#anyway. should have part two out before the semester starts on the 26th | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

razzle-zazzle · 1 month

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would you still love me if i was a corpse?

7361 Words; Cleaved AU (Show)

TW for discussions of death and allusions to corpsehood, brief moment of self-harm and tiny mention of blood

AO3 ver

Silence.

Only moments before, the night had been a riot of light and noise. The humming vibrations of the Rift of Return, the howling winds, the screaming light dancing across the sky—the ninja could feel the magic in the air vibrating in their bones, the Destiny’s Bounty shuddering against winds too powerful to cross over.

All of that was gone now. Silence reigned, and even the moonlight itself seemed to have been snuffed now that the Rift had closed. Only moments before the Bounty had been groaning and shivering with the impending crash against the floating island, and now—

Silence.

Silence, as Zane picked himself up and Pixal ran a systems diagnostic in the background. Silence, as the ninja disembarked from the Bounty onto the island. Silence, as the now-human former students of Yang milled about in the yard in confusion.

Silence, as Cole failed to appear.

Despite having the memory of a computer, Zane still had the heart of a human. Metaphorically speaking, of course—his physical heart was made of metals and wires. But his emotions were fully human, something the nindroid took pride in. Right now, as he replayed his memory of the night up to the point where the Rift’s closing had made everything fuzzy, those emotions were a chaotic riot of worry. Was everyone okay? What had happened to Yang? Was Cole okay?

“Where’s Cole?” Jay was the first to speak, the first to voice the fear everyone was feeling. He looked around at the Temple’s former students as though Cole would be standing among them—but Pixal had already run facial recognition. Cole was not there.

“He can’t be gone.” Kai argued softly. “It’s—it’s Cole. He’s gotta be around here somewhere.” He unsheathed his sword and squeezed the handle tightly. Zane could at least assuage his worry regarding the safety of the others—a quick scan revealed that nobody was the worse for wear despite being thrown about the Bounty.

“Guys, the temple!” Lloyd pointed, as the previously run-down Temple of Airjitsu suddenly revitalized. Withered trees grew full leaves, cracks mended over, and any debris covering the temple walls or roof seemed to melt away.

“It’s been restored to its former glory.” Wu commented, stroking his beard.

“If the temple’s back, then Cole—Cole had to have made it through, right?” Jay asked, leaning against Nya for support. “Even though he went through at the last second, and the RIFT CLOSING could have CUT HIM IN HALF OR OR—” Jay cut off as Nya grabbed his arm. He swallowed.

“This island’s not that big,” Nya started, “Cole’s probably on the other side of the temple, just fine.” Despite her words, Zane noted that her face was creased with worry.

“Yeah!” Kai added, already walking towards the temple, “Less talking, more searching! Cole’s gotta be around here somewhere.” And with that, the whole group spread out, making their way around the temple while calling out for Cole. Despite Nya’s words, the floating island was still large enough to house the Temple of Airjitsu and a sizable chunk of surrounding land—the addition of leaves to the flora didn’t help, either. Still, it would not take long to cover the whole island, and indeed, Pixal picked up on a heartbeat just past a copse of bushes. Zane walked around the foliage—

And there was Cole, sitting down in the dirt, hands cupped around the petals of a flower rooted before him. Zane called out to the others—not that they were very far away. Jay was the first to get there, falling to his knees and flinging his arms over Cole’s shoulders as he exclaimed wordlessly.

Cole blinked. The rest of the group was quick to crowd around him. Zane found himself pressed up against Cole’s side, helping him to stand. Relief flooded his circuits, even as some small part of him in the back of his mind stung with bitterness at once again being the only unaging ninja. He shoved that part down—it was more important that Cole was here and alive again, heartbeat and breathing steady and present.

Crushed flower petals fluttered to the ground as Cole stumbled forwards. Pixal made a noise at the detail, but otherwise said nothing. Zane pressed his face into Cole’s shoulder, amazed at how solid it was. Cole was alive!

Zane supposed it should have been obvious, then and there—but crushed petals fluttering to the ground were as easily brushed off as the blank look in Cole’s eyes, any and all notice swept under the rug of relief over his return to corporeality. Cole was quiet all the way to Destiny’s Bounty—surely, going through the Rift of Return after everything else had simply left him exhausted, and he would have all the energy he’d need to regale them with the animated tale of his victory the coming morning.

In the corner of Zane’s vision, Pixal frowned slightly.

+=+=+=+=+

“Now that you are finally able to taste again,” Zane started as he monitored the pancakes cooking before him. “I believe a celebration is in order. It’s no cake, but,” Zane paused to flip the pancakes, pleased to see they were at the perfect shade of golden-brown, “I know how much you’ve missed chocolate chip and blueberry pancakes!” With more syrup and whipped cream than Zane would ever recommend, but this was hardly the time to grudge Cole’s sweet tooth.

“Fuck yeah!” Lloyd cheered from where he was sitting beside Cole at the table. He nudged Cole with his arm, grinning widely. “I bet I can eat more cakes than you.” He teased. Zane fought to keep a chuckle escaping his throat as Kai and Jay immediately turned it into a full-fledged bet and then picked sides, while Nya laughed and declared them all idiots.

Cole grunted, staring straight ahead.

Jay chuckled uneasily. “Guess you’re still tired, huh?”

Any further conversation was halted as Zane flipped the pancakes out of the pan and onto plates for everyone. Fluffy golden-brown deliciousness dotted with blueberries and chocolate chips, two on each plate. Zane set them out before taking the seat across from Cole. Zane beamed; Cole stared.

Lloyd snatched the syrup and whipped cream, wasting no time in rendering his plate a sugar-covered mess. Jay grabbed the whipped cream next while Kai reached for the syrup—Nya didn’t reach for either, instead opting to draw the very syrup that Kai was attempting to drizzle onto his plate over to hers with her powers. Wu took a sip of his tea as the usual breakfast chatter started to emerge.

Except… “Cole, is something wrong?” He hadn’t moved to grab the syrup or whipped cream—in fact, Cole had barely moved at all, just… sitting there.

“‘M fine.” Cole mumbled, lifting his arm. Everyone leaned in as Cole reached for the syrup. Zane was particularly anxious for Cole’s approval—the loss of taste had led to Cole withdrawing from meals, and was a large sore spot for him. It would be so nice to see him indulging his sweet tooth again, to see Cole at the table with the rest of them instead of his empty seat.

The bottle slipped from Cole’s fingers. He moved to grab it again—it wobbled dangerously before tipping over, and Cole stared at it in what might have been mortification.

“Here, lemme just—” Lloyd grabbed the syrup and all but drowned Cole’s plate in it—just the way Cole used to like it. Cole’s hand landed on his fork as Lloyd applied the whipped cream until their plates matched in unholy sweetness. “Go ahead,” Lloyd nudged Cole, “enjoy being human again!”

Cole picked up the fork. With some difficulty, he lifted a piece of pancake, soaked with syrup and crowned with whipped cream. Everyone watched as Cole took that first bite, eager to see his reaction.

Cole dropped the fork. His face pinched—he swallowed.

Zane froze. Did—he didn’t mess up on the pancakes, did he? He made them the same as he always did—he took a bite from his own to confirm, and indeed, they tasted the same as always—

But Cole looked like he had just swallowed poison. He stared down at his plate like—like it had personally offended him—something Zane had never, in any memory he or Pixal could pull up, seen Cole do.

“Buddy, you okay?” Kai asked, placing a hand on Cole’s shoulder.

Cole jerked at the unexpected touch. He stood, pushing the plate away. “Sweet.” He mumbled, turning around and leaving. Zane watched as he left—it almost looked like Cole stumbled before he was out of view.

Ice crept across the table. Zane sat still as a statue, frost clinging to his fingers. He hadn’t made the pancakes wrong. What had just—Cole had never, in any of Zane’s memory banks—never ever—reacted like that to food. Being the Master of Earth allowed Cole to eat near anything with no problem—Zane had seen him eating peanuts, shells and all, biting through utensils on accident—and though he hadn’t been there, he had at least heard of Cole eating an explosive fortune cookie. Cole did not shy away from food of any description. The only time he had ever avoided eating was when—

Was when he was a ghost.

“—was that?” Zane came back into awareness to the sound of Jay speaking. Kai was blowing fire onto the table in precise streams—Zane realized, with some mortification, that he had coated nearly the entire table top in frost. He had let his emotions get the better of him, it seemed.

