#anyway gonna actually sleep now night
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20/4/24
āæāāæāāæ
Pineapple
Took a nap with the cat
Dinner
Didn't have to wear a jacket to take the dog out
#happiness diary#happiness diary: april 2024#dinner was great it was rice and marinated pork and veg with sweet chilli sauce#mmmmm yum#also the cat nap just happened#got up to brush my teeth and saw the cat and decided to lie next to him#then got comfy and didn't want to move and fell kinda asleep#was still aware but was resting i guess#thats what a nap is to me i dont sleep when i nap#ig confuses me cus i dont know if that really counts as a nap cus im not asleep just resting#anyway gonna actually sleep now night
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siren
#bakuspecial#cw: nudity#cw: body horror#monster#siren! I think. they're bird to me#I think this has been brewing since that stream mim did of drawing dnd monsters only from official text description#and when the official art for the sirens were shown I was like. oh thats just a woman with wings#lmao like. granted. its an official dnd book available for all audience. you cant make it too Bad To Look At#(I do not agree with this but it wasnt about me. if its about me its gonna be about very few people lmao)#but yeah. after that I got slightly too into the idea of putting more bird into birdwoman#but I also do genuinely love monsters that are Rearranged Human Parts so. I couldnt commit too much to the bird scales Im so sorry#I wanted the fleshiness. the feel. textural experience of holding her hands and being like oh that's a human#even when ur eyes tell u otherwise. mmm#...I looked to my right as I was typing these tags and saw. the fucked up pikmin I tried to sculpt the other day along with the pin#and got startled#its so. its so fucked up. gods. dusty white naked grainy parsnip#I used to have that one doll I butchered wanting to customize in a box next to me and thats way less upsetting than this. man#its perfect actually I will never throw this thing away. anyways#now. now I go to bed. its sleep time for the baku#have a good night lads! you CAN have it both way easily you just need a big bat
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personal growth is crazy because it seems like nothing has changed until you're crying because you don't want to die. you learn something about yourself that ten years ago would have actually killed you, and now you're thinking about what you can do to heal and make peace with it. nothing may have changed to you, but to the person you were however long ago, you are the "it gets better"
#guy who's very proud of how well he's handling things rn lol#anyways personal time:#but idk man i kinda remembered smthn from my past n#like. if it wasn't for how much effort i've put into my mental health n coping skills#n my support network now#idk id be in a much worse place.#so i'm gonna forgive myself for not really sleeping last night#n having a hard time with my bpd feelings n emotions#because fuck man! i'm doin really good actually!#growth doesn't have to be oh man i'm never ever sad anymore#it's just. idk i don't cry because i Wanna die anymore#sometimes i have an intrusive thought of suicide#and it makes me cry because i DONT wanna die. and i know those thoughts are not good or needed#but i'm not gonna beat myself up for having them. i'm just gonna be patient n gentle w myself#n give myself time#n everything will be okay(:#bc it is okay! it's in the past and i'm safe now. and i wanna make other people feel safe too#growth starts w baby steps. n that's why it's so hard to recognize in yourself a lot of the time#it goes slooooooowly. for me at least lol.#mine#despite everything i am happy because i know my life now is one i love (: and one im actively trying to better for myself
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i miss herā¦
