#anyways lets see if my brain processes anything worth fucking around with lol

[the-kipsabian]

..once again my biggest grief with the old tumblr tutorial/resource community is that every blog uses the smallest, ugliest font imaginable for posts with a lot of text and im blind as shit and have to zoom in 200% to see separate words lmao

[starlightxsvt]

3 dates | c.sc

pairing ➳ badboy!Seungcheol x female!reader

genre ➳ badboy au, romance, some fluff, angst, bad attempt at humour, gets spicy at the end.

word count ➳ 12.4k+ (i have NO idea how this became so long so strap in for a ride)

warnings ➳ cursing, mentions of killing, mentions criminal activities, slight violence(non explicit), smoking, ma man Seungcheol ain't your typical badboy, self doubt, blackmailing, reader does all sorts of risky things cuz she's a SIMP, blood(nothing explicit), kissing, marking, some breast worshipping, grinding, reader is horny lol. (Please lemme know if I forgot anything.)

synopsis ➳ after one fateful encounter with him you cannot get him out of your head. so you opt to do some crazy things to catch his attention and even snag a few dates with him. only trouble is he isn't the type to stay after the whole disposition is over.

Swirling the third drink in your hand you heave yet another depressed sigh. You are so tired that you feel like you can just slump on the counter and pass out. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to stop for a drink, you alcohol riddled brain thinks.

The plans you had with Katelyn was cancelled last moment; she called to tell you that her thesis submission date was moved forward and so she couldn't hang out with you tonight. You're in the middle of an existential crisis quite literally, the too many part time jobs yet still lack of money and copious amounts of study getting to you. Staring hard at your drink you contemplate if it is worth giving up on college and your dream of becoming an arts major. It sure feels tempting right now, the long hours at the diner and not enough sleep at night proving to be the worst nuisance.

Sighing you put down your drink. It's still early, you should go home and try to catch up on the much needed sleep. You really had no intention of grabbing a drink tonight; you have morning classes tomorrow but you made a last moment decision to stop for a drink on your way back home. You didn't take your usual route to home today, and while trudging through the streets tiredly you came across this bar called Seventeen's. You've heard stories about this place, how it is the home to local gangs and how it's bad people's turf and what not. Your curiosity, probably too much of that made you get inside for a drink even though all the bones in your body ached. The inside is what you expected, nowhere near fancy but dingy, just decent enough. The people inside didn't look friendly and if the chains and tattoos on them gave any indication you'd say the rumours are true; this is the turf of gangs. The drinks taste decent, not the best but not the worst and from the overall look of this place you don't really have a reason to come back.

You're about to stand up from your stool when a large, clammy hand grabs your wrist out of nowhere, making you jump. "Hey sexy, sit down. Let me buy you a drink," the owner of the hand, a large, tattooed middle aged man slurs making your nose scrunch out of disgust. You're wearing nothing that can be called sexy; a plain cardigan and jeans and the way he looks you up and down makes you want to poke his eyes out.

You really shouldn't have come here. Clenching your jaw, you meet his eyes, "What makes you think I'm interested to have a drink with you?"

"Oh come on, why would you be here then, lookin' all nice? Just sit down," the man drawls, an ugly smile on his face. He still hasn't let go of your wrist and it's making you impatient. Looks like you're gonna have to kick his balls tonight. Maybe the self defense classes didn't completely go to waste.

"Get your disgusting hands off me while I'm being nice, sleazeball," you hiss at him, trying to get his hand off. The man stands up growling, "What did you say you bitch?" You're preparing to break his nose when out of nowhere a punch lands on his face that sends him tumbling to the ground. The attacker gets on top of him and twists his arm and you can literally hear a bone snap.

Shit.

"I think she said she is not interested," the man hisses, landing yet another another hit on his face before kicking his groin and getting up. When he turns around and his eyes meet yours, your heart skips a few beats and you almost The man is drop dead gorgeous, someone you would not expect to see here but probably on the cover of a high end magazine. His blond hair is long, crossing the nape of his neck as well as some covering his forehead. What takes your breath away the most is his eyes, the most beautiful pair you've ever seen. They seem to have their own galaxies in them, so deep and mesmerising and decorated with lashes long enough to make you jealous. His dress up, black jacket and jeans, immediately tells you what he is; a gang member.

"You should get home, lady," He speaks in a no nonsense tone, his face cold as ice. But you're offended. "Excuse me? Who are you calling lady? You make it sound like I'm old." You puff your cheeks and cross your arms, trying to appear intimidating. "Besides I had the situation under control, you didn't need to butt in." The man keeps looking at you with that no nonsense look, his features displaying annoyance if you are right and he's clearly not intimidated. The dude on the floor grunts and makes an effort to get up, only to be kicked by your saviour once more. "Hey Mingyu, get him out of here. What was this piece of trash doing here anyway?" The man orders to someone before turning to look at you, "Do you live far?"

"Uh- no, a ten minutes walk from here maybe," you reply unsurely, surprised at his question. The blond haired man nods before grabbing your wrist, "I'll walk you home. Hurry up, lady." You have a feeling he's purposely calling you that and though you start following him out of the bar, you make grunts of protest.

"Oh yeah, why? Trying to find out my address? So you can come later and hurt me like that guy?" You would not be this brazen if it wasn't for the alcohol in your system, after all the man next you isn't a friendly one if the rumours are true. The man raises a brow at you, "Did you do something that requires me to beat you up?" You hiccup at his serious tone. Does he not get a joke? He lets go of your hand now that you're at a safe distance from the bar but still stays close enough to you as your steps are rather stumbling and messy. You aren't fully drunk but your body is tired and feels like will shut down any second.

You really need some sleep.

"You know I'm not that drunk. You don't have to walk me home." You complain. "I'm walking you home because this isn't a nice place you should be alone at night. What happened earlier could happen again." He says not looking at you. "Mhmm," you keep on trudging behind him, "Thank you so much for your kind gesture, sir." You mock him but he doesn't reply, staring straight ahead, completely ignoring you as he walks quietly. In silence you two walk the rest of the path, before finally stopping as your apartment comes into view. At this point it feels like your bones will break and you will plop down on the concrete any second, but you manage to keep standing. "Well, thanks for walking me home." You shift your weight from one foot to another. "And for helping me back there." He shrugs coolly, a bored expression on his face. He's turning to walk away when you call, "Hey- I didn't get your name."

"What do you need it for?" He side glances at you. You shrug, "I don't know. You helped me so I thought it'd be nice to know your name." "You don't need to. Go inside, lady." He says, his tone final and starts marching away. You wait a couple moments before yelling, "Asshole!" and quickly rushing inside your building, partly afraid he's gonna come back.

You won't be surprised if you get killed tonight.

-

"So you are telling me Choi Seungcheol walked you home?" Katelyn screams in your ear, jolting up from her seat, earning glares from other people at the library in the process. "That's his name?" You whisper-yell, grabbing her hand to pull her back down. "I'm guessing from the blond hair you said," Katelyn shrugs. "Uh huh." You mean back in your chair, "He was hot though."

"Is that seriously all you have to say?" Katelyn whines exasperatedly. "No, I mean, if it wasn't for the way he dresses or talks I would have thought he's a model or something." You murmur.

"Are you sure he didn't hurt you?" Katelyn questions. "Hell no!" You frown. "He saved me from that creepy old dude. I was surprised too. I wish I didn't drink so much, I could have gotten a better look at his face," you sigh. "Seriously?" Katelyn raises a brow at you.

"Girl, you should have seen him. His aura and the way he carried himself was...so hot." You grin to yourself. Katelyn watches you like you've grown two heads. "Are you trying to tell me you have a crush on that gangster?" You smile sheepishly, "Maybe, I mean it's harmless. He was broody yet charming and I'm a girl so.... Also, it's not like he likes me too and is gonna come running whenever I ask him to bang me." You mutter.

"Oh he's gonna break your bones and bang your skull against a wall. That's what he's gonna do."

"Come on! Maybe he isn't so bad. Maybe the rumours are just rumours. Maybe he just looks intimidating and dresses up like that and people thinks he's a gangster." "Really? His name is on every bad thing that happens around here. From illegal racing to murders. Do you know that people say he has killed too?" "Like I said, rumours," you shrug being your stubborn self. Katelyn holds her hands up in surrender, "You know what? It doesn't matter. I'm glad you're alive so let's just put this behind us, shall we?" You don't reply but wiggle your brows at her, a conspirational look on your face. "Oh no, don't look at me like that," Katelyn warns. "Let's go to that bar tonight. Please?" You give her your best puppy eyes. "What are you? Fucking crazy? You wanna get killed?" She whisper-yells, scowling at you. "No. I just wanna take another look at him. Without the alcohol in my system you know. Besides, the place isn't that bad." You reply.

"Well then get killed by yourself. I'm not coming with you."

"I'll help you with your papers for the rest of the semester."

"Shit."

-

"Well, looks like your wish won't be coming true," Katelyn muses chugging down her fourth glass as you keep playing with your first one. It's nearing an hour since you've come to the bar and there has been no sign of the man you desperately seek. The place is exactly like it was the other day, filled with people who you wouldn't want to mess with.

Yet here you are.

"Let's call it a night," Katelyn sighs. "We're just wasting our time." You know that too but you don't want to leave; not just yet. You are well aware that this is just pathetic but you've this crazy urge to see that man once again. You don't know why you feel this way; you never felt like this before. Why are thinking yourself to death about a complete stranger? Has some kind of spell been casted on you?

"Yeah, let's get going," you murmur half heartedly. You help your friend stand up as she's a little wobbly on her feet and together you make your way through the door. "Should we call a cab?" You ask Katelyn. She shakes her head no and you nod, you arms wrapped around hers to support her in case she looses her balance. You start stepping away from the bar and towards the road to her place until a noise from behind makes you stop in your tracks.

"Did you hear that?" You ask, whipping your head behind. There's no one around and the street is mostly dark other than the light flashing from the name of the bar. You hear the sound once again and this time you can locate where it's coming from. There's an abandoned playground at the back of the bar and you've a feeling that's the source.

Katelyn hisses as she sees you step towards there. "What are you doing!"

"Didn't you hear that?"

"Yes I did. That's why I say we leave!" You ignore her and cautiously keep on stepping forward, mentally cursing yourself for wearing heels. Katelyn follows behind you murmuring all kinds of warnings. "You know curiosity killed the cat, right?" She whispers.

You roll your eyes, "Well I'm not a cat. Just- be quiet. It can be nothing." You both move past the bar gingerly and towards the playground at the back. There are old gallons of oil and abandoned materials just around the corner and you two quickly hide among them. It takes you a while to get adjusted to the low light after you poke your head up from the hiding spot.

You're eyes fix on him immediately. His blond hair makes him easily recognisable amid the darkness. There is a few more people around him, all kicking something in the ground. Not something, but someone. The man lying on the ground groans in pain and you realize this is what you both heard. "Shit," You hear Katelyn curse from beside you. "We need to get going." Instead of replying, you keep your eyes trained on the scene unfolding, holding your breath. You're tranced. Seungcheol lands continuous punched on the guy laying below him and after a moment his writhing frame seems to stop moving as it falls limp.

Fuck.

"You know in movies this is the part where people get caught." Katelyn whispers, her voice hoarse and her hand clutching yours in a tugging motion. "Uh-huh. But I can't seem to move. I wonder if he's... really dead." You whisper back. "Are you fucking crazy!" She hisses. "You wanna witness murder?"

Before you can reply you hear a sound that echoes through the empty field and it takes a second for you two to realise that it came from any one of you two. You don't have the time to figure out who made it as you both are crawling away from the playground without looking back, head crouched low to avoid being seen. You don't know if they heard that or if they're coming behind you, you both just keep scrambling, moving until you're past the corner. As soon as possible you both get on your feet and run like the grim reaper is chasing you, stopping only when you are far enough from the bar.

"I am never listening to you again!" Katelyn yells.

-

It's been a good few days since your near death experience and you somehow find yourself in front of that bar once again. You and Katelyn have not brought up that incident after that night. You made yourself believe that it was over and came to a conclusion that it is better to forget that man and leave all of it behind, no matter how much your heart disagreed. But it's easier said than done; you may not mention him out loud but in the back of your mind you think of him. He's like a ghost, haunting you all the time, plagueing your thoughts when you go to bed at night. It felt like he was ever existent and there was an itch in your heart that drove you insane.

Maybe that's why your subconscious brought you here, in front of Seventeen's, once again. You were on your way back home from library and you thought you took your usual route, until you realized you were standing in front of that place. But what is even terrifying is that the man haunting your mind stands in front of the entrance of the bar and you blink a few times to make sure you are not hallucinating. He's leaned against the entrance door, cigarette between his lips and from his pocket he fetches a lighter to light the poison in his mouth.

Damn, lighting up a cigarette never looked this sexy.

He hasn't seen you yet and you contemplate running the other way. That's the sensible thing to do but you, not being a sensible person, start walking towards him. Your footsteps make him look up and notice you and like the last time, there is no expression on his face. It's the same bored yet handsome face except now in daylight you can take a better look at him and this time, you notice a little mole on the left of his face, by his nose. Realising he's gonna stay silent you decide to speak, "Hi... It's me... Do you remember me?" Wow. That's such an intelligent thing to ask.

With the monotoned yet serious expression on his face, he goes, "Why won't I? I don't have Alzheimer's."

So he can joke.

You laugh, an awkward, probably exaggerated laugh. "What are you doing here? Did you not learn your lesson last time?" He cuts to the chase, his voice brassy and deep, almost threatening. You want to roll your eyes. "Who are you to say? I can be wherever I want whenever I want, thank you very much." "Well then, have fun getting in trouble like last time." He's nonchalant as he blows a smoke right past you and stands up straight, turning away. "Wait!" You almost grab his hand, desperate to stop him.

What is wrong with you? Your subconscious slaps her forehead. What are you holding him back for? To say 'hello sir, I think you're hot, can you please put your dick inside me'? Seungcheol turns his head back, his eyebrow cocked up.

Why do you find everything about him so attractive?

"Um...I know your name, Seungcheol." You speak, trying to sound intimidating, like knowing his name gives you some power over him. There's something definitely wrong with you which is why you don't want him to leave just yet and which is why you're stalling time. But it seems to have done the job as he pulls the cigarette out of his mouth and turns towards you, an annoyed look on his face. "How do you know that?" The timbre of his tone is deep and it rakes shivers down your spine. "Well, you've built quite a reputation for yourself so it isn't hard to get your name." You shrug coolly. "Well, if you know so much about my reputation, you should know what I'm capable of." His lone is low, almost threating as he starts to take slow steps towards you making you step back out of reflex.

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Maybe you will also end up like the curious cat.

"Oh yes, I know. People have got a lot to say about you," you try to sound unfazed, not meeting his eyes that you feel are burning holes on your face. "What are you doing here, lady?" he asks slowly, pausing between each word and glaring at you as he continues to step forward. You can feel his patience thinning.

"I swear to God if you call me that-"

"What are you doing here?" This time his tone is scary, too scary. It makes you lose the ability to speak for a second as his dark gaze bores into you. He has backed you up against the wall behind you and you swallow. Right, what are you doing here? It probably has something to do with a very hot individual and his insanely attractive aura. Scratch that you are a hundred percent sure it has something to do with the blond haired, enticing man in front of you. He's driving you mad and you need to get your fill of him.

"Go out with me," you state and you are sure you've never spoken words more stupid than that. Internally, you cringe and pray that the ground below you would open and take you straight to the fiery pits.

This is the first time you see some sort of expression come across his face; surprise. He looks utterly shocked and somewhat confused. His mouth opens just a little and he squints at you, "What?"

There's no going back now.

"Go out with me. Let's go on three dates." you say once more, looking him in the eye. He seems to appear even more surprised, a dumbstruck look sitting on his face. He observes you quietly for a while and you can feel the gears in his head shifting. You wonder what he's gonna say next. Or maybe he won't say anything but bang your head on the wall and leave you to die alone. "I'm sorry I'm not following," he looks genuinely perplexed. "I want to go on three dates with you. They say after three dates you can figure out whether you like that person or not and I think I like you so..."

I think I like you.

The biggest understatement of the year.

Seungcheol tilts his head, an amused expression on his face as he studies you, those sharp eyes of his settling on yours, "What is your deal, sweetheart?" He crosses his arms, a brow raised. Sweetheart? That's new. And definitely better than lady. You can't deny how hearing him call you that makes your insides melt. "Nothing. I just want to date you," you shrug, trying to keep your wits together. His proximity is driving you wild; you can sniff a faint smell of cologne and cigarette, him being inches away from you. This time he laughs loudly, a mocking laugh you'd say. "Who sent you?"

Oh my god.

You roll your eyes. "Nobody sent me! Do I look like I'm a gang member or something?" "Then I don't see a reason why you'd want to date me," He states, throwing a challenging look at you.

"What if I said I have a thing for bad boys?"

He snorts. "You don't look the type to date bad boys," he mocks. "Who are you to say that?" You cross your arms. "I want to date you because I think you're hot, okay?" You can not believe you just said that. Looks like you don't have control over your mouth anymore. Warmth spreads throughout your face like a forest fire.

Seungcheol narrows his eyes on you, his tongue poking his cheek as he stands in front of you as if trying to read your mind. After a beat he sighs before looking at you, his eyes becoming darker than usual and his gaze unforgiving. "Hey. Does it look like I'm playing house here? Do you have any idea about the shit I do? The dirty work I do? I don't care if you have a fucking fetish or whatever but this is the last time I'm warning you. I don't want to see you around again. If I see you here once more, you're in fucking trouble," he spits and starts stomping away. His tone is serious and you know very well he is not joking, which is why you use your last resort. You're embarrassed at yourself for being so desperate but at the same time you feel shameless. It has almost turned into a game at this point, you want to make him surrender. That's right, you want him to give in. "You shouldn't be like that with me. I saw you, a few days ago. That night, when you and your friends were beating up that guy...in the playground," you casually stroll to come stand right behind him.

You can't believe you are blackmailing a gangster. Your death must be near.

Seungcheol whips his head back, his eyes glaring at you and you can almost see fire in them. Finally, you got his attention.

"My friend also saw it, we both did. You killed him, didn't you? Me and my friend witnessed a murder. What do you say? Should we go to the station?" You can see his jaw clench and you can't hold back a victorious smirk. Moments pass by as your words hang in the air and the tension between you gets thicker. Yet once more he surprises you, breaking the silence with a chuckle, "Well I killed one person, what makes you think I can't take care of another?"

You swallow.

"Well, my friend already knows so if I go missing you can be sure that the cops will come to you first." You throw back at him.

When did you get so wreckless?

Seungcheol stares at you for a few more seconds before shrugging and moving his hand dismissively, "Well then go tell the cops. I don't give a shit." He starts walking back to the bar leaving you starstruck. He stops and turns towards you before opening the door, "Also, I meant it. I hope I don't see you around. Otherwise I may just have to hurt that pretty face."

-

You don't show up after that.

Mostly because you are embarasssed.

It's been a good while after your last encounter with Seungcheol and you didn't go to the police, obviously. Because you don't have evidence and from what you've heard Seungcheol is pretty influential around here and you don't need to go to an extent to get on his bad side. You're definitely gonna end up dead if you do so, which you don't want just yet.

Classes have just finished and you and Katelyn step out of the classroom together, walking through the hallways and into the main campus. She rambles on about some bad sushi she ate yesterday while your mind remains preoccupied. Maybe you need to get laid. Maybe that'll make you forget about Seungcheol. You just need good dick that's probably why you were so desperate for him.

That's just a stupid lie.

You don't realise Katelyn is calling you until she shakes you by the shoulder and you snap back into reality. You notice her face is as pale as a ghost and following her line of sight your eyes stop on him.

Him. Seungcheol.

What?

You double take, blinking furiously to confirm your vision. He's standing there, in the parking area of your uni, leaned against a convertible Ferrari, a cigarette between his lips. He looks relaxed, like he does this regularly. Students whisper in each others ear while gawking at him curiously. "What did you do!" Katelyn yells. "Nothing!" You hiss back.

"Then why is he here!"

"I don't know!"

Your eyes meet with Seungcheol's and a smirk spreads across his face making you shiver. He stands up straight and tilts his head, an indication for you to come closer to him. "Fuck, he's here for me," you mumble. "Of course he's here for you, dumbass," Katelyn snaps. "Well, if I don't return, you know who killed me." You sigh starting to walk towards him. "Wait- you're going with him?" She asks incredulously.

"Don't worry. I'll keep my phone on. I don't think he's gonna murder me, I mean there are so many witnesses." You inhale deeply, leaving behind a lost looking Katelyn.

Seungcheol says nothing as you stand right in front of him raising an inquisitive brow but he only holds open the door for you to get in. Deciding to follow him you enter the car quietly and a wave of gasps go through the crowd.

There's gonna be talk about this tomorrow.

Seungcheol, still smirking victoriously for some reason rounds the car and gets inside and within seconds you're hitting the road. There's a thick silence for a while, which feels like ages to you. You're overwhelmed, bewildered to say anything; your poor brain still processing what is happening. You're nervous, jittery as you fiddle with you bag and look out on your side, for some reason scared to look at him.

What if he really kills you? He wouldn't, right?

"You're awfully quiet," Seungcheol says matter of factly as he spares you a glance while driving.

"I'm... processing."

"What are you, a robot?"

"Why are you doing this?" You question instead.

"Doing what?"

"Okay, you know very well what I mean. Why are you picking me up from uni all of a sudden? How do you even know I'm a student there?" "I have resources and...you didn't protest at all. You came along nicely," Seungcheol raised a brow at you, a cocky smile on his lips. You don't answer but continue to stare at him, trying to pin him down with your gaze. He finally sighs and pulls the car to a stop by the side of the road, the sudden brake making you slightly jerk in your seat. "I've decided to give you those 3 dates. That's why," He is calm, unreadable and you wonder if this is a prank. Then again, he has no reason to prank you, does he? "Really?" Your voice comes out breathy. "Yes. I thought I'd give you a taste of how it feels to be with someone like me. I can scare people without physically hurting them you know," He says in a menacing tone.

"So what? You're taking me to an underground fight or something?" You question. "Nah, we're keeping it simple today." He smirks as he starts the car again and turns on the radio, an indication that he doesn't want to converse anymore.

