#as I said in the text I am not asexual myself. I try to be an ally so pls msg me about any inaccuracies

[goshdangronpa]

Asexual Miu Iruma? The more I think about it, the more plausible it sounds.

Many people believe that all human beings want sex, and that if they don't seem to want it themselves, yes they do, stop being silly.

Many people who don't want sex will pursue it anyway, believing that it's part of being normal.

You know how some gay people will perform straightness to an extreme degree? Surely some ace people will perform sex-wanting to a similar extent. (I'm not ace myself, but I sure performed masculinity a lot in the period before accepting my nonbinaryness.)

Consider also Miu's general social cluelessness. You see how she always gets so stricken when interactions go wrong? That suggests that she genuinely doesn't know how to talk and relate with others. Her exaggerated boasts and innuendos may be a misguided effort to communicate that she is a Sex Liker. And that's how the horniest character in Danganronpa could be interpreted as not actually horny at all.

[ednygmasbowlerhat]

this is a long rant about accidentally dating people for aros/aces/aroaces that i don't expect people to read but i need to scream this into the void

ok so i'm 100% sure i'm aroace like i'm 20 years old and have never in my life been romantically or sexually attracted to anyone no matter how hard i've tried and like cognitively i know this. i'm out to all of my friends (my family doesn't know but they're homophobic so that's a future me problem anyway...) and most of my friends are queer so like they know what aromanticism and asexuality are and it's just like a thing i know and everyone knows about me. so like if i know that i am aroace how come i can't emotionally accept it? this requires a bit of a storytime but basically last year this girl who i was sort of friends with but not close with confessed to me that she had been in love with me for the better part of a year and she was like "i know you're asexual and that's fine i just wanted you to know" and first of all i don't think she comprehended that the part of my sexuality that made me not want to date her was the aromanticism not the asexuality but that's not the point. the point is that i was like "yeah i mean i've never felt that way about anyone but i like you as a person and would be happy to keep getting closer with you as friends" because like i wanted to let her down easy and that was the nicest way i could think of so then we like hung out a little more after that one-on-one which we didn't used to do because we only knew each other from classes and band but like it was fine she was nice and we were friends and like somewhere in the back of my head i was constantly thinking like maybe if i get to be really close friends with her to the point where we're basically dating then i will realize romance isn't that bad and be able to date her and like stop being aromantic. like i wasn't thinking that through consciously but i did know that i haven't emotionally reconciled what being aroace actually means for how my future is going to look so i know that's an issue that i have to work through and that i'm still working on accepting my sexuality. anyway all this to say that i was basically trying to subconsciously convince myself that if i tried hard enough i would be able to make myself fall in love with this girl.

anyways summer happens and we're texting but we don't live near each other so whatever and then we come back to school and she's like inviting me to do one on one stuff all the time like i put together a bunch of her ikea furniture for her new apartment and like after band she'd ask me to get dinner just the two of us stuff like that and one of these days at the beginning of the semester we're hanging out just the two of us and she's like "so what are we because like i'm falling more in love with you and i don't want to make you uncomfortable but i really want to be more affectionate with you?" so i was like "well i do like hugs and physical contact and stuff so i guess i'm ok with that" and from then on she was like very pda with me and kissing me on the forehead and always hugging me and like i genuinely do like physical touch but like she clearly thought we were dating and one time referred to me as her partner and i was like "woah." so anyway we're i guess accidentally dating at this point for like 3 months and then like a month ago she's driving me home and out of the blue she goes "what would it take for me to convert to judaism?" and i was like why? i didn't know if it was like a curiosity thing or like a relationship thing because in like september she asked if it was ever a possibility that the two of us could get married and i thought she was joking so i said no you're not jewish (like there are obviously so many serious reasons why i can't marry her like i don't love her but whatever i thought she was kidding) and she was like "i'd convert for you because i'm in love with you and i was thinking about it" and i was like holy shit wtf i need to get out of this car right now but like i couldn't so i'm fully sitting in her passenger seat stammering and not knowing what to say because i don't want to hurt her feelings but i don't feel the same way and yeah eventually i get home and i basically run away. she texts me like immediately after and is like "sorry if i freaked you out" and i was like no you're good but inside i was freaking out.

so anyway i try and ignore how uncomfortable i am because i have to interact with her in band, and then about a week later, she sits me down and is like "hey so i want to ask how you've been feeling about us because you've been acting weird" and i tried to be honest and say that i thought i could force myself to love her but i just can't and to me that was basically like me breaking up with her but to her apparently that was just an instruction to continue as usual i guess. so after that i started avoiding her because i wanted her to understand that i didn't want to be in this relationship with her but she like wasn't getting it and she was still like coming up to me and touching me like i was having a conversation with one of my friends and she walks up behind me and just starts picking the like fuzzy bits off of my hoodie and i literally flinched away and said stop without even looking at her and the friend i was talking to looked so concerned but she just kept standing behind me without touching me. then later that day she came up to me again and was like "are you mad at me" in front of a group of like 5 people and i was like "i'm not mad i just need space" and she keeps being like why so i just walked away because we were fully in public and i didn't want to say anything. so that night i send her a long text where i basically apologized for being rude and set my boundary that i needed space from her. for further reference i have a really bad history of being unable to say no in a lot of really serious ways that i'm working on in therapy but this was something that she knew about. she knew that i say yes to things i am not ok with because i have severe issues with conflict and have put myself in really uncomfortable and sometimes very dangerous situations just to avoid saying no or hurting someone's feelings. all of this to say it took a lot of time and work for me to set a boundary with her and tell her i need space because it is super intertwined with my trauma and mental health issues. she replies to me like 2 minutes later just saying something along the lines of "i'm so mad at you because you lied to me for months and it's a huge problem for our relationship if you can't be honest with me." i just replied ok because whatever but in my head i was like i don't exactly think i was lying to you and also i never agreed that we were together and even if we were i just dumped you so wtf?

anyway we still see each other at band stuff and she's always giving me dirty looks and someone at a party told me that she's been telling everyone i led her on which like i'm not surprised by because it was unintentional but i do agree that i led her on like i knew how much she liked me and i didn't put space between us maybe because i liked the attention or maybe because i thought i could force myself to like her back or maybe because i hate saying no but whatever the reason i feel really bad for hurting her. and here's the thing: this isn't the first time i've accidentally dated someone or led someone on for an extended period of time. i just don't know how to stop. i don't know how to force myself to emotionally accept that dating is not for me and that no matter how hard i try i will probably never like someone the way she liked me. also like am i actually in the wrong here? because all my friends are saying she's in the wrong, but i think this is all my fault but my friend said that her accusing me of lying is like calling someone a liar when they come out to you because they were lying to you the entire time before they came out about their sexuality. also a different friend keeps saying that it's her fault because i never gave her consent for a lot of the stuff that happened but like i never said no so idk. this might be like just insane ramblings at this point i just need to get this out of my head so i can study for finals.

if you read to this point literally why but thanks i hope you're doing ok and if you're aro/ace/aroace you're super awesome and valid

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am I (27m) the asshole for wanting my boyfriend (28m) to be attracted to me?

This involves sex as a topic but won't get explicit, I'll keep it vague. I'm asexual. Completely sex repulsed in a physical sense, mostly due to autistic sensory issues. I've never had any interest in sex and didn't have any libido at all before going on testosterone, so the way most allosexuals tend to view and think of sex is something I've always struggled to understand.

In previous relationships, my asexuality was handled in different ways depending on the person. One boyfriend was totally fine just not having a sexual aspect to our relationship, another one had a hookup he got my approval on. The compromise me and my last boyfriend came up with was that he'd text me his fantasies about me and that did a lot for him without me having to physically be in the situation, and even if I didn't get anything sexual out of it I did enjoy it. It was a confidence boost. I dont generally consider myself attractive or desirable, i wear sweaters in summer because im so self conscious, and this compromise actually did a lot to help me see myself in a different light.

I recently got into a new relationship and, as with every relationship I've been in, there's inevitably a discussion about how we're going to compromise on this issue. My new boyfriend didn't know anything about asexuality and barely understood when I explained but he's very insistent about not crossing my boundaries, which I appreciate. But the problem is, since he'd never considered sexuality from a less direct angle, he didn't really know where to even start with ideas when we were trying to work out a compromise. So, I started making suggestions, thinking back to what worked for other people I'd dated. Just abstaining wasn't going to be doable for him so I didn't suggest it, and he wouldn't be comfortable with a hookup.

