#as deliberate advertisement and to give myself time to

[mxwhore]

thinking about uploading here martin 1 from hunger pangs...

[poisonlove]

Hey, I'm not sure if you're taking requests, but I'm gonna ask anyway.

(Wednesday Addams x female reader)

Reader gets Wednesday a black necklace with a miniature dagger on it for her birthday. While Wednesday secretly loves the gift, she acts like she does not care for the gift. However, she wears it all the time. One day, when she comes into her dorm, she finds the necklace missing and practically hunts down the whole school to find it. Wednesday almost kills someone to get it. Reader sees her acting crazy to find something, and when she asks what it is, she has no choice but to tell her. It ends cute with fluff at the end

I can't write it myself, so I need help❤️

Happy birthday | w.a

Pairing: Wednesday Addams X reader

Status: request

Advertising: fluffy, wednesday cry

Author: sorry for this end

"Happy birthday, Wed," I say with a small smile on my lips.

We were at the only café in Jericho, celebrating Wednesday Addams' 17th birthday. Enid had dragged her there, promising the gothic brunette that it wasn't a birthday party but something strange she wanted to show her.

As soon as Wednesday walked into the café and saw her friends—Thing, Xavier, Eugene, Tyler, and Enid's boyfriend—she shot a glare at her roommate.

"I told you no party," she hissed, but Enid beamed at her.

"This doesn't count as a party," Enid replied, trying to reassure her.

With a resigned sigh, Wednesday approached the table.

"Happy birthday, Addams," Xavier said, grinning ear to ear.

Wednesday didn't even respond.

Wednesday's brown eyes locked onto mine, staring intensely as if trying to read my thoughts.

"I thought at least you wouldn't be involved," she murmured slowly, coldly.

Embarrassment flushed my cheeks.

"It was Enid's idea," I quickly apologized, blushing deeply under Addams' accusatory gaze.

"You know I hate birthdays," Wednesday said, unfazed.

"Think of it as an event bringing you closer to death," I suggested, shivering slightly.

Wednesday raised an eyebrow, considering it for a moment. "Interesting perspective. Though death is the only event I eagerly await, it doesn't make birthdays any less... unbearable."

I smiled shyly, trying to lighten the mood. "Well, at least you have an excuse to receive gifts."

"I detest gifts," she retorted, a touch of coldness in her voice. "They're just useless symbols of unwanted affection."

"I know," I admitted, briefly looking away. "But sometimes it's nice to receive something just because someone cares about you."

Wednesday stared at me intensely, as if trying to read between the lines of my words. "Feelings are overrated," she declared, but there was a slight hesitation in her voice.

The brunette walked slowly towards me and sat down next to me. Wednesday's Notes of Amber and Wood perfume reached my nostrils, and I almost closed my eyes in appreciation.

Enid approached us with enthusiasm, her blue eyes shining brighter than usual."Happy birthday, Weddy," the blonde chirped, almost screaming. I smiled tenderly, watching as Enid rushed towards Addams and hugged her quickly.

Wednesday closed her eyes, enduring her friend's affection.

"You don't mind if we got you gifts, right?" Enid almost asked with guilt, and Wednesday sighed loudly.

"No," she muttered through gritted teeth.

I chuckled timidly, and Wednesday kicked me under the table, silencing me and making me bite my lip hard from the pain.

"I think the whole school knows that you are a girl who likes things like death and torture..." Enid begins shyly.

"Too much," Xavier comments amused.

"So Ajax and I wanted to give you this," says Enid nervously, handing over a package wrapped in black paper.

Wednesday took the package with deliberate slowness, carefully observing every detail of the wrapping. With a precise motion, she slid a nail along the edge of the black paper, meticulously peeling off the adhesive tape. She didn't tear the paper but opened it carefully, as if performing a ritual. Finally, she extracted the contents revealing a romantic novel.

She looked up in confusion and stared intently at the blonde.

"We thought it would be torture for you to read it," the blonde said, and Wednesday smiled imperceptibly.

"Thank you," she said seriously.

Other gifts followed: Tyler gave her a coupon to order her favorite drink for free for a week, Eugene a jar of honey, and Xavier a book on various torture methods.

Wednesday glanced at me sideways, and I shrugged indifferently. I tried to hide my nervousness and continued to maintain eye contact with Wednesday. The latter, seeing nothing strange, returned to look at her friends.

I sighed with relief: I wanted to give her the gift later without anyone around.

At midnight, Wednesday's birthday party had officially become unbearable for the birthday girl, and she asked to return to Nevermore. We walked silently towards Wednesday's and Enid's room, although the latter had gone to sleep with Ajax.

Silence surrounded us, and the gift I had in my pocket burned with each passing second.

I wiped my sweaty hands on my pants and swallowed loudly.

"What's wrong with you?" Wednesday casually asks in front of me.

How did she notice?

"Nothing," I mutter timidly, nervously chuckling.

We arrive in front of her room door, and the brunette turns to look at me curiously. My eyes fix on her face illuminated by the faint moonlight, making me blush recklessly. I had feelings for Wednesday for some time now and hoped Addams wouldn't notice.

"When you laugh in this way you hide something," Wednesday says seriously.

Damn.

"Um..." I start nervously, my heart beating fast against my chest.

"I also have a gift for you," I say timidly.

"Y/n/n," the brunette whispers.

"It's nothing," I immediately justify, knowing Wednesday's general dislike for gifts, especially fancy ones.

I take the small box out of my pocket and hand it to Wednesday, trembling slightly.

Wednesday takes the box with the same meticulous care she applies to every gesture. Her long fingers delicately grasp the adhesive tape and peel it off with surgical precision. The paper unfolds under her hands like petals of a blooming flower, revealing the content. Her cold, calculating brown eyes rest on the black necklace with the tiny miniature dagger.

Despite her habit of hiding emotions, for a brief but intense moment a spark of interest passes through her eyes. Her expression doesn't change, but there's something in the tilt of her head, in the way she holds the necklace between her fingers, that suggests a subtle almost imperceptible appreciation.

"It's... an innocent gift, I swear," my cheeks turn red. "It's an old family heirloom," I justify.

Wednesday looks up from the gift and stares at me intensely. Her face is a mask of impassivity.

She says nothing but moves closer and hugs me timidly, a surprisingly tender gesture for her. The contact makes me hold my breath, and my heart seems to want to explode from my chest. Then, with a light movement, she kisses me on the cheek.I stand still, almost incredulous at what just happened.

Wednesday withdraws, her face still impassive but with a slight warmth in her cheeks.

She was embarrassed.

"Thank you," she murmurs. Then she puts the gift in her pocket and enters her room, closing the door behind her.

I stand there for a moment, trying to process everything. The silence of the hallway envelops me, but inside me, I feel a whirlwind of emotions. I bring a hand to my cheek, still warm from Wednesday's kiss, and smile shyly.

(...)

Days passed slowly, turning into months, and Wednesday remained the enigmatic and somewhat peculiar figure typical of the Addams family.

Despite the time that had passed, I had never seen her wear the necklace I had given her. Initially, I felt disappointed, but then I realized I couldn't blame her. Perhaps I had overstated its importance, making it something too sophisticated and not suited to her style. Maybe for her, it was simply an object of little interest, if not outright distasteful.

I didn't reveal my disappointment because I harbored deep feelings for her. I wanted to continue being her best friend, as I always had been, even though my heart sometimes fluttered in the face of her coldness.

One day, Wednesday's behavior took a completely anomalous turn, and I began to worry seriously about her.

I saw her walking through the school with palpable agitation, scrutinizing every corner, lifting vases, and searching through the garden's grass and fountain. It was clear she was searching for something with an almost frightening determination.

I was so worried that even Enid, usually impassive in the face of Wednesday's eccentricities, seemed unsettled. When I finally managed to talk to her, Enid confided that Wednesday had literally torn apart their room, searching everywhere with excessive fury.

"I swear, y/n, it was terrifying," Enid told me nervously. "I simply asked what she was looking for, and Wednesday yelled at me and pushed me out of the room," she continued, her voice trembling, "and if I had insisted, she would have killed me," she concluded, terrified for her life.

Enid quickly waved goodbye and walked away from me, probably wanting to escape Wednesday's wrath.

It was clear that something serious was happening.

I couldn't understand what could have triggered such a reaction in Wednesday, but the anxiety was starting to affect me too.I decided to walk towards Addams' room, eager to talk to her and understand what was going on.

As I approached, I noticed something glinting in a corner, behind a statue. I raised an eyebrow with curiosity, cautiously approaching. It was the necklace I had given Wednesday.I picked it up and carefully put it in my pocket.

I wanted to meet Wednesday and try to understand what was happening. I also hoped she could give me explanations about why she had thrown away the necklace I had given her; she could have at least returned it.

I walked towards Wednesday's room and raised an eyebrow in confusion, seeing the door half-open, accompanied by a deafening noise coming from inside.

I opened the door slowly and found myself facing a scene of total chaos: overturned beds, the desk turned over with scattered objects everywhere, clothes strewn on the floor, papers scattered everywhere.

I even saw a T-shirt on the window.

It was such complete disorder that it left me speechless for a moment, wondering what could have caused all this in Wednesday's usually tidy room.

Wednesday was hunched over her bed, with Things by her side. "No, Things, I don't care if we've already looked under the bed, help me," she said desperately.

What on earth was she looking for?

"Wednesday?" I called out in confusion.

The gothic girl tensed slowly and turned to look at me. I widened my eyes seeing her bloodshot eyes, mascara running down and marking her cheeks.

She had been crying.

I immediately approached her; why she had thrown away the necklace didn't matter to me now.

Wednesday looked at me with seriousness and anguish, her arms wrapping around my neck in a suddenly needy embrace. The warmth of her body made me shiver, a sensation contrasting with the intensity of the situation.

"Enid told me you were looking for something..." I said, my voice muffled by her embrace."Why didn't you tell me?" I added gently, trying to understand what was troubling her so deeply.

"I could have helped you," I added with a smile that I hoped would reassure her.

Wednesday withdrew slightly and looked at me with eyes reflecting palpable sadness.

"I didn't want... to disappoint you," she confessed, lowering her gaze.

"Why?" I asked, confused and curious about her thoughts.

Wednesday seemed to struggle with herself, a visible conflict in her gaze. After a long moment of silence, she decided to reveal the truth.

"I lost your necklace," she admitted, avoiding my gaze and staring at her shoes with evident discomfort.

So that's what she was looking for...

I smiled broadly and chuckled to myself, confusing Wednesday. The gothic girl stared intensely at me, her eyes darkening at my demeanor, visibly annoyed. Without saying a word, I pulled out the necklace from my pocket, and Wednesday's eyes widened in surprise.

"Where did you find it?" she asked curiously, her tone serious."Behind a statue," I murmured timidly, smiling at the brunette girl.

" I thought you had thrown it away... After all, I've never seen you wear it," I confessed shyly.

Wednesday took the necklace and turned her back to me, moving her braids aside and tilting her neck.

"Will you put it on me?" she asked timidly.

I smiled nervously and timidly approached her, my trembling hands fastening the necklace around her neck over the W necklace that her mother had given her.

Wednesday turned around and looked up to meet my gaze.

"I've always had it... I just didn't want anyone to think I really cared," she confessed quickly.

I knew Wednesday wanted to maintain her reputation as the strange girl at all costs, so I wasn't surprised by her choice to hide it. I looked at Wednesday with curiosity, a small smile creeping onto my lips as I noticed her cheeks blush slightly.

I decided to lighten the mood.

"I'll help you tidy up the room," I said timidly, giving Wednesday a quick kiss on the cheek.

"Never do that again," she said, embarrassed.

"What if I do?" I teased, and Wednesday looked at me calmly.

We began to tidy up the room together; I picked up papers from the floor, sorted some clothes where I found a hoodie I had lent her months ago, while Wednesday organized the desk and her bed.

"Y/n?," Wednesday called me timidly.

I turned with the clothes in my hands and looked at her attentively.

The gothic girl seemed nervous."Even though I kept the necklace hidden... I really care about you," she confessed, and I smiled broadly.

I kept smiling, even though a part of my conscience devilishly whispered that Wednesday was only doing it as a friend. But if she allowed me to be close to her, I would accept it anyway.