Shamelessly you take a good look at Seungcheol; he's dressed in another jacket today paired with a black tee underneath. Today, you notice he has upped his accessory game, his fingers full of rings and chains dangling from his neck. But what catches your attention is a tattoo, something like a dragon and words written in a language you don't understand, peeking from underneath his sleeve. You almost ask about it but decide it'll probably be too much and he wouldn't answer you anyway.

As you do so, in the back of your mind you think you should have dressed better, something cuter, more appropriate for a date rather than a plain blouse and jeans. But then again who knew Choi Seungcheol was gonna show up out of the blue. You're gnawing at your lower lip, lost in your thoughts when the car is pulled to a halt and you realize your ride is over. You're parked in front of a diner called Lacy's and from the vibe that the place is giving, you can tell that this is place where people like him hang out. You raise a questioning brow at Seungcheol who says, "I know it doesn't look fancy but trust me I has some of the best food I've ever eaten." Taking his words for now you quickly type out a text to Katelyn letting her know you're in one piece and get out of the car.

Once you're seated you look around the place which is relatively empty except some men playing pool at the far end. You watch Seungcheol who has gone to the reception booth to place your orders; his posture relaxed as he leans against the counter and talks to the girl standing there. They seem to know each other because their chat takes longer than it should and the girl has a shy, almost flirty smile on her face.

He probably fucks her.

You shake the thought off your head as the gangster comes back and sits in front of you. There's silence for a second as you wonder if you should just ask the questions that run free around your mind. "Are the rumours true?" You blurt out. He's raises a brow.

"About you. You know..."

"Do you want them to be true?" He asks back. "I don't...know," you reply. "Well, I think it depends on each person. If you want it to be true it is true, if you don't it isn't," he shrugs, leaning back in his chair. "Why don't you just give me a straight answer?" you snap. He smirks as if he's having fun but doesn't reply, watching you with his arms crossed. You roll your your eyes, blowing out an exasperated breath. "You know, I haven't seen one like you. Willingly hanging out with dangerous people, going to dangerous places. You say you saw me kill someone yet you're here. You're almost desperate to get in trouble," he observes. "I'm not desperate to get in trouble. I just...I'm just- attracted to you alright?" This is so embarrassing. You need to shut your mouth. "You've been on my mind ever since that night. I wanna see exactly how deep I'm into you." You bite your lip.

That's enough. You will boost his ego through the roof like this.

Seungcheol studies you for a bit before grinning cockily, "Well, if you didn't know, I am trouble baby. Just you being with me might end you up in a mess." Before you can reply, your food is served, that same girl from the booth setting down your plates and looking at Seungcheol for a bit too long with that same stupid smile which he returns. You don't know why but you feel jealous, jealous of whatever these two share, whatever she has with him.

You've lost your mind at this point. You're on a high that is Seungcheol. He has made you forget your morals, made you completely lose your mind. Or maybe you've been too good all your life and seeing him brought out that crazy, thrill seeking part of yourself.

Silently you dig into your food and as Seungcheol said, the food is really good. This is one of the best meatloaf you've ever had and you can't help but moan. Seungcheol watches you with an amused smile before popping a fry in his mouth.

"What's your major?" Seungcheol asks out of the blue.

"Uh- sociology."

"Mmhmm."

You're about to ask him what he studied in college but you assume he probably never went to one so you seal your lips. You wonder what his background is and who his parents are but you don't want to get too personal on the first day. So you ask something else, "How old are you?" He laughs out loud before he deadpans, "Thirty five." "What!" You almost choke.

There's no way he's-

"Why? What did you expect?"

"I... I don't know! A few years older than me? You're kidding right? You don't look thirty five." He has to be bluffing. "And how old would you be?" "You shouldn't ask a woman her age," you try to make a point. "Don't you have any manners?" He smirks,"I don't, sweetheart. To answer your question, I'm twenty eight."

Uh huh.

"Well, I'm twenty one," you mutter under your breath. You don't know if he hears it because he doesn't give any reaction, busy twirling a fry in sauce. The rest of your meal is full of silence as you wonder if your date will end like this; dry and boring. He's awfully silent and seems to be lost in thoughts as he doesn't engage in a conversation. You're about to take your last bite when the silence is broken by him.

"What did you see that night?" He leans over, his elbows resting on the table as he suddenly regards you with a sombre look, his earlier cockiness vanished. His eyes have once again gone dark and his demeanor says he's not being superficial right now. You're caught off guard as you cough loudly, reaching for your glass to take a sip of water. "What?"

"You heard me. What did you see that night? Exactly how much did you see?" He repeats. You're confused. You thought he didn't care about it. He said it didn't matter. So why is he bringing it up now? You've worked hard to push that night in the deepest part of your brain, pretending it didn't happen.

And then suddenly it clicks.

"You!" You point an accusatory finger at him as you catch on to his plan. "You've agreed to go out with me so that you can find out what I saw that night!" Seungcheol groans, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Ugh, just fucking tell me!" He snaps, annoyed that you've found out his little scheme. You scoff, "I thought you said you didn't care? Besides it's not like I'm going to tell the police." He rolls his eyes and leans back into the couch. "Just tell me and let me go."

You're baffled. His actions didn't make any sense and you actually thought he had no other intentions behind dating you but holy shit this sneaky bastard. "You sly little asshole!" You hiss at him. "Call me that once more and you'll regret it." He threatens. You roll your eyes sagging back into your seat, "Whatever." Then an idea hits you. "You know what, I'll tell you exactly how much I saw that night." You have Seungcheol's full attention now as he stares intensely at you, waiting for your next words. "On our third date. When this whole deal is over, I'll tell you. But in return you'll have to keep your promise and take me out on two more dates."

"Oh fucking hell," he groans rubbing his face in frustration. His state makes you smirk and you feel accomplished.

Choi Seungcheol is stressed because of you.

What a day to be alive.

You murmur, "Besides this isn't even a proper date. This was more like an interrogation. But I'll go easy on you and won't make you redo this date." You give him a sweet smile and he sees red. You can literally see fury blaze in his eyes. "Whatever!" He yells and abruptly stands up. "I don't have time for this. Your stupid play date is over. I'm dropping you home."

Before you can reply, he's marching towards the door. You've to admit this wasn't the best date but at least you've trapped Choi Seungcheol.

-

It has been a good week after your so called date at the diner and you haven't heard from him. You expected him to call or text you since he was gracious enough to ask for your number but he didn't. You now realize it was a mistake to not get his number; you had asked him for his when he took yours but being the prick he is he denied to hand over his number to you. You should have forced him to, you sigh. As you sit in the library the ping of your mobile distracts you from your racing thoughts as you realize you have a message. Picking the device up you tap on the notification. Even though it was from an unknown number, you have no trouble figuring out who it is from. A smile graces your lips as you read the words over again.

I'll pick you up from your house tomorrow evening at six.

That's all it says and that is good enough to send a thrum of excitement throughout your body.

-

You have not held back in dressing up today and you realize it's been a long time since you've dolled up yourself. A long before the clock strikes 6 you are ready; dressed in a cute pastel top and a matching skirt. You've also went ahead and applied makeup, not too much but just enough to maybe catch his eye. Maybe.

You wonder what he has planned for today.

A text from Seungcheol saying he's here has you flying out of your apartment as fast as your feet can carry your desperate self to see him. He stands in front of your apartment with his convertible, dressed in a white jacket that matched his pants. You take a deep breath before walking towards him, trying to calm all your nerves down.

"You know I expected to hear from you earlier. I've been waiting all week," you voice makes his head turn around to meet your eyes as you are skipping towards him with a teasing smile in your face. "I've been busy," he shrugs coolly, his eyes going over your whole body, from your legs to your face. He doesn't hide that he's taking a good look at you, in fact does it unashamedly.

You wonder if he likes what he sees.

Someone dressed up today," he comments. "Too bad we aren't going to a place where you can show off your pretty clothes." You frown, "Where are we going?" Seungcheol holds open the door, a mischievous smile on his face. "I've decided to grant your wish." With a confused face you get inside the car, the gears in your head running. What does he mean?

"I'm taking you to an underground fighting ring," he says with smirk as he reaches for something behind his seat. He pulls out a large hoodie and tosses it towards you, "Put this on. Otherwise you are going to attract a lot of attention and you don't want that." You gulp, taking the hoodie and putting it on you. You're slightly embarrassed. You were so excited to try this outfit but it's not like you knew he was taking you to a fight club. Hell you would have dressed like a guy if you knew. You shrug on the hoodie and it falls almost to your knees but it's huge and comfy and most importantly it smells like him. There's a hint of cologne, nothing too strong; a subtle, expensive scent that makes you want to take a deeper sniff. You wonder if you can keep this with you.

Stop it, pervert.

Seungcheol's voice pulls you out of your haze, "You can take it off later. Just wear it until we're out of there," he says and brings the engine to life.

Then you actually think about it. Underground fighting ring? Holy shit. You were only kidding when you mentioned it. Admittedly, you're shocked, somewhat horrified. Everyone knows it isn't the best place to be at especially for someone like you who never had such an experience. Seungcheol must have seen your expression because the smile on his face gets bigger, "Why? You not up for it?" His voice is teasing.

He's challenging you.

Oh well.

"Of course I'm up for it," you square your shoulders, keeping your voice cool. "Bring it on."

-

Seungcheol leads you into a bar and then through a door at the back that leads down to a lot of stairs, reaching a place similar to an underground parking lot. Quietly you follow Seungcheol, staying as close to him as possible, your bodies occasionally touching. He leads you to a pair of double doors and from the other side you can hear men shouting and chanting.

This is it, I guess.

Seungcheol throws one more smile at you before pushing open the doors as you scramble to follow him closely. The sight that greets you something you only see in movies. There's a boxing ring where two people are throwing punches at each other and surrounding them from all sides is a wild, loud and excited crowd. They continue to cheer loudly as the two men in the ring continue to box and you hear their grunts and groans.

Holy shit.

Swallowing your eyes meet Seungcheol's who is regarding you with curiosity. "What do you think?" He has to speak loudly for you to hear over the screaming throng. "Uh... It's loud," you say dumbly as you try to think of a reply. But it's too loud for you to even think properly as you take in your unfamiliar surroundings. You see a tall man approaching towards you and out of reflex you shuffle closer to Seungcheol until you realize it's his friend. The guy from the first night. He and Seungcheol grin at each other, patting their backs as they talk close to each others ears. You gawk at them curiously and realize they must be talking about you because his friend takes curious glances at you occasionally. His friend is tall, really tall and well built but unlike his body his face is sweet and puppy like, almost cute. When he grins his canines pop up just like a puppy and you wonder if all his friends are good looking.

After he's done chatting with his friend Seungcheol pulls you close and says, "This is my friend. Mingyu. Always stay near him, you hear me? Don't stray away unless you wanna get hurt." His eyes are stern as he pins you down with his stare but you have other thoughts running in your head.

"What do you mean? Where are you going?" You yell over the noise.

He just smirks at you and starts taking his jacket off. "About time you see how we do it around here." His tone is cocky as he hands his jacket to you, "Hold this for me. And stay close to him."

Giving a look at Mingyu Seungcheol starts walking away towards a door that you're guessing is the changing room.

He's gonna fight.

"Wait- but-" Mingyu stops you with a hand on your shoulder and offers you a kind smile. "It's fine. Just stay with me." He then ushers you towards the crowd, spotting a place where you can get a good look at the ring. "Do you guys do this often?" You look up at Mingyu. He smiles sheepishly, "Not me. I tried a few times and I always end up beaten to a pulp. But hyung does this often, he's really good."

"Uh huh, I'm sure he is," you smile dryly. "This is your first time watching a fight, no?" "Definitely." He grins, "Watch carefully then. It's really fun."

You have your doubts on how watching people beat each other up can be fun but you don't comment anything, instead chew on your lip anxiously. Seungcheol really didn't have to go this far? What if he gets hurt badly? Is he trying to impress you?

Don't flatter yourself, your subconscious rolls her eyes.

As the loud cheering that had died down ensues again, your train of thoughts are halted as you see Seungcheol in shorts and his hands covered in boxing gloves, step into the ring. You can't help but ogle at his naked torso, his finely defined and chiseled muscles. He has the perfect body, not too bulky, not too lean just the right amount that gives you a hard time taking your eyes off him. He seems to have noticed your gaze because the second your eyes meet, he throws a haughty, knowing smirk at you. Embarrassed you avert your gaze elsewhere.

His opponent is a muscular man who's growling and banging his chest with his fists, a gesture of intimidation, you suppose. You are definitely intimidated and you wonder if Seungcheol can actually win against him.

The fight starts with a whistle and in mere seconds they are on to each other, throwing punches left and right. Your eyes have a hard time keeping up with them and their fast reflexes and your hands fly to your mouth as a punch lands on Seungcheol's face, followed by repeated blows as Seungcheol falls back. There's a moment of silence as he wipes his bottom lip and you realize there's a cut.

He tilts his neck, popping the bones and glaring at the other man before launching himself on top of his opponent. The next moments are a blurry mess, Seungcheol beating the guy repeatedly until he ends up on the floor but he doesn't stop there. Seungcheol ends it with a sharp jab to his spine and you have no doubt the other man has broken bones with the ways he howls in pain. The match comes to an end like that as the people cheer wildly while Seungcheol steps down from the stage. Mingyu grins at you happily as if what you witnessed was just a regular occurrence, something you should be cheerful about. Shaking your head at the situation, you let out a deflated sigh.

Their life is really so different than yours.

-

Seungcheol seems to be in a very good mood after the fight as he buys you both some sandwiches and drinks from a deli after you both step out of the bar. You both sit down at a park nearby to eat and watch the night sky. "You know, I thought you were gonna lose," you speak after taking a few bites of the sandwich. Seungcheol scoffs, "You underestimate me, sweetheart. I've been doing this for a long time."

"Do you enjoy it?" You ask quietly, focused on peeling the wrapper from your food. You feel Seungcheol's stare on you. "Yes. Why? Are you scared already?"

"No. I was just... curious. Your definition and my definition of fun is totally different." You murmur. "Of course. What did you think? I go to the mall and shop and watch movies with my friends when I'm bored?" His tone is sarcastic. You bite your lip. "No I didn't. It's just...I feels different now that I have experienced it first hand." Seungcheol offers nothing more, taking a sip of his coke and leaning back into the bench. A silence stretches between the both of except the rustling of the wrapper of your food. "How long have you been doing this?" You blurt out. He frowns at you and you don't expect him to answer but he surprises you.

"For a long time."

He doesn't offer anymore and you don't have the heart to prod him for an actual answer. "And how long do you plan on doing this?"

"What?"

"I mean... don't you have any other plans. Like...do you wanna keep doing what you are doing for the rest of your life? Don't you wanna like... settle down maybe?" Your voice is soft as if you are talking to a child. Seungcheol looks annoyed. He doesn't speak for a while as he stares at the ground, a frown etched to his face. You're about to take back your question when he replies, "I really don't think you understand. I've been trying to tell you that my life is completely disparate to yours. So I don't think like you. I don't have plans like you but neither am I expected to follow a certain pattern like you. I can do whatever the fuck I want, ___. So don't look at me like you pity me. I'm the last person here that should be pitied. " His tone is sharp and it makes you feel bad, like a sensation of needles pricking your heart. "I didn't mean it like that. I'm sorry," You whisper, feeling timid as you look down at your lap. He mutters, "Don't go poking your nose in other people's business. Specially people like me."

He's right. You shouldn't have asked that. You are not close enough to ask things like that. After that there is a silence, this time, an awkward one. There's palpable tension in the air and you feel jittery. Should you just ask him to take you home?

It's still early and truth be told, you don't want to leave him just yet. You only have one more date to go and judging by his reaction, he is in no way interested in a relationship. You heave out a long sigh. You knew very well what you were getting into, yet you couldn't stop yourself. Seungcheol is like a poison, the sweetest one, the one that has you addicted and unable to let go, no matter how much it hurts.

This is a fucking mess.

"Let's get going. I have plans," Seungcheol announces, standing up. You want to protest but you feel like you have ruined the mood, so you follow him mutely to his car.

The drive to your house is awfully quiet, to the point you want to scream out of frustration. Seungcheol seems to be lost in his head as he makes no move to talk. It's like you are alone, but you're not and it's worse, the air full of tension. Soon you have reached your house and he stops the car but keeps the engine rolling, indicating his rush. He keeps still and stares ahead while gripping the steering wheel as you step out of the car in silence. "Thanks for dropping me home," you say lamely, your voice meek. You turn around to walk away but his voice stops you in your tracks.

"I promised you three dates and I will keep my word. I expect you to keep yours, ___. I hope you will tell me what I want to hear when we meet next time." His tone is sharp with an edge of threat and you barely get to nod before he drives away.

It's not until you're inside your apartment that you realize you still have his hoodie on. Quickly fishing out your phone you type out a text.

I'm sorry, I forgot to return your hoodie.

After a while, his reply comes.

Keep it.

-

You watch Katelyn as she fills her lunch tray with food before walking over and taking a seat opposite to you. She looks extra radiant today, which probably has something to do with the way she's dressed; a bright colourful outfit which undoubtedly she put a lot of time into considering. She has a date, with a guy she has been talking to for the last few weeks. It reminds you of your pitiful situation and you sigh, trying to shrug off those thoughts.

It has been a good couple weeks since you last saw Seungcheol and you have not exchanged a word after that night. In the back of your mind you wonder if he is even alive. You want to message him, you really want to because you are going crazy but after how your last date ended, you can't bring yourself to. You are scared, exactly of what, you can't put your finger into.

The entire situation you have put yourself into is fucking scary. They say you become sure of your feelings after three dates but it did not take that much for you. You already are very certain about your feelings for him and how deep they run exactly and you also know that in the end you will be left scarred. He would never be yours. He has probably forgotten about you or decided that it is not worth another date to figure out what you saw that night.

You let a desperate, pitiable sigh.

"I know you are hiding things from me but I understand that you are not ready to talk yet. But I want you to know I am here for you okay?" Katelyn's voice makes you blink your way out of your thoughts. She squeezes your hand tightly and gives you a reassuring smile and you're left feeling guilty.

"I ...I will tell you. Soon. Just give me a bit more time," you whisper. She nods in understanding. A grateful smile touches your lips as her words make you emotional. Then there's a ping from your phone letting you know there's a message. Without giving it much thought you open the device and your eyes go wide.

I'll take you out for dinner tomorrow night. Wear something formal.

-

You wait outside your apartment for Seungcheol. Your day has passed by in a flurry of excitement and nerves as you carefully picked your outfit and did your hair and makeup. A soft baby pink dress that stopped just above you knees adorns you as your hair rests just above your neck in a loose bun.

You are fiddling with your fingers as you think about how this night is gonna end and wether you will ever see him again when a car screech that grabs your attention.

Seungcheol's convertible has taken a stop in front of you and you see the man getting out the vehicle and take big steps towards you.

You're mesmerized.

Perhaps there is not enough word in this world to describe his looks or perhaps you've simple lost the ability to speak; either way, you just stand and stare, drinking the godly man that stands in front of you. He looks delectable, completely flawless and agonizingly gorgeous in his sharp black suit and pants, with a silk black shirt underneath, the top couple buttons undone that reveals a beautiful porcelain skin. His hairstyle completes the look, parted to one side in a sleek way and showing his forehead and oh god is it sexy. You realize you have a forehead kink, if there is anything as such.

If you weren't in love with him before you are now.

He looks ravishing, and you wonder why it isn't illegal to look this good. It should be because you have completely lost control over yourself. Nothing exists in your world except for him and you feel paralyzed, unable to do anything but drink him in. You wonder if you are even worthy to stand beside him.

"____?" Seungcheol calls you, snapping his fingers in front of your eyes. He must have been calling you while you were eye fucking him. "Oh! Um, hi." You're flustered. "You- you look really, really nice." It isn't enough but it's what you can get past your lips. A knowing smirk kisses his lips before he teases, "Well, you look really, really nice too." Motioning you to his car he says, "Shall we? We'll be late for our reservation."

"Yeah, of course," you say, hurrying over to his car, embarasssed at your foolery. Seungcheol must have noticed you ogling him like that. But you don't really care when he looks like that. It is his fault for looking so devilishly handsome and idly you wonder if he did that on purpose. If he's deliberately teasing with, trying to make you the most miserable before letting you go with a slap of reality to your face. Pushing away those plagueing thoughts, you sit up straight and clear your throat as Seungcheol comes to sit beside you and brings the engine to life.

A decently long and quiet (except for the music from the radio) but not quite uncomfortable car ride later, Seungcheol stops in front of a really fancy and expensive looking restaurant just by the sea. You did not except him to take you to a high end restaurant, otherwise you would have put some more effort in your looks.

Feeling slightly out of place you quietly follow Seungcheol into the beautiful European styled building after he hands his keys to a valet. The interior is dripping with polished furnitures and extravagant chandeliers and marble floors as guests dressed elegantly have their dinner. As you look around the place in awe Seungcheol talks to the receptionist who then guides you towards a staircase that leads to a pair of large double doors decorated with gold which then, opens to a large balcony. In the middle of it sits a table with two chairs and an unceremonious gasp escapes your mouth as you realize this is where you will be having dinner.

The man from earlier takes his leave as Seungcheol helps you sit down before taking a seat for himself while you take in everything, overwhelmed with all your surroundings. Why did he put so much effort for a lousy and fake date?

"What do you think?" He asks with a smirk as he rests one of his elbows on the table.

"I'm overwhelmed," you reply quietly, honestly. He chuckles, "Well this place has really good food and a fantastic view so I thought it wouldn't bad for our last date."

Last date.

"It's really beautiful. I don't know why you did this but thank you, really," you murmur, eyes on the satin table cloth with intricate golden lining. Everything about this place is so pretty.

"Well, I decided it would be beneficial for me to extract words from you if you are wooed," his words have a teasing tone to it and his demeanor is completely different from last time, giving you a whiplash but you are not sure if he's fully joking. Before you can say that you are definitely wooed, a waiter appears to take your order and you leave the duty of ordering to Seungcheol since he seems to frequent this place. Prior to his leave, the waiter pours you Seungcheol's champagne of choice and then, you two are alone once more.

Reaching for the flute, you quickly gulp down the champagne to soothe your dry throat and to calm all your nerves.

Over dinner you talk about your uni and your parents back home and the farm they own. While Seungcheol mostly keeps quiet he doesn't ignore you but listens carefully, occasionally passing glances your way or commenting. He does not offer anything about him, which you expected and you don't ask any questions about him either. Instead you try your best to keep his interest in your words despite the lack of it from his side.

