a-dream-vs-reality

[a-dream-vs-reality]

A Little Pullback

Heyyo !

      Its the end of 2021, we are reaching 2022 soon. I hope you guys had a great time this year. I know I did. Eventually.

      Anyway, to be honest, this year, everyone had it rough, some lose their jobs, some lose their business, and some still got their jobs but lost their salary. Huh, thats very unfortunate. Its life you know, gotta handle them lemons. But sometimes, lemons are an asshole. I hate that kind of saying, like “When life gives you lemon, make a lemonade” crap. Well life didn’t give me lemons. They make lemonade, and while they squeeze the lemon, guess what? I’m also in it. 

     I like to think life is like a forex charts. If you ever learned about forex , theres this thing called pullback, where after a price breakthrough a certain threshold, they pullback. Like they are resting for a moment for another breakthrough. I think I’m in one of those pullback. But the thing is, I don’t know which part that I’m breaking through, the ceiling or the floor. Either I am reaching for the sky or falling deeper into the void.

     I know you might be saying, “you are the price, reach for the sky” , “you are what you do” or “ stop masturbating, its gross”. Something like that, but come one, I’m here to rant, not searching for a solution. 

    So I got a job, in KL, currently in KL right now, as a F&B Assistant in Nobu. An overpriced, overestimated, unnecessary ethics, and stupid manager kind of restaurant. Do you know how waiters are the lowest position in Front of House Department? Not in this restaurant. They are different, not in a good way. A coop up restaurant with their ridiculous dignity at being the best. A backward thinking and very toxic management styles. I have so many things to say about them, and none of them are nice. I hate the job. I spent 10 years polishing my passion of being a waiter. I know its not a good job, but I like to see when people having the best time of their life in the restaurant. Its like, a genuine feeling. But these people in Nobu killed it. “its a restaurant what do you expect?” well, not this nigga damn. I have always been tardy for work, you know, like getting in late and what not, it’s normal, everyone has circumstances. But I never come across a management style that don’t give a shit about their staff unfortunate events. Like before, my bike got its chain broke, its loose and come off of the sprocket. I’m fixing it, tell my sups (supervisor) “I’m gonna be late tomorrow to fix my bike” because the shit happen at night, no workshop open at night. Its a middle of the month, I just started working, no savings, and it cost me RM260 to fix it. Gotta ask around all that, and push the bike at night to the workshop and leave it there. It’s a real unforseen events, hell I don’t even have money for gas on the way back from work. Even still , its my problem not theirs. So after I done fixing, arrived at work, do you know what the managers say to my unforseen incidents?

“I don’t care”

     How the fuck you become a managers, if you don’t care about your underlings? That’s very unprofessional. But I don’t expect much from him, He is a pinoy anyway. That is the trigger why my passion regress. Then everyhing went south. Theres so much thing in this restaurant thats very uncomfortable to work, but I’m gonna stop it here. BTW, I quit already so yeah.

     Currently working as a non-profit forex trader. Maybe I do breakthrough the floor. Thats all for now peeps. Catch on later.

[a-dream-vs-reality]

Sleep Deprived Poetry

I felt difference in myself, like I'm holding back. It's weird, I should slipping through the crack. Then I look up see the new me,  smacked.

While I'm down, life handed me lemon, Suppose to make lemonade, but why I'm in it with them? Bitter, sour soak like God damn! Why can't I be me, not him who filled with cold sadden.

All the rain pouring, running through cheeks, I'm not cryin', but my soul's in the creeks. Should be grateful, for all the people around me. I'm just saying, it should be better than this.

This shit ain't a thing, You shouldn't let it through you. But damn, you know how it got its name, It's here, unannounced, it's not like a game. Suddenly, you be embracing, copulating. Now it's in your name.

Gonna drop every shit in my mind here, I'm sorry eventhough this the last thing you ever wanna hear, Subtle, discreet, everything is in disguise Come on man, why would I tell such lies?

Like a two way mirror, I see myself bright and clear, but deep down I know there's was somebody else is here. I know it's me that had been left behind and seared. I'm rising through the ashes, but hiding in the lies and tears.

If life is a song, it should be like Astronomia

All the ups and down, as easy as shifting gear. 

When the beat drop, you know I'm nowhere to be near 

Now everything out,

 Spending my time finding way to fight this insomnia.

