#as my regular period pain but it's still ass

[levshany]

you don't know this little bebe, but I would be glad to introduce him to you soon. I think you'll like this dandelion boy. Especially since he was inspired by the Collector 👉👈

Now a portion of my whinings

Lev wanted to start the new year with a full-rendered complex piece with background and stuff, and right at that moment she caught a cold, her period started, and knee pain fell on her. And she was squeezing this art for 4 days in a row, suffering

Worth it 👍

Risky. Risky after a break to return to the blog with a full ass illustration, which often don't get much unlike sketches and comics, but moreover it is also an unfamiliar story to you. but I am well aware of these risks, I take them all on myself

Still worth it 👍👍

This year I will strive to draw at least one full illustration every month. I want to make a sick portfolio and also do a regular practice!

In my summary, I complained about how little blue art I had last year. Well, look at me go, starting the year with the bluest art possible ehehehehehe

[warriorprincesstramp]

um tmi moment. but I have been on the pill and yet have basically just been having my period for the past week. maybe longer actually. and ppl are just like oh well bleed through is normal! OK WELL WHAT ARE WE DOING THENNNNN WHY AM I TAKING YOUR STUPID PILLS!!!!

[guhhhhhhhhhhh]

I'm so mad that the one medication that keeps my endometriosis under control and keeps me from waking up in the middle of the night literally crying from pain, and also makes me only have my period every three months, also has made me gain like,,,,,20-30 lbs in the last year. Like. What a cruel tradeoff. This feels like one of those would you press the button challenges

[cottonlemonade]

“Why must nature be so cruel? Why does she hate me so?“

You curled up on the couch, pressing the ancient heating pillow you were too lazy and too stingy to replace against your chubby tummy.

“Please work!“, you pleaded with the failing device, “Cook my uterus!“

“You okay there, babe?“

Futakuchi came out of the bathroom, towel drying his hair, and regarded you with the same doubtfully raised brow he had sported when his little sister took him to see Swan Lake the other week.

Doing your best to imitate an armadillo‘s defense, you whined, “Pain…“

“What do you want me to do about it?“, he asked, earning himself a searing gaze of rage.

“Either get me pregnant or get out.“, you snapped.

Calmly, your boyfriend walked to your kitchen and opened the not-so-secret secret candy stash pantry on the far left, fishing out your favorites, then came to the couch to feed the rabid beast.

After the first mouthful of silky sweet chocolate, your hellish black aura subsided and you leaned forward for more, not even attempting to pick up a snack yourself. Futakuchi didn‘t mind.

“It can‘t be that bad.“, he teased when you winced after a little sneeze from the peppermint bark, knowing full well how bad it was for his little sister already. But you were in no mood for his jokes and it was enough to express-ship a period simulator.

“Shirt up, smart-ass.“, you announced as soon as you ripped open the box that evening.

With a lot of eye-rolling, he lifted the hem to expose his toned stomach. You lowered the waistband of his gray sweats a little in exchange for a flirty comment but completely ignored it while you stuck the sensors to his lower abdomen.

“I still don‘t know what you‘re trying to do here. It‘s not gonna work. Remember when I got a papercut that one time and didn‘t even wince?“

It was obvious he was getting nervous and tried to distract by making you laugh but there was no way out. He pushed a button he knew he shouldn‘t have and now, you did the same.

He crumpled over immediately as the waves of level one coursed through his muscles.

“No biggie.“, he sighed, straightening again but covertly grabbing the corner of the kitchen counter.

“Oh, alright.“

You decided to skip a few and turned it to four.

He yelped and clutched his teeth.

“Still fiiii——ck.“ You had turned it to five.

“Okay, stop stop STOP! Take it off!“

You did as he requested and watched in grim amusement as your boyfriend panted heavily, rubbing over the poor tortured ego you just bruised.

Of course, he insisted on reversing the experiment and his jaw physically dropped when you got to ten without grimacing once and even having the audacity to call it mild.

Needless to say that from that moment on, whenever your cycle started, he would claim that “we are on our period“ and make sure that no obligation forced you out of the house.

a/n: please keep in mind that immense, lasting and regular period pains are not normal and could be a sign of endometriosis. If you suffer from severe period pains, please consult your doctor to have it checked out 😊🫶🏻

[etoileee]

THINGS THAT SHOCKED ME IN MY PERCY JACKSON DR Ψ

— GREEK

listen okay I know this probably sounds stupid, but I didn't script anything to do with the greek language. It genuinely was so surprising that I could understand it to a certain extent.

My experience was similar to Percy's when he first got to the camp in lightning thief.

I don’t understand it fully of course, the closest thing I can describe it to is listening to brazilian portuguese as someone who speaks spanish, like I think I could have an entire conversation with them simply based on context clues and understanding about 40% or 50% percent.

It's almost a bit frustrating, like, ALMOST understanding it. it's a bit irritating in its way.

— TRAINING

I’m gonna make an entire image about this don’t worry it was so eventful LMAO

that shit was DIFFICULT! again to an extent it was almost instinctual, the way your body moves and having quick reflexes. it's a part of being a demigod, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t have to learn.

I didn’t expect it to come as naturally as it did, but I still obviously have a lot to learn.

the prophecy is the people who trained me I had my work cut out for me

— HOW CRAMPS ARE DEALT WITH

they do have things like advil and tylenol, but those surprisingly aren’t what are the post popular painkillers at camp half blood.

there are two options for medications that help with menstrual pain;

the hara cabin make these sugar pills that dissolve in your mouth, these have the same effects as a painkiller but are a lot easier to take then regular pills for us who can’t swallow pills (ME) I honestly like these a lot more than other painkillers.

another option is more long-term, these are from the apollo cabin. they have a specific herbal blend that helps with period cramps and they’ll give it to you to make into a tea and this helps decrease the pain of the cramps over time.

— CAPTURE THE FUCKING FLAG

LISTEN OKAY WE NOW ITS SERIOUS FROM THE BOOKS BUT GODDAMN. WAS IT EVER THAT SERIOUS?

like I don’t think you can understand how serious they take it till you shift there, I wanted to giggle but I quickly stfu when I realized it was life for death for these people. (not literally but it sure felt like it)

annabeth had to pull my ass with her because I was too scared to move around at one point LOL

— FOOD

BON APPÉTIT

the food is a mix of american comfort food, cuisine from around the world, and greek/ mediterranean food.

after training one of the days I genuinely was too sore and tired to get up, while I was lying on the grass jason got up to get me a sandwich and it was literally the best sandwich I've had. I've been thinking about it since I got back from my dr!

I don’t know if I was just so hungry and exhausted that it tasted like the best thing I’ve ever put in my mouth but either way, I inhaled that sandwich

after both training and capturing the flag, there were tables full of snacks and food + water that was nice

[bonefries]

Outlast Trials | Fanfiction | Mostly SFW + Depictions of gore / little bit of suggestive groping.

The Fox and the Hare | Franco Barbi x (Reagent OC) Sister Elizabeta

This picture is now the cover for this one shot I wrote about Eli and Franco! This is the story about the first time Eli reveals to Franco that she wants to cannibalize his heart. I've never really written a fic before so I gave it a try. (Please go easy on me. Writing is not my first skill.)

(Outlast Trials story, you have been warned.) Writing under the cut!

"5 AM in the Goddamn morning." Franco's voice rumbled from his bed at the less than pleasurable sound of the morning intercom. The crackling static of the Murkoff speaker as it popped on to inform him that he has 15 minutes to prepare before his first appearance of the day.

His blanket would shuffle as he struggled to slump himself forward, clearing the morning gunk from his throat and rubbing the dust from his eyes. Lifting his ring finger to his face, he delicately massaged the thin layer of his eyelid. In this gesture he would push away the pesky tears that pooled along his waterline.

