#around and still get things done without any effort. bless my past try hard self allowing me to be a lazy shrimp with no motivation but a

[enden-k]

congrats on ur abyss run! i didnt even know they gave u a little message at the end lol (perpetualy 27 star-er here)

im rlly curious tho, if u dont mind me asking how long did it take?

oh ye it always gives this message when you went through all floors and continue

uhh not too long, first floors are always very fast to do if youre putting effort into doing it quick. i was streaming and fooling around a little, redid one floor twice and enjoyed free haitham whump three times so it was like an hour-ish doing all.

(in the first years i was always very try hard with abyss but rn i just feel tired and old LMFAO so im very chill with it and rlly just mess around and do the barest minimum. basically how i live my life ig)

[aerialflight]

Fic Rec (it's been too long and I read a whole lot of fics)

I've read so many fics these past couple of months and my need to share them to the world has seized me by the throat. Please enjoy and support these fanfic writers! They are the best. XD

-

[Naruto]

Nine-Tailed Foxes are Dead by RowlettLesbian

Ship: Shikamaru/Naruto

For Konoha, it's been one month since the preliminary Chunin exams. For Naruto, it's been six. And he wasn't in Konoha.

At the end of his ordeal, Naruto walks into the Chunin Exam finals without his left arm.

Shikamaru is very concerned. And, eventually, very precious to Naruto as they work together to solve the mysteries of Konoha and bring kindness to the Shinobi world, one adventure at a time.

(I would die for this fic. I know the summary sounds doom and gloom but IT'S NOT. This fic made me fucking cry, I don't think I've ever read a fic that characterized Naruto so right. He's so full of hope and love and develops into the best version of himself and I'm so HERE FOR IT. And it's not just Naruto, Shikamaru is absolutely amazing here along with Kakashi and surprise surprise Ino, I can't BELIEVE it took me this long to stumble across this fic. Also THE WORLDBUILDING IS TO DIE FOR!!! And the plot! Is! So! Interesting! Just, everything about this fic is just amazing so please PLEASE read this!!!)

The End of the Uchiha by RowlettLesbian

Ship: Naruto/Sasuke

“I promise, little electric spirit of this shrine,” he whispered into the soft dirt and fallen leaves, “I will never gain the eyes. I will never pass them on. And I will make sure the eyes end in my brother, so that they can’t hurt anybody anymore. I will be the last Uchiha, and see to the end of the Copy-Wheel Clan. Then all of the hatred here can stop, and my family can rest peacefully. I promise, little shrine.”

Sasuke is more than his brother thinks he is. He's more than any Uchiha has ever been. He will kill his brother, but it will not be vengeance.

It will be mercy.

(Same author as the one above, they are the gift that keeps on giving. Seriously, HOW did I NEVER FIND THESE FICS before now??? One of life's greatest mysteries. The author's sense of humor is so on point here along with the atmospheric writing that's so vivid in the mind. Their writing style is so recognizable to me now and makes me fall into the world they're creating, it's stunning. Sasuke here makes me want to hug him and the idea of him living like a feral ghibli character has me LIVING. Check the tags of the fic, all of it is true, hand to god. Please give all of the author's fics a shot, it's a rabbit hole I'm thankful I fell into!)

mil fantasmas (gritan en calma) by LegaciesandMemories

Post-Tsukuyomi, something in Uchiha Sasuke's mind shatters. The same night, Yamanaka Ino falls asleep and doesn't wake up for 15 days.

---

In which Ino and Sasuke both wake from the aftermath of the Uchiha Massacre with the ability to see ghosts, and no one is prepared for the fallout.

(This fic has arrested my curiosity and eagerness to know what will happen next. These poor kids need so many hugs and Ino is getting the spotlight she deserves. I am so excited for this fic and what it has in store! Please read! XD)

Lichtenberg Figures by Asteroid_Duck (JustThatOneGirl1815)

Name: Kakashi Hatake Rank: Jounin Status: Missing Nin Missing Since: June 15th, 271 AD Note: Flee on Sight . . . Haburashi looked his team in the eyes— three, fresh out of the Academy genin— and resolved to teach them as best as he could. And right now, his lesson was simple: “Stay. Away. From. Kakashi. Hatake.”

(Dimension travel fic with a slice of Kakashi being an absolute troll and dealing with the shitty hand he's been dealt with. Seriously, the man has the worst luck in all of Konoha. Also, the mystery of the other Kakashi's history has me leaning by the edge of my seat, I need to know.)

The Governess by Ysmirel

Ship: Kakashi/OFC

"“What,” he finally asked, “is so funny?”

Ibara bit her lower lip to keep the chuckles in, still smiling and making absolutely no effort to get more space between them, seemingly perfectly at ease within reach of a trained shinobi. Her self-control wasn't all that good, as she ended up snorting and was overcame once again by another fit of laughter. “I just- It's just-” She struggled to speak, trying to catch her breath and wiping away tears of mirth with the hand that wasn't still holding onto his vest. Finally, she looked him in the eye and said, with a smile that was all teeth and without a hint of her previous drunken stupor, “and who's going to believe you?”

As he stood there, stunned by her words and change in demeanor, he realized with dawning horror that she was right."

In which Kakashi finds himself at the other end of the troll shtick, and he doesn't appreciate it all that much.

(It's so hard to find self-insert fics with a fresh concept these days, especially in the naruto fandom. Not that I don't enjoy and devour a lot of self insert fics like it's going out of style, but it's just so nice to find something new and shiny and really damn good. I'm so pumped for this fic and how it's going to develop so please join me in rooting for this fic!)

half a league (until the valley of death) by SpectersShadow117

Kakashi can think of no reason for Sasuke's inexplicable and drastic change in behavior. He doesn't like the desperate, haunted gleam in his student's eyes, and he also doesn't like the nagging feeling that he's missing something very important. Aka: Future Sasuke goes to Past Sasuke and gives him a reality check with Specific Intentions, but as with most Uchiha, his methods leave much to be desired. (Featuring: Childhood trauma FTW, Konoha's shitty care of orphans, and absolutely no one having a fun time.)

(Sasuke wanting to change the future out of complete and utter spite has me LIVING. Sasuke is such a Mess here and the twist on the time travel premise is so good and the kid is so Traumatized and Desperate and Not Having A Good Time. Naruto and Sakura developing as better ninjas and Kakashi trying his best makes me want to scream. Also, how Sasuke thinks about Itachi makes me want to cackle. I am 100% down for this. I am rooting for this kid, go get them! XD)

-

[Harry Potter]

fruit loops in time (circle around me) by justprompts

Ships: Harry/Draco, Remus/Sirius

"This is Crabbe, and Goyle," the blonde boy says, pointing at the two boys next to him. "And I'm Malfoy, Draco Ma - "

Ron laughs, and Malfoy immediately bristles.

"Think my name's funny, do you?" Malfoy says, angrily. "No need to ask yours - "

"You're honestly so cute," Ron interrupts, yet again, shaking his head. "So tiny. And so angry, all the time. It's adorable."

Alternatively Ron Weasley, Time Traveller Extraordinaire, is stuck in the same seven year Hogwarts Loop, repeating the same thing over and over again. Naturally, he's so done with everything.

(This is the greatest hp fic I've ever read. I LOVE RON WEASLEY and by the time you read this fic SO WILL YOU!! This is the fic I WISH I have the ability to write. I read this entire fic aloud to my brother and we spent literal hours howling and talking about how utterly insane and incredible this fic is, it's amazing. This is hands down my favorite Ron Weasley. You Can Pry This Fic From My Cold Dead Fingers.)

-

[Boku no Hero Academia]

Kacchan's Cult by Ourliazo

Pro Hero Ground Zero is attacked, originally meant to be de-aged out of existence by a desperate villain but is instead launched into his 14-year-old self.

But Katsuki is a fucking pro so whatever, time to fuck up someone's day. And sure, maybe he's only one man, but that's why he conscripts the entirety of the UA student body into tearing down some criminal empires.

(It's time travel, crack, and Bakugou being his usual explody, competent self. What more in life do you want? Seriously though, please read. I'm obsessed with this fic and having a Good Time!)

Cleaning Crew; Teaching Kids to Value their Safety, for Fun and Profit by Reavv

Takenaka Hideo is a thirty-two year old, in mild desperation for money, who has just been hired as a new janitor for UA's support staff. He has a quirk that lets him find lost objects, a liaison with the police because of it, and desperate desire for competent co-workers.

Oh, and he's already lived a previous life, in a world where quirks and heroes didn't even exist.

Not a big deal, though. It's not like you ever see the janitor playing a big part in action movies. He's here to get paid, and that's it.

On the opposite side of the equation, class 1-A has to wonder at the new UA cryptid that always seems to show up when things are on fire, and who keeps trying to convince them to let the adults handle the fire extinguisher.

(A great deal of fun packed into one fic. That is how I title this fic and nothing will change my mind! Hideo just wants to quietly do his job and not get in the way. I Relate. Please read!)

Poltergeist by WriterGreenReads

Class 1-A is haunted.

Well, not really.

I AM dead, though.

World's friendliest poltergeist, at your service.

(I don't know how I got so sucked into OC fics, but I found some fantastic fics along the way so I have no regrets. The author really tries to push the premise and I just love all the interactions and dynamics that form as the fic gets further in. And the OC character and all the hijinks they get up to cracks me up! At the same time, it's pretty heartwarming and it's practically a friendships galore fic! Definitely recommend it!)

invincible by supercrunch for Engrin

Ship: Bakugou/Midoriya

This is the way the world works: the sun rises in the east. The strong come out on top. Bakugou Katsuki rockets through life like a comet and Midoriya Izuku stumbles after. If he believed in such things Katsuki would say it was written in the stars. That some god of war had looked at him and said this one. That he’d been passed along a line to get his blessings – genius, willpower, fearless ambition – and dropped off on earth.

Then, of course, there is the question of Deku. The spitfire runt. Deku, no matter what the world does to him, never stops hoping.

Until, of course, he eventually does.

(Katsuki broke him. Snapped him in half like a twig and now has to scramble to put Deku back together. “We can do this, Deku," he says slowly. "There are so many mysteries that never got put to bed. Criminals roaming around looking to hurt people and you and me, we can fix that.”

There’s a long pause. The comforter slips a little off Deku’s skinny shoulders and drowns him. “You mean like a team?”

In that split second, Katsuki makes a decision he’s never even considered. He swallows his pride. “Yeah, Deku. We’d be a team.”)

(If there was any other way canon could've gone, this is the story I would've wanted. It's perfect.)

Inadvertent Wilderness Therapy by Cacid

Following an unfortunate encounter with a teleporter on the last day of internships, Bakugou Katsuki and Hakamata Tsunagu spend some quality time in northern Canada.

In no particular order they will: build ugly survival shelters, stalk rabbits, run from polar bears, reflect on the chemical composition of trees, insult each other, and complain about krumholtz.

(THESE TWO. TOGETHER. IN THE WILDERNESS. IN FUCKING CANADA OF ALL PLACES. I still can't believe this fic actually exists and just how INVESTED I became in their relationship. Blue Jeanist instantly became my favorite ranked hero with this fic alone. HIS SENSE OF HUMOR IS TERRIBLE, I LOVE HIM SO MUCH FNIEWOPAF. BAKUGOU DOES TOO. IT'S FUCKING INCREDIBLE. *incoherent screeching into the wild*)

-

[Stranger Things]

Baci D'aria by RabbitDarling

“Love is worth the sum of itself, and nothing more.” ― Alice Hoffman, Practical Magic

Steve learned a lot at his Aunt's side before she passed but his favourite thing she taught him was baci d'aria; special little spells that you created from the heart and put into the food you shared.

In opening his heart and gifts to those around him Steve slowly finds himself a family in a way he never thought he'd get to experience. One by One he collects pre-teens to trail in his wake like ducklings and Steve can't even refute it by the time he realizes what has happened.

(This fic is so soft and Steve is just collecting people and winning them over with his magical food (literally). I am always a sucker for heartwarming, good for the soul fics so if you want to make yourself hungry and feel all warm and gooey inside, read this!)

(Don't Fear) The Reaper by TeaFourTwo

Ship: Steve/Billy

He looks down at the blood on his hands and on the floor and wonders why the memory hasn’t broken yet, why he isn’t back in Starcourt mall with control of his body again, wonders if he's even still alive at all. Is this hell then? Or perhaps purgatory? It certainly isn’t heaven, that’s for sure. None of this makes any sense…but then what's new—nothing in Billy’s life makes sense anymore.

Billy laughs then, loud and long and unhinged. It's the only sound in the whole house, and it bounces off the walls like a fucked up echo, like the world is laughing with him.

“Jesus christ you’re insane…” It’s Max’s voice and it’s shaking. It only makes Billy laugh harder, because Max has it all wrong. Billy isn’t crazy, it’s the rest of the world that’s insane.

--

Billy dies a hero of sorts. He wakes up back in his bed on Saturday morning, the third of November, 1984...nearly nine months earlier.

(Billy is stuck in a time loop and it's slowly driving him crazy. And the fic shows just how much influence Billy did have in the plot and how doomed the world is without him in it. Great character exploration with Billy's character and all the ways he's so messy and human. Definitely recommend it!)

-

[Knives Out]

The Road Less Traveled By by UisceOneLove

Ship: Marta/Ransom

If Harlan wants to leave Ransom to be on his own, fine. He'll show him just what Ransom Drysdale is capable of.

or, where Ransom chooses to prove his abilities through means of the non-homicidal variety and finds himself becoming exactly what Harlan was hoping he would.

(I found this fic out of sheer chance and god, Ransom is just, so fascinating to me as a character. Marta of course is the Best here and I will forever stan her. Seriously, this is such a good fic! Please read!)

-

[Haikyuu!!]

Sky Full of Stars by grilledsquids

The Hinatas are twins. They're practically identical.

But while Shouyou seeks out Karasuno's volleyball team to become the next Little Giant, Natsu is scouted to to play soccer for Shiratorizawa. While Shouyou sets his eyes on playing volleyball at the highest level possible, his sister wonders how much longer she can play soccer... and if it's worth it to keep going.

A Natsu-centric story featuring: Shiratorizawa VBC shenanigans, too many soccer OCs, mild teenage drama, a little bit of plot, and Semi Eita not knowing what a period is.

(It's just!! So cute and wholesome!!! The Shiratorizawa volleyball team is so fleshed out along with the OC characters for the girl's soccer team and I swear, it's been a long while since I've laughed this much at the sheer shenanigans that happen in a fic. It's surprisingly hard to find good gen fics in this fandom so finding this gem made me so happy! If you want a fic that brings a smile to your face, read this!!)

like water by speakingincode

Ship: Oikawa/Kageyama

“Oikawa,” Iwaizumi says, and when Tooru looks at him, he can read My best friend’s an idiot off the crease of his eyebrows. “Are you telling me you spent the last three years weirdly obsessed with Kageyama – I still remember the time you made us play him on a dumb whim, you know – and now you’re at his beck and call? Are you okay? What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I’m— I’m not at his beck and call! I said no last week. It’s… It’s like you said. I get bored easily. I saw him at the park a couple weeks after they played Nationals and called him a perfect little tyrant, and he pestered me into spending time with him after,” Tooru says. “I’m not a monster, Iwa-chan. If he wants the company of his cool, handsome ex-upperclassman that badly, who am I to begrudge him?”

Or: Oikawa doesn't know why Kageyama keeps asking to meet him on Saturdays. He also doesn't know why he keeps saying yes.

(The fact this fic is canon-compliant and covers post-canon too makes me want to shout to the heavens. Fucking incredible! One of the best Oikakage fics ever and it's a crime how it's not at the top of the ship tag. Please please read!!)

twist into your shape by kakkoweeb

Ship: Oikawa/Kageyama

The only thing better than sweets were sweets containing paper that told you whether your future would be good or bad--or in Kageyama and Oikawa's case, paper that somehow caused you to live inside each other's bodies.

(Everyone probably already read this fic but it needs to be said, you need to read this fic. How these two try and manage each other's lives and slowly start to care about one another is so beautiful and sincere and I am ready to wrestle anyone to the floor and comply them into reading this fic. Doesn't matter if you like the ship, you will become a fan if you read it, I promise. Please please read!!)

Take the Long Road Home by pepperfield

Ship: Kuroo/Sawamura

When Azumane Asahi goes missing before his engagement meeting with Kozume Kenma, what other option is there but for Daichi to impersonate his brother and fake his way through a first date with Asahi's fiance?

Okay, let's be realistic - there were probably at least four other options.

Unfortunately, Tetsurou couldn't come up with any of them either, so now he's here flirting with Kenma's future husband while trying to keep his web of deceit from collapsing.

It's going to be an eventful day.

(I got obsessed with this ship alongside Oikakage and SO WILL YOU. THE POTENTIAL. THE BANTER. THE FACT THEY'RE BOTH DORKS AND THE FIC HAS IDENTITY SHENANIGANS DANCING ALL OVER IT!! I had so much fun reading this and these two are MEANT TO BE FENIWPAF. If you don't see the potential of this ship, you will now.)

a misunderstanding a day keeps the boyfriend away by bartallen for betuls

Ship: Kuroo/Sawamura

Kuroo doesn’t fall in love hard and fast like many others do – he falls slowly, and very very softly. Most of the times he doesn’t even realise he’s in love with someone until it’s too late.

(Kuroo is the dumbest man alive and I've never related to someone so hard in my life. God help me.)

You like me. by roseknight

Ship: Daishou/Kuroo

Kuroo nearly lived a Daishou-free life, and sometimes he looked back and wondered how much better and how much worse that would've been.

(I didn't even know who Daishou was until I read this fic and now I can't unsee the potential this ship has. I'm a ruined woman and I regret NOTHING.)

Kings of the Road, Kings of the Universe by EzzyDean

Eight magical captains, one bus, an entire summer (and country) waiting for them.

What could possibly go wrong?

(The magic of friendship meets the magic of a summer road trip meets pure magic.)

(CAPTAIN SQUAD IS THE BEST SQUAD SOMEBODY PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SEND ME SOME CAPTAIN SQUAD FICS I AM SO IN LOVE WITH THIS SQUAD IT'S A PROBLEM AAAAHHHHHH!)

宿縁 : See You Soon by MissKiraBlue

Ship: Oikawa/Kageyama

Upon arriving at the train station of death, an impure soul is granted a second chance at life against his will. Reincarnating into the body of Kageyama Tobio, a 15-year-old boy who recently committed suicide. Tobio's soul will depart at death and the soul needs to slip in to replace it. If the soul's reformation succeeds, he’ll reenter the cycle of rebirth and regain the right to be reborn. He will have three months to accomplish this task.

“Even though you had enough of life,” the soul whispered into the void of the room, “you were still afraid to hurt your hands, Tobio.”

Afraid of giving himself a scar, if he survived.

He touched his pulse and grasped life and couldn’t help but pity Kageyama Tobio.

"You wanted to die and now I’m here making you live again," he whispered into the night.

(I'm not even exaggerating when I say out of all the fics in this entire goddamn, too long list, this is the fic I'm anticipating and heart eyeing the most. It's only starting, but I already cried on chapter fucking 2, the power of this fic, holy shit. The author also wrote the hq time loop Every Tomorrows series, which I have an undying love for and am full on praying for the day it updates, so you KNOW this fic will be just as good. (Anybody who hasn't read this series, where the hell have you been?? Read it!!) Just, everything about this fic hurts me and something in my chest just aches when I read this fic. Go into it blind with an open heart and I swear to you, it's going to change your life. I'm already calling it. Seriously though, please please read!)

-

[Crossover]

Learning to Fly by Asteroid_Duck (JustThatOneGirl1815)

Fandoms: Boku no Hero Academia, Naruto

The number three hero is a walking (well, flying) contradiction in every sense of the word. This includes his teaching skills. Why had Tokoyami agreed to this internship again? Oh right. He’d thought he was actually going to learn something. …….remind him to never be so optimistic again. . . . OR, Kakashi Hatake is reincarnated as the pro hero, Hawks. Tokoyami Fumikage suffers as a result.

(The reincarnation fic I never thought I needed and it's so good!! I've never really paid attention to Tokoyami and this fic sent me headfirst into loving him. Their dynamic is so interesting and I just love how their relationship develops. Also, Kakashi trolling the poor kid made me cackle, it's great! Definitely recommend it!)

Si Vis Pacem by athenoot

Fandoms: Boku no Hero Academia, John Wick

Everything has a price. That's what John has always known and will forever remember, even in death.

Which is pretty ironic considering his current circumstance.

Instead of a grown, scarred, weary body belonging to a man as cruel and broken as him, he's inhabiting a younger, smaller, unblemished one belonging to a child with strangely colored hair, and is living in what seems to be a superhuman society.

Well. May it never be said that John isn't a strategist. He can live with this. Maybe.

(Somewhere out there in the universe, he's certain he could hear the laughter of his enemies from beyond the grave.)

-

Or: John Wick is reincarnated as Midoriya Izuku. The world should probably watch its back.

(This should be one of the crackiest fics I've read in a while, but it's taken so seriously and I'm so HERE FOR THIS. John Wick being John Wick in a world of quirks and heroes is the GREATEST, honestly, he's so badass. Bakugou, I feel for you, you must be so fucking confused lol. Bakugou trying his best to be a good friend is one of the best things about this fic. Trust me, this fic will make your day, promise!)

A Girl's Mind is a Dangerous Place by clenastia

Fandoms: Naruto, Fairy Tail

Natsu wakes up in Sakura's body. It only gets worse from there. Also known as: In Which Natsu has No Idea what to do with Boobs.

(I binged this in two fucking days, I couldn't put it down. This fic reminded me why I liked fairy tail when I was younger and why Natsu is honestly such a great protagonist, god. And the fic does that thing, you know, the Thing where when two worlds collide, the characters struggle to acclimate and adapt to a completely another world with different rules and mindsets against their own. This fic is seriously one of the best when it comes to that aspect, it's incredible. I am going absolutely feral over here for this fic to update, I'm waiting in the wings, ready to pounce like a tiger, all the metaphors man. For the love of god, read this fic.)

Give me a landscape made of obstacles by Melise

Fandoms: Naruto, Natsume's Book of Friends

Kakashi Hatake isn’t who he says he is.

Because the truth is that he’s actually a youkai in disguise, a wolf spirit named Madara who stumbled across the Hatake clan during the Warring States Period. Intrigued by the shinobi he saw, he’d proposed a temporary alliance in which he would offer the clan protection in exchange for their teachings.

Decades later, Madara is surprised to find himself inadvertently summoned to Konoha by the last living member of the Hatake clan. Sakumo Hatake, who is mourning the recent deaths of his wife and stillborn child, doesn’t want to be alone anymore. So with his permission, Madara takes the place of Sakumo’s deceased son in order to watch over the last Hatake.

(Fusion in which the youkai of Natsume’s Book of Friends all exist in the Naruto world. No knowledge of Natsume’s Book of Friends required).

(Before this fic, I only had a very vague idea of what Natsume's Book of Friends was, and honestly, I still don't know much about it. But I didn't really need to know to get into this fic. I love the worldbuilding and the relationships Kakashi forms, both supernatural and mortal. I love how Kakashi's inhumane ways affect others around him, whether to stress them out or become used to the strange. You can go straight into this fic without knowing anything and absolutely still have a fantastic time. I definitely recommend this so please read!)

[loversandantiheroes]

Can. Can we talk about how dexterous and clever Whiskey’s hands are. Can we talk about how strong and nimble and skilled they are. Can we.

(Hands anon) And honestly I’m a Frankie and Mando girl as well, you KNOW they hands are just as good 👌🙌

I want you to know I have tried to come back to this ask I don’t know HOW many times, but I always get incredibly distracted and just kind of stare into space with my eyes glazed over for like forty-five minutes.  Can’t imagine why...

1.8k words of pure hand-related yearning featuring Din, Frankie, Whiskey, and a bonus Ezra bc I was compelled.

Din’s hands are exactly what you’d expect in some ways - broad and strong as vise-grips, but meticulously deft when it comes to things that require care, whether that’s stripping down his weapons to clean them or patching your wounds (a surprise in and of itself given the impatient, almost flippant way he tends to the holes in his own hide).  What is surprising is just how soft his hands are under those ever-present gloves.  If you ever bring it up he’ll only huff a laugh, insisting his hands are as much a part of his toolkit as his weapons and his armor, and he wouldn’t be much of a Mandalorian if he didn’t take care of his tools.  Unpainted beskar needs to be cleaned and polished frequently, his guns need to be maintained, and the leather of his gloves need oiling to stay supple.  And his hands, too, need maintaining.  And well, hide is hide, and the oil he uses on his leathers goes a long way towards making sure his hands don’t crack or chap.

He’s a man of opposites, especially once you start to get past his defenses.  He can be absolutely unyielding and also shockingly gentle.  With the armor on he can be almost brazen about the way he touches you, particularly if what’s between you is purely physical.  Just scratching an itch?  Oh, he can do that, that’s easy.  And those hands can lock you down better than any binders.  But if it becomes more than that, if he starts pulling you close when he’s just down to his flight suit and there’s no cold press of metal between you, and finally works up the courage to pull those soft-worn gloves off?  It’s hard to imagine this is the same man.  He’s hesitant.  Nearly timid, you think at first, until you realize his hands aren’t trembling just from nerves but from the effort of control.  Touch is a luxury Din has never been afforded, something new to learn in the dark of his bunk with you pressed up against him with your back to his chest, overwhelmed by the simple contact of his fingers curling hesitantly around your own.  Give him time to breathe, to process, to touch without fear that it will overload him or that he might by some pure accident of excitement touch too hard and hurt when he doesn’t mean to (it is, he still thinks on his more rueful days, what he is built for; not this tenderness).  Your patience will absolutely be rewarded.

Frankie’s a bit of a different story, bless his heart.  His nails are starting to look a little less ragged these days - the nicotine gum has gone a long way towards both helping him back off the cigarettes and keep him from chewing them ragged when his anxiety’s off the rails - but given when he’s grounded he tends to go for more hands-on jobs, his hands can take a horrible beating.  If he’s not seeing anyone he doesn’t bother much trying to take care of them beyond pumice soap and the occasional application of vaseline or bag balm in the winter time when they get chapped.  But if that should change, suddenly he’s blisteringly self-conscious about his hands.  The spots where the skin is rough and peeling, the calluses that he’ll never be able to file down and the ones he is only just beginning to see fade (index finger, between the first and middle digits - his thumb still worries over it absently, as if trying to rub it out).  He buys a nail brush, starts using balm every night, trying to work the coarseness out of his hands before he ever dares to touch you with them. 

And god he wants to touch you.  Touch is a grounding thing for him, a much-needed anchor to keep him in the here and now.  If he’s near enough you’re almost certain to find his hands on you - snaking his fingers between yours, or resting his hand light and warm against your thigh when you come along for a drink with the boys, or pressing his palm flat and solid against your back to keep you steady when he walks you to the car after.  And that’s maybe the thing that clings to your bones the strongest: how safe those hands make you feel.  He’ll learn your body until he knows every dip and curve, knows the paths to skate his fingertips along, where to press in deep, where to only graze until he’s got every nerve singing.  But it’s that sense of safety that overwhelms you, that feeling when his hands cup your face or settle gently on your hips or close warmly around your own that there isn’t a force in the world that could hurt you as long as he’s there. 

