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baldursgrave69 · 11 months ago

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chapter one: between the motions

Summary: Enver Flymm keeps asking Agnes Brennan to marry him. On the one hand, if she married him she wouldn't have to keep teaching to fund her research. She could move out of her shitty apartment and stop eating ramen for every meal. And it would sure piss off her father.

On the other, it's Enver Flymm. She doesn't particularly like the man, he is arrogant and rude and treats her more like something to show off than a person.

Agnes isn't sure it matters, after all anything is better than nothing. Right?

Word count: 1.2k

Tags: eventual smut, toxic relationship, modern au, university au

Find the whole work on Ao3 here

Agnes braced herself against the sink in the cramped bathroom of her tiny Boston studio apartment. She looked at herself, dark bags under her eyes and yesterday’s makeup smeared across her cheek. She took a deep breath before turning on the sink, the water ice cold to the touch.

Agnes had spent another sleepless night, buried in paperwork. Applying for grants and grading papers left little time for her to spend in the lab among the bones she loved so much. She hated teaching at the university. Agnes wasn’t particularly good with people to begin with. Getting undergraduate students to pay attention, let alone care when she was lecturing was difficult enough without being, well Agnes. Every semester the majority of her reviews from students stated that her tests were too difficult and her lectures were boring. She just couldn’t understand how the analysis of bone microstructure could possibly be boring.

She cupped her hands under the stream of still cold water and splashed some on her face. The cold water caused a shiver to go up her spine as she tried removing the day old makeup from her face with a washcloth. Looking down at her phone she noticed the time, she was running late.

“Shit,” she murmured, wiping her face on her worn t-shirt and fumbling for her contact case on the counter. As she was lifting the contact to her eye, Agnes bumped her elbow on the counter, causing her to fumble and drop the lens down the drain.

“Oh for fucks sake,” she groaned, knowing full well she was out of contacts until she got paid the following week. Agnes took a deep breath before sloppily braiding her long black hair down her back and hurrying back into her room.

Agnes grew up privileged. Her father was the CEO of a large company, Brennan Technologies, in the city. She never wanted for anything growing up. Nothing material anyway. When she decided to pursue her love for anthropology rather than work for her father, he cut her off. Agnes would rather spend her days surrounded by bones than tech pricks anyway, but teaching left little actual time for her research. And little money to do anything besides work.

Agnes grabbed her glasses from her nightstand, threw on some slacks and a sweater and grabbed her things. As she tucked her motorcycle helmet under her arm, she looked out the window. Of course it was raining. She took a deep breath before heading out the door for another day.

____________________________

“How many times do I have to say no before it sticks?” Agnes said with a huff, rifling through some papers on her desk. Enver Flymm sat perched on the edge of the oak, adjusting his tie as he watched her. He had an easy smile, his dark hair perfectly messy atop his head.

“Maybe a few more,” he replied, placing his hand over the stack of papers, his watch very clearly incredibly expensive.

Agnes looked up at him, rolling her eyes. It wasn’t enough that she was late for her first lecture this morning, but now Enver was bothering her in between classes. As if he didn’t have better things to do than deal with him right now.

“Just think about it,” he said, placing his hand under her chin and angling her towards him. He pressed his lips to hers, his other hand reaching around and tucking some cash in her back pocket. “Lunch is on me,” he said as he traced his thumb along her bottom lip.

“Thanks,” she huffed, pulling away from him.

“Since when do you wear glasses?” he asked, tucking a stray hair behind her ear.

“Are you serious? I’ve always worn glasses, Enver,” Agnes said, crossing her arms over her chest. She had been seeing him for over a year at this point, was he really asking her about her glasses? How many times had she stayed at his place at this point?

“I would’ve noticed if you always wore glasses, Agnes. They don’t suit your face,” he replied, hopping down from her desk.

“I dropped my contact down the sink this morning. I have to wait until I get paid to buy more,” he mumbled, turning away from him.

Enver grabbed her arm, spinning her to face him. He pulled her closer, pulling her glasses off of her face.

“I just want to see that pretty face of yours, yes? Here,” he set her glasses down on the desk and pulled out his wallet, pressing more cash into her hand. He grabbed her jaw in his hand, leaning down to kiss her. Agnes kissed him back, inhaling his scent. Vanilla, rosewood, and cigarette smoke. She hated how intoxicating his scent was.

“Okay now get out, I have class in 15 minutes,” she said, waving her hand at him dismissively.

“Sure thing, professor,” he said with a smirk, hopping down from the desk and heading out of her classroom. “Oh, dinner at 7. Wear that dress I bought you,” he said over his shoulder before exiting the room.

Agnes pinched the bridge of her nose, closing her eyes. Enver drove her mad. She couldn’t count at this point how many times he had asked her to marry him. She considered it for a second. The tech executive made plenty of money. If she married him, she wouldn’t have to keep teaching to fund her research. She could move out of her shitty apartment, maybe buy a car.

But it was Enver Flymm. She didn’t exactly like the man, she tolerated him. He bought her things she could never dream of affording after her father cut her off and took her to expensive dinners. He was an arrogant prick most of the time, but not all of the time. Sometimes he was sweet to her, made her feel wanted.

“Good morning, Dr. B,” a voice broke Agnes’ concentration, bringing her back to reality.

“Morning,” she mumbled, turning to see her TA Vincent entering the room. He was a young grad student, maybe 24. Agnes felt he had plenty of potential, he was just as passionate about their field of study as she was and appreciated her expertise.

“I’ve got those papers graded,” he said, handing her a folder.

“Ugh, thank you,” she sighed with a half smile, placing the folder on her mess of a desk. Vincent was always saving her ass with the mindless paperwork she hated so much.

“How’s your thesis coming?” Agnes asked, sitting on the edge of her desk and lifting a mug of ice cold black coffee to her lips.

“I think it’s going well, I need to spend some more time in the lab this evening to analyze some of my data,” the young man replied, running his fingers through his shoulder length, black hair.

“I’ll be there late again today, you’re welcome to spend as much time as you need,” Agnes said with a nod, setting down her coffee as students piled into the classroom.

“Thanks, Doc,” Vincent said with a smile, heading towards his desk.

Agnes sorted through some papers on her desk as students continued to pile into the classroom. She looked over at her laptop, 1:00 pm on the dot.

“Good morning class, I trust you’ve all prepared for your quiz today,” Agnes turned to face her class, groans coming from the students as they looked over the bones laying out on their lab tables.

“We do this every week, folks. It shouldn’t be a surprise at this point,” Agnes said, bracing her hands on her desk. “10 minutes per station, time starts now.”

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mental-health-advice · 2 years ago

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hi so my partner was recently diagnosed w bpd & im at a loss for how to help them. they’re constantly afraid of me leaving them, that i hate them, & that any second we don’t see each other irl is the end of the world. one of their biggest issues lately has been dealing w a change in plans. we recently had to move our plans to 2 days from now bc of scheduling conflicts & no matter how much i reassured them that we would still see each other within the same week, they were inconsolable. they admitted they want to lash out at me but are trying not to, & that in extreme cases they considered killing themselves to “punish” me for changing plans. they have openly acknowledged that this is toxic behavior & they acknowledge that it triggers my ptsd, but it continues to happen. they had an episode like this when i had to move plans to a later time in the same day & were still equally inconsolable. we came up w a compromise where they could still see me today but im worried abt whats gonna happen when we CANT compromise and scheduling just doesn’t allow it. ive tried being empathetic abt the way they perceive stress/abandonment & tried validating their feelings while reminding them that it does affect me negatively, and no amount of reassuring that we’ll see each other eventually will console them. ive also tried encouraging them to get more help than they’re currently getting in therapy but nothing seems to have changed. they’re chronically stressed from all this & i just want them to be stress free & not feel frightened abt being abandoned. i can see how much this affects them, but at the same time i have ptsd, anxiety, & depression & all of these are triggered by my partner’s behavior. i want the both of us to be better, but i want to see them finally be relaxed and not constantly attacked by their own demons. i love them so much & it hurts to see them in pain all the time.

Hey there,

This is a tough situation to be placed in for anyone, despite whether they are struggling with their own mental health issues or not.

It sounds like you are doing all that you can right now in reassuring your friend and trying to the best of your ability to do all you can do to make compromises and try to catch up on the same days but at a different time if at all possible.

You mentioned that your friend is currently in therapy but I am wondering I guess if they are in the right kind of therapy to help treat the symptoms and thoughts surrounding BPD. For example, if they are in general talk therapy (which is also great) but DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy) which is comprised of 4 different modules that are done in a group setting and one on one weekly therapy sessions is the best kind of therapy for BPD. It can be scary and especially the group settings but it does get easier and if your friend isn’t one to be OK in a group setting then some psychologists are OK with doing DBT one on one for the entire course. So definitely something to think about if they haven’t tried DBT yet.

Sometimes, depending on the severity of symptoms and possible other diagnosis’ medication can also be helpful. So maybe encourage them to see their local doctor or GP and ask for a referral to see a psychiatrist for some more help and support.

I also want to point out that if by chance your friend was to commit suicide, attempt to or want to hurt themselves in anyway, this does not reflect on you in any way. You friend is in control of their own actions and usually if they want to do something bad enough then no amount of talking them out of it can stop them. If you were to see some warning signs though so for example these could be but are not limited to:

Increase in talking about suicide

Putting in place plans

Isolation from people including you

Loss of interest in things

Then I would encourage you to seek some help and support for your friend on their behalf. So for example contacting their local mental health team so they can do a follow up and/ or intervene if needed. Or getting them to the local hospital.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #BPD #partner #therapy #getting more support #DBT

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thepenguinlad · 2 years ago

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This stuff gets a lot easier when you let go of the need to control things. Lesson learned during freshman chemistry lab (with a required lab partner). I wanted to keep an eye on every single thing to make sure it was correct, but realized that not only 1. there was not enough time to double check all her work, but 2. I was being kind of annoying! Now that I'm older, I realize more and more that I fucking *hate* being micromanaged. Having someone just staring over your shoulder can really get to you; it feels like they have no confidence in you, even when you've demonstrated competence. Which just like, really, *really* can make you feel like garbage especially if you're already dealing with self-esteem issues.

This is just coming back to me now as I start in as the Story Guide for Coyote and Crow for the first time - both in this system *and* as a DM. It's fun, but also anxiety inducing as someone who is still getting to know the system. And it doesn't help that I deal with self-esteem bullshit anyway.

But like, as we moved along this module, stuff definitely came up that I didn't expect, and I had to search around and correct myself a lot of the time. It felt kind of embarrassing! And I found myself wanting to exert control over the story because it was playing out differently than I expected.

