#anyways. im fine i guess not really idk. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

snazum · 8 months ago

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being a creative sucks never do this. (vent below sorry)

it's constant swinging of i love what i make and want to make it i need to make it now now now and FUCK FUCK FUCK MY LIFE I wna to die a little bit, everything is pain and tiring and the world sucks and why can't i just do things and im selfish and terrible and not even that good at art

#anyways. im fine i guess not really idk.#im not sobbing like i was yesterday!!! Im just tired and sick of this #aka im trying to find filming locations but u need permits and insurance of like 2mil and huh what do I even need that stuff #is someone gonna shoot me and take me to jail cause i want to film on my campus that iim not even a student at anymore #but one of my actors is and idk. i don't want to get him expelled. i don't want to get my friends fined #or sent to jail #or whatever. idk legal scares me #and maybe im just over thinking everything and hate the world and i wish i was a child with a camera again cause children can do whatever #but now im an adult with no job or schooling who just wants to shoot a silly little fan film of a fan project like idk #it feels like there's cameras everywhere and security and cops everywhere and it'd probably be a bad idea to try and film on campus #esp after the encapment fiasco from a month ago #but also i need a good industrial indoor location to film! I feel like taking photos is a different story #I feel like just going out with other cosplayers is a different story but im taking people who don't cosplay often and idk im so stressed #and anxious about everything i feel like a dog that just needs to be put down.#anyways.....#vent

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vodkaslyme · 5 months ago

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Friday Nights are so uncomfortable

#fields of mistria #player character #I know hes like everyones pookie bear but i am the one hater lol #we are not friends march your vibes are too bad your tsundere too strong #i think i just have an intense aversion to gameplay where you have to be super accomodating and placating to be respected #like why would i befriend someone that says the things March does i guess is what im saying #and unlike other characters he kind of doesnt acknowledge anything you do for the town even tho thats v specifically an issue he has w you #so theres no way to have neutral ground w him to wven begin to be his friend unless youre putting in all the effort thats how these games g #so when hes judt randomly nice to you every friday night its ssuuuuuper weird and offputting to me #like no actually my character wouldnt be fine with that theyd be really confused and weirded out #anyway March Friday Nights is an imposter idk where the real march is but thats not him

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risingsunresistance · 10 days ago

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sorry him saying he has no idea where the misogyny thing comes from when ludwig just talked about how he sent him a big apology for calling his friend a whore when it was about THE WRONG WOMAN is funny as fuck

i dont think he realizes that the reason no one gives a shit about his apologies and honestly just straight up ignores them is because EVEN IN THE EVENT THAT THEY ARE TRUE he's been proven to lie soooooo many times to the point where you really cant believe a word that comes out of his mouth. he says something and im like "damn maybe i was wrong about that one... i'll look into it" and you get more info and go "oh. he just made that part up. and misworded that. and lied about that part... oh it was actually WORSE than i initially thought!"

