#anyways late night sad posting over give it up for day 6 of absolutely nothing 💀

[astragatwo]

BTW, if you've ever said anything nice to me or left a comment on my art in any manner — whether in tags or in an ask — that I remember, and it's one of few things keeping me somewhat sane and not a dumpster fire of emotions right now. Genuinely, thank you — I don't know how to express how much it means to me.

[phantomwarrior12]

Old Wounds

How long has it been since she's been home?

Lord Shaxx watches as the Young Wolf materializes mid-stride, her ship battered from the floating wreckage of the Glykon. A rifle he hadn't seen before slung across her shoulders doesn't go unnoticed and the Warlord smiles behind his helmet.

Of course she'd return with a new gun - what actually surprises him is that her vault can still hold the litany of weaponry she's recovered over the years. His amusement ebbs after a moment, gaze drifting along her frame for any semblance of damage as the Young Wolf pauses beside the Tower's chief mechanic. As she allows her Ghost to relay the extensive damage to Holliday, Shaxx takes note of a few singe marks that hadn't been there before, a few new dings to her armor. Altogether, she seems fine - humoring the playful chiding from the mechanic before she finally turns to face him. The air around them shifts, sparking with Arc and Solar Light as their eyes connect.

How long had it been since she's been home?

He strides toward her and he swears it's relief that washes over her frame. She moves - albeit slower - toward him. She must be exhausted. All the more reason for Shaxx to scoop her up in his arms, her smaller frame weighing next to nothing for the Titan.

"Welcome home, Guardian," he says softly, clinking his helmet gently against hers.

Her only response is wrapping her arm around his neck and clinging to him. It's then that he realizes her Ghost had transmatted the weapon from her back and he is grateful for its foresight.

Over her head, Shaxx notes the nod of approval from Holliday, a genuine smile tugging at the corner of her mouth before she turns and sets to work on identifying which part of the list Ghost had given her warranted the most attention.

"Time for bed, I think," he chuckles and he can see more than feel the shift of her hood against his chin. She'd nodded, of that he is certain. Sometimes he wishes she'd speak, utter a single word of confirmation here and there. But he understands why she doesn't. Ever since Cayde-6, she...well, words are sparse. He does miss the sound of her voice - it's been so long since he's heard it. Even before Cayde's death, she hadn't spoken often, but it was often enough when they were alone.

Many things have changed since then, the Young Wolf, especially.

But there is a constant in all of this. Something he has no doubts of even after all this time. Something he clings to: her feelings for him. They are apparent in every interaction; every touch, every kiss, she cares for him deeply and that is all the Titan requires. He can survive without her words because her actions, her touch, every subtle movement of her lean frame tells him the same: she loves him and that has not changed.

It doesn't take long before he's carried her back to his quarters, setting her down and she gives him an appreciative pat on the chest. He watches her move off to go shower away the spore residue and Hive fluid while the Titan gets changed for bed. His helmet is set on the desk in the corner of the room before shutting off the light and sliding beneath the blankets just as the water shuts off.

He listens to the rustling from the bathroom before the door slides open and he looks over. With the moonlight streaming into the room, he can make out an oversized tshirt - that is no doubt from his top drawer - hanging over her frame like dress. His eyes follow her as she deposits her helmet beside his on the desk. Her back is to him and yet, he can see her head is turned toward the window that faces the hanger.

He knows where her thoughts lie on nights like these. Post-missions are always the most difficult. She'd grown used to giving reports directly to Cayde. They'd been close friends after all, and dare the Titan suggest, like family. Without him, there's a void in her heart, like a key piece of who she'd been is gone.

But then again, she tries to suppress it. Tries to power through because it's what he would've wanted. There's so much Shaxx wishes she'd tell him, starting with what it is he can do to ease that ache. Vengeance had only done so much - in fact, the only time the Warlord had been even remotely wary of the Young Wolf was the night she brought Cayde's body back to the Tower.

The chasm in her eyes, the silent determination. It wasn't the Young Wolf he'd fallen in love with and what came back still has a tendency to toe that darkened line. But she holds on, if not for him, then for Cayde.

It's then that he realizes how long it's been. A matter of minutes at most, but it feels like an eternity. At last, he finds his words, lifting the blankets as he does so. "Come to bed, dearest."

She jolts as if he'd broken a trance and she pivots. Soft rays of moonlight cast across her features and the sadness she's trying so damned hard to conceal glints in emerald eyes.

"Come on," he beckons softly and she shuffles slowly across the small room toward the bed. Usually it's only a few strides and she's there but there's a reluctance to her gait. Slow and measured and meandering all at once.

It's unlike her.

Perhaps some discussion of her mission will calm her, give her the sense of giving a report to someone she trusts deeply without actually having to do so. Or perhaps it will simply give him some insight into what jarred her on that mission.

"Your ship looks to have been damaged." He begins awkwardly, his eyes watching her every movement.

She manages a slight shrug and a vague gesture of the hand to signify dismissal.

"I suppose it was a wreckage, that's to be expected."

She nods her agreement as she climbs onto the massive mattress and slips beneath the covers he'd held up for her. But she doesn't move close to him like she usually does, just lays on her back, eyes trained on the ceiling above her.

What had gone through her mind in that shower that caused such a stark contrast from the hanger?

Lord Shaxx lays down beside her, resting on his side. "What are you thinking about?"

She shrugs again, tugging the blankets up to her chin.

"You can talk to me, my little Hunter. I'm right here," he props himself up on his elbow, studying her intently.

She appears to hesitate, take a deep breath as her eyes flicker to and fro on the ceiling before she can finally find the words.

"Found the Guardian onboard. Torn to pieces, strung up." She says softly.

"That must have been a gruesome sight." He rests his hand over her forearm beneath the blankets. He can feel the tremor of her muscles beneath his fingers, feel the subtle flare of solar energy cascading against calloused skin. She's barely keeping it together and now he needs to know why.

She nods after a moment.

"...there was something else, wasn't there?" He pries softly.

She shakes her head, gathering herself to speak. "No, just - I was too late. Always too late, Shaxx. I couldn't save him like I couldn't save--" she trails off and he can see the tears gathering at the corners of her eyes.

So, there was more to it.

He shifts closer, slowly leaning his head down to press a kiss to her forehead, "I know. I know it feels that way. But you made it in time to save Osiris and Crow. You aren't always too late--"

She looks up at him for the first time. She doesn't believe a word he's just said, he can see it in her eyes. But there's something else, relief, perhaps? Appreciation? No. It's tired but acknowledging all at once. She gets his point but doesn't believe it in that moment.

It's a look he rarely sees, especially from her.

There is nothing he can say to correct that voice in her head - nothing she'll believe anyway. So, he settles for the only thing he knows will bring her comfort: cuddles.

He gathers her against him; strong, solid arms wound tight around her small frame as he holds her close. "It'll be alright," he assures her softly and she clings to him. He can feel her nails digging into his shoulders, the pain dull but there - he doesn't say anything. She breaks down and still, he holds her. Waves of solar energy cascade in soft waves against his frame and still, he holds her.

What she saw took her back to that fateful day in the Prison of Elders. Of that, he is certain. The powerless feeling must have been overwhelming and he wonders for a moment if the slow gait in the hanger hadn't been exhaustion, but grief. Now that he thinks back, she had seemed to stare past Holliday, not responding when the mechanic had looked toward her.

It doesn't matter now.

She's begun to drift off in his arms, sniffling softly as her forehead rests against his chest and there is no Light washing over him. Sleep will do her good, just as those tears had done the same. She's a long way from recovering entirely, but this is a step. She's reopened an old wound and perhaps - perhaps this time she'll face those demons rather than suppress them.

Perhaps she'll speak again, maybe even smile that playful grin he hasn't seen in three years. He can hope but he knows one thing with absolute certainty: he will be at her side through all of this.

The Crucible doesn't have time to consider loss. The only way is forward. But, perhaps, just this one time - loss must be the focus.

For her sake.

--------------

Forevers: @halo-2 @reaped-winnower @genken64 @sugarcoated44 @cayde-6 Shaxx's Guardians: @ataraxia101 @squirrel-stars @rain-wolfe

[terminalchaos]

Hiya!

I thought for my second post, I’d do a bit about my symptoms and what lead me to getting my diagnosis. Obviously it’s different for everyone, and I got extremely lucky. So bare that in mind! Warning: I get a bit sweary in this one. I have a lot of feelings about it.

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The city I live in, Melbourne, is officially the most locked-down city in the world in relation to COVID-19. After what has been a fucking exhausting few years, we are well and truly over it at this point. But what I didn’t realise going into the first lockdown (last year at some point) was how much I would suffer, and how badly this whole crock of absolute bullshite would affect me. 

Last year in the first lockdown, I was a full-time university student, working as a medical transcriber and at an acting studio, facilitating workshops with directors, casting directors, etc. This was fine for about 2 weeks. Then everything started to fall apart, very slowly. I stopped going to my lectures and my tutorials. I started asking for extensions, more and more often. I had always been a last-minute student, starting essays on the day they were due, with about 3-5 hours set aside to sit and do the whole thing. Throughout school I do not think I did a single bit of homework on time, unless it was something I genuinely wanted to do. I often just didn’t do it, copped a detention, and moved on with my life. 

This is extremely aggravating to me now, seeing that I was around hundreds of educated adults, and. Not. A. Single. Fucking. One. Either knew I was displaying symptoms of ADHD, or cared enough to try and help me. I don’t know what’s worse. It was simply punish the bad student, who never did their homework, and never studied, and never revised, and always forgot the in-class tests, and always struggled with remembering things. So, I adjusted. I still never did my homework, but I stopped caring about classes. I was rude to teachers who were rude to me, and would snap back at any teacher who didn’t show me the same respect they expected from me.

I was so, so angry.

It was completely unfair. I didn’t know why I was the only person who couldn’t do these basic things, like getting my planner signed after every week. So I resorted back to the things society told me I was: stupid, incompetent, lazy. That lead to a not great mindset, which lasted from the ages of about 13-20. I still struggle with a lot of these things, but in different contexts.

Anyway, the ways I coped at school started to fall apart at university. And they really fell apart with lockdown. Being in my house for 23 hours a day, with incredibly stringent rules, meant my ADHD just pent up. I couldn’t do anything. Not even things I wanted to do, and the pressure of deadlines weren’t enough to prod my brain into action. I just couldn’t do anything.

I figured this wasn’t normal, and one day I saw a post on ADHD in AFAB people. I read through it, and it resonated with me. Odd, I don’t have excess energy. In fact, I would oversleep constantly. Often, 12 hours a night wasn’t enough for me, and I would fall asleep at 2am. Caffeine would put me to sleep! My partner at the time would be on my back about how much I slept, constantly. He didn’t understand my ADHD presentation, which is reasonable, because I didn’t either. He would get irritated because the second I got any money, I wouldn’t save it. I’d buy things. I’d constantly put on weight because I would buy sugary snacks whenever I could. I would say yes to anything that would give me a second of joy.

When you have ADHD, your dopamine is running on empty. So everything you do is to try and boost your dopamine. It leads to a lot of behaviours that people see as irresponsible and reckless, because they can be. But it’s because our brains are screaming out for dopamine hits, however big, however long lasting. Now I know this, and can stop myself before doing these dopamine-seeking behaviours (the medications obviously help).

Reading this post about ADHD, I didn’t immediately do a deep-dive of research. I forgot about it for a while. I remembered my mum telling me when I was young that I “probably had some form of ADD, or something like that” after I spilled my guts about something that had been on my mind. I would start talking, and not stop. More and more of these little pieces started clicking. Then, I started doing actual research. I can’t remember details because, y’know, ADHD. But these symptoms started making sense. Not being able to control my impulses? Check. I am obscenely impulsive. Not being able to keep relationships? Check. Half of my friends from school in England I wanted to keep in contact with, I had completely deserted. Memory issues, not being able to keep a routine, missing deadlines, having slightly “kooky” interests, hyperfocusing, the paralysis I would feel when there were so many things to do, and I just sat in bed for 6 hours doing nothing, not eating.

I sat and cried on my partner’s bed while he comforted me. I cried over the fact I had an answer. I wasn’t stupid. I wasn’t lazy. 

From there, I pursued a diagnosis. This was tricky: I tried three different clinics (one of which lost my referral 4 times! Shout out Alfred Road Clinic lol), and emailed different ADHD psychiatrists like crazy. I got no responses.

6 months after my initial referral, I cried to my family about how frustrating it was, knowing what was wrong with me, knowing there was treatment, but not being able to access it. Imagine how frustrating it is not being able to do anything, knowing there is a way to help, but not having access to it.

Eventually, a few strings were tugged, and I got an appointment in June 2021. July 2021, I was put on Vyvanse 30mg by my psychiatrist.

The first day I took my medication, I sat and did my Korean homework for 2 hours. Then, I sat and cried. I have never concentrated for 2 hours on demand like that.

I was furious, relieved, and incredibly sad for the 23 years I had lost, feeling like my body and mind were two separate entities. Having all these things I wanted to achieve, and achieving none. I learnt so many things were coping mechanisms I used to balance my ADHD brain: trying to be early as possible to avoid being late. Notes on my phone reminding me of everything I need to do. Double checking things three, four times.

All these things I wanted to try, and having tried none. Not being able to exercise as it made me sleepy and I never felt the benefits. Finding certain things unbearable for no reason. Getting in trouble for stupid things just because I couldn’t convince myself the dopamine payoff would be worth it. Having built nearly no skills as a young person because I had no direction. This was compounded by my want to achieve, but feeling that I couldn’t do anything, because this invisible barrier kept me in a snowglobe of my own shame and frustration. All because my stupid fucking brain was too busy trying to get hits of dopamine whenever and wherever it could. 

I thought about how my A Level results would have been different if any of the adults in my life had clocked this when I was 13.

I thought about the things I could have achieved if anyone had thought to investigate just a little further.

I still cry about these things. The me that was prevented from living by ADHD taunts me from another dimension. Cow.

I needed to start to get to know myself without the dopamine addict brain. What I want to achieve, what was now possible, and how to avoid feeling like I will never achieve anything I want to. My main goal is to start having 3 meals a day, something I have never, ever been able to sustainably do. I’m still working on this.

[faes-land]

I Think There’s Something You Should Know-Shinwon

So this year my best friend got me into Pentagon and WOW AM I SO GLAD I LISTENED TO HER. My bias is Yuto, but ever since I found out that Shinwon also likes The 1975 I started to become mildly obsessed with him....>.> Anyway here’s a little fluff I wrote for him while listening to The 1975 on shuffle mode. ALSO POSTING THIS TO CELEBRATE THEIR FIRST WIN!!!!!

Pairings: Shinwon X Female Reader

Genre: Fluff

Word Count: 1,554

Warnings: None, just really cute. Some hinted smut I guess?

~~~~~~

If someone said to you a few months ago that you’d be laying naked next to Shinwon you’d laugh in their face. He was your friend, you never thought of him as anything more. Yet here you were, and you couldn’t be happier. 

You used to have a crush on your good friend, but you quickly got over it because when you met him, he had a girlfriend. You kept your feelings to yourself and they slowly disappeared as time went on. But now you had him and you wondered what you did in a past life to get so lucky. 

He looked so cute while he slept; his features were soft and you just wanted to kiss him. You didn’t want to disturb him so you let him sleep. You’ll get plenty of kisses once he wakes up since he loved to kiss you. As he showed you many times last night. 

~~~

“Hey, Y/N, do you want to hang out later?” Your friend Shinwon had asked you over the phone. You hadn’t seen him in a few weeks because you were so busy with work. You hated not having a social life, but you were very fortunate to have the job that you had. Even if it kept you from all your friends. 

“Yes! I would love that, Shinwon. I miss you.” It was true, you did miss him. He was always so fun to be around (even if he did get on your nerves sometimes), and he knew just how to cheer you up when you were sad. 

“Okay! I can come over and bring movies and food. I know you’re probably exhausted from work.” He knew you so well. 

“That sounds great, Shinwon. Is 7 okay? I have some stuff to finish up at the office and I won’t be home until about 6.” 

“Of course. See you then, Y/N.” Then you both hung up and went about your days. You couldn’t wait to see Shinwon; his sweet smile, shaggy brown hair and tall frame. To say you were attracted to him was an understatement. Of course, when you first met him you just thought he was cute. Once you got to know him, he soon became the most handsome man you’d ever seen. 

You could only imagine what it would be like to kiss his pillowy lips, feel his broad shoulders, and cuddle up into him. He seemed like the perfect cuddle buddy. There were times where you fell asleep on him, but it was never on purpose. You could be watching a movie or a t.v. show and you’d doze off next to him or on his chest thinking he was a pillow. You never knew this, but Shinwon absolutely loved whenever you fell asleep on him. 

You sighed to yourself at your desk, not realizing you were daydreaming about your friend again. You had to stop, you had work to do. You’ll see Shinwon later and maybe, just maybe, you’ll tell him how you feel. 

After work, you quickly rushed home since you weren’t able to leave your office until 6:45. Right when you were prepared to leave, your boss had one last project for you to do. Of course, the day you had plans, this happened. On your way back, you hit every red light on your route. Was someone playing a joke on you? Why was this happening? 

When you finally made it home, the little clock on your car read 7:05. Shit. You pulled your phone out of your purse to see a text message from Shinwon. “I’m here.” Normally you wouldn’t care if you were a little late, but tonight felt different for some reason. 

Once you reached your door, you saw Shinwon standing in front of it, checking his phone; he picked up your favorite chicken spot for you guys to eat. You practically gasped seeing him. He just looked like himself, but you loved it. He was wearing a black and white bomber jacket, a white t-shirt, blue jeans, and black converse.

“Hey, Shinwon. I’m so sorry I’m late!” You said, taking him away from his phone. 

He smiled at you and moved towards you to give you a hug. “It’s okay. Did something happen at work?” 

You held him close and sighed. “Yeah, I’ll explain everything later. Let’s go inside.” You pulled away from him to grab your keys from your purse and open your door. Once you two were inside, you took off your shoes and set your stuff down. He put the food on your little dining table and sat down. You joined him to eat. He ordered your favorite; he knew you needed it. 

As you two ate, you told him about your day, how your boss sucks and how you wished you had more free time. You were so happy it was Friday so that you could do nothing for the next two days. And hopefully, spend these two days with Shinwon. 

When you finished eating and talking, he cleaned up for you two and then he said, “So I didn’t bring any movies because I found a horror movie on Netflix earlier and then a comedy if it’s too scary.” 

You giggled. “Too scary for you you mean. I can handle it.” 

He pretended to be hurt and he pouted at you. “Just because I screamed that one time doesn’t mean I’m scared of every horror movie, Y/N.”

You giggled remembering the time you watched a slasher flick that was stupid, but the one jumpscare at the end was what Shinwon screamed at. “I know, but it was funny.” You stuck your tongue out at your friend as you headed towards your bedroom. “I’m gonna get changed; I need to get out of my work clothes.” 

He nodded and smiled at you. “Okay, I’ll get the movie started.” His smile was sweet and you felt your heart flutter. What was he so damn cute for? You sighed in content as you went into your closet and found your favorite 1975 T-shirt and a pair of shorts. You’d known Shinwon for so long that you could be comfortable around him. And your work clothes were not something you wanted to wear at home. 

When you walked back out to your living room, you found Shinwon on your couch with random candy and chips on the coffee table. You chuckled to yourself knowing that he went through your cabinets and grabbed every snack he could find. 

Shinwon was so cute sitting on your couch with your PlayStation controller in his hand and looking for whatever movie he found on Netflix. How did you get so lucky to have a friend like him? You’d be even luckier if he were your boyfriend. 

You quickly joined him on the couch and reached for your favorite chips: salt and vinegar. 

“How can you eat those?” Shinwon asked you. “They’re too sour.” He scrunched his face and you laughed at him. 

“They’re delicious. Your taste buds just suck.” 

He rolled his eyes at you. “Whatever, let’s watch this movie.” 

Two movies and many snacks later, you and Shinwon were awfully close on the couch. Of course, this was normal between you two, but usually, you or he was asleep. This was the first time you were actually nervous to be this close to him. He didn’t seem too phased by your closeness though, it looked like he was enjoying it?

You looked up at him and you felt your stomach fill up with butterflies. Shinwon had always been this handsome, you just told yourself that he wasn’t so you wouldn’t fall for him. But here you are, longingly looking at your best friend as he checked his phone. 

“Can I help you, Y/N?” Shinwon asked when he noticed you were staring at him. 

You couldn’t say anything to him in fear that you’d say something stupid. What you did next was also stupid, but it was something you’d been waiting to do for a long time. You looked at Shinwon before leaning over and placing your lips on his. His lips were so soft and sweet, you wished you’d done this sooner. 

Your boldness surprised Shinwon, but he soon placed his hand on your hip to pull you closer to him. The way this kiss felt, it made you wonder why you waited so long to do this. 

You reluctantly pulled away from Shinwon’s soft lips and you looked into his sweet eyes. “I love you,” you blurted out. “And I have for a long time.” 

Your confession didn’t phase Shinwon; instead, it made him very happy. “I love you too, I just never had the courage to say anything. I feel stupid now.” He chuckled. 

