#as if smth was being pushed through
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another one 😎
#cannot stop thinking about her#like what a WOMAN#also my thoughts on her magic are like very much water esque#but also very much bloodvessel#as if smth was being pushed through#or that creepy thing in tv shows when the blood turns sour and you watch a different colour errupt under the skin in that spiderweb pattern#yeaaaaaaa freak behavior#oc odessa#my art#dnd
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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Having thoughts
#Eldritch IT Speaks#Salam watches ds9#smth smth watching Doctor Bashir I Presume as a disabled person#Who grew up with parents who only cared about their child seeming Normal#pushed into traumatic psych and speech therapy etc etc#im sure true followers know of my various traumas and baggage wrt to all that#being seen as something defective that needs fixing instead of a child that needs support etc etc#i am. going through it.
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nobody understands megara from hades like i do/hj
#sorry incoherent rant abt meg in the tags warning 4 hades spoilers#aaaaaaaagh its stupid but it kinda annoys me how most of the hades fandom either reduces her character to girlboss queen#or smth or hot badass woman (or hate her bc she gets in the way of the gay ship or whatever)#and not saying that she is not a girlboss or a hot badass lady sure she is! but THAT'S NOT ALL THERE IS TO HER CHARACTER#she is a stoic prideful person who pushes people away bc she is afraid to be emotionally open to people and that that would#affect her and her work which is basically being a scary person the only people that she allows herself to be kinda open with are#dusa and kinda nyx but just kinda and through time zagreus#but she still cares about them she cares about them a lot!!#she tells zag to stay away from dusa bc she knows nyx will fire her and then when she fires her she threatens zag to fix it cuz that#was her friend damn it and she believes that what she does to stop zag is for his own good she believes that she is doing him#a favor by taking him down and sending him back to the house herself rather than hades#and yeah#sorry for the rant gamers im unwell about vidigame characters#gh0ost txt#rant
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they should invent a me that's dead 🖤
#so mad at myself rn for so many reasons#and i'm so tired of being. aware#i'm kind of pushing through the days by either distracting myself or dissociating#but i'm having trouble doing either of those late at night#and i can't sleep bc i'm a dumbass and took a nap earlier#distracting myself isn't really good bc i actually have tasks to do and i'm not doing them when i'm too focused on gun stuff#and i have a deadline and it's not smth i can do at the last day#but i can't bring myself to do it for some unclear reason (depression. probably)#oh my god i just noticed a distressing type a few tags back. fun***** stuff not gun stuff 😭 i wish#ANYWAY can someone come over and kill me 🥺 please#vent#negative //#suicide //#ig? implied?#ask to tag
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haven’t really talked abt them much but i’m actually obsessed w kikidane. two of the worst ppl you’ve ever met getting together. i’ve honestly just had dane in the back of mind lately. i’ll come back w more articulate thoughts when i can actually like. form smth coherent but like. working on the in-between story again has forced me to actually go back and look at some shit in GooH and he has some interesting lines i hadn’t really sat with/analyzed. at the very least i think it’s always fascinating to look at characters in retrospect, like if you get a chance to see a character after they’ve failed/died/whatever and seeing how they react.
like he has a line talking about how he’s “not a king, but a king maker” and it’s got me reexamining his dynamic w eric in the larger scheme of my canon, and to bring it back to kikidane, it’s even got me wondering about the sims 2 kid i made based on them. hmmm
#good antagonist. would love to push him out a window#also i realized he and kiki have arguably similar deaths symbolic of being told to stop talking??#shot through the mouth and strangulation/snapped neck respectively. after ‘‘talking too much’’ leads to their demise.#even just the defenestration itself is symbolic of that#<- which was smth usually or at least most notably done to monarchs
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btw it is our little's chosen birthday today since it's also emu's bday & not a single person has wished them happy birthday even with them being devastated in our discord status so 🙃it'd mean a lot to them to come back from their sad nap to ppl wishing them happy bday
#mine#we're not saying their name or alias publicly on our acc that's pushing it#but like. i got permission from our primary protector to say smth bc they're genuinely devastated & we're all fucking pissed.#like they literally. told multiple ppl when they picked it out. & were already hurt when they didn't wake up to anything#& then made our status a vent & still. not a single person has said anything. like. idk. im rly pissed idek what to do w myself.#they've been put through so much bullshit this yr w being treated like shit & made to feel just as shitty as we all do. it sucks.#we're all pissed & hurt on their behalf & our own & each other's. i just. idk.#like they say u know who ur real friends are when ur hurting & it's like. damn not even our little has anyone who can be arsed#to give a genuine damn & say anything to them when they're crying on their bday they excitedly chose???? & looked forward to???#they literally were begging & praying to get attention today but instead it's been mostly me & our protector out bc they're so devastated.#idk what to do or say anymore i cant even bring myself to say anything directly to anyone.#im sick of watching not even our little be spared from being treated like shit for being depressed considering the circumstances bruh.#ANYWAY... they're in the back of the headspace taking a nap w another protector to try to cheer up a bit. so.#wish them happy bday and wish them well smth idk just take the load off all this loneliness bc it's suffocating for ALL of us#but it def hurts them the most and it sucks. and im tired. and pissed.