[a-dream-vs-reality]

Good morning wanderer!

I just got my self off from reliving HIMYM, you know the show I talked about before? The one show that somehow influence me, there is this episode about how they wanted to get back at their exes and read some letters from their past self warning not to do that. That made me thought about something.

Well, at some point I do wanted to get back with my ex, especially L. I’ve told you about the sex, it was amazing. But I’ve been blinded with that. I just realize the actual relationship I had with her.

I remember how she made me feel. Here a series of the relationship in a nutshell:

1. The Insensitivity

One day, L was sick, a fever or something, I nurture her back to health, buy some medicine that rack up til 120, hell my income that time was 500, I’m a student, don’t blame me. After she gotten better, I fall sick because nurturing her, the weird thing is she don’t believe that I’m sick, I got no money for medicine after that, so I stayed at home be a nice lil bij, but you know what she did? She call me to meet up in mamak downstair because she has no money to pay for her roti canai and teh tarik and hoping me, a sick guy coming down and pay it. You know what? Don’t go lepak if you don’t have money on the first place. The worse of all she said she will break up with me if I didn’t go down. Such a psycho.

2. Occasional Absent

You know how every couple want to go out spend some time together during holiday right? Not us. I mean, well I don’t have money anyway, but at least I’m here man. Valentine’s Day, Independence Day, New Years Eve, she’s missing, MIA. During the day she was there but told me she was busy and all but at night, total silent. My hunch told me she was getting some. I don’t believe it, maybe she was driving he aunt to hospital on Valentine’s day or busy because she met a roadblock or something like that but guess what? She call me at 3 o’clock saying she is tired and all and felt guilty and all that shit. Come on guys, you know what shes doing, hell me too, but unfortunately, at that time, I don’t.

3. A total psycho

Before I tell you this, I may have some sort mistake this time, I was in the wrong, but consequenceses of my wrond doing is frightening. One time, I often going to my mum’s, almost every week. Because I don’t have money and things with L getting bland. So come to my mum’s for financial reason, and while I was there, I quite don’t have time for L. 1st, I babysit my nephews and 2nd I game a lot. I pulled a all-nighter while telling her I am a sleep, and go missing til 4pm. Hehe my bad, seems like I got no time for her. She is well aware of that. Its not like I was cheating. Not at that time. Its not a all the way cheating, well shes missing too, so I whip up my wechat and search for some chicks. I got one but just a chat not meeting or having sex. But she think otherwise. Well, at that time she is in her practical semester where she intern for 3 month in JB. And I’m sending her off at the bus station, suddenly while eating, she spot checked my phone and saw the texts, and upset and storm off to the bus while crying. I was really guilty and apologize for a dozen of times. Then I got home and take my mind off those things and play Skyrim (Best game of all time) then she called and said she is infront of my apartment and I was like “wtf”. And there she was, stood in front of the grill crying and I tried so hard to console her but my effort a waste. But don’t you guys think its a lil bit weird? From JB to KL at 2am? I mean who the hell send you from JB to KL, its a 4 hour journey. Anyway, we talk in mamak this and that, then she left to toilet, I check her bag, and saw a orange-still got price tag- kitchen knife!

Thats crazy, I ask her what she wanted to do with the knife, the she said

“Nak bunuh kau”

Damn girl, you are twisted just like you pussy. Hey yooo

Well the 3rd series kinda long, theres so much wrong in that relationship that kinda make me feel, she planned all those fight with me just to take a break from me for a while, and hump another bastard.

Anyway the makeup sex is good. Cum in her mouth. Had to say, felt sorry for the other guys that kiss her. Hell, those thing she did, the lying, the cheating, the planned breakups, I can say, I filled her good. Really good.

Well thats it, for the future me, I just wanna say, you have come and now you must go.

TTYL guys, and stay tune.

[a-dream-vs-reality]

Hello again, dear wanderer of the tumblr realm.

You know, some realization come to me recently, In the past, I am usually a happy, chirpy, smiling idiot kind of guy, Well, I was, as far as I concern.

I always thought what happened in KTT change me to this brooding, self-contemplating, arrongant, drown in ignorance, stupid bitch face. But actually, these things happen when I am sad. And the reason I state these things is, I found my old Twitter acc (pm me if you wantto follow) and I read my old tweet and mention and hell I am damn lively, and it is after KTT which means I am back with my old self. I’ve read those tweets and thinking “What happen to this chirpy, confident, lively, guy?” Was I not those things now? All the friends I have, the flirting jokes, dammit I’m pretty sure I would love to have a friend like that right now.

