#anyway this is my first Real Annoyed Mood about tumblr updates in a while

[nyctoheart]

The irony of tumblr changing its desktop layout to twitter is that staff has been saying "we need to change for the majority of the new user; the minority of long-time users just need to deal with it" when its probably the long-time users who use desktop the most bar-none.

I have so many friends who made a tumblr since covid who say "I literally don't even know what tumblr looks like on desktop". New users don't even change their desktop themes because they don't even know that is a feature. because they're always on mobile

[ackerfics]

I was maybe 14 when I first made a tumblr and got into fanfics. I was never in to chick flicks but I read a shit ton of romantic fics, so my standards really sky rocketed djshdsj expecting everything to be giddy happy and every moment poetic and fic worthy.

I got in to uni and completely stopped using tumblr and reading fics. Anyway, there was this boy (N) from class I never really liked since orientation. One day in one of our classes, he sat next to me. As the class went on, he randomly told me that my accent was quite obvious and smirked teasingly. I got really defensive, not sure why but I didn’t want people to know I came from the province. I got really annoyed because I feel exposed. He always sat next to me, talking my ear off, asked art supplies from me, always asking for paper, pens, making me fucking listen to Usher and got irritating.

We wound up in the same group of friends and the two of us magically became best friends. Got coffee, walked to school together, made homework together. He would buy me snacks and ask me to go out in the middle of class just to hand it over. At one point he told me I’ll never get into a serious relationship, ofc I laughed and agreed but I wouldn’t admit that that offended me. Jokes on him, I started dating this guy from one of our classes. We dated for about 7 months but called it off. I cried and (N) was the first one I called.

(N) liked this girl from one of his classes that he would not shut the fuck up about. Talked about her during our facetime nights, got annoyed and asked him why won’t he just fucking ask her out. 1 month later, he won the girl over and got in to a relationship. And that made me happy for him—but a part of me felt unsettled. We still hung out with our friends but this time with his plus one. It hurt to see them. I tried to avoid him and would ask my friends if he’d be where we’re hanging out. He still walked me to my bus stop everytime I head home.

Not sure when, but it hit me like a fucking truck when I realized I had feelings for him.

It’s hard to get over someone if you’re in the same circle of friends lmao Anyway, this has gotten longer. Sorry. But he and his girl broke up after 2 years. At senior year, we were both hanging out at his dorm waiting for our friends, laughing and the next thing I know he was looking me in the eyes, cupping my face with his hand and started to slowly lean in for a kiss and met him halfway and kissed back, thinking I was a clown for thinking I got over him for the past year.

We’re both 26 years old now and still happily together. I always wanted my love life to be like the fanfics I read DKSKDHAHA what I got was quite far, though. The journey was hilarious but I loved every moment of it. I’m 26, and I’m back in Tumblr and reading fics because I still need that different kind of kilig from 2D men 😌 I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I sometimes wish some of the scenes I read happened to me LOL my bf knows I read your fic TPT and other multichap fics and would often ask if there’s an update lmao

That’s all! Just want to share my experience of expectations of a fanfic vs real life love. Have an amazing day Rory! I’m sure whoever finds you and decides to love you and you reciprocating their feelings, will be the luckiest to have you. I hope they love and cherish every bit and fiber of you as you deserve 🌷

🌷 anon, the whole time i was reading this, idk why, but i was smiling like crazy aaaaaa i'm so happy you two got together in the end --- it felt so fulfilling on my part while reading what you shared bc the way your story with your partner flowed was like something from a movie i'd definitely watch :<< i'm so happy you shared this with me aaaaaa it was so wholesome and it's so nice to witness people find the ones who love them the most <333 this might be the hopeless romantic in me talking but my heart always becomes this warm, gushy mess whenever i hear love stories like these --- seeing people in love gets me in this fluffy mood and it makes me so giddy 🦋 i never experienced anything close to that and i'm not rushing anything yet (even tho most of my peers already found the ones they'll treasure eternally --- i think :>> ) but the end of your ask just gave me butterflies --- pure iridescent ones that i associate with extreme happiness. i hope i find someone the way you and partner found each other (generally speaking). 🌷 anon, you are a treasure and thank you for gracing my blog with this huge part of your life <33 may you have an awesome day or night !! stay hydrated and healthy, ily <3

[nicole-goddessofloki]

“You Animal!” (Chapter of my first McDanno story)

(I just updated with the 5th chapter) This is the 4th chapter of my first McDanno story: Valentine’s Day in Hawaii. And after I saw the final, I’m working on 2 fix-it stories. I’m already liking those stories more than this one, but will continue this one anyway.

Summary story:

Danny received a mysterious Valentine’s card, however much time for figuring out who sent it, he doesn’t get when duty calls. Also Steve is acting strange. Would they finally admit what they are truly feeling for each other? This low-key Valentine’s day might be the perfect occasion for that..

I will post here a small part of the 4th chapter. This 4th chapter is a bit N S F W but for the N S F W part you have to continue reading on Ao3 ;).

“Have you found out who sent you the Valentine’s card yet?���

Danny coughed as Steve’s comment had gotten him close from choking in his food. “You know, I really don’t care who sent it. It’s probably from a joker like Sang Min anyway. If you hadn’t brought it up I totally had forgotten about that stupid damn card!” Danny reacted a bit annoyed.

Like he usual does, Steve waved his hands up in the air. “You can’t be serious.. Sang Min? That’s an insult to the actual sender..” Steve sounded offended.

“I didn’t say Sang Min sent it, I was just making an example,” Danny continued. “Can we drop the card thing now, please?”

Chapter 4: “You Animal!”

Because Danny got home early, he offered to help Steve preparing dinner. When Steve reassured that it wasn’t necessary, Danny reminded himself of the fact that the two of them together in the kitchen was destined to end in disaster anyway. Steve told him to sit down, so after grabbing himself a beer, he did.

“Where’s my beer?” Steve asked after he served dinner. Danny was about to jump into a defensive mood but then he noticed the beer bottle inside Steve’s apron’s pocket. Steve winked, grabbed it out and sat himself down. “What’s with the outfit?” he asked.

Steve referred to the tie Danny wore. A loose tie fell out of Danny’s closet while he took the blouse out he now wore. For some reason, Danny decided to wear it. However, he knew his partner from like the back of his hand so he should have seen the commentary coming..

“The tie?” Steve continued.

“Can’t I never wear a tie? It’s evening,” Danny responded. He shook his head and shoved the pasta swirled around his fork inside his mouth.

“You actually look like you’re on a real date..” Steve shared. He gave Danny a nervous smile while he tried not to get distracted by the blonde’s way of slurping the spaghetti in and licking the red sauce from his lips. “Have you found out who sent you the Valentine’s card yet?”

Danny coughed as Steve’s comment had gotten him close from choking in his food. “You know, I really don’t care who sent it. It’s probably from a joker like Sang Min anyway. If you hadn’t brought it up I totally had forgotten about that stupid damn card!” Danny reacted a bit annoyed.

Like he usual does, Steve waved his hands up in the air. “You can’t be serious.. Sang Min? That’s an insult to the actual sender..” Steve sounded offended.

“I didn’t say Sang Min sent it, I was just making an example,” Danny continued. “Can we drop the card thing now, please?”

“Sure.” Steve shrug. “Whatever you want, Sunshine. How’s the pasta?”

(Okay here’s the whole chapter because when I try to post links, Tumblr kicks my post off the McDanno tag?? The next chapter is already posted on Ao3, FF & wattpad. See my previous post I haven’t deleted yet, it’s not showing up in the McDanno tag.. )

This was amazing!” Danny pointed at his place. “You’re a good cook, we both are. It’s a shame we sold the restaurant to Kamekona,” he shared. “What’s for dessert?”

A/N: Warning: It get's a little smutty here!

A few hours later:

After dinner the men continued their ‘date’ with a movie night. Many beers later, they both sat sacked out on the couch. Danny did his best following the movie, but the movements happening next to him, as flashes in his eye corner they were distracting him from doing so. Several times Steve turned his head, staring at Danny frowning. “What? Is there something on my face?” Danny turned to Steve.

“No, there’s something on your chest..” Steve mysteriously said. “You look ridiculous with that tie, you know that?” Steve continued, laughing.

Danny rolled his eyes. “Don’t..”

“Take it off..” Steve spoke. Now, he did no effort in hiding his feelings as his lustrous eyes were already giving it away.

Suddenly Danny’s interest for the movie had decreased, it was not like he was able to follow the movie anyway. “What?”

“Take off your shirt!” Steve clarified, now with a louder voice.

Danny grabbed the remote and turned off the tv. “What the hell is the matter with you?” He pointed his whole focus at Steve now who had his glassy drunk eyes focused onto Danny’s chest.

With one single gulp, Steve drank the rest of his beer before dumping the empty bottle on the table in front of him. Then he tried to grab Danny by the tie.

Rapidly, Danny stood up and pushed Steve aside. “What are you doing?” Danny crossed his arms in front of his chest. The next thing Danny witnessed was Steve standing up followed by taking off his own shirt. As Steve's well trained upper body was revealed, Danny swallowed. "Jeez, what's in your beer?" he managed to bring out a few moments later.

“I can’t take this anymore..” Steve hissed, grabbing Danny’s tie again. He pushed the blonde against the wall as he pulled the tie off. Then he wildly ripped Danny’s blouse open.

Danny let it happen for a moment as he was hardly capable of breathing. “Steve.. You’re dru..” he panted but got roughly cut off when Steve pressed his lips on his, dragging Danny into the deep, rough kiss they both had fantasized about multiple times. In the end it was Steve who under the influence of alcohol, gave in on one of his deepest desires. He had one hand buried into Danny’s hair and with the other one he wrapped Danny’s waist tight, greedily claiming what he wanted to be his.