Tell him so.  Fold his hands up in your own, brush your lips over his knuckles, and tell him that you know you’re in good hands - in the best hands.  It’ll nearly crack his heart in half to hear it.  He knows what those hands have done, no matter how hard he’s tried to wash them clean of it.  But if they can make you feel safe, then maybe they’re worth something after all.

Whiskey is too vain not to take care of his hands, let’s be honest. Though there is a bit of practicality to his vanity - there always is, somehow, like the grain of sand that spawns a pearl.  He learned early enough that if he was fool enough not to take care of his hands it played hell with his ability to use them properly, and much like Din, he fully recognizes that his hands are as much a necessary tool as anything Statesman could provide him.  Decades of experience with his lasso, whip, and guns have left the palms of his hands thickly callused (his right only slightly more so than his left), but careful attention has assured they’re never outright rough.  The way he uses those hands, though, that’s a different story.  They’re strong and shockingly clever, and just as greedy as the rest of him.  Whiskey has a permanent case of Roman hands and Russian fingers, all too likely to have his hand dangerously high up your thigh in public (and far higher still if you’ll let him), but always just out of the view of the people around you.  He’s a menace, through and through, but rest assured, he won’t be putting his hands on you unless he’s sure you want that (and if you do, he will absolutely make every second count - he is as greedy for your pleasure as he is his own).

If he’s managed to get himself in a state where there’s more than just his libido involved, well, it’d be disingenuous to suggest that tactile greed ever goes away, there isn’t a snowball’s chance in hell of that, but it does change.  He still wants to touch you (there isn’t a second in the day this man does not want to be touching you, somehow in some way), but it’s different.  It’s smaller touches among the big ones, almost innocuous.  Fixing your necklace when it’s crooked.  An idle stroke of his thumb along your wrist, or a brush of his fingers along your forehead to sweep the hair out of your eyes.  Helping you in or out of your coat, or taking a knee to do up the laces of your winter boots, or nuzzling ever so briefly into the back of your neck while his clever fingers cinch up a knot into the new apron you bought while you were on a baking kick.  The man’s got twenty years of latent domesticity stored up and he can’t quite help it if you bring it out in him.

When you meet Ezra, he’s down to just the one hand, though you don’t quite notice at first.  You're making your introductions - new dig crew, small, but seemingly well-seasoned, even counting the young girl that keeps a nervous orbit around Ezra - not quite clocking the way his right arm moves just a little different under the thick fabric of his suit until you close your hand around his and feel the hardness of metal under his glove.  If anyone is bold enough to ask how he lost the arm, he’ll just give a grin and insist it is not lost: he remembers exactly where he left it.  His remaining hand is striking somehow when you first see it without the thick gloves on.  Wide palm, thick fingers, a prominent thumb joint.  A small black target tattooed there in the webbing between his thumb and forefinger.  But his right hand, his new hand, he never takes the glove off of that one.  It’s accident the first time you see the thing in full, poking your head in his tent to let him know breakfast is running a little late on account of a brief problem with the water pump.  You find him sitting on his bunk in a battered thermal shirt with one sleeve cut off, his suit shoved down to his waist as he wrestles the prosthetic into place as Cee adjusts the harness over his shoulders.  It’s by no means top of the line, but it’s no cheap thing, that much you can tell.  The fingers, you know by now are fully articulated, and you can see now the digits and palm are thickly padded with silicone grips.  Ezra’s face hardens at the intrusion, Cee freezing behind him like a startled deer.  But then he sees it’s only you and the tension drains, his face softening, and he assures you they’ll both be out in a tick, just as soon as he’s made himself presentable.

It’s weeks later that you realize he’s only ever touched you with his right hand once.  Just the handshake that first day.  It’s tough to notice, honestly.  He’s not one to crowd into your space if you don’t want it, unless of course he’s trying to make a point.  You remember the floater that had wandered into your camp trying to make trouble, and the way Ezra had put a seemingly amiable hand on the man’s shoulder as he talked, smiling big and broad, and it wasn’t until the man cried out, dropping to his knees and clutching uselessly at his shoulder that you realized the full strength he carries in that prosthetic.  But every time Ezra is close enough to you to touch, it’s his left that finds you.  He makes a point of it, even going so far as to stay to your right when you walk together, but you don’t fully notice until one day he turns to you with an awkward twist to take hold of your arm with his left rather than his right.

It’s later, much later, in the dim quiet of your own tent, when the small touches finally snowball into something larger and more urgent and finally you feel that hand on you, bare and broad and warm as he cups the back of your neck to draw you close, and he almost laughs into your mouth when you suddenly ask him why he does that.

“Dear heart, if I am to touch you, I mean to feel it.”

Perma-Tag: @missredherring @dovesnroses @astroboots @magpierhymes @alienprincesspoop @aasimarr @maythxthirstbxwithyou @recklesswit

Pedro Perma-Tag: @ithinkhesgaybutwesavedmufasa @corvueros @thirstworldproblemss @littleferal @krissology @frannyzooey @Forallthestarsinthesky @princess76179

[shingia]

Heya. I know this is very angsty of a request, but I saw the fic of characters reacting to their s/o who [tw] relapsed into self harm and was wondering if you would do some for asahi, ushijima, and oikawa?

[𝐓𝐖] 𝐒/𝐎 𝐑𝐄𝐋𝐀𝐏𝐒𝐈��𝐆 𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐎 𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅-𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐌 𝐩𝐭.𝟐

hi ! ofc you can honey <3 i hope these will bring you as much comfort as you need, and plz don’t hesitate to dm me if you need to talk to someone, or to reach out for help in any way. here’s a hug for you bcs you deserve it, love you 💗 

also im sorry but i really couldn’t imagine asahi ever arguing with his s/o so i didn’t include this in his fic (he really is too precious)

warnings : mentions of self harm, one mention of blood, some self-depreciating thoughts. please do not read if any of these might trigger something, stay safe everyone <3

➾ 𝐚𝐬𝐚𝐡𝐢

asahi trusted you blindly. and everyday, he had to make an effort to persuade himself that you trusted him in return. you did of course, how could you not trust the one that had helped you through so much ?

but this wasn’t about trust ; it was about shame. because the last thing you wanted was to find in his eyes the anguish and fear as they were a few months ago. you couldn’t do that to him, yet you kept doing that to yourself.

however, you had the misfortune - which was more of a blessing really - to have a very observant boyfriend who cared about you. and he cared enough to gather the courage to finally ask you about what he had hoped you’d come to him for. sat next to you on the couch, he took the plunge. 

« do you… do you remember when you promised to always come to me if you needed help ? ». there, he had said it. and from the way that his arm tightened encouragingly around your waist, you understood what he meant by this innocent question. he kept speaking : « you know i trust you, right ? i really do. but something tells me that maybe you forgot about this promise recently ».

each of his words was carefully chosen, more than usual. because even if he didn’t show you, he was terrified of messing up. the fact that you were reluctant to answer was enough for him to understand that he had guessed right. but what confirmed it was the single tear that slowly streamed down your cheek.

« oh angel, no, come here. come, you’re ok now… » he spoke in a tone that was more comforting that anything you had ever heard. his arms were wide open for you to snuggle in, and when they wrapped around you, his words replayed once again in your head. i’m ok now, i’m ok now… you repeated internally. and you were, asahi was a man of his words after all.

« i’m sorry for being weak » you finally said after a few seconds of silence, voice half-muffled by his embrace. his warm fingers traced the outline of your face, encouraging you to look up to him. not because he needed to see your face, he already knew it by heart, but because you needed to see his. « weak ? y-you’re the furthest thing from weak. how can i even put it..? you are one of the strongest person i know, and i wouldn’t be half the man i am today if it weren’t for you. 

you wanted to thank him, but exhaustion took hold of your body before any word could leave your tight throat. and when you woke up - two hours later according to the clock - asahi was still there, holding you tight against his heart like a promise to never let go of you anymore.

➾ 𝐮𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐣𝐢𝐦𝐚

ushijima hated to waste time and energy on ‘petty fights’, as he liked to call them. but it was really frustrating to always feel like he avoided confrontation ; arguments were necessary in a relationship, and he didn’t seem to understand that.

whenever you got into fights, you were always the only one to get angry, which never failed to make you feel guilty afterwards. and eventually, this feeling of guilt started to become permanent, taking so much place in your brain that you had to sacrifice a part of the self-confidence you had built up the past months. but you didn’t know how much longer you could conceal it.

tonight was the first time you were sleeping together since your most recent fight, the one that had damaged you so badly. and you couldn’t lie, feeling his warmth next to you after about three days spent ignoring him almost felt like a reward. but a reward for what ? you were certainly not proud of what you had done, and you were terrified at the thought that he’d ever notice it. but unfortunately, your efforts to pretend like everything was ok were put to an end in the middle of the night, at about 3 am. something silly, really : ushijima had just turned around in his sleep, and his shoulder accidentally weighed on your wrist, making you hiss in pain. he immediately opened his eyes at the sound, his hand immediately finding its way to your side - he was always a light sleeper with you.

« are you ok ? » he asked, propping himself on an elbow, barely distinguishing your silhouette in the dark. « yeah, just my wrist. come on, let’s go back to sl- ». oh… that wasn’t supposed to be said out loud. it was hard to gauge his reaction since you could not properly see his face, but since he sat on the bed as soon as you interrupted yourself, you understood that it had not fallen on deaf ears. « are you comfortable with me turning on the lights ? » he asked, obvious concern in his voice. saying yes was tempting, because you knew this was a serious matter, but you couldn’t bring yourself to let him see you like this, vulnerable and ashamed.

ushijima accepted it of course, he knew he was not the best with words, so the least he could do was to make sure you were comfortable with whatever he decided to do. « is it ok if i hold you ? » he asked once again, his tone a bit more hesitant. the muscles in your jaw tensed at his words, it was more than ok, or at least you wanted to give it a try, but the worry you had caused him was bringing you back to the familiar feeling of guilt.

however, when he carefully made you rest on top of him like he had always done, something inside you felt healed to know that whatever you were going through did not impact every aspect of your life. his embrace felt the same, so did his heaving chest that rocked your body to sleep every night. surprisingly enough, you did not shed a tear. because the comfort finally felt stronger than the pain, you refused to let anything trouble this moment.

« are you ready to talk about it ? » he questioned, his voice rumbling like a soothing storm in his chest « or do you prefer to wait until tomorrow ? ».

ushijima might have avoided many discussions with you, but this one ? he simply refused to. and if he was more than ready to help you overcome your pain, he also knew not to pressure you into talking. words would come, eventually. but actions were always first.

➾ 𝐨𝐢𝐤𝐚𝐰𝐚

despite his usually confident behavior, oikawa knew he had a tendency to second-guess each and every one of his actions, and to beat himself up quite often.

he could not remember the last time he had felt so utterly disgusted by himself, he was usually more careful with his words. but all it took was one angry outburst from him for you to withdraw into yourself - and he had to fix this as soon as possible.

luckily for him, your relationship was strong enough not to be too affected by this argument - which had not been your first, but definitely the biggest one. however, you had been affected. a lot actually. but you knew better than to talk to him about this, knowing that he would obviously take the blame for your relapse.

but oikawa was attentive, and, clever as he was, it did not take long for him to guess what you were going through when he saw the red-stained tissues in the bathroom trash. it had been two weeks since your fight, and just the thought that he had left you alone with your struggles for so long made him want to throw up.

without wasting any more second, he burst out of the bathroom and made his way to the living room where you were absent-mindedly watching a movie. he would have preferred to have a discussion with you with a clear head, but the sight of the tissues kept spiraling in his head and he was incapable of doing anything else but to pull you in for a hug whose suddenness made you gasp.

oikawa’s hugs were usually soft, with little kisses here and there and a few compliments chuckled in your ear. but today had nothing to do with those. his arms were engulfing your figure in a desperate need to feel you against him, like he was trying to make up for all the time he had left you alone. « i’m so sorry, so sorry baby�� can you forgive me ? » he breathed out, his voice cracking with emotion. obviously you knew what he was referring to, how could you not know ? and just like him, the thousand words on your mind only transcribed in your arms wrapping around him, closing the last few millimeters that separated you as you frantically nodded your head yes. 

you did not think he had anything to be forgiven for, and sadly, you also knew that he would continue to blame himself no matter what your answer had been. that was actually your biggest motivation to begin your recovery journey. oikawa needed to know that, from now on, you’d turn to him instead of your old habits. and you wanted nothing more than to make him happy, so, since his happiness seemed to depend on yours, it could be considered a package deal towards a better future, together.

before you leave, here are links to two mental health support apps that i hope will help you deal what you are going through right now. i know it’s not much but i’ll be the happiest girl if this helped someone in the tiniest way. take care of yourselves ❤️

Calm Harm - Play Store | App Store

Wysa - Play Store | App Store

@toworuu @catwithangerissues

[keyofjetwolf]

Oh boo-hoo, darkness, get over yourself, or, Rei Hino: Comfort Lesbian

We’ve been building to this for the past several episodes now, this moment where we finally get confirmation of all the turmoil Ami is feeling, about Usagi and about Naru and, especially, about herself. All of which is delicious and complex and everything I wanted but could hardly believe they’d give us. It’s not a good look for Ami! It’s angry and lonely and uncertain!

Ami especially, I think moreso than any other character across Sailor Moon iterations (character who actually gets screen/page time, anyway) is boiled until she’s lost most of her flavour. I think the anime tries hardest, but often replaces “the smart one” stereotypes for “the nice one” and calls it a day. For whatever reason, it’s like Ami’s an action figure they’re afraid to take out of the box because they might get her dirty and diminish her value.

Not PGSM, though. PGSM is just “AW YEAH LET’S PLAY” and pitched everyone in a mud puddle.

I AM ALIVE

I’ve talked about this again and again, how much SENSE this makes for Ami. Completely ostracized for her entire life, she’s got her first taste of what it means to not be alone, and she’s hooked. Usagi is like a drug for Ami, she’s the entire focal point for everything positive Ami’s feeling, and she’s terrified that without Usagi, she’ll go back to the way things used to be, and she CAN’T, she just can’t.

And she needn’t be! PGSM has gone out of its way throughout the series so far in showing us how much Ami has already grown and changed for the better. Fuck, look at just this scene! There’s something wonderful and precious about the bond between Ami and Rei. They’re each other’s first friend that they made THEMSELVES, using the things that they learned through their friendship with Usagi. Ami has reached out to Rei more than once, able to see through her stoicism and bluster and navigate through it (versus, say, Usagi just flat out ignoring it). She allows Rei to keep those defenses while still reaching for her, making Rei that much more willing to reach back.

Rei also sees Ami. She’s never been smitten a day in her life, and Rei isn’t inclined to throw every little questionable thing into the spin cycle until it comes out gleaming and perfect. Ami’s weird and awkward, but so what? She’s a good person, and she tries. Every single time Rei would rather deal with someone who tries too hard rather than not enough.

They can do this. AMI can do this. She HAS. Even in this scene, where she’s confessing to Rei, it’s abundantly clear how much stock she puts in Rei’s opinion. Particularly BECAUSE it’s Rei (really, it had to be Rei), who wouldn’t even know where to start trying to give someone an insincere platitude, Ami trusts what she says, and at no point in any of this, even at her lowest and most intense self-hating, does Ami think Rei isn’t her friend. The problem is that Ami has pinned so much on Usagi, and so little on herself. Usagi is the keystone; pull her out, and it all collapses.

Again, all of my love to PGSM for going here. For looking at Ami, really thinking about how broken her life would have made her, and being willing to follow that thread. She confirmed -- directly, in the text, by her own words -- everything I hoped we were building to.

INCLUDING THIS SORRY BRB HAVE TO RUN AROUND THE OFFICE SCREAMING AGAIN

There’s so much going on, Ami is having a fuck of a day, but this is perhaps the thing she’s most upset about: the realization that she might just be kind of a shitty person. There’s been nothing in Ami’s life that would have even hinted she could be like this. Hell, there’s basically BEEN nothing in Ami’s life before now. But here it is, she finally gets something worthwhile, and this is how she acts? No wonder she went without friends this long, if this is who she is. Usagi was just wonderful enough to try and see past it, that’s all, which only makes Ami feel even worse for “deceiving her”. God, what a beautiful inescapable spiral Ami’s built for herself, I’m almost impressed.

REI HINO IS NOT IMPRESSED

HHHHRNRNNNRRNGGGHHHGNNNNGHHHRR

SHE’S SO NOT HERE FOR ANY OF AMI’S BULLSHIT. Not the deep dark confession, not Ami eating herself up over it all. Ami’s barely started, and Rei’s already had enough.

Sidebar to say how much I fucking LOVE how they shoot all this. Rei’s angry stomp slicing across the camera, interrupting Ami’s efforts to drown herself in all this. Her angry clenched fist (A REI HINO FAVOURITE), the way the camera rises as it follow’s Rei’s towering presence. She carries so much authority in this scene, you can FEEL her and how little she is going to put up with all this. The way Ami gazes up at her, too, once again giving Rei all the power between them. It remains to be seen how much of this will stick, but what’s clear is that Ami will listen to Rei, and believe her, even if just for this moment.

The way Rei completely brushes all of Ami’s angst away though, AAAAAHHHHH I DIDN’T KNOW I COULD LOVE HER MORE BUT SHE ALWAYS MANAGES TO FIND A WAY TO MAKE ME. Ami’s completely undone by this, and Rei’s just “Psshh, whatever, this is entry level ‘dark’, get over yourself.”

But she also makes it an invitation. “Congrats! You’re human.” Ami’s sin here, if she could be said to have one, is in not dealing with it all very well, and she’s basically an emotional newborn, so even there, it’s understandable.

One of the best things about this, though, is how Rei is meeting Ami on much the same level Ami connected with Rei. Not ignoring how they feel, nor dismissing it, just accepting it and moving forward. We STILL don’t know why Rei was so bothered about going to that guy’s house to protect his not-the-ginzuishou, but Ami didn’t chase down the why or convince Rei it wasn’t a problem, she simply offered to go in her stead. Here, Rei doesn’t insist Ami is the purest pure snowflake gumdrop who would never think a bad thought in her life, she just says “Bitch, you ain’t special.” Usagi’s all-inclusive love is wonderful, and I don’t doubt the power of its constant dopamine hit, but it’s also in so many ways unrealistic and impractical (much like Usagi herself), and once again, I tip my hat to PGSM for being the ONLY Sailor Moon incarnation willing to go there for its main character, too.

(I don’t know if PGSM had a mission statement, but you could tell me it was “Each and every one of these girls is fascinating and wonderful AND DEEPLY FLAWED” and I would just nod in emphatic agreement.)

What about Rei’s darkness? I don’t know! THANK YOU FOR ADDING IN A BARELY RELATED MYSTERY. The specifics aren’t important right now, and maybe never will be. It’s Rei, she’s a constant bubbling cauldron of stewing rage, even here in PGSM where she’s able to keep it to a low simmer. It could be about her mother’s death, all the gossipy assholes, her father’s everything. It could be Usagi bumping into her this morning, IT COULD BE ALL OF THESE.

The point is, Rei knows all about thinking and feeling some negative shit at someone, but she also knows there’s a difference between what you feel and what you DO. You can’t truly be part of life and never fuck up, it’s just not possible.

AND NOW HERE’S WHERE REI SHOWS HOW MUCH SHE’S CHANGING TOO. Her point made, her lecture done, Rei peers down at Ami and sees that it’s just not working the way she wants. Rather than lose her temper, or double down, or wash her hands and walk away, she instead CHANGES TACTICS.

She doesn’t demand Ami immediately bounce to her feet, instead she drops down to Ami. She stops lecturing and tries comforting. NONE of this is natural for Rei, all of it goes against the kind of person she is and always strives to be. Slowly but surely though, Rei’s learning that her way is not the only way, and to temper her impulses.

WHO KNEW WE WOULD GET SUCH JUICY DEVELOPMENT FOR REI IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THIS AMI GOODNESS WHO AMONG US COULD HAVE PREPARED FOR THE BOUNTY

Still though, Rei is Rei is my beautiful ridiculous marmoset Rei.

Blessed, friends. I am blessed this day.

[astrologiaxo]

Messages for the signs <3

For Sun, Moon, and Rising. Check all 3! Starting w Leo cause LEO SZN.

Affirmation of the Day:

FLEXIBILITY - I am flexible and adaptable to change while I pursue my ambitions. 

Leo: Detach yourself from any power struggles that you may have placed on yourself unknowingly. You’ve been hard on yourself these days. You have the power to release yourself from these shackles, no one else has that power but you. Mind fucking yourself isn’t gonna get you anywhere. End the victim mentality. Once you’re able to overcome this you will start to flourish and fight for what is right. Your fiery self will come to light once again, and just in time for your season! 

Virgo: Something is trying to manifest through you but you’re blocking it! You blocking yo blessings, Virgo! Negative thoughts are consuming you and instead of the positive things you think about, you’re manifesting all the negative. If you think it’s not aligned with your higher self, take a moment and reconsider. Is it fear stopping you or were you manifesting something that was of no use? You’re hesitant to realize what is good for you. You’re feeling guilty that maybe you don’t deserve all these manifestations. You’re being tested right now but stay the course. Only you know what’s in your best interest. 

Libra: Your heart’s desire is being blocked right now. You’re dealing with setbacks that you were not expecting. You’re preparing for the worst but hoping for the best. So far it’s been a shit storm. But there’s good news! All that has seemed unfair and unjust is finally being met with justice. All the turmoil that you’ve undergone was all for the greater good. Good karma and bad karma happens to us all. You may have been struggling with finances or health and this has been a hard time for you. Be more wise with yourself and take care of yourself. Don’t overspend and save for a rainy day. Also, watch out for the friends you surround yourself with as they are a big reflection of who you are. If you feel you need to make new friends that align more with your spirit, this is your sign to work on communication and find better collaborators. 

Scorpio: You’re being tested! This is a newsflash to not quit. Even if you feel like you have every reason to quit, keep going. You have the right mindset and passion to go after what you’ve been working on for a while. If you stay confident and strong, you will receive all the fruits of your labor. You may be struggling trying to balance your passions with more practical matters in life, such as finances. And you feel you can’t have one without the either. It’s okay to chase your passions sometimes and not get so caught up in the finances. Follow your heart and dream big, Scorpio!

Sagittarius: Quarantine is making you face your demons. Instead of escaping like you usually do, you’ve been getting to the root of all your problems lately. You’re realizing what you were chasing before quarantine is not aligned with your higher self anymore. You’re surprisingly craving more stability and grounding energy than usual. You’ve realized that if the world is gonna end soon, you’d rather be boo’ed up or make sure that you and your family are well provided for. This is your new way of exploring life, since you can’t travel anywhere. You’re exploring what it’s like to change your priorities from socializing and mingling to stabilizing energy. You’ve had your fun and want to get more serious so you can finally get your shit together and chase your dreams!

Capricorn: You’re in a good place, Cap. In the past you were feeling disconnected and not like your self, but now your purpose is becoming clear and things are starting to fall into place. You’re thinking ahead and making sure everyone around you is okay. It took a lot for you to get here though. You trusted your intuition and defended all that you’ve worked for. With this came more security where you felt comfortable enough to let your walls down and open your heart to receiving some love from the outside world. You trusted the process and the process did not let you down!

Aquarius: You’ve been intellectualizing the fuck out of a partnership right now. There’s someone on your mind and you’ve been analyzing EVERYTHING about them. You’re hopeful about the situation, however, you’re just wondering WHY is it taking so long. You’re starting to feel impatient and lose hope when you feel there’s no progress, but when you start to over think, you know deep down you just need to have patience. Which is very hard for you. This person is teaching you that if you want them enough you have to be willing to wait for them. This person is a lot more slow moving than you so it’s not something you’re use to and it’s driving you a lil out of your mind. You’re being tested but are trusting your intellect and wisdom that you believe in this partnership. 

Pisces: You may be feeling extremely ambitious more than you’re use to. You have the mentality that you’re willing to pursue something or someone at all costs, which is a new energy for you since you’re use to going with the flow. This is a great thing for you because it seems like you’re chasing happiness and the bag (money). You’re chasing things that are worthwhile and it’s admirable. You have passionate energy about your desires and perhaps it’s the fact that Mars in Aries so take advantage of this time! You’re getting out of your usual funk and tapping more into wanting to be happy. It feels like something good enough has at last fallen into your lap where you feel like you’ll do anything to have it. 

Aries: You’ve been stuck in the past but you’re finally choosing to move forward. It’s as if though you’ve got a flame coming out of your butt and you’re ready to tap into the future! Perhaps you’ve reconnected with someone from your past but you’re ready to start a new beginning with them. Or something from your past has been looming over you and you’re ready to let it go. Whatever the case, nostalgia was a huge factor but now you’re realizing that you’ve  been holding yourself back from happiness. You’re feeling passionate about your desires and have been inspired to chase after them. Whether someone has started this in you or you’re doing this for others, there’s a lot of stripping of the old and bringing of the new.

Taurus: You’ve been working on yourself! On bad days, you let your fears get the best of you and believe that people will leave you behind and not care about you. This is just something you’ve created in your head though and isn’t true at all. You’ve gladly shunned yourself away from the world during quarantine to really work on yourself. You’ve been in hermit mode and this has done wonders for you. You’re starting to finally see that people have been there to help you all along but it took some time away from everyone for you to notice that. You’ve been so use to feeling that you’re destined for fear and betrayal but are realizing that this was all just in your head. This took a lot of effort and inner work. And if you’re still working on yourself, this is a push to keep going. Try and look at things from a different perspective and not be so stuck on just one. 

Gemini: You have the intellectual upper hand...as always. You’re in the know about everything, knowing both sides, good and evil. Whatever you’re trying to manifest right now, use it to your advantage. Divine timing will make it come true when the time is right but you have to make sure you choose well and bring yourself good karma. You may be hesitant about what you want to choose, and perhaps this is why you’re struggling. You’re not ready to leave the negative because you might be attached to it, but trust that this transition is in your highest favor. Open your heart to the new possibilities. There needs to be an equal give and take here, so bring balance into your life and choose wisely.

Cancer: It’s time for self care and self love. Don’t get so caught up in your anxieties. There’s an indecision that’s been looming over you, a sort of crossroads. Today you’re being asked to relax and focus on yourself. If you don’t know whether to start a relationship or foundation with someone it’s because the thought of it scares you and puts pressure on you that you’re uncomfortable with. Sometimes you don’t practice enough self love to feel like someone really loves you. Cancer, you do deserve love. If you realized how much people cared about you, you wouldn’t be so insecure about accepting love. 

