#as a matter of fact it's at MY expense | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tevinterdays · 11 months

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brain machine broke, it's just vampires up in there

#i really need to be doing my character design work #bg3 #astarion #luxarts #but noooo this mf is just living in my skull RENT FREE #as a matter of fact it's at MY expense

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treasureplcnet · 10 months

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someone on the bodies production team you have to release more layout/bts pictures of charles whiteman's flat please. this is a great start but i need to know him better. particularly if it's got about as much mould as a second year uni house and if he owns as many chairs as it seems LOL

#ok the joke is at his expense but im already romanticising this shit #20-something loser karl weissman moves into the worst flat of all time and makes it a home #hangs a picture of his parents' wedding against the worst wallpaper you've ever seen #just buys what he likes and calls it decor #how else can you explain the fucking model boat next to the fucking telephone. AND YOU MAY TELL ME 'oh thats just random set stuff'#NOT TO ME!#and it stays until he's in his mid 30s. develops a habit of not cleaning up along the way #the shot where he seems to have taken off his shirt/tie/jacket and then dropped them off on various pieces of furniture. HE LIVES LIKE THIS #also entertaining the idea that its his parents' old stuff that he can't bring himself to throw out ..#i will created a fully fleshed out character using 8 episodes and fever dream visions if i have to #karl weissman #bodies netflix #edit: the original tags are above but since then i joined the discord and got to add these pictures LOL #saved this post as a draft bc i was like. i cant annoy people on the tag any more than i already have #doesnt matter. forcing this into the tag like a week after i made it anyway #im still so interested in the fact that it seems like there are more rooms that we never see #outside this bedroom and living space (and the bedroom isnt clear in the show either)#like. i rly need a 360 house tour NOW.#ALSO I FEEL LIKE A TOWN CRIER NO I DONT THINK HE HAS MOULD BUT IT WOULD BE FUNNY!!!!#the chair next to the liquor rly is something. hes MY babygirl

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j-esbian · 3 months

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thinking abt how much of my life i’ve lost to depression and i truly want to throw up

#day to day doesn’t feel like much but. oh no it’s been like fully a decade #i wish therapy wasn’t so expensive #bc for a while i was on meds (that. didn’t do much tbh.) but that made me feel like i was Treating It so i was making progress #spoiler alert it did not. and now the fact that i’ve wasted so much of my life is making it worse #bc everyone else i know has like. lives and people in them #and i pretty much just have my parents. and my mom is also going through it #i have relied SO much on them and that also feels bad!!! feels like i’ve taken advantage of them!!!!!#i know people talk about how much it messes w your memory but i figured it was short term bc the days all blend together #i literally had a moment yesterday where i forgot i went to college at all #the whole thing feels like a missed opportunity bc i didn’t do anything i wanted to really #i was too afraid to go to clubs that looked interesting. i didn’t think practically abt what i was studying #i mostly didn’t have roommates but when i did i was Bad At It #i managed to go through the whole time only speaking to like. three people #so you can see how it’s kind of. completely forgettable #i have worked jobs bc it’s a paycheck. never really enjoyed them never really made friends (even tho now i’m kicking myself for not keeping #in touch with some people) but i have always kept a very strong work/life division even in school #because i was there to do a Specific Thing so that’s all that matters yknow #anyway. sometimes i DO wish i could go back to high school bc even tho it sucked. it was structured #and i had resources and more time to try things and like. a life outside of my computer. a little bit #yknow. i feel like people have more sympathy if you’re anxious abt everything and never gone outside #when you’re 16 as opposed to 25

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fingertipsmp3 · 3 months

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Ughhhhhhh I hate writing and I hate not writing and I hate myself

