#anyways friend bought it for me cause i showed minor interest and well here we are

[umblrspectrum]

thanks iz

[sanjuno]

Meta Fic rides again

I'm a little stuck on how to word something in my Nano 2020 project so I decided to take a break by trying to read “Scum Villain’s Self Saving System” again and failed horribly because I got to the part when Binghe comes back and my interest died a quick and messy death for yet a third time. Someone write me a giant pile of gen-fic and LiuShen AUs to heal my heart.

Here, I’ll start us off:

Spite and Fury (or; PEDW is a hive of Scum and Villainy)

So bitter-old-man!Madara dies of old age after he passes his Epic Revenge Plot over into Obito’s keeping, and the Sage’s knockoff-brand cycle-of-transmigration peels Indra’s chakra out of Madara’s soul - which results in dying!Madara having a screaming ragefit that sends his spirit-and-chakra careening through the void between worlds

At which point shattered-and-fragmenting-more!Madara gets into an altercation with the System and since the System is a little bitch it tosses Madara into the worst possible Fate it can think of (see: PEDW)

Transmigration bullshit and Sharingan fuckery smash into each other in a gigantic clusterfuck of asspulls

Madara is missing bits because Indra’s imprint got ripped out

The Shen Jiu base soul is missing bits because torture and previous abuse of his character by the System

The resulting villain amalgamation is Not Pleased

Instead of landing in the divergence point chosen by the System - aka the Qi deviation fever shortly after Binghe arrives at Cang Qiong Sect – we instead have the jigsaw puzzle mashup of Mads-and-Jiu land in baby-slave Jiu’s body

The good news is Madara and Jiu stop fragmenting because they end up woven together - they’re stuck together as an almost-single person only with two different sets of memories

Character exploration is going to be an EVENT

Also the Madara part of them is really happy with the silky smooth hair

Also Yue “lets-Binghe-kill-him-because-he-thinks-Shen-Jiu-is-dead” Qi is cast is a much better light when compared to Senju “stabs-his-sworn-brother-in-the-back” Hashirama

So Mads-Jiu plays it close to canon for the first few years - the only real difference is that he tags his Jiejie with a tracking seal for after he escapes from slavery - he’s not leaving his ability to find her again up to chance or developing a reputation as a whoremonger if he can help it

When he gets bought by the Qiu is when Mads-Jiu starts being a manipulative little shit like we all know he is

Xanatos-pileup-or-bust!Mads-Jiu basically lets Yue Qi escape alone because he NEEDS Yue Qi to become Cang Qiong Sect Leader for his long-term plans to work properly

So Mads-Jiu warns Yue Qi that if he has to be CAREFUL because cultivating is dangerous and if Yue Qi comes back missing any pieces then Jiu will cut the EXACT SAME BITS OFF HIMSELF

And so Yue Qi is EXTREMELY safety conscious and the life eating sword drama is avoided entirely

Of course he’s also taking longer to reach his initial strength levels than in canon because he isn’t rushing

So there’s nothing like Yue Qi showing up early to trigger a plot divergence alert in the System

</mwahahaha>

Mads-Jiu is more pragmatic regarding Qiu Haitang’s so-called innocence this time around - and so he arranges for her to catch the Creeper Qiu bro abusing and assaulting Shen Jiu

Haitang is HORRIFIED AND DISGUSTED to see what her brother is doing to her fiancé and also TERRIFIED by the fact that he talks the entire time about how sweet it’s going to be when it’s HAITANG under him

The Qiu burn on schedule but Haitang kills her fair share - double Qi deviations FTW!

The system does not notice such a minor change in the background events - Jiu kills the Qiu, burns down their house, and Haitang survives the fire with vengeance raging in her heart

Mads-Jiu kills the demonic creeper that was hanging around because ew no and also keep your hands of Haitang

Again, it’s too close to canon for the System to notice - Jiu killed him in defense of a “childhood friend” so hahaha again

Instead of being used as a stalking horse by an evil master Mads-Jiu runs off with Haitang to track down and rescue his Jiejie

Shenanigans ensue

Afterwards Mads-Jiu “has an idea to help find Qi-ge” by asking around for him at the Immortal Alliance Conference

Of course there are more shenanigans and Yue Qi saves all three by claiming that they’re Cang Qiong disciples - so of course he drags all 3 of them back with him and wibbles at the current Sect Leader until he lets them all join

Still (mostly) following canon! Ha! So no “punishment” events get triggered in the System (which is mostly dormant because the Protagonist isn’t born yet XP)

Qiu Haitang was supposed to join a Sect! Jiejie got sold on schedule! Shen Jiu killed the Qiu and his “first master”! Yue pesters his Shizun into letting his sibling(s) join the Sect in an unorthodox fashion!

But the devil is in the details

And the devil’s name is Uchiha Madara

Jiejie ends up as Peak Lord for Talisman Peak because magic and seals saved her before

Haitang ends up Peak Lord for Hidden Peak because she refuses to be caught unawares by a dangerous secret ever again... also because she’s a mean sneaky bitch and owns it

Having more than one sibling for the Sect Leader to blatantly favour means less wholesale resentment directed at Mads-Jiu as well

However the Jiu part of them has memories from PIDW and also SVSSS - so he knows that shit is going to get horrible once Su Xiyan gets knocked up

Obviously the answer is to seduce all of his fellow peak lords into a glorious polyamorous clusterfuck so as to promote skinship and pack bonding and harmony among the sect leadership

(It worked for PIDW Binghe with his wives and SVSSS Shen Yuan with getting Bing-mei to chill his tits after all and nobody can trip you into bed quite like a shinobi)

And so Cang Qiong’s family aesthetics get rocked so hard that instead of panting after his Shizun baby disciple Binghe decides to seduce his peers...

... and his rivals

... and other sect’s disciples

... and the occasional demon

Mads-Jiu is really proud of his baby demon lord but makes sure not to single Binghe out - instead every Qing Jing disciple gets rewarded and punished at the same time

It promotes bonding! And teamwork!

And prevents the utter destruction of Mads-Jiu’s chrysanthemum via oversized demonic pillar!

There is totally going to be an extra where Mads-Jiu realizes that the average size of a male cultivators pillar is DANGEROUSLY EXCESSIVE

NOBODY NEEDS THAT MUCH PILLAR

Even HIS pillar hasn’t escaped the curse

BIGGER IS NOT BETTER!

How the fuck is he supposed to fight if he can’t even wear pants comfortably!?!?

(No wait come back Mu-shidi this shixiong is sorry it wasn’t mockery it was a perfectly reasonable tantrum that was a long time coming now stop sulking your dick is very pretty let shixiong make it up to you~)

And at some point there will be a wild Bing-ge who appears to cause trouble with a mirror that’s intended to temporarily transform people into the form of their last life - he aims it at the native Bingbing to get him out of the way so he can steal the “nice” Shizun

It would have been Pom time for Bingbing but Mads-Jiu pushes him out of the way

And cue giant explosion of dark Qi as a bonus expansion pack of Madara’s 10-tail Jinchuriki time with powers-and-memories gets downloaded into Mads-Jiu

Mads-Jiu the “Heavenly Demon Demi God” drops several mountains worth of flaming meteor rock on the invaders and then goes on a giant flaming skeleton rampage against Bing-ge

... Bing-ge has changed his mind he doesn’t want this Shizun take him back and oh gods the shrieking

How does he shriek so loud? Doesn’t he need to breathe?

... ok so Shizun breathes fire that’s good to know

Whelps time to bravely run away

And then the amassed sects need to figure out how to calm down the rampaging hell beast

The youngest Qing Jing disciple is brought out and told to cry for Shizun

Actually-a-broody-hen!Mads-Jiu whips around and starts fussing over his baby student

Because baby why are you crying stop it tell Shizun who hurt you and he will BURN THEM TO ASH

The last bit I have an idea for involves Mads-Jiu getting yanked though dimensions because Edo Tensei where he instantly twigs to what is going on and pushes the “righteous cultivator” skin to maximum strength

He shoves all the baby ninja behind him and keeps barrier spamming the zombie army - because ew no stay away from the children resentful corpses

Zetsu is included in the zombie army shall not pass smack down

Zombie!Tobirama is appalled because wut? Wasn’t this supposed to be Madara’s zombie? What is happening?

And I dunno something where he “notices” the resentful energy surrounding Danzo because stealing the eyes of the people you murdered is bad karma

So Mads-Jiu does a spirit thing and the ghosts of the Uchiha rips Danzo apart while screaming about his guilt in full view of the entire Village

And then Mads-Jiu goes home because filial little Bingbing came to get him and he’s not enjoying upending the shinobi social order nope not at all whom exactly do you take him for?

... Yes he’s done and ready to go back to his spouses now he’s sure the ninja have all learned better than to raise living corpses now anyway

The end

=/=

[alipeeps]

New tag game: Post pictures of your first ever (fictional/celeb) crush to the latest one and tag five others to continue the game

Thanks to @minmoyu for tagging me and ooof, are you sure you’re ready for this?!! :D I have been around/in fandom for a loooooong time and at first I thought, okay, no way I can list all my crushes, there have been SO many and we’ll be here all day but then as I started compiling a list I found I was having fun reminiscing and decided, what the heck, yeah, let’s do em all... or at least all I can remember! :D

There have absolutely for sure been other more minor crushes and passing fancies along the way, but these are the big ones that I remember (and that, in more recent years, I can track by going through my posted fanfics on AO3 and even *shudder* FFNET and seeing which shows I was into enough to want to write fic about the characters).

[Quick note: with rare exceptions, for actors I am listing them by the character they played rather than just the actor. Whilst there are actors that I like in multiple roles (and conversely, characters who on paper I would normally be into but are played by actors who do nothing for me, and hence the character generally does nothing for me either), for the most part it is the character I really have the crush on.]

I’m going to put this under a readmore cos it has gotten ridiculously long:

So... without further ado:

1. MORTEN HARKET from a-ha - OKay so, dating myself badly here but... I had the *biggest* crush on Morten Harket when I was a teenager. Pretty much the entirety of my side of the bedroom I shared with my sister was covered in posters of a-ha, and Morten in particular. I even had a heart-shaped Morten Harket pillow! :D I loved a-ha’s music (still do!) and I wanted to go see them in concert when I was 14 but my parents wouldn’t let me (*sob*). I did finally get to see them in concert in the early 2000s and they were BRILLIANT live (and Morten was still very very pretty)! 

2. RICHARD DEAN ANDERSON as MACGYVER - MacGyver is the first tv character I remember being really into and having a crush on, to the extent that I would record episodes of the show off the tv (onto VHS tape - yes, I am *that* old!) so that I could rewatch them (especially the ones where he got hurt - yeah, I was a whumper even then! :D)

3. KEIFER SUTHERLAND - One of my rare exceptions. I think I first saw him in Lost Boys (and loved him in that film) but it was his role as Doc Scurlock in Young Guns that really made me fall for both the character and him. I definitely remember seeking out any and all films he was in and buying any magazine he was interviewed in (and knowing far more facts about him than was probably healthy! :D) and even drawing a fanart portrait of him. :)

4. KYLE MACLACHLAN as SPECIAL AGENT DALE COOPER - I remember hearing about Twin Peaks before it started airing in the UK and it sounded so different and interesting... I watched it from the very first episode and very quickly developed a crush on Coop.  

5. BRENT SPINER as DATA - I think ST: TNG had been airing for a while before I stumbled across it but I quickly became hooked and Data was my favourite character right from the start. I definitely remember at one point buying an (unofficial) episode guide book so that I could look up which episodes were good Data-focused ones (especially ones where he got hurt! :D) so I could go out and buy the videos that had those episodes on (at the time the show was available to buy on VHS-tape with 2 episodes on each tape).

6. DAVID DUCHOVNY as FOX MULDER - Another show that I heard the buzz about and started watching right from the start and, like so many others, I immediately developed a crush on the snarky, enigmatic, troubled FBI agent with the weird name. The X-Files was the first show I ever tried writing (one, never-finished) fanfic for.

7. PAUL GROSS as BENTON FRASER - Man, Due South was such a good show! It was so quirky and clever and funny and Benton Fraser, with his huge heart and his serious demeanour and his gorgeous blue eyes, was just so darn attractive! He also got whumped a fair bit too! :D Due South was also the show that introduced me to the music of Sarah McLachlan (I was enough of a fan that I bought the show soundtrack on CD).

8. HUGH LAURIE as DR GREGORY HOUSE - This was a bit of an odd one for me because I had grown up knowing Hugh Laurie solely as a comedian/comic actor, known mostly for playing buffoons and genial idiots. And suddenly here he was with stubble, an American accent, and a limp, and he was hawt AF! :D It caused quite the feedback loop in my brain for a while which pretty much went “Wow, House is hot.... but it’s Hugh Laurie... but he’s hot... but it’s HUGH LAURIE!!1!”

I *loved* House (the first few seasons, at least) and oof a character with persistent pain (and a self-destructive streak a mile wide!) was a whumper’s dream. House was the first show for which I wrote - and published online - completed fanfics.

8. JOE FLANIGAN as JOHN SHEPPARD - Stargate Atlantis was my first proper online fandom, the first show I prolifically and repeatedly wrote fanfic for, and the first time I ever met in person an actor I was a big fan of (and while the show was still airing, to boot!). It was also my first introduction to the online community of whumpers! A bunch of us from the Shep Whump thread on Gateworld heard that Joe was going to be at a convention in London and we decided to book hotel rooms and meet up and go to the convention together and it was AWESOME! I can still remember seeing Joe *in person* for the first time and just,,,, struggling to believe he was actually here, in person, in front of me! He was super super lovely and humble too and took time to chat to everyone at the signing table and I clearly remember my brain just pretty much fritzing out during the photo session and being intensely aware of the sensation of Joe’s hand on my shoulder....

It was also super lovely to meet fellow fans, and online friends, in person for the first time and we had so much fun, and it kickstarted me going to lots of other conventions, including specific Stargate/SGA ones where I got to know lots of other lovely fans and online friends. I’ve met Joe about 4 or 5 times in total now and he’s been lovely every time.

9. PAUL BLACKTHORNE as HARRY DRESDEN - Gosh I loved the shortlived tv adaptation of The Dresden Files. I loved the fantasy aspect, the stories, the humour, and I especially loved Harry Dresden and how often he got whumped! :D 

10. DAVID TENNANT as THE 10TH DOCTOR - I had watched the Christopher Ecclestone revival of Doctor Who and enjoyed it well enough but I can clearly remember watching David Tennant’s first episode as The Doctor - on Christmas Day, at my brother-in-law’s house - and being aware, as I watched it that... ooookay, yes, I’m in trouble here... I like him... I like him a lot... :D I mean, I’m sure the fact that he got whumped so thoroughly in his very first episode had nothing to do with how quickly I fell for him... right? :)

11. ALEX O’LAUGHLIN as MICK ST JOHN - Another show that ended far too soon and just as it was getting *seriously* good. But also a prime example of my point about having a crush on the character not the actor. I looooooved Alex as Mick St John... and yet in Hawaii 5.0 he pretty much does nothing for me (the character is too stoic and the whump often too unrealistically glossed over). Anyway, in Moonlight he was my favourite kind of character - angsty, brooding, dangerous AF when he needed to be... and essentially immortal so you could whump the heck out of him and he’d recover so you could whump him again! :D

12. SIMON BAKER as PATRICK JANE - There is so much to love about Patrick Jane... his smarts, his sass, his angst... and Simon is a rare “against type” blonde crush for me (you may have noticed by now that most of my crushes follow a similar physical aesthetic - tall, slim/wiry, and dark-haired) and again here I think my crush is almost all to do with the character rather than the actor.

12. BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH as SHERLOCK HOLMES - I’m almost ashamed to admit it, given the clusterfuck that both the show and its fandom became, but in the earlier seasons I had quite the crush on Benedict’s Sherlock (and okay, a little bit on Benedict himself - I did definitely enjoy some of his other roles too). It helps that I was already a huge fan of the Sherlock Holmes character (I’ve read all the stories and novels multiple times and was a big fan of the Granada adaptation starring Jeremy Brett - whose Holmes would definitely count as one of my more minor/passing crushes) already. Benedict is another crush that I have met in person, at a (actually, the first!) Sherlock convention and he was lovely in person - very genuine, very articulate and thoughtful.

13. TOM MISON as ICHABOD CRANE - I was excited for Sleepy Hollow as soon as I heard about it and I was SUCH a fan for the first couple of seasons (before TPTB completely destroyed it and it inevitably got cancelled (I didn’t even watch the last season and a half)) and Tom’s Ichabod (and his amazing chemistry with Nicole’s Abbie) was a large part of why. I also quickly became a big fan of Tom himself as he came across as so witty and self-deprecating and *fun* in all the behind the scenes/convention clips etc. I was lucky enough to also meet Tom at a convention and he genuinely is that witty and charming and lovely.

14. TOM WISDOM as ARCHANGEL MICHAEL - I think Dominion was possibly the first show that I got sucked into by seeing whumpy gifsets on tumblr! :D It was such a great show and also to date the most immersive, welcoming, cast-and-crew-interactive fandom I have ever been in. The cast and crew regularly live-tweeted the episodes, and interacted with fans on Twitter, and it was SO much fun. And Tom’s Michael was my favourite character right from the start - seemingly aloof but so much going on under the surface... and some really nice whump, especially in season 2! I was heartbroken when it was cancelled after only 2 seasons (and just as the plot was getting *really* interesting).

15. OLIVER JACKSON-COHEN as LUCAS - I was hooked on Emerald City right from the first episode. It was visually stunning, so atmospheric, and really intruiging. I love love loved Adria Arjona’s Dorothy (ngl, I had a bit of a crush on her too) and she and Lucas together were just... *chef’s kiss*. I mean... what an introduction to a character... she finds him crucified, bleeding, his wrists tied with barbed wire, and amnesiac.... and the whump only gets better and better from there on in! Like the entire first two episodes are just... Lucas whump! :D And his devotion to her... Emerald City was honestly the first show where I really got into a ship. I was *invested* in Dorcas, dammit! Aaaand sadly another excellent show that never made it past its first season.

16. JASON RALPH as QUENTIN COLDWATER - Another show that I watched right from the start, was heavily invested in.... and that the writers absolutely tanked and destroyed in later seasons. *cries* Quentin was such a brilliant viewpoint character for the show and I loved his awkwardness, and his angst, and his enthusiasm, and his adorable floppy hair... and how often he got whumped! 

17. COLIN MORGAN - I fell for Colin in Merlin (which I stumbled upon late, long after it had finished airing, and hence was able to binge-watch the entire 5 seasons!) and liked him enough to seek out his other works, such as The Fall, and Humans, and The Living and the Dead, and he was brilliant (and very pretty) in all of them... and his characters also seem to get whumped quite a lot! :D 

18. MATT LANTER as WYATT LOGAN - Wyatt was another of my favourite archetypes... absolutely badass and competent... but also tortured and angsty and capable of intense devotion. Another show that I watched because of whumpy gifs on tumblr and the second ever show where I actually got invested in a ship - Lyatt all the way, baby!! :D - aaaaaand yet another show cancelled before its time.

19. NOCTIS LUCIS CAELUM from FINAL FANTASY XV - my very first video game crush! I was recommended to play FFXV by fellow whumpers on the whumpshire discord because it was whumpy... and they were not wrong and I loved the game and I absolutely adored Noctis. FFXV is one of very very VERY few video games that I have actually played right through to the end. And possibly the only video game that has ever affected me to such an extent... I became so invested in the characters and their world and I actually found the last couple of chapters really hard to play because it was actually upsetting me emotionally. I had to take a break for a couple of weeks before I could go back and finish it!

20. CONNOR from DETROIT BECOME HUMAN - and from there I jumped straight into another video game crush! DBH was another game recommended to me for its whump potential and I, and many others, immediately fell in love with the quirky, sassy, self-sacrificing (if you play the game right!) “android sent by Cyberlife”. The game itself is really good too... although, I have tried to play through all the different endings to the story but have never yet managed to make myself play the machine Connor storyline.... I want to complete all the story branches... but I also just want Hank and Connor to be friends and to be happy! :D

21. ZHU YILONG - Ahhh... the beginning of the asian drama arc of my fandom life! I first came across Zhu Yilong after getting sucked into watching Guardian because of pretty (and whumpy) gifs on tumblr... and I’ve never looked back. He is one of the rare entries where I am pretty much guaranteed to like him in pretty much anything he does and my crush extends beyond Shen Wei, or his other characters, and into reblogging his fashion shoot photos, and keeping up with news of his work in general. He’s just... so darn pretty! And also so... blur! :D And the behind the scenes stuff and interviews of him with Bai Yu, during the Guardian era, just made me fall for him all the more. He’s also ridiculously talented - not only a fantastic actor, but a really good singer (I love his singing voice), he plays guitar and piano, and he can paint too!!

He’s also pretty much what made me start learning Chinese... because after Guardian I went seeking his other dramas to watch... only to find that many of them are only partially, or not at all, subbed. So I thought... why not try learning Chinese and then I’ll be able to watch his other shows? :D

21. JI CHANG WOOK - My first kdrama crush, and what a good one to start with! Healer was the first drama I ever watched and can you blame me for falling for JCW... especially when I followed up Healer with The K2?! I’ve liked him in pretty much everything I’ve watched him in. Although I do wish he would go back to doing more action-based shows as he is sooo good at them... but he seems to prefer the romcom genre these days, which is something I am nottt always a fan of tbh.

22. JAKE HSU as MENG SHAO FEI - Yet another show that I got sucked into by tumblr - and also one with a great, fun fandom through which I met lots of lovely people who I still follow/am mutuals with to this day. I just *adored* Jake’s character in History and I also loved the ship - Tang Fan and Meng Shaofei were awesome and adorable together and I was totally invested in both the ship and the gangster/cop/what happened years ago story happening alongside the ship. And Jake is just all kinds of cute.

23. XIAO ZHAN - Aaaand we are pretty much up to current day now... where The Untamed took over my life in the summer of 2019 and has yet to let me go. Xiao Zhan is another disgustingly talented human being - a fantastic singer and a really good actor, and also an artist - and he also just comes across as a genuinely sweet and charming person, and a very thoughful and earnest one too. And lbr he is ridiculously pretty, and his smile is just pure sunshine. 

24. LEE DONG WOOK as LEE YEON - The most recent entry to the charts.... a Korean actor I was aware of but whose work I hadn’t watched and whose looks didn’t particularly seem to grab me... until I watched Tale of the Nine Tailed and fell head over heels for Lee Yeon (and daaayum does red hair suit LDW!!) and very quickly began to find LDW’s looks very appealing (and oh my, does Lee Yeon whump well!!). And yes, I have now started watching Goblin. :D

Phew! Aaaand we are done! I’ll admit, I did think of a few more as I was compiling this list but I decided to categorise them as more “minor” crushes and not include them... otherwise we really could be here all day!!

I’m going to tag: @sarah-yyy​, @arlothia​, @howdydowdy​, @thepromiseweheldforlife​ and @the-wandering-whumper​!

[starkmaiden]

did you know that hawks and wolves mate for life?

Ladyhawke is one of my favorite movies.  It’s got everything I need.  Sword fights, star crossed lovers, Baby Michelle Pfeiffer, Matthew Brodrick occasionally trying a British accent, and a ridiculously amazingly bad-good soundtrack.  Best of all for me personally, it has Rutgar Hauer, who is one of my favorite actors ever and I love him so much and I miss him every day.

Now Ladyhawke is the story of baby faced Matthew Broderick as the young thief who helps star-crossed cursed lover, Navarre and Isabeau, break their curse whether he wants to or not.  There’s also the evil bishop who cursed them, an evil captain of the guard foil, and a drunk monk.  Also Alfred Molina, who despite having seen this movie more times than I’ll admit I keep forgetting is in this movie.  It is one of the more quintessential 80’s fantasy movies I’ve ever seen, and if you haven’t seen it, I hope I managed to convince you with my terrible summary that doesn’t explain the movie at all.

You’re probably wondering why I’m talking about it, and how this means anything regarding Jonsa at all.  Now if you’re in the Jonsa Book Club then you’ve probably skipped down to the main part because you know where I’m going with this.  Ladyhawke is one of my favorite movies, but it’s also one of the favorites of George RR Martin.  In his words it is “Not only one of the greatest fantasy films ever made (ignore that bloody soundtrack please), but one of the great romances as well.”

And yeah, it’s got Jonsa to it.  Or well Jonsa has Ladyhawke in it.

There’s the aforementioned star-crossed lovers, Navarre and Isabeau.  Navarre cursed to be a human during the day, and a wolf at night; and Isabeau, cursed to be only a human at night and a hawk during the day.  Heck, I named this entire thing after one of my favorite Navarre lines.  Because originally this was called “Jonsa but every time it’s Ladyhawke George giggles like a schoolgirl”.  Let’s break it down.  Go easy on me I’ve never done this before.

Wolf Imagery in Navarre and Jon

Now I’m focusing on the male leads for this section.  Navarre is Rutger Hauer’s character, so even if I was using the show in any way for this Kit Harington could never match up.  Because like I mentioned above, Rutger Hauer is one of my favorite actors.  I actually started the notes for this meta-thing in August, only to stop it because watching Ladyhawke in the wake of his death made me sad for awhile.  But I’m tangenting.

In Ladyhawke, Navarre is a disgraced former captain of the guard now on the run and looking for his revenge against the evil Bishop.  In ASOIAF, Jon is a quickly advancing member of the Night’s Watch.  Both characters are both inversions of the Black Knight trope, and that trope played straight through.  They look like the standard black knight from the outside; good fighter, infrequent smiles, on the edge of society, and of course dressed in all black all the time.  But ultimately they’re both subversions of this trope.  Navarre is the hero of the story, and the most noble character in it.  Jon, despite his own increasing moral ambiguity, as of the last time we see him is one of the more noble characters of the series.  They also both keep bird companions.  Navarre travelling with Ladyhawke, and Jon’s possession of the Lord Commander’s raven in later books.  Which doesn’t fit wholy into the black knight trope but is an aesthetic similarity.

There’s also their swords to look at.  Navarre has his family’s ancestral sword and it holds a lot of value to him.  It’s been in his family for generations, and holds a lot of value to him.  It also looks dope as hell.  What does that sound like but Longclaw.  The Mormont’s family sword, that Jon now holds and something that he takes a lot of pride in.  And also it is dope as hell.  They’re even a little visually similar, stuck somewhere between one handed and two handed, with large ornamental pommel.

A more mild example being how others see them.  Navarre’s former men, even when they fight him, still hold a certain level of respect for him.  Similar to Jon, and the people he interacts with.  They’re also both defenders of the more innocent against their friends or former friends.  As shown with their defense of Mouse and Sam.

The most obvious connection was saved for last.  Seeing as both Jon and Navarre are literal wolves.  Jon by warging into his wolf, Ghost, mostly in those dreams that go on while he closes his eyes.  Navarre by transforming into a wolf, from dusk to dawn.  They also both tend to lose themselves when they’re in their wolves, forgetting they’re humans while in them and such.

Bird Imagery in Isabeau and Sansa

The Ladyhawke and the Little Bird.  They match.  Done.

Okay, serious.  Minor point, Sansa is reported to have flown away from the danger in King’s Landing and Isabeau literally flies away from danger in the movie.  Foreshadowing?  Probably not.  But I digress.

Another fun fact, Isabeau and Sansa have similar family stories.  They lost their fathers (and presumably Isabeau’s mother even though she is not mentioned) and through events end up in the custody of a family member.  Isabeau’s cousin, and Sansa’s aunt Lysa.  Actually, on my first watch I had to go back and rewatch the scene because I did mishear it and thought Imperius said that Isabeau fell in love with her cousin  Anyway.  It’s through this that they come into contact with both the hero of the story and the villain.

Let’s continue with the obvious, Sansa and Isabeau.  Isabeau is played the very lovely Michelle Pfieffer, while Sansa is portrayed by the beautiful Sophie Turner in the adaptation.  Both are known in story for their beauty.  It is the first thing people say about them.  They also both have these like piercing blue eyes like the sea after a storm.  It’s this beauty that brings them to the attention to their main villain, Littlefinger and the Bishop.  Which will be covered in the next part...spoilers.

Sansa and Isabeau are also associated with wolves.  Sansa has Lady for as short a time as she did.  And if you believe theories may or may not find another with a close connection to Jon *cough, cough*.  Isabeau is followed and protected by Navarre’s wolf form.

The two also have a similar sad air about them.  Isabeau gets the amazing exchange, MOUSE: “Are you flesh or are you a spirit?” ISABEAU: “I am sorrow.”  Now Sansa, Sansa has plenty of sad quotes, but the one I decided on for this is: “It was as if she has become a ghost, dead before her time.”  They have tragic ways of expressing their sadness.

The biggest would be the most obvious thing.  Isabeau is the titular Ladyhawke.  The hawks specifically used were red-tailed hawks.  Easy to train which is why they’re used in a lot of  movies, but they’re also common for falcony a hobby Sansa has shown interest  in the books proper.  More than Sansa’s connection as a little bird, which I’m going to gloss over right now with only the fact their abusers want to keep them as helpless caged birds.  Sansa is also associated in later books with the falcon of House Arryn.  Which like the hawk, is a prey of prey known for being fierce but graceful.

Final note, Sansa and Isabeau also bought trust someone with their most secret secrets.  Imperious and Dontos both being drunks who tell (albeit accidentally in Imperious’ case) their superiors about the ladies’ plans.  This ends up being bad for them, and it is what causes trouble for them.  Isabeau, ending up cursed, and Sansa, ended up a fugitive living under Littlefinger.

Littlefinger and the Bishop

The Bishop of Aquila is the primary villain of Ladyhawke.  The one who cursed Navarre and Isabeau when the latter doesn’t return his obsession.  Littlefinger is Littlefinger, probably the closest thing to a human overarching villain until Dany fully takes that position.  He had an obsession with Catelyn Stark, that transferred to Sansa when Catelyn became confirmed untouchable by way of being dead.  You can see where I’m going here.  They’re the ones who provide the hero girl with all to a lot of her bird imagery.  Since they really made her that way.

They’re also a visual difference between that our villains have from our heroes.  As I rambled above, Navarre and Jon are the guys dressed all in black trope, very pale, tragic.  The Bishop on the other hand is a pure example of the “light is not good” trope.  He’s only ever seen wearing those white bishop robe things.  Which also puts him at contrast with Littlefinger, who unlike in the adaption where he only wears those dark medieval trench coat things that cover all the skin, chooses to wear literally every color he can get his hands on which is nearly every one.

Like Littlefinger, the Bishop in Ladyhawke is an evil man in a corrupt position.  Using his underlings like the captain of the guard to do his dirty work for him while he remains clean on the outside, similar to Littlefinger’s relationships with Lothor Brune and them Kettleblacks.  

They’re also both the instigators of the entire plots of their stories.  The Bishop is the one who curses the couple, the one who arrests Mouse, sells his soul to hell, all that culminate in his death.  Littlefinger throws the entire continent into chaos in hopes that the shuffle of power will put him on top and get him the object of desire.  Ladyhawke’s plot wouldn’t exist without the bishop, and the entire story of ASOIAF would be different without Littlefinger.