But now, all those things are gone, well they rise back up when I’m working, but not when I am home. So the realization is, if being the brooding , self contemplating son of a bitch is me being sad, it doesn’t feel much different right now.

Maybe this is a question I should be asking, am I happy? Honestly, what I felt right now is weightless burden piling on my shoulder. Its not heavy, its just there, and I’m not paying attention to it, its like I was walking on the desert while the burden tied to me and was dragged along and I’m not doing anything to those burden, just willingly and helplessly be dragged in the sand while I’m searching for some oasis or something, in other words, I am lost in the desert and maybe I was trying to find a way to survive in it.

Damn I feel sorry for those burden. They are innocent. I felt guilty and yes that guilty was one of the burden. And regret. I can’t let go. If I let go, I am the cruelest person in the world.

But didn’t drag them along under the hot scorching sun be much different?

[a-dream-vs-reality]

Hi Guys ! It’s been a while.

Okay, an update. There is nothing much. The last post is about some selfish wishes.

This post is about reminisce. But before that, here’s the sit.

Currently I’m in Perak. Moved here, been a month now. Reason why I move here, is MCO, well mostly that. Due to MCO I lost my high paying job, currently selling used garment online. Good pay, potentially good pay. However that doesn’t help with my already-high-commitment-due-to-high-paying-job-that-i-lost. So I move to Perak with my mom. Searching for a way to make bucks. I am focusing on the used garment business but there always time to make more. I got ideas but that is not what I want to talk about this time.

This post is about reminisce. I’ve told you about my ex. A lovely ex that I broke up because of a stupid misunderstanding. I love her. Still love her. Since ‘17, 4 fucking years. And if people ask “After all this time?” I will always reply “Always” yeah you know if you know.

This girl lets call her L. Ahh L, tall, a little bit plump, sexy eyes, tight lips, above and below if you know what i mean

Anyway, recently, I’ve been dreaming about here, didn’t remember what is about, but her face is what I remembered. Funny thing is, she is married now. Now that is just a girl I cannot get back to even if I wanted to. A regret that I just have to look back and frown upon. And I heard from my wife, she is pregnant. Her husband is wealthy, way wealthier than me when I’m with her, father-wealthy idk. But it is one of the unsung reason why I broke up.

But the sex? My god. How should I put this, imagine a pipe thats have a innard of squishy jelly that can be grip you tightly and instantly trigger your heavenly bomb. Yeah thats how I put it. In other words, I wish I knock her up instead. Yeah this relationship is mostly about sex, I know its stupid but didn’t men do stupid things for sex? I’m sure I’m willing to do anything to keep that sleeve my dick (yeah I said it) and I mean anything, I would keep her happy by any means. Call me disgusting but hey that is pure love and thats all matters.

Lucky guy, I’m jealous of him, not because of his wealth or ripped body (it is) just because of her. But, I don’t know why, I still get the feeling that she misses me sometimes. Dreaming her face just make me depress. And right now, I’m wishing that I could turn back time and fuck her harder. Hahahahaha

That is all this time

Happy MCO

[a-dream-vs-reality]

That one selfish wish.

Hey guys, another update from my perplex life.

Back in the day when I was in highschool, I admire this work of series television show. It is called How I Met Your Mother. Anyone who seen it must have the best day of their life.

I love this show, the character, the jokes, the drama between them, and most of all, the friendship. I longed for that friendship. I fond of the way they live. How well developed their characters was, and how it ended. Most people hated the ending, but I love it.

So, started that year I promise to myself that I be living life like they did, eventhough its kinda impossible, but I die trying.

Living alone, getting financially stable, meet people, hookups and love. That show taught me what love is. What friendship should be. What was okay and what was not, basically that show giving me a sense of life.

I am not as ambitious as I am today than before, heck due to separation, I did not know what I want in life, but this show, projects me to it.

As you know all the knicks and knacks I have been through. I kinda go through it alone. It is lonely. Its not that I am a lone loser, just no one had the same head as I am.

So when highschool ended, I wish I could live alone and make a fortune, just me against the world. But of course, nobody got time for that.

