#anyways this is more rendering practice than anything else

[icyminghao]

look at me

pairing: jeonghan x gn!reader genre: fluff, some angst(?), college!au warning(s): none word count: 1.2k

summary: you’ve been noticing that jeonghan never fails to maintain eye contact with everyone he converses with. everyone but you, that is.

In your past year of interacting with and being around a certain Yoon Jeonghan from Mass Communications, you’ve noticed that he loves eye contact.

He maintains intense eye contact in every conversation, one that would definitely render you speechless had you been the receiver of his undivided attention.

Which is why this whole… thing has increasingly become evidence of Yoon Jeonghan’s possible dislike towards you.

From what you’ve noticed, Jeonghan holds eye contact with everyone he’s speaking with, but not you.

You’ve tried asking his best friend, Jisoo, if he’d experienced something similar and whether it was normal, to which he’d just let out an awkward laugh and told you to “Go ask him yourself”, much to your dismay.

But then again, you’re probably overthinking. Right?

“What are you thinking about?”

As if on cue, Wonwoo shows up at just the right time to ground you before you start spiraling down a rabbit hole of self-doubt.

“You know what I’m thinking about,” you sigh, sending Wonwoo a tight-lipped smile.

“Jeonghan again, huh?” Wonwoo chuckles, eyes trailing after the man of the hour from across the bar, having the time of his life with his two best friends in tow. Beside you, Soonyoung nearly spits out his drink at whatever had just come out of Wonwoo’s mouth.

“Yoon Jeonghan? y/n, you like—”

“Soonie, no!” you lightly hit Soonyoung on his forearm, and he dramatically winces in pain like you’d just delivered a killing blow to his arm, “I just… think he doesn’t like me.”

“What? Why? He’s—”

“It’s stupid,” you cut Soonyoung off before he can complete his sentence. Soonyoung simply stares at you, and you sigh.

“Well, um, you know how he always maintains eye contact with whoever he’s speaking?” Soonyoung raises an inquisitive eyebrow, but nods anyway, prompting you to continue, “I’ve been realising recently that he just doesn’t seem to want to look at me every time we talk.”

An eerie silence engulfs the three of you, and you can almost hear the gears turning in Soonyoung’s head, making you all the more insecure.

“Let me get this straight,” Soonyoung speaks up after what feels like a long while, holding back laughter, “You think that loverboy over there doesn’t like you because he refuses to make eye contact with you?”

“I told you it was stupid!” you groan, resting your head on your hands, “Wonwoo, help me here!”

“Well, it is pretty stupid,” Wonwoo shrugs, patting your back in an attempt to comfort you.

“He doesn’t hate you, y/n,” Soonyoung pipes up, practically exploding from where he’s seated. “It’s quite the opposite, really-”

“What’s quite the opposite?” you remove your head from your hands to be greeted with the sight of Seungcheol coming up to stand in front of the three of you, Jeonghan and Jisoo in tow.

“Hyung! My man,” Soonyoung raises his voice in excitement, and you wince a little at the sheer volume as they both greet each other with a hug.

As usual, Jeonghan’s eyes are trained on anything but you, and you can’t help but notice that he’s being a little more fidgety than usual, bouncing on the balls of his feet and playing with his fingers all while Seungcheol and Soonyoung are quite literally acting like nobody else is around them watching their interaction.

“Anyway, we’re here because Jeonghan… has something to say to y/n,” Seungcheol turns to us and explains with a teasing lilt in his voice, and Jeonghan’s cheeks darken ever so slightly under the dim lighting of the club.

“He does? That’s literally such a coincidence, we were just talk—”

“Let’s go, Soonyoung, I just saw Jihoon over there,” Wonwoo cups a hand over Soonyoung’s mouth before he can complete his sentence, practically dragging him away from the conversation.

Seungcheol and Jisoo, too, bid their awkward goodbyes, each lightly punching Jeonghan on his shoulder before leaving the two of you behind. Alone.

For awhile, the two of you simply stand there in silence, and you can only hope and pray for the ground to swallow you whole.

“Um—”

“I have nothing to say to you.” Jeonghan cuts you off as you speak, and your eyes widen a little at his cold tone.

“Oh, I—” you shrink into yourself, willing yourself to stay calm.

“No! Wait, I meant—” Jeonghan leans forward, taking a deep breath, “Seungcheol and Jisoo put me up for this for no reason.”

“So it’s a joke?” you scoff, raising an incredulous eyebrow at Jeonghan as the embers of rage grow inside of you.

“No! I—” Jeonghan’s eyes widen, immediately shaking his head to refute before you cut him off.

“Do you hate me, Jeonghan?”

“What? No, I- I don’t hate you, y/n,” Jeonghan runs a hand through his hair, frustrated, “Why would you think that?”

“I don’t know, you refuse to look at me every time we talk, and now you’re- you’re doing this and making me confused and- I don’t know what to think, Jeonghan.” you bite back, growing more and more annoyed by the second

“Look, I-” Jeonghan pauses, seemingly trying to gather the right words, “I don’t hate you, y/n. I could never.”

You open your mouth to reply, but Jeonghan holds a hand up, continuing, “I’m just— I usually know what to do, okay? Usually, it’d be the other way around, and you’d be the one as flustered as I am right now, but you’re- you’re different. I’ve… had a crush on you ever since we met through Wonwoo and I just… couldn’t hold a conversation with you long enough without chickening out and just ended up trying as much as possible not to interact with or look at you so I don’t make a fool of myself and I guess… you saw it as me hating you and no, that’s not true, it’s far from it even, I—”

Jeonghan is cut off as you lean forward to press the tiniest of kisses on his lips to shut him up, and his eyes widen in response.

“I like you too, Jeonghan,” you flash him the softest of smiles, and he just looks right back at you blankly, still trying to process what had just happened, much to your endearment.

“You… do?” you nod. “But… I was so horrible to you.”

“You didn’t mean it, did you?” you reply, and Jeonghan shakes his head immediately. “I didn’t, but—”

“Well, then, you could make up for it by taking me on a date,” you cut him off, surprising both him and yourself at your boldness. Jeonghan flashes the cutest shade of red, before nodding determinedly.

“We should get back to the boys,” wrapping your arms around Jeonghan, you start leading him towards where the boys have gathered from across the club, filled with newfound hope for your blossoming relationship with Jeonghan, “They haven’t stopped looking at us since they left.”

BONUS:

“And then he told me to— Hannie, why are you looking at me like that?”

“Like what?” Jeonghan simply chuckles from beside you as you pause your rambling, furrowing your brows at him.

“You’re staring. What happened to refusing to look at me, hm?” you lean towards him, taunting.

“Well, that made you think I hated you, so I’ve gotta ramp up the eye contact to make sure you know how much I love you, babe.” Jeonghan leans forward too, resting his forehead on yours.

“You’re so cheesy,” you lightly punch his chest, giggling.

“Only for you, babe.”

a/n: hi i’m back! i hope this was okay, i struggled with jeonghan’s characterisation but i thought a flustered him would be cute ><

taglist: @xomingyu @pepperonidk @belladaises @tastymintchocolate @dahliatopia @kwantaro @chanceonceli

masterlist

[jolalibrary]

Hi Jo! Love the idea of #mmvalentinesevent! Could I please request Ghost x Rain, and specifically Rain freaking out because Ghost was reckless and risked his life for a USB? Was that when Ghost fell in love? Happy Valentines xx

retrieve it.

simon ‘ghost’ riley x f!reader (rain!reader)

an: a huge thank you to @ave661 for allowing me to use this beautiful image. i’d written the scene, seen the render, and it was like two worlds colliding in the most brilliant way. thank you, i adore you

wc: 1.6k | an: no warnings, little anxiety/worry. i changed the prompt a little, as i wanted to do them established already for v-day ♥️

It mirrors it. The mission that first made you realise you didn’t just admire him, but had feelings for your lieutenant.

It was the one that haunted your nightmares, more so now, than it had done at the time. The one which shattered your small world, making it hard to think of anything but him.

He almost became a ghost. A real one.

Something he knows, but won’t admit. Likely knowing there are more times than he can count where it’s been that close or worse.

And you should be listening as Price gives the rest of them a role, a part to play. You don’t hear him, don’t even take the file from the table. Everything was the same, anyway.

You’re with Soap. You’re the one staring down the scope—you’re the one protecting his six. You’re drowning, dazed…

Words are simply circling, but not sinking in. Your nose heightened to his deodorant suddenly, to the way his skin smells when you’re nose is pressed against his chest. You’re not even close to him. But your body reaches for him, clings to him—attempting to smother the building worry:

People aren’t that lucky.

He’d walked from it last time—fire whipping around him, scorch marks having kissed his clothes and exposed skin. It’s not that you ever focus on, but the minute that felt like an hour when he wasn’t responding. When his radio crackled, and you realised that you liked him—that you cared, that you—

You’re panicking a whole metre away from him. No way close enough for him to tell. But he does. His eyes lock with yours under the balaclava, digging his pupils into your skin: I’m here, I’m here.

But for how long?

They all tease Soap for being the first to rush into danger, to throw himself on the grenade. But, Simon isn’t that different. He’s more methodical, having likely come to a calculated conclusion rather than reactionary, but he still throws himself against danger. His isn’t to be a hero, but to pay a due—one he doesn’t even owe.

It’s why you keep replaying Price’s words from minutes ago—

We can’t fuck this. Ghost. You’ll b’going in alone, y’retrieve the USB…

Price knows he’ll do it. Knows without fucking question. It almost makes you a little mad at your captain.

Because Ghost will pull apart buildings, rip through people, and willingly throw himself into flames for the mission—for the cause.

It’s all you can think of. It’s all that plays in your mind. Untangling and tangling again, like a pair of headphones which have been in your pocket for too long.

“Meeting adjourn—“

You’re out of the room before anyone else. Your boots slamming and echoing down corridors, t-shirt suddenly too tight, belt too restrictive…

Panic.

That’s what you feel. It makes your arm throb, it makes the scars littered along your skin burn. It makes you want to claw—practically consuming you. Filling you from the ankles to your forehead, suffocating you, wrapping its hands around your heart and lungs as it squeezes and squeezes and—

You almost slam through the door. The one which leads to an empty room—a former office. A desk and a chair are all that remain as evidence that they belonged to someone once. A desk and chair you and Ghost have made use of when you truly need time alone—no interruptions, no risk of being caught.

You could seat yourself in the chair, but you slide onto the desk. Pushing your back against the jagged brick, letting your feet hang, moving them forwards and backwards.

Calming.

It works, sometimes. Roots you. You trying to keep yourself level-headed. Breathing in and out, trying to stuff it all down, and yet, you’re failing—badly. Mind tumbling, falling aimlessly through your neck, chest and stomach.

You can’t lose him.

It’s what builds inside of you, occasionally being drilled like a woodpecker against your skull. You had thought the same then, and didn’t—hadn’t. But, the helplessness never eased, even when he held you close. The emptiness you felt, when he entered the building, but took so long to come out.

That same emptiness has worsened over time, developed into something thicker and harder to ignore. It multiplies, in the same way, your feelings for him have.

Rain doesn’t wash away ghosts, but it falls similarly to how you have for him. Quickly, significantly. It sits on your chest when he stares at you in silence, when his calloused touch brushes over your cheek, softly, intimately.

None of them knows.

None of them would have even considered that you love him, and that he… feels something close to it. They don’t know. None of them understood the anger he felt when your arm was dislocated; none of them comprehended why anger had burst out of you when he was nearly shot because of shoddy intel.

They don’t know, because they don’t have it: a secret which erodes in your chest, one that makes it hard to think. You sigh, and then you hear it—footsteps, one’s which seem to slow your pulse back to a regular rhythm.

He always has that effect on you. The same as he always finds you.

It almost makes you wonder if he’s akin to a heat-seeking missile. Never missing, never too far away from locating you. You’d ask him, whether he had a sixth sense, but you’re not sure you can talk.

Ghost says nothing as he steps in, but he’s rolled his sleeves up. His ink and veins on show as he walks towards you in silence, the door meeting the frame the only thing to shatter the quiet.

Before he came to your home, Ghost stalked towards you. Since then, he walks. Each movement he does towards you is more rounded, less jagged.

“In and out.”

He says it so confidently you snort. He’s always confident—it’s Simon who isn’t.

Ghost is clinical, emotionless, and withdrawn—and rightly so, for the things he’s had to do. It’s Simon who can’t consider the possibility that someone is waiting for him—the former not allowing himself to consider he’s worth it.

“Rain.”

You lift your chin at your callsign, finding him standing in front of you. His bare hand slowly slid over your knee, your legs parting—just enough to let him move a little closer.

It’s gentle, almost confusingly so. The two of you rarely share these moments, the quiet ones, the ones where so much is said, but with eyes and softer gestures.

You focus on the scratch fabric of his trousers catching on your inner knees and thighs as he steps between your legs, nudging the desk you’re placed on.

He says nothing, and neither do you.

A flash of memories fluttering like the wings of butterflies: him at your one-person table, him in your bed—your sheets; him finding you in the showers, him bringing you a can of Coke… just because.

It’s his palm sliding up the outside of your thigh that makes you really meet his gaze. Not afraid or ashamed of the tears brewing in them, your lips parting, but the words don’t fall—don’t roll from your tongue…

I need you alive. I need you.

Your hands, though, take hold of his top—burning the words as hard as you can into the fabric, hoping he hears you. Not sure if you can spit them out. Even if your heart is bellowing it, furiously banging on your ribs to get him to hear you.

“It’s not like then.”

“No?” you murmur.

He shakes his head, silent, but direct.

“You’ll do anything to finish a mission.”

He nods, tracing a circle on your outer thigh, making your skin tingle. “I will.”

“You… you put yourself in danger, and… I admire it, fuck I love that about you, but…”

“I have you.”

You feel your brows furrow before you’re even sure you hear him. His words smothering the ones from Price—the ones which hadn’t dislodged for prayers or hopes. Only him.

He swallows, lifting his other hand to your cheek, holding your eyes on his. “I have you, and you like me alive.”

You bite the inside of your cheek, sharply. Nodding softly against his palm as he sighs.

“In and out.”

“In and out.”

He gives a curt nod, slowly lowering his forehead against yours, fingers strumming your thigh and your cheek.

“Plus, your scope will b’on me,” he gruffly whispers.

“I-It will.”

He strokes his thumb over your chin. “Then I’ll be fine.”

You hate his confidence, the pressure which falls in flecks onto your shoulders.

“No one I trust more to have my back, Rain.”

“You’re just saying that—”

He lifts his head, tilting your chin up, staring down into your soul through the blacks of your eyes. “Not to you. I never say… not to you, alright?”

You nod, rolling your lips as you sigh. Unsure whether you should say it, let the words kiss the air, until they fall from your tongue all the same—

“I love you alive, Simon.”

His eyes widen at the chance in word. The noticeable difference from like to love.

Your hands balling up against his clothing, his hand gripping your thigh. Perfection. That’s what you think as you hold on for as long as you both can, making sure he knows you mean them. Your words.