Random Conclusions I’m About To Jump On

Phillipe the Mouse is the POV character of Ladyhawke I mentioned a few times over the course of this thing.  There is also Ser Shadrich, the Mad Mouse, currently being all ambiguous in Sansa’s TWOW Alayne chapter.  What do they have in common?  Well it depends on if you believe what I believe which is 1) Sansa is the Girl in Grey (obviously), and 2) that Ser Shadrich’s appearance in Sansa’s storyline is going to spell trouble for her in the books to come.  The tentative connection being that the Mouse’s involvement in the story is what brings our lovers (Navarre and Isabeau) and our could be lovers (Jon and Sansa) back together again.

Actual Conclusion

Endings are hard, so I’m not writing one.  I should do this again with another one of my favorite movies, but they don’t really have George connections.

In the reverse, Navarre and Sansa both have the wolf connection to match with.  And Isabeau is the Ladyhawke to Jon’s Crow.

Also, if Jon and Sansa’s reunion includes any variation of the phrase, “You’ve cut your hair” I will spontaneously combust.

[samotchkaficrecs]

Haikyuu!! Fic Recs #1

Hola! 

I have wanted to make this post for ages (and the reason this blog was created) and am really excited to share some of my favourite Haikyuu fics with everyone!

I will be putting a ‘★’ next to the ones that i highly recommend and love with my heart and soul.

Lets get started!

KageHina

In Transit - by Mysecretfanmoments

Hinata finds that he likes standing close to Kageyama on buses and trains. It doesn't mean anything--probably. Maybe. 

(complete)

baby, i can give you wings - by Metis_Ink

In which there are superpowers, cats, rainstorms, realizations, split-second jealousy, embarrassing volleyparents, killer whales, electric Kuroos, unstable emotions, bad romance movie mentions, some angst, some fluff, but mostly a lot of awkward high schoolers.

The minute Kageyama walks into the gym and sees Hinata hovering eight feet over the nets he knows he’s screwed.

(complete)

★ fake it, make it - by zadderlee

"Because Kageyama is already dating someone!"

"Really? Who?"

“Me!” Hinata shouts suddenly, grabbing Kageyama’s hand as an afterthought and grinning triumphantly, like he’s somehow missed the implications of what he’s just done. Kageyama is going to kill him.

(ongoing)

Oblivious To Love - by Karumasa

Yellow filled Hinata’s vision. The inside of his bag was stuffed full with bananas.

Hinata was terrified.

(complete)

DaiSuga

★ Fake Wedding March - by tsukkkiii (becauseitisbitter)

Minutes before Daichi is going to introduce his fiance to his parents, he gets dumped via text. So while he sits in front of his parents, trying to figure out what to say, an angel appears next to him.

or: Suga pretends to be Daichi's fiance to save his ass.

(complete)

forever is a long time but i wouldn't mind spending it with you - by  Interconnected_3 

“What else?” Daichi blinks. “What else is there? Do you want me to tell you how you like your coffee?” He grins teasingly. “I don’t know, how do I like my coffee? By the way, you’re missing something.” “Cream and two and a half sugars- wait, I’m missing something?” “Yup,” Suga says. “You forgot to mention that we’re dating.” “Well, god, Suga, judging from how we’ve been kissing and holding hands for three years and in this bed for the past nine hours since last night, I couldn’t possibly tell.”

in which daichi finally gets the day off and teaches a romantically-frustrated suga how to be honest with himself. extreme fluff

(complete)

★ Black and Blue - by MTrash (Makaria)

Daichi's new (temporary) neighbor is not only stunningly beautiful but also funny, friendly, with just a touch of mysterious.

Naturally, Daichi freaks the fuck out.

(AU where everyone lives in the same building and everyone is gay)

(complete)

i do (cherish you) - by gabstar

The first time Daichi suggests it, it’s a joke.

“Sugawara Koushi,” he says solemnly. He’s bent on one knee, the floor is still sticky with sweat post-practice. He offers up the lost ring, found while mopping off gym floors. “Will you marry me?”

((Five times Daichi asks Suga to marry him, plus once where he finally, finally says yes.))

(complete)

TsukkiYama

The Great Yamaguchi-Tsukishima Split (Capitalization Necessary) - by WyYeuw

"But no, the current situation isn’t normal. This situation requires the full attention of the team. No, what’s really concerning this time around, is that Yamaguchi is the one ignoring Tsukishima.” Yamaguchi confesses. Tsukishima fucks up—like, really fucks up. The volleyball club notices and loses a week’s worth of practice.

(complete)

★ Do you see what I see? - by superpapershark   

Three times Tsukishima wonders what colour Yamaguchi's eyes are, and the one time he finds out.

(complete)

★ Try This On For Size - by CloudMonsta 

A lot changed for Yamaguchi Tadashi over the course of high school. He started trying on dresses, for one.

(complete)

Blood - by darkbluebox 

Words like "Muggle-born" and "Pure-blood" don't mean a lot when you're still a child, but everyone has to grow up sooner or later.

(complete)

AsaNoya

Setting Aside Your Pride and Your Prejudice - by sugamama_crowshi

“Oh, Pride and Prejudice?” an unfamiliar voice asked. Noya was pulled from his search as the man before him spoke. He blinked up at him a few times. Then he stared. Nishinoya’s mouth was probably hanging open slightly. He couldn’t help it. Before him stood the single most gorgeous man Nishinoya Yuu had every laid eyes on.

Nishinoya Yuu experiences love at first sight at the library. Azumane Asahi is excited to think that another Japanese person has heard of Jane Austen. Through a series of lies and café meetups the two begin to learn more about each other. And fall for each other too.

(complete)

★ I’d Like You Anyway - by KuriKuri 

Yū believes in soulmates, but that doesn’t mean he believes in them.

(Or: An AU in which any permanent marking you get on your body - like a tattoo - also appears on your soulmate. And Yū gets a lot of tattoos.)

(complete)

★ come and take a walk on the wild side - by Authoress 

There’s a bloodcurdling scream of terror, and then Noya remembers that, right, there’s a new person moving into the apartment next to him. Oops.

(in which Noya is accidentally the Worst Neighbor Ever, Asahi loses twenty years of his life to stress, and Rolling Thunder is the star of the show.)

(complete)

Under the Radar - by lilien passe (lilienpasse)  

Two weeks after Asahi rejoins the team, Noya finds himself starting to slip during practice. Missed receives, floor burns, the whole nine yards. But when Tanaka points out the possible cause, Noya's hard-pressed to believe him. There's no way someone as dopey yet implausibly-competent as Asahi could be the cause of all his distress. After all, Noya doesn't worry about much beyond the court, and he certainly doesn't hold grudges. Right? (Semi-AU)

(complete)

KuroKen

★ Saltwater Room - by hipster-yams (madamedicelia)

Kenma had been perfectly happy just attending class half-asleep, secretly practicing cello, and occasionally getting his hand stuck in the vending machine but certain people refuse to let his quiet bliss go on and force him to think about everything he's been trying to hide away in the depths of his mind for years.

(complete)

★ Water and Brimstone - by  aetherdrive 

Kuroo and Kenma are assigned to go undercover as a result of Bokuto’s awkward attempt at playing matchmaker... but their simple case turns out to be a lot more dangerous than they expected.

(complete)

[A/N: this one is a sequel to another fic Crisis Converted (which is also amazing), i will also link the whole series which features BokuAka, KuroKen and IwaOi here]

Show A Little Faith - by minijhi

“Why are you sending me a singing Valentine telegram?" Kenma asks, mouth flattened. "It’s six months until Valentine’s Day.”

“I bought a dwarf over the summer to use as cupid.” Kuroo says. “I figured he could use some practice.”

-

Presenting Kenma as the Boy-Who-Lived, whose living becomes a lot more interesting when Ravenclaw Prince Kuroo Tetsurou starts sending him singing telegrams about defeating the Dark Lord.

(complete)

In The Dark Of The Night - by dgalerab  

The Tokyo training camp has to use an older sports center while their usual one is renovated. Kenma is used to paying attention to the minor details, and the minor details in this place don't seem very friendly.

(Or: Kenma notices an angry ghost before anyone else does, and it's not a very good thing for Kenma.)

(complete)

IwaOi

the truth is out there - by shizuoh  

"I work at NASA," Hajime said, setting down his coffee.

Oikawa immediately jumped up and slammed his palms against the table. "I'll suck your dick if you tell me about the aliens."

(complete)

★ love me like you do - by crossbelladonna  

Iwaizumi’s family line is cursed to die a year after they fall in love. Admittedly, he knows falling for his childhood friend may be a mistake. But he did and he passed and Death got what he wants that is until Oikawa makes a trade—his memories for Iwaizumi’s life.

(complete)

The PDA jar - by Poteto

“What is that thing for?”

“I’m glad you asked, captain. This… is the Public Display of Affection jar. Or PDA jar for short.”

“Now whenever you do something that may hurt our children’s innocence, you’ll have to put money in the jar as a punishment."

(complete)

★ equilibrium - by laconicGhost \

Hajime sighs, leaning against the stove as he turns to face Tooru, who’s still peeking up at him from under his arm. He purses his lips and ignores the heat in his cheeks as he rolls a stiff shoulder.

“What?”

Tooru hides his face when he realizes he’s been caught, laughing a little bit to cover up his embarrassment. “I’m happy, Iwa-chan,” he says cheerfully.

(complete)

Multi/Misc.

★ Sincerely Yours - by quinnlocke [Multi.]

Saturday detention isn’t normally a place you go in order to find the answers to your problems

It’s where you go when you’ve fucked up bad enough you have to lose an entire Saturday to make up for what you’ve done.

The Prince and The Criminal were caught cutting class. The Outsider cursed out his Shakespeare professor. The Jock and The Brain got into a fist fight.

And the Birthday Boy, he’s not even supposed to be here...

(complete)

★ call me maybe - by totooru [MatsuMaki]

Hanamaki texts the wrong number when trying to extort tips out of Oikawa in order to defeat Iwaizumi in arm wrestling, and then continues to text the witty stranger who had answered.

(complete)

[A/N: this fic is freakin’ hilarious] 

Love It If We Made It - by mangetsu_san [KyouHaba]

Yahaba locks himself up in his room after their loss to Karasuno, so Kyoutani decides to take him on a little adventure.

(complete)

Mixed Signals - by snoqualmie [KyouHaba]

Feelings are definitely a thing he’s having. Kyoutani is really sweet. He’s family oriented and he prefers novels with female leads and he’s in all honors classes. He kind of has a big head, totally has a big smile, definitely has a big heart. His eyes are nice, he’s got that dimple. Yahaba groans and rubs his fists into his eyes.

(complete)

The Lost & the Found - by AJ (anna_panda) [Multi]

"Being lost is worth the being found."

Hinata thinks he finally knows his way around the castle, Kenma knows he definitely doesn't and it's a miracle Iwaizumi hasn't thrown Oikawa off the Astronomy Tower yet. Just another year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry.

(ongoing)

it's easier for you to let me go - by burritosong [YakuLev]

the one with the proposal

(complete)

1800-GET-REKT - by doggoneit [KuroTsukki]

“I see you like it Between the Sheets.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Your drink. It’s good stuff but I’m more of a Blowjob kinda guy.”

(complete)

★ Crumbling Foundations - by Captain_Hughes_ZU, ToshiChan [Gen]

Things like this didn't happen in Karasuno. It was just a school. Learning, making friends, taking exams and playing volleyball. Lots of volleyball. So it was really nothing out of the ordinary for the team to be in the gym on a simple Monday morning, training away. But two men walking into the gym with guns, one demanding to take his son? That wasn't ordinary, not at all...

(complete)

And that’s a wrap, i really enjoyed putting this together! Got a bit of nostalgia from when i first started getting into Haikyuu.

I hope you enjoy reading the fics i recommended, i still have heaps more so look out for a second part!

Anyways,

Au revoir!

[ghosthunthq]

Oliver is autistic, I will die on this hill

by @snavej

Noun

hill to die on (plural hills to die on)

(idiomatic) An issue to pursue with wholehearted conviction and/or single-minded focus, with little or no regard to the cost.

X~X~X

And so our story begins…

Okay, so if you’ve been around the fandom on Tumblr/Fanfiction.net, you will probably have seen me write “Oliver is autistic, I will die on this hill” on a post or story. If you have not, then, you have now. Congrats.

I came to this revelation maybe three years ago now. I had been in a discussion with some fandom friends and something in the conversation had made me wonder if Oliver was autistic.

We’ve all seen the cliche representations of autistic people in the media, especially those coded as such without explicit confirmation. For example, Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory. These characters are often there for comedic value, where we, the audience, laugh at them for their disability. The shows get away with it because they never explicitly state the character is autistic. 

I’m getting off track already.

So after the discussion mentioned before, I went away and began my research - to Google! Now, I have to admit, part of my curiosity regarding this matter is because I have been told I write Oliver well. Personally, I feel I write him a little OOC, but I like how I write him so it doesn’t bother me. I write Oliver as a version of myself. So my thought patterns at the time were that if Oliver was autistic, could I be too?

Oh yes, you thought you were just here for an educational piece about autism? Nope, you’re getting the whole damn story as to why I will die on this hill.

So I did my research and I found lists of signs of autism. I devoured internet articles and soon it was all I was interested in. I even bought a book titled ‘Aspergirls’ by Rudy Simone (who is autistic). If any of you read this piece and start wondering if you’re autistic (and you’re female, more on gender later!), I cannot recommend this book highly enough. I literally cried reading it.

The signs!

Okay so what are all these signs, let’s start a list! Autistic people can have:

Rituals that they refuse to change,

Odd or repetitive movements,

Unusual sensory reactions,

Be clumsy or awkward,

Nervous in large social groups,

Have a hard time making friends,

Speak in unusual ways or with an odd tone of voice,

Talk only about themselves/their interests,

Have narrow, often obsessive interests,

Want to be alone, or want to interact but not know how,

Avoid eye contact,

Have a hard time understanding body language,

Have trouble understanding other people’s feelings or talking about their own feelings,

Poor/abnormal posture, often sit on chairs oddly,

Trouble with left, right and other directions,

Large or unique vocabulary,

Lack of organisation,

Intense compassion/empathy,

Intense anger or no anger at all,

Connections with animals,

Difficulty understanding pop culture, styles, trends, etc.

Rigid in their ways,

Easily distressed,

Delayed speech and language,

Lack of imitation of others or imaginative play,

Indifferent to the feelings of others,

Sensitive to light and sound,

Self-stimulatory behaviours (stimming)

Echolalia (repeating or echoing words or phrases)

Unusual emotional responses,

Meltdowns,

Responds adversely to physical affections,

Does not initiate conversation,

Very poor diet,

Frequently walks on tiptoes,

Socially withdrawn/socially awkward,

Self-injurious behaviour,

Makes irrelevant remarks,

Difficulty with abstract language and concepts,

Need for sameness,

Severe upset when routines are disrupted,

Attachment to unusual objects,

Fascination with spinning objects,

Good memory for repeating lists or facts,

Unlikely to discriminate against someone on basis of race/gender/age etc.

Unlikely to give superior status to the wealthy or those high up in an organisation,

Have their own set of values,

Can hyperfocus,

Struggle to separate themselves from their work,

Lack the ability to filter information received, 

Alexithymia - the inability to describe emotions in a verbal manner,

Likes patterns, putting things in order,

Often limits diet,

Often wears the same clothes,

Black or white thinking,

Auditory processing disorder…

Okay, I’ll stop there. I could probably go on if I wanted to, because although I’ve written a lot of things there, these are all manifestations of the clinical diagnosis criteria.

X~X~X

Diagnostic Criteria for 299.00 Autism Spectrum Disorder

Persistent deficits in social communication and social interaction across multiple contexts, as manifested by the following, currently or by history (examples are illustrative, not exhaustive; see text):

Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity, ranging, for example, from abnormal social approach and failure of normal back-and-forth conversation; to reduced sharing of interests, emotions, or affect; to failure to initiate or respond to social interactions.

Deficits in nonverbal communicative behaviours used for social interaction, ranging, for example, from poorly integrated verbal and nonverbal communication; to abnormalities in eye contact and body language or deficits in understanding and use of gestures; to a total lack of facial expressions and nonverbal communication.

Deficits in developing, maintaining, and understand relationships, ranging, for example, from difficulties adjusting behaviour to suit various social contexts; to difficulties in sharing imaginative play or in making friends; to absence of interest in peers.

Specify current severity:

Severity is based on social communication impairments and restricted, repetitive patterns of behaviour.

Restricted, repetitive patterns of behaviour, interests, or activities, as manifested by at least two of the following, currently or by history (examples are illustrative, not exhaustive; see text):

Stereotyped or repetitive motor movements, use of objects, or speech (e.g., simple motor stereotypes, lining up toys or flipping objects, echolalia, idiosyncratic phrases).

Insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns of verbal or nonverbal behaviour (e.g., extreme distress at small changes, difficulties with transitions, rigid thinking patterns, greeting rituals, need to take same route or eat same food every day).

Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus (e.g., strong attachment to or preoccupation with unusual objects, excessively circumscribed or perseverative interests).

Hyper- or hyporeactivity to sensory input or unusual interest in sensory aspects of the environment (e.g. apparent indifference to pain/temperature, adverse response to specific sounds or textures, excessive smelling or touching of objects, visual fascination with lights or movement).

Specify current severity:

Severity is based on social communication impairments and restricted, repetitive patterns of behaviour.

Symptoms must be present in the early developmental period (but may not become fully manifest until social demands exceed limited capacities, or may be masked by learned strategies in later life).

Symptoms cause clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of current functioning.

These disturbances are not better explained by intellectual disability (intellectual developmental disorder) or global developmental delay. Intellectual disability and autism spectrum disorder frequently co-occur; to make comorbid diagnoses of autism spectrum disorder and intellectual disability, social communication should be below that expected for general developmental level.

Note: Individuals with a well-established DSM-IV diagnosis of autistic disorder, Asperger’s disorder, or pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified should be given the diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder. Individuals who have marked deficits in social communication, but whose symptoms do not otherwise meet criteria for autism spectrum disorder, should be evaluated for social (pragmatic) communication disorder.

Taken from: https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/autism/hcp-dsm.html

X~X~X

Back to the story

So I went to my doctor after all of this reading. I was convinced. Nothing had ever made so much sense to me in my entire life as reading about autism.

I was, at this point, what people in the autism community call “self-diagnosed”. Now I was lucky, I could go on to get a “proper” diagnosis. Not everyone is as lucky. Many doctors do not believe that girls/women can be autistic. Many doctors do not believe that ethnic minorities can be autistic. Many doctors do not believe adults can be autistic. In some countries, people do not have free healthcare and so they cannot afford a diagnosis. There are many reasons why people can’t/won’t get diagnosed.

The point I’m trying to make is that if you see someone posting about being self-diagnosed, don’t be all “oh but a doctor hasn’t said it so you’re not”, because that person does not need your doubt and it does not help anyone. Their self-diagnosis helps them to navigate their life and it does not hurt anyone. Honestly, the amount of people that are “wrong” about their self-diagnosis is probably very small, and those that are probably have some other kind of neurodivergent condition such as ADHD.

Anyway, my doctor gave me a form to fill in, a questionnaire. A series of questions aimed very much at the male expression of autism. I felt horrible at the time, because I knew exactly how to answer these questions to fill the boxes required. I knew because I had read so much about autism that I knew what they wanted to hear.

I filled it in honestly. I scored highly enough anyway.

My doctor did not know who to refer me to. She had never had to refer an adult before. She asked around and found out what to do; I got put on a waiting list.

A while later, at work, I found out I could get tested privately and work would pay for it. Oh, how I love my job. I spoke to someone who had been the manager of another employee who had gone through the process. That helped.

I talked to the man who was supposed to be the disability advisor, he made me fill in the same questionnaire that my doctor did. I filled it in again.

I was on another waiting list.

The advisor had also recommended me a book, which I bought and read and hated. The language used very much implied that I would never be ‘great’, just ‘coping’. It was written by a neurotypical person. I told the advisor by email that this book was stupid and damaging. He did not reply.

Months later, the private assessment happened. I spent an entire day with a clinical psychologist and a speech and language therapist. My parents and manager came too. I answered questions, had to explain things to them, made up stories with random objects. My parents, mainly my mother, talked about my childhood.

At the end of it all, they decided I was autistic.

I was ecstatic.

The day before, a person at work said I was a hypochondriac. One of those people who read about conditions on the internet and convince myself that I have them. I still do not talk to that person.

Finally, everything made sense. Finally, I had a reason why people made fun of me for reasons I could not fathom. Finally, my weirdness had a name.

X~X~X

The Gender Issue

So there is a ‘gender issue’ with autism and it’s diagnosis. Everything is aimed at young (white) boys. It’s designed for the stereotype of the young boy who likes to collect trains. And that’s why there are five times as many autistic boys in comparison with girls.

People of colour, women and girls are very often undiagnosed or misdiagnosed.

Generalised anxiety disorder, depression, OCD, social anxiety disorder, panic disorder, various eating disorders, borderline personality disorder, ADHD…

The list goes on.

Now, that’s not to say many girls don’t have these things. Often they do. But often they have those and autism.

I very much doubt there is five times as many autistic boys. I think there are just a hell of a lot of women and girls who are undiagnosed.

Why this disparity? Well, autism presents differently in girls, or perhaps, society sees it differently.

When a young boy is quiet and withdrawn, happy to play by themselves, something is wrong. When a girl is quiet and withdrawn, she’s just shy. There’s also a lot of evidence to suggest that girls are a lot better at masking their autism.

Essentially, due to the societal pressure on young girls, they hide their autism and mimic their peers. That’s why the most common time for a woman to get diagnosed with autism is when she has children of her own and they’re getting diagnosed.

Is it genetic? There’s no strict evidence of an ‘autistic’ gene, I don’t think. But its quite common. When I was getting tested, I gave the previously mentioned book to my mother and said, “Hey, can you read this, I think I have this”. My mother read the book and told me she thought she had given it to me. She got tested two months ago.

I also look at my father and see many of the traits. But he has no interest in getting tested.

If you’re intersted, google “autism in girls” or something similar, there are plenty of resources.

The result

So I have my diagnosis, my work is fully informed. I am now protected by the Disability Act. I can’t use disabled parking spaces, but some autistic people can, if they need it.

What does this mean for me? It means that my employer has to make adjustments for me to make me comfortable for work. Changing the lighting, giving me a quiet place to work, working with me on deadlines and stuff. They know now (officially) that I have issues with auditory processing, and that they should take that into account.

I’m lucky, my employer has been good about this, and it is in their interest to. Autistic people can be an asset to any company. They are often experts in their chosen field and will work solidly on stuff they enjoy.

Lots of autistic people are not as lucky. They are one of the highest unemployed groups. Workplaces are full of unwritten rules that are hard for autistic people. This brings me on to…

Autism Acceptance Month

April is Autism Acceptance Month. You may see this as Autism Awareness Month in some places. But I don’t like that. “Awareness months” and “awareness days” are often reserved for horrible diseases like cancer, for which we want a cure.

There are a lot of resources out there from damaging institutions this month, such as Autism Speaks. They are advocating for a cure and also promote ABA (a type of ‘therapy’ that is disgusting and should not be allowed). If you take anything from all this, please do not support Autism Speaks.

There is no cure for Autism. It is a developmental disorder. It’s not a disease.

If you wanna do something for Autism Acceptance Month, there are some resources here: https://www.autism.org.uk/get-involved/world-autism-awareness-week.aspx

But what about the vaccines?

Of course, I cannot talk about autism without mentioning the vaccines!

In the 90s, about 1 in 150 children were diagnosed with autism, by the early 2000’s, this went up to 1 in 68. One of the big things that had changed in this time was the number of vaccines children had. 

There have been many studies regarding autism and vaccines. And there was one that said there was a link between autism and vaccines. In this study, there were 12 subjects.

Now I do statistics for a day job. So I can tell you categorically, that 12 subjects for a study is not enough for decisive proof. The person who did this study was struck off and rightly so.

But the media got hold of this idea.

And so the anti-vaxxers rose up, refusing to vaccinate their children from deadly diseases because obviously, being autistic was worse than being dead.

In summary, vaccinate your children.

Side note, I, as an autistic person, am allowed to make jokes about vaccines. For example, I received some vaccinations before travelling and joked with the nurse that I was ‘topping up my autism’. This is funny because we both knew it was wrong.

‘Autistic person’ vs ‘person with autism’

This one is a tricky one. I’ve seen arguments both ways.

‘Person with autism’ puts the person first, but also makes the autism sound like an accessory. 

‘Autistic person’ puts the disability first, but you can’t separate the person from the autism, it’s intrinsic to who they are.

Basically, this is up to the person. If they prefer one way or the other, use it. It’s like pronouns, you use what the person you’re talking about asks you to use.

Personally, I’m not too fussy, but I lean towards ‘autistic person’. 

Asperger’s vs Autism

Asperger’s was merged into the general Autism diagnosis criteria a while back. Asperger’s is what is sometimes called ‘high functioning autism’. The autism community do not like the term ‘high functioning’ because it denies aid, in the same way that ‘low functioning’ denies agency. The criteria for ‘low functioning’ is having an IQ under 70. So it’s quite broad.

Also people who have been classified as ‘high functioning’ don’t necessarily function well in everyday life without help.

Also, Hans Asperger’s was a bit of a knobhead, so a lot of people don’t like using his name.

Headcanons

A headcanon is a fan’s personal, idiosyncratic interpretation of canon, such as habits of a character, the backstory of a character, or the nature of relationships between characters. The term comes from the fact that it is the canon that exists in a fan’s head.

So when I say ‘Oliver is autistic’, this is my personal headcanon. Do I want it to become fanon? Yes, of course, I do. In the same way, I love that Yasuhara x Gene has become popular (for which I take full responsibility).

But if you disagree with it, that’s fine. You’re allowed to do that. I will not think any less of you for it. Because at the end of the day, the author has not come out and said ‘Oliver is autistic’.

Personally, as an autistic writer, who has always written some of her characters as autistic, whether she knew it or not, I suspect the author of Ghost Hunt might be an undiagnosed autistic person. Because Oliver is not the only person I recognise traits in… But that’s for another day.

If you only take one thing away from reading all of this, then let it be this:

If you’ve met one autistic person, that’s it. You have met ONE autistic person.

We’re all different, just like everyone else.

And now for what you’ve all been waiting for…

Continued in Part TWO 

[hippriestess]

Part 3 - “ I thought we had some kind of agreement but with you it was just prurience”

So, where were we. Ah yes....Record Store Day 2019.

It was, perhaps inevitably, a heavy day for Fall fans. Lead-in times both for the manufacture of vinyl records and for participation in RSD are such that Smith's death came too late for the impact to be evident in the 2018 event but for 2019, we were absolutely flooded in a way that caused some, quite rightly, to question the judgement of the organisers in allowing so many obvious vultures to swoop in for an easy bite. 

The “monitor mixes” from the 2CD edition of “The Unutterable” were pressed to vinyl for the first time. “Whoo-fucking-pee” quoth the faithful and you will have absolutely no difficulty acquiring it today should you be down to few enough marbles for it to seem like a good investment. BMG hold the rights to the group's Rough Trade recordings and went with a box set of five 7” singles under the awful title “Medicine For The Masses”. This was the exact same format as “The Rough Trade Singles Box” from 2002 although with the bonus of containing the correct Peel Session versions of “Container Drivers” and “New Puritan” (Castle/Sanctuary had updated the 5 disc CD edition once they had acquired the rights to the BBC tracks but the vinyl edition of Italy's Earmark Records retained the Grotesque and Totale's Turns versions used in the initial pressings). Given not only that none of this material is any way scarce but that an excellent single LP release had been given to all 10 tracks in the box (Peel takes included) by US imprint Superior Viaduct in 2018, it was perhaps inevitable that “Medicine For The Masses” pretty much flopped on the day and can now be acquired brand new for a good £10 less than the asking price on the day itself.

Ah yes, Superior Viaduct, let's not forget them. A well-regarded reissue label with a smattering of current artists, they had already issued some Fall vinyl in 2016/2017, putting all the studio albums up to ��Perverted By Language” back onto vinyl as well as the first 2 singles and the eternally category-defying “Slates” 10”. Following Smith's passing, they have (almost) completed the task with the aforementioned “Rough Trade Singles” LP and a new pressing of “Totale's Turns”. These editions have been very well received and have been praised for the quality both of the mastering and of the pressings but they remain largely inaccessible to UK fans due to licensing restrictions preventing the editions from being imported. As such, you'll hafta pick these up on a one-to-one basis off your own bat.

Right, back to Record Store Day 2019. We also had the “opportunity” to buy a number of live albums. 5 of them, in fact. All of these had previously been released on CD towards the end of 2018...so this was going to be called Crap Rap Part 14 but it's now called “Stop Releasing Every Gig You Can Find On Some Mouldy Third Generation Maxell C90 on a double LP”

Live albums have always been canon with The Fall. “Totale's Turns” was their 3rd LP release, “Live In London 1980” was issued by Chaos Tapes with the group's permission in 1982, “Fall In A Hole” was allowed until copies were exported. We had “Seminal Live” and “The 27 Points” mixing live with studio, as did “I Am Kurious Oranj” with several tracks recorded during the original Edinburgh run of the ballet. Even the “Perverted By Language Bis” video was largely live material. Even once the shark was jumped in the late 90s/early 00s with the endless recycling of those outtake/live compilations, there were official live missives, such as the excellent “Last Night At The Palais” in 2009, the wonderfully titled but patchy “Uurop VIII-XII Places in Sun & Winter, Son” in 2014 though to the terrible “Live In Clitheroe” in 2017. So, all in, it comes as no surprise at all that over 20 more live albums have been added to The Fall's discography since Smith's sad departure from this realm.

There were no less than 5 live albums dumped merrily onto the shelves for RSD 2019, 3 of them doubles. On their own, this would have been an outlay of over £100...in fact, if you wanted the full RSD Fall, you'd have had little or no change on the day from £250. For exactly no unreleased music. No unreleased music? What were these live albums then? Let's wind back to late in 2018... (I told you this was tough to do in any kind of linear fashion).

Arriving via the PledgeMusic site, “Set Of Ten” released by “Cog Sinister”, worked like this: 10 previously unreleased live recordings were contained in a sturdy square box with spiffy new artwork from Pascal LeGras. The tariff? £100. Ouch. Now, a handful of them were announced as separate releases, however, if you bought the box you would receive an exclusive disc – a recording from Derby, 1994. Cometh the hour, the Derby CD was one of the first to be released on its own. Huh.

A small amount of digging revealed that this set was the work of Rob Ayling. With the dates running from 1980 to 1999, the general opinion re: Set Of Ten was that these tapes were very likely to be in Ayling's possession due to the “Live From The Vaults” series on Voiceprint, Ayling's previous imprint, from 2005. When that series was announced, the five releases were said to be simply the first batch.  It could therefore be deduced that these tapes had been destined for future batches. At the time, there was a minor dust-up over them and no further volumes were issued. Whatever the motivations, presenting an 11 CD set of old bootlegs with so little quality control being put into the audio and asking £100 for it felt like cold ash in the mouth. Worse still, PledgeMusic went bust before many customers could receive their sets, leaving them to either claim chargebacks on their credit cards or simply out of pocket as ordinary creditors to the failed business. It must have been galling for those who lost money to see the CDs arriving on their own and several cut onto expensive vinyl.

