#anyway i am unwell about them and rambling

[mysteriouspersonrambles]

Stimming isn’t enough I need to explode

[happi-tree]

midnight (close to you)

Taylor ❤️‍🔥                  just now u up

Lincoln grimaces at the 03:27 in bold numbers across the top of his screen before swiping on the message and unlocking his phone to type out a quick reply. 

Me                  Yeah. 

Lincoln is no stranger to seeing Taylor up at weird hours, but as he glances at past messages (filled on Taylor’s part with lots of exclamation points and cutesy little emotes), he suddenly feels a bit more awake. 

A chat bubble appears below, animated dots appearing and disappearing as he waits. 

Taylor ❤️‍🔥                   🕯️?

Me                  On it.

Or: Taylor has a bad night, and Lincoln tries his best to make it more bearable.

ao3

Swiftli time, lovebirds!!! Here’s my fic for day 5: demons/nightmares. Like days 1 and 3, this is part of the supernatural au @llumimoon, @kaseyskat, and I planned out together. Hope you enjoy!

(Title taken from "Sleep-walking" by Dreamcatcher).

Lincoln Li-Wilson is tossing and turning in a vain attempt at sleep when his phone buzzes.

Blearily, he wipes at his eyes as he focuses on the screen, wincing at the sudden brightness.

Taylor ❤️‍🔥                  just now

u up

Lincoln grimaces at the 03:27 in bold numbers across the top of his screen before swiping on the message and unlocking his phone to type out a quick reply. 

Me                 

Yeah. 

Lincoln is no stranger to seeing Taylor up at weird hours, but as he glances at past messages (filled on Taylor’s part with lots of exclamation points and cutesy little emotes), he suddenly feels a bit more awake. 

A chat bubble appears below, animated dots appearing and disappearing as he waits. 

Taylor ❤️‍🔥                  

🕯️?

Me                 

On it.

Lincoln pushes himself out of bed, making his way over to turn on his fairy lights (a joke gift from Normal, tiny pairs of butterfly wings casting the room in warm-tinted pinpricks of light) and opens one of his dresser drawers, pulling out the components he needs.

Next to go is the area rug, rolled up and pushed to the side to uncover the large pentagram painted into the floor, encircled by runes Lincoln had checked and double-checked, written in Taylor’s steady hand. 

He places the red taper candles in the direction of each of the four winds, scatters coarse salt atop the inked circle (a formality at this point, but he can never be too careful). He fumbles with the lighter, trying a few times before remembering to shut off the ceiling fan. 

Lincoln makes sure to crack the door open (the increasingly invasive questions from both of his dads had been downright embarrassing the last time they did this and he is not in the mood for a repeat experience). They won’t mind, he knows.

Besides, there are many worse things a teenage boy like Lincoln could be doing than ritually summoning a demon. Half-demon. Whatever. 

At each point of the star, he places small offerings: an unopened box of strawberry crunch Pocky; a Garfield plush (which he deeply hopes Taylor will give back to him, since it’s one of his favorites); a room-temperature Ramune; a sparkly sticker; a homemade charm bracelet (no iron or silver, of course, warded for protection and serenity). 

In the very center of the pentagram, Lincoln carefully places the Hatsune Miku keychain Taylor had lent him for this exact purpose.

Lincoln pricks his finger and lets a drop of blood fall to the outer edge of the circle, lets the sizzle of it drown out the soft mutterings of the incantation.

Five pinpricks of flame flare higher, brighter, and brilliant ribbons of fire spread outward to conjoin in the center of the circle. Lincoln watches warily as the ball of flame grows and grows, expanding outward and beginning to color with the reddish-magenta hue of his friend’s aura, casting the room in stark maroon shadows.

Before his eyes, the blaze grows brighter, burns hotter, practically pushing at the bounds of its ink-carved confinement, and Lincoln feels the heat lick at his face, warm against his cheeks.

As suddenly as it began, the light is extinguished, revealing the hunched pajama-clad form of Taylor amidst the embers and smoke, the faint cerise glow around him fading until he’s backlit by Lincoln’s fairy lights.

It’s an enchanting sight, normally, one that Lincoln cherishes, but not when Taylor’s glancing down at the painted floorboards with glossed-over eyes, trembling slightly.

“Hey,” Lincoln says, breaking the line of salt with a nudge of his socked foot, crawling forward until their knees touch.

A single, long strand of Taylor’s fringe is still aflame, so Lincoln leans inward and pinches it gently between his thumb and forefinger and extinguishes it with a hiss.

“Taylor,” Lincoln calls, voice hushed in the night but hopefully loud enough to get through to him. He tucks the midnight-dark strand behind the delicate, reddened point of Taylor’s ear.

When he doesn’t respond, doesn’t look up, worry settles further in his stomach, a leaden weight.

His hand cups his best friend’s face, carefully guiding upward until Taylor meets his gaze.

Glazed-over and deeply tired, Taylor stares blinkingly at him for a moment, eyes welling with tears.

“Hey,” Lincoln tries again, “what’s going o-” The air is knocked out of him in a quiet oof as Taylor lunges forward into his chest. He’s uncomfortably warm to the touch in such a way that would burn most people but only leaves Lincoln with a tingling sensation, kind of like sitting by a fireplace for a bit too long. He can feel the fabric of his sleep shirt growing wet where Taylor’s buried his face into his shoulder, and his arms come around to encircle his friend instinctively. 

“You’re burning up,” Lincoln frets as he touches the back of his hand to Taylor’s forehead. It feels like stretching his hands out over a bonfire rather than a candle, like usual, and he frowns at the way the heat pushes angrily against his wardings, making his hand glow a barely-perceptible gold. He frowns even deeper when Taylor only wriggles further into his arms, making a sad, distressed sort of sound.

Lincoln notices the way Taylor presses his ear into the left side of his chest, pushing against him like he’s searching out his heartbeat, and something in him twists a little. 

This floor can’t be comfortable for him, especially not when he’s shaking and breathing unevenly. 

Lincoln looks behind him, opens more of the salt circle with his bare foot, knocks over a crimson candle in the process.

Whatever, he’ll clean it up in the morning. 

“Gonna pick you up now, okay?” Lincoln murmurs, ducking his head so he doesn’t have to speak too loud and making sure to keep his voice slow and steady and reassuring.

Taylor nods against him, and Lincoln allows himself a shadow of a smile. 

“Good,” he says, and adjusts his hold, sliding one arm under Taylor’s knees and another along his back (beneath his shoulder blades, just in case). Something thin and warm coils itself around his forearm and squeezes, and Lincoln doesn’t need to look to know that Taylor’s wrapped his tail around him for support as his clawed hands scramble for purchase on his upper back. The fabric of Lincoln’s shirt shreds a little, but as always, Taylor’s scratching doesn’t manage to break through the latent magic just atop his skin. 

“Up we go!” Lincoln says, and Taylor clings to him even tighter as he holds his smaller friend aloft, carrying them both to his twin XL bed and depositing Taylor as gracefully as he can.

Which isn’t very graceful at all, since Taylor refuses to let go of him.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Lincoln soothes - or at least tries to. “I’m not going anywhere, I promise. I just need you to let me go, ‘kay?”

Taylor shakes his head, mumbling something almost inaudible into his chest.

“What was that?” he says, even though he knows he heard the muffled no, not again the first time.

“Can’t,” Taylor says instead, leaving Lincoln leaning awkwardly over the edge of the bed, feeling oddly cold despite the feverish boy in his arms. 

“Okay,” Lincoln mutters, shifting his hold a little (because while Taylor is relatively easy to pick up, soccer has, admittedly, not done much for his arm strength). “Can I move my hand so you can hold it, maybe? So I can be next to you?”

Taylor hums in the affirmative, so Lincoln slides a hand from beneath his friend’s back, and Taylor takes it the second it’s offered, clutching it with clawed fingers like a lifeline as Lincoln climbs into the narrow bed beside him.

That doesn’t last long, though, because Taylor is quick to throw an arm across Link’s shoulders and drape his leg across Lincoln’s own in a strange, full body half-hug. 

Lincoln hums a little in concern, worry pulling at his brow. Taylor really must not be feeling well with the way that every point of contact between them burns the tiniest bit, despite the layers and layers of enchantments and wards and immunities that have woven themselves into Lincoln’s cells.

Taylor’s head buries just below Link’s jaw, the way Normal tends to do when he’s feeling needy or sad and wants their pack’s scent around him. His horns, still growing by the day, clip against the side of Lincoln’s face harmlessly as he shuffles into him. 

