#as Ive said before I like to think that they are physically and mentally quite young and mostly act on what motions theyve taken before

[arolesbianism]

Anyways incorporating new saint hcs into my semi au Sliver lore means that now saint gets to continuously experience ascending Sliver forever 👍

[blueskittlesart]

omg wait- please give us your thoughts botw women!

im skipping zelda because i talk about her all the time but this is mipha, urbosa (and riju), impa, and purah lol. it's LONG so prepare yourself

mipha. ive said before that i think she was done dirty by the writers in that all of her characterization revolves around men. and i stand by that. i generally dislike the archetype of a physically small, softspoken female supporting character whose only role in the story is as a protector or healer--someone for the male characters to bounce their feelings off of. and i think mipha very often falls into this trope. with that being said, i do still think there is room for a nuanced analysis of her character because there IS nuance there it just gets lost a lot of the time because of how she's written. When thinking about her it's important to remember how zora age in relationship to humans. after a lot of math i place her at around 60ish years old physically, with that being the zora equivalent of a 14-16 year old hylian. she is INCREDIBLY young by zora standards but physically, she has lived longer than almost every non-zora she will ever meet. because of this, there's this dissonance between the way her family and kingdom view her vs the way her friends and colleagues view her. We see it most obviously in the champion's ballad dlc--when zelda speaks to mipha about piloting a divine beast, she speaks as though she's talking to an adult. but mipha's father is convinced she is far too young and inexperienced for this role. Mipha, in turn, is caught between these two differing perceptions of herself, to the point where she doesn't really KNOW what she's supposed to be. she takes on a protective role for those younger than her (sidon and link, specifically) and does her best to support zelda where she can, knowing that zelda likely views her as a senior, but she also often vant disguise the fact that she's still a child herself. she plays with sidon in the waterfall. she has a very childish, innocent schoolgirl crush on link. she's caught in between these two perceptions of herself and because she is, for all intents and purposes, mentally fifteen years old, she doesn't quite know how to handle it. The fact that zora live on a totally different time scale compared to other hyrulian races isn't something that would normally pose much of a struggle for them, because zora's domain is deliberately isolated from those other races. zora could likely go a generation or two without ever needing to interact with non-zora at all, beyond the occasional stray traveler. (remember how when you're working your way towards zora's domain post-calamity, you meet a bunch of zora who are super excited to see a hylian at all? most of those zora look to be in early adulthood, meaning by my math they'd be about a hundred years old. post-calamity, zora's domain clearly returns to that same brand of isolation, so most of these zora have probably never interacted with a hylian at all.) but because mipha happened to be born into such a turbulent era, she finds herself having to interact with these other races more than basically any zora ruler might have had to for the past several thousand years. which is why she has so much trouble with link. from her perspective, he changes SO fast. she meets him one day a wide-eyed child and the next he comes back to her a silent, traumatized soldier. she's hardly aged a day but he has experienced a lifetime of things she can't begin to understand and she has NO IDEA how to talk to him anymore. When they interact, she switches awkwardly between treating him like the child she knew and attempting to fix the trauma he's been through without her, but it's always with the goal of getting things BACK TO THE WAY THEY WERE. she is completely incapable of moving on from the past relationship with link that she remembers because as far as she's concerned, it's only been a miniscule amount of time since then. due to the nature of her race, mipha is basically doomed to be stuck in a past that link can never return to. god. i wish they explored her character more in-game im going to lose my mind

urbosa is SUCH a good character. agh. her narrative purpose is essentially to be an actual POSITIVE mentor to zelda, which. let's be honest. without her that poor girl would absolutely not have made it to seventeen. jesus christ. Anyways urbosa is everything zelda wants to be. A strong, independent, powerful ruling force that her people rely on and look to in times of need. she is completely self-assured and confident and she is quite honestly literally the only positive influence on zelda's life. Urbosa is a character well into adulthood, who we can assume has long since grown into herself and found her way. Which is why she is SUCH an important character for zelda, yes, but for ALL the young champions who are just. so desperate for a positive force in their lives. She's so GOOD at what she does, too. urbosa is a woman who was meant to be a mother in one way or another, i think, because the way she handles the kids she's working with is really thoughtful and well-done, ESPECIALLY when compared to the other dogshit adults in their lives. She allows zelda more compassion than anyone else has ever seen fit to give her, and when zelda DOES mess up, urbosa offers gentle but firm redirection. (in aoc specifically, she notices zelda comparing herself to link and immediately shuts it down, WITHOUT making zelda feel stupid or inferior.) she does the exact same thing, albeit less overtly, with link, who she obviously has a lot of compassion for despite being kind of at odds with him over zelda. I think she and link are actually incredibly similar characters--stubborn, a little bit showy, and generally unwilling to admit defeat in any situation. She's uniquely positioned to be able to relate to both him AND zelda, as a ruler AND a soldier. And i think she's completely aware of how similar she is to link, which is why when she pushes him, she does it in a calculated way so that he never takes it as a challenge or an attack. she never outright tells him "this is why zelda dislikes you, you need to work on your communication skills" she talks to him about zelda's childhood in plain terms because she knows that breaking down link's mental wall between himself and zelda by evoking empathy is the way to get the two of them to fucking COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER. i really think every game should have an overwhelmingly positive female mentor figure like urbosa. she is so good

in relation to urbosa, we then have riju, the youngest and only female of the new champions. she is fourteen years old and she has been thrust into a position of leadership and she works so hard to project that same confidence and maturity that was urbosa's staple. and to her credit she ALMOST gets there but she's fourteen and no fourteen year old is capable of performing adulthood perfectly. Riju's projected personality feels very much like she's regurgitating stories she was told about her ancestors. Urbosa was strong, urbosa was fearless, urbosa commanded lightning, urbosa stepped up to serve the knight and princess when asked. but, crucially, urbosa was not fourteen. riju's insecurities about filling urbosa's shoes are incredibly evident, but she seems to do her best work when she drops the pretense and acts as herself. there's a reason she had us fight naboris on sand seals--they're a source of comfort to her. something she KNOWS she can act confident about. there was no acting involved in her pursuit of naboris--she KNEW she was good with that seal. there's also something to be said about the successor to urbosa, the mentor, being an inexperienced little girl. riju clings to the stories of the champion chief who came before her because she desperately needs a mentor. I wish urbosa could meet her for real she deserves a mom

impa. i. well i wish 90% of her characterization didn't come from hyrule warriors bc i honestly dont like how she was written all that much. i think they had a really strong framework to build off of in botw but aoc just kind of. took it in a direction i wasn't a huge fan of. anyway. impa is sheikah, a race descended from the original protectors of the goddess hylia. Interestingly, in botw the sheikah have been almost completely integrated into hylian society, with kakariko village being mostly sheikah who live like regular hylians. it seems like very few of them actually follow the ways of their ancestors, in contrast to other games where sheikah were only ever warrior bodyguards of the goddess hylia's bloodline. Impa is, presumably, one of the few sheikah who continues to follow the teachings of her ancestors and serve the royal family. this... honestly causes a dillemma if you think about it for more than a few seconds, because, since most sheikah live as regular citizens now, in place of sheikah bodyguards the hylian royal family has an extensive royal guard, eliminating the need for sheikah warriors like impa almost entirely. i can only assume this is why she was relegated to basically 'haha funny quirky ninja sidekick' in hyrule warriors. but personally i think it would have been much more interesting to use this as a commentary on the state of hyrule and even to give her some more obvious internal conflict!! hyrule has until now been in a ten thousand year era of peace. it's no wonder most sheikah settled down and gave up on the whole bodyguard thing. they might have even believed there wasn't going to be another demise incarnation for them to take action against, especially after ten thousand years without any whisper of conflict. to most sheikah, pursuing their traditional martial arts and continuing to serve the royal family would likely begin to feel like a waste of time. for some reason, though, impa didn't feel this way. ten thousand years after the last conflict between demise and hylia's descendants, impa still chooses to train as a sheikah warrior and serve the royal family. why?? my personal headcanon is that she was drawn to the myth of ancient hyrule in the same way that purah was drawn to its technology. purah is the more obvious nerd of the sisters, but i think impa's choice to pursue sheikah martial arts HAD to have its basis in an interest in the creation myth. She is also one of the few characters in botw who explicitly KNOWS and can convey to you the myth in its entirety, or at least, as much of the myth as had survived by the time she began studying it. So here we have a young sheikah girl who is incredibly interested in her own culture as it relates to the myth of hyrule and she's basically singlehandedly attempting to revive a part of it that's been nearly completely lost, all amidst this incredibly tense political environment in which her peoples' past inventions are also being dug up and revived by the royal family with like... seemingly very little care to the context in which they were made or why they might have been buried in the first place. like, in this climate which shows a subtle but obvious disregard for her culture, impa is loudly, deliberately returning to her roots. that's SO INTERESTING!! if aoc had leaned into it more, we could have had moments where impa contemplates her place among the royal guardsmen and the champions--she's not quite one of them, but they have a mutual goal and, in the case of the champions, their lives are all deeply intertwined with the myth of hyrule; or even a bit of commentary on the political climate of hyrule pre-calamity and how fucking horrible it was. i REALLY wish they had explored this more it could have been so cool