I've picked up a couple of the CDs separately and these have been largely fine. Recording quality is listenable but obviously audience derived. The best one by far of those I've heard is “Live 23rd June 1981 @ Jimmy's Music Club New Orleans”, a great recording of a full-tilt Fall performance from a critical time in their existence (pictured) . There's a palpable tension, possibly due to the return of Burns, brought back not just out of practicalities but also to even the group up a bit, now that Smith was beginning to reconsider the wisdom of having a team of childhood friends for a group. Rehiring Burns was designed to put some grit back into the machine and it worked. Having a full set from this line-up is a worthy addition to the canon and it should be snapped up before it vanishes – this is the only one of the “Set Of Ten” CDs that seems to be thin on the ground. The artwork and credits show the level of care taken over the release; that is – pretty much none. The CD artwork has the 6 piece “Hex” line-up – Karl Burns is the only drummer here as Paul Hanley was at home doing his O Levels. However, the sleeve credits Paul Hanley and not Burns, adding a credit for Duncan Burndred, who was the group's driver at the time. The info had been sourced from the “Slates & Dates” press release which credited Burndred with “the rest” (ie anything other than music and management). Likely pilfered from thefall.org, this missive was retooled for the artwork without any real consideration.

However, it seems there was sufficient demand out there and, cometh the tail end of 2019, cometh another Set of Ten, given the snappy title...”Another Set Of Ten”. They must have been up all fucking night thinking of that one. Again, it has 11 discs. It does get interesting here insofar as most of the tapes come from between 2009 and 2013 suggesting not only that there wasn't much left from the original “Vaults”- destined batch but also making it unclear from whom these tapes were being licenced. They are, of course, under no obligation to discuss such matters publicly and, indeed the current incarnation of Cog Sinister would likely feel aggrieved at having the question asked. They are, after all, a legitimate enterprise. 

A quick skwizz at the Discogs page tells you that “Another Set Of Ten” is not a triumph; all the tapes are listed as being audience tapes, one disc has just six songs from the gig and several others are also incomplete and/or mislabelled. The main contributor to the Discogs entry (to whom, hello!) notes that the tracklistings appear to be taken from photographs of setlists uploaded to thefall.org's justly revered and thoroughly sublime gigography but, where the setlist didn't match what was played, no attempt has been made to correct this. They haven't even matched up the content with the tracklistings!!! At time of writing, these ones are just starting to slip into the shops on their own, possibly Covid delayed as you could get them via online retailers for a while. The cover for a Manchester gig from 2009 looked like a sick joke and it was hard not to think similar (albeit at lower pitch) about the inclusion of an infamous Motherwell gig at which MES was completely plastered and Brix had quit the band an hour or so before the show. What's next? Worthing? Brownies?

Yet it is very hard not to be continually tempted. There's some juicy setlists in these discs and the artwork at least has some effort – Pascal LeGras has done a very fine job here and his art certainly gives the right feel to the releases. I'm guessing that was the plan. I’ve got my eye on a few. It’s a disease this, I tell you...

Anyway, one way of the other, 5 of the “Set Of Ten” discs found their way onto vinyl on RSD, courtesy of reissue imprint Let Them Eat Vinyl and all of these are still easy to score, should you wish. The whole Gonzo/Let Them Eat Vinyl hookup is interesting for scholars of who-owns-what in terms of The Fall's catalogue. As above, we know that BMG have the Rough Trade recordings but LTEV's “Grotesque”, issued in 2017, states it is licensed by Sanctuary.

LTEV have also been putting some of the other lesser releases from the catalogue onto vinyl, including 2 mid 90's live albums (Phoenix 1995 and “The Idiot Joy Show” - nothing that was wasn't available for buttons on CD in the early 00s) as well as “Interim”, the demos and live cobble-together that attempted to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory in 2004. The latter had never been pressed to vinyl before and with bloody good reason.  Yr mileage, as always, may vary.

Whilst not The Fall, acolytes will doubtless want to know that Ed Blaney issued a 2CD edition of “The Train”, containing the full 40-minute “(Part Three)” CD, a similarly lengthed alternate version and a clutch of remixes. Blaney also uploaded a properly touching tribute to Smith on YouTube, including reminiscences with other friends of Smith.

One more part to come, in which we burn the spotlight of shame onto a couple of the worst products ever to have had the name The Fall unwillingly emblazoned upon their sleeves and take a quick look over some of what we know is in the pipeline.

[sammyspreadyourwings]

Harmony in my head (love in my heart)

I am a simple author, I see a soulmate AU prompt and I write it. And much to my surprise, I have an entry for Maycury week day 1, so that’s exciting. Everything will be cross-posted to AO3!

Their language is music.

Brian isn’t entirely surprised, but he reads every dissertation that he can on the Language of Soulmates and why one would be chosen over the other. Outside influences? Internal influences? Fate? The last one seems impossible and so many scholars agree that because soulmates are rarely a decade apart that it’s a combination of both, what culture is rising at the time and a common interest.

Most people have a shared spoken tongue. A few people, predominately within the deaf community, form a visual language. Brian reads about Languages because he’s never heard anyone have the language of music. Lyrics, yes, but that’s an offshoot spoken languages. No, theirs is in scales and chords and keys.

Always has been even before Brian heard his first guitar and they communicated in xylophone notes. They sort of formed a code. But then Brian fell in love with guitars and his soulmate fell in love with, he guesses, piano. Then their conversations became a continuous ebb and flow of emotions.

His tended to stay within minor keys and frequently followed a diminuendo because he didn’t want to bother his soulmate. He learned in his youth that their time zones hadn’t quite lined up, but then one day, he was hearing his soulmates music at the same time he thought of a questioning crescendo.

Brian soon learned that his soulmates music was typically a major key espressivo, but it wasn’t uncommon to hear a cacophony of notes, scattering Brian’s thoughts as effectively as nails on a chalkboard. It takes him years to realize that was the noise his soulmate made when they were anxious.

While his classmates had learned all about their soulmates, because they could get such simple things as addresses and names and favorite colors, Brian started composing songs matching his day and emotions. Occasionally, on very good songs, he would add lyrics. Excited to say everything he’s ever put into the shared music in their head to his soulmate when he meets them.

The first day he plays the Fireplace in all of her glory, varnished and sealed, he heard a crescendo in his head. Unaware that he can translate the sound of his guitar into the music of his head. He shouldn’t be surprised but then he feels a soft song swirl around his head, littered with excited sharps.

He smiles and plays more on the Fireplace, and each round is followed by a mirroring song. The excitement is palpable, and Brian can’t wait to combine their music in the real world.

At twenty-one, Brian nearly thinks Roger is his soulmate. The blond talks about hearing music in his head too, but when pressed his talks about it being very rhythmic, steady.

“Something a drummer like you would like, eh?” Brian laughs.

Roger rolls his eyes, “at least I know they can stay on time. I think they might play bass.”

“You should find them and then recruit them into our band.”

“Wouldn’t Tim get upset?” Roger raises an eyebrow.

“His vocals are better than his playing,” Brian shrugs.

It isn’t saying much. Brian hates to think it, but sometimes he wonders if Tim treats music with the same seriousness that he and Roger do. They learn that he does when he bids them a fond farewell before jumping to a band called Humpy Bong.

“Should we be offended?” Roger asks, “or take this as a new start?”

“Find that bassist of yours and we’ll see,” Brian counters.

“Well, you find your pianist.”

“I think they sing now.”

“Oh, you can hear both?” Roger tilts his head, “I think mine can hear my vocals, but I never hear theirs.”

“Maybe they just don’t sing?”

Brian pops open a beer and takes a long sip. Roger shrugs and steals his bottle. He pretends to be offended for a second before his attention is captured by a new song from his soulmate. It’s catchy, and Brian sinks into it. Closing his eyes and bobbing to it.

“I think we need to find yours mate,” Roger tilts his head.

He’s about to comment on Roger’s unusual seriousness when a wide grin splits the blond’s face, “because then you might have something else to bob on.”

“Oh, piss off.”

“And leave you lonely? What kind of friend would I be?” Roger clutches at his chest.

“A good one,” Brian grumbles.

Roger barks out a laugh and then hands the bottle back in a peace offering. Brian smiles fondly and thinks that life won’t be so bad if he has Roger at his side. Musical genius soulmate or not.

“Oh, speaking of friends, you still haven’t met my flat mate, Freddie?”

“I haven’t.”

“We’ll have lunch tomorrow,” Roger says, “stop by. Freddie’s mum gave us curry last time he stopped by.”

Brian grimaces.

“Don’t worry, most of it is vegetables,” Roger takes the bottle back, “although I really don’t understand why you’re on this kick.”

He opens his mouth. Roger sticks the bottle in it, “doesn’t mean I want the lecture.”

Brian finishes off the beer and then sticks his tongue out at Roger. The imp just keeps smiling before staring off into space with a cocked head. The smile shrinks into something delicate.

“They’re happy that I’m happy.”

“Mine’s composing.”

“Tragic.”

⭐⭐⭐

He shows up at Roger’s flat with a bottle of wine, even though it’s a casual lunch this is his first introduction and his mother’s lessons about manners scream in his head. Bring wine if nothing else. Red, because most people eat red meat so it’s a safe guess. Flowers if there’s a woman. Don’t slouch!

Brian straightens as the door opens. He had also bought flowers, even though he knows Freddie is a man. Roger is usually thrilled to have something in his flat that isn’t brown, matte, or disgusting.

Roger laughs, “this isn’t a first date, Bri.”

“Damn, I wore my good trousers too,” he laughs.

“Oh? They’ll look good on my carpet, that is?”

He tosses his hair. It’s not straightened for once since it took him so long to pick out the exact brand of wine to purchase. Tim (and doesn’t it get awkward at times when they still live together) is probably going to ask about the seven different wine catalogs on their kitchen table he borrowed from their neighbor.

“I hear I’m quite the conversation starter.”

Roger rolls his eyes, “come on then, curly boy. Woo me.”

“Have you raised your standards?”

He ducks to avoid Roger’s swat but then realizes his mistake when he ducked straight into the hand. Roger tilts his head up in victory, before strutting off to the kitchen.

“Freddie! Come here! We’re day drinking!” “On Sunday?”

His soulmate starts up with an amused etude. Brian tilts his head, wondering how badly he is causing a cacophony in his soulmate’s head.

“Absolutely scandalous.”

“What’s scandalous is you not wearing pants! We have company!”

Brian flushes when Freddie struts out into the walkway in nothing more than a silk robe and boxers. He looks away to conserve some of Freddie’s modesty before looking at him anyway. Freddie is gorgeous. His jaw pops open. Roger is stunning, but Freddie is just as stunning, if not more. Especially with how he has kohl framing his eyes.

“Oh, you didn’t tell me we had a man over,” Freddie blows him a kiss.

A flirty harmony starts in his head. Harmony? Brian frowns. Is his soulmate flirting with someone? He feels jealous for a moment, before getting distracted by Freddie strutting towards him.

“Hello.”

Brian squeaks. What does he even say? You’re gorgeous. I’m Brian. Okay. Flirting or classic. Simple. He can do this.

“I’m gorgeous,” is what comes out of his mouth.

Roger lets out a strangled noise before bursting out laughing. A loud thud tells him that Roger has fallen off his perch. Brian looks up to the sky in mortification. The etude is back, with a slightly shy tilt to it now. His is probably a dirge because he wants to die. He had one chance to not completely mess this up.

“You certainly are,” Freddie winks, “can I get your name, gorgeous?”

All he has to say is Brian.

“You’re Brian.”

Fuck.

Brian feels tears prick at the corner of his eyes. Roger is still cackling in the background.

“No, I’m Freddie.”

Freddie is just smiling at him. Staring at him in wonder, even. Brian smiles a little sheepishly.

“Want to try again?”

“Not in particular. I think I’ve made enough of a nonce out of myself.”

“Nonsense, Roger’s done that plenty for you already.”

For some reason, the embarrassment melts away as the song in his head grows gentle, entrancing. A love song. What the fuck is happening?

Brian decides that too much is happening.

He takes a deep breath and extends a hand, the one with the flowers, “I’m Brian May, and it’s a pleasure to finally meet you.”

“It is a pleasure,” Freddie purrs.

Roger stops laughing abruptly, popping over the back of the couch, “oy! I said you can’t fuck him the first time you meet him!”

“Unfortunately, your descriptions gave me an entirely different person in my head, and therefore our deal is void!”

Brian smiles wryly. At least today will be interesting.

⭐⭐⭐

Much to Roger’s chagrin, they do end up making eyes at each other for the entire lunch, which sends the blond to the nearest pub to nurse his wounds from being ignored.

“I’m going to find someone to love me! Freddie, don’t break Brian!”

Things were awkward without their third party. Freddie turns from a charismatic personality into something Brian is more comfortable dealing with. He does much better with shy personalities and quieter people as a whole. Roger is an outlier, but he does have his calm moments.

“So, what’s your language?” Brian asks.

That’s a thing people ask strangers, right? Or was that just a secondary school thing? Ah, well, he can’t get a much worse opinion than his first introduction.

“Music,” Freddie says dreamily.

Brian blinks, “same here.” “I can't wait to meet him,” Freddie says, “he sounds quite interesting. Sad, though. Brilliant too.”

“I understand that my soulmate is going through a very… fantastic mood right now. They all sound sort of dream-like? A fantasy.”

Freddie perks up, “think you could play something of that?”

“My guitar is in my car,” Brian gestures, “I couldn’t play it on the piano to save me. I can play the piano though, just. Not like that.”

Brian hurries out to his car. Excited that hasn’t blown this badly enough that Freddie still wants to try making music with him. Roger had mentioned when he called earlier that he wants to ask Freddie to join Smile as Tim’s replacement.

He climbs up with his case. Freddie tilts his head as he examines the Old Lady.

“What is that guitar? Roger said it was homemade, but I didn’t think it was anything special.”

Brian feels offended, and tries to push it to the side, “she’s incredible.”

He plugs into one of the spare amps Roger must’ve stolen from one of their shows. Brian spends a few seconds tuning, and strumming. Freddie sits on the couch, chin on his hands, smile bright.

They nod and Brian launches into the first song that he can think of. He stumbles over the chords in unfamiliarity. The guitar responds eagerly, singing out her song. His soulmate song filters into his thoughts, but he doesn’t pay much attention to it. Freddie is putting his hand over Brian’s.

“Huh?”

“I should’ve gone to one of your shows earlier,” Freddie mumbles.

“Why is that?” Brian tilts his head.

“Because then I would’ve known that your guitar is the guitar.”

“I don’t follow?”

“My soulmate’s guitar.”

“That’s impossible, she’s the only one like this in Britain. The world probably. One of a kind.” Freddie raises an eyebrow.

Brian frowns. Thinks about the words for a moment. Then his eyes widen, “oh.”

Freddie laughs, “Roger mentioned you’re a little daft, despite your intelligence.”

Brian shrugs. Freddie is reaching out to touch his face softly.

“So, you’re my soulmate.”

“I suppose so,” Brian looks away with a flush, “er, I don’t exactly know what happens now.”

“We can kiss or continue playing or never speak to each other again,” Freddie shrugs, folding in on himself.

Brian considers his options for a second, “I want to continue playing and then kiss. I guess we could kiss first, but I want to make our music finally.”

Freddie smiles at him, for the first time since they’ve met he doesn’t cover his lips. Brian echoes the look; a happy song harmonizes in his head and he leans forward to place a light kiss on Freddie’s cheek.

“I wonder how amazing we’ll be.”

“Oh, we’re going to be fucking rock stars, darling.”

He can’t wait.

[thatfanficstuff]

Battle Scars - 12

Pairing: Tony Stark x Soulmate!Reader

Warnings: angst, people being stupid

A/N: As always, thanks for all the love. 

***

When Jarvis announced that the jet would be landing momentarily, you made your way to the hangar. You stood to the side, arms crossed over your chest as you watched the team unload. Your gaze ran over them, relief flooding through you when you saw only the typical minor injuries.

Your friends shouted their hellos until they got close enough to see the bruising on your face. “What happened?” Clint demanded.

They gathered around you with a variety of concerned expressions. “Was it Bucky?” Steve asked in a low voice. “He said there was an incident.”

You rolled your eyes. “It wasn’t that big of a deal, Steve and no, this isn’t from Bucky.”

“Then what—”

Bruce cut Steve off as he steered the team toward the hall where their lockers were. “When she wants to tell us, she’ll tell us.” He stopped at the door and glanced over at you. “He went in upstairs. Good luck.”

You nodded once and hurried up to Tony’s floor, not wanting to lose the little nerve you had left. When you arrived in his apartment, you didn’t see any sign of him. “Tony?” you called.

“I’ll be right there.”

With your arms crossed over your chest, you wandered over to the window to glance out at the city below. His floor wasn’t that much higher than your own, but something about the view up here was just better.

“There’s my girl,” he announced as he came into the room and you were suddenly terrified.

What if he was disappointed that you were his soulmate? He’d try to hide it if he was, but you’d know.  God, why did you think any of this was a good idea? Coming to New York, finding Tony Stark, going to work for him, it was all a horrible idea.

Tony let out a soft laugh behind you, closer now but still plenty of distance between the two of you. “You going to turn around, sweetheart?”

Knowing you couldn’t hide from him forever, you turned. His eyes went wide as he saw you and he closed the distance between you in several long strides. He laid his hand along the unbruised side of your face and his eyes searched you as if looking for any other injury. “What the hell happened, baby?”

You darted out your tongue to moisten your lips. “I was hoping you could tell me.”

His brow furrowed in confusion. You saw the moment he made the connection. The fingers of his free hand trailed over his own bruising. “Do you mean…”

He trailed off and you nodded in answer to the unfinished question.

A smile, brighter than any you’d ever seen from him, crossed his face. You only had a moment to appreciate it before he cupped your face in his hands and pressed his lips to yours. The kiss was happy, you really couldn’t think of a better word to describe it. After a moment he pulled away and pressed his forehead to yours. “When did you realize?”

“What?” you asked, needing him to clarify as you were still in a daze from his kiss.

He laughed again and linked his fingers with yours to pull you over to the couch. You both sat, your knees touching as you turned toward each other. His fingers stayed intertwined with yours. “When did you know you were my soulmate? Was it after you saw the reactor? I can only imagine the scarring you have there. I’m sorry about that.” He frowned. “Wait. My shoulder. Your shoulder.”

A second later, he was turning you so he could lift your shirt to see the bruising on your back. His fingers ran over it causing you to shiver as he tickled your skin. “What happened? You were scared. I felt it.”

“I woke Bucky up from a nightmare, stupidly getting in his space to do so. When he shoved me backward, I hit the doorframe.”

“He what?” His voice was low, little more than a growl and you weren’t certain you had ever heard him so angry.

You spun quickly and grabbed his hands in yours. “I’m fine. It was instinct. He didn’t mean to hurt me and he feels terrible.”

“He should,” Tony snapped. Once he took in the look on your face, he relaxed a bit. “I’m sorry. I’ve spent most of my life worrying about a woman I didn’t even know. Then you show up and suddenly all I can think about is you. And now, I find out you’re the same person. I’m bound to be a little protective.”

His thumbs ran along the back of your hands. “Now, for the third time, how did you find out? Why didn’t you tell me the moment you knew? Surely you couldn’t think I’d be anything but thrilled. I mean it’s pretty obvious that I think you’re amazing. And we’ve had this connection from the moment we met. I guess the universe does occasionally know what it’s up to.”

You pulled your hands from his and stood. When he moved to follow, you motioned him back down. You took a deep breath. “Actually, I had no idea how you would react.” You twisted your fingers together. “And no idea how to tell you. I didn’t even know you.”

Tony’s gaze was heavy as you paced the floor in front of him. “I was doing my laundry when I glanced up at the TV. You were holding a press conference I was only half listening to, but there was your face with injuries that matched my own.”

You risked a glance at Tony only to find you were unable to read him at all. He merely kept his gaze locked on you as you continued to ramble out the story. “That was when you first came home. I didn’t tell anyone. I couldn’t. No one would believe me anyway. But my parents figured it out and bought me a plane ticket to New York.”

“I tried everything I could to make contact with you, but I couldn’t get through. Finally, I just showed up and the lady at the desk mistook me for whoever you had an appointment with and, well, I guess you know the rest.”

The silence stretched as Tony simply sat there with a blank look on his face and stared at you. Finally, he stood in front of you. When you reached for him, he took a step back and you let your hand fall. “So, you knew the entire time and said nothing.”

It wasn’t a question and you didn’t know what he expected you to say anyway, so you remained quiet.

“You never once registered with any of the databases. I know because I looked for you. For years I looked. As soon as I knew you existed, I started trying to find you. The thought that someone out there was made for me. That the universe thought I was worth having a soulmate…” He trailed off and shook his head as he turned away from you.

Your heart ached as you watched him try to calm himself down. He ran a hand down his face before turning back to face you. Pain swam in his eyes causing your own sorrow to well in sympathy. “You didn’t try to find me. But once you discovered who I was, well that was a different story, wasn’t it? Tony Stark, billionaire. You can overlook a lot of shit for that much money, can’t you, sweetheart?”

Now you were pissed. You didn’t care about Tony’s money. You never had. “How exactly did you propose I go about finding you, Tony? Ninety percent of my marks were love bites and claw marks on my back. I suppose I could have made a post in one of the databases that said I was fairly certain that my soulmate had slept with everyone within twelve miles of his dick.” You’d never cared to admit how much it hurt you that your soulmate slept around so much. Especially once he was aware of your existence.

“It sounds like my sex life bothered you, but once again, we can look past that if the bank account comes with enough zeros, right? After all, that’s the most important thing about me. The money, the fame, everyone knows that.”

You could tell from the way he said it that he meant it and you were torn between being pissed at him for your own sake and being pissed that he thought so poorly of himself.

When you didn’t immediately respond, he scoffed. “Pepper told me you were up to something. I should have listened to her.”

You laughed, harsh and angry. “Yes, because Pepper Potts has no interest in either your money or your fame. Nice judge of character there, Stark.”

“I know she never asked me for a credit card when she knew me for less than 48 hours, but you go ahead and tell me how it’s not about the money, Y/N.” He shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked on his feet as he looked you over.

You barely resisted the urge to smack him across his smug little face. “I don’t think there’s any point in telling you anything. You know everything after all. Maybe I should just leave.”

A flash of panic was visible for a moment so short it was easy to convince yourself that you imagined it. “Maybe you should.”

Your jaw ached as you ground your teeth together to keep from saying anything you’d regret. His back was turned toward you as you stepped into the elevator and instructed Jarvis to take you to your floor. This was so not how you’d pictured this conversation going.

***

Battle Scars: @i-dontwikeit @thevanishedillusion @amandamartinez3568 @clumsy-hailles @little-nonny @tonystarkismyboy @redfoxwritesstuff @lowkeyofsassguard @sherlocked-whovian-1969 @tori24rose @a--1--1--3 @youclickedthislink @beckastark @confusedhada @bluehuskey2099 @kit-kat-katie99 @sexysamsungl @staringmoony @xleviiiix @inthemindofanother @buttercup337 @henrietteoaks @superwholock-fangir1 @ineedmorefanfics @bignastyfan-nz @kpoplover1306-depressedgirl315 @lilulo-12 @aqua0928 @proserpinepluto @tuliptx @fandom-princess-forevermore @xlosttdreamss @paetonnn @ingenue-q @thebeethathums

All the Things: @swanky-batman @rissyrapp20 @startrekkingaroundasgard @spooookyscary @taylordrunkonwhiskey @laneygthememequeen @collette04 @shatteredabby @thewolf-and-thesheep 

[distressindisguise]

Love, Simon: Book vs Movie

Obviously this analysis contains spoilers for the movie Love, Simon and the book Simon vs the Homosapien Agenda. I’ve literally been wanting to talk about the differences between the two for so long but my friends haven’t read the book so it’s so hard for me to share and squeal about it. If you’ve read or watched both, or just one, hopefully you enjoy this :) So let’s begin.

1.) Casting

-Simon

When I heard that Nick Robinson was going to be playing Simon, I screamed. He’s played a plethora of different characters lately from strong Ben Parrish to Cocky Olly and now Awkward Simon. He played him so well although in the book, I would say Simon was a bit more feminine. But I kind of liked the change. Nick brought a lot of himself to Simon’s character, and I think that’s the cause for the change.

- Bram

First off, I was so freaking happy they kept Bram black and Jewish. What an icon. Anyways, I think Keiynan did a great job with his character. In the books, Bram was the more “masculine” one I guess you could say. But again, I really like the change whether it was done purposely or not. I think it had to do more with who played the characters than anything.

-Nick

Honestly, I had pictured Nick differently. Nick was supposed to be an intelligent guitar player who loved Indie rock and philosophical questions while still being a star athlete. And yeah explaining it like that, I can see why they changed his character. Nick’s character was so unrealistically perfect in the books but hey, I liked cute slightly oblivious soccer Nick as well. I don’t clearly remember what Nick’s ethnicity was in the book, but I like that they kept more diversity in the film by casting Jorge Lendeborg Jr.

- Leah

I. Loved. Katherine Langford. As. Leah. I. Have. No. Complaints. She. Was. Great. She portrayed her so well and her and Nick Robinson just had such amazing chemistry. Their friendship felt so genuine, just like the books and I have no complaints at all. I was so happy you don’t understandddd. There was some differences in her character though but I’ll talk about those later because it has more to do with plot.

- Simon’s sisters

Simon had more than one sister, but only the younger one was cast. I see why, honestly. The other sister wasn’t really necessary to the plot of the movie at all. The oldest was away for most of the book and the youngest was really the only important one. The movie hadn’t really portrayed Nora as Nora to me. I can understand that change as well though, because the only interesting thing about Nora in the book was at the end when we found out that she had formed a band. Giving Nora a specific personality in the movie made a lot of sense even if it was totally different.

-Abby

No complaints. She was exactly like how I pictured Abby in the books. Only change in her character that was obvious to me was that she lived closer to Simon than I would’ve liked. There’s this whole section of the book where it talks about how the black kids who went to the school lived miles and miles away. She had to spend a long time on the bus each day just to travel to school. That fact may not seem so important but it emphasized how segregated our society still is, even if it isn’t written anywhere. I liked that detail a lot so I was pretty disappointed when it wasn’t added in the movie.

- Martin

Martin looked and acted exactly as I imagined. Martin pissed me off in the books and pissed me off in the movies. One thing I liked that the movie stressed was his kindness. In the books, it was there sure but it was overshadowed by how much everyone hated him lol. In the Movie, you still hated him but it was easier to understand where he was coming from even though what he did was still wrong.

- Ethan

He did not exist in the books, but I think it was a smart move to add him in the movie. It stressed the fact that two very different people could be gay without following the same “stereotype”. I liked the conversation he and Simon had outside of the office. It’s a conversation I think Simon would’ve needed in the books that he couldn’t get from anyone else.

2.) Plot

Here’s a list of minor and major changes I witnessed that I had not already mentioned.

-Leah was not in love with Simon. This is one thing that I hated the movie did. It was a cliche that I was happy the book stemmed away from, but at least the Movie showed how Leah wasn’t mad about it and how she was willing to move on and accept him for who he was. I liked that part, but honestly all of it could have been avoided. Fun fact: Leah drew yaoi fanart in the book. I loved that about her. She was more upset about Simon not telling her that he was gay first in the books. She felt like everyone was replacing her with Abby, and it was honestly a big slap in the face. First Abby takes her crush from her, and now her best friend? Personally, that angle of things was far more interesting to me than Leah being in love with Simon.

-Cal was actually LGBTQ+ in the books. Or at least it was assumed. He was jealous of Abby when he saw Simon hanging out with her and genuinely seemed to be into him at one point. In the Movie, he doesn’t seem to be interested in him at all.

-The mystery of who Blue is was way more complex in the books. It was harder to figure out. In the Movie I feel like they just gave it away too early. There were too many obvious hints dropped and I don’t know if that’s just because I already knew who it was, or if it really was just too easy. For instance, Bram was sitting there eating Oreos and talking about how he loved the Halloween ones RIGHT AFTER SENDING AN EMAIL SAYING HE LOVED THE HALLOWEEN ONES. like c’mon now. Really?

-Bram and Simon’s friendship was more developed in the movie. THIS WAS MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT THE MOVIE!!! In the books, Bram was a background character that didn’t say more than two words to Simon. They sat at the same table at lunch and had English together, but other than that they weren’t really on daily speaking terms. In the Movie, Bram was a regular occurrence. Whether it was begging for Simon’s fries, inviting him to a party, kicking ass at cup pong, or singing karaoke together, they were definitely well established with each other. It was fun to see, especially because their chemistry was amazing as well. It’s something the Movie definitely did better. In the books, Bram and Simon just jumped into a relationship with each other despite few interactions in real life which outside of the fictional world: WOULDVE BEEN AWKWARD ASF.

- Bram knew that Jacques was Simon way before Matin exposed him on Tumblr. I understand the reason for the change in the movie though. They did not have 3 hours to develop this plot.

- Honestly?? My favorite part of the book was when Bram took Simon out to the grocery store on a date and bought a bunch of Oreos to create this sundae Simon joked about on an email because he worshiped Oreos. That small detail was so adorable to me but it got cut so ugh

- Another one of my favorite scenes that got cut was when Bram bought Simon a t-shirt from his favorite band and put it in his locker. That was so freaking cute as well. Also, side note. Simon’s favorite band was not Panic! At The Disco in the books but I’m honestly so happy it was in the movie. When Brendon Urie popped up on the screen I almost died oops.

- The musical Simon’s school did was Oliver! which doesn’t hold much significance but hey

- Abby did Simon’s make up for the play and he really liked it

- Simon used to like to wear dresses when he was younger (this was probably taken out because the movie portrayed Simon as less feminine)

- The Bram x Simon kiss did not happen on the Ferris wheel, but the change made sense in the movie. I don’t mind the change although I was lowkey butthurt about it at first before I saw the film. It made sense.

- Honestly the whole kiss scene was kind of cringey to me in the movie. That must’ve been so awkward waiting on a Ferris wheel for hours as random people took out their phones and whispered “I love gay people.” as if he didn’t already feel pathetic enough. In the movies, Bram caught Simon on this ride that Bram admitted made him vomit over email. That was really cute to me because Bram literally got onto that ride just for Simon and they were able to have their moment alone without other people ruining it.

- Their emails started to get really spicy. It progressed from “I can’t help but to think about kissing you” to basically, “I like picturing you horny” which isn’t a direct quote but it’s something along the lines of that.

- After the play, things got spicy in real life

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

3.) Important Things That Were The Same

- Simon’s speech to Martin about how coming out was his decision. I’m so happy they kept this

- a lot of the jokes were directly from the book as well which I really liked

- Abby and Nick had gotten together at the end

- Simon’s conversation with his mom

Okay that’s about all I can think of, feel free to add if you’d like. I’ve never actually done an analysis or anything before but I just really want to share my thoughts on these two masterpieces.

