#anyways idk why i started spiraling over that but yeah !

[satoruxx]

me when i remember my name isn’t rheya….

[kelbottumbles]

How I found my way back to shipper heaven/hell: a Cautionary tale

It started with the Bee-nado.

I wasn't planning on finding a new ship, or a new fandom to obsess over. It has been YEARS since the last time a fictional show or couple dominated my thoughts and drove me to Ao3. This wasn’t part of the plan!

But some time in early September or so, there were adds for the 9-1-1 season premiere during some show I was watching, and it looked so STUPID that I was sure it was gonna be a good time. I expected to watch 1 episode and laugh at the beenado, and then that would be it. But then the bees caused the plane to crash and the ensuing cliffhanger, so OFC I had to tune in again for THAT. And then maybe just one more ep just for fun. And then... why not start a full watch from season 1 ?

And then I started looking at the characters, remembering I had a couple mutuals that shipped some firefighter boys back in the day - was that THIS show? I couldn't fully tell or remember. There are a bunch of shows with firefighters, right? Idk, but my *vibes* radar was set to high alert.

And then I got to season 2 and Eddie fucking Diaz shows up, and i got suspicious right away. The chemistry was off the charts from his first episode. What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man...

And they had me interested from the start, but I wasn't spiraling. Yet.

And then that Goddamn Tsunami hit. And I dont think someone could oversell the emotional impact and obsession that sparked inside me. These were NOT just friends. These guys were SOULMATES and it was so fucking CLEAR, like the writers left zero room for ambiguity, imo.

And then Eddie writes Buck into his will??? And then Eddie gets shot and stares into Buck's eyes as he lays there, and by that time my shipper heart was off to the races like a runaway freight train with no brakes.

Holy fucking shit, it's been ALMOST A DECADE since I've shipped a non-canon couple and I'd forgotten how exhausting (and exhilarating) it can be!

Anyways, my brain is Buddie mush now. If you need me, I'll be on Ao3 reading fic. Or apparently WRITING fic??? Like, what????

So yeah, if you're in the mood to completely flip your life over onto its head, maybe give 9-1-1 on ABC a shot???

[crackhead4]

I had this idea in my head about an AU from the new transformers one movie.

So you know how the planet is made by this basically higher entity? God? Idk, and they probably knew what exactly was happening on this planet cause , well, they ARE the planet.

What happens if they weren't happy with the outcome of the end of the movie? What happens if they send some back in time with their memory intact completely? They knew exactly what happens, where everyone is like they can feel a bug on their own body. They remember the exact events that made their time line their own, even if they weren't involved in these events.

Now imagine, the obvious choice would be Optimus Prime because of the matrix and stuff, BUT now hold on, IF IT WASN'T HIM. not to like be nice to do the poor guy like noooo. I feel like this AU he should also keep his memories. However, he doesn't know that their HIS memories. That he has these very life like (or robot like?) dreams while he sleeps. He doesn't know why he has them, he doesn't know how they started, why this is only happening to him, he doesn't want to know why this look alike D-16 doesn't act like HIS D-16 and he doesn't even know why his brain ( or is it like brain panel or smth) us making up thus crazy conspiracy theory about Sentinel Prime. All he does know, however, is something in his veins ( I'm not even attempting to try and guess the robot version of veins) is telling him to stay close to HIS D-16. He probably thinks he's going crazy but is lole really good at hiding it, so he goes down to like the archeives to see what the answer is to allllll his questions and dream problem.

ANYWAY (I swerved very off topic) the mech I want to see spiral themselves in the future is D-16, not because there are probably better options like Elita or Bee or hell even Sentinel Prime would be a crazy thing to happen. I WANT TO SEE THIS MAN SUFFER, THAYS WHY.

Because just imagine how Megatron must feel after the movies, it would be perfect and so goddamn MESSY. He probably in grief with losing his best friend/lover (cause we all saw what was going on), then seeing and believing the fact that the matrix is using his dead best friend/lover's body as a way to beat him, having to battle the guilt he must feel for letting go of Orion while he battles this Optimus Prime wear that wears Orion's skin and THEN getting banished by his only home, taking over and leading a whole revolution army on the same night AND THUS (and yes that wasn't a type-o that says THUS) creating THE most depressing, heartbreaking, dramatic, bloody divorce in the history of Cybroton have ever seen.

So now you can see why I want to just pull this mindset and just plop it right back into D-16, the cogless miner. He restarts again from the very beginning, with Orion waking him up, saying he has an idea. The utter carnage and chaos that would ensue would be beyond my imagination right now at like 9:07 at night.

BUT YEAH CIRCLE BACK to the fact that I said they would remember every major event that caused their timeliness to be THEIR timeline, which would mean Megatron would remember everything that happened. He would remember Sentinel Prime's betrayal not just like D-16 but as the Primes the crime wqs committed to. He would feel it like Alphatrion, Megatronus and etc. He would feel the utter rage that Sentinel had when the matrix didn't choose him as the leader and faded right in his hands. He would feel the detach when Airachnid would feel when watching over Sentinel's shoulder and seeing exactly what he does and seeing nothing wrong with it.

HE WOULD FEEL SO MUCH AND I COUPD GO ON AND ON AND ON ABOUT, THIS BUT ANWAY-

I just really want to see what fanfic writers would make if given this prompt cause it's been on Mt mind and he'll I've thought about writing it about like inec as was like Hell no cause I know it would be atrocious to read.

Plus, I really wanted to get this idea just onto something, at least to get it out of my brain but now i don't think that's gonna happen cause now I'm gonna be daydreaming about how other people would work this story idea 😭😭.

BUT YH IF ANYONE IS GONNA MAKE THIS PLEASE TAG BE IN IT SO I COULD READ IT 🙏🙏🙏🙏

[cookiepie111]

Bite me. Love me

König x black reader

Part 2

A/N-He's weird a walking red flag but the red flags are hazy almost like they're not there? Like a marage. His red flags are something you quite can't put a finger on at first until you realise it's everything it's the sum of all he's doing. A good boyfriend but a bit strange Idk he's sort of a you gotta get uncomfortable before you get comfortable

For me könig a bit of a strange man a man. He kinda understands social cues, but sometimes gets them a bit wrong. he slightly pushes your boutons and boundaries to see what he can get away with and how he can squeeze you

It's kinda like he has you in his teeth but he's not actually biting down, just grinding and rolling you in-between his teeth, he likes it and you're 'safe' that way, he wouldn't actually hurt you

Listen, sorry for all that yapping, but you needed to hear it. Anyway, a longer/second part to könig failed flirting attempt.Please like, reblog, and comment. Not proofread

Tag list: @thatmusedhatter @himboelover @canyonswft13 @montenegroisr @kneelingshadowsalome @havikshoochiemama @wordstome @lanalafey

You lost a bag that's cool, that's fine, although wouldn't call it lost, stolen more like given? Bag was practically thrown it into the robbers' hands. self-preservation above all else.

You couldn't focus on a single thing. Thoughts and worries tangle in your head as you recall the past events in your kitchen. You survive all that time back home, not getting robbed, only for your black ass to be robbed in a cafe in Austria!

'Come to Austria they said it'll be fun they said!'

ID, cards, money, everything in that bag gone. Thrown to the hands of a strange man. Why you. You'd have to go to the police, file a report, call the bank, and freeze your cards. "Aghhh!" All you could do was drop the floor and cry.

Surprisingly, this wasn't the worst pick-up fail könig had, so he can at least find comfort in that. can't get any lower than rock bottom...

The purse in his hands looked comical small, maybe its him, his hands that are making it look so small. you couldn't keep all your things in here? maybe it's a trend for women to carry purses the size of apples, putting fashion over function. Not something that könig would do.

Those who saw the whole ordeal go down, now eye him with suspicion, wondering what his next move will be, gripping their own items closer. He can only laugh to himself if he wanted he'd have no problem taking their stuff away. But it's better to leave so he can find you.

Walking out, he takes the time to look through your bag. cards, ID, cash, so manu important things, and you just handed them over to him. Playing with the ID card in his hands, mulling over your features. you had such a pretty name, such a serious face you were making in your photo too, not at all like the frightened look you had before.

It's more than enough to track you down he still didn't get the chance to ask you out. He couldn't bring it back empty-handed. Maybe a new purse would do.

‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵

The kitchen floor provides a surprising amount of comfort in these moments. 5 panic attacks down, and you're only down starting to cry. The knock on the door is either about to be a blessing or curse. Maybe the police finally came, or a good samartain got your purse back.

There wouldn't be any blessing today. The other side of the door only showed your assailant. If the panic attacks weren't enough to send you over the edge, spiralling, seeing this man at your door certainly was. taking your purse wasn't enough, like some sick grim reaper he's come for your life.

Playing dead is an option, right? You'd have to be stupid to think you could outrun this man. Yeah, laying down for a quick kill would be best-

" I brought you a gift, to apologise"

A gift?

You kept your eyes on bag half because you couldn't believe him and also you were too scared to look him in the eyes.

"It seems I scared you back at the cafe, I only wanted to ask you out" he holds out a bag in front of you.

