#anyways i needed to vent bc i feel like im losing my mind

[honeysuckle-s]

group project got me questioning my sanity

[phagodyke]

the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍

[kalashtars]

[fujimiiiya]

im always confused about people who harass and bully when its easier to just block users who enjoy ships and taboos they don’t like or are uncomfortable with. i personally take no offense to that. i think its more respectful and safer for everyone. i know it can hurt sometimes but being attacked hurts more smhh

Imo it's useless to try to understand why they prefer to act like jerks to strangers bcs they are, like you said, harasser and bully in their core, while we are not. Another thing is they have too much free time on their hands but not much exciting things happen in their lives so they need smth to do or distract themselves from reality, and what they choose is to be lowlives hiding behind online anonymity bcs it's relatively safe. They won't get real lawsuits for online insults, right? The most they can get is being reported, (if the assaulted even care enough or take them seriously enough) and lose their free account, which they can always make a new one. It's a cowardice act and ppl who actually know better and have better moral grounds than what these harassers always preach about won't do. It's totally not worth to even regard them, ppl who choose to insult real person over fictional characters, that alone makes their logic automatically questionable, bcs there are more important matters out there than defending fictional characters that will nvr say thanks to them anyway.

There's a lot of plausible underlying causes:

1. they could be ppl with lots of RL problems, frustrated, or even oppressed ppl irl who can't act how they really want so they need some kind of outlet to vent and thus they act like some righteous thugs.

2. They try to cover their insecurity, low self-esteem, or inferiority complex by acting aggresive. By harassing others who they think are 'immorals' about fiction, they get some sorta self-validation, satisfaction, no matter how vain and petty it is, that they are the ones who are right and thus superior ones.

When it comes to ship wars, those who are deliberately shitting on the ships or shippers themselves most of the times can actually due to some degree of them being insecure abt their own ships, but they'd try hard to deny it with all their might. If they are confident abt their own faves or ships, they wouldn't focus on characters or ships they hate...or again, they have too much useless free time on their hands.

3. They try to find chances, thinking that by harassing those who like certain ships or the content creators for those ships continuosly, they will be discouraged or prevent others who are about to like the ship to be hesitant to show their love due to the drama, so the ships will look like they are less popular. This, I'm sure, is the case w/ some of popular ships that they deem as "problematic". However, we already know that it actually has reverse psychology effect, as the more we are harassed, the stronger mentality we have and the more we wanna show how valid and loved our ships are by creating more fanworks about them. Because we don't care what they say.

Now don't get me wrong. I do understand why some people dislike certain ships. I'm not trying to invalidate their personal reasons behind them. Fiction can indeed trigger some trauma or bad memories for others. Or you can simply dislike the ship bcs it's lame. I myself have so many landmines and dislikes when it comes to ships, or even tropes within my own ships. But I won't bother focusing on them, let alone spending time to interact w/ the posts I hate. I will just surround myself w/ things I like, with like-minded peeps. That's what makes us different from them.

Tldr; When the antis think it's alright to insult the shippers it's when they are no longer to be taken seriously and engaging w/ them has no point anymore. I think you don't even need to feel hurt about it. We should actually pity them bcs those who are fueled by negativity, must be surrounded by negativity too on daily basis hence that's what they know how to do. Trust me, someone who are surrounded by positivity and love irl, or want it that way, won't deliberately act like pricks or hate others over these trivial matters. It's their pettiness talking. Regardless, they still want you to think they are superior. Pity them and be the bigger person and don't let them drag you to step down to their low level.

[queenburd]

Some people just use them as an easier and more accessible way of communicating tone, and they've mostly fallen out of fashion outside of younger circles. Just let people know tone indicators aren't really your thing, most people you talk to will opt out in that case.

very gently sighs in frustration. puts my head in my hands. anon, Im just gonna vent here, this isn't on you Im just. I was gonna get it off my chest anyway.

I don't like shitting on things that don't hurt people. I try really hard to be of the mindset that if it makes someone happy and it's not doing any harm then I and others should stay in my lane.

I recognize that the vast majority of people who like them are neurodivergent and prefer being able to know how to read things.

but like.... I am also neurodivergent. I grew up in a household that thrived on passive-aggressiveness to the point where it infuriated me and I all but beat it out of the people around me. I straight up was adamant abt clear communication and saying what you mean, and that dancing around stuff and expecting others to understand the hidden meaning is bullshit.

So I shaped how I use language to exemplify this. And yes, I do emote through my voice too, bc I am an expressive person. but my god.

this weird tone abbreviation feels bad for me. what if we just said things in words without needing to add clarifications. what if we used language as it was meant to be used. <- points this comment specifically at people who use passive-aggressiveness and beat around the bush.

what if we lived in a world that didn't need indicators.

we don't live in that world I know that but if i see one more "kys /lh /notsrs" screenshot im going to lose my mind. im going to bite things. that's not a joke. I'll find something to bite.

[lacertae-dreamscape]

feel free to ignore this, i just need to vent a bit?

i wish there was an easy way i could like myself, like. pressing a switch and suddenly im at least ok with the way i look

i wish i was thin and that if i ever lost weight that it would stay gone instead of coming back and doubling down

i wish i felt sexy like so many fat people i see who look gorgeous and visually appealing wearing dresses i would never feel comfortable even thinking about wearing despite how much i want to

i wish i looked androgynous enough too, the only time i ever felt close to that (and i don’t mind my boobs, even if they’re sadly fat and not bouncy nor hot they’re just. flabby fat n flabby like deflated water balloons) was bcs of my last hair cut, but it stopped making me feel like that now even if i redo the hair so that’s also kind of sad

i look at myself and it just feels like i fail everywhere and i wish i could look at my fat body and be ok with it like i am when its other people being fat and looking fabulous but all i see are faults and obnoxious fat rolls that look disgusting, and i wish i had at least the vaguest notion of how to start fixing all of this

i don’t hate myself and i think i used to have an ok face (in specific poses and ignoring the fat) and im already like. i already came a long way since where i was years ago where i dont hate myself, but it also feels like i took only half a step forwards.