"Marone." He would roll off his tongue in agitation. There are few individuals that opt to run his stage so early before sunrise.

This was, even for him, too goddamn early. However, it was all a part of the contract. On call at whatever moment of the day Murkoff desired. In exchange, Franco is given his milk and honey. The heroin operations intact, his clientele happy and paying, and his protection guaranteed from whomever senior Salvatore may still be trying to throw his way to disturb his little slice of heaven. Though, one did think about the audacity it took for him to be so inconvenienced by waking up early for work. He was, after all, complaining from his large and private bedroom that was custom fitted with all of his nice things. From his silky bed sheets to his hardwood armoire that held his finely tailored wardrobe. The things he can't help but want because of his upbringing in a luxury lifestyle. Back then, young Barbi could have whatever he wanted so long as it didn't require Daddy's love and affection. "Who the fuck wants to be in there at ass crack'a dawn." Franco would take a deep breath, the air hissing through him as he swung his legs over the side of his bed. The already irritated Barbi had no intentions of getting dressed this first time around as he searched his bed for his evening robe. As he sat on the edge of his sheets, he would run his fingers over the side of his head to feel how his wound was fairing. It was a regular issue that he has long since discarded serious care for. The chemicals Murkoff pumped into him at regular check ups somehow managed to keep the infection in line just enough every time. But, it was still a chronic pain. And of course, the dressings he had gone to sleep with were off once again. He could never manage to get them to stick as he would toss and turn throughout his appointed resting periods. At his bedside of course, sat his precious Lupara. He'd grab the gun with a haste most only saw in soldiers hurried to war.

"I'll be fucked if some spunky little cunt is really lookin for a fight this early in the mornin." He spat with a jagged scowl.

If it truly was some reagent with the balls to be so punctual, he wasn't going to give them the pleasure of seeing him in his proper work attire. Hell, the only thing he truly bothered with were his socks and shoes. The small man had every intention of looking ridiculous for the poor sucker he was hoping to find. --------

"Good morning Mr. Barbi." Said the man behind the glass. Waiting for Franco at this gated entrance as always. "Up yours, scum pig." Franco would snarl, with no hesitation and no eye contact to spare. Never had he cared for the authority around him that Murkoff provided. This may be their set up, but this was his turf, as far as he was concerned. Once he was past the gate and through the doorway, he would be in the facility. With Lupara over his shoulder, he would stop to stare out into the distance of the Docks. Searching for anything out of the ordinary.

The morning silence was deafening. “So fuckin early even the rats ain’awake yet.”

Franco stated as he stepped along metal staircases and wooden hallways. The disgusting smell of sulfur, like that of rotting eggs. The fake simulated cries of seagulls and the moist sloshing of water and carnage against the cargo ship. He would make his way to the rising platform that laid beneath the hatch, expecting to find someone perhaps within the bridge. As his footsteps trebled against the metal panels of the floor, his predatory intuition made clear that his prey was not too far off. Something in the air changed, a presence, a frequency. A silent alarm, if any. And it made his trigger finger itch.

But his gut warned him to hold steady. And gently, Franco pushed open a door to the bridge control room. The red lighting in the room would make it rather easy for someone to sit still and eventually slide by quietly. Like a conniving little rat. But this wasn't the case, as the intruder made no real efforts to conceal themselves.

A figure hunched over a box of junk and trinkets. The sound of objects being picked up, inspected perhaps, and dropped back in. Though there was something odd about the way that they did, as there didn't appear to be much urgency in their gestures. At least not the kind that you would expect from most reagents.

"Who the fuck is that!?" Franco asserted. Aiming his Lupara with a ferocity that came quicker than the pull of the trigger.

It wasn't more than a second before the hunched figure rose to their full height, head turning slightly to capture a side eye view of Franco's threat posture. Their gaze presented with a very silent and eerie calmness despite the gun pointed to them.

"Thats an awful rude way to greet 'a girl so early in the morning, Mista' Bambino." A voice with a short fuse for patience spoke out to him. You could hear the small gasp that wormed it's way out of the mobster's lungs after being addressed. Franco would drop his hostile pose with Lupara still in his hand. Motioning his arms forward, he gestured the way one would when asking for a hug.

"Lizzy!" Shouted the Barbi.

The giantess gave Franco the quick up and down. Her eyes hung in a way that made them look so soft, but sad. The same way a Forget-Me-Not makes you feel by it's name.

"Doooon't you Lizzy me buster! Yous was just aimin'that goddamn Lupara at the backa' my head!" Her shoulders would jerk around, a small medicine bottle in one hand while the other put up a scolding finger.

Franco would note that she didn't look like her typical self. While she dawned her ever holy reagent bindings and gear, something was unkempt about her.

Her hair was frizzy and bedridden, her make up was fading and tacky along the features and creases of her face. Loosely fitted from her body was a hand made evening jumper. The material looked surprisingly close to the silk of his sheets back in his bedroom. Lastly her stockings were put on in a hurry. They were already full of tears and holes as they pulled against the shape of her legs. For her that had been good enough, and she had walked into the trial shuttle without any shoes.

The two would walk forward from their respective spots in the room, meeting each other half way.

"No, no, Lizzy! You know I'd never take a shot at ya! I-I ain't seen ya in a week I wasn't thinkin it was you!"

Franco's demeanor would shift ever so quickly to that of a begging pup as he put his hands together. Pleading with Lizzy that he was not out of line. That he did good hesitating before letting his trigger finger do the talking for him. "S-Sugar." He would stutter, his expression failing to show any real confidence in his display.

Lizzy would roll her eyes and shake her head. The finger that did the scolding now gently brushing through the front patch of Franco's hair.

"Yeah well, I didn't have much of a choice Barbi doll." She said.

Her nails gently pushed the strands of greasy hair into their signature swirl on his forehead. The gentleness of her motion reflected in the way it felt. A slight tickle on top of the skin, oh, it was something so minor that could make a man like Franco purr.

She could melt him like butter. His knees could turn to jelly on the spot as she stroked his hair. Like being praised for good behavior while he batted his eyelashes at her. Despite how disheveled she would consider herself in the moment, she was his Madonna. An icon he'd get on his knees to worship while he pleaded for her forgiveness and her blessings.

"One of tha'rookies in my cell block is havin a tough time with a nasty stab wound. I said I'd go get them somethin first thing in the mornin." She explained. The tone of her voice suggesting that she was, in fact, the one looking for forgiveness.

"I didn't mean to wake ya up Frankie- Honest. But yous was the first in rotation today." Lizzy tried to assure him, her fingers clenching lightly to his chin. Making him look into her eyes while she tried to reason her actions to him.

Her hands were so soft, except for her pointer finger. He could feel the callused tip of it, making it stand out against the rest. The spot where she pricked too much from sewing without a thimble or machine guard, surely.

Smitten, his mouth would curl into a dotting smile. How he wished she would give him more than just this simple restraint. Though, the thought would quickly pass as his expression changed. Resembling that of a mean and feral tom cat. Scrunched together, like there was a bad taste past his tongue and teeth.

"Wait wait. You got up at this time for some....random newbie! Lizzy. C'mon what'dya get outta helpin these people!" Franco would argue. He was more upset on her behalf than she was.

In fact, she didn't seem to protest the task at all.

"These people ain't got nothin for you. You fuckin know that. Whats'tha sense in goin through.......through this kind of bullshit! Eh?" The little man would kick his leg limply as he let his fuse run without much thought to his outburst. Lizzy offered no real response other than a puff of air. Her red painted nail would lightly poke Bambino on his nose while she uttered something.

