#platonic roceit

[loganslowdown4]

Virgil: *taps table*

Janus: *taps back*

Roman: Uh, what are they doing?

Remus: Shh! Arguing in morse code-

Virgil: *aggressively taps*

Remus: GASP!

Roman: What did he say??

Janus: *slams hand on table* YOU TAKE THAT BACK, BITCH!

Virgil: HELL NO!

Roman: WHAT DID YOU SAY??

Virgil & Janus: STAY OUT OF IT!

[ssslimyboy]

Janus, drunk: I don't know why people make such a big deal out of lying. You just say stuff. You still think my name's Janus.

Roman, also drunk: WHAT.

[dukeyeatsdeodorant]

Janus: Bitches be like “he’s my right hand man” JUST SAY HE’S YOUR BEST FRIEND. SAY IT.

Roman: Janus have you considered that maybe right hand man sounds cooler and has more homoerotic subtext?

Janus: Janus has reconsidered. You’re right.

Logan: Finally, an example of productive discourse and growth.

Patton: GUYS HELP I ATE SHAMPOO!

Logan: Annnd the moment has been ruined.

[halfhissandwich]

They should really be friends

[ethan-torchios-bitch]

roman: everyone lies

janus: not me. i never lie.

roman: oh yeah? did you fuck my brother?

janus: none of your business and that’s the truth.

[prodigal-explorer]

my dearest little prince (i)

(roman sanders hurt/comfort, cw for extreme self deprecation and janus dropping truth. features sympathetic janus!)

“My dearest little prince…what’s happened to you?”

Roman’s hollow eyes, darkened from sleep deprivation, were squeezed shut, tears spilling out the sides and down his cheeks. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Nobody was supposed to know. Not even Janus’ tender, lulling voice could pull him out of this panic.

“Baby, come here. Please. Let me help you. Let me hold you.”

Janus’ words were practically hypnotic to the tired, desperate young prince. Roman was so tired of being used, so tired of being an object. All he wanted was to be loved, just like everyone else, but it seemed that no matter what he did, no matter what positions he bent himself into, he could never change himself enough. He was still too Roman. Maybe his actions weren’t the problem, after all. Maybe Roman himself was to blame. Everything about him, after all, was wrong, no matter what he did and how he did it. Roman could feel his mind turn to fuzz, Janus’ words and form growing farther and farther away as he enveloped himself in a meager attempt at self-protection. After all, Roman had long learned that he couldn’t trust anybody else to protect him from anything.

This had to be a trap. It just had to be.

“When was the last time you ate?” Janus whispered, putting a hand on Roman’s shoulder. The prince flinched back, but Janus persisted, too anxious to be sensitive. “Baby, please. I’m worried about you. You’ve always been so fragile. And lately, it feels like you’ve just been floating away.”

“Yeah?” Roman whispered, his voice seething with hurt. “I wonder why.”

Janus blinked, and tilted his head, his brow furrowed. “What do you mean, darling?” he asked gently.

“Maybe I should float away,” Roman mumbled thickly as his tears started to suffocate him. “You all would like it so much better if I was gone. You play tricks on me to make me shut up or look stupid, you use me for your own agendas without even caring about mine, and then you betray me when all I ever wanted to do was help my friends! I wanted to be a prince, I wanted to be honorable and chivalrous, but- but what’s the point if it always ends with me alone? I’m the least favorite side, Janus. The least favorite. The least amount of fans like me, and the most amount of fans hate me.”

“That’s-…that’s not fair, Roman,” Janus whispered, but Roman interjected before Janus could continue.

“Maybe it is fair,” he snapped, “Someone has to be. Maybe it should be me. After all, I am the evil twin. No matter what I say or do, no matter how hard I try, people only care about the bad stuff I did, and none of the good stuff I’m doing. What’s the point of trying anymore? What’s the point of anything?”

Roman tried to keep ranting, but a whimper cut him off, and as he realized the weight of everything he was saying, he started to sob. He felt like he was being crushed under the weight of the situation. Never in his entire life had the little prince felt so helpless.

Janus took the opportunity to talk. He tried to hide his anger, not towards Roman, but towards everyone and everything that caused Roman to believe such terrible things were actually true. Himself included.