[s4ijoh]

icarus falling. oikawa tooru

OIKAWA TOORU X GN! READER

GENRE: angst; fluff

WORD COUNT: 1.9k+

WARNINGS: established relationship

after seijoh's loss to karasuno in the semi finals…

the walk back home was nothing like what you had expected. you wondered if, walking on this sidewalk next to you, stood the same gutted boys that back in the court had their heads bowed down in defeat - their frowns now replaced by lighthearted smiles. you cling onto your boyfriend's arm, your presence silent next to him, watching from the sidelines. from your position, it might have just looked like a group of friends catching up on conversation but there was so much more to this moment than met the eye.

despite their loss, the conversation was rather lively - but you knew it was all a hopeless attempt to avoid the elephant in the room. there was a bittersweet taste to the current energy on the atmosphere. they carried on chatting almost as if they felt it was best to avoid the topic, it didn’t feel right to spend the last moment they had last as a team mourning their mistakes but rather reminiscing on the good memories instead. whereas, on the other hand, to deny to acknowledge their loss was to live a lie.

you keep a close watch on tooru, his features completely devoid of even the slightest hint of sorrow. however, you have learned to read in between the lines, to get to know each and every one of his quirks - to know his voice gets quieter when he is lying or how he blinks more rapidly when he’s nervous. you could read him like an open book and the occasional furrow of his brows, that even though was barely there for a half a second, only for you to catch a glimpse of it, was an immediate giveaway of the thoughts plaguing his mind.

once you reach the doorstep to tooru’s house you wave your goodbyes to the boys before the both of you part your different ways with the group. a heavy silence falls between the two of you yet there are so many things to be said. as the boys disappear into the distance, the atmosphere turns blue, all of tooru’s troubling thoughts lingering in the air yet not spoken of. you choose to give him his space to grieve, you knew he would talk to you once he was ready.

it was the quiet before the storm. as soon as he walks through the front door a suffocating void settles in his heart. tooru finds himself spiraling down a deep dark hole, a sudden numbness taking over his body before he is brought back to reality when his emotions strike him all at once. it was the catalyst to his ruin.

the lump in his throat tightening knocks the oxygen out of tooru’s lungs making it hard to breathe and he can no longer find the strength within himself to hold back any further, it is almost physically impossible for him to keep the tears from falling. he had kept all these feelings bottled up inside him for too long and it was only a matter of time before the inevitable happened - they start overflowing, all at once, against his own will. after the rainstorm, it’s not long until the flood. 

despite all his effort to keep himself under control, his first attempt at verbalizing his thoughts comes in the form of a choked sob as he falls right into your embrace. and so you watch him fall apart right before your eyes. as many times as you had held his trembling body in your arms, you would never get used to this sight. you could never guess that someone as cheerful as tooru had all these hardships in his life, but he did and ever since you met him you knew better than to believe the little show he put on for everybody.

you had seen him at his worst, and you were one of the few lucky ones he trusted enough to willingly let his walls down for. he had trusted you to see the rawest version of him and to allow you to roam his naked soul - no matter how many times he confessed his love for you, this was the ultimate proof of his sheer devotion and no matter how many times you confessed your love for him you could never show him how grateful you are to be fortunate enough to know the real tooru oikawa.

"let it all go" his shaky sobs resonate through your skin as he cries on your now damp shoulder with his face buried in the crook of your neck.

it was hard to notice on the outside but there was a battle taking place under the surface. disguised beyond his usual bright persona, tooru was fighting a war against himself. he was indeed his own worst enemy as cliché as it might sound. his number one struggle was to acknowledge his own worth, which induced the growth of his prevailing self-destructive habits. he would beat himself up every day, neglecting his own health in favor of working towards being the best player he could possibly become - he never thought it was enough; he had spend many restless nights wondering whether he would ever be enough. perhaps he was hopeless. so far, life had gone hard on him but, ever since you entered the scene, he could rely on you to brighten his darkest days.

"i did e-everything i could and it was still no-not enough" his words make your heart ache in your chest for you can tell how difficult it is for tooru to speak by the way his voice cracks at the end of the sentence before he falls into another fit of watery sobs. but to know he was taking it all upon himself struck you even harder.

this was the same boy you had watched pour his blood, sweat and tears into everything he had done, you only wish you could give him the world for he deserved nothing less. you knew he carried the weight of responsibility that came with being the team captain on his shoulders with pride, whether it was for the best or the worst. however, what he failed to realize was that he didn't have to bear it all on his own.

tooru felt like a failure; he had hit a wall. despite all his hard work he could not see the fruits of his labor. it was as if he was trapped in a maze with no exit - no matter the advances he made, he would always find himself back on square one, hopelessly running around in endless circles and driving himself insane.

in the end all his effort had gone to waste - or so he thought, in his current state, it was hard to see past the fog clouding his mind. he was inconsolable. you knew that no word you said could possibly mend his broken heart but you could at least try to relieve some of his pain.

"tooru, i know you will achieve great things one day. you just have to hold onto your dreams." you caress his hair whereas your spare hand rubs up and down his spine before settling on the nape of his neck, cradling the back of his head and tugging him closer to you.

“right now, i know it might feel like a loss but i believe in you and know you will make it out of this stronger, you always do"

you pull back to look into his glassy eyes, a thick veil of tears coating his hazel orbs. the eyes that once held all that passion are now dull as the familiar hopeful gleam fades away with every teardrop streaming down his cheeks, being replaced with a void of broken dreams. he always aimed high, strived to be better and it hurt to see him like this for he did not deserve it but, unfortunately, the universe had different plans for him.

tooru stood too close to the sun. he was close, close enough to yearn for more of it's warmth - he needed more. but what he failed to anticipate, guided by his own instinct, was that it was physically impossible to go any further without getting hurt. the higher he flew, the closer he got, the harder he would fall; his ambition was his greatest blessing as well as his worst curse. 

yet, once again, here you stood, ready to catch him on his fall back to earth. you had been there for him every step of the way. you had watched tooru fall flat on his face several times only to witness him build himself back up and work harder than the last time. you admired his cunning nature, it was his greatest weapon.

"i know you wanted to pursue your dreams next to your friends, tooru, but i promise you that they will be there, alongside you, watching your every step on the way to the top"

you feel his stiff muscles relaxing under your touch, it was almost as if you knew exactly what he needed to hear. everyone thought tooru required high maintenace but a few reassuring words were all it took to make him feel better and upon hearing the mention of his teammates, a switch flips inside him and he has a purpose once again. tooru wished to be better and even if it was hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, he would keep going, if not for his sake, for his friends - he wouldn’t let them down again.

after a while you listen to his sobs fading into the air. after the flood always comes the quiet.

tooru’s body leans weak against yours once his sniffles die down. you hold onto his waist, dragging his limp body across the hall and into his room, sitting him on the edge of the bed to help him change into more confortable clothes. you crouch down in front of him to press a kiss to his injured knee before you lay down next to him, cradling him in your arms whereas you let the silence of the quiet night envelop the both of you in it’s sweet embrace. he felt at home, secure in the shelter of your warmth, your body caging him in a reassuring hug. he feels invincible all of a sudden, like he could conquer the world.

“i will make you feel proud of me, one day” he whispers against your chest, his voice is still hoarse in the aftermath of his emotional burst.

“i'm already proud of you, tooru. you are stronger than anyone could ever fanthom” 

“no. i mean that, one day, i will redeem myself and i want you there, by my side.”

despite his mellow tone, the eagerness was still present in his voice, each word radiating with the strength of a thousand suns. you were glad to know that, regardless of the storm, the flame was still burning bright inside him.

“i will be there, tooru.” you pull away from him to hold his face in your hands “i will be there to watch you reach the top. i will watch you get each and every one of your opponents out of the way and prove them wrong, baby. it's us against the world”

that night, you never leave his side, holding him as close as humanly possible expecting that, perhaps, if you hold him just tight enough you can fill the hole in his heart and make him feel whole again.

and, hopefully, you would still be here when he is finally ready to spread his winds open again and earns back the courage to fly high.

[a/n]: so im experimenting with a new writing style,, i wanted to improve my dialogue writing skills so from now on ill be focusing more on dialogue than i used to (feedback would be highly appreciated :D) + also no smut in here, for now, cs i was tired of writing nasty shit ,, give me a break, for the time being this is a smut free zone, (lmao who would've guessed) if you were here for the smut im sorry to disappoint you - the old ellie can’t come to the phone right now cuz she’s DEAD. my goal is to write shorter pieces and work on characterization as well hence the new blog!!, my old stuff didn't serve me anymore.

+ also it took me more time to write 2k words than those longer fics i used to write lmao. im actually proud of this one. hopefully, i changed for the better!

[amarauder]

Criminal Girl Relates to Garfield - Percy Jackson x Reader

                                005. criminal girl relates to garfield 

PAIRING; High School AU!  Percy Jackson x Reader

REQUEST; Not Applicable

GODLY PARENT; Not Applicable

DATE; June 12th, 2020

WORD COUNT; 8053

WARNING; Bruh so freaking much. friends and families being dicks, panic attacks, crying and pubic humiliation, you're gonna read this and just keep cringing because of reader's dumb ass.

A/N; I think I like High School and Soulmate AUs too much. This isn't a soulmate AU. It was going to originally be but it just didn't match with the plot so I didn't. Still this is my first one and I had so much fun writing it. I think I just related to this reader more than normal. I think this is my favorite one shot to be honest. I'm so happy, I feel like I've fallen in love with writing again. The last few one shots I've just had the best time writing them and it's been difficult to stop writing.

TRAILER; Reader is Percy Jackson's soulmate, potentially a criminal and more than kind of cute.

REQUESTED BY; Not Applicable

-

Y/N was more than ready for this week to be over. It had started out horribly and only got worse as the days ran their course.

On Monday her Aunt's insane dog, that she had been forced to dog sit, had torn up her favorite shirt. On Tuesday she had forgotten her entire binder at home and received zeros on all of her assignments, and then one of her exams for being blamed for talking when it had really been the kid behind her. On Wednesday, Y/N was supposed to be presenting one of the most important projects of the entire semester in her first period only for her car refusing to start. Of course, when her Dad came home it ran perfectly. Thursday she had found out her position as President of the Economics Club had been handed over to some kid she didn't even know, despite how long she had been working for it. Friday, she had found out her best friend since kindergarten had lied to her face and was hanging out with a girl she loathed.

Her best friend ditching her had hurt her the most. It left an ugly slimy feeling in her chest that felt like some kid attempting to learn CPR for the first time, except she was the mannequin every time she thought of them hanging out together. Despite the chest compression, her self-depreciating thoughts never seemed to leave her. It was like she was trying to torture herself which didn't hurt any less.

To say the least, Y/N was completely drained. Blinking took way too much effort, and yawns seemed to be effortless. The kind of tired that took over after crying too much, so stress relieving that the tightness in her chest released, leaving her slap happy.

After grabbing two boxes of mac and cheese and a huge jug of orange juice, Y/N was on her way to her car. The bagger asked her if she needed any help carrying everything to her car.

She stared blankly at him for a few seconds before looking at her three items. He smiled sheepishly and Y/N felt fortunate to have been blessed with more brains than him.

It wasn't until she reached her car and caught sight of her reflection that she wondered if he had asked because she looked so miserable.

His so called thoughtfulness really didn't make her feel any better. In fact she felt worse. It was like when her Mother's wine group would come over and compare stories of who had been more disrespected. From grocers deciding they were age appropriate to buy wine without asking for an ID to being called Ma'am instead of Miss, Y/N had heard it all. Somehow it all had to do with old age and the grocery store. The wonders of Motherhood in the suburbs.

Placing her groceries on top of her car, she tried to unlatch the trunk. It wouldn't budge.

Hmm, Y/N was pretty sure she had left her it unlocked. Whatever. She wouldn't put it past herself if she had forgotten to lock it.

But when she tried to unlock it, nothing happened. Her car didn't beep or flash it's stupid lights, or anything. The battery in her key had been flickering on and off all week, it was the reason her car wouldn't start on Wednesday morning. But her Dad had said it had at least a few months of life left, not three days.

Her stomach dropped and she felt unshed tears build up in her eyes. Not now, not today. She had enough this week.

Her thumb hovered over the unlock button once more. Y/N almost didn't want to press it, because that would mean finding out her fate and she just wasn't that kind of girl.

She did it anyway. And the old piece of junk sat there like it was ready to retire to the car graveyard. Y/N wasn't ready for her freedom to retire so quickly.

Feeling her tears build up again, more rapidly this time, she dug the palm of her hand into her eyes and leaned against the car. Her throat tightened. She promised herself she wouldn't cry anymore today. She promised...

"You're okay, you're okay, you're okay," she whispered to herself, her voice to low to crack. Face screwed shut and her toes curled to will the tightness in her throat away.

The tears eventually made it through which only made her want to cry harder. She was so embarassed. Thoughts ran wild, making her panic harder to control.

How was she going to get home?

How was she going to pay for her car to be fixed?

She really didn't want to go back to walking.

Wouldn't her parents be mad?

What if this was one of those stupid kidnapping schemes that she had seen during a school assembly?

Don't be stupid. Calm down. Focus.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw a lady with her dog, eye Y/N warily. A man sitting in his car with his feet propped up on the dashboard and a cigarette hanging between his finger laughed at her despair then ended up in a coughing fit. A woman ushered her child away, who was pointing at her, and gave Y/N a dirty look.

Y/N remained like that until her Mother's advice that she never took to heart rang through her, "Pick yourself up. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Life isn't that hard."

She was right and Y/N wiped her tears away hurriedly.

As the knots in her stomach washed away, a new one settled it self in her chest. She was pissed. Furious at life for making her feel like shit, betrayed by her best friend, grades flustering down to nothing, and a position she worked harder than anything in the world for was snatched away before she could even think of savoring it.

It was just shit and completely unfair.

Wiping her tears, Y/N turned towards the driver's handle and pulled on it so hard, that her feet started to slip and she fell on her but.

She could have screamed, but instead she started to curse loudly and kick her car still laying down. She just about to kick the car for the sixth time when someone said behind her, "Uhh, hey, it would be really cool if you could stop trying to destroy my car? I don't know what he did to you, but at this point I think you're in danger of giving him PTSD."

Turning around, she noticed a blurry figure. Tears were still in her eyes making it hard for her to make out who it was but she could tell closing her eyes that he felt awkward. Hell, her guardian angel, no devil at this point, probably felt awkward.

When she blinked her tears away she saw him look suprised, and stumble back a few steps as if her presence shocked him. Which was stupid because unless there was some other person trying to break into the car, she didn't know why he was acting like she had come out of nowhere.

"This is my car, dude."

The teen scratched his neck, then pressed his car keys and suddenly the piece of junk came to life. She blinked hard, trying to comprehend what had just happened in front of her.

A flash of heat surged up her body that couldn't have came up from the exhaust pipe right next to her. She couldn't have been more aggravated and embarrassed. The guy seemed to realize that, because he shifted his weight to his side as he glanced at her. He was right, she was an idiot.

Quickly mumbling an apology, she ran off into the parking lot. Her car had to be around here somewhere and Y/N had never been more than ever determined to find it, or maybe just determined to get away from this situation as soon as possible.

She found it in the exact same spot, just a few rows away. Her brain kept replaying and replaying her embarrassing moment over and over again, leaving her to cringe and try to shoo it away.

If there was a list for the most embarrassing things Y/N had ever done, this would be on the top of the list. She could imagine herself years later, watching her husband struggling to change their kid's diaper as she laughed and talked about this. But right now all Y/N wanted to do was forget that she even existed.

It almost funny the amount of relief she felt just to have her car unlock. Her car, her piece of junk did it's little half-hearted beep, but it sounded rejuvenated as if it knew what she had gone through just for it.

She started the engine, and then let her forehead rest against the wheel in relief. At least that went well.

She was in the middle of her breather when a knock on her window startled her. Y/N took a few more seconds to herself before looking up and seeing the boy from before looking more awkward than when she he was before.

She rolled down the window, and right when he opened his mouth to speak the engine died.

"No," she whispered to herself, her stomach sinking, "No, no, no."

"Um, here's your groceries?" the boy said with a smile, but Y/N only opened the engine after getting out of her car. He stood there for a second before setting them inside the drivers seat and following her. He leaned over the hood and started to hack violently. The engine was fuming and Y/N wanted to cry for what seemed the millionth time that day. "Did you beat this one up too?"

She gave him a look but he only smiled sheepishly, "Sorry, it just slips out sometimes."

"It's okay... You're a boy."

The boy smiled. Did she just notice now? "Nice observation."

"Do you know anything about cars?"

"I know they aren't supposed to smell like that."

Pursing her lips, she rolled her eyes, "Thanks, so helpful."

"I try."

Letting out a laugh of disbelief, she leaned against the car and groaned. What was she going to do know? Even though breaking into the guys car was one of extremely embarrassing, she had been filled with a little bit of hope. The shitty day would end and she could go home. But now... There was no decent solution.

"Umm, would you want a ride in my car?" Y/N raised an eyebrow and he tried to hurriedly explain, "It's just I saw the sticker on your back window and we go to the same school. My Mom would kill me if I just left you here, so..."

-

The car ride home was so awkwardly silent, Y/N had even asked for his name.

"Percy Jackson," he said and flashed her a smile that she didn't return. She was too tired, and this guy was too happy. He probably shit out sunshine rays and Y/N just... was not about that life. Plus, his name sounded irkingly familiar, as if he had been in one of her previous classes.

"Nice to meet you," she said after a while, her imaginary Mother shaking her fist at the girl during that silent moment, "I'm Y/N L/N."

"Y/N," he repeated, and she almost looked for that feeling that all her friends talked about. The one where their stomachs churned pleasantly and it seemed that they don't even remember what happened before and after seeing him. All the memories from that day were separate. The life they knew before and after her friends met the one. But there was nothing, no shocking realization or fireworks. She could have just met Zeus himself and Y/N wouldn't be able to tell the difference. "Nice name."

"Thanks," she whispered quietly and played with the hem of her shoe. She had originally placed it on the dashboard but Percy sucked in a harsh breath and then the foot was back balancing on her thigh.

"Ya," and then it was awkward silence again.

Inside her mind, Y/N was cringing. This boy was nice, way too nice, and probably the most good looking kid she had ever seen. It was a wonder how she had never noticed him, or at the very least seen him around her school. Now, she had murdered his car, almost broke into it, screamed at him about her engine, and he decides to drive her home because well, she didn't know. It shouldn't matter because she was just repaying him by being awkward.

"Umm, why are you being so nice to me?"

What? God, why was she such a nerd? And an introvert. She needed to go out more.

"Uh," he said and glanced at her as she pointed to the left and he put his blinker on, "I don't know what you mean."

"I beat up your car, probably would have made the stupid alarm go off if you hadn't stopped me and then you follow me to give me my groceries that I had forgotten. My car doesn't start and you offer me a ride home even though you don't know my name." Y/N finished with a huff. Surprisingly, she felt better as if she had just finished crying and got it all off her chest.

"So?"

"So? It's not very high-school boy of you."

Percy laughed, "Well, I'll try harder to be more high school boy if you want."

"No, I like whatever you've got going on here," She said and waved her hand at him.

"Good. I don't feel like pulling over and dropping you off at a random street. Besides, Mom would be pissed at me. When I tell her what happened today, because I'm sorry but I have too. She's going to wonder what took me so long. But, umm," he paused for a second to collect his thoughts, "When I tell her what happened, she's gonna ask if I brought you home or not, and this way I won't have to lie."

He flashed another smile at her and she felt a slight tingle on her face that her friends talked about. But then again, maybe it was her nose going numb from the air conditioning. It was like this boy secretly lived in Alaska. "I'm a shit liar, by the way."

"Couldn't have guessed."

"What gave me away?"

Y/N stared at him for a second before laughing, "You said it."

He had the audacity to look embarrassed, yet please at the same time. "Well, you looked like you needed some cheering up."

Her laugh died from her eyes as the words sunk in. It was not the first time Percy put his foot in his mouth, sometimes he wished he could actually think before he would speak. He would try, but it's not socially acceptable at his age for long periods of silence in between conversations to take place so he can run over his words.

She huffed and crossed her arms, and it felt like Percy's insides were crushed between the space of her chest and twisted limbs. His hands tightened on the steering wheel. He gave her a gentle little thing that somewhat resembled the corner of his lips titling up.

Percy didn't know her at all, but she seemed like the girl that was disappointed with the world. Y/N was too pretty to be disappointed. Percy's Mom had always told him that the prettiest people in the world were dreamers, and the world never held up to their expectations.

Percy didn't really like that for Y/N.

She glanced at him from the corner of her eyes, her face never wavering from the road ahead.

"Umm, what's your favorite animal?"

He took Y/N so off guard that she answered, "A cat."

"Why a cat?"

Y/N hesitated, who questions their favorite animal? "Umm, because I relate to them, I think."

"Why because you like lasagna and are scared of accordions?"

"I'm sorry, what?" He had her full attention now. She wasn't even trying to pretend to be mad at him. Her entire body, despite the restrictions of the seatbelt, was turned towards him.

"Have you never heard of Garfield?"

"Of course, I have." Y/N answered, "Who hasn't? But I thought Garfield was scared of scales and diets."

"He is. But he's also scared of accordions. I have to impress you with my extensive Garfield knowledge somehow right?" Y/N snickered, her fingers massaging her forehead. This boy was something else, she liked it.

"Well, do you relate to Garfield?" he asked a minute later.

Y/N laughed so hard that the back of her head hit the seat and she snorted, which only set her into another laughing fit. "I'm sorry," she said still giggling a little bit, "It's just who relates to Garfield?"

"A girl who tries to break into cars, I guess."

Y/N didn't think Percy had it in him to be so sarcastic. After spending a little under fifteen minutes with him, she had judged him as the boy who apologized despite doing nothing wrong and had fallen in love with his best friend but would never tell them. The boy who lived next door type.

He was sweet, and funny, and so incorrigibly cute that Y/N was shocked that she had been able to have a decent conversation with him.

So, she did what she did best with cute boys: pretend she wasn't attracted to them.

She shoved his arm even though he was driving, ignored him after with a fake pout, and even refused to say goodbye to him as she got out of the car. He had laughed at all of her antics and kept repeating his goodbyes over and over, getting louder and louder with each one.

After the door was shut, she snuck over to the window where the curtains were drawn and peeked through. He was still there, staring at the door. She watched him until he drove off.

A surreal giggle peeked through her, her smile seeming unable to wipe off. Her body thrummed with energy. For the first time in a while, her chest felt light and airy, as if drugged with hope.

-

The magical energy in the form of Percy Jackson had worn off by the time school started that Monday. She had gotten to school as late as possible that day, her stomach twisting and turning itself. The last thing Y/N wanted to do was see her best friend. Y/N had ignored her the entire weekend, all her calls and texts had gone ignored. Her own actions had almost been surprising to her, she had a knack for forgiving others who didn't deserve her mercy. Y/N supposed she had finally had enough.

Fortunately, she had gotten through the entire first half of the day without seeing her by ignoring her texts and calls, dodging her attempts at meeting Y/N at her own locker, and even purposely coming into Y/N's class with the excuse of office aid.

It was now lunchtime and Y/N was lucky enough to have her first meeting of the Environmental Club scheduled today. Her best friend would never even think of stepping in here, Y/N had too many good friends who would love to give her a good shove.

Even though she was thankful to have somewhere to hide from her friend, Y/N was anxious to enter the classroom. Her nerves felt fuzzy from toes to her hairline, which only made her more nervous. Y/N had a habit of stumbling over her words when she was nervous, and she did not need that today.

The meeting room was just an empty classroom with her biology teacher from freshman year eating a sandwich in the corner of the classroom. Y/N was almost 100% sure he was a biker version of Santa Claus. Sure, he was a lot less generous with his grades, but he looked exactly like the Santas at the mall just with tattoos and a tommy bahama shirt.

The turnout varied. There were the usual, Y/N, Triton the President of the club, this random freshman named Tyson, Grover and his girlfriend. That was about it. Sometimes it was just them. Other times, usually when there was pizza, a lot more people showed up.

Today was one of those days. A group of giggling freshman girls eyed Triton appreciatively, while a girl named Ella and Tyson went over notes in the corner. Grover smiled and waved from the pizza stand and Y/N grimaced but waved back.

Gods, this was going to be at the top of her list of embarrassing moments, right next to having a mental breakdown with Percy's car.

Triton started off the meeting with his usual greetings of putting Y/N in charge. He grinned down at her menacingly once he announced she would be taking over the rest of the meeting. She had never wanted to flip off someone so much that Y/N pressed her hand against her thigh and flipped him off secretly.

Triton moved off the stand and sat on his phone by Tyson and the freshman girls, they giggled and moved closer to him.

She rolled her eyes and smiled at everyone from the platform despite her trembling fingers and her tongue feeling as if it weighed tons.

Y/N tried to focus on the light from the windows lighting up dust like tiny stars and the way the crank from the air conditioning reminded her of boring days in this classroom where there wasn't the threatening future looming over her.

Triton expected her to announce her own failure. She wanted to cry.

Triton was the biggest asshole she had ever met. He had been held back so many times that no one truly knew how old he was, and nobody dared to ask. The one thing he somewhat cared about was this club. He had been President for the past how many years he had been here despite that he did nothing.

As it was her Senior year and Y/N had never worked so hard to keep a club going, she decided to run for President. It turned out that Triton was finally graduating but it never occurred to him that he would have to give up his position. Y/N had never seen him so mad in her life, and he decided to punish her for his graduation.

She took a breath and smiled at everyone. She could do this. "Hey guys. So thank you for coming today. Pizza will be served at the end of the meeting, as per usual." She said and leaned against the podium. Her voice was shaking but Y/N had to pretend she didn't realize for her own sanity. Looking more casual would hopefully calm her down. Maybe looking around the crowd would help. "Umm, today we are revealing next year's President which is really exciting-" As people started to clap, she choked on air, and suddenly she was stuck in a coughing fit struggling to catch a breath. Percy had been sitting in the back. They had made eye contact and then she had forgotten how to breathe.

Hands were on her back, and she was guided outside the classroom then sat down by the lockers. The feet left and she coughed some more but it died down. The tickle in her throat felt like someone was itching her throat with a feather. Y/N had to clear her throat multiple times to try to get it to go away but nothing worked. Her lungs burned as she filled them with air. She felt her hands shaking violently again and she leaned her head against the lockers.

She hadn't even gotten to the announcement part.

A water bottle was handed to her but she didn't move to open it. Pretty, tan hands did it instead, she watched them languidly.

"I think I have a knack for creating your breakdowns," Percy said with a smile. She looked up at him with her hand still against the locker. Her lips felt too heavy to give him a real smile, so she settled for a shuddering breath and closed her eyes. "I don't know about you, but sleeping in the hallways isn't really ideal."

Y/N snorted and her chest fluttered. She sat up then and took the water. Her throat was so parched it burned as the water went down.

"Ya, I'm not one for naps on floors that haven't been cleaned since the school opened either. Just when I start yacking so hard, you have to bring me outside."

Percy laughed and it was so contagious that she caught herself giggling with him.

"How's Garfield?"

"Garfield?" Y/N questioned.

"Ya, you know," Percy said and stuffed his hands into his hoodie. She wondered how often he did that. "Garfield, your car."

"What?" Y/N said laughing as she looked at him. He was already looking at him and Y/N hurriedly turned towards the lockers in front of her again. Yay, now she made things even more awkward. But Y/N couldn't help it, he really liked eye contact and Y/N didn't. End of story. "I've never named my car anything."

"I had a feeling. You don't seem the type, so I named him for you. Garfield in honor of your favorite animal."

