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oh-boy-me · 3 years ago

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I just read both the australia and museum post and the chaos levels are top tier, but like imagine the chaos that ensues if lord diavolo discovers about amusment parks and immediately just buys tickets to disneyland. Lucifer is basically the dad trying not to loose his children(lord diavolo included). Lord diavolo wanting to ride a loopy rollercoaster and just having the time of his life! (Also I highkey see diavolo ordering lucifer to make a disneyland in devildom tbh) Also mouse ear headbands!

This..... this took forever

Hey there anon! Sorry it took literally a year to answer this! If you’re still into Obey Me, I hope this was a pleasant surprise.

Also for the first time ever a scenario post is being put under the cut for length purposes. This scenario is 2.6k words Jesus

Please note that the last time I went to Disney was in 2015, so anything that’s newer than that is taken from the extensive reading of Disney advice blogs I read in preparation for this post. Anything older than that is likely from experience.

Also, I tried my best to keep this spoiler free for the attractions that can be affected by it.

So the Devildom DOES have the concept of amusement parks. I slept on this ask for so long that we’ve learned about Devil’s Coast. It seems to be more akin to a smaller-scale theme park, though. Small-ish. I’m used to NYC idk what constitutes as small.

Something like Disney World is on such a larger scale!! When Diavolo heard about that, he knew they had to go.

They are going to Disney World in Orlando because it’s the only one I’ve been to.

Lucifer is REALLY getting tired of these field trips, but there would be no weird animals, and there would be no sobering lessons on global extinction events at a family-friendly amusement park. He. He can handle this.

Solomon has actually been banned from all Walt Disney theme parks. We’re talking blacklist-level banned. He’s barred from ever entering any Disney park ever again. However, this was back in 1976, so this must be, like, his son or something, right? There’s no way this is the same guy. Thought the security guard who let him in.

What did Solomon do to get banned? When asked, he only gave a curious hum. “Yeah, I wonder.”

The place is split into four parks, so they’ll spend one day in each.

Barbatos continued to flex his power as the only one in the group with a brain cell, being sure to get them all fast passes. He even set time back just for the passes while they were booking the rides they wanted to cut the lines for, so if they don’t get used he’s going to be very snippy.

Also for convenience sake this is taking place in an AU where everything is the same but COVID doesn’t exist to shut down some rides and attractions.

Day 1: Hollywood Studios

MC and Simeon basically have to coerce Lucifer into letting everyone run free instead of making them all line up with a walking rope all day. He relents on the condition that everyone checks in periodically so he can at least know they haven’t killed anyone.

Nobody will check in except for maybe Beelzebub and those at Purgatory Hall.

Levi immediately gathered his fellow Star Wars fans (which basically meant calling over Mammon Belphie and Asmo and then pulling in two unsuspecting people suddenly given the title of “Star Wars fan”), and made a beeline for Galaxy’s Edge. There’s a LOT to do there and damn it if he wasn’t going to hit all of it.

First up for their group is the interactive Millennium Falcon Smuggler’s Run. They fail the mission. Levi’s pretty pissed, but everyone agrees that it was fun nonetheless. They really felt like they were doing a mission in the Falcon! Plus, the gameplay element was totally up the alley of most of this group. Simeon does feel a little nauseous from Luke’s jerky steering, though.

Did you know that Diavolo loves Toy Story? He does. He’s very much enjoying the Slinky roller coaster with Barbatos.

Barbatos would rather be spending time at the shows and performances, but oh no god forbid we don’t get an autograph from Doc McStuffins. Lucifer please come find him and save him.

Lucifer somehow wandered into the Frozen Sing-Along Celebration. He wants out. Barbatos please come find him and save him.

In general, Lucifer isn’t a fan of these sorts of places, so honestly he’s just hiding from the others and waiting for today to be over. Barbatos told him that there are parks that don’t revolve around rides and characters, and he’s holding out for those.

Luckily for them Diavolo wants to do LITERALLY everything, and that does include the shows, so Barbatos and Lucifer can have at least some fun today

Levi, Asmo, and Beel are about to start their relay for getting character autographs when Satan shows up out of nowhere and starts dragging everyone over to the Tower of Terror. Solomon bars all attempts to flee on a certain Avatar of Greed’s side.

The line to the Tower is so long, and honestly? Satan feels like the ride didn’t live up to the literal hour they waited to get on. Like yeah it was fun, but way too short.

He voices those thoughts, and Levi, who Satan knows is afraid of heights, is pretty fucking livid and drags him to Rock n Rollercoaster as revenge. Satan hates roller coasters.

As for the others, Asmo and Luke have a lot of fun on the thrill rides. Mammon and Simeon do not. Beel is a little spooked by them but still manages to have fun, while Belphie and Solomon think they’re alright.

Eventually, Simeon gets too sick to move, and they assign him to Luke. They say it’s because he’s too short to ride some of the rides (even though he’s literally not, screw you guys.)

Barbatos messes with time a lil bit so they can enjoy the Fantasmic Show and Fireworks to wrap the day up.

Levi is very jealous of Diavolo’s Doc McStuffins autograph. Somehow Asmo has Buzz Lightyear’s number.

Day 2: Animal Kingdom

Satan is vibrating

He literally instantly sprints to the Kilimanjaro Safari. And good for him; that’s something best done while the sun isn’t high up. The whole gang actually agrees to check that one out, and while Satan isn’t thrilled to be within 50 feet of Lucifer, he’s glad Simeon is there because he remembers how his presence lured animals out in Australia.

Simeon also finds himself pulled along the trails by Satan and parents watch in horror as a gorilla gives him a friendly pat on the back.

If you didn’t know, Animal Kingdom is divided into the two continents of Asia and Africa, as well as the secret eighth continent Avatar (2009). Diavolo heard great things about the Flight of Passage ride, but he totally forgot to tell Barbatos about it, so they’re stuck on a three hour wait line now.

Levi takes Luke on the Everest roller coaster because Simeon saw it in the distance and looked like he was about to cry. Levi wouldn’t shut up about how the yeti effect needs to be fixed and Solomon had to explain that the effect literally couldn’t support itself.

Simeon, having escaped a roller coaster for the first and only time on this trip, grabs lunch with Lucifer and Solomon and they enjoy the Lion King performance together. Solomon’s the only one of them who’s seen the movie, but the others still found it fun. Solomon keeps making up random plot points that don’t exist, though. Remember when Simba was captured by pirates?

Mammon found the Bugs Life show very scary. Normally Asmo would laugh at him, but he’s afraid of any bug he’s never seen before and at least Mammon was afraid of the things that were supposed to get you. They agree that bugs are still not their friends.

Satan has many things to say about the Dinosaur ride and most of them aren’t good. Belphie thought it was pretty ok, though. Lucifer can’t believe there was a sobering lesson on a global extinction event at this family-friendly amusement park.

Diavolo is still in line. Barbatos abandons him. He accompanies Luke to the kiddie fossil thing and actually finds it more tolerable. Oh yeah that’s the other secret ninth continent, Dinoland.

Beel and Belphie spend most of the day together at the various petting zoos. Belphie comes back knowing more than he ever wanted to about conservation. He thought Rafiki’s Planet Watch was going to be about watching other planets, not this one!

Asmo gets very interested in the costumes of the performers, as well as the parrots in the bird show. He could probably make some really colorful designs with those as inspiration.

Nearby, Mammon runs into Kevin and squawks in surprise. The zoo staff spend the next two hours trying to find the bird that escaped.

Diavolo says the ride was worth it, don’t worry.

Honestly this park has a lot of stuff that wouldn’t translate well to a funny scenario post so this part might be a little short compared to the others. I can only talk about a zoo for so long.

Anyone remember the Honey I Shrunk the Kids 4D show? Apparently it closed in 2016 to make room for more Star Wars stuff.

Anyway, at the center of it all there’s the Tree of Life, which is really pretty all day. Lucifer is thrilled to have a decently obvious meet-up place, too. They get to catch the brief awakening show at night.

They’re very bummed to learn the Rivers of Light show isn’t happening anymore, so Levi pulls it up on his phone so they can watch it in spirit.

Then Satan learns about the Wilderness Explorers badges and the others spend the rest of the time preventing too much collateral damage over the fact that nobody told him.

Day 3: Epcot

Finally, Lucifer thinks. Boo, Luke thinks.

Beel didn’t expect this park to be that interesting to him (he’s much more into the wonder and immersion of Hollywood Studios and Magic Kingdom), but then he learned about the restaurants. China, Norway, France, Mexico, Germany, Morocco, Italy, Japan, Canada--Canada? Huh. Canada. There’s so many different restaurants from so many cuisines to try, and yeah he knows that it’s definitely not the same as going to the place and it’s overpriced (sorry Lucifer), but it’s all right there. He makes certain to take MC on a deluxe Epcot restaurant tour.

Oh yeah MC. That’s the first time we’ve heard from them in a while. They’re doing whatever you want them to I guess.

Levi buys so much from the Japanese gift shops that he has to go back to the hotel for a bit to drop his bags off.

Satan and Diavolo aren’t much better, but their stashes are more varied.

Also, Diavolo found Mouse Gear, and bought everyone a pair of ears. Lucifer says that everyone has to keep them on because it’s what Lord Diavolo wants, but he is by far the most upset about them. Mammon snaps a picture and Lucifer throws his DDD into the lake.

Asmo and Belphie decide they’re gonna take it easy this day, and they nab Solomon and Barbatos for some exhibition hopping.

Luke finds Mission Space and please father no Simeon thought he was safe he thought he was safe here no please

Aside from that, though, Luke honestly finds this part of the park boring. He’d have been more interested in these attractions elsewhere, but as a kid he’s in Disney for roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.

Simeon is very grateful that Luke doesn’t have much that he wants to do, because it means that he can enjoy the Gran Fiesta and Living with the Land boat rides and have a single moment where he doesn’t feel like he’s about to be sick. He’s not even afraid of the rides; he just gets motion sick easily.

Asmo makes sure to see the Chinese acrobat show, and Mammon catches that with the show-hopping gang since there isn’t much he wants to do here either.

Epcot has alcohol and Solomon hasn’t been able to drink in ages so he really wants to spend some time doing that with MC. No demons allowed, thank you very much. He doesn’t hold his liquor as well as he’d like you to believe, but he just gets really talkative when drunk so it’s ok.

Epcot is a nice day to take a breather and Lucifer and Barbatos definitely needed a breather before tomorrow.

Day 4: Magic Kingdom

This is the day Diavolo has been waiting for. The crème de la crop, the best park for kids and kids in a future king of the Devildom’s body.

Also I feel like now is a good time to mention that this probably isn’t a reasonable order of events because I don’t remember the map layout of these places idk Disney city planning

This time. This time, Levi, Asmo and Beel are gonna get those autographs, dammit. Levi doesn’t even know who half of these characters are but hell if he’s not getting their autograph.

Mammon actually really loves the mascots too, but he’s embarrassed about it so he’ll only try to get one if he can use the guise of MC wanting one. MC, please help him out

Belphie isn’t big on rides, but he does have a soft spot for the more retro ones like Dumbo and Seven Dwarves. And like I said before, Beel loves Magic Kingdom for its wonder. So Belphie is perfectly happy being led (read: piggybacked) around by Beel today, because their favorite attractions match up pretty well here.

Actually, Beel’s favorite Disney movie is Lilo and Stitch, but. RIP Stitch’s Great Escape ride 2004-2018

Diavolo and Lucifer take a moment to enjoy the Carousel of Progress, and they reflect on how much the Human World is always changing and how much about it they still don’t know. It really does make them think, like. Grandma found the VR games at Christmas! The Devildom doesn’t have grandmas!

Mammon is terrified of the Haunted Mansion ride, and Satan has literally never felt so much schadenfreude in his life.

Mammon’s afraid of most rides to be fair, but he likes water rides, so Levi eventually takes pity on him and they go on Splash Mountain together more than once.

The Peter Pan ride broke down

Luke wanted to go on Space Mountain and Simeon was the only one around, so. RIP Simeon ????-2021

Diavolo was That Guy. If you know, you know.

Beel accidentally spun the teacups way too fast. Not even Solomon got out of that one unscathed.

Following that, Solomon manages to drag Barbatos onto the Jungle Cruise while Lucifer is busy. What is Lucifer busy with? Riding the Buzz Lightyear shooting ride over and over until he hits every single target and gets a perfect score at a Disney ride, something that is normal to want and possible to achieve. Anyway, Barbatos finds it really charming and Solomon finds it a nice break that he didn’t know he needed.

While looking for a food place that sells water for a reasonable price, a kid runs up to Asmo asking for a picture and autograph. He’s kind of confused, but goes along with it to make the kid happy.

Turns out, Asmo’s so naturally charming that they mistook him for a prince. Other groups see that family and follow suit. Mammon eventually catches wind of it and shows up to charge a fee. The parents are pretty sure Disney doesn’t charge fees like that, but their kids really want a pic with Asmo so they hand over the two bucks. (“Oh it’s so low” come on Mammon’s not a dick to children.)

And that’s the story of how Mammon and Asmo ended up in Disney Jail. You’re very much not allowed to pretend to be a cast member and then charge money for it. Lucifer has to bail them out as their “guardian,” and as punishment they aren’t allowed to opt out of It’s a Small World.

Small World isn’t that bad imho, and those like Diavolo, Satan, Simeon, and Levi would like it a lot. But Lucifer has been playing parent all day, Belphie does not like the noise, and Solomon has literally been on this ride at least fifty times. Very mixed feelings on this one, but it feels fitting to end with that and a fireworks show.

All in all though this wasn’t the worst trip Lucifer’s been on (cue everyone applauding for some reason).

Barbatos by far had the least fun of them all because for four days he was stuck in a park where the mascot is a fucking rodent and he wasn’t allowed to annihilate Mickey Mouse where he stood

“Disneyland Devildom when” “Lord Diavolo, no”

Masterlist

#obey me #obey me headcanons #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #obey me diavolo #obey me barbatos #obey me luke #obey me simeon #obey me solomon #my favorite park is def epcot and my favorite ride is def splash mountain #also my sister helped me out by reminding me about animal kingdom but most of her photos were of random birds

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descentivity · 3 years ago

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Depression, Trauma, (and Most Importantly,) My Thoughts on Hello Charlotte EP1 & 2

Eating has been difficult for me for as long as I remember. It started off as an aversion to food, in favour of spending my time more efficiently on what my dumb little mind viewed as more important: Homework, video games.

Over time, it turned into anorexia. I had already gotten used to eating just under 500 calories a day, and my depression took my poor habits and twisted them into a cowardly and slow attempt at suicide.

On my road to recovery, I’ve found that years of poor eating choices have lead to my body struggling to process food. I have to eat at a painstakingly slow pace lest my stomach turns against me, and the smell of food is sometimes enough to diminish my appetite altogether. My bowel movements are, for lack of a better word, a shitshow.

This brings me to today, the 10th of August, 2021. 6 or so years of barely eating enough to survive later, I’m setting the world record for the slowest consumption of a fillet o’ fish in the history of mankind.

In my absolute boredom and unfathomable stomach pain, ManlyBadassHero’s playthrough of some random horror game (I can’t remember the name) appears in my YouTube recommended, and I’m reminded of a horror game I bought on sale on Steam, the last of a trilogy. In all honesty, I only bought the game because it was dirt cheap and one of my sisters’ names is Charlotte. I was too horrified at the time to process the story nor play the previous two games, so I did a quick achievement run and left it at that. I was certainly very confused as I had no idea who any of the characters or what any of the concepts were, but the gore had me too mortified to go and find out myself.

A year later, I’m looking the trilogy up on ManlyBadassHero’s YouTube channel, and decide to start from the beginning of his Hello Charlotte journey, in 2016.

Hello Charlotte EP1

I’m going to be completely honest with you, the first game really didn’t resonate with me too well. It was a cute, quirky, RPG Maker horror game, with two loveable main characters and an interesting world. However, with context from the third game, the events felt too self-isolated and inconsequential. Felix and Charlotte are in a little self-contained TV world created by a fictional race called Pythia - creatures with 3 or 4 eyes that can create miniature dimensions, once brought into a hivemind by an “Oracle,” which seems to be some sort of god. They all seem to be falling apart and have taken a horrific turn as most of the Pythia have been “executed,” and those who haven’t have either gone mad or into hiding in their own bubbles of (albeit temporary) safety.

The ending of the game is somewhat misleading, too. Once Charlotte and Felix escape the TV world by having Charlotte merge with the Oracle itself, the game almost plays off the previous events like they were all a story made up by a young and imaginative Charlotte. Did they happen at all? Is she a reliable narrator or point of view to begin with? (Spoiler alert, she is not.) The explanation for it all seems to be that Charlotte herself is a schizophrenic, though the legitimacy of this is brought into question in the third game, which I will talk about later. Altogether, the game didn’t bring out many strong emotions in me, and I was starting to zone out as I moved on to the second game’s playthrough.

Hello Charlotte EP2

What struck me as odd in the second game is that while the first game seemed to bring Charlotte out of her own strange, black-and-white world and back into reality, we’ve found out that she’s right back where we started last game. A black-and-white world, inhabited by her imaginary friends. Aliens, gods, and the like. However, Charlotte’s seemingly made-up world feels more alive this time. I’m not sure if this is the consequence of the game developer improving their skills or an intentional detail, but even more characters are introduced, and previously shallow tenants of Charlotte’s home are given more depth. The hazmat-suit wearing aliens have faces, personalities and whole backstories attached to them, now. Charlotte has a best friend at school named Anri, who has a obsessive crush on her. She’s friends with a bullying victim named C with horrible germaphobia, who has almost identical struggles to her (more on those struggles later.)

What also surprised me is the continuity between the first and second game. For some reason, I thought that this Charlotte would be starting from scratch, completely oblivious to the fate of the first game’s iteration. However, this concept only seems to be used in the third game, so I guess I was simply mislead. This game, in fact, takes place 3 years after the first, and the Oracle still lives on within Charlotte’s conscious. However, it’s a dying god, on its last leg. It had already been dying during the time of the last few Pythia, but it had used the last of its strength to free Felix and Charlotte from their world. As the Oracle’s health declines, so does Charlotte’s mortal body.