Then you feel it, his heart hammering more purposefully against your wrist, as you clutch onto him a little tighter.  

And then, he lifts the fabric from his chin, letting you see soft pink and stubble, before he kisses a reply against your lips, over and over again.

One which burns in all the right ways; one which you carry with you, as you make sure he’s safe as you stare down the scope.

[pinkaditty]

Pervert Pt 3 (Newspaper Club; Obey Me!SWD)

ohhhh my GOOOOOOOOOOOD i finally did it. it's over it's over it's over i did it i did it everyone enjoy this. holy shit

a/n: PERVERT PART THREE AS PROMISED WOOOOOOO!! i finally finished i promised id deliver and here we are!! some of these may be out of character because im slightly unfamiliar with these characters BUT i hope you all enjoy regardless. please let me know if you enjoyed! next, im working on all these asks that keep pouring in...

cw: fem!mc (undergarments such as bras and panties are mentioned, but mc could be a crossdresser), fem undergarments, perverted behavior, underwear stealing, etc. let me know if i missed anything!

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT, AS USUAL. PLEASE RESPECT MY BOUNDARY.

Mephistopheles:

He immediately startles and drops the panties to the floor. His lips twitch downwards into a frown and his gloved fingers curl into fists. His face burns red with embarrassment. Poor guy. The richest, most prestigious, most prominent noble of the entire Devildom, known for keeping his cool and being as haughty as a King… is frozen in place, here, watching you with wide eyes, after being caught rooting around through your laundry, for what anyone could assume were less than pure intentions. 

It’s not a very good day for him.

If he wants to say something, he can’t. You watch as his mind spins, trying to come up with a notable retort, but you are both well aware that by the time he does, the tremendous pause in your discussion, already quite long and stifling, will have rendered it useless. You are both at a standstill, you clearly with the upper hand. But you know Mephisto, and how he’s not one to back down. But it’s not like you will, either. 

When you take a step towards him, he jolts back, broken out of his frozen trance. He sputters indignantly, desperately coming up with something to say in response.

“F-First of all!” He’s practically spitting the words out at you, furious red blush across his face. You wait for him to speak, but he appears to have trouble getting anything out. All that he can get out for a few moments is nothing but false starts, angry sighs, and mortified groans. Then, he finally speaks. “If you so much as mention this to anyone else…!” 

You want to say he’s already bluffing without hearing the rest of his threat. What could he do to possibly save his reputation from such an incredible embarrassment? He’s far too honest to paint you as a liar, and far too kind to blame you, anyway. If anything, the only thing he would do is refuse to admit the truth and never speak of the topic. Which, honestly, was probably the best that could come out of this… If he was willing to leave it behind, at least.

You were admittedly more curious about what drove him to this level. He had never been too slow to show his obvious disdain for humans, especially you for your closeness to Diavolo. He was plenty kind, but he wasn’t nice, and that was that. So, after showing nothing short of polite dislike for you… What was he doing here? Part of you almost couldn’t believe it. The human hater himself… chasing after a whiff of human pheromones? Sexual ones, at that?

You only realize he was lecturing you on keeping quiet when you return from your thoughts. 

“-And quite frankly, I believe you owe it to me to keep quiet. It’s not every day I open my doors to anyone - a human, no less - and allow them to stay temporarily simply because the demon lost his temper.” He turns away and huffs, crossing his arms. In his rambling, his blush had significantly lessened, and his embarrassment faded. “I am only doing this for the sake of Lord Diavolo.”

Yeah, right. 

You decide to be teasing. The amused expression on your face turns into a questioning one, eyebrow raised and lips quirked downwards. “Which part are you doing for Lord Diavolo’s sake? Taking me in or stealing my intimates?”

He sputters immediately at your question, looking at you incredulously. “I-!” He starts, and you can almost tell he was going to say something along the lines of ‘I beg your pardon!’ and then realized he was in no position to say such things. “You…!” He points at you, as though to get a point across, then falters and retracts. He is visibly fuming, clearly very angry that he is unable to get a proper retort out. It takes everything in you not to laugh at him. “Ugh!” He turns on his heel and begins to walk away, and almost manages to, before you toss the panties he dropped right at the back of his head. He stops in his tracks, curling his hands into fists at his sides. He is absolutely seething, and you can tell. He plucks them off of his head and grips them tightly, as if to send you a threatening message. You only laugh.

“Come back to me when you’d like a fresh pair!” You giggle at him and walk back into the laundry room to finish your chore. As you complete your wash, you hear his grumbling and stomping all the way down the hall. He does not return the panties. 

Raphael: 

Wordlessly, silently, he startles, staring at you like a deer in headlights. His eyes widen like saucers, but his lips remain closed. The longer he stands there, idling, the more you wonder what exactly he's hoping to achieve. He doesn't so much as twitch. 

After you think you've been standing here long enough, waiting for him to move, you roll your eyes and harden your gaze on him. 

“Gonna give them back or not, pervert?” You crook an eyebrow upwards and tilt your head at him. He looks down, almost visibly deflating. His reaction is almost unexpected. He looks genuinely sad, looking pitifully down at the panties he held in his hand. 

You got the slight feeling that this was probably an act, but you didn’t comment on it. You simply shook your head and held out your hand, motioning for him to hand them over. Politely, he does, gently placing them in your hand and bowing his head, pursing his lips. “I… I apologize, MC. This won’t happen again.”

You sigh, shaking your head. “It shouldn’t,” you said firmly, turning away from him to move to complete the wash, before continuing, “At least, not without my permission first.”

You hear his sudden intake in breath, but decide not to pay it any mind. The weight of the realization on him hangs heavily in the air, joined by absolute silence except for your movements, putting your laundry in the wash. You have to wait a while before you hear him open and close his mouth a few times, clearly conflicted on what to say, before he finally stammers, “Wh-What are you saying?”

“I’m saying,” you start, turning to him, holding another lacy pair of panties in you hands, “that I wouldn’t mind if you needed my pheromones so badly for a fix. You just have to be a good boy and ask.”

He sputters indignantly for a moment, his eyes widening, and a blush spreading across his face. You only smile, and turn back to your chore, wordlessly continuing to put them away. He shuffles in place before helping you, probably attempting to sweeten the deal before he asks. You don’t mind, however, and let him assist you.

When the chore is finally done and the wash is going, he turns to you. “I know you probably don’t have any I could use now…” He speaks slowly, as though carefully considering every word before it comes out. It must be a difficult request. “But, when they start to pile up, would it… be alright, if I borrowed some?” He doesn’t look at you. He can’t bear to. He doesn’t need to, though. The embarrassment is painted quite clearly all over his face and ears, a deep shade of red. He’s looking down at his clasped hands and worrying his lip between his teeth. Was it this important to him to be able to indulge himself? You find yourself more and more surprised at the attitudes of these demons and angels day after day. 

“Sure.” You simply sigh, amused by his shyness. Your face twists into a smirk, however, when an offer comes to mind. “In fact… Maybe when the day is done, I can give you the pair I’m wearing now. How does that sound?”

He’s practically frozen now, the blush across his face the only thing capable of melting him. He swallows roughly and stiffly nods, walking away robotically to leave the room. You only watch him, amused, thinking about how the ending of your day would go.

Thirteen: 

She yelps, jumping ten feet into the air in surprise at your sudden appearance. She fumbles the panties in her hands, looking guilty as ever. Her eyes flick from you to her hands nervously, as though fearing judgment. Before you can say anything, she clenches her hands shut, squeezing her eyes shut tight, and begins apologizing profusely. “I’m sorry, MC! This really shouldn’t have happened, I just got way too curious and I had to-! Well…” She trails off, biting her lip. “I hope you aren’t too mad at me… I still do want that soul of yours, y’know.” She says this innocently, as though you’ll forgive her if she widens her eyes and pouts her lips. Which, honestly, would be tempting, but it’s less so tempting when you glance down to the panties she still clutches in her grasp. She notices this and hides them behind her, a blush creeping onto her face. 

“Hey… you wouldn’t mind me keeping these, would you? Your soul is nice and all, but…” She pouts, very clearly for show, and looks at you with wide eyes, begging without saying anything. You’re ready to call bullshit on her, and quite loudly at that. However, you simply sigh, exhausted, and hold out your hand.

“Come on. Hand them over.”

She sighs begrudgingly and hands them over, plopping them down in your hand. “You’re no fun.” She struts away from you and plops down on a nearby chair, sighing dramatically and laying across the chair in a fainting pose. “Could’ve kept something of my beloved’s for when they inevitably return to the underworld, but no. I’ve got to sit here and long for them.” She sighs dramatically again, melting into the chair. You roll your eyes and walk over to her, peering down at her.

“How about I come back? Visit with a fresher pair?” A wicked smile grows on your face as you say this, the thought of the offer stirring you with mirth.

She shoots up at once, her light blush deepening into a cherry red. She looks at you with wide eyes and her mouth slightly parted in shock.

“...Do you mean it?”

“Sure.” You say, shrugging, and stepping back from her. You smile at her, as though waiting for her to take the offer. Of course, she snaps at it. 

“Hmm. I still want those ones. They’re pretty and purple.” She points to the ones you’re holding, a wide smirk on her face now. You only roll your eyes again.

“Fine. But only if you wash them.”

“Deal.”

a/n: woooooooohooooooooo! it's finally done! im so, so sorry for making you all wait so long! thank you so much for being so patient with me! please, enjoy this, and don't be afraid to leave a comment, reblog, or sumbit an ask! i love to know what you all think of my writing!

[akutasoda]

i can stay, if you want? part 2

synopsis - after particular warm nights, you decide to shed some clothing - how do they react?

includes - dazai, nikolai

warnings - gn!reader, fluff, slight crack, reader is mentioned to be shirtless, wc - 761

a/n: this was requested by @lazarokimaar

osamu dazai ★↷

the agency accomodations were pretty basic but they still did their job and, if the owner bothered, were rather clean. but unfortunately dazai wasn't really in a rush to take care of himself properly let alone his residence. so it was no surprise that the already bad ventilation was made worse.

but that did little to bother dazai. he rarely slept a whole night anyway. but ever since you proposed living together, he actually bothered to tidy up - to some extent. to the extent of hiding bottles of sake and tins of crab and bothering to clean.

but no amount of cleaning could change how much more humid and warm it would become during warmer weather. and it wasn't really helped that dazai became rather clingy when you were directly next to him.

you had woken up due to being too warm and even though you were desperate too cool down but dazai had finally managed to fall asleep and was practically glued to you back. you didn't really have a solution at that point to cooling down seeing as dazai had already hogged the blankets.

however when you came up with the solution of shedding some clothes and shuffled around to be able to take your top off, dazai woke up. and now seeing as he was awake you saw no problem in tearing him off you. he looked at you with some confusion.

he was going to ask what you were doing but his question was quickly answered as you shrugged your top off and over your head. and you'd spent long enough with dazai to know what he was going to day affter you took your top off but you quickly silenced him by explaining it was too warm.

and as you laid back down you were confused as to why a pair of bandaged arms didn't immediately wrap themselves around your mid section. so you turned you head to face him and ask if there was an issue.

normally you would expect dazai to care little of your state of undress and act as normal but he faced a lottle bit of inner conflict. he didn't want to cross any boundaries with you, fearing that if he did so he'd push you away and lose you.

but from your question he nodded and just said he was 'admiring the view' before he placed his arms around ypur mid section and placed his head in the crook of your neck. and now if anything he was a little dumbfounded. how could someone as great as you trust him this much. but he didn't want to dally on that as for the moment he wanted just to hold you in his embrace.

nikolai gogol ★↷

seeing as nikolai hadn't been in yokohama that long, he didn't really have much of a place to actually stay. normally just cramping in on his colleagues. and when he met you after a while he started thinking - what would be even better than moving in with the person he loved most.

he adored your space no matter how big or small it was. but unfortunately it also became the victim to an unfortunate increase in warm weather. warm enough that any ventilation or fans because rendered rather useless.

even if you stripped away all your bedding, sheets and whatever else you would normally have it didn't seem to work.

mainly because nikolai was rather clingy sometimes, that or he had absolutely no personal space awareness. either way he only added to the rather intense heat. and if you were going to fix this you would have to start by prying yourself out of his grip.

and once you did, you took of the layers necessary to cool down before slipping back into bed. and almost immediately nikolai gripped back on to you proving your efforts to cool down to be rather useless but atleast it was a start.

after a while, nikolai had woken up while you were just trying to get back to sleep. he noticed your wardrobe change rather immediately and began teasing you. and in your half asleep state you still managed to elbow him. to which he stopped.

but then he became very acutely aware of the situation and hesitated for a moment until you gave him a rather sleepy nod of reassurance that you were still fine with him cuddling you. to which he took and happily retook his place beside you. and yet he still teased you in the morning about it.

[gomzdrawfr]

want to join the fandom cause it seems fun seeing fanarts and you and others interacting but I don't know how...and with the whole ai thing im scared...

my advice: just do it

really! sometimes all you really need is a leap of faith, and that was exactly how I dropped into the cod fandom. When I joined the ghoap discord server I talked to one of the artist I really like and respected from my lurking time (hi @bressynonym) aaaand the rest is history

I didnt know how to draw properly, nor digitally, all I did was scribbling on OneNote (yeah!) and rambled about cod characters, it is daunting and it is scary to interact but after a while? you may just be able to find someone to brainrot together with

start small, like commenting, reblogging, talking, chatting- doesn't have to be towards artist/writers, it could be the art/fic enjoyers!

you need to put yourself out there if you want something

as to if you want to start in the fandom as a creator, here's some more tips (which are all based on my experience, I am no pro at doing this, hell Im still learning myself, and I am by no means speaking these on behalf on others!)

establish a goal: what are you making? fandom based? original creations?

as with starting new, everything may take a while for stuff to happen, you'll feel like you're speaking to the void at times (esp with original arts, but do know that your stuff do get perceive by others as time goes, I would advise to draw fandom stuff as a beginning to get that boost going if you want! or else it's going to be quite hard to get things rolling)

imo this is hardest part of any new creator, you'll have to bear with it and try not to give up (but I understand how incredibly demotivating it could get, there were times when I stopped posting about Raven entirely, but eventually I post it anyway cuz surely someone out there will like them, it just takes a lot of patiences and perseverance)

btw, engagement can also vary from time to time, you may be booming for a bit, then suddenly you dont, it is a cycle that will bound to happen

take rest regularly, and I mean a break from social media because numbers, discourse and everything can get to you, very quickly (I cannot emphasise this enough)

the numbers are not worth it over your mental health (comes with practice to really solidify this thought)

study the algorithm (pain): see what other creators are doing to get where they are, what tags are they using in their post? what features/niche do people like?(this is, if you really want to grab some form of engagement, bcuz reminder in the end you are creating art for yourself first!)

example: I think posts would get more reach if you tag it with the ship name first, followed by the characters' name (doesn't work all the time tho)

that's the thing about algorithm, it is ever-changing, and you'll have to learn to adapt with it when it does!

expanding on that, studying algorithm could be about ships (for example, ghostsoap is most popular in the fandom), or really good rendered art/flashed out fic that leaves your jaw on the floor, or ships that gets lesser attention in general which puts you, who make content about them, easier to be brought into the light (like Faralex)

bUT, it can also be personality!

