#anyway i literally have to go to sleep (2am) or i’m gonna die

[pyrrhum]

in the ultimate amalgamation of my interests i paired a (re)read of designations congruent with things with the partizan soundtrack on loop and it’s skyrocketed into the top five of Most Hyperspecific Experiences of All Time for me; ranking after “4 rebuilds 4 lokos 1 evening meets riverdale season 6 in a moment of serendipity” but before “taking a moment of my tour of the stanley hotel to recite my favorite passage from the shining”

[in-tua-deep]

Are you into my hero academia? What about an AU or crossover with tua?

UHHHH I am technically, like, peripherally? I watched some seasons of the show like two or three years ago and since then have simply absorbed all content through osmosis, reading fanfiction that has canon events, and my sister telling me about the arcs of her fav characters lmao

so a crossover hmmm

First of all you'd have to like, establish whether bnha is an alternate universe or just The Future If No Apocalypse with quirks being traced back to the descendants of the kids born without mothers

So let's say it's that - the glowing baby was the "first quirk" but the truth is people had powers before that. But - well, the Umbrella Academy was obviously a marketing gimmick to those in the future! There were even comics based on them

In the future, you might find some of those comics in museum exhibits dedicated to depictions of powers in the pre-quirk era, but they're just fun depictions and much less popular than, oh, DC or MCU comics which are also in the exhibits!

End of s2 doesn't happen I guess in this au?? No sparrow academy at least lmao. So, the Umbrella Academy stop the apocalypse (again) and the Commission threat is? Neutralized? Whatever. They decide to jump back to the future

Five warns them that time travel is a crapshoot, that he has no fucking idea when they'll land beyond some nebulous "future" because Five can at least control the direction if not exactly how long

Also, Five is like. Super tired. Incredibly tired. Homeboy still has a healing gut wound, time traveled twice, has been jumping all over the place, gotten even more injured, experienced paradox psychosis, and managed to undo time all in the space of like, two weeks. There actually more than that but we don't have time to get into how fucking tired Five is from his ~Month of Hell

Like genuinely this is like putting someone almost delirious from lack of sleep in the driver's seat of a car and expecting to get to your destination in one piece

But hey, the siblings are like "do it uwu" and Five has sacrificed everything for them already so why not get behind the wheel again

So Five jumps them, and of course something goes wrong because Five has pushed his powers like a great big rubber band and honestly it was only a matter of time before he lost his grip and it snapped back to hit him

So here be the umbrella academy: spilled out into the future like a cup of bad coffee.

Five probably isn't in too good of shape tbh, like they're hundreds of years in the future (but hey at least confirmation of no apocalypse am I right) in a world full of superpowers and Five is like. bleeding from his ears and nose probably idk

Let's handwave a little bit - Reginald made them all polyglots so the squad all speak varying levels of Japanese. Allison is the best at it, Five is second best but tends to use more archaic words bc he had missions in Japan back when he was with the commission, and Klaus is third best.

(Ben is the worst bc he decided when he was 16-and-dead that he didn't have to do anything regarding lessons and maintenance and hasn't given a shit since - but also he's dead so)

So you have a bunch of weird adults with a bleeding child in like, an alley who have appeared from nowhere

so of course heroes get involved

Anyway, the squad get taken in and Five is conscious but like, barely? And he's not going to let himself get separated from his siblings again fuck-you-officer and there is a lot of confusion

anyway detective tsukauchi ends up getting involved and ends up having to hear this batshit story and be like "...truth." which sends all kinds of people scrambling because fucking time travel? Like yeah, it's been theorized to be a possible quirk but there's no recorded cases of any sort of time travel that is for more than 24 hours let alone hundreds of years

"I'm an adult." Five says sourly, "I just happened to be returned to my 13 year old body when I time traveled one time."

"True." Tsukauchi says, feeling his soul leave his body, but like. absently. the way he does when he's called in at 2am after getting off of work at midnight.

"I'm 58." Five says.

"Lie." Tsukauchi says, because this is a headcanon hill I will die on.

"I'm probably 58, but it was hard to keep track. I'm at least 50." Five corrects.

"True." Tsukauchi sighs like these six (seven? they keep referring to another sibling and Klaus said 'ghost' like that was fine and it registered as true and Tsukauchi is not nearly paid enough for this) are not giving him a migraine by just existing

on the bright side there's like, probably protocols in place for individuals who are Legally Chronologically Adults but thanks to quirks are Not Physically Or Not Mentally Adults with tests to determine if the individual needs a guardian or not

though i'm gonna be honest idk if Five would pass the test bc he literally cannot take care of himself at all, has never paid taxes or understands how to exist legally, and also his emotional maturity is stunted as all hell. also like. we don't actually know how much being in his thirteen-year-old body affects his mental state but yeAH Five is vibing

anyway Tsukauchi probably phones a friend on this bullshit because Time Travel Child alone is probably enough for the Hero Commission to be like "find a way to control and use it or nuke it from orbit" and that's not even touching whatever the fuck Klaus is doing (shit gets real once 'dead men tell no tales' stops being true) let ALONE Allison's whole deal

on the bright side like, at least Vanya isn't getting side-eyed that much bc Big Destructive Quirks aren't exactly unknown? if vanya wanted to i guess quirk suppressors exist for that until extensive training on how to control a super powerful quirk happens

Tsukauchi in the group chat: Aizawa please I am literally begging you to take this bullshit on

Aizawa: in this economy? with my class?

RatGod: lol we'll take them ;3c

Aizawa: no

Anyway they probably end up having to live at UA while Five insists on trying to get them home still and everyone else is like "oh hey we used to be child soldiers as well! (:" and Aizawa is like "i hate everything about this and everything about all of you but also like nedzu is making me interact with you so :/"

nedzu is out here vibing like "lol i just don't want the hero commission to get their little paws on these time traveling fuckers, i think you should make then teaching assistants or something"

honestly the siblings are probably like. figuring out how to function in the bnha universe and getting like, legally registered and stuff while Five ferally refuses bc that's like saying he's giving up on getting them home and he can do this

Recovery girl tries to heal him a little when he arrives and he passes out for two weeks like, immediately bc homeboy is running on fumes and spite at this point

also i think on principle it would be REALLY FUNNY if the squad got to tag along with the class bc like. Five is thirteen and the class are all 15. this does not sound like a large age gap. anyone who has interacted with teenagers know that the class would squint at Five and be like "who is this sassy lost middle schooler."

I feel like when I was a sophomore we were still like "freshman... babie" even though we were literally only one year older.

i think the difference between the umbrella academy and school kids would be pretty funny like. objectively the bnha kids are lowkey child soldiers?? like they're 15 and fighting villains but like, there's all this red tape and laws and stuff but,,, deku still be breaking his limbs in a child fighting ring against equally superpowered children for like. entertainment and sponsorships sooo

but also like Five would be like "oh cool when is the experimentation class"

"the what"

"you know, when your powers are pushed real hard by putting you in different terrible situations while your dad and sibling stand by with clipboards writing down the exact voltage it takes before you can't use your powers anymore when being electrocuted"

"hound dog's office is right there. therapy is available to you at any time. i need you to know this."

all might calls Luther "my boy" like one (1) time and Luther just breaks down crying probably because he is starved for positive attention

klaus and midnight get along like a literal house on fire, aizawa tried his best to keep them apart for as long as possible but god damn

(klaus: your name is shimura nana??

all might: immediately dies choking on blood)

i feel it absolutely necessary to point out that aizawa, present mic, and midnight are all like, 30? and the umbrella academy are all between 29-early 30s? they are PEERS but like. the umbrella academy are more chaotic due to childhood trauma

the umbrella academy probably get offered to like. also train to be heroes. i mean,, there HAS to be some sort of track for people who change careers right?? you don't have to cement your future as a hero when you're 15 i'm sure there must be something and the squad already have experience if they want to go be legal heroes

diego probably does at least?? diego just vibes honestly. diego gets momo to make knives during a team exercise and they just go feral on everyone else and it ends with diego highfiving momo and someone getting way to close to being stabbed for comfort

Five might just be. legally enrolled as an Actual Student? But also i think it's funny to picture the entire squad just. all in the back of the classroom with luther trying to fit into a high school desk as they take notes on the laws of The Future surrounding heroics

every word out of the umbrella academy's mouths just make everyone more concerned on principal but like, five and klaus are probably the worst offenders. Klaus just says whatever comes to mind with no filter and Five doesn't get what people would consider to be abnormal anymore like

Five: yeah our dad bought us when we were babies and experimented on us throughout our childhood in order to make an elite team of child soldiers superheroes, it happens

Todoroki: ...have you heard of quirk marriages?

izuku probably has an aneurism bc he's is the only person who might recognize them from the comics because you know ya boy extensively researched the idea of heroics in pre-quirk eras (batman was an inspiration alright???) and might dredge up a memory of a less popular comic series

Five: I can time travel but it is very hard, which is why we are hundreds of years in the future. And why I look like a child.

Kaminari: so are you a kid or not?

Five, serenely: whatever is most convenient for me at any given moment

Mina: hell yeah game the system

they have a brief lesson on astronomy and Luther raises his hand like "ooh! i was isolated on the moon for four years and did SO MUCH research" and then just gets up and starts infodumping like way too much information on the moon

Izuku sitting there like "damn if quirks hadn't popped up we could have achieved so much in terms of space travel. please tell me more giant man who lived in pre-quirk era."

Vanya finds out about the quirkless and is like "oh mood that genuinely sounds like my childhood, being ordinary in a house full of extraordinary people, and then i found out that i did have powers but only much later in life after i had already been emotionally scarred by the experience"

deku: vanya we have so much in common

iida and uraraka: concerned noises

aizawa: hound dog. therapy with hound dog for all of you.

there's probably some conflict with like, the hero commission wanting to get their hands on the time travelers?? but probably especially five and klaus as a) time travel and b) ghosts (the hc def has bodies they would like to stay buried)

five has a pavlovian reaction to anything with 'commission' in the name and hates them on site, probably plays into his age in order to become a ward of UA or something to protect him from the commission a little bit.

(this makes nedzu Five's legal guardian. aizawa has his resignation papers all prepped in a drawer marked 'in case of emergency' but let's be real, if nedzu wants to take over the world aizawa should probably be on the rat-bear's side of things :/)

five: ah, i do recall the inhumane experimentation that we were subjected to

nedzu, who was experimented on: haha same hat! want me to dig up the location of reginald hargreeves's remains so you can spit on them?

klaus: nah no worries we dumped them out in the courtyard unceremoniously like, a while back. how long ago varies for each of us because of time travel!

luther: you said hound dog's office was down the hall and to the right?

on the bright side, Luther probably feels like. way less self conscious about his body, partially bc of his fighting and all that in the 60s but also bc !! now he genuinely doesn't feel like a freak. no one even gives him a second glance. one of the teachers looks like a slab of cement with a face. gang orca looks Like That. there is literally a student with an entire bird head and goth aesthetic. Luther does not stick out at all

allison and shinso bond over having "villainous" voice-based quirks

allison and shinso having worn muzzles at some point in their youth as punishment 🤝

aizawa probably helps train vanya as well with the whole, being able to erase a world ending quirk safely thing he's got going on which makes for a very nice safety net

i don't think vanya would want to be a hero at the end of things though. maybe the assistant teacher in the music class or something?? all vanya wants is to be able to not end the world

i feel like as time goes by, five brings up trying to get home less and less. part of that is because like,,, genuinely what do they have to go back to?? Allison has Claire, but like. I'm 100% sure the first thing she did in the future was try track down Claire's records and found out Claire was like. fine. became an adult, had a family, probably became the ancestor of the first "quirked" kids who officially popped up after light baby. had a good life, died at an old age etc. etc.

they start settling into the bnha world with like, "we can always hop aboard the five express into where the fuck ever" as a plan Z if things go completely pear shaped (again)

i'mma be real, five himself doesn't give a fuck as long as there is a) no apocalypse and b) his family is alive. Like that's it. His bar is so incredibly low and yet his life keeps fucking trying to limbo under it

i just think it would be funny to have like, Five trying to get along with his "peers" and make friends while the siblings do the same but like, in the staff room

also think it would be funny for five to just walk into the staff room and get coffee occasionally.

a teacher: why is a student in here -

Five, sipping coffee: i'm an adult

nedzu like "what kind of guardian would i be if i didn't teach my new son all the tunnels around ua so he can pop out wherever"

five like "hey new dad can i put stashes of supplies all around ua of weapons, money, food, and other assorted things that might be useful if one needed to fight or make a run for it" and nedzu is like "haha just put your list of what supplies you want in your go bags on my desk and i'll critique it later!"

anyway a bnha/tua crossover would be incredibly chaotic but probably very funny

[bitterrsweetss]

haikyuu boys when their girlfriend stays up late:

fem! reader 

ft: tsukishima, nishinoya, oikawa

note: y/f/s: your favourite show

a/n: what better time to write this than at midnight? 

tsukishima

although he may not act like he cares, he actually does

so when he notices that you are sleeping much later than usual, he is really concerned

just wants his baby to be healthy :<

which means getting enough sleep 

at around 1 am, he was online and saw that you were too

he got worried because he thought you were stressed and staying up late to study or something

he’s literally a hypocrite lol

calls you

“why aren’t you asleep?”

you were binge-watching y/f/s

“you need to sleep”

tries to persuade you too sleep

he definitely says “told you so” when you come to school super sleepy the next day

he tells you to sleep after this episode, but obviously, you don’t

i feel like he would be the type to secretly worry about you

doesn’t wanna show it though

he also buys you a hot coffee the next day

y’all go to his house to cuddle and nap the next day

nishinoya

please, let’s be real, he would stay up later than you

would call you

y’all would talk until really late about really random things

or maybe watch y/f/s with him

i feel like he would be super high at like 2am

really

you would laugh a lot

you just enjoy his company a lot, so it doesn’t really matter what y’all are doing

i think that you would fall asleep on the call before him

he would do that really cliché and cheesy thing where he talks to you and tells you sweet stuff while you’re asleep

only you’re actually asleep and don’t hear anything he says

he says something like how happy he is to have you in his life

and how much he appreciates you

tells you all the things he loves about you in detail

admires you in your sleep

he loves you so much awh

hE’S SMILING AHHH

he also takes screenshots of you sleeping cos he finds it super cute

maybe he sets it as his wallpaper, maybe he does not

falls asleep a bit later

your phones die haha >:)

oikawa

another one that would stay up with you

he would take cute pics with you on facetime

which he sets as his wallpaper

he definitely sleeps earlier than nishinoya though

can’t stay awake for too long

posts on his story about it

y’all would talk deep stuff

you really enjoy talking to him though

he also really loves talking to you

i guess when you love someone you will just enjoy their company

i feel like y’all would jam to songs

he’s the type to make you a playlist of songs that remind him of you and send it to you

y’all would do your nighttime skincare routines together

a lot of jokes

he tells you about his day

if anything happened today that upset you, he tries to cheer you up by making a joke about it

y’all hang up at like 1am? 

idk i feel like y’all won’t call super long at night 

a/n: sorry, this is short,, hope you like it anyways. i attempted to edit it, but i’m not very good at editing my work and its late, so if u see any typo u can just tell me!! my back hurts lol its late and so i’m gonna sleep

[annikuh]

2am talking out loud!

I’m at a point of being overwhelmed where I lay down to go to sleep and immediately start having physical anxiety. not even really mentally conscious about what I’m trying to catch my breath about, it’s just in my body.

considering perhaps trying to make my life a little easier soon…I will certainly fall over stone dead if I don’t. my therapist at one point today said “you’re kind of being a martyr by forcing yourself to suffer, when you truly know you don’t have to.” and I was like “fuck that sucks, I literally cannot stand when other people do that shit, god damn it.”

there’s some stuff I obvi gotta suffer thru, like I can’t stop doing assignments. but I’m gonna try taking some of the emotional load off my shoulders & try to neutralize the turmoil and give myself a break. like I have never had any patience with myself at ALL and I get very frustrated with myself all the time, but I realized like…I have legitimate issues and I’m expecting myself to function like I don’t. i was talking to my coworker last week abt mental illness and I was just describing the basic diagnosis & she was like “that must be so exhausting for you to live with every day, having to regulate yourself all the time” and I was like…huh. yeah it is. & like..bitch that’s a TASK, but I never think about it like it is bc it happens literally all the time every day and has for a million years.

so all that’s to say I’m gonna start being more transparent w/ what I need, I think. I don’t *want* to, and I don’t wanna be a burden, but I’m scared I’m legit going to die if I don’t ease up soon. Jax cannot be the only mf who has to deal with my nonsense. I love them but they aren’t even real.

anyway, hit me with a ho ya if ya still readin’, blessings✨✌️

[woahajimes]

15 days till the world ends and all i have is an expired gift card for jamba juice and a best friend

(for the fic title thing)

cissie & cassie stuck in the local grocery store and its a long weekend but they're also with tim, kon and bart (the title is ''15 days till the world ends and all i have is an expired gift card for jamba juice and a best friend (+ 3 absolute morons)''. it's not really THAT bad until the first night when they all drive each other absolutely batshit (hence the ''world ends'' thing)

anyways i got carried away

Kon takes this real lightly bc "free food, beds, AND literally everything i could ever want??? for a whole weekend?? thanks"

bart: you know its not everyday that i can stay up for as long as i want. max is always like "nO bArT yOu NeEd sLeEp" pfft not today sir" tim sends him to sleep at 10 max

greta was there initially but then she got tired of those morons so she just left and never came back

"we can't just open whatever we want because I'm sure they'll make us pay when they find out we were here" "okay that's cool no problemo"

then they all get hungry and they take half an hour fighting because they all like different types of granola bars (cissie's favourite is the one that bart absolutely hates and the ones they buy at the yj cave are always healthy and disgusting (kon's words) and they should try a new kind. Cassie just opens one of those boxes that come with different kinds of granola bars

"so. what movie are we gonna watch?"

"I THINK WE SHOULD WATCH DIE HARD" "why" "that's jake peraltas favourite movie" "FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME I DONT GIVE A CRAP ABOUT HIM"

"we're watching ocean's eight" "no we're not" "yes we are" "NO WE AREN'T" "WHY?!" "i like oceans eleven better" "TIM NOBODY ASKED YOU"

"WHY CAN'T WE WATCH A ZOMBIE MOVIE" everyone: NO!

they all camped out on the floor even though there were literally beds they could sleep on

*the next morning*

kon: did you know that cissie snores cissie: so? kon: idk its just funny ok

cassie: KON TALKS IN HIS SLEEEEP

kon: SHUT UP I DON'T

cassie: YEAH YOU DO YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT killing the president??? kon for president??? is that a secret ambition of yours???

bart: *snorts* kon: YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN BE TALKING BART!!! YOU DON'T EVEN SLEEP! it was literally 2AM AND YOU WERE LIKE "why does mayonnaise?" NO BART I DONT KNOW WHY MAYONNAISE

"hey what are we gonna have for breakfast?" "granola bars?" "nope"

they ended up having frozen pizza that kon warmed up with his laser eye thing vision

tim: kon. kon: what? tim: KON YOU USED YOUR WHATEVER ITS CALLED YOU CAN LITERALLY BUST US OUT OF HERE kon: yeah? i told you that and you said it was the stupidest idea you'd ever heard and that then we'd not only have to pay for damages but explain to dear batsy how exactly we got LOCKED IN THE GROCERY STORE IN THE FIRST PLACE tim: oh yeah i said that lol

second night its boys in one bed and girls in the other

does not go well.

*next morning* bart wakes up on the floor and turns out he vibrated in his sleep and he's under the bed. it was the guys' idea to sleep inverted (like tim one way and bart the other so that bart's feet would be at tim's (and kon's) heads and vice versa-- its not the smartest way to sleep ngl)

anyways kon somehow turned in his sleep so his feet were at tim's head and bart was literally under the bed and anyways kon woke up with tim's leg wrapped around his torso and his [kons] arm around tim's ankles)

cissie and cassie slept like angels

i have sooo many other hcs on this but like i feel like i went way too far from the title you gave me but sfdksfhf

[kashimos-hajime]

dear... whoever | b.b.

summary: a mandated series of long and short diary entries from the new head of R&D for Stark Industries. 

WARNINGS: swearing, LOTS of fluff, mentions of drinking and sex and hospitals and guns, general fun and witty attitude, small angst, big jealousy, obviously au after civil war. everything after does not exist. pairing: bucky barnes x fem!reader word count: 9.5k

a/n: written for @softbiker​ and 100% inspired by @sunmoonandbucky​ with the format. my prompt was let me love you by rita ora and i wrote it from the perspective the singer is singing it to rather than the actual singer. this was super fun to write. enjoy!

July 31/20

Dear…

Whoever is going to read this. So… me, in the future probably. So, it should be dear WHOMever, I think, but it sounds wrong.

Is it too cliché to say dear diary? I don’t know. After all, I don’t WANT to be writing this but unfortunately I am because it’s mandated. Apparently, the psychiatrist that works for Stark Industries thinks it’s necessary that I write down my feelings and show that I’ve adjusted to working part-time superhero, full-time head of Tony’s stupid R&D department.

Something about how that much stress can cause psychotic fractures in the worst case scenario.

Cute.

Anyway, I don’t know what to write. Currently, it’s 4:23AM. The only reason I’m awake is because I have trouble sleeping on the best night. I heard Barnes messing about and because I am the Hermit of the Rec Room Couch (catchy, I know), I can hear him just walking about.

What the hell is he even doing?

To be honest, I’ve never talked to Barnes besides the occasional greetings because he’s the sort to keep to himself, I guess, and, valid. I’m not saying it’s not, considering his history, but you know.

I think I’m a friendly person, and I’m bored. He’s eventually going to hear me writing noisily because of super-soldier hearing or whatever, so I might just get up and introduce myself.

Not that I’ve been working here for years, but whatever.

I’m really bored and hungry, honestly, so a trip to the kitchen would be considered normal (and warranted) in such circumstances.

