#anyways idk why i started spiraling over that but yeah !

[satoruxx]

me when i remember my name isn’t rheya….

[jackass-jones]

My ass was trying so hard not to jump up and down with glee playing yttd with my sister and getting to the shin reveal I was like MY GUY MY FUNNY LAD MY SILLY RABBIT

[chisatowo]

Rotates Wendy gender moments in my head at rapid speeds

[yearnlark]

.

[crackhead4]

I had this idea in my head about an AU from the new transformers one movie.

So you know how the planet is made by this basically higher entity? God? Idk, and they probably knew what exactly was happening on this planet cause , well, they ARE the planet.

What happens if they weren't happy with the outcome of the end of the movie? What happens if they send some back in time with their memory intact completely? They knew exactly what happens, where everyone is like they can feel a bug on their own body. They remember the exact events that made their time line their own, even if they weren't involved in these events.

Now imagine, the obvious choice would be Optimus Prime because of the matrix and stuff, BUT now hold on, IF IT WASN'T HIM. not to like be nice to do the poor guy like noooo. I feel like this AU he should also keep his memories. However, he doesn't know that their HIS memories. That he has these very life like (or robot like?) dreams while he sleeps. He doesn't know why he has them, he doesn't know how they started, why this is only happening to him, he doesn't want to know why this look alike D-16 doesn't act like HIS D-16 and he doesn't even know why his brain ( or is it like brain panel or smth) us making up thus crazy conspiracy theory about Sentinel Prime. All he does know, however, is something in his veins ( I'm not even attempting to try and guess the robot version of veins) is telling him to stay close to HIS D-16. He probably thinks he's going crazy but is lole really good at hiding it, so he goes down to like the archeives to see what the answer is to allllll his questions and dream problem.

ANYWAY (I swerved very off topic) the mech I want to see spiral themselves in the future is D-16, not because there are probably better options like Elita or Bee or hell even Sentinel Prime would be a crazy thing to happen. I WANT TO SEE THIS MAN SUFFER, THAYS WHY.

Because just imagine how Megatron must feel after the movies, it would be perfect and so goddamn MESSY. He probably in grief with losing his best friend/lover (cause we all saw what was going on), then seeing and believing the fact that the matrix is using his dead best friend/lover's body as a way to beat him, having to battle the guilt he must feel for letting go of Orion while he battles this Optimus Prime wear that wears Orion's skin and THEN getting banished by his only home, taking over and leading a whole revolution army on the same night AND THUS (and yes that wasn't a type-o that says THUS) creating THE most depressing, heartbreaking, dramatic, bloody divorce in the history of Cybroton have ever seen.

So now you can see why I want to just pull this mindset and just plop it right back into D-16, the cogless miner. He restarts again from the very beginning, with Orion waking him up, saying he has an idea. The utter carnage and chaos that would ensue would be beyond my imagination right now at like 9:07 at night.

BUT YEAH CIRCLE BACK to the fact that I said they would remember every major event that caused their timeliness to be THEIR timeline, which would mean Megatron would remember everything that happened. He would remember Sentinel Prime's betrayal not just like D-16 but as the Primes the crime wqs committed to. He would feel it like Alphatrion, Megatronus and etc. He would feel the utter rage that Sentinel had when the matrix didn't choose him as the leader and faded right in his hands. He would feel the detach when Airachnid would feel when watching over Sentinel's shoulder and seeing exactly what he does and seeing nothing wrong with it.

HE WOULD FEEL SO MUCH AND I COUPD GO ON AND ON AND ON ABOUT, THIS BUT ANWAY-

I just really want to see what fanfic writers would make if given this prompt cause it's been on Mt mind and he'll I've thought about writing it about like inec as was like Hell no cause I know it would be atrocious to read.

Plus, I really wanted to get this idea just onto something, at least to get it out of my brain but now i don't think that's gonna happen cause now I'm gonna be daydreaming about how other people would work this story idea 😭😭.

BUT YH IF ANYONE IS GONNA MAKE THIS PLEASE TAG BE IN IT SO I COULD READ IT 🙏🙏🙏🙏

[cookiepie111]

Bite me. Love me

König x black reader

Part 2

A/N-He's weird a walking red flag but the red flags are hazy almost like they're not there? Like a marage. His red flags are something you quite can't put a finger on at first until you realise it's everything it's the sum of all he's doing. A good boyfriend but a bit strange Idk he's sort of a you gotta get uncomfortable before you get comfortable

For me könig a bit of a strange man a man. He kinda understands social cues, but sometimes gets them a bit wrong. he slightly pushes your boutons and boundaries to see what he can get away with and how he can squeeze you

It's kinda like he has you in his teeth but he's not actually biting down, just grinding and rolling you in-between his teeth, he likes it and you're 'safe' that way, he wouldn't actually hurt you

Listen, sorry for all that yapping, but you needed to hear it. Anyway, a longer/second part to könig failed flirting attempt.Please like, reblog, and comment. Not proofread

Tag list: @thatmusedhatter @himboelover @canyonswft13 @montenegroisr @kneelingshadowsalome @havikshoochiemama @wordstome @lanalafey

You lost a bag that's cool, that's fine, although wouldn't call it lost, stolen more like given? Bag was practically thrown it into the robbers' hands. self-preservation above all else.

You couldn't focus on a single thing. Thoughts and worries tangle in your head as you recall the past events in your kitchen. You survive all that time back home, not getting robbed, only for your black ass to be robbed in a cafe in Austria!

'Come to Austria they said it'll be fun they said!'

ID, cards, money, everything in that bag gone. Thrown to the hands of a strange man. Why you. You'd have to go to the police, file a report, call the bank, and freeze your cards. "Aghhh!" All you could do was drop the floor and cry.

Surprisingly, this wasn't the worst pick-up fail könig had, so he can at least find comfort in that. can't get any lower than rock bottom...

The purse in his hands looked comical small, maybe its him, his hands that are making it look so small. you couldn't keep all your things in here? maybe it's a trend for women to carry purses the size of apples, putting fashion over function. Not something that könig would do.

Those who saw the whole ordeal go down, now eye him with suspicion, wondering what his next move will be, gripping their own items closer. He can only laugh to himself if he wanted he'd have no problem taking their stuff away. But it's better to leave so he can find you.

Walking out, he takes the time to look through your bag. cards, ID, cash, so manu important things, and you just handed them over to him. Playing with the ID card in his hands, mulling over your features. you had such a pretty name, such a serious face you were making in your photo too, not at all like the frightened look you had before.

It's more than enough to track you down he still didn't get the chance to ask you out. He couldn't bring it back empty-handed. Maybe a new purse would do.

‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵

The kitchen floor provides a surprising amount of comfort in these moments. 5 panic attacks down, and you're only down starting to cry. The knock on the door is either about to be a blessing or curse. Maybe the police finally came, or a good samartain got your purse back.

There wouldn't be any blessing today. The other side of the door only showed your assailant. If the panic attacks weren't enough to send you over the edge, spiralling, seeing this man at your door certainly was. taking your purse wasn't enough, like some sick grim reaper he's come for your life.

Playing dead is an option, right? You'd have to be stupid to think you could outrun this man. Yeah, laying down for a quick kill would be best-

" I brought you a gift, to apologise"

A gift?

You kept your eyes on bag half because you couldn't believe him and also you were too scared to look him in the eyes.

"It seems I scared you back at the cafe, I only wanted to ask you out" he holds out a bag in front of you.

Ha. It was a mistake. A simple misunderstanding. You'd spent the better half of today crying on the floor because of some big man's poor flirting skills. You wanted to cry again.

Might as well take the bag. What's one more mistake or bad choice today. All your items are there, and you suddenly feel relife, tears welling in eyes as your knees buckle. Your purse, cards, sweets, the second half of the book you're reading? Wait, some of this isn't yours.... was he using your bag to hold his stuff?? You stare back at him, waiting for an answer.

" they're yours a gift to apologize"

"Oh"

Maybe it's all in your head. You're just on edge in a new place. You feel like you can finally relax. The tension knotted in your shoulders slowly unravels. You feel silly and like a wet dog

" I'm sorry about that. Thank you for bringing it back,"

"A date"

What. You see him now only closer than before threatening to enter the boundaries of your home.

" Let me take you out for a drink to apologise." It's such an intense stare he has, focused souly on you. It makes you uncomfortable, stepping back slightly to put some space between you, a bad idea, as he matched your pace stepping forward, foot now fully in your house. You started in disbelief. There's no way this man just stepped in your house, muddy shoes and all. For the last time today, you look back at him, annoyed. An surprise for könig but not an unwelcome one.

"I don't drink"

"coffee"

"No"

"Tea"

"Hmm "

he squints and pauses at that answer

'"a cafe"

"Leave please"

"I'll pick you up on Thursday"

He's barley out the door before you shut it on him, locking the door and pulling the chain

she didn't say no right away. That means he still got a chance.

‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵

It's Thursday afternoon and once again you're sat in the kitchen panicking as your feet tap along with the rhythm of the clock.

The whole morning was spent worrying out your mind. It's a miracle your heart hasn't given out yet. Maybe he was just messing you, and now you've spent the whole morning worrying for nothing. more time passed, and your worry turned to annoyance. You did your whole makeup for this, and he didn't show.

You jump up at the sound of the door, rushing to open it. You pause. Taking a moment to collect yourself before before opening the door.

