#arguably worse than hearing people have sex

[smileymoth]

Oh god this just makes me realisr theyve all heard me scream along to bmth

[themothwhisperer]

Embrace the changes is my advice. A game and a tv show simply aren’t the same. They are not made the same and they do not offer the same advantages.

I feel kinda sad for the people out there that played and loved the game, but hate on the narrative changes they made for the show. Change was inevitable. Otherwise, why doing it? Making a carbon copy of something isn’t that valuable in my opinion.

That’s one of the main reasons why season 2 can arguably turn out to be better than season 1. Because what will come next is unexpected. It comes with a sense of surprise and mystery.

And that’s especially true when it comes to Ellie and Dina.

With episode 4, the reaction seems to be quite divided and it’s honestly super fair, but it’s fundamental to understand how this relationship did a 180 for the televised version. The game was stability, consistency and maturity. The show is all about playfulness, confusion and tension.

The most common comment I see is about the sex scene. I’m sorry, but to have them getting intimate was necessary, especially for the fans of the game. Taking it out would’ve been wrong in many ways. And when you think about it, this was the only good timing for it. The weed scene simply couldn’t happen in the show because the pace of their relationship is drastically different here.

At this point in time in the game, they are official and comfortable. They are getting into this journey as a couple and it’s crystal clear. And because of this closeness they already have with each other, it was hinted that Ellie was immune. She reveals that information very early on. Even if Dina didn’t believe her, there is a little unconscious connection that clicked in her brain. It won’t be as shocking when she will be confronted to it.

In the show, however, they are tiptoeing around each other. Ellie has feelings for Dina and Dina knows about it, but she’s scared to dive in. She feels the same way, but her sexuality is still a bit of a challenge. She’s been told by her mother this wasn’t right. It’s a mess, basically. And if we compare the timelines, it becomes very obvious that the game and the show are not evolving at the same speed when it comes to this.

So here’s the thing tying back to the immunity question: When Ellie takes a bite to save Dina’s life (which is, by the way, such an exciting and romantic change), Dina’s world is crumbling down. The possibility of them being together dies instantly. She feels guilty because she didn’t speak up earlier. Now it’s ruined. She’s desperate and terrified and heartbroken. I’ve read many things about the lack of communication into this scene, but dialogue is not always key to boost the narrative. Actually, it pretty often does the opposite. Dina doesn’t ask questions because she cannot deal with what might be said, by herself and Ellie alike. It will make it so much worse when she actually has to pull the trigger. She can’t stand the idea of having Ellie voicing she’s in love with her. She can’t allow herself to let it all out either, probably thinking it would be unfair to Ellie. So she stays silent. She’s just crying and waiting for the worst to come. And the biggest difference with the game is how there is no prior connection in Dina’s mind to have a glimpse of hope. She absolutely cannot believe in the immunity claim. There is no way. That’s why she’s not asking about it or trying to hear Ellie out. Once again, it would only make it worse.

Release comes, however, in all the ways possible. Ellie suddenly wakes up, water dripping down on her and a few hours actually went by. She’s fine. And Dina staying silent is motivated by the fact that she’s in absolute shock. To her, there was only one way out of this. She was most likely already grieving Ellie. But now it’s different. Ellie is actually okay, the bite didn’t evolve and she’s evidently feeling well. Once again, she’s speechless, shaken to the core. What can we expect? She just walks very slowly towards her, taking it all in. The anxiety, the fear, it’s all washed away. What’s left is her overwhelming feelings for her. There is nothing that can get in her way now. She’s learned her lesson. And the only words she can actually verbalize is the fact that she’s pregnant. It’s the only thing she’s hiding from Ellie. And before surrendering to her emotions, she just says it.

Here again, I’ve seen things about the pregnancy announcement and my question is: How else would you want it? A pregnancy announcement is a pregnancy announcement. In the game, it actually broke my heart. How Dina is invalidated by Ellie like this. Ellie who’s completely blinded by her rage. I’m not saying a softer Ellie is necessarily better for the storyline, but I did enjoy that pure moment of innocence in the show. She’s taken aback, but she’s not judging. They’re 19 after all. They don’t know what it means and how they will deal with it, but they want to figure it out together.

So yeah, the sex scene makes so much sense. Dina is ready for them to be together, she perceives only love in Ellie’s reaction and she wants that closeness with her. She won’t waste another second. Having this scene happen later on would’ve been so odd. Ellie will soon torture an already dying Nora, she will be next level traumatized. Dina will most likely get sicker from her pregnancy. This was the perfect moment, considering the rhythm of this version.

Finally, if we want more Dina, that was the only way to go about it. They need to be extra close for it to make sense. Many people were disappointed (myself included) by the fact that Dina is sort of forgotten after Seattle Day One in the game. They fixed it. Let’s appreciate it.

(Can we also acknowledge the breathtaking performance Bella Ramsey and Isabela Merced delivered?)

[plaidos]

hello! i saw in your pinned that you and your partner are looking to move to the states due to the transphobia in the uk and was curious if this last week has maybe impacted that and what you think is best for staying safe in the coming years?im non binary and doing the opposite - im moving from the states to the uk and its like. cool cool rising transphobia everywhere feels good feels comforting (/s) and obviously it is even worse for trans women! anyways maybe the answer is uhhh none of my business which is totally cool but i just wanted to hear your thoughts bc im kinda like oh this whole world is getting increasingly hostile and its hard to stay positive!

even with the new transphobic legislation under the trump administration, new york city is safer than the UK for trans women. period. also my partner already lives in the states, so the only reconsidering would be whether i go there or she comes here or we both go somewhere else (which is a lot less feasible).

i need you to understand that in the US right now courts are blocking attempts for Trump to move trans women into men’s prisons. in the UK, there is no question about it — trans women just go to men’s prison. this is just one example. here’s another: not disclosing you’re trans in the UK before you have sex with somebody can be legally considered rape by deception. which obviously is going to affect even people who do disclose.

from where i’m sitting there is absolutely no question about it. in the UK the so-called leftwing party is arguably even more transphobic than the right wing parties — I’d argue much more, even, considering that they’re rolling back trans legislation that the Conservatives put in place

i promise promise promise you things can be worse than outside your door. whilst “terf island” may be a nasty, unhelpful & cruel joke to the trans women living here, the situation it’s referencing is 100% true. in every practically university in the UK there are open terfs working and teaching there. just anecdotally, I was sexually harassed on the bus by a terf, my last cisgender ex-girlfriend introduced me to a terf she was friends with at her birthday party (and she somehow didn’t even twig her as a terf until I pointed it out).

like from context and the way you’ve phrased things i’m assuming you’re TME, so if the UK truly seems safer to you i say go ahead, everybody’s circumstances are their own. but if you want HRT or top surgery in the foreseeable future, expect to be on a waiting list for years if not a decade. also the trans scene here is utter shite. but again no offence if youre not a transfem you probably wouldn’t even notice (it’s fine if not thriving for nb folks cafab ime) so, grain of salt

[hyperfixatedbastard]

one must grab the titty

Soft!Adam x AFAB!Reader

It's no surprise that Adam's big on physical touch, but you expected it to be - well, sexual. Turns out that this clingy, hypersexual douchebag actually likes innocent, nonsexual intimacy. Like holding your boobs just 'cause they're nice to hold.

Word Count: 926

WARNINGS: SFW (I think?), AFAB!Reader with gender neutral pronouns, mentions of sex, no sexual content, nonsexual intimacy

A/N: I kinda hate this but I'm tired of working on it, so here ya go! Apologies if you have no tits, but let's be honest, that wouldn't stop this bastard.

Dividers

Adam has some… odd habits, at least by Heavenly standards. Sometimes you wonder just how exactly he’s an angel, but you’ve learned to not question it. He may be a douchebag and an asshole, but he has his moments. He’s sweet with you, at least. You never expected him to be a doting, clingy boyfriend, but he certainly proved you wrong.

No matter where you are or what you’re doing, he’ll have an arm around your waist, or one of his wings loosely wrapped around you. Adam is a possessive guy (after hearing about the whole Lucifer debacle, you can’t really blame him), and he makes it clear with the way he interacts with you in public. And in private, he’s arguably worse—you’re lucky to sit down without him draping an arm over your shoulders to pull you in close, or practically pulling you into his lap. He’d never admit it, but you think he needs the reassurance that you’re still there, that you haven’t left him.

You’re not so sure about that theory once the touches go past cuddling.

⋆⋅☆⋅⋆

"Adam," you begin in a suspicious tone. "What are you doing?"

The angel in question blinks back at you owlishly. His mask and robes have been traded out for some sweatpants and a t-shirt that reads ‘I Got ADHD’ with the subtitle ‘A Damn Hard Dick.’ The two of you are cuddling on the couch in your shared apartment, with some shitty action movie playing on the TV as you sit wrapped up in his arms and wings with your back to his chest (you didn’t think that action movies would be allowed in Heaven considering the murder and whatnot, but once again, you don’t question it).

"Hm?" he hums innocently. "I'm watching the fuckin' movie, babe."

You glance down to where his hand is shamelessly groping your boob over your shirt. You debate whether or not to even confront him about it, considering he isn't actually doing anything other than just holding your tit, but you ask anyways.

"Why is your hand on my boob, then?" you prompt, your eyes shifting between his face and where his hand is idly groping your chest.

Adam chuckles and breaks out into a smug grin. "What? Can't a guy hold his partner's tits?" He gently squeezes your boob for emphasis.

Your face heats up at that, and your eyes narrow in confusion. "Why do you want to?" 

"Uh, because they're fucking great," he answers incredulously, like you're the weird one here. He then brings his free hand up to hold your other boob. He gives them both a gentle squeeze, but doesn't do anything more than that. The lack of a sexual innuendo, joke, or proposition doesn’t make sense to you—it feels out of character for Adam, even after learning about his love of cuddling.

You just look at him, confused. Sure, you've always known that he's a boob guy, but this doesn't strike you as Adam's usual horny antics. But if it’s not sexual (which you still find hard to believe), what the fuck is it? 

He seems to realize that his original explanation isn’t good enough. "Look, hot stuff, boobs are just nice to fuckin' hold, y'know? All soft n' squishy n' shit."

You raise a brow at that. It’s a fair point, you suppose. "So, what, my tits are like stress balls for you?"

Adam laughs—not that loud, boisterous laugh he does when pranking some poor soul, but that more genuine, softer one few people ever got to hear. "Yeah, pretty fuckin' much, babe. They're comforting!"

You roll your eyes at him, albeit fondly, as a smile pulled at your lips. "Whatever works for you, I guess."

His smirk grows, and he squeezes your boobs a little firmer this time. "Oh, these beauties are fucking workin' for me, sweet cheeks."

You scoff, albeit lightheartedly, and swat at his shoulder. "Shut up and watch your damn movie."

Adam doesn’t respond, but he pulls you a little closer and gives your tits one last good squeeze before returning his attention to the TV—for the most part, at least. His hands don’t leave your chest, but they don’t really do much either. They’re just resting there, occasionally groping or giving a light squeeze. Damn, this really isn’t a sex thing for him, is it?

You’d already been shocked when you’d first realized how clingy Adam is. You were even more surprised to discover that he’s a fan of nonsexual intimacy in general, like cuddling and hugging without it leading to something more. And here he is, surprising you once again by doing something that should surely be sexual in his mind, yet treating it casually and barely even making sex jokes about it. 

A few more minutes into the movie, you can’t hide your curiosity anymore. “This really isn’t a sexual thing for you?”

Adam’s eyebrows raise, and he looks puzzled at your question before breaking out into a smirk. “Why, do you want it to be?”

You scoff and shake your head. “No, I’m just… surprised, is all.”

“Hey! I can appreciate some nice boobs without it being sexual,” he protests, and he sounds at least partially serious.

“Okay, okay, I believe you,” you assure him with a soft laugh. “I didn’t say it was a bad thing.”

“Good, ‘cause I fuckin' like this,” Adam remarks, once again squeezing your boobs for emphasis. You just fondly roll your eyes at him and go back to watching the movie.

Having a clingy boyfriend is pretty nice, actually.

Taglist: @3sire-777

[tom-failure]

Hmm, how about Rika for that character ask game? 👀 And I'll throw in Zen as well, feel free to babble about him as much as you want <3

HO HO HO someone actually wants to hear my hot takes!!! Well, you’re in for a treat, my friend *cracks knuckles*

Rika

favourite thing about her

I’m gonna be hella controversial here, BUT my favourite thing about Rika is the lengths to which the game goes to justify her. HEAR ME OUT. This is the treatment always reserved for male characters. They are the ones getting coddled, loved, and redeemed (cough Jihyun Kim cough Jumin Han cough Saeran Choi). And Rika doesn’t even (arguably) get redeemed! She gets justified! The game explicitly tells you: ‘forgive her, or you’re a rape/pedophile apologist’. And hoo boy, that’s refreshing to see, especially in a game as misogynistic as MysMes.

I support women’s wrongs in this case. Raped women can have little a death cult. As a treat.

*mic drop*

least favourite thing about her

Hmm, I don’t know! I think Rika is a really good sympathetic villain. She’s sleazy, creepy, and at times plain terrifying. Recently I was chatting with a follower and we talked at length about how scary of an all-permeating presence Rika is/was to the RFA. But on the other hand, she has solid motivations for what she does, she has a pretty coherent (if fucked up) philosophy she follows, she’s well-rounded as a character!

I think the only thing I don’t particularly like about her is the voice performance and the whole Mika schtick. Rika doesn’t need someone nudging her towards the idea of a death cult to make her, as a villain, sympathetic. With all she’s been through, she is already sympathetic enough. And it’s enough that she takes her fucked up situation and turns it around to her advantage in this MORE fucked up way. It’s way more interesting.

And on the voice performances, I have very particular opinions. Rika’s strikes me as poorly acted oftentimes. Even taking into account the difference in mannerisms familiar to my Ukrainian ear VS the actress’ Korean.

favourite line

I love when, between being completely unhinged, she says incredibly sane stuff like this:

Like, SHE’S NOT WRONG!!!! Say it louder, queen!

