#as if that really does anything
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I've struggled with belonging, all my life. I don't claim to have the worst experience of that. I'm white, able-bodied, a cisgender man, I come from a Christian background (if a bizarre one, what with it being Mormonism), and I pass for straight because I'm mostly into women and haven't really made an effort to be visibly queer. So, I don't have the hardest background, I don't have the worst struggle with belonging.
I do have a struggle, though. As mentioned, I was raised Mormon. Mormons have a burning intensity on uniformity within the church. Uniform, unquestioning obedience to the church leadership, even as you're expected to admit that they are mortal men capable of mistakes and faults (likewise the treatment of the church, itself; capable of fault, imperfect, yet never admitting they actually have faults); to condemn and condone what the church organization, as a conservative settler-colonialist cult, and the church membership, which is largely an openly reactionary settler-colonialist cult, condemns and condone; the anti-Semitic and colonialist Mormon beliefs about Indigenous peoples of Turtle Island and Abya Yala; all this, and an emphasis on "The Plan of Salvation/Happiness", a checklist of everything faithful Mormons have to do to achieve eternal life, including baptism, priesthood for men, marriage, raising a nuclear family...
My family questioned the leadership and the church, even disagreed with some things; we disagreed on condoning the church's history of racism, and on condemning gay people; I eventually realized how bigoted those racial beliefs were, and discarded them, as have my siblings (my dad still believes in Mormonism, but... allegorically, rather than literally? I wish he would leave the church, tbh); and now, we arrive at my family.
My mom is dead. She died when I was 7. My dad remarried a year later, to a divorced single mother, and moved us to a different area. That marriage didn't last, by the way. She was cold and uncaring, and I felt no remorse for her when I was told there was going to be a divorce. Anyway, the people here, where we live now and have lived since that move, couldn't relate to us, for all the reasons from the previous paragraph, and because I came from a patchwork family, and my mother had died. They never said "it's your fault your mother died," but they never truly cared to make us feel just as warmly-welcomed as anyone else. We were constantly gossiped about. It wasn't because my mom had died that they didn't care, it was because they couldn't relate to me, because I didn't fit the uniform mold... because my mom was dead... I was never directly blamed, but I felt the indirect blame in their hollow smiles. Perhaps they even believed that her death was a punishment to us, an attempt to get us to reconcile to TBM beliefs, and the fact we hadn't just meant we were foolishly rebelling against God, who would surely punish us again, until we went back in line, and so they had best distance themselves from us? I don't know if they thought this or not, but they do have a general belief that complete obedience to the church is rewarded in this life and the next, while catastrophe results from heterodoxy and disobedience.
So. I wasn't accepted as a Mormon. I also moved from my old home not long after my mother's death. Mormons are generally not accepted in American society, either. I was too "worldly" for the Mormons. I was too "Mormon" for "The World". And then I gravitated to Norse paganism, where I'm still at today, and people wonder if I'm a Nazi, or if I'm a Marvel fanboy, or if I'm just dumb because Christianity superseded paganism a long time ago (as if conversion-by-the-sword; which wasn't always the case, but uh, it still happened a lot; is morally acceptable), so why am I in a religion that was conquered and defeated? Or I'm preached to. Gods. I fucking hate that so much. Or people think I'm arrogant, think that I think I'm better than everyone because I'm a pagan, like I chose it only to be exotic. I'm not in a small town in the deep south, or in the back country of anywhere, so it's not like being pagan alone, even if I keep yo myself, results in death threats, or denied job offers, or any of the oppressions Muslims and Jews know all too well; I'm not suffering hate crimes, but when I am recognized as a pagan when I wear my hammer necklace, I'm looked askance at. Not terribly awful, not inhumane, but still wrong, still alienating. If who I am isn't hurting anybody, I don't want to be treated as if I am inherently hurtful. I want to be treated as a human being - with a baseline of respect one would show to a stranger, unless, through disrespectful actions on my part, I earn disrespect in kind. I don't expect automatic honor, merely the respect of being a fellow, imperfect human being, with some measure of good and potential. I'm saddened when I am othered, and I am shocked, angered, in despair, and appalled at the actual violence faced by groups who have it a lot worse than myself.
And then we arrive at whiteness. Top of the social pyramid of racism, yes... At the cost of our souls. You're not Scottish-American, not English-American, not German-American - oh, by all means, you can call yourself those things! No problem with saying those! But being different? Actually having something outside of whiteness? Nope! It's just Columbus Day, Plymouth Rock, States' Rights, Thanksgiving, Fourth of July - oh, and uh, Martin Luther King had a dream, I guess, so you get a day off from school or a government job, but don't you bother actually really learning who he was, what he really dreamed of, how the US government harassed him and had a hand in his death. And America is always the good guy in every war, and we didn't lose the Vietnam War. But uh. No hosen, no kilts, no haggis, no maypoles, nothing from wherever in Europe your ancestors came from, Europe is... I don't know, too "gay" or something, idek. Sure, you can have some annual Scottish festival or whatever, but then it's back to being white, being like every other white person out there. "Consume, consume, consume, and kill everybody who disagrees. Fuck you, I'll get mine. I was standing my ground when I shot that car of kids that backed into my driveway to try to make a turn." Once you start learning the things your ancestors did to other people, well... how can you feel good, at all, about family history? You never really know the good stuff, whatever good stuff there may have been; it didn't pass down. You just know they were awful people. So you're lost. That is, I'm lost... and my ancestors wanted that. They thought that would be a good thing. For us, I mean. A necessary cost I would surely agree to pay, and be glad they did, for the sake of keeping others down, so we could have more in comparison. Only, I don't agree. I'm horrified they did. As I said, I'm lost.