Ha. It was a mistake. A simple misunderstanding. You'd spent the better half of today crying on the floor because of some big man's poor flirting skills. You wanted to cry again.

Might as well take the bag. What's one more mistake or bad choice today. All your items are there, and you suddenly feel relife, tears welling in eyes as your knees buckle. Your purse, cards, sweets, the second half of the book you're reading? Wait, some of this isn't yours.... was he using your bag to hold his stuff?? You stare back at him, waiting for an answer.

" they're yours a gift to apologize"

"Oh"

Maybe it's all in your head. You're just on edge in a new place. You feel like you can finally relax. The tension knotted in your shoulders slowly unravels. You feel silly and like a wet dog

" I'm sorry about that. Thank you for bringing it back,"

"A date"

What. You see him now only closer than before threatening to enter the boundaries of your home.

" Let me take you out for a drink to apologise." It's such an intense stare he has, focused souly on you. It makes you uncomfortable, stepping back slightly to put some space between you, a bad idea, as he matched your pace stepping forward, foot now fully in your house. You started in disbelief. There's no way this man just stepped in your house, muddy shoes and all. For the last time today, you look back at him, annoyed. An surprise for könig but not an unwelcome one.

"I don't drink"

"coffee"

"No"

"Tea"

"Hmm "

he squints and pauses at that answer

'"a cafe"

"Leave please"

"I'll pick you up on Thursday"

He's barley out the door before you shut it on him, locking the door and pulling the chain

she didn't say no right away. That means he still got a chance.

‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵

It's Thursday afternoon and once again you're sat in the kitchen panicking as your feet tap along with the rhythm of the clock.

The whole morning was spent worrying out your mind. It's a miracle your heart hasn't given out yet. Maybe he was just messing you, and now you've spent the whole morning worrying for nothing. more time passed, and your worry turned to annoyance. You did your whole makeup for this, and he didn't show.

You jump up at the sound of the door, rushing to open it. You pause. Taking a moment to collect yourself before before opening the door.

He looks better than before, still donning that scary balaclava, but in more casual clothes and flowers in hand. He's too forward with his actions, pushing the bouquet in your hands before he even spoke.

It's awkward. He doesn't say much(because that worked so well the first time), and neither do you. This silent walk is too painful to bear.

At least you can say he's a gentleman (sort of). The date was paid in full, and he got a gift. You've learned a few things about könig now. His jokes are cheesy, but they did make you laugh. He resides in an upscale apartment that's too big for him (his words)outside of the city centre. Currently on break from the army (a potential red flag that'll lingered in your thoughts), he's got a big appetite and love for strong drinks.

This afternoon hadn't been all that unpleasant. You quite like the man, you find some strange comfort and safety in him. It's even nice when he pulls you close to him, resting a hand on your hip.

"Haha, are you happy to see me, or is that a knife in your pocket?"

"Knife."

"Hah-" and He pulled out a blade.

...

Oh. Now we're back to weird again.

Why couldn't he just be normal!? It's too casual the tricks he's doing with the knife. How were you supposed to pretend this was normal

You try your best to smile, to not turn and flee scream but your lips tremble. You're really wishing he did have a boner instead. You're not sure what to say or what annoys you more how casual he is, not a single worry on his face.

This is exactly why you shouldn't go out with strange men who randomly appear at your doorstep. At the very least, he's a strong contender for the "Most Heart Attacks Caused by a Man" award.

König wasn't stupid he could sense your worry as you tried to hide behind a lopsided smile. Watching your eyes shift between him and blade, waiting for his next move. You're cute. He'll have fun messing with you.

‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵

You couldn't be happier to be home. You survived! You'd never have to see that nasty man again!

*beep*

It doesn't matter how long you stare at your phone in confusion and annoyance. The message on your phone is clear

......

Where did this man even get your number!? He's known for a 2 whole day's, there's no chance he knows anyone close to you.

You're never going to be free of this man

[theanxiousghostartist]

TMAGP 32 Spoilers!

Reactions and theories

(Sorry, this is a day late, y'all. I got busy and couldn't listen last night 😭)

Reactions:

Alice, what are you doing? Are you looking to stop Freddie? ...are you looking for Colin?

All alone? Where's Celia?

Gwen, you don't sound like the boss 😭

Aww, she's looking for Sam.

Yeah, I kinda expected that.

I agree with Alice here, Trevor seemed useless 😭

Gwen does have a point though.

Noriss!!!

For my notes lol: Kyla Barber from Liverpool - environmental health officer (the corruption perhaps?); emergency contact - Violet Weaver; Doctors - (physical) Dr. Mika Volkova; (mental) Dr. Allen Cielo, Jozef Block (ooo, maybe Spiral then)

Alchemy????!!!!

No birds??? Canaries???

Notes again: Mann Island Developments

Ok, so she was marked. "Home" was capitalized.

This reminds me of the tree guy from s1

So she became the land??

The statuc as she gets angrier is such a cool detail!

Ok, so the land took her and Became her, using her as its vessel?

Celia!!!!

The plan seems pretty soild, but I'm suspicious of Celia's intentions with Sam.

A hand??? Colin??????????

Celia you saw teeth in your keyboard????

Is Freddie having trouble "digesting" Colin??

Gwen, babes, you're going to need help 😭

What email did you find Gwen???

Luke!!!

He's abroad?

Yeah! Let out your feelings!! Go Alice!!

Why do I feel like something bad has happened to Luke????

Theories:

The casement this episode reminded me of the guy from S1 who had killed his wife and turned into a tree that later connected to Newton's experiments with his dog. In this casement, Kyla seemed to have taken over (?) by the land and used as its vessel. This also reminds me of the Custodian of the Hilltop Centre, who seemed to have Become Hilltop Road itself. Based on this casement, I'm wondering if this is what was starting to happen with Colin. Freddie was trying to use him as its vessel, and when he resisted, it ate him. Gwen saw a hand pop in and out of her PC screen and Celia found teeth in her keyboard, this leads me to believe that Freddie is having trouble "digesting" Colin, which would also be the reason Gwen and Alice found his hand in the server with wires coming out of it. Matter cannot be created (unless Freddie has access to quantum physics and extremely fast/high powered energy/particles), so Freddie is struggling to reinvent his mass (aka the particles it stripped from him when it ate him). I think that this will go on for a while until we hear his voice in the 'puter, when everything will be finalized. Then, is when Freddie will start trying to create its body. However, I think it will need more victims and will go after whoever it assigned itself to (who will probably be the new IT person, whether the Team likes it or not).

I'm having trouble hearing the Freddie buzzes this season, but according to the comments, when Celia talked about Sam "leaving," it buzzed. This is basically confirming to me that she pushed him in.

Also, IDK why, but I feel like something really bad happened to Luke. He's traveling abroad, which could mean Vampyres or Werewolves as we saw in TMA. It would be very cruel to have Alice's only outside (unaffected) connection dead and force her into the horror completely (like S2 Jon). I know there are also some theories that Alice will be the next to die (mirroring Tim), but I think that she will be one of the last to do so. Wouldn't it be more cruel to have her watch everyone she cares about die or leave or betray her so she can't get an escape from the horrors?

Well, what about Teddy? If my theories are correct, he is either Becoming, working for Starkwell, or both. So, not really much of an escape. He IS the horrors.

Anyway, really good episode. I absolutely loved the casement. The writing was absolutely beautiful!

See y'all next week (hopefully on time too lol)!

[cheerfulmelancholies]

Writing Share Tag✏️

Thanks for the tag @winterandwords!

This is from something I just cooked up called "Midnight Rush" (tentative title. Idk how I like it.) I've been mulling over trying a sort of street racer story but haven't really decided how I want it to go. So I probably won't be talking about it a whole ton until it becomes more concrete, but I really liked working on this part! I'll probably be spending a few days editing it to suit whatever shape the story starts taking. Writing beneath the cut due to length.

It was another cool, crisp night. Despite the chilling breeze, Ryan and Lynn lingered near the docks where there was little human travel. It was their own secret spot; undisturbed by the interruptions of society or their wandering teammates.

Ryan stood idly on the short divider wall separating the pavement from the sand, hands in his jacket pockets as he stared into the watery expanse before him. Waves lapped at the shoreline, a sound he would have taken comfort in if not for the distracting melancholy of his companion. He glanced over at Lynn and found she still hadn't moved. Several feet away with her back to him as she laid her arms and head atop her car, she was the perfect picture of melancholy.

With a sigh, he hopped down from the wall and made his way over. She gave no response to his advance even as he stopped right beside her. Brows furrowed, he placed a hand on her shoulder and gave it a light squeeze. He frowned when he felt her muscles briefly tense as her head whipped to him, hair swinging from the motion.

"Are you OK?" he questioned her startled visage. Surely, she didn't forget he was here.

Lynn blinked the fear from her eyes as she shook his hand off and went back to staring at her paint job. She'd been absorbed in the silence for so long she'd forgotten about him. "Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?"

"It's just you've been so…" He gestured vaguely as though the air surrounding her were a tangible thing that could explain her recent demeanor.

Lynn knew what he meant regardless. "It's… nothing."

"Oh come on," he replied, giving her arm a friendly punch. "You should know better than to try and keep secrets from me." His faint smile faded at her silence. "Lynn? What is it?"