But also…

brOTP

Honestly, I’m not sure Rika can truly have friends. I don’t think with her levels of fucked up, she could really keep such an arrangement. She can have followers, and she can have lovers, but I think, ultimately, she has never seen a normal equal relationship to such an extent that she wouldn’t know how to maintain it. So I guess it’s a blank here.

OTP

I think Rika with an evil fucked up MC is very *chef’s kiss*. V can suck it. And those two could be gay and do crime. Admittedly, I didn't pursue that ending, although I wad tempted, but I like the concept a lot.

But also, I love the dynamic of JuVRika and how they make each other worse, dragging everyone around them down with them. Those people are entangled in all sorts of manipulative and hurtful dynamics, and they all latch onto each other and refuse to let each other go. Truly a dysfunctional family, a toxic polycule, don’t join them when they spot you across the bar.

nOTP

I don’t have any strong negative feelings about Rika being shipped with anyone. Gonna be controversial again, but I don’t even judge people who see something romantic in Yoosung’s feelings for her. Go and indulge your toxic fucked up ships with my blessing.

random headcanon

Hmmm, don’t wanna repeat myself with the headcanons I already posted about her. I think a not-before-mentioned one that I really enjoyed was the one that came to life when I was talking to that follower about the Zen post. They said that Rika was down to solicit Zen for sex (maybe with V watching/filming/taking pictures) when they roped him into the RFA. And I’m seriously considering this possibility.

unpopular opinion

ANOTHER ONE?

Okay, here goes: I think Rika held way less power in her relationship with V than is often attributed to her. She was pretty much homeless and barely an adult when she was proposed to after just a couple months of barely knowing each other by some sort of a rich boy heir. She was severely mentally ill and she had pretty much no power in that relationship whatsoever. Without V, she would never have gotten access to those rich people and their resources, I don’t think. Yes, Rika made her fucked up decisions herself, but V made her SO MUCH worse beforehand. I think Rika is often blamed for what is actually his part.

song i associate with her

You are in luck! I make Spotify playlists for all characters and ships that interest me!

But if I had to pick one, probably On a Wire by Belasco

Shot myself

A final gaze

Through the glass of the watch

That you engraved:

‘To my love, my eternal love’...

‘YOU LIED, YOU BITCH’ —

I screamed from above.

And you,

Yeah you,

You wanted more than to fill a room with careless lies,

And you,

Yeah you,

You were the apple, no, the cause of my strife.

favourite picture of her

This one for the sheer memetic possibility.

Zen

favourite thing about him

I absolutely LOVE his backstory, even though it is so little explored. I love how dark it is and how it perfectly explains all of the shitty takes he has on the world and all the shitty habits he inflicts on the people he loves. I love his tragedy, I love how dark of a character he actually is, and how he came out of that hell so flawed, and yet undeterred. I love how rough around the edges his past has made him.

And oh, don’t get me STARTED on the voice performance. Best in the game, no contest.

least favourite thing about him

His route. I can’t STAND the whole premise, and I think it ruins him for a lot of people.

I’m also peeved by the way fandom doesn’t treat him seriously, but that pales before the treatment Yoosung is given, so I don’t think it’s worth elaborating on.

Yeah, the worst thing about Zen is his route, where he gets accused of raping a woman (poor boy gets his life ruined by an evil female, amirite, happens all the time), you gotta believe he is in the right there with no proof whatsoever (because women are evil and always lie, especially about rape, you know), AND THEN he is forced to reconcile with his shitty family that bullied him and let people harass him, to the point that he preferred to become homeless and a criminal??? And he never ONCE gets called out on his actual shitty behaviours?! Babes?!!

favourite line

This one on Jaehee route.

It’s so little yet so poignant. It is such a fleeting little thing, but it encapsulates his character in its entirety: lonely, hurt, yet caring about others first and foremost in his own clumsy ways; guarding his own wounds from others lest they suffer even a little bit of what he’s been through by proxy.

That guy makes me Feel Feelings.

brOTP

Zenhee! Or Zen/MC, specifically Joori, the MC I came up with and Jaehee’s girlfriend. But if we’re talking canon characters, then Jaehee. They would make each other so much better! Their friendship has so much potential! Zen would care for her in the very way she needs, I think his overbearing care is a perfect match for her self-neglecting self, and don’t get me started on how much he hypes her up! I saw a very good post recently about Zen wanting to be the older brother figure his own brother couldn't be to him, and here, I think, he could really shine. And Jaehee, with her reasonable and level-headed approach, would really give him good advice and bring him back to earth. She, too, can be overbearing with her care, but to beat Zen’s mind, set in his ways so hard he can’t look up? Yeah, that would work on him.

In general, it would be fun to see Zen have friendships with strong no-nonsense women, because he himself has strong enough a character and big enough a personality to offer them something cool and interesting, but also he really needs to be called out on his bullshit more.

OTP

…do I need to answer that? I’m THE Yoozen ambassador in this fandom, I am proud, and I’m still going strong. Yoozen/Zensung is THE ship ever, and I stand by it.

They care about each other a hell of a lot in canon, they compliment each other and stand up for each other, and I think they’re pretty much the only real friends in the whole RFA. And given Zen doesn’t let anyone close, the fact that he often invites Yoosung over and likes it is just very telling to me. The way they rely on each other and care for each other, despite Zen (and, arguably, sometimes Yoosung, too?) having no normal ways of showing it OR accepting it, makes my heart flutter. They talk about each other very tenderly to MC, too.

Also, I think they’d be incredibly good and healing for each other. Yoosung is very emotionally intelligent, empathetic, and insightful, and in him, Zen has a delicate and loving presence that he doesn’t have to explain himself to too much. Yoosung accepts him and wants to actually offer him warmth. And Yoosung’s open and kind enough to invite openness and kindness in return. He sees Zen for the big-hearted person that he is, and he could bring it out to shine.

And Zen is already so willing in canon to be the shoulder to cry on for Yoosung, to be good to him, he already wants to support him, help him, care for him, but he does it in all the wrongest and pushiest ways, hitting right into Yoosung’s own trauma. Yet, for all his forcefulness, Zen would give Yoosung the love that he craves: big, dramatic, and romantic. He is the protector, and he would do his damnedest to shield the softness in Yoosung, yet he would be the greatest inspiration and support for him to become firmer in his own personhood.

Besides, Zen with his fighting responses has the love that can complement Yoosung’s in its self-sacrificiality, and it’s just such a delicious dynamic for me.

nOTP

I am in general very faithful in terms of ships, so I’m not into any ships besides Yoozen that include Zen or Yoosung. But if we’re talking stronger feelings? Definitely Zumin. I am NOT into the trend of seeing outright hostility and saying, ‘yeah, that’s love right there’. I am old-fashioned like that.

random headcanon

I headcanoned extensively about Zen, both here and on Drawingmen, but the absolute pet headcanon of mine is the guy he had ‘too many firsts’ with, the unseen presence that prompted Love Story and that haunts Zen in all of my fanfic, but particularly Down Bad and The Wolf. I am currently writing a fic centering them both, and I even have a playlist about them now.

unpopular opinion

Romantically, I would not wish Zen upon any woman at all whatsoever. Zen has internalised the street code, he is EXTEREMELY prone to overcompensating, and he’s so desperate to be a beacon of masculinity (as an overcompensation, too, ironically) that he is bound to hurt people. His explosive character is just asking for trouble, and with the way he mellows down for the MC on his route… yeah, I know men like him. It never lasts long. I would not wish for any woman to deal with a man like that in a relationship.

song i associate with him

I got a Zen playlist, too, but it’s long and I haven’t filtered it in a while. The one song I would pick… probably Leave Me In by Zahl. 

It's all right if there's a battle tonight.

I'm right here and I'm ready to fight.

I swear I'm gonna kick daylight,

Serves him damn right.

So go on say your prayers,

But say them when I'm not there,

Cause that god, if he's there,

All he had for me was fear

And also, lately, Rokas by JUUK. After I drew that art with Zen’s hands over the years. Nothing quite particular about him in the lyrics, but it is now The Vibe.

You conceal your arms,

I conceal mine.

favourite picture of him

The CGs where he has Yoosung in his lap:

If I had a penny for each CG with Yoosung lying in Zen's lap, I'd have two pennies, which isn't much, but funny that it happened twice 😌

If you got this far, just letting you know I love you <3 Thank you for giving me the opportunity to ramble!

[transx-mogai-cafe]

Hi. I thought I might send you an ask because your blog feels like a safe place for it.

I was doing a little research and trying to figure where the earliest transabled advocates are now. It turned out that the woman who had identified as transblind and blinded herself with drain cleaner did an AMA on Reddit. She confessed that her psychiatrist had had a fetish for blind women, and that he had gaslit her into believing that she had BIID and convinced her to go through with blinding herself. She said she regrets what she did and that she intends to pursue legal action. I feel terrible for her, and I hope she gets justice. But I’m also scared for what this means for the transabled movement at large.

I’m a transgender person, and I know how much the small percentage of detransitioners and desistors have been used by conservatives to push transgender identities further and further out of society. And detransition/desistance for transabled identities has got to be worse. With a transgender identity, the worst that usually happens to detransitioners is dysphoria, which is terrible but not the same as lifelong loss of an ability. The transgender community has mostly fought back against these attacks by conservatives by pointing out how tiny the detransition rate is. But we don’t know the size of the transabled detransition or regret rate. I think our best argument is that the right to bodily autonomy means that some people are going to inevitably make choices they might regret. But I wanted to hear your thoughts. I think we need to deal with the issue of regret before it becomes a weapon for those opposing transableism.

Hi! I'm honestly very flattered you sent this ask here as a safe space, which I do honestly try to be for well-intentioned discussion surrounding transid and queer identities.

Mind you I tend to type partial responses, save as draft, continue, save, etc. so these also may end up not nearly as cohesive as I may like but hopefully I'll be able to contribute discussion to your points.

So I first want to start off by stating, without trying to minimize the personal impact this woman's experience has had in her own life, that Ms. Shuping is basically the transabled Rachel Dolezal to the general public. By that I mean, news outlets started reporting on instances of what we now call transidentities in the mid 2010's as transgender talking points were starting to come up more in public discussion. She was made an example of in the public eye (as Dolezal was) in regards to the "slippery slope" argument of "if you can choose your gender, what's stopping you from identifying as literally anything else??" <- said as if that's somehow a bad thing. She is the first and usually only example ever brought up whenever transability is mentioned outside of our own spaces, usually by people trying to make a "gotcha that's why this is bad!" point.

With that being said, obviously it does sound like the went through something awful. And unfortunately you are correct that her story was and, as I've mentioned, still is used as an anti-morphological freedom talking point. This is because it is apparently easier and more satisfying to point and mock at others considered societally incongruent than to try and break down the bigger picture here - that being the (USA) healthcare system and the power imbalance providers have over patients.

When it comes to transgender/transsex "detransitioning", I actually have very mixed feelings on what "the best" talking points are. "There aren't that many anyways" sounds in line with "born this way" is that, sure I guess that might possibly be true in at least most instances...... but would it matter if that wasn't true? I feel we do ourselves a disservice in the long run attempting to minimize our existence in order to be accepted. Even if they may (arguably) help us in the short term, we start running into issues in the long term. We know that as transgender/sex acceptance has risen, so has the number of people who consider themselves as such. So statistically, it's more likely that there will also be more people overall that figure out they're actually cisgender/sex, even if it were a consistently small percentage of that population.

Given this, my current thinking is that you are correct - our best argument is that the right to bodily autonomy means that some people are going to inevitably make choices they might regret. And this is true for any and all morphological freedom. Some people will have invasive genital surgery because they feel its best for them in that moment to do so and then regret it later. Some people will have abortions and then regret doing so. Or have sterilization surgery up to and including organ removal for cisgender/sex people as well as trans. And some people, yes, will have some other non-reproductive organ removed or ability purposely lost and then wish later that they had not. What we need to instill is that none of these are good arguments for taking away bodily autonomy. There are many other avenues that we can discuss in trying to help minimize regret rates for any changes to oneself, but taking away bodily autonomy should never be answer. Unfortunately, due to this being a complicated issue because humans are complicated and the answer for every individual isn't going to be an easy straight-forward one, most people just prefer to not even engage with it and just ban things whole-cloth. Not like it affects them any, right?

This is getting pretty long and rambly already, so even if I haven't addressed all your points I hope you still get something out of it? And anyone who wants to contribute is of course always welcome and encouraged to!

