#anyway i have therapy on friday
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I'm as atheistic as they come but i look at all the religious groups out there (including christians which is how I was raised) who are being inclusive and in some cases speaking out for queer rights and then i look at my mother and think she's certainly made some choices in her life
#like it's not 'well that's how she is' or 'that's all she knows'#she continues to actively choose this subset of her faith that's selfish and hypocritical and sees queer people as lost freaks#that must be pitied#it is in fact possible to make different choices#anyway i have therapy on friday#alex txt
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Every time I have a random day off, all I can think about is how much happier and more put together I'd be if we had four-day work weeks.
And not "sure, you can have a four-day week, but you still need to put in 40 hours in a week."
Just. Four days. Get your work done. Sign off when it's done, don't feel obligated to fill the rest of your day just to say that you did.
Imagine.
#emynn.op#personal#I'm lucky my work does half day Fridays BUT it DOES come with the assumption you're still doing about 40 hours#and when I first started there it was a godsend#and it IS still nice#makes it easier to book appointments or leave early for long weekends etc#but in general.....idk 'shut down at 12' quickly becomes 'just let me finish this one thing after lunch'#and then I have therapy Friday afternoons now so usually I'm still not mentally done until 5#but idk#Saturday was a rot day mixed with some holiday baking#Sunday I did a lot of chores but wasn't stressing#today I did more chores and holiday prep#and my house looks SO MUCH BETTER than it has in ages????#I've crossed things off my to do list that have been languishing there for weeks???#just imagine if I had this extra day every week#the pile up of 'oh I'll do this when I have more time/energy' would be so much less#anyway#ANYWAY. capitalism#kill it
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therapy is wild because she'll tell me something like "you're really good at analyzing things in your brain but i want you to let yourself feel your feelings in your body too" like it's nothing and i'm sat there absolutely dumbfounded because shit she's right
#she also very bluntly told me that i don't have to feel bad for wanting space to exist as my authentic self#and i was like 'well yeah that makes sense'#AND THEN SHE WAS LIKE 'you say it makes sense but you don't act like it makes sense.'#anyway therapy is great and helpful genuinely but why am i faced with the mortifying ordeal of being known every friday morning#probably too tmi#might delete later might forget it exists who knows#personal#far too personal tbh
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hi everyone, this is my monthly check-in <3
#not feeling so great lately...there's a lesion on my other knee now#and it most likely is cancer.#they want me to wait another 10 days for an mri???? like ur crazy#if u think i can wait that long.#sighhhhhhhhh.#anyway.#some cool things have happened#like spending all day in nyc with my partner on friday <3333#and um. i did wnt to vent about smth so uh.#ED tw#lately#my energy has been too low for me to wanna cook. which in turn made my stomach shrink a LOT#since i've been surviving by grazing on snacks.#and i didnt even realize i lost weight until i went to the doctor.#i didnt realize though that it would be even MORE lost when i weighed myself without my winter clothes#and uhhhh. i currently weigh what i weighed in my senior year of high school#which is the FIRST time i've been under a certain number in over SIX YEARS.#and i havent struggled at all w body negativity or ED thoughts in over a couple years. but.#now that my ideal gender expression has shifted more to the feminine side. and now that ive lost weight.#my brain INSTANTLY latched onto that#and was like omg YES do more of that#and it feels nice. this time im FINALLY not struggling to suppress my appetite!!! my body is doing that for me!#and obviously im still eating enough to live on#but still a huge caloric deficit. and rn my wheelchair shit keeps breaking on me. my mobility company is INCOMPETENT.#and my insurance might tell me i have to wait FIVE MORE YEARS for another type of chair......I WILL DIE BY THEN.#ugh everything is so complicated now. and im ALWAYS exhausted bc the sun sets at 4:30. i've just stopped binging and i replaced it with+#a LOT. of retail therapy. i've easily spent probably 1500 of my credit limit in the last 2 months. but you know.#that and not eating are 2 of the ONLY things i can control rn. out of all the fucking bullshit these useless people and my body put me thru#anyway. i'm sure you can tell how i feel rn. i'm just going to try doing anything else today.#vent
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If I'm right in assuming that is Rei's silhouette then i have to ask. What does he have such a slutty waist for? For other men (me) to hold?
