#anyway. it means a lot. even if its not entirely sincere

[doctorweebmd]

i think one of the most inspiring/ego boosting things in the world is when i'm reading a fanfic and some of the characterization/phrasing/layout seems familiar and then at the end i see a shout-out to me or my work. or seeing someone say they started writing, or drawing, or something else because of something i wrote. like.

just the thought of having inspired anyone in real life... and that person going on to inspire others and to grow their craft and get joy from it... like this endless spiders web of interconnecting hearts, where lives were changed because of something so so simple as a story posted for strangers online...

... it just feels so direct and powerful. like, against all odds, i've touched people's lives that i will never speak to, never meet. it gives my life so much meaning. makes it feel like there's a place for me in this world, ya know?

[oikasugayama]

what about a bsd chart for falling in love?

i can't help falling in love with you

Dazai is prone to falling in love at first sight. He sees a pretty girl, or a handsome guy, and does everything in his power to get their attention. It's different when you come along, though. You fly under his radar for a while; it's not that you're not his type, it's that he doesn't realize it at first. As he gets to know you he realizes more and more how much he likes talking to you; how attractive he thinks you are; how much he relishes in your attention. You know his reputation and try to steer clear of his charms, but you're not entirely successful. You vow not to tell him, though, because you don't want to get your heart broken. That makes the surprise of his confession all the more potent. It's proper, it's sincere, and it's real.

Akutagawa is more surprised than you are when he confesses. Love isn't something he thought he'd have the pleasure of experiencing. His life has been difficult, its been deadly, and its been dark, but meeting Atsushi made him more thoughtful and less violent, and then when he met you he felt like he was experiencing something brand new. It was exciting. It was confusing. It was beautiful. You liked him as well, of course, but you vowed not to tell him because you didn't think he had romantic interests and you didn't want to make him pull away from the little friendship you had developed. His confession is a pleasant surprise.

Poe falls in love easily. All it takes is someone being nice to him and showing interest in his writing, and he's done for. For you to regularly read his stories and genuinely praise and critique them, and for you to enjoy spending time with him even if it's spent doing nothing--it means the world to him. He confesses to you via poetry. He writes you a lovely dramatic poem about a lonely man who meets a person who brightens his world. It's obvious it's about you--his nervousness and shaking hands gives it away. You're so excited. You liked him too, a lot, but weren't sure if you should tell him yet. You're glad he took the decision out of your hands.

Nikolai and Fyodor are similar when it comes to love. They are best friends, after all (according to Nikolai anyway). They have a philosophy that some think is... wrong or outdated, but it works for them when they want to get you. It goes like this: they see you, they want you, they get you. Literally. Either of them would lure you in and capture you. He'll explain his grand love for you, and even if you escape, he'll find you again and again. He'll wear you down until you love him or it kills you. Whichever comes first.

Sigma, having only recently become a person, doesn't know what extreme emotions feel like. When he starts to fall in love with you, he thinks he's sick or dying because of the way his heart rate increases, and the way he gets shaky and nervous when you come around. He thinks you may be using an ability on him. He doesn't confront you right away, because he really doesn't want to think you'd hurt him--he really, really likes you otherwise. You're so kind and thoughtful and helpful. You don't use him and leave him like others in his life. Once he finally realizes that he's in love with you, it weighs heavily on his mind and stays there. Should he tell you? Do you feel the same? He needs to think on it a while longer...

Oda falls in love with someone very sweet and gentle. The world is a disturbing place with awful things happening every day, and you aren't nearly as aware of that as he is, and he wants to keep it that way. He wants to protect you. To take care of you. To provide for you. He knows he wont be able to do these things without connecting you to the dark part of the world that he works in, so he refrains from confessing. It's the best way to keep you safe. When you confess to him, though, he doesn't have the self-restraint to deny you. He warns you of the dangers, but tells you he wants out, and he'll get out for you. He makes a plan and you're part of it.

Atsushi having had such a dark and violent childhood is a late bloomer when it comes to love. All the other kids in the orphanage were basically his siblings, and he went straight to the ADA after leaving there, so until you come along he's never really had a crush on any real life person. He's thought people were pretty, sure, but that feeling was nothing compared to how his heart races and his knees wobble and his mouth wont cooperate with his brain any time you're around. It becomes extremely obvious to everyone that he has feelings for you, including you after a certain point, and you just think he's so damn sweet. You ask him out finally when you realize he likely wont ever be brave enough to ask you first. He nearly faints he's so excited, and nervous, when you bring it up.

Junichiro falls for someone soft and sweet and nervous after his previous relationship ends. He liked dating people bolder than him, but after a certain point it became too exhausting keeping up with that type of person please for the love of god don't tell everyone you're his sister like Naomi did. When he starts to fall for you, he's very upfront. He tells you he thinks he's falling, and you tell him back. He says he'll keep you updated after he has more time to think about it, and you say the same. You end up spending more and more time together, slowly creating an orbit around the two of you, making a space in your lives for each other. It happens so gradually and so on-pace with one another that it feels completely natural being with him.

Bram may not be the first to fall in love, but he does tell you he intends to court you before you ever reveal your feelings to him. He thinks you're pretty, and he likes when you're around, and you seem to like coming around since you're with him a lot, so he very casually tells you he would like to court you and you very happily accept his offer. He very, very quickly realizes you're something precious and special when he starts thinking about you romantically, and not long after beginning to date he tells you his feelings are very deep. It's a shock but a definite win for you.

Tachihara definitely thinks you're hot and he can tell that you like him--those Hunting Dog instincts and modifications are pretty handy--but he doesn't consider his own feelings for a long time. He leads you on, in fact, giving you attention to make you fawn over him, and then he acts cool like nothing happened, brushing you off and not making plans with you. When you try to move on, stop giving him attention, try to find someone else who's interested in you, he notices, and he hates it. It occurs to him then that he's jealous and he realizes aw fuck, I've gotta tell them how I feel.

Mushitaro is so prim and proper and charismatic--it's hard not to fall for him. You're friends for a long time without thinking much of him, but eventually one day you just realize and it starts bugging you. You may try to distance yourself to see if the feelings will go away, but they wont. While you're distant he misses you desperately and starts to puzzle together his own feelings. Eventually he comes to your house and confesses on your doorstep, saying he misses you and he cares about you so much and he at least needs to know why you're ignoring him. It feels dramatic and straight out of a rom-com.

Ranpo, as I've said before, knows as soon as you do, maybe even sooner, that you have feelings for him. Yours definitely develop before his, but he picks up on it quickly and decides that he wants to date you to see where it goes, and he makes the decision to stay with you long-term after only a couple of dates. There's no confession on your part given that he just knows, but from him the confession is sweet while still being matter-of-fact. "I've fallen for you, as I knew I would. Let's keep dating until we're sick of each other, 'kay?"

Mori lives a double life and you have no idea. If you knew he was the head of the Port Mafia there's no fucking way in hell you ever would have talked to him or gotten to know him or fallen for him or confessed to him, but you didn't know that. To you, Mori was the handsome man in a doctor's coat who came into your store every week. He chatted with you more and more each time he came in, and finally you were brave enough to give him your number, to text him, to ask him out to coffee. He say yes every time, going along with it, and only after you'd been casually dating for some time did he tell you who he really is and well, fuck, you were just about to tell him you were in love with him, so you've both got bombs to drop tonight.

Chuuya plays it so cool that you don't assume he has any sort of romantic feeling for you, but your mind is completely hung up on him to the point of you thinking that you need to be rejected already so you can move on. You tell him as much when you confess, trying to play it off as a joke when you say "dude, I think you're really hot, can you reject me so I'll stop wondering if I have a chance?" He laughs, smirks, and says "I don't think I will, actually. I'll take you to dinner tonight instead." You're flustered, unsure if he means it or not, but oh boy does he. The date goes really well, actually, and he asks to see you again, and scolds you for thinking he was out of your league. "I'm just a guy, I'm not that special."

Kunikida may seem high-strung, and yeah, he is, but there's something about him that just does it for you. Maybe it's that he's so responsible, maybe it's that he's incredibly kind and thoughtful, or maybe it's everything. You don't know, it's hard to explain, and explain you must because when you try to confess to him he asks you why and what did he do to deserve your attention? He ponders your confession for a few hours in private before he reaches out to you. You expect to be rejected, but he accepts your offer, saying you were a shock and he's trying to have a few more unexpected experiences.

Fukuzawa likes you as a person but refuses to acknowledge you romantically given your age gap. You have to confess before he'll think about you in that way. It doesn't go smoothly--you're very quickly but politely turned down. It doesn't make your crush go away, though, and you notice that Fukuzawa seems a bit skiddish around you. When you finally get fed up and ask him why he's been acting weird ever since you asked him out, he admits that he's been thinking about you a lot and thinks that maybe he made a hasty, incorrect choice the last time you spoke about this...

Ango may not be the first to fall in love in your relationship, but once he's in love he's obsessed with you. It all starts like any office romance with a new transfer from another department. He's told you're talented and promising, but he doesn't believe it until you start actually lightening his work load and making his job easier. When you start casually calling him cute and flirting with him, he doesn't know what to think. It's unprofessional, but it's also exciting and he doesn't exactly dislike the attention. When you're off the clock and ask him out on a proper date, he says yes with only minimal hesitation. It's the best decision he's ever made.

[etherati]

Belmont crest and colorrrrssss

I have a lot of thoughts and feels about the colors used in various versions of the Belmont crest in the netflix show, and how it fits into traditional heraldry. I have decided to make that everyone else's problem. So.

In Leon's portrait, we see him in a surcoat of white with the Belmont crest rendered in azure blue.

In traditional heraldry the "white" component of this would be synonymous with the metal silver/argent, as matte white was not a meaningful color choice and all colors had to be combined with a metal (silver or gold) rather than another color. Now, I know that in the Doylesian sense, this color choice was made because of Leon's original character design, which utilized different tradition imagery and had nothing to do with the Belmonts specifically:

But the text is what it is and the show gave us the first Belmont in an azure and argent version of the Belmon crest. Color meanings vary depending on your source, but azure typically referred to truth, loyalty, and unwavering morality. Morality is, of course, a construct--you can imagine that for the rebellious ex-church-knight Belmont it probably had some input from the bible but moreso was informed by his own oath--to "battle the night". Yeah, this gets made fun of--he's the dumbass who wants to fight an entire time of day--but we know what he means, ok. He's swearing to defend the daylight world against the things in the night that would harm it. He is defining his moral position going forward very specifically--he will uphold humanity and destroy that which would cause it harm. In a fic of mine he described it as representing the daylight sky, which given that he's a vampire in that fic carries even more poignancy, but even in the canon version it works, because that is the moral field he is aligning with.

Meanwhile argent/silver generally refers to purity, sincerity, and faith, which yeah, this is definitely a character who has purity of purpose. This combination of colors suits a vision of the Belmonts that served humanity unerringly, who had faith even when the church itself seemed flawed, who defined their morality by the divide between daylight and night and executed it with sincerity and dedication.

