#anyways i should sleep it's way too late and my brain doesn't feel so good...

[sanguineterrain]

in the buff | jason todd

Summary: The one where you learn firsthand that Jason Todd sleeps in the nude.

Pairing: Jason Todd x gn!reader 

Word count: 2.7k

Warnings/tags: best friend jason, awkwardness, nudity, reader hardcore thirsting over jaytodd, love confessions, humor (attempts at it, anyway), silliness. inspired by this post!

the divider

There's been a huge (blessed) development in the drug ring case that you and Jason are working on. You can hardly sleep now.

Normally, you'd call or text Jason, even though he's usually already in the know. It's possible that you just like having an excuse to call him, but who can confirm such a thing?

But it's late, probably too late to call, considering Jason doesn't answer his phone unless it's pinged directly to his helmet after a certain time, courtesy of his family being "a buncha jackasses" (his words, obviously).

But maybe it's not too late for a visit. After all, Jason patrols late, and has insane insomnia. He very well could be awake at this late hour. And he's never minded you dropping by before.

In truth, you haven't seen Jason in a few days and you feel restless now when you go longer than a day without seeing each other. You're not quite sure why that is.

So here you are, disabling the window alarm on Jason's apartment. Partly for a case, partly for your own benefit.

It takes a few minutes but you manage to open the window without anyone calling the police or whacking you with a broom. You slide open the window mostly soundlessly. Then you wait. The room remains dark and quiet.

You're pretty proud of yourself actually. It's not that you're green when it comes to spycraft, but you're certainly no Batman.

Still, you've managed to sneak into Jason's apartment without waking him. The Red Hood. You peek in to check if he's really asleep.

And he is, dark hair stark against the white pillow. It sticks out in messy tufts. You can't see past Jason's neck and his freckled arms, illuminated by the orange streetlight outside. You put your laptop bag on the floor.

He's sleeping on his stomach, facing away from you, but you're very endeared by how he's curled up under his sheet, hands tucked under his pillow. If you went really close to his face, you could count his eyelashes. Jason has such pretty eyelashes.

That's a perfectly normal thought to have about your best friend, right? Boys have pretty eyelashes. You're just making an observation.

You're bewildered by how cold the room is, surprised that Jason can withstand such a temperature. Maybe it's a Pit thing.

You watch him for a moment longer. Guilt pools in your gut. Are you really going to wake him when he's probably just gone to bed in the last hour? It takes Jason so long to fall asleep, you know that.

...

No, you should let him sleep. You can work on the case in the morning.

You bend down to get your laptop bag. In that time, the light flicks on.

You flinch, turn around, and find yourself staring down the barrel of a gun.

Said gun is held by an extremely naked Jason Todd.

"Oh my God!" you say at the same time Jason realizes his mistake.

"What the fuck!" he shouts, grabbing a pillow to cover himself.

But not before you get an eyeful of your best friend's, er, weaponry.

"Why are you naked?" you shout, gaze darting everywhere. Good Lord, it's seared into your retinas. You're never getting the image of Jason's dick out of your brain.

"Why are you in my apartment?" Jason snaps back.

"No, my question is way more urgent," you say.

"No the hell it's not! You broke in! I'm allowed to be naked in my apartment!"

"Okay. Alright. I came because there's been a development in our case. I thought we could work on it together but when I realized you were asleep for real, I decided to leave."

Jason rolls his eyes. "You know I'm a light sleeper. I just went to bed. I was up late.”

Realization strikes you. Could it be...?

"Oh my God. Do you have someone here?" you ask, voice sinking to a whisper.

"I have you here," Jason says irritably.

"No, like—" You make a hole with one hand and stick a finger into it. "Y'know..."

"Jesus, no!" Jason's face twists in disgust. "C'mon!"

"Okay, chill out, Jay-Jay. It'd be fine if you did. I can keep a secret," you say, shrugging. People have sex. You know that. You've never thought about Jason having sex, but you suppose it's possible. Why not? Just because you've never had sex and you always hoped that Jason would be your first doesn't mean that he would. If he's moved on in his life, then you should too.

Jason scoffs. "Yeah, okay. You think anybody would get into bed with a headcase like me?"

Hope rekindles. You're not behind. Jason's right there with you, virginity firmly intact.

He puts the safety back on the gun, squishing the pillow against himself with his elbow. You watch in fascination at his multitasking. Jason starts to turn around to put the gun behind the headboard before clearly thinking twice about mooning you.

"So... why are you naked?" you ask, respectfully keeping your eyes north of the equator.

"If you must know, I sleep in the nude. Now turn around."

You don't turn around. "In the nude?"

Jason's eye twitches. "Yes, nude. It's better for your body and it's more comfortable and I don't—"

You pull a face. "Who says in the nude? How old are you, a hundred?"

"That's what you're harping on?" Jason asks. "You broke into my apartment!"

You hold up a finger. "I didn't break in, I disarmed the alarm like you taught me."

"Yeah, which was only for emergencies. This isn't an emergency. Now turn around!"

So you turn around. You hear the pillow fall and the image returns. You recite the alphabet backwards. When that doesn't work, you think about the time you helped Jason on a mission in the sewers and couldn't get the smell out of your suit for a week.

Yeah, that'll do it. You shudder.

"Can't believe you just broke in," he mumbles. "Raised in a fuckin' barn, swear to God."

"Okay, I'm sorry. I'm truly, honestly sorry, Jaybee. From the bottom of my heart. Can I look now?"

"If you dare."

"Are you decent?" you ask.

"Too easy of a joke," he says. "Yeah, the jewels are covered."

You turn slowly. Jason's got red (ha) boxers on, so you turn all the way.

Huh. Well.

You've never really thought much about what Jason's got going on underneath his armor. Certainly, you've assumed that he's got a good physique and a lot of stamina, considering what he does. You've always assumed that. But Jason's Jason. Your best friend, Jason. Your best friend, Jason, who came back really tall, yeah, and with a deep voice and a super pretty face...

Well, anyway. He's Jason. That's all.

But now? Now you get to look in depth, and... whoa.

Jason's broad, stocky, heavily muscled with a soft layer of fat on top. His arms are huge, hands proportionally big. His pecs are full with pink nipples the same shade as his lips. That's a fact you're never forgetting. Your belly flutters.

Okay, what the fuck! No. This is peak creepy behavior, leering at your best friend like this, even if he does have shoulders you could sink your teeth into and thighs you'd happily get crushed between. No! Bad.

...You look some more. He's covered in scars. This is the first time you've seen his autopsy scar in person. It's white, noticeable but healed, like most of his scars. There's a dusting of dark hair from his chest to his belly button. It thickens as it dips beneath his—

Mm, nope. Not thinking about that again.

"Hello-o."

Your eyes dart back to his face.

"Are you listening to me?" he asks, forehead crinkled.

"What? Yes. Sorry. Yes." Your cheeks burn.

Something crosses Jason's face, too quick for you to read. But then his expression stones over. He glances at the dresser across from the bed.

"If you gimme a sec, I'll put a shirt on so y'won't have to look at all this," he says, gesturing roughly to his body.

You blink, lost in Jasonland. "Huh?"

"I know the scars are pretty gnarly. Lemme find a shirt."

Jason goes to the dresser and digs through the top drawer. His wide back is strung tight with tension, you can tell. You hurry to him, blocking the drawer with your arm. Jason looks at you, brows rising.

"Can I help you?" he asks.

"Um."

Words. You remember words, don't you?

"You..."

You haven't been physically close to Jason in a long time. He smells like soap and detergent and is all-encompassing. Your brain feels like slush. Don't stare at his pecs.

"I didn't—I'm not grossed out by your scars, Jason," you finally manage to say.

Jason raises an eyebrow. "Sure. You're just grossed out by everything else about me." He sighs wearily, like he's practiced this speech every night in the mirror. "Look, it's fine. I know I'm really—"

"No, it's not fine! I can't bear having you think I'm repulsed by your body, Jason. That's just not true," you say.

"Well, you were starin' pretty hard, so—"

"But it wasn't—I wasn't staring in disgust, I was—I..."

Jason crosses his arms. His pecs are pushed up as he does so. His stomach looks so soft. But you know he's strong. Way stronger than you. Strong enough to wield his strength against you, if you wanted him to. Strong enough to be gentle with you, too.

You wonder if he's still ticklish.

"You're doin' it again!" Jason says, and this time he really does look hurt. Fuck. Fuck! You're a shitty best friend.

"No!" You lock eyes with him. "No, no! I mean, yes, I was looking at you. But I wasn't looking in a bad, judgy way. I was, uh, taking in your physique. Because you have a... a very nice body. I've never seen you without clothes so I was looking at you. Sorry."

Yeah, you'll just go die in a hole after this.

Jason squints at you for a long moment. You start to shift in place. Sweat beads on your forehead. You lick your lips, hoping Jason can hear your honesty.

"Are you messin' with me?"

"Huh?" You shake your head. "No, why would I—"

"You're really telling me that you find this," Jason gestures to his body, "Good looking?"

This is worse than any physical torture. You'd prefer Batman beating you up on a roof to being here.

You rub your temple, cheeks aflame. "Oh my God. Yes, Jason, you're a good looking guy. Can we move on?"

"No, 'cause I think you're lyin', and I don't like it. You're always honest with me."

"I am being honest," you say, suddenly more annoyed than anything. Because what the fuck? "Are you kidding me? There's a whole forum dedicated to the Red Hood and how much people want you to step on them. And that's without seeing your face! I have eyes, Jason, of course I find you attractive."

And that should be the end of it. Jason's already slack-jawed like a dead fish. But no, you keep going.

"You make me nervous and I thought I had a lid on it because we knew each other as kids but it's becoming clear that I very much don't, and that probably has to do with the fact that you're the only guy I've been close to, and I never got over you. And now I'm gonna go drown myself in the Hudson. Good night."

You go to slip out the window. Maybe it'll shut on your head and knock you out. That would be a divine gift.

It doesn't, though. The universe isn't so kind. Instead, Jason catches your arm and keeps you rooted to your spot. His hand is cold. You wonder if the rest of him is warm.

"Wait, wait. Just hang on."

You groan. "Dude, I'm fucking mortified over the last five minutes. Please let me keep some of my dignity," you say without looking at him.

"Now when have I ever done that?" You can hear the smile in his voice.

And suddenly, the miserable reality of never being more than friends with Jason Todd comes crashing down. It's too late. You've always been too late.

You sag in his grip.

"We can just forget this ever happened," you say quietly. "Chalk it up to idiocy."

"Mm, yeah, we could. 'Cept I don't think you're an idiot. And I want you to hear what I have t'say first. Will ya look at me?"

Mopily, you look at him. His hand drops.

"I—"

"You've never slept naked," you say before he can get a word out. "That's new. Otherwise, I would've known, and then I would've used the door."

Jason rolls his eyes. "Can I speak?"

You cross your arms. "Yeah, okay."

"First of all, I don't think it's necessary for me to disclose that I sleep in the nude." You open your mouth to argue. "But I know it was a mistake. I'm not mad about that. Okay?"

You nod. "Okay."

"I won't lie and say I'm not surprised at your... reaction. I don't really... I've never... I'm not Dick or Bruce, y'know? I wasn't told my whole life what a handsome boy I am. And dying and returning didn't really help with that stuff either."

"I think you're handsome, Jason," you say quietly. "Honest."

He coughs and looks away, a tiny blush on his cheeks. "Yeah, uh, think you've made that pretty clear. For the record, I think you're really beautiful. Always thought so."

Your eyes widen. "Really?"

"Well, yeah. I mean... yeah."

"You're just saying that 'cause I saw your vein cane," you say, grinning.

"Don't call it that."

"How about—"

"No."

You're both quiet.

"How 'bout pork swor—"

"No!"

You smile, eyes squinty. Jason glares.

"Don't nickname my thing," he says.

You nod solemnly. "You're right. It's your thing. You should choose its name."

He shakes his head. "Sucha weirdo."

"Hey, I've never been with a guy. I don't know the rules of thing-naming."

Jason tilts his head. "Never?"

"Never."

"Why?"

You shrug. "Never found anyone I liked enough, I guess. I've pretty much had my heart set on you, Jason."

His face softens. "Oh."

"Yeah."

"Well, uh, me too," he says. "You're it for me, honey. I just never... I mean, really, I never thought it would actually happen with you. Not then, not now."

"Huh. You really should've flashed me earlier. We could've sped things up exponentially."

"Yeah, why didn't I think of that," Jason says dryly.

"Dunno! We all know you're more than a pretty face."

His face reddens. You grin.

"Are you shy?" you ask, dancing on your toes.

"No. Shut up."

"You're shy! I make Jason Todd shy! Oh, this is wonderful. I should break into your apartment regularly."

"It's just new for me!" he says. "Lea' me alone."

You cozy up to him, confidence renewed by the mutual confession. You wrap your arms around his neck. Jason looks at you, hands slowly coming to rest on your waist. The rest of him is warm.

"Just teasing you, Jaybee," you say.

"Hmm." He slowly nudges your cheek with his nose. "Like y'always do?"