Lincoln takes a minute to marvel at the close bond he has with his friends that defies human description. To go from having nobody his own age to talk to, much less be around, to having three people who care about him - despite rocky introductions - who love him enough to call him family, to be pack, to choose him, to come to him for comfort and camaraderie, to want him… it’s a lot.

 Sometimes, if Lincoln thinks about it too hard, the way his friends give him affection so freely - the way Normal nearly tackles him to the ground with the force of his hug and calls him by Name when the world gets to be too much, the way Scary leans into him without hesitation, the way Taylor curls into him now without reigning in his infernal traits - he could almost cry.

Taylor’s tail wraps around Lincoln’s waist, steadfast and needy, the spaded tip of it thumping irregularly against Lincoln’s side. 

They rest like that for several moments that seem simultaneously like an instant and like they stretch on into eternity, eons passing with each movement of Lincoln’s fingers through Taylor’s sleep-mussed hair.

Since Lincoln can’t really look at Taylor without craning his neck awkwardly, he chooses a spot on the ceiling to stare at, reveling in the feeling of Taylor cuddling up against him and taking obviously deep, slow breaths so that Taylor can match them. The heat at his side slowly abates from almost-singeing to a comforting warmth, and just as slowly, Taylor’s breath evens out from where it fans against his neck.

Lincoln lets the relative silence wash over him, waiting.

“Link?” Taylor asks, voice slightly muffled. 

(Taylor’s lips brush against the side of Lincoln’s throat in a way that makes his breath catch, sends his heart fluttering in his chest, but that’s not something he wants to think too hard about right now.)

“Yeah?” he responds quietly, and thankfully his voice doesn’t sound too strangled as he whispers.

“Thanks.” Taylor doesn’t look up, doesn’t let go, but he’s relaxed more fully into Lincoln’s side rather than grasping in a desperate panic. 

“Anytime, man.” It’s amazing, the way Taylor’s presence can warm him from the inside out without even trying, without even factoring in his demonic abilities.

Lincoln doesn’t press for answers. 

At this point, he doesn’t really need to. It’s become something of a routine for them over the past few months - whenever Taylor is left in an empty house and craves company, whenever Lincoln is feeling a little too cold, whenever sleep eludes them, the summoning circle is there, just to the side of Lincoln’s bed, and suddenly, things are a little less lonely.

Sometimes, Taylor wants to talk. Sometimes, he keeps to himself, and Lincoln tries not to let it worry him too much.

Anxiety meds are great for that, but the haunted look in his friends’ eyes is an unknown that Lincoln can’t protect them from, can only try his best to understand, fumbling and human as he is. 

“I, uh. Had a bad dream,” Taylor starts, tucking his head out of Lincoln’s neck to face him.

Ah. Tonight falls in the former category, then.

“Yeah?” Lincoln hears himself say, though he had figured as much.

“Yeah. Really, uh. Really bad.”

Taylor’s voice sounds so small in the mostly-dark quiet of the room. 

Lincoln squeezes their hands, still conjoined, a tiny, wordless reassurance.

“You’re safe now,” Lincoln tells him. “My dad’s warded this entire house like crazy.”

Taylor scoffs. “Yeah, like I could forget after the first time you snuck me in.”

“I thought we agreed we would never talk about that again,” Lincoln responds, mock-shuddering.

“You begged me not to bring it up, I promised nothing. Not the same thing.”

Lincoln likes seeing Taylor’s smile again, even if it’s just the barest flash of fang glinting in the soft glow of his distant fairy lights. Even when it fades a few seconds later.

Taylor’s tail squeezes around Lincoln’s middle, and Lincoln brings a hand to rest on his shoulder.

“Hey,” He murmurs. “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere, I won’t let anything hurt you.”

Taylor laughs again, but it’s a shaky, mirthless sound, this time.

“I know you wouldn’t,” He says quietly. Then, “You didn’t, in my dream. You, uh, died.”

“Oh,” Lincoln says.

“Didn’t wanna bother you with it, but you were awake, and it’s stupid, but…” Taylor’s voice trails off.

Lincoln exhales, holds his friend closer.

“I wouldn’t wanna lose you, either,” he says, pressing a kiss to the top of his head, just between his horns.

Taylor’s warmth flares in his hold, just a little bit, and the corners of Lincoln’s lips turn up a fraction. Even despite everything, his best friend is incredibly easy to fluster. 

“There were… hunters,” he mumbles, looking down at Lincoln’s orange-and-black striped comforter, grasping for his hands and fidgeting with their loosely-locked fingers to distract Lincoln (and maybe himself, too) from the way his shoulders still tremble. “They were coming for us - Norm, Scary, Hermie. Me.”

Something in Lincoln’s stomach feels like it just twisted, and pressure builds behind his eyes - half-exhaustion, half-sorrow.

“Taylor - hey, Tay, look at me, please?”

Lincoln sees the way that Taylor’s downturned, red-tinged mahogany eyes brim with tears, threatening to spill over onto his cheeks.

Lincoln gently extricates a hand from Taylor’s grasp, brings it to rest under his chin, tilting it upward until they are face to face again and he can peer into his eyes.

Taylor’s eyes have a fire lit behind them, one he’s always noticed in the back of his mind before either of them were aware of his demonic heritage. It’s captivating, the way that they catch in the light, spark to match the bright burn of Taylor’s convictions. Again and again, they’ve drawn Lincoln in like a moth to a flame, crimson-brown-black and enchanting in an entirely different way than anything of the fae.

Lincoln thinks he would jump into the fire and set himself ablaze if it meant that he would never have to see the light behind his eyes shrink to the pinpricks that he sees now.

Hot tears stream down Taylor’s cheeks, silent except for the small hiss the droplets make as they hit the fabric of Lincoln’s bedspread.

Lincoln thumbs the rest away as Taylor leans into the affection, catlike, and the thing in Lincoln’s stomach writhes again.

“Taylor,” he says again, “Look at me.”

Dark eyelashes flutter open, and Taylor looks so, so tired, so haunted.

(Lincoln’s seen that look before on the face of someone else he loves, and he’d give anything to never see it on either of them again.)

“I need you to listen to me.”

Lincoln has… a hard time making eye contact, sometimes, but this is important, so he stares into his friend’s eyes, doesn’t back off or let his gaze slide away. 

“You know my family wouldn’t let that happen. That - my dad - it’s his whole thing, you know?”

“Your dad wasn’t there,” Taylor says. “Just you.”

“Then I wouldn’t let that happen. You know I wouldn’t, if it came down to it.”

“I know,” Taylor replies, miserably. “That’s the problem.”

Oh.

“The jackass - in my dream, y’know - the guy that shot you, you know what he said? He said that it was a shame that he had to waste a silver bullet on a pesky human. That it was sad that we’d, like, magicked you into siding with us. Which was so fucked up and I - I couldn’t move, I was so angry. And scared, god, I was terrified, and Norm and Scary were, too, and then it all went black, and-”

“And you woke up?” Lincoln guessed.

“Yeah,” Taylor says. “Nearly melted my phone trying to text you.”

Lincoln frowns, scooches closer to him. Rests a hand on Taylor’s cheek, leans in to press their foreheads together.

Taylor’s horns poke uncomfortably against his skull, but Lincoln ignores it - besides, with all of the immunities he’s built up, the pain barely registers.

“I’m here,” Lincoln says.

“I know,” Taylor responds, and his voice is hoarse.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“You - Link, you can’t just say that. I know you’ve got some weird, fucked-up magic shit protecting you, but you’re human, and I’m -”

“Half-human,” Lincoln reminds him, not unkindly. “You didn’t ask for this.”

“Well, you didn’t, either!”

“I know,” Lincoln responds. “We’re both new to this, and there’s horrible people out there that have it out for us, and we just gotta… live with that.”

“It’s not fair,” Taylor groans, resting his face in the crook of Lincoln’s neck again.

“It isn’t,” Lincoln agrees as he begins to card fingers through warm, dark hair. Taylor makes a soft, whispery sort of sound like the crackling of a campfire, resonating from his chest in the demonic equivalent of purring. 

“You’re right. I’m human, even if I’m harder to mess with than most,” Lincoln says. “But I chose this, at least a little bit. I chose you, all of you. And I’m not gonna back out. We’re in this together, dude. As long as you’ll have me?”

