#as ive learned that is not what happened
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had to get blood work today and I almost passed out 👍
#this happened last time too but that time I thought she hit a nerve#as ive learned that is not what happened#its genuinely such a terrifying experience i felt bad for the lab techs#luckily from the results i have so far I am a perfectly healthy boy so I will probably be allowed to take Skyrizi(tm)#my blood sugar said high and i panicked but then I looked it up and the level I had was normal for someone who had eaten an hour prior
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mmmmmm read a disciple shen yuan/shizun luo binghe fanfic about two days ago where the first chapter was the Immortal Conference arc, and SQQ was the one who had to be pushed into the abyss (he was still the villain) except Luo Binghe was refusing and was like, lowkey losing his mind about SQQ being so close to the edge. SQQ ended up having to be the one to fall in himself because of the system's punishment system. The rest of the fic is leading up to that moment. But like, MMM i've been obsessively thinking about that first chapter for DAYS ever since.
now i've been in svsss for a grand total of *checks watch* a week. but god obsessed with that. I want to write/read a fic where disciple SQQ goes a little nuts down there. Like keep all of the things that make SQQ, SQQ, but just. Throw in a little bit more trauma in there. A little bit of a mental break. Let him go a little nuts as a treat. Just a tad unhinged. I wanna see him go, just a little, "god fuck it, i've tried so hard to change this shitty story's outcome and it feels like everything i've done has been for nothing. I'm going to die in this world no matter what I do, I've been doomed from the start, so might as well die the way I want to." and he just, breaks a little! Under all the stress.
He still retains the traits that makes shen yuan, shen yuan, like his overwhelming kindness. But he's just! yk. A little less patient. Paranoid. Jumpy. Colder. A little more aloof and closed off. A little more Shen Jiu. He's no asshole child abuser, but he was a Number One Hater in his past life and he's leaning into that old habit a little more now.
(On a totally coincidental not-at-all related note, there's not enough SJ-and-SY-are-the-same-people fics out there that i've found. This is totally unrelated...)
The Endless Abyss turns the mind into an over-sharpened blade, and SQQ is both fascinated and perhaps a little excited to explore a place that doesn't have a lot of info on it in the mortal realm, but still terrified out of his mind. And he's no Luo Binghe, he doesn't have the sheer brute strength and power to just bulldoze his way through, so he has to be a lot more sneaky and cunning if he wants to survive.
The fic itself role-swapped LBH and SQQ so that SQQ was the half-demon (which lowkey fucks) and LBH the human, but I'm equally-if-not-more obsessed with the idea that LBH remains the half-heavenly demon and SQQ the human. If only because I keep thinking about SQQ befriending some demons (particularly and specifically a group of succubi) and they grow very attached to this Human Cultivator so through magic plot stuff they create some kind of seal/illusion/talisman that makes SQQ appear as a demon because a human cultivator in the endless abyss may as well be the equivalent of putting a giant neon target on your back.
And iirc Shen Jiu was taught demonic cultivation by that one guy(?? i've only been here a week so im not caught up in ALL of the lore yet) so that could totally happen here.
(On the other end of the realms, poor Shizun Luo Binghe is just. losing his fucking mind over losing his most precious and beloved disciple. About .5 seconds from burning down the peaks himself. somebody sedate him.)
The Endless Abyss sucks and SQQ is having a really terrible time and can feel himself going lowkey mad, but also holy shit look at all this WORLD-BUILDING. look at all this flora and fauna, and oh if he had the equipment for it he'd be writing all of this down. ALL OF IT. He was kinda-sorta-already planning on never leaving the Abyss as some sort of fucked up self-exile and self-preservation thing, but now he might? actually just?? never leave if he can help it, like he lowkey likes it down here.