(again, not saying this is meant for everyone and strictly from my own experience + what I observe) for me, I made up the lack of my art by establishing a personality: a wild panda who yaps about price and their oc and also kinda everywhere in the place (just like this post LOL), OR you're the person who named themselves after Soap's ash particle number OR you're the one who likes bottom Ghost- literally anything goes, you want to make an impression in different ways, some more funny/goofier than others but it works (be mindful and stay respectful tho, dont wanna be the asshole in the fandom now do ya?)

efforts ≠ engagement (not all the time, but most time) and this is a fact. Sometimes, you can't expect a piece you did for 10+ hours to get thousands views and likes, especially in a fandom space. You need to understand algorithm is that wonky. (very disheartening, but again, you make the art for you and the few others who genuinely likes them, and those people can go a long way) be mentally prepared for such events, and try not to beat yourself up too much for it

ultimately tho, do it, do it scared but do it anyways and again, draw the things that bring you joy, I hope these could be helpful in some ways!

[andorerso]

Rebelcaptain Fluffbruary: Day 28

for the prompt "Shelter" interpreted quite loosely because I just wanted to write the specific scenario in my head

The underground bunker is a shelter, Jyn reminds herself — not a prison. It’s not Lah’mu, waiting for someone to come save her, the memory of Mama falling in the grass still fresh on her mind. She’s twenty-two and she’s a soldier, not a frightened little girl scared of the dark. There are lights here, there’s Cassian here…

Even if Cassian continues to ignore her under the guise of cleaning his blaster. He can’t hide his frustration as easily as he can avoid looking at her. It’s in the stiffness of his movements, the tightness of his jaw, the tension in his posture. It’s in the way he handles his pistol, rougher than usual. The permanent frown etched onto his lips is different than the one he normally wears; it’s not just his resting face, it’s real. Though he won’t say it, the disapproval is radiating off him in waves.

Well, fuck him too. If he thinks she’s going to apologize for anything, he’s got another thing coming.

Good, that’s good, Jyn tells herself, focusing on the burning embers of her anger, rather than the icy fingers of her past. Something to distract her. That fire has kept her marching for two decades and will keep her going for longer if she has anything to say about it.

Throwing one last spiteful glare in Cassian’s direction, she turns towards the hatch above and listens for any sign of life outside, but she can only make out the steady pitter-patter of the rain.

It’s been… what? Three hours now? Those troopers must have given up looking for them.

“I think they’re gone,” Jyn says without withdrawing her gaze from the hatch.

“We should wait a few more hours to make sure,” comes Cassian’s response, smooth and even. You wouldn’t notice how tightly he’s grasping at his self-control with both hands unless you knew what to listen for. “It’s dark outside anyway. We might as well spend the night and leave as soon as dawn breaks.”

There’s one rickety old bed propped against the wall with a single pillow and sheets with suspicious dark patches that look like dried blood, but it isn’t the state of their accommodation that bothers her about the idea. It isn’t even the fact of being underground and in half-light.

She simply cannot take another second in his presence like this.

Jyn’s silence stretches on, but she doesn’t have to voice her displeasure for Cassian to know it. She can practically hear him raising his eyebrows at her in a challenge. “You have somewhere else to be?”

“Anywhere not here,” Jyn says through gritted teeth. It’s a quiet thing, not meant for him in particular, but she knows he heard it anyway.

He doesn’t respond. In the background, she can hear him continue tinkering with his blaster (it’s fucking clean, for star’s sake!), and something in her just snaps.

Shouldering her backpack, she climbs up the ladder and opens the hatch.

“Jyn!” Cassian calls after her in alarm, but she’s not listening. She can make it back to the ship just fine on her own. He can come if he wants; if not, she’ll just wait for him there in the morning.

The rain has picked up from a light drizzle to a heavy downpour, and she’s soaked before she even fully makes it out of the bunker. But she’s not that easily deterred. Jyn straightens, squinting against the heavy sheet of rainfall into the darkness of the night around them. There are no headlights tearing through the trees, looking for them, no chatter between troopers as they trek through the woods, no squishy footsteps in the mud.

They have long abandoned their hunt, Jyn’s sure, and if they haven’t, they surely would now. Visibility is low in these conditions, rendering a search party virtually pointless.

Cassian, carrying his own larger backpack, emerges from the hatch hidden on the dirt floor.

“Where are you going?!” he calls out to her, trying to out-yell the storm raging around them. Thunder grumbles overhead, and a flash of lightning illuminates the forest for a fleeting second.

Shivering, Jyn begins to walk towards the direction of their ship. “They’re gone, Cassian.”

“It’s pouring!” He follows after her, though not before covering the entrance of the bunker with leaves and dirt.

“So what?!” she yells back as he hurries to catch up, but she’s aware she’s being slightly unreasonable. The stupid storm just had to pick up, didn’t it? Well, too bad, she’s not turning back now. “Let’s just get back to the ship and go.”

“This is ridiculous.” Cassian, finally close enough to touch, grabs her elbow to bring her to a halt, and it’s a testament to her respect for him, even still, that all she does is yank her arm out of his grip and glare at him with the fiery rays of the sun instead of breaking his nose.

“No, you're ridiculous!” Great comeback, Jyn. Now you’ve really told him.

He positions himself directly in front of her in an attempt to keep her from advancing and pushes his sodden hair out of his face.

“Jyn, you’re gonna get pneumonia. Let’s go back to the shelter.” His words are stronger than a suggestion, but not quite a command. Still, something in her burns with righteous fury.

“I don’t have to follow your orders,” she snaps, and his eyes darken with the echo of their previous argument. The real heart of the problem.

“I’m not just your friend, Jyn. If we’re on a mission, I’m your superior officer. I can’t work with you if you can’t follow my orders.”

Of course, they are no longer talking about going back to the bunker.

“I can’t work with you if you’re going to tell me to leave you behind!” she snarls, fury spilling over and scorching the earth under them.

His orders — Jyn wants to spit at the word —had been clear. He was cornered and trapped, and she was to return to the ship, bring back the information they came for, and let Intelligence know that he’d been killed in action. That was what he’d asked of her.

Jyn didn’t hesitate a second to disobey him and would do so again in a heartbeat. Let the mission be for nothing, let the rebellion throw her out or put her in a jail cell, whatever. None of it was worth more than Cassian’s life.

Of course, he’d been less than pleased with her decision, especially when a blaster bolt grazed her arm during their escape. He’d patched her up after they holed up in the safety of the bunker, made sure she was okay and not dying, and didn’t say much to her since. Jyn, stilled riled up from the audacity of his orders, was just fine with that.

But this confrontation was inevitable.

“And you’re right, we’re not just friends. You… you’re…” She trails off, swallowing down the vulnerability that threatens to choke her, and tries to find a word appropriate enough to convey what he is to her. “You’re family. And that trumps superior officer — even on a mission. Sir,” she adds after a slight pause, venom in her voice, before sidestepping him to continue her trek.

“Jyn,” he calls after her.

“What, we’re on a first-name basis now?” she shoots back without turning to look. He starts to follow her again.

“That’s not —” He appears in front of her, halting her in her tracks. Again. “When we’re out there, that’s different.”

“It’s not for me. I can’t be like that.” She looks him in the eye, takes a deep breath, tries to temper her anger. “Look. We clearly won’t see eye to eye on this so let’s just go —” She tries to bypass him again, but he moves to stand in her way, and even that small thread of civility snaps in her. “What?!”

“Can’t you at least lie and tell me you’ll follow orders next time?” he asks, irritation coloring his voice.

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want to live if you die!” she bursts out, then wonders a second later if she said too much. Caring about him, not wanting to see him dead, that’s normal. Platonic.

Expressing a lack of desire to go on if he was killed… not so much.

A long silence follows her words. The storm hasn’t let up, battering them mercilessly with large raindrops, the sound of her own breathing too loud in her ear. Her hair sticks to her cheeks, cold seeping into her bones as they stand there, frozen in time and place, while the world spins on around them.

Cassian looks shaken. She sees, more than hears, a small quivering breath rattling out of him, his eyes suddenly large and shining with a quiet sort of hope she wasn’t prepared for. But she can read it clearly. It’s as if his walls had been knocked down with a single blow, leaving his soft parts exposed and vulnerable. Begging for a cruel blade in his gut. It’s an ugly thought, but she thinks, unbidden, I could crush him. It’d be easy.

Instead, she takes a step forward, reaches out a hand tentatively, and it’s the only invitation Cassian needs. He grabs her waist and hauls her to him, crushing his lips against her own. Jyn isn’t even surprised. She clutches his cheek and drags him ever closer, a year’s worth of pent-up desire, frustration, and pining spilling into that kiss. Rain pours down on them, but she feels nothing of the cold, nothing of the wind, nor of the wet clothes sticking to her skin. Cassian’s fingers tangling in her hair currently take up all of her brain capacity.

Finally, he pulls away and breathes against her mouth, “Thank you. For saving me.”

His eyes are still closed, but Jyn quirks a brow at him. The warmth of his lips is too fresh on her mind to stay mad at him. “You’re giving me mixed messages.”

“It was the wrong thing to do for the mission,” he starts, and Jyn almost growls in warning, don’t fucking ruin the moment, but he hurries to continue. “But it’s not always about the mission. I would have done the same for you. I’m just not used to... I’m not used to people giving a shit about what happens to me.”

I’m not used to people sticking around when things go bad.

Yeah. She and Cassian are kindred spirits — the same picture but painted in different colors.

“It’s what family does,” Jyn tells him, echoing her words from earlier because they hadn’t been untrue. Whatever he is to her, above all — he’s family. A family of her own choice.

“Draven won’t let us work together if I tell him what happened,” he points out, but his face is still doing that thing where he smiles with his eyes, if not his lips.

Jyn shrugs, entirely unapologetic. “So don’t.”

Cassian kisses her again, but he breaks away a lot sooner when she can’t suppress a shiver against his lips. Damn weather. How long have they been standing outside in the rain? Cassian’s warmth is exhilarating, but she fears they really will get pneumonia.

“We should go back to the shelter,” he tells her gently, and this time, she has no objections.

[visualtaehyun]

Hey, I just wanna know from where did you start learning thai? Also, what advice do you give to those who wanna start learning it

Hiya anon ✨

I'm not sure how much help I can be, considering I'm not doing a course or following an app or anything people usually do for language learning 🥴 I've been learning mostly by immersion tbh - I've been almost exclusively watching Thai series for over a year now, plus interviews, variety shows, youtube content, songs, so many songs lol, tweets, etc.

My personal learning approach is pretty loose and chaotic lmao but here goes:

1) The biggest hurdle for me was the script. Apart from already having started to notice recurring words being said in the Thai BLs I was watching at the time, I also wanted to be able to read people's tweets! In the end, it was a combination of 1) an app I happened to find (Pocket Thai Master for Android, it's free on the Play store!) and 2) the Wikipedia article on the Thai script that both helped me to understand and start reading and writing. Coming from a non-tonal mother tongue, learning the script early on really helps to understand the tones in Thai so it's something I would for sure recommend!

2) I started keeping a lil vocabulary notebook (you know those two-column ones?) shortly before my Bangkok vacation earlier this year. It not only helped with new vocabulary but also kept me practicing writing! Anytime I encounter a new word, I look it up on either or all of the following online dictionaries: thai-language.com, thai2english, Longdo Dictionary (which I literally just now realized can be set to English in the upper right corner, I've just been using it in Thai ever since I found it djsjdh), Wiktionary in Thai, or if all else fails I google it and might find an old forum entry or maybe an article if it's a slang word or idiom. I recall having dinner in a Bonchon in Bangkok and brokenly asking the waitress for chopsticks so, while waiting, I looked up and took down the word's spelling and pronunciation and when she came back and saw me copying all the info into my little notebook liKE A NERD she laughed and complimented me for the effort haha

3) If I hear a Thai word I'm unfamiliar with that I can't look up because I don't know the spelling, there's a few approaches. If I have context for its meaning, for example subtitles, then I look up the translation instead and hope I find it. If I don't, then there's the option of using thai-language.com's Reverse Phonemic Transcription function (this site in general is my holy grail tbh, it's why I mostly stick to its romanization style for any of my #local woman harps on about linguistics posts). Another option is using the papago app's speech-to-text function. Yes, you read that right. A Korean translation app, that I previously used when I was learning Korean and thus still had on my phone, proved to be useful for me to make sense of the spelling or pronunciation of Thai words. At the beginning, I only used it to read me homonyms out loud so I could parse the difference in tones lol but then I realized it wasn't half bad at rendering an accurate transcription! Sometimes I use that feature to check my own pronunciation or remind myself of the spelling of a word.

4) I always like to recommend @lurkingteapot's comprehensive Thai language learning resources post (it's far more coherent than my post here lol). And shoutout to @recentadultburnout for posting about Thai language and culture as a native speaker (both on tumblr and on ao3)! 🙏

5) This might be minor or self-evident but ya know- install the Thai keyboard for your devices! You're gonna need it sooner or later anyway if you wanna actually use the language. And if you're a keycap and keyboard nerd like me and happen to fall in love with a keyboard in a Siam Discovery store ehem then I do recommend getting a Thai layout keyboard (or keyboard stickers!) because that has proven to help me a lot in terms of ease of learning on desktop and familiarizing myself with letters I don't often encounter. Throwback to that one time I was on the train, revising consonants and their tone classes, and indignantly texted a very confused yet amused family member a photo of my hand-written copy of the Thai consonant table, asking how I'm ever supposed to differentiate between ฎ and ฏ!! Even now, I have to lean in and squint like an old lady to see the difference on desktop. 😭

I hope at least some of this proves to be helpful in your quest to learn Thai! In any case, you're not alone on tumblr or in our little BL/GL/QL fandom bubble - I know of several users who are learning Thai, like @airenyah and @philologique and the aforementioned @lurkingteapot, just to name a few I personally follow and who I'm sure all have their own advice to give if you shoot them an ask~

สู้ ๆ นะ :) /suu suu na/

[finite-breakpoints]

phantom pain (Angstpril 2024, #10)

[ Previously: a little too late ]

::Your shoulder's acting up.:: Julia nudges him a little, trying to get a better look -- Siv can't see it, of course, but he can feel that tiny bit of resistance under her fingertips, resurfacing pin sockets reducing her touch to nothing but faint pressure on his skin. ::Doesn't look good. You need to have someone look at it again.::

::Yeah, I know.:: The medical center's still short-staffed, even with the influx of programs from Advan's… rehabilitation centers. If he can avoid making it worse, he does. ::Give it a couple cycles, it'll calm down.::

::Siv.::

::What?:: He sits up, stretches out -- it's sore. Been a while since that's happened. ::The circuits haven't split off, right? Doesn't feel like it.::

::No. Looks close, though.::

::You know it's not a big deal. As long as the port stays closed, anyway.::

::I know it means you're stressed, and that you're acting like things are fine, and you won't tell me why.::

::Do we really have to do this right now?:: Immediately hates himself for the way it sounds. She isn't wrong, but it's not like he can tell her what's going on. Not without freaking her out, which is the last thing either of them need, lately. Besides, she has a point, and he can't fault her for being worried about him. ::…Sorry. I'll go to the medical center first thing next cycle. Promise.::

::Gonna hold you to it.::

::I know. --But you don't have to. It's not your job anymore.::

::It's not about obligation. Never was. You know that.:: She yawns. ::I mean, you'd still do it for me, wouldn't you?::

::Yeah. Of course I would. No question.:: He leans over -- carefully, just in case she's right -- and kisses her on the cheek. ::Alright, I'll go patch this up. Go back to sleep.::

She hums something like an assent, and he watches her circuits dim to a slow pulse. A little too proud of herself, honestly…

Siv stands up, doing his best not to disturb her. He's a little out of practice, but he manages it. Closes the door behind him before turning on the light. He's missed this. Missed her. When did they start to drift off in separate directions?