“You say that like it’s a question. I’ll always want you. I’m a selfish bitch like that.”

“Hey, don’t talk about my best friend like that,” Lincoln teases, and presses another kiss to the top of Taylor’s head for emphasis.

He chuckles. “You keep that up, and people are gonna think we’re more than best friends.”

“Pretty allonormative of you, Taylor,” Lincoln snipes. “Plus, I don’t see anyone else here…”

“Well, then, I guess I can retaliate without an audience,” Taylor responds, and Lincoln can hear the familiar mischief in his voice.

“Retal- ah,” the air leaves Lincoln’s lungs as Taylor presses his lips against the side of his neck, purposefully lets a fang graze against the delicate skin there.

“Mm,” Taylor hums. Lincoln can feel the vibration of it against his throat, and the sound goes straight to his head, warm and sleep-fuzzed and more than a little deliriously dizzy.

“Sorry,” Taylor says, not sounding the least bit apologetic as he pulls away after a moment with a soft popping sound. “You were saying?”

Taylor’s tail sways back and forth behind him, giving him the appearance of a predator ready to pounce.

“Guh,” Lincoln responds intelligibly, trying to get his brain back online. “You’re the worst, sometimes, you know that? Like, I was going somewhere with that, and then - you -”

“I am pretty insufferable, huh,” Taylor says with a close-lipped grin, sounding far too self-satisfied.

“Guess I’ll just have to suffer you, then,” Lincoln replies with a small grin of his own, dragging Taylor down into his arms.

Taylor gives in easily, tail brushing against the side of Lincoln’s leg affectionately.

“Taking one for the team,” Lincoln says. “I’m pretty good at that.”

“Too good,” Taylor says, looking up at him from the circle of his arms. “I don’t need you throwing yourself into the, like, line of fire for me when I’m immune, yeah?”

“The dream wasn’t real, you know.”

“Could be, someday,” Taylor muses, and though the tear tracks have evaporated from his face, there’s still a twist of uncharacteristic melancholy in his expression. 

Lincoln hums. “Well, in the meantime, maybe we can protect each other? And the others. That sound okay?” he asks. “Because I’m not gonna stop having your back anytime soon.”

“Same here,” Taylor says. “You’re ours, and anyone who comes at us can take you away over my dead body.”

“Possessive,” Link notes, pointedly ignoring the way his heart jolts. “And kinda morbid.” “Eh, it’s a demon thing, I think,” Taylor shrugs. 

“Dork.”

“I dunno, I think it’s kinda hot.” 

“Taylor, you’re part demon. Being hot is your thing.”

“Oh, so I’m attractive to you, huh? What are you gonna do, kiss me about it?” There’s a single fang poking out of Taylor’s smile, and Lincoln fails not to think about the way it felt brushing over his pulse.

“Maybe. If we both go to sleep after this.”

Taylor blinks lazily at him. “Sleep sounds nice,” he murmurs, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Think you could keep the nightmares away?” His eyes, as tired as they are, are so deep and dark and beautiful.

“I’ve got a few charms for that,” Lincoln answers, pointing around the room at bundles of herbs and twine and rune-inscribed parchment that Marco had strung up along corners of the ceiling.

“Link, I was trying to be flirty.”

“Oh,” Lincoln says. Then, “So if I kiss you, you’ll go to sleep?”

“Mm, that can be arranged,” Taylor agrees, his tail snaking around to tap against Lincoln’s nose affectionately before wrapping around his waist.

“Good,” Lincoln breathes, and he leans in to meet Taylor halfway. 

In the end, Lincoln loses count of how many lazy kisses they exchange in the faint glow of the fairy lights before they succumb to slumber, but when he wakes, Taylor is still in his arms, a faint smile on his face in his sleep.

Lincoln can feel his face mirror the expression as he wipes a bit of Taylor’s drool away with the back of his hand. He leans down and ghosts his lips over Taylor’s temple, tucks a stray lock of hair behind his ear, filled with an uncomfortable-yet-comforting warmth wherever their bodies overlap.

Lincoln basks in it as he closes his eyes again, resting against the pillows, and knows that whatever dangers lurk ahead, they’ll face them together. 

[cuteniarose]

The most P’heer-coded song ever made and I’m not taking any criticism about this

(A.k.a: Nia ffs stop pushing your obsession with soviet cinema onto people no one cares)

Rough and non-rhyming translation done by yours truly because I’m bored and have nothing better to do than sit here and translate songs:

[ Like life without spring,

Like spring with no leaves,

Like leaves with no thunderstorms,

And like thunderstorms with no lightning

That’s how dull the years are

Without the right to love,

The right to answer your call

Or your wordless pained moan (x2)

Alas, misfortune can’t be predicted

Call for me, I will block the blow.

And perhaps I’ll pay for it with my head

It’s not up to me to wonder about the price, my love

The roads of love are not easy for us,

But at least the white moss and clovers show us kindness.

The nightingales are full of bittersweet longing

And the springs are generous as they return to us in the north

The nightingales are full of bittersweet longing

And the springs are generous as they return to us in the north

The land that is so full of separation

Will suddenly wed us itself.

Because we are faithful to the birds of spring

We hear them even in winter, my love ]

The vibes aren’t as apparent unless you know the context, which just SCREAMS young P’heer:

Alyosha is an upper class boy on the run from the government after getting involved in Shit He Should Not Have Gotten Involved In. While spending the night in a monastery, he meets Sofya, who was placed there against her will after the death of her parents and is now being readied to become a nun (her parents left her a big inheritance which she is being pressured into giving away as a donation to the monastery). He helps her escape and they travel together for a while until they reach her aunt’s place, where they part ways until he finds out that her aunt sold her out to the monastery in exchange for a cut of her inheritance. The nuns take Sofya to a nearby skit (remote religious settlement) and Alyosha follows, once again helping her escape but this time taking her with him on his travels. She ends up joining him and his friends as they attempt to get themselves out of the Shit They Should Not Have Gotten Involved In, and taking an active part in the attempt to rescue the kidnapped Anastasia Yaguzhinskaya, the love interest of one of Alyosha’s friends

Or, in other words – Nia once said that they have no interest in any other piece of media besides their multiverse of madness. Nia was, apparently, blatantly lying and did not realise until this exact moment that Gardemarines, Charge!, a four episode movie series from 1987, does, in fact, make them yell incoherently and brainrot like crazy

[im-smart-i-swear]

Does Jiro has ghost like abilities (possession, ability to levitate things, etc etc) or does she just live in Shiro's head?

when i created this au, i thought the best option would be for her to be unable to interact with the physical world in any way(including possesion), beacuse i really wanted to lean into her isolation and how it affects her....... and while thats something i still want to emphasise here, lately ive been toying with the idea of jiro being able to impact the physical world somehow(though it still being fairly limited). i think letting her have some control could have a lot of potential! buuuut i also have no idea what abilities i want her to have lol

For now i think im not gonna give her any telekinetic abilities, bc i feel like it would be giving her too much power......... if she could throw shit, shed go APESHIT with it. it would made things too easy for her. i'm sorry babygirl but i'm NOT giving you the possibilty to throw knives and other sharp objects, i dont trust you to not kill someone:/

i really like the idea of her being able to temporarily posses her old body in certain circumstances tho- maybe when shiros uncouncious?? or like when hes is very tired or heavily injured she can kind of 'squeeze through' and take control back for a few minutes???? idk. i think this could be a very cool ability to give her- it cant be frequently used but can also be very helpful, and also theres so much potential for ✨shenanigans✨here>:) oh god i could put these fuckers in so many Situations with this..........

uhhh. so basically i think all of her influence on the physical world are through shiro. shes here bc of her connection to her old body, and thus its the only way for her to interact with anyone besides him- and shes NOT HAPPY about this(neither is shiro).

[nyaoi-warrior]

Hiii, your ace attorney post are intriguing. Hoow does one start with the series? There's are like bazillion games 😅 And do you need an older ds to play? Or are the games on switch?

OMG!!! I GET TO SHARE THE BRAINROT

There's 6 mainline games and few spinoffs. I reccomend starting with the mainline games. They are originaly DS and 3DS games but all of them have been remastered and packadged into collections and rereleased on steam and switch.

The first three are the Phoenix Wright trilogy and they are the og ones. They are released as one game on steam and switch and include Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney, Justice for All and Trials and Tribulations (AA1-3) and they just altered my brain chemistry.