Fuck it.

Time to make a new friend or die trying. If you never hear from me again, you’ll know why.

.

Aug. 1/20

Dear Jane,

I finally got the time to write in here and you may be wondering why I have named you. Well, after the conversation at roughly 4:30 AM, here are things that’ve changed in a disorganized list. None is more important than the other. I'm just writing what comes to my head.

One: Barnes said he doesn’t really let anyone call him James. I called him James once because I forgot. Profuse apologies followed. He said it was okay and didn’t mind me calling him that. Now, in my mind, I think he’s just saying this to be polite and really just wants me to call him Bucky but he seemed sincere. We’ll see how it goes.

Two: Barnes was awake because his cat woke him up. I didn’t even know he had a cat but it’s a gorgeous white cat named Alpine that Barnes carries around in his half-zipped up hoodies sometimes. It’s adorable. He’s super soft and friendly and I love him already. He showed me all the tricks Alpine could do. Amazing.

Three: Barnes’ favourite movie is the Godfather. Totally surprising there. Please tell me you understand sarcasm.

Four: He said he liked the name Jane when I told him what I was doing up and also in the rec room (couldn’t sleep, writing in my diary) and that I didn’t want to say “Dear diary”

“Why don’t you just give it a name?” he eloquently suggested and Jane was his answer to my question of “Which name?”

Five: Barnes, or James, I guess he is now, is my friend.

Six: We said we’d meet up at 4:30AM or earlier again because I told him I wanted to show him my s’mores dip recipe.

Seven: Wish me luck. Hope I don’t get murdered.

Eight: I think I might be in love with him.

Bye.

.

Aug. 5/20

Dear Jane,

In an effort to summarize what has happened in the past four days, I will open with the fact that James Buchana Barnes is the cutest motherfucker on the planet. He’s super old fashioned, but that’s a given. He opens the doors for me, offers to take my bags up, and in the past four days, we’ve met up at around midnight to just eat and chat. Then he walks me back to my room with a glass of water and I’m left fanning myself because it’s so sweet and he’s so sweet and OH, MY GOD, I am a child.

This feels like a crush. Like, butterflies in my stomach, self-conscious every time he looks at me, can’t stop staring, and wanting to impress him at every turn sort of crush.

AKA, a middle-school crush and I feel completely ridiculous but that is besides the point because he’s just the loveliest person.

Someone should tell him chivalry is dead. Steve thinks he’s just being sweet on me, and Sam says I should flash some ass just to get a rise out of him which would be funny. He’d look absolutely adorable blushing his head off.

We’ll see. I am considering it.

What else happened? I’m drawing a huge blank.

As explained in a previous entry, I was to show Barnes my s’mores dip recipe. Huge success. Crowd loved it. That’s how I learned he has a huge sweet tooth like me. Got an email from Pep about a board meeting which I ignored. If it’s really important, she’ll see me in person. Went swimming with Sam. We started planning Tony’s big Christmas party even though that’s MONTHS away.

But, you know. We’re so busy all the time, it might be worth it planning ahead.

As head of R&D, it’s vital to me that this goes well because they’re fun when they do go well, and a chaotic disaster when they don’t. Also, I have to find a date but details will follow.

I think that’s it.

If there’s more to follow, then I’ll just come back but there really isn’t.

Oh, Alpine found my room. He’s in here right now and he snores. It’s cute, just like his owner.

Okay, goodnight.

.

Aug. 7/20

Dear Jane,

Sam, James, and I went swimming.

Pro of the day: James is ripped and that man was GLISTENING.

Con of the day: I AM STUPID in front of hot ripped men.

Pro of the day: We got ice cream together. Strawberry for me, mango for James because he wants to try new flavours, and Sam ordered some monstrosity with vanilla ice cream, chocolate and raspberry syrups, and a bunch of banana slices. A swirl of whipped cream to finish it off. It looked like diabetes in a cup and that’s coming from me.

Con of the day: James used his thumb to wipe the ice cream off my lip and my brain short-circuited. Sam teased us about it, but James very stubbornly and convincingly said we’re just friends.

Con of the day x2: We are just friends and that is NOT going to change. I cannot explain how much my heart literally fell out of my body in disappointment.

God, and James and I are meeting up at 2AM tonight so he can show me this new stupid stuffed celerey recipe he learned.

It’s not stupid.

It’s really, REALLY cute he researched it.

This sucks.

.

Aug. 11/20

The worst day ever. I don’t want to talk about it but might as well make a note on it. More on it later, I guess.

.

Aug. 15/20

Dear Jane,

Sorry, I’m dramatic. Must get it from working with Tony for so many years.

Let’s just review what occurred on August 11, 2020, at approximately 3:23 in the afternoon.

I learned that James went out on a date. A DATE. From SAM. When James had ample opportunity to tell me at our regular meeting at witching hour over celery sticks.

EXCUSE ME? WHO IS THIS WOMAN?

I’m not even mad. I’m just angry that the man I became friends with only 2 weeks ago and caught feelings immediately for is seeing other people.

I sound like a raging bitch. I promise you, Jane, that I am not. I’m just the insanely jealous type.

No, I’m not.

God, what is happening to me and why does it have to be James.

I never get crushes and the instant I do, it’s for the most emotionally and physically unavailable person ON EARTH.

Also, work was work. I was distracted, drank soup from the canteen, and generally accomplished nothing. Alpine came for some snuggles while James was out. That’s the only good thing.

Thanks, universe.

.

Aug. 16/20

Dear Jane,

So, I brought up this mystery lady over homemade sundaes.

James seems pretty serious about her because he a) apologized for not telling because he wanted to keep it private and asked me not to tell anyone and b) has a second date with her later today.

Oh, GOD. There is no point to this.

.

Aug. 19/20

Dear Jane,

What’s the point of asking someone intimate, personal questions if not because you guys are best friends?

James called me his best friend today. He says he knows me, but if he did, he’d know I feel like throwing up whenever he’s around and that his stare burns through every layer of clothing until I feel like he just knows my secret.

I told him we’ve known each other less than a month, but he said something stupidly charming about “intuition” and feeling and that this feels right and how he knows he can tell me anything and that I was an easy person to talk to.

I should’ve been a shrink.

At least, my trip to Wakanda is going to give me distance. A solid two months of no one else but me, tech, and new faces. Going there to collaborate with Shuri is definitely exciting and taking up more space in my brain than James these days.

Maybe I’ll fall in love with some soldier over there because apparently, I’m catching feelings willy-nilly these days.

See you on the plane, Jane.

.

Aug. 23/20

Dear Jane,

On the quinjet, it’s fairly quiet. It’s one of the things I love about it. The silent yet soft engines that can lull me to sleep. We should be arriving in a few hours so I thought I’d write. I’m getting the hang of this, I think.

There's a press conference later, too, in the trip with the UN and it’s not that I can’t handle it, but that I could’ve done this in my sleep and wished Tony sent someone else. I hate the press, not gonna lie.

Anyway, this gives me time to be introspective.

Is it just me or James always Okay, is it just my imagination that whenever I try to get close to James, he just kinda pulls away? Not in a romantic way. I’m not stealing anyone’s man because girl code, but he won’t even let me just stand near him anymore. It’s like I have an infectious disease only transmitted through physical contact and it’s just weird.

I don’t know.

Before I left, he said he’d miss me and that we should keep in touch through calls (Obviously, I would) and that he hopes I won’t forget him.

So, you say those things but you won’t even let me even hug you?

You’re a manipulative asshole, Barnes.

.

Oct. 20/20

Dear Jane,

I am so sorry that it has taken so long for us to reunite.

In hindsight, I’m a fucking idiot.

I left you on the quinjet which went back to New York and a different quinjet came to pick me up. I came back like two days ago so these past few days have been spent searching for you.

James offered to help, and he seems normal again.

Weird. Guess he was just in a mood with the new girlfriend and adjusting to having me as a friend, too. Guys go through that, I guess.

In Wakanda, I did not, in fact, fall in love with a soldier or anything. I curse every day that I didn’t, trust me. I’m just as disappointed as you are because I just want to get over this stupid crush. For the two months I was gone, it was like I didn’t like James at all like that. Even during calls, I could pretend we were just two teammates keeping each other in the loop. He talked about his girlfriend, I listened, I explained science because he’s a nerd, and he asked questions like he was interested.

It was FINE.

Then, he was waiting for me when I came back to NYC and it slammed into me like Bruce in Hulk-mode.

James asked if I wanted to meet his girlfriend because she’d be coming around for the Halloween party anyway, and he thinks we’ll get along swimmingly.

He really said swimmingly. He is stuck in the wrong era, but we all knew that.

I said yes, to be polite.

Here’s to hoping she’s a vindictive bitch and I am justified in hating her entire being.

.

Oct. 22/20

Dear Jane,

I met her. She’s small and pretty and mature and normal.

If I wasn’t stupidly in my feelings about James, I’d love her, too. 

She’d treat him right, give him a good home to come back to.

Best not to notice the people fighting beside you in that way, I guess.

.

Oct. 25/20

Dear Jane,

God is dead and NO ONE has eyes on the road.

Jesus isn’t even taking the wheel on this one.

It’s a fucking disaster.

I do not want to describe in every little detail the intricacies of dreaming about James Buchanan Barnes fucking my brains out, so I won’t, but this is for the record that it happened and how the fuck am I supposed to come back and see him in his probably gorgeous attempt at his recreation of Brendan Fraser from the Mummy AKA my favourite movie (which HE KNOWS THAT IT IS?? GOD, the audacity.)

Girlfriend (his girlfriend. “Girlfriend” is the name which she shall be henceforth known as in these entries because petty wins are all I have right now) is dressing as Rachel Weisz. Because “couples goals” or whatever.

I wouldn’t know. Sam and I are dressed up as sexy salt and pepper shakers (his idea, not mine) and he made me take the salt stick because I think he knows. Steve’s not dressing up because he’s more focused on handing out candy as Captain America.

Tony is… Tony. Iron Man and all that.

Anyway, I’m out of town in DC for a meeting with the Secretary of State for a few days, but I’ll be back in New York on the 30th so I’ll have a few hours to adjust to being around James again before he dons on that outfit that I know will be totally hot.

He called me his best friend again in his latest email.

Made me smile like an idiot, but I digress.

.

Nov. 1/20

Dear Jane,

Halloween was killer. Sam and I won best duo for costumes because we’re that good. Ate a lot of candy and it seems to be looking up.

I dunno. I didn’t mind James and Girlfriend on the couch that much in the after-party. Mostly stuck by Nat and Sharon and Tony. An ood trio, but a fun one nonetheless.

It was fun, but I still have to go to work no matter how many jello shots and vodka gummy bears consumed.

Wish me luck, not that I need it.

Why do you think Tony hired me?

.

Nov. 4/20

Dear Jane.

Natasha said I smile at James in a way that utterly betrays every emotion I want to hide in my chest.

Note to self: Don’t smile at James, or at his jokes, or at anything he ever does again. Avoid him. Put a stopper on this friendship.

Note to note to self: I can’t. He just makes me smile whenever he’s around and he’s always around. There’s no simpler way to put it.

I’m gonna try this hiatus thing, though. Distance myself a bit. We’ll see how it goes.

.

Nov. 13/20

Dear Jane,

Day nine of this hiatus business and it sucks. I miss my best friend.

We’re scheduled for a mission together, and we’re leaving tomorrow so I was going to have to talk to him during the briefing and the op either way.

Well, glad to know this didn’t work.

.

Nov. 15/20

Dear Jane,

Guess who just got fucking shot!

ME!

Guess even scumbags can’t take a holiday because some stupid arms dealer got a cheap shot on me while I was downloading their whole computer system and other tech mumbo-jumbo I am too high to write about.

James left a few hours ago with the rest of the team, but not before he got me a bunch of ice chips and said he was worried and that he hopes I get better soon. He even promised to get me some flowers to spruce up the room and to say my HEART went CRAZY is an understatement.

He came to my rescue, essentially, as soon as he heard I got pinned. He carried me to the quinjet the instant he cleared the area and stayed by my side the whole time even though the bleeding stopped and I was in good hands. He was just so protective, barking at doctors and nurses. It was embarrassing but also really, really sweet.

Is it weird of me to say that I want him to stay by my side forever? 

I’ve never fallen in love before.

Is it always this fast and this hard? I feel like I’m crashing instead of gently and wonderfully falling. Everything is dumb and awful.

Is this what love is like? Because it hurts worse than getting shot because I think I’m going to vomit flowers or butterflies or something.

God, he’d never love me. We’re just friends and even though we have a lot in common, he’d never. It’s just too much of the past in the present or whatever.

Also, he has a girlfriend but it seems very surface-level. God, that makes me sound like a “one of the boys” type of girl who’s a bitch to one of the boy’s new girlfriends, but I don’t know. James told me they don’t really talk about the deep stuff like we do. But she makes him happy, I think.

In hindsight, one may ask what the deep stuff is.

More on that later. I’m tired.

God, why him?

I HATE THIS.

goodnight.

.

Nov. 16/20

Dear Jane,

James visited again today. He sat beside me and we talked until the nurses had to kick him out. He also brought the flowers.

I asked about Girlfriend casually. I said I liked her.

He said he did, too.

I don’t know why I think he’s lying. No, I do.

It’s because jealousy is the green-eyed bitch from highschool who still shows up in my life because she thinks she’s relevant to society.

That was mean. Unrequited love makes you mean. Side effect noted.

P.S. The deep stuff includes his past, his arm, his memory, his favourite colour. I dunno why that matters. It just does.

.

Nov. 17/20

Dear Jane,

Got out of the hospital today because of advanced technology and all that. Nothing’s left but a scar and residual soreness. James helped me to my room and said to call him if I had a problem.

I joked that he has a girlfriend and for some reason, he got really weird about it. It’s hard to describe. I dunno. Nat dropped by for popcorn and movies.

It’s 2:32AM. I’m wondering if he’s in the kitchen but I’m confined to bed rest so I don’t know. Also, Nat is asleep beside me and I don’t want to bother her.

Hopefully I can get up and move in a few days. Life is boring.

.

Nov. 24/20

Dear Jane,

Sorry we haven’t caught up in a moment. Work’s been hectic and I’ve been working overtime trying to make ends meet. Most days I’m in the office or lab, just trying to get enough things done so I can take time off come Christmas.

James stopped by tonight with Chinese takeout and some sweet buns.

He broke up with his girlfriend, too.

Guess that’s why he was being weird about it.

I tried being as casual as I could asking why, but he didn’t want to talk about it, so I asked why he came by. Couldn’t be for the company because when I’m in work mode, I just don’t talk and he knows that.

He said something about his arm feeling funny so I gave it a quick diagnostics check.

I think both of us knew his arm was feeling fine.

Everything is stupid, life is meaningless, and James’ lips are the prettiest shade of pink in the ugly lights of the lab.

I would very much like to have kissed him, but I didn’t.

Girl code.

It’ll probably be a while before I get another chance to actually have time and energy to write another diary entry. Christmas season’s coming close and Pepper is gonna need help with the party.

Yay, me.

.

Dec. 4/20

Dear Jane,

Morgan asked me in less eloquent words if I had a boyfriend (it was more like “You boyfriend?” But whatever. Who even taught her that word?) and I swear to GOD Nat could not make it anymore obvious looking at James.

Remind me to absolutely throttle her. I don’t care if she’s the infamous Black Widow. She has clearly never seen me hopped up on nothing but a negative amount of sleep and rage/embarrassment/spite/all of the above.

On another note, Pep asked if I was bringing a plus one for the party. I said I’d think about it. Normally I’d just take Sam but he has his eyes on someone at the VA and I like my friends getting laid so no go there.

Might just go alone. I don’t know.

Pep said I should take James, but I don’t really think she knows the truth about that situation. Luckily, Tony instantly rejected the idea and said he’d find me a date if I couldn’t.

Thank the universe for at least placing me in the close circle of the most well-known and richest man in the world because he also gave me his card and said go wild.

He knows me so well. I’m thinking about Christmas shopping when I have another free day, and I’ll pay for that with my own money, of course, but clothes shopping is a free market.

I cannot wait.

.

Dec. 12/20

Dear Jane,

I wish I could show you my haul, but I got so much stuff Happy had to drive to help me. Besides obvious gifts, I also managed to snag a gorgeous dress for the party.

Thoughts on black and gold?

I think it’s beautiful. Hopefully Nat and Sharon think so. We’re having a girls night tonight and showing off outfits, so that’s exciting.

James asked if we could meet up tonight.

I told him I had plans and he looked so downcast.

I dunno. Everything feels weird between us. Like we’re fine, we’re best friends still, but something’s changed when no one was looking. He’s single now. I guess that energy is different because I had gotten used to his energy with ex-Girlfriend.

I don’t exactly mind but it’s not ideal either. I miss summer. It’s much less complicated than winter. Winter, one has to worry about wind and chills and snows blocking roads, black ice, dry skin, freezing fingers.

Summer: there’s just a lot of sun, wind, bugs, and the vaguest notion of being bored.

Look, I love winter. It’s my favourite season. It’s quiet and gorgeous and dreamy, even though it gets dreary in New York. The snow falls slowly sometimes, Christmas is gorgeous here, and I’d rather be cold than sweating buckets, and there are no bugs to bother me. Also, it gives me a good reason to stay in the labs or in my room where it’s warm and toasty.

I just miss the relative simplicity when James and I were just strangers on the edge of being friends, which is, in retrospect, a selfish reason to like one season and hate another.

Well, some philosopher somewhere probably said something about humanity being selfish.

.

Dec. 16/20

Dear Jane,

T-minus nine days until the party.

No date in sight.

Maybe I’ll ask Anderson from HR. We had coffee together a few times and he’s nice. Good catch: smart, not too bad looking, and really nice. I’ll head down tomorrow and ask.

Alpine had purred when I told him my plan and headbutted my hand, so I guess I got the Alpine-Seal-of-Approval.

.

Dec. 17/20

Dear Jane,

Operation: Ask Anderson from HR to Tony’s Christmas Party failed. Granted, it could’ve been because that was a god awful title and that that name, in itself, prophesied catastrophic failure, but also because I was accosted by my best friend.

I wish I meant Sam.

Nope. James caught me in the elevator and we made small talk. Sounds fine, right? Then we turned the topic to the party. Talked about clothes and prospective celebrity appearances and drinks and food. Just about everything, so might as well turn to talks about dates, which meant I had to explain why I was in the elevator in the first place.

Going down to ask Anderson ended in James revealing that he didn’t have a date either.

He doesn’t know who Anderson is, which I thought would be the case, and he popped the question before the doors opened.

Notice how I said “didn't” have a date.

Guess who’s going to the party with James, clearly stated as friends, platonic soulmates, etc.?

Me.

Yippee.

.

Dec. 18/20

Dear Jane,

It’s 3:42AM and I’m in the rec room as usual. I was gonna not write here today but it normally helps me sleep to just write a bit, get what little thoughts are in my head out. Yeah.

I hear James in the kitchen talking to Alpine and it’s making me smile like an idiot.

Oh, shit, he knows I’m in here. He’s making milkshakes.

I am morally obligated by best friend duties to join him.

Goodnight, Jane.

.

Dec. 24/20

Dear Jane,

I’m not sleeping with James Buchanan Barnes tomorrow night.

This is a resolute promise. An early New Year’s resolution.

.

Dec. 25/20

Dear Jane,

Merry Christmas! 

In between jovial festivities, I’ve finally found a little nook that’s quiet enough to write in. We opened presents, had a big family breakfast, went skating and just lounged around, and frankly, I’m exhausted. Need to recharge the old social battery.

Among the assortment of gifts is one that stands out to me. James got me a gift that said “Open When Alone” and I did before I started this entry and it was a fucking necklace. Like, a gorgeous one. It’s gold and thin and it feels wonderful. There’s a little cat paw charm on it and it’s so pretty because he has a matching bracelet for himself and I have still not yet recovered.

It’s just so sweet and it reminds me why I love him.

Yes, love has made me unbelievably sappy. I just heaved the biggest sigh in history.

Unfortunately, I have to go earlier tonight. To the party, as written in previous entries. I remember my oath of one-night celibacy and I intend on keeping it, despite how fucking endearing this gift was, because he said it best: we’re just friends. I’m not about to coerce my best friend into sleeping with me out of a piteous, unrequited love. That’s just gross.

You will either see me hungover tomorrow, or very drunk later tonight. It’s all very depending on how this night turns out.

.

Dec. 26/20

Dear Jane,

Fuck.

P.S. He REALLY does not mind me calling him James. Take that as dirtily or as clandestinely as you wish.

.

Dec. 27/20

Dear Jane,

I spent the entire day in bed with very pleasurable company.

I am SO GLAD we haven’t gotten called in because James doesn’t leave unless to go to sleep in his own bed or to eat, and I do NOT want to explain to the team that James fucked my brains out for two days straight because my heart is bursting.

He’s a good kisser. His lips are soft.

Intimate knowledge of that is now burned into my memory for future reference.

God, this is a dream come true. He doesn’t even question it, he just

It’s like I’m a goddess to him. He treats me like one, at least, and it’s like he’ll do anything I ask. And we act like it’s normal, too. Midnight trips to the kitchen included.

Best Christmas ever.

.

Dec. 28/20

Dear Jane,

I feel like I’m ignoring you but I’m also having the best sex of my life. He’s just… so fucking good and it’s a holiday and holy shit my mind is blown.

Love at first meeting isn’t real.

Well, maybe this one time, it was destiny.

.

Dec. 29/20

Dear Jane,

It isn’t just the sex, you know? It’s the pillowtalk, too. He just makes me laugh so much and everything is so easy between us and it feels real. Popcorn and chips in bed, some mojitos, just each other’s presence. It’s enough like that, you know?

Some quote about how the one you love should be both your lover and your best friend is in my head but I’m too lazy to look it up. James’ head is in my lap and he’s just reading while I’m writing and everything seems perfect.

He doesn’t ask what I’m writing because he knows it’s private and I trust him.

