#ask polystumbles

[polystumbles]

re: your safer sex guidelines. how do you deal with & combat STI-shaming and stigma? what happens if someone in your polycule has an STI, especially a lifelong one?

That’s not really the objective of our safer sex guidelines, so it’s not addressed in there. The guidelines are about minimizing risk of transmission, and empowering everyone for informed consent. As such its not a tool for fighting stigma.  

We haven’t had this STI talk. Perhaps we should. 

However, to answer your question, here’s how I would handle it. Once any emotions subside it would be a rational discussion on risks between partners, then each person would decide how best to protect themselves in light of the developments. 

What adjustments might be needed, if any, would vary according to each person’s risk aversion, the risk of the sti, and the methods/effectiveness of monitoring and prevention. Those decisions may even include not being sexual with partner whose partners pose too much a bodily risk, or even not continuing a relationship. Such is the price of bodily autonomy. 

However, when you know what STI(s) you are dealing with you can more accurately assess your risks of transmission and methods of protection. You’re probably at a bigger risk not knowing whether someone has an STI, than knowing a partner has an STI.

Ironically, some high impact STIs, like HIV, can be more effectively monitored, prevented, and controlled than some lower impact STIs, like HSV (hard to protect against, rarely monitored, difficult to transmit, low impact on life, utterly commonplace). You can’t tell a person what to do to protect themselves, but you can accept their fear, and provide trustworthy resources to help a partner make an informed decision, and try to provide reassurance that you can handle your side of protecting them. But none of this help is debate: what a new partner might read as stigma, could just as easily be a history of mistakes, a context the partner doesn’t understand.

If you feel a partner or metamour’s position is unreasonable, you might want to consider what are the barriers to change for them, and act accordingly.

For more guidance, check out the PolyWeekly podcast and the episodes under the STI tag.

[they-came-to-slayy]

torisoulphoenix:

geaniewebbie:

screengeniuz:

sale-aholic:

polystumbles:

When Tisdale asked Steinem what she would tell black women who said the feminist movement isn’t about them or doesn’t speak to them, Steinem replied, “I don’t say anything. I listen.”

There you have it.

My favorite part: “ “I realize that things being what they are, probably the white middle-class part of the movement got reported more,” Steinem continued. “But if you look at the numbers and the very first poll of women thinking about responding on women’s issues, African-American women were twice as likely to support feminism and feminist issues as White women.”

“I don’t say anything. I listen.”

LEARN SOMETHING TODAY.

“I don’t say anything. I listen”

Love it.

[polystumbles]

Diary 08/27-30/2016: The Art of the Family Trip

Amy’s Aunt and Grandma live in Chicago, and the kids had never met either. We decided to head to Chicago so that thing 2, our resident artist, could celebrate her Birthday amidst the great art of Chicago, and meeting the new family. It so happened that Amy’s mom and Dad decided to join us and had already driven over earlier in the week. I had made most of the plans, booking us a lovely executive suite, and her parents a room in the same hotel, all at a great discount, because that's what I do! Get great deals!

On the flight over the kids are awesome, because that's what they do. They read, the play, as we split them up thing 2 with me, thing 1 with mom. It's smooth sailing all the way into the hotel room, where the kids are excited to meet up with their grandparents. We hand them off for a spell, and settle into our room.

Once they’re gone, I haven't forgotten Amy’s reaction in NOLA. How she mentioned relief at getting sex out of the way. At the first opportunity, I make sure to throw her on the bed and fuck her. Rather than resent her statement, I decided to play with it.

The rest of the afternoon is great. We go for late morning Dim Sum, visit the Wicker Park Spy Agency, head to the Intuit Art gallery, for a large collection of African American art, and then down to Hyde park for board games and Ice cream. We take the kids back to the hotel, order some deep dish pizza (when in Rome they say), put them to bed, then walk over to our evening show,  leaving the grandparents to babysit.

 I got us tickets to an evening variety show with some burlesque, music, and comedy. We arrive early, walk around some more before settling down with some drinks before the doors open. We talk about a million things, but mostly we wind down to one question from Amy, “why haven't you left me?” If Z and I are so much more compatible, and we had gone through such a tough time, and even polyamory seemed to come easier for the two of us, why didn't I just leave her at any point once it became clear how much stronger my relationship with Z has become.