"Like I always do," you say sweetly. "But for the record, if we ever share a bed in the future, you're gonna have to keep the soldier in his tent."

Jason lets go of you, exasperated. "Oh, for—y'know what? Your visitation privileges are revoked. Get outta my apartment."

You put on the saddest face you can muster. "You're kicking me out? Into the cold?"

"It's eighty degrees."

You sigh loudly. "Okay, fine. Date tomorrow?"

"Seriously?" Jason asks, sounding genuinely surprised.

"Seriously! Why wouldn't I be serious?"

"You really wanna date me?"

"Never been more sure of anything in my life."

Jason's relief is palpable and bittersweet. You'll spend the rest of your days letting him know just how spectacular he and his pectorals are.

"Okay," he says, shy again. You don't tease him this time.

"Great!" You close the distance between you and peck him on the cheek. His blinks in surprise.

"I'll give you a proper kiss on our date," you say, winking. "Bye, Jasey-Daisy."

"Bye, honey. Don't break into anyone else's apartment on your way home."

"Never," you say, climbing out the window. "You're the only one for me, Toddy!"

[bizbat]

Kill for Her - Jason Todd x Reader - 1

🕸️Spiderverse Masterlist🕸️

🐼JJK Masterlist🐼

~ Fem terms used for reader.

~ Mild smut alluded to but nothing explicit.

~ Reader's appearance is not described.

~ Parts one, two, three, and four, as well as my other works, can be found here!

~ Also please lmk how i can improve the masterlist if you do end up checking out my other works!!! (:

~ Thank you so, so much for everyone who requested more crazy jason! ILLYYYY (p.s. thank you for being so patient with this, ik it took forever omg)

~ Wc: 1.4k

~ Tw: (Very) Unhealthy Relationship Dynamics and All that Comes with it, Mentions of Having Children, Jason Todd is Not a Good Person in this, Pet Names, Nausea, Angst, Blood and Violence, Variety in Themes, Cringe maybe (lmk)

"Break up?" You think you can just "break up" with Jason Peter "I've never been in a real relationship bc I died as a teenager and I have serious deep running abandonment issues stemming from my more than troubled childhood" Todd?

Funny.

Real funny.

But yk what he doesn't think he really likes that joke and maybe you should actually never tell it again, okay? ((:

It doesn't matter what way you try to approach the subject. Kind, playing into his delusions about being a real couple? You're overthinking things, but that's fine, he loves you anyways.

Yelling, crying, screaming for him to get the fuck out of your home and go die? You're probably just being dramatic, but that's okay, you're sassy, he's sassy, match made in heaven!

The man is kookoo. He genuinely believes that you're destined to get married to each other and either have or adopt a ton of children and he's gonna be the best dad ever and you'll be a wonderful mom ever and blah blah blah blah.

And I've barely scratched the surface of all his crazy, it runs deep.

~ Drabble Starts Here. ~

He'd kill for you. Without a doubt.

He's always figured, somewhere in the back of his mind, that he might have to go back on his word to Bruce for your sake, that he might have to further stain his own soul and hands to keep yours clean, to protect you, to protect your relationship. It's not something he's too particularly worried about, to him, you might as well be the only living person on the planet anyways. Don't get him wrong, he loves his family, to the moon and back and more (don't tell them that), but if there were two people left on the planet, and one of them was you, and the other was him, he thinks the world might finally be fair. That life might finally be kind to him.

And with reasoning like that, whispered into your hair at night when he thinks you're asleep, how could you be so cruel as to break his heart? How could you when he begs, begs you not to see how evil he thinks he is at night when he's been up too late and his brain starts to tell him cruel things about himself? When he brings you a gift every time he sees you. Granted, they're stolen, and granted, he broke into your home. But they're exemplary of his devotion to you nonetheless. Or at least that's how you see it, that's how you see him.

It's true, Jason has lived a life more than deserving of pity, of kindness and support. That's part of why you feel nauseous right now, your hands, slightly clammy, nervously wring the hem of the shirt you're wearing. It's big on you, hanging down past your thighs. You can't remember if it's his or yours. Your tongue feels too big in your mouth, and your knee is bouncing so much you're sure the muscles in your calf are well defined by now.

The reason you feel so ill as you wait for him at 12:48 AM, your eyes flicking back and forth between the clock on your phone and your TV currently playing reruns, is because tonight is the end of it. The end of Jason breaking into your apartment with a spare key he had made without your knowledge, or your window when you switch your lock for the umpteenth time. The end of you waking up next to him in your bed when you know he wasn't there when you went to sleep. The end of his overly personal nicknames that allude to a relationship you've told him time and time again that you Do. Not. Have.

Tonight you're "breaking up with" Jason Todd. If you weren't on edge you might laugh at the thought. You and Jason have (at least in your adamant opinion) never agreed to date. He never asked you out, he just started, well, acting the way he acts; breaking into your home, stealing random articles of clothing that he has a particular interest in, acting like your boyfriend. But it's been months. You're tired.

"Jason!" You say, surprised at his sudden appearance. You guess you got too caught up in your thoughts. He smells like metal. You're worried about what he might've been getting up to, but that's not your main focus at the moment.

He hears your voice sing his name as he walks into your shared apartment, through the door this time. He knows how much you hate it when he comes in through the window. He's happy to see you, albeit a little surprised, you're usually asleep by this time. You must've stayed up for him, a smile rises to his lips at the thought. "Hiya doll, what're you doing up so late?" He's clearly exhausted, even though he's turning in relatively early, it now being 1:29, he's already had a long, long night. A long, painful, violent night.

All he wants right now is to lay beside you, to rest his head on your chest and hear your heartbeat. It's his second favorite sound in the world. The first being those gorgeous noises you make when he's got his head between your thighs and your fingers in his hair-

He's pulled from his thoughts at the sight of your lip tucked between your teeth, the worry on your face more than evident. His smile drops as he hangs up his signature leather jacket on the coat rack beside the door, and slowly makes his way over to you. "You okay, doll? What's wrong?" He asks you with such sincerity, like he really does care. And the worst part is you know he does.

"We . . . we need to talk, Jason." He can hear how nervous you are just by the way your voice quivers as you address him. It always makes his heart hurt when he hears that. You avert your gaze, unable to look at him at this moment. You breathe deeply, trying to calm your heart and quell the bile fighting to come out. You need to do this, and you need to do it now. "I . . ." You barely manage to warble out, clenching your jaw before bracing yourself. "I want to break up with you Jason." You say after taking a deep breath through your nose.

This is it, you did it. You can feel the saline tears rising to your waterline, but you aren't sad at all. You swallow the massive lump in your throat as you wait for his response, your hands furiously gripping your shirt, an unreadable expression on his face. He just . . . stares for a moment. He doesn't blink, he doesn't frown, he doesn't start sobbing, fall to his knees, beg you to change your mind.

He doesn't do anything. The longer his stillness goes on, the more and more your confidence deteriorates. Your shoulders drop from their tense state, your lip quivers, and your ears ring from how dead silent the room seems to be. "Jason . . ." He's barely blinking, his head slightly cocked, his hands limply dangling at his sides. "I said," You clear your throat, not favoring how weak you sound. "I said I want to break up with you. I don't want to date you anymore." You know he heard you, but you repeat yourself nonetheless.

The longer the two of you sit in silence, the harder it is to stomach it. Your hands shake as they grip your shirt, the fabric wrinkles in your tight grasp, your chest feels like all of your ribs have turned into snakes and started squeezing and constricting around your pounding heart. His eyes pierce your soul, the usually deep pits now shallow and glassy. Eventually, the second that he sees a single drop of water fall down your cheek he seems to snap out of it.

The life, the color returns to his face and eyes, as if he was just woken out of a deep trance at the mere sight of your tears. Then, perhaps most disturbingly, he laughs. A cold, icy chuckle that slides off his vocal cords and freezes the room. It sounds almost plastic, rehearsed, like he's practiced it in the mirror hundreds of times in preparation for moments like this. "That . . ." he wheezes between bouts of fake laughter. "That was really funny, babe, you almost had me there."

Jason runs a hand through his hair, disguising the act as if he's trying to gather himself when really, he's resisting the urge to grip on the strands of inky black until they rip from his scalp. He's still pretending to collect himself as he slips past your form, still standing almost perfectly still, into your room. You don't even remember the rest of the night. You don't remember what either of you said, what either of you did, all you remember is following him into the room, being coaxed into bed, and resting your swirling head on his chest as his arms wrapped so, so tightly around your shoulders.

Jason doesn't sleep well that night, even with you safely tucked into his arms. It was a joke, it was a joke, it was a joke. That's what he tells himself. Over and over in his head, bouncing off the walls of his skull; it was a joke, it was a joke, it was a joke. It must be, it has to be. His sweet Y/n, who knows what he's been through, who knows he's never had anything, and anything he has ever had was ripped from his hands, his Y/n would never be so cruel.

She'd never leave him. He couldn't let her. Not when he'd die for her, not when he'd kill for her.

[spiralwriting]

Promises

(look at me being productive, woo hoo)

Promises should never be broken.

Despite the knots that tightened sickeningly in my stomach and the salty river that threatened to spill from my eyes with each passing second, that sentiment circled my brain, flashing like a neon sign.

No matter how much it hurt.

No matter how much I wish I could be anywhere but here.

A promise is a promise, no matter the pain it causes.

So in spite of the dread settling in my heart, I face the man I've come to visit- the man I promised to visit.

This is far from the first time I've sat on this decrepit old chair across from the equally uncared for table, but the white hot glare it reflects never ceases to scolded my eyes; exposing them to the ugly truth of the situation. A Truth I'd trade for anything: a miracle perhaps. A miracle I'd use to travel back in time, one I'd use to prevent this all from happening. How? I don't know, but I'm sure I'd find a way.

If only I had the chance.

Today is particularly grim, so grim in fact that I wish I hadn't even bothered rolling out of bed this morning. Although, I wouldn't miss today for the world, even if it causes me unparalleled amounts of agony.

I can't miss today, it might be my last opportunity to say goodbye, because I don't think I can bring myself to come back and face him if things don't end up going well.

"You didn't have to come today..." His voice, soft, yet tense. "I know this must be hard for you..." he feels it too, the pressure in the room.

Sighing, I shake my head, "No matter how I feel, today is important. I want to be here for you before shit goes down."

This afternoon, the final trial, the verdict. It's terrifying, but it's unavoidable. The gang has been together through thick and thin, today is no different. Currently, there have been no hints towards what might happen, so it's completely up in the air, which makes it that much more unnerving. Ashley is supposed to be giving a statement to the court, which is interesting, seeing as nobody had asked any of us to do so.

"Well I'm glad you're here," a small, feble smile spreads across his scarred face "I will admit, I was really happy when the guard told me you did end up coming."

I can't help the smile that creeps onto my face, knowing that I made his day a little brighter during this bleak time. "Good news for you then, I'm not going anywhere, love."

A yawn suddenly overtakes that smile, drowsiness swallowing my body. "You look exhausted," concern shadows his face "you haven't been sleeping right again, have you?"

I run a hand through my hair, averting my gaze to look at the dull concrete walls of the room instead of his rather unimpressed expression.

"Don't worry about it, just a couple of late nights." My eyes return to meet his, but he doesn't seem convinced.

"Mmhmm."

I can't help but laugh bitterly at his disbelief. I'm aware that he knows me far too well to fall for that blatant lie, and he knows it to.

"Let's be real here, the words 'sleep schedule' haven't been in my vocabulary since I was 12 and they released clumpy."

From the serious look on his face, he didn't appear to like my joke too much. "Has this whole thing been stressing you out? It's okay if it has, i understand that but it shouldn't stop you from functioning. You still need to take care of yourself-"

"Relax! It's nothing to do with this, it's just work n' shit." Lier.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

He sighs in defeat, wether he believes me or not, he doesn't push further. "How have you been anyways? Up to anything interesting?"

I think for a moment, resting my head lazily in my hand, whilst the other traces imaginary shapes across the fridgid table. "No, not really. Life's been pretty boring since we lost most of the group." My eyes narrow "I spend most of my time working now, trying to get enough money to get myself a place." Head shifting to look at him once again, my hand stops and relaxes. "When I'm not working my ass off, I'm usually here." Or drinking my life away in the dark abis my room.

He sits back in his chair, tilting his head slightly, something I've always loved about him, even now, it's so... Cute. "When's the last time you spoke to ash?"

Mirroring his actions, my face falls in distain. "Not recently, that's for sure. I've talked to her about all this, but she's certain none of it is real, that were just deluded by childhood fantasies." A scoff falls from my mouth "So I haven't bothered with her."

"I know it's frustrating, she's expressed the same feelings towards me when she's been here, but you can't isolate yourself like this." He moves forward, holding his chained hand out for mine. I oblige. "You're gonna end up alone, and that's not what you deserve."

My grip on his hands tighten as I attempt to conceal my frustration, "I know, I don't want to end up alone, it's just so... Ugh!" Ripping my hands from his own, I rub my face, aggravated "I just don't understand how after everything she still doesn't believe us. After Larry, after Todd, after..." My gaze falters and falls to the table "... You."