The answer, of course, is looking back at him in the mirror. And then in triplicate, as he unfolds the panels. Shifts slightly, trying to get a better look at the dense array of silver scars stretching across his right shoulder, beginning to mirror to the left. Glowing brighter than they should; maybe it's worse than he thought.

Pulls out a set of patches, the wide ones that will cover most of it. Even the damage patches designed for data processors can't always handle it. The pin sockets are too close together, and there's too many of them, for it to adhere properly. And this doesn't quite stick, either.

It'll do for now. A stopgap, just like everything else.

This is a face he's become more comfortable with, over the cycles. Something that has to be settled into, every time his render changes -- and it hadn't come easily, this last time. A bigger change than it usually is, something that almost felt like a rollback. Too much like his sister -- who isn't exactly herself anymore… not really.

"And whose fault is that?"

The figure standing behind his reflection has no circuits to speak of -- but she radiates a faint light nonetheless. Someone both distant and achingly familiar. Not Yori -- no, Advan -- although easily mistaken. The same look Advan had given him, when she'd arrived in Gallium -- surprise, then disappointment, in how much he'd changed.

"Clu did this to her," he says quietly. "I don't know how. She should have been safe from it. It shouldn't have worked."

"You could have stopped her. You could have stopped so much of this -- but you've left behind everything I gave you."

--And then his input regulators wake up, the impossible sensation of all those pins reconnecting. For just a clock-cycle, he wants more than anything to feel the rush of free-flowing information through his circuits. The chance to chase down the root of the corruption spreading through the Grid, hold it up to the light… and pull it apart, line by line.

She's right. He could have, at one time. But the data rig in the Archives, the one Polaris had taken with him when he left Tron City, refuses to wake for him. Siv isn't a processor anymore -- the System's given him another purpose. The prototyping lab; giving his betas a home, untangling them from what the Occupation's done to them. The network; keeping watch over the programs of Gallium, giving them the tools to fight their own battles.

In the mirror, his circuits shiver -- momentarily giving way to those waveform patterns that increasingly feel less alien, the more he shifts into them, interacts with the network in them. And he knows then, beyond any doubt, that his User's wishes are no longer a factor. Not in his render, not in his function, and not in his decisions.

"No. I took what I needed, and left the rest." Siv takes a deep breath, willing himself to look her in the eye -- and then to stay standing, under the crushing weight of her gaze. "And I don't need you anymore."

"Do you really believe that?"

Before he can answer, the regulator circuits branch off, spidering across his shoulders with no input to temper them. Some long-sleeping part of his code reactivates, reaches out in a desperate reflex… and finds nothing in return, as Lora-Prime watches his circuits burn with something that might just be a smile.

"When you change your mind, I'll be here."

And then the whole room spins, and blinks into nothingness.

[sabakos]

🔥 something about food (you've mentioned that you cook a lot but you don't foodpost that much)

I do need to foodpost more. Especially recipes, which I almost never remember to write down after I come up with them. Maybe I'll make up for lost mileage here on the rest.

The problem is it's hard to "Post" post about food because 100% of food snobbery is bullshit. When I dunk on New York pizza and say New Jersey's is better there's no more substance to it than when I make fun of the way Manhattanites say "bodega," I'm just being neighborly. Few people who e.g. decry pre-jarred minced garlic can tell the difference, most people who snob just like to seem like they're in on something.

The truth is that most people aren't bad at cooking, and it isn't really something you can be "bad" at. There's no great secret to it except the knowledge that all of the barriers that people have to getting "good" at cooking are psychological, and the faith that these barriers will be easily overcome with repetition.

You just have to do it more, by making a habit of it, and slowly work your way out of your comfort zone. Yes, I won't sugarcoat it, if you do take way too big a risk and fuck up a big fancy dish that's above your skill level that took hours of work, yes it will suck and if you're like me you will then order pizza or chinese food when you can afford to so that you'll be crying eating something other than a peanut butter sandwich for dinner. Yes, these things do happen, but much less often than you think. The real skill you develop in cooking is learning how to not take on more than you personally can handle, everything else is vocabulary and muscle memory.

This is why the most important thing is to start out simple as you build a habit of cooking and reprogram your brain first to believe that it feeds itself by making things not by scavenging them. You need to pick something where you are less likely to stress out about whether you will fuck it up and not eat dinner. If you like eggs, fry a lot of eggs until you can do it easily. I ate a Gaston number of eggs as a teenager. They're hard to master, (which you don't need to do) but also hard to render inedible after the first few tries. If you don't like or can't eat eggs there are other foods like this that are good to start out with, and generally soups, stews and chilis are also easy and a good way to ingratiate yourself with your roommates. You don't need to make the mother sauces or push yourself to do anything else french in order to make the other people around you happy, in fact I've seen no evidence that it even helps.

As you cook more, learn to take the easy way out when you can, e.g. buy a rice cooker if you believe it will mean you cook rice more often, but otherwise don't. If that sounds unhelpful to you now, know that a lot of this is as much self-knowledge as general cooking knowledge - i.e. what sort of things are you going to be lazy about? As you get more practice, you can focus on how to structure recipes in your head that work with your worst impulses. For me, I can't put up with more than a few minutes of chopping vegetables on most days, so I've started throwing raw onions, garlic, and other aromatics in a blender whenever they're going to fully cook down anyway. Some people apparently find chopping vegetables relaxing, and others might not feel comfortable deviating this much from a recipe at first, so they might not do this. But it's not a life hack, it's a personal idiosyncrasy. My setup works for me, etc.

As far as materials, it's also mostly all marketing bullshit. Don't go to reddit buyitforlife for product recommendations, you don't need a $200 chef's knife to cut tomatoes for a sandwich and you don't need anything with copper or cast iron in it. Get a good stainless steel saute pan, a sheet pan or two for the oven, and a heavy bottomed soup pot, if you don't already have them. Don't buy anything that costs more than $50. If you're worried about burning your house down, buy a fire extinguisher and keep it in your kitchen. If you're not worried about burning your house down, buy two of them, because you're the type of person who might burn their house down. If you're still worried, don't deep fry anything, keep a lid near your pan while cooking as a saftey blanket and learn what the word "saute" means and you'll do just fine.

tl;dr: it's not complicated

.

(but in all seriousness this is mostly a pep talk)

[hexfloog]

07/16/2023

Overarching content warning for language and graphic violence. Accompanying illustration here.

Sorry, this one isn't on AO3 (yet) because there's still text to be written for the other half of this scene.

---

Heiji hefted himself onto his elbows, the fire licking greedily at his ankles. 

Tch. Now it looked like Kudo, but it still acted nothing like him.

Smoke choked his lungs, ash coated his throat, and he could barely see... but he saw the silhouette ahead of him, distorted by the heat, and dressed in familiar clothes... its face and the hideous, triumphant grin it wore framed by familiar shapes. 

The dolls lay sprawled before him, gracelessly thrown asunder by their desperate escape and now lit orange by the fiery glow which surrounded them.  As the estate burned, the scattering embers threatened to set them ablaze, too.  He dragged himself forward in an attempt to shield them as best he could, and in spite of his aching bones, reached out to collect them--

He screamed.  The crack of his fingers splintering underfoot rendered him incapable of anything but unending, primal wailing.  He felt sand touch places inside his fingers he knew should never feel anything, and through tear-stung eyes and clenched teeth, he saw the pretender's clawed hand scoop up the Shinichi doll before he could.

"How peculiar," it chuckled, its eyes shining bright with sadistic glee.  Heiji winced; its voice was Kudo's now, too, and even though it had a body to match, it was still wrong.  "Hattori Heiji starting his own little collection of dolls in secret... At your age, I would think you'd be more interested in blowing them up.  Does anyone else know about this?" it leered.

"It's okay," it laughed, its shark-toothed smile winking in the light of the hellfire.  "I'm good at keeping secrets, too.  I won't tell.  You can trust me."  With a low, self-assured purr, it wagged the real Shinichi at him and, pinching his felt limbs between its claws, made it dance like a child playing puppet theater.

Heiji grimaced, choking down his agony, but as he tried to crawl forward again, his eyes shined white; the world flickered against his will, and when the curtain pulled back again, he was greeted by a blinding light, devoid of describable shape but filled with the pain of his entire lifetime.  As distinct as a a swarm of insects, he could vaguely feel them in the light: two identical Kudos, one strangling the other, just feet away from the fire.

He panicked a little, yeah. There was still someone out there he needed to get to before it did. He still couldn't see a thing, but tried to heft forward again anyway; in response, the Kudo-thing applied more pressure to his woefully broken hand, and another scream filled the air.  It chuckled, amused, and visibly drinking in his misery, lifted its head to the destruction around them.

"Give it up, Hattori," it sneered.  "It's over.  You've lost."

Heiji suppressed a whimper.  Between his fucking hand and his godforsaken voids-for-eyes, he almost believed it.  Almost.  But in spite of himself, he scoffed at it.  "Yer still haven't-- haven't learned a thing, have you," he growled, turning his head so he was staring right at the spot where he felt the false Shinichi to be.  "I told ya... There ain't a force in the world more stubborn than K-Kudo an' me."

It growled right back.  Somehow, the noises it made were even more misplaced coming out of Kudo's mouth than it ever was from Conan's.  Heiji didn't whimper, but he gasped as he felt its cold hands slam up against his jaw.  The contrast was surreal, considering every other part of him was practically on fire.

"Big words for a dead man, Hattori," it snarled.  "Keep talking all you want, but you know it as well as I do: there's nothing you can do to change that I've won."

It pulled him closer.  Heiji didn't think it was possible for the light to burn brighter.  Its presence, just inches from his face, was overwhelming.  He'd felt its infernal power before, washing over him like the hot, stinking breath from some hulking beast, but it felt so much worse now that it was no longer hiding in the shape of a child.  There were things pushing against the veil, and even in his temporary blindness he still perceived teeth and a tongue and terrible red eyes, all pointed towards him like knives in the dark, and somewhere amidst it all was his friend, clutched in its wicked grasp. 

Christ, he hated how he couldn't-- fucking-- move.

But, he managed. 

“Yeah, ya idiot,” he choked.  “That’s what happens when yer don’t lose.  Yer win.”

Its temper flared.  He almost laughed, knowing he’d pissed it off.

But he blanched when it spoke again.  "I know you can see me, Hattori," it scowled, with a hint of amusement, "which means you can see them, too."

It dropped him suddenly and stepped off his crushed hand.  Somehow, he caught himself on his good wrist just in time to retch.

As he caught his breath, Heiji screwed his eyes shut in a desperate attempt to draw the curtain again.  But it was no use; the Sight still would not leave him and, to his horror, his consciousness began to taste another presence emerging from the smoke.  And another... and another... all closing in on him like a pack of wolves.

His first instinct was to leap forward and grab Ayumi, who was still lost in the void somewhere, but goddammit, everything hurt.  He pushed a few feet forward before stumbling and landing on his chest again, slowed by the sand and all the pain that rendered him immobile.  The fire, too, still licked relentlessly at every part of him.

Shit, he couldn't think.  Who were the others?  Where did they come from?  What the hell did they want?

For once, his resistance faltered and he tried to tap into the veil instead, his cognizance swimming into the sun in search of answers.  He expected to find more monsters like Conan, but instead he only found memories: faces he hadn't seen in years, vengeful faces he thought were locked up tight where they could never reach him or anyone he cared about ever again.  And there were many.

This time, he couldn't suppress his whimper.  There were so many of them.

He heard the pretender laugh, smirking down at the boy who knew too much.  "Now," it hissed, adjusting its tie, "you'll die like proper prey... won't you?"

[stellavesperis]

Death in Days Undying

Hi! I'm finally getting around to putting out some of my lyrics for my pet project The Silmarillion (Noldolantë?) Musical I've been working on. This song is the second track of the musical (third if you include the overture), and it's about Miriel and Finwë. (the first is called Of Eldamar and it's the Hadestown Road to Hell, Alexander Hamilton, Great Comet Prologue track of the piece, so to speak). Since female Silm characters are so few (but always epic) I wanted to make sure that Miriel, in her limited appearance, gets a chance to have a song in which she is the principal actor. Additionally, I really like the notion of Fëanor getting many of his qualities from his mother, so I tried to explore that as best as I could here. Anyway, here’s Death in Days Undying. I hope you like it :D

(These lyrics are still subject to change, mostly for metrical purposes)

Verse 1 In the days before the sun and Moon first rose  Miriel Þerindë wove 

Her craft was clever Her spirit sang  He caught her eyes- High King Finwë

Chorus 1 Love beneath Gold light of day  We knew no sorrow Death knew no name  

[instrumental] [they dance together]

Verse 2:  So soon after they swooned They were wed  And thoughts of anything else fled

She handed her whole heart  To whatever she worked Weaving, no more--  She planned for birth 

Chorus 2: 

Love beneath  Gold light of day They lent their whole love To their child on the way

Miriel: “Our days of  love Have just begun. I have so much to give  To our unborn one.”

Verse 3: 

During the blissful days A boy was born  And High King Finwë was overjoyed

But Miriel was weakened  By the warring of birth  Her spirit dimmed  Her heart held no mirth

[dialogue explaining and transitioning some narrative things] 

Verse 4: 

In the gardens of Lorien  She resides And she expires where she lies A new name now She takes with her last sigh “Firiel” --  she who died

[she rises and walks with Námo off stage]

Final chorus:  Death in the  Undying Days  From the labor of life  Her fire fades

Brokenness  In Blessed Realm She leaves the king And her son to themselves

These lyrics aren't quite finalized- I have some complaints about the meter that I haven't bothered to fix yet lol (for example: ending that line with "the" in the final chorus forces it to be stressed and I'm not a huge fan of that; I also meant for it to be "death in days undying" for the alliterative meter, but I forgot that when I first wrote the lyrics and unfortunately, the rhymes all have to do with "day" now and I haven't bothered to workshop it yet. And I also have concerns that the placement of "wove" in the first verse renders it unintelligible. And then I just got lazy with the alliterative meter so it's only semi-alliterative now. So yeah, a lot of complaints, actually).