Unlike the first game, most of the themes in this game hit way too close to home. The feeling of second-hand helplessness when someone you barely knew ends their own life. Anri’s obsessive and outright manipulative lesbian crush on Charlotte, bordering on bullying. The schooltime harrassment and trauma Charlotte underwent. The fear and dangers of social interaction. Feeling unlawfully punished by your school teachers for seemingly nothing at all. Depression, self harm, and the primal urge to escape from it. Getting roped into others’ mental health, until both of your issues converge into a disgusting amalgamation of the need but severe lack of therapy and a break from it all. Delusions of what could’ve been and the possible, yet near impossible future ahead. Looking back on everything you’ve ever done and regretting every second of it.

While I ticked off the trauma presented to me on a silver platter in the form of a fucking RPG Maker game like a twisted bucket list, I found myself relating more and more to not only Charlotte, but the students around her. Scarlett, whose life was so perfect that nobody had even thought about her possible mental issues until it was far too late. Anri, who would lay down her life for a girl who simply doesn’t feel the same way. C, who desperately wanted to escape from reality by any means possible.

An interesting fact about Hello Charlotte is that there are numerous omnipotent beings amongst its cast. They aren’t shy about providing very in-depth character analysis to Charlotte, and in turn, to the puppeteer (I suppose now is a good time to inform those who are unfamiliar with the series that the puppeteer refers to a species, character, and the player, all at once. Charlotte has a puppeteer controlling her by the name of Seth. You are/are controlling Seth as the player. Capiche? Capiche.)

What this meant for me watching Manly’s playthrough was the feeling of two gods (in this game, at least) peering right into my soul, analysing characters that reflected my exact experiences and even my personality during my school days. I learned and realised things about myself that I simply hadn’t known before. Just like Charlotte, I’m simply looking for direction in life, and I’m too afraid to act without instructions. I found myself bullied, manipulated and abandoned by someone who simply wanted my affections, and only learned to miss them when they were gone. Like Anri, my desperation for love and approval from an individual in turn lead to anger and resentment for them. Like both Charlotte and C, I eventually turned to hurting myself to make all the pain go away, refusing help from others and developing a shell of false optimism and naivety to forget about the damage I had dealt to my body, personality and relationships.

As much as I hate to admit it on my little obscure Tumblr blog with 0 followers and 0 traction, I still struggle with these things. I have no direction in life, and wander aimlessly, hoping for one of my offshot attempts at content creation to take off. I find myself missing the girl who emotionally abused me to hell and back every day. I resent another girl for never feeling the same way I felt about her. I still don’t take care of myself, and spend every day in a state of denial about my physical decline and sickliness. I’m so incompetent emotionally that I spend days ignoring my own boyfriend, starving him of the proper relationship that he deserves all because of how broken, fragmented and distant my own mind is.

Hello Charlotte EP2 has four endings. All four of them, in my eyes, are bad.

In the first, C and Charlotte overdose together, leaving their mortal realm to become gods. They choose to ignore and forget the pains of their mortal lives, and live the rest of their godly lives in ignorant bliss. Do I want to forget about my depression and trauma? Learn nothing, and forget about everything that made me who I am today? Or worse even, do I dare take the plunge into “godhood,” and leave this mortal plane to end my suffering altogether?

In the second, Charlotte discovers that C isn’t who she thinks he is, and she finds him without a soul. Alive, but empty. Charlotte could not save him. Consumed by grief, she ascends and becomes a god, consuming the entire world around her. After all is said and done, she realizes her mistake. All of her friends are gone, C is still empty and unresponsive, and now she is alone. Sometimes, I feel as though I’ve already gone through this ending, many times over. Countless times I’ve let my depression become all-consuming and take over my life. I’ve pushed so many people away and hurt so many more, and for what? I have nothing to gain from every fit of depression, and the consequences make it seem nothing more but a selfish attempt to make myself feel better.

In the third, Charlotte is the only one who dies. In her last moments, the Oracle comforts her, like a mother cradling her child. They embrace, and say goodbye to each other, as Charlotte’s own life was the only thing keeping the dying god alive. At this point, I’ve started to draw parallels between the Oracle and depression. Depression isn’t always a horrible thing that beats you down and keeps you from being truly happy. Sometimes, wallowing in my own sadness and depression would be the only thing that keeps you sane, stable, and calm. The feeling of hopelessness really is bittersweet, and in desperate times, goes hand-in-hand with acceptance of one’s circumstance. Oftentimes, I find that this is the most realistic way I’ll go out. One day, I may just accept depression, and succomb to it. There may not be a struggle at all. Rather, a quiet, submissive hum, which will fade away into silence.

In the fourth and final ending, Charlotte and C die alongside each other. After her death, Charlotte confronts the Oracle, and wishes to save everyone, and for everyone to be unhappy. Of course, this is where the classic saying: “Be careful what you wish for” comes in. Because of her wish, everyone’s soul, what makes them individual and unique, is erased. After all, no one can suffer if they cannot think at all. In some ways, emptiness is pure bliss. This once again goes back to the bittersweetness of depression. The sheer emptiness it may bring on, at times, is bliss. Feeling nothing isn’t always a bad thing. It’s a way to cope with the horrors of the world. To remember nothing at all is such a tempting yet unattainable solution that I can’t say I haven’t longed for in the near or distant past. Charlotte, of course, is distraught that her friends are all gone, their identities and souls lost forever. Following this, she has one request to make of another god, the observer. She wishes to be killed, as all of her actions have lead to nothing but pain for others and herself. The observer, however, refuses this offer. Instead, he comforts her and takes her hand. They go on a journey together. He suggests that one day, she’ll learn to control her power, and she can recreate the world and her friends. As they leave, Charlotte reflects on her hopes and dreams for the journey. She hopes to learn to be kind, and not hurt others. She wants to change her ways, and become an honest, good person. Charlotte, slowly but surely, is on the road to recovery.

Putting the unsettling sequel to this game aside, maybe I could learn a little bit from Charlotte.

#tw suicide #tw depression #tw anorexia #tw self harm #disordered eating tw #hello charlotte #charlotte wiltshire #anri warhol #scarlett eyler #charles eyler #indie horror #review

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itsnotanaccessory · 3 years ago

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Hi! We just have a few questions. We’re a professionally diagnosed DID system and are in treatment, along with other comorbid disorders verified by multiple doctors.

We’ve read through your blog and agree with most points, however there are a few that genuinely seem to come off as ableist and with the way they’re worded, seem to discredit those who have a different experience from yours just based on that.

One being diagnosis- having an official diagnosis added to record can be very difficult to get especially in terms of requiring it for disability forms (from personal experience; we did it), however it’s very possible (and not bad) to be treated for DID/OSDD because you meet the criteria very well, without having that on-paper diagnosis. Even with on paper diagnosis, it’s extremely difficult to receive a proper diagnosis other than ‘unspecified dissociative disorder’ due to the current stigma against DID/OSDD. Getting the physical diagnosis is especially more difficult in more rural areas, even if all professionals are agreeing it’s something that the individual deals with.

Second would be regarding alters and introjects. While initial splits cause directly from trauma, many systems (especially polyfragmented ones) split due to ‘smaller’ things after the ‘significant’ trauma caused in early childhood. This has been recognized by professionals as being just as valid, so we’re curious as to why denying those who have introjects from more recent media is considered to be alright in your mind while this is something that’s understood and supported by professionals. (obviously certain behaviors by systems can’t be supported or endorsed when regarding introjects of real people, but we genuinely haven’t seen people take it to an inappropriate level)

An answer would be very much appreciated, as we do understand most of the blog and relate to a lot of the issues brought up. Much love! - Riley 🖍 of the rose sys

Hi! We just have a few questions.

I’ve gone through your entire message multiple times and have found absolutely no questions.

We’re a professionally diagnosed DID system and are in treatment, along with other comorbid disorders verified by multiple doctors.

Side note: I find it genuinely funny how many people come into my inbox claiming to be professionally diagnosed. There are a lot of people in the notes of my posts with xyzsystem usernames. I see you.

We’ve read through your blog and agree with most points, however there are a few that genuinely seem to come off as ableist

Where?

No, seriously. You can’t just throw this at me without at least quoting something I’ve said.

Do you know what’s ableist?

6,600 views – “I have my desired alters”, “I can switch on command”, “I have my desired trauma”

1,600 views – “Have DID!”, “Switch as often as you’d like!”, “Have desired alters!”

The de facto existence of DID subliminals means that DID is being seen as a trend, and is being seen as desirable to have.

People are associating with DID with roleplaying and escapism, no repercussions (since it’s a mental illness, you can just cry ‘ableism’), and a one-way ticket to increased engagement and clout on social media.

It is a free invitation into a community that they see as being desirable to be part of. By claiming you have DID, you can just enter the community and start making friends right off the bat without having to put in any effort.

There are no common interests, just a common ‘illness’.

This leads to a disincentivising effect where if you claim you no longer have the illness, you will then lose all your friends and your social media platform that you based your entire identity off of.

---

and with the way they’re worded, seem to discredit those who have a different experience from yours just based on that.

I’m having a damn hard time dealing with this, because you’re giving absolutely no examples of what you’ve got an issue with, leading me to guess what you’re talking about.

You’re welcome to come back and quote me or link to posts you have issues with, but for now I can’t address your problems because I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Is it about the 2021 paper studying misdiagnosis in DID? Is it about how I’m tired of TikTok? Is it the paper I referenced about how most true DID patients don’t change their wardrobe when they switch? Is it the flippant posts I made in my early blog days about how every single alter is a Minecraft YouTuber?

Re: Self-diagnosis I refer you to my post here: https://itsnotanaccessory.tumblr.com/post/658670356209549312/before-i-get-totally-lambasted-but-i-will-anyway

About how self-diagnosis is not a valid tool, and I have no issues with symptomatic treatment.

I’ve already addressed this. I’m not doing it again.

Cite your sources – what ‘professionals’?

(On a research point, I would like to also note – just because one professional has reported something, does not mean it is a statistically significant trend, or it’s ‘valid’)

An ‘introject’ refers to internalising the views and thoughts of others, and yes, they are created during traumatic events.

‘Fictives’ is a term used by the community, but has not been used in any scientific literature that I can find. While, yes, alters based off of fictional characters can and do exist, the most documented instances of them are in cases of severe histories of abuse, cult ritual abuse, and purposeful traumatisation to create specific alters – MK-Ultra, war survivors, etc.

Given what we have previously documented, it is deeply concerning so many of these young individuals of privilege, with access to iPhones, BNHA cosplays and wigs straight off AliExpress, and all the makeup they need, are forming countless fictional alters based off of currently trending media that coincidentally will get them more interaction on social media by presenting as these popular characters.

I am being flippant because I’m genuinely angry about this issue. If you begin arguing with me that people can be traumatised and still have iPhones I’m going to ignore you.

Furthermore, re: “we genuinely haven’t seen people take it to an inappropriate level”

I find it particularly telling how many of these are ‘Hot Minecraft Boy Except He’s Gay Like In My Wattpad Fanfiction’. If you were to go by the documented cases of individuals with introjects, they would surely follow the sexuality of the actual person the introject is based off of.

(Furthermore, all introjects shown on social media are extremely positive ones. A lot of introjects have been documented to be replicants of an abuser, to continue acting out the abuse. But that's not as fun to lip sync to.)

And for comparison, this is from 2015:

They last posted about Sans in February 2016… I wonder where he went.

An answer would be very much appreciated, as we do understand most of the blog and relate to a lot of the issues brought up. Much love! - Riley 🖍 of the rose sys

Once again, you didn’t ask any questions. But sure.

#the disk horse #did #dissociative system #actually dissociative #dissociation #dissociative identity disorder #osdd #did system #therileykyle

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myjunkisyuzuruhanyu · 4 years ago

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On (my) FS fandom life...

I've been following figure skating for the past 13 years, I have experienced two full Olympic cycles and am soon completing the 3rd one. I followed all categories more or less intensly over the years. I have seen skaters come and go - long and short careers - and celebrated and cried over my faves wins and loses. I learned how scoring works and to tell jumps apart etc. I interacted with fans online, met fans irl, am active on the SNS sites and forum that I like and most importantly give me joy.

I am in the fandom for fun to be distracted from real life and I believe that fandom can only be fun if you accept that there are things that you can't change and that you won't have a common ground on everything. You all know my occasional ramblings and I do like to adress issues- mostly if it concerns my faves or scoring or bugs me personally or to express my anger - I speak out in my faves favor if needed and I try to keep discussions as respectful as I can.

There were many times I thought about quitting this fandom. About not posting, not talking and closing this account and every other one I have and I did that on platforms I didn't feel comfortable anymore. But I care too much about my faves and love this sport too much to let other ppl destroy my fun. The fandom gives me so much, it made me grow so much personally and it let me get in contact with so many amazing ppl in different countries.

Why this post? Why do I say all that?

Because I am tired. I am tired of many discussions that have been discussed time and time again - they repeat themselves even if the skaters talked about are not the same anymore. Tired of the same narratives, same arguments, the blaming of certain fans or skaters, the cancel culture in this fandom, the hating on skaters for their scores and judges favors, the fanwars between fans where most skaters show nothing but respect and many more things that sometimes make this fandom a dreadful place. I sometimes feel like a broken record to say the same things all over again (namely to deman "no hating") . This blog is 5 years old - it dates back to January 2016 - and over the time I said goodbye to caring for ppl's opinions where I can't respect the person. There are so many opinions in this fandom, some will make me angry, some defensive, some are funny and some I can totally agree with. You cannot please everyone and I am not fighting fights that don't give me anything. Maybe that's not caring enough, maybe that's getting older, maybe that's selfish, anyway no one has to decide how anyone lives fandom and I live it my way and I am comfortable in this fandom.

Wanna know why I feel quite comfortable in the social media places I am? Because I filter what I read. Because I don't start discussions with ppl you know you can't have a decent conversation with - not worth my time- , because I don't care if ppl like my opinion or not - just block me if you don't want to see my posts -, because I don't try to be popular with other fans to gain followers - follow my blog if you want (big thank you to those who do) if you don't (no hard feelings) -, because I keep to the fans I know who like the same skaters or at least are respectful to the ones I like. Wanna know how many hate posts towards Yuzu and Shoma I read the last days (and seeing my "friends" reaction there have been hateful comments on both of them just yesterday)? None on my own. Two because my friends talked about it. I am aware there is much more, but where there is success there will be haters, easy as that. So pls don't feed the trolls. (Interacting with haters is not worth it. The block and mute button is your friend! And btw you don't have to justify who you like or why you like them.)

All in all I am just trying to tell you, you can have a good time in this fandom, if you do what you like (if talking and adressing problems/discussions is your thing than feel free to rant as much as you want, pls just don't feed the trolls) If the fandom makes you only angry and sad, maybe it's time for a change to find inner peace with the fandom. (there are just too many bad apples in the fandom you cannot kill 'em all)

Of course it's just my own way of dealing with this fandom, but maybe you found some useful advice in there. Everyone has their own ways, no matter what your way is, there is no commitment you have to fulfill in this fandom.

Thanks for coming to my talk. Wishing everyone a pleasant fandom life!

#figure skating #shoma uno #yuzuru hanyu #Skating fandom #long post sorry #personal #yes this blog is 5 years old...hooray 🎉 I am old lol

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kriscynical · 4 years ago

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I have finally thrown in the towel and gone back on Welbutrin.

If you're considering the need to go back on your meds, take this as a sign from the universe that yes, you do indeed need to and you have nothing to prove to anybody.

This turned into mental health word vomit nobody is going to care about so I'm putting it under a cut to save your dashes.

After having the health crisis in 2009 that left me with the permanent nerve damage I'm still dealing with followed by one of my best friends throwing me under a bus and gaslighting me about it, I started struggling with my mental health. When my middle sister passed away from breast cancer in January 2010 I destroyed myself trying to be The Strong One for my parents, letting my cup run so dry it cracked and broke.

I spent the next 7 years at the bottom of a hole, the last four or so on Welbutrin that helped quite a bit but not completely. My personal art output was absolute zero. I lost my 20's to it, basically.

I finally pulled myself out of it when I renovated the room across from my bedroom into my studio and got into Yuri on Ice in late 2016 because I had something to focus on, get excited about, and be inspired by. I pumped out 40 new pieces of art in 2017 because of it, I was getting regular interaction with people, my blog was growing again, and it was fantastic. I was an art machine. I came off of the Welbutrin in Spring 2016. I was happy for the first time in years.

Anybody still in the YoI fandom knows that well has been bone dry for a few years now; most of our crops withered if not died completely, and fandom policing bullshit made creating fanart for it far less desirable for me. I started slipping.

Then 2018 happened. My oldest sister passed away in February from liver failure. The day after we buried her ashes next to my middle sister in the family plot, we found out our dog, Sushi, had late stage lymphoma at only 9 years old. Her face had barely even begun to get a dusting of white. We lost her that July. I slipped some more. I came out of that year holding on to the edge of that hole by the tips of my fingers, but I was proud that I hadn't fallen back in completely.

Then 2020 happened. On March 13 my life upended and my sole focus became keeping my high risk parents safe from Covid, becoming their caregiver and doing absolutely everything for them that involved interacting with people or going out in public. In the last 14 months I've only gone to the pharmacy and chiropractor. That's it. We've been having our groceries delivered via a wonderful woman named Katelyn through Dumpling. Quarantine has aged me by at least five years at this point if the lines on my face are any indication.

Then my uncle was diagnosed with stage IV esophageal cancer over the summer and the traumatizing hell of trying to care for him here at our house -- on top of the added stress of having a CONSTANT parade of nurses, hospice people, and chaplains coming through the house because of it in the middle of a pandemic I was working so hard to protect my parents from -- was a body blow that included a dissociative episode. He passed away in October 2020.

I was finally able to get myself and my parents vaccinated through the county health department at the end of March 2021, which was a Thing all unto itself because of their system fucking things up.We got our second dose toward the end of April and a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, but the damage was already done.