#im sure tommy has done some dumb shit #i am MUCH more likely to believe he can change and grow as a person than you can 🧍#im willing to stick by him and watch him become a better person and own up to his mistakes #i have been trying so hard to see the good in you for like 4 years now and i just. cant. every time i think i might be wrong im right again #i HATE to bring it back to this bc it's such a non-issue and not very relevant but #the speedrun issue really was where he showed his true colors #the actual subject here doesnt matter im talking about the way he handled it. im still pissed off all this time later i'll never get over i #he cheats. BLATANTLY cheats. gets proven. sends his mob after the mods. denies everything #hires someone with all this money he has to say he didnt cheat (BUT THE GUY NEVER EVEN SAYS THAT HE JUST CLAIMS THE GUY SAYS IT)#(BC HE DOESNT EXPECT ANYONE TO ACTUALLY READ THIS DOC HE THINKS HIS SUMMARY IS ALL THAT MATTERS)#finds out he did cheat But On Accident (supposedly)#DOESNT SAY SHIT FOR MONTHS AND LETS EVERYONE CONTINUE TO HARASS THE MODS. GEO IS SUICIDAL #and then does a stream where he's like haha hey guys so umm i did an oopsie 😝 but i didnt cheat this isnt cheating it's just. lying!#anyways it doesnt matter bc this was so fun and i had a blast making content :) and besides it isnt a big deal anyways it's just a game :)#months of harassment didnt affect ME so you should be fine :D was a lot of fun thx guys :)#THAT SHIT was where i lost all respect for him #THAT was where i saw this same pattern every damn time #doesnt matter how big or small the issue is it's the same damn thing every single time #even when you're right. you've destroyed all your credibility by continuing this behavior!#yeah you're valid in thinking tommy downplaying your videos is just mean but. frankly i dont give a fuck!#you're probably right about a few other things too and again i just dont care!! he can change and grow and you never will!!!#i'm willing to give him a chance. you've had PLEEEEENTY of chances and havent taken a single one #chat #discourse #i guess? idk this is the only angry rant i'll do. i feel bad might as well add to it lmao

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cherrymangos · 7 days ago

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whaaat. im making art with a background

#obv this is still a sketch #not happy with sol's pose but i just needed something temporary so i could draw the background around them #might move em to the right or remove the faceless and stick em on the left #we shall see #i was a teenage exocolonist #iwate #iwate sol #sol #does this count as spoilers??#i guess it is for that one ending #which was actually my first ending #im almost done with my 4th playthrough and im pretty sure im gonna get the roboticist ending this time #im hoping i dont have to date tangent to get her on the main screen #it worked for tammy so im sure it'll be fine #i like tangent dont get me wrong but she is one of those characters that i dont really feel the need to explore her romance #tbh dys is also one of those characters for me but i did it to try and get the poly with sym and fucked it up #cal tammy sym and nomi nomi are my fav characters #i still have like. half the cast unmet tho #idk who any of those are #also how TF do i get the shield calibration codes #i somehow got them on the switch but for the LIFE of me i cannot remember how to get them again #anyways. long tags #iwate spoilers #i was a teenage exocolonist spoilers #digital art #fan art #art #sketch #wip #work in progress

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girlivealwaysbean · 3 months ago

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it's not sinking in that today might be the last day in my house and town for many months to come

#like how do i even feel #on one hand im excited because like now that i finally agreed to dads stupid whims he technically will have to give in to things #ive been wanting since FOREVER like going to the gym #plus it's impossible to eat junk food when he's there he won't even let me kacchi maggi because maida hai bimar ho jayegi #and aadhe se zyada din toh pyaaz ye sab nahi kha sakte so it rules out any outside food #which is so good because like i just found out im pre diabetic lol #like borderline sugar like ab kuch nahi kiya toh seedha type 2 diabetes #so i need to eat healthy or ill literally die #i mean eventually but whatever being diagnosed with this in my 20s would kill me #also simply the fear of living with him is so much that i HAVE to study #and i want to now it's high time #but yeah want doesn't really work for me #i read a quote somewhere that 'goals' don't mean anything because winners and losers have the same goals #and i was like WOAH. like the person who gets an all india rank had the same goal as me: to pass the exam with good marks #but they succeeded and i didn't so it's isn't our goals that differentiate us #which ik is obvious but like still idk put things in perspective #anyway yeah that way my life MIGHT be fixed #but there's also living ALONE with my sociopathic FATHER who has more mood swings than me on pms #and being cut off frm the rest of civilisation and yk developed roads and buildings and ice cream shops #i guess it is mostly food ig :( which is good like the most junk food i can eat there is a burger from a nearby stall and that's pretty #much it they literally do not even have havmor or anything in walking distance forget scoop wali ice cream #but i like my bed and i like my ceiling with the stars and i like looking out of my window and knowing that the first ever crush of my life #lives right next to me and i like knowing that ill meet my bestfriend atleast once a month #i don't really love my mom or my brother tbh but idk maybe ill miss them it's weird ive never lived without them #i don't know i really hope that this is like a boot camp kota types experience rather than so much isolation that i sink deep into #depression. but then ive hit pretty shocking lows this year so hopefully i can handle it #my sister did say that when she lived alone with him for a month it was quite peaceful and okay because he usually gets more angry when mom #is around warna mostly he's fine #i don't know i don't know bhagwan ji please ab aur mushkil mat banana life bohot jhatke de chuke ho already ab pls #mujhe apni galtiyo ko sudharne ka mauka dena 🙏

