#anyway long talk later where he’s pretty cool about my feelings i’m just a bit upset

[lilgynt]

[kitten4sannie]

ᴄʀᴀᴢʏ ꜰᴏʀᴍ | ᴘᴀʀᴛ ᴏɴᴇ

pairing: dilf! san x boytoy! wooyoung x fem! reader

genre: smut <3

summary: you search for a rebound at your local club after a break up. the club owner and his favorite boyfriend are there to satisfy your needs.

w.c: 3.3k

warnings: daddy dom kinda switch! san (almost chewed my fingers off writing him like this trust), dom! wooyoung (he’s kinda passively there when it comes to reader but i promise he’ll be more prominent in part two~), subby good girl! reader, woosan, alcohol use, reader is not drunk but sufficiently tipsy, daddy kink, dirty talk, pet names (angel, princess, pretty girl, etc), teasing, possessiveness, praise, voyeurism/exhibitionism, body worship, grinding, kissing, marking, fingering, double? blowjob? idk (san gets head while giving it too oop-) , deep-throating, slight hair pulling, snowballing

a/n: hii guess who’s back from the dead just in time for the cb? <3 and i brought a present ~ a naughty one hehe :3 the inspo came from those pics above bc they look so expensive and cunty and so yummy ugh and THEN san decided to strip at the mama awards and now i’m ILL and ready to howl at the moon anyways !!this is out of pocket like usual and i put my whole kitty into it okayyy so i hope you enjoy and pls lemme know if you’re excited for part two >< <33

song rec: incubator by ph-1, gun by doja cat, wine pon you also by doja cat feat. konshens (every time i hear the last part it reminds me of san’s dance cover hnnnnhgg)

“Girl, you better slow down on that drink,” the woman sitting beside you at the bar warned, resting her forearms down on the cool surface of the sleek marble countertop, continuing to watch you slurp down a long island iced tea. “I’m not about to hold your hair up for you later.”

“Can you leave me alone? I’m grieving over here, god,” you whined to her with your straw still in between your pouting, quivering lips, your eyes brimming with tears. “And for the record, he broke up with me over text. Text.”

She shook her head. “You are not about to cry over a man right now.”

You pushed your empty glass away, before dramatically pointing a finger into your chest, causing the strap of your dress to droop down your shoulder a bit. “You’re right, but I can still be a mess if I want to, thank you very much.”

“Well, you’re certainly achieving that,” she stated, idly sipping on her own drink, looking you up and down until you felt like you had to prove something to her.

“Okay, fuck this,” you muttered, pushing yourself off of the barstool and pulling your dress down where it was beginning to rise up near your ass, sniffling a bit.

“Where are you going?”

Pulling out a small tube from the v-neck of your dress to apply a fresh coat of lip gloss, you smacked your lips together and motioned your hand to the vast amounts of sweaty, drunk people grinding on each other on the opposite side of the club. “I’m gonna get some rebound dick. Don’t wait up.”

The woman smiled to herself as she watched you disappear into the sea of people, still just sipping on her drink. Little did you know, someone else was already waiting for you in that crowd. And they came as a package deal.

-

“I want her, Sannie,” Wooyoung chimed to the older man that was sitting beside him on the comfy VIP couch, the man’s arm wrapped protectively around his waist. The younger man took a finger off of his fruity drink to point at the woman that was feeling herself up with her body pressed to an unnamed man on the dance floor across from them, charmed by the unbothered, almost melancholic expression imprinted on her flushed face, like she was just waiting for someone like them to take care of her, to make her pretty face flush for a different reason.

San followed Wooyoung’s manicured nail until it led to the sight of you, a few wrinkles etched into his skin near his lips and where his eyes creased with amusement. “Mmm. Shall I leave you to your own devices then? Daddy can watch you seduce that pretty girl from here, can’t he?” His smile deepened when Wooyoung shifted beside him, his thigh pressing into San’s larger one, knowing his plaything was already getting hot under the collar. San held Wooyoung’s chin between his ringed fingers, leaning in to murmur, “And you’ll be a good boy and bring her to me once you get her nice and wet, won’t you?”

“Yes, Daddy,” Wooyoung replied breathily, barely getting his words out when the man pulled him in for a heated kiss.

Just when Wooyoung began to lean into him, his hands resting on San’s leather-bound chest, the older man broke the kiss, wiping the other’s saliva from his mouth. “Get going, naughty boy.”

Despite being dizzy with need, Wooyoung nodded, obediently nodding as he stood up from the couch. He fixed his hair and checked his makeup, before heading into the sea of sweaty, lust-drunk people to find you.

You were almost too busy rolling your body along to the hypnotic flow of the house track that was bumping through the speakers around you to notice the warmth of someone else pulling you near him, his hand sliding onto the small of your back and his lips against your ear, goosebumps forming across your skin.

“Can I steal you away?” Wooyoung whispered in a low voice, smiling at your slow nod, your eyes practically dilating at the sight of him. You didn’t know angels frequented night clubs. That was news to you. The both of you silently watched as his veiny hands slowly slid onto your hips, his fingers squeezing into them just enough to make you shiver.

He brought you back against him with a gentleness that made you a little weak in the knees, moving his hips against yours, guiding you against his body to the pulsing beats of the song.

Desperate to be needed by the obscenely attractive stranger, you took it upon yourself to grind back against him, feeling his cock harden against your ass through his satin pants.

“Fuck, baby, don’t you know what’ll happen if you keep doing that?” he exhaled into your ear, his fingers moving down slightly to squeeze your thighs.

You turned your head back to meet his searing gaze, licking your lips, your eyelids lowering. “What’s going to happen?”

Glancing to the side to make sure San was still watching, which he was, with a hand clutching his upper thigh, Wooyoung looked back to you, his hands moving further outwards to feel the sides of your ass, encouraging your dress to move up little by little, replying, “We’ll have to play with you, angel.”

“Yes, please,” you breathed out, resting your head against his chest, allowing him to feel up your body, his hands groping along your abdomen to your tits, the cogs inside your head moving at a slower rate than usual. “Wait…did you just say…we’ll?” Just as you spoke, Wooyoung reached around to grasp your chin and guide it to the side, allowing you to spot the fiery-headed gentleman manspreading on the VIP couch across from you, his heated gaze alone making you throb. “Isn’t…that the guy who owns this place?”

“Mm, he owns a lot of things. You see, darling, even though I want you all to myself–” Wooyoung squeezed his hands around your barely clothed tits through your dress, making you moan. “San doesn’t like it when I don’t share with him.” His hands slowly moved down your front to your clothed cunt, feeling your wetness coat his fingers when he rubbed them against your clothed slit. All you could focus on was the way San shifted around on the couch, his hands gripping his thighs like his body was aching to be free from his tight ensemble, Wooyoung’s upcoming offer barely getting processed in your hazy brain. “Do you wanna meet him?”

One single nod was all it took for Wooyoung to take your hand with a knowing smile on his pretty face, like he could already tell what was about to go down that night, before guiding you past the crowd, the bouncers, and directly up to San, who was eagerly waiting your arrival.

As soon as you stepped foot into the exclusive lounge, the visual of the older man had your already weak knees ready to buckle underneath you now that you could see him up close. He was dressed head to toe in sleek, expensive leather. The top only had two buttons to support his front, his broad chest on full display for you to drool over. Your eyes eventually followed upwards until you got to his obscenely handsome face, his sharp, feline-like features bathed in the club’s sinful red lighting. Then, of course, the nail in the coffin was the dimpled smile he offered you, one that was so inviting that you didn’t realize you were being drawn to him like a moth to a burning flame.

“That’s right, go ahead and get nice and comfortable on my lap, sweetheart,” his words, sweet like honey, melted off his tongue in a low drawl, his limbs wrapping around you as soon as you sat down on his lap, resting one hand comfortably on your thigh, his other reaching up to play with your hair. “What brought you here tonight? To my pretty boy? To me?”

You gently hooked an arm around his neck to keep yourself upright, gazing at Wooyoung who sat beside you both on the couch, his fingers rubbing gentle circles around one of your ankles, before turning your head to look at the older man, trying to keep bad memories from flooding your brain.

San gently twirled your hair around his finger, urging in a deep, comforting voice, “Let it out. Don’t be afraid, princess.”

Your brain offered you a pleasant fuzziness instead. “I…had a bad breakup…I just really wanted to come here, get my back blown out, and forget about it all, you know?”

Wooyoung stifled a cackle, while San’s lower lip jutted out in a pout, his hand splaying across your upper thigh, slowly rubbing it up and down. “Poor angel. I bet he never made you feel needed, huh?” You mirrored his pout, shaking your head. “I can make you feel needed, baby. Do you want that?” A nod this time, your breath caught in your throat. San leaned in, pressing his lips to your warm cheek, murmuring, “Then, let Daddy take care of you, alright?”

And just like that, there were no rules anymore. No regulations. No holding back. Just you, two strangers, and a club full of people that couldn’t care less about what you were doing. San still held you in his lap, your trembling legs just barely spread open enough to allow his hand in between them, rubbing his thick digits against your cunt through your soaked panties, while Wooyoung had a front row seat. “Is it good for you, baby? Or do you want more?”

“More,” you exhaled, about to say something when San squeezed your clit roughly, making you gasp.

“More, what, princess?” San leaned in, pressing a gentle kiss to your lips, whispering against them, “What’s my name?”

“More, Daddy,” you corrected yourself, just as San’s ringed fingers moved past your panties and slipped right inside you up to the knuckle, filling you up just enough to make your brain go fuzzy.

Wooyoung moaned just when you did, biting his lip at the sight of San’s veins popping out when he began to pump his fingers in and out of your squelching hole. “Fuck, that’s so hot…she’s so wet, Daddy…”

“She is, isn’t she?” San agreed, curling his fingers inside you until he hit the spot that made you drool, his lips suddenly latching onto your neck to leave his mark behind on your skin so you could remember exactly what you did when you woke up the next morning. “Look at you, taking my fingers in your tight little cunt like this. Such a good girl.”

“Uh-huh,” you could barely verbalize, whining at his words, clenching around his digits. You could barely focus on anything else except for the older man’s thick fingers stretching you out, his rings offering you a pleasure you didn’t realize you needed in your life, though Wooyoung’s warm hands on your thighs and gentle smile kept you from getting too lost in the moment.

However, San was in the same boat as you, his trapped, throbbing cock already leaking so much pre-cum that he was about to lose it, encouraging him to suggest, “Mm, but you need Daddy’s cock, don’t you?” He watched you give him a weak nod, knowing you were on the edge of orgasming from the way your body began to lock up. “I should just fuck you dumb right here for everyone to see. Have you make a big mess on this couch. It’s my club, after all. Why shouldn’t I do what I want?” He sped up the pace, practically pounding his fingers into your cunt, your arousal leaking down your shaking thighs, continuing to dispel filthy words for only you and his boytoy to hear. “Fuck, they’ll enjoy seeing a pretty thing like you fall apart on my lap, won’t they? See this cunt of yours stretch around my cock and take my cum inside. Mmm. See the way I make you mine.”

Everything was too much. The crowded room. The possibility of someone’s eyes on you. San’s filthy words. His fingers jammed inside your soaked cunt. Wooyoung’s unwavering gaze, his hands squeezing into your thighs. The unrelenting pleasure coursing through your body. You ended up cumming so hard, you saw stars, not even realizing San was silencing your pleasured cries until you felt his lips on yours and his tongue push into your open mouth. Just as San pulled away, Wooyoung took his place, tasting the alcohol on your tongue, before gently tugging on your bottom lip with his teeth.

“Should we go to your office now, Sannie?” Wooyoung asked the older man, his hooded eyes flitting between San’s and yours, neither of you even having to speak another word before you all got up from the couch.

-

“Whoa,” you murmured to yourself, looking around the expansive room, the interior matching the rest of the sleek club. Aside from the small computer desk setup in the corner, there was a large bed with satin sheets that took up a good portion of the room, but most of your attention was on the mirrors that were perfectly positioned on either side of the bed, as well as the ceiling. “Mirrors?”

“Sannie likes to watch himself,” Wooyoung giggled, rubbing the small of your back in comforting circles, leading you to the bed alongside San who sat down on the edge of it, looking up to you and Wooyoung who stood behind you, running his hands along your sides up to your shoulders, before taking hold of the zipper of your dress.

“I like to watch pretty angels like you come undone too. Watch the lust take over you until you’re covered in sweat and cum,” San mused, gazing into your eyes until Wooyoung slowly pulled the straps of your dress down, the both of them watching it fall from your body. Groaning, San began to mirror Wooyoung’s actions, unbuttoning his blazer, then pulling it off and revealing an expanse of smooth tan skin, the muscles in his arms flexing as he began to unbuckle his pants. Once San’s pants hit the floor and his thick, veiny cock sprung up, you found yourself sinking down to your knees, your mouth watering at the sight of pre-cum dribbling down the man’s reddened cockhead. “What do you want, princess? Tell me.”

“Your cock,” you requested immediately, settling your hands on his strong thighs. “In my mouth, please.”

“Ahh…?” San tilted his head to the side, his eyebrows raising up slightly.

“Daddy,” you replied swiftly, leaning in to rub your cheek against his hot, throbbing length, pouting, licking at the pre-cum that dripped onto your face. “Please.”

“Good girl. So dirty for me. Aren’t I a lucky man?” San let out a satisfied sigh, reaching down to wrap a good amount of your hair around his fist, holding it in a ponytail so that he could see your face, before sliding his cock into the hot, slick haven that was your mouth and throat. “That’s it, suck it nice and hard, princess. Show me how much you like having Daddy’s cock in your mouth.”

You reciprocated, throating his cock the best you could, choking and gagging occasionally, digging your fingers into his thighs.

“Mmm, there you go. You’re so good for me, angel. Don’t stop, okay?” San praised, closing his eyes, gripping your hair, slowly thrusting himself into your open mouth, delighted by the lewd sounds of your moans and the squelching sounds coming from your throat. Once he felt Wooyoung’s fingers slide into his hair and grip it, San looked up, watching Wooyoung lift one leg up onto the edge of the bed, the younger man’s eyes full of hunger.

Finally getting your throat to relax completely, you simply continued to take San’s cock in your throat, having to blink the remaining tears away to see San clearly — though nothing could prepare you for the sight of Wooyoung guiding San’s head downwards, his twitching cock disappearing inside San’s willing mouth.

“Fuck, it feels so hot,” Wooyoung panted, a bit of drool leaving his plump lips, thrusting deeper until he entered San’s throat, the older man’s groans vibrating onto Wooyoung’s balls each time they touched his chin. “Daddy acts so big and bad all the time, but he just loves getting cock rammed down his throat, huh?”

Wooyoung knew him so well. That’s why he was his favorite, well, aside from the angel that was taking him to heaven with only her mouth. San reached up with his free hand to massage Wooyoung’s balls, guiding his mouth along the younger man’s cock himself, sucking him off like he was made for it, like he always did.

Letting go of San’s hair to touch his own body, shuddering at all the pleasure at his disposal, Wooyoung gazed down at you, watching you obediently take San’s cock, the man’s hand still wrapped up in your hair and tugging at it. “Look at you go. You look so pretty when your mouth’s stuffed with cock, angel. You’re gonna make my Daddy cum so hard for you, huh?”

Squeezing your thighs together around your hand that was playing with your dripping cunt, you nodded your head, swearing you were about to cum just from what was happening around you, knowing San was in a similar place from the way he started to involuntarily buck his hips up into your mouth.

“Don’t swallow and save some for me, baby, okay? Don’t be stingy,” Wooyoung reminded you in a strained, breathy voice, almost falling over from the way San gripped one side of his hips, a string of obscenities falling from his lips when the man forcefully drove his throbbing cock into his hot throat, about to see god herself when San’s throat began constricting around his length like a pussy would. “Fuck, gonna cum, Sannie.”

San pulled back, a few thick strings of saliva connecting his swollen lips to Wooyoung’s dripping tip, his hand closing around the base to jerk him off. “Cum on Sannie’s face, will you? Make a big fucking mess for me.”

Wooyoung whined and panted, San’s slick hand moving quickly along his length, trying not to choke on his spit and moans, barely able to stay upright, but thankfully San had a good grip on his hips.

San looked down at you, licking the saliva from his lips, pulling out just enough so that his thick cockhead rested on your tongue. “Are you going to take this load? Hmm? Want it?”

“Yes, fuck, Daddy, please give it to me,” you begged, panting heavily, your fingers about to slip out of you from how fast you were moving them.

“Oh god, here it comes, angel,” San groaned out, squeezing around the base of Wooyoung’s cock, making him let out a broken, high-pitched whine.

Your combined pleasure came rocketing up to an intense peak, sending the three of you into a mindnumbing state of ecstasy. Thick, hot spurts of liquid came raining down on San’s face, just as his load shot out onto your tongue and down your throat, your own release soaking into the velvet carpet underneath you.

Fading out of reality during the majority of your high, your ears ringing, it took you a minute to realize that someone’s mouth was on yours, their fingers cupping your face. Opening your glossy eyes, you watched in a daze as Wooyoung took his sweet time slurping San’s cum off of your tongue.

San gripped Wooyoung’s hair and brought his head back, parting his lips and allowing Wooyoung to shovel his own cum into his mouth, swallowing it down with a low, pleased groan.

Pleased with the sin that was taking place in front of you, you took it upon yourself to drag your tongue across San’s chiseled jaw to his cheek, collecting some of Wooyoung’s release into your mouth, only to press your lips to his, letting him taste himself. Wooyoung moaned into your mouth, deepening the kiss, until San pulled you away from each other.

“Haven’t had enough, you two?” San chuckled, running a hand through his sweaty hair.

“No~ Not after that,” you giggled, rubbing your cheek against San’s palm when he caressed it.

Wooyoung wrapped his arms around you, looking at San with a sweet smile, his long eyelashes fluttering. “Can we keep her, Daddy? I promise I’ll take good care of her.”

Little wrinkles formed near San’s eyes once he smiled at you. “I suppose so.”

Apply for the taglist here ⇢ ♡

© kitten4sannie, 2023.

[stevieschrodinger]

Part One

“Double denim, bold choice.”

I’m not, like, doing this on purpose, Billy huffs, leaning against the bathroom wall. Maybe it’s you.

“What’s me?”

Maybe it’s you choosing my outfits, maybe it’s not even me.

“What like my own regular dress up Barbie, Billy edition?”

Maybe.

Eddie squints in the mirror, initially thinks he’s going to go for some speedos or something but then figures that’s way too telling. Billy Hargrove is hot, sure, with his curls and his stupid little mustache and his fucking golden tanned biceps- He concentrates on a Dio tee shirt instead. Like really fucking tries to switch the plain white tee Billy is wearing but – nope. Nothing happens.

You look like you’re constipated.

Eddie rolls his eyes, “It’s not me. The outfit. Or if it is, it’s not me doing it like, consciously.”

I know it ain’t you, Billy pops the collar of the jacket, hunches his shoulders and eyes himself in the mirror, you wouldn’t pick this, I actually look good.

And he does, especially next to Eddie. Eddie’s still bruised to hell and walking like he’s a hundred and fifty years old. Eddie’s hair is a greasy mess and he’s got patchy stubble all over his face. Eddie is still rocking a hospital gown. Eddie knows he looks like shit, and on top of all that he's now actually offended, "this isn't exactly what I'd normally choose to wear Hargrove."

