#as Ive said before I like to think that they are physically and mentally quite young and mostly act on what motions theyve taken before

[arolesbianism]

Anyways incorporating new saint hcs into my semi au Sliver lore means that now saint gets to continuously experience ascending Sliver forever 👍

[mika-no-sekai-blog]

Part IV

Word count: +4300

Warnings: angst (the scene with father made me cry while I was writing it), mentions of blood and frostbites, not properly proofread (sorryyyy)

Part III | Part V

An hour later, I was still standing in front of the mirror, calling his name and trying to open the passageway to no avail. Clearly, this was the reason why I didn't need to know how to get to Kallias' chambers that Millie mentioned before, but how - for the love of Mother - was I supposed to open it? I tried pressing ornaments on the frame, I even touched the glass like Kallias did and nothing. Did he block it? Or.. did I need magic to open it?

At last, I gave up, sitting on the edge of mattress, thinking. If it could only be opened with magic, then I wouldn't be able to use it - not that I wanted to bother Winter prince in his bedroom. After I had my one and fortunately only outburst of fire magic as a child, I did everything I could to extinguish the flames within me and suppress any powers I had. I had no idea how to summon even the smallest bits of it nor how to wield it.

Eventually, I crawled under the warm blankets, mentally and physically exhausted. Yet sleep kept eluding me and I spent the rest of the night tossing around. It gave me enough time to think about, well, everything. By the time morning came, I had made several important decisions.

I thought a lot about Kallias and his feelings for Viviane, and I realized that I didn't want to stand in his way. For some reason, I already liked him quite a bit and cared for him. If possible, I'd like to be his friend and support him, maybe even help him be with the one to whom his heart belonged.

That also meant that I couldn't fall in love with him in the process, which was probably the hardest part of my plan as he was too attractive and nice. I couldn't imagine a person who wouldn't like someone like him. The fact that he was also my husband, made it even worse. While my head was clear about it, my heart kept whispering. I had no claim on him nor his feelings and I knew it. Demanding such things from him just because we were forced into marriage, wasn't right.

I was in the middle of contemplating how to refrain from falling in love with him when a knock sounded on the door.

"You can come in," I said as I sat up and hissed when a sharp pain shot through my head. Exhaustion wasn't a strong enough word to describe how I felt. After not sleeping at all, I felt weak and nauseous. I definitely wasn't in state to get up, but today was the day my father would return home and I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could.

Millie peeked in. "I saw young master and thought you might be up, milady." She frowned when she noticed the mostly untouched bed, but the dark circles under my eyes were convincing enough.

"How.. how did he look?"

"Like he didn't sleep much, I'd say." She opened the curtains, letting in the rays of morning sun. I squinted, my headache getting instantly worse.

"Uhm."

"Is something wrong? Should I get you a healer?" Millie hurried to me with worry.

"It isn't necessary," I pushed through clenched teeth. "I just need- uhm.."

"Headache, right?" Millie was immediately on her feet, running to what I guessed was walk-in closet. "I think I saw it somewhere around here," she mumbled as she searched one of the dressers inside. "Ah, there it is."

After getting my medicine, the pain subsided to a bearable level and soon I was able to stand up and change. Millie was so kind that she brought the breakfast to my room, and I wobbled to the sitting room.

"Milady, your father would like to visit you, but if you're feeling unwell, I'll tell him that you can't-.."

I put my tea down, surprised. "No, please. I'd like to talk with him, too."

With a bow, she left and soon my father appeared at the threshold. I was so relieved to see him. This was our last chance to spend some time together for a while. Both of us knew it and we both wanted to make the most of it. Father was quite worried when he saw my face, asking me a lot of questions. Unfortunately, for many of them I couldn't provide an answer. With every question I couldn't answer, his brows furrowed more.

"So at least tell me - is the young prince good to you?"

"Yesterday, he was really kind and mindful. I think we will get along well once we get to know each other better. Did you speak with him?"

"I had the pleasure. He appeared in the High Lord's office before the ceremony. When I finished speaking with his father, he offered to show me around and asked me all sorts of questions about you. I didn't tell him about your powers - that's something I will leave up to you and your judgment - but I made sure he knows about your health issues. He seemed like a good male to me. And surprisingly, so did his father."

"Yeah.. I have a similar impression," I mumbled weakly.

"He reassured me that we can see each other any time we'd like. So if something happens or you need anything, just send me a message and I'll come. If necessary, I will take you back home, my sweet girl." His eyes were gleaming with tears and I also had a hard time holding back mine.

Then we talked about anything that came to our minds, just as we usually did. It was nice to be able to do so, yet it saddened me even more. Back home, we did this almost every day. Knowing that from now on, he would be too far for maintain our tradition, hurt. After having lunch together, a servant stopped by to announce that the sleigh was ready. As we descended to the ground floor, the feeling of uneasiness I had felt last night reappeared, making it hard for me to draw a full breath.

Kallias and his father were waiting in the foyer, kind smiles on their faces. Again, I couldn't but notice how similar they were in appearance as well as behavior. Their goodbyes were so shockingly warm, as if they were bidding farewell to a dear friend and not to someone they had just met the day before, making sure my father knew that he was always welcome to come again. However, when Morena appeared, their behavior was rather reserved and aloof.

While my new family exchanged farewells with the old one, my attention moved to Kallias, whom I hadn't seen since the incident last night. Just as Millie told me, he looked tired and pale, maybe even a bit uncomfortable. His gaze was focused solely on the leaving guests. I hoped I would have the chance to talk with him later. I wanted to explain events of last night and reassure him that it wasn't his fault.

I followed my father down the stairs to the waiting sleigh. Millie, who trailed after us, stayed near the doors, giving us privacy to say our goodbyes. Morena dryly recited the parting words and got into the sleigh. Father raised a brow, experiencing her coldness toward me for the first time, but I only shook my head.

"Are you sure you can't stay here longer?"

"I'd love to, my little girl, but I need to return to the borders. Solstice is getting closer and I have to ensure every village is prepared and stocked with enough food," he caressed my cheek.

"I will miss you," I sobbed, unable to hold my tears back.

"Me too," he pulled me into a hug, protecting me from cold wind.

"I have a bad feeling about it," I admitted for the first time.

"No need," he rubbed my back. " I will write you a letter as soon as we arrive and then every day after."

"That's not the same."

"I know, believe me, I know. Without you, our home will feel so lonely and empty."

"Please, take good care of yourself."

"You too, Y/N. Be a good girl as usual and don't be afraid to let others know when you need help. Don't suffer alone. If anything, trust at least young Kallias, your husband. He swore to take good care of you and I hope he'll keep his word. Be happy."

With a last squeeze and a kiss on my forehead, father released me and got into the sleigh, taking a seat next to visibly displeased Morena. I instantly felt so cold and lonely without his presence.

The sleigh slightly jerked as it began moving, taking my only family away. Even though I was shivering, cold biting into my body, I stood there watching them until they passed the gate and disappeared into the labyrinth of streets and even long after that, until the sound of jingle bells faded into the distance. I waited a bit longer, hoping that wind would bring their distant sound multiplied by an echo in the gorge as they traveled down the narrow road to the gates, but the only things I could hear, were distant sounds of life in the city.

I tugged my fur cloak closer and slowly turned back to the castle, admiring its tall towers, so different from the castle where I grew up. My new home. My heart sank at that thought. Could I really call this place home?

The icy-cold north wind brought a few snowflakes, swirling and freely dancing in this open space, and I shivered, already losing feeling in my fingers, tears freezing on my face. The headache was growing stronger again, pain coming in waves. I took maybe three steps before I felt something warm and wet coming out of my nose.

Oh my, how embarrassing, I thought, trying to cover it with hand.

Honestly, I thought it was just snot, but when I checked my fingers, they were stained red. After that, everything happened too quickly. It wasn't my first nosebleed nor did it scare me. At that moment, my only concern was to get in quickly and find the closest bathroom. I managed to reach halfway up the stairs leading to the castle's entrance when my body swayed, my legs buckling, and world started to tilt to the side. A sharp pain blinded me and the last thing I remembered was the feeling of falling.

I was groping in the darkness, freezing and burning simultaneously. Later, I wasn't sure about it, but I thought I had dreams, flashes of light when I saw Kallias leaning over me, brows knitted together, his lips moving without making a sound. Sometimes he just sat there, watching me, sometimes he reached for something I couldn't see or gently touched my cheek.

In that state I completely lost track of time. The sense of feeling was the first of my senses to awaken. I was surrounded by warmth, comforting yet heavy, pressing on my chest and pushing me into something soft beneath me. After a while, I cracked my eyes open, blinking away the pain. This place was so bright, light pouring in through the open curtains. As my eyes adjusted, I recognized my new bedroom. How did I get here?

I search my memory, but last thing I clearly remembered was rushing up the stairs outside because my nose was bleeding. Groaning, I pushed the heavy blankets aside and sat up. Carefully I checked on myself. The dress had been replaced by soft cotton nightgown and I felt tired, but headache was gone for now as was the nosebleed.

"Thank the Mother, you are awake, milady," Millie's a bit high-pitched voice snapped me out of my thoughts. She had just come in from the bathroom, wiping her wet hands on her white apron, and she rushed to my side. "We were so worried when you suddenly passed out on the stairs. If it hadn't for young master, you could have seriously hurt yourself."

She hopped up, sitting on the edge of mattress and pressed her cool hand to my forehead and my hands. "Thankfully, the fever is now completely gone and you aren't freezing anymore. You really had us worried. Even the best healer in the castle couldn't say what was going on."