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kaiserkisser · 4 months ago

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can someone nice (!!) please please please adopt me im begging you im requesting you (huge word vomit and vent in tags, pls dont read if u dont want to!! and if you don't want this stuff on this blog PLS lmk!! i dont wanna make anyone uncomfy! )

#tw vent #yes ik i have a vent blog #but idk why i dont wanna go there #ill prolly delete this in a while + if i vent here (which ill try not to) ill always tag it #but if any of yall aren't fine with it pls do lmk!!! ill stop <3 #Anyways.#fucking hell i hate this.#dude #i very specifically told them to hurry the fuck up THEY were the ones making us late #i have told them a hundred times the minimum time i jeed to get ready #i told them this morning too that you guys make us late then put it all on me #nad she went like oh no dear dont worry that wont happen #WELL GUESS WHAT BITCH #and like the lecture and huge ass scolding and then cold shouldet ive been getting from BOTH of them before i left for coachinh #im just tired atp #idk its not even that big a deal this happens everyday #i dont know how to feel #idk if im even rly feeling anything atp #its just that i really fucking hate being here #I wanna get the fuck out #but thing is this makes me feel kinda guilty occasionally #for eg a few days ago i was rly sick and she took care of me kinda #and then that made me feel bad for hating her #but then things like this happen and i cant help it and i feel so conflicted #i dont want to stay here i know that for sure but i feel guilty for it #if i speak im being rude and backtalking #if i dont speak im being rude and ignoring #the fuck am i supposed to do????#she always tells me to 'stay silent and just hear it'#and when i do that she keeps shouting again and again and finally i say smth bc although its extremely fucking dumb of me to open my mouth

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scattered-winter · 5 months ago

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its wild just realizing how much people have done and experienced and how prepared they are for what's to come when i am . very much not . lmao

#having my daily ''oh my god i need to change my program'' crisis #its just idk . i feel like im woefully underprepared for doing any of this kinda stuff when everyone around me already knows #what theyre doing and what they wanna get out of it. idk.#and i have a slightly better idea of what i want to do but i havent figured out how im gonna get there.#and idk.#we were talking about what we want to do with this line of study after graduating and the only thing i could think of #was that i didnt choose this specific field because of what it had to offer #i chose it because it was the easiest way to get out of the situation i was in for a LOT of fucking reasons #and now that im out i guess i can start thinking abt what i really wanna get out of all this. idk.#probably gonna need to wait till next semester anyway but thats fine. ive been waiting for this for 20 years i can wait a little longer #but idk i guess its just a little frustrating feeling so Behind everyone else.#but i guess this is what happens when u pack ur whole life into 2 suitcases to escape a high control cult. who knew!!!#its time for dinner and i crave my daily portion of chow mien. and then i will watch show 3 inches from my computer screen so i can see.#winter speaks #overall i am vibing. a little frustrated with myself but it cant be helped. i am vibing :]#personal

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torahtot · 1 year ago

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ok ive had enough of queering judaism. can we start judaizing queerness now. or something

