#anyway my heart is still pounding
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hoyo music casually being masterpieces is hardly a rare occurence BUT YOURE FUCKING KIDDING MEEE WITH THE NATLAN LIVE SYMPHONY HOLYSHIT 😭 I fanboyed. no other way to describe my excitement and giddyness. ITS SO FUCKING COOL ARE YOU SEEING THIS??? THE LYRICS THE MELODY THE SOULFULNESS 😭 my heart is so full...
I havent felt this way since I first heard Port Ormos theme (literally sounds like coming home. like songs from my childhood) and Sumeru's live symphony where I saw instruments from my culture 🥹 I can only imagine the same euphoria from other ppl who can relate to the culture presented in Natlan's live symphony will feel..
"In the end, you rekindle in ashes because of a dream."
BARSSSSS
#fuck the colorism in the character designs but goddamn they never miss with everything else#i was already incredibly happy they didnt go with the 'undeveloped savage tribalism' angle for Natlans worldbuilding (bare minimum)#and enviro#but the music... this is my first taste of it and holy frickkk ur kidding me#theyre peaking so hard#now if only the characters didnt look like that... though i have a sneaking suspicion theyre gona make me love them anyway :(#like how i warmed up to Nilou and Sumeru characters#despite them not looking like my people :'(#aishi.txt#anyway my heart is still pounding#the Natlan music is so goooood holy shit😭#hoyo always makes me conflicted arghhh#im gonna take inspo from redesigns if i ever make Natlan fanart mhdmhffm i was so set to skip this patch but 😭#they seem to be going all in for Natlan so i might as well stick around while its still summer break for me :')))
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something something blood-soaked hands cradling your face something something
anyway here's the post btw
#what if post dp3 logan struggles to emotionally accept that wade Will Actually For Real Survive Anything#and one time they are fighting some random baddies#and they somehow get in a few shots straight to wade's cranium and he drops like a bag of slutty slutty potatoes#and logan goes full berserker trying to get to him#like he just massacres everyone in his way and wade still isnt getting up ohnoohnoohnonotagainohno#(healing factor or no a few direct shots to the brain stem/t box take a bit to recover from)#(no more than five minutes but it's an eternity to logan)#and his heart sinks to the very core of the earth as he kneels down next to wade's body#and his hands are shaking and soaked in blood and he can't seem to sheathe his claws in his dazed adrenalined state#he tries to peel back wade's mask and fear is just *pounding* through his system because in that moment#all he can see are the xmen dead in massive pools of blood#and that feeling of unreality is rushing over him like thiscantbehappeningthiscantbehappeningnotagainohgodnotagain#wade's still and unresponsive and there is so Much BLOOD (hard to tell how much is Wade's and how much is just on his hands)#and logan doesn't even realize he's crying until suddenly wade's eyes light up like a computer restarting#and he's smiling and gasping and joking immediately#“well howdy there hot stuff what did I miss?”#and then he clocks that logan is Not Okay#“... well gee willikers golly goddamn peanut 'twas only a flesh wound! no need to go all waterworks over lil ol me”#“you know it would take a helluva lot more than that to make me shuffle off this here mortal coil!”#“see all better I'm hunky dory peachy keen right as fucking rain”#“I mean cmon I can't have been out for more than five minutes so let's just go back to you being exasperated with my bullshit antics okay??#“...okay sugarboobs? snookums? babycakes?.... Logan?”#and they just sit there on the floor holding each other for a while#wade babbling and logan crying about everything he's lost and wondering distantly how he has come to care so much#about this blithering jokester in like barely a week#that the thought of losing him brought him crashing back to the worst memory of his extremely rough life#anyway that's enough tag mini fic lolol I'm having feelings about my own drawing I guess 😵#poolverine#deadpool and wolverine#poolverine art
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so i just finished zzz chapter 5…..