I'm practicing an instrumental piano version of this to share eventually-- I only halfway notated this as I've been recording it on guitar more than anything-- so when that's done I'll share it so you can have an idea of what the melody sounds like. :)

and @eri-pl here's the song I was referring to when we were talking about humanized artifacts as characters in a stage adaptation!

(please credit me if you repost this! If you want to see the rest of my ideas for this I have linked them in my pinned post)

[bigskydreaming]

wouriqueen

Unhelpful answer : I don't have one, because in general I really struggle to ever get them to that point where they feel fleshed out. I can imagine their entire life, but personality wise they always seem flat to me. So let me rudely turn the question around 😅: do you have one advice to change that ?

One? No. That would require brevity and I don't do that. Can't stand the stuff. I simply do not partake. Buuuuuut if you're in the market for a gratuitously long and involved post about my process in general, for you to mine for any useful ideas as needed but mostly just existing to satisfy my vaguely defined plans for doing a post about all this at some point anyway and co-opting this as an opportunity to get that off my plate and go yeah this totally counts, one hundred percent what I was intending all along, go me - well then......I totally wrote this JUST for you and am obviously not lying for effect haha who would even do that.

Okay! So.

Hmm. Where to start. Right, so this is totally just my own made-up approach, roughly generalizing how I've honed and streamlined my own creating process over the years. So adapt as needed, don't take it as anything other than a starting point to figuring out something that works best for you. I call it my Three Pronged Approach and I use it for both character creation and worldbuilding. It somewhat comes into play in developing plots but in a different way that doesn't quite match what I'm getting into here, so focusing just on the first two. Actually, we're really just focusing on character, so assume the Three Pronged part applies to the worldbuilding as well (once we get to it) but for purposes of mapping this out, we're starting at a point where the worldbuilding has largely already been done.

It'll take a bit to get to the actual character/personality development part, but I'm not used to actually detailing the process to someone else, or breaking down any specific part of it, let alone outside my own head, so the most cohesive way for me to run through it all mentally is to just lay things out from start to finish, as generalized as possible.

So like I said in that other post, personally speaking, I tend to prioritize character over plot in my approach to writing a story. I almost always start with a setting, with worldbuilding being my initial creation stage and go-to for projects before figuring out a story that suits that setting. Basically for me its the equivalent of mapping out the landscape and laying it down as a base to build upon. For our purposes here, I'm gonna use one of my established settings - you've seen my posts about my Changelings 'verse over the years, so I'm just gonna use that here, since various worldbuilding posts about it are easily referenced here and in my #changelings' verse tag.

Once I have the world I want to work in, which acts as both the foundation and the frame for everything that follows, I figure out my basic premise. What I want to write about happening within that world, in basic logline terms.

I personally do not consider coming up with my premise the same thing as coming up with a plot.....there are ten different plots you could go with for any underlying premise like Character X plots revenge after being left for dead or Character B is hired to Protect Character C from an unknown threat, etc, etc. I consider the premise to just be a snapshot of the big picture as it looks when zoomed out to the nth degree, more just about picking a genre, an overall goal and an obstacle to reaching that - but again, each only conceptualized in the vaguest of ways at this point.

Then, picking a spot somewhere in the setting, within the frame of the chosen world, I 'pencil in' the faceless, practically shapeless figure of the first character denoted in the premise, like sketching out the roughest rendering of them, no details to them whatsoever. And then if there are any others mentioned or alluded to within the premise - with only characters referenced in the premise being absolutely essential to the story at that point - I add the written/brainstorming equivalent of a rough sketch of these other characters and place them somewhere in the background contained within the frame....each in positions relative to the first one, as described by my basic premise.

So the world I'm working in is my Changelings 'Verse, and for a specific setting I'm going with Bordertown, as described in the reference posts above. Let's say for my premise I go with "Character B is hired to Protect Character C from an unknown threat," and so my main character at this point is Character B. They're the first one I put in frame. I add in Character C somewhere behind them, however that's best visualized conceptually, and then on the other side of Character C opposite where I positioned Character B, I just....sketch in some rough, cross-hatched lines denoting some threat to Character C that Character B is standing between.

Conceptually, I visualize this area being big enough that this shading COULD obscure another character, but keep the overall shaded area formless enough that it could just as easily be obscuring some depiction or representation of a threat not embodied by a single character, or even a character at all. At this point, I probably don't even know myself. I don't need to.

Finally, I add in one last figure, even more lightly sketched into frame than the others, because I suspect their position might shift at some point as overall story and character details become more defined....for now, let's imagine this last figure placed in the background as though looming over both Characters B and C. This is Character A, not specifically mentioned in the premise but alluded to and essential to the story even at this stage....because the premise implies that someone had to hire Character B and give them the mandate to protect Character C from the threat.

Granted, this could end up being an organization or multiple people rather than just one character, but we're going with Character A for now even if they just end up the point man or spokesperson for a larger group later in the plotting stages....the point is, even without knowing if the threat is a person, persons, or some other force, situation, crisis, natural disaster or more......an individual had to act with agency to move Characters B and C into the initial positions laid out by the premise, so whomever did that has to be an (or include at least one) actual character.

So now we've got our frame (larger world and time period, ie the Changelings 'Verse in the present day), our background (somewhere within Bordertown), our premise with at least three characters central or at the very least necessary to the story, and some undefined threat.

Next, before anything else, I'm picking a theme. Well, more like themes, as this is where the Three Pronged Approach starts to come into play. Basically, the whole idea of the Three Pronged Approach is at any stage of narrative development where you have to pick or settle on specific elements to be added to either a character, the plot, the greater narrative structure, whatever.....never pick just one. Always pick three.

Going with one, IMO, usually ends up resulting in bare-bones plotting and characterization and runs the risk of feeling kinda...paint by numbers. It gives the overall story and characters the elements absolutely essential to advancing the plot and character arcs, but usually not much else. The characters have exactly what character traits they need to level up through each stage of their character arc, even if they don't know it at first, they're given the specific tools they need to advance to each next stage of the plot, and the precise theme fundamental to whatever messaging the story is meant to contain is kept front and center the whole time, because there's nothing else to shift perception to, thematically speaking.

With just one element picked at any given juncture, by extension always being the exact element essential to fulfilling each aspect of the narrative....your story and characters can easily end up feeling hollow and made to order. Existing purely for the purposes of telling this story rather than feeling like characters that exist and a particular story being told about them.

Now, going with two picks for elements added at any juncture you have to fill in and flesh out with specific choices....better than just going with one, but now you run the risk of things feeling made to order or with the Hand of the Author clearly visible throughout because your story is too perfectly balanced.

With two picks at each juncture, more often than not, you're going to end up with a bunch of perfect foils, each element paired with either its ideal complement or most optimal opposition. The characters have exactly what they need to level up in each stage of their arc....but also, whatever trait most easily gets in the way of that, but never in insurmountable ways. They're given whatever tools are needed to progress them through the plot, along with either a perfect red herring meant to distract them from choosing the proper tool first or something intended to break on the first attempt at passing each obstacle, forcing the character to hunt around for the second, actually essential tool needed to unlock the next stage of the plot. The story's larger theme is either paired with something that complements it perfectly as if made (or picked) with that in mind, or positioned perfectly opposite to act as a thematic foil.

Point being....your story now includes more conflict, less of 'and each and every scene is facilitated by having the exact element needed' making the readers feel its all a little too convenient, and your characters are now more detailed, having internal conflicts and obstacles to realizing each stage of their character arc....

But it still can easily fall into the trap of all of these added conflicts and characteristics feeling superficial and not invoking a sense of stakes...because the second choice of element is so often TOO perfectly selected, in the contexts of each initially chosen element.

The point of the Three Pronged Approach is when in doubt, add not one or two but three options whenever new elements need to be introduced....because with three, the third choice acts as a natural wildcard throwing off the perfect positioning or pairing of the other two. With a third point mapped out in conjunction with every pair of character traits, themes, narrative obstacles....its a lot easier to end up with an organic story, plot and characters because that third angle is almost never going to come across as having been introduced specifically TO counterbalance the other two....the three points simply exist and whatever shape is created by triangulating from each point...its not predisposed to being any particular shape a reader is expecting those three points to make.

And yeah, three points CAN make a pattern, and if all three are still chosen with complementing each other in mind, that pattern will stick out and again make things feel visibly scripted - but unlike when selecting two options, with three there's not that default instinct to pick a clear and obvious partner for the others. Its a lot easier and more likely for your three choices to just be three different choices...and then from THERE you can weigh different ways of juxtaposing all three elements or positioning them relative to each other, and wind up with a lot more (and more nuanced) options than two perfectly paired elements could ever generate.

So, getting back to our outline....I've got my frame (World: Changelings 'Verse), my background (Setting: Bordertown, present day), my premise (Character B is hired to protect Character C from an unknown threat) and next I'm picking themes. Specifically, three of them.

I usually make my first pick of theme with my worldbuilding in mind. The final product of my worldbuilding always contains a bunch of different elements picked with the Three Pronged Approach so the world I'm working with usually already lends itself in my mind to specific themes....and for my first pick I usually grab from one of these. With the Changelings 'Verse, my big themes include stuff like having trouble recognizing yourself in the wake of big and unexpected changes, exploitation of minors and living with the aftermath of that, trying to find a place where you fit when there are no spaces designed with you in mind, the inherent trauma of having your intended life trajectory derailed by a dramatic upheaval of your life that there was no way to prepare for or see coming, etc, etc.

Just running through the list of themes associated with my World/Setting, that was already generated during my worldbuilding process.....one jumps out at me immediately, as a natural fit for my premise: exploitation of minors and living with the aftermath of that lends itself perfectly to a threat that needs to be (and CAN be) protected from. The kind of thing someone would feasibly hire a bodyguard to protect someone else from. A thematic complement to the threat demanded by the premise.

So I'm gonna pick that for my first theme, my big picture, broad strokes, overall Setting/World theme. I'll incorporate it throughout the background, build the plot in a way that leads the characters through the Bordertown setting under an overlying, looming awareness of how many others they encounter have all faced that issue or been impacted by it.

Weaving this theme through the overall setting and tying it to the main threat turns each and every encounter Characters B and C have with other characters - that they might see as like them or that they in some way relate to - into a natural opportunity to pair, contrast or juxtapose their own encounters with this theme/threat to the many varied ways these other characters have interacted with this theme or been shaped by it. But at the same time, with this theme built into the setting as an overlying background theme....none of these encounters are strictly ESSENTIAL to reaching the end of the plot, learning specific character lessons or coming to some sort of thematic conclusion. They're just....there, as needed, providing an indeterminate number of ways you can explore this theme via background characters and what the main characters take away from their encounters with those already victimized by an exploitation threat.

And as a result, I'm less likely to run the risk of seeming like I'm going for an after school message with this story, that it exists solely to build to one particularly thematic awareness or conclusion about this theme. It just....exists, throughout the story, as part of the setting itself.

So that's one theme picked. Now let's add another. Since I picked one to complement the WORLDBUILDING itself.....with that specifically being the reason I selected it and the natural association to that theme in my mind....I'm not primed to pick a second theme specifically because of how it would play off of that first theme. And since my first theme is setting-oriented but also pairs naturally with the premise and gives shape to the threat our characters are trying to avoid/defend against....I'm going to pick my second theme with one of the other basic ingredients of the premise in mind.

Specifically, I'm going to pick the next theme in association with Character B themselves. Character B doesn't HAVE to be the main character, even in context of the premise I picked, and in fact I don't even need to have one singular main character and could just as easily make it a dual POV story that trades off chapters between Character B as the primary and Character C as the primary, but I'm going to go with Character B as the main character. They're best positioned by the premise to drive the action, existing as a character both acted upon (hired by Character A) and acting upon others (protecting Character C), which makes them inherently centralized and enables a natural narrative flow that revolves around them as the primary figure our story is about.

This doesn't mean that Character C can't have their own storylines and character arc separate from the parts of the narrative they share with Character B, it just helps firm out the underlying framework we're hanging our narrative on.

So I'm going with Character B as the central primary protagonist driving the plot of the story and the figure I'm most interested in telling a story ABOUT. Its their character arc that'll act as the tentpole everything else is built around. As stated before, I tend to build the plot as a narrative journey whose largest purpose is to get the main character - Character B in this case - from an initial state of being as a character....to a specific endgoal I want for them. The story ultimately will be MOST about finding a path from who they begin as to who I want them to become by its conclusion, what I want them to be like by the last page, lessons I want them to have learned or obstacles overcome. Ironically, my start point for actually building Character B will be my intended endpoint for who they become as a result of their narrative journey.....and then I'll reverse engineer specifics of the character and their plot from there.

But for now, we're only picking one thing for Character B. Our first selection when it comes to them, the very first addition made to the rough sketched outline of a character somewhere against the backdrop of Bordertown....is a theme accompanying their character arc. Because there's no real point in me picking this theme as a complement or counterpart to the Setting theme, not when there's another third theme to pick that would throw off that balance anyway....I'm just gonna grab bag this shit.

The only specifics I have for my main character at this point is they're going to be in a position to be hired by Character A to protect Character C, a minor, from being exploited in some fashion, but beyond that, sky's the limit. I don't even have Character B's age selected in contrast to Character C, but since their dynamic will be central to the story, deciding whether Character B is also a minor or if they're different from Character C in that regard....this'll help me zero in on a potential character theme one way or another.

Now, there's nothing really stopping me from making both characters teenagers and having some in-universe or character explanation for why one would be picked to bodyguard a fellow teen vs the other being seen as needing that protection. Plenty of directions I could go with that, so its more just a gut preference that I'm not looking to write a teenage main character with this particular story, so Character B will be an adult. Not necessarily that much older than Character C, I have no preferences there yet, but it feels more natural to have them be hired as a protector in part because they're an adult rather than a teen - especially in the context of our setting, with Bordertown being full of runaways and teens kicked out by their families - and I don't feel any particular urge to subvert the natural expectation that anyone hired as a bodyguard would be an adult, so....they're an adult, then.

Which right away fills in some details about genre and overall narrative structure, as I have no interest in writing an adult/minor romantic relationship, so whatever dynamic Characters B and C end up having beyond just protector and protectee will not be romantic in nature. Plus, given the details just mentioned about the setting, and the prevalence of teens in Bordertown, Character B being an adult within that setting sets them up to be an outlier, relatively speaking.

Which in turn further refines the narrative logistics required by our premise, as it helps build a picture of why they in specific would be sought out as a protector - there being a limited number of options for adults familiar with Bordertown TO hire for that role goes a long way towards figuring out why in-universe this character was picked for that narrative role.