#like. it feels like so much of this queering judaism shtus just layers an american/secular queer identity over judaism #which i guess is fine for certain communities. but it's only going to push you away from orthodoxy #and if as queer jews we already feel like our queerness makes us into secularized outsiders in our own communities #how does this help? is trying to get our communities to embrace an essentially secular american iteration of queer identity supposed to mak #us feel LESS like outsiders? it's not quite doing it for me #we need a queerness that comes from within judaism that is essentially jewish #ive seen a couple of articles recently from ppl talking abt how word/concept of butch doesnt exist in their language & culture #but they use it anyway #& like. i love being butch. it's important to me ill never give it up #& i am american too. but my whole identity as a butch he/him lesbian is exclusively secular american it came from the outsifr #which is definitely due in large part to the fact that my Gender Problems were really tied up w orthodox jewish gender roles #so naturally to get out of that i'd pull on something not jewish. but i wish there was another option? idk if that's possible #or how it would look #maybe that's why im obsessed w the idea of a butch w long curly payos.... 😦#i forgot where i was going w this but yeah it's frustrating #this is a large part of why im wary of starting a queer Jewish club on campus bc the people who would wanna start it w mr #well no offense but they are insufferable about this #(incidentally they're also insufferable about chanukah. no surprises there)#op #jew blogging #others have Actually written abt all this tho

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anxiously-sidequesting · 1 year ago

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So I don't know if it was ever revealed how Duncan felt when we killed Malistaire all three times but I'm wondering if maybe some part of him could hate us for that too. Like you hear that and you go "but why. Malistaire was terrible and even Duncan knew that(?). Why would he hate you for getting rid of him."

But like I think it's so....... interesting in a very, very, very sad way how Duncan so easily latches onto anyone who directly feeds into his delusions of grandeur. And that's no fault of his own that he was manipulated by the nasty Schism but when you think about how desperately clung to the idea that Malistaire, easily one of the greatest necromancers any of us had ever heard of (at that time), somehow actually recognized Duncan's talents (even when canon supports that Duncan wasn't all that talented, at least no more than the next necromancer) and then praised him for it so often that Duncan believed that he would be the next Death Professor is. I mean ☹️

So like with that mindset I unfortunately feel like it would be quite easy to twist even Malistaire's death as something that's horrible and awful and all our fault. ESPECIALLY if the Schism was feeding into Duncan's already broken mind and shattered ego and was constantly telling him that everything bad that ever happened to him ever in his life was Our Fault. That's like a realistic conclusion that someone like Duncan could come to

And like, at this point in time, are Malistaire's crimes even a factor in how he thinks????? Was Duncan ever able to separate Malistaire's talent and skills and prowess from the terrible and awful things he did? If Duncan wasn't able to consciously tell that distinction in the first place I can't imagine it would be any better during the years he was being manipulated and isolated and lied to

Like in Duncan's mind it probably isn't, "maybe I shouldn't idolize a national criminal, or idolize anyone at all for that matter, and aspire to be like someone so harmful when I can recognize my own talent and build from there" it's probably more like, "you (the wizard) permanently got rid of a brilliant mind, an innocent person who just made a few mistakes, and someone who believed in me no matter what just so that you could be the better than me and loved by everyone else" and that's! very sad actually!