He looks better than before, still donning that scary balaclava, but in more casual clothes and flowers in hand. He's too forward with his actions, pushing the bouquet in your hands before he even spoke.

It's awkward. He doesn't say much(because that worked so well the first time), and neither do you. This silent walk is too painful to bear.

At least you can say he's a gentleman (sort of). The date was paid in full, and he got a gift. You've learned a few things about könig now. His jokes are cheesy, but they did make you laugh. He resides in an upscale apartment that's too big for him (his words)outside of the city centre. Currently on break from the army (a potential red flag that'll lingered in your thoughts), he's got a big appetite and love for strong drinks.

This afternoon hadn't been all that unpleasant. You quite like the man, you find some strange comfort and safety in him. It's even nice when he pulls you close to him, resting a hand on your hip.

"Haha, are you happy to see me, or is that a knife in your pocket?"

"Knife."

"Hah-" and He pulled out a blade.

...

Oh. Now we're back to weird again.

Why couldn't he just be normal!? It's too casual the tricks he's doing with the knife. How were you supposed to pretend this was normal

You try your best to smile, to not turn and flee scream but your lips tremble. You're really wishing he did have a boner instead. You're not sure what to say or what annoys you more how casual he is, not a single worry on his face.

This is exactly why you shouldn't go out with strange men who randomly appear at your doorstep. At the very least, he's a strong contender for the "Most Heart Attacks Caused by a Man" award.

König wasn't stupid he could sense your worry as you tried to hide behind a lopsided smile. Watching your eyes shift between him and blade, waiting for his next move. You're cute. He'll have fun messing with you.

‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵

You couldn't be happier to be home. You survived! You'd never have to see that nasty man again!

*beep*

It doesn't matter how long you stare at your phone in confusion and annoyance. The message on your phone is clear

......

Where did this man even get your number!? He's known for a 2 whole day's, there's no chance he knows anyone close to you.

You're never going to be free of this man

[save-me-phantom-ghoul]

Had a break down and spiralled into some old insecurities, so why not comfort yourself through projecting onto your favorite lil guy :3

Content Warnings! : lots of talk of self deprecation, mentions and depictions of self harm, break downs

If I missed anything please let me know and I'll add it to the warnings for future viewers

Right anyways here's 1k words of phantom ghoul being mentally ill

Ah, Thats.. Not right

It wasn't supposed to have him do this, it was supposed to be quick and easy, just fill out the quiz and hit submit. This page shouldnt have popped up.

What happened? what did he do wrong? He filled everything out right, got almost all the answer right. He did it right, why was it wrong.

His face started to ache with the furrow in his brows and frown at his lips, his eyes darting back and forth trying to piece together what could've gone wrong, where did he mess it up. It was at the start wasn't it. He thought the prompt sounded wrong, but nothing else was popping up when he refilled the information.

An ugly feeling started pooling in his stomach, his throat felt raw. Quickly exiting out of the page, and opening it back up, he tried clicking on the test again.

Nope. He's officially, royally, fucked up. Unable to do anything or figure something out he starts to panic.

Why is this happening, he did it right. He was supposed to do it right. It was supposed to be easy. Everyone else did it just fine. Why didnt he. Why couldnt he do it right, he can't do anything right, always fucking up, always doing it wrong, always messing up someone else's day with having them help him, always angering people because he couldn't do a simple task.

It wasn't your fault.

He can't do anything right. why does he even try.

Trying is all someone can do.

He knew it would've messed it up and it did.

You did what you thought was right.

It wasn't right!

Shut up! it wasn't right and it's your fault!

Take some fucking responsiblity for once!

You couldn't figure out something so simple, it's easy, why couldn't you do it!?

...

He's tired of this.

Of here.

He grabs his phone from where it got tossed on his bed, opening Aurora and his' messages

Mr.Bug: rory I messed it up:(

Mrs.Bug: the test?

Mr.Bug: yeah, I don't know what happened

Mr.Bug: I struggled to sign in and then had to sit through the most mind numbing 30minutes of ai voice speach ever and when I finished the test it wanted me to pay like, 100 dollars :((

Mrs.Bug: pits Ant how did you do that 😭

Mr.Bug: Idk! D:

Mrs.Bug: I'm so sorry, phantom, we'll figure it out tomorrow with the group and stuff

Mr.Bug: okay 😞

The sound of his head hitting the wall behind him nearly echoes in the silence of his room. He feels his throat tighten, and his body tense. He doesn't want to cry, he hates crying. It makes his head hurt and his face swell.

He bites his lip in a useless attempt to stave off the break down crawling up his throat. And with the first few tears the carefully curated dam breaks, his hand coming up to rake through his black and white rats nest of a mane, the greasy feeling of unwashed hair making him feel worse. his body shaking, aching in the strain of being quiet.

The walls of the ghouls rooms were pretty well soundproofed, any inside noise thoroughly muffled to near perfect muteness. But he didn't want to risk the off chance that the others grew super hearing. Or his room specifically, just wasn't soundproofed. Knowing his luck one or the other would end up being right. So he kept quite, muffling his strained sobbing behind his hands and a blanket.

His mind goes on a whirlwind of self deprecating thoughts. This has happened to many times, he's been here for to short of a time for that many faults to stack so high. It towers over him, over Swiss, or Aether, even over Mountain, in his mind.

His mind quiets, his body relaxes and hands slide down his face. Deep breaths, blink back the tears, grab your phone and at least warn Aether of your fuck up.

He does so, shakely reopening his phone, this time to Aether and his' messages. The devices clock glaring an ugly 12:34am at him.

Mr.Bug: me when I break down over a silly little test because I managed to fuck it up and you'll have to help me fix it somehow tomorrow :,3

AetherEther: tbh, not that surprised 😅

AetherEther: I'll help you tomorrow

Mr.Bug: I'm so so sorry :(

AetherEther: it's alright

He was hoping for some positive, understanding words. Hoping the way he said it would ease the disappointment. Well, he got the understanding part.

It hated how his eyes swelled with tears as he read the responding messages. Throwing the headphones he had around his neck to the end of the bed and yanking at his smooth horns. Fucking Pits! Not surprised. Not. fucking. surprised.

Oh he knew the older quint didn't mean it like that, he really did, but his mind read the words and all of his insecurities roared. He clenched his teeth and pulled his horns harder.

The ache was a nice distraction from the horrible feeling of crying, but it wasn't enough. He needed more, he needed something sharper, stronger, longer lasting. He wanted-... No

No you can't do that, you promised her you wouldn't, you're better than that. It's been so long, you've done so well you can't ruin that over a stupid test.

Something else then, his nails, his fingers. His hands fall from his achey head to his bare shoulder, digging right above his shoulder blade and scraping up. His nails were to dull in this half glamoured form to break his skin, but the pressure on the muscle paired with the gritting of his teeth was close enough.

He hoped it'd bruise

He wants it to bruise

Do it on your forearm so they see

He digs his fingers into the back of his shoulder, next to where they had ended their journey up.

His nails dug in a bit more than the pads of his fingers this time, a sharper, more welcomed pain

Yes that was a bit better, he wanted more of that, needed more of that kind of pain

A rather harsh sob broke past his clenched teeth, and he curled in on himself. He digs his thumb nail, longer than the other due to a nail picking habit, into the underside of his upper arm. The sting of it was sharper and longer lasting than the previous tries.

As he dug the nail in, anger filled his body. He couldnt do anything right and they all expected that of him. It was expected. Lords below he really was useless. He was tired of this, he wanted to go home.

Wherever that was.

He doubted it was here. He didn't know where else home would be, the pits definitely weren't, here wasn't.. So where did he belong.

Did he belong?

What use was he to the world if he couldn't even do something so simple?

Please, he wanted a home.

Lords please, he needed to belong somewhere.

Let me be needed.

[lookismaddict]

Lookism Chapter 438 Memes/Thoughts I Have:

(SPOILERS !!! I don’t own any of the Lookism panels and the translations. Only the memes that I made.)

God. It’s like every week, I get even more tired than the previous week. What has my life come to? I feel so dead inside.

Anyways, wooooo new chapter is here. Let’s goooooooo!!!

“DiD yOu JuSt HiT a CoP ?” Yeah mf. Call it “injustice” or a “crime”, IDC. Daniel gon beat yo ass GTA style. 😤

It’s ok Daniel, go get him!!!

*h e a v y s i g h*

. . .

PLEASE. EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND WHILE I… “TAKE CARE OF SOME BUSINESS”.

*stays in the bathroom for about 30 min*

I'M KIDDING... not really.

BRUH EVEN DANIEL IS NAKED? AROUND GUN??? This is dangerous. 😭😭😭

OHHHHHHHHHHH MYYYYYYYYY GAAAAAAAHHHHHDDDD.... SIRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! THE WET HAIR THOOOOOO. 😩😩🤤🤤🤤🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴

I def know what I want for Christmas this year... 👀

Santa would definitely kill me in my sleep...

N S F W M E M E W A R N I N G !!!

(If you don't wanna see the inappropriate meme, just scroll past it.)

God, my 😺 been quivering... What? I bet those of you who read Rendezvous would agree that you want him too. I'M LOOKING AT YOU!! READERS WHO'VE READ THOSE CHAPTERS ACTING LIKE YOU HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT, SMH. 👁👁 Don't lie.