“My precious little one,” Janus murmured, carefully pulling Roman’s limp and trembling limbs into a hug. “You are not evil. Evil people don’t worry about whether or not they’re evil. Evil people don’t cry as you do now. You are so, so good, my darling. And I’m sorry that nobody has told you that. I’m sorry that you’ve felt so alone for so long. You try harder than anybody I know. You are so ready to learn and change that sometimes I worry that you’ll lose yourself one day and never find it again.”

“Would that really be such a bad thing?” Roman muttered to Janus’ chest.

“Of course it would!” Janus scolded gently, starting to rhythmically pet Roman’s curly hair and support his delicate form. “Roman, you are so special. You’re so…beautiful. I’ve never met anybody else who sees the world the way you do, with such wonder. With such color. You sing when no audience is around to applaud you. You speak to things that can’t speak back. You care so much about everything. You care more than anybody I’ve ever met.”

There was silence and stillness in the room for a very long time, not a sound except for occasional sniffling from Roman. And then, the creative side fully launched himself into Janus’ arms, letting his sorrow carry him as he melted into Janus’ secure, but gentle hold, sobbing into his shoulder and letting Janus support his weight, trusting him to keep him upright.

“My baby…my sweet baby,” Janus whispered, “You’ve been hurting for a long time, haven’t you?”

Roman couldn’t speak. He couldn’t act, he couldn’t ask for more than this. For so long, he had been trying to act more mature, so he could be taken more seriously. But it felt so good to just cry, and be a child again, even if just for a moment. Janus seemed to innately know that Roman needed this. Maybe Janus cared more than Roman thought.

[bastard-aziraphale]

since this AU hinges on the relationship between the twins i really wanted to complete a drawing of them together !! ft. the first time they tried hanging out together at college, with janus as a chaperone 

[fangirlwriting-stories]

Protector

Chapter One

Chapter Thirty-Seven:

Janus woke up with a splitting headache that almost felt worse than the hole in his chest.

He groaned and pushed himself up, dropping his head in his hands and rubbing at his face.

Well, today was the backup to his pushed back deadline.  He had to get out of his room sometime today.  He’d have to find a way to deal with everyone’s hatred.  He’d made Virgil and Remus put up with it for long enough, after all, and turnabout’s fair play.

And if Remus was right and Virgil really would be worried about him if he stayed in his room all day, then Janus wanted him to be focusing on anything else but that.  He deserved a chance to recover.  Besides, he could give Virgil plenty of space outside his room too.

Janus checked on Thomas in the corner of his mind as he climbed out of bed.  Not any better than he was yesterday, not that that was a surprise.  He wouldn’t really get better until Virgil returned.

Or, well, maybe that wasn’t entirely true.  Thomas wasn’t really good, obviously.  But he didn’t seem to be having breakdowns while smiling anymore, which was a definite plus.

He must have the others to thank for that.  Janus was glad they were fixing things.  Just because they weren’t going to be his family anymore didn’t mean he didn’t love them dearly.  He’d just have to want good things for them from a distance.  It would be fine.

Janus looked around his room, trying to find some excuse to hang out here for another couple hours.  He’d be a lousy Deceit if he didn’t try and put off the inevitable for as long as possible.

Janus winced.

He was a lousy Deceit.

Well then.

Janus took a deep breath, snapped his clothes on because he was still feeling lazy, and walked over to his door.  He took one more deep breath and pulled it open.

He was met with the surprised face of Patton who had held his hand up to knock, now just hanging in midair.  Behind him were Roman and Logan, looking just as surprised.

For a good ten seconds, all of them just stared at each other.

Finally, Patton seemed to come to his senses with a jerk.

“Janus!  Here, this—” he reached into a pocket and pulled something out.  “This is for you!”  He shoved a piece of paper at Janus’ chest, and Janus took it without getting a chance to really look at it.

He swallowed.  “Okay.  I’ll look at it later, if that’s okay,” he said, not surprised at how scratchy his voice came out.  It had been a while since he’d talked.

“I— I think you should look at it now, Janus,” Roman said.