#cant believe i forgot about her till the photobook q&a im so sorry witch mona~~~~~~~#press f for honeypre atelier gachas it was gone too soonā¢ļø#(currently e x t r e m e l y worried and stressed for tomorrow like never before b u t i have to appear like im fine sobs save me monachann)#(can i go on a stress-prompted tangent here about something inane? no? toooo bad im gonna go off anyway~~~~)#ok so. like. since witch mona is the image i have up āere and since itās still äøęā¦ todayās tangent will be on irl spooky stories!!#s o. presenting a decently repressed memory from my childhood that resurfaced while i was hibernating at home:#anyways. well. thoughts about the afterlife can vary from person to person yes? thereās no one true correct belief after all#but the one question that unites us all is probably the one and only āare ghosts real?ā#and well. for personal reasons i think so. i mean iāve seen this one dude i hate get possessed a couple of times so welp. cant deny it ig.#wild story about that actually. back in the day my familyās finances were allegedly doing so badly that [dude i hate] had to pick up#a *c e r t a i n* side hustle for extra cash. that side hustle? literal grave digging at the cemetary. at night no less#and *ofc* he wasnāt respectful about it in the least so ofc some spirits followed him home. yay. free roommates.#one(?) of them even took residence in my room at the time and im 80% sure they ate my history textbook :( much sads#anyways well once that guy had too much to drink (which was rather often tbh) heād get possessed. fun!#the only possession i ever saw was the n-rarity angry ghost whoād just huff and puff in silence with unfocused eyes most of the time#heād occasionally put on a leather jacket too. but that was like a r-rarity event that didnāt happen that often#my mother had the chance to also witness the mosquito (who tried to barge into my room for fresh blood) and the å§åØ (self-explanatory)#which is kinda unfair tbh. i wanted to see the ur-rarity ones too :( mostly bc itād be funny to see a guy i hate act ooc (impure intentions)#oh right. āhow did we get the dude out of his possession? we just shook his arm really hard. prolly caused some lasting effects but who know#i think he could also just sleep off the possession but idk i was asleep for the ur-rarity incidents.#cant ask the one witness of it bc i dont want to bring back unnecessary flashbacks of [guy we hate]#anyways itās been years since we moved out from that place and i still want my history textbook back. mostly for the principle of it butā#and so thatās the tangent of the day. i feel weirdly less stressed now thanks witch mona#i do wonder how my grandparents are faring on this äøę thoughā¦#b u t !!!!! tomorrowās date on the lunar calendar says itās an auspicious day for wishful activity and starting a new job!!! soā¦ maybe~~~~?#hauauauauauauauuauaaaaaa anyways insane tangent over stream monaās new album ok bye#oops forgor to disable rbs i hate how easy it is to forget to use this function man
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oh my god iām so irrationally excited to be sleeping comfortably in my own bed tonight
#iāve been offline for many reasons but a big part is my apt doesnāt have air conditioning and we have projected 105-110 degree highs for the#foreseeable future and the entire back wall of my apt is window that gets intense direct sun every morning#so iāve been baking in here to the point where iāve been bumming places to sleep the past few nights at friends houses#which requires SO MUCH socialization and itās exhausting. i fucking hate being around people#but the nights iāve had to stick to out and be here have been miserable like#ice shower immediately before bed 3 fans pointing directly at me and still sweating all night#today a local nonprofit helped me get one of those portable a/c units#but iām still gonna pitch a fit to my leasing office (i screamed at them yesterday LOL) bc now my electric bill is gonna go crazy#anyway! we need affordable housing that is actually inhabitable!!!!