"I don't understand," I blinked in confusion. "Didn't I just pass out because of a migraine?"

"Well, you probably did, but I wasn't here the whole time and didn't hear everything the healer said. I had to leave to bring blankets and other things she ordered me to fetch. The young master spoke with her. I returned in time to hear her explaining to him that your body was burning with fever while freezing and that she had never encountered anything like that. To be honest, I don't understand much to that."

"I see.. I'm sorry for worrying you, Millie."

"It's nothing, milady. I'm happy you feel better already."

I fiddled nervously, unsure how to ask about the certain thing that caught my attention, my cheeks heating up "Millie.. umm.. You mentioned that Kallias caught me?"

Her eyes grew bigger, a wide smile adorning her heart-shaped face. Her expression conveyed a pure adoration. She placed hands over her heart, leaning closer. "You should have seen it, milady. I saw something wasn't right with you, but I knew I couldn't get to you in time. I was so scared. I already pictured you hitting the stairs, breaking a bone or even worse when suddenly, the young master appeared, right next to you. He caught you mid-air and scooped you into his arms. It would have been so romantic, if you hadn't been bleeding so much," she retold the events enthusiastically, gesturing about. It certainly wasn't the first time she had told this to someone.

"And then the young master stayed by your side all night, taking care of you completely alone until early morning when finally your fever went down," she concluded her story with a dreamy expression.

I hated to admit it, but my heart was hammering in my chest as her story unfolded. Adding random small details, she vividly described how Kallias carried me to my room, took me to the bathroom to stop the nosebleed, and then carefully placed me on the bed when the healer arrived. It was hard to imagine he would go such lengths for someone like me, but apparently he did.

I sat there, speechless, trying to convince myself that he did such things solely because he was a good person and because of the promise. Who knows, maybe father somehow tricked him into taking an oath. I knew his heart already belonged to someone else, so why didn't mine want to accept it, whispering sweet lies?

"Are you okay, milady? Perhaps you should lie back down," Millie gave me a worried look, again checking my temperature.

"I'm fine," I tried to smile. "Actually, I'd like to change and go down for breakfast."

As expected, Millie protested and I had to convince her to let me get up. An hour later, I walked into family dining room, much smaller than the one where the wedding party took place, yet impressive in its size and decor. Sets of round and long tables were randomly placed around the space, each chair and bench inviting one to take a seat and eat the delicious-looking food arranged on plates and trays in the middle of tables. Several spots were already taken by importantly looking lords, but aside from Lord Isen who delivered High Lord's message, I didn't recognize anyone.

My eyes wandered to the long table in the back of the room, near the window, and there, sitting on the bench, I spotted him.

Dressed in a uniform that seemed to be his usual attire, Kallias looked even more tired than the last time I saw him, but his posture was relaxed, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. He was immersed in conversation with Viviane, who sat next to him and was currently laughing at something.

I hesitated. Maybe I should let him enjoy those moments and try to thank him later.

Yeah, that would be for the best.

I was about to leave when Viviane looked up, her shock immediately replaced by a bright smile.

"Y/N! Come! Come and sit down, dear!" she called, making space between them for me. Kallias quickly looked me over and then looked down, that sweet smile gone. I bit the inside of my cheek. Now that they saw me, it would be strange to leave.

"Hi, Viviane.. Kallias."

Viviane patted the bench between them, her brows knitting slightly together. "How are you, dear? We all were so worried when we heard what happened. Do you feel better?"

"I'm fine now," I smiled and stepped to Kallias' other side. Surprise flashed across his features, but he moved closer to Viviane to make room for me on the end of bench. "I'm sorry for worrying you."

Viviane pouted her full lips, her gaze darting to Kallias in silent question. He slightly shook his head, his shoulders a bit tense. It took a few minutes, but at last, conversation had picked up again, with Viviane cheerfully leading it. I took it as a good sign when Kallias relaxed and continued with his breakfast, matching our pace and occasionally adding something to my plate. When it happened for the first time, I was more than surprised. He mumbled something about me needing to eat properly to get stronger and returned to his meal.

Viviane's attention focused solely on me, asking me random questions, completely ignoring Kallias. He seemed content watching her expressive face, flashing a grin here and there, though I could say that he often felt awkward and lonely, sitting between us like an invisible wall. That's why I tried to turn the conversation to him at every opportunity.

We were almost done with the breakfast when, out of nowhere, I felt an urgent need to look up. The unpleasant feeling of being watched made me turn to the doors. The person I saw there.. I didn't expect that..

My stepbrother Zima just walked in with arrogant smile, his gaze burning holes into me. All the blood drained from my face, the contents of my stomach threatening to return. This couldn't be... He was supposed to leave, so why?

Dipping his chin in acknowledgment, he headed to the table where Lord Isen was seated, his eyes still on me.

"Y/N.. What's wrong?" Both Viviane and Kallias watched me warily, probably expecting me to faint.

"W-what is he doing here?"

I didn't need to say his name. They exchanged glances. Viviane was the one to answer me.

"I heard he is so worried about you feeling lonely in your new home, that he decided to stay. Aren't you glad he's here?"

I couldn't answer. I had such a bad feeling about this. I'd never felt safe around him, but I had confidence in my father's protection as if it could hold him back from seriously hurting me. But here..? I was stripped of the only security I had in my life. What could keep him on chain here? This place was huge, full of strangers who couldn't care less about me. If he pushed me into some dark corner in a deserted part of the castle, who would bother looking for me?

The more I thought about it, the less I could control the tremor of my hands, so I put down the fork and hid them in my skirt, hoping that my companions hadn't noticed. Thankfully, they seemed to be fully focused on cleaning their plates.

After they were done, Kallias was the first to leave. Not wanting to stay in the same room as Zima alone, I hurried after him, focusing on my previous plans.

I caught up to him in one of many corridors.

"Kallias? Would you have a minute?"

He stopped but didn't look at me.

"I'd like to apologize for what happened t-that night. You have been avoiding me since then, even though it wasn't your fault."

"I hurt you," his voice was distant. Under the thick layer of ice that was protecting him from outside world, I heard hurt and remorse. "It won't happen again. I assure you."

As he said what he needed, he was ready to leave me behind. I wouldn't allow that.

"Kallias! Please, listen to me!" He froze in mid-motion, finally looking at me over his shoulder with a raised brow. Now that I had his full attention.. I lost my courage and with it, the whole speech I had prepared for this occasion vanished.

"I-.. You already know that I'm not like others. Honestly, I'm weak.. What happened that night.. if it had been someone else, they wouldn't even have noticed.. So don't blame yourself for my.. incompetence.."

He said nothing, but it was clear he didn't believe me. Well.. I had to prove my point then. Before he could stop me, I yanked the closest window open and grabbed the thick icicle blocking the view. The pain of burning was immediate and I hissed. In the blink of an eye, Kallias was next to me, pulling me away from the window.

"Are you crazy?" He kept his voice low. He checked if we were alone and then carefully opened my hand. The entire skin of my palm and fingers was red with small blisters here and there. He was mad now for sure. "Such recklessness!"

He pushed me into the empty sitting room and warded the door. Placing an armchair closer to the hearth, he bid me to sit down. The Winter prince dropped to one knee in front of me, closely inspecting my palm. He let out a shaky breath.

"I'm sorry. Thinking it's for the best to keep my distance I caused.. this," he sighed. He was having a hard time, looking for the words. "I meant to give this to you sooner, but I didn't know how-" He pulled a small container from his pocket and opened it. The well-known smell of herbs tickled my nose and I hummed, knowing what it was. He dipped a finger into the cream and with feather-light touches, he began spreading it over the irritated skin. The relief was immediate.

"Thank you, and thank you also for yesterday. Millie told me.."

"Millie?" he halted, thinking. "Ah, you mean your maid.."

He again scooped a bit of cream on his finger and continued his careful treatment.

"Would you-.." After a while, he broke the silence, mumbling. "How is it even possible that you are this fragile? I've never heard of this. It's - to be honest - hard to believe that one can get this hurt just by briefly touching a piece of ice. All the halflings I know, inherited at least some resistance to cold."

He said it calmly, without any taunts or prejudices. I wondered whom he was talking about and where he had met them. Halflings, as he referred to someone like me, were rare in seasonal courts and were always looked down upon. We were seen as a mistake of nature, something that shouldn't even exist. Solar courts, on the other hand, were quite welcoming and didn't care for one's origin - or so I read in the books my father had in his library. As a Winter prince, Kallias certainly had many opportunities to travel. He probably met them while visiting other courts.

I bit on my bottom lip, thinking how to explain my handicap without revealing the real reason - thus that it was caused by suppressing my fire magic, my true nature. "Well, it wasn't always like this," I started hesitantly. "I remember playing outside in the snow as a child, touching it even without gloves. I used to spend hours outside and my parents had a really hard time getting me inside to at least eat."

Kallias' lips curled into a small smile. He was focused on my hurt hand, but he was listening intently.

"It happened shortly after my mum died and father-.. They were mates. My father was disappearing before my eyes. I was scared I would lose him, too," shiver ran down my spine and I tugged the fur cloak closer with my good hand. Just remembering that brought tears to my eyes. Kallias sat back on his heels, his gaze narrowed at me.

"I gradually got weaker. At first, I had just less energy than before. After some time, I had to stop going out without proper clothes. Years later.. I got this weak. Fevers, migraines, nosebleeds, this," I waved my slowly healing hand.

