#levihanangstober

[micia-posts-stuff]

Levihan Angstober|Silence/Scream

@levihanweek

I used to pretend to be annoyed by your screams, but now I’m terrified by your silence.

[diomustaine2]

Just chilling under a nice tree

[levihanweek]

You're all probably still reeling from the events of the last chapter (chapter 132 who? We don't know her), so the Levihanweek blog would like to present to you: Levihan Angstober, a month-long event where you can channel all those Angsty OTP Feels™ 

The event will run from 4th October to 31st October with a designated prompt for each week. 

The prompts are as follows: 

Week 1 (4th-10th): light/darkness 

Week 2 (11th-17th): silence/scream 

Week 3 (18th-24th): trapped/escape 

Week 4 (25th-31st): greeting/farewell/free spot 

As always, the prompts are up to each individual's interpretation and all kinds of works are welcome! Just make sure to tag your works with #levihanangstober or mention us @levihanweek so we'll be able to see them and share them on the blog. We're looking forward to seeing your creations!

[tundrainafrica]

Title: Would You Cry? 

Summary: Hange asks an innocent question and Levi finds himself reflecting on his emotions and his relationship with Hange. Written for @levihanweek. Angstober 2020. Prompt: Silence/Screams

Link to cross-postings: AO3  ffnet

Note: I know I’m late to the party but I will be doing the rest of the prompts for Angstober as well and they will be in chronological order. I hope you enjoy! Do tell me what you think.

"If I died, would you cry?"

Levi was close to spitting out his tea. The only thing stopping him from allowing himself that comfort was its price. Within a few seconds he ended up choking on it and having to cough it all out before looking back up at the one who asked the question. "Hange what the fuck do you mean?" His anger both from having lost the tea, the burning sensation in his throat and of course, the pressure of having to answer something like that. 

It was a simple question. Levi knew that. He could easily answer with a yes or no and be off with it. There were implicit questions surrounding that simple question which Levi didn't want to address as he weighed the question. What is the probability of Hange dying? If god forbid, she did die, would the circumstances allow him to mourn? 

Levi had learned already multiple times, that one could make decisions but never know the outcome. With that though, he went for the safe "maybe"

"I would probably cry if you died. We're the only ones left from the old survey corps and I guess losing you would make me feel like I lost my old self and It's probably gonna take a lot to process it." Hange offered her own answer and looked expectantly at Levi. 

Somehow, Levi felt pressured to give an answer of the same quality. "Why do you wanna discuss this anyway? It's useless. We won’t know how we’d react until it happens. What if I die in battle and you have to be completely focused on the enemy to even survive?"

"Would I wanna be the last one surviving if that happened?"

Processing all the possible could-be's and would-be's had Levi shaken to his finger tips. He put his tea cup down. "About the plans for the port…" 

"Hey Levi, humor me!"

"What do you want me to say?" 

"Would you? Why? Why not? You didn't cry when Erwin died, when your squad died…" It was just like Hange to approach this as if it were a scientific problem. 

"And you want me to go back to all those memories and come up with some conclusion on something we won't even be able to predict. Besides, at that point Hange, will it matter?" It took a lot of energy and discipline to stop himself from raising his voice. 

Hange gave him a knowing look and somehow, Levi understood that with his almost emotional tirade, he gave too much away.

"So you would cry?"

                                              Would You Cry?

The general peacefulness of Paradis since eradicating the titans gave Levi enough free time to consider Hange's question. 

He found himself embarrassed when he would have bouts of self awareness of what exactly he was doing but somehow, it gave him an excuse to think about her. 

The last time he cried was when Isabel and Farlan died. When his special squad died and when Erwin died, he was in no good position to even process the death, especially since he had the younger members to consider. 

Was that the reason I didn't cry? At the heat of the moment, and looking back at it, somehow he couldn't explain it. As he thought further and tried to dissect the raw feelings from his memories, he realized at the point of Erwin and his squad's death, he had already braced himself. 

Every death he had witnessed, somehow helped  him brace himself for the more painful deaths and by the time Erwin and his squad died, Levi had already hardened himself for the impact. 

Would Hange's death feel any different? 

He thought back to her words. 

I would probably cry if you died. We're the only ones left from the old survey corps and I guess losing you would make me feel like I lost my old self and It's probably gonna take a lot to process it.

It worked both ways. Since Erwin’s death, Levi had held on to Hange because she was the only remnant left of the life he missed. The survey corps completely changed since Erwin’s death and it was a painful transformation. They had gotten rid of the green cloak and the brown jacket. Levi continued to hold on to those pieces of the old team but a living reminder of the life he lived before. A point of common history and the feeling of  camaraderie was what drew Levi to her more than anything since Erwin’s death.

She started inviting him for black tea after one of their meetings regarding the extermination of the remaining titans within Wall Maria. She was one of the few people he completely trusted and respected even before Erwin had died. Having lost the whole survey corps though, Levi had only become more vulnerable to the only friend he had left from the survey corps. On top of that, with Take Back Wall Maria operating a success, Levi had given himself some room to hope and consider the future. 

That first time they were alone together was the night after they got back. They brought Eren and Mikasa straight to the jail cell and went out for some tea in their office soon after. That was the night Levi first how beautiful Hange was.  She wasn’t wearing her glasses and her one good eye was staring intently at the black tea in front of her. Levi only noticed then how her eyes would narrow intently when she was thinking and how much comfort it actually gave him since by experience, he knew it always followed an ingenious idea.

Her hair was always messy. As someone more fastidious than others, Levi had hated it at first. Somehow, as he got to know her and started to become aware of the contributions the brunette made to the battlefield, he couldn’t help but think that maybe --  just maybe--- she had planned how to tie her hair, so it could fall into place just like that. It was a ridiculous thing to consider and logically, Levi knew she was just messy and scatterbrained. In the end, he admired that part of her too. 

It was as if every part of her personality was there for a reason.  Her wit, her tenacity, her optimism, her enthusiasm were there to fill something inside him that was missing yet, to teach him something he had still yet to master.  At the same time, her bouts of seriousness always seemed to come when needed, always followed by some plan, some well thought-out  information-backed decision which Levi admitted more often than not he would be unable to disprove himself.

The late night conversations over tea about plans for the taking back Wall Maria, evolved into plans for the port, then to plans on attacking Marley started to evolve into something personal as well. It evolved from questions of “What do you think?” Alone in the commander’s office late at night, Levi and Hange would exchange conversations on opinions they would have never made public in a professional meeting. 

Eren changed. Mikasa changed. The old survey corps wasn’t there anymore. 

Without them knowing the meaning behind the possibly cold and hard  “What do you think?” became “How do you feel?” Eventually, Levi and Hange started to discuss the losses of their squad, the loss of their former commander. 

The room was a mess but I waited months to clean up my squad’s things in the former headquarters. 

I started using Erwin’s old pen set  in the office. 

Do you notice that the commander’s office doesn’t smell like him anymore?

Yeah, the new one will probably be more effective against bullets.  I’m keeping the old survey corps uniform. 

Suddenly, it became questions, of “Why do you feel that way?” He should have seen it coming when Hange dropped the bombshell at that time. Their conversations had become too personal, too meta and Levi only realized at the back of his mind, that he had already imagined a future with Hange. He had imagined every birthday, every success, every milestone with Hange there celebrating with him. He had imagined every loss, every failure with Hange mourning with him. 

That bombshell of a question only brought him back to the inevitable reality that Hange could die. It also proved another painful reality: Hange was thinking about it.

                                           Would You Cry?

The rough life Levi had lived meant that did frequently get nightmares: Erwin’s death on loop as he slashed the titans necks one by one going towards the beast titan, Isabel and Farlan’s gruesome death by the aberrant titan while he was unable to move no matter how much he tried, his mother’s death and the stench of rotting corpse that only got stronger as the days went by, the sounds of rats scurrying towards his mother’s body and his futile attempts at chasing them away. 

Levi had learned to live with them. He would get one and he would just go out for a midnight walk, maybe pass by the rooms of his comrades and listen to their breathing from outside the room, a brief reminder that his life was not all death. By morning, the nightmares would be a distant memory, maybe an added motivation to prevent any unnecessary deaths in the next mission assigned to them. 

That night was somehow different. He wasn’t frozen. He was chasing the titan who was holding an unconscious Hange. He was slicing at the nape with all his power. He went to the front, blinded the titan. The titan continued to hold onto Hange, and Levi instead desperately for the fingers. If he couldn’t kill the titan he could at least save Hange. His swords could not penetrate the hand. He tried hitting it multiple times, from different angles. 

Eventually Levi did  manage to penetrate and cut the fingers off but by then it was too late. By the time he did feel the familiar sensation of blade on titan muscle, Hange had let out a blood curdling scream.

Levi screamed as he sat up. His eyes were wet. He was rattled. His ears were popping. His throat was dry. He was nauseous and had somehow expected something to come out as he dry heaved on the toilet. A few specks of blood came out, Levi guessed from a wound that had opened in his throat. 

Levi painfully muttered curses. He took his pillow and tore it apart in frustration and watched as the feathers fell lifelessly on his bed. Somehow, the feathers falling on his bed, allowed him enough headspace to process what had just happened.  It was just a dream. It was just a dream but somehow it felt too real. He was humanity’s strongest but he was fucking powerless to the thing called life. He could learn all these skills but life always found a way to fuck him over in particular. 

Levi got up weakly. If life was going to fuck him over anyway, he should at least allow himself the luxury of a small indulgence every now and then. He went out of his room and allowed his instinct and procedural memory to lead him through the familiar route to Hange’s room. 

He had forgotten to wear shoes. Any other day, he would have been disgusted to even imagine the dust sticking to the balls of his feet. 

“Hange wouldn’t mind.” That was the  only thing he could think of to justify it. For some reason, it was enough.

Hange had forgotten to lock the door. He had expected to see her asleep or maybe be working on something. He had expected her to be surprised at him barging into the room like that. 

She was sitting up in bed, silently staring at him. It was as if she had expected him to come into the room and she was expecting what he planned to do next. She scooched a bit to the right. 

“You don’t mind?”