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bracelets as a christmas gift for michaels coworker #1
#i havent made bracelets in forevar. yippie#the adjustable bracelet im sooo proud of#i got one of the wood burning tools but instead of using it to. burn wood. im just using it to melt the edges of the cording#instead of using a lighter which is sooo imprecise#this thing i can actually just press it down and melt it at the same time. so lovely#brot posts#one coworker down 3 more to go. total of 4 more bracelets#i wanna do 1 fancy stretch and 1 lower key adjustable bracelet per person#i just gotta ask to see what their fave colors are#i made a blue stretch one already i know at least one of them enjoys blue so i just dont know which one its going to#and then the other one. is a guy. and i dont think the sparkly stretch bracelet matches his style#so im just gonna do a lowkey all black adjustable bracelet for him#his is already designed i just gotta restring it š#anyway i got melted leather cord smoke in my eyes and i need to be awake in like 5 hours for a 12 hour shift tomorrow#after which iāll need to make these last four bracelets tomorrow night#so erm well i should sleep now. arugh
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Today's Sanlu art is probably gonna be late btw I meant to get a head start on it last night when I got home but I was so EEPY. So I took a nap instead LMAO
#Shima speaks#Ofc that bit me in the ass later bc when it was actually time to sleep I could NOT#I tossed and turned all night. Just bc I already went snork mimimimi for like two hours.#Shakes my fists#Anyway I'm gonna try to work on it when I get home but no promises ;)))#I'm exhausted tbh work has been running me ragged and my boss was just in town so#IT'LL GET DONE. Just probably not today. Esp since I gotta ummm. Design some stuff. ;)#Also it is SO fucking hot in my office right now I am DYINGGGG#IT'S ROASTY TOASTY PRINCESS SHIMA HOURS. I'M ON FIRE
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getting wigs for characters with the same hair color as myself make me feel like the biggest dumbass around but youd have me fucked thinking im burdening myself with daigos 2000's emo cut just for a weekend
#snap chats#a weekend is generous im only going to the con on saturday#i like how im making it sound like anime nyc is this weekend when its at the end of august LMAO BUT NO LISTEN#unfortunately beauty influencers have finally done their job right and this one guy was reviewing an eyebrow pencil#but the twist is that this pencil was like. SUPPPER STUPID FINE im talkin .08mm and he demonstrated how it could imitate stubble#SO OF COURSE. my ass wanted to see for myself cause as much as i like my sponge-stippling method its not super precise#and that shit gets annoying when most of it looks fine but then i press too hard or i angle the sponge wrong and now i gotta start over#In Any Case the pencil i got did exactly as i hoped and its actually p fun putting on LMAO. i prefer how it looks too#anyway how this all relates to this post. im probably gonna go as y2 daigo again for anime nyc in august#and I Repeat im not cutting my hair for that LMAO so. Wig š©#i like it when i cosplay him cause i just go by his actual design cause if i even breathe near skinny jeans ill wanna kms#also i just like to be as accurate as i can be yk. plus the leather pants i have are cozy and theyre one of my fave pairs of pants š¤¤#in any case. whenever that wig comes in ermmmmm i dont trust myself to take pictures š my selfie game is dick#maybe ill stream yk2 LMAO but anyway. good night i think im gonna force myself to sleep now#i got back to my dorm like four hours ago or whatever and i am not looking forward to doing school shit again. alongside comm shit#OH WELL we ball good night#wait before i Good Night cackling as i have my meds next to my aoki tablet and plush#great reminder honestly. Take Your Meds Or You'l Convince Yourself To Be A Republican#ok goodnight fr now im gonna giggle and kick my feet thinking of cosplay
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posting for e.x.a.r. - [ 'it's out. keep it out.' ]
#i'm pretty sure sar posted the whole drawing on their blog awhile back#anyway it's almost 5 am we should be asleeeeeeep but i wasn't gonna kick xar out yk#idk how the hell they made that track but it scares the hell out of me#music#my music#i never know what to do for the artist tag for our own stuff cause not all of us say who made it (and we don't always know)#and the name we chose for like soundcloud and stuff is kinda mostly a placeholder i guess???????#depends how we spread the projects i guess#why am i always posting music in the middle of the fucking night when nobody is gonna see it#ššš#ITS NOT MY FAULT VULNERABILITY IS SCARY!!!!!!!!!!!#:/#okay bye#is it still considered an album art if it's just one song#i won't change it cause xar don't want me to but#i just wonder#okay actually goodbye now#i need a snack and sleep#love u all <3