Belonging. I wish for it.
#re MLK and MLK Day:#Yes he was a Black man and I am not calling him white#I am attempting to describe the general white culture view on MLK and MLK day#I am not calling MLK white in any way#and I want to make that abundantly clear before someone with low reading comprehension...#...assumes that's why I brought Dr. King up#when all I'm saying is white people generally don't give a shit about MLK Jr. Day#or the man behind it#except insofar as we get a break from anything government-related for a day#and pat ourselves on the back for not saying the n-word and having a Black friend or two#as if that really does anything#white culture is empty and uncaring or hollowly-caring at best#and at worst well... we all know what it is at worst
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Okkkkkk so where is Chicken Miku?
Anon the way i dropped everything when i saw this
HATSUNE BEAK-U
(based on the Onagadori chicken breed)
#makenna made a thing#hatsune miku#chicken miku#onagadori#the roosters are the ones with the tails but that just opens this up for even more possibilities#is she trans? is she assigned hen at birth but went through spontaneous sex reversal like can happen to poultry if a hens ovary goes wonky?#it's up to you follow your heart miku can be anything#chickens#tiny fluffy dinosaurs#the BEST animals#artists on tumblr#birdblr#chickenblr#birds#this breed doesn't typically have this comb type but shhhh#vocaloid#yes i WILL chickenify your fictional celebrities!!#anon#ngl this was actually a really good character design exercise lol#does she dye her feathers? she'll never tell this is anime logic
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He's a bit too excited to see you clock in
#my art#moondrop#fnaf moondrop#fnaf moon#moondrop fnaf#moon fnaf#just for reference - I'm not back</3 just posting whatever piled up#i won't be active socially/with reblogs. sorry!#I'd love to but I'm running really low on energy and responding to anything drains me as i put too much thought in it and get anxious :(#but i see and read everything!! and your engagement does really encourage me a lot. thank you!#also#i wonder if anyone recognises the pose lol
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"smaller mass" you say
#she was punted first. the implications of nori still being in the pit when uzi comes down later#long post#i think. does it count if theres a lot of images and they are long#too lazy to draw 4 more lazy backgrounds so just pretend they're falling#or a second cyn. im losing my touch#struggled so hard to draw her.stupid people proportions kinda#go read ad astra per aspera its so good im munching#no like genuinely i love it so much its what got me thinking about this post#not dead just too busy reading ao3 twenty four seven to actually draw anything#art#murder drones#murder drones nori#murder drones cori#i think cori is a really funny name#murder drones cyn#murder drones flesha#cw blood and gore#thanks tumblr user digitalcatastrophes#if only i knew how to animate. not trying my old method again
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it is completely understandable to be uncomfortable with the sexual assault in dandadan. it's important to discuss how it's framed, whether it's handled poorly, or if it could be been portrayed better. but the number of people - even fans - stating that it is only fanservice, irrelevant, or could be removed is frankly bizarre to for SO many reasons, starting with the fact that this parallel exists.
the anime made it even more obvious by interpolating cuts from the first scene into the second one.
i thought this scene showed that momo gaining her powers by believing in her relationship with her grandmother gives her the strength to fight back against what is basically a horrific, much more aggressive and abstract (maybe even absurd?) representation of her shitty gross ex - who was demanding she 'put out' and pay for the love hotel in very first scene.
while the escalation from one scene to the next is surprising, it's not something that comes out of nowhere. this first scene is meant to be a set-up to what will happen later. it sets the tone, though significantly more lighthearted at this point. it tells you that sex, sexuality, etc. is something dandadan will touch on - though you don't know what the scope and depth will be until later in the chapter.
i cannot recommend this video enough, as it discusses some interesting interpretations of what the serpoians and turbo granny represent in their respective assault scenes, as well as how right now the treatment of both scenes is unfortunately uneven.
more notes about plot and thematic relevance below the cut. spoilers for anime-onlies (up to chapter 8, will probably be covered in episodes 4/5).
momo was assaulted, and almost cut up by the serpoians, much like the other victims turbo granny appeared around. this is an intentional parallel. turbo granny goes to momo because that is what she does. again, SUPER unclear how that factors into turbo granny's assault of ken, but if we keep the video's interpretation of cynicism in mind, it could be related to that; maybe turbo granny has a cynicism toward men - similar to momo in chapter/episode 1 - and this is why she chose to attack ken. unfortunately, it's still too early to really understand and explain a lot of her motivations.
again, completely understandable to not like how the sexual assault was handled or portrayed, and it's important to keep discussing it. but this is what dandadan does for many different types of trauma and difficult life experiences. this is a huge part of dandadan's identity. if you don't like it, that is fine, but calling the sexual assault 'just fan service' is blatantly untrue.