"I see," was all he said. I could literally see that he had something on the tip of his tongue. He didn't say it aloud, though. I grew scared that I revealed too much and that he guessed the real cause. A lump rose in my throat, my pulse quickened.

He closed the container he still held, and taking my healthy hand, he placed it on my palm. "Thank you for.. your honesty," he smiled kindly, but it did nothing to settle my fear. "If you run out of this, let me know. I'll get you a new one."

I just nodded. As if sensing my unease, he reached up and cupping my cheek, caressed me. "You can trust me. No need to be hesitant or scared. I'm your husband, after all. No matter what, I'll protect you from now on."

Taglist: @tenshis-cake

[skulkiee]

HI IVE GOT PART FIVE OF THE RESISTANCE AU

ITS ABOUT ARES YAY :D

Ares hadn't been able to find his sister, or his cloak. He should have realised, walking between the pale pillars on Aeolus' island, that Athena would have taken it. He soon finds said goddess sitting at the very edge of one of the outer islands, leaning against an old stone wall, a bush of sage casting shade over her. And yes, she does have his cloak.

She hasn't noticed Ares just yet, which is rare, so he takes a moment just to watch her. The truth is that Athena hasn't been doing well since the Game, neither physically, or mentally. It's unsettling for all the Gods around her, to see her have to stop and sit down for a moment, or just seem to space out and stare blankly into the distance. It's scary just to see the jagged scars that criss cross he face and skin, trailing down her wings and arms, and her empty, grey, sightless eye.

To know that her own father did that to her. And, well, Gods aren't as close when it comes to family as mortals are, but they still care. Or they're supposed too. And to think Zeus would do this to another God, no less one of his full-god children, one of his few children that he actually made an attempt at raising, simply because he challenged her to a game and she won, well, it's terrifying. Ares is surprised that the Gods who are here at his and his sister's side are even here.

Ares sighs loudly, when he realises that Athena isn't mentally here, and walks over to her. He makes sure not to touch her broken and scorched wings when he sits next to her, under the sage bush. He sets his helmet down next to hers, and then shakes her gently.

"Hey. Wake up."

She doesn't stir. When they were growing up and she would do this, she would snap awake as soon as someone moved towards her.

Ares shakes her a bit more this time, speaks a bit louder, and her eyes open slowly. They still look a bit distant, not quite looking at him, but at least she's here now.

"You shouldn't do that now that there are rivalries going on." Ares informs her.

Athena sighs, her voice is quiet when she speaks, "I know. But i have to make sure they're okay. He's not okay, and he's still stuck-"

"Your friend? Odysseus, did you call him?"

"Yeah. And his son. Little Wolf. They both need help, and all i can do is watch." She sounds tired.

Ares sighs. Hes not as smart as she is, and can't come up with a reply to make her feel better quickly.

"I'm-" he pauses, "I'm sure the king of Ithaca will be okay. Calypso will make sure to keep a close eye on him now, she wouldn't let him get hurt. And-" another small pause, "Didn't you say that there were a pair of ghosts with him?"

"Mhm." Athena doesn't seem convinced. Apparently convincing her of something is much harder than being convinced of something by her.

"I know Calypso won't let him get hurt, but she won't let him leave either. And it's not his physical state I'm worried about, it's his mental one. And I don't know if Polites and Eurylochus being there will help that at all."

Ares knows full well that this isn't an argument he can win, and he can't just draw his sword and challenge her to a friendly duel like he would have before the Game. He sighs again and changes track.

"Why do you care for mortals so much? Especially these two."

Because she's always seemed to care for mortal company more than Godly company, and no one he's spoken to has ever understood it. Athena's spent amounts of time away from Olympus and any other Gods in order to spend her time with the chosen mortal of that time, and always seemed a little quieter after they inevitably died of old age or fell in battle or to sickness.

"Because they care." Athena wraps his cloak tighter around herself, the swaths of fabric almost completely covering her.

Ares still doesn't understand. And he's about to ask something else, when loud, and very identifiable laughter sounds just across the island. He rolls his eyes, and puts his helmet back on, standing and walking around the wall and shrubbery until he knows his sister is out of sight of Hermes and whoever he's tormenting this time. They don't need to see Athena when she's like this, so distant and small.

"Oh! Look who it is, the God of War himself, Ares!"

He groans inwardly, "Hello, Hermes." He says dryly, "Who's this?"

"Aww! No need to sound so annoyed Arie! I've only brought my favorite sister to see you! She says she wants to join us in the fight." Hermes has a bright grin on his face, and his wings keep twitching. He has indeed brought someone with him. She has startling bright yellow eyes, and her hair is dappled with darker and lighter strands.

Even Ares recognises the bright moly flowers braided into her hair.

"Circe." She introduces herself coolly, holding out a hand for him to shake. Ares takes her hand. He already likes her.

"It is nice to meet you. Although i did not know that Hermes had another sister?"

She rolls her eyes and elbows the God in question sharply in the ribs, a quick grin flashing across her face, "He's no brother of mine."

"Metaphorically!" Hermes argues. Ares tunes the pair out as they laugh and snap at each other. He was thinking of making a hasty retreat back to the shade of Athena's sage bush when the pair fell silent. He looks back at them, suddenly wondering if he had missed a question or something of the sort, when he realises they're looking over his shoulder.

"Athena." Circe's voice is flat. Respectful.

"Circe." Ares turns to look at his sister. She's stood up to her full height, which is taller than anyone else here, and her helmet is back on, Ares' cloak hanging around her shoulders, hiding her damaged wings and thin, broken body. He shudders at the sight of only one of her glowing eyes being visible from the shadows of her helmet.

It is safe to say, the goddess of war and wisdom looks absolutely terrafying.

Athena smiles and holds a clawed hand out for the witch to shake. Her smile pulls at the visible scars on her face.

"I always admired what you did to Scylla." The laughter in her voice breaks the tension, and Circe smiles, shaking her hand.

"And i admire your courage to go up against Zeus, even if I've never met a mortal deserving of such a thing." Ares winces at Circe's comment, and he can see Hermes' wings puff up slightly, no longer twitching.

Athena just smirks, "Well we can agree to disagree, yes?"

Ares thinks she looks so very menacing. Like the Goddess who took on Zeus and survived to wage war. Like the figure head that this rebellion needs.

He tries not to think of how small and worried she had seemed moments before.

This bit of writing is actually quite old, its one of the bits that i gathered up from a while ago that im making into an ordered au, an so i dont like it as much as i probably could, but also i havent put another bit of this story up in a few days(?) i dont actually know how long its been

It feels like it should be friday already to be fair, ive been busy with a show im in and its performing week so lifes crazy at the moment :D

Anyways yas. It being older and already written is the only reason ive been able to get it up because i am not writing anything for like the next week and i only had to read through this and correct any grammar and stuff- on that note forgive me if anythings wrong i am tiredddd

I was gonna say something else but i forgot because i am good at forgetting things✨

So i guess HAVE A NICE WEEK GUYSSS BE HAPPY AND HAVE A NICE WEEEEEK :D

@corvisclouds hiiiii

[arach-tinilith]

6, 8, 9, 10, 11 and 15 for naady!!

Thank you!!!

6) If your OC is in a fantasy setting, what profession would they be in the modern day?

Very funny you should ask bc i am writing a modern fic about her as we speak (which i shall shamelessly plug here) BUT to answer your question i think she'd be a paralegal for criminal defense

8) What hobbies does your OC have? What do they do to unwind?

Naadja really enjoys sword fighting! She's not great at it, and being the perfectionist she is it's hard for her not to excel in something immediately. But she really enjoys the mechanics of fencing and is proficient from her years of training in her youth.

She also likes embroidery, a skill that helped her when she needed to mend clothes. Her cloaks are covered in little embroidered moths because they actually are mended tearing 

9) How does your OC handle their physical health? Do they take care of themselves?

Naadja, despite her very high constitution, takes horrible care of herself. I think she just relies on being naturally healthy but she's quite negligent on hygiene and pushes herself way too far. She hardly trances, she eats poorly (surface food nauseates her), and she rarely exercises.

The tadfools actually stage an intervention (led by Gale and Wyll) because she's just chilling in crud 24/7

10) How does your OC handle their mental health? Do they take care of themselves?

Great question! Naadja does not handle her mental health in the slightest!

She basically ignores anything that's ever happened to her in hopes that the problem will just ~go away~

And usually that manifests into a full body shut down where she absolutely can't process anything upsetting OR she finds a way to sexualize it and recontextualize it

11) What was your inspiration for your OC?

Honestly I've always loved the bratty noble archetype. I didn't have one in particular that came to mind but i knew i wanted her to be spoiled and insufferable 

15) Will your OC ever retire? Do you see them making it?

Yes! Ive said it before but i kind of imagine Naadja to be another origin character that the player gets to decide if she ascends or gets the morally good ending. I personally think both options would be satisfying for Naadja whether she goes back to the underdark or stays in Baldur's Gate 

[northopalshore]

hi gaia i was just wondering if you have the same weird feeling i did at first when you started learning about love astrology. because ive become quite good at predicting and know so much about my future spouse it almost makes me afraid it wont happen? do you have any thoughts or advice?

I think in general, fear can be a common occurrence within the community. In my case, it started with intrigue. Though the more things started to align & prove itself I started to fear it was all in my head.

Not a lot of us were born into a family or culture or even country open to the idea of occultism or astrology, so we start to doubt our knowledge. Because humans are creatures of habit, we will just revert to the same old structure when we step into new grounds; i.e mundane logic, & sciences following the effects of the Age of Enlightenment.