it feels also shameful when i really feel like i amount to nothing and all i can be or do is mediocre at best and it feels even more shameful when all i want is to be loved *despite that* with all the baggage. how do u even drop all this baggage when even if i found someone blind enough to like me despite how i look and how my body looks, it would be hard to believe it?

i wish i had found someone sooner bcs the older i get the worse it’s going to be too.

i just. i hate that i try to push all of this down and ignore it and i manage to ignore it on a good day but it still feels like im just ignoring a corpse in my sitting room that i just covered with a carpet.

i hate how its easier to type this than it would be to say it in person to someone (and i woudln’t have anyone to say this to anyway) and i hate how i cant talk to friends about this bcs we’re all full of different problems and this doesn’t have an easy fix. this isnt ‘oh just lose weight its fine’ and then it can happen and it gets fixed. i tried and it didnt fix shit, it just got worse.

[koishua]

hi vienna ,, tbh u dont need to read this bc idk if itd be triggering (body image issues) and id rather u not trouble urself bc of me but id like to vent somewhere and i dont have any1 to talk 2 so pls feel free to ignore .

ive always been overweight for my age but i never faced any bullying abt it other than some very occasion name calling of "fat" in elementary school and my family's disaproval for the way i look. as i grew up, i started to feel more comfortable around others despite not being satisfied with the way i look and i assumed that as kids mature they become more accepting, bc i had never been truly bullied b4 i just assumed it might be rare in communities such as where i lived compared to some of the horror stories i had heard. anyways all my life i had assumed people had been seeing me for more than what i looked like, i always tried to be kind and make a good impression on other but ig that's not true. as much as i love my circle of friends, im not sure i can see them same after what happened on friday. it isnt even their fault, i just feel very insecure now. but basically in 1 of my classes, we had a change in seating so i no longer sat near my friends but 2 acquantainces (they're rlly sweet girls but idk them too well) and this one guy that i also dont know very well other than that in 8th grade he had dated an old friend of mine for a little bit. but anywyas tbh i feel like im just being dramatic but i srsly can't get his conversation out of my mind . the boy was sat next to me and talking to his friend, their convo alr starting off on a wierd note abt kanye west. and the guy next to me (ill call him ray to make it easy) starts off by saying that kanye's note all that bad and has said some pretty true things. ray then goes on to say that fat people dont deserve to exist and body positivity is a completely stupid subject bc it only encourages obesity and unhealthy habits. all the while he's saying this, seated right next to me and im pretty sure he was glancing at me while saying it too . those 90 minutes were the most uncomfortable in my entire life. i was literally panicking while he was talking abt it and it's all that i can think of now. their conversation was truly disturbing to me and my confidence feels as if its completely tanked . his comments of "fat people are gross" and "being fat shouldnt be celebrated" keep ringing in my head everytime i go out or see myself in a mirror. i genuinely feel so broken and it hurts that theyve probably dont realize the effect of their words but also it hurts that that's all they can see me as. not another human being or a classmate but just "fat". idk where im going with this but i dont feel ok and i feel so exhausted now ,, just the thought of having to see ray's face again or hear his voice is scaring me . maybe im just overthinking but i cant help but wonder if my friends picture me the same way. am i even deserving of love if im so "ugly" . my friends sometimes comment that i look way older than my age or that i could pass for college aged and even comments like those are hard to brush off for me. sometimes i wonder if i should restrain my jokes and personality to stay kind bc that's all i am to them. just a source of comfort, and if i dont do that then i could be easily execused. im always scared of saying the wrong thing but now i keep wondering if it would never even matter bc all anyone will ever see me as is "fat" . it's not like i haven't tried to lose weight so i rlly hate everything that ray said and its srsly put me thru sm turmoil . anyways i shld keep this brief (sorry for the rant) and im sorry again for using ur inbox to rant , i rlly hope this doesn't cause you any pain or you find it triggering :( i apologize if it has caused you any concern or pain. i hope ur good and stay happy vie

tw: body image and weight talk

hello, dear :( let me start this off by saying that don't worry, i am perfectly alright and am glad that you feel it's safe enough to vent and write your feelings out in my inbox. you don't have to apologize for anything! i am the one who says that they're open if anyone needs to rant or vent. i would never judge. i had to read this a few times in order to collect my thoughts, so pardon me for delaying this a bit. i wasn't sure if you wanted my direct response, so i will just keep it short.

i won't say that i completely understand what you've been through and i can't speak on experiences i haven't personally lived through. however, as another human being, i will say this: you absolutely deserve to exist. i hope you never ever doubt that. i know how difficult it is to deal with comments about your appearance and it angers me so much that you're treated this way. i get how the side comments every now and then feels. bullying is horrible, but this is just as bad for someone's self esteem and health. im truly so sorry and wish i could do something for you, but i can't because of obvious reasons (that being me being just an online presence and not there with you).

i just want to reassure you that no matter what anyone says, you deserve love and life and goodness. a lot of people don't understand how difficult it is when you don't weigh below a certain number or how isolated that could make someone feel regardless if they're mentioned or not. everyone is so much more than just their appearance. idk how else i could help you other than to strongly remind you that you are you and that should be enough for your friends and that people should learn to keep their mouths shut on their opinions about other people's appearance. it doesn't matter if you lose the weight or if you tell them you struggle a lot with it. those people should reassess the way they're treating another human being with real feelings and thoughts. never lose who you are and trying to be what other people need and want you to be. it may end up making things worse, i know, and im not sure if you've ever told them directly that their words are extremely rude and hurtful and that they should stop, but someone (even if it's not you yourself) really, really should.

i pray that none of what i said has further upset you in any way. if so, i sincerely apologize :( i genuinely hope that this never happens to you again and that you'll have a greater year than ever and that you'll find wholehearted acceptance and love from those you are surrounded by and that you'll slowly but surely feel comfortable in your own skin. take care and you're loved! people like the ray you mentioned are not worth feeling bad over.