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š§øš§āļø
#so like late last night i started to get rlly panicky nd upset#bc it's v much looking like im gnna fail my english class. i need to be done next wednesday which means i need to work rlly hard#nd go to school extra to have a presentation nd do tests etc etc#nd im still in pain after surgery nd im rlly depressed bc of my physical health so i just dont think i can be strong nd make it this time#in my almost breakdown i wrote a self referral to the clinic/psych department for personality disorders....#it usually takes them around 2 days to answer you but this time at like 8am they sent me a message AND called me#(i think. im not certain it's them bc i havent checked the voice message or the reply lmaooo. but it should be them)#the thing abt having avpd is now im immediately stressed af nd i regret sending it. i donr wanna check their reply#also it might be bc i wrote a lot abt killing myseld etc etc nd now im worried theyre gnna be like girlie get checked in!!!! lol T-T#i just needed to be very clear nd act frsutrted nd desperate bc i have never gotten treatment in 10yrs nd im TIRED!!!!#my initial reaction is to avoid at all costs nd just pull my covers above my head nd pretend like i dont have to check their reply lol#i dont wannaaaaaa. i take it back i dont want help!!! its fine i dont wanna try or work hard let me rot#why did i do this!!!!! fml. anyway... i'll check later today bc since its early i can still use the excuse of sleepinf thru the days#many ppl working w mentally ill ppl understand that it's normal actually to switch the day around nd sleep during the days sksksk#but also i have no idea how many typos r in here bc im not wearing my glasses whoopsie#yeah.. anyway im gonna try to go back to sleep nd not think abt it#hopefully it wasnt even them calling š¤” i know i HAVE to check later but not now i can take a few hours#then today i need to figure out if im gnna make one last attempt w my eng class or give up idk what to do
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Bump in the Night & Sleeptober Day 19: Screams on the Wind & Waves
#6#Sleeptober#Sleeptober 2024#Sleep Token#Bump in the Night#Bump in the Night 2024#Shiloh#Shiloh Webtoon#Webtoon#Hello!#Took like all day but I got things done#I realized Shiloh drawings take a long time bc of the linework#Ollie Iām not totally used to and Shaneās blazer is very meticulous with the stripe placement#And then coloring stuff takes a little bit#This BITN was actually a sketch from last year I was gonna just draw the panel itself#But never did#But now it came in handy so I didnāt have to sketch anything#And for sleeptober#This doesnāt compare to other peopleās entries (@/blanchebees and @/floating-goblin-art made BEAUTIFUL pieces)#But I struggled to find something cool to draw#Went scouring TPWBYT and TMBTE lyrics for some image to pop into my head#Kept getting distracted by singing songs hahhha#But then I played The Night Does Not Belong To God again and it hit me. Like a wave one might say#Bc that song just kinda builds and builds and then crashes on you#Emotionally and sonically#Like a wave#So I decided to make a little piece for it with Sundowning Vessel#Not too complex but it exists#Yuh#anyway see you tomorrow!!!
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Chronic fatigue syndrome is both aptly named but also inaccurate bc they don't talk about the flip side of it where you're so exhausted you can't sleep at all
#the pain isn't helping this but literally I'm always tired but I only got 5 hours of sleep last night and I've been up for 17 hours now#and I feel fine#like I actually have some clarity and energy#it's probably bc I tried a new electrolyte liquid water enhancer thing called buoy#and it's actually really fucking good y'all I'm pleasantly surprised#bc I am NOT a fan of sports drinks at all for both the salty taste and the strong artificial flavors#this shit is quite virtually tasteless and it can go in ANY beverage#and there's a few different kinds#but yesterday I tried the extra strength hydration drops and they were a godsend#today I tried the 'energy' version and I'm not gonna come right out and say it works but#given the fact that my brain fog was less so today despite the high pain levels#tells me it at least did SOMETHING#and yes I know I'll try it again and see what happens#anyways there's a couple other kinds as well (we got the sampler box) and I'm excited to try them too#like I've literally never been this optimistic about my hydration habits literally ever#and it's so fucking easy bc like I said there's no strong tastes which is such a fucking dealbreaker#it's why the ONLY electrolyte drink I will consume otherwise is strawberry lemonade pedialyte#I've tried quite literally every option on the market that I'm not allergic to#this is the real shit y'all
