#as someone who struggled with dysmorphia and gender dysphoria

[multiversegideons]

I need to stop speaking negatively about my body

[shippofuri]

Thoughts on Lycion's identity, species, gender. (CW: mentions of internalized transphobia)

as someone who is trans and has species dysphoria (and whose transness is intrinsically linked to species dysphoria, the human female form being too exaggeratedly human to feel comfortable in) it feels a bit odd when people exclusively discuss Lycion's body dysmorphia as exclusively a trans allegory (which is a perfectly reasonable read! but it can be more than that...) seemingly without much awareness that people who are like him, and especially trans people who are like him in a more literal sense exist... So I figure, as one of those people, I might give some observations on Lycion, along with some anecdotes of my own experience and how it parallels it, how his characterization reflects real-world struggles- both literally and as a trans narrative, and why I appreciate characters like him so much.

What is fascinating (but also so relatable!) to me, both when viewed in a literal sense and as a trans allegory, is that Lycion does not actually have a particular affinity to another species, but rather feels a visceral discomfort with his own elven body.

We even see in his raceswap portraits, Lycion is visibly happier as anything but an elf. Unlike Laios, who wants to become a monster, Lycion doesn't want to become anything in particular, he simply wants to stop being an elf.

Most depictions of transgender characters in media are focused on the idea of wanting to become something. Feeling in your heart you were always meant to be a boy or a girl or perhaps some secret third thing. Having a specific goal. What is less often depicted is the experience of I don't want to be what i was born as, I'd rather be anything else but this. anything is better than this. And, in both my struggles with gender and with my own humanity, this has been my experience!

Of course, there are a great many creatures I look at and think "I would be much happier if i were one of them", but those feelings are broader and less pressing than the overwhelming discomfort with my own body, and the desire to be less human. I aspired to masculinity and ultimately pursued transition not out of a particular affinity with any idea of maleness, but because masculine human features, to me, appear more animalistic, less of a strange naked thing that sticks out like a sore thumb in the grand scheme of things. And so too did Lycion pursue becoming a beastman, not because he felt a particular affinity with being a wolf, but because it would make him less of an elf.

And after pursuing it, even though he still has to spend much of his time as an elf, Lycion is far more comfortable, no longer nihilistic and self-destructive. He's confident, prideful even! He has a body that doesn't feel wrong, even if he can only wear it sometimes.

And, myself having been on HRT for nearly four years now, i have to say my experience has been much the same! Even though, of course, I'm still human, my dysphoria has essentially been eliminated, I feel comfortable in my body, and I genuinely like the way I look. I admire my reflection and find joy even in the changes that i was merely indifferent to the possibility of when beginning my treatment, and it even eased some issues completely unrelated to gender...!

Finally, Laios' dismissal of Lycion's identity here feels very reminiscent of people casting doubt on a trans (most often nonbinary) individual's identity due to transitioning for what they view as "the wrong reason", even at times arguing that only people who meet their personal standard for transness should be allowed access to transition. And like with Laios, who himself wishes to become a monster, these arguments are often coming from within, from others in the trans community.

Is someone who identifies as male because they don't want to be female less justified in their desire to pursue transition than someone who doesn't want to be female because they identify as male...? Should people be denied the right to feel comfortable in their own skin because they are seeking to escape something, rather than reaching for something specific...? Of course, you know what my answer is, but I digress.

[spiderfreedom]

my suffering is profound and legitimate, yours is frivolous nonsense

Just reading a blogger I like but I had to laugh because she was talking about how beauty practices are bad for women's mental health, and she left a note saying "unlike gender affirming care! gender affirming care improves people's mental health and it's nothing at all like cosmetic practices."

TIL, when an older woman gets botox to remove her wrinkles and avoid facing the inevitability of decline and death, her problem is spiritual/structural and she needs to Do The Work to deprogram her ageism, unlike people with dysphoria, who of course have legitimate claims to cosmetic alteration.

And it is cosmetic - no part of the body that is altered by HRT or SRS or any of the feminization/masculinization surgeries is failing to function or functioning poorly. The problem is with the brain, which perceives the body parts as foreign or undesirable. We may sympathize with someone struggling with such a condition, but that does not change that the body parts being altered were already healthy and the alterations are cosmetic, and the relief being brought about is mental.

But plenty of trans people openly admit that separating body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria is a losing game. Contrapoints's video on "Beauty" (transcript) has the observation that she feels least dysphoric when she is meeting feminine beauty norms:

But I also think that trans people often talk like gender dysphoria is this intrinsic, personal experience that's always 100% valid and never has anything at all to do with the external pressure of beauty standards. But in fact, gender dysphoria is not sealed away in a vacuum away from the influence of societal ideals and norms.  [...] When I try to psychoanalyze myself, I find that my desires to look female, to look feminine, and to look beautiful are not exactly the same, but they're woven together so tightly that it's kind of difficult to untangle them. And the opposite is also true, that for me feeling mannish or dysphoric usually goes along with feeling ugly. I don't have a lot of days where I walk out the house thinking "well, I'm giving femme queen realness, but apart from that I look like absolute shit". 

Max Robinson's book "Detransition," from an FTM perspective, points out how the prospective trans man views his suffering as unique from and distinct from women's, even as the surgeries they seek are not especially different:

The stereotypical cosmetic surgery patient is seeking to become closer to being perfectly feminine - she wants to be beautiful. Transitional cosmetic surgery, on the other hand, is widely understood to mark the patient as ex-female and therefore unfemale; this is part of the meaning FTMs seek to create through surgery. FTM desire for cosmetic surgery is positioned as something totally different than the stereotype of a woman who 'merely' seeks beauty at her frivolous leisure. FTMs are deemed to have a rare affliction that needs urgent, life-saving treatment. Conversely, there is nothing more common than for a woman to become obsessed with her socially-deemed 'unsatisfactory' looks and desperately seek to change them, believing that such a change is the only thing that can restore her quality of life. This comparison will feel like an insult to the FTM. It will feel that way because we believe other women's suffering doesn't matter, and recognize how much ours does. Women's suffering is ordinary but ours is extraordinary. For us to matter, we must be differentiated from the silly little woman who wants to be pretty so badly she'll pay thousands of dollars (now billable to credit cards and loan programs designed to pay for elective surgeries!) to risk her life and health. These women don't need to be fixed; we do. FTMs know that we don't deserve a woman's fate but have not yet realized that no woman does.