#nearly bought a digital typewriter today. actually i DID buy a digital typewriter today. officially yes i have bought a digital typewriter.#the money for the digital typewriter has left my account but i have emailed them to cancel the order because i can't in good faith buy #a digital typewriter when i don't fucking WRITE #i thought it might help me get back into it. distraction free and while allowing me to not judge my own writing #and be continuously editing while i write and going 'i'm crap i'm crap i'm crap no one will ever read this and if they do they will think #that i'm garbage and that i should feel bad etc etc etc'#but it's too expensive and i have the feeling i wouldn't even like or use the thing once i got it #because the IDEAS! the ideas aren't coming to me. or rather they are but none of them seem to stick #i feel underconfident in writing any of them #and then i have old projects that i've always wanted to get back to like the tennis romance thing but SO much has changed since i first #started drafting it. like i don't even know if i like the main couple anymore. i kind of want to put both of them with different OCs of min #but it'd switch up the WHOLE story if i had a different cast #in fact most of the problem lies in the fact that i have this long-running bedtime story i tell myself every night with lore #and a massive cast of characters that i switch out depending on who i'm most interested in right now and every so often i incorporate new #themes and ideas and motifs and plot points sometimes based on media i've been watching because it's MY bedtime story and it doesn't matter #if i plagiarise in my own brain. but then obviously i can't plagiarise in real life #and none of my bedtime stories are GOING anywhere. sometimes i only get through a scene or two before i fall asleep #all of which means my bedtime story is not so much a sweeping epic novel but a sitcom with way too many characters #most of which are werewolves to be honest and sometimes for my own wish fulfilment one of them will walk out of my head #and take care of my problems for me by lending me £1million or murdering my best friend's ex. in my mind obviously #so it's like. it's a case of getting in there and annexing off the stuff i think i can use #it's like yeah i've definitely written several romance novels in my head in the process of this but does it matter if they're IN my HEAD #to be honest i feel like my main strength is in creating characters. like i have this one family of werewolves i've been slowly but surely #adding members to since i was like 16. maybe younger? no yeah i think i made the first one when i was 12 #they're compelling to ME anyway. i care about them. it's just PLOTS. i can't plot #if a book could just be a lot of dialogue and sex scenes and silly moments and character studies i'd be alright #i also can't describe settings. don't ask me to because i can't #and now i'm just annoyed with myself because i sat down at my laptop to try to write and instead i'm here complaining about how i don't wri #and if i had the digital typewriter... i mean i'd probably still be doing this i'd just no longer have £300 #i don't have the £300 anyway. i hope to christ they refund my card i'm a fucking idiot

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izzy-b-hands · 3 months

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Putting on last year's trans rigs stream from Drawfee before i have to get ready to go out with my mum and her bf today (bc i have the worst feeling in my gut he's gonna make that An Thing for me if given the chance today, aka whenever i eventually need the restroom while we're at Mystic)

#text post #Housemate was amazing and helped me calm down a bit before ae went to work bc my brain woke up in meltdown mode over this tbh #it sucks bc like. im excited to see my mum despite the Everything with that lmao #but im not excited for how her bf has been acting since they got here (and it's been day 1 out of 7 days)#with some outright homophobic comments while Housemate and i hosted them briefly at our house yesterday afternoon #not abt us but like. i mean. u know we're both queer so #doesn't really matter if it's abt us or not it's still fucky and makes me worry abt how he's gonna be today!!#doesn't help that he really wanted to go to Italy with her instead this summer #(despite the passive aggressive complaints from him & mum to a degree abt how expensive it was for them to come out here)#(we're ignoring the fact that a European trip would be even more expensive lmao tho i do think if they want to/can afford it they should go)#like. the Vibe from him has just been that he'll be Just Polite Enough but that he didn't want to be here #and he doesn't expect to have any fun and it's like #dude i am Trying. i and Housemate have looked up stuff to do that includes things he likes (like guns and historical weapons)#we tried making comments abt that yesterday like hey u might like this but if there's anything u have in mind already #and he was just. whatever idc but then made comments that made it clear he's not excited for anything else #like museums or the beach for sea glass hunting or the bird sanctuary or even the zoo #and all have places to rest/sit plus restrooms and food so I don't think it's a worry abt facilities thing for him #i think he's just fed up that I'm still involved in my mum's life since i moved and like #yes there's a detangling of the umbilical cord i and my past therapist were trying to eventually get my mum to cut #since cutting it myself in any attempt has had her metaphorically taping it back together #but like. it's not entirely on me here. I'm trying to set boundaries and make sure she's giving him more attention than me since he's w/her #more than i am now #i know he's upset when she helps me financially too (i offer to pay her back but she always refuses it) bc she took me aside yesterday #to give me some cash for the time with them for souvenirs/fun stuff i might not buy otherwise bc im trying to be mindful of money #aka still waiting on money my fkn job should have already paid me like. a week or more ago now #he makes her happy so even if he hates me i still care abt his frustrating ass #and i do want him to have as much fun as he can while still relaxing during the trip out here #but i feel like im gonna have to physically shake him by the shoulders screaming this before he listens #and even if he listens he probably won't believe me #sorry for the tag essay the edible hasn't kicked in yet can u guys tell lmao