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nothing like a guy you know breaking his hand, doing jack shit about it, and being a little shit in *just* the right way that it gets you to be a little shit back and you end up laughing together
and then once you leave you remember youāve been medically trained for this exact kinda thing for over a decade and your brain suddenly supplies a cozy lil fantasy of you bandaging him up, suddenly forcing you to realize that *fuck* youāve got your dumb little heart involved again, havenāt you
#Iāve got a care kit all ready to go cause Iāll be seeing him tomorrow#and yeah Iāve already emphasized to him how important it is that he sees an actual doctor for it#but itās been two days and he keeps refusing so#guess Iām gonna fulfill another fuckin fanfic trope#at this point I should really just make a bingo card#also I donāt know if Iām crossing my fingers more for him having someone else do it or me#cause I get flustered very easily and itās very goddamn noticeable#and gently holding a cute guys hand while I stabilize it and wrap it is way more than enough to do that#this wouldnāt be a problem if heād just! go! to! a! doctor!#we have a decent chc in town that can heeeeeeeelp#Iād write a goddamn essay about why he should go but even I know thatād be pretty weird#anyways wow itās 5am so Iām gonna sleep now#have a good day/night yāall
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gonna be real I am already so over this whole medical issue thing
#I just want to be able to sleep at night and not feel dead all the time#next stop the cardiologist wahoooo maybe I can snag myself a pots diagnosis. hopefully#really hoping it is pots actually because then I wonāt keep worrying Iām just being lazy or whatever#but other than that things are still not poggers#my neurologist is being very unhelpful ima be real#oh you canāt fall asleep? try meditating :)#girl I can fall asleep I canāt STAY asleep and Iāve TRIED that and it does NOTHING it just makes it harder to sleep actually#one of these days I will be unstoppable. one of these daysā¦ā¦..#itās okish right now because I really donāt have any real responsibilities but VERY SOON I will have to start driving and working and stuff#and I really want to be. you know. not feeling dead when I do those things#anyway ow my head hurts again#which reminds me of something else my neurologist said that pissed me off but Iām not gonna go into that it aināt worth it
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so in juniper's campaign we've just found ourselves in a high-stakes situation that I as a player do frankly find stressful and am anxious about, but hey hi also the DM was like 'okay here are the exact mechanics of how this is going to work because I don't want to surprise you with serious repercussions, also here are all the options you will have to try to do something about the situation-- [affected player] what do you think? honest feedback, I don't want it to feel unfair, I want to be clear that I am not just trying to kill your character, and if it ends up being badly balanced we can revisit it down the road' and oh my god I could COLLAPSE and WEEP with gratitude
#[tears in my fucking eyes] WHAT IF DND WAS GOOD!! WHAT IF A DM THAT'S GOOD!!!#LIKE I've said actually MOST of my DMs are good but because of the way this situation was presented specifically#where-- as NOT the affected player-- it does feel like the way it came up was a little unfair and I AM worried about the stakes--#I REALLY SPENT SO MUCH OF THAT ABOVE-TABLE TALK GOING OH WOW I FEEL LIKE OUR FRIEND ACTUALLY LOVES US AND WANTS THIS TO BE FUN!!#I DON'T KNOW THAT I AGREE WITH WHAT HE'S DOING HERE BUT I TRUST MY FRIEND AND IT'S SAFE FOR US TO TALK ABOUT THINGS LIKE THIS PLAYER TO DM!!#WOWIE THAT FEELS RELEVANT TO MY DND EXPERIENCE RIGHT NOW LMAO!!!