#zzz… honk shoo mimimi…#CRYING MY HEART IS STILL POUNDING#it was so good…. oh my god it was so good…..#the start and build-up and end….. ourgh….#did chap 4 + yanagi special ep + chap 5 all in one day wow#zzz i am sorry i put u off for so long u are literally one of my fav games rn what#i love all the factions sm….. section 6 + sons of calydon + victoria housekeeping + belobog industries + cunning hares + pubsec….#well. the playables of pubsec.#ANYWAY#i already screamed in discord abt it and its nearly 1 am so i will be sleeping now but omg……#SO GN EVERYONE RAHH
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i always said that once i stop caring what other people think about me it’s over for you bitches and it’s finally happened i’m literally untouchable
#everyone else my age like oh i’m getting married ! oh i had a baby ! me i’m becoming evil#i decided months ago that i’m done i live in the worst place in the country or on earth even and these asshole people are not getting any#more out of me. i don’t smile at anyone anymore. i don’t make eye contact. i’m done with this place and these rude ass people#so today i was at the gas station and pulled up behind someone and got out and the pump didn’t work so i got back in#and waited for the girl in front of me to be done bc everywhere else had a line anyway#so when she finally leaves the asshole in the jeep behind me is yelling at me through his window and literally about to rear end me#and i’m trying to tell him that one doesn’t work so he’s still yelling at me through the window and i keep mouthing IT DOES NOT WORK#bc he simply is not getting and finally he sticks his piece of shit head out the window and LISTENS to me and i said it DOESNT WORK.#it’s BROKEN.#and i realize he thought i was just waiting to be at the first pump and holding up the line but i don’t fucking care#so then he goes. oh. and he gets out and i said you can try it but it says it’s broken.#monotone bc i’m not trying to be nice#and he’s like oh ok. then i take back everything i said about you in the car LOL#and i said. ok.#and he said nah i wasnt saying anything about you#and i said nothing#then he’s a fuck face so he’s all embarrassed and acting like we’re buddies now#so he’s like huuuh. usually there’s an attendant walking around.. and i say i havent seen anyone. not looking at him#and he goes huuuh usually they put a sign or something out that it’s broken and i said nothing so like#the slimy piece of shit he is he silently gets back in his car and waits and then i leave and i’m like#in this circumstance 100% normally my heart would have been pounding out my chest bc i’m afraid of confrontation and who isnt afraid of#men yelling at them but this time i felt nothing except anger bc why the fuck are you trying to start something with me in the fucking gas#station go to another fucking line if you’re in that big of a rush and also learn how to fucking read when it says pump out of order#before you try to fucking rear end me which go for it btw bc i have dash cams and anyway#i’m so fucking sick of living here and i’ll never get out#but. i’m proud of myself for not being afraid or scared and just dealing with that piece of shit straightforward
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Sorry guys for being completely unhinged this weekend 🙏 but I can't help it and I refuse to be normal about it
#its been a good weekend what can i say#but like seriously i think this has been the most exciting and insane wknd of my life#like in terms of my interest and hobbies it has been fucking nuts#ive been so deranged thank you mutuals for putting up with me ilysm <3#ive screamed like actually fully screamed at the top of my lungs at least three times this weekend#(the end of that quali session and then josef winning the 500 and then the tomgreg moment)#but i feel like ive just been on crack this whole weekend#its just been insane event after insane event and ive just been completely unhinged !#but its been so much fun i dont think ive had this much excitement and fun in my life in so long#(bahrain probably hsjdjfkf)#okay anyways i need to have like at least 24 hours to calm down so bear with me#AND I STILL HAVE TO WATCH BARRY'S FINALE FUCK#but then after ive recovered from this eventful wknd ill be back on my bullshit!(gifing old stuff lolol)#okay just need to scream bcs i really just dont feel normal at all at the moment#like so many times this wknd ive had so many moments where ive been shaking and heart pounding and sweating#took like 50 years off my life but in a pleasant insane way#great fun i am having :D#again love you guys <3#catie.rambling.txt#oops must add:#succession spoilers
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I have too much anxiety for one tiny mortal body and if I dont maul my problems in bloodied sacrifice at the hour of the moon’s ascension then all may be for naught
#deathkin#godkin#otherkin#therian#alterhuman#immgoing to explode maybe#like mannnnnn its 4 am and my heart is pounding over stuff that doesnt matter#LIKE- it’s literally not important not life or death but im still having a fear response#like no??? stop it?????#right now???????#anyways#anxiety#anxiety disorder
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i lived
#girl i thought i was going to collapse from the way my chest was burning and my heart was pounding#she was so cheerful and normal i was in shock and she was like 'did you lose sleep over what happened?' in this joking way#and i was like.....i have been crying on and off and feeling sick to my stomach the last two days....i didn't actually say that ofc#i just went 'haha yeah' hgkshfjsjfhdhhd#then at the end of the day i asked her to tell me what really happened and she did and she showed me receipts too#her messages and emails from that parent#so what i got out of that conversation was that the parent was really mad that i was still waiting all the way till 5#even though she emailed me saying her daughter would be late. why did i stay all the way till 5#.....so That was the problem. for some reason#i still don't really get it but ig that's why my boss was like 'this is why you have to let me handle the parents; they're unpredictable'#she said it's something to learn from at the end of the day and not to worry about it#which like. okay. but i still wish she told me about this no correspondence rule in the first place#anyway it's over and i can finally breathe again. seriously feels like i've come back ro life. the last 2 days were nightmarish#i'm actually glad i talked to her after the day was over because being with the kids really helps me feel better. they're so cute