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#time isnt feeling real btw.#my birthdays in like 3 days . its on sunday someone do the math 4 me thanks#n like . i have othing fucking planned. my mental health is in Shambles. my finances are i Shambles#and Yet . i am living like noyhing is Wrong .#centre of a hurricane and im making daisy chains essentially.#im 22 soon n thst doesnt even feel real#i get older n every year my birthday feels Less and Les and i dont actuslly likenthar um hello?????#no?????#anyway i soent like . 4hrs cleanjng today. its looking prrsentable. i plan to attack my bathroom n lounge room Properlu tmr#So Atleast . if sll plans fail i can have ppl over and not worry abt . being judged fkr the state of my house :/#bedroom will be locked fromcthe inside (aj#aka smth heavy jus pushed against the dkkr so no one can get in#bc it reeks n its messy.#i did 4 loads of laundry + 2 more to go in the maxhines.#and i still have 3 baskets worth of clothes to wash 🥴🥴#if my bedroom isnt like . clean by tmr night i am judt sgifting my clothing hanger to . behind the coucb#so at least thrn i can keep moving w what i want / need to do#naso . if i have ppl over ill feel less weird w them looking at my clothes if theyre . whrre i plan ro move them to?#bc then i can just throw a blanket ove rit and literally . were good as gold .#side note i jus realised that if . i shut my bedroom door inside . ill have to possibly climb through the window to get in /out#fuck .#alrighto.#ill have to climb out anyway. but ill make jt light enough that i can open it with s rlly hard shovw yknow?#if not . window !
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Someone having a bad attitude/rude articulation is not the same as someone being personally mean/harmful/offensive to you.
If you can walk away from a discussion confident that neither of you said anything worth wishing you could take back then congratulations: you’ve had the real life equivalent of a negative friendliness action in the Sims and there are NO permanent negative bodily consequences! Get back on the horse, your next social interaction with someone else could easily be far better.
My hands get tense and painful when I feel socially rejected, I can fully understand it sucks bad to receive attitude you feel undeserving of especially when you perceive yourself as working hard for unconscious social praise. But just like two autistics with different stimulation needs can’t both be happy in the exact same environment “made for autistics”, not everyone can have a pleasant reaction in a social convention “meant to be pleasant” because people can’t control their physical symptoms of frustration any more than I can control that my mind goes blank and I stutter or go silent when I’m genuinely (and irrationally) scared about answering simple questions.
As humans we are all owed common decency. Common decency is not semi-conditional kindness. It’s just respect for the unknown of a person. Offering basic comforts/requirements as you feel is natural, non-threatening environment for your personal life, acknowledging you exist when you arrive and wishing you well when you depart. That is common decency. Smiling, speaking in a specific tone, and forcing your body language to work for the comfort of a group rather than flow naturally as you react to stimuli, that is kindness. It’s nice to receive kind actions from strangers, but no one is owed these things. Even if you paid for a burger or got lost in the supermarket for two hours.