One thing I think Coyote and Crow does well is emphasize the fact that you're telling a story together with your friends. When they wanted to do something I hadn't anticipated, I had to make a conscious effort to be open to what that would mean for the story, and then figure out how we could do what they wanted. I know it's a very baby DM (Story Guide, here) issue to have. But I think I struck a pretty good balance. Letting that go, acknowledging that some things are not a big deal and consciously processing through them - it feels nice.

I don't know, thoughts of someone who was an emotionally-stunted teenager just now getting a hold of literally understanding what it is I'm feeling. Still haven't had many relationships? I feel like I'm doing all this stuff on like a 10 year delay. It almost doesn't feel that important though, because I'm only able to approach them from a healthy place because I have a good support network, especially my roommates. Idk. People get so cheesy about practicing gratitude and surrounding yourself with good vibes and good people, but tbh that's like half of what helps you actually be happy. And not the fakey happiness either, I'm not talking about continual toxic positivity. It's this kind of contentedness u get from trying your best (even when that doesn't feel like enough), living in line with your values, and respecting yourself solely as a human being, who despite anything else always deserves to be treated with basic respect and kindness.

Letting go of these things erodes you.

That erosion isn't your fault. But it's your responsibility now - not to anyone else, but to yourself.

Of your eroding riverbank, flowing through your life, where will you plant willows and grasses to create and maintain the banks which define you? At what point do you say "no more"?

And the thing is, you're none the lesser for it. Sure, you'll never be the same as you were before - but why would you want to be? even if some of the bank eroded, new soil can be deposited. The snowmelt will slow a little, once spring gets a little further on. And then you can assess: what changed, and what can you do about it? What can you heal? What can you only remediate?

Sure, the river will never be the same again - but it doesn't mean you're less beautiful or valuable. Even after the floods, or storms, or clearcutting developers, those around you will still value and appreciate your presence. There will be little helps, from the seeds which get carried on the bottom of shoes and are left to enrich your soil, to the kind people who protest the factory that pollutes upstream. You are an ecosystem in the best way, but that also means you're susceptible to the hurts of your many environmental factors.

I think I lost the plot a little but

Tl;dr: you are a beautiful jungle river; do not let some motherfucker dump toxic waste in your waters.

#oh boy I am NOT going back to edit that I would just chicken out of posting it at all #anyway #even if you don't love yourself #just maintain yourself #going thru the motions still pedals the bike #etc etc #writing #my post #high thoughts #positivity

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winter-soldier-vibes · 4 years ago

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just a wittle request, could you do something where bucky comforts the reader who has mommy issues after she has a panic attack over the thought of turning out like her mother?

Hi there, sorry this took so long! I still haven’t processed my own so I had to take a few breaks. I apologize if this is off the path of what you meant, I’m going off of my own experience but I know it’s different for everyone.

You're nothing like her.

Bucky x reader

Word count: 3219

Warnings: mommy issues, toxic childhood, talk of divorce, panic attack/anxiety, negative self-talk

A/N: This takes place in a timeline where Bucky is retired

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You did everything you could to avoid it. To avoid her

You left home as soon as you could. When you were in college you were surrounded by people who were homesick, people who wanted to go home, people who finally had to take care of themselves. Things you couldn’t relate to.

You had been supporting yourself most of your life. Not that you had much of a choice. Your dad left when you were younger, your mother blaming it on you. If you had been better, maybe he wouldn’t have left. You, being young, believed her. What else were you supposed to do, growing up in a world that preaches ‘mother knows best’?

Load of bullshit to you.

You knew better now, being an adult, that she didn’t know best. She worked or went out with friends and left you to raise yourself, telling you it was your fault when she neglected her responsibilities. And when you would get upset she would play the victim, crying ‘woe is me’ because you were so ungrateful to the person who raised you after you drove her husband out.

“You know it’s your fault right?” she had snapped at you one night at dinner. There was a graded paper, a B written on the top of it.

“What?”

“You’re the reason he left me. He just couldn’t stand you. You’re the reason why he left and why I’m so miserable now.”

You had felt tears in your eyes.

“Tears, really? Tears aren't going to change the fact that MY husband LEFT.”

Her husband, not your father.

No, you knew better now to know that what she had done and said was wrong. But that didn’t make you forget. It didn’t make it any easier for you.

You went to college, saved up as much as you could, and gave tight-lipped smiles when people asked why you didn’t go home on weekends or vacations. You tried not to talk about her much, but that didn’t stop you from thinking about her.

You had stood at your college graduation, caps thrown and loud laughs and cheers echoing around. There were a bunch of people celebrating around you, taking photos, but you had stood on the outskirts. You had a small smile on your face for everyone else, but you couldn’t help but feel empty inside. You hadn’t made many friends, not close friends, but that was a good thing. You could take the photo so no one was left out.

Not so much of a text from her. She hadn’t come, she hadn’t called or anything.

In a twisted way, you were glad that she hadn’t. She couldn’t make a big deal about how you weren’t the top of your class or how you didn’t deserve to be. How you didn’t have a job set up to start the next week even though you already were planning on submitting your resumes. There wasn’t a way to please her, so it was almost better that she wasn’t there.

You had texted her after a few days and she made up some bullshit excuse that she had forgotten to put it on the calendar.

She liked your Instagram photo though. So thoughtful

You worried you would turn out the same way. Or that she had rubbed off on you in some way. You kept to yourself as much as you could, staying in, keeping your emotions to yourself. It wasn’t that you didn’t trust people, maybe it was, but more so you were worried that you would seem like you were playing the victim.

You didn’t want to bother anyone or make anyone feel obligated to listen to you. You worried that behind your back they would complain about you being emotional or making everything about you.

You worried they would talk about you the same way you thought about your mother.

People are supposed to look to their parents to teach them what to be, yet you found yourself wanting to avoid everything your parents did to you. They taught you exactly who you didn’t want to be.

Your father left. Your mother hated you.

You didn’t share your opinions because you didn’t want to be told you were wrong. You didn’t want to force your ideas onto anyone. Not like what you said would make a difference anyway, not that it mattered in the first place.

You remembered all of the sentences you would start but not finish because no one had heard you. Trying to jump in a few times and eventually giving up when the conversation had moved onto a new subject. All the times people would interrupt or interject, making you feel like you didn’t have something to say that was worth hearing.

You thought it would get better when you got a job. But the pressure you put on yourself to do well in school was transferred to the job you had gotten. You still were afraid that people saw yourself as your mom used to and that you would never be good enough for anyone. You thought that achievements would make you feel fulfilled.

But if you didn’t believe in yourself, what were a few “job well done's” supposed to do?

It made it hard to get into a relationship. People say that “you have to love yourself before you can love someone else,” but that didn’t feel so true to you. It was more that you didn’t trust yourself to love someone else. You worried about hurting whoever you were with, and you told yourself that if you didn’t get close to anyone, you couldn’t hurt them.

But then you ran into him.

He was on a morning run and you were walking home from a night shift, both too tired to see each other coming. You because you had just finished a shift, him because he was running off the nightmare he had had the night previous. Both of you craving a sleep that seemed just out of reach.

You were very apologetic, as was he, both afraid that you had hurt the other. You avoided his eyes even though they were trained anywhere but your own, as he fiddled with his gloved hands and you scratched the back of your neck.

It was the first time either of you had seen someone as unsure as yourselves

You had parted ways with only each other's names. Bucky and y/n.

The two of you crossed paths a few times in the following weeks, eventually getting each other’s phone numbers and agreeing to meet for coffee rather than hoping the other left at the right time. Eventually, the subtle nervous tics each of you had died down as you got to know each other.

For the most part.

You still overly apologized for everything. If you were a few minutes late, if you spaced out...you took the blame for everything.

Traffic had been bad, a storm and an accident causing you to be 5 minutes late rather than 15 minutes early. You had run into the coffee shop, scanning the restaurant with wide eyes when you saw Bucky sitting there casually.

“I am so so so sorry, I should’ve left earlier, there was an accident, I’m so sorry I’m late -”

“Y/n, don’t worry about it,” he had said, a smile on his face and a slight flash of concern on his face. “Seriously, it’s a couple of minutes. It’s literally fine.”

“No, I’m really sorry, I should’ve known or called or something.”

“Relax. It’s totally fine, I promise,” he had said, concern a little more present on his face. “Are you okay though?”

“What? Yeah, I’m good. How have you been with everything?

You wouldn’t let him talk about you. The same way your mother never let you talk about yourself.

Don’t think about her.

He had started opening up to you but you still kept your personal life under lock and key. Your name, how work was, and your physical well-being was about as personal as you got. Even so, if work had been a shit show or you had to pull an all-nighter would go unspoken. He didn’t need the burden of your personal issues. Not when there was nothing he could do about it.

The past was the past, you just had to learn how to get over yourself.

You couldn’t change what your mother had said over a decade ago.

You worried if you talked about yourself at all then you would be making the situation about you. You worried you would project your anger or sadness onto him. He didn’t deserve that. Plus, it wasn’t like he would be able to do anything, right?

You promised yourself you wouldn’t let him get too close. That if he didn’t get close to you, you couldn’t hurt him.

But damn, you’d be lying if you said you didn’t start developing feelings for him. And from the way he had started acting, you thought maybe he was too.

The hugs that were ever so slightly too tight or when he smiled at you a little longer than normal. He had opened up to you about many things in his past, and from the way he talked about it, you could tell he hadn’t talked about it much with anyone else.

You found comfort in your friendship, the way he trusted you. You liked being there for him, and you were honored that he trusted you enough to open up to you. Yet it also made you uneasy that you would ruin it in some way or drive him out.

The same way your mom drove out your father.

Goddamn it don’t think about her.

The closer you got and the closer you and Bucky had gotten, the more nervous you were. That you would turn out like your mother. You were having a harder time keeping to yourself, keeping up the façade that everything was all bright in your world. You wanted to be a light for everyone.

But at some point, days turn to nights and the light gives way to the darkness.

And you weren’t sure how much time you had left before you cracked.

Bucky had started making small moves towards you, and you were trying your best to deflect them in efforts to not fall flat on your face for him. He came over Wednesday nights for a movie and take out with you, and what started as being on two opposite ends of the couch had moved to being next to each other to him having his arm wrapped around you. Sometimes you felt he was a little too close and you would either shift away or get up to grab another drink or ‘use the bathroom’.

When you came back you would make an attempt to sit a bit further away.