My family pushes things to me, go to college first. So I did. But halfway though. So I determine to go for my dream, a second time,they pushes me into medical school but still, halfway. Not halfway, like only 98%.

So I thought, maybe this time I will pursue my dream for sure. But then, I am married.

Things pushes onto me, and I be like holding boxes, pile of boxes trying to carry them all.

Its like a responsibility, you had to held on.

But soon, I felt a downward in my marriage. I started to not feel things like love, empty inside, depressed. Its like a caged bird or tiger, lying down sadly.

Its just, it is not a life I wanted to spend. I wanted to have a freedom. Get to know people, get a few girlfriends or things like that, I wanna experience the world without shackles strap onto my leg. But I cannot do that if I am married with two kids. I know it is wrong, abandon them, its just that one selfish wish that I deserve.

That's all the rambling, stay tune for the next update.

[a-dream-vs-reality]

Heartpour. (1st Edition)

I'm feeling something,

An unexplainable thoughts,

Though I felt loving,

This is killing me a lot.

I'm sorry for my lies,

For my pretended care,

This feeling killing me,

With something I didn't dare.

I know you gave me your all,

Your life your love and your trust,

Eventhough I've seen it all,

It's not the life, that I've been lust.

A life with love and butterfly,

I didn't get from you,

A life with love and sacrifices,

It was never from you.

It will never be you.

It was never for you.

[a-dream-vs-reality]

Someone To Love Again

Let me tell you a girl I met 2 days ago. But first lemme tell my situation first. Take note, I am not feeling guilty sharing this, I had to take this off my mind. Thanks tumblr.

4 years ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of 1 year and some months, can't really remember how long. But I do remember why. But later to that. As usual breakups, heartbreak and misery plus zombifying is coming in loops so I started getting rebound gals. 4 gals after I've met this girl. (remember the rebound) Her name is, lets call her Y. Y is a petite girl with huge rack. Humongous, I can go all day. Haha. The thing is I accidentally knocked her up.

In Malaysia, knocking girls up is either 2 options, getting married or getting your ass whooped. Clearly I pick the wrong choice.

Ready or not, I submissively willing to take care of this child. At first. I married Y. It took a bit of a shock to me and her family but all goes well. But, she is just a rebound girl. Truthfully, I did'nt love her at all. All of this is for the little guy, my son. Aeril. So after ups and down, I manage to get a decent paying job, manage to pull our life together, but still, I can't love her, its not within me, its just for sex, idk why, till now. It is all for Aeril. I love my son so much, I'm willing to sacrifice my love life.

Y does'nt know my 2nd life. My naughty side. My playboy side, my playful side that got me into this marriage. Haha. So I have been drinking and partying without her knowing. I know marriage without love is gonna be suck ass but what about my son? How does the little guy wanna live? Poor guy having a bad parent, I don't want him to have a broken family like me. Its hard building personality on that.

Moving on, I stick with Y for the sake of Aeril. Now Y is pregnant again with my 2nd child. But still, it doesn't spark.

But until recently, you see, I been in and out of bar, watching live band, I love liveband while drinking, it sets the mood, so I met another girl, Pia, a rock singer with excellent voice and charisma on stage, I really admire her on stage, not off, when she is on stage, I like to stare at her till my problems are gone. So for straight week, I been visiting Mangos Tropical Bar, nice bar. But then, Pia contracts with the bar is finish, she goes to another bar which I don't like, and never get to see her (stare)

Then I saw on the instagram 2 days ago, Project X (the band she singing with) coming back on Mangos, without hesitating, I go to the bar, hopefully I can see (stare) her again. She is like an apple of my eye, lovely, nice to stare at, but not to talk to (done that and not liking it) but shes not there :(

So being sad, I just drink with my friends, getting wild, dancing, making fun of my friend. Go to the middle of the dance floor, grinding, groping hahaha all the action you want.

But, I saw this girl, IDK her real name, just call her Cassie. She's a sabahan christian, a cute, wide eyes, sparkling pupils, staring at you, hoping for you to just sink within her stare. At first its just a normal grinding, but then I realize it was different because the way she look at you is like she is holding back. Her smirk, her rolling eyes, her blushes, her move. Man I've never dance like that in years, she brings me, my old self, my self that I've been hating, my old self that I've been hiding, the real me who Y never got to see, at that time, I know we have chemistry, I know that I'm in love.