anyways the next time anyone ever sees SQQ again he's got hair so long its almost touching the ground and he's either in rags and half-feral or he's been completely dolled up by his adoptive succubi sisters and still about three seconds from biting anyone who tries to touch him. (he's also lowkey trying to book it back down to the abyss even if he has desperately missed all of his friends and shizun)
#mxtx svsss#svsss au#scum villian self saving system#shen qingqiu#shen yuan#luo binghe#disciple shen yuan#scum villain#svsss#*points at SQQ/SY* i want him to go nuts. as a treat. let him crumble just a little over the stress of his fate and the stress of survival#and the stress of having a lack of autonomy over a handful of his decisions. starry craves angst and she craves a very specific SQQ angst#he was a number 1 hater back in the day and lbr being a hater takes energyyyy. ive heard that this man was the BIGGEST hater i wanna#see him rip a man to shreds with nothing but his tongue and a voice that could cut marble clean in half. skin a man alive sqq you deserve i#*mortal kombat voice* FINISH HIM#i love without-a-cure but unfortunately i dont think SQQ would be able to have WAC and also survive in the abyss.#the succubi nest that adopted him tried seducing him at first. it didn't work. but he did somehow charm them with his cringefail ways#so now they have a brand new mortal big/little brother to dote on. SQQ is frankly delighted to learn all about succubi culture that doesnt#revolve around sex. he makes quite a few friends/allies in the abyss because of his pure fascination and unbiased desire to learn about#demonic culture and all the different niches and nuances of it across species. he's still going insane tho. like that's not stopping.#there's a single LBH pov chapter in the fic and its frankly so unhinged it was fantastic. he's so possessive. he straight up goes:#'oh SQQ isnt gonna be the next peak lord. he's ascending to heaven with me when i do :)' when Sha Hualing (also peak lord) told him that he#couldn't keep his disciple in the bamboo house all the time. what was SQQ gonna do when LBH ascends and he becomes the new peak lord?#gosh that first chapter is rotating around in my mind so bad. LBH was SO unwell. like losing his actual shit over SQQ near the edge.#i so want to write a oneshot abt this where SQQ is also in hysterics (albeit over slightly diff reasons) and tells LBH on his knees:#'this disciple deeply apologizes to his shizun. for he will not be ascending to the heavens with him.' right before he falls into the abyss#this au being disciple SY is for shits and giggles but i can also see it happening for regular SQQ bc 'fuck it im a dead man either way'#frothing at the mouth at this idea also being a SY-is-SJ au too. for the extra angst of SQQ trying to bear the weight of multiple lives on#his shoulders and trying to figure out what is real and what isn't and if he's meant to suffer in all of his lives no matter what he does.#not once in his life has he ever been free to do what he likes has he? self-hatred to the max. he's going mad. poor boy :]
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sellllllll it's meeeeee. hehehehehehehehehhehe
so for ur writing exercises.... deku + light? please? pretty please?
:3c
heheh heheh hehe niku. this will be the death of me. me writing izuku for the first time 🥲 i will only do this for you </3
contains: established relationship, spoilers for the end of the manga, aged up deku but sometime in between the final outcome (he doesn't get the h*** s*** from bakugo yet), mentions of sex and scars
deku + light
izuku only sleeps with the lights off.
it isn't uncommon; many people you know can't sleep with even just a sliver of light turned on somewhere in the room. but the difference with izuku, you learn, is not that he's unable to stand the light―it's that he refuses to.
you quickly pick up on it the first few times he sleeps over.
he fidgets in bed, pretty badly, actually. the nightlight you sleep with glows a warm yellow, illuminating the side of your face and coating him in its afterglow. you chalk it up to nerves, how he pulls at his sleeves and adjusts his position constantly; he is, after all, one of the most anxious people you know.
and this relationship―it's new. heck, even you feel a little jittery with his arm wrapped around you.
the rhythmic tapping on your hip only increases pace. you don't think he realizes it, so your hand gently reaches for his, intertwining your fingers as you turn around in his arms.
he's close, nearly touching you nose-to-nose; the proximity leaves you fuzzy, a little ticklish, so you giggle, a soft "oops," as the freckles dusting his face almost glisten under the warm light.
"hi," you whisper, meeting his eyes; they stare back at you wide in surprise, "can't sleep?"
he looks almost guilty at your question, as if you’ve caught him with the one thing he's been trying to keep from you.
"just—" his voice comes out louder than intended, prompting him to chuckle nervously as he readjusts his volume, "just winding down, sorry."
you inch closer, nuzzling his nose lightly, "it's okay."
"did i wake you?" he asks, cheeks flushing pink as his eyebrows furrow in immediate concern. his expression is something caught between stifling a grin and feeling sorry.
you shake your head against the pillow you share, strands of your hair tangling with his. "just winding down," you tease, watching as his gaze turns softer, eyelids drooping heavier.
sometimes, you think, izuku holds the world in his eyes―a deep, dark green, the color of life. most times, they look at you with wonderment, bright and alive; photos from inko tell you they're the eyes of his inner child.
on nights like this one, however, they hide a depth in them weighted by what you can only assume is time, and all that has happened to him in such a short span of it.
you try your best to understand what lies beneath them, knowing full well he'll never tell you outright what truly bothers him.
"is it the light?" you bring up, some time after laying in silence.
"hm?" he clarifies.
"do you have a hard time sleeping with the nightlight?"
his eyes widen briefly once more, as if shocked that you've caught him again. these split second reactions are ones you've learned to be attentive to when it comes to izuku.
"no," he tries to lie, but you know better as you turn to your nightstand and reach for its switch, "you don't–"
"it was hurting my eyes," you quickly make up an excuse, tucking yourself closer under his chin as you cut off his attempt to deny it again.
finding out that the light was the problem was the easy part—
you'd begun to notice much earlier on that izuku was barely rested on the nights he'd spend at your place. it was only when your old nightlight broke that you began to notice him waking up much later than you did, groggily rousing from a deep sleep.