PURAH. people think im insane when i tell them shes in my top five loz characters of all time but i am literally obsessed with her i dont care that shes a random new addition to botw only. i think she is a really interesting way to introduce and lead into the idea of ancient sheikah technology. considering how important ancient sheikah tech is to the worldbuilding of botw, giving the player a sheikah scientist guide to walk you through it all is a smart way to go about introducing it. beyond that, though, i think as a character she serves as a reminder of hyrule before the calamity--cheerful and carefree despite the obvious dark implications of her actions. when you first go to meet her you find out along the way that the kids in hateno are scared of her; they think she's a ghost or something along those lines. she is eccentric and strange and she just sort of... glosses over the entire series of events that led both her and link to their present situation, because by de-aging herself, accidentally or not, she has become stuck perpetually in the mindset of pre-calamity hyrule. She still views sheikah tech as something interesting to be studied and played with while most sane people in hyrule view it as nothing but an incredible danger. she's super intelligent, but can't quite break out of the scientist mentality enough to acknowledge the harm the tech she so obviously loves is capable of causing. the de-aging and the bubbly personality are likely a coping mechanism, i think, though maybe not a conscious one. she's remaining frozen in time forever, deliberately refusing to think about the damage she might have caused. I don't think she's ENTIRELY in denial though, if only because she helps link when he asks for it. she's been waiting for a hundred years, never quite sure if the shrine of resurrection worked or if she laid link to rest forever in that cave, so she does whatever she can to keep living, preparing for the worst. When link DOES reappear, it's a genuine shock, to the point that she cant quite let go of the denial she's been using to keep herself going for the past 100 years. but just because she expected the worst doesn't mean she can't work with a better outcome, it just means she isn't quite prepared to deal with it perfectly, which is why she seems frozen in time when you interact with her in botw.

[bihansthot]

I’m probably not going to be around much today lovelies, as I mentioned earlier in the week it’s the 25th anniversary of my heart transplant and ngl it’s weird. I’m in a weird place today, I’m trying really hard not to be sad or upset or think about how traumatic that night was. I don’t remember a lot about the night but I remember the phone ringing late at night maybe just after midnight and I remember going into my parents bedroom, they didn’t have to come get me, and I said “it’s time”, I just knew it as soon as I heard the phone and they confirmed it and we relatively calmly got our stuff and drove to the hospital. I had no idea what I was getting into and had I known, I would have not reacted as calmly as I did. I remember they had to draw blood before the procedure to use during the operation, I remember it taking over 25 attempts to get all the blood they needed and I was sobbing, I was in so much pain and I absolutely hated getting my blood drawn as a kid and while 14 isn’t exactly a little kid anymore it’s certainly not an adult either. I still remember the nurse who was there with us, she had a very distinct, raspy voice despite being quite young and to this day people with that type of voice bring back this very unpleasant memory. I don’t remember anything after the blood draw, they give you medication to help you forget traumatic operations and it doesn’t get much more traumatic than a heart transplant. I don’t really remember much of recovery either, I do remember how painful it was when they made me walk though. I wanted to go home and they said I had to walk to the end of the hall to go home and if I couldn’t do it they would keep me at the hospital another day. You better believe I dragged all my various IVs and monitors down that hallway in an instant. My incision was bleeding afterwards and I felt like I was going to collapse but I held that shit together like the stubborn ass I am and gave them a smile and told them it was nothing and I was ready to go. Shockingly they didn’t notice the bloody incision or my clear exhaustion and I was allowed to go home after only 7 days which at the time was a record. The weeks and months that followed were absolute agony, a heart transplant is a ridiculously painful procedure the only time I’ve ever been in more physical pain is when I threw up from my painkillers after having my tricuspid valve replaced 10 years ago. It was awful, I couldn’t even wash myself, I had to have my mother give me a bath like I was a five year old and that was humiliating but I couldn’t do anything about it, it was just too painful to move my arms to wash myself when my whole sternum had been ripped open and was now held together by twist ties and super glue. Then there was the near constant pain from the weekly biopsies to check for rejection, they basically jam a catheter into your neck and then rip little chunks of your heart out to check to make sure your body isn’t rejecting the organ. On top of all that I gained so much weight from the medications and steroids I was on and my mother was an absolute monster about it. We had a very bad very toxic relationship during this time, she ridiculed me constantly but I depended on her for so much that I couldn’t do anything about it. I was so miserable and wanted nothing more than to die. I don’t want to get to into it though but it was really hard so trying to think positively about today is really difficult but on the positive side of things I’m still here. I made it through all that hardship, all that struggle, all that physical and mental anguish. I survived. For 25 years I have survived and while everyday hasn’t been easy, I didn’t give up. I guess I deserve to celebrate that at least even if I don’t like dwelling on all the misery I’ve endured. So, happy anniversary me, you’ve done the best you could and deserve a nice celebration. I know a lot of you lovelies aren’t going to read this but if you do, thank you, I appreciate you taking the time to get to know me outside of being a horny Bi-Han fangirl. 💙

[gods-of-kanto]

Mono @ SM! Ash

"So... I heard that you sometimes have... (Ugh... what was the word...?) "Moments" I guess? Where you can only see Aura? (I hope I said that right.) How exactly do you deal with that?"

He pauses

"Also, what exactly do you ask someone if their aura isn't quite human OR Pokemon? How would you bring that up to them?"

It seems he doesn't know much about Aura, let alone his own abilities.

[Ngl I didn't know how to word this and I was kinda just winging it I hope it doesn't sound weird]

Ash: I think ive explained this before or Peach has, either one of us but-

Ash: There is no such thing as other aura. Theres aura, no aura or dead aura.

Ash: Dead Aura isnt what you think it is. It's not red or pink or any other color you can think of. It's just a Very desaturated blue only within Ghost pokemon. They arent living, but they arent dead. Aura is within living creatures and Ghost Pokemon are still alive in a sense, hence why they have 'Dead Aura'

Ash: If it showcases in any other color or if it looks weird, take them to a hospital. They more than likely have a sickness or disease within the physical body. Unfortunately, Aura doesnt have any indication on mental illnesses.

Ash: If a living person is starting to showcase Dead Aura, take them to a hospital and start with your last goodbyes.

Ash: As for dealing with this, Its literally just adjustment periods. The washes of blue are harsh on the eyes. Just be careful abd dont move until you can either see again or when the aura doesnt hurt anymore.

[hornsketch]

hey there! ive finally made an art blog! im going to try post more just… stuff, as usually i reserve my art posts for either special occaisions or specifically public-oriented works, and it kinda bums me out to not just have a place to dump my art anymore, so here you go!

(more details and helpful info below!)

who are you?

in hopes of providing some relevant lenses to view my work through, ill give some personal details here. if these lenses dont suit your interpretation of the work, thats alright! view as you please, though i do still think these will always be important context in said viewings.

my name is zelda (she/her) and im a queer jewish 20something who struggles quite a bit with illness both physical and mental.

ive always been kind of enthralled by impressionism and what it really means to use suggestion and spirit as a stronger tool than portrayal and form.

i have a particular draw to fantasy and magical aesthetics, especially the world-building within.

i am a serial overthinker, and tend to see alot of meaning and symbolism in things that plainly do not have them.

while yes i am jewish, my relation to faith is complicated. if you see me type “god” im using it in a turn of phrase with no meaning. if you see me type out “g-d” i am being religious. yes i know thats not how its supposed to work. its meaningful to me.

what will you post?

as previously mentioned, here im trying to make a concerted effort to post a broader variety of things with a wide selection in quality and topic, so unfortunately here the only real uniting theme is going to have to be that i made it. still! to help navigate the space, listed below will be a list of tags i will try to keep to, all of which this post will also be tagged as, since i know tumblr search can be finicky.

#the self and the other

these will be about me, my friends and loved ones, or possibly both

#differing mediums

these pertain to other works or universes, as well as fan content

#harsh tones

this is gonna be the rough stuff. topics will be tagged as needed.

#jaunty doodles

funny business. shenanigans, even.