After a hearty meal of poached lobsters and wagyu beefs and creamy soups comes dessert; a chocolate orange mousse with spiced fruits and yogurt sorbet. You start eating your dessert in silence, the occasional crashing of waves filling the complete lack of sounds.

This location is truly magnificent and breathtaking, almost having a feel like you're in a fancy resort in a luxurious tropical island. It is undoubtedly the most beautiful place you have ever been, let alone have dinner at and you wonder if you would ever have the chance to visit some place like this had you not met Seungcheol. The man in question, continues eating quietly, seemingly lost in his thoughts. He looks lovely as always, if not more and you try to burn this image in your mind for you to look back at later. You want to ask him so many question, you want to tell him so many things but you're scared. Sacred if you do so this moment will break, scared it will annoy him and end your final date all too early. So you bite your tongue and finish your food as he does and after your plates are cleared away, you are served another expensive champagne as an end to your luxurious dinner.

Even though Seungcheol doesn't say anything, you assume it is time to spill the beans, to say what he has been wanting to hear from the beginning. You have teased him enough and it is time you give him what he deserves. Taking a deep breath, you open your mouth. "Me and Katelyn heard noises from the playground that night so we decided to check. It was pretty dark and we were tipsy but I recognized you and you were... beating someone up. We stayed there and watched until one of us accidentally made some noise. We were scared that you heard us so we ran. That's all that happened."

You have Seungcheol's full attention now as he listens cautiously, his sharp eyes trained on you. Gulping, you clench your hands together underneath the table, waiting for his reaction. There seems to be an eternity of silence as Seungcheol simply stares at you as if he's debating whether your words are true or not. It's torturous, awfully agonizing and when you can't bear it anymore you're about to speak but he beats you to it.

"I didn't kill him." His voice is quiet. You let out a breath you didn't realize you were holding. Somewhere in the back of your mind you believed it, you believed he wouldn't be cruel enough to kill someone just like that and as soon as he speaks those words you believe him, without a doubt, without a second of delay.

"I believe you." You whisper, holding his gaze. "That asshole deserved what he got. He shouldn't even be alive but I let him go. He's in a hospital now, if you are wondering." You nod quietly. It's scary how much you believe him, how much you trust him even though he is pretty much a stranger.

There's a moment of silence as you bask in his presence before he speaks, "____, men like me, we aren't the nicest people. But we are needed, the cops need us around. People like me do the dirty works for people like you so y'all don't face troubles. We do things in an unconventional way but that's just who we are. We aren't as bad as the rumours say but we definitely aren't someone you should be with." You open your mouth to protest but his sharp gaze makes you stop. "If you have not understood it yet, let me say it out loud. I am trouble. People like me is always bad news. Whatever we did until now, I hope you forget. That's the best, ____ trust me. I think we both got what we wanted so let's call it a night." Just like that, he stands up, not waiting for your reply.

You gawk at him, baffled as he pays the bill and starts walking away. Tears burn the back of your eyes and you bite your lip to hold them back. The ending that you had expected has taken place but you are having a hard time accepting it. Your subconscious reminds you that you deliberately got yourself into this even though you saw this coming. So there is no one to blame for it but you. Grabbing your purse, you stomp your way out of the restaurant and towards Seungcheol's car.

Seungcheol barely acknowledges you as you both get in the car and he presses the key to the ignition. You are fuming in your seat, his words and the way he dismissed you cutting you deep. His words come to you, I think we both got what we wanted. You want to laugh. How can he possibly think that? Is he really so stupid or is he deliberately ignoring your interest in him? You want to smack his perfect face, curse and scream at him but all you can do is sit still with your arms crossed as steam comes out of your head. Is he really not curious about your feelings? Does he possess none for you? Does these few days with you mean nothing to him? You have so many unanswered questions. Leaning back into your seat, you close your eyes and let out a frustrated sigh.

It feels like in the blink of an eye the drive to your place is over as Seungcheol halts his car in front of your apartment. He does not utter a single word, doesn't even spare a glance at you while patiently waiting for you to get out of the car.

Asshole.

You inhale deeply, trying your best to gather yourself together as you take off your seatbelt and turn towards him.

"Seungcheol?" Few seconds pass before he looks at you. Words are stuck in your throat. When your eyes meet his, you become mute, overwhelmed with emotions as your words die in your tongue. He keeps staring at you, not opening his mouth but waiting for you to speak. "Is this goodbye?" Your voice breaks.

"I believe we don't have any reason to see each other. We both got what we wanted," He says without batting an eye. You're left bemused, one step away from landing a slap on his face. How dare he say that?

"Do you really believe that?" Your words come out as an accusation. "I wanted to go out with you because I thought I have feelings for you! And I do! And my feelings have only increased since I first saw you. I want to see you again, Seungcheol. You may have gotten what you wanted but I didn't." Your fades into a whisper as tears burn the back of your eyes.

Seungcheol stays quiet, staring ahead, his brows knitted as if he's annoyed. "I promised you three dates, ____. And I gave you that. It's over. Your feelings? You'll get over them. It's better to be in pain for a while that be with someone like me."

"You can't say that! I get to decide for myself!"

"____," he sighs, rubbing his temples. "I'm a bad man. You should leave while you still have a good image of me. You'll get hurt because of me and I've caused enough pain to enough people. Just...go. Just forget me." You stare at him as frustrated tears roll down your cheeks. He doesn't meet your gaze but turns his head the other way. You are angry, infuriated and heart broken all at a time. Clenching your fists you inhale a shaky breath before reaching for him.

Before you can chicken out, you tilt his face towards you and quickly press your lips against his. Seungcheol seems to be shocked as a small gasp leaves his mouth but you don't let him push you away. Instead one of your hands come to rest on his thigh as he other cups his face to keep his mouth against yours. You kiss him with all you have left, pouring in every bit of passion and love for him as your tongues intertwine. By the time you are both breathless, Seungcheol gently pushes you back and peers into your eyes. "That's all I can give you, ____." He says, his voice the softest you have heard. You are broken into a million pieces and as much as your heart wants to cling to him, you suddenly feel tired, deflated like a popped balloon. Your emotions have drained you out and left nothing and right now, breathing almost seems too painful for you. Taciturnly, you grab your purse and step out the convertible. You hear another door shut behind you but you don't look back as your heavy steps carry you to the entrance of your building. When you are about to enter your apartment, you accumulate all your strength and courage to spare one final glance at him.

Turning around you see Seungcheol standing by his car, hands in his pockets, simply watching you. Even though your eyes are locked on each other, you don't see any emotion in them. He looks like the same expressionless, mysterious man you saw the first day. The man you fell in love with. Taking in his gorgeous features one last time, you bite your lip and turn away, forcing yourself to walk inside your apartment building.

Your chapter with Seungcheol ends here.

Epilogue

A/N : Okay so idk why this fucking app is being like this but it says I reached the maximum of 250 blocks but I thought tum1r didn't have a word limit?? Anyway so I've decided to break it up and put the rest of the fic in another post. Please click epilogue to read that.

Taglist: @koo-18 @shiningstar-byulxx @pcisonedhaos @happyvitamin @yoongischeeksluv @haluim17 @nayam14 @horanghae-gumanhae @cottonsthings @hotcheetosnorter99 @peekabooseoksoon @acapellaanna @amixoferrthang

[iamanartichoke]

[please blacklist spoiler tags: #loki tv series spoilers, #loki series spoilers, #loki spoilers]

I need to talk about the Avengers. 

I just want to express how much I hate that the Avengers aren’t on the hook for all their time travel nonsense bc they were “supposed to” do it and Loki is on the hook bc he wasn’t. 

I mean, I am glad that they addressed it right away - that Loki was inadvertantly caught up in the Avengers' time meddling, and that apparently they were doing what they were supposed to and that's why none of them were on trial, but - there are two things going on here that I have issue with. One is, of course, the scapegoating of Loki once a-fucking-gain, but the other is that there's a legitimate problem inherent in framing the Avengers' deeds as The Right Thing So There Are No Consequences, especially because it directly leads to Loki (and only Loki) being scapegoated since, apparently, someone's got to answer for all of this. 

Why Were The Avengers Supposed to Undo the Snap?? 

Of all the possible options they could have gone with (such as reversing time back to just before the Snap happened), going back through time to gather the stones and use them to undo things five years later is, like, one of the worst?? Best case scenario, it implies that the TVA is ridiculously incompetent in managing the sacred timeline and worst case scenario, it implies that the TVA is ridiculously adept in managing the sacred timeline, if their goal is to have it be the worst possible timeline anyone could end up in. 

The Avengers may have done an arguably good thing in undoing the Snap - I don't disagree that those people should've lived - but they also royally fucked over a lot of things in the process and left Earth (and presumably many many other worlds) in total post-Snap chaos while fucking off to die be with their families and/or start new lives. 

This goes back to the plan itself. One of my many issues with Endgame is that not only is the plan convoluted and, frankly, stupid, but also I have a real problem with the concept of the Avengers just saving the world as they see fit, regardless of whether or not that's actually the best thing to do. (If the Russos hadn't done such a shit job with explaining what the Accords were actually supposed to do, then maybe this could have been addressed somehow - like, okay, together we may have the brains and resources to carry off this plan but does that mean we're the ultimate authority on whether or not we should? Maybe we should check with, like, the UN or something about this? [and it’s entirely possible the UN was mentioned and I have forgotten it bc I’ll be honest, I watched Endgame once and have bitched about it ever since.] I digress.) 

The narrative in Endgame and into the MCU beyond plays like the Avengers only care about saving the world when they stand to personally gain from it (they want their friends and family back, they want to feel like they didn't fail, they have unilaterally decided that what they want is the Best Thing for everyone) and once the Good Deed is done and the smoke clears from the battlefield, there's no concern with saving the mess of the world they created. 

TFatWS addressed so many of the problems with the post-reverse-Snap, which implies that the MCU (both in-universe and out) is aware that things are fucked up now. People's lives were literally ruined by what the Avengers did. Refugees are displaced. Humans are coming back to a world where they've been dead for five years and their loved ones have moved on and their homes have been sold and their bank accounts have been closed and they have no jobs. And that’s just on Earth. Yet no one (again, both in-universe and out) feels the need to hold the Avengers accountable for any of this. 

Plus, what about the people who died as a result of the Snap but not from the Snap directly? What about the planes that fell from the sky when the pilots turned to dust? The cars that crashed and collided when the drivers poofed? Etc. Like, fuck all of those people I guess? 

And who, exactly, is "supposed to" clean up the Avengers' mess now that the actual Avengers are either dead, old and living on the moon, or retired? Is it on Sam's shoulders alone (or, rather, Sam and Bucky's)? Is Peter Parker (yknow, the 15 year old Nick Fury went and recruited bc there was no one else) supposed to be fixing things? 

The TVA takes responsibility for none of this. They sit back in their nightmare DMV-esque office and claim that all is as it should be but my question remains: please explain to me how the outcome of the post-Snap universe is ultimately satisfactory to anyone besides the Avengers? 

There's also the fact that Loki figures out right away that the Avengers were engaging in some time travel shenanigans ("the cologne of two Tony Starks is hard to miss” lmfao Loki you snarky shit). Loki recognizes that there's been an opportunity created of which he can take advantage, but he isn't responsible for creating it. The Avengers messed up and created that opportunity so, even if they were supposed to be doing what they were doing, there are still no consequences for the fact that they made a mistake that allowed Loki to then branch off and create a new timeline. 

Let's also say that we accept that the Avengers were supposed to undo the Snap exactly as they did. Okay, sure. BUT: 

- Was Steve, then, also supposed to decide to fuck back off to the 1940s and marry Peggy (which created two Steves, right? The one who was married to Peggy all along and the one who was in the ice?? The TVA is just okay with two Steves?)? 

- What is the actual point of Stephen Strange having the time stone and using the time stone both to gain the advantage over Darmammushumuuyourmom (I’m sorry, I can’t remember his real name) and to look at all the possible timelines to figure out how to defeat Thanos? 

- How is it possible that there are 14 million potential timelines in which the Avengers failed if the TVA’s entire thing is that there can only be one true ring timeline to rule them all? The fact that Stephen can look ahead and determine so many outcomes based on the choices they're making would mean that people do have free will and that their actions aren't automatically dictated by what's “supposed to” happen. They had to make the right choices in order to get to the one timeline in which Thanos failed. 

- What’s the point of Stephen having to protect the time stone, anyway, if there are presumably a few others in Casey’s drawer?

- On that note, if there are a lot of infinity stones hanging around in the TVA’s desk drawers, what makes the original six the specific, correct ones that Thanos had to collect in order to pull off the Snap and why is it then those specific six the ones that the Avengers had permission to go back through time to get in order to undo the Snap as the Timekeepers intended?

- And actually, in fact, if there’s only one sacred timeline and anyone who fucks it up without permission gets “reset” (aka made nonexistent, along with their timeline branch) then, again, why does Stephen have to protect the time stone? Either anyone who steals it was supposed to, or their timeline gets eliminated and the theft ceases to matter. 

- Less significant but also still kinda significant is how Agents of SHIELD figures into all of this. The TVA knows that Loki killed Coulson but they don't know (or don't care?) that Coulson was brought back to life and proceeded, with his team, to go on and get heavily involved in time travel and going back and forth and bringing people from the past into the present? So the TVA is okay with Daniel Sousa leaving his timeline but not with Loki leaving his? 

... I have literally confused myself with all of this, so if anyone followed my train of thought here, congratulations and maybe you can explain it to me lmao. 

But here's my ultimate point: the sacred timeline that the TVA is tasked with maintaining is not sensical or linear. It's full of gaps and holes and people taking matters into their own hands to determine both their own fates and the fates of others. As a result, a lot of people suffer kinda needlessly based on the events in said timeline, and apparently it's perfectly fine for all of this nonsense to occur so that everyone else has some element of control - 

- but Loki is literally the only one who is told uh, actually, no, you are supposed to live a shitty life and die a pointless death and there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it bc it's supposed to happen. 

What in the actual fuck kind of logic is that??? 

Thus, either the TVA (and the Timekeepers) are grossly incompetent, or else they're extremely competent and also really fucking shitty beings who just enjoy the needless suffering of others. 

And somehow this is all Loki's fault!!

And then Mobius has the fucking audacity to say, to Loki's face, “you only exist to prop up everyone else and you, Loki Odinsonson Laufeyson mischief god and king of space lol, do not have any inherent worth or value as your own person. You were born to be a scapegoat and you will die a scapegoat and there's no getting around that, if we have anything to say about it.”

To quote Loki, in a very twisted way - yes, it's funny. It's absurd. 

Does, uh, does this make sense? At some point I crossed over from meta-writing into straight up ranting and so, well, here we are. 

[robinsnest2111]

indirectly tagged by @lampmeeting

it's not part of the original thing but I'm gonna add a silly little self portrait as well~

Questions to get to know you a little better:

1. What do you prefer to be called name wise? Robin or any kind of nickname related to that you can come up with lol Some of my favourites are Rob and Robble

2. When is your birthday? November 21st

3. Where do you live? A little town in Niedersachsen (Lower Saxony), Germany. Known for being the summer residence of a royal bloodline some 200 years ago. Yes there's a castle :P

4. Three things I am doing right now? Trying to forget the nightmare I just woke up from, thinking about getting a few more clementines from the kitchen and fininishing a little sketch I started yesterday

5. Four fandoms that have piqued my interest: Metalocalypse (ofc), Hogan's Heroes, Ghost BC, What We Do In The Shadows. Those are the main 4 at the moment but there's always a chance for other fandoms to take over for a bit.

6. How has the pandemic been treating you? ....yeah. Not so great. My grandma died suddenly at the start of the pandemic, I had to leave my internship I was super happy at early because of lockdown, finished my last semester at college with horrible online classes, had to move back in with my parents, cut contact with someone I've known almost all my life, barely passed my finals, still on the hunt for a job (started applying to places in September) and am close to losing it any day now lol Also pandemic means no flea markets which was one of the few things keeping my brain happy and occupied while giving me a chance to ride my bike around the region for hours :^(((((

7. Song(s) I can’t stop listening to: Sadly no particular song coming to mind right now, but I've had Ghost's entire discography and Dethalbum I, II, and III on rotation for months now lol. This Toss A Coin To Your Witcher Remix has also been stuck in my head for a while and is always worth a listen (Also have some silly techno/hardstyle remixes stuck in my brain permanently because I listened to them as background noise while trying to make my final college projects somewhat decent. Terence Hill & Bud Spencer - Lalalalalala, Da Tweekaz - Jägermeister, Star Wars Hardstyle, DJ Ötzi - Anton aus Tirol, Das Leben des Brian - Schwanzus Longus)

8. Recommend a movie: The Road to El Dorado by Dreamworks, a children's movie, I know... Each song is an absolute banger tho (even the German versions!), the jokes are silly but fun, the queer/gay hints add that little spice that I subconsciously picked up on and felt comforted by as a kid and the design of the everything is just (chef's kiss) Also the chemistry between the 4 main characters is gud as heck. It's the childhood movie I latched on to the most, my mother had to rent the dvd almost every single day until I bought a copy myself lol

9. How old are you? 24 orz I don't feel like it at all...

10. School, university, occupation? Finished college in August, unemployed because no one wants to hire in the creative field during a worldwide plague :^)

11. Do you prefer heat or cold? As long as it's under 35°C I prefer heat. My hands and feet are icicles 95% of the time after losing weight :^(

12. Name one fact others may not know about you? Since I'm an expert oversharer you probably know almost everything about me already orz But uhhh. Lemme see... I learned how to operate a laundry machine at the ripe old age of 20 at my internship at a hair salon lmao My mother never had the nerve to show me how on the modern machine we have at home (along the lines of "you will fuck it up anyways so let me do it >:^(((" which is an overarching theme in her raising me lol), but the older machine with the simpler dials at the salon was a good start to learn and honestly one of the things at this internship I'm still super grateful for...

13. Are you shy? Oh hell yeah I am... It's all the years of getting only negative feedback for trying to interact with others lol

14. Preferred pronouns: He/Him mostly, still figuring out if I still like they/them or nah (since in German there are no neutral pronouns that aren't neopronouns I've automatically gotten more attached to he/him lol)

15. Biggest pet peeves: I feel so mean for admitting it but honestly: Any noises my parents make. If I'm having a particularly bad low brain energy day even hearing them breathe makes me wanna run away and scream in anger... (Doesn't irk me with anyone else tho, which is weird...)

16. What is your favorite "dere" type? Oh there's more than 4 types now?? I've always liked Kuudere types the most out of the original 4 types, but I guess Shundere and Utsudere are right up my alley too!!!

The Kuudere (クーデレ), sometimes written Coodere or Kūdere, type refers to a character who is often cold, blunt, and cynical. They may seem very emotionless on the outside, but on the inside they’re very caring — at least when it comes to the ones they love.

The Shundere (しゅんデレ) type refers to characters who are sad and very depressed. While a full smile on their face might be out of the question, their love interest can help them open up and feel accepted.

The Utsudere (うつデレ) type refers to a character who is often sad and depressed. There is a reason for the character’s despair such as being bullied at school. Even if their life improves, they are often wary of other characters’ motives.

17. Rate your life 1-10? Maybe a 4? 4.5 at max

18. What is your main blog? The one I'm posting this on lol

19. List all your side blogs and what they’re for:

yorkiesart - old as hell and inactive artblog

bleedingheartbird - very triggering and depressing vent blog :^(

yorkie2111 - my very first username, a sea and ocean themed aesthetic blog now mostly for when I miss Denmark a whole lot (kinda inactive)

robinsartnest - a second attempt at a separate art blog, inactive as well lol

20. Is there anything people should know before becoming friends with you? I'm a clusterfuck of several undiagnosed mental illnesses and probably other conditions that I'm trying to figure out and deal with on my own until I can get professional help and some diagnoses. At times I'm weird and distant and overall very depressed and unpleasant, I've already hurt so many people this way and am trying to be better every single day. Basically I've never been given the "How to properly Human" manual and am frantically trying to get it right without hurting too many innocent people in the process.

Anyway, if you are nice to me I will love you forever ♡♡♡ :'3c

idk who to tag so if you wanna do this, do it~

[bigskydreaming]

destefania23 replied to your post:

What do you think about Dick being an ADHD person?

I’ve read like six or so fanfics about dick being adhd, they are cute but are so short too :“v i need more of them

LOL look at me lying about going and doing stuff I need to do, because something caught my eye first and I just needed to make one last response.

ADHD what? Who?

But anyway, I have headcanons about each of the Batkids having certain tells that lead to Bruce getting them tested and trying out various medications, and like...how that would affect each of them. Because I project a lot of stuff along the lines of “had to develop own coping mechanisms to make the most of my uncooperative brain while growing up because my parents didn’t believe in stuff like ADHD and thought everything was just a matter of willpower and working/concentrating hard enough vs just being lazy.” 

And thus I also project a lot of stuff along the lines of “getting an actual diagnosis and trying effective medication for the first time as a grown adult in my late twenties was literally life-changing as my brain suddenly was working in completely different ways that neatly avoided so many of the traps it’d been falling into my whole life whenever I tried to concentrate and would get super hard on myself for not being able to focus and having a deep-seated belief I was just innately lazy.”

So I like headcanoning all or most of the Batkids as ADHD because it allows me to explore various avenues and reactions all with the same characters and setting.

Like, I headcanon that when Dick was still only like eleven or twelve, and constantly having trouble fidgeting in class and not sitting still, one of his teachers recommended to Bruce that he consider getting him tested for ADHD. My thought is that Bruce would be resistant at first, because its okay for him not to be perfect and an inevitable result of being so damn good at everything he tries is the occasional insistence that everything worth knowing, he already knows.

So I picture that like, Bruce isn’t ignorant, he’s perfectly aware that things like ADHD exist and are valid, its just he has trouble at first reconciling that from an abstract awareness to something that directly applies to someone in his care, like Dick. Also, this would be at the early stages of their relationship, where I imagine Bruce is relying heavily on his perception of Dick being like him in so many ways in order to build connections with Dick, try and get in his head and understand him, etc....that Bruce unconsciously processes this as “well, when I was learning all these things it was just a matter of honing my mental discipline, and Dick is like me, therefor, this should be true of him as well.”

