#at least we managed to sort the bin out though. I feel better mentally after doing that

[thethingything]

oh god okay we decided to empty the bin instead (less physically intense but more urgent) and yeah changing the bedding is not gonna be an option. holy shit. (I kind of knew that would be the case but I'm also an expert on being in denial and full of hubris so I guess I hoped maybe I'd be able to manage it)

we were meant to get showered today as well but I somehow doubt that's happening either

[justmypartner]

Make it Work: Chapter 4

Summary: When offered a permanent position with the FBI, Hailey agrees to take it under one condition: Jay comes too. As their personal lives and work lives begin to change, the two partners find it increasingly difficult to navigate their complex relationship and manage their feelings for one another. 

Writer’s Note: This is a monster of a chapter. I honestly could have split it into two separate chapters, but I felt like the flow of the story went better having it all be in one. If you watch FBI or have at least seen Hailey’s episode, there’s a familiar character in this chapter ;) as well as some newbies. Reach out if you would like to be added to the taglist for future chapters! As always, thank you for following my stories and for all of the kind words!

Tagging: @angelsjedi , @brookerz122493 , @cpdfan2014 , @the–carousel , @maya-asturias​ 

Read on AO3 or below

Jay’s first night in the city wasn’t pleasant. Both he and Hailey hired moving services to ship their things from Chicago to New York prior to their move. Because of this, they spent their last few days in Chicago living out of duffle bags and travel toiletries in hotel rooms. The hope was that by the time they arrived in New York, unpacking was the only thing they’d have to worry about. However, when Jay walked into his apartment for the first time, only half of his things were waiting for him. He tried contacting the moving company, but being that it was so late, all he got was an automated message. Wherever the rest of his things were, his mattress, couch, and any sort of seating he had were all with it. This left him sleeping on the floor, using whatever he could find in the mess of boxes filling the apartment to build a makeshift bed. It was something he had done plenty of times before, especially while he was stationed overseas. However, as proven the next morning, his body just wasn’t cut out for it like it used to be. He was sore all over, making the rest of the day miserable.

The first thing he did was reach out to the moving company. He found out that of the two trucks that were carrying his things, one of them had gotten delayed somewhere in Pennsylvania. That particular truck just so happened to be the one carrying his mattress, bed frame, and couch. He figured in the meantime, he would unpack the things he had. However, he found it increasingly difficult to maneuver around due to the ache mainly centered around his back.

After a few hours of progress, he decided to take a break, leaning his back against the wall and sliding his body down until he was in a sitting position on the floor. He hadn’t had a chance to get groceries of any sort, so he was hungry and in desperate need for painkillers, but he couldn’t find it in himself to leave that spot on the floor, let alone his apartment. He threw his head back against the wall and closed his eyes as his face scrunched up from pain. He was about to pick up his phone and text Hailey when there was a knock at the door. He stood with a groan, holding at the lower part of his back as the motion sent a sting of pain up his body.

When he opened the door, Hailey was standing there with a 6 pack of beer and a cheerful smile on her face. The smile faded as she realized he was clenching his back in pain.

“What happened to you?” She asked, her brows furrowing as she looked him up and down.

“Nice to see you too,” he said, moving out of the way to let her in. She stepped inside, making her way to his kitchen counter to place the beers down.

“Yeah, hi or whatever… What happened to you?” She asked again, looking at him with a puzzled look.

“Stupid moving truck carrying the other half of my stuff got delayed, so I was left sleeping on the floor. I do not recommend that by the way,” he said, grabbing one of the beers and making his way to sit back on the floor.

“Why didn’t you tell me? You could’ve just spent the night with me,” she said. Her eyes immediately widened and Jay sent her a raised brow, a confused smile on his face as she said it. He noticed her turn red and he rubbed at his mouth and chin to conceal a smile escaping across his face.

“Ah I mean, you know you could have slept at my place on the couch,” she stammered over her words as she turned to look around his apartment, avoiding eye contact with him completely.

“It was like 3am. I didn’t want to bother you and I was too tired to even consider that. Thanks though,” he told her taking a swig of the beer. “Thanks for these too by the way,” he said, raising the beer in the air.

“Yeah of course. So when’s your stuff supposed to be here?” She questioned, playing with a small Chicago Bears figurine he had rested on a shelf.

“They said sometime this afternoon. Really hoping they’re right because I don’t think my body can take another night on the floor,” he told her, his eyes following her as she moved about the room.

“Yeah, you better watch it. Might not be able to get back up next time, old man,” she told him with a smirk, grabbing a beer from the counter and coming to sit crossed legged across from him on the floor. He wiped the condensation from his bottle and flung the water droplets at her, causing her to flinch.

“Hey!” She called out, guarding her face with her hands.

“Call me old again,” he challenged with a grin. She held her hands up in surrender and he retreated.

“So I like your place. How are you liking New York so far?” She asked him, placing one hand behind her and leaning back on it as she brought the bottle to her lips.

“Well considering I’ve only seen the inside of this apartment, I feel like I can’t answer that. How about you? How’s your apartment coming along?”

“Really good actually. Most of the major stuff has been arranged, now I just have to unpack all of the tedious things - dishes, silverware, knick knacks, all that,” she told him. He nodded as he adjusted his position against the wall. She sent him a concerned look when she saw him flinch and grasp at his back.

“Can I get you anything? We could stop by the store and get you some medicine then we could go back to my place. You could check it out, we could order some food, you could actually have a comfortable place to sit too,” she offered him.

“You had me at get you some medicine,” he beamed. She chuckled and stood, extending a hand towards him to help him up. Being that he was much heavier than her, she really had to pull to help him up. When he was finally on his feet, he was only inches away from her, their hands remaining together for longer than they should’ve. He could feel his heart picking up rhythm in his chest by her touch, so he quickly released his hand, bringing it to the back of his neck before chugging the rest of his beer and tossing it in the trash bin by the counter.

After picking up painkillers and dinner, the two made their way to Hailey’s apartment. Following Hailey into the apartment, Jay’s eyes studied the space, noting how accurately it represented her personality. It wasn’t completely put together yet. There were still boxes lying around sporadically across the floor, but for the most part it was simple and organized much like her. Hailey made her way to the living room where she set the food down on the coffee table before planting herself on the couch. Jay followed suit, falling onto the couch and letting himself sink into the cushions. Hailey popped open the bottle of aspirin they picked up at the store, offering him a bottle of water and 3 pills. As he took them, he realized how instinctively she was caring for him and how natural it felt to be in such a domestic setting with her. She pulled out his food, sitting it in front of him and snapping him out of his roaming thoughts.

“So, are you nervous about tomorrow?” She asked him, settling back into the couch as she took her fork out of the plastic wrapper. She was referring to it being their first day. Jay hadn’t confronted his feelings about it until that moment.

“I would tell you no, but we both know that would be a lie,” he admitted. She flashed him a knowing smile before continuing.

“What are you most worried about?”

“Nothing in particular, I just know it’s going to be a lot different than what I’m used to. Every fed I’ve ever worked with has been a pompous jackass, in it for the optics more than the actual people they’re trying to help. I know what we’ll be doing will be important, I guess my reservations come from a combination of not wanting to deal with that and not wanting to turn into that,” he told her, a solemn look overcoming his face. Her face formed into a frown and her stare fell to her plate as she seemed to silently think through her response.

“You know my first day, I walked into that building already carrying this sort of forced regard for the place. I had those same reservations you carry for the feds, but I respected what they did so I forced myself to walk into it all with a sort of blind respect. My first interaction with OA wasn’t so great. He made some backhanded comment and you know me, I don’t take stuff like that, so I threw it back at him. Made him realize I saw through what he was really trying to say. The more time I was there, I realized that even though they don’t all go about it the best way, everyone is there to do their part and take the bad guys off the street. While that type of mentality you described certainly exists among many of the people we’ll work with, I think the perspective we can bring will have a similar impact as what went down with OA that day. We put ‘em in check and they sort the rest out themselves. You’re a good cop, and that’s just what these units need. So whatever fears you have, I wouldn’t spend too much time dwelling on them because you’re going to be great,” she told him, smiling briefly before immediately diving back into her food.

Her words reassured him. He still felt some apprehension about the next day, but she leveled him enough to instill a bout of confidence he hadn’t previously carried. After finishing their dinner, Jay relished in the comfort of the couch and the relief brought on by the painkillers. Hailey had put a tv show on in the background, but Jay was watching it absentmindedly. He noticed his eyes get heavier and heavier, and when exhaustion eventually caught up to him, he fell asleep. He was woken up with a light shake from Hailey. His eyes blinked open and he took in the sight of her slightly hovered over him.

“Hi,” she said as he fully opened his eyes and pushed himself into a straighter sitting position.

“How long have I been out?” He asked her, rubbing at his eyes and stirring about in a blanket he didn’t remember having before. He realized Hailey must have put it on him while he was sleeping and he stifled a smile as he awaited her answer.

“About an hour. Your phone was ringing and I picked it up. I hope you don’t mind,” she told him, holding the phone out to him. He took it from her, squinting his eyes at the brightness of the screen.

“No, it’s fine. Who was it?” He asked, looking at a number he didn’t recognize and looking back at her for her response.

“It was the movers, they said they’re coming in about an hour,” she told him, standing to clear their empty take out containers from the table. He looked down at the time and threw the blanket off his body gently before folding it into a more manageable size. He then picked up what was left on the table and brought it into the kitchen to help her clean up.

“I guess I better get going,” he told her, looking for his coat.

“Okay, yeah. Here’s the painkillers. You may need them again later,” she told him, handing him the bottle from before.

“Thanks for taking care of me today,” he told her, tilting his head slightly as he sent her a warm smile.

“Don’t worry about it,” she shook her head with a grin. “See you tomorrow?”

“You know it,” he told her, opening the door to leave. Just as she went to close it behind him, he pushed it back open slightly. “Also, thank you for what you said earlier. It helped a lot.”

She returned his words with a slight nod before he turned to make his way to the elevator. The rest of the night he felt like there was an oddly natural shift in their relationship. The way she cared for him and reassured him seemed so much more than their usual platonic dynamic. It was like they crossed some sort of line without making a thing of it, and it made his heart rush just thinking about it. Though, he decided to not think about it. Instead, he tried to focus on the change they were set to endure that next day.

- - - -

Jay woke the next morning in the comfort and familiarity of his bed. The night before, the movers brought the last of his things into his place, and he felt relieved to not have to sleep on the floor once again. After taking a shower, he stood in his bedroom in nothing but a t-shirt and boxers, staring down at the suit he had laid out for the day. It was a tangible symbol of his new life, and it made him nervous. He only ever had to wear a suit for two things: funerals and court, and those never came with good memories. He finally psyched himself up enough to put it on, looking in the mirror as he adjusted the tie around his neck. He took a breath, briefly staring back at his own reflection in the mirror before moving to his bedroom and pulling his gun from a safe in the closet. He secured it in the holster on his belt before pulling on his jacket, buttoning the top two buttons to conceal it from view.

He met Hailey outside of the building. They first had to get their photos taken for their identification and badges before making their way up to the new unit. He immediately recognized how nice everything was, even just the equipment they used to make their IDs was far more advanced than anything he’d ever seen. As soon as they handed the badge to him and he placed it on his hip, everything settled in. This was his new life. His new job. The nerves kicked in as they made their way up to their floor. He fidgeted in the elevator, pulling at the sleeves of his coat and adjusting his tie every few seconds. Hailey clocked his jumpiness from the corner of her eye.

“Dude, you need to relax,” she told him with a chuckle, placing a hand briefly on his shoulder.

“I know, I know,” he all but whispered.

He was feeling very out of his element. First days can be nerve wrecking in general, but this seemed new and unfamiliar to him. His transition from Organized Crime to Intelligence felt natural. There was a comfort about the ruggedness of Intelligence that put him at ease on his first day; it made him feel like he fit in. This though? Suits, million dollar tech, fancy buildings, it all seemed so far out of his league and he was having trouble calming his nerves.

There was a brief silence before he blurted out, “I just really hate suits,” he admitted, putting his energy into the discomfort he was feeling about the attire.

“Eh, I do too, but you get used to it. Just, relax though. You’re going to be great, they’re going to be great. It’ll be fine… You look great by the way,” she reassured him with her dimpled grin. He flashed an unconvincing smile at her and took a deep breath just as the elevator doors opened.

Organized chaos is how he would have described the room before him. Everyone in the room was busily distracted by something. It seemed to be a meticulous operation, but it was a much larger scale than what he was used to in Intelligence.

“Hailey Upton!” An excited voice called out as they exited the elevator.

“OA? The hell are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be a few floors down?” She asked as Jay watched a stranger grab her in a hug. He was tall, so tall in fact that he made Hailey look miniature.

“Yeah, I heard you started today so I thought I’d come say hello,” he said as his eyes met Jay’s over Hailey’s shoulder. As they pulled away from the embrace, Hailey turned to gesture towards an awkward smiling Jay.

“OA, I’d like to introduce you to my partner, Jay.”

“So you’re the illustrious Jay. Hailey told me a lot about you, specifically that you were a Ranger. I was a Captain, two tours in Iraq,” OA said, reaching a hand out to shake Jay’s.

“No way, I did two in Afghanistan. 75th Regiment, 3rd Battalion,” he said, shaking his hand back firmly. “Hailey told me a lot about you as well by the way. Thanks for looking out for her all those weeks,” he continued.

“Yeah, well I think you got it backwards, it was her who was looking out for me,” he said sending a smile Hailey’s way.

“Yeah, he’s alright… for a fed,” she said with a shrug and a mischievous grin.

“What do you mean? You know you’re a fed now too, right?” he laughed back.

“Shhh don’t tell anyone,” she replied jokingly.

“Secret’s safe with me, but I have a feeling they’ll find out eventually,” he said waving a finger at the busy room around them. “Anyway, it was good seeing you Chicago, but I gotta head back to JOC. Catch ya later?” OA said backing away towards the elevator.

“Yeah, for sure,” she responded.

“Hey man, nice meeting you!” Jay called out.

“Yeah, you too!” OA replied as he climbed into the elevator.

Jay felt more at ease by the interaction. Seeing how comfortable Hailey was in this environment and how well she got on with OA lowered his nerves a bit. He figured if everyone with the bureau was like him, adjusting may be easier than he thought. He followed Hailey as she made her way over to a group of people gathered by a large screen. When they were close enough, Hailey cleared her throat catching the attention of them all, heads spinning around to look at the two of them.

“Detective… or should I say Special Agent Upton, great to see you again. Welcome,” one of them said, extending a hand out to shake hers.

“Agent Reynolds, likewise. This is Jay Halstead,” she said with a nod towards Jay.

“Jay Halstead, it’s nice to officially meet you, I’m Drake Reynolds, Assistant Special Agent in Charge. Welcome to the FBI,” he said, reaching his hand out to meet Jay’s. “Everyone on the team just calls me Drake by the way,” he said, darting his eyes back to Hailey to correct her.

“Nice to meet you as well, sir,” Jay replied.  

“Right. Now, normally we’d do a more official welcome, you know get to meet everyone and everything, but we just had a really urgent case come in so I’m going to have you two jump right in if that’s okay,” Drake told them. They nodded as he made his way to the front of the room to get everyone’s attention.

“Okay, everyone we caught a live one this morning. Subject is Eli Sarkova, Latvian national who has been on many federal agencies’ radars for a while now. Sarkova is said to run one of the major trafficking rings out of Eastern Europe with strong ties right here in New York. NYPD picked up one of his connections, Andris Ozola, last night. They called us and now he is sitting in our interrogation room where one of our agents was able to pull out intel that Sarkova is right here in Manhattan for the first time in months. Ozola didn’t have a direct location, but we do know where his driver is expected to be at 11 am today, so we’re sending a team to go pick him up. Driver’s name is Edgars Berlina, white male, 6’2”, 185 pounds, bald, with ironically, a tattoo of angel wings on his neck. Berlina and any crew he’s with are most definitely going to be armed and dangerous. Memorize his picture, he’s going to be in a public area so we need to play this one right,” Drake said as he addressed the whole room.

“Bennett and Burrows, I want you two riding with Halstead and Upton today. Show them the ropes and answer any questions they may have about the field,” he told two agents to his right. They nodded in agreement, flashing warm smiles to the partners before Drake left the four of them standing there.

“Agent Daisy Bennett,” the female agent said extending her hand out to each of them. “And this is Walker Burrows,” she said, gesturing to the male agent by her side. Jay picked up on a lingering look Agent Burrows gave Hailey as he shook her hand. He frowned at this slightly as Hailey introduced herself.

“Hailey Upton, good to meet you both.”

“Jay Halstead,” he said shortly, continuing a stern stare at the man in front of him whose gaze continued to remain on Hailey.

“Follow us to the garage. The gear is already in the car, so we can get suited up out there,” Daisy said, turning to walk down the hall to the elevators.

“So you’re both from Chicago. Detectives, right?” Walker questioned, pressing the button for the garage.

“Yeah, that’s right,” Jay replied, carrying his gaze straight ahead of him. “I gotta say, it’s already a culture shock. I’m not used to having intel handed to us like this. Usually we’re digging for this stuff ourselves,” Jay admitted, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“Yeah, I’m sure as hell glad we don’t have to worry about that. We get to do the actual important stuff like actually taking down the targets,” Walker replied. Jay shot Hailey a cross look, one that she returned, but he decided to keep his mouth shut, not wanting to challenge the man already in the first 5 minutes of meeting him. Maybe it was because he was used to doing the intel work himself, but Jay saw the value in all of it. Hearing the man so easily disregard other positions in the unit already didn’t sit right with him, but he shook it off for the sake of starting off on the right foot.

When they arrived at the car, Daisy opened the tailgate, pulling out 2 containers of gear.

“I’m not sure how you guys rolled in Chicago, but we have these in-ear coms. They’re fully open channels so you can communicate with any and all of us at all times. Mic button falls near your collar, so keep that in mind,” she said, handing them each ear pieces to put in their ears. “Bureau issued vests. Level IIIA body armor. It’s supposed to protect you even up to point blank range, but will leave a pretty nasty bruise,” she told them as she handed them each a vest. As they took their jackets off to put them on, Hailey looked over at Jay with a cheeky grin.

“Just because it’s good armor, doesn’t mean you need to go testing it out, okay?” She joked as she pulled it over her head, securing the velcro straps on the sides.

“Ha Ha,” he mocked back at her.

“Get shot a lot do you?” Daisy asked as she pulled her hair up in a ponytail.

“Bullet magnet, this man,” Hailey joked, eliciting a laugh from each of them.

Walker drove them to the target location, Daisy riding in the front and Hailey and Jay in the back. Jay didn’t like not being in the front, in control of the car, but he went with it, recognizing it as a temporary thing until they got settled in. When they rolled up, they exited the car, concealing their badges, vests, and weapons as to not be identified as law enforcement before they could get eyes on the target.

“Looks like there’s two entrances to the park. I say you guys take the north end and we’ll take the south. If he’s anywhere-“ Jay began, taking point on tactics as he was so used to doing in Intelligence, but Daisy cut him off.

“Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, but you guys are supposed to be following our lead today. I think each of us need to be partnered with you both. So, Walker you go with Hailey to the south end. Jay, you and I will take the north,” she instructed. It made Jay slightly uneasy to be split from Hailey, but he went along with it, acknowledging his unfamiliar role that came from being the new guy. Hailey sent him a reassuring look, silently communicating that everything would be fine. He nodded before they all departed ways.

“Dean, Fisher, your teams in place?” Daisy asked the other team leaders through the coms.

They each confirmed as Jay walked side by side with her down the path in the park. They settled on a bench, giving them a view of the center and north entrance of the park.

“We’re in place, all clear on the north end,” Jay said into the coms, his eyes surveying his surroundings as he put an arm on the back of the bench.

They sat in the park for a while. Eventually, one of the other agents saw the target pull up. They were able to bring him in without any problems. He was alone when they brought him in, which they all found odd. He was also very silent throughout every interaction, something they took as years of keeping his mouth shut with his boss. When they got him in the interrogation room, Drake sent Jay and Hailey in together to get a read on their capabilities. While Hailey pulled the “we’re here to help you, but only if you talk” method, Jay took a more silent approach. He remained in the seat staring at the man as Hailey paced the floor of the interrogation room trying to convince him to talk. After 20 minutes of silence, Hailey sat down next to Jay, looking down at the table, her arms crossed as the man kept a cold stare at her.

“Tell me Berlina, why’d Sarkova send you into that park alone this morning?” Jay finally asked, leaning forward and clasping his hands together on the table. The man said nothing, shifting his stare from Hailey to Jay.

“I mean, you’re just his driver after all. Anybody can drive a car, you’re pretty replaceable. But still, you’d think years of working for the man would earn you something, right? Some sort of protection,” Still the man remained silent. Jay shrugged before continuing on. “I don’t know. He’s probably already got you replaced anyway. We found out some pretty interesting things about you from Interpol. A couple of outstanding warrants in Latvia… even a few in Estonia. You get around, don’t you? Anyway, your plane leaves this afternoon. Hopefully that gives you enough time to get out of here before Sarkova has a chance to tie up loose ends,” Jay finished, rising in his chair to exit the room. Hailey followed, and just as they were about to exit, the man called them back.

He ended up giving them the location of a brownstone in a wealthier neighborhood. They set out with the FBI tactical team, expecting heavy arms and numerous bodyguards according to what Berlina gave them. They had planned to infiltrate late in the night to provide themselves with an extra element of surprise. This was the one part of the job that Jay felt sure about. As he geared up, he felt pumped up for the first time that day. Knowing that his interrogation gave them the location added a little motivation as well. Still partnered with Daisy, she and Jay followed after the two tact team guys upon breaching the front door. Walker and Hailey were behind them, making their way to the other side of the house upon entry. One of the tact team guys came in contact with an offender first, convincing him to stand down and taking his weapon before cuffing him. Jay and Daisy continued into the house, sweeping each room one by one. They came into contact with a second offender, and they were able to convince him to stand down as well. Next thing they knew, there was a ruckus on the other side of the house, so they swiftly picked up their pace, making their way in that direction. There was a gunshot and panic overcame Jay as he realized it was in the part of the house Hailey was clearing.

“Hailey!” He called out. No response. He called her name once more before entering a large room. He caught sight of her blonde hair on the ground. His heart dropped, but she turned over as he got closer, clutching at her jaw. Walker was behind her, standing over Sarkova who was face down on the ground.

“Hailey! What the hell happened, are you okay?” Jay questioned, making his way over to her and instinctively grabbing at her chin to get a better look at the red mark on her jaw.

“Guy was hiding behind the door when I walked in. He tried to grab at my gun and forced me to fire a round into the wall. He also got me nice in the jaw before I could react,” she told him, stretching her jaw. Jay offered her a hand and she grabbed it to come to a standing position.

“She took the hell out of him though. Girl’s a badass,” Walker said, bringing Sarkova to his feet and guiding him to a tact guy by the door.

“Yeah, where the hell were you? Huh?” Jay asked, a slight snarky tone in his voice.

“Hey man, I was right behind her. I had her back,” Walker said back, closing the distance between him and Jay. Jay didn’t take well to people getting in his face. Hailey noticed this and stood between them, lightly pushing them apart.

“Woah, okay boys. We’re all good here,” she said, her eyes looking between the two of them.

Jay backed off, looking down at her with a worried look.

“Are you okay?” he asked her quietly, dropping his voice to a sincere tone.

“I’m good,” she nodded, patting him slightly on the chest.

“I should’ve had your back,” he said, his jaw clenched tightly.

“Jay, I’m fine. Relax, would you?” she told him, a slight frustration in her voice.

Jay didn’t like that she had gotten hurt and he wasn’t there to protect her. It wasn’t that she was hurt badly, but he didn’t like the idea of someone else, basically a stranger, being the one to watch her back in such a high risk situation. His opinion of Walker wasn’t all that great after his comment that morning, and it certainly wasn’t improving now that she had gotten hurt under his watch. One thing he was sure of was that he was glad their separation was only a temporary thing.

[btsmosphere]

Crossfire | KTH

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

~summary: The night your life blew up sent you on a collision course with the campus bad boy, Kim Taehyung. Though you were well aware of his reputation, it was his doorstep you ran to when you were bleeding with nowhere to go.

~word count: 2.3k

~gang!au, mafia!au, college!au, angst, fluff, action, strangers to lovers, friends to lovers

Warnings: swearing, drugs, injury, mentions of death and fights (warnings apply to each part individually, please read them)

~a/n: a smaller, slice-of-life update this week, maybe definitely inspired by lockdown! I hope you guys like this, as the next update will be longer and bring more drAma...

Taehyung must be superhuman. How he had managed to go to sleep with only a few hours left before college and still be awake and gone in time, eluded you.

You, on the other hand, were still tired as you tried to convince your body to crawl away from the warm covers long after the sun had risen. Not that you had anywhere to be. Once again, Taehyung had left food and water right beside you, and even the painkillers you took yesterday.

Groaning, you let your head fall back onto the pillow.

You inhaled deeply through your nose, then finally sat up, eyes still shut. Familiar pain lanced through your side at the movement, making you grit your teeth. At least your eyes were forced open in order to grab a pill.

Next, you figured there was no use lying in bed all day. Open the curtains which were still drawn. Great. What next?

As if in answer, your stomach growled a bit, so you sat back down to eat.

What next?

Teeth. Shit, you hadn’t cleaned your teeth in over a day now.

With dim hope, you made your way to the bathroom, but to your surprise, an unopened toothbrush sat by the sink.

Unfortunately, the surprise of a toothbrush turned out to be the biggest excitement of the day until Taehyung came back home. By that time, you had given in to lying down, mapping out the blemishes on the bedroom ceiling, so the moment you heard voices, you sprung up.

Peering around the door first, you saw Taehyung waving at someone on his doorstep. You waited until they had left and the door closed behind him to come down the stairs.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

You followed Tae through to the living room where he dropped his bag carelessly beside the sofa, reminding you unwillingly of days when you were younger, waiting up when your dad was late home and latching onto him straight away.

So you hung back, chewing your lip without realising.