My personal art output has been zero for almost two years at this point. The last piece of fan work I actually finished that wasn't for a client, zine, or gift was in October 2019, it didn't even get 200 notes, nobody seemed to care or even notice that I had been basically MIA online in the last two years (save for maybe three people), so I lost the sliver of motivation I still had left. Let me repeat that:

I haven't finished any personal artwork that wasn't for a client, zine, or gift since October 2019. It's now May 2021.

At the beginning of April I finally said fuck it, I give up, and emailed my doctor asking for a new script for Welbutrin. While I'm not as godawful miserable emotionally as I was back when I started taking it originally (although it's on its way down that road), I am back to being completely unmotivated to do much of anything let alone produce new art. I have ideas. I just don't have the motivation to sit down and execute them.

As I've said several times before, I have to create in order to feel worthwhile. Interaction with people online when I post my work helps me stay in a good place mentally because I'm human and humans need positive interaction and just a sense that we're seen and matter. It's a nasty spiral because once it started seeming that hardly anybody cared about my work anymore or even noticed when I disappeared, that finished the job of killing my motivation. I know art should be made for yourself but like I said, I'm human and I'm just being honest here instead of trying to bullshit anybody. What's the point of posting if it's seemingly just going into the void?

I'm tired of being in that rut of a mindset and languishing in that bad headspace, so I'm trying to help myself out of it before I hit the bottom of that hole again. I never want to go back there, but I'm damn close at this point.

At least the Welbutrin is making me lose weight because it's killed my appetite.

#sorry for the word vomit #personal shit #mental health #shut up kris #i can't even sleep like a normal depressed person because my nerves won't stay quiet long enough to get any restful sleep #which has also been murder on my mental health #the nerve problems have gotten much much worse in the last year or so

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angelicjadamv · 4 years ago

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The story so far

One month after graduating high school in 2015 I was finally able to move away from my family. I was 18 and moved to California for college. Fortunately one of the scholarships I earned was accompanied by a summer program that started in the middle of the summer before fall semester. Shortly after settling in a safe, stable environment for the first time in my life I started to get better. A lot better at first. Then life happened, as it does, and 18 years of repressed trauma and abuse broke me. My nervous breakdown ruined my fall semester, I couldn't go to classes or take exams or function as a student anymore. Until this point, being an exceptional student was all I had and basically how I survived. My safe and stable environment now was dependant on maintaining a certain GPA, among other requirements I could no longer meet. I failed one of my main courses because I had a 0 on 2 exams, including the final. When I went home I was put on antipsychotics. Returning to campus for the 2016 spring semester, I attempted to seek more therapy. I wasn't successful in finding a good therapist (for me, therapy is a personal thing. Just because someone isn't a good therapist for me doesn't necessarily mean they are a bad therapist). I did continue to see my 2 psychiatrists (emergency and regular) often as they attempted to adjust my medication to find something that work. My agoraphobia worsened, I stopped sleeping, I could barely eat, I was manic one moment and dissociative the next, SH and suicidal ideation worsened. I was a burden to my friends and loved ones. I made it through this because I had a beautiful support system that I will forever be grateful for, but I ended up taking a leave of absence academically for my second semester, earning no credits and putting my scholarships at further jeopardy. I was allowed to stay on campus because it was clear I was dangerously unstable with no safe environment to return to and because I had incredible advocates looking out for me. I had realized that I wasn't going to get better in time to salvage my academic career and my life, and was mostly clueless as to how I would survive. I had had an internship in my field since I started college, but I earned basically no money. STEM internships aren't really made to be livable for undergrads, so I had mostly been working for experience in a field I would no longer be able to progress in. Bummer. My physical health had taken a huge dive for all of 2016. I basically always knew I was chronically ill, but I had been abused and gaslit my entire life to believe and act like I was fine, I was just a weak baby, I didn't know what real pain or suffering was, seizures were to be ignored, no I didn't have migraines or pinched nerves (um hello SCOLIOSIS), etc etc. And 2016 was the year my body finally started to break, so I knew "regular" jobs weren't going to be a viable option for me, at least not for long.

And thus I became a survival SW. I stayed in college for a final semester, because I didn't want to miss my friends, I loved my campus and didn't know where else to live, I still needed a lot of campus resources. I also kept my internship as long as I could, because I knew I would miss it for the rest of my life. I didn't really go to classes, again, because as much as a desperately wanted to and as much as my advisors moved heaven and earth to try to make it work for me, I couldn't handle it. I was finally able to find 2 great therapists who I started seeing regularly who actually knew how to diagnose and treat me, one at school and one outside. This is also when I met Daddy (Jace) online. After talking for what is probably a stupidly short time, we fell in love and started dating. This is honestly my first real relationship and time actually catching genuine feelings for someone, something that I hadn't thought I was capable of. Despite being happier than I had ever been in so many ways, my mental and physical health was still steadily declining. My migraines and pain were getting worse, I hadn't been able to eat normally in months and relied entirely on medication to eat or sleep at all. Many people recommended mmj at this point in my life, but I was afraid of how it would interact with my other meds. I only smoked occasionally at parties at this point (because no way was I spending my super duper limited money on weed). I wonder if medicating with something that actually worked well for me, like weed, would have allowed me to finish college. Oh well I guess. Because of my inability to attend classes, I had to take another leave for the fall semester 2016. I worked at a strip club briefly, but my health couldn't handle it for long.

I didn't want to go home for the first winter break in 2015, but campus closed and I had nowhere else to go. It was turbulent. When summer 2016 came, I still didn't go home despite having no place to stay. Until a month or so later, it was revealed to me a relative had terminal cancer. I had to go home again. It was worse than turbulent. When winter 2016 came, my relative was in much worse condition. They only had a few months left, and this was probably my last chance to say goodbye. This visit was by far the most traumatic, and more because of my parents than watching a loved one die. At least Jace was able to come meet me for the first time in person. He also got to meet my relative before they passed 🖤

Freshly fucked up by family, I retuned to California at the beginning of 2017. I was mostly taking a break from SW because of my health and was working vanilla jobs as I could (so not much). I had a pretty decent job that I was really good at and had been promoted, but then my relative passed. I started losing consciousness again ( I had many seizures and fainting spells in my childhood and during high school) and had to quit my job. the funeral was in spring 2017, I flew to Jersey to be with Daddy for a few days and then he drove me several states over for the memorial. That was the last time I saw my family. I wanted to transition to online/content creating, but I had no tech knowledge or equipment (even my phone was a potato). In high school I wasn't allowed to have a smartphone, most social media other than what was heavily monitored (and still had 0 experience with platforms sw is popular on besides Tumblr I guess), I didn't really know much about cameras. Way too sheltered and broken to feel like I could start anything. I was now seeing my outside, or I guess regular and only, therapist twice a week and doing treatments that while working for me were insanely (literally) hard. I had been able to get an apartment with roommates at a super discount in return for taking care of their crazy dog, which was a win win for me (he was a good boi just crazy from a bad past and had the worst separation anxiety). The agreement was that I would live with them until the lease was up in September, and then we would reevaluate the situation. Then they both got promoted at their mega corporation jobs. And after their wedding found a really gorgeous apartment in a much fancier part of the city, and paid to break our lease early in June leaving me homeless. I had been fired from my last 2 jobs (probably for being disabled because California is at will employment but who knows I might have been fired from the nanny job because the husband wanted to fuck me). I had no money or anywhere to go. All of my friends were almost as broke as me, so while I had offers to couchsurf at a few of their places they had other roommates who would have been pissed and in a few months they would be going back to school anyways. Daddy and I had been trying to save up to move in together for months, but he was going to move to California. We didn't have any money for that, so instead he asked me to move in with him in New Jersey. Leaving meant I lost my health insurance and my therapist. It was supposed to be much more temporary and we were supposed to move back to California much sooner than we were able to. I try not to be mad at those roommates because being angry doesn't change anything, but it really sucked.

Moving in with Daddy meant we could start our blog! And I was super happy at first, the happiest I could ever remember. But the years had been too hard and my health started to get worse than ever before. Without treatment and so traumatized, my brain and body were constantly at war. I would wake with splitting migraines, throwing up, my chronic pain became completely unmanageable. I started to need weed all the time because it was the only thing that stopped my cyclical vomiting episodes and kept me out of the hospital. My antipsychotics and other meds had been high-key fucking me up (probably shouldn't have been on them in the first place, thank you doctor who also ignored my seizures even when I had one in front of you) and were almost impossible to come off of because the withdrawals. (Seriously, kicking xanax was easier for me than my antipsychotics.) I'm not anti medication or anything, I just know the ones I was on were not good for me anymore. I'd actually like to be on something again, I just need a doctor who actually understands PTSD and DID.

My health continued to be shit for most of 2018, with several ER visits for severe dehydration from vomiting for days on end. We started to make videos and do snapchat and online sessions to be able to make ends meet. Despite being in the worst situation and thus everything being a trizillion times harder, we really loved (and still love 😇) doing SW and creating content. Our fans and clients have been there in some of our darkest moments, just being lovely or pulling through for us when we needed it most. During 2018 and 2019 I became actively suicidal for the first time since I was 13. I struggled with self harm again. I have gotten worse than I ever thought possible. But I wouldn't have made it at all if it wasn't for SW, this community and our supporters.

At the beginning of 2020 we were finally able to move back to California. Obviously, the pandemic severely disrupted many of our plans, especially regarding my recovery. Despite things being delayed or shifted, we are in a much better place currently. I have what I need to get better and I can build a support system again. I will get better.

Talking about things is hard for me. Being open and honest is hard for me. For 18 years I was trained and abused to not be sad or show negative feelings, or talk about upsetting things, and it has been killing me slowly my entire life. I genuinely don't want pity or to make others feel bad, but I do want to give you the chance to get to know me. I don't always talk about things so much. But I'm trying to get better at it.

#angelicjada #oc #about jada

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amoveablejake · 3 years ago

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Dear Paterson

Oh to be a bus driver.

If you were to ask me what my favourite film is, I’m not quite sure I would be able to give you an answer. At least, not one immediately and even if I did give you one definitive film I think I would walk away from that conversation and question my choice. Choosing a favourite film is hard. Extremely so. I could give you a top one hundred, and if I was sent away to the mountains for a while I could probably come back down with a top twenty. I use a film logging app called Letterboxd and on this app, you have to choose your four favourite films to sit on your profile. Now this, this was and is everytime I open the app a tough decision. Which four films should sit in that space for the absolute favourites. You see, I have a list on Letterboxd of my favourite films which is currently sitting at eighty one films and thats only from the films I’ve logged on the app which I’ve been using since late November 2020, so what about all of the other films that I adore from before then that haven’t been logged. You see, it is an incredibly tough decision but somehow I’ve got four films to sit on my profile. These four films haven’t changed since I originally selected them that is until a few days ago when ‘Paterson’ came into the picture.

First of all, to add some sort of resonance to this situation. ‘Paterson’, released in 2016 and starring all around nice guy and one of if not the talent of his generation Adam Driver, replaced ‘The Shining.’ Now, if you know me then you’ll have an idea of how much that means I love ‘Paterson’ because ‘The Shining’ has a firm and eternal place in my heart. If you don’t know me or didn’t know until reading this that I have such affection for Kubrick’s masterpiece, well, you do now. But ‘Paterson’ that has joined the top four and knocked Redrum away. And why is that, well,’Paterson’ is a gentle, romantic look at everyday life and the little moments that whilst at times mundane can become truly mesmerising. It is a film that focuses in on those interactions that whilst short having ramifications that last a lifetime. Those moments can be an overheard conversation or meeting a stranger who imparts some wisdom or a look where, you don’t know exactly what the look is but you do know that the warmth it brings will encapsulate you for all of your days. ‘Paterson’ is a film that is full of life in a very pedestrian way and it is that that makes it truly charming. It follows the titular character through Monday all the way to the next one and in doing so we see part of his life that, I was going to write then that it wasn’t particularly momentous but actually I think it is. For many reasons, partly because there is a moment in it but more because it is momentous in how the days tick by and the tapestry of Paterson’s life is weaved. There is beauty in the everyday and it is found here.

Why is ‘Paterson’ now one of my all time favourite films. Well, at times it almost felt like a reflection. I’ve seen films where a character has felt like that before but it really hit me this time with Paterson. In part because he is always writing in his notebook and carrying it around with him and again if you do know me or again, happen upon this blog every now and then you too will know that I am never without a notebook and am scribbling away in it most of the time. Paterson writes poetry in his and after seeing the film I’ve started to do that too. I don’t think I’ll ever read them to anybody but i’m finding the act of writing poetry hugely beneficial which is funny as poetry has never really been my thing and now I can’t get enough. I think one of the main reasons if not the main one that ‘Paterson’ really got me is that it looks at the beauty in the everyday and the gentleness of it. If you were to pick up any of my albums of photographs I would hope that you would see those themes throughout my shots and in my journal how I am often writing about the most ordinary thing that happened and how it warmed my heart. It may seem from this that ‘Paterson’ may not have a story, don’t worry it does, but it sort of doesn’t need one. Really, its story is purely what happens everyday and how those collected moments build, well, a life really. I think that in the world it can be very easy to lose sight of what really makes an enriching life. And for me, its a collection of moments that I hold dear and that pick me up throughout the days. They don’t have to be of anything specific but when they happen, you know.

You always know.

-Jake, a man dreaming of Shakespeare and Company, 23/01/2022

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mercuryonparklane · 4 years ago

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An attempt at objectivity on the topic of Tayliz/a summary: Part 2

(Kind of...)

I’ve been busy with irl stuff the last week, so I haven’t been posting much lately. I finally have a day where I have nothing else to do and I’ve been considering making a post about where I currently stand on Tayliz/Gaylor in general for a while, so I thought now would be a good time to do that.

Disclaimer: I don’t know any of these people personally and this is all my own interpretation of publicly available information. I apologize for the length of this post...

I’ve been a Taylor fan since 2006 and a Gaylor since at least early 2009 when I was posting fanfics on LiveJournal (I stopped writing rpf a long time ago, btw). I’ve been in and out of the Gaylor fandom since then. I’ve created and deleted multiple blogs/accounts in the past 12+ years. I was mostly active between 2009 and 2015, but I did a lot of lurking during that time and only engaged when I felt I had something to contribute. 2015/2016 was a crazy time and I was going through some of my own stuff, so I stopped following Gaylor as closely for a while. I listened to reputation and Lover, I read the Gaylor theories, made a couple comments, and moved along. When folklore was released it drew me back in.

I created this blog in September 2020, before I even had an inkling that Liz might be more than just another name that has been thrown into the potential exes list, along with Claire C. and Kellie (I don’t believe either of those two had anything beyond friendship with Taylor). I had never looked into it too much because it seemed like there was not as much information as there was for the main 3 (Emily, Dianna, and Karlie). Now, after researching Tayliz for 5 months, I believe there is at least as much, if not more, to go on as there is for the main 3.

As for Taymily, I believe that, at the very least, Taylor had a massive crush on Emily. I don’t like to get too in-depth about that because there is a very suspect age gap. I’m not saying that those things don’t happen, but I will reiterate my statement from an earlier post that I am not comfortable essentially accusing someone of committing a crime when all that can be deciphered is that Taylor seemed to really care about her. I do think there are multiple songs about Emily.

I also believe that Taylor did date Dianna and possibly had some kind of relationship with Karlie. I think both of these possible relationships are long over at this point. Taylor may have been looking back on those relationships (along with others) in her last few albums.

I still personally think it is possible that Taylor is a lesbian, but there are reasons to think she might be bi and I understand why people think that she is. I don’t really talk about the guys Taylor may have dated, but I will say that, to me, all of the boyfriends she had after high school seem like beards. I could be wrong, of course. There are way too many signs that she is queer for me to not think that she is at least bi.

There have always been sapphic themes in Taylor’s music, even in early songs like “Me And Britney” and “Angelina”. Her entire discography is littered with sapphic themes. In recent years, she has seemed to hint at being some form of queer in other ways as well. This has all been examined by others, so I won’t get into that in this post.

Anyway, on to Tayliz…

There is some compelling “circumstantial evidence” suggesting that there may have been something beyond friendship between Tayliz (a lot of this was covered in my first post and all of the information has been mentioned at some point on my blog):

They met multiple times between December 2006 and February 2009, when Liz first performed with Taylor, but it is hard to tell how well they knew each other at that time. Based on the information available, I actually think they might have even been close, or at least friendly, before Liz was hired, but I could be wrong.

The “official” story is that Liz met Taylor at a meet and greet in December 2006 and again in July 2007. She asked if she could sing for Taylor and Taylor gave her advice, including suggesting that she enter a talent contest and that she should move to Nashville. Some accounts say that Liz sang for Taylor in her dressing room, but I have never found a source for this part of the story.

Taylor wrote the following sentence about Liz in her blog on February 5, 2008, after performing on the competition show that Liz was a contestant on: “It sounds strange, but there was always something different about her that stuck out in my mind”. That is super suspect to me...

Taylor was the only musician to perform on the show, btw (although they did have the touring cast of HSM on the next week). Taylor allegedly said, during the interview portion of her appearance, that she knew Liz and that Liz had gone to “all” of her shows and meet and greets… whatever that means.

According to Liz, she moved to Nashville in June 2008 and sometime within the next 6 months she received a call to audition as a backup singer, but did not know for which artist she was auditioning. I feel like it would be an incredible coincidence that Taylor suggested she move to Nashville two years earlier, they met multiple times after that, and randomly Liz got a call to audition for Taylor without knowing it was for her within 6 months of moving there. I don’t know, maybe I’m being too skeptical, but it seems almost more of a reach to say that Taylor didn’t somehow have a hand in her getting that audition.

Liz already seemed very comfortable around Taylor in that picture with George Strait taken on the day of her first show with the band in February 2009.

At the one-off shows after Liz joined the band, there was a little skit between Taylor, Liz, and Grant during YBWM, where Grant played the love interest and Liz played the “Cheer Captain”. There was even a talking bit. During the Australia one-off shows, there was a talking bit before F&A where Taylor introduced Liz and they had a little conversation that ended similarly to the one Taylor has with the interviewer during the Fearless Tour. After this, they rarely interacted on stage.

Taylor seemed to allow Liz’s input during the auditions for the Fearless Tour dancers, two months after she joined the band, and Taylor ended up hiring two of her friends.

Liz went with Taylor to visit Abigail at her university in Kansas two months after joining the band.