Sometimes when Bucky would say goodbye at the end of the night he would hug you. That was nothing new, you were both big on hugs, but lately, he had been hugging you longer or tighter, lingering a few moments longer than could be platonic. You had started ending the hugs earlier, giving him a small squeeze before pulling away.

It wasn’t that you didn’t want to be with Bucky. It was that you were so scared that you would drive him away, leaving you as soon as you had started calling yourself his.

Which is what brought you here. Bucky had come over for another one of your movie nights and had his arm behind the couch rather than around you. An invitation for you to curl into his side, but he wanted you to make that choice. Eventually, you had found yourself curled up with him, his arm wrapped around you, and you could feel the tension.

You wanted to move away before you found yourself in too deep, but you couldn’t resist. It had been a long day and you found comfort with Bucky. Bucky turned his face slightly towards yours, kissing the side of your temple and you felt butterflies in your stomach. Your mind told you to shift away, to not let him get too close, but you found yourself turning your head towards Bucky and he leaned forward to kiss you gently.

After a moment you broke away, emotion taking over you. “I’m sorry, Bucky, I - I can’t do this,” you said, resting your forehead against his.

“Why not?” Bucky whispered, looking into your eyes.

Because I’ll hurt you.

I’ll disappoint you.

I’ll drive you away and I can’t lose the best thing that’s happened to me.

You sighed, standing up and moving away from Bucky. You couldn’t say those things to him out loud. Not without the entire story. And you weren’t ready to share all of that with him.

Bucky stood up with you, afraid he had just ruined the friendship or whatever relationship he had with you. “Y/n, wait, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

You had already left the room and couldn’t really hear him over the sound of your thoughts.

This wasn’t supposed to happen

I wasn’t supposed to let this happen

How could I be so stupid?

You were feeling tears in your eyes and Bucky followed you, afraid of what he did. Your breathing was picking up and you had started mumbling some of these things to yourself.

“Y/n, what’s happening, what did I do?”

You shook your head “You didn’t do anything, but I need you to leave, please,” you said, trying to hide your emotions. You hated being like this.

“I’m not going anywhere y/n, just tell me what’s wrong.”

“Get the fuck out of here Bucky! I don’t want your help!” you snapped suddenly, Bucky looking taken aback before your eyes widened.

“Oh god…”

You shook your head and started crying harder, stumbling over your words. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean it like that, I didn’t mean to yell, I’m so sorry Bucky please don’t leave I'm so sorry.”

Bucky came forward and hugged you gently and you cried into his shirt. He whispered comforting words into your ear as you tried to breathe, embarrassed at how vulnerable you were being.

Bucky kept his breathing slow and even, trying to get you to match him. He had no idea what was happening but he knew he needed you to calm down before he asked. Whatever it was had to be something deep, and you weren’t in the space to talk about it right now.

He brought you over to sit on the corner of your bed, still hugging you as you cried. You were mumbling out apology after apology but Bucky wasn’t having any of it. He kept hugging you, telling you that he wasn’t going anywhere and that you were safe. He had never seen you so upset, or upset at all to begin with.

After you had calmed down a bit, Bucky asked you again what had happened. You shook your head, not knowing what to say.

“I’ve opened up about so many things to you, right?” he pulled back to look at you.

You nodded slightly.

“And you’ve never judged me for any of it.”

You shook your head this time.

“Then why can’t you let me do the same for you?”

You took a deep breath, fiddling with your hands. “I don’t wanna hurt you,” you said, not meeting his eyes.

Bucky drew his eyebrows together, still confused. “Y/n, you’ve been the nicest person I’ve ever met. How would you hurt me?”

You were already shaking your head. “No, see, that’s what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna be nice and sweet and...and I’m gonna fall in love with you, and you’re gonna fall in love with me. A-and then I’m gonna let you down over and over again and snap at you for things that aren’t your fault and...and you’ll get sick of it and leave and I’m going to hate myself for it, okay?”

“Hey, hey, slow down,” Bucky held your shoulders as they started shaking. You brought a hand to cover your mouth, Bucky hushing you again. “What are you talking about? Where is this coming from?”

You took a shaky breath as you ran a hand over your face. “I’m just like her, Bucky. I told myself I would never let myself be like her…”

“Like who?” Bucky asked, blood already boiling at who made you feel like this.

Her.

You weren’t supposed to think about her.

You promised yourself.

“Y/n, stay with me here,” he said, guiding your face back to look at him. “Who?”

“My mother.”

Bucky looked at you for a moment. “What?”

“You know, mothers bring you into the world. They say a mother knows when something is wrong with their kid, that babies are put on their mother’s chest because the skin-to-skin contact starts the bonding process. They’re supposed to protect you, and love you, and take care of you. But then you start to get older and it’s your fault that you were born when you didn’t ask, or your dad left and it’s your fault before you even knew he was gone. All I wanted was to be told what to do and all she would do is tell me what I did wrong. I can’t be like her and the older I get the more scared I am that I’m going to hurt everyone the way that she hurt my father and me.”

You had started crying again as Bucky looked at you, both broken-hearted and furious that someone would make you feel this way. Not to mention it was your own mother.

You took another shaky breath. “I thought the world of her when I was younger. And she barely even gave me the time of day. I keep telling myself that I’m not what she thought of me, but what if I am?” you shook your head again. “And I am so scared that I’m just like her.”

“Y/n, look at me, I need you to look at me when I say this, okay?” he cupped your face with both hands, wiping away your tears with the pads of his thumbs as he looked into your eyes. “You are nothing like your mother.”

You let out a small sob. “You don’t know her.”

“I don’t need to,” he said firmly. “You are kind and gentle. You work hard and you make sure that everyone is taken care of before you even consider yourself. You aren’t going to scare me away or hurt me.” He wiped fresh tears from your eyes. “You are your own person, your mother has no say in who you get to be. Who you are. You are not your mother, and you never will be.” he said, still holding your gaze.

You held his gaze a little longer, knowing he believed what he was saying. You didn’t, not quite yet, but maybe if he believed in you, you could too. You nodded slightly, giving him the smallest of smiles. “Thank you.”

Bucky returned the small smile. “You know I love you, right?”

“I love you too,” you said, smiling.

You meant it, and you knew he did too. And maybe one day, you would love who you’d become too.

------------

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danhoemei · 3 years ago

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What do you think of the reconciliation of Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng that is confirmed (post canon) in Lan Wangji's letter?

Tbh I just learnt something new from you anon lmao.

First of all, let's establish the post canon here, as I found that it's from cql. I come from the novel so I had no idea about it.

Although all adaptations spring from the same source, all of them have smaller or bigger differences and divergences. Thus, it's not that easy to say what is "canon" here, e.g. something that happens in the drama doesn't mean that it's canon for the novel as well, and the other way around, and as I've seen so far both are quite different in some aspects, maybe even with a few contradictions.

Another thing is the source of the information. For me the strongest will always be the source material, and additional bits of information from interviews, author's posts etc. can be treated with less weight. I had experiences in other fandoms or media where the author started spewing nonsense out of spite, or literally contradicted what was in the original story, so since then I take additional bits added post-release as a free candy which I can take or not.

Now, coming back to mdzs's adaptations. The manhua and donghua are considerably close to the novel, so I consider the novel as the scroll of truth here. However, when it comes to the drama I kind of think of it as an alternate version with its own rights, and I personally pretty much separate these two. So I'd say that the letter could be treated as canon for cql, but not necessarily for the novel.

So now the question is, do I take this candy?

Gods in all heavens, heck yes.

Even though I treat all adaptations more or less separate, there are certain parts which I will fiercely headcanon no matter what, in all of them. And one of these things is that yunmeng bros need each other and will gravitate towards each other whether they want it or not. Initially, the main reason could be only jin ling. They love him and care about him, so even if both of them avoided each other they would still have this connection and possibly bump into each other from time to time. Jin ling is the last part of their family who they loved very much, but both of them are also these last bits of it. And it is very clear how strong a family instinct they have. Yunmeng is also wwx's home, where he grew up and what he longed for many times, no matter how much time passed. He would want to come back there from time to time, even if he was thrown away from lotus pier. What about jiang cheng, who threw him out? Even when he shouted at wwx to leave (before the whole golden core revelation), to me it seemed like another thing he spouted in the heat of the moment when his emotions and grievances took reins, as he instantly froze and tried to stop wwx who complied and turned away. So I don't imagine him taking excessive steps to keep wwx away later on, especially after his approach changed quite significantly towards the end, even towards wen ning who he initially hated with every fiber of his being.

And don't get me wrong - I don't see them as sweet bros longing for each other who just need to sit down once and talk and it'll be dandy. They have a ton of issues (mostly on jiang cheng’s side) and unspoken secrets between each other which are not easy to disclose but which hold them back very significantly. Mostly jiang cheng needs to change for this to happen, let his thick as hell walls drop a bit to be less on guard and be more open, and stop constantly hurting others because of his lack of control and toxic coping mechanisms. All that stems from childhood trauma, severe inferiority complex, pathological parents who didn't give him support and love he needed. But not one thing from these justifies his behaviour and how he compensates or lashes out when anything triggers him. Still, in the root of his being is love and care for his family, which could be seen so many times when he made sacrifices in order to protect his loved ones or the whole sect, each time when he's overprotective of jin ling, also each time he helped wwx despite being very vocal about the opposite. He's a contradictory character with tons of issues, which he unfortunately takes out on others.

So their reconciliation in my eyes is not gonna be easy and fast. It's a long and bumpy road, began with a long period of absence from each other's lives, then featuring arguments or clashes, unsaid feelings, secrets, and sacrifices finally spilling (probably in shouting voices and tears). I like to think that with time jiang cheng could mature emotionally and learn to be healthier, not only thanks to being surrounded by people who love him and care for him, but also because maybe those people could open his eyes on his behaviour and teach him a bit. As jin ling grows older, he could get bolder and more confident, and say what he doesn’t like about his uncle’s way of being or treating others. I also like to imagine wwx being more direct in his grievances or reproaches and basically being done with jiang cheng’s bs, because he is now happy, with lwj by his side, and may learn to prioritise himself instead of constantly giving to others and sacrificing himself and his own comfort. If jiang cheng is like that then why should wwx deal with him, if he doesn't feel like it? So what if it's jiang cheng who needs to swallow his pride and finally make the first move, if he actually wants any kind of contact with his brother? Maybe there is a banquet at yunmeng after a long time passes, and he invites wwx. Maybe it doesn’t go so well but later on they still keep bumping into each other and having smaller or bigger conversations, maybe meanwhile jin ling gets involved in something and they collaborate to help him. Bit by bit, I like to think that they both slowly (and finally) learn and understand each other more. And that at some point they'd be like a true and close family, not the one they were - something different, more grown up and mature. That they can travel to each other, have casual conversations and goof around, maybe steal some lotus pods together again, but this time with more mirth and fun than those competitive teenage years way back.