And as we narrow down character logistics - by necessity of the premise, Character B is now known to be both familiar with Bordertown and an adult unlike most of its residents - we open up a specific avenue of character selection choices. There's no particular requirement now for Character B to have any specific expertise with being a bodyguard....their suitability for the role could just be a matter of needing someone of age and experience navigating Bordertown. It doesn't mean they CAN'T have prior experience acting as a bodyguard, but still building from the gut at this point, I think its more interesting if they're not particularly prepared or suited for that role, leaving room for self-doubts as to how well they're doing at the job, whether they were the wrong choice, etc. We're laying the groundwork for internal conflicts already.

But since they ARE an adult with familiarity with Bordertown, that also makes it most likely they've been living there for awhile, and it works to say they came to Bordertown as a solitary teenager themselves, and aged into adulthood within it. Thus, even though they're an adult unlike Character C, this still lends itself to them being a Changeling as well.....which makes it possible, and even likely, that they've had their own personal experience with our Threat and Setting Theme, the exploitation a lot of teenage Changelings face by those interested in using them for their magic and taking advantage of their lack of resources and support systems to do so.

From here, we can reasonably sketch in the details/elements that their own experiences with exploitation or even just the specter of it will color all interactions they have with Character C while trying to protect them from it. It gives them a personal stake in what would otherwise just be a job, and begs the question....what does Character B see when they look at Character C? What do they see themselves as in comparison to Character C? Did they take this job because they saw it as a chance to be for someone else what they wished someone had been there to be for them, a shield standing between them and those who sought to use them? Is it just a paycheck and Character B feels they have nothing in common with Character C despite both being changelings and so keeps their emotional distance from them as a result, and if so, are they actually being objective here or are they just lying to themselves about not seeing themselves in Character C?

Did they maybe NOT have any personal experience with being exploited for their magic when they were still a teenager, either because they lucked out or they were powerful or resourceful enough to protect themselves from any attempts....and if so, does their role here and the way they view Character C contain any elements of guilt, deserved or otherwise, does it have anything to do with them feeling guilty for avoiding a fate so many others fall prey to and driven to protect Character C because of that guilt that they CAN'T relate to them rather than emotions born of the fact that they DO relate to them and their plight?

I've got options here, so running through them quickly and still going with what possibilities grab me the most....personally, I don't find guilt to be the best emotional driving force for a larger narrative, particularly if its unnecessary/irrational guilt rather than something actually merited by past actions they took. And as no angle for them actually deserving to feel guilty for avoiding personal victimization is jumping out at me, any guilt they're acting upon here would most likely IMO be undeserved, so.....the guilt angle just doesn't seem particularly compelling to me.

Which means regardless of other particulars, it does feel most right for Character B to have had their own experiences with the Setting Theme of exploitation when they were younger and possibly new to Bordertown, which provides a basis for them to relate to Character C whether they want to acknowledge that or not. Or inversely, they don't WANT to be able to relate to Character C, or vice versa, especially not to the degree they would if they fail to protect Character C from the Threat and they end up going through something similar to what Character B experienced when younger.

I'm personally inclined to knock off the "seeing themselves in Character C but not wanting to acknowledge it and insisting the job is just for the paycheck" option from the jump, just because denial as a central motivating factor is a tricky one to pull off. Any time you have a character arc rooted in an initial denial that the arc is intended to shake them out of at some point, you're giving yourself a clock from your very first page.

At some point, your character has to cut it out with the denial and face what it is they don't want to face, and the tricky part is there's no real way to gauge when and where to set that point in the narrative and if you gauge things wrong and drag the denial arc past the point readers are willing to have patience with it, you've shot your entire story in the foot. If you set that point too early in the narrative, it can make the momentum and pacing of the rest of your story and that character arc feel disjointed and unnatural, and again you've shot your entire story in the foot.

With a realization of denial and pivot to facing the truth as a fixed point your entire character arc hinges on, the most important thing becomes setting that point at JUST the right spot in the narrative and your entire story will sink or swim depending on whether your placed it in the right spot. There's a whole lot of risk in using a denial-based initial motivation and even if you do nail the placement of that hinge point, there's not really any inherent GREATER payoff to that character arc than what you could achieve with others.

So, with that off the table....we're left with two polar options:

Character B already sees themselves in Character C and it drives their desire to protect them from undergoing the things they did.....or they don't really see themselves in Character C, despite having similar history or elements of their backstories, and its a desire to AVOID ever seeing themselves reflected in this younger changeling that drives their desire to protect them from being shaped by the same factors they were and ending up more like them as a result.

Both those options lend themselves to entirely different directions, thematically speaking, with the former option gravitating more towards themes of recognizing the self in the other and the possibilities this creates for introspection or revisiting memories of past traumas, as well as reshaping one's view of themselves in the present - especially if upon reflection, past events or responses no longer look how they've gotten used to assuming they do.

Additionally, there's the angle of being driven by the desire - and opportunity - to protect a younger person you see yourself in from undergoing the same struggles or traumas you faced. This can feasibly be a vehicle for empowerment....a chance to write a new course for history in the form of taking a parallel situation and shaping it to a better resolution than the first time around had, even if it doesn't change the ending (and previous chapters) of your own story. But at the same time, this does the person you're trying to protect a disservice, if you're ultimately only seeing them as a proxy for yourself, or seeing yourself in them to such a degree as to miss or under-emphasize the ways in which they're different from you and their own distinct individual.

And then alternatively, you might also be more securely rooted in a desire to help and protect simply because you want to be for someone else what nobody was around - or chose - to be for you when you needed it. No illusions about being able to rewrite history or need to write yourself a better ending, instead just wanting to be a protector for a younger teen you relate to because they deserve someone to protect them and you're in a position to step up and be that person, so you do.

Going back to the opposite angle of NOT seeing yourself reflected in this younger individual, and being largely driven by an urge to keep it that way and protect them from becoming someone you CAN see yourself in, shaped by similar traumas....again, there's a lot of directions you can go with this. But this larger direction, the drive to AVOID seeing yourself reflected in the other - and by extension, creating a link or association between your protection of them and your goal of keeping them from becoming more like you - this can easily pivot towards themes of shame and self-loathing. Hinting at troubled self-image issues not far beneath your surface that the story's events are likely to exacerbate and make boil over. Not just wanting to protect someone from becoming more like you see yourself, but not really being happy or comfortable with the you that you see yourself as.

All of which can dovetail pretty seamlessly with the internal and thematic conflicts of being the person entrusted with using their power to protect someone while simultaneously seeing yourself as the end result of your failure to use that same power to successfully protect yourself. The potential impostor syndrome of being someone's bodyguard and guide, acting in roles that people associate with expertise and certain qualities of skill, and feeling like a fraud because if you fail them, they'll end up becoming you, and shouldn't that make you even LESS qualified to protect them than they are to protect themselves?

So....looking back at all of the above, and the options they lay out....altruism's all well and good, but in terms of narratives meant to grow a character from initial internal or emotional conflicts to some kind of resolution....altruism doesn't make for a good starting point, in terms of inciting motivations. So that's out.

Recognizing the self in the other and from there embarking on introspective re-examanations of yourself and past traumas and responses.....also a totally valid journey and motivations, but fairly low-energy ones, at least in and of themselves. Not the most narratively engaging.

The dichotomy of seeking empowerment or a fascimile of personal justice through steering a 'younger you' towards better outcomes than you managed for yourself....with the dehumanization of your younger charge inherent in being unwilling or unable to view them as their own person rather than just your second chance....that has the most potential of the "Character B relating to Character C and this driving their desire to protect them from undergoing the things they endured" options.

And in the "Character B not seeing themselves in Character C and wanting to keep it that way" direction....pretty much all of our options feed into each other and can feasibly work as the basis of a coherent character arc in and of themselves. All of which speaks to the strength of that narrative direction...it gives us way more bang for our buck.

We're pretty organically steered towards a strong initial character conflict to serve as a base to launch our character arc from. Character B has a personal emotional stake in ensuring Character C doesn't become like them, which fuels their drive to protect Character C and keeps them invested in a specific outcome, as well as primes them to make frequent and active choices in pursuit of it, whether they're helpful or are just reckless actions born more of their own fears than any actual necessity. We've got a clear direction for our character arc, momentum consistently generated by high-energy motivations that won't peter out until the resolution of the character arc, and self-loathing and shame as initial internal conflicts don't NEED to be earned or rational in order to be compelling.

All in all, there's an easily followed trajectory from that start point through revisitations of past traumas/responses to setbacks in coming to terms with what happened to you and separating how you view yourself from how you view factors that undeniably shaped you and finally culminating in you reconciling your inability to change your past with your ability to shed the negative self-image generated by your past and don a more positive one that will serve you better in the future. With emotional catharsis for the reader built right into that resolution and requiring no additional steps beyond just having Character B reach it.

And now not only have we already mapped out the broad strokes of Character B's overall character arc, including its start and end points, we have a clear selection of possible themes to immerse Character B and their arc in.

Themes like you are not defined by what was done to you by others. You can not make the changes you want for yourself while only acting to change things for a surrogate you've fixated on instead. Trying to protect someone from becoming like you denies them the chance to choose you as someone they want to be like. The worst things you think about yourself and assume everyone else thinks about you probably aren't even on anyone else's radar. Etc, etc.

For a variety of reasons, but mostly a gut instinct saying this one feels right, I'm going with Character B's associated theme as:

"The person you are and that you're trying to protect someone from becoming might very well be the person they want to be and that they're trying to ask your help to become. What you see as the failure to go through life unharmed can just as easily be seen as the triumph of continuing through life no matter how harmed."

Well, a condensed and pithier version of that, ideally. You get it though.

Anyway. That gives us two themes, one tied to the setting and one tied to the main character. Now we have options for what to gear the third theme towards. We could pick one specific to Character C, and no matter how that one juxtaposes with Character B's central theme, the Setting theme will still exist as a third over-arching narrative theme that keeps things from mirroring too exactly while still allowing for mirroring themes to exist. We could go with something specific to Character A, and ideally flesh them out more in the process, or we could pick something geared towards a specific point in the narrative journey, like an aimed-for climax that helps map out the plot structure in the process.

I'm going to refer back to the premise "Character B is hired to protect someone from an unknown threat" and see what jumps out at me this time....and after a second or two, I'm eyeing the motivations and character dynamics as two different or conjoined possibilities.

I already did a lot of legwork diving into possible motivations for Character B and built up most of their overall character arc....but ultimately, the theme I went with for Character B, while complementing everything I settled on there....still actually ended up being more about messaging and a conclusion for Character B to ultimately reach rather than something derived from or associated with their motivations in specific.

And also, I'm looking to find a theme that can weave a connection between Characters A, B and C on at least one shared level, so that we'll have a setting theme that encompasses all the characters likely to appear over the course of the story, a main character theme that marries their character arc to a specific thematic message, and a shared theme connecting the various characters via the comparisons and contrasts it allows me to make between their respective motivations and/or dynamics.

I still don't have any kind of image or sense of Character A, despite now having a pretty strong start to both Characters B and C - an adult and teenage changeling respectively, the latter with a backstory or situation similar enough to the former's own past that Character B worries Character C could easily end up just like them if not kept safe from whomever is seeking to exploit them and their magic.

Additionally, I know that Character B is a fairly longterm resident of Bordertown, who's lived there since they came there on their own as a teenager....either after being exploited in some parallel fashion or being victim of that upon arriving in Bordertown. Character B's age and adult status marks them as enough of a rarity among Bordertown residents, that said age and adult status alone were enough to land them on Character A's shortlist of potential bodyguards for Character C. While not set in stone, its likely that Character B's age/adult status were the primary elements leading Character A to approach them, and they don't additionally possess any particular expertise or experience acting as a bodyguard.

Since I already have several links/connections between Characters B and C, ways that they're alike or things they have in common, and because the most natural choice for Character A's base motivation is concern for Character C, suggesting some link or connection between Characters A and C, even if the roundabout nature of working through a proxy to protect the latter paints a picture of likely estrangement.....that leaves me wondering about possible dynamics between Characters A and B, or what their interactions might look like and whether they might have any shared connections or links as well.

The obvious connection there would be both are likely adults, having that in common with each other and a way they're similarly unable to relate or connect to Character C as a peer. Despite their shared status as adults, Character A would only need to seek out Character B to protect Character C if Character B had skills, resources or expertise that Character A didn't...or alternatively, if they felt Character C was more likely to accept help or protection from a stranger than from Character A.

So, more than likely - and with no gut instinct challenging these conclusions - Character A is not a Changeling themselves, nor a resident of Bordertown, and likely unable to directly relate to the experiences or threat of exploitation that Characters B and C share. They'd still need to possess enough resources - or have some other knowledge of Character B - to become aware of Character B as a potential solution for their needs, and seek them out....as well as have something to offer Character B sufficient to motivate them to take the job despite a lack of experience or interest in being a bodyguard. Additionally, they have some previous connection to Character C driving them to ensure they're protected, but that connection is either flimsy or damaged enough that they're not accompanied by Character C when seeking a protector for them, or attempting to safeguard them themselves.

(Or possibly Character A just doesn't believe themselves as capable of protecting Character C as Character B would be, due to familiarity with Bordertown, prior experiences with those Character C needs protection from, or something to do with Character B's magic - or their actual reasoning is a mix of all of the above).

Again, just starting from the most obvious connections or conclusions and branching out from there if needed....the most logical links to start building there are between Characters A and C in regards to their prior connection. I'm going to say they're parent and child, but estranged. At some point, some conflict between them led Character C to leave the safety of home - with attention paid to the fact that the exploitation of a minor theme paired with the World/Setting/Threat is optimized for a Character C who is a teen under eighteen and still meant to be living at home with their parents or legal guardians. Which would make them a full-fledged runaway, fleeing from a conflict or confrontation that made them view heading to Bordertown as their best prospect.

Pulling back just a little as I notice I've started referring definitively to elements I never actively decided on and are really just assumptions rather than an examination of the possibilities....since I never cemented Character A as a single individual, its worth raising the possibility that Character A is actually a) a parental unit, b) one parent acting in ways both agreed upon but with the other parent remaining behind at home, c) one parent acting on their own despite their partner's disapproval of this course of action, or even without their knowledge of it, d) a single parent acting on their own due to not having a co-parent, be that because of a divorce, death of a spouse, or something else.

Any of those could work well and offer up unique possibilities, but I'm leaning towards C or D, and after giving it a quick mental run-through, I'm gonna go with C, as that gives me the most vivid ideas.

So Character A is one of Character C's two parents, having followed them to Bordertown against the wishes of their co-parent or without their knowledge, after a conflict that has them estranged enough Character A believes Character C would be more likely - and more effectively - helped by a fellow changeling they feel more akin to than by their parent, Character A. Who also can't offer the same protection or experience navigating Bordertown and its threats but was still clearly willing to go to at least some length to try and ensure Character C's safe and protected, including going against/without their co-parent to do so.

Which brings us back to Character A and B's connections, associations or parallels beyond just both being adults....and after asking myself what other possible connections are there to mine there, I've got a big one, that sends the narrative in an entirely new direction but fleshing out a ton of additional elements in the process:

Now I'm thinking....what if Character A is Character B's parent as well?

That solves both the issue of how they find/learn about Character B in specific in order TO approach them, and why, other than just them being an adult in the mostly teen-populated Bordertown, they approach Character B over any and all of the other adult changeling options.