“I heard the screams Levi. I’ve heard your footsteps stop in front of my room a lot, especially right after your squad died, after Erwin died, hell after every expedition we had and I wanted to open the door for you every single time, especially right after Erwin’s death. I just didn’t think you’d want to show that side of yourself yet.”

“How are you so sure it was me?”

“Levi. We’ve worked together for so long, you can even tell it’s me knocking just by the sound. I’ve picked up my fair share of things about you too.”

They did not need to say it straight out. The warm smile and the casual confirmation of the small details that peppered their interactions more and more as time went by. Levi was fully convinced then and there of two things: that there existed something special between them and Hange had felt it too. 

He slid beneath the blanket beside Hange and rested his forehead on her bare shoulders. 

“You know, I will cry if you died. I’d scream. I’d beg you to stop whatever bullshit you’re doing.” 

There was silence for a while. Levi thought she was asleep and for a while was relieved that Hange hadn’t heard that more explicit confession. Maybe he just was not ready to lay down his pride yet.

 “You said it yourself. We won’t know how we’d react until it happens.” Her voice felt cold. Maybe that was what was needed from his commander, given the impending war. 

But that could wait another day. Levi pressed his face harder into Hange’s shoulders and moved up to her nape and settled his forehead on her bird’s nest of a bedhead. At that moment, he just wanted her warmth.

[gaygemtheirs]

@levihanweek got some angst for y’all. happy (?) angstober 

Two-body Problem

ao3 summary:

pre 132 & (the worst) part of 132

--------------------

Hanji squeezed Levi’s hand gently. They brought their arm up, resting their hand on the left side of his chest. “You know your heart is about this big?” they asked, curling their hand into a fist where it rested, right above his heart.

i’m sorry

[rosaline-kei]

Disclaimer: I do not own Shingeki no Kyojin / Attack on Titan nor its characters.

Title: Cry (One-Shot)

Synopsis:  It’s okay to let it all out, even when there’s no longer anyone there for you, to console you; especially when there’s no longer anyone there for you, anymore. (MIGHT CONTAIN MANGA SPOILERS)

For: LeviHan Angstober. Week 2; silence/scream // @levihanweek

Rated: T 

Pairings: Levi Ackerman / Hanji Zoë

Read it also on / Please Leave a Review at: 

my Ao3 / FF net (will post on FFnet later.)

A/N: I wanted to write something longer, and something that has more content... but idk if i’d have time to commit to it fully so lol have this mini one-shot. Hope it’s not bad LOL. And i hope i didn’t deter away from the theme.

-

The wind hums softly, blowing withered leaves towards his way, landing innocently on the tired man’s path; the next thing he knows, the hushed sound of leaves being crunched echo around the woods, startling a flock of noisy crows that scatter in the grey skies.

Despite this, all Levi hears is silence. It’s all quiet, too quiet.

It’s amazing how the woods still smell fresh, free of the reek of putrid decay or suffocating smokes. It’s amazing how the woods, this aspect of nature itself survives it all and not the unfortunate humans—who have been fighting and fighting for all too long just to breathe another day—that have fallen prey to the tragedies that bloody man caused.

He said he didn’t steal their freedom, yet Levi feels trapped, chained, burdened by the stacks and mountains of bodies that were sacrificed… at what cost? Levi doesn’t know the answer, and till now, he still doesn’t.

If this is what freedom feels like, Levi doesn’t want it. Eren Jaeger’s idea of freedom is warped, and a part of Levi still has the urge to kick some sense into that brat’s crooked mind.

Albeit, he doesn’t have the energy to anymore. Besides, everything’s over.

But to him, death after death, it was over a long time ago.

. . .

As he trudges forward, he thinks about them.

His mother. His uncle. Farlan. Isabel. Petra. Olou. Eld. Gunther. Erwin. And then…

“GAAHHHH! I’m fed up with all this paperwork!” He recalls her squawking the moment he stepped foot into office late at night, in hopes to retrieve a neat stack of completed papers. Instead, he was met with a volcanic eccentric and rain—rain, made up of papers. The sight of Hanji throwing those sheets of paper in the air in her fit shouldn’t be surprising to Levi, at this point. Honestly, what did he expect from her?

For once, he doesn’t scream at her for this mess. He understands her rage, given the stressful times, the predicaments that everyone expects her to formulate a success-guaranteed solution. It’s pressurizing, suffocating—he knows.

After closing the door, he bends down, picking up the pieces of paper, thinking of a sarcastic (albeit, light-hearted) remark to perhaps snap her back into her sane senses when—

“I tell ya Levi!” She turns, points a finger at him. Levi’s eyes narrow, wondering what weird statement or antics she is planning to spout or commit. ���Once this is all over, I’m gonna run like a mad, drunken, crazed person into the woods, and when I reach the end, I will—” Her voice gets louder, and Levi’s agitated expression intensifies as well. So bloody noisy, he thinks. But he doesn’t complain, not verbally at least. Because, it’s better than seeing her c—

“I will finally cry! Shout, scream, let it allllll out and cry like there’s no tomorrow!”

Silence envelops them, mostly on Levi’s end because hell, how was he supposed to answer to that bizarre declaration?

And then, that’s when he notices the tears at the edge of her eye, threatening to fall and break free from the wall that Hanji herself has put up. His own pair of eyes widen, immediately drops the pieces of paper he picked before he stands, about to make his way towards her.

“O-Oi—”

“And I’m gonna drag you along!” She huffs, sucking back in her tears, wearing that pestering grin as she places both hands at her waist. “You don’t get a choice!” She declares.

Levi stares at her, at the tears she forces back down and then at that optimistic expression as if she expects him to have absolutely no qualms with her proposal.

He doesn’t.

“…You talk too much, Hanji.” You’re being vulnerable…

She smiles a rueful smile. “It’s just the two of us, you know?” Because I’m alone with you.

Because it’s you, Levi.

.

.

.

It’s quiet, all by himself.

Once he reaches the end, he finds his body surrendering to the weight and heaviness of everything, and then slams himself pathetically against a tree, sliding down. Everything aches.

His remaining eye, while weary, spots a crow near a prickly bush that didn’t flock away with the rest. It doesn’t soar, it can’t soar; at least not in the same sky as the rest.

It’s dead.

He detests the way its lifeless eye fixates right at him; its other eye busy being devoured by the murderous pests that infests and swarms both the insides and outsides of the predator-turned-prey—Levi doesn’t want to think about it.

He closes his eyes.

There are no screams, nothing. There is… nothing.

There is silence, but it is not peace. It’s grief.

“It’s just the two of us, you know?”

“…I wish… we could talk…” But now all there is, is silence. He clenches the side where his heart beats wearily, then whispers her name gently, longingly. Mourning. “…Hanji.” No matter how much you talk, ramble, rant, shout, scream and cry… I will always listen.

It starts off gradual, soft. It’s like a drizzle; an anticipation for a storm—a storm that arrives soon after as more memories cloud him, overwhelm him.

And then, for the first time in a long while, Levi cries.

[smallblip]

Rest in peace, Paradise

Written for Levihan Angstober (Prompt: greeting/farewell/free spot)

Levihan | + the vets | Rated for mild language | I’ve weaved in moments from the manga, so to be safe, avoid if you don’t want spoilers?

It’s on Ao3! https://archiveofourown.org/works/27247006

Levi and Hanji go on a road trip to the sea with a stop at Paradise Inn. They dream of greetings, farewells, and all the love in between. 

But I cannot forget that, at other times I have been deceived in sleep by similar illusions; and, attentively considering those cases, I perceive so clearly that there exist no certain marks by which the state of waking can ever be distinguished from sleep, that I feel greatly astonished; and in amazement I almost persuade myself that I am now dreaming. - Rene Descartes

Levi wakes to a soft buzzing- frantic at times, but it comes and goes. Nevertheless it brings him out of a deep slumber. And he’s caught in a haze. In this moment, Levi doesn’t distinguish between dreams and reality, there’s little point in dichotomising two sides of the same coin. He feels for the familiar warmth beside him but his fingers meet with cool sheets.

“You’re awake...”

The voice cuts through the haze and paints vivid reality. Levi is awake.

“Morning,” he murmurs against her pillow, “the wasp wants out, Hanji.”

Hanji chuckles, and Levi appreciates how slow everything moves in the morning, how gentle everything seems in the light that filters through the day curtains.

“Can’t have you build a home here can we...” Hanji says, leaning to open the windows. She pushes the air around it with her palm, guiding it, and the wasp disappears into the sunlight, past the sign that says ‘Paradise Inn’. Levi slides his arms around Hanji’s waist, head coming to rest on her shoulder.

“Sleep well?” She says, busying herself with the dishes they had abandoned last night in favour of other, more exciting endeavours.

“Had a dream...”

“Ah... About you and me versus the man-eating giants again?”

Levi frowns at Hanji’s handiwork, there’s still soap on the dishes she left to dry on the rack, but he snaps out of it when she wipes her hands on her pants and turns to plant a kiss on his head. “Not this time... We were lying in a forest, just talking...”

“What about?”

“Staying there together... I don’t know... Building a shitty cottage with damp wood... Gathering berries... Stuff like that.”

“That sounds cute...” Hanji says, she lets out a sigh when Levi kisses her, tender.

“This is better...” he says, and Hanji is swaying them to a tune stuck in her head.

“Aren’t you a charmer this morning...”

—

Levi sees her around the first day they check into the motel. She is Autumn manifest- the girl with the orange hair and the auburn eyes.

She looks at Levi, and he mostly tries to ignore it, except he finds he’s unable to.

“I think she likes you!” Hanji teases, and she makes it a point to wave at the girl whenever they see her. The girl waves back.

Levi, with his limited capacity for niceties, returns her gaze with a glower. And she approaches him one day, when he’s getting ice from the reception.

“Hey...” she says, “I’m Petra.”

“I’m Levi.” He replies, eyes narrowing, “you stare a lot Petra.”

“Ah... Sorry about that...” she rubs at the back of her neck sheepishly, “you just look like someone I used to know... I looked up to him a lot you see... So it’s a little jarring seeing you here.”