"If you lose it again, let me know, okay?" I joked timidly.

Wednesday tilted her head, scrutinizing me carefully.

"I won't lose it again, I swear on Nero," she admitted, and my heart skipped a beat at those words.

She had sworn on her scorpion.

"Good," I said embarrassedly, lowering my gaze to hide my blushing cheeks, my heart beating frantically.

Wednesday observed my embarrassment with curiosity.

"Y/n?," she said slowly, breaking the brief silence. "I'm not good with words, but... thank you. For understanding me."

Her voice was calm but loaded with meaning, and I felt a thrill of emotion run down my spine. It was as if she too was struggling with a part of herself that she rarely showed to others.

"There's no need to thank me," I replied sincerely, lifting my gaze to meet hers. "I'm here for you, Wednesday. Always."

A faint smile touched Wednesday's lips, almost imperceptible but full of gratitude. It was a moment of silent connection between us, a mutual understanding that transcended words.

"I know," she finally said, with a hint of seriousness in her voice. "And I... really appreciate all this. You're the only one who truly knows me."

Those words filled me with warmth.

It was perhaps the first time I heard Wednesday express her gratitude so openly, and I felt privileged to have been welcomed into her reserved inner world.

Oh Wednesday... If you knew what I would do for you. Maybe you would finally let me completely into your cold heart.

[catboybiologist]

So. This has lived on my hard drive for over a year and a half now, and in my head for much longer than that. I have the entire plot mapped out in my mind, and it's not *too* long. But it's gonna require a lot of careful writing that I think is beyond my ability, and definitely beyond my current available free time level. Maybe when I advance to candidacy, or maybe this is the story I use a portable backpacking writing setup for.

Either way. It's very deliberately allegorical, and taps into a few sci fi cliche "twists" that you're supposed to kinda figure out early on, but are used for bigger themes later.

As I said. Probably beyond my ability.

But here's how I kicked it off a while back. It has a similar "flow" to the intro of biologics, where it cuts between expository introspection and the actual events happening. Idk if that's weird, but it's what made sense to me.

Also I hate the working title I gave it, but I can't think of it as anything else now.

Symphony of the Stars

The bar I found myself in wasn't much different than millions of others like it. A couple cheap liquors that could be found anywhere, maybe a halfway decent local beer or two, and some tacky tourist paraphernalia hang haphazardly on the walls. Absentmindedly, I swirled my drink. My eyes slowly drifted through the panel windows behind the bar, and onto the orange gas giant visible through it.

That was one thing that made me partial to this little backwater- that damn view. Sure, the closer moons might advertise themselves on their intimate little peeks at the red spot, or the faintest glimpse of Jupiter's barely visible rings, but the people there... Not that I minded the workers, I'm a mechanic of sorts myself- but the miners, water pumpers, and atmospheric skimmers of Jupiter's inner moons were a particular brand of insufferable. Thinking that a couple years managing equipment in the Hellas basin made them the most rugged people on the planet, and then shipped themselves out to the furthest flung inhabited spot in the damn solar system. Joke's on them- most of them don't survive 10 years out here. The ones that make it are a different story, I'll give you that. A certain breed of person actually has what it takes to make it out here, and those people have earned some respect.

But I digress.

Callisto was a remote place, damn far from the sprawling metropolises of Mars or the more cushy mining jobs in the belt. Up until recently, it had been my own little sleepy backwater that I had used to escape my extended hours fixing ships for the harvesters on the other moons.

That was before jumping.

Callisto boasted a small engineering and research center near the south pole, most famous for getting artificial gravity fields working nearly three centuries ago. That bit of notoriety let someone set up a particle accelerator that looped the whole damn moon on its equator. Forty eight years ago, a researcher hit the right island of stability when making ultra-heavy elements, and something just... came together. The exact right amount of mass was focused in the exact right amount of space to dent space time in a perfect little way. A few measurements later, they realized that they had created the smallest documented black hole.

My eyes again wandered to the space in between us and Jupiter. That was the other reason I came to this bar so often. It was also the only place around where you could watch the show.

After a few times generating and collapsing this infant of a black hole, some idiot of a scientist decided that they just had to throw something into it. It wasn't much of anything, just a probe that blasted a repeating live image from its camera in all directions. And hopefully, if it survived in any identifiable form, someone would pick up on it.

Well, someone did. A little over four years later, we got a picture of a star. Real helpful- there's only a couple septillion of those out there, right? But what mattered was the timing, and the direction. The star was eventually identified as Proxima Centauri. The moment the image from the probe had been received, the receiver was exactly 4.2465433 light years away from Proxima. And the image was received exactly 4.2465433 years after the probe was thrown into the hole. Meaning that the probe was at Proxima, exactly 4.2465433 years before the image was received. And it was thrown into the hole, on Callisto.... also exactly 4.2465433 years before the image was received. One moment, Callisto. One moment, Proxima Centauri. In some unit of time that was smaller than our ability to measure, it had traveled to the next star system. It was the textbook definition of a wormhole.

And with that discovery, well....

Jupiter's red spot quivered ever so slightly. They were right on schedule, it seemed. Just need to gain a bit of mass in the accelerator, get the magnetic railgun to throw it all into the space above it....

Like fluid down a drain, the image of Jupiter swirled as a dark spot appeared in front of it. Slowly, it grew, twisting the orange and red tones of the gas giant in mosaic patterns, until the black orb stopped, hovering in the emptiness.

After the initial wormhole generation all those years ago, it was found that by nudging the mass to be a little less, or a little more, or nudging to position of the superheavy object that created it, you could target distant parts of the universe. Soon, small spacecraft were being sent to distant stars. The scientists started it, of course. Shortly afterwards, the Callisto government began lobbying to make our little outpost the first official launch point for interstellar settlement.

That was forty years ago. And at this point, the five established settlements were fairly self sufficient- they just needed occasional contact and resupplies. Every week, a wormhole would be opened to one of the colonies. And every week, a freighter would be there to make the jump through, grab what supplies it needed, leave behind a new list of requests, and then disappear again until their specific colony was contacted again in another five weeks. And every week, I would be in this same bar to watch the fireworks.

My eyes narrowed as the perfect black circle reached its stable state. I watched these things every damn week. Part of me wants to say "blink and you'll miss it", but the truth is, at this point in the process, there's nothing to miss.

One moment, a featureless orb. The next moment, a deep space freighter. No flash. No gradual fade. No coming out of a tunnel. The hole was large enough for the entire mass of the ship to fit through at once, and the jump was seamless.

And to tell the truth... I didn't like it.

Humanity had reached and settled the furthest reaches of space, because of a magic substance that broke physics, stumbled upon by accident, in a random lab, by a some guy who was just trying to whip up a new element.

It was perfect. It was too perfect. And it bothered me.

And well, that's why I was here. I'd been visiting Callisto for years, and the pressure to make jumping more and more accessible to small spacecraft was insane. Pretty soon, everyone trying to engineer or maintain any kind of ship would need to have half of a quantum physics degree, and I wanted to be ahead of the curve. So when the launch point was made official, and they called for mechanics to service the ships that made the jumps to the colonies and back, I lept at the opportunity.

But the push was always for more applications, with little thought to the physics. More jumps, more colonies, more resupplies, more energy efficiency to increase the frequency at which it could be used. Some people were interested in the mechanics of the phenomena to exploit it further, sure, but most seemed to stonewall when you questioned too far. How the hell had this been missed? Why is everyone pushing for applications, and no one freaking out over how much this broke our understanding of the universe? Is it possible to measure the unit of time that the jump occurred in? Was it below detection limits? If it was, what did that mean?

And so, here I was. Sipping some herbal thing, staring at Jupiter, and thinking a little too hard about reality.

Eh, at least I could fix that last part.

"'scuse me bartender?" I asked. "Can I get another one of these, with an extra shot in it?"

He silently nodded, and poured me the synthetic gin mixed with... well, I didn't question it much. Anything to help keep these ideas in check.

The carbon fiber fingertips of my left hand gripped the glass with their usual calculated precision, while the skin of my right idly tapped the bar. I sighed.

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2024: #32

32. THE NETHERLANDS Joost Klein - "Europapa" 26th place (Disqualified)

Decade ranking: 120/153 [Above Ochman, below Andrew Lambrou]

Yeah, #NotForMe. Don't like the blue chicken, don't like the awful murine clickbait faces, don't like how he tried appropriating Käärijä's legacy for his own benefit. In fact, there's a lot I don't like about Joost Klein. Get used to it. Feelings are mixed but they are trending towards the NEGATIVE.

The face of a man I want to trap inside a garbage truck.

What is funny to me though, is that I certainly could have liked "Europapa" if the Dutch hadn't made certain decisions. I have to remain honest. My ranking, my rules, my lack of taste. It didn't work for me.

The song's not without merit though. It's a fun eurodance number at a glance. "Europapa" works best when you hear it live after a few drinks and blurt along with its lyrics. It's an EXCELLENT concert and streaming entry, whipping up a good time out of thin air with few pretences.

As a Eurovision entry though... eh. It tried to be a lot of other things: A tribute to his dead parents, an introspective unspooling of his mental health, a spoof, a meme, a middle finger to society, like all at once? It has that Subwoolfer-like quality of straight men in a mancave brainstorming on how what a Eurovision entry looks like: stupid nonsense. How does that work? The answer to that is "barely", and only if you take it at face value.

The song is not really about Joost dead's father and his world view. That ... I think... is deliberate false advertisement. It's not untrue, but presenting it as the sole truth is a deception. If you delve into the song, you'll find that it's a little bit more complex (and less wholesome) than that.

Verse 1 is about desperately running away from your problems (Joost naming all of the destinations, clawing at people for money, having lost everything but time) and verse 2 tackles validation, desperately craving it and yet not feeling sated. "Europapa" is a coping mechanism first and a song second. It's a deep dive into Joost's inner workings and his soul, but one that exposes him as insecure and vulnerable and putting up a front of irreverence as a mask to the outer world. As per the second verse:

"I'm running from myself, I'm crying out for help - I even give people loads of money and there's nobody who gives me aid [...] turn the radio on, I hear Stromae's "Papaoutai" I won't stop [feel satisfied] until they say "yeah, he [Joost] is doing well, eh?"

Now, this is actually... not a bad thing. It proves that "Europapa" is authentic and has surprising complexity and layers. That's what distinguishes it positively from Finland, which is hollow and cringe.

The problem with the emotions is that they clash with the rest of the song?

Fewer sentiments kill the party mood quite AS hard as one of "Are you feeling alright? 😨 Is everything OKAY?😨 should I call a therapist?" 😨". For me it defo kills the vibe. I don't want to END a fun party song with concern for the singer's wellbeing. The fact that Joost is cishet and therefore incapable of talking about his feelings and yet PUT THESE VERBALIZED EMOTIONS IN PLAIN VIEW IN HIS EUROVISION SONG is enough to set the alarm bells ringing.

Of course it could have worked if the live got it right, but um lol. Let's be honest here: The live was BAD. It was INTENDED to be So-Bad-It's-Good, sure, because that's the only way cishets know to do camp. I don't mind a spoof of a 2008 joke act. It just was... performed and staged so poorly it became the thing it intended to parody.

You sir, are NOT Käärijä.

The best parts of the entry (the emotional complexity and the hak break) are completely washed away by a combination of the awful clickbaity faces, TERRIBLE vocals (the post-chorus "EUROs" in literal Cookie Monster Voice are amongst the ugliest sounds anyone created for Eurovision), nightmare fuel visuals and that ghastly, ghastly outro.

Actually, about that outro. That is what made me turn against Joost. It's the WORST section of ANY song this year. It's the combination of whiplashing from extreme rapture into literal mourning at the drop of a pin (which is kind of... really icky human behaviour when you think about it) with pushing it down our throats by including it in the recap. Make The Guillible Cry With Cheap Emotional Manip, it's not a tool exclusive to Israelis.

And you CAN actually blame this intrusive display of emotional expoitation squarely on Joost because he's a known perfectionist and therefore must have planned the execution of the outro the moment he and his cronies decided to include it in the song.