I remembered my ex used to be able to get something out of telling me about his fantasies so I asked if that was something he'd be into. I wasn't angling to try to get him to agree to something, I genuinely just wanted to know whether or not that was an option to consider. He didn't actually answer at first, he went quiet and then he answered the question with another question and asked "wouldn't something like that make you uncomfortable?" And I said "no, because the physical component is the thing I have issues with, not the subject matter itself. So long as I don't have to directly engage in the situation, I'm golden."

I don't know if this is something that was really stupid of me to say and my autistic ass just didn't realize, but since he's so careful about my boundaries and comfort and tends to fret, I thought his problem in the moment was worry that I'd be making myself uncomfortable in an attempt to meet his needs. So I hurried to reassure him and said not only would it not make me uncomfortable, I'd enjoy it in a way. Not sexually, but I enjoy knowing that my partner is attracted to me. It makes me feel good about myself.

He got really upset. He doesn’t get upset easily and hadn't ever gotten properly upset with me before (at least not to this extent) so I was very taken aback, but I was floored by his reason for being upset. Not word for word, but he essentially said "so basically you want me to frustrate myself to feed your ego?"

I was, I think understandably, completely fucking appalled by such a suggestion. I said of course not, I was just suggesting something I knew worked for someone else because even if it wasn't his thing, we could narrow down options by process of elimination. Which made logical sense, to me. He wasn't calmed though, he started saying things like "so, you want your partner to be attracted to you even though you never plan on actually letting them act on that attraction? Do you see how cruel that is?" And... I don’t know, which is why I'm submitting this here. Is that cruel?

From my perspective, I would think it's only natural to want to know your partner finds you attractive, doesn't everyone want to be wanted to some degree? I don't get some sort of sadistic thrill out of it as he seemed to be implying, and I don't want it to impact my partners in a negative way. If this was something he would find frustrating then no, of course I wouldn't want him to frustrate himself, we could look at other options. When I made the suggestion, I figured the worst that would happen was he'd say no and we'd narrow down the list of options. I never imagined my moral character would be called into question.

He's usually so, so nice to me and it hit really hard for someone who’s usually so fond of me to say I sounded selfish and vain. Both actual words he used when this devolved into an argument. I explained my reasoning for suggesting it to begin with but he said the issue isn’t the suggestion, it's that he thinks that it's fucked up of me to want my partner to be attracted to me when I'm not going to indulge that attraction and it makes him wonder if I'm really a different, worse person deep down and he's only now getting to see it. He called it a red flag. That seemed like such a leap to me but I don't want to dismiss the suggestion out of hand. Many bad people think they're good people, so it's not out of the question.

This was our first real argument, previous disagreements had been talked out very calmly but emotions ran high with this one. I dont know if this is something that triggered him for deeper reasons, considering his reaction was so intensely out of the norm for him, or if the whole thing just looks entirely different from the perspective of someone who isn't sex repulsed.

Am I the asshole here? Is it really as fucked up as he says that I enjoy knowing my partner is attracted to me even though I won't agree to have sex with them?

We didn't discuss the topic any more that night, and it hasn't been brought up since. He hasn't been treating me differently than before, but he's always proactively apologized before when he was in the wrong about things and he hasn't this time, so to me that says he still stands by what he said. His words have stuck with me and they’re eating at me. I feel like such a horrible person, and I have no idea if I should feel more or less guilty about this.

Tl;dr: my boyfriend is upset that I like knowing my partners are attracted to me even though I don't want to and don't intend to have sex with them bc he thinks that's majorly fucked up and a red flag.

What are these acronyms?

[kittykatkatelol]

★Welcome to my Hell lovelies<3

(accessible, plain text, no flashing intro here: link)

You can call me Daimon/Daímonas, Val/Valentino, Micah, Faraday, Maxwell, John, Dixie, Barty, Makarov, or Jack

My pronouns include (but are not limited to): it/itself, loverboy/loverboyself, moth/mothself, ne/nem, he/him, ve/vem, luv/luvself

I'm genderfluid + xenogenders + mspec biromantic lesboy ~ oriented aroace - asexual + ACRflux + greyromantic ~ physical nonhuman + fictionkin + demonkin + ockin + therian ~ cripplepunk ~ adhd + autism(?) ~ plural (probably) ~ polythesist satanist ~ multishipper

My links: A03 ~ Pronouns.cc ~ StrawPage ~ Roblox and Discord for moots (ask over dms) ~ my memories of hell+my demon appearance ~ filter tag list ~ my rdr2 side blog @shhhhtotallynotmicahbell

This blog is 13+, I curse like a sailor and reblog/post suggestive shit. I try to tag things appropriately, but I am not responsible for whatever you may find here - I suggest you leave if you are under 13

The main content is shitposts + reblogs + occassional art and/or oneshot/fic update

thomas jefferson's (from hamilton the muscial) biggest fan - the number one hermes defender - biggest hater of the brotherhood of steel

My highest kin(s) is currently John Hancock from Fallout 4 + Dixie from Fallout 4: Nuka-World + Vulpes Inculta from Fallout New Vegas

My full kin (fictionkin + otherkin + therian) list:

Valentino from Hazbin Hotel

Barty Crouch Jr from Harry Potter

Roxanne Afton a FNaF OC of mine

Micah Bell from Red Dead Redemption 2

Demonkin

Vladimir Makarov from the OG COD MW trilogy (specifically mw3)

Maxwell Roth from Assassin's Creed Syndicate

John Hancock from Fallout 4

Dixie from Fallout 4: Nuka-World

Funtime Foxy from FNaF

Faraday from Fallout 4: Far Harbor (slightly AU'd version of him)

Kellogg from Fallout 4

Vulpes Inculta from Fallout New Vegas

Jack Kennedy from DSaF

White Persian Cat therain

Roxanne Wolf from FNaF Security Breach

(otherlink) Sylveon from Pokémon

(this is subject to change at any time)

My current fixations are currently:

Red Dead Redemption 2

Fallout

COD (just all of it it's a big special interest)

-

My favorite music artists are:

Scene Queen

Yungblud

Falling in Reverse

Palaye Royale

Marina

Melanie Martinez

Baby Bugs

Olivia Rodrigo

Måneskin

Mitski

-

My fandoms/interests:

Hamilton (musical and historical)

EPIC the musical

Death Note

Heathers (both musicals and movie)

Little Nightmares 1 & 2

Fallout

FNaF

Cooking Companions

Percy Jackson (I have only finished the first series, and I do not want spoilers, hence why I don't interact with the fandom but i really like it lol)

Hazbin Hotel & Helluva Boss (literally no clue what the creator did but I don't support her since I watch it all pirated and don't have the money lmao)

Call of Duty (I love all the early stuff (haven't played any black ops though) but especially the original modern warfare)

SIX The Musical

DSAF (specifically the 1st and 2nd ones, I don't particularly enjoy the final one)

Red Dead Redemption 2

Heartstopper

My Little Pony

Legend of Korra

-

Current favorite songs:

(all of theses lists are subject to change at any time)

I tend to use typing quirks (example: Hello ! / what ? / Hmm , / Huh .) or cursive fonts ~ please tell me if you need me to not use said quirk(s) when replying :)

I use tone tags quite often since I myself have a hard time figuring out other entities tones - you do not have to do the same for me though it would be highly appreciated

DNI: anti-xenogenders/neopronouns ~ TERF ~ anti-endo ~ homo/transphobic ~ anti-fictionkin ~ anorexia/ED blogs ~ christian centered blogs ~ Valentino hate blogs ~ just assholes in general

My boundaries are:

no sexual stuff ~ I might be Val but that doesn't mean I like sex

no mouth gore/puke ~ i genuinely hate it and it makes me ill (I'm cool with most gore but mouth stuff just grosses me out)

no weight comments like ever, please

no sending things of dead moths

no sending me stuff specifically about Val getting tortured

no asking me to donate to stuff through asks, especially if I don't know you ~ I'm not financially independent and just don't have the cash even if I wanted to donate ~ any asks asking that will be deleted

I love being tagged in stuff, but if it is a picrew, I request you don't tag me in it IF it the whole game is "make irl you" or something along those lines

do not involve me in shipping wars

I am okay with Angel Dust kins interacting, but please do not try and befriend me

I request no fellow Valentinos try and befriend me (aka please no doubles)

Also, I do not support JKR (the creator of Harry Potter) though I am still in the HP and Marauders fandoms - I dislike Harry Potter itself and only engage in the fandom side of things that is also highly against JKR

User tags:

val's little hellhole (for all general posts/shit posts, never reblogs)

heaven doesn't want me and hell fears me (vent posts)

the summoning circle (asks & strawpage asks+drawings)

valentino writes (for my writing)

charles tag !! (for my bestie @/bxtteryacid !! (you = bestie sorry not sorry >:3))

CJ tag :3 (for la bestie @/p4rty-rockaa :3)

hoarding moth (for identity reblogs 4 my hoard + posts about my genders)

moth val's art (for my art)

fictionkin asks/answers (for any/all asks/questions I get related to fictionkin)

the moth attempts to learn french (shit posting about me trying to learn french)

banner and pfp are both from Fallout 4, in-game screenshots (banner is Nisha's area in the Disciples territory in Fizztop Mountain - pfp is a screenshot of Dixie)

I'm open to questions about my identity(s) ~ intro may update in the future ~ Other than that, have fun :)

✨️ to be cringe is to be free ✨️

. .