Eddie’s got strict instructions to be quick, and to press the call button right after so the nurse can put fresh dressings on him. Eddie promises himself to do instruction number two to make up for the fact that he's playing fast and loose with instruction number one.

The water just feels so good. Even if he has been standing too long and he's slumped against the wall, it feels so good to wash all this shit off him. The near death. The upside down. The smell of hospital. All of it. He could stand here all day, but he knows, physically, his body will let him down on that one sooner or later, so he gets on with it.

Is that a bar of soap?? On your hair??? Billy sounds beyond horrified.

“Shhhh man, let me enjoy being clean.”

Tell me this isn’t normally how you wash your hair.

“Alright, I won’t.”

When we get out of here that’s the first thing we are going to sort out. Your hair is a fixer upper but we can definitely do something with it.

Eddie sighs, “can we think about this another time, my hair is like, not my priority right now.”

Billy falls silent for all of two minutes, jesus Munson, where have you been hiding that?

“My dick is not up for discussion.”

Why is he looking at you like that?

Eddie desperately tries to ignore Billy, but when he’s actually having a conversation it’s fucking hard, “thanks Steve.”

“And I rescued your guitar too, I don’t think there’s anything left at the trailer, but I’m pretty sure Owen’s won’t let me in again anyway, one and done kind of deal, plus I think they're going to like, take it away? Maybe?-”

Does he usually ramble like this?

“-anyway, I saved everything I could. It's in my garage right now, and these are the books I brought in for now, Dustin said you really like this one-”

Who the fuck is Dustin? Isn’t that one of Max’s little twerps?

“-but if there’s any that you want, just ask. Or something different, they've reopened the library now.”

What has happened to him? Didn’t he used to be cool?

“Thanks Steve,” Eddie can feel his fucking eye twitching, trying to ignore Billy, “I really appreciate all this man, like, I can’t tell you how much.” He thinks he's talking too loud to try and drown out Billy, and then tries to speak normally. Knows he's being weird from how Steve looks at him.

Suck up.

Shut the fuck up, he’s doing a nice thing.

“You okay? You went a bit like, cross eyed there.”

“Fine, fine, just not a hundred percent yet, or whatever.”

“Right right,” Steve nods, “I’m going to go and get the kids, they’re in with Max-"

What does he mean, they’re with Max? The panic that radiates from Billy is almost palpable.

Eddie repeats the words before he can even think it through, "what do you mean, they're in with Max?"

Steve rubs his forehead, then runs his hands through his hair and sits down again, "right, sorry. I did mean to tell you about this-"

Make him get to the fucking point.

"-so she was going to be the fourth sacrifice, right? Well El managed to stop it, from wherever she was. And that was what like, weakened Vecna? Stopped his plan or whatever, and I swear she's fine, she's getting better already, like woke up almost right away once Vecna was dead, Lucas says - but, he still hurt her. Both arms and legs are broken and," Steve takes a deep breath, looks constipated for a second, "she can't see."

The sight of Chrissie's white eyes flash unavoidably in Eddie's head. The sound of the cracking of her bones.

What does all that even mean? What the fuck is Vecna? Sacrifice? Does he mean Henry-

"Shhhhh just shut up a minute-"

"Oh," Steve sits back surprised, "sorry." He looks like a kicked puppy, "sorry I didn't tell you sooner, it's just...been a lot lately," jesus Steve looks like he's going to cry. "Sorry, I know it wasn't really my decision but it felt like you've been through a lot the last few days and I didn't want to make it worse - shit. Sorry. I'll uhm, stop now."

"Sorry. No," Eddie rushes to explain, waving his hands at Steve, "not, not you. Just the...this stupid fucking voice in my head-"

You're stupid.

"-I just, got overwhelmed. I'm sorry. I," Eddie huffs, "are you sure she's alright?"

Steve brightens, "yeah, she's doing great, the doctors are amazed at how fast she's picking up. But then, she's so fucking stubborn."

That's my girl.

"So stubborn," Eddie agrees.

"El says it wasn't even all her, she said Max fought so hard, it was amazing," Steve looks so fond, so goddam proud of her, Eddie cant help but smile.

They end up sitting like that for a second, just smiling at each other softly.

Okay, so what the fuck is happening right now?

Eddie clears his throat, looks away, and Steve stands up again, "you sure you're ready for this?”

“Yeah, yeah. I mean, thanks for keeping them off my back until now, I really appreciate it, you know.”

“Yeah, they’re great, but they're...a lot. Don’t ever tell them I said that I like them.”

“Your secrets safe with me.”

In Eddie’s head, Billy makes barfing noises.

I want to go and see her.

The second this lot clear out, I swear we will, I'm allowed out of bed now, so there's no stopping us-

But then Dustin’s there, throwing himself at Eddie, and all the kids are chattering all over each other, and Billy stays quiet for a little while.

“Don’t worry about me, Hellfire will rise again! In fact, next time you guys are in, bring my DnD books and something to write with and I’ll start planning-”

“The nurse said nothing too strenuous,” Steve glowers at him, from his perch on the other side of the room.

“Stevie! Baby! It’s just a little creative thought, a little world building, a little planning, don’t you worry your pretty little head about little old me-”

Is Harrington blushing???

Eddie slides right over that and carries on because that is the dumbest shit he’s ever heard and Steve’s already hiding behind his jock sports fixtures magazine, or whatever the fuck it is he’s reading.

“So where’s the little super hero? Do I get to meet her?”

“El wanted to stay with Max, didn’t want to leave her alone.”

“Oh,” Eddie feels warm inside. That’s real good of her, “that’s real good of her.”

Part Three

[aetlasx]

prologue

pair: eddie munson x witch!reader

summary: Ah, memories. You journal your first day of high school, but things quickly take a turn just a few weeks later.

tw: menstruation, pad/tampons, bullying, name calling (pls lmk if there’s anything I missed)

a/n: just stick with me lol. he’ll be in the first part. Also, this is an AU!! For spooky season!! thank you so much for reading!!

*the chat font is the diary entry and it goes back to normal at the end*

August 22nd, 1983 It's been a few months since i've written in this thing. I thought it'd be a good time to start now since I finally made it to high school!

You know what that means? Four more years till I leave this shithole!! Better than five. June was actually waiting by the door when I got home, she really wanted to hear every detail of how it went. I told her about my classes, I have Jonathan in two and Nancy in several. I told her how the school and people were so different from anything I was used to. But, it doesn't take her long to find something wrong with the way I think. She started with her usual warnings and advice, all the things I need to avoid, all the mistakes I shouldn't make. I know she's just trying to protect me, but it feels like she can never have trust in her little sister.

On the other hand, at least Teddy asked if I had fun. He's always been the one who knows how to lighten the mood, especially knowing how his wife is. He asked about my teachers and any clubs that looked cool enough to join. He even asked about Jonathan and Nancy.

Jonathan was definitely not as excited as me. He's quite, but he's always been that way.I know that his mom was excited for his first day of high school, she even convinced him to bring his camera. Right now, I'm trying to convince him to join the newspaper but he just shrugs me off. And Nancy, well, although it's been one–girl is practically glow. Within just 8 hours of the school day, she was able to meet a boy. She kept gushing about him and is pretty excited for the rest of the school year here. I'm genuinely happy for her.

Before June could add her two cents, I interrupted her with how I stopped by Aunt Claudia's after school to see how Dustin's day went. He was already sprawled out on the couch, 'exhausted' from fighting with his new math teacher. It had been a bit since I had seen them, I slaved away my summer at my job so stopping by, I felt grateful that they weren't even mad. I'll have to start hanging out with him again.

Anyways, I’m determined to make the most of freshman year with my friends. I’m ready to prove that I’m more than just a product of this stupid town.

Wish me luck!!

September 16th, 1983

I think I lied. I don’t know where to start…but a four year wait is too long. I don’t know where it all went wrong but it started over the weekend.

Sometimes I’d like to think that if my mom was still around, this wouldn’t have happened. Hell, June is like my mom, why did it happen. I’m talking about mother nature’s gift. It seemed as though no on thought to inform me that a girls first period would be this chaotic.

Nance and I had a movie night planned. I hadn’t really talked to her much, only in class, because her new boy toy or whatever—Steve Harrington, was taking up most of her time. I thought this would be a good time to just catch up and gossip, I was wrong. That Friday was horrible. I ended up throwing up, getting the chills, my body ached to no end. But I was still determined to make movie night happen, especially since June and Teddy were gone for the weekend.

As I was dying on the couch, Nancy finally showed up. But to my disappointment, it was only to cancel. Her and Steve were going out on their first date. I don’t know if it was how hot I was feeling or my intestines twisting, but black spots started clouding my vision. I just remember her screaming for Steve and once I knew it, I woke up in the hospital.

What I’m about to write, I’ll say with confidentiality…probably because I’m the only one reading this. Whatever.

A period is probably normal for all females. What’s not normal is having to go to the hospital and having your best friend’s boyfriend make fun of you because the doctor called you a late bloomer. I mean, she apologized but, if I could’ve just died on that bed, I wouldn’t be here.

Even June lectured me when I interrupted her weekend getaway. The whole ride home she kept complaining and saying ‘how could I not know’ and ‘you just gave us another unnecessary bill’. Like, sorry my baby’s natural response has ruined something for you.

Fuck. That’s not even the worst part. When Monday came back around, everyone was looking at me when I walked in. I know how cliche it sounds after what had just happened but knowing how popular Harrington was and who his friends were, he had already told the whole school by now. During gym, Carol and a few other girls threw pads and tampons at me. I got called ‘Bloody Mary’ and ‘Leak Freak’ in the hallways, at lunch, and anytime anyone had the chance. I tried to stay strong, I even hoped Nancy would say something to me during class or at least when she saw me but she just looked at me with sympathetic eyes. It’s just hard to believe that a few weeks ago, everything was fine. We were making fun of our teacher, gossiping with Barb, and even went shopping but I guess things change. Now when I look at her I’m just consumed with rage.

Jonathan has been supportive, though. The evening I got out of the hospital, he had actually brought over some of my favorite snacks and listened to me cry all night. Even when the mocking was bad, he’s stuck by my side. He’s told some kids to fuck off, walks me to class, and I’m grateful, don’t get me wrong but knowing that I have to wake up and go through it again doesn’t really ease my pain.

I feel like my chances of making friends and actually joining some clubs are ruined. When I try talking to some new, they give me dirty looks. When I go to ask about different clubs, they turn me away. I’ve lost hope. Thought this was suppose to be a fresh start but I guess not.

And just to add more salt to the wound, I haven’t been able to sleep. Every time I close my eyes and drift to away, I’m met with such an unsettling environment. The atmosphere is thick, groggy, red. It’s coated in fog, but a man I’ve never seen before always walks through it. He says his name is Henry, he starts talking about my worries and pain. It’s always the same—he says he’s ‘there to help me’, he’s there to ‘take away the pain because he knows what it’s like’. I truly don’t know what has caused my subconscious to create things like this but I guess I’m just tired of feeling like shit.

I don’t even know why I bother keeping a journal around. Sometimes I feel like I won’t even be here in the future to reminisce on the shitty days like this. Why would I even? I guess it’s just easier to write these things down than having to say them out loud. I thought I’d be able to make my sister, aunt, cousin, and friends proud, but I’m starting to think I’m just not cut out for this.

Closing the diary, the blonde places it back in the shoebox you hid it in. Pushing it back under your bed, standing from the place he sat. A satisfied smirk on his face.

He’d been following your turmoil closely, knowing that this was just the turning point. Your struggles were feeding into his plans. This entry was straw that broke the camels back—your vulnerabilities, your fears, and your desperations. It was almost too easy.

“Your suffering is almost poetic,” Henry said to himself, walking out of your room, your house, determined to take action now. He planned to finally confront you, to force you to acknowledge the full extent of what your destiny could be with his help—with what he had to offer.

[cxsmicbaby]

little bit - 2

CHAPTER TWO OF A SERIES 

chapter 01

pairing : miguel o’hara x fem!reader

warnings : mild description of blood/injury; cursing throughout. enjoy :) dm if you wanna be added to the taglist! 

word count : 3.5k

miguel gets hurt during a mission. he doesn’t want your help, but you give it anyway. things get a little bit heated. 

                                                      𓆩༺🕷༻𓆪

If I had it my way, I would never go home. It all just feels so stale, and boring. After getting a taste of something like the Spider Society, it’s difficult to return to a place where half the city hates you. 

Truly, that’s not even why I don’t like coming back. I mean, that’s apart of it, but there’s a far more real, physical problem that makes me dread walking through the portal today; the man waiting for me on the other side. 

Strange is not a bad guy. Sure, he’s got his quirks, but at his core he is just as determined to help people as I am. It’s just that he’s become a bit insufferable since I joined Miguel and the others; insufferable, like I cannot stand to be around him for longer than 10 minutes before feeling like I’m going to implode. But I can’t spend time on my Earth without reporting back to him, because if I don’t do it myself he’ll just find me, anyhow. 

“Look who decided to show up.” I squeeze my eyes shut and bite my tongue, feeling irritation already brewing in my chest. Taking a deep breath, I turn to face the doctor. He’s wearing a grey robe—a normal one, not a magic one—pajama pants, and slippers. It’s 3pm. 

“Can you get off my case, just this once? I had to deal with something.” I certainly did. Hobie and I spent the entire morning and early afternoon scrubbing away at the damage we did on Monday, despite objections from the other spiders. I was right, everyone thinks the lobby is too sterile. But of course, Miguel knows best. 

“Something? Is that something tall and annoying?” 

“Oh, don’t be so hard on yourself, Strange. You’re not that tall.” 

He stares at me like he’s going to start laughing, and then he just sighs, walking past me. “Come on, let’s get this over with. I have something to do later.” 

“Something? Is that something... a lady?” 

The doctor scoffs, waving his hand to tell me how stupid he thinks I sound. To be fair, that wasn’t as good as his, but I couldn’t think of anything else. But he doesn’t say no, so I assume that this is his way of letting me know he’s going on a date later. Even though Strange and I have our differences, we’ve known each other for long enough that I can be happy for something like that—his last date was more than a year ago, and it ended with a slap and a suit soaked in red wine, so I can only hope this one goes better. 

“You’ve been gone for longer this time,” he says, as we enter his study. For a man that claims to be so uninterested in material goods, he seems to have spared no expense in the decor of his living space. Sure, the sanctum was already pretty lavish, but I know for a fact that some of the shiny objects I’m currently looking at were not in here last time. 

“It’s fine. It’s different for the others ‘cause a lot of them don’t have other heroes, but we’ve got the Avengers! The city doesn’t really need me that much,” I counter, taking a seat in one of the plush burgundy chairs. The cushion sinks a little under my weight, just enough to be comfortable. I need to invest in some better furniture for my apartment, because this is the best chair I’ve ever sat in. 

Strange shakes his head, and takes a seat by his desk across from me. “It’s not about that. People are noticing that you’re gone, you know. And not just civilians.” 

My eyebrows raise. “That’s ominous. Who’re we talking about here?” 

“Tony, for one. God, that guy is irritating. I’m starting to wonder whether I should just tell him, so he stops calling.” 

It takes all my willpower not to remind him just how similar he is to Stark, but to be fair, Tony annoys me more than Strange ever has. It baffles me how some of the other spiders actually work with that guy. Maybe he’s cooler in their universes. 

“Just tell them I’m on vacation or something. That’s normal, right? Even heroes take vacations,” I suddenly feel like I can’t sit anymore, so I stand and start to fiddle with the things on his desk. A heavy blue sphere that looks like crystal catches my eye, and I pick it up without asking, turning it around in my hands. I can see my own reflection. 

“Yeah, but not without saying anything. And put that down. It’s my paperweight.” 

I look up at him to see he’s being entirely serious, and I regretfully do as he says. What an extravagant paper weight. 

“So, what am I supposed to do? Get on Jimmy Fallon and announce my temporary retirement?” 

Strange takes the paperweight from the place I’ve left it and starts turning it around in his hands. Asshole. “Just don’t spend as much time there as you do. You need to balance it, or else this isn’t gonna work.” 

It sounds like he’s trying to tell me what to do. That’s an issue of his; always trying to be in charge of everyone and everything around him. I used to fall in line with that, but I have two control freaks in my life now and the newest one doesn’t really leave room for anyone else. 

“Listen, Doc, everything’s gonna be fine. If Stark gets too nosy, I’ll just come back and make something up. You have more important things to worry about than where I am, and I have more important things to worry about than you,” I fire back, narrowing my eyes slightly as I watch for his reaction. He doesn’t seem fazed by my defiance; he’s more amused. Doesn’t matter—it’s time to get out of here and get what I really came back for anyhow. (Boba. The Spider Society has every drink imaginable in the cafeteria except boba.)

“Alright. You do what you want, but just be careful. You’re messing with things beyond your understanding, you know. Even beyond mine.” 

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.” 

Before he can launch into a rant about how this is very much not a ‘whatever’ situation, my watch vibrates. I think that it’s probably my empanada alarm—I set one so I can bring Miguel food everyday at the same time, because I noticed that if I bring it after or before he gets too busy to eat it. But it’s not. It’s from Jessica, and she only calls when there’s something serious going on. I almost feel guilty for thinking that this is the perfect escape from this tedious conversation. 

“See ya, Strange. Duty calls.” 

And just like that, I’m gone, barreling through a wormhole on my way back to my new home. I think it’s pretty much gotten to that point, anyhow. I’ve probably slept in my apartment on Earth-72 like 3 times since I joined up.

When I step out, I’m greeted by more chaos than usual, which is saying something. The room is filled with panicked shouts and spider-people running in every direction; including up and down. Hobie is nowhere to be found, and neither is Miguel, or Jessica. A chill runs down my spine. Something is wrong. 

I see Ben talking frantically to someone else and I rush over, beginning to panic a bit myself. “Ben, what happened? Is everyone okay?” 

He grimaces. “Miguel, Hobie, and Jessica went to take care of an anomaly. It turned out to be worse than they thought it’d be, and we sent back up, but nobody’s come back yet. They’re all dead, man. They’re all gone...” When he trails off, his eyes unfocus and his eyebrows furrow, obviously getting lost in his melodramatic bullshit once again. 

My heart is steadily climbing up my throat. For the first time, I find myself unable to sit through this with him, because for the first time, it’s actually scaring me. “Shut up and tell me where they went.” 

He doesn’t even time to come up with something dumb to say before the room is suddenly lit up in oranges and pinks, swirling for just a moment before they collapse in on themselves, and out come just the people I was panicked for. First comes Hobie, and despite a slight limp he seems just fine. Then Jessica, with no physical wounds, but a look on her face that tells me the worst is yet to come. 

And then Miguel pours out, almost collapsing onto the floor before he clutches his stomach, forcing himself to stay upright. I can see a dark patch of what I assume to be blood on his right ribcage, and though his mask is on I can tell his face is twisted in pain. My hands almost reach out, as if I could grab him from my distance, but I settle instead for an expression that must look like I just witnessed yet another tragic family death. 

“What the hell happened?” I say, quickly walking over to the three. Spiders that must’ve been sent as backup exit the portal quickly after, all groaning and sporting some sort of injury. Jessica’s eyes go hard and she pins me down. 