#I FINALLY HAVE TIME TO WATCH THE NEW EPISODES#you guys don't understand how angsty ive been without it#but it had been a really REALLY busy week for me#with my inability to keep track of the passage of time and the anxiety of my country being on the verge of civil unrest#I SIMPLY FORGOT LMAO CAUSE I THOUGHT FRIDAY WAS LIKE WEDNESDAY OR SOME THING#anyways im here for weekly therapy so lessgoooo#buddy daddies#episode 8#rei suwa is so babygirl to me actually
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Had my first ever papsmear and that was #Uncomfortable but it's important to my health so I did it anyways
Being a responsible adult is hard 😑
#speculation nation#all the lyfts r so busy rn i think bc classes are in session#so here i am at the hospital waiting for a more expensive than normal lyft#need to get my damned license already smh#the sucky thing is i still have another doctor's appointment this week!!!! on friday!!!!!!#and i have therapy in an hour. less than that now.#ive been having too many damn appointments in my pursuit of diagnosing all my shit and also general upkeep#oh yeah apparently i have PCOS. lol. not too severe but it's there.#andddddd im starting birth control to help level out my hormones and periods and whatever#OH YEAH I LOST MY WATER BOTTLE!!!!!! im so sad about that actually bc ive had that for several years now#and im in a hospital and i do not like hospitals. historically very awful experiences in these fucking places.#ue ue ue (sound of me crying)(im making it sound joking but im actually rather unhappy rn)#and ummmmmm aside from that i had a presentation this morning. it went fine.#anyways thats my day so far including my medical information. youre welcome lmfao#still more normal than 'omg i know how big my liver is now' tho probably 😂😂😂😂
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i should be at home writing and instead i got dragged to a bar because if i dont mantain a semblance of social life i will go insane even if going insane is certainly better than feeling how i feel now completely cut out and not inside my body
#i dont have enough money to drink all the alcohol i'd need#i mean#anyway#i got the therapy session in 2 years on friday so#not for the alcohol thing#which btw is not a problem per se bc i got no more money to spend on extra stuff#and like#yes im going to therapy bc i keep dissociating#which idk i wouldnt call dissociating. more like. detatching from my body#im so tired#of like. all of it. life
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My therapist had to cancel tomorrow and I'm not...it's not great timing. I mean it always sucks if she cancels but I just. I'm not. A real person right now. Idk how to explain it but. This is not Ideal.
#text post#my post#i mean it's fine and i'm the luckiest most spoiled patient ever anyway#bc i have therapy 3x a week and will see her on thursday#so it's stupid to complain#but! sometimes the friday to tuesday gap even though it's only a few days is difficult for me#and to have that extend a bit further when we've been dealing with some particularly complicated stuff is hard#last week all three sessions were really really intense and we didn't finish the topic they were on#and i had specific important Things to Talk About Tomorrow#whatever. i can make it until thursday. i will not actually dissolve into mist even though it feels that way
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My colleague found my secateurs 🥳
#yay!!#oddly I’m still worried he’s annoyed at me for not being fast enough on Friday but I just need to chill#he didn’t even tell me off he just said ‘it shouldn’t take that long’ and not even as a reprimand#it was just stated as a fact/suggestion#a huge part of gardening is learning what standards are acceptable in the time given for whoever it is your working for#and I find that hard because I like to make sure everything is neat and also that I’m not crushing or destroying other plants#whereas on Friday my colleague was raking up clipping without care for what was underneath#and without picking everything up#so ofc he did it a lot faster than me#oh well#this has been making me anxious all weekend it’s so stupid lol#he’s also just very highly strung I should care less#my boss certainly doesn’t care#anyway !#I feel a bit better now#sometimes you have to self therapy in the tags to stop yourself spiralling
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This one is titled "I needed to urgently work on a presentation* so instead**, I somehow spent my whole day doing fuck all instead and the evening listening to Laura's Buam and consequently experiencing the whole spectrum of human emotions over the span of like, four to six songs" and goes out to @mondscheinprinzessin, naturally, for dragging me into this band.