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nerice · 11 months

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MY POWER THE DAY I CAN DRAW AGAIN.......

#a day alone has revitalized me catching up on seasonals cleared my skin watered my crops everything is in focus now #japan this time around is a gap filler no matter what happens i must not lose sight of that simple easy fact #today was day 5/28 of Wrist Rest/Distraction Project that is all it is all i am here for #most expensive rehabilitation path in history BUT IF IT WORKS...#elia txts #japan adventures #next time i will come here just w/my partner and we can do whatever we want. this time was always going 2 suck so focus on wrist !!

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206024 · 10 months

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prolonged baby fever vs the knowledge that we will never have the money to raise a child properly

#ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #i know lots of people 'make it work' with medium incomes but the fact of the matter is i would feel extreme guilt and anxiousness #knowing that we just don't have everything secured / squared away to provide all of the things that we would want to as parents #it makes me sad that we likely won't ever get there but i am also coming to peace with the fact that if its not for us then its just not #it doesn't have to be more serious than that #childcare in my area costs like 2000 a month and that's just so we could continue working at our current income #no money for a house #college costs the type of food we like to eat which is already expensive enough as it is #idk i would just want to be able to be a little bit more secure but every year shit gets more expensive #we had a conversation a month or two ago where we agreed that if we won some sort of lottery or SOMEHOW #came into a fuckton of money then we would do it no question #but there's a certain amount of financial requirements we'd both like to be able to meet before we considered it otherwise

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httpiastri · 1 year

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as happy as i am for lissie and marcus (even though I knew they were already together because I literally watched them make out with my own two eyes) it was honestly my last straw. I’m so tired of seeing everybody on my social feeds happy and in relationships when I’ve just had the worst week of my life and have basically given up on falling in love because if I can’t even drive how am I going to go to places where I’ll meet people?!?!? i have spent every Valentine’s Day alone while my friends go on elaborate dates and I’m just so so tired

not the make out sesh 😩 oh to see them with my own two eyes irl... what a pretty sight it would be

this got quite personal and hit a little too close to home so im putting a lil keep reading thing

love :(( i’m truly sorry you feel this way... but god i felt this ask so much... first of all, i'm really sorry about you having a bad week. it's completely fine to feel the way you're feeling, it must really suck, but i'm sure you'll get the license and you'll be driving shortly!! i am keeping my fingers crossed for you ❤️

i’ve always been very calm about relationships and love, very much “i’m not in a rush” and “it’ll come when it’s time”. i’ve always been a hopeless romantic but i haven’t been stressed about it – i’ve always been so busy that i haven’t really had time for love, and i've been okay with hearing about friends and their great love lives while i've spent pretty much every weekend and holiday alone at home. but… eventually, it becomes exhausting, you know? when falling in love for real just seems so far away and like something so hard to achieve in some way....