"Look Frankie. You might get a nice cozy spot all to ya'self but I share a parlor'wit a buncha other people. Some'a them need someone to look out for them alright?" The woman didn't say much else other than to point out that it was a simple act of kindness for a wounded stranger. "They're just taking advantage of'ya Liz." He grumbled and grabbed her free hand by the wrist. Holstering Lupara for the moment, a thing he rarely did when he was out and about.

"They ain't workin hard like you do, baby. They're just lookin to get what they can outta ya, and then suck you for every last drop you got." Franco's tone would once again reach a level of irritation. He hissed in a low volume and moved to hold her hand in his palms.

"You can't just go willy fuckin nilly doin shit for these people. They're gonna stab you in the back the second they get the goddamn chance."

The way Franco said it truly reflected how often he looked over his shoulder. One could imagine that he never meant a hand shake a day in his life, or that his fingers surely ached from how often they were crossed behind his back. It takes a rat to know a rat, and he has been both rodent and thief in his day.

"Frankie, you're ova'reactin. It's just a little medicine, sourpuss." Lizzy would puff her cheeks out, unbothered by the assumptions Franco was making. She calmly slid her hand away from his grasp to gesture as she spoke.

"Besides....Gave me a reason to come see ya'didn't it?" She giggled at the statement, her fingers running down the open lining of his evening robe. Adjusting the fabric slightly, Lizzy would cup the side of Franco's face. Feeling the heat from his cheeks that she couldn't see on him now.

Franco just stared at her. His thick eyelashes flickering as he blinked in confusion and bashfulness. He didn't want to admit he had gotten a little overworked about the situation, but he had to muster up an excuse of some sort, right?

"Y-yeah. So what if it did? I ain't gonna thank'em! And now I'm all fuckin worked up and out here in my fuckin pajamas!" The man whined. A wincing pitch to his voice that made one feel like they were fighting with a child.

"Fuckin...mothafucka.." Bambino growled to himself. Massaging his eyelids softly once again to push the waterworks away.

"Aw, my poor Bambino. Always cryin, never'sad." Lizzy would bend down to kiss his temple. A faint smear of red tint from her lipstick that she'd had on since the day before. It's darkness was only visible if you really looked for it under the red light of the bridge. Franco's sad moans would cease after this short reward, but only briefly.

For Franco, especially at this time, it still wasn't enough.

"Mother...May I?" He winced and groaned. The sound he made was pathetic to say the least. Like a pained beast, begging to be put out of it's misery. He ran his hands up the woman's sides, gripping them securely much like the way he would grip his precious Lupara.

Lizzy's eyebrows would raise in surprise by his assertiveness in this moment. She scoffed and shook her head. "You'know I ain't got time't fool around wit' you Frankie." She protested. Looking into those sad puppy dog eyes of his. Lizzy had a strong will, but sometimes the break line was thin. She sighed. "C'mere Barbi Doll. Give mama some sugar." She beckoned him with her finger. "Marone...." The mobster buried his face into her belly without a moment's notice. Whispering sweet nothings into the pit of her stomach. His sweating skin sticking to the cool silk that hung loose from her figure. Nosing at it like a desperate animal in heat. Breathing in her scent like it was the last thing he’d do. "Look at what ya'do t'me..." The words crawled out of his mouth like a bum from the gutter. Desperate and yearning.He could never have what he wanted most from her. No matter how many times she appeared on his stage. A dream that was far off, but he had played in his head one hundred times over. The idea of getting warm and close to Lizzy in such a manner made his heart skip and his head spin. He couldn't even catch his breath to properly word the excitement it brought him. So instead, he tried to show it through physical affections as he tugged Lizzy closer to himself. His hands cusped just under her wide and soft curvature. Lizzy's expression would go from soft to perky and surprised at the sudden affections. “What do I do to you, Barbi Doll?” She whispered the question into the air as the tension built itself up. The musk was thick from the stage’s fake salt and morning fog that poured from machines in the walls. "You make baby crazy, Liz…” He groveled as his legs failed to hold him up any longer. Holding on to her ankles for dear life as he looked up at her face. His palms rubbing past the holes in her stockings, occasionally slipping a finger under the fabric to circle her skin tenderly. He would heave slightly as he leaned forward to kiss at the shimmering fabric. The woman stared intently at his display of affection. At the vulnerable state he was willing to subject himself to so he could hear her affirmations. And all she could do was watch him as he kissed at her feet. His lips were dry and sticky as he peppered trails up each leg. One at a time. An alarm was going off somewhere inside her head. The way Franco appeared at the floor before her made her skin hot and her stomach warm. A smirk would creep at the corners of her face, only emphasized by the red lipstick colors that stained her mouth. “Bambino…” Lizzy said. Franco’s short breaths paused as he made eye contact with her upon his title being named. “You know what you make me want to do?” She questioned.

Franco's eyes would light up at the opportunity to ask her. What did he make her want to do. How did she feel? "Mother...Please...." His voice was eager and hurried, like it was being squeezed from him.

"W-what do I make you wanna do, Mother... Tell me. Please." Franco's head was almost on the ground as he bowed it to the question.

"Mother please." The man child begged.

"Heh.." The tall woman snickered and cleared her throat. The air hissing as it sucked in past her teeth that she bared. And if it hadn't been for the lighting one could swear that she had the grin of a predator. Sharp and wanting. Drooling. Itching to snap down on bone and flesh.

Franco's eyes darted back up as he stared from below. The silence getting heavier and heavier with every second that passed. Waiting for her answer.

Before he could gather the air to speak and cut through the quiet, he was hoisted into the air. Lizzy having put down the medicine bottle to give herself more control and range to handle Barbi.

"My Little Baby Barbi Doll." She sang. She pulled his small body close to her so they were nose to nose. Holding him as if he weighed nothing more than a toy to her. Her facial features formed what could only be described as an intoxicated expression.

"If I had it my way..." She giggle-whispered. Her high pitched tone jittering as though something was very funny to her.

"If I had it my way, Barbi Doll. I'd reach my hand right through that little barrel chest'a yours." Lizzy circled her finger nail lightly over the skin above Franco's heart.

"I'd push past your ribs...until I could feel'ya heart between my fingers. And yank it right outta ya. Tubes and all." As Lizzy detailed the viscera of the scene in her head, you could hear the peak of the pleasure she took in describing it. In some twisted way, it made her heart flutter and gave her butterflies in her gut.

Franco's jaw was nearly on the floor as she hushed her desires right into his ears. They locked eyes, and as his mouth was agape, Lizzy's grin was that of a hungry....wolf. No.

He was the wolf here. Lupara, echoed in Franco's head. He still had Lupara, but he dare not grab for it. He knows how much Lizzy hated when he handled the gun around her.

No not a wolf. A vixen. And right now, Franco was the hare. The foolish hare that laid it's head in the maw of the fox. At any moment she could snap her jaws right on his little neck and do him in.

"I would take a bite outta your heart like a fuckin fruit. Frankie." The woman's lips twitched into a sadistic and hungry little grin and she leaned in close to whisper into Franco's ear. "And I bet you taste sweet. Sugar-sweet. Like milk, and honey."

The sentiment was enough to make Franco's mind go over the edge between fear and arousal. He was speechless, short circuited. Not a clue this side of hell what to say to her.

She sighed a longing sigh, as if she had just been minorly inconvenienced. "A girl can dream..." Lizzy would cut off her thoughts quite abruptly.

Putting Bambino back on the ground, his eyes widened with fear and uncertainty. Was she serious? Franco didn't actually know the answer, but his face was hot and flushed so much so that the sweat dripped from his skin. He took a deep breath and asked.

"Y-you wanna eat me?" He said with little behind the question. His teeth clenched from the anxiety. His mouth hollowed with confusion to Lizzy's true motives.