Fast forward to Trevor's time. The family has risen and fallen. At its height it was considered a great noble family--a warrior dynasty, as Alucard put it. Trevor's tunic and his armor both bear the crest in gold; once we're in the hold, we see that it's set against a deep burgundy in the official banners and standards. 

Why the change? What does it mean? Red is obvious--it's the warrior side of them, the military might, the weight of generations of fighters and all the blood they've spilt. It's the most common color in heraldry because conflict and war were themselves so common, but the Belmonts (to our knowledge) weren't besieging neighboring Lords' territories. They defined themselves by their fight against the creatures of the night, defined themselves to the point that they became The Fight. The warrior is the largest part of their identity. In the same fic I had Trevor say that the red represented family to him, like bloodlines, which is not the traditional meaning--but given that nothing defined his family or his relationship with them as much as The Fight, I still think he was onto something. Additionally, red can carry the meaning of sacrifice and martyrdom, which also fucking fits, unfortunately.

As for the gold, usually this refers to faithfulness, nobility, constancy, and glory. On its own, it's a statement of those qualities--particularly nobility and faithfulness. Combined with warrior's red, the glory piece of it starts to assert itself. A family of martyrs and warriors, noble and glorious--that's how they saw themselves, anyway. The family had gotten so far up its own ass that it cared more about perpetuating those ideals and standards than it necessarily did about the original purpose and duty of its existence! Eventually Trevor re-finds that purpose, when he drops the cloak in Gresit and re-dedicates himself to protecting the people--but it's worth noting that the crest he displays in that moment is gold alone, without a specific colored field. The version of the Belmonts that defined themselves by the amount of blood they'd shed are dead and buried, their flags tattered; the one who survived has taken their steadfastness, their faithfulness and constancy and nobility, and managed to reconnect it to what they always should have been.

Which brings us full circle, back to Leon's portrait--because there's another crest, there.

Azure and gold. All the steady dedication of a long standing nobility--much less fragile than one man's personal purity of purpose--applied to moral defense of humanity and the daylight world, rather than simply to fighting and glory for its own sake. There's a reason this is the color scheme I plan for Leon to end up in, in my fic-verse, and is the one that I think may have been in between the other two, chronologically. It conveys all the Belmonts are meant to be and do, without reducing them to simply violence. They fight, not for the fight's sake, but to protect the people they've sworn to protect.

Anyway. Yeah. Uh, colors!

[rifualk]

On Mental Health and Cosmic Embarrassment

I don't usually make a post in the aftermath of one of my spirals, so I bet most people see some of the vent posts I make, and assume I am just off my meds or something. I am on them but I might not be on the right ones. This is a thing that happens to me sometimes. I have psychotic episodes, where it feels like the things I am saying are completely inconsequential and I genuinely believe no one cares what I'm saying or, worst of all, that it cannot scare anyone that cares about me. I get too tired to fight my intrusive thoughts and I just ride them out. Most of my thoughts are not ones I enjoy having. I have trouble parsing what is real sometimes. For most of my life, out of a kind of primal shame and terror of being perceived or judged, I beat myself into believing that I just roleplayed as a crazy person online because I wanted attention for it, but it finally clicked for me at some point in my 20s that I was, and am, genuinely very mentally ill, maybe in ways that make me not-entirely-functional in the culture I inhabit. Also, I want attention for it.

Life is very embarrassing. I think embarrassment, shame, et al. is probably the most cosmic feeling of them all, because being embarrassed, for me anyway, leads invariably to my OCD extrapolating the embarrassment, no matter how slight, into its natural extreme, becoming a full-blown existential meltdown and often manifesting in some self-punishment. Or a lot of self-punishment. Instead of saying "everyone wants attention, it's not a big deal", my brain will overwhelm me with shame and make me vow to be quieter about the whole thing next time. Good emotions are meant to be expressed, I tell myself, and Bad ones are not. I think it's very unhealthy for people to not express their negative emotions openly. Or maybe I'm psychotic. I mean, I am psychotic. But maybe right now, too.

Ultimately this feeling peaks with the realization - again - that I'm a eukaryote. I live on a spinning ball of stardust in the aftermath of what had to have been a colossal disaster and waste of time. But it happened, and so now there's a bunch of stuff floating around, and some of that stuff started moving for reasons I don't personally understand and the implications of which scare me. And the moving stuff that moved faster got to stay moving longer. And so a chain reaction escalated, and eventually there were very large moving things whose survival adaptations had evolved in such a way that they could conceptualize and communicate complex information about the world around them, but they were also able to conceptualize themselves. This gave them a lot of grief. They wanted very badly for there to be an answer to why they were able to do that. Surely it served some purpose. But we never found one, and here we are.

I don't have a god to turn to. I have tried - earnestly, sincerely, and desperately - to reach out; I never hear back. I don't want to be an atheist, it's heartbreaking. Honestly. I want someone to be up there, or out there. Knowing there isn't, is just... cruel. It's horrifying and it wrenches my heart. Look at us, look how much we're suffering, where the fuck did you go, what the fuck is your problem? Help us!

In spite of everything, I am still not sure what I believe.

Don't you ever just cry about the world? Like, broadly? Don't you ever just have to take off your glasses and wipe the brine from them because you caught a glimpse of what people, as a species, could be capable of? And I get angry at myself, too. What am I doing about it? What even can I do? I can barely hold down a job. I am barely an adult. I am often mired in this feeling. It permeates everything. I'm living in a tragedy - not just my own, but millions and millions of others'. This is a nightmare. It's a nightmare and I'm an embarrassment, and my brain doesn't work right, and I'm living in a terrible reality that is shared by everyone, and yet somehow equally isolating and alienating to all of us. Does it have to be that way? Aren't we all lonely?

When I am spiraling I really do think that the end is near, either for me, or for everyone, or for both. To be fair, my confidence about humanity's future is not promising even when I am at my most sane. But in this kind of emotional place, the stakes are too high for me to care that what I say might come off as upsetting. It is completely overwhelming. I see my life up to this point, and I see how long I've been alive and realize I'm very Not Normal and I look and sound different than everyone around me and I'm an embarrassment. It's embarrassing to exist. It's embarrassing to be transgender, too. It's really, really embarrassing to be mentally ill and fully aware of it all the time. It's shameful. I am ashamed of how my family likely sees me. How my peers see me. I'm just a walking disaster. I feel like this bars me from leading a happy life or finding some success in art - It doesn't seem like you're allowed to be quite this much of a problem and "get away with it", does it? There's a bit of social sanitizing at work there - you are only allowed to be a certain level of messed up and if you pass that you're sort of a pariah. I don't think I've ever done anything pariah-worthy, but I can only see things from the inside of my own head, and there's a lot of unwanted noise in here.

I painted this when I lived in Oregon. I don't know how. I could not do art like this again if asked.

I'm not in a good place, generally-speaking. It could be worse - and it was for a long time- but it's still just not great. The main reason is that I am very homesick. I grew attached to the Pacific Northwest in a way I've never really grown attached to any other place. It had a quality that exists nowhere else. It resonated with me immediately and I knew right away from the moment I first set foot there that it was my home. I grew to be a part of it, and it's the only place I felt I somewhat-belonged... I have been away from Oregon for 2 whole years as of next month. I feel like I'm a fish out of water, or a sapling in the wrong soil. I can't and won't say that the place I live currently is a bad place, but it isn't my place, and the disconnect has been maybe the nastiest shock to my system in all my life. Finding the place I loved, and living for over 12 years there, only to be wrenched away from it so suddenly, left a shock on me that I think has yet to surface in my work. I'm excited to see what form it takes when it does. Location is very important to my mental wellbeing, more than I think it is for most people. Maybe I am a plant. It's also very important for my art. I've struggled to find inspiration since I moved here. That said, I've had the very precious opportunity to just work on myself - on my transition, as well as my personal issues. I think I'm getting better, gradually, in some way. I have a job now, at least. So it's not entirely bad. I even grew sunflowers last summer.

Around this time I got banned from twitter, but I don't feel any shame about the reason why because I believe in my message. But it forced me to be a lot less active online for a long time. It also made me lose a lot of support. That's been something I've grappled with a lot these last 2 years - that people really don't like people like me, for reasons that are mostly not our fault. I will likely always be something of an outsider for being who I am now, but I was one before anyway. It's still worth it. I like the person I'm becoming. I feel like only recently did I allow myself to feel this self-love. I was too embarrassed of myself. It took a lot of patience and a lot of de-tangling my self-worth from a lot of trauma. So it's likely I would have needed to go through all of this regardless of where I was.

I still slip up. It's an uphill climb and it's slippery. I like to be transparent about these things. It's a relief - feeling like I need to hide things is my default state and it's lovely to just let go of stuff so I don't need to keep it in my head all the time. I have a lot of hangups still. I get discouraged about my art still - I fear I'll never build myself back up to where I was before, and that there will never be a time when I can really pay the bills with it. Or worse-still, that it just isn't special enough to last. That it isn't remarkable enough to survive after I'm gone. But I think a lot of people who make stuff feel that way, and it's not our fault. There's some relief in that. I'm happy to have even a few people that care about me and my work, and something I've been trying really hard to remember in recent years is to take time to appreciate them. I'm not actually alone. I have a lot of people that love me. I'm not an outsider. I'm very lucky to know the people I do, and I hold a deep regret for all the connections I've let go of because I was just too sick. Deep down I really do wish I could love everyone. I have no ill will towards anyone, not really.

I still don't know what I'm doing. I am just doing my best, I think. I'm really, really tired. I don't want to get any older. I'm scared of the passage of time. My memory is so bad, it feels like time is taken from me without me realizing. I am 33 years old. I do not have 33 years worth of memories. There are huge leaps. Gaps where suddenly I was just older and in more pain. Being adrift in time like this is horrific - one day I will blink, and the present moment may be completely forgotten. It can't go this fast. It just can't. Something has to be wrong. I don't want to die, I don't want to miss out on so much life or be unable to remember it. I don't want to find myself on my deathbed someday way sooner than I think and be unable to string together any kind of coherent thread from my memories. What is it all for? It has to mean something right? Why am I doing anything?

I think I finally understand that love is why. I don't know much more than that. Love is real, and it's the answer. If you find love, don't take it for granted, ever. No love is perfect. Take it with all its flaws. You don't have time to bargain with it. Love like you'll never love again, love like it's your last day alive, love like it will keep you alive forever, because it will. Every year closer to death you get, you will feel the regret of all the times you did not follow your heart. Life is short. I'm finding this out entirely too late. It goes by so fast, and what you have at the end are people and memories of being loved. To be loved is to live forever. It's the thing that connects us to everything else. It's the source and the answer to everything. It makes more sense the older I get. It used to sound cheesy, but I believe it with more sincerity every day.