They shared a passionate but sultry kiss until it was broken off by Danny. He breathed deeply as if he just got robbed from breathing almost too long. Steve took a deep breath too and let his hands glide through Danny’s hairy chest. “Steve..” Danny panted in Steve’s neck. “You sure you want this...?”

As an answer Steve pressed his body against Danny’s tighter. He enjoyed to finally have the blonde pinned between him and the wall. He grinned when Danny escaped a small moan when feeling Steve’s erection growing in his thighs. “I think that answers your question. What about you, Danno?”

“Yes, I want this but you’re drunk and I’m starting to get pretty.. wasted too..” Danny brought out with deep moans as Steve was kissing and sucking his neck.

“I wouldn’t.. make out with a man.. if I didn’t longed for it..” Steve softly spoke between the kisses. “I’m not that drunk!” He let his hands slid and started to open Danny’s belt.

“Hey! Not here, you animal!” Danny waved Steve’s greedy hands out of the way. “My bedroom or your bedroom, I don’t care.. but not here in the living room, okay?” he said with a sober voice but his heart was pouring like crazy.

“My bedroom.” Steve panted and started to kiss Danny again. Roughly he pressed his tongue inside as he guided Danny upstairs, towards his bedroom.

“Easy, easy..” Danny groaned between the kisses. While Steve opened the bedroom’s door by grabbing its handle, he accidentally stepped on Danny’s toe. “Ow! Animal..”

“You’re gonna experience a whole new perspective of that name,” Steve showed Danny a guilty grin after pushing the blonde on the bed. Then he rushed himself out of his pants. “One you’re gonna love..”

[thewebcomicsreview]

Homestuck 2 Liveblog, Part 3 

(See older parts here or on Tumblr here)

Chapter 3: How Are your feelings

We’ve got a new ship, which appears to have sails for some reason, and it’s either rocketing forward with determination, or crashing. Presumably, this is the ship containing the Meatworld Crew, who set out to rescue Rose from Dirk’s mind control. God, this plot is so complicated.

In anyone else’s hands, this is just a microphone. In my hands it’s a pipe boat. 

The one spoiler I had for this chapter was that the ship design was stupid, and...yes. That says “Grandpa Harley” a lot more than the Theseus did, though I don’t think Canon Jake ever smoked.

Oh boy, the narration text is in the first person. It’s also lowercase, so one presumes this is Calliope, in Jade’s body? I thought Calliope was trying to maintain the role of invisible narrator, though, and she’s calling attention to herself more obviously than any of the other narrators.

Me on my way to steal your girl by possessing her and floating around all creepy for three years

JADE: the prince’s power grows.

KARKAT: JESUS CHRIST!

Heh. This art is really nice. Jade’s speaking in Calliope’s red text, so she is indeed possessed by Calliope. Poor Jade. Homestuck proper is 8,192 pages. The epilogue is 100,000 words, and we’re 100 pages into Homestuck 2. Jade has been stuck on a boat, possessed, unconscious, dead,possessed again, or otherwise out of the story since Cascade, all the way back on page 4,109. No wonder she became a hedonist. Of course, who’s fault is it that Jade missed the final battle.

(From Homestuck 1). 

I always read this as foreshadowing that Jade would get a big moment, and it never happened. Hopefully someone on the writing team remembers that Jade is supposed to roar to life and show everyone who’s the real master. But for now, alas, the real master is Calliope, hypocritically fighting for the free will of all by taking Jade out of the story again. Anyway, that was a long tangent and a lot of search (give me back the .txt file of the whole comic, Viz!) back to Homestuck 2.

Oh hey, DaveKat is canon now, I forgot. It’s mildly annoying that Dave and Calliope are in the same scene with the same text color, but whatev.

Aww, Karkat’s wearing Dave’s shirt. How cute. Less cute: Calliope’s added her red to Jade’s outfit, including her logo. She’s really just as evil as Dirk, isn’t she?

Also, I don’t know if this sprite style quite works for a “leaning up in bed pose”

This just looks odd. Probably doesn’t help that we’re see Dave without shades for I believe the first time ever.

KARKAT: OH, PARDON THE FUCK OUT OF ME FOR OVERREACTING A LITTLE WHEN MY GOOD FRIEND "POSSESSED JADE" BUSTS INTO MY RESPITEBLOCK AT 5 AM!

Aw, I missed this, a Karkat tantrum.

I like this dynamic. But if they’ve been on this boat as long as Dirk has been on his, Jade’s been possessed for three years.

Why are Dirk and Calliope’s powers growing, though? Especially Calliope, shouldn’t she be maxed out by now? She literally ate Lord Engl-

....

Oh

Calliope is powerful enough to escape Candyland because she ate Lord English, and Lord English is partially comprised of Dirk, so there’s quite literally a little bit of Dirk inside Calliope right now. That’s maybe something to keep in the back of our minds, but now I’m theorycrafting. 

The only way twenty-somethings can afford an apartment this night is if they live somewhere with a killer commute, which is why it takes three years to get anywhere

Okay, phew. So this Roxy is trans, but the Roxy on Candyland isn’t. That’s something I’m going to have to be careful to remember lest I use the wrong pronoun for the wrong one and everyone gets mad at me.

Dirk, like the coffee, getting roasted here

So, has this crew not been chasing Dirk for three years, or has Dave just been all “I sure am comfortable with you being trans now” incessantly from age 23 to age 26? I guess that’s pretty in-character for him. Everyone seems to not be used to a situation they should be used to be now so far, but maybe that’s just for our benefit as readers who can’t remember all this nonsense? 

I love how Kanaya the Fashion Troll is basically the only character in the entire franchise to go “Fuck I haven’t been onscreen in over ten years I should change my look”. The big bow is Rose’s from way back when her and Kanaya first met, which is a cute nod. 

Okay I get that they want to remind these things to the reader, but Dave. Dude. She’s your sister-in-law. She’s been your sister-in-law for 7 to 10 years depending on how long you’ve been on that boat and she’s been a vampire that whole time. Someone give this boy a set of flash cards, Jesus Christ! 

OBVIOUS FORESHADOWING ALERT: This story is about a “young prince”, and this is going to be a metaphor. The young prince is Dirk, the Prince of Time, and the Rose is....Rose. 

Aww, this is cute. I should have put on Kanaya’s Theme while reading this, it fits the mood of the scene really well.

Oh man, none of these people know John’s dead

fffffffffffffffff

Okay, so that’s 7 years between the end of Homestuck 1 and the Homestuck Epilogues. Dirk’s been on his boat for three years, but we’re with the Meat Crew at the start of their journey, (which means Roxy only recently came out as trans, which I guess makes it less weird that Dave is still processing it).

But god, this is a lot of timelines to keep track of. I guess it’s fun in a way, being intensely convoluted was part of the fun of trying to piece together Homestuck 1′s plot, but I think I’m this close to busting out a white board where and how old everyone is actually fuck it

God as my witness, I will one day have a vague understanding of what the fuck is going on in Homestuck and I will die trying! 

This seems metatextual, in that the characters are more complete when they have like a goal and stuff. Or it might be the Homestuck 2 writers taking a subtle jab at the Epilogue writers, that everyone’s better off having left the epilogues behind and moving on to Homestuck 2. That might be reading too much into it. 

Of course, as soon as I say that we cut from Dave talking about how everything’s better to Karkat talking about how everything’s worse.

Wait, non-god Calliope is on the ship? UGH, the whiteboard already needs to be updated! The epilogues implied she was too scared of god-Calliope to leave her room, so I’d assumed she’d stayed behind. Damn it.

Heh. Also: Huh? Karkat is making a lot of assumptions here, given that Terezi, Sollux, and Aradia are all alive, he never saw Gamzee die, and Vriska dying just made her more powerful.

And that’s the update! I like these character interactions, even though they’re mostly just sitting around and naval-gazing like in Act 6 and the epilogues, because at least it’s got some jokes it feels like it’s all going somewhere. And starting next month, it’s going to be going there twice as fast

[iwannawritepls]

Writing Update 04?

So much is happening. Like gosh.

Welcome back to me not using paragraphs correctly!!

So! We have 17ish chapters now which is like woah.

It took me much much too long to write but now we’re on 50k!!! we got there folks and I can confidently say that I will most likely have 20 chapters with around 54-55k words as I predicted. Is it weird that um feeling super melancholy about that??

But on the positive side there will be another book after this because uhhh there’s too much to wrap up in just one.

I wrote and deleted chapter 14 over and over again but now I have something I'm proud of at lastttttt! I realised after talking about it to some friends that

1) I skipped something huge by accident  

2) In the first few versions of chapter 14 there was no climax to what was happening

3) I was adding things but at that point I should’ve started to answer them

So we fixed it up and now she’s pretty damn cool. The second half of the chapter still needs a little bit of editing until I can become happy with it but oh well.

I also edited chapter 15 so they’re ready for the most part but the last 2 need basically a rewrite for them because they’re soooo bad. I shouldn’t measure by words but generally for a fist version of a chapter I write anywhere between 800 and 1000 words and then I manage, through editing, to make it become somewhere between 1500 and 4500 which is a big leeway but it really just depends on what’s happening.

There’s something huge that happens in chapter 17 but I only wrote 459 words for it because it was 2 in the morning and I wanted to get it done before I tried to sleep. Inevitably it was quite bad. Chapter 16 is the same but thankfully that’s 914 words so there’s something more to work with. Yayyyyy.

Needless to say, I will not be including excerpts from them in this.

So chapter titles?

Chapter 13 - Metamorphosis of a Blizzard

Chapter 14 - Curtain Call (subject to change)

Chapter 15 - Kingfisher Flurry

Chapter 16 – Catgut Bindings

Chapter 17 – AHHHHHHHHH (this is 100% changing I just needed to put something and I was freaking out)

Oh, oh and! I have a proper actual name for the book! Sisyphus Lies on Unmade Beds. How suitably edgy.

There are so many references to Greek mythology that the title fits and it can link to all of them in some way, so I thought why not. There’s #symbolism to it all. And who isn’t a fan of accidental symbolism you find halfway through your book.