Their gazes would meet and there was a short pause. Lizzy wiped the corner of her mouth with the tip of her thumb and snickered softly.

"You heard me, Barbi Doll. I just wanna. Eat. You. Up."

She hunched over a bit, lowering herself to his level to place a deepened kiss on his lips. It caused Franco to moan lightly with relief as her touch was a comfort he had been missing for days. His temper was short because he felt ignored. Neglected even. But this was just the pick me up he needed, despite how he came about it.

But, the answer was still unclear. Although it wasn't something Franco saw any worth in dwelling over. Not after the heart skipping moment he just felt with Lizzy. Not right now.

A sickening bond that was ever growing between the two of them.

"One'a these days, Dollie. But not today,alright?" She grabbed his chin again and jerked his face lightly and playfully. His eyelashes fluttered at the motion.

"You gonna walk a little lady to the exit shuttle then?" Lizzy requested.

Franco whom already felt a lingering intimidation radiating from Ms.Lizzy, would hold no argument as he hooked his arm around her waist. He had no qualms with escorting her along with the medicine bottle she acquired.

After all he just wanted to get back to bed. He had thoughts to think over, and desires to dream of before the real trials of the day began.

-End

[hotchfiles]

↪ kate joyner and hotch were fucking in the period of her appearance, an essay

it's sunday and i have no social life and i think way harder about hotch than a normal sane person should but. since getting into criminal minds there has been The Question (and it wasn't just me! i've seen other people talk about it): did hotch cheat on haley while liaising with kate when she was in scotland yard? i always doubted that because he's not a cheater (but he is A man...), so today i bring you my updated theory: they were in the starts of a relationship before she died. i'm not without evidence. so let's go!

3x20

kate calls hotch on his personal phone, late at night

he speaks to her very casually for someone who doesn't talk on a regular basis and only know each other from a past assignment

jj's reaction shows it isn't common for hotch to go above jj when choosing cases

again, very casually speaking of her, calling her kate only

the apparent common knowledge is that she's a brit but

hotch not only knows she has a dual citizenship, but also which parent is british and which one is american

AND MY FAVORITES

IT ONLY GETS BETTER FROM HERE ALRIGHT

LETS GO

why say that if not to imply hotch has interest in her because she looks like his ex wife who he recently divorced (not willingly !)

AGAIN WITH THE FIRST NAMES! she doesnt call him hotch ONCE. its aaron, from the start. and HIS SMILE. LOOK AT THIS FUCKER'S FACE

garcia's reaction to the informality

now why would emily use this tone if it was to imply hotch is a CHEATER???

no thats the "oh they ARE fucking" tone

this is sort of a reach because hotch worries about everyone he works with but STILL, going from "i know her because we liaised" to this--i rest my case

then this, i didnt think too much of it because hotch can be a bit of an ass with protocol and hierarchy whateverrrr BUT

emily was sooo uncomfortable which shows in fact that wasnt normal behavior

WHY SAY THAT IF THE TWO OF THEM WERENT OBVIOUSLY FUCKING !!!!

is that it? obviously not, i am in fact INSANE so

4x1

THE FLIRTY EYES AND SMILES

AGAIN. HE DOESNT CALL HER JOYNER. NOT EVEN ONCE. KATE. AT ALL TIMES.

THIS WOMAN IS DYING AND LOOK AT THE WAY SHES SMILING AT HIM AFTER SAYING SHES NOT IN PAIN very allison dying in the arms of her first love coded

another detail i like to point out is that aaron is completely capable of walking rn, he could easily walk over to the end of the street to talk to one of the officers there but he just wouldnt, couldnt, leave her alone.

he knows the first responders wont get near them yet, he keeps BEGGING that someone does

and now for my final argument

the way he holds her hand by the ending before putting it back in place

NOW I REST MY CASE

[vaguesxrrow]

Hey, I already sent one request, so here's a second (your choice which you write first!)

Can I request a Dean Winchester x werewolf! Reader who can actually control when they turn? Like they could choose to turn to benefit a case whenever they want

The only downside of a full moon is that they turn like other werewolves, but atp reader is more annoyed than anything cuz they keep accidently ruining shirt with the claws or be unable to eat a regular midnight snack bc of the teeth

HII <33 i started with this one, because you definitely got me hooked on writing for dean and now im going through a phase LMAO

dean winchester / werewolf!reader

a/n: do i rmb what werewolves from spn are like? no. did that stop me? also no. (resilience, guys!!)

cws: swearing, mild violence, injury, and blood

wc: 982

tags: gender neutral reader, humour, a splash of sabriel, reader during their full moon shift is me on my period minus the pain and crying

"y'know, babe, this would be a really great time for you to wolf out," dean muttered, turning off the safety on his gun. both of you were hiding behind a stack of barrels, trying to avoid getting your asses handed to you again. your lower back was still sore from when you had been caught by surprise by a demon, and had been flung across the room like a rag doll.

you rolled your eyes at dean's suggestion, even as your pupils changed colour to a dark amber.

dean grinned at the sight, clapping you on the shoulder in glee. "hell yeah."

you bared your fangs at him.

"woah, my bad," he said, raising his hands in mock surrender. "save the rage for the demons we got coming."

"then let's go," you growled, fingers elongating into claws.

dean looked at you in awe as you stepped out, the slashing of flesh sounding immediately. "can't believe i'm dating them," he whispered. usually, it would be too quiet for you to hear, but now with your enhanced hearing, it was as if he was saying it right next to your ear. you smiled fondly as the first demon advanced.

dean joined you in taking down the remaining attackers, shooting the ones you couldn't take. soon enough, black smoke filled the air and the host bodies went limp, falling to the floor as the demons deserted them.

you shifted back, sharp claws and teeth retracting with minor pain. turning back and forth was easier now - you supposed it helped a great deal that you could actually control it, unlike the other werewolves you knew. practise made perfect, and you’d had many opportunities to practise, namely when saving dean (and sam) from getting killed. of course, you still shifted against your will every full moon, although even then you still had an impressive hold on your wolf.

"you good?" dean asked you, holding out a hand. you allowed him to tuck you underneath his arm as you made the walk back to the impala. you didn't miss the way his critical gaze scanned your body, looking for any injuries.

"back is killing me, but i'm fine,” you responded. “you?"

"busted lip that hurts like a motherfucker, but nothing worse."

"mm." you smiled. "does it hurt too much to give me a kiss?"

"never." he leaned in to give you a chaste peck, chuckling when he pulled away. "uh, you got a little blood-"

you licked it away, toothy grin emerging at dean's expression. "werewolf. i don't mind a little blood." you winked.

he shrugged in acceptance. "okay. hot."

you shoved him away, both of you laughing.

⌦ ----

as the sun set and the moon peeked over the horizon, you groaned, falling dramatically against the sofa cushions. sam and dean were already sat on the couch, fight club on the tv paused at the first frame, and they shot you sympathetic yet amused looks.

"i hate full moons," you complained, reaching for a piece of popcorn. "in a few hours, i won't even be able to eat this."

sam huffed. "honestly, i'm just glad that's the biggest of our problems whenever you shift. at least you don't go psycho on us."

you looked at him reproachfully, flashing your puppy dog eyes. "but popcorn."

he threw a piece at you.

"i'll feed you when you come looking for a midnight snack," dean supplied helpfully. you looked at him lovingly and 'aww'ed, blowing a kiss. he mimed catching it and pressed it to his lips, winking playfully.

sam fake gagged, standing up. "okay, this couple stuff is getting to me. call me when you actually start the movie!"

"as if you aren't as bad with gabriel!" dean yelled after him. you cackled as sam flipped the two of you off.

