polystumbles

[polystumbles]

out of the mouths of babes

PS: {Talks with kids about gay erasure in history in regards to their favorite musical: Hamilton, where many historians believe Laurens and Hamilton were lovers and the songs hint at it. Compares it loosely to poly erasure and how we rarely hear about consensual multiple partners.}

Thing 2: My friends had so many questions when I told them about you, mommy and Z!

PS: Like what?

Thing 2: {Rattles off usual questions you hear from adults}

PS: how'd you feel answering the questions?

Thing 2: Fine, it was fun! How about you thing 1? Have your friends had any questions?

Thing 1: Yeah. We talked about it too but no one cares.

Takeaways: the kids are alright. This was the year in which thing 2 had their first crush (it was mutual). So even as they begin to explore their own paths, it's good to know that they don't feel the need to be closeted. Also they are still doing amazing in school, and impress the heck out of anyone who meets them. It's so much easier to be out because they are so impressive that no one questions our parenting. I feel very fortunate.

Note on the title: "out of the mouths of babes" is a biblical reference, usually meant to invoke that kids are imbued more purely with the will and strength of God. I use it here to juxtapose child openness to new forms, against the rigidity of social norms.

[polystumbles]

The Tumblr Rapture

Realizing that I might lose a bunch of you readers as today’s great tumblr rapture unfolds (already down under 2k followers) and who knows if the filters will ever catch up with my NSFW text, I wanted to give readers a bit of closure even if I one day come back to this blog. 

As things stand now, Amy, Z, the kids and I are taking our big poly adventure to a quaint progressive small town in 2019. We’ll be buying a beautiful big house together and are currently navigating a 3 person mortgage situation. We will of course be taking many risks in the process, but will also hopefully gain many comforts as well. A fireplace, some gardening, more time to read, explore nature and snuggle.

Maybe this is where we will grow old together, or it’s quite possible this is only a pit stop on the road to Canada, should a certain political party gain more power, but I’m going to enjoy it for now, and love this family we’ve built as deeply as my life force allows.

Suffice it to say, that poly is possible, and if this is the end, the only advice I have for poly newcomers is don’t shoehorn people into your imagined life. Be open to who they are and what they want to create, even if they can’t name it. 

If you need me and are off here try me at 

polystumbles    @    outlook.com

so long and thanks for the fish.

[polystumbles]

Filed under found polyamory. I guess throuples is a word now.

They at least broke up the three pairs of white feet from under the covers trope with socks to mask race/gender/age/sexualities. So progress?

“For throuples or three’s a crowd.”

[polystumbles]

Diary 09/10/2016: A Brilliant Strategy

At Friday’s couples therapy session, the therapist finally said what so many had suspected: Amy is on the ASD spectrum with what used to known as Asperger's syndrome -- a high functioning part of the ASD spectrum that can often seem as simple awkwardness. He didn't want to go so far as calling it a diagnosis because she is so high functioning and he didn’t perform a formal diagnosis test, but that the regardless the words could help us find a way to work with how her brain works differently. While quite mild compared to many other cases, he made it a point to describe Asperger's and the autism spectrum is nothing like most people manifest nothing like what you see in the movies.

But never the less, it was this pattern in which when she saw a problem she hopped on a metaphorical train and got on the tracks and steam rolled all the way to a solution, this pattern of not processing the intense emotions behind what people are saying, this pattern of difficulty connecting with people that made it clear. Heck it answered the biggest of my questions about the events of November Rain -- why didn’t she see I’d not be happy with her proposal? Why didn’t she hear any of my warnings? Why didn’t she even care about losing our wedding ring? Why didn’t she know when something was important enough to take off from work?

Just as god-awful old job had torn down so much of the scaffolds she had built for herself over the years, her recent promotion at work finally let her start to see that these issues weren't only with me. Now the therapist did what he said he would do: tell us about the fence that's in between, even as we were blind to its presence.

The past few weeks we've removed so many of the other sources of tension: we started  to calendar monthly, we talked openly about my sexual needs, I took over our and my Mom's finances, I backed her in her times of need at work and at home with the kids.

All that was left were the arguments that made no sense.

And it was clear in those times but mostly our disagreements came down to her hearing me but not knowing that she did not process what I was saying.