Then there's 3 sequels that recently got released in the Apollo Justice trilogy, also packed into neat bundle that includes Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney, Dual Destinies and Spirit of Justice (AA4-6). I will admit I don't know much about those bc I have just started playing them.

Then there's few spinoffs, the one I am currently playing is The Great Ace Attorney Chronicles, which is also bundled rerelase of the two Great Ace Attorney games which are sorta prequel from 19th century which follows Phoenix's ancestor Ryunosuke Naruhodo who I love and adore. I am nearly at the end and they may be my favourite Ace attorney games honestly. But I do reccomend playing those maybe after the first trilogy. Like you don't need to, but there’s cute nods to the older games.

That being said there's currently Capcom Steam sale so if you are thinking about grabbing them on your pc there's: Ace Attorney Tournabout collection, which includes the first trilogy and the chronicles games for like 19 eur which is honestly steal I feel like.

I am SO sorry for rambing so much but the Ace Attorney games have done something to me and they are near and dear to my heart. If you ever feel comfortable to come off anon and maybe shoot me a dm or something I will always be happy to ramble more. I am also terribly sorry for not tagging spoilers and I can start of you want me to.

[ace-disgrace-from-space]

Trying not to think about how the central theme and throughline of Requiem is trust and how this whole arc is making me extremely unwell because I know everything is going to come crashing down in the next few weeks. I feel it in my bones and tinfoil hat.

Like, most of this arc has been about Buddy opening up and TRUSTING CHASE. The entirety of episode 53??? The thorns????? The rose??? The conversation between Deacon and Buddy right after??? You want me to believe that making Dracifer's intervention about TRUST ISSUES was a coincidence? That Buddy's (kind of) acknowledgement that he trusts Chase and the mention of trust issues wasn't supposed to make me think of that one conversation in Beach Boys? I mean, yeah, sure maybe. But since I'm awake before I want to be or should be and start finals soon, I've decided that it's not and this was meant to ruin me personally.

Like we've finally gotten to a point where Buddy feels comfortable with Chase. He feels bad for hurting him even a little bit (shout-out to when he was talking about how he has accidents a lot- specifically in reference to hurting Chase -and I know he was thinking about Beach Boys- like I am). And this chapter really drove that home. We're there. Which is why I know something AWFUL is going to happen. We've had it a little too good too long (as evidenced by the fast passers slowly withering away from whatever Still Waters is doing to them which is honestly frightening). As of right now, the only thing I can think of is Buddy finding out about Prunella- Chase and Deacon's big secret, something Buddy was so sure they (Chase, specifically) didn't have. They hid another key and keyholder from him. Not to mention a whole damn child. Seems like a breach of trust to me. And after all this? That would probably make Buddy a little hurt. More than just a little.

Am I hallucinating? Am I overthinking things and finding meaning where there is none. Perhaps. Mayhaps, even. But, what else am I supposed to do? Be normal about my interests? Behave like an upstanding member of society and pretend like I don't think about these idiots all the time? Please. If I simply prepare for the worst case scenario than the outcome can't hurt me. I will simply be invulnerable to the pain whenever I get to whatever hellish visions the fast passers are seeing.

Anyway, the bones are done cooking and I need a nap. Apologies for another rambling and if you see any grammar issues, no you did not and I definitely proofread this. Have a lovely day.

[durge-marzio]

Rambles: Durgetash

Okay, I’m sharing this now, because I will not have the time to draw it for another week.

The biggest tragedy in BG3 is realizing that Gortash and the Dark Urge might have actually been "engaged", in a sense. And if I’m reading too much into it, it’s my personal headcanon that shoving into everyone’s faces proudly. I cried actual physical tears over this, because I am unwell about fictional characters.

So anyway,

I finally explored the Temple of Bhaal. Something interesting I found was two lovers who had been sacrificed to Bhaal as a sort of wedding ceremony. One was an Ilmater follower (or they were at least someone who wanted to be married in the Ilmater Temple), and they didn’t know they were about to die (stating they wanted decades more time with them and children). The other was a Bhaalist. This is the Bhaalist vows:

The Dark Urge has a journal note talking about how he’ll sacrifice Gortash on an altar (and Ketheric, oops) to Bhaal. And when you’re about to kill your lover (whoever you choose), Sceleritas Fel has a dialogue response akin to, "There's nothing more romantic than betraying your lover, waking them up with a dagger" or however he worded it. Plus just all the insight narrative and dialogue between Gortash and Durge. He fully intents to share his kingdom with you. He doesn’t expect you to, but he misses you.

Yeah, so… my personal headcanon is that the Dark Urge was saving Gortash to be the last person he ever killed before the end of the world as a sick and twisted form of wedding vows. Thank you and goodnight. I cannot believe I cried over this. I cannot stop thinking about it.

[jaxieshauna]

shackles are OFF.

anyway..... more yellowjackets song stuff because ur so right plz

omg >__< going 2 ramble about jackieshauna && christine ... writing essay about spins instead of homework essay as per ush :PP

the first verse of christine actually very much mirrors the yellowjackets pilot && i am NOT sane about it... like it is literally about them i hope i DIE !!!! erm..

i think the "you always wanted to raise a baby by the lake" part is insane like comphet!jackie wanting the perfect life && to be the perfect mother && the perfect wife. "maybe they'll grow up && never make the same mistakes" but callie has made so many of jackie's mistakes. shauna is so consumed by jackie that callie makes her sick she Literally hates her. she is so entwined with jackie && she hurts shauna && shauna hurts her. ermmmm "knowing you, they'd be the first kid to never hurt another." shauna knows how much jackie cares && how harmless she really is. even her at her most venomous is hardly that. she critiques but it's fair. shauna rips into jackie's character, her being, but jackie only ever brings up things that are true. idk if im making sense but erm.. i see a lot of lines in the song coming from both of them && that's part of what makes me so unwell.

the last part of the song i can see coming from both jackie && shauna && it makes me so fucking CRAZY . "i see you look at him && wonder if he'll make you a mother." i see shauna saying that about jackie who longs to love jeff. she almost dreads motherhood because she'd be tethered to him forever but at the same time she craves it Because of that && because it would make her Normal. on the otherhand i can see jackie saying it about shauna because she knows. she knows he's unfaithful && she knows he's fucking her best friend so she knows shauna is doing that to her. they think they're being sneaky but she knows. && she thinks maybe shauna loves him in the way she's not sure she could. also maybe shauna dreading him getting her pregnant, making her a mother because he's jackie's. but also feeling that thrill of him being jackie's so it's almost like she is jackie && jackie is hers. jackie letting herself be hurt because she thinks it's what she deserves. "after all, nobody's perfect — there may be better but you don't feel worth it."

the final part makes me actually nauseous because i also see that coming from both shauna && jackie. "but if you get married i'd object. throw my shoe at the alter && lose your respect. i'd rather lose my dignity than lose you to somebody who won't make you happy." i think it's more obvious to be coming from shauna but it goes both ways in my mind. shauna for more obvious reasons , jackie is with jeff && on paper is devoted to him. she wants him to be her first && last && there's a real chance at them staying together if jackie can play her cards right. shauna knows jeff could never make her happy she's heard about all of the shit he puts jackie through, cheating on her, them breaking up all the time. "other nights you admit he's not what you had in mind." shauna knows he's not the perfect guy jackie makes him out to be && how much jackie truly doubts their relationship. she doesn't want to see jackie trapped in a relationship where she can't be secure or feel genuinely loved. or a relationship where she can't be herself.. ( lesbian ).

i see it coming from ghost!jackie too ermm ଘ( ˊᵕˋ )ଓ . i think i see it coming from jackie even more if i'm being honest.... ( guess which one is my blorbo && me irl ) jackie being angry && hurt because shauna ( && jeff but mostly shauna ) betrayed her. jeff && shauna's marriage would be a betrayal to her for obvious reasons methinks. but if they got married she'd object because both jeff && shauna were supposed to be Hers && how could they do that to her. maybe it'd mean they never loved her && if they never loved her than who ever had. i think jackie is afraid that jeff Could make shauna happy && that's the worst part for her. obviously he couldn't && it was jackie shauna wanted the whole time but jackie doesn't know that.

ermmm idk if any of this is coherent my mom called as i was writing this && i got mega distracted but er ??! what do we think ? it's so hard to put my thoughts into real coherent words but this actually plagues me every fawking day...... head in my hands.. honestly didnt proofread so sorry if this is extra insane but ouughhg

[moodymisty]

It's 1:30 AM and I have Konrad brain worms that I need to share with someone so I'm just gonna toss this ask into your inbox.