[frostyclove]

anyways a quick good news bad news i normally do this just in my own head so today im sharing

good news : supreme court isnt entirely corrupt they did remember what the constitution says and did support the right to trial! thank fucking god lets hope they do it again with the citizenship case that theyre also currently hearing ! (alito and thomas are the weak links of us all they did vote to do away with the right to trial)

bad news : one of the worst days of bombing in gaza today. as israel enjoys eurovision ! at this point theyre bombing rubble - so you know damn well they know theyre hitting civilians they can fucking see them. OH! and they themselves said 80% of the people being hit were civilians per their own records. so. thats something.

good news : chris brown's bail was denied and he will be in jail until at least june 13th (he got arrested in the uk)

bad news : major storms across the us!! last i checked 600k without power ; probably will go up as there are more storms on the way!!

weird news : yellowjackets fans ask for their show to be cancelled for the 15th time this year ! (a bit ridiculous) AND 911 fans have been asking for their head writer to be sacked ! (arguably it seems less ridiculous) (but listen to the secret ! what both sets of fans dont know is that the tv industry is actually crumbling as we speak!!! these are the shows on the titanic lifeboats ! they need quite literally all the support they can get ; so we should really fact check things before we scream about them!)(and google definitions. and maybe foreshadowing. or the concept of a slow burn. i thank you hacks fans for doing those two things)

god news ; the pope has a twitter and plans to be active on it. for some reason i have followed him. i am not catholic. but hes cousins with one of my favorite tiktokers so like .... thats friend

dumb news : trump complained about taylor swift and bruce springsteen. i really dont know the man picks weird petty fights he with his full chest said he was hot and taylor swift wasnt i dont know

fashion news : the majority of dresses im seeing on the TL are made out of scraps of fabric. the economy is dire.

economy news : soooooo i dont really know what it means (guessing its like pokemon cards) but we got downgraded from a AAA economy to a AA1 and apparently thats like a going from a 10 to a 9 but in economy it has to be like really worse to do that rather than with cards where its anything so as i said per my fashion statement - economy dire

annoying news : if the us porn ban goes through be prepared to have lots more of the subtle fetish content everywhere. weird mukbangs, weird 5minutecrafts. oh and of course for a lot more sex workers to be put in danger but unfortunately most of the people supporting the bill do not give a fuck about sex workers and actually generally get a kick out of giving them punishment and i'd honestly assume some get off on it under the guise of religion. but sure we gotta ban the places they can safely work and make sure theres not child porn right right right (as much of the internet would have you think - im very disappointed in many of you) (i hope you understand this is quite literally the direct impact of antishipping - welcome to an example of ~manufacturing consent~ ; where the government (or people within it or marketing or or or) really want to do something, but they need the public to support it. so they find a way to get that public support ! even if it takes tricking them, manipulating them, hurting them, they dont care, so long as the public now also want to do the thing they want to do). i wrote way more than i intended here.

my tiktokfeed news : someone made one of my fave titktokers cry :( be nice

ugh news : hacks fans - could they just fucking make out already they're getting on my nerves

updates on the fascism : after a few congressmen (ex but still) were tweeting about '86'-ing people, a journalist did the same as a satirical pointing out of the other, received a chat from the secret service. so just keep that in mind i guess

THG news : we got snow today. mixed reception. he has a very not good history of being a jk rowling backer (he is voldemort after all). as a whole; this was the only fancast i had seen, so i assumed everyone was expecting him to get the part. seems that was not the case. (the children are not taking the roles of their dead fathers guys )

upsettingpersonalnews: you ever do the thing where you say something then an account you love sees you do it then complains about you doing it ? yeah. that happened. in my defense - im right. this will make no sense ; but its not even the same outfit anyways its a completely different fabric and im so sorry for thinking a baroque velvet would have looked cooler than polyester blue. but i digress.

ugh 2.0 news : tate mcrae wont leave any of my timelines. im so sick of seeing her. no shade or anything. i just do not like her or interact with any content about her nor listen to her songs and i am not even a fan of olivia rodrigo like that - but she is every 5 posts and has been for 4 months. i am sick of her. and addison but thats all shade

realizations of an american news. : asian culture like film and tv is soooooo chill with sapphic media i am so jealous yall have so much fun stuff ! i have no idea how or where to find any of it much less what to even watch but.... its like grown up wlw barbie movies over there i am jealous as hell (obvious obligatory not all but like, at least 4 which is more than the white people have we have ~maybe~ france)

silly news??: fortnite got blocked off apple

anyways i shall leave it there i hope this was entertaining or informative or both if you read this far. started as like very serious but then i ran out of news but not the need to deliver information so this is what you got. please know if its something ridiculous im either being sarcastic or saying it in the tone of the toymaker in the 60th specials all 'this is fucking absurd but it seems to be what is actually fucking happening in actual real life despite how absurd it is!!" okay cool <33

[atopvisenyashill]

9, 12, and 25?

9. worst part of canon

okay let me dig into the dothraki thing - what annoys me the most is that he compares the dothraki to is ~great plains horse riding tribes~ but there is NOTHING of them culturally in the dothraki or even in their setting!! the apache comanche navajo and other plains nations have such a rich history and i get george probably didn’t have access to that sort of information in the 90s but god he doesn’t even try!! i don’t know a lot about mongolian history but i would hazard a guess that the dothraki bear no resemblance to the actual khans that existed in the mongolian empire. there’s like an attempt to characterize dorne. there’s not even a tiny attempt to flesh out the dothraki or the lhazareen as cultures.

12. the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them

okay i think this series has been around long enough that there’s not really unpopular characters bc everyone has their own mini fandom. i think you can find like a good hundred stans of every character in the series atp and i think that’s a fun change from when i first entered the fandom and people would make metas with lines like “sansa the bitch in the north begging for scraps” and this got reblogged by ~serious people~ in this fandom without comment. i think the fandom blowing up in size made some things worse, bc sometimes the h particles in this fandom go crazyyyyy but i also do like that when i say “i think sansa and theon are gonna be in love” while at work, i get taken seriously now.

that said, obviously it’s joffrey. idk what it is about this kid that makes people unable to see his complexity, despite his death being seen through the eyes of arguably his two biggest victims in tyrion & sansa, and both of them only feel grief and anguish at his death! he was born into an awful situation and it turned him into an awful person and he is dead before he’s had two decades of life.

i think cersei also gets this treatment, this refusal to engage with her complexity, which is why you get so many people who will call her ~jaime’s abuser~ when it’s just so much more complicated than that, or the guys on reddit who think robert should have beat her more. i think they both make people uncomfortable bc a lot of people know if they were in that situation, they’d absolutely crack up under the pressure too. they would not stay good people and they don’t wanna think about it so joff & cersei must simply be born evil! i feel like in the Fandom Right Now, they’re the two that really get that the most in several places and i think it’s crazy, cersei should be winning “best character in all of history” awards man!!!!

25. common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing

don’t love the idea that brienne shouldn’t fuck jaime bc shes ~too good for him, i think this is flying too close to madonna whore stuff and the jaime/brienne/cersei triangle is RIFE with this it’s like catnip for people, and this is bc jaime himself idealizes both women as madonnas and whores BUT for brienne it’s like. her story is about learning she’s allowed to be a woman in however way she wants to be, and she can be a knight and also crave sex and romance, she’s not a freak in a dress for desiring fine things like any other woman of her station. finding a sexual and romantic partner who looks at her and feels LUST and feels LOVE is imo a very important part of her character arc and i think the idea that she has to settle for someone like connington is crazy and also like, mean 😭😭 it just forces her back into that mold of the madonna to cersei’s whore and i don’t like it!!

[cto10121]

Twilight Clown Takes—Part 5

Featuring not only fan dumb but anti fan dumb, which is arguably worse, Team Jacob dumb, and just another whole set of clownery. Without further ado, let’s get to it.

Anti Fan Dumb

“I own all the Twilight books and movies and have made custom T-shirts but also Twilight is garbage and it’s not hypocritical or bullying to say so!!1!!1 😡”

(Also, Twilight’s themes and even plot are anything but simple. There are so many interpretive lens you could apply, even critical lit crit ones, it’s dizzying. Like R&J, it only seems to be that way because people assume romance = dumb. Because they think romance = women, and women are inferior. It’s Sexism 101.)

This is going to sound truly crazy, but hear me out…if you don’t like something, just don’t engage with it? Ignore it???? Go be a fan of literally anything else????Out there, I know.

“I got what I wanted and I still hated it!!1!!11 😡”

Meyer Is Racist Round ♾️

…You know, I honestly can’t tell what this comment is supposed to aver. “Meyer’s portrayal is racist but also her series was ahead of its time in its portrayal of NA characters”????? Idek.

Anyway, it’s canon that Forks is neutral territory for both Cullens and the werewolves, so them looking after Charlie should be fine (I know Jacob says differently in New Moon but I have a feeling it is because of Alice’s presence—there is definitely a “we won’t be anywhere near you” component to the treaty). In Midnight Sun Edward says specifically it’s a five mile radius from the Cullens’ house.

There are so much wrong with this one sentence, it’s breathtaking. As in, I can’t breathe from choking with laughter.

1) “Despite its”—Because of, you idiot. It was Meyer’s success in tapping into ancient and nigh universal tropes and modernizing them without diluting their power.

2) Just because Twilight doesn’t have sex doesn’t mean it is chaste. There is nothing chaste about the erotic and sexual tension Meyer builds. It is literally off the charts.

3) “Forbidden love” and “steep imbalance of power” are not opposites. On the contrary, they are complementary. Literally every forbidden love romance has that aspect. Even Romeo and Juliet with its beautiful relationship of equals has Romeo’s privilege raised as male vs. Juliet’s raised as female. And yes, it does affect their tragedy.

4) “Damsel—” She is a human amid vampires and werwolves, idiot. Of course she is not going to girlboss her way out of danger. That would have been a one-way ticket to literal death. And she would have deserved it, for being too stupid to live. But Bella is not an idiot; she has more wit in her elbow than any of her antis combined.

Team Jacob Dumb

Ugh, kill this fanon with fire.

Meyer makes it clear that Bella is not attracted to all vampires the same way she is attracted to Edward. She isn’t taken in by James, she isn’t fooled by Laurent, and the vampires in Breaking Dawn are referred to in fairly basic terms. Even the way she describes the Cullens’ beauty differs—Carlisle’s and even Rosalie’s beauty (!!) she likens to Hollywood and Sports Magazine respectively. Very clichéd and emotionally empty descriptions. Most tellingly of all, she doesn’t describe other vampiric scents at all.

Meanwhile every little thing Edward does makes this girl cream. His voice, his scent, his crooked smile, his windswept bronze hair…because she’s in love with him, duh.

You may have had a point some years ago, Clown OP. Unfortunately for you, we now have Midnight Sun. There Edward does correctly guess Bella’s thoughts and feelings around 80-90% of the time. The only time when he’s consistently off is her attraction to him. He, like Bella, just sells himself short, as he relies on his mind reading too much.

Even if it were true that Jacob just naturally gets Bella better…in actual practice it’s mostly due to the fact that they are much closer in age. So their brand of humor (the running joke about ages, banter, the Simpsons allusion in Breaking Dawn) and style of communication are not that different (hence why Bella thinks he is so easy to talk to). Bella can truly be a regular 17-year-old with Jacob, and that is understandably attractive for a parentified teen.

Aside from that, though, Bella/Jacob don’t have much in common. Bella’s tomboyishness begins and ends with her truck and stretches to its limit to motorcycles. Otherwise she is a parentified class-conscious bookish Austenite and Jacob is your basic mechanic native boy who by all accounts is perfectly fine at the rez. He takes care of his father, but his situation is far from being as parentified as Bella.

Overall Edward is much closer to Bella in personality and likes than Jacob—he just has the disadvantage of being born in a different time and living a hundred years. Also, Jacob’s understanding of Bella doesn’t translate very well into respect for her—see forced kiss and manipulative second kiss.

Edward Hate Dumb

…I’ll give it to this one, this clownery almost sounds like a legit criticism. Almost.

First of all, it is clear beyond the shadow of a doubt that Edward would have never given up on Bella. Even when he left her he always planned to return and see how she was doing. In Midnight Sun he confesses that had he seen New Moon!Bella in her screaming nightmares he would have woken her up and stayed with her. And in Eclipse he tells Jacob explicitly that even if Bella did choose him he would always “be waiting in the wings,” seeing if she was okay and happy and watching out if Jacob imprinted on someone else.

So no, Edward would always be there for Bella, if just in his stalkerish way. That’s the problem with Edward, or what he feels is a problem: He wants to be this noble hero, but he is a simp at heart. He and Romeo could go neck to neck just on love clownery alone.

For fuck’s sake—

1) Edward telling Bella he cannot live without her is not and never was manipulative. For such a thing to be manipulative he would have said it in order to convince Bella to stay with him. He never does; he says it only as a simple statement of fact. Actually, Edward preferred Bella living her life as human—with or without him—so long as she is happy. That was literally his original plan except for Bella’s horror of growing older.

2) Edward actually does accept—deep down, but he does—Bella’s desire to be a vampire, even if he disagreed with it. He even accepted his family’s vote to turn Bella into a vampire quite fast. That’s because deep down, despite himself…Edward actually does want Bella to be with him forever. He just thinks it’s selfish of him to pursue that especially when he believes that humanity would be so much better for Bella. How do we know this? He admits this explicitly in Eclipse when Bella says she is afraid Edward doesn’t want her to become a vampire because he doesn’t want her to stick around for a millennia.

3) “Coercion” For fuck’s sake, it was just a proposal. Bella was free to reject it or negotiate (which she did! And Edward accepted her rejection!). Y’know, what actual irl couples do.

4) Ugh, I’m sick of these clowns whining about Edward dismantling her truck. Yes, it was shitty!!! Bella was annoyed and angry!!! He apologized for it!!! He said he was wrong to stop her and would not impede her from going to La Push from then on!!!! It’s called character development!!!!

Clown OP knows Twilight is horribly written because they’ve never read it. Works for me! Into the clownery bin you go.

[cletusthurstonbeauregard]

Diddy’s Defenders

Was #MeToo a movement or a moment? By Xochitl Gonzalez

America is riveted by the Diddy trial for many reasons: celebrity, kink, drugs, violence, guns, baby oil. You can almost hear Ryan Murphy calling FX now to pitch American Crime Story: Diddy Do It? Influencers are staking out the courthouse, live-updating X with witnesses’ testimony, and providing TikTok updates that one creator calls “Diddy-lations.” And people are eating it up.

Diddy—whose legal name is Sean Combs—has pleaded not guilty to the charges he faces of racketeering conspiracy and sex trafficking. Many Americans have taken to the comment sections to offer their full-throated belief in his innocence. Despite the video evidence of domestic violence, the photos of Combs’s guns with serial numbers removed, and the multiple witnesses testifying that Combs threatened to kill them, this group insists that Diddy’s biggest sin is nothing more than being a hypermasculine celebrity with “libertine” sexual tastes.

The trial is estimated to take eight to 10 weeks; we’ve made it through just two. No one can predict the outcome. But why do so many men—and a surprising number of women—feel the need to defend this man? The jury has already watched the now-infamous surveillance footage of Combs dragging Cassie Ventura, the prosecution’s star witness, by the collar of her sweatshirt through a hotel—and that’s not even one of the things he’s on trial for.