Man, this is giving me mad inspiration to write again. Who knew that some steamy shower panels would bring me back to continue writing for that story? How ironic. 😅

YESSSSSS GUN BBG, MAN WHORE, DADDYYYYYYY. 🥰

DAAAAAAAAMMMNNNNN DANIEL, BACK AT IT AGAIN WITH THE FANCY FIGHTING SPINS!!! Also, "I'm gonna get punished severely when I get back." 🧐 Is Gun gonna make you give him 🧠 or nah? Like what?

BRUHHHHHHHHHH. DANIEL NOOOOOOOOOO!!! 😭😭😭

AWWWW BABY, DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT IT. JUST CONTINUE TO GIVE IT YOUR ALL!!! 🥺🥺

Awwwww shit... Is this where I think this is going...? 😭

Hey Alexa, play "Lose Yourself" by Eminem.

OMG WAIT. HE DOESN'T LOOK THAT DIFFERENT FROM WHEN HE WENT CRAZY MODE IN HIS OTHER BODY!!! :O God, it's like the same demon possessed Daniel or something.

OK DANIELLLLL!!! I SEE YOUUUUUU, KING!!!! 😩😩👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

AYO, IS THAT JAKE'S OLDER BROTHER??? 👀 HOW TF JAMES LEE KNEW ABOUT HIM AND NOT EVEN HIS OWN BROTHER, JAKE KIM KNEW ABOUT HIM UNTIL TOM LEE MENTIONED HIM??? 💀💀💀💀

Geez, I'm starting to feel bad for Jichang. Like, ok Daniel, I get it. Your fight with Jichang started because you're trying to find out more about Jinyoung and all that, but... y'all can't just... talk it out? 😅 "Civilized folks" style? No? Ok.

Oh crap... that's not good. 😬

B R U H. THESE PANELS GAVE ME MAD GOOSEBUMPS. SHIIIIIT. I HOPE DANIEL'S HOMIES ARRIVE!!!! 😖

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I KNEW ITTTTTTT!!! I TOLD Y'ALL WTF. 😭😭😭😭😭😭 I EVEN KNEW IT IN THE LAST REVIEW HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I GOT PSYCHIC POWERS. 🔮

SEE???? I CONCLUDED THIS LAST WEEK WITH MY OWN WORDS, BRUH. CALL ME A... G E N I U S. ✨ (Actually don't. I'm still a dumbass.)

"Thanks. I almost died just now." 💀💀💀💀 Idk why I thought that line from Hudson was funny to me LMFAOOO. Just caught me off guard because I mostly see him being so serious all the time. Also, Jichang... don't underestimate Daniel lol. It'll be your downfall if you do.

I stg. Almost every chapter, Daniel always gets even more attractive. 😍😍

I always see people comment on how Daniel is turning more into Gun due to how he has improved in fighting as the story progresses. HOWEVER, I've never heard Daniel becoming James Lee before and I find that concept very interesting. I'm not sure if PTJ is leading Daniel towards that path of him becoming the new "James Lee", since he is a self-righteous character who seeks truth.

Even though I find this moment to be very cool, I worry that Daniel might create more enemies for himself and I hope he doesn't kill anyone then spiral into long-term guilt like James Lee.

God, I still can't get over the GUN SHOWER PANELS. AHHHHHHHHH!!! HIM... NAKED??? I MEAN, COME ON MAN. HE LITERALLY IS EXPENSIVE ALCOHOL WHO REALLY AGED SO GOOD. SO TASTY. SO DELICIOUS. SO SCRUMPT-DIDDLY-UMPTIOUUUSSSSS!!! CALL ME A CONNOISSEUR, BUT HE CAN BE THE YAMATO TO MY HENNESSY, WITH HIS HIGH PRICED SEXY ASS. 🤤🤤🖤🖤🖤🖤

If any one mentions him in the shower, yk Imma be "showering" down there. 💦

ALSO, WE NEED MORE SHOWER FAN SERVICE PTJ. KEEP 'EM COMING!!!

The correct answer is "Both".

They'd be amazing Calvin Klein models.

Anyways, BYE- 🏃🏽‍♀️

[feelingpure]

I'm just remembering that Hawk forgot Tim's birthday, and I am once again spiralling.

Recap/ramble under the cut.

In this essay (lol) I will explain why this hurts me so much. In short; it's because Tim clearly cares a lot about it, and Hawk completely disregards it.

Alright, let's start from the scene at the club near the beginning of the episode, where Marcus and Hawk are talking about the upcoming weekend trip and Hawk confirms that he's going alone but that doesn't mean he'll be alone (okay, so he's planning on being a lil slutty on the trip if no one else goes with him, cool cool cool).

And just before Marcus leaves, he mentions the birthday.

Marcus: And, not that you care, but you missed his birthday. He noticed.

The way Marcus said that part... he noticed. TIM NOTICED. Tim noticed so much that Marcus noticed that Tim noticed. Idk, that line just hurt me, cause I'm just imagining sweet Tim crying over it while face down in his pillows. Not even a secret card, or a message via Mary? No, ofc not. Cause you didn't even realise when it was, did you Hawk?

So the next time Tim and Hawk get to speak alone.

Hawk: I've decided to forgive you. Tim: Forgive me? Hawk: You haven't called in three weeks. Tim: Four.

So it's been about a month since the end of the last episode. Tim knows how long it's been, Hawk doesn't. Interesting... and even though I've kept it in above, I'm not even going to talk about the "I've decided to forgive you." line, cause 😠. And I'm not gonna talk about Hawk trying to hint at (/mock?) Tim's feelings by quoting a line from a love sonnet either; 🖐️😩 we don't have time for all that! (But do go look up 'How Do I Love Thee?' and proceed to sob).

And as Hawk walks off (after telling Tim to meet him in 15 minutes for the drive to the place, after they bumped into each other by chance - definitely did not plan to ask him along, cool cool cool).

Hawk: Oh, and happy birthday.

The way he says this so smug... 😤 and Tim's slightly confused face and little walk away afterwards.

Then at the 'rough trade' bar.

Tim: Is this my birthday present? Hawk: It's more like an education.

Ugh, the way Tim looks around the bar with a face full of glee and excitedly asks if this is his present. 🥺 And Hawk just... nah, let me tell you about what goes on here. Like that's cool, but then no further acknowledgement of Tim's birthday? …Alright, cool cool cool.

Cut to Tim sat at the bar on his own looking at his watch. Then cut to Tim getting accosted by some stranger in the bathroom.

Stranger: Anyone that'd leave you behind doesn't deserve to keep you.

EXACTLY. Anyway... yeah thinking about how in the 1st episode we saw Tim showing Hawk his family photo album; so it's more than safe to say he at least told him his birthday? If not by then, by the episode 2 pillow talk.

I bet Mary, Luis and co. remembered. Marcus clearly knew. But Hawk, who he's the closest with and known for longer? Nope.

The same Hawk who was so confident when he told Tim to drop everything and meet him in 15 minutes, after not speaking to each other for a month. And Tim, who immediately ran to go meet him outside.

These are just the few moments that I remembered them mentioning his birthday, and I went back to watch them while typing this; I don't think it's mentioned again in the episode (but I might be wrong)?

And yes, this was mostly just me needing to get out some of my Hawk rage. The birthday thing might seem small to some, idky but it really made me * jaw clench, sharp exhale * once it clicked that 'he noticed'.

[batsplat]

Bat……baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattttttttttttt. The Casey / vale web weave….oh my got I am unwell 🥲🥹🥲🥹 truly outdid yourself on that one holy hell

:))))) thank youuuu exactly the feeling i'm trying to evoke

obviously this specific topic is one where i could like... go at it again from a completely different angle with plenty of other material, like it's such a rich mine of parallels. i mean the big parallel between agassi and casey is of course the whole 'hating the sport they dedicated their lives to' thing - and we have valentino being baffled at agassi's pov, which!! if you read the quote about valentino going 'well EYE could never hate motorcycle racing' then that has such rich implications for the casey/valentino dynamic, like agassi almost acts as this fun little proxy that allows valentino to say things he wouldn't say directly *about casey*. and pair THAT with valentino thinking casey isn't a romantic rider and all the riders today are too serious and sad..... huh. thinking

anyway that was one thing i barely touched... another bit i was thinking about is that obviously comparing the 1995 us open final with 2008 laguna seca does involve a bit of artistic license in that casey sticks clear from describing the laguna loss in quite such apocalyptic terms. idk if casey was really 'fantasising about retirement', though... i mean, he could have been!! i think one thing that is so special about agassi is that he's actually willing to SAY stuff like that, like i've said this before but his gift is this real vulnerability where he's also willing to kinda make himself look weak, look like an idiot. like emphasising how extremely not seriously he took sampras before the 1990 us open final!! and i don't mean this as a BAD thing, but casey is just not capable of that kind of emotional honesty - certainly not publicly. like agassi is just definitely a lot more self-aware. and... if you're describing this loss as the turning point of your entire career, saying again and again how everything changed... i am still going to do a PROPER laguna post, hopefully in the next few weeks, but i think the more time you spend thinking about that race the more you begin to understand just why it was so emotionally devastating to casey. it doesn't send him on a competitive spiral the way it does with agassi. but you also need to not just pay attention to what casey's literally saying and also how often he's saying it and why he's framing it that way. he has a real morbid fascination with that race that to me did really remind me of the 1995 us open agassi experience. unlike agassi, he doesn't see it as a 'deserved' loss, so the bitterness and frustration is definitely DIFFERENT... but yeah. for both of them it is The Loss. it is valentino's great betrayal

and speaking of laguna 2008, if there was one quote i really would have liked to include but couldn't quite justify sneaking in, it's what valentino's crew chief jb said about that race in 2010 (x):

