#self iesteem issues

[lacertae-dreamscape]

feel free to ignore this, i just need to vent a bit?

i wish there was an easy way i could like myself, like. pressing a switch and suddenly im at least ok with the way i look

i wish i was thin and that if i ever lost weight that it would stay gone instead of coming back and doubling down

i wish i felt sexy like so many fat people i see who look gorgeous and visually appealing wearing dresses i would never feel comfortable even thinking about wearing despite how much i want to

i wish i looked androgynous enough too, the only time i ever felt close to that (and i don’t mind my boobs, even if they’re sadly fat and not bouncy nor hot they’re just. flabby fat n flabby like deflated water balloons) was bcs of my last hair cut, but it stopped making me feel like that now even if i redo the hair so that’s also kind of sad

i look at myself and it just feels like i fail everywhere and i wish i could look at my fat body and be ok with it like i am when its other people being fat and looking fabulous but all i see are faults and obnoxious fat rolls that look disgusting, and i wish i had at least the vaguest notion of how to start fixing all of this

i don’t hate myself and i think i used to have an ok face (in specific poses and ignoring the fat) and im already like. i already came a long way since where i was years ago where i dont hate myself, but it also feels like i took only half a step forwards.

it feels also shameful when i really feel like i amount to nothing and all i can be or do is mediocre at best and it feels even more shameful when all i want is to be loved *despite that* with all the baggage. how do u even drop all this baggage when even if i found someone blind enough to like me despite how i look and how my body looks, it would be hard to believe it?

i wish i had found someone sooner bcs the older i get the worse it’s going to be too.

i just. i hate that i try to push all of this down and ignore it and i manage to ignore it on a good day but it still feels like im just ignoring a corpse in my sitting room that i just covered with a carpet.

i hate how its easier to type this than it would be to say it in person to someone (and i woudln’t have anyone to say this to anyway) and i hate how i cant talk to friends about this bcs we’re all full of different problems and this doesn’t have an easy fix. this isnt ‘oh just lose weight its fine’ and then it can happen and it gets fixed. i tried and it didnt fix shit, it just got worse.