You giggled at his words and pulled him in for another kiss, which soon turned into something more heated. Before you knew it, Shinwon was taking you into your bedroom where finally he made you his.

~~~

You still couldn’t believe that you had him next to you in your bed; it only took three years. Shinwon had his arms around you and your face was nuzzled into his chest. You looked up at his features and gave him a soft kiss on his nose before going back to sleep.

[apathycarestostudy]

Things Every 20+ y/o Should Start Doing (if you haven't) - unedited and unfiltered.

Twenty is a magical age. I don't know why it's not said as often as it should be, but truly, I feel like it's as just a turning point as 30 or 40 is. This is when you struggle the most to come to terms with yourself, or deliberately say you have. This is when you're becoming "conscious" as I like to think to the world — whatever the world means to you.

So, in lieu of hitting 21 a couple of months ago, I've decided to compile a list of things I believe every twenty and more year old should try. If they haven't already, of course.

1. Journaling

I've always been apprehensive of keeping a record of all my thoughts and woes as I thought that would be (a) used against me if found and/or (b) be an admission that I feel some type of way about something. Both of these concerns are damn childish and I'm glad I kinda got over it now that I'm journaling regularly, but I still hold back a little unfortunately. Well. The point of this is that 20 is an awakening that's worth journaling about, even if you have nothing going on. Write letters to your future self, to your families and friends and that one asshole you hate and the shoes you're wearing and —

Also, I always thought I didn't feel any type of way about things until I started journaling and realized I do. Yikes. You might want to make like me and face them now.

2. Learn something new everyday

Did you know that the heart of a shrimp is located in its head?

Life is unfair. There’ll be times when you feel this in all its potency. But just know this - everything can be taken from you, sans your knowledge. Overrated, a little debatable (because, mental illnesses), but it’s a neat standard to have. Plus, if you’re not well adverse in maintaining conversation, or you’re in a tight spot, spouting a random fact would help lighten the mood.

3. Pause your indignation

We’re in the age of getting mad, triggered, attacked, whatever else and that’s sad and unhealthy as all hell. What happened to being cool? To giving people the benefit of the doubt? Are we so fragile now that anything could throw us into our feelings regardless of whether it’s valid or not? 

Okay, you were wronged. You are absolutely entitled to how you feel about it too. But you know what you can control? Your reaction. Your response. How you carry yourself and the way you go about it is what matters. It won’t feel as good in the beginning when you can’t bust someone up (or yourself), but you’ll be proud of yourself. You successfully refused to relinquish a piece of yourself. 

4. Decide what standards you won’t breach

This goes hand-in-hand with the last point, but isn’t entirely the same. If your standard is to always respect everyone, you can’t be late when you gotta meet them because that constitutes disrespect. You don’t tolerate something, don’t engage in it. Draw the fine lines and stay within them. Whatever your code of honor is, you have to stay true to them no matter the situation you’re put in. 

P.s. let it be something righteous, self and community loving, positive. This is not a plea for unreasonable stubbornness.

5. Watch something you wouldn’t normally watch

This is an interesting one. I remember as a teenager, I’d proudly declare what genres I’d never cross over to and what was beneath me, with absolutely no sound reasoning behind it. It was a baseless generalization of what’s cool and what wasn’t in my eyes. Let me tell you, some of the things I claimed wasn’t my cup of tea became my bottle of water (☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞☜(ﾟヮﾟ☜)(☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞

Hah.

Well, I didn’t come upon this epiphany by myself. My siblings put on a show I’d never be caught dead watching and by the end of it, then I got the epiphany. Now, whatever random video I run into on YT, any show that someone suggests that isn’t what I’m into, a documentary about something outside of my faith I’ll watch. It not only polishes your tastes, it broadens your horizons.

6. Learn to let go

7. Pick your role models wisely

This is insanely important at this age. You don’t want to realize too late that your aspirations didn’t become anything meaningful because of the people around you. Who do you look up to? What traits of theirs do you want to integrate into your being? What do they do that you’d like to do some day? If the people you look up to do not fall into any of these things, I strongly suggest you don’t invest any more time into them. I don’t mean cut off your toxic parents or anything life altering like that, I mean ignore the things that don’t fuel your goals. I’m not saying you pick someone and mimic everything they do, I mean critically choose what lessons you’ll take from them.

Be weary of the people you follow. Don’t follow blindly. 

8. Rekindle an old hobby

I used to read a whole book in a day. At the most, I’d stretch it out to a week, but nothing more. It was a glorious time in my life where I just got into anime, steam rolling through seasons, then writing fanficition, wasting sleeping time to write more and post several times in one night, not to mention playing flash games but now I barely do any of that anymore. I keep buying more books and not much of it are getting read. I keep typing drafts that I never publish. I scroll through anime lists before closing the tab, fruitless. 

You must have had a fun hobby when you were younger. Why not slot in a time to try it again? You may be lucky enough to reignite that passion. It’s worth a shot in the race to feeling good the right way.

9. Follow the world news

At this point, there’s no avoiding it because of the current climate. But anyways, it’s important to know what’s going on over yonder because it not only feeds your intellect, it keeps you cultured and it humbles you in a way I can’t describe. It also opens a new conversation topic for you, and as someone who wasn’t into dipping into ANY type of news, it reduces the amount of side eyes you get from people who do. It didn’t bother me before, but again, when one of my siblings kept announcing the news to us everyday, I woke up early and skimmed through google news and just waited until he rolled in the room. His face fell when I started reciting the recent headlines and I’ve never looked back since. 

P.p.s I do not mean entertainment news. Indulge in that if you like it of course, but please, cast your lovely gaze on world news as well.

10. Try and make more friends

I know. I practically hiss at people who approach me. I wasn’t always like this, but circumstance and people’s audacity brutally murdered me every time I reached out. It’s not like I’m antisocial - I’m always kind and accommodating to anyone who comes my way, but I stopped putting myself out there completely. 

I can’t tell you to change and start talking to people, I’m saying to give the newcomers a chance. Don’t treat everyone the same way because that’s not fair and you might lose the opportunity to have another friend. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m stilling hissing at the assholes who forgot how to act right.

P.p.p.s Real life friends. Online friends are just as precious, but it’s healthy to have joy close by as well.

And that’s about as much as I can think of at the top of my head. There are many life lessons I’ve had the privilege to learn, and many more that have yet to come, and so have you. Here’s to our collective success and happiness, our failures and sadness, and all the pointless shit in between. 20s is a ride that doesn’t have to just be full of holes and mistakes and regrets. I really wish people would stop saying it will be and decide for me.

[jinmukangwrites]

Vulnerable

Batfamweek2020 Day 6 / Fluff / @official-batfam-week​

Summary: Jason finds a little intruder in one of his safe houses. He tries to convince himself he doesn’t care until he finds out he really, really cares. 

Yeah I know this is two days late. Listen, time is relative and the week isn’t over until I say it’s over. Also yes, the prompt is fluff and this seems to be mostly angst, but there’s cuddles at the end which is about as fluffy as you guys can get out of me.

AO3

-o-o-o-o-

When Jason entered his safe house, he honestly wasn’t expecting anything to be amiss or out of place, yet here he is, walking up to the run down apartment squished between some Chinese takeout shop and a weird voodoo shop just to see the front door slightly ajar.

On instant high alert, Jason grabs at the gun on his hip and considers digging out a domino mask to hide his identity. He’s in street clothes, a civilian if you will. He’s just gotten back from grocery shopping to fill up his various houses with a resupply of food storage. He’s not really in the mood to fight anyone, and for all he knows whoever is inside his safe house could just be a squatter.

Though, no typical squatter can bypass his security measures. Whoever is here is competent enough to discharge his surplus of alarms and boobytraps.

And besides, whoever went through the trouble of breaking and entering into his safe house wouldn’t be there for Red Hood. They’re here for Jason.

He slowly places his bags of canned goods and such onto the ground and pulls his gun out so it’s held out in front of him. He stalks towards the door and takes a calming breath, not wanting to think about who could possibly be in there but also thinking of the worst case scenario.

Maybe just a smart squatter. Could be the Joker. Maybe Bruce. Jason doesn’t if Bruce falls in the good or bad category, but Jason swears to god if he barges in there and it’s just that stupid bastard Jason will categorize him as the absolute worst and might just shoot the jerk-face anyway.

Jason kicks the door open hard enough to make it’s hinges squeal in protest. His gaze instantly locks on a figure sitting on his moth eaten sofa he placed in front of a display TV that he took from the local Walmart.

What? It was “broken” and they were going to throw it away even though he could easily fix it. No harm no foul.

The figure on his sofa looks up from a phone in their hands with a glare, and Jason lowers his gun with a scoff and returns the narrowed eyes with his own.

“What the heck are you doing here, tater-tot?” He demands.

“Tt,” Damian rolls his eyes and returns to his phone, Jason leans his head forward a little to see what the brat is doing on it and it looks to be... that Animal Crossing app. Huh. “It’s none of your business, Todd.”

Jason scoffs, putting his gun back in his holster. “This is my safe house, to which the door you left open. It’s every ounce of my business.”

“Fine,” Damian snarls, standing up abruptly and shoving his phone inside his jacket pocket. “I’ll leave then.”

Jason has to fight to not make any of his utter bafflement physical as he makes a grab for the kid’s arm before he can retreat through the door. “Oh no you don’t. You’re not leaving until I get a straight answer out of ya-“

Damian jerks his arm violently and Jason just manages to keep a grasp on him. “Unhand me, you imbecile!”

“Ah, nah,” Jason retorts, grabbing his other arm as Damian goes to throw a punch. Damian squirms and Jason fights off a sigh as he has to kneel down and hold the brat in an almost white knuckled grasp so he doesn’t escape. He really hopes no one steals his groceries while it’s just sitting out there ripe for the taking. “You broke into my house, you can leave and go throw a tantrum somewhere else after this, I could seriously care less, but if I have to tie you to a chair and play Justin Bieber until you talk I will.”

Damian shoots Jason a look of pure loathing before he glares at his shoes, no longer struggling but still looking like he’ll dart for the nearest exit the moment Jason lowers his guard. “It’s nothing. I shouldn’t have come here. Let me go.” A second. Then a small: “Please.”

“Okay,” Jason says, and if he didn’t have both his hands keeping Damian still, he would be rubbing the bridge of his nose. Where’s the golden boy when you need him? “Okay, something is clearly up with you. What’s up? Did Titus poo on your bed? Break an expensive pot? Accidentally kill someone-?”

“I don’t kill,” Damian snarls suddenly, and the ferocity of the statement has Jason blinking in shock. Damian is refusing to look up now, eyes blinking quicker than normal. “I don’t. Not anymore. I don’t.”

Jason narrows his eyes and gets down on his knees to become level with the little midget. “Kid. Talk to me. What’s going on?”

Damian sniffs, uses his shoulders to rub at his eyes, and there’s a suspicious glint in his green irises that has Jason suddenly feel a rush of panic. Oh heck nah. This is Goldilocks’ problem. Jason should have just let the kid go. Yeah, he asked what was bothering him but the last thing he expected were tears. However, Damian looks just as shocked with himself as Jason is and quickly bites his lip.

“Can I stay the night?” Damian asks suddenly, throwing another red flag up in Jason’s mind. Whatever is going on, Damian doesn’t want to go home where his daddy-dearest and perfect oldest brother are probably waiting for him in a panic. He know’s Dickhead is in town. He posted a picture of Alfred the Cat on his Instagram just a few hours ago, saying it felt good to be home.

Jason is almost tempted to grab the brat and stuff him a duffel, lock the zippers with a cable tie and drop him at the front gates for Alfred to find, just so he doesn’t have to deal with this, but then he studies the kid for a moment, seeing a vulnerability in him that he can’t say he’s ever seen before. He sighs.

“Fine. Don’t explain. Go to the couch and play your cute game thing. I’ll be back.”

Damian gives him an unimpressed glare. “It’s not a cute game.”

“I know what Animal Crossing is, sweetie-pie,” Jason says back, ruffling the younger’s hair and biting back a chuckle that tries to escape his throat as Damian tries to whack at his hand. “It’s a cute game.”

Jason watches Damian retreat back to the sofa, but this time the brat puts in some earbuds and curls up between the arm and the back of the couch, bringing his knees to his chest and his hoodie over his head. Jason has to gather all his will power to not roll his eyes as he stands up and goes out to grab his—thankfully untouched—groceries.

He walks in and begins to take everything out of the bags. He watches Damian out of the corner of his eyes as he does so, but the brat doesn’t move. Just flicks his finger over the screen, perhaps trying to catch a fish or something. He doesn’t dwell on it though, thinking about the tears that had threatened to fall a moment ago. They could have been a trick, a way for Damian to get Jason off his back because it would undoubtedly make Jason too uncomfortable to push more, but at the same time he knows Damian is awful at fake crying. He has a lot of pride stuffed in that little body.

He shakes his head and begins to sort the cans for storage, leaving a few out for dinner he guesses. He was planning on just going to the Batburger—because the Chinese restaurant next door gave him a night in the bathroom to remember the last time he ate there—and grabbing something filled with carbs, but now that the little bat-brat is here that’s sort of thrown out the window. He’s still hungry though.

Lets see, he has a can of sloppy joe, some buns in the pantry that are hopefully not moldy yet, and some mixed vegetables. Easy.

He begins to pull out various pots and pans to begin the last second dinner. It doesn’t take long for the meat to start sizzling while the vegetables just barely begin to warm. He sets a pan lid over the meat and lets it simmer as he goes to grab the buns and some American cheese slices. He eyes Damian as he does so, noting how the kid hasn’t moved since Jason had told him he could stay.

Whatever. It’s not his problem. He’s not worried about the tyke at all...

When everything is finally heated and warm it suddenly occurs to him that Dick has mentioned here and there that Damian was actually vegetarian. Jason curses and opens the fridge, looking for anything that’s leafy and green. Thankfully, he manages to scrape together a sad amount of green lettuce and half a tomato. He sniffs a bottle of ranch and looks at it’s expiration date and wrinkles his nose. He’ll let Damian choose if he wants ranch or not. He grabs two plastic plates and places his own Joe with cheese down on one plate and scoops out a helping of corn, peas, and carrots while he makes a terribly depressed salad on the other. He sighs and adds double the helping of vegetables onto Damain’s plate. If only he had shredded cheese or croutons or even garbanzo beans...

He plops himself down next to the kid and clears his throat, placing Damian’s sad sad meal down on the coffee table with his bottle of devious ranch and then digs into his sloppy joe, grabbing a remote to turn on the TV to something probably boring and dumb.

He watches as Damian wrinkles his nose slightly at his meal, and Jason almost prepares himself to snap that he did his best, but Damian surprises him and takes the plate into his lap. He takes out his earbuds and clicks his phone off, shifting so he can see the TV better.

Thankfully Jason manages to find a channel that’s replaying Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire so the silence between the two of them isn’t as awkward as it could be. Damian picks at his browning salad and makes a move to communicate.

They watch the movie in silence, and Jason finds himself not being able to actually concentrate as his mind keeps wondering what could be up with Damian.

-o-o-o-o-

“Alrighty,” Jason says, clapping his hands together as the movie credits begin to roll. “Goodnight.”

Damian doesn’t say anything as Jason gets up and gathers the paper plates to throw them away. Jason is determined to just go to bed and not deal with any of this in the morning. Sure, he should go out as Hood and take down some gangs, but Damian doesn’t appear to have his costume—let alone a change of clothes—with him and there’s no way Jason is leaving him here alone.

He should just call Dick. Call him and he’d gladly drop everything he’s doing to take the kid away. However, he can’t help but feel a sense of unity when he notices Damain’s phone ding with a little text notification and Damian quickly sliding it away, not even reading it.

Besides, Jason said he could stay the night. What kind of person would he be if he couldn’t make good on his word? He’s an ex-killer not a complete jackass.

He retreats to his room, releasing a sigh and shutting the door. It’s a small house, nothing but a living room, kitchen, master bedroom, and bathroom. Damian will have to sleep on the couch because there’s no way Jason is letting him take his bed. He takes off his shirt and changes into a pair of looser fitting pants as he crawls into the rickety old bed that was discounted at IKEA because someone broke some pieces. The blankets he slips into are thin but many. Well, three. It’s decent enough, he can survive most cold nights with the warmth three thin, threadbare blankets could scrap up.

He closes his eyes, thinking about nothing other than sleep.

He wonders if he has a blanket out there for-

Woah wait. Hold up. Nooope. Go to bed Jason. Go to bed...

Sleep...

It’s a colder night and the living room gets colder than the bedroom...

But it’s warm in his blankets so he won’t worry about it... sleep... sleep sleep sleep...

He peeks his eye open and looks at his phone sitting on the mattress beside his head.

Not even fifteen minutes has passed. He growls and forces his eyes closed, curling his knees so they’re almost touching his chest. Did he lock the door? He’s pretty sure he locked the door. Though, if he didn’t that would mean someone could barge in and the first thing they’d see was a small kid in his day clothes shivering in the cold of the living room with no pillow.

No, he definitely locked the door. He definitely locked it just like how he definitely doesn’t care if a certain demon brat is crashing on his couch in day old clothes with no pillow or blanket.

He opens his eyes, looks at how only a minute has passed and silently curses to himself.

Shit.

He cares.

He throws the blankets off from his body and slips off the side of his bed to his feet. He looks around his room and grabs at one out of two pillows he was using and then tears off one out of three blankets and stomps towards his door, just to stop and growl as he turns around and finds the smallest shirt and sweats he could find.

He barges into the living room and Damian practically jumps from his curled up position on the couch. Jason ignores the subject of his lack of sleep as he goes to the door, grabs the handle, and giggles it to make sure it’s locked.

It’s locked.

He turns heel and Damian is watching him as if he’s grown a second head. Jason ignores the stare and dumps the pile of fabric in his arms onto the kid. Damian squawks but Jason ignores that and storms back to his room, trying to ignore the goosebumps on his arms and chest from the cold of the room and how he’s making a thirteen year old kid sleep out here and- NOPE! He’s not worried about it. He gave him a blanket and pillow and even some of his own clothes. Damian will survive and Jason will sleep.

He hits his pillow, trying not to mourn the girth he’s lost beneath his head because he’s too nice of a guy sometimes, and curls up in his two blankets, fighting off the threat of shivers from going out into the chilly air. He eventually warms up, just like actual sleep begins to lure him, and soon he’s not thinking about much of anything...

...

Was that a sniffle?

His eyes creek open against his will. Time has felt like it moved, and when he glares at his phone to see two hours has passed he curses the gods for making this night as difficult as possible. He’s about to close his eyes again when the something that woke him up that he had almost forgot about sounds again.

A sniff. From the other side of the door. It sounds wet, like it belongs to a runny nose and his eyebrows come together. Yeah it’s cold out in the living room but not that cold. He closes his eyes, blaming dramatics, when the sniffle sounds again, but with something else this time that has Jason practically jumping out of his bed like he’s been electrocuted.

A whimper. That was a whimper.

He creeps towards the door, something heavy in his gut, and places his ear on the thin wood.

He can hear it all clearly now. The sniffles, the tiny choked off whimpers of someone trying to not make too much noise, the panting breaths.

Crying. Someone’s crying on the other side of his door and it’s two in the morning and Jason is all of a sudden thinking about the ignored texts, the silent acceptance of not even sub-par food, the cute distracting animal game, the caught in the headlights look when Jason stormed out earlier, the almost desperate way he asked to crash the night here, the angry outburst the he’s not a killer.

Jason doesn’t care. He doesn’t. This is Dick’s job. Not Jason. Jason is the family black sheep who people avoid unless they want something, and Jason avoids them right back. Dick is the big, caring, older brother while Jason is the distant outcast. Jason doesn’t care if Damian is in his living room crying. He really, truly, awfully, lyingly doesn’t care.

Shit.

He cares.

crying opens his door slowly and the sniffling and whimpering instantly cuts off. The door swings slowly open and Jason is left standing in his doorway watching as Damian wipes furiously at his eyes and glares at the opposite side of the room, curling up and biting his lower lip to perhaps stop it from trembling.

“What do you want, Todd,” Damian snarls, but his voice tremors and Jason has to fight down the panic threatening to escape his throat because he has no clue what to do. Here’s some kid who’s legally his youngest brother who’s swimming in his too big clothes with tear tracks down his cheeks and Jason cannot think of a single thing to do.

What would Dick do? Dick would smile and probably gather the kid up in a hug and say everything will be okay and other soppy comforting crap. Jason runs the scenario out in his head, imagines him trying to approach the kid with open arms to give him a hug. Strangely enough, while he can easily imagine Dick and Damian ending up cuddling or whatever, Jason can only see himself writhing on the floor with a knife between his ribs.

So, the Dick-protocol is out. Jason needs to do something else, and quick.

He grinds his jaw and forces himself to leave the safety of the room. Damian watches him warily as he slowly sits up and backs up to the corner of the sofa, furthest from where Jason is approaching from. Jason gives the kid a side eyed glance before he grabs at the remote and turns on the TV.

Jason isn’t the best with cuddles or comfort, but the least he can do is sit it out and let Damian decide what the next step is, even if Jason has to sit here shirtless in the chilly living room with the TV turned low on some Spanish soap channel for the rest of the night.

Somehow, Damian doesn’t fight that. He just wipes his eyes again, getting rid of most evidence of tear tracks, and then settles into his corner, stubbornly watching the TV.

Forty minutes into the soap marathon, right when someone is revealed to not be the father—gasp—something finally happens.

Damian speaks.

“Do you regret it?” Says a small voice in a whisper. Jason turns his head and he almost has to squint his eyes to make sure he’s seeing things correctly. Damian is valiantly avoiding his gaze, staring straight at the TV. His hands are nervously pulling at the strings of his borrowed sweatpants though, which is a sight Jason never thought he’d see.

“Regret what?” He questions.

Damian worries his lip for a second and something shiny swims in his eyes. Jason remains silent until Damian finally speaks. “Killing those people.”

Finally, Damian looks at Jason and he looks so vulnerable and scared and Jason is pretty sure this is all just some sort of fever dream because what the hell. His brain short circuits and restarts as he tries to gather his thoughts, but suddenly all his thoughts are nothing more than green anger as he hacks through the necks of drug dealers and stuffs heads in duffel bags. Thoughts lined with lividity as he shoots at rapists and murderers and gets blood splattered on his red mask. Thoughts of holding the Joker against his chest, pressing the point of his gun against the psychopaths temple and screaming a choice at Bruce.

The Joker, or him.

He absentmindedly reaches for the scar on his neck; it’s a unique one for the fact it’s not one that he gained in death nor in his autopsy. It’s thin and precise and did just enough damage for Jason to accidentally let go of the Joker and grab at the sharp batarang sticking out from his neck, blood already leaking through his fingers. Proof that Bruce would rather slice his neck than let a mindless murderer continue to breathe. A permanent reminder that Jason isn’t as important as some no-kill-rule. A warning he should never attempt something like that ever again.

He’s been doing better. He hasn’t killed anyone since... since forever. His bullets are not ones made to kill. His aims are not lethal. When he shoots he shoots because he has to, and he’s been forcing himself to use his fists first.

Does he regret it? Does he regret getting so angry and hurt and confused that he killed dozens of people just to get Black Mask angry so he could get to Joker and therefore Batman? Does he regret the blood on his hands? The hours clutching his chest in the shower after the first life he took, scrubbing at his skin so it’s red and raw, repeating over and over and over to himself that this will all be worth it. The days avoiding the freezer where he stored the severed heads until he had all of them because he was afraid he’d puke? The months convincing himself that beating his replacement senseless would be worth it?

Does he regret it?

He clutches the material of his pants with one hand and rubs the length of his scar with his other, taking a deep breath.

“No.”

Damian’s eyes widen slightly in shock, and Jason realizes he was expecting a different answer. He clears his throat, fights the urge to hug himself like he’s raw and vulnerable. An animal on display.

“I don’t regret killing those people. But if I was sent back in time and given the option to redo everything... I wouldn’t have done it.”

“I don’t understand,” Damian says and Jason releases a bitter chuckle.

“I’m a different person now, and back then killing those people I felt was the only thing I could do. I used to... sit and wonder about what I could have done differently, what I could have changed, but I decided it isn’t worth it. I killed those people in cold blood, and if I regret it now then I won't be able to move on. So no, I don’t regret it.”

“Oh.”

There’s a moment of silence and Jason sighs. “Look, I enjoy talking about my past as much as the next guy, but why do you bring it up?“

Damian bites his lip again, and Jason almost worries that sooner or later he’s going to draw blood with his sharp canines, but Damian brings his legs to his chest and stars absentmindedly at the TV as some chick slaps another chick for whatever reason.

“I regret them,” Damian whispers, and Jason decides now would be a wise time to remain silent. “I killed people because my mother and grandfather said it was my birthright too. I was superior and they were worthless. I never... thought anything of it. Until now.” He takes a shaky breath and continues, rubbing his eye with his shoulder. “I promised Grayson I would never kill again, and I’ve always intended to keep that promise for myself if not for him. B-but father doesn’t trust me all the time and it’s hard t-to think that I’m ever going to live up to that promise when he’s constantly telling me how I could have slipped up or how I could have killed... killed somebody a-and it’s been three years since- and why doesn’t he trust me? Why does he always think I’m... I’m gonna...”

He breaks off into a painful sounding sob and Jason watches wide eyed, completely at a loss of what to do. He sits there and watches as Damian explains through sobs that someone died yesterday, a criminal he was chasing. The man accidentally slipped off the docks into the freezing, churning, unforgiving water of Gotham Bay and drowned before Robin could safely get down to him. Batman arrived just as Robin pulled his dead body back onto the docks. Batman tried to resuscitate him, but with no luck.

Robin was benched, blamed for his death, and Nightwing didn’t take his side.

Bruce said he could have reacted faster. Dick chose to try and stay in the middle but ended up just getting Bruce mad at both of them and Damian feeling betrayed.

It’s no wonder Damian ran out and was ignoring every text message sent his way. He feels like his whole world has turned against him. Jason is almost tempted to let the kid stay more than the night.

Somehow, Jason’s managed to scoot closer to the crying kid, and somehow, Damian’s ended up under his arms. Leaning against his chest, crying and letting the warm tears run down his cheeks and against Jason’s skin. It feels personal. It feels open. It feels secret and sacred.

Jason clutches the kid closer, and he doesn’t say a thing because he doesn’t know what to say quite yet.

He just holds him, then when Damian tires himself out and his eyes become puffy and half-lidded, Jason gathers him up and carries him to the bedroom, his arms too full to turn off the TV. Damian instantly curls up into his side as he lays them both down onto the bed, dragging the sheets.

People die on patrol, yet Bruce seems to be the hardest on them when it’s the criminals who die. Victims, choking on their own blood and crying, eyes going milky, but Bruce only sees the criminal that Jason aloud to get shot by their own partner, he only sees the thug Jason aloud to get stabbed through the gut when Joker got sick of them. It’s a whole, vile system Bruce has. When victims die, it’s no one’s fault, but when the bad guys die, they should have been strong enough and brave enough and fast enough to stop it.

Jason doesn’t think Bruce will ever trust Jason not to kill. He doesn’t think Bruce will ever trust Damian not to kill.

So the least Jason can do right now while Bruce seethes and Dick tries to mediate is hold Damian a little tighter as a promise that Jason is on his side instead of the people who are supposed to be.

He hopes it’s enough. Because it’s truly the least he can do.

[gwoongi]

acts of love

bts / reader, all members / reader genre: best friends au, fluff + crack rating: general words: 9.6k warnings: platonic relationships, smoking, so much fluff you might need to book an appointment with ur dentist for tomorrow morning ASAP a/n: if u want 2 be bts’ best friend, raise ur hand *thousands of hands raise*. this fic fuels my genuine need to be their bff. i saw this post last night + wrote this immediately. hope u love it like i do :D 

➸ As long as you’ve got a good group of friends, anything is possible. Thankfully, you’ve got the best group you could ever ask for.

(01) taking pics of ur friends without them asking u to bc they looked so pretty in that exact moment

“Well, at least the views not so bad. Honestly, I thought it would be a lot worse.”

Beside you, at the top of the bleachers that surround the large football pitch below, Taehyung huffs and kicks his feet up onto the empty row in front of him. It would be easy to just move rows, considering the game’s due to start in ten minutes time, and there’s plenty of empty seats closer. But, he’s bought these seats, and by the looks of things, Yoongi and Hoseok are already comfortable where they are, sharing a big bag of sticky popcorn between them. Casting a look to the right, you notice that Sana and Seunghee are making their way up, dressed in jerseys and caps, and you suddenly feel very out of place.

“Tell me why I came again?” you ask, not looking away from the pitch below. The grass is bright green, and every wandering body down on the pitch is just a small speck.