“How’s college?” you asked his back as he went to the kitchen.

“Yeah, it’s okay,” he said, coming back around the corner with a drink, “nearly fell asleep in Professor Han’s lecture though.”

“You still take his class? I dropped that the minute I could,” you chuckled.

“I think you made the right decision,” the corners of his mouth turned up even as he took a sip. For a moment he savoured the drink, then lowered it.

“They’re talking about you.”

“They are?” you took a step forward as he nodded, but he quickly held up a hand.

“Hey, curtains,” he reminded you, then tossed his head behind him, “you should come round to the kitchen.”

A glance behind you revealed wide open curtains, so you sped out of sight and down the hall, meeting him where he now leant against the island.

“Did you really think they wouldn’t notice you going missing?”

“Well, I guess not,” you shrugged, “them knowing, is it… bad?”

“Bad? No,” he grinned, “I’m still going to hide you.”

“Thanks,” you smiled back, then, “have you… has Jungkook, you know…?”

“Oh, um,” Taehyung’s grin faded, telling you all you needed to know, “that was him at the door, but he hasn’t had the chance to look for him yet. Sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

Staring at your hands, you mentally cursed yourself. Clearly the time you spent doing nothing had got to you, to make you so impatient.

“Hey, look at this,” Tae was suddenly smiling again, and you watched as he raised the now empty bottle like a dart in his hand before shooting it off towards the bin, where it bounced from the rim with a hollow clunk.

Unable to help the laugh that burst from you, you collected it from the floor.

“My turn!”

Taehyung laughed and stepped aside while you lined up your shot, but just as the bottle left your hand, he pushed your arm and sent it careering off into the wall.

“Hey!” you elbowed him as he creased in laughter.

The next thing you knew, he was running around the island towards the fallen bottle. Realising this, you took off too, shouting after him, but were too late to wrestle it from his arms.

“You cheated! Let me try again!”

Your shouts were in vain as he easily held off your flailing body and dropped the bottle into the bin at last, then proceeded to do a victory lap. Scoffing, you stuck your leg out to trip him up as he reached you again.

“Sorry, sorry,” he lied as he got his breath back between laughs, “draw?”

“No, you win,” you rolled your eyes, “what should be your prize? I could cook tonight?”

His eyes lit up, grin still wide as ever, and accepted your offer.

Really, cooking wasn’t a punishment for you. After the most boring day on earth, you were happy to be doing something with purpose, and it came with the bonus of treating Taehyung for taking you in.

Later, once you had stored in your memory the cupboard where he kept the pans, and where the salt was, you finally sat down to eat- on top of the counter.

Still being light outside, you both agreed you couldn’t sit in the living room due to the open curtains, and this had led to your current state. Your knees were touching as you both sat cross-legged facing each other to eat from the bowls in your hands. Unfazed, Taehyung was wolfing it down in enormous bites, but you hoped that meant it met his approval.

“I have to go out again,” Taehyung spoke, causing your heart to sink, “the food was really good, by the way.”

Jumping down from the countertop, he looked up at you.

“Want me to get anything while I’m out?”

“Oh, no, no,” you assured him automatically.

However, this made him stop, turning back to you fully.

“Really? I don’t mind getting anything. You pretty much live here now so you don’t have to be polite.”

You furrowed your brows, mind instantly going blank as you tried to think.

“Maybe a book?”

“Sure,” he nodded, then his eyes widened, “wait, should I get you two? Five? What have you been doing all day without a phone or going out?”

“It was okay,” you tried, but quickly conceded, “okay, I was sort of bored out of my mind but-“

“Okay, I am definitely getting books. What’s your favourite food? We can have it tomorrow,” he suggested.

“I love anything with chocolate,” you smiled, “and I like most things, but… Italian?”

He smiled back at you just as his phone buzzed aggressively against the counter.

“Oh, shit…” he muttered as he turned it over, “I really need to-“

But he was in the hallway by then.

You fell asleep waiting for Taehyung to get back. Honestly, cooking had tired you out, as embarrassing as it was. Earlier you had found yourself needing to pause and catch your breath a few times while making dinner, but you supposed that was a minor side effect of being stabbed. It could have been much worse.

Washing up had been the final straw, after which you promised yourself you would find the energy to go and find the red pills after a short lie down.

A promise easily broken.

When Taehyung found you, you were sort of sitting, half slumped, against the headboard. As he shook you, sleep was reluctant to let go.

Therefore, by the next morning, you didn’t even remember seeing the boy. It barely crossed your mind that your clothes had changed and you were under the duvet. You were excited about the books, though.

Of course you hadn’t had time to give Taehyung any detail on what books you enjoyed, but anything was better than nothing, so after breakfast you began to read. It seemed he had been to the library at college given the stamps on the inside cover, but it was never open late and Taehyung had left in the evening yesterday.

Strangely, you didn’t feel too strongly about him having potentially broken into the place. Wow, your life really had got boring fast if even crime now counted as excitement. But if only you could go with him, break in somewhere for an adventure-

You shook yourself.

There was a small stack of books, non-fiction (being from a college library) and ranging from art to music to fashion.

Today, you didn’t run to Taehyung like a small child when he got back. Despite being later home than the previous day, he actually had to knock on the bedroom door to shake you away from the book you had almost finished.

“Oh sorry, hi!”

“Evening,” he smirked, stepping into the room to reveal a bag in his hand.

“Is that-!” you gasped at the smell wafting from it, and he grinned.

“Italiano,” he faked an accent, making a chef’s kiss with his free hand.

Practically bounding from the bed, you eagerly joined him on the kitchen counter again.

“I am so full,” you groaned after the last bite of pizza was gone.

“Really?” Taehyung raised his eyebrows.

“Yes, really! I just ate that whole thing!”

“That’s a shame…” he looked at you, amusement lingering at the edges of his mouth, “I guess I’ll have to have this by myself then.”

Your eyes grew huge as he leaned over to a drawer, pulling out an enormous chocolate bar. Paying no mind to your staring, he opened it and took a large bite, eyebrows drawing together in pleasure.

“Hey, wait-“

“I thought you were full?” you could barely make out his voice around the mouthful of chocolate.

“Can’t I have just a bit?”

“I don’t want you to be sick-“

Just then, you lost patience and took a swipe at the chocolate, but were easily evaded.

“Tae-“

Another bite.

Almost growling in frustration, you lunged forward, but he swiftly slid off the counter and took off down the hall, waving the bar over his head.

You had no choice but to give chase.

Taking the stairs two at a time, you caught up to him in the bedroom doorway and wasted no time in tackling him, throwing your arms around his waist.

“Hah! I win!”

You yanked the chocolate from his grasp and were raising it to your mouth at last when you saw his face.

As if he had burnt you, you shot up, taking your weight off him. All humour had suddenly gone from his expression, though an unconvincing smile appeared as he sat up, a hand hovering over his ribs.

“You won,” he laughed. But you weren’t having it.

His smile fell rapidly when you didn’t respond. Something was wrong.

“What is it? Did I hurt you?”

“No, it wasn’t you,” he looked down at the floor.

Lowering yourself to sit opposite him, you fixed him with a stare.

“Taehyung…”

“There was another attack tonight. Shinhyuk took someone out in one of our bars this side of town.”

“Wait… took someone out? You mean he actually-“

A grave nod.

“And… and you-?”

“I was there with Jin and Hoseok to collect something. Then, next thing, the bar goes into chaos, people saying we couldn’t get out. Shinhyuk caught a big dealer of ours as he was leaving, and shut the place down for… I dunno, dramatic effect? But we got in a fight with the men on the door to get outside…”

“Shit,” you breathed, “I’m so sorry, can I do anything?”

“It’s just bruised,” he shrugged, standing at last, “now eat your chocolate.”

For once, you were awake early enough to see Taehyung leave, his bruised knuckles lingering on the door before finally it clicked shut.

Two books later he came home.

Although you had sworn not to go downstairs after last time, you had been thirsty enough to risk it today. Being out of breath after just one set of stairs was worrying, but found the red pills you had forgotten about in the kitchen as you filled up your drink. Gulping one down, you hoped missing a couple wouldn’t affect you.

Then your fears came true.

A click heralded the opening of the door, and you were instantly moving out of sight. Pressed against the wall by the side door of the house, you prepared to open it and run if you had to, though you knew you wouldn’t be able to keep going for long.

“Y/N’s upstairs, I’ll just tell her I’m back-“

Your eyes closed as you let yourself breathe again.

“Uh, Taehyung,” you spoke, making yourself known in the doorway.

He stood on the lowest step, Jimin and Namjoon standing behind him in the hall.

Hastily, you apologised and passed them to go back upstairs, complete with your glass of water. It became clear soon after that an important discussion was being had, their voices sounding serious even though you could barely understand them from up here. Luckily, it was easy enough to make a guess as to their topic of conversation.

“He’s fighting a war with no opposition right now! He’ll steamroller us if we don’t do anything,” Namjoon’s voice was rising, and now that your book lay discarded beside you, you couldn’t help but hear. Perhaps it was against your better judgement, but the situation was relevant to you, and besides, you needed some drama to liven up your boring life hiding away.

“But Jungkookie told us he might already be in danger,” Jimin fired back.

A loaded pause.

“You know I wouldn’t put him in harms’ way. Never question that – I would do anything to protect every one of you. But that’s exactly why we need to do something.”

Taehyung’s voice cut in here, lower in volume, shepherding the conversation away from your prying ears.

“We need a plan.”

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[paperbagpetrichor]

Hey, I was wondering if you could do a Kakyoin x female reader, but it's "Rubber Soul" Kakyoin. Like with his strange behaviour and that, the reader notices something's wrong with Kakyoin and tries to figure it out? I thought it would be interesting and I know you would do an amazing job. Thank you.

[ I’m so so so sorry for the wait that this took;; I really hope you enjoy. ] You knew something was off the instant you felt a sudden wind blow past you.  At first, you had no idea where it had come from.  Jotaro and Anne were still in front of you, and Kakyoin hadn’t moved - yet.  Stand still far ahead of him, he tripped a strange man, moving so quickly it was like the cherry-haired boy had teleported rather than ran.  If you’d blinked, you were sure you would’ve missed it.  You had no idea what was going on, and your confusion was only heightened by the menacing threats Kakyoin suddenly started hurling at the man.  Eyes shifting from Kakyoin, then to Jotaro, then Anne, didn’t show much of anything.  It looked like the young girl and stoic boy were both shocked out of their minds.  Granted, so were you.  Within seconds he’d lifted the man above his head, arching the stranger’s back and beginning to...what the hell was he doing?  “Kakyoin!  Let him go!” 

Voice ringing in tandem with the stranger’s screaming, you raced over to your seemingly possessed friend only for Jotaro to overtake you and slug him across his shoulderblades.  “Hey - what the hell was that?” you demanded, letting the black-haired teen take care of the strange man and leaving yourself to care for the one who’d seemed to go through some sort of psychotic episode.  Instead, he completely ignored you, attempting to explain his actions to Jotaro and Anne, back facing you as his voice, oddly cold and nearly robotic, was interrupted by the laughter of excited children.  Still, you were focused on Kakyoin despite the distraction, especially as he let out a humorless chuckle.   

The talk of being exhausted worried you, though.  It wasn’t like this was easy.  You’d already seen (and participated in) countless battles with the others, and with the sun pulsing down on you all like a giant flame, it would’ve made sense if he’d had some form of heat stroke.  But...if that was the case, it made no sense that he could’ve taken that man down so effortlessly.  As Jotaro started to head off, you approached Kakyoin, putting a slightly-shaking hand to his forehead.  “You feel hot.  Maybe we should head back to the hotel for now.”  You attempted a smile.  “After all, we’ll still be here for a bit tomorrow.  We can come enjoy the scenery then.”

It was like he hadn’t heard a word you said.  Mechanically, he turned on his heels and headed towards the tree that the children had been playing around just moments earlier.  Feeling out of place, you began to follow after Jotaro, only for Anne to point out that Kakyoin wasn’t following.   

The instant you saw the beetle clenched in his jaw, you practically shoved Anne in Jotaro’s direction, blocking his view of her and steeling yourself.  Had - had that really been a beetle?  Why would he…? 

“This coconut juice is delicious.  Why don’t you try it, [y/n]?”  His eyes, so devoid of the usual life within them, shining only with what seemed to be some invisible haze as he stared at you, smile more like a sneer, he handed you his drink, following after Jotaro. 

Something in your gut screamed suspicion and the instant Kakyoin left you dumped the coconut in the nearest bin. 

When you arrived to the party, Anne was screaming, and Jotaro was nowhere to be seen.  Before the question could even rise in your throat you saw a hand clinging onto the balcony, body dangling down dangerously above a staggering drop that surely no one could survive, even if there was a lake below.  Your stand was out in a flash, helping Jotaro back up, and in the instant you did you shared a nonverbal agreement.  While Jotaro spoke with Kakyoin, you and Anne fell back, crouching to her side with your hands on her shoulders.  “Get to a phone.  Call Mr. Joestar and Avdol.  Tell them it’s urgent.”  The small girl nodded, a whole new form of fear flashing across her features. 

You didn’t stop to look back as you rushed over to the remaining two.  It was painful to watch Jotaro pack such a punch into the man you’d begun to develop feelings for, but that didn’t matter.  Both you and Jotaro knew better.  This wasn’t Kakyoin.  Not mentally, at least.   

No.  This was someone entirely different.  Something entirely different. 

Surely enough, the instant he’d recovered himself from being thrown into the cable car, he refuted, in a voice as though two people spoke through him at once, “‘Possessed’ isn’t quite right.”  Before he even mentioned it you stepped back involuntarily as you saw his head rise to the top of the car, body suddenly somehow larger than Jotaro’s.  This had to be the work of the stand. 

“Listen to me.”  You cut off whatever Jotaro was about to say, shouldering in front of him.  “Kakyoin, I don’t know what the hell is happening here.  But I do know that this - ” you gestured back to the drink vendor, then to Kakyoin’s gigantic body, “ - is not you.  I don’t know what’s going on, but you have to listen to me.  Doesn’t my voice sound familiar?  Doesn’t Jotaro’s, and Anne’s?” 

For a moment the man looked puzzled. 

“If you won’t believe in them, you can believe in me.”  You slowly approached him, hands out in front of you, stand cautiously at your side, continuing, “It’s me.  It’s [y/n].”  To your relief something like recognition snapped both his eyes and mouth open, staring wordlessly at you.  The two of you were at a standstill, both now in the small cable car.  “Nori, I know you’re somewhere in there,” you whispered, “you can fight this.  Just like you fought against Di--” and then a sharp sound, an agonizing pain ripping through your arm, and your world went black. 

When you came to, Kakyoin was gone.  Completely.  You could’ve spotted his red hair from a mile away, and it was nowhere to be found.  What you saw instead, as you slowly tried to raise yourself up, fire shooting through your arm and forcing you to let out a gasp of pain, was a shirtless man, now staring down at you, with a mass of rippling, yellow sludge draping across his neck like a cape.  Within an instant the man had you by the neck, running his fingernail absentmindedly across your throat. 

“What did you do with Kakyoin, you bastard?” you shouted, using your good shoulder to shove him against the wall of the car and giving you enough time to pull out your stand.  “What did you - ” 

Something filled your throat.  It was burning like acid, pulsating against the roof of your mouth and tongue and teeth as you doubled over, coughing, hacking into your hands only for them each to become coated in the yellow surface.  You tried to speak but the stand user had no such intentions of allowing you.  “That’s right,” he began slowly, a satisfied look growing on his face as the yellow mass began to consume you, slowly but surely, “I almost forgot about you.  I thought you were dead.”  In a bone-chilling murmur, he added, “The good ones know when to stay silent.  But no matter,” he threw his hands up.  “You’ll be dead soon either way.  And as for that?”  Suddenly you felt a sharp pull jerk you forwards, nearly slamming you into the man’s chest, taking you a moment to realize his hands weren’t on you but rather your stand, breathing irregular and body tense.  “You may as well put it away.  My stand has no weaknesses, after all.” 

“Ka...Kakyoin,” you sputtered, “what the hell did you d-do to…?”  But the yellow mess had stuck your mouth together before you could finish. 

The man paid you no attention.  Rather, he glanced at something behind you, something you couldn’t see.  “Ah, it appears your friend still doesn’t quite grasp the situation.”  Jotaro?  “My stand’s got a hold of you that you can’t escape, and you say you’ll - ” 

He wasn’t able to finish his sentence because you knew you were at an almost, if not definitive, fatal disadvantage.  You didn’t have the energy to spare to look for Jotaro, but if he was in any condition like you, there wasn’t much he could do, either.  But every stand had one weakness.  Something in common.  Something very, very simple.

Death.

Even if it meant taking yourself down with him.

You didn’t care when your hands became completely immersed in the lightning that was the yellow monster.  All you did was push. 

In what appeared to be a moment of panic he somehow increased the agony that his stand spread across you, but when the shards of glass punctured straight through his temple from the fall into the water, after your body being encased in an unbearable layer of pain from hitting the lake with such velocity, as soon as you could, you were once again able to move.  Even with an injured arm, you’d managed to break the glass of the car with his head, sending him - and consequently you - both flying to the lake down below.  There wasn’t much time left.  Only the upper portions of your head in addition to your lower body remained untouched by his sludge, and the density of it sent you sinking far lower and faster and deeper into the water than him.  But your stand managed to snag his foot, and as you sunk, he sunk with you.  Something else hit the water behind you, forcing your grip on the man to let go no matter how hard you fought back with what minimal remaining strength you had.  It was all but useless to think that the other splash was made by Kakyoin.  But you were shoved away by a hand you couldn’t quite see, pushing you up with enough force to combat the weight swallowing your body, and by some miracle when you thrashed your legs, you found your head bobbing above the water, gasping for air and nearly choking on the amount of water you’d swallowed.  Salt and blood and agony ran across your tongue - and then something vanished. 

You were able to keep yourself afloat. 

Senses slowly returning to you, you pushed off in the opposite direction, relieved at how easily and quickly you’d spotted the other side of the water.  Whatever had shoved you had done so with incredible strength.  Desperate, you just barely managed to worm your way out, onto the concrete, heaving.  It took a solid few moments for you to regain your senses.  By the time you had, you just managed to lift your head and face down whatever awaited you on the other side. 

Jotaro…? It must’ve been Star Platinum that had hit you, because, in an instant, a flurry of unrestrained purple punches flew from Jotaro onto the bloody stand user, water staining dangerously red around him as Jotaro sent him flying back, with a final hit, landing with a sickening crack on the pavement just behind you.  You wasted no time checking if the man was still alive.  For now, you had to escape.  You had to find Kakyoin. 

You struggled with only being capable of using one arm to swim.  Your chest burnt and you were all but doubled over into yourself from the land, one leg hardly capable of thrashing at all.  It was undeniable that the other was broken, just beneath the shoulder, and as the water shaded scarlet, you began to feel the weight of your injuries.  The only thing that kept you going was the beating of your heart and pressure in your soul to find Kakyoin. 

Thankfully, about halfway in, Jotaro met up with you, hauling you back out of the water with him.  He inspected you - a few glass shards dotted your hands, arms, and face, and of course the way one of your arms hung disjointedly at your side was unmistakable.  “You have to get to a doctor.” 

But before you could so much as think about Jotaro’s words, you heard your name being called, louder and louder with each passing second, and as you propped yourself up into a sloppy stance, still struggling with your balance and barely able to hold yourself upright, the sight that you’d so perilously fought for came into vision, slowing down and face straining with shock as Kakyoin took in the sight of you in. Bloodied and broken, but still beautiful, clearly unsteady and swaying dangerously from side to side, he reached out for you, careful to avoid what looked like a fractured arm and punctures of glass, pulling you softly into his arms, heart racing out of his chest.  “[Y/n]?  What happened?  Are you alright?” 

“I’ll...I’m gonna be okay,” you sputtered, falling limp against him, grateful for the support.  “Just glad you’re okay.”  After a moment of silence, still fighting for air, you asked almost hopelessly, voice cracking, “You’re okay, right?  Please just...be okay.” 

He had absolutely no idea what you were talking about, but as his eyebrows furrowed in even more concern as he vaguely spotted Jotaro approaching the two of you, he nodded, completely uncertain, placing his best attempt at a reassuring kiss on your forehead.  “Yes.  Yes, I’m alright, of course I am.”  His fear-stricken face said otherwise, but physically, he was fine, much to your relief.

“We have to get her bandaged up,” Jotaro interjected.  “She’s gotta get to a hospital; the old man - probably everyone - won’t know what to do with her.”   Kakyoin sent him a silent glance, but it was one he’d seen before, only cast when Kakyoin was with you.  The black-haired teen took his leave to the phone where Anne stood, petrified, to call for an ambulance.  

Kakyoin held you close for a few more moments, silent, one arm around your waist and the other cupping your predominantly non-injured cheek, trying to calm himself and quell his fears - both for Jotaro and himself, but mostly for you - as he felt you against him.  When he pulled away, you thankfully seemed to be back on your feet, at least as much as could be expected.  He didn’t mind for a second that you still leaned against him, good arm clutching his tightly.

You coughed, still feeling the pain down your throat even though its origin had long since gone.  Kakyoin put something in your hand.  One of the coconut drinks you’d been planning on trying earlier. 

“It’s not much, but you should have it,” he urged, offering as reassuring of a smile as he could.  “I was surprised at how good they are.  Oh, and those cherries are delicious.” 

As you downed the drink slowly, still out of breath, Kakyoin taking you in his arms once more for support, you nodded, the first genuine smile of the day spreading across your lips as you managed to fall back into some sort of normalcy, or at least the ability to properly hold your own.  There was nothing but the cherry left, and you presented the coconut back to him.  “Here.  You can have it.” 

“As tempting as that is, it’s all yours, [y/n].”

[whumpiary]

Continued from here

content warning: misplaced anger, arguments between loved ones, general insensitivity around trauma, discussed forgiveness or excusing of past abuse, briefly mentioned abusive relationship/returning to abuser, mentioned mind control and crude language used to describe it

-

By the time they’ve all settled at the kitchen table, they've managed to get Cass positioned on the couch with a blanket draped over him and a bucket down on the ground beside him in case he woke up with the world spinning.

Lou sits with her hands curled around her mug, feet tucked under herself like a cat. Josiah sits across on the other side, frowning squarely at the succulent positioned at the center of the table. And Mal sits between them like a damn couple’s counsellor.

Not that he’s feeling bitter about it.

He holds back the joke about the round table.

Lou clears her throat. Josiah’s hand twitches. Mal looks between them and holds the balance like the fulcrum on a set of scales.

Sitting tense like this, Lou and Josiah could almost pass for siblings. Not in looks, perhaps, but in manner. Both faces fixed with don't-give-a-fuck-irritation, both trying to find things for their hands to do before they curl into fists on automation. Both failing. Each have a way of holding their shoulders like they're caught halfway between a shrug. Mal wonders who taught who that particular way of being pissed off or if they both, over time, bashed the same shields out of sheet metal, side by side.

Maybe they were just always destined to meet each other in some gym on a Wednesday afternoon. Mal doesn’t mind the thought of destiny most days of the week. And on this one, with a long lost, very lost, friend stumbling back in through the door…

"How long has he been here, Jos?" Lou asks, voice soft and low. Josiah looks away from her straight away, arms crossed, already on the defensive. "No lies this time. Just tell me."

The long, stretching silence is heavy enough that Mal thinks for a second that maybe that Josiah's already shut down and unplugged. That they’ve already lost him. No room for conversation beyond a few grunts and a shrug. But Lou waits, and she watches. She times her breaths with the patience of someone planning to outlast.

Josiah shrugs and shifts in his seat, eyes locked at some place on the carpet. “Since Tuesday.”

Mal can’t tell if the sharp intake of breath from Lou as she closes her eyes is to stop herself from screaming or from shutting down all together. She stays like that for nearly half a minute, and Mal watches her face for clues.

When she opens her eyes she’s looking at the wood of the table, jaw clenched, fingers white-knuckled around her mug, determinedly focused on staying calm.

“Jesus, so… Five days. He’s been here five days.” She rubs her hand over her face, across the fuzz of her hair. “And why, uh… Why didn’t you tell me? Tell anyone?”

Josiah shrugs again. "I had it handled."

Lou actually laughs. A dangerous, broken glass against glass kind of sound. "Oh, I would love to know what part of having a mind controlling drug addict with a death wish sleeping on your couch you think you had handled."

Mal looks up at her with a tilt of his head and in an instant she’s scowling like a kid being scolded. She mutters something in the vague vicinity of an apology. She presses the heel of her hand to the side of her head like she's ironing out the thoughts in there. Lets out a long exhale. Barely concealed grief. Fear.

“Look, I'm not trying to be an asshole, Jos but this was stupid,” she says, after a minute or so. “This was really stupid. Cass is dangerous and you know that. He is manipulative and out of control and-”

"He was passed out most of the time, it was fine.”

“Yeah but a single word and it could have just as easily not been fine.”

Josiah just looks at her with dead eyes and shrugs. Lou searches his face, exasperated. She splays her hands wide, shrugs. "What if he had've made you go back again?"

"He didn't, though."

"But what if he had?"

“But he didn’t.”

Lou, to her credit, doesn’t launch across the table to hit him across the jaw like Mal half-expects her to. Instead, she buries her face in her hands, squeezes her eyes shut, swallows about three times before speaking.

"Jos, the last time Cass showed up out of the blue needing help, I lost you for three weeks-"

"Two weeks."

"Three," she says, voice hard. Then she tilts her head back, eyes skirting across the back wall like she's solving a math problem, expression just on the brink of cruel. "Actually, it was bang-on 22 days. Wanna take a stab at how I remember?"

Josiah just slams his jaw shut and turns his head away. The tendon in his jaw jumps, muscles of his neck taught against the jugular.

Mal closes his eyes for the barest of moments. He can still hear the sound of the empty blister pack hitting the rubbish bin. The dry, dead laugh that came along with the gonna have to find another way to tally it, huh?

Lou leans forward on the table with a look of challenge on her face and Mal straightens automatically. He can feel old habits bristling in himself, already flicking back to sit on protective defense before the first swing even comes.