—what was hard, was figuring out why.
at first, you suspected it was his scars.
"s-sorry, it's not—" he'd warned you, right as your hands gripped the hem of his shirt the first time you were about to have sex, "—it's not nice."
you didn't care though; you still don't care, and you've made that abundantly clear to him since. you love izuku and all his parts―all the nicks and jaggedy pieces of skin that make up who he is.
when you eventually ask him about it, with a request that he be honest with you for once, he tells you that it is and it isn't―the reason why he exclusively sleeps with the lights off, that is.
it's an odd, comforting relationship he has with his body—that he is simultaneously grateful and sorry for how its become a canvas, both painted and marred to symbolize japan’s historic last stand.
you find out the real reason when you catch him staring at his hands.
he does it often, when he thinks you aren't looking—his fists bunched up in the same way he used to watch the power of one for all course through his fingertips; the same way he used to prepare them in battle.
there’s a faraway look in his eyes that lingers, you notice—a little wistful if anything.
“do you miss it?” you finally ask. he gives you the same shocked look he does every time, as if he’s been caught with a secret he’s been trying to hide.
he’s learned a fair bit about you now, too, though—lying to you is futile when you’ve perfected reading his truth. he stares at his fists again as you take a seat beside him, moving to give you space. you rest your head on his shoulder gently, waiting.
“sometimes,” he admits, but you know it’s an understatement.
“i think about the vestiges a lot. i miss them the most, i think,” he continues, clenching his fists tightly, “i always try to reach out to them, but i guess it doesn’t work that way.”
“i… i try to replicate the right conditions every night, but…” then he lets go, stretching his fingers out wide. the scars on the surface ripple through his skin, telling its own story.
you hum, acknowledging what he means. silence sits with the two of you as you take his hand in yours, slowly unfurling his fingers until his palm reveals itself to you. it’s rough to the touch, seasoned with hard work and all that he’s been through.
“is that why you prefer the dark?” you ask softly, after some time.
it's not often that you stay up later than izuku does. when you do though, you catch him shifting in bed, moving from side-to-side. you pretend you aren't awake, but you hear him mumble their names, dwindling in volume as he dozes off to sleep.
he stares at his palm for a moment before he admits quietly, "yeah." his brows furrow as if contemplating whether to say more, but he shakes his head, dark green strands swaying to the beat of his embarrassed chuckle, "nevermind, it's silly."
"it's not."
you intertwine your fingers, sandwiching his hand between yours. a slight sheen glosses over his eyes as he tilts his head up to look at you. he draws in a breath, before it spills over.
"it's..." he finds the words, and you squeeze his hand in comfort, "it's easier to believe it was all real when the lights are out, and that maybe it can happen again."
#deku x reader#izuku x reader#midoriya x reader#bnha x reader#shotorus.workbook#it is here ! the first time ive ever written izuku ! i hope u like it niku !#idt i'll ever feel like anything i write of him will be enough but i tried !#SPOILERS FOR MANGA ENDING PLS DONT READ AHEAD#some stuff abt the blurb: i see this happening in the time between him losing ofa and before getting the suit from bakugo#so somewhere between when hes teaching#and i think its a lot of complex feelings ― he's happy he did what he had to do but is also mourning the loss of something he once had#i don't think i can ever convey that feeling fully but i hope i at least managed to touch on it here with him !#i see this as like . the period in his life where he's transitioning out of something he once knew into smth else entirely#i also hc reader to be his colleague (like a teacher or smth) but anyone closely related to the job would work !#really just someone who has a base level understanding of what he went through but doesnt know everything#which is why they're still trying to learn all these things abt him and read him better#and also why he tries to hide a lot of things from them still / is hesitant to share in fear of scaring them away smth like that !#thats all i can think of for now but ill let u know if i have other thoughts on this later on ! hehe#hope u enjoy niku !#ask#rep#ask game answered#most nervewracking experience of my LIFE writing him#stellamancer#niku.🥩
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Time and Time Again comes back tonight!
Thank you all for being so patient with me, I know it was a long hiatus.
My health was struggling, my arm was (is) hurting, and I decided it wasn't worth it. I'd rather be slow!
So thank you for giving me that grace, and I hope you'll be there with me for the rest of the series.