"Her friends are getting hurt, and I don't understand how she just doesn't care." I burry my face in my hands.

After everything we've been through together, her complete disregard for anything I, or anyone else has to say, is pushing me to the edge. I know I'm not insane, despite what she might think.

"Don't say that," guilt consumes me at the somber tone of his voice "she does care, in her own way, she just... doesn't understand. She's still out friend, remember that."

I peek at him through my fingers, he's leaned forward again, brows knitted together and sad look in his eyes. He's hurt by her disbelief, I can see it, but like always, he sees the best in her, like he does with everyone. Like he did with me. He's so sweet, so kind, and I'm once again brought back to how. How could this happen? I believe him when he says he had no choice, but why. Why sal? Why the most genuine, most loving man on this earth? It's not fair.

But when has life ever been fair to him?

My head falls forward, hands dropping and hair covering my shameful face, "Yeah, sorry, you're right. I'm just frustrated, you know? It's hard to understand where she's coming from but... She probably feels the same way, huh?"

"Yeah, she does. Can't blame her, she was never as involved as we were in the cult."

The guilt falls away with the force of a waterfall, replaced with uncontrollable rage at the mention of the cult. They caused all of this. I haven't thought about, nor touched anything to do with it since the incident. Why would I when all it does it cause harm and heartache to those who get involved? As soon as this whole thing is over, I don't plan on sticking around long.

"Alright Mr. Fisher, times up." A guard saunters lazily into the room, looking at a sheet of paper. "you've got an appointment with Dr. Enon before your trial."

Blankly, I stare at the man that interrupted our conversation. The world around me begins to dissolve as I realise the time that approaches.

I rise to my feet, legs feeling numb, and as if I could collapse at any moment. My steps feel staggered as I make my way out of the melancholy room. In contrast to the dull, lifeless room I previously sat in, the seemingly endless halls are pristine, bright and somewhat less depressing. Though, it still feels devoid of life.

My body turns and takes a step forward towards sal.

"I'll see you in the court room, okay?" My hands caress his mask, fingers running smoothly across his scruffy hair. Guiding his face up, I lay the ghost of a kiss on his forehead, keeping it there for a moment. "I love you, Sal." A whisper, a secret, a promise, only for us to hear.

A relaxed exhale releases loudly through the holes of his prosthetic, head leaning against my chin slightly. "I love you too..."

"Come on, let's go!"

I glare at the guard overtop of the mop of messy blue hair, releasing his face and taking a miniscule step backwards. A smile sits painfully along my face as we say our farewells and I watch him turn and make his way down the hall.

I stand there for what feels like hours before he finally rounds a corner.

My face falls.

[blueraineshadows]

i've been scrolling through your page and it's just 😫

anyway, could i request a sebastian sallow smut were reader is absolutely stressed out by studying for N.E.W.T.s (earlier than everyone else and also harder - bc she doesn't want to stay behind) and she's just snapping at everyone and spends most of her time studying on her Room of Requirement. after a particularly aggressive (or rude) answer she gave to sebastian earlier, he decides to release her stress by eating her out, leading to more heated things as he wanted to wear her off >:)

if you take this request thank you <3 and if you don't it's okay!! bye <3

Thank you so much for the request! I am so sorry that it has taken me a while to put an answer together for you. I hope that this is okay 💜🙏

Sebastian Sallow x F!MC 🔥❤️‍🔥 NSFW 🔞

The library was quiet and Sebastian was engrossed in the book he was poring over, head bent, his hand poised over his notes parchment, quill in hand. Beside him sat Ominis, his wand held over his book as it translated the words for him. Sebastian lifted his head distractedly at his friend's sigh, thinking perhaps he was struggling with something, ready to assist.

"Everything alright?" He asked.

Ominis twisted his mouth a little, his brow furrowed. "Have you done something to upset MC?"

Sebastian frowned. "No," he replied. He tilted his head, thinking for a moment and put his quill down. "At least, I don't think I have. Why do you ask?"

"She has been in the most terrible mood lately, snapping and being rather rude if I'm being honest," Ominis grumbled. "She was most unsavoury at breakfast this morning."

Sebastian nodded. "Hmm, yes she has been a bit snippy, and hiding out too. I made the mistake of suggesting it was her time of the month and, well, let's just say I was lucky to escape her wrath with my head still attached."

Ominis snickered. "Oh, Sebastian, you should know better than to say such a thing to a young lady, especially one you have a habit of sharing a bed with."

Sebastian smirked and then nudged Ominis with his elbow. "Shh, she's coming," he whispered. He snatched up his quill as MC crossed the library towards them, offering up a smile to her as she dropped her books onto the table in front of them. Her smile flashed across her lips and then disappeared just as quickly.

"Good afternoon, MC," Ominis said carefully.

"Hello," she said. She sighed and pulled out a chair, sitting down and opening her books. "What are you studying?"

Sebastian shifted in his seat, eyeing MC. Had he said or done something to upset her? He took in the haphazard way she had pinned her hair up today, the shadows under eyes and the paleness in her cheeks. He knew her well enough to understand her troubles with sleep, something he struggled with himself. Maybe she was just tired?

"Arithmancy," he said. He grimaced. "Welcome to the party, it's great fun."

She huffed a short laugh through her nose and leaned over to take a look at what he had written on his parchment. "It doesn't matter how long I stare at the numbers, they still seem to mock me. I feel like I am in a constant battle with my brain to keep up with everyone else. Trolls, poachers, even the odd dark wizard, would be more preferable to take on rather than these awful NEWT exams."

"Are you feeling a tad stressed, MC?" Ominis asked with concern. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

Her shoulders slumped and soft smile lifted her lips. "That's very sweet of you, Ominis," she said. "It is all a bit overwhelming, isn't it?"

Sebastian watched their exchange, his eyes drawn to the subtle flick of her tongue over her bottom lip, and he felt a stirring in his pants. She had such a pretty mouth, especially when she smiled. His lips twitched into a playful smirk. "I know a few good stress relieving techniques, if you're interested," he murmured suggestively.

Her eyes widened a fraction as they swung towards him, her cheeks turning a lovely shade of pink. A sharp kick was delivered to his shin as Ominis clicked his tongue in irritation beside him. "For goodness sake," Ominis muttered.

Sebastian's smirked widened until he saw the frown on MC's face. Then it faltered.

"Ominis is right!" She huffed. "Here I am, worried about my exams and my future after Hogwarts, and all you can think about is what is going on inside your pants!"

His lips parted in surprise, eyebrows lifting. "I was only messing..."

"Well don't!" She snapped. She stood and slapped her books shut, gathering them up before giving him a glare. "I apologise, Ominis, but I shall see you later. I've decided to study elsewhere this afternoon."

Sebastian watched her retreating back in surprise and a sinking sensation in his stomach. Maybe he really had done something wrong. Or, maybe she was beginning to think that her future didn't feature him in it? That thought made him feel rather cold.

"Wow, you're right, Ominis," he said. He dropped his quill back down and ran his hand through his hair. "She really isn't happy, is she?"

"I'm sure it's just stress," Ominis said. He tilted his head and put a tentative hand on Sebastian's forearm, his fingers seeking him out across the table. "Perhaps less of the smutty talk, and more chat about how you can help her. I know you care deeply for her, Sebastian. Maybe she needs you to show it."

Sebastian sighed and patted Ominis on the hand. "Let's hope she will be willing to let me."

....*....

Feeling rather wretched and sad despite her long bath, MC wandered the corridors of the Defence Against the Dark Arts tower trying to self soothe her nerves. The delicate strains of the enchanted instruments filtered across the space and she felt a pang of sadness. It was a familiar and comforting sound and she was going to miss it.

To think that her time here at Hogwarts was drawing to a close was making the impending exams even more stressful, and she had always felt like she was one step behind everyone else, she had so much more to prove despite all she had achieved so far. To make matters worse, she was snapping and being so awful to the people that she cared so much about.

She winced at the memory of Sebastian's crestfallen face as she had stormed out of the library this afternoon. She had been rather mean to Ominis this morning as well. She adored her two Slytherin boys, couldn't imagine being without either of them, but her heart was Sebastian's. That boy had duelled his way into her life, stole her heart and sanity, and she had been shutting him out.

Feeling regretful, but so tense still, MC found herself outside the Undercroft entrance. Maybe Sebastian would be down there.

As she arrived at the metal gate, she could see him on the far side, scribbling away on a chalkboard by the light of candles balanced on the storage crates nearby. Her lips lifted in a fond smile at the open book in his other hand. He always had a book open around him somewhere. It was one of the things she loved about him.

Sebastian turned at the sound of the gate opening and he immediately closed the book and put down his chalk. He rubbed his hand against his hip and took a few steps towards her, his smile hesitant, his gaze uncertain.

Tears stung her eyes and she held her arms up towards him. Instantly, he was across the room and scooping her up into a warm embrace, her feet leaving the floor as he squeezed her against his chest. "I'm sorry," he mumbled into her hair.

"No, I'm sorry," she said. She leant back to look at his face, her hands cupping his gorgeous freckled cheeks. "I've been terrible, I know I have. I'm just so scared and nervous about exams and what comes next. I shouldn't take it out on those I love."

His eyebrow quirked. "So, you do still love me, then?"

She bent her head and pressed her nose to his. "Forever."

His beautiful brown eyes burned into hers, so close to her own that she felt the heat from his gaze all the way down to her toes, that were still dangling mid air where he held her.

"Don't worry about what comes after Hogwarts," he said softly. "Whatever it is, we are doing it together, alright? Me and you. I love you, even when you are biting my head off."

She grinned and swiped her thumb over his lower lip. "Maybe I just liking keeping you on your toes," she whispered.

He smirked. "That you do."

She pressed a kiss to those soft lips of his, her eyes fluttering closed at the warm response he gave her, his grip on her tightening as he lowered her feet back to the floor. Her lips parted as her head tilted back and he took full advantage, his tongue swirling slowly into her mouth, the caress of it smooth and delicious.

Kissing him was one of her favourite things, along with the way he held her with his hands, one of them sliding wantonly over her waist and hip as he kissed her thoroughly. He always woke the heat inside of her, a heat that lay dozing and ready for his lips and hands to come along and prod it into life.

When they came up for air she smiled against his mouth, pressing little kisses along his damp lips. "Now then, Sallow," she murmured. "What were those stress relieving techniques you mentioned earlier?"

His smirk was devilish. "Suddenly interested are we?"

She bit her lower lip. "I find myself in need of some release," she taunted.

Sebastian had her spread on the study table, robes and hair splayed out across the many parchments and books scattered across it, her skirt up around her waist and his mouth firmly on hers as his fingers delved through her slick folds.

MC moaned, her back arching as he swirled knowingly over her nub, sliding his fingers against her in ways that had her toes curling and his name whispered from her lips. He tugged her school tie free, tossing it over his shoulder as he opened her blouse, his mouth sucking and licking at her skin. She gripped his hair, her hips rolling as she chased the release that she was confident he would give her.

His hands grabbed at her hips, tugging her towards him, a little yelp leaving her as her hips slid to the table edge. Parchment scattered and she heard the thump of a book hitting the floor, but soon forgot about that as his mouth clamped on to the sensitive skin of her inner thigh, sucking forcefully until a glorious red bloom appeared there. His mouth moved higher, his hand gripping underneath her thigh as he spread her open for him.

His eyes blazed with hunger and he licked his lips before he dropped to his knees. MC gasped, pressing herself up into her elbows to look down at the ruffled mop of his brown hair between her thighs. "Sebastian...ooooohhhh!"

Her head fell back as the exclamation left her mouth, the delicious slide of his hot tongue gliding across her most sensitive parts sending fire and delight through her. He savoured her flesh with sinful sounding kisses, his tongue dancing erotically as she arched, her fingers delving into those brown locks and gripping on. As he licked and sucked, the pressure and the tease was sending her upwards in a spinning spiral. Her thighs began to tremble, her moans turning into cries as he worked harder, his fingers sliding into her to add that little bit extra to her pleasure.

It was a conflict of wanting to have him keep making her feel this way, against the complete and utter need to reach her limit. Her hips rocked, and he moaned against her heat, a gasp leaving her lips at the pleasant vibration of it. As the wave crested, MC clenched, her eyes squeezing shut as the tremor took her. Her arm flung out, scattering more of their study materials onto the stone floor of the Undercroft, as a low cry of release left her throat.

Sebastian stood, wiping his mouth and chin with the back of his hand before drawing her up into a sitting position, his arms encircling her tightly. His hands smoothed through her hair as he pressed kisses along her neck and whispered his love into her ears while she trembled. MC clung to him, burying her face against his familiar scent, satisfied and loving him all the more for it.

As her breathing slowed, her fingers toyed with his tie, loosening it a little so that she could press kisses to his throat. "How are your stress levels, then, Seb?" She teased.

He chuckled and grabbed her hand, guiding it down to where there was a rather promising bulge in his trousers. She hummed in approval, her gaze playful as she met his eyes and palmed him teasingly. He groaned, his hips rolling. "I could do with a little release myself as it goes," he said. He kissed her, slow, hungry.