Janus squeezed his eyes shut.  “Do we have to do this now?”

“We do,” Logan said firmly.

Janus sighed, and looked down at the paper.

He honestly hadn’t been sure what it would be.  Maybe some kind of list of demands, or new boundaries they hadn’t wanted to say to his face.

He hadn’t expected a simple card.  The front read “Ur Fam” and Janus opened it to find “ILY” written on one side and the four of them drawn on the other.

He looked up, trying to hide any emotion from coming through on his face.  “What is this?”

“We just wanted to make something to make you feel better, kiddo,” Patton said.

“Why.”

“Janus,” Roman said softly.

“Honestly, just go,” Janus said, crossing his arms.  “I don’t want to try and have this conversation, okay?  We all know what’s going to happen.”

“We don’t know that, Janus,” Logan said.  “It is impossible to know the outcome of events that have not taken place.”

“And yet the impossible is occurring,” Janus said with a cool glare, leaning against his doorframe.  “Please don’t patronize me.  Just go and do what you wanted to before you came here.”

“Janus,” Roman said, stepping forward and crossing his arms.  “This is exactly where we all want to be.”

Janus gripped the side of the doorframe.  “Don’t lie to me, Roman.”

“He’s not lying, Janus,” Patton said.  “Could you please just hear us out?”

Janus didn’t say anything for a moment.  He wasn’t exactly thrilled at the idea of talking with them all only to be inevitably disappointed when it went exactly how he expected it to go.  But he probably owed them something of an explanation.  And if this was going to have to happen eventually, it was probably better to get it all out of the way.

Janus sighed, long and exhausted.  “Fine.”

He stepped back inside his room and walked over to lean back against his desk, letting the other three walk in.  Logan came through last and closed the door behind them.

“What do you want to know then?” Janus asked, looking tiredly up at them.

“We’re not here to interrogate you, Janus,” Logan said.

“Then what do you want?” Janus asked, looking up at the ceiling.

“We’re here to check on you, kiddo,” Patton said softly.  “We figured you’re probably not doing too good.”

“You don’t need to worry about it,” Janus snapped.  “I’ll be fine.”

“Falsehood,” Logan said, raising an eyebrow.

“I will be fine,” Janus insisted.

“That is not what I was referring to, though I doubt that is true either.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Of course we need to worry about it,” Logan said.  “You’re our family, Janus.”

Janus tensed.

“And that’s why we’re here too,” Roman said.  “To make sure you know we’re not going to get rid of you just because you made a few mistakes.”

Janus grit his teeth.  “Well, I didn’t realize you were all so exceedingly stupid then,” he hissed.

“Janus,” Patton said.  “Stop it.”

“I did not make a few mistakes,” Janus said.  “I made many large mistakes.  Mistakes that badly harmed other sides and Thomas.”

“And ostracizing you would not remedy those mistakes,” Logan said, raising an eyebrow.  “It would actually be quite a bad idea.  It has not seemed to be successful in the past.”

“You misunderstand, Logan, that’s just a reason to get rid of the problem entirely,” Janus said, spreading his arms.

“You’re not a problem, Janus,” Patton said.

“Well I’m a failure then,” Janus said.  “And it seems that it would be a much better idea to simply get rid of failures entirely.”

“You are not a failure,” Roman said firmly.

“Yes I am.”

“Janus—”

“Please do not twist facts just to make me feel better, Roman,” Janus said.  “I am a failure.  I failed to protect Anxiety and Remus, I failed to protect Thomas, and I failed to properly guard the others.”

“How does that make you a failure?” Logan asked.  “I thought that part of your job was only to assess whether Thomas was ready to meet the others.”

“Yes, you thought that because I lied to you about it,” Janus snapped.  “But I suppose I also lied to you about my function as a whole, so I guess I did part of my job alright.”

Well, maybe he shouldn’t have said that, because now everyone was staring at him.  Or maybe he should have said that.  Maybe this was how he got them to leave.

“Did I not mention that?” Janus said, rolling his eyes and trying to act like he didn’t care.  “My original function was Deceit.  I figured none of the core sides would really like having a side like that around, so I lied about it.  Seems rather fitting.”