[thanksfornothinguselessreptile]

A Shifting World Chapter 4: Goodbyes and Departures

First Chapter

<– Previous

Work Summary: Things have been going great since Hiccup and Toothless have defeated the Red Death. He has his father’s approval, a group of friends his own age, and is leading the integration of dragons and the Vikings of Berk. When neighboring tribes call together a meeting to discuss rumors of Vikings riding dragons, however, Stoick decides to keep their alliance with dragons under wraps. Hiccup must decide whether he should listen to his father or seek to teach the other Vikings of the archipelago the truths about dragons.

AO3

Rating: T

Characters: Hiccup, Toothless, Astrid, Stoick, Fishlegs, Ruffnut, Tuffnut, Snotlout

Pairings: Minor Hiccup x Astrid

Chapter Summary: Hiccup makes a promise to his best friend. Meanwhile, the twins are the twins and Mildew is Mildew.

Chapter Warnings: Discussions of death and murder, food mention

“You guys are all so lucky,” Tuffnut said as he shook his head at the nearest ship. “You all get to go to the Thing and we don’t.”

“I’d kill for the opportunity to go.” The scariest thing about that statement, Hiccup decided, was that Ruffnut sounded like she genuinely meant it. “The Thing is the prime pranking opportunity, and none of you are going to take advantage of it!”

“We’ll keep that in mind, I promise,” Hiccup said. He found himself regretting that the twins wouldn’t be coming along, even if it cut down the risk of other tribes declaring war on Berk due to missing beards and painted helmets.

Still, with a whole village to terrorize and no one else in their friend group around to entertain them or hold them back, Hiccup was sure that the missed opportunity would soon be a long distant regret.

Luckily enough for Hiccup, if not for Berk, it turned out that many of his friends were coming along, too. Astrid’s mother, Phlegma, was among the Berk Council, as was Spitelout, Snotlout’s father; both had decided their children ought to come along and get a better understanding of the other tribes. Fishlegs, while he had a mother aboard their ship as a sailor, had been chosen to come because Stoick believed he could have potential as a future ambassador of Berk.

Beyond them, all of the Berk Council were going as well. Well, all except for one, who was heading this way with a frown.

Hiccup was suddenly very aware that the twins had seemed to have vanished into thin air. They must’ve pranked Gobber somewhat recently, then.

“Ah, Toothless, there you are!” Gobber said as he wagged the wooden hand cutout attached to his prosthetic arm attachment as he prepared a lecture. “Remember that you aren’t going on this trip, you sneaky reptile.”

Toothless grumbled in irritation and glanced over at Hiccup as if asking him to reverse the decision.

“Sorry, bud,” he said instead, and gave Toothless an apologetic smile. “You know that Dad would kill me if I smuggled you aboard.” And anyways, even if he did go through with showing the other tribes that dragons weren’t inherently violent and were actually amazing, intelligent beings who were willing to live in peace if humans were, he wanted Toothless here, safe, if things went wrong. Again.

Toothless snorted and shook his head, his pupils narrowing slightly.

“Don’t worry, bud, it won’t be for forever.” If Gobber wasn’t there, Hiccup would have told him he’d try and make it so he could go to the next one, too. However, Gobber was still there, listening. He wouldn’t exactly be the sort that would keep quiet if Hiccup started making plans to go against his father’s and chief’s wishes behind his back.

“Yes,” Toothless said with a disgruntled huff.  

Hiccup could understand why. He wasn’t too happy about having to leave his best friend either.

Anything else he had to say, however, was swallowed up by a loud yell several feet away.

“I’m telling you, Stoick, this must be a sign from the gods to give up this unholy alliance with the beasts.” Hiccup had heard that voice enough times since after the Battle of the Red Death that he frowned and prepared to sigh with exasperation even before properly recognizing its owner.

Just as there were dragons too affected by the years of conflict to want to move onto Berk, there were Vikings who resisted the peace with the dragons with their heels dug into the ground. But where dragons were happy enough to avoid Berk, Mildew had decided to make his “opinion” everyone’s problem.

And especially Hiccup’s and Stoick’s.

“If the other tribes catch wind of us ‘befriending’ these monsters–” Mildew swung his staff straight toward a nearby Monstrous Nightmare who’d just dropped off a pallet of supply crates tied into groups with fishnet, ignoring their filthy look “–then we might as well kiss our lives goodbye!”

Stoick, half turned toward Mildew and half toward the freshly delivered stack of supplies, rubbed at his head in a way that told Hiccup that he was sensing an oncoming headache. “You’ve already brought this up. For sixteen Gripe Days in a row.”

“And you wouldn’t listen!” Hiccup winced as the vibrations of the resulting slam of the staff end into the wooden dock made their way up his prosthesis. “But now that the other tribes have come knocking, maybe you’ll finally care!”

Stoick cast Mildew a glare so sharp Hiccup almost expected to result in Mildew bursting into flames without a dragon’s intervention. Unfortunately for all of Berk, it didn’t. “Enough, Mildew. I am sticking to the answer I’ve given you every time before. We are not driving the dragons away.”

Mildew’s voice dropped just a fraction, and turned even more bitter and accusing. “Is it something you’re willing to bet the whole village’s lives on?”

“I assure you,” Stoick said, his voice unyielding, “I have the village’s best interests on my mind. And, like it or not, that includes yours.”

“Besides,” Gobber said, walking from beside Hiccup up to Mildew, “is right before Stoick’s about to leave to ensure we continue living in peace really the time to bring this up? Especially since he heard it before?”

Mildew snorted, sounding for all the world like a particularly stubborn sheep not unlike the one that often followed him around.

“I thought so. Now I suggest you go back and tend to your cabbages, unless you want to help load up the ship.” Gobber used his hand prosthesis to gesture at the supplies.

With one last scowl and “Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you,” Mildew stormed off the docks, staff tapping each wooden board along the way.

“Thanks, Gobber,” Stoick said, sounding more relieved than he’d been since the announcement of the Thing.

Gobber shrugged. “Eh, I’ll just add it to list of stuff you’ll owe me for while you’re gone.” He shuddered overdramatically. “Including the Gripe Days you’ll be missing. Not looking forward to those, I’m telling you!”

Stoick laughed and shook his head. “It makes dealing with the other chiefs seem like a picnic.”

Hiccup and Toothless walked toward them. “Can’t you do something about his attitude problem?”

Stoick frowned and sighed. “He gets under my skin as much as yours, son, but I’m afraid I can’t.”

“What does he have against them, anyways?” He leaned over to pat Toothless’s side, to calm himself and his dragon. “They hardly attacked his farm.” Cabbage, to no one’s surprise, was hardly a dragon’s preferred delicacy. In fact, they seemed to avoid them more often than most other crops.

Gobber and Stoick shared a solemn look.

“You see, years ago he set his farm up there,” Gobber said, sounding like he was getting into a long story that had no happy ending. “No one particularly minded, given he was always that… well, Mildewy, for the lack of a better word.” He shrugged. “And he married a woman who was just as grumpy as he was, and they had kids who took after the both of them.”

If Gobber and Stoick hadn’t looked so serious, Hiccup would’ve shuddered at the thought of a family of Mildews.

“They all seemed happy, though, and they kept mostly to themselves, so everything was fine.” Stoick shook his head. “And then, one day, his wife and children were picking up supplies in town when a dragon raid hit.”

“It was the worst in decades.” Gobber bit his lip. “Our best could hardly keep up defending the town from the dragons.” He sighed and shook his head. “By the time dawn came and they retreated, so many had died, even those who hadn’t fought.”

“Including Mildew’s family.” Hiccup never thought he’d feel anything regarding sympathy for the man, but then again he’d always summed his irritability up to stubbornness beyond the usual Viking levels.

“And that wasn’t the end of it.” Stoick’s tone caused Hiccup to brace himself. “Mildew somehow got it into his head that we let them die intentionally because no one liked them.”

“Well, no one did like them,” Gobber jumped in with a conciliatory tone. “But no one hated them that much,” he added when Stoick glared at him.

“Everyone kind of understood that it was mostly the grief talking, and things kind of died down after a while.” Stoick stroked his beard. “And eventually he ended up taking another wife.”

“And that’s when a dragon came to his farm and burnt it to a crisp.” Gobber shook his head. “Mildew escaped. Not his wife.”

“And after he got over that, he married another woman. She was from the Northlander Tribe, I believe.” He glanced at Gobber as if to confirm.

Gobber nodded. “Aye. And I bet you can get what happened to her.”

Hiccup’s stomach clenched. “I’m guessing not a peaceful death by old age.”

“After that, he became obsessed with killing dragons.” Stoick stroked his beard, lost in thought.

“Not himself, of course.” Gobber shrugged a single shoulder. “Let’s just say he chose to keep a farm far from the raids for a reason. But he bought dragon parts off those who did kill them. Bones, scales, heads, the lot.”

Toothless made a nervous sound, and Hiccup reached over to scratch him under the ears in an attempt at reassurance. “Don’t worry, bud. No one’s getting your head.”

“He was always advocating for crueler ways of killing them off entirely, not just driving them off our land for good.” Stoick frowned. “In any case, any intention he had of making his peace with them died with his wives and children.”

“But now we can make sure that no one else has to go through that.” Hiccup knew that losing family to dragons hurt; he’d lost his own mother to a dragon when he was a baby, and that had definitely stung after finding out that it was the Red Death’s fault. Still, he couldn’t imagine preferring being at war with dragons to the peace they had now over it.

“I know, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.” Stoick placed a hand on Hiccup’s shoulder, being careful not to knock him over. “However, he’s been bitter since the day he was born, and circumstances only made him worse. When you’re chief, you’ll have to deal with worse than the likes of him.”

Hiccup resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “Encouraging pep talk, Dad.”

Stoick shook his head and laughed, and the somber tone the conversation had taken seemed to disperse like that. “Next time, I’ll let it surprise you.” He glanced around the docks and the ship, scanning everything. “Well, it looks to me like we’re just about ready to set out here. You get on the ship and I’ll get the loose ends tied up.” With that, he walked off.

Hiccup turned back to Toothless. “Well, I guess it’s time to say goodbye, bud.”

Toothless warbled in a very unenthusiastic tone.

“I promise I’ll be back, with a whole new bunch of stories to tell you.” A gathering of Viking chiefs was certainly never boring, as Stoick had often been inclined to share. “I’m sure you will too, since the twins are staying behind.”

At that, Toothless snorted and rolled his eyes.

Hiccup couldn’t help but smile at that. “You never know, you might have too much fun watching them get in trouble to even notice I’m gone.”

Toothless snorted and shook his head. He didn’t sound particularly convinced.

“It’s just for a few weeks, I promise.” Hiccup held out an open hand. Toothless stared at it and hesitated, then leaned his head over until his nose met Hiccup’s palm.  “Take care while I’m gone.” He let himself give his best friend a crooked, mischievous smile and wagged a finger at him in warning. “And no helping Ruff and Tuff with their pranks, alright?”

Toothless seemed to raise the draconic equivalent of an eyebrow, but nodded. “Yes.”

With that, Hiccup forced himself up the gangplank and looked for a place to sit. It was going to be a long journey.

So this is probably the last chapter I’m posting to Tumblr before the Log Off Protest. While the next chapter will likely be published on AO3 around the same time next week, I won’t crosspost it to Tumblr until the protest is over and I log back in. After that, crossposting should continue as usual. Thank you!

Next –>

[laundryandtaxes]

you've made me change my opinions on gun control but the parkland students have me question that again. what's your take on their activism?

I mean my views aren’t based on current events, they’re based on what seems to be effective and what doesn’t seem effective to me. “Ban assault weapons” sounds cool to lots of people but 1) we did try banning “assault weapons” (used in the Clinton ban to mean semi auto rifles that looked scary) from 1994 to 2004 when they were actually hard to get- if our goal was to limit availability this was the PERFECT TIME, when they cost a grand and there weren’t many of them in the country- and EVEN though the number of them actually ROSE during the ban as manufacturers designed around the ban 2) there’s no conclusive evidence that it managed to reduce spree shootings, as shooters just switched over to other kinds of semi auto rifles and handguns. So it’s a bandaid solution that doesn’t even seem to work well under the best conditions- when they are already hard to get and there aren’t that many of them in the country. There’s an estimated 3 million AR-15s in the country now ALREADY, I would guess that number is -at least- 5x, and maybe even 10x, lower than the actual number, there are kits being sold to build lower receivers in your garage with a $200 press and some time, and on top of that you can build a decent (not premium, not shit) rifle yourself for $500, you can buy one off the rack for $400. There is no future for this country where, imo, knowing what I know about availability of parts, an AR is all that hard to get. The people I’m personally worried about anyway (violent neonazis) are watching the news and will have 5 or 6 more before midterms elections. Nobody is gonna turn in their rifles when asked or even when compensated- I’d be surprised if you got 1 million back under a buyback. Like if we had seen a massive decrease in spree shooting during the AWB of ‘94, I would support bans. But not only did we not see that, not see any impact on violent crime, but we saw a modest decrease in the use of banned weapons specifically in spree shootings (which, no, does not mean less lethality when the round an AR shoots is also in plenty of other rifles that look less scary and like hunting rifles) and all rifles from hunting rifles to the AR account for less than 5% of all gun homicides in the country. Even when considering that rifle rounds seem generally to kill at a higher rate, .223 in particular is so underpowered a round the military is likely to switch away from it soon and it’s not uncommon for people to survive 3 or 4 shots with it, so this idea that the AR is outrageously lethal doesn’t hold up. Your odds of making it after getting shot with it aren’t great but they’re better than if you’re shot with grandad’s bolt .308 or.303 rifle.

“Ban so-called large capacity magazines” also sounds cool to lots of people but it takes an amateur less than 3 seconds to reload and a well trained shooter hardly over a second, and cops have a habit of showing up to spree shootings and waiting for shooting to stop completely rather than directly getting in there- this fantasy that anybody, let alone cops, will wait for a reload to try to get a shot is a fantasy. Cops are not legally obligated, as of the most recent court cases, to come into a dangerous situation and do shit to “protect” you. They’re gonna wait outside and fret while people die. So those idea that 10 rounds is a magical number where your shooter won’t just switch magazines when cops are not going to intervene anyway is silly. What I WILL say is your odds of surviving a handgun shot in this country are great (if I’m ever shot with a pistol I have 80% odds of making it out alive) and rifle rounds tell to have a higher lethality rate because of what we have good trauma care for. I would be less upset to see them go than ARs because, again, you can just reload quickly. A 10 round magazine doesn’t mean 10 people get shot when you can just buy more magazines.

I don’t ideologically oppose licenses for firearms purchases, and we have them in my state- minor annoyance to get but 10 bucks and not difficult, and even though mine required no test or class (unlike my concealed carry license) I don’t think requiring a sort of written and shooting exam to ensure basic proficiency is that unreasonable. I also think it does nothing to prevent violence. Someome capable of handling a gun well enough to kill people should be able to pass a basic course, and someone who plans their massacre for months is going to laugh at a waiting period. Most of these men have plans and there’s no reason to think they couldn’t just plan to take a course too. So I don’t actively support licensing measures- again because I have no reason to think they’d be effective. When building policy the goal is to do things that work. Not just to do a thing for its own sake.

So the three most common ideas to stop this stuff are both likely to just not be effective and I don’t support them for that reason even BEFORE you consider my ideological oppositions to disarming regular people and leaving cops with tanks. I do think this kind of violence might be better prevented with something like my state has where if you’re under a restraining order (as many men who eventually commit domestic violence are before committing that violence) then a friend or the state is required to hold your guns while you fight it in court. Judicial oversight is critical though- I don’t trust judges but I definitely don’t think anyone should be deprived of a constitutionally guaranteed right with no chance to appeal. It goes a bit further than barring domestic abusers from owning guns- which is ALREADY FEDERAL LAW, the ATF just doesn’t actually enforce that law by searching whether someone just convicted of domestic violence has already bought guns. If you’re just barred from buying more but have 10 in the house, that’s obviously stupid. Oregon has a new law where neighbors and friends can suggest to a judge that you be disarmed, but it doesn’t require the “accused” to even be in court as it’s figured out, which is bullshit. It is a good idea that a judge has to actually look at evidence and make that decision, and that it can be appealed. With any kind of rights revokation I think judicial oversight is a good thing. I also think it's an issue that 12 states don't report well to NICS because the background check system only reads what records it has- and I think we need a law REQUIRING military and law enforcement agencies to report internally investigated affairs that bar someone from owning firearms. The Air Force just quietly slipped 4000 more personnel names to the FBI that it hasn't submitted to it. That has to stop. Cops being domestic abusers (when they abuse at almost 50% higher rates than the general population) should not happen and should not be preventable by internal investigations. Committing a crime that prevents you from owning and using firearms should actually...prevent that. I do not think that law enforcement and military agencies should be able to investigate themselves at all in any capacity anyway in addition to...all the other things I also think about these groups. The Sutherland Springs shooter having been not reported to the FBI, many cops having DV investigations handled internally and still carrying a gun every day, these are ACTUAL loopholes around current law.

I think a lot of people see this stuff and go “Oh my goodness gun violence” and think this is what drives national gun murder numbers. It isn’t. Remember than murders using “assault rifles” account for less than 5% of all gun murders, not even counting other kinds of homicides like stabbing. There is one approach for spree violence- these men all seem to have histories of violence against women as the greatest single common thread between them and I still think addressing that (like with the restraining order law we have here) is the single greatest measure you’ve got, although that requires not just women reporting but women being BELIEVED by judges. If you wanted to actually talk about gun violence in general, you would be talking about handgun murders since they’re the majority of those in the country. But “gun violence” and “spree shootings” are not at all the same phenomenon and don’t really have a single set of solutions between both.

I have no interest in bullshit about mentally ill people being violent- not only are mentally ill people more likely to receive violence than cause it, but someone who plans a massacre and puts peices together, and carries it out, and even escapes after, is not IMPAIRED BEYOND ABILITY TO CARE FOR THEMSELF as is currently the legal threshold for disarmament; somebody who’s depressed (which, it can be depressing world- lots of people are depressed) should also not be stripped of firearms rights without judicial review spurred by someone seeming to be a threat to themself or others; no diagnosis should allow someone to be stripped of a rigjt automatically and anyway I domt want the FBI looking at people’s health records without good cause when there is no diagnosis thst means you’ll murder someone. Plenty of mentally ill people manage not to kill someone every day. Sometimes people are just bad and the goal here is to limit the damage they can do. I don’t have answers but I also don’t pretend to. What I can say is that this kind of behavior displayed by the Parkland shooter (including, my newest CNN alert says, holding people at gunpoint) should be grounds for at least temporary disarmament. I also have no interest in talking about it in terms of “needs,” considering there are all kinds of dangerous things (harder to get than guns but available) that I also don’t need, like an excessively heavy truck or a car that goes over 80 miles an hour or a sword of literallt any kind.

So no, my opinions haven’t changed because I don’t have new information about the efficacy of the measures most people are still calling for. We tried an “assault weapons” ban and it didn’t work when they were 10 times harder to get and twice as expensive and much less commonly owned than they are now. We have no evidence it worked. Whatever we try, it needs to be something other than an ineffective policy that didn’t work under the best conditions for it. Typed this on mobile and may add links later when I can/this probably has some good ole phone typing typos.

[eldritchsurveys]

153.

[[ Random Survey Questions // By x-hallie-x]]

1. Have you ever been in an unconventional relationship (long distance, polyamorous, same gender, age gap, etc)? if so, what challenges did this relationship present, and were they worth overcoming? >> I’ve been in all of the examples presented. The challenges remain the same across the board -- communication errors and competing access needs.

2. Would you ever consider something like a poly relationship, assuming everyone involved was alright with it? What are some things you think you would or wouldn’t like about it? >> My relationship is already non-monogamous, although neither of us is actively seeing anyone else in meatspace currently. (”Polyapathetic” is the word I use for it sometimes, lol.) There isn’t anything I don’t like about it.

3. What is the most unhealthy relationship (whether friendship or romantic) you’ve ever had? What made it so unhealthy? Do you still talk to each other? >> Probably the one with the creator of this survey, incidentally. I used to not say anything for the sake of “not causing drama”, but I see where I did myself a disservice in the attempt of doing him a service, one that I don’t necessarily owe him after what he put me through. People can make their own decisions about whether to be friends or lovers with him, after all, and it’s not like I’m running around telling people not to be friends or lovers with him. By all means, if y’all get along, I’m actually glad. He’s sorely in need of healthy interaction, he just definitely can’t get it from me.  It was unhealthy because for me he was excessively clingy, demanding, and emotionally manipulative, whereas my attachment style is distant and avoidant, and neither of those styles work well together except, I’d imagine, in unique cases (probably aided by therapy, tbh). He made great demands upon my time and energy and made me feel like I wasn’t allowed to reclaim that time and energy. And so on and so forth. 4. Have you ever been abusive in any way? Were you able to change or make amends, or, in general, what do you think people should do to make amends in that situation? >> I don’t think I’ve been abusive. I know I’ve been accused of being such, and I wouldn’t argue with it because that... doesn’t solve the problem. But from my point of view, having repeatedly educated myself on what abusive behaviour looks like, I can’t see myself fitting into that model. I’ve been unhelpful, reactive, aloof/distant, and callous -- but not abusive. I think the best way to make amends for abusive behaviour is to change one’s behaviour. And change it consistently. And, most importantly, realise that the person you hurt is under no obligation to forgive you or let you back into their lives. If they do, great -- do not squander their forgiveness. If they don’t, that’s their right. You still owe it to yourself, and the people who are in your life, to be better.

5. Have you ever forgiven someone for being abusive or allowed someone toxic back into your life? Did this person change for the better or not? >> Yeah. No.

6. Do you feel like your age matches your emotional development? If not, what age level or maturity level do you feel best represents where you’re at? >> I don’t know, because I’m not sure how that’s measured. I just am where I am, and am doing my damn best. 7. Do you feel like you’re lagging behind your peers in terms of development or do you feel that you’re more ahead of the bunch? >> I think I’m supposed to see myself as “lagging behind”, but that’s all bullshit. I just am where I am, like I said. 8. What is one thing about your personality that embarrasses you, but you can’t seem to change it no matter how hard you try? Have other people called you out on this embarrassing thing? >> I don’t know, really. It embarrasses me to want attention and reassurance and solace, but I don’t think that’s like, a personality trait that needs changing. I’m just embarrassed about it because I was taught to be. 9. When was the last time you did something “meant” for children? Do you think it’s okay for adults to do these things (ie. watch cartoons, have stuffed animals, dress in cute clothing, etc), or do you think there’s an age beyond which it becomes unacceptable - and if so, why? >> Man, I do and enjoy a lot of things that people who’ve bought into the bullshit would say is “for children”. If you seriously believe it’s unacceptable for an adult to do something as fucking benign as watch cartoons or sleep with a teddy bear, then your opinion ain’t worth squat to me anyway. 10. What was the last thing to “trigger” you (as in, in a true mental health sense, I’m being serious here) and how did you cope with it? What kinds of things do you tend to find triggering? What do you do either avoid or face your triggers? >> I don’t remember. I don’t often acknowledge my triggers when they actually occur, which is a separate issue. 11. If you’re diagnosed with anything, do you feel that it accurately represents what you’re experiencing? >> I don’t know what my diagnosis is. I’ve been diagnosed as a number of things over the years, either because of incompetent mental health professionals or a lack of transparency on my part (but most often an awful combination of both). I think any “disorder” I have would have to be a developmental or neurological one, because a lot of who I am has been like this for as long as I can remember (and has only been exacerbated by events that happened later). 12. What is a complaint you have about the mental health industry or about the type of treatment you’ve received from a mental health service? Have you ever had any particularly bad therapy experiences? >> One complaint is that a lot of mental health professionals don’t... like, do the work. They’ll just see someone once or twice and go “oh you clearly have [x]” just based upon some cursory questioning and observation. That’s not logical or ethical to me. I’ve had so many negative experiences in MH that at this point I now have trauma related to that -- which makes it a fucking riot to try to go to therapy! “Hi, first you’ll have to work through my trauma related to therapists before we can get down to the actual therapy.” Ha! 13. When was the last time you realized you might be the source of a problem and NOT someone else? >> Actually, I usually take that possibility under advisement (it’s an awkward but sometimes useful side effect of having been treated as a scapegoat). Unfortunately, sometimes I’m not the problem, and I have a hard time really convincing myself that no, I didn’t necessarily do anything to deserve the treatment I got. 

14. In an average week, how often do you leave the house? Generally, how many miles would you say you travel in that time? >> Usually on the weekends because we go grocery shopping and down to Wayland to do laundry. During the week, maybe once or twice, on a good week. There’s really just nowhere to go. 15. Have you ever made a mistake or did something you were too embarrassed or ashamed to tell anyone else? Did you eventually tell anyone? Did their reaction help you feel better or worse about your secrets? >> Probably, but I don’t remember any specific examples. 16. Do you think you’re easy to open up to or do people confide in you often? >> No, I’m apparently not easy to open up to because people generally don’t. I guess. I don’t know how any of this shit works. 17. When was the last time you felt accomplished? When was the last time you felt like you failed at something? >> I don’t remember the last time I felt accomplished. I mean, I remember the last time I did something that I needed to do, but I didn’t feel better once it was over. I guess that’s part of why it’s so difficult for me to do things I need to do but don’t want to -- I don’t get the reward feedback from my own brain afterwards. >:| 18. When was the last time you worked really hard on something only to have it get ruined in some way? Did you start over and try again, or did you give up entirely? >> I don’t remember. I haven’t put that much effort into anything lately. 19. What are some minor physical discomforts that really bug you (eyelash in your eye, a wedgie, rumpled socks, etc)? >> All of the above, and also dry skin and chapped lips. 20. Are you prone to talking during shows? Does it bother you if other people talk? Is there someone you know with a television-watching style so different to yours that you can’t stand to watch with them? >> I’m not prone to it, necessarily, but if I’m with someone who doesn’t mind it or also does it, then I’ll do it. I can go either way. Except when it’s a show that requires a lot of focus, then I need it to be quiet. And I don’t like watching things with people that just like to make negative commentary like they’re a movie critic or something. 21. Are you ever afraid to admit to liking something because you’re afraid other people will judge you for it? What is the worst that’s ever happened as a result of you liking something different from the crowd? What about the best thing that’s come as a result of a unique interest? >> I mean, being judged for things I like has been happening for so long that I’m mostly just used to it. But sometimes if I’m really excited about something, or in a certain mood, I won’t talk about it because if someone says one negative thing I’m going to fucking explode on them, lmao. Let people fucking like things, god damn. I don’t know what the worst thing is, but this is kind of funny in retrospect (but in the moment it was hella aggravating): when I was in high school I was really obsessed with the band Creed, and as we all know, Creed was Nickelback before Nickelback existed as far as popular opinion goes. So on the school bus, the kids at the back of the bus would sing that song Higher in the most exaggerated voices possible to heckle me. SMH. 22. If someone judges you, are you more inclined to react defensively, offensively, or indifferently? Do you often judge other people in an overt way, or do you keep most of your judgments to yourself? >> I’m either defensive or indifferent depending on what mood I’m already in and who the person is. I actually make an effort not to judge what other people are into or what kind of people they are, because I feel like it’s an improper and rude way for me to spend my time. Also, Golden Rule. 23. What kind of image, if any, do you hope you project to the world? Like, what qualities do you hope other people are able to see in you? Do you ever feel like you’re coming across all wrong? >> I don’t know what kind of image I want to project. I’m not sure I care about that as much as I care about being valuable to individuals that I want to be valuable to. And one person might value one thing about me while another person might value a completely different thing, so I can’t just pick a trait or two and say “these are the valuable traits”. It’s all relative. And yeah, I feel like my intentions and my actions don’t match up a whole lot, mostly because of the 5966589 layers of trauma-based behaviour I’m operating through. But, you know. It be like that. 24. When was the last time you felt like someone was completely misunderstanding your feelings or intentions? Were you eventually able to explain and clarify? How do you react when you feel seriously misunderstood? >> Constantly, lmao. I don’t remember the last specific example, though. Sometimes I get an opportunity to explain and clarify, but honestly, a lot of the times I don’t even bother because I assume the person either doesn’t care or won’t understand. I usually shut down or withdraw when I feel intensely misunderstood. 25. Have you ever remained good friends with an ex? >> I tried it, it didn’t work. Only with Anubis, who I only dated for like a month and a half anyway. 26. What was the last reason you decided you didn’t want to do something? >> Probably poor executive function, as usual. Or low confidence. 27. What is something about you that makes you feel very different from other people (and I don’t mean like a food preference like pineapple on pizza, i mean core level different, where you can’t find this quality in many others)? >> You know, I’m not sure. Because I do feel intensely alienated and not at all like other people sometimes, but all my traits and experiences taken individually are traits and experiences I’ve seen elsewhere. I know other people who have shared consciousnesses, and even people who interact with their inworlders similarly to how I interact with mine. I know that my terribly broken attachment style and inability to connect is not uncommon, especially among other people who were also emotionally neglected as children. And I know that the feeling of alienation, of feeling Very Different from others, is equally common -- many of us feel that way, and we all have well-worked-out justifications for that feeling. But, really? I really believe that’s just part of being alive and sapient. And it’s a foundation for art -- trying to find a means to connect with someone, anyone, when we don’t feel like it’s ever going to be possible. 28. Do you have a negative view of mentally ill people, or are you mentally ill yourself? Do you ever call others crazy, insane, etc? Do you ever call yourself those things? >> I don’t have a negative view of mentally-ill people, although I unfortunately am often driven to have a negative view of myself for being mentally-ill. Stupid brains. I do call myself crazy and insane but “mad” is actually my preferred adjective. I try not to use those terms for others unless they’re explicitly okay with it and I’m fucking around with them or something (which is still an iffy thing, but you know). 29. What is one way you often put yourself down? What is one compliment you often give yourself? Do you think you compliment or insult yourself more? >> I put myself down about being an intensely lonely and vulnerable person, because that makes total sense, right? SMH. I also put myself down for being sensitive to noise and light and all that other stuff that I really can’t control even though I wish I could. And for other random shit that I can’t remember just now. I don’t usually compliment myself a lot, but Can Calah does that work for me, which is one reason why I’m intensely grateful for him -- someone’s gotta do it in order to teach me how to do it to myself, and he seems more than up for the task. It’s a pretty common thing inworld -- I berate myself for something, and he counters with impeccable logic and compassion. Never fails. 30. Does it bother you to have people comment on what you’re eating, or do you not care? What are some comments that would bother you, if any? Do you ever comment on what other people are eating or make assumptions about their intakes? >> People don’t usually comment on what I’m eating. I’m not even sure what someone could say that would bother me -- maybe making fun of me for not cooking full meals all the time, or something, in which case fuck right off. I don’t comment on what other people eat, that’s none of my business and I actually don’t even fucking care. Eat whatever you like, it’s your life and your body and your business.

[kierongillen]

Writer Notes: The Wicked + The Divine Christmas Annual #1

Spoilers, obv.

There's a backbone of Specials which I consider essential to WicDiv's plot. This is one of the main reasons we've ended up putting the Specials trade into the schedule before the last trade in the series rather than after it – as fractally as WicDiv is structured, this is information you should know before the end rather than after it.