MC responded, her fingers tugging at his fastenings and pushing his clothing aside to free his length, sliding her grip over it. Her leg shifted, hooking around him tighter and pulling him close. "I reckon this table is strong enough to take a decent amount of stress relief," she suggested.

His look was dark and dangerous as he slid the palm of his hand from her knee up her thigh, fingers gripping at her hip as he positioned himself against her. "Let's find out," he breathed. He entered her, stretching her out, their breaths mingling as they both moaned at the intrusion.

MC braced her hands on the table top as Sebastian began to thrust, pushing the table to it's absolute limit as he took her forcefully, chasing his own much needed release. His face was flushed, his hair mussed and his lips parted as he fucked, moans spilling from his mouth. MC could feel her own walls tightening around him, the sight and feel of him combining to build that fire within her again. As release hit her again, Sebastian let himself go too, the deep throb signalling the spill deep within her. She reached for him, holding his head against her chest as he gasped for breath, his face damp with sweat.

As they straightened their clothes, their eyes met with intimate glances and knowing smiles. MC grabbed his hand, her heart feeling full, and her shoulders definitely feeling much more relaxed. She lifted his hand to her mouth, pressing kisses along the back of it to his wrist. "I love you," she said.

He wrapped his arms about her waist and pressed his forehead to hers. "I love you too," he said. He smoothed a hand up her back, cupping her neck and massaging gently. "Feeling better?"

She grinned and nodded. "Much better, thank you," she said. "You know, I think I might need a bit more of this stress relief, what with all these exams looming..."

"You only have to say the word, my love, and I will give you all the stress relief you need," he said. His mouth claimed hers in another delicious kiss that had her pondering the possibility of sneaking into his dorm room later that night.

[sidekick-hero]

Here it is, the next chapter of my entry for the @steddiesummerexchange. This is a gift for my dear friend @starryeyedjanai 💜💜💜 Her prompt was 'Steve can't get his inheritance until he marries someone'. Shout out to @acasualcrossfade for being the best beta reader there is!

Pairings: Steve/Eddie, Robin/Chrissy Characters: Steve, Eddie, Robin, Chrissy, Max, Dustin, Wayne Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fake Marriage, Platonic Stobin, Platonic Hellcheer, idiot4idiot, Friends to Husbands to Lovers, Humor and Fluff and a smudge Angst

Summary:

When Steve's grandmother dies, he finds out that he can only get his inheritance - half a million dollars - if he marries someone. It's her way of forcing Steve to live a heterosexual life. Sucks for her that gay marriage has been legalized since she wrote her will. Sucks for Steve that he doesn't have a man or woman in his life to marry. Cue Eddie Munson, roommate and best friend of Robin's girlfriend Chrissy and the guy Steve has had a crush on for years. What could possibly go wrong?

Read on AO3 - the fic is finished and has 4 chapters, the last one will drop June 24

Chapter 1| Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4

Chapter 3 (4.7k) under the cut

Luck is on his side because Eddie is home. He looks like Steve just woke him up—pillow crease on his cheek, hair a mess, and his face softer than usual, making him look younger.

It's a sweet sight, one Steve might get used to if they actually move in together. For the first time, the thought doesn't fill him with dread and sadness about losing Robin as a roommate.

"Steve?" Eddie asks, blinking in confusion. "Birdie's not here, sorry." He sounds half-asleep, his words slightly slurred.

Of course, Eddie would think he was looking for Robin. Despite what Chrissy and Robin say, Steve and Eddie getting married will change things. Like, Steve will start seeking Eddie's company and they'll spend time alone without their friends as buffers.

"No, I know she's at work. I wanted to talk to you. I texted you that I was coming over."

Eddie’s face lights up with understanding. "Oh, sorry, my phone's in sleep mode. Had a late shift at the bar and only got home around 2. Then I had to open the garage because Bernie sprained his ankle, so I was catching up on some sleep."

"Ah, shit, I'm so sorry, man," Steve apologizes quickly, wincing. "I didn't mean to wake you. It's not that important, go back to sleep, we can talk tomorrow or—"

Eddie cuts him off with a hand on his shoulder. "No, no, it's okay, really. Come on in. You couldn't have known, and I should get up anyway if I don't wanna mess up my sleep rhythm."

Steve snorts. "From what I hear, you have as much of a sleep rhythm as Robin has a brain-mouth filter."

"You wound me, Harrington. Just because it's eclectic doesn't mean there's no rhythm. My sleep schedule is more jazz than pop."

Steve chuckles, rolling his eyes. “Sure, whatever you say.”

Eddie steps aside with a playful swat to Steve’s shoulder. “I feel like you’re not taking me seriously here.”

Steve only hums in response, so Eddie changes the topic. “So, what did you want to talk about?”

They move into the kitchen, and Steve takes a seat at the highbar Chrissy and Eddie installed two years ago. Steve remembers helping with that project, along with Eddie’s friend Jeff. It was a fun afternoon—just them chatting, sharing a big pizza, and working with their hands. It shouldn’t have surprised Steve that Eddie was good with his hands. After all, he’s seen him play guitar and mix drinks expertly when he bartends. He also knows Eddie makes most of his money fixing cars and motorbikes at a friend’s garage.

Still, seeing Eddie aptly handling tools and oiling up the wood had been… an experience. One he had revisited in his mind more than once when he couldn’t sleep and was too weak to fight off the urge any longer to jack off to thoughts of his friend.

“Earth to Steve, do you copy?”

Eddie’s voice snaps him out of his thoughts, and he realizes Eddie is now standing much closer than before.

“Uh… sorry, I zoned out. What did you say?”

“I,” Eddie starts, speaking slowly and deliberately, “asked if you wanted a coffee. And before that, I asked what you wanted to talk about. You haven’t answered either question, so here’s a third: Is everything alright?”

Eddie's probably joking, but he sounds a bit worried, so Steve musters a mostly sincere smile.

“Yeah, man. I’m good. Just… it’s been a long day. Long days. Coffee sounds good, I haven’t slept much.”

“Sure, coming right up.”

Steve watches as Eddie prepares their coffees, his thoughts drifting again as he watches Eddie’s surprisingly broad back move under his worn t-shirt. It looks soft and thin, sporting a couple of holes, and looking incredibly comfy. He idly wonders how it would feel to wrap his arms around Eddie’s tiny waist from behind, pressing his front against Eddie’s back, with his chin hooked over Eddie’s bony shoulder and his cheek against Eddie’s.

It’s a nice thought.

“Your coffee, my liege.”

A cup of coffee appears in front of Steve, startling him out of his daydreams about Eddie. It's the second time he's drifted off today, and he really needs to get his act together.

“Thanks, man. Do you have some milk?”

“Already added it. Two sips, no sugar, right?”

And, yeah, that’s exactly how Steve takes his coffee. He just had no idea Eddie knew that too.

His surprise must be obvious because Eddie's ears turn red. He hides his mouth behind a strand of hair and mumbles, “Just noticed you always make it like that.”

Steve's heart skips a beat. It's a small thing, but it means a lot to know that Eddie is paying so much attention to him, even if it's just as confusing as the time Eddie decided to fall on his own ass to save Steve's birthday cake. Or the time he drove over to Steve and Robin's apartment to make sure Steve had actually turned off the stove that morning because everyone else was at work.

It doesn't fit with the way he rebuffed every attempt by Steve to get to know him better when they first met. Or this conversation he overheard between him and Chrissy about two months after Robin and Chrissy started dating. The one where Eddie had asked why Robin was always bringing that rich asshole jock over.

Everything about Eddie keeps confusing him, making the conversation he needs to have with him even harder, so he takes a sip of coffee to buy some time.

It's good, strong but not bitter, and just the right amount of milk. He hums appreciatively. "Thanks, Eddie. It’s perfect."

Eddie smiles shyly and sits across from Steve, cradling his own mug. "So, what's up, man? It seemed pretty urgent when you knocked on my door."

Steve takes a deep breath, knowing he has to get this right. "I, uh, told Max and Dustin about us. You know, the whole fake engagement thing. Only, I didn’t tell them it’s fake, obviously."

Eddie raises an eyebrow. "Yeah? And how'd they take it?"

"Well, they believed it. Max was cool about it," Steve lies, remembering how serious Max got about his issues, something he doesn't want to unpack right now. "And Dustin... well, he was a little hurt we didn't tell him sooner, but he's on board. He'll be a groomsman, just FYI." Steve pauses, rubbing his neck nervously. "The thing is, I kind of told them a story about how we got together. And I'm not sure it matches what you've been telling people.”

Eddie's eyes widen in amusement. "You made up a story? This I gotta hear."

Steve groans but feels a bit relieved that Eddie seems cool about it. “Okay, so… it had to be convincing. Max and Dustin have known me forever, so they know that I’m someone who,” Steve pauses, feeling vulnerable admitting he falls fast and hard, an incurable romantic at heart.

“Someone who…” Eddie prompts.

“Someone who usually rushes headfirst into relationships. I hook up a lot, but when I date, I fall pretty fast. Robin says I have a trigger-happy heart, whatever that means.” He knows what it means, and that Robin’s right, but Eddie doesn’t need to know that. “So I told them I had a crush on you but wasn’t sure how you felt until a movie night, where we both reached for the chips and our fingers touched, then we kissed, and the rest is history. I proposed pretty fast after that, too, because I wanted to put a ring on the guy I had been crushing on for so long. They ate the story right up.” Steve adds the last part hastily, realizing how cliché it sounds.

Eddie laughs, shaking his head. "I can't believe they just bought it like that, it sounds like something straight out of a romcom. But you know what? I kinda love it."

Steve feels almost dizzy with relief. "You do?"

"Yeah, it's cute. And I haven't told anyone yet, so we can stick to your story."

Steve lets out a sigh of gratitude for Eddie’s easy acceptance before the implications of what Eddie just said sink in.

"You haven't told anyone yet?"

The hurt in his voice is more obvious than he wants it to be, but he can't help but wonder why Eddie wouldn't tell anyone. Sure, it's not like they're in a real relationship, but it still feels like Eddie's ashamed of him or something. Deep down he knows that he's way too invested, but it's hard not to get caught up in it all.

Eddie must have heard it too, because his eyes soften as they search his face. "No, not yet. I... wasn't sure you wouldn't take it back, to be honest. And I didn't want to have to explain to people why I told them I was getting married and then had to say 'oops, my bad, never mind', y'know?"

There's some color in Eddie's cheeks and he's fiddling with his rings, his eyes darting away from Steve's. He grabs Eddie's hand and stops him from twisting his thumb ring.

"You really thought that? But - why? I mean, if anyone was going to take it back, I thought it would be you. You're doing me a huge favor here, in case you've forgotten."

Eddie's hand feels warm in his, the skin under his palm softer than he expected. He squeezes it to emphasize his words and desperately wants to give in to the urge to caress his knuckles with his thumb, too.

He doesn't, figuring it's a line he shouldn't cross.

"I told you, I don't mind. And I get something out of it too, so it's not like you're twisting my arm or anything. I guess it's just hard for me to believe that someone like you would want to marry someone like me. Even if it's a scam."

"You mean someone who's a rich asshole jock?" Steve asks, his voice bitter as he remembers Eddie's words to Chrissy.

Eddie's eyes widen in obvious surprise. "What? No! What makes you..." Eddie begins, but trails off, the color draining from his face as he curses at the realization. "You heard that, huh?"

He looks pained as he asks, his hand twitching under Steve's as if he wants to pull it away but doesn't dare.

"Yeah, I did. Sorry for eavesdropping, but you and Chrissy were discussing it right in front of the bathroom I was going to use."

Eddie groans, finally pulling his hand away so he can bury his face in his hands. His voice is muffled when he speaks.

"No. Fuck, no. I'm sorry, Steve. That was... That was before."

"Before?"

"Before! Before I got to know you. Before I realized that I might be a complete idiot who prides himself on going against the grain and being open-minded and all that shit, only to go around judging people by their appearances instead of giving them a fair chance. The only asshole in this room is me." He groans again, a sound of pain and despair. "God, I can't believe you heard that crap and went on thinking that's how I fe - that's how I see you."

"Isn't it?" Steve couldn't help but ask, stunned by the sudden turn of events. He thought that Eddie had gotten over some of his resentment over the last few years, but it's hard to believe that he sees Steve so differently.

"It isn't!" Eddie almost yells, clearly wanting Steve to believe him. Then his voice softens again, "It's not. It didn't take me long to realize that you're a really good dude, Steve.”

And that is... a lot to take in. While he may need some time to let Eddie's words sink in, his heart doesn't seem to have any trouble taking this new realization and running with it, judging by the warmth spreading through his chest.

Eddie likes him. Has for some time, it seems. Maybe not in the same way that Steve likes him, but it's nice. Really nice.

"I won't," he tells Eddie.

"You won't what?"

"Take it back. I'm still all in. That is, if you are too."

A slow smile spreads across Eddie's face, the first hint of dimples adorning his cheeks. He returns it with one of his own, and for a long moment they just look at each other, the air around them thick with something. Something he dares not name, but that makes the hairs on his arms stand up.

Then Eddie breaks the moment by shaking his head with a small chuckle. "Looks like I have to make some phone calls today and share the great news."

