#at first she wasnt going to do it cuz she also needs to work and doesnt have time for both

[musubiki]

another beta idea since everyone ends up going in their own direction after mochi leaves is coco being the only one to go on to get a college degree hehe

[presidentkittycherk]

okayy everyone so heres my very poorly written hamilton 70s au plot.....

please dont mind my writing im very bashful but i wanted to get it out for @x-fag ... also a big thank you to @hamilfreak for brainstorming and helping with ideas :]

A very basic timeline of events

1973-johnmovesto town, gets job at store

1974-burrens becomes irl

1975-herc, john n burr move in tgther -herc and laf begin their love and laf in need of a permanent place moves in (he contributs SO MUCH cuz he rich asl oh my god.) -eliza gets pregnant and the hamiltons get engaged and .. move uptown

1976- hamilton and eliza move to town -hamilton gets banned from gay club -burr quits job at office to full time queen(just the plot from her on out tbh meh)

Its "quiet" uptown… SETTING: 1976, a town right outside of new york city

an engaged couple,annoying deadbeat alexander hamilton and tired newly pregnant eliza schuler, move to new york. eliza aleady works at the groceey store bakery bur forces hamilton to get a job to support the upcoming family so he gets a job at "Office". The night before his first day, alexander decides to sneak out as he frequiently does. Alexander is proudly "bi-curious" and these desires led him to the towns local "gay club". Upon his arrival, his eyes are immediatly set on a young man with some groovy bellbottoms. alex immediatly approaches and starts a conversation. He attempts to flirt but the young man seems uncomfortable and confused and his eyes keep darting back and forth. Alex doesnt catch the hint and put his arm around him and insists he buys him a drink.

Suddenly alexander feels someone yank him by the hair and flip him around and away from the young man. Its the classiest queen in town, Purple Velvet! without letting go of alexs greasy slicked back hair, she damands to know what his problem is. alex mumbles a few half assed explanations, but Velvet already flashed her blinged pistol in her purse to alex and is dragging him out. by this point, a bouncer has arrived to asses the situation. Velvet queens out, tells the bouncer alex was harrassing her bitch and she wants him BANNED from the gay club. Sense she is one of the main attractions at the bar, the bouncer takes a polatroid of alex, tapes it up on the wall as banned and lets him go!!

The young man was John laurens, and him and aaron burr(purple velvet) have been lovers adn live together for two years now. John works at the grocery store as a cashier and is generally bummed out, but he is happy to at least have burr. He moved to new york from south carolina in 1973 coming from a rich family who just wanted him to move out. They give him a monthly allowance still, he pretends he doesnt get it but everyone knows! Aaron burr used to do theatre and opera, but found real success and passion in drag. His background isnt very clear, but his parents just recently died and he is rich as fuck right now and is fighting for his life budgeting for cocaine. He works at the office and preforms as Purple Velvet. Burr is a frequent at the grocery store john works at, and noticed him as cute when he started working there but didnt assume he would reciprocate so he left it be. John saw burr and was immedietly intrigued and conflicted. He hadnt had much interest in dating or love before, but he immeditaly understood what he felt when he saw burr. in exploring these feelings, john wound up finding the gay bar figuring this would lead him to discover more about himself. He wanders around and sees a poster with the stranger from the grocery stores face on it! it says purple velvet will preform on THIS FRIDAY NIGHT! John is confused and wasnt familiar with drag, but he was excited nontheless and goes home. All week he thinks about Purple Velvet and what it could mean.

Friday night comes, and john catches the last number in Purple velvet preforms. He is ENAMOURED if he wasnt already enough! He sits down and wonders what to do, he wants to talk to Velvet, but he doesnt know how! BUrr comes out in a more casual dress after changing out of purple velvet and noticed the cute cashier was over at the bar. Feeling more confident in his chances now that hes seeing him HERE, he approaches john, tells him he remembers him from the grocery store asks if he can sit by him and buy him a drink. John is speachless and bashful and these two rich gays hit it off and start chatting it up! burr take john home and the rest is HISTORY!!!!!!!!

The two have two other roomates(by 1976), Hercules and lafayette. Hercules mulligan is the most locked in person here and owns his own tailor shop and works on designing and is pioneering 1980s shillouettes. He is pretty good friends with Burr from the gay club.. Lafayette is an international salesman for his parents french phone company and is still learning english. He is a mess and rides a tiny motor bike around town trying to sell phones, but nobody knows what hes saying so he makes no sales, but he wont get fired cuz he a nepo baby! met when lafayette comes in to sell a phone, hercules cant tell what he says and thinks hes here for a suit! lafayette is confused and says yep hes here for a suit! hercules starts measuring him and it quickly becomes erotic cuz laf enjoyed it alot and thought it was some type of american sexual novelty. hercules is very very happy that lafayette is into it! lafayette has been staying at a hotel funded by his parents, as his job as an international sales man wasnt meant to keep him only in new york. Lafayette takes hercules back to the hotel room thats all dirty theres magots and german cockroaches everywhere. Hercules is very suprised and is confused about what lafayette is doing here and lafayette attemps to explain his positiobn as an international sales man, but hercules is mostly confused about the mess, sesne lafayettes only been here one and a half weeks. hercules suggests tey go back to his place instead, and lafayette takes them on his moped away to the house and lafayette loekwy just starts staying there

(I WILL REBLOG WITH PART 2) stupid fing tumblr cut me short wtf.,.

your president,

kitty!

[shreddeddescent]

What are Jennika, Venus, and Kirby like?

AHHHHHHHHH they're wonderful...... fucking wonderful tbh. hhhhhhhh

im debating on if i wanna let yall in on just how crazy ive gotten and show you like them explain it themselves. but its hhhhhh its a lot and theres other bits that arent so fun so i dont really want to rn cuz i wanna gush.

they were raised in some other dimension by draxum, who worked for big mama. draxum was essentially raphs doctor while you know. with eggs. but he took them away afterwards, raised to be warriors to protect the hidden city from vague demoney alternate dimensions hit, idk the details yet.

draxum wasnt the best but grew into a good parent for them so theyre okay. more okay than the brothers are for sure. but they grew curious about where they came from and did travel to that exact time when they were around 18, had some boundary issues, read big mama's therapy files on them and spiralled over how fucked up their origins were. debated going back in time to try and prevent their own existence. but draxum had to sit them down and tell them it wasnt their fault. so thats its own whole thing.

but theyre all 28 now. and theyve processed a lot more of it, but feel like 'hey, these kids arent okay at all, and they seem trapped in big mama's hotel. and we are adults with the ability to help. and also maybe some small part of us knows this is our family, we're clones, we're siblings. lets try to just be that.'