Taylor took Liz with her to see Britney Spears’ Circus Tour show in Chicago right after the Kansas trip.

Taylor said in an interview for Oprah’s website, released in May 2009, that Australia and Lawrence, KS were her two favorite places to visit, which just so happen to be two of the places she had recently been with Liz.

The fact that they shared a hotel room in London a few months after Liz joined the band. Caitlin, who had been in the band for a while at that point, and her mom were both there for that trip. Maybe Taylor was just happy to be able to hang out with another woman around her age. It seems strange, but it could be a completely platonic situation.

Taylor and the band, including Liz, recorded a cover of “American Girl” by Tom Petty (one of Liz’s favorite artists) in front of the Rose Garden in Portland, Oregon in May 2009. The secret message for “Sparks Fly” is “Portland, Oregon” and she mentions the Rose Garden in “The Lucky One”.

Taylor mentions going to dinner with Liz, seemingly just the two of them, in her vlog from May 29, 2009, which was around Liz’s birthday (May 27).

The amount of Liz content in the vlogs. Plus, the choice to put the line “I like where you sleep, when you sleep next to me” right before showing Liz sleeping on a couch (this was the trip where they shared a hotel room, which does make that fact more suspect, imo) and including the song “She (For Liz)” in another vlog, in which she dedicates a whole section to Liz’s habit of falling asleep “All. The. Time.”

In fact, in both of those vlogs, which were posted a year apart from each other (May 2009 and April 2010), Taylor wears a black dot shirt, in clips that include only her and Liz, that is similar to the one she wore in the IKYWT mv.

Honestly, just go watch the video she made for Emily and then watch the vlogs after Liz joined the band… I just get a similar vibe in the clips she chose to include of both women.

They went to a Paramore concert together the weekend before Taylor hosted SNL in November 2009. At the concert, they were filmed by other attendees dancing next to each other on the balcony. One of the songs they were filmed dancing to is “That’s What You Get” and Taylor asked Hayley to perform that song with her (and the band, including Liz) at one of the Nashville shows on the SN Tour in 2011. In November 2019, Liz released her own song called “That’s What You Get” that sounds like it could be the opposite side of the relationship much of Red is about (and a couple other Taylor songs from other albums).

In Taylor’s Glamour interview published on 10/5/2010, she mentions that she designed the two guest rooms at her Nashville condo with Caitlin and Liz in mind.

After tweeting about attending the Katy P. concert in Dublin with Taylor (and Grant and Caitlin) someone asked Liz what her favorite KP song was and she responded “Thinking Of You”. This is suspect because at the time Liz did have a bf, but she may have just liked the song and didn’t necessarily relate to it personally.

There are tweets from people who are either not really well-known or aren’t in the industry at all that mention Taylor and Liz hanging out outside of touring. They are mentioned together in quite a few tweets actually. They seemed to have a good number of mutual friends during that time (spring/summer 2009-fall 2012). After Liz left the band, Taylor stopped hanging out with most of those people, while Liz continues to maintain some of those friendships to this day. This could be explained by the fact that Taylor began spending less time in Nashville.

One such friend is the photographer who Taylor hired for Red. She is actually a longtime friend of Liz. Supposedly she took some photos of Liz that Taylor saw and Taylor hired her after that. There are some pictures from Taylor’s Red photoshoot that are similar to Liz’s photos.

There are rumors that Liz was fired, but the “official” story is that she left to pursue her own music.

Liz did not wish Taylor a happy birthday on twitter in 2012, which she had done in previous years. She did not tweet @ or mention Taylor for almost a year. Taylor didn’t respond to any of her tweets or mention her until October 2014.

Some of the songs Liz released in late 2012/early 2013 have similar lyrics/themes to Taylor’s music and may be about Taylor.

The lyric video for Liz’s song STFU&HM includes polaroid pictures with the song’s lyrics written on them and neon signs, which is basically the 1989 aesthetic. The actual mv has some potential parallels to the IKYWT mv. (side note: Liz specified in an interview that the kind of “sour candy” she is singing about in the song is Watermelon Sour Patch, which Taylor mentioned in the June 2008 issue of Teen Vogue was something that she “couldn’t live without”)

The love interest wears a key necklace in the STFU&HM mv and Taylor wears one in the IKYWT mv.

The bridge of IKYWT is very similar to lyrics from a song by Patty Griffin called “Nobody’s Crying”. Liz once said that Patty is her favorite singer (this was when she was still in Taylor’s band) and has mentioned her and that particular song multiple times over the years. Side note: Taylor mentioned last year that another one of Patty’s songs was the inspiration for “betty��.

Liz played the other woman in the mv for TSOU and in the photoshoot for SN. At the end of the mv for her song “H8U”, Liz interrupts her love interest’s wedding and kisses his tall, blonde, curly haired bride.

This one could be a crazy coincidence, but Liz recorded the backing vocals on a song called “Dear John” that was written by the backup dancer who came out to Taylor during the Fearless Tour. Btw, by no means am I saying DJ is about Liz because that would make zero sense.

Liz’s birthday is on one of the board games in the “Lover” mv that reference “Cruel Summer”. Most people think CS is about Karlie and that makes sense, but it also seems to reference “Love Story”, which was potentially written sometime around when Taylor performed on the show Liz was a contestant on. I don’t know if LS is about Liz and I am not trying to claim that, but it is interesting. Even if it’s not, they performed that song together a lot and Liz helped out with the onstage costume change during that song. CS could be about her experiences with both Liz and Karlie. Or it could just be about Karlie and the date in the “Lover” mv has nothing to do with Liz’s birthday.

In “the 1” and “dorothea”, Taylor potentially references Liz’s song “Never Know” and by reference, I mean that she essentially uses the exact same lyrics: “I guess you never know, you never know” = “I guess you never know, never know” and “I guess I’ll never know” = literally just the same line. Not to mention in “dorothea” Taylor also sings “Do you ever stop and think about me?” and in NK Liz sings “I wonder if you think about me” right before the line “I guess I’ll never know”. I am not saying that either of those songs are about Liz, but it is interesting, especially since Liz tweeted about “the 1”, which was the thing that really sent me on my deep dive into Tayliz.

The “cardigan” looks like the cardigan she wears in the first vlog she included Liz in. It could be nothing, but it is interesting because I have a theory that Liz is the first woman she had a “relationship” with and that “cardigan” is about Liz, Dianna, Karlie, and possibly some other women she might have dated/been with.

These are just some of the highlights and are more focused on the facts as opposed to some of my more tinfoil hat, fun, crack theory stuff or just some of the things that are loosely related to Liz or might involve a little (or a lot of) reaching to connect them to her.

Everything I have mentioned could just be a series of strange coincidences, even though there appears to be quite a few of them. Whether anything ever happened between them or it was just one of those intense, romantic friendships that some women tend to have, I don’t really know. Based on what I have seen, I tend to think there was something going on there beyond friendship, but possibly it was never anything official.

Liz seemed to have a boyfriend most of the time that Tayliz were working together/hanging out, which is one of the main things that makes me question my own theory. Of course, it is always possible that she had something with Taylor, while she also had a boyfriend. There are many reasons for that (poly, closeted, etc.), so that does not exclude the idea that she may have actually been involved with two people at one time and one of those people could have been Taylor.

If they were together in some capacity, while Liz also had a boyfriend, it could explain the messy relationship that Taylor seemed to write about during that time. I think it is possible that Emily was just a crush and Liz was her first actual experience with another woman where the feelings were reciprocated to some degree. OR they could have just been really good friends and I am utterly, completely wrong.

Maybe Taylor is just a straight girl, who doesn’t realize that she’s been sending signals that she is queer for years. Whenever that thought crosses my mind, I think about all of the things she has said and done that imply she may not be straight and I just can’t help thinking that it is intentional. I don’t think she is queerbaiting or unintentionally signaling that she might be queer. I think she is queer and has dropped multiple hints to suggest that over the years.

Anyway… Liz has a bf right now and seems to be in a good place, so let’s let her be, please. I hope we get some more new music from her soon.

As far as researching Tayliz goes, I’ll probably keep looking into it when I have time, but at this point I think I have seen pretty much all there is to see (of the content available online currently). I’ll be waiting for the songs from Taylor’s “vault” to drop to see if there are any potential connections there (at least in the “vault” songs for Fearless, Speak Now, and Red).

In conclusion (TL;DR)...

My personal opinion is that there is enough “circumstantial evidence” to include Liz on the list of Taylor potential exes. For me the Gaylor timeline looks something like this:

(Fair Warning: this is all total speculation based on song lyrics and other information that is publicly available)

Summer 2006-December 2007: Taylor develops a crush on Emily. Emily possibly finds out somehow and it doesn’t go over well (OR it does). She is fired from the band AND maybe she is paid off to pursue other interests…

2008/2009- Spring (Summer? Fall?) 2012: Taylor has an on/off relationship with Liz, while Liz also dates men. The relationship may have even started developing as early as the first time they supposedly met back in December 2006, but Taylor definitely was feeling something by the time she posted that blog in February 2008. It’s complicated and non-exclusive. Maybe Taylor wanted more of a commitment and maybe there were promises made that things could/would change, but they never did. By the time she started hanging out with Dianna she was ready to move on. So, she ended things in March/April… but still met up with Liz a couple times after (possibly as friends).

Taylor may have also dated Julianne H. at some point in 2008/2009.

Spring 2012-Fall 2013 (?): Taylor has an on/off relationship with Dianna that may have ended, in part, due to interference from Taylor’s team. Maybe it is the one relationship with a woman that could have actually developed into something more concrete, but maybe that also scared Taylor a bit.

Winter 2013/Early 2014-Fall 2016: Taylor has an on/off relationship with Karlie, while Karlie is also involved with Josh (hence my comment about how CS could be about her experiences with both Liz and Karlie because they may have been similar circumstances, where sometimes they were single and other times they had a serious bf).

Fall 2016-Present: There are at least a couple potential girlfriends within this timeframe. I lean towards Tily being a thing from at least fall 2016-Summer 2019. I am open to Zaylor and I do find it interesting, but I’m not as sold on that one. I personally do not think Taylor is with Joe nor do I think that Joe is WB.

The straight explanation could be that Taylor gets into really, intensely close friendships with other women and eventually they grow apart and move on with their lives.

The funny thing is that I remember Taylor once saying something about how after a breakup, she completely cuts that person off. That fits with her relationships (whatever the nature) with Liz, Dianna, and Karlie. With each of these women, Taylor shared a friend group with them, but Taylor seemed most interested in them. She has had a few friendly/cordial interactions with them, but she seems to have completely separated her life from them after their “friendships” ended. In fact, she moved to entirely different cities on opposite sides of the country (and in one case a different country, with a whole ocean in between) after she stopped hanging out with them.

That’s where I stand and it’s not really much different from where I was back in October when I posted my first summary on Tayliz.

Although, I do have more information now than I did then that leads me to think something was going on. 70% of the time I am convinced they had a relationship beyond friendship and 30% of the time I think they were only ever friends. 99.9% of the time I think I am a clown.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I am inclined to believe that Tayliz is more likely to have had some sort of relationship than Taymily and is slightly less likely to have happened than Swiftgron and Kaylor. Other Gaylors might think they were only coworkers or friends. I’m not out to convince anyone. I am just presenting the information I have found and I don’t mind a friendly discussion/debate if anyone wants to talk about it.

#tayliz #random tayliz thoughts #random gaylor thoughts

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hope-for-olicity · 5 years ago

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Fabulous Olicity Fanfic Friday - January 31st, 2020

Happy Friday! So this is my attempt to both thank awesome fanfic writers for their amazing work and offer my recommendations to anyone who is interested. Here are the fantastic fanfic stories I read this week! They are posted in the order I read them. This and all previous Fabulous Olicity Fanfic posts can be found on my blog. Please reblog and share these awesome writers’ works!

Falling in the Midst of War multi-chapter WIP by @mindramblingsfics - At nine years old, Felicity witnesses the murder of her parents. After their death, she relocates to Russia under the care of Bravta Godfather, Anatoly Knyazev. Over the years, and quietly under the radar, she hones her skills and transforms herself into an accomplished and respected member of The Bratva with one goal in mind...revenge. Oliver Queen takes over the US branch of Bratva when his father decides to step down. His reputation of ruthless enforcer precede him as he makes a name for himself. Two strong personalities are thrown together when Oliver and Felicity wind up on the same path. https://archiveofourown.org/works/13120527/chapters/30016071

The Voyage to You multi-chapter WIP by @obibaldwin - Felicity Smoak didn’t want a complicated life. She enjoyed helping people as a nurse at Starling City General Hospital and spending time with her best friend Sara. When a John Doe arrives on the fifth floor of the hospital, she finds herself being dragged into a world of mysterious oaths and visions. The only thing she can hope is to stay strong enough to resist the man who has traveled to find her. https://archiveofourown.org/works/16596788/chapters/38895977

Helplessly Wrecked multi-chapter WIP by @cruzrogue - A very smart, passionate, woman. Worked to get her dual masters from MIT, it may have taken longer being a mother of triplets but at least she has her mother’s support. Oliver Queen still has a yacht incident and was marooned for shorter time frame on a real deserted island. He never flunked out of his Ivy League schooling and is a very sought-after bachelor. His relationships never last more than half a year and is known to throw himself into his work. His motto ‘work hard play harder’. https://archiveofourown.org/works/19194103/chapters/45628978

Bloodstained Leather multi-chapter WIP by @mindramblingsfics - Felicity finds Oliver shot and feels compelled to help him. In helping him, she ends up being involved with Bratva. As things intensify, Felicity knows that she should not only run the other way, she should stay away from Oliver...but she doesn't seem to be able to or want to. ~~~~~~~~ Felicity swallowed thickly as Oliver's eyes peered down at her. She took his hand in hers linking their fingers together. "Oliver, I found you bleeding outside of Big Belly Burger and ever since that moment, my life has not been the same. And I don't think it ever will be." https://archiveofourown.org/works/12296337/chapters/27952350

It's in the Air multi-chapter WIP by @emmilynestill - December 23, 2016. It’s Mayor Queen’s first holiday party and love is in the air. No, wait, that’s tension in the air. Bitterness. Regret. Painful longing for one’s former love. Awkward interactions with current significant others. A little humiliation mixed in. Yup, this was one great party. Then the gas came. Maybe love was in the air Afterall. Just my usual lock Oliver and Felicity in a room with a mind-altering substance with a dash of holiday magic thrown in. And, by magic, I mean Sex Pollen. And maybe a little Truth Serum to stir things up. https://archiveofourown.org/works/21552481

We Ended as Lovers multi-chapter WIP by @smkkbert - Three years ago, Felicity’s life was perfect. She was offered a job at two great companies. Her boyfriend just started his own fashion label, and they picked a perfect apartment to live in together. The more heartbroken she was when Oliver got cold feet and it all ended. Now, Felicity is coming back to Starling City, well aware that she is destined to run into her ex-boyfriend there. While old feelings revive quickly, the pain still goes deep. Besides, for some reason Oliver seems to be angry with her. https://archiveofourown.org/works/22034827/chapters/52587292

That's The Way It Is multi-chapter WIP by @stephswims - Felicity Smoak was arranged to marry Oliver Queen and uphold the Queen values and image. She complies to protect her own family name, but it's not what she really wants. Just for once, she wants to be able to decide her own future. https://archiveofourown.org/works/19288078/chapters/45874270

The Best Holiday multi-chapter WIP by @green-arrows-of-karamel for MEEEE - Felicity Smoak goes to Aspen for the holidays with her family but she's not thrilled about it. When she meets gold-medal winner Oliver Queen her opinion about the vacation changes drastically. She never expects that what she thought would be a lousy time becomes the best holiday of her life. https://archiveofourown.org/works/22200871/chapters/53004364

Just Something About You (Olicity One Shots): Getting To The Church On Time by @spaztronautwriter - Breakfast, a lost cellphone, and a wedding bring Oliver and Felicity together meet-cute style. https://archiveofourown.org/works/6104462/chapters/53716399

// @emmaamelia95 // @mel-loves-all // @oliverfel4 // @green-arrows-of-karamel // @coal000 // @miriam1779 // @memcjo// @captainolicitysbedroom // @tdgal1 // @spaztronautwriter // @lalawo1// @quiveringbunny // @wrongshipper // @thebookjumper// @vaelisamaza // @myhauntedblacksoul // @lovelycssefan // @laurabelle2930 // @laxit21 // - let me know if you want to be tagged or untagged!

#FabulousOlicityFanficFriday #olicity fanfiction #fic recs

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thirsty-x1 · 5 years ago

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a lot of people in twtr are closing/resting, how bout you? are you gonna leave us too?

No. I've been thinking about it, and I don't want to.

In a certain way, I've been contemplating this outcome for the last past few weeks since I'm quite a pessimist, but still had a tiny bit of hope.

It hurts me, saddens me and makes me feel incredibly annoyed and frustrated, but if I'm honest, I want to go on.

Sad story time: writing has always been my outlet for everything since I was young. As I grew up, I got discouraged from it. When I was 12, I got depression. Not weird considering the things that were happening at the time, but it sill lingered. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. I pushed writing aside, since I felt like everything I did was terrible and there was no use in trying.

In September, 2019 a friend of mine introduced me into X1. I was like "ah yes, nice nice" but later I started investigating. I used to be an uniq stan back in 2015 but as I lost contact with them, I kind of drifted off to other groups. I tend to listen to soloists without really knowing who they are and in 2018 I heard Woodz. I fell in love with his music but still wouldn't really look much into it. Rambling through X1 profiles I found out Seungyoun "also known as Woodz". Oh? Oh???? I went bat shit crazy.

I started watching produce and stanning them immediately. Biased and not really a nice, cute typical story but it is how it is. As I watched them and their content, I fell in love a little more with them. Now you see, I stan many groups because I lose interest easily so I go hopping from one to another. Last group that I ulted was iKON in 2016, so imagine my surprise when I felt way too many emotions for X1.