“You should’ve been here. We needed you,” she scolds. Every time she talks to me this way I always feel like a little kid, despite our ages not being too far apart. Guilt chews away at me the longer I stand there, trying not to turn my attention to Miguel and the way he’s trying to hide how badly he’s hurt. 

“Give her a rest, she’s been workin’ hard. We got it done, didn’t we?” Hobie chimes in, his voice slightly strained. I wonder just how badly this fight went for everyone to have gotten hurt; the need for any backup at all is startling, seeing as usually it only takes one of us to finish an anomaly off. 

“With a lot more collateral damage than there needed to be. Someone take Miguel to the infirmary, he’s banged up bad.” 

I turn to him, but he’s already started stalking off. 

“I’m fine,” he calls, but I can hear the weakness in his voice; it’s lacking that dominance, that certain tone of his that makes you want to obey every word he says. So I follow behind him. 

“Miguel, let me help. I promise I’ll be gentle.” 

“No.” It comes out as more of a whimper, which I’m sure was not his intent. I swallow at the way my stomach flutters and continue to walk by his side, unsure of where he thinks he’s going. There’s no way he’s going back to work like this. For god’s sake, he still has his mask on, so he must not really be going anywhere. He’s just trying to get away so he can wallow in his suffering and refuse all help. I won’t let him, not today. If I can stand up to Strange, I can stand up to him. 

I move so that I’m blocking his path, and cross my arms in front of my chest, hoping to hide my heavy, nervous breathing. 

“I’m not asking, I’m telling. You need medical attention, but if you won’t let a professional help you, I’m going to.” 

Miguel studies me. I can tell he is, even though he still has his mask on. His eyes narrow and his posture slumps just the slightest bit, like he’s given up. For just a moment, a thick tension hangs in the air, pressing hard on my chest, but then Miguel inhales deeply and breaks the spell. He doesn’t say a word; he only nods, and pushes past me. This is professional. This is me helping a friend. Me helping my boss. So I should treat it as such. Right?

                                                     𓆩༺🕷༻𓆪

Miguel wishes he let himself bleed out. 

That would be preferable to the situation he has put himself in instead, he thinks, as he watches your face. He’s seated on a chair in his room, his suit peeled down to his feet so you can have access to all his cuts and bruises. He has imagined himself like this with you so many times; you nestled between his thighs, your fingers dancing across his abdomen as you carefully sew his gash shut. In his mind, it’s always led to more sinful activities, and those images are playing on a loop behind his eyes as he watches you. He swallows hard. He remembers a few nights ago when he let himself get off to the thought of you, and he almost recoils from your touch. 

“Does it hurt?” you ask, glancing up at him with so soft a gaze he feels like he’s going to melt into a puddle at your feet. 

“No.” Miguel figures that speaking plainly will aid him through this, because if he lets you hear but a tremble in his voice he’s sure you’ll know. 

You’ll know that his heavy, labored breaths are not because of pain or exhaustion, and that his grip on the arm of the chair is not to brace for each movement of the needle. You’ll know that he’s thinking about how pretty you look on your knees. You’ll know that he wants nothing more than to grab you by the shoulders and kiss you, hard, to slip his tongue into your parted mouth and squeeze all the softest parts of you. 

“Ok,” you say, smiling. “Tell me if it does. I can be gentler.” 

He’s not sure you can. 

It’s torturous, how slow you’re going. You don’t want him to feel pain at your hands, the idea of which pokes worryingly at his heart, but Miguel thinks if he sits here with you for any longer he’s going to lose his mind. 

“Did you guys, uh...” you trail off, some semblance of guilt clouding your pretty face. “Did you guys actually need me?” 

Oh. You’re ashamed that you weren’t there. Miguel will not tell you this, but he’s glad you weren’t there. If you got hurt like he did he would have ripped the anomaly apart with his bare hands. And that would be a little hard to play off as just normal boss duties. 

“No,” he starts, and you brighten up for a moment before your expression sinks once more. He didn’t mean it like that. “If you were there you would’ve just gotten hurt like the rest. You would’ve gotten in the way.” 

Why, oh why, did he say that? It’s not even true. From an objective standpoint, you being there would have helped them immensely. Even Miguel acknowledges that you are one of the most talented spider-people he has recruited—though, the only person he acknowledges it to is himself. 

“Oh,” you say, your voice soft and quiet. The sound makes his chest ache. 

Miguel wants to say something more, but he stops himself. 

You sew him up in silence, which he thought would help, but now he can only focus on your breaths that fan over his bare skin, and your tongue that is poking against the corner of your lips as you concentrate. He feels his cock ache just the slightest bit and his eyes go wide, realizing that the worst possible thing that could happen right now is very, very close to happening. This needs to be over, now. 

“That’s enough.” Miguel tries not to sound panicked, but he’s sure some of it slips through the cracks. You pause and look up at him with confusion. 

“I’m almost finished. Just sit tight, it’ll be over soon.” 

You move to continue, and in his fear he pushes your hands away. “Don’t. I told you, I don’t want your fucking help.” 

He can see you’re hurt by that. God, what a fucking mess this is. The last thing he ever wants is to hurt you but it seems in order to keep himself from you, that’s what he has to do. The day you find out about the perverted, disgusting ways he thinks of you is the day he will disappear forever. He would sacrifice anything to keep that from happening. 

“I don’t understand. Why do you hate me so much? God, why do you hate everyone? All we ever do is try to help you.” You back away from him, still on your knees, and your hands fall frustratedly to your sides. Miguel is surprised by this reaction, because he’s so used to you letting everything he says slide right off your back. But he’s gone too far now, he can see that. Your eyes are shiny and your forehead creased in defeat. 

He can’t say anything, because if he does words will come out that he needs to stay hidden. So Miguel just watches you with eyes he’s sure are hard and cold, and he sees your face fall even further, your tongue poking at the inside of your cheek as a bitter laugh escapes you. 

“Fine. Do it yourself.”

You toss the needle onto the table with the rest of the supplies and stand, moving to leave. And this is what Miguel wants, right? He wants you gone. But he betrays himself, because before you can even reach the door, he finds words bubbling in his throat and he’s unable to stop them. 

“Wait. Don’t... you can stay.” It doesn’t even sound like his voice. He sounds weak, weathered by a raging storm that refuses to let up. You pause, but you don’t turn, crossing your arms in front of you as you sway from side to side. And Miguel’s body is aching to reach for you, to tell you the truth. That he is so infuriatingly infatuated with you that the very idea of you leaving makes him twitch. 

“I’m...” it feels like his throat is constricting, trying not to let the words out. “I’m sorry. That was... unnecessary.” 

You still don’t move, and Miguel’s sure you’re going to leave anyway. But then you do turn, and the smile on your face is so wide that he panics for a second that he’s said something more exciting than what he really has. 

“It was mean. But, I accept your apology. Thank you, Miguel.” You’ve said his name hundreds of times before, but this time he feels a surge of something strange in his chest; but not like before, in the shower, or when you were between his thighs, staring up at him. Something stronger than that. Something scarier. 

He swallows hard. “You can, uh. You can finish up now.” 

You’re between his thighs again. One of your hands is flat against his stomach, keeping the skin taut, the other sewing away, your elbow resting on his thigh. His chest is heaving again. But he’ll fight it, if it means you’ll smile. You’re still smiling. 

“Does it hurt?” you ask, glancing up at him again. 

Miguel sighs sharply. “A little bit.” You smile a little harder. 

“Sorry. I’ll be gentler.” 

Again, he’s not sure you could. 

                                                     𓆩༺🕷༻𓆪

CHAPTER THREE

[cosmicdream222]

Some of my manifestations from last week (with photos)

Surprise gifts

My bestie A and I regularly update each other with about our daily plan for affirming etc to keep each other accountable. I said I was manifesting VIP treatment, put on some subs and affirmed while I was making breakfast (yes I’m not a morning person and make breakfast at nearly noon 😭)

Not even a half hour later, I received a surprise delivery from Amazon:

My friend L, who lives out of state, sent me food and new bowls for the stray cats I feed, and treats for my cats (Stella & Panini are my cats’ names 😹)

VIP treatment

That evening I worked a brand ambassador gig that I booked only a couple days before. I’ve been avoiding working as much as possible lately lol but this one was nearby and paid well. It happened to be a giveaway event partnering with a local radio station and ended up being fun. One of the radio DJs was there, and me as the sponsor brand representative was given the same level of VIP treatment as the radio DJ! There was an event coordinator who basically did all the work and I just got to stand around looking pretty and getting paid for it. 😭

Gift card

After work I got home and found another package from my friend L with a gift card for me 💕

More cat food

A few days later, my neighbor left a huge box of cat food at my door. My cats are getting more spoiled than me 😂

An air fryer

This one is cool because I specifically wanted to manifest this. I had heard about air fryers for a while now and it seemed like something I would use, but I didn’t really feel the need to buy one. A couple weeks ago I was at Trader Joe’s with my mom and the cashier was saying how much he loooved his air fryer and telling me all the things I could make with it. I decided that moment I would just manifest one eventually, and forgot about it.

So the other day my mom comes to pick me up for a family lunch and she has a huge box in her hands - an air fryer?? She says jokingly “happy birthday” - my birthday isn’t for another 4 months! She said she just felt like I needed one 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s so cute and I’ve already used it a couple times 💕

Attention from sp

Soo I have this crush-type guy we’ll call D. He’s one of my best friends and we’ve talked nearly every day for 3 years. I can talk to him about anything, including all things supernatural and shifting. We have admitted to having feelings for each other, and even had “online boyfriend” vibes for a while, but we live in different states, and he didn’t want to do long distance. I was sad and anxious about it for a while, but since I found out about loa and shifting, I realized none of it mattered and I could just shift to a reality where we’re together already 😂

Anyway I had become detached and stopped really thinking about him in a romantic way for a while. However, I realized since I basically didn’t care and wasn’t thinking about him, he was becoming distant in response. We hadn’t been really flirty or romantic in a few months, and I hadn’t even talked to him in a week, which was unusual. Although I wasn’t anxious about it or anything, I was still missing talking to one of my best friends. So I just started assuming he would go back to blowing up my phone all day, and I sent him some mental telepathy messages about what I wanted.

Monday morning he messaged me apologizing for being distant. He had been traveling for spring vacation and took a break from his phone. He then basically spent the whole week trying to make up for it, being super attentive, listening to my long ramblings about my void and shifting progress, sending me selfies every day, being more sweet and romantic than he had been in months, and kept telling me how pretty I was 🥰

Losing a follower LOL

This is just a funny one to round out my list. I hadn’t been on tumblr in a bit, and when I went to check my asks, I saw I had 556 followers. I thought “darn I missed the angel number, haha maybe someone will unfollow me so I can get the screenshot.” Not 5 min later when I went to look again, it had happened, and I got the screenshot 😂

(Up to 558 now thank you all 💕)

[decks-writing-blog]

Here to Stay Drabbles: Benrey Benry Benrye

Summary: Benrey makes some important decisions.

[A/N] In a not yet released chapter of my current WIP fic 'Gordon Swap' my headcanon that Benrey stole Barney's uniform at some point in the past gets brought up and if I recall correctly I alluded to that being the case near the end of WeverTF Benrey is too because it's an idea I've had a for a while. Writing the bit where it's brought up in 'Gordon Swap' made me want to write this so I did.

~

Everyone paid attention to the security guards. When sensitive experiments were being worked on they blocked the entrance to the labs in question, necessitating people talk to them to be let through. The perfect set up for some fun shenanigans. It wouldn’t work if not one of them though which meant a uniform was needed.

The locker and thus the name tag on the uniform inside read ‘Barney’. A good name… maybe. What made something a good name? That one brought to mind barns so maybe whoever it was owned a barn. Assuming barns existed outside of fantasy video games anyway. Regardless the name was taken and thus that one wouldn’t do no matter how good or bad it was.

Something that started with a ‘B’ would be fine though. B was a pretty cool letter as far as letters went. … A long while of just sitting in the locker room, staring at the name tag so far hadn’t brought much inspiration. Naming oneself was hard. In video games ‘aaaaaaaa’ or some kind of swear word, making the NPC’s look silly and/or rude, worked great. In real life though, in a new human looking form, it had to be something believable. Changing it later was technically possible but what if this security guard thing really took off? A bunch of different names might get confusing and wouldn’t feel right anyway. Any name chosen here would likely stick for a while.

Sticking with being called ‘X’ was possible but it didn’t feel like a name. That was the experiment’s title and the titles of other experiments almost never lined up with any of the proper names for the beings/objects involved and thus it shouldn’t here either. Besides, some distance from that lab would be nice, easier to prank people further away from it as they’d be far less likely to suspect anything fishy.

“Barney. Barbara. Benjamin.” What other ‘B’ names were there? Preferably ones that would be easy to scribble onto the the name tag with the sharpie. “Bob. Boob.” That one wasn’t a name. But it didn’t have to be a real, name did it? Just close enough to one to sound believable. It was hard to know what counted as a real name anyway.

“Barnley. Barley. Benley.” That one had kind of a nice ring to it but wasn’t quite right. “Beney. Ben… ray, like a ray of sunshine? Benray. Hmm… nah, too pretty.” Not that there was anything wrong with being named after a ray of sunshine, the sun was quite nice actually, but pretty wasn’t cool and it had to be something cool. This still felt like a good line of thinking though. So instead of ‘a’ like a pretty ray of sunlight how about the ‘e’ from the original name stay? Meaning it would be… “Benrey.”

“Benrey. Benrey. Benrey. Benrey. Benrey.” Ha. It’d be funny if that was the full name. Maybe some of them could be spelled a little differently too like ‘Benry’ or ‘Benrye’.

Standing and looking around revealed no one to talk to. Which made sense, humans like to sleep every single night for some reason and thus few were ever around during the night. Pretending to talk to someone would have to do.

“My name’s Benrey, nice to meet’cha. Howdy, hello, I’m Benrey. I need to see your uh… papers or something ‘cause I’m totally a security guard so I gotta see that stuff to let you through. … Hello, I’m uh… security guard, Benrey, gotta show me your papers now, ‘kay?” The delivery on some of that wasn’t great. Did security guards even introduce themselves by name? And probably instead of the nebulous ‘papers’, asking for a specific document that he could change up at will would be better. But the name felt pretty good.

The sharpie cap came off with a small pop. Pressing the uniform against the locker made it easier to scribble on the name tag. Turn the ‘ar’ into a big ‘e’ then add a little ‘r’ in front of and slightly over the ‘e’ after the ‘n’ so it wasn’t clear if it was being covered up or replaced, opening the door for it be read as ‘Benrey’ or ‘Benry’. Perfect.

New human looking form and new human sounding name, yay. There was one thing missing though. None of the humans around the lab or in any video games or TV shows were referred to as ‘it’. Why was a mystery because almost everything else – plants, bugs, animals, and video game monsters alike – went by ‘it’ at least some of the time. But if humans went by ‘he’, ‘she’ or in one instance ‘they’, then to blend in more with them being addressed as such was necessary, right? Not that blending in all the way was the goal. Standing out too much too soon would make the bit harder though.

What was the difference between ‘it’s, ‘he’s, ‘she’s and ‘they’s though? Paying more attention to that kind of stuff would’ve helped out here. Was it even something that could be gleaned from looking at a person though? Maybe it was a choice people made and told everyone else and Benrey had just never overheard such a conversation. Asking was an option as was sneaking onto a computer to look it up but… did it really matter? Of everything else, this felt far less important. So… he would be a ‘he’ because as far as he knew all the security guards he knew were ‘he’s so he would be one too.

His name was ‘Benrey’, he was a ‘he’, and he was a security guard. He wasn’t human but he would fit in with them a bit more now, enough to hopefully have some fun.

[dumplingsjinson]

Back with a REALLLYYYY long ramble about my love life? (Like, when I say really long, I meant it.)

Or... A lack thereof. I don't know, it's confusing; maybe I'm overthinking and maybe he does want to be friends or... he wants more??? Maybe I'm looking into things a bit too deeply BUT THAT'S WHAT I ALWAYS DO AND I’M AFRAID IT'S NEVER GOING TO STOP AHHA.

SO ANYWAYS. Here's the story. 

Prepare for a long ass post lmao, because I'm going the FUCK off again :D So like, if you don’t want to read my bullshit then feel free to skip past onto the next glorious post on your dashboard. 

(The TL;DR is at the very bottom of this post if you can’t be fucked reading the whole thing lmao.)

Okay. 

So. 

I met this dude on CMB (Coffee Meets Bagel). We'll call him... Mixed signals dude. (we’re calling him mixed signals dude because it feels like he wants more with the way he acts, but the words that come out of his makes me feel like… Yeah, no, maybe I’m overthinking this greatly.)

He's pretty nerdy. A homebody. Overreacts to things. Pretty shitty texter but aren't most people? And he doesn't seem to exercise much because we were walking around a lot during our first meet up and he was pretty puffed out after a bit lmao. He's an introvert. He's a bit… Eccentric (and I'm not saying that to belittle him). I'm not pinning any of this against him, though. It just provides a background to what type of person he is. 

Either way, he asks me if I'd like to meet up with him "as friends". I say yeah, sure thing, why not? I mean, I’m here to meet people, after all. 

So we set a date, the day comes, and I meet up with him. He’s waiting for me at the platform my train stops at. We fall into easy conversation the moment I walk up to him and we start talking. I feel at ease with him even though we’ve just met, and my nerves dissipate pretty quickly. 

Funny, because I was literally messaging my friend “Oh God, I’m nervous as fuck” like five minutes before the train arrives at my destination. 

It’s nice, we share laughs, and it isn’t like... Awkward? Maybe a little, but it isn’t as bad as the other times I met up with other dudes. Usually first time hang outs are fairly awkward and sometimes boring, but it didn't feel that way with him. Oh, also, he's also the "ladies first" type of dude, always urging me to walk before him AHAHA. I don't know how to describe it but yeah. 

So anyway, that's all good. We have a good time and get to know each other more. We go home after hanging out for the whole day, he tells me he had a good time, I say I did too.

We talk over text, and about a week or so passes before he asks me out again, so I say sure. It was pretty last minute; we set it up Friday night and then met up Saturday noon. That Saturday, he had planned on studying for his cert for either work or uni, but he comes out to hang with me anyway even though I insist we could do another day if he really couldn’t hang out (he said he didn’t want to study anyway so I was like, okay. We’ll go, then, if you’re sure). 

First half of the "hang out" is pretty normal. We go to an art gallery, then we slowly make our way to the Botanic Gardens, where we kinda stop to rest for a little bit. We’re out here talking and laughing, and when we feel rested up, we make our way to another museum/art gallery. We talk about our dating lives, I tell him about the guys I've talked to, we talk about our personal lives and our families; the lot. We share more laughter, and by this point (and take note because this does become an important point later in the story), I’ve broken the touch barrier with what I’d say is friendly physical contact — light slaps on the shoulder/arm, light pushes, etc. The shit I usually do with my friends in a playful type of manner. 

Keep in mind, at this point, he keeps saying “You can’t find someone on the apps, only friends” etc, etc, so I’m like… Cool. He wants to meet people and become friends, and I’m not opposed to that. I could do with more friends. And I’ve basically adapted the philosophy of “What happens, will happen” and I’m not going to try and force shit. 