What happens??

Chapter thirteen is a long-waited apology from Bas to the one person who deserves it most. We find out about someone vaguely important for the next book as well as a character that maybe might have his own little book of his own.

Chapter fourteen includes our boy Sebastian coming along and helping by not helping at all!! Yay…but really what else is new, his motives don’t align with the boy’s and so we shouldn’t expect him to be helpful in any way.

Chapter fifteen is a dangerous thing…out dude the devil makes an appearance. For those who’ve listened to the magnus archives or watched Everyman Hybrid I tried to emulate Michael/Habit in it but it hasn’t really worked out yet. I'm getting there but I'm not at terrifying levels of suave. When writing characters that are so powerful they could murder you with a single flick o’ the wrist you are treading a careful line between edginess and not threatening at all.

chapter sixteen is the fallout. If we follow the lovely 3 act structure we are at the darkest moment in chapter sixteen and chapter seventeen continues with that mood but follows through with the whole ‘hope’ thing. jk there’s no hope just crisis.

I find that I managed to actually keep to the 3-act structure naturally?? I'm a discovery writer so it’s a little more difficult for me to not meander off into the sunset/make everything happen much too fast. But I think pacing was okay in this as long as I keep track of the seasons – which I hope I did.

We have a few memes from dearest friends – kinda old but have them

And now,,,the excerpts!!

Everything felt like cotton was stuffed inside, swelling, and soaking through with excess fluid. Fluid that was still building in his lungs, he felt them pressing against his ribs and rubbing together eating away more at his already damaged body. Gorging on him, dissolving him, water couldn’t ever be full only overflow and so it would continue to erode his body to fit the ever-greater capacity he needed to hold.

He's not dying! I mean he is but not yet!! I feel so bad that Albert has spent more of this book sick than anything, but I feel like I'm constantly mentioning him and I don’t want people to get annoyed by him? idk I feel like someone would find him annoying and that he did nothing but whine – probably a carryover from the original book where he could’ve been beaten up by his own shadow. He can and does stand up for himself in this more than in the original but

They began to mend themselves in a way that neither Narcissus nor Prometheus could have foreseen. So maybe they weren’t quite butterflies or moths. Maybe instead they were snakes, the devil’s advocates turned serpentine after rebelling against God. But that meant that at least they could change again, shed their skin, and start afresh after mountains of pain and healing from accidental words fallen from temporarily false tongues.

Let’s play how many references to classic literature can you fit into one paragraph at least 4. One of which is Paradise lost. Because Greek mythology just wasn’t enough.

The old man shivered and croaked out a few more words so quiet that the wind ate them. The woman just stared at him with wide eyes before fleeing back to the cold.

This is the ending of a while thing from a book that Al’s reading. I kinda wished this book existed its got some of my favourite techniques in it and some of my favourite lines but this one was the only one I could just take without a pause for drama between Alberts reading.

Enoch wanted to skip the walk the moment he realised there wouldn’t be any talking, every single one of his steps was too slow, every single breath was too loud. Even as he tried to listen to the conversations of those they walked past, it was too distant and blurred for him to listen to in any kind of concordant manner.

My boy hates the quiet and I feel that

The very first promises of autumn began to chew on the leaves, She took each one into her embrace and changed the deep greens that summer left in His wake and transformed them into a cacophony of yellows, reds and oranges. She plucked the ripened ones from their cradles and pulled their colour from their grasp placing it on Her tongue and dropping the carcases into winters waiting hands.

This is kinda purple and I had just read Der Sandmann so I was super into the vibe of it. I referenced it more originally before editing it so now all we have is a very slight call back if you know the story that you can vaugly make if you try.

Nature was so simple and yet beautiful, complicatedly captivating.

William is yearning

“Enoch.” Basil called out

“it wasn’t me!” he replied holding his hands up “I came out here to get him a new hat, it was Valentine that dragged him in.” he held up a lily pad with a grin.

“where is Valentine?”

“probably wrestling the heron.” He replied wading towards the shoreline.

Just some fun from them because you all need to see that they can be friends I swear.

A man was stood in the middle of the flurry, he stepped through them as if they were nothing but a reflection on the glassy water.

And that’s all for chapter fifteen I think unless there’s something at the end because I know people who read this irl and they haven’t gotten any of this yet. So I don’t want to ruin things but I also want to give you all things so it’s a struggle.

because you cannot help the diseases in your mind

this is something I wish I heard more often so here. You’re super awesome and the dude who said this is big brain mode.

But yeah that’s all. I probably won’t update again until I'm done and even then it’ll be one I’ve sent the last chapters to my friends so that they can read it and I can talk about the plot for real because I’ve been vague for spoiler reasons outside Tumblr.

I love these guys so much, but I'm excited to begin something newer y’know? I want to stay in this world, but I want to follow different characters before I go back to these guys because they are dysfunctional as all hell.

Anyway, I’ll talk more about that later. Until next time!!

Hope you have a nice dayyy!!!

[dragonindigo245]

Project [Redacted]

Heyo!!! This is a WIP story I'm doing with the amazing @pawton-meowity! Hope you enjoy! The odd numbered chapters will be posted on their Tumblr while the even ones will be on mine. Feel free to request to be added to the tag list for updates! Thanks! 💚🖤💚

Tw: Tramatic flashbacks

————

Chapter 4: P.O.V of Virgil

“I have just the thing for you.” I felt the inside of my hoodie pocket with a smile creeping across my face. Logan raised an eyebrow as I pulled out what they would probably assume to be a bracelet.

“I have a few extra of these. They hide your powers from detectors at the cost of nullifying them. As long as they don’t know your face then they won’t know it’s you they’re after. Course you’ll probably have to wear long sleeves to hide them because the uh.. ‘burn brothers’ know what they are. You’re alright Princey but Logan and Patton need to wear a hoodie or something.” When I explained this, Patton sucked in a large breath of air and fiddled with his hands.

“Ah well… that’s a problem… you see I’m in nursing school so we kinda… ya know… need our sleeves up sometimes.”

Well shit. This is going to be harder than I thought. I pondered for a few moments debating over to risk it and have him wear the nullifier unless he was doing hands on stuff or to have him go without until I can build him one to go somewhere else than his wrist. Course life isn’t just simple enough to let us get away with this. Of fucking course it isn’t.

“Language Virge!! My my, your mind is like the plague!” Remus said amused.

Gee thanks Remus. Totally needed that.

“You’re welcome! Seriously though! Nasty boy... I love it!” I rolled my eyes at this and decided to go with the first option.

“Alright Pat, just take off the nullifier when you need to do something like that. Otherwise it needs to stay on. That goes for you too, Logan. Do NOT take it off unless you need to hide it. If you take it off then you can and will be spotted. You’ll be surprised how they can find you.”

Patton and Logan both nodded in agreement. Thankfully they were easier to work with than Princey. I stood up and walked across the room to the dresser I had full of gadgets. Agh I can never remember which drawer they’re in. Nope that one's teleporters… weaponry… there we go. I pulled an extra nullifier out and closed the drawer. Patton received the one I had in my hoodie pocket while Logan got the one from the dresser.

“Keep alert. The nullifier can only do so much. There are other ways of finding you they can exploit. Do not use technology to talk about your powers unless you’re in need of help. Do not talk to anyone you do not trust about your powers. And above all do not use your powers outside of the forest or your rooms. They have eyes everywhere.” Patton nodded slowly and slightly spooked.

“What… what do we do if we get found out? I don’t want another… Logan incident. I’m sure none of us want to get… s-shot at.” This poor kid really shouldn’t be in this mess of all people. He looked ready to crumble.

“If you’re found out we’ll drop whatever we are doing and come to your location but… if you are found out then you’re either going to get captured or you’re going to have to hide for the rest of your life.” Patton winced and pulled his legs to his chest. Logan, on the other hand, seemed deep in thought but otherwise unphased. He was evidently hard to scare.

The room sat in an uncomfortable silence (minus Remus humming) for a little while. I was frankly shocked more over Roman keeping his mouth shut for so long. Well that can be used to lighten the mood at least.

“No witty comment from Disney Wince? Finally coming to grips with the reality of our situation?” I moved over to my original spot on the couch and watched Roman try to form a sentence.

“I… Can I ask… no scratch that. I-” Remus cut in, highly energetic but clearly a bit frazzled.

“Oooo! You wanna know what would happen if any of you three got captured? Well first they-” Thankfully Dee shut Remus down real quick by holding a finger up to Remus’s mouth. Thank god, I don’t want to think about that.

“Virgil Nimbus… age 21… how the hell did this kid get in here?”

“He snuck in to free some of our subjects. He almost got subjects D3D31T and R3M7 out. Luckily we got one of our men to shoot him before he did any real damage. He should be waking up soon.”

“Good. We needed more participants.”

“Ah there he is! Hello Virgil. We have a lot to discuss. For starters… how did you get in here? Don’t bother trying to fight, our truth serum is very good at its job.”

“I… I disguised myself as one of the soldiers.”

“Mhm… well we can’t have that happening anymore. Prepare the machines!!! Don’t worry Virgil. After some time you’ll learn to accept this. Some results even showed patients growing numb to it if they’re lucky.”

Can’t think. Stupid drug thing. What’s happening?

“Attach ‘em to him and be sure it’s not so high he blacks out immediately. There’s a point to this and we mustn’t let it go to waste.”

Strapped. Can’t move.

“Don’t bother to fight it Virgil. You’ll be mostly immobile for the whole session.”

Weird things. Attaching to me.

“We’re ready to begin.”

“Good, on my mark. Three… two… one… begin.”

“Agh sorry. I know I shouldn’t ask that out of nowhere… I mean… was it bad? I don’t want my friends to get hurt or have an unfortunate demise.” Roman attempted to correct himself, the words bringing me back to the present as I stifled a gasp. Remus shoved Deceit’s hand away and waved him off.