⌦ ---

you stumbled down the stairs, wincing as your claws scraped against the wood of the railing, undoubtedly leaving marks. your shirt was torn - a recurring accident that happened every full moon. you cursed aloud upon realising you had worn your most comfortable sleep shirt to bed.

once you reached your desired destination - your beloved kitchen - you stared reproachfully at the fridge, which was notably harder to open with your elongated nails.

"don't punch our fridge," a voice said sleepily.

you nearly jumped dean, arms raised, before realising it was him. "jesus effing christ," you hissed. "don't sneak up on me during full moons like that!"

dean merely yawned in response, opening the fridge door for you. he grabbed out various items, listing them as he went. "what're we feeling tonight? snickers, gummies.. aw, c'mon, sammy put pretzels in the fridge again?"

you snatched the pack of gummy bears from his hand, a single claw going right through the packet so it hung lamely from your finger. you sighed, sounding long-suffering and completely done. dean snorted, taking the bag back from you and ripping it properly.

"open," he instructed, throwing a gummy into your mouth. "loving the edgy, emo look, by the way." he gestured to your torn shirt.

"shut up, dean, you know this happens every time," you grumbled, chewing your snack more aggressively. suddenly, a fang pierced your lip, a small jolt of pain going through your body. "ow, shit." you brought your hand to your mouth.

"what happened?" dean asked in concern.

you showed him the blood on your fingers incredulously. "i split my lip with my fangs! are you kidding me right now?"

he visibly relaxed, relieved it wasn't serious. "more for me, i guess." he shrugged, obnoxiously chewing a piece. "mm, this is so good."

scowling, you dabbed the cut with your T-shirt, which was already ruined, so it didn’t matter. a smirk appeared on your face as you swatted dean, attempting to steal the bag from him. "dean, when i catch you-"

he dodged, fleeing to the living room. "nope!"

"oh, fucking hell-"

[aikoiya]

I just do not understand the insistence that animals must be sentient.

Because if they were, then why are the animals that kill other animals not labeled as murderers?

Hell, why aren't cats seen as malicious, mini, jigsaw killers considering how they play with their food. Why aren't ewes looked upon with disgust for often trampling orphaned lambs that a farmer tries to get them to adopt? Why aren't wolves seen as bullies for hunting in packs to kill prey? Why aren't dolphins more acknowledged for being effing rapists?

If you believe that animals are capable of reasoning, then that automatically makes all animals that eat meat into exactly what humans that eat meat are, thus they should be looked upon with every bit as much scorn as certain vegans look upon regular ass people. And it'd also mean that any animal that hunts is a murderer.

Hell, many animals are cannibals! In fact, plenty even eat the young of other animals or even their own young if they're so much as lacking in B12!

Literally! Mother hamsters are known to eat her own babies if she's put on an all-corn diet! They don't even have to be dying because of it!

You can't claim that animals are all sentient & then not hold them responsible for their actions! That's hypocritical! Because if these animals are sentient, then they are making the active decision to commit these actions & should be held acountable for them! Period!

Seriously, unless an animal is specifically an obligate herbivore, they will likely still eat meat given the chance!

And, whether you like it or not, animals are only as vegan as their options. As soon as times get tough for a deer, it's gonna be eyeing up any little Tweeties or Thumpers they come across. Same with horses, sheep, ect.

In fact, if animals are as deserving of life & respect as us, then doesn't that make having pets the same as slavery? And how do cat owners even justify feeding their pets? At least those that force their cats into a vegan lifestyle are being consistent even though they're abusing the poor things. Those cats aren't gonna live to be 10 years old on a diet like that & they'll be miserable the whole time.

Like, how do people twist their brains into so many directions just to justify their lifestyles??

Seriously, humans are so freaking unique within the animal kingdom. We are probably the only creatures who would do all this nonsense for the sake of critters that honestly don't give an eff.

Like, dude, whatever. You don't wanna eat meat, then don't. No skin off my brow. More brisket for me! But don't moralize your choice & don't demonize those who love a delicious steak.

Here's what some don't seem to understand; those animals are gonna die anyway, whether it's by the hand of man, a predator animal, sickness, or old age. Their days are numbered no matter what. And, quite frequently, they'll still get eaten. So, in the end, what's the difference if a sheep is eaten by a human or a buzzard or a coyote?

You didn't save that sheep's life. You only postponed the inevitable. Because if you're not the one who eats it, then someone or something else will. You cannot stop it.

And it's likely going to hurt regardless, so saying shit like "anything to reduce at least a little bit of the pain in the world" is just pure naiveté. You haven't reduced the pain in the world even a little. And in fact, considering how a lot of animals don't even care if their food is all-the-way dead as they're eating them, you could even say that that animal might end up experiencing even more pain than if they'd been killed by a human.

And that isn't even taking into account sickness or accidents! How do you know that that animal's last moments won't be spent in complete misery or abject fear??

Because one of the things about humans is that, for the most part, we prefer our food dead-dead before we eat it. And we intentionally go out of our ways to make death as painless a transition as possible, even for the animals we're gonna eat.

If we're gonna keep it 100, ya'll. Humans can be some of the gentlest, most merciful killers on earth.

Hell, we have laws against animal cruelty!

And, the thing is, animals... don't. Period. In fact, most don't make it to old age.

So, in the end, your efforts were meaningless.

[creamypudding]

The last time I talked on here about my weightloss journey was back in November last year. I figure it's time for an update.

A lot has changed for me since then regarding work, which has really ramped up the stress for me, and disrupted my routine completely.

But, I kept up my exercise. More than ever before do I see the benefit of exercising. When I don't do it I feel stress impact me more. I procrastinate, I feel stressed, I clench my teeth, I feel sluggish and tense. When I do spend time on myself in the mornings, I find I can deal with stress a lot better. I have more patience and I'm not storing tension in my body.

So I have enjoyed continuing my exercising.

But then winter came along, brought on a bout of sickness, and kicked my ass, and it's been a challenge getting my motivated mojo back. I've had a shoulder injury that I'm working with a physio to fix up. Though I can still use my legs, but any injury, no matter where on the body, can have a detrimental effect on motivation.

Another thing that's been a challenge is that I'm really getting into my fic writing. It hampers my motivation to do my regular exercise in the mornings, especially on the weekends. All I want to do in the quiet hours of the morning is to write my stories, because once I'm out of bed I know there won't be time to write anything until I get back into bed at the end of the day. And I'm no longer a night owl. It is rare that I am up at 10pm, let alone past 10 these days, so mornings is really where it's at for me.

Anyway, last time I spoke about my weightloss journey I was unsure how I would stop the weightloss and find a plateau, but I felt confident that I'd reach one eventually. And, well... I have.

It's funny how the body has a set point it just likes to be at. If 60kg (132.2lb) is where my body likes to be then I guess there it shall be. Though I'd still like to try and lose another 5k's just so I've got that safety net, as my body does not enjoy weighing very much over 60kgs.

My periods are a constant reminder of this fact. I can cruise through the menstrual cycle most of the time nowadays. Barely any pain or cramping before and during. But when I weigh more it's like my body has given up and is willing to put me through the wringer to remind me that I'm too heavy for my internal organs to be happy.

Anyway, I'm hopeful with the warmer weather. I keep reminding myself of how I enjoy exercising, and I try to promise and plan for myself to find time to write during the day on a weekend as compensation for not writing in the morning.

I just have to get back into that morning workout routine and I'll either start losing weight again, or continue to hold steady.

