#at least when I'm asleep I don't want to fucking kill myself

[euclydya]

holy shit when will it get better and easier

[cryonme]

𝐋𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐀𝐭 𝐔𝐬 𝐍𝐨𝐰 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝟏

—graham dunne x fem!reader

—summary: the story of you and graham dunne was never simple, but his love for you never faltered.

— word count: 2.7k

—tw: addiction, implied drugging, alcohol, cursing, reader says she "doesn't wanna be here anymore", very obvious signs of mental illness, the works...

—a/n: so... I did not intend for this fic to be this long or this sad, but here we are. I'm breaking it into two parts so its easier to read, part two is coming shortly!! I apologize for how sad this is lol but I promise its a happy ending story! also, sorry for how I wrote daisy! she's my girl and I love her, it was just for the plot I swear! this is the first fic I've posted in about 6 months so im rusty, please be kind! and please, don't read if anything listed in the triggers is going to upset you, I want you all happy and comfortable! XO

(flashbacks in italics)

Nothing was ever Daisy’s fault, was it?

At least, that’s what Graham Dunne thought when he got a call from Karen saying his girl was wasted at a party with Daisy attached to your hip.

She should have known what you were struggling with, she should have known that you couldn’t handle a party, she should have known this wasn’t what you needed. Daisy Jones should’ve fucking known.

To be completely fair, they really all should’ve known. You’d been around since day 1. Everyone knew better, Daisy just happened to be the red corvette.

-

“You can’t keep doing this, my love.” Camilla whispered oh so gently, holding your hair back from your face, pressing a cold rag to your neck.

It was a small gig, at some shitty bar called Tony’s in Pittsburgh. The band always had a couple beers and maybe a shot or two before a show but you had begun to need more. You snuck vodka into your water bottles and begged the bartenders to sneak you a couple free extras by pulling your top down and leaning over the bar, using your forearms to push your tits up. 

It worked every time. Pigs.

“Can do whatever I want.” You slurred, cheek pressed to the toilet seat.

But damnit, you knew she was right.

Tony’s wasn’t the first time.

There was Rod’s, and The Ladie’s Room, and The Shiner Saloon, and some girl named Lisa’s 18th birthday party. It was becoming a pattern, everyone could tell.

You always went back to your house after a show. Your parents had been completely absent since you were 15, you never knew where they were. And after every show, their cars were never once in the driveway.

A safespace.

Billy would sit outside of the bathroom, head leaning against the door while Graham waited in the living room, arms crossed and head down, not wanting to listen to your cries and shakes of pain.

Eddie would retreat to the guest room, but he usually wouldn’t be able to fall asleep til he heard the click of your door next to his.

Warren would be passed out on the couch as soon as you all walked through the door, not that he didn’t care about you immensely, but the poor kid could just not stay awake if he was tired.

“I wanna go to bed.” You said.

Camilla sighed, “Are you sure you’re ready?”

You nodded and so did Camilla. She got up to get Billy like she always did, and he’d come and pick you up off of the bathroom floor, as he always did, and carry you to your room and lay you on the bed, letting Camilla make sure you’re comfortable, like she always did.

Graham would come in and ask how you’re doing, like he always did, and he’d make himself comfortable on your floor with throw pillows and spare blankets, like he always did.

But that night, after Tony’s, things changed.

“I can’t do this anymore, Graham.” You whimpered.

Fuck.

This was early days, Graham was still awkward as hell and didn’t know how to go about things like this.

“Do what?” He croaked, mustering up the courage to be there for you.

“This. I can’t live like this. I’m afraid I’m gonna kill myself.”

Graham was up in an instant, reaching for the doorknob. “Do you want me to get Camilla?”

You shook your head, “No, please. Just-” You wiped a tear from your cheek, “Will you just lay with me?”

“Anything.” Graham breathed as he settled into bed next to you. You immediately wrapped your arms around him, being too drunk to care about any awkwardness and Graham was thankful.

“We’ll get you out of this, promise.”

-

That was the last time anybody saw you drink anything besides a beer or two, following that was shirley temples and cherry cokes.

Nobody really knew the heaviness of addiction then, but they knew that you were happier, and that’s all that really mattered to them. You were even laughing at Warren’s jokes and Billy and Eddie’s lame bickering, everything felt okay.

“You don’t drink?” Karen had asked, the first time you properly met in California, while she was digging through the fridge searching for a beer. You shook your head, hoping you weren’t going to get some crazy reaction like you were a zoo animal in a cage like you got from most people.

She just nodded, a small smile playing at her lips as she pulled two coca cola bottles from the fridge, popping them open with her ring and handing you one.

“Cheers to that.”

You were sober enough to realize you were in love with Graham, and confident enough to tell him. And man, he could’ve exploded.

There was a celebration, at the house in Laurel Canyon, just the 7 of you.

Warren recalls later that Graham looked like he’d been dipped in sunshine and rainbows.

“Like he’d just smoked sunshine and been fucked by a rainbow. It was crazy, man.”

Well, almost.

You’d been around the band multiple times while they drank and it was never a problem. You’d have the first round of beers with them then tap out, but you always stayed and had fun, smoked a couple joints and cigarettes, never without a mocktail or coca cola in your hand. Sometimes, usually Karen or Camilla, someone would join you on the sober night, and that always felt really nice.

That night had felt different, you were scared.

-

“I’m gonna fuck him up Warren…” You said as you laid on the floor with the drummer as Down By The Seaside by Led Zeppelin played from the record player, Warren laughed.

“Yeah you are.” He said, his tone suggestive as he bumped his elbow with yours.

You rolled your eyes, fighting the heat creeping into your cheeks. “You know what I mean, man. I’m gonna ruin him.”

Warren had known you long enough and listened to enough of the songs you wrote to where he’d like to think he knew you pretty well.

And you never opened up out of the blue unless you were drunk.

“Have you been drinking?” He asked, not looking up from the ceiling. You scoffed.

“I still have a beer here and there, Warren.”

“You know what I mean, man.” He repeated your words back to you and you felt like you couldn’t breathe.

“I’m going to bed.” You said and stood up, trying your hardest not to stumble or slur.

“Honey…” Warren started, pushing himself off of the floor to try to stop you.

“NO!” You whipped around, flipping your hair so forcefully it stung your face but you were quick to pull it back.

“Don’t fucking- don’t fucking do that, man!” You started, holding a hand up. “My own friends don’t even fucking trust me i’m just constantly babied! Do you know how that feels?”

At that point, Karen, Eddie and Billy had tuned in, being in the kitchen. Camilla and Graham must have been elsewhere, he had always confided in her like a sister.

“Hey–” Billy tried to interject with a hand on your wrist but you were quick to pull away.

“Huh?! Do any of you know how that feels?!” You were borderline screaming now, and everyone was speaking to you so softly, hands slowly trying to grasp you and it made you want to scream even louder.

“How dare you ‘ccuse me of something like that asshole?” You were beginning to slur your words, the tequila you’d snuck from Warren’s room starting to hit pretty heavily, making your eyes droop and words slur.

“Baby, please-” Karen started, making the move to grasp your arm but you turned and lost your balance, nearly falling but Eddie was quick to catch you, he held on tight and didn’t dare let go until you calmed down or Graham came back. Billy had left minutes ago to find him and Camilla, who had taken a walk so he could freely gush about his new girl without the chances of anyone else hearing.

“Need you to calm down, babe.” Eddie whispered, running a hand up and down your arm for comfort.

“None of you even care!”

Warren shook his head alongside Karen, both of them had squatted in front of you, doing their best to provide what you needed.

“That’s not true.”

“I fucking hate you all!” 

“You don’t mean that.”

“I don’t wanna be here anymore!”

And then he said your name.

You froze.

He was gonna leave you, you were so sure of it. You worked so hard to be better for him and it didn’t work.

“No…” You whimpered and you swore you saw Graham break in front of your eyes.

“You can’t- you can’t see this.”

But he didn’t care. He knelt in front of you and Eddie and gathered you into his own arms, completely silent as he carried you to his room and you wanted to disappear into him so badly.

“‘M so sorry…” You slurred, and still he was quiet. You let him undress you and replace your pretty top and flared jeans with his own tee shirt and boxer shorts.

You watched as he changed into a similar outfit as you picked at your nails. “Graham, I-”

He sighed and placed his hands on either sides of your cheeks, placing a firm kiss on your forehead that only made you cry harder. You brought your hands up to grip his wrists, not willing to let go of the feeling of his lips on your skin.

“I’ve ruined everything, haven’t I?”

Graham was silent again as he pulled you into his bed with him, covering you both with the large duvet.

“Not in the slightest.”

-

That night was really the last night anybody had seen you get drunk like that.

Then, Daisy Jones came along.

And you learned how to keep bad habits a secret.

Tequila and mints in the bathroom, water and cherry cokes with the band. A shot of jameson to fall asleep. Champagne to wake up, brush your teeth. A beer in the shower after lunch, leave the evidence in Warren’s room since there were hundreds of empty ones anyway.

It’s not like Daisy was teaching you one on one, you just started watching her, and you liked the way she got away with it.

No one told Daisy about your issue either, you could hold your own and you had asked them not to, so lips were sealed.

But it took everything in Graham and Billy not to tell her to tread lightly every time they saw the two of you sneak off on your own.

And now here was Graham Dunne, sitting in the driver's seat of the van outside of God knows who’s house, with Camilla in the passenger’s seat and Billy in the back. Moral support. 

“Want us to come with you?”

Graham shook his head. “I need to do this alone.”

Billy scoffed, “I’m not gonna let you go in there with our two hot headed alcoholic rage sisters. Cam, you stay here.”

“Nope, you go I go. You two get our girl, I’ll handle Daisy.”

The three bickered a moment but finally settled on their plan. Graham and Camilla would take you, while Karen and Billy took Daisy, since the blonde girl drove.

“Fucking finally.” Karen exasperated as she saw her friends walk into the backyard of the party while trying her hardest to hold you upright.

“Where is Daisy?” Billy spat immediately, making eyes around the party. You had always been like a sister to him, in the way Camilla was to Graham, and he could’ve killed the redheaded girl in that moment.

“Beats me.” Karen said, passing off your deadweight into Graham, who was quickly supported by Billy. Your head lulled onto your boyfriend's shoulder, recognizing him as a source of comfort even in your inebriated state.

It made his soul ache.

“Is Simone here?” Camilla asked.

Karen shook her head, “Was. Split as soon as she and Daisy got into a fight. Offered to take this one” she nodded her head at you “home with her but I figured it’d be best if you guys came.”

Graham shook his head, “You made the right call, thank you.”

“Yeah, well uh, I sure as hell can’t drive. Got drunk as hell before even stepping foot in the backyard, soon as I saw (Y/n) I stepped in and called you guys immediately.”

“Do we need to get Daisy?”

“That’s a fight you sure as hell don’t wanna have. Yelled at me just for taking ‘her best friend’ away from her to get her some water.”

Billy rolled his eyes.

Graham and Billy began making their way out of the party with you slung around their shoulders, and Camilla walking arm in arm with a very drunk Karen who kept tripping over feet.

And suddenly red hair and sparkling eyes were in front of them.

“Ohhh no, what happened to my girl?” She tried to touch your face but Billy pulled you away, ready to say something before Graham spoke up, surprising everyone.

“Your girl, Daisy?!” His voice boomed, no doubt you’d be embarrassed if you were in any way conscious. “This is my girl, our girl.” He gestured to the rest of the group. “And I’d say it’s in your best interest to leave her the hell alone from now on.”

-

Graham was a mess when he got you home.

Daisy ended up at the house not too long after the rest, explaining she didn’t know the situation, apologizing profusely, informing them all you had been drinking for months. She told them in a sullen voice that you hadn’t been this bad last time she saw her, that she thinks someone must have done it to you.