He hates playing umpire. He hates that she’s asked him to do this. But it’s fine. It’s a part of figuring this mess out. They’ll be fine in a minute.

Lou clears her throat.

“Okay, so let’s assume for a second that Cass isn’t about to screw you over and sell you off to the highest bidder– ” she ignores Josiah’s scoff. “– Let’s be generous and assume the fucker’s at least a little repentant. Where has he been, then?”

Josiah looks pointedly away, arms shifting to cross over his chest again but there’s otherwise no response. Lou doesn’t shift, though her tongue flicks out to wet her lips like loading a bullet in a gun. “He’s been gone for fourteen goddamn months and then he turns up unannounced on your doorstep. The story better be pretty damn impressive.”

There’s no response.

Lou shrugs like it doesn’t matter. "Okay, so he hasn’t told you where he’s been. Fine. Has he told you why he’s come back?"

No response. Mal opens his mouth to speak but thinks otherwise and clicks his jaw shut again.

Lou barrels on. “Do you know if he’s running from someone?”

No response.

“In danger of something?

No response.

“Do you know if you are in danger of something?”

Nothing.

“Have you even fucking asked?” Her voice shakes, breath shuddering, but she’s so furious it barely seems to register.

Josiah doesn’t look at her, gaze fixed on the carpet with his own brand of burning rage. “The second I ask him that shit he’s gonna bolt and you know it.”

“Good riddance, then.”

“No, not good riddance,” Josiah shoots back. There’s a twisted sort of urgency to the way he says it that Mal’s not even sure he’s seen before on Jos. “I’m not having Cass drop dead on the end of the street because I scare him off instead of helping. He’ll tell me when he’s ready.”

“Bullshit he will.”

“What would you have done, Lou? He showed up sick and scared halfway to hell-”

“The last time he showed up sick and scared halfway to hell he was lying through his fucking teeth,” she spits. “I would have let him rot.”

The room is still and deathly quiet. Lou stays laser-focused on the man across the table from her, eyes burning. Mal can track her heartbeat by the pulsing of the pendant around her neck.

“Do you want to go back there, Josiah? Do you want to go back to Ellie?”

The tendon at the back of Josiah’s hand jumps as his fist tightens but he doesn’t respond.

“You couldn’t speak to us for a month, Josiah. You couldn’t shower, you couldn’t eat. Do you even remember that?”

“He got me out of that place. Not you.” Josiah spits with deadly precision, looking up at her. “That’s what I remember.”

Lou sits back. Bullet to the chest. She scoffs but Mal watches the ice around her glint as the words bite and cut through, needle under her skin and sit there, ready to rot. Her chest jerks in a silent hiccup, the hollow echo of what should’ve been a sob but can’t be. Not right now.

She laughs instead. Bitter, twisted, and full of grief. She crosses her arms across her chest and slouches back, looking Josiah up and down. “Oh man, I am so glad I wasted a year of my life helping you recover from everything that asshole did to you now that I know you were just gonna throw it away the second he walked back through the goddamn door.”

Josiah’s eyes slam shut. Mal makes eye contact with his wife across the table. “Harsh, Lou.”

“No it’s not, if he's not gonna give half a shit about himself, why the fuck did we even bother?”

He tries to reach for her hand. To ground her, calm her down. “Love, come on, you’re not being fair.”

“No, fuck off,” she tugs her hand away violently, tears dangerously close to falling. If Lou had been small on the porch swing not twenty minutes before she looks like a giant now. “Fuck right off. What’s not fair, is that piece of shit turning up out of nowhere and expecting us to take him back. What’s not fair is what he did.”

It’s hard, with someone halfway standing from fury, not to cower like a kicked dog. Mal tries to catch Josiah’s eye, to let him know he still has an ally but the man’s eyes are closed, shoulders knitted up and tense under the onslaught. Mal lets out a loud exhale. Lou burns on.

“And you know what else isn’t fair, Jos? Finding out five days after the fact that my best friend’s kidnapper just turned back up on his front step.”

“He’s not my kidnapper.”

“I’m sorry, what would you to prefer me to call him, Josiah? Mental rapist?”

Mal snaps his eyes to her, rocks forward in his chair. “Alright, line found, Lou. Take a walk.”

“Excuse me?”

“You asked me to call you out if you crossed a line. That’s what I’m doing,” he says, voice quiet and firm. “Get out. Go for a walk. You need to cool off.”

“No fucking w-”

“Love,” he says, reaching for her hand. “Who is this helping?”

She holds his gaze for a minute, her eyes flicking between his, ready for fire, ready for fight. Mal holds his own, squeezes her hand, hopes to God she’s listening. And then all at once she folds.

She takes a minute. She sucks in a sharp intake of breath, one hand over her own face. Squeezes her eyes shut. Takes a breath. Shakes her head. Takes another breath. In for six, hold for four-

“He might’ve gotten you out of there Jos, but he sent you in first,” she mutters, voice low and quick as though to get it out before being cut off “You might have selective memory around that particular sequence of events but I sure as fuck don’t.”

Lou pushes back from the table all at once and rushes out the front door before anyone can stop her or grab her or make a move as though to comfort, as though the decision to leave had been he own. A dramatic exit, not a necessary intervention.

Mal watches her go, takes note of the curling of Josiah’s shoulders as the door slams shut behind her.

Mal slumps back in his chair with a heavy exhale. He refrains from the urge to just sag forward, exhausted and empty after holding the tightrope tight. He hasn’t felt this drained this quickly in a long, long time.

Two hours ago he was halfway through brunch at Now he had a wife stuck in fight mode, a friend on the brink of shutting down completely, and a relative stranger withdrawing from something he wouldn’t even admit to taking. Something was telling him he was gonna need a little more time off than the convenient long weekend.

He looks to Josiah across the way. The man looks unmoored, wounded, hollowed out. Which, to be honest, was miles and miles of fair enough.

“You alright?” Mal asks softly, after the silence stretches too thin. He almost doesn’t really expect a response but Josiah’s shaking his head almost as soon as the question’s asked, face locked in a frown, eyes still staring off into the middle distance.

“I’m the one it happened to,” he murmurs, after a beat. “That’s what she always says. I’m the one it happened to.”

Mal opens his mouth. Shuts it. Opens it again. Makes a few clicks with his tongue. Sighs. He pushes his hair back from his face.

“Yeah, but… you weren’t the only one it happened to,” he says eventually. It’s an awkward way to put it but it’s what he’s got. He watches Josiah’s face carefully. Watches the “Do you know what I mean by that?”

“She wasn’t even there.”

“Mate…”

Josiah looks up at him finally and as soon as he sees the grief and understanding sitting behind the other man’s eyes, Mal exhales.

Talking to Josiah could feel like talking to a wall that kept spitting bricks back at you for every new one laid down but eventually – by the end of the hour or the end of the week or the end of a very, very long year – he’d give you a look like that and without a word confirm that he’s listening, he’s learning, he understands. He’s getting there.

“Yeah,” Josiah says as he looks away, his voice a low rumble. “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

The other man closes his eyes and seems to deflate, one arm curled around his middle the other hand pressing on the back of his neck, head resting on his forearm. He looks, now Mal’s paying attention, exactly like someone who’s been solo nursing their ex-loved-one-come-kidnapper back to health for five days straight.

“What do I do, Mal?” he murmurs without opening his eyes. “I’m trying but... I don’t know what the fuck I’m meant to do.”

Mal sits back and looks the other man over, grief tugging at him but a kind of pride too. Josiah’s changed in the last year. He looks stronger now, is stronger now, but softer as well. Mal can’t imagine a question like that coming from him even six months ago.

He sighs and looks to the figure on the couch, halfway hidden with blankets, then at the frosted glass pane of the front door, then back to the man beside him. He shrugs. “Have you slept?”

“Some,” Josiah shrugs. “Not much.”

“Why don’t we start there?” Mal offers. He nods to the couch. “I’ll keep an eye on this one. And try and talk to Lou.”

Josiah looks, for a moment, like he wants to argue, but then the exhaustion seems to hit him all at once and he nods, sitting back. “Will you come get me when he wakes up?”

“If he needs you. Yeah.”

Josiah sucks a breath in and shakes his head, already starting to tangle himself backward. “No. No, he’ll get stressed if I’m not here. He gets, um... nervous. Paranoid-”

“Jos, if he needs you, I’ll wake you,” Mal repeats, gently. He taps his fingers on the table, to get Josiah’s attention, holds his gaze once he’s got it. “You can’t help him if you don’t get rest.”

The other man looks like he might break in two, eyes fogged, half-way drifting already. His eyes shift to Cass and then to Mal and then back to Cass with a hollow kind of longing. But slowly he lets out a shaky exhale. Nods again.

“You’ll come get me,” he echoes. “Okay. Yeah, okay.”

He stands, wavering just a little on his feet, and makes his way down the hallway. He squeezes Mal’s shoulder on the way past briefly and the blond man smiles a little. A silent thank you, a silent apology, a million other silent things that don’t have words to be said right now. It means the world and a half, if he’s being honest. And then Jos is gone.

The house, in the wake of things far too close to violence, feels viciously silent. The clock ticks. The rain starts up again. And for now, Mal sits in it alone.

[gaiatheorist]

“50% Feminine.”

I’m going mad again, I’m listing probable reasons, but going mad isn’t reasonable, it’s something that just happens to me from time to time. This is one of the slow, creepy-uppy episodes, not one of the sudden, explosive ones, possibly less dangerous, but incredibly draining. It’ll pass, it always does, it had better do, it’s bloody horrible.

Standard disclaimer, I am at increased risk of harm, but I have no intent or ideation of deliberately harming myself, apart from drinking too much cheap-and-nasty wine, which is my standard maladaptive coping mechanism.

I woke up at 1.30am, and, after a brief discussion with my wonky brain, acknowledged that I was Awake-awake, and there was no chance of going back to sleep. This will have a knock-on effect for a few days, there’s a fair chance I’ll fall asleep in my dinner, but it’s mostly containable. (The madness, as well as the dinner.) Scrolling through Twitter, to see if I’d ‘missed anything’, I found a link to ‘My Gender Coordinates’, and decided to take the quiz, no better or worse use of my time than a Fakebook quiz to tell me what sort of sandwich, or shoe I am.

There are 35 questions, I can’t remember exactly how they’re worded, but it’s along the lines of “I am...” or “I consider myself...” about various character traits, or behaviours, you ‘answer’ on a sliding scale from double-thumbs-up to double-thumbs-down. There’s a ‘middle’ option, which, when I’m going mad, is always a bit tempting, I’m indifferent, I don’t care much about much when I’m in this state.(Until I do, and get all emotionally peaky, HATING an empty shampoo bottle on the bathroom floor, but refusing to move it, because it’s not mine, or finding myself close to tears because I think I’ve offended someone, and not quite knowing how to check.) 

The ‘results’ come out on a quadrant-graph thingy, Masculine/Androgynous/Undifferentiated/Feminine, I deliberately didn’t look at that first, because I would have skewed my answers, aiming for ‘undifferentiated’, I’m awkward like that. My results were that I ‘fall between quadrants’, no big surprise there, my dot was bang on the line between ‘masculine’ and ‘androgynous’, all in the top half of the square, ‘68.3% Masculine, 50% Feminine’, I don’t know how that works, it’s numbers, and maths and stuff, and my brain doesn’t work like that. (Haha, because I’m a girl, and girls are better at biology than physics. Bullshit.) 

What does it mean? In all likelihood, nothing, it does look kind-of scientific, which is why I answered all of the questions, instead of giving up at the first hint of a cartoon dinosaur, or a ‘pick which colour-scheme appeals to you’. (Cartoon dinosaurs are my new pet hate, I’ve recently had to wade back through the clip-art infested worksheets from the last mental health course, and I’m fairly certain I’ve imagined a cartoon dinosaur, but that’s a tangent I’ll try to avoid.) I have strong opinions on the concept of gender, for however-many years I’ve been writing on here, I’ve identified as ‘meat no-one eats’, my biological sex is female, and my uterus is certainly reminding me of that fact this week. My gender? Human. Probably. 

“Identified as”, how very modern, it’s not ‘really’ a new thing, to me, or the world, what I’m trying to do here is type out a safe-release, to vent, I suppose it all boils down to my resentment of being ‘told’. There are vague childhood memories of being told “Ladies do/don’t do...”, and I have a ridiculous rage-bubble of “Yes, and sloths poo once a week, what’s your point?”, too late one thinks of what one might have said. I’m no more a lady than I am a sloth, I’m probably leaning more towards sloth at the moment, I’m overdue a bath.

Working through the statement-ratings, I noticed I was pulling a face at some of them. All of them, to be honest, which surprised me, because, with a diagnosis of autism, there’s the preconception that my response would be binary-linear, black-or-white, always/never. It wasn’t, my response was invariably “That’s a stupid question.”, and they weren’t questions, for every single statement, I decided “Unable to answer without context.”, and had to imagine a scenario to contextualise “I am generous” or “I am decisive”, or whatever. ( I *am* decisive, given sufficient context.) I need to watch that I don’t fall into a psychopath/sociopath rabbit-hole here, my sometimes-linear approach could be viewed as psychopathic, and my bending/masking could fit a sociopathic profile. Too many personality quizzes in my teen-girl magazines, and an on-going desire to name and categorize things.

I was pulling a face at the statements that are usually associated with the concept of femininity, there really isn’t a male-brain/female-brain. (All brains smell horrible, I have smelled my own brain, wasn’t pleasant.) There are some biological differences, most notably the reproductive bits, but not really a great deal else, the ex used to say that humans were evolving to be more androgynous, but I see now that he was trying to justify the societally-imposed feelings of inadequacy that I was as tall as him, with more body-hair. He ascribed to the concept of androgyny when it suited him, lauding Bowie in public, and insisting I was ‘better’ at housework in private. A product of his upbringing, but deeply coercive-toxic. He enjoyed my androgynous-atypical nature up to a point, I was a trophy in more ways than just my long legs and pretty mouth, I confused the hell out of his ‘traditional’ family, though. 

The statements that made me screw up my face could have been coloured pink, they were the ones that ‘ladies do’, some, I consciously, deliberately-don’t, and some are just a natural hard-no, nature vs nurture in evidence. I have learned behaviours, and innate, natural tendencies, there was a bit of a domestic issue the other day when I noted my son being manipulative, and destroyed-devastated myself wondering if he’d learned-observed that from me.  I don’t think so, my avoidance-behaviours are quite different. I was pulling faces at the stereotypical ‘female’ traits, initially an “Ew, no, I don’t do that!” response, but, as I realised I was doing it, I wondered WHY I was repulsed. There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with being kind/sensitive/compassionate, they’re human responses, not ‘masculine’ or ‘feminine’, but even the quiz itself refers to them as  “Traits commonly found in people of the ... gender.” (Androgynous is referred to as high in male- and female-typical traits, undifferentiated as low in both.) Commonly, not exclusively.

Part of the issue is that I associate femininity with vulnerability and weakness. I choose not to ‘present as’ female most of the time, my sex usually isn’t obvious until people get close, and I don’t let many people get that close. (Even before the virus-distancing.) There are ‘historical and complicating factors’ behind some of that, but there’s also the gender-conditioning I grew up with, girls-should, and boys-should, I didn’t have particularly positive experiences or role-models, but, even aside from that, the general concensus was that male was stronger, better, more important, female was secondary and subservient. To do something ‘like a girl’ was an insult, but, by the same token, I was often criticised for not being ‘girly’, ever the outlier. I’m wondering how much of the non-femininity is reactive-protective, how much could be part of the autism, and how much is just ‘how I am’? 

Girly-females irritate me, vacuous conversations, hair-and-make-up, dependence on others, incessant diets and fads, I don’t ‘get’ any of it, and I don’t buy into it, I don’t see why I should, just because my genitals are in the more difficult-to-kick arrangement. (True to form, my son has more make-up and hair-stuff than I do, I can’t remember how he referred to my presentation a few weeks ago, but it might have involved goblins, and a bin.) Occasionally, people tell me I could be attractive if I made an effort, my go-to response is “What for?”, I do generally look as if I live in a tree, it doesn’t bother me. That’s not wholly a girl-thing or a boy-thing, I do know some very well-presented people of both flavours, but I’ve genuinely never overheard a group of men discussing razor-blades or underpants the way I’ve heard gaggles of women banging on about make-up and such. 

Women who talk in baby-voices, women who giggle and simper around men, women who don’t even try to pick things up themselves, I think what I’m saying is that I don’t like women who ‘act as’ women, and it is an act, my mother’s phone-laugh used to make me want to scream. 

Before I became annoyed at myself for placing more value on the traits more commonly associated with masculinity than femininity, I’d had a mini-argument with myself that it was impossible to rate any of the statements objectively. Am I kind? It depends on the situation, last week I helped a little old lady sort out a mis-delivered parcel, but the week before that, I’d sped up my walking pace, so I could get into the corner shop before the person behind me, it might have been the same little old lady, I wasn’t paying attention. I’d viewed the thumbs-rating as a never-always continuum, so, technically, all of the responses ‘should’ have been middle-option, for ‘sometimes’. (There might have been an explanation in the site somewhere, it was daft o’clock in the morning.) For each behaviour, I was thinking of a situation, which was wrong, I think I should have been rating least-likely to most-likely. The situation has an influence on the behaviour, if I had friends, I’d behave differently with them to the way I’d behave with a doctor, or a manager, or my son, and even that behaviour would depend on multiple external factors, it wouldn’t be static-consistent, it would be dynamic. We all do it, we’re socially conditioned to behave according to audience and environment.

I didn’t go to finishing school, I didn’t even go to university, there were no elocution or deportment classes at my rough-as-arseholes comprehensive school, and most of my childhood meals at home were eaten from a plate on my knee, on the sofa, in front of the TV. There were still expectations, though. Standing up if a teacher came into the classroom, not interrupting an adult speaking, letting elderly or otherwise infirm people on the bus first. I don’t remember my brother being given as many instructions as I was, though, and I think that was more to do with me being a girl than being two and a half years older, he did pretty much as he pleased, and was a ‘rascal’, or a ‘scamp’, whereas I was told to sit down (nicely), be quiet, smile, be helpful etc long before the wear a bra, brush your hair, show a bit of leg nonsense started. 

I’m fairly certain that the gender-specific conditioning is part of the reason my autism wasn’t diagnosed until I was 42. I’d had expectations drummed, and sometimes beaten into me all my life, everything was already an act, a performance, so I just assumed everyone else was ‘faking it’ all the time, over-riding gut-instinct on everything, and acting according to these confusing social scripts. The “What for?” streak in me is problematic for other people, I’m viewed as difficult, challenging, sometimes plain rude, and overly bold ‘for a woman’. I don’t speak much, but, when I do, I make it count, I’m tenacious and determined, and, most of the time, completely exhausted trying to remember and correctly apply rules and boundaries, scripts I don’t understand the reasoning behind, and constantly-consistently assess environments and audiences, to avoid ‘getting it wrong’. 

I am blunt at times. I can be articulate and eloquent, but sometimes a situation demands just-enough information to convey the salient point. I don’t tend to ‘waste words’, and am frustrated when people fanny about with “Does that make sense?” and “This might sound silly, but...” Anecdotally, I hear that from women more than men, we’re discouraged from being too much to-the-point, to go the long way around things, instead of straight at them, and to check for reassurance. I speak ‘like a man’, it’s more efficient. (”Does everyone understand what they are to do?” was my preferred meeting-closing-statement, I’m brutal.) 

I sometimes see the reverse-of-me in my son, he isn’t the least bit blunt or brutal most of the time. (He did shout “Stop it!” at me quite forcefully one day last week when I was having a meltdown after getting bin-juice on my face. He saves his command-voice for emergencies.) He ties himself in knots about communicating with people, and avoids most conversation, although he’ll babble incessantly to himself to process thoughts and ideas. (I have sores inside my ears that won’t heal, because I keep putting my earphones in to drown out his waffling about D&D plots and such.) He’s nervous-anxious where I’m bold, he’s scared of a million things that I’m not in the least bit concerned by, but then, I am an idiot. Biological sex is not gender, but neither of us are really binary-gendered. (I’m not going to suggest he does the quiz, he’s so incredibly indecisive it would melt his brain.) I never conditioned him ‘male’, he’s always just been another human to me, but he has had conflicting messages from his Dad’s side of the family, boys-don’t-cry, come-and-kick-this-ball, look-at-the-tits-on-that, and the girly-girl aunts and cousins. Confusing times, but he has referred to himself as a pan-sexual trans-humanist, and I don’t really know what that is. (He hasn’t asked me to use different pronouns, or a different name, so he’s still ‘him’.) 

I’m rambling. I’ve been pecking away at this for hours, but I do feel a little more settled for doing it. I didn’t go off on as many ranty tangents as I thought I might, which is reassuring, this episode of going mad has been mostly-irritable, and I don’t like it. Catch-22, there, as a female, I’m ‘supposed to’ be all pink and fluffy, and nice, but the lazy stereotype of a woman can also be a nagging old harridan, I’m straddling that line as well as the line between quadrants on the quiz. I bet you 10p that if I did the quiz again, I’d be able to skew the answers to place the dot dead-centre in the grid, but I might blow up the internet if I did that, and imagine the mess that would make.          

[luthienebonyx]

16 for the prompt meme?

16: A Doomed Kiss

This was supposed to be a ficlet but it is NOT a ficlet, because apparently I’m not capable of those - or at least I’m not capable of them right now, anyway.

This first part is a prologue. Part II, complete with doom and kiss, should be along in a day or so.

A Doom Unescaped - Part I

They probably wouldn't have noticed the tent if Addam hadn't staggered out of the Gravitron and been noisily sick all over Jaime's trainers. Dragging Addam out of the way of the people queueing for their turn on the ride, Jaime had kept going until the two of them were around the corner, where he found a patch of grass that he could wipe his shoes - rather futilely - on. Beside him, Addam sank to the ground and sat with his head between his knees, taking great heaving breaths.

The day was not turning out quite as Jaime had anticipated. He'd turned thirteen the previous week, and somehow - he still didn't quite know exactly how - he'd managed to persuade his father that this meant he was old enough to attend the annual Lannisport agricultural show and fun fair without adult supervision. Tywin Lannister's only conditions had been to 'take your cousin with you, and don't do anything stupid!' Neither of these had seemed like particularly difficult requirements at the time. But that was before he and Addam had used some of Jaime's birthday money from Aunt Genna to eat their way through every food stand they could find, and then gone in search of the rides. That had been a mistake. Or, at least, those last four corn hounds on sticks that Addam had eaten had been a mistake. And the lemon cakes that he followed them up with probably hadn't helped either.

"Urk, I need something to drink," Addam said, when he finally raised his head.

"Just still water," Jaime said firmly. He didn't want to imagine the likely outcome, let alone be within range, if Addam tried drinking anything fizzy right now. He hauled Addam to his feet, and they wandered down to the drinks stand in the midst of the sideshows. Jaime bought two bottles of water; one for Addam to drink, the other for Jaime to use with a paper napkin to try to get the worst of the stink off his shoes. He didn't really have much success, but at least he got rid of the remaining chunks.

He chucked the now bright yellow napkin and the rest of the water into the bin next to the stall with the row of laughing jesters' heads, their open ceramic mouths rotating back and forth as they waited to be fed the balls that might or might not result in a prize. Jaime had a sudden mental picture of the jester heads spewing the balls back up. He shuddered inside, turned away - and spotted the tent, lurking right at the end of the row of sideshows. 

It seemed like a strange sort of thing to be grouped with the jesters and Tully's magnetic fish pond and the wildling hi striker. Unlike most tents Jaime had ever seen, it was made out of what looked like silk rather than canvas, and its walls were the same deep crimson as the field on the Lannister coat of arms. The tent was covered in gold stars both large and small. Gold, like the Lannister lion. There was a sign above the door that said, in extravagantly curly writing: "Madame Maggy, Your Fortune For a Price."

Maybe it was the Lannister colours of the tent that drew Jaime's curiosity, or maybe it was simply how out of place it looked. It was tacky, yes, but tacky in a completely different way from the attractions that surrounded it. Whatever the reason, Jaime went to have a closer look, with Addam tagging along behind, complaining that fortune tellers were boring girly shit, and that they should try out the Kraken next.

"You go on the Kraken," he told Addam, digging in the pocket of his jeans for some silver stags and stuffing them into his cousin's hands. "I'll catch up with you in a few minutes, and then you can go on it again with me." Apart from anything else, it wouldn't hurt if Addam emptied whatever might be left in his stomach when Jaime was nowhere nearby.

Addam didn't need to be told twice. "See you in a few!" he yelled over his shoulder as he raced off in the direction of the Kraken, whose great metal tentacles could be seen swooping above the people queueing next to the entrance gate.

There was no queue outside Madame Maggy's tent. There wasn't a single other person waiting, so Jaime ducked in through the opening in the silk that served as a doorway and called, "Hello? Is there anybody here?"

"Good day, young man," said a voice so weirdly croaky that Jaime couldn't tell if the speaker was a man or a woman. He was standing in an outer room of some sort, but there was no sign of anyone else. There were a couple of chairs by the wall that must have been set there by some optimistic person who expected that there would be at least two people waiting their turn at some point today.

Long strings of multi-coloured crystal beads and little gold bells hung in the interior doorway on the other side of the room. They clinked and jangled as Jaime pushed them aside and entered the tent's main room.

The inside of Madame Maggy's tent was swathed in long bolts of black and yellow fabric, alternating with others in green and silver. A heavily scuffed carpet in a murky shade of green covered the floor. Overall, it wasn't very Lannister-ish, so it didn't call to him the way the outside of the tent had, but he didn't spend much time thinking about that because right then he noticed the person sitting at the small round table in the corner. Even looking right at them, Jaime couldn't tell whether they were a man or a woman. He was barely certain that they were a living person. They were covered from head to - presumably - toe in voluminous black robes, and their face was yellow, like the faded pages of an old book, or one of the dummies in the waxwork museum he'd visited the last time he'd gone to King's Landing. There was also a huge, horrible wart with a long black hair growing out of it right in the middle of one wrinkly cheek.