This is perfect.

I think I really am IN love with him.

.

Jan. 1/21

You know that cliché/tradition of New Year’s kisses?

WELL THEN.

Best (and worst) New Year’s ever. I’ll explain more later. I’m too tired and too angry and also sore and bruised.

See you when I’m not hungover.

.

Jan. 5/21

Dear Jane,

I’m finally stable enough to write.

In a crazy turn of events, Barnes and I got into a fight because of what happened after New Year’s Day’s events: I caught him leaving before I woke up and at first, curious questions ensued, and it wasn’t a fight but then it became one and I don’t even know how it happened. I wasn’t even mad. He just started being weird and I got annoyed and we tried and failed to keep our voices down. Luckily, my room is pretty soundproof.

Things just got out of hand and I feel like tearing my hair out. I wanna storm up to him and just yell some more.

Tony came into my room and didn’t say shit about my hickies and the fact that James is avoiding me like the plague. He gave me a really good hug, though and then gave me a few weeks off extra. I don’t know how he knows, but then again, it’s Tony.

He just said love’s tough sometimes.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I’m thinking about just taking a long vacation and disappearing. It seems like a good route to take at this point.

.

Jan. 6/21

Dear Jane,

James is looking at me right now as I write this. I wonder if I should look back or if he’s going to come up to me. We’ll see.

I’m only writing this so it seems like I’m busy. I’m running out of things to say, honestly. Can he just go? What’s the point in staring like that? What’s the point?

I could ask myself the same question. What’s the point in loving someone who’ll never love you? Yeah, he’s sleeping with me but he pulls away every time I try to do something more. Outside the bubble of my room and the small time frame of post-11PM to around 4:45AM, he acts like he’s allergic to intimacy.

It was never like that with ex-Girlfriend.

Maybe it’s something to do with me.

I don’t know, but he keeps looking and I want to get up and leave, but I won’t. I’m not gonna let him win.

.

Jan. 6/21

He didn’t. He just went out. Sam and Steve asked if I was okay because as soon as he left, I got up for the bathroom and screamed into a towel.

I don’t think either of them knows what’s going on, but they have a notion.

.

Jan. 9/21

Dear Jane,

He apologized. Still no explanation as to why, but it feels weird.

I told him I’m going on a vacation to Switzerland. Go skiing or something and asked if he wanted to come.

It was stupid to ask, but he said yes.

Shit.

.

Jan. 14/21

Dear Jane,

Switzerland is lovely.

No work is relaxing. Awkwardness between me and the other traveller on this vacation. Weather’s supposed to be nice when we get there. Sunny snow days, pretty mountains, other Swiss things.

No other comment.

.

Jan. 21/21

Dear Jane,

I lasted all of a week.

Yep, I slept with him again, and yes, he was back in his hotel bed come sunrise.

I dunno. I’m over it. We don’t apologize and hope everything gets back to normal because neither of us want to say anything to ruin it any further and we both have a major fear of the complicated. To be fair, he said he didn’t want to sleep with me if I was completely against it.

Also, I tried calling him Bucky at dinner like ex-Girlfriend (and everyone else) does and he made the most disgusted face.

He said, and I quote, “Bucky? When did I stop being James?”

I told him I was trying something out and he said it failed. Snarky bastard.

I guess if he’s still James, that must mean I’m still special.

That’s the Tony-inherited ego talking.

But it does make me exceptionally happy to play with the idea that I’m special to him. Best friend with convoluted benefits. Sounds like the title of a very long-winded self-help book that doesn’t really help much but that does sound like the story of my life so I can’t complain too much.

We’re going home in a few days.

I’ll probably sleep with him again. Bet Steve’s shield that I do.

.

Jan. 24/21

Dear Jane,

I get three Steve’s shields because I was right every single fucking day.

He’s like a habit I can’t quite kick and don’t really want to.

We snuggled afterwards last night. His arm was around my shoulders, we were naked, I was resting my head on his chest. For a moment, it felt like something couples do and then I fell asleep and woke up alone.

Quantum physics is easier to understand than this but I think we’re being mutually exclusive right now, so it’s almost dating.

I dunno. I don’t mind it anymore. It’s better than nothing.

.

Feb. 2/21

Dear Jane,

I’m absolutely miserable.

I’m still getting laid, but that’s not related. Correlation and causation or something.

Why is New York so dreary and when can everything just stop?

I don’t know. Winter is ending and now it’s in that awful transition phase between seasons and it’s mucky and rainy and disgusting. Tony got these limited edition ice cream flavours though so I’m gonna ask James if we can make milkshakes out of them or something.

He doesn’t like the muck either. That’s not really relevant, I guess.

.

Feb. 14/21

Dear Jane,

I got flowers and chocolate from the department because I think they can sense I’ve been in a bad mood since forever. Then, there was an anonymous delivery and inside was this gorgeous chain bracelet that matches the necklace sort of. I lied and told the department it was from Pepper.

What a wretched holiday.

Yours truly.

.

Feb. 18/21

Dear Jane,

Normally, when boys get their haircut, they look ugly for a day or two after.

Not James.

He got his hair cut shorter and he looks really good. Like unbelievably good. Short hair fits him just as much as long hair does.

No other observations.

.

Feb. 25/21

Dear Jane,

It was Morgan’s birthday party today. James came in one of those brown jackets with the sheepskin wool inside and he looked so good. We mainly stayed apart to prevent any dalliance because one does not disappear from the Madame Secretary’s birthday party and the team doesn’t really know what’s happening behind the scenes except for Nat and Tony, really.

I really wanted to kiss him in front of our friends. I caught him staring a few times, and every time, the smile seemed to vanish off his face.

I’m lying in bed and it feels pretty empty.

It occurs to me that I’ve been in love for a pretty long time and I’m not even in a relationship with the guy.

Energy could’ve been devoted to so many other things and I’d hate being in love if it weren’t for the fact that it’s James.

Again, love making me sappy and all that.

.

Feb. 28/21

Dear Jane,

Jane is such a common name. Some would call it plain yet it means gift from God.

I wonder if James knew that.

.

Mar. 10/21

Dear Jane,

It’s James’ birthday. Birthday sex is a requirement and a desire. I also got him a gift which is a pair of new black Timbs. I hope he likes them. I’m excited for cake, I guess. Morgan did my makeup but I’m gonna have to wipe it off for the small little party tonight.

I think, ordinarily, I’d be in knots because it’s James’ birthday and I love him and he’s my best friend, but I just don’t know. March is fairly boring and contemplative and rainy. Work is work. Helen Cho did a presentation on her Cradle technology. Very cool.

.

Mar. 20/21

Dear Jane,

It’s raining and doesn’t feel like spring. Alpine vomited on my bed a few days ago because he’s not feeling well. James and I took him to the vet and he’s on antibiotics. Poor boy. He’s sleeping in the corner of my room right now while James is away on a mission. I think I’ll just work from my room for a bit until he’s feeling better.

Nothing much to report, which is why I didn’t write anything. The month passed by too quickly. James should be back by the end of the month. I miss him and not because of the sex. No one else who doesn’t work for me or pays me listens to me ramble on their own free will. Talking to screens just isn’t the same.

.

April 1/21

James got back really early this morning and I, by tradition, was awake. I sort of wish I wasn’t though. In true April Fool’s tradition, I made fun of him for being a day late to which he genuinely apologized. I told him to shower and get to sleep but he was in that mood where you’re so exhausted you’re wide awake.

James suggested we make really strong cocktails for each other as a celebration for an extraction mission completed successfully.

Who am I to say no to celebrating?

He really likes grapefruit juice so I made a REALLY strong Grapefruit Paloma. He made this really interesting drink that was purple and tasted like oranges and cranberries. A lot of blue curacao was in it so it was pretty bitter but it hit like a fucking truck which is probably why I didn’t understand anything he said at first.

He told me he loved me.

I think, somehow, he managed to get drunk after the Grapefruit Paloma and two more bottles of vodka. Don’t ask me how because Steve NEVER gets drunk. Maybe HYDRA-brand serum is faulty? I don’t know.

I asked if he knew what date it was. He laughed really loudly, said no, realized, stuttered apologies and then said it again.

It was the most perfect sound in the world and it was the best moment in recent history.

Or, the sickest practical joke.

Consensus not yet reached.

.

April 2/21

Dear Jane,

I asked if he remembered what happened yesterday morning.

He did not.

Sickest practical joke confirmed.

.

April 9/21

Dear Jane,

I’ve been avoiding writing because I’ve felt a whole lot of nothing. Everything is abysmal and James’ confession is all I can think about. Tony’s on my ass about slipping and he has half the mind to put me on paid leave until I get my shit together, both as the head of the department and as an agent.

Drunk words are sober thoughts, all that garbage.

I wish I could live my whole life drunk and honest. Maybe then I wouldn’t be in this situation where I’m stuck in eternal limbo with my best friend whom I’m in love with. Minus the drunk part.

Duty demands I return to this weathered journal until it’s finished so we’ll see. I might be back this month. Maybe not.

.

May 1/21

Dear Jane,

It rained a lot in April so now the flowers are blooming early. April showers bring May flowers. Guess it has some merit to it.

Limbo sucks. Its inescapable nature, its terrible facade of everything seeming fine when it really isn’t.

Of course, James still makes me smile, but nothing seems really okay when I let myself stop for a second.

I’m going out with Steve to a charity thing tomorrow. Should be a few hours worth of not thinking and free booze. Oh, and James and I made out in one of the quinjets after dinner today.

Felt weird considering we aren’t a couple, but it happened spontaneously as that is the nature of our relationship, it appears.

The cause also happens to be the cure of melancholy. Weird.

.

May 6/21

Dear Jane,

For context, it’s 5:23AM.

Went for a walk in Madison Square and then Central Park with James yesterday, although in my head it’s still today. We met up with Nat for some training at the gym. Got a bit mobbed by fans and the paps who asked if we were dating like we’re the tabloid’s biggest scoop.

We weren’t even holding hands, but I guess it’s just another reason why we shouldn’t be TOGETHER together in public.

We had another deep stuff talk again in bed after the usual business. I wanted to ask what this is between us and if he’s pursuing other options, because I’m not and I wanted to know if I should, but I also didn’t want to ruin the vibe.

He was in a good mood today, and seeing as sometimes he has nightmares, I thought it was best I don’t ruin it. He thinks I don’t notice but how do I not notice? He’s my best friend.

I kissed his cheek when he got up to leave and he kissed me goodbye on the lips.

I guess that means something.

.

May 17/21

Dear Jane,

In a moment of complete boredom, I listened to Imagine Dragons’ new album. It wasn’t too bad, to be honest, but Sharon thought it could’ve been better. Whatever.

.

May 22/21

Dear Jane,

Ran into ex-Girlfriend today. She still has that whole sunshine thing going on still. We had coffee and she asked if I got together with James yet.

I choked on my coffee and nearly died on the spot.

That’s how I learned that James apparently broke it off softly and ex-Girlfriend had, very wisely and knowingly, said that he should chase the apple of his eye before I (the apple) rotted alone and forgotten at the trunk of the tree. Or, as any sane person would say (and ex-Girlfriend DID say), get picked from the tree by another hand.

She said it was quite obvious that I was in love with James even months ago. She also thanked me for being so nice, anyway, and that it must’ve been difficult. What a fucking SAINT.

I set her up with a date with Steve because they have the same energy, honestly, and that’s going down on the 26th barring any emergencies.

Call me Cupid, but I think I just constructed the perfect match made in heaven.

Mentioned this meeting to James minus the apple detail. He asked if she was doing okay, which she was, and seemed glad for that. Between kisses and his sneaking hand beneath the covers, he also asked if there was anything else. Not really much to say on that front.

.

June 3/21

Dear Jane,

It’s starting to dry up consistently, now. It’s getting warmer, too. Sam brought me flowers and told me to at least turn the air-con on if I was gonna be stuck in the lab all day. Oh, the simplicities of summer are hopefully returning. Got out early and hung out with Morgan at the park in the evening.

It’s nice to hang out with someone so blissfully unaware with the stupidity of love. All Morgan cares about is grass and buttercups she grabs from the ground. She doesn’t have to worry about how to tell the guy she’s in love with that she loves him.

Oh, didn’t you hear? Nat said I should just buck the fuck up and tell him.

And Nat is scary when not listened to.

Much to brainstorm about.

.

June 14/21

Dear Jane,

Just here to brainstorm some ideas for future Stark Industries projects and thought I’d preface it with a small diary entry. Nothing really happened. Work’s catching up for some reason and bad guys are acting up. I’ve pulled a few all nighters, not gonna lie.

Really tired, but in a good, productive way. Haven’t thought much on the James front. Gonna have to focus on that after everything calms down.

.

June 20/21

Dear Jane,

It’s officially summer and yet today was awful with only subtle hints of being okay.

So much for simplicity.

In the evening, I read on the hammock on the balcony. No one really bothered me except James, but he’s never a bother.

Steve and ex-Girlfriend (who will now be reidentified as Girlfriend) are pretty cute, and she meshes well with the group. There’s nothing really awkward between her, James, or me, so I guess two people’s summers are going well. Bully for them.

Didn’t really eat. Was too busy working. James got me dinner. Didn’t feel right and just kept working. This whole agreement between us has been very flexible but we really need to fit in a session soon.

I’ll make it work somehow.

.

June 22/21

Dear Jane,

I got my wish and didn’t at the same time. We spent the whole day in the sheets (very blissfully relaxing) and I, stupidly and with very little sleep, let it slip.

In less elegant terms, I told him I loved him. It felt very real and genuine and very-out-of-a-movie, but his reaction was less so.

What did I say? Allergic to intimacy.

He tried to play it off as best friends and even that was uncomfortable, but I, very seriously and very foolishly, corrected him that “no, James Buchanan Barnes, I am IN LOVE with you.”

He left a few minutes ago, saying something about heading down to the gym, but I know he’s just trying to avoid me.

God, how am I so stupid?

.

June 25/21

Dear Jane,

I haven’t seen James in a few days. I thought he was avoiding me but turns out he’s out of the country. Something about protection for whatever dignitary is travelling at the end of the month. I don’t know.

I wasn’t assigned to that op so the details weren’t shared liberally. Sam just said it’d be a while during the ambassador’s entire stay. High threat level which is why the Avengers were contracted.

I just hope he stays safe. I know he probably took off to take his mind off things, but I don’t know how he’s focusing when all I can think of is those three little words.

I love you.

Seems so fake the more I hear it in my head, but his reaction was so real that I think I might’ve just irreversibly messed things up.

.

July 12/21

Dear Jane,

It’s been a hectic couple of weeks. If future me finds this with blotted words, it’s because I am indeed crying while writing this.

James was medically evac’ed last night and transferred back to New York. Helen Cho was flown in from her medical conference in Minnesota where she was showcasing the newest version of the Cradle.

There was an assasination attempt and James is fucked up bad.

Holy shit, I’m so scared. I’ve never been so scared in my life. It’s like an invisible demon has my heart in his claw-like hands and he’s squeezing with all his might. I think my heart might explode.

I just want to hold his hand but he’s so high risk no one’s allowed to see him right now.

The waiting room is too quiet. Steve’s holding on to Girlfriend’s hand so hard I think her bones are broken but she’s taking it like a champ. Nat’s pacing, slowly patting a sleeping Morgan who she’s carrying. Sam and Tony are talking about stuff.

It’s too quiet.

I’m so scared.

.

July 13/21

They got him into the Cradle. Thank God. I think I might cry some more out of relief, but he was conscious for a few minutes earlier and he’s stable now.

It’s really late at night but they extended privileges to me to stay with him so I’m just sitting here, writing. Listening to the Cradle do its thing and the monitors do theirs.

When he was conscious, I was with him. He said some stuff under his breath but the one thing I could make out was “I’m an idiot.”

Granted, he’s right. It was supposed to be Steve or Tony on that mission. You know, people with more defense op experience, but he had to go out and volunteer himself.

I feel sort of guilty.

It’s partially my fault, isn’t it?

I think I’ll try to tuck in for tonight. I wanna be awake when he wakes up, too.

.

July 14/21

Dear Jane,

James woke up today. He’s still in the Cradle (lots of internal damage spread throughout the body) but he’s conscious. He saw me and immediately tried to sit up which was sweet, but when he couldn’t, he just told me to come closer and then told me that he loved me.

I called him an idiot for running away. I told him he really scared me. I told him that I loved him so fucking much. I told him that I feel so guilty and he just held my face and said that it will never be my fault.

He’s so fucking romantic, even when he’s lying down with a wound being stitched closed live in front of my eyes.

Oh, and he kissed me. I don’t think I noticed how much I actually missed him until that moment.

I don’t know how to describe the feeling in my chest. It’s a mixture between super happy and super scared and super, super warm inside. Summer might be looking up.

.

July 18/21

Dear Jane,

We got home today. James is staying in my room. The team doesn’t say anything about it. We’re best friends, after all, but I think they’ve known for a long time that there’s something more. Some of them are just too polite to say so.

I won’t have much time to write over the next couple of days. James has to be kept on a strict, extremely healthy diet and medicine regime.

I don’t care. I’m just glad he’s home.

He’s kissing me a lot more, now. Alpine likes the fact that his two humans are now in the same room. He purrs so loudly, I can hear him from where he’s dozing, curled up underneath James’ chin. He (James) is resting after his second round of antibiotics for the day while I work from my room, and sometimes I catch myself looking back just to make sure he’s okay.

I’m going to go kiss him now.

Be right back.

.

July 21/21

Dear Jane,

It’s almost Nat’s birthday (the 26th). Super exciting. James is back on solids and I’m helping him around with walking. Even with the Cradle and the healing factor, he’s still super banged up, so it’s better safe than sorry.

We had a really long talk about love and stuff. It’s good to finally have it out in the open. It was mostly me talking about my side of things and he just nodded a lot. I know he was listening though.

We also kissed a lot, like seventeen year old couples who are heavy on the PDA, but within the privacy of my room. I dunno. I like the heat of his arms and the way he kisses the shell of my ear when he’s bored or it’s a commercial break.

It feels very natural.

I am very much in love with him.

I tell him that and he always looks skeptical, but whatever. He doesn’t have to say it back (I tell him that there’s no pressure) and he’ll get it through his thick skull eventually that he’s now stuck with me.

.

July 25/21

Dear Jane,

We made cookies in the early AM as tradition for the party tomorrow and I told him that I love him (again, but this time he didn’t run, nor has he the past few times. Fantastic).

While the cookies were baking, he explained everything on his side of the story: how he was scared to be vulnerable, how opening up to me is just different and new and scary and I get it. I really do. I know how it feels to think you don’t deserve good things and sabotage feels like the only way to save everyone from hurt.

He smiled a lot more after that. I guess he’s just glad I get it.

One day, I’ll successfully convince James that he deserves everything good this world has to offer.

Until then, I’ll just keep trying.

P.S. He said, with less hesitation than the first time, that he loves me, too. Best. Day. Ever.

P.P.S. The cookies are so good and I want to devour them all. I could barely stop James from eating all of them. Again: Best. Day. Ever.

.

July 26/21

Dear Jane,

In summary of today:

Happy birthday, Natasha.

James has been given the clear bill of health which is exciting. Also, I asked him about the Jane and gift of God thing.

He knew. “Intuition” and all that. He also said I looked “like a royal dame” in my swimsuit. Smug idiot just trying to be charming.

I love him and that’s the only reason it works.

Back to the festivities.

.

July 27/21

Dear Jane,

Good morning to you and to James who’s still in my bed at a ripe 6:23AM, fast asleep.

Progress. Now, back to sleep.

.

July 27/21

Dear Jane,

It’s now 9:49AM and James greeted me with orange juice and waffles. He said I was cute when I slept. Creep.

He also said he tried so many times to stay in my bed after, before we were like we are now, but he never could, and now he’s upset that he missed out on my cute sleeping/waking up for the day face every time he did so.

He is exceptionally cute when he’s pouting.

I think we’re officially boyfriend-girlfriend, but we’ll work out the semantics on that later. For now, it’s another summer day together. He suggested Chinese takeout for dinner because I have to go dip back into the lab later today to check on some samples.

I agreed and he kissed me in promise like it was our “thing.” I can’t stop smiling like an idiot.

Massive progress.

.

July 28/21

Dear Jane,

He told me I was the only one for him.

Also, he kissed me in front of our friends for the first time. Natasha yelled “FINALLY” and pushed us into the pool. Sam laughed and then I grabbed him and threw him into the pool. Ensuing: a water fight for the ages.

For a day: 10/10

.

July 31/21

Hey Jane,

I think I’m happy.

I’m sorry I ever doubted the effects of writing down my feelings.

James has a romantic trip to uptown planned for our first date and he said it’ll take the whole day so I thought I’d get this entry in the morning. I dunno. It’s really early and the happy thought was the first thing that came to my head.

Weird, but it’s a good weird.

See you in a bit.

[song-fox]

A/N: Can't believe I forgot to post this one smh...

This was a little more of an experimental one! I was first gonna do the dialogue first to see if it helped the flow of writing, but I rlly liked how it turned out without narration, so... take this.

*

Hy-drate Or Die-Drate– Analogical

*

"Logan? What are you doing?"

"Work...? Why?"

"It's 2am, why are you still even awake?"

"It is? Oh, my apologies, I hadn't noticed."

"Dude, it's not me you should be apologizing to. Go to bed."

"Virgil, I appreciate the concern, but I assure you, I'm fine. You should go to bed yourself."

"Dude."

"What?"

"It's literally 2 o'clock in the morning. Aren't you the one saying that you should go to sleep at like... 10pm at the latest?"

"Yes, however-"

"'However' my ass. As your boyfriend, I suggest you go to bed before I drag you off your butt and put you there myself."

"Virgil, I'm perfectly fine, you don't need to worry."

"...seriously? The boyfriend card didn't work? Gagh, it always works when Patton does it on Roman- okay, as Anxiety, I'm making you go to bed."