Plus, being Robin was far more important to Dick than school, it was his priority, so I imagine he invested most of his focus and attempts at developing his own techniques for getting the most out of his ADHD brain...on the times he was training with Bruce or at his side as Robin. So in Bruce’s eyes, based on his own interactions with Dick, he’d seen Dick focus and control himself and keep still with enough effort while Robin, when Bruce reminds him to and stresses the importance....so he thinks that’s further proof its just a matter of effort. Not realizing HOW MUCH effort its costing Dick to do that, and how much he’s beating himself up for having so much trouble with it. Not to mention, this is a large part of why he’s having SO MUCH trouble in class....because this is when he allows himself to relax his attempts at focusing so much, and it slips out all the more here.

I like to imagine its Selina who turned things around here.

Like, I can see Bruce letting some of his frustration about this and the teacher’s advice and Dick’s continuing problems with self-control out a little while its just he and Selina, venting in passing kind of a thing. Not expecting her to have advice or anything like that, but just one of those things where she’s content to let him just rant on about stuff and get it all out of his system and feel heard, because she’s there nodding along even though it has fuck all to do with her and he doesn’t need to know that she mostly just thinks he’s so cute when he’s like this and it doesn’t hurt that he always feels he owes her afterwards to thank her for listening.

Look, she’s not a saint, okay.

Only this time she interjects and asks bluntly, as she does all things she actually cares about and doesn’t have the time or patience to dance around and make performance art out of: “Bruce, have you spent any time at all considering that there might be something to his teacher’s suggestion?”

He hesitates, thrown by her unexpected interjection, as it isn’t the norm for this kind of scene between them. She takes that as answer enough.

“Bruce, darling, apple of mine eye for as long as it continues to amuse me to view you as such - “

“Ego is sufficiently checked, thanks. You can move it along now,” Bruce says wryly.

She flashes him a quick grin of acknowledgment but then sobers, uncharacteristically serious.

“I’m not sure it is, and I think that’s the problem. You’ve done a good job with Dick so far and changed far more than I think anyone expected and in quite a short time as well. But one thing I don’t think you’ve totally grasped yet is this: You don’t get to be right all the time, anymore. Your perfect streak is over.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’re not graceful in defeat, and you can’t abide appearing clumsy when you don’t have a champagne flute in one hand. So you generally just choose to not accept defeat. Which is fine for a superhero, and oddly endearing in ways I’ve never quite managed to put my pinkie on. But when it was just you on the line, putting your head down and willfully charging onward rather than submit to a wound of pride....you were only risking yourself. You have to admit you’ve garnished yourself with more than one unnecessary beating as you’d rather take a blow to the abdomen than one to the ego. At least when I’m not around to kiss it better afterwards.”

She lightens her words with a little bit of levity at the end there, though Bruce’s lips still pucker sourly. The downside of being attracted to someone who can see right through you is sometimes they see right through you, he supposes.

Damn Catch-22′s.

“But its not just you on the line anymore, when you simply don’t care to admit there are mysteries that elude even the Great Detective, or clues that sometimes are apparent to others before they unveil themselves to you. If you’d rather double as a punching bag than concede intellectual defeat to a foe, that’s all well and good. But you don’t get to volunteer Dick up there alongside you.”

He’s silent, pondering her words.

“Get him tested, Bruce,” she presses gently, but without minding her claws. “If he turns out not to have it, you’ve wasted a full two hours. If he does, you’ve done right by him, and that should be more than enough to see your ego through taking the hit.”

“Alright,” he concedes. “You’ve made your point.”

She smiles, brown eyes back to dancing in their usual merriment. “Damn a girl with faint praise, why don’t you. And here I thought I’d made several.”

“I’m just trying to return the favor in kind,” Bruce rumbles with a quirk of his lips. “Wouldn’t do to have your ego balloon out of control the second I manage to shrink mine. Where would that leave us?”

“Oh ye of little faith,” she chides with a smirk, stretching luxuriously on the couch. “I think we could make it work. Where’s your experimental spirit? I thought men of your intellect worship at the altar of the Scientific Method.”

He laughs and shakes his head, too fond to try and further their little game of one-upsmanship. “You were wrong about one thing. You broke my winning streak a long time ago. You just seem to have a talent for making me forget that, just in time for you to do it all over again.”

“Mmmm,” she hums, the faint sound and a minute twitching of her lips somehow managing to pack a wealth of amusement into them both. “What can I say, darling? I’m the cat’s meow.”

[petitepistol]

headcanon;but it is very messy

oh god strap in because this is going to be 3k words worth of rambling under the cut which you don't actually have to read since i posted it at 5am so it probably does not make much sense!! also I have only just recently accepted that my elena does not follow compilation timeline to the letter because I fucking hate the fact that before crisis placed her age at being a high school student almost immediately preceding the start of the original game and I always saw elena as being at least aerith's age by the time she became a turk so please bear with me as my elena uses a floating timeline to prevent her from being...like a literal teenager for original game fuck that noise they had cissnei be the uwu fifteen-year-old turk and elena gets to be her own character when im writing her so compilation can fuck right off

so first off her dad is a military man, and that entire side of his family? kind of just defaulted into the military for generations. well before shinra at least, the old shit. I'm constantly flabbergasted by the idea that shinra is the dominant military force on the planet when as little as forty years before game them were a fledgling company, and I'm fascinated by what kind of insane shit must have gone down to facilitate shinra going from defense contractor/power company to defacto global superpower, and what they superseded when that happened. so yeah her dad is military, and even after he was put out to pasture he still wound up teaching at a prestigious shinra sponsored academy in junon and both of his daughters attended.

her mom was upper middle class and driven as hell, had a ballet career which got cut short due to injury in her late teens. then she wound up going into nursing by her early twenties and spent some time working in deepground when it was still a run of the mill army hospital where she met elena's father who was...voluntarily a candidate for some biotech stuff that shinra was doing back when shinra was still a defense contractor, go figure he was one of many early examples of mako conditioning. they didn't get along at first but did wind up marrying but never actually settling down because of the nature of his career. she retired from nursing but did medical coding part-time.

elena's sister was born in deepground (canonically from the 'midgar slums' but deepground is pretty fucking close and it makes sense to the era and background worldbuilding), and things went as smoothly as possible at this point in time. elena herself was born in icicle because lol military stationed there (elena being an icicle native was also a very popular piece of fanon in the pre-compilation era and I feel like it may have had some supporting evidence in something like kaitai shinsho but I never really managed to cross-reference that so probably not true and just a gut feeling), and by then things were getting...fishy. details being covered up about the full extent of the side-effects of mako conditioning and rumors that shinra had an egregious amount of influence over the military at large. these things all turned out to be true, but elena's father kept his head down and did his duty because he was a good soldier. he was also in wutai on and off during this, before the situation over there fully hit the fan, so he had more pressing matters to worry about.

anyway, elena was born in icicle but she and her mother and sister weren't there for more than a year or so before it was back at it again in midgar because dad was being put on some kind of assignment that had him closely working with shinra. the general implication of this is he was doing legwork for the implementation of SOLDIER in a few years, but what that means can vary by interaction from being paperwork to mk ultra style endurance testing to teaching an adolescent jenova project specimen how to integrate into military procedure before they drop him in wutai which is slated to become an all-out conflagration very shortly. it all depends but the point is it is sticky and worsened significantly when his wife is killed in a car accident. if this seems familiar it is because I firmly believe elena is the aya brea of ffvii and parasite eve featured similar background story. I'm borrowing deal with it.

by this point, elena is around eight and in school but elena is just barely four and in the vehicle when it happens. mom is killed instantly, elena survives but barely fares better. she's in intensive care for a while and there is a period where they don't even know if she is going to be brain dead or just have permanent brain damage in the first few days. her sister is basically staying at a school friend's house for like...way more than a fortnight while this got sorted out because their dad still actually has orders to carry out, even if he isn't on a battlefield. at one point on of his higher-ups implies that it could be arranged to transfer elena from the civilian hospital to the recently renovated deepground and he turns it down and feels like shit for it because yeah, deepground probably would mean a better chance at his youngest daughters survival because of that cutting edge shinra biotech, but at what cost? he knows well enough now something is wrong and justifies his willingness to let fate take its course with elena by focusing on the fact that her sister is still alive and well and he needs to keep his head down for his older daughter because she needed him too, even though they barely saw each other during the crux of this.

so lo and behold elena does recover and goes through the icky sticky of physical therapy and does just fine. great, right? well yes but the family dynamic is stupidly fucked up. dad has done either really good or really bad on his assignment, and gets put out to pasture in junon to teach at a military academy that is now nearly entirely funded by shinra (yeah so in before crisis it is all but implicit that academy is in midgar but fuck that junon is the seat of military power it would be near there if anything). this is great because it keeps him in work and both of his daughters will benefit. which they do. elena's sister is an ideal student, and the roughness of losing her mother happened at a sensitive period but a period where she was old enough to understand what was going on. she was capable of being a little trooper through all of it, but the cost of it was not being able to emotionally process the loss of her mother and the fact that her little sister was still alive when mom was not. the seeds of discord are sown there and that will be an ongoing thing throughout their childhood and into adulthood. they don't hate each other, but the relationship is fraught with tension and it is far from a healthy dynamic, especially since their father has pulled back almost entirely from fatherhood. he has no idea what he is doing without his late wife, and can't organically interact with his daughters so he defaults to being an instructor. both of them flourish despite this, but it is not a good family dynamic.

paint over this family drama with the fact that wutai is now well and truly happening. the military is effectively controlled by shinra and very very soon the propaganda blitz surrounding SOLDIER is going to push that over the edge and shinra will be accepted on a public and official level as being the army. the slogans are changing and going from an old fashioned sense of unity to focusing on becoming top class and singularly extraordinary. there is an emphasis on joining to be great rather than joining for the greater good. the recruitment plays into the deeply seated neurosis of adolescence for a reason because the younger some kid joins up the more malleable they are to both the shinra rhetoric and the by now very refined mako enhancement process that costs so much but nets such spectacular gains. in fact, it costs far too much to ever justify wasting that kind of money on doing it to women. so yeah it is blog canon that women in the shinra army is not a thing that is encouraged and like hell would they ever be in SOLDIER. the company culture is an old boys club steeped in misogyny and the only reason scarlet succeeded is because she took that and marinated in it and played the game very well. dirge era deepground operatives are little more than a consequence of years of unethical human experimentation left to rot in a basement. we don't really see women in actual military positions in the original game. sexism is alive and well and it serves my characterization of elena and her development.

so yeah it is a time of paradigms shifting and reforming very rapidly. elena's sister takes to this with aplomb, she is a perfect cadet and in elena's eyes a perfect daughter. someone easier to idolize than the SOLDIERs on the glossy recruitment posters and more available than their emotionally distant father. she is pristine and by extension beloved, things elena wants to be as well. elena is too young to realize her sister doesn't have any better of a relationship with their father than she does, but who knows if that would change anything. she emulates her ideal sister but remains a half step behind, which makes perfect sense because elena is four years younger. from a critical perspective that half step is a very close gap because even if elena doesn't realize it, she is just as prodigious as her sister is. the difference is while her sister can follow orders to the letter, elena has the makings of a maverick. not a positive thing in the strict environment of a military academy, no matter how high her scores are. idealization goes hand and hand with a quiet resentment, the latter of which her sister has also harbored towards her ever since their later mother died and elena did not.

that simmering toxicity stays at a low boil until her sister graduates. at the top of the class, even she could not become anything. or at least, to elena it looks that way, as she watches her sister back her things for midgar where she will start as a trainee for an administrative/auditing position for the shinra electric power company. elena does not know what a turk is at this point, even if her father does. he seems as impassive as ever, even if that is not the case and in actuality he is struggling to accept the reality that his oldest daughter is far too smart for his own good and is entering a profession no one would ever want for their child. despite his distance and his lack of connection and all of his failings as a father he does love his children and that will eat away at him until he dies no doubt. but all elena sees is her shining example of an older sister being doomed to desk work. when gun leaves (because she becomes gun the moment she is added to the payroll) the real constant of elena's childhood also leaves. and during adolescence, that is hard for anyone. more so when you realize no matter how sharp your skills are your future is off the chopping block and there is no path for you to take with them.

elena goes from being a prodigy prone to pesky critical thinking to a prodigy with a chip on her shoulder. her technical marks don't plummet, in fact, quite the opposite. she picks up a secondary battle specialty, close-quarters combat, which will set her apart from her sister. she flourishes with equal parts precision and aggression, despite her small size. the academic commendations feel entirely hollow to her though, and in the way teenagers tend to do she convinces herself she is not much more than nothing. the memory of her sister becomes tarnished with the bitterness of her negative self-image. her instructors must hate her for her failures, she tells herself with false objectivity. her instructors include her actual father, who is nearly clueless aside from a vague feeling in the pit of his stomach and he doesn't know if that is due to his oldest daughter going into wetworks or the fact his younger daughter is shattering academic record after record with the sheer force of what he assumes to be ennui driven spite.

at least he is clueless until in the spring just after she turns fifteen she files for early certification to leave academy, just like every other boy in her year as well as every other boy on the continent and beyond. they do it to catch the recruitment push and join the army soon enough to have a shot at making SOLDIER before they age out. but elena can't do that and he knows it and braces himself to have that conversation with her, calling her into his office where she keeps her stance formal until he tells her to be as ease and even in the chair across from his desk her posture is tense. spine straight, eyes ahead. he begins what he thinks is going to be the "you know you can't join SOLDIER" conversation but she cuts him off in what he thinks is a somewhat uncharacteristic display, but to her is just another example of how disgraceful her conduct is and how she needs to get out of academy before brings the value of the whole institution down. she tells him this, she tells him she is aware of her shortcomings and the fact she has no future in a military career and her intention is to go to midgar and learn how to be a civilian on her own terms. he signs off on it because none of her bullet points are actually wrong.

midgar is a city of industry and a city of vice and she hasn't been there since she was a child. it is good to her and it is bad to her, as she unlearns years of quasi-military discipline and figures out how to be her own person. she still sometimes wears the academy uniform because old habits die hard and it is a durable thing. she has a one-room apartment in the slums and a job tending bar in wall market. the hours are early evening to after the last train ends and her circadian rhythm adjusts from 4am wakeups and beds made with hospital corners to the distorted clock that comes from living under a plate with no natural sunlight. there are just as many fights and skirmishes to be had in midgar but none of them are like the training exercises at academy. each one is a beautiful short-lived shrine, sometimes they are fun and on her terms, and other times they are fraught and meant for survival. elena relishes them all as a skillset she once thought was a dead-end turns out to be valuable once more. the major negative point is her sister.

gun is in midgar and wears a sleek black suit along with many other people in sleek black suits. elena hears the term 'turk' for the first time. whether they are urban legends or hired killers or pencil pushers who do double duty waterboarding enemies of a power company turned judge and jury doesn't matter. what matters is the deadness she can see in gun's green eyes when she drops by the bar before closing, oftentimes with equally dead-eyed coworkers. those confrontations are never pleasant, they are a powderkeg. elena would like to reach out to her sister, chase away the exhausted look in her face the way she can with other patrons, but the sentiment gets stuck in her throat and they just snipe at each other. gun is a terrible adult and so are all of her colleagues and they are trying their best to neutralize a growing terrorist threat and they are failing. when they come around in the low light of the bar illuminates the stark futility of everything after midnight.

elena does not know exactly what is going on at the highest level of intrigue but she has a good guess. shinra is shitting the bed, and that includes the turks and SOLDIER, which seems to her to be in the middle of a massive coverup as their public-facing 1sts disappear one after another. she wants no part of it and her agenda switches from mastering the nuances of being a civilian to finding sustainability and meaning outside of shinra as the cracks in the facade split ever wider. when the sector six plate is effectively destroyed, it takes the bar she worked at with it and elena decides it is time to get the hell out of midgar.

her years in wall market set her up with some interesting connections and the owner of a small weapons shop (who she might have married for tax purposes but that isn't fleshed out) sets her up with a distinguished older gentleman who is a complete asshole and happens to run guns all across the continent. despite his immaculate coiffure he is not a people person and requires someone who is both qualified to demonstrate his product and more pleasant to deal with than him, because the market is hot right now. shinra has never had much interest in dealing with flyover country. sure they build reactors in some of the backwaters, but not all of them. and no reactor meant no need for shinra to spend the money on protecting hick villages from increased monster presence. the planet is dying and the monsters are restless in the same way wildlife gets in the real world. the people in those tiny towns do their best to defend their homes and livelihood and that means purchasing weaponry, mostly old stock from competitors that shinra has long since crushed or acquired. shinra lets this happen because it is not a threat to them.

so, for a few years, elena is a pretty face with a bang and it is almost scarlettian. she never comes close to the sex appeal of the actual weapons development director of shinra, but it is enough to help move merchandise. most of the buyers are just people trying to survive in the middle of nowhere, but not always. sometimes they are rougher than that, but the money is good enough that she doesn't care about that, or the fact the man who employed her hates her guts and doesn't care much whether she lives or dies. it is a thrilling rush and it is outside of shinra and more than ever does she want to put as much distance as possible between shinra and herself. because her sister is dead according to a notification that tseng of the turks had been cordial enough to send to her father, news that he passed on in a voicemail to elena with a hollow tone. maybe he was trying to reconnect with her because she was now all he had left in the way of family. maybe he just had the same sense of duty as always. she never calls back to ask.

midgar calls her back though. one day her employer informs her with a vindictive grin that he has sold the business part and parcel and that includes her as an employee. acquired by shinra. the reason, ironically, is scarlet, whom she has been doing a two-bit impersonation of. scarlet is a forward thinker but that doesn't mean she can't be swayed by a stockpile of vintage firearms, and with the viciousness required of her position she can throw weight around and get her hands on anything. the weapons are what she wanted and elena knows this and rejects the notion that she will become apart of the shinra payroll because of this little merger. this is proven wrong in short order as her assets are frozen systematically because the turks are hard up for people. they know her. they knew her sister and they know her, even if they haven't kept tabs on her. as soon as the papers cross his desk tseng seizes the opportunity.

the interview with hr to place elena is a mere formality. there is no other place for her there but in the turks. elena, for all her audacity, accepts this and plasters on a professional veneer. the game begins and the world ends.

[sugarcoated-pain]

Heavy Rotation Part 7

Thanks for all the awesome feedback I’ve been receiving about this series! I love hearing your thoughts. Thanks again to @sublimehood . you know what you did. lol

This is the second to last part of this series, and I’m totally going to miss writing it!  And I’m also gonna go ahead and apologize in advance for this part... 

Best Friends to Lovers- original character + Ashton

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

Part Five

Part Six 

Waking up with naked Ashton sleeping in my bed with his arms wrapped around me is without a doubt the best way I’ve ever woken up. What happened last night was absolutely magical, and I decide to bask in it instead of overthink things, like I always do. I watch him breathing for a moment, and something hits me, hard. I’m in love with him. Madly. Way more than I ever thought possible. And maybe I always have been. Georgia knew the truth months ago, why did it take me this long to admit it to myself? I absentmindedly run my fingers gently over the bare skin on his back. That gloriously toned, beautiful back. Everything about him is complete perfection to me.  

He begins to stir softly, and opens his eyes, smiling once he notices me watching him.

“Morning.” I say, smiling back at him.

“Good morning, beautiful.” he says, in the most deliciously raspy morning voice I have ever heard. “What time is it?”

“Almost 10.” I answer, continuing to run my fingertips softly over his skin.

“Ugh. I should head down to work now.” he groans frustratedly, pulling me closer to him. “But I wish I could stay here all day..”

“Me too.” I whisper, kissing him tenderly on the lips. He places his hand on my cheek and kisses me back sweetly, just before he sits up and begins hunting for his clothes. I can’t take my eyes off his gorgeous body as he moves through my bedroom. Once he’s done, he sits down on the side of my bed, and leans down to give me another soft kiss.

“So, later, can we talk about last night?” he says with a small grin as he pulls away.

“Yeah, I think we can handle that...”

“Maybe, over dinner?” he asks, locking his eyes with mine, probably waiting to see if I overthink things and spaz out again.

“I’d like that.” I reply, kissing him again. He kisses me back for a few moments, before getting up and heading out of my room. I lay in bed for a while, allowing myself to relive last night’s events, and I can’t help but smile from ear to ear. I resolve to tell Ashton how I really feel tonight, now that I’m aware of it myself. My plane ticket to New York is for early tomorrow morning so today is the day I need to give Ray my answer by. It all feels clear now. Ashton is worth staying here for.

I eventually get up and get dressed. Knowing Ashton has already left for work by now, I leave my bedroom and find the person I’m looking for in the kitchen.

“GEORGIA!” I shout playfully. “My room, NOW!.. Please.” I say forcefully, grabbing her arm and dragging her down the hall.

“How was YOUR night?” she asks, with a knowing grin.

“Literally the most amazing night of my entire life.”

“We noticed Ashton didn’t sleep in his room last night….”

“Yep, that’s because he slept in here, after we had the best sex in the history of great sex.”

“FINALLY! Does that mean you two idiots finally talked about how you REALLY feel about each other?”

“Well, no. BUT… I decided I’m gonna tell him the truth about how I feel tonight.”

“Oh yeah, and how do you feel?”

I sigh defeatedly, feeling her “i told you so” grin without even looking at her. “You were right. You’ve always been right. I’m in love with him.”

Instead of rubbing it in my face that she was write, she simply smiles. “I’m SO happy for you. This is a big step. And now the four of us can do all kinds of great couple-y stuff!”

“Georgia, the four of us already do couple-y stuff, all the time.” I reply with a laugh.

“Well yeah but now it can be official.”

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves… I don’t know that he feels the same way about me…”

“Oh shut up, you know he does. He’s been crazy about you since day one.”

This makes me blush and grin sheepishly. “Today is the day I have to give Ray an answer by. I’m gonna stay here. “

Georgia squeals excitedly and hugs me. “You made me a little nervous there after you emailed him.”

“I can’t leave now. Not after last night. I have to give this thing with Ash a chance to see where it goes.”

I’m working the closing shift in the store today, but I have never been more distracted in my entire life. I sneak into the studio as often as I can get away with, but instead of it being to learn the machinery, now it’s to try to sneak a kiss whenever Ash is alone and not busy.

Halfway through my shift however, my day takes the worst possible turn. Camille strolls through the front door and heads straight back for the recording studio.

“What the hell are you doing here?” I ask her angrily, blocking her way to the studio.

“It’s none of your damn business.”

“You’d be surprised how much it actually IS my business.”