I just... want these two to be happy and there for each other ;__; They lost so much, but they still have each other and I don’t want them to forget that as well, especially when they clearly have so much love and care in them ;___;

So yes, I am very much into taking the letter as a general canon for me, because this is already what I headcanoned anyway ;d

And just a reminder! This is all my own self indulgent headcanon based on my interpretation of these characters and their relationship (rather from the novel’s perspective, I can’t talk with confidence about the drama). Take what you want from it, or don’t take anything at all. These are stories made for us to enjoy and reflect on, not fight or spread hate over, so go wild with your imagination and headcanons, enjoy and have fun <3

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hualian-blessing · 3 years ago

Text

okay my not so hot take before mcc15 comes in like a week or two.

i hope big streamers will not like make a big deal on people using glitches in games??? like i think (im sorry, i usually don't blame anyone when it comes to mcc14 drama but no matter where you look, there's someone to blame for this instance) one of the prime examples of this was the dream team's commentary to the vods after mcc14. they should have known that stans WILL attack the person they complained about and even though they've been told that maybe it wasn't a good idea on reacting it live yet they ignored it (i think sapnap said it's fine somewhere in the analysis aftermath event) though they didn't mean it to end up like the dumpsterfire mcc14 became.

they're huge streamers and they should have acted professionally when it comes to this types of games. sure, being competitive is fun and exciting cuz you can have this some sort of adrenaline within you that pushes you to win but calling out on hbomb and scott for their "cheating" and admittance of beta-testing in front of 100k viewers each was really a bad idea. look how much people sent hate comments, death threats and homophobic slurs to both hbomb and scott during and after their analysis stream.

don't get me wrong, it's kinda frustrating that the team i rooted for didn't won (red rabbits will always be my winners) but it's not the first time that teams won through glitches??? for example, wilbur glitch. tons of people do this intentionally or accidentally. i mean, look at quackity back in mcc11 i believe. he tried to wilbur glitch in rocket spleef and made it until the last minute because someone removed his block. or pearl with the hole in the wall which i think was the same glitch that hbomb did??? (please help me remember this one lmao). anyways, she did the glitch accidentally and she was nervous about it but others only laughed it off or jokingly complained about it and it was all fun and games!

by rules, hbomb didn't really cheat as the server is most likely an anti-cheat one so it would detect if he actually cheated and it was said that its literally a minecraft glitch so its not noxcrew's fault for that glitch. if wilbur and others would use the wilbur glitch to their advantage, surely hbomb can also use the glitch to his advantage? it would be selective seeing if you say that hbomb shouldn't do it.

anyways, back on the topic. like i said, if big streamers or content creators like the dream team made an issue on this, you bet your asses that twitter would raise hell because of it. maturity and proper sportsmanship should be needed in the mcc because of how much of a deal it is to fans and one wrong move can ruin viewer's enjoyment. look at tommy as an example, he has been in the mcc since the second mcc of season 1, and he blew up as fast, if not, faster than dream yet i think it was due to how he's surrounded by friends who are experienced and veterans in the entertainment platform such as techno, phil, and wilbur (who all participated in a similar event as mcc which was minecraft mondays) that he didn't react too much on the drama and kept it cool. we could see that when he was disappointed at the result of ace race of mcc14 but he didn't really react negatively towards scott nor the crew and this is how proper behavior of being a competitor works. is it the dream team's fault for what happened to mcc14? uh (please don't kill me-) yeah. technically yeah it is half of their fault that they fueled the drama more to a huge amount of people but it's also mostly the toxic stans fault as well for making the situation even worse and too much out of control. i just wished they (dream team) think of what they do next instead of saying it then regretting it soon after. like i said again, im pretty sure they didnt want that to happen as they're still friends with them (or at least friends of their friends) and didn't want them to be hurt by the dream team's actions.

what's the point of this post? it's to avoid what happened to mcc14 that may or may not happen again to mcc15. it's all fun and games in the end of the day and no one would lose nor gain anything except maybe bragging rights or hurt pride.

#dream smp #mcyt #minecraft championships #dream #minecraft #dream team #mcc 14 #minecraft championships 14 #i wanna post this in twitter but i remember i already left that months ago lmao #but seriously proper sportsmanship should be observed #mcc is still an e-sport by literal definition #so sportsmanship is really important to the event #please let's just have some fun #make fun of others lightly and just enjoy mcc #looking at you mcyttwt yall are the reason why mcc14 happened negatively #more specifically the toxic stans #dni if yall are toxic fans please #mcc 15 #mcc15

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darthmaulification · 3 years ago

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15 with Maul for the Angst Prompts? 🥺

A/N: dropping this at nearly midnight, but i’ve finished it and i’m proud of it so here’s a late night snack. 😤

also, the song that inspired this one was hard feelings by lorde (also technically loveless, which is the 2nd part of this particular audio, but mostly hard feelings) and i do use a lyric from it in my story. 😊

thank you for requesting the prompt, and i hope you enjoy!! 💗

prompt: 15. "i think we'd be better off alone."

content: angst (but a tad more mild), gn!reader, a break up yet again, but also more mutual, like two people collide to share just enough of a relationship that it hurts when they part, but also the relationship is implied to be Toxic, an embarrassing amount of figurative language, slice of life type deal going on here

word count: 1,504

You met Maul when the weather was good. The vast sky had been pulled taut in all directions— a cerulean blue overwhelming in its vibrancy. Most days nothing had broken up the azure, cloudless and thus without rain, but the sun, which followed it’s charted course day in and day out dutifully, bringing with it a near boiling heat.

When you met Maul, the sun had been sitting in it’s throne like a king, at the very peak of the crest it would slope down as hours ticked by. It shone so brightly that it bathed everything, exciting the flowers that rose to meet it and angering your fellow farmers who complained that the intensity was too much for the infant crops. It obscured, only for a moment, when Maul’s ship had passed beneath it.

He caught everyone’s attention, even yours, but only you caught his.

He approached you amidst the wavering haze above flat ground, that tricks the eye into thinking it’s there. You thought he was part of the mirage, how could you not? The strange visitor from his silver ship, his skin a flaming red and tattooed, wearing black robes far too heavy and dark for your planet. You almost had yourself convinced until he closed the distance between the both of you so hastily that it was like he fully intended to be standing amongst the crops alongside you all along.

(Later, Maul would tell you that he had only stopped for fuel, but had caught sight of you in the fields, angelic in your white linens.)

“Hello.” He had said, his voice like the thick purr of a Loth cat and his gaze the molten glaze of honey. He smiled, and his teeth were pitch black and glossy.

(A dye, he would also tell you later.)

“Hello.” You had replied politely, and when he extended his hand to shake yours, you had marveled at how his black-decorated, crimson skin felt like the heat surrounding you, only a living warmth instead. Maul then exchanged his name along with a suave flirt, and you gave him your name as well, gifting him with a blush on your cheeks. That’s when you learned he was bold and did everything with confidence.

The interest only grew from there, of course.

All the while, the sun sat stiff and blistering in the blue, blue sky and the air was dreadfully torrid, made even more unbearable by the lack of a breeze, but there were no shadows in sight, not while you and Maul talked, or when he offered you a drink, or when he walked you to his ship with his arm in yours, or when you both laughed and smiled and drank and swapped stories and even cuddled.

All in all, a good sign. A very good sign.

Until it wasn’t.

Maybe it was the lack of wind.

You learned very quickly that Maul was not only the charming, intelligent, if not hot-headed and cocky, Zabrak that you had made him out to be. You cottoned on very quickly and abruptly to his aggression, his brutal temper that would flare at the slightest provocation to the thin thread it hung from. Maul demonstrated to you, on multiple occasions, his wrath, and his willingness to kill instead of maim, or otherwise show mercy on his selected enemy. It bothers you as much now as it did then, and you would consider his anger a billowing red flag.

But at the time he was so new to you that you forgave his outbursts and strokes of cruelty because you had thought that since people could change, Maul surely could as well. And to be fair, you did what you could, successfully quelled his fury more often than not. But it was still hard to want to be close to a man who burned so intensely at his core that it hurt to be near.

And that made the dry season even hotter. For better, and for worse.

(Mostly worse.)

As weeks passed with Maul, and the summer reached it’s fever pitch, you and Maul had softened up enough to each other that you shared intimacy and closely-held secrets, often both under the delicate watch of the moon, when the night brought with it security and a tender break in the heat. Nighttime was always easier, you realize now, when there was no pressure from wandering third parties from the village, or duties to attend, or the sun to make you squint.

It made you realize just how difficult daytime could be, how consumed those hours were by work and people, how busy it all was. It made you loathe the dawn, wanting to keep the star-dappled midnight sky for as long as possible because that’s when you didn’t toil away in the fields, and when Maul was yours and only yours, and when you didn’t have to worry about his temper igniting, or the switch of his lightsaber, or the pain he’d inflict, or the crimes he’d—

Thinking of it now, your only good memories with Maul took place during nighttime.

Except one. The last memory you have of him.

You had been drained and tired by the oppressive heat that the sun had wrought during the day, and the almost constant pleading with Maul not to slice down any more of your fellow villagers that were terrified of him. You were drained by the effort of dousing his fire, the glares of your once friendly neighbors who’d believed you betrayed by picking Maul over them, and of course the heat made you sweat the life from you.

And of course, it was that night when the darkness didn’t quell the oven-like heat suffocating you.

You and Maul argued. It was venomous, spiteful, hateful— but you won’t dwell on it, it doesn’t mean much anymore anyways, besides the last few words you spat at one another.

“You are an ungrateful, pathetic bitch!” Maul had roared at you, his lips pulled back in a snarl and nothing but contempt in his eyes. It had felt like a slap in the face at the time, but now when you think of that moment in all it’s infamy, you only sigh and shake your head. Maul only ever knew cruelty, how was he to act without it?

“And you are evil!” You had screamed back like some wild animal howling, sobbing so hard it sounded like shrieking. Maul only laughed, humorless and mean, and he cocked his head, palm flitting to rest on the hilt of the lightsaber that you knew could flash it’s fear-inducing red at the press of a button.

“Have you just noticed?” Maul had cooed, and that was the first time you had ever been scared of him.

“I want you out of my home, my life. I think we’d be better off alone.” How you managed to say that to him when you had been so stiff with icy dread and a wavering voice, you still don’t know.