I can’t look away from the Diddy trial, because it feels like the trial not of one man, but of something much larger. The jury—made up of eight men and four women—will decide whether to convict Combs, but the broader culture, in its response to this trial, is deciding whether #MeToo was a movement or a moment.

At the center of the trial is the question of coercion. Did Ventura participate in hundreds of drug-fueled sexual encounters with strangers for Combs, who liked to watch, because she enjoyed them? Or did Combs use his power over her to force her? When they met, she was 19, an eager and ambitious singer. He was 17 years older, and arguably the most powerful man in the music industry. His label, Bad Boy, signed her to a highly unusual, long-term 10-album deal. He was her boss and, soon, her boyfriend. The evidence presented by both sides serves as a Rorschach test. How you see it says a lot about how the #MeToo movement did—or did not—alter your vision.

The facts seem clear. Ventura was a legal adult, but barely, when her career was effectively handed over to Combs in 2006. Today, musical artists such as Chappell Roan and Sabrina Carpenter invent their own persona. But in the mid-2000s, many artists were strictly controlled by their labels. Particularly when the artists were women. The people paying the bills didn’t just dictate what these women sounded like—they dictated their hair color, their weight. You have to watch only one episode of Combs’s MTV show Making the Band to get a taste of the climate he created. He made artists compete in singing battles to earn a bed to sleep in and ordered them to walk miles from Manhattan to Brooklyn to get him a specific slice of cheesecake. Behind the scenes, things were worse. One singer said Diddy controlled every aspect of her appearance “down to my toenails.”

Sure, maybe Ventura loved him. But sometimes hostages fall in love with their captors. Even the ones who beat them. Sure, women have an array of sexual tastes, just like men. But it’s hard to imagine a woman enjoying having intercourse while, as Ventura said in her testimony, suffering from a painful urinary tract infection. It’s hard to imagine feeling aroused after your partner threw a glass bottle at you, as a male sex worker said he witnessed Combs do to Ventura. And when people are having a consensual good time, they don’t usually try to sneak out of the room, barefoot—as Ventura was seen doing in the hotel surveillance footage—only for their partner to catch them, grab them by the back of the neck, throw them to the ground, and kick them. Repeatedly. Ventura said that the sex acts made her feel “worthless.” But, as the video showed, attempting to extract herself came with a price.

It’s been almost eight years since the Harvey Weinstein story broke and the #MeToo movement forced a reassessment of abuse and power. In the future, I remember thinking, we will not just speak out against bad actors; we will refuse to participate in the systems that protected them. Going forward, everyone would understand that, in a world of power imbalances, the difference between what a woman chooses and what happens to her can be very big indeed.

Instead, something else happened over the subsequent years. American women have seen our rights eroded and our access to lifesaving health care curbed. An accused sexual abuser is president of the United States, and his administration is hard at work on schemes to persuade more women to stay home and have kids. Many men have fought hard to undermine the progress of the #MeToo movement. Like Combs running after Ventura in that video, they have tried to drag women back into the past, where they could do as they liked.

And lately, they have been having a lot of success.

[elvisabutler]

i could be a better boyfriend than him

summary: your boyfriend austin has chosen to ignore you once again when you've gone out together. thankfully olivia is there to remind you of what you're missing and deserve. fandom: austin butler | elvis ( 2022 ) pairing: olivia dejonge x reader, austin butler x reader rating: high t? minor sexual themes but i didn't actually have them have sex. it is implied that they're going to. word count: 1430 tw: cheating on arguably the reader's part and austin's part. bad boyfriend behavior. author's note: so. this is inspired purely by reinaeiry's cover of dove cameron's boyfriend since it comes up on my "put my daughter to sleep" playlist constantly. see also: i love austin but i'm a big 'ol bisexual and you better believe i want to make out with olivia as much as i do austin. also this is not a gala piece but if i didn't write it now i was gonna never post it so here you go.

Austin is- Austin used to be what you'd like to define as a perfect boyfriend sure, he had his issues but you tolerated them to the best of your ability. You wrote them off as just him being him. Since he's started shooting Elvis and since you joined him as soon as the shooting shutdown lifted- well, it's gotten worse. You don't know if it was the six months by himself that caused this or if just embracing everything else had caused this. It reminded you of his dedication to iceman cometh in a way, wanting to be the best of the best at the expense of those around him. It was a shame, too, because you more than anyone except Vanessa Hudgens and his sister and his closest friends knew exactly how much he cared about his people.

Then again, maybe you were wrong about him, considering at the moment you're sitting in a club on the couch scrolling through something trying to find some form of entertainment to go with your drink. Honestly you had only come to this club because Austin had asked and- you really don't know why he bothered since half the time he was off with someone being charming and "yeah, it's fun being able to get out of the house, you know how these rules have been." or "I'm not much of a dancer, but you can show me.". it's not that he was cheating, you'd know if he was because Austin has never had a poker face in his life. It's just that he was ignoring you in favor of everyone else. Your finger is hovering above your phone about to scroll down once again when you hear his voice from above you.

"Hey, darling, I've got an early morning call time, Baz wants to review a few scenes and see if we can find a way to make them better." He leans down to place a kiss on your forehead. "I'd hate to stop you from having fun, you want to just stay here?"

You don't, not really at least but you can see from Austin's shy half smile that he wants you to, he wants you to get to know the cast and crew a little better and what better way than indulging in a bit of partying. The sigh that escapes you when would have given most boyfriends pause and had them dragging you out of the building, but all Austin does is shrug. "Yeah, Aus, I'll just catch an uber home."

"Good, try and have some fun. Love you, darling." He says, giving you a quick peck to the lips and turning to leave. Your head goes back to your phone so you don't notice the girl sliding under his arm once he gets to the door.

However, Olivia does. Olivia notices him leave with a girl and she assumes it's you until she sighs and looks back at where you shouldn't be on the couch only to find you right there, glued to your phone and looking as if you'd rather be anywhere but here. It's then that she realizes Austin left you here to go do God knows what with the other girl. Her eyes narrow and while normally she doesn't get involved with you and Austin- this time she has to do something. You're- She likes you as a person and as someone who is attractive so the idea of leaving you hanging fills her with such dread that- no, you need someone to take you home and show you what you deserve.

Her feet carry her to you without a true second thought and for the second time tonight you realize someone is above you before they actually speak. Unlike with Austin though, you beat Olivia to the punch on saying hello.

"'Liv, hey. What are you doing here? Austin said something about an early morning call. Don't you have the same one?" You ask raising an eyebrow as your stomach twists just a little.

Olivia opens her mouth once, then twice before shaking her head. "No, I don't." She pauses and lets out a small exhale. "Austin isn't- Austin's been ignoring you half the night and now he's got to leave? Babe, his call time isn't that early, no one's is. why do you think I'm still here?"

That's what you were afraid of, that Austin had lied to leave to do- you don't even know what, you want to entertain what he's doing. You bite your lower lip before frowning. "Because you're a glutton for punishment and enjoy staying at clubs past when you should?"

Her lips curl into a slight smile before she laughs softly as she holds out a hand for you to take to pull you off the couch. "I've been watching you try and kiss him and get his attention instead of coming to rescue you all night. You might have a point."

You stare at her hand for a moment before taking it and using her to leverage yourself up. When you get up to the standing position you tilt your head while looking at her, your face scrunching up in confusion. "Is that what this is? A rescue?"

Olivia's eyes dart to your lips before moving back up to meet your eyes. This was probably the only time she'd be able to get you alone and out of Austin's view to be able to even try this so what would be the harm in throwing caution to the wind. Her tongue wets her lips before she clears her throat. "Maybe. Depends on if you let me kiss you, babe."

You swear in that moment the world actually stops. At the very least you swear it narrows to just the small space around you and Olivia. The world tilts a little and you think it's the alcohol finally hitting you but no, it's the rush of hearing someone kind of asking for a kiss from you. You don't remember the last time Austin had asked you for that and even when he did it wasn't being serious because he knew you'd always kiss him no matter what. Olivia doesn't know that, she doesn't know that the idea of kissing her has a heat curling in your body that you almost don't recognize. It feels better than what you've had with Austin and you want that feeling. You want that feeling to stay with you and you want to chase it. You think that's why in lieu of an answer you close the distance between you and Olivia, grabbing at the back of her neck and just pulling her in for a kiss.

It's messy, a clash of lips and tongue and you accidentally bite her lip but she doesn't mind. You actually hear a bit of a sigh at it if your ears are working right. The noise of the club starts to come back to you and everything else in the club starts to come back into your view and- you remember there's a couch behind you. Your free hand moves to Olivia's back and you start to force the two of you back to the couch. You want to make out with her, you want to feel her against you and it's in that moment that Olivia pulls away for air.

You groan softly when you look up at her, your pupils a little blown and you swear if Olivia were to move her hand in between your legs she'd feel just how embarrassingly turned on you are from your kiss with her. "Babe?" She whispers against your neck, nuzzling just slightly.

"Mm?" It's the only thing you can manage, words feeling as if they're sludge in your brain. This is embarrassing, you're a grown woman with a boyfriend who- well you don't know if he still loves you but here you are making out with his costar- his friend. "'Liv?"

"I'm- Come home with me." The question is murmured as she kisses up your neck until she reaches your earlobe and nips at it.

You should say no. You should tell her that you can't because you're still with Austin and you can't betray his trust like that but didn't he already do it first? Didn't he already take home a girl and maybe he's been fooling around with other people for longer than you've cared to notice. You're- You should be allowed this.

"Okay."

[exquisitley-obsessed]

Fiancés, Firebirds, Foxes and Fawns: 2

Author: @exquisitley-obsessed​

Summary: A few weeks after Briallyn's attempt at uniting with Koschei, Lucien opens the door of Lockhart Manor to find Elain, cold from the rain and holding a note from the High Lady of the Night Court demanding her to assist Lucien in building alliances with the human councils. Forced to work together by their exhausted High Lord and Lady, Elain is able to convince anyone to do anything, while Lucien has the acquaintances to go anywhere he likes. Together, they attempt to unite the fae and mortal lands and unravel the deal made between Koschei and Vassa, while Lucien remains haunted by his own promise to Elain's father. ELUCIEN, POST-ACOSF

Pairings: Elain x Lucien, Elucien

Warnings: None.

A/N: This is going to be a long, slow burn fic (hopefully)

MY MASTERLIST

THIS FIC’S MASTERLIST

AO3

Chapter Two: Interrogations

Historically, it is well known for males to experience the mating bond more viscerally, though this is no strict criterion. For example, in the case of two males being bonded, the mating bond appears to be less demanding and settles with more ease. It is males mated to females who appear to struggle. There are many theories for this, such as male/female bonding resulting in strong offspring which drives the males to copulate. Some even argue that the male’s desire comes from the Mother’s lover himself, who’s believed to have taken fire into his soul in order to reach the Motherland and mate her, and it is a bead of this fire which awakens in males when they feel the mating bond catalysed. As such, we find there being many social customs regarding mated males, such as being wary of their ease to anger and protectiveness and their overtly increased sex drive which-

“Good book?” Feyre flopped down next to Elain, Nyx having just been placed in his cradle which appeared more like a cage given the mesh wiring over the top, ‘just so he doesn’t get any ideas about flying away’, Feyre had grinned.

“It’s okay,” Elain smiled at her sister as she marked her place and set it down.

“Oh,” Feyre grinned as she eyed the title, “Interested in the bond are we?” She was just teasing, but Elain couldn’t stop the flush in her cheeks, particularly given her recent discovery on just how, physical, the bond was.

“Well considering I do have mate, I thought it was about time I looked into it.”

“You can ask me anything,” Feyre smiled kindly. “I mean, technically you could ask Nesta too but, she still isn’t the biggest fan of Lucien.” Even hearing his name on someone else’s tongue sent a bolt of energy through Elain.

“Well, I was wondering…”

“Yeah?”

“Are they really supposed to be your soulmate?”

“Well, yes and no. That’s the problem with mating bonds, they sort of mould themselves around the two people it’s attached to. It’s different with everyone. Like me and Rhys, we have a really clear mental communication, I can talk to him even if I was on the other side of Prythian, but that’s because we’re both dementias and the bond’s playing to that strength.

“Nesta and Cassian, well, I can’t speak for them, but it seems they connect on world view. Their lives are inherently interlinked with death and that’s what connects them…amongst, other, things,” Feyre giggled, “It really is different for everyone. And sometimes, yes, the bond connects two people who don’t seem to fit with one another, like Rhys’ parents for example. I don’t know if you’ve got to this section yet,” Feyre nodded to the book, “But some see the bond as not restrained to time. That’s why you and Lucien felt the bond snap into place even before you knew each other. Some people think that when you have ‘poor’ pairings, they not really bad matches but rather, the bond saw the two for their potential rather than what they were at the time.”

Elain’s brow furrowed. She’d wanted to read the book to make herself feel better, she’d never admit it to herself, but she was somewhat looking for a big flashing sign that pointed to Lucien and said ‘He’s your soulmate! You’re a perfect match! You’ll never have to worry about be alone again!’. But reading the book had only made it more complicated. The reality was, Lucien was to have a significant role in her life, whether she wanted him to or not.

“But…I don’t know…” Elain rolled her neck, “Is it worth it?”

“Is what worth it? The bond?”

“No…well, yes. I mean,” Elain thought for a moment, “I just don’t understand how the universe could expect me to fight for someone who I don’t know.”

“Yeah, I do see how that’s a bit unfair but, do you not think the bond’s doing that on purpose?”

“What do you mean?

“Well, it looks like the bond is demanding you take a leap of faith. Giving you Lucien the minute you set eyes on him is, well, it changed your whole world, right?”

“I know,” Elain huffed.

“No, what I mean is…maybe that’s the point?” Feyre was now more talking to herself. “Maybe…” Feyre trailed off before turning and eyeing her sister up and down.