#I won’t deny there’s bad ppl in customer service who ARE objectively mean and abrasive#but I feel like there’s way less of them than there are just kinda. yknow.#bitchy people 🤷🏼♀️#I’m one of them now#I didn’t used to be#just. idk. be mindful of if you’re seeing boogie men bc of past experiences#I understand when it’s your doctor or boss who’s genuinely indecent to you#it’s a matter of safety to then lower your trust and expectations of people in that group#but when you’re scolding the entirety of customer service for complaining publicly and saying WELL WHAT IF#youre straw manning. you’re thinking ‘what if I saw a video complaining about ME one day’#and I’m sorry if that were to happen and they were straight up bullying you!!!#but I think if you see a video where a server is complaining about how an interaction went down#where THEY felt dehumanized so in turn they were a bit rude to the customer#and your reaction is to think of it as an exertion of power over you bc you had smth similar BUT DIFFERENT IN NATURE AND IMPACT#you’re not seeing the big picture#if this hypothetical video contained no mocking of a disability or threats of harm to the customer etc.#the server is literally just venting about a social interaction that frustrated them bc being frustrated feels!! uncomfortable!!!#this doesn’t mean they go around judging and hating everyone that happens to behave in a similar way SOMETIMES when pushed to a limit#they’re venting with the context that they have to go through these frustrations FREQUENTLY#erasing that context makes it seem like Customer Service Workers as a group enter social interactions seeking conflict#and while it may seem common bc of sensationalism I assure you the majority of the time we are not escalating things#and we don’t let ableist people just mock others comfortabley. truly I’m sorry if this is your most common experience#just remember like. a lot of us are disabled too.#I know it’s a privilege to be ABLE to work but it is still very much a burden bc we HAVE to#disabled ppl who can’t work have so little control in their lives and I’m sympathetic to that#but I feel like it creates this huge rift with disabled ppl who can work#bc we’re perceived as having so much more control over our finances#but we dontttt. we don’t. a lot of customer vs employee spats are just ppl going band for band w disabilities#we just aren’t aware of each other in the moment#basically love each other even if it means leaving an interaction a bit sullen
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#if i could stop being tired so i could at least try to draw smth that would be great actually#like i don't think anything good will come out of it and it will probably be a shit time again#but i need to at least try its the only way ill push through this artblock i can feel it#there are brief periods where i dont feel bad while drawing and i need to maximize those#but for that i need to stop lying around doing fuck all#didnt even do anything to warrant being so tired today#pleaseee i know i can get through this i want to enjoy my hobby again pleeeassseeee#i can do this i swear to god ill get there aaahhhhhh
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☢️.
#so i finished fallout new vegas and it’s a great introduction to this type of gaming#i’m a wimp when it comes to fighting but the VATS allowed things to slow down significantly#and when the pip boy’s raised the fight doesn’t progress so those things kept the combat aspect less intimidating#i rmb being such a noob at the start and i ended up ultimately getting bored bc i got to OP for the main plot#i was just dragging out everything at this point#i maxxed out to lvl 30 and got the best guns#everything down to the deathclaws and the fight with the legion was so…easy so i just finished the game#my reflection on it is that no matter how good your intentions were (since most of the good karma options are for the ncr)#the government figure in the game still doesn’t push thru#*pull through with their promises of fairness#they’re oppressive and their expansion throughout the mojave displaced a lot of ppl throughout#most of which i’ve met along the way#it concluded beautifully#this just significantly increased my interest on the fallout universr#i cant wait to replay this but also i want to see what the other games have to offer#i loved it#played roughly 80hrs tho i know i could’ve finished it earlier#oh and i crossed off all locations on the map so that was smth else#ever since marked everything i just wanted to fuck it i’ll finish it noe#*now#toff.txt
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I should rly get around to designing the Jackies and Olivias from my swap aus now that I have ideas for how to differentiate them for their non swapped counterparts, but at the same time the eternal dread of having to commit to either keeping or changing the gravitas uniform for the swap aus hangs over me with ever increasing pressure, so maybe I can just only draw headshots of them and commit to that til the end of time instead
#rat rambles#oni posting#but actually I probably will keep the uniforms because I like them and theyre fun to draw#plus I dont think making olivia director inherently means that the uniform would change so I can get away with it#olivia and jackie would have probably come up with that together anyways simular to the rest of gravitas branding#theyve probably had all of that decided on since their college days lol#but yeah Ive been thinking abt the swap aus more since it's fun to put olivia into a more antagonistic role#even if the levels of antagonistic varry heavily and in most of the universes jackie is also an antagonist even as the primary pov#a lot of these in universe would be mostly jackie pov rambling about some bullshit that doesnt matter while the real meat in the other logs#all imply some gnarly shit abt olivia and how shes faring as director#shes typically not as bad as her non swapped jackies but she rly pushes it in the swapped rat universe#and by that I kind of just mean she is simply just worse but she at least almost handled the divorce better than canon jackie#I say almost because she did proceed to kidnap the woman after she admittedly broke into gravitas facilities after being fired but still#generally speaking kidnapping and semi