However, to some degree I believe it's a part of your spiritual growth/journey. Challenging our need for control, provoking our insecurities, testing our limits. It's not fun lol. But it's worth it in the end.

We live & we die, the cycle continues. Whether physically or mentally.

Allow me to trademark the saying; it's like playing chess with the universe.

A guru/ parental figure, an older being that knows more than you, who only wants you to learn & grow. In every stage of life, you'll play with them.

In the "child phase", we start getting intrigued by their game.

In the "adolescent phase", we start getting better at the game, developing an ego or attachment to it. Here, we are rather rebellious as well. As we get better at it, the game gets harder & harder. This is the most difficult stage. Going through all the motions in life.

In the "adult" phase, we are now able to understand the true intentions of our "'opponent'; the universe.

Throughout life, we constantly learn & evolve through our perspectives.

If you're anything like me, you might have come to hate the phrase "Divine timing" at some point too lmaoo.

"like; B*tch I know it's divine timing, but wheeennn?" Then the universe will hit me with the 'brick of knowledge' as I'd like to call it, straight to the back of my head i.e more evidence lol. Now, I know so much I feel crazy. The universe is always very generous w me.

But I don't hate it anymore (even if it's not my favourite to hear),

As I said before, I am enlightened™ ✨ or at least sane enough to keep going.

₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ .₊๋‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ .₊๋‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ .₊๋‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑

I hope my analogy makes sense or is at least coherent lol. Hope this helps!

@northopalshore advice (yaps) 2024.

[gods-of-kanto]

Mono @ SM! Ash

"So... I heard that you sometimes have... (Ugh... what was the word...?) "Moments" I guess? Where you can only see Aura? (I hope I said that right.) How exactly do you deal with that?"

He pauses

"Also, what exactly do you ask someone if their aura isn't quite human OR Pokemon? How would you bring that up to them?"

It seems he doesn't know much about Aura, let alone his own abilities.

[Ngl I didn't know how to word this and I was kinda just winging it I hope it doesn't sound weird]

Ash: I think ive explained this before or Peach has, either one of us but-

Ash: There is no such thing as other aura. Theres aura, no aura or dead aura.

Ash: Dead Aura isnt what you think it is. It's not red or pink or any other color you can think of. It's just a Very desaturated blue only within Ghost pokemon. They arent living, but they arent dead. Aura is within living creatures and Ghost Pokemon are still alive in a sense, hence why they have 'Dead Aura'

Ash: If it showcases in any other color or if it looks weird, take them to a hospital. They more than likely have a sickness or disease within the physical body. Unfortunately, Aura doesnt have any indication on mental illnesses.

Ash: If a living person is starting to showcase Dead Aura, take them to a hospital and start with your last goodbyes.

Ash: As for dealing with this, Its literally just adjustment periods. The washes of blue are harsh on the eyes. Just be careful abd dont move until you can either see again or when the aura doesnt hurt anymore.

[bihansthot]

I’m probably not going to be around much today lovelies, as I mentioned earlier in the week it’s the 25th anniversary of my heart transplant and ngl it’s weird. I’m in a weird place today, I’m trying really hard not to be sad or upset or think about how traumatic that night was. I don’t remember a lot about the night but I remember the phone ringing late at night maybe just after midnight and I remember going into my parents bedroom, they didn’t have to come get me, and I said “it’s time”, I just knew it as soon as I heard the phone and they confirmed it and we relatively calmly got our stuff and drove to the hospital. I had no idea what I was getting into and had I known, I would have not reacted as calmly as I did. I remember they had to draw blood before the procedure to use during the operation, I remember it taking over 25 attempts to get all the blood they needed and I was sobbing, I was in so much pain and I absolutely hated getting my blood drawn as a kid and while 14 isn’t exactly a little kid anymore it’s certainly not an adult either. I still remember the nurse who was there with us, she had a very distinct, raspy voice despite being quite young and to this day people with that type of voice bring back this very unpleasant memory. I don’t remember anything after the blood draw, they give you medication to help you forget traumatic operations and it doesn’t get much more traumatic than a heart transplant. I don’t really remember much of recovery either, I do remember how painful it was when they made me walk though. I wanted to go home and they said I had to walk to the end of the hall to go home and if I couldn’t do it they would keep me at the hospital another day. You better believe I dragged all my various IVs and monitors down that hallway in an instant. My incision was bleeding afterwards and I felt like I was going to collapse but I held that shit together like the stubborn ass I am and gave them a smile and told them it was nothing and I was ready to go. Shockingly they didn’t notice the bloody incision or my clear exhaustion and I was allowed to go home after only 7 days which at the time was a record. The weeks and months that followed were absolute agony, a heart transplant is a ridiculously painful procedure the only time I’ve ever been in more physical pain is when I threw up from my painkillers after having my tricuspid valve replaced 10 years ago. It was awful, I couldn’t even wash myself, I had to have my mother give me a bath like I was a five year old and that was humiliating but I couldn’t do anything about it, it was just too painful to move my arms to wash myself when my whole sternum had been ripped open and was now held together by twist ties and super glue. Then there was the near constant pain from the weekly biopsies to check for rejection, they basically jam a catheter into your neck and then rip little chunks of your heart out to check to make sure your body isn’t rejecting the organ. On top of all that I gained so much weight from the medications and steroids I was on and my mother was an absolute monster about it. We had a very bad very toxic relationship during this time, she ridiculed me constantly but I depended on her for so much that I couldn’t do anything about it. I was so miserable and wanted nothing more than to die. I don’t want to get to into it though but it was really hard so trying to think positively about today is really difficult but on the positive side of things I’m still here. I made it through all that hardship, all that struggle, all that physical and mental anguish. I survived. For 25 years I have survived and while everyday hasn’t been easy, I didn’t give up. I guess I deserve to celebrate that at least even if I don’t like dwelling on all the misery I’ve endured. So, happy anniversary me, you’ve done the best you could and deserve a nice celebration. I know a lot of you lovelies aren’t going to read this but if you do, thank you, I appreciate you taking the time to get to know me outside of being a horny Bi-Han fangirl. 💙

[ichijager13]

Teach me how to be loved

Chapter IV

For a little piece of heaven

Pairing : Eren Jäger x reader

Characters: Eren Jäger, Annie Leonhart, Pieck Finger.

Tags: Unhealthy copping mechanism, unhealthy relationships, childhood trauma, physical and verbal abuse, self-esteem and trust issues, domestic violence, implied/ referenced cheating and a touch of sweet, lovable and non fuckboy Eren Jäger

Masterlist, AO3,  Playlists : Reader’s POV, Eren’s POV

A/N: Hello, first of all, I would like to thank you for reading my story and for all the support you are giving the fic. it warms my heart and motivates me to give you more. From now on I will update the story twice a week, Mondays and Thursdays.

PS: I am not a german speaker so if you ever spot tippos don't hesitate to let me know.

You readjusted your glasses for the hundredth time this afternoon. You spent most of the day in your study working on your latest project. Tapping your bottom lip with your pencil you tried to decide if the design was put together or if you need to open a new file and start all over again. You were so far gone in your thoughts when you heard your phone buzzing. Someone was calling you, Eren was calling you.

“Hello”. You spoke massaging your blurry eyes.

“Hey, how are you doing?” You felt micro shockwaves creeping up your spine when you heard his deep voice from the other end of the line.

“Fine, how about you?” You replied after what seemed to be an eternity to you.

“Doing well, thanks. So, about the sketchbook”. You closed your laptop and focused on his voice. “Does tomorrow work for you?”

“Yeah, I’ll be at work”.

“At what time do you finish?”

“4 PM”.

“Okay, I’ll text you before I come”. He added before wishing you a good evening and hanging up.

You spent the rest of your Sunday trying to finish your assignment.

 Once he finished signing all the papers his secretary left him and all his meetings, he left his office heading to his best friend’s company. He sent you a message as soon as he arrived. “I’m at the parking lot”. The message read.

You were about to leave your desk when you felt your phone buzzing in your pocket. Once outside, your eyes scanned the parking lot looking for him. Frowning, you pulled out your phone.

You were about to call and ask where he was when you heard a panting voice coming from behind you. “I was on the other side. I saw you heading this way”. He tried to catch his breath before handing you a paper bag. “I went through it; I hope you don’t mind”. He confessed watching you flipping the pages of the notebook before putting it back inside the paper bag. Your lips curved up when you noticed the box of chocolate he slipped inside the bag.

“No, I don’t”. you looked up at him. “Thank you, it’s my favorite”. You followed.

“You are quite talented”.

“Thank you, Euh… I was thinking…”. You mentally kicked yourself for stuttering. “I would love to… Can I offer you a drink or something to thank you for bringing it back”. You were shifting the bag from one hand to another. “If you are free, of course”. You spoke consciously giving your brain the chance to process each word you uttered.

“I know a quiet place not far from here”. He had to double his efforts to repress the smile threatening to make its way across his lips when he noticed you were slightly blushing.

“Lead the way”. You mumbled.

 “You know I thought you were Annie’s friend”. He spoke, after ordering. “I didn’t know you work for Armin”.

“I am in fact, friends with Annie, we used to work together before she got married”. You clarified. “We know each other for six years now”. you followed. “I met Armin through her, and though they firmly deny it, I’m positive she suggested for him to hire me”.