She cried upon hearing the words. He expanded that he didn't know if it was definitely something neurological processing or something that had to do with her environment growing up he says what you suspect has a lot to do with how she handles people's emotions, but it was clear that she was no not processing social cues social cues hints body language and most forms of communication at the same pace and interest as other adults expect.

We cried in the car after the session.

Also told her that she can't look at this as being a just a negative aspect of herself. It's very likely that this is exactly what gave us polyamory. The fact that she saw a problem with our mismatched sexual desires, and accepted solution that diverged completely from traditional social constructs, and said go for it. In that, this part of her had led met to now and I was grateful. 

It's also very likely that this is why we fell in love. That she's participated in LatinX culture so deeply because as long as she was speaking in a not native language, participating in a non-native culture, she wasn't going to be expected to get all the nuances, the body language, she wasn't going to be expected to know all the social cues, she could go through life in my neighborhoods with my people, and with no one knowing that the reason she wasn't getting the cues was not because language. No, instead she was welcomed for all those quirks.

It’s also very likely its saving our relationship now. If this is why these things have happened, then it’s not her fault. 

It was a brilliant, if unintentional, survival strategy

...and for our first almost 20 years it worked.

[polystumbles]

Long time no update.

Apparently about 18 months, since I last updated. I have many writings from the interim period, but no time to polish, edit and clean them. Maybe, I’ll get around to sharing a few. Briefly, here’s what’s happened:

From where we left off, Amy and I continued therapy and came to realize that Amy is on the ASD spectrum-- high functioning, and on the spectrum. It explains a lot. It was a lot more than the November rain incidents, but it all added up. That realization, and the months that it took to reach acceptance, are why we have thrived since then.

The week after my last post, I decided to go on a few dates, and ended up having Designer reach back out to me. Over the next few months, we’d see each other intermittently, and mostly as flirty friends, and eventually more.

Z ended things with Duane soon after my last post. I don’t know what happened, but I was supportive as I could. She prefers her privacy so I never asked much beyond what she offered. 

We took a big-fat-poly-vacation to South Africa last summer: Amy, Z, Me, the kids. Amy described the vacation as “the best trip she’s ever taken with me,” because of Z’s presence. Z seems to have a good time as well, even if she expressed newfound doubts that the kids were indeed angels. 

Amy has done better about asking for what she wants. She has asked Z and I to step up more with the kids, and we’ve had some great times as they’ve learned to love Z through the more constant time together. 

Living with Z (and still living with Amy) is going great. Except for that time the kids gave her head lice. 

Work has gone bonkers. Way too much of it. But I’ve been able to achieve some amazing things. 

Things 1 and 2 are doing great. Near perfect grades in school, good emotional development, and a wonderful mix of mischief and maturity as they should be. Some issues between Amy and thing 2, as exposed to Z more clearly in South Africa. But I’ve helped Amy navigate Thing 2 -- who is turning out to be a lot like me, just smarter, cuter, and more dangerous.

Oh and I nearly forgot to mention, I came out as Poly to my entire social network. For Z’s safety, I unfriended her first, but now openly share our photos, our stories, our lives together to all: neighbors, school, work, family. I made the choice that my life was something to be proud of and my relationships to be celebrated. And all those who weren’t going to be cool with it, could just disappear. No one did.  Or if they did, I sure as hell didn’t even notice.

In between it all, there’ve been stories of sweaty sex, wonderful gifts, loving getaways, and supporting each other through challenges. Life is good, always working to shape it better, but life is good.

[polystumbles]

We should all write a book. A collection of Poly POC true stories.

For more info on Kevin A. Patterson’s book, “Love’s Not Color Blind”, check out: https://www.generosity.com/community-fundraising/the-love-s-not-color-blind-book-tour

[polystumbles]

This was a beautiful read -- there was a conversation with its author in Polyamory Weekly Episode #533

[polystumbles]

For all your Poly Communication needs!

[polystumbles]

re: your safer sex guidelines. how do you deal with & combat STI-shaming and stigma? what happens if someone in your polycule has an STI, especially a lifelong one?

That’s not really the objective of our safer sex guidelines, so it’s not addressed in there. The guidelines are about minimizing risk of transmission, and empowering everyone for informed consent. As such its not a tool for fighting stigma.  

We haven’t had this STI talk. Perhaps we should. 

However, to answer your question, here’s how I would handle it. Once any emotions subside it would be a rational discussion on risks between partners, then each person would decide how best to protect themselves in light of the developments. 