“Ehhhh they won’t kill ya unless you threaten their lives! Don’t exclude yourself though! They would gladly take you in if they knew you were working with supes! Look at Virgey here!” Remus placed a hand on my arm which made me flinch probably more than he was expecting. He immediately removed his arm and shot me an apologetic look before perking back up like normal. His apologies weren’t exactly the best but at least he cared… as best as he could anyways.

My mind tuned the conversation out to jumbled noises. I just couldn’t deal with anything so… extra right now. I inserted random song lyrics into my head to get my mind off of this. Thankfully I had a few songs memorized and shuffled through those to drown out my other intrusive thoughts.

Hey edgelord, sorry to intrude on your thoughts (not really) but they’re talking about how they’ve missed a class and are working their way towards the whole “we gotta go” sentence.

Crap.

“I’m probably in a decent amount of trouble myself. We should consider leaving… wherever we are to head back. Thank you for your hospitality, you three. I would like to inquire how we make our way back.” Logan pushed. I stretched and turned to the nerd. “We’re on campus. We actually go to your college ourselves. It isn’t hard to figure out where exactly we are.”

Princey stood up dramatically and bowed. “Well then we bid you good tidings weirdos. We shall grant you our phone numbers and depart!” I rolled my eyes and smirked.

“Wow. I thought you couldn’t get more extra but boy was I wrong. You surprise me by being an annoying, spoiled kid.”

Roman made a noise that could only be described as an offended drama queen half gasp, half screech. Honestly I don’t even know how his vocal cords allow him to do that. “EXCUSE me? Annoying?!? Kid?!? How dare you! I am neither of those! Just because you have your fancy gadgets and knowledge on the comic book villains doesn’t mean you can undermine my glory, Cruella De Vile!”

“Notice how he didn’t say he wasn’t spoiled…” Logan mumbled under his breath.

“Did you insult me, Specs or are you siding with the honorable Roman?”

“Guys! Stop fighting! Come on!” Patton intervened. “Let’s just be friends and get prepared to leave! We already missed choir practice and I need to get ready for my final class! You all do too!”

Roman sighed and said something inaudible, most likely an apology. “Let’s just hand over our numbers and get outta here. I don’t think I can be in the same room as Captain Shook and still have enough edgy nicknames left.” I rolled my eyes and grabbed my phone out of my pocket.

“Yeah yeah, you just wanna leave because I can knock you and your ego down a few notches.” I pulled up my phone number, ignoring Princey and his new offended noises. I handed him my phone and he whipped his out while glaring at me. Yeah that’s about what I expected. He finally handed my phone back and shoved his in a pocket.

“I added Patton and Logan in already. You can text me their numbers later.” Roman hiked a thumb in Dee and Remus’s direction on his usage of the word ‘their,’ before turning back to his friends, “Come on you two. Thanks for backing me up LOGAN.” Logan didn’t indulge Roman by saying anything and instead helped Patton off the couch.

“Thank you so much everyone! It was nice to meet you all! I just wish we could have met under better conditions!” Patton said cheerfully. Everyone said their goodbyes and left the three of us like I preferred. Nobody but the ones I could trust.

“Greetings Virgil! How are we today?”

“...”

“Ah. That is a beautiful silence. Maybe today will be the day you can get your special abilities! Wouldn’t that be exciting?”

“...”

“Well not exciting for you I suppose but you’ve learned that by now. Do you have anything to say before we begin?”

“...”

“I didn’t think so. Proceed as normal.”

Hey. Virgil. Snap out of it buddo.

“Wait… please… I’ll do whatever you want.”

“Excellent. Cancel that last order. A willing subject is a loyal subject. Isn’t that right Virgil?”

Virge! Hey! Damn it, get out of your head.

“...”

“Now then. The real fun begins. Get him strapped down and prepare for trial number one.”

VIRGIL!

I jolted out of my thoughts to find myself on the floor with Dee crouching down to me. Didn’t know how I ended up here but I didn’t particularly want to know.

“Thank you Remus.” Dee said to where I assume Remus was. Dee moved to sit next to me and wrap an arm around my shoulder. I wasn’t not grateful for that but something made me flinch away. Dee recoiled his arm immediately with an apology.

We sat quietly before Dee turned to me with a serious expression. “Virgil. You should talk to us about this. You haven’t told us anything that we can use to help you. We know they’re-”

“It’s fine.”

“You’re on the floor.”

I shrugged and pulled my knees up to my chest. “It’s still fine. I can handle it.”

Dee glared but didn’t push farther. Instead he pushed the subject to a different one. “You know… with an extra three that does mean…”

“No. No way. We are not doing that.”

“I’m just saying it’s an option.”

“We’re not going to put them in danger like that. You saw what they would do to them. They’re scared enough as is.”

“And if we don’t take the chance you know they’ll get caught. They all do.”

“They won’t stand a chance fighting them either. They aren’t experienced in fighting obviously.”

“Virgil… Is this really even about them or are you just afraid?”

“I’m NOT afraid. I’m over that.”

“Just think about it.”

Dee stood up and took a worried glance at me again before leaving the room. I was alone again with nobody but my thoughts.

“Hey… You’re the one who tried to free us that one night.”

“...”

“I have a plan to release everyone in here. It won’t be simple but we can do it. Are you in?”

“...”

“Look… I know they are… intimidating but we can get out of here. My names-”

[wannawrite]

Colourless [ pt.4 ]

who?: Wanna One’s Park Woojin 

genre: 🌺🌸 

type: scenario, short series 

word count: 1.6K part one | part two | part three part four / ? blog navigator. • soulmate! AU • you live in a colourless world and you will until you meet your soulmate, they’re supposed to brighten up your life • one day, you can finally see in colour but….he can’t I never thought that Colourless was going to be such a popular series. Some of you guys messaged us to update it 😂 Y'all cute, I see you so…here we go. The fourth instalment of Colourless. Tumblr messed up my original format above, if you’re wondering. - Admin L 

Latte or vanilla bean frappe? Chocolate or strawberry smoothie? 

You wanted to cry, standing in the line for a taste of On Cloud Nine’s - the best and only sugar filled cafe on campus -wonderful treats.

It had become a tradition of some sort, every week, one of the clique members would do the snack run. This - particularly hectic - week, to get things off your mind, you volunteered. At least this would take your thoughts off certain matters for a short yet refreshing time. 

The crushed piece of paper had messy scribbles of your friends’ orders, crumpled because of your nerves and the dilemma you were facing. 

Coffee or smoothie? That’s the first question I should be asking myself. You were tempted to rip out a good chunk of your hair in frustration. Both drinks were equally delicious, just thinking about them was enough to make your mouth water. Both were your fixed picks, but maybe it was time to try something new. Coffee, smoothie, or should I get an iced tea? You wrinkled your nose at the thought of ice. What a great idea, a crushed ice drink in this miserably wet and cold weather. Worry began to build up when you snaked up the queue and finally, there was only one girl ahead of you. Your mind still had not been made up. The pastel walls and soft, neon sign decor did nothing to calm your nerves. From one corner, the pink flamingo statue seemed to be judging you. ��Hi! Welcome to On Cloud Nine, how can I help-“ “I’ll have one of whatever she’s having,” you blurted out without thinking. “And, um, one butterfly pea tea uh, warmed…, a banana and almond muffin and one…Thai milk tea with…seventy-five percent sugar, no ice, e-exactly two teaspoons of milk…and one cinnamon stick?” Your face turned bright red after reading out that ridiculous order in public. Whatever concoction you ordered was really questionable, you were mentally re-evaluating your choice of friends. In that moment, you wanted nothing more than for the ground to swallow you up. Surprisingly, the barista had complied and added precisely one whole stick of cinnamon in the tea. It puzzled you as cinnamon in Thai milk tea did not sound exactly…fitting. Your drink was one that was much more appetising, God bless the girl in front of you who ordered hot chocolate with extra marshmallows. One sip was all it took to make you feel warm and fuzzy. Hot chocolate was energising, soulful, truly a comfort food. Just as you were packing to leave and head back to your friends, a rush of cool Autumn breeze filled the small coffee house, causing your body to unintentionally shiver. However, the real reason that a shocking bolt spread down your back was not because of the weather, but because of who entered On Cloud Nine. You could say you were on cloud negative nine or so, mood dampened by a downpour. A clique stepped into the store. Not just your own clique but another group of friends trailed behind. A familiar pair of hazel eyes bore into the sides of your face, you refused to turn your head to meet his gaze. You pursed your lips, guard raised but dread and puzzlement flooded you. Sensing your obvious shock and confusion, Elkie stepped forward to squeeze your hand encouragingly. She also took the bag of snacks away from you to settle into a nearby booth. You nearly missed the words that emitted from Woojin’s mouth since he said them in such a small voice as if he too was dreading this meeting. Yet, there was some sort of underlying, camouflaged hope and anticipation in his tone. “We need to talk.” 