i also kind of feel you on the driving part... i decided not to get my license for a bunch of reasons, and idk how i'll get around without driving... but also as i am still living with my parents, it just seems impossible to meet someone, because where would i bring them? home to meet my snooping parents?? no way

i think we just gotta hold on to the hope that when it is the right time, it will happen. i don't believe in the whole "don't rush it" thing, i think that we're all allowed to seek and chase love if we want to, but i also think it's okay to take a step back and just breathe and be okay with the situation. unfortunately, our current day society is so formed around relationships, soft launches and hard launches and dinner date pics on insta and public proposal videos, that i feel like the pressure easily gets overwhelming. there's also something in the way that people think other people's love lives is any of their business, like friends and relatives asking me why i don't have a boyfriend, as if a partner is something i need to live my life? surely it would make it better, but i don't need to be reminded and hurt yet again over the fact that i'm alone, when i'm just trying to move on in life...

i'm trying to stay patient, open to any opportunity, and remembering that social media is merely a highlight reel and not reality. i hope you too can find peace in remembering that things will get better, we just have to work through this first. we will get through it and come out stronger on the other side. darling, if you ever need something from me, want to rant, or anything else, know that my messages and inbox are always open 💗

#ive really liked seeing drivers and their partners recently #but i think that in some way it's just like a coping mechanism to cope with the fact that im so very alone #i think it originates in the wish of being one of them even though i do feel very realistic and dont actually believe that it could happen #but i mean honestly #if we werent even the tiniest bit delusional #would we be here writing and reading the self insert fics??#like sure i dont do it just for that reason #i love writing and i love fiction no matter what kind and blah blah #but we could've all been reading random scifi or romance fics instead and yet so many people get stuck on celebs x reader #housing is really expensive in my city so not a lot of people move out early (like pretty much none of my friends have moved out)#and i just dont get how they manage to have partners and still live at home? are their parents not crazy like mine??#i am supposed to be moving out soon though but rn idk how that would change my situation #still have to deal with social anxiety and shit #this ask hurt so much #ive been hitting a pretty rough patch recently aswell and im kind of thinking that i need to break down fully to be able to build myself up #but its so goddamn scary #idk why im oversharing and ranting so much shfkdjf i apologize #i really hope you find happiness and a great love #i truly admire you for working through this despite how hard it all is #why does it all have to be so exhausting?#asks!

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soryualeksi · 1 year

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Big Kiddo, sighing in an almost prayer-like way, watching his absolute favourite birds - the Victoria crowned pigeon - wander around a safe distance from him at the zoo: "I would so love to pet them..."

Me: "I understand, but I don't think they want to be touched by zoo visitors and we have to respect their wish."

Big Kiddo, with the tone of complete, soothing 'Don't worry about it!' in his voice: "Oh no, I mean when we'll keep our own."

#he's too precious #fun fact you CAN actually keep them domestically. but they're rare around here and very expensive to get #I'll keep it on my list for things to look into if we ever get rich and buy a house with a huge yard lol #he's so obsessed with these birds lol #as a toddler he was DEADLY AFRAID of them. he'd see one and JUMP into my arms from standing. it was a sight to behold lmao #then he got over his fear and now they're his special interest #i can FEEL the love and adoration and 'engaging in special interest' RADIATING from him when he watches them #it's so precious #lmao so he already made plans lmao #he was so matter of fact and calming my worries like no no don't worry I'm not harassing the zoo animals. I'm talking about our future pets #parenting stuff #soryuchan's personal issuss #kids stuff

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zemnarihah · 1 year

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started moving some of my shit over to my new apartment today adn well. its moving.

#i hate moving so bad. i hate the fact that this is like my 5th(???)time moving in the past #like 4 years?#also like. i doooo think this new place WILL be better but also i really liked my current place:( like i probably wouldve chosen to stay #here but my roommate rlly hated it.#this was the biggest room ive ever had it was sooo nice i love having space.#the new place will be nice bc its v close to my school and my friends and fam like ill be able to walk to school. where i live rn its like #a 20 min drive. and itll be nice to not have to deal w parking at my school bc those parking lots are literally hell on earth. and im gonna #be spending so little on gas #it just is like. well im literally done w in person class until fall semester. so all of that quite literally doesnt matter at the moment.#the only immediate change happening is that. its gonna be smaller #also its gonna be just me and my bestie. which will be good i mean our other roommate isnt that bad by any means but i think it will be #nice to have it just be the 2 of us #also im gonna sneak buttercup in bc its also more expensive and no way am i paying more for a smaller apartment and ALSO paying pet rent #pet rent is insane anyway but especially for buttercup like SHES A CAT.#but yeah they asked if we had pets and i was like no:) and the girl at the desk goes #okay just let us know if that changes bc if we catch you:) theres a fine:) and idk if she like noticed the cat hair im always covered in or #smth but i feel like she knew. but im not worried lol it was funny though #anyway. i will have to oceans 11 heist smuggle her in (take her on saturday when management isnt there)