[sorieba]

I still don't know shit about letting go

[jichew]

pls do not read if u r not fond of NO CONTEXT ramblings at 3 am 🤠

[notcolleen]

god i have so many thoughts to write about this trip but right now i need to process this before anything else:

[[MORE]]

oregon has always held so much significance to me in terms of recovery bc my time at/after rainrock was the most lasting and most authentic recovery ive ever experienced. i also truly love it here and refuse to tarnish that with the shame of my eating disorder. so with that, i have forced myself to try my hardest every time im here and unfortunately that usually means a lot of getting back on track from relapse or a lot of significant differences in the way i was eating/living at home.

i try to view it as a ‘reset’ to get back on track but tbh i know i probably place too much significance on my time here and it sometimes ends up enabling my behaviors and ultimately making it harder bc i am so black and white in my thinking (so i let things get really bad before coming bc i ‘i’ll do better there’)

and im actually thankful i didn’t have a lot of notice this time bc i couldn’t completely crash and burn beforehand, and was actually trying to make small changes to my routine before bc i was getting sick of myself and i just had a birthday and didn’t want to spend another year like this, but there was definitely still the last couple days of ‘fuck it’ mentality

so this is all to say, on top of work and travel stress, im also just really anxious and Going Through it rn bc im like…trying to force a complete turn around in my recovery over the last couple days and my body is confused and my brain is confused and i feel like this is the timeframe i’d usually be in treatment center venting abt the refeeding process and complaining abt the superficial woes of weight gain and body changes but instead im really just trying to appreciate being here / trying to take advantage of Recovery Food here (abt to write a whole other post on scarcity mindset and a hotel breakfast buffet though bc holy shit im struggling with that) and trying to appreciate being here and exploring while !not! exploring too much and having it become a behavior

and it’s all just really hard

and actually i started this post to say that i am on my lunch break now and it was hard bc only 10 minutes ago a student lifted up my arm and called it flabby and asked me what my marks on my arms are (not the tattoos lol, the stretch marks) and said they looked like her grandmoms arms lmao tried to play it off and explain that bodies change and grow and look different and we should never touch other ppls bodies without permission etc etc but she’s young and i know it was forgotten in 2 seconds while i now have to come and each lunch with it on my mind

and im actually in the process of really working to accept my arms in particular, bc i know it’s something other ppl see; ive gotten comments from other ppl abt my stretchmarks since 4th grade lol. they bear my weight changes more signicantly than other places and my stretchmarks become really visible when i am tan. and the “flabby” is just fact. i could spend my days in the gym and it would still be there. i could lose 372956 lbs and it would be there. my body has been put through so much over the years and i am learning to accept it more and more each day, and i no longer dress to hide these things, but i definitely still have a pit in my stomach every time a kid stares a little too long or asks me to move my arm.

but anyway i will now still eat lunch

and then i will journal in my body acceptance journal that i specifically brought along in my carry on bc i knew this would be difficult and i am ready to try

okay

bye 🤸‍♂️

[swimfuel]

okay humanstuck thoughts under the cut

i owe a lot of this to @/rhythmic-idealist's kankri/vantasposting bc holy shit theyve got such a big brain (ill link to their individual posts when im on desktop since im using this to keep all my thoughts straight and i agree with most of what they say wholeheartedly)

general status quo stuff:

signless works in an extremely demanding career involving helping others (i'm leaning towards an attorney who works with organizations and does pro bono work), and is also extensively involved in social justice work outside of his job... he is very rarely home

he loves and cares for his children deeply and tries to express it whenever they're face to face, but the couch in his cramped and messy office has seen far too much use over the years for him to have been able to say it enough

his habits of working himself to the point of exhaustion are handily passed down to his kids btw

the kids had to grow up quickly because signless was out of the house so often and so consistently—kankri, who was already pretty high-strung, has to learn to take care of himself and karkat

they grow up near ms firuzeh maryam, who's their pseudoaunt/grandma (she took in a nine year old kavana vantas when she was about twenty), but they just call her ms rosa

they spent a lot of time in the maryam house growing up, with miss rosa's two nieces. porrim is a year older than kankri, while kanaya and karkat are the same age

kankri grows kinda sensitive to people trying to mother him since it rubs against the notion that he's the "adult of the house" and that he can take care of himself and karkat just fine

(and it also kinda underlines the fact that kankri has no idea what he's doing at the best of times)

and ironically enough, kankri becomes overbearing and naggy towards karkat in his own right, which forestalls them becoming close in any brotherly sort of way

they grow up really just... unable to communicate with one another clearly

karkat develops his ornery exterior in response to kankri's constant stream of opinions and frantic attempts at making up for the presence of a guardian in the house

i think there would actually be some really interesting parallels with rose in this au.. maybe i'm drawing from my own experiences as well but i think he'd begin to assume that every time his brother opens his mouth, he's going to criticize karkat

but instead of reacting like rose with the "making yourself more of a puzzle"/passive aggressive stuff, he gets a more defensive/hackles raised/"argue with you before you can argue with me" approach

and the thing is that they do love each other and would take a bullet for the other etc etc etc.. but they don't know how to express it because they've fallen into these shitty patterns

and it really doesn't help that kankri has grown somewhat resentful of signless over the years... that mix of resentment and fear and love gets more extreme and more polar every time signless gets injured during a political demonstration

i think kankri and signless would also be slightly closer than karkat and signless, as signless' job really only started to ramp up when karkat was less than years old and kankri was in his early double digits

kankri autistic btw its word of god (i am god)

karkat has a pet crab. its name is also karkat. he vents his frustrations to it.