She scoffs at me and walks around where I’m standing and pushes right through the curtains to the studio. I’m fuming right now. How dare this bitch come in here like nothing ever happened? I have genuinely never loathed someone as much as I loathe this girl. She’s back there for a long while. I am now completely distracted and can’t focus on anything at all.  Eventually she walks out, giving me a smug look as she walks past me. A few minutes later though, Ashton comes through the curtain as well. He looks drained and stressed out. Approaching me, he looks extremely unhappy.

“Hey Em. I’m gonna need a rain check on dinner…”

“What? Why? Because of her??”

“I need to deal with this. She’s never going to stop unless I hear her out.”

“What the hell, Ashton? Are you kidding me right now? Did you forget what she did to you? You don’t owe her a damn thing.”

“We were together for two years.. I kinda do. I’m sorry.”

I feel as if the floor has fallen out from below my feet. I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Tears start to well up in my eyes, and I can’t give Ashton the satisfaction of knowing what kind of an effect he has on me.

“Fine. Whatever.” and I walk away and pretend to busy myself with work.

I hear him sigh, and then slowly walk away. Once I hear the bell at the front chime, meaning he is out the door to follow Camille, I let the tears fall. After everything that happened, how could he even consider meeting up with her to “talk”? I feel sick inside. I feel betrayed. I don’t even know how to process what I’m feeling right now.

I take a deep breath and wipe my face and walk over to the register where Mikey has been working. I try to pull myself together but I’m sure I still look like a complete mess. “Hey Mike. Is there anyway you can close for me tonight, please? It would mean a lot to me.”

Noticing my condition, and clearly not wanting to deal with a crying chick right now, “Sure no problem.”

“Thanks, you’re the best.” I say quickly and then head upstairs. As soon as I’m through the front door, the tears flow freely. I can’t believe I let myself think there was a chance of a any kind of future with Ashton.

I call Georgia. “Hey Em, whats up?.” She hears me sobbing before I can get any words out. “Emma? What’s wrong?”

“That bitch came back. And he’s giving her a fucking chance. He left with her to ‘hear her out’. I can’t even fucking believe it. I don’t know what to do, G.”

I hear her cover the phone for a second and talk to someone in the background.

“I’ll be there in 30 minutes, okay? Don’t do anything stupid before I get there.”

She hangs up the phone, and I head into my bedroom. I start to calm down a little, and start pacing my room. And the answer clicks in my brain. Regaining my composure, I pull my phone back out and dial Ray.

“Hey Ray, it’s Emma. I thought more about your offer and if it still stands, I’d like to take the job in New York City.”

“Of course it still stands! Glad to have you on board. I’ll email you the flight information. It leaves early tomorrow, does that still work for you?”

“Yeah, that works great. Thank you so much. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I hang up the phone and look around my room at my few belongings. I pull my suitcase out from the closet and begin shoving everything I can in it. After a while, I decide that there are other things I need to take care of and packing can wait. I head down to Liz’s office to sit down with her. I apologize for not giving a proper two weeks, and explain to her that this is what is best for me. She isn’t happy about it but realizes there isn’t really anything she can do to stop me. I find the other guys and start saying my goodbyes. Eventually, I head back upstairs to finish packing.

Georgia walks into my room without knocking, and then looks around the room, a confused yet panicked look crossing her face.

“Remember when I said not to do anything stupid? THIS is what I was referring to.” She says and she walks in and examines my suitcase.

“I took the job, G. I had to. I can’t stay here. He was the main reason I was staying but I can’t play these back and forth games. If I ever see Camille again as long as I live, I will probably spontaneously combust. I can’t do it. And since she’s clearly still in the picture, I need to find a way to get over Ashton. This is my best chance at that.”

“Emma, come on. Please see reason. This is crazy. You don’t even know if they’re back together or not.”

“It doesn’t matter. He cancelled our dinner plans to leave with HER. I can’t handle those kind of games. I know it’s sudden but I think this opportunity came to me for a reason. I’m sorry, Georgia. I will miss you so much. But I just can’t stay here any longer.”

“You’re being so dramatic right now. Just talk to Ash. I bet this is all just a big misunderstanding.”

“Okay sure, I’ll talk to Ashton. Where is he? OH WAIT! He’s STILL with Camille right now. How long does it take to tell someone you don’t want anything to do with them? This should have been a quick convo but he’s not here and I bet he doesn’t come home tonight at all. I can’t deal with that, Georgia. I can’t. It hurts too much. I have to go.”

She sighs sadly. “Alright. I see there’s no changing your mind. I think you should at least hear what he has to say about it all when he gets home.”

We decide to have one last girls night and watch a chick flick over a bottle of wine. The movie ends, and Ashton still isn’t home. I can tell that Georgia is tired but she’s staying awake so she doesn’t leave me all alone. There’s one last thing I need to do before I leave, so I let her off the hook to go to bed, promising her I’ll say bye in the morning before my flight.

I head up to the roof with my lyric journal, and I just let it all pour out. The words, the tears, everything. I’m unsure if I will get a chance to say goodbye to Ashton face to face, or if I would even be physically capable of it. So I write everything I want to say to him in a letter. My tears fall onto the paper and leave little marks. And in that moment, I start to question if I’m really doing the right thing. Could I stay here even if there wasn’t a future for Ashton and I? I decide the answer is no and convince myself moving back east is the only way to move on.

I’m going to miss this view almost as much as all the people I’m leaving behind.

After several hours, I eventually make my way back down the fire escape to my room. I get ready for bed, look around with a sigh at all my stuff packed up, and just as I turn out the light, I hear a slow and erratic, clearly drunken, knock at my door. I open it as Ashton stumbles in, almost knocking me over.

“Well hi there.” I laugh as I attempt to help him stand upright, to no avail.

“I.. I had a..a real bad day. Need my Emma.” his words slur together as he continues to make his way into the room.

“YOUR Emma, eh?” I ask with a small smirk, trying to keep him steady.

“Yes. You’re MY Emma. You’re my best friend AND we’ve had sex now so you’re MY Emma.” he answers defiantly as he plops down on my bed.

“Had a few drinks, have ya?”

“I’m drunk as fuck and I just want to cuddle with you.”

I sigh and follow him over to the bed. Could he have picked a worse time to pull this shit? “I’m not sure that’s a good idea, Ash…”

“Just come cuddle with me. please. ” he demands groggily, pulling at my arm.

I’m definitely not winning this one, so against my better judgement, I of course curl up next to him. He instantly lays his head on my chest and drapes his arm over my stomach, which causes said stomach to feel as if it’s dropped through the floor and my heart to beat uncontrollably like it’s trying to escape from my chest. How the hell am I ever going to get over this guy?

“I’m sorry. I just had a really bad day and I need you.” he slurs sleepily.

“It’s okay, Ash.” I reply gently, sighing and softly running my fingers through his tangled curls. “I do need to talk to you though…”

“Uh-huh. Okay.” He’s definitely starting to drift off.

“Ash. Are you listening to me? This is important.” I ask quietly.

“Mmm-hmm.” he nods slowly. I tilt my head to see that his eyes are closed. Maybe it’ll be easier this way.

“Ashton. I’m leaving. In a few hours actually. I took that job offer in New York, and I fly out first thing in the morning..” I start slowly, watching to see if he’s listening. He groans incoherently. “I wasn’t going to take the job.. I love my life here but..the truth is… I’m in love with you. I have been since the day I met you.” tears start falling gently down my cheeks and I pull him closer to me. “..But I know now that you don’t feel the same way. And I just can’t sit here pining over you and watch you go back to Camille again and again. So this job offer felt like the best opportunity to not have to suffer through all that. I wrote this all in a letter that you’ll see tomorrow..”

I’m almost sobbing at this point but he is definitely asleep, so I wipe my cheeks with my hand and keep rambling. “I’m going to miss you so fucking much though. My chest burns like no pain I’ve ever felt when I think about leaving you. I will miss you every day, probably for the rest of my life. But I know this is what’s best for me. It’ll be the easiest way to move on and try to get over you.” I finish with a deep sigh, and kiss his forehead softly. Leaning over carefully, I  grab my cell phone from my nightstand to check the time. I need to leave for the airport in just three hours. I set my alarm, put my phone back, then wrap both of my arms tightly around Ashton, and allow myself to doze off, holding him close to me.

Part Eight

Taglist: @cheyenne-in-wonderland @drummerboy794 @harrysgucciclothes @emmamarshmellow @rbforsmileycal @asht0ns-world @dukesnumber1 @aspiringwildfire​ @lockthisheartinchains @post-traumatic-mess

Let me know if you would like to be added to the list!

[solastia]

The Mix Up

Pairing: Yoongi x Jimin

Word Count: 5,792 (Okay, this was supposed to be just a quick under 1k drabble, but it spiraled out of control)

Summary: With how exhausted Yoongi was when he went to go pick up his luggage, it’s not that shocking that he mixed up his bag for Jimin’s. If only he had figured it out before he’d looked inside and discovered that Jimin packed a lot more than clothes.

Notes: Enjoy this smut to pass the time while I finish up the chapters you’re actually waiting for lol. No real warnings, just pwp. Rated NC-17

Yoongi shuffled into his hotel room and threw his bag into the corner before plopping down face first onto the fluffy cloud of a bed. He loved it when they came to this hotel because the bed was one of his favorites, covered in thick blankets and a mattress that was almost as famous as the hotel itself. The entire flight from Seoul to L.A. was spent thinking of lyrics and this bed.

With a groan, Yoongi managed to make himself sit up, cringing at the way his tired bones popped. He needed to shower before he slid under the plush covers. Maybe order some food too. He hummed to himself as he stripped and jumped into the shower, the water turning hot almost instantly. He realized he’d forgotten his shower supplies and chose to just use the soap the hotel provided just this once. He was not about to rush out into the cold for his stuff. He thought about jerking off but decided to wait until he was out there on his laptop. He was too tired to try without some visual stimulation today.

He finished his shower in record time, anxious to finish and get back to relaxing. Noticing the robe emblazoned with the hotel logo next to his towel, he quickly wrapped himself up in it, luxuriating in the softness. It was moments like these that made all the hard work worth it. Memories of seven boys to one room and constant cold showers unless you shared made Yoongi shiver and clutch the precious robe closer. None of that anymore. Now he had his own room where he could eat, jerk one out, and go to sleep, in that order. All in peace.

Yoongi hummed to himself as he walked towards his luggage bag to grab his laptop and lotion. He picked it up, yawning as he set it on the bed. He unzipped the bag and pulled it open, only to stare in shock. This was most certainly not his bag. All of the clothes were way too colorful, not to mention there were too many of them. He liked to travel light and buy whatever he needed once they arrived. 

He was fairly certain this might be Jimin’s bag, judging by a couple of the more familiar shirts. The other hint that this was not his bag was the giant bottle of cherry vanilla flavored lube and the flesh colored lump peeking out from under some boxers next to it. Yoongi’s breath was growing shaky as he reached in to grab it. He was pretty sure he knew what it was, but some deranged part of his brain was screaming that he needed to verify.

He grasped it, feeling the slick rubber and rigid fake veins. He could have left it at that since it was pretty much obvious what it was, but he was apparently a sick, sick man. He pulled it out anyway, staring at what was apparently Jimin’s pretty realistic dildo sitting in his hand. Yoongi wondered how long Jimin has been getting away with carrying this thing around without anyone else knowing or airport security calling them out for fun.

He was pretty surprised how similar it was to his own dick, actually. It was almost the same size, although the dildo had a bit more thickness to it and was maybe a touch longer. The shaft was incredibly veiny, similar to his own, but not something you see often on toys. It even had stretchable loose skin, so that when it was moved up and down it created a foreskin. Clearly, this toy was made to be as realistic as possible. 

Pure morbid curiosity made Yoongi pull a bit of his robe to the side and level the dildo next to his own cock that had become hard without him realizing. He looked back and forth between the two of them, shaking his head at how eerily similar it was to his own. They couldn’t have done a better job making this one unless they’d made a mold of him.

Once his brain had processed the fact that the dildo was basically his dick twin, it moved onto the fact that Jimin was the owner of said dick twin. Then it created a nice little movie in his head of Jimin fucking himself with a dick that looked exactly like Yoongi’s, eventually moving on to replace the bodyless dildo with Yoongi’s form. Yoongi stared at the toy wide-eyed as the image of him fucking Jimin into a crying mess on his fluffy hotel bed seared itself into his brain.

“Fuck,” Yoongi hissed and threw the dildo back into the bag, scrambling away from it like it was a live snake.

The last thing he needed was to think about fucking one of his members. Sure, there was that one time back when they first formed when he may have entertained the idea of pursuing Jimin. Okay, maybe more than once or twice, but he was only human. Still, he’d never gone through with it because this was his career- his livelihood - and he would never risk that for some ass. No matter how great the ass looks. If things went wrong, he’d be putting both of their careers on the line. Assuming Jimin would have ever returned his feelings in the first place.

Yoongi sat in one of the dining chairs that faced the bed, staring at the opened bag. He supposed this meant that Jimin had his bag, and he’d have to go switch them back. He could totally play it off like he just peeked, right? No biggie. Even if he had seen stuff in there, he doesn’t care. He’s calm and collected, totally unbothered by the idea of Jimin having a sex toy in his bag. There were seven people living in their dorms, so walking in on each other was a regular occurrence. He’d seen Jimin’s dick at least a handful of times and handled it just fine. He could do this.

The sudden knock on his door made him jump, and he wondered if he actually could do this. Hopefully, it was just one of the kids and he could shove Jimin’s bag at them and tell them to bring him his. That way he wouldn’t have to see Jimin until tomorrow when his mind had calmed the fuck down.

Yoongi shuffled towards the door and opened it a crack, peering out into the hallway. Just his fucking luck. There stood Jimin in just his own hotel robe and slippers, grinning as he held what was obviously Yoongi’s own bag.

“Hey, hyung, let me in? I don’t want to flash anyone,” Jimin giggled as Yoongi opened the door wider to allow Jimin to glide past, before shutting and locking it once more.

“We got our bags mixed up, so I came to switch. Where is mi….” Jimin’s voice trailed off and Yoongi followed his gaze to the bag on the bed. The still open bag. Yoongi inhaled sharply as Jimin looked over at him, his eyes searching Yoongi’s face.

“You looked inside?” Jimin asked softly. Yoongi felt guilty even though logically he shouldn’t. He saw a bag he thought was his and opened it. End of story.

“I did. Figured out it wasn’t mine pretty quick.”

Jimin was blushing and chewing on this full bottom lip. Yoongi’s brain was apparently still malfunctioning because he wanted to bite it for him. Suck the lip right into his own mouth.

“Oh, I’m sorry you had to see that, Yoongi hyung.”

“I’m not.”

As Jimin’s eyes widened, Yoongi made the unfortunate realization that he’d just said that out loud.

“You’re not,” Jimin said flatly, his gaze on Yoongi turning weirdly intense.

“No.”

Shut the fuck up, Min Yoongi! What is wrong with you?  

“Why?” Jimin asked with a tip of his head, looking like a sweet confused puppy, despite the stare. And the slowly growing smirk as Yoongi floundered for an answer.  

“Did you...maybe like it?” Jimin’s voice was growing softer and Yoongi wondered if the rumors of him selling his soul to Satan to become a god damn sex god were true, because he felt like he was being hypnotized into giving Jimin the answers he apparently wanted.  

“Yes.”

Jimin sat on the bed next to his bag, glancing inside and no doubt noting that the toy wasn’t where he’d left it, instead displayed right on top where Yoongi had tossed it for all to see.

“Did you like it because you want to borrow it or because you liked me using it?”

“Yes.” It was official. Min Genius was no more. His brain was fried and he was only capable of one-word answers that made no sense.  

Jimin smiled, and Yoongi wondered if that was the kind of smile a male spider saw right before he got fucked and had his head bit off. It was deceptively soft, inviting, and full of promises.

“You know, I wasn’t really into the idea of having my own room. I was going to be so lonely. The only thing that I was excited about was getting to use this.” Jimin softly stroked the length of the dildo with a fingertip, looking at it fondly like one would a lover. Yoongi hadn’t known it was possible to be jealous of a sex toy, but here he was.

Jimin turned to Yoongi, peering up at him coyly through his lashes. Yoongi’s heart sped up so much it felt like thunder rumbling in his chest. He knew whatever Jimin was about to say was going to change everything.

“But maybe I should just stay here, then I won't be lonely and still get to play. Do you think that’s a good idea, Yoongi?” His voice sounded gentle and unassuming like he was just asking to hang out, while his dark gaze and words meant anything but that.

“Quite possibly the best idea you’ve ever had,” Yoongi managed to rasp out, his mind already trying to wrap itself around the picture that Jimin painted in there.

Jimin pulled the toy out of the bag and set it in his lap, playing with the skin on it as he innocently swung his legs. Yoongi most definitely was not waiting for flashes of skin as the robe moved with the motions.

“You know I had this one custom made? I mean, the company already had some good ones for sale. Like, there was one that was pretty similar to this one but it was almost ten inches! And thick! Sounds like fun but it wasn’t what I was looking for. I had to “accidentally” peek during costume changes to get your size right, and I’m pretty sure you have a couple more veins than I was able to get on this. It’s still a pretty good likeness though, right?”

Yoongi dropped into the dining chair across from the bed, staring at Jimin as the implications of his words sunk in. Yoongi had noticed the similarities, but Jimin was telling him that was by design. He’d wanted to be fucked by Yoongi’s cock?

“You almost caught me with it once. I thought I was alone in the dorms one day, so I’d attached it to the wall in the shower, pretending you were fucking me so well. I yelled out your name and I guess you’d just been passing the door on the way to the kitchen because you knocked and asked if everything was okay. I almost told you to come in because I wanted you to see me like that. To see how pretty I look with your cock buried in me. Instead, I chickened out and I pretended that’d I’d called you to set a towel outside the door for me.

Yoongi adjusted himself, sure that the robe was showing how fucking hard he was. He remembered that day too. He’d thought Jimin had hurt himself and was calling him for help. Instead, he’d been in there fucking himself on that god damn toy while he talked to him. Then he came out and cuddled him like a koala while they watched a movie.

Jimin cocked his head and fiddled with the tie of his robe.

“Yoongi, if you don’t want this just say the word. I won’t bring it up again. Otherwise...maybe I can take this off?”

Yoongi gripped the arms of the chair tightly. He nodded quickly before he changed his mind.

“Words, hyung. Do you want me to take off my robe and show you how I use your cock?”

Yoongi swallowed hard. “Yes, please.”

Jimin smirked and stood up, keeping eye contact with Yoongi as he untied the sash, letting the robe fall swiftly to the ground. Yoongi gulped and scanned Jimin from head to toe now that he was allowed to. He’d seen him nude quite a few times before, thanks to close quarters living and costume changes. However, it’s a different experience when you’re looking at someone nude with intent behind it.

Jimin was hot as fuck, he already knew that. He was beautiful all over; from his innocently seductive face to the hard planes of his abdomen, the powerful thighs. That fucking glorious ass that he’ll admit to jacking off to more than a handful of times. 

Yoongi found his eyes glued to the one area he’d never been able to spend a lot of time looking at before without fear of being caught. He was waxed everywhere, it seemed. Jimin wasn’t the biggest, merely average sized, but pretty. Pale pink like his lips and already hard, a little drop of precum growing on the very tip. Yoongi licked his lips, wondering how he tastes.

Jimin sat back down on the bed, spreading his legs wide enough for Yoongi to catch a glimpse of his puckered rim, as pink and waxed as the rest of him. Yoongi’s mouth watered as he thought about sticking his tongue there; eating Jimin out until he came just from that.

Jimin brought the toy to his lips, flicking out his tongue to lick the tip of the toy.

“I always wondered if I did this part right. I practiced so many different ways, trying to pick which one seemed more like you. Were you the just the tip kind of guy or a kitten lick the shaft type. Wet and messy, making me spill spit and cum all over the floor. Maybe you’d fuck my face without mercy, getting off on the way you could see your dick bulging in my throat.”

Yoongi’s hand was twitching with the effort it was taking to not reach into his robe to relieve the pressure. Shit, he knew that Jimin wasn’t innocent, but this man on his bed was a fucking shameless incubus. And judging by the confident grin, he knew exactly what he was doing.

Jimin licks from the balls to the tip slowly.

“Tell me, Yoongi. How do you want me to suck your cock.”

His own real one gave a wild twitch at that, but he held himself back from his real desire of telling Jimin to get the fuck over here and suck the real thing. He was just so in awe that this was actually happening that he was happy to let Jimin play his game.

“Kiss the tip and rub it across your face.”

Jimin let out a delighted giggle as he followed Yoongi’s orders.

“Hyung, you like your cock worshiped? I suppose it’s worthy of it. Gosh, imagine how pretty I’d look if this was the real thing. If I was kissing and nuzzling your cock, getting your precum all over my face and lips. Don’t you think I’d look so pretty like that?”

“Fuck yes.”

Jimin’s eyes fluttered half closed as he sucked the tip of the toy into his mouth, his beautiful lips wrapping about it. Yoongi bet that felt amazing, like a pillow for his cock to lay on.

Jimin pulled the toy from his lips with a loud pop and glanced over at Yoongi with a mischievous smirk.

“You wanna see something cool, Yoongi?” He didn’t even wait for him to answer before he was shoving the toy right down his throat. Yoongi didn’t hear any gagging, just the squelching of saliva as Jimin fucked his own throat.

Yoongi couldn’t take it anymore, the picture of deepthroating Jimin so exciting that his hand went right into the opening in his robe, grasping his painfully hard dick to relieve it. He wiped the tip with his thumb, amazed at how much he was dripping already. Jimin slowing pulled the toy out, licking his lips as he watched Yoongi’s hand.

“Hyung? Yoongi? Will you take your robe off for me? I wanna see you too.”

That was fair, Yoongi supposed. He observed Jimin as he slowly reached for his sash, his confidence growing the more Jimin looked like he genuinely wanted to see and wasn’t just playing with him. Despite the show, Yoongi liked to think of himself as a realist (though many would say pessimist), and he didn’t want to count out the chance that Jimin might just be fucking around getting his rocks off at his expense. However, he looked so into it, his cute cock twitching as he watched Yoongi peel off his robe and throw it on the table next to him.

Jimin whined when he saw Yoongi’s cock, so hard the tip was a dark red, precum streaming slowly off the side. Yoongi grunted as Jimin was seemingly so fucked up just from getting to stare at it freely that he’d jammed the toy back in his mouth, slurping on it without moving his eyes from him like he was pretending it was the real one. 