Y/N hit him with the water bottle. If any other person had done this, then they probably would have remembered to put the cap on. It was too bad she was a world class idiot. However, to her horror, Y/N had only realized that would happen once it did.

"Shit, I'm so sorry." Y/N scrambled around for anything to dry the water with but all she found was a disgustingly dirty straw wrapper and a dried piece of gum. Y/N didn't know him that well, but she figured he wouldn't want to use that. She settled for using her own shirt instead.

Percy was laughing the entire time, and was pushing away her hands. It was like Percy was made just to embarrass her, as if baby bunnies were going to die everyday if she didn't embarrass herself every time he was around. "Y/N, Y/N," he repeated, grabbing her hands and placing them in his lap, "It's fine." She wouldn't look up at him and continued to look at their hands. He was so close to her that her focus had gone out the window. Her hands were abuzz and Y/N felt another coughing fit coming along.

It was just like her friends had explained. Oh god, it was exactly the same. Her tirade of a crush smashing Y/N with the weight of it.

"Y/N, I don't care honestly," her heart pounded in her throat and Y/N started to laugh nervously. She was screwed. "If anything it will just piss off Octavian which makes this even better." Percy said, mistaking her panic for spilling water on him. Gods, he probably thought she was a freak.

Fortunately, Grover came into the room. She had never been more thankful for him, Y/N had a feeling that if Percy spend anymore time this close to her she was going to either faint or have another coughing fit, maybe even both. "Come on, Percy. Triton just announced that you were President, he wants a little speech."

"Speech?"

Grover shrugged, "That's what he said. Although, I have a feeling that you could tell him that the world was dying and he would be crying tears of happiness."

He patted Y/N's head, and she tried to engrain this feeling into her brain. "You'll be fine right."

She nodded, and his hands left her. It was like a light switch had turned on and suddenly her brain started working again.

Y/N grabbed Percy's wrist before he left, "You're the President."

Percy nodded and Y/N muttered a little, "Oh," under her breath. She didn't know quite how to feel anymore. How had she not noticed before? It must have been why his name sounded so familiar, but she couldn't put a finger on where she had remembered him from.

Percy went to kneel next to her again, but Grover cleared his throat. He looked torn, and looked at Y/N then Grover and back again before leaving with a hand on her shoulder. She didn't shy away but wouldn't look at him either.

Just as they crossed the threshold Y/N heard Grover tell Percy that Y/N was supposed to be President. Her lip quivered, but she pressed them together. She could practically feel Percy's glance at her. She wanted to hit Grover in the back of the head and also wanted to run away. If she wasn't so emotionally drained she probably would have.

-

Y/N met her fate at the end of the third period. Her next class was a free period, fortunately. It gave her just enough time to wait in line for the food line.

"Hey, criminal girl," someone whispered into her ear. She just about jumped four feet.

She turned around to see Percy. Her chest hurt a little, and she wasn't sure it's from the scare or Percy giving her all of his attention. Y/N settled for both.

"Umm, hey," she said and eyed the two boys behind him. The pair looked almost identical, except for their different sized scars on their face, and the one on the left was taller. They were giggling like elementary school children and making suggestive faces at her. "What are you doing here?"

"Hoping to cut in line with you," Percy says, a plea in his voice.

Y/N meant in a general, in a what are you doing here talking to me? kind of way. If Y/N were Percy, she would have stayed as far away from his as possible. But then again, she knew that wasn't true. Percy could have told her he was half god and the son of the god of fish poop and Y/N would have swooned.

"What are you doing here?"

She gave him a look when he started to snicker, then marched past him and threw out her hand with a smile, "Y/N L/N."

Both boys looked shocked that she had started to talk to them and Y/N couldn't lie. She was just as surprised by her actions. Fortunately, they didn't seem to mind and kickstarted into action. The taller one of the left with a faded scar running down the side of his face said, "Luke Castellan. Nice to meet the girl Perseus hasn't stopped talking about for the last few days."

"Your name is Perseus?" Y/N asked a shit eating grin creeping up her face. Percy looked like he just found out Gaea was coming after him. She turned back to the Luke kid who had turned red from trying not to laugh, "I want to personally thank you for that information. It's priceless."

Percy grumbled.

"Hey Y/N," the other one said. She was surprised he knew who she was. Jason was less boisterous than the other two, but still just as mischievous. He had a a type of quiet confidence and grace to him that made her want to hang onto every word she gave him. Y/N also spent a day with him each month, trying to figure out the balance of money she could spend on the club. "So, you're the girl who tried to steal the piece of junk."

"Hey!" Percy exclaimed, "Leave Blackjack out of this!"

"Blackjack?" Y/N questioned.

"My car," Percy said softly to her then scratched his neck.

She laughed quietly, then studied the three boys. "Are you two related?" Y/N asked and pointed to Jason and Luke.

"Nah, I'm dating Jason's sister but Percy and Lightning Skull over here are cousins."

Y/N nodded, processing this information. How had she not seen Percy around? Jason Grace was the Senior Class President, she had to attend monthly meetings to go over the Environmental Club treasury.

A voice cut through their conversation, making Y/N look over Luke's shoulder to see who it was. Piper McClean, the TV anchor and Speech and Debate finalist was walking over with a smile. Her grin was directed at Jason, but just being in the crossfire felt like a gift.

It seemed Jason felt that way too because he suddenly straightened up and turned red in under 2.5 seconds. He walked away with a halfhearted gesture that could have passed as a wave goodbye.

Luke snickered then pointed towards the potential couple with his thumb, "I'm gonna go find Thals while the idiot is love sick."

The line had moved up while Y/N had been distracted, and she flashed a smile at her fellow seniors then ran up to join Percy. He was already forking out some money to pay for whatever food he wanted.

"They seem nice."

"Hmm," Percy said, not looking up from his wallet, "Oh, ya. I've known Jason since Summer and Luke for even longer."

"I thought you and Jason were cousins."

"We are," Percy said and smiled triumphantly when he found a ten dollar bill. She couldn't help but bask in her contentment. Her breaths were coming in deeper and easier. She felt like she had fallen into Sally from Spongebob's little bubble house, there were no threats to take away this short-lived happiness at the moment. "My Dad and my uncle don't get along. Besides, my Dad left when I was young. It wasn't until Jason came over the Summer after meeting at Summer camp and my Mom hugged him for longer than normal that she told us."

Y/N didn't know what to say. She was fortunate enough to have all her family members with her, it wasn't perfect and her parents seemed to really adore fighting. But something is better than nothing. "Shit," she paused, "I know we don't know each other too well, but I'm sorry, Percy."

Percy shrugged with a smile. His hands were buried deep into his hoodie. He looked like the main protagonist in some cheesy coming of age movie, where a cheerleader decides to scoop up the hot but oddball kid in her Shakespeare class. "I mean, you can't really miss something you never had."

Y/N tilted her head from side to side and considered his words, "I never thought of it that way."

"That's why I am known as a secret genius in these halls."

Y/N laughed, "Known? My ass." She was impressed with herself. Y/N hadn't embarrassed herself yet, and she even had introduced herself to one if his friends.

"No one's gonna know the new kid."

Now, that took Y/N by surprise, "You're new? That makes so much more sense." She leaned her head against her hand which was resting on the sill of the window as they finally reached the front of the line.

It was why she had never noticed him before, why Jason and Luke were hanging out together, why Percy knew Jason. It just all seemed to connect under seconds.

"Hey Rachel!" Y/N grinned, perking up from seeing her old friend. Rachel had been on her sports team freshman year. Y/N spent most of her time on the bench, still did, but Rachel had been there along with her so it was okay. She was a good friend and an even funnier person. Rachel had no licensee, which left Y/N's sophomore season screaming the entire way to their away games.

"Hi," she smiled and Y/N wanted to laugh. Rachel's smile was incredibly contagious, something about it being too mischievous to be anything good. "What can I get for you two?"

They ordered and Rachel nor Percy wouldn't let her pay. "It will make your payment easier for breaking into my car. Then you can drive me home and buy me lunch. Maybe even a little beating up the car sesh."

Y/N looked at Rachel wide eyed. Her heart picked up at the thought of spending time with him outside of school. "You never said anything about a repayal." She objected, and tried to swipe food from him.

He pivoted and held everything over his head, out of her reach. She crossed her arms and glared at him. His green eyes twinkled, and she marveled at how shockingly handsome he was. It truly wasn't fair. If she had his beauty, she would have used it to her advantage but then again, he probably does.

"Well, you kind of beat up my car, criminal girl. I was hoping for at least a thank you."

Y/N rolled her eyes. He had this way of backing her into her own corners. He turned his back and continued his purchase, shooting a victorious look over his shoulder as the receipt printed out.

Y/N stood alone by the cashier for a whiplashed moment. Jesus Christ. What the fuck was going on? She felt like she was meeting Percy over again. He acted so differently than when he was in the car.

It was like she'd been sucked into a tornado, tossed around, and then spit out alone in the front of the lunch line.

He threw away the cover at the trashcan and Y/N reluctantly walked up next to him, the condiments were right next to the trash can. He grinned at her and she struggled not to return it. "We're going to spend a lot more time together, so you're going to have to turn that frown upside down."

Y/N snickered and elbowed him. He grinned and leaned against the trash can. She eyed him and wrinkled her nose. So disgusting.

He quickly got off it, as if he hadn't realized what he was going. Percy brushed off the sleeve of his hoodie then smelled it. It only made Y/N laugh harder and shake her head. "What do you mean spend more time together?"

"Well, one you owe me," he said and shot her a look. The smirk on her face made her wary. "And the Environmental Club rulebook states that co-presidents have to spend loads of time together."

He was walking backwards and Y/N couldn't lie she was impressed until he stumbled over a crack in the sidewalk. "Well, it's a good thing I'm not co-President then."

"What if I told you, you were." Percy said, studying her. Her head shot up so fast, her vision blurred. It was as if an airplane from the sky had just dropped a bunch of wooden skewers right on her. They didn't hurt her, she was more shocked than anything. "Grover told me what happened and I just thought it was entirely unfair what Triton did to you. And you're fun to be around so during my speech I said that you were co-president but couldn't come in cause you were still coughing. Everyone seemed to believe it, so."

Y/N was quiet. She had never been so touched in her life. Being everyone's second choice sucked, but Percy had just admitted he thought she was fun. For a lot of people it wouldn't seem like such a big deal but Y/N felt all warm and fuzzy inside.

"I mean, you don't have to do it, if you don't want to. I can always tell everyone it had been a mistake. You're just a cool person and stuff. I would have a better time being president if you were doing it with me."

"I'd love to, Percy."

"Really?" Percy looked up from where he was tracing the sidewalk with his shoe. She had never seen him so happy yet shy. Y/N bit her cheek to keep herself from smiling too big. She felt tingly all over, it was stupid but she liked it. It wasn't electricity like how her friends had said they felt with their boyfriends, Y/N had never been electrocuted so she didn't know how it felt. But somehow she knew that Percy was more than just tiny shocks.

-

They were assigned their first project together a week later. Co-Presidency was a lot more fun than she had thought. Percy had used the excuse of inviting Y/N over to his table for lunch to 'discuss tactics'. Y/N knew that wasn't what he meant but she didn't mention anything.

Her best friend had asked to speak to her when she was studying with Percy. It was more like Percy whining about how senior year was supposed to be easy and how his life was so hard, while Y/N asked him questions from her stack of flashcards.

But the second Percy saw the panic on her face, he had asked her politely if she could talk to Y/N later because he had a test next period and really needed the help.

Y/N had thought he was bad at lying.

Once she left, Percy had put an arm around her and brought Y/N closer to him. He whispered into her ear, "I got you, criminal girl."

She smiled at her lap, and risked a glance at him. He was staring at her as if she was some question on a test he couldn't figure out. He held her intimacy of being understood in his hands.

She leaned into him.

-

At the end of the day, Percy met Y/N by her car. Their cars were amongst the last few left, except for some of the athletic representation and staff. Her shoes squeak against the pavement, but he doesn't even flinch; he just smiles at her.

She knocks his hat down as a makeshift greeting and a way to distract him so she doesn't see her double-checking it is in fact her car. Y/N already made a fool of herself before, she didn't want to do it again.

Unfortunately, he notices because he snickers behind her and jabs her sides. Her heart leaps into her throat then drops down to her feet, like some rollercoaster ride. She has to lean against the car to calm her racing breath. He laughs even harder at that and grabs her keys from her purse before getting in the passenger seat.

Once Y/N feels confident enough that she won't have a stroke around him, she gets in the car. Percy already has plugged his phone into apple car play and is playing some dumb song from his playlist. She faintly recognizes it as some song from the Little Mermaid.

"I don't think I needed the keys to get in here, did I?"

Y/N laughs and starts it, fortunately Garfield doesn't stall, "Probably not." She is about to pull out when she remembers that Percy is still in her car. "Now, get out. I have to go home."

"To do what?"

Y/N huffs and feels embarrassment climbing up her spine like the slimy snake in Adam and Eve, encouraging her to make up some lie so she can look cooler. But unlike them she doesn't fall into that pit, "I dunno."

"Okay, so no plans for the rest of the night then."

Y/N gives him a look that lets him know he isn't even a quarter as casual as he thinks he is. Percy takes it in stride, since Y/N answers his question despite his glaring obviousness. "I mean the only thing I planned on was going home and finishing my book, unless someone has a better idea."

She hopes Percy supposes he's supposed to be that someone, but sadly, he hasn't thought this far ahead into the conversation. He fumbles, stammering out little nonsensical half-sentences, but Y/N is blissfully unbothered. "Don't we have to work on the project?" His head is leaning against the headrest and Y/N wonders how someone stuttering can look so casual, and composed, and pretty.

He lights up then, and Y/N smiles unconsciously. Her heart beats a bit faster when his eyes met her own. She doesn't look away, and she feels this pull. The rest of the world turns into white noise, non-existent and unimportant. Y/N wants to reach out and touch him, just feel his skin against her own. It's addicting and exhilarating. "Ya," his voice comes out deeper than normal, and he has to clear his throat before speaking again, but even then it comes out softer than normal. He's doing this thing with his eyes, it makes her stomach flutter. And even though she shouldn't, she wanted to kiss him. "That's a good idea."

They stared at each other unapologetically as they sat there. Her eyes traveled from his aqua green eyes that resembled the ocean so much that she felt a serene feeling wash over her, as if she had just taken a whiff of salt water. Then, she realized that it was just Percy. Something about knowing how he smelled made her heart pound. She wondered how he kissed, whether he liked to go fast or slow. She knew that with him it wouldn't matter to her. Her eyes moved down to his throat and watched his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed. She saw the tilt of his lips and a flash of a dimple, the dip of his collarbone, the rhythmic rise and fall of his breathing.

By the time she looked back up, neither of them moved, even though Percy had just admitted that he wanted to leave.

And then suddenly he was moving. He put his phone in the cup holder, and his fingers brushed against hers in a split second of what felt like life. Then he slid across the seat and slipped her cheeks into his warm hands, his fingers raked through the back of her hair, and Percy kissed Y/N.

He barely touched her. Just a light brushing of lips against hers, the slightest feel of his breath on her face.

It shot through her in milliseconds. Even though it was just a press of lips, her breathing was ragged.

His hands were still stuck in her hair, and he was still so close to her. It made her a little breathless.

They stayed there, just taking each other in, neither moving or breaking eye contact. He looked at her like it was work not to look at Y/N. It's silent until it's not.

"You know those people you just sort of... vibe with?" Percy whispered, his eyes closing as he leans his forehead against hers. Her breath shudders.

She was glad he asked the question before invading her personal space again, her focus always went out the window. "Vibe with?" She giggles a little at the choice of word.

But Percy doesn't, he looks at her with a kind of seriousness that silences her immediately. Then, she thinks about his question, really thinks about it. Y/N was familiar with it. There are some people that when you meet you just click with, their vibes just vibe with yours. Those are the people you want to keep in forever because at the end of the day, they are who you want to be and Percy is more herself than she is.

But instead of staying that she just nods, and their noses brush. His lips quirk up. "Well, you are that person for me, I think."

Y/N smiles, and plants one of him. When she peels herself away from him, he chases her lips and she lets him. Choosing instead to murmur against his, "You're that person for me too."

[coldcolourchords]

Turning 21 - an unwanted landmark

It happened an hour and 20 minutes ago, as the clock hit midnight CEST and the date changed so seamlessly to the 12th, without any hesitation, uneventfully and in complete silence, just as expected. The day I've been negatively anticipating for the better half of the past one year has come, and it caught me sitting at my computer alone in the living room, drinking hot tea on a summer night in a sweater and doing my silly little tasks that I call "work" (because despite my best efforts, middle of the night is still the only time of the day I can function as intended).

I remember ever since I was a child I always used to start mentally preparing myself for my birthday from New Year's Day. Even my mother used to say, "now that it's 2010, you're already 10 to me", even though August was still nowhere to be seen. But that felt good at the time. The beginning of a new year and my birthday approaching meant hope and progress, as the only thing I wanted as a child and as a teen was to grow up and not have to be a child anymore. I didn't like going to school, I didn't like being told to do things, I didn't like not being taken seriously, as I'm sure no one does. But by "didn't like", I mean it caused me severe emotional distress, the stuff that happened to me every single day without my control. It's hard to tell now in retrospect what caused what, but I have memories of developing my two most prominent and persistent mental disorders at around 6 years old (social anxiety and a BFRB) which have isolated me and often subjected me to cooler kids poking fun at me, shortly followed by starting school in the middle of my parent's divorce and moving houses. One of our last dinners in my father's comforting family home at the dinner table, I remember being visibly sad and my mum asking me what was wrong. My slightly belated answer ("everything") did not quite get the desired reception, as she and my little brother went on to have a little giggle over making assumptions about what that must include ("I'm sure she's sad over dinosaurs going extinct too..."). And, from then on, it's pretty much been downhill. I didn't like being home and I didn't like being at school (or at any of the million extracurricular activities my mum had picked out for me falsely thinking they could stop me from hurting myself and not just accelerate it). The ever-present social anxiety, bottled up frustration, high academic expectations and confusion about the nature of my very own self-destructive behaviours did not make for an enjoyable time in any of my 12 years at school. So, obviously, all I could do was anticipate the end. The end of being vulnerable to the very systems that were meant to nurture me and protect me.

I think that was my way of thinking all the way until I turned 19. Two years ago. At 19, I had graduated high school, I was about to start university studying something I was interested in, I had a semi-stable student job I liked and I was ready to move in with my boyfriend (a former classmate), separate from our parents. I had an artistic goal that I was ready to work for in my free time, and living away from home I was finally going to get the capacity to do so as well. And then when all of this happened and my thoughts became occupied with the new kind of responsibilities that came with "adulting", I started getting this overwhelming feeling of "what now?". A couple months have passed in the blink of an eye, it was November and I wasn't happy. I was making virtually no progress on my creative goals, my flat was a smelly mess, I didn't see my friends and I wasn't making new ones, and I found university to be draining and incompatible with my brain. I wasn't enjoying anything. I thought, "is this how I'm going to have to spend another 3 years?".

And then a miracle happened. I had to give a presentation at uni with a couple of other girls, and one of them suggested a book to do it based on. Reading my part of the book to prepare for the presentation has unlocked something in me - it was a book about the way people manage to feel like hostages due to their own decisions and thoughts. First it hurt to read because I had to face the truth: I wasn't really a hostage of expectations, university or responsibilities, I was a hostage of myself and my own attitude. I even wrote a song about this (my ultimate way of being honest with myself), and that's when I've felt ready to start working on myself in order to take back control over my life. And hell, I have done it. In a couple of weeks, I was feeling the best I've ever felt and I went into exam season thinking I was capable of the impossible at this point. Who knew I had it in me? I had gotten through a couple of exams and assignments and I was thinking soon I was going to start improving in other areas of my life as well. I was going to make art, see my friends again, go out, have fun, maybe learn to cook and be a better girlfriend too. Not a lot of that has happened. Came the end of exams and the second half of January and I was already exhausted. My job was at a halt and uni wasn't back on until mid February, so I spent a few shallow weeks at home just thinking "why am I doing this again?". It was difficult, suddenly having too much space for negative thoughts and rumination.

But it was only the start of the pandemic when my race with time has really begun. Which is ironic, because when the restrictions were first announced in my country, I really saw a lot of opportunity in them to grow for myself (and I mean this is in the least "this deadly virus is a blessing in disguise" way possible). University moving online and social gatherings being nothing short of illegal all of a sudden felt more than convenient for my social (but very luckily not health) anxiety ridden brain, and I had imagined this was going to be the most prosperous phase in my life, in terms of moving forward with my goals.

Ever since I was little, I had dreamed of becoming a musical artist. No one ever encouraged me - maybe for a good reason - and I tried to keep quiet about it as well. I was so ashamed of desiring something that was so "unlike me" according to everyone who knew me. I never had a good voice and everyone perceived me as shy, on top of being seen as more of a "STEM girl" (until I went to high school for maths and ended up not understanding any of it anymore). I'd been writing lyrics into my phone since 14 and attempting to turn them into actual songs on my laptop since 17. At 18, I even took a beginner's course in Ableton. Still, I just never felt like anything I wrote was of any worth or that I had a single ounce of talent in any part of the process. But I kept on dreaming and pushing because I thought "if I don't try, how will I know?". My work ethic was awful too, I was an inconsistent writer and an even more inconsistent producer. I never got anything finished because I got lost in the details and gave up due to my perfectionism. Plus, and this is what I perceived to be the biggest problem at the time, I could only record music at home, and my family were home all the time. Moving out, I thought I was going to prosper, then I didn't prosper for a bit, told myself it was okay because uni was making me depressed, then I continued to not prosper, told myself it was okay because I had to rest up after exams. And then it's like the universe said "Stop. You're just making excuses. Stay home and produce those songs now because there will NOT be another opportunity like this".

I put so much pressure on myself then to get stuff done. It felt like my time - all my adolescence I was looking at teenage popstars rising to fame and each year they were just getting younger and all I did was compare myself to them and worry. Worry that I was running late, that no one was going to ever care about me because I am late, but growing up I excused it every time. I was home with my family and stressed because of school all the time, duh, how could I have made good art? But right there, at the beginning of "quarantining", it was just me and my willpower. No school, no job, no impromptu social plans. And who knew how long it was going to last? Some people said only four weeks, some others said months, some the rest of the year. All I knew was I was 19, still young and practically a teenager, and I had to act. And I did. I made two of the worst songs you've heard in your life and I put them both out in the summer under my own name. Like proper released them on streaming services and all. Looking back now, holy hell, how desperate was I, posting it on my social media that people I actually knew followed? With my fear of being ridiculed? I was setting myself up for an emotional disaster. Shock horror: my songs didn't blow up (although I have had a few friends say lovely things about them, at least to me). By the time of scheduling the second one for release (mid July) I was already feeling burnt out. Yes, there was another exam season in the meantime, and the unexpectedness of the elongated pandemic has definitely been a factor as well, but generally I was just so let down by the overall underwhelming experience. I made such bad decisions - why my own full name? Why did I have to let people know and thereby handicap myself? Of course I wasn't going to promote my songs now or even speak of them positively because I feared coming off ridiculous. So I just let the whole thing pass without a sound and made myself sad. By last August, I was back to "what now?".

Needless to say, there were no festivals last summer. Festivals used to be my ultimate summer happy place and I always celebrated my birthday at a specific one (the biggest one in my city to be exact) starting with the 15th. Concerts and festivals were somehow simultaneously an adventurous escape from all my worries and the root of a lot of my confidence issues and anxiety. I dreamed of being on stage and presenting my art to the world, pouring my heart out to even just one person who will listen, the same way that I listen to my favourite artists and what they have to say. Some nights were emotional, some nights were energising, some nights were spent worrying about the people who surrounded me and some nights were just pure jealousy and feeling far away from my goals - you never knew what you were going to get at a gig. I think that overall most gigs were bittersweet experiences for me, but that's how I liked them to be. The whole point was just to feel something. But there were no festivals last year. There were concerts, though, put on by local bands, but lord do I wish there hadn't been any. I went to two of those last summer - one I went to alone and walked away feeling like shit, another I went to with my friends and felt extremely guilty and anxious about the virus after. This second one happened to be two days before my 20th birthday. I spent my birthday worried to death that I got the virus (even though numbers were extremely low at the time in my country and going to small gigs was perfectly legal and deemed not dangerous) and that I was going to infect my elderly relatives who I was going to meet with later. That didn't happen, but I haven't been to a single show since then, and it's been a year. So that's how my first non-festival birthday worked out.

Turning 20 didn't feel good and my birthday aligned with the onset of a bunch of new problems as well as old ones accelerated. I began to think deeply about everything. What was the point of anything I was doing? Was any of it going to get me anywhere? Was any of it causing me joy, even? I didn't know what to do about my musical efforts - should I keep trying to put out songs or admit defeat? I still had that creative drive in me and I worried so much about my role in the world - "I'm not a good friend, not a good girlfriend and not a good daughter, and I certainly will never become a good psychologist directly helping people with their problems. I need to give something to the world - I need to find a purpose". I didn't do stuff because I was anxious, and then I was anxious because I didn't do stuff. But I think at that point I also realised I didn't only want to succeed and produce. I also wanted to live. Having fun was missing from my life too. I rarely saw or talked to friends and my relationship wasn't going well either. Every day I tortured myself looking at other people live their lives on social media and thinking to myself I wanted what they had. I wanted to be someone. I wanted to create, to connect and to matter, but all of these things have only ever caused me anxiety in my life and I didn't know where to go from there.

With the virus getting worse again and the start of another online semester, there was one silver lining to locking myself in again though. During the pandemic, I have been playing a lot of video games, possibly even more than before. They weren't only a nice way to numb my brain and relax - no, the opposite, they were actively giving me a temporary sense of direction and progress with each gaming session. I have always loved The Sims for this reason, I had spent so many years building and perfecting my little worlds to my liking and practicing full control over my characters' lives, but this time I began to feel like it was something bigger. I discovered the Sims side of the internet, something I had not really done before, and the amount of content, help, info and Sims-related entertainment has blown me away. Whole new levels of playing have been unlocked for me and I began to dive deeper than ever. I wanted to be part of the community, so in the autumn I started streaming the game on Twitch and this time I knew better than to tell anyone I already knew about it. That didn't quite turn out as I expected, and my streamer phase was cut short in January by someone I knew from high school accidentally finding my stream. Before that, I would only get moderately anxious before streams, not worried much about what viewers were going to think of me (if they find me annoying they'll just leave and I'll never have to hear from them again), but then that unexpected turn of events ruined everything in my head. All my confidence I had built up was suddenly gone. I never streamed again after that. It wasn't really for me anyway, I told myself.