"I am Madame Maggy," the person - well, probably woman - said in a raspy sort of voice, and cackled. 

Jaime had never heard anyone cackle before, but he knew one when he heard one. He watched, fascinated, as she took a set of false teeth from a very ordinary looking glass of water on the table beside her and pushed them into her mouth. He'd only ever heard about toothless crones in the stories that Tyrion's nanny sometimes told, but he knew one of those when he saw one, too.

"Come. Sit," Madame Maggy commanded, indicating the rickety wooden chair opposite her with an imperious wave of her hand - though it was so gnarled and bent that it looked more like a claw. Her words sounded a lot clearer now that she had teeth in her mouth, at least.

A Lannister never does anything just because someone tells him to - unless that someone is me. Jaime heard his father's voice, as clearly as if he'd been standing right next to him, and stayed where he was.

"Well? Are you going to just stand there? Why else did you come in here if not to have your fortune told?"

It was a good point, and anyway, Jaime had never been very good at doing what his father told him. He went, and sat.

The crone held out a claw. "It is customary for one seeking his fortune to cross my palm with silver, but I think the price for a Lannister must be gold."

Jaime didn't ask how she knew who he was. She was a fortune teller after all. Even so, he didn't like the thought of being cheated, and yet he'd given all his silver stags to Addam. All he had left in his pocket were gold dragons and a few copper stars and pennies. Clearly, Madame Maggy somehow knew that, too.

"Okay." Jaime reached into his pocket and pulled out a small handful of dragons. He placed them one by one on her upturned hand. It wasn't a large hand, but still, for seven gold dragons his future had better be filled to the brim with good fortune.

Madame Maggy's talons closed shut as swiftly as the jaws of a steel trap, and only the jingle of the coins as she secreted them in some hidden pocket of her robes proved that they'd ever been there at all. She turned and took a shallow bowl from the shelf behind her. Setting it down in the middle of the table, she filled it with water from the jug sitting beside the glass that had held her false teeth. Jaime hoped that none of the water in the jug had ever been anywhere near those teeth.

"Your hand, young Mr Lannister."

Jaime was feeling more and more that this hadn't been a good idea, but it was too late now. He firmed his lips, determined, and held out his hand. Madame Maggy took it between her own, paper dry ones. She was wearing a number of rings on her left hand, he saw now, silver rings sporting huge, mysterious stones so dark that in the dim light of the tent they appeared black.

Madame Maggy ran a fingernail down the centre of Jaime's palm, and he shivered, as if he'd just felt a knife between his shoulder blades. 

The old woman lifted her hand and jabbed her pointed fingernail right into the centre of his palm.

"Ow!" Jaime yelled, and pulled his hand back.

"Hold your hand over the bowl," Madame Maggy instructed, "and let a few drops of your blood flow from your veins into the water. Then we shall see what it has to tell us."

Jaime should have left. He knew it. It was the wise thing to do. But no one had ever accused him of being wise. He held his hand over the bowl, watching as his blood welled from the small wound and dropped into the water once, twice, and then again.

Madame Maggy pulled out a small plastic strip from somewhere.

"Look," she said, waving a hand above the bowl with a flourish while Jaime pressed the plaster to his still-bleeding palm.

Jaime looked. He expected to see a few small red splotches in the water, but instead the drops of blood had turned into swirls that looked almost like bright red snakes.

Madame Maggy tapped her finger - the same finger that she'd attacked him with - against the side of the bowl. The water swirled gently, and the snakes did too, slowly chasing each other around the bowl.

"You will travel," she said.

Well, that was disappointing. Jaime could have told her that himself for free. He'd already been to almost all of the Seven Kingdoms, and to Essos twice.

She tapped the side of the bowl again, twice this time. The snakes started moving a bit faster.

"And you will rise, so very high, and you will shine, golden lion of Lannister, as brightly as your house sigil, before one you trust implicitly betrays you, and you fall."

Jaime felt suddenly cold. "Are you saying someone's going to kill me someday?" he demanded.

The old woman looked at him unblinkingly, and tapped the side of the bowl three times in quick succession. She stared down at the snakes, which were moving rapidly now, seeming to twist and writhe in the water. "In the Riverlands you will meet your doom."

"So someone's going to kill me in the Riverlands?" Jaime felt sick to the stomach. He wondered what would happen if he threw up on the table and all over that bowl. If three drops of blood could do this, what could a stomachful of vomit achieve? Maybe at the very least it could stop the evil old crone's prediction from coming true.

The old woman didn't answer, but instead reached out and tapped the side of the bowl four times. As Jaime watched, the water turned completely red - the colour of his blood - and then black, and finally clear again. It looked just like it had when Madame Maggy had first poured the water from the jug. She picked up the bowl and emptied it into a bucket on the floor next to her chair.

"The waters have revealed no more," she said. "Good day, young Mr Lannister."

"What?" Jaime said. "That's it? You can't leave it there. Here, I'll give you more gold." He was already reaching into his pocket for some more dragons but the old woman shook her head.

"The waters show what they will, and only once. There is no changing it, and no explaining it. You may only learn the future in full by living it."

"Or dying in it," Jaime muttered. He got to his feet, and glowered down at her in what he hoped was a good imitation of Tywin Lannister at his most dangerous. Then, without another word, he turned and left, pushing the stupid crystals and bells out of the way as he went. 

He emerged blinking into the sunlight, still feeling like he wanted to be sick. He wished he'd never come here. He wished she'd never come here. He could do something about that, he realised - about Madame Maggy being here in the future, anyway. The fair was on Lannister land and, well, a Lannister always paid his debts, didn't he?

He didn't look back as he moved quickly past the sideshows, and didn't stop, or even look to right or left, until he found Addam waiting for him near the front of the queue for the Kraken.

"You got here just in time!" Addam said.

"How was it?" Jaime asked.

"Brilliant! I can't wait to go again."

"Did you throw up afterwards?" 

"What? No! Well, not much," Addam admitted. "I don't think there's anything left now."

"Good," Jaime said. 

"How was the fortune teller? Are you going to meet a tall stranger in the future who's going to sweep you off your feet?" Addam asked, fluttering his eyelashes at Jaime.

Jaime punched him in the shoulder. Not really that hard but:

"Oww!" Addam complained.

"No strangers. Someone I know is going to betray me, after I travel and… rise and shine?" 

"Sounds like too many early mornings to me."

Jaime ignored that. "And I'm going to be killed in the Riverlands."

Addam stared at him. "Wow," he said. "That's much cooler than I was expecting."

"Cooler?"

"It's better than dying in bed after a long, dull life. And anyway, it's easy to make sure that that last bit never happens."

"Is it?" Jaime frowned at his cousin.

Addam rolled his eyes. "She said it was going to happen in the Riverlands, right? Just make sure you never go to the Riverlands and you'll be fine!"

Jaime blinked. "That… makes sense," he said, surprised. Addam wasn't exactly known for being a deep thinker - or any sort of thinker.

The ride slowed and stopped before them, then. They waited impatiently while it emptied of people and then the ride operator opened the gate to let them in. They clambered into two seats at the end of one huge tentacle and strapped themselves in, and before long they were swooping up and down and around and around. It was exhilarating and terrifying and fun - but a small voice in Jaime's head kept insisting the whole time that Addam's solution to his problem wasn't really a solution. If Jaime was meant to die in the Riverlands then fate would make sure he would get there one day.

The Kraken started slowing down, and after it finally came to a shuddering halt, Jaime and Addam jumped down and staggered back out of the gate.

This time Jaime was the one who threw up all over his cousin's trainers.

[thecorteztwins]

Well, these are some headcanons that I have for some of my favorite minor Marvel characters that I don’t have a blog for-- Aireo, Aqueduct, Catsye, Darkstar, Fantasma, and Skein. Under the cut in alphabetical order!

AIREO AKA SKYBREAKER - Aireo was originally imprisoned in Attilan for rebelling against Black Bolt’s rule. And after he had been exiled into the human world and became a criminal there, he was imprisoned in a superhuman jail, where he said that it was even more regressive than his fellow Inhumans. Based on this, I think he probably had a lot of problems with the shittier aspects of how Attilan was run, like the arranged/forced marriages and control of who could reproduce with who. He clearly thinks Inhumans are still superior though, as evident by remarks he makes to Firestar. - He’s frequently sick due to the pollution of the human world. This is also why he has to only eat organic. - He’s a vegetarian, since Attilan doesn’t have animals that’s what he’s used to. He finds the idea of eating meat to be barbaric. - His skinniness might be unhealthy on someone else, but it’s how he’s SUPPOSED to be, to facilitate flight easier on the winds he summons. - His brother is HELIO, another villainous minor Inhuman with long hair and wind powers. - He connects with his teammate Terraformer over their respective lack of humanity (in the sense of literally not being human), with Firewall over their mutual anger at regressive systems, and yet it’s Aqueduct, who has the LEAST in common with, that he’s ended up being best buds with...even though he won’t ADMIT that he’s FRIENDS with a HUMAN. - After being exiled from Attilan, I think he just kind of fell into human crime because it was all he could do? He has no human identity, citizenship, or documentation, he has no job skills or degrees, he wouldn't even understand human culture or money when he first started. I imagine he was probably manipulated and exploited a lot for his powers at first, which didn’t help his opinion of humanity. - It pisses him off EXTREMELY how his former boss Maximus gets all the second chances just because he’s Black Bolt’s brother. AQUEDUCT aka Peter Van Zante! - There are SO MANY Peters in Marvel already that I always refer to him by his codename, so I would write him as strictly going by Aqueduct, Aque, Van Zante, Van, or Zante  because calling him Peter just makes even ME think of other characters...and after typing that I nearly called him Peter instead of Aque during every point of this list. - He fought in Vietnam so of course he’d be much older if he aged in real-time, but this being comics he gets to eternally be 30 to 40. I picture him as like....33. Maybe 36 max. - He just seems to be a real loser in canon no matter what he’s doing and who he’s fighting, and I like that. Being an aquekinetic should theoretically be an INCREDIBLE power, especially when he gained the ability to instantly dehydrate someone to death, but the poor guy has just never managed to be anything above a D-list threat. He doesn’t seem very smart or imaginative in how to use his powers, and he also just has terrible luck in terms of the heroes he winds up going against (who often end up being immune to water powers in some way) All of this makes him super endearing to me because of course it does. - Heterosexual. He’s had three steady girlfriends in his life, none of which worked out, and he’s not great with women. He’s visited strip clubs and even paid for sex before but he’s not proud of this, he’s just lonely. -His self-esteem seems very easily influenced by external events. For instance, when he's suffered a setback or defeat, he becomes insecure, pessimistic, and dumps on himself terribly. All the insecurity vanishes, however, the moment he has the upper hand. He becomes a gloating megalomanic, drunk on his own sudden rush of self-esteem, certain of his unbeatable supremacy. - I think he feels much better when he's working with a group; he hasn’t left Force of Nature since he joined up. I think it’s because he can enjoy the mental high of success, but escape the lows of defeat by deferring the responsibility for it on to whoever is in charge. But I also think he genuinely enjoys having friends and comrades. -We never see or hear anything about his family so I headcanon they’re estranged from him due to his being a loser, like he probably has borrowed a lot of money from his parents over and over that he never paid back, that kind of thing.

- He's moody, and not very bright. He's not bad socially, definitely the sort you could have a beer with, but he's also not the most sensitive or astute. He’s probably the nicest person on the Force of Nature squad, though of course he’s shown to hesitate to kill at all during his job as a merc for exco-terrorists. - While I see the rest of Force of Nature as genuinely having some degree of personal investment in Project Earth (the eco-terrorists who hired them) I don’t think Aque does. He doesn’t hate nature or anything, just the usual limit of his “environmentalism” is that he’ll put his beer can in the recycling bin if one is around. - He’s listed as rather overweight for his height. That’s probably meant to be muscle mass, especially given how he’s drawn...but his teammate Aireo/Skybreaker is listed as drastically underweight and drawn the same way, suggesting more to me that the artists just can only draw one body type for men. Because muscles or not, there’s a 100 pound difference between these dudes, they should NOT look this close in size. So my headcanon instead is that AIreo is super skinny and Aqueduct is kinda hefty, and I draw them that way. While there can be many reasons a person is fat or chubby, I admit I do go the common cliche route with Aque---he just doesn’t have a great diet, I picture him as mostly eating at greasy cheap diners and fast food and probably having one too many beers at times. - He’s pretty much trapped in villainy at this point, he can’t really get any kind of legitimate job anymore, so he’s just go to keep doing what he’s doing. He’s not opposed to it, he doesn’t have a moral issue or anything, but he doesn’t like not having a CHOICE, or the knowledge that he put himself here. - He doesn’t seem to have any issues from being in Vietnam, but his encounter with the Ghost Rider and the effects of his whole hellfire-stare thing messed him up so badly he had a mental breakdown and spent time in an asylum, and loses his shit whenever the Ghost Rider is near or even mentioned. So I don’t think it’s even a headcanon to say he’s traumatized by that, it’s just canon. All of Force of Nature also gets a little unhinged from the weeks they’re trapped fighting in a Trans-Sabal war zone, and I imagine there were effects of that afterwards for Aqueduct too. - He’s introduced with SHORT HAIR when he’s the solo Water Wizard, but gets a LONG HAIRSTYLE when he joins Force of Nature that later changes to a MOHAWK STYLE...I draw him with the original short hair, I like it best on him and I think it suits the personality that I read into him. - We never see him in civilian-wear, but I picture him as in just like...very basic working-class guy stuff? Like flannels over t-shirts with jeans and work boots, that kind of thing. Probably leans towards blues and greens with brown neutrals. CATSEYE aka Sharon Smith! - Fanart often depicts her with collar-style necklaces and chokers, but I headcanon her as hating these, since a lot of real cats actually can’t stand them. - She had to be taught to wear clothes, of course, and that was a battle for Emma, but now that she does, she picks her own out. She has a preference for things that are comfy and allow for a lot of movement, without being too restrictive or too loose. A lot of her stuff is therefore athletic-wear, and she always has a swimsuit-like garment underneath that is made of unstable molecules so she can transform without being naked when she resumes her human state. She’s developed a surprisingly good eye for what colors look best on her, such as yellow, orange, pink, and teal. She even knows to limit the purple she wears, and to not wear it close to her face lest it clash with her purple hair, despite purple being her FAVORITE color because that’s what color she is! -  According to Emma’s files, Catseye could detect lies and hated them, but it’s never explained HOW she knew that someone was lying. My headcanon is she could smell them, or more specifically, smell the subtle physiological changes that accompany someone lying. So if someone is lying and THEY KNOW IT, she’d smell it. If someone thinks they are telling the truth, these changes wouldn’t take place, and thus she’d believe them. Likewise, these scents won’t accompany things like billboards or commercials, so she would believe those, hence one issue where Jetstream explains to her that television is a bunch of lies. - Emma’s theory is that she was abandoned at birth for her mutation and adopted in a feral cat colony, but my theory is she was actually abandoned at an older age, around five, at which point she’d have already learned how to speak English. She just forgot it, along with her formal life, after years with the cats as a cat herself. So it’s not that she LEARNED English after never having known it, she REGAINED it. This is much more realistic for a feral child; if a child isn’t exposed to language by a certain age, it is pretty much impossible for them to learn to talk at a later age like Catseye did. I looked up a bunch of real feral child cases, and age five is the youngest at which they could be abandoned and still regain speech later. Obviously, telepathy from Emma would help too, along with Sharon’s own ferocious intelligence, which is probably how she managed to do it so quickly instead of it taking years and years! -  Catseye was a lesbian. She only ever remarks on the appearance of girls (Amara, Angelica, Rahne) and if she finds them pretty or not. I just think it would take a long time for her to come around to it, not because they are girls (she doesn't care about THAT, she never absorbed any homophobia to internalize from CATS) but because they're HUMAN, which she does not see herself as being, so feeling attraction to humans is super weird for her. -  I think that Jetstream really looked out for Catseye. He does things in canon like stopping her from jumping on Magma when she's in flame mode, or explaining to her that she can't trust what the television tells her. I think they were total bros and he was always making sure she didn't hurt herself or get in trouble as best he could. And while Catseye didn’t think she needed the help, I think she was affectionate to him right back, there’s a panel where she rubs against his hand in feline form, which we never saw her do with anyone else to my memory. - Sharon same allergies and dietary limits as a cat (such as lilies making her very sick), and is vulnerable to feline diseases along with human ones. But she also has the feline resistance needed to do things like eat raw meat without fear of illness or parasites. - We know animals have their own languages in Marvel (see: Squirrel Girl talking to squirrels) so I headcanon she can communicate with cats, they just don’t give a shit what she says because they’re CATS, they’re not going to do what she says the way dogs or squirrels do. So what if she’s another cat? People don’t do what another person tells them just because they’re both human! - She’s not afraid of water, nor does catnip make her go crazy, but the laser pointer does! She also has a big collection of things like milk bottle rings, hair bands, and other things pet cats love to play with. DARKSTAR aka Laynia Petrovna! - At the board I write her at, I write her as a lesbian. There is admittedly NO canon evidence for this, but there’s also very little against it? She’s only had ONE boyfriend, when she first showed up, and none since. There could be a LOT of other reasons for this, of course, but I also think it’s totally beieviable that a teenage lesbian (I estimate she was like 19 at that point) who was in the employ of the SOVIET UNION (which was not nice to gays) to have a beard (and probably believe herself she was straight) and to stay closeted as an adult since because Russia is still...not great, to the say the least. I think she’d be cute with Monet, so based on that I’m going to say her type is good-but-dangerous women with shoulder-length-or-longer hair who have toned arms/biceps and are moderately-to-high femme like her. - I estimate her age as around 33 now? Like probably close in age to the O5 X-Men. - Based on a remark she made to Iron Man in one issue, I see her as viewing anyone she fights beside as automatically being her friend, even if they don’t feel the same way. - We rarely see her in civilian clothes, I think only once, so my fashion headcanons are all based mostly on her costumes. I think she bases her outfits around a dark, cool color scheme, like black or blue, then adds bright accents/accessories. Due to coming from cold Russia, short bottoms aren’t in her wardrobe and most of her sleeves are long. She favors high-necked blousy belted tops with sleek pants and functional but pretty boots. Her long blonde is eternally pushed back. by some sort of headband. Cloth, plastic, wood, plain, pearls, bejeweled, patterned, she has them in near every variety possible and they are her most common accessory. She also owns a large assortment of stylish winter coats, scarves, gloves, and hats. Because, again, Russian. She's not much one for bracelets, preferring brooches and pendants more, typically in oval or starburst shapes. She has a love for black velvet, and it will show up for dressy events in forms such as a rhinestone-dotted envelope handbag or round-toed pumps with ankle straps. - Laynia collects small antique music boxes and crystal glass figurines of pretty things like ballerinas and swans. She likes black velvet jewel pillows, gemstones (clear, black, or yellow) all sorts of museums (but especially art, astronomy, and natural history) and the sight of pure white snow under the street lamps at night before people can ruin it into dirty slush the next day. Laynia likes sweet delicate desserts like rock candy, powder candy, jujubes, marzipan, and bliny or oladyi with varenya style fruit preserves. She likes classical, romantic, disco, pop, and synth music. Her favorite animals are white weasels/minks (because they're so pretty and cute) and wolves (because they're beautiful too, but also such social animals with strong family dynamics) Laynia likes “slice of life” fictional media, such as domestic drama novels or family-centered sitcom shows. These are fantasies for her, these are escapes from what’s “normal” in her life. For the same reason, she avoids spy thrillers and similar genres, no matter how unrealistic they are in their depictions. She delights in mundane tasks. Likes working in small groups, dislikes working alone or large groups. Black flowers and butterflies