MM: I remember watching Rossi and Stoner through Turn 1. Rossi would come out of the final corner ahead, Stoner would start catching him and Rossi would slide across leaving Stoner only the outside line around Turn 1. JB: It wasn't a case of offering him anything, that was the only place to pass, it was a case of not giving him the ideal line. So if Casey was going to pass Valentino round a corner, it was going to be the long way round, which is the only place to pass, unless you do it in the braking area. My feeling at the time was that Casey probably only had one game plan, and having watched Casey over the years, he doesn't have a plan B. If it doesn't go his way from the outset, it's probably one of the weaknesses that he had through the youth that he had, through the lack of experience that he had. That's not a criticism of him per se, he was still only 22 at the time. And that was it, it was clearly a tactical race. They both cleared off in the vicinity of 20 seconds ahead of Chris Vermeulen, and Casey was able to pick it up after slipping off at Turn 11 and still finish second.

again this is something that will very much feature when i get around to properly dissecting that race, but to me this is crazy revealing on several levels. i mean, first off, i do always enjoy jb being a bit of a dick about valentino's rivals. i like the slagging off, i like it even more when he basically does some of valentino's psychological warfare *for him* like with jorge in 2009, i think it's a cute relationship and it's just conceptually kinda fun to have valentino's crew chief being so ride-or-die for him on the feuding front. like they quite simply do not make crew chiefs like that any more

secondly, i find the parallels with catalunya 2009 interesting in that jb is basically also calling casey too rigid - cf jorge not thinking anyone could pass at montmelo's final corner. again, it's valentino fighting against opponents who may well be faster than him (especially when it comes to casey) but just having this... creativity, intellectual flexibility going for him. casey needs to have a plan b, casey thought he was going to win that race easily, casey couldn't react when he was challenged

thirdly, obviously this does come round to playing into the whole ambition vs talent theme, where casey is this wild raw inexperienced talent who valentino bests with his brains and grit. keeps coming back to that somehow!! idk i know i've talked about this again and again but i just think it's neat to have what essentially amounts to a 'catchphrase' of a rivalry that also basically provides *the* central theme. and if there is one bit of wildly underappreciated casey/vale lore, it is that casey preempted his most infamous line THREE years earlier. like i swear *nobody* ever talks about this, including the guy who wrote the article where i found the quote, but casey literally says "in laguna he let his ambition to win take control over his technique"!! it's so fascinating!!

it does ofc confirm that jerez 2011 wasn't just some kind of spur of the moment bout of poetic genius. it's something casey had been stewing on for years!! casey feels at laguna 2008 that he *should* have won because he was FASTER, goes on a tear in the media, gets massive backlash, has to apologise to valentino, and then bides his time for several years to get the blow in when he is given the opportunity. in some ways it's so valentino-esque, like he's learning to bide his time from the very best. it's fantastic!! the whole thing's fantastic, it is so revealing. which, idk, to some extent the ambition vs talent thing is obviously a framing casey plays into himself - but to some extent it's a framing he finds deeply frustrating because obviously he does *not* enjoy the flip side of that contrast and the implication he is either less intelligent or less mentally tough. that's why it's so interesting that the one word casey used to describe himself is calculating, which does reject that particular dichotomy!! nyhh

fourthly, i feel like we do need to address the "one of the weaknesses that he had through the youth that he had" line. the jb/casey relationship forms such an interesting backdrop to this rivalry, where obviously they kindaaa knew each other and jb MAYBE would have liked to work with casey if valentino had fucked off to f1 and there was that whole quirky element of casey's italian team vs valentino's australian team and casey feeling a bit territorial over his home race and then casey becoming extremely resentful towards jb in those last few years to the point where jb gets slagged off in casey's autobiography... idk, obviously it's a throwaway line but i can't help it, i can't not be interested in valentino's crew chief basing his psychological profile of casey in part on what casey's childhood/adolescence was like, ofc implying that this is something jb is very much aware of

and if you're saying casey is intellectually rigid and doesn't have a back-up plan because of what his youth was like then that means... what, exactly? idk i think you can read that in several ways - and it really does reveal a certain level of thought being put into casey's psychology!! and if you think about jb's role as valentino's proxy and how they ofc hatched The Laguna Plan together and again that remark valentino made about young riders closing up and becoming serious and sad because they were being put under too much pressure... i mean, look, it's obviously not a big revelation that valentino put some serious thought into casey's psychology, like i reckon you can figure it out if you simply. watch that race. but yeah, just getting these little hints confirming it, of valentino carefully studying casey like the intricate puzzle he was... i might be off-base here but my personal interpretation is that... i think valentino *did* see casey's joylessness as a weakness of sorts, this seriousness born from the pressure casey had been put under as something that limited his creativity. treating racing too much as a profession and not a passion, a struggle to adapt to valentino uprooting the status quo...

idk, i obviously am deeply compelled by both valentino and casey watching and studying each other so closely, even though we have heard way more of the conclusions that casey has drawn than vice versa. i think that's really the magic of laguna 2008 - and by extension the entire rivalry - the specificity of the whole thing. the race would not work so well if it involved any other two riders than valentino and casey, it relies on the build-up, it relies on the precise conclusions valentino has drawn about casey's psyche and where he decides to attack him, it relies on casey's complicated and at times tortured feelings towards valentino. it relies on that dichotomy between wild talent and ruthless cunning, it relies on the faster rider losing the race. it relies on that specific track and its specific character. i kinda feel like that makes the race pretty unique where the whole thing depends... so heavily on the specific contours of their relationship, of how they match up as athletes, like if you altered a single detail you would make the whole thing worse. it's such a rich text!!

even though i don't understand shit about motogp, i am always someone who likes to analyse my sports first and foremost As Sports. like i think you can kinda get rich narratives anywhere, you can get them in plenty of fiction i've been told, but crucially the thing about sports is that it's such a controlled playground with these specific modes of interactions and structures and rules shaping the landscape of the narrative. and when i'm looking at sports rivalries, what i really want to see is how interpersonal relations and even, y'know, Themes TM are expressed through the *fabric* of the sport itself. which obviously is extremely easy for me to do with tennis, and i do think tennis is also kinda ideal for that given how interactional the sport is at its very core - the cliche goes that tennis is a game of match-ups. every single match is a deeply rich text that i can analyse if i am so inclined - though there the sports element is unfortunately often a lot more compelling than any sort of overarching narrative. with motogp, i do need a bit more hand-holding. i think what makes laguna 2008 so great for both new and veteran fans of the sport is that it's so *visceral*. you see this relationship and the emotions behind it play out in front of your eyes with relatively little knowledge of the intricacies of motorcycle racing needed. you are immediately dropped into the narrative, you are immediately presented with these two contrasting characters in violent combat - you immediately learn so much about them. you watch them learning about each other. it's great!! guys, it's so great. they're so great

[bcbdrums]

🍓🕯️🔪

"🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction?"

well. one day in 2004 when visiting my cousin in the hospital after her car accident. i missed an episode of Bonanza, due to...you know, being at the hospital. this was back in ye olden days of TV guides, recording things on VCR's, and....no....wikis.... not like we have now. no sites to tell you everything, no screencaps, no youtube... and ye olde dial-up internet days. and anyway.... the TV guide descrip made that episode sound thrilling. and...and i just had to know!

and i knew... i remember, knowing in my heart. that if i went online and tried to find out what happened. i'd never get off the computer again. well, i was right. the short conclusion to this tale is i found specific Bonanza fansites loaded with fanfiction!!! and i devoured it. i wanna say within the same month? i was hand-writing fanfic in spiral notebooks for Bonanza. still have that spiral notebook and that unfinished fic, literally locked in a treasure chest. and i still remember the entire plot, what i planned to do with it... yeah.

no, i never did find out what was in that episode i missed/didn't get to record... like i said, no wikis or anything of that nature... (we had to leave from school that day so i didn't get to go home and program the VCR; i'd not known that morning we'd be going to the hospital later.) and they didn't re-run the episode again... so i've still not seen it... but, i started writing fanfic that summer. a defining moment in my life. and yes, my cousin is well!

"🕯️ ⇢ on a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you enjoy editing? why is that?"

ohhh, hmmm... idk if i could scale it. maybe right in the middle, a 5 or 6? this will make more sense if i describe my process perhaps.

so if i'm really in the writing zone, i just...plow ahead until i'm finished. and then i go back and edit. when i'm "in the zone" oftentimes i don't see things that could genuinely be improved by better phrasing, better language choices... they just elude me cuz i'm so hyperfixated on the story and it's so clear in my head, so, of course it's great on the page! (example: Forfeit was written this way.) usually i then just quickly fix obvious typos/grammar things and toss the fic into the void. then i'll return a few months later when it's no longer fresh, and then see soooo many things that could be better, and depending on my mood i'll go back and heavily edit, or, i won't.

the other process... if i'm not "in the zone" usually i write a few lines, get stuck, and to get myself unstuck i go back and edit what i've done. fixing things, adding things... and usually once those few lines are edited i have the next ones ready to be written in my head. it's a slower process overall.

editing for other people is a whole different ball game. i love doing that (as long as i'm in the mood/have the energy/time) because it helps me refine my writing craft too, in trying to assist someone with a totally different style than mine. it's great. and i've edited/beta-read for so many diff people now with such a variety of styles it's really making me more aware of my own, and how it's changed over the years. and i also just enjoy helping people.

the idea of something getting better just appeals to me i guess. it's a good feeling, it's productive. so in that sense, i enjoy editing. if i feel really stuck on a project, then it can become just another slow-down however. that would be the only negative i suppose.