"What do you- Virgil! What are you doing? Put me down-!"

"Sorry Specs, this is how it works."

"What are you-?"

"Go. To. Sleep."

"Hmph. Well, sorry for the inconvenience, but I'm going to-"

"Get back here and cuddle me, asshat."

"...are you trying to tempt me into healthier sleeping habits?"

"Is it working?"

"..."

"That's what I thought."

*

"...Virgil?"

"*UNHOLY SCREECHING–*"

"AGH! Virgil, what are you-"

"'Virgil, what are you doing awake at this hour?' Yes, yes, I get it, but why are you awake?"

"I was awoken by the sound of footsteps, why are you-?"

"...uh, I..."

"Hm?"

"..."

"...ah. I understand. But you should go to bed. Remember what you told me last week?"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it, circadian rhythm, blah blah blah, I'll go to bed."

"Good."

"..."

"...would you like to sleep in my room?"

"...maybe. Why are you patting the door like that?"

"Come here, kitty kitty kitty. Pspspspspsps–"

"Oh dear god, why am I in love with you–"

*

"Two jars of Crofters, four mugs of black coffee, six hours staring at your laptop screen... 'healthier habits', huh?"

"Virgil! Oh, uh, I wasn't aware you were watching."

"Dude, I've been standing here for the past twenty minutes. Are you alright?"

"I believe it would be futile to lie, so I might as well tell you that– ...what is the purpose of this?"

"It's called a water bottle, genius. Hy-drate or die-drate."

"Interesting phrasing."

"Just drink it, you haven't had a drop of water since last night. When Princey threw tap water at you and you accidentally swallowed some."

"...okay, I see your point."

"Awesome. Now come with me, get some air outside."

"But it's 7pm...?"

"Never stopped me before."

"Alright, I suppose I'll accompany you outside. But no longer than ten minutes, I have to get back to work soon."

"Dude."

"Okay, fine. Half an hour, fourty five minutes at the most."

"Done. Pleasure doing business with you."

*

"Virgil."

"Hm?"

"What are you doing?"

"Reading one of your Agathe Christie books, like you suggested. This one's actually pretty good. Why?"

"Virgil."

"Yeah?"

"I'm fully aware that you know what I'm talking about."

"Nope. But do enlighten me."

"You're sitting on my desk."

"Your point?"

"You're sitting on my belongings."

"And? It's not like I eat enough to break any of them."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Ugh, what are you trying to do, anyway?"

"...it's not a subtle ploy to get you to stop working, if you're asking."

"...and you had to sit on my desk because...?"

"Well, I was gonna just steal your laptop, but that would have taken too much work."

"You were going to-?"

"Unimportant, you need to relax. The others have something set up in the commons, they wanted us to join them."

"Ah."

"The hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, I just... I suppose I didn't–"

"Didn't want you there? Trust me, L, I know the feeling."

"I thought they'd assume that I'm working, like usual."

"And you were."

"Yes, however–"

"Just– come on. They're waiting for us."

*

"HELLO VIRGIL ANXIETY SANDERS, HAVE YOU BEEN EATING THE PROPER AMOUNT OF FOOD REQUIRED FOR THE DAY SO FAR?"

"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST–"

"Oh– my apologies, I didn't intend for that to happen."

"Agh... it's fine, whatever. Help me up?"

"Of course."

"GAGH– uh, thanks. Now why the fuck were you yelling?"

"Roman suggested that the best way to get your attention was to catch you by surprise."

"...and you–"

"In hindsight, yes, it was a bad idea."

"...right."

"Actually, you never responded."

"To what?"

"My question."

"Yeah, probably because you barged into my room and made me fall off my chair."

"Okay, so an answer?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...viRGIL SANDERS GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW– NO DO NOT CLIMB OUT THE WINDOW OH MY GOD–"

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE-!"

*

...well that was dumb.

[kotsuvi]

WHAT THE HQ BOYS ARE LIKE DURING THANKSGIVING/FRIENDSGIVING

a/n: okay this is kinda a take on canadian/american thanksgiving—yanno with all the pumpkin pie and the turkeys and the fall colours? i just thought it would be kind of cute.

warnings: swearing, underage drinking for some

KARASUNO

daichi: told-no, COMMANDED asahi and suga to wear fall colours. like seriously wore the brown khakis with the orange sweater and little socks with turkeys on them. it’s at his house, so he insisted that suga and asahi arrive early and sit at the table together, just to make the other guests feel bad about not being dressed up. yells at the guests to stop touching his family’s ornaments and paintings. gets kita to help babysit.

suga: was actually going to dress up anyway, so he took it as the perfect chance to wear his turkey knit sweater. it has tiny little turkeys all over it like it’s so fuckin cute. lowwwwkeyyyy makes daichi blush when he sees him but like we’re not gonna talk about it. brings a delicious fruit salad that’s eaten almost singlehandedly by lev and hinata.

asahi: panics because he doesn’t have a lot of nice things to wear. like FREAKS OUT in front of his closet, close to tears. legit settles on a tan shirt, brown pants and black boots with a slight heel. definitely gets teased by tendou about keeping the beard. “keeping it intact,” he replies. brings cabbage rolls. also brings brownies, and has to fight the urge to eat them all on the way over.

nishinoya: arrives slightly late, but worth the wait. busts through the door screaming about how hungry he is. doesn’t take of his shoes in the house so he trails mud EVERYWHERE. also sneaks in a couple bottles of cider. he’s been thinking about this feast for days, and he just can’t wait. talks with his mouth full of food. probably spits mashed potatos on akaashi at some point. gets drunk off of his secret cider and asks iwa if he likes being second best to oikawa.

tanaka: arrives shortly after noya, despite saeko speeding to get there. you can literally hear him talking from ten houses away. argues with bokuto over stupid things; ends up nearly starting a food fight. eats with his fingers, literally no utensils, and doesn’t use a napkin. secretly grossing everyone out. thinks that he can win a turkey eating contest, but daichi shuts him down before he can get started. is DEDICATED to the kareoke. even sings a song for kiyoko.

hinata: so incredibly excited to eat. this kid could not SLEEP he was so excited. gets cursed with sitting next to ushiwaka and tendou, who bully him about his hair being thanksgiving colours year-round. budges everyone in line for the food. of course daichi then makes him go last. yells at kageyama for getting the best part of the turkey: the skin. atsumu tells him that ginger beer is a new type of “delicious juice” and he drinks it all, nearly throwing up afterwards. lowkey got flustered when tanaka was singing britney spears.

kageyama: tells everyone that he doesn’t want to go, but is actually extremely excited as well. for some reason he snoops through daichi’s house while everyone is eating? he just wants to take a look around, and then suddenly he’s in daichi’s parents’ bathroom, inspecting shampoo labels. literally doesn’t eat sitting still either. he just stands behind his chair? oikawa starts a rumour that he can’t sit because he has hemorrhoids, and kags responds by throwing his drink in oiks’ face. that really starts a riot. really he just wants to be standing so he can run to the kitchen and get more food in an emergency.

tsukishima: brings his headphones just in case he’s stuck next to bokuto or someone really loud and obnoxious. of course he is. bokuto AND tanaka. everyone tries to coax him into kareoke after the meal, and he declines, but really wants to prove to kuroo that he is the most angelic singer there. “accidentally” tips his drink into bokuto’s lap, but the guy is so busy yelling at tanaka that he doesn’t even notice, so tsukki tips another. goes on his phone at the table. tells tadashi to get all his meals for him because he doesn’t want to stand in line.

tadashi: goes through one (1) mental breakdown when he’s seated beside aone instead of tsukki. pours WAAAAAAY too much gravy on his meal because he’s just so nervous. like literally SWAMPS his turkey and vegetables. his mom forced him to bring a green bean casserole. he doesn’t even like casserole. sits across from oikawa and this mans won’t stop asking for photos of him and iwa, so tadashi is tasked with that for the night. offers to help daichi with the dishes afterwards. gets awarded with an extra slice of pumpkin pie.

saeko: handed her cider to noya beforehand because she just knew that daichi would check her at the door. she gets drunk halfway through anyway. challenges iwa to an arm wrestling competition. winner gets the losers pumpkin pie with EXTRA whipped cream. the sexual tension skyrockets. she wins but accidentally shoves iwa’s fist into akaashi’s cranberry sauce. gets scolded by daichi MULTIPLE times. too drunk to care.

kiyoko: also came over early. made butternut squash that is to die for. helps set up even though she knows that it’s just going to become a mess. keeps track of the points for kareoke. may or may not have given tanaka extra points for singing “i’m a slave 4 u” by britney spears.

yachi: of COURSE this girl has to sit between aone and ushiwaka. of course it works like that. and chicky is terrified. spills her drink on the nice tablecloth and pleads for kiyoko and daichi to spare her life. thinks that the kareoke is too loud. nearly craps her pants when bokuto jumps up on the table. brings glazed donuts for dessert.

coach ukai: daichi invited him just to be polite but then he??? ended up??? coming??? literally shocked everyone into the sixth dimension. says he isnt going to stay for long, but mans is there the WHOLE night. busts out with some MR. WORLDWIDE;)))!!

AOBAJOHSAI

oikawa: his one mission was to be best dressed, and judging by the appalled look on daichi’s face when he first entered, he succeeded. this mans wont shut up either, and even tho everyone yells at him, they’re actually invested in his stories. he tells a whole bunch from middle school and his earliest volleyball memories, and everyone??? likes it??? they’re intrigued the whole time. goshiki and lev listen extra hard. mans wants pictures as well. he needs to show his fans that he does actually have friends. of course he gets the photos before kags dumps the drink on his head, and then he goes feral. teases iwa about the second best comment, but apologizes to him after, assuring that iwa is an amazing ace.

iwa: only went there for oiks. the mans had plans with his family, but he knew that it meant a lot to oikawa, so he showed up. literally goes into a FIT of rage when he loses the armwrestling match, then further infuriated with noya’s comment. chases the kid around the table. nearly knocks out his teeth by tripping into a cabinet. leaves early after throwing a temper tantrum, then receives a formal apology from both oikawa and daichi later on.

matsukawa: i just know this mans smokes at family functions, so what’s stopping him from getting high at friendsgiving? of course he only smokes a lil, just enough to get a good buzz, because he wants to still be respectful. offers to refill drinks when he gets his own. helps pack up the leftovers. tries desperately to catch iwa as he chases noya around, but doesn’t succeed. he can’t really feel his fingers or his face, so he doesn’t smile or laugh like... the whole night.

hanamaki: maybe sneaks out to join mattsun. maybe. no, definitely. and he’s not used to it, so you BET this man is trippin. he tries his best to hide it, but of course suga can tell. he confuses cranberry sauce with champagne, so he literally drinks the damn sauce from a wine glass the whole night. oikawa certainly has pictures for the next morning to prove it too. 

kyoutani: doesnt get invited to a ton of things, but he decided to go to this. brings a pumpkin, which is nice, but daichi is like wtf am i meant to do with this??? but it’s a nice gesture. tries to engage in the conversation between the twins, but only gets frustrated when he can’t hear. threatens to flip the table once. cant find the bathroom and ends up taking a piss in the yard.

NEKOMA

kuroo: the one with the kareoke machine. absolutely did not tell daichi he was bringing it, but then pulls it inside. “get a load of this bad boy!!!” “kuroo what the hell is this???” i just know that everyone wants to sit beside this man at the table. he’s cracking jokes and people are straining to hear. it’s a match between him and oiks: who’s telling the better story? also won’t leave. like it’s 2am and he’s still there, swaying alongside bokuto and coach, singing early 2000’s nelly furtado.

kenma: KUROO AND HINATA CONVINCED HIM TO DYE THE TIPS OF HIS HAIR ORANGE. he HATES it. buttttt he’s keeping it even though people tell him he’s a hinata wannabe. “but why would i want to be like shoyo?” “hey kenma that’s not very nice!!” definitely plays games at the table. doesn’t even try to hide it. gets gravy on his switch and uses lev’s shirt as a napkin.

lev: this man has enough food on his plate to feed a small village. like deadass, he doesn’t slow his eating for a BREATH. he didn’t eat the whole day just so he could be extra hungry. like 3/4 of the spread is on his plate. also like cant fit his legs under the table, so he has to eat with his chair super far away. of course this man is going to be dropping food on the floor. literally has a hole in his chin because the gravy keeps dripping out whenever he speaks.

yaku: brings champagne because it’s “an exciting night”. lowkey freaks people out with how quickly he can down a bottle. has a small amount of chicken and turkey, LARGE amount of potatos, but then as many slices of pie as he can. like legit the pieces stack up on his plate. he scolds lev for making a mess, but literally litters crumbs all over the table.

FUKURODANI

bokuto: thinks that lev and him are participating in an eating contest, even tho lev has no idea what’s going on. of course this man brought his own liquor. he knows it’s time to party. legit as soon as he’s finished eating he’s busting open the bottle. towards the end of the night he’s actually dancing on the table, narrowly missing the forks and knives. daichi, suga and kita try their very best to control him, but he’s in his element. legit was throwing it back to kuroo singing “uptown girl”.

akaashi: also brought champagne but drinks it in a fancy glass. legit with the pinky up like royalty. comes in the cutest little fall knit sweater. does NOT participate in kareoke but hums along to the songs he knows. quietly makes bets with kenma on who is going to win, and he gets a couple of victories off of goshiki. also offers to do the dishes, but unlike tadashi, he doesn’t get another slice of pie because yaku ate it all. also brings daichi a card signed by him and bokuto. he’s very thankful. (sweet bb)

SHIRITORIZAWA

ushiwaka: there is no way this man isn’t excited. tbh he didn’t even think he’d get invited, and he actually ALMOST smiled when daichi offered. mans shows up in a turtleneck. TURTLENECK. legit wearing a rolex. why does he have drip? he’s got drip. for a big dude he doesn’t eat very much. threatens atsumu with his life if he ever DARES to shake salt in his champagne again. cracks a plate from gripping it too hard while waiting in line for the dessert. he’s excited, okay?

tendou: wears something weird. like a headbands with a candelabra on it or a giant turkey broach. brings a whole jug of orange juice for himself, and you bet that he finishes it within the first fifteen minutes. honestly, he probably dips his cabbage roll into the drink. also starts a conga line around the table while goshiki is singing. semi dares him to taste some of daichi’s dish soap, and of course he does it.

goshiki: NEVER HAS ANYONE EVER SEEN THIS MAN SO EXCITED. practically bouncing off the walls. eats way too fast. slips in the kitchen trying to get to the sink because he started choking on a green bean. becomes mesmerized by saeko and insists that he’s going to become the world’s best kareoke singer. picks every song about love. okay sam smith. tries to get suna to participate but receives a look that could kill. gets scared after that, but it motivates him to sing even better.

semi: practically skips the meal and goes straight for dessert. gets a harsh scolding from daichi but he doesn’t care. “accidentally” brings up the fact that ushiwaka cuts his food weirdly because he’s left handed. the whole table goes silent. semi passes away.

INARIZAKI

atsumu: literally just went to cause trouble. was he even invited? nobody knows. osamu was, but him? well. gets drunk within the first hour. tricks hinata into trying a bunch of kita’s disgusting ginger beers. constantly kicks samu under the table. throws a shoe across the room when daichi doesn’t let him have another drink. he’s loud. VERY loud. swears far too much and violently compliments daichi on the food. “this food is so fuckin good like hella delicious, i fuckin love thanksgiving! this is the shit!!”, “atsumu your brother made all the food”, “what”

osamu: just there for the food. literally made 3/4 of the dishes, including the turkey. makes fun of daichi for being the host and literally not making any of the food. “that’s embarrassing”, but really he offered to do it waaaaay before. constantly tells atsumu he has food in his teeth. over-salts suna’s turkey just because he feels like it. he’s the dude that encourages makki to drink the cranberry sauce. offers to help vacuum the floor clean of noya’s mess, but daichi is SO done with atsumu that samu just leaves early, dragging his brother with him.

suna: catches tendou drinking the dish soap. he’s not surprised. doesn’t say anything, just nods and walks away. legit doesn’t say anything to anyone tho. like mans shows up, eats and dips. has a one two conversation with ukai about court shoes, and then he’s gone. texts daichi later and thanks him, which is extremely shocking but daichi thinks it’s really nice.

kita: hates gatherings. i know this man just despises the loud and rowdy behaviour. puts mad dog in a headlock when the dude tries to fight kageyama over the turkey skin. eats and leaves zero mess. dabs at the corners of his mouth with napkin. washes his hands before and after everything. i just KNOW he’s polite too, but really gives it to semi when he mentions ushiwaka’s left handed eating. other:

OTHERS

aone: dresses cute. gets complimented by hinata and cant stop thinking about it for the rest of the night. like lev, he eats enough to feed a small town but makes sure everyone else goes before him at dessert time. tells yachi that he loves the donuts.

terushima: definitely wasn’t invited but heard through the grapevine. shows up with one plate of cookies and a violent growling stomach. immediately takes to the kareoke, even before dinner is over. randomly bursts into song halfway through his second plate of green bean casserole. thinks that singing louder = singing better.

sakusa: clearly doesn’t want to be there. brings his own food and his own drink, but doesn’t hesitate to down a bottle of noya’s cider. complains about how close hinata is sitting is sitting to him, and then pulls out a ruler for emphasis. “whoa! where did that come from??” “get away from me.”

[matchasprouts]

Listen Closer - Chapter 5

[ can't stop won't stop. when will Lawrence not get cockblocked by Nar <///3 ]

First || Next || Previous || Last

Luckily for all of them, Garrett did finish that furnace before the day was over. He managed to check the trigger on the fire right before passing out face down on his bed. He told them they’d just move it to the house in the morning.

It wasn’t morning when they moved it, but it got moved out of his room at the very least before he was running out to get to his real job. He was definitely going to be late, but at least he wouldn’t have to deal with that giant machine in his living space anymore. Mark and Amanda could figure out how to get it to the house themselves.

“You’re late,” one of his coworkers teased as he clocked in and he just rolled his eyes. “And you look like shit. How do you live like this?” they continued, receiving a short glare from Garrett.

He didn’t necessarily hate his coworkers, but he wasn’t friends with them either. “Easily,” he replied shortly, leaving no more room for conversation as he clipped his nametag on his shirt and got to work.

Normally he wasn’t so short with them, but he was tired and wanted to get on with the day so he could help with the final preparations for the game.

The day went by quickly, especially because Nar remembered he had his phone number and would occasionally send him pictures of Amanda working, or a joking picture of Hoffman’s ass. He even received a picture of Lawrence ranting about something, probably a bad hospital show. Stuff like that always got him through the day.

“Is that your new boyfriend?” The coworker from earlier, Nadia, asked when they got a glimpse of one of the Hoffman ass pics. They backed off at the look Garrett gave them.

“No.” That was where he left it, putting his phone in his pocket and getting back to work. He was very lucky that Nadia didn’t get the chance to see him turn bright red at the mere idea of Hoffman being his boyfriend.

It was around 5pm when Garrett finally got off, practically running out of the bookstore and heading directly for his car. He was kind of aware of Nadia trying to talk to him as he sped out of the door, but didn’t care enough to stay put.

He was partly rushing so much because he needed to help finish the trap, but mostly because right before his shift ended, he’d gotten a text from Nar:

‘help gordon is trying to walk and idk what to do, he’s just hobbling around with his lil prosthetic help-’

He TOLD Gordon to wait until he could help him, and now he was speeding toward the base, two miles away from being pulled over for how fast he was driving. Plus there was the fact that the other two apprentices weren’t supposed to know about him, according to John, and the picture attached to the text showed him one of the main work rooms.

Fucking idiot, Gordon was supposed to be smart and here he was, being the dumbest bitch in the Jigsaw house, stepping way too close to getting killed.

---

… Apparently the other apprentices weren’t home.

Amanda was already at the Nerve Gas House to help with finishing touches, and Hoffman was at the precinct to “help” with the newest Jigsaw case, meaning Gordon was not in danger of being killed.

Garrett still scolded him.

“I can’t believe you!” He hissed as Gordon leaned into his side, trapped by the arm across his back and the hand placed on his midriff. “I told you! I told you not to try to move around without my help! You know Nar can’t support your weight!!”

Gordon just chuckled at him, the gravelly sound just pissing him off more rather than flustering him like usual.

“Lawrence!! This isn’t a joke!!! I’m genuinely worried about your dumb ass!!!!” Garrett continued, his voice slightly more high pitched in annoyance. Gordon just laughed at him again, making him huff as he practically dragged the doctor back to his room.

It was when he was finally sat down that Gordon said something. “I know you’re worried, but I wasn’t going to call you out of work just so I can walk around.”

“Wh- That’s what I expected you to do!!” Garrett countered, almost offended at the idea that Gordon thought his job was more important than him. “You literally can’t walk without help, and you’ve been bedridden for months! You don’t even have a cane yet!”

Gordon was just watching him at this point as he continued to list off reasons he should have been called, a small smile on his face at how animated Garrett got when he was passionate about something.

“... Why are you staring at me like that?” Garrett asked once he noticed Gordon’s gaze, his hands frozen midair in one of his wild gestures.

“You called me Lawrence.” Garrett’s eyes widened, he hadn’t even noticed. “And I like listening to your voice. I know you’re busy, but I wish you would visit more often, even if it was just to talk.”

Bro stop you’re scaring the hoes with attachment issues who are afraid of relationships (Garrett).

“Wh- I don’t-” Garrett’s stammering was cut off by Gordon’s lip suddenly connecting with his, and he mentally cursed himself for almost immediately melting into it.

The kiss didn’t last long because Gordon had stood up to reach Garrett, and he pulled back to sit back down on the bed, but that didn’t last long either.

As if he’d been waiting for it his whole life, Garrett practically lunged at the doctor, pulling him into another, slightly more desperate kiss. His hands were gripping Gordon’s shirt hard enough that it would definitely be forever wrinkled like that, and he was pretty much in the other man’s lap.