Graham understood, he did. But he couldn’t look at Daisy. How could she let you out of her sight, to allow someone to do this to you? It made his stomach turn. Billy was next to his brother this time, in the living room, a hand resting on his shoulder, squeezing from time to time, and instead of standing Graham sat with his head in his hands, creating knots in his hair as he ran his fingers through it. Cam and Karen had you in the bathroom, after seeing the panic in Graham’s eyes they decided to take over that part, knowing it wouldn’t be easy for him to see. Warren stayed up, and Eddie didn’t retreat to his room, Daisy paced back and forth outside of the bathroom, biting her nails. Graham could hear it, it was driving him nuts.

“Would it kill you to be quiet for two seconds, Daisy?!” He groaned, running a hand over his red splotchy face.

Everyone knew that Graham was just upset and taking it out on Daisy, the red corvette, which wasn’t exactly fair, but they also knew better than to argue with Graham at that point.

“You know what, Graham?!” Daisy stomped into the living room, planting herself in front of the Dunne brothers with her arms crossed.

Graham didn’t look up.

“Hey, I’m talkin’ to you!” Daisy used her thumb and pointer finger to grip his chin and pull his face up to look at her and she immediately felt guilty at his tear stained cheeks and glassy eyes.

She sighed, and crouched before him.

“I know it’s hard, and I’m so, so sorry this is happening to her. But she makes her own decisions, Graham. No one could’ve stopped her.”

Graham nodded, but still wouldn’t look in her direction. “Will you go check on her, please?”

Daisy would later tell the story with a frown on her face, and she’d recall never being that scared for another person before, despite the smile she put on for Graham.

“I didn’t-” She took a breath, “I’d never seen it that bad before, at least not while I was sober. I thought she was going to die.”

Daisy retreated to yours and Graham’s shared room shortly after discovering she couldn’t stomach staying in that bathroom, deciding to make herself useful by getting the bed ready, fluffing the pillows and retrieving some fresh clothes for you to wear to bed, making sure she grabbed ones that smelled like your boyfriend. She dropped the clothes off in the bathroom, and passed along the message to Graham from Karen and Camilla that it was time to take you to bed.

This had been Billy’s job, since before The Six was even The Six, that’s how it went. But things had changed, Graham had grown, and it was his turn.

part two coming soon!

[a-wolfs-bad-moon-rising]

Can't Sleep

Johnny "Soap" MacTavish x Insomniac Reader *Fluffy*

*I jumped on the COD bandwagon HARD. So I'm going to try and write for them. I'm sorry I lost my inspiration and want for the others. I'm trying to be a better fic writer. Let me know what you think!

Love, Wolf*

My eyes open for the millionth time. I groan frustrated and roll over. “Come on!”

I call out. This is getting to me. I've always struggled with insomnia but this is ridiculous. I look at the texture of my ceiling, willing myself to fall asleep. I've tried teas, nature sounds, sleeping meds, name it and it hasn't worked. I whine. 

“Why? Can't. I. Fucking. Sleep???” I was new to this base, transfered to be a chemist for Task Force 141. I did a lot of behind the scenes work for the members. They were all nice enough. Price was about business. Ghost was a smart ass but his teasing and insults were more directed to everyone else. Especially Johnny. Johnny was super friendly to me. He’s who I'm closest to of a the Task force members. The least intimidating and leering of all the men. I liked Keegan and Konig enough. It took a lot for me to break them out of their shells. They were super quiet around me. Gaz was pretty friendly too. Honestly I like all of them. They're not the problem. Change of scenery? Tough work? Inhaling too many chemicals? I DON'T KNOW! All I know is I can't fucking sleep and I'm losing it. Well my job is quite stressful and it hasn't helped. I've been trying to push it down but it's hard. Being a chemist in the civilian world had its stresses but in the military? It's a different animal. It's been the root cause of my numerous sleepless nights.

I whimper and give up sitting up in bed. I hear my joints creak as I make my exhausted body work. I stand up and pace my room, the pads of my feet meeting the cold tile and my eyes open more. Ugh, yeah this was gonna be. Long one. I sit at my desk and turn on my PC. The bright screen immediately blinding me. Dammit (Y/N) that definitely made it worse. I sigh and log on.

I search through my games, settling on a shooter game and put my headset on. I look at the time.

2am

Fuck alright here we go. I settle into gaming bitching at the shitty late night players. Are they also insomniacs? Who the hell knows. We have two things in common. We're on the same team. And we're up at 2am. I get particularly irritated when someone who sounds suspiciously like a 10 year old mauls me. The hell with it. I unleash a barrage of insults not meant to be heard by children. Wanna play with adults better grow tf up. In my anger I barely notice the ping on my messages. 

ThatScotSoap: Aye lass what're you dooin up so late?

I look at the message and smile before typing back

(YourGamerTag): how do your messages have an accent?

ThatScotSoap: call it a skeel, didn't answer my question though lass

(YourGamerTag) couldn't sleep

ThatScotSoap: sorry to ere that. Any idea why?

(YourGamerTag): eh stress but who doesnt have it? And I've always had insomnia so that's not helping 

ThatScotSoap: oh sorry lass. I sleep like a wee baby

(YourGamerTag): Gee way to rub it in 😶

ThatScotSoap: Haha sorry lass. Well I can't sleep ayether want me to come by and bug ya?

I hesitate a moment my stomach flipping. Okay Soap MacTavish is a huge heartthrob. Ghost is too for a man most people don't see without a mask. But Soap??? Women throw themselves at him. I would too if I had less shame. I blush and type back.

(YourGamerTag) sure why not?

ThatScotSoap: on my way lassie

After about 10 minutes and waiting for my blush to go down Soap knocks on my door. I let him in.

“Hey there lassie.”

“Hi Johnny” I smile at him

“You look awfully appy.”

I blush.

“I look like a corpse.” He laughs and sits down on my bed

“what do ya wanna do lass to kill time?”

It. I think shamlessly. I wanna do it.

I shake my head and breathe.

“Movie?”

Soap nods. “aye there's a few I've been curious aboot.”

We settle on a movie and I sit next to him. The movie drawls on. I don’t pay much attention. Thinking of work on Monday is creeping into my head. I distract myself with Soap. He’s so intoxicating, his cologne and his close proximity I just want to….

“Lass?.”

“Yes?” I squeak snapping myself out of it 

“Yer not watching are ya?” He asks. I cringe and shake my head.

“I….I can't take my mind off work.” I admit. He nods.

“Aye I've been there myself once r twice. What's botherin a sweet Bonnie like you so much?” I sigh and look at him. I unload all my stresses with the job and worry about my ability on the team. That I maybe bit off more than I could chew. I sniffle by the end and hold back tears. Soap notices and wraps his arms around me. He pulls me into his chest and I'm stunned. I allow him and bury my face in his muscular chest. He gives me a squeeze.

“There there lassie. No on tinks yer not good at yer job. Yer dooin amazin.”

I sniffle and nuzzle his chest. He chuckles.

“Yer okay lassie”

“You sure?”

“Positive.”

I breathe a sigh of relief. He's really respected. He's super nice but he wouldn't put on airs.

“It's been really bothering me and it's making my insomnia worse.”

“Don't worry yer pretty head Bonnie. Yer doing great even that stubborn bastard Ghost and Price think so.”

“Really?”

“Course they do.”

I smile and keep hugging him.

“That's it Bonnie. Relax”

I nod only I start to relax a bit too much and while the movie is playing and start to fall asleep on Soap. I wake up suddenly. He looks down at me and my heart flutters 

“Enjoy yer wee nap lass?”

I nod sheepishly.

“S-sorry” Soap shakes his head.

“Nothin to be sorry for lass. I'll admit. It's been a while since I had someone to sleep next to. Forgot how comfortin it be.” 

“It…is nice” I admit. 

“Want me t'stay?”

I blush and look at him.

“R-Really?”

“I wouldn't have offered if I didn't mean it lass.” I look stunned and slowly shake my head.

“Good I was aboot t’fall asleep myself.” He stands up and crawls onto my bed. I laugh at how comfortably he takes over my bed. He lays down and opens his arms. 

“C’mere lass it's been awhile since I had a good cuddle” I giggle like a school girl and lay in his arms. I feel his strong arms encircle me and his chest press my back. I turn off the lights and lay against him. He softly hums and feeling his chest gently vibrate relaxes me.

His fingers come off my waist and he gently plays with my hair and rubs my head. I moan softly and close my eyes.

“That's it lassie. Let Johnny take care o ya.”

I mumble and my body starts to feel heavy feeling his warmth against me. I slowly drift off but not before I feel a gentle kiss to my head.

“G’night sweet girl.” 

~Soap: Goodnight to all you lassies. Those who can and those who can't sleep. Just know Johnny loves you. Mwah.

(Wolf): Alright Scotsman it's my turn for sleepy cuddles tonight

Soap: Alright alright I guess you were good, you wrote a story the first time in what? Years now?

(Wolf): Shush I'm trying to make up for it

[crowleys-hips]

ventish post

i feel like i sort of ceased to exist since july. i felt a blow nearly as hard as one i felt 4 years ago when i lost someone who's still very dear to me. and since then stuff has just kept happening and happening and happening and i stopped writing my novel and fell back on old bad habits and it really has felt like an exile of sorts. i've expressed it better in some of my poems, both GO and non GO, but that's just the tip of the iceberg tbh.

and i didn't even notice when, but i've recently realized that i also sort of stopped reading, when i used to read every day, all the time. now i sometimes manage to read maybe a short one shot. idk what's happened to me, but i feel like i've lost a huge part of me and years of my youth. like a christian finding out jesus' body has recently been found. or worse, like he never existed. and now it's hard to know where to put my faith in. i guess the right answer should be myself. but i've never known how to live for myself alone. but i want to learn. otherwise this will keep happening. and i know i should go back to therapy, but i feel like im too sick for therapy, if that makes sense.

anyway, my point is that, im really trying to get back on my feet. try to really exist again. act like a human and not fall back on my ghost tendencies. but everything is so overwhelming, like there's so much to do i end up not doing any of it. i stare at all my unread books and fics ive saved for later and im afraid later won't ever come. like i'll never catch up. and it kills me. bc i want to know more of all these brilliant minds, but ive been buried under the rubble of my dreams. im a writer who's forgotten how to read. im an artist who's forgotten how to hold a pen. a musician who now only stares at the piano longingly. my plants are dying and i let them. i want myself back, and i really am trying, but most of the time it feels like i go one step forward and three steps back. i just don't know how to deal with so much death without feeling like i also died. im trying so hard to dig myself out, and prove im not dead yet, but i keep falling asleep, and haunting my own dreams. but im fucking trying. i swear i am.

finally did some watering and pruning yesterday. started a painting and failed miserably but at least now i know what to not do. didn't drink for two nights in a row. my streak was 2 and 1/2 months lol. still writing poems, trying to write more again. i got today free, so i think i'll use today to just let myself read again and try not to feel guilty that "i'm not doing anything" bc i am. watching this fandom's great supportive, caring, and positive attitude has helped. and ofc my dearest friends and my beloved. despite everything, im glad i found this place.

[lokisivy]

Valentine's Day- Klaus Mikealson

I wrote this last year but i wasn't sure if anyone was gonna like it anyways ill do a part 2 if u guys like it

The day of love and hearts, it was supposedly the most romantic day of the year for all couples. right?

not.

not to you anyways.

you had a steaming fight last night with Klaus this morning you knew Klaus wasn't the best at expressing himself but you at least thought he would wake you up with kisses but yesterday left an imprint.

I know Klaus isn't an innocent person he has killed thousands over the years, but at the end of the day, you can't go killing on my account.

"What the fuck Klaus you can't go killing people like it is just a drinking your finishing at a bar!"

"I was trying to protect you," he said calmly but angrily.

"Nothing happened to me!"

"BECAUSE I KILLED THAT WITCH BEFORE SHE DID!" Klaus bursts

"You heard a fucking whisper that she was trying."

"and I stopped her from thinking about it that sends a message that anyone who even dares to think about hurting will end up dead!" Yelled back

"I do not need your protection Klaus I can protect myself when will you ever get that stop going around killing people on my account." you were so angry you didn't notice that he was tearing up

Klaus loves you so much that the thought of losing you was something that he never wanted to even think of he even asked you if he can turn you and you told him yes but when you turn 22.

it was a big commitment to turn for someone but you were willing to take it you just wanted to be in your peak years when you turn.