It did tie the ending together alright. But because it wasn't a showing of personal growth, or strength or accomplishment, which it could have been, it did not align with the rest of the song. Instead it underlined that Joost hasn't moved on and is hopelessly stuck in the past, desperate for validation.

Instead of underlining the cheerful, fun aspect of Europapa it instead brought my attention the dark, emotionally disturbing bits as the last thought, and that ultimately is what killed it for me. The song is a cry for help, which is nothing to be cheerful about.

Aaaaand that's the opinion on the song and the live performance. But we're not done yet because I must address what came after that. 🙄

So, let's tackle the press conference first. Zero complaints about that. I was annoyed with Joost before due to how desperately he tried to push himself as "Käärijä's" successor and fabricated his own PR campaign on TikTok (DIE TikTok), but his behaviour at the PC made me do a complete 180 on him. Him shooting pure unfiltered truth pellets at the EBU and Eden with no regard for the consequences was fucking GLORIOUS. All the things he said needed to be said and were said without a filter. It was pure oxygen and precisely what we all needed to hear, spoken because of its TRUTH and not for clout.

Then, the disqualification. It was 'a valid DQ' purely from a rules perspective but come on now. This was not a DQ worthy incident. He didn't touch the woman and she deliberately, repeatedly refused to respect his privacy despite multiple warnings AND an agreement he made with the EBU. How has this even been reported as a 'crime'? He APOLOGIZED profusely to the lady in question and she refused to hear him and called the police on him. Sometimes you just have the misfortune of running into a Karen on a bad day. And given how riddled with tension this year's backstage was, every day of rehearsals was a bad day for everyone involved.

The DQ went through because the EBU can't fucking clear up the slightest inconvenience. By the time the police became involved, there was no turning back, and they were forced to DQ as per their bureaucracy. The rest is backpedaling.

Both of these things made me feel more sympathetic towards Joost as a person. At the end of the day he's a deeply troubled, complex, tragic figure who (barely) functions on copium and is really terrible at expressing his true feelings and the events surrounding his DQ check out with that. He needs support from those who love him (and enter therapy.) The other delegations taking his side (other than ofc KUN(ts)), is a wholesome signal and proves that Europe can be United By Music even when it is Divided By Politics first. If this disqualification is what leads to some much-needed overhauls for next year (ideally the sacking of Österdahl, the cancellation of the MorroccanOil sponsorship and KAN's expulsion, in any order), I will gladly accept Joost's role in that as the proverbial sacrifce that needed to be made.

Ironically, it was the disqualification that made me realize I shouldn't bump Joost higher out of sympathy for his personality. I didn't miss Europapa on Saturday and barely noticed its absence. The results in the Grand Final were great, specifically because Switzerland won and Croatia beat Israel in the televote. If Joost competes, Swizterland and Croatia's TVs go down in western Europe, while Israel is still top five (since she beat Joost in the semi). He also shoves Bambie out of their serendipitous 6/6/6 placements to boot.

That realization is why I need to eliminate him NOW and not later down the road. I don't care for the song as a Eurovision entry, I DISLIKE the live performance and his presence could have made the results worse for me. Easy elimination at this stage.

Those that care about "Europapa" can keep singing its praises and should. Joost will need and shall appreciate the support after this nightmare Eurovision.

Ultimately though, I am not of his fans.

THE RANKING

[fr-wiwiw]

I have no art to post— actually I do. It's my studies and sketches, sfw & nsfw, things like that. But I haven't been deliberately drawing something. Mainly I've just been focusing on sharpening my art skills to gain commissions as I'm a freelance human artist, in the midst of AI chaos, I'm trying my very best to keep up while not draining myself.

So I just want to give you some updates of my life, idk if this is important or not. I'm still a bit constipatedly (is this even a fucking word lol) awkward with communicating with my followers or advertising myself. Ironic, really, bcs I majored in design & advertisement.

Hi there, my lovelies—I hope you don't mind me calling you all that. I've been trying to do healthy habits and diligently fulfill my needs in 3 aspects. Mentally, spiritually and physically. For the past 7± years, I was not really in a great place mentally. I will not expose it in this post, don't worry it doesn't have anything to do with drugs or whatnot. Just that I've been constantly working and working, controlled by fear and my anxieties and I got depressed I think.

I didn't really understand how to actually 'heal' back then. But now I do now. Starting from January I've been trying to bounce back to have a healthy mindset again— trust me when I say I'm an overthinker & problem solver, it's such a nightmare to live in this body sometimes. Fellow overthinker, problem-solver & feeler type will relate to this perhaps hahah.. I'm a turbulence type too, fucking yay. Luckily, my prayers are answered. I can't write it down one by one here, you would be reading a 10k+ fanfiction and I'm sure you'd rather have me draw or write a real fanfic, smut would be preferable won't it? lol

I have many things change, become my better self (bcs I was, still am obsessed becoming better than my past self and I'm tired of living in such dark headspace). I do feel the changes, it helps that I have better friends, filtered out some that affects me negatively. This journey going into my 30s really is such a roller coaster, I never liked my 20s bcs of all the trauma and pain. But I wouldn't be able to reach this point if it wasn't for it.

So.. I'm grateful. Trying to always be grateful too, no matter how hard my circumstances are. I have faith that I will get what I've always envisioned and dream of

I'm also grateful that in 2022, a friend encouraged me to post my Gahan fanart. Now this may seem like biased and dedicated post for my Gahan moots & followers, in some way yes, I cannot deny that. But mostly this is too all of you, who come here and follow me bcs you like my arts & fanfics, supports me however you can despite having our own hardships that we may or may not share here. Your responses to my creations really feeds me and help me boost my confidence to keep drawing & keep creating, keep hoping. I always read your hashtags here, a lot of you are really such a hilarious individuals. I'm grateful my art can find you or you find my art and take delight in it. Because I do take delight in your reactions. In some ways, I never realized it, but you guys feel like penpals. It still feel one-way communication most of the time, idk if it's because of my awkwardness to respond to such responses. Feeling like, ah this too will pass or just bask in the reactions and sit then do nothing productive. I'm kinda scared I will be satisfied with one post and then not post anymore. You get it.. Yea you can probably tell by now I'm up in my head thinking too much. Posting that first Gahan fanart on twitter really was the best decision. It feels like I gained a special community, that's surprisingly still active and alive till this very day, I'm always waiting for new fics to drop gosh. I get to see tweets & tumblr posts that are deranged, detailed analysis, fan edits, those gifs, aus, fellow artists & authors! I get to know little bits of your daily lives too and what kind of person you are online haha, just so fun.

And then my freelancing journey.. My decision to become a freelancer has always been one of my dreams but boy oh boy isn't it fucking hard to start from 0 and exist in confusion haha. Money doesn't come easy too bcs I help feed my family along with my siblings. I've been swallowing all my jealousy seeing ppl my age can go out and watch concerts (even tho I don't like crowded & noisy places like that). Going on vacation, be in a romantic relationship, marry, so on and so forth. Idk if this is tmi posting my feelings like this out in the world, but it is what it is.

So.. TLDR:

Hi, I'm alive. I haven't post or updated much bcs I've been focusing on my well being. Honing my art skills, trying to get art commissions to put food on my table and simultaneously enjoying life as much as I could wisely. Thankyou to all of you who are still following me and keep supporting me, I will have to say, If you follow me for only Gahan posts, I have to disappoint you bcs I won't always post Gahan bcs I draw other things too. For my enjoyment, yours, others and mostly for me to gain market for commission too. This is norm, I'm sure most of you realized that too. But I still want to address things to you, I like interacting with all of you. I won't be surprised if one day you leave/unfollow, but let me be grateful to you while you're still here supporting me ^^

That's all for my update. I try my best to make this post as short but effective as possible so I don't bore you with my long ass writing, per usual lol. I cannot seem to write in shorts, I have accepted my faith lmao.

I wish you all well, wherever you are. I hope we can all be happy and well in this dark and uncertain place. Don't hesitate to give comments or drop questions here, I'm cooking my skills and art taste so I can give more to you and be satisfied with what I will achieve along with the progress.

See you in the next post!🌟

[adhd-creativity]

Sobriety Journal: Day 2

I have slipped in my sobriety journey the last month or two. I've not been weekend binge drinking (which is why I stopped before, I've never been a daily drinker) but I have been having 1-3 drinks in most social situations. I thought this might be my happiest state; just indulging a little every now and then. Leaving parties early! Still having time for myself!

But, nope. I feel possibly more miserable than I did when I was partying every weekend. I'm at work today and I feel sluggish and like everything is too much and upsetting me. My tummy feels bloated and my eyes look like angry little beads in my head. I literally can't wait to go home and lie in bed and do nothing. And this is all because of two drinks I had on Saturday night.

I think that while I was regularly binging, I was so hungover most of the time ( did you know it can take 10 days for alcohol to leave your system??) that this tired state became my normal. By the time I felt better it was time to go and out and party again.

Now I know. I know that my life can be such much better. I stopped completely for a few months and I was making art regularly, making shakey starts at writing, reading, doing yoga. I was also going on nights out. I actually think part of the reason I started drinking again was because I was feeling worried that I wasn't enjoying myself on (most) nights out....It wasn't even nervousness, it was boredom. I started poisoning myself for boredom!

If something is boring, if I find certain people boring, maybe I shouldn't be doing those things or talking to those people. The answer isn't to number myself out to enjoy it....especially as that only works for a bit before making me feel super sensitive and depressed.

Adhd and alcohol do not mix. I spent yesterday low key anxious and unhappy all day. I lay in bed for the whole sunny day and felt worried about wasting my life, felt exhausted for no reason, planned creative ideas but didn't even journal, got frozen and didn't eat or drink anything until I was hungry enough to get a takeaway. Then the takeaway gave me a stomach ache lol. Is that fun? Am I living my best life?

Even though I know this all makes sense, and I've read a load of books on sobriety, and no longer even really get pleasure from alcohol (I get about 10 minutes maybe before my mood drops)..... when it comes to a social situation and alcohol is offered/present, I take it. It's like whatever willpower or reason I have goes out the window. I don't even question myself- in fact I deliberately don't question myself.

Fuck alcohol. Fuck the social conditioning that surrounds it, the generational alcoholism I have been born into, the lack of education/ willful holding back of information from advertising and the government. Fuck fighting a battle against what is seen as normal and not harmful when it is anything but. My friends dad died of alcoholism yet she continues to drink heavily herself and sees no issue with it. My own mother argued with me that it was healthier for me to drink wine at Christmas instead of drink juice.

Anyway I have decided journal here about my sobriety- I thought about starting a separate blog but I feel that journalling is just another way for me to create and heal myself. I think my creativity, my adhd and my alcohol use are all linked to each other.

I know I can get back to the creative and happy place I was in just a couple of months ago. I just have to give up alcohol to have everything- instead of giving up everything for alcohol.

[shrimpmandan]

okay but you forgot the part where sometimes it's literally just a preference. i didn't even mention having trauma with men myself, i simply want to date women and i'm allowed to exclude men from my dating pool if i like. i'm happy being bisexual. i often express attraction to men. just because not dating them is an active decision doesn't mean i'm unhealthy.

Most of the "you"s in my response were general, not specifically towards you as a person since I do not know who you are. The point stands that "muh trauma" is a shitty reasoning, and that's not gonna fly here.

And again: I've stated several times that preferences are inoffensive and fine. I've gone back and forth on preferring women and men (the 'bi-cycle') before settling on the fact that I just don't care in the grand scheme of things. I'm not calling you a weirdo for preferring to date women, I'm calling you a weirdo for making that a fundamental aspect of your identity when the SPECIFIC label of 'febfem' is associated with radfems, and also when literally no other demographic except a small group of mostly radfem women use the term.

AGAIN again: my mom is bisexual, she only dates and has mostly only ever dated men. She's fairly exclusive in her preference for men, especially in long-term relationships. She doesn't call herself a fucking "mebfem". Literally nobody outside of the internet is gonna understand what the hell you mean by "febfem" as opposed to you just saying "oh yeah I'm bisexual but I basically only date women jsyk", where it's actually relevant to mention.