- Dislikes: Being asked about Putin or the Romanovs or things like that, just because she’s Russian. People not knowing the difference between Russian and Belarusian, zhurek and tukmachi (too fatty), any kind of preserved fish dish (fish should only be served fresh or not at all!) Getting her eyelashes in her eyeball when they fall out . - In one comic, she anthropomorphizes the Darkforce, calling it "she" and believing it has feelings or at the very least is capable of pain. My headcanon for what she actually feels when she feels the Darkforce in "pain" is due to simply her mental connection to her own Darkforce constructs that allows her to create, maintain, and manipulate them. When they are attacked, dissipated, or changed against her will, she feels that as pain, and interprets it as the Darkforce being in pain "herself" - Based on a comment she makes at one point, I think that though not religious aside from a vague conception of Heaven and its goodness/judgement, Laynia is a strong believer in the supernatural, in particular of ghosts. She is not, however, a fan of them, and would prefer to stay away from anywhere that is rumored to be haunted, had a tragedy occur there, or simply feels creepy to her (based on another comment she makes in another instance) - Because Laynia was brought up not to complain, she often won’t express that something is bothering her or that someone has offended her. She thinks she’s doing the right thing, but many people would in fact far prefer that she speak up if she’s got a problem. -Laynia lacks a lot of basic life skills because they simply weren’t taught to her in the “school” she was raised in. For instance, what outfits are appropriate where, car maintenance, budgeting, cleaning, and cooking. She was taught how to find and prepare food in the Siberian wilderness should she ever be stranded or stationed there, but not how to go to the supermarket and make a normal meal in a normal kitchen. She knows to turn to Google for most of this stuff, she's not stupid, but it can be surprising to some people what she doesn't know, and she often doesn't even know it's something she needs to know until it comes up. - Laynia is automatically inclined to trust and obey doctors, professors, and similar people, as well as military personnel. It doesn’t mean she’ll do or believe absolutely anything they say, that depends what it is, but she gives their opinion and approval more weight than she does other people. Laynia also takes criticism from her superiors very personally, but doesn't show it. Crying every time you get reprimanded of course wasn't something you're allowed to do when being trained by the State, so of course she'd never show it, but she would FEEL it because she was taught that her entire purpose was to serve said State, thus her self-worth hinges on it, and a failure hurts that self-worth. This need for approval from authorities means she’ll try to evade blame when something goes awry, and is loath to step out of line. This can make her a snitch, a suck up, and disliked by her peers for it. Laynia does her best to put up a kind and cordial demeanor to all, and retain a polite decorum even when it’s not returned. This is more to avoid making waves in the team than anything else. If there is discord in the ranks, she refuses to ever be the one to blame for it. It’s not that Laynia doesn’t question orders ever. She does. And she does sometimes find her moral conscience at odds with them. The problem is that she seldom acts on these thoughts, instead proceeding with her missions despite her misgivings. FANTASMA sometimes called Fantasia (all for her PRIOR to finding out she’s a Dire Wraith and resuming the evil ways of her kind) - Given the name Faina Neizvestny (Neizvestny meaning "unknown" rather than the usual patronymic Russian surname) and the codename Fantasma. She thought this was a reference to how she was essentially a ghost, someone with no past and no paper trail. In fact it was someone's idea of a joke---a phantasm is a ghost, and another word for ghost is wraith. She didn't know the implication, but she felt far more connected to her codename than her civilian name, perhaps because it wasn’t a human name at all. She quickly grew to only introduce herself as Fantasma whenever possible, and to only answer to such. What’s more, she leaned towards preferring codenames for her teammates well, finding it somehow infantile that they kept their human names when they had earned something grander. Nicknames: Fanny, Fanty, Fan, Tas (all disliked) - Likes elegant perfume bottles that are as much decoration as container, beluga caviar and raw squid, The Conet Project recordings (it's basically music to her) as well as Imogen Heap/Frou Frou, ethereal darkwave, and some trance music, the cold Dislikes confined spaces (we see this in canon) When one first meets Fantasma, she gives the impression of being cool and aloof. Despite her unfailing and prim politeness even in dire circumstances, her manner is cold, brusque, and impersonal, even among those she counts as allies and friends. The best way to describe Fantasma might be a sociopath who is trying not to be a sociopath. In fact, that’s exactly what she thinks she is. Fantasma does not have an internal sense of empathy or morals. She wants to, and she does her best to compensate for this lack, but it's not something she naturally has. Her bio-fields allow her to recognize the pain of others, to share in it, but she doesn't actually feel anything when she sees people hurt or danger. Not without the aid of tapping into her bio-field. And while she will do her best to save innocent people from being hurt, that's because she knows as an intellectual fact that it's what a "good person" would do, and she desires to act as a good person would. All her good actions are exactly that, an intellectual choice to be what she deduces from the norms of society is "good"; she has no internal guiding sense of goodness whatsoever. She wants one. But it's not there. So she just does her best, trying to learn what's "good" from outside sources---books, television, the actions and reactions of other people--and act accordingly. But her heart isn't in it; she knows logically that murder is worthy of greater punishment than jaywalking, but she doesn't feel greater ire at one or the other. She simply understands both are wrong by the standards of law and society, and one is considered more wrong, and should thus be treated as such by a "good" person. Fantasma often feels disconnected from the rest of humanity, like she's a monster or at least not normal. Partly, it's because of her aforementioned lack of "human" mental traits. But it's more than that. She has a constant, distinct sense of simply not belonging, like she's perpetually a stranger in a strange land no matter where she goes, no matter how long she's been there. She doesn't even feel comfortable in her own body, no matter which form she takes. When she's in her true form, she feels like a hideous monster, because that's what it is. But when she's in the beautiful human form that she's so painstakingly crafted to be perfect, she feels what almost might be called dysphoria. She hates both states, and also craves them equally, wanting to be herself and wanting to be a beautiful normal woman. It's torment. It's this feeling of alienation that drives her to try to be as "good" as she can. She feels that she can "fake it til she makes it" in terms of being a normal person, that if she just ACTS like a person with normal empathy and morals enough, she can eventually be one, or at least indistinguishable from one. She'll be like everyone else. And then she won't have the horrible feeling of NOT being like anyone else. Her feeling of not belonging has also made her desire acceptance, and she's learned that her natural personality doesn't win her any favors from most folks, she feels that she can instead be loved and accepted for heroic actions. This has the added bonus of letting her be loved and accepted from a DISTANCE, by society as a whole, rather than having to develop an actual relationship with another person. One can imagine how someone like her might have trouble with that. And she doesn't really want it anyway. She doesn't want to be close with anyone, not anyone she's ever met anyway. She just wants to feel she's one of them. She wants to feel comfortable in the world she lives in, like she belongs in it. Maybe once she does, she'll feel comfortable in her own skin too, or at least one of them. And...she really does want to be good, to be a person. She's aware she's missing something, she's aware she's probably little different than many of the evil individuals she's encountered. But she can be different in her deeds, at least if not her soul. And doesn't the DESIRE the be better than what she is, in itself make her better? While she has an intellectual understanding of how to be deceitful, and will do so in the service of the greater good (ex: lying to an enemy), she cannot understand how to be truly manipulative, as that requires understanding of the normal human thought process and emotions that she does not have, and Fantasma’s feelings are mainly loneliness, irritation, and resilient acceptance. She doesn’t feel affection and love but knows when she should and based her relationships on that. Her sense of pleasure is mainly physical, though she’s never found any food or drinks she actually LIKES, nor is she sexually attracted to humans. Might seem odd that someone essentially asexual dresses as she does, does so for approval, desire, to show off her body and be wanted and seen as beautiful. She's proud of what she's made, and wants it to be admired. She also of course perceives the negative emotions that her attire elicits---the scorn, the the scoffing, the catty comments, the raw animal lust and sexual presumption--but she has decided it's an acceptable cost for the right to display herself as her own living work of art. Her feelings seldom run hot even in the height of battle, and when she's angry, it's an icy cold anger. When not merely coldly polite and cordially distant, she'll often use her bio-field abilities to simply tap into the other person's mood and reflect it back at them. Fantasma prefers cold climates She innately respects female authorities more than male. She’ll obey a male commander because she’s supposed to follow who’s in charge, but dominant “alpha” females in positions of power give her an actual URGE to obey them and seek their favor (based on Dire Wraiths being matriarchal and serving a Queen Moher) Fantasma can be loyal if she chooses to be. And she does choose it. It's a deliberate choice, not a feeling. She selects what organization she will be loyal to (she has an easier time with these than with individual people) based on how ethical it is and the opportunity it will allow her to use her powers for the good of others. She knows that she herself may not be able to find these opportunities on her own, nor always make the right ethical decision on her own, and thus prefers being able to look to an official authority, such as the state, for instructions. She's savvy enough, of course, to realize that a government-sanctioned team will be given instructions with the government's benefit in mind, but so long as that also involves protecting and serving the people, she's willing to do as she's told either way. Thus, she chooses to be loyal by simply acting as a loyal person would, taking orders and carrying them out, and taking a bullet for her teammates even if she feels nothing for them personally. Fantasma knows when others dislike her, but never feels hurt or angry about it. She's the definition of not taking it personally, even when it's very personal. Because of this, she is never one to fuel a feud or participate in petty squabbles. She does feel vindictive when slighted, but since she believes good people don't seek vengeance over personal slights, only justice against real evil and wrongdoing, she does not act on these feelings. Not many things give her joy. But she sometimes feels an urge, something deeper and far more primal than a daydream, of pieces of herself spreading far and wide, taking over everything, overtaking all life like a fungus covering a forest. And that...feels so right. Overall, Fantasma is basically a humanitarian robot, going through all the motions of goodness and compassion as dictated by the norms of society, without any of the internal drive normally behind such actions. She essentially encapsulates the philosophical question---does one's motives for doing good matter, so long as one does it anyway? SKEIN aka Sybil Dvorak - Her backstory is that she was always a loner who kept to herself by choice, til she fell in love with an American movie star who took her back to Los Angeles with him. Because she was an illegal immigrant (and he wouldn’t marry her to make her legal) she ended up confined to the house, and she suspected he was having affairs. After she got her citizenship and he mysteriously died, leaving everything to her, she started a “cult” in which she provided drugs to junkies in exchange for them worshipping her and bringing her soft things. Now, the thing is, drugs are going to cost more than fabrics, feathers, and even some furs. If she JUST wanted soft stuff, she could have bought it directly herself. I think what she really wanted was the people. Despite how much she came to hate her late lover, she was lonely after his death, something she had never experienced before, having always previously been a loner by her own choice. She wanted people around for the first time. But this time, she wanted the control. Hence, the use of drugs to keep them wrapped around her finger as their provider. - She has a cold, haughty, almost emotionless affect when she first appears, and for awhile after, as well as speaking very formal English and wearing a very modest costume. In the 90s, when she takes the new codename “Skein” as opposed to G****y Moth, she also takes on a new thrill-seeking and hypersexual persona, a revealing costume, and a much more casual way of speaking. My theory is that as she became more exposed to wild and criminal lifestyles through the junkies and through the other supervillains she worked with later, she began to find that thrillseeking hedonism made her feel “alive” in a way she hadn’t previously been, hence her change from a cold personality to a very hot one. I feel like engaging in lots of sensual pleasures is all an extension of her sensory fascination with soft things. As she spent more time in America, her English also just naturally got more casual since that’s how most people around her would be speaking it. - Problematic representation though she is, I do indeed agree with the fanon opinion she’s hinted as bisexual. - She’s from Romania, but her surname (Dvorak) is Czech. As it happens, Czech Romanians are an ethnic minority there numbering about four thousand, so my headcanon is that’s what she is. - Her canon backstory is that she was “raised by Roma” (except of course Marvel uses the g-slur) which...implies she’s NOT Roma, and that they just raised her, which begs the question of what happened to her family? It reminds me of antiziganist myths about Roma stealing children, not to mention that given how Roma are stereotyped as thieves (and the women as hypersexual) I decided to minimize her connection to anything Romani in my headcanon, and say instead that she came from a Czech Romanian family and she just TOLD other kids she was “raised by Roma” because they seemed cool to her, being the little loner she was. - I headcanon that her love for softness extends to people, that she’s most attracted to people who are “soft” in some way, be in physically or in their personality. Case in point, I headcanon her with a crush on Haven, because like...curvy body, soft hair, soft clothes, soft-looking eyes, soft voice, gentle personality. Total package right there as far as Skein sees it...aside from not being sexual at all or at all into women. Drat! (I feel like Aqueduct is kinda sweet on Haven too, though I feel weird about making TWO characters attracted to her but I mean...shit, I would be, and she’s not even my typical type!) - I think being overtly flirtatious might be the only way she knows how to connect with people. I don’t mean to pathologize her sexuality, like women can just BE sexy and flirty without there being some deep reason, and I think that’s partly it here too, but also in the context of her larger personality I think this is partly it as well.

[perspective-series]

Meta Perspective (12)

By: @arc852 and @hiddendreamer67

Warnings: None

(Check the reblog for the links to any future chapters)

————————————————————————————————–

“I’m uh, I’m going to finish up dinner,” Patton said, heading back into the kitchen. 

 Virgil sighed as he turned to sit on the couch. “So, how are you doing after all that?” Virgil asked.

“I’m...alright.” Amanda glanced towards the kitchen doorway. “A little concerned that Patton’s going to just let Roman waltz in here while I’m sleeping. And I’m still reeling over the fact that Allison actually went back to humans, let alone the fact she got caught in the first place.”

 “Yeah...It is a little strange you both got caught at the same time.” Virgil admitted. “Especially since it, you know, doesn’t happen often.”

“No, and we were taught that if it did happen we would probably die.” Amanda tilted her head. “Why were our parents so intent on making us constantly fear for our lives?’’

 “I mean, I get it. They were just trying to watch out and protect you.” Virgil sighed. “There are some...bad humans out there. You two just happened to get lucky with us.”

“Yeah, and I guess I just got more lucky, then.” Amanda paused, looking down at her wrapped leg. “...sorta.”

 Virgil winced. “Yeah...it seems like you got physically injured and Allison got mentally hurt, by the looks of things.”

“Oh good, that sounds fine.” Amanda rolled her eyes. “Wait, did you see Allison when you went over there? How was she?”

 “No, she wasn’t there. I guess she really did go back home, like she said she was going to.” Virgil explained with a shrug. “I was glad she wasn’t there though, I wanted to speak to the two of them alone.”

“Just to lecture them about being bad humans?” Amanda guessed.

 “Yep.” Virgil had no problems admitting. “They were wrong and they needed to know that.”

“It’s nice to know you’re willing to call humans out like that.” Amanda teased. “Now all I’ve got to do is keep you in line and I’m golden.”

 “Please, I do what I want.” Virgil teased.

 “Dinner’s ready!” Patton called from the kitchen. Virgil smiled and offered a hand to Amanda.

“I’m sure I can tame even a wild spirit like you.” Amanda threatened, climbing on.

 “I would love to see you try,” Virgil smirked, taking her into the kitchen and letting her off on the already set table. Patton was sitting down already, smiling.

 “Bon appetit guys! I made us some homemade pizza!”

“Oh, thank you!” Amanda gave the human a larger grin than normal, taking up a tiny section of pizza and looking to Virgil with a quirked eyebrow. “See? I already tamed Patton.”

 Patton blinked, a little lost. “Huh?”

 “That doesn't count. Patton’s like that with everyone.” Virgil said, grabbing his own slice.

“Patton, who are you more loyal to, Virgil or me?” Amanda asked, taking a bite.

 Patton froze. “Uhh…” Virgil turned to face Patton.

 “Yeah, Pat. Who?” Virgil asked.

 “Well uh...I refuse to answer.” Patton decided.

“Say Virgil tried to keep me,” Amanda suggested, raising an eyebrow. “Do you listen to him, or do you let me go?”

 “I’d let you go,” Patton said, barely even thinking about it. 

 Virgil frowned. “Hey!”

 Patton turned to him with a shrug. “Sorry kiddo, but it would just be wrong to keep someone like Amanda and you know it,” Virgil muttered under his breath as he crossed his arms but he couldn’t help but agree.

“I win,” Amanda said smugly, tearing into her food with a grin.

 “Yeah, whatever,” Virgil muttered, taking another bite.

 “Anyway,” Patton spoke up, wanting to change the subject. “Amanda, what do you want to do after dinner?”

“Um, I’m not sure.” Amanda admitted, having not thought that far ahead. “Something fun, I guess.”

 “Well...you’ve played a video game, maybe you want to play a board game?” Patton asked.

“What sort of board game?” The borrower asked, already looking eager.

 “Oh, we’ve got a ton!” Patton stood up and headed towards the hall closest, getting down a bin full of board games. “Let’s see...we have Life, Monopoly, Apples to Apples, Clue, Battleship, and a couple of other ones.” Patton listed.

“Once again, uh...I know what none of that means.” Amanda wiped her hands off on her pant leg. “But I’ll play whatever you think will be fun.”

 “Life could be interesting.” Virgil pointed out. He turned to look at Amanda. “It basically lets you go through a human life and make choices and stuff like that.” He figured the borrower would at least find it interesting.

“How does that work?” Amanda tilted her head. “I thought we were just going to play a game.”

 “I think it’s better if we showed you!” Patton exclaimed. He took the game out and started to set it up on the coffee table. Virgil looked down at Patton’s half-eaten slice of pizza and rolled his eyes before finishing up his own and offering a hand to Amanda.

Amanda climbed on, noting vaguely how much better her leg was doing. It was amazing how a day of rest could do wonders on such an injury, especially given how fast borrowers usually healed. She might be able to unwrap it entirely tonight.

 Virgil walked over and set her down on the coffee table and then went to sit on the floor. Patton had already managed to set everything up and was now pointing at the wheel in the middle. “Okay! We’ll let you go first. Just spin this wheel and move the number of squares that it lands on!” Patton explained.

“Um, okay.” Amanda followed the instructions as best she could, spinning the wheel with a grunt. Amanda peered over the edge, glancing at the number before picking up her piece and walking to the correct spot.

 “Oh! Okay, so this is where you have to choose. Do you want to go to college or just get a job?” Patton asked.

“Why does that matter?” Amanda asked. “What’s the difference?”

 “Well, if you go to college you can get better jobs.” Virgil pointed out. “But if you get a job, you start making money earlier and you don’t have to worry about loans.”

“Why do I need money?” Amanda remembered hearing the term once or twice, but to a borrower, things like currency had no value. “And what are loans?”

 “Wait, you don’t know how money works?” Virgil asked eyebrow raised.

“No, why?” Amanda looked between the humans, feeling she was missing something. “Should I?”

 Virgil turned to Patton. “Maybe we should play something else. Not involving money.” He suggested and Patton frowned but nodded.

 “Okay, um...battleship?” That should be fun and relatively easy, right?

“No, we don’t have to stop!” Amanda waved her hands. She didn’t want them to give her some sort of handicap game just because she was a little behind on human culture. “I can learn money!”

 “...Alright. Patton?” Virgil handed the floor to him and Patton bit his lip.

 “Well, we use money to buy things. Food, furniture and in this case, we buy the ability to go to college and learn in order to get a degree to get a job and earn more money.” Patton did his best to explain.

“Wait, so if you have money, you can just get stuff?” Amanda said. 

 “Well, if you have enough.” Patton continued. “Everything has a price and if you don’t have enough money you can’t get something.”

 “But that’s where loans come in.” Virgil picked up. “Though, loans are only used for huge expenses like college or buying a house. Basically, the government gives you money to pay with but then you have to pay it back in monthly amounts.”

“So why is money so valuable?” Amanda asked, beginning to get the idea. It was like trading. “What does it do? Why do people want it?”

 “The more money you have, the more things you can get. The nicer the things you can get.” Virgil shrugged. “But also it’s essential for humans to live and buy things you need, so that’s mostly why people want it.”

“No I get that, but why is money itself worth anything?” Amanda rephrased her question. “If it’s worth so much in trading, it must be quite useful indeed. Otherwise, why collect it at all?”

 “Uhh...well...it’s useful for buying things. That’s it. That’s it’s only purpose.” Virgil tried to explain.

 “Yeah, I think it’s worth has something to do with how much our government has in gold? Not sure.” Patton jumped in.

“...sounds fake, but okay.” Amanda shrugged. Perhaps there really were some human concepts she would never understand.

 “So, college or job?” Patton asked again.

“It sounds like a job is better.” Amanda pointed out. “Because then I get money and I don’t get loans...right?”

 “Well, for some people yeah. Others though, think it’s better to go to college to get a better job and even more money.” Patton explained.

 “Despite the fact they’ll be in debt for the rest of their lives.” Virgil muttered.

“Okay, well I’ll do job.” Amanda decided, pushing her piece into place.

 Patton nodded and went ahead and drew three cards from the job pile. He laid them out in front of Amanda. “Alright, so now you get to pick one! Looks like your choices are retail worker, artist or a flight attendant!”

“What are those? Does it matter?” Amanda asked, inspecting the cards.

 “Well, they all have different salaries under them, so you should probably take the one that gives you the most money. And that seems to be the flight attendant.” Virgil pointed out. 

 “Oh, that’s a fun job! They basically get to be in an airplane all day, going all over the place!” Patton chimed in.

“What’s an airplane?” Amanda asked, lifting up the card. The art was pretty, in its own way. Amanda would certainly try on an outfit like that if she found the right doll clothes. Of course, that was the same for most human outfits.

 “Uhh...have you ever seen anything other than a bird flying in the sky? Something that looked like metal? Or maybe you’ve heard the sound of something loud in the air?” Virgil tried.

“Um…” Amanda tried to think back to if she had ever seen such a thing. “Well, sometimes the stars move. Is that the same thing?”

 “Yeah! That’s a plane!” Patton exclaimed with a grin. “It’s like this big metal ship with wings that humans control and fly through the air with. That’s how humans get to far away places sometimes.”

“Oh that is so cool.” Amanda’s eyes widened. “So you made your own birds? I’ve always thought that would be fun, but Allison would never let me try and ride one.”

 Virgil winced. “Um...yeah, I think I can see why.” Sure it sounded cool but the execution could be very dangerous. 

 “Basically! It’s just a faster way to get around. Hey! Maybe we could bring you on one sometime!” Patton said with a large grin. Virgil frowned.

 “Uh...Maybe not. TSA would find Amanda in a heartbeat.” Virgil said and Patton frowned.

 “Oh, right.”

“Who is TSA?” Amanda asked, trying not to feel deflated. She would have loved to ride the metal bird.

 “Security. They have things that can see inside bags and stuff, so I’m sure they would spot a tiny person.” Virgil said. “So, not a good idea, sorry. We could always take you on some more car rides though.” Virgil said with a shrug.

“Yeah, I guess.” Amanda shrugged. “I mean, it’s no sky, but it would be cool to be in a car and actually see what’s happening.”

 “Oh! And maybe we can take a trip somewhere! That could be fun, right?” Patton exclaimed. He had been bummed about not being able to fly too but the idea of taking a vacation with the borrower sounded even better.

“Ooh, that could be fun!” Amanda clapped her hands excitedly, thrilled at the idea of how far she could travel with a human’s help. After all, she had already gone over several blocks away with them when traveling to school, and that was further than Amanda ever expected to go in a lifetime. “Where should we go? And when?”

 “Well, we would have to wait until the semester ends but uh...we could go to disney?” Virgil suggested. It was the place to go for vacations after all.

 Patton’s eyes lit up. “Yes! We could go to Disney! Oh, that would be so much fun!”

“Yes! Disney!” Amanda found herself caught up in the excitement, only to slowly take a step back when she remembered she was out of her element. “...what’s Disney?”

 “Oh, don’t let Roman hear you say that,” Virgil said as Patton decided to take out his phone and look it up, their board game all but forgotten. He held the phone in front of Amanda.

 “This is Disney.” Patton said with a grin.

Amanda’s eyes widened, looking at the image on Patton’s phone. “You’re telling me that’s an actual place?” The castle looked like it came straight out of one of the fairytales from Amanda’s childhood.

 “Oh yeah.” Virgil said with a smirk. “They’ve got rides, so much food, some live shows, etc, etc.” He said. 

 Patton grinned. “It isn’t called the happiest place on earth for nothing, you know.”

“Yes, yes I want to go there.” Amanda pressed her finger into the screen eagerly.

 “Then I’m sure we can make it happen.” Virgil chuckled. “Though it will be another two months before we can go but I guess it’s good to plan ahead.”

 “Yeah! Though uh, fair warning, if we go I’m thinking Roman and Logan are going to want to come with us.” Patton said. Knowing Roman wouldn’t miss the chance to go to Disney and Logan wouldn’t want to be left behind. Besides, he liked disney just as much as the rest of them.

“...oh.” Amanda hadn’t really considered that.

 “But you shouldn’t let that deter you!” Patton was quick to say. “Like I said, they aren’t bad people...and if you really want you don’t have to be anywhere near them. You can just stick with me or Virgil.”

“Mhm.” Amanda had to also remember that it wouldn’t be for several months. That was a long time; Amanda couldn’t be sure she would even still be living with Patton and Virgil. After all, by then her leg would have certainly healed. And there was Allison to consider, who may want to move because of the same humans who now wanted to piggyback on Amanda’s Disney adventure. 

“Well, I suppose we can always figure it out later.” Amanda shrugged.

 “Right, yeah, we have plenty of time.” Patton agreed. He put his phone away before noticing the board game and remembering they had been playing. “Oh, right! The board game!” He turned to Amanda. “Still up to play?”

“...yeah.” Amanda snapped out of her thoughts, turning to the game at hand. “Let’s play.”

[hymn2000]

Where The Darkness Ends - MCU AU fanfic - C8

Story summary: The concept of having a baby has been more of an idea for a long time now. Ideal candidates for a three-person baby, Loki and Tony have finally, after many Peter-based setbacks and challenges, got to the point of being tested. Now, they just have to wait for the results before they can move on to the next stage.

Previous Chapter(s): 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 

Part of my Frostiron and Spiderson series.

Warnings/themes: family stuff, mental health stuff, hurt/comfort, hospital/medical stuff, fertility stuff, IVF, potentially some medical inaccuracies, alcohol misuse

You can also find me on AO3

Chapter 8 - It's Hard To Feel What's In Your Head

-

Pepper forced more coffee into Loki and Tony, and a starchy meal, and then sent them to one of the spare rooms to ‘sleep it off’.

“Go! I’m sick of both of you” she said, only half joking. “Go to sleep”

Wisely, they did as they were told. Pepper waited until she heard a door close and then looked at the kitchen properly. It had been a challenge cooking in such a mess, and she hadn’t really found any proper food aside from the pasta she’d served. She looked at the empty bottles and cans littered about the place. It was a bit ridiculous, really - and scary. She really wished now that she’d been more insistent and come round to help them out earlier, even though they’d told her not to. She couldn’t help feeling just a tiny bit responsible for what had happened here.

Still, she shook her head and got to work. Just clearing the huge amount of alcohol containers (which took a good three bin bags) made the kitchen look a whole lot better. Well, the rubbish had to take priority, and Pepper had a feeling there would be more bottles and cans for her to discover.

-

As was usually the case, she was right: there were bottles and cans all over the place. Loki was usually so houseproud, keeping a good, tidy home, and this was so out of control, so absolutely opposite to the usual, that it made the desperation of the Stark’s mental state so much clearer - more so even than Loki’s cry for help.

-

It took a long time just to get rid of all of the rubbish and open the windows. It was clear very early on that this was not a one man job. Well, those two had to channel themselves into something. She knew what they were going through - heck, it had hurt her too. But Loki and Tony needed to step up. They weren’t going to get over the blow overnight, but they needed to pick themselves up, look after themselves, look after each other, and seek help. Proper help. Calling Pepper had been the first step - a big step, she knew that. Now they needed to sort their house out. And then they needed to talk. Properly. It was the only way they were going to come to terms with any of this.

-

Loki and Tony didn’t sleep for too long, and Pepper somehow managed to walk in just as they were waking up.

“How do you feel?” she asked.

“Slightly sober” Tony said, wrinkling his nose.

“Mm. And my head hurts” Loki said.

“I’m not surprised” Pepper said, opening the window as wide as it would go. “Right, we need to do something about this house. Get up”

“I said slightly sober” Tony scowled.

“That’s good enough. Nothing like a bit of hard labour to sort your heads out. Come on; there’s loads of work to do. This place is a mess. Now get up”

Loki sighed and hauled himself out of bed. Tony did too, but he didn’t look happy.

“Ok. I’ll do the kitchen and bedrooms” Pepper said. “I definitely don’t trust you anywhere near knives and glasses right now. Tony, start with your study and work your way round from there. Loki, start on the landing and work your way from there. We’ll meet in the middle some time and then tackle the downstairs together”

Tony stared at her. She smiled slightly, twirled the cleaning keys on her finger, and then threw them to Loki, who caught them easily enough.

“It’s open, but you should keep hold of those. So” she stood to the side of the doorway, nodding out to the landing. “Get busy”

-

Pepper set FRIDAY back up, and put the stereos and radios on, bringing a bit of life to the dirty depressing house. That, and the open windows blowing in cold air, certainly helped. Tony grumbled like anything at first - Pepper could hear him from down the hall - but after a while he went quiet, focusing on his work. Loki was quiet all the while, but he worked diligently, and Pepper fancied she could see a change in him after the first hour. It looked as though keeping busy was helping.

-

Pepper had given herself a tough job, as the kitchen was in a dreadful state state. That took the longest, a good 90 minutes from washing up at the start to sweeping and mopping the floor at the end. From there she had the bedrooms. Loki’s room was in a much better state than Pepper had expected, which was a relief. It was just a shame she couldn’t say the same for Tony’s room. She dreaded to think what his study and the lab were going to be like. She did their rooms, and then checked all the spare rooms, straightening out the room Loki and Tony had slept in. She went and checked Peter’s room. Aside from the spare rooms, it was definitely the cleanest place in the whole house as far as she’d seen. It just looked the same as it usually did, only a bit dusty and with some things out of place. She gave it a quick going over anyway, and then went and took the mountain of dirty washing down to the laundry room.

The laundry room certainly hadn’t been used any time in the past month. Well, thank god for the two washers and dryers, she thought, putting a couple of loads in. This was going to take a hell of a long time.

-

Eventually it did start to look like they’d made some sort of progress. Once the upstairs was finally done, right down to the windows being cleaned and the skirting boards being wiped clean, they went downstairs. The lab hadn’t been used, which was a huge worry considering how Tony usually reacted in times of crisis, but at least it meant giving it a clean wasn’t too much of a struggle. The swimming pool was maintained by an outside source, so they didn’t need to worry about that. Pepper set the two of them to work on the little side stores and the main lobby and stairs while she sat and sifted through the post, separating the junk mail from the actual mail, sorting it into recipient piles and sub-piles, from important to less important to not important. She set it all carefully on the little round table in the entrance, deciding there was nothing that couldn’t wait until tomorrow. After all, some of those letters had waited a month already.

-

It was dark by the time they’d finished. Pepper told them to go and shower and get changed, and once they had done so, they all three flopped on the sofa in the living room. It felt a little strange seeing everything so clean and orderly again after so long.

“How do you feel now?” Pepper asked after a few minutes.

“Sober” Tony said, and Loki nodded in agreement.

“You nearly look it. I know you’ve been drunk for a while now. We need to be a bit carefully, especially with you, Tony. I’m going to stay for a while” she said. “I’ll help you, both of you. We’ll get you better”

“What’s the point?”

“You’ve got a life to be getting on with. And you’ve got a son, who I daresay is going to really be missing you. We’ll get you well enough to go and see him. We’ll work on the rest as best we can”

“How have you done it?” Tony almost snapped. “You were cut up about it when you found out too”

“Yes, I was. I still am” Pepper said. “It’s a bit different for me though... I was just a bit more proactive, seeing that therapist, talking to people, friends, family. Keeping myself busy. I knew I should have seen you earlier. I didn’t realise how bad things were when you stopped replying to my messages and ignoring my calls”

“I don’t think he realised either” Loki said. “I think... When I went the same way, I knew how dire things were, but it didn’t hurt so much when I was drunk. So I just ignored it”

Pepper sighed sadly. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you earlier. We need to sort you out. I’m going to cook, and tomorrow we’re all going to see a therapist”

“I don’t want to see a therapist!” Tony snapped.