. .

In all of my lives, I regret nothing.

I'd do it all again.

No hesitation.

-

Last up dated: 1/30/25

[corvidmellow]

moved cause i genuinely hated thinking about my main LMAOO

anyways

welcome to my blog!!

here is where i post art i’ve made and reblog art i like!

i’m a traditional artist who usually uses alcohol markers for my colour work

…undertale and oc hell, sorry not sorry. the special interest is strong and underfell sans has had a vice grip on me since 2016

asks are open! feel free to bug me about my little shit characters or request a sketch

more under the cut

here's some stuff about me :D

favorite colour? cyan!

favorite genre of movie? horror!

favorite genre of music? ...quite literally everything. my liked songs is a minefield. rn i really like rage rap and swing though!

favorite song?

favorite musical artists? will wood, hozier, jhariah, do not resurrect, BABY GRAVY, pierce the veil, melancolia, deftones, kendrick lamar, tyler, the creator, nothing but thieves, etc.

favorite literature? oscar wilde my beloved (i left his book at home don't ask me trivia blease i just love him), biology, thrillers, societal commentary

fandoms? undertale (obviously), UTMV (obviously), homestuck, deltarune, the magnus archives/protocol (no spoilers pls), the arcana, marble hornets, creepypasta… sorry.

favorite aus? underfell!!!! though i am also very fond of understate, echotale, and sunnemona’s dreamtale!

gender and sexuality? am trans and some flavor of asexual idk. but i'm also the asexual who's posting pure filth on ao3 and will not shut up about being attracted to underfell sans and nightmare

my aus and fics, currently! (corvid_mellow on ao3)

-UnderHeist (unpublished)

-Veneraverse (unpublished)

-Death and Despair Multiverse (unpublished)

-FINAL GIRL (18+)

-Finis Via

-being so normal series (on hiatus)

-Should I Stay or Should I Go (on hiatus)

-The Cat and the Canary (under major reconstruction and hiatus LMAO)

-a surprise tool that will help us later (i need to finish my breakdown and analysis so i can start on my rewrite)

i consider myself to be somewhat ship neutral!

that being said, i don’t go through and block people for ships and stuff, and the less i think about it the better, BUT!! i am incredibly uncomfortable with incest and a lot of comships! whether that be fontcest, dreammare, frans, etc. sanscest is fine (id fuck an alternate version of myself, but never my siblings), but please don’t bring any of that onto my posts 🫶

also dni if you're any kind of queerphobic, racist, fatphobic, ableist, hateful in general, OR support the harassment of people over silly internet things. you really won’t like me anyways lmfao. i will be mostly avoiding fighting with people on this blog, so i'll just block you if i catch your ass being hateful in here. i do not tolerate the hate of those who have done nothing to deserve it.

#'s!

i tag my art with “steel arts”

reblogs are “steel bebloggin”

asks and text posts are “steel blogs” and/or “steel says stuff”

me being absolutely down bad (usually underfell sans) is “steel simpery”

my writing tag is “steel be writin”

the (hopefully) occasional drama is tagged with “interfandom drama oops”

aaaaaand my ocs are tagged with “[character name] posting”

i try to tag everything i reblog with important tags, and i don’t do politics here!!

love y’all :)

divider by @kodaswrld !!

[our-transgender-experiences]

Hi Alex. Is it ok to vent a little bit a lot? It's completely fine if you don't post any response, I completely understand. This is a HUGE experience prompt to respond to.

I was birthed with the male sex (he/him) so you can call me that.

Over the past year and two months, I've been feeling just a little off. I keep a journal, and have since before that moment, so I have my experience written down carefully. In short form, I don't know who I am. In a longer form, I'm a weird, cringey high schooler who doesn't know who they are, who wears a galaxy backpack to school, who is agnostic (Christian, but can't prove it right or wrong), aromantic, and asexual. My experience isn't special by any means, in fact, I think I fit literally every queer stereotype known to mankind? Here's the best part: I live in Oklahoma, the famous place of Nex Benedict's horrific death.

About a month ago, I saw "Celeste" in a YouTube video about some of the hardest, but most enjoyable, games of all time. I looked it over, it's on sale for $5, and I'm fortunate enough to be able to afford that. So I got it and finished it within 3 days. I instantly recommended it to my brother, who also happens to be a little queer. He loved it too, but I STILL didn't know the backstory behind that game. Then, I saw the video. It was an amazing reading of Celeste, down to every minor detail of the game. One thing that stood out, was the fact that the both the creator, and the protagonist, were trans women. Even better: it was known for being a wonderful story of the trans experience, and I RELATED TO IT. EVEN BETTER: I had now recommended it to practically my entire friend group, including some incredibly religious people. So what was I gonna do about it? Not care, and continue onto the B-sides.

I want to say 5 days ago was when it really kicked in that "wait a minute, I related to Madeline in a very deep way, and she's a trans..." Now this is the climax, get ready. Because I had been journaling for so long, I had already written about my experience since those early days where I had that so-called dysphoria. And after I realized that could be because I'm trans, I immediately asked my parents what my girl names were before I was born. (doctors didn't know my sex until about two weeks before I was due) "Eden" is a pretty cool name, I guess I'll try it. I walk into my dad's office (works from home) that same day after school, and he immediately turns to me and asks: "So why did you need to know your girl names?" I immediately respond with "... idk?" Very convincing, well done. I text him after I flee to my room, "I'm experimenting, don't take that too seriously" He understands, and I'm at peace. Mom also takes it well, and we're good to actually begin the experiments I was "planning".

First up, change the online bios, like Discord. See how it actually looks on me. AAAAND my best friend sees it within a few hours. Not even prompted, we were talking, playing rocket league, and he just "hey why's your bio say you're experimenting with 'Eden' as your new name?" Explained, but he was in a weird spot. "I'm happy and will support you with whatever you **choose**." Key word there, I'm not choosing anything. I'm actually going with the flow so much more than he could imagine. But okay, we've got a pretty good ally on our side! Going great.

Except here comes "Part of Me" with the anxiety of what could happen, why I shouldn't do anything different around peers, and more importantly why I shouldn't experiment with myself. And to be honest, I believe that part of me. There's so many questions that I ask like "but what if it's all for attention?" or "but you always acted like a boy, why are you changing now? or "maybe the other Christians were right. you are a sinner after all, you're a bad person and you DO deserve to die." You know those.

And with those come the questioning part of it. Am I ACTUALLY just doing what I'm doing for attention? Like I said, I'm a high schooler. I'm a future aerospace engineer for SpaceX, I love computers, and I have top 1% test scores as a sophomore. I'm doing good with school, but that's exactly why I basically have one friend who is also up there with me. I'm not here to brag, I'm here to show that I don't get a lot of attention at school, it's basically all family members who care about me. So again, am I just trying this for attention? I don't think so, but that seems like what my brain would want me to say.

And to be honest, I needed this. I vent every day, but to nobody except Google advertisement algorithms out of Google Docs (my journal). I vent and cry into empty space, but maybe this is finally not just to my phone. This is to another human who I think has had a close experience to mine.