Oh, the irony. Despite the glittered splashed walls and fairyland decor in On Cloud Nine, the atmosphere felt like one in a horror movie, or better yet, it felt as if this scene took place in a dystopian planet, foreign from the one you knew. You took a long sip of your hot cocoa, savouring the heat and bitterness of the dark chocolate, in a twisted way, it resembled your mood. The warmth stung your tongue, the bitter aftertaste of the eighty-five percent cocoa chocolate only increased the tension, yet, you welcomed it. Maybe it was some sort of indicator to make sure you were alive, that this was reality and not some nightmare. You knew you had been putting off meeting Woojin for the longest time but there was no other way around this sticky situation. Bae Jinyoung - a classmate from chemistry - was experiencing one right across your booth. He visibly winced as Lee Daehwi attempted to rip the gigantic rainbow swirled lollipop off the edge of his best friend’s  boyfriend’s  fringe. Such a sweet romance. You sighed dreamily, wishing the same for you - even if your somewhat non-existent love life claimed otherwise. “Let’s set the record straight.” Jiwoo finally broke the choking silence. “Woojin, please explain your side of the story.” In reply, the dancer shrugged. “I don’t know what’s happening myself.” “She wants to know if you can see colours,” Im Youngmin elaborated, trying to keep his friend’s calmness intact. “I can’t.” The verbal confirmation shot into your heart and made it shatter into a billion crystal fragments like glass. Your grip on your mug tightened, sending a wave of déjà vu crashing over you. I can’t smash this mug, I’ll have to pay for it. Besides, hot chocolate is much better tasting than coffee. “Do you recognise… Y/N as your soulmate?” Elkie posed the other question, her lips pressed into a tight pout. She drummed her fingers on the table out of worry. Woojin’s jaw worked to form an answer but no words were projected. “I-I…I would if I could confirm it.” A shift was sensed in his mood, his eyes darkened, his tone deepened and the loudness of his charming voice increased. “How do I know you’re not playing with me right now?” He hissed, face reddening with fury. “You know this is a sensitive subject for me. Stop playing games with me!” A few curious glares were sent in his general direction but he did not exactly pay them any mind. Woojin rarely showed his temper, it came as a huge shock, but you expected him to flare up anyway. In his shoes, you would too. A part of you pitied him, he was really missing out on a great person for a soulmate. “It’s fine. It’s whatever. Let’s go,” you beckoned, setting your mug back on the table and standing up to leave. Jiwoo caught your elbow before you could even take a step out of your seat. She let out an annoyed huff before tenderly shoving you into your chair again. “Listen,” she said in a low tone. “I’m not leaving until we settle this today.” Woojin opened his mouth to oppose but he quickly clamped it shut from the stares his hyungs shot him. “We can stay here until the cafe closes, I really don’t mind.” Jiwoo tapped her pen to her bottom lip, raising a brow, scanning for even the smallest sign of opposition. A sigh left Woojin’s mouth, he looked apologetic and defeated. “You know I wanted to talk,” he whispered meekly. “But I don’t think I can.” “That’s why we’re here,” Donghyun said matter-of-factly. “We’re here to facilitate the…discussion.” Youngmin nodded encouragingly, ruffling Woojin’s hair. “We know not much talking would occur if it was just both of you.” “Yeah,” Jiwoo giggled, suddenly regaining her bubbly personality. “More like a lot more lip-locking!” Her joke elicited laughs, be it embarrassed ones from yourself and your soulmate or amusing ones from your friends. The atmosphere loosened up, it felt like a fresh start. “So, hi. My name is Park Woojin, what’s yours?” 

“So 6pm? I’ll meet you outside your dorm block?” you confirmed, heart nearly racing out of your chest. Woojin nodded in reply, pushing his chair out as he stood. “I’ll see you then.” He appeared cool and collected but the second he thought you were no longer able to see him, he jumped and yelled in excitement. A date was the last thing he expected, probably not an activity he would have wanted to engage in when he thought about it but somehow, Woojin was anticipating tomorrow evening. He felt energising electricity zap him all over, much like when he was dancing to his favourite songs. Maybe it’s just the soulmate pull… Perhaps it was only that factor that attracted him but either way, Woojin was finally excited about action in his depressingly almost non-existent love life - he was never really enthusiastic about dating after Naomi anyway. Knowing he had a date set up brought a new feeling, a feeling that was oddly pleasant. One that was filled with hope, that things would work out, that he would solve this puzzle. Blame all the sugar in On Cloud Nine for Woojin’s mood switch and sudden hype. His mood definitely took a turn, for better or for worse was the question. He was a tad bit afraid as it had been a long while since he had gone on a date. Then, there was all that joy that was bubbling. You were not Naomi. You were a different person, someone he could get to know. Someone who he could potentially learn to trust, who he could enjoy times together.

You were a person that could hold his future. And of course, someone who could make his universe burst into colour for the very first time.

[sanguinesprout]

It’s been ever so rainy and cold lately... (gloomy feels and stuff about money, re-motivating myself and general updates)

I’m... gnnrgh... I’m sad. And confused. And tired. And feeling quite hopeless once more, why must it be so? Man, this sucks :<

I feel like I don’t know what I ‘m doing again and even though I know there’s stuff to do I keep distracting myself with pointless things and driving myself crazy with all the conflicted feelings and anxiety inside... The bouts of frustration and migraines are cropping up and spiralling outta control like nobody’s business and beating my down so badly ;^; 

It’s just there’s too much cooped up in my head. Too many things to worry about, too many things I want to say and do but I feel I can’t because of the fear trapping it all in and the pressure just continues to build up and it hurts and feels so constricted in my head, my heart and just everywhere. I wish I could gather my thoughts and just get things under control and running smoothly like other people can but it’s just so hard and so exhausting just trying. 

I need to stop and refocus myself, calm my mind and chest, c’mon I can do it..! I’m struggling now but I’ll be fine, I’ll find my way out of the storm and I’ll be able to see and breathe clearly again, it’s going to be okay... so don’t worry yourself so much, you're trying and that’s enough... *hugs self*

Welp... ran outta time to write and it became the next...next(?) day. Time meaning space to be all secretive and weird contemplative as my sis came home and I didn’t want to feel on edge. Why am I like this...? :< 

I got real sad again later, thinking and being reminded of my much less than ideal financial situation and joblessness got me in such a low mood. The loneliness and want for attention or some kind of reassurance or help kinda crawled out and just sat there too. Money is such a troublesome thing, I regret the times in the past where I whittled it almost completely away by frivolously buying unnecessary amounts of things of interest (probably to try cheer myself up). The happiness from material items is only temporary, fleeting and quickly forgotten. I’m such a wasteful person in so many ways orz. But I’ve learned from my mistakes! (Mostly... kinda... lol) So that’s something! :D

I’ve really been wanting to buy a new phone because mine is so old and dysfunctional in too many ways to list and I’ve been suffering with it for half a decade because I didn’t want to waste money or for my parents to waste their money on me. There were a few times in the past and even recently where I had a chance to get a new one or few times I did purchase a new phone but swiftly returned it either because I felt guilty about it or it just wasn’t right cause I’m so damn nit picky. I don’t want to keep waiting because I have done it so much already, waiting and missing opportunities... I don’t even know how to phrase what I’m trying to say or what even I am trying to say .__. 

Some people don’t even have a phone at all, it makes me feel like such a spoilt and horrible person but it really is in need of replacing... It’s just I don’t have an appropriate amount of funds or that I am aiming for something of the calibre that I don’t need but just want. If I had that new and functional phone I feel like it would bring back some of my lost motivation and give more opportunity for me to try harder to grow my skills also. Photography and other creative skills, social skills, those kinds of things which I’ve yearned to improve but lack the equipment or means to carry out. I bet I sound so damn ridiculous right now, I don’t even...

Right before my eyes my sister got a new phone, she’s had a few in the span I’ve had one, but it’s true, she can afford to because she has a job. I’m happy for her but I know I am envious too, not just that she has a phone, but that she has a job, that she’s not scared to try or to put herself out there etc etc. Also when someone really wants something and has been holding back but someone else just gets it right in front of them, it just idk it kinda stings and brings on those nasty emotions. Everyone tells me to get a job and then I can spend or save money, and of course I know this too. It sounds so simple to them and even to me sometimes and I just wish I could but there’s so many health factors and stupid fears holding me back, it’s so hard. I’m so weak... But, I can’t give up trying, I’ll get there someday.

Anyways enough of that, I’ll figure it out, it’s not of major importance right now. I worry all the time about being a burden to my family financially, we’re definitely not well off in terms of money or health or anything and I don’t want to bring anymore strain to it :< Those whole few sections of garble were so negative and gloomy and unimportant. I feel like such an ass... but this blog is here so I can vent and write out my real feelings... it’s okay... it’s fine, it’s good to do so, keep going..! ><

*Le few days later* Uh... uh what was I saying? @.@ Lolol I was originally gonna post on the day after my first therapy appointment but then I got lazy/avoidy and thought I’d wait till after the next one, but then I changed my mind again and welp, now the next app is tomorrow, oh well xD

*le even moar days later* Hah! Now it’s been another whole week... mega ||ORZ...!!!!1 I remember I was going to write about how the therapy went but I think I’ll put it in a separate post just to keep things more organised and less lengthy, makes sense mmm k! I’ll continue with my other misc updates I guess ^^

Welp, I got a new phone... Though there’s that niggling feeling of guilt still there (especially since my parents will only get handy downs from my sister to save money), I’m glad I was able to do so and I’m very thankful to my family members that helped me obtain it both financially and physically. I chose one that is on the expensive side, but not too bad in terms of other phones on the same level which are considerably much much more pricey. It’s one that feels like great value for the spec it has and I hope it lasts me lots of years without messing up, I have a bit of a curse when it comes to technology lol. 

I can do all sorts on it which I couldn’t do before, from some of the more basic stuff to some cool new stuff, it feels really refreshing but makes me kinda nervous too. I can actually download and use the tumblr app there, I’m hoping I can make use of it now that it is finally functional and easily accessible. I want to make a lot of good memories with it, snippets of daily life with my family, some creative stuff, whatever I choose to do online with it and that kind of stuff C:

In terms of life skill improving/adulting these past weeks I actually cooked my first sort of dish all by myself! It was fish cakes ^^ It was when I went to my sister’s house again for some more crafting time. I was actually having a crappy day/was in a super low mood that day (which got worse being in the same environment as last time) and actually had a bit of a breakdown on the journey to the supermarket to get ingredients. Idk... I was just so hesitant and scared and avoidant and got into a bit of an argument with my sis who was driving and all the sort of thoughts that had been bringing me down lately just surfaced again all at once and I tried so hard not to but the tears just came busting out.