Instead, insistent on further pursuing the only thing that was giving me joy at the time, I started my YouTube channel initially uploading Sims tutorials, because I thought I had useful stuff to show people that has a greater chance of making someone happy than just watching me try to put together a sentence for 5 minutes straight while my Sims struggle to get in the shower by themselves. And much to my surprise, it was gaining decent traction, although I put a lot of it down to luck even today. But either way, it's been growing more or less consistently ever since, and beginning of the summer I stopped to think "could I not just be doing this for a living now?". "Could this be my new creative ambition?". As much as I would have liked to say yes based on my progress and how I managed to earn the same amount I would have earned in a month at my part-time retail job (we're talking Eastern European sums kids!), it wasn't that simple. Thoughts around this have of course been puzzling me for months now. I like to think of myself as a natural talker, just because I am anxious I am NOT quiet or shy. I can even make small talk very well, it's just that because I'm mortified by the possibility of an awkward silence I tend to avoid situations where it might be required. And I talk to myself all the time. So on paper, talking to a camera should not be an issue. And yet every time I record a video I feel my soul being sucked out of my body because I need to make sure I say every sentence correctly and that ends up in draining 4 hour recording sessions. Editing videos, on the other hand, is a rewarding process, a kind of flow-experience I have not really known before, though extremely long and usually detrimental to my sleep schedule (which is far from being rosy by default). Maybe I just put too much effort into everything, but it really makes you question - is it worth it? Can I really be doing this on the long run without destroying myself? And will I ever get used to the social interactions that come with it?

It's weird, suddenly getting recognition for something, people giving me positive feedback on the daily. This certainly happened more suddenly than I thought it would and I don't think I was prepared. Naturally, people taking the effort to leave me nice comments and messages makes me want to reply, appreciate their kindness and return the favour but the trinity of little demons inside me - social anxiety, impostor syndrome and a chronically low self-esteem - makes this a difficult task to complete. To combat the overwhelming weight of responsibility that comes with making sure I appreciate everyone who appreciates me enough, as well as to shut out the fear that what I have now can be taken away from me any second, I have built up a mental wall between me and my relative success. This wasn't a conscious choice, it's just the way my brain has started dealing with this new situation. I do not allow myself to internalise the rewards of what I work so hard for and that contributes to why, when I look back on 2021 so far, all I see is depression despite having "gotten what I wanted". My YouTube channel has been the only thing bringing hope and the only thing I've got going for me and yet I am incapable of embracing it.

The past one year has been enlightening. It has enlightened me that there must be something deeply wrong with me because I have not been able to enjoy life even at times I had all the reasons to. The times I am capable of letting go and feeling happy for short periods come exactly based on that - short periods. I'm drifting into states of bliss only when I know the situation is temporary and doesn't come with commitment and responsibility. Some of these moments of calmness come to me while walking to the store by myself after dark, getting invested in my video games, meeting up with my friends for an evening every once in a while and writing a therapeutic song just for myself using the simplest chords on the piano. The feeling usually doesn't last and disappears at the first attempt to get back to any kind of organised schedule (that attempt on most days is the simple act of trying to force myself to go to bed). Isn't that ironic? I wanted purpose. I wanted to get it together. And yet... every day is a struggle. I know now, I am the problem. Whether it's a chemical imbalance or another anomaly in my brain or my own fault somehow, it's not my circumstances, it's me. I wanted to be free and to make my life my own, and now I just can't. Every day I worry about running out of time, rapidly approaching death and not being able to say that I have lived. This is why turning 21 fills me with so much panic. I am no longer a child and I'll never be again, although I wouldn't even like to be. I just can't help thinking that I wasted so many opportunities to enjoy myself and to push for my goals. But it's gone now and there's no point regretting how I used to think about life back then. If I look back on my life so far I see a lot of stuff that happened that made half of my brain temporarily happy, but the other half was always filled with anxiety, anticipation to get out or dissatisfaction. It was just never fully right and I keep hoping that there will come a time when it will feel fully right. Before turning 19, I thought independence was going to give me that. Now at 21, I'm not quite sure there's anything that's going to give me that if I don't also start to work through every single one of my issues (although part of me still likes to cling onto the idea that once I'm done with my first and last degree, a lot of underlying stress and guilt will be taken off my shoulders and I'll see everything in a different light). So for a start, I just finally signed up for psychological counselling. I don't know if it will help but it's something and I've done it for myself. I need to do more for myself.

There is so much more I could talk about. Like the pandemic, how I've turned into a hermit, my relationship, struggling to be honest with myself and slowly losing touch with my all time number one passion because of it. I could talk about how I know that society has been deliberately making us (especially women) feel scared of aging and yet I still file it under personal issues, how I've been trying to fix my sleep schedule for a year and a half straight now, the guilt I feel from my family and friends all the time, my inability to concentrate and how I fall into despair concerning the future and present of humanity every time I read the news and people's opinions on social media. I could talk about how I want to cry every time I see a picture of somewhere beautiful in the world - a street in Japan, a lake in the Alps or the trees in the Mediterranean - because I feel a longing that is almost nostalgic for places I've never even visited. There is always so much to still be told to complete the story, but why do I want people I'll never fully know to understand me that well? I need to let go of compulsions like these.

Deep down I just hope that I'm not the only one terrified of growing old.

[ilovemyschool]

Teaching through COVID???

Bless you if you actually make it to the end of this post, lol.

I teach high school science- specifically Chemistry and AP Chemistry.  I absolutely love teaching and I love my students.  I especially enjoy getting to talk to them about what they want to do when they graduate, where they want to go to college, what kind of jobs they want to do, and all of that fun stuff.  Finishing high school is an incredibly exciting time in life for a person, and I feel privileged to get to re-live the excitement and apprehension and hopefulness and all the other feelings that come along with having so many possibilities for your life laid out in front of you.  I don’t know any other kind of work that allows you to feel those feelings year after year like I get to through my students.  I also try to support them through the hard stuff.  I listen when they cry and tell me that they feel alone in a room full of people, I hug them (if they want a hug) when they tell me their mom moved out over the weekend, and I feed them and get them additional support when they tell me they are hungry and don’t have enough to eat.  I spend hours on tutoring, grading, and lesson planning outside of my “contract hours.”  It never bothered me because I knew I was doing something that mattered to my kids.  If you’ve never gotten to see a kid gain self-confidence in their own ability by practicing with you one-on-one- let me just tell you it’s magical.  When they know you’ll sit down and work with them again and again when it’s still tough for them, they can see that you believe they’re worth the time and effort, and they start to believe it too.  When you get a note from a student about how they never thought they’d be able to understand chemistry so well, but aced a state final exam or got a 4 or 5 on the AP exam, it feels like you’ve done more than teach them your subject- you’ve taught them to believe they can do hard things.  

I’m sick to my stomach right now, because I am so torn on whether to go back this year.  My students are set to come back in two weeks.  There are so many things going through my head and this has been whirling around for the past two weeks, so I’m writing it out.  To quit or not to quit.  That is my question.

To Quit:

*My district notified parents of the plan just two weeks ago at the same time as the teachers- teachers actually just got a quick email that said something to the effect of “oh hey- check out this stuff we’re sending to parents about next school year.”  

*Since they released their plan, I got in to see a doctor.  I have an autoimmune condition.  It’s not a big deal in general, just a pill everyday, but it does affect my risk- although in the grand scheme of immuno-issues, thankfully mine is on the low end of the COVID risk spectrum.

*The district’s plan is for all students to go back to school 5 days/week, unless they opt for the virtual option.  The hours will be shortened so that the district doesn’t have to do a deep clean at the 4 hour mark as would be required if we were in school for the usual 7 hours.  Instead, teachers will all teach 4 class periods and also have to teach an online class.  If you’ve never taught, teaching online is a whole separate thing, so even if you teach chem both online and in person, it’s likely that most of the time you’ll have to set up your lessons completely differently for the two.  It’s not a deal breaker, but it’s extra work for sure.

*Teachers are responsible for sanitizing the classrooms between classes, which means we’ll have to pee some other time, although every teacher is teaching all 4 classes, so we won’t have anyone available to cover us?  I guess they’ll figure that out?

*According to the FAQ document our principal sent out, if we are told to quarantine or isolate, we have to use our sick days.  If we go through our sick days or run out we can apply to the sick day bank.  They don’t say it in the FAQ, but once you’ve used up days, they dock your pay.  

*However, that might not actually be a problem, because in a virtual staff meeting they held on Friday, the assistant superintendent shared that the health department here is now defining “exposure” as 15 minutes or more within 6 feet of a person who has tested positive without a mask.  That means that we could be in the classroom with kids who later test positive for COVID for an hour and neither the teacher nor the parents of the other kids in that class would be notified or asked to isolate because we were all wearing masks and therefore were “not exposed.”

*Since all kids are going back at the same time, thats nearly 1800 kids (minus the ones who signed up to take all their classes virtually).  Based on early estimates, less than 20% are going to opt to go online.  There are no plans to stagger class changes, which means our hallways will be full- it will not be possible for students to social distance.

*Currently, I have a class with 33 students in one of my face-to-face classes.  That’s a fairly big class anyway, but in COVID, they’ll be packed in there.  It is not possible to keep that many kids 6 feet apart in my classroom.

*We are relying on parents to do temperature checks every day and keep their child home if their temp is 100.4 or above.  If you’ve ever taught, you know that while most parents are responsible with things like this, there are some that will send their child in no matter what because they have to work or (in some very sad situations) want the time to themselves.

*In our state’s official COVID school plans, they outlined “Required,” “Strongly Recommended,” and “Recommended” measures.  My district seems to be reading “Strongly Recommended” as “Not Required.”  This means that they are okay with us running labs, sharing equipment, and working in close proximity because they think that parents understand that if they’re sending their child to school, that they know their child will be in close proximity to others.  They say that parents know that their kids will be 2/bus seat anyway and that they’re going to have to be changing classes in a full hallway.  I’m not so sure I agree with that.  I think parents are probably very unaware of that because I think it would be reasonable for parents to think that the “Strongly Recommended” guidelines would be implemented.  I’m not a parent, but I think that I would assume that?  Unfortunately, things like 6 feet of separation, doing on-site temperature checks, and not sharing materials are in the “Strongly Recommended” category, which means the district will “do their best.”

*Our district’s Union President wrote a letter to the board on our behalf regarding the strongly recommended guidelines.  The superintendent was dismissive of those concerns, stating that schools in other countries saw negligible spread upon reopening, which is like comparing our shitty COVID apples to European oranges.  Shortly after his response, two other board members went on to praise the administration for putting together a “safe” plan and quickly approved it to send on to the department of education.  I wish that those board members would come and sit in our classrooms for the first few weeks of school.

*We won’t know which class(es) we’ll be teaching online until the week before (best case scenario), so we can’t prepare very much that is specific to our class until the week before school.  We won’t know our final schedule in general until next week.  To not know this with only a week and a half to go is insane.  My anxiety is in full gear.

*Financially, we could handle it if I don’t work.  

Not to Quit:

*I have one student who had me for a science class his freshman year, then requested to take my chemistry class during his sophomore year, and is signed up for AP Chem this year.  I don’t want to miss it.

*Lots of my former chem kids are signed up for my AP Chem class this year.  I’m newer to the school, but I’ve been really working on growing the AP Chem program.  We even had enough students sign up to make 2 sections of AP Chem this year, which hasn’t happened in a long time at this school.

*I don’t want to quit with only 2 weeks before school- granted, they just announced the district plans 2 weeks ago and in that time I’ve had to talk with my husband and family, consult a doctor, and look at our finances and upcoming expenses to gather the information I need to make a decision. However, with only 2 weeks left before kids are in my classroom, it would be extremely tight to hire and have someone in place for those kids.  I would hate to leave students in that spot where they might start school with a sub.

*I LOVE my classroom and my lab.  I put so much time into organizing and cleaning it out.  I decorated it really nice and made it super functional.  I would hate to have to move everything out- I doubt I’d ever have a classroom that epic again.  All my desks match, too!

*A bird in hand is worth two in the bush.  I have a job I really love at a school I like and with kids I like and it’s close to my house.  If I resign, they’ll have to hire someone else for my job, and I won’t get it back next year.  There is no guarantee that I get hired again next year at another school nearby either.  With budget cuts, who knows?

*In a new job, I could be teaching anything in the sciences- I love that I have a specifically chemistry teaching job.  Those are rare and hard to come by.

*One of the “Required” measures in the state’s plan is to wear a mask.  That’s helpful.  All students and staff will have to wear a mask unless they are medically exempt.

*I’m still youngish, especially by COVID risk standards.

*Maybe nothing bad will happen- hopefully it won’t and the year will go relatively smoothly and staff and students will stay healthy and get through unscathed.  If that ends up being how it goes, I’d regret resigning and second guess my decision.

*I would feel guilty for calling it quits when so many others don’t have the option and may be at higher risk than me due to age or underlying conditions or taking care of loved ones that are either older or immunocompromised.  I know so many teachers who have to work this year because their spouse/partner is unemployed, or they are the sole breadwinner for their family, or they are going to retire soon and need their income to stay high to maximize their social security benefits.  

*I don’t know how I’ll take it if I go from teaching full time to being a stay at home wife.  I did stay at home for a year when we moved to another state, and it was HARD on me.  I developed a bit of a depression, exasperated by some other things that were going on.  I got on medication and did some therapy and it eventually resolved, but that SUCKED.  I would really miss my students and my fellow teachers and having a clear purpose/mission for my days.  

In conclusion...

I’m not generally a hypochondriac or a “Nervous Nelly.”  Most stuff rolls off my back fairly easily.  This scares me.  I get the flu or an upper respiratory thing almost every year.  There’s no reason to think that somehow I’ll manage to miss COVID if it comes into our school.  I am beyond anxious about teaching in person with so few precautions being taken.  I’m also angry that my choices are to resign and lose the job I really want or to go in and feel anxious and angry about the lack of care and respect that teachers and students are being shown by district and building administration for the foreseeable future until COVID is over.  I have had a stress knot in my gut for the past two weeks over this stuff, and I highly doubt it’s going away if I decide to stay and teach.

Since the pandemic started I have stayed at my house with few exceptions over the summer.  I wear a mask when I go out, I usually use a pick-up option for my groceries, a drive-thru option for my pharmacy, and I just avoid gatherings.  We do occasionally see my in-laws and my parents, usually outside and observing social distancing. In my state restaurants can’t fill to more than 50% capacity and movie theaters are just plain closed, but schools are about to open at 100% capacity.  I honestly can’t imagine putting myself in an enclosed space with over 30 kids or into a hallway with close to 1800 of them.  Even more than that, I can’t imagine not sitting down at a desk next to them to help them or watch them work a problem to see what they’re thinking.  I can’t imagine not getting to hug the girl who’s mom left or sit with the boy who doesn’t feel connected with his peers so he comes up to sit with me and do his homework after school.  Even if I do teach this year, I worry that my kids won’t get what they need from me- whether that’s homework help or emotional support.

If you are so inclined, please send up a prayer for state leaders, school administrators, teachers/school staff, and students this year.  We could all definitely use some wisdom, some grace, and your good vibes.

[wtfzodiacsigns]

Tarotscopes

Cancer: Take some advice from sensation Marie Kondo as you go along your week Cancer! Find the things that “spark joy” and keep them close. As for the things that don’t? Thank them and move on! You’re taking this week to be grateful. Thank your home for being sheltering you, your job for being stable, your laptop for working even though it’s a thousand years old. Look deep within and find the things that have been holding you back from true happiness - if it’s your job, figure out why. List things that make you grateful for having your job (and not just money!) while you search for another one. If it’s school that’s got you down, focus on a vision board for what you would like life to be like AFTER you get your degree. Give thanks for the present and future Cancer, both are just as important.

Leo: You’re surrounded in the color of yellow and orange - but most of it has to do with a neglected or abused sacral chakra. You’re going through heartbreak, through disappointment: it’s making you really question your beliefs, your practices, and causing you to put distance between yourself and your higher self, as well as the divine force you believe in. Well Leo, the pity party is over! You can’t heal unless you put forth the effort to do so! You want to reap the rewards of any and all kinds of wealth but you aren’t putting yourself through the process it takes to get there. Stop saying that “January was a trial month, my real news years starts in February…no, March.  . . Okay, April!”  The new year has started and it’s time for you to make the most of it. Get in touch with those sacred energies you have within. Get in touch with your GENUINE emotions, with your real truth. Then, and only then, will you reap your rewards.

Aries: This week Aries, you’re learning all about temptation and purification. As a sign who is always full steam ahead, you forget to look back into your life from time to time and figure out what’s no longer serving you or what unhealthy habit you’ve picked up. This week you’ll be facing some of your greatest temptations yet - with the gift of really reviewing it and being ready for a change. Your temptation could come in the form of anything (depending on you) - maybe you’ve been offered a job you feel uncomfortable with, sex before you’re ready, unhealthy eating habits, gossiping, putting off studying, overspending, working out to extremes, overthinking, and so on. The truth is, your temptations and unhealthy tendency/thinking is what is holding you back from achieving that which you desire. You are at a very powerful point in your life right now where you can open your hands and expect to receive… but first you have to get rid of that bad habit of yours. As a fire sign, purification THROUGH fire seems to be the best for you… burn a paper with your nasty habit or thought on it, burn a cleansing candle.

Virgo: Time is heavy on your mind for the opening of the years second month. It might have something to do with  Valentine’s day being just around the corner… But you’re really overthinking your life, subconsciously seeking all the wisdom you’ve collected from your visits and lives on Earth. You have some fear within your this week, thinking of how time is running out to make a name for yourself, to make loved ones proud, to catch up to your classmates, to find love, leaving a job, legal situation, etc… Don’t fear it Virgo, accept it! Time is what makes life so special. You already have the wisdom within you to achieve everything you’d like, you have a great amount of success and prosperity coming your way… A “cornucopia” if you will. But first, you must face an ending to usher in this new, prosperous beginning. Your blessings are here for you, stop worrying. Let go and flow with the winds of change.

Taurus: Recently, you’ve dealt with some form of hostility (purposely done to you or not) and it’s really put a damper on your spirits. Never fear! Now is the time for you be brave and stand up for yourself, putting your best foot forward and guess what? Keeping your mouth shut! As a creature of habit, it can be hard for you, Taurus, to break the normal and “be brave”, moving out of your comfort zone. This week it’s best for you to start (or work even harder) on your goals in SILENCE. The hostilities are over, even if their impact is long lasting, because you are being guided to create. To release your power, your energy, your inner thoughts - and prosper from them! Find things that help you achieve your inner creative … crystals, sigils, alchemy studies, etc. and stick to it. You are being guided a time of creation and silence. Trust in your goal and yourself.

Gemini: February starts off with you feeling much like a “Duchess” and possibly receiving signs from your spiritual team via the form of “a Duchess.” You’re taking a look at your life and have come to one conclusion:  that you’re tied up. You feel stuck, bored, and even suppressed - which is a dangerous thing for an intellectual, constantly moving air sign such as yourself. Gemini, it’s time to admit that the largest reason you’ve been stuck is because you haven’t been honest with yourself. . and others around you haven’t been given you full disclosures either. Expect some real heart to heart this week - from others to you, as well as yourself to you.

Libra: Libra, February starts for you … with the closing of a door and a few windows. But don’t worry, there’s about to be a huge, marvelous hole in the wall that reveals your true goal in sight! Many of you are working on something that can’t be done alone and because of this, your harmonious nature is being put to the test! Beliefs, styles and even energies are clashing between you and a partner and it’s driving you absolutely mad… Trust this: your inner Venus will not only find a way to achieve peace - but she’ll be head over heels for the final result! A manifested new beginning is here, even if it at first it seems impossible. When you’re feeling disheartened by it, try this simple exercise: take the word “impossible” and think of it as though yourself are the problem. Now, keeping that mindset…   break the word “impossible” into two words. “I’m Possible!”

Scorpio: Despite your best efforts, despite following the script exactly the way it was written and always meant to be - you feel as though you’ve been tossed into chaos. Obsessing over where you went wrong, where you lost yourself, and if you’ll ever have a chance to redeem yourself. Yes Scorpio, you will! Your outer calm has proven to be your best survival trait during a long standing problem and the time has finally coming for it to finally have it’s resolution put into forward motion. Know that it’s okay to seek yourself during this time, that none of your loved ones will be hurt because they are all protected. You are protected and eternally loved and have a right to healing. Possibilities you’ve never expected are coming to you and you can expect a miracle to set it’s course to you this week!

Pisces: You’d benefit greatly from some healing energy presented to you by the ocean itself. If you’re lucky enough to have the resources to dig your feet into the sand - go do it! If you’re not… Then take a bath with salt water, listen to the sounds of the sea, holding a seashell or wear a necklace you got down by the shore. You’re especially sensitive to the planetary energies this week Pisces, especially after you receive some important but not focused guidance and advice. Your throat chakra is aligned and ready! Voice what matters to you - no matter how global the scale because for you, this is the most healing activity you can be a part of. Trust that you’re ready to get rid of people with dangerous and conflicting beliefs as well as that you’re ready to clear your space and take care of Mother Earth!

Capricorn: The energy surrounding you this week can mean only one thing - you’re about to rock it! Things have finally settled in and you’re exactly where you’re meant to be at the moment: opening the doors to your dreams! Your golden age is beginning now and you’re in for a treat. A surge of energy, a surge of creativity, peace on the home front followed with the possibility of meeting somebody significant… At this time life is going to truly be what you make of it Capricorn - so for once, follow your luck and happiness without worry of the consequences!

Aquarius: The past stands beside you, using all of it’s might to get your attention. Habits, people, and memories of the past seem to be working their hardest to drown your Aquarius! Know this: you are the water bearer, you can scoop it up into a vase and pour right back into the river that is life. You are protected and the past can no longer control you. Neither can your feelings. Accept that being vulnerable is part of you - but it doesn’t define you. Cry for your past and then cry tears of joy for your future. Look at all you have accomplished, all you have become, look at the fact that you are still standing here today. You did that! It’s time to say goodbye to the past in order to see the full beauty of the rising sun - are you ready Aquarius?

Sagittarius: For some reason Sag, it feels like this week you just can’t get Mercury off your back… or perhaps that’s the influence of some inner Aries (or external Aries people). You’re starting to act out - and you’re angry! The fire within has been fueled and you’ve been working nonstop, demanding your blessings and expecting them. .  rightfully so. But, are you ready for them? Deal with your feelings of insecurity, of fear, but also those negative beliefs you’ve inherited during youth. Sag, it feels like you are personally leading “grind culture” and it’s exhausting.  Put the bow and arrow down for a night or two. . Take a nap then go and do something you love to do! Treat yourself this week! Self love is one of the best forms to set Law of Attraction in motion. Neglecting yourself isnt in the recipe for success.

Source: taurustarot

[neighborhoodmoonchild]

Music To My Ears (Jin x Siren!Reader)

Genre: Supernatural Au, College Au, Fluff, Angst

Warnings: Explicit language (just a bit), whole lotta angst, brief mentions of suicide, story also goes back and forth from Jin’s to Y/N’s POV, Fluuuufffff

Word Count: 9K, lets goooo

“What about Jiwoo?”

“No way.”

“There’s that girl from my psych class, Dae?” Jin scoffed and shook his head furiously.

“Anyone that shares a class with you Joon is a no-go. I want simple and easy, not a therapy session on why I’m ‘afraid’ of commitment.”

Joon shakes his head with a light chuckle, “Maybe you should be asking yourself that question.”

Jin laughs at his friend like he’s the funniest thing in the world, when Joon knows very well he’s not.

“Easy, I’m not afraid, I just don’t need a girlfriend right now. Monogamy is boring.”

Yoongi pulls his headphones off completely this time and turns to the two idiots taking up all the space on his bed, “Then why even bother with girls at all. Try flying solo for a while.”

That earns him a long, exaggerated eye roll.

“Because Yoongles, a man has needs.” If there was one quality Jin didn’t have, it was subtlety.

Being the most popular, handsome, and eligible guy on campus (self-coined, in case you couldn’t tell) was both a blessing and a curse. The pressure to pursue and please was insurmountable, and while Jin enjoyed a good challenge, he just wanted to relax and have some harmless fun while he could.

College wouldn’t last forever, and the endless pool of easy, available, no-strings-attached hook-ups died along with it, so Jin made it his mission to make the best of his last year here.

Only rule: girls in his dorm? OFF LIMITS. He made that mistake first year, and he still gets the stink eye from Yeri every time he goes to wash his clothes, and don’t even get him started on the various times the lights just “happened” to go out while he was taking a shower.

Everyone else is fair game and no repeats allowed. Some would call him a player, but he prefers opportunistic. I mean, campus is just serving him all of these gorgeous women on a silver platter, so what’s he supposed to do?

A painful groan breaks Jin from his thoughts, his attention flicking to the dark haired man now leaning so far back in his chair, it might just snap in half.

“Look, all I’m saying is that nothing good can come from your little ‘quest,’ ok?”

A snort from the eldest causes Yoongi to spin around and chuck his notebook at him, exasperation clear on his face.

“Except everything about it. No feelings, no mess, just fun.”

“Just because you don’t acknowledge the mess, doesn’t mean it’s not still there,” Yoongi counters, earning silence from his friends.

Jin ponders for a moment. Sure, sometimes he picked the wrong target and things got a little weird, but it couldn’t be that bad, right? It’s not like they didn’t know what they were getting into with him, he’s a pretty open book, ask anyone.

Then again, it’s not like he stuck around long enough to really gauge the outcomes, and to be honest, he doesn’t think he will be for a while. It may seem selfish, but come on, it’s not like any of these girls aren’t getting anything out of it, and he sees how some of them walk around all high and mighty afterwards. If anything, they’re using him just as much as he’s using them. Why not play the game if it’s a win-win?

The conversation on that dies out as quickly as it came, and after laughing about Joon’s mishap with his zipper in Physics for a solid 30 minutes, Yoongi gets fed up and kicks them out so he can finally study.

The walk back to his room is uneventful. His dorm is rather quiet at night, all the partying and adult shenanigans happens in Seo Hall or down the street at Phi Beta Nu. Jin loved a good kegger as much as the next guy, but the betas are just too stuck up their own asses you have to be fully inebriated to have any fun.

As he rounds the hall, he sees a slight steam sweep through the doorway to the communal bathrooms. If he were up to it, he totally would’ve messed with whoever was in their so late at night, but after the conversation with Yoongi and Joon, he couldn’t bother.

Usually his friends would be excited or at least fake being into his dumb conquests, but he could tell they were starting to worry about him. Jin wasn’t always like this, looking for easy and replaceable love, but after his girlfriend of almost 2 years broke up with him before they both started junior year, he just didn’t see the point in the long-term when it would all just fall apart in the end.

Jin was tired of putting in so much time and effort only to get slapped in the face and his heart ripped in two. No, the easiest way to protect your heart from breaking was to pretend you didn’t really have one, or at least use a fake while the real one is hidden away.

‘Love’ everyone but truly love no one.

Suddenly, he’s stopped just beyond the bathroom doorway, a sweet and soft voice dripping from the warm and damp air like fresh honey for only him to savor. It wasn’t uncommon for people to belt it out when they were alone in the shower, but this was something so uniquely and incredibly different, it pulled him in without any resistance.

Jin was not a pervert by any means, he’s always respectful and gentlemanly when it counted, and he knows it certainly doesn’t look that way as he carefully tiptoes through the doorway to find the source of the melody turning his insides to jelly and making his heart beat a little faster than normal.

Jin knew, he KNEW, this was a bad idea, but something inside him just told him to keep going. He could pinpoint the exact stall it was coming from, could almost see her outline through the curtain, when the singing stopped.

So lost in his haze, Jin didn’t even realize he knocked over an empty caddy by one of the stalls, causing a light bang, and indicating to the mystery girl that she was no longer alone.