"You don't know what they are capable of and I will be damned if something happens to you or worse lose you on my watch." his eyes were moistening but you didn't notice the hint of pain till he stopped yelling

he left off leaving where ever and you just made yourself a bath and fell asleep on the couch in your room you couldn't sleep on the bed without him next to you it felt wrong and odd.

you couldn't bring yourself to sleep on the bed without him next to creasing your hair.

Even though you knew you were right you felt guilty you didn't want Klaus to feel like you were about to abandon him you he fears that but even though he never told you you could see it on his face.

---

"Klaus?" you called him in the empty compound.

"Klaus comes on I'm sorry, I know you were trying to protect me but you need to know that killing isn't normal for me." you knew Klaus could hear you he was close by he always finds your heartbeat to make sure you are okay.

"I swear on my life that i never wanted to hurt you or make you feel like your cruel but I know that your not because of the was you love me and protect me, you need to understand stuff like that isn't normal to me."

You said, searching around the compound. Until you heard a heavy thud which my made your heart skip a beat

No one was supposed to be here.

"Klaus..."

You heard a woosh sound that took you to the closest in your room. You couldn't scream because there was a hand on your mouth you couldn't comprehend who was it who took you tell u saw Klaus's face.

"Shh." He signals with his fingers for me not to say anything.

"Someone is home I was listening to you and there was another heart beat in the house I need you to stay here and lock the door." he whispers in my ears.

he bites into his wrists

"Drink this just in case."

i took i started drinking from his wrist.

[oddvanilla]

Honey, I'm pregnant and it's yours

Also Petey misses you

Im scared even writing this, I know I'm gonna get smth along the lines of 'go the fuck away' but I jus can't help it

I know u know who this is

Also I'm also very scared of you at the moment

Thank you, and I know it seems weird but I can't help it but, I love you [I seem creepy, sorry, also u don't have to accept it]

Bye bye, u probably won't even post this but I've been killing myself thinking about doing this

Thank you

Also Petey really does miss u 🤣

Also just thanks again

[Also sorry I'm not like talking about our break up or anything Id just prefer to do that if I knew u want to too and not like this]

Bye bye for reals now, id put a silly photo but I'm doing this in anon for some reason :)

Bye bye

Also I know you probably didn't expect this to happen

But hey I needed to do something about it

Bye bye now

HOLY CRAP HOW DID I NEVER SEE THIS??? it must've gotten lost in my notifications or something idk...

HAI R**N* !!! I remember your name and every time I try to type my own, yours always comes first. Even when I'm filling up forums or crap...

I'm sorry for scaring you off!!! I still care about you. And for every time I forget to, here I'll just say: I still love you 🫶 even after everything that happened. You're like impossible to hate. I can't help it either🤷‍♀️

My sister still checks on you, even you know that. She tells me what happened to you and that kinda crap. I feel bad all the time, and I'm sorry. I would've said this way earlier If I could, but stuff happens,, YK?? It hurts me so bad knowing what I caused. I didn't mean to do this to you, and even back when we were friends I tried holding on because I can't let you ruin yourself. I miss what we had, that's one fact.

I do care if you kill yourself. I DO care if you slit your wrist. I do still care about you in general. All I wish you is love, that's pretty much. I even asked my sister to go and give you asks just so you're not alone anymore. I don't care if she replaces me,, hey at least you got a friend!!!

But I never deleted everything we shared. All the screenshots from our conversations are like a comfort place, even. I still listen to every song you used to spam. I know I hate pencey prep and frank iero, but I still listen to their music because it reminds me of you. I only hated MCR because I wanted you to have your own thing. I want you to focus on yourself and crap. But now I just went back to listening to MCR because it's all I have left of you. You deserve a real apology from me if you just let us talk this out!!!

I can't replace you, and you know that. I call people my husband or wife but I still have you in mind. You're the best person on here I know, and even though I hated it or pretended it, I miss waking up to lots of messages. Now I still wake up to those but from lots of different people. I don't like it that way, I wish you could just come back. I waited for you SO long and I gave up. I want you back and I would do anything for that. But I didn't go talk to you directly because you know I want you to have space. I miss having only ONE person to go to. I didn't ignore you because I had other people to talk to!!! If anything, my parents expected so much from me like school and other crap that I don't have time to reply to anyone either!!!

Now it's been rough and stuff. I almost have nobody to open up to. Everyone I know is either always asleep or always can't talk. But you're always there and that's one thing nobody can beat you at. I don't even text people first anymore because I feel like I'm a bother and when I'm with you it just feels easier because. You're accepting.

I never told anyone about what we had in detail. I never tried to do the same things WE did with anyone else either. Nobody has to know about what letters are missing in p** w*y h*g*er. Nobody has to know why we hated your brother and how he was a bitch. I don't even send people frerard fanfics anymore because I don't want a friendship story like ours just a 2.0 version. I think you're the one for me, if anything. I love you and you didn't mess up, I did.

I don't want you to leave me alone, I want you back. If YOU can do this then we could build everything back. just know that even if you don't want me, it's fine. But I won't try to find anyone better,, I'll just sit back, I guess🙏🙏 tell mamacita im not done with rizzing her up🙄🙄

[iwonderwh0]

A snippet from my single mind multiple bodies au.

I'm really sorry but I'll tag you @just-seeing-everything because you're probably the only person who knows what's this au even about and I need at least one person to read it.

---

Hank lay in bed, his head heavy and aching. He would be trying to sleep, but the motionless silhouette of an android sitting cross-legged on the other side of the bed kept him on edge.

"Your presence isn't comforting," Hank said, breaking an hour-long silence.

"I'm not here to bring you comfort." Nothing in him moved but his artificial eyes – despite near-perfect darkness Hank could feel them. Watching him.

"The hell are you here for then?"

"I'm here to watch you, so you don't do anything stupid," he said, "More stupid than what you've already done, anyhow."

Hank scoffed.

"It's like I'm a prisoner. And now I even have a fucking supervisor."

The irony, Hank thought. To be hired as a supervisor, only to end up being the one supervised.

"It's not a prison," Connor said, "there's no other side. Your 'escape' would be just stupid and unnecessary waste."

"You don't fucking know that."

Connor remained unmoving, staring. He didn't say anything.

"You threatened me the other day with those 'work accidents', as you called them," Hank continued, "See, I arranged one myself. You just had to take it. Or is it not fun this way?"

"I don't want that."

"Why? What do you care anyway? You don't care about my well-being; you don't even care about yours. You killed one of yours with no hesitation. Just like that. As if it's just a routine for ya."

"Do you think I enjoyed it?" Connor asked.

"Maybe you did. Or would, if enjoyment was something you could feel."

Silence.

"Have you made your report yet? About my 'unprofessional behavior' or whatever the fuck you'd call it," Hank asked.

Connor shook his head, slowly, left and right.

"Why not?"

"It'd mean that you're unfit to continue in your current position, and they'd have to find a replacement."

He was never fit to be in this position at all, Hank thought to himself. If only he could have known what it was about ahead of time, no amount of money could have convinced him to take it.

"So? Maybe this time you'd get lucky and get to work with another non-person. Someone more like yourself."

"It'd only make my work harder. Harder than it already is. With you, I've adapted, and I know what to expect. With a new hire I'd have to start all over again."

"Is that the only reason?" Hank looked at Connor and waited. He hated the way his eyes looked, like some portion of the light was getting reflected from something flat and reflective deep inside. He hated it even more when, in a well-lit room, they looked just like any normal human eyes. It must be the artificial, Hank thought, not organic one with him now -- he could never tell.

"You should try to sleep," Connor said eventually.

"No fucking way. Not while you're here, sitting like a--" Hank searched for the word but couldn't think of anything more unnerving than Connor himself.

"I'm not leaving you alone. Not until I can be sure it's safe."

Hank took a deep, loud breath and stared at the ceiling. He wished he could materialize a wall between himself and the android. Something he couldn't see through.

"Can you at least lie down and pretend to be asleep or something?" he tried, not really hoping for an answer, but to his surprise, Connor nodded and finally moved. He lay down on an empty bed space beside Hank, and his chest rose with an artificial breath. Hank felt a surge of anger at the sight. This was what was missing, he realised. This was what he couldn't quite put his finger on about what it was about the android's presence that unnerved him. More so than usual. The asshole didn't breathe, not until that moment.

"If I could kill you," Hank said, feeling the heat gathering at his eyes, "I would."

He heard another breath, this one deeper than the one before. Hank expected it to be followed by something, but seconds stretched and no answer followed.

It wasn't until another minute had passed when the android finally spoke.

"I'm really sorry you feel this way."

It almost startled Hank for a moment, until he remembered what was the last thing he said. For a moment, he almost believed it to mean something different. Something genuine.

[canirove]

In The Name of Love | Chapter 5

Previous chapter | Next chapter

Masterlist

"Stop texting him, Valeria."

"I wasn't."

"Sure" Silvia says, rolling her eyes. "Besides, isn't he playing tonight?"

"He is, but the game hasn't started yet. I sent him a good luck text and was just checking if he had seen it." But he hadn't. It was still unread, like all the other texts I've sent him during the past couple of days. "I'm such an idiot, Silvia."

"Yes, you are" she says. 

"This was supposed to be just sex, something fun. You yourself said it. Why has it gotten so… complicated?"

"Love works in mysterious ways" she shrugs.

"I don't love him" I laugh.

"But you've definitely caught feelings. And so has he."

"Valeria, Silvia!" Marc says as he walks towards us. "Thank you very much for coming."

"Of course" she smiles. "And congratulations."

"Thank you" Marc says. "Are you alright, Valeria?"

"Uh?"

"You look a bit… worried. Stunning, but worried. Do you have trouble with a kid or something?"

"Ha!" I snort. "Sorry, sorry. But yes, something like that."

"I'm sure you'll be able to fix it" Marc smiles.

"Let's hope so."

"Marc! There you are!" 

"Oh, hello, love" he says, wrapping his arm around Isabel's waist. "I was just talking with Valeria and Silvia."

"Hello" Isabel says with her usual fake smile while looking at me from head to toe. "Nice dress, Valeria."

"Thank you."

"It looks expensive. How can a public school teacher like you afford it? Did you find a sugar daddy or something?" she laughs.

"You are so funny" I say, trying really hard not to roll my eyes and tell her that she is the one who found one. Because Marc comes from a very wealthy family and is currently working for one of the most important banks in the country. Meanwhile, she tries to become an influencer. Though so far, not even the cheapest brands have wanted to work with her. 

"How is Pau doing?" Marc asks Silvia, trying to change the topic of conversation.

"Oh, he's great. Currently in England working on some new piece for the car or something. He tells me but I always forget" she says.

"Isn't that supposed to be super secret? He works for one of the most important Formula 1 teams."

"Yeah, but he knows that when he talks about those things I don't pay attention because I don't understand a word, so it's ok" she shrugs. 

"What about you, Valeria? Have you finally found a boyfriend? You are the only one from our group who still is single" Isabel says with a twisted smile.

"I'm actually seeing someone."

"Are you?" she laughs. "Who?"

"Someone." 

"Oh, c'mon, Valeria. You don't have to lie if you are still alone. It's sad, but it's ok."

"Isa…" Marc says.

"What?" she replies with an innocent smile.

"I'm gonna go get myself a drink" I say after counting to ten to stop me from punching her in front of everyone. 

"Oh, don't run away, Valeria. Tell us his name at least!"

"Congratulations on your engagement, Isabel. And I'm sorry, Marc."

"Sorry?" he asks with a confused look.

"Bye" I say, hearing Isabel calling me pathetic as I walk away.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

"Val… Val, hey…" someone says, touching my shoulder. "Valeria!"

"Fuck!" I yell, quickly standing up and tripping with my dress.

"Careful" Pedri says, his arms around me. "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to talk with you."

"And the engagement party?" 