Wu hummed, stroking his beard. “It’s possible that after so long without taste, such a strong flavor would be overwhelming.” He suggested. “Perhaps Cole simply needs more time to adjust.”

That… would make sense. Zane couldn’t believe he hadn’t thought of that.

Of course none of you thought of that. Pixal said. Your excitement at Cole’s newfound humanity overrode any concerns at the adjustment. You really do care for Cole.

Zane chuckled internally. It was true, he had been excited. It had been too long since Cole had enjoyed Zane’s cooking.

Zane frowned as he looked back at the door. It seemed he would have to wait a little longer for that. He looked at Cole’s plate, almost entirely untouched, then at his own.

Zane didn’t feel hungry anymore.

+=+=+=+=+

Lloyd pushed the door open as gently as he could manage. He had kind of knocked, but also not really—not that it mattered, since Cole was just lying flat on his bunk staring at the ceiling.

“Heyyy,” Lloyd greeted, pausing awkwardly in the threshold. “You, uh, doing okay?” Ohhh, he was not good at this. This was something Kai should be doing, not Lloyd. But it was Kai’s turn to handle dishes today, and that always took him forever because he’d spend at least half an hour trying to get Nya or Zane to help. So Lloyd figured he could be the responsible leader that destiny wanted him to be, for once, and check in on Cole.

Lloyd closed the door behind him and leaned against it. “Sorry about earlier.” He said, for lack of anything else to start the conversation with. “Guess we should have realized that much sugar would be pretty intense for you after so long without…” He chuckled weakly.

Cole’s head lifted to peer at Lloyd. He was lying supine on his bunk, arms uncharacteristically straight at his sides. It wasn’t at all what Lloyd expected—Cole had always been more of a face-down or on-his-side guy when he was moping. Lloyd was pretty familiar with it, seeing how prone Cole was to depressive spells—especially as a ghost.

Like this, Cole looked stiff. Lifeless, even—wait, no, scratch that, that was an awful word to use.

The point is that it didn’t look natural. Cole’s head fell back onto the comforter—he wasn’t even using the pillow, what was going on—and he sighed.

“It’s Kai’s turn on dishes today.” Lloyd tried, slowly walking over towards the bed. “I bet he’s still begging Nya to use her powers to help him.” Any other chore, Kai could and would do, but dishes were like, his mortal enemy chore or something. Lloyd got it, though—dishes sucked. He brightened as he sat down on the edge, just inches from Cole. “Hey, now that you’re human again, you’ll probably have to do dishes soon!”

…Why did Lloyd say that? Was he stupid? Way to go, Garmadon, master of conversations here. Lloyd buried his face in his hands with a groan. “Shit, sorry, that was stupid—”

“I’ll probably break them.” Cole muttered.

Lloyd lifted his head to look at Cole. His expression had not changed, he hadn’t moved—Lloyd wasn’t entirely sure he had spoken at all. That uncertainty must have shown on his face, though, because moments later Cole clarified, “The dishes.”

“Oh.” Lloyd nodded. “‘Cause you’d try too hard to grab ‘em?” He asked, before pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. What a stupid question.

“Hmmm.” Cole responded.

Lloyd winced. Wow, this was going great (it wasn’t)!

They sat there in silence, Cole staring at the ceiling while Lloyd marveled at the complete and utter lack of green across his skin. No more glowing in the dark for Cole, it seemed—good.

“We really are glad to have you back—not that you ever really left us in the first place!” Lloyd hastily added. “But I mean it—it’s great that you’re human again.” He placed a hand on Cole’s, smiling at the solidity of it. “That you’re you again.”

Cole jerked his hand away, face pinched. He rolled over onto his side, his back to Lloyd.

“Yeah.” Lloyd’s shoulders hunched. “Good talk.” He stood as Cole scooted further away, fighting to keep his voice from cracking. “Look, whenever—if you ever need—if—” He growled, nails digging into his palms. “We’re here for you no matter what, okay?” His words felt so hollow. Lloyd felt hollow, a pale imitation of everything he was supposed to be. He couldn’t even comfort his friend without somehow screwing it all up. What a joke.

He wondered if that was how Cole had felt as a ghost.

“Sounds like Jay’s starting up a video game.” Lloyd tried, ears twitching. “Wanna come backseat game him?”

Cole didn’t respond.

“Okay.” Lloyd opened the door slowly, casting one last look back at Cole. “Whenever you’re ready, we’ll be there for you.” Readjusting to being human must be way harder than they were all expecting. That, or Lloyd really did suck at comforting. There was no way Cole wasn’t devastated by his reaction to breakfast, Lloyd knew—ugh, if only it was Kai coming in here doing the comforting. He’d have had Cole sitting up and laughing again in a heartbeat.

Lloyd closed the door behind him with a grimace. Maybe Cole just needed some time. Lloyd couldn’t really imagine how devastated he’d be if he finally got the ability to taste again only for his first bite of something sweet to be too much. Yeah, Cole probably just needed some time. Kai would probably go in there if Cole was still moping at lunch time, and Cole would come back to the table to eat lunch and it’d all be fine. Yeah.

Yeah. Just fine.

+=+=+=+=+

“Dude, just go left!”

“No way!” Jay protested, continuing to move his character across the parkour. “I know what I’m doing!” His character then proceeded to miss the jump and fall onto the spikes. Kai and Lloyd shared a look.

“Suuuuure.” Kai’s doubt was palpable. “Just know that when you die for a stupid gold brick I will be saying I told you so.” And taking the controller, too—they didn’t play on “til death” rules regarding turns that often, since someone—Kai—tended to end up with shorter turns that way. But Zane was busy meditating with Wu after what happened at breakfast, and Nya was out training in the yard, and none of the boys assembled before the tv wanted to set up the timer themselves. They could have been playing a co-op game, or even just any old multiplayer, but Jay had gotten there first and this was the game he’d chosen.

If he was making more mistakes than usual because of stress or whatever, neither Kai nor Lloyd commented on it. Which was all the better, because Jay was not making stupid mistakes, not at all. This game was just unusually hard today. For some reason.

“You don’t need to get every gold brick.” Kai was saying, proving why he wasn’t the gamer of the group. “Just go left!”

“Absolutely not.” Jay said, finally making the parkour necessary to reach the hidden area. “Look at that! Badges! It’s totally worth it to explore.” He grabbed the collectibles, including the gold brick, and maneuvered his character back onto the main path. “Besides,” he added, “There’s no way I’m taking advice from the guy who always loses at Brawl.”

“He’s got you there.” Lloyd poked Kai in the side, prompting Kai to shove him away with a hand on his face. Lloyd retaliated by blowing a raspberry into Kai’s hand, and Kai gasped in disgust while yanking his hand away and it was getting really hard for Jay to concentrate with those two play fighting in the background, could they just let him game in peace—

“Hey.”

Jay yelped, nearly dropping the controller. He recovered, narrowly avoiding an onscreen enemy and hitting the pause button. Kai and Lloyd had gone quiet behind him.

Cole stood in the doorway before stepping forwards. He stumbled, caught himself, and grabbed the arm of the couch as though he might fall over. Kai scooted over, and Cole lowered himself down onto the couch.

“Cole!” Okay, near in-game loss aside, Jay was happy to see Cole up and about. “You feeling better?” Jay really hoped that Cole didn’t have any other problems adjusting to being human again—adjusting to being a ghost had been bad enough, and Jay felt the universe owed them all a win at this point.

“Not really.” Cole grunted, eyes fixated on the screen.

“Oh.” An awkward silence descended upon the room. Jay turned back to the game and unpaused it, letting the music and sound effects fill the silence. Cole became a weirdly looming presence behind him, prompting Jay to turn around several times. But nothing changed in Cole’s posture or expression, no matter how many times Jay glanced back at him. It was… weird.

“Soooo,” Lloyd said, more to fill the silence than anything, “Gaming! That’s fun, right? This is fun!” But the energy from earlier was already lost, and Jay felt like a jerk for it. Cole was human again. They should all be able to go back to annoying each other with backseat gaming and play fighting on the couch. Just because Cole was acting way off—

“I’m pretty sure I’m dead.”

Jay almost dropped his controller, fumbling to catch it and navigating back to the menu in the process.

Cole’s expression did not change, despite the ominous statement. Everyone was staring at him now, ranging from confusion to concern.

“Uh,” Kai started, “What gave you that idea, buddy?” He leaned forwards, placing a hand on Cole’s arm. Lloyd noticed—with some bitterness—that Cole didn’t jerk away from the contact.