It was an interesting conversation. Both in terms of what she assumed, and what she observed. I told her as clearly as I could that the answer was very much the same answer to why I stay with Z despite her challenges: I’m here for the potential, not the promise, of our days and nights together. I talk about how we’re partners, her, me, z, in different and complementary ways. That perhaps the biggest thing we need is to let go of who we were, and continue to find, instead, who we can be. We can be great, we just can’t be who we were. Who we were had stopped working as a healthy relationship. We needed to forge a new path. But we are people capable of doing it, and she is someone worth walking that new path with.

We watched the show, then stopped by a lounge on the way back for some impromptu dancing. It was one of the few lounges on our walk back that had people of color -- the others were whiter than mayo, and so drunk it was might have been cinco do mayo(naise) -- so it was not going to be my crowd. We have a good time, avoid the few overly drunk people, and get out before we turn into pumpkins. 

On the walk back Amy and I stop at one of the bridges to talk some more. She had printed out a poem to read to me. It was the poem Polystumbles’ Last Theorem -- a poem I wrote for her back in 2014, that to this day remains as what is probably my all time favorite that I’ve written. We laugh at the wordplay and remember how it came to be, that she had a need -- I hadn’t written her a poem in a while -- and she gave me a constraint -- that it be based on Fermat’s Last Theorem. Why that constraint? Well years ago I had given her a book on the hunt for a solution, and it was a scintillating read. I don’t think she had it’s poly-esque implications, as explored in my poem, in mind. We laughed, smiled, cried, and walked our tired asses back to the hotel. We fell asleep after relieving the grandparents.

Sunday, Thing 2 largely takes charge. She navigates us using a map to the places I ask her to lead us. We have a quick snack ahead of her birthday brunch, then walk to Millennium Park for Cloud Gate, then some Chakaia Booker. We make it down to Buckingham fountain, before its time for brunch at Bohemian House with the grandparents, the great aunt, and the great grandma. Thing 2 loves brunch almost as much as she loved dim sum. I have a feeling that trips around her birthday are going to be a common thing. From brunch, it was off to Navy Pier, with a stop at After-Words bookstore because Thing 1 needs books like some people need air.  

Sunday night, Chicago didn’t have as much going on, and Amy and I decided to stay in and rest from the day’s insane walking. We take the kids to the hotel’s pool and unwind the rest of the evening, ordering in some dinner.

Monday, we bid the grandparents adieu and pack up ourselves. I laugh when I find some “sprinkles” from my Friday trip to the Ice Cream Museum in my pocket. The hotel’s paintings are not anchored to the wall, so a new entry joined my collection of Six Word Story additions. With just until the early afternoon left, we take the kids to museum row, hoping to see the aquarium. However, the line is so long that we end up going to the Field museum instead, which Isn’t exactly a bad option! Thing 2 adores the ancient jewelry and the rare gems. Surprise! Not. They end up having to be peeled out of the museum when it’s time to go.

We make it home, exhausted, but smiles all around even near midnight. All in all it was a great family trip.

[polystumbles]

Was reading your latest blog. Just wanted to say that your wife probably doesn't feel the same compulsion for zs presence that you do. :)

I wasn’t going to answer this ask about this post, but in the spirit of having an open mind, assuming good intentions, and helping anyone who may be struggling with this issue let me answer it.

Why, for holy fucks sake, would she?

Why would I expect Amy to want Z’s presence? Why would I expect Z to want Amy around? Why would one expect metamours to crave each other’s presence, the way they want their partner?  I guess it sounds nice, in the triad-centric poly sense. I mean, in real life it’s an almost silly expectation when you think about it. 

The driving force for Amy here is her empathy for Z and  her inclusion of Z’s desire to care for her loved one in a time of grief. Those things did happen, I saw them, Amy saw them. However, do I think Amy felt a desire for Z to be there? No. I think she did want her there out of compassion for Z, and out of love for me, but for Z as a metamour per se.

I’d say the expectation that partners be good friends, want each other around, and the like are just as bad as the expectation that they be lovers.  It’s still some external power (me) dictating the minimum nature of their relationship. It makes developing a friendship a pressure, not a bonus.  I don’t want to do that. I don’t have that expectation.  You shouldn’t either. I need respect, consideration, and good will from them, about each other. I need respect and safety from them.