#dandadan#L.txt#long post#dandadan analysis#< i guess? 😭#discussdadan#sorry for this kinda sloppy post but i need it out bc i feel like im losing my mind#this is not even ''''''''''a defense''''''''''' of the s/a i think it's really important to discuss framing/handling/etc etc#but some of the discourse arising from the first episode is maddening and is thoroughly not helped by ppl being weird/assholes abt it#you dont ''''''have to like it'''''' (< what does that even mean??) or keep reading it or literally anything#this is just a basic 'please engage w the text'
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arthur notices merlin and lancelot’s chemistry in s1 and then merlin and gwaine’s chemistry in s3 and comes to the conclusion that merlin likes men with long hair. in completely unrelated news, arthur thinks he might look good with long hair and decides to grow it out
#bbc merlin#merlin emrys#arthur pendragon#merthur#lancelot#gwaine#mergwaine#mercelot#merlin DOES love it. he likes washing arthurs hair and brushing it out and weaving little braids thru it#when arthur is in one of his really good moods and takes merlin and the knights out to relax in the woods#he’ll fall asleep in the sun and merlin will adjust him so he can weave flowers into his hair#nobody says anything to arthur who doesnt notice until merlin is taking it down before he goes to bed#(he complains and pretends to hate it but hes lying thru his teeth)#(merlin knows this)#fanfiction#fanfic#fic ideas#prompt
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despite Laios low self esteem making him think that if he’d been eaten, Chilchuck and Marcille wouldn’t have helped Falin,
theres a small part of me that thinks the reason Chilchuck stayed with the party and went back in the dungeon in the first place was because he didn’t want to leave Laios alone. That Laios was moreso the reason he stayed.
#dungeon meshi#chilaios#OK SORRY. THE DEMONS. I REALLY DID NOT WANT TO LIKE THIS PAIRING. I DIDNT. BUT. HHH. FHFHJFJV. I FEEL CRAZY. LET ME EXPLAIN.#Pre canon it seems Laios is the person Chilchuck is really the closest to#He gets along with Namari and they are probably way better as buddies than he and Laios but#He and Laios seem *closer*#If that makes sense#Laios calls him his first name enough and without any issue or hesitation from Chilchuck#That I sort of inagine its not like. A misunderstanding. Laios is on a first name basis with him for a reason.#He also worries probably more than anyone about Laios#And his biggest criticism of him is that hes “reckless”#he’s comfortable around Laios in a very specific way and so is Laios around him#and in the series he shows many times that he’ll risk his life to protect Laios#Like staying with him to confront the elves because he was worried Laios would say something stupid#Hes the first one to run up to him when Falin punches him#I mean I think he was also going back for Falin like its not like I think he doesn’t care about her or anything#He clearly does#But I don’t know if he’d have gone back if Laios hadn’t#And if Laios had been eaten I think he wouldn’t have even had to be convinced by Falin#I also think Marcille would’ve gone back for him but probably more bc Falin was going back#Like sort of a reversed thing#AGAIN not that I don’t think she cared about Laios at the beginning either#But she before the story she was mostly Falin’s friend who knew Laios through Falin#She only really got to know him when Falin got eaten and they had to do a team building exercise#Though now I sort of want to see an actually reversed scenario#Bc we also know that Chilchuck is sort of uncomfortable around Falin (said in relationship chart)#So I would love to see them be forced into a team building exercise to find a person they both love the way Laios and Marcille were
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Okay, but Elizabeth being an absolute savage girlboss isn't something that's talked about enough.
Love how you're spitting facts for our girly pop. 💪💪💪
TBH I go off the personality baby has, and gotta assume some of that sass is definitely Elizabeth
#ask reply#like no way baby was programmed to be that sassy that’s gotta be Elizabeth#TBH I don’t think Elizabeth is mean she more protects herself#so if someone is rude first she’ll be rude back#especially having an older brother like Michael definitely grew thick skin sooner#I gotta draw Elizabeth having fun sometime though#I like to believe despite this fussiness#she’s actually really nice and just wants to have fun too#wants to feel special and loved etc#so does anything she can to get attention#MORE AFTON kids content soon..#they aren’t always fighting promise 💗#when you’re in a dysfunctional family sometimes all you have is your siblings#and I like to believe the Afton kids definitely go by that
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Thinking about human behaviour compared to animal behaviour again.
It's funny to hear people (the older gens) complaining that "kids these days are lazy, they don't wanna work, etc." What do we get for busting our asses? There is no reward. Many will never own homes. Many are unemployed, trying to find work, and nobody will hire them because they don't have a million years experience and a masters degree OR they want people to work for minimum wage??? People are giving up because there is no reward. Why would we do all this for nothing?
Same as a dog that won't recall when you haven't reinforced it with a reward. Your dog isn't going to do what you tell it to if there is no incentive. No, your dog SHOULDN'T listen just because you're boss and it should respect you. That isn't how it works. They don't think that way. And honestly neither do people.