Cole said nothing.

The silence stretched on.

“Ha,” Jay started, grasping for a change in subject, “Remember when we were fighting over Nya? Man, those were the days. We were both being so stupid over it…” He swallowed, and looked Cole dead in the eyes. “I’m just glad to have you back.”

Cole stared blankly. “I don’t remember that.” He said, with all the energy of a sloth.

“Oh.” Jay gripped the controller a little more tightly than necessary as his character took an unnecessary hit. “Like, not even a little?” They had joked about wanting to put the whole incident behind and forget it, but—no, surely Jay was just misreading an attempt at a joke.

“Well,” Kai interjected, “I know you remember winning the Ninjago Talent Show with the Triple Tiger Sashay to get the Fang Blade. Right?” He cast a hopeful look Cole’s way—surely, he had to remember the day he got his true potential.

Cole blinked. “I did that?” He barely even sounded interested.

Jay stared at the screen—in his distraction, he’d hit a game over. Kai and Lloyd’s faces fell.

“Cole…” Lloyd began, “What do you remember?” He knew how to walk and talk, so he clearly hadn’t forgotten everything—

“Dying.” Cole was staring up at the ceiling, now. “Dropping the scroll.” His expression didn’t change. “Last night.” He added, after a moment’s thought. “This morning, too.”

“And that’s… all you remember?” Jay asked. C’mon, this wasn’t funny!

Cole’s blank stare was answer enough. Jay broke the eye contact first, staring down at his controller. The game’s menu theme buzzed against his skull. It felt like an omen.

“Hey, isn’t it Kai’s turn?” Lloyd asked. It was, because Jay had hit a game over, but—

“I think Cole’s memory loss is more important.” Kai sounded pained. “What do you mean, you only remember dying?” He grabbed Cole’s shoulders. “You’re not dead.”

Jay nearly threw the controller to the floor. “Yeah! You—you went through the Rift of Return!” He was kneeling before Cole, who looked like a deer in headlights under everyone’s attention, Kai’s hands on his shoulder and Jay’s hands on his knees and Lloyd leaning in from the other side of Kai. “You’re alive! You’re here!” No, no, this wasn’t—Cole was gonna be okay. He would.

Cole blinked.

“Uh…” Nya’s voice broke the tension. “What did we just walk in on?” And indeed, Zane and Wu were behind her, peering into the room with near identical expressions of perplexion.

As one, Kai, Jay, and Lloyd turned their attention to the doorway. “Cole doesn’t remember anything!” Jay yelled through eyes starting to prick with tears.

Nya’s face fell. Zane’s expression melted into naked worry, and Wu began to stroke his beard. “Is this true?” He asked, though the expressions on everyone’s faces was answer enough. “Perhaps going through the Rift at the last second had… consequences.” Wu suggested, stroking his beard.

Heat pricked up in the air around Kai. The tv screen flickered, and Jay twitched. Wu sidled away from Zane as the air around him dropped slightly in temperature.

Cole looked about helplessly, before moving to pry Kai and Jay off of himself.

“Well, whatever!” Nya declared. She pointed directly at Cole. “We’ll just have to make new memories!” The confidence in her voice didn’t quite match the storm in her eyes.

“Yeah.” Lloyd agreed. He turned to Cole. “And maybe your old memories will come back someday.” It sounded more like a question, when he said it—but nobody challenged the notion. Wu even hummed in what might have been agreement—and if anyone would know, it’d be Sensei Wu.

Jay breathed, staring up at Cole. All of their history, from the stupid parts to the best parts—all of it was forgotten, just like that. It was almost akin to the night after Nadhakhan’s defeat, when only he and Nya could recall the entire experience; it had been jarring, to have memories that the others didn’t. But this… no, Jay wasn’t going to think like that. Cole was human again, and that was all that mattered.

It would get better. It had to.

+=+=+=+=+

Things did not get better. Cole did not get better.

If anything, he was getting worse. He was barely eating, he seemed to stumble every other step—Kai was pretty certain he wasn’t sleeping, either. He wasn’t forgetting anything that happened since the Rift, but—it was almost like he just didn’t care, no matter what it was. Kai hated that. He wished Yang was still around so he could punch his stupid face. He wished Cole had made it through the Rift intact.

Kai wished for a lot of things he couldn’t have, really.

It all came to a head when Kai found Cole in the bathroom at—well, Kai didn’t know the exact time, just that the sun wasn’t due to rise for another hour or more—at ass o’clock in the morning, standing in front of the sink with the water on full blast, hand in the spray.

Kai almost didn’t notice him there—but he could have sworn that Cole’s reflection had a soft glow to it in the unlit bathroom. At the sight of what looked like glowing green eyes in the mirror, Kai choked, flailing for the light switch.

The light was blinding. The water continued to pour as Kai stumbled back, moving to cover his eyes against the sudden onslaught he’d brought upon himself. Cole didn’t move at all in the time it took Kai to recover his ability to see.

In the bright light of the bathroom, any glow that Cole may have had was gone. It was probably just a trick of the light, if Kai thought about it. Cole wasn’t a ghost anymore—there was no reason for him to be glowing.

“Heeeey buddy.” Kai gripped the door frame as casually as he could manage. Cole stared back at him blankly, water still going. “Uh, whatcha doing with that water?” Man, what would it take to be able to piss in peace on this ship? There was always something.

“It doesn’t hurt.” Cole said, turning his attention back to the sink.

Kai chuckled awkwardly. “Course it doesn’t, Cole. You’re not a ghost anymore.” He walked over and reached for the faucet. “C’mon, let’s turn it off before Sensei gets on our asses for wasting water.”

“It’s supposed to hurt.” Cole said, as Kai gently pulled his hand away and turned off the water. “I’m dead—it’s supposed to—”

“Whoa, whoa, hey.” Kai grabbed Cole’s shoulder, looking him directly in the eyes. “You’re not dead, Cole.” His eyes narrowed as he spoke, something like frustration creeping into his throat. “Remember? You went through the Rift of Return?” He wrapped his arm around Cole’s shoulders and started to drag him towards the door. Pissing could wait… apparently.

“I…” Cole’s brow creased. “I did do that, didn’t I?” He stumbled on nothing, his full weight swinging into Kai as he lost his footing.

“Yeah,” Kai grunted as he caught Cole. “Let’s get you to bed, okay? Since you’re alive and all, and you need to sleep just like the rest of us—”

Cole jerked away, leaning against the wall. “But I’m not.” He whispered. “I’m not alive.”

“Cole.” Kai hissed. “This isn’t funny.” The memory loss was one thing, and the lack of appetite or interest was another. But this—this strange insistence on death, when Cole was right there, was starting to get on Kai’s nerves.

“I’m dead.” Cole repeated, hand grasping at the wall he was leaning against. It landed on a door handle, and Kai could only lunge forwards uselessly as Cole tumbled backwards into whatever room he had opened. Kai landed between Cole’s legs, the wooden floor rough against his palms. Cole scoot-crawled backwards—in the low light of this new room, his skin seemed to take on a very faint glow.

More than that, Cole looked scared.

“You all want me to be something I can’t.” Cole moaned, grasping blindly behind him and shoving his foot against Kai’s chest. “You want—you want me to be him.” Kai shoved Cole’s leg to the side and scrambled forwards, intent on scooping Cole up into a hug until he came down from whatever was making him freak out so badly.

“But I can’t be him.” Cole was saying, scrambling backwards and upwards until he was leaning against—a counter, it looked like—were they in the kitchen? “I can’t be him, because he’s dead and gone.”

“Cole—” Kai grunted, “Just because—” Cole’s hand shoved at his chest, and Kai stumbled backwards several steps before regaining his footing. “Just because you can’t remember who you were before doesn’t mean you’re dead.” Okay, so subduing Cole was a no-go. Kai raised his hands nonthreateningly, fighting down the urge to spark. “C’mon buddy, let’s just… calm down, and take a deep breath, okay?” He took another step back, but Cole didn’t relax.

“He’s dead.” Cole muttered, still pressed as firmly against the counter as he could be.

“But you’re not.” Kai insisted. Fuck, he was never good at deescalating—that had always been Lloyd’s talent, not Kai’s. “Look, it’s late, you haven’t really been sleeping—” Kai also hadn’t slept super great, if he was being honest. “Let’s just take a deep breath, okay? Get some sleep, buddy, you’re too tired to think straight right now.” Before becoming a tireless ghost, Cole would have made a joke about never being able to think straight. But Cole only stared back at Kai, hand grasping at something on the counter. With only what little light from the bathroom made it down the hall and into the room, Kai couldn’t quite tell what Cole had grabbed.