I do think they’ll be friends again, become better friends then ever. I do think it will make things better for all of us as they do, but if Amy broke my trust, she doubly broke Z’s trust even when all Z was asking of her was minimal compared to me. I don’t expect them to be superhuman and not have emotions to deal with about that. Even in those difficult moments, we all expect compassion, consideration, respect for and respect the autonomy of each other. 

[polystumbles]

Would you even be poly if you initially dated someone who hunkered for you the way you did for them?

Short answer:

Monogamy isn’t a prize. Not in consolation, nor in victory. It is a choice. In many cases it’s the right choice for people, in many other cases it’s the wrong choice. it’s needs and risk tolerance. If you approach monogamy like a prize, you’ll tie your self worth to it, win or lose. That’s a shitty way to live when monogamy involves another person’s needs and risk tolerance -- not how much, or with how much effort, you love someone. 

Love is not a meritocracy. Hard work is no guarantee for love. And monogamy, is not love’s apex. 

Long answer:

Yes I’d still be poly and I have empirical evidence because what else does one call “hunkering down“ than:

Amy:

Literally clean the shit out of my mom’s house

Throw on boots and grab a knife to join the street fight one night when my older brother was in a rumble

Give birth to my two children

Welcome other people into our relationship, our bed, our lives.

To tackle my family’s poverty together

Build two, going on three profitable businesses together.

Accept the growth of my relationship with Z.

Navigate my family in two countries, across three languages

Tackle her family issues, her mental health issues, to be a better partner for me.

Z:

Accepting my commitment to my family

Dating me despite my relationships with Bee and Amy when we met

Giving up control just to spend time with me in that home

Loving past my mother’s bitterness

Attempting to forge a relationship with Amy

Face her fears of illegitimacy and being the “other woman”

Accept me fully for the Bison that I am.

Tackling her anxiety and depression to own her own shit

Working to forge other relationships to meet her own needs, so don’t feel compelled to try and meet them all

To move within minutes of where I live so we could be closer.

I may love a lot. I may have energy, passion, commitment, and attention to detail, but I have not done what they have done for for me. {That was a small selection above.}

Z and Amy have hunkered down for me the way even more than I have done for them. I don’t think there is more either of them could have done to earn monogamy. Could I have asked more of them at any point? No.

Order has nothing to do with it. If I had dated Z first, I would have been arrested not been the person she fell in love with.

As for today, I’m not sure what has happened to Amy. I think her mental health issues have proven unconquerable, and I’ve given up having any responsibility in healing those issues for my own safety. Perhaps the emptiness of achieving her life goals, has left only the vast emptiness of her past, with no tension to hold the chasm closed. But no matter what happens, it won’t be because of a lack of “hunkering down”.

[polystumbles]

We are poly & i love both my bf and gf very much, however it is becoming more & more clear that my partner is more enamoured with our gf than with me. It hurts so very much. But if I say anything its just me being insecure. How can I approach this?

If this is a new relationship with the girlfriend:

I’d recommend you sit on a couch with a good view of them. Pour a good cup of tea and watch their interactions (I don’t mean sex).  Record in your memory how happy he is now.  That is the giddy glow of new relationship energy. He felt that with you, but biology is biology and (almost) no one feels that forever (though there are hacks).  Unless your partner is a freak like me, that glow fades but he will be reminded of having that feeling with you, he will feel parts of it for you, if not right away than soon, it will be reawakened in bits. It’s a chemical called dopamine and overtime gets overcome in most people by the pairing hormone oxytocin (typically somewhere 6-18 months). If he’s a freak like me, my NRE tail is very long,  he still feels the same for you but you may be blind to it -- as Amy so often is. So when you see how he smiles for her, you might not be seeing when he smiles that way for you – probably because of those insecurities.

If this is an established relationship: and you don’t think the above applies. You should start by asking yourself 2 questions:

So what? Disarm the issue by seeing it’s really a non-issue. Is it even possible to love people equally? What would that even look like? When you stop and think about it, the idea is non-sensical: people give love and need love differently. You: snowflake. GF: snowflake. Both: unique. You may need less or more of the different things – and love isn’t one thing.