“Because,” Taehyung starts, unlocking his phone and checking his messages. You snoop- one missed text from Jeongguk and two off his Mom, which makes you smile. Taehyung’s always been a Mommy’s boy. “You love me, and you know that I worked my ass off for two whole months saving up for these tickets. And, since Jimin’s sick and couldn’t come, you decided to be a good friend and take his place.”

With a frown, you look back towards Taehyung. “I don’t know shit about football.”

“Cheer when we do,” Taehyung suggests honestly.

Yoongi perks up, patting your arm roughly. “Do what I do, and cheer for the team with the prettier uniform.”

“Don’t!” Taehyung hisses, grabbing you back. “The other team have a prettier uniform, but if you cheer for them on this side of the stadium, you’re going to get mobbed. Hey, Yoongi, don’t tell her that, she doesn’t know any better.”

“Just football,” Yoongi shrugs.

“Just football…” Taehyung scoffs and shrinks back down in his seat.

You laugh quietly, petting Taehyung’s leg with faux sympathy. As you move your body to glance around the stadium, strangely anticipating the start of the match, a flash out the corner of your eye makes you look over in Hoseok’s general direction. Hoseok holds his phone up, taking a photo, and then smiles as he checks it on the screen.

“Jung Hoseok, delete it now!” you gape, realising what he’s done. “Oh my God, I bet I look so ugly...you could have warned me.”

“Sorry,” he laughs sheepishly. He then shows you the screen, “you looked pretty! And it’s your first live match ever, we had to document it. Yoongi, look. Wow...I’m sending this to Jimin for proof that you’re having fun.”

“What if I’m not having fun?” you ask.

He glances up, “you are.”

Well. If he says so.

(02) randomly giving tiny gifts (a comic book that ur friend likes, a heart-shaped piece of paper with a sweet message on it)

“Can anybody here share the exact chemistry behind Elephant Toothpaste?”

Chemistry is the absolute bane of your life. It’s only been a few weeks, and you’re already regretting taking additional classes in it. Technically, it was Jimin’s fault you were here in the first place. If it wasn’t for the fact that Jimin was afraid of enrolling into classes alone and therefore had guilted you into taking advanced chemistry with him, then you wouldn’t be here. You sigh for the fourth time in the last ten minutes and shove your chin into the palm of your hand. The clock above Professor Han’s head seems to be still, taunting you with zero movements.

Can boredom kill you? You wonder about that, letting your mind wander as Professor Han continues to quiz the front two rows on the exact chemical formula of the affectionately named Elephant Toothpaste. You’re so close to finding the answer when you feel somebody poking your upper arm. The finger that pokes belongs to Jimin, and you angle your head to look at him with a questioning glare.

Jimin smiles, his hair falling into his face. Like you, he rolled out of bed this morning and tried his best to look semi-presentable; if you counted borderline pajama wear and a serious case of bed-head to be presentable and acceptable for a 9am lecture. Jimin says nothing, just smiles and pushes something towards you with two fingers. The sound of the paper sliding towards you brings your gaze down, and as you look away to stare at it, Jimin returns his attention to Professor Han. Bare in mind, his notebook is empty, save doodles of Yewon on the front row, occasionally losing focus and staring around the room for long periods of time.

What Jimin has pushed before you is a small little piece of paper, smoothly cut into a heart shape. Now the sound of scissors makes sense… It’s just scrap paper from the back of his notebook, decorated with tiny stars and circles, a pathetic hand drawn galaxy on the front like a book cover. You slowly pick it up, more interested in this than the lecture. You turn it over curiously, your heart thumping endearingly and a smile picking up on your face as you read what he’s written on the back.

you and me have some serious chemistry. love u

Jimin refuses to make eye contact again. He’ll say something along the lines of, “you’re taking it too seriously” when you’ll no doubt ask him about it later, but really, Jimin’s just a softie, with the sudden need to tell his friends that he loves them. You’re not complaining.

(03) handwritten letters with cute stickers

Something’s been left in your shared kitchen, something with your name on it and closed in an envelope with a small Gudetama sticker. You set your cup of tea to the side, sliding up onto a stool near the breakfast bar to read it. The front is in a bold font, in handwriting you don’t really recognise. Careful of the time and effort put into the appearance, you carefully open the envelope and take out the contents.

Y/N

Good morning. I hope you slept okay - when I came home last night after judo, you were actually passed out on the couch in the common room so I piggy backed you up to your room. Hehe, your room is so dirty though...I think I definitely tripped over a plug that connected your fairylights, so sorry if that doesn’t work anymore. Anyway. I left this morning and left you some nice tea and some tablets (Yoongi said that I should put them in your bathroom, so I literally just left them on your sink). I know you haven’t been having a fun time with midterms and you need to take care of yourself! If you get too sick and can’t do anything, then how will we eat?? You’re our uni mom!!! We need to live too!!!!! D:

I also rented out Harry Potter for later. I know you get really sad and lonely when you’re stressed out, and so we can watch it together when I’m home after my shift at work :D

Hehe, feel better <3 Just remember that Jeonggukie loves you!!!

Drink tea and stay warm :)

Lots of love, Jeongguk :D

The paper is signed with Jeongguk’s messy handwriting, like he ran out of time as he was writing it. The page is littered with tiny Gudetama stickers and the sight of it makes you smile. Along with other little notes Jeongguk’s left for you over the last few months, this one earns a spot on your cork board above your desk.

(04) remembering what ur friend likes or dislikes

You were so late.

Almost getting run over by a bus in the process, you sprint across the small road that separates your flat and the University central campus, missing a deep puddle as you step up off the road and onto the pavement. It pours, your hair soaked and makeup no doubt running and staining your cheeks. Holy fuck, you were so late.

Every Friday, without fail, Flat 6 (aka the large and slightly stinky flat you share with two of your best friends) host an annual movie night, inviting literally all of your extended friendship group which definitely is not allowed, but who cares? You noticed Namjoon’s car pulled up in the car park next door and curse again, knowing you’re the last one to arrive to a movie night you’re technically hosting.

You rush up the stairs, since the elevator is still down for maintenance, and burst into the flat with an announcing groan. From somewhere in the living room, Jeongguk looks up with happy surprise and jumps up off the couch, approaching the hall.

“Y/N! You made it.”

You wince, smiling as you hang up your coat to drip dry on the mat near the door. “Yep. I made it. To my own movie night. That I’m technically helping host.”

“No sweat,” Jeongguk shrugs. “It’s okay. Here, I’ll dump your bag in the closet. Get changed, I think Yoongi’s still preparing snacks, anyway.”

“Okay. Thanks, Jeonggukie.”

He gushes, smiling and raising his shoulders cutely. “It’s okay, Y/N.”

Jeongguk swiftly takes your bag from your clutches, faking the weight with the droop of his knees just to hear you laugh, and then he turns to shuffle down the hall to quite literally toss it into the shared storage closet. You’re not too worried; on days like today, in which you have one 1 hour seminar to attend at 5pm and nothing else, there’s nothing inside your bag worthy of being broken by Jeongguk throwing it to the ground. As he does this, you shudder out of your shoes and make your way to your bedroom, to change into something warm and comfortable for the movie.

The sound of laughter makes you hurry to change, one leg out of your damp and cold jeans whilst simultaneously fishing for some old jogging bottoms out of your bottom draw, a jumper from Yoongi that he thought he lost left for you to grab on your bed. What he doesn’t know and will find out in five minutes won’t hurt him. (Yoongi also doesn’t care, because he’s a whipped best friend who lets you do what you want, including steal clothes he actually needs and can’t really afford to replace. Oh well, sharing is caring!).

Your hair is still soaked, and you move towards the single bathroom squeezed between two bedrooms to ring it out in the sink. Once you’re done, and your hair is thrown up into a scrunchie-decorated pony, you pace back towards the kitchen where, rightly so, Yoongi stands with his back facing you, filling up a glass with Pepsi.

“I thought we threw that shit out,” you announce as you walk in. “You know this flat is Team Coca Cola, those are the rules.”

Yoongi sighs, not looking up. “Yeah, I know, but Namjoon is a monster.”

“He’s so annoying...why can’t he just admit that Coca Cola is better?” you sigh, moving towards Yoongi to see the small bowls of snacks he has ready to be taken into the living room. It’s full in there, people stuffed onto the sofas and the floor where a bed of blankets lies like a mattress.

Yoongi’s outdone himself; the bowls are neatly organised by colour and ingredient, and you smile. Yoongi was a lot of things, one of them a secret perfectionist. Even when it concerned bowls of snacks. God, you love to love him.

“Namjoon’s a man of unpopular opinions, I mean, he really thinks the live action of Attack on Titan is good, like, who actually thinks that?” Yoongi rants, and then he glances to the side towards you, is silent for a moment, and then asks, “is that my jumper?”

You look down at it with a smile. “Yep. It’s comfy.”

Yoongi hums, like he’s bored. “Whatever, looks better on you than it did on me. Who the fuck lied to me and told me dark green was my colour...?”

“Every colour is your colour,” you say, patting his back and reaching for the bowls. “Should I take these in?”

Yoongi then nods, humming again. “Yeah. Yellow bowl is for you, by the way.”

You look to it. “And why is that?”

“Cause I know you don’t like the barbeque flavour chips that are in the red bowl, but everyone else does, so I went out and got you the salty ones. Oh, and there’s a bar of Galaxy in the fridge. Don’t tell Jeongguk, cause he’ll get pissy about how I didn’t get him something.”

As Yoongi tells you this, your heart flutters. You had told him that when you first met, after he offered you some of his chips noticing you were the only person not eating.

“You remembered that?” you wonder, and Yoongi looks at you like you’ve lost your mind.

“I’m a good friend,” he states, as though it were obvious. “Don’t get it twisted, though. I only did it because I don’t want to hear you complaining about it all night.”

You’re sure that’s a lie, but if it makes him feel better, you’ll accept it. You’ll also ignore the embarrassed tinge of red on his cheeks.

(05) inside jokes

[15:16PM] jeongguk: alright fuckers 🔪😡 [15:16PM] jeongguk: who left the kitchen window open all damn night [15:17PM] jeongguk: there’s three spiders in the sink and it rained so the work surface is all wet [15:17PM] jeongguk: [1 Image Attached] not happy bois [15:23PM] jine: i dont even live with you why are you asking the gc this [15:24PM] jeongguk: yoongi has the flat gc muted and idk how else to yell at him [15:28PM] y/n: blame me,,,,i have failed u,,,,,,,im sowwy [15:29PM] jeongguk: hehe its ok ❣️💘💕💓 i’ll clean it up 🥰 [15:32PM] haseul: eye….. [15:39PM] jimin: YALL LMAOODIUGJFKDSLJ [15:39PM] jimin: guess what TF just happened in my maths class [15:41PM] jimin: i forgot that on one of my assignments me and y/n had drawn a camel in the library on the back and he saw and asked me 2 stay behind after class so he could have stern words with me or smthn…..anyway so i go to the front of the class at the end and he’s like “mr park what the hell is this camel doing here” [15:42PM] jimin: and i said sir thats not a camel [15:42PM] jimin: thats my WIFE [15:43PM] y/n: HA HA HA… [15:45PM] yoongi: IF YALL DONT STOP [15:47PM] taehyung: THIS IS THE THIRD TIME YOU’VE MADE THIS REFERENCE AND I DONT KNOW WHAT IT MEANS [15:47PM] taehyung: this inside joke stinks….someone explain to me please what this means 😭😭😭 [15:48PM] hoseok: i hate this damn gc

(06) long phone calls

[Incoming Facetime Call From: Seokjin 👪]

“Hey.”

“Hey. Y/N, are you sitting down because I have some major tea on Professor Kwon and Professor Kim and I’m not supposed to be saying anything and it’s killing me.”

“Oh shit.” Audio shuffles. “I’m lying down now, bitch. Tell me everything.”

“Okay. So…”

[Five Hours Later]

“I’m still in shock about Kwon and Kim.”

“Me too. What’s Kim gonna do, lie and say she had heat rash on her titties?”

“Hopefully she doesn’t get them out for people to see.”

“Literally. God, I hate how our life has resorted to teacher gossip. Are we those students?”

“Yup. Two students bitching about teachers at...like ...midnight?”

“Oh, shit, it’s midnight already??”

(07) facetiming while ur both doing something else (study dates like that are on another level of intimacy)

Jimin’s had the same cold for about two weeks now, and nobody knows what the hell’s up with it. He walks around his flat, according to Hoseok, wrapped up in a blanket and surrounded by a necklace of matted tissues. To be honest, it’s not as bad as he’s making it out to be, but he’s a guy, and so anything that involves a slight stomach pain and a blocked nose instantly translates to man flu, which is almost as bad as the plague.

That being said, Jimin’s set himself under “house arrest” and is therefore glued to his bed or desk chair, still managing to move his sore and aching joints to write a few words on his lab report. With the first round of finals creeping up, Jimin actually wants to go to the library, but, man, what with his man flu and everything, he just can’t seem to do it.

On the other hand, he has you to set the mood for him. After snagging a corner table in the library near the big windows, you make a barrier out of your bag and books to watch the sunset, Taehyung opposite using minimal space with his laptop and headphones, watching a documentary he’ll need to cite for his essay. Jeongguk naps next to you, having exhausted himself from his shift last night that ran into the early hours and Sana secretly paints her nails, blowing them dry as she takes a break from writing.

Once you’re settled and comfortable, you reluctantly peel away the slice of tape covering your webcam (because Black Mirror has forever scared you into thinking 4Chan are watching you and will hold your endless hours of Games2Girls dot com against you) and open up Facetime, ringing Jimin who waits patiently back home.

After a few rings, Jimin’s bright and tired face pops up on the screen and you both silently wave. Jimin has his mic muted, but yours is on, allowing the ambience of the library trick Jimin into believing he’s actually there. It’s not quite like an ordinary study date, but for now, it’ll do. He opens his textbook and starts to work, comfortable and happy now that he’s listening to his friends discuss work, like he’s there. He smiles, occasionally glancing up to see your face working or Jeongguk unintentionally leaning into frame. It’s comforting. He works well.

(08) cooking something for ur friend

“Merry Christmas, Tae. Oh, wait, I have something for you.”

Taehyung is hosting a Christmas party this year, in the apartment he shares with some of the girls in your group and Namjoon. His flat is lit up with lights, draining the electricity, the tree sparkling like diamonds in the front living room that looks out onto the Seoul city. The sound of Michael Bublé sings out festively and Taehyung leads you through to the kitchen, out of the loud madness of the party that’s getting into full swing. In one hand, you have a big bag of presents that both Jeongguk and Yoongi kindly left for you to haul all by yourself to Taehyung’s flat, and in the other, you balance a box across your arm, the corner sharp on your inner elbow.

“Cool. Your gift is under the tree,” Taehyung says.

“Oh, yeah. No, this is an early gift.”

“Just for me?” he asks.

You set down the box. “Well, you can share if you love us all a lot. But, it’s for you.”

Taehyung wastes no time in opening the box, a smile widening across his face as he reviews the contents. The box is stuffed full with cookies, baked big and crumbly for his tasty pleasures. They’re decorated too, because you love him so much and you know he liked them last year.

“Last year you ate nearly all of my batch, so I just decided to make you some of your own this year,” you tell him casually. It’s really no big deal, but Taehyung feels like he might actually cry because the thought is so sweet. You notice this, the glassiness of your eyes. “Ew, don’t cry.”

“I’m sorry, I’m touched!” he exclaims. Taehyung turns on his spot and wraps an arm around your neck, pulling you in for a hug. With your arms wrapped around his torso, Taehyung smiles with a thrilled sound and kisses the crown of your head. “Thanks, Y/N, you’re the best.”

“Yeah, yeah. I know.”

(09) sending texts when u randomly think abt them

[11:15AM] namjoon 👨🏼‍🚀: i stopped by at kyobo’s today and found a cards against humanity add on pack that was harry potter themed and i thought of u lol [11:15AM] namjoon 👨🏼‍🚀: i bought it for u btw 😊

(10) listening without judging

When the front door slams shut, you know that something’s wrong.

Having opted for sitting in the natural light of the living room to finish your lab report, the sound of the door echoes loudly throughout the empty house. It’s only you home, since Yoongi has volleyball practise until six this evening, which means it’s Jeongguk who’s home and apparently, not in a very good mood.

Jeongguk doesn’t realise you’re in the living room until he enters it, stopping suddenly in the doorway when he sees you cross-legged on the carpet near the coffee table. His eyes are red and swollen, his nose shiny from where he’s been crying and sniffling. The sight makes your stomach churn with an indescribable feeling, and you immediately rise to your feet.

“Jeongguk? What’s wrong- did something happen?” you ask him, not stepping forward until you know he’s okay. 

Jeongguk’s sensitive, the baby of the friendship group, and sometimes you forget to go easy on him. He sighs loudly and drops his backpack to the floor with a thud. His books curl inside loudly and he drags his feet across the floor to get to the couch. He moves as if he’s going to sit down and then stops, turning to you. His bottom lip curls like he’s about to cry, and then he opens his arms for a hug. You immediately move forward.

“Oh, Jeonggukkie,” you coo, stroking his hair and moving to sit on the sofa. Jeongguk comes down with you and you rest his head on top of your breasts, granting him this once in a lifetime opportunity and he doesn’t even register it. He just cries, loudly and comfortably, his arms around you as he sobs. “Oh, my baby. What happened?”

Jeongguk hiccups. “Do-Doesn’t matter. It’s dumb.”

“No, it’s not. Something hurt your feelings, and your feelings aren’t dumb,” you tell him seriously. Stroking the hair out of his face, you peer down at him. “Come on. Tell me, I won’t judge or tell anybody else. You can trust me.”

He sniffs loudly, but you don’t cringe. He blinks, tears falling and he embarrassingly wipes the tears away, nodding. “Okay.” And then the words come out like vomit.

“I just. You know how I liked Sooyoung, right? Well, we were talking- everyone knows we were, but still, we were talking, and I just really liked her and wanted her to like me. I did all this stuff for her, planned all these dates and got her flowers. I thought she liked flowers, girls like flowers. I know we joke that you’re one of the guys, but even you liked those flowers I got for you. So, I got her this pretty necklace with an S on it and was going to give it to her and so I went to her practise room. She does dance, you knew she does dance, right? Yeah. And so I went to the room and was in the room talking to her when the door opens and this guy comes in and he comes up to her and they kiss and I just. She. She told me she didn’t want to rush into dating and that she liked me, and then she suddenly started dating someone else and I’m just really hurt and confused. Did I do something wrong? Am I ugly? Am I annoying, I just...I don’t know what I did. I really liked her.”

You don’t say anything as he talks. You just listen intently, nodding against his head with a low hum and stroking his hair gently.

“I know it’s silly and stupid that I’m crying over a girl, it’s just…” He sighs. “It hurts.”

You sigh, too. “It’s not silly and stupid. What Sooyoung did was really shitty and it’s natural that it hurt your feelings. You did absolutely nothing wrong, though. The flowers were pretty, and you didn’t force her into anything, and you were so kind and patient. Any girl would be lucky enough to have you as a boyfriend. Sooyoung missed out! You’re so good, Jeongguk, one of the best guys I know. And you’re not ugly! That’s an insult to actual ugly people! If you’re ugly, then what are we?” He laughs shyly and you smile, “Huh? What are we?”

“Okay, sorry,” Jeongguk laughs, pressing his cheek into your torso with a wide smile. His hands loop together behind your back, meek and timid, and he sighs, this time less sadly. “Maybe I’m destined to be alone forever…”

“You’re being dramatic, now,” you sigh. “The right person is waiting for you. Just give it some time.”

Jeongguk thinks about that for a moment. “Wanna date me if I end up alone and single aged thirty?”

Loudly, you let out a laugh. “Yeah right. You know what, fine. Even though I know you won’t be, if we’re both single by thirty, I’ll marry you. How about that?”

Jeongguk hums. “Cool. Is it safe to have kids after thirty?”

You let out a wheeze, taken aback by Jeongguk’s question. “Woah there. I said I’d marry you, not birth your children! Besides, you’re acting like thirty is ancient! Lots of women have kids aged thirty.”

“Okay, sorry, I didn’t know! My Mom was only young.”

“I can’t believe you just asked me to have kids with you when we’re thirty…”

“Might as well make our marriage interesting,” Jeongguk shrugs.

You quite literally have nothing to say to that.

(11) making someone laugh so hard that their whole body shakes

“Ow- stop! I’m going to pee!”

You don’t think you’ve seen Seokjin laugh at a joke that’s not his own in quite some time. Tonight, across the table in the retro diner that’s been converted and opened in town, he has surprised you. The entire booth shakes with laughter, from all sides and directions. Seokjin leans up against the window, clutching his side with Jimin, Mina and Yoongi all stuffed next to him on the skinny one seater. Next to you, on either side, is Hoseok and Taehyung, with Jeongguk and Namjoon at the counter ordering more drinks.

“What?” you ask, laughing. You’re not laughing because it’s funny, but more so because you have no idea what it is you did to make him laugh so hard. “What did I say?”

Seokjin can hardly get his words out, choking halfway on air and having to reach for his drink which shakes in his hand. He sips and gasps for air: “Just-your...face!” Then he cracks up again, like it’s the literal joke of the century. You just don’t get it.

“What did I do?” you ask. “What’s so funny?”

Seokjin can’t breathe.

“Oh my God,” Yoongi comments, smiling with disbelief and covering his mouth as he laughs. Mina’s french fries are stone cold as she laughs and leans into Yoongi’s side for support.

“Fuck. Y/N, you’re so funny, I love you so much,” Seokjin cries. Cries, literally; there are tears pooling out of his eyes, and he wipes them, sighing loudly as he laughs a few more times.

You’re going to take the compliment happily, and move on. To this day, you never found out what was so funny…

(12) hanging out in furniture stores and testing every couch there is

“Take a picture of me so we can pretend this is our house for Instagram.”

You sigh, taking out your phone and snapping a photo of Taehyung, lounging his legs apart across a lime green sofa that looks like it’s been hauled out of a 70’s magazine. One of the best things about Taehyung is that he’s easy to please, eccentric and adventurous just like you. Taehyung could be taken to a junkyard for a first date and somehow he’d still find it fun. He didn’t watch Bottletop Bill and his best friend Corky and leave not taking some inspiration on what to do with scrap junk.

It slowly became a tradition to go to the weirdest places with Taehyung as your date. On weekends or free weekdays you shared, you’d text Taehyung and get him to come with you to somewhere new. On today’s list, IKEA. It’s not totally crazy, or weird or wacky, just something you don’t think you’d do with Yoongi for fun. Taehyung loved the idea.

Taehyung’s making it a mission to sit on every bit of furniture he can find. As he takes a ride up the elevator to the first and main starting point of IKEA, he immediately notices the display couches and stares at you excitedly: “Let’s pretend we’re about to buy our dream house and test all the couches.”

Your eyes light up. “Yes! We can pretend we’re on a TV show reviewing them.”

You don’t think you’ve ever seen Taehyung more excited. “Oh my God, yes!” Then he grabs your hand, tugging you towards a cream themed living display. “Let’s go, wifey! Time to review.”

(You very nearly leave IKEA with a bright red sofa that looks like it’s been handmade and the bottom pillows are patterned with tiny cherries. Sadly, you’re both broke and you don’t have a car to take it home.)

((Taehyung’s devastated.))

(13) deep conversations when it's deep in the night

Sometimes, Yoongi stays awake until the early hours in the living room and kitchen. On days where you can’t sleep, you can hear him pacing around, softly grunting as he walks, something he does without really realising and something you love about him. On occasion, you join him. Like tonight, for example.

Yoongi’s curled up on the kitchen counter when you wake up and leave your room to find him. He sits with his back up against the cupboards, the kitchen window open with a cigarette out the window. Catching your gaze wide-eyed, he moves as if he’s going to put the cigarette out but you stop him.

“I told Jeongguk I’d stop,” Yoongi explains. Inside, he’s just grateful you’re not Jeongguk tonight. The cigarette lets off steam. He doesn’t smoke as often as he used to, just when he needs to. Yoongi looks away from the window as you pick yourself up to sit on the cupboards parallel to him. A bottle of wine is out, and you quietly take off the top and take a large swig.

“You don’t have to explain anything to me,” you tell him honestly. “It’s okay. I won’t tell Jeongguk, too. There’s a new air freshener in the cupboard under the sink. Use that when you’re done.”

Yoongi nods. “Yeah. Thanks, Y/N.”

“Why’d you go back to smoking anyway? Didn’t you tell Jeongguk that you were stopping because you didn’t want to die, or something?” It’s a joke, Yoongi snorts in reply.

“You know how he feels about it. I do too, and I guess I just felt bad about it. It was bad enough for him growing up and at home, and he told me about his brothers asthma attacks because of it and how he almost died, and how his parents smoked religiously and it made them act a certain way.” Yoongi sucks in his breath, like he’s realising what lighting the cigarette means. “It’s not weed. Not what his parents did, but. Still, fuck.” He decides to put it out.

For a while, you don’t say anything to Yoongi. Staring at him is telling enough, and you watch as Yoongi regrets what he’s done so much that he pales, his eyes watering.

“I don’t want to let him down,” Yoongi admits truthfully. “He’s like my little brother. I don’t wanna hurt him, fuck.”

He rocks his head back, sighing into the night. Down below the window, over the small little cliffside that he can see from his window that looks down onto the freeway behind the flat, he watches the lines of traffic whiz by, like long white lights, the honks like ASMR in his ears.

“If you’re going back to bed, can you go in my room and take the rest of my cigs out? Don’t wanna feel tempted by them. Toss them out or something, will you?”

You nod immediately, taking another drink of wine. This gulp stings. “Course. Yeah, I’m gonna go now actually.” You hop down off the counter, handing the bottle and placing it next to Yoongi. “Don’t stay up too late, mkay?”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

You shrug in reply, Yoongi frowns. As you walk towards the doorway that separates the kitchen and the hall, you turn around and look back at Yoongi, calling his name. Yoongi looks over and raises his eyebrows expectantly.

“Love you,” you tell him. A smile follows, and Yoongi blinks tiredly.

“I love you too. Goodnight, Y/N.”

He watches as you disappear into the darkness of the hallway and then faces the nighttime again. The smell of cigarettes lingers, and his stomach churns. Yoongi reaches for the air freshener you mentioned and sprays it generously, sniffing and then turning off the lights to the kitchen. Jeongguk will wake up and complain about the window being open, and might even notice the ash on the windowsill, but, like you, he still loves his big brother regardless.

(14) holding hands while jaywalking so that u Both get hit by a car

“Now!”

A squeal leaves your mouth as Jeongguk grabs a hold of your hand and literally pulls you across the road. A car that speeds down the road presses the horn loud enough to turn a few heads and Jeongguk grins boyishly, raising his hand as if to say sorry even though you’re far enough away to not get hit. Jeongguk’s motto for jaywalking is We Hold Hands, Because We Go Together Or We Don’t Go Down At All, or something. You know he stole half of it from an All Time Low song, but it works, and the song slaps.

From across the road, on the side you and Jeongguk are running towards, Hoseok gapes at the both of you and his eyes bulge out of his head.

“You two have a death wish!” he yells.

“But we lived, bitch!” Jeongguk replies, raising a gang sign to which Hoseok pulls a face at.

“I literally cannot stand you,” Hoseok seethes, walking away even though he’s supposed to be going out for dinner with the both of you. You and Jeongguk share a look that ends in a burst of giggles and run after Hoseok, capturing each of his arms with your own. He complains all the way to the restaurant, even though he loves it.

(15) randomly buying a flower for someone

“Delivery.”

Namjoon’s voice lifts your head. He stands behind the reception desk of your flat complex with a small bunch of flowers in his left hand. If he didn’t already know that you were working your two hour shift today, then he’s lucky he caught you. The sight of a bouquet of wildflowers makes your heart soar curiously.

“For someone special?” you wonder. Maybe he’s delivering to someone in the complex. Namjoon’s a sweetie like that.

Namjoon blinks. “Yeah. You.” He holds the bouquet outwards, with a bright smile. “They were for sale outside as I got off my subway. Thought of you, again. Happy early birthday.”

“My birthday’s in, like, seven months,” you say.

“That’s why it’s for your early birthday,” Namjoon replies.

You don’t know what to say. “They’re so pretty, thank you. Hey - can you go up to my flat and put them in a vase? I’ve still got an hour here, they might dry out if they’re kept down here.”

Namjoon nods instantly. “Sure. Gimme your key?” You slide the key across the desk towards Namjoon and he takes it swiftly. “Cool. Glad you like them. Enjoy your shift, Y/N.”

“Unlikely,” you groan. “Thanks, Joonie!”

He smiles as he reaches the door, sticking his tongue out to you as he prepares to climb the stairs. That elevator needs fixing urgently, and all you can think about is how much you love your friends.

(16) letting ur friends taste ur food and also tasting theirs to the point where u basically ate a fair amount off of each plate on the table

“What do you mean you’ve never tried a steak before?” Yoongi sighs so loudly that it turns a few heads. “Okay. Take a bite, it’s called charity and I’m generous. Come on.”

Yoongi even cuts you a slice and leans over the table to let you taste it. Beside you, Namjoon cringes when you close your teeth around the fork and pull the steak off, taking several bites and widening your eyes with wonder a Yoongi. You have just unlocked a taste sensation!

“Like it?” Yoongi asks.

“Mhm! It’s so easy to eat,” you observe. You look at Namjoon, “try his.”

Yoongi sighs. He willingly shares his food out. You glance down at your own meal, a pretty pasta dish that Jeongguk looks at from next to Yoongi.

“What is that? It looks good,” Jeongguk asks.

“Spaghetti Al Pomodoro,” you quote from the menu. Jeongguk laughs, because who goes to a restaurant and orders spaghetti? “Stop, I don’t know the menu, I played it safe!”

“Lemme try,” Jeongguk invites himself to try the taste, twirling his fork around the pasta and sucking it up like a scene in Lady and the Tramp. This sets off a sequence around the table, something you can’t help but snigger at. Namjoon lets you try some of his curry and Yoongi tries Jeongguk’s burger. By the time everybody on the table has tried everybody elses meals, you finally look back at your plate and notice that literally half of the meal’s now gone. Yoongi has about one bite of steak left, and Jeongguk could easily finish his burger in one bite.

“I hope everyone enjoyed my meal,” Yoongi says sarcastically, and he angrily chews his last piece of steak.

Namjoon looks up with a bright smile. “Yeah I did. Thanks!”

(17) "give me that I'll carry it for u"

Sometimes, Hoseok stops by at the reception to help out, especially during finals or midterms when you could really use those two years of monitoring an empty email inbox to study. Today, one of the newer residents, Somi, is on the desk and is playing Club Penguin on the computer, and you’re shoved into the back storage room with Hoseok, filing everybody’s mail and parcels.

It’s so messy in here, and looks like it hasn’t had a good clean out since it was first built, which might sound ridiculous, but have you seen all of this dust?

“Can you guys take out the trash?” One of the other workers, Siwon, pokes his head into the back room.

“You only just asked us to do this, though,” Hoseok points out with his hands on his hips.

Siwon shrugs, “Okay. And? Get to work.”