kirby is a hulking behemoth of a turtle man, like 7 and a half feet tall very wide very strong very good at being a warrior. never gave anything else much thought. he's kind of like.... what shredder fucking wanted out of that whole situation. perfect son, perfect general. but hes also a little shy with his feelings. he's kind of the leader, the one with the plan, the one who gets frustrated when his sisters get distracted and do other shit instead. he looks a lot like raph. but hes a male so raph cant see that at all. he's pretty quiet but hes very funny when he tries to be.

venus was taught magic when it became clear fighting wasnt a thing she was gonna physically be able to do. physically she's weak, her body looks a bit deformed. the magic came with a kind of accessibility for her, so she floats to ease the pain. she's very introspective and assumes people know just as much as her, tends to ramble on about things without realizing everyones lost. shes a lot like donnie like that, and realizing thats where she gets it makes her go 'ugh... of course this is your fault' but shes very sweet. little bit of boundary issues, cuz she may or may not be able do mind magic, but she knows to ask permission.

jennika is goofy and kind, a bit scatter brained, but very protective. shes the most easy going, but she's also the most emotional one. has the most confused feelings over raph specifically, probably just as excited to meet a trans turtle as he was. let alone cuz theyre family. but yeah, she's very fun loving and absolutely the problem child of the bunch, the one most likely to not follow orders and get into trouble. absolute coolest big sister alive vibes for sure.

again, theyre very much like 'oh, these kids are our family in whatever they need us to be, and we're gonna fucking be here for whatever they need'. like theyre so nice. and things are so weird. but theyre here to be like. the first grown ups to be kind to these kids without expecting anything out of them. cuz thats a new fucking concept!

but really. theyre big siblings, thats how we're gonna try and explain the vibes of what they are to them.

[rigginsstreet]

What do you think about a deaf billy AU?

where Neil moved his family to the middle of nowhere Indiana because he knows 80s bumfuck nowhere doesn’t have a lot of support for disabled ppl and hates his son (as we all know)

At first billy tries to hide it, he had gotten used to learning how to read lips and make inferences on what people were saying, if he happened to miss something? He’d just brush it off, saying he wasn’t paying attention.

Billy might have a slight deaf voice, Neil probably came along with his “no son of mine” spiel so Billy had to learn how to speak as Neil thought was “normal”.

Steve begins to notice something different about Billy; slowed reaction time, really focusing on people’s faces, etc, and brings it up to Joyce.

Joyce, concerned, waits until the next time Billy is in her store to ask if everything is okay. Billy panics, he thought he was doing perfect, if he doesn’t his dads gonna kill him, so he very quickly excuses himself out of the store.

Maybe some further concerned Steve and Joyce? Teaming up to help out Billy? 🥹

i am into all of this. i wanna say way back in the early days of the fandom there was a deaf!billy fic i read.... or it was steve. or it was neither of them and im thinking of another fandom entirely lmfao anyway!

this would put their little staredown at tinas in a whole new context...honestly it puts a lot of billy scenes in new context that boy loves to look and watch and observe.

i would also like to bring in cali bros argilly and say that argyle and billy learned to sign together back home bc neil surely wasnt going to put billy in classes and surely not learn himself, maybe billy had teachers at school who helped? but argyle wanted to learn too since they were besties and he was really the only person billy could talk to after that. so when the hargroves move to indiana billys on his own again and since he doesnt want to out himself as being deaf and ask if anyone knows how to sign, he just pretends to be aloof and like he doesnt give a shit about what anyone says to him (which isnt like... untrue lol)

if he and max still have a bad relationship in this au maybe she hasnt bothered to learn how to sign either cuz like... why is she gonna need it to talk to billy? they dont talk period

steve calling billys name when hes not looking trying to get his attention and it never working so a lightbulb goes off in his head and he starts writing notes to see if that works and sure enough...

joyce picking up books from the library and learning very basic signs for the next time billy comes into the store. she's just trying to be polite but it still makes billy panicky that someone knows. ooooh if neil and billy come into the store one day and she overhears neil giving billy shit about not listening to him and how he needs to get his shit together etc etc and she immediately decides this man needs to be put down like she is not having it but she also knows theres not a whole lot she can do right now besides make her presence known and get him to back down.

steve helping billy out in the classes they share together and even in the classes they dont he finds a way to get notes from other people without letting them know its for billy, and billys constantly wondering how steve keeps pulling this off but steve wont reveal his secrets. them developing this silent language on the basketball court that makes them unbeatable... many thoughts many thoughts

idk how joyce and steve end up joining forces in all of this but i know they do!

[craftyworx]

spoilers for poppy playtime chapter 3

also @ch0cocrave i want at least one person who's willing to read my rant 💀

thank you elliot ludwig for proving exactly why i have trust issues :]

(pls note that i have only just recently gotten out of the school so please NO SPOILERS FOR ME.)

i mean god elliot i fucking loved you u made me so happy with ur goals and for the longest time i latched onto the theory that you genuienly had good intentions and the scientists just went behind ur back but damn

nevermijd

home sweet home was probably the most disturbign to me tho, the fucking radios, hallways, THE WAY OLLIE CALLED AND SAID I NEEDED TO RUN, THE WAY THE GUY ON THE RADIO INTERRUPTED HIMSELF AND SAID "DONT MOVE. DONT MOVE AN INCH." THEN CONTINUED HIS REPORT OF THE DEAD CHILD LIKE OH MY GOD

I DONT KNOW IF THAT WAS WORSE THAN SEEING.. UH.. dogday.

poppy playtime has successfully brougjt up a few of my triggers <3

honestly im okay, i know what my limits are. dogday though- i couldnt even look at him honestly THE POOR GUY, ALSO BRO HIT PUBERTY 😭

i cant really do much but trust ollie and poppy (i trust kissy with my life idc who's side she's on stfu) so, ollie... please dont betray me.... please? i connected to ollie SO. MUCH.

uhm

the teacher fucking SUCKED dude 💀 its interesting to me how she tried to save as at first.. well, it was more of a warning but still. i wish she died worse than how she did. i wish we put her into a grinder and we watched her get grinded to a damn pulp

guys i love characters like her as you can tell they're my favorite <3

I WAS BEGGING BUBBA TO SAVE ME THE ENTIRE TIME I WAS IN THE SCHOOL BAHAHHAA IM RLLY DISAPPOINTED WE DIDNT SEE HIM THERE

UUGHHHAHGSHFIGIGJTNDJSJFJGJKGJTJRJ

OLLIE GET UR FUCKING ASS DOWN HERE AND HELP ME STOP MAKONG ME GO INTO THE

fucking

😭😭😭😭😭

the playhouse- i didnt like the playhouse, i shot dogday wjth the finger gun (i set so many things on fire) and he does a little whine noise when u do that and it hurt me 😭 but anyways i shot the hell out of the other guys but then i ran out of ammo and died

it was funny tho, the smiling critters bugged and their heads were stuck in their butts and they'd walk backwards 😭 and instead of crawling back into their little holes, they group in the front of the holes and then stop spawning cuz if they spawned more, the game would glitch lmfao

uh anyways

THE WAY CATNAP JUST FUCKING GRABBED BUNZO- MY BOY NOO BUNZO

I HEARD HIM PANTING THEN CATNAP JUST LEAPED ON HIS ASS AND KILLED HIM NOOOOOOOO

also i ship picky and bubba so picky's cardboard cutout made me fucking die laughing

SEARED ELEPHANT!!!!