I have more to write on the topic of the relationship between gender identity and beauty culture, but I'll end this one here. It makes sense that somebody who is identified with the opposite sex would also be affected by the standards of beauty expected of that sex. (Non-binary identification is more complicated and requires separate treatment.)

[donnieisaprettyboy]

Sorry if this is an inappropriate question but I'm having some self doubts. How did you know for sure that you were trans? I think I might be but I'm very confused if I'm feeling dysmorphia or dysphoria. Feel free to ignore if this is too personal

There’s nothing wrong with asking questions like this! :) gender is super confusing and sometimes it’s nice to have insight from other people

For the longest time I connected the discomfort with my body with trauma I experienced when I was younger. However, even as I worked through therapy and grew to a point that I am not as affected by my trauma, my discomfort remained.

Everytime I thought about people looking at me and seeing a boy, or even just looking at me and having no clue what my gender is, it made me feel kind of excited? I get heart flutter moments when I think about it.

I feel like I should add that most of my dysphoria is social. There are different kinds of dysphoria, and seeing this image is what made me realize that even though I didn’t struggle with my body too much, I had a strong desire to be seen as non-woman by society (not even necessarily as a man, just as something apart from “woman” if that makes sense).

(I cannot find the original artist for this so if anybody knows who it is please lmk)

When my friends started using he/they pronouns for me it felt really good. Even if I dress more feminine, I’m not binding, or if I’m actively trying to look more feminine, my friends still use he/they pronouns and it feels good!

My university has one of the best LGBTQ+ centers in the country, so I had a really good resource to reach out to and talk to people about. Which, for anybody reading this, you don’t have to be a university student to reach out to queer centers at universities! If you need resources, email them! :)

After quite a long time of experimenting with names, pronouns, styles, lots of research, etc. I came to the conclusion of “I’m just going to do me, whatever that is.” I use any pronouns, I dress however, I present differently depending on how I feel day to day :) people may call it genderfluid (which is fine!) but I’m personally sticking to more vague labels for my own comfort :) transmasc and genderqueer are what I use because it doesn’t feel confining!

I know a lot of this is kinda anecdotal, but I think the gist is there wasn’t one thing I noticed about myself that “confirmed” I’m trans. Also, you define what that means for you! There’s people who use they/them pronouns or different pronouns from those associated with their sex and don’t consider themselves trans! And there’s people who use pronouns that are associated with their sex and consider themselves trans! Technically because I use any pronouns, people can use she/her and that’s fine, but I’m still trans. I want top surgery, and I plan on cutting my hair into a more masculine cut, but I’m unsure about HRT. And after all that, I’m still trans!

I think this got kind of ramble-y but I really hope this all makes sense and helps to some capacity. And I encourage you to explore this and experiment! And if you decide “hey I’m actually not trans” that’s okay! Don’t be afraid to experiment and try things out :)

The trans experience is beautifully unique person to person, and your transness can look very different from someone else’s! :)

[bluegumballmf]

OK SO RANT WARNING I LOVE ADAMAI

ngl i think about adamai so much like literally almost half of the time im thinking abt him so um i just wanna talk about my personal headcanons for him bc i rlly rlly like him he’s genuinely such an easy character to relate to for me because i relate to his trauma. Anyways, forgive me if you catch any spelling or grammar errors, i’m writing this with like 4 hours of sleep and dyslexia.

um so my main mental health hcs are that he has BPD, ADD (lololol fits with the name) and minor psychosis. For ADD, it’s moreseo that from what i’ve seen, adamai struggles in social cues and has a more quiet approach to his struggles, and that he acts similarly to me, and I am autistic. For psychosis, it’s sort of a baseless headcanon, I just feel like Adamai would get auditory/ tactile hallucinations.

It’s a little hard to explain why i think he has BPD cause it’s moreso things I can relate to, such as how he latches onto people rlly quick ; ie a BPD person’s “favorite person,” who is a support system and a sort of pillar/ anchor and typically end up being someone the person w/ BPD sometimes ends up changing themself for. I personally think that adamai’s had multiple favorite people, such as; grougal, qilby, phaeris, echo and oropo, and obviously, yugo. Its kinda hard for me to like. Phrase WHY i think these people are his fps, but i think it’s mostly how he values them and prioritizes them when it comes to his actions and thoughts and feelings, i mean, just take oropo for example. Adamai changed his entire body for oropo, taking the dofus in when he was still rlly young for eliatrope/dragon standards, even assuming a body he didn’t want to survive, which even then, he only did for approval and support from his FP. This actually leads me into my next headcanon,

I headcanon adamai as transfem. Specifically a trans woman. For a few reasons, which I’ve gone over in a twitter thread (same username as on here, you should go check it out, I’m WAY more active there haha) but i’ll put it here.

1. adamai doesnt feel comfortable in his body and it’s elaborated on in the show. When he’s talking to eliatrope about his body, eliatrope states that he’s “always been unique” and iirc you can see adamai’s face drop because its not exactly something he’s proud of.

2: going off the last point, he’s shown to say that the body he now has in wakfu s3-4 is one he had to adapt to survive and not the one he chose, which is parallel to some trans people never transitioning because they dont feel safe enough to do so. this is kind of a stretch but bear with me, it’s more subconcious connections than anything else.

3. (More of a joke point) BUT HE LITERALLY HAS THE SAME WAIST SIZE AS JESSICA RABBIT. WHAT. YES I’VE ACTUALLY COMPARED I AM NOT JOKING. Like here are the images (see below) for comparison. In all seriousness, while i feel like adamai’s design IS iconic and it does serve the purpose it meant to acheive, it doesn’t feel like him. Which again, is what it meant to acheive!! I’ll touch on this more in a second, but not.