When we went hiking Sprocket wasn't always taking treats gently from me when I recalled her or she checked in and I rewarded and my one friend told me to stop giving her treats. I told him I won't work for free so why should she. And he said "I do things for free all the time because I want to do them," and I didn't say it then, but I wish I had, but if you like doing it, that's the incentive. It's a self-rewarding behaviour. Just like anything else a dog does, like chasing a squirrel or sniffing things or getting into the trash. Heeling instead of going off to sniff stuff or recalling off of something they want to chase is something you have to reinforce. You have to give them something better so they make the choice you want them to make. They won't make it just because they *respect* you. They won't willingly recall off of exciting prey out of RESPECT. You need to give them a tangible reward for that. You cannot possibly expect your dog to listen just because and then punish them for disobeying you.
Yeah, Sprocket bit my fingers a couple times. The one time pretty hard. But she was excited. She knows how to take gently and I reminded her and she tried very hard to be gentle most of the time. I wasn't going to stop rewarding her for checking in with me and recalling while we were off leash hiking in the woods. I want her to know that coming back to me is good and in the event of an emergency I would like her to not blow me off.
#barkin up some trees#personal#the way my friends train their dog is not the way I would ever train a dog#in fairness he isnt food or toy motivated#and i dont have issues with ecollars#but they dont actually reward him for anything really#praise but little to nothing else#like yeah of course he is gonna blow you off to jump in the lake#lake is more rewarding than recalling to you when you have nothing to offer him in return#the way they recall him is that he has to come to them and then give a hand boop#and if he doesn't make contact they keep asking him until he does it#and then no reward#other than praise#which he doesnt seem to really care that much about#idk it just doesnt feel right the way they train him and i dont take advice from them on training#they also basically never have him on a leash even tho it is required by law in town#after the hike we went to the lodge restaurant and luckily we had an extra lead in the truck#otherwise they hadnt even brought one along so they were gonna leave him in their car while we ate#idk like i love my friends and they are nice people but jesus christ
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and they just look at me before flying away 😭
#thank you to everyone who left welcomes on my last post !#ive been really enjoying myself. its such a chill game#i entered eden once and i got lost IMMEDIATELY so i backed home lol#im trying not to look anything up so i might just bite the bullet and do it tho#losing the wing thingies does sound kind of scary tho#sky cotl#sky children of the light#my art
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starting off with an amuse-bouche of some of my initial favorite bits! y'all, this update was WILD.
#art#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland spoilers#twisted wonderland episode 7 spoilers#twisted wonderland book 7 spoilers#we really got it all in this update huh#we got flashbacks! backstory! shocking twists! cgs?!#we got the silver breakdown to end all silver breakdowns#the boy does not emote for 6 episodes straight and now it's POURING out and i am shoving my face directly into it#not to mention my favorite: action scenes represented by intensely wiggling the sprites around#and OF COURSE meleanor my beloved. your highness. ma'am. holy shit.#i guess it's mel instead of mal? hey she can spell her name however she wants#meleanor can do whatever she wants about anything. who is going to stop her.#meleanor: hold on baby. mommy wants to make a point. (yeets malleus' egg across the room into liia's face)#man though i am so afraid that crowley really might turn out to have been revaan this whole time#because this means we live in a world where dire fucking crowley managed to pull BOTH meleanor and lilia and i cannot accept that#briar valley are you okay. is it something in the water.#mrs. zigvolt took all the good taste and left none for anyone else
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Not Tonight
[Platonic! Yandere! Neglectful Batfam × Gender Neutral! Sibling Reader]
[Warnings: Mentions of Neglect, Reader generally not having a good time.]
(Not proofread. Not too much Yandere shown. Mostly angst with Reader. Set up(?))
2nd chapter here. Chapter 3 Pt. 1, Pt. 2. [Series Masterlist]
๑۩۞۩๑————————————————————๑۩۞۩๑
How many times have you heard them say that? How many times have you tried to do something with them, to share your passion — or even just have some coffee with them, only to hear them say that phrase time and time again.
"Not tonight."
Well, what if you didn't ask them during the night? What if you asked them in the afternoon, or just when they were already up and about?
"Sorry! I can't right now, patrol reeeally kicked my ass last night. Besides, I have some other things that I have to get done, but maybe next time! For sure!"
Okay, right. That makes sense. Sometimes their line of work can be tough and draining, especially when someone is trying to run Gotham to the ground that night. So what if you just try to ask them when they aren't so busy? It may really limit the times you can ask... but you'd still try. Maybe it could also help if you asked for smaller things, like if they'd just like to spend a little time with you before going out again, or if you could just hang around them for a while? Nothing big, and anything was fine. Even if it was just sitting next to them, and having some small talk. Or maybe just the sitting part if talking was too much.
You'd take anything at all.
"I'm actually heading out right now, so I can't stick around. Go ask someone else."
"Can't you see that I already have enough compang with Titus here? Go bother Drake or something, I don't care."
All you could hear was snores past the door when you went to ask. So you moved onto someone else, hoping for a yes as your heart began to squeeze.