AND FLAYED UNICORN <3

i was slappin thr hell outta kissy here and she wasnt giving me attention and it made me so sad

haha parent issues

anyways

isnt it interesting how catnap never attacked kissy

i mean she was vibin in home sweet home and i found her soon after i saw catnap slinkin around (his skinny ass) so its odd that catnap never found kissy. kissy is working with poppy, and poppy is working against catnap and 1006. and its interesting cuz mommy was working against poppy AND 1006.

ALSO CAN I NOTE HOW MISS DELIGHT, MOMMY, AND BUBBA SAID THEY RECOGNIZED US???? CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS?

we must've been an important person for that many people to recognize us

right?

didnt dogday recognize us too? i wasnt paying too much attention to what he was saying, i was just lookin at his fuzzy face but i had to look away cuz jesus christ.

huggy phasing out of the tv was cool asf tho.

[azhdarchidae]

Life is good lately :) a few problems but there always is

ex reached out to exchange our stuff so i dont have to decide when to do that bc i dont know. The norms there. Oups.

Having fun w boytoy the issue there is im kind of too attached and been texting him a lottt i think its cuz of the breakup. Im endeavoring to talk to other friends too and take breaks. But its a good problem that theres someone i like talking to too much LMAO

One of my friends who stopped going to class, texting me etc has recovered from her mental health moment and shes going to class and i get to see her again!!

I think i have a great shot at this remote job which has a self paced kinda schedule. Waiting to hear back on my application

Even if that dont work out im feeling a bit more confident in my skills for an irl job

>:/ school board hasnt gotten in touch w me about my stupid classes i need to bother them

Need this document from my school and im kinda busy this week

Im falling illll i think, its not as bad as my usual colds but its so annoying cuz the last one wasnt even 2 months ago. And im an obligate stoner so it hurts 2 smoke. I just wanna hang out w my friends and suck face like this is not fair

Ive been getting more and more physically active. I had to force myself out for walks at first but now i crave it regularly!! Ill just be sittin there and get the feeling that i need to move and do things :) i put a step tracker on my phone cuz curious and all the stuff i did yesterday didnt feel crazy, maybe a bit of an annoying amount of walking. But that was over 15,000 steps 😵‍💫 when 10k/day is supposed to be a good goal for health. So im fitter than i thought i was!!

Ive been struggling w my body, feeling pretty and embodied. I really want to do strength training bc i think itll help a lot, just need to be able to afford gym. Also martial artsss doing bjj or boxing or smth will make me super happy. And like looking more muscular will make me feel better gender wise i think. I cant really achieve curvy woman w my genetics but i can achieve Strong Woman through hard work n perseverance and that might make me happier quite honestly. Plus i can manually give myself an ass and thats my main insecurity my flat little butt

Struggling w body hair. Waxing means i have to wait a long time for everything to grow back but shaving is not an option bc its sensory bad. Waxing also takes so long it took me 2 days to do both my legs the first time. Maybe ill get faster w practice but UGGGGH i hate spending loads of time on my appearance and being all finicky and shit. Maybe its worth it to pay someone to do it for me >_<

[caffeiiine]

hi hi i didnt realize i cant like rb or answer anything answered privately which makes sense cuz its meant tobe private but its a lilinconvenient noq that i think about it but anyway answering stuff about the rewrite!!

the idea that angie can accurately replicate handwriting is so good to me ouagh, i wantee to add something where kokichi's signature was different on angie's note than the actual note for evidence reasons but idk if i ever put that in the doc

okok the wuestions now (i do not remember a lot of these things befause of this having been made 2+ years ago BhbBDFIJGBRJK)

- "how did miu not burn the whole jacket?" - i imagine a leon situation. most of it burned, but a part of it fell out of whatever machine miu made to burn the jacket and she just never picked it up (in part bc she didn't feel like it, in part bc she's dual masterminds with kirumi in this world)

- "why did she wear her jacket if she were trying to frame kokichi?" - yeh no i did not think that through FBHEBIJABFUIA i think me from two years ago just wanted an obvious difference to a character that at first wasnt very suspicious but later was like holy shit ur the mruderer AND HERES THE EVIDENCE sorry i have monster im very shaky so im not fixing typos i hope u can read these BEAUIBDFIUDSFBU

- "miu + angie alliance? :3" - in retrospect i so should have done something with that cuz i lowkey love that idea BUAOHAOJHEAJO

- "[...] if there was a rivalry between your s/i and angie bc of the similarish talents" - never thought about it but absolutely i think yes

- "what was the point of the torture post-mortem?" - angie wanted to make it seem like kokichi had dragged my s/i into his lab and tried to get him to help with some plan but my s/i refused (mightve been my reasoning?) and got to the point he tortured him to try to get assistance or something, angie just wanted it to seem like kokichi had tortured my s/i for some reason (cuz atp they all think kokichi is mega cruel mega heartless ygwim)

with a lot of the above questions i came up with this entire chapter within the span of like... a day home alone on a day off i had from school so i never really changed anything after i came up atih it? and i had reasonings for things i just never wrote them doqn properly and was like rambling to myself out loud ot think that day) (my dogs probably thought i was crazy) (i am crazy)

onto commentary comments :3

YESSS KAEDE IS ALIVE!!!! i wanted her and shuichi to both live in this so i made it happen :3 along with them i think kokichi is the only other of the remaining 5 after chapter 6 that would be alive (kirumi's influence, miu's inventions, they caused Despair and Hell snd whatever yadda yadda i tried making it work and i never really fleshed it out)

ENHABHAJDGBIHA YES ANGIE REPLICATING HANDWRITING HS MY HEART BECAUSE I JUST. i feel like shes really good at replicating styles? like art styles, s the ultimate artist yk, so i feel like she could replicate handwriting pretty well too

BAJHAUAHAJ I QANTED TO MAKE HER HVE SOME REALLY OBVIOUS THING WRONG BUT LIKE TRY TO EXCUSE IT OUT OF TRIAL. i made a few crazy angie sprites actually ebcause i wanted to hold on

crazy angies i made cuz i wanted to do that trial insanely ^ i mightve actually made these before i came up with this idea and then i qas like "WHAT IF ANGIE NO COAT AND NO ONE SUSPECTS ANYTHING UNTIL ITS TRIAL EVIDENCE" idk i had no reasoning to make her go to th etrial qithout her coat other than i wasnt cery good at thinking of incriminating evidence

i cannot actually think of a way to reply to the thing aoubt angie assuming and backing it up with atua + that whole paragraph (it is 12:12 in the morning rn as i type this) but hard agree with everything u say there