“No, you don’t understand.” Cole breathed. Was it just a trick of the light, or were his eyes glowing faintly? “Cole is dead.” He swung whatever he had grabbed forwards, his other hand moving to meet it. “I’m just the corpse.”

Kai lunged forwards the moment he registered what Cole was holding. He grabbed at Cole’s wrists—but the knife had already been plunged into Cole’s hand, sticking straight through to the other side. It looked like one of their good steak knives, too.

Kai wasn’t thinking. He tore Cole’s hands apart, yanking the knife out without a second thought about the potential bloodloss. “Fuck fuck fuck—” He cradled Cole’s injured hand in his own, almost dizzy with panic.

“I’m dead.” Cole repeated, voice oddly even given the knife wound in his hand. “I shouldn’t be here. Not like this.”

“Shut up.” Kai hissed. Fuck, where were the bandages? Not in the kitchen—the supply closet? The bedroom? Fuck, he should try yelling to wake everyone else up—

The tiniest trickle of blood traced a line in Cole’s palm. Kai grabbed Cole by the arm and began to physically drag him out of the kitchen, to where one of the medkits should be.

Pissing could definitely wait.

+=+=+=+=+

“Don’t mess with your bandage.” Nya warned, voice tired. Cole looked as miserable as everyone felt, sitting curled up in his bunk. Dark bags had formed under his eyes, and his hand was still bandaged from when he had stabbed it the night previous.

Honestly, Nya didn’t know what had gotten into him. It was almost heartbreaking, to see someone who had always been so strong and steadfast looking like he might fall apart at any moment. Cole hadn’t been eating, he clearly hadn’t been sleeping—he looked like he’d rather be anywhere but here, curled up on his bunk being watched in case he tried something else drastic. The lack of food and rest had taken its toll on his body, leaving his skin looking almost discolored. If Nya thought about it, it almost looked tinted green.

But that was just a trick of the light, because Cole was alive. He had just barely eaten or slept for two weeks. That was all.

Not that that was good in any sense, but—Cole was alive. He wasn’t a ghost anymore. He just wasn’t.

“What’s the point?” Cole grumbled, tugging at the bandage. Nya glared. He stared back and didn’t stop messing with it. “I’m already dead.” His insistence on that fact had gone from annoying to worrying all the way back around to frustrating, but no arguing otherwise could convince him. Even though he had a heartbeat, even though Nya could still see his chest rising and falling, however slight—whatever had afflicted Cole—whatever had taken his memories and scraped him of seemingly everything that made him Cole—had him convinced he was dead.

“Dead.” Cole repeated. “Dead, dead, I’m dead and gone.”

“Cole, shut up.” Nya hissed. “Don’t talk like that. We’ll fix this.” They did not go through the Great Devourer, the Overlord, Chen’s cult, the Preeminent, and Nadhakhan just to give up now. There would be a way through this. There had to be. And they’d find it, no matter what, because ninja never quit.

“He’s dead,” Cole said, ignoring Nya. “Dead and gone, dead and gone.”

“SHUT UP!” Nya huffed, leaning forwards. “You’re not dead! I can see you breathing!” She poked his chest, “You have a heartb—” Wait.

That… didn’t feel right. Nya pressed her fingers against Cole’s chest, feeling it through the shirt—

That… that didn’t feel normal. Nya pulled down the hem of Cole’s shirt, revealing just enough of his chest to see—

Nya let go like the shirt had burned her, and Cole stumbled back. She could have sworn that it looked like—but there was no way. It just—it couldn’t—

Nya grabbed at Cole’s shirt and pulled down the hem again. The shirt couldn’t actually stretch very far, so the moment Nya saw the flash of green again she switched tactics to just grabbing the bottom hem and shoving the whole shirt up onto Cole’s shoulders. Cole barely reacted at all—not that Nya noticed, when all of her attention was locked onto the glowing green gash covering Cole’s chest. It throbbed in time with the rise and fall of Cole’s chest, shimmering with unearthly energy.

Had that been there the whole time? Nya racked her brain, trying to remember any point in the last two weeks where someone—anyone—would have seen Cole shirtless. He hadn’t really changed out of his gi that first night, having been too tired… and everyone but Wu’s bunks were all in the same room, Nya included. Not once could she remember Cole changing without facing the wall.

The green gash seemed to flare, pale light dancing through it. It extended from just above Cole’s collarbone down to his stomach, jagged and ugly and rotting. Nya took the only course of action available to her. She opened her mouth, took a breath, pitched her voice—

—and screamed.

+=+=+=+=+

Everyone was crowded into the bedroom within moments, staring at the bright green gash across Cole’s chest in varying states of horror.

“That’s not natural.” Jay began to panic. “Anyone else notice that that’s not natural? Because thAT’S NOT NATURAL! IT’S A GIANT GREEN THING IN COLE’S CHEST!” Nya grabbed his arm, and Jay cut off with a gasp, still staring at the glowing green gash.

“This is a terrible omen.” Wu’s voice was thick with worry.

“You know what this is?” Lloyd asked, glancing at Wu before going back to staring at Cole’s chest gash thing.

“There is a rift in his heart.” Wu stroked his beard as he spoke. “Something has been torn from him, and unless it can be returned…” He let the words hang in the air, but the implication was clear. Cole wouldn’t be Cole until he was whole again. If he could be whole again.

“So how do we find this something?” Kai asked, gripping the hilt of his sword.

Wu sighed. “I… am not certain.” He admitted. “It is possible that whatever has been torn from Cole no longer exists to be found.” His voice creaked as he spoke, brow pinched in worry, nails quickly turning to claws carding through his beard.

“That’s not good enough.” Nya spat. “Whatever’s wrong—we’ll fix it.” We have to went unsaid.

“But how?” Jay’s voice was reaching a very high pitch. “Where would we even start?”

“Yang’s the one who cursed him in the first place.” Kai hissed Yang’s name like it was poison.

“But Yang disappeared when the temple restored itself!” Jay argued back. “And all his students went off to who-knows-where!”

Cole had pulled his shirt back down, covering the rift. “He’s gone.” He said, staring blankly at nothing. “Just give up and bury me already.”

“Absolutely not!” Kai snarled. “Ninja never quit!”

Jay stumbled forwards, hands trembling. “Please,” He gripped Cole’s shirt with white-knuckled fists, the fabric bunched in his hands. “I just want my friend back.”

Cole had nothing to say to that.

“We need to start looking somewhere.” Zane interjected into the silence. Everyone looked at each other, as if a suggestion might miraculously appear.

“We gotta go back to where it all started.” Lloyd suggested. “To the temple, and the rift.”

“But didn’t Cole shatter the Yin Blade?” Jay pointed out. “And without a Yin-Yang Eclipse, there’s no way to open the Rift of Return anyway!”

“It’s our only starting point.” Nya argued. “It’s where Cole was cleaved.” She clasped Jay’s hand in hers, grim determination etched into her face.

Jay swallowed. “Right.” He clenched his hands into fists, static sparks dancing over his knuckles.

“Let’s start getting some answers.”

+=+=+=+=+

The sun was dipping below the horizon as the Temple of Airjitsu came into view. The Bounty pulled up alongside it as the last slivers of light clung to the horizon. Slowly, the Bounty parked—Jay couldn’t stop his leg jittering with impatience as the gangplank extended to the floating island.

Why was this place still floating anyway? Jay hoped this wasn’t some kind of sign that Nadhakhan would return someday. Facing the Djinn once was more than enough.

“Alright, we’re here.” Kai broke the silence as everyone made their way across the gangplank, Cole following along behind Zane. “Now what?”

“Go into the temple, I guess.” Lloyd suggested. “We can start looking for answers there.”

With that, they all headed towards the temple. Lloyd reached for the doors—they swung open seemingly on their own.

“Oookay, that’s creepy.” Jay commented.

“Seems this place isn’t as empty as we thought.” Kai gripped the hilt of his sword anxiously. “Let’s stick together.” He added, to general agreement.

They all made it just inside the entryway when the floorboards creaked ominously. Candles set along the edges of the room that hadn’t been there before suddenly flickered to life, bathing the whole group in gentle golden light.

And there, standing just in front of the stairs, was the pale ghost of Kodakuna Yang.