“What?” Elain implored, and Feyre just shook her head, deep in thought.

“It’s just, I’ve been trying to figure it out y’know, you and Lucien, I think we all have.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“No, it’s just, he’s…well he’s loud and flirty and he can’t shut up for the life of him, it’s why he’s missing that damn eye. And you’re quiet and shy, and you just, you care about everything but…” Feyre was grinning now.

“What?”

“No, no, never mind. I just…” Feyre only smiled wider.

“No, I’m not going to say!” And then Feyre was up, collecting empty mugs from the coffee table.

“Feyre, you can’t leave, you haven’t helped me!”

“Feyre, you can’t leave, you haven’t helped me!”

“I know, I know, look, truth time,” Feyre turned back around, her smile now replaced by her High Lady look, “You’re right, you don’t know if it’s worth it. You and Lucien might turn out like Rhys’ parents, or worse…but he is your mate, and he’s not going anywhere.”

“So, what, I just proposition him next time he’s here?” Elain sighed, running a hand through her hair, feeling the same kernel of disappointment in her gut whenever she thought of Lucien on the other side of the country, avoiding the mating bond, avoiding her.

“Or you could go to him?” Elain snapped her head to her sister, who was wearing an easy smile.

“What?”

“You could go to the human lands and stay with him and his, what’s it, ‘Band of Exiles’.”

“What, just show up?”

“Actually, it’s not such a terrible idea,” Again, Feyre was now talking to herself, “Lucien’s been struggling to get the humans on board and you, well you might be perfect for the job. You understand how humans work and you had to deal with paperwork from father, not to mention the fact that quite literally no one can say no to you-”

“Lucien can,” Elain grumbled without thinking and Feyre grinned at her with a stupid, all-knowing smile.

“Elain, if you wanted, I’m sure you could have Lucien crawling around on all fours.” Elain looked away from her sister, ignoring the fact that the image popped into her mind before she could stop it, and especially ignoring the way her whole body seemed to flush in response.

“The only problem might be getting Rhys on board,” Feyre’s mind appeared to be working a mile a minute. “With what happened with Briallyn he’s a bit more, well, Rhysand than usual. And you know how he sees you.” Yes, the big brotherly talks had been slightly more regular given Nyx’s arrival. Elain supposed it was Rhysand’s subconscious way of reaching out.

“I’ll be fine if Lucien is there,” Elain shrugged non-committedly, though something zipped the length of her spine as she spoke his name aloud. One thing Elain, and everyone else could be certain of, is that Lucien would keep her safe.

“Look at you trying to manipulate around your High Lord.”

“Not manipulate-”

“I know, I know,” Feyre grinned as she peered over the edge of Nyx’s crib. “Look, on a serious note, there is work that needs doing down in the human lands if you’re up for it. After Briallyn we need a stronger base to represent the fae in the mortal world. Some more eyes and ears wouldn’t hurt and, quite frankly, whilst Lucien knows exactly how to work a court of fae, I don’t know how well he’s faring with councils of humans.”

Elain thought for a moment, truly considering what it would mean if she were to take on this role. It would mean accepting responsibility, being held accountable if she made a mistake, one that couldn’t fixed with some new seeds and freshly turned soil. She’d be on the other side of the world, away from her sisters – away from Nesta – for the first time, well, ever.

“I…” Elain began softly, “I think I’d like to go.”

“Really?” Despite Feyre’s enthusiasm in discussing Elain’s potential in leaving, it was clear that she was still mostly expecting Elain to pass on the opportunity.

“I can’t tend to my little gardens forever,” Elain shrugged, “With Lucien there I should be perfectly safe and, well, it’s human territory. I know those lands, arguably better than you and Nesta.”

“Yes, yes, yes,” Feyre nodded furiously, though she seemed to not really be listening to her older sister, her mind was already helping Elain pack her dresses. “I’ll speak with Rhysand and sort out the particulars.”

“Will you,” Elain blushed without meaning to, “Will you warn Lucien? That I’m coming?” Feyre shrugged, a mischievous glint in her eyes.

“I don’t have to. Technically, as his High Lady I can do whatever I want, and he just has to roll with it.”

“Okay,” Elain let loose a breath, “Don’t tell him then. I’d just…I’m not sure. I suppose I’d just rather not spook him.”

“Whatever you say sis,” Feyre grinned, and Elain allowed her own lips to mirror her sisters, the excitement and reality of the adventure she was about to undertake truly setting in. Feyre turned to leave.

“Oh Feyre…let’s not tell Nesta…at least not till I’m already gone.”

***

“Hello, earth to Lucien?”

“What? Oh...sorry, go on,” Lucien muttered, shifting is attention back to Vassa whom he was supposed to be chatting to. This was their routine, when the sun finally dipped under the horizon and Vassa returned to her mortal form, she’d waltz into the manor before disappearing upstairs to change from the cloak she left out for herself into a queen’s gown. Today she’d come down wearing a deep crimson dress made of velvet, grumbling about how the storm that was currently beating against the windows, had quite literally ruffled her feathers. The evening was then to be spent in the Manor’s sitting room, sprawled on velvet couches as Jurian informed Vassa of the recent developments regarding the human councils, and Lucien told her of the fae lands.

Normally, Lucien would last till the early hours of the morning before leaving Vassa to whatever activities she wished to complete before the sun rose and her body was changed back into that of a firebird. But these past few nights Lucien had caught himself staying awake till almost sunrise, only getting an hour or two sleep before he was up again, his body alive with energy as he strode out into the woods in the early morning light.

Everything about Lucien felt unsettled and alive, and it had been that way since the previous week when Lucien had woke to his mate’s tears running down his cheeks. What could’ve upset her so badly? Had something happened at the Night Court? He would be lying if he said he hadn’t been waiting for a note from Rhysand or Feyre informing him of a terribly tragic event that had occurred when he was on the other side of the world. Even if nothing had happened, it could of, and Elain could’ve been seriously hurt. What was he doing on this side of the world? He should be there, even if she didn’t know what she wanted, at least he could keep her safe while she thought. But with no note, he didn’t know why sweet Elain was so agonisingly sad, and there was no reason besides the bond’s invasion of privacy for him to see her. But it seemed that he couldn’t relax until he found the cause of her pain. Found it and burned it to ashes.

“Lucien!”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Dinner, tomorrow evening, Nolan Manor – Mother did you get any of that?” Vassa’s eyes were light and her tone teasing, but Lucien was feeling more beast than man with his bond so wound up.

“No offence, Vassa, but I think you might be finally losing it if you think I’d be interested in dinner at the Nolan’s.” Lucien rolled his shoulders, trying to ease some of the tension as he looked back down at the book he’d been pretending to read for the past hour. He could feel Vassa’s eyes on him, assessing him as she always did whenever he came into conversation, which was far too often for his liking.

“Are you still on that?” Vassa eventually huffed, tucking her legs up under herself on the armchair. Lucien just raised a brow at her. Had anything changed? Was Graysen any less of a dickhead? If not, then yes, he supposed he was still on that.

“Our dear Lucien’s a mated male, Vassa,” Jurian quipped without raising his head from his paperwork. “It’s how these things work.”

“But it’s not really fair on Graysen is it?” Vassa flicked a fiery strand of hair over her shoulder.

“Not fair?” Lucien ground the two words out, feeling something animalistic rear its head inside of him. But beyond the primal urges of the bond and any threats to it, Lucien did genuinely dislike the boy. What he did to Elain was beyond cruel, and if he had done that to anyone Lucien would’ve still disliked the boy, granted he might not be baring his teeth at Vassa as he was doing now.

“He did give us the manor, Lucien,” the queen’s voice taunted him.

“One act of kindness doesn’t make him any less of an asshole,” Lucien’s own voice was low and daunting, as though he were daring Vassa to make another comment. Lucien hadn’t intended for his tone to turn brutal and dark, but Vassa clearly had no education in the expectations of a mated male.

“No, but he’s still the asshole putting a roof over our heads,” Vassa sighed, setting her book down. “Does it really upset you?”

“What?”

“Having him help us?”

“We don’t need his help.”

“No,” Vassa cocked her head, “But it’s certainly been of great use.”

“You like him?” Lucien spat, feeling something sour flood his gums as he pulled on his inner leash. Vassa was his friend. Vassa was supposed to be his friend, and Lockhart Manor was supposed to be the place in which he could escape from the demands of this bond.

“He didn’t do anything to me,” Vassa shrugged nonchalantly, “In fact, all he’s been to me is kind and accommodating. Why should I have a problem with him?”

“You know why.” Something feral was awakening in Lucien as he spat those three words at the queen, and in response to the autumn son’s anger, the fire flared dangerously, filling the room with the sound of snapping wood.

“Really?” Vassa’s eyes widened slightly as she assessed Lucien, evidentially amused by his grip on the chair’s armrests and the deathly look in his eye. “That girl can do this to you when she hasn’t even shown her face in-”

“Vassa,” Jurian’s sing-song voice curled into the air from where he was hunched over the worktable, signing off contracts, “Whilst it’s delicious to poke the beast, you can only go so long before it’ll bite.”

“Maybe that’s what I was hoping for,” Vassa shrugged nonchalantly as she inspected her nails. Lucien just glared into the fire, done with this conversation and done with his friends, at least for the night. Sometimes they forgot that he wasn’t like them, that he was fae, and he more or less operated in an entirely different world to them. He couldn’t blame them though, sometimes he forgot too.

Talking of Graysen had Lucien’s thoughts once more swirling of Elain. Though there was no concern in these thoughts, just admiration. He was picturing her in the cream gown she’d worn when he’d come one day to hand deliver a stack of reports to Rhysand. It was made of cotton and lace, the same hearty materials so often found in towns of Autumn. It was so unlike the favoured revealing cuts of Night Court fashion, and so Elain in every sense. The soft gold and white colours, the layered skirts and fluttering sleeves. Looking at her as she tucked herself into a small ball on a sofa, a hefty book balanced on her lap, Lucien had wished that he’d met Elain when she was human, when she was happy and content. Maybe then she would just see him for, well, him. Not a reminder of everything terrible that had happened to her.

“I’m sorry about prodding Lucien,” Vassa smiled at him, pulling him from his thoughts as her freckled cheeks dimpled. “Can I make it up to you by letting you beat me at cards?” She was baiting him, daring him to bite back that no one ‘let’ Lucien do anything but, tonight Lucien was tired. Of everything.

“I’m tapping out,” was all Lucien said in response, standing from his armchair and throwing his book down behind him. The storm was now torrential, and Lucien welcomed the chaos, somewhat comforted by the idea of lying down in the dark and listening to the rain batter against the windows as he brooded himself to sleep.

So, Lucien set off for the stairs, happy to leave his friends to themselves for the rest of the night, but he’d only managed to cross the room before a short, shy knock reverberated from the front door and sent a wave of cautious silence and shock throughout the room.

[uncurlinglikeflowers]

Queer Trauma, Coming Out, & the Long Road to Self-Love and Healing

As I’ve reflected on my past, I’ve discovered that my adolescence may be one of, if not THE most traumatic time of my life thus far as a queer person. The last few months with my incredible therapist have made me realize that the years of anxiety, panic, fear, self-loathing, confusion, and depression have scarred me deeper than I had previously thought. She also made me realize that this is at least partially because I have never really talked about it openly and in depth in a healthy and productive way before, which is what inspired me to start this blog to share my experiences with others that are currently struggling with their identity, or to allow those that are also currently healing from the trauma of their previously closeted life feel a little more seen.

I knew from a VERY young age that I was different, but didn’t know how or what it meant. I was a lonely kid for a lot of my childhood without many friends. I didn’t want to play football with the boys during recess. I sought companionship at lunch with a table full of girls more often than not, which in itself also made me feel incredibly self conscious at the time as well. 

I asked, (with incredible shame) for the “girl’s toy” from the backseat in the McDonald’s drive-thru because I loved to play with the mini-Barbies and craft entire storylines for them. They were easier to hide in my room than regular sized Barbies. I spent most summers off school alone playing video games and reading book and book after book. I didn’t really click with the boys down the street. I was obsessed with Britney Spears and the color purple. I was lonely without really knowing what it meant.

I feel as though that fear I felt in my childhood and adolescence held me back from SO much. Middle school in particular was absolute hell. I hated it. I always felt constantly insecure and uncomfortable. I had absolutely zero confidence or self love. I hated my body and how I looked. 

While other kids experienced their first relationships and first feelings of romantic love, I was convinced that it was just not a possibility for me. On top of being deeply closeted, scared, confused, lonely, and in deep denial, girls didn’t go for me anyway. I was the awkward chunky guy struggling with his identity feeling like he had to make up for it by working extra hard to get perfect grades and give himself 100% to other people. I tried not to think about it too much, but hearing about relationships, seeing people kiss in the hallways between classes, and girls talking about what they liked in boys which was the complete opposite of me... it was hell.

To make my self consciousness worse, I felt supremely uncomfortable in gym class and the boys’ locker room in particular. I was ashamed of my body and also self conscious for wanting to look at the other boys; terrified that they would catch on and beat me senseless. Hearing them consistently call each other f*g in a very VERY negative context drove me deep into the closet as the identity I already felt shame for was directly correlated with being a ridiculed outcast, and something that was inherently, disgustingly wrong and unacceptable. The worst insult teenage boys could deliver to each other in the safety of an unchaperoned locker room in a hick town often not kind to queer people or those that were different. I SO desperately wanted to fit in with the other boys instead of being any version of who I actually was.

Part of that façade of blending in with my hetero peers involved having a girlfriend for two months in 8th grade. We didn’t even kiss, let alone approach any sexual situations. I’m sure she had her suspicions. I was utterly obsessed with the concept of blending in by having a girlfriend like the other boys and just having someone special in my life, even if we really didn’t even do any couple things. 