He was worried he was coming off too strong for all of two seconds, the concern dissipating when Gordon’s hands found his hips, holding him there in a tight grip.

Garrett had just begun to thread his fingers through Gordon’s hair- two seconds away from pulling at it- when there was a knock on the door.

Both of them jumped, Garrett shooting back like he’d been shocked. “I forgot we weren’t alone,” he whispered to Gordon, gaining a soft laugh from the doctor. Both of them took a moment to put themselves back together (when had Gordon started unbuttoning Garrett’s shirt?) before answering the door.

Nar glanced between the two of them, seemingly surprised that they looked like they had when they went in- luckily, the room was dark enough to conceal their flushed faces and Garrett’s very red lips.

“You done yelling at him?” he asked Garrett, who nodded in reply. “Good. John wants you at the Nerve Gas House, he wants you to set up the razor box.” Right. Garrett had forgotten about that.

He took one last glance at Gordon before sighing. “I’m so sick of that box,” he muttered, though he accepted his fate and headed out in far less of a frenzy than before. To be completely honest, he didn’t want to leave. He wanted to finish what he started with Gordon. But… the others needed his help, and he needed to give it.

That didn’t mean he didn’t spend the whole drive there thinking about the feeling of Gordon’s lips on his, and what else he could do to the good doctor the next time they were alone.

---

“Does that look good?” Garrett asked Hoffman once the razor box was attached to the ceiling, taking a few steps back to stand next to the detective.

He’d been having trouble with getting the box to hang evenly, which was a struggle he was no stranger to, so he’d brought Hoffman in to take a look at it.

The detective tilted his head slightly to the side as he inspected it, before letting out a soft hum. “You finally got it,” he confirmed, straightening back up. He didn’t flinch when Garrett let out a triumphant whoop, which was proof that one could get used to him quickly.

“You’re a godsend,” Garrett told him, slapping him on the shoulder before leaving the room, running down the hall to tell John and Amanda the good news. He could hear Hoffman following him, but absolutely did not slow down.

He skidded into the main room where John and Amanda were going over the plan for the thousandth time, almost tripping over his own foot and sending himself crashing into the ground. His only saving grace was Hoffman grabbing him by the shirt and pulling him back onto his feet.

John and Amanda stared at him like he was crazy for all of two seconds, before completely ignoring the fact that he almost just curbstomped himself into the floor. “I finally got the razor box straight,” Garrett spoke up, also acting as if he did not almost just die. “All my traps are good to go. Now, I desperately need sleep, so I’m gonna go home and take a two hour nap.”

He wasn’t. He was going to go back to his apartment and frantically draw up plans until he passed out from sleep deprivation at 2am. That was his permanent Jigsaw trap, one he could never escape from.

Wow. That was the most emo thought he’d had since middle school.

“Anyway. Good-bye.” With that, he turned on his heel and walked out of the house, but not after patting Hoffman- who had still been awkwardly standing behind him- on the chest, slipping a piece of paper into the front pocket of his shirt.

What was on it, you ask? A gay little doodle of Hoffman setting up the door gun. Why did he give it to him? He doesn’t know how to flirt. This is the best he’s got.

He went straight ‘home’ after that, a little annoyed he couldn’t go back to the base but also knowing that his neighbours were weirdly nosy and would “get concerned” if he didn’t show up to his apartment regularly.

Plus, his couch there was a really comfortable bed.

[jbbuckybarnes]

I wanted to

Pairing: Bucky x Reader (5k words) Description: You’ve been gone for 5 years, living in the forest for now. He just witnessed his friend stay back in time and come back as an old man. Maybe you could help each other and fall in love along the way. Warnings: Nightmares, crying, PTSD, awkwardness, canon typical violence, slight angst, fluff, not proofread A/N: I wrote this in my notes a few months back and it is a little openended, but after I figured out that it’s 5k words long, I had to post it. I hope y’all like it anyway, even with how awkward it’s written.

M A S T E R L I S T

You reappeared, the last thing you remembered was turning to dust, alone on a walk. Then the news got to you. 5 years, you were gone for 5 years. Your living situation was currently homeless. You were living in a forest, thankful that it was summer, and waiting for the government to start solving problems. On your daily walk by the cottage that always had a lot going on and the equipment all around it you saw a figure in all black, sitting against a tree, clearly sad. Nobody else was there and you weren't afraid of anything at this point, so you went to the person.

"Um, excuse me? Is everything alright? Do you need help?" You asked coming to a hold 4 steps away from them. A man with long brown hair and ocean blue eyes looked up at you, eyes red and streaks down his cheeks. "No, thank you. I think you'd need my entire life story for that." He sniffled. "Well, I'm currently living in the forest cause I've been dead for 5 years and nobody seems to solve the entire missing people and housing problems, so I think I might understand your hurt a little bit. What's wrong?" You crouched down to be on his level. Now that you looked at him, he looked way bigger and potentially dangerous than you previously thought. You both just sat in silence for a few seconds. "You know when you want your friend to be happy, even if it hurts you like being torn to shreds?" He asked, staring into the distance. "Yeah. It's the worst when they don't consider that pain." You were picking grass from the ground. "Multiply that hurt times 100. That's how I feel right now." He sniffled again and you inched a little closer. "Tell me what happened." "Well. Hi, I'm Bucky, formerly known as the Winter Soldier, frozen and unfrozen since the mid 40s. My friend who wasn't made to kill but still equally frozen just went back in time to choose his first love over me and his other friends in this time. And he came back as an old man. I should be happy for him. He had a great life and probably found his peace. But I would've loved to spend those decades with him, my other friends and maybe some new people." A tear ran down his cheek. "You would've needed the support, the love from a true friend. Let me tell you something. A true friend would always choose his friends over his love. No matter which situation. And I hope you're gonna have some damn great decades. Better than he had them. Cause you didn't live in nostalgia. Okay?"

You didn't know how your daily walk turned into a therapy session with a former assassin but this was needed. "Okay." He nodded with a tiny smile. "You need a hug?" You smiled back and he nodded sniffling. The moment your arms had surrounded him he started sobbing. Way too many emotions coming through, thinking of all those years he did everything for that small boy from school. "It's okay, let it out." You murmured, stroking his back. "It hurts." He got out. "I know. For a reason. It hurts because you cared. A lot," you said and felt arms hugging back. "Thanks." He sniffled again. "No problem." "What's your name, therapy stranger." He laughed loosening the hug and wiping his tears away. "Y/N." "James, but call me Bucky." He finally had a true smile on his face. "That's gonna hit you a few times, Bucky. Don't drown in it, okay?" Your hands were on his shoulders. "Promise."

You sat side by side in silence after that. Just relaxing with a view of the forest. "Can I help you with your housing problem?" His voice broke through, a little groggy but calm. "I don't know if you can." You grinned, throwing away a flower petal you had picked. "Well, now that Steve is definitely out of question as a third roommate...you might be a good shot. You don't have to. Just an idea. I can also just help you search for a flat." "I'd like to. An actual shower would be nice again." you giggled. "There's one in there. I can, you know, ask if you can-" "You don't have to." "Well, but I want to. You don't deserve to die for 5 years and then not have at least THAT luxury." He chuckled at how dumb this all sounded. "I guess." You grinned. He stood up, "Let's just walk in there. Ignore any question about Captain America or Steven Grant Rogers & get you to a shower and a hairbrush." "Thanks for subtly insulting my hair." You boxed against his arm and heard a chuckle.

A knock, "Can I come in without risking a punch?" "Yeah." You giggled, standing in front of the mirror in a shirt that he gave you, getting knots out of your hair. "You look like a new person, Y/N." He grinned leaning against the counter. "Imagine what a good 10 hours of sleep would do to me now." You smiled before making a grimace at the pain on your scalp. He watched you starting to frown into the mirror at your hair strands. "Can I help?" He came closer. "Depends on how gentle you can be." You chuckled. "I had sisters, I know how to do this without anyone crying, darling," he said proudly. "Well, then help away." You shrugged. His hands were gently going through the hair strands on your left side while you went on with the right side. Your eyes wandered to his patient but slightly frowning face that was concentrated on your hair and you smiled. "Didn't think helping a stranger would end this positive." You giggled and he looked up with a smile. "Good things happen to good people." "Well, bad things also happen to good people." You looked at him through the mirror with a soft smile and saw him shake his head to get rid of a thought. "It'll get better," you whispered. "I know," he whispered back, letting the brush glide through your hair. "Damn. You really are good at this." "Of course. Didn't wanna hear my sisters cry at me for an entire week back in the day." He chuckled at the fond memories on his mind. Would he go see them if he could? No. He didn't want to interfere with their life, everything happened for a reason. When you were finally done with your side you exhaled exhausted and turned around to him. "You look pretty in it." He smiled down at you and you followed his eyes. Oh, yeah, this was his shirt. "Uh, thanks." You answered touching it.

"Who's the pretty girl you got with you, Barnes?" Sam looked up from his drink in the kitchen and eyed you. "Our potential third roommate." Came back. "Oh." He set down his cup of coffee. "Hi, my name's Y/N. I've also been gone for 5 years and currently live off of forest food cause our government is a burning pile of trash," you introduced yourself dryly. "What did you do before?" "Was the definition of a homebody." You shrugged. "Hm, not to come off wrong but...we're Avengers and that means cleaning & errands might end up in your hands cause of missions. Any problems with that?" He smirked. "Not really. I just want sleep, food, water and a roof over my head." "What music do you like?" "Pop, Rock, Hip Hop." "Favorite sports team?" "Not my area." "Favorite movie?" "The Matrix." "I like her." Sam looked at Bucky. "Does that mean I can just stay with you from now on? Cause I literally don't have anything else out there other than my knife and a missing persons file for my mother." You asked. "Of course. Why would we let you sleep in the forest?" Bucky looked back at you. "You never know."

"Welcome to your new home." It has been a few days since you all met and gotten to know each other better. Bucky had just opened the door to your room and a bed frame and mattress were already in there. Together with a decent laptop and phone. Clothes had been ordered a few days earlier, but you were still mainly living in Bucky's clothes. There had been multiple occasions of him hiding somewhere in the house or outside to just get it all out, but you always found him and calmed him down. "Oh god, you didn't have to-" "But I wanted to." With a soft smile he closed the door behind you As soon as you used both devices and logged back in, you were searching for your friends and family members. Then world news & government aid. Then Steve Rogers and then Bucky. Sure, you'd learned about them in school years ago but a little refresher on their history and more reasons to be mad at Steve weren't a bad idea. "Gone for a press conference." Was yelled through the apartment by Sam and a door closed. Shortly after there was a knock on your door. "Come in." Bucky's head peaked in with a shy smile. "Something wrong?" You asked. "No, just wanted to say thank you for being there for me so much the last days. You don't have to but you do it anyway." His hand wandered through his hair. "You're the one giving me a place to stay after all this mess." You smiled back. After a bit of silence he breathed in, "Wanna make dinner together?" "Sure."

"Am I ever getting my clothes back?" He grinned down at you. "No. Too comfy." You grinned back in your giant shirt from him. "It's okay, you can have 'em. They look better on you anyway." Now the smile got softer. "Thanks. Always prefered men's clothing." You handed him something he needed for the food you were preparing. There was a comfortable silence across the room while you two continued until the food was ready. "Thanks for cooking with me." He smiled like a little boy. "Of course, Buck."

You woke up from whimpers next door. It was 2am and you really needed sleep, but you got up and walked to his room. When you slowly opened the door you saw him toss and turn a bit with a frown on his face. "Bucky. Hey, Bucky. It's okay. Wake up." Your hand wandered over his head and arm. With a little gasp his eyes opened, "Y/N?" "Yes, I'm here. You had a bad dream." You gave him a concerned smile. "Thank you for waking me up." He smiled sleepily. "Of course." You stood up. "Can you stay here? I don't want to dream that again." His hand reached out and landed on your legs. "Sure." You shrugged and got into the bed next to him. Big arms were snaking around you and hugged you close into a spoon position. "Thank you." He whispered before you drifted off.

Your eyes slowly opened and you found yourself to be in a room that wasn't yours. As soon as you heard little huffs behind you, you knew where you were again. The hand that was over your waist was tried to be removed but without luck. "Bucky. Let me get up." You grumbled. "Hmm?" He asked half asleep. "Let me get up," you mumbled. "No." He grumbled and pulled you closer. "Bucky!" You squealed and got a deep chuckle back. "What's wrong, darling?" You only crossed your arms in response. "Good morning to you too." He chuckled. "You're definitely awake," you mumbled and the arm around you instantly loosened after he realized what you were talking about. "Sorry," was mumbled. "Nah, it's fine." You smiled and finally turned around, "Sleep well after the nightmare?" "Yes, thank you for staying." His tired eyes were shimmering. "No problem." You got hair strands out of your face. "You look adorable right now." He laughed. "I feel more like a squished teddy bear." You pouted and got a giant grin back. "You were a good teddy bear though."

He still occasionally cried and you came to his room whenever you noticed or heard, but he got better, even after visiting Steve. A mission finally called for both of them, not a good sign. Seeing him in his full gear for the first time was overwhelming but fascinating. "Be safe you two idiots." You smiled at both of them. "Don't redecorate the entire house." Sam grinned. "I'll try my best." You chuckled before giving both of them a good hug. The second one came with a kiss to your temple before they were out of the door. You were worried the second they were out of the door, but the two weirdos would be keeping each other safe.

After the mission had turned into a national problem and back, the two men finally came in through the front door exhausted. "Hey, darling." A familiar voice broke the silence and you fell into his arms. "I'm so glad you both are back unharmed," you mumbled. "Of course! We need to annoy the hell out of you. Don't we?" Sam chuckled. You hugged him too before dragging them both into the kitchen to make them some sandwiches. "Sooo. How did it go?" You grinned, knowing well that both of then were ready to explode at the inability of the government. A grumble, "Don't get me started." "Smith is a fucking idiot." "Yeah, and that Tom idiot from mission control." "And Sharon's contact." "Literally anyone involved except for a few." Bucky concluded. "Well, I painted a wall in my room while you were gone and fixed the faucette in the bathroom." You smiled at them accomplished. "Without US!?" Sam said fake offended. "How could you? Let us fail at it first." Bucky joined in. "Can't believe you two manage to keep each other alive." You laughed before starting to clean the counter.

"It's pretty." Bucky smiled at your wall after sitting on your bed and staring at it for a good minute. He was not sure if he liked pastel colors on the wall but guessed they made sense for you. "Thanks. Stood in the paint aisle for almost two hours for the right color." "You think I should paint mine too?" He looked over to you at the desk. "If you want to." A quick shrug. "What color would you pick?" "Maybe...a dark warm purple. Or a tapestry with a lot of moody but colorful things going on. Or maybe just hanging up a few decor pieces in black and brown, fitting to your furniture." Your mind was working with all the possibilities. You didn't notice the soft eyes on you, "I think actually...the best one would be getting a few hang up tapestries that you like and change them up every now and then and the other half of the wall with the decor idea." "Y/N?" He snapped around to get you back. "Huh?" You shook your head and saw his nose crinkle with a chuckle. "Search for some and show them to me." He nudged his head towards your laptop. You grabbed it and fell onto the bed next to him and both of you spent the entire evening checking out tapestries on Society6.

Hands wrapped around your sides before picking you up unexpectedly. With a squeal you found yourself on the shoulders of the super soldier. "I was just trying to hang this up." You giggled. "Thought I should help." He chuckled. "My head literally almost smashed into the ceiling." "But it didn't." The tapestry was put up next to the frames and shelves you had been working on all afternoon while he was at the compound. "It's pretty. Thanks for making it that way." He smiled down at you after letting you down again. "No problem. I love doing this kind of stuff." "Pizza?" "Pizza."

"W-" "Just take it. Wear it everyday and use it if you need to." You were looking down at a bracelet that they got configured for emergencies. In case of imminent danger you just needed to press down a button. "But why?" "You live with two Avengers, we'd feel better if you wore it." Sam added. "Oh okay." You were intimidated by the tech. You studied Hydras infiltration into S.H.I.E.L.D. in your freetime after the files came out and while you were aware that your phone was technically also a tracking device, this felt a little bigger than some phone that can be encrypted by a VPN. You put it on anyway, these two idiots would never want to harm you. "Why not simply use my phone?" You looked up. "You better have two devices than one. If somebody gets your phone a bracelet will be the least suspected thing on your body." "Hm. Okay." You looked at the beads of the bracelet. Looked not too expensive but also not cheap. "Guess I'll get used to it." Two relaxed smiles came back at you. Good.

Arms wrapped around you while you made yourself french toast. A grumble and exhausted exhale. "You'd think with two soldiers you'd have people in the house that are used to early mornings." You chuckled. "Not when you slept like shit and have a roommate that feels like a good surface to fall back asleep on." Sam grumbled in his groggy voice. "You want one?" A soft movement on your shoulder was given back. You added one more slice to the pan and leaned back against him. "Damn you, soft woman." He mumbled squeezing you closer and making you giggle. "You awake or falling asleep again?" You chuckled. "Awake. Unfortunately." He whined before letting you go and taking his toast. "Drink your coffee, birdie. 's gonna be fine." You grinned. He tossled through your hair before making his way to his chair. "You havin' any plans for today?" "Hm. Maybe I'll go adventure the city a bit. Quite a bit has changed in the last 5 years." "You bringing dinner on the way back?" His head dipped to the side like a puppy would do it. "Sushi?" "Sounds good to me."

You'd been all around the Central Park area to scope out new places and what had changed. A few big companies went down after the decimation and smaller shops moved into the places. One of them was actually a sushi place and you already felt it slowly getting colder and the sun was getting lower. You made your way to that block. It was a bit further from the park and not much tourist attractions near, so you could slow down your pace a bit. You never made it to the entrance. You were yanked back by somebody and silenced with a hand over your mouth. You opened your eyes again to an empty street, only darkly clothed men all around. How did you not see them earlier. "Well, if it isn't our Avengers girlfriend." A dark voice said behind you, manifesting into a man coming to a hold in front of you. The man holding you let you go a little, knowing you wouldn't run with all these men around. "What do you want from me and who the hell are you?" You said stronger than you thought you could in this situation. Your hand wandered to your wrist, pressing down the little dent in your bracelet. "The Handler, Hydra, we don't want anything FROM you, we just want you. They'd never let their friend die at our hands. They wanna save you, don't they." "You wanna take me to get them?" You made clear out loud. "Yeah. You wanna come with us normally or do we need to use strength on you?" "I come with you, but only if you can prove you're really Hydra and not just some human trafficking gang." You played the game, they wouldn't take long. "Girl, you wanna see prove?" The man grinned. "I know all his trigger words. You wanna die at the hands of Bucky Barnes or do you wanna live?" "Not sure how long you can keep that promise of me living." You smirked, hearing a faint jetpack coming closer. In seconds somebody grabbed you, Sam kicked down the mysterious man and multiple men fell to the floor. You didn't look at the scene but had enough self defense training to kick the man holding you where the sun doesn't shine before ramming an elbow into his sternum and your hand into his face. A metal hand grabbed over his mouth before his body turned limp. "Stay behind me!" You heard from Bucky, finally getting you out of the shock and did as he said. Your eyes were trying to stay as far away from anything trauma inducing as they could. Bullets were kept from hitting you by black vibranium and you flinched at a cry behind you. "Sam, get her out of here." The arms from this morning suddenly felt possibly threatening for a second, then like the only safe option. "Close your eyes." He quickly told you before flying you up to the next best roof. Redwing hovered above you shortly after and you were pressed to sit down on the floor. "Stay here. Gonna make sure everything is safe." You were shaking, heard a few more gunshots and the little computer over you scanning everything around. "I'm just saying. You better tell her soon or she'll never start training to do these things." "She shouldn't need to. Even if I do." The two flew up in front of you, Bucky immediately coming straight towards you with a concerned face. "Didn't know you could break noses, darling." He huffed before grabbing your shaking form close, letting you sob out the shock. "I'm so sorry, Y/N." He mumbled into your ear. "H-home." "We'll bring you home, darling. You're safe now."

"They waited all this time for her to go into an area of the city that's calmer. What the hell could they want from me or you?" Sam was stressed. "They always want me for something." Bucky muttered. "Hey, that's not your fault. Okay?" "I know, but I'm still the reason this bullshit happened to her." "You don't know that." "They wanted to kidnap her to lure us in. Told her they knew the trigger words." Bucky growled. Your pitter patter moved towards the kitchen. Red swollen eyes staring at the two men for a second before you went for the fridge. "He said "come with us or die by Bucky's hands" like it wasn't part of the same plan," you mumbled taking out chocolate pudding, "Which makes me question if they have more stuff to get you with." "I honestly don't wanna try it out without having Steve to kick your head back to normal." Sam shook his head. "I need to call Shuri, Cho & Banner," Bucky muttered before making a quick way out of the kitchen. You sat down on the counter, spoon deep in your comfort food. "You feeling better?" Sam asked. "A bit." "Bucky's still not over you breaking someone's nose. That was badass for someone that's not an agent. But also risky." The last sentence was accompanied by a stern look. You gave a soft smile back, "I knew you both had my back." "I can teach you a few more moves if that helps you." He grinned. "Would always love to learn from my favorite Captain America." You laughed towards the end of the sentence.

"I'll be back in a few weeks. Promise." Bucky looked down at you, regretting that he needed to go to Wakanda. "Gonna miss you." You squished your face into his chest. "I'm gonna miss you too, darling." He smiled down. You pulled his head down a little, making his breathing hitch and his cheeks flush. A soft kiss was pressed onto his forehead before he could get his cool back. "Now nothing can go wrong." You giggled and he grabbed you into a tight hug again with a chuckle before you parted ways and he flew away in the Quinjet.