Jimin suddenly pulls it back out and reaches over into his bag, pulling out the lube and sliding the bag away from the bed. Without warning, he slathers the toy and slides it right in, propping himself up with one elbow to watch Yoongi’s face. 

“I’m still open from playing with myself in the shower. What do you think? Do I look pretty with your cock inside me? Look at how well I’m taking it all, Yoongi.” 

Yoongi could barely remember how to breathe as he observed Jimin moving the toy in and out slowly, teasingly. “You look perfect, Jiminie. So beautiful,” Jimin moaned lustily at Yoongi’s hushed words, plunging the toy inside of himself faster. 

Jimin’s eyes were wild as they met his, before trailing down his body to where his leaking cock lay hard against his stomach. 

“Can I...can I touch you? Is that okay? If you only want me to keep doing this I will, but...please, Yoongi hyung.” 

Yoongi licked his lips as he fought his initial response of panic. He wanted to let him. He wanted whatever Jimin would give him. They’d already gone this far, so going all the way couldn’t fuck things up any worse, he supposed. 

“Yeah. Yeah, you can do whatever you want.” 

Jimin pulled the toy out slowly, his eyelids dropping to hood his eyes in a way that appeared devilish. He threw it across the room towards the bag, the toy just barely reaching its target. 

“Those are dangerous words, Min Yoongi. You have no idea how long I’ve wanted you. Do you really mean it?” 

Yoongi had never been both so nervous and turned on before in his life. Not even his first time. 

“Yes. As long as this won’t fuck things up, or not if you’re like just bored right now and just messing around. Because you know I don’t do stuff like that. I’ll kick your ass, Park Jimin.” 

Jimin giggled, the adorable sound so at odds with the lewd scene of him lounging naked on the bed that it made even Yoongi crack a smile. 

“What’s so funny about that, I mean it.” 

“I know, hyung. It’s just such a Yoongi answer. I mean it, though. I want you so bad. I always have, but I was always worried about messing up the group or making you hate me.” 

“I could never hate you Jimin. I want you too.” Yoongi blushes as he moves closer towards the bed until he’s standing directly between Jimin’s spread thighs. “I’m serious. Do whatever you want.” 

Jimin’s eyes study his face until he finally beams sweetly, sitting up until their faces are closer. “Then kiss me.” 

Yoongi huffed in surprise. “All that for a kiss? I thought you were asking to tie me up or some shit.” 

Jimin laughs, putting his hands on Yoongi’s shoulders. “Another time, hyung. For now, kiss me.” 

Yoongi’s eyes drop to Jimin’s lips. The same ones he’s envisioned in multiple fantasies but never thought he’d get to really touch. They looked so soft. Yoongi licked his lips and slowly leaned in, pressing his own to them gently.

He could taste the honey chapstick that Jimin applied countless times a day. They were soft, so plush against his own. He wanted more. With a groan he laced one of his hands into the hair at the back of Jimin’s head, pulling him closer to deepen the kiss. Jimin sighed and opened his mouth for him, his fingers pressing harder into Yoongi’s shoulder like it was an effort to let Yoongi keep leading. 

Yoongi explored his mouth, letting his own tongue trace Jimin’s, that damn thing that had plagued him for years. He pulled back a little to nibble and suck on Jimin’s bottom lip, something he’d also wanted to do countless times before. Yoongi still couldn’t believe that this was actually real for once. 

He pulled away to look at Jimin. He looked as fucked out as Yoongi felt, so he considered that a win. His lips were red and swollen, and a pretty flush had taken over his cheeks. His eyes fluttered open and the look he speared Yoongi with was full of pure hunger. 

“Get on the fucking bed, Yoongi.” 

He inhaled sharply, normally not one to take commands like that, but somehow with it coming from the usually sweet Jimin, it worked for him. He quickly crawled up onto the bed, sitting with his back against the headboard. Jimin quietly observed him, smirking when Yoongi’s cock gave an involuntary twitch when Jimin stared at it a little bit too long. 

Jimin sighed, crawling over to sit between Yoongi’s thighs. 

“Its so hard deciding where I want to start. There’s so much I want to do to you, Yoongi, and so much I’ve wanted you to do to me.” Jimin’s finger trails slowly down Yoongi’s chest. “Have you ever bottomed?” 

Yoongi’s breath hitched. “Yes.” 

Jimin’s gaze was still simply curious and thoughtful as he nodded. Yoongi knew he was just being coy, but fuck. Is this where it’s going? 

“What’s your preference?”

“Uh, either really. I guess I usually top more, but I don’t mind bottom. Never saw the point of restricting myself to just one.” 

“I know, right?! Everyone acts like it’s some unspoken law that everyone must follow. Like, once you’ve had a dick up your ass, you must always have a dick up your ass.”

They laughed together softly as Jimin tenderly stroked Yoongi’s thighs.

God, they hadn’t even done much yet, but Yoongi loved this. They were so comfortable, even with Jimin constantly surprising him. 

“I ask because I really want to fuck you, hyung. We can switch for round two if you want, but can I?” 

Yoongi exhaled shakily, “Yeah.” 

Jimin leaned forward and pecked Yoongi’s lips before pulling back and staring down at him playfully. 

“Yeah what, Yoongi? What do you want me to do?” 

“You can...you can fuck me.” 

“Are you sure? It doesn’t sound like it.” 

Yoongi’s stomach roiled with nervousness. So this was how Jimin wanted it. Yoongi wasn’t usually one to beg, but he wanted Jimin enough to say fuck his pride. 

Yoongi locked eyes with him, letting some of his own desperate desire color his words. “Please fuck me, Jimin.” 

Jimin’s eyes fluttered shut, his own breathing sounding rather unsteady. 

“God, hyung. I’ve wanted to hear you say that for so long.” 

Jimin trailed butterfly kisses down his chest until he was facing Yoongi’s aching cock, his hot breath teasing him. Yoongi hissed as Jimin wrapped his hand around him. He was so fucking sensitive and the sight of Jimin’s small fingers trying to wrap all the way around and failing was hot as hell. He was not going to last long today. 

Jimin glanced up at him mischievously as he kissed the tip, rubbing it across his lips until they were shiny with precum. He hummed, sucking it into his mouth and tracing the veins that ran all over Yoongi’s length. 

“You’re so soft, hyung. Use a lot of lotion down here?” 

“Fuck you.” 

Jimin giggles and bends to lick a strip from his balls back up to the tip before swallowing him down. Yoongi was pretty sure that Park Jimin’s mouth was fucking heaven. So wet and warm and sucking him so fucking good. Yoongi let his head drop against the pillows, his eyes fluttering closed. So wet. Jimin wasn’t holding back at all, letting it get filthy and loud. 

Jimin had secretly lubed up his fingers because Yoongi could feel one tracing his rim, lubing the outside and pushing in. The stretch burned a little since Yoongi barely even had the time to mess around even by himself anymore, but he forced himself to relax and focus on the sinful mouth sucking him dry instead. By the time Jimin was three fingers deep Yoongi barely noticed with Jimin swallowing him to the hilt, his nose pressed into his tummy as he hit the back of Jimin’s throat. Yoongi barely held back the embarrassing whine that tried to escape. 

“Jimin, fuck, I can’t. I’m not gonna last. Fuck me now.” 

Jimin pulled out his fingers slowly and crawled up to him. Yoongi opened his eyes to meet the others. Jimin lips and chin were soaking and he couldn’t bring himself to care as he dropped down to kiss him. 

“Legs up to your chest, baby,” Jimin ordered against his lips. Yoongi shivered at the pet name and did as he was told. 

Jimin smirked, not missing the reaction. “You liked that? Instead of hyung should I call you baby? Sweetheart? Maybe Princess?” 

Yoongi groaned, “How the fuck are you like this?” 

Jimin giggled as he lined himself up, “Always trying to pretend you’re so tough and unemotional. But you’re not, are you baby? Just want to get fucked right and be treated like a pretty princess.” 

Jimin pushed in halfway, stopping to look at Yoongi with a raised eyebrow. 

“I can’t hear you, angel. Is that what you want? I’ll give you whatever you ask for.” 

Yoongi tried to push himself further down, releasing a frustrated grunt when he failed. 

“Yes, goddamnit. That’s what I want. I want to be good for you. Please fuck me.” 

Jimin pushed a little further inside. “Fuck, you feel so good, baby. So tight.” 

When he finally bottomed out, he leaned down and captured Yoongi’s lips in a harsh kiss. 

“I’m going to be totally honest right now and tell you I’m not going to last long. I’m too excited and you feel too fucking good,” Jimin muttered against his mouth, breathly harshly. 

“Thank god, because neither am I. I’ve been ready to blow since you dropped your fucking robe.” 

Jimin stuffs his face into the crook of Yoongi’s neck, giggling as he tries to nibble at it without leaving a mark. When he sits back up, he pulls out a little and holds himself still for a moment before snapping his hips forward, using all of his considerable dancer muscles to create a powerful rhythm. Yoongi was almost certain his pelvis was going to bruise from the force of his thrusts and he didn’t give a fuck. 

“So beautiful, Yoongi baby. You look so pretty being fucked and you feel so good wrapped around my cock.” Jimin panted, biting his lips as he drilled hard into him, loud slaps of skin against skin echoing throughout the room. “You’re mine now. Gonna fuck you every day. Gonna ki...shit...gonna kiss you every day. Gonna treat my Princess so fucking good.” 

Never had he considered that Jimin would even want to take control of him. Never before had he wanted someone to own him, even when he had bottomed in the past. However, as Jimin was pounding away on top of him, still looking glorious as ever - calling him his - he wanted to give him everything. He wanted Jimin to keep him. 

Jimin held Yoongi’s thighs to balance himself as he drilled harder, pistoning himself straight into Yoongi’s prostate. He leaned down every now and then to suck a mark into Yoongi’s chest, a safe place from the public eye, and he wanted to cry. He felt claimed. 

“Am I doing good, baby? Am I treating you right?” Jimin huffed, his own voice borderline whining as his pounding became erratic, a sure sign he was close.

“YES! Please, Jimin! Let me...please!” Yoongi was past caring that he had actual tears streaming down his face as he whined. All he knew was he wanted to cum and he wanted Jimin to be happy with him. 

“Please what? Does baby want to cum? Are you going to cum without me even touching you? What a good boy.” 

Yoongi keened, pushing his hips up as much as he could with Jimin’s hands weighing them down. 

“Fuck. Cum for me, sweetheart. Cum on my cock and I’ll fill you up good.” 

Yoongi cried out as his body stiffened, his hole clamping down on Jimin’s cock. A flood of pleasure washed over him as he shot wild bursts of hot cum from his twitching cock, most of it landing on both of their chests, some dribbling down his shaft. Jimin gasped as some of it found its way onto his dick, fingers tightening almost painfully. He slammed himself as deeply into Yoongi’s body as he could get, shouting his name loud enough that there was no way the neighboring room couldn’t hear them. Yoongi moaned happily at the soft pumping of Jimin’s cock inside him, and the warm rush of his cum filling him up.

Jimin was breathing harshly as he sat up and stared down at the spot where they were joined, pulling out gradually, his eyes growing wide with excitement as his cum trailed out of Yoongi’s ass. Yoongi hissed, knowing that was going to be a bitch to clean out, but it was still fucking hot. Some primal part of him almost wanted to plug himself up; to walk around with Park Jimin’s cum up his ass like he was marked. Yoongi huffed at his own ridiculousness. 

Jimin scooted up and settled himself right on Yoongi’s sweaty chest, throwing his left arm and leg over the top of him. He hummed and rubbed his head against Yoongi, sounding like a contented cat. Yoongi reached a hand down and laced it into Jimin’s hair, stroking softly as they both caught their breath. 

Yoongi was dreading having to move. He knew he had to get up to pee and eventually take another shower now that he was covered inside and out with cum, but he really didn’t want to. That meant it was back to reality. He wondered how long it would take until Jimin realized what he’d done and ran away. 

“Hyung?” 

Fuck, they were already back to hyung? Yoongi sighed, pausing the hand still laced in Jimin’s hair. 

“Yeah, Jiminie?” 

“I meant what I said, you know.” 

“Which part? You said a lot of stuff.” 

Jimin giggles. “Yeah, but I mean...I want to keep you.” 

Yoongi inhaled, holding his breath for a moment as he processed that. He exhaled shakily. 

“What exactly does that mean?” he asked nervously. 

“I mean, like, dating and stuff. I want to be your boyfriend. Obviously, you like me enough for this, but do you think you’d want to date me?” 

“Are...are you sure? We have a lot riding on us not fucking up. Do you think I’m worth it?” 

Jimin glances up at him, scrunching his nose. “Of course you are. You’re an asshole sometimes, but you still have hundreds of other things about you that are great that balance that out. We already know everything there is to know about each other. I love you and I’m willing to work for this.” 

“Love?” Yoongi whispered, his heart thudding wildly. 

Jimin’s eyes were wide, a gentle blush growing on his cheeks as he smiled shyly. 

“I mean, yeah. I have for a long time, but I get if you don’t or that it’s too soon or..shit, I fucked up. I’m sorry, hyung.” 

“I love you too.” 

Jimin searched Yoongi’s face after the hushed declaration, the other now smirking as his confidence rose. Finally, Jimin smiled softly, laying back down to cuddle back into Yoongi’s chest. He laced his left hand with Yoongi’s right, the left back to work scratching in Jimin’s hair. Jimin brought the hand to his lips to kiss it tenderly, and Yoongi felt his heart flutter uncontrollably. He’d never been treated with such care after a fuck before. He never cuddled or talked; it was just fuck and run. This was...so fucking nice. 

“Let’s go on a date later,” Yoongi blurted suddenly. 

“A date?” 

“Well, yeah. You’re my boyfriend now, right? Boyfriends date. You said you loved me and if you try to take that back I’ll have to kill you.” 

Jimin giggled, “Yeah, hyung. Let’s date. We’ll sneak out after Sejin hyung is asleep later.” 

“And what’s with this hyung stuff?” 

Jimin glanced up confused until he saw Yoongi’s blush that he was trying to hide. He smirked, scooting up until they were face to face. 

“You want me to keep calling you baby?” 

“Well, obviously not in front of the kids, but its...nice. I like it.” Yoongi stammered. 

Jimin hums and pecks Yoongi’s lips sweetly. “I figured. You always tease me about my obvious praise kink, but you’re just as bad. I’m just more vocal about it.” 

Yoongi speared Jimin with a mock-disgusted look, the other only laughing.

“Okay. When we’re alone you’ll be my baby. You’ll have to think of a name for me when you fuck me later though.” 

Yoongi choked. “Yeah, alright.” 

Jimin kisses under his jaw, nipping it lightly. “You have until I wake you up with a blowjob in a few hours to think of something sufficiently romantic.” 

“Anything for you, Jiminie.” 

[unwarrantedopinions-blog1]

AJR/Fletcher/3OH!3 @ ISU’s Braden Auditorium

A different take to the blog this post. I went to a show alone up in the Blono area. For those of you who are reading this and aren’t local, it’s Bloomington-Normal which is the home of the Illinois State University Redbirds. Pretty campus, nice majors, etc. Definitely worth checking into if you’re in the market for college. I have a lot of friends who go here / have went here. The parties are dope, the bar scene is hype, and it’s a great little place overall to spend 2-4 years if you have that kind of time and money.

FIRST IMPRESSION:

This was my first concert at Braden Auditorium and I am going to give it about a 7.5/10 rating for the venue, 8/10 for the vibe, and artists individually will get reviews/ratings later on in the blog. The venue was actually really well ventilated and it stayed cool inside despite the fact that it was packed as fuck and everyone was flailing around like an octopus at a rave. Parking was big and spacious, I conveniently parked closest to the doors not even knowing where I was going. Shout out to Brady for getting me where I needed to go via Snap since I was clueless. It was more or less just following the masses. (Doesn’t that lead to mass murder or cults?) The merchandise was right inside the doors and everything was front and center. AJR was the only artist that had merchandise out so I bought their short sleeved tie dye shirt (I’m a slut for tie dye) and their dusty rose hoodie with “100 BAD DAYS 100 GOOD STORIES” on the back because obviously. That’s my favorite song off Neotheater. I think it was reasonably priced. $35 T-shirt and $65 hoodie. Lucky for me, I brought exactly $100. Amazing on me.

I’m really not a fan of “assigned seating venues” so that was a bummer at first but the chair was super convenient when I wasn’t feeling it for the middle set. The facility is super nice, the security/assistants were super nice, the vibe was super nice. Overall super nice. The box office workers were SO kind helping me get my ticket (obviously I needed a physical ticket for the collection) and pointing me in the right direction to my seat. The people I sat around were kind as well. I had a group of girlfriends to my right, a couple to my left at first, and friend groups ahead and behind. As the Fletcher set went on and I was sitting, I had a weird guy come up and sit in the empty seat to my left. He got creepy after a few minutes and, GOD BLESS, the two girls that were together behind me saved the day and pulled me up to the next row back with them. After a while he tried talking to the group of girlfriends that were to my right originally and after talking with them I found out they were 17!!! So I told them I’d walk them out to their car after the show and they were so appreciative. Girls helping girls is what this future needs to become. Aside from that little stutter, the seating was not the best but wasn’t the worst. Neutral rating there, but for future reference I am gonna try to avoid assigned seating venues. Dat shit lame.

The thing I like the most about this experience for myself was that I was able to let myself feel. I have an issue with bottling up my emotions and I don’t ever process them, I just shove them to the back of my mind and wait until the shelf is too full and one falls off and I deal with it when the glass breaks. So being able to sit here, reflect on my emotions, feel things for what they are at their own face value, it was really nice. I heard all of my feelings loud and clear, I cried tears of happiness, sadness, confusion, excitement. There was so much going on in my brain that I couldn’t hold any of it in. Music is one of the only things that allows me to feel freely and deeply, so this experience helped me sort through what I’ve been holding onto. Some days I wonder why I hold on. I think this is a good habit to get into: going to a concert alone once a month, maybe twice. Not just for me, but for anyone who has a deep connection with music, artists, albums, etc. Overall, a pleasant experience for what I dubbed “Solo Sunday”.

ARTIST REVIEW:

3OH!3 - The first artist up on stage was 3OH!3 and I am honestly so emo over that itself. I’ve been into them since I was in middle school so that was a dope experience. I didn’t think I would see them in concert in my entire life let alone be a few feet from them so that was super surreal and I felt so starstrukk (puns, lol). Honestly, they’re so hype and their humor is very plain, but it’s still funny. I loved their set, recorded half of it on my phone, and will probably blare them on the hour long drive home. It was seriously such a great moment for me, my 13-year-old self was LIVING HER BEST LIFE and I can’t say 22-year-old me could’ve complained either. (10/10)

Fletcher - Fletcher was the second artist out of the trio. Let me start by saying her voice is AMAZING and she is TALENTED. But it’s too loud and strong for the mic and that needs to be adjusted so it doesn’t sound so blaring and shitty. I wasn’t really feeling her set so obviously I sat and started this blog. You could barely understand half the words she was singing when she got quiet, you could only hear her when she was loud. Aside from the sound, her lyrics were spot on for any girl going through literally anything. “Wish I could get a little undrunk so I could uncall you, at 5 in the morning I would unfuck you”. Bruh. My CHEST. Who said she could come for my life like that? This is wack as FUCK, I got called out hard on the whole set. There’s just something about the emotion in her voice that make the lyrics hurt 10x more and I think that is what makes a good artist. I think she talks too much midset and between songs, but maybe she will learn as she tours more that not every song needs an explanation for why she wrote it or when she wrote it or where. Overall I think her lyrics were good, the sound was okay, but the set was mediocre at best. Maybe an artist better on recording compared to live, will definitely give her a listen and fair chance. (7.5/10)

AJR - First off, let me just say that AJR was/is/always will be a (not so) subtle obsession. Neotheater (album review post coming soon) got me in my feelies so fucking hard that I couldn’t breathe. It was a cheap rib shot and it made me want to reevaluate everything I’ve ever said or done in my entire life. Seeing them live, being in the same building as them, it had my feelings on a whole different level. This album has been my rock for the last few weeks on repeat and helping me through this rough patch of my life. Being at the NEOTHEATER WORLD TOUR was unreal. They bring so much hype and playful banter to the stage, seeing them interact with one another (they’re brothers slash the “they were roommates” vine) was so wholesome. The gig was INCREDIBLE. I recorded most of the set to have for the bad days and the sad days. They are fun, upbeat, and quirky in the best way. I cried for the first 4-5 songs because it was so surreal to me and I was just in awe of the fact that the music that I listen to so I can make it through the day sounds 10x better in person. The vibrations in your chest and the pounding headache you find yourself not minding, the amazing crowd that feels the same or similar to the way you do, and the hype that everyone in the place felt. It was all amazing and I will never miss another AJR show again. I really just sat there and soaked in my tears the whole set. It was satisfying in a weird way to connect with something so simple so deeply. (10/10)

THE DRIVE HOME:

The drive home was hype while I sat in the lot trying to leave all the way up until I got out of Blono. It began as a light jam session of “I’m Not Famous” and “Burn The House Down” in the lot, transitioned to 3OH!3 on shuffle (skipping for all the high tempo bops), and then winded down with a play through of Neotheater in its entirety. From the moment I hit the highway from the last exit taking me home, I started the album from the beginning. I let the words sink it, the emotions connect, and I was a bawling mess. I sang, I cried, I bobbed my head along time the heartbreaking truths the lyrics were throwing at me. I revisited painful things from my life, I planned out new future plans. I took my present life into consideration and started working on a plan to get it back together. By the time I got home, my face was covered in teary mascara streaks and my eyes were bloodshot and burning. My cheeks were red and I felt so exhausted. Letting my emotions get out in their own way made me feel like a new person. The months upon months of bottled up feelings are gone and it’s time to start over with new ones.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

I enjoyed myself. That’s a phrase that will rarely come out of my mouth. But hey, it’s true. The experience was one of a kind, it was extraordinary, it was everything I wanted it to be. $50 to see a life altering show (dramatic, yes, but not entirely wrong either) was a steal. I would recommend an AJR headliner any day regardless of the openers. 3OH!3 as a headliner would slide if they had good openers. Fletcher as a headliner would be cool if you like that kind of thing. Don’t go to concerts alone unless you are adequately prepared to be alone. Help those around you, enjoy the moment, live for the now. Let those around you enjoy things in their own way. Be kind, be compassionate, be supportive. Enjoy the time you have because your days are numbered, regardless of the total amount. And when you think you shouldn’t do something because you don’t wanna go alone, do it anyway. It will be good for you and it will bring a new meaning to self care. I feel weightless and so wholesome. I am ready to tackle another week, month, and year.