"🔪 ⇢ what's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?"

haha, already answered this in a prior ask but i'll choose a different one.

i spent days learning how to waltz properly. all the techniques, and the process by which one learns... to write one character teaching another character, very, very methodically. and apparently i did it well, i received a comment about it from someone who actually waltzes professionally if i remember correctly who was very pleased with my writing of it! can i waltz? or dance at all? no, no i cannot. but i could probably talk someone else through how to learn!

thank you SO much for the ask!!! ^_^

[campingwiththecharmings]

✨ hi would it be possible to get poe's pov during the closet scene in Love is a Game (For Fools to Play)? or anything else from that fic. pleeeeeeeeeeeeease? 🙏

*POV Ask Game*

AN: Thank you so much for your patience, nonnie. For some reason, I really struggled to start this. idk if it's because it was for something that was finished or if it was the different POV, but it was a little challenging for me. Once I got in a groove though, it was kind of fun lol.

Anyway, no more blathering, here is the closet scene from Love is a Game (For Fools to Play) as told from Poe's POV. Hope you enjoy it 💖

(Un-beta'd)

Rated: T Words: 775 Pairing: Poe Dameron x GN!Reader Warnings: kissing, mutual pining, friends to lovers, references to alcohol and/or drinking, internalized angst. AO3

——————

He’s nervous. Uncharacteristically so. It’s just you, he thinks, what’s there to be nervous about? You’re his best friend, after all. But that is the problem, he realizes: You’re his best friend. The one he comes to for anything and everything. Suddenly he’s wishing the bottle had landed on a stranger; strangers he has no problem kissing, but you… 

“Alright then. You ready?” He asks, clearing his throat, willing his thoughts to stop spiraling. 

“Sure. Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”  

He sniffs a quiet laugh through his nose at your response before moving forward, your familiar scent invading his senses. It’s dark in here, darker than he’d anticipated, so he can’t see much more than the outline of your head before him. It’s difficult to determine exactly how far you are from him so, to avoid headbutting you, he reaches out a hand, searching for your face. 

“Uh, what are you doing?” you ask, voice laced with confusion as he places a hand on your shoulder. 

He remains silent as he gingerly feels his way up the side of your neck, the gentle thrum of your pulse against his fingers. He continues his path up, moving to cradle your face. He hears your breath catch, the sharpness of it cutting into him like a knife. 

“Not much light in here,” he says, more nonchalant than he feels. “Need a little assistance if I’m gonna have to land blind.” 

“My face isn’t a landing strip, Poe." 

He snorts, the joke calming him somewhat as he absently strokes his thumb over your cheek. “Noted.” 

Your warm breath fans across his lips, smelling sweetly of the Jet Juice you’d both been imbibing. His nose bumps yours as he leans in, his lips brushing the corner of your mouth as he turns his head. When he finally presses his mouth to yours, something swells in his chest, something he can’t quite put a name to. He feels like he’s moving in slow motion, his lips sliding against yours unhurriedly, like they could do this all day. When you begin to reciprocate, pressing your lips back against his, he pauses, like his brain is unable to process the action; you’re kissing him back. Obviously you’re kissing him back, that’s the game, isn’t it?  

So why does it feel like there’s more to it than that?  

This thought flips a switch inside him—suddenly this is all he’s ever wanted, you are all he’s ever wanted. Why did it take him so long to realize it? 

He sighs, whether in relief or contentment, he’s not sure, all he knows is he wants more—more of you, of this. He angles your head, deepening the kiss as he presses his mouth harder against yours. Your lips are soft, molding to his like they were made for this, for him. When he pulls you closer, he hears your breath catch, a jolt of pleasure rushing through him at the sound. This isn’t the first time he’s held you (hell, you’ve fallen asleep on him more times than he can count), but it’s never been like this—like he can suddenly feel every inch of you. 

Somehow though, it’s still not enough. He needs more.

When he traces the seam of your lips with his tongue, you part them without hesitation, sighing softly when he dips inside. The taste of you is intoxicatingly sweet, both from the alcohol and from something so inherently you. He licks into your mouth, tongue sliding hotly against yours as he cradles your cheek, his fingertips caressing your velvet-soft skin. He feels your fingers tangle in the fabric of his shirt, a groan escaping his throat when you somehow manage to pull him even closer, his chest bumping against yours.

Lust clouds his head, makes him forget where he is, forget the game, the horde of Resistance personnel outside the door, forget everything—except you. So lost is he in you, in this moment, he almost misses the click and whoosh of the closet door opening. At the last second, he panics, quickly schooling his features as the light spills inside, squinting as his eyes readjust. 

He doesn’t look at you; he can’t, is too afraid you’ll see, see that inside he’s a mess, a jumble of thoughts and feelings he needs to untangle. He just needs time, he decides, time to figure out what just happened, what he feels…what you feel. When you pull away from him, a piece of him dislodges, becomes unmoored. He pushes the feeling away, nodding awkwardly to the crowd as the two of you exit the closet to return to the party.

Review (pretty please)?

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[sometimesiammybpd]

quick mention: i have already written one post somewhat on being aromantic. i honestly forgot about this, but here's that if you wanna read. this will cross over on certain things i've mentioned there and other posts because of the more general topic. don't mean to repeat myself, but this is all still so new to me and i want to understand it better and this helps /gen.

this post is gonna be both about what it's like to have hypersexuality, but also what it's like for me as someone who is aromantic because to me they go hand in hand. not great at intros lmao.

anyways hi. not really in the bestest of moods while writing this, so i apologize if it comes off a bit brash or something. idk. it's 5 (almost 6) am for me when writing so like. that's probably why. probably. i wanna talk about being aromantic first because that's the more complicated one for me personally and it's the one that honestly still bothers me. i didn't realize i was aromantic until this year. more specifically, a few months ago. for, i think 3 years now, i'd assumed i was demiromantic because i thought i was still having crushes on people. real "i could imagine my entire life with you" crushes, which i wasn't. that i'll go into obviously. but as i've spent time looking back on things because of all that just falls into place for me with the aro label, i realize it wasn't there from the start. don't get me wrong though. crushes were not common for me as a kid.

i really do think i was demiromantic until about a year ago. because when i was younger, i didn't feel anything towards anyone. i didn't even think i had a sexuality because i didn't like girls or boys. there's stuff i won't get into right now, but by late elementary - early middle, i was getting bullied heavily and they were starting to get so fixated on who likes who and all that bullshit. which did come back to me because at certain points, they would walk to me and ask who i liked. if i didn't have an answer, they'd bully me more. so i started to keep a mental list of sorts. it's creepy to say honestly, even with context, but this is what worked because it was either this or just have everything get worse. it wasn't anything bad, i would just choose a girl and she'd be my "crush" should they ask. each year would be a different girl and it was just to not have things get worse (they eventually did anyways). but by like 7th grade, i thought it was just normal. i mean. kinda. i wanted to believe it was, but this was also when i started to spiral for the first time and so i was already deep into self-hatred, self-destructive tendencies, shit like that. so not only could it NOT be normal according to my mind but if i wasn't the person i was, maybe it'd be different. shit like that.

8th grade was the first time i ever did feel a crush on someone. and i knew it was actually a crush and not some confused emotion. it was towards my closest friend at the time and lasted years. i think when i first started to bring this (the realization of being aro) up to my friends, i stuck this under the "hyperfixation" category, which it was. but it was also a real crush. and honestly, it was the first time i ever felt normal. because normal people get crushes and want to date. that's what i was always told and that's what i thought needed to happen. and it led me to pursue her for longer than i ever should have. she couldn't date because of her parents but there's no way in hell i would have been a good partner at the time anyways. regardless, i pursued it through sophomore year of high school. the history between me and her is too rough to talk about outside of that, but yeah. and i think i know why. i mention wanting to feel normal a lot. at the time i really did. because to me, i didn't know myself. i grew up heavily conservative and christian (although the christianity part never stuck) and it really did form a mental relationship between feeling the way i did and stuff like being gay or bi that was so unhealthy. as i went through high school, the friends i met pushed me further left which did help when it came to this. because i remember watching love, simon at 15 (i liked the movie so shut it /hj) and watching him fall in love at the end, i cried. because i wanted that. but honestly i don't know if i did at the same time.

it all felt so unreasonably scary and outside of the unnamed friend, i never felt anything towards anyone like that. at least until jake entered the picture (fake name, separate post coming later). for the quickest context, he was 19 when i met him and by this point around 20-21. i fell in love with him. i don't even know why but i really did. multiple times. it was the first time i couldn't get rid of a crush, which was a new and very NOT fun experience. and when we finally did date, it was three days of him refusing to talk to me and then breaking up with me and blaming me. it was not fun. i think this was the first time that something romantic fucked me up because i didn't really trust anyone after this until i met nathan. and if you read the post about him, you know how that went. point being, that fucked me up more. and then i had another friend after nathan and before the one i met through bumble that also fucked me up more. and that's kinda what got me to want to write this post in the first place outside of the hypersexuaity part (comes later). i know i said in the last post how unsure i felt about relationships. and i won't say that's not untrue, but i have my answer.