They also work off a weird time-switched aspect – so they're read at the time of publication (for single readers) and also at the latter point in the story (for trade readers). In other words, they're revealing different information and to different import depending on whether you read them as they're released or as they're collected.

Which is an interesting challenge.

The Christmas Annual is the first Special which doesn't work like this. Looking at the schedule, we thought it healthier to add an extra month to the gap between arcs. The next arc is six issues, as is the one after that. We decided to add another special, and then saw what would be fun to do.

This was a boon for me. The problem is never not having enough material, y'know? The difference between something I'd like to do and something that is essential I do is narrow. Jamie had the idea of going back to periods we skipped and showing some of their key moments. I initially kicked against it a little, but when the thing I was trying proved too hard to make work, it seemed the simplest thing to do for me, and seemed a cute gift to the fans in a year that's been pretty fucking brutal.

(That we rarely get happier than bittersweet speaks to me, really. All happiness is tinged with sadness. “I love you” is married to “and one day we will all be dead”.)

But it was also a fun time. We got a gang of our favourite people together and did a bunch of short stories. Most of all, I got to write a bunch of people I haven't written for a while. I've missed them.

How were the stories chosen? Rapidly! The main limitation was not choosing anything which would spoil anything in Imperial Phase: Part Two. The Specials are designed to be spoiler-free for any trade which isn't released when it's released. We also wanted to show a bunch of kissing and similar social activities, as for a book which has as much emotional and sexual stuff driving the characters, there's relatively little on panel.

I wrote 'em, showed them to the gang, and then we worked out who we could ask to draw them. I was expecting I would remove several of them, but they all ended up going in, with tweaks in some cases in the story's focus. In terms of the characters selected, I definitely paid attention to characters who had relatively little screen time – so, Lucifer, Inanna and Tara.

Jamie's Cover

Using a bought Photoshop filter, this actually a lot more work than Jamie was expecting. It is wonderful though. It is to my eternal regret we never actually arranged it as a Christmas Merchandise thing. This is a delight to me. Really, we're aware that Jamie doesn't do many playful covers, so this was an opportunity we grasped with both hands. For all the iconic drama, there's also a playfulness to WicDiv that doesn't always show up on the covers.

Kris Anka's Cover

It's a Christmas Annual in the mode of a British Annual – in that these are annuals released at Christmas rather than having Christmas as a major theme per se. Anyway, despite all that, Inanna and Baal in hot make-out beneath the mistletoe is an absolute joy. I am pleased we get to do this.

IFC

The main editorial note to Designer Sergio was “Tackier! Tackier!”

The photo was taken in North London cocktail bar “Every Cloud.” Jamie is probably drinking some manner of Old Fashioned. I think I'm drinking some kind of Buttered Rum-containing cocktail. Chrissy draped the only decorations she could find over our heads.

1-6

Kris Anka! Jen Bartel helped out on inks on this as well, due to time constraints. Kris is currently on a Marvel Exclusive, so we had to get permission to do this story. Marvel said yes, so thanks to them enormously.

Yes, if you examine the timeline, Valhalla was certainly erected quickly. And yes, “Erected quickly” is a major theme in this story.

It's one of the lighter stories in the issue – obviously delineating what we know about Baal to this moment says a lot, and the same for Inanna.

I tried to write the scripts to the artists, but I also was interested in leaving it open for them to express things in their own ways. Generally speaking, I let the artists choose how to show the characters in a sex scene, as I want to see their own interpretation. It was a delight to see Kris go as far as he did here.

We did wonder whether we'd be okay with showing hard cocks. We're told that hard cocks are fine, but ejaculation is the problematic limit. I'm glad it's not an issue. This is a hot scene, but it's primarily a romantic one.

I love what Matt is doing with the panel on page 5 – the pinks and purples of Inanna here.

Baals expression on the first panel is very funny, as is the confidence in panel 3 of it.

7-8-9-10

There's seven stories, but several were just two pages. We realised the best way to do it would be to group the shorter of the long ones with the short ones so all collaborators get 5-6 pages each. This makes it much easier with trade royalties down the line, and organising 5 artists (plus colourists and flatters) is a significantly easier one than organising 7 (and their associated collaborators).

This is the first of the stories coloured by Tamra Bonvillain. I've never worked with Tamra before, but we loved her work, approached her, and she said yes. Thanks for joining us on this journey.

The artist here is Rachael Stott, who is probably best known for her Doctor Who work, but is about to do Motherland for Vertigo with Si Spurrier, which looks excellent.

There was quite a lot of careful balloon work here, to try and guide the eye and provide the necessary exposition (or really, reminders – all this is building upon or just showing events that have been alluded to earlier.) The eye-guiding is key – for example, due to a minor quirk of the first two panels, the Shard is hidden by the column which means that the view in the second panel feels instantly wrong. We end up disguising the shard with the dialogue so it's far less noticeable.

This event is alluded to by Lucifer in issue 3 of WicDiv.

The penthouse is the one we see in issue 1, which I presume is rented by the Pantheon for their purposes.

Writing Lucifer after all this time was a pleasure. Well, pleasure may be the wrong word. She's herself, and she's always very able to show bits of herself. Lucifer says things that no one else in the cast does, which is obviously one of her huge problems.

Yes, the first panel of page 9 did make me think of an OBJECTION! style WicDiv Phoenix-Wright-esque game.

The panel is also a place where we really had to do the work to put this in continuity – the obvious assumption would be that Baal is pissed off about Lucifer sleeping with Sakhmet, which is only really a minor cause of WTF-ness.

That Lucifer explicitly fucked with Baal and Inanna was hinted at early in WicDiv and made explicit in WicDiv 23. Inanna didn't consider the relationship exclusive, as he doesn't see why anyone would automatically assume a romantic relationship is exclusive. Inanna's great weakness is not always realising that everyone is like him.

The “You're a bad person” ties off why Lucifer and Sakhmet never slept together many times, also mentioned in issue 3. Sakhmet, I suspect, just doesn't like the complications and drama. She is deeply averse to complications.

The last three panels are classic comedy steady-angle shots. That the sprinklers aren't visible led to adding an alarm sound at lettering, to avoid the possible assumption that Baal made it rain indoors or something.

Reading this I find myself thinking about Lucifer in the Special versus Lucifer in the Annual – in the sense that we're seeing her much more humanly, which is leaning into what makes her comic (and awful). The last three panels are not ones you could imagine in The Faust Act, as seen through Laura's star eyes. Nice fucked off expression in the last panel from Rachael.

11-12-13-14-15

Chynna Clugston Flores is just one of my indie comic crushes. Blue Monday is basically one of those key links between 90s and 00s comics. Bryan Lee O'Malley pitched Scott Pilgrim as Blue Monday meets Dragon Ball Z. We pitched Phonogram and Blue Monday meets Hellblazer. She's a wonder.

As such, writing for her was a dream, and I was explicitly writing for her. While this is much more rigid in terms of panel shapes than Chynna would write for herself (the steady angle on the two people in the front seat is very much me trying to write a sort of claustrophobic talking heads kind of set-up) but I'm really exploring a very Chynna type place.

I've been thinking of Dionysus as a “Umar” for a while. When thinking up Dio, the image of writer Umar Ditta leading the Thought Bubble dancefloor was definitely in my mind, and I thought it'd be fun if they share a name, despite being very different dudes. (Not least that Umar could bench Dionysus now.) I asked Umar, and he said yes, so Umar he is. His first comic Untethered has just come out, and is well worth your attention.

This is the second sort of story in the special. One is just showing some key things which impacted the rest of the book, which were usually sexy funtimes. The other was showing some key relationships in the pre-pantheon lives. We've said that Dio was a friend of Baph and Morrigan, but never actually showed what that meant. It was good to get it here.

For those studying the timeline, this is the same day as Hazel become Amaterasu. It would also be the same day Dio takes a photo of Morrigan, and Cameron sits in the tunnel waiting for Morrigan. Busy day!

If I call out my fave Chynna moments, we're going to be here forever. Cameron with his sign on the rain is a joy. Honestly, this is such an odd thing – it makes me imagine what a Blue Monday set in the Midlands would be like.

There was a panic when page 12 arrived and I thought that Chynna had (for some reason) reversed all the seating orders in the car and had the car riding on the wrong side of the road. This is obviously a disaster, because the only way this story works is the characters' speaking order is based upon where they're sitting. But then we realised that the page had been flipped in the dropbox for some reason. Phew.

The quote is from Young Avengers 13, which came out a week or two before this arrived. Yes, I know.

(The question who wrote YA13 in this universe, when Kieron Gillen's career ended with Phonogram: Rue Britannia, is open.)

Page 13 was designed to be a mood break of the lived-in autobio, and Chynna really goes for it, in terms of the leaves and the panel breaking. Not using techniques in the whole piece makes them especially meaningful when they turn up. Tamra also did wonders in the colouring, going for the spooky autumnal reds, teals and purples.

(Tamra and Matt basically split the issue near 50:50.)

This is definitely a more Morrigan way of publicising gigs rather than standing outside shitty clubs and passing out flyers.

The WHAT!? panel is everything I could have hoped for.

The “Oh god. He puns. Morrigan fucked a punner. A wet punner's in my car.” immediately made me feel that I'm trying to channel a Warren Ellis character.

The off-panel MOTHERFUCKER is also a delight.

16-17-18

Emma's one of my favourite people, but I haven't worked with her since a B-side in the second issue of Phonogram: The Singles Club, with a Kate Bush short story. (EDIT: Plus in the Young Avengers Afterparty, which I’d blanked. This is the second time that’s happened to an artist from that. Which, given the time period I was writing that, is unsurprising). So it's lovely to get back with her, and she does some of my favourite work in the Special. Do go and have a look at her Breaks, which she draws and co-writes.

When Tara has had so little panel time, trying to work out how to approach her is key – and Emma manages to find a place which is clearly her, but also informed by Tula's iconic take. Matt also brings us much of those choices to the page in the colours.

It's useful, as this story almost acts as a prequel to issue 13. It's essentially the first time Tara pitches what she wants to do to Ananke, a moment which is at least alluded to in 13.

I wrote the story originally as two pages – specifically, the last two pages. I talked about it with Editorial Assistant Katie, and she noted it's a shame we never actually see Tara happy ever. Which struck me as true, and a problem – at least in part this Special is about showing different sorts and times of happiness. So I added the first page, which is my best pitch for Tara at her most positive. This is the unspoken stuff that's under the surface in issue 13, and Tara talking about the drive is one of her main bits of happiness. I talk about how the cast are all me in different ways? Tara definitely includes the part of me which never feels better than after having written something I think is good. I've certainly done the “if get a disease which means I have six months to live, have I got time to finish writing WicDiv?” maths.

Much like issue 13, I wrote considerably more captions than are used on the first page. You write it like a diary entry and then edit to the core.

I always say that an artist can make the script their own, and that I try to write to the minimum number of panels. Of all the artists in the script, Emma's the one who added most panels. This looks great, and is very much a part of her style.

Quick call-out to Clayton in the second panel of page 17: that tiny string of notes positioned either side of those captions is beyond perfect.

The last page is all kinds of sad. Perhaps unsurprisingly, I'm pleased with how the masks work on the page.

19-20

Second Rachael story. She's an enormous Lucifer fan, so was very excited to do this.

This is as simple as the stories get, in terms of a tiny yet meaningful continuity insert. This was there already, but I felt underlining it and reminding people of it at this point in the narrative is meaningful for obvious reasons.

(I had things I wanted to do in Imperial Phase II which I never found space for – or when I did find space, felt off and wrong.)

Writing Laura captions again after all this time was definitely a thing which took a while to find again. But I liked it.

(Spangly New Thing has captions to the fore again, for various reasons, so them as a formalist element is certainly on my mind.)

21-22-23-24-25-26

This absolutely was formative Indie Crush mode. Carla Speed McNeil's Finder was one of my initial loves when I came into comics in the early 00s. It's just astounding stuff. I'd suggest starting with Mystery Story, I suspect, but there's two big omnibuses of it, and I'd recommend just getting them. She's continuing doing other Finder stories alongside her work elsewhere.

It was originally 5 pages, but Carla suggested an extra page. I'd deliberately left an extra page space in the issue, in case anyone wanted more space... and Carla grabbed it. Good work.

When writing this, I was thinking of Carla's storytelling... but I also realised that a part of Carla's storytelling is to warp and make her own. Seeing what she would do with my script was a big part. I wanted the Carla magic applied, and she did – the extra page is a big part of that.

Notice how Tamra uses the palettes to distinguish the two different settings. Eleanor in the dark and Hazel in the light seems pretty useful, right?

That Lucifer and Amaterasu were friends and knew each other were one of the elements of the background I never had a chance to really run with, for obvious reasons. In the same way as I wanted to do some Dio/Baph pre-scenes, doing a Lucifer/Amaterasu: The Early Years appealed.

H's fanart was mentioned in issue 15, I believe.

As much as it's a dual story, it's really more about Lucifer. Amaterasu may not even appear to really aware of how much she's been slighted in the story. Or maybe she is? It is Eleanor's perspective. This is also the first dialogue we've ever had as Eleanor, rather than Lucifer reporting Eleanor. The resentment and anger is so much cleaner, the saying the unsayable aspect with less glitter.

Hazel is right. Eleanor is mean.

Adding a page appealed for various reasons, but at least part of it was that it's the only in-story chance to see a Lucifer performance. There was an alternate cover in the first arc, but it's not the same – though it's probably the same performance. We've talked about her Brixton performances before, and this is there. This would be a gig that Laura saw, as previously referenced.

The last page (and final panel of page 5) is a take on a scene that's already on canon – specifically, the story as reported in the WicDiv Magazine Special.

The last-minute panic of the issue was Jamie realising we'd forgotten to have Amaterasu’s facepaint on her in the final panel, so that was a quick patch from Tamra. Phew.

The “I'm sorry” panel is A+.

As an example of the Carla Speed McNeil of it all, the last montage of shots is her addition, which brings a visual closure to the sequence.

27-28

Back with Emma Viceli, with a missing scene after issue 8. The actual core details were alluded to in issue 10, but this actually takes us there. If you remember, at this point Inanna and Baal are no longer in any way romantically involved, but fucking the best friend of someone you were with is almost always drama. The purple and red colouring seems to make that be the subtext there.

We checked Laura's age here repeatedly, to ensure she was 18 in these images. It would be actively illegal if we messed up.

Clearly my fave thing is the call back to issue 4's PLAY IT COOL gag.

This issue's structure came after all the art started coming in. It's a mix-tape curation – in terms of what's the best order to take people on a journey. Things like Kris' story being first seemed obvious – his was the alternative cover after all, featuring Inanna and Baal, which makes it a de facto lead story. That this story is furthest along in the timeline made it a suitable end, plus that we open with Inanna/Baal. The real thing is that it's a story which ends with something resembling a concluding beat. “This is going to be complicated” feels like something that ends an issue in the way that many of the stories don't. I suspect the only other credible option was Chynna's story, with Dio/Baph riding off down a motorway. What feels like it could be an ending? What feels like Closure?

IBC

The titles were all added in the last minute, when we realised the best way to actually discern which story was which for the credits was to actually give them a title.  

SUMER LOVING was miscorrected to SUMMER LOVING at every stage of production, and had to be changed back every time. There is no love for Sumerian humour in the modern comic market place.

Anyway – off for the season now. The Imperial Phase II trade drops in January, followed by The Wicked + The Divine 1923 special in February and the new arc in March.

Thanks for reading.

[katalyna-rose]

Vhenan Chapter Six

Graphic Depictions of Violence

Solas/Female Lavellan, Fenris/Female Mage Hawke, Zevrain/Female Warden Mahariel

AKA: Lyna/Solas, Fenris/Alie, Zevran/Kahlia

Angst, Fluff, Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, Post-Canon, Mildly Conon-Divergent, Implied/Referenced Torture, Minor Iron Bull/Dorian Pavus, Minor Isablea/Merrill, Constructive Criticism Welcome

Summary: Solas, the Dread Wolf Fen'Harel, has left Lyna behind in an attempt to fix mistakes made thousands of years ago. Willing to destroy everything for his goals, he doesn’t realize exactly how determined Lyna is to show him a better path. Both worlds could thrive, given the chance. Her world is real and valid and deserves a chance, but so does his. There must be a middle ground.

And there is another reason that Lyna must find Solas, a secret kept from the world that attempted to put her up on a pedestal. But how would Thedas react to such a secret, such undeniable proof that their Herald of Andraste is a person like any other? That she is someone who loves, someone who makes mistakes, who bleeds and cries. And is having the Dread Wolf’s child.

Read on AO3!

From the Beginning

 Moonlight,

 Cullen is asking about you again. He says you never respond to his letters. Leliana still gets reports from you when you have anything to send, but Cullen and Josephine are feeling left out. I get that motherhood is exhausting and chasing down the father of your child is taxing in a lot of ways, but you’re neglecting your friends. When was the last time you left Hawke estate and went further than market? I know you’re laying low and all, but this isn’t healthy.

 Look, I get why you refused that property and title I promised you at the Exalted Council, but you could at least accept some invitations to socialize? You must be shriveling up from lack of interaction with actual people. I know you, Moonlight, and you need people. I know you want to stay hidden and all, but couldn’t you at least write to your friends? We’re worried.

 VT

**

 Varric,

 You’re right. I’m sorry. It’s just that between the post-partum depression and the general depression about Solas it’s been a little difficult to get excited about anything. My son is my only joy right now, and I know that’s not healthy.

 I don’t think I’m comfortable just yet navigating Kirkwall’s upper class and I’m definitely not willing to visit the Viscount’s palace, but why don’t you drop by sometime? You know Hawke and Fenris are always happy to have you.

 I’ll write to Cullen and Josie. You’re right, I’m not being fair to them.

 Moonlight

**

 Lyna,

 Maker’s breath, it’s been ages since I heard from you! If not for the reports Leliana gets I would start to get worried!

 Where are you getting your information, anyway? Leliana tells me that your last report was startlingly detailed and my men found exactly what was predicted. How did you even know there were ruins under the river in Emprise du Lion, let alone that there would be agents there?

 I’m glad to hear that your son is well. I hope this means that you’ll come back soon and work with us again. Without your presence, everyone feels a little slower, stilted. The entire cause feels a little possible. I understand why you left, but I’m sure that the people of Thedas could forgive you for having a child out of wedlock. It happens, after all, right?

 Or are you worried that they won’t accept who fathered the boy? I admit, to anyone who hadn’t seen the two of you together it might seem dangerous, but does anyone really have to know? It wouldn’t be the first time such a thing happened.

 I don’t mean to press. I would simply feel much better knowing you were somewhere I could keep you safe. But it’s good to know that you and your son are well.

 Cullen Stanton Rutherford

 **

Lyna,

 It is so good to hear from you! Leliana keeps me apprised, of course, but you say so little about yourself in your reports to her. They are wonderful reports, to be sure, but they leave us all a little worried about your health.

 Are you eating enough? Are you taking care of yourself? Is your son well? What does he look like? What is his favorite toy? I wish I could meet him!

 I’m certain that Cullen has asked you to come back, and as much as we would all love to have you, I really do not believe that Thedas could handle knowing that you’ve had a child with a man who is almost our enemy. There are many who do not understand the distinction between enemy and misguided rival and would view both you and your son with suspicion and even hostility. I am sorry if this causes you distress, but you asked me to always be honest with you about such things.

 Unfortunately, enough people know about your past relationship with our favorite apostate that it would not be feasible to hide the boy’s parentage for long. And, unfortunately, to attempt such a thing would be seen as the greatest insult by many. I am sorry, my friend, but I think that, for now, it is better that you remain hidden. Leliana and I will keep Cullen in check, never fear! Though she is very busy with her duties as Divine, she always finds time to step in whenever he might do something rash, and her spies are as active as ever. Sometimes I wonder if she ever sleeps or if she hasn’t so much as napped in the past year, but she always claims to be taking care of her health. It wouldn’t do for us to lose the Divine again so quickly! And she is a dear friend.

 Take care of yourself, my friend. I hope you still drink jasmine tea every night like you used to. I try to stick with the routine as it gives me a measure of comfort, but I sometimes forget. But I think that the smell of jasmine will forever make me think of cold nights in your room at Skyhold and endless gossip! As odd as it sounds, what with all the dangers and horrors and demons and politicking, I miss those days. I suppose in truth, I simply miss your company. You have always been the best friend I could have hoped for, with the exception of Leliana, perhaps!

 I miss you. Please write to me often!

 Josephine Montilyet

**

  My friend,

 It has been ages since your we last shared report rapport! I do so miss lead having you here. We used to discover find such interesting things around the lion that statue! Remember when we I found bought six seven of those magical rings by the fountain? And that shop with the talisman necklaces? So pretty! But our rival friend never wanted to come! I kept asking why, but he would never reveal say! And then he vanished moved away in the spring! I miss him. Don’t you?

 Oh, please visit soon! It’s so boring without you here.

 L

Lyna rolled her eyes and got to work on the decoding of Leliana’s letter until it read as it should.

 My friend,

 Your last report led to a discovery in Emprise du Lion. We found six magical talismans that Solas was after under the waterfall. An agent was captured, revealed nothing, and vanished by dawn. Unable to track him down again.

 Send more information when you gather it.

 Leliana            

**

Lyna danced slowly around her room in Hawke’s estate, the nine-week-old boy in her arms calming slowly as she rocked him.

“You’re so much like your father,” she told him with a smile. “You’ve stolen my heart exactly as fast.” She kissed his wispy dark curls. “Never forget that you are born of love, no matter what losses result,” she whispered against his silken skin. “My little love child, your fate is yours alone.”

He reached up and patted her face, then made a demanding little noise. She grinned at him. “A story? Again? I’ve already told you one tonight,” she reminded him. He made that little mewling noise again. “Alright, alright. I’ll tell you another story,” she capitulated. She hummed, thinking. “Ah! How about I tell you about how I met your father?” he nestled into her chest and wrapped her hair around his little fist.

“I’m glad you agree,” she told him conversationally as she continued to slowly dance around with him. “Well, let’s see…

“We met after the Temple of Sacred Ashes exploded when Corypheus unlocked the Orb of Fen’Harel. I’d been caught in the explosion and received the Anchor on accident while trying to save the Divine. He’d stopped it from consuming me and made sure I would live, at least for a while. Cassandra, a Seeker and Right Hand of the Divine, wanted to see if it could be used to close the Breach that threatened to destroy the world. She took me to a rift near Haven, where some soldiers and volunteers were battling the endless stream of demons pouring out of the Fade. We helped them defeat those who had already come through, then I felt my hand grabbed.

“’Quickly, before more come through!’ he cried, and thrust my hand at the rift. And it closed, like magic. Which it was, naturally. I could hardly believe it, even though I’d felt the power coursing between the mark on my hand and the tear in the Veil.

“’What did you do?’ I asked him. And then I looked. I think I loved him right then, with my first glimpse. He was regal, tall for an elf, completely bald, with intense blue eyes and sharp features. And he wasn’t nearly as subtle as he thought.

“He smiled at me and my breath caught. ‘I did nothing,” he told me. ‘The credit is yours.’

“Of course, it really wasn’t. Not then, at least. I had no idea what I was doing.” Solas burped and snuggled deeper into her embrace. She smiled at him as he slid slowly toward sleep.

“He is remarkable, is your father,” she told him softly. “Brilliant and wise and kind and compassionate. I talked to him for hours, never tiring of his beautiful voice or the way he viewed the world. We would read together, each researching different subjects, or taking turns reading the same book, trading passages aloud. He sat on a couch in the rotunda at Skyhold and I laid my head in his lap. I fell asleep like that more than once, and woke to find that he had carefully extracted my book from my hands and marked my page for me. He never complained about it, either; he just seemed to enjoy my presence. He painted frescoes on the walls of the rotunda and they were the most beautiful art I have ever seen. Each of them depicted the things I had done to try to save the world from Corypheus. They were amazing, with a wonderful eye to color and texture. I miss that tower, though not as much as I miss the man who spent so much time there.” She sighed and smiled sadly at her son.

“I need to find some way to tell him about you, da’mi,” she told him gently. “He should know, even if he never meets you.” Solas started snoring gently, so she laid him carefully in his crib and tucked his blankets around him. “Even though he might leave or it might change nothing at all, he deserves to know about his son…” She kissed his forehead and stood.

“That is not true,” whispered a soft voice from a shadowed corner of the room.

Lyna leapt into a defensive position, a dagger in her hand, her son protected behind her, a snarl on her face. But when she saw who stepped out of the shadows, arms out beside him, unarmed though never unprotected, her dagger fell from limp fingers and her snarl turned to open-mouthed shock.

“Solas…” She breathed his name, terrified that she was dreaming again or hallucinating or that if she spoke this spell would be broken and she’d be alone with her sorrows once more.

He shuddered at the sound of his name and stepped forward. He retrieved the dagger she’d dropped and slipped it into the little sheath strapped to her ruined arm without touching her. And then they simply stood there, staring at each other in breathless shock, until the silence became unbearable.

“What isn’t true?” she whispered, desperate to hear him speak, to know why he’d come, to see him look at his son for the first time. One corner of his mouth turned up just a little.

“This changes everything,” he breathed, reaching forward. He gently wiped away a tear that had fallen onto her cheek. She hadn’t realized she’d started crying, but once she knew she couldn’t seem to stop. “Please, vhenan,” he said softly, moving closer, taking her face in his hands. She closed her eyes briefly at the familiar warmth of his palms on her cheeks, irrationally comforting her. “Allow me a place in your life once more, and I will never betray your trust again.”

“Why?” she asked in a whisper, a thousand questions wrapped up in that one word. A tear dripped down his cheek, startling her. Why was he crying?

“I could tell you that I would not abandon my child. But that would be only part of the truth.” She frowned, confused and overwhelmed. “The reason I sought you out now is because I cannot bear to live without you any longer.” Her jaw dropped open as his thumbs gently caressed her cheeks, wiping away her tears as quickly as they fell. Does he mean this? she wondered. Truly? You call for me in the Fade and my soul calls back. You find me in dreams and it feels so right that I no longer remember why I had convinced myself that it was not. I see you searching for me every night and I want to be caught. What remains of the Inquisition works with my agents instead of against them and I see your hand in that, your guidance. You would aid me even from so far away from both me and your people. I can no longer stay away. I can hardly remember why I had been so certain I had to. If you have found a way to do all of this, then surely you can find a way to help me, to guide me to a better path. I do not want the people of this world to suffer.” She choked on a sob and one hand slid into her hair, fingers running across her scalp in a way he knew would soothe her. “I cannot stay away any longer, no matter the consequences. If you demand that I leave, I will go. But I will never be far away. Never again.”

And then she collapsed, fainted dead away.

Lyna woke slowly, hearing agitated voices nearby arguing in hushed tones.

“So you thought it was a good idea to just show up out of nowhere and assault her?”

“I did no such thing! I do not know why she collapsed, but I suspect it was shock.”

“Not to mention that you’re trespassing in my house!”

“I couldn’t very well walk up and ring the bell. There are many who would see me dead and I needed to remain undetected.”

“And one of them is in this room, Dread Wolf.”

“Stop it, Hawke,” Lyna moaned, trying to sit up, surprised to find herself in her own bed on top of the sheets. Suddenly, she was surrounded by concerned faces. Hawke and Fenris elbowed Solas behind them and he didn’t fuss or fight about it. Hawke propped her up while Fenris piled pillows behind her, but she barely noticed.

He was here. The man she loved, the man she wanted more than anything else, the man she’d spent almost a year chasing across all of Thedas. He was standing just there, just out of reach. She needed him to close the distance.

“Solas,” she said on a breath and watched emotions flicker behind his eyes, so open and yet unreadable, his thoughts veiled only by their complexity. She held her hand out to him and he stepped forward to take it. Fenris grabbed his wrist before he could and backed him into the wall, pressing a blade against his neck.

“Stop!” Lyna cried, struggling to her feet despite the wave of dizziness that assaulted her. “Fenris, don’t!” Little Solas, in his crib, woke at the sound of his mother’s distress and started screaming. She ignored him and launched herself at Fenris, but Hawke held her back. “Let me go!” she yelled to her friend, twisting in her grip, clawing at the arms that held her to no avail. “Don’t hurt him, Fenris!”

“I know what you are. I know what you’ve done,” Fenris growled, low and dangerous and menacing. “If you hurt her, or her son, or anyone that I care about, I will hunt you to the ends of the world and beyond. I will not stop until I destroy you, by any means necessary.”

“I have no intention of harming anyone here,” Solas replied calmly. He was motionless, allowing himself to be held against the wall, but a dangerous light gleamed in his eyes; the Dread Wolf was not someone to threaten lightly. Lyna had no doubt that Solas was allowing this to happen and that Fenris wouldn’t stand a chance against him if he fought back.

“Fenris,” Lyna pleaded, unable to break free from Alie’s hold to stop him. “Let him go. You’ve made your point. Enough!” But Fenris stayed still for a moment longer before finally releasing Solas. Once Fenris had sheathed his blade, Alie released her.

She ran to him. Without even thinking about what she was doing, Lyna threw herself at Solas. A split second before she made contact, she wondered if he would even open his arms for her. But he did more than that. Solas took a step forward and met her mid-stride, wrapping her up in his warm arms and swinging her around. He showered kisses on her hair and face, crying with her.

When they finally calmed down enough to release each other, Hawke and Fenris were gone. Lyna wiped her eyes and laughed a little, then went to calm her still-screaming son. His cries slowed as soon as he saw her. She scooped him up into her arm and he wrapped a hand in her hair, put a thumb in his mouth, and quieted.

She took a deep, steadying breath and turned to Solas. His gaze was fixed on the small bundle cradled in her arm.

“He has your eyes,” he whispered reverently. She smiled.

“Yes,” she told him. “And your hair, it seems. He certainly didn’t get that mahogany color from me.”

Suddenly, like the sun coming up after a long and cold night, Solas grinned and closed the distance between them. He reached out and gently stroked his son’s cheek. The baby, for his part, instantly released his mother’s hair to reach out and grab Solas’s finger. She looked up at him and laughed when she saw that he was already enamored with the child.

“What did you name him?” Solas asked after a moment, voice still soft.

“I named him for his father.” His head jerked back as though she’d slapped him and he looked at her with wide eyes.

“Truly?” He seemed shocked. “Why?” She smiled at him.

“I hoped he would grow up to share the best of his father. I hoped that he would be brave and strong and smart and true. Willing to fight for what he believes is right. Compassionate almost to a fault. So that’s what I named him.”

With the hand that wasn’t being clutched with fat little fingers, Solas caressed her face gently. “I cannot fathom how I ever expected to be able to stay away from you,” he whispered. He leaned in and her breath started to come faster as his gaze fastened on her mouth.

“Ir abelas, vhenan. I know that my apologies will never be enough,” he whispered just before his lips met hers.

Soft and sweet and warm, firm shape yielding to her, his lips were just as she remembered. He held her head gently, touching her with only the fingers of one hand and his lips. She sighed against his mouth and licked his lip. He opened for her readily and his tongue danced with hers, as sweet an apology as she had ever received. She could have stayed there forever, their son in her arm and holding his father, their lips pressed together and tongues twining, his fingers gently stroking her cheek.

