ssslimyboy

[ssslimyboy]

Logan: I assume you realize that this level of idiocy will not be tolerated in this house.

Remus: Can you recommend a level of idiocy that will?

[ssslimyboy]

Remus, on the phone: Uh... hey, Janus, I, uh, I've been stabbed.

Virgil: WHAT? WHERE ARE YOU?

Remus: Wait— you aren't Janus. Sorry, I didn't mean to call you—

Virgil: NO, WHERE ARE YOU? I'M COMING THERE. I'M NOT GOING TO LEAVE SOMEONE ALONE WHO'S BEEN STABBED.

[ssslimyboy]

Janus to Remus: I would just ask that you stop sending me selfies of these crime scenes, because it's been making my life really complicated.

[ssslimyboy]

Virgil: I hate myself.

Patton: Noo! Don't say that! You're amazing!

Virgil: Listen, you already have enough love in your system for the both of us.

Virgil: Let me continue with my self-loathing.

[ssslimyboy]

Janus: Vampires are fairly scary when you think about it. Imagine someone sucking on your neck and drawing away your blood.

Remus: You don't mind it when I suck on your neck.

Janus: Well, that's because you don't drink my blood.

Virgil, trying to watch Dracula on the couch next to them: Just ONE evening without them referencing their sex life. That's all I wanted.

[ssslimyboy]

I'm gonna mix a can of Red Bull with seventeen shots of espresso in a fishbowl and then chug it while Kids by MGMT plays in the background so I can perceive twenty-three spatial dimensions and fight my own soul.

— Virgil

[ssslimyboy]

Patton: What happened to your fingers?? They're covered in bandaids!

Remus: You know those chefs on TV who cut up their vegetables really fast?

Patton, already knowing where this is going: Yeah...

Remus, pouting: Well, turns out I can't do that.

[ssslimyboy]

Remus: So you like cats?

Patton: Yeah.

Remus: *tries to impress him by slowly pushing a glass off the table*

[ssslimyboy]

Virgil: Thought I was meowing back at my cat for the past hour, but turns out it was just me and Patton meowing at each other from different rooms in the house.

[ssslimyboy]

Roman: Okay, before you say no—

Logan: No.

Roman: But I haven't even told you yet!

Logan: I'm sticking with no.

[ssslimyboy]

Patton: HYDRATE OR DIE-DRATE!!!

Thomas: What's up with Patton?

Logan: He's trying to yell mental health and well-being into us.

Patton: I APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU!!!

Roman, teary: ... It's working.

[ssslimyboy]

Janus: Wish I lacked critical thinking skills, you all seem so happy.

[ssslimyboy]

Janus: You can answer almost anything with "not since the accident."

Logan: Actually, you can't.

Virgil: Not since the accident.

[ssslimyboy]

Janus: Congrats, you three just won gold, silver, and bronze in the moronlympics.

Roman:

Remus:

Virgil:

Roman: Who won gold?

[ssslimyboy]

Virgil: How petty can you get?

Roman: I once edited a Wikipedia article to win an argument I was wrong about.

[ssslimyboy]

Virgil: Do you sell Happy Meals?

McDonalds employee: We do.

Virgil: Yeah, can I get just the Happy, without the Meal?

Employee:

Virgil: please

[ssslimyboy]

Remus: Did you know spiders can hold 8 guns at once?

Thomas: How does it WALK?

Remus: Did you know spiders can hold 7 guns at once?