#anyways im gonna go cry again now
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i kind of want to get a proper camera to take photos of my friends and family
#ill wait for the new phone and see if the camera there is enough#me every single day praying that the Alzheimer jumps a generation and its me stuck with it and not my mom or sister#the never ending story of me being terrified of losing my memory#and people that are left behind have no idea how my life looked like#and its all forgotten#anyways im gonna go cry again now#an rambles
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//LOUD INCOMPREHENSIBLE POINTING//
#marvel#xmen#avengers#marvel rivals#wanda maximoff#scarlet witch#snap sketches#//sneaks capricorn constellation into her hair because i can and ITS MY BIRTHDAY//#HEHEHEHEHEHHE i had to draw her too.....#AND put effort or whatever i REFUSE to have her cringe father out glam her#i never play dps tbh im always glued to tank or support but i will now be. SOMETIMES playign dps#again 90% of the time a game has 5 dps but yk ... sometimes.....#OK BYYYYYYEEEEEE my birthday in like 12 minutes .... diabolical...#HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEE I WIN#wait crying every time i think of rivals wanda i just remember this one 'what your main says about you' vid#and for wanda its like 'youre probably bi and if this is how you find out im sorry'#i think thats funny because i always get hit with bi allegations every couple years. unfortunately i am not im sorry 😔#moving on. gonna go to the city tomorrow get some good food maybe some comics and see my dad ... it'll be rad ...#anyways !!! ima go play rivals .... byyyyee....
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Hi guys im still not over it
#digital art#my art#pjsk#colourful stage#proseka#project sekai#tsukasa tenma#rui kamishiro#emu otori#nene kusanagi#wonderlands x showtime#wxs#guys when i tell you how SHOCKED I WAS THE FIRST TIME#I REPLAYED THOSE 5 SECONDS 38957932875 TIMES TODAY#TSUKASA REALLY OUTDID HIMSELF IN THAT SONG AND IT AINT EVEN HIS FOCUS 💀💀💀💀💀#They really let him swear AGAIN im crying#Anyway im gonna go eep now goodnight pookie shmookies
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#a doodley#i had to make this blue so tumblr would stop hiding it from the dash#anyway no caption this happened 2 hrs ago#im happy abt my surgery but it and other things this year keep beinging conversations like these up#and i cant handle it at all.#everything my dad tells me just makes me feel worse and not bc its anything bad but bc I Feel Bad#like the conversation then continued to him being like no dont cry im just saying i wpuld have wanted to#quit my job decades ago and set aside money so I wouldnt be struggling as much now but that didnt happen#and i just dont want that to happen to you guys :)#so we have to support u so that your life is what u want it to be#and i cried even more bc what do u mean. thats so sad. ur a person and u were a child and baby once and ur gonna die#and you always almost cry when u talk about your mom who passed away decades ago#and your brothers that passed away#recently and im going to be your age and still sobbing bc i miss my dad. just like i have been prematurely crying about since i was 7#the other day my dad asked my mom if i cried a lot when i was a baby/kid and my mom said no and then my dad#said that when i Did cry it was so severe he thought i would ''drown in my own tears''#bc i could never stop. like. thats still true today. ive been crying on and off since then#i think i mentioned he's just been telling me stories about his life lately and it further fuels this. i get so sad. im sorry your life was#like this. i dont want to die i dont want you to die im sad im sorry im sorry#im scared. im never going to see you again. how horrible. how horrible#i cant enjoy my day today bc every day is a day closer and i get sad
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"Spread across the comforter are their film strips from the photo corner at the dance... A full size picture of the four of them signing their team letter to the camera with huge smiles on their faces."
On the Run from Tomorrow, ch. 17
Last chap's up. I am getting so horribly emotional trying to write a note here, so just...