Levi sees how young she is from the uncertainty in her speech to the gentleness that she exudes when she faces the world.

“I’ll take that as a compliment...” he says.

Petra laughs, bright as a bell, a little embarrassed. She shrugs. “Anyways... I can’t stay around to stare any longer. I’m leaving today!” She gestures at her luggage.

He bids her farewell. When Levi sees the sadness in her eyes, he fights the urge to tell her to stay a little longer.

She’s got places to be and time waits for no one. Not for the pull of familiarity and the emptiness of new acquaintances.

—

They are on their way to the beach. It’s a year in the making, starting with their big move closer to the shores. They have never seen the sea, and Hanji thinks maybe, more than a bucket list, it’s a call. A whisper in her ears. And Levi hears it too, in the steady thrum of her heartbeat, like the ebb and flow of foamy waves.

They mark one pit stop before the beach, not out of necessity, but because Hanji thinks it would be nice to spend the night in a motel. I’ve never done it before, she says. It’s the early morning when they arrive. Hanji is snoring in the passenger seat and Levi pinches her nose to wake her. She snorts and struggles and they find themselves staring at the sign. The big neon “Paradise Inn” bright amidst a dark sky, competing with the moon itself. It’s perfect Kitsch cliche and Hanji chuckles. She adores it.

“We’re lovers in a motel, Levi!” She clasps her hands and coos in mock romanticism. “This is what novels are made of!”

“Aren’t we a little too old for that, Hanji?” Levi replies, hand coming to ruffle Hanji’s hair. She catches his hand and kisses his palm, “Maybe it’s time to catch up on what we’ve missed out on then...”

—

The sky spills orange and gold, and they only stir when the sun paints a glow behind their eyelids. This is real life. Levi is sure. It had been a dreamless sleep. Just darkness one moment, and light the other. Hanji is curled up against him, head on his chest.  Her eyes flutter open, and she smiles, and Levi thinks this is paradise.

They put in an extension for their stay at the motel, because it doesn’t seem right to leave just yet. Levi goes back on what he had said about motels being places of the barest of necessities, because this is actually really nice.

They spend the whole day in bed.

“Do you think we could get a dog when we get back home?” Hanji says, she’s looking at Levi with the most earnest look she can manage. And his resolve crumbles a little. Just a little.

“What do you want a dog for?” Levi says, ever practical, and Hanji thinks it’s a useful control mechanism.

Nevertheless, she chuckles at the odd phrasing and pouts for show, “Not for anything... To take care of? To love?”

“Don’t we have each other for that?”

“Yes and I’ve got my hands full with you!” Hanji runs her fingers across Levi’s ribs where it tickles and he crumples. His hands move fast to retaliate and between wrestling Hanji and dodging her flailing arms, he manages to correct her because really, he‘s got his hands full with her.

Levi’s got both her wrists in his hands and she’s completely subdued, and Hanji uses the one trick she has up her sleeve. She stops resisting, relaxing into his hold, expression soft and wanting. She hooks her legs around his waist and draws him in. Levi releases his grip on her almost instantly and kisses her. She revels in this little pattern they’ve fallen into. She knows him enough to establish certain predictability. It’s assuring and she thinks this is the essence of a good life.

“I love our little home Levi... And you... And I also think I’ve got love to spare for a dog.” Hanji makes the proposal with finesse and a practiced ease, and Levi grunts a reply.

“Maybe...” he says, hands stroking bare skin where Hanji’s shirt has ridden up. She has her back against his chest, but she can hear the beginnings of a smile in his voice.

“Maybe is good...” Hanji smiles, eyes heavy and blinking. She can work with ‘maybe’.

—

Levi dreams of man-eating giants. It's a macabre dream. Hanji searches it up and she says that could represent some inner insecurity. But Levi is used to feeling small, he's been small all his life. Besides, that doesn't explain why Hanji's there too in his dreams. They're perched on a wall, back to back, the giants come close, but he doesn't feel anything close to fear. He knows with certainty they will win. And they do.

But the dream morphs, and her back is no longer against his. He feels fear for the first time. He searches for her. He asks the others. When he finally finds her, her glasses are smashed and they can't save her eye. But she's alive. Levi remembers taking her harness off with finesse. And he remembers the warmth of her body against his, fevered from battle. Levi shuts his eyes.

When he opens them, Hanji is there. Hair splayed against thinning motel pillows. He listens to the steady exhale that follows the inhale. He traces a finger from her forehead, skimming gently past her eyelid, down to where her lips are parted in sleep. Hanji awakens at the touch, and she's blinking at him, confused.

"Four eyes..." Levi says, brushing against the corner of her left eye with his thumb. The relief of reality washing over him.

"Am at most a two eyes now... My glasses..." She murmurs, pointing to her glasses on the bedside table. She falls back asleep almost instantly.

Levi chuckles, pulling her closer.

—

They had spent the night drinking at the bar in town. It’s the next morning and Hanji thinks they’ve been lazing around too much, pretending they’ve got hangovers to nurse. Not that she’s complaining really, the way Levi has his arms around her, the way his hair feels combed through her fingers. Time is a quick march towards death, but it stills it’s pace in these moments. Hanji wants to live in these moments forever- the moments between earnest kisses and fingers dancing absently across skin.

She abandons her busy thoughts in moments like these. There will always be another opportunity to talk Levi’s ear off about work.

“Hey Levi...” Hanji says, something is bubbling in her chest and she can no longer contain it. “Wanna get married?”

Levi blinks. He wonders if he’s asleep, if this is just a really nice dream. He’s been having good dreams lately, it provides a kind respite from the harshness of reality. But Hanji continues, matter of fact, “it’s no big deal, we’ve made promises before...”

“You don’t have to give an answer right away... I’m just putting it out there. If you wanna get carried away one day, you know who to call.” Hanji says, winking.

The alarm blares from the distance and they get dressed. Levi tests the strap on her chest and it’s a convenient excuse to pull her closer. He kisses her like an oath.

“Let’s try to survive today first four eyes, then we can talk about forever.”

Hanji mocks a salute and laughs.

—

They meet by chance in the reception. Mike is struggling to get the inn-keeper’s attention. You just gotta yell, he’s a bit hard of hearing, and Hanji does just that. Mike gets his towels. And when they shake hands, a warmth courses through her body- the warmth of an old friend. And something like nostalgia pinches her nerves.

She feels it intensify when Mike introduces her to a blonde girl- all limbs like Hanji. She sports an undercut.

Her name is Nanaba.

— Mike tells Levi he smells like fresh laundry, and Levi makes a face.

“Sorry... Can’t help it... Got a good nose...” Mike says, and Levi panics internally. If only Hanji were here, she’s got a penchant for abnormals, being one herself. Well, that also probably explains why she handles Levi so well.

But here he is, looking up at a painful angle at Mike.

They get buzzed on cheap beers later and play fussball with Nanaba and Hanji. Mike and Levi learn they make a great team. The other two don’t stand a chance against them.

—

Hanji feels the shock of déjà vu during the quick sprint Nanaba makes with her from the pool to the shelter. The sudden downpour dashing their plans of getting a tan.

“You know I dreamt of you once, Nana...”

“What about!” Nanaba says, she’s handing Hanji a towel to dry herself off.

She tells Nanaba she doesn’t really remember. But she does remember taking shelter from the rain with her and feeling an overwhelming sense of comfort.

And you told me everything is more beautiful after the rain...

Nanaba chuckles as she takes in Hanji’s state of dishevelment, her eyes hold only affection. “I guess that applies to people too!”

Hanji laughs and links her arm with Nanaba’s. The forecast shows showers all afternoon, and they decide it’s not a bad idea to go swimming.

—

Hanji tells Levi there’s a familiarity in all of this. In them meeting and hanging out with Nanaba and Mike and growing close over the course of a few days.

And Levi finds himself swept up in the liminality. He watches as Nanaba and Hanji dance by the fireplace, Mike reclining beside him, he’s smiling at the scene. They talk mostly about the best teas they’ve tried and discuss running a hypothetical tea shop in the city. They settle into a comfortable silence. Levi wonders if it’s possible to feel nostalgia for a life he has never led.

—

Hanji and Levi meet Erwin at breakfast at the donut joint next to the motel one day. He’s sitting with Mike and Nanaba, all eyebrows and blond comb back and the build of a Football player.

And the picture pains Hanji in a way that’s almost melancholic. She sees them chatting over donuts and coffee and the melancholy fades to sweetness. And she knows Levi feels something too, because he’s staring at the scene before him, and he’s confused. But being with Hanji has made him more comfortable living in the margins of what makes sense and going with the flow, so he relaxes as they make their way towards the table.

There isn’t enough space, what with Mike and Erwin occupying most of it, so they sit at the next table. And they realise the three of them are acquainted, just that Erwin holes himself in his room a lot, “catching up on being a bum... It’s been so busy all these years...” he says.

“Erwin is on vacation to find himself,” Nanaba explains and Erwin chuckles. “It’s a mid-life crisis of sorts...” he says, dusting at the powdered sugar that had gathered in the stubble on his chin. There’s an ease and confidence that comes with experience, and Erwin has just that, his severity fading behind a deep chuckle and a trove of stories to tell.

And they talk and laugh like they’ve known each other for years.

—

“Ah Levi... It’s you...” Erwin says, before training his eyes back on the horizon. They are on top of the walls and the day has just broken.

“Never saw you as a sunrise type of person...” Levi says.

“Oh... Didn’t you know? I can be quite the romantic...” Erwin laughs, the crease in his brows disappearing. Levi rolls his eyes. Even after all these years he refuses to let Erwin get too haughty with his humour. But it makes Erwin painfully human and vulnerable. Even so, Levi follows him.

“The new recruits have been talking about the sea.”

Erwin chuckles, he had been young once, so he understands. Even now, Erwin understands. It’s easy to dream, give yourself to the world. Not so easy to convince the world to give a piece of it in return. “Dreaming is good... Keeps us all young.”

“Puts ideas in their heads... Even Hanji has been talking about the sea... Wouldn’t stop going on about it...” Levi says, annoyed, but Erwin recognises the look in his eyes. Erwin had been in love once, so he understands.