murdering your ex for science is t a cool move no matter how justified you feel#the other two olivias are a lot less openly corrupt with rabbit au olivia being mostly just more mean and raccoon au olivia just having a#smidge of a god complex that she generally never acted on to be shitty#also one of those olivias was in a toxic codependent relationship with her unstable wife and the other was also in an toxic codependent#relationship with her wife but her wife proceeded to murder her about it#the jackies are all pretty shitty tho even if in mostly different ways#we have petty incel jackie we have emotionally manipulative jackie and we have the reason raccoon au olivia has a mild god complex jackie#and then we're forced to sit and watch as each jackie reads through their shitty actions as memoryless pods acting like theyd never do that#only to remember and sit in horror at the fact that at the end of the day their actions had little concequence to the greater universe and#that the only thing they achieved in life was hurting the woman they loved most and dying in a way that ultimately meant nothing#which is another reason Ive been thinking abt these aus sm as I love narratively kicking the shit out of jackie its fun#its a sign of my deepest love <3#Im so much nicer to main au jackie which is saying smth since one of them gets literally murdered#albeit swap rat au jackie also gets sorta murdered so raccoon au jackie rly isn't special in that regard#at least she wasnt held hostage before hand it was a spur of the moment event#anyways I need to shower before it gets too late Im trying to maintain a msidgen of a sleep schedule
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Me projecting eldest daughter syndrome onto Dean
#h elp#i think he has very mixed feelings about taking care of people esp kids bc of having to take care of sam#and thats why hes so quick to take care of kids but also pushes them away in the next second bc he doesnt want them too close#bc ohhhh what if sam went through a phase of calling dean dad or smth im-#<- taken from my mom being happy that my sister reffered to me as a second mother like it was cute and not rlly weird that i couldnt#just be her sibling#ooooohhhhh mg#sorry im normal#(im not)#auugjhmkhdrujdgk#anyways. he has complicated feelings and thoughts and ohhh parallels btw taking in jack and him taking care of sam and he doesnt want to go-#through that again but also he cant just watch him die and he feels a little resentful that sam and cas are actually adults when they take-#in jack unlike dean who was also a child taking care of a slightly younger child but having to act like an adult#sorry sorry#augh#spn
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#(see prev post 4 context. ig)#and like. I keep reminding myself it's like with my current special interest (the one too cringe for me to post about on main iykyk)#He's stated that he's never going to read that shit with me and. Like I'd prefer if he did#and think that us doing that together would be a lot of fun for me#but ultimately all I'm losing here is a potential pastime/hobby#(this would b a better analogy if he wasnt willing 2 *listen* 2 me talk about said SpIn for literal hours but lets ignore that for a sec.)#(... god I do NOT deserve him)#if I want to get closer to him there are other ways of doing that!#like you know! hanging out with him more and not pushing him away over this!#no matter what I DON'T want him to feel like I was only his friend in the hopes of being fwb. he doesn't deserve that whatsoever#esp not on top of everything else he's going through.#but I just. god feel so drained.#and I can't vent to any of my other friends about it because it would feel like a saying shit behind his back#even venting here I'm not saying a lot of stuff going on with us for his privacy.#just. god#Adrien says stuff#(ignore me community labelling smth this tame I just thought like. better safe than sorry yk.)
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I was so bored that I went and scrolled back through my blog and DMs and old art, and I got up to summer 2021 at which point I had to stop because I got too damn emotional
#tbh I went through the whole spectrum of emotions while I was at it#some nostalgia. some cringe#sometimes smiling or laughing at an old convo#but often I was hit with this intense melancholy#especially when I read smth like ‘I want to write this once day!!’ or ‘I hope to get some writing done!!’#or even worse ‘I’ve improved so much in my writing and I hope to improve more!!!’#like. fuck. kick me between the ribs next time it’ll hurt less#and then stuff like.. saying I’m confident in being able to finish whumptober 2021#I pushed that out of my memory actually bc of how guilty I felt#70% of what I wrote doesn’t even qualify as whump idk what I was on about#posting a fic every day… imagine if I could still do that now#and just in general. every mention of a fic I was writing that I never finished. or an idea o was experimenting with that went nowhere#*I#they’re all like punches to the gut#you can just tell. from what I wrote. from my tone#I was excited. I had that spark in me#it’s gone now. hasn’t been there in ages#and the thing is.. those posts and messages sometimes aren’t older than a year#up until very recently I was completely fine#what happened to me#I want my old self back#I could do so much now if I still had that passion#I’m running out of free time. I should use it as much as I can#yet I don’t. I wish I still had that love for creating#how could I have changed so much in less than two years#when I tried to figure it out I thought that writing competition sowed the seeds of it#but no. I was still excited and passionate even a year after that thing#it was something else. I don’t know what. whatever it was I wish it never happened#I wish I took full advantage of my spark back when I still had it#look at me now. I can’t even write a single fic. I’ve become nothing short of useless. why did it have to happen
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OKAY OKAY COULD YOU PLEASE WRITE SMTH ABOUT SEVIKA PROTECING READER BECAUSE OF SOMETHING LIKE HERE ON THIS PIC SHE PROTECTS JINX AND ISHA??
im sorry if i wrote something wrong but english is not my first language😭🙏
OF COURSE !!!!!!! I have an idea for this...