#like straight up. it's not worth it. idc how many people get mad at me#i would rather work fuckin. anything else than maintain this impossible schedule and keep hurting myself#if thats what it takes to do comics full time. then i can't do comics full time. simple as that!#i hope that for my next work i can have a healthier schedule and still make this work as my job#but if not. I'm never going back#i can't do it. 3 more years at this pace will take my ability to draw#anyways. its really good!!!#like genuinely i can feel a marked improvement in my skills#which is WILD!!! And I'm extremely happy about that!!!#just one more step into being better built to give people the quality stories they deserve.#ive not properly had the fire under my ass to finish stuff up but. its fine.#like i said? not worth it.#if i have to pause again then ill pause again. like i literally simply can not my body can't handle it#so. hopefully stuff goes smoothly but whatever happens will happen#whatever will be will be#i keep getting distracted lmfao#im excited about it coming back#and also. will. probably be distracting myself...#other creators dont read their comments. I'm like straight up not capable of that LMAOOO#i check for comments like all the time#love seeing em. love reading people's thoughts about my work#it makes me a better writer and keeps me connected to what matters most. which is my audience!#so i dont regret doing that but also. jts extremely distracting#i get straight up nothing done on big update days#cause im in the comments absolutely massive eyed refreshing.#this sounds obsessive. and it is. no jk#its just fun and keeps me in touch w peoples perception which helps me learn to write better#plus people are nice and ask me questions that i wanna answer#or if someone is being an ass. then i wanna tell them to leave (cause i cant block people) cause i consider it my responsibility#time and time again
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i have been trying to figure out why the whole 'fae god' and katniss everdeen things with kendrick lamar on here were bothering me, and i think i finally put it into words.
most posts like that are probably coming from well-meaning white people (i am also partially a White People, to be clear), who otherwise dont really listen to rap. they cannot find a way to 'relate' to this black man who sings largely about issues that affect the black community– and rather than try and meet him where he is, they have to fit him into these little tumblr cultural boxes before he can be 'palatable' to them.
they have to shave off the rougher/more abrasive aspects of his work and activism because it makes them uncomfortable, that way they can pigeonhole him into something that allows them to enjoy his work without the critical analysis that MUST come with it
he is not your fae god, he is not a YA protagonist, he is not a little gremlin or a cinnamon roll or a blorbo. He is a human being with opinions and beliefs that deeply permeate his work, and to ignore that truth is to ignore the entire point. PLEASE try to engage with artists' work outside of the lens of tumblr fandom, and i mean that as nicely as possible. you are doing YOURSELF a disservice
#kendrick lamar#to clarify#i am a white person that isnt super familiar with rap culture as a whole#but thats more because im like that with literally every musician#half the time i can barely even name the lead singers of some of my favorite bands#i also only really learned of kendrick through the context of the disses he released last year#but the way people were reacting had me incredibly intrigued#so i DUG. i watched reaction videos. i watched people dissect the lyrics and explain#i watched FD signifiers breakdown of the whole history of the beef#and because of that ive been following the story as it developed#because i find kendricks cultural influence astonishing#and it makes me sad to see people just. ignore the history and culture of the conflict#while claiming to be invested in whats happening
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reposting some old doodles i still enjoy a bit
#a doodley#guys im having realizations i dont really know what to do with#ive said this tons before but my main issue with art rn is like#i Know anatomy. and what it's Meant to look like. my issue is straying away from Correct and going with Good like how some of my stuff was#before i really started learning. loose and not restricted#but my obstacle is that nobody draws the way i want to draw. and im bad at coming up with my own stuff...i need to copy and osmose off#someone else. well. it turns out there is someone who draws the way i draw. and its cheye of the past.#dont get me wrong if i look thru the rest of the art in the (year) folder these came from; 80% of it sucks#i wish i cld have what past cheye had but with current cheye tweaks and refinement#but idk how to do that. something weird has happened to my mind i really cant envision and make art the same way anymore#idk how he did it back then....i wish i Knew bc current me cant make anything out of sketching or thumbnails or just going at it#arghhh#i try and force myself to draw stuff like this now (interactions) and it looks. so stiff. and bad proportion wise but idk how to fix it#which isnt to say the proportions (for example) in THESE drawings are perfect but they dont scream Wrong or Bad or Incorrect to me ykwim...#idk! idk what to do with this. ive never known how to go back and study my own stuff
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hello! how do you find consistent friends in fandom? as in, how do you find people who stick with you through different fandoms and listen and read your work. also, how long have you been writing for and how long did it take you to get so good at writing and character analysis.... your work is such an inspiration to me, genuinely one of my top 3 authors across ao3. i hope the writing goes well!