Somehow, I started considering writing. Just for them, because they inspired me. Because they had awaken something. I tried many times to start a blog, delete it, open again, delete it, post and regret so delete again. Still, I felt happy when writing, so I decided to swallow up my fears and continue. I opened a blog, I posted I waited. I posted again and waited. I posted again and waited. Little by little, people started to come, to give a like, sometimes reblog, others comment and even requesting. I felt validated, I thought for the first time that maybe I wasn't that bad, that I should keep trying.

I'm still 20, this blog is barely two months old, I still have mental health problems but everything is so much better. So, so much better. I found something I enjoy doing, that makes me happy, and when you spend ten years wondering why nothing fills you up and everything feels meaningless, it's a big deal.

I don't want this feeling to stop. I don't want to stop supporting them, or to go. This is my own personal story and experience with them and I choose to keep doing it. For now, at least. I don't know what I might feel in a few months, so I can't promise anything, really, but I want to try and go on. For them and for myself, honestly. I want to do it for me too.

Now!!! This is just me!!!!! I'm not discrediting anyone who wants to take a break, or leave, or simply can't continue. Everyone has their own pace and their own way to deal with things. To content creators: don't push yourself. Anything you choose is good. Mental health first, please.

God this is dramatic as fuck, I could have just answered "nah, imma keep going" but wanted to give them credit for awakening my passion again.

I might take a few days but I really want to keep this blog, keep interacting with you and support each other. I don't know. A half-written Seungwoo one-shot is waiting for me but I don't know if I'll finish it today.

Anyway, I'll keep writing and keep supporting the members even if they are not X1 anymore.

#nani #why so dramatic #my leo ass really #nani's opinion

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chriscosenza · 4 years ago

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My Story So Far

My name is Chris and the purpose of this blog is to inform and encourage fellow believers and non-believers in Christ with truth found in scripture. I will be explaining confusing concepts and common misconceptions, as well as sharing themed devotional messages. For a first post, here is a summary of my personal experience with finding his purpose in my life in recent years.

Last October, I got to help start an online Bible study group with a few of my friends. This was huge for me because, as readers of this blog may be aware, I've struggled with selective mutism (a rare extreme fear of talking, basically) for most of my life, and still do quite a bit. This, of course, has led to difficulties in creating friendships, performance in school, and everyday interactions. I always assumed that I would just naturally “grow out of it” over time, that this fear would just disappear by itself. Thinking this way, I never seemed to make any progress at all. This fear was huge, it controlled my every thought and action, and there was no escape from it, or at least that's what it wanted me to believe.

It was around early 2016 when God reached out to me. I've always had an idea of who God is, but this was when I really met him and began to have an intimate relationship with him. During what was probably my worst point of anxiety, I got this feeling that I needed help. Not from people alone; from him. I made the decision to give God control of my life, because while fear can easily stop me, what power does it have over him? This unconditional trust in him changed everything.

That summer my family suggested I start working for a retreat center on the shore, known as Harvey Cedars Bible Conference. This idea, of course, terrified me. I expected going through the same misunderstanding and punishment that filled my experience in school, which led me to generally avoid being around anyone alone. I did it anyway, facing the discomfort, trusting that this was what needed to happen. This experience was and is so much different than I had thought, everyone was so loving, understanding, and comforting. I was treated like a normal person and finally started to feel as such. There was nothing to be afraid of here. When I allowed God to live through me, everything from the smallest details to the biggest decisions changed for the better, and I had a purpose. Later, in 2019, I met friends with sweet, kind hearts that made it very easy to grow comfortable with them. They sets a great example of what it means to live for God, and I've seen him use them several times already to change people's entire lives. Anyway, as I mentioned before, one of them invited me to start a little Bible study group with others from HCBC. Unlike what I would have done in the past, I immediately happily said yes! This group of godly people has shown each other nothing but genuine love, encouragement, wisdom, and so much more. I can talk to them with little to no fear now and share my own experiences to show them the same. It's incredible looking back at all this and seeing how God's plan for me is so much greater than I could ever have imagined. Who would've thought all of this would come out of everything I've been through? Not to say that everything is perfect now; I am still continuing to transition to this new life, but I really mean it when I say I could not have asked for any other way than your way and I love you, God. Thank you to every brother and sister in Christ who has been used as a part of this story, including the Bible Time group, HCBC staff, and my supportive family.

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theramseyloft · 5 years ago

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hey there, found your blog through a friend. ive been scanning your blog and patreon, and i felt like reaching out because, well... you're basically living my dream life, haha. i would love to do work like you do, rehabbing birds and training them, especially as companions/aids for disabled folks. pretty amazing! do you mind if i ask how you got started? is it an expensive venture? do you own farmland or live in a suburban area? im gonna send this before i take up too much of your time, haha. :)

I have raised ALL kinds of animals, but it was rats that lead me to pigeons.

I’ve had fish, herps, and inverts most of my life, so the way rats, mice, and Gerbils were able to bond with me felt really special.

Rats being the most intelligent and cooperatively social

When I had to stop raising small mammals, I wanted a pet that would similarly enjoy handling. Like, be happy/excited to see me when I got home, more than just wanting out.

Warm blooded, but non mammalian left birds.

Psitticines are wild animals that have needs WAY beyond our capability to meet, so they are all firmly on the no list.

I enjoyed Zebra finches, but my husband and I are sound sensitive, and he finds their song physically painful.

We can’t have chickens where we live...

Ringneck Doves ticked all the boxes for what I needed in a companion bird:

Docile/tractable Small/easy to house Easy to feed Physically incapable of biting or making painfully high pitched noises.

Turns out I was wrong about that last one! That’s pigeons. XD

We learned this with our first ringneck: An ANCIENT rescue and his wife named Nigel.

What a story those birds had!

My dear hubby was dubious about letting me raise another species, but after some shared research, was ok with me fostering some unwanted ones and finding them a new home.

I found them on Craig’s list, with cage and all.

When we went to pick them up, their owners explained that they had been unwanted, but traditional wedding gifts they felt they couldn’t refuse.

Ten years later, their owners had long ago gotten tired of caring for them, and just wanted them gone.

Their parents had purchased the pair when they retired from a magic show, and had had them as long as the couple could remember.

Having since sold white ringneck doves to magicians, I’ve learned that a trained dove retires between five and ten years of age, depending on temperament.

The parents were reported to have owned them for 15-20 years.

And the owners we picked them up from had had them for ten.

Making this pair of white Ringneck doves at LEAST 30 years old.

After this history, the wife brought them for us to take.

They were in a filthy black finch cage that had been left on their owner’s back porch long enough for a colony of fire ants to bring their own dirt and build a camp-nest in the bottom.

The birds were actively being swarmed and stung.

It took me a full thirty minutes to pull all of them off the two ancient doves...

It was touch and go for a bit, but they pulled through, and we found a home for the hen.

The cock, Nigel, had a twisted beak and the WORST coo!

High pitched and severely nasal, it could bore into your brain through ear plugs. >v<

He LOVED us, though, and liked to sing us the song of his people! At random. On Mike’s shoulder, directly into his ear. All hours of the night. During the day, up where we couldn’t reach him. Even through trying to shoo him off his favorite perch...

He had SO much personality, and even though his song caused both of us severe physical pain and prevented us from sleeping, we could not help growing to dearly love him back.

Mere weeks after my Dear Hubby decided he wanted Nigel to spend the rest of his life with us, his time ran out.

He passed very suddenly, in our arms.

We mourned him. Lamented having so little time.

And we considered where to go from there.

We decided to find a breeder, so we could get little peeps and have the maximum amount of time with what felt like the perfect pet for us.

I had no idea they could be parent raised and still be tame, so I raised that first pair like I had my Zebra finches in College.

We took them home just feathered enough to keep warm and fed them formula.

Gordon and Sasami were those babies.

And they were such a delight, we wanted nothing more than to share with the world how wonderful hand raised dove could be.

So I got the Dear hubby’s permission to seek out more breeding pair.

Between what I could buy and what I could raise, we ended up with 8, and then eventually 16 pair.

There was not much knowledge about keeping them as house pets, or their behavior, beyond what it took to get them to reproduce.

It was common at the time, and still is, to treat Ringneck Doves like small pigeons: Keeping them in large decorative flocks in an out door pen.

It was only through raising the young of my 16 pairs and letting them grow out free flying in the middle room of my home that I learned that these long since domesticated birds could be tamed through socialization from a young age, like a puppy.

But more importantly; just how vehemently anti-social they are!

One or two Ringneck Doves can be perfectly happy in an enclosure, but there should NEVER be more than two in any space where they can make physical contact!!!

They are VICIOUSLY territorial!

Every pair NEEDS to be an an individual enclosure, with ABSOLUTELY no way to make physical contact with any other bird, including and especially their own weanlings!

The second even their own peeps are fully self feeding, the parents start to mercilessly attack them, hell bent of driving out what they now see as an intruder invading their space and stealing their food and food from their future babies at any cost, up to and including killing them!

The actual Bird of Peace is the Rock Dove: the wild ancestor of the domestic Pigeon.

Two years after I started breeding doves, I started showing them. You can really only show doves in their own section of pigeon shows, and after seeing all the beautiful variation in pigeons, I was smitten.

I brought home my first pigeon egg from my second show: a Portuguese tumbler hen laid it in her show cage, and I was shocked to find that breeders usually just threw those away.

Pugsly was hatched by a pair of doves, and he was amazing.

Friendly, outgoing to the point of being obnoxious, adorably, delightfully funny.

SO much more personable than the doves!

At another show, I picked up some Classic Old Frills.

Them some Old German Owls a year later.

Then some Old dutch Capuchine.

The more breeds I worked with, the more fascinated I became with the differences in the temperaments of different breeds, and the more I found I enjoyed working with the pigeons.

I knew we had used pigeons for lots of interesting studies.

Like this one about the development of heart disease!

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2006/07/060729133950.htm

This one, using training tosses of urban homing pigeons wearing special back packs to monitor lead pollution

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/07/160719144733.htm

But these using their natural pattern recognition as a diagnostic tool for human diseases:

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/pigeons-can-spot-breast-cancer-medical-images-180957323/?utm_source=facebook.com&no-ist

https://www.audubon.org/news/how-common-street-bird-could-coach-doctors-against-bad-diagnosis

Led me to finding this article.

https://www.audubon.org/news/the-origins-our-misguided-hatred-pigeons

And it hit me like a ton of bricks:

Pigeons are not native to North America.

European settlers and immigrants brought them.

They had already been domesticated for thousands of years by then.

There is no such thing as a Wild pigeon in North America.

They are the avian equivalent of the street dog problem in Mexico:

Generations of domesticated animals entirely dependent on human hand outs or left overs for survival, with no shelters to take them in or sterilization programs to prevent more unwanted individuals from being born into a hostile environment that can’t support their numbers.

As long as I have bred any species of animal, I have been active in rescue, rehabilitation, fostering, and finding homes for unwanted individuals of that species.

For me, the two just go hand in hand.

I started volunteering for the local wildlife rehab as soon as I started breeding, initially using my domestic doves (that will raise absolutely anything) to foster orphaned Mourning and Eursadian Collared Doves: hoping to prevent them from bonding to me so that they could be soft released.

When it became known that I raised pigeons, I started getting calls for them too.

Ankhou was the first that needed really hands on care.

He arrived with a baby Mourning dove.

He and it were both recent orphans.

The wild native dove baby is well muscled, and the appropriate size for its age.

Ankhou, at 4 weeks old, should have looked like Pippin:

youtube

You can pretty accurately compare the difference between rehabbing a Mourning Dove and a Pigeon with the difference between rehabbing a grey fox kit and a stray puppy.

Like a grey fox, the Mourning dove is a native wild animal. It is absolutely vital to keep direct human interaction to the absolute minimum because developing a dependence on and friendliness towards humans will get them killed.

Either immediately and out right by hunters, or more slowly through malnutrition.

Puppies are not expected to survive in the wild, and absolutely NO rescuer would raise a puppy they found behind a garbage can or in a dumpster to weaning and nurse it to health only to dump it right back in the ally.

So I absolutely REFUSE to abandon a rescued pigeon by dumping it right back on the street it barely escaped from with its life and it honestly sickens me how many pigeon rescues advocate doing exactly that to any pigeon that doesn’t look purebred or fancy enough.

Feral Pigeons not being wild animals, and being an INTENSELY social and touch oriented species, it would not only not have been beneficial, but out right cruel not to interact with tiny, emaciated Ankhou.

Ankhou was going to take a VERY long time to catch up on enough of his development to safely find a home, so we ended up adopting instead of fostering him.

I spent a lot of time holding and talking to him, and he bonded so closely to me that the became sensitive to my anxiety attacks and started alerting for them.

He also started responding appropriately to requests, as if he actually understood them.

He had pretty severe separation anxiety, and if I stepped into the quarantine room to deal with a bird that might be ill, he would panic the moment his line of sight was interrupted.

If, however, I took the time to tell him “Ankhou, I need to go into quarantine. I will be back. Wait here.”, he would sit down in front of the door and wait quietly until I came back out with sterile hands.

This got me curious, and I started researching pigeon social and cognitive development.

As it turns out, they have a shockingly human society.

A pigeon flock is a large, extended family of birds.

Young birds don’t split off when they wean. They join the flock, forming a close knit friend group among the other weanlings from whom they will select mates as adults and with whom they will learn to find food, water, and nest materials and what to do with those.

Very like human children moving out of their parents’ house and forming bonds among their peers.

Pigeon society is an efficient democratic meritocracy.

Communication on the wing is INCREDIBLY efficient

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2015/06/150609213053.htm

They vote on nearly EVERYHTING

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/04/100416214045.htm

And if a leader proves to be ineffective, or a navigator inaccurate, the flock can and will vote to demote them.

https://www.audubon.org/news/in-homing-pigeon-flocks-bad-bosses-quickly-get-demoted

Pigeons are absolutely CRAZY-Smart!

Pigeons are capable of high level cognition. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releas…/2009/…/090212141143.htm

To the extent that they understand the concepts of space and time! https://www.sciencedaily.com/releas…/2017/…/171204144805.htm

They are self-aware enough to distinguish themselves from other pigeons, able to recognize themselves in photos, video, and mirrors AND differentiate between the three. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releas…/2008/…/080613145535.htm

Their brains are wired SHOCKINGLY similarly to ours: https://www.sciencedaily.com/releas…/2013/…/130717095336.htm

They categorize things and learn the equivalent of words the same way human toddlers do!

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releas…/2014/…/140402095107.htm https://www.sciencedaily.com/releas…/2015/…/150204184447.htm

They can even learn to read written language well enough to differentiate between a real word and an acronym with the same number of letters.

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releas…/2016/…/160919111535.htm

They are pattern mapping social learners. Exactly like we are!

Building on this list of scientific studies, I started to experiment with teaching each successive generation of the resident pigeons to understand the basics of verbal communication by the same mechanic as one would a toddler.

And in just the last two years with Ankhou, I have learned that they can literally learn to understand both spoken AND written human language, and literally all it takes is talking to a pigeon as if it is a nonverbal human toddler who does not know that word yet to be able to teach them to understand object words, action words, emotion words, names, and locations.

Pigeons are pets you can literally communicate to in your native language.

It is absolutely amazing!

Ankhou was not trained to alert for my anxiety attacks.

He literally did that AND started alerting me for blood sugar spikes entirely on his own.

Not even a pigeon hatched in a human house hold. A feral.

No special genetics. No training what so ever.

Just a pigeon being a pigeon: bonding with what he considered a flock mate, and getting worried when he noticed something was wrong.

Which made me wonder: What would happen if specific traits conducive to bonding with humans and being sensitive to their emotional state were selected for in a population?

What if those birds were given at least basic communication training? On top of the matching we already do by temperament.

I’m actually working on documenting our finances and plan to discuss them in more detail at the end of the month.

Just taking in rescues to foster is an expensive process.

You need to have quarantine space that keeps new birds as completely separated from your residents as possible.

You need a vet who is either experienced with or willing to learn to treat pigeons. Each new bird will need, at absolute least, a fecal test for parasites.

You need to have dip on hand for external parasites, and the funds to buy what ever wormer, anti fungal, antibiotic, or anintimicrobial is required to treat what ever the fecal exam turns up.

Which could legitimately be all of the above, as I have had one individual come in with two species of lice, two species of intestinal worms, coccidiosis, AND salmonella, all at the same time. I have had several others come in with Trich or thrush in place of or in addition to the coccidia or salmonella.

Most will come in malnourished or injured on top of being sick and/or parasitized.

You REALLY have to plan for the worst with rescues.

Because taking in animals you cannot house or feed or for whom you are unable to provide the necessary medical care is NOT rescuing them.

It is subjecting them to the exact neglect that rescuers intend to save them from.

It is REALLY easy for big hearted people to find themselves overwhelmed and exhausted trying to save every one, and that is something every one who wants to rescue needs to keep in mind for the sake of their health as much as the quality of their care.

I live in a trailer park in Ga, on a little plot of land just big enough to say I have a front and back yard.

The modest inheritance my parents left me and my sister when they passed funded the loft being built, and my husband’s job pays for what ever daily maintenance and veterinary care that bird and harness sales and my Patreon can’t cover.

It was designed around comfort and disease prevention for them and pain management for me. It really makes my day to know that people have enough interest in my work to ask detailed questions!

It’s a bit of a bear for an autistic woman with ADHD to get to a bunch of them all at once, but I still REALLY want to hear them and am THRILLED to get to answer!

It’s easier for me to answer in detail if I can focus on one question at a time, though.

There is absolutely no limit to the number I am willing to answer, so don’t be afraid to flood my inbox with a ton of individual questions. ^v^

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imagitory · 5 years ago

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*exhales heavily*

Okay...I don’t usually go off the deep end in political essays that often. If it’s a quick thing like “f**k Neo-Nazis,” then sure, fine, that’s easy. I don’t have to explain why Neo-Nazis -- especially the cowardly ones that try to label themselves as the “alt-right” in a vain attempt to seem more acceptable to modern society -- can go screw themselves. Everyone already knows they’re awful -- or at least, everyone should already know they’re awful. If you’re the sort of person that wants to try to “teach” me about how the alt-right are not Neo-Nazis, then this post isn’t for you, so kindly don’t interact and keep scrolling.