Someone had to agree eventually, right?
You begged the Gods as you traveled down the long halls. The chills of reality creeping up on you.
"Sorry, I'm going out to hang with some friends, but maybe next time!"
"..." She just looked at you before shaking her head, and taking her leave.
"I've got something to do at the moment, sorry, but hey, maybe you could ask your old man? Oh! Or maybe Alfred. That's a good idea."
Dick was out in Bludhaven, and you didn't want to bother Barbara considering how bisy she must've been the other night. So, you had no other choice. You asked, heart bleeding from how hard it squeezed.
"Not now."
Simple, to the point, and sharp.
Bruce's words were as cold as ever, and yet the echo in the cave only seemed to make the gap between you and him feel so much bigger. Even as you just nodded, eyes pointed to the floor. Taking your leave with a soft sigh that barely escaped you.
The elevator ride was longer than you remembered. The cold chill in the air grew freezing even as you stepped out, and now stood in one of the many halls in the Wayne Manor. Portraits and pictures decorated the walls, their painted and photographed eyes staring at you. Their gaze far from soft, but at least it was present. At least they, in that way, felt present.
You swore the only times they ever smiled at you that wasn't faked, or just for the sake of appearances was in those paintings and photos. Honestly, it was also probably the most times they've even looked at you too, and as sad as it is — you did say you'd take anything, right?
A 'no' or 'maybe' was part of that anything, technically. It's just not what you were hoping for.
Sighing again, you stared up at one of the portraits, eyes shinging under the lights as everything you refused to say made itself so clear for a moment. You didn't want much, and never asked for more than what you were given. You didn't think so anyway.
You always followed the rules, you did more than just excel in all your classes no matter how hard it was for you to understand certain things, and you even tried to get into things your family seemed to enjoy without pushing too hard.
You studied up on all the pets Damian had so that you could not only care for them properly, but maybe even take care of them with him some day. You played games and read reviews on games you saw Tim play just for a chance that maybe you'd get the opportunity to play with him. You picked up boxing and have even been practicing your aim with an airsoft gun, and have also been going to certain place when you could to practice using real guns and learn about them just so you'd maybe be able to have a conversation with Jason, and even connect with him in some way. You even read nearly all the books in the library just to have a sliver of hope for something, anything.
You learned sign language in three different languages and tried to find out what Cassandra was interested in, just to have some kind of interaction with her. Even writing on small note cards in serval other languages in hopes she'd give some kind of response, even if you forgot to put your initials and such more than several times. You participated in gymnastics in hopes of getting closer to Dick. You tried to find out what Barbra was into so you could also hold up a conversation with her if given the chance. You've tried to match Stephen's energy and do things she likes and have even taken up material arts as a means to maybe be a little closer with everyone!
Yet it never seems like enough.
Your schedule was so packed and filled with activities and extra lessons of all kinds, just so that you could feel like you had something in common with someone in this family. So that, when given the chance, you'd be able to form a connection with one of them and your efforts and sacrifices wouldn't be in vain. Though that still had yet to happen.
You weren't even a vigilante as you tried to persue your own passion and dreams, and yet that one single thing seemed to be keeping you away from everyone else. The one thing you were unwilling to do for them just seemed to make the gap between you and the rest of the family grow bigger. They're constant and continuous dismissals only seemed to further that point.
Just... what were you doing wrong? Was you not being a vigilante and constantly putting yourself at risk every night really putting that much of a dent in your relationships? Did your dreams really get in the way of that? Just because you didn't want to put yourself in danger? Just because you wanted to pursue music instead?
You took up art despite not being super interested in it before. You've been reading all of your life. Your stretched, ran, exercised, cooked, cleaned, organized, sang, wrote, danced, and even sculpted. You picked up almost any hobby someone could have under the sun, even if it began to feel like a chore and a job to you, just so that you could have something, anything in common with this family.
Though now you've gone through countless 'hobbies', and dropped many more since nothing seemed to be working, it... it still didn't feel like enough. Like you had to be doing something more despite having lost countless hours of sleep, just to go through the list of hobbies you had written down that you had left to try. You even took up some sports you were somewhat interested in, and yet nothing clicked.
Though is that really surprising when no one noticed how many times you snuck out for lessons and practice, or how long you were out? When you'd even forget to return to the Manor sometimes, and anyone still had yet to notice you were even gone in the first place?
... You couldn't help the small chuckle that escaped you. It was broken in every way, and yet empty all the same. Maybe you were finally taking after Bruce, but you wouldn't get your hopes up.
You looked up at the painting as if it'd give you all the answers, and yet dismiss you at the same time. The disappointment you felt was normal to you at this point, but the aching pain that came after was always the hardest part. Yet you still stared at the painted faces as if they were your real family, and the people close to them. Looked at the calculated and skilled brush strokes as if they'd give you what your family couldn't. What they refused to give you at every twist and turn, no matter how much you tried to accommodate to them. To do things for them. To just feel worthy enough to stand by their side. To be closer to them.