ALSO YES ANGIE REALIZING "ATUA" FAILED HER AND LOSING HER MIND OVER THAT ACTUALLY!!! YES!!!

u can like copy paste the format for the trial stuff if u want to btw!! with this i tried to make sure i did a lot of looking into what info i needed (i had an "evidence" tab too but i forgot what i was gonna put there so i left it blank + couldve been the truth bullets or smth! maybe the detailed descriptions for them??? idk) but anyway u can copy paste the actual format itself and leave maybe a few things in each thing to dtermine what exactly it is that you can put there idk idk its 12:15 im struggling BSHBSFDHIHA

ALSO YES HRUTAL MURDER, i didnt realize until i read through it again that it is a very brutal murder + generally brutal case and i put a lot of lements in there but i was very over the top 2-3 years ago so i blame that. id do better now if i could erase my memory of making this case and redo it

also ur welcome for accurate dearh times i think i had to actually look up "does a stab to the back of the neck kill you instantly" i htink the fbi has me on their watchlist now because of that alone BFRUIHRUIAHUIHAGHAH

alos yes i Can read tags on privately answered posts, i watned kokichi angst back then so i thought the best way to do that was to make him fall in love with me adn the n kill myself off BSJAHAUHAHHA, alos probably because i would have died immediately in a killing game so i gave myself the benefit of the doubt for it and made myself live for an extra 4 chapters than i probably would actually live

oookay sorry this rotted in my inbox i now have a spare 30 mins to type this 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

OHHKAY OKAY i was thinking that i was thinking it might be a leon thing or similar to that

AH GOT YAHT👍👍 adding on a little i think it’d be silly if she early on in the trial somebody asked her about her coat and she was like “oh, i lost it!” and everyone brushed it off until later a bunch of things come to light and then its like idk insert reaction i can’t think of anything😞😞

ALSO ALSO if we can fit it in somehow we should use miu + angie alliance, only thing now is would miu hang on until the end in order to not get herself tied up in the aftermath? or would she throw angie under the bus the minute things are turning out bad for her kinda like nagito and teruteru? except she definitely wouldn’t be as nonchalant about things as he was, she’d probably be taking everything as an attack against herself and being super defensive. but at the same time, she also has a super weak will and crumples very easy so at that point she might be more focused on minimizing her position as much as possible? idk im rambling <3

and also that’s so real i have several old aus i made on like testing days and stuff that i just never got around to fleshing out <3 and when i looked back on them they just. SUCKED. so i didn’t do anything with them. not saying yours sucked btw just saying mine sucked [like they were HORRENDOUS. trust.]🫂🫂

off topic i love saimatsu so much <3 anyways the kirumi + miu mastermind thing reminds me of hiyoko and ibuki tbh [LOVE them + that pairing] super super off topic once but me and my friend made a crackship once with ibuki + miu and that just reminded me of it mxnxnd

THATS SO REAL AND TRUE IM STEALING THAT HC

WOOO ANGIE SPRITES!!!! she so deserved to be a killer in the main game idc what anyone says

THE ATUA THING IS A DETAIL ID LIKE TO INCLDIE IN OUR REWRITE BTW <33 OPINIONS ON THAT

YAAY i’ve got the general format in my head for whenever i decide to actually sit down and make the doc since i’ve been procrastinating on that so hard😞

this is so off topic but i feel like you were a theater kid at one point, i barley meet people that are very expressive like you and 9 time out of 10 they are/have been theater kids :3

THATS SO SILLY THOUGH, if im being completely realistic id be the first one gone just bc im stupid😞 and id probably complain about people killing in ways that were stupid to me, id be lucky to get to chapter 2 i think unless i was in some position of power nxbdhdb s/i’s are silly and funny

[desastre-fag]

sky mobile keep asking me why i want to change my first name n im just like ive changed it so i need to change it with you guys !! i literally sent everything by post n they did nothing so i just phoned again abt it and this very helpful lady asked me to email instead so im gonna do that rn cuz she said she'll ask ppl to keep an eye out for the email then she'll ring me again. why do they make it so complicated i was literally asked to do it by post :/ also its like they have no idea why some ppl would need to change their first names or titles so im v nervous whenever they ask me why. i just go well ive changed it so i need to let u guys know ive changed it.... hopefully this time round it fucking works cuz i swear when i said it the first guy i was talking to went u cant change ur first name - then he put me through to jane (i think it was jane tbh i wasnt rlly paying attention im too frustrated abt all this). its the way she was like there is no notes or anything abt this on ur file im just like RAGGHHHH

[thephloxbayou]

Im so fucking angry.

I wasnt going to talk about going per protocol but this was so fucking lame it doesn't matter. It was never a threat or a blink on existence.

I went to a local vigil for Aaron Bushnell.

Now, a few things. This is my first time getting to go to anything like this. I have a sleep disorder, and I work nights. Usually activist groupings tend to happen last minute/you find out last minute. I'm far from Boston, on Cape Cod (I've mentioned where i lived generally before hence why I dont mind saying it here), and it's an ordeal to go even for fun. Things rarely happen on days I have off, and if they do, i probably worked the night before or have to that night. I cant take work off, im poor and its hard to get last minute coverage without my job being at risk.

But I found out yesterday about the local vigil. I rested up well before my shift, did it and came home and got very little sleep. But I could manage and that was the point, I could so I should. I had clothes prepped, black bloc even though i didnt expect anything to happen, and dressed for the cold and rain (its closer to 50 today). My phone was at home, my ID and house key in the car, parked some ways away and walked, only had my car key, a water bottle, and a few fruit snacks on me. It started at 1pm but I got there at 2 (lack of sleep plus making sure to eat a good meal just in case rather than run out on a near empty stomach).

I didnt expect a ton, this area is wealthy and white, but I wanted to be ready if anyone of color got harrassed because I have my privilege as a white person. Good to practice anyways. I also felt like maybe the gathering would have more energy, given that it came out that Aaron was a Cape Cod native. Either way, I was prepared to stand outside all day even if the rain that was forecasted was pouring down.

Well I walk up at 2... and they're wrapping up. Everyone (like 45 people) is standing around with signs, but theyre chatting and holding the signs down at their sides. They took a group photo with their signs calling for an end to this horribleness while smiling. I finally managed to say hello to the organizer, and mentioned that I didn't realize everyone would only be here for an hour. "Well it started to rain really hard." People stood around and talked about their anger at our government, and the horrors of whats happening in Palestine, then left because they were cold and it was wet (was listening to conversations and goodbyes. I was wandering on my own, everyone else was with friends). I heard the organizer talking about how he just vacationed in Costa Rica and was going back, then going to some other vacation spot.