It was a long time before Solas pulled back, though Lyna truly thought that she could have kissed him for hours. He smiled down at his son and gently shook the fingers the infant still held, startling a giggle form the little boy. With his other hand, he delicately touched the wisps of dark hair that capped his skull

“Do you want to hold him?” Lyn asked after watching Solas explore his child for a while. He froze and looked up at her.

“If… you would allow it,” he said hesitantly. She smiled at him and the expression soften his own, caution blending into adoration.

“I would not keep you from it,” she told him softly. He swallowed hard and reached out for his son. The infant transferred easily from mother to father, rolling slightly and clutching at the soft pelt that was wrapped around Solas’s shoulders. Lyna repositioned his hands slightly, making certain the babe was properly supported in his father’s grasp. With an adorable little yawn and burble of noise, their son settled into his father’s embrace and drifted off to sleep again.

“He’s never this calm with new people,” Lyna whispered, watching her son grasp at his father’s chest, flexing his little fists in the fur.

“Never?” Solas asked, his voice equally soft.

“No. He always fusses when someone he doesn’t know holds him, sometimes so indignant that I have no choice but to take him back. And he never falls asleep in anyone’s arms but my own.” She looked up and met his eyes to see that tears still swam in those blue depths that she had missed so dearly.

“Lyna,” he whispered, and the sound of her name on his lips, whispered like a prayer, made her breath catch. Without thinking, she reached her left arm towards him, intending to caress his face. She was startled for a moment, as she still sometimes was, when she was unable to make contact before she remembered her missing arm. Blushing at the slip, the sign of weakness often covered by a prosthetic when she was out in public, she lowered what remained of her arm and instead used the hand she still possessed to lightly brush her fingertips over his cheek.

But he was frowning at the incomplete appendage. She turned her body slightly to hide it, as had become her habit when people stared at the missing limb, and he met her eyes again.

“There is something…” he began, then paused. He looked down at the sleeping infant he still held. “We should put him to bed,” he said. She nodded and helped him lay their son in his crib.

“Here,” he said quietly, and magic, soft and blue, sparked at his fingertips just above the crib.

Alarmed, Lyna caught his wrist, interrupting the spell. “What are you doing?” she asked tightly.

The magic had died from his hands as soon as she objected, his other hand falling to his side harmlessly. Her suspicion hurt him, she could see, but he wouldn’t object, likely believed that he deserved it. He probably did.

“A muffling spell,” he said softly. “Any noises from inside the crib can be heard clearly from without, but he will hear only well-muffled sounds. It will allow him to remain undisturbed by our conversation and allow us more freedom with volume.” She didn’t release him, casting a nervous glance to her sleeping son. “I will not cast it, if you prefer. I merely wished to make things a little easier on you.”

It was a question of trust, she realized. And it was more than a simple spell. If she allowed him to freedom to cast magic so close to her son, she was telling him and revealing to herself that she trusted him implicitly. All too easily he could remove this tether, destroy them both so that he might suffer no more distractions. Or he could do as he claimed, cast his muffling spell so that they could speak freely without worry for waking their son and decide where to go from there. Did she trust him? She already knew her answer before the unspoken question was even asked.

Lyna dropped his wrist. “Yes,” she said softly, keeping her eyes averted, somewhat embarrassed to have stopped him to begin with. “It sounds like that would be very useful.”

Solas hesitated a moment longer, eyes scanning her face, then cast his spell, blue sparks forming like a net around the crib, the power pure and beautiful.

“It is done,” he said at a normal volume, no longer whispering. Lyna nodded but said nothing, watching the soft sparks over the crib and unsure of how to proceed. The silence stretched between them, awkward and tense, until he broke it.

“There is something I could do for you, if you wish it, that I did not have the strength to accomplish before,” he said slowly. He took a half step closer and, with a gentle touch, ran a fingertip along her jaw, asking her to look at him. She did, unable now as ever to resist his touch. In his eyes she saw both sorrow and love, the strength of the emotions paining her. What must he be thinking? “I stole your arm from you when I destroyed the Anchor to keep it from destroying you. But now I can give back your arm as it was before the Anchor’s touch.”

Lyna jerked in surprise, her eyes widening. “You can give it back?” her eyes slid to the crib. How desperately she wanted to be able to hold him with both arms! To stroke his face as she held him, to be able to untangle her hair from his fists!

She started nodding, still not looking away from her son and all the possibilities that a restored limb would open. She hated her prosthetic and her son hated it more, but a true arm would be the most amazing blessing. “It will hurt,” Solas warned.

“I don’t care,” she declared, confident that she could handle it.

His touch asked her to look at him again and she complied happily, still imagining all the things she could do with both her arms again. “You will feel it all,” Solas insisted, his face dark and serious. “You will feel the scar rip to allow the new bone to form. You will feel the muscle knit across the bone and the veins take shape. You will feel your skin stretch to cover the new limb. It will be agony.” The idea of her pain tightened his face and Lyna wasn’t quite sure what to make of that.

“It is worth the pain,” she told him seriously, “to be able to hold my son with both arms.”

Solas hesitated a moment longer, then nodded. With gentle hands, he stretched the stump of Lyna’s arm out beside her, stepping closer until they were only a few inches apart. She took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of his skin as her eyes fluttered closed. He smelled just as he always had, the exotic spice of his skin, the salt and musk of male, combining with the scents of paint and charcoal and leather-bound books and the heated static of magic. At the edges of the scent she knew so well, she detected elfroot and other herbs, which was new. He’d never been an alchemist before, but the scent was unmistakable. She wondered if he was wounded and had spread a salve on a wound or if he carried dried herbs in the pockets of his clothing for some reason, but she couldn’t tell for certain.

Her skin warmed gently as he began the spell to restore her limb, but the feeling quickly became scorching heat, the end of her incomplete limb dipped in molten metal. She bit her lip, her head falling forward against the mage’s chest. She stepped into his form, needing to be closer, and he wrapped an arm around her gently after a moment’s hesitation, one hand still holding her ruined arm away from her body as the spell continued.

As the agony expanded beyond any pain that Lyna had ever known and she could no longer contain her sounds of distress, though she refused to allow herself to scream, she turned her face into Solas’s neck, breathing deep of his intoxicating and comforting scent, muffling her cries with his flesh. The feeling of his arm tight around her, his hand smoothing up and down her back, and his familiar scent filling her nose allowed her to endure the pain without fighting him.

Her lip split between her teeth and blood trickled down her chin, but she couldn’t let up on the pressure, the sharp pain in her mouth preferable to the searing agony in her arm. It seemed to go on forever, though she knew that it only took a few minutes for the new limb to form.

Finally, after what felt like a lifetime, the white hot pain faded and the sparks traveling along all her nerves were all that remained of the ordeal. She finally released her lip from her teeth and panted in relief, her shoulders slumping, relaxing into the Dread Wolf’s embrace.

“Vhenan?” he whispered questioningly, releasing her arm and leaning back, trying to get a look at her. She let him draw her away from his chest, though she wanted only to curl up against him and sleep for a week. His brows drew together sharply when he saw her face and he took a quick breath. His thumb swiped gently at the blood on her chin, but she couldn’t bring herself to care what she looked like now that the pain was finally gone. Her lip throbbed forcefully, but even that unpleasant sensation was a relief in the absence of indescribable agony.

A moment later, a tingling touch spread across her ruined lower lip, bringing soothing coolness with it; he was healing her lip for her. He smiled gently, pulling a handkerchief from some unseen pocket and using it to wipe away the blood. She sighed and closed her eyes, leaning into his careful touch.

“Vhenan?” he whispered again when she still made no more to step away or test the new arm or say anything at all. “Lyna, please…”

The edge of fear in his voice, his worry for her, broke the shell around her mind and she thought again. She thought that perhaps she had almost gone into shock from that horrid pain, but it was time to bring herself back. She opened her eyes and smiled at him, then looked down at her left side. Carefully, tentatively, as if moving it would ignite that agony again, she lifted her arm.

She look a ragged breath as she examined her forearm and hand, the skin whole and healthy, looking just like the one she’d lost except for the absence of the Anchor in her palm. She grinned as she flexed her fingers, running her other hand over the new one, feeling the delicate bones in her wrist.

Despite her earlier intentions to go immediately to her son, Lyna could not resist looking up at the man she still loved, who watched her exploration stoically, and place her newly restored hand against his cheek.

With a raw groan, he closed his eyes and leaned into her touch only to open them again and watch her face, love and relief and agony in his gaze. She stroked his face gently, feeling the sharpness of his cheekbone under smooth skin. Gently, tentatively, she traced the details of his face, touching the dark circles under his eyes and the hollows in his cheeks that hadn’t been there before, smoothing her fingers over his eyebrow and exploring the smooth, bare expanse of his scalp. He hissed in a sharp breath when she ran a finger gently along the blade of his ear, the touch one she remembered could drive him wild when they were intimate. She was almost surprised that her touch still had that effect on him.

He caught her wrist when she continued to play with the tip of his ear, pressing a kiss against her palm before lacing his fingers with hers. He caught her gaze, eyes full of raw emotion that she begin to decipher.

“Vhenan,” he whispered again, and her breath caught as the endearment left his lips.

“Is this even real?” Lyna asked, scarcely daring to believe that it could be. Instead of answering, Solas sifted his fingers through her hair, loose and flowing past her shoulders, then trailed the backs of his fingers over her collarbone, then gently touched her cheek.

“Does it feel real?” he asked. She nodded slowly. They had been together in the Fade before and there was no mistaking that experience for this. He was real and solid, standing in front of their son’s crib in her room in Hawke’s estate.

“How long will it continue to be real?” she asked in a whisper. He closed his eyes, seemingly in pain, but she didn’t understand. He never stayed and she only wanted to know if they would have this one night or if he could be gone sooner.

With a speed that made her cry out in surprise, he gripped her face in his hands and crushed his lips against hers. This kiss was nothing like the one he had bestowed upon her earlier. That had been gentle, a soft embrace, a sweet apology. This was raw, undiluted passion, nearly violent in its intensity, their need clashing and crashing together. His hands explored the curves of her face roughly, calloused fingers tracing her high, prominent cheekbones and the short point of her chin before snaking back through her white hair again. With desperation that bordered on pain, he took her mouth hard. He thrust his tongue into her mouth, flicking it against her own, then took her newly-healed lip between his teeth with no attempt at restraint. He tilted his head to the other side to take her from a new angle, never slowing as he attempted to devour her.

And she had no desire to protest or resist. She kissed him with a matching urgency, by no means simply letting him take what he clearly needed. She demanded him in return, sparring with his tongue when it passed her lips, nipping him back when he bit her. Her hands gripped him tight and held him close, her new fingers sliding along the cotton of his tunic and the fur of the pelt he wore over it. There was no armor beneath her hands, as there had been the last time she’d seen him in the waking world. He was not dressed for battle or intimidation. Instead he was dressed for travel in styles she remembered a certain humble apostate preferred, though the quality of the cloth was much higher than what he’d worn when he’d worked with the Inquisition. The wolf’s jawbone he wore on a long cord around his neck dug into her ribs where she pressed against him, just as it always had. And it was too much, too familiar, too perfect, necessary like water, and she couldn’t believe in it after everything that had happened.

“Stop!” she cried, finally breaking the kiss by throwing her head back. They were both breathing hard as he allowed her to withdraw, though he maintained his hold on her face. He pressed his forehead to hers, staying pressed against her tightly, unwilling to relinquish his grasp on her even when she squirmed half-heartedly in his grip.

“What is this, Solas?” she demanded as she caught her breath. “Why are you here?”

“For you,” he said harshly, the intensity of his tone staggering her. “Because I will not be parted from you for another moment.”

She tore herself out of his grasp and met his eyes. “What changed?” she asked, watching his expression. He seemed to wince, just for a moment. “You have told me so many times that we cannot be together, that you will not share your path with me. What changed?”

“Nothing,” he said, and she flinched away before he caught her. “In essence,” he told her slowly, intently, holding her still by gripping her shoulders, “I am a selfish creature. I always have been. In my youth, I was rash, reckless, inconsiderate. I sought pleasure for its own sake and cared nothing for the consequences. I cannot be that way anymore, and I have no desire to be, but I am still selfish.” He pressed his brow to hers again. “Falling in love with you was selfish. Allowing the relationship to bloom was selfish. Leaving you in the way I did was incredibly selfish and cruel, though I tried to convince myself that it was for your own good as well as mine. And now my selfishness will not allow me to leave again. I want you too much, I love you too much to turn away.”

Lyna pulled away again and slapped his hands away when he reached for her. It was her turn to grab his face, to trap him and force him to look at her. “You would take me with you now? You would take me and our son to wherever it is you have been hiding all this time? You would weave us into the strange fabric of your life and allow me to walk this path with you?”

“I will,” he said, voice breaking low on the vow. “Whatever it takes, whatever I must do to earn your trust back, I will do it. I will lay the world at your feet and beg for scraps of attention if that is what you ask. I will tear your enemies asunder. I will-“

“I don’t want that,” she said quickly, cutting him off. “That isn’t…” She stopped and took a breath. “I can annihilate my own enemies. I don’t need you for that.”

“Then what do you want?” he asked softly. “What is it that you need from me?”

“An apology would be a good start,” she told him. Nearly a year of anger had begun building in her chest and now it demanded release.

“Ir abelas, vhenan,” he said without hesitation. “I am sorry that I left you without explanation. I am sorry that I hurt you. I am so sorry that I left you naked and alone in that glen. If I could take it all back, I would. I would go back to that morning and I would tell you what I had brought you out to such a secluded place to say. I would have fallen to my knees before you and begged for forgiveness that I do not deserve for my deception. I would have told you who I truly am and asked if you could ever love the Dread Wolf, even though I do not deserve your affection.”

She stilled, certain that she had misheard, hoping that she had. “You meant to tell me the truth that day?” she asked, her voice distant and barely sounding like her own.

He nodded. “I brought you there to tell you the truth that you deserved to hear from me. I lost my nerve at the last moment and told you about the Vallaslin instead.”

“You bastard!” she cried, striking his chest with both hands. He took a half step back, shocked by her sudden and uncharacteristic rage. “You could have prevented all of this!” She hit him again, the force of the strike pushing him back. She was shaking with fury, her vision swimming with hazy red. “You could have been with me when I was pregnant!” Another furious push against him. He did nothing to defend himself, simply taking her violent anger as his due. “You could have greeted our son as he entered the world! You could have saved me from all the pitying looks people gave the lonely, pregnant cripple who was not even worth a visit from the father of her child! I was just a pathetic woman living off the charity of her friends!” In her anger and agony, she slapped him across the face. Her newly formed palm cracked loudly against his cheek and his head whipped to the side painfully. Her palm stung, fingers sore from the force of the blow, but he did not retaliate. He simply straightened and looked at her again, his cheek turning angry red before her eyes. He did not heal it, though it might bruise. “You left me!” she shrieked, in far too much pain to keep quiet. “You took my heart and you left with it!”

And just like that, her anger evaporated. Hot tears slid down her face and she hung her head, falling to her knees. She was drained, exhausted by the strength of her rage and its sudden departure that left only despair behind.

“You left me,” she murmured, feeling again the same confusion and despair she had experienced when she realized he was gone and he wasn’t coming back. Tears fell, the same tears she’d cried each night for weeks as she ran her hands over her growing middle and wished that long artist’s fingers would twine with hers over the life that they had created within her.

Solas followed her to the floor and held her against his chest as she sobbed, clutching at him as if he would disappear at any moment. He held her silently, stroking her gently, offering comfort that she was too exhausted and too desperate for to reject.

After a long while, her ears finally dried, her sobs dissolving into hiccups. Still he held her, his grip gentle and soft. She didn’t know how long they sat there on the floor, but eventually she fell asleep, still cradled in his arms like a delicate treasure.

[shou7]

Translation: I Want to Eat Your Pancreas by Yoru Sumino (Chapter 4)

Synopsis

One day, I - a high schooler - found a paperback in the hospital. The “Disease Coexistence Journal” was its title. It was a diary that my classmate, Sakura Yamauchi, had written in secret. Inside, it was written that due to her pancreatic disease, her days were numbered. And thus, I coincidentally went from Just-a-Classmate to a Secret-Knowing-Classmate. It was as if I were being drawn to her, who was my polar opposite. However, the world presented the girl that was already suffering from an illness with an equally cruel reality…

The best-selling, award-winning debut work by Yoru Sumino: “Bestsellers 2016 (Overall) by NIPPAN” - 4th Place “Bestsellers 2016 (Paperback Fiction) by NIPPAN” - 1st Place “Bestsellers 2016 (Overall) by TOHAN” - 5th Place “Bestsellers 2016 (Literary Books) by TOHAN” - 1st Place “Bookstore Grand Prix 2016” - 2nd Place “DA VINCI BOOK OF THE YEAR 2015” - 2nd Place “Bestsellers 2015 (Literary Books) by TOHAN” - 6th Place As of January 2017, this book has sold over 720,000 copies.

Please buy the book to support the author. (amazon.com)

Download the complete volume in PDF format here, or in ePUB format here.

(Chapter Index)

　

The ‘Disease Coexistence Journal’ is, in essence, her will - that is what I believe. In that unused paperback, she writes about the everyday things she sees and feels, leaving them behind. Evidently, it seemed that this method of recording had rules unique to her.

I couldn’t say I knew any for certain, but was fairly sure of a few that I had observed. Firstly, she wasn’t simply recording her day-to-day experiences. Days where she saw something special, days where she felt something special - within the ‘Disease Coexistence Journal’, she compiled only things that were of value in leaving behind after her own death.

Secondly, she chose not to leave behind non-textual information in the ‘Disease Coexistence Journal’. It seemed she thought that things like drawings or graphs didn’t fit in a paperback, choosing to only write with a black ball pen on the ‘Disease Coexistence Journal’.

Lastly, she decided that she wouldn’t show anyone the ‘Disease Coexistence Journal’ until she died. With the exception of me, having seen the very first page due even more so to a force majeure than a blunder on her part, no one else had seen her life’s records. It seems that she had told her parents to release it to all her loved ones after her death. Whatever its present purpose, those around her would receive her message after she died, thus making it something akin to her will.

But even though nobody should have been able to influence those records or be affected by them until she died, just once, I had given her my opinion on the ‘Disease Coexistence Journal’.

It was regarding my name - I didn’t want it to appear in the ‘Disease Coexistence Journal’. It was simply because I didn’t want to receive any unnecessary scrutiny or criticism from her parents and friends after her death. In the midst of our library committee work, she had made a remark regarding the ‘Disease Coexistence Journal’ that “various people appear inside”. It was then that I formally requested the omission of my name. Her answer - “I’m the one writing it so that’s up to me.” I swallowed whatever more words I had. “If you say you don’t like it, it makes me want to do it even more,” she added. I resigned myself to the trouble that would ensue after my classmate’s death.

With that said, my name had probably already been written down together with the episodes involving yakinku and dessert, but for the two days after we had gone to Dessert Paradise, my name shouldn’t have appeared in the ‘Disease Coexistence Journal’.

The reason was that in those two days, I hadn’t exchanged a single word with her at school. It wasn’t unusual or anything, since we had always done our own thing in class. Instead, it could be said that those days adorned by yakiniku and desserts were the irregular ones.

I had attended school, taken tests, and returned home quietly. Though I often felt the stares of her best friend and those from that group, I determined that there was no need for me to go out of my way to be affected by them.

Nothing truly special had happened in those two days. If I were forced to pick something, there were only two minor incidents, the first of which - while I was silently sweeping the corridor, a boy that normally didn’t even so much as look at me had come to talk to me.

“Yo, Plain-Classmate, are ya dating Yamauchi?”

His rather inelegant manner of speaking had a sort of freshness to it. I suspected that it may have been the case that he carried some affection for her, and in turn was illogically angry at me, but his appearance suggested otherwise. Judging by the look on his face, he wasn’t the slightest bit upset, in fact, there was some air of misplaced glee about him. He must have been one of those frivolous people that were like bundles of curiosity.

“No, absolutely not.”

“That so? But the both of ya had dessert, right?”

“We just happened to have a meal together.”

“What’s with that?”

“Why are you interested?”

“Hm? Ah, don’t tell me ya think I like Yamauchi? No way! Look, I like girls that are more refined.”

Even though I didn’t ask, he continued to blabber on nonchalantly. It seemed that the only thing we could agree on was that she wasn’t refined.

“I see, so we had the wrong idea, but everyone in class is buzzing ‘bout it ya know.”

“It’s all a misunderstanding, so I don’t mind it.”

“How mature, ya want some gum?”

“Not really. Could you hold the dustpan for me?”

“Leave it to me.”

He was flaky and always skipped out on cleaning duty, so I thought he’d turn me down. But contrary to expectations, he helpfully held onto the dustpan for me. Perhaps he didn’t understand the concept of clean-up time, and had someone taught him, he’d have been willing to do it properly.

He didn’t pursue the matter any further than that. This was the first incident that happened within those two days that I found to be irregular.

Having a conversation with a classmate wasn’t that unpleasant, but while the next irregularity was trivial, it had put me into somewhat of a melancholic mood. The bookmark that should have been sandwiched within my paperback had gone missing. Though I fortunately remembered the scene I had read up to, it wasn’t something that was distributed for free at bookshops and the like; it was something made of thin plastic that I had bought when I went to the museum previously. I didn’t know when it had gone missing, but in any case, even though I wasn’t the least bit bitter that my own carelessness was the root cause, I felt down for the first time in a while.

However, despite feeling down about something that was ultimately superficial, those two days were normal for me. And since the norm for me was tranquillity - that meant I hadn’t been haunted by the girl who was close to death.

The beginning of regularity’s end began on Wednesday night. I was enjoying the last of “normalcy” when I received a single message.

No matter how much I hoped and wished, nothing could change the fact that at that time, I hadn’t noticed the signs of abnormality beginning - it was probably because I was a character. Even in novels, the only ones that knew the setting of the first chapter were the readers. The characters themselves don’t know a single thing.

The message’s contents were as such:

“Good job with the tests! We’re getting a day off from the tests tomorrow, aren’t we? [smiley face] To get right to the point, will you be free? You’ll be free anyway right? I’m thinking of going on a trip on the train! [peace sign] Anywhere you want to go?”

Her making assumptions about people’s circumstances sort of ruined my mood, but she had hit the bull’s-eye when she said I was free, and I didn’t have any reason to turn her down, so I replied, “I’m fine with going anywhere you want to go to before you die.”

Of course, this would later come back to bite me in the neck. I simply should have known better than to leave the decision-making to her.

And so, the message specifying the place and time soon followed. The rendezvous point was a large and prominent train station within the prefecture, and the time was peculiarly early, but I wrote it off as just another one of her many whims.

I replied with a message containing just two characters, and she responded with the last message I received that day.

“You absolutely can’t break this promise okay?”

No matter how much we opposed each other, I fundamentally never broke promises, so I replied with a final “alright” and left my cellphone on my desk.

As a spoiler, the word “promise” was the crux of the girl’s trick. Actually, perhaps it was only I who had interpreted it as a trick. I’d thought that the “promise” she mentioned referred to our outing tomorrow. I was wrong. Her “promise” referred to my slip of the tongue - “I’m fine with going anywhere you want to go to before you die.”

The next day, I headed to our meeting place early in the morning and found her already waiting there. She was carrying a sky blue backpack that she usually didn’t bring along, and wearing a straw hat that she usually didn’t put on - she looked as though she were leaving on a journey.

Before we even exchanged greetings, she expressed her shock at my appearance.

“You’re dressed too lightly! Is that all you’re carrying? What about your change of clothes?”

“…………Change of clothes?”

“Hmm, well, I guess you can just buy some over there. Seems like there’ll be a Uniqlo.”

“Over there? Uniqlo?”

That was the first time I felt signs of unease in my heart.

Treating my misgivings and questions like wind to her ears, she looked at her watch and responded with the question - “have you eaten breakfast?”

“It wasn’t very filling, but I had bread.”

“I haven’t eaten. Is it fine if we get something?”

I thought that there wasn’t any particular issue with that, so I assented. She grinned and started to head towards her destination in large strides. I had assumed that we were headed to a convenience store, but we arrived at a bento store instead.

“Huh, you’re getting a railway bento?”

“Yeah, it’s for eating on the Shinkansen. Are you getting one too?”

“Wait wait wait wait wait.”

I grabbed the upper arm of the girl that was happily admiring the bentos lined up on the display, and pulled her away from the cashier. The granny at the register had been smiling pleasantly as she glanced at the girl, but when their eyes met a second time, the girl wore a shocked expression, giving the granny a shock too.

“That should be my expression.”

“What’s wrong?

"Shinkansen? Railway bento? Explain properly - what exactly are we doing today?”

“Like I said, we’re going on a trip on the train.”

“So by 'train’, you meant the Shinkansen? And when you say 'trip’, just how far do you mean for us to go?”

After making a face that said she finally remembered something, she plunged her hand into her pocket and took out two rectangular pieces of paper. I immediately recognised that they were tickets.

She passed me one, and after taking a look at it, my eyes spread wide open.

“Um, is this a joke?”

She chortled. It seemed like she was serious.

“It says we’re not going somewhere for a day trip, so it seems like we can still rethink this.”

“…………No, no, Get-Along-kun, you got it wrong.”

“What a relief, so it really was a joke.”

“That’s not it, we’re not going for just a day trip.”

“…………Huh?”

The futility of the entire exercise aside, our conversation from this point on flowed in such a way that I ended up overpowered. For the sake of convenience, a large part of it has hence been omitted.

She asserted herself, and while I tried to persuade her otherwise, she played her trump card - yesterday’s messages. Thus exploited was my intention to never break a promise.

Before I realised it, I was already riding on the Shinkansen.

“Haaah.”

While staring at the flowing scenery from the window seat, I was lost on whether I should accept being thrust into the present situation. Beside me, the girl was enjoying her mixed rice.

“This is my first time going on a trip like this! Get-Along-kun, have you done anything like this before?”

“Nope.”

“You can relax y’know, since I’ve properly prepared travel magazines for today.”

“Ah, is that so.”

Even reed boats should have a limit somewhere; I frowned at myself.

Incidentally, just like the yakiniku, the money for the Shinkansen tickets came from her purse. She told me not to mind, but it wouldn’t do not to repay her, even if it was at the cost of the dignity of a human like me.

While wondering whether it was time to get a part-time job, an orange was shoved right before my eyes.

“Want some?”

“……Thanks.”

I received the orange and quietly began peeling its skin.

“You’ve got no energy at all, huh. Don’t tell me you feel like getting off?”

“No, I’m staying on board. For your plans, and the Shinkansen too. And I’m reflecting on my decision to do so.”

“What a downer, you’ve got to be more cheery when travelling!”

“Though it seems more like an abduction than a trip to me.”

“If you’re going to keep looking back on yourself, you should just look at me instead.”

“And exactly what do you mean by saying that?”

Once again treating my words like the wind, she closed the lid on the railway bento she was done with, and tied a rubber band around it. Her nimble hand movements gave off the impression that she was a perfectly alive human being.

I discouraged myself from putting into words the contrast between the sense of reality she emanated and the actual reality, and proceeded to silently eat the orange one wedge at a time. She had bought the oranges from a kiosk, but they were unexpectedly sweet and succulent. I took a look outside and saw the rural landscape spread out into the distance - a scene which I normally wouldn’t have seen. I spotted a scarecrow in the field, and for some reason, that made me resign myself to the fact that there was no longer any point in resisting.

“By the way, Get-Along-kun, what’s your first name?”

It was a sudden question from the girl comparing local specialties in her travel magazine next to me. Looking at the greenery of the mountains had calmed me down, so I responded to her query straightforwardly. Even though my name wasn’t even that unusual, she was nodding her head with great interest. Following which, she whispered my full name to herself.

“Wasn’t there a novelist with a name like yours?”

“That’s right, though I don’t know which one you thought of.”

Using my own first and last names as a base, two authors came to mind.

“Could this be the reason you like novels?”

“That’s not far off the truth. I did start reading because of that, but I like books because I think they’re interesting.”

“Hmmm, so you have the same name as your favourite author?”

“Nope. My favourite is Osamu Dazai.”

Seemingly somewhat surprised at hearing the name of a literary master, her eyes spread wide open.

“By Osamu Dazai, you mean the one that wrote 'No Longer Human’?”

“That’s right.”

“So you like gloomy books like that, huh.”

“It’s true that Osamu Dazai’s brooding nature comes through the atmosphere of his books, but words can’t be dismissed just because they’re gloomy you know.”

It was rare of me to be speaking so enthusiastically, but she responded with a pout, seemingly disinterested.

“Hmm, well, guess it just doesn’t engage me.”

“Looks like you aren’t really interested in literature, huh.”

“Yeah, not really. I read manga though.”

Just like I had expected. It wasn’t a matter of good or bad, I just couldn’t imagine her patiently reading a novel. Even for manga, if she was at home, she’d probably be reading it while loafing around her room and making noises at every little thing.

It couldn’t be helped that my conversation partner wasn’t interested in what I had to say, so I asked her something that I was curious about.

“Seems like your parents are pretty okay with you travelling. What did you do?”

“I told them that I was travelling with Kyouko. If I told my parents that I had one last thing I wanted to do, they’d most likely agree to it in tears, but as expected of travelling with a boy - I can’t tell how they’d react.”

“You’re really horrible huh - trampling on your parents’ feelings.”

“Speaking of which, what about you? What sort of excuse did you give your parents?”

“Since I didn’t want to worry my parents, I’ve been lying to them about having friends. So I told them that I was staying at a friend’s house.”

“That’s horrible, but how lonesome.”

“But couldn’t you say that no one got hurt?”

She shook her head in dismay and proceeded to retrieve another magazine from the backpack placed next to her feet. What an attitude for the culprit who had forced me to lie to the parents I loved. Seeing that she had engrossed herself with her magazine, I seized the opportunity to conjure a paperback from my sling bag, and began to focus on that instead. Worn out by the extraordinary amount of noise she had been making since morning, I wanted nothing but to surrender myself to the story and let my heart be healed.

While thinking about things like that, it suddenly dawned upon me that I was practically tempting fate to let her disrupt my peace; it was a certain someone’s fault that I had become completely paranoid. Thankfully, my precious time passed without any disturbances. I concentrated on my novel for close to an hour before I reached a good place to stop. It was then that I suddenly became aware of the peace I had managed - but never expected - to grasp. I looked to my side to see the girl soundly asleep, magazine resting on her stomach.

She didn’t wake for the rest of the trip. Not even after the Shinkansen had arrived at our station.

If I had to say it, it looked as though her short life had ended on the Shinkansen, but the truth was that she was simply impossibly hard to awaken - it wasn’t an omen, and it wasn’t really a misunderstanding either. I gently poked her cheeks and pinched her nose, but she just groggily moved away and made no signs of waking up. As a last resort, I shot a rubber band in my possession at the back of her defenceless hand - she jumped out of her seat in an overreaction.

“You could’ve just called me awake or something!” She said as she punched me in the shoulder. Even though I had went through all the trouble to wake her up - unbelievable.

“Our first landing! Waaah! I can smell ramen!”

“Isn’t that just as expected of your imagination?”

“I definitely smell it! Isn’t it your nose that’s rotten?”

“I’m just grateful that my brain isn’t rotten like yours.”

“It’s my pancreas that’s rotten though.”