What adjustments might be needed, if any, would vary according to each person’s risk aversion, the risk of the sti, and the methods/effectiveness of monitoring and prevention. Those decisions may even include not being sexual with partner whose partners pose too much a bodily risk, or even not continuing a relationship. Such is the price of bodily autonomy. 

However, when you know what STI(s) you are dealing with you can more accurately assess your risks of transmission and methods of protection. You’re probably at a bigger risk not knowing whether someone has an STI, than knowing a partner has an STI.

Ironically, some high impact STIs, like HIV, can be more effectively monitored, prevented, and controlled than some lower impact STIs, like HSV (hard to protect against, rarely monitored, difficult to transmit, low impact on life, utterly commonplace). You can’t tell a person what to do to protect themselves, but you can accept their fear, and provide trustworthy resources to help a partner make an informed decision, and try to provide reassurance that you can handle your side of protecting them. But none of this help is debate: what a new partner might read as stigma, could just as easily be a history of mistakes, a context the partner doesn’t understand.

If you feel a partner or metamour’s position is unreasonable, you might want to consider what are the barriers to change for them, and act accordingly.

For more guidance, check out the PolyWeekly podcast and the episodes under the STI tag.

[polystumbles]

Diary 9/5/2016: A Cacique Family line.

Saturday I was out to my uncle's BBQ out of state. Wish I could have brought Z along, and show my family,  my whole family. There are downsides to still being in the closet as Poly, this was one of them. But with my mom here and I really need to focus on taking care of her. And until that morning we didn't know whether or not she would come and the end my mom decided not to come. No matter, I had a great time with the family and Amy did as well. We told stories of childhood realized how I like my uncles and my brother and I are alike. Amy and I ran the table at dominoes. My aunt who is battling breast cancer was there and it hurt not to be able to hug her but we had to be careful with her compromised immune system.

She still made an effort with the kids not necessarily hugging them but playing closer to them that you did to any of the adults. We met her new husband whom she married just this summer, I joke that she probably was pregnant and that's why she eloped and canceled her big wedding in October, but it turned out to actually be her diagnosis of breast cancer. That my mom did not show up even after learning about the diagnosis what is a bit of a shock. But I think she knew that the whole family was going to mention and talk about her issues.

We spent some time with my cousin who I really never really got to know, and realized many similarities there as well. After seeing my uncle's, me, my brother and the next generation I was reminded a of the theory of the existence of a warrior gene. My leadership in work and activism has always been recognized. My Brother was an expert marksman. A marine sharpshooter. And standout 3 sport athlete in HS (Football, Baseball, Track). But also our remarkable health. Despite being over 50 years old uncle has apprehended several United States most wanted look up on the plaques on the wall, and it looks one of his sons is about to join the Secret Service. Holy shit these things are related, we are related. Then there are the other items are pretty crazy. Health --we're a really healthy bunch despite a lot of other folks to the family who struggle with diabetes. We eat well we work out and when we get angry we get angry. We are capable of power, intellect, destruction, and protection we are in the traditional Dominican sense the Caciques.

Then there are the women in the family.  My aunt who's battling breast cancer and her ability to rise as well a senior software developer for an ad tech company --she went from the South Bronx to engineering some of the initial software stacks for Bluetooth. My mom despite her current issues, has lived an incredible life as well. And then there's the matter of my kids. Thing One who for some reason this week has started quite in-depth research of military battles. Civil War history World War 2 history in particular. He's just eight years old and his interests right now lies in the Battle of Gettysburg. Testosterone has not kicked in, he’s still pre-pubescent but when he does go through it, he will probably be the strongest of us all. And if such a gene were to carry in Thing 2, the world better watch out.

I’ve talked about how my dad and how he made me. Perhaps I need to explore more how my Mom’s family has made me as well.

[polystumbles]

“The intentional, almost cerebral aspect of some poly relationships may seem odd to outsiders, but Brown says one advantage of talking about relationships this way is “it takes polyamory out of a sexual framework, which is really hard for people. There’s a sexual assumption to everything that you do that really goes back to the body-shaming we’ve experienced as LGBT people, that we become sexual objects in the conversation. I try my best to not become sexualized in that way because this is really — it’s about love, it’s about relationship. I really love them. I really love the different things that I get out of the different relationships.” “

[polystumbles]

It's written couple centric, but it's really basic relationship ethics. Your partner's stability and happiness, is the basis of your own. Whether that's a pet or 6 kids and a wife.