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medicinemane · 10 days

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Man I wish I were drunk

...I could probably be drunk right now, I've got some rum I've had sitting under my chair since... think it was my last birthday, don't think I even felt up to getting drunk this year, but... I don't know, I just don't feel like drinking without company, you know?

But man I wish I was drunk

#I think that it's kinda clear on if I'm an alcoholic or not the fact that I literally have had rum sitting under my chair since forever #legit think since may last year; think that was when I drank half of it for a couple reasons #but I legit just always have rum under my chair; and it's just cause I'm too lazy to find a better home for it #and yet I never drink it; very rarely I sniff it or today I had a small swallow... and yet... doesn't get drunk #nah... I just can drink heavily when I do feel like drinking; but it's often months or years between drinks #and frankly I could go without drinking ever again #just... sometimes you don't fucking feel like being sober... which I am... 99.99999% of the time #cause it doesn't matter if you don't feel like being sober; being anything else is expensive and doesn't help shit #but man I wish I was drinking with someone right now

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kavehater · 23 days

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I’m so weirdly tired but I literally (practically) didn’t study for that test at all and I don’t even care that much I’m in such an odd crying mood rn and idk why 😞

#placing bets on the fact I miss kaveh #SLASH JAY I DONT think that’s the reason LOLLLL I’m just so ??? please I rlly rlly rlly don’t think I can do uni properly this sem #like every sem it’s like this but #every sem it gets worse and worse and worse …#I warn everyone I warn them and tell them that I promise I literally can’t do this anymore #and yet they say sure sure just stfu and do your work #then they complain I’m literally destroying myself at the expense of my studies #literally what did I say ? why does nobody listen to me ?#like do you SERIOUSLY think you know me and my limits more than I do myself ? see how stupid that sounds ?#the way I warn everyone yet no one listens #and then they cry abt some take care of your health no I think it’s time for YOU to stfu.#I do not care for half assed wishes for my health literally fuck you.#if you truly cared you’d have said stop uni. PERIOD. because anyone with eyes #or ears or any of the senses for that matter can see exactly how much more horrible each semester #passing semester gets and how bad it starts to wear me down #the amount of times I’ve almost passed out due to exhaustion from lack of eating lack of sleep and lack of anything.#dora daily #and everyone treats what I say like I’m either lying or over exaggerating #maybe if I restart cutting myself but like in obvious places and do it so deep you guys throw up from how bad it looks #THEN will I be taken seriously 😊☺️#cause if yall didn’t gaf idc but it’s the way you LIE so outwardly so blatantly … THATS the issue

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bunn-iiii · 28 days

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pov I'm literally gonna ask for maybe two things for Christmas cause I still feel guilty about last Christmas since I was gifted expensive things by my parents and our house needs repairs

#maybe i can ask for them to save up for house repairs as a Christmas gift #can you ask people to save money for a gift?#idk the older i get the more and more anxious and guilty i feel about money #especially with the way the economy is going #just hearing how much things cost especially when it's something for me makes me feel like crying and apologizing #no matter how expensive the thing is #especially especially if i like the thing #but I've been known to feel bad when gifted things i didn't want because they spent momey on something they thought i would want and i don't #want it #and i try to minimize that by making a wishlist but no one ever looks at it except for my mom #my dad doesn't even look at it and he constantly complains about how i never tell him what i want when i don't like the things he gets me #it's why he doesn't get me presents for my birthday or Christmas any more really he just tacks his name onto whatever my mom got #i think. i have several problems surrounding gifts that may have started with my dad.#not sure where i got the money anxiety from though #i do remember growing up and constantly hearing my dad say i was expensive in a joking tone tho. and i was an undiagnosed autistic child.#so yknow. i have some ideas.#i can't blame it all on my dad though. i do gotta work on some things myself i just. don't know how.#i will say the only gift my dad has gotten me in years was the ps4 #which i do love a lot #it was a bit overshadowed by the fact that he immediately bought a ps5 for himself though after watching me play on my ps4 :[#tw vent