As the hours tick away, you understood why you never could resist him. Eren was a cheerful person and fun to be around. The conversation was reaching an interesting point when you were interrupted by his ringtone. “You can take it, I don’t mind”, Noting he was hesitating, you said smiling.

He flashed you a smile before taking the call. “Halo, mutty… Was ist los? (Hello, mom… what’s wrong?)” He asked alarmed. “Wo? (Where?)” Another silence. “I’m on my way, mach dir keine Sorgen. (Don’t worry)”. He added. “I’m sorry, I have an emergency, I need to go”. He spoke after he hung up. “I’ll make it up for you later, I promise”. He followed standing up and you simply nodded. He shot you an apologetic smile before paying for your consumption and leaving the coffee shop.

 “Good evening, I’m here for a patient, a young girl, she arrived minutes ago, a four-year-old girl”. Words were spilling out of his mouth.

“Name please”. The receptionist asked.

“Sophie Jäger”. He nervously tapped his food.

“Yes, she arrived ten minutes ago, sir. The doctor is seeing her now”.

“Where?”

“I’m afraid you can’t…”

“I’m her father”. Losing his calm, he cut her and handed her his ID.

“The second stand on your left”. She replied.

 “There, there sweetheart”. The nurse cooed. “We will be done in a minute”.

“Vater”. The girl’s eyes welled up with tears when he came into her field of view.

“It’s alright, mein liebling. Ich bin hier jetzt (I’m here now)”. He kneeled in front of his daughter holding her small hands. “I’m her father”. He spoke to the nurse doing her bandages.

“There’s nothing to be worried about, Mr. Jäger. The doctor has prescript a pain killer and medicine in case she got a fever”. She caressed the girl’s hair smiling fondly. “The cut needs to be cleaned every two days”. she glanced at the dark-haired man facing her and then at the middle-aged woman. “Accidents like this happen often, right Mrs. Jäger? She will be alright”. She smiled when Carla nodded.

“But her face is swollen”. His voice was filled with concern.

“It’s a normal reaction. It will be gone in no time”. She reassured him. “And we’re done, you are a brave girl, Sophie”. She offered the toddler candy before handing the prescription to Eren. “See you on Wednesday”. She smiled at her once again before heading to the next patient.

“What happened?” Eren asked Carla.

“Sie spielte mit ihrem Fahrrad, als sie hinfiel. (She was playing with her bicycle when she fell)”. His mom answered helping her granddaughter put on her jacket. “Ich war drinnen, als es passierte. (I was inside when it happened)”. She added smoothing her hair before pecking her cheek. “Ich eilte nach draußen, als ich sie weinen hörte. Zum Glück war Sieg zu Hause. He drove us here. (I rushed outside when I heard her crying. Luckily, Sieg was home)”. She looked up at her son. “It was him who did her stitches”.

He pressed his lips to his mother’s forehead before picking up his daughter. “How about we go home? Ich bleibe über Nacht. (I will stay over tonight)”. He said cheerfully.

“Will you read me a story?” Sophie stared at her father with big pleading green eyes.

“Of course, my princess”. Once in the car, he sent his brother a message thanking him and letting him know they are leaving. “wer will Eis? (Who wants ice cream?)” He asked leaving the parking lot. Both grandmother and daughter rose their hands, lips curved into a bright smile.

 “Vatty”.

“Ja, mein hase?” he ran a hand across her face checking her temperature, relieved she doesn’t have a fever.

“Tell me a story about mutty”. She asked.

He put her to bed and tucked her blanket under her chin before taking a deep breath. Sophie didn’t get the chance to know her mother who passed away during labor. Alongside Armin, Mikasa was Eren’s childhood friend. They all grew up together and eventually, Eren fell in love with her. They got married after Mikasa graduated from school and a year later Sophie was born.

While she had her father’s bright eyes, Sophie was the spitting image of her mother.

“See the plushie that looks a little like me?” He pointed at a toy set on her nightstand, she nodded. “deine Mutter hat es für mich gemacht. Wir waren in deinem Alter. (it’s your mother who made it for me. we were your age)”. Amazed, her eyes sparkled. “Your grandma was good at sewing, that’s how Mikasa learned”.

“Und oma?”

“No, she’s not”. He snickered. “aber das soll unter uns bleiben. (But this should stay between us)”. He whispered, trying to sound serious.

“Okay”. She giggled.

“Do you pinky promise?”

“Ja”. She held her finger to seal the promise. “Vatty”. He hummed in response checking her bandages. “Sleep in bed with me, bitte (please)”.

“Okay, Lass mich einfach meinen Schlafanzug anziehen. (Just let me put on my pajamas)”. She nodded visibly happy.

“Still up?” He frowned noticing his mother was still in the living room.

“I was waiting for you”. she answered. “schläft sie? (Is she sleeping)” he bobbed his head taking place on the opposite sofa. “Es ist schon eine Weile her, seit du hier übernachtet hast. (It’s been a while since you spent the night here)”. She added.

“sie bat mich, ihr eine geschichte über Mikasa zu erzählen. (She asked me to tell her a story about Mikasa)”. He closed his eyes. “I told Ymir I’m taking the day off tomorrow”. He followed.

“That would be nice”. Carla commented. “Er vermisst dich sehr. (She misses you a lot)”.

“Ich vermisse sie auch aber mein Zeitplan lässt es nicht zu.... (I miss her too but my schedule does not allow me to…)”.

“I know, liebling”. She cut him. “Go back before she wakes up”. she offered him a genuine smile.

“Gutte nacht”. He pecked her temple before going upstairs.

 After checking once more his child’s temperature he slipped under the blanket next to her. Feeling her father’s presence, Sophie let go of her plushie -the one Mikasa made for him- and scooted closer. She buried her face in his neck mumbling undistinguished words. He caressed her dark locks smiling. “Schlaf gut, mein Hase, Daddy ist hier, um dich zu beschützen. (Sleep well, my bunny, daddy is here to protect you)”.

Drifting to sleep, he remembered you. he smiled recalling your flushed cheeks when you invited him. he made a mental note to text you tomorrow morning.

[angeldiaries777]

trigger warning mental health, online addiction. personal stuff!!! i don't want to post anymore. part one of two.

i don't want to try so hard anymore. going to be real here for a sec i don't like my life. i don't like who i am. i don't like this app. i don't like this world or any of the people in it. i do need help. i need a lot of help. i don't like this blog anymore. its not fun. its not carefree. its just something i do now subconsciously with zero effort. its not me. its not cool. i don't like it. i'm not enjoying it at all. since i deleted quite literally every other app this is where i go on for everything. and thats just toxic. i am not having fun like i said a thousand times before. i just want my thoughts and things i liked at the time to be docutmented somehwere on some account because i know i will forget. i am very miserable in my life and with myself. i know that i need to stop using this app as much as i do and same with a few others and certain accounts on websites i just have nothing left in me. i've always posted online. ive always interacted online. i've always been obsessed with watching content and consuming media books movies shows music etc etc. and i'm feeling fatigue from it. idk how many more fucking lana del rey gifs i can reblog till i lose my fucking shit for good and end it all. everything that inspired me is dull. the relationships and parasocial relationships i form with celebrities characters and people online is just plain unhealthy. especially when its causing me to ignore the ones i have in real life. i need a break. i need a break from all the media i consume. i need a break from music and from tumblr and from everything else that is slolwly rotting my brain. the attachment i have to these apps is unhealthy. the amount of time i spend on my phone or ipad or literally any other device is actually sickly. i need a break from looking at or even just holding my phone for so many hours a day. i need an actual sleep schedule and i need to not wake up at 4am and have my first thought be to open tumblr or to save pins on pinterest. i got rid of so many physical items and cut off so many people but the actual thing hurting me the most is my addiction to the internet and to media. i need to stop posting. i need to stop interacting i need to stop watching videos and movies and listening to music at the rates that i do. it is unhealthy at best and detrimental to my life and health at worst. its like those interventions they have for people with alcohol or other addictions. ive known this about myself for a long time and it only worsens the more time passes. i have issues!!!!! i have real issues in my real life that will not be solved by venting about it to my 8 followers. i need to stop. i need to sit alone with my thoughts without a podcast or an album playing in the background. i need to see what my life is like and who i am without all of this. without the things i thought i liked. the things i thought were keeping me alive and sane and healthy were actually the most destructive. i need to stop relying so heavily on things that don't exist. all these pictures and people are fake. i"m not a character or a stereotype. im a fucking person. whenever i got a negative comment i used to lay awake thinking about that. its not okay anymore. its affecting my life way too much. i don't want to think of the world and only think of what i see online because i don't love my reality. i don't want to be sad anymore. i don't want to know what that person across the world thinks of that topic or what kim kardashian had for breakfast. i want to actually live my life again for what it is and not what i wished it was. because truth be told i am very blessed in sooo many ways and i take it for granted so often. i am so much more than that sad face emoticon on somebodys phone screen. i don't want to see the same pictures of bella hadid on every fucking app with the same generic text and font over it. i don't want to consume copious amounts of self help content anymore whilst refusing to actually do any of that self help when im clearly not qualified and clearly need professional help.

[f4y3w00d5]

Lovely, and ive got a lil more to add.

-if youre in highschool and the school provides you with a device, thats great. My parents always have a specific tracking\security app attached to all my devices that tracks EVERYTHING i do and everything i download, and sends my parents notifs if i do, but if its from school, even if its untrue you can claim that the school dont want any security like that, and itll be more believable if you suggest another (but be careful if they ban stuff, ive fucked up a few times. thankfully Mother doesnt know how to use this one too well, and doesnt check it often, but it means if im not on home internet and i avoid blocked sites, she doesnt so much as know im on my laptop)

-DEFINITELY do not get comfortable, even using incognito. A few years back, i used a different social media platform, obscure. I got comfortable and when my Mother walked in, switched too slow. it ended up banned on all devices, and i lost incognito on my google account.