Apparently though, it may have been the heat that hammered the final nail into the coffin because Maul left, bitterly throwing you one last insult by telling you that being in your house was like choking on magma. You didn’t say anything back, not while the fear still gripped you by the throat, but once he was gone fully that’s when you cursed his name, his bloodline, his everything. You let yourself get as angry as him in the privacy of your home, for as long as your body allowed it, and until you were shaking and raw.

And despite everything and yourself, and how much you knew he didn’t deserve that hypothetical satisfaction, you wept. But strangely, and a bit curiously, it felt more like the relief of the dry season’s long-awaited rain, not the heartbreak of the love, if any had really been there, lost.

It was comforting.

Months later, when Maul is long gone and the wistfully childish part of you daydreams, you think of all the possibilities that could have been, had the heat not been so sweltering. Maybe, in some other reality, a different timeline where different choices were made, you and Maul met when it was raining. Maybe then it could have worked out, if everything had been dampened, simpler... more cold.

But the sun shines bright, sucks all the moisture from the ground and leaves plants wilting and the freshwater low, and it means you are once again sweating in the middle of a crop field tending to the struggling new shoots.

You sigh, a long exhale from your nose, and you wipe the gathered droplets from your brow. The sun rays beam down, infinite and unforgiving, until you walk to the canopy of a tree, to the shade where they can’t touch you. The semi-coolness dimples the skin of your arms with goosebumps, and the drop in temperature is a welcome change.

You sigh again.

I think it’s time to let go of this endless summer afternoon.

#star wars #star wars darth maul #darth maul x reader #darth maul x you #darth maul #writing prompts #angst prompts #anon ask #anon #orion answers

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missskzbiased · 4 years ago

Text

I Hate That I’m Afraid to Love You (18)

Genre: Romance, Friendship, Angst, Hurt /Confort , Suggestive, Fluff, College Au, Enemies to Friends to Lovers Au, REALLY Slow burn, Love Square (?)

Pairing: Hyunjin X Fem!Reader X Han X OC

WC: ~ 4,4K

[Previous] [Chap] [Next]

Masterlist

Warnings (general*): Language, Mentions of (Physical abuse, Death/ Loss of Loved One, Child Abandonment/Neglect, Divorce, Toxic Parents, Cancer, Mental disorder, Anxiety Attack, Alcohol, Food), Suggestiveness

Notes: If anyone got the notification, please tell me 😭 If you guys want to get notifications (hopefully) please go here

Updates: Tuesdays

////

There were a lot of rumors going on right now.

You prided yourself on not being the type to care about rumors and things like this but being in the center of so many of those in the last few days made it impossible for you to not be at least curious. The whispers had been obvious for a while now ─ particularly after Paris’ performance ─ and you couldn’t help but wonder how people could have so much free time in their hands and use it like that.

You should have known, though.

It was more than obvious that befriending Chan and Hyunjin would put you in the spotlight and it was bound to lead to dumb rumors at some point. You just didn’t expect them to be so dumb. Although you must have heard about hundreds of versions up to now, the core of all of them was pretty simple to catch: Love affairs and intrigue. That was what those incredible undergraduate brains could do with all of their loose imagination and wisdom.

You could kinda grasp why people thought you were dating Chan. You really could. You were pretty close with each other so it was logical for people to misunderstand your relationship… The thing is that you had been like this with Chan for ages now and no one ever had commented anything about it ─ at least not to this extent ─ so the real question here was pretty simple: Why now?

“Hey” You lifted your eyes from the counter, meeting Hyunjin’s ones “Daydreaming at work?” He chuckled, leaning on the surface as he rested his face on his hand, studying you closely.

Well… Then there was that too.

Not only you were dating Chan but you were also cheating on him with Hyunjin… So maybe you could understand why people thought you were with Chan but where did this come from? It didn’t make any sense. First of all, they’re best friends living together! How the hell would you two-time Chan right under his roof with his best friend?! Second of all, you didn’t give away any hint on feeling something for Hyunjin! And he didn’t show anything similar for you either!

No. Fucking. Sense.

“Yeah…” You agreed mindlessly, mimicking his position to stare into his eyes “What about you? Why are you here?” You asked curiously, tilting your head as he smiled fondly at you; face too close for you to completely catch his shrug.

“Can’t I drop by to see a friend?” He asked in a teasing tone “I should just have gone to see Paris… She treats me way better than you” He joked; hand reaching to fix a strand behind your ear “I should know you were just going after my body…” He sighed mockingly, chuckling as you rolled your eyes and tried to get away from his touch.

“Stop it” You hissed “You know people are talking about us!” You frowned, getting a laugh as an answer. He leaned even closer, prompting you to lean back, trying to get more space between the both of you “You might like being the center of the attention but I don’t, Hyunjin” You mumbled, pushing him lightly so he would take a step back.

“I didn’t think you were the type to care about what people thought about you” He pointed out, leaning back anyway “What are you worrying about? Do you think Chan will misunderstand us?” You weren’t really sure but his tone sounded a little bitter right there, and you couldn’t help but narrow your eyes.

There was something wrong with Hyunjin these days…

You were under the impression that he had been the target of those kinds of rumors throughout all his life and yet he was acting weirdly. Although he was quite playful about it ─ and by playful you meant flirty and touching ─, he also had those moments where he seemed to… Overthink? You weren’t really sure what was going on.

It was like he couldn’t help but grimace each time you and Chan were mentioned on those. He seemed pretty okay in being the center of the rumors… Whether it was you or Paris, he didn’t seem to mind when either of you was pictured with him but he got clearly upset when Chan was involved. You were not sure if it was just his overprotective self over Chan or if he was suspicious of something going on between both of you while he knew the other rumors were just bullshit.

He probably believed that both of you were hiding things from him. Again. You honestly had no idea why your friends had so much of a hard time understanding the things you said. You and Chan would never have anything! You were best friends, for Lord’s sake! And that was it.

No. Romantic. Feelings. At. All.

“There is nothing to misunderstand here, Hyunjin” You sighed “You and I have nothing going on and neither do I and Chan” You explained for the hundredth time already “Not wanting to fuel the rumors isn’t the same as caring about them” You added, grimacing at him in a matter-of-fact way that made him scoff.

“I see…” He hummed, staring into your eyes for a second too long “Well… Anyway, I came here for a new book” He clarified, placing the last one he borrowed on the counter “This one was pretty good but I still preferred the first you lent me” He added, drumming his fingers on the book’s cover “I was wondering if you don’t have any other indications” He shrugged, averting his eyes from yours.

“Oh? I thought you were a slow reader” You arched your brows in surprise, taking the book from the counter while looking at him “Are you sure you read that one?” You joked, chuckling.

“I guess you still have a lot to learn about me” He giggled, leaning once more on the counter “Maybe if you started to pay attention to me instead of listening to those rumors…” He let the sentence hang in the air teasingly, smirking as you rolled your eyes “Or maybe we should start dating to give them a reason to talk” He chuckled, wiggling his brows at you.

“Great 5th grade way to think” You praised him mockingly, giving him a thumbs-up as you pressed the book against your chest and made your way to the shelf it was supposed to be on “Do you have any genre in mind?” You asked mindlessly, checking the codes to match the book.

“Surprise me” He joked, trying to do an awkward French accent that made you look funnily at him “Oh, come on… Ratatouille? No? Really?” He nagged, mumbling displeased as you giggled at his antics.

You turned on the aisle, eyes roaming around as he followed you closely behind, gaze wandering around the many books displayed on the shelves. You put the one you were holding back in its place, humming as you studied the content on the shelves. He hummed along with you, playfully leaning closer to your ear as he pretended to be invested in looking for something to read.

His presence sent shivers all the way down your body.

No… Not his presence.

It was the setting… Yes, it had to be it.

The library had that mysterious ancient vibe that thrilled you… The brownish solid colors surrounding everything in a majestic framing that made you feel too small… The hard-covered books’ scent in the air, a full-bodied heaviness that seemed to clamp you… The dim lighting that revealed each scattering mote fluttering around, agitated by the soft huff Hyunjin let out… The warmth that crept into your bones as you held your breath for just a half-second…

It wasn’t him.

The way your heart rammed against your chest had nothing to do with his presence… Nor it had anything to do with his hands slowly making their way to the shelves, trapping you between him and the books… And you were almost too sure that the cloudy thoughts flickering in your mind and the fluttering sensations in your stomach ─ that forced you to swallow dryly ─ had something to do with your skipped meal but, again, not with him.

“Someone looks nervous” He whispered and somehow his breathing seemed to tighten your chest and quicken your heart pace once more. You could see both of his hands right in front of you and yet it felt like he was embracing you… The way you had to force your eyes open wasn’t a good sign to your brain “All stiff and…” He continued; voice purposely teasingly “… Panting” He added, a hint of amusement under his tone.

“Stop joking around…” You managed to say, lips quivering as he chuckled huskily. Although you could feel his warmth and presence clearly, there was no inch of skin ─ except his chin making its way to rest on your shoulder ─ to seal the deal. It felt intimate yet distant… It felt like you were supposed to laugh it off but you didn’t want to.

“It doesn’t need to be a j—“ He couldn’t finish what he was going to say, interrupted by a gasp that had both of your heads snapping at the side. There, facing the aisle with mouth fully agape and widened eyes, was someone who was bound to spread some more rumors around.

“I-I’m sorry” They blurted out “I-I didn’t mean to interrupt” They rushed to say, clearing their throat before turning around, utterly flustered by what they thought to have witnessed. You groaned, resting your forehead on the shelf before flicking Hyunjin’s nose, pushing him away for you to look for a new book.

“Read this” You spat, shoving a random one into his hands.

////

Your thoughts were filled with Hyunjin.

Although your eyes were fixed on the TV, you couldn’t care less about whatever was going on there. The voices sounded like a buzz in the back of your head and the image was almost too blurry for you to understand but Paris’ distinct laughter was a good cue for you to laugh at some joke you didn’t listen to. Whether it was your chuckle sounding too fake or too off time, she seemed to notice that something was going on inside your head.

She didn’t even say anything, pausing the show before looking straight at you with a questioning look, arching her brow as she waited for you to say something. There was it… The two-path road. You could either tell her that it was nothing ─ and she would probably narrow her eyes at you until you made up a random excuse ─ or you could actually tell her what has been on your mind lately ─ and then you would have to put up with the insufferable Paris state.

Too late to back off now… You should have paid attention to the show.