Again I have literally ONLY seen bisexual women who prefer women make up a wholeass fucking label to differentiate themselves from other bisexual women under the pretense that dating men is "betraying" the WLW community. This is literally because the word "febfem" originated among radfems, who are NOTORIOUSLY biphobic, so that bi radfems could advertise themselves as "one of the good ones" for not dating men. There is a wholeass context to the word that you're either just missing or deliberately ignoring, but I find that hard to believe when you've already mentioned the radfem association. Fucking URBAN DICTIONARY acknowledges the radfem origins on some level, by mentioning that febfem is often a political thing.

Wikitionary also acknowledges the term as having gender critical origins, and goes on the double whammy of saying that it's specifically CIS women that febfems dedicate their exclusivity to. Because it's a radfem term. Just say you prefer women jesus christ lmao. The reason variations of the terms have never caught on with other demographics is because every other demographic thinks it's redundant, and frankly even most bisexual women I've met don't want that radfem association around them at all even if they do mostly/exclusively date one or the other. I don't know why you're so attached to this term that has nothing but garbage origins when you could quite literally JUST SAY "sorry, I'm only looking for women for a long-term relationship right now" if someone asks.

I literally don't give a single shit who you decide to date on a personal level. Most bisexuals I've met had some sort of preference or just straight-up more familiarity with one sex over the other. That's not what I'm taking issue with no matter how hard you're trying to frame it that way. I'm taking issue with a radfem term with radfem associations that explicitly involves either "trauma :(" or "politics lmao" as primary reasons for not dating men as opposed to people just being normal and. Y'know. NOT using the radfem term with radfem origins, just a thought.

Take a shot every time I said "radfem."

[invisiblegarters]

The New Employee 5 & 6

Episode 5

Ah okay back to the crush days. I didn't really have crushes in college, but I remember when I did get them and I both loved and hated the feeling.

So he recognizes the pen because he was there when it was purchased. That makes sense. I knew it was Yu Seong's because ~drama, but I have to admit I was curious about how Seung Hyun knew it.

Also, my dude. It's been literal years. Might be time to stop pining over your old crush.

Aw, Jong Chan is sweet. And the poor guy has no idea what the hell happened. YOU ARE 28 WHOLE YEARS OLD, SEUNG HYUN. Open your damn mouth.

Ji Yeon remains the best. I love her and I wish I had a bestie just like her.

I do love a good workplace romance but I also see the inherent issues in dating your boss. I am having the same problem with Mon and Sam in GAP. I like the trope, but also that's your money and your livelihood, people, do try to keep the love life out of the workplace. But then I also really like workplace shenanigans…

I waffle, is what I'm saying.

"You know how small our dating pool is" - ain't that the truth. And I don't think that it's bad that he and Yu Seong are still friends, in fact I think that it's a good thing. Especially since I get zero vibes of longing from either of them. I mean, they were only in a few scenes together, but from what I recall it almost seemed like Yu Seong was prodding Jong Chan in Seung Hyun's direction. Like a good friend and senior.

In a way, I think that it would have been better had the two of them dated. Since Seung Hyun never got to have that relationship he built it up in his head, made it a wall that blocks out any real thing that he might have been able to experience. And I don't blame Jong Chan for being frustrated, either. Also he has a cat and as a cat person myself, I can't have beef with a man who cuddles a kitty and uses it as an emotional sounding board for his feelings about his intern.

The cat text struggles are real, people.

Oh yeah Team Leader Choi is gonna be a problem.

I must say I do like all the pining this episode, but I'm glad everything got resolved in the same one instead of dragging out. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some drama, but it's also nice to see an adult relationship where they actually behave like adults and talk things out. 

Episode 6

They are so cute. And I love a good height difference. Of course, nothing beats Semantic Error for that.

Aw, the way Seung Hyun says "hyung" is so adorable. The quiet little voice.

"Do you want to see my cat?" I love that this isn’t actually a euphemism. I have to admit that would get me, too.

Interesting that Jong Chan decided against journalism because he didn't want to do the networking and brown noising required to succeed. I mean, he's gotten by without doing it in advertising, but I think that all this workplace tension means that that's not going to last. People are already back biting at him, and at Seung Hyun for being kind of taken under his wing. One of them is going to suffer for Jong Chan's approach to work, and let's be real, the intern is easier to get at.

I like how much Jong Chan believes in him, though. It's sweet.

I really like how much Seung Hyun's whole team supports his efforts to get a permanent position in the company. They all root for him. As they should.

But he didn't get it, did he? I wonder if that is what the phone call that Jong Chan received was about.

Still feel like it will turn out to be deliberate sabotage. Manager Choi is my first guess, because he's a jerk, he's clearly jealous of Jong Chan, and he's noted the way that Jong Chan supports Seung Hyun. And as I already said, getting at the intern and ruining his chances is a lot easier than trying to go after Jong Chan directly, especially when he's so good at his job that the higher ups will do anything to keep him around.

I have to give it to this show, they manage to pack in a lot into a small time frame. The progression of the relationship doesn't seem forced at all, and both of the actors are really doing a good job conveying that they really like each other. They're also managing to get in enough conversation about important things that I can really see how they work as a couple. I've seen shows with much longer run times that don't manage it half as well. 

[sargentgeorge]

Original Project

My aims for this project over the Christmas break is to familiarise myself with music distribution and promotion , I intend to release a song onto streaming platforms and promote a pre-existing song through advertising.

I wish to get more comfortable with advertising and distributing my music whilst attempting to accurately cast a net to people who might actually listen to the song, as well as understanding my audience analytics.

To do this me and a contemporary will be releasing an advert on Instagram for a song we released last year called ‘Drilly Xmas’.

We looked at the analytics of our demographics as Instagram asks you who to advertise to. This ensures your advertisement can be as successful as possible.

Spotify for artists is a very useful tool as it gives you this information freely and the predominant demographic was UK men between 18-27.

With this knowledge we made the ad which was a snippet of the pre-existing YouTube video and we both paid 15 pounds to promote it over the Christmas period. You can get very forensic with advertising by tailoring the ‘behaviours and habits’ of people who use the app. The same data Instagram uses in its algorithm to show users content they like to consume however we just set the age range and went to all audiences.

This is the ad !

The ad was also linked to the YouTube video and Spotify and was clearly quite successful, before the ad the YouTube video had less than 1k views and now is close to 4K.

The song also gained more then double it’s original streams so I believe this advert was very successful in drawing eyes to ‘Drilly xmas’ and I feel much more confident with future promotion of my music. In this part of the project I’ve gained a more solid understanding of accurately using advertising as a tool to draw attention to my music.

I also feel comfortable in saying this part of the project achieved what I wanted both in learning the skill set and the final outcome as it has gained more attention than anything I’ve done prior.

For the second half of my project I would also like to become much more confident in my understanding of distributing music onto Streaming services, as well as understanding which service is best when it comes to releases.  Before this I have never released a single only ever featuring my work on other artists music so I have never had to distribute anything myself. What I hope to achieve before the end of 2022, is to have a song out on streaming platforms.

I will be putting out a single called ‘The bower’ which has been completed during my time at uni. I have also researched third party distributors to get my song into the platforms and the two I am deciding between is. CD baby and Distrokid. Both offer unique advantages primarily in terms of cost.

CD baby offers a flat fee to release music and then it’s out permanently wheras Distrokid is an annual expense that you can use to release as much music as you would like but if ever you want to cancel you would have to pay extra to keep you music on streaming platforms.

After some deliberation I’ve decided to go with Distrokid as they allow you to upload music in 24bit depth as opposed to CD baby’s 16.

I released ‘The bower’ onto streaming platforms and have an account on Distrokid that I intend to use throughout the year.

As I was so focused on releasing the music I did not promote this release nearly as much as ‘Drilly xmas’ but I believe this has served as a benefit as it has also brought my attention to how important promotion is.

As of 16/1/2022 ‘The bower’ sits on 152 streams which is considerably less than the near 3,000 views the ‘Drilly xmas’ gained over the time period. So this project has also shown me that advertisement really works when it comes to releasing music. As the more people that get shown the music more people will interact with it.

So to summarise at the start of this project I wanted to release a song onto Spotify and to advertise a pre existing track for the holidays, in doing so it has given me the tools to continue doing so in future. It has also given me insight in how successful advertising can be if utilised correctly.

I feel much more prepared to advertise my music again and have lined up more songs to be released through Distrokid as the year goes on.

[enki2]

The term for this is "the digital divide", but it's way more complicated than this tbh, because software quality in general is so bad.

The DMV website *should* work like the homework website, but it doesn't, because both of them were farmed out to the lowest bidder who promised to follow "best practices" and the accepted "best practices" are based on maximizing engagement to maximize profits, something that neither the DMV website nor the homework website should or need to do. Since these practices do not directly apply, they need to be selectively bent, which produces software that's unpredictable and hard to understand, even if this software was written by people who were motivated to do a good job.

On top of all that, this kind of municipal software (the only kind of software that people are *required* to interact with, and so, the only kind of software that people who have no interest in ever using a computer have experience with) is selected and purchased by people who are not the actual end users & do not have the experiences of the end users. If you are selecting software for a group (say, you are in management at a supermarket chain and need to buy a license for a point of sale system for the cashiers to use, or you are a government bureaucrat choosing food stamp website software), you *can* get actual users to test your stuff and give feedback, if you care and you have the resources and you can figure out how to get the users to give meaningful and accurate feedback. But in practice, there's a huge class thing going on: not only are the people making the decisions not part of the group they're making decisions on behalf of, but they are totally isolated from the needs of those people and aren't equipped or motivated to understand.

The result is that often, this software simply *doesn't work* or *works intermittently*. If you're of middling technical proficiency, you know just enough to push through the annoying malfunctions, and you lose a few hours getting the doctor's appointment or whatever; if you're of lower technical proficiency, you can't figure out how to get the thing done (or it takes much longer); if you're of higher technical proficiency, you are so aware of the ways things could have been done better that the whole experience is way more demotivating and you're liable to give up like the lower technical proficiency crowd. (I am an example of the latter category. I am a professional software engineer, and I stopped going to the doctor for 10 years because using the employee health insurance portal feels like forcing myself to eat a cold mcdonalds hamburger after I just watched an obviously-ill person deliberately spit on it while making direct eye contact the whole time.)

We can make software that's actually good. Almost nobody does, and almost nobody knows how, because the rules you learn in school and the rules enforced by your manager and the rules that are publicized by famous software development and UI/UX influencers are wrong (or at least, put "good software that people can use to perform tasks" far below other concerns like "have more pictures than words" or "keep people on the website as long as possible" or "waste screen space" or "have a branded color scheme" or "extract information about users to be sold to advertisers").

I don't think it's talked about enough how truly buck wild our level/speed of communication is. We didn't have this 100 years ago! And even then it's only been in the last 20-30 we really embraced technology and our global stage.

Our communities are still experiencing huge upheavals around this and we don't acknowledge it because of all the benefits being wired in brings. You can find jobs and resources and entertainment, sure, but you also have to have accounts here, here and here to access healthcare or a rent portal or TV.

On one end we have an elderly class that is overwhelmed. They learned complex systems already! Taxes, licensing, registration. They know where the offices are - right down the street. Why the change? "Because this site simplifies it." Does it? Does it really? Is it really more simple when someone has to have reliable access to a computer, the wherewithal to make/check an email, and the ability to navigate ten different sites to access the one they want? Why can't they go meet their doctor in person when that's the way it's been since they were children? Why did they learn to make eye contact and shake hands if not for this?

On the other, we have a younger generation that has been tasked with absorbing a huge amount of information since day one. Their brains have to work differently because the tools given to them are different than the ones older generations received. Of course they can find a primary care physician. The site operates like the one they were forced to learn in high school to turn in assignments! And why should they know how to do taxes or balance a checkbook? They were tasked with learning how to navigate the internet - they know where the information is. In a sea of "right now" demands and "this shouldn't take long because you can Google it" assignments, they have to be selective in what takes their attention.

We are currently between a time of "trust the process" and "immediately." So many people feel unheard or ignored because of this. The elderly feel isolated, helpless, and stonewalled. The youth feel anxious, mocked, and bullied.

The world changed and it happened invisibly.