I'll be okay, okay

I once promised someone that I would stop self-harming. They are no longer in my life, but I kept the promise anyway. There are no new scars on my arms, or bruises on my head or face. I'm keeping this promise for myself, now.

[milogreer]

touched on this in my top ten list, but i wanted to expand on it separately because i've been thinking about morgan and the seer obscura a lot lately 💭

so. "time is a song." morgan kinda blew up after its release, i feel like, and it's with good reason; the atmosphere of that audio is calm and sleepy but also, like… to me there's this longing for connection throughout the whole thing, ykwim?

like. we already know that the seer obscura is sort of at odds with their powers, given how they waited so long to go to the department, how they suppress their sight, and how they go radio silent after their first meeting with morgan. the seer obscura is clearly uncertain about all of this - morgan even calls them standoffish in "consulting with a seer." but they keep going back to him. being the only two known seer obscuras is naturally going to pull them together; the seer obscura is struggling to live with their unique type of sight after the inversion, and morgan is the only one who understands what they're going through.

(and he's gotta kinda pry them open because the seer obscura is notably a reserved person, but he's very gentle about it, he's understanding and patient and does his best to explain their shared sight even though he's never had to before because a) normal seers don't wanna hear it and b) he never thought there would be another seer obscura in his lifetime (much less one his own age) to talk to about it. and then giving them his own personal view of time when the typical water allegory doesn't work is just further building that connection between them.)

anyway, given the end of "learning about your magical abilities" and the fact that there's a year between its release and "time is a song," i'm sure they've gotten together at least a handful of times to work on the seer obscura's control. morgan to this point has consistently been open about wanting to help any way he can, but you can still kinda tell in "time is a song" that they aren't exactly friends yet, and that's why this one really gets me.

the setting for "time is a song" is so intimate - it's his home, in the middle of the night, with not a lot of time to make things presentable before someone he hardly knows outside of work comes over. the seer obscura needed help and comfort and even when they tried to backtrack out of asking for that, morgan invites them over anyway. he says he specifically focused on tidying up the apartment rather than himself, which means he’s looking like he just out rolled out of bed because he literally did. and that's just such a vulnerable thing to me, and it allows the rest of the audio to settle into this quiet, comfortable space that the seer obscura needs.

"when i said you can call anytime, i meant that." "another seer obscura like me[.]" "then there's you and me." "but you've got me. i'm here." "i want to know you." "it takes two to tango; you asked, and i said 'let's dance.'" like it's all just. i feel like i'm going to cry right now just thinking about this LMAO the seer obscura feels so lonely to me and morgan is constantly reassuring them that they aren't alone in this anymore, and i think that means a great deal to them.

to me this entire audio is thick with tension, but it really ramps up when they move out onto the balcony and morgan starts listing things he likes, because it's a shift from obscura lore dump to a personal heart-to-heart. he opened up his home to them and now he's opening himself up too. he gets a little silly! and then he drops the "i want to know you. you won't know that unless i tell you, so i'm telling you. [...] we can just be people with one another, too." and it is genuinely one of the most insane things i've heard in the entirety of the redactedverse. the period of silence after his laughter trails off where you can feel him gearing up to say something, the sincerity with which he says it, the relaxed atmosphere, the mental image of the only two seer obscuras on earth standing together on a balcony in the early morning hours...

(there's more to be said wrt the seer obscura backpedaling in the beginning and later apologizing for "wasting" morgan's time after he's already told them he wants to get to know them, but this post is long enough without me theorizing about that. i'm really interested to see if it gets touched on again; i'd like to know more about them.)

um. anyway. i'm driven insane by the audio every single time. all of the insane lore gained from all three audios so far aside (<- refusing to think about how morgan brought having your threads cut into the prime timeline instead of leaving it in cataclysm), the relationship these two have already is just captivating. the end

[tobiasdrake]

Dragon Ball Daima 01x06 - Lightning

Got: x1 Plane.

Lost: x1 Plane.

Well, that was fast.

*laughs in Daikaioshin*

I could say Beerus or Zeno, but Goku did specify that Kaioshin is the greatest of the "god-like Kaios", not of the gods. Not that he would even know anyway; This is pre-Beerus so he has no way of knowing about gods beyond Kaioshin.

Nonetheless, he's pretty close to right. However, it'd be more accurate to say Kaioshin is the greatest remaining Kaio. There is a seat beyond him. It's just. Vacant.

This is shameless Gohan erasure.

Assuming we're even in-continuity with Super (Which, given the retconning of how Kaioshin and Kibito split, is not guaranteed), Goku hasn't unlocked God forms yet. Ultimate Gohan is the strongest in the universe at this point in time, and the only person who can actually do what Glorio promised the king: Throw hands with Majin Buu and win.

You'd think Kaioshin would know that, since he was there for the whole thing.

These guards interrogating our travelers about Goku's whereabouts is trying to be tense. However, it's hard to sell tension when the only reason anyone seems to be in danger is because Goku's off taking a shit.

We all know he could merc these two guards in five seconds flat if they succeeded in finding him. We've already seen him shitstomp an entire squad of these guys.

Nonetheless, this scene is interesting for the reveal of Panzy's collar beneath her scarf.

They've talked about this before, how all the Third Worlders are collared and can be tracked by them. But there's something really dark and chilling about seeing even the princess forced to wear something like this.

Like "Namekians are actually cross-dimensional beings from another reality who migrated to this universe", "Kaioshin is part of a god-race that's born from tree fruit" is another piece of Toriyama Interview lore finally making its way into the series proper here.

I can't wait to meet the ghost of Dr. Gero's dead son who's inexplicably wandering around Daimakai. :P

You know. This line has me really thinking about Namekians and Kaios/Glinds. We tend to default to masculine pronouns for them because that's what the English translations use.

However, Japanese is frequently a gender-neutral language. It often shuns non-first-person pronouns entirely, preferring to say things like,

Krillin: Goku! We should go spar together! Goku: I would love to spar with Krillin! Krillin: Yeah, it's been so long since I've sparred with Goku and the others. Yamcha: Hey guys, are we sparring? Krillin: Yamcha! Goku came by. Do you want to spar with Goku? Yamcha: Sparring with Goku and Krillin would be great!

In fact, use of pronouns - especially second-person pronouns - can actually make you come across as rude. It can be the equivalent of verbal finger-pointing.

English translations will often insert their own pronouns into the dialogue to sound more naturalistic to English ears. Which means a lot of the pronouns you read or hear in manga and anime are made up by the translators.

It's been a Toriyama Interview plot point for a years now that the Kaios come from a genderless race. But putting a finger on it like this here has me thinking.

I sincerely wonder how much of the gendered language around Namekian and Glind characters in the original manga was actually from the source, and how much was made up in translation?

Like. Namekians have no gender, but the gender they don't have is male. They all use he/him pronouns.

But.

Do they? Or is that just how it got translated into English? Should we have been using They/Them for Namekians and Kaios this whole time?

Very curious now.

That being said, it could honestly go either way. In the same breath that Kaioshin says Glind have no genders....

...he repeatedly genders Arinsu with 彼女 kanojo, the female third-person pronoun and calls her 姉 ane, his older sister. Arinsu is unambiguously gendered with the language he uses, despite bringing up "We don't have genders" as a response to Panzy calling her a woman.

Some real

Panzy: There's that Glind woman too right? Kaioshin: Excuse you, her pronouns are she/her. Panzy: ...that's what I said, though.

energy to this exchange.

Joke's on you, Kaioshin.

You're the only one who has a problem with it. ^_^

His gun is so huge.

Things are finally moving with Glorio now that we know the truth behind who he's really working for.

Makes me wonder what the game plan here is, though. Especially since Glorio thinks he can take Goku, so it's not like they brought Goku here to have him assassinate Gomah so Arinsu could take his throne or something.

The group deliberating the Minotaur's desire to cook and eat them, while also discussing who should fight him? Funny.

That discussion turning from "Glorio should fight him" "No Goku should fight him" into Goku and Glorio stepping outside to fight each other while this poor confused predator just wants to eat?

Priceless. XD This is the best scene that Glorio's participated in yet.

I like the implication that Majin magic isn't something that can be picked up by Ki Sensing. Goku can feel how strong Glorio's ki is, something Glorio himself doesn't know about or understand, but still be surprised by the strength of Glorio's magic because that isn't detectable within his ki signature.

The best part of this fight is the emphasis it pays to Kaioshin sizing up Glorio. He recognizes something in Glorio's magic that threatens to give the game away.

I've been pretty lukewarm on the "Kaioshin investigating Glorio's secret" stuff thus far. Glorio just hasn't been an interesting enough character for me to really invest in his mystery. Finding out who he truly is working for still leaves me pretty meh on the character.

But this whole fight scene, where Kaioshin uses Goku and Glorio's unnecessary pissing contest as a prybar to wrench secrets out of Glorio he didn't realize he was giving away? Perfect.

Bulma tries to get the other ship working and then it doesn't work and fails. And we already know that a Majin is on their way to pick up Bulma and the others so it's not clear if repairing the ship even matters anymore.

It will be interesting to see if something actually comes of this scene or if it's just what I like to call Cashing the Check.

"I have absolutely nothing for these characters to do, I am not ready to advance their story in any way, but I do have some time to kill so it'd be neat if they popped in. Just to say hi and remind the audience that they exist."

That's all I'm expecting this bit to amount to, but we'll see.

Overall, this episode feels like they had one really fucking awesome scene they wanted to write: Goku vs. Glorio, finally showing the full extent of what Glorio is made of and advancing the mystery of Glorio's true agenda.

But needed to stretch it out to an entire episode, and so there's a lot of just faffing about before and after. Some of it's really good faffing about. The Minotaur is hilarious. But it's still faffing about and just counting down the clock until we get to the one important scene.

Far from the best episode we've had, but far from the worst too. And a really fun fight.

[woklaza]

Fyodor Analysis (Flowers)

Analysing THIS scene.

This scene from the season 4 intro featuring Fyodor is, blankly, flowers. But after obsessing over flower symbolism lately ( as an amateur, spare me), I figured that it would be fun to look into the meaning of flowers. This very unoriginal idea was probably done before but whatever.

Blue roses:

Blue roses symbolise secrecy and mystery, which, undoubtedly, suits Fyodor. So, moving on (help I suck at analyses it's a miracle I got an attainment badge for English).

Lily of the Valley:

Lily of the Valley symbolises purity, joy, love, sincerity, happiness and luck (Yes, I copied it from Google) But one interesting thing is that it even has connections with the Bible.

Song of Solomon 2  I am a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys.

Jesus was also described as 'Lily of the Valley' for that He alone is sinless, holy, and separate from sinners. This, well... this seems to expand on Fyodor's motive of wanting the Book to eliminate and purify humanity's "sins".