New comic! (link)

I don’t go anywhere I’m not invited. I’m like a relationship vampire!

[polystumbles]

Our guidelines for safer sex and informed consent

After reading my last diary entry, you might be wondering: what exactly are our safer sex guidelines? Everyone has their own needs for bodily safety. Z and I drafted these guidelines, reviewed and got Amy’s feedback and questions. We adopted them as our Vee’s guidelines. Your’s may differ. Our needs sure differed, but we chose levels that we could all be comfortable with, wrote it in a google doc and shared it amongst ourselves should we ever need to review. But for those looking for sample’s here’s what we came up with.

Guidelines for safer sex and informed consent

26 November 2015 (ed: 14 January 2015) 

Before getting involved with someone sexually, discuss safer sex expectations and practices and STI status/history.

Avoid intimacy with people whose integrity is dubious or whose practices are risky.

Use barriers for oral, vaginal, and anal sex. Avoid fluid-fluid contact except oral-oral (see #4).

Check for cuts/sores before hand-fluid contact or kissing. If anything is found, use gloves for the former and avoid the latter. If in doubt, or in the event of increased risks use gloves.

Notify existing partners before the next time you are intimate with them (i) if you become sexually active with someone new, and any known risks, (ii) if you deviate from the guidelines, or intend to (iii) if any new risks come to light.

We get screened for STIs a minimum of twice a year. Ask a prospective partner to get a full panel if they haven’t within the last 6 months or if  they’ve been with someone new since then. Testing frequency should in the event of increased risk, such as multiple new partners, deviation from the guidelines, or at the request of partner.

[polystumbles]

Diary 9/2/2016: CTRL-Z

Everyone makes mistakes. It's at the core of how I approach many things in life: you have to recognize the difference between mistakes and malice. Sometimes the mistakes can't be explained, but we try -- to explain, the explain away, to understand. I made some early mistakes. Some bigger than others. I went on my first date without telling Amy. It had been discussed, the limits set, but the date itself, hidden away. I opened an OkCupid account without discussing it with her to get that date. Other missteps along the way came and, most crucially, went. 

When Amy breached our Wuzzle’s trust in being reckless, I hoped, then I knew, that it was a mistake that came and would go. When she asked for a relationship that I was not comfortable with, that such a request would go was not clear that it was a mistake and that it would pass. Mistake is a hard word. It's a stretch to use in many cases, an ex post facto attribution of an action as outside our moral or rational frameworks. But inside the moment of choice, action or inaction, there is its own morality, priority, need, and rationale. This week, Z made one such questionable judgement.  A mistake? A necessity? As with Amy, maybe both.

Tuesday after Amy, me and the kids got back, I met Z for lunch at her job. We ate in a nearby park and walked for a bit before we parted. Interestingly, I was a little surprised that Z didn't mention hanging out with Duane this past weekend. I would have thought this would have been the perfect time for them to spend some extended time together. I thought it was strange, but Z hadn't told me anything, but Tuesday’s lunch had veered into stories of how much my life had been affected by racism, and what Z did share about her weekend made it sound disappointing, and as if she had spent it unhappy.  Had Duane canceled?

For those of you that don't know, Z had let me know in August of her intent to have sex with Duane. We've been together 3.5 years and no one in the past 3 years has had held her interest long enough to make it this far. A lot has changed since then. We've fallen in love, she's become an anchor partner, and our lives have become entwined in beautiful ways. Then since about 2015, our pod, our wuzzle, our Vee, has been slowly branching out.

 I've been supportive but (reasonably?) nervous about Z and Duane. Given what happened with Amy, given my sex drive, my nerves had as much basis as most mistakes. I knew this threshold, particularly their having sex, matters to me more than it “should”. I want to know that she’ll still want me as their relationship grows -- especially if it draws down her desire on weekends when we put in a lot of our, um, work. Will this affect our balance? It certainly didn’t help that I had been emotionally dealing with my mom so much upon my return. Or some of the conversations I had had with Amy in Chicago. It certainly isn’t about Duane. An intelligent, patient, kind, Haitian, New York City native, who can hold her interest, plan dates, and put a smile on her face is a great partner in my book, not that I need to approve partners! I certainly could not have made it all summer without our making love! The guy was a saint in my book. 