Upon reflection, I don’t think the concept of ever being sexual with her ever crossed my mind in the slightest. Even the idea of kissing her scared the hell out of me, and not just from first kiss nerves. Deep down I knew it wasn’t right for me. Don’t EVER tell a kid they’re too young to know. Fast forward to modern times, my first kiss with a girl was with a close friend YEARS after I came out. Go figure. 

The idea of caring about and loving myself was non-existent at that time. It’s a very VERY new and ongoing journey for me. I didn’t really care about myself at all. I hadn’t learned how to. Mom was in and out of cancer treatments, and would later pass during my senior year of college and kick off my coming out process, but that’s a whole other post for another day. Spending pretty much my entire childhood watching mom deal with being sick, I didn’t want to cause my family any more discomfort. I was full of self loathing, fear, and confusion, but it seemed irrelevant and unimportant because I didn’t want to be a hindrance. 

Instead, I tried so desperately to be the perfect kid and son by befriending my teachers, being a model student, and joining band and a bunch of organizations to stay as busy as possible to stay distracted and impress everyone else.I didn’t love myself because I didn’t think I was allowed to or deserved to in my own head. While I did finally make more meaningful friends in high school, I continued to go through the motions to make my family proud to make up for the scared closeted kid who thought he had to make up for his queerness as though it were a shameful weakness, and it seemed to be the only thing that could possibly matter at the time.

Non-surprisingly, I never really knew any openly queer boys in grade school. It probably legitimately wasn’t all that safe to come out in that environment. I’ll never forget the two boys I saw holding hands in a Wal-Mart that absolutely shook up my entirely reality, because I had never seen romantic same-sex affection in person before. 

There was a lesbian couple at my school, but people said awful, degrading things about them behind their backs constantly and acted like they were the biggest freaks. Another boy in my grade in high school hadn’t come out yet officially but was very flamboyant, and thus was treated just as awful as the lesbian couple, if not worse. Other kids just regularly said despicable things about him without even knowing him at all. I even heard parents make blatantly homophobic jokes about him. 

His life had to have been hell, and as a fully out queer adult, I still regret not being able to stand up for him more. That definitely forced me deeper into the closet. He wasn’t even out but got talked about like he was some disgusting abomination. How could I ever assume that I could ever come out, let alone kiss, date, and love another boy? I HATED the idea of any attention being placed on me, so I just wanted to survive school at that point.

I had multiple people throughout high school ask me if I were gay just as though it were the most casual question rather than a triggering inquiry that sent me into a mental frenzy every damn time it was presented. Having one of the jock boys ask me such a deeply personal question in passing on the way to my seat in Algebra class was traumatizing. I of course always said no, as at the time I was still convinced it was a passing phase and that I couldn’t actually be gay. 

At home, in the days of Myspace, I got anonymous messages telling me they were pretty sure I was gay. The anonymity was arguably worse in some ways. 

At a young age, I became hyper aware of how I carried myself, talked, and acted. I loathed hearing my voice or seeing myself in pictures, for fear of sounding too feminine or standing or emoting too gay. I obsessed over the concept that boys and girls carried their books a certain way, or the boys would be labelled as queer. I was paranoid about where I shopped for clothes, the colors I wore, and the length and fit of my shorts. 

In middle school, I got a lilac colored trapper keeper for school that I ultimately had my parents take back to the store for a different one because I felt so self conscious about it all day. At home I played with my little Barbies, but didn’t dare tell the kids at school for fear of rejection and isolation. Overall, I felt grossly incompetent, irrelevant, and unimportant in my own mind. Unworthy of love and of course, deeply ashamed for my attraction to the other boys.

I never had anyone whatsoever to help guide me through the coming out process, because I didn’t know a single queer person who could. I’ve now dedicated a good amount of my energy trying to be that person I desperately could have used then for anyone else that needs that role to be filled, and for someone to tell them that someone is incredibly proud of them. An obscene amount of queer people don’t ever hear “I’m so proud of you!” when they really need it the most. 

I also didn’t have any good queer representation on TV or in movies, so I really did feel completely alone at times. Most queer characters in media existedly solely to be made fun of and mocked, ratcher than celebrated, properly represented, or God forbid, given a legitimate love story, and the public’s reaction was so frequently one of such repugnance and disapproval. 

This was also probably about the time that a close family member told me that he had punched a gay guy for hitting on him when he was younger, a story he again felt the need to share with a now ex-boyfriend and I when we were dating, as though that’s not a horrifying thing for an already scared and closeted queer to hear from their own family. 

I think during middle school in particular is when my anxiety and depression issues started, but I assumed either that I was being a baby and that my feelings were invalid, or that it was just teenage angst. The idea that boys and men should mask their emotions and feelings and feel shame rather than expressing them was, (and seemingly appears to continue to be) a very real thing in small towns and society in general. 

It didn’t occur to me at the time that I was experiencing varying levels of almost daily trauma that would fuck me up well into adulthood. If you take anything at all from this post, let it be that the conversation around mental health, (and men in particular in this instance) NEEDS to change.

Another particularly noteworthy event in my queer adolescence was when two of my friends, (both girls, shocker) discovered gay porn on my computer. While they pestered me about if it were mine while they laughed, I of course lied. I felt a deep shame and utter humiliation. On reflection, fucking IMAGINE if they had been able to be gentle and understanding with me and told me they loved me and still would even if I were gay. From then on I was terrified that they would bring that day up to our other friends as a joke. Perhaps they did a time or two, I don’t recall. These same friends made jokes about the queer kid I mentioned earlier, and both parents of one of the girls regularly gossiped and made homophobic jokes about him when I was at their house 

By the time school dances rolled around, I knew I would never be able to go with anyone but friends. Even if I weren’t still deeply closeted, I’m pretty sure my school still had pretty strict rules against bringing same-sex dates to Prom. While I definitely had fun with my friends at the dances we went to, I so desperately longed for a world where I could dance with a boy who loved me like everyone else was able to.

The loneliness and isolation I felt at the end of those nights could be unbearable because it didn’t seem possible for me, even as I looked into the future. I was fully convinced I would live a very lonely life without anyone to love me the way I craved. I didn’t belong in that world, and wouldn’t ever be set up for that kind of happiness, joy, and feeling of content. I would live for everyone else but myself because that’s just the way the world worked for us queers.

I wish I had had just one single person then who gave me full permission to be my authentic queer self on any level. Someone who could hug me and tell me life after high school and college could and would be vastly different. Someone to tell me I wasn’t an unlovable disgusting freak, but rather a kind-hearted boy who deserved a deep love someday because I was a valid and gentle soul who deserved the world. I certainly deserved more than the shame and pain that constantly haunted me. 

Maybe then I wouldn’t have thought about death before 30 so much and obsessed over it well into my college career. I might have realized that I needed to learn to be gentle with myself and take care of and prioritize me and my own happiness. So many people let me down and convinced me that I was a filthy sinner and an over-emotional kid with invalid perspectives and feelings. As most of my closest friends, (that I cannot stress enough have been the ones to save my life and encourage the authenticity that I present so proudly today) came into my life after I had already come out fully, they weren’t around during those dark early struggles. 

Sometimes as an adult I still wonder what it would have felt like and how profoundly different my life could be if someone had held me close and sincerely told me they’re proud of me for what I survived and overcame, and told me that they can’t wait to see my eyes light up with the love I’ve always dreamed of in a boy, and that I still continue to seek. 

Young, baby gay Travis would be in absolute awe if he knew what life had in store for him back then. To see a future version of himself painting his nails, wearing whatever he wanted, dancing with strangers at pride festivals, having the time of his life at drag shows with his queer family and falling in love with boys? Proudly holding a boyfriend’s hand walking downtown in a busy city? Openly telling his dad about the cute boy he’s going on a date with? Going Facebook official with a boy? Being a super vocal advocate and inspiration and mentor to not only queer family, but to people he hardly talks to but manages to influence and inspire just by unashamedly being himself? Genuinely looking forward to kissing his new husband in front of family and friends on his wedding day, knowing it’ll be one of the happiest days of his entire life? 

Holy. Actual. Fuck.

Travis of six or seven years ago wouldn’t have even dared to dream this big, let alone baby gay Travis. He probably would have been utterly mortified but SO comforted to see that future life when he didn’t believe it to be any level of possible.

I’m so fucking proud of myself for this journey, and no one will ever take that away from me or water down my trauma or the grueling work I’ve put in. Genuinely, this is the one thing in my life that makes me absolutely burst with pride. 

I think I want to learn how to keep baby Travis in mind with this pride without having to revisit the trauma in the process. Look back at him with open arms, excited to see him learn and blossom into his actual self someday. Even if he could have desperately used someone like the me I am today, he survived then, and continues to persevere today. 

He’s queer as fuck, and proud to shout it from the rooftops. He’s a voice and an advocate for the voiceless. A shining light and beacon of hope for those still navigating their terrifying escape from their closeted life. He’s going to meet a man someday and love him so deeply in the way baby Travis always dreamed of. Above all, he’s going to continue to make that little guy so incredibly proud because he knows now the importance of loving himself in the process. 

I’m so proud of that scared little boy. I just wish he could have known then how proud he would make himself one day.   

As you talk with the queer people in your life, please keep in mind that just about all of us have incredible trauma directly tied to our identities. Talk to them with love, compassion, and understanding. Tell them how proud of them you are for pursuing their own happiness in the face of oppression and rejection. 

Demand better from elected officials. Advocate for us. Shut down homophobic ideals, even if you think it’ll make your family and friends uncomfortable to hear. Support queer content, artists and creators. Be a proud ally, but don’t ever allow yourself to take the spotlight away from actual queer people or our queer spaces. Mourn, love, and celebrate with us. 

Understand why pride is SO fucking important to us, and why you never have to worry about needing your own pride events. Listen to us and love us for exactly who we are, and were always meant to be. Love is the most incredible, beautiful, and often rare human experience we’re able to experience during our short time on this planet, and it should always be celebrated.

Happy Pride!

[talkfantasytome]

Hiiii.

I saw someone talking in your last post that Azriel and Cassian had the same thinking regarding "partners" but here is the difference, while Azriel could only think about satisfying herself and while she was jealous of the mate bond, Cassian showed wanting something more from Nesta, nothing of them was just desire, he only got with her completely when she accepted him and wanted to have something with him. He had been showing that interest since ACOWAR.

Azriel had the opportunity to do that and failed, and it's not because he can't think ahead, we were in his head, it's his thought that we read that says he hadn't thought anything beyond that with her. He even fails at the moment when he should say something that connects him romantically to her, he makes it very clear that the THIRD BROTHER was GIVEN to someone else. There is no romantic code in that. Other than that the situation for both is different we never read anything about Cassian wanting to have a bond mate, Azriel on the contrary expected his and Mor's to click. Even he didn't answer about her, no thought was passed on the spot and he changed the conversation. In ACOFAS people like to ignore but his reaction when Mor walks in is of a person who still likes her.

The only people who had negative reactions to his part with gwyn were the Elriels, the rest everyone loved.

I'm sorry, but I couldn't help but comment.

It's okay, you're welcome to comment. 🙂

You're right, Cassian did show something more. There was romantic coding, there was true feeling beyond something physical, and you got the sense he did want more from Nesta than sex, even if that's all he could have hoped for that particular day. And the thoughts he has about her are about her, as a person. I pulled a few quotes that I think really represent it:

None of it had been pleasant, every syllable from her mouth barbed and vicious, and . . . Cassian huffed a breath, hot tendrils ripping away in the wind. He couldn’t tell what was worse: that he’d thought so much about it, or that he ’d run here so damn fast.

It was her words, his last interaction with her he thought about so much. Whereas Az thinks about having sex with E\ain.

Where the sound of the flames might cover their voices. Clever girl.

He observes Nesta moving them, and thinks about how clever she is for setting them up by the fire. That's an admiration of her brain, not her body. In the other chapter, Az observes and understands why E\ain is sneaking back down to give him his gift, but he doesn't admire it. It's just fact to him.

His temper rose with dizzying speed at the words, the absurd perfection of her. A blade given form—that’s what she was.

Earlier he mentions her perfect face, here he says "perfection of her"...not her face, not her body, but her. She, overall, is a blade given form, and it's perfect to him.

But he did take a step closer, bracing a hand on the mantel, and leaned in close enough to breathe in that scent of hers.

It hit him in the gut so hard he could barely focus, and it took five centuries of training to make himself meet her eyes rather than let his own roll back into his head, to keep himself poised there instead of burying his face in the crook between her neck and shoulder, to keep from moving closer, from . . . touching.

It's not her physical body, but her scent that intensifies Cassian's desire. Azriel only observes E\ain's scent once it's full of arousal, which, to him, means he can try for something. The only other time we hear about it is when he thinks about the scent of her mating bond. But Cassian, even Nesta's scent - her own, not-yet-aroused scent sends him over the edge.

And that's just from the first section of Cassian's POV.

Later, when Cassian goes to smell her neck (sounds so funny 😂), it's not her physical body drawing him in. Az's thoughts are all about E\ain's skin and neck and other physical aspects. What was in Cassian's mind before he "just moved"?

And in those blue-gray eyes, he could see the thoughts swirling in her as if they were smoke under glass. The cunning mind at work behind that face—the one he hadn’t been able to get out of his head these weeks.

Her mind, her eyes, thoughts swirling behind them. Arguably both could be seen as "physical" descriptions, and yet Cassian is still admiring something beyond that, something that truly makes Nesta who she is. Not just the body she has.

Of course, Cassian can be problematic and heavily focus on the physical too, but you see in his thoughts admiration for Nesta as a person. Not what she could be for him, but who she truly is.

(Please note that some tags are used specifically in an attempt to let audiences know general themes that may come out regardless of actual content. Just so those who don't want to see certain content don't have. 🙂)

[kyberphilosopher]

Wʜᴀᴛ I'ᴍ Tʜɪɴᴋɪɴɢ Aʙᴏᴜᴛ

“Go ahead and cry little girl... I know how much it matters to you...I'd do whatever I could do. I'd run away and hide with you.”