And of course I'm not going to ask you "who am I, who do I like, and what's my gender?" But I am going to ask you one thing: What's your take? I mean this is the trans experiences blog, but I'm not sure if I am a trans. I figured this was the best place to get a good use out of my time. Thank you so much for letting people like me do this, it seriously means a lot.

i'm glad that you feel that this is a space where you can comfortably talk about your experience, and question your gender. My advice, is to keep experimenting,and see where it takes you find out what you're comfortable with, it might take time, and it might change. It took me a while to get to where i am now, and even now i'm not 100% sure. i tried different labels that felt right at the time, but they changed later, and thats okay.

[otherpeoplesheartachept-2]

day 6: That Sort of Love

Agatha's trying to figure herself out, and why she can't seem to love like others do.

Rating: T

Length: 921

Warnings: none

Read on AO3 or below the cut :)

I thought that dating Niamh meant I was normal. 

She's handsome and smart and wears her heart on her sleeve even when she's trying to be a tough prick. She's great at kissing, and sex, and she stopped holding doors open for me when I told her I hated it. I thought I could love her. 

I should love her, but there's something wrong with me. 

I thought dating Niamh, and wanting to kiss her, meant the rest would come to me. But I was right when I said I don't have the right kind of love inside me. I didn't love Simon in the way I was supposed to, and now I don't love Niamh in the way I should. 

It's worse because I know she loves me. She hasn't said it, but she's fixed up a leak in Ebb’s barn roof. (I guess it's my barn now). And she told me she's drawing up plans to fit the bathroom with a claw-foot tub, after I mentioned I’ve always wanted one of those. And who else would Niamh leave the clinic early for just to get a bite to eat?

I don't deserve her. I try to pay her back: I bought her hair-styling products, I put kissy emojis in my texts even though it makes me feel like I’m lying, I moan extra breathy when she eats me out because I know it turns her on. 

But I don't love her. 

People speak of romantic attraction like it's this huge, magical (Normal type of magical) thing, and I just don't get it. 

What's a girlfriend beyond a friend you like to fuck? 

(I know there must be more to it though, asexual people exist, and they can have romantic feelings).

I asked Keris once how she knew she wanted to be with Trixie. She said things just felt different with her. But I don't feel different about Niamh. I like her like I like Penny. (Okay that's a bad example, I definitely like her more than Penny.) I like her like I like Ginger; like I liked Minty. Except I’ve never imagined what it’d be like to sleep with either of them. 

I told Niamh we should break up, because I can't seem to love her in the same way she can love me. She was pissed about that. I know she's insecure about ending up as nothing but an experiment for straight girls. I’m not straight though, I don't feel romantic towards men either. And after trying once with Simon I think it's safe to say I don’t ever want to sleep with a man. 

We didn't talk for two weeks after I said we should split. 

And I cried for most of it. 

I felt so stupid. After all, I’m the one who called things off, I’m the one who said I don't love her. But Niamh’s still my friend, I do enjoy her company. I wish I could be normal for her. 

I turned to Penny, (because who else do I have? I’m not about to go to Simon with my girl problems), told her what was going on with Niamh and I, how I want her, but I can’t make myself love her the right way. I don’t want to build my life around her and get married with two kids, I don’t want to feel like we have to go on dates often enough or we’re failing, I don’t want her to treat me like a girlfriend. 

Penny’s American asked why there had to be a right way to love. I wanted to slap him. I refrained though, and he asked another question: if I’d ever considered I was aromantic. 

And well, no… I hadn't. Seven Snakes, maybe I am. But what does that solve? I can’t very well tell Niamh I just want to use her for sex, can I? 

The American tried to tell me that’s not how it has to work. He’s annoyingly emotionally mature and knowledgeable about ‘alternative’ relationships. 

I thought about what the American said for a bit. And I tried preparing this big long explanation to give to Niamh, but then I got scared and deleted it off my phone. And then one of the goats got a rusty nail stuck in his hoof, and I thought it was infected so I had to go to the clinic. And of course Niamh was the only one that could help. 

She didn’t say anything about us while she examined the hoof. It hurt a bit how coldly professional she was. 

I tried to play along, I wanted to, coward that I am. But I thought about going home alone and feeling the loss of my closest friend for the 14th night in a row. I didn't want Niamh to be a stranger again. So I made myself say something. And then I was saying too much. I started rambling on and on like: I’m not straight and I do like you but I might be aromantic and it’s great when we fuck, and I worry I can’t give you what you deserve but it’s not that I never want to see you it’s just I don’t know exactly what I do want. I know I want it with you though, is that okay? Can you trust me? Can you follow my lead on this?

Niamh said she had to think about it. And she let me kiss her when I left. 

Fair enough. 

So, I guess, now we wait.

[sangaverage]

About Me I guess

NOT AN RP ACCOUNT/BLOG BUT ROLEPLAYERS AND LIFESTYLERS ARE WELCOME TO VISIT!

that being said, I do post about VTM and VTR on occasion.

Please get yourself an icon and some posts behind you (not likes, though I will see if they are semi consistent) otherwise you may pass as a potential bot and get yourself blocked, thank you

At least be mostly Safe For work before considering a follow, thank you.

(porn blogs are blocked if it's irl nudity and makes me uncomfortable, I'm all for body positivity but some things I would rather not see grace my dash!

Nsfw text and not real nudity is acceptable but I will block of I feel it makes me uncomfortable!)

I do try to keep it as light-hearted as possible over here! But Things May Happen...

FUNDRAISERS/ COUNTRY AID NOTE:

I currently do not have a job due to my neurodivergence giving me issues with most if not all work environments, Therefore Also, I unfortunately am unable to donate money to any causes or charities. I am sorry about that! do know that I am generally upset about the same things going on as you are! but please please please, do not try to peer pressure me to donate money! Not only that but I don't trust alot of people I don't know on the internet with money because sometimes you honestly cannot tell what is legitimate and what's going to clone your bank information, (Again) be careful folks! It's unfortunate but it does happen and some people are more than happy to take current events as an excuse to swindle the weak or vulnerable!

-First things first despite what you may be thinking I am an adult lol.

-I reblog More than I post usually, But You'll Know Its A post of mine as ill sign off with an Ankh (☥)

-I'm rather eclectic and into many things but this blog is just/Mostly for the Vampyre part. any non vampire, autumn or demonolatry related posts will be marked as "Not vampire related" or if from me titled "not a vampire post..."

-other things include But are not limited to: VTM, VTR, Hardstyle Music, Metal Music, Anything Gothic, Halloween (like all the time lol), Autumn/Fall (its may favourite season), Bats, Crows, Monsters (In general), Video Games, Books (bonus points if there witchy or Vampire), Animal crossing, Monster hunter.

I am a and Accept/Respect:

-Sanguinarian(s)/Psychic(s)/Tantric Feeder(s)

-Nerodivergent person(s)

(Especially anxiety and autistic spectrum)

-A-spec(s) (both Autistic and Asexual, I'm Demi Myself)

-Witchcraft practitioner/ eclectic witch(s)(All faths and practices are fine, please be mature however)

-Vampyres

-i support Any LGBTQ+ (please No MAPs however)

-i support All Races (this should not have to be said but hey)

-i support System/DID

-i support Xenogender/Xenic

-i support Therian/Otherkin/Alterhumans/ Voidpunk etc

-i am okay with Roleplayers/Roleplay Blogs/ Kin for Fun (you are welcome here but bare in mind this blog is serious about its topics, minus the occasional post often VTM, VTR or tagged "just for fun")

-Minors, you are welcome to stay but please be safe! Discretion is advised (I only say this due to some more mature discussions such as Medical Blood consumption Etc)

PLEASE DNI:

MAP and affiliated

Antis of Therian/Otherkin/furry Alterhuman in general, Anti LGBTQ+

Anti Witchcraft (including LHP/ Darkwork/ Vampirism/ Baneful)

(Neo) Nazi and affiliated (again shouldn't have to be said but hey)

Politics blogs, Nothing wrong with you personally but yes I have heard what's going on, I'm here to get away from it please and thank you

Discourse in general, yes you probably have a point but I'm not here to join in on or cause arguments (to the best if my ability anyway, you can't please everyone)

Porn blogs/ (heavy) IRL NSFW (art and text is okay but on thin ice)

NOTE 1: I personally see my vampirism as Spiritual as well as a completely normal side of myself, I didn't choose anything, I awakened and this is and always will be me. (your vampiric experience may vary)

I consider myself a "Ronin" Vampyre as I'm not a part of the larger VC (vampire community) due to too much squabbling in most Houses/Groups/Orders or just general disagreement over what that group stands for Vs what I stand for.