In the following weeks you got at least one voice memo per day. Sometimes a picture of a beautiful Wakandan flower. Mostly diary-like updates. You kept his room clean, changed the tapestry to a more colorful one, stole some more jumpers and maybe one of his throw blankets. "Sam told me you're a thief again?" He said when you finally video called after a month. "It's getting colder, your jumpers are the best, what else am I supposed to do?" You pouted. "I also see my throw blanket around you right now." He laughed. "I miss you, okay?" You said flustered. "I miss you too. Next time I'm gone I demand to steal something from you too." He grinned. "Alright," you agreed, "How are you doing?" "I think they only test one or two more times for stuff and then I'm gonna be back." "Prepare for the longest hug in the history of hugs." "Alright, darling. Ugh, I need to go. Annoy Sam for me, will you?" He smiled truly happy. "Of course. See ya, Buck."

"No, don't go back before punching. That gives me too much time for defense. Surprise effect." Sam explained to you while showing you some of the things he learned in the military. "So, like this?" You punched him and caught him off-guard. "Damn, girl. You're getting really bold around me, huh?" He smirked. "Thought Captain America could take a hit from someone like me." You chuckled. "Oh, you could easily win against me with the right training. I think Bucky would be hard for any agent or soldier." "Another point for me disliking Steve, thanks. Goes onto the list." "You have a list?" He asked impressed. "C'mon. Good doesn't mean sane." "You're more protective than I thought you'd be." He winked continuing the session. "Why wouldn't I? Physically I'm not a match, but mentally?" You smirked, diffusing a punch. "Fair point." He shrugged, dodging your next punch. "Gaaah." You threw yourself at him in a cuddle attack. "You tired?" He laughed catching you. "Yeah." "Sushi?" "Please."

With a gasp you woke up from a nightmare. A weird one too. Nothing made sense but it had involved your two roommates. After grabbing the water bottle on your bedside table and drinking from it you had calmed down, but not enough to fall back asleep. *I had a nightmare.* *Can't fall back asleep?* *No :c* *Sleep in my bed if it helps.* You had silently made your way to Bucky's room and laid down in his bed, surrounded by his smell. Something about that did wonders to get your eyelids heavy in an instant. The next morning you were greeted with wiggly eyebrows at the kitchen table. "You act like we don't have a nightmare routine." "Yeah, it's real cute. You should try seeing how oblivious you both are. Drives me insane." "Excuse me?" He held his hands up and stayed silent about it for the rest of the week.

You started sleeping only in his room after that day, since it just felt better for whatever reason. You really felt the parts of your day where he was missing. And one morning you finally woke up to arms being tightly wrapped around you with a face pressed into your back. "Bucky?" You whispered tired and turned around. "Hm?" He grumbled half asleep. "I missed you." You grinned squinting. "I missed you too, darling." He peaked his eyes open with a soft smile. You inhaled to say something but held yourself back from doing so. "Missed you more than anything." He grinned with his hand getting your messy hair under control. "Anything is a lot." You giggled. "I know, darling." He pulled you closer, having you in his personal space. "I slept way better in here." You smiled. "Really? Was it because of the bed or the stolen clothes?" He chuckled. "Both." Another giggle left you. "I really want to kiss you right now," he said with his eyes locked on yours. Words failed you and you nodded with a shy smile. Lips touched yours slow and hesitant, testing the waters, making sure you feel comfortable. "I waited so long to do this, god. I'm so madly in love with you." Everything just left him like a waterfall of words. "I love you too, Bucky." Your face lit up. "Sooo, we're gonna stay in this cocoon for a few more minutes?" His hand went down your side. "Of course, you idiot." You laughed. A few more minutes had turned into an hour. Spent with kissing, touching, giggling and content smiles. "You want french toast or not?" You sat up. "I want you...wait...that came out wrong." He laughed. "Oh no, Buck. You meant that the way you said it, player." You grinned. "I mean...it wasn't a lie." Innocent eyes landed on you. "You'd have to kick Sam out for that." You laughed and gave him a little wink, making him blush. "Maybeee I need 5 more minutes." He cleared his throat. "Alright. Good to know." You smirked before leaving the bed next to him warm, while he needed to calm down from any fantasies playing out in his head.

[elusianknight]

Do you have any headcanons for Cyril?

It’s been awhile since I was super into fe3h, BUT

I think my most prominent ideas about him come from the idea that archery is probably one of the first thing he picks for himself. I left off in the middle of the GD route but I’m assuming archery must be at least kind of common in Almyra, right? Even if 15yo Cyril isn’t willing to admit it to himself, maybe that’s why he finds himself interested in archery. 

Since the game drops the ball with Cyril like they do with so many others, I think his blatant hatred of Almyra is ridiculous (not to mention his whole backstory just... is bullshit imo like not that he’s lying, but it’s lazy on part of the writers... they said he’s a war orphan who hates Almyra because they didn’t want to write about or come up with or research another culture). So as opposed to his writing in the game, I think over the timeskip, while Rhea’s influence is absent, he starts doing things for himself. It starts with him learning the bow, learning how to ride a wyvern (I MEAN COME ON THAT SHIT IS PROBABLY SO HARD AND ALSO SCARY???) and then maybe he learns other things from Shamir too, like woodcarving or survival skills. He’s such a good kid, I hate that Rhea gets a pass for treating him like SHIIIIIT because well, I love Catherine, but she’s a grown ass woman who has kinda dug the hole for herself of being willfully ignorant of Rhea and the church’s failings/cruel tendencies... but Cyril is a kid who Rhea has basically groomed and indoctrinated.

So I would like him, over the course of the timeskip or after it (especially in GD route) to find some comfort with his Almyran roots. Like, maybe he looks into their archery styles, or something like that. I feel like he might mistake Shamir’s flippant attitude toward her own country for hatred (which is also because Intsys is lazy and doesn’t want to write anything substantial about Dagda, just like with Brigid, Almyra, and Duscur) but she does return there with Catherine in their ending. I think they would bond over having complex relationships with their homelands. Even Catherine to an extent, with her being a supposed traitor of Faerghus. UGH THIS IS WHY THEY”RE THE BEST FAMILY OK

I’m sorry these really aren’t headcanons. You just got me thinking about them all again. I love Cyril a lot. Baby boy. He fucking shreds things in my GD playthrough alongside Lysithea. Baby power couple.

Speaking of which. I LOVE THEIR SUPPORT CHAIN SO MUCH OKAY!

I love Edelys but when it’s not CF give me that Cysithea or give me death dude. No I do not see their ending I do not care canon is fake and trash anyway.

It honestly makes me think that Rhea just wanted him as a tool (which is kinda obvious the way she seems to enjoy blind devotion to her) because she was content to let him work himself to the bone and... not even give him a place to sleep??????????????????????????????????????????????????? The kid literally sleeps wherever he keels over at the end of the day and doesn’t even have a room but Rhea pats herself on the back for taking child slaves I mean rescuing orphans. And everyone else is like yeah, this is fine. I mean I guess House Goneril also literally has child slaves so the Fodlan people are just like yeah, whatever. Goddddddd I hate the writing in this game, ANYWAY

Where I was going with that was, if she saw this great potential in Cyril and truly wanted to give him a position of remotely important status someday (a knight, an advisor, a teacher, a professor, whatever, something above a servant!) she probably would have had someone teach him to read. BECAUSE YOU KNOW, THEY LIVE AT A FUCKING SCHOOL LMAO. 

So when he is embarrassed about it, when Lysithea offers to teach him... it reads to me as another thing that he wants for himself. Sure, it can help him help Rhea more... but he gets his own enjoyment out of it too! It’s not just about helping Rhea, or spending time with Lysithea, (the latter of which is so much more healthy jfc these poor kids) but Cyril finding something FOR HIMSELF is so important to me okay. Archery, reading... I think if the people who wrote fe3h had braincells, these would be mere steps on the path to Cyril breaking apart from Rhea and realizing that she isn’t all that she seems. Cyril takes plenty of fe3h’s characters to task and he doesn’t hold back. I think when the curtain’s pulled back on Rhea he would give her a fucking earful and be really disgusted at her manipulative nature. I want front row seats with popcorn. And also to give him a hug. Speaking of that!

I think he has a lot to talk about with Catherine too.

They were both saved by Rhea, right, in slightly different scenarios (obviously Catherine’s feelings toward Rhea are tinged with romantic feelings toward her too, while Cyril sees her as more of a mother figure). But they both idolize her and I feel like Catherine is a picture of Cyril’s future in that way--she’s willing to do anything for Rhea (except die, as she says in her Shamir supports, but I feel that this is almost a malleable aspect of her character considering uh. She will stick by Rhea’s side in CF and go against her own morals and values and participate in a battle she knows she’s gonna lose). But the point is, Catherine is loyal to the point of self destructive tendencies. And that’s the path Cyril is heading down in 3h, where he goes to battle to fight for her even though he’s a novice (moreso than the students being formally trained even if they are similar in age) and probably would be better like. Hiding somewhere with other civilians.  Shamir is the first person in both of their lives to significantly challenge their perspective on Rhea simply because she doesn’t see what the big deal is. Catherine setting her hometown ON FIRE and throwing herself at Edelgard’s army is where Cyril can (and does) end up too... and MAN THATS DEPRESSING but I think they should have been able to defect--I think they should be able to support with Shamir and even each other, to question things like Lonato’s death (like damn Catherine... you killed his son too.... who was your friend................ that would be a good jumping off point for a “hey wait this is kinda fucked up” conversation) and come to the conclusion that hey, maybe Rhea ISNT always right and maybe there IS something wrong here. Even if they aren’t willing to fight AGAINST her, I think they should have the capacity for being recruited post timeskip (you know... battlefield recruitments... the things that happen in FE games... sigh). I mean yes, this is basically what my fic is about, with them slowly questioning thanks to Shamir’s influence through the course of the war. 

It’s 2am and I’m rambling all over the place, but I hope you got some enjoyment out of it. Stan Cyril Fire Emblem. Cathmir and Cyril is a wonderful family and Shamir can help her wife and son heal from their traumatic indoctrination by the scary dragon lady and her wacko church. 

I’m assuming you’re the person who read my fic and messaged me about it, but if you’re not, here ya go.  Please read til chapter 2, chapter 1 isn’t as good but 2 slaps. I promise.

[identityexcavationstation]

The High Fidelity Remake is Good and my Identity is Irreversibly Linked to Music Consumption

Hi! So, I’m kinda insane about playlists.

This year I’ve made a lot of them. They’ve been short and snappy on index cards, scanned and pasted in a book and uploaded to the internet. (I’ve really fallen in love with index card playlists and they’re my thing now and I think everyone should do them always and forever.) They were easy to churn out as a retrospective exercise because the music I listened to as a teenager really defined my high school experience. Also, I have most of my favorite songs from that period in a very dramatic playlist I started in 2014 so it was really a game of copy-and-paste. 

Making these smol boys in batches has been a really peculiar experience because for years now, I’ve only made one playlist at a time. In my second semester of college, I’d officially burned myself out listening to only CHVRCHES for three months and began venturing elsewhere. (Don’t get me wrong, CHVRCHES absolutely bangs, but you can only listen to “Never Ending Circles” so many times before getting seasick.) All of the random songs I was listening to made me feel kinda hazy and purple, like I’d done all of this before. So I made a playlist full of them and called it “Deja Vu.”

I added to it all semester, and then suddenly it was summer and I didn’t feel purple and hazy anymore⁠—everything was blue and crisp on the way to South Haven as my friend blasted “Settle Down” by Kimbra in her beat-up Honda. So I started a new playlist and named it the first word that popped into my head: “Roots.”

Using Deja Vu as a rubric, I developed some ground rules for the playlists I would go on to create. They are pretty nonsensical but also exceedingly firm because if I don’t make rules for every area of my life I feel like I’m falling into a deep and limitless void. Health! Anyway, the rules are:

The playlist’s title has to be a short noun (seven letters maximum).

This has since transformed into a noun that is also a verb.

To generate a title, I ask myself what short word I would use to describe the phase of life I’m currently in. The answer comes quickly and reflexively, and I choose the very first word I think of.

One song per artist, no repeats!

Exceptions are made for artists who are featured on a track.

There have been times when I’ve obsessively listened to a whole album or an artist’s entire discography, so I have to choose just one song that represents the very best of that album or artist.

Tracks are added chronologically, based on when I first hear them and/or start listening to them compulsively.

The playlist has to contain an amount of tracks that is divisible by five.

If a song in a playlist is deleted from Spotify, I have to find a replacement asap that is accurate to what I was listening to when that playlist was being created.

and, most importantly, 

I can’t make a new playlist until I feel I’m finished with the current one.

These playlists represent seasons of my life, cycles in which I change and evolve and stagnate and fuck up and try again. The only rule I have for beginning a new playlist is that I feel done with the current one—those songs are a little stale and don’t represent me anymore. These “seasons” don’t have any set length, and I can never predict when I’ll feel like a new being who needs new songs to define her. So far, my life has looked like this:

Deja Vu - 176 days (12.03.16 - 05.28.17) Most common lyrics: now, love, time, need, take

snow that covers ivy that covers bricks, towers made from dining hall dishes, smiling at the bus stop without knowing, sheet masks in the dorm bathroom at 2am, pink string lights and pink crocheted blankets and pink shag carpeting, cheap beer behind tarps and walking everyone home

Roots - 111 days (05.28.17 - 09.16.17)  Most common lyrics: love, one, give, wanna, know

t-shirt tan lines, mozzarella and tomato and basil and singed spaghetti, sunset walks around abandoned high schools, green leaves outlined in watercolor, the smell of mildew and old paper in banker’s boxes, sweat-soaked french braids, the knife twist of eye contact, tarot readings under lamplight

Walls - 110 days (09.16.17 - 01.04.18)   Most common lyrics: wanna, know, baby, take, feel

crying in the gender-neutral restroom, pretty boys holding guitars or rolling rock, photos in the forest, blue carpeting and lofted bedframes, pitch-black bonfires, sitting in the dining hall to just watch the people pass, snow on eyelashes in large wet clumps, laughing at lies

Bite - 78 days (01.04.18 - 03.23.18)    Most common lyrics: know, love, stay, come, need

impatience at the airport, texting on the laundry room floor, nervous night drives, five grilled cheese sandwiches, acne like freckles, ceiling photos taken in secret, watercolor lines and paper houses, broken glass on the sidewalk, ink-stained forearms, notebook paper comics, writing small on basement walls

Windows - 131 days (03.23.18 - 08.01.18)   Most common lyrics: love, now, know, baby, fall

books piled up by the bed, rum and coke and orange juice and vodka and cheap white wine, rainy day night walks, streetlights turning the leaves orange, echoes from the party upstairs, solo trips to the grocery store, always leaving the blinds open, aperol and chai lattes and smørrebrød, never coming home

Grip - 136 days (08.01.18 - 12.15.18)    Most common lyrics: know, boy, lost, girl, night

read receipts, the creaking of an empty house, sand and bricks and traffic cones, sitting on the curb and shaking, applause at dinner, bubble tea, bike rides in torn jeans, mr brightside blasting at 10am, doodles during lectures, embroidery at the kitchen table, blue bus panic attacks, half an apple for lunch

Wait - 117 days (12.15.18 - 04.11.19)  Most common lyrics: heart, want, one, back, know

crying in the lobby, measuring oats by the quarter cup, drunken voice memos, shoes on power lines, another bowl of granola, reading all the lyrics, photos taken with the flash on, sleeping on strange couches, shoeboxes full of photographs, wire catching the sunlight, fifteen minutes of windchill

Wave - 108 days (04.11.19 - 07.28.19)  Most common lyrics: wanna, know, now, love, come

dancing on the porch, reading on the roof, tipsy trips to the corner store, silent heavy parlor air, chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting, barred windows and string lights and exit signs, highlighting the important parts, nails tapping on wooden tables, wet wind before the storm, biking straight into the smoke

Home - 178 days (07.28.19 - 01.22.20)   Most common lyrics: down, know, now, wanna, think

steep downhill walks, fingertips covered in graphite and lead, blank faces on green walls, forest walkways, hands gripping thighs too tightly, light leaks in darkrooms, the handwriting of strangers, chains trapped between teeth, white words left unread, twirling at the tennis court, yellow becoming blue

Hand - 63 days (01.22.20 - 03.25.20)   Most common lyrics: know, time, love, die, back

masking tape messages, laughing four shots in, BiC .07mm HB mechanical pencils slipped into coat cuffs, cheeks blushed with red ink, green floodlights and kissed knuckles, windows fogged from the inside, falling asleep with earbuds in, finger guns and everything in boxes, wedging open locked doors

_______________________________________________________________________

It’s interesting to look back at these playlists altogether, see them as self-contained units, little stories I tell about myself, about the people I used to be. Adding a song to one of these playlists was like making a vow, entering a relationship with a collection of sounds. It’s like I was saying “this song is now a part of me.” I constructed this little world for myself in the space between my ears, and it, in turn, created me.

I really mean it when I say that the first word that floats to the front of my mind becomes the title of whatever playlist I’m making. I never question what the word means, and its meaning always ends up describing that season of my life. 

“Roots” became a period of reconnecting with essential pieces of myself I thought I had abandoned. 

During “Grip,” I was holding on so tightly to things that had left me ages ago, and I think I knew that, even if I was unable to admit it to myself. 

“Wait” revealed itself in two ways: it was a time in which 1.) I felt stagnant and restless, unable to be patient, and 2.) I was forced to grasp with a physical and emotional weight that had been bearing down on me. 

The mind is a magical thing—it processes what we refuse to recognize. 

Speaking of which, these playlist covers have been driving me up the wall for ages. They’re like nails on a freaking chalkboard for my synesthesia. Is “Bite” a heavily blue playlist? Sure. But is “Home” purple? Is “Grip” pink??? I think the fuck not! 

(I could do a whole goddamn blog post on synesthesia, and I might.)

Now that I know how to switch out playlist cover art (can you believe it’s taken me this long to figure out how to do that?), I have decided to issue myself a challenge/project/way to procrastinate actual work I have to do. 

I’d like to make a piece of cover art for all of the above playlists. And because I am, to reiterate, insane, I’m setting up some Rules For Creation:

All works must be the same size, on the same type of paper using similar materials (tbd but probably graphite, colored pencil, watercolor, fineliners, and/or collage).

The preliminary sketch for each cover must be created while listening to the playlist.

Each piece can (must?) incorporate the five most common lyrics as listed above because goddammit I did not spend four hours compiling lyrics in a web-based word cloud generator for nothing.

If I’m not having fun, I won’t make myself do it because this is literally just for laffs. 

Anyway, I’m looking forward to creating some fun weird art! I know nobody is gonna read this and nobody is gonna comment but if, by some miracle, you feel like it, comment a playlist you’ve made that you’re really proud of! Or comment if you have some weird playlist rules! Or cyberbully me! Anything’s fair game. 

TL;DR playlists are fun and I’m a maniac :)

[springday-aus]

College!AU with BM [Matthew]

moodboard link

Group: KARD 

Member: BM / Kim Matthew

Genre: fluff, romance 

Type: Bulletpoint AU 

Word Count: 2k 

fun fact: college!Matthew is a psych major 

despite looking like a buff ass gym trainer 

like all psych majors, he was interested in the human mind and how it works 

it’s just so…. complicated... iT’S cOOL 

in high school, he was thinking about sports, like physical education because that’s… what he’s been good at…… 

but then one intro to psych class in junior year totally blew his mind away 

Matthew: “think about it…. we’re all so different from one another, but we’re all actually the same because of the way we all think” 

Taehyung: “bro, it’s literally 3am, I am tireD” 

for real though, he’s really excited about learning new things about how our minds work 

lowkey probably does social experiments on all of his friends once he learns about it 

(small things like taking off his hat first on purpose to see if anyone else does it too—he ain’t about to traumatize them like Little Albert) 

some of his friends think the whole psych major suits him because he likes to talk to other people 

but like he’s part of the rehabilitation psychology route…… 

…….. not the whole therapist counselor route lmao 

plus he doesn’t have the voice for it because we can all hear him before we see him 

anyways, he wants to help patients that are suffering disabilities that include the psychological impact of their problems

rehabilitation suits him though, because he cares about the wellbeing of others, physical and mental

basically Matthew is just a big ass softie and it shows 

other than the whole psych major thing, he’s actually part of the dance team 

he was gonna join some sport since he did it in high school 

but then he was like 

DANCE TEAM 

so there he is 

speaking of fitness, he goes to the gym often 

like…….. almost everyday 

if you ever need to find him, 9/10 times he’ll probably be at the gym 

all y’all knew this was coming: GYM SQUAD 

basically, he met some dudes who all like to go to the gym and now they’re friends—there’s even a group chat 

Matthew: bro, y’all got some big tiddies  Matthew: forget gym squad, we the Big Man Tiddie Team  Wonho: why do I feel that it’s directed at me  Matthew: <3 Seungcheol: istg Matthew just wanted a Wonho fan club  Hyunwoo: …… how do I leave a group chat?  Jungkook: I need new friends 

anyways

Matthew’s got a real frat boy aesthetic

‘cause like he’s friends with almost everyone and bro and dude are part of his main vocabulary

ironically enough, he ain’t an actual frat boy tho

he’s got this whole image on campus that makes him look like he’s some type of suave player who doesn’t care about anything but his bros

it’s probably due to the fact that he’s a big dude and that’s….. real intimidating

and also the backwards hat and… tank tops…..

he knows what people say about him…. and he just tries to ignore it

**cue Jiwoo ready to throw hands EVERYTIME**

but like….. that’s not him

again: he’s a big ass softie—he’s a big dude with a mushy inside

and it’s just a shame that only his friends know how genuine he is

he’s got this thing where he’s constantly supporting others and sometimes he forgets about himself

actually for a while now, he’s had some….. sleeping issues…..

it makes no sense because his physical health is like up

so it could be a mental health thing

but, for almost every night this week, he’s just been walking around campus from like midnight to around 4am

it’s actually how he meets you

he’s been doing random stuff since he hasn’t been able to sleep

like he’d go to the campus gym, walk around, hang around the open dining halls, or like walk around his dorm hall because he’s got nothing else to do

the thing is, you’ve been having some sleep issues too

it’s probably because of stress and all the assignments caught up with you and now you’ve found yourself lying in bed awake for hOURS

so you’ve been up and about during odd hours as well

one night, at like 2am, you decided to go down to the kitchen of your dorm hall

according to google, tea or milk is a good way to get some sleep

so you decide to get yourself a lil cup of tea and as you wait for the water to boil…….

someone……. just……... shows up………

….. it’s Matthew :))))))

and like despite how hot this dude was…….

you…….. were startled…….

not without good reason, because it’s like……. late at night and this mysterious dude shows up outta nowhere

you kinda thought were gonna die because he def looks like he could kill you

until…….. he just smiles at you

Matthew: “oh hi”

you: “....... hello…….”