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it's been like 5 hours and i think i'm still kinda stressed about femme (2023) which is surely the highest possible praise
#i'll still forever mourn the george mackay of it all#even though it got like. somewhat better towards the end#but i know that man went to private school and i cannot tolerate it#working class actors are rare as is. anyways#if you like suspense watch femme#i can't believe i'm old enough that we get to see nsj do 3-dimensional things#how exciting for us all#also bonkers to think he's old. but so am i#my heart's just been pounding for hours#that was a lot in a good way#a movie that gave me suspense until the last second#i yelled a lot
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yknow I play a lot of hard games but usually not "took 73 days to beat" hard
#aka gUESS WHO JUST BEAT RAIN WORLD. AFTER TWO AND A HALF MONTHS#rain world#peridots-nonsense#i got into subterranean like a week ago but have been mostly hanging around by the worm grass shelter for 20 cycles#i went to every region (even if i only spent a couple minutes total in drainage lol). met every echo besides the farm arrays one.#got every passage achievement (every one besides dragon slayer/wanderer in outskirts and industrial within my first few weeks of playing)#and never used a passage anyway. three months!!! rounding up a little! for a game that can be beat in less than 20 cycles.#dh was twelve days (though i'd played through part of it years earlier). stray was seven hours. insc was only a couple days.#i've done two separate ultkill playthroughs so not sure which to count but both were less than a week#hk was actually just over a month. may 24 to june 26th. which is still so much less than this. bftes about a month too#i remember how even just a week into rw i felt like i'd been playing it forever...even just a week in i knew it would be one of Those Games#where i wish i could play it over for the first time again. boy was i right. it almost felt like a second life at times#i loved just running around in certain areas building up stores of food and spears and vulture masks#(what comes to mind are / HI_S02 / CC_S05 / SI_S04 / SB_S07. the first two felt like home!)#(* up in the sixth tag i missed the friend. i was relishing in hubristic bloodlust especially in CC so i didn't have much time for taming)#if the tags here seem particularly incoherent i only falsely apologize. i'm just. reminiscing. i don't think i can do anything else#my heart was pounding as soon as i reached the depths. after 325 cycles. 116 hours. two and a half months. it's over.#maybe a little dramatic but hey it took up an invariable portion of my life for a fifth of a year so. it's just interesting#anyway. a standard ''i took too long on this and now the sun's rising'' goodbye to you tag-wanderer
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going to cry because i am worried i won't finish all the crochet gifts in time :''")
#okay wait time to decide on a vent tag sjdkskl UHHHHH#can i just... tag it with ... ''vent //'' or is that annoying to add to a the tumblr filtering system fhdkdl#thats how old school tumblr cw/tw tagging worked fjdkl they'd just put slashes in so thats what im used to#vent //#we'll go with that ig? lmk if that doesnt work for anybody for any reason and u want smth else and I'll accomodate!!!#okay. um. anyways yeah idk fjdkdl i have been crocheting pretty much all day? i havent done anything else other than eat meals fjdksl#just... crocheting. my wrist hurts sm fjfkdl#i would still be crocheting but after messing up three times on this wing and frogging it all the way back i gave uo#up*#decided to just call it a night bc damn thats frustrating! idk what i was doing wrong but i kept ending up w the wrong amount of stitches!!#i think theres a possibility i can finish everything but im rly not sure fhdkdl tomorrow is already the 17th#im just. afraid fhdkdl i rly want this to work out !!! agh!!#I cant tell if my current chest pain is from anxiety or from medication (which i take for heart pounding from anxiety) wearing off djdkdl#ough. uncomfortable. I'll go draw and hopefully i can calm down bc im just sbdhdkl so afraid rn#IT ALSO DOESNT HELP that im the only one besides Kam in the system who knows how to crochet well fsbdhdkl#so the others cannot take over bc they cannot crochet either at all or as fast as i can :') i am stuck! in front!! AGGHH#i want a break man djsksl this season is so bad for me mentally fbjfdkl but by god i am getting thru it#okay off to go draw now fhdksl i have several ideas for drawing yay
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annoying recent new Symptom
#i keep fucking. placeboing myself into thinking im having a heart attack#its hard to describe but i keep feeling like. phantom pangs of my heart pounding a second ago and i just now became aware of it#so like. even just sitting here dead still KNOWING i dont feel ANYTHING i keep getting the sensation that it just happened a moment ago#ITS FUCKING ANNOYYIIINNGGG CAUSE I KNOW THATS EXACTLY WHAT IT IS AND IT KEEPS MAKING ME SPIRAL ANYWAY#yesterday i had to get up and walk around and splash water in my face and it still took like 10 minutes to pass#and it feels like its building up to that again. growls.