Before he could process what was happening, Jin was out of the bathroom as fast as lightning, the sound of her curtain ripping open spurring his feet to move faster. He was out of there and hiding behind the corner like a crazy person, praying to God he wasn’t found out.

Jin had never ever done something like this before, and he was hoping the first time he messed up would not be the time he got caught.

The water now off, he could hear her footsteps as she slowly peeked out from the doorway, searching for the suspect. Jin’s heart beat so loud he was scared she’d find him by that alone.

It was quiet for a moment, and Jin let himself sneak a peek past the edge of the hall, hoping to catch a glimpse of this mystery girl. To his surprise, all he got was a flash of hair, the red color tinting her cheeks, and the fluffy pink of her robe as she quickly made her way down the hall towards her room.

He didn’t want to keep watching, anxious she’d feel his eyes and turn back and see him, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away. Her stature, the curve of her body, the sway of her hair against her shoulders and back, it was so mesmerizing, and he could not for the life of him get her voice out of his head.

After she was locked away in her room, Jin began his retreat to his, only looking back once in the direction of her door.

‘No dorm mates, remember that,’ he repeated in his mind, over and over and over again. But no matter how hard he tried to hear that like a mantra in his mind, her voice was louder than any thought he could provide.

-

You were still a bit paranoid after last night. You lived in a dorm for heavens sake, and a coed one at that, of course other people would be in the bathroom. Usually, you waited late enough for everyone to be either gone partying, studying, or on the rare occasion, sleeping.

After all, you didn’t see anyone, it was probably just your brain making things up thanks to too many late nights binging horror flicks.

Still, you couldn’t help feeling wary. You rarely break your ‘no voice’ rule, but you just couldn’t help yourself sometimes. You missed letting the notes and melodies fall from your lips, no matter how dangerous it could be.

Late night showers with the water masking the sound became the only way you were able to take a break from playing mute. You didn’t like lying to people, but you just couldn’t risk it.

Not after what happened last time.

With your backpack strapped safely to your back and arms cradling your notebook, you cautiously made your way to class. You made it a habit of trying to avoid eye contact with everyone all together. Sometimes even a look could draw them in, so pushing everyone away was best.

Of course, this was nearly impossible to do as a student, but you learned ways to keep it at bay. Hide yourself in as many layers as you could, don’t wear anything eye-catching, keep your head down, and never stay too long.

You even requested a room to yourself, in fear a roommate would stir up unnecessary trouble, and you wanted to get through college as incident-free as possible after first year.

Of course, all of these precautions didn’t stop the trouble all together. When you first came to school, people, especially guys, were all over you. They’d cast the shy card, the innocent card, and when you wouldn’t fall into their traps, they’d casted you out all together.

The shy girl everyone wanted became the prude people avoided.

Albeit it was a bit lonely at times, you remembered that you weren’t here to make friends, you were here to get an education. On you couldn’t get where you were from, and one you had fought fiercely to obtain.

You weren’t going to let that be ripped away from you by a little bout of loneliness.

You made it to class with a few minutes to spare, your notebooks and pencils taking their places sprawled across your desk as you awaited instruction.

Class went by slower than usual, and you couldn’t help but feel like someone was watching you. You weren’t a stranger to wandering eyes, but they usually lost interest rather quickly. This time, however, you could tell every time they’d wander back to you, and you knew better than to indulge and find the culprit.

Instead you ignored it, trying hard to focus on the lesson, and then suddenly, class is over and you realized you missed the assignment.

After waiting a few minutes for people to clear out, you made your way down to the professor, one you’d met plenty of times before, and began to sign.

Learning sign language was a skill that helped tremendously. Suddenly, you went from racing to write your thoughts out on paper, to being able to have sort-of easy flowing conversations when needed. Most were more than happy to accommodate you, bringing in an interpreter and some even knew a few basic signs to talk with you. For the the less forgiving ones, you still carried around your pad and pen.

You asked him if he would repeat the assignment due for next week, hands a bit shaky. You weren’t the best, but it was understandable. He happily obliged, and you took down the information on your planner.

After thanking him, you turn to head out, when a pair of eyes meet yours.

-

Jin couldn’t even escape this girl in his dreams. Suddenly, her voice echoed through every cavity of his brain, the image of her hair flowing as she walked down the hall distracting him from his daily tasks.

Now he was on the verge of being late for class and he couldn’t help but blame the girl a bit. He knew he was just being petty, but how could someone like her have evaded him for so long? How had he not noticed her before?

He was a charmer, a magnet for girls like her, so how had she slipped right through his fingers? Jin admittedly was more interested in the mystery right now than the girl herself, but he seemed that they are one in the same. After all, he couldn’t really be interested in someone he had never met before. And he didn’t even know why he was so taken in the first place.

Jin now made it his new mission to find out who this girl was, whether she wanted to be  found or not. He needed answers; why was she up so late? Why did her voice effect him so? Why had he never seen her before now?

When he finally stumbled into Psych, he never expected he’d find his suspect so soon. Yet, there she was, a few rows ahead of him, hair pushed behind her ears, supplies all laid out before her, and he didn’t mean to, but all he can do is stare.

How fate had lined this up so perfectly for him and what he did to deserve it, he wasn’t sure. All he knew was that now that he could see her properly, in the daylight and not hiding behind a corner, the beating of his heart sped up so fast he was sure he might have a heart attack right there.

After intensely staring at her for a few seconds, he could sense the change in her demeanor, knew she could tell he was staring. He tried multiple times to pay attention to the lecture, but he just couldn’t seem to hold his focus on anything accept her.

He desperately did not want to make her feel uncomfortable, yet he could tell that’s exactly what he was doing. He could slap himself for it, now she’d never give him the time of day.

Jin spent so much time going back and forth with himself over what to do, he didn’t realize class had already come to a stop and people were filing out. As he snapped himself out of it, stuffing his things back into his bag, he saw that girl get out of her seat.

The bounce of her hair when she walked towards the professor made his stomach do flips, but he pushed the feeling aside to be reasonable. Was she pretty? Yes. Was he attracted to her? As much as you can be to a stranger, he guesses.

He watched as she rose her hands, moving them quickly albeit shakily, and the professor responded to her, giving her the notes for the assignment, which she quickly jotted down.

Now, that was interesting. Why was she using her hands to communicate when she could’ve just spoken to the professor? Jin was even more intrigued than he was before.

Just as he was about to leave them to it, she turned around, instantly locking eyes with him. Jin wasn’t sure what to do. Does he say hi? Pretend it never happened and flee? But before he could choose an option, you were already on your way towards him.

-

You weren’t planning on confronting him, but he was conveniently still there, standing, staring.

You’d never seen this boy before, but then again, you never made it your mission to remember names and faces. After all, they would never be permanent.

This time, however, something stirred inside you. A feeling like fate, maybe, wanted you to take initiative just this once.

You couldn’t pinpoint what exactly in him drew you forward, to believe that this was all okay and that you weren’t making a big mistake again.

Maybe it was the way his warm brown eyes seemed to grow when you caught his gaze.

Perhaps it was his lopsided smile as he internally decided what to do.

Good looks were something that obviously came naturally to him, but it wasn’t that.

No, you could feel something different emanating from him.  

A hidden warmth so purely good you couldn’t help but let it pull you in, no matter how scarily quick it was causing all your protective walls to crumble to the ground.

Stopping just in front of him, you tilt your head a bit to the side, questioning.

He just stares for a moment, realizes what he’s doing, and quickly plays it off cool, his hand coming to scratch the back of his neck.

“Hi, um, my name’s Jin. Nice to meet you.” His hand shoots forward to grasp yours, fingers sliding against one another’s and then falls back to his side.

You take a minute to think. He probably doesn’t know sign language. Maybe I should get my pad out.

You reach in your bag for your paper, when he clears his throat.

“You can talk, right?” He asks, but his tone is edging more towards statement, like he already knows the answer.

You freeze. Lying to him felt wrong, more wrong than it did with everyone else, which was incredibly strange due to him being a complete stranger.

You retract your hands, and look back up at him, shaking your head no.

His expression turns to confusion, which you quickly mirror. It’s when he notices your face that he scrambles to explain.

“It’s just...” he takes a deep sigh, “I heard you. The other night.” He stops, looking into your eyes for understanding. You don’t get the hint, so he continues.

“I was walking back to my room last night, and I heard someone singing in the shower. Their voice was so beautiful. So I waited around a bit, and I saw you leave.”

You can feel the flush rise up through your cheeks, staining every inch of your face in utter embarrassment and fear.

How could you have been so stupid?

Shaking your head no so vigorously it might fall off, you quickly rush past him. You needed to get out of there. Create some distance; a LOT of distance. No way were you going to make the same mistake again.

Expecting him to just drop it, you’re surprised when his footsteps echo behind you.

“Wait, I didn’t mean to make you upset... I just-“ but before he could finish, you whip around, throwing your arms up, signaling him to stop.

You rip your pad and pen from your bag, and scribble out your frustration.

His eyes drop from yours to the pad in front of him.

“Just leave me alone. Please.”

You turn to leave, but he steps in front of you.

“Look, I’m sorry, okay? Why can’t you just talk to me. I know you can.” He seemed almost upset with you. How could he be upset with you?!?

“None of your business. Goodbye.” You shove it in his face and once he’s flustered, you make your escape.

Making your way back to your dorm, fuming at the absolute audacity of this guy, you make a mental note to never trust yourself again when it comes to stupid feelings. I mean, how the hell you had felt any warmth in him was beyond you. How dare he act like he knows you. He doesn’t know a damn thing!

You were so caught up in mentally beating the shit out of this ‘Jin’ guy, you didn’t even notice him walk past you and go into his room just down the hallway.

-

“And then she just shoves her notebook in my face and walks off! What the hell?”

To say Jin is thoroughly aggravated would be an understatement.

He could deal with a girl just not being interested in him, whatever, but for a girl to make him feel stupid like that?

He wasn’t sure about a lot of things, but he was 100% sure that that girl was the one he heard singing in the bathroom the other night. He feels it in his bones.

“Well, you did basically accuse her of faking being mute or whatever.” Yoongi was only half painting attention to the conversation, once again mind clouded with all of the work he had to do. Jin could tell, but he was too frazzled to care.

Sure, he definitely could’ve handled the situation better, but everything about her made him nervous, and then she shuts him down, without so much as a second thought? She didn’t even know him for heavens sake, how could she treat him like he was just some douche?

“I didn’t mean to, I was trying to be nice, but she is just so frustrating. I didn’t demand she tell me her life story, I just know she can talk and I wanted to hear her voice again.” Yoongi ignored him, so Jin sighed as loud as he could and left the room.

As he was walking back to his room, he passed your door. He took a quick glance at the name sprawled across the little cut-out butterfly that the floor advisor made for all the tenants. Y/N.

Her negativity towards him should’ve deterred him, even stopped him all together. Oh, but that’s not how Jin works. Now he had even more of a reason to figure this Y/N out. He was going to get her to talk to him if it was the last thing he did.

In his room, he grabs his laptop and starts researching sign language. If she wants to play hard ball, I’ll learn the game.

Despite his love of simple and easy, Jin couldn’t resist this challenge, and he couldn’t help but feel like this was an opportunity he couldn’t pass up.

Forget one night stands, he wanted to, scarily enough, put in the work for this one. Something in his heart was telling him you’d be worth the effort.

He’d find a way to get to you, no matter how long or hard it’d be.

Jin understands having secrets and your right to keep them, but what could be so bad about a voice?

-

After as peaceful of a night’s sleep as you could get in a dorm, you had almost completely forgotten about the encounter with Jin yesterday. Keyword: almost.

It could’ve just been completely forgotten all together if he hadn’t been standing outside your door as soon as you walked out for class, an annoying smirk plastered to his smug little face.

You were startled, which only seemed to make his smile grow, as if annoying you made his entire day. The dynamic you two had developed over less than a full day of knowing each other was nothing short of absolutely insane. How could two complete strangers suddenly be so ‘comfortable’ around each other?

Obviously Jin was more comfortable with you than vice versa, considering he went from listening to you in the shower, to confronting you in class, to now waiting for you outside your room. Either this guy is incredibly bold or incredibly stupid.

One glance might see a friend waiting outside your dorm to walk you to class. Another might see a stalker waiting for their prey. You knew Jin was just curious, it wasn’t something you hadn’t encountered before, so you entertained the thought that he just might lie somewhere in between those two extremes just to humor yourself.

He approached you, carefully, his demeanor shifting, softening, like he didn’t want to press you. Maybe he just has one of those faces that always looks annoying for some reason.

You prepared yourself to walk away, to shake your head, give him the finger, stomp on his foot, you don’t know, just something, anything to get him off your back.

He would probably say something incredibly ignorant without meaning too and you’d have to take it in one ear and out the other without taking it to heart. After all, you didn’t want to fight with him. You didn’t really want anything to do with him considering your history and his revelation about a few nights before.

But as you lifted your hand to back him off, he started moving his hands in a fashion you had become familiar with. You watched the motion of his hands, the shapes he creates, the orientation of his palms, and realizes he’s trying to sign to me.

This kid. This fucking kid, who you just met yesterday, one you had definitely gotten off on the wrong foot with, spent his night, which could’ve been used to party, study, whatever. He spent it on learning some sign language. He spent all night practicing signs so he could talk to you.

Not sure whether you should be flattered or frustrated that he now could technically talk to you in a way you couldn’t just blatantly ignore, you stood, mouth gaped as he continued to move his hands over and over again.

It was sloppy, obviously, but the idea was there. He never took his eyes from you, waiting for you to understand and respond.

“I’m sorry,” he signs, “can we start over?” The look on his face closely resembles regret. He was actually apologizing. A college guy apologizing for acting like a jerk? Well, this was a first.

You wanted to forgive him right away. Honestly, he was just being normal. It’s not his fault you had a secret. You knew you overreacted, but you honestly wanted to throw him for a loop first. See if he could keep up with you, if it would be worthwhile to indulge in conversing and learning about one another, even though it broke all of your rules.

This was the first real contact you’d had in a long time, and you kind of missed it now that you’d had a taste.

You desperately want to break into a stupid grin, but remain stoic, which sends a rigid chill through Jin. He’s nervous you won’t accept his apology. That you’d hate him forever and he’d never get to know you, the real you.

“Why should I?” It takes him a minute and you repeating it once more for him to finally understand what you’re saying. He’s not surprised, after all, you don’t know him, he doesn’t know you, there is no basis of trust established, and all you had was his bad impression from yesterday to go on.

He thinks, mulling over in his head not only a proper response, but how to sign it well enough you’ll understand.

“I don’t know,” he thinks again, “just a feeling we could be friends.” He chuckles a bit at his awful signing, which he can tell is as bad as he thinks just by the confused way your eyes move following his hands and face.

It was honest. No bullshit. No lines. He was telling the truth, a truth you knew and felt on your own. Something drew you to him, you could feel it from the moment you locked eyes with him. After what happened the last time you let yourself get too close to someone, you were eager to push this feeling away to avoid repeating old mistakes.

Something about this one, though, felt different. It’s like he wasn’t seeing the side of you that lured people in. He was seeing the side of you that just wanted to be normal. The you that could put up a cool, collected front but easily break it down with your stubborn, childish, annoying side.

The you that was usually so well hidden from the outside world. Jin brought out the real you, the human in you.

It was too much to ask of a stranger, yet here he was, putting in the work and then some, just for the minuscule chance you might accept him, let him into your world.

He wasn’t looking for much, he just wanted to know you. You seemed like this perfect, put together girl that could have the world wrapped around your finger if you wanted. Yet you blockaded yourself from the joys and wonders of life, and he wanted desperately to understand why. Not for selfish purposes, but because he could see that you were forcing yourself to stand alone.

After all, he is the complete opposite. He has the world wrapped his finger and he knew it, exploiting it and taking all it offered him. Compliments, opportunities, lovers, they were his for the taking and he happily indulged. He couldn’t see how you could have the same opportunity and blatantly ignore it.

He could tell you weren’t happy just by looking in your eyes. The way you avoided him and others, how you went straight from class to your unshared room. How long had you cut yourself off from the rest of the world?

Jin wanted to understand the why so he could figure out if there was a way to change your mind. To show you that life had so much to offer, so many wonderful things, that you’d want to open up, experience life in a way that would leave every day feeling better than the last.

The last thing he thought you needed was a ‘knight in shining armor.’ No, you didn’t need help, he could tell you were strong, but he did think you could use a sidekick of sorts along the way. A friend, someone who indulges sometimes too much in the joys of life. Who better to show you just how fun life can be? Now all he needed was for you to be willing to let him.

Again, it was a lot for him to ask of you, a stranger, but he figured it was worth a shot. Worst case scenario, you’d tell him to bug off and never talk to him again, but you didn’t exactly talk to him much as it is, so there was nothing really to lose.

You, on the other hand, had a lot to lose.

Your first year, you had ignored the warnings of your family against going to university. You’d been homeschooled all your life to protect you, they had said. Turns out, they were actually protecting others from you.

You’d been starved of non familial human interaction, so when this kind-hearted guy paid attention to you, it made you feel special. Of course, it wasn’t as simple as you thought.

Back then you’d known little about controlling your abilities. When you spoke, it naturally affected some people more than others. This guy had been so far under your spell, it quickly edged on dangerous.

You’d tried to break things off as carefully as possible, spare him the hurt as best you could, but he wouldn’t, no, couldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer.

It got worse, and suddenly you found yourself sitting in a police station being questioned about his suicide and you vowed never again.

Never again would you hurt someone like that; would not only put someone else through that, but yourself as well.

Pushing people away kept them safe. You were dangerous.

And all of a sudden, this goofy, broad-shouldered idiot with a dopey smile comes crashing into your life and you can’t help but feel like you won’t be able to shake him even if you tried.

As long as you kept quiet, you figured, what was the harm in letting him hang around?

You let out an exasperated sigh, one that catches Jin’s attention as he eagerly awaits for you to sign something, anything.

“Fine. Forgiven.” Light glimmers in his eyes as he flashes you a big grin, happy with the verdict.

“Friends?” He adds, extending a hand for you to shake. You stare at his fingers, hesitant and nervous that a touch could even be a trigger. You slowly take his hand, and after finding no problem, shake.

“Do I have a choice?” You sign, and take his loud laugh and head shake as a big fat no, not that you were surprised.

He follows just behind you as you walk to class in silence, but he starts to move his hands again, and as you look over, you see, “Cool, can I copy your Psych homework?”

Instant regret.

-

Did you see that right? No way, maybe you missed something. You signal him to sign again.

“Are you Friday homework busy?” He doesn���t seem to catch on that what he said made no freaking sense whatsoever, so you sign ‘again.’

Jin rolls his eyes, repeating his hand motions for the third time, and you still can’t figure out what the hell he’s on about.

It’s been a few months since you’d started ‘hanging out,’ though 99% of the time it was Jin just following you around, watching you do homework or other mundane things, and asking you to let him copy your assignments when he couldn’t be bothered to do them himself.

It was something hard to get used to at first, but soon you found yourself falling into a rhythm with him. Suddenly he was a natural part of your every day, something you quickly looked forward too even though you you would never tell him that.

So after being around him for so long, you knew he could sign better than that. Usually he’d catch himself, laugh off the embarrassment, and let you help him get it right.

This, needless to say, was highly unusual.

Jin, on the other hand, found your confusion hilarious. He didn’t give it away that he thought as much, because he was doing it on purpose after all.

After spending a few months with you, he’d noticed how quickly you placed him into your routine. As much as he enjoyed that, he wanted to change it up. He learned a lot about you, from the way you twirl your pencil when your bored, to the way you tuck your hair behind your ears when you’re embarrassed. Even your cute ugly laugh when he does something stupid.

He loved all those things, loved that you share them with him, but you were still hiding a part of yourself, and Jin was determined to find it and uncover it. He just wants you to be completely, wholly, and unapologetically you, because to him, nothing could be better.

To say he became quite infatuated with you with every new discovery would be an understatement. He felt like a lovesick puppy sometimes, and all he wanted was to hold you in his arms and tell you dumb jokes to make you smile.

Of course, you probably only thought of him as a friend, and Jin was totally fine with that. He was just happy that you’d accepted him at all, and he wasn’t about to ruin that over what was probably just a silly crush.

So, Jin had come up with this ‘clever�� plan to get you to actually talk to him. With everything he’s learned about you, he knew how impatient you could be, especially when frustrated.

If he signs so bad you can’t understand him, you’ll quickly get fed up and open your mouth, considering you’d caught yourself almost doing so numerous times before. While Jin was also very anxious about stirring up your wrath, he thought it would most likely be worth it in the long run if he could get you to speak.

And you were quickly falling into his trap.

How in the hell was he not seeing that his structure was making zero sense? You try to sign to him, tell him to knock it off, but he just looks at you confused. He knows these signs so why is he acting like he doesn’t understand you?

You could feel a few wandering eyes, knowing fully well that they were getting a laugh out of your charades session with Jin. You could feel the heat creep up your neck, and you wanted so badly to tell him to piss off, stop messing with you, to cuss him out.

You bit your tongue for as long as you could, but the dam finally collapsed, your fist flying into his shoulder.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Quite being an asshole!” You whisper shout at him, and the cheering erupts in Jin’s mind, confetti cannons bursting, a song of victory playing on loop.

He couldn’t help the smile that quickly took over his face, no matter how intense your death glare was. He wanted to lunge forward and hug you, for you to say something again.

He wouldn’t admit it out loud, but he was dying to hear his name drip from your lips, no matter the context.

“Sorry, what was that?” He prodded, softly punching your shoulder back.

Rolling your eyes, you tense at the realization you just spoke out loud. What the hell were you thinking? That was just it, you weren’t.

Your hand flies to cover your mouth, not wanting to make eye contact with Jin. You didn’t know what to expect except the absolute worse, and when he rests his hand on your knee, you look up.

His expression is sympathetic, “You know, you don’t have to be scared to talk to me.” His voice is low as to not scare you.

You search his eyes for a telltale sign that he’s affected. Usually, their eyes turn a bit hazy, but his were clear as day.

Considering you’d just cut yourself off from people as best you could, you weren’t sure if there was a possibility there were people out there that couldn’t be affected. Obviously others like you weren’t, but you could tell when you were near another sea-born, almost like a telepathic bond you had with your kind.

Jin was an enigma to say the least.

The fear that coursed through your veins subsided a bit, and it was slowly replaced with a building excitement. You might have found someone, a human none the less, that you could finally speak to. Your time of solitude might have finally been over.

Jin was scared to say anything else. He thought maybe he’d pushed you to far, been unfair, and built a new barrier between the two of you. It was when he saw the smile crawl onto your face that he realized he might have just cracked you right open.

Seeing that smile, one full of potential and excitement he didn’t quite understand, was like caffeine to the butterflies in his stomach. His heart raced a mile a minute, a warmth coursing through his veins filling him with an energy he’d never known before.

Now this was something he could get used to.

What he wasn’t expecting was for you to lunge forward and wrap your arms tightly around his neck, taking him a second to pull himself from the shock to return the hug.

“You wanna go somewhere and talk?” He asks, and your eyes light up.

You pull him up from his seat in the library, heading towards the dorms nodding your head.

“By the way,” you start, Jin following close behind you. You turn your head to look over your shoulder at him, a smirk on your face, “I know you did that on purpose, Jin.”

He knows he should’ve been worried by the tone behind your words, but once his name left your lips, that was all he could focus on the whole walk to your room.

-

“Never? Like, never ever?” Jin’s face contorts in amused surprise. He’d been questioning you for the past hour about everything under the sun, from childhood pet trauma to inappropriate crushes.

You roll your eyes, though a giggle escapes your lips, “No, I’ve never ever thought of a teacher that way.” You hold his pillow tighter to your chest as he falls over the end of his bed, clearly exasperated and not believing you for a second.

“There’s no way. There are at least, like, 3 of your professors that are, objectively, sexy as hell and you’re telling me you’ve never thought about?”

You shake your head, “Nope, not once.” The laughter easily flows from your lips as he gets frustrated.

“Yeah, sure, whatever you say.” He smirks at you, and you pretend to get defensive.

“What, and you have?” That sends him over the edge in giggles, rolling around the bed, causing the whole thing to shake, including you.

He lifts himself up and stares at you, “Of course! I’m a normal, healthy man aren’t I?” You’re not sure how to respond without laughing and making him question himself, so you just playfully smack his arm and agree.

“Fine, fine. I guess I’m just a weirdo then.”

“Amen to that!” He bounces, smirking at you, earning himself another slap. He fakes hurt and snatches the pillow from your arms, pouting.

“I may be a weirdo, but you’re just a big baby.” Your hand caresses through his brown locks, his eyes peeking from the edge of the pillow, the smile in them giving himself away.

Being able to talk to each other out loud opened many new doors for the two of you in the weeks that followed. It was exciting to get to know someone on an intimate level like this, without fear of it going south the way it had before.

It was, surprisingly, normal. The most normal you had felt in a long, long time.

Suddenly you had someone to share your thoughts and feelings with, even the most mundane of them. Friendship unlocked this whole new side of yourself you’d never experienced before.

Jin felt the same way. He didn’t realize how he was just blowing through life like it was nothing until he met you. Every minute was spent finding something new he cherished about you, instead of wasting it away with childish things like he had in the past.

He found new meaning in every day, spending more time living and having fun with you, rather than complaining about his trials and tribulations to Namjoon and Yoongi (which they were utterly grateful to you for).

You both had something to look forward to every day; each other.

In the beginning you thought you were total opposites bound for failure. Jin was this upbeat, extrovert with a wild side. You were the quiet, introvert scared of human interaction.

Turns out you both just needed a nudge to find there was more in common there than you thought.

You both could be loud, stubborn, silly, and an absolute mess.

Could be quiet, modest, and hide yourselves away.

Both could be intense and emotional, but there for the other no matter what.

Jin was the yin to your yang. You could be whatever the other needed at any specific moment in time.

You both didn’t want to admit it to each other quite yet, but he was your best friend, the only person you wanted and needed, and vice versa.

You’d never experienced love before, didn’t know what it felt like or what to expect, but you believed in your heart it had to be something like this.

As you get up off the bed to put your shoes on and head back to your room, his hand wraps gently around your wrist. It’s late, the light of the moon seeping through his blinds, and he can’t help but admire the way it lights up your face as you turn to look at him.

“Stay?” He asks, and you don’t even have to answer.

Cuddling up to each other under the multitude of blankets covering his bed, you can’t help but truly feel at peace for the first time in your life, with your head laying on his chest, the steady thrum of his heartbeat echoing through your ears as you both fall asleep.

-

You stayed in bed all day. Didn’t answer your phone when it went off, didn’t answer the door when he knocked, just stayed wrapped in your blanket, eyes focused on the clouds beyond your window.

It was the third anniversary of the incident. You didn’t know what else to call it. Black clouds hung over you, and the feeling like everything you had built with Jin would crumble the same way cast them harsher overhead.

You hadn’t even told him about it yet, amazed he had never once pushed you to do so either. Jin was curious by nature, but he knew some things about your past were off limits, and he respected that.