You glanced at her ─ unsure about what to say or do at a moment like this ─, biting your lip as you blinked a few times to buy some time to decide what you were going to do. You knew Paris well enough to predict her reaction… As soon as you said that you have been thinking a lot about all those rumors, she would instantly assume that you were worrying over it because you had some suppressed feelings that you were trying to hide.

You just knew it.

“So…” She stressed, still staring at you “What’s going on inside that little box of yours?” She joked, pointing at her own head before hugging her knees, sitting across you on the couch.

Path N° 1: The finals are right there at the corner…

Path N° 2: I can’t understand where all those rumors are coming from… I didn’t do anything suspicious with Chan or Hyunjin and suddenly people are talking behind our back. Either I messed up really bad about something and didn’t notice or someone misunderstood something I did… Or maybe it could be because Hyunjin has been flirting a lot lately! He pinned me against the wall thrice already. Do you think this is strange? I’m finding it a little odd... Maybe I’m being too sensitive over useless st–

“Y/N?” Paris called you softly, tilting her head to the other side as if it could help her to see what was going on in your mind “Are you feeling okay? You seem a little bit… Off… Today” She said carefully, studying your features for a brief moment.

“I’ve been thinking about the rumors…” You began hesitantly, checking for her reaction “Don’t you find it strange? I mean… You and Hyunjin had your rumors before but I hadn’t been dragged into this until now” You pointed out, shrugging “I find it odd that people are talking about me and Chan out of nowhere and… Well, talking like I’m hooking up with Hyunjin behind your back” You explained.

Paris didn’t say anything at first, seeming surprised by your worries.

“Well…” She cleared her throat “I mean… I have heard some things about you and Chan around… And you kinda… Well—“ She licked her lips, visibly stiffening up as she thought about what to say “You know? Some people saw you guys at the library… And you guys keep calling each other sweety and stuff…” She floundered her hand in the air as if it helped her to express it better “And you gave him your keys… And he slept here the whole week…” She trailed off.

“What the fuck?” You blurted, surprised by all this “How do they even know about this?!” You frowned, wondering how many people heard all those kinds of stuff out of context and got to build up a rumor like this.

“Yeah… Well, you guys aren’t really subtle” She chuckled nervously “And I think that you shouldn’t really have said that you guys used to… Have sex…” She practically whispered the last part, ashamed to talk about it “Before, you know? Especially on a party” She cleared her throat once more, fixing herself on the couch.

You had what now?

“I never said that” You frowned “I never had sex with Chan… I-“ You scowled in disgust “Why would I ever have sex with Chan? We’re literally best friends! He’s like a brother to me or something… Ew” You scrunched your nose, shaking your head to get rid of the thought “What made you think I had sex with him? What the fuck?” it would be an understatement to say that you were flabbergasted.

“Well… You kinda did” She arched her brow, looking at you filled with confusion “You told us you used to hook up with Chan, remember?” She asked as if she was talking to a kid “At the party, you clearly said that you used to hook up with him…” She pursed her lips, raising her eyebrows matter-of-factly, almost as if she was trying to transfer her memories to you.

“No, I most definitely didn’t say this” You grimaced at her, finding all the situation kinda odd, “I said I hooked up with Chan’s friend” You emphasized, returning the look to her “I would never say I hooked up with him… You distorting what I said” You blinked, staring at her in confusion as she gasped.

“Oh! It was Chan’s friend!” She chortled “Well, so you should roast Chan! He interrupted you, and I think everyone understood the very same as me” She huffed, seeming to find the situation amusing “Oh my God… I’m pretty sure that was what triggered the rumors about you and Chan, to be honest” She mused, rubbing her chin thoughtfully.

“I can’t believe you guys thought—“ You sighed in resignation “Well… Anyway, I’m not dating or fucking Chan” You said dismissively, already done with how all this had started “And what have you heard about Hyunjin? What started it all?” You deadpanned, waiting for some silly explanation once again.

Paris stared blankly at you.

“You’re kidding, right?” She sounded taken aback, looking at you as if you tried to make a bad joke. The way you stood silent, staring back at her in genuine curiosity, must have seemed really sincere because she chortled before answering you “Y/N, he literally kissed you at the stairs” She reminded you slowly, trying to get the words to sink into your head.

She didn’t need to do much.

You didn’t want to admit it ─ and you would refuse to for as long as you could ─ but that kiss… Fake kiss! That fake kiss… You couldn’t help but gulp down as you felt your senses being electrified just by the mention of it. How many times did you push aside that thought? How many times did you ignore the flickering thought in the back of your mind? How many times you could practically see him leaning in for a kiss?

You licked your lips, biting them to restrain the turmoil inside your head.

Of course, you weren’t blind… Hyunjin was a handsome piece of shit. You knew it even when you hated him. You knew it even when you didn’t want to acknowledge it… Even when you wanted to believe that it was just the popular opinion about him.

Now, you couldn’t ignore how pretty he was.

You weren’t quite sure if it was all in your mind ─ he did lean it too quickly for you to notice every single thing ─ but you could still feel the fire on his gaze as he made his move. You could remember how eager he was… Or at least, how eager you believed him to be as you were crushed against the wall and lost all the air inside your lungs. Was it just you being surprised? Was it the abruptness of the situation? Or did he really pin you against the wall as if his life depended on it? You surely felt like it was the last one… But could it be you the one who wanted to believe it for dear life?

No, of course, not.

The warmth of his hands still lingered there on your skin from time to time, and the soft pressure in your lips seemed to be carved at the back of your mind. You hated that sometimes you pressed your lips with your thumb ─ the same pressure though not the same way he did ─ just to snap out of it a second too late. You also couldn’t forget the way he tilted his head to deepen a kiss that didn’t really happen… The way the realization washed over you right at that second.

It wasn’t disappointment… It was something else.

You could still feel how his touch changed on that second… The hold was firm and consistent… It was like he didn’t want to let you go; like something just switched on his head and triggered something that felt so much like… You gulped down once more, still refusing to stress that thought out. The way your breaths mingled and hitched… Faltered… It was almost painful to know that it didn’t really happen.

There was it…

Desire and passion.

The urges of a single woman who hadn’t been getting some in a while.

“It was a fake kiss” You finally answered her but by now, Paris knew too damn well where your thoughts were wandering around a second earlier.

“Yeah, but it seemed pretty real for anyone who took a glance at it” She reminded you, and the suggestive hint under her tone made you scoff “And I don’t want to say it—“

“Then just don’t” You grimaced at her.

“—But I think both of you were pretty into it even for a fake kiss…” She grinned at you teasingly, and the tired sigh that left your lips seemed to fuel her “I can remember quite well how you just let your hands right on his chest… I don’t recall you pushing him away, you know?” her grin spread all over her face “I think you enjoyed feeling him under your touch a whole lot…” She raised her eyebrows, throwing you a knowing look that made you huff, rubbing your face in distress.

Why did she have to say that?!

You clenched your fists, trying to suppress the memories that you didn’t need to have right now… So what if his chest felt so warm and firm under his shirt? So damn fine under your touch? What about the way the water droplets seemed to caress his tanned skin? So what if the very same droplets must have rolled down and down and down and… Well, all the way down from his throat to his collarbone to his chest to… You couldn’t help but lick your lips, shaking your head to dismiss the thought.

It didn’t matter.

The way he bought you coffee and waited for you on Monday? It didn’t matter. The way his damp hair gave him a sexy vibe that looked like a plead for being warmed up on a cold Tuesday? It didn’t matter. The way he was trying to impress you with good food? It didn’t matter. The way he kept visiting you at your work to ask for indications? It didn’t matter. The way he kept flirting and teasing you around? It didn’t matter.

None of it mattered because Hyunjin had been pretty clear before.

He wanted you as a friend.

A good friend.

“I think…” You trailed off, darting your eyes away from her “I may…” You gulped down, reconnecting your gazes before sighing heavily “I guess I’m feeling attracted to him…” You admitted.

It probably wasn’t the reaction she was expecting because Paris just let her mouth hang open as her eyes widened, utterly in shock to hear it coming out of your mouth. You pursed your lips, feeling kinda embarrassed by her reaction, averting your gaze once more as you played with your own fingers, refusing to look at her. Was it that strange for you to feel… Well, some kind of silly attraction towards your stupidly handsome friend?

You didn’t think so.

“You don’t need to be so surprised… It’s not like I’m a criminal or something” You muttered, peeking at her for a split of a second before focusing on your hands once more “I think the fake kiss kinda… Awoke something? Like a tiny little spark or something… Nothing too important or any—“ You were just rambling at this point.

“No!” She blurted, hands waving exaggeratedly in front of her body “I mean- Yes! I’m not… I mean… It’s not that I’m shocked, I’m just…” She floundered her hands around, trying to find the right words in her mind “I think it’s great!” She chortled “Oh my God… Yeah, I think it’s great! It’s great that you have a crush on him or something!” She chirped, and you couldn’t help but frown.

“How is it great?” You asked warily “We’re literally just friends and he’s the hugest fuckboy we had ever met” You reminded her “There is nothing great in it… Actually, I think that’s the worst thought my brain had ever had” You scoffed, crossing your arms over your chest.

“He’s not that bad!” She retorted eagerly “He’s actually really sweet!” She added quickly, trying to convince you as she patted your knee “I mean… He’s smart! Isn’t he? You guys are always arguing in class!” You arched your brow at the distorted way to boost him “He also has good grades! I know you like smart guys” She threw you an insistent look.

Well… You were not so sure the attraction had much to do with his brains.

“He’s also really funny! You’re always laughing at things he says!” She kept her monologue “He also likes the foods you like! He’s always spending time at the hot dog stand! He even knows your favorite food by now!” She was so excited at all this that it was almost like she was selling him to you “He has an amazing taste for TV shows! I can testify that” She smiled proudly “And he’s also interested in your things! He’s reading the books you like and everything!”

Yeah… She kinda had a point, to be honest.

“You said yourself that he had been flirting! So… I mean- It has to mean something, right?” She asked filled with hope, looking at you expectantly “He wouldn’t flirt with someone he doesn’t like! So to the very least, he likes you!” She clasped her hands together, excited.

“He has been flirting with me even when we hated each other” You pointed out skeptically, and she groaned in frustration.

“Okay! He’s a fuckboy, I get it! Flirting is what he does” She rolled her eyes, impatient “But he hasn’t been fucking anyone for a while! He has a crush on someone and he’s being really romantic about it!” She insisted, making your chortle.

“Yeah… Because not fucking people around when you like someone is a great romantic gesture” You sneered “You sound too… Eager to make your point” You narrowed your eyes, tilting your head in suspicion “You’re not being the usual…” You cleared your throat to imitate her “I ship you guys so much!” You chirped mockingly, clapping your hands repeatedly in a short and rapid motion “You’re… Did he tell your something?” You asked curiously.