#this is all speculation btw idk if any of this is canon. how duncan feels about all this #i know i keep saying the exact same shit over and over but.... really not a fan of how the game handled duncan! sorry!#i know wizard101 isnt supposed to be about every single character gets a satisfying ending to their arc-#-meaning not everyone in the story will face consequences and/or find a happy ending and like thats fine they dont need to #but idkkkk its just imo really sad how essentially a kid suffers frrom something he cant control by himself (his ego)-#and then instead of getting help he is instead ignored (ambrose) and then manipulated and brought up by a cult #and then when it becomes super apparent how... TERRIBLE his life really is and we defeat him he just... goes back??????#we.... we LET him go back???? i mean we're not responsible for other people's bad decisions or mental health but bro....#and then when we tell ambrose he's just like “oh. too bad. well anyways-” AND IM LIKE WELL THATS THE REASON!!!!! NO WONDER HE'S FUCKED UP #NONE OF THIS IS ADDRESSED. NONE OF IT. WE KICK DUNCAN'S ASS AND THEN HE.... GOES BACK TO THE CABAL #i literally just got so desolate when (wallaru spoilers) because. okay. all that for nothing i guess #this isnt me being mad btw LMAO i know the tone probably reads as angry but im not im just disappointed #and tired. what is it with wizard101 in particular and just people suffering with no end. (me as i make my main suffer with no end)#but anyways yeah duncan has been in my head for a while. he's one of the guys that i love a lot BDKSNSKAJ #he's like a son to me and HE NEEDS A HEALTHY PARENT. HE NEEDS IT #not excusing his actions btw. he still committed crimes JRKDJSIEJ #i just have a soft spot for those villains in media who are doomed from the start yknow. (stares tearfully at morganthe and gf spider)#wizard101 #wiz101 #w101 #text posts #duncan grimwater #im not normal about duncan at all he's probably the wozard oc i feel for the most other than malorn and us

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kohakhearts · 10 months ago

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theres a really. special kind of despair in the uncertainty brought about by moments of success and achievement. the inevitable “what now” of reaching your goals. and i kind of wish someone had warned me how hollow graduating university would feel, tbh

#taylor.txt #im miserable primarily for other reasons right now but i dont think i appreciated how much this just…wouldnt feel like anything #i think especially in my case as someone who so desperately needed ‘going away to college’ to get out of my childhood situation #and now for the past 5 years everything ive done has been for the purpose of getting my degree and finishing school #like im fine i guess i just kind of wish i could feel proud of myself or happy its over instead of like dreading the ceremony and feeling #like everything i have to do for grad is just one more thing i have to check off a list. getting my grad photos done felt nice but idk #it kind of feels like no one really cares which. idk why i would expect it to NOT feel that way. but yeah #tl;dr im around Kinda…need to finish stuff up but im over the really busy part of this all. kinda just coasting to the end here tbh #when this is over i’m gonna get to my request fics. prommy. wanted to do them over the long weekend but i was sick :(#anyway like to be clear im fine. people have been pointing out today i seem down and i think embarrassingly a collection of my students #noticed me crying on the bus today but thats life i guess you make do. im sad and thats ok. tbh

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xamaxenta · 9 months ago

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Kind of whelmed

#isgh. like i dont try to dwell on it much #but i really am so incredibly envious of people who have good relationship with their parents #i havent had a good relationship or trusted mine since i was thirteen #NC is great its fine im doing great #but mentally theres a part of me that cant get over it its fucking ass lmao #an extremely childlike part of me that really needs an older person to tell me its ok???#i guess?#dont really have anyone like that #so i exist as i am and i hold no love for myself and i hold too many expectations #and im like does this make me happy or accomplished?#idk #not really #not really so why do i have the expectations in the first place #its a disgusting culmination of identity crisis and lack of self esteem/love idk #augh.#i just want to be a little beast #like bog witch turns me into a frog kind of thing id be so happy #maybe #anyway thats dramatic its nothing important #ill put it away and think about it again in like four months time

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dontfindmeimscared · 9 months ago

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I'm pretty new to coding but I made a number guessing game instead of sleeping and i've just been sititing here for an hour staring at my computer screen and guessing numbers :]

#wanna make more games like this #i actually really like coding #its a lot of fun #im not the most... succinct at it?#i had a class on it this year #and my code was super messy #trying to work on that #BUT THE NUMBERS #THEY WORK :D #i get so hyped when i can actually guess them lmao #decided im gonna try some projects for fun over summer so ill see how that goes #pretty happy that i got it to work #only really needed some help with the maths import stuff :/#but idk how logs work anyway so thats fine

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seventh-district · 14 days ago

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sighs and collapses and disintegrates into the wind