In addition, it goes a long way towards cementing the inciting motivations and reasons given for taking such an unusual job on behalf of a complete stranger....if Character C isn't in fact a complete stranger, but a younger sibling or maybe half or step sibling Character B hasn't seen since they came to Bordertown as a teenager themselves - likely after having run away from their own confrontation with Character A and their co-parent.

A years long estrangement between Character B and their family, as well as some kind of sizeable age gap between Characters B and C, would suggest that Character B likely hasn't seen Character C since they were very young, and raises possibilities for Character C to not initially know/recognize who Character B is when they first approach the latter....especially given how much changelings' appearances tend to change when the Change hits them.

It would also build upon and enhance all the aforementioned connections between Characters B and C, and likelihood of Character B seeing a lot of themselves in Character C, or wanting to avoid seeing them become like them or suffer a similar fate, and increases the personal stake Character B has in all of this.

At the same time, it introduces another potential internal conflict for Character B, and possible obstacle in Character B's attempts to build a connection with Character C or gain their trust.....as Character B's lack of communication with their family and years spent living in Bordertown, as well as personal experience with being exploited....all paint a picture wherein Character A and/or their co-parent did NOT follow Character B to Bordertown or make a similar attempt to ensure they were protected when Character B ran away as a teenager. Or if they did, they weren't successful in finding someone to protect Character B, or hired someone not up to the task.

Either way, it lays groundwork for Character B to be motivated to take this "job" in the interests of protecting their sibling and possibly reconnecting with them, doing their best to spare them from traumas like those Character B suffered, it allows for the potential wrinkle of Character C not knowing who Character B is to them and possible fall-out or issues arising from them later finding out the truth after Character B made a choice to continue withholding it.....and it introduces the possibility Character B's internal conflict about revealing their connection and reasons for keeping it secret (should they decide not to tell them), derive at least in part from Character B's jealousy:

That despite the parallels in Characters B and C's situations and conflicts with their parents, Character A made efforts to continue acting as a parent and showing their concern in Character C's case, that they did simply not make when it was Character B in a similar scenario.

Which, in turn, could exacerbate Character B's self-loathing and shame spirals and delay the development of their character arc, if Character B recognizes their jealousy as misdirected and judges themselves for feeling it and not knowing how to stop.

But to return to Character A, there's also the prospect that Character A's attempts to continue looking out for Character C and willingness to act against/without their co-parent.....are at least to some degree motivated by THEIR shame about not doing more on Character B's behalf or in an effort to reach out or maintain/renew a connection to them. Making their actions here and now only partly about Character C, the actual individual, and partly about their guilt and shame and desperation to do better by Character C than they did Character B. Their own attempt at a re-do or second chance at getting this right.

And there's always the possible angle of them having sought out Character B not just because they viewed them as the best person to try and recruit as Character C's protector, but also because the situation gave them an excuse (or push) to seek them out at all, after however many years of convincing themselves there was no point trying to fix things at this point or there was no chance Character B would ever be willing to hear from them. With Character A hoping even just to some small degree, that this could potentially lead to actually rebuilding a longterm connection to Character B.

And just like that, we've got the broad strokes of not just our A plot, but our B plot as well:

The primary narrative focus throughout the story will remain centered on Characters B and C's dynamic and their growing but tentative relationship, with this A plot having its own emotional components such as in terms of how Characters B and C view and feel towards each other and their situation. It'll also have its own distinct character arcs (or parts of their overall character arcs) - such as how Character B's attempts to protect Character C in the present brings up memories of past experiences being on the victimized side of things without protection....and both Character B's central theme and the resolution of their over-arching character arc are optimized to be woven into the climax and culmination of the A plot.

The A plot's primary character dynamics, thematic messaging and corresponding emotional and character arcs have all they need to be resolved within the structure of the A plot, by the A plot's own narrative beats, with all of the aforementioned able to exist with our without the B plot.

In contrast, the B plot can not exist on its own independent of the A plot's super-structure, but still will contain its own shape, structure and resolution within that super-structure - focusing on Character B's relationship and dynamic with Character A, emotional components distinct to Character B's feelings about their own history with Character A, the latter's efforts on behalf of Character C and juxtaposed with their lack thereof on behalf of Character B, and introspection/revisiting of their own past conflicts with Character A and the events that were set in motion by that and culminated in Character B's traumas after leaving home. With all of the above able to parallel Character B's revisiting of past events and traumas in the A plot, without that being necessary for the resolution of either A or B plots rather than just an available option.

The B plot's resolution, in terms of both narrative and emotional beats, can and should exist separate from the A plot's resolution, as well as occurring before the latter. Character B's ultimate views of their own history, connection and desired relationship with Character A should be settled and established before the ultimate conclusion of their character arc as of the resolution of the A plot. Their negative self-image and shame/self-loathing spirals can't be fully addressed until any insecurities about their dynamic with Character A or feelings of being second place to Character C have been faced and dealt with.

And to bring it back from there to selecting our third theme, one associated with either the shared motivations or dynamics of the characters in regards to each other.....

I'm going with Theme Three being:

Trying to make someone your do-over or second chance to fix mistakes you made with someone else: just a terrible idea destined to end messily for everyone or - no, never mind, there is no or, its just that, there's only one outcome.

Again....just picture a condensed, pithier version of that. It's fine, that can be fixed. Scalpels exist for a reason.

Anyway!

So we've picked three themes, and added them to our frame (world), background (setting), premise, rough character outlines and depiction of threat....

And then we rinse and repeat as needed, with each additional element added to the story or picked for a character.

Sure, alllll of that and we haven't even started selecting traits and options for our characters here, seems a whole lot of work just to pick three themes before even moving on to base stats for the main character.

Except the trick of it is, by the time you get to this part and finally START fleshing out the specific characteristics and physical stats and identity traits of each character....

Even as you begin building your characters from the ground up, fleshing them out and filling in the outline or idea of them one trait or characteristic at a time, you should have enough figured out about WHO they are that you have a sense of their personalities already at hand and available to weave into each newly added trait or character element.

Without even having chosen basic identity traits for Character B, nothing selected or cemented yet about their gender, race, sexual orientation, physical stats or possible disabilities or neurodivergencies let alone the world-distinct character elements like changelings' otherworldly appearances and magic distinct to each individual....

We've already built up an impression of what Character B is like as a person, in relation to others like Characters A and C, in conjunction with our chosen themes, as contextualized by the shape of their overall character arc. And we can use this to inform and quiz and add depth to everything we choose to build into that character from here.

Character B struggles with self-loathing issues and shame spirals born of a negative self-image deriving from their inability to protect themselves from being exploited and victimized when they were younger and new to Bordertown, having just run away from their home and a conflict with their parents, leaving behind a much younger sibling or half or step sibling, and being both hurt and unsurprised when their parents showed no attempt to follow or reconnect with them, or any evident concern for what happened to them after they left home.

Character B has since spent years living in Bordertown and establishing a home there, aging into one of the area's few adults among a mostly underage population where Character B's greater age and adult status automatically confers a degree of authority, experience and capability in the eyes of most others, whether or not they possess any of those things.

We know that when approached out of the blue by their estranged parent Character A after years without contact or indication Character B ever crossed their mind, Character B's personality is such that despite their issues with Character A and the confused and undecided feelings they've awoken towards Character A and their part in the events of the past and Character B's past traumas, and even while feeling jealous and resentful of Character Cand the greater efforts their shared parent seems willing to make on their behalf, they do accept the responsibility of seeking out and protecting the sibling they harbor at least some irrational envy towards.

Additionally, their resentment and jealousy, to whatever degree they're feeling that, coexists alongside their acknowledgment they've missed Character C all these years and wanting to see and know who they've become while keeping them safe....with this also sharing space with their awareness of their paralleled journeys and circumstances, the very thing forcing them to hold up a mental image of how Character A reacted to one child in this situation next to how differently they reacted to the other child in the same situation ALSO keeping them keenly aware of the ways Character C is like them and could end up even more like them. How easily the familiar situation Character B sees Character C in now could lead down the same paths that so traumatized Character B and are the reason for much of the shame and self-loathing they struggle with.

We also know Character B's drive to protect Character C from enduring similar traumas is at least partially fueled by their belief that they're damaged and who they've beccome due to those traumas is a fate they want to protect their younger sibling from, as much as they want to protect them from any specific trauma. That despite all their parallels, similarities and shared circumstances, connection and familial history, all the ways in which Character B can see themselves in Character C and use as a basis for forging a new connection out of the common ground between them....in fact, in part BECAUSE of all these similarities and shared connections and circumstances....rather than being used as an opportunity to grow closer to Character C and build trust, due to their negative self-image, all of this actually feeds into and fuels their belief that the fundamental differences between them come down to the traumas they feel broke them and that Character C can yet be protected from....ensuring they never become more like Character B.

While trying to build a connection with a jaded and untrusting Character C who believes Character B to be a total stranger with a specific interest in Character C involving an unknown agenda on behalf of someone else....none of which are factors conducive to building trust.....AND despite their own barely-shoved-down desire to tell Character C everything....Character B continues to keep who they really are a secret and withhold the truth of their connection and who asked them to protect Character C and why. Their yearning to re-embrace a sibling relationship they thought they'd never get another chance at butts up directly against their assumption that none of this is permanent and there's no longterm connection or future to be built between them, reinforcing their instinct to protect themselves from the inevitable hurt and disappointed bound to come their way once Character C realizes how damaged they actually are and decides to move on, with Character B's unwillingness to trust in Character C - even while asking for their trust themselves - spilling directly out of Character B's inability to trust in their own worth and value as someone Character C would want to reconnect with as a sibling and stick around for indefinitely.

Thus the one truth that could guarantee Character C's faith and trust in Character B stays buried by the latter long enough that its eventual reveal ends up an eruption with catastrophic repercussions for their tentative bond, rather than emerging as a voluntarily shared secret that cements that bond into something more lasting. In Character B's mind, the only defense they could offer as explanation went hand in hand with convincing Character C that having Character B as their sibling wasn't in Character C's best interests. In their self-sabotaging attempt to protect their younger sibling from the threat Character B views themselves to be, Character B is directly responsible for the wedge driven between them and resulting distance Character C insists upon, ultimately leaving them exposed and vulnerable to the larger and actual threat of the very people Character B had meant to protect them from.

Leaving Character B with the belief their only real (or effective) path forward required facing their demons and finding some kind of strength or advantage in the only real edge they had left in regards to these people.....the very memories and experiences of being traumatized at their hands that Character B had spent so long trying to avoid revisiting.

Ultimately, the irony in the resolution of Character B's character arc is it only comes in the wake of Character B reframing past failures to make it out unharmed as past triumphs where they made it out on their own. Examining the possibility they're not someone whose only value is in existing as a cautionary tale, but rather there are elements of themselves and strengths they have that others might see as enviable and worth emulating....with all of this having been how Character C viewed Character B from their initial "meeting" and the entire basis of what trust they'd been willing to put in Character B from the start and that they had been building upon before Character C found out the truth of their familial connection.

Now!

All of that is already at your fingertips and able to be factored in as you select identity traits:

What gender are they - and how might them being male vs female vs trans vs non-binary - impact the personality described above or result in them expressing different parts of it more than others or in different ways?

What race are they - and how might the different options intersect the described personality differently?

Sexual orientation - same question. Any possible disabilities and/or neurodivergencies - same question. Etc, etc.

And at any point, when in doubt, unsure what option to pick or add to a character....default to the Three Pronged Approach.

You want the clearest sense of how Character B would interact with people? Map out three different interactions: what does it sound/look like when they interact with Character A vs when they interact with Character C vs when they interact with one of the Threats?

You want a sense of what Character B is like at their most approachable, when their best traits are on display? Pick or figure out three traits and write how they come across when leading with those traits, as described through the eyes of a different POV character.

Want to layer in personal likes and dislikes? Pick three unrelated musicians and triangulate between them, see what kind of taste in music that creates an impression of, and what that might say about anyone who would point to those specific artists as their go-to choices.

Want a strong mental picture for what Character B is like when they catastrophize, or their inner monologue when spiraling? Imagine three different scenarios for when Character B could have told Character C the truth, and then try and put yourself in Character B's head and figure out what train of thought or particular insecurities or worst case scenarios creates a plausible mindset or logic you can follow in regards to why they didn't take that opportunity to come clean.

In light of all of the above, the character mapped out and described here, what might someone like Character B take comfort it, or consider relaxing? What are three possibilities for their greatest fear and who are their top three celebrity crushes and why.

Literally just.....pick personality traits to choose from at this point, or flip through magazine or online personality quizzes and ask the same questions as them while trying to answer from the POV of Character B, and go with three options or variables as needed, and see what characterization ground that covers and offers as stuff that feasibly fits within the triangle generated by those three points, rather than belonging to some random outlying point far outside it.

Do as many or as few as needed til you're happy with the character and personality/characterization you perceive them to be as of that point, and don't be afraid to pop the hood again later and move some things around until it all feels like it fits within the same singular individual in a more naturally cohesive way.

Aaaaand that's my process! Or I mean, these parts of my process at least. Same diff. Well not really the same at all so much as diff diff but eh. You get it.

Or not. I never can tell. Should probably stop making that part rhetorical I suppose.

[familyabolisher]

re: your saló posts it’s been a while since i read it but i remember this larb article having good points to make about the delany book hogg and how many readers struggle to engage with disgust/recognize disgust as an intended and even productive reaction: https://lareviewofbooks.org/article/uses-of-displeasure-samuel-delany/

For Hogg, what they “done them women” is not “all right” — the sources of ethical disgust in the novel are existentially absurd and cannot be rationalized or theorized. To do so would be to deny participation in, and responsibility for, the disgusting that is inherent to an absurd and ethically irrational universe. Relativism doesn’t help, any more than Jimmy’s attempts to find terms that would render his actions (or ethics) less disgusting. The disgusting (mundane or extreme) is a physical fact of the world and must be contended with on its own quite immediate terms; it cannot be ignored, sequestered, or theorized from a safe distance. Hogg, then, is not only challenging readers to contend with their own impulses to deny or abstract their implication in the disgusting. He is also delivering a compelling metatextual case for Hogg’s own value as an aesthetic object.

[...]