"I got tired of the bride bullying me as if we were still in high school and I left" I shrug. "Besides, the party sucked."

"How long have you been waiting here?" he asks, moving his hands up and down my arms. "You are freezing cold, Val."

"I don't know" I shrug again. "I left when the second half was starting, sat down to wait for you because my feet were killing me, and then I think I kind of fell asleep."

"While sitting on my front door?"

"Yeah" I shrug. It looks like that's the only thing I can do. 

"Come, let's get you inside. I don't want you to get sick."

"Thank you. But shouldn't you close your car or something? Maybe park it properly?" I chuckle. 

"I probably should, yes" he smiles, making my heart skip a beat. I had missed his smile so much… 

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

"Here" Pedri says, giving me some clothes. "It isn't a Barça tracksuit, don't look at me like that."

"Sorry" I shrug for the millionth time. 

"Do you want me to leave while you get changed?"

"You've seen everything there is to see. And I think I need help with the zipper" I say, turning around.

"Ok" he says, moving behind me. "Done."

"Already?" 

"Yep."

"Oh, thank you" I mutter. I didn't feel his fingers on my back. He didn't touch me. He… he's fucking done with me.

"Do you want a coffee or something to get you warm?" 

"I'm fine" I say while I get changed. 

"So… what did you want to talk about?" he says, sitting down on the sofa as far away from me as he can.

"I… I wanted to apologize. I should have told you about Marc."

"You should have, yes."

"I'm sorry." 

"Why didn't you tell me?" he says after a few seconds in silence.

"I forgot."

"Val…"

"I did. I already told you that you make me forget about what I don't want to think about, that when I'm with you I forget about everything else."

"Wait a second. The night we met… Were you trying to forget about him?"

"Kind of."

"Kinf of?"

"They had just announced their engagement and I was…"

"Jealous?" Pedri asks, arching an eyebrow.

"No, no. It wasn't like that. I was… Angry. At them, but mostly at myself."

"What do you mean?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Yes, it does matter, Val. Because I need to know why you've been with me. I need to know if I'm just something to make you forget, a pastime, someone you get to fuck and that's it. I want to know if I'm being used."

"I'm not using you, Pedri."

"Then why can't you be honest with me? Why can't you open up? Is it because I am a kid like you always say? Because I won't be able to understand it?"

"That's one of the reasons, yes" I say, my eyes focused on a loose thread on the sweatshirt he has let me borrow.

"And the others?"

"It's complicated."

"Dear Lord, Valeria" he says, getting up from the sofa and starting to walk around the room. "Why can't you just say it?"

"Because I'm afraid, ok?" I say, raising my voice.

"Afraid? Afraid of what?"

"Of everything!" I'm afraid of what I've started to feel for you, of opening my heart again, of being hurt, of what being with you means, of what people will think, of the hate and backlash, of losing you. But instead of saying all that, I just start crying. 

"What kind of explanation is that?"

"The only one I can give you right now" I sob. 

"Well, that isn't enough."

"Where… where are you going?" I ask when I see him leave.

"To bed, I'm shattered after today's game. You must be happy that we lost."

"I didn't check the result. But I'm sorry."

"Sure" he snorts. "Anyway, you can sleep in one of the guest rooms, I don't want you calling for a car this late at night, it can be dangerous."

"Thank you."

"But don't be here when I wake up."

"What? Pedri, I…"

"Good night, Valeria" he says, finally walking away.

[stabbyfoxandrew]

mafia au please :)

glad you are back, hope you are well!!!!

WIP Wednesday (1/8) | Mafia Front Restaurant AU (Part 259)

The rest of the night goes much the same. Everyone is quiet, far quieter than usual. And Kevin and Neil keep staring at Jean like he's crawled out of the grave to come home to them. He thinks they're dramatic; he suffered worse in the Nest. He thinks all three of them did. Sure, his elbow still feels tingly in an all around unpleasant way and the hole in his back twinges every time he inhales too deeply. But he's alive and conscious and he's not even bleeding anymore.

He's not alone on the ground— on an exy court— with broken fingers and his eye swollen shut. He's not alone in a stall bathroom dry heaving and trying to convince himself not to shove a fork into his own neck during their next meal break. He's not alone in that box, wishing he'd already killed himself and that it was his coffin.

He's not alone—

That's just it, Jean thinks. He's not alone.

He's surrounded on either side, Kevin to his right and Neil to his left. And they both keep looking at him anytime he so much as breathes too loud, panicked green eyes and fiery blue ones. Both of them asking the same question, are you okay?

"I am fine," Jean says for the ninth time, sighing around the words. "It hurts but it'll heal."

"I know, but—"

"At least I don't have practice in ten minutes." Jean says when he notices the clock's hands are showing almost nine o'clock. That earns a sigh from Kevin and huff of air from Neil. "Can't imagine swinging a racquet right now. But I can manage to sit upright on the sofa and stare at the television. I'm fine."

"Okay," Kevin says, taking Jean's hand and pulling it into his lap. Jean watches him play with his fingers before lacing them together with his. Ten minutes later Kevin is asleep on his shoulder and Jean is infatuated with him. His hand is still entangled with Kevin and oh, how lucky it is. Jean wants to go to bed. Wants to entangle them the rest of the way. Oh not sex. Not tonight. Just closeness. He loves being a mess of limbs with Kevin.

The TV suddenly clicks off and the room goes dark, silent. Jean glances over at Neil to see him put the remote control down. "Kevin's asleep isn't he?"

"He is." Jean confirms and Neil nods, staring into Jean's eyes with all the intensity of a slow-dying star. If he's going to go supernova, Jean is going to beat him to it. "Stop looking at me like I died."

"You could've." Neil accuses. And it is an accusation, Jean can tell. Neil is pissed off that he would take such a risk. But it was no risk. It was instinct, his nature to be a shield. "You could've fucking died. Could've left me. Us."

"Was I supposed to let it hit you?" Jean asks and he can picture Neil's head with a hole through it so vividly it makes his stomach turn. His curls matted with red, his eyes open and unseeing. A haunted doll. Before Neil can respond Jean shakes his head. "I don't fucking think so. You're half of everything. If that cunt told me to, I would've shot myself to keep you safe. Don't look at me like that, you know it's true."

"I know it is." Neil looks so fucking angry and devastated Jean doesn't know what to do with himself. "Could've told me to duck."

"There was no time." Jean starts to explain, then he stops. "Am I really apologizing for saving your life right now?"

"No. For potentially ending yours." Neil tells him. Then he takes Jean's other hand— his left, the more crooked one— and sits there for a minute. "Never do that again."

"I will not promise that." Jean tells him. And then they sit in silence again, until the clock strikes ten and Jean nudges Kevin awake so they can go to bed.

[ashprompts]

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐑𝐄𝐂𝐎𝐑𝐃 (𝐁𝐎𝐘𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐈𝐔𝐒) — 𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒

a collection of sentence starters from the album by boygenius, "the record." feel free to alter pronouns/text as you see fit

"give me everything you've got, i'll take what i can get."

"i want to hear your story and be a part of it."

"who would i be without you?"

"speak to me until your history's no mystery to me."

"talk to me until the words run dry."

"i'll give everything i've got, please take what i can give."

"i want you to hear my story."

"it's a bad idea and i'm all about it."

"when you wake up, i'll be gone again."

"in another life we were arsonists."

"mama told me that it don't run on wishes, but that i should have fun."

"so many hills to die on."

"run out of gas, out of time, out of money."

"you're doing what you can, just making it run."

"take a break, make your escape."

"can you give me twenty dollars?"

"i know you have twenty dollars."

"she's asleep in the back seat looking peaceful enough to me."

"we're coming back from where no one lives."

"[name], i'm sorry."

"i just make it up as i go along."

"i can feel myself becoming someone only you could want."

"now i'm wide awake, spiraling."

"i'll get a real job, you'll go back to school."

"we can burn out in the freezing cold."

"you know how i get when i'm wrong."

"i can feel myself becoming somebody that i'm not."

"i'm 27 and i don't know who i am."

"you can't help but become the sun."

"when you don't know who you are, you fuck around and find out."

"it feels good to be known so well."

"i can't hide from you like i hide from myself."

"you already hurt my feelings in the way only you could."

"i remember who i am when i'm with you."

"your love is tough." / "your love is tried and true blue."

"you've never done me wrong, except for that one time."

"it doesn't matter anymore."

"who won the fight?"

"i don't know, we're not keeping score."

"i'm trying to be cool about it."

"wishing you were kind enough to be cruel about it."

"telling myself i can always do without it, knowing that it probably isn't true."

"it's impossible to pass your tests."

"i'm trying to forget about it."

"kindly get out of my head about it."

"once i took your medication to know what it's like." / "and now i have to act like i can't read your mind."

"i ask you how you're doing and i let you lie."

"we don't have to talk about it."

"i'll pretend being with you doesn't feel like drowning."

"it's nice to see how good you're doing."

"we know it isn't true."

"it would only take the energy to fix it."

"i don't know why i am the way i am."

"not strong enough to be your man."

"i can't stop staring at the ceiling fan."

"spinning out about things that haven't happened."

"do you see us getting scraped up off the pavement?"

"i lied, i am just lowering your expectations."

"half a mind that keeps the other second guessing."

"always an angel, never a god."

"i think i've been having revelations."

"skip the exit to our old street and go home."

"go home alone."

"you live up in my head."

"i've been making music since you told me to do it."

"i just wanna know who broke your nose."

"figure out where they live, so i can kick their teeth in."

"if this isn't love then what the fuck is it?"

"i guess just let me pretend."

"i don't wanna die. that's a lie, but i'm afraid to get sick."

"if you're not enough, then i give up."

"i used to think if i'd just close my eyes, i will disappear."

"if you love me, you will listen to this song."

"i could tell that you were serious."

"it gave us more time to embarrass ourselves."

"i might like you less now that you know me so well."

"there's a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in."

"i am not an old man having an existential crisis."

"i never thought you'd happen to me."

"will you be a satanist with me?"

"mortgage off your soul to buy your dream vacation home in florida."

"tryin' to score some off-brand ecstasy."

"will you be an anarchist with me?"

"sleep in cars and kill the bourgeoisie."

"at least until you find out what a fake i am."

"spray paint my initials on an atm."

"i burn my cash and smash my old tv."

"will you be a nihilist with me?"

"if nothing matters, man, that's a relief."

"if nothing can be known, then stupidity is holy."

"if the void becomes a bore, we'll treat ourselves to some self-belief."

"oh, you know what i should do?"

"it's so hard to come back."

"you could absolutely break my heart."

"that's how i know that we're in love."

"i don't need the symbol of a scar."

"isn't it enough that we stripped down to our skin?"

"i feel crazy in ways i never say."

"will you still love me if it turns out i'm insane?"

"i know what you'll say, but it helps to hear you say it anyway."

"damn, that makes me sad." / "it doesn't have to be like that."

"if you rewrite your life, may i still play a part?"

"i can't imagine you without the same smile in your eyes."

"there is something about you that i will always recognize."

"if you don't remember, i will try to remind you."

"i will go on and on until it all comes back."

"i'm out of my depth at a public beach."

"i never listened, i had to see it for myself."

"making peace with my inevitable death."

"i guess i did alright, considering." / "tried to be a halfway decent friend."

"an honest fool with more bad habits than you can count."

"was anyone ever so young?"

"breaking curfew with illegal fireworks."

"unpacking god in the suburbs."

"you don't have to make it bad just cause you know how."

"writing the words to the worst love song you've ever heard."

"an incantation like an anti-curse."

"i think that you're special." / "you told me once that i'm selfish."

"you said my music is mellow, maybe i'm just exhausted."

"you think you're a good person because you won't punch me."

"i love you. i don't know why, i just do."

"you're not special, you're evil."

"you don't get to tell me to calm down."

"you made me feel like an equal, but i'm better than you and you should know that by now."

"it looked like it hurt and i wasn't sorry."

"i should have left you right there."

"you don't know me."

"i wanna be happy."

"i'm ready to walk into my room without looking for you."

"i'll go up to the top of our building."