My husband was surprised when I came home basically right after I left. I am so deeply angry by how comfortable these people out here are. This is not the first time Ive complained about that, i grew up with a hard life, we came out here on an opportunity, so I wouldnt off myself in the bad situation we had been in, and with his mother's help where she could (he grew up here). Ive never felt comfortable here because these people are living in a different world than I do, and even people who are just normal people and not some rich asshole look at me weird when I say stuff that I consider perfectly normal given where i grew up/class level. You're so angry over this, over the pain the people of Palestine are going through, that you go through the effort of organizing an event, and you stand around and talk about your "anger," and then you LEAVE after an hour because it's a little cold (warmest day we've had in weeks) and it's raining, which was forecasted and you could prepare for???

I havent calmed down. I cant go back to sleep cuz I already took my adderall which i need to stay awake on any regular day with that sleep disorder. I went ready for a fight, I wasnt expecting one but I was prepared, and expected at least a little energy from the group. But nothing. You accomplished nothing but making yourselves feel better.

I wish I could do more. I wish I had money to donate. I wish I had the ability to go physically support activist movement. All just like I wish I could during the summer of 2020. Im constantly torn between recognizing my position and suffering as valid and not a reason to beat myself up for not being able to do more, and feeling like I'm not doing enough and it's just excuses. But I just... cant fucking believe everyone I saw today. I mean yeah, i believe it, i know, i knew, but im just still furious. This is why we're in this fucking position people.

[klavery]

tell us your klavery hcs about how they started dating^^ (who asked who first, where they go for dates, first kisses/hand holding, etc)

EEEK! I AM SO SORRY!!! this took a while 2 answer cuz i wrote a whole frickin ESSAY! i guess thats what happens when u ask tumblr user klavery 2 talk about klavery, lol.... ANYWAYS,

ok ok omg... firstly i want 2 warn that i clearly take them wayy too seriously and romanticize the fuck out of them and its rly embarrassing bcuz they are stupid but i am just too gone 4 them at this point so 😊👍

SO LIKE!!! avery being aspec + autistic in my minds eye affects pretty much everything abt their relationship 2 romance & dating & stuff... so that & the fact theyre like a dorky awkward nerd to me makes them pretty passive & nervous abt romance stuff, at least at first! avery seems like they could b the suave confident type when it comes 2 romance, which is the kind of person i think their character develops into once they get the hang of it (still a silly dork tho OF COURSE). that being said, in the beginning, avery wasnt usually the one to initiate things often! klara was his first everything... his first crush, his first kiss, everything like that (as opposed to klaras like, 20 exes, lol) so he was kind of inexperienced XP

the development of their relationship is like... at first they HATED each other, they found each other so ANNOYING and INSUFFERABLE, naturally... until a little problem in the form of a 13 year old child showed up at the dojo. apparently this kid was enough of a mutual threat to get the two of them to tolerate each other enough to reluctantly team up... also can i say they r literally like cartoon antagonists to me? they are SO funny and dumb i am SO obsessed... anyways! after the whole main plot of the isle of armor is over, they still kinda almost, try 2 awkwardly ignore each other? tsunderes... they cant admit theyre growing fond of each other xP and after a while, that strategy just doesnt work out :p they continue 2 train at the dojo, and this soon leads 2 them becoming friends! this part is integral 2 me 4 the development of their relationship, they become total besties, they r such galpals........

after some indeterminate amount of time after becoming friends, avery finally falls for her. i headcanon klara was always attracted to him, even when she hated him, lol. they were like two freaks who were perfect partners in crime. they get really close and affectionate, even platonically ❤ ... u can tell how crazy i am over enemies to friends to lovers for them xP

so with ALL THAT in mind.... i think klara would ask first? technically? i mean klara would b the kind of person 2 want someone 2 confess their undying love 4 her, but avery was kindaa weird. i dont think they would have EVER asked her directly tbh.... they were soo confused abt their feelings hehe, abt her but also abt dating in general. klara kinda knew abt the latter, considering avery would have opened up 2 her abt it in my brainspace. i guess knowing this she would just shoot her shot & suggest that they could date! avery is so nervous.... he panics and says he needs time 2 think on it, and when he finally recomposes himself hes all like, Ahem, Klara, I Would Like To Formally Accept Your Ever So Gracious Invitation.. hehehe.... he was so funny.

UM so they try dating!! and i dont rly care if it isnt realistic or believable or whatever at all i just like cute indulgent things.

so what do they do!?! WELL, i think a particular Official artwork could answer that..

(ok but could u IMAGINE my reaction when this was first revealed!? they literally merchandised MY headcanons they merchandised MY SHIP they did it ALL 4 me💞💞💞 this is my own scan too btw! sooo worth it. its soo in character too, klara too busy clout chasing 2 notice her partners abt 2 get his flesh melted off over some curry 😊 and of course, all the lil slowpokes around them❤ quintessential klavery image). but ya! this could possibly b their first date?? i feel like i wanna honor the existence of this wonderful art and say yes.... so aside from pokecamping or just hanging out around the island doing tasks and training and such, OFC they would go shopping, they would go 2 the mall, they would have spa day, avery would take her 2 high end fancy restaurants (bcuz hes upper class and loaded lol), all while being menaces 2 society of course 🥰. OH! wanna know what i think would b cute?? THIS IS SO CRINGE but basically i hc that they have rooms at the dojo 4 the students (so they dont have 2 sleep in tents or go home everyday or whatever...) and i think it would b SO cute if honey and/or mustard helped avery set up a lil candlelit dinner date in his room~ its so silly but so sweet❤

hmm.. honestly i really like the idea of their first kiss being kinda like, lowkey. juxtaposed to the kind of people they are. one might expect some kind of grandiose fairytale type situation... when in fact they were just chillin alone somewhere on the island, and she asked 2 kiss them... and they agreed! it left avery asking themself, what am i doing? how did i get here?? everything had been so different. this definitely wasnt what they would have imagined for themself... but they loved it. averys life was changing in unexpected ways. i guess this was first-love making him a little cuckoo in the head, huh? maybe this event had been a bit grandiose, in its own way.