Though in the end, it is only that. A painting. A well crafted piece that, no matter how skilled the artist, could never truly capture how distant and vague they felt when you were the one standing to the side. No matter how much experience the painter had, they'd never be able to express and show how this poor excuse of a family felt to you, because they were only like that around you.
Maybe you'd feel special if it didn't make you feel like you were wasting your life living like this...
Eventually, you were able to tear you eyes away from the painting. The moon beginning to rise as you were sure the Manor was becoming more empty than it usually was, as more of its visitors and residents left.
The painting itself was nice even if it was one of many that didn't include you, with the number of photographs without you in them being much higher. Honestly, it used to be one of your favorites despite how bittersweet you feel about it now.
You still remember that day, but that would be implying that you forgot the others.
Regardless, you managed to pull yourself away from the spot you had been stuck in for the few moments you were trapped inside your own head. You tried to make yourself feel a little better, and give yourself some reassurance that maybe tomorrow would be different some how, and if not? Perhaps the day after, and the day after that.
Yet it all failed as you passed by more and more memories. Some were events you had participated in, sure, but the pictures made it look like you were never there in the first place. Heartwarming moments littered the halls, but you only recall seeing them from a distance — or being aware that the moment had even happened only when you saw the picture be put up.
It was like the very universe was trying to send you a sign with your constant failures and your family's persistence, intentional or not, to keep you at a distance. You didn't even know if it was appropriate to refer to them as your 'family', and maybe it wasn't considering things, but you still weren't sure.
You had been fighting for a chance to talk with any of them about anything at all for the longest time, because you wanted to be a part of this family. You wanted to spend time with them and really give this 'new life' of yours a chance, but now that 'new' part of this life had worn off. It was hard and honestly more draining than it was rewarding at this point, but you still wanted to give it a try.
Sure, it had been years at this point and now you were just about to go into college, and when you had first arrived here you weren't even middle school, yet little to no progress had been made — you never gave up. You haven't given up. So maybe you could try for a little longer? Just... a little bit, not too much this time, and figure something out?
You almost felt a little sense of hope return to you, no matter how redundant and helpless this situation felt and seemed. Yet it all came crumbling down again when you passed by one of the rooms, and saw something taped to the door.
It was a flier for your performance. One that would be happening soon.
Since your siblings began to pay less and less attention to you as time went on, with your conversations with them growing even shorter, you opted to just tape fliers of your upcoming performances on their doors. Though only the performances you'd thought they'd enjoy, and just hoped that they would show up, if they wanted to, when you stepped onto that stage and approached the instrument you'd be playing for the evening.
You tried texting and other forms of communication at first, but those quickly stopped working and so you just opted for this, and of course it was just as effective as the others.
Alfred was really the only one who listened to your music when you performed, and you only knew that because you caught him playing one of the live performances you had done on the television one day. He not only going out of his way to record the performance, but also trying to find the channel it was broadcasted on.
Ever since you've tried to give him the correct channel number when you do live performances, but that still didn't feel like enough. You loved and appreciated Alfred from the depths of your heart and soul, but what would it take for one of your siblings or close family friends to notice you like that? What would it take for your supposed father to even care to listen to your music? To watch a performance? To not turn you away?
It was only in that moment did a new emotion fuel you. Crawling it's way up your spine as you carefully took the flier in your hands, looking it over before ripping it off the door.
This. This one small thing was all you wanted from them. Over everything else, you just wanted to see one of their faces, one time when you looked out to the crowd when you performed — but every single time, all you saw were strangers.
Every charity event, every gala, every party- that's all you were surrounded by, strangers. Even when you caught small glimpses of them, they were always doing something else, and completely off in a totally different world than your own. That distance along creating a large void-like gap between you and them, and yet it only ever continued to grow. Even when they stood next to you, it was like you couldn't be further apart.
The reality of everything was crushing. Near deadly as you could feel your chest and lungs tighten, with your fingers digging into the paper enough to tear it apart, and reaching your palms as they formed crescent moons, soon drawing blood. Yet nothing could compare to the weight of your heart, and how heavy it felt to carry in your chest.
As you finally moved on from the door, your mind raced. Memories and flashbacks filling your head as every word and notion flashed before your eyes. Barely even paying attention to where you were going, but not caring enough to pay attention.
Every dismissal and excuse thrown your way. Every head shake and blank look. Every confused look, and realization that you were standing there the entire time. Every birthday that passed with the same wish never being granted. Every celebration spent on your own. Every message left on read. Every note ignored. Every time you were forgotten. Every time you were left behind. Every time you brought yourself home, and every time they never noticed. Every night wasted, trying to come up with different things to do only for all of them to turn out fruitless. Everyday that 'maybe' never cones true. Every time you looked out to that sea of strangers, hoping to see someone you recognized, only to find none. Every hour you wasted trying to do something for them while they never once thought of you.
Maybe you'd cry if you could. Then again, maybe not.
You already had spent too many tears over failures you recovered and grew from, and hardships you faced and fought. You've already cried just a little too much during those night you just couldn't handle being so alone, in such a big place anymore. Besides, you've cried enough over people who've never once thought of you. Who never once tried to make time to even see one of your performances, or even allow you to spend a few minutes in their space.