She shrugged.

His mind spun through a few possibilities before landing on the one that seemed the most likely. Lynn was considered a lot of things by a lot of people, and being as close to her as he was, he was privy to the true her. "Is it about what happened to Tyler?" Her sudden tension was all the answer he needed. With a tight grip on her arm he pulled her away from both her car and the guilty thoughts she was no doubt spiraling down.

"I know you're going to tell me it wasn't my fault," she declared before he could speak. "I'm well aware I had nothing to do with it."

A frustrated hum escaped him. "Then why are you beating yourself up over it so much?"

Something snapped before she could stop it. "Because I'm the leader! It's my job to deal with assholes like Eric! He was my problem first, not Tyler's! I'm supposed to keep you guys safe and I let…" She had to choke down a sob and compose herself.

Ryan's frustration at Lynn's hero complex overtook his need to stay calm. Using her momentary loss of composure to his advantage, he continued his quest to dispel the guilt–ridden thoughts from her mind. "We're all adults here, Lynn! We all know the risks we're taking by racing! You don't have to babysit us like we're children!"

Her eyes widened at his voice more than his words. All she could do was stare in shock.

Brain processing his uncharacteristic yelling, he took a breath and reined in his emotions. At a much lower volume but tone still firm, he continued, "No one blames you for what happened to Ty. Even he doesn't blame you. He knew Eric was a dirty bastard and still agreed to race him anyway. Granted, none of us saw this coming, but at the end of the day it's Eric everyone despises. Not you."

Lynn's sigh was shaky, but somehow she felt a painful weight leave her chest. She let Ryan pull her into a hug then, arms soon wrapping around in reciprocation.

"Are you done blaming yourself?"

"…Yeah. Thanks, Ryan. I really needed that." She received two heavy pats on the back before pulling away, smiling for the first time in weeks.

"There she is," he said to her expression. "Now that you're not tumbling down to rock bottom in your own head, what do you say we go visit Tyler? He asked me to sneak him some tacos earlier."

Lynn laughed out an affirmative as she opened the door and ducked into the driver's seat. Ryan followed suit and the two of them pulled onto the tiny back road before speeding away to the city.

No pressure tagging: @violetnshenanigans, @ieppiq, and @aalinaaaaaa plus open tag for whoever wants to try! I had more of a tag list here but tumblr kept glitching out when I was working on this. It took me like 5 tries to get all my writing to save 😭

[andthebubbles]

sooo i am back home from roc

i really enjoyed it!!! it was lovely seeing seb ... from far away ... again

i did liveblog this but i'll say it again: UHGGHGHJGJ HE WAS SO AGGRESSIVE WHEN DRIVING, ESP ON HIS FIRST RACE, IT WENT RIGHT TO MY LADYDICK and i'm gay

there were LOADS of empty seats, as i expected (i checked my section the day before) so we all spread out and stuff. it was quite nice

it started to get cold when it reached like 23C. yes. hush. i WILL argue that aus feels colder at higher temps than other countries bc we're drier. anyway, i wish i'd brought a jacket

speaking of clothes and stuff, they had merch, so i got the dark blue t-shirt. it fits perfectlyyyy

seb was very lovely and very hot and very fast (just apparently foiled by rain??? seb loeb also lost his first (only first? not sure) race in the rain so idk what's going on with the sebs lol)

sooo on another topic. idk if it's just those aussie commentators that we have, or maybe something else, but seriously they're so biased it makes me root against aus just so that i don't have to hear their smug voices. i'm not sure if this dates back to them hating on seb (or perhaps sucking mark's dick) during the RBR days, or if they're actually Just That Annoying, but skjnfgkfg after germany went out i started rooting for france and i felt like i was the only one doing so, so i kept very quiet about it skjfgnkfjng but i MEAN, it would've been EPIC nice if aus (one of our fucking teams anyway) had won the nation's cup for the first time--just taking that notion independently--but as it was... nah i'm not cut up about it lol

(anyway, this is why i don't listen to aus commentary if i can help it, because i LIKE pastry, and i wanna keep it that way)

our seats were o k. if i had known the podium/class photo thing was gonna be on the other side, i would've booked the other side, but hey, it was all right

re parking, bc we did park (we don't have a train station), it was pretty all right for like the shitty design that it is lol. didn't take too long to get out once we actually left the parking lot (we did sit there for a while just chilling and waiting for the queue to... reduce? bc i didn't see much point in having the car idling and contributing fumes/noise/whatever.)

tips to self if i ever need to park there for an event again: when entering, i think it might be better to go towards the rightmost entrances because i think those go to the lower floors? and ofc, park near the exit/the spiral

as for the stadium, i think it was aisle 134 which looks right over where the cars come out, perhaps from row 26 down (row 29(?) i think is for disabled?), but at some point further down you won't have the roof over you anymore, so you'll get pissed on if it rains. idk which aisle it was for where the cars go back under the... seats. but yeah, the seating map when booking didn't show this at all, so... OH wait lemme go look at it now since it'll still be up

...

ah okay!

so that's how it goes... wow that's SO expensive...

so that was when i clicked on "134"

why is it so expensive bc in the main menu thing it says orange is $149...

sooo this would be where the cars go back in (clicked "127" for this)

idk, i can only assume that tickets must've been cheaper for this section if you're not buying it like the day before the event? anyway i'd say that from row 25ish down (maybe row 24-23) you'd get pissed on if it rains

i don't know why section 126 isn't a straight line down the right hand side...

same with section 135 down the left hand side:

with these insane prices... i feel like they've run this event at a loss? skjfgkjfgn

anyway.

the stunts stuff was okay

my fave car was the rallycross car!!

and my least fave was the toyota 86 bc it didn't make any noise...

why no seb in the polaris? maybe tomorrow

i'm glad i'm not going tomorrow actually. once was enough haha. tomorrow i'll watch the broadcast... i still haven't checked what commentary the broadcast has, but as they're showing it on local TV this time, i suspect the commentary will be channel 10's dickwads... so.......... idk. i'd like to get the usual roc commentators if possible...

...i'm SURE i had something else to say

...

oh. valtteri and seb got pretty big cheers (valtteri poooooooossibly more than seb?) and mick less than seb, i think........ the aussie guys didn't get much cheers UNTIL THE SEMIS. the guys we were sorta sitting next to (on our right) seemed to be into the supercars guys

slightly painful to hear the mispronunciation of both valtteri and heikki's names lmao

why did they take out the chicane only for the final? well regardless, the flying cars looked EPIC and they were literally in front of me (albeit at quite a distance) so i have some shaky vids on like 5x-ish+ zoom

would've been nice to hear seb get interviewed, but i suspect they must've done that on the broadcast. actually i think i did see a vid? man i have so much of my dash to get through... AND i wanna play the sims tonight bc i got the new pack!!!

okay if i think of anything else i'll just add it to this post at the bottom. it's gotten too long

btw!!!!! already i thought of something lol. after going to this event, it makes me wanna go watch f1 again... maybe next year if they get rid of dynamic pricing?? i'll just do general admission bc i already did the stands before and that was all right but with GA i believe you can sit anywhere you want on the grass and possibly walk around? unless they've changed it now

on another note: gotta say, as we were all leaving the carpark, there certainly was some ~spirited driving going on, myself mildly included (mostly just a case of being a bit heavy on the accelerator and brake lmao)

[rivalsforlife]

Angsty idea that popped into my head and wanted to share:

Kay learning a variation of Logic Chess (as an interrogation technique/gameplay mechanic) from Edgeworth. And she’s studying to either be an investigator or a lawyer. She has Little Thief, but she needs was to get into out of witnesses and suspects to input the simulation, so she develops her own way of getting it.

(She calls it Crow Snatching or Brain Pit-Pocketing or something fun. There’s like anime ninja sword slashes and crow caws as sound effects only she can see instead of “Chess Dimension” lol)

anyway! Kay is a smart, emotionally intelligent girl, but that can also get a bit carried away right? So she’s now becoming buddies with “that Man”, and Nick of course has a massive soft spot for “weird little girls” so while even when he’s in his Hobo Nick era, he’s still willing to be a bit more open and indulgent with her, even as his own life spirals and his relationship with Edgeworth gets more and more tense and fraught again

And of course, Kay catches this. She’s like hmmm, but she’s content to learn about Nick and by extension him&Edgeworth the “normal” way. Just spending time together, playing with Trucy, working some European cases, hanging out and all that.

but!

There’s a trigger moment where Nick starts to get REALLY weird around Miles. Maybe a case they are all working with involves a missing person. Maybe him and Miles are arguing about if this person (be it potential victim or culprit or witness) and they are divided on if this person left voluntarily, or killed themselves.

And the usual back and forth court style argument keeps escalating and getting more tense and just…stops. Both Nick and Miles are like…we should keep investigating.

And Kay is like hmmm? What is that all about? And so at some point she’s like, asking Edgeworth and he brushes her off, and she tries to dig but nope, he’s the one that taught her about prying information out of people that don’t want to talk so he knows all her current tricks since she’s still learning.