He turns and leaves as Hoseok gives him the middle finger, groaning as he arches his back to relieve pain that’s developed from being hunched over for too long. The trash bags are enormous and bulky with weight, shoved into a single room that absolutely honks. Hoseok grimaces as he opens the door and drags some bags out, deliberately ignoring a suspicious juice leaving a trail behind one of the ones he’s just brought into the back room.

“That literally stinks,” you complain.

“Yep.”

While Hoseok continues to haul bags out of the trash room, you take it upon yourself to drag the bags out to the back, towards the giant tip that’s collected by the bin-men the following day. After two or three trips, Hoseok steps out of the room and notices you struggling to pick a big bag up off the floor over your shoulder, like Santa’s sack.

“Give me that, I’ll carry it for you,” Hoseok offers, already stepping forward.

“No!” you protest stubbornly. “I’ve got this.”

“You’re so full of bullshit,” Hoseok howls. He ignores you and snatches the bag out of your hands. You’ll never admit it, but it feels good to not have the twisty material burning your fingers. “Sit down. You’ve worked hard.”

“Don’t patronise me,” you scold.

He giggles, “sorry. You’re too cute. Keep filling in those forms, kill two birds with one stone?”

You wait until Hoseok’s out of the room to cradle your fingers. Fucking hell, that hurts.

(18) helping ur friend decide what to wear while also reminding them that they look amazing no matter what

“You’re not going to the Met Gala, Jimin. Just wear jeans, my dude.”

“No. No, no, ignore him.” You throw a glare in Jeongguk’s direction and shift on your stomach, watching Jimin frantically search through his wardrobe. “This is important. This is serious. He’s going to see a potential employer, Jeongguk.”

“Yeah,” Jimin taunts, “so go be jobless and broke somewhere else.”

Jeongguk snorts, “I have a job, though…”

“Okay, get out of my room. Y/N, help me.”

“You looked good in the last four outfits,” you say to him honestly. “What’s wrong with this one, hm?”

You stand up, moving to one of the outfits laid out on the floor. It’s a pretty combination of clothes; a patterned white shirt that’s both formal and casual, with black trousers and brown shoes.

“I don’t like the shoes,” Jimin mumbles, continuing to search.

“Okay...Why don’t we just…” You crouch, moving a pair of black shoes from outfit number three to outfit number two. Now the shoes are black, and the outfit looks great. “Do that? What do you think?”

Jimin looks down at it, biting his bottom lip. “Is it good?”

“Yeah, totally,” you nod with enthusiasm. “It shows your personality whilst also remaining professional. And you looked super handsome in it.” Jimin faces you with a shy smile, “Trust me. It’s the one.”

It takes some reluctance and convincing, but Jimin eventually settles on outfit number two. All it took was some convincing and abuse of his praise kink.

(And he got the job.)

(19) being involved in every bad hair decision (dyeing ur friend's hair grey in between playing with their switch)

Three games into Mario Kart, you realise that you urgently need to email Nintendo and play I’m-Karen-Let-Me-See-The-Manager. Nintendo Switches are so dangerously addictive that Seokjin has you watching him play as grey hair dye bleaches his scalp. You can’t help but watch as he wins race after race, a streak of ten to beat tonight with King Boo as his racer every damn time.

“Fuck, your hair!” You must have said that so many times that Seokjin’s bound to get sick of it. He glances up at his reflection and eyes the sight on his head.

“Looks fine,” he shrugs.

“Let me remind you that it looks fine because the colour’s okay at the front. It looks kinda...patchy at the back.” You reach for the dye, “We’re low. Seokjin, we’re in trouble.”

He shrugs again. “Whatever. We can make a new trend.”

“Hell no. If it looks shit, I’m paying for you to get it done professionally ...which, you should have just done in the first place. I'm not a hairdresser!”

“And thank fuck for that!” Jimin steps into the living room and laughs nervously. “That looks hideous!”

This time, Seokjin’s eyes raise icily.

“It’s not that bad…” you mutter. “It’s okay. I’ll fix it.”

“The only way to save your hair is to just sacrifice it all,” Jimin sighs. “You know what, I’ve got a razor in my cupboard, let’s bring forward bald Seokjin.”

“I’ll take the patchy scalp,” Seokjin threatens.

“It’s really not that bad,” you pout quietly, attempting to fix the mess at the back of his head.

Okay - you’re lying. It’s awful. It’s a total disaster. But when Seokjin gets a good look at it, and he does take a good long look, he just shrugs and puts down the mirror.

“It’s a trend,” he decides. Mario Kart resumes and you’re rendered absolutely speechless.

(20) paying attention

When forced into a group of friends outside of your own, you always had a tendency to stand out in the worst ways possible. It’s not as if you stood out for being different, or funny or pretty. No; outside of your close circle of friends, you were the obvious outsider. You stuck out like an imposter, like a red flower amongst white ones.

This get together hosted by one of Jeongguk’s other friends, Joshua, takes place in his crazy expensive lake house in the countryside, owned by his parents and left to him when he turned eighteen. It’s remarkable that you got invited, to be honest. But, when Jeongguk’s your best friend, you get vouched for, granted permission to stay for the weekend in the one of many rooms, with the exception of sharing a room with two other guys. Jeongguk doesn’t mind sharing a bed for the weekend with Jimin, as long as you’re comfortable in your own.

And you’re not blind - it’s not hard to figure out why a big group of girls who had managed invitations were clinging to your circle of friends. You had lucked out in a way that ensured your entire group were visuals, everybody stunning in their own unique way. Joshua and his friends are here too, obviously, but their eyes are only on a certain segment of the group. From this angle, one of the girls who made her way over to the sofas sits with her back in your general direction, and it sort of feels like primary school all over again where you were the odd one out.

You try not to let it bother you, though. As the guys play polite and laugh when needed and talk casually, something slips up in conversation: “Well, actually-” One of the girls is talking, blinking repetitively in Namjoon’s direction with a sweet smile, “I think I have more guy friends than girls. Girls are so hard to talk to sometimes.”

“Right?” one of the others says with a sigh. “I wish I had more male friends. I want to move in with some in the future.”

You inhale. This is a good conversation to jump into. “Same,” you say. The girl in front of you turns around slightly, perhaps only just remembering that you were there in the first place. “I’ve been friends with these guys forever now, and living with them is so…” You notice after a short ramble that the girls turned back around, and she’s not even listening. You trail off, looking bored, “who am I even talking to?”

But from across the coffee table on the other couch, Yoongi furrows his brows and sets his glass down. “Y/N’s right,” he announces, and you look up at the same time as the other girls. Like they’re confused, they look at the group and then back at you, as if wondering the connection. “You know, guys are always told being friends with girls is impossible, but Y/N’s the glue that keeps us together.”

Jeongguk nods, “Mhm, exactly! You know, they said that it would be hard being friends with girls because you’d catch feelings, but Y/N’s so repulsive that it’s not even that hard...”

You glare at him, “Ha-ha. Very funny.”

“Trust me,” Chaeyoung pops up, having been sat silently in between Taehyung and Mark for the past twenty six minutes, “it’s not all that.” The girls look at her, “Men are disgusting. I don’t know how Y/N does it. These guys are the repulsive ones...I was in their flat for five minutes and I think I caught three diseases.”

“Hey, don’t drag my apartment into this,” you pout. Yoongi shakes his head with a smile and watches you, happy that the frown that was once on your features had disappeared into a smile. Hey, in a weird way, this was a good conversation to jump into! 

The girls around you share glances, as though they’ve just clocked on to how important you are to these guys and how ignoring you won’t make them like them more, and eventually, you’re included in the conversation. You make a mental reminder to thank the fuck out of Yoongi for paying attention to you, even when you’re silently in the background.

(21) being aware and understanding of someone's financial situation ("dw I'll pay for u")

“We all need matching ones. Look, one each!”

Jeongguk excitedly crouches in front of one of the display cases, marvelling at the sight of tiny little charms on foam boxes, smiling up at you all. It makes you weak seeing how childlike Jeongguk actually is, how he gets excited over shiny things like a little magpie. Today is one of those rare afternoons where you’re all miraculously free, and it had been Namjoon’s idea to go out somewhere and hang out. Seoul is filled with beautiful and secret places to explore like a tourist and he takes up the opportunity.

This shop is dinky and in a weird place between an ice-cream shop and a fish market, probably scammy and has definitely seen better days. But Namjoon likes it, and Yoongi vouches for it because he’s been here before with Namjoon when they brought a watch for Jimin. Okay, yes, it was a designer watch, but it was way cheaper from this shop and, wait, who cares if it’s fake? Nobody noticed until now.

You stand behind Jeongguk, peering down at the charms. They’re all so cute and cartoon-like, each charm you view immediately reminding you of another friend. For Jeongguk, the rabbit. Taehyung could have the paintbrush or camera, Jimin definitely could have the apple because of the fact that his new favourite thing to say is An Apple A Day Keeps The Demons Away. It makes no sense, but he learns to roll with it.

“They’re cute,” Hoseok comments, smiling widely.

“They should be cute, for thirty dollars a charm!” you gape, pointing out the price. “I thought this was a shop that sold things cheaper?!”

“They’re usually around sixty,” Namjoon shrugs.

“For why?” you exclaim.

Nobody hears that, or if they do, they ignore it. With a sigh, you turn away from the case and start looking at something else. Thirty dollars for a small charm is insane, and you don’t have that kind of money. As Taehyung and Jeongguk start picking charms for everybody, your heart rate quickens. 

How can you tell them that you don’t want a charm because you can’t afford a charm without disappointing them and sounding like you’re asking one of them to buy you one? In your panic, Seokjin worms his way up behind you and rests his arm up on your head like an arm-rest.

“Have you picked a charm?” he asks, and you look away instantly. “Hey,” he says, noticing that, “what’s up, buttercup?”

You sigh reluctantly. “I can’t afford to get one of those…”

Seokjin blinks and frowns slightly. “Oh. Well, that’s okay. I’ll pay for you.”

“No way!” you hiss at him, poking a finger into his chest. “Kim Seokjin, don’t you dare-!”

“Hey, I owe you, it’s cool,” Seokjin assures you.

“Owing me because I paid for your McDonalds is not the same as spending thirty dollars on a tiny charm.”

“They’re friendship charms,” he explains. “It’s symbolic for our friendship. Look, stay silent and pretty and let me get you something nice. Please?”

In this one instance, Seokjin doesn’t take no for an answer and invites himself into the small huddle of guys around the charms and picks one out for you. Seokjin picks you a love heart, because he knows that no matter what, there’s a love between the guys and you that nothing can pull apart.

(22) looking stupid in public together (dancing in stores to overplayed pop songs)

You hear it at the same time as Jeongguk.

One thing you don’t mind that much about Korea is that the sound of random K-POP groups follows you around everywhere you go. You actually kind of like it, because the songs are catchy enough and Jimin and Hoseok like it for the dances. But, my God, if you have to hear Momoland’s Bboom Bboom one more time, you might explode.

Over the hum of the refrigerators in the small GS25, where you and Jeongguk are examining the surprisingly large collection of flavoured milks, you hear those guitar strums and just as the horns roll in, you and Jeongguk share a glance and immediately do The Thing.

The Thing is recreating the entire dance routine to the song, which you had both decided to learn when you were bored and procrastinating during midterms. Everybody else in your friendship group deems it the single most embarrassing thing that you and Jeongguk do in public next to jaywalking, and maybe you can see why. The chorus rolls by and you’re both shimmying, pointing finger hearts to each other, and it’s rolling to an end when one of the cashiers turns the corner with a big tray of iced coffee in her arms.

She pauses and so do the both of you, in an intense stare off until she cowers and scurries to put down the tray and carefully shelf the drinks. Jeongguk looks at you with the urge to laugh and picks a random milk off the shelf, urging you out of the aisle to pay. When you’re outside and free from the judgement of the cashier, Jeongguk laughs on the floor for about five straight minutes.

(23) looking stupid in public together (singing loudly in ur car)

“JUST GO AHEAD AND HATE ON ME AND RUN YOUR MOUTH!”

“So everyone can hear!”

“HIT ME WITH THE WORST YOU GOT AND KNOCK ME DOWN!”

“Oh, baby, I don’t care.”

“KEEP IT UP AND SOON ENOUGH, YOU’LL FIGURE OUT!”

Both of your voices: “You wanna be, you wanna be, A LOSER LIKE ME!”

In the backseat, Yoongi shrinks further down until his bum is hanging off the chair, in the footwell where his knees are. “Please kill me.”

(24) hugging people when u say hi and goodbye to them

Hoseok is one of the best friends you could ever ask for. One, he’s friendly. Two, he’s funny. Three, he’s cute. Four, he hugs you when you arrive somewhere and again when you leave, and you absolutely love it.

“Y/N, hi!” His voice is the first to call out to you when you walk into the Open Day fair at your Uni. You look awful, overslept and still half asleep, but he comes towards you with a smile and engulfs you in a hug. “You look cute. Sleep well?”

That’s not to say the other guys don’t hug you, because they definitely do. But, Hoseok’s always the first.

(25) being there for someone even if u can't help them

“Go ahead. Laugh at me like everybody else.”

Jimin and Jeongguk are the ones who are unfortunately tasked with dealing with a tragically grieving Y/N. It’s unfortunate to you, but they don’t mind one bit. The last thing they expected to see when they came back to Jeongguk’s apartment to watch more episodes of Mindhunter on Jeongguk’s TV, was you curled up on the window seat with red eyes and a runny nose.

“Why would we laugh at you, baby?” Jeongguk asks, rubbing your back. He’s sat next to you and Jimin is by your feet, rubbing them and your legs with his soft hands.

You sniff uglily, but none of them say anything. “Cause. Cause it’s just a fish, I guess.”

“It was still your pet,” Jimin points out sadly. “Susan was a great fish.”

You sniff again, crying some more. “I just feel like a bad owner. Maybe the bowl wasn’t big enough, and maybe I didn’t feed her enough...I don’t want her to have died because of me.”

“Hey, now,” Jeongguk assures softly, “I’m sure she died peacefully. You were the best fish Mom ever. Susan’s in a better place now.” He glances over at Jimin nervously, “Like, fish heaven?”

For a moment you don’t say anything, and Jeongguk thinks maybe that was too much. But then you turn to him with a hopeful expression. “You really think so?”

“Yeah, of course,” Jeongguk replies.

“Susan’s still with you in your heart,” Jimin adds. He’s not too great at the comforting thing. “You were so good to her. If I was a fish, I’d want you to be my Mom.”

Jeongguk looks at Jimin with a deadpan face. Maybe that was too much, but you smiled, and that’s something to Jimin. Even if he doesn’t know what to do to help, the least he can do is be there for you.

(26) "this reminded me of u"

[03:15AM] namjoon: hehe [03:15AM] namjoon: this reminded me of u ^__^ [03:16AM] namjoon: [1 Image Attached]

[03:20AM] y/n: there r no words….

(27) allowing people to be human, with everything that this entails

University truly has been the best years of your life. There’ve been rough spots financially and mentally, but your key support system has been the circle of friends you’re proud to love and live with. Even when they’re a little bit chaotic, sometimes really annoying and loud and tiring, you still love them, and every quality that comes along with loving them.

[love-little-lotte]

My Ranking of Outlander Season 5 Episodes

Wow. This has been such a great season! It really felt fresh and well-made. It’s like we’re thrown back to earlier seasons, and I love it so much. The writing is a whole lot better; the direction is creative and new – but never to a point that it got dreary and boring; there is a significant amount of change that I really liked. Overall, a brilliant and amazing season. 

I’ve done something like this from the previous season (click here, if you’re interested), and now I guess I’m doing it again! It’s a lot harder, though, because I really liked most of the Season 5 episodes. I even wish it was longer! Twelve episodes seemed so short. I wish we could back to earlier episodes when we have more than fifteen episodes for one season.

So, to start off my Droughtlander (ugh, I cry thinking about Season 6 – it seems so far away), this is my ranking of Outlander Season 5 episodes! Before I begin, let me just say that this is my opinion, so please be polite. No need to tell me that you prefer this over that because obviously, this is my ranking. Also, just so you know, I haven’t read The Fiery Cross. I’ve only read Outlander, Dragonfly in Amber, and the first few chapter of Voyager. So, I may make mistakes about what happened in the books and such, since I only watch the TV show. 

#12: Episode 3 - Free Will

Technically not a bad episode, but this is the one that I least liked out of all. It was a bit draggy, but definitely not boring. Nothing is boring when Jamie and Claire faces danger together! 

So, in this episode, Josiah revealed that he has a twin named Keziah. They both escaped from the Beardsleys, who apparently abused the both of them. But without their right papers, the twins were not really free. So, of course, Jamie and Claire just had to save the day and take it upon themselves to go to the Beardsleys and pay for their indenture. Also, Jamie left Roger in charge while he’s gone. It’s funny to see Roger try to lead the men. It’s not his fault by all means – after all, this was not his time and he has zero knowledge how to lead these soldiers. 

At the Beardsleys, Jamie and Claire found out that Mr. Beardsley was incredibly injured and at the brink of death, while Mrs. Beardsley was pregnant and admitted that she’s slowly torturing her husband because he used to physically abuse her. Claire helped Mrs. Beardsley give birth, only to find out that the baby was dark-skinned, which meant it wasn’t Mr. Beardsley’s child. The next morning, the missus was out of the house (wow, that recovery!), leaving her newborn baby in Jamie and Claire’s care. Jamie then faced a tough decision to euthanize Mr. Beardsley, who wanted his pain to end. Something tells me that this is going to be an important thing in the future...

#11: Episode 5 - Perpetual Adoration 

Also not a bad episode, to be honest. In this episode, we get another flashback of Claire’s time in the 60s. This time, she’s seen treating a patient by the name of Graham Menzies. Sounds familiar? I’ve read that it’s a nod to Graham McTavish and Tobias Menzies – two of my favorite actors from the earlier seasons. Loved that reference to them; I also miss seeing them in this show! (But maybe Tobias as Frank because I could not, for the life of me, handle another Black Jack Randall shenanigan, even just in a flashback.) Well, this particular patient was actually Claire’s reason to finally go back to Scotland with Bree. It got a bit philosophical in the flashbacks, too! Also, Claire was able to make penicillin out of 18th century materials. Is there anything that this woman couldn’t do?

Jamie, on the other hand, was catching up with Lieutenant Knox, where the lieutenant told him that he’s going to pardon the Regulators, except Murtagh. This left Jamie no choice but to kill Knox – also because he has a list of Ardsmuir prisoners and as you all know, Jamie’s one of them. Pretty sad about Knox, though. He really trusted Jamie and he seemed like an okay guy. But he had to die! 

Bree and Roger also had some problems in this episode. Roger finally found out about what happened with Stephen Bonnet and Bree before they tried to blew up the jail cell the previous season. Roger obviously (but not understandably hmpf) got mad but eventually changed his mind when Claire reassured him that it’s going to be all right. I’m not a big fan of Roger (let’s just get that out of the way), and his reaction in this particular episode. For the sake of drama, I guess.

Also, a new pet is in town! Adso finally made his first appearance at the end of this episode. He’s such a cute wee thing.

#10: Episode 2 - Between Two Fires

One of my favorite things in Outlander is when Claire flaunts her medical knowledge to the 18th century people. I love seeing their expressions, especially when they try to mentally calculate if this woman is a genius or a witch. Sadly, in this episode, there’s one patient Claire couldn’t save because it was too late. This seemed to unravel something in her. It���s devastating to lose a patient, especially when he/she could still be saved. But, even though she’s an expert healer, some people wouldn’t listen to her because she’s not an actual physician. So, Claire decided to make up “Dr. Rawlings.”

Also, I love that Claire picked Marsali as an apprentice! I really loved her character even from Season 3, and I was hoping to get more scenes with her in Season 4. But it was only in this season that her character shined brightly. Marsali was weirded out at first, obviously, but with Claire’s guidance, she’s good to go.

All away from Fraser’s Ridge, Jamie and Lieutenant Knox are fighting off Regulators. While confronting three prisoners, Knox lost his temper and accidentally killed one. At nightfall, Jamie helped the other two to escape. I love Jamie whenever he’s trying to be a hero and all, but sometimes, it just worries too much that he’s always stepping it up. Well, he’s the King of Men, I guess.

The ending of this episode was horrifying and intense because we see Stephen Bonnet, fully alive and plotting evil. I hate him so much, but Ed Speelers is an amazing actor. 

#09: Episode 9 - Monsters and Heroes

Despite having this episode in the bottom part of the list, I just want to say that Sam Heughan was amazing in this episode. His acting was top-notch, and I find myself, once again, questioning the awards committee why they haven’t given him an award. Yes, give me more scenes of him writhing in pain!

This episode was highly intense, but it felt almost too draggy. Jamie and company were out hunting when they decided to split up. Jamie and Roger went together, and Jamie was bitten by a venomous snake. Roger tried to look for the others but to no avail. So they decided to camp for the night, in which Jamie told Roger that if he does not survive, it must be him who’s going to kill Stephen Bonnet for him.

Which absolutely no makes sense! Not the killing of Bonnet, but Jamie not surviving. He survived tons of other crap in his life, and I cannot believe he’s dying from a freaking snake. It just does not makes sense. Can you just imagine if he really died? Like a small snake ended Jamie Fraser’s life? It’s just heartbreaking.

The next day, Roger tried dragging Jamie with him while looking for the others. They were eventually found, and they brought him to Claire so she can fix him up. But not even Claire could even save him. The only thing she needs is her syringe, which was destroyed by friggin Lionel Brown (which, let me tell you, is the worst character to ever come out in this season). When Jamie found out his bite was way serious than he ever imagined, he told Claire to kill him instead of amputating his venom-filled leg, which broke Claire. Also, Caitriona Balfe’s acting during her conversation with Bree by the stairs was top-notch! 

Jamie almost gave up that night, but with some intense body touching, Claire was able to bring him back to life. It was a touching moment, for sure. Get it? Anyway, it was Young Ian who told him to get a grip of himself – it’s just a leg. His father lost a leg and Fergus lost a hand, but they’re still happy and alive.  Which I just want to applause to. 

And when all hope seemed lost, it was our little engineer Bree who saved the day! She was able to form a syringe of her own using the tooth of the snake which bit Jamie. Through this, Claire was able to save Jamie’s leg. Yay!

#08: Episode 10 - Mercy Shall Follow Me

I know I’ve said I haven’t read The Fiery Cross yet, but I have read in tons of posts that the killing of Stephen Bonnet was not part of the aforementioned book; he actually met his demise in the next book. But whatever the reasons why they sped up the process, I want to thank the producers and writers for putting it here in this season. The Bonnet storyline was kind of losing touch and was getting draggy. I’d rather have them focus on new things in the next season. 

Jamie, Roger, and Young Ian were putting their plot in motion to kill Bonnet through ambushing him when Bonnet himself failed to show up in the said ambush. That’s because he’s at the beach, following Claire and Bree as they were enjoying the ocean breeze. He eventually knocked Claire unconscious and kidnapped Bree.

Bree woke up to find herself in a dingy and shady place, but she was not kept as a prisoner – or so Bonnet tried to tell her. He told her he wanted to change and they even had this strange role play where they eat dinner and Bree told him the story of Moby Dick. We actually get to know Bonnet’s past in this episode. We learn that he’s deathly afraid of water, for one thing. 

It seemed to go all right for Bree until Bonnet told her to kiss him, and when she did, he got the sense that she was faking and lo and behold, he was right. This angered him and even started having sex with a prostitute in front of Bree, which was downright disgusting. Anyway, Ed Speelers is a terrific actor!

Jamie and Claire finally find out where Bonnet’s hiding Bree through that prostitute to whom Bonnet was having sex with. Bonnet, fed up with Bree’s ridiculous antics, decided to sell her to a man. But before anything could happen, Jamie, Claire, Roger, and Young Ian were able to save her. Bree was given the choice to end Bonnet’s life, but she decided to give him a fair trial by the government. Bonnet was sentenced to death by drowning, but before he could even die, Bree shot him through the head in a distance. Roger asked her if this was what she wanted or if was to make sure he’s really dead, but Bree was silent, which leaves us to decide what that meant. 

I’ve said this before: I wasn’t a fan of Sophie Skelton’s acting, but she definitely improved in this season! She was able to show some emotions and depth in her character. She was unable to convince me before, but she truly made an impact in this season. 

#07: Episode 4 - The Company We Keep 

Were you ready to see Jamie Fraser dancing in this episode? Because I sure as hell was not! It was such a delight to see him trotting about while he and Claire smile at each other. 

But before we got to that scene, we had to watch Roger painfully lead the men to Brownsville (which is totally an insane and ridiculous name for a village – I know this was in the 18th century, but I hope there were poop jokes about them). Not a minute they stepped foot in this place, everything’s gone to chaos. It turns out Isaiah Morton, one of the men, had some problems with one of the guys in Brownsville. Isaiah apparently “disgraced” Lionel Brown’s daughter, Alicia, by sleeping with her, and now she cannot marry this rich guy her father arranged for her. 

Jamie and Claire eventually caught up with them, and were able to free Isaiah by letting him escape and to never show his face there again. Claire finally found a new home for Mrs. Beardsley’s newborn baby in Brownsville, Jamie finally got the Brownsville men to join him in his militia to fight the Regulators, and everyone finally had a good time and partied all night long. 

One of my favorite moments in the season was in this episode wherein Jamie told Claire that she looked happy while taking care of the newborn baby. He told her that she looked great as a mother, and it saddened me that he never got to see her as one. Jamie told her if she’s sure to give the baby away because maybe it’s their last chance to raise a baby together. Claire was like, “No,” but she appreciated the thought of it. They’re too old to have a baby again, and she already liked their life together. Even so, that was such a sweet moment for the both of them!

Isaiah decided to return to whisk Alicia away, and then she revealed she’s pregnant with his child. While this all seemed great for them, Jamie and Roger were not happy with Isaiah’s return because it might stir up some trouble. But Isaiah was able to convince them that he truly loved Alicia and wouldn’t they do the same thing for their wives. And that’s how it’s done!

#06: Episode 8 - Famous Last Words

A very unique and creative episode. I think I haven’t seen an episode quite like this before, and it’s such a breath of fresh air. I like what the concept of showing the events like a silent film in comparison to what Roger’s facing. 

Richard Rankin was amazing in this episode. I think he really delivered well in showing Roger’s trauma and stress after his horrific ordeal. Roger is actually so beaten up in Outlander; it’s really devastating. Last season, he was taken by the Mohawks, and now this. And to think, he wasn’t a warrior or anything – he’s only an Oxford man. 

Three months after the Battle of Alamance, Roger was still quiet and could not utter a word. Bree was worried about him, and confided to Claire about her roommate’s boyfriend who was shell-shocked after the Vietnam War. Meanwhile, Roger kept reliving his deathly experience in silence. Usually, I’m not a big fan of Roger (as I said earlier) but I feel bad for what his character has gone through. 

Also, Young Ian finally came back in this episode! As someone who haven’t read the books, this took me by surprise. I didn’t know he’s returning, but I am so happy that he is! I really love his character. He’s not the same Young Ian as we’ve seen before, though. He was much more mature and fiercer. There are secrets he’s keeping from his family, which we’ll probably find out more in the next season. 

It was actually Young Ian who made Roger speak up again (quite just like the way how he was the one who set Jamie straight when he was bitten by the snake). Ian was asked to help Roger check out some land, and the two of them bonded. Ian told him how lucky he was to have his wife and child with him, even though he was thoroughly beaten from the battle. Roger was alive with a family, and to Ian, that seemed to be everything. Roger, in return, also saved Ian from killing himself. I’d like to see more of this duo in the future, please.

#05: Episode 6 - Better To Marry Than Burn 

As soon as the trailer for Season 5 dropped, I’ve heard the words “stable sex” more than once in forums. I didn’t know what it was about – only that involves Jamie and Claire having sex in a stable (obviously). So you could imagine my enthusiasm when I finally see a stable in this episode!

Before that, though, there is a party because Jocasta getting married to some guy who’s not Murtagh. Which is a total loss because I shipped them so hard! We also got to see some flashbacks with Jocasta losing her daughter because of her husband’s cause in the fight against the English long ago. 

While mingling with some of the guests, Claire was approached by this ridiculous-looking man called Phillip Wylie, who’s beyond annoying. He flirted with her shamelessly, and she rejected his actions but was immediately interested when she realized he might be the key to capture Stephen Bonnet. But everything got out of hand when he suddenly tried to kiss her. Thankfully, Jamie arrived on time and was able to save her from this man.

But when Claire told him that he might be the answer to the Bonnet problem, Jamie decided to make a gamble with Wylie. Unfortunately, this involved Claire giving up Frank’s ring, which made her unbelievably mad. Later on, when Claire went back to the stables, Jamie drunkenly walked in. Claire’s still angry with him about the rings, but the anger doubled when she found out he was drunk. Jamie told her that he won the bet, and that they should celebrate. There were some fights, then Claire slapped him, and then they kissed and ta-da: stable sex! 

Unfortunately, I had high hopes with what the stable sex was going to be and that was not it. I was expecting steamier scenes, but okay, I’ll take this one. It was hilarious, still. 

Oh, I almost forgot. Back at Fraser’s Ridge, Bree and Roger fight some some sort of locusts evading the place, just like the ten plagues. But they were able to stop this through some smart science and shit. I couldn’t care less about their plot in this episode; all exciting things happen in River Run at the moment! 

But the most heartbreaking thing that ever happened in this episode was Jocasta and Murtagh. The night before the wedding, Murtagh sneaked in Jocasta’s room and begged her not to marry Innes. This broke Jocasta, but still, she couldn’t just run away with Murtagh. She chose a man with a cause before, and she lost her daughter. This woman couldn’t take any heartbreaks anymore, and Murtagh left, heartbroken. And as you know, that would be their last conversation...

#04: Episode 12 - Never My Love 

I thought we can go past one season without anyone getting raped, but here we are. I know this was included in the books, but there were so many changes from book to screen in this season – why couldn’t they changed this one? It was too heartbreaking and sad. I don’t know if it’s unnecessary, but I did read one article that said they could’ve just not included that part.