Patton made a wounded noise, which Janus was going to pretend didn’t sting.  “You lied about it for fifteen years?”

“Yes, because I’m not a good side to have around,” Janus said.  “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.  I lied about that and I lied about what my job was and then I tried to cover up all of those lies when Anxiety and Remus came here.  And all of that caused all of this.  So why don’t you all get rid of me and be better off for it?”

Patton took a couple steps across the room and wrapped his arms around Janus with no warning.  Janus stiffened in surprise, but Patton just squeezed him tighter.

“Janus,” he said.  “Didn’t you know we love you for you?”

Janus scoffed and pushed Patton off of him.  “Oh stop it,” he said.  “How naive do you think I am?”

“Janus you moron, you’re our family, not someone we’re interviewing to hire,” Roman snapped.

“Roman is correct,” Logan said.  “You are not going to drive us away by telling us that your job is different from what we’ve thought.”

“I can’t drive you away by lying to you for as long as I’ve known you?  What would it take, then?” Janus asked, rolling his eyes.

“A lot worse than anything you’ve done,” Roman said plainly.

Janus scoffed.  “Get out.”

“Do you think we’re lying to you?” Logan said, raising an eyebrow.

“Of course you are.  You can’t forgive me just like that.”

“And why is that?” Patton asked, putting his hands on his hips.

“I’ve done despicable things.  I don’t deserve it.”

“It’s not about deserve, Janus,” Roman said.  “And you can’t decide that for us.”

Janus looked between the three of them.  “Try me.”

“Excuse me?” Logan said.

“I said try me,” Janus said, and he reached out and shoved all three of them from his room.  He heard the beginnings of Patton crying “Wait!” before they were all gone.

Then he sat down at his desk and put his head in his hands.

…

Janus felt it when Virgil came back.  Thankfully, he was holding up Remus’ end of the bargain, and he was down in the kitchen when it happened making something to eat.  He did imagine Remus hadn’t exactly been suggesting that Janus sneak out in the middle of the night to do everything.  But Janus was going to keep his room firmly locked unless some unforeseen circumstance happened, like Remus or Virgil or Thomas needed him.  For some reason.

He did head up and look for Remus for this one reason, though.  He imagined Remus would forgive him, just this once.

Janus knocked on his door, and it was less than two seconds later that Remus had opened his door and was glaring at him.

“I thought I told you—”

“Virgil’s back,” Janus said, pointing at the door right next to them.

Remus froze, and for a second Janus was almost sure he imagined a look of terror that flashed across his face.

“Remus?”

“Did I say you could speak?” Remus snapped, but his voice was shaking, and so were his hands, and now he was backing into his room and leaving the door wide open.

Well.  This was a terrible idea.

“Remus, what’s wrong?” Janus asked, pushing the door open further as he walked into the room.

Remus shook his head, turning around to face away from Janus.  “Can’t go see him,” he said, burying his hands in his hair and pulling again.

“Don’t do that,” Janus said, walking forward and pulling them down.

“I said don’t touch me!” Remus screamed, smacking Janus’ hand away.

“Why can’t you go see Virgil?” Janus asked, lowering his hands.

“It was my idea,” Remus said, turning and sitting down against the desk and burying his head in his hands.  “The nails.  It was my idea.  Gave it to Malice when I was bored.”

Janus clenched his hands past the wave of guilt that hit him in the next second.

Get out of your own head.  This isn’t about you right now.

“Okay,” Janus said slowly, trying to keep his voice even as he sat down across from Remus.  “What does that have to do with going to see Virgil?”

Remus looked up at Janus like he was an idiot, and Janus took a minute to analyze Remus’ face, and found the guilt he saw in the mirror.

“Oh, Remus,” Janus said gently.  “It isn’t your fault.”

“Shut up, you don’t know anything,” Remus snapped, burying his head in his knees this time.

“I do know that it isn’t your fault, Remus,” Janus said softly.  “That’s too much to put on yourself.  You can’t be held responsible for things that Malice did to Virgil.”

“But it was my idea,” Remus insisted.  “I gave it to him.”