-make MULTIPLE alt emails, use one to make a gmail account. Fake names that cant be traced back to you. 'Faye Woods' is mine, Woods i took from creepypastas, created it in grade 6. not sure where Faye came from, but there are no similarities

-if your parents check your phone, randomly or at designated spots, only have the designated stuff on there. Tell everyone you text not to text about stuff youre not supposed to, or anything that might make your parents suspicious. (my friends have fucked up a few times, shit about sex, swearing, social media)

-You get to see a therapist? Do not tell them a thing about anything that could get you in trouble, at least until you know for sure that they wont tell. A year or two ago, i mentioned online friends and discord to a new psychologist. They told my mother. The school psychologist understood that itd be hell if my parents found out, and when they called her to check it, together we convinced my Mother i had checked it out once cos my friends were pressuring me. she thankfully believed it, but ive lost access to discord now.

-if your parents are light sleepers and your room is near theres, dont use then to go and sneak food or money or anything. What you do is wait until theyre out of the house, downstairs or work so that you dont wake them. if you can try and get home from school before them, thats a good opportunity too

-if theres a pet, make sure theyre used to you wandering around so that they dont alert your parents

-find someone who your parents like and try and have sleepovers with them as often as your parents will let you. you'll get fed, youll be safe for a little while.

-if your parents tell you to not tell anyone, dont tell anyone until theres enough to be able to get you away until youre an adult. I told cps about a series of stuff, cos thats what kidshelpline said. they came to my place and my parents convinced them everything was fine, and it got worse.

-think about everything they do critically. Threats are not okay. find a place to record them. Ignore your parents if they say that its fine and normal. they touch you in ways youre uncomfortable with? record it. Thats not okay either. Insults arent good either. Telling a neurodivergent, queer, or any type of kid that you wish they could be normal? bad. anything that hurts physically or mentally, record it. if you grew up with something, it doesnt make it okay. it makes it harder to recognise whats wrong, though. so record everything that hurts you, it may not be abuse, but it also might be, and its better to have it all recorded. I use a book and i pass it off as notes for school

-Flattery!!! do what they want as much as often to the best of your abilities, itll make them more lax. you fuck up after being REALLY good? well, itll still suck but it might be not quite as bad. and try and make up for it. try to avoid breakdowns until late at night and keep them quiet. I know whenever i cry my father is like 'OH SHUT UP ILL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT'. hes scary when hes angry. worse so since he tried to strangle me. if you cry when they dont see, its safer.

-get enough sleep. it makes it easier. ive gotten yelled at for not wanting to talk after pulling an all nighter. try and spend 'family' time with them, if they want. my parents like to pretend theyre good parents, and so they sometimes do family days (once directly after i was screamed at until i was sobbing and hyperventilitating and then trying to walk until i passed out)

-do avoid hurting yourself, starving yourself, any of that stuff. pain will make it harder to do what they want, and thatll prolly make it harder for you.

-try and go on walks whenever they get SUPER angry. like, at least an hour. Give them time to calm down.

-if you have siblings, back up their lies. theyll do the same with you, hopefully. look after them and theyll look after you

Thats all i can think of for now, i hope this helps

hey so protip if you have abusive parents and need to get around the house as quietly as possible, stay close to furniture and other heavy stuff because the floor is settled there and it’s less likely to creak

[tera-91]

The Last (hopefully) Rant of the Year

Honestly I feel like I am getting close to my breaking point … again.

The stress of everything is just, I feel like its affecting my health. Both mentally and physically.

The last 2 weeks have been a rollercoaster. One that just pisses me off. So the manager had me at almost full time hours. I didn’t complain. At least not until I was scheduled outside of the availability that I have had for over a year. I told that manager over and over again but they still insisted on scheduling me outside that availability.

It wasn’t my finest hour but during one of the shifts I told them I had to leave because of my availability. I couldn’t stay the whole shift. They told me to leave so I did.

This manager proceeded to make the next schedule. Not only did they schedule me outside of my availability they also scheduled me for just 2 days that the hours equaled just a days work. I spoke to a coworker to try to trade so next thing I know the schedule is changed. This was nice because I was now in my availability but still under what use to be one days hours. I thought if I leave it alone it will get better.

IT DID NOT GET BETTER.

The next schedule came out. This @(&*%&* has me scheduled for half of one singular day for the whole schedule. FOR THE WHOLE BLOODY SCHEDULE. That’s under $100 what am I supposed to do with that until the next paycheck. That’s assuming that I get more hours in the meantime.

Ive already put in probably 50+ applications. Many of those I haven’t heard back from. I haven’t counted but if I had to guess a number Ive probably gotten 10-15 definite “no”. I think Ive gotten a handful of interviews. Before this new schedule came out I was definitely considering giving up applying for other jobs and even considering canceling the interviews or say no if I got an offer. Although even then I would be out of my mind because one of the jobs is basically the same job but with more pay. Now though, nah if I’m offered the job I am definitely taking it. I might not quit this job I have right away but I’m also stubborn. Im not going to let this jerk win by having me rage quit like I did before.

___________________

Ive let a few days pass since the last time I wrote.

Its been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster.

Like Im still pissed cuz I feel that manager is punishing me, which ive said something to the other managers in hopes for them to say something cuz I really don’t like confrontation, and this manager is one of those people that just turns what you say back to you. Like in the conversation you say one thing and then you go to say something else and they throw the first thing back at you.

Bad Example: “I ate a red M&M for breakfast.” But then later you say “I ate a green M&M” you mean as a snack or lunch something that happened later and they say “But you just said that you ate a red one”

Ive just taken a step back and looked around me. I am comfortable with the reduction of hours. Ive given the manager the benefit of a doubt or how ever that saying is suppose to be written. Its basically finals. Maybe they looked it up and realized this and gave me less hours. If that’s the case then at least let me know or a co-worker know so they could tell me.

________________________

Final week is over thankfully. I passed my classes!

The work situation is still a situation. I cant tell if my assumptions are right thought as the next schedule isn’t out yet. This is just frustrating. Another reason to take a different job. Two of the ones that I interviewed with said they do their schedule a whole month in advance! Its sad that to me that is a plus. As I write this, I only know what my schedule is for the next 3 days. After that I have no clue. Either I don’t work for the next schedule which is like WTF or the manager hasn’t posted it (sadly possible with this manager) which is also like WTF how can anyone plan their holidays with that because the next schedule covers the winter holidays and new year’s.

Now I cant even properly enjoy my time away because I keep looking to see if the next schedule has posted. I need to get my head in the game and get as much stuff as physically possible in however many days. There is just a lot to get done. I have an end of the video boom going on my channel (which I put on myself but Ive lost the momentum it feels like). Plus I need to hurry up and get ahead for next year so that way should I get more hours or a new job with more hours I wont have to worry about videos. I really don’t want to get back to the point where a new video doesn’t go live for 2 or even 3 weeks. I feel like that’s where I lost most of my engagement. I want to grow my channel in both content and size.

I need to finish my book. Ive been working on it off and on for over 10 years. Part of me just wants to get it done. Another part of me feel like it is the key. Like when I get it done that will provide me the ability to do just about everything that I want to.

As odd as it sounds I want to start making candles but currently I don’t have a space for that so I need to figure out how to do that. Well I have a space but I need to make it so that I can make the candles in. I read that the space needs to be well ventilated and right now the only place I can do that is … a bit open to the elements so I need to fix that to make it useable.

I logically know all of that but my brain. Its just fixated on this schedule thing. I think partly because I’m afraid of missing when its updated. Which doesn’t make since because I have to go to work before the next schedule starts so even if I missed it updated I would have something to tell me when I go back.

Bah. This is enough of this. Im going to work on my youtube channel to do list and a few of the other things that can be handled now. Get my mind out of this spiral. I might post again this year. If I don’t hope the winter holiday season is how it needs to be and that the new year is a fun sparkly time!

[tinyperson00-venting]

long rant

I think I've been in love with the same person for 6 years now..

the thing is tho.. he's not a good person. Ive been told many times before to drop the feelings. Ive dated him twice now, and he cheated on me the first time and left the second. He says he likes me sometimes randomly (years past, not this year) but then weeks later he pretends like I don't exist.

I know he's not a good person, but I can't help it. He used to both physically and emotionally hurt me a lot. When we were younger he said he'd do it since he didn't know how else to express himself, but recently he just did it for fun or so I think. This year however, he just seems to ignore me and act as if we never even met. We go to the same pool, and during the summer everytime I showed up with my family, he got out and either left or sat somewhere and avoided me. It's like I did something or whatever and everything just changed.

last school year, I went through quite a lot and literally all my friends except ace left and pretty much backstabbed me in several ways. He was one of them. Maybe I did something to do deserve this? Is this some sort of punishment to me??

I tried dating 2 other people in hopes of getting over him both last year and 3 years ago. It didn't work tho, and ended up making it worse. He doesn't even speak to me unless it's during class about schoolwork.

we have similar last names, so we always get sat next to eachother or almost next to eachother during seating charts in classes we share. It's kinda awkward tho since he just looks the other way and doesn't speak. In years prior when we got sat together, he would play around or make little comment or jokes to me.