This post is instead for my Democratic followers, whether you support Bernie, Biden, Warren, whatever. Please feel free to skip over it, though, my dear followers -- I know this whole political season has been very draining, and I have a lot more positive posts on my blog that you can consult instead. If you do want to read my thoughts, though, here’s a cut.

Hi, guys. How’s it going? We really dodged a bullet with Bloomberg dropping out of the race, didn’t we? At least now no one should be able to say Democrats and Republicans are alike, right? The Democrats kicked their racist, sexist, obnoxious, out-of-touch billionaire accused of multiple sexual assaults to the curb, while the Republicans made theirs president.

On that note, though...we still have the Republican version of Michael Bloomberg -- the one and only Donald Trump -- in office. We all remember how he got there...Hillary won the popular vote, but thanks to the ridiculously outdated electoral college rules and Russian interference, the electoral votes went Trump’s way. We could conjure up multiple reasons for Hillary’s loss, but at least in my opinion, I would say we learned a few lessons from the 2016 election that I think we should keep in mind. (Alongside making sure Russians butt the hell out of our elections and fact-checking all the rampant misinformation from our media outlets.)

1) We Democrats have more things in common than we might think, sometimes.

Clinton was infinitely closer to Bernie, politics-wise, than Bernie was to Trump or Gary Johnson. Yet there were those who were so upset about Hillary’s nomination and the role Democratic Party officials had in coaxing delegates to support her that they protest-voted against Hillary, even if that vote wasn’t in their best interest. We don’t have a system that lets us rank who we want for office from most to least, so sometimes we have to accept a bird in the hand rather than reach for two in the bush. You might feel good about voting your conscience in the short term, but you probably won’t when it results in your vote being a drop in the bucket that doesn’t prevent someone like Donald Trump from winning. We’ve already seen this happen not just in the Trump-Clinton election of 2016, but in the Bush-Gore election of 2000.

2) Despite that first point, if we want unity, our Democratic candidate must be aware of how diverse our party is.

Even if we do end up having to settle for a less liberal candidate in order to win an election, that candidate MUST acknowledge that we are not like the Republican Party. We will not march lock-step with people we don’t agree with just because they’re in our party or we agree with some things, and we will certainly not be satisfied with simple pacifism. The Republican Party has been tilting farther and farther to the right over the last three decades, to the point that their policies now involve mass internment of Mexican immigrants and family separation, directly paralleling plans carried out by the THIRD EFFIN’ REICH. We cannot keep begging for civility and peace and trying to reach a compromise -- you cannot compromise with this kind of extremism without sacrificing all of your principles, because those kinds of people do not make concessions.

I remain convinced even after four years that Hillary should’ve chosen Bernie to be her running mate -- if she had, the rift between the centrist and more liberal branches of the Democratic Party might have been healed enough that we could’ve looked at our ticket with excitement and hope, as we had for Obama and Biden back in 2008. Instead Hillary chose Tim Kaine, an inoffensive centrist Democrat who added absolutely nothing to her presidential bid. He couldn’t even help Hillary out by boosting the campaign with youthful energy or natural charm -- Bernie would’ve both boosted morale among younger and/or more liberal voters and lit a fire under those who were anxious about what a Trump presidency could lead to. The same could’ve been true if Bernie had been chosen to be president -- if he’d chosen Hillary, she could’ve better appealed to moderate voters intimidated by the thought of voting for a Democratic Socialist and run on her international experience as Secretary of State.

3) In order to make any difference at all, we must vote, and we must win.

I’m the first person to acknowledge that I hate voting against my convictions. If the Democrats had chosen Michael Bloomberg, I would’ve probably been ready for whole-scale revolution, right then and there. But let’s be frank here -- in 2016, we got complacent. We assumed that Trump would lose. We assumed that America wouldn’t choose racism, or Islamaphobia, or sexism, or Nazism. BUT WE DID. In the end, our country -- like many other countries before us were -- is more afraid of the promise of social change than we are of the threat of fascism. Yes, I called Trump’s vision of the country fascism, and I stand by it. Fascism is defined as far-right, authoritarian ultranationalism characterized by dictatorial authority, forcible suppression of opposition, and strong regimentation of society and the economy and often supplemented with government-sanctioned racism -- and yeah, given that Trump clearly wants to do whatever he wants whenever he wants without facing any consequences for his actions, persecute any so-called “enemies,” make money for himself while in office (even using his office and political power to achieve that end), and scapegoat minorities, I think my point is made. And so I will state it again -- America is more afraid of the future and the progress that could come with it than it is of the cruelty, bigotry, and tyranny of our past. It’s an absolute tragedy, but it’s true. Americans were absolutely terrified of Obamacare until it actually became law and people saw how cool it was, not to be booted off your care for preexisting conditions and stuff. Once that happened, Americans were ready to bite off the hand of any Republican who made any move toward repealing it. If it’s something we’ve never done before, it’s beaten back like the plague, but once it’s something we’ve become accustomed to, you can tear it from our cold, dead hands.

In the 1930′s, Germany had a choice between three political parties -- the Communists, the Democratic Socialists, and the Nazis -- and in the end, the reason the Nazis got power was because the Communists and the Socialists could not band together to stop that greater threat. The Nazis were able to paint a pretty picture to the German people of returning their country to its supposedly long lost, mythic greatness, and they won power, even if they were still not the majority when Hitler got into office. And as soon as the Nazis got power, they never let it go and went out of their way to destroy both Communists and Socialists, just like they did with Jewish people, the Romani, and the rest. We are at such a crossroads now. I am deathly afraid that the Republicans will try to find some way to keep power even if Trump were to lose, but we cannot let that happen. We must stand together, strong and united.

The more liberal of us must acknowledge that radical change cannot be put into place quickly. Our system is broken and falling apart thanks to the Republicans’ on-going sabotage, and we cannot hope to remodel our house until our foundation is secure. Even the Republicans were not able to destroy our country in so many ways these last four years without dismantling a lot of other things first -- corrupting our elections with money thanks to the Citizens United ruling -- sparking two wars in Iraq and Afghanistan that drained us of money and added to the backlog of veterans that have yet to receive their deserved financial support -- intimidating political officials away from substantive gun control legislation -- chipping away at abortion rights nation-wide -- stacking the courts, both local and Supreme, with unqualified, strongly right-leaning candidates -- gerrymandering districts like crazy so as to split Democratic-leaning areas and puff up Republican-leaning ones -- even spreading misinformation through shows on their own private so-called “News” network. It will take time to repair all of the damage the Republicans have wrought, but we must first win if we are even to have the chance to try.

On the flip side, the more centrist of us must acknowledge that we cannot go back to the way we were because the way we were was WRONG. We might have nostalgic visions of it being more civil and peaceful, but the tremors of war were still rippling under our feet. The Neo-Nazi rats that elected Trump were gathering under us, and we let them. We let them gain enough confidence to come out into the light in large numbers and we stood by, assuming that they wouldn’t succeed in their goals. We ignored the rampant spread of anti-immigrant rhetoric and Islamaphobia -- we downplayed the racism, the homophobia, and the sexism. Sometimes it was due to arrogance, and sometimes it was due to flat-out indifference, because those things didn’t directly affect us. We should know by now that that rosy view of our past was not how things were -- just as many of our Founding Fathers were still slave owners, and America interned our own citizens in camps during World War II, and the supposedly great Ronald Reagan turned a blind eye while thousands of Americans died of AIDS, our country saw the signs of racism, xenophobia, and ultranationalism coming out in full again and didn’t fight back. And now that racist, xenophobic ultranationalism is in control of the Oval Office. If we have any chance of stopping them, we can’t simply go backwards -- we must charge ahead. We can’t simply pretend like everything can go back to normal -- we must accept responsibility for what we’ve done and pursue justice in making things right. We must fight back against these far-right, tyrannical policies and we must pay restitution to those our country has hurt. I do not want the Mexican families we have destroyed to be treated the way our Japanese American brethren were after they were released from the internment camps in the 40′s -- dismissed and forgotten, with our flag figuratively slapping them in the face every time some stupid guy crowed his head off about America being the greatest country on earth. I may have hated Trump’s immigration policy -- I might not have voted for him -- but he still represents my country, and therefore me, to the rest of the world, and even if he’ll never apologize for a single damn thing that he’s done, I want my country to make things right.

Maybe once a Democrat -- even if it’s a centrist like Biden -- is in the White House again, we’ll have the chance for real change -- good change. We certainly won’t get it as long as we’re stuck on the outside looking in.

Now of course, even when this whole presidential thing is done, we can’t rest on our laurels. We must get out in force for local elections too -- we must take back the Senate and keep control of the House. We must pressure our lawmakers to get the money out of politics, and fix gerrymandering, and restore environmental protections, and hold corporations accountable, and tax the rich, and abolish the Electoral College, and put term limits on Congresspeople, and impeach Brett Kavanaugh, and fund dismantling the backlog on VA benefits, and cancel student loan debt, and implement universal health care, and pass gun control legislation, and do all the other things we need done.

I really hope that whichever candidate we end up with -- whether it’s Biden (*sighs begrudgingly*), Bernie (*smiles*), or Warren (*wiggles in glee*) -- that candidate will strongly consider choosing a Vice President who is either more centrist (if they’re more liberal) or more liberal (if they’re more centrist) and filling their Cabinet with those other ex-presidential hopefuls who still have something to offer. Kamala Harris was Attorney General of California -- why not have her become Attorney General of the United States next? How about Tom Steyer as Head of the EPA, or Cory Booker as Secretary of Housing and Urban Development?

Here’s the thing about us being more diverse in thought than the Republicans -- it means we have a great swath of very different members with very different skill sets, as well as the ability to learn, critique, rationalize, change, and improve. And if we are to defeat an institution like Trump’s that demands lock-step, mindless obedience and praise, it seems to me that’s something we should use to our advantage.

#excuse me politics coming through #personal #hopefully I won't get too many of my followers upset with this #feel free to ignore this if you're not in the mood for politics I get it #democrats #republicans #i just republiCAN’T #donald trump #joe biden #elizabeth warren #bernie sanders #opinion #oh boy here i go

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hobiwonder · 6 years ago

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Fifty Shades of Jimin | (m)

Pairing: Jimin x Reader

Genre: Smut, some plot if you squint??. Noona!reader. Sub!Jimin

Warnings: Dry sex, dry humping. Dirty talk. Just some good old foreplay. Noona kink.

Words: 6.5k

Summary: Remember when jimin once said he couldn't rec the books he read because they were a little... yeah.

A/N: this is also from my old blog but i deleted it from there too bc i hated it jkbdeifuwbfl. one of the first smuts I ever wrote and im so sorry for posting so much jimin lately lmao. but like he’s so easy for me to write. I edited this a little bit to make it less horrendous since I wrote it over a year and half ago oops. hope you guys enjoy. feedback appreciated my loves.

Today you decided to finally go to the dorms to teach English to V, Jimin and Jungkook as you had all planned. But seeing as the boys were always so busy, your plans kept getting interrupted and they had to leave for their Promo in Japan for their Japanese album and MV of Blood, Sweat and Tears. You saw them at least once a month in the past 6 or so months since your aunt was the senior stylist for BigHit and you liked to tag along to her work. Nonetheless, you and the younger ones, despite you being 2 years older than Jimin, had still decided to spend some time together outside of work related events to have a fun session of English. You had become quite close with the BigHit family over these months and you loved seeing the boys. It all started when your aunt decided to take you to work with her to the dress rehearsals for MAMA in 2016.

You having just returned from overseas after completing your degree, knew minimal details about the entertainment and idol culture in Korea. Having grown up surrounded by Kanye West and Britany Spears, you always thought that the Korean pop scene was way too manufactured and lacked authenticity. You didn’t quite understand how hard could it be being an idol. You just had to look good, sound moderately respectable and dye your hair every other month, right? Didn’t sound too challenging, given that you have those idol looks. It always seemed to come down to looks it seemed. Thus, you never paid much attention to your Aunt’s job or recognized your mother’s efforts to send you back to Korea to maybe tie the knot with a rich idol – Typical mother wanting to set you up for life.

However, when you did decide to finally go abroad and take a break from your normal life, your aunt had convinced you somehow to make a trip to Korea. After being in the country for just 2 weeks, you had quickly found out how busy she was with continuous shopping trips to plan outfits for the idol group she worked with, in advance. It was then that you had found out that she worked for BigHit and was a senior stylist and makeup artist for the famous boy group, BTS. You had heard a fair bit about them from your Korean friends and even some American friends who raved about their looks and voices, but mostly looks, which further pulled you away from having any genuine interest. Though, being too focused on your studies and just the normal party scene, you didn’t deem it too important to pay attention or inquire from your aunt if she knew, let alone worked for the famous boys that everyone seemed to swoon over. After not being able to spend a decent day together even when living with her for a good 2 weeks, it was then that your aunt decided to take you to work with her so you can meet the famous Bulletproof boys that your aunt also seemed to fangirl over.

When you had arrived at the BigHit building, you were instantly met by curious, yet warm stares. No doubt wondering who the foreigner was. Your aunt was quick to introduce you to everyone and soon enough, everyone on the team had welcomed you with open arms, taking extra care of you as a guest of your aunt. Every room had been bustling with people running around, calling out each other’s names to make sure each one had done their part and were ready for fittings. The boys had arrived shortly after, greeting everyone with bows and smiles. The first thing that you noticed was how beautiful they all were. Of course, you were expecting them to be quite eye catching but never did you think they would be this handsome. The first one to notice a new face was V, whose real name you later learned to be Taehyung. He had come up to you and smiled his charismatic boxy smile and waved while greeting you in Korean, which you returned. His smile was seriously contagious. After that, you greeted the rest of the boys, each one of them making your jaw almost drop at how their skin glowed. Though, you had only greeted 6 boys. You had been told there were 7 members? You shrugged and chatted with the ones that were present. You could mostly understand Korean and speak some passable Korean but you still preferred to reply to your aunt in English, being the most comfortable with it. So when you had begun chatting with them, it was no problem connecting with them all as you could understand them and they could understand your English fairly well, helping you when you did reply in Korean.

Every once in a while, you would forget to pay attention to what they were saying, getting distracted by their sharp features and handsome faces. It was then when your aunt called for you from the room adjacent to where you all sat, you excused yourself and went to see what she was after, finally, meeting the last member known as Jimin. You remember being completely entranced by a head of cool blonde hair, a face chiselled to perfection and lips plumper than yours and as red as strawberries. Your first thought had been about how they would taste and the thought had been interrupted when the boy that all those features belong to had noticed you standing in the doorway and smiled hesitantly, not being completely sure about how to react seeing an unfamiliar face. Your aunt in turn also noticed the stiffness in the boy’s body as she was tightening the collar of his shirt and looked up to ask you to fetch a piece of garment for her. You mutely followed her instructions. when you finally came back to face the boy again, your aunt, at last, decided to introduce you two. Jimin had smiled in understanding that you were there with your aunt and had given you a cute smile that reached his eyes, almost completely closing them. when you smiled back and extended your hand to shake his, he had shyly looked at it and shook yours while the mysterious little smile still played on his lips. Once again, you were entranced by his good looks and immediately face palmed internally at your earlier first thought of making out with him when he was shy as fuck with just even shaking your hand. After Jimin’s fitting had finished, he had joined the rest of the group. One by one, all of them had their fittings done while you hung out with them, surprisingly having the best time, and enjoying their company more than you expected to.

You had a completely different scenario in mind. You had imagined them to be stuck up, being too busy with keeping up their idol image even behind the scenes and barely engaging with the team. All of them had proven you wrong, talking to almost everyone at the company, being cooperative and even welcoming you, a practical stranger and making you feel at ease. All of them were insanely handsome, down to earth and funny as hell. Throughout the day you found yourself doubling over with laughter multiple times watching the boys interact with each other. Especially the eldest, Jin, had been the biggest player in providing the laughs while the others had teased him and each other about various things. However, you noticed that even the youngest, Jungkook had warmed up to you despite having the reputation of being ‘scared’ of girls and seemed quite comfortable around you. Perhaps maybe it was because you were older than him. No matter, Jimin, the boy with lips made to sin, was still shy, never directly meeting your gaze or making direct conversation. Always settling with just chiming in when other members talked to you first. Whatever it was, you found it insanely cute that he was this shy even though you should be the one who gets flustered in this scenario seeing how his beauty surpassed yours by a million. It also made you feel quite guilty when your thoughts turned x-rated every once in a while when you caught his shy gaze. He looked too cute and innocuous for his own good. Too pure.

That was, however, to be expected. Having grown up in overseas, there was no such thing as shame and you weren’t exactly the virgin Mary either. The culture in Korea was entirely different and you were certain that Jimin, and the rest of the boys, were not raised in an environment as sexually open and liberated as yours. In fact, you were certain that Jimin was inexperienced, if not a virgin. Keeping that fact in mind, you noticed that you chastised yourself quite often over the coming months.

It was like you couldn’t keep it in your pants. You noticed that all the boys acted cuter than sexy and that seemed to be the case for pretty much any idol. Sure, there were sexy ‘concepts’ but that is pretty much all. The Korean audience always preferred cuteness over sexiness. A lot of it also having to do with how too much sexiness being disapproved and looked down upon by the older generation and you could respect that. However, it was hard not to let your mind wander to the gutter when you saw them perform for the first time. It had taken your breath away to see a completely different side of the boys come out when they were on stage. Once again, you were charmed. Perhaps, the biggest change in aura was a tie between Hoseok and Jimin. Both having a bright, bubbly and sweet personality off stage and being the complete opposite on stage with their sharp moves, fearless expressions and languid body movements. J-Hope appeared to be more fearless with sharp movements whereas Jimin’s dancing had you spellbound and wondering how a human body can move so effortlessly and gracefully, exuding a cool sexiness while simultaneously maintaining his undeniable innocent character that he portrayed to his audience.