So now, here’s the thing: one thing I’ve been noticing during the first meet up and moreso throughout the second meet up, during our walks, he seemed pretty… Protective of me? I don’t know if that’s the right word but like… I’d complain about the sun shining in my face and he’d try to walk beside me to shield me from it. He’d grab me before I crash into things like the clumsy bitch I am. During the first meet up, he was quick to stop me from walking into oncoming traffic because I wasn’t paying attention. Maybe he has quick reflexes, I’m not sure, but I do need someone to kinda check me on my shit sometimes HAHA. 

Anyway, after the museum, we wander around the city for a bit, I buy some Gozleme for us to share (he just started his full time job and his paycheck doesn’t come until like, next week, so he was very thankful about me shouting him food). 

After that, we couldn’t really think of anything else to do so I’m like, “Do you wanna go home and study?” and he’s like, “Nah, I will stay for a bit more. I don’t want you staying alone out here” even though I never suggested I’d be staying out there alone, but I was like, “…Okay”. I found that to be pretty sweet of him, ngl. 

I kinda don’t want to go home either because well… I’m stuck at home a lot these days because I’m still jobless (hopefully that changes soon or so God help me, I’ve been applying and applying and I’m on the brink of losing my shit), when a sudden idea pops into my head. Before I know it, I’m suggesting we go to the movies, and I tell him we could watch Across the Spider-verse (I’ve watched it already but I wanted to watch it again, so might as well) and he’s like sure, because he didn’t wanna go home and study anyway, among other reasons. 

So that works out for the both of us! It’s actually kinda funny that he agreed, because he didn’t watch the first one, but when I ask if he’s sure about this, he says, “Yeah I’m sure.”

(Funny side note: about a day ago, he suggested we watch the first one together on Disney+, via IG call this Saturday but I’m not sure if I’m free then so I’ll probably get back to him about that later.) 

By then, it’s around 5pm? I buy the tickets for us (we get a discount for the cinema’s anniversary or whatever event’s going on, so I only had to pay 9 dollars for a ticket rather than 24 dollars so it’s a huge bargain. Again, he thanks me for that and I’m like — “it’s fine.”). The movie starts at 6:40pm, so we stay at the nearby Starbucks to wait for the movie to start. He shouts me hot chocolate, and he uses that hour to study for his cert because he brought his laptop with him. 

This is where he starts returning the friendly gesture/touches. He hugs me as a way of thanking me for buying the movie tickets and for shouting him food; he pats me on the head and I’m sitting there like wtf; he keeps touching my knee with his hand — like, he would lightly shaking my knee and would let his hand linger there for a few seconds. And like, I’m fine with it, because again — those, in my definition, are friendly gestures, and I was already kind of doing that to him myself earlier on. And I’m feeling comfortable enough with him, so you know. I didn’t mind any of this. And I guess he’s pretty comfy with doing stuff like that, too. 

So ANYWAYYYY, we carry on like this for the next hour. I’m pretty sure I’m distracting him from his studies but he still ends up getting something done, and then we head to the cinema once the time’s up. We sit down, the movie starts, and… It’s fine. 

It’s all good. Nothing’s really happening, at least between us.  

I lean my head on his shoulder like I do with my friends. I’ll be honest, I’ve been wanting to do this the whole day, so I’m like fuck it, why not? 

I literally feel him pause for like a moment — like, he goes still. 

So fucking still.

The first thought that pops into my mind is “this is uncomfy.” Turns out leaning your head on someone’s shoulder when you’re sitting in squishy ass cinema chairs isn’t exactly comfortable, so after like, not even a minute of doing that, I sit up properly and fix my posture. I decide to lean forward; elbows resting on my thighs, upper body leaning forward because that’s usually how I like to sit when leaning back into the seat isn’t doing me any good. 

And uh… THIS is where something a little more significant happens — he kind of just wraps his arm around my waist and literally scoops me back into him (and in my head I’m literally like “so fucking close, holy sHITTTT LNKEFLEKWNFWKLNFKLEWNKLFEWN”), and tells me to rest my head on his shoulder, saying shit like, “Sitting like that isn’t good for your back.” 

LIKE BITCH. HELLO?? THE AUDACITY WLKNFELWKFN. This isn’t my first rodeo, it’s happened before with another guy but THIS GOT ME FEELING MORE NERVOUS RATHER THAN UNCOMFY. Maybe uncomfortable because of the stupid seats but not uncomfortable because of what he’s doing, you feel me? 

So I’m like… Okay? He has his arm still around my waist, quite tight I must say, and I’m just kinda awkwardly resting my head on his shoulder while his arm becomes a backrest for my back (which isn’t really that comfortable, to be honest), and it’s kinda just wedged between my seat and my back. And I can FEEL the sudden nervousness coursing through me, distracting me from the movie, so thank fuck I watched the movie by myself the first time around or I would have missed some parts of the movie (because this isn’t the only thing he does — there’s more). 

Anyway, at one point, I slightly lean away from him because sitting like that isn’t very comfortable. He still has his arm around my waist, although it’s loosened a little by now. 

The movie’s still running, I’m sort of in my own world, because all I’m thinking is SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT, when he kind of starts… rubbing his cheek against my shoulder?? That’s the best way I can describe it lmfao, and my fried writer brain isn’t HELPING.

AND I’M LIKE OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD and that’s when my heart starts beating erratically. LIKE BRUHHH. And then he asks, “Is this too much?” (or he asks “Is this okay?” but I can’t exactly remember which one it is so you’re just gonna have to believe it’s either of them) and ahahahahaAHAHAH…

My dumb fucking ass responds to that with an, “Uh, your arm around my back is a little uncomfortable.” BECAUSE IT’S TRUE, OKAY??? But I’m feeling too awkward to pull away AND I’M ALSO FEELING TOO AWKWARD TO MAKE MYSELF MORE COMFORTABLE BECAUSE THAT WOULD MEAN I’D HAVE TO LIKE… FIDGET AROUND AND SNUGGLE UP AGAINST HIM TO MAKE MYSELF COMFY AND MY CHICKEN ASS COULDN’T DO IT LKNFEWLKFNEK (even though I wANTED TO UGH. THIS IS THE PROBLEM. I WANTED TO DO THAT SHIT. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME—)

So yeah anyway, aha… He kinda pulls away from me fully, and stays in his seat and doesn’t really lean over again. 

And I’m thinking… Well. Nothing else is going to happen, I guess. 

Cool.

I guess. 

…WELLL, BOI WAS I FUCKING WRONGGGG HAAHAHAH. 

Throughout the rest of the movie, he’d grab onto my arm during the more tense scenes; he’d link arms with me and pull me closer to him; he’d lean against me, head on my shoulder, and I’d just kinda… lean my head on his head at times LMFAOOO (returning the favour HA), and my heart was being a fucking asshole half of the time and beating a hole through my chest and I was like oh gODDDD PLEASE DON’T LET HIM HEAR THIS SHIT PLEASE DON’T LET HIM HEAR THIS SHITTT— 

Anyway. 

He’d pull away when I’m not reacting to his touch, but then he’d come back in for more. Sometimes I’d react by reciprocating, sometimes I won’t. 

There is one point when I felt his fingers brushing against my knuckles while our arms are linked, and I’m ngl, when he was doing all of that stuff prior to this moment, I was thinking OH GODDDDD is he gonna hold my hand is he gonna hold my hand is he gonna hold my hand— AND LO AND BEHOLD, MY THOUGHTS KINDA CAME TRUE. 

AND THE CRAZY THING IS: I WANT TO LET HIM HOLD MY HAND, but my hands are sweaty and disgusting because I’m feeling so fucking nervous for whatever reason, and so I just pull the fuck away before he could hold my hand LMFAOOO 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲 

AGAIN. Not my first rodeo. I’ve had another guy do this (the same dude I was talking about before) but in a much cringier way, and I was definitely not as comfortable with that dude than I was with THIS guy. 

So uh. Yeah. That happens. He kinda leans away after that, and I’m thinking… Hm. He isn’t gonna initiate any more physical contact, is he? But nah. I was proven wrong on that department, once again. He’d grab my arm lightly at times, but I kinda just didn’t react by that point because I’m like…. UH. whAT IF HE TRIES THAT AGAIN AHHH.

Like, don’t get me wrong. I want to hold his hand but ALSOOO PALMS SWEATY KNEES SPAGHETTI FRRRRR. 

But anyway, the movie comes to an end, we get the fuck outta there and I feel relief washing over me because JESUS, that was intense. 

It’s like nearly 9pm at that point, we’ve spent a whole day together and I’m out here feeling a little flustered after all of that. 

He starts apologising profusely, saying he’s sorry, etc, and I keep telling him it’s fine, he’s okay, he’s not a creep (he kept calling himself one). He’s like, “You told me about that guy who was being too much with you and I didn’t want you to think I’m like him” (it’s the other dude I talked about before — the one I felt uncomfy with). And I’m like, “You’re not like him, please don’t worry.” (Because for fucking one, while I was definitely nervous when he pulled me close to him in the first instance, I wasn’t like… uncomfy with it because of him. Like, I would honest to God have stayed like that and let him hold me if the cinema seats weren’t so uncomfortable for leaning against someone LMAO, but oFC HE’S NEVER GONNA KNOW THAT.) 

So we walk out of the cinemas and onto the streets, and there’s this like… Performance going on, with a small crowd surrounding the performer. So, me being a curious little motherfucker, kinda beckons him over, saying, “Let’s go take a look,” and he agrees (side note: I’ve been noticing this guy is very agreeable. Like, I’d say “Let’s go into this store to check this thing out”, he’d be like “Sure” and tag along. When I go into these clothing stores, he would follow me into those stores instead of waiting outside, and when I see he’s tired I’m like, “You can sit down, you know?” but he would be like, “It’s fine,” and continues following me around. It’s kinda sweet ngl, but I do feel a little bad when he’s all huffed out and shit lmfaooo). 

We linger there for a bit, trying to see what’s going on. Mind you, it’s cold; there’s a continuous breeze blowing against our backs, and he kinda just… Stands behind me (while complaining about how it’s freezing) and I didn’t think much of it then but now I’m like… Is that his way of keeping me from the cold OR AM I JUST IMAGINING THINGS?? AM I GOING FULL ON DELULU???

AND ANYWAY, we’re still there, watching, when he gets closer to me and leans his head on my shoulder and rubs his cheek against my shoulder. So I’M LIKE AKJBFEWJLBFJKFEJK, and I rest my head on his (i COULDN’T RESIST, OKAY???) and we kinda stay like that for a moment, and it feels so nice. Annnnnnd then I’m pulling away and suggesting we go home. It’s been a long day, and the night’s only getting colder. 

So we make our way to the train station, he apologises more, I say it’s fine. We gotta get on different platforms to go home, and FOR A VEERRRRYY BRIEF MOMENT, I consider hugging him before we part ways BUT I DIDN’T. I FUCKING DIDN’T AND I WISH I DID, BECAUSE I REALLY WANTED TO. 

I wanted to hug him is the problem here, and I’m not usually someone who wants to hug people, unless they’re family or close friends so like… BRUH. 

I get on the train, and then I receive a message from him — and he’s apologising AGAIN for being a creep and I’m like bruh it’S FINEEEEE. YOU’RE FINEEE. OMGG. (Not like that, though. I was more using the standard “It’s fine, please don’t apologise”.) We text for a bit and then, mustering up all my shitty courage, I ask him, “Did you want to hold my hand at one point?”

His answer: “PRETEND YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT.” lkneafklefnklnwfe LMFAOOO, such a shy boi HAHA. 

We’re kinda touching on the topic of boundaries, he’s telling me how he’s a physically affectionate person, so at one point I’m like, “Well, we can hold hands as friends, ya know?” Because these actions don’t have to be romantic. They can be platonic. Annnnnnd he agrees, and basically tells me, “Next time, hug me first. And you can hold my hand too, if you wanted to.” (I feel like a giddy high schooler typing all of this out LMFAO.) 

SO YEAH. TO SUM IT UP, I’m in a dilemma because I can’t tell if he actually wants to be just friends (he kept stating that at the start, but his actions and body language are like… contradicting what he’s saying), or if he wants something more. Maybe I’m overthinking this. Maybe he’s just a really, really affectionate and protective type of friend, and is like this with fuckin’ everyone. 

I DON’T KNOW. 

BUT ANYWAY. THAT’S ABOUT IT. He’s still dry over text, but he’s good to hang out with, and it seems like he wants to continue to hang out with me. Oh, and also, he also keeps sending me selfies of him lmfao. 

And now idk how to feel because I kinda ended up reconnecting with long distant dude (it’s a long story lmfaooo, a lot of my prompt lists are made because of him) and like… I might have lingering feelings for him? BUT NOW I FEEL LIKE I MIGHT BE DEVELOPING FEELINGS FOR THIS MIXED SIGNALS DUDE. OR MAYBE I’M TRIPPING??? LIKE I went into this thinking, “Oh, he’s probably gonna be someone I’m gonna meet up with once and that’d be it” BUT HERE WE ARE, WITH HIM SAYING HE WANTS TO BE FRIENDS AND THEN PULLING SHIT LIKE THAT AND THEN MAKING MY HEART AND HEAD GO WNFLKEWNFKLENWFLKN—

THE FUCKING AUDACITY!!  

And it’s only been such a short while tooooo OMGGG, and I understand it’s only the second time we’ve met up BUT JESUS. 

I don’t know what to think or feel or do and I’m juST WLKNFEKN BECAUSE NOW HE’S THE ONE WHO’S GOT ME WAITING FOR HIS GODDAMN TEXTS LIKE A FUCKING DUMBASS UGHHH. And I already wanna see him again sooo… HOW FUCKED AM I AHAHHAHA FJSJSJJSJ (As that one song says: This is the part where I’m gonna get HURT, LMFAOOO.) 

Though, to be FAIRRR, I did tell him briefly about long distant dude and he was like “awww, you guys are like soulmates” SO IM LIKE AHAHHA 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲 (he did switch topics pretty abruptly when I tried to talk more about him lmfao, but he skips over shit pretty frequently so maybe that’s just how he is). Perhaps I am over thinking this AND MAYBE HE DOES WANNA BE FRIENDS ONLY but imma see how things progress 😃👍

Now, I’m going be serious for a second: he just got out of a two year relationship three months ago so MAYBE he’s craving physical connection which is why he was acting like that? So I could be completely wrong and he genuinely does want to be friends only so… Yeah. I’m gonna tread cautiously, despite everything I’ve said before. Like, I’m open to whatever happens, but I’m also not looking to get my feelings hurt again. 

With that being said, we’re seeing the Barbie movie next week. It’s kinda funny because I did mention it when we met up last week, and he was groaning about it. 

Earlier today, I messaged him and was like, “Imma buy tickets, did you want to come along or no?” (because if he didn’t want to come along, then I’ll just buy a ticket for myself and watch it myself, no biggie — but I also did kinda wanna see him again so I asked just in case LMAO) and he’s like, “I’ll go with you” with pretty much no hesitation. 

Then, I’m out here making sure he’s okay with it because I didn’t want him to feel like he’s being forced to come along aND THEN HE FUCKING HITS ME WITH THE “I’ll do it for you”.

LIKE, BRUHHHH??? “I’ll do it for you.” BITCCHHHHHH, LET ME JUST CRY BECAUSE WHY CAN’T I HAVE A MAN WHO ISN’T GIVING ME MIXED SIGNALS LIKE THAT IN MY GODDAMN LIFE. 

THE AUDACITTTTYYYYYY SLDKFNDWLKNFWKELFN AHHH.

And then he’s like, “I owe you a lot” since I’m the one buying the tickets again (like I said earlier, he just got a full time job and his paycheck doesn’t come until like next week so it’s whatever if I’m the one paying for us for now) and I’m like, “You don’t owe me anything, and it’s not like you wanted to watch the movie in the first place” and THEN HE’S ALL LIKE, “Yeah, but I wanted to accompany you” AND IT’S LIKE BRO???? HELLLLLOOOOOO????????

Like, talk about being accidentally smooth LMFAO. 

He also has like, work that day, so him agreeing to accompany me just adds a layer of sweetness to this dhsjsjsj

And he started calling me by my nickname outta no where and I was like tf—

SO YEAH. DO FRIENDS DO THIS JFDFNDKLN. AM I TRIPPING. AM I OVERTHINKING???

And yeah, this is basically where things are at right now and I’ll probably provide another update later if anything significant happens, so you might see me popping up with something else in a reblog of this post lmfao :DDDDD 

So… Yeah. Moral of story is: don’t go on dating apps or you’ll end up playing yourself like a goddamn fiddle. 

(I also just realised I wrote a whole fic, basically, because I failed to be succinct lmao, I’m sorry and I’m gonna be so surprised if anyone reads the whole thing.) 

TL;DR: Dude I met up with two times keeps giving me mixed signals. Says he wants to be friends, but his actions contradict his words. I’M CONFUSION. And might  also be catching feelings but we’ll hold onto that thought for a bit because I think I still like someone else?? And maybe it's been too short of a time to be catching feelings in the first place. So yeah. Fun times. 

[alovelyburn]

Rambles about the Millenium Falcon Arc Part 5

...long time no see. 

I actually did start writing this a month ago, but it took a bit to get my brain back in the right place after so long away. BUT I’M BACK hi.

Rambles about the Millenium Falcon Arc Part 5

Even though I do think Isidro is meant to evoke Guts he’s obviously not a 1-to-1 comparison, like he’s much more of a chaos imp than Guts ever was. Also he’s scrawny – I do wonder if he should focus more on ranged combat given how good he is with missile attacks. This doesn’t matter at all, but I’m warming up, lmao.

One of the things Miura talked about when he discussed the reason for the reaction for whatever such and such a character was this idea of designing characters to bring out different shades of Guts in order to make him a more multidimensional character. I think this is something he really excelled at – it’s interesting to see his more mentorly side coming out, not to mention the difference between the way Guts treats Isidro and, say, the way Gambino treated him does highlight Guts’ generally better... nature. 

And that’s interesting because I’ve talked a lot before about how post-Eclipse (and pre-meeting Griffith) Guts had taken on a lot of Gambino’s traits and attitudes... which is arguably not the best way to navigate the world. But that’s a side of him that comes out mostly when he’s alone and frustrated – when he’s a kid on the road, for example, or after the Eclipse but before meeting Puck. Which is to say, it’s a self-defense mechanism for when he feels lost or angry and lonely without a lot of outlet. When he has people around he chills out considerably, which makes his attempts at being a lone wolf feel a little self-destructive. 

I just love how Guts is completely disinterested unless there’s some kind of fight involved. More than that, though, as a pretty straightforward person I suppose he doesn’t have a lot of interest in interacting with people who are wearing a civil mask and carrying ulterior motives.

As for Serpico, it must be odd watching her change so quickly and so completely. This is the beginning of a longer subplot with him watching being weirded out by it and I guess kind of jealous and kind of saddened that Guts and their companions were able to change Farnese in ways he was unable to and thus make her a much healthier and less troubled person.

Okay so as a sidenote, I do really get tired of this. I understand that Casca and Farnese are the most helpless in the group, but the thing where they are constantly the ones targeted for danger is a little meh. You could argue that in the case of trolls it makes sense – given what we later learn about their actions and breeding habits – but it’s still repetitive because they end up being swept up and pulled into troll haven or whatever together again in the future, so like maybe a different plot point? Like the trolls’ presence could have been announced with a battle scene and then Casca and Farnese could have been separated from the group later without eliciting a kind of “oh this again?” type of response, I’m just saying. 