“You!” Kai lunged forwards, but Yang simply sidestepped him.

“There’s no time for petty squabbles.” Yang hissed. “Your friend is unwell.”

Indeed, whatever was going on with Cole’s chest had suddenly escalated, green glow starting to eat through the fabric of his shirt.

“Do you see the new moon? Do you feel the winds starting to build?” Yang asked, walking in a circle around the group. Indeed, there was hardly any moonlight coming in through the open door—but wind was already creeping in, making the candle flames flicker erratically.

“Whatever you’re trying—” Kai started, stopping when Yang raised a hand.

“I’m not doing any of this.” Yang said. “Something else is acting upon the world, trying to get in.” He gestured to the floor, where the ninja had unknowingly smudged a massive circle. “Something that sings of earth.”

“How are we supposed to believe you?” Nya demanded, water swirling around her hands.

“You have no reason to, it’s true.” Yang admitted. “But Cole helped me come to terms on the Day of the Departed. I only wish to return the favor.”

The wind began to really pick up, now, despite the fact that the ninja were inside.

“You have to close the circle.” Yang urged. “Or your friend could be forever lost!”

The ninja erupted into a cacophony of noise. Could they trust Yang? When he was the person to turn Cole into a ghost in the first place? What choice did they have? What if it was a trick? What did they have to lose?

It was Cole who settled the argument, walking to the center of the circle. He bent down, gently touching the paint lines—green light traced its way out from his fingers, matching the green light of the rift on his chest.

The winds blasted into the temple, now, putting out half the candles in the process. The roaring din shoved all of the ninja to the floor. When they picked themselves up, they were scattered across the room—except for Cole, who stood unmoving in the center of the circle.

There seemed to be little other choice. They had to close the circle.

“Kai!” Lloyd yelled, “Relight those candles!”

“On it!” Kai started blasting thin streams of fire out at the candles. The winds tore at his fire, but he adjusted and pushed more into the fire springing forth from his hands.

Nya and Zane moved without needing to be told, Nya re-wetting the paint and directing it to rebuild the circle; Zane froze the lines in place the moment the green glow spread through them.

Another blast of wind rattled the temple. Outside, the moon became a riot of colors. Everyone stumbled to the floor, fighting against the winds to stand again.

“Close the circle!” Lloyd urged, fighting to stand despite the winds.

“But what if it’s not a good idea?!” Jay asked, only faring slightly better.

“It’s the only idea we’ve got!” Kai responded, shooting flames at the final unlit candles. Zane froze the final section.

Silence.

The wind wailed as the circle began to glow in earnest, Cole standing in the center of it. Kai’s hands burst into brilliant scarlet flame—and as he looked around at everyone, he could see their elements forming around their hands. By some miracle they were each standing at equal points around the circle.

The circle glowed a brilliant green.

Cole stumbled back—they all stumbled back as the glow intensified and lifted up from the ground. The air itself split open, the green glow of Cole’s chest drowned in the light. Several shapes tumbled from the hole in reality, and the green glow intensified to blinding. The winds roared, the sky screamed, the ninja all grabbed onto each other—

The shapes that had tumbled from the rift resolved into a pile of people, all groaning as they attempted to disentangle themselves. Above that, though, casting a flickering green glow matching the hole in Cole’s chest—

Jay gasped. The ghost floated forwards, staring at the body standing just before it. Holes ate through the ectoplasm of the ghost’s form, and it seemed to flicker in and out of visibility—

But it was unmistakably Cole floating there, staring at the body. Cole stumbled forwards as Ghost-Cole floated forwards, the two seemingly drawn towards each other. Both raised their left hands, tentatively reaching forwards until their fingers touched—

There was a very bright explosion.

Silence.

When the ringing finally faded from Kai’s ears, he sat up, coughing. Everyone else was picking themselves up—and the people that had fallen from the rift had been flung onto the stairs, still piled up.

Cole was kneeling in the center of the circle, staring at his hands. Was he… ?

“Cole?” Zane was the first to speak. “Are you—”

“I’m alive.” Cole breathed, as if he couldn’t quite believe it. He flexed his hands, breaths coming in harsh and fast turning into teary-eyed laughter. “I’m alive!”

It was at that point that he was dogpiled by the rest of the ninja. Cole laughed, bright and alive—as his family hung off of him, all of them cry-laughing with relief. Cole was alive. He was alive!

A jagged scar crept down the side of his head, and there was surely a similar scar across his chest. But Cole was alive, heart beating, breaths coming in and out uneven from the sheer joy of being alive again. Kai buried his face in Cole’s shoulder, pleased to feel it shaking with Cole’s overjoyed sobs.

Slowly, with great reluctance, they all untangled enough to stand. “I can’t believe it.” Cole breathed, arms slung over the shoulders of Kai and Zane—only because they were the closest. The group as a whole moved to head out to the door and regale Sensei Wu with their near-miraculous success—

“Hey, wait!” The ninja finally turned their attention to the interlopers, the bodies that had accompanied the ghost through the sudden portal—

The teenagers who bore a strong resemblance to the ninja, and were staring at them all with equal surprise. There was no mistaking the resemblance—not with the obvious color-coding.

Kai—the Kai standing next to Cole, rather than the lookalike in the pile—broke the silence first, and summed up everyone’s thoughts in the process.

“What the fuck?!”

13 notes · View notes

escxpiism · 3 years

Text

( olivia holt, 23, she/her ) * hey, i’m looking for the office of ALICE ADAMS. they’re the EMPLOYEE who’s known around the office as THE MASK if that helps ? not to be a gossip, but i’ve heard that they’re ADAPTABLE but JADED, is that true ? i also heard that they’re the one who CATFISHED DAVID HASSELHOFF. anyways, here’s the coffee they ordered.

hi y’all !! i’m may ( 21 // est // she/her ) and i am super super pumped to be here !! i’m also very much writing this against my better judgment ya girl’s running on four hours of sleep and has the option to sleep more but......... is not tired ?? so i do apologize if my mind is secretly tired and makes this intro,,,, even worse than it would be fahouedn. on with the show !! anyway anyway!! feel free to like this if u wld like 2 plot and i will hit u up!!

( also, for some vibes if you so choose to read, here’s the link to her playlist ! )

----------------------------------------------------

QUICK FACTS:

full name: alice audrey adams

date of birth: october 26th, 1997

*will not perfectly reflect the zodiac big three below because that’s.... math.

zodiac big three: scorpio sun, virgo moon, taurus rising

gender & pronouns: cis woman & she/her

sexual orientation: bisexual

education: ged, bachelor’s degree in film — pratt institute

enneagram: 4w3

mbti: enfp

temperament: sanguine-melancholic

label: the mask

various inspirations: “nutshell” - alice in chains, “santa monica” - everclear, “polly” - nirvana, “jennifer’s body” - hole, “creep” - stone temple pilots, kate wallis ( cruel summer - shhhh ), heather davis ( crazy ex-girlfriend ), satana hellstrom ( marvel comics ), bojack horseman - without the amount of problematic ego ( bojack horseman ), eddie huang ( fresh off the boat ), the great britney spears evolution ( temporarily stopping at circus era )

BACKSTORY:

triggers in order: toxic family dynamic, grooming (nothing super in-depth), kidnapping (? like it was ‘willing’ but no. see next trigger for why), toxic “relationship” (and 11yr age gap w/ a 16y/o we hate it), straight-up captivity, very brief mention of suicide + heroin (very!)