#lesssfw

listen this blog is for a wide breadth of content, so please if you do not want to, or otherwise should not be seeing mild to moderate nsfw content (i dont rlly plan on posting straight up porn here) block this tag.

wait— is there anywhere you do post more direct nsfw?

maybe, yeah. but before any of that i would like to set some ground rules. these are my spaces for me to share my work for others to see. if you arent a fan of what i post, ill make no attempts to dissuade you from that. your discomfort is your right. I would however request that you dont make your discomfort an issue i am epxected to remedy. ill have no harsh feelings if you arent a fan of my less safe for work content, or even anything it may tangentially relate to, and need to take the necessary steps to curate your experience in those regards. i will be far less than happy if people cant behave because i post content that is not to their personal tastes, within reason.

all of that being said, yes, if you are an adult fan of my other work, feel free to check out @shinyspadetiptail

do you take commissions?

yeah, usually. im not really at the point where i have to close and open them for availability reasons, so shoot me a dm and ill usually be able to give you a response pretty quick on.

price tends to vary by project, and i always set $20 per hour of canvas time as my baseline, but generally simpler stuff like limited detail icons and emojis run in the $20-$30 range, while fully detailed halfbodies tend to run in the $40-$50 range, and fully done fullbodies range more $70-$80. aside from that, backgrounds are a little too context dependent to put a full price estimate on and extra characters can and will cost extra.

usually whatll happen is after laying out the basic price range we’ll talk, and ill thumbnail until we have smth we can agree on, and once weve got an idea of what were going for ill give an estimate that ill try to stick close to, barring any major changes or complications. from then on ill try to send updates whenever i work, and then when im relatively close to finished ill ask for the payment either through paypal or cashapp, after which ill send on the finished piece and any expected variations. in some cases, this may be changed, and payment may be done half at the start, and half when relatively close to completion.

[ichijager13]

Teach me how to be loved

Chapter IV

For a little piece of heaven

Pairing : Eren Jäger x reader

Characters: Eren Jäger, Annie Leonhart, Pieck Finger.

Tags: Unhealthy copping mechanism, unhealthy relationships, childhood trauma, physical and verbal abuse, self-esteem and trust issues, domestic violence, implied/ referenced cheating and a touch of sweet, lovable and non fuckboy Eren Jäger

Masterlist, AO3,  Playlists : Reader’s POV, Eren’s POV

A/N: Hello, first of all, I would like to thank you for reading my story and for all the support you are giving the fic. it warms my heart and motivates me to give you more. From now on I will update the story twice a week, Mondays and Thursdays.

PS: I am not a german speaker so if you ever spot tippos don't hesitate to let me know.

You readjusted your glasses for the hundredth time this afternoon. You spent most of the day in your study working on your latest project. Tapping your bottom lip with your pencil you tried to decide if the design was put together or if you need to open a new file and start all over again. You were so far gone in your thoughts when you heard your phone buzzing. Someone was calling you, Eren was calling you.

“Hello”. You spoke massaging your blurry eyes.

“Hey, how are you doing?” You felt micro shockwaves creeping up your spine when you heard his deep voice from the other end of the line.

“Fine, how about you?” You replied after what seemed to be an eternity to you.

“Doing well, thanks. So, about the sketchbook”. You closed your laptop and focused on his voice. “Does tomorrow work for you?”

“Yeah, I’ll be at work”.

“At what time do you finish?”

“4 PM”.

“Okay, I’ll text you before I come”. He added before wishing you a good evening and hanging up.

You spent the rest of your Sunday trying to finish your assignment.

 Once he finished signing all the papers his secretary left him and all his meetings, he left his office heading to his best friend’s company. He sent you a message as soon as he arrived. “I’m at the parking lot”. The message read.

You were about to leave your desk when you felt your phone buzzing in your pocket. Once outside, your eyes scanned the parking lot looking for him. Frowning, you pulled out your phone.

You were about to call and ask where he was when you heard a panting voice coming from behind you. “I was on the other side. I saw you heading this way”. He tried to catch his breath before handing you a paper bag. “I went through it; I hope you don’t mind”. He confessed watching you flipping the pages of the notebook before putting it back inside the paper bag. Your lips curved up when you noticed the box of chocolate he slipped inside the bag.

“No, I don’t”. you looked up at him. “Thank you, it’s my favorite”. You followed.

“You are quite talented”.

“Thank you, Euh… I was thinking…”. You mentally kicked yourself for stuttering. “I would love to… Can I offer you a drink or something to thank you for bringing it back”. You were shifting the bag from one hand to another. “If you are free, of course”. You spoke consciously giving your brain the chance to process each word you uttered.

“I know a quiet place not far from here”. He had to double his efforts to repress the smile threatening to make its way across his lips when he noticed you were slightly blushing.

“Lead the way”. You mumbled.

 “You know I thought you were Annie’s friend”. He spoke, after ordering. “I didn’t know you work for Armin”.

“I am in fact, friends with Annie, we used to work together before she got married”. You clarified. “We know each other for six years now”. you followed. “I met Armin through her, and though they firmly deny it, I’m positive she suggested for him to hire me”.

As the hours tick away, you understood why you never could resist him. Eren was a cheerful person and fun to be around. The conversation was reaching an interesting point when you were interrupted by his ringtone. “You can take it, I don’t mind”, Noting he was hesitating, you said smiling.

He flashed you a smile before taking the call. “Halo, mutty… Was ist los? (Hello, mom… what’s wrong?)” He asked alarmed. “Wo? (Where?)” Another silence. “I’m on my way, mach dir keine Sorgen. (Don’t worry)”. He added. “I’m sorry, I have an emergency, I need to go”. He spoke after he hung up. “I’ll make it up for you later, I promise”. He followed standing up and you simply nodded. He shot you an apologetic smile before paying for your consumption and leaving the coffee shop.

 “Good evening, I’m here for a patient, a young girl, she arrived minutes ago, a four-year-old girl”. Words were spilling out of his mouth.

“Name please”. The receptionist asked.

“Sophie Jäger”. He nervously tapped his food.

“Yes, she arrived ten minutes ago, sir. The doctor is seeing her now”.

“Where?”

“I’m afraid you can’t…”

“I’m her father”. Losing his calm, he cut her and handed her his ID.

“The second stand on your left”. She replied.

 “There, there sweetheart”. The nurse cooed. “We will be done in a minute”.

“Vater”. The girl’s eyes welled up with tears when he came into her field of view.

“It’s alright, mein liebling. Ich bin hier jetzt (I’m here now)”. He kneeled in front of his daughter holding her small hands. “I’m her father”. He spoke to the nurse doing her bandages.

“There’s nothing to be worried about, Mr. Jäger. The doctor has prescript a pain killer and medicine in case she got a fever”. She caressed the girl’s hair smiling fondly. “The cut needs to be cleaned every two days”. she glanced at the dark-haired man facing her and then at the middle-aged woman. “Accidents like this happen often, right Mrs. Jäger? She will be alright”. She smiled when Carla nodded.

“But her face is swollen”. His voice was filled with concern.

“It’s a normal reaction. It will be gone in no time”. She reassured him. “And we’re done, you are a brave girl, Sophie”. She offered the toddler candy before handing the prescription to Eren. “See you on Wednesday”. She smiled at her once again before heading to the next patient.

“What happened?” Eren asked Carla.

“Sie spielte mit ihrem Fahrrad, als sie hinfiel. (She was playing with her bicycle when she fell)”. His mom answered helping her granddaughter put on her jacket. “Ich war drinnen, als es passierte. (I was inside when it happened)”. She added smoothing her hair before pecking her cheek. “Ich eilte nach draußen, als ich sie weinen hörte. Zum Glück war Sieg zu Hause. He drove us here. (I rushed outside when I heard her crying. Luckily, Sieg was home)”. She looked up at her son. “It was him who did her stitches”.

He pressed his lips to his mother’s forehead before picking up his daughter. “How about we go home? Ich bleibe über Nacht. (I will stay over tonight)”. He said cheerfully.

“Will you read me a story?” Sophie stared at her father with big pleading green eyes.

“Of course, my princess”. Once in the car, he sent his brother a message thanking him and letting him know they are leaving. “wer will Eis? (Who wants ice cream?)” He asked leaving the parking lot. Both grandmother and daughter rose their hands, lips curved into a bright smile.

 “Vatty”.

“Ja, mein hase?” he ran a hand across her face checking her temperature, relieved she doesn’t have a fever.

“Tell me a story about mutty”. She asked.

He put her to bed and tucked her blanket under her chin before taking a deep breath. Sophie didn’t get the chance to know her mother who passed away during labor. Alongside Armin, Mikasa was Eren’s childhood friend. They all grew up together and eventually, Eren fell in love with her. They got married after Mikasa graduated from school and a year later Sophie was born.