I've always liked the idea of Konrad makings little bits of 'jewelry' for his beloved out of the bones of people he's killed. Bc gifting jewelry is normal way to show affection, right, so he sees it as perfectly acceptable. And also if his beloved's jewelry collection also functions as a secret trophy cabinet for him, well that's just a lovely bonus.

Ive always thought the piece de resistance of the collection would be a choker collar necklace with the Night Lords emblem, where the skull is carved from human bone.

But then I had an even more fucked up thought: what if, for that specific piece, instead of carving the skull pendant out of the bones of one of his victims, he used *his own*? What if, in a fucked up display of devotion and ownership, he carved out part of his bone to put on a necklace for his beloved? He'd heal fast enough it probably wouldn't cause much of an issue for him, and what better way to mark a person as *his* than to literally have them wearing a collar with a piece of him on it?

Anyway yeah sorry to bother u with my batshit ramblings, I am unwell about this man.

The idea of Konrad giving his beloved secret or not so secret trophies in the form of jewelry or other such is something he would do lol. Not only does he get to participate in the time old giving tradition that 'normal' people do, he also gets to have his beloved act as a trophy case that shows how he's willing to kill, and kill for them.

As for the second half Konrad would totally do it, and would do significant mental damage to his beloved as well. I mean how do you refuse that? The man carved up his rib/arm/thigh for you, and you know he is not capable of communicating normally. Refusing might mean pain or god knows what else.

Konrad oftentimes mistakes obsession for possession so staking a claim over his beloved is a big deal to him. The idea of them leaving his life would literally destroy him.

Just don't tell anyone else what your new necklace is, and why it's very tight.

[klunkcat]

2024 Writing Roundup

tagged by @goodlucktai MWAH <3

Words Posted:

92,074

Additional Words Written:

the sheer magnitude of my google doc file count consisting of half buried wips and also rambles about my own dnd character would kill a small child

Fandoms:

TMNT

Trigun

its weird bc I was into like several things this year but also nothing stuck in my old brain soup so here's hoping 2025 makes me more deranged in new and exciting ways

Highest kudos + Highest Hit One-Shot:

I think forget me nots tbh for both lol

New Things I Tried:

collabing! if you somehow missed the gioverse collab fic thing w me and rem and tai and sol, well.

Fic I Spent The Most Time On:

absolutely the thing that buries me I have genuinely had this as a wip in my docs for over a year

Fic I Spent The Least Time On:

that is impossible to tell because I obsessed over all of them for different reasons I fear. maybe the 'kitchen counters' chapter in live to let you shine because I was in a fugue state of insanity

Favourite Thing I Wrote:

sun digs its heels was an ode to my poor baby kitty cat so I think that one

Favourite Thing(s) I Read:

BRO. SO MANY.

If I have to narrow it down...

we know im the number one taizi stan thats the loml but the gioverse truly pulled me into a creativity spiral i have not felt in forever so please read raised on little light immediately. only going up from here is the portal duo vibe forever along with can't help but become the sun. made me cry, worlds were changed.

I was not expecting my fave fic writer from years ago to come back with a sequel to underdark let alone this absolutely insanely good banger of a post rise movie fic along with the current follow up. the way mikey and leo are in this made me feel. agony? I think agony. anyways @plothooksinc 's stuff is really emotional and action packed and gets the characterizations right in such a specifically intense way.

take one for the team by @remedyturtles made me clinically unwell actually, and of course deathwish because sensei is actually i think the depressed millennial of all time. the way rem writes punches me straight through with an emotion I do not know how to name so there's that.

creation of a philosophers stone is so unique to me and about a dynamic with mikey and draxum that I never see really delved into? idk this is some incredible stuff by IgnisCanis

for something completely different, houses like tombs absolutely wrecked me. jjk content is always heartbreaking in this way that knocks me over but this one is so unique. damn.

I really need to remember to bookmark stuff more often because I definitely read way more than this and I have likely forgotten some life changing stuff but what can we do

Writing Goals for 2025:

write more tbh! I have a million google docs but it would be cool to finish more things

New Works:

hadestown au with tai will be real i s2g as will the daemon au, which I am keeping alive with my bare hands thanks. I am currently working on a sequel to running on low which I'm determined to finish sometime in the next few months i hope

With new trigun season coming out.... ambiguously soon... I'm sure I'll be overcome and crazed there, and will definitely finish the thing that buries me asap too

Tagging: 

tagging @byrdybyrd02 and @camsthisky if yall havent done one of these already! and of course anyone who wants to :)

[eliteseven]

I just read your latest fic in the Consonance series and I’m ~unwell~ (in the best way of course!) Tav checking in on Jen constantly and making sure she was always comfortable ahhh it’s amazing how much they cherish each other and how this translates physically. I adooooore your writing, and am always looking forward to whatever you have planned next 🥹

🥹 omg thank you so so much, I’m so happy you liked it!!!! I really wanted to strike a balance between spice and sweetness (Serena is incapable of not being sentimental lol) so I’m just happy it wasn’t jarring to you!!

Serena tends to restrain herself (given her own past with her father, and then Jen’s past with Shar) and I wanted Jen to correct that behavior a little bit. Jen wants her to know she trusts her implicitly 🥰

I’m excited for part 2 of Consonance if I can get to it; it would be interesting to see them going through hardship as a united couple. They’ll be forced to reckon with these inner demons that sort of haunt them, but together now! I think part of Serena’s fear of hurting Jen comes not only from knowing about what Shar did, but also her own father and how he treated Serena and her mother. There are some moments I have planned; like Jen going back to Serena’s childhood home with her, that I think would really tie their relationship together even more 🥹💕

Anyway sorry rambling lol thank you so so much for reading and sending me such a kind message!! I hope you enjoy what’s to come! 😄

[quietbluejay]

I thought of something funny I could do which is weekly dose of (hopefully funny) haterdom and weekly dose of positivity

Positivity: I am doing a lot better health wise! Hurrah! Also I'm going to start doing a Fate readthrough/commentary on Fate Day and maybe post it here if I don't have 10 million things on the ball. Also every* person who interacts with my posts gives me strength, i'm not gonna give a whole list of names but I appreciate all of you

*except the jerks though they are thankfully rare. for you, jerks, i will post more embarrassing content as the stygian depths of despair whirl in our collective ocular orbs. Yes, the ridges of Ahriman's undulant pectorals are approaching... (I'm thinking of doing redo of A Thousand Sons which was my first commentary attempt because clearly I enjoy suffering)

haterdom rambling under the cut because Laura, in revenge for everything I've done to her, decided to take over

(people still call it "the cut", right? I've been calling it that my entire internet existence, I don't know what else people call it except maybe "readmore")

Haterdom: wait. give me a minute. I don't actually have anything I'm feeling particularly hatery about in my life that isn't related to RL and being a hater about it here just makes me look like an ass. Or whiny. Which I am, let's be fair, but I do try to avoid yelling about RL into the internet void where the public can see. Also I was a hater last night about a fic that had random bashing in it (it's for a fandom I don't talk about here so no this isn't about Prowl) but again I don't really like talking about fics i hate on the public internet so, no, you don't get specifics.

I was also kind of a hater yesterday in my head about "man why is it when i find a fic (or novel sometimes) with a really cool premise but I hate the main pairing or it just seems tacked on, I give the fic a shot and then eventually the pairing becomes more and more front and centre and I drop the fic and I'm like man this is so unnecessary why did it need to have romance the plot was perfectly good on its own without this added element" (again this is specifically about a fic for a fandom I don't talk about on here (NOT the one with the bashing, this one didn't really have bashing and the one bit that could maybe be considered this is arguably a valid character interpretation), but it's a repeated pattern for me because most plotty fics in the fandoms I'm in have romance), and I have learned just not to pick up these fics but also when I'm really unwell I tend to read stuff I don't normally just for the sake of having something to focus on like when I was reading some of Mercedes Lackeys' worst novels on the super crowded train in Poland to stave off having an hour long anxiety attack. Anyways. Why do people feel the need to stick romance into long plotty stories. I mean I know the answer is "they want to write romance, bluejay, you jerk". But whyyyyyyy. Especially when it's the "time travel to when we were kids" type. Why do these authors write things that are compelling TO ME but also add in elements that are anti-bluejay.