*would like to quickly preface that this isn’t just Dark for the sake of being r/im14andthisisdeep but that’s for a later time **(also! i have markers for where the grooming + Super Dark parts begin and end! -- also, the Super Dark part is all very public knowledge. had articles. media frenzy. first thing that comes up if you google her name) *** also. if u need it then a tl;dr is below this section hfkldsa

alice audrey adams was born to the type of family that names all of their children alliterative names ( however, they sadly didn’t get their own kardashian-style show )... alexis adams (working name, utp if taken as a wc)... alfie allison adams (working name, utp if taken as a wc)... born to anna adams and allen adams... we hate it here.

as u can see... all of the kids were basically named after allen... they all had ‘al’ names.... extremely confusing

plot-twist: THAT’S the darkest part

the adams were very concerned with public image. as a family in the upper echelon, they simply had to be! a narcissist father, a distant mother, put in competition with her siblings — there was no truly healthy dynamic in the household. but they looked good. they went to church every sunday, a ‘wwjd’ sticker on the back of her mother’s car. they did just enough activities and took just enough trips together to get the image across. they threw parties. they attended parties. they were the picture perfect american family — they even had two cats in the yard! life used to be so hard!

of course, in reality, this all left ms alice quite the lonely gal. but don’t worry! she didn’t turn to hedonism! lord no! instead, she turned to other people. a lot of friendships — couldn’t tell if they were real or #fortheclout — but at a point, did it matter?

grooming tw: it all came to a screeching halt when she met luke johnson, the son of their neighbors. he came back from california to georgia to visit family, care for his ailing father. oh, he was a good man! sure, he was ‘somewhat’ older than her — 27 when she was 16 — but he was such a good, handsome young man! and they were all still calling him young man, after all.

alice ‘began’ a torrid affair with luke after about a month into his visit. although she saw no immediate wrong in it, he insisted she keep it a secret ‘for the time being’ — which really just made it all the more exciting! he made all the storm clouds that hovered disappear.

one day, the levee broke for alice (still figuring out what exactly happened because i don’t wanna go too dark since this is already extremely dark, but trust that it had something to do with her parents and was just enough to push her over the edge). convinced luke was the only safe person, she turned to him. knowing their small community would catch on and essentially exile him, he took that opportunity to convince her to go back to santa monica with him where they could ‘start anew’ after his father’s death.

there are a few details i plan on adding regarding like. how legality playing into it. but i may just reserve those for an official bio lhakfsdfj

**BEGINNING OF SUPER DARK** for a while, there was the question of whether they should consider it a kidnapping or not. she went with him willingly, but she was still underage (and… you know, that age difference… the power dynamic... gross y’all). the adams insisted that it was (bc it basically was lbr) — primarily because it would make them look far better — but the community still questioned the logistics and legalities of it all… ugh. did the police really wanna deal with that? ugh.

in any case, on the other side of us america, autumn was nearing. alice would have the very occasional inquiry over how school would work (very occasional! don’t worry, luke!), over the logistics of her new life… and, after receiving multiple calls from various friends (in addition to her siblings) that sounded genuine, began wondering… if she’d made the right choice. questions about him.

when she began bringing up the idea of going back — at least for the school year!! — he would continuously remind her that she was not old enough to buy herself a plane ticket (and he was not about to do that). she also couldn’t rent a car yet (and he certainly wouldn’t let her take (one of) his car(s)!). but most importantly? he loved her. and she loved him. (what a creep!)

so, for a hot second, it seemed like she was stuck. damn legalities!! damn love!! you know, until she texted her older sister back with all of the problems that only being 16... and “in love”.... caused. her sister offered to fly down, buy her a plane ticket, and fly back with her.

when luke saw this (with all the unrestricted access to her phone he had so he could block, delete, and manipulate as he pleased), he confronted her. things went awry. she wound up in his budding wine cellar (which he soon emptied, of course… those merlots :( ….). he messaged back and, as her, said it was actually all good!! luke had figured out the logistics and she could call whenever she wanted!!

and those calls became frequent! because she would pick up when luke held it up to her! because she was pretty sure luke would kill her if she didn’t!

she wasn’t sure how long it was until she was officially Found. it took what was ruled a suicide by luke, a shot to the head and heroin in his system, to finally get any authority’s attention. all she knew was that she went to santa monica in mid june and she stopped seeing regular daylight by late july. so some time in august to some time in april… **END OF SUPER DARK + GROOMING**

she was returned to georgia shortly after and everything was different. from herself to her friends. but everything was also the same. from her room to her family. it was all… teasing. she began going to therapy, but she really sucked at it?? so she just let her therapist rely on various articles that covered the event. because it had been a media circus. good enough, amirite??

she didn’t have the will or patience to put on that peppy facade she’d had before, but there were still a few things she found a smidge of joy in. music (although her taste had… slightly altered and wow! it’d been almost a year since she’d picked up that bass!), videography… just those small things, you know??

for the first half of the ~ 2014 fall semester ~, she attempted actual school. really was not working out. with, for probably the first and only time, her parents’ approval and understanding, she dropped out and studied for a ged -- shorter and self-led -- instead.

she passed with a pretty decent grade... but it’s been argued that she really shouldn’t have gotten into pratt institute (she was at least realistic and didn’t apply to, like… cornell), but she did. national news helps.

while in the concrete jungle where dreams are made of, she learned of masters. she submitted an application as a joke — because her grades sucked!!!!! — but guess who got a job?? oh, she could pretend it was because her selected portfolio was actually genuinely good… but, man… we all know…

fun fact: my uncle applied to harvard as a joke. some twenty-five years later, we still haven’t heard back :\

she… continues to suck. like… she kinda wants the place to eventually burn down?? figuratively speaking (or is it…) but ya, for all the monopolizing she has seen turn people Evil?? but the hell can she do about it… just gotta make sure she keeps her in-house videographer job… maybe she can do something about it when she like… is capable. fuaihoelwdjkn

she sees an in-house therapist and i’d say ‘good for her,’ but it was mandated l m a o

doesn’t talk about herself all that much!! but that might not matter for some people, yk?? ugh journalism <3

y’all im so bad at ending intros.

TL;DR:

(consult above trigger list): bright kid in a super rich and toxic family because obviously. everything they did was just to look good <3 also they all had ‘a’ names which is the biggest tragedy of all :( ‘fell in love’ when she was 16ys/o with a 27y/o who was visiting to care for his father in his final days. had a torrid affair. creep. creep (luke) basically made her ‘fall in love.’ she thought creep was the only safe person at one point and creep was like ‘wanna go back 2 santa monica w me?’ and she was like ‘yes.’ and everyone was like ‘was this kidnapping... we cant tell....’ then he became even more possessive when she started questioning him and some logistics. when she finally found a way she could go back to georgia for a spell, he was like ‘no u can go in my wine cellar btw i will be taking all of the wine out.’ he kept her there from august to april and... only reason he didnt keep keeping her was bc he was Caught so. back to georgia where the devil went down. everything was Worse. even the things that were the same. but hey, the sob story that landed her in the news plenty of times got her into a college she shouldn’t have gotten into and gave her a leg-up in a joke application for a job at masters (in-house videographer). really bad at doing her work but like... fuck the man i guess??

PERSONALITY + HEADCANONS:

has no time for Fake Nice (which, as a born southerner, she’s really good at sniffing out!). has no time for arrogance. kind of makes her at odds with the nyc upper class...

on that note, still got a lil bit of some georgia twang

she lets herself indulge in various vices, but has left a previous hedonist status. weed and alcohol are still pretty common, but everything else is kept at arm’s length.

also, while on that topic, she Does Not drink wine. being trapped in a cellar... kinda makes u averse. like. literally despises it. will go on autopilot and make it KNOWN if offered wine.

also ALSO while on that topic, after looking it up and seeing she fits the new york city requirements, she has a medical marijuana card <3 the one good thing, if u ask her, to come out of therapy/psychiatry <3 will not show it off unless absolutely NECESSARY bc then it gets personal or <3 will lie about why and say it’s like for epilepsy or sumn unless ur rolfe but <3 she has it <3

at odds with herself. enjoys the company of others, definitely has a history of being an extrovert, but has become very selective with the company she keeps.

VERY private person! has had enough public standing!

...has occasionally used her story to advance her tho bc it’s her national newsworthy tragic story and she can exploit it if she wants <3

when good charlotte said “i don’t wanna be in love”?? she felt that. her last ‘relationship’ ruined that for her <3 save her <3

used to be really into pop! bc pop is fun! she loved some britney (i mean... she still does... how can u not!)! but. her taste has changed drastically. rarely listens to pop. has traded britney for like.... hole and the like.

her parents didn’t use this as the basis for her name but,, 2 me,,, she’s named alice for a reason <3 gotta luv alice in chains <3

y’all i found a youtube comment on a video called ‘nirvana - half the man i used to be’ (the song was, in fact, ‘creep’ by stone temple pilots) and it’s <3 her music taste <3 click here for it <3

the above said, dresses like she’s in seattle in the early 90s.

her rumor is true btw she DID catfish david hasselhoff and she will proudly tell u. it’s her best accomplishment.

completely stopped talking to her parents and got cut-off a while back ago so now she’s livin like the Prols

which is how a rich kid one of my profs once advised referred to his classmates.... hilarity ensues.

the above in mind, her parents say she’s testing the waters as a ‘normal person’ to save face. they can’t have anyone knowing their family isn’t perfect <3

she has a pet turtle whom she named “dr. turtle,” although he’s constantly referred to as “doc” or “the doc.” he has his own youtube channel and tiktok account.

she has a wall full of evidence that courtney love did not kill kurt cobain... it makes sense, believe me.

became a vegetarian...... partially because it was different from her original life and a way to control something, partially because this commercial made her feel SO BAD.

literally her default mode is stoned like... a totally sober alice is rarer than a nessie sighting

when she was 18, before she could ‘hold her liquor’ as well as she can now, she got a lil too drunk and now has a portrait tattoo of courtney love on her forearm. but it was done well at least!!

kind of ironic considering her career, but RARELY posts on any social media site except twitter. after the media circus in 2014 and All Eyes On Her, she’s just..... so tired...... of ppl seeing her face and being like ‘omg ur that wine cellar bitch!’