I'm not hurting anyone, call it escapism if you wish, don't like it, that's cool you don't have to, just don't be an ass about it.

(I also Have a YouTube, but that is a hobby and does not earn me anything right now!)

NOTE 2: As this is primarily a vampire blog, there will inevitably be some posts that contain Blood, mild gore, written (fake) violence etc! I do apply trigger warnings in the tags As "tw ______" but I shall re-warn you here!

Note 4: while I may not be a religion you are, I do accept you being that religion (unless its Nazi in any way sorry, I really shouldn't have to mention this) We all have different paths for different reasons, I respect that and so should you!

there may also be the occasional post that I will be unsure of the maturity of... if I feel or deem something is up with the image that certain eyes may not wish to see, I will tag it as "Nsft?"

-End Rant-

I would just like to share (again) that I also have a YouTube, It Has the same name as my blog (SangAverage) And covers stuff on Vampyres and also magick, Mostly from a Sanguinarian and slightly Spiritual Vampyre Perspective as well as somewhat Medsang.

You are welcome to come over and see if it's for you or not (Just pretty please behave yourselves either way! Comments are mostly on but moderated)

Here's your Link: https://youtube.com/@sangaverage-yt?si=1n15zrQiV1seOOJi

Userbox and Divider credits:

-anitalenia

-TheMotherboardSys

-silverenderboi

-Sangaverage

-Sangaverage

-Sangaverage

-sangaverage (just for fun lol)

^ icons for my userboxes are Mintaka code and found on SAVCC so credit to them

Don't be afraid to mutual me! I Don't Bite

(at least without Consent)

Thanks for your time See You all Across the veil In The Realm of SangAverage!

Or not whichever!

Enter Freely And of your own Free will!

And Sanguinarians: there's some useful resources for you in a dropdown menu if you go to my actual URL here!

I am trying to make my posts and anything I Reblog more inclusive to those who have a hard time reading/ Cannot read small text/ are visually impaired by adding notes to posts I seem important enough as "Screen reader ID (example text here!)"

[corvid-mellofficial]

hhhhhhhai

i’m steel :)

(he/him/it/its/bird - 20 - queer - US American)

welcome to my art blog!!

here is where i post art i’ve made and reblog art i like!

i’m a traditional artist who usually uses alcohol markers for my colour work

…undertale and oc hell, sorry not sorry. the special interest is strong and underfell sans has had a vice grip on me since 2016

asks are open! feel free to bug me about my little shit characters or request a sketch

more under the cut

here's some stuff about me :D

favorite colour? cyan!

favorite genre of movie? horror!

favorite genre of music? ...quite literally everything. my liked songs is a minefield. rn i really like rage rap and swing though!

favorite song?

favorite musical artists? will wood, hozier, jhariah, do not resurrect, BABY GRAVY, pierce the veil, melancolia, deftones, kendrick lamar, tyler, the creator, nothing but thieves, etc.

favorite literature? oscar wilde my beloved (i left his book at home don't ask me trivia blease i just love him), biology, thrillers, societal commentary

fandoms? undertale (obviously), UTMV (obviously), homestuck, deltarune, the magnus archives/protocol (no spoilers pls), the arcana, marble hornets, creepypasta… sorry.

favorite aus? underfell!!!! though i am also very fond of understate, echotale, and sunnemona’s dreamtale!

gender and sexuality? am trans and some flavor of asexual idk. but i'm also the asexual who's posting pure filth on ao3 and will not shut up about being attracted to underfell sans and nightmare and i love my girlfriend SO MUCH

my aus and fics, currently! (corvid_mellow on ao3)

-UnderHeist

-Veneraverse

-Death and Despair Multiverse

-FINAL GIRL (18+)

-Finis Via

-being so normal series

-Should I Stay or Should I Go (on hiatus)

-The Cat and the Canary (under major reconstruction and hiatus LMAO)

-a surprise tool that will help us later (i need to finish my breakdown and analysis so i can start on my rewrite)

i consider myself to be pretty ship neutral!

that being said, i don’t go through and block people for ships and stuff, and the less i think about it the better, BUT!! i am incredibly uncomfortable with incest! whether that be fontcest, dreammare, frans, etc. sanscest is fine (id fuck an alternate version of myself, but never my siblings), but please don’t bring any of that onto my posts 🫶

also dni if you're any kind of queerphobic, racist, fatphobic, ableist, hateful in general, OR support the harassment of people over silly internet things. i will be mostly avoiding fighting with people on this blog, so i'll just block you if i catch your ass being hateful in here. i do not tolerate the hate of those who have done nothing to deserve it.

#'s!

i tag my art with “steel arts”

reblogs are “steel bebloggin”

asks and text posts are “steel blogs” and/or “steel says stuff”

me being absolutely down bad (usually underfell sans) is “steel simpery”

my writing tag is “steel be writin”

the (hopefully) occasional drama is tagged with “interfandom drama oops”

aaaaaand my ocs are tagged with “[character name] posting”

i try to tag everything i reblog with important tags, and i don’t do politics here!!

love y’all :)

[ass-sassafras]

Tw: talk of suicide attempts and suicidal ideation.

I'm in a weird place right now. I bit the bullet and told him I don't want a relationship with him or anyone. He was sad and said I'm his best friend. It was amicable but both of us were sad. Then he went against his word and just "wanted a couple of beers." Well, Tumblr we all know what happened then. He finished off his six pack very fast then started on the wine he bought for me that I didn't ask for. We then proceeded to have a night of him screaming at me, calling me names and being as nasty and immature as possible.

The next day I said if he brings any alcohol into the house, I won't be giving him a few weeks to get his shit together and move out, he'll be moving out immediately with no money and a non-working car.

I had a cup of coffee and then went to look for yard sales so I can buy myself a bike. While I was out he sent me a text saying he feels like such a fool, and he's sorry for everything, everything. He said I deserve so much better.

In the end, he seems to understand that although I don't hate him, I'll never trust anyone again. He was my last attempt after my divorce to see if I could have a healthy relationship. I can't. It's not just the aromantic asexual part of me. There are deep psychological issues that are part of who I am. I need as much control over my life as possible, I need peace and I need to know what to expect.

I'm really going to miss him, but I'll only be missing the person he is 10% of the time, maybe 20% on a good day. But even if he checked all the boxes (responsible, stable, good for my kids, funny, nice to me and willing to compromise, no temper) I would still want to be alone. He started to cry at one point and asked if I can hug him. I did and we just sat on the couch and cried together.

We've been really honest with each other now that we know it's over. I admitted that I have been researching the least painful, most effective ways to kill yourself and this led to an odd but very honest conversation about suicide and how much the world sucks. He's had 2 serious suicide attempts that put him in the hospital before we met. I've never tried but the thought has been my shadow for most of my adult life.

He's the only person with whom I can have a frank discussion and be 100% honest. He doesn't want me to kill myself, but he knows what it's like to look toward the future with such deep feelings of hopelessness. I hate guns and I've never touched one, but I told him about how I went in to the local gun shop (Indiana USA so they're like cockroaches) and asked about prices and background checks. He was surprised and told me he didn't know it was getting that bad. I told him I know that when I talk about it, it just makes me feel worse and worries the other person.

I'm afraid that if I talk to my family about it, they'll either use God as motivation because they think I still believe, or they'll freak out and try to get me into a psych ward which I'm sure won't help and I'll be charged thousands of dollars that I don't have. But at least they'll feel like they did their job because suicidal thoughts make people uncomfortable. They just want them to go away as soon as possible.

This was supposed to be an update post in case anyone on here has read the shit I've posted about my so. Devolved into other stuff.

So in summary I will soon get to know what it's like to be single as an ace. We'll see how this goes.

[annoyedbearskull]

Lately for around 3 days now I’v been talking to this person that i matched on tinder.

Quick context.