Okay, first off, I have no objection to romance if it's well done. I like a good romance! But emphasis on "good". A lot of these just like, take the pairing as a given and do not do the work to sell you on the pairing and build it up and maybe that's fine if you just want to read idk slow burn for the sake of slow burn or werewolf forbidden romance for the sake of forbidden werewolf romance (...this one is me vagueing a published novel, Holly Lisle I have NOT forgiven you for The Secret Texts) or you like the pairing already. For me though even if I am neutral it will make me start anti-shipping them.

maybe this is just me reading the wrong genre

anyways

i guess i should just stick with warhammer novels.

they do not betray me in this way.

they betray me in other ways, let's be real, but this specific type of romance betrayal? nah

for crying out loud Tyrion/Alarielle was managed better than most of these in the third of the Tyrion&Teclis omnibus

hm. that was a lot of salt. maybe I should not do these. maybe i should not publish this. I don't think I was very funny here.

...nahhhhh I'm doing it. Be free, salt! Go into the world!

apropos of nothing but I love umeboshi.

[mochiwrites]

“The plan has changed. I’ve hired someone to do what you couldn’t do the first time.”

NONONONONONONONONO GRIAN PLEASE GRIAN NO GRIAN PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GRIAN NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONNONONONONONO

THAT TEASER YOU POSTED SOME TIME AGO MAKES THIS SO MUCH WORSE NONONONONONONONONONONONO

He knows what he has to do, what he’s meant to do. It’s the role he’s been cast to play. 

Secret life parallels oh lordy lord. i am SO UNWELL. no. NOOOOOOO. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i legitimately dont have any words. the only way i can properly express how im feeling right now is just AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

He’s not naive and hopeful like Grian is, or as kind as Mumbo can be. He’s selfish and cruel, and his loyalty is fickle. 

this is legitimately one of my favorite parts of scar's character actually. i don't have the brain power to properly analyze this, but something about how honest he is about this is so. augh. this trait is what's ultimately going to be his demise (at least, he thinks so). he'll lose grian and mumbo (possibly through death) because he chooses tubbo over mumbo and grian. he knows and he's not proud of it but it's vital to his survival anyways so he does nothing to fight it.

i dont think i make sense at all and theres a great possibility ive mischaracterized him entirely (it wouldnt be the first time, sadly) but i love it regardless. i love how flawed he is. how flawed they all are. i love how tragic their stories are. grian with his unwavering hope and optimism that gets constantly tested (and possibly crushed at some point) and scar with his insistence to not get close that eventually stabs him in the back and mumbo with his guarded but oh so big heart that he's tentatively given out only to get hurt in some way. please correct me if any of this is wrong, btw, id rather be corrected than live in ignorance of the truth

No amount of rope can pull him out. It’ll snap apart under the weight of his actions, so why try? There’s no real point in it. 

this is why you need a grian, scar. sigh.

He needs to stop being Scar and start being the Grim Reaper. He sucks in a breath, throwing Scar away.

oh this is fantastic because scar cares so deeply for them and would do just about anything to protect them, because as much as he tries not to, scar cares and loves. but that's exactly the problem because he cares for and loves tubbo so much he'd do just about anything to protect him, including sacrificing grian and mumbo. but scar couldn't possibly do that when he cares for them so much. so he weaponizes the grim reaper, who doesn't care for anyone or anything besides getting the job done.

im genuinely just rambling here there's zero coherence to be found in any of this

“We figured we should take advantage of the peace while we can,"

wow youre really just pulling out all the stops to make this hurt as much as possible arent you

But even then… surely it wouldn’t take this long to heal. 

this is SOOOOO CONCERNING are you KIDDING ME???? MUMBO PLEASEEEEEEEEE YOU CANT DO THIS TO ME MAN😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

“Maybe we can come back tomorrow earlier.” 

i have you say you are incredible at setting the mood. having an idea of what's about to happen as a third party, watching it all unfold. grian and mumbo being right there and nearly getting to the truth, but not quite getting it because they trust scar. BECAUSE THEY TRUST SCAR!! grum and jrum being there adding to the innocence of it all and amplifying how unsettling scar's actions are. "maybe we can come back tomorrow" when there's not going to BE a tomorrow for them (assuming scar succeeds). it's so tense. it's so anxiety-inducing. it's such an intense sense of foreboding and it has my heart rate genuinely going up. infinite props to you.

He aims for Mumbo’s shoulder.

might be overthinking this but i hate that this implies the possibility that scar informed this assassin with ways to make the killing easier

He grits his teeth as he pulls another glyph from his pocket. He slams it between his hands, vines wrapping up around his arms.

GRIAN'S GLYPHS LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOO!! IT'S EVEN COOLER THAN ID IMAGINED HEHE

“Did you get hit at all?” He does a quick scan of the changeling for any injuries.

you're really making this hurt

“Dad!” the two boys cry, the word not registering to any of them in the moment. 

AAAAAAAAAA YOURE GONNA MAKE ME CRY STOP IT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Blood splatters on the ground in thick drops, spilling in the grooves of the cobble path. 

i havent read ahead and i swear to god if this is grian sacrificing himself for mumbo and he turns around and sees grian's body on the pavement and screams "GRIAN!" and that's what the teaser was and that's how it ends my brain is going to be filled with unspeakable screaming until it gets confirmation that he's okay.

“GRIAN!”

I WASNT SUPPOSED TO BE RIGHT. I WASNT SUPPOSED TO HAVE GUESSED CORRECTLY. I WASNT. THAT WASNT. IM. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

IM. I HAVE NO WORDS. I HAVEN'T A SINGLE COHERENT SENTENCE. I AM JUST. WOW. IM. WHAT. NO. NO?????? NO. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HFGJFHKFHGJFK WELL. HI LMAO

reading through all of this with a big grin because excitement and Also knowing what happens next >:3c I'd apologize about the teaser thing but I am Not sorry WHEEZE

but in regards to the scar stuff, you're 100% right, yeah, along with grian and mumbo. they're all flawed characters just trying to do the right thing with the cards they've been dealt. their best qualities are Easily their greatest weaknesses. and none of them realize it but y'know. that's what being human is all about! :D

aND THE GRIM REAPER YEAHHHH. I talk about it all the time but I genuinely love scar being the grim reaper. weaponizing it in this chapter. he's such an interesting character to both study and write

but !!!! very glad to see that the first bomb of three has landed appropriately! :D

[goremet-chef]

just found someone who makes monster hunter lego builds do NOT speak to me im. this. GRGRGRG

anyways heres some gifs i have of monsters cuz im in love with this series forever and always (super long ramble SFJKS ive been writing this for hours)

odogaron + ebony odo is like.... you dont understand. thats me i kin so many monsters from MH its insane like.. thats literally me nothing reflects me better LOOK AT THEM. rathalos, odogaron, nargacuga like any red scary thing i resonate with deep in my soul its insane

this one is one of my headmates favorites. shrieking legi really came thru when he was having a bad time and i love this for him. ITS JUST LIKE... so many of the monsters resonate with us on such personal levels, that its hard to even explain. i am selfish, and i do view monster hunter as my game (got that autism special) like these are my creatures they were made for me

REAL TALK THO, these two were genuinely actually made for me look at this shit

unknown (black flying wyvern) and valstrax my beloveds. fucking god tier

the fact that i already resonate with the rathalos so hard, and it turns out theres a black and red edgier cool version of it/????like are you insane when i discovered this thing i was. SO UNWELL IN MY CHANNEL ON DISCORD i literally rambled about it for AN HOUR STRAIGHT. then when i found out about valstrax i rambled about that one for an hour too SKFJS like wow they are so cool. autism is real

also have this one, xeno'jiiva is so. MHW was my first MH game (say what you will) and god damn. im gonna be real idk if id be so into it if it wasnt for MHW, cuz like.... the main appeal of the entire game series to me is the monsters themselves. like im. when i first started i was TOO SCARED TO FIGHT THE GREAT JAGRAS (yknow. the first large monster you fight 😭😭 like the 3rd quest. insane) because ive never been into fighting games and having something large PURSUE ME didnt sound pleasant

crazy that i went from being too scared to play it again to LITERALLY playing for 72 hours almost STRAIGHT with minimal pee and sleep breaks, and giving myself carpal fucking tunnel cuz i was just. obsessed. AUTISM IS REAL

went from couldnt stand 10 minutes of it to 400 hours in game SKFJSD

and i would do it again bitch!!!