WOW this post really devolved into me writing fanfiction about how kissing klara caused existential revelations within avery. nice! ok!

anyways!!! we r almost at the end! so!! avery was so touch starved, omg. he wouldnt let just anyone touch him, tho, of course. but if he liked you, well... earlier i said i believed they were pretty close b4 they dated, so if klara were to grab their hand, they wouldnt object, hehe~ (shes the one w the cold hands btw, and a firm grip, too..). things abt avery & physical touch interest me so much honestly, it is so intriguing when a character who could use psychic powers 4 everything would decide not to... especially when it comes 2 affection....

eeeeeaaaaahhh!!! ive gone on too long!! i never talk abt my hcs in detail EVER so like! theres stuff i know i couldve elaborated on more but i didnt wanna go TOO off topic... ofc i could write whole novels about my silleys..... THANK U 4 SENDING THIS!!!! hope it was comprehensible, heheh

[matoitech]

ok uhh okay. spiderverse 2 thoughts. in bullet points for the sake of my churning brain cuz im just not rly sure how i feel abt it rn. like it was a good movie? i enjoyed it it was fast paced i didnt realize 2+ hours went by which also segues into  my first thought but like. yeah i have thoughts.

first of all that was like a super weird ending decision to make it a part 1 of 2. zero warning for that. and i sat in that theater till credits bcuz i genuinely thought i was being punked and the movie was going to finish, bcuz it did not at all feel like a place to stop for the movie. it ends like right before the climax?? yes they really. extended themselves damn far for this one and it would be a lot to tie up in like another 45 minutes of movie but also like you couldve done it.. i really dont. understand. like ppl just sat in the movie theater like wait is it done. theyre ending it here? for real? like it wasnt the kind of ending you expect from this movie 

animation was obviously gorgeous and insane i dont even need to talk about what eye candy it was. the different styles all together the fight scenes ugh so good yeah yeah everyone knew it would be a trip

rly cannot stress enough what a Direction this sure was. i dont like say it as crit necessarily just like. did they over extend. maybe. they sure Extended. i would expect this maybe for a third movie not a second but they were clearly trying to blow the first one out of the water. it was just.. a lot looser. it needed to be tighter. i dont know what theyre planning for the 3rd movie but i really did not like. vibe with that ending decision

they changed peni’s design slightly and gave her a cooler mech so thats nice. maybe they listened 2 criticisms abt that

i cant decide how i feel abt a lot of the dialogue tbh it rly wasnt my thing a lot of the time like. the changing writers were kind of.. obvious. and there was a LOT of dialogue bcuz this movies purpose seems to be a very Character Driven story to prepare for the next? like theyre TRYING to say stuff thats for sure. also it was rly quippy in a way that i feel has gotten kind of tired with dialogue writing like SOME dialogue was genuinely funny and good to me like i wouldnt say it was BAD or something (some of it was bad.) it was just.. noticeably different? the tone for this movie was changed from the first which again isnt bad youre telling a different story it was just Different yeah. some things i rly thought couldve been handled like with more subtlety. 

i guess we only had one movie with the original cast but some stuff just like i personally was sitting there trying to figure out if it felt in character or not. its rly hard to explain if u havent watched it i think and maybe im just crazy i dunno. im absolutely not opposed to making ur characters fuck up and make mistakes but like. huh. i guess. i would not expect otherwise from gwen bcuz shes a teenager but i was.. surprised that peter was going along with it like ? hes a middle aged man lol he wasnt like taken advantage of or manipulated in any way. not like they were trying to say that w the like spider group anyway, like i dont think they were tryingto say gwen was necessariyl taken advantage of or anything, like they werent trying to make them read as ‘evil’ if anything just like wow these ppl sure have Problems they are going thruogh. but like still? im not invested in peters character even it just felt kind of weird. miles went fucking through it too like jesus christ im still trying to wrap my brain around all this it sure does feel like theyre putting these ppl thru comic book trauma

what i went through emotionally wheni realized they were going to do Dark Miles i dont even mean that as criticism or anything its just a bold move man. buti was sitting there like yeah of course they would. hope they make it work

i dunno i probably have more thoughts im just kind of like sitting here lol like what a weird decision. if they hadnt ended it like that i probably would have my thoughts more tied together bcuz the movie itself wasnt tied up?? so its kind of hard to even like think through everything on one watch

[joelywoely]

EHAT SPECIES IS GRIAN. IS HE A FUCKING RAINWING/RAIN HYBRID I;M GOIJNG OT K?ILY LO U

sorry i got excited i'm very excited. i'm very excited at this i loooove wings of fire so much what the fuck do you mean someone else out there has thought abt making a life series wof au.

i have a million thoughts about what species and hybrids they'd be but i don't think this is the place to share that..... Sigh........ grian is so Insanely sandwing coded. though. need to say this. need to spread and share my truth GOOD DAY! I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR ABSOLUTELY EVERY DROP OF INFORMATION YOU MAY HAVE ABOUT THIS AU!

HI!

okay so grians species is actually kinda complicated

he was born as game watcher, an animus nightwing working under his mentor, secret keeper. he helps to organize tournaments between tribes on the mainland, tournaments that frequently end up going to death, a bit like scarlet's battle arena. though, one day, he got too attached to a participant in the game, which is a big no no and secret keeper cursed him to become a "lazy, bumbling rainwing for the rest of his days"

he moves permanently to the mainland and into the rainforest, plotting his vengeance and trying to find out how to cure himself.

since he looks like a very. weird rainwing though jimmy and joel end up finding him and trying to recruit him to their little hybrid clique.

jimmy is a rainsea hybrid named canary and joel is a rainmud hybrid named leaf. they're kinda the weirdos of the rainwings and, because grian is 1. generally bad at "acting like a rainwing" and 2. looks like a weird sort of hybrid of some kind, they take him under their wings for a while.

while out one night, trying to find that portal to the nightwing island, grian is ambushed.

when he wakes up hes in the scorpion den, ran by cleo, a skysand hybrid named cobra. she gets to be nicknamed king cobra cause I think its it's fun. turns out theres a small bounty on his head, but cleo will spare him (for now) out of good faith, them both being hybrids and all.

scar is the one who kidnapped him. formerly named sahara, scar was renamed after gaining all his battle wounds. hes like the quibli to cleos thorn. scar doesnt exactly appreciate cleos generosity, but he doesnt do anything further. hes just tasked with showing grian around, hes essentially his assigned best friend. neither of them care to much for it.

one day the skywings raid the scorpion den, lead by martyn, who is named general mars. grians wing gets injured in his and scars escape, cleo is captured.

scar wasnt able to fly anyway, but he refuses to leave grian, carrying him away on his back.

they are left stranded in the desert and become closer, grian still trying to find a cure for his curse. jimmy and joel are still looking for him.

some extra things:

tango is an overcooked skywing with too much fire, though he isnt with the skywing kingdom, hes actually imprisoned there. his name is blaze. also gay rancher love

lizzie is the seawing queen who's name is axolotl. she and jimmy are half siblings and shes been searching for him since his egg was stolen from the hatchery. his egg was yellow, btw, so shes looking for a yellowy seawing. his name was going to be cod. she and joel meet and fall in love at first fight.

scott is one of her ambassadors and friends, helping her try to find jimmy. his name is seafoam.

pearl is grians sister, her name is, of course, pearlescentmoon, named that mostly just because she was born on a bright bright night. she can see into the future and she desperately wants to return her brother to a normal life.

cub is an icewing named polar (last name bear lol. cuz. cub.) and he and scar met when they were both taken as prisoners. they're besties but dont talk often. etho is also an icewing, his name is icicle.

ren is the skywing king, his name is just red. they call him the red king.

this is fairly new so I haven't done much work on it this is kinda all I got rn

also take some doodles

that jimmy is before I decided hed be a searain hybrid.