Anyway, you know the deal, me and fight scenes are like, eh.

The introduction of magic definitely changed the tone of Berserk. Miura did mention that he made it difficult to manage and slow to start up for balance reasons, and I do think the balance has been largely maintained but it obviously did change the scale of the series and the battles – same with the Berserker armor, for example. This isn’t actually a problem for me in theory but I think the one thing I wish he had done is... I guess better foreshadow the existence of all these things, right? 

Like I don’t expect him to have witches in the BSM arc for example – he hadn’t even thought of it yet, he didn’t even know what the main conflict of the story would be until volume 3. But it would have been cool to have more of a buildup leading into Flora and Schierke’s introduction. 

Anyway it doesn’t bother me that much, it’s more like the existence of the Hawk prophecies – a missed opportunity that was probably missed just because he hadn’t thought of it yet.

I wonder if Ivalera is going to like, make more of an impact on me during this readthrough. Because honestly, this is volume 24 right? She’s been with them for almost 20 volumes, and I never remember that she exists.

Ah, Schierke. It’s almost fitting that the kind of lighter/less grim tone came in with her because the anime vibes kind of did, too – green hair and all that. I should clarify that I don’t actually mind the lighter tone or the magic or anything, I just think it’s interesting how quickly Berserk went from like grim gritty low fantasy that borders on horror to like epic fantasy adventures. This arc is kind of a transitional point since the trolls are very old Berserk, but obviously the introduction of Schierke and Ivalera really bridge into new Berserk.

Okay this is a little bit of a tangent, but it’s something I was just thinking about today. 

So Casca is, for me, uhh... so many a series has a character in it that’s like a major part of the story but you just can’t warm to them and kinda wish they weren’t there because they feel kind of like baggage. That’s how I feel about Post-Eclipse Casca. Like during the Golden Age she served a narrative purpose right, she’s a foil for Guts and then his love interest and then one of his greatest losses. Cool. 

Post-Eclipse though I’m just not sure. Don’t get me wrong, I know she’s involved in the story, like half the story is about getting her to Elfhelm. But – and im not sure whether I can articulate this properly but I’m trying – I feel like even though the story revolves around her, she is nonetheless an extra appendage to the plot. She’s a MacGuffin. Her existence causes people to run around trying to do things but she herself is not involved in those things or even really important to them and there’s no purpose she serves in the story that couldn’t be served by something else without much of a change to the core of the plot. 

Guts could get to Conviction any way – he could just go there because of the revelation from Griffith, he could get dragged there by Farnese and then escape, he could just be led there by fate – there’s nothing inherent to the Conviction arc that requires him to be chasing Casca. You could say her biggest contribution to the plot post-Eclipse is as a Griffith-obsession-meter, like if he doesn’t care about her, then he’s in full Griffith-fixation mode, and if he’s focused on protecting her, his Griffith obsession is waning. 

I don’t know. There is a large part of the fanbase (most of it in the English speaker quarter, in fact) that perceives her as the third protagonist and really puts a narrative weight on her but I honestly think it’s mostly headcanon and cope, lmao. She’s a MacGuffin. 

Anyway the reason this section kinda set me off on it is because Casca gets kidnapped or spirited off to Trollhaven twice in this one arc, and she was sexually assaulted twice since Conviction, and she was sexually assaulted and pushed around and used as a MacGuffin for most of Conviction and while this is somewhat true of Farnese as well at this point (the troll thing anyway)... Farnese then becomes a much more formidable person under her own power whereas Casca languishes, gets her memory back, has multiple unconsciousness-inducing flashbacks and then gets kidnapped. 

Hmm, I guess the gist of this rant is just “Casca is a character Miura randomly decided to hook up with Guts for drama and then kept around so that Guts would stay mad, and it shows.” 

And of course it helps that Casca ends up spending more time with Farnese than Guts so that relationship isn’t’ really emphasized very much outside of a “what is she to you? Oooohh I think I know....” comment every like 8 real world years. 

Anyway if she turns out to be crucial in a way that is unique to her later, I’ll be relieved but for now I’m eh.

/rant mode off

So one of the things I really enjoy about Berserk is this feeling that Griffith’s presence, or even the promise of his arrival, inherently changes the world. Before the Eclipse, apostles became more active, and after it they were obviously more present than they had bene before. And after Griffith’s reincarnation, the barrier between the physical and the astral planes start to blur a bit, bringing the monsters out and strengthening the magical gifts of people like Sonia. His presence is such that he changes the world simply by being there... in various ways. Obviously things like bringing the trolls into the world aren’t great, lmao.

And, of course, Guts understands what’s going on even if no one else does yet.

Establishment shot! I’m sort of fascinated by Flora’s mansion if only because it doesn’t actually exist in the physical world.

Now that I’ve gone into that whole rant about Casca, I will take a moment to say it’d be cool if there turned out to be a reason she randomly went digging in the golem – an instinct through her connection to the Moonkid/Griffith, maybe, or just an instinct in general. It’s not something I expect to come up, to be clear – she’s probably just being a curious child since she’s mentally a toddler. But you know, wishful thinking.

This image really sent me off on a death spiral into one of my more obscure theories, which I’m not going to talk about because I hate being wrong about things I’m not ready to be wrong about. But anyway I did look a bit into the meaning of the pentagram which told me... first of all that the use of the pentagram seems to precede any of the meanings we know to ascribe to it, which make sense. But also, that the points of the pentagram represent either the wounds of Christ, the senses, or five elements.

This sent me into a rabbit hole of reading up on elements as understood in different cultures. What I found interesting was like, it seems most places (most) have the same four elements we still talk about today at least to some degree (like it might be wind instead of air, but you know), but there’s sometimes a fifth thing – spirit or heart, for example, in the case of neoplatonic elements, or void/emptiness for Japanese philosophy. 

And then I thought about the way Miura liked to combine the philosophies and religious tenants from different cultures instead of trying to fully replicate a specific perspective in his work. Rather the cosmology of Berserk is a little bit of everything, you know? Which made me think... considering the fifth element in Berserk’s world to be Spirit or Emptiness works very well with the way Berserk is set up but it also tends to imply that there’s a fifth elemental lord, unless the joke is that the element is emptiness so the spot for the lord is empty. I’ll probably yada yada more about this when I get to Schierke’s spell in the village because she does say something interesting that I think bears commentary. 

But the way Miura repeatedly put the pentagram in a prominent position  - even having a whole panel that was nothing but the pentagram, strikes me as interesting and significant.

But one of the things is this: I believe that all religions in Berserk are faces for the same underlying powers – IoE and the Godhand (and perhaps some other servants who fulfill different functions but we don’t know about that). It explains why the old Godhand look like ancient gods, and it explains why Flora triggers Guts’ brand, which is supposed to react to demonic power. Because in the end, she’s still drawing from the same well but in a different way.

Guts being polite as usual, lmao.

It’s interesting that Flora seems to know she’s going to die soon. I know that you could interpret it as her knowing that she is just getting too old and weak, but considering she tells Schierke that they’ll meet again, which refers to the Casca’s Mindscape sequence 30+ volumes later, I assume she has some kind of plug into the future, albeit in a limited way. Skull Knight seems to be similar.

After this Guts says, “It’ll protect against that” with the image of his beast self raping/killing Casca. Which makes me think this scene fuels people’s assertion that he was possessed when he did that, which he wasn’t. But I do think the possessions prior kind of kicked him in that direction and he was unable to extricate himself from it until he was made violently aware of his own dark side and how dangerous it was. 

Okay so now we’re going to talk worldbuilding, its my favorite thing.

Bringing this back.

 Okay so, I’m just going to break this down into a form I can better reference, rofl.

The Astral plane is, as Griffith would say, where they become one – the afterlife, and also the home of supernatural forces and beings. When someone senses/believes in something that is technically part of the astral world hard enough the thing becomes visible in the physical world, which is why elves have become recognized in the physical world. Later we’ll find out that the astral world’s... stuff used to be a much greater part of the physical world but started disappearing from the physical realm as people drifted from the perspectives that allowed them to be perceived, which continues right up until Griffith brings them back together. 

Then the Realm of Idea (the graphic misnames it) is... it kind of reminds me of the concept of the Root in the Fate franchise (and also several actual world religions nevermind that though). The origin of all existence, the blueprint of reality. 

And subrealms: 

Physical Realm – where people usually are. 

Interstice – a shallow level of the Astral Plane that mostly just looks like the physical realm. This is where Guts and Casca are because of the brand. Also where things like ghosts come from when they haven’t realized or accepted their deaths and headed back to the Vortex. 

Nexus – a deeper part of the Astral and the space opened by the Behelit/location of the Sacrifice ceremonies. This is interesting to me because Miura once said that in order to injure an astral body, the person trying to injure them has to be in the astral plane as well. Which brings to mind the arguments over whether the Godhand can actually be hurt – people say they must be mortal to some degree because they protect their bodies – e.g Void deflects Skull Knight’s blow and the only time Femto ever defends himself vs Guts is during the BSM arc when the Slug Count uses the behelit to bring the Godhand out.  But it makes sense that they defend themselves during Eclipses or Sacrifice ceremonies because during those moments, the entire area is sucked into the Nexus, which means they can be injured in ways they cant be if they’re just walking around on the physical world. Thus, for example, the impossibility of injuring Griffith in the physical world. 

The Vortex – A deeper level of the Astral Plane where the megapowers are, e.g. the Godhand, the Element Kings etc. The sea god from the pirate arc, like that. 

The Abyss – where the Idea of Evil hangs out.

This page is often cited as proof that there is a heaven and hell, but Flora really is just engaging in conjecture. That said, it does seem like there are places that are more or less pleasant within the astral plane, at least on lower levels like the Interstice, so I suppose its possible that they exist in the Vortex as well. This is one of the areas where I’m the most conflicted because there’s a pretty strong indication that post-death humans lose their sense of self and join the sea of souls where no one has any individuality or identity, but there’s also this comment about karma and such. Plus we do know that some humans do not just melt into the  vortex because Flora herself instead became a Daimon although we don’t find that out for a long time. 

Right now, I’m sort of operating with the idea that post-death a person retains a sense of self for a certain period of time, during which their experience is dictated by their karma, before they eventually break apart and join the sea. But that’s just a fan wank it’s really an unknown at this time.

This comment is interesting because it brings to mind Schierke’s later comment that the four elemental kings are the same beings that are named in scripture as the four cardinal angels of God. As I said earlier, all religions are one religion.

What did I say the other day? Even witches refer to Griffith as an angel. This kind of burns my bum because people focus on the demon thing very strongly and tend to either ignore the other side of them or suggest that they’re not really angels but are pretending to be – I think Guts even suggests that at one point. But Guts is biased and Flora would know better than he does.

Not for nothing but Guts is being stupid here. Not too surprising, but like what is he going to do, summon them and launch himself at them? They’d crush him like a bug without moving. Come on, man. 

But in all seriousness, Guts’ absolute faith in his ability to find a way to win is one of my favorite things about him, but it’s also what leads to him having a mental breakdown when he cant hit Griffith later. I don’t think he’s ever considered the possibility that there’s something he can’t fight his way through. 

This also confirms, btw, that Guts hasn’t given up on revenge just put it on hold until he can get Casca to Elfhelm. Otherwise why would he still be trying to figure out how to get at the Godhand? It’s also the best indication that he isn’t only angry at Griffith but at the entire group of them. I assume it’s not dissimilar to the way Skull Knight runs straight at Void if he’s there, but he wont turn down an opportunity to throw a blow at any of them.

So, one of the things that fuels speculation that Casca might be destined to use that Behelit is that... when it comes out, and they’re talking about it, she seems to be drawn to it for no real reason, right, like she just comes walking toward them making interested noises and Farnese has to pull her away. 

The obvious counter would be that she comes out because Flora is about to talk about her and Guts’ mission to protect her, but she didn’t really need to be there for that – people talk about Casca and Guts’ relationship or his intentions with regards to her without her being there all the time. 

It’s interesting. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything, but given Miura’s ways it wouldn’t surprise me if it did.

He didn’t listen when Godot told him this before, no way he’s listening now. 

But really she doesn’t seem to be trying to tell him to give it up, which doesn’t surprise me – she’s a friend of Skull Knight’s, so I’m sure she understands how pointless arguing with someone in this situation can be.

“The fate associated with it rests in the hands of its master who sent it.” I assume that’s IoE but it does highlight the fact that Slan seemed to be able to affect its reaction/availability to Guts.

When I try to figure out who the behelit might belong to, though, I admit I have a kind of difficult time imagining who it could be aside from Casca or Guts. If it’s Guts, then I would expect it’s there for him to ultimately resist, thus finally breaking the chains of fate that he’s been fighting but accidentally getting further caught in for years. If it’s Casca, on the other hand, I think that ends badly for her. There’s a small chance that such an option could appear for her to give her the chance to turn it down as well, but I’m not sure I believe that she has it in her. 

I also can’t think of anyone else that the behelit would really fit in a way that advances the story/moves toward the fulfillment of the narrative promise, really. So I still think the best bet is Casca, though that doesn’t guarantee it obviously. If it’s Guts, on the other hand... well, I guess he’s craving his power right now, isn’t he? I mean in current chapters.

I feel you, Guts.

But no, I gather she means that they’re the servants of the Idea of Evil (unnamed but still), and that they’re mysteries because humans can’t go to where they are, even in astral form, thus they remain mysterious.

Okay translation rant. I wanted to make sure that “If he is the Hawk of Darkness, then he is dreadful” was actually accurate, which it is KIND OF? 

What Schierke is saying is 

あの者が黙示録に記された五番目の御使いが受肉した姿。。。闇の鷹なのだとしたら者恐るべきことです。

That person is the [incarnated form] of the fifth angel written down in the [Book of Revelation]. If (he’s) the Hawk of Darkness he is.... [dreadful] 

So a couple of things. I’m showing dictionary definitions because it’s good to show receipts, lmao. 

-The word translated as incarnation is specifically the incarnation of Christ.

-The word used for revelation is specifically the Book of Revelation, though it also means Apocalypse – Utena fans may remember it:

-Finally, the phrase translated here as “dreadful”,

So it does mean dreadful but also fearsome, formidable, like a dangerous or difficult adversary. 

So okay one thing I notice about Miura is that he liked to use ambiguous phrasing – the phrase translated as “you’re the only one who made me forget my dream” for example, also means “you’re the only one who let me forget my dream.” Similarly, the word translated as “evil” in a lot of places in Berserk also means “magic” or a supernatural force of some kind, and sometimes it makes more sense that they’d mean magic but the translation still says evil. 

I’ll be honest, I think he did it on purpose. Because for example a sentence that means both “let me forget” and “made me forget” reflects the conflict within Griffith himself about Guts’ impact on him and how it affected his goals, which were both burdensome and meant to be his most important thing. So in the discussion of which way it was intended to be read, my main thought is “both.” 

How this relates to this sentence is just this: It’s translated as dreadful which isn’t inaccurate but in the context of the discussion Schierke and Flora are having, Schierke isn’t talking about how awful and deplorable the fifth angel is, she’s talking about how Guts has to be crazy to go against him because he’s absurdly powerful. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think her statement is meant to evoke how terrifying he is, either. But even so, and this isn’t the translator’s fault because English doesn’t work the same way Japanese does, but... I can’t help thinking that just saying “dreadful” makes it sound like she’s just saying “he’s awful and deplorable” rather than that he’s a frightening opponent or person. And that doesn’t make sense because Schierke was previously shown to be sort of unsure about whether he would be the savior or (something) else. 

It’s also interesting that he doesn’t name some random prophecy but rather the biblical Book of Revelation. And that he didn’t have Schierke refer to Griffith with a normal “incarnation” or “bodied form” or whatever – because there are words for that – but rather as specifically the incarnation of Christ. It does make it very clear (VERY clear) that Griffith here is envisioned as the Berserk equivalent of a Christ-figure as predicted by the Berserk equivalent of the Bible. The fact that he’s served by, you know, apostles should also be a clue about this, but I know people like to suggest he’s an antichrist instead, but I mean... 

He’s both isn’t he? I mean I know I’ve talked about this enough but it does make sense that in a world where God is the Idea of Evil, the Christ-equivalent would be a more complicated figure as well. 

I just think it’s interesting like... Miura uses a lot of Catholic concepts and imagery in Berserk, but they don’t always mean the same thing as they do in the real-world religion. People often try to read Berserk with I guess real world Christianity in mind, and I get it because of the very obvious parallels, but I do think it’s a bit of a trap.

The thing I wonder a lot – although I guess it’s more like I think about it a lot than that I wonder about it – is the relationship between Skull Knight and Flora. Later I’ll ponder on it in greater depth but it’s interesting to me that even after seeing what happened to Gaiseric she still has this belief that fate can be countered. It’s very different than, say, Skull Knight who kind of lets slip during the death of Elfhelm that fate often cannot be overcome, but that people fight anyway because it’s just the nature of humanity to fight fate (and lose). 

Flora’s view echoes Guts’ though, from the Conviction arc when he said he doesn’t believe in causality because he and Casca were meant to die but didn’t. On the other hand... is that really true? Like, Zodd said death would come for him – a death he cannot escape. But Skull Knight was the one who implied to him (right after he left the Hawks) that he could survive it. And if you think about it, given that the demon child/moonkid became Griffith’s vessel there’s a good argument that Casca was always meant to survive, too. 

So. I know a lot of people take Flora’s word as gospel, but a lot of characters say things that contradict so they can’t all be right. Though I do think there’s a decent argument that she’s the least biased and her view possibly reflects the attitude that Miura himself brought to the table since he did say he wanted there to be hope in the story, as well.

This has nothing to do with anything but the sylph thing kind of freaks me out. I don’t think I could wear clothing that’s coated in little “living” things, eep.

And honestly, wtf is wrong with Puck? HOW DOES HE NOT KNOW THIS, HE’S FROM ELFHELM.

I have such conflicted feelings about how Farnese and Casca just got some silver shirts (and a silver knife). Because the thing is, I understand that Casca uh probably can’t trusted with a weapon right now, and that Farnese isn’t a fighter at all. But I still feel like some kind of, say, elementally empowered weapon would be helpful for Farnese at least, considering how often these two get kidnapped or spirited away or trapped in dangerous situations.

I wonder what the axe did.

This lead in to the thing where his sword is kind of magical from fighting magical things is pretty interesting to me because... for years the theory was that his sword could hurt Griffith because of that. And it seemed like a decent theory but of course is proven completely wrong on every level. Misdirection! That is, unless the “he cut a hair off of Griffith’s head” theory turns out to be true but that seems increasingly unlikely since it hasn’t come up at all.

By having the brand, Guts and Casca are basically just walking around in the afterlife all the time – at least the edges of it, so I guess they ended up in tune with the dead even though they themselves didn’t literally die. It seems the Apostles also kind of walk that line, which makes sense given their connection to “hell” or whatever. It’s kind of wild to think about the house they’re hanging around in not technically existing in a physical sense.

I mean in fairness he only left her behind once, it was just a really long time. 

Anyway, this just reminds me of the time I got that Ask from someone kind of ranting about how Guts has to be with Casca because she’s the only reason he’s still human, which was kind of stupid. Don’t get me wrong, I recognize that protecting her is a strong motivating factor for him, but obviously he was already fighting to remain human for the entire series and I also think... the path he has chosen as a defender and as someone who no longer throws his connections away is as much a part of his continued humanity as Casca herself, specifically – that’s why the Beast always tells him to ditch the whole crew not just Casca. 