While she had her father’s bright eyes, Sophie was the spitting image of her mother.

“See the plushie that looks a little like me?” He pointed at a toy set on her nightstand, she nodded. “deine Mutter hat es für mich gemacht. Wir waren in deinem Alter. (it’s your mother who made it for me. we were your age)”. Amazed, her eyes sparkled. “Your grandma was good at sewing, that’s how Mikasa learned”.

“Und oma?”

“No, she’s not”. He snickered. “aber das soll unter uns bleiben. (But this should stay between us)”. He whispered, trying to sound serious.

“Okay”. She giggled.

“Do you pinky promise?”

“Ja”. She held her finger to seal the promise. “Vatty”. He hummed in response checking her bandages. “Sleep in bed with me, bitte (please)”.

“Okay, Lass mich einfach meinen Schlafanzug anziehen. (Just let me put on my pajamas)”. She nodded visibly happy.

“Still up?” He frowned noticing his mother was still in the living room.

“I was waiting for you”. she answered. “schläft sie? (Is she sleeping)” he bobbed his head taking place on the opposite sofa. “Es ist schon eine Weile her, seit du hier übernachtet hast. (It’s been a while since you spent the night here)”. She added.

“sie bat mich, ihr eine geschichte über Mikasa zu erzählen. (She asked me to tell her a story about Mikasa)”. He closed his eyes. “I told Ymir I’m taking the day off tomorrow”. He followed.

“That would be nice”. Carla commented. “Er vermisst dich sehr. (She misses you a lot)”.

“Ich vermisse sie auch aber mein Zeitplan lässt es nicht zu.... (I miss her too but my schedule does not allow me to…)”.

“I know, liebling”. She cut him. “Go back before she wakes up”. she offered him a genuine smile.

“Gutte nacht”. He pecked her temple before going upstairs.

 After checking once more his child’s temperature he slipped under the blanket next to her. Feeling her father’s presence, Sophie let go of her plushie -the one Mikasa made for him- and scooted closer. She buried her face in his neck mumbling undistinguished words. He caressed her dark locks smiling. “Schlaf gut, mein Hase, Daddy ist hier, um dich zu beschützen. (Sleep well, my bunny, daddy is here to protect you)”.

Drifting to sleep, he remembered you. he smiled recalling your flushed cheeks when you invited him. he made a mental note to text you tomorrow morning.

[ffsg0jo]

HOLD AWNNN, THE ENDING OF AOT WAS GOOD THO (said with love)

LMAOOOO i love the (said with love) bit thanks bestie. im replying with a long response, but i promise i too am saying this with love !! 🥰💖

im gonna be completely honest when the manga ending first came out. i was defending isayama with my life. i didn't really like the ending, but that was my og, so i sucked it all up and tried to like it. but ive matured, and ive accepted that it wasn't the best ending in terms of actual writing.

reading the manga, it was actually so so good right up until the last chapter. all the chapters before the last one was honestly 10/10 in my opinion. would've been one of the best mangas ive read. i remember waiting months for the final chapter, and when it came out, my heart sank. i wanted to cry for all the wrong reasons.

ill list all the reasons why i didn't think it was a good ending under the cut and you can read them if you want but i just wanna say i am absolutely NOT shitting on anyone that enjoys the ending or isayama or anything. im actually really glad you like it, and it's all personal opinions/ preferences anyway.

plus he's apparently releasing chapter 140?? so we'll see what isayama does with that.

I don't hate it because Eren died or because Mikasa was the one to kill him. I actually quite liked this aspect, and it feels very fitting. The same goes with Armin and Eren's talk. I love that we got to see more of their differing views and opinions on freedom. But there's a lot of other things I disliked.

Eren for some reason, turned into a whiny baby, not wanting mikasa to move on. Like we all knew that he loved her since the very beginning and its so so obvious. But instead of showing that in a meaningful way, he's like, NOOO SHE CAN'T MOVE ON !!!!!! like bro cmon now you're grown

Reiner's character regressed last minute, and it completely ruined his development. Like, I know it's been three years, but why is he thirsting over historia and sniffing the letter she wrote. We literally saw him shove a gun in his mouth, wanting to kill himself and suffer from extreme PSTD. It feels like isayama wanted it to end on a lighter note even though his protagonist was killed. And he did it at the expense of other characters. All the love I had for reiner lowkey went away when I saw him do that.

Jean and Mikasa getting together. It's heavily implied that she never got over him and is even buried in the scarf he wrapped around her. And it doesn't sit well with me that she got with Jean, knowing he's second to a dead guy. I wouldn't have minded them being together if the circumstances were different. Mikasa healed and moved on, or her and Jean got closer and bonded over their trauma and everything they lost. But she clearly didn't move on from Eren, and I personally think Jean deserved better than that.

Annie basically getting off scot-free, and her getting with Armin. I'm not gonna explain this one too much, but out of all the traitors, she's the only one that had no/little remorse. And the fact that she got with Armin just rubs me the wrong way. I respect the hustle, but I wanted her dad to die or something she needed to suffer a little more.

Historia ends up with a man (like bffr now cmon). This one's pretty self-explanatory, but you're telling me she seriously got pregnant and settled down with a man? I read fan theories/predictions at the time that were 100000× better than what isayama did to her.

Everyone's characters just went back to their season 1 version, and I hate it. They suffered so so much went through such tragedy but came out relatively mentally unscathed? I feel like the only person who's truly suffering the effects of it, mentally and physically, was Levi. I did really like Levi's ending, though. It was tragic but fitting. And the fact that he's with Gabi as well I really liked that.

anyways like i said people have different opinions and it's totally fine if you don't agree with me !! hope you're having a wonderful day nonny and thanks for popping in <33

It wasn't a bad ending, but it wasn't a good ending either. I liked about 40% of it, but that's about it. It's been nearly 3 years since I've seen the ending, though, and this is just from memory, and I've tried to be as brief as possible.

If I revisited it, there could be more things that I like/dislike. idkk. I also haven't watched past half of season 4 part 1 of the anime, so if anything changed in the anime ending, I'm not too sure about that. i'm speaking purely from the manga ending.

[skadream]

Rudy's Book Reviews: You Will Get Through This Night by Daniel Howell

yeah thats right im gonna be a phannie on main for a second. this is the start of my book review series which i hope to actually folow through with lol. this one ive been listening to as an audiobook but i do have the physical copy as well cuz im like that! next review will hopefully be gideon the ninth so tune in for that, but for now, read this review under the cut:

this book is a practical mental health guide, honestly a lot of it is stuff that you can learn in therapy so like if you have a therapist that you like then maybe its not worth it BUT theres like slim pickins for mental health books that arent just anecdotal evidence without actually talking about what people did to help them get better, just "yea i was sad but then i got therapy ✌️" or books that are so couched in psychiatric jargon its hard for a layperson to get into OR just vaguely inspiring bullshit.

its all written with the help of an actual licensed psychologist person, so no bullshit, no just do yoga and drink water shit (although obviously exercise and hydration and physical health are talked about) and yes he mentions medication and LICENSED therapy if those end up being necessary steps to take with your mental health!!! which again, in the world of self help type books, tends to be rare advice which is DEPRESSING IN A DIFFERENT WAY LMAO.

ofc it should go without saying that a book can never be a replacement for therapy but Considering How The World Is, this book is good for like maybe stepping into learning some coping skills as well as figuring out a plan before, during, and after crisis mode. i would say the tone is more serious than humorous but dan puts a lot of his own natural snarky sarcasm stink all over this book which obv that can be a taste thing if youre not into brit sarcasm mode but as a One Of Those i like it lol

in terms of Dan And Phil™️-isms, theres a sprinkling of cute winks and nods and inside jokes that people who drew sharpie cat whiskers on their faces as teens would understand but Normies will not find to be out of place or anything, there's also some storytimes of like his previous tours or living as a dropout youtuber being stress-inducing and things like that but not a ton which i kinda prefer cuz it makes it easier for me to recommend this book to people who dont give a shit about Phandom Memes

theres an introduction which is kind of a short summary of who dan is, basically just summarizing his youtube videos talking about depression and when he came out as queer and all that fun stuff, if youre a psycho hardcore fan person like me you might find it to be a long and unnecessary read, but if youre someone who didnt know about this guy and are curious as to why he would even write a book like this its a pretty good synopsis.

the american cover has dan's stupid face on it, and as someone who is a big fan of dan's stupid beautiful face, i wish we had the EU version with like tasteful yellow stripes on it bc it looks so nice, but i mean i just keep it on my bookshelf with the spine showing which is just a nice yellow spine with the title and looks unassuming so its not THAT big a deal lmaoo.