This year is different. I'm alone almost 24/7 even tho I'm surrounded by a school full of people. If you've read any of the previous posts on here, you know my mental health is like 6ft under currently as well. I think I've given up to be honest.

I still wish things would go back to the way they used to be with us, but now I'm not even sure if I'm even still capable of feeling or showing love anymore. It's said that one who truly hates themselves isn't capable of loving another. Well, that statement has proven true.

maybe it's good tho.. maybe now I can finally move on somehow.

[acethatlovesdinos]

Tw: vent, female body dysmorphia? (Idk I don't have an official diagnosis). description of feminine anatomy (boobs). I'm not asking for pity, I'm just spitting words out because I feel the need to make them known. A confession, of sorts. And maybe it'll help some of you feel less alone in your own journey.

~~~~~~

I'm not pretty.

I'm aware of the fact. Never really have been. Not exactly the textbook definition of "attractive" when I look in the mirror.

I dont feel unloved, I think that's a different thing. I know i have caring friends and family who have my back, but it's still not quite what Im getting at.

I hate mirrors. Specifically the big ones in the bathroom before I shower. I look at myself, my eyes taking in every flaw.

I used to be bigger, you see, and I do feel much better having lost a significant amount of weight but that in itself brought upon an entirely new type of insecurity.

At least when I was a larger size my shape was "normal," per se, in that i expected and understood that physique well.

I had gotten a gastric sleeve surgery (make stomach smaller so you can absorb less food, thus losing weight in a more "natural" manner). Considering my morbidly obese state at the time, it was a necessary adjustment for the sake of my own health.

Dont get me wrong, I'm happy with what I've done. It's been a massive change and I feel so much better from both a physical and mental perspective.

but oh boy, I never could have expected the kind of insecurity that accompanied rapid weightloss.

it was incredible for a while, watching my clothes fit looser and feeling like I had more energy. my mental health improved drastically. truly, this was one of the best decisions I ever made, and I dont think Id change it if given the chance. I do want to make that clear, my current feelings are just a bit of a side effect.

quickly shedding pounds means that your body doesnt really get a chance to re-absorb that loose skin. what once was round, fatty pudge has now become loose, dangling flab. it hangs over my waist, accentuating my gut and making it still look larger than it is. Unfortunately, the weight I've lost isnt enough to properly constitute those surgeries to remove the loose skin that exists, so I'm sort of just...stuck with it. Im still certainly not skinny by any means, but I feel as though I'd be a size or two smaller if that extra flab wasn't there.

My hips and thighs didnt change a whole lot, so I remain with a bottom-heavy, pear shaped form with a waist several inches behind my hips. pants are a struggle to find a comfortable fit as a result.

It doesnt really strike much thought at first, but I was pretty quick to remember that breasts are composed mostly of fat and soft tissue. One of the first places to start showing a decrease in size? yeah. My chest wasn't particularly huge in proportion to my body anyway, and they only got smaller. that's a blow to the self-esteem if ive ever seen one. ever try shopping for a 40A bra? they aren't very common.

Oh, and what I said before about loose skin? that applies there too. there's no shape, it just sort of...sags pathetically. it could almost be compared to the "boobs" of an obese man with the way they sit, and the thought disgusts me.

all in all im sagging, loose, and not what someone would call a pretty sight...ever. It makes me fear the longevity and even possibility of future relationships, because who would want something like this?

my only saving grace is when I take a closer look at myself. Look closer in the mirror, look at my face. that seems to be the only part of myself im mostly okay with.

I've got a soft, round face, dusted with a natural blush and a gentle chin. my ears arent too big, and ive got a little dimple when my mouth moves the right way.

pale blue eyes provide the only pop of color on my otherwise pale, boring body, a cloudy shade of slate with a ring of green around the pupil. I dont want to sound basic, bit they really do seem to change under the sun. hooded eyelids occasionally cause makeup to be frustrating, but i only wear the stuff on special occasions anyway so it's not exactly a huge deal for me.

My glasses help to frame my face, a cute but necessary prop(bc i am blind lol), with the added bonus of helping to hide the tired circles under my eyes.

A lot of people seem insecure about their noses, but mine has been mostly unproblematic throughout my experience with it.

I've had a surprising number of people comment on my "perfect lips" (a few ladies who helped me with makeup), bringing up the defined Cupid's Bow and naturally plump shape, a soft pink hue that exists all on its own. I never really thought much of it until someone told me.

My hair has always been a fickle thing, and I've had a bit if a love-hate relationship with it until fairly recently. I've found that I like it bobbed at my chin, where its light enough that the natural curls can have a strong effect. the most product I tend to use is this nice-smelling leave-in conditioner, which just helps to tone down the frizziness. I love the way the curls frame my chin and jawline, and it coils into these thick, beautiful springs after it dries from a shower. it's so soft and I love to run my fingers through it when it's been freshly cleaned. The current color is a dark purple, that looks almost black indoors, but it nearly lights up when the sun hits it. its natural color is a deep brown, and i still do like it, I just thought a bit of color would be nice for once.

Ive got moles and marks everywhere, but that's never bothered me. the little brown spots are fun, and a few of them on my arm can even be traced into a perfect arch.

the most unique aspect of my appearance is this...little patch of tiny moles in the center of my throat. The patch is only about a centimeter in full area, and it's covered in little raised brown bumps. Oddly enough, this part of my body has never been something I felt ashamed of, as the little patch of marks were one of the many things that made me, me.

So maybe my body isnt perfect. it's not the ideal shape, nor size, nor whatever else, but I guess there's some things about it that I dont mind so much.

[liltiffy777]

So my life and before i go into all of it YES i know only I can change it and OnLy I can make things better and walk away but what fun is that and what does that really accomplish i guess me myself i look at relationships as a challenge its a big battle that the both sides try to learn and adapt to one another's ways and stupid things they do....but ive met my match with this one we are 2 peas in a pod and i say that because im noy sure who believes in astorology or what not but my bday is may 22nd his ...may 18th so we're both on the cusp of gemini and taurus so SUPER HEAD STRUNG BULLHEADED A**H**** PRETTY MUCH in a nutshell so we are way to alike in alot of the bad traits we both dont know when to quit and stop he thinks im trying to be dominant and feels i need to be with a girl but lemme ask yall something here when a man is sitting there and talking crap all about you and your people are you just going to sit there and shut up like a good girl and let it go? I bet not i tell this man daily its 2023 not the 20s no more i dont have to do as you say and what not im not a puppet and no i dont wana be the man i just was raised by a very head strung women that told me there aint nothing you can't do that a man can and im sorry i look at girls and men as equal thats all i ever expect but no im dominant and i wana be the man and i need a girlfriend like then i say its his ego and pride that im stepping on nope instantly flips it on me and makes it all me me me me me all the things i said the pride and ego yeah its me kuz my mom raised me wrong she raised me to feel i was above everyone and can do no wrong and thats false i was raised with dont ever feel there is nothing you cant do and noone is better then the next and yeah but this one is a challange for me he well lemme rewind a bit in the beginning we had some trials and tribulations we have been together 4 years now and its at the end weve beaten on each other physically and mentally because of how much alike we are and i made a few mistakes that he uses against me daily i lied about having a pen pal Still when i got outa prison is when i met him the one im with now and i didnt think nothing of it because pen pals are a thing to just waste time and something to keep your mind at bay when ur locked up and i felt bad because i was in a relationship when i went down and he left me for dead and it killed me and it took a long long time actually i still not over it and funny story my ex lives in my apartment building yeah i said god you got jokes mind you no i havent talked to my ex at all and bet me and my dude got into it because i had to say something just in case he found out himself then oh man but it still didn't matter we fight about it daily that i had him move in here and blah. Blah blah blah no i didnt but anyways yea my ex is the one i say that got away kuz of my ignorance of messing up things going to prison messed the best relationship ive had ever up and here iam miserable but to stubborn to walk away theres more but im tierd of typing i can type for days seriosuly so any thoughts or suggestions let me in on some secrets to sucess here...

[james-fun-in-the-sunderland]

yeah sure every q for the ask game for mr. abel unless u like hate a q then u can skip but. and you know what !!!! 👀 and 💌 for vicky !!!!!! thats right so many q's

every day when i rb an ask game zee sees if he can send me as of them as possible bc its his love language 💖

link back to the ask game bc i have other ocs to aske about if anyone wishes

going under a readmore immediately bc wow. so many qs.

for abel:

🥵 : Is your OC perceived as physically attractive to others? Is it at first glance or is it something that takes more time to reach fruition?

I think abel is definitely physically attractive to others! he has a very 'aged like a fine wine' type of look that i swear isnt just my own biases i swear i swear . i really do think he would 100% be flirted with by like . everyone. but especially men. i think its first glance also BTW, maybe taking more time for people who arent into how big or hairy he is? but those are cowards. 💦 : Is your OC’s attractiveness based on looks or a more intangible aura?

looks. but also abel has a very charismatic aura to him as well! he speaks very casually or more formally depending on the people he talks to and finds it easy to figure out how to push the right buttons in a conversation to make someone like him so its just like alot. 💪 : What is your OC’s most physically attractive attribute? 

face for sure, hes got the beard and a bit of a smoldering look to him that makes him even hotter when he takes off his glasses, plus if he dresses up he looks VERY nice and his body in general IMO is quite nice. 🧠 : What is your OC’s most mentally attractive attribute?

like i said before he has a charisma to him that makes him very attractive and just nice to in general but he also is veryyy intellectual! being a nurse and all. he did very well in school and i think people could be into how he can rattle off obscure medical terms. 👀 : Does your OC believe they are attractive? Do they use that to their advantage?