Also, as I recall, Flora had some knowledge that she was going to be killed soon which... I imagine made it somewhat relieving for her to not have to explain why Casca couldn’t stay there. Also... 

It lends this bit a poignancy.

Okay so... I often wonder about the specifics of Flora and Skull Knight’s relationship... and to be more specific whether her role in his life was similar to Schierke’s role in Guts’ life. Was she his spiritual anchor before he got eaten by the darkness? If so then you could say she failed, which Schierke is also in danger of doing in current canon since Guts is losing his shit. 

There are so many things that make me sad about Miura’s passing. There’s the obvious human element in itself, but there’s also things like how he talked about doing an arc of the Skull Knight’s history, and how on the DVD for the memorial edition ova, a note came up saying things he says may no longer be applicable. I mean for obvious reasons. But does that mean we’ll never know the deal? I hope not. I want to know what Flora did that got her exiled from Elfhelm and what Skull Knight’s goal really is... I mean this is whiny because everyone has the same concerns and thoughts, but you know, just thinking.

And there it is – bringing to question whether Guts is actually acting in free will or not. Because what I get from this is that Flora asks him why he’s trying to get Guts to do certain things or go certain places, and whether it’s because he feels sympathetic or for some selfish reason, and Skull Knight is basically like, even if I didn’t personally lead him around, he may well be led by causality anyway. 

It reminds me of the guidebook noting that Skull Knight seemed to be trying to lead Guts in a certain direction.

I think Skull Knight is ultimately meant to be a cautionary tale for Guts, like... this is what he becomes if he doesn’t let go of his anger and choose his connections and humanity instead... which is not what Gaiseric did back in the day. This does kind of make me wonder to what degree I just talk myself around thinking Guts primarily relies on Casca for humanity though, because one major difference between them seems to be that Casca didn’t die but Skull Knight’s wife or whoever that was did. 

Although I guess that’s odd too because Dannan seems to be his ex in some way that isn’t wholly literal.

And this is a really interesting bit for me, because it’s Flora continuing/finishing her comment earlier about God giving them fate – the fate called encounters. So when she tells Schierke God gives us fate and we humans choose it, you can suppose that she isn’t so much talking about Schierke being destined to do such and such but rather she’s talking about Schierke having the option to accept the opportunity to know and involve herself in this story or not. 

Also, a final little thought-break – the way the witches here talk about God is interesting to me because it does seem like they buy into the “religion” of the world in a way you wouldn’t necessarily expect, right, like Flora directly references fate being sent by God. They also refer to the God Hand as angels, and later Schierke will explain that the element kings are basically biblical archangels by another name. 

And that goes back to all religions are one religion – the same elements with different names and viewed through different prisms but nonetheless the same beings. I kind of think of the different religions within Berserk’s world as... looking at something from one angle vs another angle. Like if you stand in front of something it looks one way and you can only see the front and part of the sides, whereas if you stand to the side you see its side and only part of its front and back, etc. Point being, it’s still the same thing, it’s just that different perspectives or belief systems “see” and name different parts of it. 

That thought leads me down some interesting rabbit holes with Berserk though. 

Anyway, next up, trolls.

[rainchyna]

𓆩♡𓆪 episode two: The Torch.

first day on the job and y/n is already a needle mover??? icon behavior fr fr. i know it took a little for this ep to come out but i rly hope y’all like it 🫶🏽 it’s also kinda long my bad i got carried away lmao lmk what y’all think tho‼️

“i have an offer to make”

this couldn’t be bad. …well

it’s Vince McMahon. only so much can go wrong.

“surprise me” you challenge.

“so, one of our women, Alundra Blayze to be specific, she hasn’t been .. the most cooperative. we haven’t been seeing eye to eye exactly regarding her contract and we’ve decided to terminate it. that means tonight will be her last Raw” he said.

you could feel that he was pointing to something, but to be completely honest, you had no idea where this was going. again, this is Vince McMahon, anything can happen. you’ve heard of Alundra before and have seen some of her matches. she’s pretty damn good.

Vince leaned back in his chair, “I have no issue with her leaving the company, the only issue is that she’s currently the women’s champion, and she’s considering signing with WCW” he explained.

“okay..?” you mumbled, confused.

“I want you to become the women’s champion” he stated.

your eyes widened, and you aggressively blinked shocked at what he was saying. “you want me as champion?” you ask, he nods. “this quickly?” you ask again and he nods. he looked a bit angry and seemed quite pissed at the fact that Alundra is leaving.

“has anyone won a title on their debut match, like .. ever?” you ask

“why don’t you be the first one?” he suggests.

that sounded insane. it two ways.

you were concerned about how Alundra would react to being stripped off of her title. did she know this was going to happen? was she okay with it? not that it mattered really, it was her last day her anyways, but you couldn’t help but over think.

on the other hand, you felt giddy. excited. you were going to debut, and win the women’s title on the same night? sounds like absolute fun. hopefully the WWF crowd reacts well, you just needed their support and that’s all that matters.

“are you sure this is a good idea? i don’t want the crowd to turn on me on my first day” you hesitantly say. he shakes his head, “don’t worry about it, they’ll love you. i just need to know if you’re on board” he says.

“i’m in” you say, you can almost see the cogwheels turn in Vince’s head as he looks down at his desk.

“i have a lot planned for you, you know?” he says, half zoned out. you smile, “that’s great to know”.

2:37 pm, catering.

“so what did Vince want?” Lita asked. should you tell her? it’s not like she’s not going to know, everyone will at the end of the night.

but what if Vince was using this as an opportunity to know wether or not you’re the type to blab about plans publicly?

“Y/n?” Chyna asked noticing you zoned out, “oh, we just talked about my debut later” you answer, sipping on some orange juice. you weren’t exactly lying, but you also didn’t want to spoil the show.

“that’s cool” Chyna said, “i hope we work with each other a lot” she added. “yeahhh” Lita smiled. “is this what you’re wearing later?” Chyna asked. you look down at yourself, you completely forgot that you’re still wearing your unofficial gear.

“i’m still figuring it out” you fix your hat, “i want something that’ll scream ‘y/n is here!’ y’know” you say. Chyna hums, “i think you should get something custom made” she suggests.

“any ideas?” you ask, Lita sits up. “shorts! but leather, kinda like same design as my pants, but shorts, y'know. and a top like Chyna’s, keep the coat ‘cause it looks cool” Lita says.

“i think the top should be white instead of black, to make it resemble you New Japan gear” Chyna said. “oooh, what if i wrap a white ribbon around the hat and wear white boots with my name on them?” you propose. “see that sounds pretty!” Lita says.

the mental image of that looks really pretty. “how am i supposed to get those done quickly though?” you ask.

“i have someone that’ll do it, don’t worry about it” Chyna winked.

these two are the real ones.

all three of you continued chatting about random segments and matches Chyna and Lita had, until you were interrupted.

“excuse me Y/n?” a staff member approached you, “yeah?” you reply, “there’s someone who would like to see you” he stated.

you look back at the girls concerned and they mirror your look, “okay” you say getting up. you walk behind the staff member down the hallway, until you’re lead to the … rehearsals ring hall?

“there” he pointed towards one of the rings, “thanks..” you say slowly stepping in. you walk towards the ring the man pointed at, and you can see someone sitting there. they look at you, getting up and leaning against the top rope. is that…?

“you’re Y/n, right?” she asked.

Alundra Blayze.

the blonde had a smile on her face, but you can tell she looked tired. “yeah! nice to meet you!” you smile, stepping in between the ropes. she gave you a hug which took you by surprise a bit, but after all, you’re the one taking her spot as champion. you might as well warm up to each other.

“i’m assuming Vince told you..?” you say, you both sit down on the ring mat. she chuckled, “i wish he told me directly” she began. “overheard him discussing it with one of the producers” she explained. your eyebrows furrowed in confusion, if he can tell you directly, he can tell her too.

“well that’s rude” you say taking off your hat putting beside you. “and unprofessional” she adds. “i wanted to discuss with you our match later, ‘cause if i’m gonna go out, i wanna go out with a bang y’know?” she said. you nod, “oh yeah, i get it”.

you both began building your match. Alundra would go out and issue an open match to any who wished to get a shot at her title, then you’d come out. you were responsible for the highflying spots in the match and she would bring in some technical wrestling.

you both found yourself fantasizing about spots you’d like to do, it felt really good knowing that you both were on the same page before even meeting each other.

she seemed like such a sweet person, you couldn’t help but feel a bit sad about her leaving.

“Y/n” she said, she look very determined yet a bit upset. there was change in the air. everything felt very serious all of a sudden. “yeah?”

“i know we barely know each other, but i want you to promise me” she began, placing her hand on your shoulder. oh, this is that kind of serious.

she got up and jumped off of the ring, you couldn’t see what she was doing but she seemed to be grabbing something. as soon as she sat back down next to you, you knew where this was going.

she placed the women’s championship between you.

“do not let this belt lose it’s value” she said, looking deep into your eyes. “i’ve seen a lot of your work in Japan, and i know what you’re capable of. Vince never took women in wrestling seriously, and I want you to change that. I want you to be that change” she explained.

“there’s no place for women in this company” she sighed “but there soon will be, i trust you with the championship. I hope you can put some respect on our name in this industry”.

it felt like a lot of weight was placed on your shoulders, but she was right. you’re here to wrestle and to make a name for yourself. everyone deserves respect in this business, everyone. women deserved a chance, and it’s time to make some changes around here.

“I promise”.

9:00 pm, RAW.

“it’ll only be six minutes, and that’s the end of it!”

you and Alundra just left gorilla after arguing with Vince about your match. he wanted it to only be six minutes but the match you planned was twenty minutes long, now way will you have even began the match at the six minute mark.

you both were very fucking angry. this was Alundra’s last match was your debut match, the least he can do is be a little generous. but okay.

okay.

you knew what you were going to do, this match is twenty minutes and it will be twenty minutes, because you fucking said so.

“what are we gonna do now?” Alundra asked. it wasn’t looking good for you two, but what looked good was tonight’s card.

UNDERTAKER VS. GIANT GONZALES

THE HART FOUNDATION VS. THE ALLIED POWERS

*ALUNDRA BLAYZE VS. Y/N Y/L/N (women’s title)*

OWEN HART VS. THE RING MASTER.

1-2-3 KID VS. RAZOR RAMON

FAROOQ VS. GOLDUST

BIG VAN VADER VS. BAMBAM BIGELOW

D'LO BROWN VS. AHMED JOHNSON

SYCHO SID VS. SHAWN MICHAELS

your match was right after the Hart Foundation's and you knew you could get Bret to do something. now, you weren't going to ask him to talk to Vince about it, because if you're the one wrestling and he's doesn't want to listen to you, he obviously will not listen anyone else.

"stay here, I'll be back" you say. you quickly jog your way to the men's locker room as show had began and the first match was about to start. you knock on the door and Bret and Jimmy come out to. "I need y'alls help" you breathe out.

you explain the predicament that Vince put you in and they are both visibly agitated by Vince's decisions. "now, I may be asking for too much but is there anyway you guys can shorten your match?" you ask.

both men are quite for some time, and it feels like all it's over.

Bret hums, "how much time do you need?" Jimmy asks. you're a little surprised, "wait really?" you ask, "and don't worry about Davey and Lex, I'll tell them" Bret said, hand on your shoulder. "like ten, twelve minutes" you say.

"you got it" Jimmy said.

"I owe you one, big time" you sigh, "don't stress it" Bret pats your head.

both men make it back into the locker room and you can hear Bret call out to Lex and Davey. thank god for them.

you jog back to Alundra, who was anxiously standing where you left her playing with her hands. "I bought us time! we'll do it all" you smile and Alundra physically relaxes. "thank fuck, oh my god". you quickly run her down through what's going to happen, before hearing your name being called from down the hallway.

you look behind you and it was Chyna and Lita, "just another moment please'" you say. you head in their direction and they spot you. "what's up?" you ask, "your gear is ready!" Chyna says handing you some folded clothes, "c'mon, I need to see you in it" Lita enthusiastically said.

everything was going great.

9:20 RAW.

you and Alundra closely watch the boys' match, you look down at your watch. it's going to end any moment now, right now, come on...

Bret slipped through the ropes and landed outside the ring, the referee ran out to check on him, and almost immediately held up the 'X' sign. you both jump to your feet, "we should stand by gorilla, right?" Alundra asked, you didn't hear what she said. you were concerned that Bret was actually hurt, but a part of you wanted to believe that that was his way to end the match early.

"y/n?"

"h-huh? oh yeah, let's go"

as soon as you approached gorilla all you could hear is chaos. from doctor's rushing to check up on Bret, to Vince freaking out over the time that was going to be wasted.

you pass by Davey, Lex, and Jimmy who winks at you.

he must be okay.

"BRING ME Y/L/N AND BLAYZE!" Vince bellows, "WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY? WE CAN'T STOP HERE!" he screams. you smirk at each other, before entering gorilla with innocence as a halo above your heads.

"what happened?" you ask, lips in a barely visible pout and brows furrowed. "is he okay?" Alundra asks referring to Bret. "LISTEN, listen. I need you two to go out there right now" Vince explained, "the show can't stop." he adds.

it was so funny seeing him panic over an episode of RAW, what would he have done if this was a pay-per-view?

"can we use up the extra time?" you ask, Vince answers without thinking, "do whatever the fuck you want, just put on a goddamn show!" he says settling back into his seat.

"are you sure?" Alundra asks, "will you draw me money?" Vince asks. you quickly nod, "you got it" you say.

less than a minute later, Blayze was out in the ring. you fluffed you hair and adjusted your boots. 'Y/N' was written on them, on the waistband of your new shorts and the ribbon on your hat.

you breathed in, then out. you felt more excited than anything.

"to any woman back there, if you want to try to beat me for this championship, this is your chance. come at me, no disqualifications, so you can do whatever you want. this is an open challenge and any of you are welcome" she boasted.

the tips of your fingers began feeling tingly, and you couldn't contain your smile. you began fiddling with the microphone you were handed.

then your New Japan theme hit.

as you walked out onto the ramp, your pyro went off, and that was the loudest crowd pop you've ever heard. it was so loud, and they cheered for so long. the fireworks made for such an amazing visual, and your titantron displayed your standing at the top of the ramp with a huge smile.

it felt so good being in front of a crowd again.

you walk down towards the ring, and bring the microphone to your mouth. "you said anyone?" you smirk, and crowd cheers again.

"anyone." Alundra nods.

you both throw your microphones to the ground and you slide into the ring. you take off your coat and hat, and the referee rings the bell.

and to say that the fans were invested in every last thing you two did, would be an understatement.

from every kick, to every punch. every flying elbow to every submission hold. this was the first women's match to truly feel like one in a hot ass minute, and they way you were fighting each other made it feel like the title meant something to you both.

it was so fun. it was your first night here and the fans felt fully invested in your match.

and everything got more interesting when the fight moved outside of the ring. you picked Blayze up and put her right through that damned spanish announcement table, to a thunderous pop. Jim Ross and King Lawler's commentary made it all the better.

you threw her back into the ring and locked in and 'Bank Statement', and another pop deafened you. you were facing the main camera, and Alundra began reaching out to the lower ropes only for you to shift your weight on her and move your legs to stomp on her hand. the crowd cheered again.

she held on for as long as she could before tapping out.

and just when you thought the crowd couldn't get any louder, they did. you pull away from Blayze and the referee calls for the bell to be rung, the arena felt like it was on fire.

you stood up both hands in the air, and the referee announced you as the winner. Alundra stood up and asked for the referee to give her the belt.

you both stood in the middle of the ring as she handed you the belt, successfully passing the torch. you both hugged and by now the crowd was chanting your name.

you pull away from her, "thank you" you smile as you raise her arm up.

9:42 pm, backstage.

you knew you had gone over the time you had, even over the extra time you were given and you were ready to take the tongue lashing you were about to get for it.

you walk through the curtains into gorilla, and what you saw scared you a little more than it should've. Vince was sat in his seat in front of a monitor, with a smile that could've stretched from ear to ear. you and Alundra look at each other nervously.

"uhm.." you begin as you walk up to Vince, "was that alright?" you ask. "alright?" he asked, "that was fucking phenomenal!" he said, and the relief that washed over you was unmatched.

"that was hands-down the best women's match I've ever seen! it was so good, and all the spots - especially that table one - were fantastic and fans clearly loved it." he praised, he walked over to you and gave you a hug, then shook Alundra's hand. "I should've listened to you" he said, head a little low.

you smile, good. great.

you walk to your locker room, championship slung over you shoulder. you could pat yourself on the back right now. you saw something hang off of your door, it looked like... a paper? as you got closer, you realize it was note. you grab the little yellow paper and read what's written, it was a little hard to read since the handwriting was a little messy.

'I'd like to have a word with you' - Undertaker.

huh?

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #59

Journal Entry #58 // STORY INDEX

Victor

We’ve been having an amazing summer.

Yeah, I know we’ve been neglecting our journal again, but in a way I feel like maybe we’re outgrowing it. We’ve been chronicling our life this way for over a year, and so much has changed for us in that time. So much has changed about us as well. We’re not the same people we were a year ago, and that’s a good thing.

I started this journal for fun because I wanted to do some travelling that wasn’t connected to a snowboarding competition, and I thought it'd be cool to document my adventures. I did get to go to Sulani, but in hindsight, now I see how unrealistic it was to think I’d be jetting frivolously all around the globe.

But, starting the journal wasn’t a wasted effort by any means. Looking back on it, it’s a reminder of how far Yuri and I have come, what we’ve learned and how we’ve grown as individuals and as a couple. I love us, and I'm proud of the progress we’ve made together.

It’s been interesting to share a part of our story with everyone, but I feel like we’re moving into a different stage of our life now. I don't know if we'll keep recording our journey like this in the future. We'll see.

Anyway, we're still doing it for now, so let me pick up where I left off back in June.

After Mom and Julian's wedding, Yuri and I had a few days together before he and his family returned to Japan. I had a great time showing them around, and I think Mr. and Mrs. Okamoto fell in love with Willow Creek a little bit, because they said they wanted to come back for a longer visit in the near future. Yuki's favourite thing was actually the amusement park in nearby Newcrest, and her parents really seemed to enjoy the scenic walking trails and the farmers market.

Before they left, Mr. Okamoto asked me if I'd like to stay with them when I returned to Mt. Komorebi instead of moving back into Uncle Kaz's house for what might end up being only a couple of months. My knee-jerk reaction was to say no, but I'm glad I managed to keep that to myself. The offer did make a lot of sense, after all. If Yuri and I both stayed with his parents, we wouldn't have to pay rent on top of our mortgage payment for the haunted house, and we could pack up the rest of our stuff so we'd be ready to leave whenever we reasonably could. I just didn't know how I'd feel, being in such close proximity to my in-laws for an extended period of time.

I told Mr. Okamoto I'd think about it and get back to him, and he seemed satisfied with that.

Grandpa Michael also hung around in Willow Creek for a while after the wedding. I said he could stay with me, but he declined, claiming the house would be too crowded with all Yuri's family members staying there too. I found that a little odd at first, until I discovered that he somehow managed to hook up with someone at the wedding and got invited to stay in her guest room for a few nights.