Anyway, this episode was absolutely harrowing and downright terrifying. This show does not shy away from brutal scenes like this, for sure. I am devastated for Claire because she obviously does not deserve that treatment! In her own words, she survived a World War and losing a child. She will not let this one destroy her. But, of course, Claire’s only human and she’s gone through deep trauma in this episode. It’s only fair for her to feel this way. 

Lionel Brown (honestly, I hate this guy more than anyone in this season and that includes Stephen Bonnet) kidnapped Claire out of her own home with the help of some other guys, beat her senseless, and even raped her. This really “shookt” me out of my core. It didn’t ruin me like that season finale in Season 1 (which still haunts me to this day) but I am still horrified. 

Also, this episode was really creative in showing Claire’s ordeal. It had dream sequences of Claire in 1960s with Jamie and their family celebrating Thanksgiving, with the exception of Bree, Roger, and Jemmy. It included a lot of Easter eggs, such as the vase from the pilot episode and the rabbit from Jamie’s dream in the Battle of Culloden (if I’m not mistaken...?) The production design was also very intricate. The attention to details is brilliant!

Jamie and his men were finally able to save Claire, but she felt ruined. They killed every men in the group, but it seemed like Lionel survived. They took him as a prisoner and brought him to Fraser’s Ridge. Claire was still mending her scars, but she found herself in her clinic with Lionel and Marsali. Yes, she took an oath to do no harm to other people, but do you really expect her to save him from his wounds after what he’s done to her? Hell no! It was too much for her to bear and so she left, crying. It was actually Marsali who ended Lionel’s life with her own hand. Ugh, I love Marsali this season! She was beyond amazing and I love how her character has grown. 

This was surely an intense episode, and I love the additional twists of the dream sequence. Caitriona Balfe blew me away in this episode; just give her the Golden Globe and Emmy, please. The final shot of Jamie and Claire is beautiful. One of the best season finales of the show. 

#03: Episode 1 - The Fiery Cross

Season 5 really started strong with this first episode. We had a wedding, dancing, sex, singing, burning crosses, kilts, babies! I love it so much!

Finally, Bree’s getting married to Roger, and her parents are here to see it! It’s a wonderful moment for everyone. I am in love with Bree’s dress and the pearls she’s wearing (which her mother wore in her honeymoon sex with her father, let me just add). The wedding was sweet and lighthearted. 

But, of course, this is Outlander and we’re not here to have a good time – there’s always something we’re fighting off. In the very first episode, Lord John Grey confided in Jamie that Stephen Bonnet might be alive, which Bree overheard. This was her wedding night, people, give her a rest! Of course, she was visibly shaken, but she kept the information to herself. Also, Tryon was pressuring Jamie to join forces with him and fight for The Crown. 

In addition, there were a love-making montage while the L-O-V-E song was being played in the background. Out of place, for sure, but sweet nonetheless. Murtagh and Jocasta managed to sneak in the woods and have some time for themselves. Jamie and Claire were in charge with Jemmy for the night, but that didn’t stop them from getting some action themselves. And, of course, the married couple Bree and Roger finally had a proper honeymoon. 

Remember when Tryon was pressuring Jamie to gather some men to fight for The Crown? Well, Jamie faced an impossible decision because obviously he does not want to hunt down his godfather Murtagh. But he can’t also betray Tryon because he doesn’t want to lose his land. And so, he finally gave in and lit the fiery cross, calling the men to fight with him. He included Roger, and even gave him the title of “Captain.” Weird flex, but okay. 

This was entirely a good start for a good season. I even watched it twice when it first came out because I was so excited!

#02: Episode 11 - Journeycake 

One of the best Outlander episodes, and this one totally made me cry. I hate goodbyes, but Outlander does it best. This episode was also written by the original author herself, Diana Gabaldon. My expectations were high, of course, and she definitely did not disappoint! 

Now that Stephen Bonnet is gone and that they have confirmed that Jemmy can travel through the stones, there’s no reason for Bree and Roger to stay any longer. Bree has already delivered the cryptic message to her parents that they will die in the fire. So, she and Roger decided to leave, especially that there’s a Revolutionary War coming on. 

Also, Young Ian finally knows about the truth about Claire, Bree, and Roger – they are time travelers from the future. About time, actually! He deserved to know the truth long time ago. But something’s weird: Ian actually wanted to go through the stones himself, too. I have no idea why, but it’s probably going to be about his time with the Mohawks (which I’m totally looking forward to know about in the next season). 

Also, there’s a hot sex scene with Claire and Jamie in this episode, which totally makes up for that awkward, rushed stable sex from the other episode. It involved Jamie going down on Claire while she’s sitting by the window pane. It’s daring and steamy! Trust Diana Gabaldon to perfect that scene. 

Before Bree and Roger leave, they said their goodbyes to everyone first. Marsali even admitted that she sees Bree as a sister, which breaks my heart, because they totally deserve more screen time together! Lizzie also tearfully said her goodbye to her mistress Bree, and it’s quite heartbreaking because all this time, she thought she’s coming along with them as well. Poor Lizzie. 

Claire also made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches as her last meal for Bree and Roger. I don’t know how she was able to make peanut butter and jelly with 18th century resources, but I do know that it was painstakingly hard so kudos to Claire for her dedication in making the perfect PB&J sandwich! Jamie’s reaction was totally hilarious, too!

When Bree and Roger finally left (but for some reason, they couldn’t go through the stones – more explanation maybe in the next season), Claire and Jamie were finally left alone in Fraser’s Ridge. While Claire and Marsali were tending on a patient, Jamie and some of his men checked out some commotion. However, this was only a ploy for Lionel Brown and his men to kidnap Claire straight from her home. It’s terrifying, and I didn’t like what happened next.

#01: Episode 7 - The Ballad of Roger Mac

The major highlight of the season! I was ready to get hurt in this episode, but damn, nothing prepared me for what was about to happen. 

The whole episode reminded me of the Prestonpans episode from Season 2. Jamie was fighting with his men in the Battle of Alamance, while Claire was tending the patients. Ah, but before that, let’s celebrate Jamie Fraser’s fiftieth birthday! I don’t know how this guy is 50, but he is. He and Claire *cough* did some celebrating of their own before shit went down in the fight.

While all the others were preparing for the fight, Bree was staying with Aunt Jocasta when she finally realized that the fight was going to take place in Alamance Creek. This made her remember an importance piece of history. The militia will win, and the Regulators will lose. Of course, she took it upon herself to warn her parents. Thankfully, Bree has inherited her mother’s memory cells. 

Roger eventually volunteered to be the one to tell Murtagh and his men that they were doomed to fail, and Jamie let him. This was going on pretty smoothly, and Roger was able to tell Murtagh what he came for. Unfortunately, he ran into someone he knew (that woman he met in the ship from Season 4) and they were caught in a harmless innocent hug by the woman’s husband. The husband was none other than William Mackenzie, played by Graham McTavish! While it’s good to see him in the series again, I am pissed because they beat up Roger. 

Meanwhile, Jamie was forced to wear a redcoat uniform, which was just downright offensive. Jamie’s entire life was dedicated to fighting off redcoats, and now he’s one of them. It truly broke my heart to see him like that. You just know he’s struggling and trying to keep his senses. 

In the battle, Jamie was fighting with some Regulator when Murtagh himself showed up and saved him. There were some smiles; however, it was cut short when Murtagh was shot by one of Jamie’s militia men. Jamie tried to save him, and even dragged Murtagh back to Claire so she could save him, but it was all too late. And I am broken. I was crying when I was watching this episode, and it just broke me. Murtagh was one of my favorite characters, and I was so happy they brought him back last season. But now... I’m just broken. When the fight was over, Jamie took off the redcoat and just smashed it down in front of Tryon. This man was just fed up!

But while this was going on, Bree was worrying about Roger, as he still haven’t showed up after going to the Regulators. So, she, Claire, and Jamie tried looking for him. They finally came upon a tree with three men hanging on a tree with sacks over their heads; they were left to die. Jamie recognized Roger to be one of them because of the white handkerchief on his pocket that he had given to him earlier. 

This was really a good episode, and hats off to Sam Heughan and Caitriona Balfe’s acting. They were superb. Oh, as well as Duncan Lacroix, who I really admired as Murtagh! It’s so sad to see him leave the show!

***

Well, there you have it! My ranking of Season 5 episodes. I hope you had as much fun as I did with Outlander this season. It was incredibly fun, and a huge improvement from previous season. Tell me what you think!

[heckinhacker]

True Damage!Yasuo x reader - I’m glad you’re evil too.

A/N: I was inspired by Ashe's cover of “I'm glad you're evil too” and I absolutely loved it. Here goes nothing! There might be some errors, I’ve read it many times and can’t find anything anymore, but can happen. Sorry.

word count: 6,311 requested: no. warnings: Cursing, as in most of my posts. Welp~!^^ + It can be messy, I never wrote a long fic and english is being hard for me :(

Yasuo loved music since forever, and knew he was talented himself. Everyone around him praised him if he had shown them his own beats. He was DJ for every school party hosted, even volunteered to be on his own prom night, but everyone said he’s fine to go and party for once. 

He didn’t want to party, nor to dance.  He wanted to be behind the laughs and screams, making it fun for others.  He knew that he wasn’t very social. I mean, he was friendly, sometimes flirty, but social? He prefered reading mangas, watching animes and making music, this was all he wanted.

And that’s how the popular DJ works alone since forever. Loner genius who was out of reach for most of musicians. No one was worthy working with him. One didn’t had enough passion, other just wasn’t it. And he searched for something. 

Musical something was found with a rise of “Giants”, or so called “True Damage” group. They had something he searched in music, but why he still felt empty? 

Ekko and girls always asked him out: -After-party maybe, Yas? - Akali smiles while bending down a little to make that ‘sneaky-happy’ pose. - As if, I had some beat idea I need to work on, Akali. - he gives her a hand with a motion of ‘stop’ while saying no. And some other time: - Yo, bro, you up for a drink after recording? - Ekko stopped him before he went off for his break. - You can manage without me, Ekko. You have fun anyway. - murmured long haired man, avoiding eye contact. And another after some: - Don’t act all cold and mysterious, ninja, while you’re drooling over some drawn big-eyed girls and come on, you have nothing better to do! - huffed Qiyana, crossing her arms on chest. - Thanks for your not-asked-for opinion, princess. - and he added nothing more. That lasted, and the longer he avoided friendly meetings, Senna tried to talk up: - I’m worried about you, Yasuo. Want to take a walk? - you could feel her concern only by looking her into eyes. That’s kind of her, but... - Thank you, Senna, but you have bigger problems than my own on your head. How is your husband, by the way? - he didn’t meant to be rude, and Senna understood. - Lucian’s fine, he’d appreciate you asking, even though you talked only once. And you’re never a problem, remember. He only waved her away, heading to home, to do his own  things. He prefered it that way, or so he thought. 

With time, things he enjoyed stopped meaning anything. For example, which hurt him the most: He was so enthusiastic for Star Guardian series, but damn it, he stopped feeling happiness with every single update from mangaka. It hurt. He knew something was off, so he thought he’ll find himself correspondence buddy. Join some group connected to the series, noone will know he’s popular and will chat about Guardians as he’d love someone to and that’s what he did! TheUnforgiven01: hi. TheUnforgiven01: i’ll let myself into convo, if that’s fine. ezpezlemonsquez: That’s what that chat is for, of course! We were just discussing which group was better in many aspects, then compared aspect to the other. TheUnforgiven01: sounds fun, i guess? but it’s obvious ahri team’s better, they had more morality about disappearing, and ahri as the leader took a step of redemption for her stars, nothing to even try to compare to. [nick]: Oh okay. Your opinion is valid but actually is not. 

Yasuo raised his brow. Oh, someone’s mad? “Valid”, he’s mad now too. 

TheUnforgiven01: and that means? i’m right and you’re not, i suppose. you’re mad abt it? [nick]: Okay, Unforgiven, listen to me now. I am longer in this group and always argued morally about everything, but plain and stupid, unexplained opinions of stubborn kids like you just piss me off. What if someone find staying by rules more morally-right, huh? Ever consider that? TheUnforgiven01: if you’d like to die just because you were chosen by some glitter and glory of first star then fine, but some weren’t, they were normal teenagers under disguise, what about their families? ezpezlemonsquez: Guys, you’re starting to fight and it’s not cool, can you chill?? [nick]: They knew about the risk by agreeing! Being chosen is one, but agreeing is their own fucking choice!!!  TheUnforgiven01: and YOU’D be fine with dying, [nick] ? [nick]: Of course not! But anyone can die while saving the world, not because of losing a light, you know? If not that, there is the risk of being corrupted, like Xayah and Rakan, isn’t that right?? TheUnforgiven01: and it hurt, but they can be saved, and by dying officially you cannot do shit about it, yeah?  ShiningBrightTonite: If you won’t stop acting up I’ll have to mute you both until tomorrow, keep it down! TU, you just joined and make a fight right away, can you give me a reason to let you stay?

Yasuo’s hands twitched. He ALMOST dissed admin, and that would be it, poof and no corresponding buddy for him. He sighed deeply, took himself some longer moments and only typed. TheUnforgiven01: sorry. i’ll join next discussion and be all innocent and sweet, like newborn baby. [nick]: Newborns are wrinkly and ugly.  ShiningBrightTonite: [nick] !! [nick]: Just saying. TheUnforgiven01: aight, ama head out. 

~TheUnforgiven01 has left the chat~

That was it for today. 

Yasuo just took a quick shower, ate one sandwich and went to sleep, while blasting music on his headphones. Way to deal with his nerves.

About your side…

Generally you’re the angel of this community, you’re always passionate and calm about others opinion, but this dude just pressed the wrong button by his like...third message? No one saw you this mad, and this group had many dramas which YOU were most of the times reason to stop, but now? Some admins laughed about that in admin chatroom with you about it, but let you be with a slight warning, friendly nudge on the arm with ‘don’t do that next time, he’s new and doesn’t know how to hang on things, ya kno?’ So you went with it. Even decided to apolagize to this dude in pm. The question was: today or tomorrow? Tomorrow sound more appealing, but if you do it now, you won’t have to do that tomorrow, so it’s now. You sighed deeply, it’s been an hour and a half, so you hoped he’s cooled down too. 

[nick]: Sorry to bother you in your “private message” zone, but I thought about all this situation and I’m sorry for how I acted, really? Not like all fault was mine, we both know that, it’s just...I shouldn’t had curse and stuff. I’m not generally bad, I hope you don’t hold any grudge to me. We’ll chat on a group, ye? 

…

And no answer. Maybe he is that furious? You sure hoped he wasn’t. Or she. Or anyone that was. With a heavy sigh you stood up, got yourself warm cup of tea to chill a little bit more. You’ll go to sleep...eventually. 

By sleep you mean passing out on your desk, face down. Your poor arms...and back...it’ll hurt, that’s for sure. Watching Netflix till late was a bad idea. Good thing it’s weekend, right? Your day of freedom from responsibilities! 

What time is it…?

You locked your eyes on your room’s clock which was 6 minutes late from time but you’re too lazy to fix that. It was - according to your always late clock - 01:06 pm. You still felt sleepy, but it’ll be fine, right? Slowly, you rubbed your wake-up tears from your eyes and looked at screen in front of you. A few pings from group chat from admin role and one private message. Huh, neat, time to eat- hold on, wait a minute. Private message? You sat up straightly and clicked on it right away. This is this unforgiven fella! After you wrote this short message you grinned weakly and went off of your room to wake up properly.

TheUnforgiven01: no problem, it’s nice how you defend what you believe in.  TheUnforgiven01: am sorry too.  TheUnforgiven01: not sure if i am good at chatting in group, but we always can hit each other up here? TheUnforgiven01: if you want to TheUnforgiven01: and i didn’t mean to sound weird TheUnforgiven01: ah whatever, answer here if you want or not, bye.

You made yourself your favourite breakfast, ate and thought about this little spam that person did. Kinda cute, maybe they’re self-concious, and joining chatting group was overhelming? You’ll answer after refreshing cup of [coffee/tea/hot chocolate], you promised yourself. You never write to anyone before morning cup. To summarize  your morning routine, the hot drink had to be in your now favourite cup. Earlier one got shattered into pieces by your unaware of consequences cat. You weren’t mad at it, but at yourself for leaving the cup on windowsill instead of hiding it properly. That kind of sad event for you made you buy this cup from that new music group you enjoyed listening to. True Damage, wasn’t it? You never liked rap, but this boy Ekko nailed stuff. You loved everyone equally in this group, but never understood that long-haired, masked (you assumed) asian man and his influence. He was there, maybe he made the music in the background, compositor? He seemed too mysterious for you, but meh. He fit group’s aesthetic, and you were sure he had his place in there, and it’s fine. Maybe you figure it out once you see them live, since, what a shocker, they had a tour around the world and were not only in your country, but in your town too! They'll be here in like… 6 months from now? You can't wait! Bonus to that: No long trip ahead of you, just buying tickets and going, you were hyped for that.

Meanwhile this waterfall of thoughts you managed to drink and eat everything, and as responsible as you can get, you washed the dishes right away, going back to your PC to answer this maybe-shy fella.

[nick]: Didn’t figured you’d like to talk ‘privately’, but whatever floats your boat ;)  TheUnforgiven01: i changed my mind, don’t write to me again. [nick]: Hey, hey! I was just joking around, don’t be like that! :(( TheUnforgiven01: i am unforgiven, and you are too in this situation. TheUnforgiven01: i honestly joined to make one friend in this group and leave TheUnforgiven01: and didn’t got any chance of meeting anyone else but you TheUnforgiven01: and you wrote to me first into priv, so that’s the start. TheUnforgiven01: can it stay like that?  TheUnforgiven01: if we won’t like each other it’s chill to just say oficial bye and stop, just sayin. [nick]: As for someone who types so fast you don’t make that much of typos, isn’t that amazing?  TheUnforgiven01: maubie. TheUnforgiven01: maybe* TheUnforgiven01: fuck you just jinxed it. 

You genuely laughed by this little mistake, you didn’t saw that coming and it amused you. You weren’t much of a talkative person yourself, but writing to someone, not seeing their face and such was much easier. And consequences of making yourself of a fool are much smaller than knowing someone from the same - let’s assume - town. [nick]: I’m sorry I did, but the moment I picked to say that was funny, wasn’t it? Nothing to be ashamed off, it often happens to me too! TheUnforgiven01: didn’t saw you make a typo yet. [nick]: Because I’m giving way too much attention not to do a typo since I want to make a good impression on you. Sounds good? TheUnforgiven01: … TheUnforgiven01: sounds good, relatable actually. 

Well, now at least you know you’re stuck in the same situation. 

And that awkward situation was two weeks ago. 

Now? Now you’re talking daily. From all you know, your, as he called it - corresponding buddy - is a very busy he. He didn’t revealed his real name, which you assumed that he’s embarassed about it. You told him what you’re doing in life generally, while he just said he’s normal, let me quote: “big-ass adult who lives with parents but work in some fast-food, at least i’m trying.” which was cool for you, at least he didn’t lock himself in his parents’ basement. Unforgiven was a chill dude and at the beginning you thought he’d only hit you up with Star Guardian topics, but later? You started talking about yourselves, about other interests. 

[nick]: Hey? [nick]: I assume you’re busy today, again… [nick]: I was wondering, what are you busy with? I mean, you said you work on some fast-food place, then sit in your room, are you gaming? I’d understand that, I was just...thinking. [nick]: Sorry if I seem pushy, it’s just that I really grew on chatting with you and was wondering when are you free again! Heh.  [nick]: We’ll talk later, then, hit me up when you can!

You pushed yourself back on your chair, groaning. You totally were pushy, but didn’t meant to - that’s what you thought, but it’s totally normal, you’re just interested with someone you just met. You chatted with a lot of persons in the group, etc. but no one had your interest pointed directly at them, that’s a big something. You kinda felt like you’re opening too fast for him too, and you had no clue if that’s ok. You cover your eyes with hands, overthinking your situation with unnamed male. When your thoughts started to be not too pleasant you heard your communicator's sound going off. As fast as you pushed yourself back, you were that fast in front of your PC. 

TheUnforgiven01: i have a break now.  TheUnforgiven01: i'm sorry [nick], I am not ignoring you on purpose.  TheUnforgiven01: i enjoy talking to you too, don't ever think oterwide  TheUnforgiven01: otherwise* TheUnforgiven01: we'll talk about that later.  TheUnforgiven01: now, how are you? i hope i didn't made you sad.  [nick]: No, no! It's OK! I understand you have a real life too, I assume a real life friends too. That's normal, that's okay.  TheUnforgiven01: i like you. i can consider you as my friend, but.  [nick]: But?  TheUnforgiven01: but you should not consider me as yours.  [nick]: What t? Why?/?? / TheUnforgiven01: my break's over, i gtg. i'll catch you later.  [nick]: Okay, later! 

Your hands twitched uncontrollably after that weird message. What did he mean? You're his friend but he's not yours? It kinda worried you, but you went to do your stuff until he has time to talk. Maybe it sounds cliché but you wait impatiently until he starts a chat with you and you know each other for only two weeks. 

It made you worry about your friend. Maybe he has some troubles you don't know about for sure? You only had to hope it's not gang involved. You were sure to later tell a few words to him. 

You ate out with one of your friends, just to eat, chill around. As you weren't sure what to do generally about "unforgiven situation", you decided to ask her:  - Uh,  it's kinda awkward, but can I ask you for advice? -  you ask.   - Oh of course! What's going inside of your pretty little head?   - So I met someone on my group-  - Nerd group? -  she interrupted.   - Yeah, that one. -  you admitted with defeat. Honestly, no matter what you say, she still keeps on going with nerd club. -  And there was that guy, he started arguing with me. Later we apologized to each other and now we're chatting for two weeks everyday, but about how much do we write depends if he's free or not. Today he said something odd, have a look. 

You moved your phone so your friend can see mysterious message from Unforgiven. She sighed and then looked at you with that pity look of hers.   - What?   - Honey, swettie… you have two options. One: he's really trying to make you think of him. Two: he really means it. You should start off with "I'm worried about you!" and tell him how you really feel.   - Okay. Okay… I just. I don't know what's going on with him.   - Why are you so moved of that? You know each other for only two weeks. Are you… Crushing on him?!?!   - WHAT? Nonononono, you got that wrong, I just want to get to know him! That's all, really!   - Uh-huh! When he's free today, you get him, tiger! Just won't get into any trouble, sweetheart. 

You sighed, then smiled at her, closing your eyes in satisfaction.  You're a lot calmer now.  "Thank you, [friends name].” You said, until you both went back on chatting about everything. 

And when you were back? You dressed yourself to home wearing, sat down comfortably on the couch and checked your phone. Unforgiven actually wrote to you first! And a lot. 

TheUnforgiven01: hey. TheUnforgiven01: sorry I had to go all of sudden, work stuff, had shorter break.  TheUnforgiven01: i don’t want you to think i don't want to get to know you, i do.  TheUnforgiven01: it's just hard for me, ‘n stuff.  TheUnforgiven01: we'll get to it, please give me some time.  TheUnforgiven01: you'll know everything about me in no time, just give me some and we'll be friends, true ones.  TheUnforgiven01: if you'd want to, ofc.  TheUnforgiven01: hit me up when you're back from your little date. 

You gave into every single message a lot of focus. You weren't sure what to say at first, but decided to just go for it. 

[nick]: It's OK! I was worried about you, but if you say I'll get to know all the things about you in time, I'll go with it! But remember this one thing: I consider you as my friend, no matter what. We'll get through your insecurities and secrets, I'll be patiently waiting! 

[nick]: And it was NOT a DATE. I was out with my friend!! >:( TheUnforgiven01: yeah, sure, you playa. TheUnforgiven01: better be good.  [nick]: Very funny!  TheUnforgiven01: for me it is.  [nick]: Aren't you tired after work? You don't want to sleep?  TheUnforgiven01: i thought you genuinely missed me, buy you want me out right now.  TheUnforgiven01: now i'm sad.  [nick]: It's not like that! I'm just worried about you, goofball.  TheUnforgiven01: sure, explain yourself even more. TheUnforgiven01: only guilty explain themselves.  [nick]: Come on!! D: TheUnforgiven01: i can chat for a bit and then go. 

You chatted and chatted, slowly getting to know his character, but he still remained as Unforgiven, unnamed boy you slowly, but in agony, fell for. It's been three months from your first encounter. 

You wonder how are you going to ask him about a next step in your friendship. It is, indeed, hard. Good question is why are you the first to ask? It almost hurt imagining yourself with blank space, nor even voice known to begin with. You fell hard for dude you only know behind Unforgiven, and wanted to hear his voice. You were ready for him to decline, but you won't know without trying. 

He said he'll be back pretty late today, and he may not write, but he left you a warning pretty early in the morning. You weren't sure why did he woke up so early, but you just shrugged it, saying that he must be in some other time zone. You didn't even knew where he is from, this man is a big mystery for you.

You waited for him to come back in your bed, before sleeping.  You had to ask that question now or never, you know if you'll put it for tomorrow you want do that anytime soon. It has to be done. It was 2am now and your eyelids were getting heavy. Reading books or literally anything wasn't helping at all, and when your body demands rest. You almost drifted to sleep, but then

Ding! 

It was him, before sleep you assumed. No matter what you did you always wrote to each other, even stupid "goodnight for later, I'm going to sleep now, be sure to rest enough." was there. 

Your eyes were wide open and you moved your hand to the phone way too fast as for almost sleeping person. 

TheUnforgiven01: hey.  TheUnforgiven01: i'm aftwr work TheUnforgiven01: i am really tires ya kno TheUnforgiven01: fuck typos in lsrticilar  [nick]: Particular?  TheUnforgiven01: you're not asleep yet? damn  [nick]: I was kinda waiting for you, you know?  TheUnforgiven01: oh really? what's the occasion? [nick]: It's… I have a question for you.  TheUnforgiven01: aight, give me your shot.  [nick]: Would you like to… agh it's stupid.  TheUnforgiven01: no, go ahead.  [nick]: We write with each other for a while now and I was wondering if…  [nick]: If you'd like to make a phone call, maybe? Or, voice call, anything really? No personal questions, just five minute chatting about anything. Promise? 

Yasuo hesitated for a longer bit. Should he agree? He don't use his voice in his recordings, so maybe he should? He treats this person like someone close, so why should he avoid them like a plague? He saw little mark above chat window which suggested you furiously were typing. He sighed, smiling softly to his phone's screen. 

TheUnforgiven01: it's alright,don't worry.  TheUnforgiven01: we can chat a bit.  TheUnforgiven01: we can call here, you know. for you to avoid any additional payment. 

You sigh with relief. Okay, he did agree. What now?? Holy shit. You were more than nervous. You didn't saw that coming and because of all of this you forgot to answer him. You almost jumped when you got another message. 

TheUnforgiven01: i'll call first, since i see you're nervous.  TheUnforgiven01: i'll hit you up in 5 min. answer me by then. 

It maybe was stupid, but you checked yourself in the mirror, almost like before date. You fixed your hair, checked if nothing was stuck between your teeth, wash your face, and your time slipped between your fingers, your phone was ringing with typical for your communicator song. You jumped, then panicked, then jumped beside your phone and slowly answered your call before it ended sending a signal.

- H...hello? - your voice croaked out of nervousness. You mentally slapped your forehead, classical facepalm. - Hi. - you heard calm voice with that tune of tiredness, that little growl at the end. His voice was soft, warm, pleasant. You smiled right away. - Damn, you sound so chilled out while I am...wow. I am a blushing mess right now, I wanted this but don’t know what to say to you! Like, wow!   - Maybe start with how was your day? I’d love to hear that. - that was just an excuse, but you didn’t knew that.  - Oh...kay. It was fine. Boring, to be honest. Woke up, drank [tea/coffee/hot chocolate] from this True Damage cup I once told you about, went out, made my boring everyday routine, was thinking how I should ask you about talking, then went back home, bored my ass off on some documentaries and here we are, talking!  - Sounds fun. - he commented shortly. Even if it might sound like he doesn’t care, you understood that he just was like that. That stupid feeling.  - Maybe you’ll tell me something you did today? - Something I’d love to do, but I must avoid that. Not today, [nick]. - Call me [y/n], okay? That’s my real name. You don’t have to tell me yours! I’d like you to call me [y/n] though. - That’s a nice name. Like the sound of it. - his goddamn voice will be the end of yours. You sighed loudly with this goofy smile. - Thank you so much. So, if not the day, tell me something you actually can share. - I was thinking about you today. - he shot these words right through your heart.  - O-Oh? Re-really? - you stuttered, hating yourself for that.  - Heheh, yeah. - he chuckled, making you forget about hating your stutter since it made him laugh in this tone. This goddamn tone. - Was thinking if you were alright. And because your pathetic ass was distracting me from work, my boss forced me to go on break! Used it to smoke, but none then less, thanks. - Hey, your bad for wandering off in work! And quit smoking, dumbass! - you scolded him, ending this “”very serious”” scold with a laugh, which Yasuo answered with louder, honest laugh. You were all red by now. - God, it’s good talking to you. Let’s do that more often. Not every day, but...you know. More often. - O-okay. Okay, sure. Cool. - you answered,trying to kill this little squeal in your throat. - I’ll have to go to sleep, [y/n]. Sleep well, ok? - No promise, but you have a rest. Thank you, again. For agreeing. - Heh. No problem, I am glad I did agree too. Sleep tight. - another chuckle, then hanging up sound.

Well, what can I say. This was the most emotion-forcing call you ever had. He wished you good night, you had trouble falling asleep. 

Generally speaking, you had a talk like that once in three days. The big day of concert was coming, so you decided to ask Unforgiven if he is interested in coming too. You’re searching for a chance of meeting him in real life. 