4: adamai has multiple issues regarding self perception, which in a way are all similar to dysphoria. He seems to have rejection dysphoria, body dysphoria, and maybe gender dysphoria. In my view, he seems to have all three subtypes of gender dysphoria (body, mind, and social) this actually ties in to the first point, because i feel like he’d develop a sort of body dysmorphia from shifting into a body he didn’t want, rather then a body that would be more comfortable for him; the human or the dragon. Which i’m choosing to see as a representation of the two genders; with him shifting in between being a sort of safe spot, like how many trans people identify as nonbinary or bigender before transition. (Not to say that these people are any less trans then any others, i’m just going off my own perception as a trans genderfluid person!!!)

5: he’s always being forced into roles; from being raised for yugo, to being yugo’s mentor, to being grougal’s nanny, to being possessed, etc. Ad never has chances to choose any roles by himself, and it’s similar to transphobic parents stopping their trans kid from expressing themselves imo. Again, could be a stretch, but this is how i interpreted it. It’s actually kind of similar to my parents, so maybe that’s why. Though, this COULD also just be gifted kid burnout or autistic burnout OR strict parent parallels, which i also can see correspond with adamai.

6: His mental image and self worth.

Adamai’s character is heavily influenced by a lack of self worth. He measures it with other people’s perceptions of him such as oropo’s or grougal’s, and when his body is perceived negatively by himself/others, he also starts hating it and himself, which ties into the headcanon i had about him having body dysmorphia AND into the BPD favorite people!!!

7: ( sounds like a joke point but bear w me) estrogen could have saved him

And honestly, no, Im not joking. Imo, if Adamai was allowed access to an actual process to be able to feel comfortable in his own skin, it might help his mental illnesses a lot in the long run. I equate that to him getting estrogen + finally looking like himself. It could help him with the body dysmorphia and self esteem by helping him get to a place where he’s comfortable to be himself and maybe even shapeshift again. (I actually wrote a fic about this on Ao3, https://archiveofourown.org/works/55070686, if you want to read it!!)

But um yeah, thats my reasoning for the trans headcanons, onto the less mental health involved ones, more miscellaneous. (But if you’re wondering why i’m using ‘male’ pronouns on Adamai, it’s because i feel like he would still like the he/him pronouns, but would simply use she/her more post transition.)

So, i have a few, mainly for adamai during winter vs summer.

In winter,

Silverish hair to blend with the snow

hair puffs up slightly to provide more insulation

lighter pigmentation everywhere,

much sleepier, tends to nap in the snow often

And then in the summer,

Blonde hair

more pigmentation

hair is less puffy, just curly (similar to chibi’s hair!!!)

less sleepier and more energetic.

Those are the basic ones for the seasons, but i also headcanon adamai to be an ice dragon, which means his tempurature is MUCH lower then the rest of the council’s save for maybe efrim. He needs to be in the sun much more, which could be part of the reason why grougal chose oma island to raise adamai. Another headcanon is that adamai and yugo both have heterochromia!! Yugo has central heterochromia, and Adamai has sectoral heterochromia; his eyes being blue and brown. I also headcanon that he has face markings similar to his mother, but they disappear in his dragon form because he’s closer to his father then.

Um yeah, that’s kind of it for right now, i might add onto these if more come up, but i hope you enjoyed reading!! I rwally love adamai, especially in s3 and up, he’s one of the most well written traumatized character’s i’ve seen, and i ADORE the nuance behind him.

[apollovers3]

Just studies of me. Video-d myself dancing in my comfort clothes, stole screenshots of my favorite poses, then drew those.

I tend to struggle a lot with gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia. And as a cherry on top i have aphantasia! So truly, genuinely, not one perception of myself is EVER correct unless I did studies as if i was a different person? Does that make sense?

I cant know what I look like until i treat drawing myself with the same analysis i do with everyone else.

Does that make more sense?

So yes, studies of my actual being. As accurate as i can make them.

And i…..feel pretty good with how im looking. Maybe ill do more of these but with different clothes i tend to wear everyday.

(Haunted by that one old lady at work who insisted I was 14. I am not. I am barely an adult. No where near 14. In fact everytime someone asks my age, my first instinct is to say 25. I am NOT 25. Never have i been ever either. So i dunno what thats abt)

[weirdestcountryhumans]

The United States and Gender

So United States has a weird relationship with his gender and how he expresses it. He is a cisgender man, but he is also part of a system that consists of both women and nonbinary people, meaning he has been subjected to a lot of gender expression experimentation in times when it was perhaps not as widely allowed as is it is today.

So I'm just going to go over some time periods and how United States both expressed his gender and experienced the gender expression of others.

During the colonial period, United States was very strict in his gender expression. Britain expected his colonies to be "normal" and therefore conform to the gender standards of the time. During these 200-odd years, United States' gender expression was sort of picked for him by Britain. Britain told him how to dress and behave, and United States obeyed. Since he was also in denial of the other members of the system, and Britain was their abuser, that was the status quo they adhered too. It was comfortable because United States never had to think about it too much.

When his revolution began and United States began coming to terms with being part of a system, that began to change things. Not for United States, who was content with sticking to the status quo, but for the alters, many of which wanted to be able to express themselves more.

While it was a very strict "we only do this at home alone/with the states," many of the alters, particularly the female ones, were excited about this, as most had to live with gender dysphoria. United States was initially under the assumption that he would hate it, that it would be "unmanly" and he would struggle with they did this, but aside from discomfort caused by his body dysmorphia, United States didn't really care.

United States has just been pretty comfortable with the idea that he is a man and will always be a man, so even being co-fronting or present near the front when a female alter is in charge has never bothered him. He knows he is a man, and the body being dressed feminine does not change that for him. To him, he is just a man in traditionally non-masculine clothing.

This is why United States is not bothered by people using "she/her" or "they/them" pronouns to refer to him. He's still a man, and his masculinity is not defined by his pronouns. He's also used to it, since he has been referred to by those pronouns before while co-fronting or just being mistaken for another alter. It's something that his experiences as a system kinda normalized for him before it was "normal."

This is also what led to United States being more chill about his states being non-traditional in dress and whatnot during the 1800 and 1900s, because to him, that kind of experimentation was important (as he had seen with female alters). This is not to say he would have been accepting or trans people or nonbinary people at this time, he's just lax about someone wearing men's clothing because they need to.

In a household with a single father and where female states will want to go to war, the rules are more lax because of their status in the world. However, as said before, because this was normalized to him, even to countries outside of the United States, he still held that mindset.