So she tries approaching Nick, who has never actually been Logic Chessed by Edgeworth, (idk if he even knows about THAT yet lol) and starts poking. Kay convinces herself she’s being a good investigator, but also deep down she’s being nosy and hungry for information on both Mr. Edgeworth AND Nick, Edgeworth being such an important person in her life that rarely opens up about his past in any specifics, and Nick is clearly a big part of that past, she’s so hungry for this information and so new young and impulsive she doesn’t even stop to consider the ethics of what she’s doing and…

Anyway, she gets the information as to WHY Nick is so, um, worked up over the idea of someone disappearing voluntarily and leaving behind everything and everyone. And why Mr. Edgeworth is also a bit, uh, invested in the subject as well. She then has to grapple with the consequences and gets a lesson on privacy and letting things go (I love Kay but girly is a wee bit problematic on boundaries lol. Especially in fanon where she’s breaking into her friend’s houses all the time which is very in character for her imo)

She and Nick make up of course, Nick can’t exactly be TO mad about pushing boundaries with things people are hiding, he’s got a lie detector in his pocket and all that, and Kay also has to kinda incorporate this new information about Mr. Edgeworth into her full image of him. A very “parents are flawed humans” moment for her I think. I don’t know WHAT exactly she’s think of what he did with the Note™ and the disappearance and if that worries the part of her that fears of her losing parental figures, but yeah.

(also, turns out the missing person was murdered or was a murderer because AA gotta have murder cases)

This is fun!! I really enjoy thinking about Kay learning more about what Edgeworth was up to in the trilogy, especially since she thinks of him as a hero and Edgeworth seems to be unwilling to tell her about his past (like that one part in AAI2-2 where Eddie/Ray started talking about Gregory and Edgeworth interrupted him because it didn't concern Kay). I also love her adapting Logic Chess for her own purposes too, that's really cute.

And of course the missing person has to be related to a murder. everything in ace attorney is murder and if it's not murder yet it's going to be murder soon!

[beingfacetious]

haven't watched the finale yet so alas this is just a long sad post about my sad dumb life

you may recall i had an in-person interview a week or two ago for an in-person job! i was super dreading it because i love working from home but also, like, i got laid off in october and it's money time, lads

the interview was good! they liked Me, Specifically, A Lot. they had like read all my short stories online and shit and talked to me about my unique perspective blah blah, it was all Very Flattering

left that two-plus-hour interview, immediately had another three-hour-interview scheduled for this past week which turned into a five-plus-hour interview because they kept adding people who wanted to have lunch with me and meet me and whatever

spent the weekend SUPER spiraling into panic about changing my Literal Whole Life to work a fully in-office job

spent tuesday morning talking myself back into being excited about it

had the marathon interview tuesday afternoon, during which it turned out i actually would really like it and also during which MULTIPLE PEOPLE said to me variations of 'you should be very confident' and 'these interviews are really a formality.' reader, i am VERY good at social cues. it is not my imagination that i was meant to leave that afternoon believing the job was mine.

smash cut to yesterday morning, finally texting my recruiter like 'heyyy do you need anything from me?' but, you know, professionally

smash cut to yesterday EVENING, receiving, i shit you not, a form rejection email

is it possible i did something Badly Wrong during the interview?? yeah i guess so, idk, anything is possible, but it is definitely true that i got dragged through eight hours of interviews and experienced the whole cycle of interest-dread-panic-tentative excitement-real excitement-expectation-crushing disappointment lmao. for a job i initially didn't even want!! why make me want this job by acting like it really wanted me!! like!! the supervisor for the job adored me, he asked if i could start NEXT MONDAY, like ???????

anyway whatever, will i get over it no but life goes on but not for me

[batsplat]

Bat……baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattttttttttttt. The Casey / vale web weave….oh my got I am unwell 🥲🥹🥲🥹 truly outdid yourself on that one holy hell

:))))) thank youuuu exactly the feeling i'm trying to evoke

obviously this specific topic is one where i could like... go at it again from a completely different angle with plenty of other material, like it's such a rich mine of parallels. i mean the big parallel between agassi and casey is of course the whole 'hating the sport they dedicated their lives to' thing - and we have valentino being baffled at agassi's pov, which!! if you read the quote about valentino going 'well EYE could never hate motorcycle racing' then that has such rich implications for the casey/valentino dynamic, like agassi almost acts as this fun little proxy that allows valentino to say things he wouldn't say directly *about casey*. and pair THAT with valentino thinking casey isn't a romantic rider and all the riders today are too serious and sad..... huh. thinking

anyway that was one thing i barely touched... another bit i was thinking about is that obviously comparing the 1995 us open final with 2008 laguna seca does involve a bit of artistic license in that casey sticks clear from describing the laguna loss in quite such apocalyptic terms. idk if casey was really 'fantasising about retirement', though... i mean, he could have been!! i think one thing that is so special about agassi is that he's actually willing to SAY stuff like that, like i've said this before but his gift is this real vulnerability where he's also willing to kinda make himself look weak, look like an idiot. like emphasising how extremely not seriously he took sampras before the 1990 us open final!! and i don't mean this as a BAD thing, but casey is just not capable of that kind of emotional honesty - certainly not publicly. like agassi is just definitely a lot more self-aware. and... if you're describing this loss as the turning point of your entire career, saying again and again how everything changed... i am still going to do a PROPER laguna post, hopefully in the next few weeks, but i think the more time you spend thinking about that race the more you begin to understand just why it was so emotionally devastating to casey. it doesn't send him on a competitive spiral the way it does with agassi. but you also need to not just pay attention to what casey's literally saying and also how often he's saying it and why he's framing it that way. he has a real morbid fascination with that race that to me did really remind me of the 1995 us open agassi experience. unlike agassi, he doesn't see it as a 'deserved' loss, so the bitterness and frustration is definitely DIFFERENT... but yeah. for both of them it is The Loss. it is valentino's great betrayal

and speaking of laguna 2008, if there was one quote i really would have liked to include but couldn't quite justify sneaking in, it's what valentino's crew chief jb said about that race in 2010 (x):

MM: I remember watching Rossi and Stoner through Turn 1. Rossi would come out of the final corner ahead, Stoner would start catching him and Rossi would slide across leaving Stoner only the outside line around Turn 1. JB: It wasn't a case of offering him anything, that was the only place to pass, it was a case of not giving him the ideal line. So if Casey was going to pass Valentino round a corner, it was going to be the long way round, which is the only place to pass, unless you do it in the braking area. My feeling at the time was that Casey probably only had one game plan, and having watched Casey over the years, he doesn't have a plan B. If it doesn't go his way from the outset, it's probably one of the weaknesses that he had through the youth that he had, through the lack of experience that he had. That's not a criticism of him per se, he was still only 22 at the time. And that was it, it was clearly a tactical race. They both cleared off in the vicinity of 20 seconds ahead of Chris Vermeulen, and Casey was able to pick it up after slipping off at Turn 11 and still finish second.

again this is something that will very much feature when i get around to properly dissecting that race, but to me this is crazy revealing on several levels. i mean, first off, i do always enjoy jb being a bit of a dick about valentino's rivals. i like the slagging off, i like it even more when he basically does some of valentino's psychological warfare *for him* like with jorge in 2009, i think it's a cute relationship and it's just conceptually kinda fun to have valentino's crew chief being so ride-or-die for him on the feuding front. like they quite simply do not make crew chiefs like that any more

secondly, i find the parallels with catalunya 2009 interesting in that jb is basically also calling casey too rigid - cf jorge not thinking anyone could pass at montmelo's final corner. again, it's valentino fighting against opponents who may well be faster than him (especially when it comes to casey) but just having this... creativity, intellectual flexibility going for him. casey needs to have a plan b, casey thought he was going to win that race easily, casey couldn't react when he was challenged

thirdly, obviously this does come round to playing into the whole ambition vs talent theme, where casey is this wild raw inexperienced talent who valentino bests with his brains and grit. keeps coming back to that somehow!! idk i know i've talked about this again and again but i just think it's neat to have what essentially amounts to a 'catchphrase' of a rivalry that also basically provides *the* central theme. and if there is one bit of wildly underappreciated casey/vale lore, it is that casey preempted his most infamous line THREE years earlier. like i swear *nobody* ever talks about this, including the guy who wrote the article where i found the quote, but casey literally says "in laguna he let his ambition to win take control over his technique"!! it's so fascinating!!