Yasuo expected from incoming call anything but question what was awaiting him. He was having a flight with a band to [town’s name] in next three days, so he had to tell you he can’t really talk as you both always do. When he heard a communicator’s song, he pressed answer button right away, smiling to his phone like you could see he’s happy to see you. - Hewwo? - he answered in very forced squeaky voice, which made you erupt with laughter. - Hey, goofball. How was your day? - Lazy. Was distracted a lot, I was waiting for out call before sleep. So, what’s new? - Today was okay’ish, you know? I’m not even that tired. Maybe being excited makes me go cray-cray.  - Psh, good. - he looked at himself in the mirror, seeing how wide his smile was. Almost concerning.  - Hey, dude? - Hm?  - Are you...by any chance, going to see True Damage in [Town’s name]? I never asked you about your music taste but I was wondering. Wondering that if you’d be here...maybe we’ll meet? ‘Cuz, you know. I’ll be here.  - I- - his voice was stuck in his throat. Oh. Shit. Fuckfuckfuck. Not good. What now?  -...you? Are you okay?  - Ahm- yes, it’s just that. You’re...hella right. I will be there.  - OH REALLY? - you asked unecessarly too loud, then cleared your throat. - A-and...you’d like to meet?  - Uhhh… - fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck -  Yeah. Sure. I’d love to finally see you. Can you imagine this feeling? We don’t know how we look, so finding each other would be insane, but can you imagine the result?  - Me, asking some random dudes “Hey, are you Unforgiven?” ? No, let’s send each other selfies, maybe? - Nah, I’d love to see you embarrass yourself. - HEY!  - Okay, okay. I promise we’ll find each other. I won’t go home until we do. - Promise you won’t leave me out? - Promise.  - Thank you. I’ll go to sleep, so we’ll catch up later, ok? By- he cut you out. - Wait, [y/n]. I have to tell you something real quick.  - Yeah? - you pulled your phone back to ear. - I won’t be too available around these days. But at the day of concert I’ll call you in the morning. I won’t be in any reach of connection, I hope you understand. - Uh..okay. Thank you for telling me. Good night, sleep tight. - ‘Night. 

You hung up. It’s alright, it’s ok. Nothing to sweat. You’ll only meet your crush in three days only. 

OKAY NEVERMIND IT IS AMAZING. You - thankfully - fell asleep pretty fastly. 

To be fair, these three days? Were going through slow in agonizing way, but when the day of concert hit up, your heart was racing since you woke up. You had that five minute talk with Unforgiven, as he promised, assuring you that he is going to be there for sure. After you hung up, you started preparing yourself! You wore your best clothes, made sure you look stunning but not too overrated and just dived into it! You gladly told your friend you’re meeting your crush, informing her with that she’s not forced to go see True Damage with you anymore. She was more of Pentakill person, and it was alright. She wanted to go along since she knew how “un-funny” would it be without her, but you knew her real motive was you not feeling alone. So when she acknowledged that you’re not going to be alone, she said she’s glad she doesn’t have to listen to Ekko and Qiyana’s rapping. Well, good noone is forced.

At first,you wanted to find Unforgiven right away, but gave up and focused on music experience. You wanted to be there beside him, but well, maybe he lost connection again and couldn’t hit you up. And you had hell of a fun in there! But somewhere deep inside you were worried that he just tricked you and will never show up or tell you where he is exactly. 

True Damage’s crew said final goodbyes and after some stumbles, it was quiet on stage. Everyone kept cheering or talking, sometimes screaming unecessarly. Still, not a single sight of Unforgiven. Well, at least you got to know what this long haired guy was doing in the crew. Epic T-pose and manipulated music with this sword looking thingy. Amazing effects. You decided to find yourself sitting place somewhere, staring at your phone screen. No message, no missed calls, not anything. It made you sad, that’s true, but maybe he’ll catch up? You waited. And waited.

And waited.

And the more you waited, the more you felt tears getting into your eyes. You were ready to burst into sobbing mess, but then your phone rang. This stupid communicator song. You answered up right away with little sniff” - Where the hell are you? You said that- - I know, [y/n]. I am here, let me instruct you where I am right now. Where are you? - You should be one searching for me, you know? I almost thought you weren’t coming, what’s up with that? - you unintentionally raised your voice, letting out a sob meanwhile that. Yasuo felt so bad now. - Listen...I’ll tell you everything. Everything will be explained when you’ll see me. I hope you’ll forgive me. If not, it’ll be this “official goodbye” moment, can you trust me this one last time? - ...fuck. Fuck, okay. I am on the bench close to food truck. You? - Stand up then, go to the barriers understage.  - Understage…? Alrigt, wh-atever you say.

You blindly went in there, trusting this man “for the last time”, as he said. You’d give him the last chance he’s begging for. You stood here like an idiot, alone with stages lights shining on your face. No one in sight. - I hope you’re not joking… - How would I know where should you go then? - Point...it’s just that- - Shh. It’s ok. You head to the left now if you’re facing the stage. Tell me when you’re done. - … done…? - Okay. now open this little metal gate and get through. - Wha-what?? Why would I? Securities will kick me out if they find out! - They won’t. It’s ok.  -You’re...one of the security guards, right?  - Information when you get there. come on in.  - You were so anxious about this situation. It just seems sketchy. He never revealed any information about him, maybe spread some lies you believed in. Who was this dude now? Was everything you knew a lie? - And? I don’t see anyone. - Are you wearing [your fav. hoodie/flannel/whatever you want it to be!]?  - U-uh? Yeah, and you’re…? - Turn around, goof. I am standing right there. - … - you felt your heart stop, you weren’t able to breathe. You slowly turned around to see noone else than this mysterious japanese DJ you had a chance to see on stage. What- how- that were questions which were going almost like on loop in your head. - Stunned, huh? - he commented into the phone, then took it off of his face and ended call. It confirmed that it was him too - at the same time his phone went dark after single tap, your call ended. 

You didn’t even got to give out bigger reaction. You just met him! Screw that he’s popular and hid his identity from you! For now. You ran into his arms and squeezed him, now sobbing like mad. 

- You FUCKER! You could’ve said ANYTHING! All these secrets, what for! I kinda understand but- FUCK! - you shouted into his shoulder while he squeezed you in almost bone crushing hug. - I’m sorry, ok? - and it was his voice, sounded almost the same. Holy shit. - I’m so, so sorry, [y/n]. But at least I can be honest? - Then please be. Tell me everything you wanted to say. - It’ll be long, trust me, but well. Here goes nothing. - he put his hand on your cheek and clears your face from those tears you shed because of him. - I...wanted to tell you my name after like two weeks. I got worried you’ll find out after we talk some, so I did avoid personal information. While I was at it, I never wanted to lie. About my work and my day. I just lied at the beginning, then regret it deeply, but felt like I couldn’t take that back. [y/n]- fuck- I just- I didn’t wanted to be treated differently. I am popular and most people stop seeing a human in me because I’m a celebrity! It hurt me to avoid you getting to know me - heck, it hurt me to see you avoiding asking me about personal stuff because you understood. I appreciated it, but it hurt you had to remain silent while you were curious as hell, I assume. You wanted to hear me out, treated me like I am just like you, reached out to me. I grew on that, I want… I don't want to lose you. Please, forgive me.  - I… it's… it's okay. I should call you…  - Yasuo. It's Yasuo, [y/n].  - I'll get to know you all over, just be honest with me.  You're still human and I want to be close to you. I… ah. I'll just let it out pleasedon'thateme. I… fell for you. Hard. You were a bug mystery for me but still wanted to be around me. I kept still since you're pretty important to me. Thank you for being there by this 6 months, let's continue whatever we have between each other. Please. 

… 

Yasuo moved his mask down to capture your face between his hands and kissed you, it seemed like a rough start, but kiss was soft, magical. You just smoothed, nibbling on your lips. Yasuo was now thanking you a lot, which you only replied with weak laughs and pats on his back. He promised he'll keep you as close as he can. 

Yasuo had to continue his tour around the world with True Damage, but promised he'll take a lot of day off so he can work up lost time with you. It's been a month and you wait for him almost like wife waiting for her husband's return after military duty. 

Yasuo took two weeks off, but if he'll need more -  it'll be for you to decide. You were spending today inside since it was raining. It was dark outside already, the only source of light was candles in living room. Yasuo was holding you close to himself, moving side to side, swaying gently, adoring your every inch of face. - Lately I found this song on youtube, it was originally from vocaloid.it kind off remind me of us.  - Vocaloid song? You know true meaning of lyrics for sure, tell me about it then!  - I can sing a part of it for you, if you'd want to?  - You can sing?  - Of course! I just don't use it for my songs. Everyone else sing much better, my voice is too…  - Too sexy for the world?  - Hahaha, maybe! Want to check out for sure? I'll sing in English for you.  - Sheesh, what a nerd. Okay, give me your best shot. 

Yasuo took a deep breath in, and made sure before he starts to sing he looks into your eyes. He started like he was unsure, but with time he sang wholeheartedly. 

"Though both of us will die one day

Though this life is useless anyway

When you're here by my side, you make me feel like it'll be okay

And yet we laughed despite it all

At this life which has no meaning at all

Two lonely and broken souls leaning on each other's sides

I'm glad that you're you, that I'm me, and for us two

I'm kinda glad that you're evil too"

While he was pouring his emotion on you, you felt your chest clench and tear up after intensity of his voice, he gave it out truly like he meant it.  You saw he wasn't done, so you tried to remain calm. 

"When the day starts anew, hope I spend it with you-" 

You felt your cheeks burn with your tears pouring down whole you smiled widely at him. He was singing loudly, forgetting about embarrassment. 

"I'm glad that I fell in love with you."

From today, this song made by PinnocchioP was more than important for both of you. It felt like it was especially made for you, and you both loved it. 

[hockeytrashgoblin]

High ~Part 12

A/N: This is the last part of this tonight but just wait because I have some other things to post too lmao. I have so much I’m so sorry I’m such a goblin that hordes writing like this when I get sad.

It was about a month later and things had gone a little more normal. Ema was still allowed to come see Gray but Brian stayed at Auston's. I knew Ema had nothing to do with it. She'd never do anything to risk never seeing Grayson again, she loved him too much.

As Mitch expected Freddie had a long talk with Auston. Mitch also had a talk with Auston and so did Ema. The general consensus was that he stuck up for me with his dad and that he didn't think of how a signed jersey would come across. He was dumb. We knew this.

Mitch and I had given the shirt to a little boy in the hospital with brain cancer. He was really small for being 6 because of the chemo on top of him being small anyway so the toddler jersey fit him perfectly. He had loved the gift and I felt a lot of satisfaction in giving it to him and brightening up the little guy's day.

Everything was getting back to normal just in time to be wrecked again by two new babies. I was thinking a lot about how things were gonna change with more kids as Mitch and Grayson were sleeping on me. We had started taking family naps because my boys liked to feel the babies move around. So there I was, the first one awake, sandwiched by Mitch on my right and Gray on the left. It was my favourite spot to be these days.

I felt Mitch stir beside me and blink awake. He smiled wide and put his hand on my tummy where a baby was moving.

"Morning sunshine." I said running my hand through his hair.

"Mornin baby." 

"You feel the babies?"

"Yeah there's one right beside me. Kicking me in the head. I love it. I love you. I can't wait to meet them."

"You're so sweet baby. I love you too."

"Oh year clear your schedule tonight babe. We're going on a date."

"Well I waaaas going to watch a  beach bargain hunt marathon but I suppose I can do that another night."

"Sorry to disrupt your big plans love but this is worth it I promise. I want to go out with you again before the babies get here."

"Don't be sorry lovey. I'd love to go on a date with you. How fancy do I need to get?"

"You can wear whatever you want. I'm gonna be in a button down shirt with some nice jeans. You wear what you like. We'll be outside for a bit though so keep that in mind."

"Mitchy it's April!"

"Yeah but the snow is gone. It'll be only a little cold."

"I'm still on board babe you don't need to convince me." 

"Okay good." He gave me a kiss and we just cuddled together for a while. Mitch was happy to just lay there for hours with his hands on my belly. It was really sweet. Eventually Grayson woke up though so cuddle time was over.

"Hi baby."

"Hey little man, how was the nap?"

"It was good daddy. The baby kicked me."

"Do you want to make a fun craft with me today?" I asked him trying to tame his wild hair.

"Yeah! What kind of craft?"

"A new one. We haven't done this one before."

"Let's go right now!" He said jumping on the bed.

"Okay honey let's go."

I got up with no help from Mitch who was dying laughing watching me struggle with my giant tummy. I brought Gray downstairs and started getting the supplies out. Once I was done I put Grayson in his booster seat so he could reach the table and I sat beside him.

"What are we doing mommy?"

"Well grandma made some little ocean onesies for the babies and I thought we could colour them in together. There's four so pick two that you want to do."

"I want the poptopus."

"That's octopus love. Octopus."

"Octopus. I forgot." He said giggling making me smile.

"Which other one do you want to do?"

"I want to do  free Willy!"

"Okay so you get octopus and the whale, and I get jellyfish and the seahorse?"

"Yes!"

"Okay here are the markers. It's just like your colouring books. Do whatever you want. Sound good?"

"Yeah!"

We coloured together for a long time. Mitch had left for practice so it was just me and my boy drawing together with some music in the background. I had finished my jellyfish and gray was done with the orca. He wanted free willy to look like free willy so he was only one colour.

"Are you colouring one special for each one?"

"Octopus is for Marly."

"So Willy is for baby brother?"

"Yup. What's his name gonna be?"

"We haven't decided yet. It's a big job naming a person ya know."

"How come?"

"It's just that they'll have their names forever. You want it to be a good one."

"Oh okay." He was quiet for a while before he asked, "When will the babies get here?"

"In a little while. Pretty soon actually. The doctor thinks they're going to come early even."

"I hope so. I can't wait."

"Me neither Gray. I'm very excited to meet them."

We kept colouring until Mitch came back home with William.

"Hey guys what's going on?"

"Uncle Willy!! We're colouring for the babies, look!" 

"Wow Gray you've done a really great job!"

"Thanks."

"Are you ready to come stay with me tonight?"

"Yeah!"

"We can eat pizza and ice cream and watch movies while mommy and daddy have boring adult time. Sound like a plan?"

"It's a plan!" He said giving William high ten.

"I think Mitchy packed a bag already." I said getting up. Mitch and Gray went upstairs to get him ready.

"Jeeez babes you're giant!"

"Thanks William I really needed that today." I said punching his shoulder.

"I'm just kidding (y/n)."

"The doctor thinks the babies are gonna be huge."

"Not good news for you."

"Meh I'm not too concerned. My body is built to do it."

"You excited for your last date for a while?"

"I am excited yeah. I don't know what we're doing or what I'm going to wear. I dont even know if I have anything nice that still fits. Aw man I'm gonna look like a slob for Mitchy." I whined.

"No you won't. You'll look beautiful and you'll have an amazing time. I promise you."

"I hope so. I've been really nervous lately about that. I feel like I've let myself go and Mitch is going to think I'm ugly and gross."

"Hun, you don't have to worry about that at all. He talks about you constantly. About how beautiful you are and about how he loves you more every day."

"That's crazy."

"He really loves you."

"I love him too. So much. Will I never thought I'd be so in love with someone."

"I'm happy for you." He gave me a hug as the boys came back in. "You ready to go little man?"

"Yeah let's go."

"Can I have a hug bye love?"

"Of course mommy." He ran over and hugged me tight. He gave me a kiss on the cheek and then patted my belly. "Bye bye babies."

"Bye Grayson."

"Love you mommy. Love you daddy." He said going to give Mitch a hug and kiss too.

"Bye buddy. We'll see you tomorrow morning okay?"

"Okay. Bye daddy. Bye mommy." He said dragging William towards the door. I started cleaning up our craft supplies and I heard Mitch talking to William.

"He needs to be in bed by 8:30. That's giving him an extra hour and a half after bedtime. If you feed him after 6 give him something a little healthy. (Y/n/n) prefers it. Also if anything happens call, we'll answer-"

"Marner, we're good. You guys enjoy your night. Good luck man."

"I hope it goes well."

"It will. You've got this." They were quiet for a minute before William spoke again. "Bye (y/n) have fun!"

"Bye boys! See you tomorrow."

I heard the door close and Mitch can in. He stood in the doorway for a minute watching before coming in and wrapping his arms around me from behind. Not an easy task with my giant tummy but he managed. He gave me a kiss on the cheek and I smiled leaning back against him.

"What did you guys do today?"

"We drew these for the babies." I said laying them out. "I just need to put them in the dryer to lock in the markers because I can't be bothered to iron them. Then they'll be baby ready."

"These are so cute."

"Gray made that one for Marly and this one for baby boy."

"Who are yours for?"

"Either one, I don't really care. I think I'm going to bring his to the hospital as babies first outfits. With the hats he picked out."

"I like that idea."

"Just another little thing that can really make Gray know he's part of this too."

"I love it. You're so thoughtful in everything you do. I just can't believe how lovely you are."

"Mitchy stoop." 

"Never." He turned me around and gave me one kiss which led into multiple kisses. "Okay no time for this right now. We need to go get dressed for our date."

"Okay." I gave him one last kiss and we made our way up into the big closet. I started looking through my clothes that still fit while Mitch got dressed in the room. He came in looking hot as ever and it made me feel even more nervous.

"What's wrong babe? You look sad."

"I'm gonna look ugly and embarrass you." I said sadly as a tear slipped out.

"Hey love, no you won't. I think you look absolutely gorgeous."

"Even with a giant bump?"

"Especially with the giant bump." He kissed my forehead and started looking through my clothes. "How about the blue dress you wore for the maternity pictures last week? That'll still fit right?"

"I hope so. Thank you Mitchy."

"You're welcome baby. Now get dressed and we'll be out of here."

I was lucky that the dress still fit. I was also lucky Mitch didn't get a car that was low to the ground because there'd be no way I'd get out of that. We drove a little ways to a nice restaurant we liked. The dinner wasn't very eventful. We talked a lot about hockey, a lot about Gray and how we're going to still give him attention with the babies. We talked about ourselves too and how we felt which was a nice change. After dinner we were walking around a small park near the arena talking more about the babies.

"We really need to decide a name lovey. It's getting so close."

"It's not that close. May 26th is still pretty far yet."

"Baby please be serious."

"I'm still really liking Dexter."

"I've been thinking about Dexter a lot too. Pretty much as soon as you said it I loved it."

"So let's call him Dexter. Dexter Joseph Marner. It's perfect."

"It is perfect. I love it. Baby Dexter and baby Marly. So precious."

"I'm glad we decided." He said swinging our hands. "Let's go inside and warm up a bit."

"Are we allowed?" I hadn't even noticed that we were at the arena until he was opening the door.

"Course we are. Come on."

"Where are we going Mitchy?"

"To the family room, come on." He dragged me all through the arena until we got there. Once we did he stood with me in the middle of the room.

"What's going on Mitchy?" I asked smiling at him softly.

"This is where I first met you. Where I first laid eyes on you. I heard you laughing and joking with Willy and my heart beat faster. I didn't ever even let myself get my hopes up that you'd ever have feelings for me. Then you got with Auston and I hated how you got so quiet and hidden away. Then you guys were off and you were your normal self again. Then you were back on and it hurt so bad seeing you taken by someone who really didn't appreciate you at all."

"Mitchy I'm sorry-"

"Babe let me finish please?"

"Okay sorry go ahead." I said giggling making him laugh and kiss me quick.

"Anyway then you guys were off again and you had little Gray in your belly. I wanted to be around constantly for both of you as whatever you needed. Then I kissed you and you kissed me and it all just blossomed into this amazing beautiful relationship. And now we're making our family bigger. I've never been happier than I am now."

"I never thought I'd be this happy Mitch. I mean that."

"I'm so in love with this family we're making. And I'm so in love with the way our life together is going. And most of all I am so, so, so in love with you (y/n)."

"Mitchy you're going to make me cry. I love you." I kissed him again and wiped my eyes when we broke apart.

"I guess there's just one more sappy sentimental thing left that I need to say." He lowered himself down to one knee and I started crying.

"Mitchy."

"(Y/n), you're my best friend in the whole world, the love of my life, and the mother of my children." He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a box.

"Mitchy. Oh my God." I wiped my eyes and laughed as he opened the velvet box.

"Will you now please, please, please be my wife?"

"Yes. Yes! Mitchy of course! Yes!" He slid the ring on my finger while I cried into my hand. "God I love you more than I could ever express."

"I love you." He smiled and kissed me. It didn't work out great since we were both smiling and crying but it was the best feeling in the world. "I'm so glad you said yes."

"You thought I'd say no?!" I asked shocked.

"Well I thought you'd say yes because you've said you want to spend your life with me but we never talked about getting married."

"Lovey I would never think twice about promising myself to you forever in front of everyone. You're it Mitchy."

"I'm so happy."

"Me too."

"Let's head home. As sweet as this moment is, I really want to go home and spend the night with you. But first. I want to take a picture of you."

"But Mitch I look like a mess, I've been crying."

"Just cover your face with your left hand then. I think you've never glowed brighter the whole time I've known you. You're beautiful.

"Fine take the picture."

He did and he posted it on our way back to the car. I got a notification from Instagram and opened it to find me with a caption that said. 'April 29th 2020 she said yes'. It was simple but it was perfect and I told him that much. As we drove home I was floating so high in the clouds I didn't think I'd ever come down.

[thegoldenlily3]

Part 1of 2

Trigger warning! Graphic photos in this post.

4-6-17 In the very first photo, I have a horrible tooth ache and had no idea the pain and agony it was going to bring. It ultimately changed my life and for a very long time it was changed for the worse. In the photos following, you’ll see me change and look like death and then recover. You’ll see me living life to the fullest but behind closed doors or under my shirt rather, you’ll see how much I’ve had to overcome. This is my story.

On October 30th 2013, I had a colonoscopy and was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis(UC) which is a chronic inflammatory bowel disease(IBD) and an autoimmune disease. I was prescribed Canasa suppositories and my symptoms when away for about a year or so and then came back. I had to get a new Gastroenterologist doctor because my previous one had retired. He wasn’t much help anyway. My new GI doctor was amazing and caring and she saved my life. She prescribed me Lialda(NSAID) and Uceris(steroid).

At the end of March 2017, I had horrible tooth pain and called my dentist and they prescribed me Tramadol and Augmentin. The Tramadol made me sick so I called and had them switch the med and they gave me Clindamycin and that made me sick too. They gave me Hydrocodone and that also made me sick so they just had me taking Ibuprofen and Augmentin. I started to have a bad reaction to the Augmentin and got sores all in my throat and mouth and was throwing up and had severe diarrhea. I finished the antibiotic but went to the er because of the pain in my mouth and the vomiting. Mary’s magic mouthwash was prescribed to me to help with the sores and also nausea meds. The only time I was able to get any sleep was when this mouthwash numbed my mouth and throat. For weeks, I was unable to eat or drink anything nor was I able to take my UC meds and my heart rate was high. I went to the er multiple times during this whole ordeal because I couldn’t stop throwing up and all they would do is give me fluids and nausea meds then send me home. I went to an er and waited for 3 hours all the while throwing up with no end in sight and ended up leaving to go to a different hospital. On April 15th, I was pacing the house back and forth because I was miserable and didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to go to the er yet again for them to just send me right back home. I remember I was pacing by the front door and my husband Issaac went to check the mail. I watched him and then started to say his name over and over because I felt like something was really wrong. Next thing I remember is Issaac kneeling over me and having shoes stabbing me in the back. I had passed out and my eyes were open the whole time but I was unresponsive. Issaac had ran in and thought I was dead. He called 911 and they wouldn’t answer. He used my finger to unlock my phone and dialed 911 and had both phones ringing and finally got an answer. (Fun fact for iPhones: if you press the big button on the side it will call 911 and they can track your location. Dialing 911 will not allow them to track your location.) The ambulance took me to the er and they did 2 EKG’s, CT scan(only after Issaac asked them to because I hit my head when I fell.), chest X-ray, and blood work. I was also tested for CDiff many times but it was always negative. Again, I was given fluids and sent home. They said it was normal for a lot of people to live with an elevated heart rate so they weren’t concerned. A couple days later I went to my primary care doctors office. My doctor was on maternity leave so I saw a different doctor. He did blood work and then wanted me to take depression meds. That was a hard NO! He said I wasn’t getting better because I was depressed about being sick. Yes, I was absolutely miserable and sad about it. BUT, there was something more going on. I wasn’t getting better and I knew it wasn’t my fault. I had to keep advocating for myself because I wasn’t getting help from any of these doctors I’ve seen. I think I went to the er again at some point and was sent home. Then they called me and said my potassium levels were too low and they didn’t think I’d be able to get down the prescribed potassium drink. So we went back to the er. Again. The er wouldn’t take the word of the doctor from another hospital so they did blood work again. We went to a different hospital because the wait at the previous one was way too long. So I received potassium through an iv and that is not comfortable. It burned as it went through my arm. I was also given Magnesium. I was sent home the next day.

Even though the sores were finally gone from my mouth, I was still struggling to swallow. I had my GI doctor schedule an upper Endoscopy which I had done on April 20th. My esophagus had no damage and there wasn’t anything stuck in there. While I was under anesthesia, my GI doctor did a Flexible Sigmoidoscopy. This a colonoscopy but only through a small portion of the colon. It was then that I finally, FINALLY after a month of being so sick that I was admitted to the hospital. My doctor said I looked like I was going to die. She said my colon was so severely inflamed that she couldn’t let me go home even though a patient being admitted after a procedure being done by her makes her look bad. She saved my life and I’m eternally grateful. I had 10 er visits and a scheduled dr visit and none of these doctors thought to have my colon checked knowing that I had UC and continued to show anemia in the blood tests they all ran. It all finally made sense. I wasn’t able to take my UC meds and I was taking 800mg of Ibuprofen for the tooth ache I had. This is what caused my UC to flare up. Why couldn’t 11 doctors put that together?

While I was in the hospital, I received 3 Iron infusions to raise my hemoglobin. I also had a speech therapist come in and she helped me with my throat issue. I was still struggling to swallow and she said that I was protecting my self subconsciously. She worked with me and I was finally able to swallow normally. I was so happy to finally eat a meal without a struggle. I was released 5 days later on April 25th even though I felt I should have stayed. The very next day I woke Issaac up because I was shivering and my teeth were rattling like crazy. My heart rate was 145. Issaac called 911 and we went to the er for the 11th time within a months time. I was put in the observation unit at Methodist which was in the basement because they didn’t have any rooms in the er available. I remember telling a nurse that I needed to go to the bathroom and I wasn’t allowed to get up on my own. She said ok and that she’d be back but when she got back, it was too late...She was gone for a long time. I at least was wearing a hospital gown. I was later put into constant care in the er. My heart rate had gone up to 180 and I was shivering and rattling teeth again. It was uncontrollable and the nurses looked at me like I was faking it. They hooked a heart monitor onto me and suddenly changed their tune because my heart rate was at 200. I believe they gave me aspirin and eventually I was transferred to another room where I waited for a permanent room because I was being admitted again. On April 28, I was admitted and I had another night of the shivering episode with my heart rate at 190. I’m trying to remember what this felt like but I can’t. I was so out of it and not even aware of my surroundings. It was on this day that our grass had been cut and it turned out to be our next door neighbor. We were very thankful for that.

A few days later, my heart rate was around 100 and my hemoglobin was much better. The diarrhea had slowed down so I wasn’t losing as much blood(because of UC) but I wasn’t eating either. I had iv fluids and they wanted me to drink Gatorade but my body was retaining fluids and I was swollen. That was a very weird experience. They did an Echo Cardiogram which turned out to be normal. My ejection fraction was 65% and 55% or above is considered normal. I know this is what they said but I don’t really know what that means. On April 30th, I received a blood transfusion because the retest of my hemoglobin showed 6.6 grams per deciliter and it should be for women between 12-15.5. A blood transfusion is scary. For the first 15 minutes, the nurse has to stay and watch me as I receive the blood to make sure I don’t have any adverse reactions and reject the blood. It turned out to be fine and I received at least a pint of blood. I feel I received another pint but I can’t remember. So I’ve been in the hospital for 10 days so far and I’ve been taking a steroid called Prednisone this whole time to treat my UC. I was also on morphine for the pain. I received physical therapy to help me walk but they were 3 days late. It turned out that there wasn’t an order for pt even though the doctors mentioned it every time they visited. On May 2nd, I was in severe pain and I went about 4 hours or longer without pain meds. The doctor was supposed to call them in and ended up leaving for the day without doing it. The next day, my bloodwork still showed inflammation so my colon wasn’t responding to the Prednisone. All the Prednisone did was make my head hurt sooo bad. I was taking Tylenol for it and it did nothing. My head hurt non stop for many days. I had warned them that Prednisone wouldn’t treat me right. I had taken it before and it made me so dizzy I had to have Issaac drive me home from work. This time it was just the severe head pain.