I'll check in after Christmas, as that is a time for weight spiking, but y'know what? You only live once, so enjoy it. I know I can trust myself to get back on the exercise bandwagon and get back to the weight I'm comfortable at should things start ticking up too drastically and consistently. The idea of my weight getting out of control again is one I'm really annoyed with. I just have to look at that graph I posted above to get mad at myself for having let that happen. I don't, and I won't let myself get back there because it truly was a hard, painful, awful slog getting back down to a decent weight for myself.

Still proud of myself. I did good. I will maintain.

[2-m0use]

Took my measurements just now, I think I'm gonna start doing this at the start of every month, just to see my progress bc why not

Ss of my measurements under the cut if you'd like to see 🤷‍♂️

also yapping under that. Like a huge rant about periods that probably didn't need to be that long but I'm autistic and need to present information as accurately as possible by giving as much context as possible. I'll make the important part a different color of you want to hear about it but aren't interested in all the details

Ok also I feel like I've been PMSing forever now? Like it's been a week, and usually, for me, my PMS lasts like 3 days (don't get jealous, my periods are typically 8 days..) but also I'm having some symptoms of my period? But also some of PMS. Like. Ok.

Usually, when I PMS, I get acne, I want to eat everything and crave carbs, I get super irritable and angry and am easily upset and sad, I lose motivation to do self care tasks like brushing my teeth (I always brush my teeth in the morning but I often skip or half ass at night, esp during pms) and washing my face (even though I should be washing my face more than ever at this stage) and I'm generally greasy and need to wash my hair more frequently

And on my period my skin Starts to clear so it's usually all good by the time my period is over, I lose my appetite and don't find most food appealing, I get depressed (like relapsing on sh basically every month, Really struggle with self care, cry every night about the state of the world, stay in bed all day bc I can't be bothered to do anything [I work later in the day so yes even when I work I stay in bed until like 3 pm]), and ofc cramps, and blood is a no brainer but it leads to a spike in my anemia and I really can't do shit without taking iron, even if I eat

But for most of this week I've had acne, which is getting worse I think? I've had some depression symptoms like a constant sense of hopelessness and lack of motivation for self care, but not others, like, I still get up when I feel fully awake and I'm cleaning the house*, I have no appetite and food is low key disinteresting (no complaints there!) And I've been SO greasy. I literally feel gross all the time, even if I've just showered

*I've been helping deep clean bc we have guests coming over for the holidays. I haven't been doing my "regular" chores bc I lose motivation, but taking my disability into account I'm working at the same capacity I usually do (I do a big task, I take a break "before doing the next thing" to ease my pain, and then I don't want to continue cleaning bc resting is nice)

I've had ghost periods before, where I get all the usual symptoms but no blood. I've even gotten them 3 months in a row before. But it's always with the rest of my regular set of symptoms (which used to be more obvious bc there was a bigger difference and my cramps used to be debilitating frfr)

But my main point in saying all of this is that I don't know when my period is coming or if it's coming/if it's just a ghost period, but I've had a stubborn pound of period weight and I can't seem to lose it! If I would just bleed, then I'd know when it's over with to check my "real" weight again, but if it's not coming this month then idk when to trust the scale again? I guess I should be grateful it's not 5lbs of period weight anymore, which was my usual fluctuation amount at my hw. Probably bc when I wanted to eat everything I just did.

[crowsbeak-cos]

Cosplans <3

NOT an exhaustive list, just ones I'm hoping to get started on soon! This will be a long one bear with me-

School Arc Sebastian

Do I know how I’m going to make any of this cosplay? No I do not but I have a few ideas. It’s obviously going to be very menswear-heavy, I know I’m for sure going to need to make the trousers and white button up with a store bought pattern. I may use a pattern intended for historical fashion, that way I can for sure get some of that Victorian silhouette in place (and potentially use them for a regular Sebastian cosplay). The long coat under the robe looks relatively simple, I think I’ll be able to pattern that out myself without too much difficulty- it’ll just mean I’m doing a lot of mockups. The outer robe is honestly super easy to do, I’ll probably be able to just make the pattern off my dad’s graduation robe (which I have, for some reason? I’m not complaining, makes my life easier). I do know I’m going to add in a fair amount of beading and potentially some embroidery, but I still need to decide exactly what- I do know I’ll be putting the sigil on the back of the outer robe and I’ll be embroidering it on the back of the gloves (it’ll be a pain in the ass but it’ll look so sick)!

Maomao and Jinshi (with etta_cosplay on instagram!!)

I’ll be cosplaying Maomao, and I have literally NO IDEA how to make any of what I need to make! I am absolutely a historical fashion nerd but I predominantly know about like. English and French fashion (especially if it’s the Victorian period) so I’d have to do a lot of research. I know a lot of folks who can help me out though (thank you historical reenactors <3)!! I do already have ideas for the shoot though… 

Lisa swallows

LISA MY BELOVED if you have not seen Lisa Frankenstein you need to go watch it immediately and liveblog the entire movie to me. This is a requirement. I’m so excited about this cosplay, I miraculously have the EXACT fabric her bolero is made out of so I actually have a chance of making this thing pretty screen accurate!! Thank god for that random thrifted dress I made a shirt out of.

Howl redo

Whoa Nico you mean the cosplay that took you like a year and a half to make and you still haven’t finished. That cosplay that you put so much work into. You’re going to sacrifice it to the scrap bin and then completely restart the entire thing? Yes. Unfortunately. I definitely did not have the skillset for it when I started it, so there’s just so many mistakes in the coat and I know I would not want to actually wear it. I am glad I did the work I did on it, I learned a ton of new skills that I use on a ton of other projects! Ultimately, it’s just not a cosplay I would be happy with even if I did finish it. The new plan is to essentially steal how etta_cosplay (on instagram, can you tell that I think she’s cool) made her diamonds and top stitch them down, then use a combo of beading and trim to cover the seams. Then obviously an ungodly amount of beading of random references to the book and the movie because I’m insane (dies badly). Ideally this will make the project much easier to do, and will make it a project I will actually finish!!

[widzi]

Having PCOS and Transitioning (ftm)

I've seen lots of things out there that document the general timeline of changes that one undergoes when taking testosterone, but for me there's a few things that I've already experienced due to having PCOS! I wanted to try and make my own post that documents my own changes, cuz I think it'll be interesting and maybe someone else will find it useful one day. Hopefully I'll remember to update this post as time goes on but, well, adhd lmao

Beginning stuff below

So! I have PCOS. that's Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome if you're unfamiliar. Not everything is known about PCOS yet, I've even seen an article that goes over how cis men can also have PCOS despite it being a condition "linked" to having ovaries. The range of symptoms are different for different people. Here are my main two:

Hirsutism: this is the Main main symptom for me. It's always been the most "obvious" red flag that might hormones might be out of wack. I have hair. Everywhere. Before I started testosterone I had hair on my face, but mostly only on my chin and neck.

Due to this, my doctor said that I'll most likely grow in more facial hair sooner than usual on the timeline of changes.

After being on T for a little over a month i can say that, yeah, I'm already seeing more hair growth. It's not growing in a lot of places, but it grows in thick now, not limited to just my chin and neck but has started on my cheeks too. I haven't really noticed a difference in my body hair though, but I've had body hair since puberty, so I'm not sure what else there is to change there.

Abnormal periods: this is where things start to get a little tmi lol so you have been warned. when I first started getting periods at puberty, they were a bit irregular, and very heavy and painful. When I was about 23(? I think) my periods started getting very irregular. I think my longest gap was like, 7 or 8 months with no period. When they hit, though. It would hurt like a motherfucker, and I would bleed very heavily. Then I started on birth control. This made my periods regular, which was a pain in the ass because my body was just naturally predisposed to no longer bleeding from my vag so like, why would I, bring it back. They would still be pretty heavy and painful, but only for the first couple of days, and then it would be very light to nothing at all for the rest of the week.