"i can't feel it yet, but i am waiting."

[yoon-topias]

Sunday Morning battles Part one { Early mornings }

⟡ Best friend's older brother x OC

⟡ 18+ (minors DNI, some chapters have mature content)

⟡ Warnings: Strong language, depression, mental health issues, references to self harm, references to violence, manic episodes, smoking, risky behavior, fluff, jealousy, smut.

⟡ Summary: When Yoongi is late for Sunday morning breakfast with Vi and Hans after an episode, walking into a full out war in the kitchen. He inhales his lucky cigarette. Will it be his lucky charm today?

⟡ 6.9k words

⟡ Part two | Part Three

⟡ Series Index

Yoongi Pov: 

I groan as I wake up. I want to stay asleep in my own utopia I have built in my mind, my own Annex coming out of an episode where everything feels like everything is distant. I know I did it again, went too far,  got sucked into it.  My utopia is in the back of my mind to escape when I need it. I Built a home there with my bed,  dark silk sheets draping over me protecting me as a barrier.  The sheets Vi bought me said "You need silk sheets for your hair Yoon, Helps with damage from bleaching. It helps the breakage". Violet is building a home in my utopia and I'm not opposed to it after running from it for so long, but why did I run from it again last night pulling my own sheet over my head. I don't want to have to face what's next to me. Fuck.  Maybe if I act asleep she'll leave and I don't have to face my actions, at least not yet my head is still in a fog and I don't feel myself. 

I feel a hand make its way to my bare stomach "Hey, you up?" taking in a deep breath about to come out of my own utopia. "Yeah, I got plans, sorry gotta get going soon." pulling her hand off of me grabbing my shirt, throwing it on no one gets to see me like this at least not some random girl who followed my fucked up self home. It's Sunday which means Hans and Vi don't have school, morning breakfast together every Sunday since they moved out into their own place hearing a knock on the door. It's Jin to make sure I'm up,  not late for breakfast. He has experienced my wrecking ball of an episode the past week, cleaning up after my wreckage, and somehow I got out of his grasp last night. "Yoongi, you're gonna make Violet mad get up!" last time I was late Vi refused to open the door and I let her win even though I have a house key. 

"Vi, I'm on my knees out here, forgive me please." 

on my knees outside their door begging to get let in when I have a damn key lookin' like a dumbass, God I'd do anything for her. She cracks the door, looking up I see her gray eyes looking down. The ones that can drown me, that have made their way into my utopia. "And why should I let someone in. Who is Late for our morning ya know we're busy around here.” clasping my hands looking up at her. 

"All mighty princess Vi forgive the peasant who was late for this morning's schedules" she rolls her eyes "If I must forgive him I will, as he begged and addressed me properly"  opening the door slowly with a smile. 

I get brought to reality from the girl sitting on bed with her figure under my silk sheets. "Yeah, who is Violet? Don't wanna make her mad." Jin opens the door hearing no response from me about getting up as he does his eyes go wide "and this is what you did when you left? how many times will you do this Violet will kill you next time." he knows the help I need, a girl not wanting to leave. He can see it in my face, its pale white standing there in a shirt and no pants just boxers realizing what I did again. "Yeah I must go before this Violet kills you and I'm next." she grabs her shirt not caring about my friend in the room showing her breasts to him. Luckily he's gay has no interest in what she has to offer. It shows what type of girl I brought this time. Grabbing her pants and putting them on, doesn't even bother trying to find her underwear. No use, I ripped them. I remember that much. Fuck what was her name again? uh Sara? no. Sophie? No. Sage? Fuck I don't know. 

"Have a good day-uh Stel-" 

"You ass, it's Serenity!" oh fuck, That makes me snort a laugh out she is far from serenity I think. She walks past Jin heels in hand bolting to the front door hearing it slam behind her. I see Jin not looking happy rather pissed at me hands on his hips looking at me like I disappointed him. "Now how are you gonna explain this time?" Last night mid episode I wanted to feel, because everything was blurring together Jin was trying to stop me from going out. In my mind it was the only option to go out, find a girl and feel. I got too caught up in my Utopia and let it consume me. I needed someone other than Vi in my head even though when I was railing her it was only Violet in my head. I really need to get over myself and emotions. Maybe I do need to admit myself again, is it bad enough? Eh, I'll talk to Dr.Kim about it in our next session. What I really need to do is not be late for Sunday morning breakfast running my hands through my hair and taking a deep breath that I haven't been able to in days. "I- I don't know Jin honestly my mind was out of it and I didn't want to hurt you" 

"Well you know I can handle my own. I choose to help Yoongi, but you have to let me. You can't just run off every time you have an episode." I know he is right. I should not run, but in those times it's like if I'm near anyone I know I fear I'll hurt them.  I hurt Pops even if it was small scratches still did damage. "Okay, okay I know I'll be better next time it won't happen I-I won't run pinky promise.” Holding out my pinky to him. 

"Yoongi, that's what you and Vi do. We are not pinky promising, but give me your word.”

"You have my word Jin. I'm sorry I'm so much trouble sometimes. I'm getting better though, right?" looking him in the eyes, pleading to get some recognition for all the work I have been doing. I feel like I could fall right back into this, he walks up to me and points at me between him and me back and forth. "Eyes and ears.” was his first method to help me when I'm in an episode to help ground me, to listen to him only focus on him in front of me.I nod my to let him know I’m listening, all my attention is on him.  He really did help me and save me on multiple occasions in a spiral. I need to make It easier on him before he leaves me. "Good also I swear if you don't make it on time to Vi and Hans they will kill me. Remember the last time they blamed me for not getting you up?" it was funny Hana and Vi running into the apartment after I just woken up and not yelling at me but at Jin for not getting me up.  "Yeah, yeah I know." 

 Ridding myself of the clothes I threw on, to cover my body from the girl in my bed. I start to get dressed in my more normal all black outfit and hooking on the necklaces the girls got me they truly do ground me without knowing. Hell, I'll never wear them when I go on my side quests. It would bring me back to them,  I can't even think of their faces if they knew the full story. This cycle whatever that girl's name has to be the last time stop fucking up Min Yoongi. You're stronger than some emotions and hallucinations. Jin is still in the room and I can feel the tenseness radiate off him "Please tell me you did not think of Vi this time?" He knows I use it as an escape and heard me once yell Violet's name while being inside another girl that was a tough one to say the least.  "Uh no comment?" 

"Yoongi! You need to finally tell the girl, it's been seven years? Hell even Hans knows and by the way is totally fine with you liking. No! Loving her best friend!" Finishing putting on my clothing and picking up the scattered clothing on the floor from the night before. My other side of me even knew to come back late enough that Jin would have passed out waiting on the couch for me. Well found the ripped underwear picking them up and putting them in the trash making a disgusted face at myself. "See! you wouldn't have to do this if you finally confessed!" I know he's right, it's just not the right time she is still in school, finding her own path, let alone dealing with her dad trying to get out again. The courts aren't too thrilled about that one, but I have a feeling this is the last time before he finally gives up so Vi can have some privacy before the law school program starts. 

I walk to my side table opening the drawer and pull out the pill case Jin refills for me weekly with my day and night pills. My rescue is in a small little key chain on my keys. It is very discreet. "I'm glad to see you taking them by yourself. I had to force you for the past two days. Do you remember anything?" 

"It's all fuzzy right now and feels like a dream. I wanna be back in my utopia, Jin, but I have to have breakfast. I know if I didn't have it would probably still be in the episode my mind is coming in and down remembering things and wanting to pull me back in. "Was I that bad this time?" looking up at Jin I feel guilty he puts up with me. 

"Let's just say you screamed so much I thought the neighbors thought you were dying. You thought at one point Vi told you, that she never will love someone like you and that's when you lost it Yoongi. I tried my damn best to keep you in the house but your pure rage was like no other, but it was not towards me or  towards yourself thank god this time you didn’t go after yourself if you know what I mean. I guess I can accept you left if you just went and fucked a girl, because I rather that then trying to stop you from harming yourself."

Rubbing my head, did I really go that far this time? I knew I was thinking of Vi and scared if I ever did tell her she would reject me. She has made a home in my utopia which in my case makes it harder in episode when I try to escape she is all that's on my mind, Opening the door to my utopia I see the fucking fuzzy blanket since she can't have one not within a five feet radius of her, the picture of Hans, Vi, and me at the park with ice cream With ice cream all over Vi face since me and Hans decided to get her. It was her who placed these nicknacks on the wall in my utopia. She has been invading ever since I built it making it feel more homey. Maybe I need to shut and lock the door on it for now. Hell maybe even Chain the damn door. 

"I-I'm sorry you know it'll get better, it's just adjusting to the new dosage."

"I know Yoongi. I'm not mad at you, it's trial and error with these medications I just want to see that gummy smile again." I sigh, it's been a while since the last real smile in our apartment. The only time it comes out recently has been with Hans and Vi. I'm glad I have the best sister. To be honest I don't get how siblings could not get along with their siblings. It's a choice to see them as more than just someone to fight with. I have a platonic soulmate with my own sister being as close as we are. It was rocky there for a little bit, but we have gotten back to where we were through bikes and honestly Vi she really revolves around both our lives. Maybe it's just two siblings falling for the same person being soulmates with one person one being platonic and the other well...uh Lover for me. 

"Jin, I'll get there. I promise thank you for always being by my side and giving me stability when I clearly can't give it to myself." 

"Yoongi I'll always be here, I'm like a leech you won't get rid of me now that you have me and Hobi is here too I know he does not take it for granted that you allowed me to tell him finally. Now get going before Violet is at my door. Small people scare me; she's vicious when she's angry." 

I grab my backpack off the chair and sling It over my back, Jin is waking to the living room to lock the door behind me like he always does. I rip the sheets off my bed, need to get rid of her in my space, throwing them in the basket. Yeah I'll just sleep at Hans and Vi tonight they won't mind they never do. 

I turn the light out in my room and shut the door, but not without my Medication case god am I a grandpa. I guess I now live up to that nickname. Huh? Jin is by the the counter with a bag in his hand "It’s for Vi, her favorite cold pizza from last night put it in your bag and tell her she better be eating during finals." I nod my head and put it in my bag. "Prob stayin' at theirs sheets needs washed don't feel like doing it today." he just hums and grabs my helmet off the shelf we have across from the kitchen it's our entryway display. He walks over with and places it on the counter "Here wear your red and black one who knows you may go out with Vi" and he is winking his eye over and over, rolling my eyes at him “You know I don't take her unless I'm stable and currently she will only be getting on with Hans." 

Before I go I'm not the type to be touchy feely with anyone, but I can let it down for those who I care for. "Hey Jin." he hums back in response and I just lunge forward wrapping my arms around him. It's nice having someone take care of you being the eldest. I didn't have that until Jin came Along. He laughs wrapping his arms around me "I'll always be here Yoongs, we will get through this together. You're stuck with me and all that I come with you know how annoying I can be." 

"Eh You're not too bad. We should go fishing or play some games sometime soon, kay?" letting go it's been too long for me at least for now. "We will and I'll beat you in both you'll see Yoongs! Now I don't want the little monsters after me!" he starts to push on my back as he does. I grab my helmet and laugh at his antics. I get shoved out the door and I hear the door lock. "I love you too Jin!" I know how to get him once I say it,  the door opens up and he is peeking out fake crying "You love me, really? better not tell Hobi." he smirks and shuts the door now time to speed and get my ass there on time before I'm dead. 

I go down stairs, have to park farther down than normal should I run probably. Am I? Nope. I walk down the sidewalk and take in all the people out this early in the morning. I wonder what it's like to be normal, not in a constant state of not knowing how I'll be in the next five minutes. It has been a roller coaster ever since the new medication, it works too well and other times none at all. I see an elderly lady waiting to cross the street. She looks so sweet holding a bag of what looks to be some fruits from the corner shop not from here. "Excuse me ma'am can I give you a hand? where are you going?" 

"Oh you don't have to. Young man, You're too sweet."