On May 5th 2017, I’m still in the hospital but I’m about to be released. For some reason my doctor was switched to a different doctor. This doctor decided to schedule for a colonoscopy. They gave me the bowel prep to drink with some clear Gatorade. This stuff was horrible. I’m supposed to drink it all within an hour and every minute of it sucked. I somehow managed to get it all down at the end of the hour. But then...I adjusted my body very slightly, and I threw it all up! I didn’t know it was coming and I had zero time to prepare for it. I just threw it all up all over my gown and in my gown and all over the blankets. I said to them, “I don’t understand why I have to do this. I have had severe diarrhea and I can’t even eat. There’s nothing in my stomach.” But they made me do the prep again... This time I drank it over the course of like 4 hours and managed to get it down without throwing up. I had the colonoscopy which they said went fine...I was still severely inflamed and they wanted to start me on a biological medicine called Humira and continue the steroids. During a colonoscopy, they insert a colonoscope into your bottom that transmits an image of the lining of the colon. The scope blows air to expand the colon so the doctor can see better. Well, after the procedure I was actually feeling alright but I had so much pressure in my belly and I felt like I needed to poop. I tried over and over to go on the toilet and it just wasn’t happening. But finally, it happened. And I was in bed...The nurses hadn’t been in for a long time and didn’t plan to be in for awhile. I was so embarrassed that I had Issaac clean me before they came in. Imagine a father changing a dirty diaper and gagging the whole time. This was Issaac and he kept running to the toilet afraid he was going to puke. To this day, we still laugh about it. It doesn’t matter how horrible the whole experience was, I can still laugh about it. Later that day, I was feeling a lot of pain and they had moved me to a different room with closer care. I remember this floor had some of the best nurses I’d ever had. Hospital policy was that a patient was to be bathed when changing floors. Issaac stood out in the hall as they transferred me from one bed to the other. This was an out of body experience and I can remember it so vividly. As they raised me off the bed, I started screaming in pain and continued to moan in pain after they transferred me to the new bed. I didn’t have any pain meds but I shouldn’t have been in pain. They were ordered not to give me pain meds because the doctor wanted me to be clear headed when they talked to me. I could tell the nurses felt so badly for me because of how much pain I was in. Issaac could hear me screaming down the hall. i was finally given multiple doses of morphine but it didn’t really touch the pain. I then had a CT scan done to see why I was in so much pain. The CT showed air outside of my colon which meant that the doctor had perforated my bowel during the colonoscopy. They started me on antibiotics and said a surgeon would be in to speak with me about possibly removing my entire colon. The surgeon came in and discussed my options. I either stuck with the antibiotics and steroids to see if I heal or I have the surgery. They said it was very unlikely that my colon would recover because there wasn’t any good colon left. I would have had to take a biological medicine for my UC which meant that my immune system would be even weaker and I wouldn’t be able to work in the Microbiology lab where I was currently employed. Even then, there was a slim chance of recovery. She said that even if I didn’t have a perforation, that this surgery was inevitable in my case. I cried and cried and cried. I asked her if I would still be able to have children and she said yes and that she would put extra tissue around my ovaries to protect them. A lot of people said I should get a second opinion but I wasn’t in that state of mind. All I could think about was being able to have children. I also did not want to be on medicine for the rest of my life.

On May 6th 2017, I decided to have the surgery. I had a total abdominal colectomy and an ileostomy surgery. My entire larger intestines was removed and they pulled my small intestines outside my stomach wall and created what’s called a stoma. The stoma is covered with a bag that has adhesive on it to stick to my skin. I essentially poop in a bag. I wish I remember more from this time. I can’t remember what it was like waking up to this. I do remember emptying my bag into the toilet though when I was finally able to walk. I couldn’t go alone though. I had to call the nurse every time I wanted to use the bathroom and there was an alarm on the bed if I tried to get up. One time I let it go off and went anyway because I had called them saying I need to go to the bathroom and they took too long. I don’t blame them. Each nurse had way too many patients to care for. At this point, my arms were completely black from all of the blood draws and IVs I received. Each nurse that came to draw my blood was so confident that they could get it even though I told them they wouldn’t be able to without the ultra sound machine. I had a nurse poke me 3 times and one of those times was in my thumb. Every time, they always had to call the team with the ultra sound to draw my blood. I had a Russian nurse for a few days and she was really hard to understand as her accent was strong. My issue with her was that she wouldn’t listen to me and would disagree with everything I said. I had been in the hospital for a few weeks so I knew what to do and I knew what my body could handle. I also had a male nurse who led me to ask my case manager if I could only have female nurses. I didn’t have a problem with the fact that he was a man. My problem was that he was too rough and he probably didn’t know it. I didn’t blame him for that but it was hurting me unnecessarily. He also forced me to walk to the bathroom on my own without help when I wasn’t supposed to be alone. I started taking walks with a walker through the halls after getting pt. Everyone who passed me cheered me on. It was extremely hard. They say every day you spend in bed is 3 days off of your life expectancy. I had been in bed for basically a month or so. After this surgery, I was on a morphine pump which I controlled and Oxycodone. The oxy kept me loopy. I was on 15 mg every dose. I hated taking it. I didn’t worry as much with the morphine as it didn’t really work for me. It helped give me relief for a few minutes but then faded. I pushed that pump button every time I was able to though. It was every 15 minutes. On May 12th, I finally went home.

Through the next couple of weeks, I had follow up appointments with my GI doctor and my surgeon. When I went to see my GI doctor, I told her about some pain I was having on my bottom. The pain from it made it very hard to walk or move or even sleep. She said it looked like an abscess but to confirm with my surgeon. So I went to see my surgeon and for some reason on that day I was pain free and happy so she didn’t think it was concerning. On May 26th I went to the er for the 12th time. I had a fever and was in so much pain. The er took me back immediately since I had just had surgery and they feared I was septic. It turned out to be an abscess and they took me into surgery to drain it. I was given anesthesia because of how much pain I was in. Thankfully I wasn’t septic and this turned out better than they originally thought. I guess since I was on steroids for so long, my body wasn’t able to fight off an infection so the abscess was very large and inflamed. I received another unit of blood and I still had a fever for a few days. The antibiotics were making me sick and I was really struggling to eat. Between the beginning of April and it now being the end of May, I had lost 30 pounds unintentionally. May 31 2017, I was released from the hospital for the third and final time.

Over the next few weeks, I was walking around the neighborhood and family and friends were coming to help care for me so Issaac could go back to work. I started to taper off the Oxy and that was not fun. I was taking such a high dose that I would nod off mid conversation. When I would wake, I would feel like I slept for hours when it was really only minutes and I would get upset because I was so tired and never really got rest. Even though I was high, I remember how I felt and the things I did. I remember trying to dance with Issaac in the kitchen when he was walking me through the house. I remember contacting people on fb that I hadn’t talked to in a long time. All I wanted to do was talk. I was oddly cheerful and accepted my situation. Anyone who really knows me knows that I am a half glass empty kind of person so this was unusual for me. I didn’t realize all of this until after I tapered off the oxy. My Dad was the only person who told me he was worried that when I came down, I would not feel the same. He knew that it wasn’t really me. I remember going to the ball park to watch a softball game with family and I ended up having to leave because I was in pain and I didn’t bring the Oxy with me. I started to cry because I was so embarrassed and sad that I wasn’t strong enough yet to be at one of my favorite places in the world. On June 18th, I was tapering and I had to have Issaac come home because I was feeling horrible and I couldn’t stop crying about it. I called him because I was home alone at this point because I could finally walk to the bathroom alone and make my own food. So I had to call in another order of Oxy to taper down slower because I was trying to go too fast and I was having withdrawal symptoms. I really don’t know why anyone would want to go through that. Eventually, I was completely off the Oxy and I was so happy to not have any withdrawal symptoms.

So Issaac went back to work after spending every single day with me in the hospital. I didn’t have short term disability because there was some confusion when we signed up for insurance together. I tried to appeal and it was denied Mid June, people from work hosted a bake sale at work to raise money for me. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I never felt that I had people in my life who cared enough to do something like this. Someone also created a go fund me page as well. I was overcome with shame, shock, and most importantly gratitude for such amazing acts of kindness. Issaac handed me the money that was raised and I just lost it. I was so emotional and just couldn’t believe that this was real life. I feel like this whole ordeal is something you hear about happening but never think that it’ll happen to you. Thank you thank you thank you to everyone who contributed to raising money and helping me get better and for all of the continuous prayers during this time.

July 4th 2017, I finally returned to work. You can see through all of the photos around this time and the rest of the year that I was enjoying life the best I could. In October 2017, I started to have issues with my skin under my bag. This became an issue off and on for over a year. I had been using the same brand of products since surgery for a year and then all of a sudden I couldn’t use it anymore without having an allergic reaction. My skin would start weeping and oozing and was extremely itchy. It also burned badly which over powered the itchiness. Throughout the year of 2018 I struggled with this a lot but I still went on living. The photos I provided are to show how one day I’m very low spirited and the next day I’m blissful. And I was. I was very blessed to enjoy time with family and to go on vacation with Issaac to the Niagara Falls and to go Gen Con. Gen Con was really hard. There was so much walking and I was so weak and still hadn’t built muscles back up. If I stood on my tippy toes, I would fall over from the pain in my calves. Standing outside in the food truck lines was the worst. The heat was making me sweat and interfering with the adhesive of my ostomy bag. Little did I know that this incident would make my skin worse than it ever was before. The photos are a reminder to me of what I’ve overcome. I wanted to create a timeline and show myself how strong our bodies really are. If you’ve read this far, thank you. Part 2 will be posted soon.

[screamingatanemptyroom]

Restricted Magic Arc 3 Part 6

I finally had a moment to write! Yay! This part is a little short, but I’m hopeful i can continue it later this weekend, enjoy! 

Master post link to the rest of the parts. 

It wasn’t a fight. It was a one sided beatdown.

Small hands struck his chest, pushing him to the floor. The boy was young, but he was smaller, and his five-year-old frame couldn’t hold up against the larger boy’s strength. He curled up in a ball, protecting his head and his stomach as the other child kicked him over and over. A group of children surrounded the fighting pair, but no one stepped forward to help him.

“Monster!” One girl shouted with a cruel grin.

“Leech!”

“They should have drowned you when you were born!”

He tried to hold on, but the boy lands a kick to his head, causing his ears to ring. Blood ran from a cut in his forehead to his eyes, dying his vision red.

Enough.

He reaches out, grabbing the ankle of his assailant. The boy, startled, tried to pull it back but it was already to late.

His hand was on him.

The larger boy crumpled to the ground, unconscious. The remainder of the children stepped back, startled as he ignored his injuries and stood up, smiling, the coppery taste of blood in his mouth.

“You were right.”

The other children were screaming, running away in the face of his power.

“I am a monster.”

He was all-alone. Sitting at the edge of the temple steps, he put his face in his hands, and sobbed bitterly.

“What’s wrong?” A young woman, sixteen or seventeen years old, sat next to him, a soft comforting hand on his back.

He briefly explained what happened, hesitating to tell her the extent to which he hurt the other children. When he had finished he looked up into her eyes, his face sad.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have been born. They say I’m a monster, and I think they’re right.” He rubbed his tears away with the back of his hand, but his eyes immediately filled up again.

The woman didn’t flinch.

“You are what you decide to be. If you decide to be a monster, then that’s all you’ll ever be. But you don’t have to be.” She gave him a quick hug. “You could be a hero if you wanted.”

He pouted. “Easy for you to say, you were chosen to help my father with the Renewal. He likes you.”

“That may be so, but he loves you, so I don’t think you have to worry.” She chuckled quietly as he rolled his eyes.

Looking out at the ground, where his blood and tears had soaked into the ground  he sighed. “I hate my power. I wish I could be like you.”

“Everyone has a purpose. You don’t need mine, you already have your own.” The young woman shook her head. “Keep searching for it. And until then, if they come to bother you, try to make you cry, show them a smile instead, even if it’s a fake one.” Placing a finger under his small chin she smiled brightly. “Just like this. Let me see it.”

He smiled, and if it was a little strained, neither of them mentioned it.

“Good job Christopher, I knew you could do it! Now why don’t you come inside, I made some cake, my sister’s coming today!”

Christopher jumped up to his feet, excited. “Elsinore is coming?! That’s great!” He ran towards the temple, before pausing, a genuine smile lighting up his face. “Thanks, Sophia.”

Christopher woke up in a dark room, his face wet from tears.

Taking a moment to stabilize his breathing, he hid his face with his arm, giving out a quiet groan.

“What a worthless dream.”

He knew why those memories were suddenly bothering him again. The encounter with that boy in the woods. The one who was in love with Erin. It had been a miscalculation on Christopher’s part not to find out that there was someone who had catastrophic level Insight before coming in to contact with him.  

Standing up, he looked in a mirror. He smiled lightly, the false expression naturally appearing on his face.

Years of lying, pretending. Of being used by others.

He wondered if this was what Sophia had envisioned when she told him to find his purpose.

Of course what did she know. For all her beautiful words she never even got to complete the Renewal. She ended up married to a general and murdered in a foreign country instead.

Now the only hope in the world rested on him bringing her daughter home.

The Christopher in the mirror looked frowned. For all that Erin looked like her mother, she was nothing like her. The easygoing temperament, the friendly atmosphere… none of it had been passed on to her daughter. She was cold, her eyes seeming to study him as if deciding whether or not to kill him. It made him uncomfortable. She didn’t remind him of Sophia, she was a lot more like her father.

But she was the only one who could save everyone.

If only it could have been him…

CRASH!

His fist smashed into the mirror, breaking the smiling image in front of him.

He was not anyone’s savior. He was a tool. A monster.

That was his purpose.

He would bring Erin back to Merion. Or he would die trying.

“Turn your papers over, students. The exam is over.”

A mixed chorus of cheers and groans met the teacher’s statement. Erin had already turned her paper over a while ago, and had been waiting quietly for the test time to be over. She gave a small grin as she stretched in her chair. Nothing in the exam had come as a surprise, and she felt that her position as top student in the theoretical portion wouldn’t be threatened in the near future.

A loud, pained groan broke Erin out of her thoughts. She looked over with an amused expression.

“Still alive, Gerald?”

The young man in question had his face down on the desk. “Barely.”

She patted him on the shoulder. “I’m sure you did fine.”

Gerald’s head snapped up, his face lighting up with enthusiasm. “Just remember your promise!” Erin winced. “Yes.”

Her unenthusiastic reply seemed to worry him. “You said if I passed, you would go to the yearly Formal with me!”

“Yes. IF you passed.”

Getting a more positive answer, Gerald pumped his fist and cheered. “Super romantic date time! Awesome!” He and Olivia high fived.

“You don’t have to be that excited.”

He shrugged. “Yes I do.”

Sighing, Erin looked over at Olivia. “And why are YOU so enthusiastic about this?”

“First of all, as a supportive best friend, I cheer on all your positive life experiences.” She grinned, “Besides, more importantly, if you go, I get to pick out your dress.”

“Who decided that?”

Her face had a rare look of stubbornness. “You never had a choice.”

Looking out the window, Erin buried her face in her hands and sighed.

At least she would only have to go if Gerald passed the exam.

“I passed the exam!”

Several days later, Erin was met with an ecstatic Gerald and Olivia. Faced with their overwhelming enthusiasm, she could only nod her head, and leave them to their planning

As the night of the ball came closer, the group prepared for their trip to Merion. The “classes” with Christopher continued, with very little success. Despite his best efforts, the only person who ever appeared to pay attention was Gerald. Frederick and Olivia continued with their artwork, making a full-fledged comic series of Erin murdering Christopher in various painful and increasingly gruesome ways. Matthias slept through each class, attacking instantly with ice magic any time someone was foolish enough to wake him up.

As for Erin…

It was difficult for anyone but her to know whether she was there or an illusion. Both ignored everyone, quietly reading during the lecture, and left without a word. The group as a whole had actually assumed she never attended these classes, but on the week before the Formal, Gerald showed up with a drawing to add to the comic.

“See this is me and Erin getting married, and here are all our babies!” Gerald grinned proudly, handing the paper to Frederick who studied it closely before smirking.

“Why do the kids look like Matthias?”

“WHAT? No they don’t!” Gerald tried to grab the paper back, but it was held out his reach by a laughing Frederick.”

“They’re pale with white hair…”

“It was drawn with black and white!”

“I think Erin’s cheating on you.”

“NOOO!”

WHOOSH.

The paper in Frederick’s hand burst into flames. Startled, the group turned towards Erin, who they had thought to be an illusion.

“That’s enough.” Her voice was quiet, but no one dared to contradict her.

“Yep.”

“Yes.”

“Sorry.”

“Guys!” Christopher broke in with a loud sigh. “You realize I was still in the middle of a lecture, right?”

Frederick turned to him with a confused expression. “Sorry, who were you again?”

Christopher then tried to talk to Erin, but she had already switched out with an illusion and escaped.

The day before the ball, Erin was walking to the forest to practice, mentally exhausted from all the last-minute fitting that Olivia had put her through. The girl was normally laid back and cheerful, but once it involved something she was passionate about, she was an absolute tyrant. Erin stretched, wincing as her stiff muscles protested the movement.

“ERIN! I was looking for you!” A young man with golden hair and eyes walked up, a friendly, casual grin on his face. Seeing Christopher approach. Erin ignored him, continuing on her way towards the forest.

“You can’t ignore me forever.” He trotted after her, slightly out of breath following the pace that she had set.

“…” Erin looked ahead, refusing to answer.

“Fine.” Christopher huffed with annoyance. “You listen, I’ll talk. I know you don’t agree with this engagement, but this goes much deeper than just you or me. It’s fine if you want to keep your own personal life.” He shrugged. “Love is a fantasy anyways. People use each other, and when they aren’t useful anymore they are cast aside. I don’t know what you and that boy think you have, but once you no longer need each other it will fade soon enough.”

“…”

“So don’t ruin engagement that has far-reaching political consequences just for a simple infatuation.”

“…”

Christopher threw up his hands. “Why are you so difficult?! Look, this may be difficult to believe, but the fate of everyone, the world, depends on this.”

Erin finally stopped, and turned to Christopher with a cold smile.

“’Fate of the world?’” She snorted derisively. “A convenient phrase that sounds great, but at the end of the day is used by people like you to get what you want.”

“I don’t expect you to understand…”

“I understand enough.”

“FINE!” He turned away. “We leave in a week. In Merion, people will be choosing sides. I suggest you choose the right one.”

Erin watched him walk away, the restriction amulet in her fist digging deeply into her skin.

 It was the night of the ball. Erin stared at the mirror, feeling slightly uncomfortable.

“Are you sure…?” She trailed off at Olivia’s indignant expression.

“AM I SURE?!” She gestured at the reflection in the mirror, which showed a floor length dark red dress. “LOOK AT YOU! You look amazing! The cut is perfect, if I do say so myself.” She chuckled. “Gerald is going to freak out.”

“You look pretty good yourself.” Erin had to smile at the other girl’s enthusiasm.

Olivia held out her arms, twirling in a circle. “Do you like it?!” Her dress was wildly different from Erin’s, a light blue ball gown covered in lace.

“It’s perfect for you.”

“I know.”

The girls hugged each other briefly, and then parted as Erin glanced down at the amulet around her neck.

“Gerald is here.”

“Only Gerald would hand his fiancé a tracker that would let them find him at any time.” Olivia grabbed Erin’s arm, dragging her towards the door. “Let’s go!”

Erin dragged her feet a little, but allowed herself to be pulled out of the room.

It was time to go to a ball. 

[itsdanystormborn]

Sinbad no Bouken 182                      [Final Chapter]

This is only a fan translation, don’t forget to support the official releases of Snb and the MangaOne app if you can, and

►[Please don’t repost without giving credits. If you use this translation, don’t forget to share the link to this post!]◄

Thanks to @soreita for the raw! ^^

The final night “ The adventures of Sinbad”

Night 182 “The adventures of Sinbad”

 Page 1

 Narration:

King Sinbad founded the new kingdom of Sindria.

He became known as “The high king of the seven seas”, and several years went by quickly…

 The “Reim empire” on the west that still holds great influence.

And the “Kou empire” on the east that unified the three warn-torn countries.

The 2 major powers of east and west repeated aggressively invasive wars in order to expand their territory,

And their invasion deepened more and more…

   Page 2

Narration: In response to that, a remote country that had a tribute relationship with the three countries before the unification of the Kou empire, declared their adherence to the “seven seas alliance”

 TN: Takeru!! Haha

  Narration: The far east island-country “The kingdom of Kina” allied themselves with another nation once again.

  Page 3

…. Thus, the situation around the world was about to change little by little.

The former boy that headed towards the dream he had embraced….

 The final night “The adventures of Sinbad”  

TN: We see a ship on the seas…

Page 4

 The king of Sindria. Sinbad.

Page 5

Ja’far: It’s unusual for you, Sin.

To take the trouble to be on the deck…. Is something up?

 From the eight generals of the kingdom of Sindria. Ja’far.

 Sinbad: … Well,

Somehow, I feel a little nostalgic.

  Page 6

Sinbad: It’s been a long time since I’ve been on Balbadd, so…

I unconsciously started to remember the old days.

…

Ja’far: I see.

Sinbad:  The way you were when I met you, well, you had a foul tongue and your attitude was awful too, huh.

Well… From that, you have come this far and grown up well.

(Little Ja’far’s manuscript: Shut up!! Idiot. / Sin’s manuscript: I seriously mean it.)

 Ja’far: Wait…!! Please stop talking about old times!!

Ah, But what about you! Contrary to me, Who’s the one that has become careless since he became an adult?!

( Ja’far’s manuscript: mainly concerning the alcohol….)

Sinbad: drinking alcohol is adult’s behavior, Ja’far-kun.

Ja’far: I’m telling you to consider that there are limits!

 Ja’far’s manuscript: It’s always that what gets you into trouble!

Sinbad: WAHAHAHAA

Sinbad: but, when I think about it, it has been quite long time since those days.

  Page 7

Sinbad: I fought against you guys on Valefor’s “dungeon”, and then we became comrades and battled together….

And after that, we started trading in Reim and we launched our trading company…

We traveled across various countries, we met a lot of people and learned a great deal of things.

 We were nothing but small merchants, and thus, now we are…

The king of the “Kingdom of Sindria” and its minister.

 Page 8

Sinbad: A lot of things have happened to reach this point but,

All of that are irreplaceable experiences that made us become what we are today.

We’ve lost many things too, though…

 Ja’far: ….

….

Ja’far: But even so,

You moved forward.

You held on to a “dream” that no one could have materialized…

And became “King”.

 Page 9

Once, our country was destroyed, and when everyone was brokenhearted,

You guided everyone, and it’s undeniable that everything that we’ve been able to built up until this point, it’s thanks to you.

 Ja’far: I know it.

I know how many hardships you have overcome, all the troubles, the pain,

All you have gone through to build up everything we have this very day….

 Page 10

Ja’far: your “dream” is still on its way…

Let’s make it truth.

To make a “world” aiming towards true peace.

  Page 11

Sinbad: That’s right.

Rather, our “dream” starts from here on.

 Ja’far: Yes.

Anyhow, we are now heading towards Balbadd…

Since the demise of the previous king, there has been an internal disturbance,

And there are rumors that the citizens have been suffering due to the tyrannical rule of the current king.

In addition, strange situations have been happening.

we suddenly received an announcement of them discontinuing trade with our country the other day…

I can feel the hints of someone working from behind.

Sinbad: If this is something caused by that organization, we can’t overlook it…

Ja’far: …

Yeah.

If their plan is to raise up the abnormalities of the world, we must stop them without fail…

 Page 12

 Masrur: ….

Sin-san,

We’ll be arriving soon.

Sinbad: All right.

In order to make the world without conflict that we wish for…

 Sinbad: Let’s go!

To Balbadd….!!

 Page 13

Ja’far:

____ what?

Although You said those things just a while ago….

You’ve immediately gone to who knows where, haven’t you?

Sin!!

 Sin!!

Hey! Come here now!!

Masrur: …

(Masrur’s memories: Masrur, I’m gonna go drink for a little bit, please don’t say anything!)

 Page 14

People: Cheers!

Man: Well, Sir

You sure can drink, huh?

 (Background Manuscript: service people: service, here’s your drink. People: Thank you.)

 Sinbad: It’s been a long time since I’ve been in Balbadd. It’s become quite fun.

 Page 15

 Sinbad: Balbadd’s wine is certainly exceptional, huh.

Sir, can you give me once more cup? I came to this place because I wanted to drink a bit of this.

 (Sin SFX: “smile, smile”)

 Shopkeeper:  I’m sorry… but that was the last cup .

Lately, customs have risen up, and our stock of good alcohol has decreased…

Not only in our establishment, but apparently in all of Balbadd.

As a consequence, lately customer visits have been decreasing too.

…

Sinbad: …. Sir. In that case, can you bring in your most expensive liquor?

For every person in this place.

 Shopkeeper: What!!?

Sinbad: Something like not being able to drink delicious liquor…. There’s nothing as sad as that.

So, even if it’s just for this moment, I want you to enjoy it.

(Manuscript: specially now that economy is awful…)

 Page 16

Sinbad: It’s my treat today. Please enjoy!

 TN: Sinbad pays the shopkeeper, who apparently thinks so grateful for receiving so much money.

 Page 17

TN: Later, Sin is out of the bar with a bit of liquor, he sits alone near the outskirts of Balbadd.

  Page 18

 Sinbad: ….

Master, it’s been a long time.

I’m finally back.

although I’ve come this far, it took me quite a while…

Ah, this is bringing back memories. This is the wine I used to drink so much back in the old days!

(Manuscript: I took the left-over with me)

 ..

Since I’m already here, I thought about having a drink with… with you master, though it seems like it’s the last one.

We used to drink like this in the old days.

 Page 19

I’m truly grateful for everything you did for me master...               (TN: I’m in great debt to you/I owe you so much)

We didn’t know anything about trading or anything else,

And you taught us how to stablish a company and the ways of trading.

That time in Parthevia and that time I rebuilt my country too, you’ve guided me all along,

Thank you… so much.

….

Balbadd,

Might be different from when you were here.

 But still, I’ll help this country….

….

The country of the teacher that helped me so much….

……..

Without fail,

 Page 20

One way or another, I will definitely do it.

 …

…

TN: Cheers!

 Sinbad: hmm, it’s really tasty!

Yay, I’ll drink it all!

 ..

TN: Later…

Sinbad:

Uh, hmmm

 Page 21

David:

…..N

……. Bad

Sinbad

…….

 Sinbad:

…..

Who’s there?

 The voice that I can hear from time to time since that moment….

…..

Who are you?

….

David: I am you. Sinbad.

The only “Singularity” who can see the great flow of “destiny”

You and I are, so to speak, an identical existence that has been isolated from the world. My only supporter.

 Page 22

You might not understand yet but, you’ll come to know that truth eventually.

And then, you and I will unite into one.

In the not far away future.... It will “certainly” happen!

 Page 23

TN: Sun is up and so is Sin.

..

Sinbad: haa, haa, haa    TN:*heavy breathing*

What was that? Just now, was it a dream?

What a strange dream…

Why am I dreaming this sort of stuff…?

..

That’s ridiculous. I am who I am, I’m not anyone else.

To have such dreams can only mean that I had quite a lot to drink yesterday, huh…

Huh?

 TN: lol, nakey nakey

 Page 24

TN: Where are my dragons Metal vessels !!? haha and then Sin spots the 3 brothers.

SNL Brothers:

1)      Big bro! with this, we’ll be able to have lunch!

2)      If we sell this out, we’ll be able to make a name for ourselves!

3)      Let’s go, little brothers!

Sinbad: huh?

Wait… wait!!

Those are my….!!

Sinbad: I’ve been robbed….

 Page 25

TN: Sinbad is looking for a leaf lol

Sinbad:  huh…

It’s been a long time since I had to do this.

I’d rather if it were just the clothes, but when it comes to having my metal vessels stolen….

 (In Sinbad’s imagination= Ja’far: what are you doing!!??)

……

He’ll absolutely shout at me, right?

 Anyway, now I have to manage this situation somehow but …..

 TN: Sinbad can hear noise.

 Sinbad: people are coming!

I’m saved! If they can lend me some clothes, I’ll be lucky.

 As one would expect from me. I got immediately lucky.

..

Reminds me of the good old days…

In those times I also came to face numerous dangers many times this way.

But, I’ll definitely overcome this new crisis, without fail.

 Page 26 y 27

I, Sinbad, will do it…

 Sinbad to Morgiana and Aladdin:  Yo! You guys!

Nice weather today, huh?

If you don’t mind, can I join you?

 Page 28

My name is Sin

I’m a merchant heading to Balbadd!

 MAGI, SINBAD NO BOUKEN END.

..

.

And this is the end of the series!! As always, Thank you so much to for reading! and thank you so much for following these translations until now ^^ we still have the extra content of volume 18 and 19 to look forward! ;D

[lashtons-dirtbag]

You’re Kidding (Steve x Reader)

A/N: This is my entry for @denialanderror‘s writing challenge. Of course since I am the queen of doing things last minute, this is up super late, which I apologize for. Tomorrow is my last exam for the semester though so I should be able to post more frequently over the summer!

Summary: Just a fluffy little one shot where reader can’t help sassing the man she loves. And of course Natasha calls her out on it.

Pairing: Steve x Reader

Words: 1.6k

Warnings: Language. One or two slightly suggestive comments.

A low groan escapes your lips as the hard sole of a combat boot connects with your side. Your arm is wrenched behind your body before you’re flipped and your back connects with the training mat beneath you. Natasha is standing above you, giving you a pointed look, her arms crossed.

“What is with you today?” she cocks her hip to the side, “This is the fifth time I’ve beaten you.”

“You usually beat me Nat,” your voice is rough as you take the hand she offers to help you stand.

“Fair point. But you usually pull out a win every couple of rounds.” She turns to you, arms crossing once again. “Something’s up with you.”

“I guess I’m just having an off day…” you trail off, hoping to avoid the conversation you know is brewing.

“Uh-huh. And that has nothing to do with a certain Star-Spangled Captain standing on the other side of the room?” She gives you a knowing smirk.

“Of course not.” Absolutely.

“Whatever you say…” Natasha lets the sentence trail before she moves to the adjacent bench and starts sipping from her water bottle. You move to follow, but not before your eyes flash briefly in the direction of the man Nat had insinuated earlier. He was by the weight bench with Bucky, the two in a light conversation as he spotted for Sam. You turn back to Nat, reaching for your own bottle of water. Nat does you the courtesy of pretending she hadn’t noticed your momentary distraction, although you’re sure there’s no way that she had missed it.

“Alright, I’ m beat.” You say, gathering your things. “I’ll see you at lunch.”

“Maybe you should shower first,” Nat smirks. “wouldn’t want Rogers catching a whiff of that.”

You glare at her playfully, flipping her off as you make your way towards the door.

~