Red roses:

On the surface, red roses symbolise love and romance which, Fyodor does not seem to express. But after some more research, I found that the deeper the colour of the red rose, the more ready you are for commitment. But this is just on the side of romance (Fic writers, take the notes). There are other meanings to red roses such as desire, longing, respect, admiration, courage, sacrifice, beauty and perfection.

Tithonia Rotundifolia:

Before I go into the meaning, I just want to say this one was very hard to do. There was a bit of a mind debate on whether these are Tithonia Rotundifolia or orange daisies. But in terms of the shape, I figured it would be the Tithonia Rotundifolia.

Tithonia rotundifolia is a hardy and drought-tolerant plant, often thriving in challenging conditions. As such, it can symbolize endurance, resilience, and the ability to thrive despite adversity. Also, giving or receiving Tithonia rotundifolia can be a gesture of admiration and appreciation, acknowledging the recipient's positive qualities or expressing gratitude. While I personally do not think Fyodor is a person who shows admiration and appreciation, he certainly was admired and appreciated by lots, such as Sigma, Nikolai, Ivan et cetra.

Magenta Roses:

Magenta roses symbolize deep, passionate love, echoing the fervent emotions often associated with red roses. They convey a profound sense of affection and desire. But considering Fyodor's personality, we'll move on. Magenta roses also represent gratitude, appreciation, and admiration. That links perfectly to my previous analysis of the Tithonia rotundifolia.

With a bit more research I found that the rich and vibrant colour of magenta roses evokes feelings of enchantment and mystery. They can also signify the magic and allure of love, adding a touch of mystique to romantic gestures. But again, considering Fyodor, let's not stick to the romance side of things.

Olive branches:

This one is more of an optional analysis since I'm not sure if they really are olive branches in the first place. Anyway, we are pretty familiar with the international peace symbol (the well-known one, anyway) being a dove carrying an olive branch with its beak. This symbolises peace and harmony, which at least, in my opinion, is what Fyodor is aiming for to create a "sinless" world without abilities.

Narcissus:

The Greek myth of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection and turning into a flower symbolises self-love and egotism. While this may not entirely suit Fyodor, I do believe he has self-confidence in himself, perhaps even too much that he didn't consider trusting his allies. In fact, that was how he reached his downfall. The Narcissuses in the scene, at the end, bloomed over the other flowers and caused them to grey and wilt. In my opinion, this may symbolise two things:

This shows some of the good qualities that were symbolised in the flowers that didn't suit Fyodor were ruined by his self-confidence and lack of trust. For example, Fyodor didn't have the love symbolised in the roses because his goal buried those emotions down.

This shows how all of his good qualities were soon consumed by his lack of trust and confidence in himself. In fact, the Narcissuses taking over were like how his confidence and arrogance in not needing another plan just in case (we're talking about breaking out from Meursault here) taking over him and resulting in his ultimate (hopefully temporary) downfall and death.

Anyway, these are just my silly rambles. Use this as a reference or whatever, don't take it too seriously I really don't know much about flowers lol. I'm trying to make more analyses cos they're so fun to read (/>^<\) Have fun with the new pieces of information, I spent 1 hour on this and opened 23 computer tabs (Yes, I am not very efficient)! Uhh... bub-bye?

[truly-a-snitch]

May i request headcanons with ranpo and dazai with a s/o who has heterochromia and is insecure about it? Could be hurt/comfort or just straight up fluff :)

-🧛

ofc ofc !!! ty for the request ^_^

WARNINGS: none :3 this is straight up fluff ! i do hc these two as nd (dazai is autistic, ranpo is audhd) !!

---

dazai and ranpo with an s/o who has heterochromia and is insecure about it

dazai

dazai to me has always seemed like the type to not really care about appearances if he's looking for an actual relationship

like i know he's always like "i want to die with a beautiful woman" but if he's planning to LIVE with/for someone, the thing that gets him is their brain, so having heterochromia doesn't matter to him

(however comma he actually thinks its really pretty and makes sure to tell you at EVERY possible moment even if ur not feeling too bad abt it at the moment)

he definitely does some sappy ass bullshit like staring into your eyes whenever he can

i hc him as autistic but like the type that makes way too much eye contact so he sees your eyes a LOT

once he finds out that youre insecure about it he amps up how often he compliments your eyes like. tenfold

like to the point you would think he's making fun of you if he wasn't so genuinely sincere about it

"the way the light catches your eyes is simply gorgeous, darling" or some bullshit like that. homeboy is so silly

if you two live together, he makes so many passing comments about how happy he is that your eyes are the first thing he sees when he wakes up

(look at you, seducing him into healthier sleeping patterns with your eyes)

at the end of the day, dazai doesnt care about your appearance (though the fact that he thinks you are the most graceful creature to ever walk this earth certainly helped when he asked you out)

he makes sure to remind you at every opportunity that the things you perceive as 'flaws'- your eyes, notably- are beautiful to him ^_^

a pretty solid experience all in all ! this man is such a hopeless romantic emphasis on hopeless he will bust out the sappy poetry to make u laugh and cheer u up

ranpo

again, a man who i don't think cares about appearance all that much if only because he can read everybody so easily that appearances sort of become obsolete

i hc him as the kind of audhd that hates eye contact with a burning passion so he isnt into the whole 'staring into your eyes' thing the way dazai is

however comma he likes to hold stuff up to your face and compare it to your eyes if its the same color

(if you have blue in your eyes he holds up his ramune marbles but he makes do regardless of color)

i also hc him as having heterochromia (one eye green one eye brown) so if u have complete heterochromia hes like omg we match !!

he isnt insecure about his appearance because he isnt big about appearances i mean he walks around with that tie that clashes with his ENTIRE outfit he truly does not care. no fucks given. we love u king. anyway the point is hanging out with him and dating him is going to lead to a confidence spike on ur part bc hes so casual abt his own heterochromia

if he notices youre having a bad day- which he will lets be honest- he makes a passing comment about how pretty your eyes look to cheer you up and then goes back to his psp. might let u beat him at whatever hes playing to make u feel better too

since appearances arent super important to him he doesnt really comment on it that much unless he knows ur feeling particularly upset about it

when u feel down abt it tho he is lowk ur BIGGEST hype man like "look how cool my s/o is u guys"

bro even shares his snacks with you if youre feeling insecure (about anything tbh but especially abt ur appearance bc ur literally so cool ??)

if you have sectoral heterochromia he says u and atsushi r twinning frfr (forget armed detective agency this is the fucking. heterochromia detective agency) and if u have central heterochromia hes like oh hell yea we collected the whole set

all in all id say since i hc him as having heterochromia its a solid experience !! vvv supportive

[jujumin-translates]

★ Main Story | Act 13 - Budding Spring | Chapter 27 - Papa Crisis

Banri: You guys can take a twenty-minute break here. Good work.

Masumi: The KniRoun Stage video is up.

Sakuya: Waah, it is!

Chikage: Lancelot’s pretty eye-catching.

Tsuzuru: He was even working on his sword fighting for KniRoun in between rehearsals. Must’ve been rough.

Banri: Nah, he was havin’ the time of his life, trust me.

Citron: Itaru looks like he is having fun~.

Rento: Ooh~, his overseas debut, huh? Looks like he’s doin’ great.

Rento: Still, absolutely insane as hell that he’s comin’ back here right on openin’ day.

Izumi: It really, truly is…

Izumi: In the past, it would’ve been unthinkable to try and to this, but with the current Spring Troupe, I think we’ll be able to pull this plan, even with it cutting it so close.

Banri: Well, it’d be pretty nice to keep this kinda energy goin’ through openin’ day.

Tsumugi: I hope Itaru-kun was able to get to the airport safely.

Sakuya: It’s about time for his flight, right?

Chikage: Let’s check the chat.

*Phone notification*

Izumi: Ah, I just got a LIME from…

Itaru: “problem, can’t get on my flight, airport’s shut down bc of a strike.”

Tsuzuru: WHAT!?

Sakuya: A strike!? That won’t end any time soon…!

Tsumugi: Sometimes the end soon, but sometimes they go on for days. There’s no telling what will happen…

Banri: What’re we gonna do? I mean, we could get through openin’ day with an understudy, or delay it entirely, but…

Masumi: We considered a lot of factors when we picked the date of opening day. It’s the day that’ll give us the most views with the least competition from other troupes, so moving it should really be our last resort.

Izumi: Right… And refunding tickets would have a huge impact on our votes…

Izumi: We’ll still have to deal with refunds if we go for having an understudy, but the damage with that should be minimal.

Banri: Guess we gotta go with an understudy.

Sakuya: Um, can we at least wait until the very last minute?

Tsuzuru: We want to wait for Itaru-san’s return for as long as we can. Can we at least do that, please?

Izumi: …

Tsumugi: I can be ready to sub in at any time, so don’t worry about it.

Sakuya: Thank you so much!

Chikage: I’m arranging a flight for him at another airport as we speak. With this one, he’ll be able to just barely make it in time for the start of the performance.

Chikage: Someone get into contact with Chigasaki and tell him to hurry to catch the bus.

Tsuzuru: On it!

Tsuzuru: “Itaru-san, please hurry to the nearby airport ASAP!”

Chikage: The next bus is leaving at--.

Citron: “I will give you a lucky chant so you will make it in time!”

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

Announcement: “The plane has arrived at Narita Aiport two hours later than scheduled.”

Announcement: “We sincerely apologize for the delay in its arrival due to weather conditions. We offer our deepest condolences to those affected by the delay.”

Itaru: (CITRON used Lucky Chant! The Lucky Chant shielded me from a critical hit…!)

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

UC: Run, Chigasaki.

Itaru: (I am running!)

Saku: You can do it, Itaru-san!

Curry: director said she’s coming to pick you up

taruchi: dw abt it, it’ll be faster if i take a taxi

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

Passerby A: Huh, is the line for getting a taxi really this long?

Passerby B: Probably because of a group of tourists~. Let’s just take the train.

Itaru: (Wait, the line for taxis is THIS long? Oh, I’m so screwed…)

Itaru: (Should I ask Director-san to pick me up now?)

Itaru: (But I’m sure she’s busy getting everything ready for the start of the show. Not to mention, even if she comes now, we probably wouldn’t make it back in time for the start of the show anyway--.)

[ ⇠ Previous Part ] • [ Next Part ⇢ ]

[ecargmura]

Twilight Out Of Focus Episode 12 Review + Final Thoughts - Their Red Thread

What do you mean we’re at the part of the season where all the shows are going to end? What do you mean that I have to part ways with Twilight Out of Focus? *sigh* I love but also hate it when seasonal shows end. It’s nice that it ends so that it’d be a nice memory, but parting ways with it also hurts, you know?