"She's a younger woman, and she’s hot," he told me confidentially. "Her name's Juliet. How about that?"

"Uh... how much younger are we talking?" I asked.

"She's sixty-six."

"Don't you think you're moving kinda fast? Like, sleeping over at her place after you literally just met her?"

"Listen," Grandpa Michael said. "At my age, you gotta move fast so you don't miss the good opportunities."

He's seventy-three. If he was in a contest for old people who move fast, he'd probably win a medal.

Still, he deserves to find happiness and have fun. It’s been seven years since my grandma passed away, and I’m pretty sure he’ll never stop loving her, but seven years is a long time to be alone if you’re used to being with somebody. If he feels like he's ready to get back into the dating scene, who am I to tell him not to?

When I met the aforementioned Juliet a couple days later, I totally understood the attraction. Although ‘hot’ wasn’t exactly the first word that sprang to mind, I could definitely see why Grandpa Michael would think so. She was elegant and confidently attractive in the way women are when they embrace aging with grace instead of engaging in a useless battle with it. I could easily imagine her being a knockout in her younger days. When she was my age, I bet she turned every head in every room she stepped into.

Beyond my initial impression of Juliet Picard, I was startled to realize I recognized her. She was the woman who'd been in charge of all the flowers for the wedding. Turns out she owns a florist shop called Hearts and Flowers, which happens to be down the street from Mom and Julian's clinic. Coincidentally, the flower shop also occupies the same building as the flat where Davian St-Jean, a friend of mine from high school, lives.

I used to say Willow Creek was the most boring place on Earth, that nothing ever happens there, but that's when I was viewing it through the eyes of a guy who thought events didn't have much meaning unless they were big and exciting and important to everyone. I was wrong about that. Sometimes the most seemingly insignificant thing carries the most weight.

A lot happens in Willow Creek. It's a town of connections, of opportunities small and large, the sort of place where a chance interaction could change the course of somebody's life in ways they might never have been able to imagine.

I mean, I was in Willow Creek when I met Yuri. Sitting alone in my sparsely -furnished unit at the Sage Estates apartment complex, scrolling through a forum for snowboarding enthusiasts, I had no idea I was going to see a photo of this impossibly cute Japanese boy doing a silly pose with his board. My impulsivity made me message him, and his curiosity made him message back. Prior to that day, if anyone had suggested I would meet my soulmate through a random encounter on the internet, I think I would've laughed out loud.

But now? Don't tell me stuff doesn't happen in Willow Creek. Dreams are born there, and nobody will ever convince me to change my mind about that again.

The day after Yuri and his family headed home, Grandpa Michael and I departed for Brindleton Bay. He returned his rented car, and then Juliet met us for breakfast and dropped us off at the bus station afterwards.

"I'll be back," he told her as we were about to board the bus, and I swear it was totally dramatic, like something out of a movie. He was dead serious, though, so I had to do my best not to laugh.

"I'll be looking forward to it," she said.

I reached into my bag and pulled out the keys to the house. "Here," I said, handing them to my grandpa. "Consider my place your place until Yuri and I come back. Feel free to use it any time."

He grinned at me, and for a split second I could've sworn I saw the face of a man half his age. "Thanks. I'm sure I'll enjoy that heated swimming pool, and your fabulous kitchen. I'll make myself at home."

"Go for it," I said. "Just don't use the red mug, and don't sleep in the basement bedroom."

Juliet raised an eyebrow. "What an odd thing to say."

"It's only odd if you don't know about the ghost," I told her.

"The ghost?"

"Victor's house is haunted," Grandpa Michael said cheerfully. "Cool, don't you think?"

"Really?" Juilet looked intrigued. "Well, I can't wait to see that."

"Victor, I presume I'm allowed to have houseguests?"

"Go for it," I said. "Far be it from me to cramp your style."

He winked at Juliet. "Heated swimming pool."

"Oh, lord..." she responded, but she was laughing. "I think I'll have to keep him, Victor. I wouldn't want to unleash him on anyone else."

"Consider me kept." Grandpa Michael put the keys into his own bag, and then gave me a thumbs up. "Just let me know when you're coming back. I'll make sure I'm there, so you can get in."

"Don't worry," I said. "Mom has the other set of keys. We'll be able to get in. I'll let her know you'll be coming and going, though. We don't want her to think somebody's trying to break into the place."

"Imagine explaining that to the police," he said, and the look on his face implied he'd very much enjoy stirring up a little trouble like that.

Mom says I'm just like Grandpa Michael. She's probably not wrong. Aside from sharing an almost obsessive passion for snow sports and being international competitors — he was a world champion slalom skiier back in the day — we have the same love for food, the same enjoyment of being with other people, the same sense of humour and, I think it's safe to say, the same impulse control issues.

I love him. I mean, I love my other grandparents too, but I think I have a deeper bond with Grandpa Michael than with the others. We get each other on a fundamental level.

We had a blast during the week I spent in Brindleton Bay with him. We passed a lot of our time at the local fitness center, and every morning we had tea and breakfast with his friends at a café in town. His friends are awesome, for the record. After the first day, I kind of forgot I was hanging out with guys in their seventies. One afternoon, we all played golf together, and on another day we went deep-sea fishing with one of the friends who owns a boat.

When we weren't socializing, we managed to get loads of yard work done, and we did plenty of cooking. Oh man... the cooking. It was so nice not to have to worry about ingredients and portion sizes and making sure everything had the right balance of protein and carbs. We cooked whatever we felt like having, and trust me, we had a lot of it. I'm pretty sure I've never eaten so much in a week in my entire life. With my belly full, I slept like a dead man every night, and it was absolutely satisfying.

On the evening before my flight back to Japan, Grandpa Michael and I were sitting on his back doorstep, drinking some fruit juice and staring out at the ocean. If I thought sunsets over the lake in Granite Falls were beautiful, let me tell you they've got nothing on sunsets over the ocean. The last time I'd seen anything like that, I'd been in Sulani, but somehow this was better. It wasn't that the sunset itself was any more gorgeous, but because I was seeing it with someone I care about and who I know cares about me.

"It's been a long time since I got to sit here and enjoy this with another person," my grandfather said, as if he were reading my thoughts.

"I'm glad I get to watch it with you."

"Me too," he said. "I hope you'll come back here more often, once you're all settled into your new home. Bring your husband too. He seems like a sweet little fellow."

I laughed at that, thinking about how Yuri would respond to being referred to as 'a sweet little fellow'. He'd probably love it, and I could picture him blushing.

"I will," I promised. "But I guess you'll be coming to Willow Creek more often now too, won’t you? So we'll have extra chances to see each other."

"Hmm..." Grandpa Michael leaned back in his chair and stretched his long legs out in front of him. "I never thought I'd find someone I wanted to be with after your grandmother. I didn't think I'd ever want to love anyone that way again, honestly, but I might have changed my mind."

"You think love at first sight is a thing?"

"No," he said. "You never want to say 'love' too quickly, but it's okay to think about it, and I've got a good feeling."

I smiled. "I'm really glad you met Juliet."

"So am I. She made me remember that being alive and living life aren't the same thing," he said. "You know, it's easy to give up on living when you feel like you've lost your reason to live. But, I think we forget that we've got more than one reason. There's more to live for than that one person or thing we lost."

I thought about Yuri. He'd been at his lowest point this past winter, and for a while I'd really been afraid that he'd given up on wanting to be alive, not just on living. Nothing I said or did seemed to matter, and it was scaring me more than anything else ever had. But then, just when I was wondering what would become of him, of us and the future we’d planned, his reminder to live came from the most unlikely source; his father.

If somebody asked me to guess who'd save Yuri in the end, I never would’ve predicted it’d be his dad. Their relationship was practically non-existent up until this year.

It’d taken some pretty horrible events to make them take the first tiny steps toward fixing their broken trust, but all the pain and suffering was worth it if Yuri and his dad learned how to communicate with each other. They’ve both found hope and renewed determination to make the most out of their time in the world, and I’m thankful.

Since March, their relationship has grown by leaps and bounds, and it's been truly amazing to observe. Yuri is happier than I've ever known him to be. He's looking forward, rather than being stuck in a bubble of self-pity and going nowhere. Even the smallest things seem to bring him joy now, and I can't even begin to describe how full my heart is over that.

I want this to last. I want him to be happy forever, and I don't even care if I'm not the catalyst. Seeing him happy makes me happy. The reason for it doesn't matter, as long as he's thriving.

Of course, I'm enough of a realist to get that it's not always going to be sunshine and strawberry milkshakes. Yuri's chronic illness will never go away, so it's inevitable that he'll have bad days or weeks. Plus, we're doubtless going to have to deal with difficult stuff that's completely unrelated to Yuri's health.

That having been said, I'm of the opinion that happiness is a state of being. Like, even if we're not constantly cheerful and we're navigating scary or unpleasant situations, we can still be happy. There's always something to be grateful for, always one more reason to keep on living, and that's what I want for Yuri. My wish for him is that he'll finally understand happiness is something he can choose for himself, and even if everything around him is dark and bitter, he can still find his own metaphorical sunshine and strawberry milkshakes on the inside.

When I shared that with Grandpa Michael, he told me he was proud of me and said I should be proud of myself too.

"You've grown up a lot since you've been away," he commented.

"Thanks. I've had a lot of people helping me."

"Other people can only get you so far. You have to want to do it."

"I don't know if I wanted to," I confessed. "Being an adult is hard. Part of me wishes I could just stay a kid forever, Know what I mean?"

"Believe it or not, I do," he said. "But you know what they say. You don't have to stop playing just because you're growing up."

With that in mind, I've made it my mission to get in as much playtime as possible this summer and to bring as many people along with me on my adventures as I can.

I made up my mind to stay with my in-laws when I got back to Mt. Komorebi, and I have no regrets. Yuri and I have been filling our days with all kinds of activities from long walks on the mountain trails, to visiting local museums and galleries, to picnic lunches by the lake near his parents' house. I returned in time for the Festival of Snow, and the whole family went to it together. We were out all day, and it was even more fun than last year.

A few weeks ago, Yuri and I took a weekend trip to Kyoto for shopping, sightseeing, and a classical music concert. Yuri convinced me to go back to the spa we went to on the day before we got married, and afterwards we bought dango from a street vendor and ate it in the little park where we had our wedding pictures taken.

We've been spending time with our friends as well, and it probably goes without saying that Sakura and I are training on the mountain as much as we’re reasonably able to. Last week, Yuri told me that he thought he was finally feeling strong enough to get back on his board, so I called Sakura and asked her if we could skip training for the day so I could take Yuri snowboarding. She sounded only too glad to oblige, and said she might come out to join us, if Yuri didn't mind. He said he didn't, so Sakura met us at the intermediate slope, and the three of us had one of the most wonderful mornings I've had in a long time.

Yuri was exhausted by the time we were done, but even more importantly, he was hungry. He practically begged me to take him to a local ramen house for his favourite meal of the moment, kake udon. That's a kind of mild noodle soup that can be served with different toppings like tofu, sliced fish or shrimp tempura. Yuri likes it with scallions and fish. He somehow talked me into buying him strawberry daifuku as well, and then he didn't even share them with me. Like... the nerve! When it became clear I wasn't going to get even a bite of one of his, I had to order my own. I pretended to protest, but I was secretly thrilled, if you really want to know.

Yuri's been doing so good with his eating that Dr. Kasongo thinks she might be able to remove his feeding tube by the end of the year. He officially finished the first phase of his nutrition rehabilitation therapy in mid-July, so that means no more food intelligence classes and no more weekly visits with the nutritionist and psychologist.

He's happy about not having to meet with the psychologist every single week, but he's nervous about not seeing the nutritionist as regularly. She's been like a safety net for him, I think. He had to be accountable to her, and now he's worried that he's not going to be able to do it without her encouraging, reminding, and occasionally scolding him about his food intake and eating choices. He's supposed to continue with his daily food diary, and at this point he's supposed to start planning his own weekly menu or at least contributing to the planning of a family menu. He has a short consultation with the nutritionist every two weeks, usually ten or fifteen minutes by video call, so he can go over his food diary and meal plans with her. It's nothing like his previous hour-long weekly in-person sessions, and he's stressed.

Everyone in the family is cheering him on, though. We all know he can do it.

His current goal is to go sixty consecutive days without a single tube feeding. That, and his general overall health, are the criteria for having the tube removed. He looked like he was about to panic when the doctor told him that, and on the way home from his appointment he cried while telling me he didn't think he was ready to go sixty days in a row.

"It's okay," I said. "If you're not ready yet, that's not a bad thing. Just do the best you can."

"But, I'll be delaying our move even more if I can't do this," he said.

"No, you won't. We've got the date for your first appointment with Dr. Kim now, don't forget. We can move any time between now and then, and if you still have your tube when we move, I'm sure Dr. Kim can take it out just as easily as Dr. Kasongo could."

As a matter of fact, he'd received the email from Dr. Kim, the gastroenterologist at Willow Creek Regional Hospital, just the day before we last saw Dr. Kasongo. Yuri's initial appointment with Dr. Kim is scheduled for the twenty-second of October. While I wanted to leave Japan before autumn, I had to acknowledge there really was no rush, and if we didn't get to Willow Creek until mid-October, that would still be fine.

When we got back to Yuri's parents' house, we told them all about how it'd gone with Dr. Kasongo. Mr. and Mrs. Okamoto agreed that it was okay if Yuri didn't think he was ready to commit to the sixty-day home stretch yet, but they also said they were confident in his ability.

Yuki, who had overheard part of the conversation, later offered the helpful suggestion of making a sticker chart. "So every day you go without formula, you get to put a sticker on it, and at the end, you get a big reward!"

I thought she meant the 'big reward' was having his tube taken out, but Yuki had something else in mind. She conspired with her mother to create the most fantastic sticker chart I've ever seen. They drew it on poster board, and blocked it with six rows of ten squares each. Every tenth square had 'reward' written on it, and the sixtieth square boldly proclaimed 'BIG REWARD!!!' in alternating yellow and pink letters, Yuri's favourite colours. They bought an assortment of stickers for him to use on it, including ones with pink ice cream, seashells, glittery rainbow stars, cute baby animals, and — to his obvious delight — sparkly musical instruments, including violins.

"Look at this, Yuri. We have a plan," his mother said, as she went about hanging the chart on the wall in the kitchen. "Whenever you're ready to start counting your sixty days, let me know, and I'll give you the stickers."

To my surprise, it was less than a week later when he told her he was ready to begin.

Today is the ninth of August. We're on day eight of the first ten days today, and the full sixty days will bring us up to the first of October. We’ll be sure to keep you informed about how it’s going, but so far, so good.

We're tentatively planning our move for the middle of September, and I'm cautiously optimistic. Everyone who's watching this, please wish us luck.

There are people who say luck isn't really a thing, and that we can only get ahead by persistence and hard work, but I think it's a combination of the two. Like, I think it's true that our own efforts and our determination to succeed is the real driving force, but who would ever say no to a serendipitous stroke of luck? Even the hardest worker needs a helping hand now and then, and I'm not too proud to accept a well-meant wish for good fortune and success.

[cockadoodlebumtits]

Mentioned all the renewed Goncharov (1973) hype to my mum and she rolled her eyes. “Yeah, your aunt was really excited about that film when it came out, she got all the girls at the office to watch it. They even made little leaflets for each other and made copies when the boss wasn’t looking.” I couldn’t believe it. My Auntie Pat, making what sounded like early Goncharov zines? Was Mum sure it was Goncharov? “Trust me, I remember. I used to call it ‘God, Shut Up!’ to annoy her.”

So obviously I have never rung my aunt so fast in my life. I hardly dared to hope she’d still have some bits of paper from her first job kicking around 49 years later (she did not appreciate me phrasing it like that, for the record) but she loved the film so much... Here’s what she could dig out for me without completely turning the house upside down. Apparently they were in her ‘important documents’ folder along with less essential things such as her kids’ birth certificates, vaccination records, etc. Full transcript below the cut.

[Image 1: A scan of a photocopy of the first page of an old typewritten zine. It's quite legible, considering. A hand-drawn title at the top of the page reads 'THE WEDNESDAY CHIMES' in capitals. The 'C' of 'CHIMES' has a little clock face drawn in it.

The typewritten portion of the page reads as follows (titles were originally in red, but are just in a slightly paler grey on the photocopy).]

A GONCHAROV ZINE INSPIRED BY STAR TREK ZINES – 7TH OF NOVEMBER, 1973, BRIGHTON

Joan Chipperfield, Nancy O'Reilly, Linda McGregor, Susan Armitage, Maggie Williams, Mary Coleman, Pat Hutchinson.

Thank you to all you ladies for contributing, please don't forget to put a few pence in the petty cash (new pence, Mags) to cover reproduction costs. -LM

THE CLOCKTOWER. The scene at the clocktower was one of our favourites, of course, but one thing we haven't really discussed is the use of colour in this part of the film. This was the turning point for the red-blue colour motifs, in my opinion, so it has a lot of both colours in the way it's lit and the various characters' [deleted word] palettes. I'm pretty sure this was when the Goncharovs' colour palette first diverged, with the first appearance of Goncharov's red tie replacing his blue one, and Katya still wearing only cool colours like her trademark grey/silver and her blue brooch. Obviously they're in two different physical places at this point but as the film cuts between them these colours show that they're also not on the same page emotionally. I think Andrey is actually [misspelt 'actualy'] wearing less red than in some of the previous scenes (even excluding the opening, which is in the future, where everything is red) showing how tired he is at this point. If anyone remembers exactly what Andrey was wearing please let me know – I'm honestly not certain. Did he still have his wrist-watch at this point or had he already lost it? -SA

KATYA. I just think it's really sad that Katya is trying so hard to make her life work even though everything is against her – Goncharov himself, her guilt over her father and what happened to him, even sometimes Sofia – but she keeps going and she is doing her best, but then it all comes crashing down around her anyway. -MC

GONCHAROV AND ANDREY. I don't know if this makes any sense, but it sort of feels as though Andrey is more like Goncharov's wife than Katya is. Whenever he has a bad day in the film, he turns to Andrey instead of Katya. And then, to a certain extent, this is mirrored by Katya's relationship with Sofia. She's protective of her and she's trying to help her make her way in the world, but she also relies on her far more than she ever does on Goncharov. I just think that's really interesting. -PH

MUSICAL SCORE. I don't know how you all remember so much about the film so long after we went to the pictures. All I remember is that the tickets were too expensive for how many times in a row we saw it, and I can't believe I let you talk me into it oh and also the music was very good, I enjoyed that immensely. I wish the orchestra would visit for a concert so we could all appreciate it again. -JC

APPLE FRIEND. I want to know more about the 'old friend' who gave Katya the apple in the market. There are so many unanswered questions about their relationship in the past and what that friend is doing there now, because aren't they in Italy? I don't remember if they were there to try to take over Naples or if they moved to get away from their old lives and events overwhelmed them to the point where they tried to take over Naples but either way it seems very far away to bump into an old friend unless that old friend was there for a reason. What was apple friend doing there? I think maybe it's a bit like the apple in Snow White, and Katya was right not to eat it. What do you all think? -MW

ICE PICK MAN. What was his name? Joe? I would have watched a whole film about him, to be honest. He was a very exciting character and in many ways he went on almost the same journey as Goncharov, only faster. I wonder if he had a Katya somewhere, waiting for him to come home. -NOR

[The page is signed with the typewritten initials LM, next to the page number 1. Both of these details are in the paler grey that was originally red.]