"I would really like to help you get there, please." She takes a deep breath and tries to lift the bag to hand to me. It's too heavy, grabbing it from her as soon as I do I can see the weight taken off her. " So where are we going?" she points to the car right behind my bike. "The blue car over there, no spot was close today. It's the weekly sale and I get here every Sunday morning for it but I was running late." she grabs onto my forearm for some help walking as we walk across the road where both of us are going. I smile at her. My grandma passed away a few years ago and she reminds me of her very  strong-willed. I can Just tell that’s how she is. When we get to her car she unlocks it and opens the door to place the bag in her front seat. "Are you sure you don't need help when you get home ma'am." She hits my arm very slightly making me laugh a little "Don't call me ma'am I'm still very young. I'm Eleanor, but since we're now friends you can call me Ellie."

"Okay well Ellie, are you sure you don't need help?” She nods her head yes, stepping to the front seat and grabs out two tangerines holding them out for me. "A snack for helping is early, you look tiny as it is. You need some pudge.” But what she doesn't know is that I have been struggling to measly eat a slice of toast the past week and Jin is on the verge of killing me before I starve myself. I grab the tangerines sliding them into the open side pocket of my backpack. "Thank you Ellie." I smiled at her and walked over to her driver's door, opening it for her. 

She makes her way around the car and as she does, looking at me "You remind me of my late grandson who passed, thank you." I smile at her and she gives me a hug which I gladly accept. It's been so long since I had a comforting grandma hug. "Now you get where you're going safe Young man, and you better eat those." She points to my backpack, I nod my head to let her know I'll eat them. I jester for her to get in her car, once she is situated in her car I shut the door. She rolls down the window and says one more thing. 'What's your name?'

"Yoongi, Min Yoongi ma'am."

"What did I just tell you, It's Ellie to you." she is laughing at how I can not be not polite. "My grandson's name was Yeon-gi, I'll remember yours for the next time we meet." It's crazy how close her grandson's name was to mine. I'll just have to make sure she sees me again to get to know her better, next time I'll park my bike close to the corner store and move it when she is getting there. Looks like I got two plans on Sunday. "Be safe Ellie, I'll see you next Sunday." walking away before she can question me. I get on my bike and place my phone on the holder, click to see the time and it's five minutes until breakfast. Fuck. They live fifteen minutes away. I also see a text from Jin and one from Vi. 

Notifications:

Jin: TELL THE GIRL. Also Hobi is now jealous you told me, you love me and not him."

Vi: Better not be late or no French toast! I won't cave for you this time. AND you can't use princess against me. 

I laugh at both of them and clear out the notifications, I'll text Jin later and Vi I'm going to see her in ten minutes max. Fuck a Cig would be so good right now to feel the smoke feel my lungs, the way the nicotine feels my brain up with something other than my thoughts. I take a deep breath wanting to sink into my utopia. Lately I have been knocking on the door even in daylight. No, you locked the door, Yoongi. I turn on my bike, kick the stand,  rev it, and hold my hand down to the left to indicate I'm getting on the road for other drivers. I take off speeding down the road feeling at one with my bike going in and out of the cars seeing their tail light as I pass by. The road on a Sunday is too annoying to deal with in a car, glad that I have my bike able to get around the traffic. Some people may get mad but I would say get a bike then. Their apartment isn't far. That was my one rule when they moved out early to be close to Jin and I. If there is an  emergency one of us can get there quickly, currently my record is nine minutes when Vi was alone and had a panic attack. 

I'm two roads away from theirs and I turn my phone on and see the time 8:05 am. Fuck Breakfast is at 8am sharp. Why would they not sleep in on a Sunday? Your guess is as good as mine. They say "well then we don't get trio time." I know they mean the three of us ever since I graduated and they moved out. It's been so much harder to get all three of us together, also in about a year Hans will leave for her fashion program in another country. I see Vi trying to be happy and strong for her but I see she is breaking silently.  It may be a year and that sounds like a long enough time to prep but when you're as close as them it's going to go by so quickly with life passing by all of us.  I hold my hand out right to indicate I'm turning right. It's different riding by myself than when I have my backpack, Vi.  At first she was opposed to riding hell terrified. She even cried not once but twice saying she was going to die, in turn had to let her trust that she would not die and talk her off the ledge that she put herself on. 

I see her car and no open spaces, VI started to pull up closer to the car in front of her so I could park my bike horizontally behind her car.  She did it without telling me and I noticed one day after I couldn't find a spot for four blocks might as well have walked to theirs that day. I pull in and I know I'm already late. I might as well give myself my fix I need, taking off my helmet reaching into my pocket, taking out the red Marlboro pack, it's the last one, the lucky one. Vi is rubbing off habit forming tendencies on me believing the last one is lucky. I fucking hope it is after the past few days. I put it between my lips and flick the lighter, the red cherry ignites and I take a slow drag on it. Fuck it feels nice. I feel I can feel the gray smoke fill my lungs and ignites something in me, just like those gray eyes. No! You locked the door. No chained it up. 

I look up and see Vi and Hans' window is open and they're screaming and I hear Vi yelling "Gonna get you back Hans!" Well, that is my queue to get up there as soon as possible. I throw the cig on the ground and stomp it with my boot. Sorry buddy I couldn't finish you, rather saying it to myself swinging my leg over and running up the stairs of the entrance of their building typing in the code '134340' and running to the elevator and hitting the button over and over probably will break it one day. "Hey, it's not gonna go any faster.” their security guard uh what was his name again? J-Namjoon! "I know but I think Vi is going to Kill Hans." He knows who we are at this point. He has even had pizza night with us. We all sat in the lobby with him on his shift and ate it. 

As the door shut he said something that I never thought I'd hear. "Better get her,  she Brought a guy home yesterday." how does everyone know how I feel, yet the one person who needs to know does not know. Who the hell did she meet? where? when? How? She is always so invested in her studies that she doesn't even go out to drink. Hell sometimes I can't even get her on the back of my bike because her nose is in a law book prepping as she says. “I'm nowhere near ready.” 

To tell her,  then say I'm trying to get a handle on myself I'm barely making it day by day. Right after confessing? Yeah fuck that. I can not tell her and then bring her into this, when the time is right I'll tell and if I loose my shot because my own fucked up issues then so be it I'll love her from afar forever. I'll always protect her. I'm hers and she doesn't even know it. 

The elevator dings and opens, I'm digging in my jeans for my keys and to open their door and I hear them screaming at each other. Wait, do I hear laughing? unlocking the door and setting my stuff on the entry table I smile as I see Vi's helmet waiting to be put on for a ride; she only puts it there when she knows she will be goin' riding. So she is expecting it huh. 

I slip my boots off as quickly as I can and I hear them laughing going back and forth and I hear the sink? Rounding the corner I see them in nothing but big shirts and Vi is covered in flour and Hans is covered in water. Clearly they did not notice me coming in, also being late. Thank god. I stand back and they do not even notice me standing behind Vi, and that when I notice. Fuck. Eyes up Yoongi Don't look, but my eyes follow down the way the big t-shirt is flowing down her body, it flows with her movements and as she goes for Hans again I see what I never thought I would. I see the light purple underwear, her ass peeking from under her shirt, oh god damn maybe that cig was lucky. I see her hip dips that I overheard her being embarrassed talking to Hans about when they were shopping for swimsuits last year. Fuck the way her body curves like a damn road. I'm ready to learn the road map from the back of my hand, even blindfolded. She has a cute little freckle on the bottom left and it’s perfectly placed makes me want to bite. suck. Min Yoongi. Stop. 

One more look. Just one more. She moves again and I see the way her round ass is peaking out of the underwear. cheeky. I smirk and think what else is under that shirt that I can't see. The way her body has the dimples on the back of her thighs she is so thick and I just want to be suffocated by her.  It's time to stop being a perv, but it's not like I haven't seen it from going to the pool with her. I step forward looking at them both "Woah what are you too doing?" holding my hands up to show I'm not in on whatever the hell they are doing. Vi takes her finger off the trigger slowly on the sprayer and Hans has her hand in the bag of flour. My eyes meet Hans and they are as wide as boba balls filling her eyes, Vi slowly turns to me and she is the same way. "Uh, Sunday morning battle?" they say in unison. I can't help but let a small laugh out under my breath. They really do bring the inner kid out when they are together.

It's like they are telepathic or something, because right after they say it I see small smirks appear on both their faces and they say "Get him!" Vi flips the sprayer and pulls the trigger, Hans pulls the hand out of flour and starts throwing it at me. Here I thought I was just a witness. Damn it, if they want it I'm gonna be on Vi 's side. It's not a three way battle it is a two way battle and I choose Vi. I rush forward and Wrap one of my arms around her waist and grab the sprayer and turn it on Hana. "I'm on Vi's team sorry sis." Hana, as dramatic as she is, places her hand over her heart like I broke family trust and gasps. We are all laughing and I feel Vi scoots into my chest more...fuck she is close. I see Hans stick her hand back into the bag of flour to throw it at us and I aim the sprayer at the bag to make it unusable wet flour will do nothing, her piercing gaze at me and says "Oh you're in for it Yoongs!" 

I smirk at her,  I'm totally not gonna back down now. "Bring it." right as I say that I feel Vi turn into my chest hiding from Hans, she has her face in my chest and her hands clasped together to her chest, scooting in as close as she can get. I squeeze her in, accepting being this close to her. Damn that cig was lucky, Hans is turning and looking at the counter. I see her grab the chocolate syrup. Fuck. "Don't do it." I mumble. She smirks and mouths to me. "She's mine." I shake my head no and she starts to spray the chocolate syrup all over Vi and me. Which makes Vi slightly jump as the cold syrup hits her back. "Seriously you're gonna use chocolate syrup on me?!" 

"Got that right she's my girl." After she says it she drops the syrup bottle on the ground, she rushes forward and pulls my arms off Vi,  pulling her into her chest. Vi just accepts where she is taken as long as she is with one of us. With Vi not being able to see Hans smirks at me and guides her hand down to the ass I was staring at before and mouths to me "You can't do this. Confess." and she smacks her ass,  I see it jiggle under her shirt. Fuck.  Vi just laughs saying "You always gotta touch my ass Hans. Huh?" 

"It's perfect who wouldn't want to touch it." she gives it another squeeze. God and you would think it'd be my sister who is in love with her. After doing it she gives me a wink and spells out the word 'confess' in wraps her arms from Vi and looks at her. "Looks like someone needs a shower or bath. Which one do you want, Vi?" She taps on her chin "mhm bath." 

I mumble not knowing if they heard me or not. "Should have known that." 

"And how would you know Min Yoongi?" 

"Well when you go out with Mingyu who hangs out here with Vi. Me. I know how she likes her bath. You forget I have known her for more than half my life, Hans." Raising my eyebrow at her. She is challenging me and I'm not here for it. "Why don’t I run her bath just the way she likes and we'll see." she has Vi still in her arms, rubbing on her back I hear a small hum come her she is comfy huh? "Do it." 

I go to her room not like I need to knock, hell hans doesn't even know I have spent nights in here in her bed when she is out with Mingyu. The bathroom that she is decorated in purple accents, and at the top of her shower has those glowing stars that is normally put on the ceiling of kids room but she said "I wanna be in the sky Yoon! Help me put them up pleassse."  adding way too many “s” at the end. When they moved in and that day I had to climb on a chair with both of them holding onto my legs so I didn't fall, I could have just gotten Jin. That would have been easier but I wanted to be the one to do it for her. Be that memory in her mind. 

Running the bath to the scolding hot temperature she likes, adding in the vanilla bubble bath, rolling my sleeve up, sticking my hand in the tub to slush the water around to make it super bubbly so she can make her bubble beard. God sometimes she is so innocent, but it brings out the inner child in me. Pulling open the drawer and taking out the vanilla scented candle, lighting it with my lighter. A cig would be nice right about now when she's in the tub I'll step out and smoke. I also grab the star night light and plug it in. She lit up like a shooting star that day I gave it to her, turning off the light, the stars glowing on the ceiling and the light shining from the night light. Perfect. Turning the water off, walking to her bedroom, the black chest of drawers she  made me help paint. The third drawer and take out her purple pajamas with the evil character she loves. What was it? Kimmie. No. Oh! It's Kuromi, don't tell her I forgot the name. Placing them on the leather couch she had to have that I built, I think of all the small things I have done for her and I'll do it over and over again.