This is specific to gender expression and not gender roles (although he was also a bit lax on that in regards to the necessities of being a female personification). United States still very much thought that gender roles were natural and a thing that needed to exist.

He's comfortable with his status as a man, not a progressive leader that wanted to overthrow the gender binary. It is a strange mix of more progressive ideas with the same base mindset as a typical subscriber to the gender binary.

[pupsicle-paws]

Hi guys. I made a reddit post explaining my experience with being an alterhuman (therian)

Can someone please read into it and help me?

It all feels so surreal. It's like I'm going through figuring out I'm trans all over again, all the confusion, the want, the agony, the pain, the anger, it's all too much right now, especially since it's so much more confusing than just gender.

It's something I feel like only I have experienced and it makes me feel so alienated.

I feel so utterly alone

Edit; reddit is being weird so here's the text;

Species dysphoria?

Hi, I'm a newly awakened alterhuman or therian to be specific.

I'm just a bit worried because my experience feels so much more powerful and effective than other therians I've seen.

I know its oversaturated online, and it's so much more complex than it's portrayed, but with how it affects me, I just feel like I'm so much different than the other people in my own community, like I don't even belong.

I guess it's because being an alterhuman and feeling inhuman just affects me so much and takes such a nasty toll on my mental well being that u can't help but feel like I was cursed to have it harder than others.

I'm not too into lycanthropy, and by what I mean by that is that I'm not as knowledgeable on it than therianthropy and the like. But it sounds almost appealing to me, like it's something I can resonate with but it also doesn't sound like me at all.

My experience with my body, with dysphoria, dysmorphia, it's all been hell for me and I can't find any thing to soothe myself.

So if anyone can help, give me advice, lead me in the right direction, for someone to tell me I'm normal and not insane, please do so.

Here, I'm going to say what I feel and what's been developing over the years;;

So when I was younger, I may or may not have shown signs of some neurodivergancy of some kind. I'm not sure what I have, could be autism, could be just me being weird, who knows. But I definitely didn't grow out of some of my weird kid habits. It's always been a struggle for me to grow up in general and let go of childish things. That's probably why I still have stuffed animals in my bed at nearly 18 years old.

But I'm getting ahead of myself, anyways, I used to feel very strong urges to be like an animal as a kid. It's normal kid stuff, yeah, but it never went away. Over the years it turned into wearing blotchy fursuits and meowing at my teachers and pretending to wag my invisible tail to me having extreme delusions.

Now, it's not just a silly kid thing. It's something, a thing, a creature inside of me that's angry at my body and that nothing lines up.

I feel like im going crazy the longer I deal with this, like every year passes by and I become more and more aware of how everything's wrong and nothing is perfect or even near that. I used to be able to deal with it, it was fine years ago when I was 15 and happy with myself. I understood that I had a spiritual body inside of me that didn't match up, but I didn't realize it'd haunt me later on and I'd become insane over the fact that it's all wrong.

It all feels like gender dysphoria, which I do deal with as a trans man. But instead of just being my gender and how my organs and body parts and voice and whatever don't line up with being masculine like I want, it's everything all at once.

My eyes, my hair, my legs, my feet, my nails, my teeth, my jaw, my arms, everything. Just from head to toe, everything is misshapen beyond beleif and I don't understand why I feel this way.

I can't snarl or growl like I want, I can't move my ears at the sound of a noise far away, I can't wag or curl my tail, I can feel my wings move on my back, I can't retract my claws, I can't see in the dark.

All my human senses, all my human feelings don't overlap with my animalistic ones. Whatever being is inside of me is constantly in a state of distress, anger, anxiety, sorrow, all because I'm a human in a human body.

It's like some evil celestial being put the soul of everything inhuman into a human body and told them to pretend to like it when it's just agony to deal with.

I'm in agony and it won't go away.

This thing inside of me is hurt.

[matenrou-fan]

Oh well guess what? Diavolo is also my favourite!!!! So can I request his reaction with his FtM S/O coming out as a trans boy? I think he'd be so cute and nice to his beloved one... tysm!!

Diavolo with FtM! s/o who's coming out as a trans boy

yippee!! another dia fav!! glad to see you here <3

transreader, fluff, just wholesome stuff, mention of operations and meds;; mention of gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia

-Oh!! Diavolo actually was not that surprised, though.

-Yes, he always acts all silly and careless, but he is really attentive to you and definitely can easily notice how you were struggling before, especially in the very beginning, when no one knew and you got a female uniform for RAD.

-The way you always try to look more masculine and get upset when someone compliments you with casual 'girly' phrases like "you have a really cute face, like a porcelain princess..", or "you're such a lovely girl, s/o! ", Dia really quickly noticed that. Yet it confused him a little and only then he realizes what's wrong.

-So when you finally would be confident enough to come out as your true self, he would be already prepared, congratulating you.

-"Oh, s/o, I'm so happy..!" - his loud laugh rings in your ears as Diavolo embraces you in his tight bear hug. - "You're so strong to finally confess your feelings to this world, and I'm willing to support this strength inside you..!"

-As a future King, he has enough money to provide the best treatment to you. All needed meds such male hormones or something would be only high-quality, all your chest binders would be only made from good, elastic fabric, comfortable enough to walk like that for the whole day.. Name it, and your dear lover will find needed things in the best expensive option.

-Also, his title helps him find the most professional doctors not only in Devildom but in all three worlds for any operations you would need. I think the demon's medicine is no worse than ours, actually. (..or maybe they can just use some kind or curse to make your boobies fall off.. )

-Anyways, don't be shy! Dia just absolutely loves to spoil you, and also values you enough to give such pricey things.

"Mm.. I'm still not that good in this theme, dear.." - he mumbled, a little ashamed as you two were sitting together in his Castle during another tea date. - "Maybe there's something you also need? Please always tell me..!"

-Of course he would order to change all your documents for RAD to your new gender and name, right on the same day as you come out.

-And if there are any jerks who try to misgender you or even poke fun at you, Diavolo doesn't mind to take advantage of his title and status to get them kicked out of school.