hey! this is really sweet, thank you very much for your lovely kind words. 💖
re: friendship: i don't mean to be a downer about this so i hope it doesn't come across this way, but i do think the concept of friends where you follow each other through all your fandoms and continue to read each other's work etc kind of... either doesn't exist or is just a rare phenomenon and not a 'type' of friend per se more than it is something that just happens out of luck. i am lucky enough to have friendships which have persisted through all of us changing fandoms, but the reason those friendships last is actually because we found connections that went beyond common interests. i think sharing a fandom/interest is great as an initial point of connection and a way to meet, but for a relationship to last, you need to have a deeper bond than both being into the same thing--so contrary to what you've asked about (oops sorry) those friendships im speaking of only last because we didn't follow each other into different fandoms, really. we didn't have to. along the same vein, i'd respectfully argue that it wouldn't be productive or fair of me to group 'reading my work' in as an element of friendship, so to speak--i definitely don't expect my friends to read my fic and vice versa, we all understand that we can support each other in our creative pursuits and lives in general / in the abstract without needing to be a fan of the same things or even necessarily being fans of each other's work (although of course it's always nice). i know this doesn't really answer your specific question but i hope it doesn't come across as pessimistic as it might sound. i truly and genuinely believe it's a positive thing that the idealised friendgroup traipsing through fandoms together doesn't really exist (or if it does exist, it's luck and not something to shoot for in itself), because this just tells me to look out for these great opportunities to form bonds that last beyond superficial interests.
in terms of how to make those friendships to begin with, im honestly even less help. my friendships kind of just happened to me. im actually quite terrible at reaching out to people and i am notoriously difficult to reach myself hahaha so honestly all the credit for my friendships goes to my friends for being patient and sticking with me despite that. i am honestly just very lucky in that i've been able to talk out loud into the void and have had wonderful people reach out to me because of it, but that's hardly a reliable strategy... i guess i'd encourage you to be more like my friends, who are the anime protagonists wielding the power of friendship to my prickly antagonist, or whatever. oh another thing to remember i guess is that some friendships just don't last this way and will stay within fandoms and may peter out, and that's ok. i don't consider those relationships less real or valuable for being less lasting.
re: writing: i want to caveat that i don't think i'm fairly able to say (or comfortable saying) that i'm particularly good at writing or character analysis, certainly not to an extent that i'd be willing to hold myself up as an example of it, but i really appreciate that you feel that way about my work and am incredibly honoured to be considered an inspiration in any capacity!!
with that disclaimer made, i'll do my best to answer for whatever it's worth. i've liked writing ever since i was a very little kid, but i will credit any actual progress i've made in developing the skill to writing fanfic because i think that being able to focus on building character and logical flow in plot progression over other things like creating characters, worldbuilding, inventing plots wholesale, etc--which has allowed me to sort of expedite those skills in particular and which i think are helpful in writing more broadly. (this also answers the 'character analysis' part specifically--when you don't have to/get to invent a character, you have to spend more time taking them apart.) anyway, i started writing fic about twelve or thirteen years ago, and there have been periods within that where i've progressed faster or slower depending what's going on in my life haha. i do think time played a massive role in any skill developments i've made, but i also know people take less time or more time to make similar progress (caveat again: progression is subjective, this is very approximate), so i think the other key ingredient besides time is engagement. if it's helpful, i went into that a little bit more here, but as stated i have a lot more to learn and would never present myself as an expert lol
#asks#sorry god i dont know if this is remotely helpful. probably not.#i dont know how to express in a measured way that im possibly the worst and least helpful person to ask about friendship#im very 'tch... friends... what the hell is up with that shit...' and then my beloved friends go 'ok dude' and care abt me anyway#so. i am sorry. im very little help on this front. ive learned a lot about 'friendship' in the abstract FROM my friends but#very little about how to MAKE friends like on purpose because my friends just kind of happened to me. because im lucky?#but i will say the perspective ive gained on friendship and what one can realistically expect from it has been very valuable#and has led me to value my friendships even more#anyway... tch... friendship... what the hell is up with that sh#rookthots#hi my friends reading this i love you
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ok i may make a longer/better post depending on what happens in tomorrow's chapter but i want to get this bit out before then:
i think fyodor is heading back to france to get sigma
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/cb2f18cc855226d41a43cc252bbfc952/01ff02d9c14e908f-c9/s540x810/ee08c3ef07e9b6e86c711c1683d5ddb56235ef16.jpg)
"ultra high speed aircraft" for what. for what else other than to go back to france and get sigma.
fukuzawa says fyodor will use it to escape and hide away while the rest of the world has its war, and fyodor himself does say it's time for him to go sleep but. hes gotta go back for sigma first.