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just woke up from an accidental nap to yelling and oh my GOD did my ptsd put me up those stairs at the speed of light
#i guess i only now realized#how calm it's been#and how hostile it used to be#anyway#it's been like 15 minutes#and my heart is still pounding#ghjd#not mlm#dantes talking again
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Absolutely horrific heart pounding nightmare woke me up for the day. That's. a start to it lmao
#text post#it started out so cool and had like. Jim as a diver? in something v futuristic for some docu that olu was narrating#but it just got. horrible minute by minute#Olu's narration revealed that the earth had been decimated by a war involving multiple nuclear weapons#and somehow things were like. okay enough for some survivors like him and jim to make it? but things were V Fucked lmao#then midway thru jims device/pod thing broke and it felt like i was literally controlling them thru an ocean under the crust of the earth#(no idea what that's abt lmao i think my brain spaced on set dressing this dream a lil bit)#and it was like trying to swim them thru pudding but with so many irradiated and fucked up and ANGRY sea creatures all around#i got them to the surface after floating past a bunch of bodies but they were basically out of air by then so they were gasping hard#and i woke up right then and woke up basically the same way lmao#it's been several minutes now and my heart is still pounding like mad#and im crying a little and can't seem to stop but today i set aside to try and force myself to have a good big cry#i need to find something to watch to make me cry tho so maybe s2 thus far again lol bc certain moments might do it#more likely i need to see what else i have from my past watchlists that are Guaranteed Cry items and try one of those#so i can get over this current thing with the ptsd and get my shit back together even temporarily#duct tape that all back together in the box in my brain until the next random trigger (bc i still dunno exactly what made this one go)#i think it might actually be my brain processing late a lot of Move Feelings re: mum & family bc that's what Housemate#and i talked abt last night a lot but ultimately im ???? as to a for sure trigger#anyway GOOD FUCKING MORNING i guess aksndjffjfj
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girl help im going back n forth on whether or not i should send an email to thank the beautiful man fr letting me join the drawing session last week (more info on that entire situation here and here) and letting him know i probably wont be back but appreciate having had the experience either way. great or horrible idea leave a comment or DM to lmk.
#anyway more nuance on the whole situation is this. i am very single and this guy keeps being on my mind but i do not have any read on him#the last contact we had was me makin an ass of myself by going like hehe yeah this was nice everyone was nice ok yall have a nice evenin bye#while my heart was like visibly pounding out of my chest and u could probably see on my face i was internally thinking girl shut UP!!! LEAVE#so im like ok either hes weirded out by me so let me say thx AGAIN now in a composed way AND giving him peace of mind knowing i wont be back#unless?? i was not as awkward as i thought & get reassured i can return any time and then i could still b like thanks! and just Not go#i mean even then he might say it's fine even if he IS uncomfrtable w me just to 1. be nice and 2. make money w a participant locked in yknow#it does NOT help that the line btwn casual and professional was like NOT there btw its him just hosting the event as we all do our art idkkk#anyway if you THINK youve PROBABLY been a lil off is it better to 1. have a do-over and get closure or 2. fuck off forever hoping u never#like EVER run into the dude again and be awkward AGAIN bc well! u live in the same city and are both into art so?? there IS a possibility#I CAN SEE THE PROS AND CONS OF BOTH OPTIONS REALLY#yay for sending email: get a response get some clarity NOW. nay for sending email: girl u met him twice. please. leave the stranger alone <3#the one positive abt me feeling Dumb and Embarrassing is at least every time i think back i heave a Big Ole Sigh. feels nice tbh feels good#sad part is i rediscovered how much i love doing art and want to improve. would love to return it was so cheap.. pleek ill get over my crush
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Using the pomodoro method for studying when it comes to writing with Lofi music is great but my tea kettle takes WAY longer than 5 minutes to heat up >:(
#writing problems#anyway lofi girl on YouTube has a timed pomodoro channel#I don’t like how hyper I am right now#I cannot sit still or focus and my heart won’t stop pounding
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oh my god besties I spoke to a literary agent last night
#jokes I was so scared mt heart was POUNDING#it was at a writing event tbing#and she looks me dead in the eye#and says#so what are you writing at the moment#and I ofc tben forgot how to speak English for 3 seconds#but I recovered and we had a good chat#I was in so much shock tho it was Not.a stellar first impression#but it was STILL OKAY#anyway that’s my life update for u
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