-He always was kinda overprotective and possessive yet not your dear lover is even more clingy, feeling that you need more support right now from him. And he's ready to cheer you up with anything he can, from buying all needed stuff to just cuddling and kissing with you late at night in his bed.

-Even if he's not understanding many things yet, Dia would totally let you cry on his shoulder when you feel gender dysphoria or body dysmorphia, telling all kinds of praises when comes to his mind to soothe you down.

-"S/o, listen.. You're a boy to me. A man, even.. A man of my heart." - he whispers in your ear, stroking your trembling back. - "And I'm ready to support you until the very end, so come on, wipe away these tears.. My precious boyfriend doesn't deserve to cry over all these things..!"

[xiao-lantern]

“i could never choose to love another” and “maybe one day i can learn to love you too” is 100% leoyujin.

and both lines suit both of them :)

both of them couldn’t ever fathom falling in love with someone else. but both of them struggle with accepting that they’re loved truly, wholly, and unconditionally by the other.

they feel like their love is inadequate/not enough, mostly due to their poor mental health + past traumas. they feel like the other deserves better, but feel hurt at the thought of seeing each other leave. (more under the cut)

yujin has always struggled with feeling loved, accepted, and prioritized. she also (more recently) struggles with body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria. she believes, as a femme nblm/toric, that nobody would like her as a nonbinary person, because they see her as a woman. but when she loves, she loves with her whole heart. it’ll shatter into pieces upon being broken, and she fears picking up the pieces.

leona also struggled with feeling prioritized + accepted for who he is, regardless of his status. my own personal headcanon for him is that people would approach him and pretend to be friendly, because they want to use Leona (either for his status as prince, regardless of order, or to get to Falena/inside the palace). so he’s come to distrust people unless there’s a mutual benefit that can be made from their partnership (ie: Ruggie). but as a boyfriend, i see leona as the type who’d want to give his heart in its entirety to his person. he’d only ever attempt to get close with someone he truly loves and sees a future with.

that being said, they both struggle with depression. leona’s developed the habit of sleeping away, ignoring his “duties” (schoolwork) because a somewhat pessimistic side of him figures that work will never get him what he wants (the throne). and this mentality is somewhat projected into his love life. and he hates it, and he wishes it weren’t so when it comes to yujin, but he struggles with breaking this habit. he’s afraid that he’ll scare her away because he could not prioritize her/their relationship.

meanwhile yujin’s depression stems more so from lack of stability. change spikes her anxiety, and she’s often confused with her emotions. she’s scared that her feelings aren’t legitimate/are insincere, and that she’ll end up hurting leona. she is also incredibly sensitive to rejection, a fear she’s trying to confront and a flaw she’s trying to correct (it’s a flaw because her reactions to rejection are not always controlled, so to speak). so she’s afraid of the possibility of breaking up. and again, her self confidence is shit, so she can’t see herself being catching the affection of someone else, much less a powerful, intelligent and handsome prince.

their relationship (both as friends/crushes and as lovers) is very much built on learning how to trust, how to open up, how to love themselves, and learning to let go of things beyond their control. it’s a rough road, but with the help of some friends, they’re sure to make it <3

[xerith-42]

Remembering those posts from transphobes about trans men with "huge knockers and glam makeup" and I'm so fucking pissed abt them because those posts are about me in a way I don't always appreciate.

I wear makeup constantly because I've had facial dysmorphia longer than I've had gender dysphoria and struggle to leave the house without altering the appearance of my face in some way. The easiest way to do this is a mask or throwing on some quick shitty eyeliner, and the most fun way to do this is to spend at least 10 minutes on my makeup because I have a lot of it and it's fun.

I have my massive bodonhonkeroos out not just because I'm a boy with tits and people need to learn to accept that, but because my back and lungs are so utterly fucked that I can't wear a binder for more than a few hours without feeling like I'm about to pass out.

Some days I would genuinely love to throw on a T-shirt, jeans, and a binder and call it a day. Walk out of the house looking like a slightly effeminate boy who has a resting bitch face. But I'm not physically capable of doing that most of the time and there are people in this world who will look at me and because of these facts they will never see me as a boy. They'll never gender me properly, they'll never respect me, and they'll see me as a "trender" or someone who "isn't really trans" because I have the audacity to wear makeup and a bra instead of wanting to kill myself.

It's just. A little upsetting ngl.

[natterghast]

⁎̩͙ ⁑̩͙̩͙ ⁂̩̩͙͙ & HEADCANONS ; jeanot's gender identity ⁂̩̩͙͙ ⁑̩͙̩͙ ⁎̩͙

jeanot ; didn't have a childhood, didn't have life support until fifteen; didn't have the words for when his skin itched, or his reflection set his mind on fire until nearly twenty. he felt dysphoria and body dysmorphia long before he knew the words. finding his gender identity was a growth long coming. he's a bloom so late that it's a second spring and he's pushing up before the frost has stopped. the expectation that he would never live past fourteen, eighteen — twenty — had long reaching effects. there was so much of himself that he couldn't examine; human brains get stuck when in survival for so long. jeanot likes to think of his past self as someone different. a very strong girl who clawed them through the dirt; a girl who is dead now, but a girl who is his personal hero because she saved his life. he grieves for that girl, remembers her with a sense of adoration. on top of it all, jeanot has had a confused existence with memories not his own lodged in his brain. he has lapses; forgets where he is, who he is, what he is. there are days where jeanot has to run a checklist over and over to reinforce it. he's jeanot, he's twenty-four, he's a human man, he lives with his boyfriend in the upstairs of a duplex they share with their found family (etc). and there has been moments where his alarm to take his testosterone pulls him out of those lapses. and he looks in the mirror after, and he's him. he's him. the path to finding himself has been long and overwrought, and jeanot still struggles. nothing's perfect. but oftentimes, even on his bad days, it's enough that he's him.

[todayisyourturntolose]

speedran tf outta this sooo here's the enby p1 fic

erm tw for maybe some in depth talk of body dysmorphia. rlly half of this is just my own thoughts abt myself just given to p1

also this isn't rlly proofread bcuz its 2 am rn and im tired af so if you seen any spelling errors. no u don't

also @strawbrygashez haaaai methinks you should read this

[platonic p1/p4 fic abt p1 coming out as nb bcuz im nb and i make the rules. sorrrry]

P1 couldn't stand to look at himself in the mirror. Especially when unclothed.