in terms of the audiobook, dan's voice is quite soothing and there's all these like audio cues and fitting music which i really like. the only downside is, for example, he reads out this timed breathing exercise that is meant to be like a five minute exercise, but it's not actually timed? so like i want to do the breathing exercises along with him reading it out but he reads it so fast its kinda like bro slow down you said breathe in for five seconds why you going ahead two seconds later homie. thats my only criticism i think obv if you are reading it and not listening you can just do the exercises by timing yourself lol.

ummmm idk if im gonna give a number at the end of these reviews!!! i give this book a big thumbs up!! 👍 woohoo yeah baby i am very proud of dan's current life journey thing that he's going on and i think this is a great book for people who need help which is everyone alive today right now :)

[angeldiaries777]

trigger warning mental health, online addiction. personal stuff!!! i don't want to post anymore. part one of two.

i don't want to try so hard anymore. going to be real here for a sec i don't like my life. i don't like who i am. i don't like this app. i don't like this world or any of the people in it. i do need help. i need a lot of help. i don't like this blog anymore. its not fun. its not carefree. its just something i do now subconsciously with zero effort. its not me. its not cool. i don't like it. i'm not enjoying it at all. since i deleted quite literally every other app this is where i go on for everything. and thats just toxic. i am not having fun like i said a thousand times before. i just want my thoughts and things i liked at the time to be docutmented somehwere on some account because i know i will forget. i am very miserable in my life and with myself. i know that i need to stop using this app as much as i do and same with a few others and certain accounts on websites i just have nothing left in me. i've always posted online. ive always interacted online. i've always been obsessed with watching content and consuming media books movies shows music etc etc. and i'm feeling fatigue from it. idk how many more fucking lana del rey gifs i can reblog till i lose my fucking shit for good and end it all. everything that inspired me is dull. the relationships and parasocial relationships i form with celebrities characters and people online is just plain unhealthy. especially when its causing me to ignore the ones i have in real life. i need a break. i need a break from all the media i consume. i need a break from music and from tumblr and from everything else that is slolwly rotting my brain. the attachment i have to these apps is unhealthy. the amount of time i spend on my phone or ipad or literally any other device is actually sickly. i need a break from looking at or even just holding my phone for so many hours a day. i need an actual sleep schedule and i need to not wake up at 4am and have my first thought be to open tumblr or to save pins on pinterest. i got rid of so many physical items and cut off so many people but the actual thing hurting me the most is my addiction to the internet and to media. i need to stop posting. i need to stop interacting i need to stop watching videos and movies and listening to music at the rates that i do. it is unhealthy at best and detrimental to my life and health at worst. its like those interventions they have for people with alcohol or other addictions. ive known this about myself for a long time and it only worsens the more time passes. i have issues!!!!! i have real issues in my real life that will not be solved by venting about it to my 8 followers. i need to stop. i need to sit alone with my thoughts without a podcast or an album playing in the background. i need to see what my life is like and who i am without all of this. without the things i thought i liked. the things i thought were keeping me alive and sane and healthy were actually the most destructive. i need to stop relying so heavily on things that don't exist. all these pictures and people are fake. i"m not a character or a stereotype. im a fucking person. whenever i got a negative comment i used to lay awake thinking about that. its not okay anymore. its affecting my life way too much. i don't want to think of the world and only think of what i see online because i don't love my reality. i don't want to be sad anymore. i don't want to know what that person across the world thinks of that topic or what kim kardashian had for breakfast. i want to actually live my life again for what it is and not what i wished it was. because truth be told i am very blessed in sooo many ways and i take it for granted so often. i am so much more than that sad face emoticon on somebodys phone screen. i don't want to see the same pictures of bella hadid on every fucking app with the same generic text and font over it. i don't want to consume copious amounts of self help content anymore whilst refusing to actually do any of that self help when im clearly not qualified and clearly need professional help.

[nialltlynch]

whooooo okay uhhh here's what i have for these. (and TECHNICALLY that should be ashley one and ashley two since ive already posted three but wahhhhhhhtever)

my wip fridge: the post

niall mor greenmantle piper cheating au - sorry !!!! i don't really have a snippet but basic vibes are very much some reality tv show full of the most annoying people you can think of except they meet up at a magical black market. i also have it in my head that mor, niall, and greenmantle are all vaguely the sameish age but piper is a good decade younger. (she has a vibrant social circle outside of them.) theyre not a polycule because theyre rancid and niall and mor keep saying theyre catholic and piper wouldn't want to be associated with the rest of them outside of the fairy market !!!! uhhhhm basically niall is the physical embodiment of "boobs in my mouth boobs in my mouth boobs in my mouth youre NOTHING", mor is constantly suicide baiting him (often while theyre fucking), greenmantle wants so desperately to be liked but unfortunately hes from BALTIMORE, and piper is a wannabe influencer who could totally blow the cover of the whole magical black market thing if anyone took her seriously. (she's been shadowbanned for having a dildo shaped thing in the background of one many of her photos (absolutely a dildo but that's beside the point)).

jordan blue thing (may have posted some of this before idr)

Jordan had seen Blue Sargent naked before she'd even learned her name.  

They met in a figure drawing class which did wonders for Jordan's wandering late night imagination.  Little forays that paid off during the day when Jordan came to paint.  She had pictured the arch of Blue's back and the fullness of her thighs pressed together.  There were hours where Jordan spent trying to mentally capture light falling on Blue's breasts.  

Always with an academic mind, of course.  Definitely.  When she thought of running her hands along her skin it was purely for the way Blue would react.  What color were her cheeks when she's flushed?  Was her skin soft?  Giving?  And those lips.  What did they taste of?  Mint?  Cherries?

Jordan sighed as the class came to an end.  Before the piece had been a collection of lines and shadows, her gaze too close and critical, but now, with the bell ringing, she takes a step back.She looked at her drawing: eyes downcast, shoulder shrugged in coy invitation, the curve of the back slightly exaggerated.  She couldn't quite get the hair right.  Not spiky enough, her mind supplied unhelpfully.  Jordan compared the drawing to the subject: dark brown eyes that couldn't be properly captured in charcoal and -

She was looking straight at Jordan.

Blue had shrugged on the tatty old robe and tied it loosely.  Jordan smiled and put away her supplies.

"You're the best one in class," Blue said it loud enough for other students to hear.  She didn't even bother with side eye.  Just a full on defiant what are you going to do about it look.  When the students left she turned back to Jordan and gestured to one of the easels and leaned in conspiratorially.  "There's no way I'm that toned.  A shame?  Maybe.  But it's the truth."

Jordan felt a laugh bubble up in her throat.  She made a study of Blue, not bothering to hide the way she was clearly checking her out.  "Call it artistic liberties."

"When you draw me," Blue said as she came around behind Jordan to look at her work.  "You get it.  There are things about me worth the attention and sometimes it seems like you're the only one who notices."

They turned their attention to Jordan's unfinished drawing.  Jordan wondered if Blue could tell how Jordan lingered on the lips.  The neck.  The eyes.

"I'll finish you off someday," Jordan said.  When she looked at Blue she noticed how her robe had fallen just slightly off her shoulder.  A stupid thing to notice.  A little break of skin.  Jordan had an eyeful of naked Blue on display only moments ago.  She swalllowed.

"You busy tonight?" Blue asked, turning suddenly.  "We always do this thing Wednesday nights, you want in?  Just a couple drinks.  No pressure."

Jordan thought about her apartment and the unfinished paintings drying on the walls.  Most nights were spent lost among these things, half inside her own head and half arguing with Hennessy about nothing and everything.  She couldn't remember the last time she had let herself chill or hang or whatever people called it these days.

Blue scribbled her number on an extra piece of scrap paper - this one was splattered with oils and paints that stained Blue's fingers when she pulled away.

adam and mr gray

"It's rather late for questions, Mr. Parrish," Mr. Gray says.  

Without saying anything, Adam presses the collection of papers and clippings and evidence into Mr Gray's hands.  Presented without comment. 

Mr. Gray is an interesting specimen.  The very first thing Adam had noticed about the man was his insistence on consistency.  Unflappable in a way that Adam originally had attributed to a career languishing in professorship but Mr. Gray dismissed that immediately.  His hair was gray (prematurely Adam decided after tracing the line of his jaw with his eyes for the entire first class session), he had broad shoulders and a slight limp on his left side that he was usually very good at hiding unless he had been standing in one spot for more than five or so minutes.  Which he was careful never to do.  Adam had found himself fascinated from the first.  Mr. Gray was smart and easy going but there had been something else in there as well.