so what im SAYING. alright. is that im not a fighter in games (well NOW i am, but before i super wasnt) but what drew me in was how i could just.. watch. how i could see all the big scary monsters sleep and eat and walk around and fight eachother. how i could get their tracks, listen to their sounds, ETC. like it was so. IT WAS THRILLING and ive never been more in love

like for context my first special interest is fnaf and i wouldnt be anything like myself if i never got into fnaf like life changing shit. but i gotta say, i mean. ive played the fnaf games and i love the story and EVERYTHING this is not a diss on my first home!!!! but i played MHW to the point of exhaustion, to where i needed to have an arm brace and even then despite the HORRIBLE PAIN in my wrist, i still kept playing

i played so much i literally managed to rub the s and w letters of my siblings keyboard KSJFSF like it was for real. i miss that, like a lot. i dont play as much anymore because i mean. i have it on my laptop. my laptop is a gaming laptop and it can run!! but its better for my

yknow i dont think i have an actual reason and im literally about to cry thinking about it SKFSFJ the good computer with the good graphics and running is my siblings and id need permission, yknow how it is. PLUS im a bit stuck? i need an urugaan ruby for my barioth mission lmao but ill get there

monster hunter world is so beautiful. the environments are fucking stunning, the visual upgrade for the monsters was INSANE and just watching them be animals? it brings me so much joy KSJSJSJ

one of my favorites is the rotten vale, which is funny cuz i remember the first time i ever went there i was so. PARANOID. i use sound with pretty much everything i play since my eyes might not track everything thats happening, so hearing the ambience for the vale freaked me out so much, i stayedat the camp for SO LONG and good thing too cuz the radobaan makes its way down that path and i was shook SKFJSF

also the big fucking dalamadur skeleton in the vale is so. UGHHHH

i love horror and rot and decay!!! its frightening its unsettling but even still the vale is such a necessary part of the ecosystem!!! like wow monsters come there to DIE? are youINSANE

(dalamadur is like one of the biggest monsters for reference. the whole upper part of the vale is made of its skeleton cuz its a big snake its so UGHHH)

also the???? STOMACH ACID POOL?

they were cooking bro,,,,, such a gorgeous and unsettling environment goddd

like GOD i cant think of anything better, the story for MHW is so good man. the tracker said "its an ecological marvel" and i took that personally (i repeat that so much about random shit its not even funny how long ive been doing that for)

or how like... any of the docile monsters (tobi kadachi, banbaro, kulu ya ku, ETC) i genuinely if i go on expedition, and i see theres a docile monster in one of the locales, ill go there and just follow them around the ENTIRE TIME SFKSFS

heres SEVERAL pics of me with banbaros at different times KSJFS

that isnt even all of them with JUST banbaro 💀💀💀 its my favorite activity

and sometimes i get hit with the banbaro / nightshade paolumu / coral pukei combo!!!! thats a triple docile whammy!!!!! thriving

also heres a cute viper tobi shot :] love viper tobi

also also i cant believe i never said anything yet but VAAL HAZAK??? my actual liege look at this mf

MY LORD!!! vaal is so fucking cool man. and the KICKER??? DOCILE

whenever i do this quest i do just follow it around for a while (which. ive had to do this quest A LOT cuz i thought i get vitality crystals from it (yknow cuz i got some from it) so i have probably 100% killed more vaal hazak than any of the other elder dragons SKFJSF

vaal hazak is so cool cuz its covered in rotten meat and uses the effluvium (corpse gas) as its like. life source. it pulls excess effluvium from the vale into itself and expels it when theres not enough, so its keeping the ecosystem tame its so cool UGHH

also one of its moves it plays dead its so fucked up itll fall over like you've knocked it over and then just lay there but you hear its inhale and it looks up and BLASTS YOU with its effluvia gas beam (WHICH. THAT THING HURTS!!!!!! for real the effluvium attack is so. plus it also halves yr health? like if vaal hits you with that shit itll give you miasma or whatever and it HALFS YR HEALTH BAR and you gotta eat a nulberry to negate it

im not one for switching shit around in my like item bar tho (MAINLY cuz most the time ive played MHW was with my siblings mouse and its scroll bare was broken so swapping items was hard) so i just put on like 3 effluvia resistance gems and it cant give me miasma. problem solved SKFSJF

i did get so tired of fighting it cuz yknw its a hard fight its an elder dragon, but i will say like the MUSIC? thats one of the things like. when we fought megan in the forest, they gave us battle music and THAT is why i kicked ass and abandoned all my fear, monster hunter instincts kicked in and i tanked alright like it was NOTHING, battle music just hits different

vaal hazak theme is so fucking good!!!! "keeper of hades" ARE YOU INSANE? HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND????? i cant believe this shit!!!!!!!!

monster hunter stop being the coolest franchise ever challenge KSFJSF

i did do vaal hazak fight with no music before cuz i was trying to see and. THE MUSIC DOES SO MUCH? literally there was like no adrenaline without the music it was just. :| oh. im in the vale. thats the dragon. hes gonna breath attack. okay LIKE IT WAS SO LACK LUSTER IT WAS INSANE

i never realized how much the music did for fights but its so.. vital bro like it gets you in the fighting mood it compliments the monster and the area its !!!GRAAAAHHHH

monster hunter soundtrack is literally so fucking good. BANGERS back to back literally every song is so fucking cracked its epic

dont even get me STARTED on "proof of a hero" that song makes me stim so fucking hard man it makes me feel so fucking good. my sibling made his ringtone for me that song and AUGHHH crying sobbing

like yeah this is proof that im a hero!!! literally makes me feel so proud and FOR WHATTTT

idk im such a firm believer in the importance of sound design, sound design is EVERYTHINGGG and MH does such a good job with that shit, the monster roars and environmental ambience, audio cues to what attack is gonna happen, the music its all. perfect 10/10 godtier shit

anyways this is my monster hunter ramble, it most likely will happen again. love this game with all my heart

[mieczyhale]

note: i spent quite a bit of time rambling, and it truly is rambling, so i have not gone back and re-read any of this.

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you can hate someone all you want and say whatever you want about them, but to attack their appearance and a speech impediment is gross. idc who the fucker is. his appearance has nothing to do with his behavior and making fun of the way someone talks?? really?? not only does that also have nothing to do with his behavior, but a lot of people have speech impediments and he's not gonna see your ~jokes~ but they will

go after him for shit that's relevant. go after his actions

anyway

dude needs a psych eval, therapy, and anger management at the very least imo. he's never really hidden that he isn't mentally thriving, but there is a lot more going on up there than depression.

-

as someone who can react aggressively, even violently, when frustrated enough or angry enough - and has said some awful shit in the moment that felt out of my control (there is no brain to mouth contact in that moment) - i know there is shit that can be done to help that. medications, therapy, learning redirection, knowing when to exit a situation before you hit that point, and other shit.

i've been struggling with this again lately as my mental health is shit, but it's still better than it used to be years ago, and i'm aware of it and what a problem it is. bc real talk: i did not think it was an issue. it was like "yeah i'm yelling and screaming and throwing things and breaking shit (not all at once, thank god) but so what?? that's just how i am". you can truly be so unaware of yourself and your own shit it's ridiculous

not saying he's got the same shit in his head but from personal experience i wouldn't rule it out entirely. there are a lot of mental illnesses out there and things that can get messed up in you. nothing excuses his behavior, but there could be an explanation.

once again: explaining =/= excusing

and if there is something genuinely fucked up (well..) then he can get help. people don't like to think about or consider it for some reason, but even people who do abhorrent things can get better and change (if they want to) not that that would make up for anything but it would keep a repeat from happening with someone else. and idk i believe there is good in almost everyone. he fucked up a helluva lot but i don't think he's this unsalvagable evil demon. he's a human being

okay yeah editing one thing in and that is that there could be something mentally at play, or medically, or he could just be an asshole that needs to learn and do better (i'm not ruling it out entirely) or it could be a combination deal. idk. i'm just not a big fan of calling someone a piece of shit with the tone that that IS who they are. the end. that they've always been a piece of shit and they always will be and there is no hope for them.