[fairycosmos]

Urgent! I’m the one with the Denmark cousins, I just feel insecure and a bit jealous, they literally almost have it all, they basically lived my dreams lol. I hate comparing myself to anybody but people around me always do anyways. They’re adored by all my relatives, eyes are always on them. It’s like they’re the most important nieces in the family. They’re fucking beautiful and I hate that they’re nice people bc then how do u hate them then it’s wrong & I feel like shit

hey man. it's okay to feel a certain type of way about things, and trying to push those emotions away/ignore them won't solve anything. trouble is, intense jealousy is often linked to deeply rooted issues w your own self worth which is something that needs to be consicously worked on over time or with a counselor/therapist, otherwise it will keep cropping up. you have to look at who you are and what you have and let it be enough. however i also think you need to give yourself a moment to breathe, adapt, accept and let go of what you can't change. the jealousy may always be there to an extent, and while it's painful, it's not smth you need to feel guilty about because it's not like you chose this and it's not like you're actively being an asshole to your cousins about it. that speaks volumes about your character way more than what you're like 'compared' to them does. i'd encourage you to examine why you think they're so untouchable and cool - bc they're pretty? by what standards, and why are those standards imposed, do they even make sense? what does any of that that really change about you? isn't it possible that their light doesn't take away any of your own, even if the self conscious part of your mind wants to trick you into believing otherwise? maybe you could use this to begin to dismantle the lies you've been told about beauty and what makes a person worthwhile. look, when we're envious, we often fall into these black and white all or nothing mine sets, making generalisations and assumptions about the situation because we already feel so bad about ourselves. it happens to everyone at some point. but actively focusing on trying to look at your circumstances from an objective, realistic and fair point of view is crucial. ground yourself in the actuality, in your own strengths as a person. it may not work every time, but attempting is good enough at the start. take a step back and stop putting yourself beneath them right off the bat. they are truly no better or worse than anyone else in the world. consider that you're only seeing a snapshot of who they are considering they live so far away, and so making any sort of strong judgement on your own life in comparison to theirs is just counterproductive. maybe your family are just extra involved with them bc they rarely visit? i know it's hard, i know it feels shitty. and maybe it has to for a while before you brain fully comprehends it all. but comparison really is as pointless as trying to learn how to fly. i've engaged in it for a good portion of my life (as i think a lot of girls are taught to) and it's so fucking exhausting for no gain. maybe it's a natural thought process in your mind but you have to know that your biased against yourself and not every thing you believe about yourself and about your cousins is true. anyway. i'm sorry you're feeling so down about something as fundamental and multi faceted as who you are. and i'm sorry the people around you aren't seeing it. you deserve better and you will get it eventually. please keep in mind that you don't exist in relation to your cousins, that you are so much more than an arbitrary insecurity like this. as i said before, it's really alright to feel what you need to feel, to process it at your own pace and to give yourself some time for your perspective and self esteem to grow. i highly doubt that it'll always be this upsetting and intense, and there is always comfort in the temporary nature of this sort of issue. all the wonderful traits you have do not disappear in the presence of your cousins, or bc you can't see them, and that's the bottom line love. i hope you're okay and that you don't crucify yourself too much over this. a bit of self compassion goes a long way even if you have to force yourself to practice it!! i'll be here if you need a friend or if you want to talk more about about it. hmu whenever bro 💖

[ais-n]

So what ideas did you have for Boyd in Fade regarding human experimentation? What were you willing to put him through? Also, would you be willing to go into detail on what happened to Boyd while he was with by Janus? I always wonder about the details and I love reading your answers regarding them. Thanks ais!

Something of an answer is below but I might someday be more specific. I ended up rambling quite a lot on a bit of a tangent, so I’m putting this behind a cut.

WARNING! Some vague spoilers are below. But mostly I talk about some aspects of human experimentation from WWII. Don’t read this post if that will upset you or freak you out.

Hi! I’m so sorry, I was going to answer this like a month ago but then I lost my enthusiasm for the topic and then doubted myself on if I should talk in depth about things I had thought about... I’m still not sure right now on how much I actually should say. Not like it’s a big deal but I’m dumb. I do have the other ask still available so if I can get my weird mind and heart back on track for going at length on the topic in the future I can totally just answer off that. 

Do you ever get this way, where you’re super excited about something and you can go on about it, but then if you don’t do everything RIGHT THEN while you’re inspired, even days or sometimes even seconds later, that inspiration and excitement just completely fades? It’s so obnoxiousssss D:

Anyway so what I’ll say for now is my INITIAL idea involved that super asshole bullshit thing Unit 731 did where they tied people to posts at varying lengths away from a biochemical bomb they detonated in the center to release diseases and see how long it took people to develop symptoms and, sadly usually, eventually die... if not by the disease, then lots of times by the vivisection they performed without anaesthesia, sometimes just straight up taking out organs. 

But then I was like, man that’s going to be hard to come back from so I probably shouldn’t do that. 

There were people who lived through these things and were subjected to them repeatedly until they couldn’t live through it again. The entire thing is just so goddamn horrific, it’s out of control. But I kind of wanted to show how the road to hell can be paved with good intentions... the idea that just because you think you represent something “good” doesn’t mean you can’t become the same person or group you purported to fight against. In ICoS, Janus was as ruthless, if not sometimes more, than the Agency, but believed themselves not to be. They justified every terrible act by claiming the other side was more terrible first. 

I felt that the atrocities committed during WWII, particularly those done in secret by the Japanese government who can sometimes be overlooked now as much more innocuous than they were, were reflective of the levels to which a group would go to gain superiority over a system which they felt was denying them the power they deserved. I fucking LOVE Japan and I love so much about Japanese culture, I love the Japanese language, I’ve never been to Japan but I want to go because I know from images and videos I would absolutely love the country - but they definitely have done some really awful things that for a very long time, they absolutely refused to acknowledge. They just kept acting like these things didn’t happen because it wasn’t convenient to talk about and because of many other factors, I’m sure. 

But Unit 731 was fucking AWFUL, like at least as bad as the shit happening in the actual concentration camps, and yet everyone knows about the Nazis and how absolutely horrific the camps were, yet I had no idea about Unit 731 until I was in college and my Japanese film class or something else random like that covered it. That, and the rape of Nanking, and so much else. When we think of WWII, we think of so much of what happened in and directly around Germany, and we absolutely should. But there were also horrible things happening elsewhere, which were able to go more under the radar because of various circumstances, and which are under-acknowledged globally to this day. 

Essentially, because the Nazis and Germany were at the center of attention in this case, it allowed for Unit 731 and Japan to fly under the radar except to the countries and people they were directly causing massive trauma and impact. Unit 731, after all, fancied itself a scientific endeavor, in the same way that Janus fancied itself a revolution. It isn’t that science or necessarily even revolution can’t be important topics to focus on... it’s the way it was done.

That was what made me think of Janus initially... because there were all these other groups out there who kept taking the attention of the Agency, while in the background Janus was building an empire that was, ultimately, founded in pain. They also were both fine with collateral damage... victims of Unit 731 were a mixture of innocent victims kidnapped and coerced into their “cause” while others were prisoners of war at the mercy of a self-contained system that practiced no empathy. Not just a lack of empathy, a clinical dehumanization and disregard of the victim down to the aspect of not even labeling them as people, but instead calling them ‘logs’ in reference to the fact that their headquarters was an old logging facility. 

Janus was against the Agency because of many reasons (some of which were very valid points), but they allowed for innocent victims to be caught in the crossfire, then turned to coercing them into their control, and began experimentation on prisoners of war and others who they ultimately saw as a project, not a person. For both Unit 731 and Janus, the end goal was far more important than the journey. This was business, and in business people get hurt. That’s fine to them, because their business outweighs the worth of the people they roll into their fold as fodder for the cause. Same as the Agency, really, but the Agency had the control whereas Janus wanted to take it. Which, therefore, made Janus believe they were even more justified in going to greater lengths to seize that control, so it would be in the “right hands.”

So the short answer is that I was initially thinking I’d have Janus basically be willing to do just about anything Unit 731 did, but of course not all to one person because they would never survive it. And some things would be unnecessary to “test” in a more modern setting because science already knows the answer which it did not know at the time of Unit 731.

The trouble is that Unit 731 was the fucking worst, and people did not leave their care intact very often, if at all. All my original ideas could potentially work if done in just the right way, but most of them would have such lasting damage realistically that it was going to make it difficult to have him roll right back into being an agent in any sort of reasonable time. And if he came back without even a possibility of being an agent, I knew he wouldn’t last long at all.

So that’s what got me into thinking of other things that might be a bit more realistic for recovery, while still being awful and representative of the lengths to which humans believe they are justified in going just because they can. Ultimately, that got me thinking it might have to be more about the mind than the body. But also ultimately, that could almost be worse.

So that was the thought process that led to what went into the book. Feel free to ask me again in the future if you want about what more maybe happened in the part I didn’t write out in the book. When my brain isn’t being weird as hell I will probably be able to explore that topic more. I’ll leave the original ask untouched just in case, too.

Oh also btw, relatively recently Japan disclosed the names of thousands of Unit 731 members, which is a massive fucking step since for decades they refused to properly acknowledge Unit 731 even was a thing. So that’s a step in the right direction, at least, and an update I hadn’t known about on this topic until I googled it just now to check something else. Although, that article is a little misleading because it suggests the only victims were Chinese civilians and that isn’t the case. It was them, and a lot of other people from other countries, which I mention not to dismiss or discount the Chinese victims, but rather to recognize them, and add recognition to the other victims as well.

Anyway I rambled enough on this and didn’t even answer your question, I’m sorry... but if you do want an idea of what I was thinking when I first went into planning that whole arc, and if you have a strong mind and stomach, you can read into Unit 731 and get a good idea of the vibe of my initial imaginings. They were not happy vibes. They were incredibly fucked up.

[dreaminghigher]

are you still taking prompts for a/e-fanfics? if yes i'd like to ask for number 14 :) i really enjoyed reading your fanfics!! You're great!!!

Yep. Thanks dear

I actually had two prompts lists going around, so I assumed you sent about this one lol

Prompts list. Send me a prompt :)

*

Eames hates her. No, really. He does.  

Her name is Ariadne. She's a junior, 17, one year younger than him. Class president and on the math club, and the drama club. And, most importantly, she's Arthur's best friend. They do all school projects together, always sit at the same table in lunch. Damn, half the times they as much as walk through the halls they're glued to each other's hips, chatting like the gossiping maidens that they envision themselves as.

And, perhaps the worst part of it, she's in love with Arthur. Eames knows this because he sees the way she smiles at Arthur, the way she blushes when she talks to him, the look in her eyes when she's with him, which is the exact same look on Eames' own face everytime Arthur so much as fucking breathes.

Eames very much hates her.

Except she actually has a chance with Arthur. It's so fucking unfair, but she does, of course she does. She's everything. She's pretty, she's smart, she's funny, talks to the right people, is kind to everyone, and she knows Arthur. She actually knows him. She's his friend, and she's on the same drama club and sits at his table and makes him laugh and Arthur knows she exists, not like Eames, the bloody football jock that Arthur never seems to give a second thought about.

From the table in front of him in class she leans close to Arthur and whispers something that makes Arthur laugh, easy and carefree, dimples in full display as he leans and whispers something back. Eames really fucking hates her.

She feels the weight of his stare and looks back at him. And when she notices it's him she flashes him a sweet smile, like the perfect human being that she is.

Eames glares for all he's worth.

She frowns at the ice in his stare and turns back around. Eames feels shitty for being rude, feels shitty for feeling shitty, and represses the urge to scream.

*

From the moment Eames transferred, back in sophomore year, Eames has been in love with Arthur. And, from the moment Eames transferred, back in sophomore year, Arthur has proceeded to not give a single fuck about him.

Wel, not from the moment precisely. Perhaps about fifteen minutes later.

The very moment Eames transferred he was the new kid moving here from the UK, who was lost and could use a little help getting around. And Arthur was the brilliant, gorgeous kid who took a look at his schedule and smiled and said, hey, I think we're on the same class, and proceed to offer to show him around the school. Eames said yes right away, perhaps a little over enthusiastically, and he's embarrassed but Arthur just smiles and leads the way. The whole time Arthur has a faint blush on his cheeks, and is holding a backpack stripe pretty hard, and whenever Eames catches his gaze Arthur smiles a little, like something small that belongs just to Eames and Eames has the ludicrous, exhilarating thought that this is actually the start of something brilliant.

And then Arthur mentions the clubs Eames could choose to join and Eames has to, of course he has to stick his foot in his mouth and say that "anything but the drama club should be fine," even though the drama club sounds awesome, because he doesn't want to look like a fucking geek, because he wants Arthur to think he's cool, and Arthur has to ask, carefully, "why?"

"Because, it's stupid, innit? Bunch of condescending geeks trying to out ego each other and blow their own dicks."

And Arthur obviously answers "of course you'd think the drama club is stupid. You can go for the football try-outs over there, try not to bully anyone on the way, or trip and lose whatever brain cells you have left," because Arthur is the fucking producer of the plays for the drama club, because he cares a lot about this, because he's had a lot of problems with sports jocks before and Eames sounded like his next nightmare, not that Eames knew at the time. And Eames would never, ever be the kind of asshole to be cruel to Arthur because of his hobby, or to call him a fag or mess with his things or be a general bully, but Eames is new, so he doesn't get that that's what Arthur is thinking and doesn't defend himself.  

So Eames doesn't know and he just sees Arthur completely shut down and he shuts down too, is cold right back at him, all through the next weeks, and by the time he finally understands and apologizing crosses his mind he sees Arthur laughing with this girl at lunch, stealing food from her plate and smiling and being happy, and Eames feels so completely out of place that he doesn't have the guts to say anything.

*

So, yeah. Eames hates her. And he doesn't think she's best friends with anyone else at the football team to be honest, so he really has no clue why she's sitting in the bleachers during practice later that day. But then again, she lives in an aura of sunshine and rainbows. Maybe she's just genuinely confused why Eames, or anyone, really, would glare in her general direction and wants to clear things up. And, now that Eames thinks about it, she is exactly the kind of person who would seek him after class to know if she has done anything or if everything is okay. Eames resigns himself for a conversation he really doesn't want to have.

But he's not a coward. Much. So when they have a break he grabs his bottle of water and after only a mild panic he makes his way over to her. She immediately puts her backpack on her other side to make room for him, so he sits down and starts drinking his water. They're both looking at the field. Eames chugs down most of the bottle before she actually says anything.

"I know you don't like me. I do. But I just, I don't think I ever did anything to you? So, I mean, if it's-"

"Ariadne, it's fine-"

"No, listen, if it's anything I'm doing you could tell me. I just wanna know what your problem is-"

He thinks about saying it. 'I'm in love with Arthur.' Simple and quick. 'That's my problem.' Thinks about what her face would look like, about fucking getting this off his chest, about telling someone who knows the feeling, thinks about not having to lie so much about it.

He sighs.

"Ariadne."

"Sorry, that come out harsher than I meant. It's just, you're not like this, you don't do this to anyone else so it has to be me but I haven't done anything to you so why."

'I'm in love with Arthur,' he thinks.

Quick and painless, and she'll leave you alone.

"You haven't done anything. It's not like that."

"But it has to be something, right? Damn. I'm not your enemy here. I just want to solve this before it could escalate because I seriously have no fucking clue-"

Quick and painless, right?

"I'm in love with Arthur." He says, before he can talk himself out of it. "I don't like you because you get to be close to him, which is something that I can't have."

Fuck.

What the fuck was he thinking?

His heart is trying to beat right out of his chest. He's ready for anything, he tries to tell himself, he is, for a screaming match, for condensation. For disgust. He can take it, he can. But he still doesn't expect the complete silence, or the moment it gets broken by Ariadne letting out a giggle.

"God. Seriously?"

Eames feels his cheeks heat.

"Listen, I don't need you fucking laughing at me-"

"No, wait, Eames, it's just. Jesus. Arthur thinks you hate him."

Eames feels his blush deepen, out of anger, embarrassment, a suffocating combination of both.

"Arthur doesn't know I exist, it's not the same thing."

Ariadne looks at him with a small, sad smile. "Of course he knows you exist. But he really thinks you hate him, it embarrasses the shit out of him."

Eames doesn't know how he's supposed to process this.

"But." He starts "Why would he think that?"

Ari shrugs. "He was rude to you on your first day. He said he thought you were one of those brainless jocks, and by the time he realized you weren't a bully and get straight A's he had been super rude and was too embarrassed to apologize."

Eames looks down, plays with the cap on the water bottle for a moment.

"I was the one rude to him actually." He says. "About the drama club. Which I actually would have loved to join. I didn't have the guts to apologize."

Ariadne looks away, shakes her head a little.

"That was over a year ago. Did neither of you ever hear of talking to each other?"

There's something sad about her. Like she's talking to him but her mind is a little elsewhere. Eames knows the feeling.

"You're in love with him." He points out, doesn't quite make it into a question.

"Yeah," she answers anyway.

He takes a deep breath.

"If you still want to join the dra-" she starts, at the same time that he says,

"If you're gonna give me some-"

They both stop. She gestures for him to go on.

"Listen," he tries again, slower this time, "if you're gonna give me some kind of cautionary tale about how I should stay away, trust me, I get it, so you should just spare us both the trouble-"

"Why the fuck would I do that?"

Eames pauses.

"...you're in love with him." Eames finds himself pointing out again.

"Yeah."

Eames makes a gesture that is supposed to encompass that. She gives him a bare hint of a smile.

"I don't own him. I can't make his decisions for him." She looks away, pushing down a hurt that seems to be old for her. "I can't make him choose me," she says, and tries to shake out of it. "If you still want to join the drama club, you can. I don't think Arthur will mind. And everyone else too, they'll all be happy to have you there."

Eames just looks at her, feels a beat pass by in silence, and then another.

"Why would you help me?" He asks finally, small.

"Exclusively for my drama club interests." He narrows his eyes at her. She flashes him a grin "Because you seem like a cool guy, and we could actually use another member for the club. Even if you don't get a main part, we always need extras for the play, and people to build the sceneries."

He doesn't know how to answer that.

"Hey," she pokes him. "We’re in love with the same person. Friendships have been built on less common ground."

That actually gets a startled laugh out of him. He looks at her, and she smiles, and in that moment there's a quiet sort of understanding between them.

Sure.

It's gonna hurt.

They can't both get what they want. But they don't have to be enemies.

She stands up and grabs her backpack. "Practices are Tuesdays at three. Show up for the next one, okay? Arthur will like it. You'll have a space there, if you want."

"Alright."

"See you around, Eames."

"You too."

Just before she leaves, he calls her back. "Hey, Ariadne?"

She looks back.

"Thank you," he says, and finds that he means it.

She salutes him. It's melancholic. He doesn't think he looks much different.

"Don't be late on Tuesday," she says finally. "Good luck."

[xx-thedarklord-xx]

Decisions

I don’t even have a prompt to blame this on. Lol this was swimming in my head and needed to be written down. Thank you @carpemermaidtales for being my beta on this! I appreciate it! 

------------------------------------------

           Ron wasn’t quite sure how it all started. Grappling with life choices should be simple, at least figuratively. But for some reason, he had two very determined spirits making his life difficult.    

           It was supposed to just be a simple decisive charm. He wasn’t sure where it backfired. Part of him – the uneasy and insecure part – was worried about proposing to Hermione. The charm was supposed to run through his options and help him decide how to handle it all. It wasn’t supposed to be this… disaster.

            “Are you ignoring me?” The outraged tone had Ron wincing as he tried to pretend that there weren’t two opposing sides of an argument on his shoulders.

            Draco - the annoying git - was the physical manifestation of bad decisions. He was trying to encourage Ron to propose horribly.

            “Leave him alone. Ron is stressed.”

            Bless him. Ron was becoming a fan of Harry, the physical manifestation of good decisions.

            “Leave him alone?” Draco nearly yelled. “We are the ones that were summoned to help him, and he’s the one who isn’t even listening.”

            “Well maybe,” Harry began, hands going to his hips. “your bad advice is the problem.”

            Ron groaned in annoyance, not wanting to hear them argue anymore. They had been going at it forever, the stupid little buggers. They were so small that he couldn’t really feel them on his shoulders. He was just glad that they were on opposite sides, or else he would worry about what would happen if they came in contact.

            “Excuse you?” Draco’s tone had gone dangerous and Ron was just glad that it wasn’t directed at him. “I don’t give bad advice. Who is the one winning here? If I remember correctly, I am the one who has more decisions in their contract.”

            “Only because you cheated with Riddle! One more minute and I would have gotten him to see the error of his ways.”

            A derisive laughter left Draco’s mouth and it had Ron sighing heavily.

            “You would say I cheated, wouldn’t you? You good for nothing do-gooder with a savior’s complex.”

            The offended gasp Harry released was enough to make Ron sit down on his bed. This was getting out of hand. He had only wanted help in choosing the best restaurant to take Hermione to. Merlin, this was a bloody nightmare.

            “You did cheat!! You used his fears against him.”

            “That’s not cheating!” Draco argued, getting angry enough to poke Ron’s cheek in the process. As if it was Ron’s fault he was angry with Harry. “It was strategic! Not my fault he was easy to manipulate. Don’t get mad at me because your disgusting self-righteous morals didn’t attract his attention.”

            “Guys,” Ron spoke up, hoping they would just be quiet.

            “Since when is having morals disgusting?” Harry countered, poking Ron’s ear. What was with these two?

            “Have you met me?” The question was said incredulously as Draco gestured to himself.

            The fight left Harry in a whoosh. “Alright. You might have a point.”

            The admittance seemed to booster Draco’s already smug attitude.

            “But,” Harry continued, ignoring Draco’s scoff. “That doesn’t mean that I can’t help Ron!”

            Finally. Ron was two seconds away from chucking them both out the window. Or maybe he could give them to Fred and George. He opened his mouth, only to close it when Draco vehemently disagreed.

            “You won’t be helping him. I will.”

            “I don’t give a fuck who helps me,” Ron yelled, cutting off anything Harry could have said. “As long as the end answer is Hermione saying yes.”

            Harry stood up straighter, fiddling with his glasses. “All you have to do is be yourself and the rest will come.”

            Draco scoffed harshly. “What kind of hogwash is that? Be yourself. Ha!”

            Ron had to agree. That was horrible help.