Anyways, I do like that the issues Hisamao face in the finale is Hisashi’s growing insecurities. At first, he never really expressed or showed his insecure side, but now that he’s in a happy relationship with Mao and that he’s expanding his horizons as a member of the drama club, his doubts are growing. He’s afraid of losing Mao and his worth as an actor. He knows he isn’t the best actor and that he knows that people will break up over small things in the future. Mao, on the other hand, also has his insecurities. He’s frustrated that he’s passive when it comes to initiating kisses and sex and that he wants to take the lead at times. However, he also wants to be there for Hisashi when he’s vulnerable. I do like that even though they’re happy together, there are still doubts and fears as they’re still young and uncertain of what the future holds. However, Mao has this aura of sincerity in a way that if he declares something, it’ll surely happen. Given how they’re very good at communicating, I can see them lasting forever. They complete each other in a way, you know? Hisamao is essentially a sad boy x sad boy comforter ship that I enjoy a lot.

I feel like they went all out for the animation quality in terms of scenery because the part where they were filming Hisashi was really pretty. The sky looked gorgeous! The sunset was gorgeous too. It did feel like it was a nice way to close things off for the main couple and for the main couple too. I also love that there was a lot of callbacks to the first episode like the three promises and how it begins and ends with the film club filming Hisashi.

I also like that the post-credit scene finally has Hisashi coming out to the film club—he’s the one who tells Mao’s friends that they’re dating. I think it’s a nice closure to all the secrets he’s been hiding since the beginning. From the start, he didn’t want people to know he’s gay because of prejudice and stigma, but being with Mao changed all that as he feels as if he’s comfortable with letting them know. I think it’s good development on Hisashi’s part.

Overall, this final episode is a good way to close off Hisamao and the entire anime as a whole. I guess if I had a complaint, it’d be that we don’t really see an update with the other ships, but it makes sense because Hisamao is the main ship, after all.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I just hope that people’s thoughts about Twilight Out of Focus being a Banana Fish AU died down and that they see it as its own thing. I think that all the Banana Fish comparisons got annoying super fast, honestly. I know that comparisons are inevitable at times, but I still can’t deny it gets annoying too.

Regardless, I did really like this show. It reminded me of my favorite BL anime Sekaiichi Hatsukoi with the three ships format and takes place in one setting and what not. It also doesn’t help that both animes are animated by Studio DEEN. I guess my attachment to this show was that I was looking something to ease my longing for Sekakoi. I do feel like Studio DEEN has improved from its previous BL works, but it also feels like they’re still doing their usual formula when it comes to BL anime and I think it’s a staple for them. I don’t really know if Studio DEEN is considered a big name or if this production is considered high quality.

Twilight Out of Focus was also the reason why Crunchyroll decided to disable comments because weirdos couldn’t mind their own business and had to be jerks about watching a BL anime when they could’ve just pressed the back button. Honestly, the people who get too noisy about watching BL animes are the worst. You don’t see me complaining about having to watch the craziest shows.

One thing I’ve noticed often is that the anime loves using slide panels in a way that it shows off the “film” premise of the show. It’s not as terrible as how Whisper Me A Love Song uses it. It does make the anime feel like more like a moving manga at times, but I get that the studio has a limited budget as they were working on another show that was airing at the same time. Also, it is sort of hard to animate the manga without making it too complicated or too simple, so what they got was pretty good. I was just surprised that they added in the hanky-panky scenes because they usually censor those—they censored the naughty scenes in Cherry Magic and in Tadaima Okaeri…and the latter was also animated by Studio DEEN.

I do like that each ship brings out different dynamics. Hisamao is roommates/friends to lovers; JinGii is enemies/rivals to lovers mixed with roommates; ReiShion is looking for love to falling in love sort of thing. They all give different vibes and not a rinse and repeat of the same tropes. I applaud Jyanome for giving three different pairs within the same setting and making them be different. It would’ve been boring if they were the same three ships.

Speaking of the author, I do like how they write the characters. They’re not too cliche and not too stereotypical in terms of BL tropes. For example, Hisashi and Mao is like the bad boy x nice boy trope, but Hisashi is a bit more vulnerable and delicate compared to the typical BL seme. He gives off an uke feel, yet isn’t an uke at all. Mao is more composed and straightforward, but gives uke vibes as he has to be the one to complement Hisashi. Jin also doesn’t feel like a seme as he’s more sensitive and wimpy while Giichi is bold and confident. Of the three couples, ReiShion give off the most typical seme and uke tropes, but they’re also written in a way that they avert said tropes too with Rei being nerdy and not that physically strong while Shion is effeminate but also super strong and capable of anything.

The voice actors were STACKED. Holy heck. The main cast reprised their roles from the drama CD, but still, it’s a solid cast that would be a huge waste NOT to use. The main couple are voiced by Yuma Uchida and Yoshitsugu Matsuoka. They’re BL regulars, so they know how to give out the emotions and the fruitiness. Also, why do I feel like a lot of BL adaptations usually have Uchida in them? Matsuoka is always a solid pick for anything really. He’s very versatile. For Uchida, it’s one of the rare times he’s playing against type and voices a very quiet character, but he did a good job showing off Hisashi’s vulnerability but also the shyness he gets when around Mao. JinGii are voiced by Makoto Furukawa and Masatomo Nakazawa. Furukawa is also another BL regular. I do like that he gives Jin a very pompous and arrogant feel, but also shows off his sensitive sides super well. I feel like I mainly see Nakazawa in BL anime as he was also Haruki in Given, but he’s super underrated and should be in more works, whether they be BL or not. ReiShion are voiced by Takuya Eguchi and Soma Saito, both BL regulars. Heck, getting the most effeminate character to be voiced by the BL Princess (Saito) is practically a golden ticket for a must-watch BL. Like how Uchida is playing against type, Eguchi is also playing against type as he voiced Rei who’s quieter than most of his usual roles. It’s really nice to see these voice actors playing to their strengths but taking it to new heights but also seeing some of them play against type and see how they adapt. Heck, if you think the main cast is stacked, the supporting cast is also stacked with names like Takeo Otsuka and Kent Ito and Gen Satou to name a few. What I’m saying is that you’re likely to see the names of the side characters in various animes because they’re names you do see pop up often. Twilight Out of Focus is definitely a treat for voice actor fans. The English dub cast is good too! If you like Cherry Magic, the English VAs for the Tsugemina pair reunite as Rei and Shion.

While the soundtrack isn’t bad, I do think that sometimes, the music is a bit misplaced. I also notice a lot of repetitive usage of certain tracks, which isn’t bad, but it also sort of does feel out of place. Regardless, I do like the songs. The opening and ending songs could’ve definitely switched, but I don’t mind if they weren’t.

Do I have any major gripes with the show? Well, my major complaint is not with the show itself but with Tumblr. If you don’t know, I also post my reviews on Tumblr but my Twilight Out of Focus reviews never show up there for some reason. I guess I feel like my reviews for this show aren’t as getting as much traction as I want them to in a sense?

Other than that, this is a nice BL shows for newbies and long-time fans of the genre. 2024 has been quite a year with three back-to-back seasonal BLs. Fall 2024 won’t have a BL, but it makes sense as it’s way too stacked to stick one in, but who knows how long it’ll take for them to announce more BL anime. So far the ones we’ll be getting next year are The Summer Hikaru Died and Go For It, Nakamura! Given that BL is getting popular, I do hope that the anime industry do announce and animate more BLs. I’ll be there to watch any of them when they air!

If you watched Twilight Out of Focus from beginning to end, what are your thoughts on the anime as a whole?

[beesmygod]

I associate cringe is dead solely with “people refusing to engage with homestuck as a literary work bcz they see it as cringey/ embarrassing” , what context were you referring to?

i had to think about how to phrase this as precisely as possible to make it clear that my problem is not with the general idea of engaging with art with sincere, unabased enjoyment. since the phrase is so broad, that it honestly covers a wide array of behaviors that are largely contextual depending on the context its used lol. know what i mean?

anyway, there's a slim margin using it and similar terms ("no ethical consumption under capitalism" became an excuse for people to sell-out shamelessly, instead of driving people to take a look at how they exploit each other as a consequence of living under capitalism) as cover for unabashed conspicuous consumption. in a perverse and crass way, people try to turn consumerism and gleeful participation in the vile ethics of capitalism into a sort of activism and the entire thing makes me sick. i think it should be ok to level criticism and maybe even a few pointed jabs at people who can only relate to art if they can buy some stupid shit from it to posses.

but also realistically, it a subset of people so small that it really isnt something worth caring about beyond being annoyed at knowing they exist. also of course i think a lot of shit is annoying. im 30 or 40 years old!!!! everything is annoying!!!

[starry-eyed-adam]

a great day to be alive

rating: pg-13 / words: 1896

featuring the incredible @littlemissartemisia’s Claire

content warning: this work contains mention of suicide/attempts, alcohol abuse, and dysphoria

————————————————————————

The splashing of the razor in the tiny bowl is one of the many sounds of the morning. The open window lets in the melody of the chickens’ muted bawks and birds’ songs that float above the dew-weighted air, and reveals that the sun’s reached just high enough above the mountains to spill into the bathroom, rendering the overhead light pretty much useless.

Leo swishes the tiny blades in the ceramic bowl, shaking off the caked-on shaving cream before he leans in towards the mirror again, tilting his head to scrape under his jawline. While his brothers have other indicators of facial hair (Don’s stripes, Raph’s short spikes), Leo doesn’t have any, period. But it makes him feel nice to shave anyway. Makes him feel well-groomed. More masculine, even. Once finished with the patch under his jaw, the slider turns his head. He’ll be the first to admit that he’s admiring himself, obviously. He’s put a lot of work into this pretty face.

Content with his work, Leo dips his hand into the plugged sink and splashes warm water on his clean face, washing away the rest of the cream. The towel beside the sink is tugged off of its metal ring as Leo pats himself dry. Taking another moment to look at his handsome self, Leo grins and whistles through his teeth. So this is what his honeybunny’s so happy to wake up to every morning. He gets it.

The steam from his shower’s still lingering in the room, so the running overhead fan might contribute to it, but Leo’s too busy applying aftershave—another thing he doesn’t need, but has enough money and too much self-respect to get—and humming to himself to hear the footsteps approach the open bathroom door. He’s not even aware she’s standing there until—

“Uncle Leo.”

The slider nearly drops the damn pump bottle he’s so startled. Setting the aftershave a little forcefully on the counter, mostly so he doesn’t allow himself the chance to drop it again, Leo takes a sharp breath as he looks over towards his brother’s eldest. “Hey, Claire. G’morning.”

The white-haired girl is… small, today. She’s sort of curling into herself, holding her arms and keeping her head low, barely even meeting his eyes. She’s leaning against the doorway, not really facing him until he shuts off the fan and turns to her. “Everythin’ okay?”

The teenager just kinda hums and shrugs, but Leo catches the corners of her eyes crinkling, and she sniffs. “Yeah, I mean… I just, uh.”

Her uncle stays where he is, patiently waiting.