#* for a subject I actively hate with a burning passion#**knowing it will lead to me crying for the x-th time this semester over being stressed and losing#my last bits of motivation for my studies that I once was very passionate about + general other life stuff i can't cope with anymore#the first one means i read the wikipedia page of passau and we all know once you google stuff related to the band but unrelated to#their music it's all over#i'm so glad i know fuck all about them otherwise or i'd be stopping myself from hopping on over to ao3#i'd love to know what makes me want to read/write fanfic about a band or book or show or whatever.#with blind channel it was there very quickly; with lost society i still don't care; with bojan/käärija i'm interested in the authors more#than the fics; and with lonely spring it's like hmmmm. no urge to look if there's fanfic about them found anywhere in my brain.#anyway laura tell your buam to stop making sad music! they have to stop with these far too relatable lyrics!#should i just print this out and take it to my therapy appointment on friday?#mine#lauras buam#lonely spring#ich hab gedacht passau wär ne großstadt aber nein da wohnen 50.000 leute und es ist halb so groß wie dornbirn und#nur viermal so groß wie mein dorf ☠#und ein viertel von den leuten sind studenten. die stadt muss im sommer so tot sein wie innsbruck#PASSAU IST KLEINER ALS INNSBRUCK. 35 KM^2 KLEINER. wtf. how. warum hab ich gedacht das wär ne großstadt#aber ich könnte vor meiner haustür in den inn hüpfen und mich bis passau treiben lassen. laura pspsps wie wärs mit passau auf der nächsten#tour statt augsburg? die stadt liegt genau an einem großen fluss bzw zusammenlauf von drei flüssen mit drei verschiedenen farben
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damn i'm realizing that i've really made it basically impossible for myself to watch a whole bayern match until. october. do i hate myself subconsciously or something
#i COULD watch next weekend's but i wish it weren't the topspiel#because my best friend is visiting so i'd feel bad being like... let's stay at home until 1:30 because i want to watch football#but maybe he'll want to watch or go on a run or something. we'll see#and i have therapy on fridays so i'll miss the first half of the leverkusen game#unless i move therapy which i might bc i REALLY want to see how we do against leverkusen#then i'm on a plane during the bochum match :(#and on a road trip w my family for the whole of the next week#so definitely missing the first pokal match bc i'll be hiking in the mountains somewhere#possibly i could watch leipzig in the car IF there's reception#oh fuck and then i'm at a wedding the weekend after so i'll also be in a car during freiburg#fuck me i will not be able to normally watch a bayern match until october 21 😭#bc the ucl matches are also always inconvenient lol#i hate when they always make us the sunday game or the topspiel let us play the early saturday kickoff!#anyway. this is way too much detail about my life. i'm just complaining#bella things
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I need things to stop HAPPENING
#nothing's wrong i just seem unable to catch my breath#i work for eight hours and then i have something almost every night when i get home#movie nights or social nights or volunteering nights or nights where i just can't do anything because i had therapy that day#don't get me started on weekends#i volunteer for 2-4 hours on Saturday mornings and i have hangouts on Saturday afternoons and DND on Sundays#and that's without counting any of the many variable things that i may attend on a Saturday#pride is this weekend and don't get me wrong I'm really looking forward to going#but i need like 3 days where i sit in my house and no one asks me to go anywhere#i want to make as many of the volunteer things as i can bc it only happens for about 18 weeks out of the year and there's only 12 left#what about Thursday and Friday you ask? Thursday is also volunteering#because that is when the miniature horses have their classes and what am i supposed to do? NOT go help with miniature horses???#fridays are usually clear except for the occasional hangout#i don't know why i can't seem to keep a balance in my life#es dificil#anyway i have to leave for work thirty minutes early today so i can make it to the barn in time to get the minis ready#yesterday i had to leave two hours early because i had an anxiety attack that lasted well over two hours and persisted through a nap#where is the balance.... i enjoy doing all these things... but my energy doesn't....#anyway i need a rich person to decide I'm entertaining and sponsor me so i only have to work part time and i can do my funny little arts#that seems realistic right?