            “If he is to be himself, then the girl will clearly say no.”

            Ron dropped his mouth open before he narrowed his eyes angrily. He wondered if a fall off his shoulder would kill the little pest.

            “Draco!” The scolding did nothing to the blond little devil. Ron thought it was nice of Harry to defend him anyways. “For all we know, she might like his oddities.”

            That was it. Ron had no patience left. What kind of karma did he have in life for this to be his reality? He had always been a decent wizard, stood up for others and made sure to be kind. Surely, that should have warranted him a pass to this.

            Draco made a disinterested noise. “She and I would not see eye to eye then.” He then pulled on Ron’s ear until the redhead turned to look at him in exasperation.

            “What?” Ron wasn’t going to apologisze for the anger in his tone. These two had to go. He didn’t even care what it would take to get rid of them. He’d sell his soul if they would just leave. He had a potential fiancé to woo.

            “Don’t listen to Harry. Don’t be yourself. Be somebody else. Someone charming and good looking.”

            “I hate you.” Ron whispered miserably, he ignored the sound of Harry scolding Draco. It wasn’t going to be of any use.

            Harry kindly tapped on the side of Ron’s head. “Don’t listen to Draco. I am sure you are a lovely person. Probably full of charm.” They both ignored Draco’s snort of disbelief. “I think that you could propose anywhere, and she would say yes. Probably even here!”

            “Why would he propose in a shack? That doesn’t sound romantic at all. I would have killed you if you had proposed to me here.”

            “Hey!” Ron threw his hands in the air. “This isn’t a shack! It’s my bedroom!”

            An uncomfortable look flittered across the spirit’s face. “Oh. Well… it’s a lovely… room.”

            Yeah. Like Ron was going to believe that.

            Harry had a look of disappointment on his face and it surprisingly was causing Draco to shift his feet nervously.

            “For what it’s worth. I probably would have said yes if you asked me here.”

            There was a slight pink flush staining Draco’s cheeks and that, combined with the statement, had Ron’s brows pinching and confused frown to form.

            The look of disappointment disappeared and suddenly Harry was smiling softly. “I know.” A small pop could be heard before Harry was on the same shoulder as Draco. “It didn’t matter where we were, did it? You still said yes.”

            Ron blinked rapidly, mouth trying to form a response, but his brain wasn’t working. These two couldn’t really be together, right?

            Draco lifted his face in the air, snubbing Harry entirely. “Only to save someone else the embarrassment of putting up with you.”

            “Oh?” Harry arched a brow, smirk quirking up the corner of his mouth. “You care about others now? Since when?”

            “Since you started slacking with your job. Aren’t you the Saint of all that is good, or some other boring title?”

            Harry laughed loudly. “I didn’t know my job was so important to you.”

            “Yeah, well –”

            “Wait a minute.” Ron interrupted, hand rising up sharply. “Are you saying that you are married?” He paused, trying to let that sink in. “To each other?”

            While Harry furrowed his brows, Draco smiled softly. “We’ve been married far longer than human civilization even existed, but yes, we are.”

            Ron hummed in thought, allowing his mind to try and figure that out. “Well, then that settles it. Harry, I have decided to do what you said. I’ll just be myself.”

            “Wait!” Draco called out, ignoring Harry’s smug smile. “Don’t you want to consider this some more? Harry’s idea is just horrid.”

            Harry snapped his fingers and a long roll of parchment appeared in Ron’s fingers. “Sign on the dotted line.” When Ron looked down at the seemingly endless scroll a little dubiously, the spirit continued. “This is just a waiver stating that should the decision not work out as the caller intended, that we are not to be held responsible. Just legal stuff, you don’t even need to read it.”

            “If the two of you can make it work, despite being complete opposites, then I have nothing to worry about,” Ron explained, signing quickly. He hoped this would make the two of them leave quickly.

            “We are tied now,” Harry smugly pointed out, dancing in what Ron assumed was supposed to be celebratory.

            “For now, Potter. For now.” Despite Draco’s attitude, the blond leaned forward to press a kiss to Harry’s cheek. “I’ll get the next one.”

            Harry grinned widely. “I’m sure you will, love.” He looked to Ron before patting the redhead’s head. “I’m sure she will say yes. If you ever need us again, don’t hesitate to summon us!”

            Ron waited until the spirits disappeared before he shook his head rapidly. He didn’t care what kind of issues ever arose later on, nothing would ever make him call on them again. Nothing.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

            Draco wrapped his arms around Harry as they watched their past charge dance at his wedding. “It would seem that your advice worked.”

            Harry loved the happy expression on everyone’s faces. “My advice always works.”

            Pointing out that Harry was clearly delusional would ruin the mood, so Draco decided to wait until they got home for that.

            “Think he has any idea that he signed over the rights to his soul in the afterlife?” Draco wondered, watching the happy couple laugh with a few of the guests.

              “Absolutely not.” Harry turned around in Draco’s arms, smirk bordering on malicious.

[seesarahaccomplishstuff]

Therapy today helped a bit.

I told my therapist how I’ve been having intense breakdowns since Monday and haven’t been doing okay.

She asked what happened and I told her how I thought the childhood stuff wouldn’t bother me because it was so long ago, but it’s so frustrating to see how much my parents fucked me up. And now there’s this huge list of ways I’m broken that won’t stop growing. And it’s my entire personality. And more people are leaving and that triggered my anxiety, and someone that I’m trying to trust massively crossed a boundary that made my rejection issues even worse.

So she nodded and said “you have a lot to work on. And you really jumped all into it, which is really great, but you’re going to feel like you’re losing for a while. It’s going to overwhelm you a lot. And it’s going to feel easier to lock yourself in your room and off yourself.” (Which I didn’t expect her to say, but she’s right) So I said, “I just don’t fully see the point in trying to fix 30 years of broken.”

“What’s wrong with your personality?” “It’s all fucked up. Everything I do is codependent.” “Sure. Give me an example.” And I couldn’t think of one offhand, so I said, “the thing I realized the other day was I do something for someone because I care right? Which is fine. But also when people are stressed about their situation they get mad. And when that happens I get snapped at and shoved away. So I help to avoid that too I think.”

She was not sold on that. “You used to buy dinner for friends a lot. You did that so you wouldn’t get in trouble?” “No. I did it because I like when people do nice things for me and they don’t always make sure they can eat so I do it so they feel cared about and are healthy.” “That’s just being kind. When you would pay a bill for them they typically pay it right back. So is that codependent?” “No. They need help so I help and they pay it back.” “The times you did it when you didn’t have money to spare. (Which I argued and she called me out lol) The times you let them blow off repaying- that was codependent. You do have a lot of codependent tendencies. But kindness is inherently codependent. You can’t rip apart any time you’ve shown someone kindness. Your biggest codependency issue is not holding boundaries for yourself.”

“You need to repeat the phrase ‘People treat you the way you’ve taught them to treat you’.” “My friend used to say that to me at least once a week.” “Yea well, they’re smart and we’ve covered that you needed to listen to what they’d tell you more than you did. You also need to remember that you don’t control other’s emotions. And other people don’t control yours.”

“People think you’re manipulative and controlling. That’s what they’ve taken from your behavior. You can’t control that. You know it’s not what you intended. You know you’ve been improving for many months. I know you have. But you made them feel a certain way and their opinions didn’t change. You can look at that and acknowledge it and re-examine your behavior like you are. But you can’t change their minds. And their feelings don’t make you that person. So fixating on it doesn’t get you anywhere.”

And then she asked me if I was doing all of this for me or them and I told her I’m having a hard time prioritizing myself. That it pisses me off when people pull the “great pain means great growth. You’ll look back and smile” bullshit. Because the way this feels is terrible and I hate it. So, I know I can’t change anyone’s view of me, but I’m doing all this to try and be who I wanted to be for people who had to leave because of my behavior. And she accepted that.

I also have to start some EDM... pretty sure it’s 4 letters. It’s something to work through past trauma. She said she’d send videos to watch. My alanon group leader asked if she did that sort of thing last week so I guess that’s just where we are. Wait lol... edm is music lemme actually Google the acronym so I seem less ignorant. EMDR, damn dyslexia. Anyway. That.

But basically, I need to really work to not shred myself when I’m low. It’s gotten bad. I also need to start on my books that came yesterday. 2/3 are here. She wants me to try and list my codependent behaviors. I also need to start painting and journaling again. I like this outlet and it’s easiest for my brain, but the way I was doing it all in my watercolor notebook was really therapeutic. It’s just been a bitch of a week.

I’ll be fine and I feel less like having a breakdown or dying. I think I know another thing that is really fucking with me through everything, but I don’t feel comfortable posting it here right now I think. I also can’t do anything about it.

Last night in alanon a woman said “when one door closes another one opens, but the hallway is hell.” And like, yea. Fuck dude. I took a psych class once where the teacher had a gazillion psych type degrees and would open the class with us getting to ask about mental health shit. And one kid asked if it was possible to change personalities. And he said “sure, but you usually see it following a trauma where it rewrites your thought processes. Because it’s hell to do otherwise, and a lot of people can’t handle it.” And I get it now. I thought he meant habits and comfort zones. But it feels like being handed a pile of shards that used to be your brain and given a timelimit to reassemble it. But half the pieces are trauma copies and you have to figure out which parts are imposters, but they actually fit better than the pieces that should be there. And if you fail you lose everything.

Anyway, that’s where I am today. I queued a couple posts last night so you might see random downers, but what I’m thinking of doing is only reblogging positive stuff, and queueing negative stuff that resonated for like, 7am. And I say that because sometimes I rescroll my blog to recount the day or previous day to either feel good with the good posts again or reevaluate the things I’ve said the day before. Since with my mood they don’t always apply still or I may have a totally different approach at that thought. And I do that when I go to bed around 2. So at 7 I won’t be seeing negative shit right before bed. Cuz I’ve fallen asleep and woken up bitter the last few days.

We’ll see. I have lots to do today. I’ve been off twitter so no children have reminded me to do my taxes. I also have to get a new phone today so I’m fully out from under my mother. And I have insurance stuff and inspection cleaning to tackle. It’s only 1 and I’m ready to call it a day.

I hope what my therapist said helps anyone else who is struggling. I like hearing the lines that have stuck with patients and really helped them. So when it doesn’t fuck with me I’d like to be open about what I discuss in therapy. I always used to think it’d solve so many of my problems if I could send my friends zoom links of my sessions since I’m so bad at expressing myself lol. So this is also a bit of an exercise for me to be more outspoken about my feelings (if this bothers anyone you can send an anonymous ask) And therapy isn’t accessible to everyone so maybe it gives someone what they need to go forward a bit in their struggles. (Alanon and CoDa are free and on zoom now though! Definitely look into it if it applies to you!)

There’s a line in a bts song. Idk which one honestly, Ik it’s in the BE photo book though I can post a pic. It comes to mind because my friend would write it a lot when they first heard it. And it’s something like “sometimes we get to know that broken is beautiful”. My therapist today said “you are broken, everyone is. And no one is as broken as they think they are.” I hope one day this feels like a beautiful moment in my life and not the purgatory it feels like. I hope I grow enough for it to be worth it.

[pions]

This turned into more of a "tips I've learned that I'm sharing" list, because a lot of what makes me happy about myself is constantly learning new things and applying them to my life. So here are some positive things about me with commentary. Requested by @probablypartalien

I've been stressing over who to tag because I don't want to make anyone feel weird, but if you're a follower of mine and you want to do this when please do, and tag me in it. :)

Anyway, here's the content --------------

1. I'm super happy about how much my communication skills have grown in the last few years. I was a pretty stunted kid as far as "talking normally to others" went, and I had a lot of anxiety about saying weird things that would get me teased, so I often wouldn't know what to say at all. I'm still pretty awkward but I don't seem as anxious about it anymore so I think it helps. one-on-one's have been a lot better ever since building my arsenal of "script" phrases too. I can make appointments, and order food without having to worry so much because i better know what to expect now. So that's cool

2. I saw an disordered eating post today and that reminds me that I'm way better about my eating habits than I used to be. For almost all of my childhood I was surrounded by adults who did name brand diets, and encouraged weird eating to trick the body into losing weight. At no point was there a balanced diet and exercise plan, and when I wanted to lose weight as a kid my mom told me to stop eating carbs. (I was 13! And I did and got super small but it's also caused me many body battles and fluctuations and dizzy spells and overall it's bad kids don't diet like that)

But anyway, ever since becoming an adult I've had a lot of success with not starving myself, and applying other good tips for keeping my body machine running smoothly. There's still a lot to unpack, but it's definitely better :) many thanks to that nutritionist I saw a few times lol. I'll share a few of the takeaways

- only put on your plate what you're going to eat

- put enough on your plate, don't go back for seconds. feel free to add a cookie or snack or anything you want to eat that makes you happy, just make sure to only take what you can eat

- Your diet shouldn't feel restricting or make you feel like you're missing out! It's all about moderation of food intake

- Don't eat in front of distractions. Find a table and make it an event of its own. That way you'll better focus on the way your body feels when you get full. You don't have to eat once you're full, but it takes about 10 minutes before you can even tell that you are

- your body will adjust itself based on food intake, and it knows how to best regulate itself so don't worry if your food plan doesn't make you look like someone else on the same plan, because your body is always doing what's best for itself, and trust that if your diet is healthy that your body is doing its best too, even if your not seeing "results"

3.) learning to throw away my pedestal for the raw intelligence mentality was one of the best things I've ever done. Probably most of us here can relate to being one of the smart kids, and I specifically was one of those kids singled out at an early age and placed in a 'gifted program' (and jeez did that do nothing for me but isolate me socially, and set an impossibly high standard was what was clearly my "God-Given genius") I've seen the same pattern from every single gifted kid I know. They have a hard time working for things because if they're not already good at it then they must've been faking this 'gift' the whole time

Honestly I'm here for saying FUCK intelligence/genius/IQ culture altogether. The thing that keeps me going is knowing that just because you're bad at something, and ESPECIALLY if you're slow to pick things up, doesn't have any say on your worth as an academic. The human brain is so so powerful, and it's better and faster when it's trained to know how to do the thing! Even problem solving is a SKILL! All skills take practice, even if it's quick mental math, even if it's pattern recognition, even if it's reading-comprehension. We need to stop writing ourselves off as 'less than' just because someone is already better at it, or they picked up on it easier. We're all on different paths and levels and it's okay to know just to do you on your own time. You're capable, and I know I am.

Definitely happy that I've taken that one to heart. It helps all the time

4) Speaking of cultivating skills, I have a few I'm pretty damn proud of.

One: I'm really really good at problem solving. I spend so much of my waking time thinking about problems, and I'm told by a lot of my friends that I come up with efficient and creative solutions, and I really value that.

Two: You bet your ass I'm the best researcher around. I know so so many things specific to my interests. If you ever want to know or need help with computer programming, astronomy, or physics I'm pretty much your guy. I love to know things deeply so that I can re-explain them in a simple way. It's one of my favorite things to do, chewing up impossibly large topics

Three: this is a good one: I'm way better at asking questions now. Might sound weird, but I used to be really bad at asking questions because I had a hard time understanding why they didn't immediately have my answer. I considering myself a dummy level of meticulous, so if I'm asking a question you best bet that I've crafted it to sound like it makes the most sense in my head, but what would you know? Other people aren't me, and so I would repeat the same wording over and over and they would drive me crazy with the wrong responses. A good step is to let the person answering the question know what you already have in mind. It keeps them from repeating concepts your already have, and instead of them guessing whats wrong, they can start nit-picking or confirming your thoughts. It was so hard for me to understand that others are not in my head when I'm asking these things, but keep in mind that they're often on another planet and it requires some grounding before you can make progress. Saves so much time and frustration if the questioning process is dynamic

5. I'm the autistic nb your parents warned you about, and I think that's pretty sexy of me. I shan't explain

[fabjohn]

hi there, im a lonely little fanfic writer uwu how would you go about executing an "enemies to friends to lovers" dynamic between paul and stu in a fic around 15-20 chapters? i always wanted write something like that, but i have trouble deciding how long it would actually take for a relationship like that to form realistically, and what elements/events could change the speed at which it happens and stuff like that so////. please let me know if you have any ideas/tips for me o;

well i mean, this is a difficult thing to answer because there are SO many ways you could go about this. it’s your story--you tell me how it’s going to happen! i can try to offer some advice though. (and forgive me if i come across as condescending; i’m answering this as if you’re a beginner, but you may not be! take from this what you will) 

first of all, i would scrap the 15-20 chapters criteria. just completely forget it, toss it out the window, it never happened. in my experience, one of the worst things you can do is try to take a simple idea and drag it out for the sake of writing a 200k behemoth. the reverse can be just damaging; if your idea is so big and complicated that you need 200k to make it happen, yet you try to condense it down into 5k, you’ll never be satisfied with the end result. plus chapter lengths are completely arbitrary. some people write 1k chapters, i usually end up writing about 15-20k per chapter, and some even do more. really it’s just personal preference, though you should be mindful of your story’s flow. i end up trying to have some kind of theme to each chapter; i start in one place and try to bring it full circle, where the characters have reached some kind of new understanding at the end. some people divide chapters every time they introduce a new story element. for example, chapter one introduces paul, a wannabe rocker but his dad wants him to get a real job. chapter two brings john into the picture, maybe he visits paul’s house, and the readers get to see their relationship. chapter three then starts the real meat of the story, where they try to defy jim’s wishes so paul can be in the band. this is something that can realistically be done in 1k or less, and while it’s a little choppy for my taste, is a really easy format to tackle for beginners imo. with fanfiction there’s really no right or wrong way, so just find something you’re comfortable with. what might be 15-20 chapters for you might be just one chapter for someone else. 

as for your actual question lol, this dynamic is a tricky one imo. to make things easier on yourself while you plot this out, i would put the thought of them becoming lovers on the back burner for now. i say this because it’s so easy to skip over the “friends” part of this dynamic and hop straight over into lovers, so just take it one step at a time. how would they go from enemies to friends? there are a million ways to answer this and none of them are wrong. so this is where your personal experience can be such an asset in your writing. how would you become friends with someone you hated? make it personal for you, think about what your actions would be, what the other person would have to do to earn your respect, and that will make your story feel true. your readers will believe it and get invested and feel it, because you’ve made it real. it’s easy to say that one day, completely out of the blue, stu just approaches paul like “listen, i’m tired of fighting and you’re really not that bad. let’s be friends.” and depending on the level of hatred between them, this can come across as just unrealistic and lazy (in any case, it’s just uninteresting). your readers know you’re not being truthful. they know you’re rushing through the hard part just so they can kiss sooner. don’t do that. the great thing about this dynamic is that it’s a perfect slow burn, so milk that shit for all it’s worth. make your readers crave that eventual softness between them, build it so much that by the time paul and stu so much as brush hands, your audience is weeping and rejoicing. 

but anyway, if the personal experience approach doesn’t work for you, here’s a potential jumping off point: they’re part of the same band, so while they may not like each other, they’re still a team at the end of the day. so if someone in the audience is heckling stu during a show, for example, saying they know he can’t play bass and he’s just a waste of space, paul might jump to his defense. he wouldn’t go too far (ie “fuck you!! he’s the best bass player in the whole world and we’re so lucky to have him!!”) but he might very well tell them to fuck off, stu’s doing a better job than they ever could. keep in mind though, depending on the dynamic you set up for them (and the amount of drama you want to add into this), stu might not be entirely grateful for the intervention. he might get pissed off and tell paul he can fend for himself, thank you very much. so getting over that enemies to friends obstacle can be a little difficult, because if they’re too willing to become friends, it will be unrealistic and boring, but if they hate each other so much that neither of them are willing to give, then it’s going to be very, very hard on you to find a realistic solution. you need the perfect combination of circumstance and mood; some sort of catalyst for the beginning of their friendship that happens at a time when they’re open to it. and that’s not something i can just give you, it’s something that needs to spring up naturally within the context of your story. 

i imagine this will probably be the longest part of your fic, since imo the transition from enemies to friends is never really a quick thing. you’re not going to fight someone one day, yell at them and tell them you hate them, only to change your mind the next day and invite them to the movies and tell them your deepest darkest secrets. the change should be gradual (it always depends on the circumstances though; a life or death situation could speed things up, but in general i would say it’s a slow process), so i would break it up into phases. first they’re just enemies, then they develop a grudging respect for each other, followed by finding common ground (maybe they aren’t so different after all), being casual buddies (they can have fun together but it’s not that deep), until they’re finally actual friends. 

so here’s a (VERY VERY BAD DO NOT DO THIS) example of how things could unfold: stu is antagonized during a show, paul defends him, stu tells him he doesn’t need his help, but surprise! the asshole from the audience meets them outside afterward and he’s pissed off and aggressive. paul fights him off with his sweet karate moves, and stu finally has to offer paul his thanks. on the way home, stu is like “i didn’t know you did karate” and paul is like “yeah i’ve been taking lessons since i was five” and stu is like “haha i did too, maybe i shouldn’t have quit.” they let it drop for now and go back to normal, maybe they might catch each other’s eye and smile during shows, but nothing more. except hamburg is rough, they run into drunken sailors and rough crowds all the time, and one day stu shows up with a black eye and while paul isn’t deeply concerned, he’s still a nice guy and can’t sit by while one of his band mates is struggling. so he’s like “you need to learn some self defense tbh” and now he’s giving stu private lessons and they bond. 

i need to get up early tomorrow and it’s late, so i’m going to leave it here for now. writing friends to lovers tends to be easier, since that’s the basis for like 90% of the fics out there, so you should be good to go once you firmly establish their friendship. definitely keep an eye on where you want them to end up so your story doesn’t go off the rails, but one of my biggest pet peeves in enemies-friends-lovers fics is when they’re still enemies and one of them thinks “he has such pretty lips though... wait did i really just think that!? fuck that guy he’s gross!!” so that’s something to be cautious of, and why i suggest putting the lovers idea aside during the beginning stages so little moments like that don’t slip through the cracks. (though it can be interesting if you disguise little thoughts like that, for example, stu thinking “paul and his stupid girly eyebrows god i want to rip them out so i don’t have to look at them anymore,” only for them to be something he really loves about paul later. remember: love and hate stimulate the same parts of the brain, so you can really have some fun with this duality.) 

anyway! i hope this helps. i’m always open to asks like this, so let me know if you need anything else. but always keep in mind that there’s no right or wrong way to go about this. you can totally disregard everything i’ve said and still write an awesome fic. just focus on the unique story you want to tell, and the rest will come naturally.