“Well... Sounds like a good vacation spot once all of this is over.”

Levi doesn’t really imagine an end to all of this, it’s really hard to. But when he does, he feels the soft promise of a hand in his.

Levi hears the waves crashing into shore.

“Then you better keep dreaming and get us there.” Levi says, and Erwin is chuckling. “Sounds like a plan,” he replies.

--

“Hypothetically, if we did put in a greenhouse in our backyard, how big do you think it could reasonably be?” Hanji says, adding in a, “hypothetically speaking...” when Levi frowns. It’s sunny out and they’re sitting on one of the deck chairs by the pool. Hanji has her book on her stomach and her hands shield her eyes from the sun as she turns to look at Levi.

Levi sighs, abandoning his book for this conversation. “Does this hypothetical situation involve us building said greenhouse by ourselves?”

“You know it’s part of the fun, Levi!” Hanji says and she chuckles when Levi groans.

“Hypothetically speaking, the size of our bathroom.”

“That’s really small...” Hanji says, contemplating.

“It’s enough for your hypothetical vegetables...”

“Not enough for my cabbages...” Hanji sighs, “hypothetical cabbages...” she adds when Levi narrows his eyes. She’s laughing. If only Levi knew what was in store for him when they got home. She’s been researching the best way to build a greenhouse and she’s got a whole proposal ready.

They will have cabbages for home-made sauerkraut and it will be lovely.

—

Hanji is no stranger to bad dreams, but this particular one had been really, really bad. She jolts awake in bed, breathing heavy, gaze fixed on an imaginary point on the wall.

“Hanji-“ before Levi could ask, Hanji is hugging him. She’s squeezing him tight and desperate like she’s trying to will him into permanence. Her breathing evens and Levi can feel her heartbeat steady where his chest is pressed flushed against hers. Skin against clammy skin.

“Bad dream?” He asks, carding his fingers through her hair, unknotting where he can manage.

“The worst...” she answers, her fingers gripping Levi’s arms still, head buried in his shoulder.

”We were in a river, the currents were so strong and I was losing my grip on you. I peddled so hard... But you were hurt... You were going under Levi...”

“Dreaming about me dying in large bodies of water... Kind of shitty of you when we’re going to the beach...” he says, and already she’s laughing- nervous at first, but it soon grows into something that lets him know she’s going to be okay.

Levi scoots them both so his back is against the headboard and her head is on his chest.

The dream fucks with Hanji and it shows in the way her knuckles turn white from gripping the sheets. She squints her eyes shut and she sees the rush of white water behind her lids, roaring and unforgiving, the currents are strong and Hanji is so so tired.

“You're alright...” Levi says, and it’s enough to silence the scream of the currents. His calloused fingers soothe into her skin. She’s holding his hand now, falling asleep against him. She thinks she can taste the salt in the air, and everything is okay.

—

Hanji and Levi contemplate extending their stay again, but the ocean is calling and they feel themselves stretched in opposite directions. Hanji lingers in the reception, she takes a few steps towards the counter and she stops, pacing back to the wall where the maps and pamphlets are tacked.

“Thinking of extending your stay?” It’s Erwin, dressed for a day of doing absolutely nothing- old gym shorts and a faded singlet.

“Yeah...” Hanji says, and they end up sitting on the steps leading up to the reception. Hange bums a cigarette off Erwin. Don’t usually smoke, but it fits the whole poetry of a mid-life crisis doesn’t it? he says and Hanji laughs. She loves a good cliche.

“This whole stay has been...” Hanji starts, but she decides it’s self explanatory. It’s been an absolute dream. So she continues with “you know Erwin... Before meeting you, Levi had a dream about you once...”

“What about?” Erwin says, curious.

“Hmm... Something about standing on walls and watching the sun rise...”

“Interesting...” Erwin replies with a chuckle, “I am a sunrise kind of guy... And I probably have the sort of face people find familiar huh...”

They talk about dreams and memories. Did you know Freud once hypothesised that dreams are a way the brain tries to work through what we leave unresolved in real life? It’s a way the brain deals with repressed wishes, Hanji says. She is in love with the beauty of it all, and Erwin is too. He makes a mental note of it.

It’s silent for a while when Erwin brings it up. “You should get going... To the beach I mean... If you wait any longer the currents are going to get more violent and you can’t swim then...” He’s smiling, warm and assuring, “not that I don’t enjoy your company... Or Levi’s for that matter...”

And Hanji is smiling back, with a melancholy that fills her bones. It’s silly, and she feels young and small again. They can always make plans, meet again, maybe Erwin can bring that special someone he talks about- Marie- who works at a bar in his hometown. She leans her head against Erwin’s shoulder and feels the tension in her chest unknot. Her cigarette now abandoned between her fingers, but the smoke performs a complex dance as it passes their eyes.

“We’ll send you a postcard of the ocean!” She says, bright, like a promise. And Erwin takes her word for it.

—

They leave the next morning. Levi makes their bed and tidies the room and even to a trained eye, the room appears untouched. Hanji thinks there’s something romantic about transience, and she sees it through the tears in her own eyes as she says goodbye.

“Hanji... Stop crying!” Nanaba says, fingers coming to wipe at the corners of Hanji’s eyes. But Nanaba is crying too. “We’ll see each other again. That’s a promise.” She crosses her heart and when she looks over to Mike, he’s crossing his heart too, slightly embarrassed at the whole scene.

Hanji lunges for another hug, pulling Levi and Nanaba into Mike’s chest as Erwin watches, chuckling. She waves to him with a spare arm, and when he’s close enough, she pulls him in too.

And it pains her to say goodbye, but the certainty that they’ll meet again lingers.

They’re cruising along the highway now, and Levi has his hand on Hanji’s thigh. The pain of goodbye soothes into a dull ache.

—

“He looks like he’s really struggling...” Levi raises a brow. Hanji slows down to get a better look.

There is a man pulled up at the side of the road and he’s studying his map, squinting. He turns it here and flips it the other way, and he looks like he’s about to have a nervous breakdown. Hanji laughs at the face he’s making.

She pulls up behind him and they get out the car.

“You look lost! Need help?” She offers and his frown disappears behind a smile.

“I’m looking for Paradise Inn, but I can’t seem to find it...”

“You’re in luck! We were just there! You missed it. You gotta turn right two junctions before, it’s a really narrow path, really easy to miss.”

“Thank goodness for you two...” the man says, “I’m Moblit by the way.” He says, and he shakes their hand.

“Where are you guys headed?” Moblit asks.

“The beach,” Hanji answers, and maybe she lets herself get comfortable in the familiarity.

“Ah! I heard the winds are strong this time of year...” Moblit says, worry creasing his forehead.

“We’re strong enough swimmers!” Hanji says, grinning, “plus Levi packed for colder weather so we’re covered.”

Moblit is smiling now, a calmness spreading across his face, “that’s good.”

“It’s nice meeting you, Moblit! You’re going to love Paradise Inn! Enjoy your stay alright!” Hanji says and Moblit is chuckling, he’s smiling a little sheepish, unsure of how to react to Hanji’s excitement. But as it is, it’s already hard to say goodbye, and he can’t stay pulled up by the side of the road forever. “Ah, really?” He replies

“You take care of yourself now, Hanji...” Moblit says as he looks at Hanji. And she doesn’t understand why she feels this way for a stranger she’s just met at the side of the road. But the sadness in Moblit’s smile is mirrored in her eyes as she waves goodbye. Moblit gets into his car he turns his attention to Levi, “you too Levi!”

—

“Levi! Wake up! We’re here!”

When Levi opens his eyes from the passenger’s seat, the picture in front of him makes his heart stop. The sea commands awe, and he understands why people write about it like a lover.

Hanji grabs him by the hand and pulls him towards the sand. She has lost her shoes somewhere along her beeline to the shore.

“Come on Levi! The water is warm!” Hanji shouts and Levi sighs and folds the clothes she has discarded at the shoreline.

“Watch it, Hanji...” he says as he pulls her against him. She’s far too excited to notice the waves, and she’s sputtering. The saltwater obscures his vision, but he sees her- playfulness in her eyes, her legs coming to circle around Levi’s waist as he stands on his toes, balancing them both as the tides threaten to tip them over.

“We made it Levi!” Hanji exclaims.

He chuckles. This is the world where ‘I love you’s are easy. It’s not a big deal, they can always come back, have a picnic by the beach, skinny dip by the moonlight. The world is their oyster.

Levi presses a kiss to Hanji’s wet cheek.

—

They’re sitting on the shore now, clothes clinging to wet skin, sand sticking to wet clothes.

Hanji has placed a ring of shells and pebbles around where they are sitting. She’s drawing patterns in the sand now, absentmindedly, perfectly content.

Levi looks at her, hair wavy from the saltwater, blush on the bridge of her nose from the sun. Loving Hanji is terrifyingly easy. So he says-

"We should get married."

Hanji's eyes grow wide. She doesn't say anything and Levi's stares at the sand between his toes.

The sun is setting mid-way, at this rate, it will be dark in no time. They had promised to leave by this time, darkness makes for a difficult journey back. But they had also promised never to talk about love and here they are. Hanji laces their fingers together and kisses the back of his hand. Maybe promises are meant to be broken. Maybe it really is time they get carried away. Levi is holding Hanji's hand to his chest. And she feels the call of the sea fade behind the steady thrum of his heart. It’s the sound of a life worth living.

"Maybe..." Hanji says, she’s always been a tease. But her heart is beating out of her chest and her cheeks are pink. She's pursing her lips, and even then she can't contain her grin.  She pictures herself bursting at the seems, glee spilling out of her like a geyser. 

"Maybe is good..." Levi smiles. He can work with 'maybe'.

—

“I had a dream last night...” Levi says to Hanji at the end of the world, he presses his fist to her chest and it remains there, curled loosely.

“Ah... About the others again?”

“It was just you this time... I dreamt of us. And the sea...”