I got a little carried away and gave you more LOL sorry
Sevika x Fem!Reader
She grabbed you before you could process the fan being turned on. Thankfully, you weren't too far from the table that protected you both, otherwise you would have been swept with the air flow violently.
Your side hurt. The shot Caitlyn took must have not only pierced your skin but the force broke your rib too. Whatever the gun was made of was strong enough to go through the stone pillar behind you partially as well.
Safe to say it hurt as fuck.
You clutched your side and winced as Sevika crouched with you in front of her, the stone table keeping you sat up, but barely. Sevika's new metal arm grabbed onto the table and kept her put, the other going to hold your side with you.
You weren't sure whether your adrenaline was keeping you lucid or if the shot wasn't truly that bad. Regardless, you didn't want to hang around much longer.
You looked up at your girlfriend, head slightly bouncing off the stone behind you as you rested it. She looked worried, and although nothing but pain was filling your sense, you found the energy to sigh and show her a small smile.
Her hair was flying around with the wind, her face showing slight worry and mostly focus as she tried to keep you both behind the table.
"You'll be fine." She mouthed, and you couldn't do much more but nod. You trusted her. You believed her...but the blood slowly seeping through the cracks of your fingers, and onto her hand covering yours, it was looking more like you were not going to be fine.
The wind seemed everlasting and the longer you sat there, waiting for it to stop, the dizzier you became.
You wanted to see Sevika's face for as long as you could. Taking in her scowl of concentration, the barely noticeable glint of nervousness in her eye when she met yours, the shiny scar across her cheek.
You thought she was leaning down to get out of the wind more, but instead she leaned down to your ear and spoke through the loud fan.
"Don't look at me like that." She spoke it as a command as her hand squeezed your bleeding side.
"Like what?" You scoffed quietly, immediately feeling the burn in your rib.
"Like you're about to say goodbye. You're fine."
You hummed and looked back up at her when she pulled away, leaving no room for discussion.
She was so gorgeous, holding you, protecting you, as if you were about to disappear any minute.
Your head spun so much you didn't even notice the fan turn off. Sevika lifted you off the ground and instructed Jinx, who was also carrying a girl, where to go. It all came out as muffled to you though, as the blood loss slowly stared winning, and you passed out.
When you woke up, the first thing you saw was two heads looking down at you. Jinx's braids tickled your nose, while the other girls hair wasn't even long enough to reach her eyebrows. You groaned, immediately going in to hold your side as a reflex to find it bandaged.
"I told you to let her rest." Sevika's voice rung out in a disappointed tone as she walked in with a bunch of fresh bandages in her hand. Presumably for you.
You were in Silco's office, laid down on his sofa. The table was covered with medical supplies, alcohol bottles and jinx's crafts, but your eyes ended up laying upon Sevika. Her worried expression had you worried.
"How are you feeling?" Sevika asked, looking down at you as she put the obnoxious amount of wraps on the table.
"Trust you to get shot." Jinx scoffed playfully as she stared down at you, knowing damn well that bullet was meant for her. "Took it like a champ though!"
You chuckled back and attempted to sit up, but Sevika was faster and pushed you back down, shaking her head.
"I'm fine." You spoke, but Sevika wouldn't relent. She kept you laying down as she changed your bandages carefully. Your eyes fell from Sevika onto the little girl who was still staring down at you. "Who would have thought Jinx took in a stray. What's your name?"
"Her name is Isha. She's sticking around." Jinx replied matter-of-factly, a small smirk on her face as she said it. It made you giggle a bit.
"Alright, out." Sevika stood up from crouching beside you as she finished your bandages. Jinx took Isha and left, excited to show her some of her trinkets to get her mind off of...recent events. "She needs to rest."
"I'm alright." You spoke, reaching out for Sevika's hand to help you up. "How bad was it?"
"Bad enough to have me worried." She sighed, sitting beside you and letting you lean on her.
"Sorry." You sighed back, almost identically. "And you know, thank you."
She wrapped her hand around your shoulders and kissed the top of your head.
"Anytime."
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