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sooo my brother showed up. and we got into an argument. and then after he left me and my mom got into a fight about my comments about him following his exit. and then both me and my mom cried. and now its 1am and things are fine now but jesus christ. also i had almost half a pie which was a bad idea because it's 1:30am now and im not sleepy at all. sigh.
#ahvañe#i originally typed out like 10 paragraphs explaining what happened but. just pasted it in#my journal to talk about in therapy and cut it down. idk its not worth it to go back into it. but im tired of being angry at him#and im tired of having to accomedate him when hes been cruel to me and never apologized#and im sick of being the one expected to be civil when HES the one being shitty but thats just how the cookie crumbles ig#jesus christ. what day is it anyway. saturday? thursday? friday? idk.#i feel so shitty about upsetting my mom though. that i DO regret. and feel awful for. that much i will say.
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sometimes i’m reminded that trauma can cause severe anxiety.
like i constantly wonder where this debilitating anxiety comes from and then i’m reminded “oh shit i have cPTSD, severe anxiety literally comes from the fact that i’ve been through hell on earth”
like, omg no way anxiety didn’t just sprout out of the concrete and slap me in the face because god hated me??? that’s insane
#cptsd thoughts#just cptsd things#can this be considered trauma dumping???#idk it’s 3am and i’m delirious and going crazy#i’m so shattered and fragile it’s crazy i’m even surviving#parents will do that to ya kids#why do all the shitty parents have kids?? like bro you really think your kids will turn out fine?? LOOK AT URSELF#anyways i have therapy on friday so i’ll be good soon folks#plus an extra meeting with my sister for some sibling trauma bonding#it’s as if god blindly threw a dart and when it hit me he declared ‘20 points!’ and then continued on
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CLARI BBY WHEN ARE WE GETTING A NEW GOJO FIC?
HEHEHE I DUNNO ANON BB uhhh i’ll probably feel like working on it when season two starts airing!!! i have a great idea for a gojo fic that i love so much that i definitely do want to finish,,, at some point,,,,,, hoping seeing him animated again will help motivate me to get it done!
#fingers crosseddddd#unfortunately my brain can only focus on one hyperfixation at a time#maybe one and a half if i really really try#like i really want to pick up a few of my bnha wips while also still being in this intense bsd fixation so#that’s my goal atm#i’m predicting that season 2 will throw me headlong back into a jjk hyperfixation#just tryna learn how to juggle my interests LMAO#maybe this is something to bring up in therapy#anyway! yeah! sorry i don’t rly have an answer! but hopefully in the summer haha#we shall see#i also have a lot of anime cons to go to this summer which may jumpstart it as well#hope ur having an awesome friday anon!#enjoy ur weekend n stay safe + hydrated!!#inky.bb#clari gets mail#inky.jjk#i am trying so hard to get this blog ORGANIZED LMAO#with tags i mean#so it’s easier to navigate esp for those only here for one anime
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#pls forgive a grumpy tags post#my husband is something like aroace#so we've been trying an open relationship so i can get my sex needs fulfilled#he doesn't really want to hear about what i do#but then complains about me lying by omission basically#on Friday i told him i was going to a “naked game night”#came back and he was upset that it was actually like a sex party and i had been with multiple people#i was like#tf you thought it was going to be????#so anyway now he has closed our relationship#which i will get over i guess#good thing i have therapy tomorrow 😬
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