That didn’t stop him from worrying about the distance lately. You are his best friend, and you spent a majority of your time together. So when that came to an abrupt halt the day before, he desperately wanted to find out why so he could help pull you out it.

He missed you, and he hated knowing something was wrong that he couldn’t fix.

You were just about to pull yourself up to make a cup of tea when a loud series of knocks came from your door. You figured it was probably Jin again, but when they got harsher and faster, you decide to check just in case.

The mug you cradled in your hands fell to the floor, a light crash sounding out as it cracked into pieces.

“Shit.”

You picked them up as quickly as possible, tossing them to the trash and returning to the door.

A cold rush bled through your veins, a violent churn brewing in your stomach as you opened the door.

You didn’t even have time to prepare yourself before she was in your face, visibly distressed.

Her brown hair the same as it had been that day she locked eyes with you as you were escorted from the station, watching an officer hold her as back as she tried to go after you.

You thought she’d given up on crucifying you, or at least tried to. You never expected after three years for her to show up in person, eyes blazing in search of vengeance.

“I heard you’ve lured some new victim into your trap, where is he? Or have you already strung him up like you did Jay?” She spit, venom lacing every syllable.

You didn’t have much of a choice, so you moved away from her assault, giving her full access to search your room.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Look, Lia, I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that I’m sorry.” You keep your voice soft as not to stir the pot, but it doesn’t help. She’s visibly enraged and nothing was going to change that.

She pauses her search to rush you, get in your face, causing you to retreat, but she holds you in place like a rag doll.

“I won’t ever accept your apology. You killed my brother you bitch,” her grip on your arms tighten, causing you to wince.

“If you think, even for a second, that his death wasn’t all because of you, then you’re fucking thick. If it wasn’t for you, he’d still be here!” She choked, tears streaming down her face.

Paralyzed. You felt nothing, not the warm tears on your cheeks, the grip of her hand on your arm, the sharp sting as the other made contact with your face. Even as she left and a new figure entered your line of vision, you stood there; empty.

“Hey, it’s okay, it’s okay.” Jin wants to reach out for you, but is scared it might make things worse. It’s when you collapse in his arms he lets the breath he’d been holding in out, wrapping his arms around you, cradling you tight as you cry.

He’d never seen another person talk to you, let alone assault you like that girl just had. He was still processing everything that happened, and couldn’t help but wonder how far it would’ve gone if he hadn’t shown up.

A few minutes later, he’s holding you cuddled up in a blanket on your bed as the crying subsides.

Jin wants to ask what the hell happened, who that girl was, and why you just stood there and let her hurt you? There was no way in hell you could’ve done anything to deserve that outburst.

He peeks down at your tear stained face, red and wet snuggled into his chest. His heart felt like it was being crushed inside of him. Seeing you in such a state physically hurt him.

He hears you sniffle and looks down to see you peering up at him through wet lashes.

“I have to tell you something.”

-

Out of every possible thing you could’ve told him, this was not even in the realm of things he could’ve expected.

He was still trying to grasp the whole ‘siren’ thing, which should’ve sent him running for the hills, but the way you explained what happened with the guy first year, then the incident with his sister a few hours earlier, he didn’t think he could just walk away.

His mind and heart were in a battle, one choosing sanity and the other choosing you. The way you refused to look him in the eyes as you spilled your darkest secrets cast a heavy sadness onto him. He not only felt the pain from your words, but the pain you were feeling.

He knew he should’ve ran to comfort you, hold you, tell you it’d be alright and that it wasn’t your fault.

But a dark thought kept him rooted to his seat across the room from you.

What if it was?

He didn’t want to think this way, to believe that you could be behind something so horrible, but with the revelation of your ‘affliction’ his mind couldn’t help but wonder there.

You said it left people feeling like there was no other way. Like they were forced to pine for you, to long for you, until they couldn’t take it any more.

He’d heard stories of creatures from the sea that lured men to their deaths. Now he was face to face with one, and he was torn between the you he knew and the you he read about.

The horrid thought that everything he felt for you was all a trick made him sick to his stomach, and he couldn’t bring himself to look at you.

The last thing he wanted to do was hurt you, but once that thought took hold, he couldn’t break free from it.

He needed air, space, time to think.

All of this meant walking away from you.

A part of you knew it from the way his face dropped as you snuck a peek from the corner of your eye. It didn't stop the sinking feeling that you once again ruined everything.

You didn’t even bother looking at him as he left, missing the horrible attempt at a fake smile as he went, slightly shaking.

As Jin closed the door behind him, you both let a few tears free fall, crying for everything you had built together as it all came crashing down.

You didn’t care about Lia, the incident, anything. You just wished you’d never come here, met Jin, and hurt him. He deserved better than a monster.

And a monster is all you’d be.

-

“I’m just happy you’re finally coming home sweetheart. Your dad and I miss you.” A pathetic little smile formed on your lips, holding the phone with your shoulder as you finished packing the last things into your suitcase.

“I miss you guys too. See you in a few hours.” You set your phone down and cross the room to grab the book you’d been reading and shove it in your bag.

Christmas break finally arrived to relieve you of the dragging of classes and stuffy dorm. It’d been a while since you’d found time to go home, but you realized this was something you needed.

To get away.

It’d been over a month, and you quickly fell back into your old habits. Class, room, nothing in between. You dropped Psych, avoiding Jin at all costs, although he’d figured he’d done his best to avoid you as well.

The warmth that had taken up space in your previously empty life had fled as quickly as it came. You didn’t talk to anyone, you didn’t sign to anyone, you took on extra classes to finish early. You wanted to be done. You wanted to go home.

Luckily, you had the opportunity to take all online classes your last semester, so you would not be returning to the dorms in the spring. That chapter of your life was over, and even though you were sad to see it go, you knew there was nothing holding you here anymore.

The hassle of it all just wasn’t worth it.

Grabbing the few things you had left, the rest of which you had sold since you wouldn’t need it anymore, you made your way out of the room, locking it for the last time. Before you turned to head down the hallway, you took one last look down the hall to a familiar door.

You figured he’d probably already left for the holiday, since most of the dorms had. Not that it mattered, you wouldn’t speak to him and he wouldn’t speak to you.

Strangers once again.

The once resentment you harbored towards him for cutting you off without explanation was filled with sympathy. You couldn’t expect him to understand and accept you after everything that had happened. You wanted him to live a normal happy life, fall in love with a normal girl that would be good for him.

You couldn’t give him that and you had to accept that. In the end, you were happy with the time you did have together. He’d always be your best friend, no matter how much time and distance separated you.

You both harbored no ill feelings towards each other, it was just something that had to be done, something that was inevitable in your opinion. People like you and people like him just weren’t meant to be.

Grabbing the handle of your suitcase, you make your way down to the lobby to return your key and head to the train station before your train left.

Stepping out of the elevator, you see a familiar figure standing at the front desk, back towards you.

You could tell that brown hair from anywhere though, and you slowed your pace to give him enough time to leave.

Instead, he turns in your direction, a bag in one hand, an envelope in the other.

Your eyes meet, and you have half a mind to just keep walking, you could mail them the key once you were home.

He quickly blocks your path, however, eyes not leaving yours.

It’s awkward and intense and neither of you know what to say, or whether you should say anything at all. After a minute, Jin clears his throat, extending the envelope out to you.

You stare at it, and look back up at him as he shakes it, inviting you to take it.

“I wanted to leave you this before I went home, but since we’re here...” You take it from him, but as you are about to open it, he steps closer and lays his hand over yours.

He stares down at you, his expression soft, like it had been months before when he held you in his arms at night. You had missed that, so, so much.

“I-I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry,” he starts, a red tinge finding solace at the tips of his ears.

“I shouldn’t have left you like I did. I was just, scared. I didn’t know what to think about everything and I thought maybe I was being affected,” he cringes at that, voicing his thoughts of you possibly ‘controlling’ him made him feel like a dumbass, “I know, it was stupid and not fair at all. I just...” he pauses his rant, waiting for any hint of a reaction from you, but you stay silent, waiting for him to finish saying whatever was on his mind.

He takes in a deep breath, “I thought that everything I felt for you might not have been real. I got scared it was all in my head and I didn’t know what to do. But, I realized that everything about me and you was the only sure and real thing in my life. I missed the way you roll your eyes at me when I make dumb jokes, the way your noise crinkles up when your trying to understand something, the way you laugh obnoxiously when I do something stupid,” His hand moves forward to grasp yours as he continues his rant.

“I miss listening to you try to convince me that Spider-Man is the most earnest Avenger even though we both know he’s not,” that earns a crack of a grin despite the tears forming in your eyes. “I miss holding you close at night and hearing our heartbeats mix together in the open air as we fall asleep.”

Jin cups your cheek in his other hand, thumb sliding to wipe away a fallen tear. You lean into his hand, reminiscing in the feeling of his skin on yours.

“I miss you.” He says, his face inching closer to yours, your breaths mixing together between the two of you. You don’t know what to say, but luckily he takes initiative and slowly closes the gap between you.

A warmth envelopes both of you, spreading from your lips and seeping into every fiber of your bodies. The feeling of his lips against yours steals the air from your lungs and heightens every one of your senses. His hands find purchase on the small of your back, your arms curling around his neck to dispel any space between you.

The tension that releases from you is replaced with what you can only describe as pure love.

As you pull apart, Jin rests his forehead against yours, placing another kiss to your lips as you giggle.

“I’m sorry it took so long for me to figure out. I love you.” His smile spreads to yours and you rub the tips of your noses together.

“I love you too,” he leans in for another kiss, but you stop him, a smirk on your lips, “even though you most definitely are a dumb-ass.” He laughs, breathily and pulls you tighter to him.

“I deserve that. I’m your dumb-ass, though.”

You part ways to head home for break with the promise of seeing each other in a few days to spend Christmas together.

When you settled onto the train, you pulled the forgotten envelope from your coat pocket, taking the letter out that resided inside.

As the train began its journey, you read every word of the letter with warmth in your heart.

In detail, was every single thing about you he had fallen in love with.

He’d fallen in love with you; all of you.

And he’d never walk away again.

You’d never be alone again.

The End.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey Guys,

   First story is officially out! Hope I did you all and Mr. Worldwide Handsome justice. This ended up being longer than I originally anticipated, but I think it needed it to really set everything up. Also, if there are any typos or grammatical errors, feel free to let me know, I’m human, I make mistakes. Kicking off 7 Days of Halloween with a cute little Jin-ie love story, what could be better? I hope you all enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! Stay Spooky! More to come!

P.S. Sorry it’s a bit late, Tumblr is on the fritz and wouldn’t let me post it.

-Moonie🌙

[thatonebirbnerd]

Firewood

Word count: 1481

Trigger warnings: Gender dysphoria, related self-harm (could be considered extreme), burns (to a nonhuman). Images of all three.

Sometimes, even the Pale Tree makes mistakes. For one volatile and distraught sylvari, the results proved catastrophic. 

I’ve been made aware during the beta read process that this story could be upsetting to people who have dealt with the emotions I try to capture in it. I drew on the experiences of some of my friends, and I apologize if it hits too close to home as a result.

Thank you to @resonatingfern​ for the inspiration to do this diary-style - I’ve been loving Nettle’s entries and decided to try a bit of that myself. It... got darker.

AO3 link

---

Day One

My name is… it doesn’t matter. For it is wrong, and I would lie to no one. I don’t know why, but I feel like… perhaps I should not be me. The mender taking care of me said I should start to write, using the skills I learned in the Dream to perhaps try to explain my feelings better. So here I am, writing in this little journal.

I feel this deep anger, and sadness. Perhaps… disgust. I can’t look at myself without having these emotions wash over me. Or perhaps that is an unfitting choice of words, because they burn within me instead. I didn’t feel these in the Dream. I don’t know why I must feel them now.

Day Two

I spent my day learning about the world around me from a mentor of my cycle. They say it is dangerous out there, but so long as I don’t stray beyond the nearby village of Astorea, I should be safe. 

That feeling of disgust is still tearing at me. I tried to harden myself to my reflection earlier, and I thought I saw flames creep across my palms. Writing hurts a little, from the burns. Maybe I’ll go talk to Mother, and seek her insight. For now, I must sleep.

Day Three

I did not sleep peacefully. I dreamt of an inferno roaring toward me; I woke up in tears and ran to a mender’s hut. Strangely enough, I am in a bit of pain all over. The mender said I’ve burnt myself in a few places. Was there some truth…? I don’t want to think about it. He also told me I wasn’t supposed to be having nightmares so soon, and that something must be wrong.

After I recovered from my exhaustion, I went to speak to our Blessed Source. 

---

“What brings you here so soon, sapling? Is something troubling you?”

“Yes. I don’t know what it is. I feel… wrong.”

“I felt your nightmare, and your hatred of your name. So soon… I’m sorry. But I also feel your fire. There is power within you. You may find what you seek by channeling it.”

“But… I sense something wrong with my body. I don’t know what it is, but maybe you understand how I feel.”

“I have seen saplings like this before, so deeply dissatisfied with their being. Some take action; others merely choose their own names and live their own lives. I only ask that you not do something reckless. You will find who you are in time.”

---

I can’t bear this for so long. Maybe I will try to learn to fight instead, and do something useful instead of despairing so much.

Day Seven

For the last few days, I’ve been training with an elementalist. Mother said I should try to channel my fire, and I’ve tried hard enough that it’s kept me too exhausted to write until now. Perhaps it’s kept the anger at bay, but it’s replaced that anger with the pain of the burns I’ve given myself. I’m only just starting to get used to it.

I’ve realized something new. Though my mentor knows to only refer to me as “sapling,” for lack of a name, every time she treats me as a woman like herself, that awful feeling comes back. I haven’t worked up the courage to tell her how I feel yet, or what the solution may be.

Day Eleven

Mother told me not to do anything reckless, but I fear I’ve already disobeyed her advice. Late last night, I wondered what might happen if I summoned just a little bit of fire, and used the lessons I’ve learned to scorch the parts of my body I don’t like. And thorns… it hurt. It took so much effort to not cry out. I could see sap weeping from my sides for a bit, but my mentor told me that fire could seal a wound, so… I did that. I guess it worked. 

My mentor noticed. I was so worried she’d be angry, but somehow she wasn’t. 

---

“Sapling, you burned yourself in the night… Another nightmare? Are you okay?”

“Well… I…”

“Oh. Oh, no.”

“What is it?”

“I… I think I know what happened, though this is the first time I’ve seen this in one of my students. You never told anyone your name. Some saplings come out nameless, but I think I’d know by now if you were one of these. You simply… didn’t like yours?”

“Yes. What does it mean, to have a name I hate?”

“It means Mother made… a little mistake, perhaps. It happens, maybe more often than it used to. Some learn to live with it; others choose a new name; still others choose to transition physically. I promise, it is not your fault.”

“A mistake…?”

“I’ve seen the way you look at yourself. I can’t imagine how it must feel. But please, for your sake, don’t do that again. Let yourself grow into who you were meant to be. Now, do you want me to refer to you as a man, or perhaps one in between for now?”

“I don’t know yet. But… not whatever I am now.”

---

Yet I still wonder: why do I have to wait?

Day Nineteen

I remind myself every day that I must keep going. I cannot remain the loathsome way I am - damn the pain.

I’ve… scorched burnt away ...worked on a little bit of myself at a time, night by night, mostly on my hips and whatever’s supposed to be on my chest. I think it’s working. I hope it’s working. It’s so much faster than growth, at least.

I’ve stopped seeing my mentor. I’ve learned what I need to.

Day Twenty-Two

Making progress. More burns. More frequent nightmares. I can’t let them get to me. I have to keep at it.

Day Twenty-Five

I’m so close. I can feel it.

Day Thirty-Four

(The handwriting in this entry is more deliberate, perhaps a bit spidery.)

I write this from a hospital bed.

Six days ago, I tried to finish transforming myself, finish ridding myself of all I hated. The angrier I became, the more the flames threatened the rest of me. Yet I persevered.

Then something snapped, and fire enveloped me. I remember a fleeting moment of ecstasy, and then only searing pain.

I realized too late what the nightmares were supposed to tell me, and what everyone had meant by “reckless.” For just a moment, I despaired. Then I collapsed, exhausted. I don’t remember anything after that.

The menders found me, they say, after following the smell of smoke. They recall that I was glowing like an ember, and that I’m lucky to be alive.

I drifted in and out of consciousness for a while. I remember barely being able to see or hear. When I finally awoke, two days ago, my hearing was still murky. Apparently my ears had scarred over. It was hard to hear my voice, but it seemed raspier.

That didn’t prepare me to survey the rest of the damage.

Many of the things I hated are gone, yes, but… so is so much more. I’m told it will take me weeks to recover, to shed my charred bark so that maybe I can heal. The bark peeled from one side of my face, leaving a tender patch around that eye. Most of my body is still bandaged, but the menders said - with gestures - that I could write today. For now, every part of me is either stinging and raw, or numb.

Day Seventy-One

I’ve been recovering for a long time. It’s been a slow, frustrating process, but most of me has healed enough that the menders finally cleared me to train and learn control over my magic. Some things, however… I’ll have to get used to them. They say I’ve been flaring up again, at night. I can’t hear much anymore. More scars.

I’ve been losing faith lately. The menders are good people, and they try their best, but I feel I can’t trust the Dream anymore. After all, it was Mother who made me this way, with the only true solution to wait and see, trapped in a body I hated. 

Day Ninety-Six

I’m finally well enough to leave. I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and I just don’t think I can stay in the Grove any longer. The Dream is simply suffocating. I managed to communicate in writing with someone at the Vigil posting in the Upper Commons, and they said they’d be able to take me in, though it may take a while before I’m able to see action.

I’ll leave this journal behind. Maybe someone else will find it, and learn from me. But to me, it’s merely a reminder of things I shouldn’t have done.

But the past is the past.

Signed, 

Áedh

[stereksecretsanta]

Merry Christmas, @serenelystrange!

I hope this is fluffy enough to make your Christmas a tiny bit merrier. 

Read on AO3

*****

I See Good Things in Your Future

"Madam Sabina," Stiles read as he touched the purple sequined cloth and feathers that hung around the entrance to the tent. All of the tables and tents at the fairgrounds were flashy and colorful, the stereotypical trappings of fortune tellers and soothsayers. But Madam Sabina's tent was larger than most, adorned in shiny purple, gold and green. "Five bucks says she's a Susie from the suburbs."

Derek grunted. "With a ridiculous fake accent."

"Guaranteed." He and Derek had spent the last hour wandering around the "Fair of Mysticism" to make sure that self-proclaimed psychic and problem-solver Tristan Voyles had cleared out. Tristan convinced people to pay him money for their "fortunes" then conned them out of more money to intervene on their behalf and prevent the horrible things he'd predicted from coming true. He'd told one of the clerks at the police department she’d be killed in a five-car pile-up, and managed to weasel a thousand dollars out of her to stop it by the time she'd stumbled, dazed, out of his tent.

The clerk hadn't realized she'd been duped until hours later. Stiles' dad mentioned it over dinner the night before, baffled that such a smart and sensible woman could be so naive as to throw her money away like that. Scott was working late, so Stiles and Derek had gone alone.

As soon as they'd walked into Tristan's tent, Stiles knew he wasn't human, not completely. He wasn't cheating people by simply being great at cold reading and running a scam. He had some supernatural help in persuading people to believe him. Supernatural help that apparently didn't work on werewolves.

Stiles chuckled, remembering the shock on Tristan's face when Derek had yanked him up by his shirt, flashed his eyes, and predicted that his life would be cut short in a violent and bloody way if he didn't leave town. Derek's gray Henley had stretched tight around his biceps and across his chest, and his black jeans had been as snug as the ones he wore today. Damn, he looks good when he's threatening people. Or when he's not. Always, pretty much.

"What's so funny?" Derek turned his back on the sparkly tent, and half turned it on Stiles.

Things had been awkward between them today, no doubt because of what happened after they'd left the fair last night. Stiles couldn't remember the last time they'd been so tense around each other, and he hated every second of it. "Just thinking about you putting the fear into Voyles."

"He seems to have left."

"Anybody in their right mind would leave after you threatened them."

Derek's mouth moved, almost as if he started to smile then remembered he shouldn't. "No point in hanging around here, then."

"Nope. Unless you want to get your fortune told."

Derek glared at him. "Surely you don’t believe in that."

Stiles laughed. "Didn't believe in werewolves once upon a time, either."

"Different."

"Is it? So werewolves and every other type of monster can exist, but a person can't get a flash of something that's going to happen?"

Derek sighed. "You think people gifted with psychic abilities would be traveling around telling fortunes at places like this, fifty bucks a pop?"

Stiles held his gaze longer than necessary, hoping to get a smile, or a smirk. A frown, even. Anything but the bland expression he'd worn since they'd arrived. It didn't work. "Fair point. I guess not."

"Not a fair point." A husky voice came from behind them--a woman's voice, with no accent to speak of. "I charge a hundred and fifty, and I'm worth it."

Madam Sabina stepped out of her tent and grinned at them. Her black hair hung in waves over her shoulders, and her tinted glasses gave her pale eyes a yellow cast. Her dress, more like a long-sleeved robe, matched the purple shiny fabric that decorated her tent.

Crap, did she hear me talking about werewolves?

"But for you two skeptics, just this once, on the house." She gestured toward the inside of her tent.

Derek turned to walk away. "No thank you. We're leaving."

"I insist. You've insulted me and my entire profession. The least you could do is let me dissuade you from that terribly negative assessment, for free. Besides, you got rid of that charlatan Voyles, so consider it a thank you gift as well. If you like my reading, tell your friends. If you still think I'm full of it, you can tell them all that Madam Sabina's a fraud. With my blessing."

Derek's jaw set, so they were probably in for a standoff. Stiles tapped Derek's arm with the back of his hand. "What's the harm?"

"Seriously?" Derek's eyebrows gathered together, but his eyes widened.

"If she's fake, like you said, then she can't possibly know things, right?" Even if she did know he was a werewolf, who would seriously believe it coming from a traveling psychic? Who would she tell?

Stiles didn't have any particular interest in getting his fortune told, but it would be more uncomfortable to walk away now than to go in and get it over with. And at least it’d mean more time with Derek. Maybe more of a chance for things to smooth out between them.

Stiles jerked his head toward the tent and raised his eyebrows. "Either you'll still be a skeptic when she's done, or you won't. Come on."

Stiles walked into the tent. A few seconds later, Derek followed.

The inside was as dramatic with purples, golds and greens as the outside, with what appeared to be a card table covered in black velvet in the center. The chairs, however, were your standard metal folding variety. He and Derek sat, and Madam Sabina stood on the other side.

"What'll it be, boys? Crystal ball, tarot cards, tea leaves, runes?"

"Shouldn't a psychic be able to work without props?" Derek spoke the sentence in a monotone which sounded calm and casual to most people, but Stiles read it as irritated as hell.

"Dear boy, they're not props, they're tools. Would you ask a police officer to leave his gun at home because it's a prop?" She sat and waved a hand toward Stiles. "Someone you love? Would you ask your . . . brother? No, father , a sheriff, to leave his badge, gun, handcuffs at home? Of course not."

She laced her fingers together on the tabletop and slowly grinned.

"I’ll bite. How did you know that?" Stiles asked.

"Come on, Stiles," Derek said. "She obviously overheard me say your name yesterday or today and did a little research. She knows we ran Voyles out. She's prepared."

Stiles felt foolish, but it still seemed improbable. "You never call me by my last name."

Derek shot him a dark look. "If she overheard your first, it would be a matter of time before she asked someone familiar with you. How many people called Stiles live in Beacon Hills?"

He had another excellent point. Madam Sabina continued to smile.

"Hands, please."

Stiles gave her his right and Derek, reluctantly, gave her his left. Their arms brushed, and the slight flinch from Derek reminded Stiles that things weren't okay between them. It'd pass, he hoped, but it would suck until then.

"Now, let me see." She turned their hands palm up and held them closely enough they touched.

Derek pulled his away. "Read Stiles' palm first, since he seems to be into this."

"I should read you together."

"One at a time is fine," he insisted.

"Your lives are intertwined, so what affects one, affects the other. More than you know," she added cryptically, but gave up trying to get Derek to give his hand back. "I sense a disturbance."

Stiles caught Derek's eyeroll, but hadn't needed to see it to know it would happen. Even Stiles cringed at such a clichéd line.

"What kind of disturbance?" Stiles asked in an effort to make up for Derek's attitude. "A disturbance . . . in the force?" His broad smile faded as neither Sabina nor Derek appreciated his joke.

"Between the two of you," she said. "Seems like--"

"We argue all the time," Derek said, his words clipped. "We needle each other. Always have. Doesn't mean anything's wrong."

Stiles stared at him, surprised how defensive he sounded.

"It's not an argument between you. It's something else." Sabina stroked a fingertip down Stiles' palm. He resisted the urge to pull it away. "Yesterday," she said with a nod. "You were alone together, and--"

"Okay." Derek stood. "Thanks for the entertainment, but we have things to do." He tapped Stiles' shoulder, but Stiles was fascinated that Sabina seemed to have picked up on the tension between them. It didn't make her psychic, maybe she'd noticed them yesterday and sensed something was different now, but he wanted to hear what she had to say. And it was free.

"Go on." Stiles waved a hand toward the front of the tent. "I'll be out in a minute."

Derek set his jaw and turned, but before he could take a step, Sabina grunted. "Why didn't you kiss him?"

Stiles' breath caught in his throat.

Derek froze. "What?"

"You wanted to. Had for a long time. And he wanted you to just as badly. So why didn't you?"

Stiles pulled his hand back and dropped it into his lap. "What--I--you--"

"I told you psychics were fake, Stiles." Derek still hadn't moved, and spoke without looking at either of them. "They poke around until they hit something that gets to you, and they rope you in."

Sabina laughed. "Oh my. If only I were so crafty."

"Do you . . . does that . . . get to you?" Stiles turned in his chair, because it was too hard to judge Derek's face out of the corner of his eye.

"It does." Sabina crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair. "And the awkwardness between you won't go away until he admits it."

Derek faced her and spoke while barely moving his lips. "Thanks for the free reading. Stiles, let's go."

"But that was only a dab of the past," Sabina said. "I'm more interested in predicting the future. And I predict--"

"Stiles," Derek said. An order not to be argued with. He left without a backward glance.

"Don't mind him, Stiles. I embarrassed him. And you. Sorry about that."

"Yeah. You did." Stiles was pretty sure Derek wasn't just embarrassed, but angry.

"You're going to sit there for a minute to show him he can't bark at you and expect you to jump, I'm guessing? And you're curious."

"Something like that." Stiles chuckled, more embarrassed that he wanted to hear her out than at what she’d said. "You're pretty good at this, after all."

"So people tell me." She leaned back in her chair and laced her fingers together. "Your future remains intertwined with his. In fact, you'll be even more important to each other than you are now."

"He . . . really almost kissed me? I thought that was what happened, but then I thought maybe I'd imagined it."

"You knew in your heart, deep down, that you didn’t imagine it. And now he knows that you know. You're welcome." She motioned toward the front. "You should go. He won't leave without you, even though you came separately, but the longer you're in here, the more anxious he gets."

"I--thank you? I think. It's been interesting."

"Tell all your friends."