I was talking to my friend and we were talking about our aromantic tendencies as one does; and i suddenly get another flash of wanting to get into a romantic relationship. It happens from time to time and it confuses me. So anyway i was logging into my tinder to start it up again and actually put my pictures of myself on there. It was hard to do since I’m scared of strangers but i know there’s almost no other way of meeting people for a romantic relationship for me at That point in time. I started swiping as one would do on a dating app. And I was waiting for matches. There was a bunch of asexuals and non-binarys on there! A lot of people on there just wanted friends or something more or doesn’t really know. I put like “long-term relationship” cause ya’knoe I’m lookin for love! I matched with one person but they never answered my message so I’m just waiting for them to answer bc I’m their bio they want friends so I’m like why not I want more friends. But anyway I got another match a little later that day and they texted first and said I seemed cool! So I was excited to text back and Gave them some energetic messages. They gave the same energy back and since then we’ve been texting. They’re Asexual and they’re Non binary like me!!

But the main point of this was just to say I only recently found out that on the spectrum of Aromatic, I am gray-romantic!!! From definition it says…

… I found myself labeled bestest by this label!

I always scared myself bc there were times I wanted a relationship but I could never tell the difference between romantic and platonic. But only recently texting my tinder match did I find this out about myself.

I feel as though I do like them! I’m not 100% comfortable with romantic gestures but I feel like In the future if we ever met up and started getting closer it might change. You never know until you try. And in this case I’m gonna try!

Also happy last minutes of pride month guys I hope you all had an amazing pride!!!!!

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈

🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️

🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈

[thespaceace124]

I got broken up with recently and I'm feeling messy so we're going to compare how I drove 8 hours to visit my girlfriend in college 6 times in the span we were dating (including her final return trip where all of their shit was in my car) and she went to another country and all she brought me was a jar of fucking sand. And not like, a nice jar of sand. It's a sample tube that has the name of the country written on the top. Is it possible for this to be a nice and thoughtful gift? Yes. However here are some circumstances. (picture at the end)

I was super sick the week they went. So, some extra consideration would have been nice

They got herself a very nice bag and 1 o r 2 other items

She waited 2 months to even tell me they got me a gift.

Between the trip and when I received the gift, I got into a major car accident that totaled my car and has left emotional scars I am still dealing with

I do not collect sand, or other items like sand. On occasion I will pick up a Cool Rock™

I take pride in getting gifts that are thoughtful and relevant to a person's interests. For their college graduation I got them an American girl doll (one that she had been expressing interest in) but because I also wanted to make sure the gift was good, I also found some Taylor Swift merch and bought it in 2 colors to cover my bases. This is all in addition to the cost of me traveling 8 HOURS by myself a month and a half after getting into my car accident and the emotional work of DRIVING FOR 8 FUCKING HOURS BY MYSELF with car trauma.

But I got a jar of sand. Not to mention this was right before my birthday but I knew that this was going to be a weekend about her so I put my feelings aside and graciously accepted this jar of sand. And I'm regretting it because I... A jar of sand?

This is on top of the fact that the previous summer, they had decided to stay up at the college. Fine, cool, stay there enjoy the vibes do you. I had to BEG her to visit me, one time. Beg! Because they couldn't drive and "didn't want to inconvenience anyone" and then after I said 'please plan for and get yourself down here for one week at some point during the entire summer' she tried to guilt me into changing the dates (the ones they decided) after I had gotten my pto approved and then was mad when I wasn't willing to do that, then shamed me for being upset that during I this week I had to BEG for that they were all moody about not spending enough time with her dad.

Like... Ok, you want to see your family cool I get that, but would you have come down if I hadn't begged you to?

Idk. I'm processing a lot of things and realizing that for a long time I was prioritizing them but she wasn't prioritizing me and how much of that I excused with "oh theyre in college" and "oh they don't make the same kind of money that I do" and how when we were together when I was visiting it was awesome but how when they moved back something was different.

I dont want to make this seem like I only care about gifts but they kinda highlight a bigger issue. Some other imbalances:

Outside of the college travel, I was the primary driver. She lives 20 minutes across town and so we either had to spend time at her house OR I had to make a 40 minute round trip to get us to my place. Their mom gave me gas money once or twice but this was not a regular occurrence and she wasn't giving me any.

All of the push for intimacy was from me because they asked for more. I was trying the whole time but it was NEVER reciprocal. I would try to cuddle, put my arm around them, on valentines day I really tried to dress sexy for her (a huge thing for me is that I am asexual and have 0 interest in sex) and after being asked for more I gave her a foot massage because I thought it was an easy, non-sexual way to get used to more touching. They couldn't even undress in front of me.

I was told that the way I text tends to shut down conversation so I varied it up. The biggest complaint is that I wouldn't ask questions in return like if they asked how I was, I was really bad about asking how she was. So I made a conscious effort to start texting first, to make sure I was returning questions and to make sure I was checking in throughout the day. Sending work anecdotes, pictures of random stuff, videos about things they were interested in and... Nothing. I didn't get the same consideration in return.

So again, the jar of sand is emblematic of the fact that I got very little consideration, particularly from March to September of this year.

I'm... Tired. I was really trying. This was only my second serious relationship and my first physical one (my previous long term relationship was online with someone I am still friends with) and I'm breaking a lot of things down I think. It also doesn't help that after processing the breakup for a week I sent a message saying essentially 'hey, just recognizing that you've been shitty isn't enough and until you can apologize and support me how I supported you we won't be talking" and I still haven't received an apology is immensely frustrating especially after she said "I want to stay friends because you are my best friend" like mm. Girly you haven't texted me since the end of September. You didn't respond to me when I told you I made it home. (after I drove us to dinner, my house then back to her house) and you want to stay friends? Where is the effort from you? Hmm? The only time you said "oh I want to take you to dinner" is the night you broke up with me!

So that's it, that's the post.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for ghosting a guy?

I (18F, at the time 16F) met a boy (14M) at a new church group, while I was a closeted atheist. He seemed nice, but after I hung out with him for a few weeks a girl(15F? I don't know) that I didn't know came up to me and told me he had a crush on me. I asked him about it, and he said he didn't. That was a lie.

I kept hanging out with him, and he invited me and my cousin (24M at the time) who was a youth leader to his house for his birthday. While I was there, he gave me a switch online gift card, and then later took me aside and asked me out on a date with him. I said yes. He asked me later over discord if I had done it out of pity, and I told him that I wasn't sure if I felt that way about him, but that I had never been on a date and wanted to try it.

(Sidenote, I was considering the possibility that I might be asexual at the time, and didn't know about the split-attraction model yet, so I was also basically questioning if I was aromantic. There was a bit of a testing element to it, but also I was just genuinely unsure if I felt that way about him. I know I'm ace now, but I'm still not sure if I'm aro. I would not be comfortable telling him this.)

After I agreed to go on a date sometime, he started texting me a lot, and kind of acting like we were already dating. I was busy because my exams were coming up, but he kept trying to plan the date. I felt uncomfortable, and wondered if I should have turned him down. Then my mom came in.

I had told my dad earlier about the date, but he had to be out of town for a few days after and I wanted to tell my mom with him there. After he got back, it took me a few days to tell her. She was furious that I'd kept it a secret, and between that and my friend(15F at the time)'s mom telling her about this guy being bad news, she ordered me to tell him I wasn't going on a date with him. I texted him to tell him we weren't dating and never were, and that I wasn't going on a date with him. I felt bad, and mad that my mom had made me, but also relieved.

I didn't talk to him again, even as friends, for months. I came back to the group after he left, but he came back. He asked me what happened, and I told him that my mom had basically made me send him that text, but that I also had been stressed and didn't really want to date him. I thought maybe we could just be friends. I told him maybe we could try date years and years from now, but not anytime soon. But then he gave me his old laptop.

Now, giving someone a laptop is a nice thing, but it felt a little too much like a romantic gesture for me to feel comfortable with it, so I tried to refuse it. But my Dad was nearby when the guy offered it, and Dad said that a laptop sounded great. I don't think either of them realized how uncomfortable it made me, although I did talk to my Dad about it recently and he apologized. I still have never used that laptop.

A few other things:

He told me I wasn't like other girls, which felt like a red flag.

He made a few 'left-wing snowflake' jokes around the time I was becoming more left wing.

I didn't quite feel like myself around him.

My brother (13M at the time) told me that this guy had asked him if I was dating or had a crush on any other guys, and the guy seemed very happy when my brother said no.

Eventually, my parents decided we weren't going to that church anymore. I ghosted him. I felt bad, because he had been mad about me sort of ghosting him the first time, but I was really glad I didn't have to talk to him.