[randomclam24]

My positivism (and it's not positivity, because that's a resting state) forsakes that there *is* a society If I just ramble things off the top of my brain, it is humiliating update - I found whole Milk at aldi Update - You just have to remember, when things being remembered in life from when we had emotion give us feelings, these equivalents in the real world, even Toy Story, have theoretical meaning

I don't see - why don't people have meaning in the real world - theoretically that should have been cut off - they were just - it's too late

Update - I'm tired of thinking it isn't People who get a day job get thrown to the wayside "Band on the Run" was written about blackmail

and that goes for just about any song - Common Filth says children were originally born for a household purpose - that *is* [the case (here) If you're under blackmail, they care

The hornets event is coming back If you make a decision against the jew, technically you are under blackmail - I just have to smuggle a bit further after bro falling off - I just have to forget it The second you touch drugs, which is Synthcool saying Persona, parallel to Synthcool timing "military" - these are synchronous[alright he's cutting off in his video communal-realizing consensus They're looking for Alright, where the military - shut up Alright - if I cry for *help* - they *are* - they're - I'm their I know Aliester Crowley's rewrite of the Satanist agenda, look for your inner love, then what thou wilt, do, is the reason for the cutoff, not *noT GETTING IN TRWUBBLEEeee!!! BOO MOMNMY This is trail crumbs for then

Update - Didn't take too long!

example footage

I say "that's politics, that's not what we're talking about" ("if only things could In reality, the meme "everything has to be political"(and it does For the slow, political means the opposite on my rail Politico! Puh

In my life, what thou wilt, do, means adults plop you down, *hold

Update so, like, childhood fischer price o algo https://duckduckgo.com/?q=fischer+price+great+adventures+pirate+ship+dragon&t=ffab&iax=videos&ia=videos&iai=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DmAREaLU9E5w so youtube won't advertise (on account of the annoying, someone gets mad and shoves an infinite number of pens in your eyes

upDate

there's something infinitely funny about someone saying oh i'm a jartycuck

Update - just the childhood memory makes me think the parrot is edible Oh yeah and the penguins say stinky cheese until their butt turns red For some reason, I thought coins and such-shaped jewels especially for pool toys would be better eaten Update - I'm serious about reviewing it For whatever reason it is, top-budget movie adaptations - okay so I'm being very untrue to myself - my mind is cursing This on the other hand has a good color palette - I had to cut mine self off

You just admitted to teh greatse evil. Not even Hitler

We trannies keep our selves.

Update - >Look at these photos of white class domestic America <You'll find yourself there FUCK NO YOU WON'T Update - The facefagging when you realize that the "STFU" song was about coming off way too white like this game meanwhile two gay non-chromosonmes

Well no It's just that this kind of white-talking from white games from 1999 cover over war crimes

Update - Really, though, the vibe of these fixed-camera scenes was used for horror as well, just not deliberately There's an uncanniness to the use of scenes, such as where the wrong sound is playing, it can kind of say "this we would never

This is now a war on the factions of Charles Manson versus the Saturday Night Live pressing crew for dignifying their asdfasdfasdf Blackmail, being represented as the mob culture for when you' George Bush's statement about how if the American people knew what we have done, they would hunt us down in the street and lynch us, is the finalizer - there aren't any people who would rape the world establishment that aren't white Cancel culture is that blackmail be the will[I'm - it cut off - down to this root, then my identity is handle? I'm a handler - Bingo - say it - I'm a handler

Update - Your parent or something tells you to stop - 26:42 or something - now this is a game changer Update - Since the sharty is as defeated as one who has been sentenced to hell which doesn't exist . I'm going to sacrilege their arguments since they're plastic disposable trash Keyed things: feeding the parrot an infinite number of crackers

Update - How to understand the "incomprehensible" of "sociopaths" in uh, marketing Nobody gets the "you fall out of society enough, it wraps around and becomes a good thing" Having acknowledged the barriers that define a crisis to pleboids which don't exist in the literal reality, you treat the onset to these as barriers while in fast motion which to them doesn't exist

So yeah, if you're onset, you don't have any nation to which you can go Update - I'm not dead [] Update - All the videos don't include the stinky cheese drop I'm looking at the versions. When I get the eww stinky cheese drop, everyone has to say up

Update - When even the .dir files can't be run for sample

">There's literally nothing I can think of that's more cringe than some genetic dead end socially outcasted low status loser trying to "self improve" to fit into society. It's like they're so far off the mark I don't even know where to begin with them. >The average person, and even the above average, just exist and the things that you consider "normal" just happen to them. No high schooler ever had to go out of his way to get a girlfriend, he just existed, thought it would be cool and fun to play sports, and a girl was attracted to him and they gravitated towards each other. There's no thought out into any of this, these things just happened through the natural flow of life, no "self improvement" necessary. That's what happens when you're not a genetic dead end mentally ill freak, you don't ever find yourself one night lying in bed alone wondering why you don't have a single friend or you've never kissed a girl at 23 years old. You don't devise a plan to stop touching your cock for six months in order to look a girl in the eye. You just exist, you go with the societal flow, and you end up with a wife, a nice job. a house, and some kids. If you missed out on this flow, it's probably because you're complete genetic raisin. >>wordswordswords didnt r-ACK" Update Well I did find it It was more lackluster than I thought The backstory is, I thought there was an underground cave in which all the penguins were hiding

Weirdly enough, all my media players just show a black screen The legend is called FLING3.MOV

Update! I'm finally out of having to put money down for this even though I'm out

[stars-and-the-sublime]

10 Things that Don't Suck

This is an exercise that I've used a lot when in the miserable throes of depression and anxiety to give myself a little bit of a foothold to stop from going fully over the edge, but it works equally well as a general grounding exercise, something to help combat mild to moderate stress, and a chance to deliberately practice forming positive associations in your brain to things that make you happy. I've found that for me it works best outside, but if that's not an option available to you, you can try it inside, too. If you're able, doing this exercise while sitting by an open window, in a quiet spot in the sun, or while taking a little walk around the block is great.

Here's how it goes: sit up, step outside, or start to walk, as you are able. Focus on your senses. Look around, listen to what noises you can hear, pay attention to how your body feels and what you are touching with your skin. You may want to take a couple of deep, slow breaths at this time, or do something else to help you get to a place that is calm and present. You can focus on one sense at a time or bounce between them as different things come to your awareness. Do whatever is comfortable for you.

While you're paying attention to your surroundings like this, try to find ten things in your immediate environment that don't suck. This could be an observation of how warm the sunlight feels, it could be noticing a piece of birch bark on the ground, it could be appreciating the way that the frost glitters in your window. Bonus points if you find at least one thing that sparks genuine happiness somewhere inside of you, but if you're not finding that, neutrality is just fine. For each thing you find, spend a moment observing it, noticing what it looks like or sounds like or how it smells, what you like about it and how it makes you feel. Keep count of each thing in your head or out loud or on your fingers, whatever is easiest for you.

If you can't find ten things, five is a good place to start. If you can't find five things one is a good place to start. Oftentimes, by the time I get to ten, I've gotten into the groove of the game and continue to notice new not-sucky things around me. If that's the case, you can absolutely challenge yourself to hit fifteen or twenty. If not, you can stop.

For example, here’s my list from my lunch break today:

Fresh air on my face

Sunlight on my skin

New buds on a nearby tree

A butterfly that landed on the grass a couple feet from me

Fresh spinach in my sandwich

White flowers on a nearby bush

A white bird soaring overhead

The vividly blue sky

Dappled shadows on the street

A person walking past with a really fluffy dog

It doesn't have to be anything big or super impactful. You don't have to feel any particular way about what you find, only to notice.

I’ve found this helpful for me, because popularly advertised exercises like gratitude journaling really tend to hit me in the guilt and the religious trauma, and this does a lot of the same work of helping you ground yourself in the moment and practice training your brain to hold on to positive memories alongside the bad, without dismissing the bad things or necessarily attributing the good to a higher power.

As always, ymmv, and feel free to adjust or discard my advice as needed. The important thing is finding a practice that works for you.

[amjustagirl]

Hogwarts AU (Haikyuu!)

feat. Tsukkishima Kei 

requested for by @animestheticz (hope you enjoy it bb!) 

Previously:

Miya Atsumu. Miya Osamu. Kita Shinsuke. Kuroo Tetsuro.

Masterlist link here

Warnings: Tooth-rotting fluff

Wordcount: 2k

Genre / Pairings: Fluff, Hogwarts AU, Tsukkishima / Reader

A/N: Any other characters you’d like to see? Send me an ask! 

(happy to do any characters other than Kenma / Hinata / Tendo - I don’t trust myself to do them justice!)

Oh and this is just shameless advertisement for my other fic - but I’m also writing a multi chapter fic based off Your Name / Kimi No Nawa featuring Akaashi Keiji (i.e. a bodyswap AU featuring our favourite Tokyo pretty boy). Check it out here!

——————————————————————

“P-please? Just this once?’ Yachi begs, fingers gripping your sleeve like a vice. 

You’re sorely tempted to refuse her ridiculous request, but you can’t bring yourself to. This is Yachi Hitoka, your best friend, though currently she’s a nervous wreck fretting over her first date with Yamaguchi Tadashi. The sweet, freckled Hufflepuff chaser has finally worked up the courage to act on his painfully obvious crush on Yachi - both veritable balls of sunshine, so sweet and anxious and caring that you can’t imagine a better match. 

So you don’t understand why on earth you’re being asked to tag along on a double date with one Tsukkishima Kei. 

It’s not that you dislike the guy – far from it. You’ve had a crush on him yourself ever since Yachi started hanging around Yamaguchi in your third year, sucking you and Tsukkishima have been sucked into their orbit, reluctant moons revolving around twin suns. But you’ve tucked it away since Tsukkishima doesn’t seem to have an interest in anyone at all – in fact, half the time his snarky replies and cold silences make you think he barely tolerates Yamaguchi as a friend, let alone yourself. 

Still, refusing Yachi is tantamount to kicking an injured puppy, so you swallow your reservations and agree. 

‘Thank you!’ Yachi cheers. ‘We’ll have fun, I promise!’ 

-----------------------------------------

It’s summer, and your blouse is sticking to your back as you dash through Diagon Alley. Tsukkishima and Yamaguchi are already waiting in front of Flourish & Botts, the former barely even granting you a nod, though he does give you the courtesy of removing his headphones, while Yamaguchi bounces on the balls of his feet to greet you cheerfully. 

‘Woah there Yamaguchi – keep your enthusiasm for your date’, you joke, and he grins back at you.  And he does – stuttering and blushing as Yachi arrives. Yachi herself is no better – you swear you can hear her teeth chatter as she greets all of you, though she beams when Yamaguchi presents her with a small posy of flowers with clammy hands. 

‘They’re cute’, you remark to Tsukkishima as you walk beside him on the way to the first stop -  Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour. 

‘Mm’, he responds, his face blank. 

You know he doesn’t suffer fools – worse still, talkative ones, so you fall silent until you reach the ice cream store. To your surprise, he pulls the chair out for you, and accepts your offer to share a cup of ice cream with you, a tilt to his lips when you automatically order a strawberry shortcake sundae – it’s his favourite after all. 

Yachi and Yamaguchi seem to have gotten over their initial shyness, chatting up a storm in their own little world. You’re excluded, as you expected, but you’re glad for their sakes. 

‘Excited about the last year of school?’ 

You glance up from your melting sundae, surprised that Tsukkishima is the first to break and initiate a conversation. From your interactions with him, he’s deliberate and methodical in his thoughts and words, so you take a few beats to formulate a response. 

‘Yes and no, really’, you answer honestly. 

He raises a thin blonde eyebrow, wordlessly beckoning you to elaborate. 

‘I’m excited for our classes, the syllabus seems really interesting this year’, you say, wincing at how desperately nerdy you sound – but you’re a hopeless Ravenclaw, and advanced Arithmancy and Astronomy excites you. ‘But it’s scary isn’t it – knowing that it’s our last year, and having to make all those important decisions that are going to affect us, years down the road?’ 

He hums thoughtfully. ‘I get that’, he responds, hands steepled under his chin. ‘I’m deciding between doing further studies in magical history and going pro – just for a few more years. But I know no matter what decision I end up making, I’ll probably end up second guessing myself’. 

‘Why can’t you do both?’ you find yourself saying before you can stop yourself. His brow furrows a notch. ‘You’re great at both, and I can’t see why you can’t as long as you put your mind to it’. 