“You need to!” Pepper snapped. “Look at the state you got yourselves into! Thank god you had to sense to send Peter to his uncle’s”

“I sent him to get him away from Loki”

Loki and Pepper stared at him.

“...What?”

“You heard me” Tony scowled at her. “I thought Loki was gonna hurt him, like in all those case studies online where people have lost kids and taken it out on their other ones”

“What?! Tony, how could you think so lowly of me?” Loki stared at him, tears filling his eyes. “How could you think-”

“I didn’t want to think it!” Tony interrupted. “I just did, and I tried to shake the thoughts, and then you shoved him, and even though you hugged him straight away afterwards, you still hurt him! You made him squeak! And I was scared, Loki. I was really scared. I knew I wouldn’t be able to look after both of you, and if you started hurting him, I just- I’m sorry, but I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t take that risk!”

“It’s just as well” Pepper said. “He needs to be out of the way while you two are as low as this. Loki, don’t look so defensive. Tony, it’s ok. You just did what you thought was best”

Loki went quiet. He didn’t know what to say. He turned away from Tony.

“...I let him down. I was gonna take him out. I slept through it, and then I kept meaning to go, but every night I just couldn’t” Tony said thickly. “And then I stopped thinking about it. Even though he keeps calling and texting”

“That’s something you need to make amends for at a later date. We need to sort out the here and now first” Pepper said.

“My retest came back the same” Loki said. “I’ve got another one in a couple of weeks. It’ll be the same though, I know that already”

“Loki, darling” Pepper sighed. “I can only imagine how this feels for you, if it feels like this for me, and if it’s done this to you two. But you can get help. There’s options”

“It was always going to be the three person way” Tony said. “That way it would’ve been both of ours”

“...We’re not having a baby” Loki closed his eyes and rested his forehead in his hand. “I can’t have children”

“No, you can’t. Not like that” Pepper said. “And it’s horrible, but you can’t change that. But you’ll come to terms with it”

“There’s no help for people like me” Loki said. “Even people at work know that. There’s no infertility support for men, not really. They just shove adoption and sperm donation suggestions at you”

“You’ve already done one of those things” Pepper pointed out.

“It’s not the same”

“No, it’s not” she said. “But it’s something to consider. You’ve got a kid. You might not have made him, but you’ve got him, and he’s yours. Undeniably yours. Maybe... a baby-”

“No” Loki said. “We were going to make one. I’m not adopting a baby. I want my own baby”

“Loki, that’s impossible now, you know that” Tony said.

“I know” Loki sighed. “But it’s still what I want”

There was a small silence. Pepper checked her watch and sighed.

“I think it’s time we all called it a night. We’ve got to get up in the morning”

“I don’t want to go to that therapist” Tony spat.

“Tough” Pepper said. “You’re going. Now go to bed”

-

Two days later, there was a knock at Thor’s front door. Peter stayed where he was, settled on the sofa in the living room with his book. He heard all the muffled voices, sounding quite heated, and then he heard Thor calling his name. Cautiously, he made his way to the kitchen - and froze.

“Oh...”

He glanced at Pepper, and looked at his parents. He’d spent so long willing them to show up, wishing to see them, but now that they were here, he suddenly wished they were anywhere else. Suddenly he didn’t want to see them, or be near them. He felt weird - nervous, almost scared. His heart was thudding in his chest, and he suddenly felt cold.

“Hey sweetheart!” Tony said, smiling at him. “How are you doing? Thor looking after you ok? It’s so good to see you! I’ve missed you, kiddo”

Peter didn’t say anything. He felt sick. He hurried over to Thor’s side, keeping a good distance between him and his parents, trying not to look at them.

“Do you want a drink?” Thor said gently, stroking the boys hair gently.

He went over to the fridge and got out a bottle of pop, which he handed to Peter. Peter took it, holding it in both hands. He felt sick, and his eyes had started to fill with tears.

“What’s up, kiddo?” Tony said, concerned. “You feeling poorly? Hey, come and give me a hug. A little cuddle will help you feel better. Come on, chick, come here”

Peter didn’t. He looked at Thor for help. Thor squeezed his shoulder reassuringly.

“Why don’t you go back to your room for a bit?” he said.

Peter nodded, grateful for this excuse to leave, and made for the door.

“Hey!” Tony made a grab for him.

Peter dodged, and Thor caught hold of Tony to stop a second attempt, letting Peter escape.

“Leave him alone”

“He’s my son! I just wanna give him a cuddle”

“Well, he doesn’t want you! You’ve had every opportunity to see him, but instead you cut him off for no reason. You’ve got no right to barge in here after not seeing or contacting us for weeks”

“That doesn’t mean he’s not my son! You can’t just stop me from seeing him”

“I’m not: he is. He doesn’t want to be near you, that much is clear. And I can’t blame him. You broke his little heart, abandoning him like that”

Tony pulled free from Thor, and sat back down heavily. Thor looked at him. He looked at Loki, and then at Pepper.

“I take it you’re the reason they’re here now?”

“Well, essentially, yes” Pepper said awkwardly.

“Well done” Thor said. He looked between Loki and Tony. “What was it? Was it alcohol?”

They paused, looking uncomfortable, and then Loki nodded.

“A part of it...” he said.

“A large part?” Thor pressed.

Loki looked at Tony, and had to nod.

“You don’t get to judge” Tony said crossly. “You don’t know what this is like for us”

“No, I don’t” Thor said. “But while you’ve been drowning your sorrows and wallowing in self pity, I’ve been looking after your little boy. Single-handedly, might I add, and in difficult circumstances where I couldn’t even get in touch with his parents when I needed help, and sorting some of these problems hasn’t been an easy feat. I know what happened was awful, but you should’ve done better by him. He needed you, and you weren’t there”

For a while no one knew what to say.

“I tried at first” Loki said eventually, keeping his eyes cast down. “But the way Tony was got to me. And then it just felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere the way I was doing things. So it was easier just to join in...”

“You should have called me, called someone. You should have reached out!”

“I did...”

“No you didn’t, otherwise we wouldn’t be in this mess”

“He rang me” Pepper said. “A few days ago. He knew he needed help; he admitted it”

Thor sighed, covering his eyes for a moment. “Well, they’re here now, and I suppose that’s progress”

“It is. You didn’t see the state of them and the house when I turned up. This is a huge turn around”

There was another short silence.

“...I can appreciate that, and everything you’ve done” Thor said. “And I’m proud. But there’s still a lot of work to do”

Everyone else nodded. They all knew Thor was right.

“You’ll get there, with the right support” Pepper said. “You need to let us help you”

Tony and Loki nodded slightly. Tony sighed and stood up.

“I want to see my son”

“No” Thor said firmly. “Leave him alone. He’s got enough to contend with without you going in and upsetting him. You can see him when he decides he’s ready”

Well, Tony didn’t like that. He exploded, and Thor shouted back. Loki tried to calm them at first, but then the tension turned onto him, and it wasn’t long before all three men were shouting back and forth between themselves. Pepper watched them for a while. She knew there was no point interrupting or trying to get them to stop, so she slipped out of the kitchen.

-

Peter pushed his headphones back off his ears so they were round his neck. He looked up at Pepper.

“Hi, kid” she said gently. “Mind if I join you?”

Peter nodded, turning his music player off. Pepper closed the door and went and sat down beside him on the bed.

“You’re not here to try to get me to go and talk to my dads, are you?”

“No” Pepper said. “I’m not surprised that you don’t want to see them”

Peter nodded. “Why didn’t dad come to see me? He promised he would. And then he blanked all my calls and texts and stuff”

“They both spiralled and went to a pretty dark place. You don’t need to know the details. But they’re getting better. They’ve made the first few steps anyway, and they’re working on it. They’ll visit now. You won’t have to see them if you don’t want to, but they’ll still visit”

“Mm...” Peter went quiet, listening to the sounds of the men shouting in the other room. “It’s weird hearing uncle Thor so angry and shouty and stuff. He’s not really that kind of person. Not with me, anyway”

“Has he been looking after you well? I’ve been a bit worried about you, especially since I found out how bad things were with your dads”

“Yeah, he’s been really good. He’s always so kind and understanding and stuff, even when I’m being kinda difficult. He doesn’t really get cross and he never shouts or smacks me, so that’s good, I guess... He’s been trying to help me with my school work too, even though he doesn’t really understand a bunch of it. He’s really bad at geography, but at least there’s google and textbooks and stuff to help”

“Tony said you’re off school at the moment”

Peter nodded. “I still get all the work sent to me, and then I do it and send it back, and then they send it back to me when it’s been marked. And I can email some of my teachers if I need help”

“How are you finding that?”

Peter shrugged. “Ok, I guess. I mean, it’s a little hard to concentrate sometimes, and they don’t really send enough to occupy me for like, a full week, so it’s easy to get bored too. I’m still getting decent grades but... Well, you know. I’m still sad and stuff”

“I know” Pepper looked at him. “Have you been getting out much?”

Peter nodded. “We at least go on a walk every day, even when I have a tantrum about it. Uncle Thor keeps taking me to museums and out to the cinema and on like, bus rides and train journeys and stuff. Or just like, takes me to the shops or out for lunch and stuff. He said daddy was really bad when he lived here ‘cos he didn’t get to go out much and he got bored and frustrated, and I guess he wants to stop me from kicking off and stuff”

“Well, that’s good, and that makes sense. Is it working?”

“Kinda. I still kick off sometimes. I’ve got a lot of stuff to deal with”

“I know” Pepper put an arm round Peter. “You’re a good kid. I’m glad you’re being looked after properly and you’re keeping up with your school work. I’ll come and see you too, if you like”

Peter nodded. “That’d be nice”

“Have you been seeing your friends at all?”

Peter shook his head. “It’s a bit awkward right now, y’know. They’re all at school and it’s all ok for them, and I’m here just... It’s still weird to think about it. Don’t you think? I mean, well, you’d be pregnant by now if things had gone the way they should’ve done”

“Yes, I know. It is strange to think about it. I’d been preparing for it too. I had so much in place. It’s a horrible situation, poor Loki’s condition, but I’m starting to come to terms with it, and your parents will come to terms with it too. They’ve still got you to think about, regardless of the whole IVF situation”

“They haven’t been thinking about me so far” Peter said bitterly. “Daddy hasn’t seen me or spoke to me or anything at all, not since the day dad dropped me off here. And dad buggered off and stopped getting involved soon after that anyway. They haven’t thought about me at all the past however many weeks”

“They still love you, kiddo”

“You don’t know that”

“Yes I do”

Peter didn’t look convinced. He put his headphones back on. Pepper noticed he didn’t turn the music on, but she got the message. She gave him a squeeze and stood up.

“No one is going to force you to do anything. Take care, Peter. I’ll see you again soon. You’ve got my number if you need me”

-

The men had finally stopped shouting when Pepper got back to the kitchen. They were glaring at each other, breathing heavily.

“Finished?” Pepper said, raising an eyebrow pointedly at them.

They nodded, and Thor sighed.

“I stand by what I said” Thor said. “You stay away from him”

“He’s my son!” Tony shouted.

“Will you stop?!” Pepper snapped. “Can’t you at least try to discuss this in a civil manner?”

“What is there to discuss?” Tony scowled. “I can see my son if I want to”

“He doesn’t want to see you. I think you should keep visiting, but don’t force yourself on the poor kid. He’s got every right to be angry with you”

“This is a waste of time” Tony said. “Let’s just go home. I’m gonna go and say goodnight to my son”

Loki grabbed his hand. “Don’t. Leave him alone”

Tony pulled his hand away and stormed out of the room. They all froze, and then heard the front door go. They all breathed out, relieved he hadn’t gone to Peter.

“We should go” Loki said.

Thor nodded and pulled him close. “Stay in touch this time”

Loki nodded slightly and pulled away. He looked at Pepper. Pepper looked at Thor.

“Sorry for springing on you like this”

“No, it’s ok. Thanks for giving these two a kick” Thor said. “Maybe see you again some time”

“Sure” Pepper said. “Goodbye”

-

Thor knocked on Peter’s door and opened it.

“They’re gone”

Peter nodded. “I know”

“Is there anything playing through those headphones?”

Peter shook his head. Thor closed the door and sat down on the edge of the bed.

“Are you ok?”

Peter shrugged. “I thought I’d be excited to see them again. Happy”

“But instead?”

“I don’t know. I just felt all weird and scared and angry. I know they’re all kinda upset and hurting and stuff but they still abandoned me”

“What do you want to do now?”

Peter swallowed. “...Can we order a takeaway?”

Thor took his phone out of his pocket and handed it to Peter. Peter smiled slightly and leant into Thor as he opened a takeaway app. Thor gently took Peter’s headphones off and moved them aside.

“That’s better” he said softly.

Peter made a vague noise of agreement, scrolling through some menus. Thor rested a hand on Peter’s head.

“It’ll be ok” Thor said. “You don’t have to see them until you’re ready”

Peter nodded slightly. “Thanks... Have you ever thought about having kids?”

Thor paused. “I’ve never really been in the right situation to consider it. Why?”

“You’d make a good dad. You’re good at looking after me”

“Well, thank you” Thor said. “I’m trying to do my best by you. I love you, little nephew Peter”

“I love you too, big uncle Thor”

Thor smiled. “Good. Now, what are we having to eat?”

-

Pepper made Tony help with the tea.

“You two were ridiculous today” Pepper said. “Loki, you barely said a word. And Tony, you said way too much. Actually, you didn’t speak; you shouted. A lot. No wonder the poor kid holed up in his room! You made Thor worse too. As if he wasn’t angry enough already, all that stuff you shouted at him. Listen, you’ve both done really well these last few days, and I’m proud of you, but today you really showcased how much more work you’ve got to do”

Loki stayed quiet, and for a moment, Tony did too.

“It’s only been a few days” he said. “It wasn’t easy for us either, we all know that. You saw the look on Peter’s face. How do you think that made me feel?”

“I know, but-”

“I’ve got enough going on without losing my little boy. Thor might be looking after him, but he’s got no rights here. He can’t keep him forever, and he can’t stop me seeing him”

“He’ll try though” Loki said.

Tony looked at him. “That kid has been my little boy for way too long for me to give him up or go down without a major fight. Thor can’t take him from me. I trusted him to look after him, but he’s still my son. I’m definitely not letting anyone get in the way of that. Even if the IVF fell through, I’m still a dad”

“Well then you need to work on getting better so you can keep being a dad. You’re good dads, both of you” Pepper said. “But you’re not in the right position to do your best by your kid right now”

“More therapy sessions and things like that” Loki said. “And we need to get in touch with Li Allen”

“Do that soon” Pepper said. “She’ll be able to help you better than I can. I love both of you so much, but there’s only so much I can do. I’m not a professional”

“We’ll sort it” Loki said. “I need to get back to work”

“You need to think about yourself first” Pepper said. “You can’t look after anyone else until you look after yourself”

*

[fishylife]

spoilers for longest day in chang’an ep 23 and 24

I’m halfway through the show and I think that this was a big turning point. Li Bi is no longer in his lofty tower with his crew of intellectuals and now must rely on himself. Same with every other character because now 朝廷 is far too messy and no one can wholly rely on any authority figure.

I knew that Cui Qi was going to die halfway through the show because I spoiled myself like a dumbass. So it wasn’t surprising that it happened. However, I did think that the sequence of scenes could have been a little better executed.

Cui Qi had been wavering between career ambitions and loyalty to the Jingansi for a few episodes, but before episode 23, he’d basically accepted the higher ranking general spot with the 右相. Only in episode 22/23 did he return to Jingansi, but it didn’t really feel like he was returning because he needed to do right by his brother. It just felt like he was returning because he thought it was the right thing to do, and he was bound by morality rather than by love.

The fight scene itself was okay. It wasn’t as refined as some of Zhang Xiaojing’s, but Cui Qi is a more gritty dude, considering his weapon of choice was twin maces. By the way, I was really banking on him whipping out his signature weapon at the very end, because at the very least, he needed to be true to himself.

I’m not totally certain on why Long Bo decided to grant that bit of leniency based on Cui Qi having served in the same squad as him. Anyway, at his death, first Cui Qi had a bite of his bread, which was a tribute to his brother (if I remember correctly), and then on the tag, he wrote Chang’An, which I guess was his other ambition in life, to be there for the people of the city.

During the scene in which Long Bo attacked Jingansi, I thought that Jackson Yee’s performance wasn’t as good as it should have been for such a turning point for Li Bi. When his team was being attacked, Li Bi yelled for the guards, for anybody to help, but they were alone. Li Bi’s dialogue showed his helplessness and his shock, but the delivery just wasn’t there. It really didn’t feel like those words came from the heart like they were supposed to. The words that were said by Li Bi were not the rational, precise words that we would usually hear from Li Bi. They were desperate words by a boy who was mildly panicking. 

Just a side note, Li Bi had called all the scholars back to Jingansi and they were hanging out having goodies before they started working. When they saw Li Bi had arrived, they all scurried over to him and offered him treats. I thought that little part was cute; despite Li Bi technically being their supervisor, I think the scholars, especially the older ones, were perhaps fond of him like a son that they were proud of for being so successful. And when Long Bo had arrived, they were all desperately trying to get Li Bi to hide. Part of that was definitely loyalty, but I think some of that was due to love too.

After the fire, Li Bi went on his own to follow Long Bo, so he’s really on his own now. Li Bi was caught following and taken back to the hideout. I think Long Bo and Wen Ran might try to play mind games with Li Bi, whereas Yu Chang will probably try to beat him up because she’s not so subtle. Somewhere along the way, He Fu may show up. I think if Li Bi talks to any of the four of those characters, we will be able to find out more about their back story. The info they tell Li Bi may not necessarily be that helpful to him, but it would mean something to the audience since we’ve seen more of those characters than Li Bi has.

Now that it’s been established that Tan Qi and Zhang Xiaojing are an item, I’m worried that Tan Qi might be relegated to the “love interest” role. Before, Tan Qi was an extension of Jingansi and despite being a slave, had her own agency and even some authority when acting on Li Bi’s orders. She’s been assigned by Li Bi to help Zhang Xiaojing, but I was pretty sure Zhang Xiaojing could have managed on his own. I think perhaps Li Bi just wanted to have eyes on Zhang Xiaojing, especially because it might’ve been hard for the people in the signalling towers to keep track of him during the festival. Along with the Christian deacon, their first task involved confronting that guy who used to be Zhang Xiaojing’s friend in the army. However, as we could see in that scene though, the deacon and Tan Qi were sort of in the way of Zhang Xiaojing getting real information out. I hope we don’t get more of those scenes. I want to see Tan Qi doing real substantive work, like we know she can.

While I enjoy the Christian deacon as a sort of comedic relief character, as well as a character who had some parkour scenes, I hope he’s more than just a tag along character to Zhang Xiaojing, and that he is able to contribute more to the investigative side of the story.

It seems like the Crown Prince asked 右相 Lin Jiulang to investigate the fire at Jingansi on his behalf. It seemed like Lin Jiulang just wanted to get the matter off of his hands and called on Ji Wen to find the culprit as soon as possible. Ji Wen used the easiest target and pinned Zhang Xiaojing as the culprit of the fire and also of everything bad that had happened that day, including the kidnapping of Wang Yunxiu. 

Now I think Jingansi will become the battlefield of the Crown Prince and Lin Jiulang in the sense that they will use Jingansi as a pawn against each other. In a weird sequence of events, Yao Runeng has sort of become the representative of the scholars of the Jingansi. He was with them from the beginning of the investigation (sort of) so I guess they expected him to stand up for them. He didn’t, and he told the scholars that they have to heed Lin Jiulang’s words, but I think he also did it for self preservation, and the preservation of the scholars’ lives. Yuan Zai had warned Yao Runeng when he was going to confront Ji Wen, but I think Yao Runeng also did want to protect the scholars too. The past few episodes were sort of a coming out for Yao Runeng; he’s stopped being so scared all the time, just wanting to survive and live the rest of his life doing nothing. Instead, I think he realizes that he has a calling here. First it was joining the battle at Jingansi, although he did it a bit late. But I think he will do a bit of his own political maneuvering to get more information, rescue Li Bi, and/or help out Zhang Xiaojing where needed.

It looks like Yuan Zai has become Lin Jiulang and Ji Wen’s default guy to carry out their bidding. However, I refuse to accept that Yuan Zai does not have his own agenda. He has definitely kept Wang Yunxiu with him for political protection. Nobody wanted to let anything happen to her because that would enrage her father, so as a result Yuan Zai himself could be protected too. I also worry that Wang Yunxiu has become a character with no agency. Her only role so far was to get kidnapped, and she’s technically been kidnapped by Yuan Zai too. Like I know Yuan Zai has been treating her well, but as I mentioned about, it really seems like he kept her for political reasons rather than because he actually likes her company. 

General Guo’s been getting more scenes in the past few episodes, with all the messages he’s been delivering to Lin Jiulang, as well as the behind-the-scenes stuff he’s been helping Li Bi with. I wonder if he’s going to continue helping Li Bi.

There’s still a question mark for Wen Ran in terms of how she fits into all of this. We’re probably going to learn more about Zhang Xiaojing’s history with his squadmates, and I think Wen Ran is related to that somehow, considering how her dad died a very strange death in Chang’an.

We also need to find out how Wen Ran and Long Bo are related, to the point that Long Bo considers her his family, and that he’d planned the attack for her.

I think we will also learn more about He Fu’s back story, and maybe more about what exactly Lin Jiulang did to destroy his family. 

I think Lin Jiulang, who was portrayed as the big bad in the beginning and still sort of is, will kind of move to the sidelines. I don’t really think he’s the big bad here. I think he’s just acting out of self interest, rather than anything more sinister than that.

We still haven’t even seen the emperor. From what I’ve seen and heard, it seems like his presence was a little underwhelming, which I get, because we’ve already bonded with all of the other characters already.

I really want to see more of the Crown Prince. I’m pretty sure he has a close relationship with Li Bi, considering Yao Runeng said that he used to supervise them learning and training together when they were younger. However, this Crown Prince isn’t particularly evil or conniving and just seems like a normal dude who’s trying his best. So I want to see how he does his part to help Chang’an, or if he just succumbs to going with the flow of 朝廷.

Yeah, so this half way point was a big change in atmosphere to the story. For one thing, now it’s night time so all the buildings and architecture just feel different. But as I mentioned, Li Bi is on his own so he doesn’t have Xu Bin or his other scholars to give him more information. Now he really has to rely on not only his own smarts, but his own position and reputation (or what remains of it) to not only get out of Long Bo’s grasp, but probably try to get help from 朝廷.

I’m mentally preparing myself because as some people said, the episodes later on get really draggy. But I’m still excited to see how everything unfolds. I’m also excited to see my favourite characters overcome their challenges. 

I’m really falling in love with Chang’an the city, which is first and foremost the main character of the story, let’s be real here. All the characters speak about Chang’an like it’s a spirit or treasure to be protected, and they’re right. What they have in Chang’an is so special. Ahhh I’m trying to be cautiously optimistic but I really am excited. 

[bethhxrmon]

All I Ask of You Pt. 34

“I can never go back, never look back anymore” - “I Can Do Better Than That” from The Last Five Years

Pairing: Peter Parker x Female OC

Word Count: 2.4k

Summary: They’re going back to Seattle!

Warnings: Idk rushed writing????

A/N: So we’re getting to the last stretch of stuff before the end of the story! And if that’s the real truth then this would be the first story I’ve ever finished???? Anywho I may have this done around when Endgame comes out! As always, I love feedback and my masterlist is in my bio!

After nearly a week of preparations, Annie still hadn’t seen her new suit. Harper was insisting on keeping it a secret until they got to Seattle. It left Annie apprehensive, but excited all the same. While there was plenty to worry about, Annie finally took the time to realize that it wasn’t her job to be worried.

It wasn’t her fault that Carnival was going crazy all over New York, he was the one who managed to follow her. Just like it wasn’t her fault that Tony was possibly her biological father. At least, that was what she had learned thanks to the therapy session she’d gone through in the last week.

While she wasn’t sure she wanted to admit it, there was something that Annie loved about therapy that she just couldn’t get from everyone else. It was the one time she was finally sat down and given the chance to sort out her thoughts. Obviously the bad dreams and overall declined mental state weren’t going to be fixed by a few therapy sessions. There was a lot to be done, but Annie didn’t mind that as much.

“You know, I’d wager that you didn’t finish this suit until last night and that you knew this was going to happen,” Annie said, shrugging a bit as they piled into a small private plane.

Harper rolled their eyes, “Whatever you say, but it’s so awesome that it’s getting its own space in the tiny overhead bin. You’re so going to love this!”

“Look, you guys can keep bickering over the new suit, but I’m trying to figure out why we can fly to Seattle but we had to drive here in the first place,” Ned interjected, sitting down.

Harper shrugged, “Who knows, I definitely don’t.”

“Different modes of transportation makes it less likely for you to be tracked. No one’s going to think we’d be in Seattle if we’re operating over here,” Tony explained.

Peter sat down, “You know, I didn’t mind the road trip too much.”

“Says the person who got car sick on the way,” Annie pointed out, sitting next to him.

Tony and Pepper sat a little bit away from the teenagers who were quickly getting into a conversation about whether or not the road trip qualified as a good time. It was clear Harper was the most adamant about their distaste on being stuck in a car for the better part of a week. Which quickly turned into Annie trying to figure out more about her new suit.

“Is it mostly white or is it mostly silver? And if it’s silver is it too flashy?” Annie pressed.

Harper laughed, “You’re acting like I would let you walk out looking like a human disco ball. I would never do that to a friend!” “But it has both colors! And more, it’s so awesome and I think you’re gonna love it!” Ned exclaimed, “Like there’s this one part that-”

“Ned, shut it! I want her to be surprised! It’ll be way more satisfying to see Annie freak out over it in around… well I don’t know how much time, but it’ll be worth it,” Harper claimed.

Peter shook his head, “I’m with Annie, I definitely think you guys didn’t have it done until last night.”

“See? It looks fishy! Thanks, Pete,” Annie said, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

Harper sighed, “You know what we’re gonna have you two do?”

“Hm?”