JNPR 💛🧡❤️💚 Forever
#rwby#jaune arc#nora valkyrie#pyrrha nikos#lie ren#team jnpr#rwby fanart#nora is on an apple crate and pyrrha and jaune are crouching by the way; ren's just standing#so i started drawing the whole shrine but i could simply not finish it; i realized i did need to draw this and while it is bitter sweet#it did not hit me as emotionally badly as the shrine did so i decided to make this the end illustration for now#i think i will finish the shrine later this year maybe#i was able to work on this for a few hours before getting too sad unlike the shrine#they are so happy. i drew their expressions on a separate layer so i could turn them off when i got too sad#they were so happy together. they mean everything to me. they don't deserve any of the bad things that have ever happened to them#this moment though. frozen in time. on top of the world. nothing bad has ever happened ever and they're happy#gods. they're happy. just for a moment in time.#fuck im crying again.#anyway enjoy im gonna go sob in a fucking corner#poa! jnpr#kina draws
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You know, when I kept getting asked "so you didn't ever have severe pains before now?" in the hospital and I kept replying "I have a high pain tolerance" I meant it. However, there is only so much pain my tiny 4'9" body can hold... (aka I am sweating and in agony bc I'm getting told to use LESS severe pain meds so I don't rely on them too much and it is AWFUL)
#moe talks a lot#i was shaking earlier and despite the fact i sound like im gonna cry#and the fact that my mom can pick out im about to cry from pain bc im trying to take less pain meds#LIKE MY MOM IS INSTRUCTING ME TO DO#shes like well why arent you taking any pain meds#BECAUSE THERE ARE TWO AVAILABLE OPTIONS AND ON A SIX HOUR TIMER#i cant take both at once or else what happens to me if i hurt before the six hours is up#i have to manage them in a way that allows me to benefit from both and being told im doing it wrong#after being told well its your fault it got so bad because you never complained about pain before#YEAH NO JOKE? REALLY? I NEVER DID? because everyone acts like im too young to feel that kinda pain#oh youre hurting? just wait until youre older#and its currently agony to breathe again but that i guess is also my fault bc im trying to use pain meds#holy moly i just want to not get dizzy standing up cause wow dang#sure would be nice if the multiple incisions in my stomach didnt THROB every time i sneezed or coughed or cleared my throat#but since i didnt use much pain meds before because i would be mocked for being too much of a baby its like#welp damn now i could really use some and im being called out for being too reliant#anyway time to sleep more because that means im not noticing my pain#im literally smaller than most children and so i do understand my body size makes people worried about the medication intake#but can i please just go a day without being asked how much im taking or when i last took it or if im gonna cry#anyway sorry for the excessive rant today never really had surgery or anything so this is brand spankin new suffering
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I'm not allowed to be on social media for more than two seconds today but I just wanted to say that Laios will absolutely have his own reaction to all this as someone who would die for Falin but has also imprinted on Marcille as his Emotional Support Comphet White Girl Not-Girlfriend along the way
#a little creature#sometimes i look at the way i want marcille to be the closest thing hes ever had to a girlfriend but in a 100% platonic way and im like#is this what they mean by queerplatonic or have i just never had a dude best friend who wasnt like. a super fruity gay twink#anyway its gonna be as hard on him as it is for us bc he loves them both so much#the most important women in his life bar none#marcille probably slapped him when she got back tho. like she just saw his face and all the misdirected anger at him 'taking falin' just#rose up and burst again#its ok tho. you know she immediately broke down crying in his arms again blubbering incoherently bc she felt bad but also shes still mad#and she just doesnt know what to do with herself#the hardest part about this fic is that like. there are SO many juicy things going on offscreen#but. i have to breathe deep and keep calm and let them happen out of falin's POV#the ryoko kui method. what happens in the story happens and what happens outside can be explored in extras if need be#edit: also just figured out why ive been chafing a *little* bit against ppl assuming that it's the fear of falin dying that motivated#marcille's denial of her feelings so far#bc it's technically true but something just didn't sit right and i didn't wanna say anything until i figured it out#in little creature she has in part already realized that falin's passing is going to hurt no matter what she does right now#bc she's already passed the threshold of preemptive grief and sealed her own fate by how much she cares about falin#so it's not really... about that as much as it would have been during the canon story#it's just that. to acknowledge that she has romantic feelings for falin means recontextualizing their relationship in a way where#she has been the one hopelessly chasing while falin didn't realize/ignored her for the most part#and she couldnt allow that to be true both bc she couldnt bear to make falin the 'villain' in her love story#and bc she subconsciously knew the scope of pain would be too much for her to handle#so now my problem is. how do i make that clear in the fic from falin's POV without getting too heavy handed about it
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lol didn’t think someone giving money would give me anxiety