You've given them enough, you think. Especially since after you spent years trying to just make it two thirds of the way — they couldn't even reach that one third of the gap you couldn't. They didn't even try, at least not anymore, and after you had tried to make it easy. Yet, you only hurt yourself in the end.
They never cared about you, and maybe they did once upon a time, but good does that do now when you're trying to go out of your way to make things convenient and easier for them, only for them to skip out on you anyway. No text, no call, no message, no indication, nothing. Just pure silence.
Maybe you were asking for too much, but was it really so bad to want to be loved? And by the people who are supposed to be your family no less?
Hah, who are you kidding at this point. You've just been living in a house full of strangers, and you're the only one who hasn't seen it yet. They've already long since cast you out, and it's only now have you come to truly realize it.
Especially now, as you stand in front of the foot of the door to the music room. Staring at the knob as if it'll turn itself.
You weren't surprised, honestly. Playing music had quickly become an amazing outlet for you, and you had always come here to seek out what little your family couldn't give you; comfort. So it was no wonder that as you collapsed mentally, you had subconsciously brought yourself here.
And yet, only one thought entered your head in that moment.
'They don't deserve to hear my music.'
Perhaps it was now that you decided they had lost the privilege to do so. After all, ever since you had started having performances, even ones in front of wealthy crowds, your 'family' had seemingly been avoiding them like the plague. Never daring to even attend one, for whatever reason, and sure you could understand why they didn't attend the ones you performed at night — but they couldn't use that excuse anymore. You have strictly been playing during the after noon, and at sunset at a push, for over three years now. You've been playing in front of crowds and releasing music for four.
So, you turned away, walking off to your room as your thoughts still stormed. Anger fueling you as you barely remembered storming into your room, collecting any valuables and belongings you had and stuffing them into a bag or two. Not caring about clothes, and only what you deemed important and meaningful to yourself as you just grabbed and shoved everything into a bag if you could.
You could clearly tell now that you obviously weren't wanted, and that no one here even wanted to do the smallest things with you. That even asking to just spend a few minutes with them was too much. So you were doing the only sensible thing, and getting the hell out of here. Moving so quickly that your breathing became uneven, but you didn't stop until you had packed everything you needed, or was important to you in some way.
You only really had a second thought about all this when you were at your window, just about ready to jump out until you paused for a second.
Looking back at the door to your room, you couldn't help but hesitate. There was only ever one person in this entire Manor who treated you like family, and actually put in effort to not only be with you, but to indulge themself in your passion. That met you at the half way mark, and even went a little over sometimes. Since even if everyone else had ignored you — Alfed was there, even if despite all of his efforts you still couldn’t handle this, and maybe that was also your own fault in some way.
You still didn't want to stay, you couldn't anymore, but shouldn't you at least say goodbye? Maybe? After everything... at least he tried.
...
You settled for second best.
Quickly, you grabbed a flashcard and wrote down something before pocketing it and moving back to the window. You may not have any equipment for this kind of thing, but you still managed to scale and work your way around the wall, and managed to reach the window to Alfred's room.
You took a little peak inside, and when you saw that he wasn't there, you opened up the window just a bit, place the small note on the windowsill, and closed it. Then, you skillfully and carefully made your way down, and snuck off to Gotham City. Making your way to a friend's place as you crashed there for the night.
Never once did you look back.
Nor did you ever feel inclined to.
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Later that night, when Alfred read the note, all it said was:
I'm sorry, Alfed. - Y/n
Just with that alone, it was like he understood everything despite the little that was said. All he could wish you was luck, and that you'd be safe wherever you went.
Suddenly, just like that. The nights where melodies would lull the residence of the Manor to sleep, and bring a temporary, mellow peace to all who heard such a tune, were long gone...
Guess they'll just have to find it, and bring it back.
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Kind of rushed at the end there, hope it isn't too bad for a first post. There's probably a lot of mistakes, so apologies for that.
#this was all written in one go#so that's fun#more angst than anything honestly#not really any yan but it is supposed to be for yan stuff#platonic yandere batfam#yandere batfam#yandere dc#yandere x gn reader#gn reader#platonic yandere#neglected reader#sibling reader#reader tries too hard and does their best but finds out it isn't enough#some things just aren't meant to be#but that doesn't mean they get to run around scott free either#not series
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the dynamic of demigods thinking which other demigod is the most powerful is always amusing to me because. like, we know the big 3 kids are all the most powerful. That's just a fact of their universe. And then we know nearly every character views Percy as the strongest demigod, and most people are very rightfully intimidated by him.
and you look at the powers of the Big 3 kids and there's Percy, but then you realize Nico is just kind of objectively more powerful than him but simply chooses to hang out in Percy's shadow like he's Percy's scary dog privileges. Like, the two of them are pretty equally capable of causing multiple different apocalypses. Nico just also has like four different instakill powers and it's not like he doesn't use them. He very much uses them! Not infrequently, even! And they don't seem to take a significant amount of energy from him! And other demigods are pretty intimidated by both of them! But Nico makes a conscious point to keep his cards close to his chest and not let on exactly how dangerous and scary he can be if he wants to. People are already scared enough of him without knowing anything about him and he doesn't like that. Percy doesn't think about that nearly as much, and so usually just goes in guns blazing and that's part of why he's considered a wildcard. And then Nico himself puts Percy on a pedestal, so those who do know more about Nico's abilities then presume Nico knows something they don't about Percy that implies Percy is even stronger than him.