Matthew being Matthew just chats you up because he likes talking to people: “can’t sleep either?”

you: “yeah, tea is supposed to help though”

Matthew: “maybe it’s just me because it didn’t work that well for me”

you: “well, maybe it’s the amount, size does come into play”

Matthew: “I guess size matters huh” ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

you: I barely know this man but why is he like this

so, that’s just kinda how it goes

y’all just continue talking and swap some secrets on how to get some goddamn sleep

and…... you think that’s it

like it’s just a one time thing…..

but then

the next night, you run into him again

except it’s like 4am

the tea didn’t work last time, so you head down to get some milk instead and….

you run into him again…….

and like…….. he all sweaty….. from the gym……

Matthew: “oh hey”

you, underneath your breath: what the fu c k

the same thing happens again and y’all have a nice conversation about your lives and all that stuff

you get to find out some pretty cool stuff like

how his friends call him BM

and that he’s in dance because he’s interested in music and rap

he also loves BoA

and he is a protester of pineapple on pizza

he gets to know you too

like your major and how you got into it

your hobbies and interests

and your friends all seem really cool

the more you two talk, the more he likes you

so this whole meeting up at the kitchen at odd hours became a thing

it didn’t happen like every time, but it happened rather frequently for like a few months or so

you did see him once on campus in broad daylight, but like

he didn’t see you

because ……. you kind of avoided him

like, what if this is just like a night kinda thing

Matthew is super chill, but like you know…. what if you got that wrong idea and stuff

anyways

one day… you just stop showing up

IT’S NOT BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANNA SEE HIM

it’s just that…… you really need actual sleep because you can’t keep barely functioning like this

so your friend is like, ever heard of melatonin?

and gives you these pills that really do the fucking trick

you slept for a literal day

like 24 hours

a full ass 24 hours

since then, you’ve had a decent sleep schedule

but it meant not seeing Matthew

you didn’t really think about it because he’s got a lot of friends

why would he care about some person he meets at night

that sounds wrong but y’all get the picture

here’s the thing though

he’s worried like

maybe you are getting the sleep you need and deserve, but like

he misses you

(even though it’s literally been like a week or two)

Somin: “looks like somebody’s got a crush~”

Matthew: “your point?”

so when he spots you on campus, he can’t help but to yell your name across the quad

….. and dramatically run to you to give you a hug

Matthew: “how’ve you been? I haven’t seen you in like a couple of weeks?”

you: “have you noticed that my eye bags have lightened?”

Matthew: “gimme your secrets”

and like…. Matthew’s friends are like, hello, we are here

they actually invite you out to go eat with them

so y’all go to the dining hall and end up there for like three hours

and Matthew walks back with you to your dorm room

Matthew: “so today was fun… but maybe…. we could go out on our own next time….?”

you: “...... like…… hang out???”

Matthew: “a date”

you: “o h… uM yEA H—I mean, sure, whatever’s cool bro”

he waits for you to go in and then when you’re sure he’s gone….

“I HAVE A DATE WITH A HOT ASS MAN. HOW THE F UC K.”

**cue your startled roommate**

after your first date, it all kinda pieced together

so…... first of all, gym dates

whether you’re for them or against them, you gonna get pulled in eventually

if you work out, y’all can work out together

couple exerciSES

if not, he gonna use you as gym equipment—kinda joking but not really because he can and WILL lift you

oH and because y’all have sleeping issues, you’ve been helping him out

y’all can actually sleep when you sleep together

noT LIKE THAT GET CHA NASTY ASS OUTTA THE GUTTER

(but lowkey sleep and sleep sleep, ya know ;)))

okay but actually he’s like a giant, warm heater—you’ve been able to sleep a bit more lately thanks to him

turns out Matthew’s a cuddler…… whether it’s sleep related or not

because Matthew’s real touchy

like no shame touchy

I’m talking arm around the waist or shoulder, hand-holding, lots of kisses all over your face, or just flat out hugging you from behind

you know… one of THOSE couples

Taehyung: “y’all look like penguins waddling in the cold”

Matthew: “penguins are cute, this is good”

you: “let’s just hold hands like normal people”

Jiwoo: “Matthew isn’t normal people”

I’m joking

but like, his friends all love you

because you make him really happy and take care of him

and vice versa, obviously

you’re always prepared to fight someone for him

some asswipe: “he’s probably just a fuckboy”

you: “AND YOU’RE IRRELEVANT YOU BIG PIECE OF SHIT SAY IT ONE MORE TIME ASSHO—”

Matthew, tosses you over his shoulder: “babe calm down”

you: “I REFUSE TO. THIS BITCH WANNA THROW HANDS. I’LL FUCKIN—”

………… yeah, Jiwoo and you get along real well

even though you have those fight instincts

he’s real protective of you 

he won’t hurt a fly until it does anything to harm you

anyways, it’s just a beautiful relationship

you can bet he’s bragging about you somewhere…. or everywhere……

Matthew: “my partner is the cutest”

Seungcheol: “....... and what does this have to do with the weights?”

Matthew: “it has everything to do with weights”

oh um, by the way, Big Man Tiddie Team

Matthew says he loves you but like……. you suspect Wonho is your competition

Wonho: “hi, it’s nice to finally meet you”

you, narrows eyes: goddamn it, I understand why now

I don’t know why, but I see him interpreting your dreams…. or at least attempting to

it might just be the whole psych major thing

ayyways, you probably are gonna get spammed with odd messages from Matthew at some point

but it’s cute—he’s like a child

Matthew: look at this dog  Matthew: can we get one  Matthew: SMOOTHIES  Matthew: I got these couple hoodies by accident  Matthew: I have an idea—you, me, road trip, beach  Matthew: this reminded me of you  Matthew: it’s cute Matthew: like you

even though you’re dating, he’s probably gonna use pick up lines on you 

especially the psych ones….. because he thinks they’re funny…….. 

Matthew: “can I buy you a shrink?” ;) 

Matthew: “wanna teach me about interpersonal relationships?” 

Matthew: “can I get your number in my Long Term memory?” 

Somin: “if you’re being held captive, send me a signal” 

it’s okay though because he’s cute 

y’all are cute 

you: “you know, I almost thought I dreamt you up because I haven’t slept properly in so long” 

Matthew: “I guess you can say, I’m the man of your dreams” 

you: “............... you’re lucky you’re hot”

[dontyouhearmehowling]

oh my god. Ok so I just scrolled through your blog and my heart hurts because there is so much love and just so much stuff I can relate too and I just ahhh damnnn it I cant even but like can I please have the story of your relationship with this girl your with? please? i'm a hopeless romantic I feel too much I love so hard my own love life is complicated but i know the kind of love you talk about thats exactly how i love the love of my life too so yours is a story I need to hear

ok so. it all started on April 31st, 2018. i reblogged one of those ask games and she sent me an emoji that said “i’m too scared to talk to you but i think you’re great” and i was like do it!!! and she did!!!! she texted me after i had already gone to sleep tho, so i only answered the next day. but then we talked all day. and the next. and the next. and we never ran out of things to talk about and even only knowing her for a few days i already felt comfortable enough with her to talk about anything?? it was wild. since day 1 we’ve had this connection that i’ve never had with anyone else and its my favorite thing in the world. after like a week we already had a bunch of inside jokes, something that i’d never had before, and i was already crushing on her. ok so we became very close friends like immediately, and i mostly ignored my crush on her bc i thought she didn’t like me back and usually i’d get meaningless crushes on everyone at first before i met her. but then this other girl and i started flirting and i realized i didnt like her bc i liked c too much, so i broke things off and kinda went like “oh shit this is real” and decided that i’d just stay friends with c until i eventually couldnt take it anymore and had to tell her abt my feelings bc thats how i am. anyways ok cool meanwhile i made her watch the good place on rabb.it with me which will be relevant later.

ok so fast forward to may 21st or something around that time. its time to sleep bc i have school the next day so we say goodnight, but then i guess she says something or reblogs something and i get sad bc i realize she doesnt like me back. so i make some hashtag sad posts abt yearning and then i realize i told her i was going to sleep and i didnt want her to think i didnt want to talk to her so i text her again and say like “ok i was going to go to sleep but then i got sad abt my crush” and SHE GOES “you have a crush????????” and im there like. what in the hell bc not only did i not try to hide it At All, i constantly posted about it and had an entire tag about her and i thought it was pretty obvious. so anyways i go “yes?? i thoought you knew that?? im literally always posting about it??” and she asks me to talk abt the crush and who it is. i say “just stalk the tag if u want, im going to sleep” then shes like “nO WAIT WHO IS IT” and im like. blatantly ignoring that and my heart is already beating out of my chest but she Really wants to know and then at one point i say “please dont make me answer that” so shE SAYS “you’re making me think that its me” and i say “i dont know what you want me to say” and SHE GOES “I WANT YOU TO SAY THAT ITS ME BC I HAVE A HUGE CRUSH ON YOU” so i just. die. right then and there. also yknow we talk about it and its like after 1 am and im just happier than i’ve ever been. ok so 2 days later she asks me out Officially and its great and shes the cutest gf ever and she made me feel more wanted than i’d ever felt in my entire life. then 6 days later she sends me a big big big text on tumblr and long story short (bc it was kinda personal), she would be deleting her all social media for the summer.

so she was gone. and we had only dated for a week at this point, but we’d known each other for 2 months, and i already loved her. i already knew she was the love of my life. i didnt even try to move on, i’d tell people i didnt wanna move on cuz i knew i was meant to love her. i had another blog like this that i used to talk about how much i loved and missed her (so like. exactly like this). i literally reasoned with myself that like. that happened because before i met her i was in a really bad place after a terrible relationship and i was almost giving up on finding someone who actually made me feel loved bc i thought it would never happened, so i was like “ok so i was in a really bad place, so the universe brought my soulmate a little early just for a while so that i would know i had to hold on, and when its actually time for us to be together, it will bring us to each other once again” like i actually told myself that, in those words. and yknow what? i wasnt even wrong. on july 15th she texted me from an empty tumblr with her old url and at first i literally couldnt believe it but we talked for hours and hours and i asked her what happened bc i thought she was disconnecting for the summer and she said “i was. i am. i just couldnt not talk to you anymore” and she said that she thought about me every single day, and i told her i missed her and she said she didnt text sooner bc she thought i’d be angry at her and ofc i wouldnt, i could never be angry at her and besides, she was just taking care of herself and i said i dont think i could be anything less than head over heels for for, and she said she felt the same way, but wasnt ready to be more than friends yet. but that had always been more than enough for me. just having her in my life would always be more than enough for me. so we stayed friends.

then, on august 9th i got this ask.

and she saw it after i said i was gonna go to bed (bc again, i had school the next day) and she texted me a whole thing about how that was the nicest thing anyone had ever said about her and that i should be asleep but she had to get it out of her chest and that her anxiety made it hard for her to show how much i meant to her so she was sorry if i didnt know and this would probably make no sense but she was tired of keeping it to herself bc shes the luckiest person alive for having met me and that it was gonna be so hard because shes so difficult (shes not) and her anxiety is difficult but that she literally spent every night thinking about me and of buying plane tickets to come see me so that she could be with me. then she was like “im sorry if this is uncomfortable to you and you can just ignore it but i think im in love with you and this is over text and not romantic at all (it was the most romantic night of my life) but you’re asleep (i wasnt) and we arent together but i want to be one day” and until this i was Trying to fall asleep and then i checked my phone that kept RINGING and died a thousand times over and started to answer and she sent other texts saying “i’ve never felt this way about anyone before i’m so in love with you its fucking ridiculous and this is gonna be so complicated but fuck i want this so bad / i’m sorry it took me so long / would you move to new york with me?” and i was This Close to literally fucking exploding like. how the hell was this happening how was it not a DREAM. so we talked and i obviously said i loved her too and eventually she asked me out and thats still probably the best night of my life. other highlights: “i’ve loved you way before august 9th so jot that down” and “off topic but i love you / you’re honestly my other half” and, after i said “you cant make me laugh its 2am”, she answered “i’m going to make you laugh for the rest of your life so help me god” and thats my favorite thing anyone has ever said to me probably and so far she’s kept her word.

anyways we got back together and then she told me that she never even told her friends she broke up with me??? bc that way she could keep pretending we were still together???? literally like sjdksndk imagine being this loved. i dont have to. anyways she wrote poems abt me sometimes and her christmas gift for me was gonna be a book with all her poems and she called it “what we owe to each other” because of the good place (remember how i said it’d be relevant later? its later) bc like she said that when we were watching tgp together on rabb.it thats when she realized that she Really Truly liked me like For Real. and the inscription on the book was going to be “to the girl i love / and what i owe her” and. yall. i cry. anyways one of the poems had a huge impact on us. heres the story:

and she got them but we broke up before she got to mail them to me. what happened was she had some mental health problems and she said she couldnt give me what i needed at the time but knew i’d still give her my all bc thats just how i am and she thought it wouldnt be fair so she broke things off to work on her mental health. she said she would need some time before we could be friends. the last thing we said was that we loved each other. this was in like november 2018, and we didnt talk for months. i actually tried to move on this time after a while, but it didnt take. and then i gave up for good. havent tried since. but anyways, then, on march 11th, 2019, i had my first day of college back in my home country, and we have this “pranks”/games that seniors get to do to the freshmen, and one of them required eggs, and they asked us to paint them, so i panted mine as iron man bc it was easy, but c LOVES iron man. like. LOVES. like in a Whole New Level of loving. once when we were dating she said she loved me more than tony stark and i was like. shook. like she tattooed “T.S” on her ankle after him. u get the point. she loves him very much, its adorable and endearing and i love it. anyways. so i sent her a picture of it saying like “you dont have to answer this but i made this for my university and i thought you would like it” and she answered and IMMEDIATELY something clicked and we talked and talked and talked and it was never weird or awkward or uncomfortable. it never is with her. its incredible, i cant explain it. i Know shes my soulmate like thats the ONLY possible explanation for this kind of connection. its unreal. anyways. we became friends again! all was well.

then one beautiful night she drunk texts me sndjkajs she sends me so many texts and says it sucks that we live so far away and that she saw my posts (in this particular case, one that said something about like. when she talked about love now, was it about someone else?) and she said that it wasnt. and then she went to sleep and i only saw the texts when i woke up and i was DYING bc we had a 4 hour difference and it’d take a while for her to wake up. when she did, we talked and she said she wasnt over me and was scared she might never be, and even though we were still gonna stay friends, it was nice to know that she still loved me. ok so fast forward a bit more and i was starting to wonder if she’d moved on again, when she finds out her best friend had a crush on her, and that conversation ends up with her saying “it was 100% platonic for me / sorry if thats weird i just wanted you to know that” and it was NOT weird it was GREAT NEWS bc i was Hella jealous of her best friend and at first i wondered if they were dating and anyways the fact that she wanted me to know that was a pretty good hint that she still had feelings for me. ngl im still somewhat jealous of h (c’s best friend), but thats just bc im an insecure lil bitch and also bc they get to go out and do stuff together that i cant do with c bc of the distance, yknow? but anyways. then she went on a graduation trip in mid to the end of june and she bought me a magnet. just. out of nowhere. i cannot stress enough how Incredibly unexpected this was. so much so that i actually convinced myself that it meant she was over me????? literally. what the fuck. anyways we named him together and coincidentally (or bc of soulmate powers. who knows) we both had the same favorite names. i still love that.

okay so then we go to july 29th, 2019. first of all theres one of my favorite interactions Ever which was like after i was venting about something and i was thanking her and i said “you’re always here for me” to which she answered “nowhere else i’d rather be” and i still think thats peak romance and i will take no criticism on this. anyways so then she sent me a poem that she wrote based on a song i’d sent her (the song i called “heaven is a place” and its the BIGGEST mood for being in love and i sent it to her bc it was how i felt about her so her writing a poem about it?? literally the best thing ever. love it) anyways it was a beautiful poem and i cried and got very emotional and kinda went too far in my compliments (aka being very obvious about my romantic feelings) and then i was like oh no sorry if i made u uncomfortable and she was like. “you have NEVER. EVER EVER EVER EVER made me uncomfortable” “you’re the only person on planet earth i am comfortably myself around” and “there’s nothing you could ever say that i wouldn’t wanna hear” and anyways it was just very good and romantic conversation even tho we were just cough cough platonic hashtag gal pals hashtag no homo ✌️ and then she was like ok wait. i need to talk to u abt something. and in short she said she was waiting for us and i was like well what are you waiting for exactly? and she was like idk?? for us to accidentally bump into each other in new york in a few years?? WHICH WAS LITERALLY WHAT I’D DAYDREAM ABOUT BACK IN JUNE 2018 BEFORE SHE CAME BACK OKAY so anyways we had a Great conversation and said i love you about a thousand times each and she decided she was gonna buy tickets to come see me. and then she dID like TWO DAYS LATER. lichrally. queen of impulsivity but in the best way possible.

—————

ok quick edit here cuz i forgot to say that when i found out she was coming i asked for my mom’s help to make a necklace pendant for her from scratch. my mom works with prosthetics so she has the material to make jewelry and back when c and i were dating in 2018 i had made this lil design for a necklace that had the moon and the ocean (bc duh) and i was gonna give it to her for valentines day in 2019 but we broke up before that so i didnt get the chance, but when i found out i was meeting her i knew i had to. so i made the necklace in wax, like this:

and my mom took it to her work and heated it up to melt it and keep the shape of it to fill with silver, and this was the result:

i gave it to her when she got here and she wore it while she was here and it made me so happy. ok edit over

—————

ok so we kept being like couple-y but not officially in a relationship bc we didnt want to make her anxiety worse. also at one point she was like “so about the ‘i love you more than the moon/ocean’ thing, since we BOTH love BOTH of the moon AND the ocean, i think its only Fair if we update our love declarations to ‘i love you more than the mocean’ bc its mix of both but thats not a word, buT its pronounced exactly like ‘motion’. therefore we should both start saying ‘i love you more than the motion’”. so now we have both the wonderful, romantic, original version, and the NOT ROMANTIC AT ALL DO U HEAR ME C??? version :) and after this day she always started with the WORST!!!!!! version, and i always started with the Only Valid Version, but we’d still answer each other’s ofc because. well. thats love i gues?? it sorta goes like this though: her: i love you more than the motion / me: i hate u / me: i literally hate u so much / me: i Also love you more than the motion

but anyways she was coming to visit me but the plane ticket wasnt for my home country it was for where i was going to university at (a new university, i was starting over) and when i first got here on this campus, i didnt have a working phone number for this country, and i wouldnt be able to access the wifi for 3 days, so i had no way of talking to her. it was TERRIBLE and i missed her more than anything in my LIFE but when i got wifi (after CRYING to the people here bc theyre the most unorganized uni ever and i was already very overwhelmed and stressed) i immediately called her and she’d sent me over 100 text messages dkfjssjks it was amazing, there were two (2) videos of her singing (which is like. objectively the best thing in the world, and the song was rlly romantic and i love it sm when she showed it to me for the first time she said it made her think abt me), a poem, AND a HUGE text with “i love you” written like. a THOUSAND TIMES. seriously i have a gif of it opening and scrolling bc it was so long that the text wouldnt show up directly on the chat screen and u have to click on it to see the rest. i’d never felt more loved in my entire life by anyone ever. anyways so then it came the day for her to get here and i had to wake up at 5 am to go get her at the airport and the uber was like $40 but who CARES it was the best day of my LIFE and i got there 20 minutes earlier bUT GUESS WHAT SO DID SHE (hashtag just soulmate things) then we facetimed the entire time while she was walking through the airport and getting her luggage and then she hung up to walk to the door where i was and we hugged for like 5 minutes and we were totally in people’s way and also almost fell but it was the best thing in the world and i never should’ve let her go. but, we had to go home, so i did. and we spent 4 days together and im not gonna go into details bc this is already too long but u can always send me another ask about her visit if ur not a coward. also i bought her a hoodie from my uni and whenever she wears it i just. die. in short, those days were the happiest i’ve ever been. this campus res had never felt like home before that friday and it hasnt again since that monday, but i swear to god, during those 4 days, this was the only place i could possibly belong.

anyways then she left and i cried for the entire uber ride home and then i cried all day. lmao. also when she was here she gave me the poetry book, the magnet, and the bracelet. still wear the bracelet every single day and i love it more than anything. but then personal stuff happened and we kinda stopped being couple-y again and we’re just friends now but before new years i asked her if she still loved me and she said yes and she said she’d tell me if it changed so ✌️✌️ im assuming it hasnt. even tho my brain is a bitch and everyday its like. today. today is the day. this is when its gonna happen. buT yknow we’ve spent months before without even talking to each other and we got through that still in love, so i mostly ignore it. and tbh i know that actually like, even if we grow apart now (god forbid, but still) we’ll find our way back to each other eventually. like, i’ve said this before and i’ll say it again: nothing, not even the universe itself, can convince me that shes not my soulmate. and even if it turns out i’m not hers, loving her is still the greatest honor i can think of.

another edit: also i started drawing recently and the first person i’ve ever finished drawing was her and also (surprise surprise @c since you’re already seeing all my feelings anyway) bc of my second drawing i almost missed the deadline for one of my midterms (which was a take-home test) bc instead of writing it i spent the entire day before the deadline finishing the drawing which was a secret valentines day gift (secret as in she didnt know it was supposed to be a gift, she thought it was just a drawing inspired by a quote that she loves) and i finished at 2 am but shes 3 hours behind so for her it was still 11 pm which MEANS it was still valentines day so it still counts, i win, lesbian rights!