i don't think i want to be in a relationship. i like being alone. i like being by myself and doing what i want. i care about everyone so much, but that feeling people say you get when you wanna do anything for your partner . . . i just don't get. i didn't really get it with nathan even though we were together for long enough and i did feel something towards him. but i never got that feeling. i did a lot for him and it was mainly because i natually have a similar instinct to help anyone because it's just who i am. but like i like my routine and for some reason, it actually makes me upset at times to imagine changing it for a relationship. i don't even know why but i'm kinda just accepting it. i'm not the most likable person and i know that also affects my "chances," as it usually gets labeled. i still have a lot of bad habits and toxic behaviors that i'm working to change but i know it turns a lot of people off of me than i'd want.

but i don't care, tbh in the romantic sense. it's so weird to try to explain to people that i don't feel things like that. i came to a realization a couple months back when i figured out the hyperfixations getting confused for a crush shit. it made so much sense to me when i learned the possibility of that with people with adhd and shit. and it just blew my mind.

until one of my closest friends at the time labeled it as weird and said i'm not normal for feeling like that. that got to me. i didn't expect someone that close to me to respond like that. at that point i hadn't even figured out the aromantic label yet and moreso if it was fitting for me. but that made me almost not want to. because i felt like i wasn't normal enough to deserve to get the answer. it really really hurt coming from them which only made it worse. but i eventually pushed through by myself and came to aromantic. it took me a long time to actually confidently say it because i kept thinking i was demi. i kept mixing hyperfixations up left and right (that didn't even last long enough to really count) and it kept making me wonder if maybe i still could feel that way. honestly, i don't discount it permanently. no one knows what the future holds.

anyways, yeah.

the only reason i'm so concerned about labels isn't because i have something to prove or whatever. it just. i have felt hopeless my entire life because everything others felt or did, i was the opposite. and most of it being not on purpose too made it infinitely worse mentally. it dragged me down because i thought i'd never get answers. and honestly, i wonder sometimes what my child self would think now about me. i really wonder. to be fair, they'd probably ask why i'm even still alive but yknow.

the point why i'm writing a second post on being / feeling aromantic isn't to retell what i already had written. i completely forgot i wrote that original post until half-way through writing this AND i only found it by complete accident lmao. EITHER WAY. what i really wanted to write about was the way my brain mixes up hyperfixations as crushes and what that feels like to me. because all of what i wrote prior to this was supposed to be context but i'm a yapper. to me, it doesn't feel like a hyperfixation until it's over. and i'll be real and say that i don't honestly even know what a real crush is supposed to feel like. when i started to like nathan, i only noticed because of things like how he was the only person i was talking to. or how my mood was starting to be affected by how he was doing. or how i really did want to spend every second of my life with him (which was a rare thought but it was there for a moment). stuff like that. and even now i'm not sure if it was a crush or just a really long hyperfixation. because to me, hyperfixations are things i want to spend every moment on. things i can't stop thinking about. sometimes they do affect my mood in ways that are hard to explain. i mean, this entire thing is hard as fuck to explain but yknow. and what made it more complicated was a lot of the "hyperfixation-crushes", or whatever the hell you wanna call them, started going away insanely fast. right before i realized i was most likely aromantic, i thought i had a crush on three different people. all three started and ended within 6 hours and it wasn't like how i felt with nathan. it felt like something was there, but it was almost unreachable. and the more i tried, the more it went away until suddenly it felt like i snapped out of something and woke up. and it was gone. like i know that sounds dramatic as hell, but that's how it felt. that's genuinely how it felt / feels for me.

and i remember trying to explain this to my friends . . . and they dismissed it and called me weird. which hurt. it wasn't like a big insult but this was me trying to figure myself out. and the friends whom said they would be supportive as they were queer themselves dismissed me and said that it wasn't real. i still don't understand myself. i still don't understand what got me here or where i fall on the spectrum where labels do and don't matter (they matter right now for me because i've had no answers for so fucking long). i still don't understand most of me and everything and. i don't know.

it's hard to talk about. it's hard to be honest and open because it makes me feel like. i'll never be accepted. which is unfortunately how i've felt my entire life growing up how i did but that's for another post. either way.

this is honestly a topic i don't see a proper way to transition into, but i wanna talk about having hypersexuality as someone with bpd who is also aro. because let me just say that it's hell. i mean, i doubt it has anything with my capability to form or not form romantic thoughts and feelings but. anyways. i haven't had a proper off-period in almost six months and it's killing me. for folks who don't know, depending on the person will depend on the specifics of their hypersexuality (if they have it because i believe while it's common with folks who have bpd, it's not guaranteed). the most common ways it presents though are periods where sex is the only thing they can think about and usually will lead one to do anything they can to get sex, even if it means putting themselves in harms way. the other way it presents is of utter disgust towards anything sexual to a point where they usually don't even feel the need to masturbate because it's just. too much. i have been fucking stuck in the first way for almost half a god damn year. and it's so so so painful.

because a lot of days for me, i wake up and just feel horny. and so i do what i need to do and it's not enough. and i ironically don't get good enough luck on any hookup apps to actually "put myself in harms way" as i put it (or effectively ignoring any warning signs because sex). so i end up averaging out at five or six times (masturbation) because i got no responses and nothing else is working. and it's a living hell because when it kicks in, it kicks in. and there's nothing i do besides have sex or something to get it to stop. like it doesn't matter what i was doing. my brain just shuts off. i literally get a feeling of like being so uncomfortable because all i want to do is have sex. i don't remember when or if i last had an off period. because i think back to a moment when i was eighteen. i mentioned it slightly in my introduction post, but when i was eighteen i signed up for grindr. at this point, i was already relieving myself 2-3 times a day minimum and some going up to 4-5. and when i got on grindr, i was actually looking for a long-term relationship. i don't remember that lasting long before i realized i could use it for hookups and eventually dropped my walls and said fuck it. and this is where i need to mention two things. the main event and the way i approach(ed) hookup apps.

the way i approach(ed) hookup apps once i dropped the "i want a relationship" thing was that i had / still kinda have no regard for safety. all i wanted to know was that they weren't like 55, had a decent member, and if they'd be down to fuck. i ask now, but at the time i didn't even ask for stds or anything of the sort. when i get on a hookup app, i lose a complete sense of time. not because i want to, but because i become so horny all i can fuckin think about is finding someone. anyone. there's been times where my body starts shaking because of it. it's awful. but yeah, i had no sense of making sure it was safe for me to do. which also pissed everyone off because i was also so forward with what i wanted that i was impatient and desperate and all that. i'm not proud of it, but half the time it feels like i literally cannot help it. it's something else that's so difficult to explain (or unfortunately get some to believe). but that leads into the main event.

the "main event" was the moment that this all came crashing down on me. i found a guy on grindr who said he'd be willing to let me top and he'd give me head and all the lot. i was down and we exchanged pictures and he told me where he was located. the one stipulation he had was that i needed to pay for him to get some weed. i was desperate, so i agreed. i went to my mom, lied and said i was meeting friends from college, and then drove off to cincinnati after going to the bank to get the money. before i go any further, i am a bottom LOL. i also didn't really know my identity then and while i don't particularly hate my biological parts, i am not proud of it. this was a rare occasion. anyways. i picked up the guy and immediately, he gave me meth-head vibes which did make me a little nervous. at the same time, i completely did not care because we were gonna fuck. i gave him the money and he offered to blow me while i drove him to his dealer's. i declined because i could barely focus on driving as it was. once we got there, he got out and said he'd be a minute. i left my car running in the in-between mode where it uses your battery but no gas. a few minutes go by and he texts me saying he was making sure he was cleaned out and was sorry for it taking so long. i got like one text after this and then he disappeared entirely. i waited for hours longer than i should have because it was like 9:30 i think when i left and was 11, almost 12 am by this point. so i finally said fuck it and was gearing to leave...

until i realized my car had completely died. yeah. the in-between state didn't feel so smart now lmao. my mom was panicking because i wasn't home. i was starting to freeze because it was like 32 degrees F outside. i had this big comforter in my trunk and that did nothing! it was to a point where my body was physically shaking because it had lost that much heat. i had no heater i could run, nowhere to go. it was the scariest moment of my life. and at this point, 2 - 3 am. finally AAA comes and jumps my car and i get home at around 3 am. it took me the entire car ride with the heater blasting to even feel my hands again. not my body, just hands. it was bad. and i do admit, i wouldn't do it again. i've been a lot more careful now than before.

but it's not just hookup apps. for me, hypersexuality ruins relationships. nathan and i were never going to work out, but the second i had to start seeing him in a more sexual nature, it was done for. and i will never forgive myself for that. and it's never changed. if i had a close relationship with anyone and it became sexual, it'd be over. and this is what really makes me feel so abnormal. cause i hate it so much. i fucking hate feeling so horny that i almost mentally shut down or the willingness to almost end my life for maybe sex. or ruining relationships because no matter how hard i try, all i can think about is us fucking. it's my living hell. i genuinely feel like some days i can't even get anything done because i just can't stop feeling horny. even though i don't even have it in me physically to have sex, it won't stop or go away.