“Sounds nice...” Hanji says, and she’s smiling. Levi pulls her close by her cape, and he watches as she bites down hard on a trembling lip. She wills herself to stop shaking, and it pains him to think this is one of the many reasons why he loves her. Hanji is stubborn as fuck, strong as hell.

And Levi knows this is it, but for a person who has known death all his life, he doesn’t have the right words to say goodbye.

“We’ll see each other again Levi, I’ll wait for you...” Hanji says, and she thinks of a place between home and the sea. She sees familiar faces around the fireplace. It smells of late mornings and coffee in bed, and it feels like Levi’s hand in hers.

She calls it Paradise.

“Do you think things would’ve worked out between us?” Hanji grins, cheeky. She’s saying what they had both been thinking all these years. She imagines Levi, and a little house, a dog, and a cabbage patch for homemade sauerkraut. And so much love between them that they have to crack the window open.

And Levi understands. He sees it too. In the curve of her smile and in her laugh. They spend the whole day in bed, there’s nowhere to be, nothing to do. Life permits them to talk about love and the frivolity of domestic life. Levi wakes up to Hanji every morning. “Maybe...” he replies, all the love he has for her showing in his eyes. And he wants to tell her he loves her. But Hanji is smiling now, she knows.

They laugh at the cruelty of it.

Hanji slips her hand in his, letting her fingers trace the inside of his palm. “Maybe is good...” she whispers as his fingers close around hers.

She turns to leave, and Levi isn’t one to think about heaven and hell when there’s already so much going on in between. But he is certain this isn’t goodbye.

Later, Hanji. He says, and the wind carries his voice enough for her to turn back one last time.

—

“Did you know that wasps survey a place for suitability before it builds its home? Then it transports the soil in bit by bit for its nest...” Hanji says, it’s a little too early in the morning and they’ve fallen back in bed after breakfast. Their eyes trace the wasp as it scouts around the house.

“I think it likes our house...” Levi says, he’s annoyed at the buzzing and the fact they might have to deal with a wasp infestation in a week or so. Just not enough to leave the warmth of Hanji’s side.

She laughs, bright like the morning, and Levi turns to press soft kisses to her neck.

“What’s there not to like? It has Levi, his dashing Hanji-“

“Tch...” Levi interrupts. “And the smell of goddamn sauerkraut...” In fact it smells so overwhelmingly of sauerkraut they have to leave the window open. Levi makes a face every now and then when he catches an especially strong waft of it lingering in the air. It makes Hanji laugh. Indeed the smell kind of makes her stomach turn now, but she insists it’s all worth it. And Levi is tackling her to the ground, play wrestling like children. There’s more sauerkraut than we can eat in a lifetime, Hanji... What do I do with you?

Even so, it’s lovely.

He has his head on Hanji’s chest and her fingers are combing through his hair, scratching gently at the back of his neck. He hides his smile against her skin.

Hanji clears her throat, clearing the air of Levi’s interruption. She continues. “- and all the love between them.” Hanji smiles, performing for an audience of one.

Levi thinks this is paradise.

[errorzyntax]

The Fallen Angels

Sing me a symphony One for the lost and in between A city of fallen dreams A city of angels Sing back the melody A song for the hearts left in the streets A voice for the out of reach The city of angels

Song: City of Angels (by: Arrows to Athens)

[yerimichi10]

https://archiveofourown.org/works/5478953

dang this AU made me cry like an ugly b¡tch HSHSHSHSHHSHS,,, i really reccommend this 100/10!!😭😭😭

[micia-posts-stuff]

Levihan Angstober|Greeting/Farewell

It’s not a goodbye, it’s a see you later...

@levihanweek​

[levihanweek]

Just a reminder to everyone that Levihan Angstober has started! Feel free to post and share as many (or as little) original fan content as you like for each prompt :)

[tundrainafrica]

Title: Sugar Rush

Summary:  

Marley brings the celebration of Halloween to Paradis. Hange and Levi go trick or treating with their child for the first time and start to realize how much the world has changed since the war.

A Halloween piece for the Levihan spookfest, one year late. (I hope you’re still accepting them.)

Written for @levihanweek. to cap off Levihan Angstober. Happy Halloween everyone!

Link to cross-postings: AO3

Notes: For people who read "Rough day," this domestic fluff piece is set in the same universe. I just wanted to contribute a Halloween piece for the Levihan Spookfest. I am one year late though.

"Happy Halloween!" Hange chimed as she entered the kitchen and plopped her already dolled up kid down on the table next to her. 

"So what are the tacky decorations and costumes for?" 

Hange was wearing a full body suit of the colossal titan while Luke, their five year old child was wearing a mini armored titan costume. A part of Levi wondered how people of Paradis had so easily forgotten the attack of Shiganshina that titan costumes existed and were actually being sold. He had seen a few people in titan suits on the way to the market just that morning. 

"These are all to scare away the spirits!" Hange explained.

"Of dead people?"

"Of dead people."

"It would be nice to be visited by some ghosts. Wouldn't you want to see Erwin or maybe even Moblit again?" Levi had seen enough death in his life that the holiday which Marley introduced to them which was supposed to them did not seem as scary as the people were painting it out to be. The idea of the dead people visiting felt almost desirable for that hardened soldier one who'd seen too many people die.

"But daddy, ghosts are scary! They can kill you!" Luke said as he walked towards Levi.

What are they teaching this kid in school? "What if those ghosts were daddy's old friends? Do you think they’ll kill you?" Levi bent down to face his son only to see the boy looking utterly confused.

Levi only had to look back at how they raised him to understand why. Despite his parents background, the boy was raised with what they have considered too peaceful an upbringing. The closest thing to a blood bath he had seen was when Hange so enthusiastically pulled out his baby tooth just a few months ago. Levi was not sure though if the kid had been scared of the blood or the strong reaction of his mother. 

"Levi, get dressed. It'll be our first trick or treat."

"I'm ready already." Levi walked to the balcony room where he had let his old survey corps cloak hang out to dry after thoroughly washing it. 

"You're wearing that?" Hange asked, raising one eyebrow in disappointment. "Isn't that a bit too lazy?"

"Let me try out this new festival of yours and if it's any fun maybe I'll try harder next time." 

Levi and Hange both lived towards the center of Paradis since Hange was closely working with the government to help the island catch up to its peers. They had agreed to use the holiday as an excuse to see parts of the new Paradis they had not seen in a while, having rented a space in the outskirts for a few days. Hange had seen her fair share since she was back and forth from the ports and the center due to work. Levi on the other hand barely visited the outer cities, having spent his time keeping the household running and raising Luke while Hange worked full-time.  

They made the thirty minute walk to the outskirts where Hange concluded was the start to the most time efficient route with the highest possible yield of candy, that looped all the way back to their rented bungalow.

It turned out the strategy of the former commander had been almost foolproof. One kilometer in and Luke's bag was almost half full.

"Hey man, your survey corps costume looks pretty good!" 

Levi looked to the voice behind him to see a teenage boy in a titan costume. 

"Did you make it yourself?" The teenage boy continued. 

Levi looked to Hange as if to ask "Who made our costume?" In fact, Levi had just wanted to walk on, ignoring the teenage boy. It had been less than a decade since the end of the war. With the quick advancement of technology, it felt like more of a century ago to Levi. That instance only reminded him what people saw as a soldier uniform's long ago has been reduced to a costume prop.

"I did actually. What do you think?" Hange asked 

It was a blatant lie.Technically though she did design the new uniform when the war against Marley started. Levi thought to himself. 

"Well you got the colors of the wings of freedom wrong. The blue wing is on the right side not the left." 

                                               Sugar Rush

"Hey Hange, you should monitor how they make the survey corps costume. This is slightly pissing me off," Levi muttered as they started to get to the denser parts of town. 

"Well, with a port to run and research to do, I don't really have time to monitor holiday costume designs."

Although there were many people in titan costumes, there were also a fair number of people donning the survey corps cloak, a few in garrison uniform, and fewer in the military police. Although the survey corps had a rocky start, towards the end of the war against Marley, they were painted to be the main hero, their stories told in bars, restaurants, wherever people would listen. It was only natural that clothing manufacturers got on wind with the popularity. 

But they got it all wrong. Levi thought. He turned to Hange to see that she was just slightly amused at it. 

As they walked on, they passed by a park where a group of kids in survey corps cloaks were playing. 

"I'm Levi! Humanity's strongest soldier!" One kid said as he climbed on top of a rock.

Levi heard Hange chuckling behind her as he stopped to watch the play between the five kids unfold. 

"No I wanna be Levi!" The smaller kid protested as he tried to pull the larger kid down from the rock.

"You can't be Levi! Levi is big and strong! Mommy and Daddy said so!"

Levi did not know who mommy and daddy were but he found himself interested enough to approach the group of kids. At first, they looked almost terrified to see an adult stranger approach. Levi made an effort to smile though which worked enough at least for them to stay put. 

"Levi can be as tall or short as you want him to be." Levi patted the small kid's head then looked at all the kids. "Kids, make sure to take turns." 

"It's okay! I'm Captain Erwin!"

"I'm Captain Hange!"

"I'm Captain Mike!" 

It's Mee-keh not Maik. "That's good. Don't play too rough." Levi found himself struggling to keep the friendly smile. He walked away from them, quickening his pace with every step, trying to stop the urge to play cop and point out the inaccuracies in their casual game of soldier. 

Erwin and Mike probably would not have minded those inaccuracies but something inside Levi protested the omission on his end. 

"You're not going to correct them?" Hange said as he walked back at her. 

"Erwin and Mike probably wouldn't have cared. Do you mind?"

"No. Not really. But humanity's strongest being big and tall..." Hange widened her eye in emphasis as she gave him a onceover from head to toe. 

“Humanity's strongest might even like that.”

"Daddy did you meet captain Levi? Was he really big and tall?" Luke pulled on Levi's cloak as he asked. 

"He can be as big and tall as you want him to be Luke."

                                           Sugar Rush

"Tell me more about Captain Levi! Was he big? Tall? Was it weird that you were also Levi?"

Hange and Levi had allowed their son to eat a few candies that night. Levi was sure he had at least rationed it well to keep the child happy but prevent a sugar rush. 