In part, I know I'm emotionally re-adjusting to the open parts of us: we always have been open but it's looked much like “monogamy+1” (my term for closed 3 person relationships) and that thinking is hard to shake at times. While, I’ve had sex with others since we started dating, (I was still dating Bee for our first year, and Amy and I tried to date Triscuit, and ended up with a one night stand.) It's been a few years, so I haven't had a new partner in a similar time period as Z.  Their dating is not without benefit to me, I appreciated the thought that Duane would keep her happy all weekend I was away. I was able to  give Thing 2 an incredible birthday present -- full of family and art and adventure. And there were times this summer where Duane managed to put a smile on her face on days where I couldn’t. I was, in a word: appreciative. Then come our conversations Tuesday and Wednesday, I was just confused. But it wasn't really my business. Given Z's general desire for privacy I did not push questions about their relationship. This was a fundamental difference from my relationship with Amy: Z’s dating would be built on trust, not transparency.

 But there were things I needed to know, at least according to our Safer Sex Guidelines, at least before we were intimate again which came that Thursday morning.Then on Friday, I found out I was wrong about my assessment that Z and Duane had not had sex this past weekend. I found out during an awkward and incidental conversation. There it was. Z of seemingly impeccable judgment, had made what I considered her first real mistake of our relationship, a mistake perhaps born out of of her desire for privacy.

 Z and I are sitting talking about how she's been contemplating getting off birth control. I'm wondering how it might affect her moods would it help, would it hurt? Is it why she is tired more often? She's been on some form of hormonal birth control since she's been sexually active or she's had the non-hormonal IUD which caused its own set of problems with her body rejecting it (a rare complication more common on women who haven't had a child). I was willing to get a vasectomy if it would make her feel better about her having sex. We talked for a bit about whether or not she'd want to have kids and she said that the idea didn't repulse her the way it did year or two ago. But that if she would have kids she would most likely want to adopt. But she didn't know that she could pass adoption if she continued being polyamorous. I reassured her that I don't think that it would be an issue in New York state -- if you're willing to adopt a child who is not an infant or willing to adopt a child of color, I think NYC would not ask many questions about us. Though perhaps I was optimistic, as I was not working off of any data.

 A vasectomy would clearly cover me, but not her other partners. I joked that as long as Duane wasn't a multi-round freak like me, she'd be fine. But Duane it turns out, was bad at his condom usage, going through a few putting them on backward. Wait. What? If they put on a condom, did they have sex? She dances around it for what seems like forever, but comes around to just say yes. It was an awkward time to have this conversation, moments before we were naked and she had my hard cock in her hand. Now I was flaccid and the cuteness of the conversation had left the room like a quick deflating balloon.  

 She said she didn't know why she omitted it Tuesday. I told her she had no reason to: her kiss when we met, her comment that it felt longer than three days I had been away, (she missed me) those were the kinds of reassurances I needed. She had given me them, and I had notices. They felt so special, because they were. She didn't need to tell me then, at first meeting, she knew we weren't going to be intimate Tuesday, she needed to tell me by Wednesday night. Before the possibility of our love making presented itself. By Thursday morning we were intimate, going two rounds that morning.

 She wondered aloud, if she hadn’t emailed me. She fumbled a bit that telling me about his test results, was her disclosure. The two lay incongruous, of course. Had she really felt the latter, she wouldn’t have thought about doing the former.  No, my lovely lady was merely caught off guard. Perhaps questioning to herself the very definition of sex (ironically, as she had so dismissed about Amy previously). I did question as whether the expectation was fair -- should we instead just let each other know of the decision to fuck another? Is that more reasonable for informed consent? Would it not be better to assume so, and take any needed precautions therein? I still felt it’s not the same. The opportunity to ask and see someone’s response to questions about the safety practices mattered. Beyond the safety reassurances, there were also the emotional reassurances that came with adding a new partner to any mix. These needs were real, and I felt they were very valid.