i feel like the vantases exemplify both the best and worst parts of their aspects with one another as well... the strength of their bonds keeps them together and grounded, but TOO grounded. [insert Blood rant here]

the Blood rant:

i define Blood as bonds, responsibility, and the "core". if Life is the fertile soil and everything living on a planet's surface, then Blood is the gravitational core of the planet keeping everything together

i also think Blood, Heart, & Mind work in tandem to define a person just as blood serves to connect the pieces of the human body... Heart is the soul and the self, Mind is the application of one's self through active choices (agency), while Blood defines both the self and the choices one makes in greater detail [and, as an aside, Life provides the physical spark of life needed to keep the heart pumping blood]

OKAY wow that got tangential anyways

SO BASICALLY! too much Blood makes you stagnate, so for example:

kankri is split between staying home with karkat or going to college across the country and being truly unbound for the first time in years

another crisis of Blood: signless is caught between his empathy and responsibility to the whole world and his responsibility to his own children

okay so here's more status quo stuff:

the maryam and vantas kids grow up together and its hilarious because you'll see them all together and its just like (girlboss) (girlboss) (physical manlet) (emotional manlet)

the maryam girls are actually miss rosa's nieces but she took them in when they were both pretty young

the pyropes know the vantases well enough considering pyrope senior and sign have known one another from their respective legal practices for years, but they live on the other side of town

the leijons lived in town when kankri and meulin were very young, but they moved and travelled for a long time before coming back and reestablishing their roots

the captors (psii being one of sign's oldest and closest friends) move into town with the peixes family pretty early on though

the condesce is.. a horrible spouse and guardian, to put it plainly. she's very emotionally manipulative and isn't averse to smacking people around, including her own family. she moves herself and her perfect little family into town so she can properly oversee a new business venture close by

feferi is one of the best young swimmers in the country and has a pretty good shot of getting onto the olympic team.. a lot of this drive to be perfect and to be better results from the condesce's unrelenting pressure and thinly veiled resentment throughout her whole life

so yeah psii, )(ic, feferi, and sollux all live together and it's really not great for anyone involved. (meenah ran away years ago, and crashed on aranea's couch for a pretty long while—mituna moved out with latula for college before psii and the condesce got married)

it gets bad to the point of sollux staying with the maryams for two months while the adults try to sort out that absolute clusterfuck and get the divorce proceedings going (meenah finally convinces feferi to get out and come stay with her and aranea for the duration as well)

in terms of relationships i think latula and porrim were really really close in high school, and probably had some kind of unacknowledged thing going on for a while that never actually turned into anything because latula and mituna were going steady

kankri has had a crush on latula for years but never acted on it for similar reasons

meenah still carries a lot of that give no fucks attitude (it's developed moreso as a defense mechanism here) and can't understand why feferi refuses to leave the condesce with her

okay back to VANTAS MANPAIN i also think that karkat feels the weight of a lot of expectations on his shoulders as well

he feels responsible to live up to the example his dad and his brother set, even if it's to his own detriment—and kankri's oblivious rambling about his grades and his teachers and all his clubs certainly aren't helping the matter

kankri is one of those overinvolved kids taking a million AP's while simultaneously shitting on the collegeboard at every single step

hes this super overachiever anal retentive perfectionist type dude and (just as karkat preemptively criticizes others to forestall their criticisms of him only to harshly criticize himself) kankri subconsciously holds the people around him to the same expectations he holds for himself

so karkat also develops this sense of lacking which, in combination with everything else, culminates in self loathing and thinking he has to solve everyone else's problems and getting horribly mad at himself for every little mistake

GOD i have a lot more but lemme post this before i accidentally close out of the app and lose it all

more little details:

vriska's mom and terezi's mom HATE each other like HATE HATE HATE one another it's so bad

karkat wrote a ten page review of my immortal in middle school

jade is one of nepeta's best online friends

sollux can't raise one eyebrow at a time.. karkat gives him so much grief about it

the vantases eat a lot of shitty renditions of persian dishes until karkat learns to cook because literally the only person in the world with a CHANCE of getting KANKRI VANTAS to make an EDIBLE DISH is miss rosa

kanaya is really good at persian dance too but is VERY VERY embarassed to perform in front of people.. however porrim definitely is not

karkat has insomnia while kankri just stays up stupidly late for assignments that really shouldnt be taken that seriously.. but they both have the same rumination/sleep anxiety thing where your brain goes insane with horrible and depressing scenarios as you try to sleep

and more ideas that i thought were interesting but idk how to fit in the context of this au:

signless and disciple getting married pretty late in life after having been in love for years, the vantases move in with the leijons and karkat suddenly has two sisters

nepeta and karkat are both juniors at this point, meulin is probably in her third year at a local college nearby while kankri is about to start his second year at a university pretty far away

the kids in general honestly but ill figure it out

more random hcs this time with kids:

kanaya and rose get into a flame war online that gradually settles into elaborate courtship rituals

also nepeta + jade online besties

also bec can inexplicably still teleport

the first sbahj movie comes out and the next six months of dave strider junior's high school career are absolute hell

actually hc that dave senior goes by d strider professionally. the d stands for a lot of things

aradia and dave frequent a lot of the same forums but never end up really interacting

meanwhile karkat and john frequent a lot of the same forums and DEFINITELY end up interacting. this turns into grudging (at least on karkat's part) friendship after they find themselves fighting for their lives defending an objectively shitty movie together on the same thread