“Oh, and of course if you hadn’t done that, Malice would have had a complete change of heart and decided not to hurt Virgil at all.  Right, that’s what would have happened.”

“Virgil wouldn’t have wanted to die,” Remus whispered.  “He would be here.”

“Virgil is here right now,” Janus said softly.  “I imagine if you wake him up he’ll be very happy to see you.”

“Or he could hate me because I hurt him,” Remus said, starting to rock back and forth.  “And then the only person I’ve ever had would hate me and I’d be totally alone and no one would ever want me ever again—”

“Remus,” Janus said.  He reached out and put a hand on Remus’ knee, and Remus jerked upright and stopped rocking.

“Don’t touch me!  I told you don’t touch me!”

“I’m sorry,” Janus said, backing up.  “I’m sorry, I was trying to help ground you.”

Remus hissed and buried his head in his arms again.

“Remus, please listen,” Janus said.  “I know I’m not exactly your favorite side, but I’m who’s here right now, and you need to listen.  You’re going to have a panic attack.”

“Fuck you,” Remus snapped weakly.

“Remus please, please look at me.”

There was a long pause, and then Remus slowly pulled his head up and looked at Janus.

“It is absolutely not, in no way, not in the slightest your fault,” Janus said.  “No one is going to blame you.  Especially not Virgil.”

“How do you know?” Remus said, glaring away, though he sounded more hesitant.  “You don’t know anything about me and Virgil.”

Janus winced, but pushed the guilt firmly aside.  “Remus, if Virgil can forgive the rest of the core sides, which a lot of his behavior seems to demonstrate he’s done, I doubt he’s even slightly mad at you.”

Remus hesitated, but that seemed to get through to him.

“Will you come see him, at least?  I bet he’s ready to be woken up after a week of being gone.”

Remus was quiet for another moment, then finally he nodded.  “Okay.”

Janus moved back and waited for Remus to stand up before he did the same, and then he followed Remus out into the hallway and to the next door.

Remus somehow managed to open the door completely silently, but then moved immediately across the room to Virgil’s bed and knelt down on it, and that was all it seemed to take for Virgil to shift and open his eyes.

And, thank Thomas, Janus had been spot on, because the second Virgil saw Remus he sighed in relief and reached up to pull him into a hug, with what looked like very weak arms too.

Virgil glanced over at the door and spotted Janus, which Janus took as his cue to go, and he turned and shut the door quietly after him.

He had one more thing to check before he went to hide back in his room, after all.  And he was pretty sure giving Virgil and Remus a moment was the right move.

…

“Thomas?” Janus murmured, quietly just in case he was asleep, but he doubted it.

Sure enough, Thomas was sitting up awake in bed.  He was also crying, which didn’t surprise Janus at all.  This couldn’t be a fun experience.

Thomas looked up at Janus as he appeared and wiped at his eyes.  “Hi Janus,” he said weakly.  “How are you doing?”

“I’m fine,” Janus lied instantly, moving to sit on the bed next to Thomas.  “I’m here for you right now.”

“It feels like Anxiety’s back,” Thomas said, rubbing at his chest.

“He is,” Janus confirmed.  “Are you feeling better?”

“Define ‘better.’”

“Fair enough,” Janus said with a sad smile.

“Are you okay?” Thomas asked again.

Janus clenched his hands together behind his back.  “I said I’m alright, Thomas,” he said.

“Are you sure?”

“Why… are you still asking?” Janus said, squeezing his hands together tighter.

Thomas stared at him.  “Because your entire world just got flipped on its head, Janus,” he said.  “Because I would be devastated and you’re part of me, and because I’m not okay.”

“Well that’s why I’m here,” Janus said, hoping Thomas would just take the hint.  “What can I do to help?”

Thomas took a deep breath and wiped at his eyes.  “I think I’d like a hug, Janus,” he said, giving Janus a knowing look that Janus did not like.

Janus tensed.  “What else can I do?”

“Why don’t you want to do that?”

Janus bit his lip.  “No reason in particular.  I just think—”

“Is it because you’d like a hug too?”

Janus scoffed and crossed his arms.  “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“The others came to talk to me, you know.”

Janus swallowed.  “Ah.  I’m sure they exaggerated.”