[heyyyharry]

Halloween Special: Bugs and Hisses (Part 1)

(from the Flatmate!Harry Series)

…in which Harry and Y/N are invited to a Halloween party, but they don’t arrive together (first Halloween as flatmates).

This takes place somewhere after Hand in Hand, Harry and Y/N are not yet together. This chapter is a Halloween Special so it’s a bit long that’s why I split it into two parts! ;)

Warning: mention of smut and nothing else but fluff

So a bit of rambling here but I was watching Reign and there was this character called Olivia who had a sexual relationship with Queen Mary’s fiancé — Prince Francis. She came back after years away from him then plotted to break up him and Mary. I don’t know who wrote that tv series but we sure share a same piece of mind! Anyway, you may now proceed.

.

There’s only one week left until Halloween and Y/N has been waiting for that day from the first of October. Harry has been complaining about the creepy skeleton in their living room which an old neighbor left for them when she moved away. Y/N placed it there not only to give their flat some Halloween vibe but also to scare the kids who come trick-or-treating. However, all it’s done so far is scaring the shit out of Harry whenever he comes home late.

“I should carry around with me a piece of paper saying ‘Y/N did it’ in case I die from a heart attack someday,” he tells her as he walks out from the kitchen with his coffee mug and joins her on the sofa.

“How do you get scared every single time even though you know it’s fake?” She asks while scrolling through Netflix on her laptop.

Harry squints his eyes at her in response. “You know those Halloween movies where a character approaches a ghost thinking it’s either decoration or a man in a costume, only to find out it’s really a ghost? Yeah that’s not gonna be me.”

Y/N stares at her flatmate in disbelief for a couple seconds before shaking her head and telling him, “you know what? Sometimes you’re just weird.”

“Thank you, baby.” He grins and brings the mug to his lips. And despite knowing he’s only joking with the nickname, Y/N cannot help but smile to herself.

She’s had a crush on him for a while now. Ironically she used to think he would be the last person she would fall for, but here she is, heart-eyes for her annoying flatmate no matter what he does or says.

People may see Harry as a tough guy who’s hard to approach, she knows he cries watching The Notebook every single time. They assume he doesn’t care about anyone else but himself, she knows he keeps a photo of his mum and sister in his wallet. They think he’s all about parties and one-night-stands, she knows he likes candles and homemade meals and staying in with a book on a rainy day. But then again, she also knows, no matter how much she thinks she knows him, she’s never going to be the girl he ends up with.

“Have you heard of Alex’s Halloween party?” Harry asks, receiving a nod from Y/N.

“Yeah, I’ve been invited actually.”

“Wait, really?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing, I didn’t know you were friends with Alex.”

“Why? Just because he’s popular?”

“No, because the guy’s a dick, and you’re—” Harry pauses then suddenly clears his throat and changes the subject, “anyway, are you coming?”

“No.”

“Why not?” Harry’s trying his best not to sound too disappointed, because he doesn’t want her to know he’s secretly wanting them to go together, not as a date, but kind of like a date.

“I promised Jamie I’d take him trick-or-treating that night.”

Harry raises an eyebrow at the girl. “Seriously? You’re going to babysit on Halloween? Where’s his mum?”

“She’s got a date.”

“You’re gonna sacrifice your night-out so our upstairs neighbor can go on a date?” He puts one hand on her shoulder and looking at her deep in the eyes, trying not to laugh. “Y/N, you’re not Halloween’s Santa Claus.”

Y/N shrugs his hand off her and rolls her eyes, resulting in a smirk on Harry’s face as he realizes she rolls her eyes at lot when talking to him. “I barely know anyone at the party. Alex only invited me because I helped him with his essay, and you don’t count because you never act like you know me in public.”

Harry breathes out a laugh as he hears her then rises from the sofa.

“Alright,” he says. “It’s your loss then.”

As Y/N shifts her attention back to her laptop screen, Harry brings his empty mug back to the kitchen, frowning when he turns away from her.

She wasn’t wrong when she said he never acted like he knew her, but that’s because he didn’t like her back then. Now, though he hates to admit it even to himself, he certainly likes her more than she may want him to.

...

Y/N suggests hiding their costumes from each other until Halloween night because she likes surprises. Harry doesn’t object to it but he hates that idea. He's dying to know what she’s going to wear because if she goes out wearing something too revealing, consider himself dead. It’s frustrating enough for him to get inappropriate thoughts about her once in a while, he doesn’t want to worry about others thinking about her the same way he does!

Well, lucky for him, Y/N chooses to stay true to who she is even on Halloween. When that night comes, she steps out from her bedroom in her costume, which is a long-sleeved, plain white dress, paired with a headband to which attached a halo made of feathers. Harry has never felt more relieved to see the safe length of the dress.

“Guess who I’m supposed to be!” She smiles cheerfully at him, putting her hands on her hips and playfully strikes a pose for her flatmate to get a better look of her appearance.

"A ghost?” Harry chuckles and Y/N huffs at his response. 

“An angel! There’s literally a fake halo above my head!”

“Then where are your wings?” 

“This is a low budget costume, I can’t afford a pair of wings.” 

The way Y/N’s squinting her eyes at Harry makes his smile grow a little too big. She’s so adorable, so precious that he wants to comment something cheesy like ‘with or without all this, you’re still an angel’, but since they’re barely friends, he can’t say weird stuff like that, can he?

“What are you supposed to be?” she finally asks, gawking at him from head to toes. 

He just looks so damn good in that white shirt with the suspenders and corduroy pants, and she also likes how his hair is all pushed back. It doesn’t matter who he’s dressed as, she’s already melting.

“Jack Dawson from Titanic,” Harry answers with a smug on his face. “I’ve been told I resemble young Leo.”

“How could they disrespect Leo like that?” Y/N scoffs, making Harry drop his jaw.

“Angels don’t mock their flatmates every chance they get! No wonder you’ve got no wings!”

“You deserved it for calling me a ghost!” Y/N flips her hair in a playful way, resulting a smirk upon Harry’s lips as she grabs her bag and heads to the door. “I gotta go now. Shouldn’t you already be on your way to the party?”

“I’m waiting for a friend.”

“Oh you’re going with Niall?”

“Uh...yeah, Niall.” He presses his lips into a small smile, already regretting agreeing to go with this girl Niall set him up with, but his flatmate does not need to know.

“Okay, have fun then!” Y/N opens the door and waves at him before she leaves. “And bring your key please! If you come home at 2AM and bang on the door, I’ll let you sleep in the hallway!”

“You will never get your wings with that attitude!” Harry shouts out, then quickly catches a glimpse of a secret smile on her face before the door is shut between them. That smile alone can keep him grinning at the entrance like an idiot, even a moment after she’s already gone.

...

“Thank you for looking after Jamie, Y/N.”

“No biggie.” Y/N smiles as she returns the little boy back to his mum then checks the watch on her wrist, it’s now 9PM, still too early for her to call it a night but already too late for her trick-or-treat companion. Jamie says goodbye to his babysitter then listens to his mum and goes to his room to change.

"How’s your date?” Y/N asks the young mum after his son’s left. She cannot help but stare at this woman’s sexy nurse costume, which is quite PG-13 for her six-year-old son, Y/N thinks to herself, but she won’t say that out loud of course.

“He was hot until he opened his mouth.” The woman rolls her eyes and leans a shoulder against the door. “Where’s your boyfriend?”

“Boyfriend?”

“The boy you brought here? The one you were handcuffed to?”

“Oh.” Y/N breathes out a laugh, and for some reason doesn’t bother to correct the lady’s false assumption. “He’s out with his friends.”

“And left you on your own on Halloween night when everyone out there is having sex?!”

Y/N immediately lowers her voice just in case Jamie can hear them. “Everyone’s having sex on Halloween night?”

“People tend to have lots of sex on special occasions, like New Year’s Eve, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Easter...”

Y/N widens her eyes.

“Aaaanyway, go get your man if you don’t want him to stick his dick in a random hole like my ex-husband did! That son of a bitch!” The young mum looks at the ceiling and heaves a sigh before turning back to the girl. “But make sure you’ve got the key before using those handcuffs again. Safety first, young lady!”

Y/N has to hold back her laughter as she thanks her upstairs neighbor for the ‘useful’ advice before heading back to the lift. Suddenly, a soft little voice stops her immediately.

“Y/N! Wait!”

Jamie runs past his mother toward Y/N, carrying his trick-or-treat bag. The boy hands it to her with both hands with a lovely smile on his face as he says, “here, have some more of my sweets!” 

The offer catches Y/N by surprise, she shakes her head fast. “No, no, you keep them all, I’ve got a bunch already, remember?”

“These aren’t all for you. Share them with Harry!”

“You remember Harry?” Y/N giggles as she accepts the bag from the kid who nods his head.

“Yeah and I miss him. You should bring him here next time and we can play good cop, bad cop again!” Jamie bounces on his feet and swings his arms in excitement. So as not to disappoint the boy, Y/N gives him her word, that she’ll bring Harry the next time she comes over to babysit him. 

“Wait, wait, there’s a card inside too! Open it!”

“A card?” Y/N chuckles as she searches through the bag and finds a colorful Halloween card, inside of which are a few simple words written in a six-year-old’s messy handwriting.

Happy Halloween! 

Bugs and Hisses, Jamie.

“Aww, thank you, J! I love this a lot, and I’m sure Harry will too!” Y/N replies and bends down to kiss the boy on the forehead, telling him goodnight, and also goodbye.

Now Y/N hopes she can make it on time to see her flatmate before Halloween is over and before Harry ends up in the warm bed of another girl.

...

Y/N takes an Uber to Alex’s place, which is a bit far from where she lives. It takes more than a fourty-five-minute drive to get there, all for this boy she likes so much who probably doesn’t even consider her as his friend! Thinking about that makes Y/N feel so stupid. 

Does she regret it? Yes. 

Does she still want to go? Definitely!

Normally she never shows up alone at a loud and crowded place, to be surrounded by people she doesn’t know. Call her boring or whatsoever, but she would prefer to stay in her comfort zone. That is why the moment Y/N opens the door to Alex’s flat, and is greeted by the deafening music and a room packed with sweaty and drunk people, her whole body stiffens all at once. 

It’s still not too late to walk out and go home then finish her night curled up in her bed enjoying a horror movies marathon. However, that’s not the option she’s going for tonight. She chooses to enter instead, pushing her way through the crowd to search for a familiar face and figure.

Then, she finds him at last. 

He’s just not alone.

Harry’s standing in the corner, pressing up against a girl in a tiny leopard print dress. His mouth is attached to hers, his eyes are closed as he’s enjoying the heated kiss like nothing else matters. The way his fingers dance across the skin of the girl’s thighs make Y/N feel so uncomfortable. 

She turns away, but she doesn’t want to leave. She would just be sad on the quiet drive back home so she might as well just be sad now in a room surrounded by other people and plenty of alcohol.

Y/N marches the counter at the back of the room where they keep the liquor then pours herself a glass, then stands with her back against the wall, watching drunk people making out, dancing like lunatics, and doing things they’re sure gonna regret when the morning comes. Then she feels thankful she’s not one of them.

“Well, well, well, looks who’s here!”

It’s going to be a lie if she says she’s not happy to hear his voice, but considering what she’s seen back there, Y/N does not wish to look at Harry’s face at the moment.

“Came all the way here for trick-or-treating?” he jokes and comes to stand beside her, leaning his back against the wall as well.

She just scoffs without looking at him. “Why are you here talking to me?”

“Because you’re standing alone? I deserve a thank you.”

She doesn’t reply. Harry starts to feel something is off because there’s only one explanation for her to act so coldly toward him and that is — he must have done something wrong.

“I thought you weren’t coming,” he says to her.

“I thought you came with Niall.” She shrugs and turns to look at him at last. “Who’s your date?”

“I don’t have a date.”

“You were sucking on her tongue a minute ago?”

“What? Are you jealous or something?”

“You wish!” Y/N snorts and crosses her arms in front of her chest, the thing she always does whenever she gets defensive. “I came because you sounded like you wanted me to. But here I am, alone at the back of the room as I expected.”

“I’m here with you now, aren’t I?” He playfully nudges her with his elbow but her expression stays unpleasant. “She’s not my date, I don’t even know her name!”

“Hey Harry!” Niall suddenly approaches the flatmates and he looks so stunned to see Y/N as well. “Why is Y/N here? I thought you came with Clarissa?”

“Ooooh, right, her name is Clarissa! See? I can’t even remember her name!” Harry fakes a nervous laugh but Y/N is not very amused with his lie. She brings the glass to her lips and gulps down the alcohol like it’s the only thing that keeps her sane at the moment. Niall and Harry exchange looks, neither dares to say a single word.

Then comes another one of Harry’s friends whom Y/N does not know, but let’s be real, Harry is probably friends with most of the people here.

“Hey guys, the party’s getting boring, let’s go!” the guy says in delight as he rubs his palms together. “Trix is sick, she cannot join us now we need another person.”

“Louis, how about Harry’s girlfriend?” Niall speaks up as he grabs Y/N by the arms and pushes her forward, toward this Louis guy. The seemingly older boy stares at the girl then his friend Harry, his eyes full of doubt.

“This is your girlfriend, Harold?”

“No!” Harry and Y/N deny at the same time.

“Okay then...” Louis squints his eyes and looks at Niall who secretly gives him a nod to confirm Harry’s and Y/N’s non-existent romantic relationship, as a result receives a death glare from Harry.

“Alright so now there are six of you, perfect, let’s go!” Louis says and turns to leave but Y/N’s hesitation stops him.

“Wait, go where?!” Is everybody here high or something? She thinks to herself.

“Wait for us in the car, I’ll explain it to her,” Harry tells his two friends, who agree and walk away to leave him behind with his bewildered flatmate. 

“Harry, what’s going on?”

“Nothing, it’s just a fun Halloween tradition our group came up with for Halloween.”

“Oh my God!” Y/N covers her mouth to hold back a loud gasp as she gazes at him with cow eyes. “Are...Are you in a cult?!”

“What?” Harry laughs quietly. He has a love/hate relationship with Y/N’s worst assumptions whenever she freaks out. “No, Y/N, we’re not.”

The answer makes Y/N sigh in relief and Harry can only think about how much he wants to kiss her because she looks so cute under this lighting. Still he has to shake off that thought, now is the least appropriate.

“Last year Niall suggested that it would be fun to do something scary on Halloween, so he came up with the idea that one person would dare the rest of us to do a challenge and the winner or winners would receive a prize from the host. Last year Niall made us do a scavenger hunt in a cemetery. This year it’s Louis’ turn to come up with the challenge. Don’t worry, love, it’s all safe.”

“What is the challenge this year?”

“I don’t know, you have to get to the destination to find out.”

“Then how do you know it’s safe?!”

“It is! Trust me,” Harry chuckles and reaches out to grab her hand. “I’m not going to let anything bad happen to you. You’ve got to trust me.”

His voice sounds so soothing, it makes her wonder if he really does care about her or he just wants her participation in this because they’re missing one member, either way, it works. She cannot say no when he’s giving her that look and holding her hand so gently.

Eventually, Y/N nods her head, receiving a smile from her flatmate in return.

“If I die tonight, I’ll become a ghost and haunt you for the rest of your life.”

Her warning leaves a grin on his face. “Good. You’re already dressed like a ghost.”

“You must think you’re funny but you’re not.” Y/N glares at him as they head to the front door. 

She’s too worried about this game with his group of friends to notice that he’s still holding her hand. Harry, on the other note, is well aware of that, still he’s very much enjoying it, and he just can’t wait to show her the real fun of Halloween.

PART 2

[mikazukikannagisjourney]

Spiritual Log August 9 2019

I was very surprised at the responses to my Lion's Gate 8/8 post, thank you all so much. Sending you all 💖 right now, and maybe later too. Thank you, I hope it served you well. I rarely ever get any note on these posts so I don't know if any of my info transmissions help anybody at all, but lately I guess the messages get received by those most in need, so thank you for the responses. 😊 So anyways... This post is mostly what shifted for me a few hours ago while the portal was still at its peak. For those who haven't done so, no worries, though, the 8/8 lion's gate energies will be active until the 12th, so if you need to cleanse and heal your energetic bodies and systems, you can do more till that day, because the amplified energies can wash away more of the old and icky stuff than regular days. If you want to really do shifts, I suggest doing the clearings from Sunday to Monday, along with your strong intentions of attaining your best and highest vibration. I support you in your higher spiritual evolution goals! 😊

Warning:long post ahead. You have been warned. With 💓😅

OK, so I was gonna post this as soon as it happened but I just finished meditating the Magic Mantra (Ek Ong Kar Sat Gur Prasad) and I didn't wanna ruin the moment or my manifestations so I just treaded and went straight to Reiki healing and listening to subliminal stuff. (You can check out my previous post on July 6 if you're interested in what I am doing at the moment. Intense stuff 😅). The following are the events that lead to what happened this morning as I was using the remaining energies of 8/8.

For the past few days since the Lion's gate portal opened around July 26, I had the strong urge to meditate and clear as much energies from my body as possible. I wasn't watching any video or reading much posts, it was just intuition, so I forgot to post that Lion's gate portal was gonna start opening. Maybe next year I'll post a reminder too. *fingers crossed* The feelings started to flood in, the really intense, horrible pangs of my wounds, mostly the loneliness and abandonment and poverty mindset issues, they came in quite strong, but I just did whatever I can to face them, ask if they were mine and then transmute accordingly (spoiler alert: 50% of the time they weren't, so I just told them to go back to where they came from, with conviction. If they leave ASAP, they're not yours to begin with. Also, congratulations on learning you're an empath, my friend.😆). When I say transmute though, it just means letting them go, either through

Talking them out of your body (if the feelings are not that intense) or

Crying them out, loud and hard, and really feeling the feelings out (if they're persistent AF and apparently they were yours lol)

I wanted to cry them out but I couldn't (because I haven been repressing so much stuff) so I just tried meditating actively (I recommend kundalini yoga for this, the mantra and the limb actions can be a workout, like my arms get sore a lot after these sessions, so yeah, two birds with one stone 😄). I also kept reciting the Mul Mantra till the end of July, as well as listening to subliminals and doing Reiki (I listen to other people's Reiki videos, I channel the energy myself, or just do a combo by channeling Reiki as well as receiving some from other people. I may post something about that later *puts it in reminders along with a zillion stuff lol). I guess the combination of doing a lot of stuff helped me ground better and lets me become an observer to my feelings and emotions, because seriously I just can't deal with low vibes while I'm enjoying my alone time, which weirdly has been getting more and more frequent.

Not that I hate being alone though, but because each time I do fun stuff by myself, and right when I'm really having the fun settle in, a strong wave of loneliness rushes in, and that really makes zero sense. ZERO SENSE, RIGHT?? So either it was my deep wounds of loneliness, neglect, abandonment and rejection that were still lingering in my systems, or I was tuning in to someone else's stuff, albeit strongly. It became annoying AF when I was reviewing my Japanese language lessons and pretty much learning a lot of stuff, when images, visions, smells, sounds, stuff like that kept popping in my head, then the feelings of loneliness, sadness, those things. It was pretty distracting and annoying. It came to a point when I was tired 4 hours after waking up that I finally stood up for myself and said "Whoever *tf* is siphoning my energies, go back to where you came from and stay *tf* away from me!" That really shook me awake, the second I finished hollering it loudly in my head I woke up with a start. I literally became alert, awake, alive, enthusiastic, like wth just happened.

This morning though, around 2AM just when I was halfway through my lessons the strong feelings of despair, sadness, loneliness, and everything else in between came again. The whole thing was so intense, it was actually scary. And it wasn't fear-based too, like I was really trying hard to fend it off but apparently,

The feelings were almost all mine

The energies were tremendously strong

I had a strong urge to flush energies out

I felt I was gonna die if I didn't do it

I had to rush my lessons just to get to it right away. (Thank goodness I still know how to conjugate verbs, or else).

I immediately started meditating like crazy, with a strong intent to release everything that has been preventing me from being my best self. I tuned in, started chanting, and then started doing Reiki, then subliminals before dozing off. Honestly midway through chanting Ek Ong Kar Sat Gur Prasad I was already feeling calm and at ease, the feelings went from a scale of "If I don't do this I'm gonna die" to "Heck yeah I don't mind dying right now" I was around the "Meh" mark, which is not that bad. But really, the feeling of danger really was there, I don't know why, if it's a collective thing because of so many things that have been happening lately, or if I was tuning in to my own darkness and I really had to flush it out. It was a scary AF experience and the fact that it sorta went away was pretty mind-blowing. But I'm not saying I had fun here. Not that diving into spirituality is all fun anyway. The sucky stuff has to appear so these can be released back to Source.

So these were the summed-up experiences of my energy clearings and healings so far. Apart from intense dreams, having broken sleeping patterns, and weird eating habits, I guess this is how my spiritual journey is for me, at this point in time. Honestly I just wanted to go to Mount Fuji but apparently the spiritual gunk that I had to release was just as huge, maybe even higher. *siiiiigh*

Well, I guess this is my partial log for doing my clearings, I may be around the 60-day mark now, but I feel like I havn't done much since I did skip some days due to flu and other stuff. I will still do my best to clear out stuff, the Lion's gate portal may soon end but there are still equinoxes and solstices so there are still many energetic portals coming soon so might as well do the clearings and healings. I may update or I may post other stuff, because I still have some stuff to write here, especially the tough love info transmissions.

Thank you for reaching this part, I hope this post was worth your while. Sending you love and hugs from Source above.

Mikazuki

三日月🌙

P.S. If you have any questions with whatever I posted here, please send a message or comment below. 😊

P.S.S. I may start posting Reiki-infused photos in here, I was inspired to. But still thinking what photos though. Please let me know what you think. 😊 Thank you!