Word Count: 4176

“He doesn’t care what she tells him or what they talk about, he just loves to hear the sound of her voice. Even better if she has to tell him twice. On the other hand, this could insinuate that he either has a bad memory, is distracted, or is so infatuated with her he can’t concentrate on what she’s telling him.”

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

Everybody on the Mantis seemed to be filled to the brim with something that could never be alleviated. 

Things stung like a sunburn... one that was plastered to their brains and wouldn’t go away. Even when the sun would implode in on itself six billion years later, the pink marks and scars wouldn’t fade. All their problems ran so deep- arguably too deep. What could they have done but sat and waited for it to leave them?

Greez Dritus couldn’t stop gambling. The rush of it all... the chance of losing and dying and escaping it each time made him feel invincible. Even when he would lose, it felt so good. It felt right, fated. Godly, even. It nearly destroyed his relationships... almost got one of his crew members killed... but Greez had come back to save him! Not that he needed saving... but it counted for something, didn’t it? 

[It didn’t.]

Cere Junda did what she could to let the guilt go. First, she tried confronting it. Then she tried burying it down. Neither of these made her feel any better. She tried meditating, eating, starving, sleeping, ignoring, embracing, and redirecting the guilt. Anything to defer the pain, instead of accepting it. But the more Cere deferred, the more the guilt grew. And the more the guilt grew, the more Cere shrank. 

Merrin felt angry too often. Even for her own liking. It was just that, sometimes if she thought too long, or shut her eyes too tight, she could remember her childhood. She could remember being patient and small, just as willing to learn as her fellow nightsisters. She could remember that all was well. But Merrin could also remember the day the armored man came with the droids, and how she wouldn’t have to be patient until she was left alone with no one but the dead. 

And Cal Kestis... Cal Kestis might’ve had the worst of it. The man suffered of no addictions, nor physical ailments. On the contrary, in fact. His body was broad and promising from work as a Rigger. Flexible and taut. It was his mind and emotions that was couldn’t seem to function properly. 

But it was different from Cere and Merrin’s trauma. It was more intensified, focused, raw on both guilt and loss at once. Cal had been in a complete state of agony since he was twelve years old, since he had held his master’s hand while he died. Master Topal had died for him, after all. Maybe it was for the best that Cal be the one to live with the blame. 

Cal thought about this every day. He thought about what he not only could’ve done, but should’ve done. He thought about all the people he’d never be able to love again, and why he didn’t deserve it anyway. Maybe he did have an addiction. Maybe Cal Kestis just loved making himself feel so bad over something nobody but himself hated him for. 

It’s not like you were much better. 

You felt incredibly heavy with the weight of all the secrets you’d been asked to keep. Strained with all the tapestries of misery you’d been tasked to weave. You were a Slicer, which wasn’t the most morally corrupt job, but it certainly made you feel morally corrupt yourself. Because you doubled as a bounty hunter, you were forced to choose yourself over others. Usually, yourself over the people and things you were turning in. 

Once, you had sliced into a mans datapad in search of information you had been tasked with deleting. On this datapad, you found names. Names of children, anywhere between the ages of eight to sixteen, sold off into various different rings. A girl named Aheka Shyn was training to be a medic when she was abruptly kidnapped and sent off to make spice. A boy named Garreth was only fourteen when he’d been stolen from his junk home planet, instead to be sent to an Imperial fighting ring. And you had desperately wanted to send the man to the authorities, arrest him yourself- anything. But if you didn’t delete what you had found, you would’ve starved to death that night. 

So you deleted what you found. 

There were several more occasions like this, and all of them haunted your memory. You were not a bad person, or even a neutral person. You were much worse. You were a bystander, a failure, the farthest anyone could get from a hero. And you refused to blame anybody but yourself for this revelation. 

You would not hate your father, nor blame your actions or lack thereof on the issues he had given you. You would not blame your mother, your brother, your sister- anyone you may or may not have in your life. You wouldn’t blame the first boy who ever broke your heart, or the first girl who had ever let your hands wander against her for false fame. It was you, all you, and if you wanted otherwise, you should’ve given otherwise. 

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

There are a lot of people in this world, and the next, who find sex to be pleasurable. Sometimes it’s for selfless reasons, and sometimes it’s for selfish reasons. Sometimes it’s simply because it’s one of the many cures for boredom. Maybe the purpose for your particular instance didn’t matter very much. It was pleasurable for you and Cal, and that was enough. 

You’d liked Cal for a long time. It was difficult not to. First thing you knew about him was that he had a great taste in music. Second thing you knew about him was that he didn’t know when to ask and not ask questions. The third, and most obvious thing you knew about him, was that he was a good person. From anyone’s point of view but his own, he was someone to be admired and respected. His whole life, the entirety of all occupations he’d had, were based around helping others. And you knew this was further proof that you weren’t good enough for him, but that night was the night that you couldn’t resist any longer. 

Cal had given you his consent, and you had given him yours. Both of you were worn out and too honest from the events of the long day, but mentally sober enough to be clear in your mindsets. You knew what was happening. No drugs, no alcohol, no manipulation. You’d found yourself in his quarters while everyone else slept for one reason or another, and then you’d done it. 

The act hadn’t lasted long. Both of you were too excited at the heat and promise of intercourse from the time you’d gone without. Not because you couldn’t get intercourse, but because you couldn’t find it within yourselves to muster up enough trust for anybody to touch you so. But then something had snapped between you and Cal, resulting in the rather hot and aroused endeavor. 

When it was done and the finger tipped shaped bruises were beginning to form on your hips, your first clear thought cut through like a knife. [“Oh, fuck.”] It wasn’t because there was a good chance that Cal had partially finished inside of you. It wasn’t because either of you had failed to think of any quick source of protection. It was because the consequences of your actions stretched beyond the physical ones. 

Were you in a relationship now? What if you weren’t? What if you wanted to be, and he didn’t? What if he wanted to be, and you said otherwise? What if this meant nothing to him? You didn’t know if you believed Cal to be that type of person, but your work as a Bounty Slicer before joining the Mantis crew was enough to teach you to never assume anything about anyone. Where were either of you to go from here?

Cal Kestis was in no position to be in a relationship. He’d told you that tonight, not with his lips, but with his fingers. When people become intimate as you have, sometimes they manage to share more than just their bodies. Cal had managed to share with you just why and how you were wrong about his mental and emotional state. He’d revealed his anguish, his fear of losing people. He’d revealed that he was angry deep inside, that he’d had more than a few regrets in his life. You didn’t know how or why- you’d always been too respectful to ask about his past. But now you had some twisted form of confirmation.

You looked over at him, deep in thought. Cal’s skin was glistening with a thin layer of sweat as he began to regain his breath. His hair was falling in soft, orange locks by his eyes. His lashes were long and dark brown, and seemed  heavy as he blinked. You can see the old, mauve gash that stretches from his neck to his cheek like a line in a poem. 

The boy raises his veined, left hand to push his hair back. With close eyes and a heaving chest, he says, “was it alright?”

In truth, it was much, much better than alright. Maybe you had low standards for not being touched for so long, but you really believed it was fantastic. A little blurred together from the pace and the clouded mind, but unmistakable in the sensations you’d earned from it. “Yes,” you managed to reply. 

Cal sighed finally, eyes still shut. His breathing was beginning to calm down at this point, but your mind was still racing. With his green orbs still glued shut, Cal reaches his arm around you, and rolls to the side. In a fluid motion, without much effort at all really, Cal pulls you towards him until your bare back meets his bare chest. 

Cal groans lazily a few more times as he adjusts his body around until he’s completely comfortable. He falls asleep in a matter of seconds. You on the other hand, feel tired, but buzzed. Almost like your deep dark thoughts have the same affect as caffeine. 

What the hell was that? You cry out in your mind. What the hell are we going to do now? 

But, despite the thoughts that created such anguish after such a pleasurable experience, you could feel yourself sinking into Cal’s embrace. His chest was warm and inviting, and broad enough to snuggle into it at any angle. You didn’t fight too hard to keep your eyes from coming to a stiff close.

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

This brings us to now, and why you’ve only said one word to Cal since that night. 

It happened about four days ago at this point. You should’ve stayed and voiced your concerns to the boy, but you hadn’t. Instead you’d fallen into a dreamless sleep, only to wake up hours later when the Mantis shook coming out of hyperspace. Cal had removed his arm from around you and turned away, so it was easy to hop up, throw your undergarments on, and rush back to your room before anyone could deduce anything. 

It wasn’t that you specifically regretted what you had done- you liked Cal. You liked Cal a lot, actually. The night you spent pressed against him only proved and accelerated that much. But you were an observant person, and you were observant enough to understand that you might’ve just ruined everything. 

You weren’t good enough, or worthy enough to be with Cal. He wasn’t perfect, (which would bring you to your next point), but you were even farther from it. How many lives had you ruined just by trying to scrape by? Cal saved and bettered lives like it was nothing. He’d helped the partisans of Kashyyyk without asking for anything in return. He’d informed a single mother of her partners death with as much humility as he could. He’d shown enough empathy towards the Nightsister’s to make even Merrin budge. And you? You hated yourself for all the people you’d let down and would continue to let down into the next life. 

But Cal wasn’t in any state of mind to love you. He wasn’t cruel, nor manipulative. But he was damaged and scared of something that scared you more. So how was he ever going to love you? How was he going to put up with you? To take on more suffering than he already struggled with? You couldn’t do that to him, and the option of breaking your heart seemed all the kinder. 

And yet, you couldn’t bring yourself to do it. You knew the moment you would be alone with him again, it could’ve gone one of two ways. Way One: that Cal would inform you that he loved you- falsely- and you would fall into his strong arms again and repeat your heated actions. On the other hand, there was Way Two: the way in which Cal told you he loved you, but he couldn’t go any further. Then it would come to an end. Both options upset you, so you decided to freeze yourself in time. Cal could neither lie, nor harm you so long as you kept away from him. 

And, as stated above, this went on for four days. 

So, there was a build up of frustration within the walls that you’d constructed around yourself. It was a stalemate, and it didn’t take long for you to crack. 

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

It started slow- the welling of tears across your lower lash line, the flushing of your cheeks, the trembling of your lips. You tried to deny it from happening. You practically shouted at yourself not to cry. It was so stupid. So, so stupid. So... why was it happening?

It overwhelmed you quickly. Your eyes squinted, smearing the drops across your eyes and making your vision blurry. You bit your bottom lip to stop the trembling, but then your nose began to sniffle. It burned to inhale the snot again, and your lips started to quake again. You were lucky you were alone, you thought, before you let the tears fall. 

It was night. Or, as nightly as space could get, you supposed. Greez had put the Mantis on autopilot, and hyperspace was whizzing by in indigo and baby blue streaks. White stars laced by in between lines, past the glass of the windows and the metal that had created the space. 

All was asleep, except for you. So you allowed yourself to cry, but only if you held yourself to keeping the volume down. And you did. On the steps by the Latero’s terrarium. All of the seeds had grown into miniature plants and trees and flowers by now, blooming in vibrant colors of all kinds. The picture would’ve been so neat and beautiful, if not for your form shaking as you hunched over. 

You should not have slept with Cal. Did you regret it? Not exactly. But you still felt so guilty about how much you cared for him, and the knowledge that he couldn’t have actually loved you. You might not have been able to love him too. There was just so many issues that you’d been able to pick up on, especially since you’d done the deed. But Greez had his gambling, Cere had her guilt, Merrin had her anger, and Cal had... Cal had everything. Everything you had shared, every burning mark he’d left on you, it all felt false. Like maybe it wasn’t out of emotions, but a wrong idea. 

What a ridiculous thing to cry about, you thought as you cried. But you couldn’t stop. The tears were leaking from you in pearly beads, glistening and swirling with your stress. As much as you hated to admit it, it felt good to cry. You hadn’t done it in a long time, years maybe. There was more than just everything with Cal that was exiting your system along with the tears. 

It was from the stress of your father, and whatever he may or may have not done. It was from the stress of work, the stress of your past. The guilt. All of it. It was pouring out of you silently, like the way that someone wrings out a washcloth. The sounds were minimal, and if anyone woke up and heard it, it could easily be mistaken for the little critter on board eating. 

However, the person that woke up and heard the noises, didn’t mistake it for the little critter on board eating. In fact, he thought it sounded a lot like someone who was crying, or sniffling. Even if he hadn’t been so observant with his hearing, he could still sense the waves of sadness coming from just past the hallway. They echoed throughout his chest like a wind chime, rippling through him until he felt sad too. 

Cal Kestis had a habit of taking on others people’s emotions. He had, even if it didn’t always shine through, an enormous amount of empathy. He had it even for his enemies, and it was the cause of a lot of lost fights. 

The Jedi had gone to use the bathroom when his face fell. He looked to the doorway of the stairs for a while, seeing just the outline of someone from his view. He couldn’t make out who it was, but he was quick to rule out Merrin and Greez. This left Cere and yourself, but the hood of your jacket gave it away. 

Maker, Cal had to urinate. He had to go so bad. But he went to you first without thinking about it, walking carefully as if not to disturb you. His boots were dropping on the floor louder than he would’ve liked, but it must not have been too loud, since you had not ceased your depressed bobbing or turned around to face him. 

Cal didn’t like asking upset people if they were okay, because he was intelligent to understand that being upset was not equal to being okay. But his baby pink lips were already throwing the words out anyway, his voice croaking slightly from the sleep he’d woken up from. “Are you okay?” he ventured out. 

Immediately, you turned around with a jump. Your cheeks were a deep shade of magenta, eye lashes long and dark and feathery. Eyes were sparkling beautifully, but for all the wrong reasons. One of your hands hastily wiped your face, as if you had simply sneezed. But Cal had already seen it. He knew you were crying, and you knew that he knew. 

“Oh, uh, yeah,” you said as your voice cracked slightly. “Yeah. I’m good.”

“You sure?” Cal asked as he took a hesitant step forward. “You don’t look okay.”