It may not be night, but I'm totally gonna make it how she likes to decompress closing the curtains and turning on the starlight but only on the color ripple effect without the stars because she put the glow in the dark stars all over the ceiling here too. Let's just say all three of us and the ten foot ceilings were a joke. I pull out my phone and open the food delivery app and place an order for French toast and all the sides to be here in the next thirty minutes. 

I walk out to the kitchen, and see Vi and Hans on the ground laughing cleaning up the mess they both masterminded. "Hans we gotta stop this." she is on the floor laughing and fuck does this girl just not wear damn pants anymore. Purple will be the end of my existence, no Violet and those damn purple panties. One more look. God damn it that cig was lucky. I'm never stopping doing that trick for the rest of my damn life. 

"Vi if we don't do this then when else am I gonna touch your ass."

"You do it everyday Hans don't you get enough." 

What is this conversation, the things they talk about will never not throw me for a loop. Stepping forward and about to make myself known "No I don't think she can Vi. No one could if they got a touch.” Oh fuck why did I say it well it’s already out,  Hans is looking at me like a fucking wing women like she set me up.  Vi slowly turns her head biting on her bottom lip looking up at me. Oh what I would do to have her on her knees looking up at me waiting to- no stop not right now. She would look pretty though so fucking pretty.  "You're just sayin' that Yoon, both of you." 

I bend down to her and to her ear "Your bath is done princess don't wanna let it get cold do you?" Those wide gray eyes looking back at me and shaking her head no. "Good girl now go get in, it's the way you like it Kay?" She nods, standing up I hold my hands out for her to grab on to help her up. This time she looks like she is in another world spaced out, letting me help her up normally, refusing if I ever tried saying she was "too heavy" but I'm sorry I don't want stick and bones. I want her.  Everything about her body, I want to see it.  Make it my own private driveway. 

She gets up running to her room and shuts the door. I see Hans finishing the cleaning and putting her hand out for help getting up. Grabbing her hand,  helping her up and she looks at me "I never thought you would say something out loud to her like that. I'm going to shower Yoongs. you can take mine after Kay?" I nod in response and I'm standing here in a chocolate covered shirt with flour and water on me. Hans always takes the longest showers. I know where I'll be heading right to Vi, what Hans doesn't know does kill her. Right? 

I give three light knocks on her door. She knows it's me, I have always done this to let her know it's me. 

"Yoon?"

"It's me Vi." I close the door lightly and see her bathroom door cracked, taking my shirt off and grabbing one from the bottom drawer, throwing it on. Walking to the bathroom and knocking three times lightly as I walk in and see her in the tub with her legs bent in her suit she used for the pool to say the least we started this when Hans is out with Mingyu when she had a rough time, but she wouldn't tell me why. We get the bath all set up and she puts on her suit and I wash her hair, give her a massage and let her relax finally. Yet I'm still only the best friend's brother. 

The way her soft fucking legs peak out under the suds and her soft skin that is like honey. I'll let her drown me under the water and never come out. "Vi gotta hurry this time. Cant let Hans know huh? But my princess deserves it." lowering myself to my knees in front of her, taking her hand out of the water and rubbing her thumb on my cheek right next to me lips and our eyes lock "Got some chocolate Yoon." and I'm ready to drown myself. After she turned her back facing me, I grabbed the shampoo and put a small dime size in my hand rubbing my hand together to lather it up and I put it in her hair starting in slow motions. Using my finger tips running through her hair, rubbing up and down her neck to loosen it up for her. She gives me a satisfying hum and her head starts to fall back as I do it. I know this is her guilty pleasure and I'm not gonna take it away from her, said it reminded her of when her dad washed her hair. Girls with daddy issues are a weakness because I wanna be their daddy. No. Min Yoongi you're just the best Friends brother. "Feels good?" She hums “Yeahs.” I know it's one of her favorite things when Hans leaves. I grab the cup next to me start to wash it all out her hair for her being gentle to not let any of the suds get in her eyes. 

"I gotta go, Vi. Can't let Hans know our secret right princess?" She nods,  turns around facing me "Thank you Yoon. It felt so good." I give her a smile, a true smile that hasn't been seen in days. There is this comfort feeling in taking care of her when I'm barely taking care of myself. I rub her cheek "You’re welcome I'll always do it for you, and if you find someone and they don't do it for you tell them to talk to me." I lean forward placing a kiss on her forehead, stand up and walk out the bathroom shutting the door lightly to give her “Me time” as she calls it. Resting  my back on the door trying to catch my breath and calm the semi hard on, on the lower half. Get yourself together man. Looks like I know what I’ll be doing in the shower to handle myself. My own “Me time.” 

Thank you for reading. ₊˚⊹♡

All rights belong to @/Yoon-Topias. Do not copy/ translate.

[lovebillyhargrove]

Aftermath: Part 1

They are weirdly silent on the way to Harrington's house. Like .. there's so much to ask and to tell each other, Steve's got a thousand of questions, but Billy's eyes are closed and Steve isn't even sure if he's awake or not, so he just keeps to himself during the drive home.

When the camaro stops in the driveway, Billy slowly opens his eyes and looks at the house clearly having no understanding where they are.

"Hey, Hargro .. Billy, this is my place. You can stay here before we .. you know. Figure out uh .. what to do next."

Billy asks him one question

"Where are your parents?"

His voice is weak.

"They aren't home, don't worry. They are in Indianapolis right now and I'm pretty sure they're going to stay there for some time."

Steve pauses

"They are seldom here."

Billy gets out of the car and doesn't wait for Steve to give him a hand for support. They walk to the door, and once Billy is inside, he's walking into the kitchen, opens the faucet and drinks, drinks, drinks, straight from the tap, not even bothering with finding a glass.

"Can I go sleep?"

"Yes, yes of course, uhm .. in the guest room?"

"Do I have to go up the stairs?"

"Yeah?"

"Is there a couch here where I can crash?"

"Do you want to .. take a shower first?"

"Later."

"Shouldn't we at least take a look at .. some of these?"

Steve is pointing at the nasty scratches that are all over Billy's body.

"Some of them look bad."

"Leave a kit on the table here, I'll do it myself. But not now."

"Okay."

Steve shows him the way to the couch in the living room, and before he can say anything more Billy is just falling on it, and a second later he's asleep.

Steve goes upstairs and grabs a blanket and a pillow. He puts the pillow near the couch and covers Billy with the blanket.

Well. That's been quite a night.

Only now Steve understands that he's also extremely exhausted. He really wants to sleep, but he takes a shower first.

When his head touches the pillow, he's out like a light.

***

Okay, there's monster hunting and running away from the demodogs and getting almost killed by a car which comes alive when it wants, and there's going to the other dimension through a special portal in a concrete wall to bring back people who are thought to be dead.

But there are also such minor technicalities as work.

Steve's alarm goes off and he's what .. slept for an hour and a half, tops?

"Fuck my life," - he's muttering and smashing his alarm clock off the bedside table.

Maybe he can fake being sick again, but this time Keith with probably definitely fire him. And it's not that his parents are going to be nagging his ass much, but .. what is he supposed to do with all this time on his hands? Look for another dead end job? He kinda appreciates the fact that he at least works with Robin. Has someone to talk to about .. stuff.

"Uhhhhĥh shit .."

He's getting up. Memories of last night start popping up in his mind, and -

He has to check on Billy. Was it even real, maybe he's dreamed all of it???

Steve practically runs downstairs.

Hargrove is laying on the couch, in the same position Steve left him here a couple of hours ago.

Fuck, Steve can't even begin to imagine what this guy must've been through.

He quickly has a bite to eat, dresses and leaves the house.

The camaro is still standing in the driveway. It looks .. it fucking looks like a warrior. One headlight is gone (it must've been a tight fit with that portal). The rear view mirror on the same side is hanging by a thread. There are dents all over (from hitting demodogs), one tire looks flat, the windshield and practically every glass is cracked, one is actually totally smashed. There are deep scratches on the roof (the demobats, thank god they didn't have to deal with them. Well, Billy did .. deal with them for four months), so the paint is ruined. Down where the fire had got it, the paint looks cracked and molten.

Steve's gonna be late, but he has to do this: drives his beamer out of the garage and puts the camaro in.

"We gotta take you to that place again soon. I mean, not the junkyard, Old Joe's place, patch you up. Listen, I gotta go to work now, but I'll be back in the evening. Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone. Keep an eye on Billy."

Just a usual morning, talking to the car.

Steve's getting out of the camaro and is kneeling near the tire. Yeah, definitely flat.

"And .. hey, thanks for saving our asses last night. It was .. it was .."

He can't find the word

"It was fucking glorious, and right on time and .. we owe you our lives."

He's driving his beamer to work.

***

When he comes back home, Billy is still on the couch, sleeping, but with a pillow under his head now. Steve sees a glass near the sink and understands that Hargrove had to get up at one point. Maybe he even found something to eat in the fridge.

So that's what it is for the next three days. Billy just sleeps. Waking up just to drink, have a little bite and go to the bathroom, Steve's guessing. Every evening when he comes home from work he notices little things that are different, in the kitchen and in the downstairs bathroom.

Billy sleeps.

The camaro is in the garage. Steve needs to bring it for repairs but he kinda wants Billy to see it first.

Because it looks badass. It looks like a true warrior, and there's so much meaning in every dent and every scratch.

It's torn and damaged but

It looks beautiful, and powerful, and loyal.

***

On the fifth evening Steve opens the door and hears some sounds coming from the kitchen.

"Billy? You awake?"

"Hey. Yep, I am."

Hargrove's rustling with some plastic bags in the fridge.

"Good. I mean, great! If you wait a bit, I'll actually cook us decent dinner."

Billy shuts the fridge door and turns to Steve. Shit, he's so thin. He looks better though. Much better. He must've taken a shower and washed his hair. The wounds look better as well. They still need to go to the doctor. Probably ..

"I used your toothbrush. Might wanna get a new one."

"Yeah, no problem."

Steve is getting started on dinner and Billy is sitting down at the kitchen table.

"So .. did I ever thank you for uh. For saving my ass, Harrington?"

"We actually didn't get a chance to talk. But yeah, I mean .. I couldn't ignore the message you left me, could I? What kind of person would I be if I did?"

"What message?"

"What do you mean, what message? The one on the windshield .. of your car, remember? You wrote "help me"?"

For some reason Steve's not saying the "pretty boy" part.

Billy is looking at Steve incredulously.

"I didn't write any message. I was fucking chained to a fucking mountain all that time."

Steve stops fiddling with the cooker and the pots and the pans.

"Holy hell. It must've been your car then! Fuck, it's .. Did you actually understand that your car is .. it's kinda alive now? And .. it knows things??"

"I figured something like that was up when it drove to us. I mean there was no driver."

"Hey."

Steve's looking at Billy

"Did you go see it already?"

"Where is it?"

"In my garage."

Billy is getting up and following Steve. He slides the garage door up, and there it is, all smashed up and bruised, yet so fucking beautiful.

Billy is putting his hand on the hood.

"The fuck .. baby?"

"Wha .. Huh?"

"I was talking to my car, Harrington. It's all fucked up."

"Yeah well .. I actually know a place where they'll patch her up in no time. You should've seen her after .. after .."

"After you crashed into us, Steve. I remember."

"Yeah, about that .."

"Look, I know. You don't have to tell me anything. It was .. you did what you had to do."

Steve still feels like he owes Billy an apology. He can save it. For later.

"I gotta tell you the insanest shit, Hargrove."

"I bet. I'll be there with you in a minute? I want to .. uh. Be alone here."

"Yeah, sure. Sure."

Steve's turning around and heading to the kitchen.

When does crazy stuff actually stop in this town? Lets add a car which has a mind of its own, and a dead man coming back from hell to that list. Absolutely no surprise here.