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/3783b7564c9cc9a5530f02baad612b29/01ff02d9c14e908f-8f/s540x810/7ed39b1ab4ba55019ed032bbba7f81653da25659.jpg)
at first i was confused because fyodor never seemed to get the book? like he said he was trying to? and then he was getting fast airplane which would be unneeded for book-searching because he's already in yokohama but... im sure things will make sense eventually. and-
fyodor is a known liar and gaslighter and sadistic tease. we must remember this when analyzing his character. like so:
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/9e7d7002ef04abc4fd805db0cfc7e5c7/01ff02d9c14e908f-b7/s540x810/1ea7ccc5ff682b5c2edbdd61072fc033c342489f.jpg)
asagiri has implied sigma's character is very important in some interviews. no way he isn't opening his eyes again. and fyodor is known liar so he could definitely be just saying this to divert attention from sigma so none of his secrets get out.
although we don't know the full scope of fyodor's ideas and plans, sigma does. and if the ada has any chance of defeating fyodor once and for all, they would likely need sigma.
fyodor may have created gozen and planted all the seeds for his war, but he needs to tie up all loose ends. which includes sigma.
this is risky though!! because dazai and chuuya have discovered "fyodor's" dead body and with their intelligence they could at least determine that that's a result of fyodor's true ability and that dazai is the one who needs to kill fyodor once and for all.
and where is dazai? meursault. and where is sigma- fyodor's last loose end-? meursault. going back to get sigma is risky.
i don't think fyodor will get to france in tomorrow's chapter, given that last chapter was left off with fyodor standing between 2 gozens and atsushi about to attack to get the page he supposedly has (i dont think he has a page).
it's also important to note that we haven't seen atsushi and akutugawa's exchange from the anime cliffhanger. that scene had 1 gozen and just atsushi and aku focused on that gozen. it seems fyodor will be gone by then. so he will at least get on the plane soon.
though also bones likes to change stuff from the manga so i cant make any solid predictions regarding that >:(
ANYWAYS i dont think we'll see sigma in the next chapter, and we won't see him until fyodor goes to pick him up or asagiri gives us more fyodor backstory through sigma's ability. but i do think fyodor will be heading to france, and relatively soon.
tl;dr sigma is sleeping and fyodor says he's gonna sleep too so he's going back to france to get sigma for a sleepover
#this got longer than i thought it would#ive been thinking about this for months btw and i just want to get this out so if it does happen i can say i called it#i can't wait until fyodor and dazai face off again#i can't wait until we see sigma again and see what effect fyodor's secrets has had upon his personality and opinions#i can't wait to see what kolya does when he learns fyodor is alive#i have many thoughts but only was able to finally write this down because i'm procrastinating on textbook notetaking#bsd#bsd 121#bsd theory#fyodor dostoevsky bsd#sigma bsd
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Keira Metz | A Favor for a Friend
#the witcher#the witcher 3#tw3#the witcher 3 wild hunt#keira metz#tw3edit#gamingedit#vgedit#videogameedit#dailygaming#tuserhev#usershellib#my edits#my post#idk why its so grainy either sjshdhd i did my best w sharpening and de noising 😂#the preview of it is crisp as hell too idk what happened but. i spent all morning on it and this is the best ive got so#👍#i gotta learn more tools of the trade honestly. and maybe stop using photopea because of my personal beef w photoshop
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#we trade pain for wisdom#whatever the case may be if it’s you or if it’s me growth and change and learning from the mistakes are all that we can do#to add to it didn’t deserve to know me like that* or appreciate my time etc#but throughout all the hardship I’ve been through with people that I didn’t work out well with (familyfriends romantic relationships)#ive learned a lot throughout my life from people and myself included#I’m grateful and appreciative of the wisdom I’ve gained and how I’ve overcame it but sad & angry at the thought of remembrance#I know what I’m saying is vague and this post isn’t about a specific person but just looking at it as a whole#people who genuinely like you and care about you want the best for you and will want to make things work no matter what#people who value you don’t treat you like shit people who value you show appreciation for you#people who love you let you know just like people who don’t they all let you know#but there’s been some instances where I’ve been the one who made mistakes and caused issues and things of that nature#I’ve taken those mistakes and learn from them and have grown from them since they happened#that’s the point of life learning experiencing understanding and growing#with or without you I will be fine :) I’m happy whether you’re in or out of my life#that statement alone if I had been told that before I would’ve cried my eyes out but now I’m like I’m fine with or without I don’t need#anyone or anything but if you want to tag along that’s fine if you don’t want to that’s also fine the freedom is there#it’s freeing in my heart to say that tbh#I know my worth and what I deserve I’m not going to settle for less
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do you consider your self made?