You cringe at your cheesiness, expecting him to snark at you for your Hufflepuff-like optimism the way he does with Yamaguchi, but you’re surprised once again when he mutters a quiet ‘thanks’, a flush high in his cheeks, and then asks -  ‘And what about you?’ 

You wonder if he’s merely being polite, but his tone is serious, and his eyes are intently focused on you, so you tell him about your plans of taking on further studies in Arithmancy, perhaps even enroll in a Muggle university to study Mathematics for a semester or two, before working in Gringotts. The goblins may be archaic in their beliefs about the magical world, but their application of mathematics is extremely advanced. 

‘It suits you’, he comments. You want to ask him what he means by that, but Yachi pipes up from across the table.  

‘If you’re done with your ice cream, do you guys want to check out the magical menagerie? Yamaguchi’s going to get a cat!’ 

Before you can agree, Tsukkishima tells Yachi and Yamaguchi to go on ahead, drolly reminding them that they’re on a date, and they should go spend some quality time together. So they head off with wide smiles, shoulders bumping. They’re so sweet together it almost makes your teeth ache. Well, at least you’ve been dismissed as their reluctant chaperone, and you’re about to wish Tsukkishima a polite farewell when he taps your shoulder. 

‘Let’s go check out Flourish & Botts. I’m sure you have books you want to check out’. 

You blink – because you do, but you don’t expect Tsukkishima to accompany you, let alone be the one seeking out your company. He doesn’t even wait for your assent before he sets off, and you have to jog to keep up with the pace his long legs set. Thankfully, he notices you’re still lagging behind and slows down, though he teases dryly – ‘you know, at the rate you’re walking, I’m not sure we’ll get there before sundown’. 

You pointedly look up at the sun, still high in the sky, before levelling an unimpressed glare at him. He only smirks in response – and you’re so flustered by how attractive his expression is that you nearly trip over the threshold to Flourish & Botts. He catches you with a steady hand to your elbow – and now your heart is fluttering – is this how Yachi is like all the time? If so, you should really cut her some slack – the thoughts crowding your mind so distracting that you hardly hear Tsukkishima call your name in concern until he shakes your shoulder gently. 

‘Are you alright?’ Tsukkishima repeats, with a frown. 

‘Y-yes’, you reply, cursing your traitorous heart again. He doesn’t look like he believes you, insistently pushing you towards an empty couch. 

He clicks his tongue. ‘Don’t move’ he orders, before he disappears, probably to get the books he has his eyes on.  

You sink into the cushions, resisting the urge to bury your face in your hands in embarrassment. An hour spent in his presence and you’ve already turned back into a lovesick fool. You’ve told yourself countless times to just get over your silly crush on him already because it’s not going to do you any good. 

Yamaguchi’s complained to you and Yachi countless times about girls asking him if Tsukkishima is single, but you don’t see him taking an interest in anyone at all – spending all his time instead in the library and on the Quidditch pitch. 

He’s the stone faced beater from Ravenclaw. People wonder sometimes if ice flows in his veins – but they don’t see the determined set of his jaw when he’s ploughing through homework and assignments because he knows he’s going to have to spend the whole day in training the next day, the glint of satisfaction in his eyes whenever he wins a match or scores a good grade, the patience he expends tutoring Yamaguchi (along with Hinata and Kageyama) in Ancient Runes – 

Oh Merlin. You’re a hopeless case. 

 You jump when he returns and drops into a seat beside you. 

‘Oi, what’s wrong with you’, he mutters a tad scornfully, though he drops the book you were eyeing onto your lap. 

‘N-nothing. T-thanks!’ you answer, internally cursing yourself for even picking up Yachi’s speech patterns. 

Get it together. You’re not a fool. 

He hums, browsing his own book. 

It’s pleasant spending an afternoon in a nook reading books. It’s not so pleasant when your heart palpitates every single time his knee grazes yours - and if you shift just a tiny bit to the left you’re pressing against his side and - oh 

‘Are you sure you’re ok?’ he asks, frowning again, when he notices you’ve been reading the same page for the past fifteen minutes. 

‘F-fine’, you stammer, warmth flooding your cheeks when he leans his face dangerously close to yours, bringing his palm to brush against your forehead. 

‘Your temperature’s fine’, he mutters, but he doesn’t pull away – and oh gosh, you’re so close you can count every single lash on his eyes, your traitorous heart causing you to drown in the quiet concern in his eyes – and oh - 

You’re not quite sure who makes the first move because your eyes flutter close, your nose bumps against his and you feel his chapped lips against yours for a split second before he pulls away. 

You open your eyes. 

Did that truly happen? 

Judging from the blank expression on his face, the past few seconds were probably just a fever dream. But there are signs that cool, quiet Tsukkishima isn’t his usual self - a flush creeping up the back of his neck, his fingers gripping the pages of the book so tightly it starts to crinkle.  

‘What was that?’ you blurt out, confused. 

‘What was what?’ Though his voice remains calm and collected, his flush has traveled all the way to the very tips of his ears. 

‘Nothing’, you answer, dropping your eyes back to the open book on your lap, your mind in a whirl. Surely you didn’t imagine that, right? Did you just - did he just - wait, you’re confused again, what’s going on? 

Your thoughts are interrupted by elegant, long fingers slotting between your own. ‘Silly’ he mutters, but there’s a fond twist to his lips and a softness in his eyes that you’ve never seen before. 

‘I’m pretty sure I’m not the only silly one here’, you respond, in a sudden swell of confidence, though your pulse is sending tremors down your spine, your breath catching in your throat. ‘I’m pretty sure you’re the silly one too’. You curl your fingers over his and lean into his side. 

He hums diffidently. ‘I guess it might seem that way’. 

You both share a shy smile. 

-----------------------------------------

Yachi is smug when you confess to her later that Tsukkishima - no - Kei asked you out as he walked you home that evening. 

‘I told you that we’d have fun!’, she says, grinning cheek to cheek. Then she starts rambling on and on about future double dates with her and Yamaguchi in Madame Puddifoots, where you can share couple sundaes and steaming mugs of hot chocolate - wouldn’t that be wonderful? 

You resist the urge to tell her that Kei has sworn off any future double dates - let alone at the white and pink lace bedazzled monstrosity of a cafe, and his suggestion of a quiet afternoon spent at his favourite bookshop cafe sounds far more inviting to you. 

You’ll let Yamaguchi break the news to her later, on a more appropriate date.  

Instead you just smile to yourself, thinking of the quiet affection in his voice as he wished you farewell, and the suppressed delight in his eyes when you called his name just as he was about to turn away and surprised him by pulling him down to you and pressing your lips to his cheek. 

Yachi’s right. You did have fun after all. 

[chisheya]

hanahaki disease [niragi x reader x chishiya] highschool au!

Summary: love is reckoned to make us powerful; not susceptible - as much as i tried to convince myself that. as much as i tried to stay strong; tough and heroic, enough to risk it all and let my emotions surge on the exterior. strong enough to be crushed yet again, to love and be loved again - knowing my fragility. 

 i’ve known the agony and lament sufficiently enough that it demolished my sanity, left my soul burning away, gradually fading into ashes and disappearing like dust under the moonlight’s breeze. and the funny unfunny part is - i wish i had told him, perhaps one day i will. 

‘‘I have loved you since I first laid eyes on you. My love bloomed like a flower in my chest.’‘

Tag list: (if you want to be tagged, let me know because the previous post got deleted for some weird reason lol)

Word count: 2.5k

The sun's soft twinkles crawl over house rooftops, and in an early hour, despite it, it still felt like a chilly morning. Early as it is, the neighborhood was caught up with parents rushing with their children, some going to work, some even rushing late. Thankfully, the riots of youngsters were vetoed by the sound of Supermassive Black Hole by Muse playing through my earphones. I was deliberately walking down the alley on my way to school, gripping the hem of my uniform and cursing to myself that this skirt was of no use to at least keep my legs warm. 

The reckless gust reaching from my left side provoked me to jump out of my skin, revolting me from my daydream. 

‘’God's sake-’’ I turn my head only to see Chishiya standing next to me, with a smirk on his lips. The sudden view of him caused me to blush, as my brain screamed oh-look-your-crush. Although you could rarely see this guy smiling and being friendly, his agenda was incompatible. Clever, crucial, and cunning as he is, he always had a special place in my heart. Why, you ask? I'd love to know that too... Maybe because he has been my friend since forever. 

''You must be that cold, huh,'' Chishiya says sarcastically. ''Y-yeah.'' I murmur, ''anyway, again one of early practicals at the hospital today?'' ''Correct.''

''Yikes,'' I add, clicking my tongue, ''good luck.''

''Have you decided if you'll stay here in Tokyo?'' Chishiya pops a question, clearing his throat, as his face remains immersed on the boulevard in front of us. ''Huh, what do you mean?'' I add, looking up at him, wishing he'd look back at me. But he never does... 

''For university.'' ''Oh, that,'' is all I say, before taking the next few seconds to think what to proceed with, ''yeah, Tokyo - I guess, still not sure yet.''

''It better be Tokyo or I'm disowning you.'' He says in a stern voice, delivering it with a smirk as he quickly runs his hand through my hair, resulting in becoming a mess.

''Hey!'' I chuckle, about to return the favor but he succeeded to grab my wrist and stop me just on time. Shucks.

Chishiya and I have been friends since childhood, as our dads have been friends since their early school days as well. He's in his third year in med school and I'm about to graduate in less than a month and enter university in few months. Not to mention, living close enough in the same neighborhood visiting Shuntaro's family every Sunday for dinner was a ritual that my dad, Aguni, and I couldn't stop doing. My mother has had enough of Tokyo so she decided to leave for England. Yeah, pretty simple...it has only been dad and me since. Not like I regret staying with dad, and if there was the father that would win The Dad of the Year award, it would be him. Playing cards meanwhile drinking wine was a post-dinner ritual for our dads, later through time, Chishiya joining them as well. In most cases, I'd end up just observing how they play and anticipating who's going to win. From Aguni being the best to, Shuntaro's dad, a few years later as Chishiya evolved enough his cunning games he beat them in it. He became a card game master, no jokes. 

I didn't notice it has come for the time for us to go different paths, as my school was in the complete opposite direction.

''So,'' I murmur, stopping and turning to face him, ''I guess time to say goodbye.''

''Good luck, kid.'' He says, giving me a soft smile. Ah, if he only knew how something so insignificant and minor to him has such a consequence on my heart. But he never will though. As I know, what we are and what we are not. 

I just smiled as I watch him turn his back on me and leave first. He always leaves first. I stayed few more seconds as his figure slowly fades of to distance I get ready to go my way.

                                                        ⋞ 〈 ⏣ 〉 ⋟ 

 After the last class, I choose to go to a nearby library to catch up on some assignments. The library is a soft of the enormous coffee shop yet one can stay all day and feel good even if one buys nothing at all. That's the discrepancy. It is a place of welcome for everyone rather than for "customers." This is not a money-nexus venue yet a love-nexus space, and that makes it a real treasure in this city.

I was relinquished and dazzled by the book in front of me, until the moment someone’s voice yanks me out of my thoughts.

''Since classes are over, want to grab lunch?'' I feel a hand placing softly on my left shoulder as a soft boyish voice peaks behind me.

''Niragi,'' my lips stretch in a smile as I embrace my best friend in a hug, ''of course, you mind if Chishiya tags along as well?''

''Oh,'' he mouths, providing it with a vague look, as I feel him stiffen up a bit and breaking the hug before proceeding, ''Chishiya..too?'' 

''Yeah!'' 

''Sure,'' he says, providing it with a soft smile, ''definitely..'' 

''Great, I'll let him know then.'' 

                                                        ⋞ 〈 ⏣ 〉 ⋟ 

Niragi and I walked after school side by side, on the way to Shibuya where we agreed to meet up with Chishiya. As we have arrived early, we stand by a big poster advertisement. I gently lean my back onto it, facing the industrious avenues of Shibuya wandering with people. Niragi, leaning as well, right next to me. 

''So, have you decided? Is it going to be Tokyo or London?'' 

''Hm,'' I murmur as his question breaks me out of my trance, ''regarding studies?'' He nods. 