“Oh, did they really?”

“Thomas, I’m trying to help you.”

“Janus.  I want you to listen to me now please.”

Janus cursed his inability to deny Thomas something he wanted and sat back, glaring down at the blankets.

“Are you trying to push everyone away?” Thomas asked.

“I don’t understand why they wouldn’t want me to,” Janus muttered.

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

“So what if I am?  Why would you care?  Why wouldn’t you want me to?”

“Janus,” Thomas said, a pained look in his eyes.  “No one hates you.”

“Remus does,” Janus pointed out.

“Remus is different.”

“If you’re trying to say Remus and Anxiety are allowed to hate me then just say it.”

Thomas sighed.  “Fine.  Yes, Remus and Anxiety are probably allowed to hate you.  But that doesn’t mean everyone does, and trying to push everyone away is just going to create more problems, Janus.”

“I already did that,” Janus snapped, pushing himself to a standing position.  “I don’t understand why you think you can prevent more problems by keeping me around!  Clearly I cause them!  I’m trying to fix it for you!  I’m trying to make up for the problems I caused!”

Thomas was quiet for a long moment, to the point where Janus stopped breathing heavily and started to worry.

“Thomas?”

“Janus,” Thomas said quietly.  “To me it just seems like you’re trying to punish yourself.”

Janus didn’t have a clue what to say.

“I— I’m not—”

“You know that’s not a helpful reaction, right?”

“I—” Janus pulled his hat off so he could hold it to hide the way his hands were shaking.  “Thomas, you— you don’t understand.  They— I left them there.”

Thomas nodded.  “Yes.”

“Why aren’t you angry with me?  Why aren’t you screaming at me?”

Thomas gave Janus a pained look.  “Could I say anything that would make you feel worse than you already do?”

“I—” Janus’ legs were shaking.  “I—”

“Janus,” Thomas stood up and walked over to him, and held out his arms.  “Come here.”

“No.”

But Thomas didn’t move, and Janus was pretty sure he was about to collapse, and he couldn’t think of a better place to do it than in between Thomas’ arms.

And he always had been selfish.

Thomas ran his hands through Janus’ hair, and before long Janus was pretty sure they were both crying, though he doubted Thomas could match the heaving sobs Janus was choking out.

Thomas made quiet shushing noises, and Janus hated how much they made him feel better.

“It’s going to be alright,” Thomas murmured.

“Thomas,” Janus managed.  “They’re my boys.  I left my boys.”

There wasn’t a good response to that and they both knew it, so instead Thomas just shushed him again and kept running his hands through his hair.

“Do you know why the others came to talk to me?” Thomas said after a minute.  “They said they were worried you were going to succeed in isolating yourself.  I— I didn’t really care then, because I couldn’t, but I do now.”

“Why,” Janus said.  His voice sounded like he’d dragged sandpaper over his throat.

“None of us hate you, Janus.”

“I do,” Janus muttered, half on purpose.

Thomas made a wounded noise and tightened his grip.

“Please let us help you,” Thomas whispered.

“I’m supposed to help you, Thomas.”

“You’re part of me,” Thomas said.  “I want to help you Janus, please.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you idiot,” Thomas said.  “We all do.”

Janus shook his head, but didn’t say anything.

“Are you going to keep trying to push us all away?” Thomas asked.

Janus didn’t say anything.

“Janus?  Are you going to stop hurting yourself?”

Janus just ducked his head down further.

“Please, Janus.  I don’t want to see you hurt.”

Oh, now that was just mean.

“I’ll try,” Janus whispered.

All of the tension rushed out of Thomas’ body at once, and he sighed in relief and pulled Janus closer.

“Promise you’ll talk to the others?”

“Don’t push it, Sanders.”

Thomas gave a displeased huff, but left it there for now.  And for a long while after, the two of them stayed there together.

...

Chapter Thirty-Eight

[mimssides]

"I Wish I Could Believe You"

Prompt from @lost-in-thought-20: one of the Sides has overworked themselves. The other goes to check up on them and tries to get the overworked Side to swear not to do it again.

Link to the story on AO3 | Masterpost | Taglist

___

It takes a liar to know a liar.