Now what? You need something now  -- that something is called reassurance. Sure you can fault him for not providing enough of it now, but really what will that get you other than a nasty breakup and a strike against you. So do what makes sense in the bedroom when you want something: try it a little by yourself, and then ask for it.

What do I mean try it a little by yourself? Here’s an example of an exercise I did with Amy (nee Wife). She read an article on the 5 love languages. She Identified 2 things about herself: Which love language are you most receptive to, which love language are you most expressive in? I did the same. We discussed our findings. You can think about it all by yourself: think back on your relationship(s)– how do you best feel loved? How does your partner prefer to show it? Tell your partner you want that. Ask for it clearly, and let him dictate the last mile. Then also recognize, and acknowledge when he shows love how he prefers to show it, because that will also get you more of it. 

I think you’ll become more confident that he loves you and worry less about who he loves more, when it’s clear that your love is bespoke.

Hat tip to @blissmanifesto​ who first recognized wife’s love language and sent us down that path with a comment she made a while back –thanks!

[polystumbles]

::Pouts:: Now why can't I find someone to have an electrifying sexual connection with?

You will, love. You seem all around with it, self aware, and you know what you want. Just don’t forget to enjoy the journey there, soaking up even the frustrations and all,  or you’ll easily forget what they’ll mean to you when you find them.

It’s that journey that brings the clarity and focus needed to make miracles manifest. I needed that clarity when I met wife and I was so young. I needed it again when I almost left Z after a few dates.

[polystumbles]

Hi! My primary partner is considering dating a couple. I told her before I wasn't comfortable with this. She regularly schedules dates with other people when we had already planned things and she once cancelled on me 3 times in ten days and I'm still not over that. Triads can be very time/emotionally consuming, and I don't feel emotionally safe with a primary dating me, being in a triad, and seeing another person (which she would be doing) since she's so bad at time management. Any thoughts?

Ton of thoughts, you might not like all of them.

Successful polyamory requires one major mental shift that people often try to avoid: putting your partners in control of deciding what will make them the most happy. If you have made known your fear, know that your fear isn’t really about the configuration (couple+partner+you) – that could be just as threatening in monogamy – it’s about what it takes for you to be reassured emotionally. You (together) have to figure out what she needs to do to make you feel secure. Your shift is to put yourself in control of what makes you happy, and it’s not your partner’s relationship decisions.  Her job is to join you on that journey.

For me that looks like understanding that for Wife that means she gets a lot more alone time that is consistent. It means she gets me without having to have sex with me every day. For Z, it means that I hear very little about her life when I’m not around, and that she gets a lot more say in defining how she wants to be a part of my life, and my family life. Both are free to date whom they please, I am free to own my own dam feelings about that. For a while too it meant that I maintained 3 relationships: Bee, Z, and Wife. 

You are making assumptions about her dating a couple, such as calling them a triad, and assuming that a triad can’t be casual or less emotionally involved. You are assuming she can’t meet your emotional needs, and when you do so you are writing her out of your own life. Try instead to paint a path for her to stay an important part of your life: tell her what you need. Just don’t tell her to do everything at once. 

The canceling is a good place to start. For some people canceling is NOT a big deal. For some people it is a huge deal. The biggest issues Z and I have had have been due to changes in plans (aka canceling). What one party views as a change the other can view as being left out in the rain.

Try the good old “When you do ______, I feel ______.” statements. Think about 5 negative and five positive examples. Find a way to share them with her.

If she’s bad a time management – make her good at it, share a calendar, confirm, remind. Work with your metamours too. Ask her if you can coordinate all together, if they can check with you. Coordinate the week with her every Sunday night. Don’t just say she’s bad, be active. My dentist now calls, texts, and emails out reminders. There is a cancellation fee. That sounds like role play material right there!

For example, when Wife refers to me with platonic terms, such as friend, She knows I am going to town on her that night. She is going to get fucked ridiculously hard, probably in the ass, and going to be taking a load in her face, to remind her not to call me a friend. Why? Because I am not her friend.

The bad news here however is big – canceling on you can be a few things: leaning on the strength your relationship over the new ones, just bad at planning, or that you are not her priority. If this is consistently an issue, I’d say its the latter.