Your eyes flitted from him to the miniature tree in Greez’s terrarium. The branches were curled into detailed little swirls, with leaves sprouting in bushes of bright and dark greens alike. In truth, craning your neck to look over your shoulder strained it for you, and looking away alleviated it just as much as it alleviated seeing the boy. “I’m cool.”

You hoped he would leave it and go away. This was a bit of a long shot, and of course he didn’t. Because Cal Kestis had a big, caring heart that was probably corrupted, but big and caring nonetheless. 

He walked nearer to you until finally another step would’ve resulted with him on the stairs too. You didn’t dare look up at him, keeping your eyes on the tree like your life depended on it. 

“I don’t think you’re okay,” Cal said in a very tired, but very soft and real voice. 

You swallowed, trying to keep the tears from falling again. Your eyes had already begun to glisten again like a threat, and your breathing was becoming shaky. But you were a big girl, and you knew you could keep it together if you just kept your eyes on the tree. Where had Cal gotten it? Kashyyyk?

“I mean maybe I’m tired but... you don’t look okay,” he continued. You could feel his soft green eyes on you as your nostrils flared with anxiety. “You don’t sound okay.”

“I’m just having an off night,” you decided to say. Which, by the way, was a safe enough thing to respond with. It wasn’t necessarily a lie- you were having an off night. But somehow it still felt like it wasn’t the truth. 

“Can you please look at me?” the boy said softly, though it felt somewhat dominant. 

Maybe if you looked at him and kept telling yourself to keep it together, you could. Maybe it would help. Like confronting a dare or showing up an enemy. Was that how you saw Cal now? An enemy?

Your knees croaked in protest as you pushed yourself off the floor. When you stood at your full height, much lower than him due to being a step lower, you lost sight of the tree. Cal’s left shoulder was in the way, covered by a black shirt and dark blue poncho. You followed the seam of it down where his collarbone would be, up the neck to where you had left a few marks, around his jaw and finally to his eyes. They were piercing and begging, and you knew at once you shouldn’t have accepted the challenge of looking into them. 

“Are you okay Y/N?” he repeats. 

You bite your bottom lip as the tears well again, telling yourself to nod yes. But for some reason, the message doesn’t get from your brain to the nerves or muscles in your head, and instead it shakes no. 

Cal reaches his arms around your shoulders again and pulls you into him until your head hits his chest. It’s a bit of a weird angle and position, but it feels nice to rest against something. He’s quick to notice your trembling and slowly eases his knees into a bend as you follow, though you’re more melting like putty. 

You start crying again right before he hits the stairs. It’s a little louder than it was before Cal arrived, but only because he knows you feel more protected and comfortable enough to do so. Still, he keeps you close as both a courtesy to others, and yourself. And it’s nice because you can see the tree again, but this time you can hear the rhythm of his heart as well. 

Both of his strong, engineer hands are caressing you- one against your shoulder and the other in your hair. Stroking softly and quietly as a contradiction to your sobs, like something calm against something wracking. 

It made you cry more when you realized how calm Cal was to all of this. He stayed steady and upright so you could be comfortable against him- you could already feel the tension forming in his back. But his eyes were closed instead of looking around awkwardly. He wasn’t asleep, but it was like his body was entirely dedicated to taking care of you in the moment. He knew how much it meant for you to cry, even if you thought the reasons were stupid and ridiculous and you’d done your best to stop it. He let it happen anyway, and he’d let it happen on him. And if you didn’t know, that’s an incredibly nice thing to do for someone. 

You felt like a little girl again, but this time it felt better. It felt like maybe someone actually wanted you to be okay. 

Cal didn’t even ask what was wrong. Not yet, anyway. He just stayed in his position, tracing loving circles into your skin without really knowing the reasons why. He cared, but not as much as he cared about you being alright first. That meant something to you. It meant that he cared about you more than whatever reasons that galaxy could come up with. It meant that he’d put you first, before logic or shadows of facts or evidence. For now, at least.

In turn, Cal wanted to do everything he could for you. He didn’t know what was hurting you. He’d ask after, when he’d whisked you off to somewhere special and warm and safe that existed just between the two of you. Like your own little planet with a thousand different rings and scenery. Because, like said before, Cal Kestis has an enormous amount of empathy, and a very big heart. 

So, you thought, maybe he can love me like I love him. 

[He could.]

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

I really came into this trying my best but then I feel like it slowly spiraled as I progressively got more tired. I always say I’ll go back and edit but then I get distracted by the Clone Wars and start something new. 

This was based of the song Daddy Issues by the Neighbourhood. I suggest listening to it. AND if there’s any other characters you’d like me to use for this song than tell me! I really like it a lot. anyway, butts. 

Taglist: @omg-we-really-doo​ @haztory​ @fanficsforheartandsoul​ [can’t even remember if you’re actually on my taglist but i just tag you in everything anyway i’m so sorry], @anakinswhore​ @chokemeanakin​ @kit-jpg​

[cto10121]

Does R&J Play With Gender Stereotypes?

So I came across this piece of meta by @hamliet that rather intrigued me:

There’s also another layer here: the imagery Romeo uses for Juliet (the sun) and that Juliet uses for Romeo (the moon) is the inverse of how imagery was typically presented in those days. The moon was feminine; the sun, masculine. Even if we look at Romeo and Juliet’s respective character traits, Romeo is the flighty, impulsive, love-struck one who cries all the time, while Juliet is the decisive, bold, and loyal one. That’s the first thing Juliet declares to Romeo in the balcony scene: that she will always be loyal, and she shows this in every choice she makes in the story.

Let’s break this down.

“the imagery Romeo uses for Juliet (the sun) and that Juliet uses for Romeo (the moon) is the inverse of how imagery was typically presented in those days. The moon was feminine; the sun, masculine.”

Romeo does indeed call Juliet the sun, but Juliet never calls Romeo the moon—or likens him with anything symbolically feminine, come to think of it. The closest she or the play gets is a small but clear association with night: Romeo has “night’s cloak to hide me from their eyes” and Juliet implores “loving, black-browed” night to give her her Romeo. Even then it is so that he can “make the face of heaven so fine / That all the world will be in love with night / And pay no worship to the garish sun.”

Instead, Juliet consistently uses the same love language of authority as Romeo does with her, calling him her lord, husband, knight, “day-in-night,” “mansion of a love,” “god of my idolatry,” and, (my particular favorite), “tassel-gentle” or “falcon.” “Pilgrim” is the lowest social rank she uses, but of course she is following Romeo’s pilgrim-and-saints flirtation and its wink-wink bilingual allusion to his name. Romeo’s use of “sun,” then, could be viewed in the context of both lovers conferring cosmic/earthly authority, beauty, ownership, and sovereignty to each other—the Elizabethan equivalent of calling each other wife/husband. And of course they begin doing that immediately after they marry.

Even if we look at Romeo and Juliet’s respective character traits, Romeo is the flighty, impulsive, love-struck one who cries all the time, while Juliet is the decisive, bold, and loyal one.

Definitely not. Romeo is plenty decisive and bold—making the first move in wooing Juliet, climbing the orchard wall, showing himself to Juliet, immediately agreeing to marry her, nearly killing himself when he thinks Juliet might not take him back and, er, actually killing himself for her. I wouldn’t say he is impulsive, either—though he makes decisions fairly quickly, it is almost always with some deliberation beforehand (“Can I go forward when my heart is here?” “Shall I hear more or shall I speak at this?” and his monologue after Mercutio’s exit) and of course there are instances in which he restrains himself (“I am too bold” and his monologue after Mercutio’s death). The most accurate description of Romeo is that he is a risk taker—at least when he is well and truly motivated. And even then it does not rob his deliberation or even his wits.

He is also not flighty. In fact, he proves just as loyal as Juliet—as soon as he meets her, he forgets about Rosaline and leaves her clear behind. He doesn’t once waver in his conviction that Juliet is for him and makes plans to die with her (and does!). His love for Rosaline is clearly framed by the narrative as shallow, performative, and passive, and the verse bears this out. He was never in any kind of relationship with Rosaline—his love was an unrequited crush that he was at perfectly liberty to have ditched, frankly. After that, it’s Juliet, Juliet, Juliet until he dies.

Also, once more, Romeo is no crybaby. He explicitly cries a total of two times—one even before the events of the play, when he pines over Rosaline under a grove of sycamore, and another when he’s 1) seen Mercutio get mortally wounded, 2) killed Tybalt, 3) learned that he is banished from the city, and 4) mistakenly believed that Juliet no longer wants him (the Nurse’s reply is vague enough to be misinterpreted); at the very least he is devastated to have been the cause of her pain. Anyone would break down in those circumstances. Juliet herself breaks down on hearing the news and arguably is more verbally vehement than Romeo—namely, that even the words “Romeo is banishèd” are worse than if herself, Romeo, her parents, and Tybalt were dead. She ends that monologue with a passive suicide threat: “And Death, not Romeo, take my maidenhead!” How anyone can argue Juliet isn’t as lovestruck as Romeo is beyond me.

What Shakespeare was most likely aiming for was showing the mutuality of R&J’s love with parallel scenes and even language. Both have chances to act strong, decisive, and bold, both show vulnerability and great emotion and passion, both are lovestruck. Both demonstrate so-called “masculine” and “feminine” traits, which is almost always culturally-and time-based, anyway. There are only a few key differences between the two—almost all of the above traits, however, they both share. It’s almost as if…Shakespeare understood that no man or woman had all masculine or all feminine traits.

Moving on to the conclusion:

In other words, Shakespeare was deliberately playing with gender and its stereotypes in the play, which gains an even more interesting layer to it when you consider that Shakespeare was himself almost certainly bisexual (his sonnets are preeeetty explicit). It’s not a patriarchal narrative; it can well be seen as a queer narrative in a patriarchal society. And it shouldn’t take two kids having to kill themselves to get society to realize how effed up it is. It isn’t an out-of-touch play, but instead one extremely relevant to our society 500+ years later. 

In other words, Shakespeare was deliberately playing with gender and its stereotypes in the play, which gains an even more interesting layer to it when you consider that Shakespeare was himself almost certainly bisexual (his sonnets are preeeetty explicit).

You just opened up 200+ years of fandom wank, OP. I’ll just do a quick sum-up.

The Sonnets are a complete mess. They are contradictory as hell, there is clearly more than one persona speaking, there is evidence that Shakespeare edited and revised them, evidence they were published with his permission, quite a few sonnets are based on pre-existing sources, and, most damnably of all, none of the most likely candidates for the so-called Fair Youth and Dark Lady fit the narrative of the Sonnets perfectly or even satisfactorily—if there is even a clear narrative to these things to begin with. Sonnets were artificial works whose clichés and conventions were heavily satirized in Shakespeare’s own works—Berowne’s own rant-y sonnet swearing he would never believe in love sonnets comes most readily to mind. They were usually not meant to denote an actual real-life relationship, although there was a kind of “game” in trying to figure out which parts are true and which ones fiction. At least one sonnet sequence had a completely fictional addressee (Fulke Greville, I think).

Shakespeare’s sonnets do break a lot of these rules and conventions, and radically, and as they seem to have been compiled over many years, they lend themselves to autobiographical speculation. But, as a bit of a poet myself, I feel this: No one writes 154 sonnets—plus a whole narrative poem!—to one lover or even multiple lovers. Poetry is much less personal than laypeople think. Outside the sonnets, Shakespeare is not linked to any man romantically, and, besides his wife, only to two women (unnamed citizen’s wife and Jane Devanant).

Even if we assume Shakespeare’s bi, though, that doesn’t mean R&J is a queer narrative, which brings us to…

It’s not a patriarchal narrative; it can well be seen as a queer narrative in a patriarchal society.

A queer narrative that has its lovers express their love through the language of heterosexual marriage (husband, lord, wife, lady, pilgrim/saint), and commit suicide by a chalice-and-blade symbolism that mimics heterosexual sex (Romeo drinking a “cup” of poison and Juliet stabbing herself with Romeo’s dagger. Freud couldn’t have done it better). If Shakespeare was thinking “gay allegory!!!” he would have had to at least change or erase the symbolism (straight coding?) of the double suicide, or have Juliet attribute to Romeo explicitly feminine imagery. He would have to have done some major plot rejiggering. He would have had to, in short, change the whole story.

(Unless by “queer narrative” you mean “anything that has an emotionally constipated male lead who doesn’t growl sexily and a female lead who doesn’t cry/faint at the drop of a hat.” That’d be most every narrative, lol.)

Also, I’m hard-pressed to think of love romances that are 100% patriarchal narratives, and those that do (Casablanca, maybe?) are not really true ones, anyway. Patriarchy inherently opposes all romances of love and sex, including heterosexual. It demands that men be raised as soldiers to kill enemies, slaughtered, and discarded, and women as chattel and land to be bought and sold. Marriage was that transferral of property. Having children is necessary, not out of love and care for them, but to propagate the species and create even more future warriors and womb incubators. It grudgingly accepts only (mostly straight and like maybe 1 or 2 gay) love narratives that can be subsumed into this narrow paradigm, but the tension of interpretation is always present. Ideally, it prefers to ignore, diminish, scorn and mock, or even suppress them. I suspect most people’s problems and discomfort with R&J stem from this pathology, this deep-seated unease over anything that touches on human experience patriarchy can’t quite control or subsume.

Shakespeare was obviously no lover of patriarchy (in his personal life, though…well, it’s debatable). His plays resist it greatly to various degrees, and R&J is no exception. R&J hews much closer to the reality of heterosexual love and love in general, which are informed by, though are not inherently tied to, patriarchy (as are gay relationships, sadly). Shakespeare is just being a good writer in throwing most of that rotten apple away; it doesn’t apply to what he was trying to do, anyway. R&J’s challenge to patriarchy, though, is heterosexual in nature.

And it shouldn’t take two kids having to kill themselves to get society to realize how effed up it is. It isn’t an out-of-touch play, but instead one extremely relevant to our society 500+ years later. 

True dat.