[saintqueer]

always ready to clown w/ u 💖 (fr tho i was thinking along the same lines as u on the yt vid being released but i also dont wanna hope so imma remain skeptical as hell

but i hope its true it would be so nice if the music industry got its own lil upheaval but i feel like w/ just rebecca it doesnt seem too likely to happen yk? like she needs more ppl to start speaking out not only that but she needs someone who's internationally known so that it can be the whole music industry nd so that more artists start feeling safer to speak out, safer as in they won't lose their careers their labels won't drop them etc.

if one of the 1d boys did i feel like that would hv a huge impact but the likeliness of that happening are slim to none so its interesting to think abt what the video actually means in terms of if they are in contact w/ her does that mean one of them is gonna speak out? already we know theres an insanely low chance of that for multiple different reasons (likely including but not limited to their contracts)

so does that mean that they are in contact with her in the way that they are helping her w/ this? as in they're convincing more artists to come forward? but i feel like thats risky as hell especially if they're not saying anything themselves bc they could be sending these artists to their doom if not enough ppl come thru or smth yk? so that might as well be ruled out too

or maybe they're in contact w/ her in the way that like they're helping her and other artists that wanna speak out? maybe helping them to figure out how to give them a larger/better voice? but i feel like that would likely fall on PR ppl that they hire

but if one of the 1d boys is in fact in contact w/ her dont u think there could've been a subtler way to tell us? I mean the tweets are already not subtle (the ones by rebecca) but i also understand why that is but its im sorry this is so frustrating and my mind is going a thousand miles an hr and im just so frustrated w/ all this bc none of it makes sense and i feel like there smth happening we dont know abt and i just wanna know and i wanna know if we can do anything to help and i just want them all happy and to be ok and i'll stop talking now

anyway sorry for bothering u - defintly not expecting a reply lol ik u said u didnt wanna talk abt it so i hope its ok i sent this in)

have a good night/day lots of love 💖

helloooo bb!

its totally fine for you come into my inbox and vent/speculate anytime you need. i dont mind at all! i only feel bad when i can't get to everyone (i see you and im sorry!) but always feel free to word vomit, lol

i don't blame you for going back and forth a lot. especially with the idea of the boys speaking out about the mistreatment as it's been very hush hush on their end for many years! however, i dont think its quite as unlikely as many make it seem.

just look at the last year and how much liam has spoken very plainly about the abuse and mistreatment the boys suffered. he has been very candid and it's only been increasing over the last year. we've also seen several other people connected to x factor and syco speak up for the first time over the last 7 months.

a lot of the things cumulatively that have happened over the last year make me think that perhaps several of the boys will speak up, will make a fuss, and do so at the exact right time. i think whatever is going on right now is very strictly planned and has a very particular timeline. and a lot of it might be happening behind the scenes (especially if they are attempting legal action) so we wouldn't know until it all came out (in the wash).

we won't know until we watch it all unfold, hindsight is 20/20. this will all make sense one day when we look back. but i'm gonna try to put some pieces together in the meantime because that's what this fandom is built on: noticing patterns and calling them out even when others say it's a reach or a coincidence. we didn't recognize rbb & sbb for what they were by going on about how "it's probably the sound guy" and "it's just a coincidence they are reading those books"! we got here by calling out weird shit even when we end up wrong.

and, as for me, i choose to believe that louis wouldn't purposefully mislead us with his overwhelming positivity over the last six months.

[xnchxntmxnt]

Hey this is for your matchups which again yayyy congrats on nearly 200!! Anyways for my matchup:

1-3) My nickname is Em, she/her and idm who you pair me with

4) I'd describe myself as shy at first then once you get to know me I'll open up, an overthinker and I like to be organized

My hobbies are writing, I really love it alot, I also like to draw if I get time and I love music alot too

In a partner I'd look for someone who makes me laugh and who's patient

For dealbreakers it's pretty general but I couldn't be with someone who doesn't consider other ppl's feelings

5) I don't have an aesthetic but I like pastel aesthetics but then I also like dark aesthetics and light academia so it's a mix I guess

6) Colours to describe me would be teal blue and silver, well according to you anyways

7) Right now I'd say my favourite song is  Tru Luv Street by Awfultune or Fight Night Champion by Cyberbully Mom Club

8) Idk about a specific genre but some artists I like rn are: Awfultune, Carpetgarden, Cavetown, Clem Turner, Cyberbully Mom Club, Girl in Red, Joji, Lorde, Matt Maltese and Twenty One Pilots (sorry that's alot)

9) Ooh and I wanted to include that my favourite book is Radio Silence by Alice Oseman

Thank you in advance and also ily, you deserve all the love and more!! <3

EM MY BELOVED I HAVE DONE IT

@sugasfanfics this was so fun wtf like-- ugh i love this

ANYWAY i know i already kinda spilled the beans but im gonna match you with....

✧𝐴𝑘𝑎𝑎𝑠ℎ𝑖 𝐾𝑒𝑖𝑗𝑖✧

AGASHIII

and no it's not just because you're already in love w him i have good reasoning behind this because i said so anyWAY

✧𝐻𝑜𝑤 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝑀𝑒𝑡✧

how you met, for in case you cant see my fancy text

Cafe

C a f e

But like

A cafe specifically for nerds

This is just my like 2nd dream job okay but like hear me out

They have coffee & tea & a bookshelf full of old books and a chalkboard

You can write all over the chalkboard

You write super tiny and just let a little mini vent out in the corner because you’re stressed out and need to get everything off your chest

BUT you come back the next day and there’s a little note in the same little corner

Your message is gone

But instead is a little note from someone

“If you ever need to talk to someone, let me know”

And an Instagram username

So you give it a shot and you’re like why not talk to this random person Y’know maybe make a new friend if anything just thank them for the offer

You message him and start talking (and low key stalk his page just to see what he’s like, or maybe that’s just me being a snoop) and he’s actually really cool! So you guys meet up and get coffee and actually start talking all the time it’s really sweet