"Great news? Did I miss something?" Steve jokes and Eddie rolls his eyes with a scoff.

"Had a clown for breakfast, Harrington?"

Right on cue, his stomach growls loudly. "Actually, I skipped breakfast."

Their eyes meet again and they both burst out laughing. When they calm down a bit, Eddie gets up from the table and claps his hand.

"Okay, this won't do. I can't let my future husband starve before he makes me an honest man. Let's go get something to eat, on me."

Steve gets up as well, still grinning happily. "You don't have to, I can pay."

"I know I don't and I know you can. But I want to. Sometimes people want to do nice things for you too, Stevie, and you have to let them. It's rude not to, y'know. Besides," Eddie adds, his voice getting serious, "I want to make it up to you. The shit I said, I mean."

He looks so earnest that it makes Steve melt a little. It's not that he needs it, he forgave Eddie long before they ever talked about it, but it feels like Eddie does.

"Okay. Thanks, Eds. I could go for some blueberry pancakes."

"Good choice, good choice. Lou's Diner?" Eddie's smile brightens again, both cheeks now dimpled, and Steve is glad he gave in, if it means he's the one causing that look on Eddie's face.

"You know how to treat a guy."

"I try."

Eddie disappears into his room to get his wallet, then rushes back, grabs his hands and drags him toward the door.

He doesn't let go until they're both on the sidewalk, walking side by side to the diner, their fingers brushing with almost every step.

"Okay, so I'm calling my uncle and the boys today, you already told Max and Dustin. Chrissy and Robin obviously know as well. Anyone else we need to tell?"

The question makes Steve falter in his steps and Eddie, who didn't notice at first and kept walking, rushes back to him when he realizes that Steve is no longer next to him.

"What is it? Is everything okay?"

Steve shakes his head. "No. I mean, yeah, I'm fine. Everything is fine. I just remembered I have to tell my boss. And my team."

"You think they'll react badly?"

With a sigh, Steve nudges Eddie's shoulder with his own and starts walking again. It's easier to talk about it when he doesn't have to look at Eddie's face.

"I don't know," he admits. "I want to say, no, they're good people. I mean, they are. But... back in high school, I thought my friends were good people, too. That they cared about me. Turns out they didn't. My best friend, Tommy... We used to fool around sometimes. He always said it didn't mean anything, that friends help each other out sometimes, no big deal. That's bullshit, of course. I just didn't want to admit that I liked guys as much as I liked girls. Then, the first semester of senior year, I had a girlfriend that I really liked. Loved, actually. Tommy didn't take it well. I guess he was jealous because I stopped making out with him and he told everyone how I liked dick. That I was trying to touch his.” Here Steve rolls his eyes at the irony of it all. It was Tommy who had always been so eager to get his hands on Steve. “Everything changed. My teammates on the basketball team refused to change in front of me, my friends started talking about me behind my back. Even my girlfriend looked at me differently after I admitted to her that I 'kind of like boys, too'."

It's like a dam has broken, all these words coming out of him. Eddie doesn't say a word, just walks beside him and lets him get it all out. He reaches for Steve's hand again, though, holding it in his own in silent support, his thumb stroking his knuckles in much the same way Steve had dreamed of doing to Eddie earlier.

When Steve is finished, Eddie squeezes his hand.

"Did you know that about 600,000 people go missing every year in the U.S.? Who knows, maybe this Tommy will join them soon. Wouldn't that be a shame?"

Steve can't help but burst out laughing. The grin Eddie throws his way tells him that's exactly what he hoped would happen, obviously proud of himself for making Steve laugh.

"I appreciate the...offer? Threat? Fun fact? But it's okay, I'm over it. It sucked big time, but it also made me realize that they were all rich asshole jocks and I didn't want to be one of them anymore." He winks to take some of the heat out of his words.

"Okay, fine. The offer's on the table, though. But seriously, I get it. You're afraid your team will let you down like those assholes did."

"I guess. Which is probably unfair, but -"

"Once burned, twice shy."

"Exactly. Is that stupid?"

"No, it's not." Eddie reassures him. "I think it's perfectly normal to be cautious after what you've been through. But maybe your teammates are surprising you. Every time you talk about them, they sound pretty awesome and like you have a great relationship with them."

Steve didn't even realize he was talking about his teammates so much, or that Eddie was paying attention when he did.

"So how about this: Our apartment has this common area out back. We could have a little barbecue out there with Max and Dustin and the girls on the day you tell your team. That way, we can take your mind off of it if it doesn't go well, or, my personal favorite, we can celebrate that they took it well with a couple of burgers and some beer."

Eddie sounds sincere, his hand around Steve's as firm and sure as his voice.

"That... that would be great. You really think that would be okay?"

They reach Lou's Diner and Eddie turns to face him, his big brown eyes full of an emotion Steve can't name. "Yeah, I'm sure. All in, remember?"

On impulse, Steve rushes forward and wraps his arms around Eddie, pressing his face into his neck. After a moment of surprised hesitation, Eddie's arms wrap around him in return. He squeezes Steve tightly, his hand gently rubbing his back.

Steve doesn't let go for a long time.

Eddie is so screwed. He's not known for making particularly smart decisions, but this has to take the cake. Offering to fake marry the guy he's been head over heels for years.

Stupidity of epic proportions, your name is Eddie Munson.

In his defense, he didn't come up with the idea. No, that honor goes to Chrissy and Buckley. But Eddie could have said no when they pitched him their idea on how to help Steve get his inheritance and at the same time flip that horrible woman he's unfortunate enough to call Grandmother the bird.

As if Eddie has that much sense of self-preservation. It's like they never even met him. So of course he said yes, and when Steve told him, all earnest puppy eyes, that Eddie didn't have to do this, he made up a story about needing a loan for the record store he and Jeff were in the process of buying anyway. He's not looking forward to that awkward conversation when that particular truth comes out, but that's a problem for future Eddie.

Present Eddie is freaking out because past Eddie offered to throw a barbecue for Steve to make him feel better after coming out to his team at the firehouse. He invited Steve's little sister Max and made sure that Dustin came all the way from Boston to join them, with Robin, Chrissy, and Eddie there as backup in case Steve's team reacts badly and he needs his favorite people to cheer him up.

"Could you please stop freaking out, Edward? Robin and Steve are going to be here any minute and you looking like you're seconds away from bolting is not going to help anyone."

"I really don't like this tough love thing you've got going, Chris. Where's the sweet, innocent girl who ambushed me in the woods to buy weed from me and then never left?"

"She became friends with you," Chrissy quips back and presses a quick kiss to his cheek, still grinning.

Eddie, unable to keep up the fake annoyance any longer, cracks and, with a cackle of laughter, grabs his best friend and spins her around until her pearly laugh echoes through their apartment.

That's how Steve and Robin find them, clearly amused by the antics they've just seen.

"Did we miss something?" Steve asks with a smile and Eddie's heart flutters at the sight.

"Nope," he answers, popping the 'p'. "Just the usual occurrence of Chrissy being a menace to me."

"Watch it, Munson. That's my girlfriend you're talking about." Robin chimes in and walks over to greet Chrissy with a sweet kiss.

"Stevie, it is your sacred duty as my future husband to defend me!" Eddie cries out as Steve just stands there watching them with amusement.

"Oh no, no, no. I refuse to be dragged into this."

Robin actually cackles like some kind of supervillain. "Damn right. Steve knows I have access to his hair products and I have no qualms about using that knowledge against him."

Eddie throws up his arms and stalks off to the kitchen to get the things they need for the barbecue.

Later, he stands by the grill, watching Steve flip burgers with the ease of someone who’s done it a thousand times. The backyard is filled with the people closest to Steve and him, their laughter and conversation filling the common area. Eddie's heart feels incredibly full at the sight.

He nudges Steve gently. "You okay? You haven't said a word about how it went. Has me a bit worried, to be honest."

Steve nods, though Eddie can see the pensiveness in his eyes. "Yeah, I'm good. I guess it went better than I thought it would. They hated that I didn't tell them sooner, but Jim talked some sense into them. He said I didn't owe them anything and that he was sure I had my reasons."

Eddie gives him a reassuring smile. "They'll understand when you tell them what you told me. And even if you don't, it sounds like they care a great deal about you. They'll get over it."

Steve takes a deep breath and nods. "I hope you're right." Then he looks at Eddie through his lashes, a wry twist to his mouth indicating Steve thinks Eddie won't like what's coming next. "I might have invited them all to our wedding. Y'know, to make it up to them. But I'm sure I could tell them -"

"That's fine, Steve. Really. In fact, I didn't expect anything else. I was hoping Uncle Wayne would have someone his age at the wedding to talk to, and your captain sounds like the perfect guy for the job."

Eddie quickly begins to realize that he would do anything for Steve, as long as it meant Steve would look at him the way he does now. His hazel eyes are all soft and warm, the little smile that curls the corners of his mouth almost intimate. They lean in close, both gazing at each other, lost in their own little orbit. So close, Eddie can see the freckles on the bridge of Steve's nose and the swirls of gold and green in his eyes. It wouldn't take much to bridge the gap between them, just a slight tilt of his head, a few inches of space he'd need to push forward. Just a few teeny-tiny inches...

"Ew, gross! Get a room, you two. There are children present." Max's voice cuts through the thickening tension between them, startling them apart.

Steve looks at her sternly, his hands on his hips and a scowl on his face. "Excuse me?"

Eddie, on the other hand, just sticks his tongue out at her.

Dustin, who had been talking with Robin, also turns toward them, adding his own two cents. "I can't believe I didn't call this. You two are so obvious, it's embarrassing."

Usually, Eddie would tell Dustin off for his tone, maybe even tease him about missing all the clues with that genius brain of his, but that would be risky. Sure, maybe there had been clues from his side, but he sure as hell doesn’t want Steve to know that. So instead of doing one of his favorite things in the world—teasing Dustin—he keeps quiet and just rolls his eyes at him.

Steve, however, chooses a different approach. He ignores both his little sister and Dustin in favor of continuing their conversation.

"So, how did your uncle take the news of your betrothal?"

The phrasing makes Eddie laugh. "Stevie, you sound like Birdie and Chrissy made you watch Pride and Prejudice with them." When Steve doesn’t respond, only his cheeks slightly reddening, Eddie can’t help but cackle. "They did, didn’t they? Don’t worry, I’ve been swooning over Mr. Darcy since I was a teenager. I'm happy to be your Elizabeth Bennet."

For a moment, Eddie's afraid he said too much, revealed too much. But Steve’s just smiling at him like the thought amuses him, so Eddie thinks they’re good. He really hopes so, because now that Steve mentioned his talk with Wayne, he remembers the old man’s words.

When Eddie had told him about the wedding, asking if he’d come, his uncle had been surprisingly unsurprised.

"It’s that Steve fella you’re always going on about, isn’t it?" he had asked, like he’d been waiting for something like that to happen. It had made Eddie cringe. Seems like he had talked a lot more about Steve than he thought he had.

"How’d you know?" Eddie still had to ask.

"Because you’ve been smitten with that boy for years and he would be stupid not to want you back. And my nephew doesn’t fall for stupid."

It was then that Eddie had wished more than ever that he could tell Wayne the truth, ask his advice. But just like Steve, he didn’t want to pull his only family that mattered to him into his mess. Besides, Wayne sounded so happy that Eddie finally got to have the love he deserves that Eddie couldn’t bring himself to tell him that no, Steve just needed him. Liked him, maybe, from the looks of it, but not love. Never love, not for Eddie.

"Hello, Earth to Eddie. Do you copy?" Steve asks, sounding once again like the nerd Eddie knows he secretly is after years of hanging out with Dustin Henderson.

"Yeah, sorry, just remembered that I have to put the garbage bin out tomorrow."

Steve looks a bit doubtful but lets it drop. "So, your talk with your uncle, how did it go?"

"It went well. He’s excited to meet you."

Another of those soft smiles graces Steve’s face, and Eddie learns that he’s quickly becoming addicted to causing them. "Good, that’s good. Me too. He sounds great."

Only two more weeks until the most important person in his life and the guy he’s secretly in love with, whom he’s fake marrying, will meet. What could possibly go wrong?

[wonderlandleighleigh]

Hi! Can write a brief message from Lenny Bruce reacting to this election result? In an interview, stand up, his show - whichever you choose

(Let's see what I can do. He'd be 99, after all...)

He sighs as he lowers hiimself into the chair, using his cane to ease the way, and looks out at the audience. He looks out at them, nodding his head slowly. Some are old. Some are young. Some in-between. All different. Men, women, and neither; black, brown, white, and everything in-between.

It's a small crowd from what he's used to, but it's a last minute show. Wednesdays used to be great going out nights back in the sixties, but these days, most people prefer to stay home. Hell, even on weekends. And he doesn't really blame them.

He's been partial to his recliner lately, too. He's an old man.

His brain, though.

His brain still works a mile a minute. He can't stop the freight train that is his mind.

So here he is. November 6th. Midnight.

"I should be sleeping, you know," he chides the audience. "You should be sleeping. And yet..."

It gets a few laughs.