I'll totally take alternate hybrid ideas btw!! names too, lol

[rt-lots]

Joining in on the Ian and Rammy ask train… 🌂✏️ (and 🍎 specifically for Ian!)

TW for a fair bit of suicide talk!!!

umbrella - i assume this doesnt need an answer for both of them, bcuz they belong 2 the same story. i imagine ian and rammys story being a vidya game, and i guess itd b a psychological horror? which feels like, pretentious to say but the main scaries of the story are how much ians life sucks and he wants 2 die. so... i think itd count. thats all overarching stuff tho... most of ian n rammys time spent together is lightheared, i think. theyre two dudes hanging out and one of them is slowly coming to terms with the fact his suicidal thoughts won. whatever genre that is

pencil - WAHHH it depends a lot of the time... ian and rammy have definitely made a big resurgence in my brain recently (past month) bc im 18 and can post bout em, but also just cuz i love them sooo much and want to chew on them constantly. id say i write abt/draw them pretty frequently tho!! i doodle them on my school work and in notebooks a lot and they have some of the bigger galleries on my toyhouse lawl. i dont write much directly for their universe, but ive typed... many paragraphs to my friends just braindumping the shit i think about them. so, yeah, less often than id like, but theyre up there in my priorities of ocs :3

apple (for ian) - GRAHHHHHHHHHHH u dont know what demons uve unleashed w this. i already twed this post for suicide but im gonna move this part under the cut bc mentioning ians dad specifically ties a lot into the suicide aspect of the story

OKAY SO. ians family consists of his mom, sister, and him. his dad was in the picture when he was a little kid, like early elementary age, but ditched after some time. his relationship with both parents was relatively normal, they definitely couldve done a better job raising him, but they were never intentionally hurtful nor did they scar him at all. (well, correction, his MOM didnt scar him at all)

after ians dad left, though, his side of the family still kept in touch... they gave very flimsy reasonings for his fathers absence, why he couldnt make it to holidays, why he wasnt saying all these things directly, etc. it kept things strained and tense as the family knew things were being kept from them but never got to know why. the last interaction ian ever had w his dads side of the family was on his 18th birthday, where his uncle gifted him a silver handgun with his name carved into the handle. it was a hollow attempt to connect with ian, a display of violent masculinity that ian would later use to try and take his own life.

i dont have it fully figured out what this *means* for ians character, but its something i go insane about. ians only memories of his dad are him doing stereotypical masculine dad things w him, like fishing. maybe he didnt interact w ian ass if he was his child, but if he was his son, and that improper socialization is part of the reason he hates himself- why the gun is what kills him. but... i dunno really. ians social anxiety, addiction, and general collapsing in on himself are cuz of a life time of mental illness that went unchecked until he successfully isolated himself to the point no one *could* care, not just cuz daddy give him gun.

okay! that is NOT what u asked at all but now u know it. hehehe. of course ian and rammys story is a big wip forever so excuse me for any side tangents and/or general plot points w loose ends

but! as for his actual relationships w family (ill include sister since his relationship w mom isnt rlly fleshed out yet):

he and his mom havent spoken in 6 years, nor have he and his sister. he slowly faded out of their lives when he moved away, partly out of a subconscious desire to isolate and partly due to just not having the social confidence or energy to maintain regular communication w his family. his mom is the first person he talks to when he escapes his Puter, and she's his rock in his remaining months of recovery. shes very underdeveloped as a character atm, but what is certain is she tries her hardest to understand her sons struggles and support him, offering to pay for therapy for him. ian loves his mommy lalala

ian and his sister are... dddifferent. ian also had an average relationship w his sister, but shes a lot more upfront with him when it comes to talking about how his 6 year absence effected her than their mom. their mom, while wanting her children to seek help for their respective struggles, doesnt really want to actively talk about those things with them. shes terrified of saying the wrong thing, and it doesnt help that she doesnt even have a clue what *to* say. ians sister, though, isnt afraid to tell him "hey man we fucking missed you. your absence hurt a lot because i didnt have any friends either, and i wish we couldve had eachother. jackass" post main-story they are friendly and hang out. during his time w rammy, ian does talk about his thoughts on his sister before he left, that being that shes a "crazy bitch"... family <3

[cpunkwitch]

i feel like i need to talk to someone about me getting a wheelchair

theres so many things holding me back from doing it

-i live on a hill, sidewalks are shit and cars drive fast and close to the curb a lot here -my parents already think im being a bit dramatic at times with my cane, theyre just getting used to me using it and my dad still makes comments about it from time to time, if i got a wheelchair that judgement would go up like 10 notches -im really tight on money and while i know theres a few places that might give them for free im pretty sure theyre american and im in canada -my mom has offered to let me use her back brace if it wasnt summer and that thing wouldnt cook me alive in the heat, i might ask if i could use her rollator from time to time but i doubt shed let me and i dont know if it would help much more than my cane -still getting over a lot of internal stuff to get myself to even use my cane regardless of how little its helping when i do. mix of self esteem, internalized ableism and other shit like that -etc

i want to figure something out that works if i didnt have the rest of that stuff to worry about, i might be able to set aside some of my inheritance after paying the first term of my tuition to get a cheap wheelchair somewhere but thats still not very likely

i know getting one would make things so much easier on my body if everything else wasnt in the way, id use it on the worst days of pain and during trips i know id otherwise have to be on my feet a while for. if i didnt have so many things holding me back id have one right now

i dont even know who id talk to let alone how id bring this up with my mom(cuz i trust her better than my dad seeing as shes also disabled) without an argument over aids and my body if i even could.

i guess im looking for advice on my situation, tips that could help out be it handling any of my obstacles, something i could do to make things easier on my body, what have you

im at a loss i broke down over this last night because my legs gave out on me and i laid collapsed on my floor for a bit before pulling myself up with my cane with much struggle.

i dont know why ableds think at all that we're 100% fine and functionable if we're not immobile and bedridden in the hospital. this shit is my life and has been for years because of a fuckup in my spine i was born with among other shit. i hate it.