It takes someone who likes working hard and well to recognise when someone forgot why they liked their work in the first place.

It takes a perfectionist to recognise when someone’s critiquing only becomes a stalling technique.

So, this turn of events doesn’t surprise him. Maybe he should have picked up on it a little quicker but he has needed time after the wedding to compress and figure out what to do next. Everything until that point has been so rushed . Everybody has been on edge and tried to not piss anyone else off, which in did piss everybody off even more.

He has decided to hold his cards close to the chest for once and just didn’t say too much. He started to think. And he found a few things in his thoughts. One was that he shouldn’t have rushed into that debate after the wedding. That he shouldn’t have jumped the gun and let things escalate the way they did.

That the insults between him and the other most dramatic side should never have been taken as seriously as the were. He shouldn’t have said his half and he shouldn’t have gotten so upset about the words that were thrown at him.

But he also realised one more thing: that it was over now. Now all things are said and done and for once in his life he stands with both feet right on the ground. Yes, it is a setback, yes, it hurts, yes, it is hard. But it is also the clearest he’s felt in years. Finally, he knows what the doesn’t want and what Thomas might need.

He’s at the bottom and he’s working his way back up. He doesn’t show it to the others yet. He doesn’t interact much with Patton, gets along with others better and lets them believe he was still upset with Patton for everything that has happened.

Is it fair, one asks? No, it is not, he’d answer if someone would ask. But it is also not fair how Patton got away with a lot of shit only because no one dared to talk back to him. Himself included. He should have spoken up sooner but alas. The past can’t be changed and finally he feels ready to move on forward.

And in that task he starts to watch everyone a bit closer. Observe a little better, listen a tiny bit harder. And my, it makes all the difference. He’s starting to understand where everything went bad, to see how they made each other and in addition Thomas miserable. He sees how the original “light” sides played each other in a corner, three edges of a triangle, all opposed, all too extreme for each other, eradicating nuance and moderation between them over decades and decades of living together. He sees how the original “dark” sides fall out more and more with each other. He sees that their bond, forged by exclusion and otherness, was breaking bit by bit, as they all are pulled into more and more different directions.

And then of course he notices him. He sees the subtleness of his suave comments. The way he forces himself to make it seem like nothing of it affects him all. He sees the lingering looks he believes to be hidden. He sees the longing of connection, of something true and stable.

He isn’t sure how he should approach him. There are a few opportunities as of late; after the first meeting with Nico, the little song he shared with Patton. He takes none of them.

In the end, it is a normal afternoon when it happens. He goes down to the living room in the search for a snack when he sees him sitting at the table. His hair is messy, face close to a paper, which was laying on the table. Virgil is holed up in his room, Patton and Logan stuck in the Library of Thomas’ Memory reorganizing the latest short time experiences, Remus creating chaos and anarchy in the Imagination. And he himself is supposed to work on the next script. So, no one should be here. He should be alone and free to worry about his work and be allowed to not focus on the mask he has put up around all of them.

But well, things don’t always go as planned, he thinks with a smirk and saunters over to the table and pulls out the chair in front of the other side.

Gold glints in his eyes as he looks up in shock. He has not expected him and tries to recover the mask but he doesn’t let him. He reaches for he paper in front of him and takes it. Lazily he looks over the words, sees that it is a schedule he must be review for Logan and raises his eyebrow.

“So Logan wants your help with scheduling?” he asks.

The other hisses and grabs the schedule back from him. Then the mask slowly slips back on, the face turning into the slight annoyed and bored expression it always carried and he looks at his gloved fingers.

“And naturally that is any of your business because...?” he says with lazy snarl.

He laughes. The others eyes dart over his face. He knows that he cannot read him. He knows his mask has been better than his.

“Deceit, honey,” Roman hums and leans his head on his had as he sets his elbow on the table, “I thought you were smarter than this.”

Panic sets in. Roman knows Janus cannot flee but he sees that he sure as hell wants to flee.

“Don’t you think about it.”

With a gulp the other replies: “I wouldn’t know what you mean.”