I cried so hard and so pathetically and while I know it is not a bad thing to cry and rather a good one to let things out I just didn’t want to feel so weak in front of my sister or in front of shoppers that may pass by in the car park. I know... crying =/= weak but feeling so emotionally vulnerable, it just sucks. I didn’t cry for too long even though the intensity of my sob-fest one was one of the strongest I’ve ever had, because I still wanted to go in, get my ingredients and cook my first dish. I wanted to do this to prove to myself and my parents that I’m capable, I can learn to be independent, that I’m not useless... I’m not, I won’t be, I can do this!

My sister encouraged me and comforted me, telling me stories of when she had also cried in the car during stressful occasions with her boyfriend or with dad. I want to mention again how grateful I am to have her, even though our lines get crossed and we stress at each other a lot, she is there for me and I want to be there for her too when she needs it. It was because of her that I have the opportunity and the boost of motivation to try cooking something on my own.

I sat in the car in the corner of the car park (which she kindly moved to by my request) and when I had calmed down enough and wasn’t so puffy we went in and looked for the ingredients together. When it came to getting fresh produce I also learned how to use the labelling scale machine by my sis’ instruction which felt like something great too! ^^ I mean it probably sounds super lame and straight forward but if I was on my own I probably wouldn’t of even tried or had a bit of a panic. Idk... I just feel like for new things, witnessing someone’s demonstration or instruction is much more helpful and I’ll feel less like I’d make a fool of myself.

Okay so I got the stuff and then I made it following a brief internet recipe. My sister left me to do it all myself while she did her stuff upstairs after getting out all the necessary equipment for me so there wasn’t really much pressure unlike what it’d probably be like if I did it at home. It did take me much longer than I though it would but I was very careful about everything and as I am a noob I did make some small mistakes, but I was proud I did it! I wonder if my parents were too..? 

I finished cooking them at home (which my mum wanted my dad to do for me but I was adamant on doing it myself) and my parents tried one fish cake each over supper, though it was not perfect they were not mean to me about it which was nice. I thought my dad might be more critical and at first I thought he was a bit annoyed at me but I think he can see my efforts and how excited about it I was. It was fun and it has given me more motivation to try something else next time. I’m glad I tried, pursued something and competed it even though I was trying to get out of it last minute. I’ll give myself a pat on the back, because I did it! :D

I also went to visit my grandma with my family yesterday, which is something I have not done in probably a year or so. That’s kind of one of the other things I think about a lot and am also kind of envious of others about... I am not close with any of my relatives and it feels like a chore for my family to visit or be visited by them. I wish there wasn’t this language barrier or this physical and emotional distance between me, my family and my relatives, it blows.

It was nice seeing her and she had a good chat with my parents (though mostly random negative health stuff and gossip) and little with me and my sis. I noticed my mum doesn’t seem that close with her, look at her much and only chipped in to conversations at times while my dad generally was the one to initiate and continue the chatting. It feels... Idk... it makes me sad of course. But I wonder if it is because she doesn’t like seeing her mum growing old and living on her own, that it reminds her she is also getting old which is always on her mind too as well as it just being that way. When we were leaving I hugged my grandma, it wasn’t a proper bear hug or anything, just a pat on the back loose gesture because she probably didn’t expect it. I’ve never hugged her before after all, but I wanted to and no language barrier can get in the way of it. My sister followed and did the same too. It brought back an element of warmth and closeness which fizzled out when I couldn’t converse earlier. I want to spend more time with my family and relatives, I need to try harder.

Though I feel as if I haven’t done much on the surface, these things I did recently to do with family and therapy felt like such big and meaningful steps and I hope to continue even more. Also I said I was going to post stuff that I made to my main blog and to other places a long while back and and I have been hesitating and holding back out of fear and uncertainty non-stop. Well, I’m gonna start doing it for reals real soon. There’s no rules and there’s no need to overthink it, it’s just a place to store my progress and memories in essence but in a slightly more open space. I have the material, the means and I’m gonna try my best to grasp onto the motivation, I can’t keep excusing myself for those any more and I most certainly can’t let my silly fears win! 

I should probably get to writing my therapy posts and getting all my other important health things done and organised too. C’mon I can do this! I came on and continued writing this post even though I was struggling and scared to, another one should be a piece of (sour but refreshingly zesty lemon) cake! *salivates*

Mmm...alrighty, off I go! >:D (Maybe some lazy time first though my eyes huuurt @w@)

Have a nice evening and keep kicking butt~! ^^

[kimdaily]

I looked through your blog to see what was going on and, damn, it's like people forget you're a real life person, too. It always sucks to see big blogs like you I admire feeling stressed because of Tumblr. Like people need to realize that while this is a bangtan/namjoon blog, this is also a personal blog and you're not going to have the answers to every single question. (And I honestly don't understand anons who continue to follow you if they're only going to send hate).

Anonymous said:@ the people who are sending negative comments and suggesting this blog to be deleted etc. - First of all, I’m sorry that people like you have to exist. Try to imagine being dragged by dozens of anonymous assholes every single day in a place that’s supposed to be enjoyable? Please go invest your time and energy into learning how to become better human beings, bc it’s honestly so lame to be investing so much into making someone’s day even worse than it already is. Sab, stay strong

kjjownsme said:I love your blog and everything you do for those of us who enjoy your comments and content but you owe no one a damn thing.

visualseokjin said:‘take a break. like permanently.’ lmao people are so fucking rude. i’m sorry for them and sorry that u have to deal with them. i just wanted to pop in and say that your presence and everything you do for this fandom is so appreciated ;; and i hope the bad apples don’t manage to push you away from something that you love.

Anonymous said:The people who say you’ve been mean and rude can go fuck themselves tbh - you’ve are soft and cute and so sweet you don’t deserve this shit

Anonymous said:I will be sad but understanding if you decide to delete. I came to this blog for bts, stayed for you, and now I check your blog everyday. You could just reblog pictures of walls and I’d still have notifications on and get hype every time you post. Your posts regarding school and stress comfort me and your bangtan posts distract me from my own stress from school. I appreciate you and this blog so much- thank you for putting up with bullshit messages and negativity for so long. 

mxbebes said:been following you for a while now and i would say i’d miss you on my dash a lot of u left ♥ if that’s the choice you need/want to make i support you but if it’s over uncertainty about posting what you want all i can offer is the advice to screw anyone who tries to dictate what you want to put on /your/ blog maybe turn of asks/anons for a while if it gets to much or get into the habit of blocking the assbags who seem entitled to tell u what to post ♥ anyway ily a lot u would be missed if u left

Anonymous said:Hey I love your blog but if you think deactivating would put you in a better mental state then maybe that’s what’s more important. But I hope you know that you’re an amazing person who’s blog has done some good. I always glossed over Namjoon until I saw you and your posts. Now he’s one of my favorites. I’m sorry anons have affected your enjoyment on here. Just know you’ve got followers who care about how you feel, whether that means you leaving or not.

baepsaeling said:i haven’t been following you for very long but honestly the amount of shit you’re getting is ridiculous. but since you say Tumblr is your getaway place - maybe throw this blog on hiatus and start a smaller blog for the time? in either case, please don’t be afraid to give yourself a break. we all need one, occasionally. i hope stuff is gonna clear up and you’ll feel better soon! 💖

Anonymous said:hello please stay strong you’re my fav namjoon stan. if you really cant take it, take a break for a little bit and come back for us please? We love you

bukedo said:Hello~ I’d like to say that i’ve only started following you recently and up to this point i haven’t regretted anything of it, as a blog for Namjoonie you have been one of the best and i understand why you are upset/mad and tbh i would be too … I always look everything up before i ask around and only ask when i don’t find any answers. All the things about Namjoonie are very easy to find and people shouldn’t keep bothering you 💜 (Stay perfect ! 💜💜)

Anonymous said:You’re super amazing, your blog is super amazing and tbh all the salty haters just need to go get lives… I mean at what point do you think its ok to harass someone on tumblr… I mean, it’s tumblr… If you’re going to be a lil bish at least get of anon and have the guts to say it to someones face.

lunalilymoon said:i’m so so sorry i love you and your blog and namjoon but do what is best for you ❤

gogomaki said:Hon… please stay strong! I love you! ( ´ ∀ `)ノ～ ♡

Anonymous said:I don’t know what has happened and I don’t need too. I’m sorry for whatever has happened and I believe you deserve a break… ❤❤

Anonymous said:@ the people who are always buggin you for updates or askin what namjoon did: there is this lovely site called google where you can get most if not all the answers ur lookin for plus there are like 3456658 different update blogs that would probably love to take ur questions. shocking i know. also if some of yall hate namjoon so much what tf are you doin on an obvious namjoon stan blog talking shit like are you stupid?? and sab can be as sassy as she wants shes a fucking human with emotions okay!

Anonymous said:i want u to feel better, but i know nothing i say can. just… always try to look on the bright side of things, okay? as corny as that i

Anonymous said:Delete your blog then. I never saw you as someone holding every action Namjoon did I saw you as an actual human being. A human being who breaks down who stresses out who gets angry. Who has EMOTIONS. I’m sending this and I’m not going to sugar coat shit and tell you it gets better. Because nothing ever does unless you work through it. If you delete your account, don’t do it then regret it. Im sending this in as anon cause you may not answer but I’m not going to give you a sugarcoated response

hoshyoung said:Please remember that your own mental amd physical health is more important than running this blog. I know lots of people will support whatever decision you make, including myself. We just want you to be happy and healthy No matter what, I wish you all the happiness in the world!! 💕💕💕💕💕 (I’m sorry for all of the people who are being selfish and rude, you deseve so much more than that)

Anonymous said:hi bae~ i literally just got online and was ??? omg why is my ult namjoon blog stressing??? so i read what you said and i feel so sorry for you :((( i can’t imagine getting so many asks about someone you stan, especially negative asks. i get so exhausted just reading someone being nasty / bringing up joon’s past, so i can’t imagine how tired and frustrated you must be to have all that in your askbox. i just wanted to drop in to say that i love you very much!!! [ 1/2 

Anonymous said:I’m so sorry. I used to be one of your old anons that checked on you and also talked to you a lot, but I guess I haven’t been doing a good job of that lately. I’m sorry. I should’ve gotten off of my lazy ass and come check on you, because you’re very important to me. I think you’re absolutely amazing, and you’re so kind and nice to everyone. I hate that you feel this way, I know how hard you’ve worked. But if you decide to stay, I promise to start writing you cute messages again. I love you ❤❤

Anonymous said:Sab I’m sorry you have to go through with this negativity! I love your blog and love you personality! And i don’t know if this will lighten your mood even just a tad but I have a random question for you: who do you Stan more Ryan or Kumamon?