So we dance like its just us on the dance floor, loving what we sees and touch. Man, I don't know if thats just her game, but bijjjj im playinnnnn

So we rocked our body til 4. My friends already got home. So just me and her, and her annoying friends (she says its her brother but i dun buy it)

She may be drunk but her eyes is not lying. Her eyes is just like mine (not biologically) the way she look into your eyes, you just know, you will never let her go. Shit man, imagine, I never fall this hard since I broke up with my ex. This is different than my exes, this is like the first time your brain and heart, working together.

So after the bar closes, I'm thinking we go grab a bite for a moment, hell, her friends are annoying as fuck. They insisted they go back to Cyberjaya but I know she wants to get to know me. I know I catch her heart. So I ask her number and got it, and kiss her saying that we will meet again, its a magical night I've been longing for. Just to have someone to love again.

But rainbows doesnt shine forever. She ignore me in the next day, not answering my call, my chat. Shit, I just want to get to know her. Haih

So thats what been happening, I'm letting this out so I dont have to keep thinking about her. I hope it works because damn I cant stop thinking about her.

Anyway, it just felt great to love again. Just felt great to fall in love. Its just felt great to have someone to love again.

That is all folks!

Tune in for more updates.

[a-dream-vs-reality]

The kick starter

Its in the year 2012 where it is a started, I've just finish the most important exam in all malaysian life the 'SPM', or in english Malaysian Education Certificate which indicate that you gone through highschool. By this time getting into college/universities are a big deal including picking a major. Imagine me, 5"8 (that time) male, with broad shoulder, decided to take Fashion Design major. At that time I got nothing interested to so I with the mindset that I can make my own clothe, I thought "why not?"(this particular phrase are exactly the tie breaker in my decision making 👏) and I register and enrolled in KTT (a college name, you dont wanna know) So, Its all very new to me, the enviroment, the people, the vibes, all of it, so im excited like a sheep getting out of its herd.

Every day I'm dreaming, gonna get girlfriend, gonna fuck, gonna do drug, gonna drink, (yeap i wanna go wild) but turns out all im getting is drugs and drink cause being a straight guy in Fashion, its not a good impression. Men gonna think you gay, women gonna think you gay, even a tree gonna think you gay (high me speaking). But that is just my perspective, so imagine me with that kind of perspective, experiencing college? Son, you be seeing your friends trying to hit on you cause you gay, damn I've never been so homophobic in my life. I shutted in, smoked blunt, keeping people away, and its wearing me off. I started to depress. Because I am lonely. Feels rejected. My lecturer tell me to fuck off (thats just my fault) eitherway, i am depress as shit, I smoke more weed, I fap every night, skinny as fuck, lets just say, at that particular time, I was a trash. Rock bottomed. Negativity fucked me in the ass, anxieties face fuck me (nohomo)

But everything started to change when I met this girl called Shu.

She's same age as me, sweet girl, kinda kinky smile but I love it. She unconsciously brought me back up, Ive gone to class, do some assignment, I'm starting to feel alive. I'm starting to feel like I'm gonna get through this, reputation around been bad but as long as she give me attention, I'll be okay.

I love walking her to class and to her home (im 18 virgin nerd, just to clear that up), having talk about almost anything, serenade her with my guitar skills, i just felt comfortable around her and loving it. And by the way she smoke weed too, so most of the time we got high together. At one time, we were so high, she giving me sign to suck my dick, and i was a stupid-virgin to realize that, i gave her a pepsi.. Oo how i wish i could turn back time. Moving on, at some point, She promise to me that she will only got high with me. I was happy.

But. Promises were made to be broken.

One night I'm coming back from semester break. I heard a little rumour. That she got high with some of my friend, and fucked. I even got the details of it, I wished I didn't heard it. It is so heartbreaking, liver-mushing, it was my first heart break. I could'nt take it, I cannot afford to live my trash life again, and I'm avoiding her permanently. So I decided to quit this college cause 'why not?'.

[a-dream-vs-reality]

Pilot

Hello and mornight!

Its me, Zuriq. First and foremost, this particular blog is gonna be like a diary/log for me so, its gonna have some weird and sad and happy stuff goin' on in my little life that I'm want to share it to those who open-minded enough to appreciate 😊, I'm gonna be honest and proud about this.

P. S : theres gonna be a LOT of plothole so bear with it..