#my art#self portrait of sorts#been musing a lot on disability recently and how being relatively freshly unable to do Most Things has changed my perspective on things#for a long time growing up i was fixated on the idea of being An Impact On The World yknow? mainly the next Big Writer#(and that it would be sooo impressive that everyone would make my books bestsellers when i was only 12 because it was That Good)#and i mean. obviously that didnt work out as originally planned because i was 12 and learning. but I've felt a lot like#I've kind of built my sense of self on those big achievements. even if they were only big to me. and a lot of them#are now out of reach or very difficult to reach. and it's been a lot to. recontextualize#to take what ive been told my whole life and ignore it in favor of just being being enough.#things will happen as they happen. i havent earned anything by suffering but it hasnt ended the world either#im here doing what i Can do for as long as I'm able to do it. and thats all i need to be for now#just making sure that i Do do the things i can do rather than assume i can do them later#anyways. love you#cw:#top nudity#artistic nudity#the dreaded ambiguously presenting nipple#if you put any pro weight loss eating disorder shit on here ill kill you btw#my body is sexy because im in it and im still alive. not because its struggling to stay that way#lindwormposting
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HAPPY NEW YEAR !!! here's some of my fave/most popular art I did in 2024 <3
#shroomer talks !#the last one is blurred because its spoilers#i wanted to finish it so badly before the end of the year but alas... i have a job#hopefully will be able to finish it tomorrow or the day after#anyways!! what a good run this year has been!!#its so funny most of these pieces were done in the last few months lol i did not like any of my drawings or even had any finished pre-augus#and then boom. south park happened.#and suddenly i was rejuvenated. like a fish in water#if ill be honest with you guys ive had some of the worst art block for last few years/been so incredibly unsatisfied with my art#and its only been since august where ive finally started becoming a bit more ok with the work ive produced#i dont necessarily think ive made anything that could be a magnum opus or whatever. i dont even think i can really go:#“yea. i did that. hell yea. this is amazing”#its more like a “yea. im starting to see growth. im going somewhere. i think.”#but thats way better than what it was before where i just straight up hated my art lol#i still kinda do hate it though but its starting to be less#or at the very least its in a more positive direction where im thinking “ok i hate it but im gonna try and learn from this”#anyways thanks all of you for sticking around with little old me <3#MORE SOUTH PARK CONTENT TO COME IN 2025!!#youre not getting rid of me that easily#south park#splatoon
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more of whatever this is in season tweleve
#ive been thinking about this nonstop today if my tags are any indication 😭#ever since learning that i was not going insane on my first watch for thinking this#and that they ARE in fact purposely being written this way#this is what happens when you parentify their existing dynamic on the Heteronormative Conservatism Show#ive been kind of insane about noticing it. edlund what were you THINKING#sam winchester#dean winchester#12.16#adflatus#permoveo
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thinkinnn about lila successfully turning most of the school against marinette and her trying for like a year and a half to refute all of lila’s claims and get her friends back to no avail. the only people on her side through it all are adrien, luka, and chloe, surprisingly enough. but the loss of such a huge amount of people, most of her friends, leaves her in a dark and gloomy place and she finds akuma’s fluttering towards her all too often but she can’t claw herself out if this pit so easily so she tries swatting them away but they either keep coming or leave and infect someone else. so. mari learns how to purify the akumas on her own.
to be infected by an akuma, it channels all this negativity into the victim and makes them focus on their negative thoughts/emotions. when mari heals an akuma, she reached out for the butterfly and focuses on positive thoughts/emotions and channels it into the butterfly. with a healing kiss, an act of love, the dark purple insect turns a glowing white and flies away back to hawkmoth/monarch’s lair. mari gets real good at this until, with the help of her remaining friends, she is able to pick herself back up into someone new.
maybe its chloe in her ear or just the pain and sorrow that has turned to anger, but mari becomes close to what chloe was. she doesn’t go out of her way to piss people off or humiliate them, obviously, but they genuinely believe her to be an evil, vindictive bitch. she fought for over a year to prove them wrong and never could so why fight now? she stops trying to refute lila’s claims and just lets the accusations fly from her lips. she has chloe, adrien, and luka in her corner so she doesn’t care what lila has to say. she’s found some real friends and she is content.
#miraculous ladybug#marinette dupain cheng#adrien agreste#love square#chloe bourgeois#luka couffaine#lila rossi#or whatever her name is#yknow whats crazy?#i dont think ive watched even a season of this show#all i know about mlb i learned from tumblr and fanfictions#i havent really watched it like that lmao#anyways#idk which side of the love swuare happens first#im biased so i wanna say marichat but adrienette is plausible too#marichat#adrienette#adrinette#chloe and mari being bitchy best friends? i think yes#my own personal hc of mari being able to purify akumas outside of being ladybug#i love that shit#i eat it up#idk if its BECAUSE shes ladybug or if its something anyone can do#but mari does it anyway#ladybug#chat noir
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I like to imagine that after some time ccDonnie gets really into training with his bō and in training in general. He's such a solution orientated person I feel like it would get really unbearable for him to feel like he's the weakest and defenseless - after all isn't all of this his fault for being so dense that he could not tell that something was oh so obviously wrong with his brothers and for being so weak that he ended up getting so physically hurt? So really this is something he needs to fix again. Focusing too much on his tech has made him a liability and bad at reading his brothers, so he tries to balance tech and training more.
So I imagine that as an adult Donnie is quite a scary aggressive fighter - softshell turtles are quite aggressive in nature after all, precisely because of their softness - and appears quite distant and cold to outsiders. You would have to know him for quite some while and be really attentive to notice that at heart he is far more gentle mannered and soft, but the most important people in his life already know that.
Also!! I love it when in tmnt whump writers use turtle behaviours as therapy - like swimming being therapeutic. Maybe ccDonnie would also really enjoy swimming and letting his mind rest after all this?
I really liked the animatic!!!! And can't wait for the last chapter of cc! Sending love
honestly this is something i could see! combat is going to be a hard thing for donnie to go back to in particular even without his brothers because he's kind of conditioned himself to panic and do little, curl up in a ball and steel himself. and mixed with the final attack i think he's just going to have problems getting back into the environment and mindset
but like, when he does? i could definitely see some overcompensating going on. donnie gettting vicious out of fear of being helpless again. being triggered and seeing red, falling back hard on the urge to fight back that DID save his life. it stopped leo from slitting his throat and held raph off, really. its still frenzied and panicked but there's an edge of uncharacteristic anger there. he'd otherwise normally be very precise and tactical in his combat, and i do think it'd be a skill he would put a lot of focus on.
im unsure about socially though. i could see him giving off that energy because he would be quiet for SURE, and he always looks on edge and nervous (which can be interpreted as "fuck off" body language lmao) but donnie is hyperaware of other people and he always will be going forward. when he actually opens his mouth he'll be very appeasing, at first at least. i do think he'll be really nervous around new people and it'll make it hard for him to find new connections, but he'll actually be one of the better ones with that. leo will be nasty because of paranoia for a long time.
(also omg yeah i am a little envious because i would LOVE to meditate underwater ... just go under there for ages and chill ... need to project this urge onto him it sounds so calming)
#ask#canary continuity#ive never pondered on how doomed future cc!leo would be but like. actually probably better than his good future self would be#he has to get over that problem QUICK. everyone is an ally when their fight is against the kraang#his usual ire would be centered on a very select number of people. like any witches#but otherwise i think he'll really struggle with it. they NEVER learned who the witch in the bathroom was#and donnie has other enemies. maybe they cant do something like kitsune did but that's not going to stop the anger#purple dragons and repo come to mind. he would be SUPER hostile towards them#and like donnie and jeremy are friends so i dont think that'd go over well#i could honestly see leo ending up pretty overtly overprotective. more than raph#but i think its somewhat understandable. he confronted all of those injuries they caused head-on.#he took care of him. small and stick-thin and unable to breathe in that cot#rocked and held him through night terror after night terror#accepted that he would have to watch donnie die#woke up with him gone#i dont even know if donnie understands the depths of how that emotionally effects a person#maybe leo doesn't worry about having his mind fucked up but he is TERRIFIED of having to watch something like that happen to donnie again#he thinks about it a lot more than raph and mikey will. it also means he reacts the worst when donnie relapses#do with that what you will
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all my pdh s2 doodles i need u guys to keep in mind i didnt know All That was gonna happen😭😭😭😭
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#I FEEL SO BAD BRO HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO PREDICT THAT CRAZY ASS DATE#aphmau#phoenix drop high#aphverse#aphmau mystreet#ein mystreet#aphmau pdh#kai pdh#im not tagging everyone thats too much just jnow i love them all#SORRY KAIS HAIR LOOKS DIFFERENT IN EVERU DRAWING I COULDNT FIGURE OUY HOW I WANTED JT TO LOOK☹️☹️#U guys should have seen my face when ein was revealed to be Evil bro Jaw Dropped i was mad as hell like WTF WAS THAT#KAI ESPECIALLY THAT HURT SO BADD BRO I LOVED KAI I EVEN MADR HIM A FIGURE SKATER LIKE ME Like that was literally my Friend😭#ive geniuenly Ranted and written so much about this in my notes app i HATE how kai was treated at the end there Bro idgaf THEY LITERALLY#CHANGED HIS ENTIRE PEROSNALITY ALLL BHIS VALUES Mr ''learning about other people is a wonderful thing''Jessicaaa😞😞#I THOIGHT THAT WAS INTENTIONAL TO LIKE CONTRAST THE PREVIOUS SEASON LIKE WOW here's a guy that geniuenly Cares too ESPECIALLY SINCE#HE Gives her examples of things she's said in the past things specific to HER that he Knows in his MIND like a GOOD FRIEND!!!#IN THE SAME EPISODE!!!!!! AM I CRAZY LIKE ACTUALLY WHAT AM I MISSING HERE#Guys Om sorry i know he comes back in a later season of mystreet or whatever and is Weird but like im only on love lovenparadise rn i cant#deal wirh Whatever happens thats Seperate Ok im a Pdh defender exclusively#i have so many more thoughts but like im lowkey Done these have been in my gallery for so long i was too scared to post after finishing the#season but like whateverrrr sorry for rambling goodbue❤️#awesome
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