Maybe it was when he went to take off his cloak, wash it and leave it out to dry did Hange sneak him a few more candies in. As he looked inside the bag to see everything had been opened and half eaten, he was sure that that could have been the only explanation. 

As Levi snuck a glance at Hange, he could tell she was regretting it. I told you a while ago a handful is enough. 

“Where did you learn so much about this captain Levi figure?” Levi asked, humoring the young boy.

“The teacher tells stories about him. He was part of the Ackerman clan and he could destroy one hundred titans in one swoop.” Luke excitedly yet awkwardly swung his imaginary sword in the air and Levi could not help but note that he would have never swung his blades in that manner. “You and mommy were both soldiers right? Did you get to meet him?”

“A few times.” 

“I told my friends in school that my parents were retired soldiers and they said that the soldiers were playing and eating inside the capital while the survey corps actually went outside and fought the enemy. I think you and mommy were different. Mommy would have done research right? While you were fighting the bad people in the walls right?”

“Maybe I was.” Levi turned to Hange for help. The latter was too busy rummaging through her kid’s bag for candy. Luke did not seem to notice or probably did not care, his eyes were fixed on his father and Levi wondered how long the kid had been keeping it in.

“How was Captain Levi?”

“He was a friendly guy.” Levi answered. He heard Hange snort next to him.   

“Did he ever save you from titans?”

“A few times.” 

 “Then you must know what happened to him? Even our teacher doesn’t know!”

                                                Sugar Rush

It was almost midnight. Only thirty minutes ago did Luke’s sugar rush die down. Soon after though, the young boy had fallen asleep and like on most other nights, Levi and Hange were left alone together. They were going through the pile of uneaten candy of their son, having decided that they had to eat what was left since they had no place to store it without risking an ant infestation.

“Why didn’t you tell him?” Hange asked as she went back to the table. She had checked up on their son just a second ago, making sure she was asleep before she brought up the elephant in the room. 

“Didn’t you hear the kid? If we told him where Captain Levi was, he was gonna tell all his friends. We can’t really trust a five year old kid to keep secrets just yet.”

“And you don’t want people to know where Captain Levi is,” Hange said matter of factly.

“I went for this type of life because I wanted peace.” Levi popped a half eaten chocolate in his mouth. 

“Which explains why you wanted our kid to take up my name instead.” 

“Ackerman never stuck. I’ve always been just Levi.” 

Luke Zoe was the more conservative naming choice. Levi Ackerman had become a household name while the full name of the commander had been known only among those who did the research but her stories were not as blown up as that of the captain. 

Oddly enough, their child had not picked up on both their first names being the same ones as those of the survey corps soldiers. Levi had attributed it to the fact that the boy spent most of his days with him while Hange was at work. The retired soldier had dedicated his time to other things like cleaning, housework, child rearing and tea mixing, having put his bloodier past behind him. The kid saw them as parents, not as the heroes he was hearing about in school. 

I wanna meet a survey corps soldier! They sound so cool! You must know one! Bring me to one. I wanna thank them for their service! Ask them how they flew through the air. I wanna see how big and burly they are.

Or possibly, Luke already had expectations on what they looked like and Levi and Hange just did not fit the profile.  

"Maybe we should buy him a mini survey corps cloak too. It feels weird that the survey corps played such a big part of our lives and we’re not even giving him that,” Hange suggested. 

“And support shitty research. No way.” Levi rolled his eyes as he imagined the erroneous design of the wings of freedom insignia. 

“As someone who has worked on research her whole life, I can sympathize.” Hange gave Levi a consoling smile. The cloak was last used more than fifteen years ago and the more recent designs had probably already overshadowed the one used back when the survey corps was still seen as inferior to the garrison and military police. “Hey, can you eat this gooey colorful one? It sticks to my teeth.” 

“How much more do we have to eat?” Levi emptied the bag on the table. Luke had eaten half of every single candy in the bag

“Maybe your trick or treat route was just a little too strategic Hange.”  

They did not sleep that night.    

[micia-posts-stuff]

Levihan Angstober|Trapped/Escape

@levihanweek

Inspired by this art by @faerielleart that made me remember the legend of the Jian bird (鹣), a bird born with one eye and one wing, that is able to fly only if it’s paired up with another one-eyed one-winged bird. The bond between these two birds is eternal.

[tundrainafrica]

Title: A Free Spot

Summary:  

"While she was still a commander in the midst of a war, she had to shut out all raw emotion while she watched Levi take down titan after titan, as the airship took her further away from where she had wanted to be. She did too good of a job turning off her emotions then and her last memory of Levi had become a free spot in her mind.”

Slight AU! Levi sacrifices himself in Chapter 132 instead of Hange and Hange deals with the consequences years later.

Written for @levihanweek  Angstober 2020. Prompt: Free Spot

Link to cross-postings: AO3

Notes:

A part of me felt like Levi should have gone instead of Hange. That is, if one of them had to go. I'd still rather they both lived and got their happily ever after 

I’m in the middle of writing for the greetings and farewell prompt but it's really just not looking to good rn so I'd rather not share it for now. Hopefully, I manage to get the motivation to finish it up. I’m probably gonna write some fluff and domestic Levihan after this. These prompts are just too heavy haha. 

Either way, I had so much fun writing for angstober. I hope you enjoy and do tell me what you think!

You know Levi, it feels like my time has come. I want to act as cool as possible so let me go out like this...

It had been two years since the rumbling had stopped for good. Eren was dead. The Eldians and Marleyans had established a peace treaty and the survey corps was declared redundant, replaced with a special defense squad.

Mikasa and Armin willingly took over what was left of building the defense-oriented military. Having seen enough violence and loss to last a lifetime, one soldier slowly and quietly stepped down.

That one soldier helped build what became the new city of Paradis, but still felt the burden of responsibility. Disappearing from society and retiring to some farmland on the outskirts of central Paradis felt wrong although tempting.

That soldier had seen things first hand that most people would never experience, so it was easy to take on a job as a teacher. This was especially since most Eldians did not want a repeat of the last war and who better to teach the future generation than one who had experienced it at the front ranks.

The subjects taught were easy to pick up.

Math. Science. Languages. History.

Most kids would end up mastering the basics anyway and that was more than enough for most jobs. What most people from both sides had failed to master though, was how to empathize and how to critically think. They failed to learn how to talk things through or how to question orders.

How to talk things through. How to question orders.

That was what motivated the soldier-turned-teacher, to supplement lessons with anecdotes from the Survey Corps days. It was like living in one's dreams again. The anecdotes before and after lessons kept the students entertained and it also kept the memory of one important person alive.

Three months into the lesson, one of the students had turned out to be more invested than the others and had raised her hand in the middle of one of their story times.

"Did you marry Levi?"

Maybe the former commander did get carried away.

"The soldier I mean. The one in your stories,"  the young girl clarified.

“Lena, you shouldn’t have asked that,” another student muttered.

Lena jumped up and bowed her head in embarrassment. "I'm sorry… You always got so excited when you talked about him that I thought…"

Hange only realized then that for a second she had not moved from her spot. She put a hand to her face to see that it was wet. She hastily looked back at the blackboard and wiped her face with the collar of her sweater.

"What would make you think we married?" She managed to ask as she looked back at the young student. Most of the kids in the room were roughly twelve to thirteen years old. At that point, she was still figuring out what could be mentioned and what couldn't to a bunch of preteens.

Lena blushed. "My big sister talked about her boyfriend like that and now they're married."

"Well that story could wait another time. It looks like classes are done for the day." The teacher quickly gathered up her learning materials into one messy pile on the table, thanking whatever god existed for the timing of that question at least.

Some students protested but the teacher did not budge. The latter looked back again at the blackboard as she listened to the students pack up their things and file out of the classrooms.

As soon as the last student left, Hange quickly closed the door behind her, slid on the floor and buried her face on her hands.

Why are you crying? It's been fucking years.

She slammed the floor with her fists, letting the pain that shook through her wrists, act as punishment for that random bout of emotion.

How many stories has she told them?

They had started off as stories detailing the lives of the survey corps members who had given their lives to fight a war fueled by the hate of two nations. Somehow, the stories had shifted to her own relationships. She had talked about Moblit and Erwin, the values they had upheld for the greater good of humanity.

How had she described him for the students to think they married?

Before she knew it, she had started to talk about the strongest soldier with ironically, the most unwavering regard for human life.The one soldier who was probably capable of taking down fifty soldiers without so much as a scratch was the same soldier who would ask her privately after meetings, if she could think of a better plan which would cost less lives than the one they had thought up just a while ago. He was a soldier who would always voted on alternatives that could preserve more lives.

At that point, Hange could not even recall what words she used or what tone she kept. She started to treat those story times she promised the students after every lesson as a reprieve, a way to just imagine once again the past that she had missed, and the memory that made her relax the most was that of Levi.

It had been three months since she started teaching. She guessed that she had probably started bringing him up after the first month. It had occurred to her until that moment that she had never really implied his actual fate.

Did she talk about him in present tense?

Did she say something to make them think that he had survived?

You know Levi, it feels like my time has come. I want to act as cool as possible so let me go out like this…

Her chest constricted as she remembered how she felt saying those words. At that moment she thought she was going to die.

How to question orders. How to talk things through.

Levi had never questioned her orders or tried to talk things through in public, in fear of undermining her position.  At that moment, right in front of everyone, Levi had said, "No. You're the commander. They need you out in the field. I'm not letting you die."

He had made a good point as he prepared his gear. Although he was humanity's strongest soldier at that time, he had become a little more than deadweight due to recent injuries. Either way, everyone had enough fate in his skills then, to know that even with those injuries, he'd still have enough power to take down a few titans and buy them some time to launch the ship.

While she was still a commander in the midst of a war, she had to shut out all raw emotion while she watched Levi take down titan after titan, as the airship took her further away from where she had wanted to be. She did too good of a job turning off her emotions then and her last memory of Levi had become a free spot in her mind.

Levi is alive. Levi exists in all nighters back in the office. He exists in the late nights in the forest, injured and half asleep.