#to the judge that’s gonna see this case next year and the lawyer that is representing it assuming the state idk how this all works#why has the person to say the least get to go a whole year without consequence? a known criminal who after stealing from me and being#released and again getting arrest now for gang violence or some shit she was let go? she maybe associated to the group that killed that boy#last year. and here i am panicking because im afraid to carry cash. im paranoid that imma go outside and my car will be missing. i’m get#panic attacks when i drive to close to that gym and tired going back but physically cannot get out of my car and i start to cry in the#parking lot. i’m not sitting at work shaking forcing myself not to cry because someone handed me cash and i’m afraid someone is going to#steal my purse again. you think that’s not a big deal and honestly i didn’t think it was until my purse was gone. my cards stolen and used.#my key missing EVERYTHING in my purse GONE. so many things in there plus the purse i had money and all that is stuff i paid for now im out#all that cash i’m out 500$ for a key replacement i stopped feeling safe leaving my house all my non replaceable things gone and everyone#spoke to me like it was my fault and had to stand their crying while adults told me not to use a gym locker ??? but in the same breath telli#telling me this isn’t the first time she’s done this she has a warrant for her arrest she’s known to steal cars i’m the problem and there’s#nothing they can do to help me. so while i cry because all the money i had lost and never got back i had to do ALL the work to call my bank#track where my cards were being spent at call the jpay line she transferred money to look up the person she cashapped money to call the#business she was actively spending money at ask the manger if she is currently there and if they could give the police all the receipts and#video of her there for them to act like the hero’s for my brother and i tracking her down while you all belittled me#FUCK YOU AND FUCK HER i can’t be fucking normal about STUPID mundane shit i’m stuck here shaking and crying and what you tell me later it’s#not a big deal? give me all the content of your car and wallet or purse or backpack take nothing out and see what you’re left with and how m#much you need to spend to drive your car again and to tow your car home let a stranger have all your cards and address and tell me you feel#safe#OH and for the gym to tell me they know about her she used to be an employee there she doesn’t have a membership so they don’t know how she#got in and they can’t help but she did steal from another girl that night and an employee last month and who knows how many more ppl like#that’s convenient you pos sounds like she has friends that still work at the gym and open the back door for her or just let her in that’s#crazy no ? and this is all alleged because when if i lost all these things i can’t speak on what did or didn’t happen that’s some crazy bull#shit anyways the towing company felt bad for me maybe because i hadn’t stopped crying they gave me the key replacement number and told me to#mention he referred me so i could get a discount and the layman felt back for me because when i called him i started to cry and when he told#me the price i cried harder so 500$ was the cheapest but pretty much my whole check#key man*#bad** LET ME FIX TAGS#allegedly all these ppl are privileged kids from a privileged background that grew up in a sheltered community and thing there’s no#consequences to their actions because of the lack of accountability from their parents who willing pay for people to look the other way
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#oh lads. lads. lads. lads. im being sucked back into the world of academia#i dont even kno what happened. a week ago i was crying bc i was like: this is impossible. i simply cannot do this.#and then i went into the lab sunday and miraculously i was able to easily read some papers. like i dont kno how to discribe how baffling it#was. like reading papers is like pulling teeth and this was somehow easy. i think maybe it was bc i let myself get distracted and wander#thru it. and then after that i got so much done this week and i was tired but having fun. and like the thing is: i fucking love evolution#it's like puzzling out the code for life in both a metaphical and literal sense. its fucking incredible. and my project is also very#interesting. if a bit intimidating in its scope. ya kno. just in the way photosynthesis is generally intimidating#but i think i have a strain thats lost chlf which is really interesting and my advisor said we might have the money to try some crispr for#my cyano children. hypothetically. maybe. and i get to do some poking around in genomes. theres so so much to love there#how could i possibly want to do anything else? and yet. and yet. here at the end of the week im so wrung out and i kno i just have to start#again on sunday and i kno im gonna have to step it up in terms of reading if i want to make it through a committee meeting and proposal#defense. not to even mention a comprehensive exam. and what do i get at the end of all this? a lifetime of academia draining my life away.#bc what i do is so academic. so whats the point? its just so frustrating.#and on top of that ive got all this data from my old lab that i kno i have to work on. and i will. i will. but with what time?#anyway the point is. i can see a path forward now where i stay here and decide the pain will be worth it despite not knowing where im going#after that. im just so tried#but right now it feels like im gonna stay until someone kicks me out#but that doesnt exactly make me feel happy. ugh. but if i stay i want to get my old pi to come here and give a seminar. ill warn her how#intimidating the department is tho. we've had 2 talks in the last 2 weeks that were... not good. particularly the one this week#like she couldnt answer a single question they thru at her and didnt seem to kno her data sets. it was hard to watch. anyway. i just want#to see my academic mother again. send me back to the desert! let me rot in a field full of sage#but send me back to the hills of an older mountain range. where i can climb sandstone cliffs and lay in carpets of moss. except i wouldnt do#that bc of all the ticks and threat of lyme disease...#anyway. im still tired. still sad. and there doesnt seem to b a way out#unrelated
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something about being told im 'the leading person at this whole academy when it comes to interpretation and stage intelligence' by the husband of the woman im trying (not really. but i mean. who knows) to seduce... ok boy you got me. lets make it a polycule.