He couldn't stand seeing his thin figure, or the countless scars that littered his body. It seemed like no part of him was safe from some sort of cut or bruise.

What he hated the most, however, were the two flesh mounds on his chest. And even though they weren't large or easy to see from afar when he didn't wear a binder, just the mere thought of them was enough to make him almost gag.

All of this dysphoria didn't go well with his ongoing gender issues, either.

Did he feel like a woman? Hell no. ..Well, maybe sometimes? Being a bit feminine was nice, but he didn't do it very often. Did he feel like a man? ...Maybe? It was what he chose to identify as for almost his entire life, but now he was really doubting if he still felt like one.

At the same time, though, he didn't feel like he was either gender. He felt almost as if he was simply a body, one with no gender given to it.

This internal struggle ate away at him for what seemed like forever, and was made even worse by his already horrible mental health.

Despite all of this, he was finally able to come to a conclusion on how he felt.

He was neither. Not a man, not a woman, and, honestly, nothing in between. In his own eyes, he was simply just a person, someone who didn't feel like they were a specific gender.

Now, with all of that finally figured out.., how would he tell everyone else? On one hand, most of the Dudes were all very supportive of one another, and those who weren't entirely supportive still understood to an extent.

On the other hand, the idea of the others not understanding and even making fun of him for his identity still lingered in the back of his mind. There was a very slim possibility of it happening, but he still feared that it could occur.

The thought had worried him so much that he had avoided speaking to any of the other Dudes for almost an entire week. He only ever saw them if he went downstairs, and even then, he would try to avoid making eye contact with any other Dude.

But before the week had ended, he realized that he couldn't keep his feelings to himself forever. (even if that's what he usually did)

After a bit of narrowing down his options, he decided that there was only one person he could tell without feeling entirely ashamed of himself.

It was P4.

He had a greater bond with P1 than any other Dude, and the two would frequently speak to each other in private quite frequently. Despite P4's age, he understood exactly how P1 felt, and had a solution to nearly all of P1's problems.

So, after giving it some thought, he mustered up the courage to ask P4 to talk privately. He passed the older man in the hall and tapped his shoulder, simply signing, "Can we talk?"

It took P4 a quick second to process the question, given his understanding of ASL was still a bit low, but he nodded and responded with "Sure, whenever you're ready to."

P1 signed "Now, please", and P4 nodded once again, following the other man to his room.

P1 locked the door behind them once they were both in his room. P4 sat down and put his back to the wall, while P1 chose to stand at the door.

"So, what're we here to talk about?" P4 said after a bit of silence.

Almost instantly, P1 could feel his chest tighten. His heart seemed to skip a beat once he realized that he was about to vomit his bottled up feelings to another person.

He began to wring his hands, looking at the ground.

"I'm not too sure how to phrase this, but..."

"I've been doing some.. thinking recently.. about myself and how I feel, and.."

He slowly raised his head up, looking at P4.

"If I tell you this, you won't freak out and get mad about it, right?"

P4 frowned. "Hey, I'd never get mad at you for anything. Whatever it is, I'm sure I can at least understand a little bit."

P1 sighed, a bit relieved at his response.

"..So, I've been thinking about who I am for a while now, specifically about my..gender..and.." He went silent, looking back down and beginning to pick at the skin on his face.

"Hey, if you don't want to continue talking, it's totally fine. We can stop right now if you're not comfortable."

P1 shook his head. "No..no, it's fine. I'm just..trying to figure out how I should say this.."

He took a deep breath, eyes still looking at the ground.

"I not..a man. I not a woman, either. I don't have a specific gender, I guess. Really, I'm just a person, if that makes sense. I don't like the way my body looks, and I don't like being perceived as a gender just because of it."

The room was silent for an uncomfortable amount of time, which made P1 worry even more.

"It's alright if you don't accept me, I just thought I could get it off of my chest without being judged and-"

He stopped once he saw P4 stand up and walk over to him, thinking he was about to get walked out on.

Instead, P4 simply wrapped the other man in his arms, pulling him into a hug.

P1 tensed up, hands at his side. His mouth hung agape, and his eyes widened.

"I understand. I understand completely. I'm not going to hate you just because of how you feel. Hell, I never have hated you, and I never will. Whatever it is that you identify as, I'll support you, no matter what."

And here comes the waterworks.

P1 felt a tear drop, and didn't bother to stop it. He sobbed into the older man's shoulder,and his hands made their way there as well. P4 patted his back as P1 uttered several "thank you"s.

After a good minute or so, P1 moved his head away from P4's shoulder, wiping his face with his own sleeve.

"Fuck, I must look horrible right now." He finally said, giving the other man a slight smile.

P4 pulled away, ruffling P1's hair and smiling back at him. "Not at all."

They stood in silence for a few seconds, neither person not really knowing what to say.

"So, uh, what do I call you now? Is Dude still alright?" P4 said.

P1's smile widened slightly. "Yeah, Dude is still alright. But, I'd prefer if you used 'they' instead of 'he' when you talk about me, if that's ok."

"Got it. So, you want me to tell the others? I don't want this to just be between us, and have them talk about you incorrectly." P4 walked past P1, putting his hand on the door knob.

P1 walked over to him. "Yeah, I think now is a good time to. I'll just stay in here while you do it."

P4 turned the knob, but stopped when P1 suddenly pulled him in for another hug.

"Sorry, I'm just...glad that you support me.."

He pulled away, and P4 grinned. "No need to apologize! It's common decency, really."

"Let's just hope these assholes can understand.." P4 muttered as he opened the door and walked out.

P1 closed the door, sighing in relief.

Being understood felt nice.

[fleshmechsystem]

TW: Body dysmorphia, gender dysphoria, depression, self harm, trauma dump

I think the issue I have the most is that I hyper focus on my negatives.

Right now I'm thinking I'm disgusting for eating rice lately considering my appetite has gotten... Larger as of late.

Metabolism been acting faster than usual.

But I'm afraid it's doing something to my body. I don't want to get fattened up like when I was a kid. Sure being a little chubby isn't bad, but when you have a specific body image you want in mind it just... Fucks with you.