As she allowed herself to relive that moment of two years ago, the only moment Levi blatantly disobeyed orders, the dam of emotions she had kept closed somewhere inside her started to flow free. She poked a few holes into it, allowing herself a few tears as she carried herself home.

It felt like it took ages but Hange finally found herself inside her empty apartment. She locked the door behind her and slid down once again on the cold wooden floor. She neglected to turn on the lights. The darkness that slowly swallowed the room as the sun started to set, only reminded her that she was alone, alone to her own devices and her own thoughts.

Levi existed before but now he is dead.

The free spot in her mind started to disappear, replaced by what should have been the raw emotion at seeing him burn and fall into the deep ocean. The grief came in large waves and Hange drowned in the emotions she had failed to release a year ago.

She called in sick the next morning and the day after and she sat alone on her bed, only standing up to eat or use the bathroom.

By what seemed to be the fourth day, it was as if she were floating. The waves had receded and she was left to survey for any damage.

Did you marry him? Another burning question came up from within her.

Hange rephrased it, given her present circumstances. Would I have married him?

Would marrying him have meant experiencing a continuation to those late night trainings as new soldiers?

Would it have meant a sequel to those late night conversations in the commander's office over tea?

Would it have meant someone welcoming her home every night after a long day’s work?

Would it have meant someone would be sitting beside her at that moment, hugging her, while she was too paralyzed by emotion to even get up?

Hange shook as she tried to imagine how it felt like again to be hugged. She knew she could have easily called someone, Mikasa, maybe Armin for a little company. Levi though was the last one she felt completely comfortable crying to, the last person she had ever shown complete vulnerability to.

And without him, she was alone.  

The cruel truth was that that memory of Levi alive had overpowered her memory of his death. That sudden realization came as the memory once again became vivid, at a time where she had no more responsibilities of keeping soldiers alive in the midst of a battle.

Hange kicked her side table and watched as it toppled over, her belongings spilling out from underneath. She smashed her chair on top of the side table then the flower vase on the dresser.

The crown and the military had given her enough compensation to replace everything and that small afterthought was what only fueled her motivation to just release the pent up emotions. Everyone she had ever lost died for them anyway.

She went for the dresser to the side of the door and pulled out the drawers one by one, spilling out the contents on the floor before smashing them into the pile of remains of the furniture she had broken only a while ago.

She stopped at the third drawer when she saw the familiar green cloak and the wings of freedom insignia. At Levi’s last moments, she was wearing his cloak since she had expected to be the one to go.

As she spread out his cloak on the floor, she smelled traces of the familiar odor of titan’s blood. A year cooped up in the drawer had preserved the original scent. She buried her face on it and started to make out the scent of blood and sweat. At a certain point, she also made out the traces as well of the scent of old wood. The cloak had also started to adjust to the new world with no titans.

She threw the cloak on her still intact bed and sat cross legged on the floor.

Am I the only one who hasn’t moved on?  She let out a burst of laughter, and sprawled on the cold wooden floor.

The Titans are gone. The Survey Corps is gone. Everyone is dead. He’s dead.

                                              Free Spot

In total, Hange took a week out of work. She used that extra time to clean up and apologize to her neighbors after that breakdown.

Surprisingly, most of them had been understanding. Hange though did not want to use the excuse of being a shell shocked soldier to be a bother to anyone and had compensated all those who lived closest to her.

When she finally showed up back to the classroom, she was surprised to see all the students on their seats as if they had expected her to be back that day.

Of course, the substitute probably told them.

“You’re surprisingly behaved today.” Hange commented as she emptied her book bag on the table.

It was Lena who came out from behind her desk with a box and placed it on the teacher’s table.

“We heard you got really sick for a while so we got you a present which could maybe help you stay healthy,” she explained, still looking apologetic.

“Thank you.” Hange blushed as she started to untie the bow and opened the box underneath. Hange fought back a wave of nostalgia and the stinging sensation in her eyes as she opened the box to find a tea set, complete with a bag of black tea on the side.

“My dad told me tea is good for the body,” one student volunteered.

Hange put one hand to her mouth, as she felt her lips tremble. A part of her wanted to laugh and a part of her wanted to cry. She had told them enough stories to keep them busy for months but she had never mentioned tea. It was an irrelevant detail in the grand scheme of things, of course she wouldn’t. “He liked black tea. We spent a lot of our free time talking over tea,” she admitted as she traced the rim of the tea cup, holding it the same way she had seen him hold it countless times before.

For a second, Lena looked panicked. “I’m sorry we didn’t mean to… You don’t have to talk about it anymore. ”

“No. It was my fault. I’m sorry.” She stood up and put her hand on the head of the young girl. “It looks like everyone pretty much guessed what happened to that soldier huh?” She smiled, keeping her tone deliberately light.

A lot of the students kept a sullen look and Hange was sure someone had explained it to them or at the least, they had picked it up on their own.

“Well, that’s the reality of war. A lot of the soldiers don’t get to marry and have kids. Just so that everyone here could live in peace.”

That night, Hange emptied the contents of the gift box on her kitchen table.

Levi would have liked the tea set. Hange thought to herself as she allowed the black tea leaves to boil on the kettle. The smell of the black tea wafted through the air and Hange closed her eyes as she allowed herself to be brought back again to those many nights when he was the one who would serve her a cup of warm tea.

Did I add too much water? Did I add too much black leaves? Would he be disappointed?

She poured the contents of the kettle into the cup and watched the tea leaves settle to the bottom of the cup.

She positioned her hands on top of the teacup, attempting to hold the cup just like he used to. The heat right on top of the boiling water, almost scalded her palm and Hange gave up after a few tries.

I never really understood how you did it.

The warm malty taste of black tea in her mouth was nostalgic. Hange only realized then that she had unknowingly abandoned this luxury right after the war. It was as if her subconscious had been protecting her from a breakdown just like the one she just had.

The smell and the taste of black tea had always been about Levi who was long gone by then. As she caressed the intricate linings of the cup though, she also started to think of the efforts of the students who had thought up the present and saved up for it.

She looked back at the memories leading up to his sacrifice at the hands of the colossal titans. The pain was still there but it was far from excruciating. It was bittersweet. Somehow, she did not need to delude herself anymore. She just had to let that bundle of emotions and memories within her untangle themselves.

Levi was gone. To Hange though, he was still alive.

He was alive in the black tea she had allowed herself to enjoy once again.

He was alive in the anecdotes she had told her class in between lessons.

He was alive in every single person who was alive because of his sacrifice.

It’s the living who give meaning to the soldiers’ deaths. It's the living who keep the dead alive.

[tundrainafrica]

Title: Heroes or Victims

Summary:  

"As Hange stared down at the man whom she believed was very much deserving of the title “hero,” she was reminded that he was just as much a victim as everyone else."

Hange reflects on emotions, relationships, war philosophies, and a future while taking care of a severely injured Levi.

Written for @levihanweek, Angstober 2020. Prompt: trapped/escape

Link to cross-postings: AO3

Notes: Here is my offering for LeviHan Week, Angstober 2020. Prompt: trapped/escape. I went a little overboard with the word count. Either way, I hope you enjoy. ;)

Credits to my betareader @scribusdomina

Any soldier who died in the field was presented as a hero of the walls. The stories told within the walls evoked images of violent charges, loud and emotional screams for their motherland and quick deaths.

Those soldiers were brave, honorable, and patriotic.

There is no better way to die than falling off one's horse battered and bloody, dreaming of the motherland.

It was a terrifyingly effective piece of propaganda that the lower class within the walls of Paradis welcomed with open arms and consumed too quickly. People saw the garrison and military police as equals to the brave soldiers who die a quick death in the battlefield, their moment of honor yet to come. Ironically, the survey corps members who actually died quickly in the battlefield were rarely afforded that same respect.

For that reason, and for many other reasons, those who survived past what could have been their first death and eventually became the veterans of the corps, ended up completely rejecting this train of thought.

As the numbers of the survey corps members dwindled, the war against titans morphed into a war of attrition. The survey corps did not have the hundreds of people to spare and those within the survey corps at Hange's command were trained to hide in enclosed spaces to preserve themselves until the enemy tires out. A war that starts with a brave charge ends with quick deaths and a quick end to the war, giving no time for the soldiers to ponder the losses and their purpose in the grand scheme of things.

The shift towards preserving life gave birth to a new type of thinker --- the battle hardened soldier. Levi and Hange having survived the longest through the bloodiest wars with the most cruel bouts of survivor's guilt, were at the forefront of this paradigm shift.

Every single person who died out there for the crown and for the people who lived within the walls were more victims than heroes.

Those words in particular rang louder to Hange as she stared down at the man whom she believed was very much deserving of the title “hero”. At that moment though, as he lay injured and vulnerable, with the beginnings of a fever, Hange was reminded that he was just as much a victim as everyone else.

Levi had always been trapped. He grew up in the underground city under Wall Sina, forced into a life of crime and violence just to survive. From what she remembered, he did not join the survey corps out of his own volition either.

Hange brushed Levi's bangs out of his face and reapplied the wet cloth on his forehead.

She shuddered as she listened to Levi's soft whimpers. His face was a mess. She guessed he had a few broken ribs, probably some internal bleeding. He needed to get to a doctor and even if he did survive, he could be left with a permanent disability.

While the rich kid who disobeyed her parents and willingly joined the battle, just came out blind in one eye with a few bruises and scars. Hange let out a pained sigh as she thought of how unfair it all was. She had experienced enough comfort growing up and could have gladly taken some of that misfortune off his shoulders.

Levi's history was a stark contrast to hers. Hange had come from a comfortable background and despite her parent's protests, had committed to joining the survey corps out of sheer curiosity on what existed outside the walls. To her, military service was an escape, an escape from the safe, comfortable yet predictable future her parents had set out for her.

"Now that I think about it, I was free to do whatever I wanted. I had the choice to live within Wall Sina, the choice to defy my parents and join the survey corps. So I shouldn't be regretting anything…" Hange lightly tapped her eyepatch. The pain had completely faded and as she put pressure on it, the only thing she felt was the phantom pain from the memory of the explosion and glass flying into her eye.