These weeks turned into months of keeping in contact with them all through your aunt’s job and you got closer. Your friendship with the hyung line had developed more so than with the younger ones. This was mostly due to your personality being more on the serious side. Though that’s not to say that you didn’t immensely enjoy Jin’s ridiculous dad jokes and even encouraged him on more than one occasion. Talking to Namjoon in English also had a big part in it and seeing as Hoseok’s English was good enough to converse with him as well as Yoongi so you tended to gravitate towards the elders more than the young ones. But this didn’t stop the shouts of ‘Noona’ from the younger boys whenever they wanted to show you something they found to be cool or when Jungkook was simply being the little brat he was. Before you knew it, Producer Bang had asked you to teach the boys some basic conversing English, given that you had graduated college, so the pressure is somewhat lifted from Namjoon’s shoulders. You had happily agreed to it as an informal arrangement because you had started a fulltime Job.

And finally, here you were, finally at the dorms. You furrowed your eyebrows at the unusual silence in the house.

“Jungkook?” You call out, taking off your shoes and placing them on the shoe rack. After hearing silence, you figured that since you were still in the hallway, they just didn’t hear you. Walking further in to the living room, inspecting your surroundings, which had no signs of any of the boys being home as the TV was off and the game console that is usually always on standby, was also off. Sighing, you knew that the older boys were going to be out but having a suspicion that the younger ones weren’t home either.

“Taehyung? Are you guys in your rooms?” You call out as you walk towards the kitchen and to their bedrooms, knocking. After no response, you open the door and as predicted, there was no one in sight.

“Should have known.” you click your tongue, pursing your lips in annoyance because this wasn’t the first time they had done this. Suddenly, you hear a noise coming from further away. Your head snaps up, looking towards the direction of the noise.

So someone was home. Walking out of the room slowly and silently, hoping to figure out what and where it was coming from, soon enough, you hear it again. However, it was noticeably a moan, though you couldn’t figure out whether the person was in pain or not. You notice the noise coming from Jimin’s room and your heart starts racing thinking someone had broken in but that was impossible – they had 24hr security so you calm yourself down.

Walking forward towards the room, your anger returns, waiting to be taken out on whichever one of the boys was in the room. You drove 20 minutes just for these brats to not even be at home? Just as you were about to knock on the door, the undeniable sound of a moan stops you in your tracks. And not just anyone’s; Jimin’s moan? The one that seemed to be the cutest, shyest of the bunch according to you. The sound was utterly scandalous and shocking while your mouth going a bit dry, thinking about what was happening.

It was pretty clear now, at what was going on behind the door. This house was always full of boys. You couldn’t exactly blame them if one of them decided to take advantage of the privacy. You contemplate if you should just leave, or confront Jimin about the plans you guys had made. Give him a peace of your mind and ask him why didn’t he stop the other boys from making other plans when they knew you were coming over.

You being the hothead you were, decide to go with the later. Knocking on the door twice, calling his name more clearly now. “Jimin? Can I come in?”

You hear shuffling on the other end and a stuttered response from Jimin telling you to wait a minute. When he finally opens the door, you are met with a swollen lipped and sweat flushed Jimin. His pupils are visibly dilated; his hair is a mess as if he had run his hands through it a thousand times. You couldn’t think of a sexier picture. BUT, you wanted to stay focused on tearing the brat a new one for having the nerve to jerk off and blowing off your plans like it’s nothing. You especially made time for this.

“Noona? W-What’re you doing here?” He asks looking at you, nervously fidgeting with his hands.

“What am I doing here? You seriously don’t remember? We were supposed to have a lesson today?” You say as you push past him and into the room, exasperated.

Jimin follows you in, with a confused look as the wheels turned in his head. After a few seconds of his looking at you puzzled while you deadpan him, it seems to click.

“Oh shit.” He face palmed himself, looking at you sheepishly. “Please believe me noona, it really did slip my mind.”

“Don’t ‘oh shit’ me you dingus. I had reminded you two days ago and even texted you this morning.” You glare harshly at him, plopping down on his bed and folding your arms under your chest.

Jimin avoids your gaze as he looks down with an embarrassed smile, scratching the back of his neck. The action lifts his shirt up, giving you a peak at his solid V line, dragging your mind back to hell. Jimin had started saying something, though you could barely remember what as you take in his attire. He looked soft, pink and ready for bed and his sweatpants were extremely distracting. When you reach his face, you are met with reluctant eyes that had obviously caught you checking him out. The blush on his face said so clearly.

You sigh for the second time in less than 10 minutes, leaning back on your arms and looking around his room which was somewhat messy.

“You know that I don’t live close by and had to make time for our lesson. Yet you let those two brats go and are having the time of your life here by yourself.” It was a statement and Jimin listened on obediently with his hands in front of him, eyes respectfully drawn downwards.

“Well… i-if it makes you feel any better, I’ve been reading English books?” He says hopefully.

“Yeah? What books?” He goes to look in his bedside drawer and pulls out several English books and sits beside you, ready to be a dutiful student. Though that’s not what makes your blood run hot and saliva starting to pool in your mouth. Definitely not it. It’s definitely not the way his sweatpants hint at what’s underneath, due to him sitting with his legs spread, either. Though it definitely makes you want to fuck him even more.

“Noona?” you noticed that you had completely stilled and not heard, for the second time, what Jimin had been previously saying. Instead, your eyes are firmly locked on the copy of Fifty Shades of Grey beside the pillow. You were guessing he had tried to hide it, though it clearly didn’t work out. You don’t know what had possessed you to do the things you were about to do, but clearly, the lust for this damn boy had finally won. Picking up the book and bringing it in Jimin’s line of sight as well you look him straight in the eyes. Completely composed except the rising heat in your body. He on the other hand, looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

“Is this your idea of ‘studying’ English, Jiminie?” You quirk up your brow. Beside you, Jimin had gone completely still, breathing hard, trying to look anywhere but at you.

“I-I can explain n-noona.”

“Oh? You can?” you asked in a voice dripping with honey. Sometime between this exchange, you have leaned closer to him, almost feeling his breath on your face. Jimin visibly gulps, desperately trying to think of something to say. Tsking in his face at the lack of his response. Who knew Jimin was into getting off to erotic books?

“I never imagined you to be the one to read dirty books, sweet Jiminie. I guess you have been fooling everyone all this time huh?” your face was even closer to his now. His was beet red, breathing quite firm now while his eyes constantly shifting from your lips to your eyes. Impulsively, you lick your lips at the sight of his plush ones that were currently shiny and swollen.

“I thought you were about to explain yourself? Use your words brat.” You say loudly this time causing Jimin to gasp and back away slightly in alarm.

“I-It has a n-nice storyline?” He says more like a question than his own opinion. Scoffing at his reply, knowing that he was clearly trying to save face you shake your head tauntingly at him. Having way too much fun with his flushed face and furrowed brows that made it look like he was genuinely scared of you.

“Please, honey, we both know that it has little to no storyline. Are you lying to me Jimin?”

“N-No?”

“First I find out that you forgot about your English lesson and now you are trying to make a fool of me?” You almost spit out the words. You are definitely being overdramatic. But the reaction that you are getting from him is worth it. Plus, he did piss you off anyway. This was incredibly hot to you. The fact that Jimin read this filthy book, a BDSM book at that, and got off to it, turned you on to no end.

“No n-noona, that’s n-not-”

“Then tell me the real reason you were reading this.” Jimin looks extremely conflicted, deciding between keeping his pride or letting go in this extremely heated scenario but when you look him dead in the eyes as you nearly spit the words out, he finally speaks

“I don’t have all day Jimin, don’t waste my time more than you already have.”

Then, you heard the faintest whisper – breathless and shameful. You weren’t even sure if you actually heard it at all.

“It’s hot..”

“What was that babe? You read it because you it makes you hot?”

Jimin bit his plump bottom lip, looking up before meeting your gaze and nodding his head. That was all the confirmation you needed to go ahead with this. Believe it or not, you actually were thinking about just leaving, not taking this any further because you were sure no one was going to praise you for bedding an idol who was 2 years your Junior – in Korea at least. It wasn’t much of a difference really. But in the society you lived, it definitely would be as opposed to where you came from.

“Oh Jiminie… you like reading porn? Hm? You liked reading about some rich guy fucking a girl for his pleasure, doing all sorts of dirty things to her? Hm?” You egg him on and he doesn’t move his eyes away from you.

Jimin’s breathing is getting more and more laboured by the passing second. You move your hands from your lap to place it on his thigh. Dragging your fingers slowly up and down as Jimin’s eye follow their movements. Then he nods once again.

“Use your words Jiminie.”

“Y-Yes.”

“Were you touching yourself when I knocked?” You whisper tantalisingly, dragging your hands up to his face hoping he’d let loose a bit, and indulge your filthy desires to have him come undone. He was warm beneath your touch, unusually so.

“W-What if I say yes?” You chuckle lowly against his face at his shaky response. Your forehead was now resting against his as your hand was on his right cheek, keeping him to you firmly.

“Then I guess you’re a dirty little boy Jimin, touching yourself over a dirty book.” You tsked once again. “Tell me, did you imagine it was you getting your cock sucked in the book, instead of the male character?” Jimin lookw completely lost in your words, almost in a trance as he stares in your eyes.

“Yes.” This was the first time he had replied without stuttering. You take that as a good sign – continuing. Though, you are slowly losing control yourself too. He just looked so hot sitting there, completely compelled by you with his eyes now closed, answering you like his life depended on it, skin shining with perspiration and smelling like orange blossom. You close your eyes, willing yourself to be stronger for a bit more, tease him a bit more. You sigh again, for the third time, however this time, due to the heavy desire clouding your brain.

“Did you imagine someone doing it to you? Taking your cock in their mouth?”

“Y-Yes.” Your breath hitched. You had some idea, or maybe it was your wishful thinking, that he thought about you. You had caught him more than once - multiple occasions – staring at you then looking away bashfully.

“Who… who did you think of?” At this question his eyes shoot open, looking into yours as if to decide whether it would be appropriate for him to answer. You laugh inside, knowing that all the barriers of pertinence have been surpassed.

“Y-you…noona.” He whimpers. Actually whimpers aloud and you almost groan out loud at his answer. In a flash you have pushed Jimin back on the bed and straddled his hips, leaning down until your hair fell to the side and face was a mere inch away from his. Both of your breaths were shallow. Jimin looked a bit surprised from being still all this while and then your sudden outburst. Though you definitely preferred this position as it allowed you to feel every ridge of Jimin’s perfectly sculpted body. Your core aligning with his perfectly.

“You’re so bad Jiminie… thinking about noona like that.” You shake your head slowly in mock admonishment, looking into his eyes that were still enlarged with surprise. It seemed like Jimin didn’t know where to put his hands, on the bed or your hips. Even in your compromising position, still, he hesitated.

“I’m sorry noona I-I-” He sounded almost ashamed. To ease his discomfort, you decide to fess up yourself as well.

“It’s okay baby, noona has been thinking naughty things about you too. How can I not, when you look like this.” You bit your lip looking down between your bodies, noticing how hard he was underneath you. Pressing angrily against your clit. This was the great pro of Jimin not being insanely tall, being able to press him directly against your core while still being able to reach his lips. Speaking of his lips, you decided to kiss them. You finally leaned down, brushing yours against his plump ones.

“Jiminie, noona is going to kiss you now, would you like that?” Jimin’s eyes have closed instinctively, anticipating the kiss, nodding his head. And then you pressed down on him lightly, prompting him to be vocal.

“Y-Yes please, kiss me.”

This was all you needed as you crashed your lips against his, moaning as your lips met and tasted his for the first time. It didn’t take long until you felt the first swipe of his tongue against your lips and you both opened your mouths, slipping your tongues and tasting each other deeper. Jimin tasted of strawberry lollipops that he always was sucking on and it made your head spin. His hands were now on your waist, careful to keep them away from your hips until you took his hands pushed them further down. You felt like you were drowning in him as his kisses were getting out of control. Your efforts to keep the kiss slow and sensual were being interrupted by Jimin’s needy ones as he kept leaning up, giving you short but deep kisses as if he would die without them. It was almost getting hard to breath so you broke away to take in a much needed gulp of air. Jimin leaned up, chasing your lips with his eyes still closed. Instead, he settled for your neck, digging his face in, just resting there while he sucked the skin gently.

“Jimin, honey, s-slow down.” You gasped as he grazed his teeth against the skin in his mouth. Irrefutable pleasure was coursing through your body and you had barely done anything with Jimin except kiss. Jimin was truly like a drug. He was fucking addicting. You already knew that this won’t be the last time you touch him like this. And by the looks of it, seems like Jimin won’t either. He was now whimpering, making whiney sounds trying to get you to kiss him again.

“N-noona, please.”

“Please what baby?” You grasped his hair, pulling him back from your neck to look into his glistening eyes.

“Do something.” He moaned out, pushing up into your hips, making you gasp and push down. You grabbed his hands and pinned his arms above his head with a tough tug.

“Don’t tell me what to do brat and do not move until I tell you to. Understood?”

When Jimin nodded his head you grasped his cheeks with your hand, making his plush lips stand out even more in a pout.

“I said, do you understand?”

“Yes. Yes, I understand. But please, d-do something. I-It hurts.” At the sound of a helpless Jimin, your resolve was weakening and you softened your tone.

“Hurts where baby? Tell me, let noona fix it.” You ask sweetly. Jimin rolls his head to the side with a bite of his lips.

“Y-You know where, please.”

“I’m afraid I don’t Jiminie. Tell me. Come on, you can do it.” You coo gently, free hand caressing his cheeks.

Jimin closed his eyes burying his face in your neck and whispering his answer softly.

“M-My dick.”

“What baby?” You ask again with a pitiless smirk on your face, wanting him to be senseless; almost. And god bless, it was worth it considering Jimin was now a moaning, whimpering and whiney mess.

“Fuck, my cock Y/N. It hurts. Please touch m-my cock.”

With a low chuckle, you fastened your hands back up, pinning his to the bed as you started to move your hips back and forth on the hardened length underneath, slowly. As soon as you started, Jimin had lost control over his vocal cords it seemed. You never suspected that calm and collected Jimin, the bashful cute boy, to be this vocal and messy in bed.

“Ah. Yes! yes yes yes noona. Fuck me. Rub your pussy on me Y/N, fuck yes.” His words were burning you alive. Your pace was increasing with each chant from his mouth and slightly due to Jimin’s constant squirming, trying to stay still and obeying your command. To be honest, you didn’t care at this point. The pressure in your lower stomach was starting to build. All that build up from before had you coming nearly to your end. Not to forget that Jimin turned out to be a dirty talker anda moaner. Fuck, he was a moaner. His sounds alone were making you come undone.

“Noona.” Jimin whined in his incredibly sexy, raspy voice.

“Yeah baby?”

“M-More, please, I’m so close.”

You let go of his arms, reaching down to pull his shirt up and over his head, coming in contact with his hard pectoral and abdominal muscles. Jimin had taken this opportunity to push his hips up into you, making you half gasp and moan at the hard length pushing against your clit so deliciously – just right. You brace yourself placing your hands on his chest, breathing hard.

“Jimin, baby, h-hold on a minute. Let’s take these off.” You say as you begin pulling his sweats off him, leaning back to take them off completely. Jimin gladly helped as he looked about ready to burst. You were definitely not prepared for what you saw. Hard, thick and girthy length. He was bigger than you had imagined. Almost disproportionate for his frame. Almost. Jimin’s confidence had seemed to be boosted when compared to about an hour ago when he was a stuttering, blushing mess of a boy. You took a moment to admire him. He looked like a fucking Greek god with his chiselled, golden body, hair a mess, lips swollen, cock hard and ready. And as you were about to get back in to position, you feel his hands tugging at your pants.

“T-take these off noona. Please.” He looked in your eyes hopefully. You bit your lip and placed your hands by your side, silently directing Jimin to do the honours. His face bloomed with a beautiful pink flush as he pulled the zipper down on your jeans, tugging them down. You lifted your hips for him to pull them down further and off your legs. He was staring in amazement at your panty clad hips, your long legs – almost mesmerized. Taking your previous position again, you lean down to get closer to his face once again while you start the grind of your clit on his cock. You abandoned all hope of being slow and sensual as feral need had took over you because it was hard to stay sane and consistent when Jimin was looking at you like you owned his world. Your core being ultra-sensitive, making every brush of his hard length a hundred times more lethal. Not to forget that his length was not confined beneath the constricting material of his sweatpants anymore. You almost cum when you hear a high pitched whimper from Jimin. Speaking of coming.

“Jiminie, did you come before?” You ask, referring to him touching himself earlier. Jimin, being the groaning mess he was, took a few seconds to reply.

“N-No – mm- but I was about to- Ah!” You pinned his hands above his head again, pouting at him mockingly.

“Aw, poor baby. It’s okay honey, noona will make you cum.” He whimpers at your words, thrusting up harshly, battering your clit at this point.

“Noona, f-faster, please, make me cum noona. Please please please” Fucking hell. Jimin was straight up begging you. You knew Jimin might be submissive, but never thissubmissive. It was such a contrast to how he controlled thousands of screaming girls with a flash of his abs. And here he was, a moaning, sweaty mess. Spouting such filthy words.

Your movements had slowed down a bit as your body was getting exhausted. You were about to come even just from this. But this boy’s stamina was obviously higher than yours. Jimin noticing your fatigued body took action. Boy did he take action. In an instant, Jimin had you flipped over, pull you underneath his body, lining his cock with your covered pussy, where a substantial wet spot was embarrassingly visible. You looked at him with disbelief

“I can’t take it anymore, p-please let me?” Jimin asked with a sinful roll of his cock against your pussy. The contact was so close now that you could feel your lower lips parting, nestling his cock between them. You shakily nodded, wrapping your legs around his hips in response because watching his sweaty sculpted body work on top of you – on your pussy – was the biggest turn on of your life. He was lithe but muscled and every roll and every glide had you losing your mind.

“Go ahead Jiminie… U-Use noona’s pussy to make yourself cum.” Jimin whimpered at your words he wasted no time in following your orders, picking up his pace and fucking you into his bed. The bed had started to creak with the force of his thrusts. Each time he dragged his hips, his cock slid against your pussy lips and up to your clit, creating the best friction. All of these sensations happened so fast as Jimin was almost moving too fast for you. Scratch that, he was moving too fast for you.