it does ofc confirm that jerez 2011 wasn't just some kind of spur of the moment bout of poetic genius. it's something casey had been stewing on for years!! casey feels at laguna 2008 that he *should* have won because he was FASTER, goes on a tear in the media, gets massive backlash, has to apologise to valentino, and then bides his time for several years to get the blow in when he is given the opportunity. in some ways it's so valentino-esque, like he's learning to bide his time from the very best. it's fantastic!! the whole thing's fantastic, it is so revealing. which, idk, to some extent the ambition vs talent thing is obviously a framing casey plays into himself - but to some extent it's a framing he finds deeply frustrating because obviously he does *not* enjoy the flip side of that contrast and the implication he is either less intelligent or less mentally tough. that's why it's so interesting that the one word casey used to describe himself is calculating, which does reject that particular dichotomy!! nyhh

fourthly, i feel like we do need to address the "one of the weaknesses that he had through the youth that he had" line. the jb/casey relationship forms such an interesting backdrop to this rivalry, where obviously they kindaaa knew each other and jb MAYBE would have liked to work with casey if valentino had fucked off to f1 and there was that whole quirky element of casey's italian team vs valentino's australian team and casey feeling a bit territorial over his home race and then casey becoming extremely resentful towards jb in those last few years to the point where jb gets slagged off in casey's autobiography... idk, obviously it's a throwaway line but i can't help it, i can't not be interested in valentino's crew chief basing his psychological profile of casey in part on what casey's childhood/adolescence was like, ofc implying that this is something jb is very much aware of

and if you're saying casey is intellectually rigid and doesn't have a back-up plan because of what his youth was like then that means... what, exactly? idk i think you can read that in several ways - and it really does reveal a certain level of thought being put into casey's psychology!! and if you think about jb's role as valentino's proxy and how they ofc hatched The Laguna Plan together and again that remark valentino made about young riders closing up and becoming serious and sad because they were being put under too much pressure... i mean, look, it's obviously not a big revelation that valentino put some serious thought into casey's psychology, like i reckon you can figure it out if you simply. watch that race. but yeah, just getting these little hints confirming it, of valentino carefully studying casey like the intricate puzzle he was... i might be off-base here but my personal interpretation is that... i think valentino *did* see casey's joylessness as a weakness of sorts, this seriousness born from the pressure casey had been put under as something that limited his creativity. treating racing too much as a profession and not a passion, a struggle to adapt to valentino uprooting the status quo...

idk, i obviously am deeply compelled by both valentino and casey watching and studying each other so closely, even though we have heard way more of the conclusions that casey has drawn than vice versa. i think that's really the magic of laguna 2008 - and by extension the entire rivalry - the specificity of the whole thing. the race would not work so well if it involved any other two riders than valentino and casey, it relies on the build-up, it relies on the precise conclusions valentino has drawn about casey's psyche and where he decides to attack him, it relies on casey's complicated and at times tortured feelings towards valentino. it relies on that dichotomy between wild talent and ruthless cunning, it relies on the faster rider losing the race. it relies on that specific track and its specific character. i kinda feel like that makes the race pretty unique where the whole thing depends... so heavily on the specific contours of their relationship, of how they match up as athletes, like if you altered a single detail you would make the whole thing worse. it's such a rich text!!

even though i don't understand shit about motogp, i am always someone who likes to analyse my sports first and foremost As Sports. like i think you can kinda get rich narratives anywhere, you can get them in plenty of fiction i've been told, but crucially the thing about sports is that it's such a controlled playground with these specific modes of interactions and structures and rules shaping the landscape of the narrative. and when i'm looking at sports rivalries, what i really want to see is how interpersonal relations and even, y'know, Themes TM are expressed through the *fabric* of the sport itself. which obviously is extremely easy for me to do with tennis, and i do think tennis is also kinda ideal for that given how interactional the sport is at its very core - the cliche goes that tennis is a game of match-ups. every single match is a deeply rich text that i can analyse if i am so inclined - though there the sports element is unfortunately often a lot more compelling than any sort of overarching narrative. with motogp, i do need a bit more hand-holding. i think what makes laguna 2008 so great for both new and veteran fans of the sport is that it's so *visceral*. you see this relationship and the emotions behind it play out in front of your eyes with relatively little knowledge of the intricacies of motorcycle racing needed. you are immediately dropped into the narrative, you are immediately presented with these two contrasting characters in violent combat - you immediately learn so much about them. you watch them learning about each other. it's great!! guys, it's so great. they're so great

[doegirldaydreamerarchived]

Diary entry #4 - 23/01/25-26/01/25

Sooo girls to be so real w u rn this is just gonna be one biiiig yap session bc honestly i dont usually do much over the weekends.. except for this one apparently i totally cooked omg.

Firstly thursday whihc i only have one thing to say abt bc it was ages ago and erm.. it sucks.. its alr the day im writing this is a good one so i get to yap abt that in a sec.

Anyways basically i got out early and i was waiting for my friend by the gate and this girl i know was walking by and i thought she waved at me so ofc i waved back. But then she was acc waving at her bf behind me and she and the girl she was with (who doesnt like me) started like leaning over and giggling and shit. Now firstly i hadnt had any interactions at all w that girl in months and honestly she started talking more in lessons n stuff and honestly i like.. this is gonna be super weird to say but i thought she was changing. And as weird as it sounds i was honestly kinda disappointed. Like ofc it was embarrassing but also.. damn i thought u were becoming a better person but alright.. also i thought i was kinda friends w the girl she was talking to be she used to be so sweet and just.. damn. Like i used to have a little crush on her for a while bc she was rlly sweet and i didnt get why people didnt like her and called her two faced but erm. Yeah i get that now. And its so weird bc shes sorta used to be friends w my friends so sometimes she comes up and she still talks to me and its like.. yeah no thanks. Like idk why i would want to talk to u when ik ur friend hates me and u dont either a) tell me or b) shut it down or at least c) dont laugh damn.

Also another weird thing it made me realise that i kinda base beauty on how ppl treat me yk? Like i used to think she was really pretty but after that i just sorta dont. And ik it sounds bad but like.. i think its just bc my opinion on ppl changes based on how they treat me ofc. Also it was kinda relieving bc mentally ive always kinda valued looks over personality when dating bc if im not attracted to u i really dont wanna waste ur time w it yk? Bc beauty is subjective and js because your beauty isnt my version of it doesnt mean that should be your problem. But also i like find it hard to find even ‘ugly’ people not pretty and its nice to know im not like absolutely evil for caring abt how ppl look and its kinda sorta me just evaluating how they treat me yk?? Or maybe im an arsehole idk tbh..

Anywaysyyss onto fridayyy! So i acc didnt go to school that day.. and this was before my anxiety kicked in btw it was just there was a storm w really strong winds and neither me or mum wanted to go out in it (bc respectfully we would acc both get blown over the winds were that bad). Sooo yum i got that day off! Buut icl i just put on a chill fit and bedrotted. I dont even remember shit from friday except telling my mum like ‘yeah tbh i dont think ill have another day off this year’ GIRL. Thats why i never say shit like that ik i didnt but it feels like i jinxed it.. thats why im so scared of saying shit like that omgmgmg i have horrible timing.

Anyways then erm.. there was saturday which was! Not a good day at first! So basically when i got up in the morning the bathroom floor was wet and nobody told me so the clothes i brought to change into got wet and i had to put on a diff outfit. And bc my hair was greasy i decided to try and proper braid it bc i got close before and it would make me feel better. Spoiler it didnt bc i literally couldnt and i got soososo upset and frustrated over it. And then my stupid arse decided to look in a mirror after and (bc i was having a bad day) i thought i was gross and ugly aaannddd i cried over it. And ofc that spiralled into me ranting abt how dirty my house makes me feel sometimes and how fucking gross i felt and how it felt like nobody would ever like me which.. girl stfu giggle. Lordy typing this is depressing me anyways after that little episode i was like ‘ykw dont be a bitch if u dont like sumet do sumet about it’ so i started cleaning my room and guess what i fkn found. A like dirty old drawing id made when i was really little of my family. So ofc i bawled my eyes out over that. Literally like on and off crying for a solid hour icel that shit HIIT.

But then ofc the post breakdown urges kicked in and i was like fuck it and started completely clearing out my room. Like literally everywhere but under my bed and a set of drawers was completely cleaned out and i now have a bag of stuff to get rid of in my room. Also tiny side rant this is totally first world spoilt bitch problems but whenever my mum washes my clothes for me she piles them on top of that bag like. Two days ago i was weeping about how digusting my room was idec if you just shove it in my wardrobe just PLS let me LIIIVVEE </3

Okay anyways bitching over i spent like the entire of saturday clearing out and thank fuck i acc completely finished it. Like theres still some mess but tbh fuck that shit rn wait until my next breakdown pls.

Andnnd guess what i did on sundayy.. actually i was gonna say bedrotted but i kinda didnt? Like icel my hair was so fucking greasy that it basically slicked itself back so obvi i couldnt be seen in public but when i got up i acc like didnt go on my phone and i meditated and i did a fkn workout. It was like a 10min dance workout but girl thats better than like.. ever idk giggle. And even tho i barely did shit other than play pokemon it was acc kinda a good day. Tbh a win to mee!!

Andd.. okay maybe that was a bit less rambly than i expected bc i barely did anything but overall the weekend was sorta a winn!