Which leads to what may be the toughest to hear. What if you consider her your primary but she doesn’t consider you hers? What would that mean? Would you be willing to accept that? What does the word Primary even mean to you? To her? Are you speaking the same terms? The idea that there is a “we first“ is belied by the 50% divorce rate in America (assuming you are in the US).

Wife had to make this adjustment with Z. My relationship with Z is much more than Wife and I had ever thought of as possible when we opened up. Wife essentially shares me half time with Z. She could decide at any time that this is not what she wants. She could decide at any time that she has unmet needs (and go get them fulfilled). She could decide that Z is a negative effect on her life, and decide not to interact with Z. But she can’t decide what I do. Being a primary partner does not mean making choices for  your partner. (You can read those statements precisely the same with Z in Wife’s place, but our relationship never had the “protections” of monogamy and marriage.) 

If you want her in your life – your only choice is to work with her to make the decisions she wants to make, safe for you. Her decisions, your needs.

That’s really at the end of the day why I don’t really like hierarchical language in polyamory: no matter what you do or call, polyamory forces everyone too balance being accountable to their own decisions and owning reactions – absent grandiose, broken societal expectations.

[polystumbles]

(1/2) hi there! i'm in a relationship with a married person (it's consensual and open) and i relate very much with what Z experiences in your most recent post. i find that some relationships are more recognisable/visible than others in the heteronormative world we live in. straight people who are married, for example, have their relationships validated more than, say, a gay couple that isn’t. i experience a similar hierarchy in poly relationships in that my partner’s marriage carries more weight

(2/2) than our relationship. while this might seem like a minute issue, i experience comments that discredit my relationship pretty often – similar to what Z’s dad has said to her. while i have come across blogs written by people with visible relationships, like yours, i haven’t exactly found those written by people in Z’s position. i was just wondering if Z writes about her experience or if you knew of any blogs of this nature?

Not a minute issue at all!!!! Though, I wouldn’t use visibility to distinguish my relationships. Z’s relationship with me is very visible, you have to have blinders or not see me very often to see it. As I mentioned I am out to almost everyone, and we are openly and un-self-consciously affectionate anywhere. But I get what you mean – there is always the presumption of monogamy. Some people assume she is my wife, some have twisted their brains to think she is wife’s sister. I’m sure my whole building knows 

She doesn’t blog to share her thoughts. It’s mostly her photography. She keeps a typed journal. It’s pretty detailed. She shared with me the first 9 months of it in a magnificent gift. Wife does blog, on tumblr, and a few people who have asked have received the URL. 

To answer your question, I don’t know many other people who write from Z’s perspective in a similar relationship: where being second is an indicator of when you arrived, not where you stand in a hierarchy. But if it helps please keep reading to hear my side, to know that love and commitment are possible in poly relationships. (Followers: Any recommendations?)

Maybe talking with other Poly people would help. Z has been to a few poly events and has enjoyed not having to explain our relationship to people. If only periodically, it’s good to get out and talk to other people who you know you don’t have to explain things to. It can be taxing to have people constantly be distracted by the poly part of a relationship.

I’m hoping Z and Wife will one day add their notes to my diary (mostly presented here) to make a book. Neither would want to be the principal author, so I envision it as their notes in the margins, like a dialogue they are having with my recollections –I even have a title: “Our life at the margins”. Anyone interested?

[polystumbles]

I wouldn’t have even known to search for polyamory, or non-monogamy, were necessity not the mother of online research.

Polystumbles

tl;dr version of this ask

[polystumbles]

I was in the waiting area at Reagan Airport Gate 42 today, and I saw a well-dressed couple boarding a 4:00pm flight for LaGuardia who matched the picture of you that I'd created in my head. I was curious if that might have been you and one of your partners? (If this is too intrusive, please feel free to disregard, I just wanted to indulge my curiosity.)

That is the absolute *best* thing I’ve heard in a long time.. I could say, but then again, that would ruin it just a little no? I’d love to hear of more “sightings”. How about my partners and I just be everywhere you see loving, affectionate people? Sometimes as couples, sometimes as a nuclear family, sometimes as a wuzzle or poly family.Let’s just say we were them. And the next time you see a loving snuggle at a lecture, or stumble a peek at a couple getting dirty in the woods, that’s us too. 