“Annie, you’re gonna take your boyfriend on a date today and show him around the city. Ned and I are gonna take care of my parents. This way, you two can get out all your annoying PDA and it’s all good,” Harper replied.

Ned laughed, “I don’t think that’s gonna do it.If anything, I feel like it's just gonna make them worse."

"Well, that's rough. I don't have to deal with it when we get back. I'm going to a totally different school from you guys," Harper responded.

Ned pouted, "You wouldn't just leave me alone with them like that, would you? That's so mean!"

"Well, when you put it that way... yes, I would definitely leave you to deal with them on your own. You can take it!" they said with a wink.

Annie rolled her eyes, "You know Peter and I hear everything you're saying, right?"

"You know you guys are so cute it's painful to watch, right?" Harper retorted.

It didn't take much time for them to reach Seattle. Odds were, it was the shortest plane ride Annie had ever been on. Granted, she had only needed to fly once and that was from moving to New York. She seemed to be the one that was waiting for the plane to land. Her nose was pressed against the window, trying to catch a glimpse of something. Though, there wasn't anything to be seen through the clouds.

Peter shook his head, "I don't get it, it's so cloudy."

"That's the best part!" Annie replied excitedly.

He tilted his head to the side, "Yeah? Why's that?"

"I mean, it's almost always cloudy and then it gets rainy and the smell of the rain, that's freaking amazing! And then it's cloudy, but not, like, an oppressive cloudy? And then it gets sunny sometimes, but not so much that it's obnoxious. I don't know... it's just home," Annie explained, turning to face him.

Peter kissed her forehead, "You should get excited like that more often, it's cute."

"Okay, we've had enough of the cute coupley thing, let's get you to see this suit!" Harper exclaimed, rushing off of the plane.

Ned grinned, "It's so awesome, you don't even understand what kind of work we had to put into this thing. It is the best science project I've ever had to work on."

"Meaning we failed. A lot. That's why it took a hot minute, but it was so worth it because you're going to flip your shit, come on, we gotta show it to her!" Harper called out, hoping that would make Tony and Pepper hurry up.

Tony and Pepper eventually got off of the plane, "Well, we can't exactly do that right now. We gotta find somewhere private. Remember how we don't want anyone thinking that there's any reason to suspect us of doing anything?"

"Also meaning that we just don't want anyone thinking that I have powers. Do you guys know how rough that'd be if people figured out I was just born with crazy energy and electricity powers? I'd probably get imprisoned by the government and be forced to live out the rest of my days as a living physics equation," Annie pointed out.

Pepper raised an eyebrow, "Where'd you get that from?"

"Can't trust the government, obviously," Harper explained.

Annie nodded, "And it's easily my number one, absolute worst fear of all time."

"Hey, you don't need to worry about that happening. I wouldn't let it happen," Peter insisted, reaching to hold her hand.

Annie squeezed his hand, "I know."

"Okay, maybe we need a better vibe than this for unveiling a hella cool suit," Ned said, looking at the others.

Harper grinned, "Yep, this is gonna be so great. It's everything I've always wanted to make for you, but didn't have the chance to because I couldn't get the right material without drawing massive suspicion to the both of us."

"I've seen it, and I think it's something that might work," Tony told them.

Harper scoffed, "Might work? It's easily the best thing that you've ever seen in your life. I believe you were about two steps away from offering me a job for my design skills, no?"

"Not happening. I don't need a suit maker," he replied.

They shrugged, "Okay, but those shades of purple clashed so hard when you were wearing a suit that one time. Just saying. You need to do complimentary or the exact same shade for ties and pocket squares. I don't make the rules, I just enforce them."

"Are you trying to get a job or get shipped back to New York?"

"Both," Harper claimed, "Now where's the cool little side room place we can go to?"

Tony sighed, "If you'd keep quiet, maybe we'd get there faster."

"It definitely doesn't work like that."

After what felt like forever to Annie, they finally got to a room where they could unpack the small briefcase that held the new suit. Harper also looked like their hands were shaking just a little bit. They set it on an empty table.

Annie stared at the brown, leather briefcase and didn't move. How was she supposed to even begin to open it? If she did, that was almost too much of a move for her in some way. She'd have to leave behind the old suit. Which was for the best, but was she even ready to test it out? It was only then that she realized she hadn't tried being a superhero since everything with Carnival. There was no way she'd be ready.

Harper looked at Annie and then back at the briefcase, "Um... you gonna open it?"

"Y-yeah, sure," Annie replied and stepped up to the table and unlatched the briefcase.

Once the briefcase was opened, Annie's dark eyes widened and she covered her mouth with her hands. She jumped up and down screaming and hugged Harper tightly. The suit was a blend of white and different shades of grey. Somehow it was exactly what she had always imagined whenever she tried to think about what she wanted to look like when gliding around the city.

Harper laughed, hugging back their friend, “You know? I think this means I was successful. See, I wanted to keep the original look we had going. I wanted to have the same half-face kinda domino mask where everyone sees your eyes, but I had no clue what to do with the hood. That’s mostly aesthetic and you can choose if you want it up or not.”

“It’s perfect, I-I can’t… you thought of everything!”

“Um… actually that’s my job. You have an amazing AI and it’s synced up to your phone so you can contact whoever,” Ned explained.

Annie grinned, “Wait, so I get to have a little, like… Siri type of thing?”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t have to be named Siri, it’s whatever you’d wanna name it. Keeping in mind I programmed it so that it kind of sounds like Idina Menzel,” he said.

Annie’s jaw dropped, “You’re kidding! I owe you both big time!”

“Hey, just go out there and patrol the city one last time, that’s all you gotta do,” Harper said, “And one more thing… you know the feathered texture around the sleeves?”

“Yeah.”

“They’re secret pockets and I stashed some knives in them for you in case things get out of hand,” they explained, “But anyways, get suited up and test it out!”

Before Annie really knew what she was doing, she was in the middle of the city, feeling the new suit clinging to her body. It had been quite a few months since she had last been in the city, but it didn’t take long for her to get to the top of a building and start almost right from where she had left off.

It was just an average day, no major crimes, but that didn’t change the fact that Annie was more than happy to do what she could. Even if it was something as simple as helping a lost kid find his parents, that was better than nothing.

After a couple of hours filled with testing out the new suit was when Annie’s AI decided to start talking.

“Harper is contacting you, would you like to answer?” asked a voice.

Annie nearly dropped from the rooftop she was on, “Um, not yet, hold on, you’re the suit AI?”

“Yes, I have been programmed to mesh with your personality as needed.”

“Do you have a name?”

“No.”

“Oh, can I give you one?”

“I suppose.”

“I’m gonna name you Eve!”

A little while later, Annie caught up with Peter when she learned Harper and Ned were still trying to get back the same designs they came to get in the first place. Not that Annie minded, they could take as long as they wanted to. She just wanted more time in Seattle, but she knew that no amount of time was going to prepare her to leave.

“Hey, you said you wanted to show me something?” Peter asked once she was back in normal clothes.

Annie nodded, “Yep! Only the best coffee house in this entire city. There’s a lot of coffee places, but this one is the best. I’ve tried all of them.”

“Yeah? You seem almost obsessed.”

“Well, in my defense… yeah, it was a huge obsession. But it was something my dad and I used to do. But since he can choke, you’re gonna come with me instead,” she replied with a small smile.

As they walked, raindrops started to hit both of them. Peter started to move a little bit faster, but Annie still went at the same pace.

“It rains in Queens too, you know,” Peter said.

She shook her head, “It’s not the same, I don’t know how to explain it.”

“You know… you don’t need to. This is the happiest I’ve seen you in months,” he told her, squeezing her hand.

Annie’s eyes lit up, “Hey, maybe this is super weird, but am I the only one who’s always wanted to kiss in the rain?”

“I feel like you’ve done that already.”

“Not with you,” Annie pointed out.

Peter laughed a bit before pressing a quick kiss to her lips, “Now let’s get out of the rain!”

“Well, we’re basically here,” Annie replied, opening the door of the coffee shop.

“Annika Hardwick, you’ve got a lot of nerve coming here,” said the barista.

Annie stopped, “Um… I’m just wandering around.”

“With… I wanna know who your new boy toy is,” she responded, batting her eyes.

Annie sighed, “Peter. He’s a friend.”

“Who I just saw you kissing two seconds ago.”

“I just wanted to order some coffee,” Annie said, “So maybe we should just get this over with.”

“But you’ve been gone so long! How many more relationships did you screw up?”

Peter opened his mouth before Annie spoke up, “That wasn’t me, you know that. Anyways. I’ll have one caramel latte and one green tea latte.”

Maybe Annie wasn’t going to miss Seattle as much as she had originally thought she was going to. If she had known what was going to happen, or who would be there, she would not have gone.

Tag List (if you want to be added, please ask!): @flushings-here / @gaypanda / @twilightparker / @parkerpuff / @ganseysblues / @dolphinsarecuteandstuff / @buzzinglee / @lcy-thot / @moonstruckholland

[xfirechickx]

Arrow Rewrite

So I’ve (finally) caught up with the latest seasons of all the DCTV shows on Netflix, and to the utter surprise of no one, including myself, Arrow has definitely not gotten any better since the first two seasons, and the only good thing that’s come out of this train wreck of a show since killing off the Black Canary, is bringing Katie Cassidy back as the Black Siren. But still, to say that this show is a huge disappointment is a gross understatement, so much so, that the only reason I still watch is for Katie and for the annual crossovers. But, to actually make keeping up with the show tolerable, I had to pretty much mentally rewrite most of the show and headcanon the shit out of it, and make my way through with all the denial I can manage. So, this is how I like to pretend that the show actually went. And even though I doubt anyone will read this - this is more for my getting my thoughts down -  bear in mind, this is super anti F*licity with all the nolicity feelings I have. Also, after reading a whole bunch of posts with the same feelings as me, this became a sort of mashed clusterfuck of ideas that came together from everywhere.

SO first of all, Laurel is a metahuman, you know, like she should have been. What the fuck was the idea behind not giving her actual powers? That’s just stupid. So yeah, either Laurel was in Central City when the particle accelerator exploded, or some other freak accident gave her the canary cry. I don’t care how it happened, it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that Laurel is the team’s meta, and it caused her to want to don a mask even before Sara was killed.

Next, I’d like to think that she got the hang of street fighting a lot faster. Like, I appreciate that it took her awhile to be able to handle herself on the streets, but this “Oliver is the best fighter” mindset is absolute bullshit. Ik we’ve all been thinking of the Arrow as a bargain-bin Batman (and the horrendous bullet we dodged that was the mere suggestion that F*licity could ever be anything close to Oracle didn’t help), but I am so sick of Oliver’s fighting abilities being thought of as if he was the freaking Batman. Bullshit. I’ll admit, Oliver can fight and hold his own; he’d have to to be a vigilante facing down supervillains on a constant basis, that’s fine. But the Black Canary is one of the best fighters in the DC universe, and I will be damned if that was never acknowledged here. 

So the way I see it, Laurel not only kept up with Oliver and Roy while on patrol, but after he came back from his new life in Ivy Town, Oliver comes to realize that she’s actually better than him. Like, I want them to be out on the field, and she’s literally outdoing him at every turn. And at first, he’s all, “Damn, I must be a bit rusty,” but it becomes clear after a couple more episodes, when he no longer has that excuse, that she’s actually running circles around him, whether it’s on patrol or while they’re sparring. In fact, I want an entire scene of them sparring in the bunker, and as distracted as everyone else is doing their own thing, everyone can clearly see that she’s holding back, and Oliver thinks that her head’s just not in it.

Oliver: Come on, I know you can do better than that!

Laurel: Nah, it’s okay. This is a good pace.

Oliver: Come on, you’ll never get better if you don’t give it your all. Let me have it!

And then she brutally knocks him on his ass.

“Lucky shot,” he grumbles as he gets up and gets ready for another round, and Laurel has a look on her face that’s almost annoyed, but honestly, she’s been waiting for forever to knock him down a peg. Diggle, Thea, and Roy are trying not to laugh in the background.

And speaking of Thea and Roy, holy shit, Roy doesn’t leave! Whoever came up with that idea needs a good smack. Team Arrow comes up with literally any other plan and Roy fucking stays! Thea, is instead given the mantle Artemis with her own outfit. Yeah, ik it still wouldn’t give us the Artemis Crock storyline, but it’s still better than the Evelyn Sharp bullshit that we ended up with. We currently have two tech geniuses on the team, what’s wrong with three archers? They could continue having their relationship ups and downs as subplots as the show goes on. I would even like that at some point, they decide to get their own place together, and Thea decides to sell her old apartment (you know, the one she was brutally stabbed in) to afford a nice one with Roy. And I would like F*licity try in vain to hide how much of an asshole she is by getting all indignant about it. Like, Thea offers to sell it to F*licity first, but she tries to spin it like, “You didn’t want it anymore, so I took it, so it’s mine now?” And everyone’s like, “What? No, that’s literally her apartment, which she bought with her father’s money? Idk how the hell it came to be thought of as yours anyway?” And she eventually has to break down and either buy it or move out because Thea and Roy have their hearts set on getting their own place.

As far as nolicity goes, I always thought that they would at some point have a brief relationship (a ship that I originally didn’t care for, but quickly became my ultimate notp) which would be doomed from the start due to having little to no romantic chemistry, and even though F*licity definitely had a strong sexual attraction to Oliver, she mostly seemed to view him as an older brother; or at least, Oliver viewed her as a slightly annoying younger sister.

But because of Guggenheim’s constant interference, the will-they-won’t-they crap just kept dragging on and on and on until holy fuck I have negative five care points to spend on these two assholes, just give me more BC! Their relationship has to be the most boring aspect of the show, something that’s definitely not helped by the fact that F*licity is an emotionally abusive and manipulative piece of shit Mary Sue. Seriously, for the amount of times that she’s been really vocal about how hypocritical and controlling she is, it just boggles the mind how few times anyone has called her out for it. I say few, because it has happened before, twice I believe, once by Oliver, who calmly insisted, “Enough,” and once by Ray Palmer after she threw his dead fiance in his face. Classy lady, isn’t she? But the farther this show goes on, the more she gets away with and the more infuriating it is that Oliver becomes the bad guy in her place. And holy shit the fact that literally everyone needs to assure Oliver - and the audience - that they are, in Guggenheim’s world, the perfect couple. I honestly can’t tell anymore if he actually believes this, and is just trying to shove his own weird obsession with EBR down everyone else’s throats, or if he’s just trying to get those of us who don’t like the ship to come to the dark side. Either way, I’m not buying any of this shit. SO, for every time that there’s a character to remind everyone how “good” Oliver and F*licity are together, take a shot, and then block out their words and then replace them with various observances and reassurances on Oliver’s behalf. I’d like to think that those closest to him, like Diggle, Laurel, and Thea were totally ready to call F*licity out on her shit whenever she started taking things out on Oliver, but he would subtly shake his head and calmly assure them later on that “F*licity’s right, I’m wrong. But no really guys, we’re totally happy together, I’d just appreciate it if you guys not confront her because she’s the queen of right on every subject ever and I’m just lucky to be with her.” 

And the rest of Team Arrow just reluctantly agrees not to say anything unless Oliver is the one to bring up that he has a problem with her, but are totally ready to throw down at moment’s notice. Even people outside of Team Arrow notice it and tend to comment, with characters like Mick and Constantine on the crass side of the spectrum with phrases like “Does she occasionally let you take your balls out of her purse?” and more sensitive words from people like Barry and Sara, who actually try to get it through his head that, despite what F*licity says, not everything is his fault, and he does not deserve to be kicked around by her over situations that he had little to no control over (Samantha and William, anyone?)

And then there’s Damien Darhk. Hoo boy, my hate towards him killing Laurel burns with the fury of a thousand suns. There was literally no reason for it, you know, besides eliminating her as a threat to Nolicity. Except, she wasn’t even a threat?? It was pretty clear that Laurel and Oliver weren’t even considering a romantic relationship, and even I, as a hardcore GA/BC shipper, didn’t even want them to get back together at this point. Despite the unintentional victimization of Oliver, Laurel absolutely did not deserve any of his shit. So, as much as I wished that F*licity was the one who died, Laurel was still targeted by Darhk in order to get back at Lance, but she doesn’t just die and that’s it! She gets to be critically injured - getting intentionally stabbed by a former member of the League of Assassins tends to be pretty life-threatening - but she does get to heal while in the hospital and make it back out onto the field to continue as BC.

Hell, I’d even be okay with her actually dying that night if, and only if, they brought her back. For a universe based on superhero comic books, Guggenheim and company seemed to have totally forgotten (or just outright ignored) how often characters get brought back from the dead, at times in pretty nonsensical ways. But here, there was a way to conceivably bring her back; there were three in fact: In Arrow, the Lazarus pits would have been available; Flash could have brought her back with the introduction of Flashpoint, or you know, Sara, who happens to captain a fucking timeship could have brought her back, either by manipulating the timeline, or by pulling a Kingsmen II and had just shown up right after Darhk stabbed Laurel to revive her. I would’ve happily gone along with Team Arrow believing that Laurel was dead if the plot twist was that the Legends brought her aboard the Waverider so that Gideon could heal her.

Sidenote: ik that this would have never have happened simply because all of the Arrowverse shows have to check in with each other to some degree so that they’re all on the same page, but wouldn’t it have been absolutely fan-fucking-tastic if, after Arrow had confirmed that BC was for sure dead and wasn’t coming back, that Flash and LoT just totally undermined it. Like, if Laurel was brought back with either Flashpoint or the Waverider, and KC’s just hanging out on a different set while Arrow just tries its damnedest to discredit them?

Arrow: She’s dead.

Flash/LoT: Well she was, but she got better.

Arrow: She’s def not coming back.

Flash/LoT: Not until you learn to be nice to her anyway.

Arrow: She’s not the real Laurel. Our Laurel is D E A D

Flash/LoT: Nope, this is definitely her, and she’s going on cool adventures with us because SHE’S A DAMN GOOD CHARACTER AND YOU DICKBAGS NEVER DESERVED HER

All the while more of Arrow’s fans flock to every show except Arrow until the assholes in charge of the decision to kill Laurel finally have to (publicly) beg to have her back because literally no one will watch their shitty show anymore without BC, and then they’re forced to respect her character and give her a fair amount of screen time. That would just be poetic justice in my book.

So as season 5 kicks off, Oliver, Roy, AND Laurel take in and train the new recruits to join Team Arrow. I don’t have much to change about this season except that since Laurel isn’t dead, and as much as I like Juliana Harkavy, there’s literally no reason to bring in Dinah Drake. Also the shared hallucination in the Invasion! crossover partially rekindles the romance between Laurel and Oliver, which actually feels pretty heartfelt and like it could possibly lead to them getting back together for real. 

And then F*licity ruins it because that’s what she does.

F*licity and Oliver get back together and things progress normally, with the rest of Team Arrow quietly building up a resentment towards the abusiveness of their relationship. I’d also like to think that since Curtis had progressed as a team member, that there’s a slight undertone of “what is she even here for anymore?” among them. Like, whenever she butts in with her hypocritical opinions, someone else will actually step in like, “Hey, you’ve had a long day, so why don’t you go ahead and go home. Don’t worry, Curtis knows what he’s doing, so we’ve got this. Yes, we’ll call you if we need something, but don’t worry. You’ve worked hard today! You deserve a break!” Meanwhile, the rest of the team is literally patching themselves back together with bandages and whatnot, blood and sweat everywhere, all giving each other The Look™ when she nods like, “Yeah, you’re right, I could use a hot meal and a shower. Plus, this tracking system is so simple an idiot could use it, just try not to fuck it up while I’m gone.” Still, no one says anything because Oliver is back to trying to make it work between them, and she occasionally helps William with his homework, so he can’t complain.

William btw, while appreciating the fact that F*licity brings intelligent conversation with her, has not forgotten how much of a bitch she was when trying to save him. Sure, he wasn’t present while all the shit-talking was going down, but there was no way that Samantha didn’t mention it at least in passing later on. “I’m amazed at how much Oliver has grown as a person. He was a real jackass when I knew him before, but he was genuinely worried about you and how we’d get you back. I just wish that the blonde chick he was working with wasn’t being such a pain about it. Like she had any right to any of our business, or any right to be a bitch about the rescue mission.” At this point, nolicity’s domestic life is pretty much out of some crappy fanfiction, and I will be damned if William doesn’t get to bring up F*licity’s pettiness at least once.

And since F*licity apparently feels threatened when Oliver’s past love life gets brought up, William tends to go to his Aunt Thea whenever he feels the need to talk about his mom without having to feel as if he’s the one bringing up a touchy subject. She’s also the one to get him out of the house whenever Nolicity gets especially nauseating at home, and he ends up growing a bond with the rest of Team Arrow in the process. While he still doesn’t want Oliver to be the Arrow anymore, he grows to respect the rest of the team, and ends up with all of their numbers in case he needs any of them to kidnap him for the day. He gets to spend some time in the bunker while they’re out on missions (with Diggle under the hood, of course). Funnily enough, after one mission without F*licity or Oliver, he asks Thea, “So what exactly do you need F*licity for anyway?” And Thea explains that she’s usually down in the bunker handling all the tech stuff while they’re all out in the field, but then he says, “Yeah, but Curtis was handling all that and working in the field??” And Thea and Roy exchange The Look™ again and change the subject.

Things finally come to a head during the Crisis on Earth-X crossover. Oliver, totally taken by the magic that is WestAllen still proposes during the rehearsal dinner, and F*licity, still very publicly says no. Classy. Naz*s invade and everything goes to shit, and Oliver and F*licity still try to make things about them while shit is literally falling apart around them, and to the people whose wedding actually got ruined for some reason. To her credit, Iris doesn’t outright tell F*licity that she’s being a self-obsessed drama queen at what is literally the worst possible time, but she does put out a few comments that both remind F*licity that it was in fact Iris’s day that was ruined, and gets her to shut the fuck up.

F*licity: Oh, wah! Oliver and I had a fight and then naz*s ruined any chance of makeup sex! Wah!

Iris: They literally ruined my wedding and abducted my groom.

F*licity: *internally* oh fuck I forgot about that

Meanwhile on Earth-X:

Oliver: Oh, wah! F*licity said she wouldn’t marry me after I proposed at your rehearsal dinner! Wah!

Barry: Yeah, what the fuck was that about anyway?

Oliver: Ikr? She wouldn’t say yes even after all the beautiful things that were said during the speech! If that doesn’t scream romance, idk what will!

Barry: I actually meant, why the fuck would you propose at the rehearsal when you can do it at literally any other time that isn’t supposed to be about Iris and I getting married?

Oliver: There was magic in the air!

Barry: *facepalm*

No, but the conversation between Barry and Oliver would go on to a touching, if not repetitive explanation about how Oliver was so taken, not just with Barry and Iris’s union, but the idea that Barry has been able to balance his life as a hero and his personal life. Oliver had once told him, “Guys like us don’t get the girl,” but Barry actually did it. And Oliver was envious, because his own life was one clusterfuck after another, with an on-again-off-again relationship that he’s only sort of making it work, and after the Dominator’s simulator, he realized how much he wanted his life as Oliver Queen to be fulfilling and filled with love, and how much he wants a partner in both halves of his life, like Barry and what he has with Iris. And throughout all this, Barry listens and quickly notices that throughout his whole explanation, Oliver never once uses F*licity’s name; he doesn’t even bring her up specifically. Barry probably means to point this out, but Oliver brushes him off thinking that he’s just going to tell him off some more, because that’s what he’s come to expect from having F*licity around all the time, and that’s what people who love you do, right?

It’s actually Snart’s doppelganger who points this out (after eavesdropping on their entire conversation) and suggests that maybe Oliver just hasn’t found the right person to be his partner the way he wants. “Just look at Barry and Iris, or me and Ray.” Oliver shrugs him off too, and just resigns himself to the loneliness of either being without F*licity, or being with her in all the wrong ways.

They get back to Earth-1, Supergirl is saved, yadda yadda yadda. I would like to change Stein’s death into him also making a miraculous recovery and leaving the show still intact. Just, using naz*s to kill off a Jewish character? REALLY?? Fuck all of that. Anyway, Barry and Iris still decide on an impromptu wedding right after *insert literally any event that doesn’t involve killing off Martin so disrespectfully* and Barry still brings Diggle to perform the ceremony, and Joe, Cecile and Wally are present because of course they fucking are. You could even argue for Cisco and Caitlin, but it doesn’t matter to me as much if they’re there. So Barry and Iris exchange vows, say their I do’s, and-

Fucking F*licity interrupts. Because of course she fucking does. “Would you marry us, too? Would you marry me?” A moment of silence and then everyone just explodes.

Barry: Seriously, though? After waiting my entire life for this, two more seconds is literally all I could have asked for

Wally: I’m a speedster, and I could have waited a couple more seconds

Iris: Really? Can I not just have one (1) wedding go uninterrupted?

Joe: In retrospect, we probably should have waited until these assholes left and done this at STAR Labs or something

And F*licity just gets overwhelmed because she’s literally never had so many people tell her she was wrong in her entire fucking life and Diggle tries to mediate (no matter how much he agrees with the rest of Team Flash).

Diggle: F*licity, you don’t even have a marriage license.

F*licity: Oh, no, it’s okay, John! We could just share the moment with Barry and Iris, and then go get a marriage license when we get back to Star City and have our own wedding there.

And then everyone explodes again because, seriously what the FUCK? “So I have to share my second interrupted wedding, and you’re just going home to have another one of your own?” And literally everyone is so fucking frustrated and angry, even more so because they all knew they should have been celebrating at that very moment but F*licity seems to think her awkwardness is still cute when it might just be the most infuriating thing ever. Finally she turns back to Oliver, who hasn’t said anything since she proposed like, “Hey?! A little help here?!” And Oliver is busy with finally seeing her without the rose-colored glasses and seeing her as the selfish and problematic person she is and it’s fucking glorious because he’s just so calm but everyone hears him when he just says, “No.”

F*licity: What? NO? What do you mean, NO?

Oliver: No, F*licity, as in, no, I’m not gonna help you ruin their second wedding, no I’m not going to defend you after fucking this up, and NO I won’t marry you. Not here and definitely not now.