Anonymous said:I’m sorry you’re not having a great time on Tumblr as of late for a variety of factors and that people are belittling your comments down to a sentence. Just wanted to say hi, and send you my well wishes. I love seeing you on my dash, both kpop related content and otherwise. It’s nice seeing the blogger behind the blog. Also, you have a superb playlist. I hope your crazy school project does well, despite that I know you’re not thrilled about being part of the whole thing. #Sabjoon2k17

thornyrosebush3 said:I know I’ve never messaged you before (anxiety) but I just wanted to let you know that whatever decision you make will be okay. If you do delete your blog to make the pressure and stress go away, that is okay. I’m not here to tell you ‘not to delete your blog, everything will be okay’ because I want you to feel comfortable no matter what decision you make. -M.

Anonymous said:I really would like to get to know you more and chat with you because I honestly think you are such a wonderful person. But I feel like I would be imposing on you by chatting with you like a friend I feel as if it would be rude because it’s almost like being overcomfortable? But I love your blog and would love to get know you ☺️

Anonymous said:Project start flooding your asks with nice things so that you don’t have to read all that sh*t is a go . :)

bangtan-world said:I love a human being, and that human being is called Sabrina.❤

Anonymous said:I give you so much props for the amount of patience you have and I’m sorry that you have to deal with annoying/rude anons :( anyone that sends you hate can come and fight me! Pls keep being an amazing ❤️

Anonymous said:I’m sorry for all the things your going through. If I could do something I would. Here a change from all the things your getting. How are you? Hope you have a good night/day.

Anonymous said:Are you going to start a new account? Because like you said it wouldn’t be fair for you to have to start over because of hate. But I really love your blog and I understand and really hope that your okay.

hobismole said:😩 your selfie killed me why are you so freaking beautiful?? Also I’m sorry that people are treating you like this you deserve so much better! Don’t worry too much about what other people think and do whatever decision you feel is right for and your blog 💞

Anonymous said:hellooooo, just dropping by to say that i appreciate you & your blog very much! im new to BTS and your blog is among the first few ones that i followed. :) dont let the haters get you down, there’s plenty of us here who like & appreciate you! \o/

Anonymous said:I think you should just turn off anon asks so if people want to really know the answer to their shitty questions they have to be willing to have their identity known (and I know that me being on anon writing this is ironic 😂)

Anonymous said:I’ve just come back from a tumblr hiatus to see you sad and!! No!! I’m so sorry people are not treating you and your blog how they should and it’s pushed you to feel like wanting to delete. I hope you know you’ll be missed but if you feel it’s what you have to do we understand!! Stay strong like we know you can and do what you feel is best!!

Anonymous said:What’s your favourite nose shape? Mines the ones that look kinda too long but are turned up at the end and are really cute. Hope you can get over the negativity

Anonymous said:Your own mental health and comfort is important too. while i can’t give any concrete solutions for you, at least know that there is this anon who supports your decision either way. stay healthy and safe 'kay?

Anonymous said:we’ll miss you darling. please be safe and do what is healthy for you because that is the most important thing! i’m sure you’ll get many more nice messages before you go besides this one but if not i’ll keep sending these until you feel better! if you want to come back we’re always here. much love, a quiet anon who loves seeing you on their dash ❤️

Anonymous said:I’m sorry your blog is surrounded by so much negativity. In an attempt to at least make you smile, or get to know you, what kind of things do you like? Movies, tv shows, Kpop groups, artists? I’d be more than happy to ask you things about yourself 💕

i-am-wordaholic said:Do what u have to do sweety. Don’t hand over ur peace of mind for anyone. If that means closing the acc then… that sucks but it’ll have to be. You wouldn’t want Namjoonie to keep doing smth that makes him unhappy cuz he feels he owes it to ppl, right? So, don’t do it to urself either. Fighting!!!

reprobateravenclaw said:Oh. My. God. Wtf? Like I get it's nice to be nice and stuff, but honestly, you don't have to be. You can just tell someone to fuck off when you don't wanna discuss smth. You don't hold any sort of responsible behaviour to anyone. Yeah sure, be nice and all, but slam them to the pits of hell if you wanna/need to. Just saying. Take it easy. Being mean isn't always bad when it comes to you. Like, if you're someone who cares about what people say to you,its essential to know when to be a bitch.

Anonymous said:hey :) i saw all those posts you just made, honestly i have no idea what happened to you but don't give up on tumblr if it's the thing that made you happy once (if this makes sense...) there's still a lot of us that appreciate everything you do! ily x

Anonymous said:hi! i've never sent any asks before so i Hope This Is Okay but i saw what was going on and i'm so sorry that that's been happening to you. that sounds Ultra Mega Shitty and :( if you want to delete/deactivate i wont stop u if u think its the right thing for u b/c ur happiness + health are the Most Important !! i just wanted to tell u that i love ur blog lots and lots!! you're one of the first bts blogs i ever followed :') thank u for blessing my dash and being a Gr8 :') i hope ur doing well!! :)

Anonymous said:I just saw you're going through all this shit. I have followed you for awhile and I'm like so invested in your life in a weird way? It's hard to explain. I just want you to be able to breathe a little and not feel so overwhelmed. I know how life can make you feel like you're barely keeping your head above water. I hope you get some rest and are able to just chill a little from all this. Love you!!

thank you guys so much, I genuinely want to thank you all of such kind things. tomorrow is a new day, we’ll put all this in the past and look forward to better days. 

I care about you all so much and hope you have a fantastic bright day, thank you so much again I wish I could hug you all for sending me such nice things it means more than I think you could ever understand. I love you, you guys are the reason I come on everyday hopeful and a full heart. 

again sorry  for everything, I just it’s been weighing heavy on me for the past two or so months and I sadly finally cracked and had to let it out. 

[ais-n]

some random updates and manga commentary

I read more manga than books usually, but then don’t always say much about it because idk, usually I just have a thought or two and then move on. Sometimes I do these posts where I mention a bunch of series in one place in passing. If that sounds interesting, read on. 

But first:

I’m fucking obsessed lately with One Piece Treasure Cruise somebody stop me I have problems I already spent $10 on it help

Ok, now onto manga mentions, commentary, etc:

I bought the latest Livingstone volume (4) and was all excited to continue reading that series only to realize unexpectedly the other night that it was the end of the series. MAN. It’s been awhile since I watched Deadman Wonderland but I seem to recall feeling the same way about that as Livingstone, only maybe less dramatically so, and that’s this: the creator is the same for both series, and comes up with really interesting ideas and throws in some interesting characters. But then the story itself feels like it ends before it explores the concept as deeply as it could or should. It’s not that I recall Deadman Wonderland’s ending being terrible, and it’s not that Livingstone necessarily had a bad ending either; it’s just that I feel like it ends right as it’s developing, so some of the impact is lost on me because I feel like so much more story still should have been told.

Finally got caught up (again) on Kuroshitsuji/Black Butler and D.Gray-Man. I’m seriously getting worried about Hoshino’s health for DGM :( I’m so worried something will happen to her that is more permanent even than has happened already, and I’m also worried the series will not be able to end properly as a result. Which is really sad to me because I want Hoshino to be okay, and I want her and her readers to not have any regrets about the series itself. I wish she would get an assistant to draw for her while she dictates the story, if for no other reason than to preserve her health more, but I imagine she is hesitant to do so because she has such a beautiful art style and it has to be incredibly difficult to struggle against health issues when you know once upon a time you easily could do far more than now you struggle to achieve. It’s so sad :( I don’t want her to push her health beyond its limits. Ganbatte, Hoshino! :( As for Kuroshitsuji, I swear to god that series is simultaneously the most ridiculous and sometimes most amazing thing XD I’ve been pretty embarrassed by the whole pop star thing because idk lots of reasons, but that’s happened for me before on other arcs that have happened and it always swings its way back. Anyway regardless I love Ciel and Sebastian and everyone and YES UNDERTAKER YESSSSS. Also, it’s been cracking me up seeing how much Soma seems to be having a ball in the latest arc XD

Just realized I’m a couple chapters behind on Magi, that’s the next thing I need to catch up on. Also I need to check on Love Stage!! because it’s been months since I last looked. Yotsuba&! came out with a new chapter too! But I need to read it still. Same with a few BL manga I’m following whose names I’ve managed to briefly forget so I have to track that down to look for updates ugggh I’m real good at this lol

btw did I mention I watched the Seven Days live action movie awhile ago? Because I did. I liked it! I was worried I wouldn’t but I did. I mean, I fucking love Seven Days so that’s probably no surprise, I just rarely watch live action of manga or anime, especially BL, so that’s why I wasn’t sure how I’d feel. But oh my god they paid so much attention even to little idiosyncrasies and movements! Good job, guys, good job

I still need to read Haikyuu!!, I don’t know why I haven’t yet. It’s my goal to do so at some point, because so far I’ve only seen the anime and read the first 2 volumes, and I want to read everything and be up to date with others! 

I started Black Clover and was pretty excited about it but then it started pulling full on bullshit fanservice moves in the 3rd volume or something and it annoyed me so much I stopped reading... I should probably start up again but ugh, so sick of unnecessary fanservice 

WAIT have I read the latest Noragami?? ....Shit yes I did I FORGOT ok so that series THAT SERIES goddamnit I love that series...