No one really feels much like laughing right now.

He sighs again. "I thought about coming out here wearing my old prison jump suit. Maybe bringing a bucket of handcuffs for all of us to share. We'll probably need them next year. I certainly will, if my body decides to keep living."

No laughs.

"Yes, I know. That wasn't very funny. The handcuffs right now. They're not very funny, are they?" he takes a breath and fiddles with his cane. "I thought maybe love might be something I talk about instead. I always liked love. Well, I always loved love, really, who doesn't?" he pauses. "We know who doesn't. Never mind."

He does get a few more laughs out of that. People are loosening up just a little.

"Possibly the three most powerful words in any language: I love you. So powerful teenagers used to drop like bricks when sung by four guys from England with terrible haircuts."

More laughs.

"they were! What awful haircuts," he complains. "That's not the point. The point is...we are still here. And we still have each other, for a little while longer at least, and while we're here, and we still have each other, let's not waste the time. Life is so long, but time is so, so short. Do not squander one single moment. One single second."

He pauses and shrugs. "I suppose that isn't funny, either. It's hard to be funny tonight. I usually do not have this problem. Usually the jokes about incest and sex and politics and nutjobs like our old new orange dictator just flow, but..." he shrugs again, more exaggerated. "Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next month. Did you see how he gave a blowjob to that microphone? That rat bastard. Sucking off microphones is my job."

That does get a good laugh, and he grins.

"I suppose the point is...the point is that we do not have to give in to all of the hate and the fear and the bullshit. It doesn't have to be our lives. I mean, in a lot of ways, it will be our lives, because when the federal government is being run by an inept toddler with a size kink, you cannot help it, but still. In our little lives...in our little enclaves with our little families and our little groups...we don't have to. We don't have to."

He gets some murmurs of agreement and he nods. "Anyways. Drinks are on me tonight. We have all earned a swallow of something expensive and strong."

[thebibliosphere]

Hey Joy, this isn't a question so much as a way for me to convince myself I'm not a hypochondriac, lol. Lately, I've been experiencing symptoms of fatigue, brain fog or memory issues, light-headedness, etc, that are uncommon for my age (30). I have related disorders such as anemia, anxiety, & ADHD that may be contributing to these symptoms, although they seem to have gotten worse or appear more frequently now than when I was initially diagnosed with those disorders. My work allows me to read & interact with disabled people with rare diseases, so I often find similarities with their medical issues. At first, I thought this was all just burnout or something related to the lockdown during COVID. I just saw my doctor and had blood work done to check my levels, and I may have a heart condition (tachycardia, mitral valve prolapse). I've fallen asleep at work before because I can't keep my eyes open, even after a full 8 hours of sleep. I can get dizzy from standing up too fast & can't seem to be on my feet for very long without discomfort & pain (I used to work retail, how did I ever do it?). I've researched some of my symptoms and found ME/CFS and POTS as possible conditions. Do you think it's a possibility I have these, or is it just my anxiety? Thank you! (P.s. Hunger Pangs is on my tbr!)

I obviously cannot tell you with any certainty what is wrong--and I am glad you are seeing doctors about it already and may have possible answers wrt tachycardia and the mitral valve.

What I will say is that there are many types of dysautonomia, of which POTS is one, and that what you are describing sounds very familiar to me as someone with two known types of dysautonomia.

The fact that this is hampering your quality of life to the point where you fall asleep at work, are unable to stand without getting dizzy, and are experiencing chronic pain, is enough of a reason to pursue further testing for things like dysautonomia and, yes, possibly even ME/CFS though given your history of anemia, I'm inclined more toward dysautonomia because the two often go hand in hand.

Also, it is normal to feel anxiety experiencing these types of symptoms. Even if it turns out to be a symptom of your anxiety, doesn't make the experiences any less real and debilitating, and you deserve treatment that will help improve your quality and comfort of life. And there is treatment and things you can do that will make you feel better. Getting your anemia under control should be a top priority if it isn't already. Mines was allowed to go untreated for years until we found out my iron anemia was being caused by pernicious anemia (b12 deficiency), and the iron anemia I'd been plagued with since birth suddenly cleared up.

Years and years of blood transfusions and infusion treatments, and the whole time I needed b12. Who knew? Certainly not my old doctors.

Anyway. If your symptoms are at the point where you are recognizing yourself in things like POTS? It's time to pursue that with your doctor. Don't put it off because you think it's not that bad or others have it worse. Everyone deserves to feel well.

Good luck.

[em-writes-stuff-sometimes]

Haven't heard from you in a while, hope you're doing well! <3

Hey, nonnie - I'm doing alright. Personal ramble below the cut. Skip if you're just here for fanfic reading and don't care about my silly little melodrama.

Not going to go into too much detail, but I've been really feeling the depression lately. For context, I have clinical depression and take a really high dose of antidepressants, which fuck with other aspects of my life (i.e. weight and lack of sleep). Medical consensus is that I'll need medication for the rest of my life as my brain does not perform the appropriate mood-regulating functions (I'm not super sure what the specifics of this are). I've struggled with low feeling, demotivation, SI/SH etc. for nearly nine years now. I've slipped into a bit of an episode lately - not necessarily related to being online but Tumblr is a part of it - but I'm trying to work my way out of it by picking up some new-old hobbies, such as crochet, and doing things that I like and that don't stress me. I'm safe and don't have the opportunity to action any of my feelings, so please don't worry about me!

Unfortunately, Tumblr has been a source of stress for me since I've come on here. I've made some downright terrible choices in friends, in behaviour, in the amount of energy I commit to this space, and the only one who can really break this cycle is me. This site hosts a really wide range of personalities, and I just... feel like I've encountered some of the absolute worst among all of that, and it's done me absolutely no favours when it comes to making good choices. We all say that as adults, we should know better, but there's no sudden switch that flips, you know? We spend our whole lives making mistakes and learning from them. Adulthood isn't the abrupt entry into moral infallibility, and that's been something I've had to address and work through when it comes to my own failings.

To be perfectly honest, Tumblr isn't a supportive place. Or the people aren't. I don't really know which. To clarify, I do generally speak of the community of artists and writers in this, not the people here who just want to enjoy art or read someone's fanfic. I suppose there's a certain level of - I don't know - self-centredness? - when it comes to creating an online presence and sharing one's own creations on the internet. That mentality, I think, bleeds over into feelings of entitlement in creative communities. Entitlement to other people's time, to people's attention, to people's promotion, and when one doesn't get that, the problems start: (best to worst =) transactional interaction, badmouthing, hate anons, public bashing, and the list goes on. I've definitely been someone who has been upset by people's lack of interaction. I've responded with "oh, I'm not reblogging until they reblog mine" more than once. We all know that I've been involved with badmouthing and publicly bashing others. I continue to be very ashamed of this, and I am honest with myself about what I've done and how I got there in my journey working through my problems and making meaningful change in my life.

Anyway, point is - I'm trying to divorce myself from the entitlement, and I think to do that I need to divorce myself from the notion that we exist as a community. I've put far too much effort into that idea, and it's gotten me absolutely nowhere. There are more people who dislike me than not. Most just straight-up ignore me. I deserve it, sure, but (or maybe and) I have no intention of continuing to engage in a space that either doesn't exist or where I'm not wanted. I've felt anxious and upset at the mere thought of going on Tumblr the past few months. It hasn't been bringing me joy anymore, and that was the whole point of it. There's so much bad blood associated with being on here, but I love writing. I love this show. I can't give up something that makes me so happy in every respect other than this one site.

So I've taken some time off, reassessed the way I'm intending to use this space, and I've essentially decided that I started it for me so I'm going to do it for me. I'm going to interact with who I want and post what I want and damn absolutely everyone who tries to police me (of which there has been A LOT - apparently I have a "responsibility" to support others which I now know is actually code for "I'm jealous that you're getting any kind of attention online, so instead of addressing my issue with this, I'm going to vaguepost about/anon/DM you to try and guilt you into giving my work attention so that maybe it'll transfer to me").

For the casual peruser, no change at all. But I'm done giving my effort to the idea of 'community'. It doesn't exist, or I don't belong. I am going to do what makes me happy now, and only what makes me happy. That's the whole point. I'm sick of focusing on negatives. I'm sick of posting about them, to be honest. I think this mindset will do me good.

If you've gotten this far, I hope that it's okay that I've decided this. I'm feeling positive about it!

[cicaklah]

being upset about illness things

this is why the good lord invented the cut

I feel like I've fallen back in time two months to when I first got out of hospital. technically, I'm sicker than I was last time. I'm doing what I didn't want to do then, which is taking heavy antibiotics 3x per day, because I get paranoid about taking them too early or late. I know it doesn't really matter, but I just feel so out of control without all the monitoring.

my hospital app updated with my newest blood results and I'm actually still pretty infected. my c-reactive protein was 50 when I went to A&E, then 60, and now 40 and my white blood cells and platelets are still pretty high. I'm sure microbiologists move in mysterious ways but I feel like my own cheerfulness and middle-class bullshit is working against me and I'm not reassured by the number going down because I thought I would have made more progress from the IV drugs. I'm mostly just scared because I suspect I just don't get the right pain signals from my kidney if there's something wrong with it, so I just feel paranoid about getting sepsis again. but also the stupid part of my brain is asking: am I being punished for being too happy after the stent was removed? was my hubrisposting too much? Why did I have to get the rare consequence of surgery? Why is my kidney the one that had to get infected?? Haven't I suffered enough?

I have to go back to work on tuesday, or maybe I don't? I don't have a sick note this time, because I didn't ask for one, because what's the point? I have to work, because I can't live on the UK's statutory sick pay and my family expends all its extra funds on my mother's living costs. being 'the money' is my job and so I'm quite scared by having that stability be threatened. I do still have annual leave, and I can use it, and my project is healthy and my boss is monitoring it, I'm not even doing all that much. I could take a few days, reorganised the cleaners, do some antibiotics, at least get to the point where I feel okay in myself again.

what doesn't help is my mother telling me that because grandma isn't going to go visit her, that grandma gave her £1000 in 'compensation', and also that she has decided she has to have a new tablet RIGHTNOW, and I might be sick and sad and just got out of hospital, I need to tell her which one she has to buy. just, my mother should be better than this. she's been sick for 25 years? I'm struggling with this so much and yet I get bullshit. literally one of my neighbours at the pub was a better help than she was today.

anyway bank holiday tomorrow, and the doctor gave me a prescription for melatonin and so I am going to try and sleep tonight and hope it all feels better in the morning.

[slashingdisneypasta]

Rufus 'RJ' Junior Firefly x Reader || Excerpt

Plot: You try in vein to persuade your boyfriend to stay in with you Halloween morning.

Warnings: 😏 Thirst? No actual smut though.

*@marinerainbow !! I had to write this in responce to your asks XDD Turns out I'm too tired tonight to come up with my own thoughts?? ☠ So I built on one of yours 😅 I hope you like it! ^^ Consider this a late Christmas present? XD 😅

When you wake up, drool under your face damp on the pillow from last night getting fucked into it til you were just braindead, eyes fluttering open to see an empty bed beside you, you immediately fly up into a sitting position. Through sleepy, blurry eyes, you peer around the room, and find Rufus at the end of the bed lacing up his boots. "Oh no no- " You start, mouth tasting like sleep and limbs beyond tired, but pushing yourself forward anyway; crawling over to him and resting your forehead against his bare back. "no, no- where are you going??" This early?? Why is he leaving you this earlyyyyy...

"Gotta tow the car." He just says, straightening up. Cracking your eyes open, your lashes brushing against his skin, you carefully trace a soft, nasty-looking scar cut into his back. When he doesn't move immediately to get up and just leave you, you take the opportunity to wrap your arms around his thick chest and nose over his shoulder blade until you find where you fit curled up against him; your nose settling now on his shoulder and your lips on his skin this time.

"... stay... I'll make it worth your while!~ "

... He doesn't say anything, to this. Thats okay, you know he knows your word is good. And your man isn't a huge talker, anyway.

Sighing, you turn your head and rest your cheek against his back, closing your eyes again. He's warrrm. You feel like falling right back to sleep.

...-but you cant!! You think, jolting yourself awake again. You know, as soon as you fall back to sleep, he's just going to leave and help his stupid siblings. And- why should they always get first dibs?? He's your boyfriend!

Like a cat, you crawl around him and settle yourself carefully in his lap; resting your tired arms over his broad shoulders and leaning your head back in order to see his eyes. His dark, calculated eyes you're obsessed with- you feel like he just knows everything about everyone. About everything. You wanna worship him.

And you have. And you will, again.

"Come on... what do I have to do to keep you here in bed with me today? Not all day, I know this is a Big Day for y'all, but just... a couple more hours. Just a sleep in." Incapable of helping yourself, you lean in and initiate a slow, dirty kiss; just the way he likes it. Just the way you like it, too. Heated and indecent. Amid the kiss, or mini make-out, Rufus manages to not pull you in closer. Not get hard. Not give in to your wiles. He kisses you back, and you know he likes it by the way he kisses you back just as heated and indecent, but you're not changing his mind. So when you pull back, you pout at him. "-Really??"