Adam watches him now flip through the various bits of evidence Adam had collected over the ten days of panic over Ronan.  The tiny scuff on the surface, perfectly concealed except to an eye that was looking. Mr. Gray keeps his face mostly clear of any indication of anything at all (Adam watches his jaw closely for he knows that's where Mr. Gray keeps most of his emotions) until he reaches the very end.  Adam swallows.  He hopes it's enough.

"What do you want?" Mr. Gray finally asks, looking up.

"Resources," Adam says. 

Mr. Gray fully opens the door and allows Adam inside.  Adam's never been inside his office, never had much use for it.  It's deceptively sparse except for a grand bookcase stocked tastefully with books exactly like one would expect.  It's the trinkets that line the top shelf that catch Adam's eye.  To any one else, student or colleague, they would seem to be the collection of a somewhat quirky professor.  GIfts, maybe.  Things bought on a whim with a story gladly told but closer inspection shows Adam waht they really are.

Trophies.

Expensive things taken from hits to serve as a reminder of what life might have been.  Used to be.  Life outside of the office?

ashley 2 (actually 1)

"Okay, on three, ready? One, two - I'm gay."

Declan does not abide the rules. He looks at her with the same inconcievable confusion he always wears, his salad all skewered and dressed on his tiny fork and halfway up to his gaping mouth.

"You were supposed to tell me you're gay, too! Twinsies!"

"I am not gay," Declan says lowly, looking furtively around them.

"The warehouse," Ashley prompts. "Mr. What Do You Know About Welsh Kings? If every man in the world were built like that then maybe I wouldn't have strayed the straight and narrow but come on. Are you really not out yet? Not even to yourself? Baby, listen, you're gay."

He gently sets his fork down and crumples the fabric napkin in his fists.

"Can you just break up with me like a normal person?" he takes her hand and clasps it around her water glass. "Get it out of your system. Throw it at me and be done with it."

Ashley does not abide the rules. She tugs her hand from his, splashing a bit of water on his hands, and drinks all the sparkling water in one go.

"This was a great idea," she says. "I do love lobster."

ashley 3 (actually 2)

When pressed, Ashley might say that the happiest high of her relationship with Declan Lynch had not been the extravagent peacocking in the form of expensive dinners and pretty trinkets for her wrists and nceck.  The happiest high is a specific slice of a moment, golden hour or burgeoning dawn she can't remember, with Declan's arm draped casually along her back, hand tucked in a possessive laziness at her waist.  Ashley, when pressed, can't recall much more detail than that.  Nothing about what they might have been wearing or why or even really where they were.  There had been a snapshot of a moment where she remembered being at his side and getting a glimpse of something more than had been previously promised.

The problem with this high is that is likely had never happened.   The details too fuzzy, the things coming to light too on point.  It could have been a fabrication of a story of a memory of an old ad seen once in passing along the winding highway leading toward a city.  Ashley's never followed any of the highways into the glitz and glamor for fear of where they might lead but she did exactly once and it led her here.

Ashley can't believe what she's seeing so she calls him.  He says her name neutrally when he answers.  Short and perfunctory like a bad stage read.

"You've canceled on my every night this week.  You know what?  No.  No, I don't want to hear anymore of your excuses."

Declan is silent on the other end.  Stewing, no doubt.  Jaw tight and the muscles along it clenching down until he can't speak or move.  It's a look she's seen on him before, one very common in the Declan facial expression lexicon, one she can hear without sight.  The line dies and so the image of Declan with it.  Ashley gathers herself for another night spent much the same as the others.  All around her are the boxes organized prettily stacked against the walls, waiting for something that won't ever come.  Ashley can relate to that.

In some ways, the city hasn't been anything like her expectations at all.  In others, she feels like she should've known so much better.  It would be a very simple thing to to resent the place and yet Ashley can't quite muster up the courage.

She had taken all of her savings to follow Declan out here, a choice that at the time had seemed lifted from one of those romantic movies he dutifully watched with her some nights.  Maybe it came from the same place in her mind as her happiest moments with him.  That same script of lies.  Ashley wishes she could go back and grab her younger self, dig her fingers into her pliable shoulders, and shake and shake and shake.  She could imagine it, going back and trying to talk sense into her.  She knows she would never listen.

Declan is barely worth it.  There's a certain thread of surprsie at how easily Ashley is able to find the conclusion and hold it as her own but the more she repeats it in her head - barely worth it Declan is barely worth it Declan is barely worth it Declan is Declan is Declan Declan Declan - the easier it is to come to terms with.

Ashley wakes up the next morning to a blurb of a text.  The preview reads everything she needs to know.  

Ashley - it has been a pleasure knowing you but I'm afraid it's over.  Kindly

She isn't sure if this is the world's most droll suicide note or if she should be expecting a severence package in three to five business days.  Her minds wander the dark places where this is in fact a suicide letter.  The notifications.  The funeral.  The explanations she would have to give to his family.  Oh, we broke up, actually.  I was going to propose.  It wasn't serious.  He was my everything.  Are you his mother?  I don't think we've ever met.

It takes Ashley until the end of the evening to finally read the message in its entirety.  In the time between seeing it and reading the whole thing she managed to unpack her entire apartment, find her way to a cheap take out place only a couple blocks away, and fight with the porter about losing her key.  She entertains scenarios about what the text could be. The truth is, as is often the case, a disappointment.

Ashley - it has been a pleasure knowing you but I'm afraid it's over.  Kindly remove me from your contacts and refrain from contacting me again.  Warm regards - Declan L.

[m1ckeyb3rry]

hii !!!

just got done reading the new SITH chapter & RAHHH CORDELIA IVE MISSED HER SMMM she’s exactly what the mc needs rn, a nice breath of fresh air & someone she can talk to even tho cordelia won’t understand much of her trauma like colt & friedrich can. nonetheless, cordelia is that female best friend that the mc needs :)) even tho she’s got her boys who will do anything for her & will listen to her talk abt anything, i definitely think she could use some girl time & a break from all the war talk. i’m already loving their friendship :))

i loved the understanding between the mc & marek. them being able to understand the brutality of the war & realizing they’re more alike than they thought at first glance makes that entire scene all the more heart wrenching. through their faults & trauma, they see each other as ppl who have been hurt by war & see beauty in each other despite heinous war crimes & irreversible burn scars. truly a beautifully written scene!!

& even tho there was a lack of canon characters this chapter, i still loved it!! the trio got their much needed break before they’re thrown back into more emotional, mental, & physical trauma. i’ve probably said this before lmfao, but i just love the trio’s dynamic sm & they mean the world to me <33 despite everything they go through, they’ll have each other & that’s just smth so dear to me.

i hope ur doing well & having a great week so far! mine has been pain filled due to starting volleyball practice & not having used my leg muscles in awhile haha. it’s been a bit hard for me to walk, much less run, so i’ve been taking it easy & going slow to build up my muscles again lmao! even if my legs feel like they’re falling off, i’ll push through! 🥲

— 🪐

HIII!! you’re so right honestly cordelia is so sweet and normal y/n really needs someone like that in her life to like balance out how traumatic every other facet of her existence is now 😭 and of course colt and friedrich care about her so much but lowkey she needs a friend who isn’t in love with her if that makes sense 😫

the mc and marek scene was honestly a spur of the moment decision!! the reason this chapter took so long was because i kept rewriting it and not liking how it was turning out. in the earliest drafts the mc’s depression had actually spiraled to the point that general magath straight up had to intervene because it counted as “destruction of marleyan property” 😨 also marek was such a jerk originally i’m going to be honest 💀 but i settled on this instead and ended up really liking it so i’m glad you do too!! and that’s what i was hoping would come across for them…while yes the mc is notorious for pulling guys left and right, marek wasn’t really supposed to be an example of that. it was a complicated scene to pull off so it’s good to hear you think I did so successfully 🤞🏻

there’s about five more chapters of a “break” in the sense that we’re not quite back to straight trauma yet but at the same time, the events of those chapters are…events?? like there are things going on, characters being introduced, dynamics shifting, etc etc. it’s less focused on the mc’s internal struggle and more on the relationships between several different characters which I think will be interesting!! although the trio won’t be together quite as much in the next mini-arc, the ones after that will provide plenty of them together so it shouldn’t be too long before they’re back in action

my week has been alright!! i live in the USA so we had the time switch last week and honestly my body has not adjusted yet which means the mornings have been awful recently 😭 good luck with volleyball!! I know the feeling of being out of condition it sucks sm 🙁 listen to your body and don’t push yourself too too hard!! it’s important to relax too.