#im playing it all cool and funny now but atm i legit burst into tears lol#like he said i have a 'good voice too of course' but i know realistically that is not my strongest asset#and even if i were technically perfect. which im NOT lol. the voice itself is just nothing special. it's there ig but that's about it#but its nice to know i may not be 100% useless after all#(just 90%)#also apparently the most feared and respected professor who came to the concert said. again. that he likes me the most.#which again. crying real actual tears about this all rn this means literally the world to me this is everything i have#and i have no one to share this with because im not gonna say it to my uni friend cause i dont want her to feel like im boasting or sth#(even tho she has no such qualms herself but probably because i know how. not great. it feels when someone keeps talking about themselves#and about how great they are and how easy everything is for them. i dont wanna do it back at her.#well there's also the fact that i dont think im great and this is not fucking easy to me at all lol#but idk i think the difference between us is that she actually admitted she sees no point in singing if she cant show off (thus she hates#the duet we're singing because she sings the lower part and cant show off her high notes or coloratura.#which is like. an insane take to me. i mean it i get it. kinda. if i had a voice like hers maybe id be like that too fuck knows.#but that just feels so. idk. sad to me. so self obsessed and empty. like you dont care about the music itself? about you being a part of it?#also immediately made singing with her not fun anymore. i thought we were creating something TOGETHER. but thanks for the confirmation#that you only really care about being 'better than'. yikes.#like idk this behaviour is funny and iconic in old school opera legends like yes go bite each others dicks off.#but it hits completely different when it's your own colleague let alone your friend. like damn girl. damn)#) anyway. the husband is kinda hot too now that i think of it. i really should seduce them both.#except its realistically not possible since they've both seen me cry now (she saw it like a hundred times lol)#so ive lost the hot and mysterious card alas. no uni professors romance for me
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going through my photos and its like wow…. august through october was a fucking nightmare for me
#jc’s cawing#i dony really regret being in those servers but like ???#for context i screenshotted everytime my crush at the time texted me something that i thought seemed romantic#because i feared it would block me once i actually told it#and so i could cry about it on my side blog that i had#always gotta assume the worst of people!!!#anyways#i just??? idk man#maybe im not used to friends being really affectionate???#i think i just get attracted to people way too easily#im very picky with the people i like and when i DO like someone i get way too attached to them#or maybe im right saying that asking me to be a character that you called gay for another character is gonna make me think you want me#(it was sherlock and watson btw)#like you sent a video that had the desc ‘i want a gf/bf so bad’ ???#AM I CRAZY. AM I CRAZY FOR THINKING IT WANTED ME.#all the ‘i thought of you’s as well….#thats my number one weakness#if you tell me you thought of me while i was gone i will instantly fold#i would show the screenshots but i dont hate it that much to show private conversations#anyways!!#looking through different stuff now because i need closure from that shit#the funniest person in that server was snips oh my fucking god im crying#‘No... Chachi...WE CAN'T LET OUR ALPHA DIE’ HELLO????? 😭😭#‘THE DOCTOR AND MY PARENTS WERE NOT LOOKSMAXXING’ ??? 😭😭#from merro btw#‘instead of suicide you just fruited everywhere’ thank you for your wonderful commentary charlie 😭😭#THE UQUIZ REPUBLICAN RESULT?????#‘JC >!??! MORE LIKE BETRAY ME >?!?? top 10 jokes that make more sense when you say them out loud’ 😭😭#dude where the fuck did merro go#they just disappeared one day and i never saw them again