Same with Natsume Yuujinchou like goddamn, just as soon as you think surely you won’t cry at some new story in it because surely you’re immune by now, the series is like “So anyway here’s this really bittersweet or heartwarming-slash-heartrending story I’ll casually throw out there and Bee-Tee-Dubs, just a reminder that as nice as Natsume is, his life will probably always be a pretty sad and precarious mess because he cares too much about both humans and Ayakashi”

which now that I’m thinking about it is a bit Allen Walker-like.... no wonder I love both Natsume and Allen; they both are stuck in between all these other things but don’t use it as an excuse to hurt or hate others; if anything, they hurt themselves while trying not to hurt others. I just really love characters and people who don’t use misfortune as an excuse for harming others

There’s probably more but I’m getting so distracted by this gif faded in the background on tumblr that I can’t focus omg wut

Oh right, I hope Gangsta comes back sometime in the future. They have some spin off out I think, right? Based on Marco Adriano, called Cursed? I’m debating if I should give it a try.... Actually I don’t remember, maybe I bought the first volume and haven’t read it yet lolz0r Anyway if anyone’s read it, is it as good as Gangsta? The thing is, I don’t really care about Marco, so that’s why I haven’t read it yet. Not that I hate him or anything but I feel pretty meh about reading something solely based on him so I’ve hesitated. I mostly like Gangsta primarily for Worick and secondarily for Nicolas, and then I liked others like Doug, and it’s not like I hate the rest of the characters but they work best for me as the background to Worick and Nicolas’ story. So idk.

Similarly, I gave up on Dogs! Bullets & Carnage around volume 9 mostly because I love one character (Badou all the way, motherfuckers!) and am mostly ambivalent or not in love with the rest. Badou totally carried the series for me in the beginning, when he and Heine had all those great interactions, but now Naoto’s more prominent with Heine and I’m like bleggggh not a fan of Naoto almost at all, and Heine’s okay but I feel like he’s kind of a non-character so he doesn’t really work as the primary MC for me. The pacing of the story is not the best so it makes it harder for me to care about what’s going on. Basically I just want the series to follow Badou around and tell me occasionally about the crazy shit the others are getting up to. Give me a spin off on Badou and I’ll buy that any day! Come on! Anyway so if anyone is still reading that, I’m just curious if I should keep going... I’m a little curious about what the hell is even going on with the plot and background and etc but mostly I just want more Badou :( ...wait a second, I just saw there’s a prequel called just Dogs, that may be more along the lines of the story I want to read. I want just Dogs, man! Did I read it already years ago? Fuck if I can remember...

I also gave up on Tokyo Ghoul:re after it was so incredibly different from Tokyo Ghoul and the pacing and just everything kind of fucked around with what I was hoping to read as a continuation of that series, and in particular with me wanting to see more of Kaneki. I’m months behind at this point and idk man. I will probably read further at some point because I do think it’s an interesting world and I liked a number of characters in Tokyo Ghoul quite a lot, especially Kaneki. But :re has just been... I’m trying not to say mean things lol it’s just that I guess the pacing and style and story and character designs and just everything is basically like a whole different series. Which would be fine, if that was what I wanted. But what I wanted was more Tokyo Ghoul, so I’m disappointed so far. idk. I don’t think I’ve given up completely on it. I just think I have to wait until I’m in the right mood...

That just randomly reminded me I never finished Claymore. That was another series that started out interesting but then idk. The pacing or story or what just dragged a lot after a while, or made it difficult to follow. I should finish it sometime I guess. I think I probably only have a few dozen chapters to read to end it. 

I did the same thing with Shingeki no Kyoujin/Attack on Titan... I was pretty obsessed with it when I first started reading it, then the story/style started wavering around the same time I got caught up with Japan and had to wait for new chapters, I read as chapters released for a few months, and then idk. At one point I just got too annoyed/frustrated with the series and stopped reading. I guess that’s another series where maybe I should wait until it’s ended and then read it all at once. I’m curious about some of the plot lines but I really only liked one or two characters pretty well and the rest I was ambivalent about or my feelings on them varied too much, and since I’m so character-driven as a reader/viewer I just can’t stick with series that don’t have strong and consistent plots while also having strong and consistent characters and character development. At least not week by week or month by month, one chapter at a time. It doesn’t seem to work for my attention span.

In anime news, I wish we’d get some sequels of some series like re:Zero or K Project or my god wouldn’t No. 6 be nice?? But these are all light novel based so my hopes are probably for naught. Actually, I take that back. K wasn’t based on LN, it just has novels in addition to the anime. But now I’m realizing, maybe I missed some things. That series is kind of weird with stuff all over the place and individualized outside of the anime itself so I probably missed things. Unsurprisingly, I’m sure, Shiro is my favorite, Kuro secondarily. But I primarily watched for Shiro lolz

Wow ok I just managed to use up all my time on StayFocusd rambling on all this shit so there you go, there’s a bunch of random thoughts about a bunch of random series, and I didn’t even cover everything but I had to stop somewhere I guess.

Probably no one even read this far but that’s fine; sometimes I write this even just to remember later my thoughts on some things. Like I said earlier in the year, I wanted to do Voice as my word for 2017, which means not silencing myself on stuff unnecessarily, so for things like this where I want to write a post talking about a bunch of different stuff just touching on them it’s silly to not do it if it’s something I want to do. If that makes sense.

Anyway if you are reading this, I hope you have a lovely day/night/whatever it is for you! And hey, let me know if you have thoughts on any of the series I mentioned or I guess if you want me to go more in depth on something if it was of interest to you. idk, just whatever.

Hmm maybe I’ll make a tag for these kind of posts so I can find them later... I think I’ll do “ais manga ramblings” hmmmm

[a-dream-vs-reality]

Someone To Love Again

Let me tell you a girl I met 2 days ago. But first lemme tell my situation first. Take note, I am not feeling guilty sharing this, I had to take this off my mind. Thanks tumblr.

4 years ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of 1 year and some months, can't really remember how long. But I do remember why. But later to that. As usual breakups, heartbreak and misery plus zombifying is coming in loops so I started getting rebound gals. 4 gals after I've met this girl. (remember the rebound) Her name is, lets call her Y. Y is a petite girl with huge rack. Humongous, I can go all day. Haha. The thing is I accidentally knocked her up.

In Malaysia, knocking girls up is either 2 options, getting married or getting your ass whooped. Clearly I pick the wrong choice.

Ready or not, I submissively willing to take care of this child. At first. I married Y. It took a bit of a shock to me and her family but all goes well. But, she is just a rebound girl. Truthfully, I did'nt love her at all. All of this is for the little guy, my son. Aeril. So after ups and down, I manage to get a decent paying job, manage to pull our life together, but still, I can't love her, its not within me, its just for sex, idk why, till now. It is all for Aeril. I love my son so much, I'm willing to sacrifice my love life.

Y does'nt know my 2nd life. My naughty side. My playboy side, my playful side that got me into this marriage. Haha. So I have been drinking and partying without her knowing. I know marriage without love is gonna be suck ass but what about my son? How does the little guy wanna live? Poor guy having a bad parent, I don't want him to have a broken family like me. Its hard building personality on that.

Moving on, I stick with Y for the sake of Aeril. Now Y is pregnant again with my 2nd child. But still, it doesn't spark.

But until recently, you see, I been in and out of bar, watching live band, I love liveband while drinking, it sets the mood, so I met another girl, Pia, a rock singer with excellent voice and charisma on stage, I really admire her on stage, not off, when she is on stage, I like to stare at her till my problems are gone. So for straight week, I been visiting Mangos Tropical Bar, nice bar. But then, Pia contracts with the bar is finish, she goes to another bar which I don't like, and never get to see her (stare)

Then I saw on the instagram 2 days ago, Project X (the band she singing with) coming back on Mangos, without hesitating, I go to the bar, hopefully I can see (stare) her again. She is like an apple of my eye, lovely, nice to stare at, but not to talk to (done that and not liking it) but shes not there :(

So being sad, I just drink with my friends, getting wild, dancing, making fun of my friend. Go to the middle of the dance floor, grinding, groping hahaha all the action you want.

But, I saw this girl, IDK her real name, just call her Cassie. She's a sabahan christian, a cute, wide eyes, sparkling pupils, staring at you, hoping for you to just sink within her stare. At first its just a normal grinding, but then I realize it was different because the way she look at you is like she is holding back. Her smirk, her rolling eyes, her blushes, her move. Man I've never dance like that in years, she brings me, my old self, my self that I've been hating, my old self that I've been hiding, the real me who Y never got to see, at that time, I know we have chemistry, I know that I'm in love.

So we dance like its just us on the dance floor, loving what we sees and touch. Man, I don't know if thats just her game, but bijjjj im playinnnnn

So we rocked our body til 4. My friends already got home. So just me and her, and her annoying friends (she says its her brother but i dun buy it)

She may be drunk but her eyes is not lying. Her eyes is just like mine (not biologically) the way she look into your eyes, you just know, you will never let her go. Shit man, imagine, I never fall this hard since I broke up with my ex. This is different than my exes, this is like the first time your brain and heart, working together.

So after the bar closes, I'm thinking we go grab a bite for a moment, hell, her friends are annoying as fuck. They insisted they go back to Cyberjaya but I know she wants to get to know me. I know I catch her heart. So I ask her number and got it, and kiss her saying that we will meet again, its a magical night I've been longing for. Just to have someone to love again.

But rainbows doesnt shine forever. She ignore me in the next day, not answering my call, my chat. Shit, I just want to get to know her. Haih

So thats what been happening, I'm letting this out so I dont have to keep thinking about her. I hope it works because damn I cant stop thinking about her.

Anyway, it just felt great to love again. Just felt great to fall in love. Its just felt great to have someone to love again.

That is all folks!

Tune in for more updates.