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fleshadept · 7 months

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looking at (vetted) gofundmes for people trying to escape palestine and i don't know how many of you actually click on the gofundme links you reblog but i would like to point out, for what it's worth, just how amazing it is that so many have raised so much money. it may overall feel like a drop in the ocean but the fact that several gofundmes have raised tens of thousands of dollars is amazing. it is so expensive to leave gaza right now, and people still need money after they escape. but regardless of what propaganda the US, UK, canada, and other western nations are trying to pump out, people across the world are doing what they can to help these people survive. many of them are still very far from their goals (like this one and this one and this one) and some of them are very close to high goals (like this one), and some of them have reached almost double their original goal.

and that's not even addressing direct aid or organizations that take continuous donations for distribution of food, menstrual products, etc. the PCRF has raised $16,000,000 of their target goal of $20,000,000 to fund current aid and long-term relief efforts in gaza. ANERA's febuary 13th update discusses the material ways they helped palestinians today:

(ANERA donate link)

my point is, it often feels like the world is turning a blind eye to palestine. but i would like to point out that there is an important difference between "the world" and "western political leaders and media narratives". a breathtaking amount of real people, the people who make up the world, are trying to help. in the face of israel attempting to commit genocide, the world is saying No. These people deserve to live. and literally sending millions of dollars internationally, through the internet connection that israel has desperately been trying to destroy.

it may not feel like it matters in the grand scheme of things. but to the people who get fresh clothes, or a hot meal, or blankets, or the kids who get new toys, or to the people who are able to bring their families to safety, it matters to them. go make someone's day better. i've linked so many options with ways to do that.

#free palestine #cricket chirps #palestine #gaza #if you feel overwhelmed and don't know where to begin #i recommend deciding on a total amount of money to donate (e.g. $20 $100 etc)#and deciding you will either donate it all in one place or split it between a few places #do what you can!!! it will always be helpful no matter how little #1k #5k #10k #20k

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lilgynt · 6 months

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i’m rlly enjoying talking to this dude i need one of yous to kill me

#personal #okay great not dealing with just trying to get through a convo!#usually have to hype myself to respond or grimace at every interaction and hope it falls through! cool that’s not happening!!!#now i’m thinking okay what’s the appropriate amount of time to wait to respond so i don’t seem eager or crazy #okayyyy we’re chatting at 1 am and i’m gigging i gotta. go to bed. matter of fact #and now i’m stressed like #ohhhhh what if he thinks i’m lame ohhhh what if we go on that date and im awkward and he doesn’t like ohhhhhhh #someone literally stole expensive foot wraps bc u have a nice ass get up #ughhh i graduated from trying to force a convo to being nervous over normal #parts of courtship #AGHHHHHHHHH #if nothing else it’s a good experience #trying to logic my way out of embarrassment and being weird

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llycaons · 9 months

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they brought down a pt the other day with some dentures and I took a look and according to the label they...weren't his dentures. somehow this person was transferred from an outside facility, cared for by dozens of people in various roles, and came TO the OR without anyone bothering to look at the label on his belongings. the person these dentures belonged to wasn't even from our facility! HOW. how was I the first person to notice the discrepancy

#I went to the coordinator like 'I dont think these clothes are his either then'#and shes like 'I have no possible way of knowing that'#so I called for them to be brought back up and apparently nobody did anything with them #so I had to tell my manager DAYS after the fact #like great work guys.#okay they have more pressing matters to deal with sure #but dentures are expensive as fuck #cor.txt

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