and maybe that's one of the reasons i'm being so unwell about this. because, top 10 anime betrayals aside, i've seen bits of myself in his videos prior to all of this blowing up - the good and the bad. i've seen a bit of the worst part of me in the clips of his aggression and threats. but despite what i feel and say when i've gotten like that in the past i never meant it outside of that moment. you calm down and you genuinely hate yourself because what the fuck was that shit and you feel embarrassed (and for me getting embarrassed usually manifests as anger) and it's just shit

i dont tend to develop parasocial attachments but in the span of like.. a month maybe here we fucking are i guess. it's not great, i'm not thrilled by it - especially now - but it really got me out of nowhere and bc i have attachment issues (there are many reasons i'm in therapy thanks) that's.. probably also part of the unwellness i've been feeling (i keep calling it "unwell" bc truly i do not have the words to describe it beyond that)

there are people who say they "got a vibe" or "never liked him" or whatever but could not be less me. he quickly became a comfort channel and there was nothing that tipped me off that anything was wrong. his channels spark(ed) joy (serious videos aside, but even then there was comfort in seeing someone get so passionate about things that mattered)

i enjoy him and his content, both solo and joint, and - saying this bc i've seen more than one comment on it - i like listening to him speak and i like watching him speak. his lisp is cute and he has a nice voice. his humor is great, the fashion and vibes were immaculate before whatever the fuck happened that ended up in him removing color from everything he owns. and growing that mustache situation

he's someone who is seriously not well, he did and said godawful trash shit, and he should face consequences. none of this post is me saying he should be forgiven with zero punishment. people shouldn't push it aside just because they're fans

this was not a victimless situation, nor was it a first time, from what some people have said

you can be a fan and admit when the person you're a fan of fucked up / did something awful. being a fan does not mean excusing their every word and action. a*ex is a person. a human being. not a demon but also not a god. and he should be treated as such. stop putting strangers on pedestals. i might be incredibly unwell about things but at least i never thought he was perfect or whatever. anyone can let you down at any time, be it content creators or actors or whatever, so please be careful and be at least a little sane about them)

i'm sure i have more to say about this but my brain really said "we've done enough with serious words for now" and i can't remember where i was going with this - if anywhere. maybe this was just supposed to be a rambling vent - which, if so, mission accomplished. i know it was triggered by people attacking a*ex for the wrong things, bc going after shit like a speech impediment is so low and so not relevant to the situation, and then i just got my feelings and thoughts everywhere. eugh.

i've watched a couple videos on the evidence (sound off w/ captions bc reading vile things is easier than hearing them) (i do the same thing with my voicemails tbh. i never listen to them, i read them. not bc they're vile but bc i just get less anxious if i don't have to hear it. idk) and while each covered the biggest things (so far anyway) i certainly am not going to claim to know it all. but there have been video clips, audio clips, screenshots across them all - each video having some of the same pieces but also pieces the others don't show or touch on. so.. i've seen.. enough.

i really need to disengage from all of this, and i sure would like to, i'd love to not be aware of this level of "drama" regarding someone i'm a fan of as it's breaking, but i can't go back in time and stop myself from clicking on his channel and i can't undo liking his videos so here i fucking am

-

"he's cancelled!" bitch shut the fuck up. canceling isn't a real thing. look at anyone with a fanbase who has done bad shit. they still have a fanbase, they still do whatever.

"his career is over!" maybe, maybe not, i for one can't see the future but i wouldn't place bets that it is. because again: look at what people have been accused of, and have done, and even if they suffered real consequences for their actions they came back from it.

maybe focus on what genuine consequences there could be

OR - better yet - focus on showing support for the victim. yeah actually maybe lets do that. maybe care about a victim more than you hate their abuser. just tossing that thought out there as an option

-

i keep thinking i've reached the end of what i have to say and then some part of me, the apparently country part that stormed out the saloon doors, comes slamming back through a moment later - cowboy hat waving wildly - with a yell of "AND ANOTHER THING-"

-

on top of everything else - and i know this is going to sound so shitty and so immature - i do not like being told what to do. to like.. a really aggressive degree. it's one of the traits i got from my mom. if you tell me to stop watching something or stop listening to something, to do or not do something, you have almost guaranteed that i am going to do the exact opposite.

and tbh... if we cut off content from anyone who ever did bad things there would be like.. no content left. which might sound fine to you, you weird purity culture angel fucks, but i personally like to find relaxation and joy where i can get it. i personally like to enjoy life when i can. mostly because it isn't an easy thing for me to do, so if some band's music is a vibe or some guy posts random videos that make me smile or laugh then brother i am in. not necessarily on a personal level but then maybe yeah on a personal level. i don't know. i'm just saying words at this point. not that i don't mean them, but they're a bit of a mess.

i've been awake for over four hours

it is 7:52 AM

i don't know why i'm still trying to get my thoughts and feelings out.

maybe because i want those things to get across as clearly as they can. i don't want there to be a misunderstanding if it can be avoided. i want it to be understood (as much as it can be) why i think the way i do about all this and what i don't think about it all (like no, i don't think a*ex is innocent. do i think we have the full story?? i don't know. probably not. even with evidence we've only heard half directly, but he certainly did more than enough wrong and there should be consequences. real ones.)

all this and i still don't feel like i've gotten out everything i wanted to properly, which is whatever. i can make another rambling vent post later if i have to. i just hoped unloading all of this would make me feel a bit better, maybe a little less anxiety-induced nauseous, idk. it kind of worked i guess

-

wildly oversimplified and comically surface-level tldr: i'm not an empath but i can be intensely empathetic, as well as intensely sympathetic, to my own detriment and my brother in christ has all of this really driven that home

wildly oversimplified and comically surface-level tldr 2.0: person who is multiple mental illnesses in a trenchcoat and feels Too Much affected by situation Too Much at least partially due to mental illnesses

[vtforpedro]

life and whatnot

It's not very good but I wanted to say I'm managing. Barely. Thank you for your comments on my last post about Isis. I appreciate them more than I can say. And a huge thank you to @thoseveganelves for a beautiful drawing of her that is my lock screen on my phone <3 thank you again. I'm having problems with Lilly now. I truly hope she'll be ok and they're more behavioral than something actually wrong but there are a few concerning things. Moreover, me and my mom's relationship is shit. She did something yesterday involving Lilly and I'm not sure I can forgive her. Or anything that's happened since the lumbar puncture I wish I never did. It was supposed to be an easy procedure to get a diagnosis and treatment but it ruined my life to such a terrible degree lol wild. I'm exhausted. My head gets pretty severe and then I'll have a break. Enough now that I have been able to watch some shows for the first time in years! They have to be easy and relatively calm shows with not much action or fast camera movement but the fact that I can while my head is in a respite is pretty great. I was working on art like crazy too but shit happened and my creative bug disappeared for a while. I'm writing in another fandom and started up more recently again after a short break. It sucks not to be creative b/c arting/writing is still about all I can do. I do miss bagginshield quite a lot right now. My neurologist is still an asshole. I cry every time I have to interact with him in some way and when I tried to switch within the same group, they wouldn't allow it. They had to talk to him about it so now he knows I'm trying to escape him lmao but thankfully the next time I see neuro is with his PA and I'll get a break from him. It's insane how they can do this to patients and not give a fuck. I lied out my teeth tho when I was trying to switch and said he did right by me, with absolutely no problems (totally didn't leave me in excruciating pain for five entire months). Oh well! My mom and I are supposed to start family therapy soon but they're not calling me back which is strange. My therapist is trying to get them to move on it. It was pulling teeth to get my mom to agree and took a massive fight for that to happen. She used to be my number one. Now I can't trust her with me or my fucking cat. My entire body tenses so badly when she is here. I love my mom with all my heart but I do not like who she has become. I'm so tired. MH is in the tank. I miss Isis severely. She was my soul cat and what happened to her was awful. But her spirit is here. I was never a spiritual person before but too many things are happening that are distinctly Isis™ so I know she's here. Beyond what may be a medical issue, Lilly has blossomed into a different cat, most of it good, but she has seemed very unsettled at times and it hasn't calmed down much since mid-May. Keeping an eye on her. Her vet gave us a prescription for gabapentin and it fucked Isis up so much that I'm nervous about it. But Isis was weird like me and cats usually respond well to it. I hate to make Lilly sedated in any way too but she may have some tooth pain rn and it'd help that. I have pretty bad nerve pain in my face and gaba is a lifesaver for me. Anyway this is rambling like usual. I'm tired and I'm unwell and just want to be well enough to be by myself with my cat again. I have a long road ahead of me to get there. Thanks for listening. 💜 Love you all very much. I am thankful you're here and I'm sending as much warmth as I can. You are all amazing people. Thank you.