He just texted me out of the blue, and it's been well over a year since we last spoke. I really don't want to text him back, because I don't want to be around him. I felt sick when I saw his text. I don't want to do this again, but it feels mean not to text him. I just texted him.

Am I the asshole for ghosting him in the first place? Was I an idiot to text him back?

What are these acronyms?

[canidfeline]

i still do not like suzan

she is a pitiful person and is generally dislikeable. as an example if you (you as in you, yourself, kleo) talk about exams, she says yeah and then makes it about herself

i do not avoid responsibility here as i do this sometimes but i hope it is known that i try to do it as a sign of me trying to relate/comfort or whatever. but i do admittedly do it

she also doesn't truly care for us because if she did she wouldnt try going to other people every time she has appearance issues. i know she addressed this when i confronted her but that was honestly a half-arsed attempt to clear up a drama i was tired of. back to suzans addressing of it, i am aware its for attention and i am thankful she is aware of it but she continues to do it.

she only cares for herself. every time she joins vc or is in a conversation she streams or makes it about herself. quite literally last time me and lily were in vc she joined immediately and started streaming BEFORE HER MIC EVEN WORKED

she brings up me saying the n word in 2020 yet said it in a genuinely nasty way to lily less than a month ago (which i applaud you for actually noticing and telling her off for)

says she wants more irl friends and is lonely and yet never tries to pursue them or make an effort to not be lonely

i will use milena as an example for how little she cares about the people around her

called her a downy and said something about cutting her wrists (unprompted and without context) and when milena was upset and ran away, she made it all about herself.

here i will quote: ''I messed up and is aid something mean without thinking to Milena and she left the school crying and now im scared she won’t want to be friends anymore so im literally crying in the school bathroom''

SHE is literally crying in the school bathroom. she's scared of losing a friend of hers for the reason that it will hurt her, not the fact that she made someone run crying out of school

and she insulted you when you tried helping which is NOT ON

quote again: ''I called her a downy and said something about cutting without knowing she’d take it to heart and she left the school and hour later with tears and then my friend told me what was wrong about what I said and my form teacher did too so now I’m scared for my behavioral grade and shit I texted Milena trying to explain myself and she only saw one part. im scared they’ll contact my mom and my mom will lash out at me. i feel so horrible''

she doesn't feel bad for milena (she had to be explained what was wrong to her by a friend) she is afraid about HER BEHAVIOURAL GRADE and her mother lashing out at her (which for once would be for good reason)

she isn't scared about losing milena as a person, she is scared of losing someone to lean on for encouragement, reliance and reassurance, and attention. that is how she views her friends (including us)

is overtly sexual while claiming to be asexual a year after claiming to be hypersexual

uses you as a cover

says slurs every time someone brings up lgbtq+ and says the t-slur every time or the f-slur (not saying i havent, although she uses it way more than me). called lily the n-word in a genuinely mean way (the one i said before that you noticed and confronted her about, yet she said to me ''i said it and kleo got onto me it was weird'' when it was deserved)

uses pictures of me saying the n word to make fun of me WHICH WAS FOUR YEARS AGO AND YOU HAVE ADMITTED I HAVE CHANGED UNBELIEVABLY IN THAT TIME. i admit i said it, but she has said it way way waywaywayway more times than me and i never used the hard r

she thinks slurs are funny and something to be made fun of (i have used them in comedic context but i mean she finds the idea of them funny)

lily also told me that when you told her off (rightfully) for saying the hard r, she says quote: ''FUCK HEEEEEEEELP HEEEELP MEEEEEEE. its so over bro kleos angry''

she thinks she is always in the right and by running to lily in dms she clearly wanted someone to back her up and go ''oh isnt this hilarious its just a joke''

i do not like her and she is a genuinely bad and pitiful person

[timeoverload]

Today went exactly how I expected it to. It was busy as hell and I couldn't catch my breath all day. I don't even want to talk about it because I'm exhausted.

My mom is doing weird shit again and I don't have the energy to deal with it right now. She sent my dad like 300 text messages today. She is blowing up my phone right now and I had to mute her because I told her I wanted to go to bed because I'm tired. That didn't register in her mind I guess because she won't stop sending me shit. I am irritated that she is saying that she only wants to come back for a month now. I'm not really surprised that she is being like this. She is pissing me off so I had to stop talking to her. It is going to be nearly impossible to plan anything. I am going to call her tomorrow and maybe we can figure something out. I might want to rip my hair out after we have that conversation. I'm not going to worry about that right now.

I have been thinking about you all day, Maxwell. I appreciate you trying to help me understand what is going on. I was wrong about you and I'm so sorry. I wasn't expecting that. It really helps to ease my anxiety about the situation when you are open with me. It makes it easier to be patient with you.

Honestly, I have never been with anyone that had problems like that so this is new to me. You don't need to be ashamed at all. I know it is difficult to talk about stuff like that.

I understand why you would be anxious about getting close to anyone. I know you don't want to get hurt and neither do I. I'm scared about that too but I don't really talk about that. I guess that's probably part of the reason I try to run away sometimes. It's not because I don't love you.

I'm not going to talk about getting married or having babies anymore if that makes you uncomfortable. If you don't want that, that's ok. I don't want to put that kind of pressure on you because it scares you away. I do want that but only if you do too. It has to be a mutual agreement.

I'm not entirely sure what you mean by saying that you are fearfully asexual. I want you to know that I would never push you to do anything you don't want to do. I am not going to force you to be intimate with me. Of course I would do that if you ever wanted to but that's not the most important part of a relationship. When I said that I wanted intimacy, I wasn't just referring to sex. I can live without doing that if that isn't something you want. There are a lot of other ways to be intimate with someone. It's also a really bad idea to have sex with someone as soon as you start dating them anyway. I don't like moving too fast. I have been pressured to do things I didn't want to do many times in the past so I am also fearful of that. I have gotten a lot of criticism too so I'm not very confident in myself when it comes to that stuff. That's why I haven't even tried to do that with anyone else. I can't do that with anyone that I'm not in love with either because it's not right. It should be special.

You don't have to touch me if you don't want to. I won't ask for hugs or anything like that. I could sit on the opposite side of the room if that would make you feel better. I'm not sure what to do.

It's ok if you don't want to be my boyfriend. I'm not going to get mad at you about that. I would still say yes if you ever decided to ask me out. I would like to be your best friend before anything else. You are already my best friend. I know it's hard to be in a romantic relationship with someone if you don't spend time together as friends first. We have spent time together but not without other people around so I'm not sure if that counts. I'm not going to demand you to hang out with me but it would make me really happy. I would love a friend to talk to and goof around with. You can tell me anything. We can hang out without it being a date. I don't care what we do. I'm still down if you ever want to go on a walk sometime or something.

I also don't want you to feel like you are losing your sense of autonomy. It would be great if you could tell me what your boundaries are so I could be more respectful of that. All you need to do is communicate. If something I'm doing is bothering you, just tell me. I need to know so I can behave appropriately. I don't want to smother you. I know I can be a little clingy sometimes so you can tell me to back off if necessary. I don't want you to run away because of that.

I wish I knew what happened to you. I wish you could tell me why you are so afraid. You don't have to tell me unless you feel comfortable doing so. I don't want to traumatize you. I don't want to make you anxious.

I was doing some reading earlier because I want to understand and I want to help you. I think that maybe you could benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy. It does work for a lot of people and I think it would help you. I hope that you will consider doing something like that because it would be good for you. I probably need to do something like that myself but I haven't had the time or energy.

I know it is hard for a lot of men to be open about their emotions because they are taught to be tough and not talk about that stuff. That makes me sad. It shouldn't be that way. There's nothing wrong with talking about your feelings. It doesn't make you weak. You need to let it out sometimes because bottling everything up for too long is unhealthy. I am wondering if you are unhappy because you have been repressing your emotions for too long. I know that it makes me feel a lot better when I talk about my problems so I think it would help you too.

You are still my favorite person no matter what. I might get angry sometimes but I always come back to you. It feels like we are magnetized to each other. I'm not sure how else to describe it. It's really exciting to be able to experience that with someone. I know I said the other day that you weren't making me happy anymore. That's not true and I was just very upset over stupid shit and didn't take my medicine. I really wish I wouldn't have said all of those bad things because I know you are having a tough time and you didn't deserve that. I apologize for being so inconsiderate.