✧𝐺𝑒𝑛𝑒𝑟𝑎𝑙 𝐻𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑐𝑎𝑛𝑜𝑛𝑠✧

general headcanons

When i think of akaashi, I think of stars

When i think of you, i think of picnics and for some reason, water

Like the ocean

SO EVEN IF ITS NOT THE OCEAN

Your ‘spot’ is by this lake where he took you on a date one time

Maybe for an anniversary or something

But you guys did a little picnic dinner thing and were out when the sun went down so sat and stared at the stars

You buried a rock there and both of you like to stand on that spot where the rock is when youre there with the other

Or send the other a picture like “hiii baby look what i found” w your shoe in the picture

Bokuto is your #1 shipper high key

Like he thinks you two are so cute

He loves you so much too like

He and akaashi are kinda a package deal so like if ur dating akaashi ur dating bokuto just with less kissing (bokuto likes to kiss your cheek or forehead) (after making sure this was ok with akaashi of course) (ur his girlfriend of course)

But anyway just bokuto

He’s so sweet

And so clueless

You two will be walking together and then he’ll just walk up behind you and sling his arms over your shoulders

If youre holding hands w akaashi? He’ll put his hand over both of yours

God now i wanna write a fic but anyway

Bo is just the sweetest and is akaashi’s #1 hype man when he’s worried about a date

He’s ur #2 bc im ur #1 sorry to tell u

Bo totally tried to coin the platonic soulmates thing i love you kou but gtfo my em

Im arguing with fictional characters

ANYWAY

When akaashi is stressed he likes to wrap his arms around you and lay his head against your neck

He’ll never admit it out loud because he thinks its weird but he thinks you smell nice

When he’s starting to overthink too much + spiral he just will grab you and hug you until all the bad thoughts go away

When he thinks to of course

When he doesn’t, there are times you gotta find him and calm him down

Which he loves so much

Sit him down on the floor so he feels more grounded and hold his hand (or hook pinkies that's so cute i jhbflebf) (not the time spencer gtfo)

That way ur not crowding him but you’re still there y'know

And sometimes he’ll talk, sometimes you need to talk him down, sometimes you just sit in silence

Eventually he will lean forward into you and hug you because he doesn't want to talk, but he wants you to know he’s okay

Rub his back, kiss his head, you’ll both be okay

He’s really good with you too

When you’re stressed out he might push a couple buttons but he means well

He just wants to know who made his star upset (he calls you his star or darling convince me otherwise)

So he pushes buttons until you finally talk about it because obviously it’s bothering you why wouldn't you talk about it?? He just wants to fix it??

Sometimes this gets more irritating, sometimes it helps, it depends on the day

But even if you do get into an argument, expect to hear from him before the end of the night apologizing because he feels so bad for arguing with you that he doesn’t even care what the argument was about he just wants to make sure you still love him

I think im getting off topic but tbh this part is always just me rambling lol

Another thing I think of when I think of akaashi is rain. I don't know why but i do

You have to at least know OF the notebook & the rain scene to get this

I don't know the book lol i just know this much and i'm a dork so we’re using it & some quotes just a heads up

But just imagine its pouring and you’re bored and text him like “i wish i could see you but its raining & we didn't really make plans & i don't want you to get caught in the rain anywhere”

This mfer

RUNS ALL THE WAY TO UR HOUSE

JUST SHOWS UP

OUT OF NO WHERE

And being the freakin

book nerd he is

He texts you and goes “I wrote you 365 letters.”

And then just “(come to the door and I’ll finish the quote)”

So you bolt to the front door

And there he is

Soaking wet & smiling like an idiot

“I wrote to you everyday for a year.”

To which you start laughing and barley are able to make out a “it wasn’t over’ (which is the beginning of the next quote) before kissing him

And this jerk pulls you out in the rain with him because WHAT is more romantic than kissing in the rain

Nothing

Anyway he ends up with a cold but you give him some of the clothes you probably stole from him to get into dry clothes and you cuddle under the covers with tea

After you smack him (playfully of course) because “you IDIOT keiji it's pouring out here!!” “I wanted to see you too so i ran over” “you're impossible”

Anyway yeah #emkaashiotp

✧𝐴 𝐷𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝐼𝑑𝑒𝑎✧

a date idea

Bookstore

I'm really good at naming places aren't i

Anyway

Bookstore date

But do something fun where the two of you have to go through an aisle and find a random page and read it in the like

How do i explain this

Make it sound suuuuper sexual without it actually being that way and not laugh

Whoever loses buys lunch

Lets just say you lose a lot dear im sorry (he insists on buying anyway, sometimes he wins that argument)

You’re smiley :) (guys her smile is so cute ebflbejfb em ILY)

Oh also doesn’t matter if he bought lunch or not he always gets you something

Whether it be that book you decided you couldn't get this time or a little trinket that reminded him of you, or sometimes it’s just ice cream

It’s all very sweet (hahaha pun)

He always walks you home and gives you a little kiss when he drops you off

Doesn’t leave till you’re inside & he knows you’re good

You make him promise to text you when he gets home

Which he does, without fail

✧𝑍𝑜𝑑𝑖𝑎𝑐 𝐶𝑜𝑚𝑝𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑏𝑖𝑙𝑖𝑡𝑦✧

zodiac compatibility

Sagittariuses are very intelligent, fair-minded & honest, similar to a Libra’s cleverness & rationale. Because of this similarity, trust is a huge thing in these relationships. It can be all or nothing, but finding balance is important to keep both people happy. Luckily, Libras are very good at this. From everything I’ve seen, these signs together have a very high compatibility and can have a very long-withstanding and healthy relationship.