And even on a meta level Nico's narrative role requires him to be functionally more powerful than Percy, because he very often serves the purpose of getting Percy out of situations he can't handle on his own. That's just part of his function as a character! But also narratively he can't overshadow Percy so he just takes a backseat of his own accord and that's very amusing to me.
#pjo#percy jackson#riordanverse#nico di angelo#i will also note it is implied though we never see that Hazel has the exact same powers as Nico#and Hazel has trained with her powers way longer than Nico has plus is older so theoretically is more powerful already#she killed a giant all by herself. sank a small island. and successfully subdued Gaea for like another 60 years#so given that + her also having Nico's powers then *Hazel* is theoretically the strongest demigod no contest#Jason and Thalia end up kind of nerfed by the plot in that neither is allowed to overshadow Percy either#but they dont play the same roles that characters like Nico do - Nico keeps getting stupid abilities just for convenience factor#and Bianca never got the opportunity to use many powers besides astral projection/dream manipulation and similarly hades kid illusion stuff#and general ghost stuff. and she does all that as a ghost really. her killing the skeleton wasnt even her powers that was just a normal sta#and it was just by virtue of her being a hades kid and fulfilling the ''can kill these skeletons'' requirement that it blew up#technically she also showcases underworld immunity with the lethe stuff wearing off but that's very subtle#Hazel also doesnt play the same role as Nico and so doesnt get to showcase all that#plus is similarly nerfed with the ''cant be cooler than Percy'' constraint and so never gets to really do anything#even though logistically she is the most powerful and should showcase the full extent of her abilities to the same degree as Percy and Nico#Jason at least gets a little bit more wiggle room than Thalia being a main protagonist#Nico just gets the most wiggle room out of both not being a protagonist and being functionally a dues ex machina most of the time#versus Thalia or Bianca who are only ever secondary or supporting characters
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Having some feelings this evening about Frodo’s reaction to people around him being corrupted by desire for the One Ring. How generally devoid it is of any blame placed on that person, and how he instead treats it as a tragedy to spare others from by distancing himself.
It’s a big deal in the latter books that Frodo wants to show Sméagol kindness if possible because things have progressed so far that Frodo can recognize his own experience in him. But what’s really making me stare at a wall right now are Frodo’s early days reactions even before the personal identification is as strong.
Basically, I can’t stop thinking about how deeply Frodo’s reaction to that last encounter with Boromir is informed by the fact that the first person to ever try and take the ring from Frodo was actually Bilbo. The fact that the first person Frodo ever saw corrupted to that point, even for a moment, was the kind, clever, caring uncle who adopted and taught him, and who Frodo thinks the world of.
Just thinking about the personal relationship Frodo had with the very first person he saw the Ring affect and how fundamentally that set the tone for his understanding of it for the entirety of the journey.
#tossing my thoughts into the void#is this anything#idk tumblr can have my 1am LOTR shower thoughts#lotr#frodo baggins#bilbo baggins#boromir#I’m due for a reread methinks#idk man I just think it’s really fundamentally important that the very FIRST person Frodo ever saw the ring corrupt was and continues to be#one of his all time favorite people#like of course he views the ring’s affect as a tragedy and not a failing#of course he does
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But I have promises to keep—and miles to go before I sleep.
I couldn't stop thinking about VAL listening to Shrue's radio speech when she confronts Carson, and wondering just how many times she listened back to that recording while waiting for him. Did it bring her some comfort, to listen to someone else's last words as she waited to speak her own? Did she feel a little less alone, keeping company with another ghost that hasn't realised it's already dead?
#🐉#the silt verses#VAL thesiltverses#VALshrue#<- if you want it to be#jart#i wish the radio audio looked better but i spent multiple hours reformatting it before giving up. so whatever.#(<- lowkey digesting his own organs about it)#anywayyyyyy this particular piece kinda possessed me i havent done anything for a week but think about it#most of the blood does not belong to my darling girl. but she is dying here. so nosebleed of doom it is.#the ear also because of my hc that they bolted her earpiece to her. and she ripped it out in the previous episode.#and her prayer mark wounds have reopened. because i wanted to really give the impression that shes falling apart at this point.#the red square is both a symbol of bloodshed and also limitation. and because i couldnt think of a good background.
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in the comics Agatha is revived by wanda. And that’s all I’m going to say.
#I really like the ending I don’t care#especially cause when she does get revived she’ll finally have the grey streak y’all#I love Agatha as a mentor!#agatha all along#yap#agathario#agatha harkness#vidahark#rio vidal#agatha all along spoilers#I’m not disappointed at anything#like genuinely#i loved everything about it#i really hope you all will give it enough love that they Greenlight a second season
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