“I’m a coward, so let’s ban that deathblow from now on. It’s not fair.”

While laughing, she said, “What if we made Get-Along-kun a deathblow too?” But I didn’t have any plans to contract a serious illness in the near future, so I politely turned her down.

We took a long escalator down from the platform to a floor where the souvenir shop and the rest area were located. The space seemed to have been newly renovated - it got full marks for cleanliness and left me with a favourable impression.

We took another escalator to get to the ground floor, and we finally reached the ticket gates. An unexpected sensation assaulted me the moment I stepped out, so much so that I doubted my own senses. Like she had said earlier, I could smell ramen. Amazing - perhaps it really was true then, that he in the urban prefectures could smell sauce, while he in the rural prefectures could smell udon. I’d never been to either, so I couldn’t deny the possibility, but who would have thought that a single dish could permeate the everyday lives of humans to this extent?

Even without looking at the face of the girl standing beside me, I knew that she was definitely snickering at me, so I absolutely refused to look.

“So, where are we going?”

“Hehehehehehehehe, huh?”

How annoying.

“Ah, where are we going? We’re going to meet the God of Studies. But before that, we’re getting lunch.”

Speaking of which, my stomach did feel empty.

“As I thought, it’s gotta be ramen, how about it?”

“No objections.”

Amidst the bustle of the station, I traced her large strides at my own comfortable pace. We were apparently headed for some shop she had read about in the magazine while on the Shinkansen. Her gait showed neither sign of pause nor hesitation. We descended underground, exiting the station into an underground street, and found ourselves standing in front of the ramen store far sooner than expected. As we neared the store, its distinctive scent of broth thickened, and though I wasn’t really put off, there were copies of a page from a famous gourmet manga promoting this shop plastered onto its outer wall. However, it didn’t seem to be a weird shop, so I was relieved.

The ramen was delicious. The food arrived quickly upon our orders, and we quickly began to stuff ourselves. The both of us had chosen to get an extra set of noodles, and when we were asked how hard we wanted our noodles to be, I heard her say “steel beam”; I politely followed suit. To think there was such a classification for the level of hardness - it would be best if no one ever found out about this matter, for it made me red with shame. Incidentally, “harigane” was probably created by boiling the noodles for a shorter duration of time.

Reinvigorated by the hearty meal, we quickly got on our next train. There was no need to rush, since the shrine of the God of Studies she had wanted to meet was about thirty minutes away by train, but as the leader of our expedition had demanded we hurry, I simply followed suit.

While sitting on the train, I remembered a report that I had read somewhere, and I parted my sealed lips.

“It seems like this prefecture is rather unsafe, so it’s best to be careful. Shooting incidents and the like are apparently quite common.”

“Is that so? But isn’t it the same with any prefecture? Haven’t you heard about that murder case in the neighbouring prefecture that happened the other day?”

“I haven’t been watching the news lately though.”

“Someone from the police said it on TV, but it seems like perpetrators of random attacks are the hardest to catch. Like they say, the devil’s children have the devil’s luck!”

“Though that shouldn’t be the main takeaway from this story.”

“That must be why you’re going to continue living and I’m going to die.”

“I’ve only just learnt this now, but proverbs can’t be trusted. I’ll remember that.”

It really did take the train thirty minutes to ferry us to our destination. The sky was so sunny it was getting on my nerves; just by standing around, I was starting to get soaked in sweat. I wondered if I would really be alright without a change of clothes, but it seemed that our next stop would be close to a Uniqlo.

“What great weather!”

With a smile that rivalled the sun, she climbed the slope up to the shrine with light steps. The slope to the precinct was crowded despite it being a weekday afternoon. On both sides of the street, there were stores selling all manners of souvenirs, sundries, food, and even the odd suspicious-looking T-shirt - it truly was a sight to behold. A store selling specialty mochi especially caught my eye, and the sweet fragrance it emanated tickled my nasal cavity.

From time to time, the teetering girl would get pulled into a store, but in the end, we didn’t buy a single thing. Fortunately for us, the store attendants were understanding, and I was able to enjoy just looking at the items in peace.

Having finally reached the end of the slope - now drenched in sweat - we headed straight for the first vending machine in sight. It was frustrating to lose to a vending machine, especially one deliberately installed in such an exquisite location to take advantage of thirsty passers-by, but there was no resisting a life-preserving instinct.

Whipping her sweat-soaked hair from side to side, she was smiling as always.

“Feels like we’re really in the springtime of life!”

“The grass may still be green, but it’s not spring…… It’s hot.”

“Have you ever been in any sports clubs?”

“Nope. You see, I’m of noble birth, so it’s fine even if I don’t move my body.”

“Don’t insult those of noble birth. You should exercise more, you’re sweating as much as I am, and I’m sick.”

“But that doesn’t have anything to do with my lack of exercise.”

Even the people around us had reached the limit of their stamina - many sat shamelessly in the umbrage of nearby trees. It seemed like today was another especially hot day.

Somehow overcoming our dehydration, we slipped away from the other youth, and resumed our journey. We washed our hands, placed them upon the burning hot statue of a cow, crossed a bridge as we watched the turtles float on the water, and at long last, we arrived before the god. As for why we came across a cow on the way, I remembered reading an explanation for it, but the tepid heat had caused me to forget. She, on the other hand, never seemed intent on reading it.

We stood in front of the box that acted as the god’s wallet, and tossed in a small amount of money as an offering. Then we properly made our prayers - bowing twice, clapping twice, and bowing once more.

I had learnt from somewhere that shrine visits weren’t actually the time to make wishes of gods. They were originally meant as an expression of one’s determination before the gods. But right now, I couldn’t muster any sort of determination. Since nothing could be done about it, I thought I’d give the girl beside me some help. Feigning ignorance, I made a wish to the god.

May her pancreas be healed.

Only when I was done did I realise I had prayed for even longer than her. Surely, wishes that we know won’t come true were easier to pray for. Perhaps she had actually wished for something different from me. I didn’t feel the need to ask her. Prayers were something that should be offered in silence, alone.

“I wished to be lively until I died. Get-Along-kun, what about you?”

“……You’re always trampling on my intentions huh.”

“Huh, don’t tell me you wished for me to slowly get weaker? You’re the worst! I was wrong about you!”

“And why would I wish for someone else’s misfortune?”

The truth was that I had wished for the complete opposite of what she had speculated, but I didn’t tell her. Speaking of which, wasn’t this the God of Studies? Well, it was a god, so it probably didn’t bother about the details.

“Hey, let’s go draw our fortunes!”

I furrowed my brow at her suggestion. I had considered fortune slips to have no connection to her fate. Predictions about the future were written on them, but that girl didn’t have a future.

She rushed to the spot where the fortune slips were being sold, confidently deposited a hundred yen into the box, and drew a fortune. It couldn’t be helped, so I followed along.

“The one with the better fortune wins!”

“Just what do you think fortune slips are?”

“Ah, I got a Great Blessing.”

She was grinning from ear to ear. Inside my heart, I was dumbfounded. Just what did the gods think of this girl? With this, it was proven that fortune slips didn’t carry any sort of power at all. Or perhaps, it was actually an act of kindness from the gods to the girl who had already drawn an extraordinarily great curse.

She raised her voice.

"Ahahahahahahahahahahaha! Look, look! It says 'your disease will be healed soon’! There’s no way it’ll be healed!”

“…Just what about this are you enjoying?”

“What’d you get?”

“Blessing.”

“So it’s lesser than a Small Blessing?”

“Though there are also those that say it’s just lesser than a Great Blessing.”

“Whichever way it is, it’s my win, hehe.”

“Just what about this are you enjoying?”

“Wow, yours says that you’ll meet a good match in love, how nice.”

“If you really think it’s great, don’t say it so contemptuously.”

She slanted her slim neck, and brought her face into point-blank range of mine, a smirk plastered across her face. “Even though I would say she was cute if I had to,” I ended up thinking - my greatest blunder yet.

I looked the other way, and I heard her cackling. She didn’t say a word once her laughter stopped.

We left the inner shrine and headed back the way we came from. But instead of crossing the bridge from earlier, we turned left, coming across the treasure house as well as a pool named the Iris Pond. There were plenty of turtles floating about on the water, for which we went to buy food pellets to scatter into the water. Looking at the laid-back movements of the turtles, I got a little distracted from the heat. I broke out of my daze with the quiet realisation that she had begun talking with a little girl. I looked at her smiling face and thought, “As expected of a human who is the opposite of me.” The girl asked, “Big sis, is he your boyfriend?” And she replied, “Nope, we just get along!” Her response confused the young girl.

Once we were done feeding the turtles, we walked the path along the pool and came across an eatery. At her suggestion, we popped in. The store was outfitted with an air-conditioner and we sighed on reflex at the respite it provided. The spacious store had three other groups of customers apart from us. There was a family, a classy elderly couple, and a group of four aunties who were heartily engaged in raucous chatter. We sat down at the table by the window.

Soon, a gentle-looking granny arrived with two cups of water, and took our orders.

“Two umegae-mochi, and I guess I’ll get tea. Are you fine with tea too?”

I nodded, and the granny smiled as she left for the back of the shop.

I drank the cold water, and felt my body temperature steadily decrease. It was a relief to feel the chill spread to my fingertips.

“That confection - you called it umegae-mochi, right?”

“It’s a specialty. It was listed on the magazine.”

“Sorry for the wait!” And before I could assert that we hadn’t waited at all, two red plates of umegae-mochi and two cups of green tea had been placed on our table. Since we had to make payment upfront, the two of us split the bill in half and handed our coins to the store attendant.

I picked up the round white mochi that seemed to be in constant production within the store, and its crispy baked exterior made itself evident. As I bit into it, plenty of sweetness, together with the faintly salty red bean paste, filled my mouth. It tasted delicious, and the green tea paired rather well with it.

“Doesn’t it taste great? Following me was the right decision after all.”

“Just a little.”

“You aren’t honest, huh. At this rate won’t you just go back to being alone once I’m gone?”

It’s not like that would bother me. That was what I thought. To me, the situation now was the true anomaly.

Once she was gone, I would return to my original lifestyle. Without interacting with anyone, I’d shroud myself in the world of novels. I’d return to that kind of everyday. It wasn’t something that was decidedly bad. But, I didn’t think I could make her understand.

Once we were done with our meal, she spread her magazine open on the table.

"What are we going to do next?”

“Oh, you’re really getting into this huh.”

“I decided that I may as well lick the plate clean after seeing a scarecrow on the Shinkansen.”

“Ah, okay, I don’t understand what you just said. But I’ve come up with a list of things I wanted to do before I die.”

That was a good thing. She had probably realised how pointless it was to spend time with me.

“Like going on a journey with a boy, eating tonkotsu ramen at its place of conception, and though we just plunged into this journey, for now, the last goal for the me of today is to have offal hotpot for dinner. If I can fulfil that much for today, I’ll be super happy. Get-Along-kun, do you have anywhere else you want to go?”

“Not really, I’m basically indifferent to tourist attractions, so I don’t really know any places for us to go. I’ve already said it in yesterday’s message, but I’m fine with going anywhere you want to go.”

“Hmm, I see, so what shall we do………… Wah!”

She had let out a dumb sound. The cause was the sound of something breaking coupled with someone’s crude scream that had filled the room. I turned towards the direction of the ruckus and I realised that within that ever-noisy group of aunties, one of them had raised her voice hysterically. Next to them, the granny was bowing her head. It seemed that she had somehow stumbled and toppled over a teacup. The crash of the ceramic teacup shattering against the floor had surprised the girl who was troubled thinking about our next course of action.

I kept a watch on the situation and observed. Even though the granny continued to apologise profusely, the auntie who seemed to have gotten tea spilt on her own clothes got increasingly possessed by hysteria, and appeared no different from a lunatic. Glancing in front of me, I saw that she was also watching as she sipped on her tea.

I had thought that the situation would somehow be resolved peacefully, but my expectations were quickly dashed - the auntie absolutely blew her lid and roughly shoved the granny away. Having been pushed over, the granny staggered and collided with a table, causing it to flip and collapse onto the floor. The soy sauce dispenser and a bunch of disposable chopsticks were also scattered about.

The only one that still remained in the side-lines after witnessing the present state of affairs was me.

“Wait a moment!”

Raising her voice to a level that I had not heard until now, the girl that should have been sharing a table with me stood up, and rushed over to the granny down the aisle.

“I knew it,” I thought. I, who wished to remain a bystander, and she, who wanted to be involved - it was that kind of thing. I could say with conviction that if I reversed myself as a person, that if I were her, I would have stood up too.

The girl helped the granny up, yelling at the ladies she considered her enemies. Of course, her opponents fought back, but this was probably her true worth. Having seen her in action, the other customers in the shop - the father of the family, and the elderly couple - kicked into gear, and supported the girl.

After receiving criticisms from all sides, even the other aunties turned red. The group hastily left the store, muttering complaints all the way out. With the troublemakers gone, the girl checked on the granny, and was praised in return. I was still drinking my tea.

After putting back the table in its original position, the girl returned with an “I’m back”. She still appeared to be mad. I thought that she may have been upset with my lack of action, but that wasn’t it.

“Even though the granny tripped and fell over because that auntie suddenly stretched her foot out. How utterly horrible!”

“Yeah.”

In this world, there exists a notion that the sins of perpetrators and bystanders carried the same weight. In which case, I was no different from those aunties, and so refrained from strongly condemning them.

While looking at the girl who got angry for the sake of justice, and whose days were numbered, I thought that the devil’s children really had the devil’s luck.

“There are plenty of humans that should die before you, huh.”

“I know, right!”

I smiled bitterly at her agreement. Just like I had thought, I’d probably be alone again once she was gone.

When we left the store, she received six umegae-mochi from the granny as a thank-you gift and souvenir. She turned it down at first, but at the granny’s insistence, graciously accepted it. I too got to eat some of that umegae-mochi which had been baked as part of an earlier batch, and I enjoyed the moist and different texture – even this too, was delicious.

“For now, let’s head towards the city, since we need to look for a Uniqlo too.”

“That’s true, I sweated more than I thought I would. I’m really sorry but, I’ll definitely repay you before you die, so could you lend me some money?”

“Huh, I don’t want to.”

“…………You’re a spawn of the devil, huh. Let’s get along in hell.”

“Wahaha, it was a lie, I was just joking, just joking. It’s fine even if you don’t repay me.”

“No way, I’ll repay you everything you’ve paid for up till now too.”

“How stubborn.”

We took the train, and headed back to the station we came from. The inside of the train was quiet. The elderly were dozing off, and the little children were gathered together, holding their war council in whispers. Since the girl was reading her magazine beside me, I gazed blankly outside. The time indicated that evening was approaching, but the summer sky was still bright. It would be great if it just stayed bright forever. Having reached this moment in time, I started thinking about that kind of thing on a whim.

“If only I had made that my wish to the god instead,” I muttered to myself, as she folded her magazine and closed her eyes. She stayed like that, fast asleep until we arrived at our station.

The number of people at the station had increased from the afternoon. In the midst of students and salarymen making their daily commute, we walked leisurely. I thought that the residents of this prefecture walked faster than those living elsewhere. Maybe it was to avoid trouble in an unsafe prefecture.

After consulting with her, we decided to proceed to the single downtown district within the prefecture. We had looked it up on our cellphones, and it seemed that there was also a Uniqlo over there. We searched it up some more, and apparently, in order to get to the first station within the city from the location of the shrine, we should have continued on without exiting the ticket gates. But at any rate, having been abducted, it was impossible for me to have done my research, and she was never a human meticulous enough to care about such things.

We got on the subway, and headed downtown.

　 

The night had fallen completely, and it was now 8 PM. We were seated at a hori-gotatsu, picking at a steaming hotpot. The taste of the specialty hotpot with no other ingredients but offal, cabbage, and garlic chives had left me - who had declared meat superior to innards - speechless. Of course, the girl was as noisy as ever.

“It’s great to be alive!”

“No lies in that statement huh.”

I drank the soup from my own bowl. Thoroughly delicious.

After we had arrived at the city, we visited Uniqlo, and following which, we simply wandered around aimlessly. We entered a glasses shop because she wanted to buy sunglasses, and later visited a bookshop I had spotted. It was fairly enjoyable just looking at the townscape of a land I didn’t know. Later still, we chased pigeons in a park we chanced upon, and sampled the signature confections of the prefecture in a local confectionery. Time passed right by.

As the darkness of night crept in, the prefecture’s residents began lining up at the unusual food stalls along the street. While I was still fixated on the scene before me, we started making our way towards a hotpot establishment that had caught her eye. Since it was a weekday - or perhaps we were just lucky - we were ushered to a table in the crowded restaurant straight away. “It’s all thanks to me,” so she bragged, but she hadn’t even made a reservation or anything like that, so it absolutely wasn’t thanks to her.

For the most part, we didn’t talk about anything of substance during our meal. She heaped praises onto the hotpot from start to finish as I quietly relished the food. I managed to enjoy the hotpot without saying anything pointless. When faced with delicious food, it wouldn’t do to act otherwise.

The next time she opened that pointless mouth of hers was when the store attendant added Chinese noodles to the soup brimming with umami.

“With this, the two of us are hotpot buddies too.”

“Are you trying to make it seem like we’ve been living under the same roof and eating from the same pot?”

“Even more than that. Since I’ve never even eaten hotpot with any of my boyfriends.”

She tittered. The reason her way of laughing was different from usual was because alcohol had entered her system. She had brazenly ordered wine despite her status as a high school girl. The waiter made no second guesses as to the excessively unabashed order, and promptly conferred a glass of white wine. Even though I would’ve been happier had he just contacted the police.

The girl who was in an even better mood than normal wanted to talk about herself even more than usual. It was convenient for me since I preferred to listen to what other humans had to say, as compared to speaking myself.

As for how our conversation went, she started with her last boyfriend who was apparently also my classmate.

“He’s a super great guy. Yeah, really, I received a confession from him, and I thought that since he was a good person and a friend, it’d be fine to go out with him, so it was hard to understand that it wasn’t like that. I mean, I’ve already said it quite frankly, haven’t I? After we started going out, he’d get moody easily, and once we started fighting, he’d stay angry for a super long time. It’d have been fine if we were friends, but I didn’t want to be with him any longer.”

She brought the wine to her mouth. I kept quiet, unable to empathise, and listened to what she had to say.

“Even Kyouko had good things to say about my ex-boyfriend. Since he seemed like a refreshing boy on the surface.”

“Doesn’t seem to have anything to do with me.”

“That’s true, after all, Kyouko does avoid you.”

“Didn’t you think you’d hurt me by saying something like that?”

“Are you hurt?”

“I’m not hurt. I avoid her too, so we’re even.”

“Even though I want you to get along with Kyouko after I die huh.”

With an expression different from how it was up till now, she looked at me straight in the eye. Evidently, it seemed like she was serious about those words. With no way out, I answered, “I’ll think about it.” “Please do,” came her curt reply. Those words were spoken with an earnest conviction. My heart that had already decided that we weren’t going to get along anyway wavered, if just a little.

We left the restaurant once we had satisfied ourselves with the hotpot, and our faces were caressed by the pleasant night wind. Even though there were coolers installed within the restaurant, they were made largely defunct by the many hotpots simmering away inside. She had left after me, since she had been footing the bill. Under the condition that I would definitely repay her for everything she spent on me on this trip, I agreed to leave the bills to her.

“Waaah! Feels great!”

“It’s still cooling at night huh.”

“Right? Okay then, guess it’s about time we head to the hotel.”

I had heard about our place of residence from her earlier in the afternoon. It was a fairly high-grade hotel that was connected to the Shinkansen station we had arrived at, and it seemed to be well-known even within the prefecture. She had actually intended on staying at a simple business hotel, but when she informed her parents about her plans, they proposed that she may as well stay at a better place, and so provided her with a subsidy. Since she had already gone that far, there was no reason not to take advantage of their kindness - it was that kind of thing. Of course, half the money her parents had forked out was meant for Best-Friend-san, but the responsibility for that lay with her, so it wasn’t my business.

Having reached the station, it really wasn’t long till we arrived at the hotel. No, it’s not like I was casting doubt on the official information, what I had meant was that the hotel was even closer than I’d expected.

I had already confirmed it beforehand in the magazine she had brought along, so I wasn’t overwhelmed by the luxury and elegance of the hotel’s interior. If I hadn’t prepared my heart, my jaw would’ve probably hit the ground. And so, I should have been bowing my head down to her. But since even I had a grain of self-respect that wouldn’t allow that, I was really glad to just act surprised on the surface.

Even though I’d avoided getting blown away, I was still becoming predictably restless in this atmosphere that didn’t match my own social standing. I thus let her handle the checking in, while I sat down on the refined lobby’s sofa, and quietly waited for her. The comfort I got from sitting on the sofa felt deep and gentle.

With a look that indicated she was used to this, she boldly headed for the counter, and the hotel staff all bowed their heads down as she approached. I thought without a doubt that she wouldn’t become a decent adult, but then remembered that she simply wouldn’t become an adult.

While drinking tea from a clearly out-of-place PET bottle, I watched from the side as she dealt with the receptionist.

The person handling her check-in was slender, and had his hair combed straight back - a young man that very much gave off the air of a hotel receptionist.

Just as I thought about the trouble the receptionist would have to go through, she started to fill in some form she was presented with. I didn’t listen to the contents of their conversation from this point onwards, but she returned the piece of paper, and with a refined demeanour, the beaming receptionist began keying in the information into his computer. Probably having confirmed the reservation, he turned back to her and began courteously speaking.

She made a surprised expression, and shook her head. The receptionist’s face stiffened in response, as he began to operate the computer once again, all the while still speaking to her. She shook her head again, took her backpack off her shoulders, and handed over a piece of paper that she had retrieved from within.

The receptionist compared the piece of paper to the computer screen, and frowned before momentarily withdrawing further behind the counter. Like her, I waited around doing nothing in particular, until he returned with an older man; the two of them bowed their heads to her profusely and countlessly.

After which, it wasn’t the younger man, but his senior that made a deep, full-bodied bow of apology, and began speaking to her. She made a troubled smile.

I watched the situation unfold from the side, wondering if something had happened. Thinking about it normally, it would have been logical to be under the impression that there had been a mistake on the hotel’s side, and the reservation had been recorded erroneously, but I felt that that alone would not have explained her troubled smile. Whatever the case, I expected the hotel to properly deal with the situation, and so thought little of it. At worst, we could simply wait out the night at some net cafe.

Still smiling in a troubled manner, she kept stealing glances at me, and so for no particular reason at all, I nodded back at her. There wasn’t really any meaning behind that action, but after spotting my response, she said something to the two apologetic men at the counter.

Right away, the faces of the two receptionists brightened up, and though they kept their heads down as always, it seemed like this time, they offered her words of gratitude. The me a few minutes later was going to want to beat up the me that thought it was best their conversation had concluded. Just like I’ve said many times before, I was lacking in my crisis-management skills.

After accepting the key and the like, she returned with her head held low once again. I looked up at her face, and told her, “Seems like you had some trouble huh.” She returned my efforts with her facial expressions. First, she pursed her lips, showing her embarrassment and apprehension, then she peeked at my expression, and finally - as if she was casting them all away - she broke into a broad grin.

“Hey, so it seems like they made a little blunder.”

“Yeah.”

“They’ve filled up all the rooms of the type we originally made reservations for.”

“I see.”

“Yup, so, since it’s their responsibility, it seems like they’ll prepare a much better room for us than the one we had reserved.”

“That’s pretty great huh.”

“Hey…………”

She dangled the single key she carried in her hand beside her face.

“We’ll have to share the room, but it’s fine right?”

“…………Huh?”

There’s wasn’t a single sensible thing I could say in response to her smile.

I was getting sick of explaining things like this, and I think if anyone could read the inside of my heart, this situation’s development would be fairly obvious, but I was overpowered by her, and ended up staying over in the same room.

I’d like if no one thought that I was a weak-willed flirt that easily agreed to stay in the same room as someone of the opposite gender. To put it in one way, there were some financial issues between me and her. Just by exploiting that alone, my insistence that it would be better for me to stay over at a separate location was denied.

That said, who was I even making excuses for?

Yes, excuses. Taking on a firm stance and going in a separate direction from her - that was what I should have done. Even for her, it would probably have been impossible to stop me. However, I willingly didn’t do so. The reason? Well, I’m not sure.

In any case, I ended up sharing the same room with her. Having said that, there wasn’t anything for me to feel guilty about. I could guarantee that for the rest of my life. We were pure.

“Isn’t sleeping together in the same bed exciting?”

Okay, I was the only one who was pure.

“Are you dumb?”

I frowned at the girl who had said something strange after spinning around as though she were dancing under the chandelier that emanated a soft light from the middle of the spacious room. I sat down on a good sofa within the Western-style space, and told her something of the utmost common sense.

“I’ll be over here.”

“Come on, since we’ve gotten a good room, you should at least have a proper taste of the bed!”

“In that case, I’ll lie down on the bed for a little while afterwards.”

“Shouldn’t you be happy to sleep with a girl?”

“Stop with those unwarranted attempts at character assassination. Look, I’m just a gentleman wherever I go. Just save those kinds of things for a boyfriend.”

“Since we’re not in a relationship, wouldn’t it be fun to do things we shouldn’t do?”

After saying that, seemingly having thought of something, she took out the ‘Disease Coexistence Journal’ from her backpack and made a memo. I often saw this behaviour when observing her.

“Wo~w! There’s a jacuzzi!”

While listening to her frolicking about in the bathroom, I opened the glass door, and stepped out onto the veranda. The room we had been shown to was located on the 15th floor of the high-rise, and even though it wasn’t a suite, it was way too luxurious for high school students. The toilet and the bath were even separated, and the night view was spectacular.

“Waaah, it’s wonderful.”

Before I knew it, she was out on the veranda, enjoying the night view. Her long hair swayed in the whispering wind.

“It’s just the two of us gazing into the night - don’t you think it’s romantic?”

I returned into the room without answering. Sitting on the sofa, I picked up the remote on the round table before me, switched on the television that was as big as the room was large, and browsed through the channels. There were many local programmes on air that I usually didn’t get to see, and the entertainers showcasing dialects caught my interest more than the girl’s nonsense.

Abandoning the veranda, she closed the glass door and cut in front of me to sit on the bed. I could imagine from the look on her face when she made a “woah” just how springy the bed was. Alright then, guess it wouldn’t hurt to have just a little taste of its springs.

Just like me, she was watching the large television.

“Dialects are interesting huh. Have ye eaten? It sounds just like some warrior from way back. Even though the town is cutting-edge, its dialect sounds old - how strange.”

For someone like her, she said something rather meaningful.

“Seems like it’d be pretty fun to study dialects as a job.”

“Guess we agree once in a while huh. Even I’m thinking that it’d be fine if I studied that kind of stuff once I enter university.”

“How nice, I wanted to go to university too.”

“……What do you want me to say to that?”

I’d like if she stopped with the non-humorous, sentimentality-cladded stuff. I didn’t even know how I was supposed to feel.

“Don’t you have any trivia about dialects or something?”

“Let’s see, well, when we hear them, they all sound like the same Kansai dialect to us, but there are actually quite a number of variants. How many variants do you think there are?”

“Ten thousand!”

“……That’s just plain impossible. I’m going to get angry if you keep pulling answers out of thin air, you know? There are various views, but some say the actual number may even be close to thirty.”

“Huh, is that so.”

“……I wonder just how many people you’ve hurt up till now.”

Since she was a girl with a wide network of acquaintances, that number was probably immeasurable. Honestly, what a sinful human. On that point, I, who didn’t acquaint myself with anybody, would never hurt anyone. As for which of us is righteous as a person, I think that judgement will be divided.

She silently watched the television for a while, but before long - probably finding it unbearable to remain still - she began rolling around on the wide bed, and after completely messing it up, she loudly exclaimed, “I’m having a bath!” Following which, she entered the bathroom and started filling the tub with hot water. With the sound of gushing water acting as BGM from beyond the bathroom wall, she retrieved various small items from her backpack, and started the water in the washroom that was separate from the bathroom. She was probably removing her make up. Though it’s not like I was interested.

Once the bath was filled with hot water, she disappeared into the bath with delightful glee. “Peeping is a no-no.” Such was the foolish piece of advice I had received, but I didn’t even look at her walking into the bathroom. See, it’s because I was a gentleman.

I could hear her humming a song in the bathroom, something I’d heard before from what was probably a commercial. Wondering just how in the world had I arrived at the present situation in which I was sitting so close to a classmate as she took a hot bath, I thought back and reflected on my own plans and actions. Looking up at the ceiling, the chandelier flickered from the corner of my eye.

When I had reached the part of my memory where I was getting assaulted by her on the Shinkansen, I was called out to.

“Get-along-ku~n, could you get me the facial cleansing cream from my backpack?”

Submitting to her voice that echoed from the bathroom, without feeling anything in particular, I grabbed the sky blue backpack that had been left on the bed and peeked inside.

I hadn’t felt anything.

That was why it was as if my heart had been hit with an earthquake from somewhere when I laid my eyes on its contents.

I looked inside the backpack - coloured just as brightly as her.

And though there should have been no need or reason to be shaken up, my heart was pounding.

Even though I should have known, even though I should have understood. Even though I should have already grasped the premise of her existence, having seen that, I choked.

Calm down……

I told myself so.

Inside her backpack were several syringes, an unprecedented amount of pills, and what seemed to be a measuring apparatus that I didn’t know how to operate.

I somehow managed to hold my ground and stop my thoughts from racing away.

I had known, that this was reality. The truth that she was maintaining her existence with the power of medical science. When I looked at what lay before my eyes, I felt an unspeakable horror befall me. And right at that moment, the face of the fear that entrapped me showed itself.

“Anything wro~ng?”

I turned towards the bathroom, and saw her wet arm flapping about; she, who lacked even the slightest clue about the state of my heart. In order to prevent her from realising the feelings that had been born within me, I hurriedly searched for the tube of facial cleansing cream and handed it over to her.

“Thaaanks! Ah, this is because I’m naked right now!”

Before I could even muster a response, she cracked, “At least say something! This is embarrassing!” Having fulfilled the role of a straight man in her own little routine, she closed the bathroom door.

I approached the bed she had occupied and threw my body onto it. It engulfed me in a springiness that I had come to expect. And the white ceiling seemed to engulf even my consciousness.

I was confused.

But why?

I should have been aware, I should have known, and I should have understood.

But even so, I was still averting my eyes.

Averting my eyes from her reality.

In actuality, just by having seen those items, I was becoming ruled by mistaken feelings. It was as though a monster was gnawing at my heart.

Why?

My unsettled thoughts went spinning round and round, and I fell asleep on the bed, the spinning probably having reached my eyes.

When I had come to, the girl who had washed her hair was shaking my shoulder. The monster had retreated for now.

“So you did want to sleep on the bed.”

“……Like I said, I just wanted to have one taste. This is plenty.”

I stood up and seated myself on the sofa. So as to ensure she wouldn’t notice the wounds the monster left, I stared at the television as expressionlessly as I could. I’d regained my composure, and the fact that I could do that much was reassuring.

The girl was drying her long hair with the dryer provided.

“Get-Along-kun, you should take a bath too, the jacuzzi was great!”