(drugs tw) has become more and more Addicted to playing around with fate. j chill on a ledge, talkin to some pals, but deciding it’s a good idea to swing her legs on the wrong side of ledge? totally! mixing a lot of alcohol with opioids which she is not accustomed to? DEF!! (end tw)

more to come!!

CONNECTION IDEAS:

i have two (2) queued up!! but while we wait for them to post, i’ll just… link them over here: 1, 2

muse u <3 the other half of her subplot from the main <3

her older sister!

her younger sibling!

some of the basics!! you know: close pal, roommate, drug buddies (but she gotta hit them up), fwb, ons, frenemies, enemy

ppl who recognize her from the 2014 luke johnson articles and have either brought it up or,,,,,,, act Awkward™

cld be fun 2 just have like. a jam bud. someone who plays any instrument and they j. jam sometimes.

ppl she sells. some of her medical marijuana to. bc yk what weed may be legal in nyc now but,,,, she’s still found a way to be broke she will accept anything. and also it just became legalized THIS YEAR so!!

i have a budding wc page @ https://escxpiism.tumblr.com/wcs (and when i say budding, i MEAN budding) so feel free 2 check it out!!

more to come!!

#masters.intro #alice | intro !#this took me like....... 2hrs 2 write so i do indeed think my mind is fooling me and actually lagging behind.

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ascreamingstrawberry · 6 years

Text

Friends

Summary: “He wasn’t happy, wasn’t sure if he felt any better, but at least his friends were here with him.” - Dee has a rough night, so his friends help him out.

June 24th : Friendship, June 25th : Roceit, June 26th : Loceit, June 27th : DLAMP, June 28th : Patceit, June 29th : Anxceit, June 30th : FamILY

Pairings: None, like I swear they’re all platonic.

Word Count: 1,462

Warnings : sympathetic deceit! mentions of gender/sexuality questioning, mentions of not eating, angst (lots of it). mentions of the band Bowling for Soup (yeah that one from Phinease + Ferb)

Notes : Ah this is a vent piece, whoops. Also suck at titles hep. If you find Good/Sympathetic Deceit triggering or you just don’t like it, don’t read. Leave a like, a reblog, message, and reply! I love hearing your comments.

It wasn’t uncommon to find Dee with his legs stretched out on the floor, back leaned up against to his desk, fighting the voice in his head that berated him. There was that little part of him that wanted to scream, wanted to tug at his hair, to kick his feet and demand that things go his way. He slipped his hands up in between the strands of his brown hair that he hadn’t washed today, resisting the urge to scratch at the clothes made his skin itch.

Dee didn’t want to care about what it meant to be a he, what it meant to feel wholeheartedly. Dee didn’t want to resist the twitch in his hands every time he watched one of his friends shower another in affection, celebrating each other’s uniqueness. Dee didn’t want to think about the difference of attraction to romance and romantic attraction, or the long list of broken hearts behind him that he tried to pass off as miscommunication. Or not finding the one yet.

He wanted to sleep, and never wake up. Stay in dreamland where things were either so fuzzy and hazy that he felt soft as cotton candy, or they were horrifying, the worst he’s ever felt. But at least he could clearly recall the fear embedded in every bone of his body, keeping him from speaking or moving. At least there he could feel.

Dee’s shoulders shook, twitching along with his stomach as he cried. The tears didn’t even run, damn things. They just stayed collected at the edges of his eyes, blurring his vision until he attempted to wipe them away with the back of a shaky hand. His mouth twisted up, and he turned a little to the left to avoid the stand up mirror facing him, he didn’t need more to feel bad at the moment. He wasn’t sure how long he had sat there, clutching the small stuffed snake that branded his university’s logo, until a knock interrupted him from his self pity.

It could have been an RA or anyone else, but of course it had to be Patton’s tenor voice coming through from the hallway. Dee imagined Patton had his head pressed against the wall next to his door, as he’s opened to the sight many times. Patton would usually be humming something, the energy in him buzzing through his veins causing him to bounce with almost every part of his body. He was taller than most, the tallest of their friends at least, and his limbs just stretched so far that he was kind of everywhere at once.

And Dee didn’t even consider that he would’ve had people with him, he was up and opening the door before his brain could catch up with him. His eyes registered that the other three were standing behind him, but all Dee could see was that damn blue polo of his being as short as Dee is, and next thing he knew his eyes were squeezed close and arms were being wrapped around him.

He was pushed further into his room, it suddenly felt smaller than any other room they’ve all been in together. Logistically that was because he was in a single, and they were in a kitchen suite with two double rooms and an empty, so his was smaller. But as he wrapped his arms around Patton’s waist, he wanted to be closer. He wanted just a little of the warmth or the joy that the older man radiated to transfer to him. Dee felt a hand slip between them, brushing away the hair falling over his eyes and collecting a bunch of tears with his thumb, a soft, sibling-like kiss pressed to the top of his hair. The move was comfortable, and he almost felt bad for pressing his cheek against the hand like until he heard Roman’s deep bass laugh a little wetly.

Dee lifted his head from Patton’s chest, tried to pull away in an attempt to gain some dignity back in a group where he never had any to begin with, when lanky arms wrapped his shoulders pulling him into another hug. A hand patted his back, and Logan stepped away, and Virgil’s hug was as soft as quick as it was rare.

“You wanna talk?” Patton asked, his voice low and quiet and fuck, Dee felt like a child the way he shook his head no in response, and practically made grabby paws at him. Patton smiled though, pulled him into a hug anyway as things moved around them.

By the time Dee pulled away, Roman was putting a handful of candy wrappers in the trash bin as he hummed along to an old Bowling for Soup song that Virgil had started playing from Dee’s open laptop. If Dee had the energy, he would reach over and close the email tab that was still open, the start of tonight’s breakdown, but he didn’t so it was left staring him down from across the room. A battle with his past, a reminder of the people he’s hurt, of how he’s evil, doesn’t deserve-

Virgil closed the tab. Didn’t just minimize it, apparently not caring at all what was on it as he pressed the little red x, but definitely noticing the way Dee’s eyes blinked back at him when it was gone. And now that he had his attention-“When’s the last time you ate anything besides those?”

Dee forced a smile passed his lips, wiped at his face, turned away from them, anything to not appear as weak and pathetic as he felt mumbling “Maybe Monday?”

“It’s Thursday.” Logan replied, there was a stiffness to his voice, and Dee bit his lip. They were mad, god he couldn’t even do so much as eat, and-laugh. Just laugh it off. Dee shrugged, smiling even though it kind of hurt, and mumbled an apology. “We should go get some real food in you then.”

Dee’s stomach wasn’t grumbling, it wasn’t like he was fighting against hunger of any kind, he just wasn’t hungry. So he just made a nonchalant noise, climbed over to use the step stool for his bed, being as he was shorter than most who kept their beds on the top notch, and wondered if they’d leave. “I can take care of myself, I know I act like it, but I’m not a baby.”

“No one called you a baby.” Roman replied, leaning against the closet door as a soft ukulele song played. Probably one of his additions, Dee thought to himself, the fact that the group tended to use his account since he was the only one with Spotify premium made him feel a little more integral.

Virgil sat in the chair by his desk, Pat joined Dee on the bed, and Logan leaned on his arm laid out next to the tv on his dresser. Roman bent down next to him, picking up a familiar flash of green and waving. “Childhood stuffed animal?”

“No.” Dee held his hands out and Roman tossed it his way, everyone kind of watching the way the shortest of them clutched the snake to his chest, pushing his face into it.