I love the idea that we are love and commitment and we are everywhere. Thank you for making me smile!

[polystumbles]

Hello again, sorry about not replying, Uni work have been killer atm. Thank you for replying to me, I really do appreciate it. I read what you said and I've taken your advice and have given her space, I've tried talking to F in just a friendly way but I got the cold shoulder. So I'll leave her be and let her do her own thing, no policing and all that. She's talking to new people and friends and I hope they can help her :) Loved the Archer Gif as well, made me smile ^^ thanks again.

Glad it helped. There are too many people in the world willing to care for you. Don't spend time chasing those who don’t.

Thanks for writing to let me know you feel better. You swallowed some bitter pills, but came away a stronger person and, I’m sure time will show, managed to walkaway with a few good memories as well despite the ending. 

thread

[polystumbles]

Power, Poly, and my Wuzzle

One other thing that bothered me about that spiteful anon was the simplistic understanding of power. 

Read some fucking Gramsci then talk to me about real power. Structural power.

But when it comes to interpersonal power and sex, I once read somewhere something along the lines of: Sex isn’t about penetration. Sex is about power. Sex is always about power.

Dissect it in every form and it’s true -- from these:

Marketing sex: power derived bysomething you can’t have Virginity: power derived by invented notions of “purity” Monogamy: power derived by exclusivity

to these:

Masturbation: the power to please oneself Submission: the power to give of oneself Dominance: the power to be responsible for another

(not that anything in either list is “bad”)

I wonder how many other confuse my sense of responsibility for others (in bed and in life) for the need to control? On a scale of 1-10, I’m only like a 4 in the dominance category. BDSM folk they know how to hack pleasure by playing in that role scale (among others). 

Wife is a switch. She is a cuckqueen, a voyeur. She would rather watch me have sex with a stranger than fuck me herself-- just to see me work, just to observe me in my natural element and to get off to it not once but many times thereafter.  

She is also a woman whose response to living in patriarchy has meant she denies herself much of what she likes out of fear that it diminishes her in the face of patriarchy. The way a black man can feel guilty about sitting in a park and eating a watermelon on a hot summer day (me).

I do challenge my partners to be better. They challenge me to be better. I recently pushed back on Z getting upset at my changing our plans. I let her process her feelings. Let her feel them. Then later emailed her about it. (giving her space and time to reply in her own way). She responded by working on finding better coping mechanisms. I reassured her that I held her time sacred within reason. Wife has also asked me to do specific things as we heal. I am making those adjustments. If you read my diaries and don’t see the negotiation, give and take, and equal participation of my partners you can’t read are getting stuck in the power dynamics of how I process and see my sex life, instead of the power dynamics and how I process my relationships. 

What’s different about my blog is that I’m willing and open about all this even when its just exploration or play. Or when I’m wrong and fucked up. I’m no hero, but I’m also no villain. My life isn’t black and white. But as RH Coates once said, “torture the data and it will confess.” Look for evidence to support your pre-conceived  conviction and I’m sure you’ll find it. But it will be you who will be exercising power to do so. 

So power? I must have it all? Hardly, that’s the business of rich, white oligarchs, and apparently of anon’s who want to work really hard to find victims in my relationships where there are none.

[polystumbles]

I'm having a really hard time handling ex partner feels. I'm monogamous rn because I just haven't met anyone new lately. I stumbled on the information that my one ex has two more partners since we broke up last summer and one of them is living the life I wish I could and also she's gorgeous and I wish I could be her but also I'm incredibly happy with my partner right now and I just wish I had an outlet for all the affection I want to give an I couldn't post this on my blog because my ex is cont

my ex is a mutual and an anon ask is the only way I could get this all out. Thanks for listening.

Two things of note here:

1) Have Confidence. It sounds like your confidence is down. From what you say it’s not clear what its due to. Yet your ex’s new partner brings up insecurities. One way to think about it is this: that awesome perfect person, whom your ex just snagged, you and her are in the same league. Think about that. You are her peer. Smart enough to see what you saw in that person, and awesome enough to hold that partner’s interest. P-e-e-r-s. Her, the gorgeous has it all together person is not dating a super hero, she’s dating your ex. That means she’s also human like you. Beneath the perfect exterior and life are real problems. Human problems. If you got to know her, you would get to know that.