Now that I realized I'm agender new problems basically popped out that I didn't realized I even had before.

Sometimes I don't even feel androgynous enough with my stupid face. My stupid voice and my stupid hair.

I look like a goddamn brute. I look like my dad.

It's probably one of my reasons why I get so... Distraught. Alongside my other issues like severe undiagnosed paranoia (I have signs I have it) and just tendencies of being... Not nice to myself when I get in my breaking point...

I honestly start to see a warped version of myself. Because of my many MANY issues, fears and just things I genuinely have no control over I start to just disregard my own life to have it's own meaning because I don't feel satisfied with what I am and what I have.

I don't give a fuck about the financial stuff since money means nothing to me and I've come to accept that material shit won't make me happy, well unless it's plushies then maybe capitalism can win for a bit.

But all I'm saying is that. I don't have the life I want. I don't have the body I want.

I have nothing I want.

Right now I'm in the pre transition phase shit. Even then I've started to look less masculine over the years but it's... Not enough.

It's never enough.

Right now I'm just sitting in the bathroom contemplating if I should harm myself or even have the absurd idea or carving parts of my disgusting cancerous body.

Sculpting it like a lunatic.

None of this would've happened if I wasn't fed a lot as a kid. None of this would've happened if I wasn't abused.

There are outside factors there too to be fair but. I've struggled with this for years that even with me starting to finally get back to my old sunday routine of working out.

I still don't see progress.

And with my growing appetite I worry that I will start to look disgusting again.

I have nothing against other people's bodies. I really don't. I can find someone cute no matter what. But this body?

I don't like it.

This vessel.

This vessel isn't me.

I want to escape from it.

But doing that will basically kill people that don't want to die.

And right now I don't want the others to die while I'm still sane.

If this goes on long enough I'll probably start saying shit like actively fake claiming the others because I want to just push them away. Make myself not feel bad for killing them.

It isn't nice.

I never really was a patient person.

Even now I still struggle with letting my emotions in check. I physically can't even play online games because I just... Lose myself.

I'm not a good person. I never was, but at the same time that's what I've been told.

Even with their efforts, their abused will still linger and they chose to be ignorant with how hurtful they get sometimes.

Good thing I'm not a host anymore. No one is. At any time someone else could puppet the vessel and stop me from doing something silly with my funny wrist using my funny nails.

I guess. I guess I just feel like shit.

Life was never fair so I just have a cluster of problems that makes me think that the only way I can get what I want in life is through violence. Pain. And all that shit.

Honestly I lost count of wanting to commit crimes as a way to send a message. Of course for legal reasons I haven't committed them. Although I did burn a church down in project zomboid.

This is the reason why I just can't understand the empathy people express towards someone like me, who's admittedly messed up.

I'm messed up. My past was messed up.

I just. Sent myself down in this loop of hating myself over having issues because I just can't accept people love me.

I can't understand the very idea of relationships.

Even now I have issues with that with some psychology bullshit stuff. Like I have trouble with my feelings towards people. My brain goes Person is nice towards you = Love??

Like it could be platonic love but it feels really weird.

I think this is what happens if someone doesn't use a condom. You get someone like me to be born.

Hell they weren't even prepared for it. "Dad" had to go abroad just to support us making me think he doesn't even exist to the point I didn't recognize or knew him when he came back, "mom" works and was barely home to give me the affection I needed or just having a parent and not a babysitter, not to mention someone with anger issues.

Whenever I fucked up as a kid I get yelled at. Or maybe Riley did. Memory is blurry since I can't tell who's past it really was even if Riley was the host.

Eventually the whole incident happened when the split really did happen or at least according to Riley.

Kid swore, instead of being scolded, they got a handful of salt shoved down their throat.

Even now I still remember what they did to Riley. To us.

I can't forgive someone like that even if they claim they've "changed" or "feel bad about what she did" I don't forgive someone who chooses their own entitled view of themselves and only feels guilty about themselves over us.

Maybe it's fucked up love, but I don't want that love, neither does Riley I think.

We're not free yet. But honestly my relationship with the former host is fucking weird.

I don't know. Close feeling. Maybe it's the trauma bond but. It's weird.

And I really don't want it to be romantic either so I will say it's platonic certainly.

But even then being close to someone you've never met for years is weird.

Fuck.

Why am I like this?

What fucking fear and hunger god did I angered to have issues? This sucks.

I want a refund.

-Cal

[lunarscaled]

so i stop writing paragraphs of text in Turbo's DMs I'm gonna unload info here re: Lyric + children / child birth cw for pregnancy, gender dysphoria, body dysmorphia, discussions of post-partum, etc

Lyric is actually very good with kids despite what they think. Lyric's assumption that they are not a good influence around children and a poor caretaker is directly from their own struggle and lack of energy to care for themselves; their biggest concern is they wouldn't be able to maintain a standard of care that a child deserves, especially since their life has been particularly rocky. That doesn't mean they're mean to children or push them away or anything---Lyric tries to be very levelheaded around kids and give them room to make mistakes and learn. They weren't normally offered that as a child, so they try to give it now. They're very compassionate especially for children clearly struggling; they are empathetic to ones who have lost family or parents and try to support them. Garret, Abel, and the Circus were a large makeshift family of people who often had estranged or lost family members, and they put value in forming family out of the people who cared for them and not people related by blood, so that ideal is also instilled in Lyric.

when it comes to HAVING children, I've discussed before how 1) egg laying Dragons in Lyric's lore have low fertility rates as a species whole, which is why they started crossbreeding in the first place 2) Lyric is obviously young and wouldn't ever seriously consider children until they're older.

As far as Lyric getting pregnant is concerned, it is hard for them, statistically. They personally aren't bothered by that, but it's possible a partner may be; it also doesn't mean they're 100% guaranteed to NOT get pregnant, so using protection is still very important. If / When Lyric gets pregnant, as long as it is any period outside of their Nesting ( a two week period in late November / December when their species would be preparing courting couples and laying eggs ), it's basically a standard human pregnancy.