When Billy comes back and slides down on the chair quietly, Steve notices tears in his eyes. Who knew that Billy The Bully Hargrove could cry. The list of crazy just got one point longer.

Pasta is boiling, and the sauce is stewing. It's probably time to start asking those one thousand questions Steve has been dying to ask Billy. Oh, and to tell him his own story, how he almost got burnt alive by the camaro, but then they kinda became friends. At least, he hopes they're friends now.

It's gonna be a long but such a super interesting evening.

To be continued

[apricotbuncakes]

(866) 488-7386

This is the Trevor Project Crisis/Suicide Intervention number.

I talked to someone tonight and she was so fucking awesome. She helped pull me out of my spiral, talked me down from my darker thoughts, gave me encouragement, and told me I was doing awesome for being brave and sharing how I was feeling. It was such a weight off my chest to hear someone else tell me I wasn't allowed to commit suicide (yes, I did ask if she could tell me that, yes she did awesome, and yes I am feeling so much better and am much safer because I called).

This number and others have high traffic because of the election season and the fear surrounding that, but don't let that discourage you from calling if you need to. I was scared to call too, and I tried every other coping mechanism I could think of, but hearing another person walk me through things helped so much better.

Call this number and get help if you need it. And yes, if you're asking "do I really need help?" Or "other people probably have it worse than me" you probably need it more than you realize. At least, that was my experience.

(More info on my experience below the cut)

I have this really weird relationship with suicidality. Like, the last time it was this bad was when I was in middle school. I ended up in a mental hospital because of it, and was relatively okay after I got all the feelings and stuff out of the way. I wasn't even in there a full week. I hated it there, but I know that if things get like that again, where a mental hospital feels safer than being at home, that it's serious. If I'm willing to go to a place like that to keep myself alive, I need help. It's a last minute metric, but it's a metric that's kept me alive so I'll fucking take it.

I actually made a promise to myself then that I wasn't allowed to try and kill myself, and every time it's gotten even remotely close to being this intense I've always told someone. Tonight it's late though, I was running low on sleep, hadn't eaten cause of nausea, and everyone who I wanted to talk to to distract me was either asleep or also on the verge of spiraling, and I didn't want to stress them out more.

So I went to the bathroom, I looked myself in the mirror and repeated "I'm not allowed to kill myself" over and over. It worked for a while. I more or less intimidated myself out of suicide for all of 20 minutes (every minute counts and I'm very proud of that). But it all spiraled again. So I got a notebook, a pencil, and I hit 'call' after dialing the Trevor number. I knew they had high call volumes so I made sure to use the notebook and pencil for something productive (productive as in 'keeping me alive'). I made a list (several pages long) of all the reasons, big and small, for me to keep living. I included selfless and selfish goals. I included the little things like wanting sushi or strawberries again. I included expensive things like going ice skating or traveling to Mexico. I included the personal goals like updating all my IDs to have the same name + gender marker, and getting top surgery. I included that I wanted to help other trans people get to safer places and that I wanted to finish college with a degree.

I have so many hopes and dreams and I'm not allowed to let them die with me. I'm not allowed to die.

And I told all of this to the wonderful woman who picked up tonight. And she walked me through everything, told me that I was okay, that we were all going to get through this together. She helped me, and I gave her the resources I had to look into safer states for everyone. She joked that I was doing her job and we laughed about it. I even told her that she could call or text my number if she needed something (outside of the call back/check up that we scheduled to make sure I was still doing okay). I told her I'd be happy to give her resources. I'm not sure if she's allowed to text or call me as an individual, but I did give her permission to if she happens to be allowed to.

I feel so much better, and the nausea has subsided. I'm going to get some food, lay on the couch, and watch something fun and lighthearted. Because it's been a rough night, and I need something fun. I deserve something fun.

[callsign-jinx]

Tasting the Ashes | Ch. 28: Red ✍️

Word count: 729

Warnings: mentions of pregnancy and fluffy Jake.

A/N: It's a small chapter but I will upload another one in a bit so stay calm everyone. And yes, we're changing the moodboard, you know what that means? d R A M A

Masterlist on pinned! Follow @meigalibrary for update notifications!

"That bitch did what?"

"Babe, breathe. You're heavily pregnant, and I don't want you to be stressed." Jake pleads, trying to make Red sit down. But it’s useless.

“Oh, don’t worry. I’ll have plenty of time to breathe when I make that bitch comprehend that you don’t mess with a Mitchell.”

“Okay, but remember that you had authorization to kill my father. You can’t kill this girl.”

“There are destinies worse than death, cowboy.” Red grabs her phone from the coffee table and calls Jazz.

“What can I do for you, my favorite queen?” Jazz answers, raising her voice, so Red can hear her over the buzzing ambient of the district. She’s working a night shift today.

“Someone is threatening Hen.” Red informs her.

“Give me a sec.” Red can hear movement and a door closing, the background noise ceasing instantly. “Give me a name, I’ll find them.”

“Regina Attwater. She worked with me and Hen until her accident.”

Jazz types her name on the computer, instantly coming up with a criminal record. “She definitely has a past, and it's not a good one. But I can’t tell you more.”

Red frowns, looking at Jake. “Why?”

“It’s empty. Someone erased it. I can’t know why she has a criminal record.”

And then, it hit her. “Oh shit, Gina’s dad is in the department.”

“Wait… her father is Richard Attwater?” Jazz inquires, immediately opening an internet browser to search for existing photos of Richard and his family. “I found a picture of him with a young woman, I’ll send it to you, so you can tell me if it’s her.”

Red waits a few seconds and opens the notification that pops up on her phone. In the photo in front of her, an old man with gray hair, and dress uniform was hugging his daughter, a young, blond woman who looked defiant to the camera.

Yeah, that’s Gina.

“It’s her, Jazz. We’re fucked up, aren’t we?” Red mutters, feeling the tears in her eyes as she knows that, no matter how much they try to sue her for what she’s doing to Hen, her father will somehow drop those charges. She’s untouchable.

“Yes, we are. Unless you want to call the NCIS, I think we’re fucked.”

“NCIS will say that this isn’t enough to open a case against her.” Jake hugs her soon-to-be wife, caressing her belly and feeling how little Maeve reacts under his touch, kicking his hand. Jake wants to smile, even though he knows this isn’t the right moment to do it.

“Honey, we’ll take care of Hen. But now you need to take care of you. Please.” Jake insists, noticing the tiredness in Red’s eyes. She has enough stress with the baby, she doesn't need any of this. It was a bad idea to tell her.

"I'm ok-"

"If you finish that sentence I will put you to bed myself."

"This is getting too kinky for me. I'll call you tomorrow, love. Bye." Jazz says before hanging up.

"Jake!"

"Don't whine, it's late and you need to rest."

"But-" She starts, but Jake raises a warning eyebrow. "Jake, she's your sister."

"Yeah, I know. Believe me I want to protect her more than anyone. But I'm not risking Maeve."

Red gives up, making grabby hands so Jake can help her get up from the sofa. "Let's go to sleep. I'll talk with the other girls tomorrow and see what we can do."

"That's my girl." Jake smiles, kissing her forehead while helping her.

"Where's Liam?"

"Bubs fell asleep a while ago. At least we finished the story today."

"What story?" She questions while he leads her to their bedroom.

"Tangled. He really likes Flynn."

"Who doesn't. Have you seen the man?" Red sighs, remembering the movie.

"Hey, it's me. Your fiancé." Jake states, pointing a finger to his face.

Red sighs again, entering the room and sitting on the bed. "Yeah, but just because Flynn isn't real."

"You're mean."

"But you love me." She shrugs, with a teasing smile.

"More than you could ever imagine."

Jake turns off the light and gets in bed with Red, kissing her belly and whispering lovely words to his baby girl before cuddling with the love of his life and falling asleep.

Tomorrow, he'll call the family, and all of them will think about how to deal with Gina.

Together.

[nerves-nebula]

i have a biiiiig problem. i need to get a lot of work done today, but i'm tired and i want to sleep. i know if i take a nap i'll prolly end up asleep for like at LEAST 3 hours, probably morel like 5 hours, and then my sleep schedule will be weird and messed up. but i dont know how productive i'll be right now because i'm miserable so i might just end up wasting 5 hours fucking off getting distracted anyway.

also, BECAUSE I'm fucking miserable i currently hate being alive but i can't kill myself because i have two people in a refugee camp relying on me and i have friends & family who would be sad if i died. but every day is a fucking slog. stuff that's supposed to be fun is a slog. lying in bed for a while and being unconscious would at least fix this a little bit, but i'd still have to work after that. and idk what to do. i don't want to DO anything.

i showed my therapist one of my vents and he tasked me with figuring out where or when I DO feel connected to anything or anyone, even if it's not fully. and i don't know what to tell him. so far the only thing i've come up with is fiction.

like, there are moments with people too, of course. talking to people, but a lot of those moments get spoiled in my memories of them. and i can't trust people. the only places i feel connected to anyone or anything is fiction. but there's not really anywhere for me to go with that.

i think i'm gonna nap. i know it's a bad idea, but i can't stay awake rn.

[iturmom]

i physically cannot sleep. i'm kinda starting to get tired but i cannot fall asleep there's absolutely nothing i can do to shut my brain off i just cannot quit desperately trying to figure out how i can prevent my life from spiralling into danger. but i don't think any of the ideas i have come up with could work. there's literally nothing i can do. i have absolutely no control over my life it is not mine anymore. ffs i was forced to exist against my will the least they could do is not fucking torture me for it but this is just how the powers that be operate they see us as no more than livestock. if there was anything (morally sound i don't value my life over anyone else's i would rather just die i refuse to compete) i could possibly do to stop suffering i would start right away god knows i can't sleep. but there's nothing. i'd even sell nudes at this point but no one wants that there's millions of free nudes online and i don't have anything to offer i mean i have nice assets but so do the millions of other free nudes online? i know how to paint pretty well but i don't know how to make art and i don't think i will ever be a good artist and i don't care i don't have anything to prove i don't want to compete i have nothing to offer there's plenty of great art out there and it's not going to come from me bc i just don't have it in me. i want to sell commissions but no one wants to buy paintings from someone who's not an artist. i literally just have no options for a job with a living wage. i have nothing to fucking offer that the powers that be value enough to let me survive. and i had 5000 from tax returns and covid stimulus. i could survive on that money for a little while. but my mother tried to kill me because i am nonbinary and mentally ill and not a fascist and a lot of other reasons she hates me for that are just not deserved. she tried to kill me. her husband helped hold me down. they twisted my arms and legs. my mother knocked my phone out of my hand and i was wailing begging for my partner i was on the phone with to help me somehow. until my mother silenced me with her hand on my throat. she choked me 4 times. when the cops arrived she was still on top of me and i got arrested. and i was homeless and i wasn't safe there obviously so i had to travel between alabama and texas for court i could not stay in alabama it was not safe. so i had to spend all my savings for the court bullshit and of course the case just ended up getting dismissed because she attacked me. but now i'm just left to die. i get no reparations. my mother tried to kill me the state arrested me for it and costed me my life's savings and everyone just tells me tough shit. i can't get disability even with all my trauma i can't fucking function without constant distraction or i'm just constantly tortured by cptsd. as mentioned i am too fucked up to function but i also have nothing to offer an employer i'll never make a living wage! honestly i'm being fucking purposely personally tortured by the world and they'll just keep getting away with it because no one will fight for me. my mother fucking tried to kill me for being nonbinary no one cares. i was date raped no one cares. i was an orphan. you know i busted my ass to build myself a stable living by my fucking bootstraps by 23 and had it all taken away from me by a violent roommate who attacked me and once again the police did nothing to help and rejected my protection order. one person chose evil one time and ruined my life irreparably. not to mention just the fact that i was forced to live with sketchy people just to afford to survive and all the fucked up shit that causes that to be the case. i'm fucked. and it doesn't fucking matter. i'll never have my life back. i'll never have autonomy over my life. my life was stolen from me and now i'm forced to suffer with no other option available.