In their introduction to a 2009 special issue of the journal Representations entitled “The Way We Read Now,” Stephen Best and Sharon Marcus advocate “surface reading” as an antidote to “symptomatic reading.” The latter presumes that what is valuable or meaningful in texts is “repressed, deep, and in need of detection and disclosure by an interpreter,” and thus, among other things, maintains the literary critic’s privileged status. For Best and Marcus, “a surface is what insists on being looked at rather than what we must train ourselves to see through,” and disgusting texts might level this insistence most effectively, as they produce such “intense consciousness of the object.” A significant aspect of surface reading’s value is, for Best and Marcus, its “[refusal] to celebrate or condemn” the object of study, and the very challenge that such a refusal presents to critics: “[A] true openness to all the potentials made available by texts is […] the best way to say anything accurate and true about them.” Rather than seeing the disgusting text as a symptom of ideology, an alternative practice like surface reading allows critics and texts to describe what is objectively “true” about the world, including that which is disgusting and disturbing.

i don't know that i'm 100% compelled by this argument that 'truth' or else honesty about the range of human experiences is the objective of that form of storytelling, or that 'truth' is to be uniquely sought from texts like lolita, hogg, salò; certainly salò and lolita are texts that persist far outside of their own immediate, literal narrative boundaries and are illuminated by the kind of interpretive work that would get you there, and lolita in particular relies heavily on a particular literary fluency that i suspect would group it with the former category rather than the latter, but i am interested in this suggestion that an approach to literature constricted by the liberal preoccupations of the academy which articulate a text as a set of metaphysical truths/properties to be unearthed stymies its capacity to tackle texts of this nature.

anyway this was a good read. thank you!

[deathsplaything]

The Ultimate Price || Alistair Solo

LOCATION: The Sugar Pot TIMING: The Solar Eclipse PARTIES: Alistair & Mikael SUMMARY: Alistair avoids the eclipse, but they can't avoid Mikael. CONTENT WARNINGS: Partner death, general grief

“Tha gaol agam ort. An-còmhnaidh. Gu bràth.”

Spending their morning the same way he always did, Alistair decided to close up the shop at noon to let their employees see the solar eclipse. No point keeping them locked up indoors all day instead. Of course, they didn’t see a point in participating. Not like they could see it anyway. So instead, they continued working on inventory and ordering on the laptop in the locked up tea shop. It was around 3 in the afternoon when totality occurred. They could sense it, any light and shadow vanished to just darkness. 

“Al, please hear me.” A gentle voice called out, and Alistair would know that voice anywhere. They’d traverse mountains just to hear it one more time. “Mikael.” Alistair responded, eyes wide as they removed their sunglasses to reveal the scars on their face. “Oh, Al.” Mikael’s voice was closer, and their cheek felt cold. Mikael was trying to touch their face. “Please tell me you don’t blame yourself for what that man did.” Mikael’s voice was like a soft bell chime, a beacon in the night that Alistair felt drawn to. They’d never be over them. As long as they lived, there would never be anyone else for them. 

“Of course, I blame myself.” Alistair spoke, voice breaking as they rubbed their eyes. “You can’t blame yourself for the actions of one person.” Mikael’s voice was pleading, and Alitair wanted to curl into a ball and let the world fade away. “Alistair, I need you to know that you’re heading down a dark path. I don't want you to go down it.” Alistair shook their head, angry as a tear escaped. “It’s what I am, Mik. I can’t… can’t just not practice.” 

Mikael’s voice shifted to directly in front of them. “That’s not true and you know it. These people you’re hurting, don’t do it because you’re hurt too. Don’t do it because of what you’ve lost. I’ve had time to be at peace with what happened. But I’m not at peace because you’re obviously suffering. I love you, you dolt.” That cold spot on their cheek was back, and another tear escaped Alistair’s eyes. 

Remembering Brutus, Alistair quickly summoned their companion to their side and cast the spell. It was Mikael. The short, lanky individual with long chestnut hair and chocolate brown eyes. Those bambi eyes of theirs rendered Alistair speechless. Alistair let out a choked cry, a hand covering their mouth as tears fell. 

“Tha gaol agam ort. An-còmhnaidh. Gu bràth.” Alistair whispered, and Mikael smiled sadly. “Tell me you’ll stop.” Mikael whispered, hands outstretched toward Alistair. “Tell me you’ll at least stop the healing business. I don’t care if you still practice magic, just stop hurting people because you’re hurt. I know you. I know you better than you know yourself sometimes. So stop. Let yourself feel something other than pain.” 

Alistair’s face fell. Of course, Mikael was always right. Always knew exactly what to say. “I… okay.” They croaked, wiping their mouth with their hand as if it would dismiss the emotions. It didn’t. They were still there, and Alistair still hurt. “For you, I’d do anything.” Alistair’s Scottish accent bled into their words, exposing just how emotional they were in that moment. 

Then, Mikael started to fade. “I love you, Alistair. That will never change. But let yourself be happy. Please.” Their voice faded out, and Alistair was left alone in the Sugar Pot. They severed the spell and put their glasses back on, fell into the chair, and wept. 

They wept for Mikael, they wept for what was torn away from them, for everything they’d done. They wept for the person they could never be again.

“An-còmhnaidh. Gu bràth.” Alistair whispered into the nothingness, a hand outstretched in front of them into the nothingness. 

[thedivinelights]

Who Leaves a Wedding Early?

Jacob Marley was a fool.

There. He said it. That was what he was: A complete, utter, baseless fool. He should have followed his own advice and just kept to himself. Attachments were for those who wanted to get hurt, he should have known that better than anyone.

So why… why did it hurt so much?

He remembered the day he was told of the engagement. It had been a crisp autumn evening — early November, tenth or eleventh, he couldn’t quite recall — when Ebenezer burst into their shared office with the giddiest grin upon his face.

“She said yes, Jacob!” He had called out, rushing to Jacob’s desk and clasping his hands. “Lord above, she said yes!"

“I…” Jacob had been at a loss for words. He had known that Ebenezer had been courting Belle for quite some time now, of course. He was not blind to the obvious affections the two had. But they had been friends for so long, and Jacob had grown to cherish Ebenezer’s company more than anything else in the world. He couldn’t bear the thought of losing him.

Even still, he had to pretend to be happy. At least for Ebenezer’s sake.

“Congratulations, ol’ boy.” Jacob had replied, giving him a smile that never quite reached his eyes. “I could not be happier for you.”

“I want you to be my best man.” Ebenezer beamed, still oblivious to the way his joy was like daggers to Jacob’s heart. “Will you?"

Jacob had almost laughed and scoffed the idea away. Best man? Him? He was the last person who should be standing beside Ebenezer on his wedding day. But he had nodded anyway, because he couldn’t say no to Ebenezer. He never could.

"I would be honoured."

He forced himself into the preparations. He arranged the venue, the menu, the seating. Everything they ever needed, he gave it all and then some. It was slow going at first, but soon business at the counting house was booming.

“I want to give Belle the future she deserves.” Ebenezer had stated once in a moment of respite when Jacob asked why he had been continuously postponing the wedding. “I need to be able to provide for her needs. She does not deserve to live in squalor.”

And with every year that passed, a part of him — the stupidest, goddamn part of him — was still holding on to that tiny sliver of hope. Hope that Ebenezer would wake up one day and realize that the love he was searching for was right there in front of him. Hope that they could have something more than just a deep friendship sprinkled with 'my dearest' and 'old chap'.

But hope was ever the cruel mistress, and she never granted his wish. She teased him with stolen glances, secret touches, soft whispers in the dark. She made him long for a life he so desperately wanted, but never could. In another lifetime? Perhaps. But not here. Never here.

He watched as Belle walked down the aisle. He watched as Ebenezer looked to her with such reverence. He watched as they exchanged their vows. He watched as they kissed and danced.

Until finally... he could watch no more.

He had planned a toast as the best man. He put on his finest suit and practiced it in the mirror. Over and over, writing and rewriting it a thousand times until it was perfect. It had to be perfect. Because what else could he do?

Yet as he stood to deliver his words, he found himself unable to speak. It was ironic, was it not? This famously — or rather, infamously — charming man, able to sell ice to the Inuit and convince the Devil himself to turn the other cheek, now at a loss for words. Rendered speechless by his own feelings.

But he had to try.

"Ebenezer." He began, and he mentally cursed himself for the crack in his voice as he spoke his name. "My dearest friend. My partner in both business and in life. We have seen each other through thick and thin, and I... I would not be the man standing before you today without him. Without his wit and his cunning, his tenacity and his ambition. Ever is he the logician to my romanticism, the yin to my yang. The..."

Jacob trailed off, clearing his throat and fighting back the lump that had formed there. "But today, I stand before you not as a partner, but as a witness to the love that you and Belle share. A love that is pure and true. Times can change, people too. But love is the one constant that I know will endure the tests of time."

He raised his glass, looking to the couple with a smile. The kind that looked more like a grimace than most. "Ebenezer has been the light of my life. The one uniformity in a world that is ever-changing. He has been my rock, my safe harbour, my everything. And I know that he will be the same to Belle, who is a kind and wonderful woman deserving of all the love in the world. So... So I toast to you, my dear friend. May your love be everlasting, and may you both find happiness in each other for all of your days."

He downed his champagne in one go as the applause roared in his ears. It would not be long before the dance would begin, but he could not will himself to stay a moment longer.

He muttered his excuses about work, before grabbing his coat and slipping away. The chill of winter was cold and uninviting, but it did nothing to the man who had a blizzard of his own raging within.

He barely remembered stumbling into his apartment, fumbling with the keys and collapsing on the couch without even beginning to undress. He sat in the darkness, his expression numbed. Grown men shouldn't be crying. He wanted to hold it in for so long. He almost did.

Until he realised that Ebenezer wouldn't be returning to the apartment they had shared for years. He would be going home with Belle, and not sitting with him, sharing a bottle of scotch as they talked and laughed late into the night.

And that was when the dam broke.

Jacob let out a sob, a gut-wrenching sound that echoed through the empty sitting room. He clutched his chest, feeling as if his heart was shattering into a million pieces. It was a pain that he had been trying to ignore for years, but it had caught up to him at last.

He loved Ebenezer. He had loved him from the moment they met. He loved him for his kindness, his intelligence, his sharp wit. He loved him for the way he could make him laugh even on the darkest of days, for the way he always knew the right thing to say, for the way he had always been there for him. He loved him for everything he was, and everything he could never be.

But life wasn't fucking fair, was it? It wasn't fair. It was never going to be fair, not for him. It was cruel and unforgiving. Life was a bastard that ripped your heart out and left you on the streets to pick up the pieces. Life was a game of chance where the odds were never in your favour. Life was... just life.

He did not know how long he sat there, or how red his eyes appeared to be. All he knew was that he had to let Ebenezer go. He was a selfish man, but for Ebenezer...? He wouldn't dare.

Because that was the hardest thing about love. It wasn't always about getting what you wanted. Sometimes, it was about letting go. It was about putting someone else's happiness above your own, even if it tore you apart inside.

Jacob Marley was a fool. But he was a fool in love. A pathetic fool who was willing to stand on the side. He wasn’t sure what the future held for him, but he knew one thing for certain: He would never be a fool for love again.

[tlbodine]

Okay. I am on mobile on my lunch break so this is not going to be as robust or organized or beautiful as I’d like but it’s circling around in my head and I want to get it out and get some thoughts/perspective.

I think we are at a crossroads, as a society, about the role of art and commerce and intellectual property and how people get paid. And some of that is tied to an even bigger discussion about the economic model of capitalism in an increasingly post-scarcity world but. Just. To start with just our small corner of the problem.

There are three main ways you can make money: either you perform labor, or you sell a product/service, or you own a thing and charge others for the benefit of using it.

1 - if you do labor, the odds are good that you either are employed by someone in the owning things/selling things sector, or else you also own/sell the thing so you have multiple job roles

2 - owning property is only profitable if other people derive value from it they can’t get elsewhere for free

So, if you are an artist, how are you compensated?

1 - are you paid for your labor?

In my day job, I am paid for my labor. I write a certain number of articles for clients each week and I get paid the same regardless of how those articles perform or what money the firm brings in each week. (If we perform poorly enough I may lose my job, but this is measured in aggregate, not tied to my output).

But this is not how most creatives are paid. Publishers are not giving most of their writers a salary. Moreover, the number of hours it takes to write a single book are so high that it would need to be priced quite high to turn a profit - someone paying an author salary would need to sell a LOT of copies to make this a viable business plan (this does happen - see a lot of franchise work - but it’s unlikely with spec work where demand is not ensured).

2 - Are you paid for your product?

This is the self pub model, the pulp model. You get paid for selling units, so it’s in your interests to sell as many units as possible. In practice, this usually means writing and publishing a LOT because it’s often easier to get 1000 people to buy 10 things than it is to get 10,000 people to buy one thing.

In this model, piracy is disastrous because it cuts into your profits. (The counter argument is that pirates weren’t going to pay for it anyway so you’re not losing money, and the piracy could lead to more marketing by word of mouth - but do we have data to confirm whether that’s true?)

3 - are you paid for your rights?

In a property ownership model, you are paid for your rights - ie, you own the idea, and people pay you to create units that can be sold. This includes traditional publishing (you create the product, the publisher buys it from you in exchange for the profit of selling units) and ancillary publishing efforts (film adaptations etc) which also create units.

This is how the model currently primarily operates - the intellectual property model.

Okay. So here is where this gets muddy.

- Do fanworks infringe upon IP rights in a way that renders the property unprofitable? The argument is that fan works are themselves not for profit so they don’t compete with the original. But fanwork *is* still unpaid usage of IP, and we have examples of people who have used fandom as a launchpad for their own publishing careers. If you built your audience within a fandom, do you owe anything to the original creator?

- If we agree that a fanfic with its serial numbers filed off is fair game and thus not infringing on any rights/subject to payment to the IP rights holder, does the same hold true for AI trained on the IP? If you use a data set from a particular IP to train an AI that creates wholly original but undeniably similar work, are you infringing upon those rights and do you owe compensation to the IP holder?

I don’t know the answer to this but I think we need to figure it out, and fast.

There are other emerging models that I think bear consideration, too:

- the patronage (or subscription) model, which (can be) hybridizes the “labor” and “goods” option: you’re paid a specified salary by a collective of patrons who in exchange get an agreed upon product.

- the freemium model, where the product is free but you profit off various ancillary units (ie, merch, subscription) - currently popularized in podcasting. This is intriguing, but requires a substantial audience buy-in to turn a profit (or else a high margin, and there are questions at that point as to who else’s labor your profiting on)

There’s also the “advertising” model, or sponsorship, wherein you’re paid per impression by a marketing company - in effect turning the audience into the “units” being sold. See: YouTube.

So okay.

The question becomes.

As a consumer, which option becomes most palatable? What are you paying for when you buy a thing? If you are not willing to pay for a thing, and consume either pirated or fan work instead, are you OK with the effect this has on smaller creators? (Ie, Disney can survive piracy due to a higher volume of units and wider reach than a small time indie author). (If your argument is that you only pirate big corps, cool - but if you also consume fan work of big properties instead of paying for small original authors, that is also a choice that affects the market).

In my opinion I think we are at a place where there are more people who want to create art than there are people who want to pay for it, and a lot of people have found profit by marketing services to those creators instead. But it seems very suspicious to me that we could be in a place of such low demand while simultaneously seeing such enormous profits given to certain platforms. Because it sure seems like what’s happened is a handful of corporations bought up IP for pennies (because it’s still more money than individual creators can get selling their units)….and then turned around and are making enormous profits as the owners of exclusive platforms and franchises.

Creators are supposed to be in the property ownership game but they’ve lost it to mega corps.

Anyway. I don’t know if any of this is making sense. But it’s what I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.