[hiddenreflections]

Like some of my abuse def happened thru abusers employing hypnosis as a tactic, but not as in some vodoo shit where it actually granted them endless control or smth, no, more as a grooming tool. Hypnosis builds rapport, hypnosis is generally build on relaxing techniques, letting your guard down, telling someone a lot about how you work, and then letting someone have a certain amount of control over what you imagine or feel in the moment. This isnt substantial control in and of itself, but its def confusing for a child to go thru these "bonding" sequences with a very practiced adult, that first flatters you and props you up - that maybe makes it feel like this is complimenting your intelligence and capacity to master mental challenges as well, theres also I think a quicker acceptance of physical touch from someone else if theyve done relaxation techniques on you or other hypnotic methods. Its not a ":0000 this person truly controls my mind now" kind of deal, but its for all intents an purpose a pretty effective grooming tool if used that way.

Like id even say abusers "believed" a little bit to much in how effective tools like that can be and def missed their mark quite frequently w/ it.

But I do also think of how its a pretty dangerous mixture when an abuser kind of .. waits on you to develop DID in response to his abuse, or atleast for you to start repressing memories to a certain degree. And then includes hypnotic practices.

Reverse engineering it, if hypnotherapy is effective in helping people w/ DID cope (and hypnotherapy is often used to help w/ DID) cause it can have such an effect and control over what alter fronts, and to explore your inner structure - then think of what can be done in regards of DID and well using hypnosis for absoloutely destructive purposes.

I think the way I remember it, it was always done with a friendly face though. There generally was the consensus if this is meant to work, my mind needs to work with them. I was asked, or alters were asked to imagine certain outcomes or situations and to respond as truthful as possible to them. It was used to strenghten already existing tendencies in alters, if an alter believed letting me remember any of the abuse would be disastrous for me, the alter was strenghtened in that belief but to the dramatic degree that if I knew, it would *kill* me, cause not a single person could life with that knowledge. So general manipulation that wouldve been infinitely effective even without any weird hypnosis shit thrown in there. But idk. Its just partially how my abusers rolled. I think because it did make repressing memories easier, though I dont have definitive proof of that.

Generally the pattern ive identified is that the abuser would for example long before the abuse itself start introduce an idea or a concept to me he wanted to make true thru manipulation/hypnosis later on. Like hed for example verbally tell me about how people who went thru war and were taken as war prisoners sometimes would go on to repress the memories of their entire captivity, and that this enabled them to life on, when otherwise they wouldve comitted suicide or lived in shame for the rest of their lifes. Then he went further and said, when someone doesnt remember what is done to them, is it really bad for a person to have harmed them? If the person gets to just not remember it and life on.

Then much later, when the abuse had already started that idea would be picked up on again and basically pushed onto specific alters who were now already suffering from amnesiac walls and limited perceiptions of reality, and then I suppose thru the use of hypnosis and relaxing language, calming words presented in a seemingly friendly, helpful appearing way. There def was an active part of imprinting on alters heavily that he deep down only wanted to protect me, and only wanted what was best for us. There was a lot of emphasis on making sure whatever alter he was doing this with was feeling very comfortable, that he was received not as hostile but as either someone to sympathize with or as some sort of wicked ally in all of this. This is to a degree id as much of a joke I feel like when I say it out loud, consider that this dude very much was brainwashing us. Like there was this very carefully orchestrated angle to it in a way that felt both very practiced, and also extremely calculating and "well-executed". In so far also well-executed that it worked. I really did not remember majority of this for most of my life lol.

At this point, and he feels very much like a stranger even as I detail what must feel very intimate to some alters, he personified him as someone that we felt sincere sympathy for, we were brainwashed and groomed in some sense into believing that we were capable of giving him something he throughly lacked and needed, that in his own words we were "special" for being able to empathise with him, and in some sense he made himself seem the total victim to his own desires and pleasures and lusts, it all was a bit set up to make us feel extremely special at a point where we had no actual concept of what he actually wanted to do to us, or that any of it was sadistic in nature. There was also this portraying himself as wanting to just find some way to act this out without creating an actual victim or leaving actual damage, in some sense he made these alters feel incredibly necessary and important in their role.

I feel its so much easier to "brainwash" and I still feel embarassed to call it that, even if it feels really accurate, specific alters that already *lack* context to the broader situation, that already only have a certain level of information by default.

But for some reason I have this absoloute fascination with the way what he did there was structured, I am fascinated with the fact that he was capable of ... literally just doing that to someone? possible to more than one person out there? Like, its horrible, its heinous, its disgusting. But its interesting also lol.

Its also frustrating because I only remember pieces of it, I remember the abuse itself better than the grooming period or the hypnosis sessions.

I for example remember him telling me after a conversation with me or smth like that, that hed try to see if he could make me forget it to some extent atleast, that hed have to really "confuse" me now and him even - still in a very friendly, almost playful manner asking me if I had any suggestions for how he could "confuse" me. And him praising me for any suggestion I made. Which is again the pattern I see with the sort of "hypnosis" that was used, its like multifactoral anyways, like hypnosis in itself did not do all that, but it def helped him do all that and get away with it as an additional tool - so its interesting for me to see just... how he thought hypnosis worked, which was mostly by getting the person to "agree" or "play into it" or "work" with him.

[tera-91]

Mid-April thoughts

I didn’t mean to take a pause in posting. My thoughts have been a jumble lately.

My pup will need to have surgery so ive been working extra hours so that I can work less during the healing process. It sucks but I would rather go through with it now than the little cuddle bug be in discomfort. Poor thing has had some rough luck in the knee genetics department.

I have also been contemplating a job change but I would have to go to school for it. So Ive been dealing with checking out everything that I need to do for that. I think if I can be patient, which for me is kind of difficult, it would be a really good thing cuz I could potentially basically make in a day what I currently do in a week. It would definitely make things easier for me. But I wont be able to complete it for a few years. So I don’t know exactly what to do with my time between now and when I would be able to start taking courses.

Another jumbled thought I have is should I take advantage of the down time to try to pursue some side quests to make a little extra here and there to build it up so that I can quit my job while I go through school. I will have to be a three quarter to full time student while doing it so working and school might be a little bit of a juggling act. Also as bad as it might sound, I would rather do side quests than my actual job. I know that for most jobs dealing with people can be completely unavoided and there are jobs where it can be which would be a plus but I just get drained both mentally and physically dealing with people.

Other things have been good though.

I think I have figured out a way around some issues I was having with my videos. I just need to be able to spend some time to edit those so that I can post them. I have a pretty decent bank of them so I can spend time with my fluff ball to make sure healing goes well.

Writing I think is going good but also having a bit of a block. While I know I said I was probably going to take a break on sanders side stories, I somehow have 3 I’ve been working on. Maybe because I feel like I resonate with Virgil so its easier to write something with him verses starting something else. I can get anywhere from 300-500 words before my brain just halts and I cant figure out where to take it. I have an idea of the beginning but the further into it the murkier it gets and I don’t know where I want to take it. Part of me wants to go a fluff route but also writing is a bit of an emotional outlet for me. So part of me wants to just follow whatever emotion I have going at the time. Whether it be anger, frustration, etc but when I take a step back to review and edit I have hesitations. I know angst is a category and an option to post but at the same time I want what I create to be an escape for someone. Would that be helpful to others to read that or could it not be.

I guess anything could be helpful to anyone. Just a little bit of internal struggle. Maybe that is what is causing the block. Also I think I have a slight hesitation to post anything short after posting 2000-3000+ stories in the past. Even my word salads have been decently long. Also I get easily distracted or something just takes longer than I think it should and I get discouraged.

I hope everyone is having a good April. The weather is finally warming up but I think it has gone a bit too far. Gone from cold straight to HOT. I was hoping to have a little more slightly warm days so that way I could spend some time hanging outside and get back into painting. Or even just to enjoy nature for more than 15, maybe 20 minutes if Im lucky before it gets too hot out there. After I post this I might go try to enjoy as much time I can tolerate in the heat. I got some good nature photos the last time I went outside with my camera. Sometimes I contemplate if I should post them on here or maybe make an Instagram account and post them on there.

[juicezone]

Saw your previous post, I am so sorry that you had a bad day. Sending you a hug 🫂 and praying to Jesus that you have a better week going forward.

I wanted to share my opinion on the situation. My mom was a former teacher and she quit teaching early, her colleagues have said the same thing- Teachers hate their jobs. The students are getting worse and worse. My mom knows of a teacher who only lasted three years before leaving teaching due to emotional strain and his own physical and mental health decline. The school systems are failing. Look up on tiktok or youtube about teachers quitting. Are you sure this is what you want to be doing with the rest of your adult life? I don’t want to discourage you but I just hate to see you working somewhere that will make you miserable. It’s something to think and pray to Jesus about.