Claire sniffs and rubs at her face before finally looking up, her expression taking Leo aback somewhat. Her eyes and nose are reddened with obvious tears, and something like hopelessness dulls her entire face. “When does it get easier?” she whispers, so faint that Leo isn’t sure he quite hears her at first.

“What? When does what get easier, kiddo?” he answers with a voice almost just as quiet, brow furrowed in worry. Claire glances down again—shit, he’s losing her—and shrugs once more, weaker this time.

“I dunno. All of it.” She sniffs. “Being trans, queer. Being hated. Being… alive.”

There’s a long silence between them, and Leo’s heart aches at every word. “…that’s a tough question, Claire.”

She recoils immediately. “I know. I’m sorry. It was dumb. I’ll leave you alo—“

Her uncle’s hand is suddenly firmly in hers, and Leo leans down to meet her eyes, fully sincere. “It ain’t dumb. I still have those questions myself. But, unlike you—“ his own eyes crinkle with a smile. “I have a couple more years experience doin’ all that.”

“I figured you were the person to go to.” Claire gives him a tight smile back. “I mean, we’ve got so much in common. We’re both trans and queer, super depressed, alcoholic—“

“‘Ey. Former alcoholic.” Leo lifts an eyebrow at her as he flashes his 90 day chip, making Claire laugh.

“Alright, former alcoholic. What else…?”

“Both had boyfriends that Donnie hated at first and probably still does a little an’ also tried to kill them?” Her uncle grins at Claire’s surprised expression. “I never did tell ya about Yuichi an’ Donnie’s fights.”

“Oh.” She glances down again, gaze lingering on his chest for a moment. “I was going to say something like we both tried to kill ourselves.”

The room goes quiet, and Leo’s breath stills. He swallows, and sighs. “Yeah. I s’pose we did. I gotta tell ya though, the amnesia does make that a lot easier to handle.” His eyes widen at the gears suddenly turning in her mind. “Quit tryin’ to figure out the easiest way to hit yourself on the head with a twenty-pound rock.”

After a moment, some of the darkness seems to lift from the girl’s expression and she even laughs, before she rubs her eyes and sighs deeply. Leo grins again and squeezes her hand. “Now, tell me who hates ya.”

This time, her laugh is without humor. “I do.” His niece’s eyes don’t meet his for a while, but she seems surprised to see the understanding reflecting in Leo’s gaze. Claire rubs her arm, sighing again. “There’s a few reasons, I’d rather not get into them… I just wanna know what to do about it, I don’t wanna hate myself. It… really sucks.”

Leo shakes his head with a sad smile. “That it does. Unfortunately, kiddo, I think it’s jus’ somethin’ that you grow out of. It ain’t gonna last forever, an’ you just gotta be strong through it. Be around your family, y’know, people that love ya. Remind yourself that you’re loved.” He sighs. “As for the trans thing… it’s… it ain’t easy findin’ people that support ya, truly an’ deeply. I know it’s 2051 an’ everyone’s openminded an’ shit, but that don’t mean it’s any easier internally.” Lightly, he taps his chest. “Havin’ some people around you, though. It does help. An’ you’ve always got your family. You’ll always have your parents, an’ your uncles, an’ all of your siblings an’ cousins. I hope that might count for somethin’.”

Slowly, she nods, though seems unsatisfied. Shifting where he stands, Leo’s voice drops in volume. “The self-hatred that comes from things outta your control… an’ the resultin’ urges, that… that’s different. It’s all self-loathing, but this kind burns so much deeper.” He rubs the back of her hand with his thumb, eyes low. “It seems like the people around you can’t help. Even like you’re hurtin’ them. It’s so, so crushing, that guilt. It festers, an’ spreads to every corner of your mind. I get it, I…” Leo sighs deeply, eyes closed. “I do. But you gotta fight it, even when you feel like you can’t. Especially when you feel like you can’t. There’s always reasons to keep goin’, because you’re not a bad person for what you’ve done, an’ the pain won’t last forever.”

Claire keeps her head hung, and her arms tighten around herself. Nervously, Leo rubs the back of his neck. “I’m sorry, kid. I know it’s probably not what you’re lookin’ for. I’m not an expert or—“

Leo’s stunned into silence by the pair of arms that wrap tightly around him. His niece buries her face in the crook of his neck and holds onto him. “I’m really glad you’re still here, Leo,” she whispers, voice choked with tears. “I know it was hard.”

Leo loves his family to death. He does. But oh, God, he realizes as he slowly hugs back, he doesn’t get told that nearly enough. Leo closes his eyes, gently rubbing her back as a stray tear escapes him. “I am too,” whispers the cowboy, faint. “I’m glad I lasted long enough to meet such an incredibly smart—“ he hugs her tighter, “strong—“ another squeeze, “absolutely beautiful an’ kind an’ loving girl like you. I want you to stick around as long as you possibly can, kiddo.” Firmly, Leo kisses the top of her head, sniffling himself. “I love you.”

She chokes on a laugh through her tears, and clings to him. “Thanks.”

After a long moment, they separate again, and Leo meets her eyes. “You tried talkin’ to your parents about this at all?”

Claire sniffs. “Dad… you know him, he’s not good with talking about this sort of stuff. He just gets upset and he doesn’t know what to say. Mom comforts me, but she doesn’t really get it. Neither of them do. So I don’t see the point in going to them. You’ve lived my life. Or, a lot of it. I’d rather talk to you about all of this.”

“Ah.” Sounds about right for his brother. Leo leans against the wall, exhaling slowly. “Donnie an’ Cat have four kids they gotta worry about, on top of a farm an’ ranch that’s suddenly expanded. Don’t blame ‘em for not bein’ all there right now.”

“I’m not,” Claire jumps in.

“They’re tryin’ really hard to be good parents to all of you. An’ I’m amazed with how well Don’s been doing so far. But he feels disconnected from ya.” Now, Leo never actually heard his brother say this. But he sees it, he can tell, when Scotty jumps into Leo’s arm to hug him when they get home and Donnie’s arms stay empty, or when Claire has an issue with someone at school and brings it up to her mom or to Mikey. The softshell’s need for validation, especially as a parent, is starting to choke him.

His niece is quiet. “He doesn’t understand like you do.”

“He’s your dad, kiddo,” says Leo, soft. “There’s a million things he ain’t gonna understand. But he wants to try. An’ I’d really, really like it if you’d give him that chance.”

The words hang in the air for a moment, and that’s okay. Leo smiles a bit as he watches Claire consider them. “…okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah. Okay. I’ll… try to talk to him more.”

“That’s the spirit.” With a grin, Leo nudges her. “An’ try to give him a hug every now an’ then, yeah? Even if he don’t want it. An’ you be kind to your mama, too. Both a’ them work really hard for you.”

“Yeah, yeah, okay, I got it.” Claire rolls her eyes, but she’s smiling. “I’ll do that.”

“Thank you.” Leo hangs up the face towel again and shuts off the overhead light as they both head out of the room. “You have breakfast yet?”

She follows him out. “No.”

“Claire! It’s 8am! If you don’t eat now you ain’t gettin’ a chance until lunch!” Leo grins at her, nudges her again. Claire just hums, shrugs, and her uncle sighs, rifling through his pocket again for the little plastic disc.

“Hey.”

The girl glances up to see the ‘90 Days Sober’ chip hanging off its chain, dangling from Leo’s fist. She smirks at him. “You’re very proud of that thing.”

“Bump my mother-friggin’ fist, you socially inept teenager,” her uncle laughs. “Here’s to gettin’ better.”

Claire hesitates, then lightly taps her fist against Leo’s. “To getting better,” she repeats, faintly. As they head down the stairs, the sounds of clanking silverware and plates and faded conversation grows louder. Leo grins, swings his little chain around as he leads her down.

“Mhm. An’ gettin’ better starts with having a damn meal. C’mon, you like pancakes or waffles?”

[kaurwreck]

you remind me of a time i wish i could go back to; a time in which i would obsessively read and keep reading about anything that interested me slightly. i would stumble into entirely new ways of thinking with all the delicacy of a bull in a china shop, and learn to engage with it on its own terms. the ability got lost somewhere in the haze that was school and uni and people and work and now i’ve… lost the ability to think on my own. it comes maybe twice a month, in random bursts, and i fucking hate that i don’t have access to it continuously anymore. i hate that now when i’m bored i can’t think up stories in my head and chew on ideas in my free time. i see you and i’m so happy and so envious; i wish for my thirst for life back. i’m so tired. i’m saying this to you because, of all people, might be able to see it clearly. i respect the fact that you managed to retain it to adulthood or beyond is so much. you don’t know how much that means to me, as a young adult.

If it helps, I don't read nearly as much as I did as a kiddo. Like, not even remotely close. Quite frankly, I've only recently gotten back into reading lit, after years of only reading comics and manga, and not nearly at the volume I did before.

But! There are all sorts of opportunities to engage with stories and ideas and reconnect the synapses that spit where they used to spark. Once, in the throes of a heavy and prolonged period of uncertainty, I was gripped by the color of spray paint on the sidewalk on the way to pick up an espresso while sleep deprived. I consciously chose to stop and appreciate it.

Which is to say, I also get exhausted and burnt out and go through periods where I wonder if I've lost some fundamental part of myself. But then I rest or I change my routine or I receive an affirmation I didn't realize I desperately needed, and my verve returns, as it does. I think having pediatric onset bipolar disorder has advantaged me in this regard because even when I feel like nothing, I know that the intensity will return, and that it will continue to ebb and flow like the tides. I used to dread the ebb, but the ebb has its own value, too; in the ebb is where I nurture roots.

But to my earlier point, there are lots of stories and ideas buried in all sorts of moments. We can imbue meaning in the things we do as an observed ritual until it becomes habit until it becomes sincere. And for the periods in which we can't, it's worth remembering that the winter solstice is the longest evening of the year, but the sun will come back because it always has. In the meantime, you can stoke a hearth and sip on coaxed together warmth while tucking into your memory this grief so that you will recognize what you've been missing when it returns, so that feeling excited is remarkable enough to cut the present ennui. In time, you'll start to feel substance in the contours of the grief, too, because to be exhausted and numb and tired means that you exist enough to be anything at all.

And, if you're too untethered from yourself for even that, find something mundane and look for a glimmer of anything worth observing. If you can't find anything, choose to give some facet of what you see meaning anyway.

(It's not that the sidewalk was purple. It's that I chose to see that it was that particular, beautiful shade of purple rather than remain adrift into my own ether and, in doing so, tethered my intangible enormity in something tangible enough for me to stoke while I weathered the season.)

If you practice enough, this becomes muscle memory. Same with thinking on your own. I don't think reading is ever enough on its own anyway; sometimes, we mirror ideas and mistake them for our own. Or we encounter ideas but don't allow ourselves to be changed by them.