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Was finally gonna do art today but NOPE something weird is going on with my med school lab work and now I have to figure it out AND I also don't know if I'm even supposed to go tomorrow because I CANT REMEMBER IF I EVEN SIGNED UP but ALSO I HAVE ANOTHER LAB THATS THE SAME ONE IVE ALREADY DONE TWICE !!! You're only supposed to do a lab TWICE I am fully, FULLY AWARE I've done this lab twice but my shitty brain is being shitty and now everything sucks and of course my mom thinks I'm gonna have to re enroll because reasons completely out of my control but COMPLETELY in hers ffs if I make it through this week without having a complete mental break I'm gonna fucking celebrate
#holly rambles#sorry. im not super upset just. annoyed. aggravated#prommy im not about to cry! oof. school. if only id gone to public school id be more socially trained#i see an average of maybe . 7 people a week . as you can imagine i have now irl friends LMAO#im fine. its fine. i am going to get through this#anyway i wanna draw mikebit again hnnng. plus that zelda comic is. gonna be a while / might never be finished/ depends on how mt adhd feels
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reminder that if you can't feel your ribs compressing your organs and can breathe and sleep and exist without being in pain that you are doing good on that front rn. in an "appreciating how good it is to not be congested only when you're congested" kind of way
#i am. in pain#that pectus is excavating TOO MUCH#skipping a class (again) bc 1) pain 2) cant finish the reading bc too little time + pain + so tired i feel like im gonna cry#which is completely unwareanted but whatever#and now that jve sent the email resigned to only going to one class today i. can't sleep bc of the pain#i have THREE quizzes in that class I NRED TO SLEEP#but the pain. arghh#ibuprofen you can kick in at any time just saying#bc every time i try to sleep I end up focusing on not breathing too much or too little bc otherwise it gets worse#(like that saw vi trap......................... (<- not that much like it))#anyway. minor hells and all#but i can't just ignore it bc then the pain will wake me. it's just enough within my control for that#but not enough that i can really do anything to make it better
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oh im gonna hsdgfjk
okay so three+ months ago i discovered I had a Fun Condition called perioral dermatitis. basically, just this Extraordinarily persistent face rash that looks like a bunch of small pustules in a circle around my mouth, but it also went around my nose and eyes. reacts to literally fucking Everything, deeply annoying to treat, even with antibiotics it takes weeks but usually months to clear. causes are ?? can be anything from inhaled steroids, face cream, toothpaste, hormones, etc. basically impossible to pinpoint. i have some guesses about what triggered it but ofc no real way to know for sure.
i go on 90 days of antibiotics. cool, whatever, condition dissipates but doesn't go away entirely. i think nothing of this bc I know even With oral antibiotics, it can still take months.
halfway through this treatment i develop arthritic symptoms. i also think nothing of this bc I have Some sort of illness undiagnosed anyway + family members have it so while I am definitely not happy w this development, I'm resigned.
i finish the pills.
less than 24 hours later, dermatitis has Returned. i know that allowing this to happen makes it worse and last longer. i cannot stress enough how bad it will be for my mental health if this happens. yes this probably sounds overly dramatic but I'm pretty sure watching my face flare up in any way is a legitimate trigger atp after dealing with cystic acne.
anyway. i book an appointment with my gp bc the pharmacist cannot refill the antibiotics. great except the appointment is at the End Of The Month, and I know this is going to be bad in a few days time. like, in the last few hours the inflammation has already accelerated, who knows how bad it'll be then, I'm assuming it'll be like I never even took the pills to start with. i am going to have a nervous breakdown.
mysteriously, the arthritis symptoms have Also started to decrease after stopping the antibiotics. that's weird, I think, that wasn't brought up in the list of side effects when I asked, but the timing is literally exactly when my face started flaring up so I know I definitely don't have those in my system anymore. i look this up, to see if there's a link.