Rue, signing out 𓂃۶ৎ

[bcbdrums]

🍓🕯️🔪

"🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction?"

well. one day in 2004 when visiting my cousin in the hospital after her car accident. i missed an episode of Bonanza, due to...you know, being at the hospital. this was back in ye olden days of TV guides, recording things on VCR's, and....no....wikis.... not like we have now. no sites to tell you everything, no screencaps, no youtube... and ye olde dial-up internet days. and anyway.... the TV guide descrip made that episode sound thrilling. and...and i just had to know!

and i knew... i remember, knowing in my heart. that if i went online and tried to find out what happened. i'd never get off the computer again. well, i was right. the short conclusion to this tale is i found specific Bonanza fansites loaded with fanfiction!!! and i devoured it. i wanna say within the same month? i was hand-writing fanfic in spiral notebooks for Bonanza. still have that spiral notebook and that unfinished fic, literally locked in a treasure chest. and i still remember the entire plot, what i planned to do with it... yeah.

no, i never did find out what was in that episode i missed/didn't get to record... like i said, no wikis or anything of that nature... (we had to leave from school that day so i didn't get to go home and program the VCR; i'd not known that morning we'd be going to the hospital later.) and they didn't re-run the episode again... so i've still not seen it... but, i started writing fanfic that summer. a defining moment in my life. and yes, my cousin is well!

"🕯️ ⇢ on a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you enjoy editing? why is that?"

ohhh, hmmm... idk if i could scale it. maybe right in the middle, a 5 or 6? this will make more sense if i describe my process perhaps.

so if i'm really in the writing zone, i just...plow ahead until i'm finished. and then i go back and edit. when i'm "in the zone" oftentimes i don't see things that could genuinely be improved by better phrasing, better language choices... they just elude me cuz i'm so hyperfixated on the story and it's so clear in my head, so, of course it's great on the page! (example: Forfeit was written this way.) usually i then just quickly fix obvious typos/grammar things and toss the fic into the void. then i'll return a few months later when it's no longer fresh, and then see soooo many things that could be better, and depending on my mood i'll go back and heavily edit, or, i won't.

the other process... if i'm not "in the zone" usually i write a few lines, get stuck, and to get myself unstuck i go back and edit what i've done. fixing things, adding things... and usually once those few lines are edited i have the next ones ready to be written in my head. it's a slower process overall.

editing for other people is a whole different ball game. i love doing that (as long as i'm in the mood/have the energy/time) because it helps me refine my writing craft too, in trying to assist someone with a totally different style than mine. it's great. and i've edited/beta-read for so many diff people now with such a variety of styles it's really making me more aware of my own, and how it's changed over the years. and i also just enjoy helping people.

the idea of something getting better just appeals to me i guess. it's a good feeling, it's productive. so in that sense, i enjoy editing. if i feel really stuck on a project, then it can become just another slow-down however. that would be the only negative i suppose.

"🔪 ⇢ what's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?"

haha, already answered this in a prior ask but i'll choose a different one.

i spent days learning how to waltz properly. all the techniques, and the process by which one learns... to write one character teaching another character, very, very methodically. and apparently i did it well, i received a comment about it from someone who actually waltzes professionally if i remember correctly who was very pleased with my writing of it! can i waltz? or dance at all? no, no i cannot. but i could probably talk someone else through how to learn!

thank you SO much for the ask!!! ^_^

[sometimesiammybpd]

quick mention: i have already written one post somewhat on being aromantic. i honestly forgot about this, but here's that if you wanna read. this will cross over on certain things i've mentioned there and other posts because of the more general topic. don't mean to repeat myself, but this is all still so new to me and i want to understand it better and this helps /gen.

this post is gonna be both about what it's like to have hypersexuality, but also what it's like for me as someone who is aromantic because to me they go hand in hand. not great at intros lmao.

anyways hi. not really in the bestest of moods while writing this, so i apologize if it comes off a bit brash or something. idk. it's 5 (almost 6) am for me when writing so like. that's probably why. probably. i wanna talk about being aromantic first because that's the more complicated one for me personally and it's the one that honestly still bothers me. i didn't realize i was aromantic until this year. more specifically, a few months ago. for, i think 3 years now, i'd assumed i was demiromantic because i thought i was still having crushes on people. real "i could imagine my entire life with you" crushes, which i wasn't. that i'll go into obviously. but as i've spent time looking back on things because of all that just falls into place for me with the aro label, i realize it wasn't there from the start. don't get me wrong though. crushes were not common for me as a kid.

i really do think i was demiromantic until about a year ago. because when i was younger, i didn't feel anything towards anyone. i didn't even think i had a sexuality because i didn't like girls or boys. there's stuff i won't get into right now, but by late elementary - early middle, i was getting bullied heavily and they were starting to get so fixated on who likes who and all that bullshit. which did come back to me because at certain points, they would walk to me and ask who i liked. if i didn't have an answer, they'd bully me more. so i started to keep a mental list of sorts. it's creepy to say honestly, even with context, but this is what worked because it was either this or just have everything get worse. it wasn't anything bad, i would just choose a girl and she'd be my "crush" should they ask. each year would be a different girl and it was just to not have things get worse (they eventually did anyways). but by like 7th grade, i thought it was just normal. i mean. kinda. i wanted to believe it was, but this was also when i started to spiral for the first time and so i was already deep into self-hatred, self-destructive tendencies, shit like that. so not only could it NOT be normal according to my mind but if i wasn't the person i was, maybe it'd be different. shit like that.

8th grade was the first time i ever did feel a crush on someone. and i knew it was actually a crush and not some confused emotion. it was towards my closest friend at the time and lasted years. i think when i first started to bring this (the realization of being aro) up to my friends, i stuck this under the "hyperfixation" category, which it was. but it was also a real crush. and honestly, it was the first time i ever felt normal. because normal people get crushes and want to date. that's what i was always told and that's what i thought needed to happen. and it led me to pursue her for longer than i ever should have. she couldn't date because of her parents but there's no way in hell i would have been a good partner at the time anyways. regardless, i pursued it through sophomore year of high school. the history between me and her is too rough to talk about outside of that, but yeah. and i think i know why. i mention wanting to feel normal a lot. at the time i really did. because to me, i didn't know myself. i grew up heavily conservative and christian (although the christianity part never stuck) and it really did form a mental relationship between feeling the way i did and stuff like being gay or bi that was so unhealthy. as i went through high school, the friends i met pushed me further left which did help when it came to this. because i remember watching love, simon at 15 (i liked the movie so shut it /hj) and watching him fall in love at the end, i cried. because i wanted that. but honestly i don't know if i did at the same time.

it all felt so unreasonably scary and outside of the unnamed friend, i never felt anything towards anyone like that. at least until jake entered the picture (fake name, separate post coming later). for the quickest context, he was 19 when i met him and by this point around 20-21. i fell in love with him. i don't even know why but i really did. multiple times. it was the first time i couldn't get rid of a crush, which was a new and very NOT fun experience. and when we finally did date, it was three days of him refusing to talk to me and then breaking up with me and blaming me. it was not fun. i think this was the first time that something romantic fucked me up because i didn't really trust anyone after this until i met nathan. and if you read the post about him, you know how that went. point being, that fucked me up more. and then i had another friend after nathan and before the one i met through bumble that also fucked me up more. and that's kinda what got me to want to write this post in the first place outside of the hypersexuaity part (comes later). i know i said in the last post how unsure i felt about relationships. and i won't say that's not untrue, but i have my answer.

i don't think i want to be in a relationship. i like being alone. i like being by myself and doing what i want. i care about everyone so much, but that feeling people say you get when you wanna do anything for your partner . . . i just don't get. i didn't really get it with nathan even though we were together for long enough and i did feel something towards him. but i never got that feeling. i did a lot for him and it was mainly because i natually have a similar instinct to help anyone because it's just who i am. but like i like my routine and for some reason, it actually makes me upset at times to imagine changing it for a relationship. i don't even know why but i'm kinda just accepting it. i'm not the most likable person and i know that also affects my "chances," as it usually gets labeled. i still have a lot of bad habits and toxic behaviors that i'm working to change but i know it turns a lot of people off of me than i'd want.

but i don't care, tbh in the romantic sense. it's so weird to try to explain to people that i don't feel things like that. i came to a realization a couple months back when i figured out the hyperfixations getting confused for a crush shit. it made so much sense to me when i learned the possibility of that with people with adhd and shit. and it just blew my mind.

until one of my closest friends at the time labeled it as weird and said i'm not normal for feeling like that. that got to me. i didn't expect someone that close to me to respond like that. at that point i hadn't even figured out the aromantic label yet and moreso if it was fitting for me. but that made me almost not want to. because i felt like i wasn't normal enough to deserve to get the answer. it really really hurt coming from them which only made it worse. but i eventually pushed through by myself and came to aromantic. it took me a long time to actually confidently say it because i kept thinking i was demi. i kept mixing hyperfixations up left and right (that didn't even last long enough to really count) and it kept making me wonder if maybe i still could feel that way. honestly, i don't discount it permanently. no one knows what the future holds.

anyways, yeah.

the only reason i'm so concerned about labels isn't because i have something to prove or whatever. it just. i have felt hopeless my entire life because everything others felt or did, i was the opposite. and most of it being not on purpose too made it infinitely worse mentally. it dragged me down because i thought i'd never get answers. and honestly, i wonder sometimes what my child self would think now about me. i really wonder. to be fair, they'd probably ask why i'm even still alive but yknow.