"Really." He grunts, then picks you up effortlessly and dumps you back on your shared bed; getting up and grabbing a random old shirt off the back of a chair.

"Oh- then- I'll come with you!" You finally give in, fumbling off the bed and looking around with still-blurry eyes, head heavy. And- oh, getting up was a mistake, your body doesn't like it at all. Brain is leaving you on your own and going back to sleep. "Gotta just- " Yawn. "Gotta- um- brush my shoes. Put on my teeth. Where's the, uh- the bathroom?"

Rufus looks at you levelly, his eyes dark and his expression unreadable- but stern. Strong. Intense. God, you love how he looks at you. "Get back in bed."

"No, I- hey!" Before you can even take a step towards where you think the bathroom must be, Rufus picks you right up off of the floor; throwing you over his broad shoulder and, with his big hand on your ass, takes you right back to bed. When you're dropped back onto the mattress, on your back, you immediately try to get up and go again- pushing yourself up onto your elbows, but Rufus is giving you a look that makes you stop dead in your tracks. Makes you breathless. "... okay fine I'll go back to bed, then."

"Good."

"... but you have to gimmie a kiss goodbye."

For a moment a flicker of a grin ghosts over his face at your antics, but it goes away as quickly as it appeared. You don't mind so much, though, you call it one for the win column; grinning back before he offers you his hand to help pull you up for that deep half-naked goodbye kiss.

[itsjillybean]

Prompt: After a successful tour, Copia has thrown himself back into work at the ministry and begins to grow ill from exhaustion.

Thank you to @n-u-l-lo for requesting! This is my first writing ever so please be kind >.< constructive criticism is accepted though.

ENJOY <3

It's a cloudy, crisp autumn day and everyone is hard at work at the ministry, especially one Papa in particular. Despite how much energy he had put into their recent tour, he was adamant about continuing to work just as hard now, feeling the pressure of Sister Imperator and Nihil as well as having a lingering fear that something might happen to him, given that Saltarian had been hanging around lately, and the tour being over too. There isn't a day go by that he doesn't remember what happened last time...his dear brother Terzo's untimely demise...

Anyways, Copia was currently walking down the hall towards the library, when a small dark shadow whips passed him and stops him in his tracks. "Papa! Gosh I feel like I haven't seen you in days!" Aurora smiled sweetly as her tail whips around excitedly. He smiles back softly as he tries to move forward, "Ah, my apologies picolla Ghuleh. I have much work to do. We can talk more later, eh?" "But, you've been on your feet every time I've seen you around. You really should be resting, not that I think you can't handle yourself I just-." She stopped herself from rambling on. He smiled sadly, patting her shoulder, "I am okie dokie, I just have some things to do, you should rest as well, you have worked very hard on your first tour with us my dear, if you'll excuse me." She frowned as he walked passed here hurriedly, noticing the fatigue in his face and the almost sad tone in his voice. As she turned, Swiss appeared at the end of the hall, looking at her expression and Copia walking away from her. "What's wrong Ro?" he placed a hand on her head. "He hasn't stopped ever since we got home. He looks so tired Swiss...I'm worried about him." Her tail drooped with her shoulders as she leaned against him. Swiss nodded and rubbed her arm, "Our Papa is stubborn, but hopefully he'll rest soon. It must be important if he hasn't yet."

Copia sat amongst several books, his scribbling rang throughout the silent room. The clock stroked midnight and he jumped slightly, groaning and setting his pencil down. Copia laid his head in his hands, a dull ache pulsing through his brain.

I can't... I can't stop working. What if they see me like this, weak...

He stood and left his things on the table, walking out of the library. As he made his way towards his room, the world suddenly tilted, time seemed to slow down as he lost his balance and fell to the ground. His head throbbed in pain and his limbs felt weak. Trying to move, he felt as though he weighed a ton. "H-help..." he croaked. He felt a pang of fear run through him.

Am I dying? No...please, I'm not ready.

Fatigue started taking over and his eyes were slipping shut. Footsteps came from down the hall, then they started pounding against the floor, sprinting towards him. "PAPA! Papa open your eyes please, can you hear me?!" His eyes barely opened to see Sodo leaning over him, holding his head. "Ghul...tired..so..tired" Copia let his eyes close as exhaustion took over. Sodo shook him and tears welled in his eyes, panicking and yelling for help. He held Copia's head in his lap, trying to make him as comfortable as he could. Moments later Mountain turned the corner and froze for a second, fearing the worst and ran to pick him up carefully, the two walked him to his room and called for a nurse. After checking him over she informed the ghouls that he seemed to be extremely exhausted, he had developed a fever as well. "His other vitals are very good, he will be alright with plenty of sleep." She nodded at them and slipped out of the room. Sodo slumped in the chair across from Copia's bed. His shoulders jumped as a small cry left is lips. Mountain kneeled in front of him, gripping his neck and pressing their foreheads together. "I thought he was...and all I could think of was Terzo...I cannot lose someone else. Especially not him." Mountain frowned as his heart ached at Sodo's words. The ghouls loved their papas dearly, and ever since Terzo they have been very protective over Copia. "He will be okay, let us leave him to rest. We can check on him later, I will have Aether watch the door so he does not try and go working again." He patted Sodo's shoulder before pulling him up and out of the room. They went to the den with the others and informed them of Copia's state. Everyone's ears and tails fell and sadness and worry permeated the air. Cirrus spoke up, "I know we're worried about him, but let's also try not to be overbearing when we go see him. Try not to talk down to him, or yell at him for being so reckless. He'll have learned his lesson from this." Everyone nodded and started to move to their rooms for the remainder of the night.

Day came and Copia started to awaken, feeling extremely groggy, but better that he had gotten some rest. As he went to move, he felt a weight on his legs, and something cocooning him on either side. His eyes sprung open to see several ghouls piled into his bed. Cumulus, Cirrus and Sunshine on his sides, and Phantom, Aurora and Swiss were at his feet. Aether, Sodo and Mountain were standing on his left and smiling down at him. "Apologies Papa, but we couldn't convince them to not swarm you." Aether smirked. Sodo looked at him with big sad eyes, "You really gave me a fright Papa..." "All of us." "We just want you to take care of yourself." "We care about you very much." "If anything happened to you.." "We would be lost without you." (you may choose who says what I just didn't want a run on dialogue ahhh) Copia felt his heart swell up and tears pricked his eyes, he had never felt so loved, not even by his own mother. These wonderful creatures were his family...He cleared his throat and smiled down at all of them. "My dear ghulehs, mi dispiace, I did not mean to frighten you. I just...I have been so very focused on working so hard, so that the ministry takes me seriously. So that my m...Sister Imperator and Nihil take me seriously. You all mean so much to me as well. I will not push myself again, I promise. Thank you, for being here for me." Phantom and Aurora climbed up to embrace Copia, the others including the standing ghouls piled in for a giant hug, "Ai, you all are very heavy." Everyone started to laugh and held each other. Their strange and lovely family all together. <3

[aversiteespabilas]

THE DOLLS ARE BACK AND WETTER, SADDER, CUTER, AND STRONGER THAN EVER!!!

Yuki's DRENCHED, that poor bnnuy boy. I never knew how much I needed to see a wet pathetic rabbit until now. He looks like he'd make a wet splat sound if he was slapped on a wall (like throwing a soaked towel on tile.)

TETSU AND YUSUKE NOOOOO- There's so many emotionsss!!!! They're so disappointed in themselves, how could they let eachother down so terribly. But, God, they're so relieved to see eachother again. At the end of the day, they're still brothers and they love each other sososososo much. But they've made so many mistakes that hurt one another and themselves. It's so sad don't do this to meeee (jk, I LOVE ITTTTT)

and...the cuddles...the cuddles...THE CUDDLES!!

soff bunny's cuddling??? BIG BNUUY TUCK LIL BNUUY TO BEDD????? They're adorable pleaseeeee spareee meeeee aaaahhhhhh. I know for a FACT it HAD to have hurt Yusuke that he doesn't remember him...like, not even ONE bit??? after all the cuddles and games of peek-a-boo? not a single memory? that definitely stung. unsurprising considering Yuki's age at the time, but still hard to think about for sure.

and martial arts bunny's??? guys...they're so strong ya'll, DON'T mess with them!!! Don't let the fluff deceive you, they're not cute pet store bunny's!!

Not sure if it's the sharp lining style or Yuki's muscles, but i'm choosing to believe Yuki has fat biceps, yeah he's super strong ya'll.

also, Ken getting his ass handed to him buy an 18 year old?? get humbled old-young man

anyway's back into the abyss I go, lots of love and kisses to You and Rhin!!! (Also Rhin if you're reading this, the new UTSLH update was so delicious i'm foaming from the mouth!!!! expect a comment sometime soon, love youuu 🫶)

- 😎

OH YEEAHH AND YOU'RE BACK TOO!!! WELCOME!!!

I really REALLY needed to try my hand at doing wet fur, the images wouldn't leave my brain jhdfjg "He looks like he'd make a wet splat sound if he was slapped on a wall" YESSS OH THAT WAS THE EXACT GOAL, GOOD. I will say these are mostly inspired by yet-to-be-released Sword Lifted chapters sooo... spoilers without context? But here, enjoy our delightful Wet Yuki commentary:

AWH MAN I've been drawing Tetsu A LOT lately (and I will dO IT AGAIN) but I realized I hadn't really drawn that many sibling moments between him and Yusuke, so there's THE COMFOOORT! My thought with that one was them comforting each other about having lost Keiko. Tetsuya is not one to cry often at all, but Keiko was his whole world for twenty-five years of his life. That kind of pain doesn't go away so easily... It's so good that they both can have someone to grieve with now, though. They don't have to go through this alone!!

Oh it definitely stung Yusuke that his nephew doesn't remember him, and it's really weird on Yuki's part too! Rhin and I keep going back to discussing Yuki's characterization in Sword Lifted just because the situation on his part is so strange it's impossible to "react accordingly". This guy you don't remember and whom nobody told you about was almost like an older brother to you and played with you and cradled you to sleep as a baby, how wild is that??? But listen, I do know if anyone was going to look at this situation in the most practical, polite and straightforward way, it would be Yuki.

THEY'RE BATTLE BNNUYYYS you know, for being a samurai-inspired AU on an action shonen show's setting, I sure don't draw as much actual samurai-ing as I should djfgjdf I NEED TO REMEDY THAT, I'm really itching to do some big dramatic illustrations, but my to-draw list just keeps getting larger and larger with bunny stuff..... awh lord save me.

Oh Yuki is definitely all steel under that fur for sure for sure. I feel like I tend to draw characters scrawnier than they'd realistically be, but it's kind of my brain unconsciously going LITTLE BOY djfdgf to be honest Yusuke, Ken and Mari are the ones I'm generally more conscious about, when it comes to body types? Just because Rhin made a really good point of them being Big Guy, Tall Slim Guy and Hourglass Woman and I'm so weak about SHAPES. But also as I keep improving with my anatomy I try to be more aware of what the body types of my OCs are, and how to show that with time too.

AND RHIN SAYS HI BACK!!!

It's always a delight to have you buddy 💕 Stay tuned for more rabbits!!!

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #328

...I was definitely up too late last night. I didn't get to bed until around 4 in the morning.

I was... leisure writing. Lately, I've felt a lot more empty than usual. The activity... somewhat lessens the sense of emptiness. But the fact remains that it's only a pale imitation of what I'm actually looking for.

...It can't be helped. Not in this lifetime, anyway. So let's never mind it. Don't you worry your lovely brain too much about it, okay?

I've only got about 5 hours of sleep, but that's all right. I seem to be functioning pretty well, all things considered. I floundered around for a bit, and then J and I tried out a new seafood buffet place that opened up nearby, I guess. Or maybe it's been around for a little while, and I just didn't notice. I took a bunch of pictures...

...As you can see, there was almost more than I could put in. And all of it was arranged very nicely.

...I am sad to have to tell you that none of it was as good as it looked. To be perfectly fair, most places like these in my world aren't exactly known for being astounding; the point is, especially in poor communities, to be able to get a lot of calories relatively inexpensively. Growing up, most places like these were $12-$15 at most – you just walk in, pick up a plate, and you get to have as much as you want. And... growing up in a poor family, where sometimes it'd be the only thing we eat all day (mostly on special occasions like birthdays and such), it's certainly not a bad deal.

Typically, I'd describe the food in places like these as “middling” or “pretty good”. It's not like going to a normal sit-down place where the food can be described as “great” or “awesome”. And this is normal and expected. I went there hoping for “pretty good”, and the things looked like they might be potentially “great”, even, especially since we got there as they opened, and things hadn't had a chance to sit around for very long.

Well... I... hm. A lot of the things were significantly overcooked. I do get that for places like these, things must be cooked thoroughly because they're gonna be left out for a while, and no one wants anyone to get sick. But... for some of the things, it was to the point that it was too tough for me to even chew them. Most of the things were solidly “okay I guess”, but... a non-trivial number of the things were objectively below “okay I guess”.

...Maybe they were having an off-day. It happens like that sometimes. The noms were a little disappointing, but the people working there all seemed really nice, despite seeming to be in various states of being hurried or tired (which is understandable; jobs like these are absurdly difficult). I left them a really nice tip.