After being on T for a little over a month: I remember my first period after starting was a bit late by a day or two, but now with my most recent period it was almost a week off. I'm guessing this is a sign that my body is starting to get out of wack w my cycle again, so I wonder if I'll see an end to my periods a lot earlier on the timeline as well. I also noticed that, while my most recent period was still heavy, it was not as painful as my last one.

Things I haven't noticed yet! (But are probably happening i just dont know it yet):

Voice change

Body fat & muscle distribution

Bottom growth (but tbh I haven't. Like. Looked yet.)

Hair loss

And that's it for now! Hopefully I'll remember to update.

[the-rainbow-lesbian]

Trans women saying that they still want periods after seeing women discuss how awful conditions like endometriosis are and painful and tiring and sick periods make them reads like those people who want to be disabled for some reason.

I have pcos so I try my best to have my period as regular as possible even if getting your period sucks ass, one time I missed my period for 6 months and apparently that’s not healthy for you? but I have a female body and it’s natural to want my body to work in the healthiest way within its capabilities, but a man wanting a period is never not going to be weird and fetishistic. like I never hear women who needed their uterus removed for medical reasons missing their periods or smth because they know they are still female and they don’t have to compensate by pretending they get periods or saying they want them.

[gaybd1]

Major tmi below

Like almost nobody knows I’m not on T (people just assume it and I let them but tbh I still can’t figure out how to swing that in this country rip) so NOBODY knows I still have periods and actually I get so embarrassed by them I can’t even by pads, I just use nasty ass rags ugh anyway

I’m almost 29 years old and have never been to a gynecologist bc of major dysphoria and my periods have never been regular bc of PCOS I was diagnosed w as a teen but they’ve always felt totally normal physically but they’re starting to slowly get more painful and long story short I am SUFFERING today bc it just started

idk how ppl handle this shit

Anyway I can’t WAIT for testosterone and a hysterectomy somebody please organize all that for me lol we have universal healthcare

[nyxzee]

i debated putting this on my art blog but as a point i've been vocal about this shit since it happened and i'm still fucking livid about it all despite how fucking long ago it was. this is going to be linked in my pinned posts so as a heads up, warning for all types of abuse, self harm (including a detailed description), suicidal ideation, suicide attempts, overdose mentions, intense mental health shit, ableist narratives and gore along with mistreatment from the fandom

hi, i'm nyx, this blog used to be called emeridan and my old main was bardofmotherfuck - i was one of the gamzee fans who was sent gore, the wish i kill myself, and other abuse for identifying with gamzee. this wasn't a "oh lol funny clown he's goofy like me" i identify with him due to abuse trauma, due to being an addict and mentally ill. because i was hurt deeply by religion and losing my faith caused me to fall into bad fucking shit. to slightly minor extents i identify due to the friendship and romantic issues he had, fuck gamzee makara even had me, a then 20something realize i was bisexual and nonbinary! to a more intense one i identify with him because his agency was taken away and he was made a slave to other peoples horrific intentions - which isn't fun as i hope you'd imagine. i used to have a tag for the vent art i did involving the makara line (blood, gore, abuse all in this tag as you'd expect someone with severe trauma to have in vent art)

i'm not unique in this. there are a lot of gamzee fans who dealt with this. it was a huge fucking issue, it happened on msparp too, to the extent they posted about it happening because it was so fucking frequent. there are multiple gamzee fans i used to follow on tumblr who were sent the same and worse shit. i'm not mentioning them because even to the ones still into homestuck content, this shit was traumatic. i'm a petty bitch so as a protest i only drew gamzee for a while! (just in case these are the real time posts from my main: 1, 2), i have this account from 2015 here, i have this mentioned again here. this fandom abuse has been established well for me, it started 9 months into my homestuck art centric blog after all!

i'm still here in spite of people wanting me to kill myself. honestly despite being petty and boastful in still being here about it when it happened i wasn't actually feeling like that in real life. shocking i know. i had an intense cutting period due to it, i'm still scared of having my submit open, i still want to vomit whenever i get an email that anyone's sent me anything. i've seriously considered suicide a lotta times because i was so frequently told i was in the wrong, i've still got methods in mind and whenever i take my regular medication for the chronic pain shit i think things would be better if i flat out just took everything and didn't wake up ever again. a lotta it is real life trauma, but i used and still use homestuck (and especially gamzee) to help with that.

i talk about it whenever i see a brief chance to, i just haven't screamed loudly in a while that this abuse happened. i find screaming that i'm hurt exhausting and i'm still pretty sure someone will end up giving me shit - and for what i'm doing in this fucking post i'm damn fucking sure i've painted a target on myself again. but i don't care. i am who i am, i've been through all the shit life has thrown (and continues to throw) at me.

@ardenttheories posted a thing that includes a message i sent on twitter (on anon of course because i was scared) in this post here. blog's inactive, i dunno anything about ardent and that isn't the point of this. i'm just proving i've been here for a long fucking time and i've seen some fucking horrors. the message was one i sent on twitter and it looks like the op has deleted their account so i can't prove this but i think i've shown that this isn't a thing i've pulled outta my ass because i'm one of the bitter old fans who hates the current team and wants to lie to hurt them.

i actually don't know anyone aside from james roach being involved and the fact kate was asked to rejoin the team. this is mentioned here by sarah who, was in fact part of this problem but of course that doesn't matter because gamzee fans are pigshit (no tag because i don't wanna waste anything on that drivel!). here's a casual reminder of what exactly the pigshit comment is referring to.

i don't think the trauma of gamzee fans trumps the trauma the team got. trauma and fandom abuse is bad all round. it's not fun, it's gross and painful and people who send abuse are fucking monsters. however, the team was a big part in sending a giant fuck you to the trauma gamzee fans have gotten. that's what the problem is here, that's what this whole post has been leading to. i'm not writing this as a call to cancel homestuck^2 - i'm writing this because i want some acknowledgement on what happened to us. as i said, i'm still here despite the abuse, hopes i'd kill myself and the want to kill myself so i'm making a point of saying something.

the issues in the fandom of team members didn't start with the hs^2 team, it had a nice jumpstart from shelby cragg. i refuse to link any of the accounts who have posted accounts of this as i don't want to get people who dealt with her more stress and the only other person who mentions it isn't someone i want to link any traffic towards. google 'shelby cragg gamzee hate' and you'll find it. she used to tag horrific shit on gamzee fans artwork. fans who had in fact, been sent gore and harassment. she used to post about how great abusive ships were, how actual abuse victims (specifically the gamzee fan ones!) should feel about gam/rezi, how stupid gamzee fans were and directly bait and switch gamzee fans who she'd directly told to call her out if she fucked up by telling them they were random people who had no right to call her out. she had an abuse survivor friend so of course, the wrong abuse survivors didn't matter.

her co-authoring the serendipity gospels which while not official canon had become fandom canon. purples and teals of course work together on alternia after they grow up! gamzee was a total abusive nut case whose personality was either lol druggie or abusive monster and terezi was his victim, gamzee was a bunch of things in this fanfic and it's still looked to as the greatest fanfic in fandom history. as anything shelby touched involving gamzee his portrayal in it was racist, ableist and was always abusive in some way to any character he was placed with. i'm not here to talk about the person who wrote it with her or whatever work she's doing now with her non homestuck content. my point is the fanfiction was bad and it became fanon legend.

gamzee fans have been out crying that we have endured severe trauma that made us relate to gamzee. we weren't there for the ableist shit shelby made out of his character. there are different types of fans for his character, but i hope i've made a point that i'm referring to the people like me. the ones who were directly targeted because of our mental illnesses and abuse history. the ones who monsters wanted to kill.