It's why it's important to engage intentionally, and it doesn't have to be with text. It can be with movies, art, those around us, our environment, our own understanding of the world, the condensation on a window. Mindfulness helps, but so does adopting the mindset of a toddler and asking why? Constantly. Again, it may begin as a rote exercise, but the more you do it, the more it becomes muscle memory. If you think you know something, consciously stop and ask why? Where did you learn that? What assumptions does your conclusion rely on? Could there be another explanation? Pretend you're someone else for a moment, a favorite character or historical figure or loved one. What would they think given the same facts? Also important is saying, like a toddler, because I said so! as the only reason you need. Try things for the sake of having not tried them before. There's a reason why Lao Tzu advises being like a newborn baby, soft boned with a strong grip.

There's very little I do, read, watch, or consume that I don't think about applying elsewhere, too. This is sometimes exhausting. But it's also where I get my well of passion. Because there's always an opportunity for meaning, my life bursts with it.

This doesn't mean I don't still have rough weeks or months or years. I have bipolar, adhd, cptsd, and social phobia; I have frequent insomnia and sleep paralysis, etc. etc. But I look forward to what I might learn next, and there's purpose and intention to how I experience even my lows. The life I'm currently living is so unlike where I came from, in part because I decided I wanted meaning and purpose. Before I knew what that was supposed to look like, I picked a direction and strove for it, feeling out what I couldn't see. I still do, when necessary. It will always be necessary.

So, while I don't know if what works for me will work for you, I can promise that something will excite you again, eventually. Adulthood isn't a linear decline or a separation from yourself. It's variable and dynamic, and you have agency in what you do with that. There isn't any objective meaning or purpose to be assigned, so you get to choose it for yourself, and it can be as variable and dynamic as you need it to be. So, if you don't want to grow into someone who can't think on your own, you don't have to. If you don't like your current state of mind, you don't need to settle in it.

tl;dr: It's not what I've retained, it's that I've ebbed and flowed and changed, and given myself the space to clumsily stumble towards what I want and what I value, even if I'm not always sure what those are. I'm letting go of the construct that I have to be anything, and I emphatically choose not to be lots of things. It's a process, and it's nonlinear. But nothing is, and there's grace in the inevitably of ebb.

[valle-de-sombra-de-muerte]

Homestuck Reread: Act 2, Part 2/3 (p. 440-614)

Read the previous post here.

We pick up this second third of Act 2 by reading another section of Rose's GameFAQs walkthrough.

Credit where it's due, I like this section title.

Rose wants to know more about this hypothetical Pornsprite. This girl is freaky. Too bad Ao3 didn't go into open beta until a few months after Homestuck began, she would've been all about it.

Interesting how she only cites part of her guide as "logorrheic sludge." Honey, that's the entire guide. Brevity is not your strong suit.

Rose and Jade's first pesterlog. I'll use this as the jumping off point to talk about Jade since she has only appeared sporadically at this point and none of her logs were worth talking about.

Actually, she did have one log in Act 1 where she asks John about his present. The one interesting thing is that she apparently didn't know what Sburb was when John mentioned it.

So John, Rose, and Dave all knew about Sburb and none of them thought to tell Jade about it? Huh... guess that tells us a lot about the dynamics of their friend group.

Anyway, I realize this might be a "hot take" given her inexplicable popularity in the fandom, but I don't like Jade. And unlike with John, there never was a point where I did. I am of the mind that Homestuck would've been much stronger and have a tighter pace if she was cut from the cast of kids (or at least, this version of her. The story could also work if she had some heavy rewrites) and it was limited to John, Rose, and Dave. Rose and Dave alone make for an engaging pair, and I suppose John acts as a sort of "anchor" to ground their increasingly esoteric insincerity and bullshit. If he was fleshed out more, it definitely would've worked.

But Jade doesn't help with this dynamic at all. Like John, Jade is also much more grounded and sincere, but her personality is also coupled with an overwhelming optimism where she believes everything will be okay if left up to chance. If John is true neutral, Jade is 100% positive. He barely reacts to the otherworldly things happening to him, but she actively seems to enjoy them (the meteor crashing near her house is something she wants to explore regardless of the risk, and John struggling in Sburb is "exciting").

She doesn't serve as a convincing counterbalance to Rose and Dave and comes across as more of an extraneous extension of John's lack of danger sense than anything else. Do we really need two happy-go-lucky kids with slight variations on the same niche? The very fact that the story is able to progress without her involvement thus far shows just how little she matters.

These first two acts shroud her in so much mystery, and we barely know anything about her even through these sparse pesterlogs. (As we later see, this amounts to nothing, so all this intrigue is unfounded and only leads to an unsatisfying payoff). At this point in the story, we only know that she lives with her grandfather and someone named Bec (which Dave refers to as a "devilbeast"), she has a "goofy modus" which frustrates even Dave (who, mind you, mocked John for using a simple modus earlier), she lives in a far-off part of the world, and that she has some degree of inexplicable precognition.

Jade's cutesy cagey attitude about her precognitive abilities is fucking annoying, and it is perhaps the worst thing about reading her logs. "oh gee i know all this stuff but its a secret and you gotta find out on your own tee hee! :)" This truly is typical hackshit writing when handling characters with prophetic knowledge. You can't make them too useful, or else there won't be suspense or conflict. Instead they have to act as a ineffectual plot device to softly guide the characters along. Except she doesn't do any guiding. She just unhelpfully alludes to things that the others don't know yet and leaves it at that.

In fact, Jade as a whole is less of a character and more of a plot device, by which I mean she doesn't have any sort of character to speak of. Her overbearing cheerfulness is not endearing to read, neither is her dropping hints that she knows more about what she lets on. She doesn't have any entertaining chemistry with the others either. Her interactions with John are like watching two morons acting excited with each other while the world is literally ending around them. Dave intentionally strips himself of his personality because he has a crush on her and wants to impress her by being "nice," but she doesn't seem to reciprocate his feelings at all. Also, come on, dude, Rose is right there.

Rose is the only one who shows any scrutiny about Jade's "quirky" clairvoyance. But even so, she only expresses this through occasional, bemused remarks. Jade dodges the question whenever Rose asks how she knows about things she realistically shouldn't, and Rose doesn't ever press further.

So Rose had prior knowledge about a game that will bring her cat to life. We later find out that this opportunity to revive Jaspers was her her motivation for playing Sburb. Doesn't seem worth ending the world for, but whatever. I daresay this casts Jade in a bit of a villainous role for planting the idea in Rose's head in the first place.

Actually, if Jade ended up being a twist villain, that would've been interesting and provide, you know, intrigue! Or if nothing else, it would've at least added something of substance to her character, something she desperately needs. Even ignoring that angle, you'd think the other kids might be more than a little resentful toward Jade since she knew the world was going to end, yet never told any of them about it.

But no, Hussie can't implement anything that would've been conducive to good storytelling. Especially if it leads to, gasp, conflict!

Okay, enough of Jade, let's get moving.

I want to bring attention to this passage and compare it to the earlier "symphony impossible to play" one with Rose. First of all, it's worth noting the rain/drought contrast between their respective settings. Unlike the more elegant and cerebral prose in Rose's section, this one reads more like a stream of consciousness from Dave's perspective. Loose and casual, even ending with a Snoop Dogg-esque rhyme at the end before transitioning to an actual Snoop Dogg verse.

Yeah, for those who haven't caught on, John Keats didn't actually say that. Very easy to miss, I'm sure. For those counting, this is also misattributed quote gag #5. I am positively rolling with laughter.

I find it noteworthy the room where Bro has his whole setup is stated to be the living room, not a bedroom. I'm quite certain that the Striders live in a one-bedroom apartment where Dave gets the room and Bro has all his shit in the living room and kitchen.

Dave's relationship with Bro is an inverse of John and Rose's relationships with their guardians. Whereas Dad and Mom decorate their homes with shit they think their kids will like in order to seek their approval, Bro isn't doing any of this for Dave's sake. He fills his home with his puppets and weapons because he's the one into that shit (ironically or otherwise, it doesn't matter). Dave in turn adopts Bro's mannerisms because he craves his approval.

The amount of mental hoops he needs to make in order to justify his brother's fixation on sex and puppets is concerning. Is Bro even being "ironic" or is that just an excuse he tells Dave so he doesn't have to explain this stuff any further? I think the love of Lil Cal, his childhood possession and best friend, led to a love of puppets being a core part of his personality. Everything else that extends from that is up to interpretation.

Like Dave, Bro is also a hipster doofus who does things seen as patently "uncool" in a bold display of being unique. The logic is such: a disregard for what society deems "cool" is what leads to it becoming "cool" ironically. At a glance, Bro's interests include typically "cool" things like ninja weapons, video games, and rapping. Bro plays with expectations by using these interests, which he may very well only enjoy ironically, in conjunction with puppets, which he loves genuinely but passes them off as ironic since most people deem them creepy and uncool. Applying a sexual element to the puppets makes an interest in them even creepier, so Bro does so if only to make his love for them appear even more ironic.

Convoluted and confusing? Yeah, that's Bro Strider, baby.

I don't know how necessary it was to show just how Dave gave Lil Cal a fist bump, but I do like this panel. One of the few reminders we get that these characters are, in fact, small children.

Bro's 6-character password is "puppet" right? It has to be. (Correction: a helpful anon has informed me that the password is actually "lilcal"). Also, just like his home, his desktop organization is also a mess. There's no method to this man's madness.

For all the negligence and questionable parenting methods Bro is guilty of, he still cares for Dave in some capacity. He stays up to date on his webcomic and blogs, and even hangs up one of Dave's SBaHJ drawings on the fridge. I wonder if Bro, on some level, likes the idea of raising a kid that he can raise to be just like him, but is just a woefully inept guardian that he doesn't know the first thing about parenting.

Remember, these are the kinds of websites Rose says she likes.

Just gonna say perhaps it's not ideal that Dave is being exposed to this kind of thing at such a young age. As much as he idolizes Bro and wants to emulate him, he can't get over the fact that all this sex stuff disturbs him. Yet he doesn't even view it as sexual, only as a form of irony, one he can't comprehend until he can somehow overcome his aversion toward it. It's kinda sad, really.

Unsettled, Dave's first recourse is to talk to John to try and calm down. John leaves him hanging. Such a good friend, am I right? He then goes to Rose, where they have the earlier conversation where she says she likes Bro's websites, but this time we get added context.

Dave of course is attempting to act casual about the whole thing, only slightly alluding to his deeper distress, and Rose is just like "That shit rules. I like it." This whole exchange is both tragic and darkly comedic.

Rose really does come across as a little pervert sometimes. She casually drops sexually charged phrases in conversation ("sun's lurid glare"), her username is a lewd double entendre (tentacle the... I'll let you finish that phrase), and she does show a marked interest in sexual topics (Bro's websites, the Pornsprite... honestly I'm surprised she doesn't suggest that to Dave at any point).

Both she and Dave play with innuendo and act as though they're mature and know all about sex. However, Dave's attitude toward sex is more a response to his exposure to it at a young age, whereas Rose is more casual about it and sees her flippant attitude toward it as a mark of maturity. She must love treating sex as this trivial little thing that might make others uncomfortable, but not her because she's soooo grown up.