“J-Jimin, ah! B-baby, slow down. Oh fuck.” His pace was relentless. Grinding his hips in your cunt as fast as he could, moaning like he was almost in pain. It was obvious he was chasing his release and lucky for him, you were right about ready to burst. You could sense it as your legs tried to close despite having Jimin’s slender body in-between them. You could see his abs clench with the force of his thrusts and couldn’t believe that the ever so prim and proper Park Jimin was on top of you, thrusting his cock against your pussy, pursuing his pleasure like nothing else mattered. If someone had told you a week ago that you would be in your position, dry humping the shit out of each other, you probably would’ve slapped them. Though this wasn’t so much dry anymore. Your panties were a sticky mess from your own arousal as well as Jimin’s pre-cum being all over them, creating the most iniquitous sounds as sweat dripped from his forehead. The knot was so tight in your stomach that you almost couldn’t bear it.

“Fuck, fuck baby, I’m coming! Jimin-ah!”

“Fuck yes Y/N c-cum for me.” Jimin’s pace helped you tip over the edge in a euphoric bliss. Your vision had turned white for a few seconds with the force of your orgasm coursing through you as Jimin continued to thrust his cock against you. It felt like you came for a life time. Your pussy had become extremely sensitive from your orgasm and you weren’t sure how much more of Jimin’s grinding you could take. Placing little suckles and opened kisses on his vascular neck, you help him along to his own release.

“Come on baby, you can do it. Cum for noona. Cum all over noona.” Jimin whined at your words, getting on the verge of his release and you couldn’t believe that he had held out this long.

“I’m s-so close Y/N noona.”

“That’s it baby, just a little m-more.” Your words coming out in a stutter at how scorched your clit was now, being already so sensitive as it was after your orgasm. But, you held out for Jimin, letting him use you as a vessel to get himself off and it only made you wetter. His rhythm had become irregular and his cries had gotten louder.

“F-Fuck, I’m coming oh fuck.” Jimin swore like a sailor as he got dangerously close. But what he did next almost made you come again. With a speed almost quicker than a gunshot, Jimin had leaned back, pushed your panties down exposing your swollen pussy. Before you could comprehend what was happening, Jimin worked his hand over his cock until he had let go. Until he came all over your pussy. Sticky hot white ropes of cum landing on your swollen clit and labia. You moaned at the scene unfolding above you because this was the hottest shit you had ever encountered. Of course you will punish him later for this but still. Where the fuck was this Jimin hiding before?

After he had let out what seemed to be an endless stream of milky white cum, Jimin falls forward, resting his face in your neck, panting. You both took this time to catch your breath. Several moments passed as you both laid in his bed, you stroking his hair as you stare up at the ceiling just resting in silence before you speak softly.

“You okay baby?” You whispered, tenderly stroking his hair, to which he replied with a blissful hum.

“Never been better.” He replied with a sweetly shy and sleepy smile, indicating that his usual charming self was back as the lust had settled.

You kiss his cheek softly, savouring the moment with the younger boy and move to get up when Jimin pulls you back again.

“Where are you going?”

“To clean up the mess you made, you brat.” Your teasing tone was obvious which makes Jimin blush again deeply as he bites his lip. But his next request surprises you.

“C-Can I clean you noona?” His request seemed innocent enough considering the context of this indecent scenario.

“I guess you can.” You lay back down as Jimin gets up, sliding down the bed, sitting beside your hips.

“Uh, Jimin? Aren’t you going to get towels?” your brows have furrowed in confusion when he didn’t move from his position, instead moved between your legs, parting them again.

With a lovely sweet smile, dimple visible endearingly on his cheek, he places a kiss on your ankle before speaking.

“Why would I need those when I have a mouth, noona?”

Fuck what you said before. This was the hottest shit you had ever encountered.

a/n: yeah ik its bad lmao. i swear i write better now kjwbjhwqkbfkbf. Thanks for reading!!

#jimin smut #jimin x reader #jimin fanfic #park jimin #trying to keep y'all fed as i write baby baby #im very slow atm #and i dont like it #so this is my apology #a bad one at that lmao

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serenagaywaterford · 5 years ago

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Hello, I really don’t know who to talk to but I’m realizing I’m a lesbian after identifying as bisexual since 2016, I came out to my parents and they’re both supportive and happy for me. I’m a highschooler and it’s awkward being gay and no one knowing as ppl tease me to date my guy friends. Any tips or advice in general on being a lesbian? It’s still so weird to talk about but I wanna grow to be very open with my sexuality

Been there. (I used to insist I was straight (for YEAAAAARS I was with the same guy), then bisexual cos I thought I had to be since I was “straight” and not particularly conflicted about it for so long. So it’s a process and a journey getting here no matter what, and everyone takes different routes.) And I’ll be honest, you’re way ahead of the game already. Good for you and you should be proud and happy with yourself for being so self-aware and in touch with yourself. That takes a lot of insight and courage.

I think generally… people will say a lot of things but until you are comfortable being around your friends and family as yourself, it’s never going to be easy. It’s not easy when you’re out either but at least you’re not stuck hiding who you are and adding that level of tension to every interaction. To be honest, I was never particularly comfortable with myself. Not even when I got married to another woman. (My issues with the institution of marriage aside…) But in my job I basically am forced to come out daily to complete strangers, constantly, with the words “my wife”. It gets way, way easier and I’m lucky enough to be in a place and a position that affords me that freedom. Not everyone is.

Are the people teasing you your friends? I mean, high school fucking sucks. I don’t even care how people want to romanticise it after the fact, or in media, or whatever. Even the best experiences are littered with a bunch of drama. We’re all idiots in high school and we all treat our friends like shit half the time, even our best friends. I didn’t have a bad time in high school. In fact, I’d say it was pretty good overall. (I wouldn’t do it again, mind you.) But still, the shit you put up with from friends is just excessive, and also the shit you give friends–or at least the shit I gave my friends lol. It’s just so… ugh.

So, I mean, without knowing much more about the situation, I would confide in my good friends. Unless, for some reason that endangers you in some way. And yes, unlike some hardcore people, I do think social ostracization in high school is damaging. I don’t buy into the whole “Well, if they don’t like it fuck them, all you need is you!” cos that’s bullshit. You DO need friends in high school, even if they’re not perfect friends, even if you won’t stay friends with them in a few years. Having social support is incredibly important and to be alienated completely is lonely and leaves you vulnerable, and you miss out on stuff too. I mean, if your friends are complete total assholes, then by all means, drop them cos that won’t help and you may be better off alone, but if they’re only sort of annoying, well… That’s life, lol. Until you get out of the fishbowl of high school and people being to calm the fuck down about every tiny drama, there aren’t a lot of options. I found my best friends annoying af sometimes, and some of them had views on certain subjects that fucking pissed me off. But hey, at the end of the day, we still got along and had a bond, and worst came to worst almost all of them would be there for me, and me for them, despite some differences.

Are those the type of friends you have? Or do you think your friends would turn on you if you confided in them?

It’s so lonely to hold onto a secret like that, and constantly put up with what I’m sure they think is harmless teasing about boys. It can hurt you, and god, it’s fucking irritating on top of everything else. And, I hate to say this, but that sort of thing NEVER ENDS. It gets less and less, but I’m literally married to a woman for like 2 years now and a dude friend of ours just last week asked us if maybe we both just hadn’t found the right men yet. And on the subject of sex, he said, “Well, how do you know if you haven’t tried it?” to my wife. Interestingly, she is not a gold star and knows very well what hetsex is like (she fucking HATES it on every imaginable level), but she’s just never volunteered that information for public consumption. Still, as you can see, you’ll always have stupid imbecile friends who say stupid ass comphet shit to your face, even when you are blatantly a lesbian. Unfortunately, it one of those things you just have to… learn to deal with. I hate that we must.

I know that’s not exactly helpful or hopeful, but it’s reality. So these dumb friends of yours, maybe they’re not doing it to be hurtful or annoying, they just genuinely think you like boys. There’s only really one solution to get them to stop (and even that isn’t going to be a guarantee) and that’s to come out to them–only if you can. Tell them how it makes you feel. Share with them what you’ve said to me. It’s hard enough to exist as a lesbian right now, let alone having to hide and be shamed for it. Friends should get that. But all of them may not…

I had one friend who was super open with her “sexuality” (she’s an attention whore, lbr.) who, when I told her finally that I think I wanted a girlfriend, she was super supportive. Then when the group of them were going to a gay club, I said I’ll tag along and she told me no. And her exact words: “You look too straight. Nobody will talk to you and I don’t want people to think I’m straight too.” (SHE IS STRAIGHT, just for the record. But she likes to steal girls’ boyfriends by doing threesomes, pretending to be into girls, threesomes, and poly, and then manipulating the boys into dumping their gfs. She also likes to breakup girlfriends just to prove she can. She has NEVER been in a relationship with a woman, only breaks lesbian couples up and then fucks off. She tried it with me and my girlfriend once. Nice friend. Just so we all know what she’s like.)

Note: These were my high school friends, and I was in my mid-20s at this point. We’d been friends for over a decade. And they still said shit like that. (And I mean, in some way, I get it cos when we’d go out to non-gay spots I’d get picked up by men CONSTANTLY, and women never looked at me that way. It was super aggravating.)

Which, it turns out, was her way of saying “You’re competition and I don’t want you around.” (and she’s obsessed with stereotypes), cos when I started going to gay clubs and parties with other friends who weren’t douchebags about it, NOBODY judged me like that. And I remember meeting my wife for the first time and telling her that story and she was just like “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR FRIENDS?! You do look super straight but I like you and I’m super gay”. And then she took me to a lesbian bar, and I didn’t change a thing about myself, and was picked up by all sorts of girls, and really hit it off with the cutest butch girl I’ve ever seen to this day. (It didn’t end up going anywhere but still, it was nice to learn that sometimes your friends are just insecure assholes.) It really is dependent on who they are, where you live, etc. etc. And those are only things you know. I can’t comment on what the best course of action is without knowing the nitty gritty.

SO, that’s a long way of saying, people suck. Even your friends sometimes. It’s going to be difficult for a while as you weed those sorts of people out of your life. Being an open lesbian is rocky, especially at first when everything is sorta all over the place. But it does settle down, and you make better friends. And since your parents are supportive that is a HUGE hurdle you don’t have to deal with, which is absolutely AMAZING :) It’s so nice to hear.

But if you’re not able to come out and get support IRL, that’s fine too. My advice is what you’ve already done :) Come online and reach out to older lesbians. They’re the ones with the experience. If it wasn’t for the older lesbians in my life (either online or IRL that I met, including my wife), I’d be so much more insecure. I would probably still be walking around feeling a lot of shame, embarrassment, anxiety, shyness, confusion, etc.

But there’s something comforting about talking with women who have lived the same struggles, and hear about all the paths they all took and the ways they’ve dealt with specific issues. And they’re generally more calm, more realistic, and more compassionate than other baby dykes who aren’t in a privileged, secure position yet. Not that there is anything wrong with bonding with others of the same age. That is also INCREDIBLY important because those experiences will directly reflect your own, and there’s built-in support with peers. The things older lesbians have been through may not translate as well for you. A lot of us didn’t have the same pressures of social media, etc. But we also didn’t have the same online resources available either. So, it’s an interesting balance. I will say my friendship with my best friends from university (one is a lesbian too, one is straight as an arrow but a huge ally) are just as important cos age is a factor.

You can get insight from older women, but you need peer bonds too.

Online I think is very important nowadays, especially when you’re not able to go to spaces like gay clubs and bars yet. And surround yourself with positive lesbian representation. If that whole soft cottagecore thing does it for you, keep that in your orbit. But also never be ashamed or fearful of the sexual part of your sexuality. Just like it’s natural to romantically love women, it’s natural for lesbians to physically love them too.

I feel like as toxic overall as tumblr is, there are corners of it that have been incredibly supportive and nurturing even to me. Especially lesbian positivity blogs and women’s arts, etc. Poetry written by lesbians is beautiful and inspiring to me. It’s a whole genre I had no idea existed, and that has given me a great deal of peace because I can finally relate to words. Music, written and performed by gay and bisexual women is the same. It may seem trivial or cheesy, but it’s powerful to hear about women like you in songs. I have to say Mary Lambert, for one example, helped so much. I remember listening to Alix Olson in secret too when I was much younger (maybe that should have been something of a hint to myself, lol.) King Princess and Girl In Red are current faves, Saara Aalto, Shura and Brandi Carlile are a constant faves I always love (not that I even knew that about Brandi’s sexuality til recently cos I apparently live under a fucking rock lol), but I have whole lists now and it’s wonderful to have taht access.

When you’re all alone, seeking out lesbian musicians and writers can make so much difference in easing that isolation, and confusion, and fear. They speak to you and about us, as a whole. It’s affirming and less lonely.

Same goes for well-written fanfiction. Things that avoid the drama of fandom (cos there’s so much drama even when you have canon f/f pairings), because fandom is really just microcosms of society at large with all the same morons in it. But fanfic was such an escape where I could learn and explore all the things that most everywhere wouldn’t show me. TV shows touched on it (especially back 10 years ago there was like nothing), but fanfic made it real.

Even when you’re feeling secure, I think it still helps to have all the representation we can, and just… you know, revel in it.

Do not watch porn. Don’t. It’s awful and horrible and not at all realistic. A well-written fanfic by actual gay or bi women is way more helpful. Avoid porn at all costs. It will never teach you anything your body doesn’t already know about how to be with a woman (although I’m sure for you this isn’t a pressing concern at the moment). I just know that I made the mistake of it, and also stupid ass magazine/how to articles. Ignore ALL that junk. When you get a girlfriend there’s only ONE thing you need to know how to do, and that is communicate honestly. Everything else falls easily into place.

When you say it’s so weird to talk about it, I feel that. It took me YEARS to even really be able to comfortably say the word, especially in relation to myself. That feeling will pass. It’ll take time and don’t push yourself into any sort of thing you’re not ready for. You’ll feel weird about it probably, and that’s on society, not you. “Lesbian” still does have a stigma attached to it that a lot of people are afraid of or dismissive of. Just… try your best to tune that out. That’s all you can do. You’ll feel comfortable eventually. :) Give it time. You’re already doing well. The fact you can say it to me, even as anon, is beautiful.

You’ll be very open one day if that’s what you want and being a lesbian, and being seen as one, will be second nature. I mean if I think about myself at 20 and now, there’s a very big difference. I used to shy away from so many things, and dress particular ways to avoid things, now I’m definitely not giving nearly as many fucks. Also, I’ll say here that I own a bar. It’s not a gay bar, but almost every day we’re open, at least one lesbian couple will come in. And honestly my heart grows so big and warm every single time. (Gay men come in too, ofc.) But there’s something particularly ecstatic in me that I get to see that everyday. (I don’t actually have many gay friends at all.) I love the openness and acceptance and comfort. And I love telling people there that I own it with my wife, and see people’s faces light up. (Some don’t… but, meh, that’s real life too. I’ve had a few shitty fucking people come in too.) There are a lot more lesbians and bi girls around than we probably know. :)

You are not alone. Even if it’s only talking to people online, you’re never alone.

And never get discouraged that other people seem to having an easier or better time at it. Everyone moves differently, and for some it is easier, some it’s way more difficult but that doesn’t mean you need to pressure yourself, or change. I took my way exceptionally slowly and awkwardly, but ya get there eventually if you surround yourself with genuine people.

It sounds cliche but it does get easier talking about yourself as a lesbian as long as you surround yourself with positive lesbian content/people, and it takes practice (sometimes a lot of it as I’ve learnt), especially dealing with internalized stuff. But you’ll get there. You’re still super young and you have so much ahead. :D

I don’t have specific personal advice about how to handle it all in high school cos I didn’t have to deal with that. Just that there’s a whole world outside high school, even though it may not feel that way sometimes. If you’re in a small town or in a country where it’s not accepted, you’ll have a harder time finding love but it is ALWAYS possible, somehow. Never feel like there is nobody at all. There is. There’s some cute, hot, smart, interesting girl somewhere that will be into you as much as you’re into her. It’s just a matter of time til you find each other. If nothing else, in the mean time, you can form friendships and bond with people online in various ways.

I wish somebody had told me in my teen years that it’s possible to be in love with a woman, that I’m going to kiss girls one day and suddenly everything else is going to make sense and feel right after so long of things not quite fitting together, that it’s just as possible to be fulfilled with a woman as it is with a man. I wish someone would have told me I’d be loved by a woman in ways that nothing else would ever match. That I’d touch women and feel at peace with myself, and being intimate with them will change my whole life, and it’s something I was meant to do and feel. That loving women will help me love myself in a way that I never realised, and that just goes back and forth forever cos if you love yourself, loving other people is so much easier. And not to fight that cos I’m too scared to face the not so nice parts about being out. Bad shit is gonna happen no matter what, but better stuff will make up for it. I wish someone had told me that “lesbian” isn’t a bad word (I grew up with a lot of homophobia everywhere, including my family), and that I will cringe when people call me that initially but that should force myself to use it at first, cos it’ll get way better and feel right the sooner that happens. It is what I am, and I can’t avoid it forever. Own it. Cos as soon as you do, the sooner they can’t use it against you the same way anymore. But nobody said any of that to me.

And never, ever let anybody ever guilt, shame, manipulate, or pressure you into anything you don’t feel is right for you or your body. You’ll feel it deep down what you want and need, and what you don’t want and don’t need. Don’t ignore that. Don’t let anybody talk, guilt, scare, or shame you out of that. It may be hard but you already seem very strong and self-aware.

You’re not thinking wrong, you’re not made wrong. There’s a lot of that around in our society and lesbophobia is very alive still, everywhere.

You don’t need to find the “right man”. Ever. There’s no perfect high school boyfriend waiting for you if you’re a lesbian. There’s a girlfriend waiting for you. More than one, probably! You’ll love many women throughout your life and they’ll return it back to you. You’ll have friends that love you and support you. And when you say, “I’m a lesbian” it’ll roll off your tongue as easily as your name. Or your wife’s name. :) And you won’t feel any twinges of awkwardness or shame.

I wish you nothing but love and kindness, anon. Xx

And, also, anybody can ask me anything, btw. I generally really fucking suck with advice but my askbox is always here, if anybody needs it.

#Anonymous #baby lesbians are my fav precious beans and i am here for you 100000%#tho i am hardly an expert tbh. just an idiot finding her way through it all too.#long post

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