homestuck proper ended on a bad note for gamzee fans. we had no conclusion, we had nothing. in the end after everything we were left with absolutely nothing but people filling in the blanks to say we likely deserved it because we liked this fucking awful clown. we got nothing for what happened to us. we just had to blindly accept we were hated and people wanted us dead for identifying with a fictional character.

then the epilogue's happened. then homestuck^2. then pesterquest. it bought this hate for us back front and center. the team hated us, hated a character who helped us get through shit no one should have had to endure.

like shelby did, they brutalized his character, and i'm damn fucking sure those cunts know what happened to us. we screamed, and screamed and SCREAMED that we were suffering but they boiled it down to "oh they just like that abusive man! let me make him more abusive" - the portrayal of gamzee in the new work is nothing but someone constantly spitting in our faces. the album of the team's string of bullshit should give you an idea on how the rest of this is gonna go.

the epilogue portrayal of gamzee went into the shit we'd had enough already, it turned a character who helped people cope become a gross dystopian version of our fucking abusers!!! the shit we'd endured from the fandom and our real life trauma was the butt of every fucking joke. there was no conclusion to his actual arc in it, there was no happy resolution for us, but there was a shout out to us. we got our moment of acknowledgment! they turned something that had helped real life abuse survivors, mentally ill people, addicts and victims of religious trauma - a fictional character who people wanted us dead over - into our abusers, into the worst things we'd dealt with, into a fucking mockery of our abuse. ALL of our abuse. all of our trauma. all we'd been through.

homestuck^2 did this further. they were parading the mockery of our abuse to the fullest extent they could think to do. i couldn't get past gamzee's death. but i know they've continued to hate us. i know they can't wait for us to end up killing ourselves so they can piss on our graves.

i have a review of pesterquest here, it's not complete. i couldn't finish the game fully. rose's story caused a self harm relapse and a huge hope i'd be brave enough to take the fucking overdose and end it all. i didn't go into how much gamzee's route broke me. i couldn't. i gained something outta it though! my left pinky and index fingers often lose feeling and i'm unable to use them unless i rigorously shake my hand for five minutes because i burnt my arm as badly as i could. i have cigarette burns all over my wrist, it looks like an octopus scarred me with every arm of its on one side and like someone made an attempt to burn down to my bone with something far bigger than a cigarette on the other. it wasn't something other than a cigarette, but it was a few cigarettes in the same spot. it was burning until i snuffed it out, relighting and burning down again until i'd finished the cigarette, lighting another and repeating. i did this until i felt like i'd earned my right to be alive again.

i need you to understand i'm disabled due to severe pain. i have fibromyalgia that was undiagnosed and untreated since i was 15. i'm 30 now. i've been suffering chronic headaches since i was 11. i've had my lip ripped open. i have ganglion cysts that make bending my wrist in the slightest hurt. i tore both rotator cuffs severely 10 years ago, my wrists are hypermobile and hurt constantly. my dominant arm sufferers from tendonitis. my jaw is so fucked i can't open it fully some days and it always makes a horrific pop outta alignment when i yawn. i've spent at least 10 years sleeping on a couch instead of on a bed as i either didn't have a bed or the one i had was so busted it made sleep impossible, as such my back and neck are a fucking nightmare stream of nonstop pain. i have back trauma from a car accident as a kid. i've strangled myself a few times with cords to try numb the pain out, i've been physically abused to the point i nearly died, i've been sexually assaulted multiple times, i've been violently ill from attempted overdoses or allergies. my point is, i know pain. it's the oldest companion i have and i'm tired of having it.

the continued burning i did to myself from that night however, surpassed any of those individual incidents. it eclipsed the regular intense agony i'm in daily for a solid month. the emotional turmoil of a life like mine had led to this. i'd found fiction to hide in, i'd found a character who so perfectly captured all of this trauma, all of this pain, all of this shit i've had to fucking deal with. i've had people try and take him away, i've had monsters try and get me to take the plunge and kill myself. i thought i was largely numb to bad gamzee interpretation and could move past all this hurt. it turns out i wasn't numb and this shit would continue to hurt. but it wasn't just a random ignorant idiot this time round, it was official. it was the team digging my grave and getting ready to throw shit on top of my corpse. that hurts in a unique way.

i don't do homestuck^2 now or ever. i refuse to finish pesterquest. i do my best to ignore the additional trauma the original team was aiming for. i viciously ignore and deny the shit they pull now. i quietly hiss to friends that some disgusting and ignorant cunt said the dumbest fucking shit that makes me want to scream until my vocal cords snap. i see the odd snapshot of what mutilation is happening to a comic that frankly saved my life in so many ways. i don't look in the gamzee tag as someone will have tagged the mutilated hs^2 version in there and that will do nothing but hurt. i don't enjoy being irritated by the snapshots i've seen. i want noting more than a fucking retcon where hs^2 and pesterquest are removed and we were left with the snapchat panels as the finale of homestuck.

in a more petty sense i want a personalized apology from everyone involved in the project, tattoo "i'm a dumb cunt" to their forehead, write an essay as long as homestuck's entire transcript about why they're sorry for what they did. i want the fans who rejoice in the mangled mess that gamzee is in hs^2 to shut the fuck up and delete their blogs. i want the amount of money the kickstarter for hiveswap raised deposited into my paypal account weekly. i want my therapy sessions paid for until i die. i want them to pay for private health care so i can stop physically hurting. what i want is illogical and those are frivolous things off the top of my head. they're stupid and petty and a complete fantasy.

what i really want though, is something that seems like it's a million times more impossible than a weekly deposit of $2485506. i want some fucking acknowledgment of this shit having happened. i've laid out my personal history with this shit, but it's not a personal "here's the essay nyx wrote about how much gamzee hate has fucked them up - it's totally worse than what the homestuck^2 team went through - gamzee hate is a bannable offense as such on every site due to it" that i want. i've burnt down to my bones on how much this shit has hurt me and in truth, i think i'm largely writing this for myself so i can at least say i said something. i wasn't a coward. i stood up and shouted at the void that gamzee fans have been badly abused.

the truth is: i want the abuse gamzee fans went through, the harassment, the gore, the threats and the physical abuse some of us have endured recognized. i'm not trying to overshadow the harassment the team got. but i'm saying the personalized attacks on us were unjustified. the mockery of the abuse we received from real life abusers and the abuse we were sent online for liking gamzee makara. they knew what they were doing. they did it to mock us. they did it to hurt us because we were the wrong kinda victim. we weren't their warped view of the canon and we interpreted, saw, identified, found comfort and loved a character who they disliked. our real life trauma and circumstance wasn't what they saw in gamzee and we had the fucking nerve to see ourselves in a character who can't be replicated in any other media. we were the ones in the wrong. we're the wrong victims. the wrong fans. the pigshit.

i've been writing this for over four hours now and i think i've exhausted how much i can say this stuff. it's been painful and i've ripped myself open to say this all but i think i'm doing the right thing. i'll second guess my way for the rest of my life, i'll overthink everything i do every time because i'm the wrong sorta victim. overall, in a sense i don't care anymore. i'm not numb by any means, i'm not saying i don't care as a bravado this time. i'm saying that i'm not letting you motherfucking cunts put me in the darkest place i've ever fucking been again. i'm not relapsing and losing more use of my hand. i know what kind of people the team are, i know the ignorance and venomous victim blaming and hate in people who hate gamzee fans. over all my final point is this:

it's unfair. why was this shit justifiable. why do we get ignored when we're hurt severely. why don't we matter. why can't our method of coping with homestuck be accepted like everyone else's. why are we the wrong ones. why did we deserve this. why was the fandom abuse towards us a good funny thing.

why the fuck do you hate us so much?