this post is way too long lmao. but yeah that's me sharing more than i ever thought i would. if this helps someone even just by putting into words maybe what you thought wasn't possible, then i'm glad /gen. i just wish it didn't make going day by day so unnecessarily difficult. like as if it wasn't hard enough

[de4dlyniightshade]

heyy :) erm im gonna fangirl really quick and then the request will be at the end incase you wanna skip to that part or anything, lol. okay so this is very much unnecessary and unasked for and blah blah but i don't care! i believe writers need to hear how much we appreciate them and their works because whew mama! ive been trying to write fics for like months and it actually is so horrible. i genuinely start to angrily vibrate bc my thoughts don't flow on the notes app. but i just wanted to say, nightshade, (ehehe that's so cheeky and silly for some reason) that i reallyyy love your work. its actually like horrific how much your writing just makes me so 😜😊🤭 i know you're not like a celebrity or anything, so it's gonna be weird with this like mini parasocial relationship thing, but please know your work has an impact !! a few months ago, i did something extremely bad and out of character while i was spiraling, and i decided that the best decision for me would be to quit using social media. (and beforehand i had quit using tiktok for like 7 months already and i wasn't that addicted to my phone but i still was consuming negative media) so, ofc, i stopped completely for a good month or so and only ever using youtube every now and then. buttttt, one of the first social media platforms i came back to first... was tumblr! it's actually so silly too because i only used tumblr like 4 times beforehand so i was quite new. but anyway anyway (im a yapper UGH) i really found that your posts had made me feel happy :) idk they kinda reminded me of myself before i went big bad that one time and it made me inspired to go back to how i used to be... u get me?? you're writing literally haunts my brain oh my lord it should be illegal to read your stuff because afterwards i literally have this crazy ass urge to read more and more and more. im lowkey an addict cause i be having my deadlynightshade withdrawals. the way you write is just so 😫 gosh, it's beautiful. i also love ur sillyness because like ME TOO. your random little posts are so me coded and i love it. YOU'RE SO FUNNY 😭 uhmm i just wanted to say thanks for being super cool and talented because believe it or not, the stuff you put out makes me really happy! (that was so melodramatic like mf they write about spencer being a pathetic pussy drunk bitch why are you saying it changed ur life?? its true tho.) erm yeah that's the end of that part i just again wanted to thank you 🙏 i wish we were friends SO BAD like you're actually awesome what the fuck.... but like how do u even become friends w ppl?? LMAO ERM ANYWAY 😍 can you write a blurb or h.c or something (honestly anything will make me happy) about valentine's day?? 🤭 basically spencer being SO FUCKING SHY because you can't stop touching his hands or hair subtly or like kissing his cheek leaving marks from lipstick or like getting him his favorite snacks/drinks/books/textures/ basically a gift that made u think about him?? ugh or him doing the same with you like him being the best fucking nerd boy ever and spoiling you so much like he goes ape shit spending well over his funds limit but it's worth it because it's you? or like sweet soft cutie pie sex? at the end of the day and he's like... Erm.. Pussy for 1 please! you were so pretty today... You always are-! (I'm mentally ill and writing this at 8:37 pm on a thursday night.)

this is. the sweetest shit anyone has ever said to me i actually cried ngl to you.

i'm genuinely so thankful for the little community i have created here i never expected such an insane amount of positivity and love from people just for the whack ass shit i write but that's probably just my perpetual self hatred and disbelief that people enjoy anything about me🤞

i think it's crazy how people on the internet who have never met me, don't know me, what i look like, or anything can treat me better than any of my friends have and i'll always be thankful for that.

ALSO! i love being called funny pls kiss me i never think i'm actually funny istg

i was also planning on writing a valentines fic ALREADY but this made me wanna write it even more as a thank you for this message it genuinely made my week(can't promise it ON TIME for valentines but i can try!)

i'm also so glad that my work and blog makes you happy, there's no privilege greater than making someone smile even when they don't feel like it</3

[itsdappleagain]

CS WEEKLY #2 BABY! Oh yeah two part opener. Also ummmm its still Saturday right?? Haha...I'm late.

ANYWAY HERE WE GOOOO

How. did they not hear her in there lmaooo

If Player was tracking her altitude as well can you imagine what he thought when she suddenly plummeted from a plane wheeze

I love the "I don't have a parachute" line 1/ its so black sheep. its so cute 2. YOU DIDN'T??? THINK OF THAT??

gay people. also glad el topo got over his fear of heights with his bf around

tigress meowing and flailing around whe gray kicks her out of the helicopter is the funniest fucking thing also can helicopters even get to heights that you can parachute from? I guess so

black sheep is so lucky cracker was the last one to jump can you imagine she just grabs tigress by the shoulders or something

POV you have a parachute

I LOVE THE HANDHELDISH CAMERA AS THEY DROP OUT OF SCREEN AND THEN IT FOLLOWS THEM DOWN AS THEY SPIRAL AND ZOOMS THATS MY FAVORITE ANIMATION STYLE EVER

here starts my gripe (well publicly) with gina rodriguez for being a mediocre voice actor imo. like black sheep, plummeting at maximum velocity and only clinging on my her fingertips to safety: um don't let go :/

gray sounds like such an older brother wheeze WHAT'LL MOM AND DAD DO WHEN THEY FOUND OUT U SNUCK OUT WITH ME

also black sheep is so funny. who cares >:) I'll be long gone WHERE. WHERE ARE YOU GOING. also, at this point she isn't trying to defect. what is she going to do? steal something? that seems like a good way to get forever grounded, stealing something random without authority

the little "uhg" scoff black sheep does. she's such a teenager

what is emitting THAT MUCH LIGHT FROM THAT ARCHWAY

chickens do fly, cleo, chickens do fly

mime bomb is so funny its such a shame they couldnt have him in season 2 because they couldn't get his voice actor back

ohhh i forgot they did the title card after the ominous cleaners thing i love that so much

CASABLANCA!!!! SHE IS IN MOROCCOOOO also my headcanon is that casablanca was the first movie carmen ever saw when she escaped vile. I HAVE PROOF TOO she references the movie in TSONTS so hah.

i hope she still has that picture she took

all these doorways are blindingly lighted

ALL OF BLACK SHEEP'S BRAINCELLS RUBBING TOGETHER TO COME UP WITH A REASON SHE'S AT THIS RANDOM ASS DIGSITE

carmen was a dinosaur kid confirmed

i LOVE how she jumps down the ramp its so. shes such a kid

i like how black sheep is characterized- doesn't care about stealing, finds it like a game, interested in reward and loves the risk. i just...find it hard to believe that one guy changed her mind completely from 15 years or whatever of conditioning from VILE. idk. i guess i understand how seeing some guy almost die at the hands of your brother figure would shake you up but carmen puts her WHOLE pussy into taking down VILE after that one five minute conversation

THERE'S NO EXPRESSION ON HER FACE AS THE DIGSITE GUY TALKS TO HER AT ALLL ITS SO FUCKING FUNNYY shes just like brrrrrrrr ohg i have morals now...

i love the order of black sheep going "gray must have cut the power" then thinking about it and being like hmmm and THEN realizing that it must be the caper

i love the way le chevre runs up that wall

IM DYING

why did le chevre??? climb up that wall and then....use the rope...to jump down again.... i mean i know it was for the dramatic split kick to knock out the guards but STILL

the blown kiss ahag

OKAY ANYONE ELSE SUPER CONFUSED BY WHERE EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING OKAY WAIT

it shows us super up close le chevre and tigress taking out guards and workers but then??

WAY UP THERE??

why are they so far away??? the eye of vishnu is right next to black sheep?? or wat no it was far away but then el topo stole it and tunneled...further away? but closer to BS?? why did he do that and not just go offsite to get away? im so confused

also i love that digsite guy sees black sheep confronting the thief and goes wow she must be working with them not that he was wrong but

very strange that graham is sort of...the muscle? like he turns out the lights but this time he's also sort of a bodyguard for the gem

as much as I complained about it earlier the moment of realization for black sheep hits so hard

also what was tigress doing up there. did she kill all those people or what because if they left no witnesses did they just. leave a whole digsite full of people dead. like they totally killed Digsite Guy after Black Sheep got chloroform'd right

why did they need to many people for this job wheeze what was le chevre doing there either...its. idk

also she did NOT protect the face HAH

"gray" *smacks him with the stick*

they should have let carmen attempt to hit people violently with a stick more often because she failed so bad it was hilarious

the chloroforming is such a cool thing the cleaners do. like. i know its cliche but the fight way later on in season 4 is so much scarier because carmen is so weakened. i'll get to the parallels of that scene with this one way down the line in s4 tho

the added animation of carmen and gray gently rocking as the train stops/starts is my FAVORITE DETAIL EVER

oh fuck i forgot they do let carmen hit gray violently with a stick later on in the ep nevermind

OKAY HEY JACKIE AND I FOUND OUT (via CS Dream's big analysis video) THAT THEY CHANGED GRAY'S EXPRESSION POST-RELEASE IN THE GRADUATION SCENE? SO HERE'S THAT HE USED TO BE SMILING

The absolute delicious irony of Shadow-san being the one to say "No one or thing must stand int he way of achieving our goals" when HE brought Carmen back OH MY GODD

"you've earned your place at our elite table" all of season two's VILE arc entirely disproves that

evil evil evil evil evil evil evil ev

that sneer carmen let's lose when she repeats "evil" is so fucking good they almost never let her be that expressive or disdainful again

also the lean forwards as she says her entire upbringing was a lie is so. idk. almost intimate? she doesn't say it nonchalantly, sitting back and sneering. she leans forward. its important to her.