“What are you talking about?!” She asked in a high-pitched tone, snorting in a too anxious way to be natural “It’s just that you’ve never shown interest in anyone before! I’m excited!” She dismissed your thought, waving her hand at you “I’ve been waiting for this! The day you would talk to me about boys and stuff like this!” She whined, and for a moment she really did sound sincere enough for you to believe her.

“It doesn’t matter anyway” You shrugged “You said so yourself… He’s been crushing on someone” You pointed out, uncrossing your arms and returning your gaze to the TV “Also, it’s not like I want to fuck him… Too much trouble, right? I know he isn’t the type to attach… He wouldn’t risk our friendship just to get his dick wet” You reasoned.

“What if he’s crushing on you?” She asked unsurely, glancing at you.

“Yeah, right!” You just laughed it off, gesturing for her to hit the play.

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comingoutofthecauldron · 4 years ago

Text

on malyen oretsev as a character and a love interest

this might be slightly rambly and incoherent but i need to say it. malyen oretsev has been the underdog in this fandom for as long as i can remember. a little while ago it was the “malaria” jokes (very classy, folks), and then waves upon waves of mal antis and darkling stans/apologists, and even now a decent majority of the fandom is convinced he’s just boring or an asshole. and fair enough on that last account, if you genuinely don’t like him as a character, that’s fine. but there are a lot of accusations people throw mal’s way that i am really sick and tired of hearing, and hopefully this will help put a stop to them.

mal is not boring. mal is witty and charismatic and an easy friend, and he is also incredibly brave. when he thought alina was being tortured and brutalised by the darkling, he volunteered for a suicide mission to track the stag—which he didn’t even know existed—into fjerda because it was the only way he thought he could help her. that mission killed two of his best friends. people say mal is an asshole because of the way he treated alina when he saw her (months after she’d been dragged away from him against her will) happy and healthy in amongst the people who had looked down on the both of them their whole lives, after having just lost his best friends for her. i say his being upset was pretty understandable. and yes, he was a bit of asshole in siege & storm, but he’s a teenage boy and you cannot hold him to all these ridiculously high moral and behavioural standards (especially when you don’t hold other characters like nikolai or the darkling to those standards). everyone has their asshole moments. nikolai’s is ongoing. holding mal’s against him just because he’s not all-powerful like the darkling or royal like nikolai is bullshit, plain and simple.

as for malina, i have a lot to say on that front. a lot of people say that mal was only interested in alina after she got her powers, but that is blatantly untrue. the quote, “just you and me. it’s always just you and me, alina” literally happens in the first chapter of shadow & bone. mal himself said that he always loved alina, and her being taken away was the wakeup call he needed. if anything, alina’s powers only complicated their relationship—mal didn’t know how to deal with her becoming the very thing they’d both grown to resent after being treated like shit in the first army while the grisha were treated like royalty, which explains a lot of the tension in their relationship surrounding alina’s abilities.

people tend to say that mal didn’t like it when alina became powerful and less dependent on him, but that’s not right. mal never wanted alina to be less. he was afraid of what would happen to her if she became more. from his point of view, all that alina’s powers brought them was trouble; the darkling’s grooming of alina and his subsequent manhunt for them, nikolai’s proposal to alina (when he was an adult and alina was a minor), the apparat’s cult and imprisonment of them, the death of the only mother figure they’d ever known. in his mind, alina’s powers only ever brought them misery, and mal was scared of losing her to that misery. we saw how they were torn apart throughout the books, because mal was otkazat’sya, and he was not the only one who felt that that might never be good enough for alina. neither of them ever wanted the power that alina was given. that’s why it was so hard for mal to accept that alina wanted to keep it—he was scared it would corrupt her the way it had the darkling. he was scared of losing her.

the argument that really frustrates me is when people call malina abusive. say it with me, folks: malina is not an abusive ship. mal and alina loved each other unconditionally. even if he wasn’t happy about alina’s powers, he knew that it was important to alina that she use them to save ravka, and so he helped her. he owed ravka nothing. this was the country whose monarchy had essentially taken his life from him to force him into being little more than a foot soldier in their army; the country his friends had died for thanks to the darkling being placed in such a position of power; the country whose king let the people starve whilst he sat in his golden palace and wasted more money. mal helped alina save ravka not because he loved his country, but because he loved her. hell, he literally died for her.

whilst we’re on the subject, let’s talk about that quote that people like to say is abusive: “i love you, alina, even the part of you that loved him.” do you understand how monumental that quote is? mal found out that the darkling is the same darkling who made the shadow fold, the shadow fold that had taken numerous lives and that had gotten them into this mess in the first place. he was beginning to realise the extent of the manipulation alina had undergone at the hands of the darkling, the grooming and abuse. they both knew the atrocities that the darkling had committed, and yet mal has it in himself to tell alina that not only does he not care that alina ever thought she loved the darkling, he loves her all the same anyway? how is that abusive?

lastly, i want to talk about his most infamous quote: “i am become a blade.” this is one of my favourite quotes in the entire grishaverse, and i’m going to explain why. a lot of people think that it’s grammatically incorrect, but as your local grammar nerd, i’m here to tell you that it’s not! as alina notices, the actual tattoo is written in ancient ravkan: e’ya sta rezku. because of that, the quote translates with slightly strange phrasing, but that phrasing still makes grammatical sense. it’s sort of like how shakespearean english is still english, it just sounds different.

now, grammar aside, i want to talk about why the quote is so beautiful (to me, anyway). mal has been used all his life. when they were at keramzin, he tracked and hunted animals for them to eat. in the first army, he was used as a foot soldier and a tracker, and the darkling (and nikolai, to an extent) used him to track the amplifiers. he’d always had his agency taken away from him by those with more power, and he’d been used and mistreated almost every time. then he turns around and offers himself and his agency up to alina without a second thought. because he loves and trusts her that much. at this point, it doesn’t seem to him as though there’s any chance of him and alina ever being together or getting a happy ending. he’s not doing it for that. he’s doing it because alina wants to save ravka, and he loves alina, so he wants to help her do that. in all of his indecision about his life and what he is and who he is for alina, he is able to decide that to live in service of her, to live for her, is exactly what he needs to do. he is essentially saying, “i recognise your power and though i am afraid for you, i won’t hold it against you now. instead i’ll help you wield it and fulfil your destiny, even if that isn’t what i want/what i want for you and even if it gets me killed.”

mal is a teenage boy who had to mature very quickly under terrible circumstances. of course he’s not perfect and he makes mistakes, but i cannot for the life of me understand why he is hated on such a large scale. he was an asshole to alina at some points, yes, but alina was usually an asshole right back, and it was only because they were both pining and angry at their situation. if you still don’t like him, fine, but for the love of god, stop calling him abusive/toxic. he’s a good character and a healthy love interest (a rare sight in ya) and malina is a healthy romance. it’s that simple.

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thegeminisage · 4 years ago

Note

(it's totally okay to add it and I did see your reply just wanted to let you know!! also feel free to ignore this if you're over talking about it)

but yeah I hate the idea that dean can't be happy if he hasn't done XYZ checklist of things people have decided is the right way to cope because healing is not one sized fits all, and it isn't a destination. he is always going to be carrying the weight of what has happened to him and the things he's done but that doesn't and shouldn't mean he can't have a life he feels more comfortable and happy in than we see him in the series.

it also like to me just ignores the fact we have seen him happy in canon. not often/for long due to *gestures at the spn universe* but it seems to come from this idea that he can't achieve /true/ happiness unless he fits these ideals of what healing should look like and therefore doesn't value the very real happiness he /has/ had in his life, however rare. and I think the joy and good times he's had in his life do matter and selling that short is, harmful. the idea you can't be happy or content until you're finished healing the Right Way and anything before that wasn't valuable because you were still dealing with your trauma/mental illness just..makes me a bit sick honestly. it feels like good survivor/bad survivor discourse repackaged.

which to me ties in with the total deconstruction of him as a person/character that you mentioned which is a huge issue I too have with the implications of this whole ideal. as if the dean winchester we see in canon isn't deserving enough or capable of healing and happiness already and needs to become a different person to deserve/achieve those things which is, and I can't emphasize this enough, a very fucked up idea I wish people would take ten whole seconds to think through. anyway this is long but just wanted to say thank you for your consistently good takes<3

(original post for context)

UUUUUUGH ok you literally hit the nail on the head. good survivor/bad survivor discourse kermit nod exactly. also like, we saw dean try to be "normal" in season 6 with ben and lisa and like...he was miserable. i think dean's normal and dean's idea of happiness is different than what our idea of it for him might be. it's like with people who want cas to punch john. sure YOU want that but what would DEAN want?

imo the times dean's been happiest in canon are when he's surrounded by his family and/or he's in a fight he think he has a good shot at winning. a lot of people want dean to quit hunting and i get that because it's shitty and dangerous but dean finds so much of his meaning in his work. i think he could learn to find meaning in other things alongside it but i also think he'd never be happy fully giving up the life - just look at how guilty he feels in 2.20 knowing he's not out there helping people. i see his ideal scenario being like, he becomes the new bobby or something, and being out without being ~loud & proud~ if that makes sense. it's not the healthiest option but it's the one that would offer him the most contentment i think.

this is also related to a weird soapbox i have with people saying sam and dean should have separate houses. like yeah dean viewed separation from his family as the worst possible thing that could happen to him for the first ~40 years of his life but sure you think that's toxic so make them live in different houses??? dean gave up a "normal" childhood for sam and sam in turn is giving up a little bit of a "normal" adulthood for dean - he says so many times that he stays in the life in large part for/because of his brother, he wouldn't fucking move out unless he took dean with him. similarly when people want them to move out of the bunker bc it's not like a home, it's not a house with a yard...i get that and i have mixed bunker feelings but at the same time it's SAFE and it's THEIRS. they don't have to do wards or lay salt lines...you could not ASK for a place better designed to help them put down their hypervigilance.

but yes, the ultimate goal of healing is for dean to not be in pain, not necessarily for dean to become a "normal" sober starbucks-drinking dog-walking citizen with pride flags in his yard. it's just something people lose sight of. and i'm sure nobody is sitting there purposely engaging in good survivor/bad survivor discourse when they're just drawing cute art head empty but like UNINTENTIONALLY. the implications. when a healed dean is a dean erased then we have lost the thread a little bit is all i'm sayin

(continuation of this discussion here) [spn masterpost]

#i can't believe you thought i was over talking about it i'll literally never be over talking about it #sorry it took me til the next day to answer u i finished the answer at 3:30am and i wanted to be sure u saw it so i waited to post it LOL #liz answers asks #anonymous #liz watches spn #liz's spn stuff #liz's meta

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abbbiemarie13 · 5 years ago

Text

There are so many things that I want to say. So many things that I’m thinking. But I actually believe that I lack the vocabulary to fully express how I’m feeling. Since last night my brain, and my heart, have been cranking and spiraling trying to process what has been happening.