Everyone else is pretty taken aback because up until now, no one’s ever told Queen Fefe off and they’re all doing an internal happy dance at how, for once, Oliver isn’t backing her up. Oliver and F*licity have a staring contest, F*licity waiting for him to back down, and Oliver holding his ground, until F*licity, finally realizing that she’s been unanimously outvoted, just storms off without saying anything, probably expecting Oliver to come running after her to apologize. But he doesn’t. He actually just quietly apologizes to Barry and Iris, and stays in his place as a groomsman (best man, my ass) and stands and waits for Cecile to take up her new place as matron of honor (how the fuck Fefe got that position is beyond me) all the while having this look on his face that says “It had to be done, but I’m gonna catch serious hell when I get home.” Diggle repeats himself in pronouncing Barry and Iris as husband and wife, they kiss, and the crossover ends with an UNBLOCKED shot of them two while their remaining wedding party claps it out.

I would keep everything in the gift scene in next episode of The Flash exactly the same except for Iris’s line is changed to, “Okay, not on the registry, but I guess trying to get married during our wedding wasn’t on the registry either. I’m not bitter.”

The whole wedding reception scene in Arrow is also completely done away with, and replaced with a long-awaited breakup scene, the one to end all breakup scenes (between nolicity anyway). Down in the bunker, it starts off with (what else?) F*licity trying to blame everything on Oliver. “Shit like this is why I didn’t wanna marry you. And then I put MYSELF out there and what do I get? Rejected, that’s what! I get rejected and humiliated in front of everyone!” And then she rambles on and throws in a couple references of the island and how he hasn’t changed since his frat boy days for good measure. Some guilt tripping and a few hypocritical statements later, and then she ends it. Or, at least, that’s what it’s supposed to be, but it really comes off as more of a threat to end it. Her closing statement sounds a lot like “You better straighten up because you’re damn lucky to have me.”

And Oliver just kind of silently stews until she finishes and he immediately jumps into how far he’d obviously come since his five years on the island, and how unfair it was for her to throw that in his face, and even worse how she tried so hard to justify butting her way into Barry and Iris’s special moment to further put herself in the spotlight. She tries to butt in a couple times (like she does) but gets immediately shut down because hell to the fucking no that was not okay. It ends with them trying to yell over each other, and F*licity yelling, “Well maybe I shouldn’t even be on this team anymore since you’ve made it pretty clear that you don’t need me!” right as the rest of the team walk in. They immediately try to backtrack, but F*licity, being her usual dramatic self yells, “No! No, you stay! I’ll go! He obviously doesn’t need me anyway!” and just leaves.

The rest of the team is just so shell shocked and embarrassed at having walked in at that exact moment (they’d all secretly been hoping to be there at that exact moment because that’d mean they’d officially have permission to drag F*licity the way she should have been several seasons ago) but the moment turned out to be more awkward than anyone could have hoped, so no one really knows what to do. “You alright, Hoss?” Oliver pretends that the past minute never happened and redirects everyone’s attention to the latest update on Cayden James. Meanwhile, Laurel, recognizing that Oliver is going to opt out of dealing with the problem, quietly excuses herself and leaves the bunker after F*licity. And Laurel finds her just outside the bunker, pacing because was she was actually expecting Oliver to run up after her after causing that big scene.

Laurel: That was some fight you guys just had.

F*licity: What, oh that? Nah, Oliver’s just being a jerk. Don’t worry about me, we’ll be-

Laurel: Where the hell do you get off talking to him like that?

F*licity: Wait, what?

Laurel then unleashes the mother of all lectures, bringing up every single problematic thing F*licity has ever said or done, which is pretty much anything and everything anyone has ever had to complain about the Mary Sue-ish nature of her character, every time she’s been an asshole, every time that she and the rest of the team has wanted nothing more than to tell her to shut the fuck up but how Oliver had asked them not to because of how much he wanted their shitty relationship to work, whether they were together or broken up at the time. F*licity tries to keep a stoic facial expression, but it’s pretty clear that she’s embarrassed and angry and incredibly surprised because damn, first Oliver and Team Flash, and now Laurel is calling her out on her shit and she was so far from expecting it. Laurel, to her credit, never even raises her voice, because she doesn’t want the rest of the team to hear and get involved, and she makes it clear that no one is kicking her off the team (if she wanted to leave, then that was her own prerogative) but she’s just so glad that she finally gets to unload everything she’d been holding back since Oliver and F*licity had gotten together and the bitch was not going to worm her way out of it this time. Her rant ends with the sentence, “Don’t think for even a second that you’re in the right about any of this,” and she turns on her heel and heads back down to the bunker while F*licity stays frozen where she stands, still trying to absorb that she’d just been told off, and how no one was going to apologize for it.

In the upcoming days, it seems like F*licity is gone for good; she hasn’t come back down to the bunker or contacted anyone on the team, and the team slowly adjusts to not having her around (and encouraging Oliver in that he did the right thing by breaking it off). Curtis pretty much takes over her role on the team (he’s the third smartest person in the DC universe, dammit! Why in the fuck has he been reduced to Fefe’s sidekick?!) and makes time to go out on patrol with the others and besides not having anyone back in the bunker, the team dynamic really doesn’t change. But just as things escalate with Cayden James, F*licity comes back; she shows up unannounced at the bunker after the team comes back from the field, and insists that she’s ready to resume her role as Overwatch. The rest of the team is pretty iffy considering all the drama that she’d left in her wake, but they agree to take her back because they’d probably need all the help they could get against Cayden. So the show goes on, with some tension still between Oliver and F*licity, but Laurel quickly shuts her up with a look every time it looks like she’s about to start some shit.

Team Arrow obtains the list of people on Diaz’s payroll, and after some celebrating on taking down the bad guy, F*licity announces that she was officially leaving the team. There’s a lot of confusion, since she made such a big deal about wanting to come back, but she explains how she only wanted to finish what she started with Cayden James, and now that the mission is over, she’s ready to go back to a normal life, like what she had originally planned when joining the team back in the first season. This scene is actually a bittersweet one; no matter any of our opinions on how badly this character was fucked up, she was a part of the original team, and her departure from it should be treated like the end of an era. She leaves, but not before assuring them that she would help out if they ever need it.

Idk what the future holds for the plot, but as far as GA/BC being endgame (because they were, dammit) I actually wouldn’t want it to happen in the next season. Now with F*licity gone, Oliver got bumped up from the second to the biggest asshole in the Arrowverse, and like I said before, Laurel absolutely does not deserve his shit. So I don’t want there to be any romantic relationship between them at all, for at least one whole season. Hell, I want them to date other people during this season. At this point, I’d just really like to see their friendship to become more solid. I want them both to come to terms with what happened between them in the past, and decide to extend their partnership. I want Oliver (and the rest of the team) to see Laurel as his equal, not as his potential love interest, and definitely not his sidekick. I want Oliver to start resembling his comic book counterpart at this point. I want him to more frequently crack jokes and become less like a Batman wannabe. It felt like that’s the Oliver we were supposed to get when this show started, after he’d had a chance to deal with some of his trauma.

The eighth season is when Oliver and Laurel start showing romantic interest in each other again. They maybe start flirting while on the field, and eventually they go out on dates without the masks. And at first it’s weird, because of all the history they share, and a running gag where every time they sit down, they’re immediately summoned on a mission (original, ik). But they not only find the time to be together, but they actually realize that the life actually works for them, because there are no more secrets between them anymore. I want them to start calling each other Pretty Bird and Robin Hood and pretty much all the fluffy (and probably smutty) scenes that it would take for their relationship to better resemble their comic book counterparts. And their chemistry is just as good as it was in the first season, when you could just look at Oliver and see just how in love he was with Laurel, only better now that they both share the vigilante lifestyle.

This all eventually leads to them getting married; it doesn’t matter if it happens in the eighth season or the ninth, but the proposal is similar to the 2010 Green Arrow short, where he proposes while in full costume after completing a mission together.

Their wedding could be the premise for the annual crossover, but I wouldn’t mind if it was purely an episode of Arrow. If it’s not a crossover, then I would at least like a brief cameo of Barry and Iris, probably calling or video chatting them before the wedding, wishing them luck because they sadly can’t make it due to having to deal with this season’s villain. But Sara has to be there, for sure; with or without the rest of her team, she needs to be present as the maid of honor.

And their wedding gets interrupted, because of course it does (probs by Orm leading the Atlanteans or some shit) so they break up the wedding party to suit up and join the fight. This is actually the first time we see F*licity since she left. They need her tech skills yet again because Curtis was either incapacitated during the fight, or he’s off on a trip somewhere with the hot police officer from this past season. Anyway, they’re at whatever office/genius bar she’s working at, hovering while she does her thing, and she’s rambling on as per usual until she says something like, “I expected to hear from you like everyday, tbh. I’m honestly surprised everything didn’t fall apart the moment I left.” And everyone just kinda rolls their eyes like, damn, what a bitch. And then she makes it more awkward when it comes out that Oliver and Laurel’s wedding was supposed to take place earlier that day, and it’s like, “Oh, so I guess you are willing to get married, just not to me!” And Oliver has to physically hold Laurel back from cussing her out because, “We need her, okay?”

The episode/crossover ends with the team (and William and F*licity because reasons) back in whatever location they’re using as the Arrow Cave at this point, everyone in full costume, patching up their injuries, and it overall looking like the shawarma scene from the first Avengers movie. And despite having just won the day, everyone’s still sorry that they couldn’t finish the wedding. So, just like how Barry and Iris should’ve had their second wedding in STAR Labs, they decide to hold their wedding in the Arrow Cave. So, everyone still tired and dirty from their recent fight, but it still makes for an interesting ceremony. But it’s mostly because I want Oliver to lift Laurel’s mask the way he would’ve lifted her veil. And not only do they actually have vows, they’re actually pretty fucking beautiful. Like, Oliver’s are about how he’s loved her for most of his life, but how this is the first time where he feels like he’s finally worthy of her, and how he sees her as an equal, and as his partner in both halves of his life. Laurel’s reflect on how they went from friends to lovers, to strained acquaintances, back to friends, to actual partners, and eventually back to lovers. And no matter how many times their paths lead away from each other, they were forever intertwined. And then Diggle pronounces them husband and wife and everyone cheers.

F*licity hangs back from the rest of the crowd that’s hugging and kissing and congratulating, because she really can’t stop herself from thinking “That should have been me,” but she manages to keep it (mostly) classy and only hints towards the thought twice in her rambling congratulations. In the end, she hugs the both of them, and makes her exit right after Oliver and Laurel stroll out to catch their plane to their honeymoon.

[thoughtsafter8]

Mental Health Awareness

Isn’t May Mental Health Awareness month? I think it is. I’m too lazy to google it. Unfortunately for me, mental health month is every month because *surprise* I suffer from several mental illnesses. I don’t really like to talk about the true depths of these illnesses, however, it’s becoming increasingly more difficult to hide the grittiest details of my poor brain. Just a couple weeks ago I had to leave work because I began to suffer a panic attack induced by exhaustion, dehydration, and a med imbalance that had happened because I did that fun depression thing where I feel good for a minute, so I think I don’t need to follow up with my doctor. Anyway, I thought maybe it would help if I just, you know, put it all out there. Maybe some of you guys feel this way. Maybe I truly am the hot mess I think I am and should be snapped into the looney bin. Either way, I think it may take a load off.

So, again, a little about me (the abridged and most current version). I am a 34 (how in the hell?) year old infant teacher’s assistant, student of early childhood education and intervention, mom, and wife. My son has autism and adhd, my husband has had 3 heart attacks in three years, and my daughter is currently treading the waters of gender/sexuality while coming to terms with her own autistic tendencies and the fact that she is a teenager. I decided at the age of 32 to go to college on a wing and a prayer directly after my husband’s first heart attack and suffering the trauma of losing the home we had lived and raised our family in for 10 years. We were, for a short time, homeless. We currently live in public housing and I couldn’t be more grateful in that regard.

Fortunately, our financial situation began to line out earlier this year as my husband’s long-awaited disability hearing was approved. Nearly 3 years of counting pennies, skipping meals, and taking hand outs later I could go to bed without worrying whether I could stretch those 3 chicken breasts in the fridge across 4 days and dreading the summers because I could not fathom how we were going to feed the kids without the help of their school meals. This was a grand old time for my depression because on top of all the worry and the guilt I had the aforementioned responsibility of working my very first job and pinning down 5 classes each through those first few semesters. And that sort of sets the stage for where we are now.

Below I will discuss my diagnoses individually. Yes, they are separate and yes, they are all interwoven. It’s all complicated to discuss and explain, but I’ll do my best.

Clinical Depression: While I only got this diagnosis about 8 years ago, I am certain that I have suffered from depression my entire life. I’ve had life long self esteem and inferiority issues and difficulty with concentration, focus, and relationships, specifically friendships. I’ve maintained thoughts of unworthiness, worthlessness, and guilt, as if I am a burden on those around me. That I cry too much or am too sensitive. I am quite sensitive. A close friend once told me that I am an empath, but that wasn’t a bad thing. Sometimes I do think it’s a bad thing. I’m hard on myself and will judge myself worse and before anyone else.  This is specifically hard to deal with within my family as I have had to take the mantle of advocate for everyone. I’ve spoken at length of the struggles I face getting help for my kids and my husband, trudging through IEP meetings, and calling out people who use words like “retard” and “fag”. I have been forced so far out of my comfort zone that if I allow the depression even the slightest crack it will flood in. I’ve gotten better at this fight, but I still lose sometimes.

Anxiety: This one hasn’t been with me as long as the depression but started once we began to realize something was up with Gunner. Instead of fully recovering from trauma and moving on I love to internalize it. I think I put on a good face most of the time, but it has gotten so bad that even now, with everything that we have gotten through and managed to come out the other side, I do not trust it. I wake every day, not with a smile, but with a suspicion that today will be the day that everything I’ve worked for will come crashing down. My husband will fall sick again, something will happen to one of the kids at school, I’ll lose my job, have a car wreck on the way there, get a phone call that a loved one died or is sick. This sometimes manifests in OCD type behaviors. For example, I wake several times a night to make sure each member of my family is breathing. I have to see their chests rise and fall at least 5 times. I never let my kids wake Jeremy or come in to the house first after outings because I don’t want them to be the ones who find Jeremy dead. I worry. I worry so, so much. Sometimes I spiral and bite my nails until they bleed. For many years I suffered from dermatilomania, a body focused repetitive behavior aligned with self-harm where you basically pick at your skin or scabs to relieve internal tensions. This should be in a category of its own, but as I currently am not suffering from derma, I’ll let it go.

Imposter Syndrome: This is the newest one. And while it is not an actual diagnosis, I had no clue that there was even a word for the feelings that I began having once I started achieving personal successes. I am killing it at school and will graduate soon with an associate degree and 3 state certifications in early childcare and direction. Soon after I’ll begin pursuing a bachelor’s and managed to score a job in my desired field after just one semester in the program at a highly sought-after day care in my area. These are all good things! Amazing accomplishments some one like me should be proud of and own. It’s not that easy though. I’ve touched on this in a previous post, I think. It’s just so hard to see myself as a productive, professional type person. I bounce between feeling as if I don’t deserve my success and feeling crushing guilt at pursuing something that takes so much of my time away from my family, who still very much need me around. I am aware that a lot of people feel this way but combined with everything else I have going on upstairs, it makes it particularly difficult to overcome.

General Fear: Another not-actual-diagnosis, but something that goes hand in hand with the anxiety section of our tour is fear. Soul draining, insomnia inducing, heart breaking fear. Death is a biggy in this department. I fear for Jeremy, my mom, my grandma. Jeremy’s bad heart, my mom because, well, I don’t know what I would do without my mom, and my grandma because she is dealing with so many health issues. These three are the gates and cornerstone holding up my feeble mental fortress and if one of them is removed, everything will come down with them. I don’t really have any friends, so my family is supremely important and dear to me and I am constantly afraid of losing one of them. I also fear for my kids. The unending questions that come along with a kid/kids with special needs or circumstances. Will either of them ever be truly independent? Will Gunner be able to live alone, get a job, hold relationships, drive a car, get married? Will Daphne discover her truth? And in carrying that truth, will the world treat her with kindness? With her friends accept her decision? Am I prepared to deal with all this, god forbid, alone? The fear of doing *all this* by myself is maddening. I’ve never just been Brittany in my entire adult life. I’ve always been one half of a team. Surviving under different circumstances is something that, for over a decade, I never even contemplated. Now it’s every day life and that is terrifying.

With all this being said, and for those of you who don’t know me very well, this doesn’t mean that I’m sitting here hanging by a thread. I am still productive and love my school and work and family. This is all inside and as things have gotten harder to deal with I have come to the realization that I need the help of a professional. For several years I have relied on the help of different medications (currently I take Wellbutrin, Zoloft, and Vistaril. You can research these if you want) but I think it’s the right time for me to seek additional help. As of today, the referral has been submitted and now we wait. I hope to keep things documented through this blog both as documentation and anecdotes to share and as a means of measuring progress (or lack there of) and I hope some of you might share the journey with me. Thanks for listening/reading 😊

[capriswritingnartshenanigans]

First Day in Goodneighbor

John Hancock/Female Sole Survivor, chapter one of Irradiate My Heart. Part two: https://capriswritingnartshenanigans.tumblr.com/post/175661692131/vault-tec-the-memory-den-and-synths Catch it on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14578878/chapters/33689385

After taking a wrong turn, Arabeth finds herself in a place she's not too sure about: Goodneighbor. Overseen by the eccentric mayor and smelling... Well, less than pleasant, her main goal is to get out as soon as possible.

October 28th, 2287

Arabeth wasn't sure of how she ended up outside of a place labeled “Goodneighbor”, and she wasn't sure if she wanted to know what went on inside. The door was made of thick metal, and was set in a wall made of brick, layered on wooden walls, trash-turned-possibly-useful, and other random materials. The bodies just outside the walls and its closeness to a super mutant base was… Unsettling to say the least. Whoever or whatever lay beyond this jury-rigged wall would have to be tough as nails to say the least.

She was brought back out of her thoughts by Piper groaning as though she were in pain. “Blue, we must of taken a wrong turn… A really wrong turn, in my opinion. This is the last place we want to be, aside from, say, the Institute’s room for ‘nabbed people.” Her nose was scrunched up in great distaste. Arabeth looked at the sky, it's pink-purple hues now faded into a much darker coloration since the last time she had checked.

“Like it or not, we’ll need to stay for the night. It’ll be dark soon, and the last thing we need is to piss off whatever that Swan thing is.” Piper’s expression gave the feeling that she was considering the Swan a better thing to deal with, in the dark, than whatever went on in this… settlement. That certainly couldn’t bode well for them if things are that bad…

Arabeth felt a sinking in the pit of her stomach as she grasped the grimy door handle and turned it. The door had to be pushed to open, and as it did, a loud creak met her ears, as did a smell somewhere between a urine-garbage combo and soiled diapers. It took all of her might not to let her lip curl in disgust at the stench; the last thing she needed was to offend those who lived here. Her eyes were met with the old State House, as well as some other business offices-turned-shop-and-home, and a few scattered people. Most paid her no heed, but the one only a few feet from the door seemed to not have any other interest but her. His leather armors and rough, heavily scarred and pocked face gave off a mercenary vibe, but his cold “you shouldn’t be here” glare sent a chill down her spine. She made sure her face was composed and showed nothing as he approached her.

“Well, hey there, pretty ladies. Before you go on in to town, maybe you both should get some insurance, to protect those faces of yours.” He leered at the two of them, his eyes seeming to flicker between that cold glare and an almost hateful anger. Piper snorted indignantly, but before she could say anything, Arabeth drew her 10mm, looking down at it as she turned it in hand, the somewhat dull streetlights glinting off of it. Then, her eyes flickered up to him as her thumb silently clicked off the safety.

“Oh, I don’t know. You might be the one who needs insurance if you don’t back the fuck off and keep your eyes to yourself.” His mouth curved into a snarl, and he had just went to draw his own gun when a gravelly, raspy voice came from the alleyway between the State House and the two shops.

“Whoa, whoa, time out there.” A… well, she wasn’t exactly sure what the speaker was, but his voice was masculine and he certainly had the figure of a human man, but not quite the looks. He was dressed in the old clothes of John Hancock himself, and had she not felt to nervous and unknowing of the situation, she’d probably laugh her ass off. But, as stated, this was not the time to be laughing. “Someone steps through gate the first time, they’re a guest. You lay off that extortion shit.” The man who was previously harassing them both turned away and looked at this newcomer with loathing. He met him halfway, and not knowing what to really do, Arabeth took a few quiet steps towards them.

What do you care, Mayor? She ain’t one of us.” She could almost feel his dislike for this mayor man come off of him in waves.

“No love for your mayor, Finn? I said let her go.” The Mayor would have looked relaxed, except for the slightest tension in his back, though she knew… Fin wouldn’t be able to see that.

“You’re goin’ soft, Hancock. You keep letting outsiders like her walk all over us, one day there’ll be a new mayor.” As the Mayor walked towards Finn, Arabeth noticed a red-headed woman watching both them and her from the alleyway, her eyes not missing a single detail, and the oddest smile on her face.

“Come on, man. This is me we’re talking about here. Let me tell you somethin’...” The Mayor reached out and grabbed his shoulder. Just as Finn was about to push his hand away, she saw a flash of metal and then he was stabbing Finn. Finn groaned and managed to push him away, but then he could only stumble backwards. He tripped and fell, and she watched in surprised horror as he choked on his own blood, a steady stream coming from both his mouth and a near gush from his abdomen. The Mayor spoke up, just as Finn was dying. “Now, why’d you have to go and say that, huh? Breakin’ my heart over here.” Finn’s eyes went wide, then rolled back into his skull as the blood loss finally took. No matter what had become of the world, surely someone dying couldn’t be so overlooked… Yet no one said a word about it, only moved if the blood got too close to their feet.

“Sister. Sister, are you alright?” Her thoughts were pulled back by the Mayor person talking to her. His face was gently concerned, and his knife was now nowhere to be seen.

“I… Yes, I’m fine.” She mentally shook herself, and fully looked at… him? His skin showed heavy scarring and looked very similar to the feral… things she had fought with Paladin Danse on her way to Diamond City. If she remembered correctly, he had called these irradiated people ghouls, though she wasn’t sure if that was a good word for them. “I’m just… still getting used to how things are done nowadays.” His black eyes peered at her, as though searching for something. A few moments of silence later, he nodded, and offered his hand to her. She took it, and found his skin texture to be… interesting, would be a good way to put it.

“Oh, hell, can’t fault you for that. If you’re a real-deal Vaultie, this must be mind blowin’. Welcome to Goodneighbor, Sister.” His eyes moved to Piper, who looked as though she’d bitten into an especially sour lemon. “Ah, Piper, I haven’t seen you in a long fucking time, but I see your papers on my desk every time a new one’s popped out. I think I saw an article on our little town here.” His… well the remainder of his lips twitched at their corners and he seemed to be trying to not laugh. Piper’s mouth switched between a few different expressions before settling into a sort of pained grimace.

“Mayor Hancock, my second least favorite mayor in the Commonwealth! Is it true that-” A loud cough came from behind the mayor, from the red-headed woman. She came to stand beside him, her metal chest-piece’s dark red stains dull in the light. Her eyes were nearly slits, and a wave of foreboding seemed to issue from her. Arabeth almost recoiled, but knew better than to seem rude.

“I’m sure the Mayor has better things to do than be questioned at the moment, Piper. Maybe come by the State House later if you really want to get those answers.” Her voice was void of emotion, except for the slightest hint of… something. All Arabeth knew was that she didn’t trust this woman as far as she could throw her. The mayor laughed, and patted Arabeth on the arm.

“Anyway, Sister, I think you’ll fit right in here... so long as you remember who’s in charge.” He nodded to both her and Piper, then parted from them and headed for the stairs leading to the State House. She watched as both he and the woman entered, then she turned to Piper, who now wore a look of utter disdain.

“So… Do y’think there’s some place we can rent a room here? ...And maybe get some food and supplies? We’re running short.” Arabeth gently shook her backpack, the food they had left including a single bag of radstag jerky, some deviled eggs, and a half-pack of Fancy Lads; so, less than needed. A kind, raspy voice came from one of the two shops.

“If you need supplies, honey, I got all you could ever ask for.”

A couple of hours later, after loading up at Daisy’s and checking out The Third Rail, Arabeth and Piper were now held up in a rented room in the Hotel Rexford, sharing the double-mattressed bed. They scrounged up an old map from Daisy’s older stock, and were now figuring out where they needed to head in the morning.

“I didn’t think a rescue mission could be so difficult. Couldn’t there just be a bunch of big signs saying ‘Detective Here, Come One Come All’?” Arabeth grumbled as she tried to not tear the frail map any more than it already was. Piper snorted as she unwrapped another snack cake, taking a large bite out of it as she shined a flashlight at a better angle.

“C’mon, Blue, we’re gonna end up hurting our eyes trying to do this by flashlight. We’ll take a look at it in the morning; maybe someone can point us in a better direction. Y’know, one that doesn’t end with us getting shot to bits.” She threw the wrapper in the trash bin they’d move next to the bed, then turned back to help Arabeth put the map away carefully. She kept the flashlight up while Arabeth got comfortable in the shared bed, then clicked it off and settled with her back to the other woman. They shared a blanket they’d brought with them (they had brought a blanket and set of easily-condensable sleeping bags just for this occasion; they were using the sleeping bags as sheets as well). Dogmeat curled up at their feet, snuffling into the blanket.

Arabeth’s thoughts swirled around, thinking about what all had happened today. Her failed attempt to refind the old Park Street Station, her… odd greeting into Goodneighbor, the “ghouls” (who turned out just to be overly irradiated people), the eccentric-ly murderous mayor and his red-headed friend… It was so much to process, and as she fell into her usual nightmares, they danced with the murder of Finn, the alleyway assaults she’d been privy to on her way to the hotel, and the horrid process of becoming a ghoul...