She looked back to the sleeping Levi, trying to gauge how much pain he must be in, given the gravity of his injuries. She ended up laughing at her own naivete. She had experienced her fair share of injuries. They were all painful yet none of them really evolved into a full blown hospital stay or an injury leave.

Back then, an explosion like that would definitely have put him on injury leave for at least a month.

As Hange reminisced on their old expeditions outside the walls, she gave a sardonic laugh. "Worst timing eh? Can't even take you to a hospital for decent healthcare. We have a war to fight and you're stuck in bed."

"No… time… for care. We need… to fight...”

Hange instinctively looked down when she felt something warm on her fingers. She watched, amused as Levi tried to find the most natural way to wrap three fingers around her hand.  "I'll go to your other side so at least it's your good hand wrapping around mine."

"No… Just sit near...."

Hange scooched closer to his hand and Levi settled for putting his right hand on top of hers. Levi's hand twitched a few times, possibly in protest to his attempts to squeeze her hand. She grasped it lightly and felt the hand on top of hers relax as she took on his burden. Somehow, his face seemed to relax more.

Hange lay down beside him on the forest floor, careful not to jostle his injured hand as she held it. She rolled over to her side and studied his bandaged face once again.

Ever since Levi had become a captain of the survey corps, he was constantly moving, constantly thinking. The weight of everyone's expectations on humanity's strongest was a heavy burden to carry. She had seen him fall asleep multiple times in Erwin's office or more recently, in her room next to her. He usually slept for three hours a night, easily awoken by the slightest sound, but there, right next to her, he looked like he had fallen into a deep sleep.

"Why now? How are you able to fall asleep now?" Hange asked softly with no expectations for an answer. By then, Levi's breathing had already evened out and Hange instead kept herself occupied, by mimicking the slow and steady breaths of the man next to her.

Somehow, she managed to fall asleep,too.

                                         Heroes or Victims

Levi's fever only worsened.

He wasn't awake yet but Hange feared that he could be in pain.

Hange searched the forest for familiar plants. She was no botanist but she had studied enough to know what could be used to alleviate pain, stave off infections.

Whether she would be giving it in the right doses and processing it correctly was the better question. She had seen the people in the infirmary do that same method multiple times as she supervised the treatments of injured soldiers who contracted fevers from wound infections. She was hesitant at first to even attempt such treatment on Levi without training but she had seen how a high fever deteriorates into chills, slow breathing, then eventually death without the right treatment. She decided for herself that it was a gamble she had to take. Hange only hoped that she remembered everything accurately enough that she wouldn’t end up poisoning him.

As she waited for the leaves to steep, she turned her attention to Levi. The wet cloth she had placed on his forehead was heating up alarmingly fast and Hange found herself shaking as she  wiped down his body with cooler water.

She recalled her own experiences in an attempt to placate her fears.

When was the last time she had felt that much heat come out of someone?

Maybe during her days supervising the injured survey corps members in the infirmary?

Did they survive?  

Back then, they had the safe, sterile environment of the infirmary. There, at that moment, it was just both of them in the middle of a dark forest. Her own attempts only served to worsen her already growing fears. Despite the high fever, Levi was sleeping like a log.

"Why do you look so fucking peaceful?" Hange teared up. She would have preferred to see Levi in a fitful sleep. Pain meant he was still there. Hange had learned, having watched countless soldiers die in the infirmary, that when the breath of the patient slows and they start to feel cool and clammy, it means certain death. Also, a peaceful sleep introduced the possibility that he might never wake up.

Hange resisted the temptation to shake Levi awake, risking further injury. Instead, she settled for putting her hand on his good one and squeezing hard enough to feel something back. She focused on the fact that he was still hot to touch. It meant he was still very much alive.

"Don't you fucking die on me."

                                     Heroes or Victims

Hange needed someone to talk to but at the same time, she was relieved that it had just been the two of them.

The ordeal with Levi's fever shooting up had left her exhausted, her eyes red and her nose running. As the poultice she had put together that night did its work and the fever started to subside, Hange had to stop herself from giving the injured Levi a good kick for all the stress he had caused her that night.

Hange woke up as soon as she heard the rustle of cloth next to her.

He's starting to come around.  

It was early morning and Hange wanted to use that time before the sun's heat became unbearable to wash the sheets by the riverside. She carried Levi a few feet towards the river bank, rested him on a tree and covered him with his green cloak.

The sheets were stained with blood and sweat and Hange made a mental note to change his bandages after cleaning out the bed sheets. Watching the blood stains disappear as the sheets flapped in the water was somehow calming. It gave the young commander enough time to reflect on the events of the night before, her own emotions and the fact that she was still lacking sleep. As the last bouts of sleepiness left her, the pent up emotions of last night started to take over.

"Levi, you asshole!" She screamed as she angrily pulled the wet sheets toward her. The sheet flailed as it fought between both her strength and the river carrying it westward. She needed a break. Emotions had built up inside her the night before with no decent outlet as she concentrated all her energy on keeping Levi alive.

"You fucking asshole!" Hange pulled the sheet out and threw it down into the water again.

The cold water that splashed towards her face somehow helped her cool off. Hange let the sheets flow along with the river, only holding on to them with the tips of her fingers. "It was fucking terrifying. You had this fucking face last night. You looked so peaceful. Like you wanted to sleep forever. Do you not want to live anymore? Is your life so shitty that you decide for yourself that 'hey maybe dying might be the better?’”

At that point, Hange did not know how much of what she said she actually meant. He could have heard it. Maybe he didn't. Hange though allowed herself the luxury of releasing everything that was bundled up inside her to the one person who would have understood her either way.  

"Life was shit. The dreams were good,” His reply was toneless and too rooted in their bleak reality.

Hange looked back to see that Levi was staring at her. For a while she wondered how much of her tirade he had heard but as she pulled the sheets out of the river and walked towards Levi, she found herself more interested in what Levi had just said.  

"Do you feel trapped?" Hange hung the sheet on a low lying branch then crouched down beside Levi.

"Trapped?"

"In life I mean. Like in this hellhole. You looked so free last night. For a while, I thought I was the selfish one for trying to keep you alive."

“I don’t know…”

Hange had to admit. It would be a difficult question for someone especially while recovering from a brush with death. She silently scooched closer to him and looked up, using that clear sky above her as a blank slate to organize her thoughts. She could at least use that extra time to predict an answer like she usually did.

What did I know about him? Admittedly, the two of them did spend a lot of time together but given their line of work, there was always something to discuss. They never had the free time to sit around and just discuss each other's histories. Everything Hange ever knew about Levi, she learned through the bouts of information he volunteered about himself in between sharing thoughts on the latest developments. Hange had taken the liberty to fill in the gaps herself on his personality using empathy, deduction, and pattern recognition.

She was reminded then, that although she knew Levi's personality and could easily predict how he'd react to most situations, she only knew so much about what his life was like before they met.

"Then let me ask something else." Before she even noticed it, Hange had softened her tone. The desperation and anger of a while ago was gone as it looked like Levi was going to survive.

"Hm?"

"What did you dream about?"

                                     Heroes or Victims

The world is a cruel place. That was something both Levi and Hange had concluded a long time ago.

The stark contrast between Levi’s dreams and the reality they lived in only made Hange feel worse for even taking out her frustrations on him. They had both experienced hell but Levi’s life had always been hell. From what she understood, he had grown up in abject poverty. He had experienced the worst the world had to offer--- starvation, discrimination, abuse. He had lost everyone he had ever loved. Only recently, he had lost everything he had known and suddenly was placed in a position of responsibility, forced to keep thinking, to keep moving.

Hange reflected on all these as she cleaned out his wounds. She couldn’t help but notice that Levi had stiffened up, possibly an attempt to control whatever natural reaction his body would make to the pain of the herbal poultice spilling into his deeper wounds. His attempt to hide the pain only served to intensify Hange’s guilt.

“It’s painful, huh?” She bit back tears. “I’m sorry. I was selfish.I didn’t wanna be trapped here alone but yeah,  I still have family alive. You have nothing and here I am being entitled, getting mad at you for almost dying.”

“Hey,” Levi said. He weakly grasped Hange’s wrist while she cleaned his wounds. “I’m not trapped. I never was.”

“How can you still say that after all the shit life has thrown at you?” Hange asked as she wriggled out of his weak grip and gently laid his hand on his bare chest.

“I had my mom. Then when she died, I had Farlan, then Isabel, Erwin, then my squad…When I lost them, it hurt like a bitch, every single fucking time.” Levi suddenly looked away from Hange.

Hange could tell from the slight crack in his voice that he was blinking back tears. She put her hand on top of his and squeezed, hoping that was enough for him to realize that he did not need to stop himself from showing emotion.  

Levi did not give in to his emotions though. The only sign that he was even about to cry a few seconds ago was that his voice had gotten softer. “But when I feel like shit, there’s always someone there to remind me that life was never just a hell hole. When this war is over, I like to imagine, life could get better. We could maybe live together, you can continue your stupid experiments, I can open a teashop.”

“Then we’ll fight over your black tea budget and how badly I clean the hallways,” Hange joked.

Levi’s mouth quivered into a smile and he closed his eyes. Hange watched as the sleeping effects of the herbal disinfectant took effect. She caressed his cheek and noted how his skin was still warm to the touch but not as hot as it was the night before.

When this war is over, I like to imagine, life could get better. Levi’s words echoed in Hange’s head. She closed her eyes, picturing the future he told her about a moment ago. It would take decades for the people within the walls to realize the futility of war and the vulnerability of the soldiers they had for so long revered. Either way, she let herself imagine spending a war-free future, stressing over mundane problems with the one she loved.

Before Hange left to scavenge for lunch, she allowed herself a few minutes to just stare at his sleeping face. She wondered if he was dreaming of that same future he had told her about. The subtle smile of a while ago had not disappeared from his face yet and somehow, he looked more peaceful than he did the night before.

Hange smiled. Maybe he was dreaming of the both of them. “You’re my escape, too,” she whispered.

Just in case he was.

[micia-posts-stuff]

Levihan Angstober| Light/Darkness 

@levihanweek