2) Your envy points to a choice. You are “Happy” but envious. It’s important to name the feeling. You are envious because of something(s) she has, but you don’t. (Jealousy is more fear of losing something you have to someone else -- thanks to Z for teaching me the difference.) Like jealousy, it’s an important emotion to unpack. Let it have it’s path, i.e. feel it, but know that you are faced with a choice: pursue what she has, or accept that what you have now is better for you and that envy is just fleeting. 

I don’t know a lot about the situation, and as an Anon, I can’t ask you. But it’s implied that you are in an open relationship of some sort. It’s also implied that you are envious of someone who is also in an open relationship, but is different in some way from yours (which despite being open, you are not seeing others now.) 

If its allowed by your current relationship the answer seems simple: put more effort into getting the relationship(s) you want. Find another partner? Have at it. Date a couple? Go for it. Swinging? Okee dokee. The difficulty is in getting down to pursuing it. You may want something, just not bad enough to go get it. That’s when it’s a fantasy -- which is totally ok as an outcome, even one you might be able to play with in your relationship now. 

If what you want is not allowed, or if it’s pursuit interferes with your current relationship in a way you don’t want, then you are faced with a more difficult choice. Renegotiate or leave. Will not having “that” make you resent your current  partner? Will it make you bitter? It’s hard to walk away from something good, but it’s even worse to stay and become someone you don’t want to become. 

Honestly, it sounds like this is a passing feeling. An ex’s new partner is stirring insecurity. Tell your partner about it. Tell them it makes you want to give them more love, you don’t have to know why, but that you want to know you can turn the affection dial to 11 and not be rejected. I doubt that you’ll find that the extra affection is rejected, especially if you make it clear that this is what you need to process and pass this feeling. Your partner accepting that extra affection is probably the reassurance you need. Even if that’s not an expectation in your relationship, you should be able to ask for a “burst” of affection here. Just keep in mind that if its not a relationship expectation, anything more than a burst here and there and it’s your responsibility to find a target. 

I can empathize with your desire to give more love and a fear of that love being rejected. It’s a frequent fear of mine too. 

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My partner and I have been together for 4+ years. We have a +1 dating us both together as a threeway couple. But she throws a tantrum and gets her own way all the time. She won't compromise and I have had enough. But he adores her and let's her get away with it. I've spoken my concerns but what do you do from there?

I only have one side of the story, but the way you word it reveals some deeper frustrations. That you describe her as throwing “a tantrum” and getting “her own way all the time” seems to indicate that you don’t see her as an equal partner – it seems that you question her maturity, as if you are talking about a child. Might this be due to how your partner “adores her”? Is this lack of equity the cause or the symptom?

As an adult, does she deserve better treatment of her frustrations than this view of them as churlish and puerile. What are her real frustrations? Is she testing boundaries? Are everyone’s desires and needs aligned? (Shit! that’s such a high bar! They don’t have to match, they just have to be compatible)

I think all of this is worth reflecting on. It’s a great case of where writing forces true emotions to bubble up for processing. Here they are. 

Now as to what you do? It honestly sounds like you’ve made up your mind. Contrary to popular opinion there are plenty of people who will date couples (at least in big cities). Wife and I didn’t have much of an issue finding partners when we dated people together. You know you will stop dating her, but you want your partner to stop too. Well that’s where things get iffy. Don’t veto. Let there relationship play its course and reflect on and establish your needs. If not for your viewing her as childish, I’d say you don’t need to stop dating her, you need to develop better communication. But if you indeed see her this way, stop dating her for her sake. If she only wants to date you both, than your partner has to accept that they can’t use you as pussy bait. 

I like the way Lusty Guy (@cunningminx’s partner) frames it, “you have to be a good backseat driver”. You let your partner drive until they reach the point of irreversible harm. If they don’t correct, then you help them see it. You should let him figure it out on his own, but that doesn’t mean you have to let them harm themselves (and you) in the end. 

[polystumbles]

Compersion is a bonus, not a requirement, for openness.

polystumbles

tl;dr version of this response.