Stiles stopped at the doorway. "You said you're all about predicting the future. So, is he going to--"

"No." Sabina shuffled Tarot cards and grinned at him. "Not if you kiss him first."

Stiles laughed, his face warming, and stared out of the tent for a few seconds to regain his composure.  Derek wasn't right outside, but after a few minutes of walking up and down the midway, Stiles spotted him. He stood at the edge of the grass and the gravel parking lot, arms crossed, the sourest, sour-wolfiest look on his face.

"You ready?" Derek said when Stiles was still twenty feet away.

"Yep." Stiles swallowed hard and walked straight past Derek toward where his Jeep was parked next to Derek's car. "Too bad it's not more like a county fair. I could go for a corn dog and a funnel cake right about now."

Ordinarily, they would have ridden there together. Last night, Derek had picked him up. After he'd threatened Tristan, with both of them in a good mood about how easy it had been to get rid of him, they'd picked up food and gone back to the loft. Stiles had eaten dinner already, but he got a piece of pie and some fries. He never turned down free food. Or Derek's company.

After they ate, they sat on the couch together, dozens of printed pages of Stiles' bestiary research spread across both their laps. The two of them alone, doing research, occasionally watching a movie while taking a break, had become commonplace over the last several months as Scott's job with Deaton took more of his time. Sometimes they spent hours hammering out the details about ancient creatures they would probably never encounter if they lived a hundred lifetimes.

Last night, they'd been debating whether not a venomous Yllsargin could actually reproduce with a human as some of the old text snippets claimed. Derek actually laughed at the gymnastics Stiles imagined might be necessary to make it happen, considering the creature's unusual anatomy. They kept reaching for the same piece of paper at the same time, their hands bumping, and when it happened for the fifth or sixth time, Stiles realized how tense Derek had become. Derek didn't sigh, but he inhaled sharply enough that Stiles said sorry and started to scoot away.

Derek grabbed his arm. "No. You're fine."

"I can tell you're annoyed. I'll take a stack over here, it's no problem."

"I'm not annoyed. That's not . . . I'm sorry."

Sorry wasn't something Derek said often, and the strange seriousness of it prompted Stiles to try to lighten the mood. "Then what is it? Something in here bothering you, big guy? Uncomfortable talking about Yllsargin sexual exploits or something?"

Derek should have smirked or snorted, or shoved Stiles away from him with a frown. But Derek had leaned closer, and was almost close enough that Stiles' eyes would have crossed if he'd tried to focus on his face.

"No," Derek said softly, still inching forward.

"Oh," Stiles breathed, a surge of adrenaline, a surge of something, rushing through him. Derek licked his lips. Stiles held his breath and leaned in.

Then Derek stopped, cleared his throat and leaned back. He picked up the papers in his lap and tapped them on the coffee table to straighten them. "It's nothing. Just thinking about Voyles, and how it's too bad we can't get the money back he cheated people out of."

As quickly as the excitement had hit Stiles, the disappointment rushed in to take its place. His face heated up with the private embarrassment of being so wrong about what was happening.

Derek got up and found a spot in the kitchen, quickly washing up the couple of forks they'd used, leaving Stiles to wonder if he was losing his mind. Their noses had almost brushed--surely it had started out as a kiss Derek didn't go through with for some reason. Or Stiles' wishful thinking had gotten completely out of hand.

Stiles stood next to him with so many things he could say running through his mind. Why did you stop ? at the top of the list. Why for the love of everything holy in this lifetime and the next did you stop?  

Instead, he said, "Need any help?"

"I got it."

"I can dry and put away." He stood close enough their shoulders brushed.

Derek glanced at the few forks in the drainer and then at Stiles, a half-smile on his face. “I don’t know. That’s a lot of work.”

Stiles lifted one shoulder and chuckled. For just a second everything seemed normal. Then Derek stepped away. "I'll give you a ride home."

Once they were in the car, Derek clicked the radio on. Not so loudly they couldn't talk over it, but enough to make it clear he didn't intend to discuss anything that happened. Maybe there really was nothing to discuss. Derek had zoned out thinking about one monster or another and hadn't realized he was leaning close, and snapped back when it dawned on him. No near-kiss at all.

Stiles had nearly convinced himself of that until Madam Sabina's reading.

Maybe it was all coincidence and she was a crank who liked to meddle in people's relationships. But something had been different today, and Stiles didn't want that to continue. Couldn't let it.

Instead of passing Derek's car to get to his Jeep, Stiles got between Derek and his driver's door to keep him from hopping in and disappearing. He put his hands on his hips, not knowing what he would say until he said it. When Derek stood in front of him, he couldn’t get a sound out. Why was this so hard?

"What, Stiles?" Derek asked and dropped his shoulders like not being able to get into his car was ruining his life.

"You didn't answer me earlier,” Stiles finally managed. “What she said, did it get to you? When she asked why you didn't--"

"I know what she said."

"Well? I've got nowhere to be, so I'm not moving until you answer me."

Derek tilted his head to the side. "I'm telling you, Stiles, you can't let yourself get sucked in by the Sabina's of this world."

It was Stiles' turn to get annoyed. "That's not an answer."

"You think it applied, so clearly she got to you."

Stiles swallowed hard, a second from leaping directly over the top of Derek's car with the sheer force of his embarrassment and zooming away. The only thing that kept him standing his ground was that he'd asked a yes or no question that Derek still hadn't answered. That, and how awful it would be if letting all this go meant that the tension between them would get worse.

Stiles crossed his arms. "She got to me a little. I'll admit it. And you still haven't answered my question. Let me rephrase." He took a deep breath, hoping the next minute didn't humiliate him badly enough to ruin everything. "Did you nearly kiss me last night, or not?"

With more confidence than Stiles felt, he added, "It's a pretty simple yes or no."

Derek looked to the side, like he might be searching for a face in the crowd of people milling between the tents. "Does it matter?"

A noise bubbled up out of Stiles, a cross between a laugh and a shout. He waved his hands as he talked. "First, that wasn't a yes or a no. Second . . . of course it matters!"

Derek faced him, and when their gazes locked, Stiles stepped forward. "Stop answering my questions with questions. Did you almost kiss me?"

"Yes."

Stiles hadn't expected a straight answer he didn't have to wrestle out of him. His muscles felt warm and loose as he stepped as close as possible. "So why’d you stop?"

"Your scent changed, and I worried I’d be pushing you into something you weren’t ready to do.”

Good god, could that be all it was? That Derek worried he’d be taking a choice away from him? "I was nervous!"

Derek pursed his lips, then exhaled slowly. "I know you were. Maybe because you didn't really want me to. You used to be afraid of me.”

“No I wasn’t.”

Derek smirked.

“Okay, I was, a little. But that was years ago. I’m not afraid of you now."

“I know, but I worried there might be a lingering sense of it. Enough that you’d let me kiss you even if you didn’t want me to.” Derek frowned and pressed his lips together, the corners of his mouth pulled down.

“Derek, I argue with you every chance I get. I contradict you all the time. You were going to put anchovies on our pizza a few weeks ago, for God’s sake. I didn’t sit back and let you do that, did I?”

“We weren’t alone. Sitting that close.” Derek’s looked into Stiles’ eyes. “It’s different.”

Stiles' heart ached a little at the certainty in Derek's eyes and how careful he'd been, how concerned. As Sabina's last words to him ran through his mind, he put his hands near Derek's hips, gripping his shirt, moving slowly enough to give Derek time to stop him if he wanted to and hoping the trembling inside him didn't show. “You’re right. It is.”

He brushed their lips together, catching Derek's bottom lip between his in a move that felt as natural as breathing.

Derek's body relaxed against him. A warm hand cupped his face, so he slid his arms around Derek’s waist.  "I was ready," he said, still brushing Derek's lips. “I do want you to kiss me.”

"I see that now."

"I really wanted you to last night."

"I’m getting that, Stiles."

"I was nervous because I'd wanted that for a long time, and I haven't exactly racked up hours of kissing experience."

"I can change that, if you'd stop talking." Derek kissed him this time, their mouths slightly open, lips dragging together. He pulled Stiles tight against him with an arm around his waist.

A husky shout carried to them from the direction they'd come. "Be sure and tell your friends I'm the real deal!" Madam Sabina waved both hands at them, turned and disappeared into the crowd. Her laugh seemed to continue on. They looked at each other, eyebrows raised, then Derek walked Stiles carefully around his car, kissing him the entire way, until Stiles’ back bumped against the door of his Jeep.

Derek's tongue slicked Stiles lips, then slipped between them. Stiles twisted his fingers in the back of Derek's shirt.

"Let's go," Derek breathed. "We should probably do some more research."

"Yeah. Research. Monsters and . . . stuff." He stole one more kiss, then got into the Jeep.

As Derek walked to the driver's side of his car, Stiles rolled down his window. "So you have to admit, Sabina, maybe just a little psychic? I see how she could have found out my dad was the sheriff, but unless she's got a second career spying in loft windows, there's no way she could have known. Right?"

"Could have been a lucky guess." Derek shrugged one shoulder. He laughed when Stiles' mouth dropped open, then his expression went soft in a way Stiles rarely got to see. "Lucky for me,” Derek said.

Warmth spread across Stiles' chest, down his stomach, as Derek stared into his eyes. He didn't want the moment to end or to ever forget the weight of it, the way it made him aware of his skin and the blood pumping through his veins and god, his heart.

"Lucky for us," Stiles said, his voice rough.

Derek's expression shifted again, still soft, affectionate, but more intense. "Yeah. Lucky for us." After a few seconds, he said, "Follow me to the loft?"

"That's the plan. Though the way I feel right now, I might pass you and break some speed limit laws to get there."

"You probably shouldn't do that. I don't think your dad would like it."

"Okay, but don't drive like a grandma." Stiles laughed at the smirk he got for that. "What? Ever since you got rid of the Camaro, sometimes you drive scary slow. People pass you and expect to see a little old lady barely tall enough to see through the steering wheel."

Derek dropped into the seat and backed out. Stiles followed, barely able to contain himself. He and Derek had kissed. Stiles’ attraction, his feelings, hadn’t been one-sided. He laughed to himself and smiled at nothing, and probably looked like a maniac to anyone who noticed this person alone in his Jeep, giddy.

He’d only been drunk a couple of times when he and Scott had felt rebellious and dipped into his dad’s stash. His head had felt full of air, lighter than the rest of him, his mind floaty and certain that everything was going to work out no matter what.

This buzz beat the hell out of that.

Derek drove slowly enough, staring into the rearview mirror, that the speedometer barely registered that the Jeep was moving.

We argue all the time, Derek had said to Sabina. We needle each other. Always have. Doesn't mean anything's wrong.

Stiles deliberately and slowly said the word grandma to make sure Derek could see it, his pulse kicking up a notch when Derek laughed and actually got them close to the speed limit. He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel, a lightness inside him now that things between them were back to easy. This new layer of their relationship felt like something Stiles had been waiting for, something expected and natural. It felt right.

And once they reached the loft and Stiles could kiss him again, things would be even better than that.

[chaos-of-the-abyss]

How can you like daenerys

Quite a lot of reasons, actually. For the sake of my time, I’ll limit my answer to ten of them.

1. She tolerates disrespect in her own court.

“We are all dead, then. You gave us death, not freedom.” Ghael leapt to his feet and spat into her face. 

Strong Belwas seized him by the shoulder and slammed him down onto the marble so hard that Dany heard Ghae’s teeth crack. The Shavepate would have done worse, but she stopped him.

“Enough,” she said, dabbing at her cheek with the end of her tokar. “No one has ever died from spittle. Take him away.”

How many leaders and rulers in ASOIAF would have tolerated being spat on in their own court? Not many, I’m sure. 

2. She’s witty.

“Little girl, another woman once tried to geld me with her teeth. She has no teeth now, but my sword is as long and thick as ever. Shall I take it out and show you?”

“No need. After my eunuchs cut it off, I can examine it at my leisure.”

3. She’s a creative and resourceful ruler, despite having never received any sort of training, unlike the majority of other leaders.

“Not a hole. A ditch, to bring water from the river to the fields. We mean to plant beans. The beanfields must have water.”

Ser Barristan remained. “Our stores are ample for the moment,” he reminded her, “and Your Grace has planted beans and grapes and wheat. Your Dothraki have harried the slavers from the hills and struck the shackles from their slaves. They are planting too, and will be bringing their crops to Meereen to market. And you will have the friendship of Lhazar.”

4. One of, if not the most, compassionate ruler in ASOIAF who is determined to take care of her people, despite what her advisors might say.

“Ser Jorah, you say we have no food left. If I march west, how can I feed my freedmen?”

“You can’t. I am sorry, Khaleesi. They must feed themselves or starve. Many and more will die along the march, yes. That will be hard, but there is no way to save them. We need to put this scorched earth well behind us.”

Dany had left a trail of corpses behind her when she crossed the red waste. It was a sight she never meant to see again. “No,” she said. “I will not march my people off to die.” My children. 

It was time, though. A girl might spend her life at play, but she was a woman grown, a queen, a wife, a mother to thousands. Her children had need of her.

Daenerys considers the people under her rule her children. That says enough about her compassion for others.

5. She’s pragmatic and a great military strategist, again despite having no formal training in these matters.

“Ser Jorah Mormont scowled. “You told the sellswords-”

“-that I wanted their answers on the morrow. I made no promises about tonight. The Stormcrows will be arguing about my offer. The Second Sons will be drunk on the wine I gave Mero. And the Yunkai’i believe they have three days. We will take them under cover of this darkness.”

“They will have scouts watching for us.”

“And in the dark, they will see hundreds of campfires burning,” said Dany. “If they see anything at all.”

“Khaleesi,” said Jhogo, “I will deal with these scouts. They are no riders, only slavers on horses.”

“Just so,” she agreed. “I think we should attack from three sides. Grey Worm, your Unsullied shall strike at them from right and left, while my kos lead my horse in wedge for a thrust through their center. Slave soldiers will never stand before mounted Dothraki.” She smiled. “To be sure, I am only a young girl and know little of war. What do you think, my lords?”

The following is describing Daenerys’ conquest of Meereen. Meereen’s walls have no weak points, the Harpies heads can squirt hot oil, and all the trees were burned by the slavers to prevent Daenerys from being able to build weapons. Daenerys doesn’t want to order the Unsullied to assault the wall directly because it would lead to pointless loss of their lives (courtesy of the boiling oil from the Harpies heads). So instead:

“Aegon the Conqueror had won Westeros with three dragons, but she had taken Meereen with sewer rats and a wooden cock, in less than a day. Poor Groleo. He still grieved for his ship, she knew. If a war galley could ram another ship, why not a gate? That had been her thought when she commanded the captains to drive their ships ashore. Their masts had become her battering rams, and swarms of freedmen had torn their hulls apart to build mantlets, turtles, catapults, and ladders. The sellswords had given each ram a bawdy name, and it had been the mainmast of Meraxes-formerly Joso’s Prank-that had broken the eastern gate."

6. She's willing to and makes an effort to learn, and learn she does.

Dany reined in her mare and looked across the fields, to where the Yunkish host lay athwart her path. Whitebeard had been teaching her how best to count the numbers of a foe. “Five thousand,” she said after a moment.

“A queen must listen to all,” she reminded him. “The highorn, and the low, the strong and the weak, the noble and the venal. One voice may speak you false, but in many there is always truth to be found.” She had read that in a book.

7. She’s brave. Anyone who has the balls to face a dragon with only a whip is far more courageous than a considerable number of characters. And before anyone says,“the dragons wouldn’t hurt her no matter how angry they get, she’s their mother,” yes they would. Drogon tried to kill her.

His head turned. Smoke rose between his teeth. His blood was smoking too, where it dripped upon the ground. He beat his wings again, sending up a choing storm of scarlet sand. Dany stumbled into the hot red cloud, coughing. He snapped.

“No” was all that she had time to say. No, not me, don’t you know me? The black teeth closed inches from her face. He meant to tear my head off. The sand was in her eyes. She stumbled over the pitmaster’s corpse and fell on her backside.

8. Her idea of what it means to rule is extremely idealistic, even after all the exploitation she’s suffered. By intentions alone Daenerys is already a far better candidate as ruler than most other leaders in the books.

“I was alone for a long time, Jorah. All alone but for my brother. I was such a small scared thing. Viserys should have protected me, but instead he hurt me and scared me worse. He shouldn’t have done that. He wasn’t just my brother, he was my king. Why do the gods make kings and queens, if not to protect the ones who can’t protect themselves?”

“Some kings make themselves, Robert did.”

“He was no true king,” Dany said scornfully. “He did no justice. Justice... that’s what kings are for.”

She would rather have drifted in the fragrant pool all day, eating iced fruit off silver trays and dreaming of a house with a red door, but a queen belongs to her people, not to herself.

She believes it’s her duty as a queen to protect her people and bring justice. In Dany’s eyes, a queen must put her people first, herself second. You’d think someone who suffered under the hand of her cruel and abusive older brother, who she also considers her king, and then exploited and sold like an animal by him to a barbarian tribe, would make a thirteen-year-old girl quite jaded about rulers. But Daenerys still wholeheartedly believes that rulers should be selfless, protect their people, and bring justice, though the people who had power over her in the past did none of those things for her.

9. She’s intensely self-critical.

That morning she summoned her captains and commanders to the garden, rather than descending to the audience chamber. “Aegon the Conqueror brought fire and blood to Westeros, but afterward he gave them peace, prosperity, and justice. But all I have brought to Slaver’s Bay is death and ruin. I have been more khal than queen, smashing and plundering, then moving on.”

“You have brought freedom as well,” Missandei pointed out.

“Freedom to starve?” asked Dany sharply. “Freedom to die? Am I a dragon, or a harpy?” Am I mad? Do I have the taint?

“A dragon,” Ser Barristan said with certainty. “Meereen is not Westeros, Your Grace.”

“But how can I rule seven kingdoms if I cannot rule a single city?” He had no answer to that. Dany turned away from them, to gaze out over the city once again. “My children need time to heal and learn. My dragons need time to grow and test their wings. And I need the same. I will not let this city go the way of Astapor. I will not let the harpy of Yunkai chain up those I’ve freed all over again.” She turned back to look at their faces. I will not march.”

What sort of mother lets her children rot in darkness?

If I look back, I am doomed. Dany told herself... but how could she not look back? I should have seen it coming. Was I so blind, or did I close my eyes willfully, so I would not have to see the price of power?

Mother of dragons, Daenerys thought. Mother of monsters. What have I unleashed upon the world? A queen I am, but my throne is made of burned bones, and it rests on quicksand. Without dragons, how could she hope to hold Meereen, much less win back Westeros? I am the blood of the dragon, she thought. If they are monsters, so am I.

There is blood on my hands too, and on my heart, We are not so different, Daario and I. We are both monsters.

Bless me, Dany thought bitterly. Your city is gone to ash and bone, your people are dying all around you. I have no shelter for you, no medicine, no hope. Only stale bread and wormy meat, hard cheese, a little milk. Bless me, bless me.

Now we must keep in mind that Daenerys’ chapters are told from her POV. They are not objective by any means. The fact that she’s so self-critical in these quotes (and more) does not mean she can never be a good ruler. It’s a human thing to magnify your failures and judge yourself much more harshly than the others around you, and this is well-communicated on Dany’s POV. 

Daenerys was trying to change a system that has been in place and served as the economic foundation of Slaver’s Bay for countless years. It’s an extremely radical - even revolutionary - change. There’s not a single character that would have been able to work that situation out smoothly and without bloodshed. Yet Daenerys never takes this into consideration, she simply blames herself.

The fact that she’s so self-deprecating reveals a lot about Daenerys. For one thing, she clearly doesn’t attempt to mentally shift the blame off of herself when things go awry. This means that she’s self-aware and willing to take responsibility for her actions. Being self-critical is also something I can very much relate to, so I empathize with Daenerys here.

10. She freed slaves.

I can already hear the storm of antis crowing that she did an awful job, which is ridiculous and I dare them to do any better. When such a revolutionary change is brought about, there is simply no way it’s going to go smoothly. Like I said before, there isn’t one character in ASOIAF who would have flawlessly handled the situation Dany was in.

The “white savior” argument is also something I find odd, because slavery in ASOIAF is not race-based. Among the slaves Daenerys liberated, there were Lyseni, who are blonde-haired and blue-eyed.

I love the fact that Daenerys, despite being a queen, empathizes with the lowborn. She’s experienced the same things they have - mistreatment, fear, exploitation, to name a few - in a time that she had no say about what happened to her, like them. When she does gain power, she does her best to use it primarily to help others. 

“I will not let the harpy of Yunkai chain up those I’ve freed all over again.” She turned back to look at their faces. “I will not march.”

“Enough.” Dany slapped the table. “No one will be left to die. You are all my people.” Her dreams of home and love had blinded her. “I will not abandon Meereen to the fate of Astapor. It grieves me to say so, but Westeros must wait.”

[aragaki]

Anwar finally has a pretty profile, complete with stunning sprites that I commissioned and actually cried upon receiving!!

WIP Info of my boy under the cut!!

Sprite by maniinne

Grimoire Template by @savenkey

“If you’ve got a heart of gold, don’t tell the world – it wants to steal it.”

Physical traits:

He stands 5'9, with a fit build of a dancer. His hair is a deep red, always in a tangle, a part of which he ties back into a high ponytail in the back, the rest falls over his shoulders. He has his right ear pieced, which he did himself. On his left cheek, he has a gruesome looking scar of flesh ripped away near his mouth and exposing his teeth. He wears a sheer veil to obscure it, but not hide it entirely. A headpiece of golden medallions goes around the entirety of his head, meeting under his ponytail. His clothes are made up of a crop top jacket, a black modesty bandage cover his chest and pair of dancing pants slit in diamond shapes at the sides and no shoes, several gold rings decorating his toes.

Personality:

Anwar is a worry for all those around him, he acts like a puppy, innocently going along with everything around him. People often mistake him for being simple, but under his trusting nature is a sharp-minded young man. His voice is noted to drop the bubbly tone he’s known for and take a deeper, more intimidating note when he’s angry. He does his best to be kind to those around him, but he has a selfish streak, he’s not one to be taken advantage of easily. He’s also incredibly hard on himself, he wants to catch up to Asra and often forces himself past his limit, even if it gets him hurt.

He’s mischievous, often doing things when he’s been told not to and snoop around in places he’s not supposed to. He will listen if he’s told to seriously cut it out, but he’s curious by nature and wants to replace his missing memories with as many new ones he can cram into his head. Anwar is known for his excitable nature and is always bouncing off of the walls who feeds off the mood around him and can be calmed down just as easily.

Hobbies:

Dancing, mainly. Others, map making, painting, sewing. Anything that can keep his hands busy, but also keep him still.

Background:

Pre-plague:

Anwar was born in Vesuvia, originally named Felix by his parents, a seamstress and a fisherman with the wish he would grow up beautiful. At the time he was born, Vesuvia was struggling with their current Count on his death bed and poverty was on the rise in the lower income areas of Vesuvia. His parents, knowing they wouldn’t be able to feed another mouth while they were struggling to eat themselves, gave up the young Felix to an orphanage, where he spent his earliest years raised by the other children and the matrons. Felix was often the subject of bullying, for his wild, thick red hair and looking so different than the other children. But the thing that was always twisted against him was his name, the only thing he had from the parents he never knew. Even people who came to the orphanage and met with him were scared away by his boundless energy and boisterous personality. Even if everyone around him kept shunning him, he always found comfort with the matrons. One of the oldest women running the orphanage taught him to direct his endless energy to dance, and he took to it like a moth to a flame. Some days he would take his dancing to the square of Vesuvia and dance for everyone to watch, his mane of red hair that he as teased for made him easy to spot and his dancing attracted crowds, he even caught the attention of a couple, who followed him back to the orphanage, and stepped up to adopt him the same day. The feeling wasn’t mutual, Felix ignored them as they called his name, until the elderly matron explained to his family that he refused to answer anyone if they called to him by name. The young couple decided that instead, they’d call out to him with a different name, one with no painful memories attached to it. By the time the sun had set, Felix was gone, and in his place, a child named Anwar was left, happier than he had ever been and he left with his mothers. Anwar gave his savings to his mothers and danced to earn more, so he could help his mothers achieve their dream of running a magic shop as a family. It took years, and Anwar was taught magic himself during those years, despite his issues with staying focused and his lack of control of his spells, his mothers were dedicated in their teachings and by the time he was a teenager, he and his family finally realized their dream of their own little shop, where they could show off their wonders to the world. After all the blessed luck they had as a family when tragedy struck, it hit them hard. One of his mothers became very sick suddenly, and none of the magic or doctors could heal her. His mother had succumbed to a sickness, unlike anything Vesuvia had ever seen before, a few days after their new count’s birthday. With one of the strongest magicians gone, debt began to pile up on the little family run shop, and Anwar, for all his efforts in running the shop with his mother and dancing beautifully for the people, they couldn’t make ends meet by themselves. He was left alone when word came that his mother had thrown herself into the water with one of the palace’s pet vampire eels. All alone, he expanded what the shop offered from watching miracles to selling magical items and even stepping into fortune telling, something Anwar was unnaturally gifted with, even at the beginning of his training. He can’t run a business by himself though, but he has been spotting a puff of white hair and a mountain of a man at times, with magic coming off of them in waves. Perhaps they might be able to help with his predicament…

Post Resurrection:

After being resurrected by Asra, Anwar had a difficult time relearning the things he had lost. Years were spent with Asra learning and relearning the same basics of magic that in the past seemed to flow to him so naturally. But despite this, and his general impairments and difficulty speaking, he was eager to get out and rejoin the world. Asra however, managed to hold Anwar back from going outside without him, and up until Asra began to leave, they worked well to get Anwar back to his former self. Though for the most part, Anwar was content to look forward to making new memories and finding a new path than to try and regain his lost memories. However, when Asra began to leave the shop to avoid harming Anwar by telling him the truth of what happened to him, Anwar became temperamental and angry with Asra, leading to a lot of conflicts. Most of it was one-sided arguments with Anwar shouting at Asra, enraged by him leaving him behind and not telling him why feeling like Asra was patronizing him or treating him like an idiot since he wouldn't explain himself. And Asra's resignation and refusal to fight back only infuriated and confused Anwar more. He couldn't comprehend that it was for his own good and while he shouted at Asra, he felt it was his fault for not being good enough for his master to take him along. During Asra's travels, Anwar would often just sit with his back against the door, waiting for his dearest friend to come back, rarely moving to even eat. It was during one such absence that he grew fed up with only being able to study the most basics of basics when it came to magic, or being told not to do it at all and simply stick to selling goods or doing card readings while Asra was away. Taking one of Asra's personal tomes, far more advanced than anything Anwar had attempted before, he attempted to cast a few spells alone in the shop. One spell went awry and tore open his cheek and due to his limited control over magic, he wasn't able to heal it. His healing caused it to scar, but not repair the damage done and by the time Asra returned, the damage to his face was already permanent. Even though he blundered so horribly, and even after Asra's despair over being unable to protect him again, when his master continued to leave he continued to study privately and as a hobby, began to dance again, though he was unsure as to why he felt so compelled to dance in Vesuvia's square. But after the plague, he was happy to try and bring smiles to the residents of the city he loved so much in any form he could.