“I gave it to him.” Pat leaned over, nearly falling on top of Dee completely as he attempted to knock shoulders with him. Dee made a noise of agreement, soon enough the room would be filled with laughter and fond memories of middle school dance hits, but for now a smile came easy. He wasn’t happy, wasn’t sure if he felt any better, but at least his friends were here with him.

The memory casted a ghost of a smile on Dee’s face as he pressed the face of the familiar stuffed snake into his tear filled face months later. He was cornered around buckets of his university stuff in the living room of his family’s one floored apartment. One of his sisters were sleepily loudly on the couch next to him as he scrolled through the photos from the previous semester hoping it would make him feel a little better. It didn’t. All it did was remind him that there would be more nights ahead like this. Trying to muffle his cries as his emotionally exhausted brain fought sleep for just one more hours as the same dreams that had comforted the desolate student, now only teased and terrorized him. It reminded him how empty the suite would feel with Patton no longer attending the school, Roman transferring in December, Virgil ignoring him, and Logan furious with him since he’d gone risked his health by forgetting to eat again. Yeah, the memory may have soothed him for a moment, but now all it did was make him miss them even more.

#sympathetic deceit #sympathetic deceit week #deceit sanders #TSdeceit #roman sanders #logan sanders #dlamp #platonic dlamp #patton sanders #virgil sanders #platonic patceit #platonic loceit #platonic roceit #platonic anxceit #tori writes #tori writes sanders sides

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the314anoman · 6 years

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2018 sucked

it was probably the shittiest year of my life, and that’s not an easy title to claim. let’s recap:

it all started way back in early january, when our subway came under new ownership and we got a new manager, who had worked there for a shorter period than i had (yeah, i was part-time working during college, she was full-time, but w/e) and it all went downhill fast. our manager wasn’t bad, she just was just trying to deal with all the new regulations we were facing and the fact that we were Massively Understaffed™ for being located in a fucking mall. like, for contrast, our old managers let us get away with not turning the line coolers off at night if we were really busy, but under the new owners, we had to clean the legs of tables to get the salt of them. i decided to quit in march after having minors stay and help me close even though they were off the clock since they were required to punch out at 9:30 and still getting yelled at for staying too long and not making everything Perfect. it was so stressful trying to work both faster and harder, so i quit. then, college got out in april and i was looking for internships all over and applying everywhere, but i never got even so much as an interview request. so, june came and i just said “fuck it” and applied to other subways closer to home. ended up getting an interview the next day at a different subway, 2 miles from the old one. i got the job and starting working to find out the subway was also Massively Understaffed™ but the manager was more chill, so it seemed fine. turns out the reason the manager was chill is that he was high. like, all the time. this resulted in him having the memory of a goldfish. like, i specifically told him and his assistant manager that i couldn’t work one day and yet he still called asking where i was when i very plainly explained it twice. and he also scheduled a meeting on the day i request off for my niece’s baptism. at 8am. on a sunday. at the same time, i managed to get an interview at a local factory. it wasn’t really an internship nor in my field, but it was a job and it paid $12/hr so i was like, hell yeah, why not. i managed to get the job and started july 1st, which was great, buuuuuut... the job was super boring; it was pretty much doing the same repetitive tasks over and over again for 7.5 hours a day while ~~listening~~ being subjected to country music. BUT, we got 3 breaks a day and it was nice having a chill job. i came up with a lot of really good writing ideas for a novel that’s been a super long wip because my mind was mostly free during work since it was so repetitive. at this time, i’m still working at subway, mostly weekends and some 5-close shifts. i’m not getting a whole lot of sleep and so that probably explains what happens on july 25th, probably the single shittiest day of my life. i get into the factory and the normal manager is gone on vacation and one of my coworkers is taking over. she tells me that i’ve been missing the least important step in the process of making some parts that i’ve been doing for days now. so naturally, i mess it up a couple more times, but only when she’s watching, because ofc. this happens 3 times and the third time i kind of chuckle to myself because i’m literally only doing it when she’s watching. she takes this to mean i’m laughing at her and yells at me about how i think it’s a joke and blah blah blah, like that’s not what i meant at all but she won’t let me explain. THEN, i get out of work and i’m already on the verge of tears because i have a migraine from lack of sleep and i hate getting yelled at, and i see a text i got while at work (we’re not allowed phones on our person at all at the factory. national security stuff apparently) that my grandma is in the hospital and not going to make it. i just... lose it. i go home and just sit outside on a chair, cuddling my cat and gross sobbing for the first time i can recall. i’m supposed to work a 5-9 shift at subway tonight, but i am not in any state to work. i call them through tears saying i can’t work tonight, i’m visiting my grandma in the hospital in muskegon, an hour away. she’s unconscious when i get there. she dies an hour later, while me and my family are eating dinner downstairs in the basement where there’s no signal. eventually tomorrow comes. it’s now july 26th, which if you know me, is my birthday. my 21st birthday, in fact. you know how for most people, their 21st is the best day of your life? yeah, it was one of the worst for me. i still had to get up at 6am for the factory work, then run home, get changed, and work 5-9 at subway. the only bright spot were two helpful coworkers. one from the factory gave me a butterscotch shot, saying you should still try and enjoy your birthday and my subway coworker bought a hershey pie for me and gave me a hug and some helpful advice. (she had been through a similar experience with her mom passing, so she knew a lot about grief.) i took her advice on letting yourself be happy and decided to go to my friends’ meetup that weekend, which i had requested off from subway previously. it’s a while away, but this was planned a long time ago and i don’t get to see my college friends in the summer other than this, so i’m not missing this. but, when i’m almost there i get a call from subway insisting that i work this weekend to make up for missing my 4 hour shift yesterday. i’m furious because i missed it for legitimate reasons and i was already over 2 hours away and i was NOT driving back. (the reason they’re insisting is because they don’t want to pay my coworker overtime, despite the fact she’s living in a trailer park only off her subway income, too.) they say they might have to fire me and i’m like, sure, i have another job and i already put in my 2 weeks lol. so i go there and try to forget this whole week ever happened. the funeral is on monday, the factory gives me it off so i can attend. there’s lots of tears. lots and lots. my grandma touched a lot of people’s lives; she’s one of the kindest people i’ve ever known. she probably would have supported my sexuality if i ever told her, i regret not doing so earlier. i come back to my factory job on tuesday, and as if the universe is answering some unanswered “could things get any worse?” the hiring manager informs me i’m fired, as if it had to be july 31st, to add to the shithole that july 2018 was. this was a temp position to begin with, and i was leaving in a couple weeks anyway, but this is just another blow to an already grieving 21-year-old. i may have just lost both my jobs and my grandmother in the span of 7 days. i leave the factory and get in my car and just. scream. time passes. the pain of july slowly fades from a roaring inferno all over my body to a dull pulsing. good things start to happen again. i move into an apartment with 3 friends, get a job at the theatre after a lot of paperwork issues, i make the cut for an a capella group and find new friends, develop a crush on someone (something i haven’t really had since high school - but that’s a story for another time), and actually start getting my shit together. things are definitely looking up, despite the fact i had the worst month of life a couple months ago. ...and then comes december, as if it’s trying to challenge july to a battle for shittiest month ever. final exams are coming up, i spend a lot of the previous week leading up to exams rehearsing for performances (i had 4 performances in a week’s span), not much studying could be done. not that studying would help that much, as we would see, but w/e. i ended up forgetting my book with all the important formulas and relationships in it that are too complex to memorize, so i completely bombed that final, and therefore failed the whole class. i’m already having to take an extra semester, failing this class does NOT help. i barely stayed above a 3.0 gpa, a requirement for most internships. on the same day we got final grades back, my mom got a call saying my grandpa had died, only a week before christmas. my whole family went back up to do the whole funeral thing again. we are getting awfully familiar with this nursing home (my mom lost both her parents and an uncle in 5 months). finally, on new year’s eve i decide it’s either now or never to admit my feelings, so i ask my crush out. i get rejected, which is mostly what i expected, but it still knocks the wind out of me. so yeah, 2018 was super extra shitty for me. but at the same time, i feel like i’ve grown a lot as a person. i’ve made a bunch of new friends, gained a niece, learned a lot about pain, and done a lot of things i never thought i’d do. hell, i had the balls to ask a guy out, which was something that frightened me to my core. i went on a trip to dc and learned more about the injustices happening here, i went camping/hiking with friends, and went tubing behind a boat. so, i’m not gonna pretend it’s all bad.

#sorry about the super long post #but i needed to reflect on the past year #it's been life-changing #for better or worse

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