Would it have changed anything I did that evening? Not really. Perhaps some more talking, perhaps some more support in case either of us needed it as well. We had already had a dry run on the conversation. But emotionally, it was a threshold being crossed, and like any fear, it dissipates once you cross it and find that the world is still ok. Fact is, I didn’t need her to tell me they were going to be intimate. I knew she had decided as much, perhaps before she did. I hadn’t been a good read on other people she’s dated, but the signs were still there: weaning herself off the little cute reminders of my scent. The off cycle STI screening. Eventually, the more obvious sharing of Duane’s STI status. Those were the obvious signs, but there was also that fact that she had done everything right about being supportive and communicative, until now.

Not disclosing bothered me, but the dance afterward was worse. It was a deviation from the expectations that she didn’t see or at least showed herself willing to walk back, dance around rather than admit.  Did she really not see an issue? Was it a communication mistake? It seemed unlikely. She had been so hard on Amy for putting us all at risk, for not calling recieviing cunnilingis and giving a hand job sex, for not keeping track of where and when her semen exposure had been, for not sharing immediately that there was a concern until I asked afterward. I wondered if she would look back and find more forgiveness for Amy. Yes, Amy exposed us to some risk, and Z is very risk averse. But statistically speaking, Amy’s breaches were always unlikely to introduce physical harm to us --if not because of the kinds of sex then precisely because I knew what happened before we reconnected sexually and immediately decided to use condoms until Amy passed tests. It was this kind disclosure that had kept Z and I safe. No, Amy’s biggest breach of trust was emotional.  Even if Z’s breach was much more minor in that it didn’t put anyone’s physical safety at risk, Z still had a tinge of Amy’s “did it count” and her own emotional need for privacy competing with a stated expectation for safety: physical and emotional. 

Yet, deep down, it didn’t bother me. I could see her perspective. I could see her struggle with it. I could see the incongruity and impossibility as clearly as the rationality and the action. I could do that grown up mental act of holding multiple conflicting thoughts at a time, and seeing a mistake. This was still the reality of executing poly -- no one does it perfect, no one ever will. I knew that. I knew it about me. I knew it about Amy. And, tonight more than before, I knew it about Z.

What I really wanted was for Z to have forgiveness for Amy. When people are worth the effort, you turn the page. Only then do you find out if there is more their story. Amy’s mistake had been a chapter, November Rain I called it. Tonight, I wanted only to have found it’s close. 

By midnight we were somewhat past this entire conversation, some 2.5 hours later. By about 12:30 we're making love. Deliberate, connected, deep, wet, it's eventually the kind of baseline amazing sex we typically have, tinged with the emotions of the past 3 hours. Starting with a lot of teasing, because she asks for it. I'm tempted to keep pushing her edge through the fingering, and rubbing of her labia, and changes in pressures and waves of my fingers, but soon she's too sensitive, and she asks me to actually fuck her. Eventually I do. I don't know if she cums, I know she gets close several times. I don't even know if she could, given everything that emotionally has transpired. Eventually, I do, and fall asleep within moments. But only after rubbing my cum into her skin, then wiping away our cum and sweat mixture, before curling up by her side.

This was my other explicit need: to reconnect. To know that we could still be amazing no matter what she has shared with another.

I sleep barely 3 hours before I awake, face soaking in all of our scent, still rich in the post-coital bouquet. I'm rock hard and find my way to nuzzle by her side. In minutes we're spooning into sex again. Then sleep for another couple of hours before I'm again aroused, eat her pussy, then her ass, then flip her around and fuck her -- her face down in the pillow, and my cock gliding around and into her pussy. She's a bit less turned on this round. I can't blame her. But I'm still mad with desire at our smells, licking my lips at her tastes, burying my face in her neck nipping at the pulse of her neck. I pull out and in the now daylight I can see my cock, pressed between her ass cheeks, taking the last sensations on my shaft’s inches, and sending a full load up and across her back. Arching and splashing with the remains of the forward energy. A ribbon in the sky as Stevie Wonder would say (yup, thats my theory about that song). I could jam that cock back inside her again, it’s still that hard, but I know she's spent and I doubt I would finish before lunch. So instead I nose dive into another spoon and hold her tight.

It feels a bit awkward in the morning when we finally wake up and get out of bed. Last night was hard. My desire had robbed her of much sleep. And I'm not staying for breakfast today. I ask if she’s ok for breakfast. I quickly fix the squeak in the front door, kiss her, let her know I could devour her like that all day and night, that I love her, and to say hi to Duane for me.