I’ve been in shock mostly. Truly, truly shocked by all of it. I’m shocked at the continued disgusting obsessions that people have that drives them to so heavily stalk a young girl and her friends, leading them to leak private videos and photos onto the internet. There’s just so many things wrong with that I can’t even.

I’m shocked that people took these obsessive behaviors to nearly the farthest that it could go by digging up someone’s voter information. Something that is so private and so personal to an individual. It made not seem like a big deal but that is a HUGE deal. I don’t even know how people do it. And it honest to god terrifies me.

I’m shocked that people had the nerve to drag Sandra into it. And then continued to worm their toxicity in by saying that Jodie has no right being around Sandra. Which is one of the most vile things I’ve heard, not only about a person that they supposedly look up to and admire. But that is also such an insult to the very strong friendship that Sandra and Jodie share.

To be quite honest, the thing that shocks me the least is the potential knowledge of Jodie Comer dating a republican. The girl isn’t even American first of all, so American politics is probably not something that is on her mind often. How many of us are thinking of British politics? Exactly. Second, who the fuck cares? Unless he is out screaming his love for Trump or saying he hates people of color, well then we can talk about that. But I think it is safe to assume that Jodie wouldn’t surround herself with people like that. There are people who are actually causing problems out there that we should focus all of this energy on. Not a young couple who is trying to live through a pandemic (which is hard as fuck in case anyone has forgotten). So please. Let Jodie get drunk and have rocking sex with her dumb white boyfriend if that’s what she wants to do. Because god forbid that girl gets to happy for a second.

What I am shocked about the most, what really has been making the blood boil in my body like a freaking magma pit, is how quick. How. Damn. Quick. People were to shit on her. How quick most of the people in this fandom were to just drop her like a dirty sock. I watched people I had interacted with for months who would talk endlessly about Jodie and how much they adored her; people who only mere hours earlier, were gushing about her new haircut. And all it took was one rumor. One stupid Twitter thread of “receipts” for people to flip a switch and say “I fucking hate Jodie Comer” or “how dare Jodie Comer” and so on. It was so unbelievably heartbreaking to see that it quite literally had me in tears.

Cancel culture is morbid. It’s degrading, humiliating, and just straight up wrong. I can’t believe that this is the world we are living in. And that there are individuals who are so unhappy with their own lives, that they feel the need to try to negatively affect someone else’s.

Now, I am not the kind of person who will stan a celebrity so hard that it blind sights me and I turn the other cheek when their flaws are pointed out (even though yes I am quite far up Jodie’s ass, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to forget my morals). Of course I’m aware Jodie has flaws. There is probably shit about her that would annoy the bejesus out of me. But guess what? We’re all human. We are all so beautifully flawed in our own ways.

And I don’t know how many people need to hear this, but Jodie’s flaws do not give anyone the right to insult her or “cancel” her. From her opinions on Killing Eve to what kind of tequila she drinks, to even the people she dates, it is none of our damn business. At all. Period. I can’t believe people need to be reminded of that.

However, if there are valid reasons and proof that she is expressing shitty behavior, or that she exhibits conservative views, then that is a completely different conversation. But that’s not the conversation we are having so everyone please, calm down.

And I’m really sorry to everyone who is actually feeling negatively affected by this. I’m sorry to my LGBTQ+ family who feels betrayed by just the thought of Jodie associating herself so closely with someone who could believe that we don’t have rights. I’m sorry that it hurts to feel that someone you love so much doesn’t care like you thought she did. But don’t give up on her yet. Don’t take yourself into that dark hole of doubt. Have a little faith that she is still the beautiful woman who loves and supports us the way we love and support her. But if you can’t, and need to let go. Do it. Do what is best for you and for your health. Stick to your values. And just know that if you aren’t feeling the love from her, you’ll always have it with the rest of us.

ANYWAY.

I think that I’ve taken up enough of everyone’s timeline. If you are still reading, bless your heart. If anyone would like to have more discussions about the matter, my asks/DMs are open. I will NOT accept any negative comments tho so please keep that to yourself.

#jodie comer #sorry i really did not mean for this to get so long #i just have so many feelings #i hope we are able to move past this #and people take a look in the damn mirror #killing eve

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wehatejulietsimms · 3 years ago

Note

This is an Andy appreciation post. I’m re-listening to Vale because I never understood.

It has much religious imagery but it’s *more* than just metaphors and analogies.

There’s four views I’ve understood finally and maybe more.

I will not mention anything of the specifics BVB is fighting against in Vale because like I said, this is an appreciation post and I don’t want to bring up anything negative if I don’t have to make it a point. If anyone wants me to go further into detail about what specifically I feel is going on, just ask because my gut has a keen reception on lyrics and events.

1. Religious persecution:

To the unawakened folks or the ones that progressively sin in the name of God.

Fighting for equality that when people fuck up, it isn’t the death of them. Just the death of an ego and awakening into more self compassion.

2. Talking to the fans that are blind to reality

In many songs off Vale, Andy always talks about preaching but never fully being heard from the blind and innocent. He’s tired but he will keep fighting, because he wants to make an active change to the community in a way he can but feels weak from time to time, yet never giving up!

3. Ashley

When Ashley was outed publicly, Andy never dedicated this song to him but posted the lyrics with no caption when Ashley was accused. Throw the first stone.

4. Letter to self: acknowledging this is an end of a cycle. Hint: the album name and song lyrics.

Our Destiny is a big one. It’s not just a rock love song about trying to save a destiny between two people. It’s saving himself from his past “sins” “fuckups” and saying it’s not too late to heal, which it’s never too hate to heal from the past and present. I feel like it’s “hey, I’m going into ashes now but I’ve already made amends with it and I’ll rise again and again, however many times to make it out of mental and physical surroundings.” Also, I feel it was referencing Lost it All in a way, like most of his songs do, it’s a personal and universal message that there’s so much shit in life that will knock you down and you will heal while STILL in a hurt place physically. I really want to appreciate that truth that there’s a lot of healing that still is in the midst of pain. (Props to you, Andy!) Many abusive childhoods can resonate with that as well as being stuck in relationships/friendships/or generational curses including being in debt. (Which he mentions a lot in interviews) I really do think he’s gonna get out because he’s such a wise soul and nobody gives him props to healing, and being such a mature wise man even though he’s not at his highest or best surroundings. I mean, I don’t know any other artist that’s stuck in a shitty situation and is still uplifting, real, and promotes healing and is why so many BVB army members resonate with the music. I really respect he says that people heal themselves but use his music as a resonating device to heal, when fans say he’s their hero.

Andy has overcome addictions, has had to protect his life many times, has written so much uplifting and real wisdom from a dark place of mind or just straight up otherworldly strength and vulnerability which I admire because it’s beautiful and real, doesn’t have many real helpful people around him, has been a real role model by himself, is overcoming shame and lies & generation healing, he’s really had to rely on himself and I’m glad his band members really allow him to take control of the lyrics in such an inspiring way. Even though he’s still dealing and people pleasing to toxic people, remember everyone, people in abusive relationships and are trapped have to people please in order to stay alive and not get harmed. Many don’t understand that if they’ve never been abused. (They don’t need to understand, Andy! We see it) His perseverance is real and don’t judge someone for figuring out their own life. Sometimes freedom comes from music (even though other aspects from the rock industry contradict it). Let’s be supportive of him right now because he’s branching off into a new territory and finding out what’s working for him SAFELY. Yes, I don’t agree with a lot of what he says in his insecure moments in interviews and lies in his book/irl (gotta remember that’s a trauma brain response), but his music speaks in a way that is truth and can help many people going through many things and express it in a healthy way. Also I believe many fans live in denial about his life due to the fact that they’re probably living through it in their own life and can’t recognize it in another person. Or are attracted to his light but want nothing to do to help keep it alive as in tearing him down (secret haters). Anyways, I respect him for going above and beyond and it’s really admirable because like I said, nobody in the industry has ever done what he’s done. His art is perseverance.

5. He’s been a role model for so many hurting depressed people because they resonate to his own story and his strength is a catalyst for their own strength. I dislike when people deny he’s been living in trauma and overcoming many times in his life because that’s literally what this band was formed into. There’s so much evidence in his life and in the music. He’s had to take on a role for his (hurt & healing) self and it naturally became a safe space for BVB army to interact and resonate with him. He had to do that at 18/19 and if anyone’s that age or older, you know that age is just a child. I applaud him for being that young while having no parental guidance while creating something beautiful and divine, though I do empathize for his inner child. His albums are art that are darker, not evil, and is a place where children/adults who were rejected in any form can find solace in their own mind and thus can create healing. His words are moving and you have to applaud the man for keeping it together when people of all directions were hating on his every move and it was because he has such a big heart and everyone around him wants to keep him caged out of selfishness. Even when he had meltdowns and (not saying he couldn’t also be toxic because everyone has the capacity but meltdowns get overlooked because it’s a spur of the moment thing and everyone thinks it’s a violent episode but it’s due to triggers as well as not being sober) still wanted to show up for everyone including his own self that he knows himself to be, that he didn’t want to let rot. He’s really a strong soul and it gets overlooked a lot. He’s striving for betterment of himself for more than a decade (with so much persecution even in his own circle) and people keep wishing that “I hope he gets out” and this is how he’s helping himself for the moment until he can actually get out. So again, props to him. We’re proud of you, Andy! Keep going! We believe in you. Keep taking care of your overall being. Thanks for believing in us all of these years. Some of us even made it out of the hurt place we were in and are living happy, peaceful, healthy lives after trauma.

^^i literally almost teared up reading this. this is exactly why i love him so much (& what made me fall in love with him/BVB in the first place) you said everything perfectly. i honestly wish i could pin posts on here bc i really want this to be the first thing people read on the blog. as much as people think this blog is supposed to be outright hateful, (although it contradicts the name of the blog lol) i can assure you it's not. as fans we want the best for our favorite artists and when an artist has helped/continued to help you and so many other people out of dark places it sucks to see that through that they can't help themselves. i just want the best for him and for him to be 100% happy again. that's the purpose of this blog.

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