✧𝐴𝑒𝑠𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑡𝑖𝑐✧

aesthetic

✧𝑃𝑙𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑖𝑠𝑡✧

playlist

House of Gold - Twenty-One Pilots

Lvr Boy - awfultune

A Shitty Love Song - Jye

Darling Get Up - awfultune

Something Just Like This - Alex Goot

✧𝑅𝑢𝑛𝑛𝑒𝑟𝑠 𝑈𝑝✧

runners up

Nishinoya Yuu, Sugawara Koushi

[etchedstars]

Hey same anon again. No self deprecation (I think?) but I’ll go ahead and say tw for minor violence, mentioned blood and maybe abuse? I’m not really sure. If this is too triggering for you or you think it’ll trigger other people you can just delete it.

My older sibling is developmentally disabled (not gonna get specific bc I don’t want people to try and work out who I am) and very recently seems to take issue with the fact that I exist? They’re very particular about where things and people belong and if you aren’t in a place they deem “correct” they will lose their mind

Over the last few days I’ve been spending more time with my mom (long story, parents are divorced and kinda hang out in their own respective parts of the house but that’s not really important) and my sibling just hates it. Yesterday they threw an hour and a half long tantrum over it, screaming the house down and trying to break down the door after we locked it. Before we locked it they tried to attack me and their usual method is to scratch. So now I look like Ive been through a hell of an ordeal with the cat. And then today the tantrums were shorter, but they threw two one right after the other.

I’m just so tired of it. I love my sibling, but I’m tired of living with them. I don’t want them here anymore. My parents don’t either, they’re sick of them too, but we financially can’t afford to put them in care, and they’re not really verbal and we’re afraid something will happen to them and they won’t be able to let us know.

I understand that. I don’t want them in a place where they’d be mistreated. But I’m also tired of living in a place where IM mistreated. I’m scared to leave my room, scared to hang out with my parents and especially my mom who I barely get to see anyway. It just feels like my parents don’t really see how much what they do hurts me and my other sibling. I have things I need to get done that I can’t do while they’re screaming or trying to claw my eyes out, I have a life I want to live without worrying about my friends getting hurt by my sibling. It just feels like there’s no ending to this that’ll work out well for everyone.

Thanks for letting me vent <3

wow uh

that really sucks

a lot

i can't think of any ideas that would make everyone happy, i'm sorry

anon, i hope everything works itself out quickly for your family, and that your sibling stops attacking you any time you want to talk to your mom. you deserve a home you can feel safe in, and it sucks that you can't get your sibling the help they need.

and ofc! my ask box is open <3

[fairycosmos]

man if ur therapist ever tells u more helpful advice on dealing w the paranoia can u let us kno? lol sorry for mooching but i really relate to what you’re talking about. a family member of mine died a couple years ago and even now i feel like i’m scared of literally everything 😅😅 my mind feels like such a prison sometimes 😃😃 damn i should really just go back to therapy,,,,😔😔😔 anyway i love you chole and hope you kno you’re never alone in this

yeah lol sure i'll be like the therapist grapevine 🤪i'm not sure how helpful her advice actually is to be honest like. im not really clicking w her. people were saying it's weird she said i shouldn't be scared of anything because the worst thing that could've happened to me has already happened. but that didn't make much difference because i'm still just scared of stuff like that continuing to happen over and over. that's why i'm so paranoid bc i know it's all coming and i know the world isnt what it seems, everything's a trick. tbh what i've noticed about counselling is that she's just stating the obvious out loud lol. but sometimes actually hearing it echoed back to you makes it sink in more. she told me fate isn't in my hands and whatever will be, will be. she said i spent ages worrying about my sister and it didn't stop her dying. the ultimate outcome will never change. the sentiment was basically that i could anticipate all the bad shit in the universe and it wouldn't make it disappear, just makes me suffer through it twice. i do know that on a logical level. my brains just always completely tripping these days. but yeah please take everything said with a massive grain of salt. everyone's situation is different, complex and complex in different ways. i honestly encourage you to go back to therapy for actual specialised support. nothing is a substitute for that. if it's an option for you, give it a go bc you've got nothing to lose. just venting your fears can put them in perspective and it's completely normal to need proper help when grieving, even after a while. i'm really really sorry you lost someone, i know it's the most unexplainable, surreal n painful experience ever. you don't have to face it alone. if you think what my therapist said was helpful, then i really think trying to find one of your own could make a big difference in your emotional state over time. love u angel x 🥺 💖

[tiffgeorgina]

what did you think of the new episode???

OH LORD i had a lotttt of thoughts on this episode, understandably. CONTENT WARNING FOR DISCUSSIONS OF SUICIDE AT THE VERY BOTTOM OF THIS POST (it’s a long paragraph). also obviously spoiler warning for 2x08.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

please reach out to somebody if you’re feeling distressed after this episode, or if you or a loved one is considering self harm or suicide. im always here if you need somebody to vent or talk to. i love you all and i would be devastated if anything happened to any of you. 

anyways, episode discussion below:

-first of all, the corgina scene at the very beginning was PRICELESS. tiff and corkie had it DOWN until tiff lost her cool. i was DYING. casey wilson invented the word “fuck.”

-marcus/dawn and connie/mo double date. this whole scene had me CACKLING. marcus being such a comrade was not at all what i expected. the three-on-one connie smackdown i could not BREATHE. also includes classic moments such as “we’re doing black shit right now keith” and regina stealing every scene she’s in. also WOMEN xosha roquemore (connie) in dark lipstick is the best part of s2 prove me wrong

-also kind of out of order but dawn calling mo her best friend did not sit right... like in my soul. it’s like inherently wrong. so STRANGE to hear her say that.