''Honestly, not sure,'' I hesitate, before proceeding, ''but I'd love to stay in Tokyo.'' This was not a lie, but London on the other hand, was just an excuse in case my health gets worse. An agreement was made with my dad that it'd be best to stay there with my mom and focus on getting better. 

''Tokyo.'' I sigh, still caught up thinking what if I have to end up having to go back to London. What do I do then? And more importantly, what do I tell them? The minor, simple thought of lying to the people I deeply care about stings. 

''And you?'' 

''Tokyo,'' he says softly while looking down, smiling - as the thought if he had something that binds him to dwell in this city, ''I already got accepted in for game engineering.'' 

I knock him softly on top of his head, standing on my tippy toes. Though he was portrayed as the delicate and sweet guy he is, he was taller than both Chishiya and me. 

''Ouch,'' he exclaims as his hand rests on top of his head, my action catching him off guard, ''why did you do that?'' 

''Why haven't you told me, little idiot?'' 

''I planned to,'' he giggles, a wide smile as I've never seen scattering across his delicate features, ''I was waiting for you to confirm you got in your desired major as well.'' 

Yeah, I have, Niragi. It's just that I might not even be able to go because of my health. The phrases, the verdict, that I desired I could have mouthed out. But I couldn't, not now. Not when we're about part ways, and the way I want to remember these recollections is by them as their happy-selves, us cycling through alleys of Tokyo, eating noodles in the park during chilly nights, by city lights as the background noise of crickets was vetoed by our laughter. The recollections, moments I'll protect in my psyche permanently. 

I just remained silent, looking at my friend as he was smiling and looking off to distance till he started waving to someone. I shift my gaze only to see Chishiya's figure approaching us, hands in his pockets as usual. 

''Hello there, peasants.'' Chishiya teases, as he finally approaches us.

''Excuse me, lord Shuntaro.'' Niragi scoffs at him, crossing his arms.

''So where will we head to?'' 

''Whoa, Morizono, not even embracing your friend in a warm hug and you're already talking about eating,'' Chishiya says falsifying pain in his voice, ''I'm hurt.''

 ''Chishiya,'' I let out, rolling my eyes at his statement, ''I know you don't do hugs.'' I proceed, nudging his forearm slightly, hoping that the warmth I felt growing in my cheeks wasn't showing. 

''Fuunji or Ichiran Shibuya?'' Niragi says, clicking his tongue. 

''Fuunji,'' I mutter, at the same time as Chishiya adds, ''Ichiran.'' Our eyes met instantly as we both realized our choices were different.

Do I have to mention that I'm probably already blushing? No, because heck - yes I am. 

Oh boy, here we go. Let him have his way, Y/N. 

As you always do. 

''You know what, let's go to Ichiran,'' I exclaim, looking in between my best friends waiting for them to agree. 

''Ichiran it is,'' Niragi exclaims. 

A little while later, our food has finally arrived. The moment it lands on the table, Niragi digs at his sweet and sour soup and pulls out all the cubes of carrot. I don't say anything, I really couldn't care less about table manners and there's always something interesting going on in his head. Chishiya calm and collected as he is, starts eating at a slow pace. After swallowing his first bite, he breaks the silence, ''we must go somewhere to celebrate your birthday, Y/N.'' 

''I'm not sure-''

Niragi peeks up at me with sticky fingers in his mouth. Meanwhile, Chishiya adds, through the mouthful, that I could just about make out the name "Kyoto."

As my mouth was full of food as well, I just nod seriously. 

"That's a great idea, Chishiya. I never thought of that." Niragi grins, still with the fingers in his mouth, then he scoops them up and lines them neatly next to his stocking.

Chishiya holds out a cup of soju, "for Y/N." Niragi's hand comes over and snatches it up, his grin as wide as his cheeks will stretch, and scatters back.

Chishiya and I just exchanged looks, laughing at his silliness.

We drank soju, we were already merry and full, we told the most terrible of jokes. That was us. Casual, informal, yet caring enough to make the time we spend together joyful. 

                                                         ⋞ 〈 ⏣ 〉 ⋟ 

After grabbing lunch with Chishiya and Niragi, I headed straight home. The thought of visiting Kyoto for my birthday with them was still bouncing on my mind. The thing is, how to bring it up to Aguni? Hm? As loving and fond as he is of both of them, the thought of sending his only daughter away with two boys on a trip probably sounded far away from a brilliant idea. Sigh, I guess it'll take a lot to convince him. 

''Dad, I'm home!'' I exclaim, meanwhile closing the doors behind me and taking off my shoes in the hallway. 

''Someone's back home early, huh?'' Aguni says chuckling, as he plants a soft kiss on my forehead. 

''Yup, something smells delightful,'' I say, meanwhile slapping my hands in excitement and taking my seat. 

''Ah, you sneaky,'' He adds, taking the seat as well across me, ''it's your favorite - pad thai chicken wok.'' 

''So,'' I began, meanwhile randomly picking food with chopsticks in my plate, ''I have a question.'' 

''Yes?'' Aguni murmurs, mouthful, gazing up at me. ''So you know that my birthday is next week...'' I say awkwardly, placing my chopsticks gently on the table. 

''Of course, how would I forget my daughter's birthday?'' He scoffs, butthurt that his daughter thinks he's that forgetful. 

''No, of course not.'' I chuckle, ''but I did want to ask you something, uh...'' 

''Go ahead, silly.'' 

Just say it. Now or never. And I do - ''I've been thinking of visiting Kyoto with Chishiya and Niragi-'' 

''Not happening.'' 

''But-'' 

''You? On a trip? With two boys?'' his voice stern as he glares up at me, causing me to swallow, ''you must be out of your mind to think I'll let you, Y/N. Boys your age are wild.'' 

''No, there's going to be more of other friends...too, from school.'' I start, slightly panicking as I was also trying to think of the ways to get him to approve, ''not just Chishiya and Niragi, although you know they're my closest friends.'' I proceed further, looking around the food on the table, as I noticed he has almost cleared out his plate, and yet there was still chicken left in mine. Splendid, a perfect way to bribe him now.

''Plus,'' I mutter, as I start taking out the chicken from my plate, putting on his, his eyes now fully focused on that chicken, ''I know you trust them enough to protect me if anything happens, right?'' I grin, awkwardly. 

''Only because they are aware who's your father and someone not to mess with.'' He adds, still not convinced enough, but still taking the small pieces of chicken with his chopsticks. 

''Uh, yeah,'' I murmur, as I watch him, eating up those last few pieces of chicken as if they are his last, ''beside your protectiveness, what do you think?''

''Y/N, you've forgot one thing.'' Aguni says with a serious tone, placing down his chopsticks. 

''What?'' I question, acting dumb. Expecting him to answer, he just remains silent and gives me an even worse glare now, ''doctor's appointment,'' I add, ''come on, it doesn't have to be next week as well. Just check with them if they can postpone it.''   

He preserves silent, still staring up at me with a serious look on his face. Sigh.

''A trip with my friends is more important. Not to mention, it's our last as we're all parting ways soon because of university.''  

''To you. But to me, your health is more important Y/N.''

''I...understand, dad,'' I sigh, looking up at him, falsifying a smile, ''but look at me, I'm feeling fine. I've never been better.''

''Same as you claimed in the past, until it happened again and I was close to losing you forever.'' He asserts, this time his voice louder than before.

''Dad...cheer up,'' I exclaim, as I reach out my hand, placing it on top of his, ''it's...just because it happened then, doesn't mean it will happen again.''

''You don't know that. Your condition is serious-''

''I'll take care of myself. Alright?'' I murmur, squeezing his hand, ''please, can I go?''   

''Alright, alright. Under one condition, take care of yourself and as soon as you get back we're going to the doctors. Promise?''

''I promise.'' I holler, lunging from my seat to hug him before storming off to my room. As soon as I shut the door behind me, I lean my back on it. 

There was an eerie sentiment I felt within, a good sort though - just not sure for what exact reason yet. It felt like it was the calling card of an adventure, paths awaiting, what will transpire. Whatever was ahead could be a great challenge, and there could be tears, but it was an exploration to take and so I smiled. The inklings would come, perhaps when I’d least expected it, so I’m ready to take this leap of faith.

[rubysparx]

OK OBJECTUMS. reblog with the hottest borderlands guns brand. if you are unfamiliar with the borderlands gun brands please see my moment of insanity below ^_^

Ok so first up is bandit, which is a bad one to start with bc they're basically scrap guns, put together with other parts from other guns (not actually in terms of the game mechanics but lore wise yes)

now listen I'm a pistol guy myself so im used to the low damage but LOVEEE to see that high number on mag size. theyre gorgeous- very colorful and striking. the designs are scratchy, violent, and i love that. also the scope lens is different per brand and nobody ever seems to talk abt that or show it off in screenshots or anything? so ill try to mention those when i remember- the bandit scope lens in tps + 2 has a splatter of purple/magenta rust or paint in the left bottom corner (and along the other edges but harder to see).

now see the thing is Tina Tina's Wonderlands has its own version of each gun brand, theyre fucking gorgeous ofc bc theyre fantasy which gives them really unique designs (some of them are a little ugly tho but that's not the point of this post). but anyway. its incredibly difficult to find information on anything regarding Wonderlands bc its like. super new. so the bandit guns in there are called skuldugger, same kinda stats and concept of put together by scraps. but also HIGHLY ENGINE BASED. i am. so in love with skulduggers theyre so fucking hot. Instead of an absurdly high mag size the mag size is actually infinite but the gun can overheat- so there's your slow reload time that bandit guns usually have but like. different. anyway the cool part is theres a couple of different cool down(reload) animations for when a skuldugger overheats, one of them is literally turning a key and revving the engine of the gun. another one in pouring liquid all over it. its great. its awesome. i love skulduggers. here's a decent pic of the legendary rouge imp i managed to find

ALRIGHT . next up is DAHL which is the violently US american army one, their skins are pretty much all camo.

The simplicity can definitely be very pretty, the dahl pistol grip is actually my favorite pistol grip. Dahl is a huge company that makes way more than just guns, so I personally have little to say regarding them. all you really need to know is they promote their weaponry like the USA does. you get it. its all abt being a nationalist and all that. I have similar feelings toward Dahl that i have towards human guns in halo, they're? fine? i guess. but next to the covenant shit theyre just so nothing. so fucking bland to me. Dahl stands out more tho. anyway in Wonderlands the brand is called Dahlia and instead of the classic camo we seem to see a lot of wood pattern (like jakobs, but we'll get to them soon enough) here's the legendary dahlia receiver (which has the fun cr reference flavor text of "how do you want to do this?")

ALRIGHT NEXT IS HYPERION. Theyre basically the apple/google of the borderlands world, their advertisement pushes the design and moral aspect of using their guns rather than actually showing off the performance. a lot of the times they put down other brands rather than advertise for themself. Their slogan is "when you mean business, you mean hyperion." MONEY is a big big big deal to them. Money and branding. so their guns have a very consistent and deliberate design, but don't preform remarkably.

now like i said im a pistol guy and.. hyperion pistols are just. ugly. i mean yes they are designed to be EXTRA and easily recognizable but i really appreciate being able to see the USE for extra or unusually parts. the pistols have these weird wing-things that move and exist for no reason. I also hate the grip and scope of hyperion pistols which are sellers for me so yk. you can't be mad at me for being so negative act hyperion btw bc theyre the antagonists of like the entire franchise pretty much. anyway the wonderlands equivalent is Hyperius, theyre pretty much the same, they still keep that very angular + aerodynamic design with the themes of yellow and red.

OK JAKOBS EVERYBODY GET EXCITED ITS JAKOBS TIME. you *points* gay person! do you get a lot of Cassidy overwatch and Engineer tf2 on your dash? well I've got great news! Jakobs guns are the object equivalent of looking at images of gay cowboys.