Also, if Rose truly did give a shit about psychoanalysis, she probably would've picked up on Dave's cries for help in his messages. She really isn't as perceptive as she lets on.

Thank you, Rose, for saying what I was thinking.

Rose gets a kick out of Dave's webcomic and laughs when John makes references to it. Also, she doesn't tell John about what Dave told her earlier about the puppets when he mentions it. How nice of her. John is a fucking jackass though. Seriously, fuck him.

I'm putting a pin in this for later. Rose being able to "see only [...] what John can see, or has seen already" will be important to note later on.

Another tragicomic exchange where Rose continues to make light of Dave's distress. I wonder if she is incapable of seeing Dave as being sincere in this moment and thinks he's overreacting as a part of their usual back-and-forth.

Here it is. My favorite Homestuck page.

Dave wants to please Bro and goes along with his shtick no matter how far he pushes the envelope. This only encourages Bro to go further and further in his methods of fucking with Dave. Is his end goal to push Dave to a breaking point, or does he truly hope something with click that will make Dave truly understand him? Either way, it's fucked up.

I didn't want to get into Bro Discourse during this reread. I know there are opposing camps who either think he's a monstrous child abuser, or a silly guy who did no wrong. Personally, I think that while he doesn't read as outright malicious, it's safe to say this dude is a menace and has no business raising a kid.

It's really skeevy of Bro to incorporate his underage brother in his fetish videos, which will doubtless be uploaded to his site for others to view. This is probably the one of the more damning things he's guilty of.

Bro has reduced the kitchen as a storage space for his weapons. It's a wonder how he's able to take care of himself, let alone a child.

It's stated that Bro doesn't have anywhere else to store his stuff, which further reinforces my theory that Dave has the only bedroom in the apartment.

Yes. Thank you. One can only watch characters launch objects at high speeds for so long.

Dave's sylladex shenanigans are a little more tolerable than John's. Assigning different names to objects in order to make them fit in the modus is more fun than watching things eject once the deck is full.

This metaphor caught me off guard. It's so abrupt and out of pocket, I love it.

Shit's about to go down. Let's see how things resolve when I finish Act 2 next week.

Read the next post here.

[trashcanwithsprinkles]

hii! i am in love with your works. i've read itysg(ainly) several times and cyanide twice T.T you deserve all the love, you've become one of my top 3 comfort authors <3

i have a quick question. do you have a compilation of your abyss lore somewhere? like how you can't cry in the abyss because the salt attracts the enemies (i sincerely hope that is from you and i'm not confusing it with someone else's T.T) uhh, cause i intend to base my research on it :) no issue tho if not

oh! no i don't think i have it anywhere, but it's no trouble to me to just- dump it all here, so-

i'll leave it under the cut, but tysm!! good luck writing and obviously feel free to tweak and change stuff to better fit whatever you're going for!

ok so- this is going to be about canon-genshin's abyss. the only difference between that one and cyanide's abyss is a lack of rhinedottir creatures, so.

landscape

i've always been torn between if the abyss is like- just a small area, like within a huge cave; or if it's its own entire realm altogether. like a whole other world, with its own continents and all that. it feels so limiting to make it only a cave, but it also feels a bit too strange to make it just- mirror teyvat. idk anyway,

under the assumption that it's not as big as teyvat but larger than just a cave, we could look at it like one large landmass surrounded by ocean

the moon spire is off one of the coasts, around the rainforest area

the easiest way to think about it is probably like minecraft's nether. like the overworld is all open sky and lots of biomes while the nether is all claustrophobic and with only a handful of biomes

i think it'd be cool if it's rainforest and badlands/savanna/desert. but not like sumeru- to me sumeru's rainforest is very much like the jungle in madagascar and the desert is like the sandbanks in africa. i think the abyss could be more like the amazon's rainforest, tighter, a lot less giant fantastical trees and more- 'where the fuck am i, i can hardly see thru the vegetation' sort of place. and the desert more like the usa's stereotypical cacti and tumbleweed all dry land and rocky cliffs.

since irminsul's roots have to be down there and i think the abyss is whacky enough to meld with whatever dimension irminsul resides in, then i think we could literally have massive petrified roots in the middle of the continent. like just- sprouting out of the ground and making this gigantic thing that you could theoretically see from everywhere if it wasn't so fucking dark. in cyanide here would be where the primordial one would've been sealed to in the original abyss, right in the center.

the rainforest area would be full of winding, impossibly deep rivers- like all of them deep like the mariana trench. wet mist hollows and just- general amazon rainforest inconveniences. if you've ever been there you know what i mean. i think it'd be even more fucked up if it doesn't rain, though.

the desert part would be a death sentence, hence why skirk sticks to the rainforest most times, esp while with childe

the area with irminsul's roots would be like a giant haunted forest/cave system, full of the only sources of natural light down there (some glowing moss and insects)

climate

damp and wet-feeling but it's not water, it's abyssal miasma. like it all feels like a sauna. the temperatures would go from uncomfortably kinda-hot in the day to fucking freezing at nigth.

the rainforest feels even wetter but again, not water. everytime you breathe it feels like you have to force your lungs to take in the air. again, if you've ever been to a jungle or rainforest, you know what i mean.

the desert parts would be unbearably hot, but the heat would come from the ground itself, so you'd feel feverish the entire time - it'd be cool if the sands were obnoxiously red from high iron oxides to make it even worse. the more bearable places would be up on the rock cliffs and outcrops, but since they're the more livable places, that means most of the creatures are also up there. speaking of,

creatures

the rifthounds are in the higher areas of the rainforest, almost a tundra, bordering the roots, where the wolflord has its lair and territory. not edible bc they contain aluminum and other not-safe-for-humans metals, and also there's hardly any meat in them lmao.

the giant clay worm(s) lives underground in the lowland rainforest and nobody has really seen it, so it's a non-issue. it's massive, and the reason why the marshlands on a different side of the rainforest exist. i think it'd be interesting if nobody knew whether it's one giant one or multiple giants. also this would be the cause of quakes in the abyss, it's just whenever the thing moves there would be a tremble in the ground

steelclaw harpies are out in the rocky outcrops of the dessert, hence why you'd be forced to walk the superheated base ground instead of going up. if you've ever seen a harpy eagle, just think that but like- the size of a person, and a bit more dinosaur-esque.

the glass rain whale. kinda like the giant clay worm in that hardly anyone sees it, only when it rains glass over the sea (not the land) you can see it come out of the ocean and fly around. the meagre light of the moon makes it seem almost transluscent, like a ghost whale. it couldn't be the all-devouring narwhal bc it wouldn't make sense lore-wise, but it could be similar-looking.

pillar rats are- well, giant rats that live in the canyons and desert. they call them pillar rats because they climb up sheer cliffaces like it's nothing. also they can scratch through pretty much anything, and have very thick hides, so if you need warm clothes that's what you want to hunt

stonetusk hogs are the easiest animal to catch in the rainforest marshlands, but the meat isn't all that tasty. they're blind, like most other creatures. not that big. like- fucked up versions of genshin's boars.

praying goliaths are giant mantis-like mutant bugs that live in the rainforest. they're big big, like twice the size of a person big, and they're best avoided. you can tell where one passed through by the path of cut down vegetation they leave behind as they move, using their front legs as sharp scythes.

canyon rhinos live in both the canyons and the fog hollows. they're practically bulletproof, fuck-off ugly, and very dangerous. blind from overuse of moping ferns (that grow in the hollows) to hide the salt in their eyes. good food if you can catch them

wraith butterflies are around the water deposits and clay banks of the rainforest and always in the hunt for salt. they have sharp legs to perch on hosts and poisonous powder between their wings. yes they're the ones that make crying a bad idea.

stalkwalkers are the kings of the fog hollows and the reason why you don't go there if you're smart. i have mentioned plenty that they're physically inspired by made in abyss' turbinid-dragon (ryuuzazai?). basically a giant six-legged giraffe/seahorse looking thing. the stalkwalkers would have retractable harpoon-like stalks (stillettos) that they use to walk through the forest and to hunt. massive and blind, see through echolocation.

misc

the concentration of abyssal miasma would be a lot more forgiving around irminsul's roots. basically everything is just better around irminsul's roots, but because it's so nice there, most creatures also go there, so no. the wolflord has set up camp nearby also.

it's dark. like there's no light besides the lackustre light of the moon and the glowing moss in irminsul's roots, so all creatures see through either abyssal miasmic sight or a form of echolocation.

you can't plant foreign crops, the soil won't accept it

most root vegetables aren't safe to eat. rooties are though

there's bugs that fuck with your sleep cycles to weaken you

the sand is black

there's almost no fish in the ocean, so it's not worth it to stay on the shores

it's also not worth it to stay generally uncovered from the moon's light bc it has a weird-ass radiation, like the sun.

i think that's all i had? there's probably some bits and pieces of other things about how the abyss filters the miasma and how all creatures evolved to use it since it's the only available energy down there, but i think that's been repeated enough in the fics hahah

anyway yeah! hope that's what you meant. if not oh well, it was probably about time i compiled it all,,

[monkberryfields]

what are some of the reasons you love Paul so much??

Hello anon!

I was going to give a sort of joke answer to this but I figured I'll be serious for once in my life.

I really love Paul because I admire him for a lot of things. I think his dedication to music, his family, and to causes he really cares about is very admirable. Not like other celebrities aren't dedicated to things like this, but there's something that feels genuine about Paul and his sincerity comes out a lot in interviews. One of my favorite Paul interviews is this one idk the vibes are really cute with this interview. If I feel really down, I can put this on and feel much better. He's also just a cheeky bastard, and can be really mischievous and hilarious.

Also his love for Linda is something that has reinstated my ideas of true love and soul mates. Like not to get sappy but like the way he attempts to keep her memory alive to this day its just WAAAAAA!!! It makes my cold dead heart beat just a little. I mean just LOOK AT THEM ANON!!

Also, he just has a song for every mood. Like his songs are relatable and I also like how some of his songs feature mundane topics that whenever he writes them, it feels like the most amazing thing on earth.

Also I did cry in my car one night listening to "Warm and Beautiful" and I haven't been the same since.

I also think the guy is a literal musical genius but also humble at the same time. Like a lot of stuff we take for granted in popular music is stuff he and the Beatles did first and it's just remarkable! He's also not afraid to branch out and do things that people would find odd for musicians of his caliber like Broad Street, Rupert and the Frog Song, and the Liverpool Oratorio. I just think it's cool he branches out and did all sorts of genres, and like even his worst songs are better than most musician's entire discographies.

Please anon I could go on and on about why I love Paul, but I gotta stop or it becomes a ramble post lmao! Anyways, if anyone else has reasons why they love Paul, please add!! Thank you so much for the ask!!