-but connie sucks at being subtle lmfao dawn was not having any of that 

-“i can’t vote. im a felon” just out of nowhere GOD. and the fact that that’s the first time dawn’s learning that mo went to prison is fucked up. i’ve never seen a woman want a man to shut up so badly, and i’ve never been so glad that said man did not shut up lmfao

-tiff and blair’s apartment looks so good yes god!! also this season keeps referencing blair’s parents and it’s kind of putting me on edge. especially since next episode is “blair [being] forced to revisit his past.” on another note, andrew’s voice in this scene is SO FUNNY. you can tell he’s a voice actor i think

-also like we knew blair was into older men but now we like know lmfao. the richard gere jokes had LAYERS these writers outsold

-ok blair&tiff’s relationship... yikes. i cannot tell what the writers want their relationship to be. are they unhealthy and toxic and bad to each other? or are they platonic soulmates and life partners? make up your MIND, showtime.

-DON’T INFANTILIZE THE CUP BYE KJDFHGDFKJ

-first blarris scene was TENSE. acting good

-the confirmation that roger has kids... i mean i suspected it from the moment tuc’s character was announced in september but it makes the ending so much more painful. i KNOW that’s the only reason why they pushed the fact that the harrises are parents in this episode, bc it was never confirmed earlier.

-i hate how funny michael hitchcock is. im trying to hate newell but im laughing. why are his lines so funny who wrote this. 

-the sound design in this episode was a lot to take in. the music was intense asf and it stays intense throughout the whole ep

-keith cracking onto blair and trying to reconcile with him bc he’s feeling empathetic but blair shutting him down... can’t say keith doesn’t deserve it but i would’ve loved to have seen keith and blair just talk about being closeted and having affairs and shit.

-THE TRUMP CHILDREN LMFAOOOO they all look so smug the casting was great this ep

-mo shit talking connie TO HER FACE bc he knows connie can’t give up the act... fucking priceless i love to see it acab

-dawnroe physical contact hhhhh can you tell im rewatching this ep as i type this

-the wording on the “you’re with the FBI?” line is so perfect. bc it makes it totally sound like dawn’s onto mo and connie when really she’s just like “you’re siding with the FBI bitch?” highkey genius line

-posted this too early by accident oops. im still editing im not done yet lmfao

-MARCUS MO AND DAWN SAID ACAB FUCK YES

-ROGER GRABBING BLAIR’S HAND I AM ASCENDING. i knew about the hand holding scene there but i didn’t think roger would initiate it <3

-roger nearly kissing blair :’/

-LORD the trump children are little shits god

-daddy says it makes me look hot. you mean cute? ...no.

-oh GOD not this blarris scene. i like to believe that a gay person generally wouldn’t threaten to out another gay person on principle, but blair has shown how shitty of a person he's become all season. i hate it and it’s still ooc but i’ve seen worse on this show tbh.

-roger’s got a point, if he supports his campaign fund manager right off the bat, he’ll look like a total fraud and his career will be over. the fact that blair barely gives a shit really speaks to what his character has become. “fuck them” what a classic line

-ANDREW’S ACTING!!! his voice when he says “you use me” ugh i felt that in my chest. plus roger looking away after he says that... i mean god this cast is so talented

-blair snapping god. he’s got a point, he and roger have been dysfunctional asf all season. doesn’t justify threatening to out somebody AT ALL but finally hearing some emotion out of blair, a little bit of anger and frustration, it’s refreshing.

-does “who are you, blair?” count as a parallel to “who are you, pfaff?” from 1x01?

-blair outing roger to newell... yikes. again ooc and bad. blair’s a shitty guy but we’ve seen him have empathy before, even in s2. why would they make him do this i don’t get it.

-keith finding out about lenny is good. maybe something will finally come of this arc?

-parallel to 2x02 with blair mentioning his mom’s phrase, cool. probably gearing us up for more references to his parents next ep, culminating in a flashback to his childhood in 2x10.

-this scene where the trump kids are destroying everything is classic. you can genuinely tell that everybody there was having so much fun shooting that. idk, it’s nice.

-trump reveal HA what a great end to that scene

-keith coming by and fucking everything up... i mean i guess everybody KNOWS now. dawn/marcus is over (good) and dawn is probably right pissed at mo rn. but hey, fuck em all resurgence!!! ive been waiting for it and now it’s here!

-im scared, what’s connie gonna do? fuck cops

-“that’s a long way to go just to get a dig in” “it was a stretch but-” see what happens when you’re a narc? you lose your wit :/ sad! nice exit line from connie tho

-CW SUICIDE MENTION. ok time to talk about what definitely needs to be talked about. god this has had my chest hurting all day yesterday. i knew blarris would be outed eventually bc sho likes to milk every plot point for every bit of drama they can get out of it, but i did not expect roger to take his life. and blair finding him is just devastating. i said this on twt, but the fact that somebody could be so overwhelmed with internalized homophobia that being outed could cause them to commit suicide is so incredibly and deeply sad to me. i’ve been crying for a while over that fact. 

im just. im really sad. i’ve connected so much with these characters over the past two-ish years and this is such a devastating turn of events. i have no words. it isn’t bad writing or ooc by any means, it’s just so extremely and incredibly sad. there are probably thousands of people who have been in roger’s exact position before, and the realism really hits me hard. i can’t put into words how overwhelming sad this makes me. 

also pretty upset that this came as a COMPLETE shock to me and all my friends. we all watched on the sho streaming service, which did not have the “viewer discretion advised” card before the ep. the premier did, but the episode on the app did not. i really REALLY wish they had added that before i had seen the episode so i could prepare myself, even if just slightly. also wish they had added a suicide hotline number at the end. 

seeing blair grieve his loss is going to hurt but it’s probably going to give us closure too. i think about this show all the time, and now thinking about it makes me so overwhelmingly sad. i sound dramatic but this show has been with me for so long. not being able to see much of blair’s reaction beside the initial shock has been haunting me. im so scared for what the future episodes are going to bring.

thank you for reading, i love you all <3