'''acute polyarthritis''' also described as 'drug-induced lupus' are you Fucking Kidding Me
so i am now back as Square Fucking one for this shit, my skin is about to be so goddamn inflamed & I apparently can't even take the drug that was working to clear it up. because it causes inflammation in my joints.
and like i cant really express properly how mad this makes me lmfao because of Course. i spend a solid year on Accutane finally after being deterred for nearly a decade, i get maybe 4 months of enjoying my skin after I'm off of it and then This Shit. can i win?? can i Fucking win??????? no one else in my genepool seems to deal with this shit its just me and ohhh my god i am This close to walking straight into the ocean.
#the frustration is actually getting to me.#like. holy fucking christ.#and for what??? for WHAT.#i havent even been really going out or wearing makeup At All bc its the internship semester so !!! there was No Fucking Reason for my skin#to react to ANYTHING in the first place#its so shallow i feel so stupid but like I've actually cried multiple times over this#n o t h i n g i do works. every treatment every attempt it doesnt matter#it TANKS how i feel about myself. i cant help it.#and like idk what to do!!!!#looks like im gonna try to see a derm again but that's always a multi-month waiting process.#the thought of still looking like this when I graduate is so so upsetting. i want Pictures I want to look good. please?? fucking please???#thats several months away now but the timeline for curing this is so slow and that's assuming your treatment works anyway.#90 days of an antibiotic Should have done it idk whats wrong with me#anyway fgfhjh i Am going to cry now lmao I hate this.
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#horrible awful no good very bad day#apparently last night the apartment below ours caught fire and we were out of town#and we didnt find out til several hours later from our neighbor who had to track me down on facebook- we didnt hear a thing#from the apartment in any official capacity until like? 10 hours after the fire?#anyway we rushed home supremely early from a friend trip that was like#meant to be very good and fun#anyway so we rush home because no one can tell us if our cats are okay#and they were but our whole apartment is supremely smoky and all of our possessions are extremely smoky#and we cant stay there or let the cats stay there because of the smoke and soot and particles it just doesnt feel safe#so now im in my partners familys house which is like#fine but its full of people and i dont feel fully comfortable and i cant fully relax and and and and and etc etc etc etc#and tomorrow i have to wake up early and go over there and find out what if anything the complex plans to do about it and how long its gonna#be until we can come back safely. or more likely get more noncommittal answers and be unsure#and i dont know how long i can stay here and be normal#AND to top it all off i paid like 60$ to go to an aquarium i didnt even get to go to . but yknow. all of my friends got to !#and like im happy for them but no one was excited as i was and now i get to ruminate on how everyone got to do the fun thing i love#while i was stuck doing 17 loads of laundry and bathing the soot out of my cats fur in someone elses house#certainly it could be worse and im glad my cats are fine and im glad its just smoke damage and not yknow. Burn damage#but im having a sad little pity party anyway because i was supposed to have an amazing beautiful day ending in a relaxing evening#in my own home#and now i have to cope with all of this instead. all i want to do is cry#and also like. im scared we will have to move#but im also scared we wont... because like#i think it was a gas issue. and knowing that that happened in my building? and also knowing how much landlords love to halfass#repairs and everything else#i just dont know how safe i will feel there#even if they tell me its fine#anyway sorry for the tag vent post again my old ways will never die#ghost posts
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it's gonna be so over for me once i finally get to see wicked life
#as soon as i hear those trumpets i just know im either gonna start internally exploding from not being able to scream or ill just#straight up sob#im not even talking about the movie im talking about the musical#relistening to no one mourns the wicked again and getting fucked up thinking about glinda#'goodness knows the wicked's lives are lonely/ goodness knows the wicked cry alone' SHES TALKING ABOUT HERSEEELLFFF AAAFGGHHHFSGDFSD#oh glindaaaaaaa#now i myself do not think glinda is 'wicked'#i dont think anyone in the story is#but it IS a story about what it means to be wicked#glinda was always the 'good' one#but now at the end. who is alone. who cries alone.#GFGAFDSFGAFDJBHAC#me when the award winning cultural icon musical is really good#my first ? musical obsession and ITS GOING STRONG#its just latent. like so many other things. i am if nothing else a storage of love and enthusiasm for Things.#anyways#bluebird.txt#wicked#she died alone...
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