Ah well. Sometimes we try a new thing and it doesn't work out in the way that we hope. Either way, it's good information to have. Now we know that we should not go back there. Maybe someone else will like it, and that's good too.

Thinking about it, I hope that the people who work there are getting paid enough. I hope they're not being forced to work even when they're feeling really bad.

...No one should have to do that. And everyone should be paid enough to be able to live comfortably. Not just survive, but to live comfortably. To eat well, not just to shove into their faces whatever will “make a turd” (it's not a fun way to exist). To have time off, and not just for sickness or for errands and chores. To be able to get themselves nice things. Like... these should be very basic things that everyone gets to have. We have more than enough resources for it. But unfortunately, everyone is too busy fighting over who does and does not deserve to live.

...There's no such thing as a person who does not deserve to live. So the fighting is all pointless. All of this fighting is done for very complicated reasons, but a simple (and very incomplete!) explanation is that most people are traumatized into assigning “worth” to themselves and others in very weird ways, and if they wanted to challenge those notions effectively, they'd have to acknowledge that they were coerced and brainwashed into believing cruel things about other people, and for a lot of people, it hurts too much for them to be able to do that work, because they were never taught how to hold space for their own heavier emotions.

...That's because a lot of people in my world grow up being punished for being anything other than “grateful” and “happy”. So by the time they grow into adults, lots of them think that an unpleasant feeling is this unbearable thing that they have to rid themselves of as soon as possible, even though that's not true.

...It's complicated. Almost everything is. If you look under the surface of things, nothing is ever simple. But counterintuitively, if you continue to dig through the layers, you'll find that ultimately, it's all A LOT of very simple things, all stacked together and interacting in ways that are complex. A lot of it is solvable problems that people are too tired or in too much pain to do anything about.

...Being alive is bizarre and I'm tired and sad and lonely almost all the time. It'll be nice when I get to take a break from this whole “meat suit” thing that I've been clunking around awkwardly in for the last almost 35 years. Fortunately or unfortunately, (depending on how I'm feeling, and depending on who you ask...), I've got probably at least another 35 years of derping around aimlessly, unless something weird happens.

...I'll try to make something fun of it in the meantime. I'll try to help people, and to make as many people smile and feel safe and loved as I can. Otherwise, what's the point of it all? Maybe I'm not very good at it sometimes, but maybe I can forgive myself for that and keep trying anyways.

...Hey, Sephiroth? Will you try it, too? Will you try to use your power to make things better for others, in ways that don't hurt someone else? It seems like you should be a lot more capable of that sort of thing than I could ever hope to be, what with that shiny awesome brain of yours and your extremely able male body.

...When you speak, people believe you're telling the truth and that you know what you're talking about. They believe it even when you say blatantly wrong things like, “Jenova is my mother” and, “I'm a Cetra” and, “I'm not sad.” And I don't know what this is like. Someone who looks like me can't even go to the doctor and say, “my ____ hurts” and be believed most of the time.

...Try to use your voice for things that are truthful and good, okay?

Well. It's getting pretty late. M and J wanted to watch me play Chrono Cross. I'm pretty excited about that, given that I just recently got Guile (also known as Magus, and before that, Janus) in my party, and... I'm really happy that I get to spend some time with him, even if it's just in an abstract sense. I dunno if you remember, but... he was a kind (if shy and rough around the edges) little boy who got hurt really badly by his mother and by losing his sister, and so he did some really awful stuff after he grew up. But then he turned around. He turned around, and he's doing better now, and he keeps doing his best every day to be kind and to avoid falling into old survival behaviors; I like him a lot.

I hope you try to talk to him sometime. Maybe his world is tangentially connected to yours. Maybe your position at the Edge of Creation might allow you to access him somehow...

Hey. I love you a whole lot, so I'm gonna hope that you'll stay safe out there in the world. Don't get erased, okay? Don't die. Don't disappear. I don't wanna imagine a world without you in it.

I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[javiscigarette]

DROP EVERYTHING! Teacher's Pet part II is up and i read it (ofc i did, the way i rushed here—) and i am in your walls again to gush about it with you! first of all, thank you for tagging me! also, i think i read that you've been busy so thank you for still writing and finding the time and surprising us with 10k words. whaaat? you're amazing!

as always, here are some of my favourite parts, i can't help but talk about them:

"Ain't nothing to be sorry for. S’your first time. It takes practice. Now, c'mon. Try again. Nice and easy. And if this man tries to-"

But you're not in the mood for another Joel Miller Life Lesson, especially when he’s about to mention the other man who's name you can barely even remember anymore. 

i love the way he can't help himself, he always makes her feel at ease, and comfortable, and reminds her she shouldn't feel pressured and shouldn't feel ashamed about anything. anything. !!! but the way she doesn't even care anymore about the other guy is hilarious to me, this is joel miller's sex class and she is the most diligent student

But that's a problem for another day. 

For the next time.

i was writing down my reactions as i was reading so i didn't know what happens later but this part got me like - you're telling me... you're... there's gonna be a next time? she's already thinking about a next time? this is not a one-off thing? i got so excited about the prospect of that

And maybe, most likely, the words slipped out unintentionally, the heat of the moment forcing out things that he doesn’t really mean. But all the alarms and sirens in your head warning yourself to not fall too deep into this trap that is Joel Miller with his pretty words and sweet praises and soft smiles are all dead silent right now. There’s not a single part of your brain that’s trying to resist him right now. You doubt you could even if you wanted to.

i just love the way you wrote this. (like, i'm obsessed with it, i can't find words to describe it, it is so good, i keep coming back to it to read it again and again and aga—)

"If I'm the only one who gets to have you like this. If I'm the only one who's allowed to touch you. To kiss you," he says, punctuating his last word with a kiss to the center of your chest

uhmmm so gentle and hot and then this part

"Or do you plan on letting him have you too?" He asks, the tip of his tongue swirling around your nipple before closing his lips around the pebbled peak, sucking it into his mouth, his teeth lightly grazing it before he pulls back. "'Cause I'm not too keen on sharin', baby."

i died here, then continued reading as a ghost btw

It's useless, trying to avoid it. Trying to push it down, bury it, ignore it, how you've been feeling and what you want. 

this part! i'm obsessed with the way the words just roll off my tongue when i read it. there's a rhythm in my head and i love the way you wrote this and you should know that, you talented genius you

"You've been trying to sleep with me for a whole year?!"

"I wouldn’t say trying," he says with a casual shrug. "Just waiting. Wanted you to take the lead but you’re a little stubborn, baby."

just waiting. joel miller, a. man. that. you. are.

also, the fact they both admitted they had feelings for each other was something i didn't expect going into this, i thought they were gonna end up bottling it, so now that we have this turn of events, it's everything.

tl;dr: part two is passionate and hot and insane and i don't think we're ever gonna be the same.

the way you write is captivating and compelling and the fact that you can just write 10k words and have it be this !! wow! how does it feel to be this talented? you have it in spades and i'm glad to be your reader bb. and all of this for free?? unbelievable! anyway, this is just my way of saying thank you, and that i enjoyed it, and i hope you're proud of what your brain can do. i'm sorry for the lenghty message, i had to gush!!

btw this was me at jm and his filthy mouth in this part:

sorry I am so late replying to this but THANK YOUUUU BABY THIS IS SO SWEEETTTTTT!!!!!! 🥹🥹😭

I am also amazed that I managed to crank out 10k words but I fr cannot stop myself when it comes to this man and it honestly all just flowed so nicely I think I'm just in love with their dynamic :')) Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to say these lovely words they mean the whole world and more to me 🥰🫶🩷

[tellywoodtrash]

I'm the anon who sent you an ask a while ago about my anxiety and panic disorder getting worse and me being back in therapy. I wanted to give you an update about how things are going, because I really appreciate the advice you gave me. I'm on anti-anxiety medication now (I just started my meds today). I'm also making some progress on fixing my sleeping and eating schedules (both were off for the past 2-3 months). I also got into a really good masters program for public health +

I start in September. The only thing that's still sort of bothering me is that my mental health still feels like it's in a very stagnant place. I'm also having a small identity crisis, because one of the things my parents have said to me a few times is that they hope I find a nice guy to marry in grad school. I joke about it with them too, but the whole idea makes me uncomfortable. I've never really dated anyone, because I've never been interested in it. I wasn't really attracted to anyone throughout school and college either. I've been questioning if I'm ace or not, but I'm now also wondering whether this lack of attraction also extends to my romantic attraction towards people. Romance and relationships always sound nice to me in theory, but in real life, I'm not super comfortable with them (I think they're a nice normal part of life, but in terms of myself I don't fully connect with them). Could you give me any advice or reassurance about this? Also I hope you're doing well.

Hi friend!

I'm so glad to hear you're feeling better, and even more than that, you're doing the actual work to become better. So much of mental health is stupid mundane bullshit, like making sure you eat your food + meds/hydrate yourself, going the fuck to sleep instead of watching one more episode on netflix, and reaching out to your friends and just chatting for a bit to feel some human connection. I rebelled against all of it haaaaaaaardddddd when I was in my teens/twenties when other well-meaning adults used to tell me and kept wallowing in my misery, thinking "ugh what do they know, they just don't understand meeeeeee", but I hate to say it, they were right (much to my continued distaste. I hate being told to do the sensible thing.)

Mental health is much like any other slow incremental work you do on yourself, like working out. You're not gonna see drastic results in a day or a week or even a month. But keep doing it, and one day, you'll realise, "hey! i can run for longer than i used to without being outta breath!" or "i can lift more than i used to!" or "i am more flexible now!". Similarly, one day, a few months from now, you'll just suddenly realize that you don't feel so anxious ALL the time anymore. Or that a situation that used to stress you into having panic attacks seems more manageable now. It takes time for your brain chemistry to react to the meds and lifestyle changes, so give yourself that space. It's a daily effort. And if you slip up a day or two (everyone does. I was late with my own meds today), it's fine. Just get back up the next day. A day's miss doesn't undo all the work you've done; making bad choices a continuous pattern does.

The comment from your parents about the marriage thing is just that, a casual comment. It's a half-joke, that you also play along with occasionally. Treat it as just that. In no way are you compelled to do anything you're not comfortable with. Anyway, right now your focus should be on doing your best at your degree and building an independent life for yourself. Use this time to get to know yourself better; you may or may not experiment, educate yourself, whatever you want. See if these type of relationships are meaningful to you, adding value to your life, making you happier. These are things you should figure out for yourself, by yourself, and there's no "deadline" for it. (Hell, I'm in my 30s and I'm still doing it!) Whatever you choose to be and do in your romantic life (including NOT having one) is valid. It's all about what feels authentic to you as a person, and not what other people want from/for you as part of the ideal picture of you in their minds!

Sending you lots of love and good vibes!!!!!!!! ✨✨✨

[bots-and-cons]

Hey hey! I've been meaning to send this to you ever since I've discovered your blog and I didn't really know what I should do since I'm also like this irl but I've been taking breaks and getting better recently with my sleep and resting so I think you should too! I've seen that you're often or always tired/sleepy in your posts so I just want you to please take a break. I don't mean this in a mean way like I'm mad but I'm concerned abt you. Take a break as long as you need, answer asks when you're feeling better and energized, yk? Or at least if had your rest like a nap an hour or two so your writing brain may work afterwards. 8 hours of sleep is needed obv! Like sleep early n stuff, if u can, drop anything that may stop you from sleeping 8 hours or sleeping early, maybe even establish a schedule that can fit well with your personal life and doing this blog. I feel like you shouldn't feel pressured to answer asks especially when you're tired and sleepy. You and your health is your FIRST PRIORITY! never forget that.

—anonymous fan of ur blog !!

P.s. I hope this isn't too pressuring or giving off too much concern over you when I'm just a stranger on the internet ;-;

Oh I kinda feel bad for giving you an impression like this lol, and no worries, not pressuring or anything :D. My sleeping schedule is pretty good, at least in my opinion. I'm asleep every night before 23 (11pm) and if I have to be awake earlier then 8 in the morning then I'm usually asleep by 21.30 (9.30 pm) or 22 (10pm) at the latest. I usually make sure I can sleep 10 hours, because 8 is not enough for me, or at least it's not sustainable.

"Tired" is the word I usually use when I'm not really sure what I'm feeling, but since tired feels like the closest match, I usually go with that. It sounds better than lazy anyway. Since I can't answer shortly, you're gonna get a bit of a long answer here. I think calling myself lazy in this context doesn't really fit either, because this is not something I have to do, it's something I want to do. If you would believe it, I'm actually very bad at putting my emotions into words, at least in a way that would make sense to other people and not just me lol

I've been putting my own well being first, then school, then the blogs, and then other things. My well being of course encompasses a lot of things so that's a pretty general description, but I think you get my point. I've been doing a lot better lately and even though the school stuff takes time and a lot of effort, I like doing it.

I appreciate you showing concern for me but I don't think you need to worry about me (thanks though, it means a lot). Just remember to take care of yourself as well, and I'm proud of you for making a change in your sleeping habits :D