Roman sighs. He looks at Janus’ hands and then back up to the snake. Something changes. Roman can see that suddenly something changes in Janus’ perception of him and he knows he has a chance to finally make a change.

“It’s time for a break.”

He says it and scenes of Janus standing with Patton in the kitchen as the cook and clean the dishes, Janus picking up Virgil’s shoes and putting them away, Janus laying out Logan’s notpad and favourite pen on the kitchen table before the latter gets to his brainstorm session, Janus catching one of Remus’ knives from another Rube-Goldberg-Machine he’s building, play in front of his eye.

Janus hesitates.

“I took one only thirty minutes ago,” he says.

“I wish I could believe you.”

“Pardon me?”

“What time is it now?”

Janus hesitates again. Roman’s features soften. He can wait. He’s become quite good at waiting lately and he doesn’t mind to prove that to Janus now.

It is enough. Janus answers.

“It is 11.”

Roman knows his expression gets even softer. Janus blinks. He realises his mistake and his thoughts shuffle. Roman stops them as he stretches his hand out.

“It’s 2.30,” Roman says very, very gently.

He looks at him and closes his eyes with a smile when he finally puts his hand in his.

“There we go,” he whispers and lets his warmth seep into Janus body. “Let’s go to my room. I’ve got a nice relaxing bath ready for you, your snakiness.”

“Do you now?”

There is mirth in Janus voice.

“I do indeed,” Roman laughs and pulls the pliant snake up to his feet.

Something in his chest hammers hard and he catches Janus’ snake eye. It is dilated and curious on him. He thinks about the mistakes he made. About the pile he’s amassed over the years and years, the insults and jabs he would never be able to take back.

He thinks about the way he has pained him for years and years without thinking twice about it.

“We’re both familiar with failure,” it comes suddenly from Janus.

Roman glimpses over his shoulder to him. He stares at the floor. Maybe a tinge of regret on the blush of his human cheek.

“We both haven’t learnt from our mistakes. We certainly can’t move on.”

And at once Roman’s chest feels light. He inhales. And for once it reaches his lungs, his belly, his veins, his feet. And he smiles.

He genuinely smiles.

“We can. I think we can-” he pulls him closer and begins to sink them both into his room - “Janus.”

___

Taglist:

@vexelore

@exhaustedfander

@alexisrealgay

@wolfs-feder

@just-a-neoclassical-painting

@winter-jay-official

@a-ghostlight-for-roman

@mychemically-imbalanced-romance

@whattheremus

@regalredrose

@spellingwillbethedeathofme

@sarenicide

[thatgenderlessentity]

Janus- Roman, what's with the face? Look around. Everybody's here.

Roman- Yeah, I know. I just... I know I'm missing something. What am I forgetting? Me. Me. I'm forgetting Me. I... I should've been in hair and makeup. Definitely an outfit change.

Janus- Who cares? Look what's happening tonight is special. Be in the moment, here, now.

Source: DC's Legends of Tomorrow

[loganslowdown4]

Roman: Hey Janus, come over here-

*Janus walks over*

Roman: *whispering* I’m going to steal all the cookies and blame it on you. Who’s gonna believe a liar?

Janus: Darling if you do, I will bite you. And believe me, you do not want to find out if I actually have venom in these fangs or not—

Roman:

Roman: Ok fine, do you want to steal cookies with me and blame it on my brother?

Janus: Now you’re speaking my language—

[ssslimyboy]

Janus: Are you a newspaper?

Roman: No, why?

Janus: Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day

[dukeyeatsdeodorant]

Roman: I'm not doing to well.

Remus: What's wrong?

Roman: I have this headache that comes and goes.

Janus enters the room

Roman: There it is again.

[just-a-little-anxious]

Roman: "It's so weird being engaged now. Like, it's truly starting to hit me that I'm really not going to die alone! No offense."

Janus: "None taken."

Janus: "Until you said 'no offense'."

[moondeew]

my uh- DRLAMP relationship headcanons-

it’s complicated

Don’t ask how mociet are divorced and married at the same time they just are

[ethan-torchios-bitch]

virgil: fuck the dark sides

logan: already did

roman: i second that

logan + roman: *high five*

virgil:

virgil: what