[Image 2: A scan of a photocopy of the first page of an old typewritten zine. It's quite legible, considering. A hand-drawn picture sits in the top-left of the page, incorporating the word 'CHIMES'. It is a scene featuring a small town with a church in the foreground, a river, and a small copse of trees with a flower. The river runs over the 'M' of the word 'CHIMES', which is incorporated into the drawing to resemble a bridge. The 'C' has a pair of clock hands in it, and in the top of the M is a little platform with two figures on it.

The typewritten portion of the page reads as follows (titles were originally in red, but are just in a slightly paler grey on the photocopy).]

A GONCHAROV ZINE – 23RD OF JANUARY, 1974.

Joan Chipperfield, Nancy O'Reilly, Linda McGregor, Susan Armitage, Maggie Williams, Mary Coleman, Pat Hutchinson.

Thank you to all contributors, money in the petty cash please. -NOR

SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU. “Katya.” She turned in the doorway of the room, meeting Sofia's eyes in the mirror of the vanity. “I hope, more than anything, that one day you find someone who loves you. Someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved.” What could Katya say to that? It was all she had ever wanted for herself, but it was forever out of reach. Once, she had hoped that her husband would be that person. But the time for such dreams was long past. She was silent for too long, and Sofia spoke again. “Well? Aren't you going to say it back?” But Katya couldn't. -LM

THE BATH. I keep coming back to the bath scene – I know you're all sick of hearing about it. But given Goncharov's fear of drowning and the unease and distrust in this scene in general, the fact that the bath was so full, too full, to the point where Goncharov can't even move without water slopping over the side onto the floor, so he just sits there and barely moves except to shiver... I don't know, I feel like that means something, and I'm going to work it out. -PH

A KINDER FAREWELL. Goncharov could see nothing but the gun, for a moment, his very breath catching in his throat. Then he forced his gaze upwards, to Andrey's face. “Must it end this way?” Andrey swallowed hard. “All things end this way, Goncharov.” “But must they? Can't we make some time to find a better way? Can't we just... go away from all this? You and I? Where they will never find us?” Andrey's hand, holding the gun, shook. He lowered it slowly. “Where could we go?” “Anywhere you like,” said Goncharov, and they walked away together. They found a little house in France and lived happily ever after, and nobody from their old lives ever found them. -JC

JUST A FEW NOTES. The opening scene of the film really sticks in my mind, because even though none of the other characters appear in that opening scene, the piece of music that plays every time Andrey is on screen is underscored by all those little tunes that go with the other characters. I noticed it on the second or third night we went – to begin with Andrey's theme is alone, but then it's joined by little pieces of Goncharov's, Katya's, and Sofia's. I think the little two-note sting from Ice Pick Joe's final scene even appears, but very slowly and gently. Very clever! -SA

NOBODY EVER SLEEPS. None of these characters seem to stop for a moment! Even when we see Katya and Goncharov in their dressing gowns, getting ready to go to bed, it turns into an argument and Goncharov leaves. (I do think it's funny to imagine him out wandering through Naples in his dressing gown, being angry. Scary Mafia man that he is.) And when Sofia appears to be asleep that time, she opens her eyes at the end of the scene, revealing that she's been listening all along. It's a wonderful film but I get tired just thinking about how exhausted they must be. -MW

THEY CALLED ME JOE. Disappearing had been a gruesome business. Joe hadn't enjoyed carefully staging his own death, arranging for a witness, manipulating events so he would appear to be violently killed. But there had been no other way. Joe had been trapped in a cycle of brutality, known by the weapon he wielded and not the name that meant family or home. Escaping from the mess he'd got into – the mess he'd made – in Naples meant leaving it all behind, both the good and the bad. It semed seemed to Joe that most of the people he knew there who weren't already dead would be soon. So he staged his death, and he fled everything that he knew, and he got himself a nice job selling ice creams on Brighton beach. He met a nice girl one day, and she said, “well, what do your friends call you?” “They called me Joe,” he said. -MC

[The page is signed with the typewritten initials NOR, next to the page number 1. Both of these details are in the paler grey that was originally red. End ID.]

(Also, credits: the paper background is by Annie Sprat on Unsplash and the font is Remington Noiseless, via dafont.)

[myapathyhaspeaked]

fun fact when i fainted as a teenager (spent too long by the poolside in the florida summer) my mother started constantly asking if i felt faint/hot or if i’d had anything to drink whenever the temperature shoots up. which i mean kinda valid, but i don’t have anything that makes me prone to fainting, and she was wasn’t as worried about my brother. like the only problem was that it was hot and id probably not had a drink in a while. she cooled off after a while but sometimes she still asks if i’m drinking stuff.

so uh cut to me being in waiting mode all saturday, therefore not eating or drinking anything bc i didn’t leave my room and id ran out of snacks and my thermos was empty, plus by the time i started being hungry enough to not ignore it i was preparing to shower. and i get in the shower and there is a fine line between boiling and normal human temperatures, and i can’t find it because the dial is janky, so i settle for a simmering boil and, uh, shower.

and it’s fine for the most part, pretty humid (that’s a surprise tool that’ll fuck us up later), but when i get out and start changing into my church clothes, my vision starts to get a staticky (well, more staticky than it usually is without my glasses lol, plus it’s a stall so nothing should be so far away that that’s happening). and uh oh, guess what was the beginning symptom at the pool. so i start rushing to put on my clothes, which is made a bit difficult by my arms feeling like i’ve replaced my bones with lead, my sense of balance being slightly fucked, a massive fucking headache, and the static obscuring my vision pretty well now. all the while i’m loudly muttering help bc if i fall and bonk my head id like help but for whatever reason i can’t talk louder than conversational level and there’s no one there anyway.

but i have my dress on now (backwards), so now i’m perfectly decent to um fall on the icky shower stall floor. luckily i didn’t fall backwards like last time (or at least i think i did, i was grabbing my dads arm as we walked to the car but i woke up supine on the ground) my legs just give out and i crumple to where my dress is now wet but i don’t hit my head. yippee. also i didn’t go night night so i’m not entirely sure it counts as fainting?

but i pick myself up as soon as i’m somewhat sure i’m not an immediate fall risk and i get to the part where the sinks end and there’s a corner to the door and oh would you look at that im still a fall risk bc i fall again! still, didnt hit my head, so pretty good. dropped my shower stuff holder thing and my body wash fell out so i had to come back and duck under the sink to grab it though. ugh. however, did not go night night. so i’m also not sure if this counts as fainting. maybe i can count them as half faints and say i fainted once idk.

so i get up and do my best to speed walk to my room bc it’s at the end of the hall and the hallway has a lot more traffic than the bathroom. and it sucks bc i’m dizzy and my head hurts, plus my dress is wet and i just touched the bathroom floor twice when i’d just showered, so i feel very gross. but i don’t have time to shower again so it is what it is. and once i get into my dorm i lock the door (probably stupid given the circumstances but oh well) and lay on the floor so that i’m physically incapable of falling but mainly so that i can cool off bc the floor is kinda cold. and i just uh walked to church after that. did not remedy the hungry/thirsty situation (i might have taken a swig of those naked smoothie bottles but definitely not enough to do anything).

and uh i have that under lock and key from my family bc if i tell my parents that my mom will probably not let me out if it’s over 90 ever again, and that’s like most of a florida summer, and i can’t tell my brother bc he might snitch (even more likely he’ll make fun of me, but if my parents over hear the jokes it’ll have the same effect).

so um huzzah, don’t leave me out in the sun.

[sakurachan7734]

The mouse and the lizard

Chapter 1: pretty woman

Any trans people or you know of any trans people reading this please let me know if I get anything wrong! And if you don’t believe that trans men are men or trans women are women or that trans rights aren’t human rights gtfo my account I don’t want you here <3

Kim(16) pov

Well after I found out where my dad is he was very happy to see me then he took me to the hospital because I had a few gunshot wounds, and I believe a broken leg I got all patched up and I took a nap when I woke up I figured I wandered around the hospital and I saw a girl with one of the doctors with her she said something about “ so how do you feel after your bottom and uterus surgery? And you will have your breast implanted in the next week or two and you have hrt in a few hours” I thought maybe she had plastic surgery or something but I think I can ask her later

A half hour later Kim goes to Sally’s room

Kim: hi

Sally(16): oh hello! Are you the new kid here?

Kim: yes my name is Kim and you?

Sally: I’m Sally do you need anything?

Kim: yea I wanted to ask you something’s and I’m really sorry that there’s a personal but I heard a doctor ask you how you were after a bottom surgery and something about uterus surgery what was that about? I’m sorry for this questions You don’t have to answer me if you don’t want to 

Sally: oh I don’t mind telling you as long as you won’t hurt or yell at me

Kim: I won’t

Sally: well I am transgender And the doctor I was talking to is my aunt

Kim: what is that?

Sally: it’s the process of changing one gender into the opposite gender like a boy turn into a girl or a girl turning into a boy

Kim: oh cool! Which one are you doing? 

Sally: I am turning into a girl! My name used to be Sam so please don’t call me that

Kim: ohh OK I won’t I like your name, Sally! And what do your parents think about it? 

Sally: oh my parents died when I was 6 in a fire

Kim: oh I’m sorry and the doctor mentioned something about HRT what’s that?

Sally: it’s something a lot of trans people use to change hormones and that’s how I got my breasts

Kim: then why did the doctor say something about breast implants?

Sally: oh I want my chest to be bigger and then I have to wear a waste trainer for a little bit, get my name legally changed to Sally and then I’m a girl! Anyway enough about me why are you in here?

Kim: oh when I was five my mom sold me to a lab and I was tested on, lost my eye and my arm, and I have a hole in my face I eventually got out and got a bunch of gunshots and I broke my leg 

Sally: oh my god that’s horrible i’m glad you’re alive

Kim: yea me too and can I ask why you chose the name Sally?

Sally: oh my mother said that if she had a girl that she will be named Sally and then honor of her that’s why I chose that name 

Kim: oh why did you want to be a girl?

Sally: I didn’t feel comfortable being a boy I realize this when I was about 15. 

Kim: ohh does the process hurt? 

Sally: a little bit

Linda: hello Sally aww I see you’re already made a friend

Sally: yea she was asking me about my surgeries 

Linda: that’s nice Do you feel better?

Sally: kinda

Linda: ok do you want anything?

Sally: no I don’t

Linda: ok what’s your friends name?

Kim: I’m Kim!

Linda: your alive?

Kim: what?

Linda: oh a year or two before you got out your father was starting to think that you were dead

Kim: I know he told me

Linda: ok your father will be back soon

Kim: oh ok doctor Linda

Linda: just call me Linda

A week later

Kim: I meant to ask this when I first met you, but what is that star necklace for? 

Sally: oh it’s a Star of David it’s a symbol for the Judaism religion 

Kim: what is Judaism?

Sally

I started explaining Judaism and its traditions, food and clothing and Kim’s face was adorable while I was explaining everything she was asking a bunch of questions and then her father walks in

John: hi Kim! And you now go by Sally?

Kim:* runs up to hug john* hi dad!

Sally: yes I do did my aunt tell you?

John: yes I will write it down to remember

Sally: ok good! 

John: I just came in to tell Kim that lunch is almost ready

Kim: yay!

John leaves the room to go back to the cafeteria

Sally: so what do you plan on doing when you get out?

Kim: I am going to do some fun stuff with my dad and I’m gonna start school! What are you going to do?

Sally: I’m going to go shopping with my aunt and friends 

Kim: are your friends here?

Sally: no they are at school but they will come visit

Kim: what are there names?

Sally: Daisy and Mary

Kim: did you meet them before or after you transitioned? 

Sally: oh I just started transitioning when I met them 

Kim: when did you start?

Sally: I started in November

Kim: ohh cool!

Meanwhile in the afterlife with Zach and Angelina 

Zach: i just want to go through this mirror and give her a hug

Angelina:* walks up to the mirror*me to I am so proud of her and she seems a lot happier now

Zach: she chose the name Sally because she said that if she was born a girl that’s what you would have named her

Angelina: aww she remembered that

Zach: and she made a new friend

Angelina: she looks like John’s and angels kid

Zach: she dose 

Angelina: Sally was a adorable little boy and now she’s a beautiful girl

End of chapter 









[harrison-abbott]

One of my old mates invited me out for a pint or two for my birthday; and I invited out this other chap who I didn’t know so well – but I’d had drinks with him before and he seemed like a cool guy.

So the old mate was Josh and the new guy was called Lewis. We all met up in the bar and I introduced them and then we sat down with a drink each. And we started talking about academia; because all of us had been to university. Lewis was quite an accomplished academic: in fact, he was studying a PhD at this point. We were just telling stories about our studies, and tutors who we’d found charismatic or a bit egotistical, or brilliant, and so on … and I thought that the chat was going well.

And then as soon as Lewis finished his drink, he shot up from his seat and said, “I’m very sorry,” and he shook my hand and then Josh’s hand, and just walked out of the bar without another word, and we didn’t see him again.

I called to him “See you later,” reproachfully as he left and he didn’t turn and only zoomed out.

Josh just kinda blinked and he didn’t say anything either. So he and I finished our drinks together, and then Josh suggested that we go back to his place and endeavour with beers there, since it would be cheaper. So that’s what we did, and we walked through the park and I was cheering up a bit.

In his flat we played videogames. Footie videogame; and Josh and I had a long rivalry from our high school days, and, again, I was feeling a bit better about earlier.

And then all of Josh’s flatmates and their friends (who I knew as well) turned up, came home. And they came into the living room and saw me and said, “Hey, happy birthday!” and all of that. So they knew that it was my birthday and they hadn’t come along to the bar earlier; they were out drinking some place else, and it was only by chance that they saw me that they offered the salutations. And they were all fun and young, and some of the girls were quite pretty.

This is why I’ve always hated birthdays. They just remind you how unpopular you are. Even if Josh meant well in inviting me out for a drink. I still don’t understand why Lewis left like that: his exit was fairly slapstick.

I saw him – Lewis – maybe eighteen months after that. I’d invited him to an open mic poetry night, a spoken word night, that I was co-hosting. And he came up to where I was sitting and we shook hands and he said, “Can I sit here?” Y’know, as if nothing had happened the last time that I was with him. And so I said yeah. And he performed some of his poetry which was pretty good. And then I got up and I read out these facts, to the audience, about the history of Europe, which was meant to be in reference to Brexit, which was just about to happen.

I often feel real life stories can be even more blunt than fiction. And some moments are hurtful as Hell. But, hey: they sure give you material to write about.

And, anyway – I barely give a toss about birthdays these days. That was my 26th birthday and I’m 31 now. All I did the last few birthdays was hang out in my room and read books. That’s what I enjoy doing so why not. Ha.

[thearchivistsjournal]

Day 372,

Lin asked us all to write in your journal about the first time we met you.  I’m still not sure if she thinks this will bring you back somehow or if it’s just supposed to be a present for you when you get back.  I told them that since I met you first, I should make the first entry.

I actually met you the day you washed up.  Do you remember that?  Probably not.  You were in a daze the whole time, clutching the basket Pat gave you, barely noticing what anyone said, and going back and forth between slack-jawed gawking and this big dopey grin like the flowers on the side of the road were just the greatest thing you’d ever seen.  You always were weird.

It was disappointing.  Sorry, but you were.  I’d always heard stories about outsiders being cool adventurers and explorers with eccentric personalities constantly doing exciting things, but the only one I’d ever met was the last archivist and he was a little kooky sometimes, but never really did anything.  And then Pat brought you over to us and I’d hoped that since you weren’t an old man you’d be like the stories.  Instead you were wandering about like a drunk baby, fascinated by anything shiny or colorful.  I wasn’t even sure you were going to be able to get into the door of your house on your own.  Suddenly, all the times Mom said I was “acting like an outsider” when I tried to go off and explore on my own didn’t make me feel cool and brave anymore.

The next time we met you were a little better.  You have to remember that one.  It was your first market day and you’d had a nature sprite in your house the night before.  You were actually aware of your surroundings this time, so that was something, but you looked like you’d just rolled out of bed and were still tired.  You still look tired a lot of the time, especially recently.  You were tired and messy looking, trying to get you to talk was like pulling up roots, and when you did finally say something you were practically whispering and just sort of looked toward or through whoever you were talking to instead of at them.

I might have been a little mean about all that when you climbed aboard.  Sorry about that.  You were still disappointing.  But then you explained why.  You were haunted!  Suddenly it looked like maybe under all that awkwardness you were secretly cool.  A real proper outsider.  Of course being haunted would leave you like that the next morning.

And that’s when I started trying to impress you.  Yes, I was trying, and if you ever tell anyone or bring it up again I will find a way to lock you out of the library and take over the archive.  And then the floating island showed up and it was like a sign of cool things aligning and then I got all embarrassed about not knowing more about the ruined cathedral to tell you.

I hate to admit it, but I spent the rest of the day thinking about what it was going to be like that evening having you over for dinner.  I was still trying to figure out if you were a “real outsider” or just kinda a weirdo.

And then that night you showed up, hesitant to step in the door even after you were invited and continued to be awkward and quiet all through dinner.  Later I realized that’s just what you having a good time looks like, but at the time I was ready to write you off as being disappointing after all until Manfred asked you to give a telling.  You looked so confused when he asked and then terrified when I explained.  It was actually pretty funny.

After that you just went completely quiet and still for five or ten minutes.  It felt that long anyway.  I started to think you were sick or something.

“Alright, I think I’ve got something.”

You just said that without prompting like you hadn’t realized you’d been quiet for so long and were just continuing the conversation where you left off.

When your telling started it honestly wasn’t very good.  A little embarrassing to watch, really.  But then something gradually started to shift and after a little bit it was like you were a different person.  You were confident, louder, excited, expressive.  Where had all this been hiding?  And that stuck around even after the story ended.  When Acantha and I asked for another I didn’t think you would, but then you rolled right into your own story about how you’d gone and explored the ruined cathedral in the middle of the night during a storm and found ghosts and were planning on going back!

This was what an outsider was supposed to be like!  It’s what I wanted to be like.  Going on adventures.  Telling stories.  Commanding everyone’s attention.  I started making plans to get off the farm and apprentice to you that night.

When I showed up on your doorstep a couple days later I was so nervous.  Would you turn me away?  How much trouble was I going to be in when I got back home?  You didn’t, and it wasn’t that much trouble.  Totally worth it.  Best time out I’d ever had.

I’ve learned since then that a lot of what you do is actually pretty boring and you’re not - like really not - any kind of cool and brave adventurer.  But you know what, that’s okay, because what you are is the first person to not treat me like a little kid all the time.  Yeah, sometimes you go on and on about needing to make sure I’m safe and being careful, but it’s not the same as when my family does it.  I’m not the baby sister to you; you just worry all the time about everything.  But when you’re not doing that, you know what I can do, I know what I can do, and you let me do it, even if I’m wrong or mess up.  No one else has ever done that for me.  

Well, one other person, but I haven’t talked to her in a long time.  This girl I went to school with who was a couple years older than me.  She’s kind of like a cooler, less awkward version of you.  So, pretty weird and quiet and likes to be alone a lot, but she manages to be stylish with it.  Maybe I should introduce you two sometime.

Until then, I’ll just keep being cool enough for the both of us.

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