very interesting question actually bc ive never thought abt this hmmmm.... i think he does ? but only because people have told him, i think otheerwise its not like he wouldnt like how he looks or anyhing he just would be very neutral on it. suffice it to say he doesnt use his appearance at all. 👃 : Does your OC smell good? Do they have a signature scent?

i think he would! hes very well groomed and probably often takes showers and probably wears cologne to dates. probably smells a bit woody but with some notes of fruit and like . other smels... probably also has like a slight scent of like blood and stuff since he works at a hospital and which like is worse after he gets home from work but THATS what COLOGNE is for BABEYYY 👂 : Does your OC have an attractive voice?

yes. abel has a deeper voice than vicky IMO its very chill and calming. the only turn off would possibly be that it is very american. vicky winces sometimes at abels accent but hes like whatever .... ill accept it bc ur voice is hot on is own. but yeah guy who could put u to sleep but also? 😳 🚲 : Does your OC enjoy playing the field? Or are they more monogamy-minded?

i think mainly he is much more monogamy minded but knows that its mainly due to pressure from his parents to like settle down and find one person (who he COULD have had kids with if he were straight, they are upset abt possibly no grandkids but he doesnt have to worry abt that anymore <3) but i do think that in his younger years he played around with multiple guys and if it werent for vicky being extremely monogamous, he might in his older years as well 😍 : What does your OC find irresistible in others?

good anatomy /gen. his ideal partner looks like a scientific model in his textbook with visible musculature, this is why hes particularly into mr skin slight muscle and bones vicky. he also likes it when his partner can get him out of his head, bringing him out of his worries or obsessive thinking in general is like a #1 requirement for being anything long term with him 💘 : Is your OC a very good flirt? Are they charming?

YES!! as said before hes very good at the game of conversating but i think in general hes very good at complimenting someone and getting them flushed with double entendres, abel isnt afraid to be crass in a flirtatious way and that definitely gets alot of people on board with Doing Stuff with him. however. sometimes he can be so smooth that it can pass over peoples heads. (vicky) 💋 : Is your OC a good kisser? How do they do it?

actually, i think not really! i know ive been saying abel is great at EVERYTHING romance here but i do think this is where hes lacking a bit! he doesnt have many skills with his tongue despite how often he kisses lads... he just needs more practice ig :/ 🦴 : Does your OC have much sexual experience? What are they like?

yes! well he does with men, i dont think abel has actually ever had any kind of experience with women, kind of knew since he was a kid what he liked and everything. in bed he tends to be much more submissive, preferring to focus on making sure his partners are comfortable and feeling good, though hes not afraid to be more forceful if he really wants something. also as far as top vs bottom. hes a switch so. 💞 : Do they treat sex casually or do they view it as something with a lot of emotional weight?

depends on the partner honestly, i think most of the time with casual partners ofc obvs he treats it much more casually, but with more serious partners it typically carries more weight as hes not afraid to be much more vulnerable with them. but i think that he doesnt prefer one way or the other, he enjoys casual hookups as much as he does more emotional and vulnerable intimate nights with his boyfriends. 🔥 : What’s a surefire way to make your OC get flustered?

probably being very blunt and crass. like not even flirting just like just . you know, just completely no smoothness nothing just going right for the throat metaphorically and maybe literally (like no teasing no nothing just outright desire). it really trips up his game and makes him not really able to counter in a way thats productive and leaves him just kinda like ummmm o/////o... 🧸 : Into public displays of affection or are they more reserved?

oh abel LOVES pda. he loves kissing and holding hands and being sickly sweet in public. he also apparently after taking a look at his nsfw preferences page on toyhouse enjoys other stuff publically as well. so yeah. not reserved in the slightest. 💌 : How would they plan a romantic evening for a significant other?

oh he plans this shit way in advance and has probably several little romantic ideas lined up when he dates someone. sometimes its because he wants to do them and sometimes its bc his partner has mentioned them wanting to do something and so he takes it into account for a future romantic evening. however, this isnt to say he like suprises them or anything, he typically discusses it with them quite a bit in advance before they do anything 💐 : What is their courting style? How would they woo someone?

mostly flirting and doing extreme calculations to see if the person is returning any kind of response even if unconscious. outside of that he does not do anything <3 moreso if they give him no real response to any flirting. however if they do he just dials up the meter and will maybe even invite them over!! 👙 : What kind of underwear do they use? Is it pretty or functional?

Abel wears tighty whiteys, briefs that keep everything in nicely, much more functional than it is pretty but he does make sure not to mess them up or anything and to replace them if theyre looking a little worn. hes a bit vain in that way lol

for vicky:

👀 : Does your OC believe they are attractive? Do they use that to their advantage?

i dont think vicky thinks hes attractive deep down but boys got issues so you know hes deeply projecting that he thinks hes soooo hot and awesome and epic. he'd be so embarrassed if people made fuckin . fancams of him (in a modern au) but he'd play it off like ahhh of course smile, im so hot ofc people want me. also he does use this swagger tthat he projects to his advantage, especially if he detects that a girl is into him (unfortunately this ONLY will happen if its a woman bc if a man is into him at all he will just melt into a puddle)

💌 : How would they plan a romantic evening for a significant other?

see. i dont . think he would. bc i think fundamentally vicky is a bit nervous to fuck everything up. see but thats only with people he really cares about. this is probably how you can tell youre more of a casual hookup with vicky honestly is that he doesnt worry and actually tries to do a romantic evening with you instead of just being sooooo nervous that hes gonna mess smth up and make u hate him forever. anyway real answer for people he doesnt care about and plans these things for: he will make sure its a nice suprise and try to do the most stereotypically romantic things imaginable. heart shaped stuff, things in red, rose petals, etc, the type of stuff that only would really happen or be used in valentines day commercials and romance movies. bc thats what he thinks a romantic evening is :) <- guy who has never had a genuine connection bc he has . been going out w women performatively his whole life.

[universal-imagines]

❤ ﹝ personal touches ﹞

i. diluc

he tends to keep everyone at bay, as if he has to guard himself from anyone getting close to him physically, but really he’s keeping them away from his heart

so when he lets his shoulder brush up against yours in the most delicate way you can’t help but feel a surge of emotion

this man, who keeps everyone at arms length just let you into his personal space

but still, you don’t think much of it because you are walking through mondstadt and it’s a bit crowded that day, so it was probably an accident

but it happens again

and this time there’s no excuse for how close he is

you’re at his tavern, after everyone’s left and you offered to help clean, which surprisingly doesn’t take long but it does tire you out

so you both take a seat by the bar, stools less than a foot away

he could have sat on any other stool, but he chose the one right next you, the one that forces your arms to lean against each other comfortably

ii. zhongli

it start off as subtle brushes of fingers when he hands you your tea during your many afternoon chats

you don’t think much of it because those things happen often, and this is zhongli of all people, of course he isn’t doing it on purpose

although you do seem to catch a glint in his eye each time and perhaps a smile?

but despite being a patient man, he grows tired of waiting for you to catch on to his subtle advances

he doesn’t want to be too forward all of a sudden though, so he requests you take a walk with him

and during said walk he gently guides you through and out of the city, occasionally placing a hand on your shoulder to lead you a certain way

but the real give away is when you stop at the edge of a cliff overlooking the beautifully lit city and he gently brushes a stray piece of hair, holding it tenderly for a few seconds before letting go

iii. xiao

if you thought diluc was distant and guarded, xiao is all that and covered in armor, nothing can touch him

not mentally, not physically, not even emotionally, or so you thought

that is until the day a battle broke out in liyue, you were doing your part to save the people and got ambushed by the fatui, you thought it was the end, you couldn’t take them all, but xiao came to your rescue

he not only did quick work of them but immediately rushed to your side and checked for any injuries, but you had none, it was him who had cuts all over

you thought he wouldn’t let you, but once the fight was over, he let you tend to them without flinching once at your touch

iv. thoma

thoma can be quite the gentleman when it comes to gestures because he tends to ayaka most of his time, but apart from her there are few who get to see that delicate and poise side of him

usually he’s his energetic self who likes to joke around and eat

so it’s when he holds your hand to help you keep your balance as you walk down a steep hill and you notice just how warm it is

or that light pink tint on his cheeks

perhaps it’s from the strain of the walk, but then why does he avoid making eye contact with you?

you’re not entirely sure about the reason, but you can tell something is up

it’s not like he goes out of his way to care for others like he does you (apart from ayaka of course)

v. gorou

everyone knows they are not allowed to touch gorou’s ears no matter the rumors they’ve heard, so how come you can?

sure, you sneak in a pet or two every once in a while when he’s least expecting it, but he doesn’t reprimand you like he does the others

he also hardly ever stand so close to others, whatever the reason it’s obvious there is some favoritism going on

and whenever he is in a conference with the army, giving instructions, he always guides your hand through the map as if it’s the most natural thing

a lot of the members are starting to notice

vi. itto

personal space is not part of itto’s vocabulary, it is nonexistent

you never know where you stand with him because he does it with everyone, it can be very confusing, but unlike everyone else, it’s when he keeps his distance

that doesn’t mean he will stay away from you because he won’t, he will constantly be there, it just means he’s very self-conscious about his movements

this will take a long time for him to realize and start doing though... a very long time

so his distance might just mean he lost a battle with someone and is pouting about it, but at the very least you’ll hear all about it