Lyric's symptoms are very heavy, though, especially symptoms like nausea and fatigue. They're much more depressed and emotional, which is compounded by their deep-set unease and disgust with the physical changes of their body that naturally happen when someone is pregnant. They hate being unable to do anything or lift anything; they feel worse the less they can do. They hate people wanting to touch their belly or talking about pregnancy glows or discussing the birth or how their tastebuds are all fucked up and some things smell awful and taste awful now. They don't like the baby kicking. when Lyric does have the baby, they have severe postpartum depression. Realistically, Lyric would be unable to care for their child for as long as the first year. They would rely HEAVILY on the Guild and its members ( who would willingly do so. Garrett and Abel have helped with plenty of kids before ) as well as their partner, because otherwise they couldn't keep it. Lyric is likely to self-harm, either by injuring themselves or by doing things like refusing to eat or care for their body. They cry a lot. They isolate a lot. They feel deeply dysphoric in their own body in a way they didn't before, and it takes a long time before they can calm down and approach even their own child safely.

If Lyric becomes pregnant while Nesting, rather than a standard human pregnancy, after about a month and a half they'll lay an egg! It will be roughly the same size as a child, and it's not any less painful or hard to do, but the majority of the child's growth is in the egg and outside of their body. Lyric will spend roughly until mid Spring incubating and nesting with the egg ( possibly two eggs! ), and because the baby will hatch in a state able to consume solid food, Lyric's body does not go through standard human pregnancy changes. That makes the whole ordeal infinitely easier on them, because they do not experience the gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia human pregnancy causes them; they're still able to work and do things normally when they are taking breaks from their nest, they do not rely on a partner after the hatchling is born (as Lyric's species is only together for the incubation period.) An eggnant Lyric will require a number of dietary restrictions to support their body, like a lot of calcium from cuttle bone, and meats and organs that support the necessary chemicals to properly grow the egg and the fetus. They'll need fresh supplies of snow and ice to maintain the temperature of their nest and routinely add and remove old and fresh snow from it. They spend a lot of time guarding their space as they would from predators who eat eggs or other dragons. Their body may express more draconic features in this period to make caring and laying their egg easier, but likely will return to normal after a year.

Having a kid is still insanely scary for them, and Lyric doubts their general ability to be a good parent, but re: methods of conception it is infinitely easier for them to have an egg than have a baby. they're still not aiming to be a milf though---Lyric would likely only ever have 2 children maximum in their whole life. They find child care to be stressful and only consider it at the interest of a partner. ( do not listen to the Nesting behavior, it is instinct and not the truth. no matter how cute and breedable they are, they will beat your ass later. )

[marali-iin]

The path to become an Idol

TW: mentions of S.A, Gender dysphoria, attempt of murder and mental disorders

Mifuyu Chō, a survivor of a brutal SA at the age of 11 who found comfort on pretty idols during her recovery in the hospital now at the age of 16 aspires to work hard to become an Idol so they can bring happiness and hope to other people just as the one she received in the hospital.

I just wish to make everyone around happy and help them ease their problems away with music!

Sol Butala, a trans girl that doesn't have the support of her parents. As her dysmorphia keeps as a struggle to her everyday life at the age of 15, Elliott jus doesn't seem like his own name or self anymore. She's so immersed in how it hurts to be living as someone who you don't are so your parents don't hate you losses her light in life and isolates from the people she and things she once loved.

The whole world is loud and goes too fast, but Mifuyu's voice is the only comfort that I need to don't get lost in my mind

Mei Swan, a gifted child in sports that's known for always winning first place. Swimming, Running, Basketball, Tennis, Baseball, Dancing, you name the sport and she wins. At the young age of 17 she seems to have such a bright career and future, only if she also saw it that way. It just feels like empty trophies on her desk, winning is more an obligation than a gift now, but how could she even disappoint her loving parents who have always given nothing but support.

If it's not number one then why even try? Mom deserves a perfect daughter after all

Zenoko Azuyama, a retired idol who joined the industry at the age of 10 by decision of her mother. She was pretty and talented since birth, but such a pressuring industry in such a young child only generates bad things. At the age of 14 with an already eating disorder decided to quit after her mother had a mental crisis and tried to kill her, singing just lost any meaning and her life got ruined at such a young age.

I hate mom, I hate how she failed that time, she knew I was tired but couldn't try to actually end it all for both of us. I can't do it myself

˚˖𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒✧˚.🎀༘⋆—————

I DID THEM! My first complete character introduction on this app. I can finally start writing again after two months of not enjoying it! I like how this turned out, but I'll still add a little more information here:

🪻Mifuyu Chō

Non-binary bisexual, she/them. 170 cm, autistic + imposter syndrome. Korean, 16 years old. Has haphephobia, loves bows and puffy dresses. AFAB. Extroverted and good with reading body language, bad at maths, literature and physics but good at P.E. Has bad eye sight but won't use glasses, has a 10 year old younger brother, is afraid of cats.

Voice: Airi Momoi (Project Sekai)

💫Sol Butala

Trans-fem pansexual demirromantic, she/her. 168 cm, autistic, Indian, 15 years old. AMAB. Hates any type of chocolate instead of white chocolate. Terrified of insects, has astigmatism. Good at any science (physics, chemistry, biology) but sucks at art. Introverted, has two sisters (19 and 12). Seems like she likes Mifuyu (did have a platonic crush on them)

Voice: Xingqiu - English voice (Genshin Impact)

💜Mei Swan

Asexual Lesbian, she/her (might be changed to she/him). 166 cm, OCD + anxiety. Half Japanese half American, 17 years old. AFAB. Has Atychiphobia, bad sleep schedule, is actually very confident on her looks. Extroverted looking and good to talk to new people, terrified of actually socializing in secret. Good at fast singing, meet Mifuyu virtually

Voice: Ichika Hoshino (Project Sekai)

🎀Zenoko Azuyama

Aro-ace (possibly demigirl too) she/they. 172 cm, borderline personality disorder + bipolarity. Has anorexia due to being exposed to the industry at such a young age, Japanese, 16 years old, AFAB. Would have beautiful curls if she didn't stop taking care of them at the age of 14, currently using keratin instead. Loves chocolate covered strawberries and raspberries. Hates the taste of green tea and caffeine

Voice: Hanya - English (Honkai Star Rail)

Any questions will be responded + reqs open!!