the point why i'm writing a second post on being / feeling aromantic isn't to retell what i already had written. i completely forgot i wrote that original post until half-way through writing this AND i only found it by complete accident lmao. EITHER WAY. what i really wanted to write about was the way my brain mixes up hyperfixations as crushes and what that feels like to me. because all of what i wrote prior to this was supposed to be context but i'm a yapper. to me, it doesn't feel like a hyperfixation until it's over. and i'll be real and say that i don't honestly even know what a real crush is supposed to feel like. when i started to like nathan, i only noticed because of things like how he was the only person i was talking to. or how my mood was starting to be affected by how he was doing. or how i really did want to spend every second of my life with him (which was a rare thought but it was there for a moment). stuff like that. and even now i'm not sure if it was a crush or just a really long hyperfixation. because to me, hyperfixations are things i want to spend every moment on. things i can't stop thinking about. sometimes they do affect my mood in ways that are hard to explain. i mean, this entire thing is hard as fuck to explain but yknow. and what made it more complicated was a lot of the "hyperfixation-crushes", or whatever the hell you wanna call them, started going away insanely fast. right before i realized i was most likely aromantic, i thought i had a crush on three different people. all three started and ended within 6 hours and it wasn't like how i felt with nathan. it felt like something was there, but it was almost unreachable. and the more i tried, the more it went away until suddenly it felt like i snapped out of something and woke up. and it was gone. like i know that sounds dramatic as hell, but that's how it felt. that's genuinely how it felt / feels for me.

and i remember trying to explain this to my friends . . . and they dismissed it and called me weird. which hurt. it wasn't like a big insult but this was me trying to figure myself out. and the friends whom said they would be supportive as they were queer themselves dismissed me and said that it wasn't real. i still don't understand myself. i still don't understand what got me here or where i fall on the spectrum where labels do and don't matter (they matter right now for me because i've had no answers for so fucking long). i still don't understand most of me and everything and. i don't know.

it's hard to talk about. it's hard to be honest and open because it makes me feel like. i'll never be accepted. which is unfortunately how i've felt my entire life growing up how i did but that's for another post. either way.

this is honestly a topic i don't see a proper way to transition into, but i wanna talk about having hypersexuality as someone with bpd who is also aro. because let me just say that it's hell. i mean, i doubt it has anything with my capability to form or not form romantic thoughts and feelings but. anyways. i haven't had a proper off-period in almost six months and it's killing me. for folks who don't know, depending on the person will depend on the specifics of their hypersexuality (if they have it because i believe while it's common with folks who have bpd, it's not guaranteed). the most common ways it presents though are periods where sex is the only thing they can think about and usually will lead one to do anything they can to get sex, even if it means putting themselves in harms way. the other way it presents is of utter disgust towards anything sexual to a point where they usually don't even feel the need to masturbate because it's just. too much. i have been fucking stuck in the first way for almost half a god damn year. and it's so so so painful.

because a lot of days for me, i wake up and just feel horny. and so i do what i need to do and it's not enough. and i ironically don't get good enough luck on any hookup apps to actually "put myself in harms way" as i put it (or effectively ignoring any warning signs because sex). so i end up averaging out at five or six times (masturbation) because i got no responses and nothing else is working. and it's a living hell because when it kicks in, it kicks in. and there's nothing i do besides have sex or something to get it to stop. like it doesn't matter what i was doing. my brain just shuts off. i literally get a feeling of like being so uncomfortable because all i want to do is have sex. i don't remember when or if i last had an off period. because i think back to a moment when i was eighteen. i mentioned it slightly in my introduction post, but when i was eighteen i signed up for grindr. at this point, i was already relieving myself 2-3 times a day minimum and some going up to 4-5. and when i got on grindr, i was actually looking for a long-term relationship. i don't remember that lasting long before i realized i could use it for hookups and eventually dropped my walls and said fuck it. and this is where i need to mention two things. the main event and the way i approach(ed) hookup apps.

the way i approach(ed) hookup apps once i dropped the "i want a relationship" thing was that i had / still kinda have no regard for safety. all i wanted to know was that they weren't like 55, had a decent member, and if they'd be down to fuck. i ask now, but at the time i didn't even ask for stds or anything of the sort. when i get on a hookup app, i lose a complete sense of time. not because i want to, but because i become so horny all i can fuckin think about is finding someone. anyone. there's been times where my body starts shaking because of it. it's awful. but yeah, i had no sense of making sure it was safe for me to do. which also pissed everyone off because i was also so forward with what i wanted that i was impatient and desperate and all that. i'm not proud of it, but half the time it feels like i literally cannot help it. it's something else that's so difficult to explain (or unfortunately get some to believe). but that leads into the main event.

the "main event" was the moment that this all came crashing down on me. i found a guy on grindr who said he'd be willing to let me top and he'd give me head and all the lot. i was down and we exchanged pictures and he told me where he was located. the one stipulation he had was that i needed to pay for him to get some weed. i was desperate, so i agreed. i went to my mom, lied and said i was meeting friends from college, and then drove off to cincinnati after going to the bank to get the money. before i go any further, i am a bottom LOL. i also didn't really know my identity then and while i don't particularly hate my biological parts, i am not proud of it. this was a rare occasion. anyways. i picked up the guy and immediately, he gave me meth-head vibes which did make me a little nervous. at the same time, i completely did not care because we were gonna fuck. i gave him the money and he offered to blow me while i drove him to his dealer's. i declined because i could barely focus on driving as it was. once we got there, he got out and said he'd be a minute. i left my car running in the in-between mode where it uses your battery but no gas. a few minutes go by and he texts me saying he was making sure he was cleaned out and was sorry for it taking so long. i got like one text after this and then he disappeared entirely. i waited for hours longer than i should have because it was like 9:30 i think when i left and was 11, almost 12 am by this point. so i finally said fuck it and was gearing to leave...

until i realized my car had completely died. yeah. the in-between state didn't feel so smart now lmao. my mom was panicking because i wasn't home. i was starting to freeze because it was like 32 degrees F outside. i had this big comforter in my trunk and that did nothing! it was to a point where my body was physically shaking because it had lost that much heat. i had no heater i could run, nowhere to go. it was the scariest moment of my life. and at this point, 2 - 3 am. finally AAA comes and jumps my car and i get home at around 3 am. it took me the entire car ride with the heater blasting to even feel my hands again. not my body, just hands. it was bad. and i do admit, i wouldn't do it again. i've been a lot more careful now than before.

but it's not just hookup apps. for me, hypersexuality ruins relationships. nathan and i were never going to work out, but the second i had to start seeing him in a more sexual nature, it was done for. and i will never forgive myself for that. and it's never changed. if i had a close relationship with anyone and it became sexual, it'd be over. and this is what really makes me feel so abnormal. cause i hate it so much. i fucking hate feeling so horny that i almost mentally shut down or the willingness to almost end my life for maybe sex. or ruining relationships because no matter how hard i try, all i can think about is us fucking. it's my living hell. i genuinely feel like some days i can't even get anything done because i just can't stop feeling horny. even though i don't even have it in me physically to have sex, it won't stop or go away.

this post is way too long lmao. but yeah that's me sharing more than i ever thought i would. if this helps someone even just by putting into words maybe what you thought wasn't possible, then i'm glad /gen. i just wish it didn't make going day by day so unnecessarily difficult. like as if it wasn't hard enough

[de4dlyniightshade]

heyy :) erm im gonna fangirl really quick and then the request will be at the end incase you wanna skip to that part or anything, lol. okay so this is very much unnecessary and unasked for and blah blah but i don't care! i believe writers need to hear how much we appreciate them and their works because whew mama! ive been trying to write fics for like months and it actually is so horrible. i genuinely start to angrily vibrate bc my thoughts don't flow on the notes app. but i just wanted to say, nightshade, (ehehe that's so cheeky and silly for some reason) that i reallyyy love your work. its actually like horrific how much your writing just makes me so 😜😊🤭 i know you're not like a celebrity or anything, so it's gonna be weird with this like mini parasocial relationship thing, but please know your work has an impact !! a few months ago, i did something extremely bad and out of character while i was spiraling, and i decided that the best decision for me would be to quit using social media. (and beforehand i had quit using tiktok for like 7 months already and i wasn't that addicted to my phone but i still was consuming negative media) so, ofc, i stopped completely for a good month or so and only ever using youtube every now and then. buttttt, one of the first social media platforms i came back to first... was tumblr! it's actually so silly too because i only used tumblr like 4 times beforehand so i was quite new. but anyway anyway (im a yapper UGH) i really found that your posts had made me feel happy :) idk they kinda reminded me of myself before i went big bad that one time and it made me inspired to go back to how i used to be... u get me?? you're writing literally haunts my brain oh my lord it should be illegal to read your stuff because afterwards i literally have this crazy ass urge to read more and more and more. im lowkey an addict cause i be having my deadlynightshade withdrawals. the way you write is just so 😫 gosh, it's beautiful. i also love ur sillyness because like ME TOO. your random little posts are so me coded and i love it. YOU'RE SO FUNNY 😭 uhmm i just wanted to say thanks for being super cool and talented because believe it or not, the stuff you put out makes me really happy! (that was so melodramatic like mf they write about spencer being a pathetic pussy drunk bitch why are you saying it changed ur life?? its true tho.) erm yeah that's the end of that part i just again wanted to thank you 🙏 i wish we were friends SO BAD like you're actually awesome what the fuck.... but like how do u even become friends w ppl?? LMAO ERM ANYWAY 😍 can you write a blurb or h.c or something (honestly anything will make me happy) about valentine's day?? 🤭 basically spencer being SO FUCKING SHY because you can't stop touching his hands or hair subtly or like kissing his cheek leaving marks from lipstick or like getting him his favorite snacks/drinks/books/textures/ basically a gift that made u think about him?? ugh or him doing the same with you like him being the best fucking nerd boy ever and spoiling you so much like he goes ape shit spending well over his funds limit but it's worth it because it's you? or like sweet soft cutie pie sex? at the end of the day and he's like... Erm.. Pussy for 1 please! you were so pretty today... You always are-! (I'm mentally ill and writing this at 8:37 pm on a thursday night.)

this is. the sweetest shit anyone has ever said to me i actually cried ngl to you.

i'm genuinely so thankful for the little community i have created here i never expected such an insane amount of positivity and love from people just for the whack ass shit i write but that's probably just my perpetual self hatred and disbelief that people enjoy anything about me🤞

i think it's crazy how people on the internet who have never met me, don't know me, what i look like, or anything can treat me better than any of my friends have and i'll always be thankful for that.