[polystumbles]

There real photo can be seen here for those who are interested:

https://twitter.com/comunicadorCiud/status/873898073130512385

[polystumbles]

Except the plot of the original is problematic. Could they have picked a historical figure worse fit for a killer spirit mummy than Imhotep?

First, he’s the real father of modern medince. He was science driven and was the first to understand the role of blood in the body. He characterized and diagnosed hundreds of diseases. Often coming up with treatments that worked, since he demystified medicine (literally, anong the first to remove magic from his medical practice.) He also researched, extracted and spread knowledge of medicinal plants.

Second he was an architect, designing the first building to use columns as supports. (Remember he is living some 2600 years BCE). He also designed some pyramids.

Third, arguably, he was the inspiration for the story of Jesus. He was the original Prince of Peace, thay was his nickname. His healing people might have been the inspiration for the stories of Jesus healings. After his death, Imhotep is deified not only by Egyptians but also by Greeks.

So you have a peaceful, scientific figure of antiquity, and you make him into this magical demon? Imhotep should be a celebrated historical figure, not a scary one with his history erased.

what's so great about the mummy 1999?

are you ready for this? 

it is the most wonderfully made, historically inaccurate, giddily fun, perfectly paced, goofy horror movie romance novel bullshit bonanza that has ever blessed the silver screen.

i mean it is just so beautifully full of every genre without being overwhelming.we’ve got: comedy, action, suspense, horror, romance, adventure, ancient aesthetics, and it’s a period piece. all perfectly balanced and blended into one movie.

and the characters are so LIT

we got our main babe, evelyn “motherfucking” carnahan, a super-klutz librarian, total history nerd, and certified badass/damsel in distress. she raises the dead on accident, because she cannot resist books, and has the guts to put that motherfucker back where he came from and literally saves the world.evie’s greatest hits: 

“what is a place like me, doing in a girl like this?!”

*after totally destroying the library* “i’ve just made a bit of a mess in the library.”

“no harm ever came from reading a book.”

evelyn: *upon opening the tomb* “i’ve dreamt about this since i was a little girl.”rick: “you dream about dead guys?”

“oops.”

then we’ve got rick “brendan fraser” o’connell, your not-so-typical battle hardened gun slinger with a heart of gold. he seems filthy, rude, and a complete scoundrel at first, but then he turns into a literal puppy, with massive heart eyes, that worships the ground evie walks on.rick’s greatest hits:

*screams at mummy*

*screams at sand*

*screams at things that are illogical to scream at*

*screams*

next is our Comedic Relief Character™, jonathan carnahan, who also rises above his trope. he’s there for the laugh sure, but is never useless. he actively helps to move the plot along and isn’t just there. he also is the farthest thing from brainless and annoying.jonathan’s greatest hits:

evelyn: “have you no respect for the dead?”jonathan: “of course i do, but sometimes i’d rather like to join them.” same.

oh and that time he was like “IMHOTEP” and saved his own ass like that was so smooth, y’all know what i’m talking about right??

then there is ardeth BAE. he is the audience rolling his eyes because *sighs* white people. he’s tired of these motherfucking mummies in this motherfucking desert. literally prettier than everyone.(he has a much bigger role in the mummy returns, but is still so fab here)

and of course THE MUMMY. imhotep. actual emo. literally carved some poetry into the back of his sarcophagus when he was buried alive with flesh eating bugs, because he is that Extra™. just wants to bring his girlfriend back to life so he can make out with her without it being treason. 

and all the side characters are also gr8.

now i wanna take a moment to talk about the romance. because it is so BEAUTIFUL. like usually in action movies it’s macho man undermines girl and they bone. not here. no time for that shit. 

rick and evie have such a great relationship based on mutual respect and affection. they both cater to each other’s strengths and cover each other’s weaknesses. they are the literally definition of: “those two. in a fight, they’re lethal. around each other, they melt”

what else, i could literally talk about this movie all day.

the special effects have held up pretty well.the music score is GORGEOUS.the costumes are amazing.the makeup, especially for anck su namun, OH WOW.the george of the jungle era brendan fraser sign me the fuck up.rachel weisz.

so many good things.

it’s just great.

#i secretly rate every action movie from 0 to the mummy

it’s a beautiful mess of a movie that can be enjoyed by people of all ages and transcends time and posterity as the alpha mummy movie, and to those who disagree i beseech you: