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ushittyoldman · 4 years ago

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sweetheart like you

request. hiii welcome! my brain is empty rn but some spike fics would be so amazing! i’ll probably be back when i have an idea but for now maybe just some first kiss with Spike and up until then they had just been flirting:)

pairing. spike x fem!reader

warning. language, mentions of s ex, & just a whole bunch of fluff

a/n. my first spike request eeeeee here u go anon! i hope u like it, it’s still taking me a while 2 pin down his characterization so i kinda just went w how i thought he’d b in a situation like this. nevertheless, i hope u like it thank u 4 this cute asf request (fun fact! spike always reminded me of bob dylan bc of his hair so this title came from a bob dylan song)

"Found him,” you mumbled discreetly into your ear piece, your sunglasses sliding slightly down your nose.

“Attagirl,” you heard Spike’s smooth drawl through the ear piece, and you attempted to conceal the slight smile that had made its way to your face.

“Careful, Spike, looks like I’m doing your job for you,” you teased, still keeping a watchful eye on the slimy suspect who happened to hold a handsome bounty on his head.

“Can’t really complain when you look so much better doing it.”

“Just fuck already so I don’t have to hear this everyday!” Faye snapped, and this time you couldn’t help the soft blush that colored your cheeks. You tightened your jacket around yourself, attempting to alleviate some of the embarrassment you felt.

“It’s not like that—”

“You know you’re always welcome to join us, Faye,” Spike retaliated, and this time you couldn’t hold back your giggle. Had you turned around, you wouldn’t have missed Spike’s smile widening upon hearing the musical sound.

“I’d rather die.” Faye deadpanned, and you had to remind yourself that you couldn’t laugh too loudly due to the delicate position you were currently in.

“One day... just one day of peace and quiet. You think that’s a lot to ask for, Ein?”

Silence followed Jet’s tired question, and you realized you’d have to once again step up and apologize on behalf of you three. You softly mumbled into the earpiece, “Sorry, Jet, remind me to buy you a new bonsai tree to make it up to you!”

You could hear the smile in his voice as he enthusiastically said your name. “Anyone ever tell you you’re an absolute sweetheart?”

“Once or twice.”

Before anyone could respond, movement from the corner of your eye caught your attention. The man you had been tailing had stood up from his seat on the couch, paying the stripper who had clung to him for the majority of the hour. You began to subtly gather your things and pay for your drink at the bar, preparing to follow him out of the club.

“He’s on the move,” you angled your head to your left, eyes searching for familiar brown eyes, “I’m gonna follow him.”

Once your eyes met Spike’s, an understanding passed between you two. He had been sitting on one of the couches towards the back of the dimly-lit room. His long legs were spread as his arm was casually draped over the top of the couch, and a cigarette loosely hung from his lips. His long hair was pulled back slightly, since it was styled to mimic the type of men who frequented the club, and you smiled at the memory of you and Faye attempting to tame his hair in the bathroom right before you three departed on the mission. Though he was attempting to pass off as a regular civilian enjoying the strip show, there was something about Spike that made him stand out from the rest of the crowd. Realizing you had probably spent an abnormal amount of time admiring him, you met his eyes again and decided to ignore the look of blatant amusement that so clearly danced within them.

You simply nodded once and you silently applauded yourself on being able to catch the subtle nod he gave you in response in the dimly-lit room. His lips quirked up slightly, and you somehow felt more reassured in your ability to pursue the criminal.

Gulping down the last of your drink just for that liquid confidence, you delicately placed the payment on the table, and adjusted your top as you followed the man out the door. As you left the strip club, you noticed the shadow of the man’s trench coat as he leisurely walked towards the darker side of the already extremely shady town. You inhaled sharply before wrapping your own coat around yourself tighter. Suddenly, the man took a sharp left turn into a narrow dark alleyway between two buildings with impossibly bright neon signs.

“He went down an alley— that’s gotta be a dead-end. It’s almost too easy!”

Spike quickly yelled out your name, an odd edge to his words. “No! We’re sticking to the plan.”

“But I can—”

“Spike’s right, it’s too risky,” Faye interrupted evenly, though her tone showcased her own concern at your irrational thinking.

Deciding to prove them wrong, you furrowed your eyebrows and tightened your grip on the concealed gun. You let out a soft exhale, your breath visible in the frosty night. You immediately turned the corner, prepared to take the man by surprise, yet you stilled in shock when you were suddenly slammed against the brick wall. You could faintly hear your sunglasses clatter on the ground. You saw stars the moment your head hit the wall, and you were almost positive you were dealing with a concussion. You internally grimaced at the earful you’d undoubtedly be receiving from Spike, Jet, and Faye.

“What do you think you’re doing, you sneaky little bitc— ooh,” he mockingly cooed, “You’re pretty.”

“Oh, for the love of—” you heard Spike groan in your earpiece, most likely realizing you deliberately disobeyed the plan.

The man’s rough hands began playing with your hair, and you tried your best not to cringe at the feeling. Briefly, you conceded that Faye and Jet may have been right when they voiced their concerns over you working alongside the bounty hunters on this mission. You were the Bebop’s resident medic, and you had an alarming lack of experience with guns and self-defense in general. The two facts paired with your intense hatred of harming people, and you were most definitely the least qualified person to be on this mission.

Momentarily, you wondered why you even pushed so hard to join your friends and leave the safety of the Bebop. You suddenly thought of Spike. Spike with his lazy smile, as he encouraged you to join them. Spike and his untamable hair as he taught you how to use a gun. Spike and his warm hands as he softly caressed your cheek the first and only time you had managed to take him down in your self-defense classes.

You groaned internally as the realization hit you harder than the concussion.

Stupid Spike.

Deciding not to succumb to death just as yet, you abruptly realized there was a technique that Spike had taught you for this very occasion. You groggily tried to remember the technique, and you urged yourself to remember quicker when the man began to trail his hands down your body. Belatedly, you realized your coat was now on the ground, drenched in the wet snow, and the unforgiving cold air was nipping at your exposed arms and legs.

“Gonna take you on a ride, girly,” he wickedly mumbled in your ear, and you tried your best not to flinch.

Through the cloudy haze of your brain, you managed to mimic Spike’s exact movements as you replayed the memory of his lean body demonstrating what to do. Lifting your knee to kick the suspect in his groin, you cringed as he let out a yell of pain. He bent over, and you took advantage of his momentary distraction by lifting yourself up and gracefully (you’d like to think) wrapping your thighs around his head, letting out a quiet grunt as you used all of your weight to flip the two of you over and onto the cold pavement. You shakily landed on your feet, but you heard a sickening crunch as the man’s face was the first to make contact with the concrete. The guilt almost bubbled to the surface, but you decided he was one of the few who deserved what he got.

You let out a quick huff as your ample chest heaved up and down with every breath. You could feel that your hair was a tousled mess, and your skirt had ridden up considerably.

“Holy shit.”

You looked up quickly and belatedly realized Spike had been standing there, casually leaning against the wall, his arms crossed. He had a small smile on his face, though there was also an uncharacteristic red tint to his angular face.

“Spike?” you breathed out. Despite his relaxed expression, you were momentarily worried that he would be annoyed with you not following the plan.

“Quite the little badass, aren’t you?” he responded, no heat and all fondness.

You took a step towards him, though you swayed slightly. You grimaced at the idea of your bare knees hitting pavement, but more so at the fact that you’d be embarrassing yourself in front of Spike. Your confusion grew when you realized that you were suddenly gently lifted in someone’s arms. Perplexed, you looked up and made eye contact with warm brown ones.

When did he catch me? you silently thought to yourself, and you figured the concussion was a lot more serious than you had previously thought.

“You with me?” Spike softly mumbled your name, and you noticed the concern clouding his eyes. You suddenly realized how close your faces were.

“Concussion,” you quickly responded and you internally slapped yourself at the stupid response, “I, uh. I have one.”

Spike’s face broke out into his typical shit-eating grin, and you felt yourself lighten at the familiar expression.

“You’re cute,” he casually spoke. Spike’s smile widened at the pretty blush that had colored your cheeks.

Just then, a particularly relentless gust of cold air blew through the ally, and you unknowingly shivered. You boldly cradled yourself further into Spike’s broad chest, and his smile dropped upon remembering your current situation.

“Faye,” he snapped into the earpiece as he angled his face slightly away from you, “thank you for taking your sweet time.”

“Pleasure’s all mine, jackass. I’m almost there.”

Your shivering worsened, as the cold air nipped at your exposed arms, legs, midriff, and cleavage. Softly shifting your body so that you were comfortably held up with his one arm, Spike quickly pulled off his jacket with his free arm, and moved you so that he could hold you with his other arm as he completely took off his jacket. You hadn’t noticed, mainly due to the softness of his almost imperceptible actions, and so you were completely surprised when you suddenly felt a warm blanket cover your entire body.

Your eyes snapped open when you realized that it smelled way too good to be a blanket. You looked down at the familiar navy blue jacket that dwarfed your entire body, and you looked up into amused brown eyes.

His yellow shirt was casually rolled up at the sleeves, and the button-up was tightly fitted across his lean yet muscular figure. His arms flexed underneath your weight, and you relished in the feeling of his warm arms caressing the bare skin of your own legs and arms as he held you bridal style in the dark alley. Your stomach erupted into butterflies as the weight and intimacy of the situation set in. You were brought out of your thoughts when you realized he had caught you subtly checking him out again.

“Stop laughing at me,” you huffed as a wayward strand of your silky hair landed on your forehead.

“Why would I be laughing at you, pretty girl?” he mumbled, a smile dancing on his lips.

His lips.

They were so close to your own, and you were once again filled with the insatiable urge to kiss him. You blinked quickly at the thought. Your concussion must have been doing a real number on you.

Your internal confliction grew stronger with each passing second. A large, large part of you wanted to close the distance between you two and finally kiss Spike, consequences be damned. But the small, louder part of you was terrified. You were terrified of rejection, of your insecurities coming to light, of being just another meaningless fling to Spike. Your thoughts grew cloudier, and you were overtaken with the sudden urge to sleep.

Your eyes grew heavy, and your head began to loll against his broad chest. Noticing this, Spike’s smile dropped once again and he began to silently curse Faye and her damned time management skills. He hurriedly mumbled your name, his distress clearly evident in his deep voice.

“C’mon now don’t go falling asleep with a concussion,” he teased, and some of his worry for you was quelled when he heard your quiet, breathy laughter in response, “Careful, doc, looks like I’m doing your job for you.”

Your smile widened upon his teasing remark, mocking your words from earlier, and you rolled your eyes in response. “Smartass.”

“Never said otherwise.”

Once again, his lips were just the right distance from your own, and you felt an instant surge of confidence. You swallowed, and squashed every single worry and fear you had, reasoning that this was Spike, your Spike, and he wouldn’t hurt you.

“There is... there is one thing you can do to help the concussion,” you shyly said, your cheeks burning brighter than the red neon sign that loomed over you two.

Spike’s eyes widened and his face turned serious and desperate as he nodded. “Tell me what you need, and I’ll do it.”

Butterflies erupted once again upon noticing how prepared he was to help you, and you smiled up in pure adoration at the tall man. Your eyes quickly darted to his lips then back up to those enchanting eyes.

“You have to come closer.”

Spike blinked once. A second time. And then he smiled softly at you. Understanding flashed in his eyes, and you swore his cheeks held the faintest of blushes. He leaned in closer.

“This close?” he knowingly teased, an encouraging lilt to his soft tone.

“Closer.”

You swore you could feel your heart in your throat as it sporadically beat faster the closer he came. His face was now right in front of yours, and you nervously swallowed. You licked your lips, and he looked down at them, mesmerized with the action.

“How’s this?” he smiled up at you, his usual playful smile on his handsome face.

“Spike,” you half moaned and half whined, frustrated with having him so close, yet not being able to finally get what you want.

His breath hitched at the sweet sound of you moaning his name, and he couldn’t help it before he leaned in slowly and met your soft lips. You closed your eyes and relished in the ecstatic feeling. The kiss itself wasn’t very long, yet everything about it was already burned into your brain. Your lips molded against his for a few more seconds before you softly pulled away and let out a dreamy sigh.

Your nerves attempted to get the better of you, yet you surprisingly felt reassured in your feelings for Spike. You silently looked up at him, but he was already looking down at you with nothing but warmth and fondness on his face. He softly reached down and tucked the wayward strand of hair behind your ear, before softly caressing your cheek. You leaned your face into his warm palm as you closed your eyes once more, and he felt his heart ache sweetly.

“You really should get concussions more often,” Spike cheekily said.

“Shut up,” you responded as you closed your eyes again to nuzzle your face into his chest. There was no heat in your response, and Spike couldn’t help but silently admire you.

He moved closer to you and gently kissed your forehead before straightening himself up. He tucked you closer into his chest and tightened his jacket around your figure.

Somehow, you weren’t as cold anymore.

“About damn time.”

Your eyes opened, and you mustered up as bright a smile as you could at your friend.

“Faye!”

An unamused expression donned Spike’s face, and he turned around to pointedly glare at Faye. “I could say the same thing to you. What, you saw a mirror on your way here?”

Faye had restrained the suspect at this point, her heeled shoes digging into his back as a way to alleviate the anger she felt at the man for what he did to you. She looked up and genuinely smiled at Spike, adjusting her coat.

“Jab all you want, Spike, but thanks to you, I won the little bet I had going on with Jet!”

Faye’s amusement grew when she saw your smile drop and Spike’s glare turn into a lofty smile almost simultaneously. You looked up at Spike, yet you flinched at the sudden movement, as the pounding in your head worsened. Concern washed over Spike, yet you shook your head in reassurance, before continuing.

“Spike— the earpiece!”

“You just had to make a move now,” Spike mockingly chided, though you knew he wasn’t as bothered as you were.

“Concussion!” you reminded him, and he cooed at the pout you gave him as his gaze softened.

You gulped before guiltily mumbling Jet’s name. “…Jet?”

“Two bonsai trees, you hear me? You owe me two bonsai trees now.”

#spike spiegel x reader #spike spiegel #spike x reader #cowboy bebop #cowboy bebop fanfiction #this was so fun 2 write n i am sad its over #spike cowboy bebop

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thefanficmonster · 3 years ago

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Hi! It's me again! :D I hope you're having a good day so far rn! I have several AUs I've been making lately and I would like to see your own spin on them! some Gorgon/Medusa!Mia x Blind!Ethan headcanons if it's okay with you ^^

Hun I love your AU ideas so much! Sorry this is coming out so late butt I still hope you see it an enjoy the read ~ 💕

- She had overheard from previous travelers about the one not afraid to pass by her

- They all called him a fool, they would've laughed even had they not been so terrified of approaching her

- Those who doubted have long been dead

- But he's still yet to appear

- The one who undermines her enough as to not fear her

- She couldn't wait to show him her strength, what she was made of, what she could do and why she was feared amongst everyone

- He, however, was the one to surprise her instead

- For the man was blind

- He greeted her with a bright smile

- “My most sincere apologies, but unfortunately for you, your powers won’t take effect on me.”

- The bitterness of his mild mocking crawled throughout her entire being

- But about halfway through it was stopped by another, rather unfamiliar and foreign feeling

- The comfort of finally having someone stand before her without a shred of fear

- That was something new to her, something she wasn’t looking forward to letting go of so soon

- So instead of lashing out at him like she initially wanted to, she asked him:

- “What may your name be, traveler?”

- “Ethan Winters, your reign. I believe I already know your name though.”

- She let out a soft laugh at that, “Doubtful. My name’s Mia.”

- Her response visibly baffled the man but he regained his composure just as quickly: “Pleasure’s mine, my lady.”

- She scoffed, “Truly only yours, Winters. No other traveler’s had it.”

- “If it makes you feel any better, I knew the answer to your riddle, so I would’ve made it through either way.”

- Feeling the dread of the inevitable creeping in, she decided to make it quick for herself and usher him away sooner, “No riddles needed then, huh. Go about your way, you manthing.”

- He chuckled, “My, my, is my company not to your liking?”

- “Far from it.”

- “Then I’ll make sure to take this road on my way back.”

- A genuine smile, one she hadn’t worn in years graced her features, “I’d love nothing more.”

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dodo-begone · 4 years ago

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Loyal here, and back from the dead! Had some health issues and family drama, but I should be completely back now! I hope this all makes sense, I had to take Benadryl so I’m kinda out of it at the moment.

——

For those who have been interested in the idea of a reader from Undertale, I’m so happy! Anon who went into detail with how y/n might be forced into bringing out their soul? *chefs kiss* I love it. And with Ranboo or Techno doing it on accident because of the voice(s)? Then, when they snap out of it and see y/n begging this ‘Frisk’ person for mercy? AAAAAAA YES P L E A S E. I live for the angst and that concept quenched my thirst for it. When it comes to the resets, I think that most of what happened during them felt like dejavú to y/n when going through the Underground, making them give reactions similar to the monsters who seem to recall certain things when you play the game again. However, when it comes to the genocide route, I feel like they don’t remember anything. At least...not until they’re put under extreme stress, panic, trauma, etc., or if they’re in an intense life or death situation. Only then would they remember. But it’s messy when they do. They get thrown into a memory and basically have a mental breakdown. Whether they remember it once they calm down or not...? Up to you. Anyway, here’s some of my own ideas based off all this!

- In Ranboo’s case, I feel like he’d know who Frisk is and quite a bit about y/n’s world. He just seems like the type of person you could tell anything to and he’d listen. Because of this factor, I can see y/n having either already shown him their SOUL, or having planned to in the near future. He’d recognize the situation—a panic attack—and do everything in his power to calm y/n down. He isn’t the type to pry, so he wouldn’t mention the reader’s SOUL unless it seemed to be in really bad condition. He’d rather y/n come to him and open up on their own.

- It’s a cry fest. They’re both tearing up and telling the other not to cry. Y/n knows it wasn’t Ranboo’s fault and doesn’t want him hurting himself over it, especially because his tears hurt him. They forgive him, it’s okay. Ranboo feels incredibly guilty for what he’s done. And seeing them crying over what he did and the trauma he accidentally brought onto them? He’s crushed. You know those sappy movies where the main characters are comforting each other, crying but letting out choked/hiccuping laughter? Not because they find the situation funny, but because they both react the same way and just want what’s best for each other and it’s all around adorable? That’s them.

- But, if it’s yandere Ranboo? He’d probably see this as proof that y/n is far too fragile for this world. Clearly, they need someone to protect them. He’d most certainly feel guilty about what he’d done, but he may play it up a bit to get as much attention/sympathy/whatever from them.

- For Techno, unless he was there when y/n initially woke up in the SMP, I don’t think he’d believe them. So he probably doesn’t know shit (or, he at least knows the basics), unless he found out from someone else. That’s just my opinion tho. Either way, I believe he’d think it’s all bullshit. However, he wouldn’t force an encounter to prove his point. He has at least some decency. No he doesn’t. I feel like he’d remind y/n of just how hostile monsters Underground were in the beginning, so they’d be weary around him. (I’m doing flat out yandere for him from now on bc that’s all I can think of rn)

- If he doesn’t know who Frisk is, I see him being slightly insulted that they think of some random stranger—as far as he’s aware—who clearly hurt them. He’d never do that! He—oh shit, he kinda sorta did do that...

- If he does know who Frisk is and is romantically interested in y/n, he’d probably be peeved that they’re basically referring to him as their sibling. He gets that they’re going through a traumatic episode but c’mon! He’d end up pushing the thought aside to help them. However, he may be slightly petty for the next few days.

- Keeping on the romantic yandere side, I see him possibly making the situation worse even if it isn’t his intention to. Whether he’s told by y/n or someone else, he at least knows what their SOUL is and what it stands for (even if he didn’t believe it till now). So here’s his little darling, all curled up and clutching their SOUL to their chest like it’s their lifeline. Oh, wait, it is. Sure, he’s surprised that it’s real, but any shock he would’ve felt is replaced by awe and he can’t help but notice how mesmerizing it is. So, he forcefully gently pulls their arms away from their chest, cooing at them and saying that everything’s fine, and removes their hands from the entity so he can get a better look at it. He watches as the (color) heart bobs slightly up and down, and can’t help but be surprised by how warm it feels against the palms of his calloused hands when he cups it. Any whimpers and pleas from y/n begging for their soul to be returned are blocked out. All he can focus on is the SOUL in front of him, the very culmination of their being, and how small it is. This little thing, that takes damage whenever their body does, that physically appears whenever they are in a fight, is what keeps them alive? That won’t do. Not at all. This land is far too dangerous for them! They better get used to his cabin, for as far as Techno’s concerned, it’s their new world home.

——

And Tommy forcing them into an encounter because he thinks it’s all bullshit? That would definitely happen. He’d feel so guilty once he sees the look of betrayal in y/n’s eyes and the disappointment that shows on the faces of anyone who had seen the forced encounter. As if they too weren’t curious. He noticed that no one stopped him. Let’s be honest. Most would be too curious to interfere.

- Y/n probably falls to their knees, cupping their SOUL in the palms of their hands. They know that Tommy wouldn’t actually hurt them, but they can’t help but feel as though their boundaries have been pushed aside, as though one of their only requests meant nothing to everyone. Tears slip and it takes watching the glowing heart, being lost in their own world as they mentally count every rhythmic bob to ground them. Once their breathing calms and their sobs turn into hushed whimpers, they push their SOUL back into their chest and stare at the ground, unsure of what to do next.

- Tommy definitely acts a hundred times more mature in the following moments. Depending on when in the DSMP timeline this occurs, he’d either be confident—and rightfully so—in his ability to help someone during a panic attack, or be hesitant, unsure of what to do, fumbling with his words and motions, but trying his damn hardest to help nonetheless. Either way, I see y/n appreciating it. Y/n literally come from a world where they would befriend creatures ten seconds after they genuinely tried to kill them and their sibling. I don’t see them holding a grudge. They’d most likely be slightly weary in the following twenty to thirty minutes, but get over it. After all, they’ve always chosen MERCY. Can’t say the same for their sibling, though. Tommy’s extra cautious about what he says or does around them after that.

- I feel like after a few weeks or months, y/n may bond enough with Tommy to want to show how much they trust him by bringing out their SOUL. Especially if they’re there through all the hell that Tommy goes through story-wise. To them, it’d probably be their way of telling him that they trust him with their life, and that they’ll always be on his side.

- Yandere or not, he does everything in his power to protect y/n if they remain weary of encounters. He’ll either find a way to avoid a fight, not wanting to hurt y/n by doing anything that would make him gain this supposed LOVE that comes from their world, or he’d do enough damage to allow them to escape without anyone or anything dying.

- If y/n discovers that they’re able to befriend the monsters of this world like they could their own, regular Tommy would respect that. He may be a bit antsy if the encounter drags on or if y/n sustains some damage, but he knows that they know what they’re doing. As previously mentioned, he’ll get involved if things go south, but he won’t kill anything. At least, not in front of them. Gotta get bones, blaze powder, and spider eyes somehow. But even then, he does it sparingly out of respect for y/n’s wishes. That, or he’ll have someone else get materials for him.

- Yandere Tommy wouldn’t risk shit. You can’t just talk to mobs, you idiot! You’ll die if you do that! And you’ve only got one life! He’d threaten to kill mobs right in front of y/n if it’d get them to stop trying to play house with disgusting monsters. That, or he may force y/n into killing. Their HP, AT, and DF increase when their LOVE increases, right? So they have to if they want to survive!

——

I agree with the anon that Dream and Vilbur would definitely force y/n into an encounter. Yandere or not. If yandere, they’d probably become obsessed with the concept of SOULS and constantly pressure them into bringing it out. They use it as a nightlight JKJKJK.

- Ya know how in Deltarune, Kris yeets their SOUL into a cage? Well, imagine that, but it’s forcefully taken by Dream. He’d put it in a glass container and show it off like some damn trophy. That, or he hides it away where no one can find it. Vilbur would do the same but keep the SOUL on his person at all times. That way no one forgets who y/n belongs to. To him, it’d show power and ownership. Much to his pleasure and mostly everyone else’s disgust.

- I’d also add Schlatt to the list of people that force an encounter, as well as yandere Sam. Schlatt would pull it out in front of everyone to show how much power he can hold ever someone, or, to use as a shield when he thinks Pogtopia will attack. They wouldn’t want to hurt an innocent person who’s got a little sibling waiting for them at home, would they? With Sam, he’d do it to make sure that y/n is in perfect health. Can’t risk there being any cracks or the SOUL being dim! Following Tommy’s death and revival, he’d probably do the same as Vilbur, keeping their SOUL with him and never letting it out of his sight. However, instead of doing it out of a show of power like Vilbur, it’s out of paranoia. He can’t lose you too. He has to know that you’re okay!

——

For some fluff, here’s who I think y/n would eventually trust enough to show their SOUL:

- Tommy (as mentioned earlier)

- Ranboo (also mentioned earlier)

- Tubbo (he reminds them too much of Asriel to not trust him with their SOUL)

- Captain Puffy (same as Tubbo, but for Toriel)

- Ghostbur (he’s just so nice!! How could they not? Besides, he sometimes reminds them of Napstablook! They probably call Ghostbur Blooky a lot on accident and the ghost just learns to roll with it LOL)

- Karl! (After hearing about this person who comes from a world with timelines and basically time travel, he can’t help but be interested. He’s losing so much, he needs someone who might possibly understand. They both share a similar hatred towards the concept of time travel/resets and the amount of pressure it puts on a person’s shoulders. That, and the lack of memories, even if they‘be both been effected by this in different ways)

- Bad (before he’s corrupted by the egg, of course. He’s so sweet omg. Besides, his personality gives me Toriel vibes)

I personally don’t see them trusting Philza enough, no matter how much he reminds them of Asgore. Then again, the King of Monsters is the one who basically put a bounty on their SOUL. He also refused their MERCY and forced them to FIGHT. Besides, when they hear from others—or see it for themself—that Philza kills his own son? I don’t think they’d ever forgive that. No matter what happens. You should refuse death, because there’s always another option. They’d know first hand, after all. With having their SOUL broken in half and pieced back together thanks to their own sheer will to live. To protect their sibling and save their friends. The battle against Asriel taught them so much, and they’d never take life for granted again thanks to it. “Asgore, though I may not stand by his methods of taking the SOULS of innocents—children, no less—I understand why he did it. He lost both of his children, his pride and joy, at the hands of humans. The real monsters of this w—of my world. He would have given anything to get them back. And you, you just throw your son’s life away? How could you?! Do you know how many beings, Monsters and humans alike, would sacrifice everything just to see their loved ones one more time? To take their place? To save them from a brutal death by the hands of those who want your SOULS? To see their small body covered in blood and burns or spears. Only for their death to have been meaningless, for their SOUL had shattered before it could be collected and used? When it should have been you, their big sibling, to take their place?” Yeah... they’ve definitely got some issues they need to deal with LOL. I personally headcanon that even if Frisk wasn’t able to reset, their soul would have been useless when it came to breaking the barrier because that thing shattered into PIECES. What would the monsters do? Use gorilla glue and hope the damn thing stays together?

——

Imagine how different characters, Yandere or not, would react to y/n’s soul shattering. Especially if it’s because y/n took a hit for them.

ALRIGHT THATS IT AND IM GOING TO SLEEP LOL

Omg that’s so much. It’s all so fucking good but I am just overwhelmed by how much is here because I want to answer it all but,,,

IT’S SO GOOF NIGHTLIGHT SOUL JANSJS PLEASE HAHA that’s just hilarious.

Also putting the soul in cages? YES THAT’S SUCH A GOOD CONCEPT TO BRING UP!!! Vilbur wanting to own while Sam wants to protect. Both lead to a similar end. An emotionless reader with no care for themselves or others. Just a rogue being. A zombie, I’d you will. But not dumb. Oh not dumb at all.

Also putting the soul in a jar??? I ca see DreamXD doing the same, if not similar. Ooo maybe he wears their souls on him? Trapping it in a piece of jewelry to display your “loyalty” and “love” to him.

I’m sorry I’m just not feelin too good.

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pinkjeanist · 4 years ago

Text

“the budding trees” || tamaki amajiki

⟹ After falling and crippling yourself in the woods, the forest spirit comes to your aid. [forest spirit/fairy tamaki - 2.6k words]

a/n: i thought of @knifeewifee while i wrote this just bc i know tamaki’s her fave, so consider this a pre-gift for another fic i’ll write for you soon, manda!!! this fic was completely based off of the idea of tamaki with antlers, which im going absolutely batshit for rn, and also because he’d make a cute lil fairy. if you guys want more of this, id be really happy to write more!!! i really like this idea, and i could make it a little series like the minecraft with shiggy, yanno? anyway, bone apple tit!!! [navigation]

There’d always been something a little odd about that forest, to say the least.

The trees were spaced considerably apart, with winding roots and huge canopies that held tens of bird nests at a time. In the morning there was always mist that kissed the earliest rays of sunlight. The streams were always clear, no matter how much washing was done in them from your small village on the outskirts of the woods. And every now and again, a white stag could be seen far away through the underbrush, just out of reach and swiftly out of sight. It was like something out of a storybook. Maybe that’s what made it so strange.

You’d never ventured too deep. You’d gather what you needed, be it berries or nuts or firewood, and you’d scramble back to your village before sunfall. There’d never been anything threatening in the forest- at least, you hadn’t seen any bears or wolves there in your life- but to be there at night seemed...intrusive. That was the first word that came to mind, though you weren’t quite sure what was so intrusive about it. It was all just very odd.

But there was one day you’d ventured out too far, too close to sundown, and found yourself rushing through the trees and over the winding roots to try and beat nightfall. The forest wasn’t so kind that night, however, as you tripped over one of the roots and toppled straight down the side of an overhang.

Your first thought upon opening your eyes was: “Something’s broken.” You could feel the hurt, though you were sure you would have been able to feel much more of it if you weren’t so in shock. So you laid there, and cried after a while when feeling started coming back to your broken leg as the night loomed o’er.

The patch of mushrooms beneath you glowed azure and violet, something you’d never seen from any forest, and the fireflies didn’t disperse with the lateness of the hour- instead, they began to grow closer, looking down at you before quickly flying off again. Then a badger came along, peering down from the overhang. You expected it to gouge out your eyes, but instead it made a strange noise, and hurried off just as the badger had. You felt strangely alone once it had gone.

There was no one for a mile at least, you knew, and they would have been asleep by now. There was no chance at help until morning. You weren’t even going to try and stand; you already knew your leg was beyond repair. If, by chance, you were rescued, they would probably have to amputate it, like you’d seen happen to one of the village elders when you were younger. You’d always dreaded that happening. You guessed you had no choice.

The whole forest floor seemed to start glowing just as the mushrooms were; the azure and violet met brilliant luminescent greens, and you swore you could see something twinkling gold somewhere far away. It gave you something to focus on instead of the pain in your leg that you were becoming increasingly aware of.

But then, from above the overhang, you could hear something approaching from the underbrush. You cried louder, unable to do much else, hoping it was a person.

From the overhang, a white stag peered down, just as the badger, had. But unlike the badger, it slowly made its way down the hillside to find you, looking down at your twisted leg. It then called out to the forest, low and blaring, until a human pair of eyes peered down from the overhang after it. Well, they looked human, but you couldn’t be sure from the colossal pair of antlers on its head.

You closed your eyes and assumed you were already dead.

Only, you were surprised to find that you weren’t when they opened again, this time to the inside of a little cottage of sorts. The gentle sunlight streamed through the open window and shined on a singular small room, its walls covered in shelves that overflowed with bowls and bottles. You were on a bed against the only open wallspace other than the small wash basin and counter beneath the window, and just to make sure you weren’t dead, you wiggled your toes.

You wiggled the toes of both feet, and only realized what that meant when you recalled what had happened before.

A round little bird came to sit on the windowsill as you shot up out of bed, looking down at your legs. The one that had been broken still ached, perhaps too much to stand, but it was healed nonetheless. The bird chirped at you from its perch, and you looked at it hoping it would provide some answers to your countless questions.

Instead, the door opened, and the man with antlers ducked through the doorway with a bowl under his arm. His eyes widened at you when he looked up.

“Oh! U-Uhm, you’re…” He stared, seeming almost frightened, and you couldn’t help the initial dread that sparked in your chest. However, just as you were calming down, he set his bowl down on a stool next to the door and turned around to leave. You reached out a hand as if he wasn’t across the room.

“Wait! Wait, please!” His hand was still on the door as he turned slowly his head, back still facing you. “I have...ah, a lot of questions, if you don’t mind.”

You looked down at the little chair by your bed. He must have been sitting in it when he was healing your leg. “Uhm...can you come sit, please?”

His hands gripped the white, silk tunic that flowed around his figure, swallowing before finally turning towards you. He made hesitant steps towards you, in a way that reminded you of a real deer. You stayed still as he came to sit in the chair next to you.

You cleared your throat, trying to twist your body to at least partially face him before giving up. “Ah...what’s your name?” You asked.

His hands wringed together in his lap. “Tamaki…”

“It’s nice to meet you, Tamaki,” You smiled, then looking up to his antlers again. “Are you, ah...human?”

“No- no, uhm…” He swallowed, refusing to look at you. “I-I’m a fairy. Of this forest. The fairy- guardian- uhm…”

“You’re the spirit of this forest?” You inclined, an old tale coming to mind. He finally met your eye, nodding furiously as he looked back down at his lap. His antlers almost hit you as he nodded, seeing as how they were really large. They seemed as tall as his chest, and fanned out even more so. The bird from the sill came to sit on them, as did another.

You fiddled with the hem of the blanket. “My mother once told me a story about forest spirits. She said they were devious trickers to any humans who encountered them.” You looked up to find him gazing back, his nervousness faded with how much he was focusing on you. “You don’t seem too devious, though. You seem rather kind.”

“I...we’ve only just met.”

“I know,” You smiled again. You then inclined, “How long was I asleep?”

“Just the night,” He answered, looking down at your leg beneath the blanket.

“You healed me overnight? How?”

His hands wringed together again. “Uhm...herbs-” He pointed to the bottles and bowls lining the shelves. “-and water, and- and magic.”

You nodded over to the bowl he’d left by the door. “Were you going to heal me again?”

“Oh, no- I uhm-” He stood, quickly making his way to the door. His antler nearly knocked a bottle off of a shelf before he quickly caught it. You kept your giggles to yourself as he brought the bowl back to the bed. “-I was going to wash the herbs off. Replace them.”

“Oh, I see.” You pulled the blanket back, realizing he’d dressed you in one of his floor-length tunics. You almost blushed at the thought of him having seen you undressed before you realized that nudity probably didn’t mean much to a fairy. But even with this assumption, you still watched him swallow as you pulled the tunic up to expose your leg to him.

It was wrapped in a fine white cloth, now stained green with the herbs packed beneath it, seeping through like dye. You saw him hesitate in reaching out, so you gave him a nod, trying again to shift your leg towards him and finding a bit more success than you had before. He started at our ankle where it was tied and slowly unwound it, careful not to let any of the now-used herbs touch the sheets.

He grabbed the bowl and brought a wet cloth tentatively to your leg. His hand began to shake as the cloth made contact with your herb-stained skin, but you didn’t shy away.

“Oh- I-I’m so sorry, I should have been more careful-” He began to apologize profusely, and you grabbed his wrist before he could pull away. Your eyes met his as you brought it slowly back to your leg. “I’m...I’m sorry…”

“I’m fine, Tamaki. You can keep going. You have nothing to apologize for.” You let go of his wrists to instead grip the sheets for leverage. “Of course, for even as much as you have kindly healed me, it will still hurt- but no matter. You may do your work. I do not shatter so easily.”

He bit his cheek as he looked between you and your leg. You sucked in a breath. “Though...if you wouldn’t mind...I feel I may find this easier to bear if you’d be so kind as to hold a conversation with me?”

Tamaki dipped the rag back into the bowl as it ran a bit dry. “Uhm...what kind of conversation?”

“Well, I’d like to know you better, if you don’t mind discussing yourself.

“I-I’m afraid I do,” He stuttered, slowly ringing out the rag, “but only because I don’t find much about myself worth sharing.”

“What nonsense!” You said, and he looked up at you with wide eyes. “You’re a fairy! No one knows much of fairies, much less of you! There is so much to discuss, Sir Tamaki!”

He blinked, and slowly brought the rag back to your leg. You were too busy staring at him to flinch. “Well- ah, what would you like to know?”

You spent the next half hour asking countless questions about his species and his life as he cleaned your leg, and then continued to do as much as he pressed more wet herbs into your skin and muttered little spells under his breath. He told you how he was born from the trees, though he couldn’t quite remember it, and how he’d always been on his own. He’d only met a few humans in his lifetime, and sheepishly admitted that none had been as interesting or forgiving as you (you didn’t ask what he meant by “forgiving”). He said that the stag was the forest’s heart, and that he was the forest’s breath. It was all very strange indeed, but alas, you couldn’t keep yourself from hanging onto each and every word as if it were scripture.

Tamaki must have grown tired of talking about himself, for as he finished wrapping and healing your leg, he began to ask about you.

“I live in a village just at the edge of the forest,” You said, picking again at your blanket. “I don’t do much else but wash and sew clothes for others. I probably won’t have much to do until I’m married, anyway.”

“I’ve heard of marriage,” He said, “though not much good of it.”

“It’s not very good at all. At least, for me, I think. There’s no one I fancy spending the rest of my life with in my village, much less bearing children with. I’m just fine sewing men’s trousers.”

“You’re not happy,” He said, more as an observation than a statement. You nodded. He looked down at his lap and picked at his tunic. “I don’t think I’m happy, either.”

“Why do you think that?” You spoke, your voice growing soft. He shifted closer with a sigh.

“I...It’s very lonely, out here. Which is silly of me, I know.”

“No, I don’t know. Why would you find that silly?” Your hand moved to rest comfortingly on his knee. He swallowed again.

“Well...fairies are very...independent creatures. We live only to breathe life into trees. There is no need for another, and very rarely any longing for another, as well. And yet...when the birds stop singing at night...it all becomes rather quiet.”

Your brow furrowed in thought. Though you hadn’t put much consideration into your next words, you were sure of yourself when you offered: “In that case, perhaps when I am healed, I can visit you?”

Tamaki blinked up at you, and you smiled sheepishly at him. “It’s just...we are both so unhappy without another to keep good company. So...I would like to be your friend, if you’ll have me.”

His eyes grew wet with emotion, and his hand slid over your own on his knee. You smiled even brighter at his touch.

“If I may be so honored.” With shaking hands, he brought your knuckles to his lips, kissing them delicately before resting it back on his knee. Your chest blossomed at the feel of it. “Though...I am not quite sure what companionship entails. I’m sorry.”

“You’ve nothing to apologize for,” You repeated, leaning forward. Tamaki smiled back. “I’d be more than happy to teach you of companionship. I’m certain you’ll find it easier and much less daunting than it seems.”

He studied you for a long moment, antlers tilting just slightly with his head, and you couldn’t help but grin at the sight. He nodded warmly in return. “I’ll take your word for it.”

You spent your time in bed chatting until you were well enough to walk that evening. In the morning, when it was time to return to your village, he lifted you effortlessly and set you on the back of the stag (who was so tall, it was hard to mount even as it sat for you) and led you to the outskirts of the forest. He stopped just far enough away that you wouldn’t be spotted by the townspeople and helped you off of the stag.

Your hands remained on his shoulders from where you’d used him as support, beaming up at him. “You have been so incredibly kind, Tamaki. When will I see you again?”

“A-As soon as you’re able,” He smiled, gesturing to your still-aching leg. You noticed that his stutter wasn’t so much from anxiousness as it had been before, and instead sounded with the implication of another meeting, another little adventure. It brought a warmth to your chest. “I’ll find you at night. You just have to wish for me, and I’ll feel you in the forest, wherever you are.”

“Thank you, Tamaki.” You stood on the toes of your good leg and pressed a gentle kiss into his cheek, perhaps as payment for the kiss he’d left on your knuckles before. His cheeks were flushed bright red when you pulled away, and you could feel your own heating with it. Your hands slipped from his shoulders as you stepped back. “Farewell, for now.”

“Farewell…” You took one last look at him before turning and limping back towards your village. You didn’t hear the stag set off for another minute or so behind you, but you couldn’t blame him. A part of you wished you could stay with him forever.

But, perhaps, some things come only with time...

taglist: @keigos-dove @/knifeewifee (already tagged uwu), @wesparklebitch, @hanniejji @bvnnyclouds, @katsukis-sad-angel @ushissugarcube

- dm/inbox to be added or removed from a taglist.

#tamaki amajiki x reader #suneater x reader #amajiki tamaki x reader #bnha tamaki #tamaki amajiki #bnha #mha #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #reader insert #forest spirit tamaki

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gotham--fc · 3 years ago

Note

Thanks for the games I’ll defo try to watch them, cause it seems that when I don’t watch Canada loses and we can’t have that 😤.

And yeah unless she played in the games in the US she’s probably gonna be the 3rd goalie which is ok it’ll be good for her development cause she’s a young goalie and goalies tend to get better with age.

Those coins look sick! I love all the different sports on there!Yeah defo show me your collection! I don’t really collect but my Nan gave me the Montreal centennial coin set from when she lived in Montreal and got them there.

Yeah I can imagine it was crazy over here when England played in the euro final (we are not that good at it but we invented it and like it) , I had a game that day and one of our players or coach ran in to the changing room (cause we’d just finished and was changing as fast as we could so we could watch) and just shouted England scored! And we were buzzing.

GB is my fave like the logo and the colours and the sleeves just works ��🤷‍♀️.There’s some absolutely gorgeous jerseys internationally Germany is nice, Russias is good (Russia Russia not ROC Russia),and I’m partial to swedens even tho that’s pretty plain. There’s a few more I like too but none are popping up rn.

Tbf yeah I agree it’s like the same but idk what else they could do. Maybe the three leaf thing like they had in the 90s? Or it split with designs of each province/territory ?

Yay we love fights😂 good on Jenner and Clarky (I needed to make her surname more hockey vibes) for protecting the tendy. And lol that’s a mood.

Poor fillier :( but I feel like that’s a mood in hockey as soon as that whistle is gone play nice 😂. Oooh a high hitting game sounds fun but the PIMs must’ve been so high!

I’d be willing to bet it’s designed that way, make the opposing team as uncomfortable as possible, give em the smallest hottest changing room and the bench u have to cross the ice to .

Live hockey> everything else😂😂

And omg that’s boss! Net seats are really cool! Glad you didn’t see any non Canada goals right in front of you cause that would be painful. And that’s also dead cool too getting to see the players so close up ! What jersey are you gonna get?

Oh no poor Desbiens and MPP 😂😂 hopefully they didn’t get a fine or penalty. Tbf It is really weird they’d put anthems before the game rather than just the winners at the end?🤷‍♀️😂

Taking off your helmet fast is weird too, we don’t do anthems or that but on remembrance day they did like 2 mins silence and a speech and both teams lines up in the blue lines and took off their helmets but I was so confused when the other team was just stood there (our huddle was longer than theirs) cause we don’t usually do anything like that. -Also standing still in hockey skates for about 2-5 mins is very hard.

(Also if i didn’t reply to anything I’ll add in the morning it’s late and I’m tired and need to start watching the time lol)🏒

You have to commit and watch the rest we need you

Yeah like I didn’t expect her to really be one of the two because obviously desbiens and maschmeyer are very good and more experienced but I guess I just hoped she’d get a real chance to prove herself but it is what it is but hopefully for the next Olympics she will be there

That’s the best part of the Olympics or big tournaments because the whole country just rallies behind the athletes like it doesn’t matter if you’re a sports fan or if you know anything about the sports happening if Canada’s doing well we’re all the biggest fans

Yeah I feel like European countries always have good jerseys and Canada and the us tend to be boring and safe, but I think Canada’s would be better if they included some designs, like I think if they partnered with local artists who created designs you know like I think that would be cool. I like the 2010 one because they had the design in the leaf and since maple trees are only in Ontario and Quebec that having different designs to represent the rest of Canada

I love Clarky because she always gets in fights like I love it, also I totally have been calling her clarky in my head can you believe we have one brain? 😂

High hitting games are so cool especially in person I loved seeing the Americans get fucking bodied 😂 the refs let a lot of shit go but they also called a lot of pens

But yeah it’s all mind tactics eh give the visiting teams the worst bench the worst locker room 😂

I don’t know what player I’ll get if I’ll even get one but I’d honestly just love a Canadian one even if there’s no name, I just want a hockey jersey they’re my favourite kind of jerseys

I don’t think they’ll get fined for it, it wasn’t disrespectful you know like it wasn’t intentional so I don’t think they’ll get in trouble for it more than the coach or someone just telling them not to do it again

But true I forgot you europeans don’t play the anthem before games, we do it here and in the us before the games you play the anthems, they don’t normally televised them anymore, but yeah standing in skates must be hard, the players just kinda kept shifting their feet

Also!! I’m going to put pictures of the rest of my coin collection here!! I’m very proud of it it’s my most prized possession

Also ignore my philosophy notes in the first one 😂

#asks #anonymous #hockey anon

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tundrainafrica · 4 years ago

Text

Title: A Free Spot

Summary:

"While she was still a commander in the midst of a war, she had to shut out all raw emotion while she watched Levi take down titan after titan, as the airship took her further away from where she had wanted to be. She did too good of a job turning off her emotions then and her last memory of Levi had become a free spot in her mind.”

Slight AU! Levi sacrifices himself in Chapter 132 instead of Hange and Hange deals with the consequences years later.

Written for @levihanweek Angstober 2020. Prompt: Free Spot

Link to cross-postings: AO3

Notes:

A part of me felt like Levi should have gone instead of Hange. That is, if one of them had to go. I'd still rather they both lived and got their happily ever after

I’m in the middle of writing for the greetings and farewell prompt but it's really just not looking to good rn so I'd rather not share it for now. Hopefully, I manage to get the motivation to finish it up. I’m probably gonna write some fluff and domestic Levihan after this. These prompts are just too heavy haha.

Either way, I had so much fun writing for angstober. I hope you enjoy and do tell me what you think!

You know Levi, it feels like my time has come. I want to act as cool as possible so let me go out like this...

It had been two years since the rumbling had stopped for good. Eren was dead. The Eldians and Marleyans had established a peace treaty and the survey corps was declared redundant, replaced with a special defense squad.

Mikasa and Armin willingly took over what was left of building the defense-oriented military. Having seen enough violence and loss to last a lifetime, one soldier slowly and quietly stepped down.

That one soldier helped build what became the new city of Paradis, but still felt the burden of responsibility. Disappearing from society and retiring to some farmland on the outskirts of central Paradis felt wrong although tempting.

That soldier had seen things first hand that most people would never experience, so it was easy to take on a job as a teacher. This was especially since most Eldians did not want a repeat of the last war and who better to teach the future generation than one who had experienced it at the front ranks.

The subjects taught were easy to pick up.

Math. Science. Languages. History.

Most kids would end up mastering the basics anyway and that was more than enough for most jobs. What most people from both sides had failed to master though, was how to empathize and how to critically think. They failed to learn how to talk things through or how to question orders.

How to talk things through. How to question orders.

That was what motivated the soldier-turned-teacher, to supplement lessons with anecdotes from the Survey Corps days. It was like living in one's dreams again. The anecdotes before and after lessons kept the students entertained and it also kept the memory of one important person alive.

Three months into the lesson, one of the students had turned out to be more invested than the others and had raised her hand in the middle of one of their story times.

"Did you marry Levi?"

Maybe the former commander did get carried away.

"The soldier I mean. The one in your stories," the young girl clarified.

“Lena, you shouldn’t have asked that,” another student muttered.

Lena jumped up and bowed her head in embarrassment. "I'm sorry… You always got so excited when you talked about him that I thought…"

Hange only realized then that for a second she had not moved from her spot. She put a hand to her face to see that it was wet. She hastily looked back at the blackboard and wiped her face with the collar of her sweater.

"What would make you think we married?" She managed to ask as she looked back at the young student. Most of the kids in the room were roughly twelve to thirteen years old. At that point, she was still figuring out what could be mentioned and what couldn't to a bunch of preteens.

Lena blushed. "My big sister talked about her boyfriend like that and now they're married."

"Well that story could wait another time. It looks like classes are done for the day." The teacher quickly gathered up her learning materials into one messy pile on the table, thanking whatever god existed for the timing of that question at least.

Some students protested but the teacher did not budge. The latter looked back again at the blackboard as she listened to the students pack up their things and file out of the classrooms.

As soon as the last student left, Hange quickly closed the door behind her, slid on the floor and buried her face on her hands.

Why are you crying? It's been fucking years.

She slammed the floor with her fists, letting the pain that shook through her wrists, act as punishment for that random bout of emotion.

How many stories has she told them?

They had started off as stories detailing the lives of the survey corps members who had given their lives to fight a war fueled by the hate of two nations. Somehow, the stories had shifted to her own relationships. She had talked about Moblit and Erwin, the values they had upheld for the greater good of humanity.

How had she described him for the students to think they married?

Before she knew it, she had started to talk about the strongest soldier with ironically, the most unwavering regard for human life.The one soldier who was probably capable of taking down fifty soldiers without so much as a scratch was the same soldier who would ask her privately after meetings, if she could think of a better plan which would cost less lives than the one they had thought up just a while ago. He was a soldier who would always voted on alternatives that could preserve more lives.

At that point, Hange could not even recall what words she used or what tone she kept. She started to treat those story times she promised the students after every lesson as a reprieve, a way to just imagine once again the past that she had missed, and the memory that made her relax the most was that of Levi.

It had been three months since she started teaching. She guessed that she had probably started bringing him up after the first month. It had occurred to her until that moment that she had never really implied his actual fate.

Did she talk about him in present tense?

Did she say something to make them think that he had survived?

You know Levi, it feels like my time has come. I want to act as cool as possible so let me go out like this…

Her chest constricted as she remembered how she felt saying those words. At that moment she thought she was going to die.

How to question orders. How to talk things through.

Levi had never questioned her orders or tried to talk things through in public, in fear of undermining her position. At that moment, right in front of everyone, Levi had said, "No. You're the commander. They need you out in the field. I'm not letting you die."

He had made a good point as he prepared his gear. Although he was humanity's strongest soldier at that time, he had become a little more than deadweight due to recent injuries. Either way, everyone had enough fate in his skills then, to know that even with those injuries, he'd still have enough power to take down a few titans and buy them some time to launch the ship.

While she was still a commander in the midst of a war, she had to shut out all raw emotion while she watched Levi take down titan after titan, as the airship took her further away from where she had wanted to be. She did too good of a job turning off her emotions then and her last memory of Levi had become a free spot in her mind.

Levi is alive. Levi exists in all nighters back in the office. He exists in the late nights in the forest, injured and half asleep.

As she allowed herself to relive that moment of two years ago, the only moment Levi blatantly disobeyed orders, the dam of emotions she had kept closed somewhere inside her started to flow free. She poked a few holes into it, allowing herself a few tears as she carried herself home.

It felt like it took ages but Hange finally found herself inside her empty apartment. She locked the door behind her and slid down once again on the cold wooden floor. She neglected to turn on the lights. The darkness that slowly swallowed the room as the sun started to set, only reminded her that she was alone, alone to her own devices and her own thoughts.

Levi existed before but now he is dead.

The free spot in her mind started to disappear, replaced by what should have been the raw emotion at seeing him burn and fall into the deep ocean. The grief came in large waves and Hange drowned in the emotions she had failed to release a year ago.

She called in sick the next morning and the day after and she sat alone on her bed, only standing up to eat or use the bathroom.

By what seemed to be the fourth day, it was as if she were floating. The waves had receded and she was left to survey for any damage.

Did you marry him? Another burning question came up from within her.

Hange rephrased it, given her present circumstances. Would I have married him?

Would marrying him have meant experiencing a continuation to those late night trainings as new soldiers?

Would it have meant a sequel to those late night conversations in the commander's office over tea?

Would it have meant someone welcoming her home every night after a long day’s work?

Would it have meant someone would be sitting beside her at that moment, hugging her, while she was too paralyzed by emotion to even get up?

Hange shook as she tried to imagine how it felt like again to be hugged. She knew she could have easily called someone, Mikasa, maybe Armin for a little company. Levi though was the last one she felt completely comfortable crying to, the last person she had ever shown complete vulnerability to.

And without him, she was alone.

The cruel truth was that that memory of Levi alive had overpowered her memory of his death. That sudden realization came as the memory once again became vivid, at a time where she had no more responsibilities of keeping soldiers alive in the midst of a battle.

Hange kicked her side table and watched as it toppled over, her belongings spilling out from underneath. She smashed her chair on top of the side table then the flower vase on the dresser.

The crown and the military had given her enough compensation to replace everything and that small afterthought was what only fueled her motivation to just release the pent up emotions. Everyone she had ever lost died for them anyway.

She went for the dresser to the side of the door and pulled out the drawers one by one, spilling out the contents on the floor before smashing them into the pile of remains of the furniture she had broken only a while ago.

She stopped at the third drawer when she saw the familiar green cloak and the wings of freedom insignia. At Levi’s last moments, she was wearing his cloak since she had expected to be the one to go.

As she spread out his cloak on the floor, she smelled traces of the familiar odor of titan’s blood. A year cooped up in the drawer had preserved the original scent. She buried her face on it and started to make out the scent of blood and sweat. At a certain point, she also made out the traces as well of the scent of old wood. The cloak had also started to adjust to the new world with no titans.

She threw the cloak on her still intact bed and sat cross legged on the floor.

Am I the only one who hasn’t moved on? She let out a burst of laughter, and sprawled on the cold wooden floor.

The Titans are gone. The Survey Corps is gone. Everyone is dead. He’s dead.

Free Spot

In total, Hange took a week out of work. She used that extra time to clean up and apologize to her neighbors after that breakdown.

Surprisingly, most of them had been understanding. Hange though did not want to use the excuse of being a shell shocked soldier to be a bother to anyone and had compensated all those who lived closest to her.

When she finally showed up back to the classroom, she was surprised to see all the students on their seats as if they had expected her to be back that day.

Of course, the substitute probably told them.

“You’re surprisingly behaved today.” Hange commented as she emptied her book bag on the table.

It was Lena who came out from behind her desk with a box and placed it on the teacher’s table.

“We heard you got really sick for a while so we got you a present which could maybe help you stay healthy,” she explained, still looking apologetic.

“Thank you.” Hange blushed as she started to untie the bow and opened the box underneath. Hange fought back a wave of nostalgia and the stinging sensation in her eyes as she opened the box to find a tea set, complete with a bag of black tea on the side.

“My dad told me tea is good for the body,” one student volunteered.

Hange put one hand to her mouth, as she felt her lips tremble. A part of her wanted to laugh and a part of her wanted to cry. She had told them enough stories to keep them busy for months but she had never mentioned tea. It was an irrelevant detail in the grand scheme of things, of course she wouldn’t. “He liked black tea. We spent a lot of our free time talking over tea,” she admitted as she traced the rim of the tea cup, holding it the same way she had seen him hold it countless times before.

For a second, Lena looked panicked. “I’m sorry we didn’t mean to… You don’t have to talk about it anymore. ”

“No. It was my fault. I’m sorry.” She stood up and put her hand on the head of the young girl. “It looks like everyone pretty much guessed what happened to that soldier huh?” She smiled, keeping her tone deliberately light.

A lot of the students kept a sullen look and Hange was sure someone had explained it to them or at the least, they had picked it up on their own.

“Well, that’s the reality of war. A lot of the soldiers don’t get to marry and have kids. Just so that everyone here could live in peace.”

That night, Hange emptied the contents of the gift box on her kitchen table.

Levi would have liked the tea set. Hange thought to herself as she allowed the black tea leaves to boil on the kettle. The smell of the black tea wafted through the air and Hange closed her eyes as she allowed herself to be brought back again to those many nights when he was the one who would serve her a cup of warm tea.

Did I add too much water? Did I add too much black leaves? Would he be disappointed?

She poured the contents of the kettle into the cup and watched the tea leaves settle to the bottom of the cup.

She positioned her hands on top of the teacup, attempting to hold the cup just like he used to. The heat right on top of the boiling water, almost scalded her palm and Hange gave up after a few tries.

I never really understood how you did it.

The warm malty taste of black tea in her mouth was nostalgic. Hange only realized then that she had unknowingly abandoned this luxury right after the war. It was as if her subconscious had been protecting her from a breakdown just like the one she just had.

The smell and the taste of black tea had always been about Levi who was long gone by then. As she caressed the intricate linings of the cup though, she also started to think of the efforts of the students who had thought up the present and saved up for it.

She looked back at the memories leading up to his sacrifice at the hands of the colossal titans. The pain was still there but it was far from excruciating. It was bittersweet. Somehow, she did not need to delude herself anymore. She just had to let that bundle of emotions and memories within her untangle themselves.

Levi was gone. To Hange though, he was still alive.

He was alive in the black tea she had allowed herself to enjoy once again.

He was alive in the anecdotes she had told her class in between lessons.

He was alive in every single person who was alive because of his sacrifice.

It’s the living who give meaning to the soldiers’ deaths. It's the living who keep the dead alive.

#levihan #levi ackerman #hange zoe #levihanangstober #fanfic #levi x hanji #levi x hange #attack on titan fic

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bizarre-alien · 4 years ago

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Saturday Morning

I made a short Erasermic fic on Saturday, and I just wanted to post this here because why not! It takes place when they were in their 20s, and Shota is gonna do something bold after a night of clubbing with Hizashi which, apparently, didn't turn out so well!

Saturday mornings were hard sometimes. Waking up hungover while my brain tries to recollect memories of last night only makes me numb with this dull melancholic ache in my chest. I stretched out my limbs across my bed to find that I was all alone. “Shocker.” I thought to myself sarcastically. I slowly turned my body over to get my phone that was on my nightstand. To my surprise, it was hooked up and charged. “No, I was too drunk to do something this responsible.” I mumbled as I unplugged it. There were some unread messages from Yamada, and it brought this warm feeling inside that my heart seemed to crave.

“Last night was WILD! Please text me when you wake up. I need to know you lived! 😭”

“I did lay you on your side with a bucket, pukey! 🤣”

“OMG ARE YOU ALIVE?? I MISS MY BEST FRIEND!”

“I should’ve just crashed on your couch instead of taking the cab back to my place… Could’ve saved myself from stress and money… LMAOOO”

“SHOOOOOOTAAAAAAAA”

I couldn’t help but to laugh at his sweet attentiveness. He never failed to put a smile on my face even if he wasn’t around. I took a selfie and sent it to him. “I lived, bitch. 😤”

I felt my stomach shock from anticipation as I saw the ellipsis pop up. “YOU LOOK GOOD FOR A DEAD BITCH!!” The ellipsis came up again. “Also, you looked cuter than me in the shirt I let you wear. If you wanna keep it, you deserve it! I have your shirt, and it’s nice and clean! I think I’ll wear it today!”

I couldn’t help but to blush at his remark. “It’s mine now. I’ll take good care of it.” I looked down to see which shirt it was, and I gasped. It was an exclusive shirt from one of his favorite bands that he got at a live show. The exact one that he said he wanted to be buried in. “WAIT ARE YOU SURE BC I JUST SAW WHICH ONE IT WAS”

“It’s okay!! I’d rather see you wear it instead. 💖”

“... That’s very sweet…”

“How do I look? I’m going for that Shota Aizawa look. Don’t mind my lack of pants, please. 🥰🤣” His selfie nearly made me drown in affection. He looks so good in my shirt… And his legs...

“*Chef’s kiss* You rn…” Were we flirting, right now?? No. He has someone, right? “Wait… Are you flirting with me to make your so jealous? What did he do wrong, now? 🥴” The ellipsis came up, but went away… Then again… Then nothing. I began to worry. “Zashi, I’m playing. You know that, right?” The other end was radio silent, and I felt anxiety surge through me. Was it a sore topic and I didn’t know? Did I just ruin our friendship? I mean, how would that screw everything up? After all we’ve been through for the past 7 years, that couldn’t have been the final straw… right? I was pulled from my overthinking by my phone vibrating. It was Zashi calling, and I picked it up immediately. “Was that a bad thing to say? Because I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt-!”

“It’s okay, Sho!” He chuckled reassuringly to me, but I could hear the pain in his voice. “I forgot that you black out when you’re drunk… No, me and him are done. You broke his nose when I came to you crying about it. We had to leave the club because of all the drama, but no one knew who we were… Thank God, right?”

“Yeah…” I was silent for a moment as I tried to remember what happened.

“Sho! We’re leaving. Come on!” Hizashi roared as he made his way to me.

“Hold, hold, hold. What happened?” I stopped him in his tracks and grabbed his arms. “Zashi, are you okay? Where’s-?”

“Who cares? I hate him! Let’s go!”

“But you left me to blow him in the bathroom! What do you mean you hate him, now-?”

“I wish I didn’t, and I’m so sorry! He’s a monster in disguise, but I was too stupid to notice AGAIN!!” Zashi burst into tears as he held onto me tightly. We stumbled a bit, but I held him back with all I had. I feared that this was gonna happen.

“I knew there was a reason why I couldn’t stand him.”

“Baby, you got it all wrong! I love you, Hizashi! I wanna marry you!” I heard the voice of Zashi’s former lover, and the alcohol in me decided to take control of my body.

“You take another step, and you’ll regret it! Don’t think I won’t have you on the ground, you piece of garbage!”

“Sho, let’s just get out of here! I gotta go!” Hizashi pushed me towards the exit. “It’s not worth it!”

“Hizashi!” The moment he grabbed Hizashi’s arm, I went feral.

I dug my nails into his wrist to get him to let go of my best friend. “Piss off!” I roared as I got Hizashi behind me. Before I could register anything, I felt my right fist connect with his nose hard enough that it sent a shock up to my shoulder. “I knew you were trash the moment I laid eyes on you! You don’t deserve Zashi!” I wanted to go for more, but I felt a multitude of hands grasp at me and pull me towards the exit. I managed to spit on Zashi’s ex before we were escorted out of the club.

“Oh my God, Shota! That was intense!” Hizashi grabbed my shoulders and shook me. His makeup was smeared from his tears, but it made him look like an ethereal being. “You good?”

“Mmh.”

“I can’t believe you did that for me! You’re so sweet! Oh my gosh, like you- Oh, God!” He backed up as he looked at me again. “Alleyway. Alleyway!” He guided us to the alleyway and held my hair the moment I let everything out. “Oh, God. It’s on your shirt. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!” When I spat out the remains, he gently took off my soiled shirt. “You are so lucky that I have on something sexy underneath this tee! I guess this may be a sign to dress sexy for myself instead of waiting for someone to see it in private, huh?” He pulled off his band tee and handed it to me with a smile. He had on a fishnet long sleeve bodysuit with nipple coverings, and he looked like the biggest rockstar in that moment… but, that was my best friend… My best friend is the biggest rockstar and he’s holding my gross shirt.

“You’re so freaking nice, Zashi!” I began to tear up as I put on the shirt. “I’m so sorry!”

“I should be sorry! I didn’t listen to you. I just listened to his dick!” We laughed like a couple of hyenas as we took our drunken selves to our favorite place to eat when we drank our weight in booze.

“Zashi." I sighed and shook my head. "I’m so sorry."

“Thanks. It hurts, you know? He wasn’t who I thought he was. I guess… I don’t know how to pick ‘em, huh?” He tried to laugh, but he went quiet.

Never in my life did I want to reach out to him through the phone and hug him as much as I do now, but all I could do was hug him with my words. “You have a big heart and a warm presence that deserves to be honored and cherished, and he just didn’t get it. If I had the chance, I’d punch him again. You deserve so much better, and you will get that.”

“When, Shota?” There was a pause.

“When the time and place is right.” I wanted to say right now and with me, but I chickened out. “That person will love you and nurture your heart, and that person will be the most lucky human in all existence and memory.”

“I wish it were-” He paused and sighed. “I wish it happened now.”

I felt my heart jump and my mind started to race. Did he want me? Should I risk it all? Were we both too afraid of screwing up our friendship? “Hizashi…”

“Hey, do you mind if we meet up somewhere? Your place, my place, a restaurant… Anywhere, honestly! I just need to see you. Sorry if that sounds clingy. I just-”

“Of course! I would love to meet up. You’re going through a tough situation, and I’m more than happy to be there for you.” I smiled. “You can come over to my place and we can decide if we wanna go out or not.”

“That sounds good. I’ll get coffee on the way, okay? I know you need it.” He chuckled.

“You’re the best.” I sighed in relief. “I think coffee would solve a lot of problems, right now.”

“Hey, Shota?”

“Yeah?”

“I want you to know how much I value our friendship. We had rocky moments, but there isn’t a day that I’m not grateful that we smoothed things out. I can freely be myself around you, and that’s really rare nowadays because all these fakes are roaming the streets.”

“It doesn’t help that you’re well known, huh?” I joked.

“Exactly! You keep me from losing my mind… You inspire me, you encourage me, and I know I can be vulnerable with you and you wouldn't judge me for it! I just really love- Ugh... No, I should stop. I’m getting sappy.” He burst into laughter.

“Funny enough, I needed to hear that.” I blushed and rubbed that back of my neck. “Hizashi, I actually wanna talk to you about something when you get here. It’s important to me, so that’s why I wanna wait.”

“Oh, for real? I’m not in trouble, am I?”

He was so cute. “No, not at all!” I snorted.

“Good! Give me a few minutes, okay? I’ll be there in a bit.”

“In Hizashi minutes, right? I'm guessing that it'll be an hour before you get here.”

“Shut up, man! I can’t help the fact that I’m a high maintenance scatterbrain!” He whined on the other line.

“Whatever. Just get here when you get here. You know where the spare key is, so I’m gonna take a shower and clean up the place a bit.”

“Sounds good!”

“Okay, cool. See you then.”

“See you!” He sang then hung up.

I looked at my phone with a whirlwind of emotions. The comfort of his voice still in my heart, but it wrestled with the anxiety that I felt in my chest as I knew what I set myself up for. The timing seems wrong, but I was so caught up that I could care less. What if he hates me for even confessing now? Yet again, it seemed that he was dying for me to confess… I just know that this is the last Saturday morning I wanted to spend hungover by myself. I wanted to wake up to messy blond hair in my mouth, limbs entangled, and the sweet smell of his natural scent mixed with the ghost of his perfume of choice from the night before.

The feeling was so strong that I clutched my pillow for dear life, and I couldn’t tell what kind of tears were falling from my eyes. All I could do is lay there and imagine what could possibly become a reality while also fear that I could make this imagery impossible if I said the wrong things. Funny enough, this hurricane of emotion is something that I’m just observing. Somewhere deep in my core, I felt a sense of relief and peace. And it was that very peace that gave me the strength to get up and get ready for a life changing discussion with my best friend.

Thank you! Bye!

#erasermic #aizawa shouta #shouta aizawa #yamada hizashi #hizashi yamada #hizashi x shouta #maizawa

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awful-roffle-archive · 4 years ago

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Meteors dot txt

A/N: this definitely got to a point i just took the characters and setting and did my own story with it but uh. its fine. no idea if i’ll ever come back to this but?? im running out of writing spoons rn so! you get this as is with its really choppy ending :^) nothing’s been proof read by someone else but i tried my best so uh. enjoy lmao

word count: 3,420

"Today's broadcast reports there will be a meteor shower raining over Pelican Town this evening! Make sure to take an umbrella with you! Hehe." The meteorologist quips before the broadcast goes back to the news about the latest about the Gotoro Empire. Rayzan sighs and shuts the TV off, sipping at his coffee.

"What's so important about some damn meteor shower? It's... what, space rocks? Big whoop." He mutters to himself, shoving a rather... strange (to put it lightly) tasting cheese cauliflower into his mouth. It's what he gets from buying food from Joja - hopefully he wouldn't start glowing or something as a side effect. With a grunt he pushes himself off of the floor, throwing the plastic container to the side. He'd clean it up later. Probably.

He jumps as there's a rapping on the janky screen door, and he instinctively grabs his gun from behind a potted plant. Pulling the door open, he aims it directly between the other's eyes.

"What the fuck do you want." His tone is harsh and cold, and he never breaks eye contact with her.

"Oh!" Maru stumbles backwards on the porch, holding her hands up. "I'm sorry! I just- uh-" She falters over her words, clearly taken aback.

"Spit it out."

"Can you put down the gun? Please?" Maru chooses her words carefully, keeping her hands in the air.

"I thought I made it perfectly fucking clear I didn't want anyone bothering me." He moves the gun downward, but his gaze still seems to burn through her.

"Well, yes, but..."

"But you wanted to anyways, right? You decided your high-fucking-horse is more important than my privacy."

There's a long pause before Maru says anything. She just stands there, gawking at him. "I just wanted to tell you about the meteor shower tonight. Everyone's going to be gathered at the beach, if you wanted to come." She speaks simply before turning around and stepping off the porch. "Yeah. I'm aware." He slams the door, the screens rattling as he locks it. "Yoba damn everyone in this fucking town." He grumbles and hides the gun once more.

Grabbing whatever clothes he could find from his dresser, he stares at himself in the mirror. So much for keeping up appearances, huh? He takes a deep breath and runs some hair gel through his hair, a toothbrush hanging out of his mouth. He gags and spits into a bucket of lake water. His plumbing hadn't worked for, well, what felt like months now and he wasn't about to go ask Mrs. 'Oh how are you? Where are you from? How is the farm? Do you have any family?' Robin for help any time soon.

Pulling a shirt over his head he makes his way outside, staring at his rather sad attempt at a garden. He was supposed to be a farmer and he couldn't even keep a few peppers alive, let alone an entire farm's worth. Deciding to water the crops, despite them being... well, very dead, he tosses his farming tools aside and heads into town.

---

The walk always felt long and tedious. He had looked into getting a car before, but the walk to even GET to a dealership was way out of the question, and with the only bus in town out of commission, he was pretty much stuck in town and on foot. The sun beat down on him endlessly, almost taunting him for daring to move during the summer.

As soon as he reaches town he instantly heads for Joja. The saloon wouldn't be open for another few hours, and he sure as hell wasn't going to sit in Pierre's and listen to his badgering about how the farm was doing. Instantly being hit with the a/c of Jojamart he takes a deep breath, wiping the sweat from his brow.

"Quite the walk, isn't it? You should take a sip of the latest JojaCola flavor! NuBerry - a delicious combination of raspberry and cranberry thrown together by our team of talented scientists! Joja is not liable for any injuries or side effects that may occur while drinking NuBerry. NuBerry - Fresh and full of smiles!" Morris spews off like a recorded advertisement, making Rayzan roll his eyes. He instead heads back towards the freezers, holding it open and just soaking in the cold as he sinks to the floor.

“Probably shouldn't stand there with it open like that.” A voice comes up from behind him, leaning over his shoulder.

“You and I both know you don't care about their electric bills.” Rayzan smirks as he looks up to see Shane leaning over him. “Unless you've suddenly had a change of heart?” He puts a hand to his heart, leaning back.

“Nah. Last I heard there was some freezer monster back there. Snatches up kids that don't know better.” Shane quips and stands up straighter. “Besides, I gotta put these in there.” He motions to a palette of frozen pizza boxes.

“Mind if I nab one of those to go?”

“Hey, if you can get it past Morris be my guest.” Shane pauses, “But if you get caught I didn't see shit.” He grins before going back to restocking the freezer.

“You underestimate me greatly.” Rayzan snatches a box off of the pile, waiting until Morris was busy doing who-knows-what until stealthily stepping out the door with it.

“Oi, watch it kid.” Pam exclaims as Rayzan runs directly into her, almost dropping his box.

“Whatever.” Rayzan grumbles and rushes past her, wondering where the hell he could keep this for the time being. There was no way he was walking all the way back home for just this. Looking around he exhales before checking his watch. 10:04 am. Fuck. What was he supposed to do for at least another two hours before the saloon opened?

He could go to the mines... but that didn't solve his pizza dilemma. He groans before staring down at the river. Maybe... No, that would make it soggy. Shit. He settles on hiding it behind a rock in the shade – at least it would stay cool there. Wiping his hands off he heads past Pierre's, only to get stopped on his way.

“Hey, Rayzan! How is the farm coming along? You know, if you need anything we-”

“Yeah, yeah. You sell seeds and shit. I'm thoroughly aware. It's the only fucking shit you sell.” Rayzan interrupts her, turning back around with his arms crossed.

“Well... Pierre and I have discussed expanding our stock recently. If you have anything you'd like to see feel free to let us know!” Caroline smiles, holding up a small basket of tomatoes. “These are freshly grown from our garden, they're rather fresh, too. We were thinking about selling these, would you like to try one?”

“...I'll pass.” Rayzan rolls his eyes, continuing up the path.

“Oh, well, I'll see you later at the meteor shower then!”

“Doubt it.” He picks up his pace, running up towards the mountains. The air always feels crisper up here, fresher. He takes a moment to breathe as he reaches Robin's house, then immediately ducks by it. There was no way he was sticking around for more pleasant conversations with the townsfolk. ESPECIALLY Robin.

---

As he ducks into the mine, Marlon looks over at him and just laughs. “What, are you planning on starting an earth quake and almost killing yourself again? Didn't have enough last time?”

“Shut up. I didn't even bring my gun this time.”

“You didn't bring your sword, either. Or a pickaxe... What exactly are you planning on doing down there?” Marlon points out, nodding towards him. “May be half-blind but even I can see that's not a good idea.”

Rayzan takes a moment to look over himself, realizing he didn't actually bring any tools. “...Fuck.” He sighs in exasperation as Marlon laughs at him.

“Get out of here kid. I'm not in the mood to rescue you again.”

“Shut up.” Rayzan repeats himself, leaving the cave with a roll of his eyes. He heads past Linus' tent with a nod of his head, shoving his hands into his pockets before heading up towards the train station. Oh how he wished he could hop on the train and get the hell out of here. Instead he pushes the door open to the spa, heading for the locker room. With any luck no one else would be there.

Unfortunately, this wasn't his lucky day. Alex sits up from the weight bench as he waves at him.

“Hey man, didn't think I'd see you up here again.” Alex grins. “That offer to spot you is still open. You know, so you don't drop your weight on your foot again. How's that doing, by the way?”

“It's fine.” Rayzan says simply, yanking at his locker door.

“You gotta pull it up first.” Alex speaks up after a few moments of Rayzan fighting with the locker.

“...I knew that.” Rayzan responds, moving the handle up before pulling it open properly.

“Oh! Uh, are you going to that... that shower tonight? Haley's dragging me along. Don't know, might be pretty cool.”

“Wasn't really planning on it. Everyone keeps asking me about it.” He grumbles and grabs a towel, heading for the showers.

“Well, it's just, basically everyone in town goes to these things. It's kind of a big deal, these festivals and all.”

“Yeah, I got that. Now, do you mind? I'm sweaty and I'm not going to wash myself off at home with lake water.”

“You don't have a shower?”

“No.”

“Why don't you-”

“I'm not asking anyone to fix my shit.” With that, Rayzan pulls the curtain to the shower shut and tosses his things down. What's with everyone in this town being so damn talkative?

---

He spends the next several hours in the pool, ignoring Penny and Alex talking about who knows what. His day is rather quiet after that, deciding to head to his usual place in the saloon – where, yes, he does get Gus to put his pizza in the freezer for him for the time being. He ends up falling asleep in one of the booths, nursing his glass of beer. He's only awaken by Shane poking him in the side.

“Wha-? Ah... Mm..” Rayzan murmurs, stretching his arms out. “Thought you'd have more courtesy than to wake a sleeping man.” He grumbles drowsily.

“Didn't want to, but otherwise it'd be Gus and I figured you didn't want that. He's locking up here to go see the meteor shower thing. Jas wanted me to go with her.” He doesn't sound very enthused about it either. “Want to go keep me company?”

“Ugh.”

“Yeah. I know.” He frowns, but steps aside as Rayzan gets up.

“Guess so.” He sighs, then looks over at Gus by the door. “Can I get my pizza after? So I'm not holding it the whole time?”

“Of course! I'll leave the door unlocked for ya.” Gus beams before heading outside, Shane and Rayzan soon following after.

“So did Morris say anything about the missing stock?” Rayzan glances over, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

“Hah, no not really. Don't think he even noticed you leaving. Lillian didn't either, or at least she didn't mention it.” Shane ponders as they walk the rest of the way in silence.

---

They pick a spot that's far enough away from everyone else to not be bothered, but close enough that Jas wouldn't complain to Marnie that Shane didn't show up.

“You ever seen one of these things?” Rayzan speaks up after awhile, looking up at Shane.

“Nah, I'm not really... into space stuff. There's enough to worry about on this planet, you know? Never mind worrying about whatever the hell aliens out there are getting up to.”

“Agreed.” Rayzan nods, pushing his hair up out of his face before staring up at the sky as the meteors begin raining by. Everyone is quiet other than the “oohs” and “ahhs” and other noises spoken in awe of the event. As Rayzan looks around he sees people making various wishes, Robin and Demetrius kissing, and Vincent and Jas playing astronauts off to the side. A faint smile grows on his face as he leans back, letting the sand seep between his fingers. This was nice, despite his many protests against it.

Eventually, the shower ended and the crowd started dying down as everyone went home. Shane said his goodbyes as he carried a very sleepy Jas off, and Rayzan was left alone. Rayzan sat there for a few more minutes listening to the ocean. Everything was peaceful, until a loud crash roars through the beach. The sound shakes through the town, and Rayzan jumps from his spot.

“The f-?” He suddenly wishes he had literally any weapon on him. He hesitantly makes his way over to the right hand side of the beach, staring at the smoldering pit among what used to be small tide pools. “Uh.” He mutters to himself, looking back towards Elliott's hut. No reaction. Was he already asleep? How did he NOT hear that? He shakes his head and grabs a stray stick from by the trees, poking at the object in the middle of the pit with it.

“Uh...” Rayzan repeats to himself, looking down at his hands. If he did end up burning himself Harvey wasn't asleep just yet, right? He'd probably be fine. He cautiously picks up the object, finding it to be - surprisingly - not as hot as he thought. It was fairly large, having to be held with two hands, and seemed to be glowing a soft blue aura. It's exterior was rather dark, with dull white spikes protruding out the sides. Although he tried to pull it apart it was no use – whatever it was, it was rather sturdy.

“Damn you're heavy.” Rayzan mutters as he stares at the egg-shaped object in his hands. He looks up, pondering to himself about what to do with this thing. He begins heading back up towards town, only to be interrupted by Maru.

“Oh my yoba – I could hear that crash from across TOWN! To think something actually hit the ground! And you're holding it!” Maru begins rambling off, clapping her hands together. “Can I see it? That doesn't look like any meteor I've ever heard of, but of course space is really vast and there could be plenty of different-”

“Whoa, whoa. Listen, if you want this thing take it. I don't know what to do with it.” Rayzan begins trying to hand it off, only for it to stab him in the arm. “What the fuck?”

“Oh- Oh dear, are you okay?” Maru widens her eyes, frantically trying to grab it again – only for the object to protest yet again. Rayzan grunts in pain, nodding.

“Maybe we should... not. Do that.” He hisses as he carefully sets it down – thankfully it lets him do that – before rubbing at his wrists. “Fuck, what is that thing?”

“Well, I'm not entirely sure... It seems at least somewhat sentient though, don't you think? Exciting!” Maru grins before turning her attention back to him. “...Right, we should get you to the clinic.” She reaches down to pick it up off the floor, only for it to spray some form of mist into the air. “AH!” She exclaims as she stumbles back, holding a hand over her face. “Okay! You pick it up!”

“I'm not touching that thing again!”

“We have to at least move it somewhere no one else can get hurt.” Maru insists, rubbing at her eyes. Rayzan grunts and picks up the foreign object, carrying it in his arms as he follows her to the clinic.

Harvey looks up from his paperwork as the door opens, raising an eyebrow. “I thought I locked... Oh, Maru, hello- Are you okay? What is- Rayzan are you bleeding?” He gets up frantically, moving around the counter.

“I'm fine, he might need stitches. Don't... touch that thing.” Maru aggressively points to the object. “I need to go wash out my eyes.” She motions vaguely in the air before walking off. Harvey blinks a few times before looking back towards Rayzan as he sets the object in a waiting room chair.

“Alright... well, let's get you sorted. I'll... call Gunther and let him know about this also.” Harvey furrows his brow, walking Rayzan back towards the examination room. “What happened, exactly?”

“I don't know. That thing fucking... Grabbed me when I tried to give it to Maru.” Rayzan hisses in pain as Harvey looks over his wounds.

“These look pretty deep – did it get you anywhere else?”

“Not that I can tell.” He shakes his head as Harvey frowns. “I feel kind of... sick, though.”

“Hopefully that's just from blood loss and it didn't inject you with anything.” Harvey notes before gathering everything necessary.

---

Rayzan wakes up in one of the hospital beds in the morning and groans as he sits up. “...So that wasn't a dream. Fuck.” He looks down at his bandaged arms with a frown. Harvey comes in with a smile, holding a clipboard close to his chest.

“Well, good news, you aren't going to die.” Harvey smiles before continuing, “You ended up passing out last night so I set you up here. As far as I could tell, there's nothing lethal in your blood stream either. Maru and Gunther are in the waiting room discussing the...” Harvey trails off for a moment, “Well, if you'd like to talk to them, you're free to. Be sure to keep those bandaged though, alright? And I wouldn't advise any excessive movement... If you need any pain killers, let me know.”

Rayzan nods, pushing himself out of the bed. “Yeah, thanks doc.” He mutters and heads into the waiting room.

“Oh! Mr. Rayzan, it's always a pleasure to see you. This is certainly an interesting specimen you've found here!” Gunther smiles as he stands up straighter.

“Yeah, and it tried to fucking kill me. Can't you take the yoba damn thing to the museum or something where I don't have to look at it?” He glares at it, crossing his arms over his chest before wincing and simply putting them down by his sides.

“Ah... I was looking into that, actually. It seems it's imprinted on you somehow and is rather territorial about it.”

“It's done what? I'm not a damn mother duck or something! If that shit turns out to be an alien I'm not taking care of it.” Rayzan protests angrily, leaning against the counter.

“If it would let me I'd take it off your hands after it hatches or... whatever it's going to do, but until then no one can touch it.” Maru frowns as she looks over at him. “I guess you could just drop it off somewhere, but there's no guarantee it still won't try to find you once it hatches...” There's a pause. “Though I'm absolutely open for helping you out with it as much as I can! Maybe we can be co-parents of it!” She laughs, though it doesn't last long as she sees Rayzan's expression. She clears her throat as she looks away. “Up to you, of course.”

“I'm probably just gonna drop the thing in the river or something. Maybe it'll float off to wherever. Or better yet, drown.”

“Mr. Rayzan, sir, if I may interrupt, I don't think that's such a good idea.” Gunther speaks up. “We don't know anything about this creature – it could be invasive to the local environment. It's better to keep it close so we can learn more about it.”

“Then you take it!” Rayzan picks up a wooden crate, then sets the object inside of it. “There. Yours now. Have fun with your murder egg.” He shoves the box into Gunther's arms and storms towards the door.

“Rayzan!” Maru shouts, but frowns as she turns back towards Gunther. “I think we're on our own here.”

Gunther nods, “It seems so...” He looks down at the object, then nods towards her. “I'll take this over to the museum for now and try to figure out what it likes... Perhaps find a sun lamp.”

Rayzan rolls his eyes as he slams the door behind him. He heads towards the saloon, grabbing his frozen pizza out of the freezer before making the journey home. He'd be glad to sleep in his own bed again.

#my writing #my ocs #rayzan #stardew valley #sdv #dont @ me i based this off a dream i had last night that wouldnt get out of my brain <3

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sunsetsover · 5 years ago

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Talk about yesterdays episode.. tell me everything you enjoyed in detail lol.

first of all lemme just say i’m SO SORRY this took me so long to get to i know i said i’d answer this like last sunday but sometimes shit happens!!! but you asked for me to go into detail so i very much went into detail so!!! buckle in!!!

i’m doing this in bulletpoints for clarity otherwise it will just be an incoherent mess lmao

(also for reference this is abt the 8th nov ep aka the ‘you’re my boyfriend’ ep!)

ok so let me preface by saying i fuckin adored this ep it’s like god tier for me rn i love ben and pam’s relationship so mf much i hope she comes back soon

like the fact that she just knew!! she knew smth was going on w callum and ben more or less straight away and ok granted those two were not exactly being subtle what with the domestic they were having in the middle of the albert but u know... for all she knew callum was straight and had just broken up w whitney so the fact that she knows ben well enough to just be able to Know smth was goin on despite all of that?? i love that it says so much abt their relationship!!

and then her being the nan that she is and taking it upon herself to fish for information with jay like ‘callum seems nice.... shame abt whitney 👀’ and then jay covering for their asses by not saying anything but pam is Not Stupid and jay was also tellingly vague so she was instantly like i see 👀👀

and then ben entering the parlour shouting about ‘bring out your dead’ or w/e it is he says like the little shit he is and pam rolling her eyes and just the easy affection of that whole interaction like her gently slapping his face and calling him a little devil like ur damn right he is!! almost literally!! but there’s sm overt affection and love there and it’s so nice to see bc ben doesn’t really get that from anyone else (he does from callum now, and jay in certain situations, but it’s just different u know?? like u dont even see that energy from his own mum v often so it’s just... nice to see idk)

like i just love her she has such nan energy and it’s so comforting and warm and she needs to be around forever not just for ben but for jay and lola and also callum like ? pls come back forever pam

ben innocently trying to help callum out by getting him promoted to manager when he hears jay is gonna take a step back like!! he was really just tryna help bc he knew callum was struggling w money... and alright, he probably shouldn’t have meddled and i get why callum wasn’t happy abt it (i’ll get to that) but i also truly believe that that wasn’t him tryna control the situation or interfere or whatever but him genuinely trying to help out his bf and jay was gonna take a step back anyway so it wasn’t even like he was the one to suggest it or anything idk i just thought as misguided as it might have been it was very sweet and thoughtful

also the fact that ben’s reaction to jay being like ‘i suppose callum could be ready to be a manager’ was basically ‘yeah man have you seen him in that suit!!! he makes my dick hard!!!’ like !!!!!!! he was so sincere and enthusiastic as well like he’s fucking diabolical i love him sm ..... pair that with jay’s reaction basically just being like ‘........................ anyways’ sdkfjsdkfsl iconic scene

and then later!!!! you’ve got ben practically chasing callum into the parlour when he sees him go in there!! he’s so excited to see callum and tell him the good news abt the promotion!! bc he’s done good!!! he’s helping!!! bc he knows damn well he’s in the doghouse bc of what had happened with pam and like the energy he radiated when he walked into that parlour was very much ‘i am coming to u w my tail between my legs bc i know i fucked up but instead of saying sorry i’m going to give u the sad eyes and hope u relent’ and like u can see he was practically buzzing out of his skin as he waited for jay to tell him abt the promotion and he’s looking at callum like ‘look! look at what i did!! i’m fixing it! i’m making up for my mistake!’ bc this is obviously how he thinks he can fix things instead of idk having a conversation and talking abt things but!!! i love it ben’s so cute

but ofc it backfires bc callum doesn’t want ben to fix things!! he doesn’t need ben fixing things!! he can look after himself! and we the audience know it wasn’t like ben went to jay and was like ‘you need to promote callum bc he’s struggling with money’, it was more of a two birds one stone situation. but ofc callum doesn’t know that, and it comes across very much as ben meddling and also - as callum says - very hot and cold. like ben can’t tell pam abt their relationship and will ignore him for hours but will (seemingly) wade in like some kind of knight in shining armour bc callum said he’s having money troubles? nah. i said it at the time but i completely agree w callum’s reaction, i would have reacted the same way if i were him. and maybe on any other day callum wouldn’t have reacted so strongly, but after what had happened that morning w pam it’s completely understandable why he goes off on one.

and like poor ben is so confused like he obviously really thought this would be good news and put him back in callum’s good graces but ofc it doesn’t bc what callum needed was an explanation and apology. and you can see how confused and crestfallen he is bc he doesn’t want to fight w callum and he really didn’t want to make things worse but he evidently has and not only that but jay is there witnessing his massive fuck up in action. and u can just tell from the body language that he straight up doesn’t know what to do or say so he’s just kinda floundering bc he really thought he could fix what had happened with pam bc what? he half talked jay into giving callum a promotion? bless him lmao

then he goes full grovel mode - even if he is still very ben about it - and is leaving him voicemails (meaning he’s tried to call him multiple times, he probably tried texting too lmao) and moping abt in the cafe looking all sad and stressed and it’s just so good bc he knows he fucked up and he’s trying not to let it fester which is a v good and v adult thing to do. plus the juxtaposition of ben being like ‘u know ur gonna forgive me so stop being a diva and call me back’ and then that soft little ‘please 🥺’ tacked on the end??? delicious

and then pam walking up to him and standing there and just sighing. like not a word, she just stands there and sighs like dkjfkjsdkfjlsdkf mood !!

no but ok that whole scene of ben and pam in the cafe really had me welling up like just. everything about it. the layers to it all. and i won’t sit here and dissect every little thing even tho i probably could bc we’d be here all day but like just. all of it.

like pam’s exasperation at ben not telling her about him and callum (bc obviously she’s found out from someone - probably honey, who wouldn’t think to lie abt it if pam asked outright), ben not even being marginally surprised that she knows bc even he must know how obvious he’s been, and she was bound to find out from someone. the fact that he jumped when she raised her voice and pointed at him - i could make a whole separate post about that honestly that just. says so much about ben. but yh.... the fact that she knew without him even having to open his mouth that ben was gonna say it was to spare her feelings (like that’s essentially what he says to callum later in the ep). the fact that he didn’t really have a good excuse to offer her and he knew that. his sad little face and the fact that he made himself smaller and ducked his head like just his body language in general (max bowden is SO good at playing on that shit, he has a way of making ben seem physically smaller in certain situations and i love it sm). ben being like ‘idk i thought it’d be easier’ and pam immediately being like ‘yeah for u not callum!!!’ like the ‘u silly boy!!’ was so heavily implied throughout this whole scene u can practically taste it.

and pam! pam manages to effectively have a go at ben and call him out on his shit without belittling him or being cruel or nasty (and no naming names but like. certain mothers could learn a thing or two 👀) and actually have ben listen to her. because she listens to him and hears him and respects and loves him and he respects and loves her so she can have a go at him and his back won’t go up and he won’t lash out because he knows she’s not going to try and hurt him or be unnecessarily harsh. and that’s why their relationship is so special. also i’m still v bitter abt the way kathy handled calling out ben’s shit as opposed to how pam handled it but 🤷🏻‍♀️

like it’s such a little thing but it’s the way she waited for ben to speak. ben said ‘i didn’t-’ and then cut himself off, obviously either struggling to find the right words or struggling to say them out loud, and she just waited for him. waited for him to find the words, to figure out how to say it. she didn’t rush him or try and put words in his mouth or anything, she just sat there quietly, patiently waiting for ben to explain himself in his own time. that is the difference between her and everyone else, and that’s why ben listens to her. because she listens to him - and i mean really, actually listens rather than just hearing the sound of his voice ygm

and then they get too the root of it all: paul. he says he didn’t want pam thinking he’d forgotten paul - which is only half true, imo. i think he was (and maybe still is) just as scared that he’s going to forget paul. i think he has a lot of unaddressed issues when it comes to paul and what happened in general. and i think he definitely needed permission specifically from les and/or pam that it was ok for him to move on now - bc other ppl have tried to tell him that but u can tell from how he’s reacted in the past that he doesn’t like ppl who didn’t really know paul talking abt what he would or wouldn’t want. but pam did know paul, probably better than anyone. and she’s telling him that it’s ok. that she wants him to be happy, and that’s exactly what paul would want too. and she would know - she’s his nan. so ben can allow himself to listen to her. he trusts her, trusts that she would know what paul would want, how he would feel. and now he has permission to let go of the past a little bit and finally start moving on.

and that’s hard!! like as much as he might like callum, that’s still a hard thing to do for him!! you can see on his face that it’s hard for him to digest and accept what pam’s telling him - that maybe it’s finally time to let go. it’s just as hard for him to confess that yeah, he does care about callum - he gives her the tiniest nod of the head because he can hardly even bring himself to say it, but he can’t deny it either. and it’s hard for pam too, is the thing. you can from the way her voice shakes as she tells him it’s time to start showing callum that he cares how hard she’s trying not to cry. not because she’s not being sincere, not bc she doesn’t mean it or she doesn’t want ben to move on and be happy, but it’s still a hard thing. the world has moved on without paul, and now ben - the last link to him in a lot of ways - is too, and as necessary and as good as that is for him, it doesn’t make it any easier for them. grief is a weird and difficult thing and i think they both did a good job of portraying the struggle of it in this scene.

and then them having this moment right at the end at the end where they’re just smiling at each other w their heads rested together and it’s not an easy thing and they’re both obviously a bit upset and broken but it’s so sincere and warm and she just pulls him in and kisses his head and he just lets himself be comforted by her and by this point i had a big lump in my chest bc it was a very real and important and sweet moment and i was a lil overwhelmed

the tiny mick and callum scene!! i want more of them!!! we haven’t had a proper mick and callum scene since before the wedding i think and i know realistically it’s bc danny dyer has been doin other stuff and hasn’t been filming much and then when he has been filming obv the focus has been on the ollie/linda stuff but!! i miss them and it was so good to see them acknowledge that they haven’t seen each other much and for mick to acknowledge callum’s relationship w ben (calling it ‘matters of the heart’ 🥺️) it was just Good i love their relationship sm and i miss them and i need more!!

mick being so happy to see pam was just !!!!!!!!!! like everyone loves pam!!!!!!! please can she come back and stay forever pls

ben’s face when he tried to approach callum only for callum to turn his back on him like that boy was CRUSHED and he didn’t know what to do like he just stood there for a moment unsure what to do w himself and it was Gud

the shot of callum drinking his beer looking all mopey and dejected with ben staring at the back of his head obviously pining even if he wasn’t in focus and then pam telling ben to basically get his shit together and fix this and practically shoving him towards callum while ben’s lookin like he’s trying to psych himself up and mick’s just there looking between all of them trying to figure the whole thing out??? high art

ben approaching callum looking visibly nervous and out of his depth... and then callum seeming genuinely surprised that ben had come over... bye

the fact that the first thing ben said was ‘i’m sorry’!!! ben saying he understands why callum flipped out the way he did!!! callum saying he understands that ben was just trying to help!!!! ben acknowledging that callum is hurt and upset and then explaining why he did what he did and how he felt but still acknowledging that he hurt callum!!! the fucking communication!!!!!!!! like honestly it hasn’t been smooth sailing for these two so far but they always seem to be surprisingly good at communicating and talking when smth is going wrong, at least after the fact (esp ben) and i LOVE that it’s so healthy!!

callum doing the very callum thing and being like ‘it’s fine, i get it’ even tho he’s clearly still upset bc he doesn’t wanna rock the boat but then ben being like ‘no, it’s not fine! what i did is not fine! you don’t have the pretend that it is!’ and callum seeming lowkey taken aback by that :-(

(pam and mick just watching on in the background of all of this like the pseudo parents they are like honestly??? maybe the best part of the scene LMAO)

that little bit of nervousness before ben says ‘you’re my boyfriend’ like he said it in a very sure way but you could tell he was nervous bless him... and then the way callum’s face lit up but he tried to hide it and not smile and play it cool with his ‘you’ve never called me that before’ but then it cuts back to ben who has the biggest smile on his face but u can tell he’s tryna suppress it a lil too but failing miserably AND THEN shy ben makes an appearance w his little ‘well you are, aren’t ya?’ like he just wants to be sure!! he wants to ask so callum has the opportunity to say no (though judging by both of their faces he knew callum wasn’t gonna say no lmao) but he’s still ben so he’s gotta ask in this roundabout way... man it’s so cute

combine that with callum’s little pout and squint like he was pretending he really had to think abt it and the tone of his little ‘yeah’ like he was like ‘i suppose so’.... the subtle banter of it all i love it.... but he can’t keep it up for long bc then he’s the one with a massive smile on his face like bro... the sun doesn’t even shine that bright

and then ben’s little disbelieving ‘yeah?’ like he had to make sure :-(

AND JUST PAM AND MICK BEING LIKE AWWW WHEN THEY KISSED AND MICK BEING LIKE ‘HOW LOVELY’ AND JUST STANDING THERE SMILING AT THEM IT TOOK ME OUT FR

ben asking callum if he’s happy and callum tapping ben’s chin and telling him he is...................... the two of them looking at each other Like That....... talented brilliant incredible amazing etc

pam being like ‘my work here is done’ i love HER

ben making a point of being like ‘pam i want you to meet my boyfriend’ he’s so fuckin cute i love him

the whole pam and callum exchange from the hug to her holding his hand and telling him how lucky he is to have ben and then telling callum that ben has the biggest heart of anyone she knows but saying it to ben bc she knows he needs to hear that too bc like... when has anyone EVER said that about ben?? when has anyone ever thought that about ben?? but she sees through all the bullshit and sees him for the kind, soft-hearted, loving but equally damaged boy he really is and she wants callum to know and understand that but also for ben to know that too and i’m crying just thinking about it bc you can see ben’s face change and how emotional he starts to get not only bc it’s pam and everything that must be going through his head abt paul, but also just?? someone being kind to him?? saying smth nice?? god i’m broken

like pam really almost had me in tears in this scene genuinely esp when she was clearly getting emotional (as was ben) and she took both of their hands and told them to look after each other, given everything that happened with paul, and them both saying ‘we will’.... like that really fucked me up.... it felt like a Moment.... and then follow that up w pam and ben resting their heads against each other and whispering ‘i love you’ and it was so warm and full of love and adoration .... the ‘i hate goodbyes’.... the palm kiss.... the fact that ben looked like he was abt to cry as pam left... i was a broken woman truly

and then they just went on as if nothing happened and they didn’t just have a very significant relationship moment with the ‘i am lucky’ ‘i’m glad you realize it’ banter lmao

ben being like ‘u have the support of ur boyfriend 🥰️’ when callum was explaining he wanted to leave the parlour like he really couldn’t keep that word out of his mouth huh 🥺️

and the way he grabbed callum’s hand but only managed to get 3 fingers and then callum putting his hand on top of ben’s like for some reason that really fucked me up......... like gays and hands am i right

the journey ben’s face went on when callum told him he wanted to join the police.... the way it went from ‘haha good joke’ to ‘..................... wait he’s being serious’ to ‘oh god what the fuck’ was amazing lmao

and then him interrupting jay and lola w his massive dramatic freak out was so fucking funny like the way jay just shoved lola off his lap when ben come in KILLED me honestly and like ben’s on the verge of a breakdown and his brother and the mother of his child are just taking the piss and laughing at his expense.......... i love family

yeah so perhaps i went a bit overboard w this one but i did make you wait like a week and a half so perhaps this will make up for it lmao ??? but rlly tho i loved this ep sm there was so much good abt it and i want to keep pam forever thank u for ur time 💖💖

#ballum #eastenders #i fully went overboard with this looking at it now but i have a lot of pam feelings allow me #anon #question

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szopenhauer · 4 years ago

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What may I call you? I won’t give you my number jk you may call be by my name - Zuzanna - or any version of it besides Zuśka you might also use one of my nicknames if you know me better or create a new one if it’s not offensive :)

Over or under 18? 10 years over

Ever believed your house was/is haunted? If yes, why; what happens? besides that one time I saw a ghost standing in my door - my brother or an angel? I believe I brought a ghost from camp (that was writing our names on the walls - someone really died there - when I said I don’t believe in it they threw a pen on me through a ventilating grate/grill or however it’s called (the exact pen that went lost when we noticed the names) it was turning stuff on/off or closing/opening things, I saw an orb once too in my hall, I also had a moment after my gf’s mom’s death when there was light coming from my night lamp basically in the middle of the day after we were talking about her with my partner and so I was scared to go to sleep after that

The building you live inside; how long ago was it built? less than 30 years

If you could go anywhere RIGHT NOW, where would it be? And why? I don’t want to go anywhere rn?

What makes you envy someone? health, no worries/problems, easy life, having money especially when they don’t try, when they do everything against and yet they’re lucky somehow

For you, is jealousy something that makes you more sad or angry-feeling? sadness and anger are very close to each other in my dictionary of emotions/feelings (alexithymia) so I can’t recognize them most of the time it’s like they’re mixed together usually

When’s the last time you smacked someone’s butt or been smacked? recently

Do you enjoy making art? If so, what’s your style like? I draw a little and been making a lot of collages/scrapbooks in the past, I write if that counts (poems, stories, books)

Were you a shy child? my mother say so but it’s not true

Ever wanna run away with the circus? not really

Reach behind you- do you feel anything? What is it? my hoodie

Is English your second language? it is

Have you ever designed and constructed your own clothing? designed and mom remade (some even made) few of them for me

Is your house an odd or even number? odd

Do you wear skin-colored clothes? I hate those, it looks like you’re naked, yuk

Do you have conversations with any animals? why not

Can you sleep on your back? (I can’t, I feel too vulnerable!) I can’t, not because of vulnerability but my health issues

What’s the last special thing you did for someone? sigh...

Do you own striped socks? yep

Do you know how to read palms or tarot or anything else like that? not really

Do you own any bones or other preserved organic things? only dried plants, chestnuts, stones, shells, acorns etc. no dead things but I wouldn’t mind vintage taxidermy of some sort

*I own smth like this tho (not my pic, just example)

What do you think about internet piracy? I don’t mind, I don’t support rich celebs, they want too much, also it’s not like we have a choice when it comes to old movies for example as they’re nowhere to be found

Do you tip street performers? (YOU SHOULD.) I might but you SHOULD shut up

Does being an addict make someone a bad person, in your opinion? kinda

Tie up, or be tied up? hmm...

Do you have a boot fetish? I don’t think so?

Have you ever done home-repair stuff? mhm

Reason you last used a knife? not sure what was the last exact reason but it was def food related

If you could ask someone ONE thing & get 100% honesty, what would you ask? can I ask God though?

How do you feel about magicians? fine

Who was the last person to really make you feel special? @jonasz-cat and my father

What’s the most beautiful thing you’ve seen in the last week? I saw lots

What is beauty, in your opinion? what you enjoy looking at?

Of all the bands you hate, which do you hate the least? dunno, weird question :o

Does man have free will? it’s complicated Would you rather do evil or have evil done to you? I guess evil done to me unless it’s smth really minor Who’s better, Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera? Britney

Do you crave adventure? nah What’s the purpose of your life? no idea yet if there ever will be any Have you heard the term "Luddite?" I’ve heard it Have you ever been elected a class officer? byłam klasowym bibliotekarzem czy jak się to nazywało Tell me something interesting.

Does mental illness exist? excuse me?... Ever fallen in love online? I thought I did How many songs are on your playlist? over 500 Do you approve of math jokes? several are fun

How about "your mom” jokes? not my vibe Are you addicted to online surveys? it seems Do you consider yourself a loser? I’m a loser baby so why won’t you kill me Why do you believe children like stuffed animals? who doesn’t like them?! Would you rather die or have ten random strangers die? I’d rather die unless it’s a post apo and we fight to survive then it’s possible that I would kill to save myself/others or get killed - even by saving someone Do you believe nuclear weapons should be eliminated? absolutely Education? eliminated? XD changed Slavery? it’s ridiculous that still exists Do you deliberately cause physical harm to yourself? ... Ever had a blood transfusion? I haven’t What’s your earliest memory? how dad’s office looked like, I was 2 years old but I have a good memory when it comes to interiors, I don’t remember anything else until I was like 6-7 O.o Are you a good writer? I try Would you rather lose an arm or a leg? leg Is it worse to be considered unfeeling or irrational? irrational is worse to me personally

How much will you accept without proof? depends Ever dumped someone? oh well...

Ever beaten someone up? noooo Do you approve of democracy? two wolves and one sheep decide what’s for dinner...

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kateofthecanals · 6 years ago

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Okay let’s talk about The Scene™

So lemme preface this by saying that I know there are a lot of you out there who are just happy to have SOMETHING and would rather just take it for what it is, and that’s totally fine, I get it. Part of me would love to do the same, but.... if you’ve been following this blog for more than a millisecond, you already know that’s not how I roll. ;-)

I’m going to break down the scene moment by moment and give my thoughts along the way. Join me, won’t you?

For starters, let’s set the scene. It’s after the battle, winter is officially over, all the dead have been burned (you know, that famous Northern tradition...?). Sansa has a good sob over Theon’s corpse. Remember how I said a few days ago that they were just playing hot potato with Sansa at this point, passing her around all the eligible bachelors of Winterfell? WELL...

Next we cut to the Great Hall where things are kind of... awkward? Everyone’s just kinda sitting around, keeping to themselves... Jon is sitting between Sansa and Dany and staring at Dany with these dumb puppy eyes, which, lbr, sums up his whole character.

Now you know how Ghost feels, ya dick...

Sandor is doing what he does best -- sitting by himself, stuffing his face with booze and (presumably) chicken. Gendry asks him if he’s seen Arya, and apparently Sandor knows that they boned?? How?? Who the hell would have told him that? Melisandre? Anyway, Sandor throws him shade for wanting to get some puss so soon after the battle and it’s like... Bro, maybe YOU need to get laid too JUST SAYIN.

Dany decides to liven up the party by announcing that Gendry is now legitimized and the Lord of Storm’s End... thereby making him a contender for the Iron Throne lmao you dumbass. Everyone raises their goblets to Gendry Baratheon, and Sandor’s like “whatevs” and goes back to his chikin cuz he a rude boi boi.

Meanwhile, Sansa exchanges a pointed look with Tyrion and I have no idea what it was supposed to mean but I am sure there was like two paragraphs of “subtext” in D&D’s script about it that we were supposed to magically pick up on.

Tormund then raises his horn to the Dragon Queen, but Dany (rightly) counters by raising a toast to Arya, “the hero of Winterfell”. Sandor’s only slightly more impressed by this.

“Okay I’ll give ya that one--BUUURRRRRP.”

Sansa is all smiles but then she looks over at Dany and she stops smiling and gets up and leaves without explanation and inexplicably disappears UNTILLLLLL...

Tormund hits on Brienne but she swerves him, and Jaime gets up to follow her, and we all know they’re going to do it. Tormund is heartbroken, so naturally he pours his heart out to his BFF... Sandor. This is the second time tonight Sandor is listening to a guy lament about his sex life. Naturally Sandor is annoyed af.

He’s seriously considering jumping into the hearth rn...

Tormund gets over Brienne pretty quick, though, when a couple of Northern groupies approach the table and are like WILD THANG I THINK I LOVE YOU and he’s like SOLD!

Meanwhile, we finally see Sansa again, standing somewhere nearby watching all this like:

Again, I must reiterate that we haven’t seen Sansa since she randomly left the table after looking at Dany like 5 minutes ago. Is this where she’s been? Has she been discreetly watching Sandor this whole time??

Tormund’s like YOU COMIN’ CLEGANE? And Sandor like NOPE still got some drinking to do. So Tormund fucks off with his groupie and the other one pops a squat next to Sandor and proceeds to hit on him.

Gotta get dat Hounddong...

Sansa is still watching Sandor, looking at him like he’s GODDAMN SNACK

“Has he been here the whole time?? Weird...”

Groupie #2 tries to make a move but Sandor tells her to fuck off and she does. Sansa is like (Now I make my move...)

Sansa sits down across from Sandor and says “She could have made you happy. For a little while.” Sandor replies, “Only one thing could make me happy.” When she asks what, he says, “That’s my fucking business.”

Now, I know some of y’all are thinking this is a callback to Sandor telling Arya that fucking Sansa “bloody” would have been at least “one happy memory.” Buuuut I honestly think he was talking about Cleganebowl here. The implication is that not even the offer of free sex is enough to satisfy the Hound’s lusts. Which... sigh, okay, look, y’all know my stance on (book)Sandor’s sexual proclivities, so him blowing off a random groupie is NOT, imo, out of character for him. And if this were indeed the books, I definitely think his line about “one thing” that could make him happy, especially directed at Sansa, would indeed mean what I think y’all want it to mean. But this is GoT, so... no.

Now, him saying “That’s my fucking business” at first made me a little annoyed, but, hey, he’s always been rough-tongued with her. What really counted here, to me, is that she didn’t react to it. While she would have been justified in being like “don’t speak to me that way, asshole”, her face kinda said to me that she knows his gruff exterior is just that, and she knows better. And he knows she knows better. They have history. She’s seen him at his most vulnerable. She’s not gonna give him the satisfaction of reacting to his shittery.

At least, that’s my headcanon. In D&D’s head, she probably thinks his asshole ways are super Badass now or whatever...

Anyway, after a few seconds of eye-fucking, Sandor says that there was a time when she couldn’t look at him (which... wasn’t really a thing on the show?). She says she’s seen much worse than him since. He then proceeds to say that he “heard” about what happened to her (really? how? when? from who? Bran??) and that he heard she’d been “broken in rough”.... and.... just.... excuse me while I vomit??? Now we know that Sanford has no skills at speaking to rape victims, but this was just soooo unnecessarily vile. Especially considering this is the girl whom he had spent TWO SEASONS protecting, one of those incidents being an ATTEMPTED RAPE??? The Sandor I know, the Sandor who told Sansa “no one would ever hurt you again or I’d kill them”, would rip Ramsay’s dick off with his bare hands.

“I’m sorry that happened to you. I should have been there.” -- what Sandor SHOULD have fucking said.

But Sansa assures him that she took care of Ramsay himself. He asks how, and she says... “Hounds.” This makes him laugh, which... that’s nice? I guess?

I hope D&D don’t think they are gonna retcon Ramsay’s murder and claim that that was a direct reference to her connection with the Hound or anything because it totally fucking wasn’t.

But anyway, yay for Sansa making Sandor laugh and smile. He then says, “You’ve change, little bird.” She doesn’t respond. Then he goes and makes things worse by saying that none of that would have happened to her if she’d just come with him when he left King’s Landing.

Um, first of all, NOT TRUE AND YOU KNOW IT, and second, EXCUSE me, are you GUILT-TRIPPING A RAPE VICTIM?? Are you really “I told you so”ing her????? What the FUCK???

Oh but if you thought it couldn’t POSSIBLY get worse than that, then you don’t know D&D. Sansa then reassures him and the world that if she hadn’t gotten raped and abused and manipulated, she would have stayed a “little bird” forever. Yep, there it is -- Sansa NEEDED to be traumatized in the worst possibly ways in order to be strong. FUCK. THIS. SHOW.

This was all said during The Hand Touch. Complete with a little thumb rub. Yes, I flailed when that happened and scared my cats. I have been watching the gif of it over and over it again. But watching it again in context.... what was the point?? Are we supposed to infer that she’s assuring him that she made the right decision? Why? He doesn’t seem like he NEEDS that reassurance. The whole exchange just makes NO DAMN SENSE. I know we loathe the Sansa Apology Tour, but even her apologizing for not going with him when she had the chance would have been 18764% better than THIS.

So then some more eye-fucking ensues, Sansa slowly rises to her feet, complete with a subtle little lip lick, and slinks away in a very “come follow me” way.... but he doesn’t.

So again, I have to ask, WHAT WAS THE POINT? Sandor’s two previous conversations leading up to this revolved around sex, Sansa was pointedly watching him reject another girl’s advances... and now you’re still gonna give me blue balls??? The 2 people in Winterfell who could use a good, consenting lay the most, and they just... walk away?? Sandor is bouncing off to what is probably his death, he even said in Season 4 that banging Sansa would be his only happy memory, she’s RIGHT THERE caressing his hand and licking her lips... but he’s just gonna sit there drinking alone all night??

Like literally you don’t even have to show anything (even though the Jaime & Brienne scene is exactly how the Sandor & Sansa scene should have ended), just have her get up and then he sits there for a second before saying “ah what the fuck” and gets up to follow her... and that’s it! We’d get it! And then HOORAY for Sandor & Sansa getting laid finally! Would that have been so hard??

But nah. Tbh this scene seemed like a throwaway, in the same vein as the Ghost scene -- just get it out of the way as quickly as possible so we don’t have to deal with it ever again. It’s more than I expected, but it’s also just as bad as I expected.

I can’t believe I waited 5 years for a SanSan reunion and they just used it as another excuse to justify Sansa’s rape.

#sansan #got spoilers #got season 8 spoilers

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boymeetsweevil · 6 years ago

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Dead Man Sells no Toes

Grouping: Witch!Reader x ??Namjoon

Word Count: ~5.2k

Summary: Your thoughts have a mind of their own when it comes to the cute delivery human with the mysterious tattoos

Warnings/Themes: SMUT like basically PWP but also where is that plot, sis?, 69, fingering, blowjobs, cunnilingus, mind reading, species-ism? Too many Halloween Town references, Joon with tattoos (lol is that a warning) , its unedited rn

A/N: This is my late af submission for the BTS Smut Club Halloween Smut Fest. Prompt #18 “Please don’t touch the human remains”

You’re grinding up the last of your final case of artificial dried newt when the sound of the crows cawing alerts you to a customer entering your shop. It’s still early, and though you do get customers throughout the day, they’re usually fairly consistent in the times that they come to pick up their orders now that you’ve been open for business for almost 8 months.

“Hello, dear,” a creaky voice greets you.

There’s no visual sign of the body the voice comes from, but that’s not at all unusual and you know exactly who the customer is. It’s the old ghoul who comes in regularly to get a fix for her wrinkles. She’s a couple hundred years old and it’s starting to show on her face, so she comes in without an appearance every time she’s out of product. The unusual part is that you just gave her a fresh batch yesterday; one that’s supposed to last her two weeks. If she’s back and without a form, something is wrong.

Your familiar, Augustus, and his best friend flap down from their resting post on one of the high shelves to sit next to you on their respective perches on the counter. You set the half-ground newt aside and reach out to pet at Gus’ inky black feathers.

“Eudora,” you nod at the air in front of you out of habit, “How can I help you today?”

“I’m sure you can guess, child. It’s your youth elixir,” Eudora says matter-of-factly.

“I figured as much. Did it not work this time? Because I promise you, I used pure Italian imported moonbeams, like I always do.”

“No, no. I dropped it, so I have no idea if your moonbeams are the issue. It’s all over the floor of my kitchen and its reverting the wood back to shoots!”

“Oh,” you breathe. It’s a relief that your recipe is still working, though you know your gifts wouldn’t fail you in such an elementary area. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Yes, so I’d like to purchase another batch now.”

“I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“Why ever not?”

“Because I can only ever make so much with the shipments of dead man’s toes I order each time and you clear me out every time you’re in here.”

“Are you telling me you don’t have any toes? Because I can see a carton right behind you! I may be invisible right now, but I still have my eyesight about me.”

“You’re right, I have some left,” you put emphasis on some, “But that’s reserved for other customers’ orders. I can’t use all the toes on just your orders, that’s not fair to the others.”

“I have an anniversary dinner tonight. Isn’t this more important than anyone else’s order?”

You suppress the urge to sigh and roll your eyes. Eudora may be difficult at times, but your youth elixir is ingredient heavy and time intensive and you charge a hefty price for even smaller samples. But thanks to her vanity, she pays for a rather large amount each time. You’re almost certain that you could pay the whole shop’s monthly ley line bill with just the profits from her orders alone. This time, though, your hands really are tied.

“I can’t violate my customers’ privacy by revealing to you what products they’re purchasing, but I can assure you that some of the orders that require the dead man’s toes are quite important.”

Eudora’s quiet for a moment as she contemplates her options.

“Well, what about leftovers? Can’t you do something with that? Make a smaller batch?”

“I could,” Augustus pecks at your long bell sleeve until you stick a hand out so he can hop up your arm and perch on your shoulder. “But it wouldn’t even take a half-century off. I don’t think you’d be happy with that after getting used to the original strength.”

“When’s the next shipment coming in?”

You pick up the parchment that has your list of scheduled delivery dates. Turn it over so that Eudora can see it, though you’re not sure where she’s standing exactly.

“Perfect,” the scroll dents as she sticks her finger on the most recent scheduled delivery. “It’s scheduled for today.”

Your eyebrows shoot up and you realize you don’t have the schedule memorized correctly. A wave of giddiness washes over you and suddenly you need Eudora out of your shop so you can clean up and get things looking presentable.

“I’ll just stop by later today to pick it up. You can do a rush order, can’t you, dear?”

“Eudora, you know I can’t. Potion making really is a delicate process, you can’t rush it even if you buy those new high-tech speed catalysts everyone keeps talking about. If I were to rush your order, you might experience reverse effects.”

“Oh,” she gasps. “Alright, fine. I suppose I can wait. Alan won’t mind seeing my haggard face this one time.”

“Allan loves you face, regardless of whether or not you’ve used the elixir. Besides, you’ve been paired ghouls for centuries longer than you’ve been using my little old mix.”

Eudora scoffs. “Your little old mix is what makes Allan cough up the extra urks to take us to Cauldron Bleu tonight.”

“Then, I suppose you had better go pick a dining robe.”

“Yes, I really should. But I expect a batch double the size next time around, child.”

“As long as you know that’ll cost you twice the amount, Eudora.”

“I don’t care how much it costs as long as I look how I should. I’ll see myself off, now.”

You wave goodbye, knowing she’s not looking, and tell her to have a good day. You receive no response, but you’re expecting as much.

“Is she gone,” you whisper after a while.

Augustus and his friend squawk an affirmative, so you turn around and immediately put the newt you were grinding in the store room. The large sundial on the north wall tells you that you have a little less than an hour to clean up the shop and perhaps put an enchantment on your skin and hair to make you look a little more put together. For professional purposes, you remind yourself. Not to make yourself more pleasing to the delivery man’s eye, of course.

While you’re in the middle of trying to get your broom to sweep the snippets of rat’s hair from the last hair growth cream you’d been experimenting with, the bell rings again. You curse under your breath and wipe your hands on your apron.

“Welcome to Circadian Apothecary, how may I help—oh, its just you. What are you doing here, Jolluck?”

“That’s a great way to greet your friend.” When you stare blankly at her, she rolls her eyes. “You said we’d have lunch today, remember?”

The wet sound of her webbed feet smacking across the floor remind you that you’ll have to mop after you kick her out. She rests her forearms against the countertop, smudging the surface with the thin, clear mucus that coats her scales when she leaves water for longer than a few minutes. You’ll have to clean that too.

“Can we please take a rain check? Or maybe we could get dinner. I just…I have a delivery coming.”

“Oh! With the human! I’m sticking around. I wanna see him.” “Jolluck!”

“What? Is that not what he is?”

“You don’t know his background.”

“You’ve smelled him right? If it smells like a human and it looks like a human and it walks like a human, it’s a human.”

“If he’s human, how did he cross the veil, huh?”

“Humans cross all the time.”

“Only when they’re screwing vampires, though!”

“Or werewolves,” she points a webbed finger at you.

“True,” you purse your lips. “Either way, you can’t be here. It’ll be weird if you stare at him.”

“You just wanna keep him for yourself. I heard he’s not bad-looking for a flesh puppet.” She grins and swipes her tongue across her fangs playfully.

“Jolluck, seriously, you can’t think about him like that if you want to be here. That’s so offensive.”

She raises her hands in surrender. “Sorry, when did you become such a fan of humans?”

“I’m not a fan, I just…think they’ve changed a lot since the pitchfork days.”

“You’re just saying that because you went to their realm for schooling. Why did you do that again?”

“I swear I’ve told you this, like, 20 times. I think they have a really interesting way of understanding the elements.”

“I heard they’re kind of wrong, though.”

“No, they are. But they raise some interesting issues. And they have some really nice stories and their view of history is so funny. They don’t realize half of their royalty were just warring Goblin tribes that got a little land hungry.”

Jolluck’s eyes widen and she lets out a laugh. “How could anyone not know that? That’s so sad, they’re such simple creatures.”

“Yeah, well, they’re still not as bad as anyone here makes them out to be. And I think you and the rest of town hall needs to stop crowding Namjoon.”

“Fine. But don’t let him know you’re so smitten with him. He’ll try and burn you at the stake or something.”

“I told you, they don’t do that anymore. Oh shit!” You spy him out the corner of your eye, wheeling the cart full of your new inventory towards the front door. “Don’t say anything stupid, okay?”

You say a few words, an unnecessarily powerful hex, and the air crackles around your heads. A sudden gust of what seems like wind runs through the shop before circling back and passing through you roughly. When it clears everything is glistening likes it’s just been freshly scrubbed, but you’re instantly weak and visibly paler.

“Are you crazy?” Jolluck runs to your side, her wet footsteps evaporating off the wooden floors like she never stepped there. “All this for a human male?”

“Look, you can see your reflection in the countertops,” you smile dizzily at her.

Namjoon stands politely in front of the glass, waiting for the shop’s magic to acknowledge you of his presence. Seconds later the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, though you know he’s there because you can see him. With a feeble flick of your wrist, the door opens. He rests his open palm on the doorjamb as is customary and pulls the dolly laden with goods behind him.

“Morning,” he greets, with his back turned to you so he can set the boxes on the ground. His bare arms flex as they work to keep the glass jars inside from jostling. The tattoos running from wrist to shoulder are a web of black lines of varying weights. They suit him.

“Hi there.”

He turns quickly at the sound of Jolluck’s voice and notices that she’s holding you up like she’s carrying your dead weight because she is.

“Hi, I’m Namjoon,” he takes a few hesitant steps forward until he can make out the swirling pattern of Jolluck’s scales. He gestures towards you. “Is she okay?”

“Yeah, she’s fine. She was just biting off more than she can chew and now she’s half dead. Isn’t that right?”

“Shut up,” you mutter.

You manage to prop yourself up on the counter so you can look up at Namjoon. A large, sleepy smile parts your lips as you take in his adorable dimple and plush lips. He really is very nice-looking, regardless of what the townspeople say. You don’t even mind his smell that much.

His cheeks flush and he bites down on his lip, grinning at his shoes.

“Are you okay to check the inventory and sign off?”

“Hmm, yeah. I just need a drink. Jolly, can you get me a drink?”

She huffs, but brushes past the heavy velvet curtain to find a bottled energizer somewhere in the back of the store room. She returns moments later with a little glass flask that’s stopped with a cork. Which would be fine if you had some strength in your arms, but you’re still very much 80% noodle.

“Namjoon, you can open this, right?”

“Sure,” he smiles and takes the jar from you. His hands are oddly soft for someone whose job consists of heavy lifting and sorting through tons of perilous ingredients to sell to people like you.

Your head lolls to rest on your shoulder and you wonder briefly what his hands would feel like against the skin of your waist or your arms or your inner thighs. He chokes a little and nearly drops the vial but manages to snap it out of the air before it can shatter.

He gives it back to you wordlessly and wipes his now sweaty palms on the fabric of his pants.

“So, what do you have for me?”

“Just the usual shipment.”

“I know, but maybe you can, uh, read it out loud for me. Jog my memory?” You’re being over the top, you know it. But you really like his voice, too. Everything about him is just so…nice.

“Alright. The first thing on the list is standard toadstools, a grade and rehydrated.”

“Hand-picked?” You take a shot of the energizer.

“By yours truly.”

“Nice,” is all you say as you eye his hands once more.

Jolluck leans over to hiss into your ear. “This is disgusting and I’m starving. When are we doing lunch?” “When he stops telling me everything I ordered,” you hiss right back out of the corner of your mouth. “What else is there?”

“There’s more lilac, sage, thyme, and wolf’s bane. Those are all local except for the sage. But I got you a good deal at the market.”

“How nice of you.”

As he lists the other supplies he brought with him, you take the time to nurse your bright green energizer and look Namjoon over some more.

Perhaps you spent too much time in the human realm, but you really do think he’s loads better than that daemon boy Yoongi, who breezes through the shop every so often to show off his solid gold watch collection. Namjoon is tall and nice, and always has a pretty blush around you. You don’t even mind the way he smells, it’s actually not as bad as you remembered during your time at human college.

“Sorry about not bringing the dead man’s toes. I guess the graveyards were a little empty this week. But that’s everything, I think,” he says with finality, folding his list and shoving it in his back pocket. He begins deconstructing the rolling cart he took with him, now that it’s no longer in use with the boxes having been unloaded onto the ground.

“Oh.”

You can’t help but be disappointed that your time with him is ending so soon. And right when you got your strength back, if the tickling hum running through your veins is any indication of the energizer’s effect. So much energy is coursing through you that some magic starts to spark out of your fingers. You quickly hide your hands behind you back, not wanting him to see the sparks and think you’re some young witch with no control over her magic. Although, wiping yourself of nearly all your energy moments before he arrived just to clean the shop sounds like something you might have also done when you were a mere teen.

Jolluck emerges from the stairs in the back that lead to your apartment on the second floor. “Your cabinets are all empty. And your fridge. I’m going shopping.” She waves something that looks suspiciously like your wallet, the urks in it jingle mockingly.

A thought pops into your head, so you decide to just run with it.

“N-namjoon, do you think you could stick around? I’m still feeling kind of shaky and Jolluck is heading to the southern market.”

“The southern market? Why would I go there when I could just go to the one by the Elder woods?”

“Just go,” you give her a smile of mostly bared teeth. You turn to Namjoon again, once Jolluck is out the door. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“I don’t mind. Where should I put them?”

“In the back. I’ll show you.”

You wait for him to pick up the first box, relishing in the way the muscles in his back bunch and coil as he hefts it up into his arms with a soft grunt. He follows behind you quietly while you lead the way.

“Wow.” He takes in the rows and rows of shelves behind the curtain. Each one packed full with various ingredients or preserved things for rituals that are shelf-stable. “You’re no joke.”

“Guess you could say that,” you lean against a wall and watch him open the box. “I was the top of my classes.”

“In witching school?”

“And at a human college?”

“Really,” he stops to peer down at you. “So, you don’t mind humans, then?”

“Not anymore than I mind the folks here. They both have their ups and downs.”

“And I suppose you’ve heard what everyone’s had to say about me?”

He holds up two jars of pickles hooves, unsure of where to put them. You push yourself off the wall and take them from him. He follows behind once again to move the box, and hand you each jar as you stack them on the appropriate shelf.

“I mean, people definitely like to talk to me about you.”

“About my being a human?”

“Yeah, sort of. But probably more because you’re human. People think I love all things human just because I went to school with them.”

“Well, what do you think?”

“About humans?”

“About me.”

Before you can stop yourself, your tongue sticks out playfully between your teeth. “You really wanna know?”

“I do,” he smiles down at you, another jar in hand.

With a crooked finger, you beckon him closer and he moves in with head cocked to the side. You lean in close enough that your lips just barely graze the shell of his ear. He shivers.

“I don’t think you’re really human,” you whisper before grasping the jar and tugging, but it doesn’t budge.

Namjoon stares down at you, wide eyed, before snapping out of his surprise and tugging the jar back, bringing you stumbling with it.

“How’d you know,” he says back in an equally hushed voice.

“What’s that saying you guys have? The nose knows?”

“It was because of my smell? Seriously?”

“What can I say? I spent a lot of time with humans while I was at school with them. I know that smell anywhere. And you do smell like them, but…you also don’t.”

“How do you know it’s not just because I spend a lot of time fae people?”

“Is that why?”

“No,” he grins. You swear it must be a trick of the light, but his eyes flash unnaturally for a second. “My dad was human, but his dad was a seer and my mom was a quarter elf.”

“I knew it. You smell too much like silver to be a human. Not enough copper in you.”

“Congrats on guessing right.”

“Can you do any magic? I know it tends to be weaker when it’s not matrilineal, but genes are funny things.”

“I can’t do much outward production. Mostly just life-force projection, see?”

He pushes up the sleeve of his T-shirt and flexes his bicep, bringing the tattoos into focus. You realize upon closer inspection that they’re moving now. The lines weave together in a periodic fashion, an organic rhythm. Like the tides or another being’s pulse. He pulls up the hem of his shirt to reveal that the tattoos continue down his flanks and spread onto the ridges of his otherwise flat abdomen. Your hand itches to reach out and traces the lines. Would you feel his life-forces thrumming under your finger? Would yours expel to meet his? Were they even compatible enough to do that? You hoped so.

“Wow.”

“I can also um,” he trails off.

“You can also what? You can tell me. Is it embarrassing?”

“Not for me,” he smirks. When you squint out of confusion, his cheeks color and he looks down at the ground. “I have level 2 telepathy.”

“Oh. That’s cool. Why is that embarrassing?”

“I mean, it’s not embarrassing for me. But it sometimes is for other people. Since it’s combination mirrored and tactile telepathy.”

You choke on an inhale and get sent into a coughing fit when you realize that Namjoon can feel your thoughts about him on his skin. It’s probably a side effect of the tattoos he has, so it’s probably not super strong, but it still means that every time you made eye contact with him and thought about how broad his shoulders looked, he felt it in his shoulders. All those times you’d lusted after him while he brought in your orders, he’d felt them.

“I am so sorry,” you gasp with tears of embarrassment pricking at the corners of your eyes. “Had I known, I would have never, ever asked you to stick around so much. I hope I didn’t make you too uncomfortable. For what its worth, I am truly sorry.”

“It’s really fine. It’s a lot better than what everyone else was thinking when they thought a human had managed to infiltrate town to burn everything to the ground.”

“But still! You shouldn’t have to endure either of those. You could have sent your friend drop things off, I wouldn’t have gotten offended. I just… I don’t know what else to say.”

“It’s really fine.”

“How could it be fine?”

“Because I wasn’t bothered by it,” he admits with a soft smile.

Silently, he takes your hand and places it just millimeters above his forearm. Your life-force, a pale yellow liquid fire, crackles up on the edges of your skin and tangles with his own syrupy black one. A phenomenon that occurs when life force resonance frequencies are compatible.

“Shit.” “Yeah,” he parrots back quietly. “Shit.”

You take a chance and hurl yourself at him. The force takes him by surprise and you manage to knock him onto the floor, barely missing the box containing precious jars of dead man’s toes. But you don’t care because his instantly come to skate up your arms, down your back, to cup your butt. He squeezes appreciatively and lets out a low groan when you reward him with wet, open-mouthed kisses down the column of his neck.

His hands find their way underneath your uniform tunic and press brands into your skin. You keep kissing the parts of his face in a disorganized fashion. First his chin, then his clavicle, then the deep dimple in his cheek, and finally the corner of his mouth. He turns and captures your lips with his own, startling you into submission. At first, he explores the landscape of your mouth with fervent presses and caresses, but eventually he grows curious enough to probe. His tongue sneaks out to lick at the seam of your lips and you open up for him immediately, air from your pants puffing out in between you.

The feeling of his tongue sliding lazily against the tip of yours, dancing along the tender inside of your lip, has you clenching in vain. You move unconsciously so his thigh slots in between yours and begin to rock your hips against him, hoping for a bit of friction.

He chuckles against your mouth before pulling away from a soft, slick sound. “In a hurry?”

“Yeah. I want you to fuck me. What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing wrong with that.”

He curses when his hands finally meet the globes of your breasts. They’re free in the loose material of your tunic and they make for a pleasant weight in his large hands. His thumbs come out to swipe a finely mirrored pattern over your nipples. When you respond with a high whine, he twists them roughly. Almost as if he has control over them, your hips snap against him. Your writhing over him eggs on the growing erection in his trousers, which you can feel nudging your pelvis with every inward thrust.

Your life force is excited enough from the amorous activity that its flowing steadily around your limbs like a ribbon satellite. You ignoring the way thick globules of Namjoon’s life force start to raise from the tattoos to trade spots with some of your own fiery energy. You read about what that means once, but now you couldn’t give two shits about whatever class notes you internalized from school.

“Namjoon, touch me,” you whine when the beginnings of your arousal start to soak your underwear.

“I thought I was touching you.”

You roll your eyes and redirect one of the hands that been rolling your breasts down into your pants. He hisses at the sticky coating that drenches his fingers the moment you pulled your underwear to the side for him. He crooks two fingers and traces your hole as best he can with his wrist turned awkwardly. You shift until your heat sucks him in and begin to grind your clit against him. His other hand snakes around to grab at your ass semi-roughly.

“That’s right. Get yourself off on my hand.”

“I don’t want to cum like this,” you pant against his neck.

“How do you want to cum?”

“On your tongue,” you admit. You’re glad he can’t see how hot your face got, but you let out a yelp when he shifts his palm even closer to your heat.

“I like that idea. Get up here.”

You scrabble onto your knees above him and slip out of your clothes as best you can without kneeing him anywhere important. As soon as you’re bare, his hands land on your hips and tug you until you get the hint and shuffle forward until you’re almost seated over his chin.

“You smell good,” he says with a deep inhale. He stretches his neck out and presses an open kiss to your clit, making sure to suck as he pulls away, bringing moisture with him. He licks his lips clean before doing it again and again until you’re shaking and have to brace yourself by leaning forward on your hands.

Finally, he pushes down on your hips, motioning you to sit on his face properly. The moment that you do, the flat of his tongue comes out to collect the dew and undulate against you in broad strokes. When he reaches your entrance he dips in shallowly, collecting more of your arousal, and then repeating. During the first few swipes of his tongue, you try to be courteous of his neck and face, try not to overwhelm him. But once he starts slurping obscenely, your hips move on their own accord. You grind yourself sinuously on his tongue, moaning without any restriction.

When he adds a thumb into the mix, rubbing at your clit, so he can attempt to fuck into you with his tongue. Your head drops forward and you notice that Namjoon is still wearing all of his clothes. You decide this won’t do and put your weight on one hand so you can undo his trousers with the other. It’s a little fumbly and it takes a few tries, but you manage to not only loosen his pants but also push them and his underwear down far enough that his erection can swing forward. You swipe away at clouds of his life force that are happily bumbling around your hand and stroke the length of his shaft. He’s not expecting the sudden touch and jumps, bumping you a little bit.

You spit into your palm before going back into to stroke him in earnest. Its doesn’t take long for your arm to get tired trying to jerk him off from your far away position. You try to inch forward without moving out reach of his mouth.

“Why are you moving away,” he mumbles against your inner thigh.

You don’t answer at first, so he sucks a teasing hickey on the sensitive skin there, causing you to nearly topple over face-first onto his lower stomach.

“You’ll see why. Just be patient.”

Soon you’re hovering over his pelvis and readjust your lower body so that you’re still positioned over Namjoon’s mouth. He tries to peer up curiously but the feeling of your mouth engulfing him instantly clues him in to what you’re doing.

“Fuck,” he groans at the feeling of you bobbing the warm, wetness of your mouth over his length.

The tip of your tongue nudges at his slit and his eyes roll into the back of his head. Before he gets too caught up in the feeling of you caressing the bottom part of his slick shaft, he returns to your center. He starts licking back into you with a vengeance, almost like he’s competing with you. His head moves up and down with the added force his lips parting your petal-soft folds. Your clit is still trapped in the loop of constant figure eights that he skates over the nub. You whine around him and the vibrations wring a moan out of him.

He senses that you’re losing the battle with your orgasm. The way your thigh’s tremble on either side of his head clues him in as well. He pulls back briefly and you hum around him from above.

“Ride my face,” is all he says before gripping your thighs and pressing you tightly against him. He flexes the body of his tongue before shaking his head back and forth against your clit.

The direct stimulation short circuits your brain and you nearly forget to keep jerking him off while the quakes of your high take over your body. Short, choked breaths leave you as you climax, dripping onto his tongue and the lower half of his face. Part of you bemoans the fact that you won’t see his face when he cums, so you soldier on as best you can and redouble your efforts to make him feel good as well.

Almost like a feedback mechanism, your indecent thoughts coupled with the actual onslaught of your mouth have him giving you all he still can until you sneak up on him with a well-timed deep swallow as he thrusts up into your throat and just the right amount of pressure near his perineum. His body goes rigid as he spills into your mouth, and you bob your head to milk him of every last drop. Even after muscles in his thighs stop rippling, you suckle lightly at the tip to clean him up, and he squirms under you out of sensitivity. “Please don’t touch the human remains,” he drones with closed eyes, feigning death by blowjob.

“Oh, stop it,” you drum your fingers against his abdomen. “You’re not even human.”

“Not completely.”

“At least you’re not dead.”

“No, I think I am. I think you swallowed my soul.”

“Well, if you’re really dead, can I borrow your toes?”

#btssmutclub #bangtan bookclub #networkbangtan #bscproject #btswriters #bttnetwork #hyunglinenetwork #bts smut #bts scenarios #bts imagines #bts fanfction #bangtan fanfic #bangtan scenarios #namjoon fanfic #namjoon imagine #namjoon scenarios #kim namjoon

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leam1983 · 5 years ago

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On Netflix and the BBC’s “Dracula”...

It’s late, so I’ll keep it short.

It’s symptomatic of every great thing and every massively visible wart that’s always characterized the Gatiss/Moffatt pairing. If you’ve loved anything between the newer Doctor Who series to Jekyll or Sherlock, you’ll love it. Or, well, you’re liable to love the first two episodes. The third one is where things get hairy, as you’d expect of a Gatiss/Moffatt product at the end of its lifespan.

On the good side, Claes Bang’s Dracula is very, very, unapologetically Gatiss in his demeanor. Cut from the same cloth as James Nesbitt’s Mr. Hyde, Matt Smith’s Doctor or Cumberbatch’s Sherlock, he feels glib and suave, manipulative and urbane, chatty and witty - a far cry from your usual gloomy caped gentleman with the pointy teeth and the requisite inscrutable accent. This is more or less Dracula as a game show host, as that dangerously clever neighbor or acquaintance of yours you know you shouldn’t trust - but damn, that smile of his!

No spoilers on offer, but as is to be expected, some characters are here substantially remixed and re-jiggered. This adaptation’s particular take on Van Helsing has to be the best one by far, presenting this particular character as a tart, no-nonsense and whip-smart sort who more or less comes quickly across as Dracula’s intellectual equal and his would-be partner. Bang briefly channels Lecter even as his nemesis feels like a less-statuesque and more spry take on Clarice Starling, the end result being snappy dialog and exposition scenes between two of classic horror literature’s mainstays. Van Helsing’s character is interestingly deepened, and Dracula’s roots as Victorian England’s moral panic made flesh are addressed, then cleverly pushed aside. This bloodsucker’s not just a sexpot, he’s a hopeless addict who wishes he could trade his fix for anything else, and a socialite who’s as much starved for attention as he is for fresh plasma. Sex, in and of itself, isn’t as important as you’d assume, even if Sister Agatha opens her line of questioning with Jonathan Harker by asking him if he’s had sexual intercourse with the Wallachian aristocrat...

Venereal disease, thy name is Dracula...

The first two episodes take their sweet time in de-constructing and rebuilding the Dracula mythos, going from a police procedural gone Horrorshow to a Whodunit set aboard a ship sailing to Whitby’s iconic crumbling abbey and blackened shores. Both give ample room for Bang and Dolly Wells to work their craft, the second one impishly passing the proverbial deerstalker cap to the Count...

We all know there’s a killer onboard the Demeter, but it can’t possibly the dark-haired gentleman with his crooked teeth and disarming smiles, could it? The very same man who’s more or less headlined the investigation as the eccentric big-brained sort stuck with a posse of murderous oafs and money-hungry fops all worthy of an Agatha Christie cast?

Things unfold more or less like you’d expect, if you’ve read the novel, only we get more of a sense of how these people died. Dracula reaches Whitby, and then...

Then, the miniseries takes a nosedive. The easiest twist ever reveals that Drac’s spent a tad too much time in that last dirt box of his, and awakens in modern-day England, after walking up the seabed and the beachfloor Dawn of the Dead style. We meet the rest of the cast, all reduced to quick-and-dirty archetypes, introduce the Count to concepts such as smartphones, plasma TVs and democracy, and present bureaucracy as the bloodsucker’s most precious ally. In walks Gatiss as the least-memorable Renfield incarnation to date, reduced to looking merely drab and utilitarian while scribbling Dracula is my master, Dracula is my god in the weekend edition’s crossword puzzle...

Lucy Westenra pops up - and yes, we did see Mina Murray, if all-too-briefly - she’s vamped, suitably dispatched; and it’s only now, in the series’ last minutes, that the scriptwriters pull out the laziest cop-out imaginable.

Suffice it to say, someone probably saw a parallel to be made between Batman, the Joker, and Van Helsing and Dracula, and opted to make the pair abruptly consummate their union. Deductive reasoning amounts to “Yo, Transylvanian superstitions are dumb, bro - the sun can’t hurt you! Drop your cross fixation, it’s just jewelery!” and Dracula dies a freed man after inexplicably choosing to snack on the disease-carrying blood of the modern timeline’s Van Helsing descendant. Their final embrace is presented as a union of sorts, but it simply isn’t set up properly.

Therein lies the issue: a lot of Gatiss and Moffatt projects start with a bang, remain consistent for three, four or five seasons, and then peter out weakly. In the case of Sherlock, we’re left with a cliffhanger we may never recover from. In Dracula’s case, we’re shown a Vlad Dracul that could honestly give charisma lessons to Lestat de Lioncourt, we’re given about six hours of winks at the audience and cheeky grins - we’re more than primed to like this Dracula, at that point -

And then it’s over. He dies, or rather, ends it all.

Imagine if you had to work through a banger of an essay, one heck of a brilliant thesis - and the final ten pages amount to a po-faced summary and concluding statement, with no synthesis provided, no closing statement, no developed argument.

That’s the BBC’s Dracula. If it had been given time to breathe, maybe we’d have obtained something that could have structured that final obliteration of the count’s perceived weaknesses a bit more congently. As it stands, though, it feels like Gatiss looked at his alotted budget, realize he couldn’t fit crucial elements in, and then made like any student during Finals Week with an assignment to hand in, by putting everything he had in the first two thirds. The last act feels unearned and unmotivated, there to more or less parrot empty concepts we’ve seen imagined in other forms many, many times before.

“What if Lucy Westenra were this jaded Instagram sexpot that’s been, like, totally desensitized to it all? Dracula could walk up to her, go ‘Hey, I’m gonna kill you RN’ and she’d basically just shrug and say ‘YOLO, right?’.”

I think I’ll just stick to the Coppola version for the most part, Sadie Frost really sold the idea that for anyone with a position, Victorian England came with a set of requirements that more or less pushed some people down more licentious corridors. Her character’s never read as jaded to me, even on paper. In fact, Westenra’s always seemed like more of a thrillseeker than someone who flat-out doesn’t give a shit.

Still, props given where props are due; Claes Bang’s made for a memorable Count, one that’s packed just enough vim and vigor to make me remember Lestat’s good parts, as opposed to the walking character assassination he’d later become, beyond The Vampire Lestat.

I’d say you can stick to watching the first two episodes and then tune out. I’m sure the fanfic circles could do a better job at expanding the Dragon and Dutchman’s intellectual song-and-dance interestingly.

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flowers-by-the-bed · 5 years ago

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Just ignore this it’s just for me to try and organise myself because idk what to do right now aside from cut myself up and hit my head and I’m trying my fucking best to not do that. But as always I need the knowledge that my thoughts are “out there” rather than just writing somewhere private in order to feel like it’s helped me. Not that I have much hope for that anyway. I was doing so so well, moving on, making progress, taking control of things, finding good influences to be around and getting my work done and it all gets shattered over nothing or when my meds don’t work as well as they should. Everything in my life and everything about me is so fragile and built on such fragile foundations and however stable or genuine the changes I make seem, they are nothing. Even if my mood flips again tomorrow and things magically get better, it doesn’t make my emotions any less strong right now, and it would definitely flip back to this as soon as the next stressor happens. I hate it.

I wrote out a huge post about all my feelings earlier and it made me feel better but I went to post it and the fucking connection got fucked and it deleted itself and that alone has sent me spiralling and im so upset and angry and that just says everything, i almost threw my laptop at the wall but threw my phone instead. I’ve been trying to remember what I said because it made me feel better but I just keep crying and hitting things and myself and I cannot shake it, and that’s my reality rn

_____

I’m so exhausted being me and being this mess and I don’t want to even try anymore. Whatever I do and however much I think I make progress, I always end up back in this situation with no triggers or warning. No progress or motivation is worth it because I will never be fixed or stable and there isn’t a guide to navigate this. Why should I try and move forward when within three days this can happen and I’m back at square one. Either my meds were faulty or this is just me but who the fuck cares which it is because either way I’m just a fucking incapable piece of shit. There is no reason I should flip this quickly and feel so strongly over literally nothing but tiny normal inconveniences and the level that I hate myself because of everything and just in general is too much. I hated myself anyway but EUPD moods make it so much worse and so much more intense and I literally cannot do anything close to normal functioning when this happens. My dad came round to check how I was and I cried for a while but then I was ready to try and go out the house with him, but I saw myself in the mirror and had a complete breakdown and cried in bed for hours and didn’t speak. I’m fucking pathetic but I can feel all of the fucking fat on my body everywhere and it feels like a disease, I disgust myself. I couldn’t move or even think about going outside because I couldn’t and still cant stand the thought of anyone seeing my body. It’s vile and I hate it and even when I have a few good weeks and start eating normal amounts again, seeing my body sends me back into a spiral and I regret ever eating at all. I’m crying now because it just feels like you can see the fat expand by the minute and it makes my anxiety and anger and sadness go haywire. I don’t want to try anymore I’m exhausted trying to pretend that one day I’ll get fixed and I’ll be stable enough for myself that I can lead a normal life but it just isn’t possible. I want to drop dead because this is not living. I am exhausted of my thoughts making me think of the most triggering things when I know full well I am already bad enough that I want to die and hurt myself, and just sinking lower into that spiral until I scare myself about what I’m going to do. Every single month there is something that brings me back to this place where I remember that no matter what progress I’ve made, it’s all fake and down to some fucking pills. And as soon as those get taken away, I’m back to being some pathetic waste of space and effort who’s almost 25 and unable to even control their fucking emotions even at the bare minimum level so I can function. I felt so guilty with my dad here and me just being a wreck and unable to talk or go outside. It’s pathetic. I don’t know why I deserve a head that hates me this much and can’t do it’s only fucking job. I’m tired of faking it and tired of hating myself and tired of knowing that for as long as my life lasts, this is all it’s going to be. And it isn’t a life. It isn’t fair and I don’t know why I had to end up like this. EUPD is ugly and it is vile and eventually, whenever it happens, this will be what kills me. The only things that distracted me even a little was my dad coming over and keeping me busy before I fell back into that hole and Matt messaging me, because it grounded me a little for an hour or so because it was nice to interact when it’s been months, but it didn’t work for long. Those aside, I just want to be someone else. It’s too much, I don’t know how to get my thoughts out, I can’t get the anger out even when I hurt myself or break things, it’s like drowning in self-hate to the degree that you cannot see anything else. I just want to sleep and wake up and have this whole stupid fucking disorder and brain gone or a bad dream. It’s not hard to see why I don’t achieve anything, I will never get to my full potential because of my brain and the boat has pretty much already sailed on me achieving the things I wanted to with my work anyway. Because of how incapacitated I have always been during education because of this. It’s not hard to see why people leave, why I am too much to handle. I flip so quickly and the anger expects others to understand what’s going on when in reality I don’t have any idea either. I need validation and then I don’t want a thing from them. It’s too much. I don’t blame anyone. I blame myself. Every aspect of my life gets fucked up by my inability to control myself or my thoughts or feelings and this is just a huge fucking pity party for me to try and organise my thoughts, just so that for the rest of today, I might be able to move my head away from them now. I’m exhausted. I’m angry. I’m upset. I’m detached from 90% of the people in my life and I don’t care. I just want to hide until I drop or until just one area of my life makes sense. If I could hate myself less and not want to puke and cry and cut every time I saw my body, I’d be able to come with the sad and the angry. If I didn’t react so strongly to the smallest triggers, or felt stable, or stable in my relationships, or able to trust ANYONE, I’d be able to deal with hating myself a little better. If I didn’t read meaning into everything people say and misinterpret things, or have such a strong emotional reaction to people speaking to me or whatever then I’d have more stable relationships and I could cope better with the rest. If I didn’t have such bad anxiety affecting most of my life, the EUPD in general would be easier to control. If I didn’t feel this inability or desire to share with the people in my life who actually do care, I’d find things easier to deal with and would have an actual support system. But by my own design and suspicion and refusal to overshare and burden people directly, I’m a fucking mess. Everything hitting me at the same time, at 400% power, it incapacitates me. I wish I didn’t have a personality disorder so I knew exactly what I’m actually like, and not constantly wondering what is me and what is an illness. I wish I wasn’t anxious so I trusted people’s intentions and could be myself instead of reining myself in and being terrified of being bad at things or embarrassing myself, and never making progress with anything or anyone because of it. I wish I had a healthy relationship with food. I wish I didn’t self harm. I wish I wasn’t depressed. I just want to be someone else and be a real adult. Life is hard enough without an arsenal of chemical imbalances and broken mental Schemas. I was doing SO well and it equates to nothing. I don’t want to be a 24 year old pathetic mess of a person. It’s too much. Although I do it to myself because I’m not someone who enjoys talking directly to people about my problems and I’d never want to burden them, it’s alienating and hard to try and function without explaining what is wrong.

#personal #eupd #bpd #mental health #illness #venting

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