Unfortunately, its a question i'm asking myself more and more too :( My mother is a teacher (we work at the same school actually!) and she completely agrees and says even in the younger grades (she works 3rd, im a student aide for 9th/lunch duties) she says the blatant disrespect is crushing :(

its really unfortunate because i do like 90% of the students i work with, but that 10% just... crushes me. the previous student i worked with had me crying weekly if not multiple times a week, and i genuinely get anxious if im assigned as his sub aide

but ive always wanted to work with kids (i used to play school and teach my little cousins, haha), but man...

honestly, i keep debating on what i'd need to maybe work as like... a kids science center/conservation center because i love that topic too and itd still involve potentially educating/working with kids. its just a bummer when a small percent of students mess with the joy of it yk?

like a couple weeks ago, one of the kinders at lunch was thrilled to show me he could open his thermos by himself (been having to help him all year so far) and he was so proud and i was like !!! yes!! and then a different student who struggled to read/write wrote a book with her class this year and like that was so awesome!!

i try and keep those in mind, but some days its just too much of the little things building up /sigh

you're so kind mayliz, I appreciate each and every message and notification isee from you <3

[acethatlovesdinos]

Tw: vent, female body dysmorphia? (Idk I don't have an official diagnosis). description of feminine anatomy (boobs). I'm not asking for pity, I'm just spitting words out because I feel the need to make them known. A confession, of sorts. And maybe it'll help some of you feel less alone in your own journey.

~~~~~~

I'm not pretty.

I'm aware of the fact. Never really have been. Not exactly the textbook definition of "attractive" when I look in the mirror.

I dont feel unloved, I think that's a different thing. I know i have caring friends and family who have my back, but it's still not quite what Im getting at.

I hate mirrors. Specifically the big ones in the bathroom before I shower. I look at myself, my eyes taking in every flaw.

I used to be bigger, you see, and I do feel much better having lost a significant amount of weight but that in itself brought upon an entirely new type of insecurity.

At least when I was a larger size my shape was "normal," per se, in that i expected and understood that physique well.

I had gotten a gastric sleeve surgery (make stomach smaller so you can absorb less food, thus losing weight in a more "natural" manner). Considering my morbidly obese state at the time, it was a necessary adjustment for the sake of my own health.

Dont get me wrong, I'm happy with what I've done. It's been a massive change and I feel so much better from both a physical and mental perspective.

but oh boy, I never could have expected the kind of insecurity that accompanied rapid weightloss.

it was incredible for a while, watching my clothes fit looser and feeling like I had more energy. my mental health improved drastically. truly, this was one of the best decisions I ever made, and I dont think Id change it if given the chance. I do want to make that clear, my current feelings are just a bit of a side effect.

quickly shedding pounds means that your body doesnt really get a chance to re-absorb that loose skin. what once was round, fatty pudge has now become loose, dangling flab. it hangs over my waist, accentuating my gut and making it still look larger than it is. Unfortunately, the weight I've lost isnt enough to properly constitute those surgeries to remove the loose skin that exists, so I'm sort of just...stuck with it. Im still certainly not skinny by any means, but I feel as though I'd be a size or two smaller if that extra flab wasn't there.

My hips and thighs didnt change a whole lot, so I remain with a bottom-heavy, pear shaped form with a waist several inches behind my hips. pants are a struggle to find a comfortable fit as a result.

It doesnt really strike much thought at first, but I was pretty quick to remember that breasts are composed mostly of fat and soft tissue. One of the first places to start showing a decrease in size? yeah. My chest wasn't particularly huge in proportion to my body anyway, and they only got smaller. that's a blow to the self-esteem if ive ever seen one. ever try shopping for a 40A bra? they aren't very common.

Oh, and what I said before about loose skin? that applies there too. there's no shape, it just sort of...sags pathetically. it could almost be compared to the "boobs" of an obese man with the way they sit, and the thought disgusts me.

all in all im sagging, loose, and not what someone would call a pretty sight...ever. It makes me fear the longevity and even possibility of future relationships, because who would want something like this?

my only saving grace is when I take a closer look at myself. Look closer in the mirror, look at my face. that seems to be the only part of myself im mostly okay with.

I've got a soft, round face, dusted with a natural blush and a gentle chin. my ears arent too big, and ive got a little dimple when my mouth moves the right way.

pale blue eyes provide the only pop of color on my otherwise pale, boring body, a cloudy shade of slate with a ring of green around the pupil. I dont want to sound basic, bit they really do seem to change under the sun. hooded eyelids occasionally cause makeup to be frustrating, but i only wear the stuff on special occasions anyway so it's not exactly a huge deal for me.

My glasses help to frame my face, a cute but necessary prop(bc i am blind lol), with the added bonus of helping to hide the tired circles under my eyes.

A lot of people seem insecure about their noses, but mine has been mostly unproblematic throughout my experience with it.

I've had a surprising number of people comment on my "perfect lips" (a few ladies who helped me with makeup), bringing up the defined Cupid's Bow and naturally plump shape, a soft pink hue that exists all on its own. I never really thought much of it until someone told me.

My hair has always been a fickle thing, and I've had a bit if a love-hate relationship with it until fairly recently. I've found that I like it bobbed at my chin, where its light enough that the natural curls can have a strong effect. the most product I tend to use is this nice-smelling leave-in conditioner, which just helps to tone down the frizziness. I love the way the curls frame my chin and jawline, and it coils into these thick, beautiful springs after it dries from a shower. it's so soft and I love to run my fingers through it when it's been freshly cleaned. The current color is a dark purple, that looks almost black indoors, but it nearly lights up when the sun hits it. its natural color is a deep brown, and i still do like it, I just thought a bit of color would be nice for once.

Ive got moles and marks everywhere, but that's never bothered me. the little brown spots are fun, and a few of them on my arm can even be traced into a perfect arch.

the most unique aspect of my appearance is this...little patch of tiny moles in the center of my throat. The patch is only about a centimeter in full area, and it's covered in little raised brown bumps. Oddly enough, this part of my body has never been something I felt ashamed of, as the little patch of marks were one of the many things that made me, me.

So maybe my body isnt perfect. it's not the ideal shape, nor size, nor whatever else, but I guess there's some things about it that I dont mind so much.

[liltiffy777]

So my life and before i go into all of it YES i know only I can change it and OnLy I can make things better and walk away but what fun is that and what does that really accomplish i guess me myself i look at relationships as a challenge its a big battle that the both sides try to learn and adapt to one another's ways and stupid things they do....but ive met my match with this one we are 2 peas in a pod and i say that because im noy sure who believes in astorology or what not but my bday is may 22nd his ...may 18th so we're both on the cusp of gemini and taurus so SUPER HEAD STRUNG BULLHEADED A**H**** PRETTY MUCH in a nutshell so we are way to alike in alot of the bad traits we both dont know when to quit and stop he thinks im trying to be dominant and feels i need to be with a girl but lemme ask yall something here when a man is sitting there and talking crap all about you and your people are you just going to sit there and shut up like a good girl and let it go? I bet not i tell this man daily its 2023 not the 20s no more i dont have to do as you say and what not im not a puppet and no i dont wana be the man i just was raised by a very head strung women that told me there aint nothing you can't do that a man can and im sorry i look at girls and men as equal thats all i ever expect but no im dominant and i wana be the man and i need a girlfriend like then i say its his ego and pride that im stepping on nope instantly flips it on me and makes it all me me me me me all the things i said the pride and ego yeah its me kuz my mom raised me wrong she raised me to feel i was above everyone and can do no wrong and thats false i was raised with dont ever feel there is nothing you cant do and noone is better then the next and yeah but this one is a challange for me he well lemme rewind a bit in the beginning we had some trials and tribulations we have been together 4 years now and its at the end weve beaten on each other physically and mentally because of how much alike we are and i made a few mistakes that he uses against me daily i lied about having a pen pal Still when i got outa prison is when i met him the one im with now and i didnt think nothing of it because pen pals are a thing to just waste time and something to keep your mind at bay when ur locked up and i felt bad because i was in a relationship when i went down and he left me for dead and it killed me and it took a long long time actually i still not over it and funny story my ex lives in my apartment building yeah i said god you got jokes mind you no i havent talked to my ex at all and bet me and my dude got into it because i had to say something just in case he found out himself then oh man but it still didn't matter we fight about it daily that i had him move in here and blah. Blah blah blah no i didnt but anyways yea my ex is the one i say that got away kuz of my ignorance of messing up things going to prison messed the best relationship ive had ever up and here iam miserable but to stubborn to walk away theres more but im tierd of typing i can type for days seriosuly so any thoughts or suggestions let me in on some secrets to sucess here...