"steal lives" could be the worst decision the show had to make due to the young rating. but also consider: its funny carmen is going on about how her life was a lie and how crime causes irreparable harm and then she goes STEALING LIVES

anyone else forget chase exists every time they watch this episode. ALSO HEY. SHOUT OUT TO MOTIFS BECAUSE CARMEN'S THEME AND CHASE'S THEME ARE SO DISTINCT AND ARGEHGGSHDSHGRHGWH BARK THEY'RE SO GOOD THEY REPETITIVE HEAVY BRASS OF CHASE'S THEME BRAZENLY ANNOUNCING HIM IS SUCH A GOOD DECISION

the hood flying off of the car i mentioned it in my last cs weekly post but. its so funny

they get to that point so fast the steals from other thieves thing. i dream to see a mystery unveiling of that but only in my fanfic dreams

did he ever hang up on her or did she just hear him kick the door and then distantly commandeer a plane

he's so sinister about "your name" like why was that so menacing girl

carmen putting on that confident mask after crackle crackles on the crackle rod

someone's already mentioned brunt's bone-crushing hug foreshadowing and just. ough.

when black sheep comes back to the island and coach hugs her there are to uniformed students in the back...i wonder if thats the new class or if they're leftover from last year? because black sheep says she's all alone

girl it wasn't an escape attempt you didn't want to defect from VILE the first time

i love the raindrop running down her face like a tear when she decides to leave the dolls

ITS BEEN LIKE A YEAR WHY ARE THEY STILL TALKING ABOUT BLACK SHEEP'S PHONE

i like the detail of black sheep looking up before its revealed that she hid in the ceiling

strudelhaus of dusseldorf

"strange people have been answering your phone" i wonder if player ever talked with the faculty jshagjhfad

player's like OH YEAH YOURE A CRIMINAL and then shes like yeah but not like that and hes just like oh ok sure. cool

RITAAAA

i love the precursor to the comm earrings

maelstrom and booker give ex energy

the type of physical comedy they use with carmen saying that she has to be undetected and then showing mime bomb watch her say it is so fucking funny and so fucking underutilized

ALSO WITH CARMEN SAYING SHHH QUIET TO A MIME

i also like the detail of mb throwing the flower away

that animation of bs's hair as she whips around at mb is so cool

also the gag of mb running in place he's so funny

OKAY hi i'm obsessive but the details of both here and in the boston episode (carmen's first caper) bs/carmen is OUT OF BREATH when she's running but she isn't in later episodes WE CAN SEE HER GET IN SHAPE AS SHE DOES CAPERS isnt that cool???

the music picking up as black sheep races towards the elevator!!

HI OLD WITWICS THEME MUSIC IN THE ELEVATOR <3333

this is an underrated scene i think. of course later there's the physical "passing on of the hat" from rita to gina but this conversation is kind of...that. the old from the new. idk its really cool :)

"my you've grown" you saw her last year and she looked exactly the same

i like to think that black sheep realized she was being a dick to cookie booker after the eye of vishnu heist because idk. you know what its a cool little development moment

she looks so happy about the apology being accepted its so sweet <3 i mean. she does steal from her seconds after but

does she switch the hard drive as cookie exits or when they shake?? has to be when she exits but how the hell did she do that

RED LIGHTING!!!! we gotta know carmen's gonna come out on top now <33 ALSO the coat!!! the coatttttt

i adore how black sheep slumps down in the muck defeated and screaming no she's so dramatic about it

its like she dies

THE RED LIGHT ON THE SWORD GGRR R RBARK BRBWERB BARK CS COLOR THEORY HE'S ACTUALLY HELPING HER THE WHOLE TIME

THE SKID AS BS BACKPEDALS WHEN SHE SEES BOOKER IS SO COMEDICALLY PERFECT

CARMEN'S THEME GOING OFF FOR THE FIRST TIME (WHILE WE SEE HER AS BLACK SHEEP) WHEN SHE SEES RITA'S OG COAT AND HAT IS MY FAVORITE ITS SO GOOD AGHHH

how those stilts are staying in the shoes i will never know

also we never see those stilts again, kinda sad :( woulda been cool to have an operative who used em

the arrivederci imitation was SO BALLSY

cookie after the kid she made up with and gave life advice ties her up and shoves her in a closet five minutes later:

i love the shot of carmen running down the beach towards the boat in the coat from far away

realizing that shadow-san came directly from cutting the heli wires when he told the cleaners to prep air support...

captain was super ready to straight up shoot bs with a spear gun

THAT RUN AND JUMP WITH THE STILTS AND HEELS? I DONT THINK SO

also the look of regret when she knocks out the captain like maybe she wishes she could apologize to him too..

i like that boris seems to have a bit of a soft spot for black sheep- both of them, actually

OH MY GOD THE WIRES BEING RED TOO this sounds like "WHAT COLOR IS THE DOOR AND WHAT DOES IT MEAN" but i swear to god its intentional its theory its

shadowsan, barreling at the boat with a sword out: this surely looks friendly and approachable, and i should keep the sword up though i am much too far away from anyone who could stop me

do you think they have a driving class on vile island but bs was too young to take it or

anime protag?

again. the score is so good RELEASE AN OST RELEASE IT

black sheep. he cant hear you

THE VICTORIOUS USE OF HER THEME AS SHE DRIVES AWAY IT KILLS MEEE

carmen presses the arrow key to call player

the tenderness and relief in her voice as she tells him she made it out absolutely kills me every time. also player being comparatively nonchalant when he answers because he doesnt know how dangerous vile really is yet..

player u already triangulated her position like 8 months ago when she got off the first time but ok

also shocked carmen didnt figure that out herself after they landed in MOROCCO? CASABLANCA, MOROCCO BY HELICOPTER?? what other islands were there????

anyway

pulled her name from a hat

also. her theme again. yes i will keep pointing out themes and motifs

the only thing about the cs artstyle is...those 3/4 profiles. yikes.

chase looks great 👍 also where the hell did he land that thing

i find gray's orders to kill carmen if she didn't come home surprising, seeing as for the rest of the damn series they try to just capture her

carmen took all that time to say her name HE LITERALLY COULD HAVE JUST KILLED YOU your last words could have been "i told you i go b"

this fight is actually really fun. the arcs of electricity as gray smashes down on where her head was three seconds earlier, their physical strength grappling to keep the other away as carmen figure out how to disarm him

god the setup for the finale with this fight right at the very start. i KNOW it wasnt supposed to be setup but it is now

oh wait she doesnt hit him with a stick she kicks him. shit. nevermind. still a cool ass kick tho

they don't ever protect the face. PAPER STAR DOES THOUGH ACTUALLY she's cool

that must have hurt her knee so bad snapping the crackle rod. the metal crackle rod

SEE HERE NOW PLAYER BEING CONCERNED OVER HER DISAPPEARANCE

THE WAY SHE LOOKS BACK AND DISAPPEARS BEHIND THE POLE MWAHG CHEFS KISS

also chase is so funny too

julia's still so polite to him </3 u dont have to be girl

ive never noticed players little pat of the hard drive when he talks about the entries that was cute

cs does a pretty good job of transition sentences between episodes. this one mentions indonesia, indonesia mentions ecuador, ecuador mentions the vermeers, so on and so forth

its almost like...you'll always have paris...right? riiight

they literally only use "red-eye" because it has red in it i love it <3

and we've set up acme!!! ahhh this is good

AND THE CUT TO BLACK WITH THE MUSIC MMM

okay. solid episode <333333 sorry it was so late. BYE NOW!

p.s. ah yes, vile "never leave a witness" and also "hide in plain sight" crime organization...makes sense

[goblins-riddles-or-frocks]

The grooming one made me think: what do you think of the Darkling and Ivan's relationship?

Re: this ask

I think it, and Ivan generally as a character, is severely underutilized and I’m mad that he dies so quickly in S&S. I have a lot of like circa 2015 fanon HCs about him— which is an ENTIRELY different vibe from post show fanon. But that’s neither here nor there.

In my opinion, the trilogy especially, is very much about like gendered exploitation and the privilege men have over women. So their dynamic is just framed differently, or at least isn’t given as much attention. I also think? that Ivan is an adult? It’s hard to say lol but he seems to be like in the army proper and completely finished with Grisha!high school.

However, as we see with Zoya, the Darkling’s usual mode seems to be like selecting his favorites when they’re still training and then enlisting them in his service— which could certainly be dubious! But we don’t see enough to draw many conclusions.

Anyway, the broad brush strokes of Ivan as the Darkling’s right hand man, who starts out fairly genuinely devoted to him, but then post nichevo’ya discovery/general insanity spiraling is unnerved by and afraid of him is really interesting! And I’d even argue that Ivan’s late S&B speech to Alina about why he’s devoted to the Darkling’s cause (his family kept dying in the war; everyone in power is so very sorry but the Darkling’s the only one who’s going to do anything about it) is the main linchpin for his side’s ideology and what characterizes it at all beyond cartoon fascism. It’s something I was REALLY mad the show chose not to include!! So he’s a really important character but yeah idk many missed opportunities and there’s not much to work with without having to fill in some blanks!