You enter the kitchen in a pair of clean sweatpants and a tank top, wringing your hair out in a towel. Mostly everyone is already there, excluding Clint - who was visiting his family for a few days - and Tony, Rhodey, and Vision who were currently off on a mission.

You set your towel on the counter before turning to poke through the fridge.

“How are you gonna set your nasty ass towel on the counter like that?” Sam says, voice full of disgust, “People eat there you know.”

“I can almost guarantee you that my towel is cleaner than half the things you’ve had on this counter, Wilson.”

Sam’s eyes go wide, before he quickly looks back down at his food. You hear both Steve and Bucky chuckle under their breath, whilst Bruce makes a sound of disgust. You pull out a carton of leftover noodles from the Chinese takeout that you’d had the night before. Grabbing a fork, you begin shoveling the noodles into your mouth.

“Jeez y/n slow down, you’re gonna choke.” Steve says, watching you warily.

“Wouldn’t you like that?” you smirk, shoving another forkful into your mouth. Steve blanches, but recovers quickly and picks up another piece of chicken on his fork.

“Anyways,” Steve pauses, swallowing his food, “whilst we’re all here, I want everyone in the training room at 6:00 a.m. sharp tomorrow. I have a few new drills I want to go over with everyone.”

“That’s really fucking funny Steve.”

“I’m serious, y/n. We’ve got a lot we need to cover.”

“Yes, and I have a bed I need to sleep in.” you cross the kitchen shuffling into an empty chair next to Wanda and across from Nat.

The conversation travels elsewhere for the duration of lunch. You’re the first to finish, despite being one of the last to arrive. You stand, moving to throw away the empty noodle carton.

“See you at six, y/n?” Steve asks expectantly.

“Sir, yes sir, Cap.” You ruffle his hair lightly as you move past him, and Steve can’t help but stare after you fondly as you leave the room, heading for the elevator.

~

The next morning you trudge into the training room. You’re the last one to arrive, but you make no effort to get to the others any faster.

“Glad you could join us.” Steve grins.

“Sorry.” You mumble. “I’m not used to waking up at the ass crack of dawn.”

Steve’s grin only widens as he begins to pair you off. As per usual, you’re with Natasha.

You’re in the middle of practicing the first drill when she asks.

“So, how are things?”

“I mean things are good I guess,” you shrug. “Fury says he has a mission lined up for me next week –“

“You know that’s not what I meant.” She gives you an exasperated look. “I know you have feelings for Steve.” She deadpans.

You sigh. “Feelings is an understatement.” You glance at him – he’s in the middle of watching Wanda spar with Sam – and lower your voice. “The truth is I’m completely in love with him.”

“You’re telling me you’re in love with the man you’ve been constantly sassing for the past eight months? Nooooo…” Natasha says in mock surprise. You smack her lightly on the arm.

“Is it that obvious to everyone or is it just because you’re a super spy?”

“No, it’s pretty damn obvious.” Bucky informs you as he walks past you to join Steve. “To everyone except him of course.” You groan, slapping your hand to your face.

“Y/n it’s pretty fucking obvious he feels the same way.” Natasha assures you, resuming the drill you were meant to be practicing. “Just tell him how you feel.”

“It’s not that simple.” Your arm juts out to block her attack. “I’ve never been the first person to say it before. And for good reason. I don’t think I could handle it if he didn’t say it back.”

A knee hits you in the stomach. “But wouldn’t it be worse not knowing?”

“I don’t know.” Of course it would.

“It’s up to you whatever you decide.” It’s at this moment that you go in with the new kick Steve wanted everyone to practice, catching Natasha off guard and sending her sailing to the ground with a thump.

The rest of training is uneventful. The second it ends you find yourself bolting to your room, not wanting to socialize with anyone. You crawl into bed, not bothering to change out of your sweaty clothes, and curl in on yourself.

It’s been no more than twenty minutes before a knock sounds on your door. You roll to face it but make no move to get up. “Y/n? It’s me. Everything okay.” The voice is muffled through the door, but you would know Steve’s voice anywhere. “You rushed off so quickly after training I was worried something might have happened.”

A smile flits over your face. Steve always did worry too much. You heave yourself off the bed and open your door for him. He wears a small smile, but you can see the worry dancing in his eyes.

You smile softly up at him and he swears he’s never seen anything prettier. “I’m fine.” You reassure him, “Just tired. I’ve had a lot on my mind recently.”

“Want to talk about it?’ Steve offers, trailing behind you as you turn back towards your bed. You nod to the spot next to you, and he sits.

“Not particularly. Just silly things. Things that really shouldn’t be so hard to talk about but for some reason it also feels like my entire world might implode on itself if I do.”

He nods in understanding. He’s one of the few in the compound who would never push you to open up about something if you didn’t want to. “Why don’t I tell you about something that’s been on my mind instead?” he offers.

You nod. “I’d like that.”

“Well I’ve been having these feelings lately. Feelings I haven’t felt since before I went in the ice. And well, to be honest, I didn’t think I would feel them again after I came out, let alone want the life that these feelings would entail.” Your breath catches, and you feel the sadness welling up in your throat. Of course. How could I have ever believed he would want a life with me? “Until I met you.”

Wait.

What?

You couldn’t possibly have heard him right. Before you can even open your mouth, he continues:

“I love you, y/n. And I have for a while. I think -“ You want to let him finish. You really do. But he’s looking at you like you’re his whole world and you swear you can see whole galaxies dancing in his eyes and you just can’t help it.

Your hand finds the back of his neck and before you know it your lips are pressing feverishly to his, and although his body is still for a beat out of shock, his hands quickly find your hips and his lips press just as roughly against yours. Your teeth nip at his bottom lip when you hear a thud against the door and Natasha gruffly whisper “Damnit Sam!”

Steve pulls back giving you an apologetic look before he yanks open the door. Natasha, Sam, and Bucky fall forward slightly through the doorway. Nat smirks knowingly at you over Steve’s shoulder and you roll your eyes.

“Can no one have any privacy here?” Steve reprimands the three. They have the decency to look regretful before Nat and Bucky make a run for it, and you hear Sam say, “At least maybe now you can see her choke,” before Steve grabs the nearest object he can find – a book on mythology that Thor had gifted you on his last visit – and chucks it at Sam’s head as he flees down the corridor. Your cheeks burn as Steve slams the door shut once again and turns back to face you.

“Now, where were we?”

As always, feedback is always loved and appreciated.

Masterlist

[halethestilinskis]

“You’re Okay With Vlogging?” - Niall Horan Imagine

REQUESTS OPEN

(y/h/s) = your home state

“Hey lovelies” you greeted the camera after having done your make up for an hour, “so today is a little different because I was doing adult stuff and couldn’t vlog too much, I decided to do a Q&A, and you guys sent me a whole bunch of really great questions.” 

The questions started out pretty normal, asking about yourself, if you had a boyfriend, how your cat, Jeffrey, has been, and just some personal things that everyone wanted to know and you felt comfortable enough answering.

“The next question that got a lot of a likes is, ‘what celebrity would you like to meet’” you said to the camera, reading the question off your laptop that was to the left of you, “this is really easy actually, I would really love to meet Niall Horan” you gushed, smiling widely. “He’s absolutely stunning, super funny and down to earth guy. Like I feel like I would just click with him and when we met we would instantly fall in love and have the prettiest little blue eyed babies” 

It took a second to recompose yourself and answer more questions, but all throughout the Q&A, you kept referring to Niall, he was stuck in your mind now. When you posted to video on YouTube and Twitter, you of course tagged Niall. The title ended up being ‘BABIES WITH NIALL HORAN!?’ And on Twitter, you tagged him saying “hey @niallhoran let’s make a date” with a winky emoji, which you knew wouldn’t catch his attention, but hey it’s always worth a shot. 

Fans and friends had been sharing the video like crazy, sending to all members of One Direction even though they were no longer a band. They even went gifed it and sent it to him on every social media platform, hoping he would see it. Again, you knew it was a long shot, but a small little bubble of hope was still there that he would see it.

Your phone was getting blown up this morning, it was only 6 o’clock in the morning when you were getting calls that you instantly ignored the millions of texts and tweets after that. 

Wondering what was going on, and if there was a possibility that you were in danger, you actually checked your phone instead of going back to sleep. "Oh my GOD” you groaned, annoyed, and scaring your cat that was sleeping right beside you, you unlocked your phone to see 300 @ replies that you had gotten in the last hour, every single one of them had Niall and you tagged, which made your heart race. You scrolled the the top as quickly as you good, seeing all of the replies and then finally, the tweet they were replying to, which said ‘I see you @YTN’, with a winky face at the end. Your mouth fell open, hand shaking, almost dropping your phone, you had no idea how to respond to this sort of thing, both on twitter and in real life. There’s was no way you were going back to sleep now, you were wide awake, wide eyed and shaking. 

The tweet was short, but you stared at it and read it over a million time, still in shock that Niall noticed a tweet, about your vlog that said you wanted his babies. There was no clear way to respond to the tweet, you had a million ideas running through your head, from fangirling all the way to not responding at all, but something deep inside you said you had to reply to him. The next couple of hours was spent mulling over a reply with one of your best friends, thinking of something that you would actually say, not something to make you seem cooler than you actually are. 

‘How about in real life?' Was the reply you both decided on. You quickly sent it and threw your phone across the bed, freaking out and squealing wondering if he’ll reply to you again. 

The day was not productive, you spent a good portion checking your phone to see if you got a reply, and by portion, you meant every 5 minutes even though you turned on the notifications for his tweets. 

What felt like days went on, of you sitting in the exact same position in your bedroom, staring at your phone. Finally, you gave up, after a couple hours of nothing and figured, if he was going to say anything, it would’ve been said already. That and, a watched pot never boils. You ended up picking up your camera and started vlogging for the day, because after all, they are daily. 

“Good morning lovelies, so I actually got a surprise this morning that you all probably know about, which was, Niall FUCKING tweeted at me” You gushed out, unable to get the smile off your face, "I stared at it for like 2 hours before replying, and then embarrassingly enough, most of the morning, waiting for a reply. I literally can't get this smile off my face"

You went about your day, doing the things you normally did, vlogging everything and getting stuff for this days video, such as, going to the gym, running some errands and more importantly, not thinking about the Niall tweet, in fact, you haven't looked at your phone for most of the day because you knew when you looked at it and saw nothing from him, you would be disappointed.

It was getting late, and almost time for you to call it a day and start editing the vlog, when your phone went off, it was a tweet from Niall talking about how great his show had been and a part of you died, because you got your hopes up too much, but at the same time, now he's on twitter. You decided to pick up the camera again, and tell your viewers that Niall was on Twitter and you were patiently waiting for a response, but once again, you had to remind yourself that a watched pot won't boil, so you put your phone down and started editing the video, and if something needed to be added in, it always could be.

Another hour or so passed, and it was about time to make dinner, only you really didn’t feel like it, so you guessed it was just a pizza and netflix night. All hope was given up, you felt like a sad little deflated balloon. Your phone lit up beside you on the couch and you saw it was Niall again, you had no hope that he would talk to you , but you decided to open the twitter app anyway, and see what he said. It was just a video of him talking about his upcoming tour that you were absolutely going to, and before you could close out the app, you noticed a tiny blue one in the bottom right corner. Thinking it was one of your viewers sending you a message you quickly opened it only to see Niall's name with a little blue checkmark showing you it was actually him.

Where do ya live? Read the message, and once again you froze in your tracks, heart beating like it's about to explode and hands shaking. You must've clicked his name and went back to the message a million times just to make sure it was actually him.

(y/h/s) you replied.

It was only a few seconds before he replied back, which made you squeal in delight and made you a lot more grateful that you lived by yourself.

That's perfect, I'm driving through there tomorrow, how 'bout we meet up? He replied which made you borderline cry. 

You couldn't delay the message you had to answer as fast as you could, That would be amazing! You sent back and the rest of the conversation was just about where you lived and things that were around it. He eventually just agreed to meet you at your house, since he didn't want to be mobbed in public.

It was incredibly hard to sleep that night, you had no idea when he would show up, or what would happen. Your house was already spotless from cleaning the previous day, which was why you made the Q&A in the first place, but you were still going to get up a little earlier to put some finishing touches on it to really impress him, assuming he comes in your house. You popped some melatonin, and drifted off without dreaming.

Your alarm blared in the morning, no notifications on your phone, but you opened twitter just in case, because apparently, you missed it last time, but nothing was there.

The day started off with a shower, then hair and doing your make up, which only took you a few hours, and then it was onto cleaning. You started in the living room and made your way to the kitchen, making some breakfast while you were in there. Deciding to skip the gym, you laid out a yoga mat and just did some stretches, ignoring the pit in your stomach. About an hour later, your phone lit up, actually giving you a notification that Niall sent you a message, 10 minutes away. 

You went into an absolute panic, first changing and then fixing all the decorations in your house and making sure your hair and make up were on point, and also grabbing your camera and having a quick freak out before getting ready to meet Niall. None of your friends knew about this yet, you didn’t want them coming over and mobbing him, as well as, you didn't even want to deal with all the texts you were going to get. 

Before you knew it, there was a knock at the door, and you opened it to be greeted with Niall's shining face, and two huge guys standing behind him dressed in all black, a Gopro recording his entrance into your house.

"Hi!" you exclaimed, seeing his face turn up into a grin, then side stepping to let him and his entire crew in.

"How are ya?" he asked, stepping inside of your house, and then giving a hug that you almost died from.

"I'm.." you faltered for a second, "really nervous to be completely honest" Niall chuckled, "That's alright. I understand"

You weren't sure what to say, so you just offered him some water and to cook something for him to which he politely declined, but accepting the water.

"So you're a vlogger?" he asked with a confused look scrunched in his face, "What is that exactly?"

"Oh, its simple, I just record my everyday life, edit it together and then people watch it" you explained.

"Ah, is that why there's a camera sitting there?" he asked, motioning to the Gopro.

"Yeah" you said nervously, starting to get a little more comfortable, but not 100% yet, and you could tell he wasn't either, "I was going to vlog you and us meeting and everything, but I decided against it, the Gopro just filmed you walking into the house, if that's okay with you?"

"That's fine" he shrugged, looking at his team who were all staring at him, making sure he was safe, "But you can vlog if you want, we can make a little clip"

"Really? You're okay with that?" you asked nervously but your obvious excitement shined through more.

"Definitely" he said, matching your excitement and grabbing the camera off your kitchen counter. You figured it would be you vlogging, but instead it was him, holding and talking to the camera like a pro, "Hello lovelies" he said, getting your phrase just right, which made your jaw drop.

"I'm here with my future baby mama, (y/n)" he smiled, moving his body so you were also in the frame.

"I've already written my wedding vows" you joked, causing Niall to laugh.

"Well shit, I guess I need to start working on mine, and apparently get you a ring" he fawned, looking at you, "What kind of ring would you like, love?"

"Well personally, I'm a white gold or platinum fan" you started, "But honestly the rest is up to you dear" You finally got closer to him and sarcastically wrapped your arm around him like he was your boyfriend.

"You got it, babe, I'll run out right now and get you that" he laughed, as you grinned at him calling you pet names. He shut the camera off after that, and placed it in his pocket, it was your guess that he would be vlogging for you for the rest of the day.

There was a stupid grin on both your faces, and at the moment, you knew what you said about just instantly clicking was right, because you could already feel a friendship, if not, memories forming, he was such an easy going and fun person to be around and talk to.   

"You have a really nice house, by the way" he said suddenly, snapping you out of a trance, "do ya live here alone?"

"Yeah, actually" you smiled, "I cook, clean, and decorated all by myself here". You felt a little accomplished as he looked around and nodded.

"Never gets lonely?" he asked, now looking at you.

His eyes on you made you more nervous, but it was very easy and natural to look him in the eye, as shy as you were, "Absolutely, I hate having a day off and just being here alone, but at the same time, I don't want a roommate destroying my house"

"What about a boyfriend?" he asked, his eyebrows cocked.

"Well we're getting married and having pretty babies, so I'm just waiting on you to move all your stuff in" you grinned at him.

He smiled and laughed, "I'll go get some clothes out of the bus and throw them around the house if that'll make you feel better"

"Only if you're going to help me clean it up afterwards" you cocked an eye at him, knowing that he was a clean freak.

"I've gotta help my wife out if she's going to be running around after, what, 3 kids?" he smirked.

"See! We are connected, I was thinking 3 kids as well" you said, half of you was believing this was totally meant to be while the other half wasn't believe it was real.

"We’re married, of course we are" he said a little too seriously, making the pit in your stomach come back, "do you have names picked out yet?"

"Not really, but I have a lot of boy names I like, so you can name our girl" you told him honestly.

"I'm alright with that, at least I know our baby girl will be beautiful" he said, admiring you, making you blush madly. His team was completely ignoring you guys now, stepping outside even because they now knew that you weren't a threat to precious Niall, only completely in love with him.

"Well our boys are going to be little brunettes with blue eyes, and you can teach them to play soccer, and guitar" this was literally your fantasy.

"What about a house in Ireland though, I'd like to visit sometimes" he grinned, his face going a little red like he was actually making these plans.

"How about he just move to Ireland in general, then our kids can have the accent too" you winked at him.

"Now we have to actually get married" he said seriously with a smile, "you're too open minded to give up"

"All we need is that ring" you joked.

He pulled out the camera again, turning it on, and draping his arm around you while you sat on the couch now, "Hey guys"  he started, "So here's what we've decided so far, we're going to have 3 kids, 2 boys and a beautiful girl, and we're moving to Ireland, I just have to get her the ring".

"He even offered to messy my house up for me, like a real husband, so I think this marriage will definitely work out".

He was looking at you with heavy lidded eyes as you talked to the camera, and you didn’t notice it until you turned to look at him, and forgetting whatever the hell you were saying. Then he smiled and turned back to the camera, "she was right though, we did have an instant click"

"Like a seatbelt" you added before realizing you sounded stupid, but Niall only chuckled and put down the camera.

The rest of his time spent there was actual genuine conversation, you were actually getting to know each other, likes and dislikes, dreams and aspirations, and it was like sitting down with an old friend and catching up instead of sitting in your house with a massive celebrity. It didn't feel like cliché talk, like how celebrities always talk to you, ask how you are, what you want to do with your life, it was kind of that, but on a much deeper level, you were learning what was in each others hearts.

"I wish I could stay longer" he said with a forlorn look on his face after his manager told him they had to hit the road.

"You have to come back home sometime"  you joked, causing him to smile, but it didn't quite reach him eyes. Was he really upset he had to go? So were you, don’t be ridiculous, but he was Niall and you were, well… you.

"On a serious note"  he started, "Would I be able to get your number so we could still talk?" 

You could tell he was a little nervous about asking, but you were ecstatic with your answer and taking his phone to put your number in there.

I'm gonna give ya a call after my show tonight, yeah?" he half asked, pocketing his phone.

"Please?" you said, knowing he would.

"And I promise I'll see ya again" he smiled, pulling you in for a hug. You walked him to the door and opened it for him, his team waiting for him to exit.

"Not a goodbye, just a see you later" you smile half heartedly. You've known this man for about 4 hours and it was still so heartbreaking to say goodbye. He smiled back at you, and gave you another hug, and a kiss on the cheek, watching your eyes light up as he looked deep into them, then taking your hand and doing the dramatic let go, as you watched him walk down your steps, and closing your door.

You made your way back to your couch depressed, a visual sad lip as you looked at the spot he was just sitting in, where you made the deepest connection with anyone you have ever met, even if this was a celebrity and you totally called it. You turned on the TV trying to get it out of your head, he'll text and call you as promised, and if he didn't you would just call him out on twitter, because hey you guys are married.

You were just about to wrap a blanket around you  and watch some netflix when Niall opened the door, causing you to jump and throwing a few articles of clothing in your house, "Have fun cleaning, my love!" he laughed as he ran back down the stairs.

"Niall!" you called, giggling like mad and watching him wave bye from the bus. At least you had some of his clothes now, now he HAD to come back to see you.

[zaggitz]

VIDEO GAMES 2017: ONE MILLION GAMES ENTER, TEN GAMES LEAVE.

Well that sure was the best year in video games since probably 1998, wasn’t it? Nintendo put out a new console and 3 major franchise entries, basically every anticipated game of the early 10′s finally frickin’ came out, we got 4 new English Falcom games, 3 of which with good locs, and they made a new Nier? What??? 

What a time to be alive.

Let’s not waste any time getting to the list, lord knows VIDEO GAMES 2017 has already sucked out enough time from me for a lifetime.

Before we begin, here’s my lists for 2015 and 2016.

Honorable Mentions:

Persona 5:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jaIo82uT0qs

It’s insane that this game isn’t in my top ten, hell, it’s insane that it isn’t in my top five. It’s less a commentary on Persona 5′s quality and more that the games that did make the list resonated with me a whole lot more. VG2017 truly was too powerful.

P5 is mired with stiff localization problems, but even without the loc in consideration, the thematic through-line of the game gets muddled and becomes a toothless version of the promising rebellious first ten hours the game provides by the time you reach the finish line, which also just happens to come 20 hours too late, in my opinion.

What a great looking and feeling game though.

Tales of Berseria:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYXwD2CfxOs

On the flipside we have this game, the first Tales game I’ve enjoyed since Tales of Vesperia back in 2008. This game has an amazing story and great characters with a thematic backbone that sticks to your ribs after you finish it.

Now if I didn’t hate the act of actually playing it and having to scour its way too big boring empty dungeons and crappily designed world, it’d be a list maker for sure.

OKAY NOW IT’S TIME FOR THE CERTIFIED BANGERS:

10. Metroid: Samus Returns

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhQWJG-_Oco

Somehow my least favorite Metroid game got two remakes that both made my list two years in a row?? This game is pretty great in it’s own right though it has a few control scheme imperfections and I could see a switch port easily being the definitive version to get.

The reason this game really makes the list though is because of how it lives up to its title. Finally an official Nintendo Metroid game that comes out and undoes Sakamoto’s vile character assassination of Samus back in Other M. . 

The queen is back, and she has been missed.

9. Horizon: Zero Dawn

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FD0DByDxJBA

An engrossing open world, great stealth/hunting/gathering systems AND robot dinosaurs are just a part of what makes this first outing for what seems like an extremely promising series great.

No, what really sets this game apart from its contemporaries is how it fleshes out its backstory, culminating in the creation of what might actually be the most despicable piece of shit villain ever put to writing for a video game. And he’s been dead for a thousand years so you can’t do shit to him.

Fuck you, Ted Faro.

8. Night in the Woods

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2UUFFMGcgY

This game hit extremely close to home for me. Forced to come back home to a small, dying town full of people clinging to the good old days instead of doing anything for the generation after them, having this game to play and have it be said out loud that yeah, other people are living this nightmare too, was insanely refreshing.

For as much as we all need a bit of direction sometimes, sometimes what we also need to know being a directionless 20-something asshole trying their best is okay too.

Also Gregg rulz ok.

7. Ys VIII: Lacrimosa of Dana

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNgph1g422Q

Great gameplay, great music, fun characters, one of the most fun to explore worlds in an action adventure game. This game truly nails the sense of pure adventure Ys is known for.

It’s a shame then that it’s plagued with one of the most laughable translation efforts in the industry, much of the games personality comes from the fact that even a bad localization job can’t overwrite some character quirks, but this still leaves the rest of the script feeling extremely stiff at best and incomprehensible at worst.

I hope the re-translation patch is good. Until then, Fuck NISA and have a good day.

6. The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fiU65nQdZE8

I would describe this game as a great first step in evolving the Zelda formula. That’s not even really that accurate, the real first step was in Link Between World’s item rental/no dungeon order systems. 

Nevertheless, BOTW amazes with a sense of scope and exploration no game has ever really come close to, and achieves it almost effortlessly by simply giving you the ability to climb anything.

More music, more proper dungeons, a deeper story and a few durability tweaks are basically all you need to make the next Zelda game the easy best in series.

5. Yakuza 0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYB-D9qEwzI

This isn’t the best game this year, but it is easily, no question, the MOST video game this year. 110 hours in and only 60% complete, Yakuza 0 is the game that keeps on giving, with an enthralling true crime story that reshapes what we know about its protagonists. It’s pretty much a non stop emotional thrill ride to the finish line.

It effortlessly incorporates the best side story aspects from the many games in the series to come out before it, and utilizes them with a fantastical glee that keeps you with a smile on your face for the whole run. This is easily the funniest game I’ve played this year. Thank you SEGA.

4. Hollow Knight

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1unm0LS10ao

God I can’t wait for this game to get ported to consoles. I bought a new laptop basically just to play this game and the absolutely enthralling metroidvania world design, hand drawn and animated aesthetic, and fantastic npc characters blew me away.

The encounter designs are tough but fair(except maybe the Colisseum) and the DLC so far has been great. I can’t wait for all the post release content to come out so I can play through it all again on Switch and probably PS4. 

It’s insane only 3 people made this game.

3. Super Mario Odyssey

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PhciLj5VzOk

Nothing to say here that hasn’t been said by hundreds of others. SMO is pure joy distilled into video game form.

I can’t wait for Odyssey 2 to come out and somehow blow this one out of the water like Galaxy 2 did for Galaxy.

2. Nier: Automata

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKOM3lNFajE

An amazing contemplation on what it means to be alive, and a thoroughly satisfying conclusion to a story that, for me at least, has been told since Drakengard in 2003. Game after game of sad tragic stories with bad endings and characters fighting an imperfect world imperfectly and only making things worse while temporarily making things better for themselves.

And really even in those cases there’s caveats.

Caviats???? Anyway.

Ending E of this game finally brings some semblance of peace for this fucked up world where a deranged killer and his dragon fell through the sky and made things the worst for everyone for literally tens of thousands of years. Finally Devola and Popola can sleep. All is well.

1. The Legend of Heroes: Trails in the Sky the 3rd

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wld2q4mLhYM

Another year, another Trails game at number 1. I’ll be real with you, I’m about to drop a bunch of personal rambly stuff about what this entire trilogy means to me so if you don’t wanna read that, that’s fine. 

This game is basically a perfect epilogue to a game that means a whole lot to me and serves as an amazing capper to an amazing jrpg trilogy.

When I first played Trails in the Sky First Chapter, it was the PC version in 2014. Now in 2014 I was coming off being in college for about 6 years, switching majors a few times and not really being into what I was doing but, yknow, you gotta major in something and then you gotta get a job, that’s kind of what getting started as an adult is. 

So I played this weird little jrpg that was, fundamentally, about a country and the people in it trying to move on from a tragic war years prior, hiding their still fresh wounds in plain sight and just trying to go on with their lives. 

It was an extremely interesting game, for how plot-light it was in the early goings, you got to really feel the struggle of these people and the unseemly past they were trying to run away from or avoid repeating. This underlying conflict builds and builds until we can’t ignore it anymore.

When I played Second Chapter a year later, I had been laid off from a job I got right out of College and had no employment prospects. I hated the fact that I’d spent basically my entire adult life up to that point doing something I wasn’t passionate about and then got let down by the system. 

At the same time, the shame of my situation lead me to close up and not tell anyone about the problems I had, I was broke, I owed two months rent, on the verge of getting evicted, I felt extremely alone.

All this to get to the point that Second Chapter was ultimately a game about pulling out the dark shit we don’t like talking about and saying “it’s okay to talk about this stuff, there’s always someone who will listen.” It got me to get over myself somewhat and actually reach out for help, and I’m really thankful for it not letting me hit rock bottom.

Two years later still, I’m in a much better place, I finally feel happy about where my life is and what I’m doing and oh boy here comes Trails in the Sky the 3rd.

Completing the journey I started back in 2014, I found myself playing a game all about how it’s okay to acknowledge the bad things that happened to us, so long as we learn and move on from them accordingly.

This trilogy has so much heart, and so many memorable characters, and so much to say. It’s so, so special to me, and I was openly weeping when all the characters I’ve come to know and love over 4 years finally parted ways.

Thank you Falcom for making these games, and thank you Xseed for bringing these games to us.

TL;DR