ALSO! i love being called funny pls kiss me i never think i'm actually funny istg

i was also planning on writing a valentines fic ALREADY but this made me wanna write it even more as a thank you for this message it genuinely made my week(can't promise it ON TIME for valentines but i can try!)

i'm also so glad that my work and blog makes you happy, there's no privilege greater than making someone smile even when they don't feel like it</3

[goblins-riddles-or-frocks]

The grooming one made me think: what do you think of the Darkling and Ivan's relationship?

Re: this ask

I think it, and Ivan generally as a character, is severely underutilized and I’m mad that he dies so quickly in S&S. I have a lot of like circa 2015 fanon HCs about him— which is an ENTIRELY different vibe from post show fanon. But that’s neither here nor there.

In my opinion, the trilogy especially, is very much about like gendered exploitation and the privilege men have over women. So their dynamic is just framed differently, or at least isn’t given as much attention. I also think? that Ivan is an adult? It’s hard to say lol but he seems to be like in the army proper and completely finished with Grisha!high school.

However, as we see with Zoya, the Darkling’s usual mode seems to be like selecting his favorites when they’re still training and then enlisting them in his service— which could certainly be dubious! But we don’t see enough to draw many conclusions.

Anyway, the broad brush strokes of Ivan as the Darkling’s right hand man, who starts out fairly genuinely devoted to him, but then post nichevo’ya discovery/general insanity spiraling is unnerved by and afraid of him is really interesting! And I’d even argue that Ivan’s late S&B speech to Alina about why he’s devoted to the Darkling’s cause (his family kept dying in the war; everyone in power is so very sorry but the Darkling’s the only one who’s going to do anything about it) is the main linchpin for his side’s ideology and what characterizes it at all beyond cartoon fascism. It’s something I was REALLY mad the show chose not to include!! So he’s a really important character but yeah idk many missed opportunities and there’s not much to work with without having to fill in some blanks!

[gabapentinblues]

journal update 3.10.2025 huge ed tw

i still feel like absolute shit from being sick >_< drowning in kleenex and cough drops and tea and ibuprofen. ugh. makes it really hard to want to take care of myself at all. like its so hard when you just wake up feeling like garbage.

so yeah that sucks. had my coffee. just laying around. drinking tea now. the sun is out and it seems like it could actually be nice out but idk what im going to do w that besides be aware of it and sit in my bed anyway. my head hurts so bad.

i have my first therapy session tomorrow and im really not sure what to expect. idk if i should do anything to "prepare" for it... im glad i'll finally have someone to talk to.

i had a complete breakdown yesterday bc idek why. my mood was just really low and then i decided to sh and i noticed that i got blood on my mattress somehow and i felt so dumb. i was like this is all so stupid, hiding bloody tissues, i feel like a little kid. and people are going to see my scars this summer, especially at this rate if i keep making new ones, its already march.

so yeah i had a full on spiral freak out about that while i was home alone yesterday and i was able to text my fp. at first i thought she wasnt going to be able to answer but we talked and that helped some. its just so hard for me to be patient w myself. i was still feeling so down and just wanting to seek comfort so i binge ate. i really need to get over that.

binge eating basically restarted the spiral and i talked to my friends some more about how hopeless i feel. they were comforting and supportive and said im doing better than i think but its hard for me to believe that honestly. i feel like a fat loser. they tell me im not a loser, and im sure theyd tell me im not fat if i ever dared to speak that out loud.

i just dont like my body, i dont like my curves, i dont like my boobs, i dont like how tightly my clothes fit, i dont want this body. it makes sick and frustrated and for some reason i feel powerless to change it right now even though ive lost weight before.

i need to remember back to how it was before. i was really deep in my self hatred and i felt like there was nothing else i could do. i just starved and starved and didnt even feel like it was going to do anything until one day i noticed it was doing something and then i was hooked.

its so hard for me to watch what im eating right now. my sister cooks for everyone and i just feel like i have no control over what i eat beyond just the amount. that makes it really hard. i justwant to count calories and know that im in a deficit.

like i know i have to eat, i just need to detach myself from it. like i have to eat in the morning to take my meds. the mornings are easy, just coffee, water and a banana. i'll always make sure i have kombucha and hydration multiplies and sparking water and diet coke to feel like im having something as a "snack". i found these instant noodles that i really like that are like 470 calories, then a banana is 100, so if i wanted to high restrict that like half my calories for the day, then if i just eat a small portion of whatever is for dinner i'll be fine. most likely. definitely better.

i need to just have some lunches on lock that i know the calories of and i dont have to think about. like noodles, maybe tuna salad on toast, regular salad, freezer meals i know the calories of... basically if i always have a banana for breakfast and always know the calories of my lunch i'll be okay. then i can kind of have a small portion of whatever for dinner.

i used to have all these other small rules that i want to pick back up. like always start eating last and finish last. take long pauses in the middle of eating. never ever let yourself be distracted by anything while eating, i.e. no mindless eating, eating while watching something, while having a conversation, while multitasking, always stop and completely focus. never have a second helping. count the amount of times you chew, try to chew each bite 15-20 times. anything like chips and dip or other snack kinds of food, youre allowed 5 bites and done. this is why you want to really appreciate and be aware of what youre eating. always picture your food breaking down and becoming part of your cells, you dont want gross food in your body. this always helped me avoid junk food. if youre alone just dont eat. i have a huge problem w binge eating in private so i have to make it that i only eat when other people are around, never alone. drink so much water. really try to come up with ways to distract and redirect yourself when craving food, getting up and moving is always really good. never snack, if you do end up snacking, five bite rule. avoid desert, only small amounts of sweets and not every day. you have to be able to go whole days without sugar and see how good it feels. i will need to be strict w this again to get started. skip meals whenever possible. also never be in a hurry to eat, always put it off if you can and never bring up food or feeling hungry.

i also really do want to start going to the gym again. i know it would help my mood too. it feels kind of far off still that i'll actually start going, i feel like too much of a depressed mess. also need to be super mindful around alcohol and just opt to avoid it usually, it doesnt really make you feel better and its just more calories.

ugh these are all my stupid rules i need to start following again. also weighing myself basically every day. i weighed myself last monday and im scared to do it today. i need to get my rules in place first and start feeling different.

i know i can do it. i'll keep holding myself accountable here.

i also want to make sure im taking care of my hygiene. wash my face and do my skincare twice a day, brush my teeth at least twice a day. change my clothes every day. make my bed and change my pillowcase everyday. also stretch, meditate, and really check in w myself beyond sitting in front of my laptop or hunching over a notebook. maybe start trying to take a walk everyday after dinner now that its light out later.

so ive got my food rules and my personal care rules that i want to stick to. hopefully my food rules of occupying myself w other things make me more productive and engaged w hobbies and stuff.

im just going to really try to work on this and identify the areas where im struggling and why and really try to troubleshoot and problem solve them and get myself consistent again. i really am in that nightmare place of wow ive lost this weight before, how do i do it again.

so yeah its kind of a real fresh start, clean slate. spring is finally really here w the time change and i can change my habits for the better.

everyone is telling me to create a space where i can heal and give myself what i need and it just feels impossible. a month ago my therapist was like, really make your room your own space that you feel good in, and its still just a mess of unpacked boxes. i want to do better.

everyone tells me time and patience and it just makes me want to cry. i feel useless. i dont know how im supposed to wait myself patiently to a better life. i dont think im going to just magically start feeling better and being able to do more. i dont know what it will take.

i want to get ready for my therapy appointment tomorrow by just reflecting on my situation and being prepared to talk about things. i might see my fp tomorrow. im either going to the city to see friends or helping my fp drive around to different stores to transfer jobs.

my sister also asked me if i wanted to take a trip out of town for the weekend coming up and i think i might do that, seems like it could be good.

idk i just want to change for the better, im tired of feeling so stuck and powerless and depressed.

if i see my fp tomorrow i might confess my crush if it feels like the right thing to do. we'll see.