“Guess I should. No peeping alright, since I’m going to peel off my human skin when I enter the bath.”

“You got sunburnt?”

“Yeah, guess that works too.”

With the Uniqlo carrier that contained the clothes I’d bought with money borrowed from her, I headed into the bathroom. Where humidity was heaviest, a sweet scent swirled about, but knowing better, I simply dismissed it as a concoction of my imagination.

Just in case, I properly locked the door before I removed my clothes and rinsed myself under the shower. After I was done washing my head and body, I immersed myself in the bathtub. Just like she said, once I activated the jacuzzi function, I was enveloped by a sense of bliss that couldn’t be put into words. The tracks left by the monster trampling over my heart were slowly washed away. Baths were great. I fully enjoyed the bath of a high-class hotel that I supposed I wouldn’t get a taste of for at least another ten years.

I left the bath and found the chandelier lights switched off, making the room considerably dimmer. The girl was seated on the sofa that should have been my bed, and lying on the round table was a convenience store carrier that hadn’t been there before.

“I bought some snacks and stuff from the convenience store downstairs! Could you get two cups from the shelf over there?”

Just as she had requested, I grabbed hold of the two cups and brought them over to the table. Since the sofa was occupied, I sat on the elegantly designed chair across the table. Just like the sofa, this too had a springiness that could calm a person’s heart.

While I sat comfortably, she lowered the convenience store carrier onto the floor, retrieved from it a bottle, and poured its contents into the two cups. She filled them both to half their capacity with the amber-coloured liquid, and then continued filling them with a colourless carbonated drink from another bottle until they were about to overflow. The two liquids mixed together, creating a mysterious cocktail.

“And this is?”

“Plum liqueur mixed with soda - I wonder if this ratio is alright.”

“I’ve been thinking since the offal hotpot, but you’re only a high school student.”

“I’m not acting cool or anything, I just like alcoholic drinks. You’re not going to drink?”

“…… It can’t be helped, I’ll join you.”

I brought the completely filled cup to my mouth, making sure not to spill any of the plum liqueur. The first sip of alcohol I had drunk in some time had a refreshing aroma, and was unexpectedly sweet.

She enjoyed sipping at her own share of plum liqueur - just like she had proclaimed - while spreading her snacks out on the table one by one.

“Which faction of potato chip flavours are you in? I’m in consommé.”

“Anything other than salt is just anti-establishment.”

“We really do go in different directions huh! I didn’t buy anything but consommé though - serves you right.”

I watched the girl that seemed to be having quite some fun, and sure enough, the liqueur was becoming too sweet. I was pretty much stuffed after the offal hotpot, but the junk food oddly got my appetite working again. While munching on the treacherous consommé potato chips, I sipped on the liqueur.

Once we were both done with our first glass, she poured us a second glass each, and made a proposal.

“Let’s play a game.”

“A game? We’re even going to play shogi?”

“I’m at the level where I can at least understand the rules of shogi, but you look like a strong player to me.”

“Well I do like tsume-shogi, since I can play it alone.”

“How lonesome. I brought poker cards though.”

She walked over to the bed, and brought back a box containing a set of poker cards from inside her backpack.

“I think it’s more lonesome to play with poker cards with just the two of us. For example, what do you even want us to play?”

“Grand Millionaire?”

“It’ll just be revolution after revolution and there won’t be any commoners though.”

She giggled, seemingly in a good mood.

“Hmmm.”

Taking out the poker cards from the plastic box, she looked like she was thinking as her body shook from the shuffling. Without being particularly intrusive, I took the Pocky she had bought and nibbled on one.

Once she shuffled the cards about five times, she stopped. After seemingly nodding to herself in approval countless times for coming up with some idea, her sparkling eyes turned to me.

“Since we’re already drinking, let’s go with the momentum and play Truth or Dare too.”

I knitted my eyebrows, having heard the name of a game I wasn’t used to hearing.

“What kind of game has a name as heavy as that?”

“You don’t know? Then I’ll explain the rules as we play. But first, the most important rule. You absolutely can’t quit the game. Got it?

"In other words, I just can’t push over the shogi board, right? That’s fine, I won’t do that sort of unrefined thing.”

“You really said it huh?”

Her mischievous laughter had an odious tinge. She moved all the snacks on the table to the floor, and skilfully spread the faced down poker cards onto the tabletop to form a circle. I could tell from her expression that she was going to exploit the gap in our experience to beat me, and this in turn fired me up - I was determined to take her down a peg or two. There was no problem, since most games involving poker cards were battles of wit and luck. Experience wouldn’t help much once I understood the rules.

“Incidentally, we’re using poker cards because we just happened to have them, but using rock-papers-scissors would be fine too.”

“……Give me back my fire.”

“I’ve already eaten it. Alright, so the one that flips over the largest card from within this circle will be the winner. And the winner will get the right.”

“The right?”

“The right to ask ‘truth or dare?’ Speaking of which, I guess ten rounds will do. For now, just pick a card.”

As instructed, I flipped a card over. It was the 8 of Spades.

“What if we both pick cards of the same number?”

“It’d be troublesome otherwise, so we’ll just pick another card. I mentioned it earlier too, but since I only made up the rule because it was fitting, this game isn’t really related to poker itself.”

This time she drank her plum liqueur as she turned over a card. It was the 11 of Hearts. I didn’t really understand, but I could tell I was definitely in a disadvantageous situation, so I readied myself.

“Ya~y, so now I have the right. Now I’m going to ask ‘truth or dare?’ And first, you’re going to say ‘truth’. Okay, so, truth or dare?”

“Truth…… Then what?”

“Then for starters, who do you think is the cutest in our class?”

“…………Just what are you asking all of a sudden?”

“This is Truth or Dare, you know? If you can’t answer, then you’ll have to choose dare. And if you choose to have a dare, then I’ll decide what you have to do as the dare. Whether it’s truth or dare, you absolutely can’t avoid choosing one of them.”

“What a devil’s game.”

“I’ve already said it before, but you can’t back out now. Didn’t you agree to it too? You wouldn’t do anything unrefined, right?”

Thinking that making me show my resentment was all part of her plan, I remained expressionless in front of her, who was laughing unpleasantly as she drank her liqueur.

No, it was too early to give up. There should still be a way out somewhere.

“Does such a game really exist? Are you sure you didn’t just make it up on the spot? If that’s the case, then I insist that it invalidates my agreement to not drop out of the game.”

“Too bad, huh. Do you really think I’m the sort of human that doesn’t think their plans through?”

“I do.”

“Muahaha, it’s a fully-fledged game that has even appeared in many movies. I can assure you it’s real since I’ve properly looked it up after seeing it in a movie once. So thanks for going out of your way to reiterate that you wouldn’t quit the game.”

Cackling in a manner that I imagined only the denizens of hell could, there was clearly malice lurking within her eyes.

Somehow, it seemed that I’d once again been caught in a trap. Just how many times did this make it?

“Let’s not violate public order and morals in our truths and dares though - ah, but you’ve never experienced anything erotic before huh, good grief, you’ve got to remember to control yourself alright.”

“Keep quiet, dummy.”

“How mean!”

She finished the liqueur in her cup, and poured herself a third one. Her perpetual half-smile indicated that some of the alcohol had probably already begun circulating in her system. Incidentally, my face had been hot since a while ago.

“So, first of all, my question - who do you think is the cutest in our class?”

“I don’t judge people by their appearances you know.”

“Personality doesn’t really matter, it’s about who you think has the cutest face.”

“…………”

“Incidentally, I’m not going to show any mercy if you chose to do a dare instead.”

I felt nothing but bad vibes from that.

I thought of the best way to avoid damage in this situation. It couldn’t be helped - I chose truth.

“I think that girl is pretty. That girl who’s good at math.”

“Ah!! You mean Hina! She’s one eighth German you know. Hmm, so you like that kind of girl. Even though Hina’s pretty, I don’t think she has a boyfriend or anything, and if I were a boy I’d probably choose Hina too. You’ve got a good eye, huh!”

“Saying I have a good eye only if it matches your opinion, you really have an enormous ego huh.”

I drank more liqueur. I had become a lot more numb to the taste than before.

At her command, I once again chose another card. Nine rounds to go. It looked unlikely that I’d be able to escape halfway, so I hoped for all of the remaining questions to be mine to ask. Alas, it seemed that I wasn’t really lucky in times such as this.

I got the 2 of Hearts, and she got the 6 of Diamonds.

“Woohoo, I guess heaven favours children with kind hearts.”

“I’ve suddenly become unable to believe in any god.”

“Truth or dare?”

“……Truth.”

“If Hina is number one in the class, just by appearance, where do I place?”

“…………Amongst the faces of the humans I can force myself to remember - number three.”

Thinking of infusing myself with the alcohol’s power, I drank more of my liqueur. At the same time, she too brought her cup to her mouth, and drank even more vigorously than me.

“Wo~w, I did ask the question myself, but I’m super embarrassed! I mean who’d have expected Get-Along-kun to answer so honestly - it’s too much.”

“I just want this to end faster. So I’ve resigned myself.”

Probably because of the liqueur, her face had turned red.

“Get-Along-kun, just take it slow, the night is long after all.”

“That’s true. They do say time feels longer if you’re not enjoying yourself.”

“I’m having a lot of fun though.”

So she said, pouring another two cups of plum liqueur. Since there wasn’t any soda left, she filled the cups to the brim with the strong plum liqueur. Even without a taste, I could tell just how sweet it was from the fragrance it emanated.

“I see, so I’m the third cutest huh. Ehehehehe.”

“Never mind that, I’m drawing my card. Alright, the 12 of Diamonds.”

“Do you really not intend on getting fired up for this game? Here I come - waaah, the 2 of Hearts.”

I took a glance at her disappointed-looking face, and I was relieved from the bottom of my heart. The greatest resistance I could muster within the ten rounds of this game was to trump her hand, even just once more. I swore that once these ten rounds were over, I’d never again join her in these incomprehensible activities that she called games.

“Come on, Get-Along-kun, say it.”

“Aaah, truth or dare?”

“Truth!”

“Ermmm, that’s right, hmm.”

I wondered about what I wanted to know about her, and thought of it right away.

Something that I wanted to know about her – there was nothing else but this.

“Okay, I’ve decided.”

“This is starting to get my heart pounding!”

“What kind of child were you?

“…………Erm, is that really okay? I was even prepared to at least reveal my three sizes.”

"Be quiet, dummy.”

“How horrible!”

She leant back and looked upwards, seemingly enjoying herself. Of course, the intention behind my question wasn’t to hear about her fond memories. What I wanted to know was how a human like her came to be. I wanted to know how she - my opposite - grew up, how the surrounding humans impacted her, and how she impacted them.

The reason was simply because I found it mysterious. I wondered just how large the gap between our lives must have been for the establishment of our differing natures. I was interested in whether I could have turned out to be like her with a single misstep.

“How I was as a child huuuh - at any rate, I’ve been told that I was restless.”

“Makes sense huh, I can easily imagine.”

“Right? Since girls were taller in elementary school, I would even get into fights with the largest boy in class. I even wrecked some things, so I was a problematic child.”

Indeed, there may be a link between the size of a person’s body and their character. My body had always been small and weak. Perhaps that was why I became an introverted human.

“Is this much enough?”

“I guess so, then let’s move on.”

Thereafter, it seemed that the gods really did favour good children, and somehow or other I won five straight victories. The proud girl from when the game began had disappeared, leaving the girl that the gods had abandoned together with her pancreas, who drank more liqueur with each loss and had gotten into a bad mood. No, to be accurate, she got displeased every time she heard my questions. With only two sets remaining, her face was bright red and her lips were pursed, and it looked like she was going to slide down the sofa. It was as if she were a child sulking.

Incidentally, below are the five rounds of questions and answers that made her say, “Is this an interview?”

“What’s the interest you’ve had for the longest time?”

“If I had to pick something, I gue~ss I’ve always loved movies.”

“Which famous person do you respect the most and why?”

“Chiune Sugihara! The one that gave the Jews visas. It think it was super cool of him to go through with what he himself thought was right.”

“What do you think are your own strengths and weaknesses?”

“My strength is that I can get along with everyone, and I’m not totally sure about my weakness, but I guess it’s how I’m easily distracted.”

"What’s the happiest moment of your life?”

“Hehe, I guess it’s meeting you. Teehee.”

“Not counting the stuff about your pancreas, what’s the most painful moment of your life?”

“I guess it was when the dog I was always with died when I was in middle school………… Hey, is this an interview?”

I made a splendid face of ignorance if I said so myself, and responded, “Nope, it’s a game.” And with teary eyes, she cried out, “Then ask questions that are more fun!” After which, she proceeded to drink another cup of liqueur.

“Drink up.”

So as to not offend the drunkard that was facing me with a vulgar look, I drank some liqueur too. With that, I had become rather tipsy as well, but I was still better at maintaining a poker face than her.

“Two rounds remaining; I’m going to draw now - the 11 of Spades.”

“Whaaat! Why’s it so stro~ng, gah!

While wholeheartedly moaning in sorrow, frustration and exasperation, she flipped open a card too. I looked at the number she had drawn, and I - who had been convinced that I’d won - had sweat dripping down my back.

The 13 of Spades - it was a king.

"I, I, I, I did it! ……Hmm?”

It seemed that the alcohol had reached the legs of the girl that cheered and stood up at the same time, and so she staggered and toppled back onto the sofa. With an appearance completely different from before, she snickered at the abnormal state of her own body.

“Hey, Get-Along-kun, I apologise, but this time, could you choose after I’ve revealed both the question and the order?”

“So you’ve finally revealed your true colours huh, to say nothing of the questions, you really just want to give orders.”

“Aaah, yeah, yeah, it’s Truth or Dare after all.”

“Well I guess it doesn’t break the rules.”

“A~lright, truth or dare? For truth, tell me three things that you think are cute about me. For dare, carry me to the bed.”

My body started to move on its own, perhaps even before she stopped talking. In this case, if I chose truth, I’d eventually have to move her anyway, so there wasn’t any room for hesitation in choosing the option that let me kill two birds with one stone. Not to mention, the question she asked for truth was much too foul.

Standing up, I was struck by the false impression that my body was lighter than usual. I headed towards the sofa she was sitting on. She cackled, seemingly enjoying herself. It seemed that the alcohol had gone to her head. Thinking of lending her a hand, I stretched my palm out right before her eyes. As I did so, her loud laughter stopped.

“What’s with the hand?”

“I’m lending you a hand, so come on, stand up.”

“Nope, not gonna stand. Since I can’t put any strength into my legs.”

She slowly raised the corners of her lips.

“Haven’t I said it? To CA~RR~Y ME.”

“…………”

“Come on, come on, a piggyback might be good, or maybe even a princ- waaah!”

Before she could finish saying that embarrassing name, I dug my arms beneath her back and knees, and lifted her up. Even the feeble me had enough strength to carry her for a few meters. Hesitating was a no-go - that was what I thought. There was no problem - we were drunk right now, so some shame could be slept off.

Before she could even show any reaction, I threw the girl in my arms onto the bed. The heat slipped away from my arms. She remained frozen, shock still apparent on her face. Out of breath, no thanks to the alcohol and physical exertion, I stared at her as her face slowly and quietly broke into a smile before she started to laugh in a manner reminiscent of the clicking noises that bats made.

“I was surprised! Tha~nks!”

As she said as such, with slow and sluggish actions, she moved to the left side of the large bed, lay on her back, and closed her eyes. I thought that it would’ve been good if she just fell asleep like that, but she giggled as she hit the surface of the bed with both her arms. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem like she would forfeit the last game.

I hardened my resolve.

“Well, it’s the last round huh. I’ll specially flip yours open for you. Just say which one it is you want.”

“Okay, guess I’ll go with the one right next to my cup.”

She went quiet, and she casually threw her restless arms onto the bed.

I, still standing, flipped open the card whose corner had been caught under the cup holding a little plum liqueur.

The 7 of Clubs.

“7.”

“Waaah, ambi.”

“Is it alright if I take that to mean that you’re ambivalent?”

“Yup, ambi.”

I ignored the girl that continued to say “ambi~” after probably having taken a fancy to the word, and stared at the circle of cards to choose my last one. In times like this, there may be people that would deliberate over and take great care in their choice, but they were mistaken. Since we were pretty much choosing under the same conditions, there were basically no other factors involved apart from luck. In such cases, one should quickly make their decision without looking back.

Casually, I picked a card from within the circle, and to the best of my ability, I cleared my mind of unnecessary thoughts before flipping it open.

What I needed was luck.

No matter if I decided that this counted as being manly or not, the number wouldn’t change.

The card that I drew was-

“What number is it?”

“…………6.”

In times like this, I - who was honest to the extent that I couldn’t lie - was at a disadvantage. It would probably be easier for me if I was able to become a human that could push over the shogi board, but I didn’t want to become one, and I couldn’t.

“Woohoo, wonder what I should get you to do~.”

After saying so, she became silent. Feeling like a prisoner on death row, I stood still as I awaited her question.

For the first time in a while, silence befell the dim interior. Perhaps as part of the hotel fee, almost no noises from outside could be heard - not even the noise from the neighbouring rooms leaked through. Unpleasantly, due to the fact that I was drunk, I could clearly hear the sounds of my own breathing and heartbeat. I could also hear her regular and deep breaths. I thought that she may have even fallen asleep, but when I looked at her, her eyes were wide open, stare fixated on the dark ceiling.

Having too much time on my hands, I looked outside through the opening between the curtains. The busy streets still shone with man-made lights, exposing no eagerness for sleep.

“Truth or dare?”

The sudden words came from behind me - it seemed like she had finally arrived at a conclusion, and while praying my hardest that it wouldn’t be something that would threaten my heart, I answered with my back still facing her.

“Truth.”

A single breath - I heard the large flow of air, and she uttered the last question of the night.

“If I-”

“……”

“If I said I was really, really afraid of dying, what would you do?”

Without voicing a single world, I turned around.

Her voice was too soft, and it made me think that my heart was about to stop frozen. In order to escape the chills, I had to make sure if she was still alive, and so I turned around.

She might have felt my gaze on her, but even so, the girl continued to stare motionlessly at the ceiling with her lips sealed, disinterested in saying any more.

Perhaps, she was being serious. I couldn’t grasp her true intentions. It wouldn’t be strange even if she was being serious. It wouldn’t be strange even if she was joking. If I took it seriously, I wouldn’t know how to answer. If I took it as a joke, I wouldn’t know how to answer.

I didn’t know.

As if laughing at how feeble my imagination was, once again, the monster in the depths of my heart began to breathe.

The terrified me disregarded my own intentions, and opened his mouth.

“Dare……”

She didn’t say whether my choice was good or bad. She simply remained staring at the ceiling, and gave the following order:

“Sleep on the bed too, no objections or opposition allowed.”

“Ambi~,” she went once again, this time singing it with a melody.

I was frustrated over the course of action I had to take, but as expected, I was unable to push over the shogi board.

I switched off the electricity, and lay down with my back to her, simply waiting for the sandman to whisk me away to sleep. From time to time, the bed that wasn’t mine alone would rock as she tossed and turned in her sleep. It seemed she didn’t have the heart for sharing.

The large-sized bed had enough space even if the two of us were to sleep with our backs flat.

We were innocent.

Innocent, and pure.

I didn’t have to seek forgiveness from anyone.

Both she and I woke up at the same time because of the same reason. A cellphone was beeping noisily. I took out my phone from my bag, but there wasn’t even a single notification - since that meant it had to be hers, I retrieved the phone that was left on the sofa and handed it over to the girl that was sitting on the bed. The sleepy-eyed girl opened the flip phone, and held it next to her ear.

Right away, I, who wasn’t exactly next to her, could hear a roar from the phone’s speaker.

“Sakuraaaaa! Tell me where you are right now!” With a frown, she held the phone away from her ear. Once the caller had calmed down, she pressed it against her ear once again.

“Good morni~ng, what’s up?”

“Don’t ask me what’s up! I’m asking you where you are!”

Looking a little unsure, she informed the caller of the name of the prefecture we had set foot into. I could tell that the caller was appalled.

“Wha- why would you go all the way there, and you even lied to your parents that you were travelling with me!”

With that, I knew that the other person on the line was Best-Friend-san. In response to her friend that was kicking up a fuss, she let out a carefree yawn.

“How did you know?”

“There was stuff about the PTA circulating through the telephone chain this morning! After yours, it’s mine y'know! There was a call from your mom, and I was the one who picked it up - I had such a hard time fooling her.”

“So you fooled her for me, as expected of Kyouko. Thanks so much. How did you do it?”

“I pretended to be my sister, but none of that matters! Why did you go as far as deceiving your parents to go to that sort of place?”

“……Mmm.”

“Besides, if you really wanted to go, you didn’t have to lie or anything, just properly go on the trip. I’d even follow along.”

“Aah, that sounds good, let’s go somewhere over summer vacation. When does Kyouko get a break from club activities?”

“I’ll check the calendar and contact you later ‘kay - as if!”

The brilliant flatter-and-retort reached my ears with volume to spare. Even if someone was speaking at a normal volume over the phone, inside a quiet room, it’s possible to overhear a certain amount of content. I washed my face, and brushed my teeth as I watched her talking over the phone. The toothpaste was even mintier than the one I usually used.

“Basically quietly going somewhere far away by yourself - you aren’t some cat that’s about to die y'know.”

A joke that couldn’t be laughed at - I thought as I listened, and she gave a response that was even harder to laugh at, but was in fact the truth.

“I’m not alone though.”

With bloodshot eyes because of last night’s alcohol, and looking like she was enjoying herself, she directed her line of sight at me. I wanted to bury my face in my hands, but unfortunately, they were both busy holding a toothbrush and a cup.

“You’re, not alone? Huh, with who… Your boyfriend?”

“No way, you already know that I’ve broken up with him!”

“Then who is it?”

“Get-Along-kun.”

I could hear the speechlessness from the other side of the phone speaker. With no more concern as to how this would turn out, I continued to brush my teeth.

“Y'know, you-”

“Just listen to what I have to say, Kyouko.”

“…………”

“You may think it’s strange, and you may not understand why, but I’ll definitely explain all of it to you someday. That’s why even if you aren’t quite convinced, please just let this go. And so, I hope you’ll keep this matter to yourself for now.”

“…………”

It seemed like her tone had become serious, and before I knew it, she had put Best-Friend-san at a loss for words. I thought that that was only natural. After all, the girl did leave her best friend behind to go on a trip with some unfamiliar classmate.

Best-Friend-san kept mum for a while on the other side of the phone. The girl patiently pressed the phone against her ear. Finally, a voice could be heard from the electronic device.

“…………Got it.”

“Thanks, Kyouko.”

“I have a few conditions.”

“Anything you wish.”

“Come back safely, and buy me a souvenir. Also, go on a trip with me during summer vacation. Lastly, tell this to Classmate-That-Has-An-Incomprehensible-Relationship-With-My-Best-Friend - if he does anything to Sakura, I’ll kill him.”

“Wahaha, I got it.”

After exchanging a few pleasantries, the girl hung up. I rinsed my mouth and sat on the sofa that had been stolen by her yesterday. While clearing up the poker cards that were scattered all over the table, I took a look at her and saw that she was stroking her long hair that was still messy from waking up.

“It’s nice to have a best friend that thinks of their friends, huh.”

“I know ri~ght, ah, you might have heard already, but it seems like Kyouko’s going to kill you.”

“Only if I do anything strange, right? So besides saying I was innocent, please explain things properly.”

“What about the princess carry?”

“Ooh, so it had that kind of name - with everything done and over with, I felt like I was part of some moving company.”

“Guess you’re getting killed by Kyouko no matter what she hears.”

Once she was done showering to fix her bed hair, we headed down to the first floor of the hotel to get breakfast.

Breakfast was provided in the form of a grand buffet, and as expected, it really brought to mind the class of the hotel. I mainly chose to put food like fish and tofu on my plate, and made a Japanese-style set meal breakfast. Having taken a seat by the window, I was waiting for her when she arrived with a ridiculous amount of food on her tray. “I need to eat lots in the morning,” so she said, but in the end, she left a third of the food untouched, and I had to eat that. While we were eating, I earnestly preached to her about the joys of planning.

After returning to our room, I boiled some water and brewed some coffee; she fixed herself some black tea. We took a breather and watched the morning programmes, taking up the same positions as last night. Within the serene space that dazzling sunrays streamed into, it was as if the both of us had forgotten the last question from yesterday.

“What’s the plan for today?”

When I asked, she energetically stood up, walked over to her sky blue bag, and took out a notebook. It seemed she had sandwiched the Shinkansen tickets inside it.

“We’re taking the Shinkansen at two-thirty, so we’ll have time to eat lunch and buy souvenirs. Shall we go somewhere before that?”

“I don’t know this area so I’ll just leave it to you.”

After we leisurely checked ourselves out and bowed our heads to the employees, in compliance with her decision, we took a bus and headed for a shopping mall that was apparently famous. A commercial complex that was built to have a river run through it, it had everything from shops selling daily necessities to a theatre, and it seemed there were many foreign tourists that were visiting it as a sightseeing spot. Taking a look for myself when we arrived, the gigantic red facility had unrivalled impact, exuding the atmosphere of a true landmark.

We were lost as to where to go in the building that was made to be complicatedly magnificent, but when we wandered around, there just so happened to be a clown having a street performance at the wide space next to the water’s edge, and we mixed in with the other spectators.

The approximately twenty minute long performance was entertaining, and at the humorous beckoning of the clown after the show, I put a hundred yen into his hat, as typical of a high schooler. Seemingly having enjoyed herself, she put in five hundred yen.

“Wasn’t that fun? Get-Along-kun should go become a street performer too.”

“Please check who it is you’re talking to. Doing a job where I have to engage others is impossible for me. That’s why I think that person is amazing.”

“I see, that’s too bad. Maybe I should give it a go. Ah, I forgot, I’m going to die soon.”

“Did you bring up this topic just so you could say that? You do have a year after all, even if reaching their level is impossible, you’d still get pretty good if you practiced.”

At my suggestion, she smiled resplendently. It was a smile that looked contagious.

“Yeah! That’s true! Maybe I should try it out!”

Thrilled at her prospects for the future, she bought a few items to practice with from a magic goods specialty store within the facility. Throughout her purchase, I didn’t get to enter the store. Since she would be performing for me too someday, there’d have been no meaning were I to help her choose - that was the reason why. It couldn’t be helped, so I watched the commercial for magic goods playing at the storefront together with some elementary schoolers.

“Aah, maybe with this, I’ll emerge like a comet, and have my name passed down to future generations as the legendary magician that suddenly disappeared.”

“If you were unbelievably talented, then perhaps.”

“One year of my life is worth five years of other people, so it’ll definitely work out. Look forward to it.”

“Wasn’t the value of a person’s single day unchanging?”

Looking like she was really serious about this, her expression was brimming with greater verve than usual. What made humans shine was the ability to achieve their goals despite their lack of time. Standing next to me, she probably shone much more prominently.

As I walked around the facility with the shining girl, time passed right by. She bought a few articles of clothing. She kept coming to me with cute-looking T-shirts and skirts in hand, and asking me to appraise each and every one of them, but since I didn’t really understand what counted as good or bad in girls’ fashion, I chose to say they suited her - words that contained neither praise nor criticism. Unexpectedly, those words had put her in a good mood, so I was glad. And since I didn’t lie about the clothes suiting her, my heart didn’t feel a twinge of guilt.

We dropped by a shop selling Ultraman goods on the way, and she bought me a soft vinyl figure of a monster that looked like a skeletal dinosaur as a present, but I didn’t understand the meaning behind her choice. When I asked her, she said that it suited me. It didn’t put me in a good mood. In return, I bought her a soft vinyl figure of Ultraman. When I said it suited her, she was put in a good mood like always.

We put the hundred yen soft vinyl figures on our fingers, and after eating some soft serve ice cream, we started to head back to the station. It was just about noon when we reached the station, and we - who had only eaten soft serve ice cream - went to look at souvenirs before getting lunch. Within the compound of the station, there was a large space that sold only souvenirs, and it caught her eye.

While tasting various food items, she bought snacks and specialty fish roe for her family, as well as some snacks for her best friend. I also bought some snacks for myself that had been awarded the gold award by Monde Selection consecutively for years. Since I had only told my family that I was staying over at a friend’s house, I couldn’t bring any souvenirs home. It was a real shame, but this time it couldn’t be helped.

We ate ramen at a different ramen shop from yesterday, and since we had time to spare, we had tea at a cafe before boarding the Shinkansen. I started to get sentimental over the end of the trip.

Even more so than the me of the past who had been taken along by her, I had become somewhat forward-looking.

“Let’s go on another trip - I guess next would be winter.”

The girl that was gazing at the scenery from her window seat said as such. I was a little lost as to how to respond, but in the end, I answered truthfully.

“Yeah, that may be nice too.”

“Ooh, awfully honest of you. So, did you have fun?”

“Yeah, I had fun.”

I had fun. That was how I really felt. I grew up in a laissez-faire household where both my parents were busy, and of course I didn’t have any friends to go on trips with, so I enjoyed myself much more than I’d thought I would.

She made a surprised face for some reason, and after looking at me, she quickly returned to her usual smile and forcefully grabbed onto my arm. Not knowing what to do, I was frightened. Perhaps realising how I felt, she gave a look of embarrassment, then retracted her hand and whispered, “Sorry.”

“What, were you trying to take my pancreas by force?”

“No, it’s just that it’s rare of you to be so honest, so I got carried away. Yeah, I had loads of fun too. Thanks so much, for coming along. I wonder where we should go next. I guess heading north would be nice. I wanna completely relish the cold.”

“Why do you have to treat your body badly? I hate the cold, so I want to escape even further south than this.”

“Waaah, we really do go in different directions!”

Still looking at the girl who had puffed her cheeks out in mock annoyance, I broke the seal of the souvenir I had bought for myself. Having given her a share of the snacks, I bit into the steam bun-type snack myself. The taste of the butter was almost too sweet.

By the time we arrived at the town we lived in, the summer sky had slowly begun to adopt an ultramarine hue. We took a train to our usual station, and rode our bicycles to somewhere near our school before parting ways at the usual place. Since we would meet on Monday anyway, both the girl and I quickly made our farewells and headed down our respective roads home.

When I got home, neither my mother nor my father had returned yet. After properly washing my hands and rinsing my mouth, I stayed in my room. When I lay down on my bed, I was overcome with a sudden wave of sleepiness. While wondering if I was physically tired, sleep-deprived, or perhaps even both, I fell asleep.

I was woken up by my mother when it was time for dinner, and I ate fried noodles while watching television. While most would say that everything up till reaching home could be called a journey, I learnt that in a way, the journey really only ends when I have my usual home-cooked food. I had returned to my everyday life.

For the remainder of the weekend, there was no contact from her at all. Just like always, I stayed in my room reading books, only leaving for a supermarket alone in the afternoon to buy some ice cream. Having spent whatever was left of the two days unremarkably, it was already Sunday night when I had a realisation.

I had been waiting for her to contact me.

When I went to school on Monday, the fact that I had went travelling together with her had spread throughout the class.

I wasn’t sure whether it was related to that, but I discovered my indoor shoes inside a trash can.

Whatever the case, it didn’t seem like I had accidentally dropped the ball.

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