[mariailoveyou-guerin]

they was having a Nolan marathon at the cinemas today N I cant believe he got me crying about the gays again plz they fit every me trope blonde x dark hair he fell first and he fell harder, them only been willing to risk their lives for each other or the world! fcvk u tenet Nolan

Nolan really has me crying about mf Neil and his protagonist boyfriend again in the mf year of 2023 when movie came out 2 years ago now in time it didn’t deserve to come out bc it didnt get the respect it deserved thanks to this stupid pandemic ruined it for us and me N my chance

If ever getting tenet 2 imagine Nolan waited and released tenet now the love and hype it would’ve gotten the same love and hype Oppenheimer is getting bc people can actually go to the cinemas now unlike during when tenet was released in era of a world pandemic which ruined it for

them and the blockbuster the cult following it will get some day soon but should’ve gotten from the first day it was released as it’s the greatest Nolan movie the script is insane deserved Oscar nominations for everything effects acting script the whole lot I’m so mad now being

reminded of what tenet could’ve gotten but didn’t get thanks to the pandemic and racism and stupid people not getting movies! I’m so 😡 it deserves so much better then what it got so much better so did all the actors they were amazing the movie was brilliant phenomenal incredible

like Neil like to say what’s happened has happened anyways tenet 2 Neil who’s also a protagonist and that’s what I think tenet 2 is about! Plz I need tenet 2 about how Neil feel in love with the protagonist which he wasnt supposed to mission wise yet he did from the start the joy

the mf love in his face when he saw the protagonist for the first time him remembering what he likes doesn’t plz he was always jealous about kat! asking if the protagonist was gonna go see her or watch over her from afar, plz they was crying for god sake him giving his piece of

most dangerous weapon to him just so he could go back to keep saving the protagonist because to him that’s more important! Fock you Nolan I’m not gonna watch Oppenheimer out of spite for making me feel this way again and again now I’m 2023 and until I get tenet 2 with Neil being

protagonist which people will love and call it his best work his best movie but as long as we get Neil and protagonist I don’t care as long it’s Pattison and John David! Please god I’m begging I need it now hope I get in 2-3 years which is Nolan script an filming new movie window

I did not just see people shipping Neil and Ives it’s always yt girls doing the most they didn’t even interact except at the last scene or the one scene when he called them please be for real like we get y’all obsessed and always pushing two white males together but stop especially here when Neil only knows and cares about the protagonist also I didn’t see protagonist x Neil not top most romantic real canon Nolan ship even tho it was the most real canon ship but ofc the one that top is a yt mlm ship and ofc article was written by a yt woman who said the movie tenet was Nolan most disappointing cold films yeah she’s insane she’s never watched a movie in her life let alone Nolan movie ever because then she would know this is Nolan greatest or top2-3 greatest movies he’s ever made and she clearly sounds like a yet woman who can’t understand epic good storytelling and plots sad really like please she can’t be for real ofc she said they cuz the lead wasn’t a yt man she finds attractive but a black man like who’s surprised shocked not me same old bullshitt always happening thanks to yt woman who are obsessed with yt mlm ship to a fetishising degree and only care about movies series anything especially ships if it includes 2 yt men

[tears-of-boredom]

i want to be dead. but you know, in that passive way where its just kind of a fact. im pretty sure its just my womanly hormones talking but i really dont see myself ever getting out of this mud. metaphorical mud i mean. im like laying in mud, and sometimes i manage to stand up,, but you know, im still standing in it, and covered in it. and eventually i fall back down. you know i seemingly really like to make up stupid metaphors. i have no idea why, maybe it makes me feel smart.

im tired. tomorrow i have a driving lesson. my first one. ever. im not really worried for myself, i just feel like the teacher is going to be dissapointed in me or something.

ive been having annoying dreams. in the last one i was smoking with my sibling and i talked to them about how ive been having so many dreams where ive smoked. i hate that my dreams do that. reference other dreams as if they arent dreams themselves. makes it harder to wake up ya know. i wish id have a positive dream for once. amybe one about moving on my own and getting away from this family finally. or more like just getting away from mom. shes literally the only one i want to be away from.

ive been decorating my room. setting up shelves and buying trinkets from kontti. it kind of halted because i couldnt figure out why our nail gun wasnt accepting the nails i was putting in it, and then i couldnt find any other kind. and i didnt want to ask mom for help. and also i decided to do the net thing, which is the main thing, cuz ill hang shit from it. i guess i could hammer a hook into the wall for a painting...but the point was that ive been thinking about the fact that if i wanna move before im 18, all this decoration ive been planning wont have the opportunity to be up for that long. but also that was the reason that ive literally never felt comfortable decorating my room, even when the ones that were completely my own. and i decided that this time im not gonna make that mistake and just decorate if i want to, no thinking about how itll have to be taken down eventually.

anyways im just really sad, and i visited my sister recently and i was really close to crying just because her apartment seemed so safe and so much like it was hers. and i like really want that for myself. and im just sad. and i dont wanna go to the driving lesson tomorrow. not because i dont wanna go to the lesson itself, but because i feel like ill be like at my worst, and thus wont get that much out of it.

i really want to get out of this house. when we were moving, there was like two weeks where me and my brother spent the nights at this new apartment, while mom slept at the old one, just because our trips to school would be much shorter. and those two weeks felt like heaven honestly. i didnt even realise why i felt so good and happy, until mom started sleeping here as well, and all the joy drained from me in an instant.

i dont know how to express to the adults in my life how much i want to live on my own. because im just a child. a fifteen year old child. and living with a different adult wont work. it has to be alone. i can promise you that when i fucking get that apartment, no matter how small or shitty, i will cry tears of happiness and relief.

im hesitant to even type these words but: maybe i should talk to my mom about this. just tell her that i really want to move out. no feeling-sharing needed.

i wanna go skydiving without a parachute. soar through the air for the first and last time in my life.

i wish i could fly. ive wished that for a long time. i remember wishing it ever vacation i had to spend up north. and everytime i spent a recess alone in the school yard.

i hate that im crying just because im menstruating. it makes me feel like my emotions arent true. not like i trust my emotions to be true any other fucking time.

why is life like this. why do so many people get to live so easy lives and then i have to do this shit.

ohhkay i just felt the urge to go get a knife so im not going to feed my own anger.

im tired.

its weird because i do dissociate clearly, but its always more liek just, my body seems weird, and it feels realy creepy how my body just moves when i want it to. and i feel like im just watching through someone elses eyes. it cant be me whos so good at typing. im clumsy, i struggle with guitar chords and mute the wrong strings. why are my hands so soft. it feels really gross to be in this body. but still, in the back of my head i know that im ust making this all up in my head. because who the fuck else is this. of course its my finger that are typing my thoughts out.

even my fucking ring looks weird and foreign.why does my skin have a texture. why are humans os fucking gross.why do i have to feel things.

oh my god im driving myself into a fucking meltdown right down im going to force myself to stop.