#'I've looked at your stats and inventories to try to make this serious but balanced but if it doesn't work we can retool it'#'I want to be extremely clear that this situation could kill destal so I want to be extremely sure that you're comfortable with that--#-- and with how the mechanics are designed around it'#I am fucking. on my KNEES WEEPING. at the contrast with how punishing and DEEPLY unfun felix campaign has relentlessly been the whole time#and how little of a fuck it feels like THAT DM gives when he's like 'this random rolltable encounter was deadly :)'#'you guys didn't get hit last time and got all your spells back right?' uhhh wrong and wrong and we TALKED about that last time#are you gonna revisit the balance on your fifth in a row 'if you fail you'll TPK' scenario? no? yeah I figured lol#christ knows HE'S never invited feedback on his DMing. you KNOW I don't feel safe to say 'hey this doesn't feel fair or fun' with him#AND LIKE!! WITH A DM I TRUST I FEEL SAFE ENOUGH TO REALLY PLAY WITH SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENING!! YAY YIPPEE STAKES AND PATHOS!!!#I don't just want nothing bad to happen ever! but I don't want it to feel careless or heartless or just... Not Fun#anyway. grasping william's hands so tightly. my beloved friend. my wonderful friend. what a relief to have a DM that's good#after the shit we've been through in our now most-frequently-run campaign#the thing I'm mad about is that destal has been making a mystery saving throw every night-- but this was imperceptible to the characters#so we weren't acting on it#and now that he's failed it three times the situation is 'okay NOW you will be maming a con save every night and accumulating exhaustion'#'which can't be removed by sleeping' [six levels of exhaustion Kill You]#so like!! well okay I wish we had had ANY way of knowing how urgent this was before we got to 'now there's a deadly countdown' BUT OKAY#but like I said. he clearly put a lot of thought into the math for the mechanics#he made sure that we DO actually have ANYTHING we can do to mitigate the condition and outlined several options specifically and clearly#he checked in with justin about whether that seemed fair and opened it for future retooling if necessary#so I'm just at 'that was kind of a rugpull dude :/' instead of DESPAIRING lmao#this is a level of Oh Shit that's juicy! this is a level of Oh Shit that might force dramatic character choices out of desperation!#THIS IS AN OH SHIT WHERE WE STILL GET TO PLAY DND ABOUT IT AND HAVE ANY AGENCY WHATSOEVER. WHAT A CONCEPT.#ANYWAY!!! GOOD DND SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!
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still reeling over the fact that almost 2 months ago the guy i was talking to (not dating, but definitely 'seeing') took another girl TO MY AND MY ROOMMATE'S APARTMENT to FUCK HER ON OUR AIR MATTRESS while i was ON VACATION THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY
honestly. how do i get myself into these situations
#followed by him being blackout drunk sleeping on our DOORSTEP the very next day#he said he thought it was weird i said i liked him so soon into meeting him#but he would constantly say shit like 'falling for you more now' and 'my friend told my sister i have a new gf now'#like OKAY HOMEBOY#so dude it's so fucked i'll give more details in these tags in case anyone cares for a lil more context#before my trip back to california for sdcc i talked to him#said hey i know we're not dating but while im gone for almost 2 weeks are we gonna mess around with other people? like where is ur head#he said 'you can sleep with other people because you have a higher sex drive than me but i won't be doing that but you go ahead'#and im like okay weird response but okay cool#before i ended up leaving actually i did end up hooking up w someone and when i came back to my apartment he said 'looks like someone had a#'fun night' but he said it like....in a salty fucking way and i was like ur not allowed to be mad bc you refuse to be in a relationship wit#me despite me LETTING YOU LIVE WITH ME AND MY BFF FOR THE LAST ALMOST MONTH#oh yeah that part too#he was evicted and was staying with us for a few nights that turned into almost a month#NO he did not pay rent YES he did eat all our food#YES im an idiot for not seeing his red flags sooner but i was infatuated#so anyway my friend goes 'he's salty you fucked another dude' and im like excuse me how the fuck is he gonna be mad when WE TALKED ABOUT TH#*THIS#now granted it was a day before my trip so it wasn't ON my trip that i slept with someone else#but im like. how are u gonna be mad im gonna go enjoy myself when you've made it painfully clear you want me but want 0 strings#so anyway while im in california my bff calls me like hey dude john is on our air mattress naked with another girl#i was like excusethefuckME#because 1. he wasn't supposed to be at our apartment anymore so i was surprised he was there at ALL#and 2. how are u gonna ever be living RENT FREE with someone and INVITE SOMEONE ELSE OVER TO FUCK IN THEIR PLACE#i could honestly go on but i doubt anyone read this far as it is#this situation has fucked me up#first red flag should've been his name being JOHN
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