(above is the legendary Maggie pistol, I don't have her yet but.. one day. wow) jakobs is a family owned incredibly fucking old brand that's just as humble and honest as it needs to be. Like i said before i love seeing a high number on that mag size stat- but thats the exact opposite with jakobs, they say "if it took more than one shot, you weren't using a jakobs" so they make up for the low mag size with killer damage. One of my main four i use constantly in tps is a jakobs, the boomacorn, beautiful unique weapon with rainbow + unicorn designs on it. its a shotgun, which is good for a jakobs since you'll be reloading a lot anyway. it also, like the next jakobs I'm gonna talk abt, is elemental which is rare for this brand! The next gun i was gonna talk abt is another pistol (sorry), Zarpedon's Cyber Eagle.. despite being Dahl affiliated, Zarpedon's favorite pistol was jakobs, its got a fantastically unique skin

anyway the wonderlands equivalent is called blackpowder, look no further if you wish to see guns that look like those gay gunslinger assassins in dnd <3 as a note the reload for this cross bow lookin one requires you to actually crank/wind up the circular bits. hot (sorry the other one is low quality, its my own screenshot of a blackpowder pistol i have a little crush on hehe)

alright next up is Maliwan! Remarkable for their dedication to design and elemental damage. Maliwan's dynamic and recognizable shapes and colors are only rivaled by Hyperion (except Maliwan is obviously better for many reasons)

the maliwan barrel is my favorite without a doubt. god.. holding a maliwan sniper? whew,, the color pallet frequently reminds me of nerf and the crazy shapes make me think of toys too, theyre just. so fun to look at. god. have you seen this shit? wow.

the above gun is sex. that gun is literally actually sex. (the whole bit is that its a vibrator) maliwan is pretty much the exact opposite to jakobs in terms of values, wanting to push forward into the future with new and eye catching designs, not settle for classics or "old reliable". They have a lotta passive aggressive digs at Jakobs brand because of this ("Its time you had a gun that evolved with you and didn't feel like a family heirloom.") But theyre right you know, they do make guns that look as good as they preform.. albeit maybe specializing in elemental damage is sort of cheating lol. anyway, maliwan have no equivalent in wonderlands since their defining trait was elemental damage, but most guns in wonderlands are already magic or can be enchanted. so. NEXT! TORGUE!!!! very. um. masculine guns. Torgue doesn't fuck around- theyre a blunt, offensive, no filter, EXPLOSIVE gun brand.

tongue doesnt bother with passive aggressive and just flat out insults other brands by name. while they respect women (hypothetically, as said by mr torgue himself) they still say slurs. not very epic. but the guns have neat designs, its best to get a heavy- yk, a rocket launcher- if you're getting torgue. since mr torgue himself exists as an npc in wonderlands, the brand name doesnt change. The gimmick doesnt either, theyre still insanely high damage explosive weapons. Many of the skins have text on them which gives them something uniquely visually interesting.

OK EVERYBODY GET EXCITED FOR FUCKING REAL THIS TIME ITS TIME FOR MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE GUNS EVER EVER EVR EVER. tediore. now, i know what youre thinking, borderlands nerds- how can i like tediore? well my friend youre right tediore is the walmart of the borderlands guns but i love shoplifting at walmart its epic. anyway i will do my very best to keep this section short (and i will fail)

i mean fucking. hello. look at this goddamn scope. nothing is better

tediore is for everyone! for the common man! the workers! the people who dont have any fucking money! tediore is incredibly inexpensive and plastic looking (read: HOT) the skins are pixel-y and plain. but ofc some legendaries look super cool, like this babymaker (one of my fav skins ever)

god id fucking love to have a tediore irl and just COVER it in stickers.. one day.. ough,, anyway the wonderlands equivalent is feriore, which look fucking AWESOME. and usually the way they explode is special and magical :) like the red smg here (quite possibly my favorite gun in any borderlands thing ever, right next to gwen's other head from tps) is shadowfire- when reloaded shes thrown and explodes in a massive pillar of blood magic (which returns health to you!!) ive used her to destroy Dry'l in a total of 5 minutes and 1 second. Im serious. i started timing it lmao.

alright, last one, vladof. Their gimmick is communist revolution mother russia. and similar to dahl theyre sort of underwhelming in their simplicity and realism. but like tediore they have good logos and patterns (nice wood like jakobs too)

Vladof also have my favorite scope lens! a cute star boxes in your vision, on a square scope (like a tediore scope) that can look really visually appealing imo. In wonderlands the equivalent is Stoker. Which keep that very round barrel and scope theme, very thin and compact

Oh ok cool if I can actually talk about being objectum can we have a conversation about borderlands guns.

[itariilles]

My Statement on Tolkien 2019

[ French translation and German translation availible. ]

It has been incredibly difficult for me to speak on my experiences regarding my experiences of hostility and othering in spaces that I loved and still hold dear to my heart, and for that reason I have been silent. That is until now. 

I have decided that now is the right time for me to come forward with my experience and statement regarding my negative experience as a person of colour engaging in Tolkien spaces. 

I want people involved in the wider Tolkien community to reflect on their roles in the specific spaces they inhabit, and how you can foster a better environment for marginalised groups to interact and engage with those spaces in a safe and inclusive manner. 

Take your time to listen and put effort into listening to fans of colour when they are speaking about their lived experiences and their grievances especially when they are speaking about a topic as personal as racism. Being critical of a work you love and the media surrounding it is not easy thing, but we need to recognise that these criticisms are valid and deserve to be taken seriously when it affects a collective of people across different backgrounds. 

I want to preface this by stating that I am speaking only for myself and my own lived experience as a vocal young non-black POC in a predominantly white space. I acknowledge that my experience is by no means universal or indicative of all POC in Tolkien fandom spaces. 

I also understand that real life interactions differ widely from interactions on online fandom spaces, but there are disturbing similarities across both online and real life spaces with specific regard to the environment and treatment of vocal POC in both. 

The tragedy is many people do not realise their impact not only on the individuals involved, but on the wider attitude towards POC voices in fandom when the topic of racism is discussed. We need to build safe environments where critical discussions of diversity and race from the people most affected by them are taken to heart, not invalidated or spoken over as targets of microaggressions. 

To give a bit of context, Tolkien 2019 was an in person conference organised by the Tolkien Society (which I was a member of at the time). The official website for Tolkien 2019 has been taken down but the Tolkien Society has a nice summary written in August 2018 breaking down the event here. 

I was approached by the Education Secretary at the time about my possible involvement in a panel discussing the history and future of the Tolkien Society which I elaborate on further in my statement. It was the first time I had felt that I had a platform where I could freely express my voice as a diverse reader and consumer of Tolkien media who held diversity in Tolkien as a core value in the wider Tolkien brand. 

I felt that as the only non-white member on the panel I had an obligation to speak out on the topic of diversity when it was raised. I tried to speak briefly about some of the points and discourses I had heard on portrayals of diversity in Tolkien media with as much nuance as I could manage at the time. In response to some points I had made I was met with vocal disapproval by some audience members and visible signs of disapproval and hostile body language from others. 

This was made even more jarring when later during the course of the event when two white creators hinted at vague notions of diversity were met with a far greater degree of approval. The former instance was during the context of a panel regarding the upcoming LOTR on Prime series, and the latter was during a talk presented by the chair of the Tolkien Society.

I felt intimidated and reluctant to involve myself any further in the Tolkien fandom, especially in real life spaces as my experience at Tolkien 2019 had only solidified and reaffirmed my fears and unease I had engaging in a predominantly white fandom with few visible POC members and creators who tackle topics of diversity and racism in both the community and source texts.

Following this event I was approached by an affiliate of one of the attendees who very kindly took the time to listen to me and suggested that I should write a statement in response to my experience. To my knowledge, my statement has not been shared or published on any platform yet and this will be the first time I have ever spoken about it publicly. 

Since then some of my thoughts and opinions on certain aspects of Tolkien fandom and meta have shifted or evolved which I will hopefully expand on in the future, but I wanted to share my initial unchanged statement I wrote reflecting my immediate reaction to my experience. 

I want to be seen as a Tolkien creative and critical thinker above anything else, but I cannot move forward with my work without speaking about my lived experience in a space which has been consistently hostile to me and so many others across different Tolkien spaces for so many years starting with my account of this one experience.

I hope my statement finds itself in good hands and I will always be willing to engage with others about my experiences so long as you engage with me in good faith. 

The statement I wrote on 25/09/2019 is as follows:

From the 9th to 11th of August of this year I attended a conference held by the Tolkien society aptly named “Tolkien 2019” that advertised itself as the “largest celebration of Tolkien ever held by the Society” in which I both spoke as a panelist and independant speaker. The event itself was a mixture of both formal and informal panels, papers presented by selected members of the society, and evening social events.

My invitation to speak on the “History of the Tolkien Society” panel was presented as deliberate choice made by the panel organiser as a gateway for discussion about diversity and representation in Tolkien. On the official programme, the panel was described as a discussion concerning “what the Tolkien Society and Tolkien fandom in general may become as it encounters digital spaces, issues of representation and diversity, academic interest and a myriad other factors that make up our lived experience today”.

Although there was much excitement and anticipation on my half in the weeks and days leading up to the event, it soon turned to dread when the tone and climate of the discussion dawned on me when I took my seat alongside five other panelists ranging from seasoned Tolkien scholars, long-time members of the Society, and a member with a leadership position within the Society. On that four person panel, I was the only one racialised as non-white. In fact, I was one of only three people in a room of approximately fifty to sixty people racialised as non-white.

It wasn’t long before the true motive of placing me — a young, new member of the Society, who felt already out of place and out of my depth even being offered the opportunity to participate in the first place — on a panel of what I perceived to be more seasoned members of the society.

When the topic of diversity and representation in the Tolkien fandom was raised by the moderator, I saw it as an opportunity for me to share my own experiences as a young fan who predominantly consumed Tolkien content online, as well as some observations I had made regarding the current pop-cultural perception of Tolkien as being heavily influenced, if not wholly entered around the Peter Jackson trilogies and being deeply ingrained with the issues that seep from those interpretations into our overall perception of the Tolkien brand.

One of the talking points that seemed to have caused the biggest uproar and dissent was one in which I referred Tolkien’s description of Sam’s hands as brown in two instances — the first in the Two Towers, and the second instance in Return of the King and how this has been translated into film as both literal and symbolic interpretations. The former in the Ralph Bakshi’s the “Lord of the Rings” released in 1978 in which I noted that the decision to portray Sam as more ethnically ambiguous compared to the other Hobbits was a deliberate choice, whereas the latter was depicted in the recent Peter Jackson trilogy released in the early 2000’s took the description symbolically and cast the white American actor Sean Astin for the role.

The backlash I received for this was, I believe, absolutely disproportionate to the views I expressed. I saw members frown and grunt in disapproval, as well as some visibly shake their heads at me. In spite of me parroting how I saw both interpretations as equally valid as a defence mechanism in the face of such an aggressive response to what to me seemed like an innocuous observation made by a young person of colour who did not see many portrayals of people of colour in Tolkien. 

Comments such as “I don’t care who they cast as Sam whether he’s black, brown, yellow, blue or green!” and “Tolkien’s message is universal I don’t see how race factors into this!” were shouted in between points I was making, and countless others were made as an effort to dismiss the effort I put in to hopefully start an open dialogue about the lack of diversity in adaptations of Tolkien and how it has coloured our perception of the overall brand, and perhaps fantasy as a whole.

Some other talking points I decided to mention included Peter Jackson’s Easterlings (coded as being North African or Middle Eastern in the film) as being appallingly Orientalist and damaging in a post-911 world, as well as referring to Tolkien’s vague descriptions of certain characters and people groups that can be interpreted as ethnic coding or perhaps hint at a more diverse cast than the popular brand of Tolkien that may have us believe. I iterated that it is the responsibility of consumers of Tolkien and Tolkien related media to push for different interpretations of the text in order to break the perception that Tolkien’s works are entirely Anglo and Eurocentric with no place for people of colour in the vast world he had created in my opinion as a love letter to his own.

A month later it is still difficult for me to fully wrap my head around what I had experienced during the conference, much less articulating it in a statement, but if there is a note I would like to conclude on it would be this: it was never about changing Tolkien’s works, but reinterpreting his 20th century text littered with colonial artefacts and reimagining the foundations of his work through a 21st century lens in an attempt to decolonise the interpretation of his works in popular culture.

To change the way we read, write and depict the Tolkien brand is to fundamentally change the landscape of the entire genre of fantasy which has and still derives so heavily from Tolkien’s works and the global Tolkien brand.

End.