You do make me happy and I always look forward to hearing from you. I enjoy your company a lot. You are such a wonderful person and I'm so glad that I met you. I wouldn't have made it this far without you. You have helped me to grow a lot as a person. Thank you for sticking around for this long. I appreciate that you put up with me and my antics. Thank you for listening to me when no one else would. I hope you will let me hold your hand someday. I love you with all my heart. 💖💖💖

I can't believe it's almost 9 already. This entire day has gone by really fast. I know I should probably try to eat something soon. I didn't eat enough today but at least I got hot food for breakfast and I finished it. They usually have biscuits and gravy on Thursdays so I get excited about that because it's good most of the time. I get sick of eating poor quality eggs. I have been avoiding getting those this week. There's not a lot of variety in the cafeteria. They usually don't have fruit or anything that healthy available in the morning. That surprises me because I work in a hospital and you would think they would care more about serving healthy food. I'm done complaining about that for now. I need to get up and make food I think. I am going to get ready for bed after I eat something. It's hard to move after running around so much earlier but I have to. I am hoping that tomorrow goes ok and I will try not to get too stressed out. I am staying as positive as I possibly can right now.

I hope everyone else has a great day tomorrow!!! Thank you for listening to me. :) 💖💖💖

[nxiousxpsistence]

it's over, they're all over

I've let them all go.

Yesterday was yet another Pride day in London and on Pride, nothing can make me sad. That's why it was good timing to have that convo where I literally let go of my crush after holding on to these warm feelings for a month or so - wait, exactly one month!

I found him after the march and we had a couple of drinks and talked. My intention was to lay it all on the table and gauge his reactions. Before I could say anything though, he hit me with "I've been upset over this. I get upset over things like this!." I spent the next half hour trying to understand what got him upset.

Apparently he felt like a male "pervert" perving over a femme who was not interested.

It was more like him starting something without my consent. I didn't put the binary into it, he did.

And it was just bc I didn't respond to him for about 6 hours and I hit him with "I need time to think if we can find a common ground" in the morning when HE texted me "Are we not speaking BRO?".

Forgetting how he left me on read for days on end and I never made a big deal out of it bc I didn't want to keep in contact constantly. Apparently he thought it was him being aloof and me chasing him, giving him the space just so I could bag him. Like what?

I tried to make him understand that it wasn't the original boundary-shattering but how he and I handled it in the hours following. He failed to respect my agency and my space at every step of the way. The initial attempt made me feel uncomfortable, the convo that came after didn't reduce that discomfort and, in fact, added to it.

For one, he literally said "Oh, I've been expecting this, this is too familiar." This is possibly the only notion I hate with my whole heart. It renders me without any will or means to reply. Should I try to persuade you otherwise or should I say "Yeah, you must be a genius!." There's an element of trust at stake here, too. I can't really put my trust in another person's way of thinking if they are in the habit of jumping to conclusions without enough information AND submitting to their impatience to assume the worst about themselves and myself. Like Super Hans says, I can't really depend on this way of thinking in a combat situation.

Apparently what he thought was that I must have got back together with my ex, who wouldn't want me talking to other ppl. Where exactly is my agency and my authority in that? Am I just a putty in ppl's hands and have I got no willpower to do as I please? Also, why are you trying to get closer to someone who you think can actually be dragged into things rather than following their own agency?

Towards the end of the conversation, it was pretty clear to me that we wouldn't be able to make each other understand our respective positions and I told him as much. I explained how I knew the pieces didn't and wouldn't fit and this is actually a good thing that'll save us a lot of heartache.

I think it was the toxic doublethink I got from him that put me off further. Half of the convo assumed what happened the night before was purely a misunderstanding, while the other half questioned why he wouldn't be able to use sexual innuendos while talking to me, an asexual. This way of thinking is DANGEROUS, not only for whomever he chooses to be with but for himself, also.

When you start questioning if something could be anything other than what it actually was, there's no fighting that.

He couldn't answer me when I flat out asked "Was it suggestive or not?." Because it fucking was. And him trying to convince me that it wasn't (while claiming he should be able to say suggestive stuff to me) was an even bigger red flag than the original suggestiveness. Hope he got that.

I was only shocked when he talked about how I approached him sexually and how if he'd done that, that would've been an issue with me. What he's talking about is this 4 sentences I uttered to him, explaining that I'd want a casual relationship, no strings attached, with hopefully some sexy times. That's it. It was me offering him my consent - NOT to have sex right there and there, but maybe to start talking about it, what we want, and what gives us joy and what makes us tick? How is it that our personal spaces should be available at all times to be invaded by others? Why would somebody open themselves up to hurt like this?

I was so careful not to touch him when I knew he wasn't there for it even as we were lying side by side on the same bed. It was only once that I said I wanted to touch him and he only consented to me cuddling him from behind - and that's exactly what I did, nothing more. So he did see how I approached this. He knew I wanted him badly and I was keeping a respectful distance even when we were in the same house. He knew how to do it, he just chose not to.

This was also shocking bc I realised how intricate my understanding of physical intimacy was. It was never straightforward and I knew that. But I never thought it would involve me having to fight against these linear, seemingly compulsory, and frankly childish impositions of what I need to tolerate. I don't have to tolerate shit and if somebody assumes that they do, I can't convince them otherwise. I found myself trying to explain the layers of my own sexuality which I'd got together over decades and I didn't enjoy it about a month into a situationship. Even him putting me in that position was off-putting.

He just wouldn't accept why his usual way of going about things wouldn't work on me.

This led to a painful realisation. I literally told him that if I'd been 5 years younger, I'd have taken this all in, performed the role of a good femme girlfriend, his efforts to convince me his intentions had been pure succeeding and me narrowing myself down more as we went along. It would've been a 2-year relationship AT LEAST and it'd end with him and me cursing each other for all the trauma we'd caused. I said, "I'm not in the business of depending on things changing, they never do."

It saddens me to think this is how ppl are taught to start relationships - based on wishful thinking. Mine is magickal thinking, there's a difference.

Then, he talked about how rude I was, saying he'd never do that to anyone. I said, "You mean telling sb when you don't want something?." He said, well pretty much. Apparently if he were me, he'd string me along without me knowing what he actually wanted. I'm not going to berate anyone for this, everyone has their own way, but this feels so fake and so pretentious and control freak-y to me. 1) Why would I subject myself to something I don't want to subject myself to? 2) Why could I not be courageous enough to tell ppl the truth without offending them or berating them? Why is it a no-go to say no to stuff?

It's funny bc I had told him that nothing true and real could hurt me. It apparently went over his head.

Once we had the convo, we went to the afterparty, tried to get in and couldn't, so we had a drink somewhere else. It was good as I felt things were back to normal. Like I can now have a conversation with him if I see him around.

BUT there were just 3 sentences (this is a lot isn't it?) that showed me there was no way back.

"You smoke too much, smoke less." He has no idea how much or how frequently I smoke. What is it to anybody if my way of living doesn't hurt them directly? Again and louder for the ones in the back - my life invites no intrusion.

"I don't like you when you're drunk." Then don't be around me when I'm drunk, it's easy. And if he's not comfortable with something, he can easily let me know. Holding on to it and saying it right after I "broke it up" surely isn't a good look.

"You'll get back together with your ex." Again do I have no agency? Do my words hold no truth? Why would I get myself into SOMETHING I DON'T WANT TO BE IN? This is the biggest red flag as he literally believes he can find himself in situations he doesn't want to be in. Why?

This last point is also significant bc I have this suspicion that this will be the foregone conclusion the whole community around us will have. It'll be a point of conversation how I've been flirting w sb else and my ex flirting with multiple ppl and we still live together - "Oh, they'll get back together." I understand ppl talk and I don't mind it - I know we have an interesting and somewhat "impossible" story - but I'd like to have the power to not be around anyone who'll enjoy holding on to their presumptions about me than what I actually have to say. I'd rather remain a mystery for the narrow-minded.

I am so proud of myself for keeping an eye on myself through all this. My inner child is happy. She feels protected. I'm happier now that it's over than I'd be when it went ahead.

Now I'll have 2 weeks for myself to talk to my feelings, see where they are, and persuade them that yearning for him is the better way to go than having him. I think I'll manage.

Again - I love myself and my love for you more than I love you and it's amazing.