#anyway did not know there was a possible autism explanation

[meshla-cyarika]

My Love, My Life

Pairing: Tech x Jedi!reader

Word count: 1,063

Tags/warnings: angst, grief/mourning, there's alot of signs of autism shown in Tech in this fic but less obvious ones.

Summary: After finding your name in the Imperial obituary, Tech doesn't know how to move on.

A/N: How many aura points do I lose for crying while I wrote this even though it's not that good? I was originally going to have a part two of the reader's perspective where it's reveal that oh my god you're actually alive, but I dont know whether to do that now purely because of how deeply Tech is shown to be grieving and I kinda don't want to take that away from him. Yk what I mean? But if people say they want a part 2 who am I to deny them? Also, yes, the title is based off of that one ABBA song cuz I was listening to it while I wrote this.

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The Marauder was tingling with tension. The genocide of the Jedi, the betrayal of the Empire, the loss of Crosshair and the gain of Omega all happened over the course of twenty-four hours. Everyone had their own reasons to be on edge.

Tech's mind had been on autopilot for days. As soon as he saw what Master Billaba's men did to her and how quickly Crosshair became bloodthirsty for all Jedi, time seemed to stop. He had frantically typed on his datapad to try and find an explanation for such a brutal attack. When Tech saw that it was a full fledged genocide, he swore his heart stopped beating for a second. The only thing that kept him from having a panic attack was his advanced biology.

When they got to the Marauder and fled Kamino, Tech was instantly searching the Imperial database for the list of the dead. He never thought he'd have to check an obituary to find your name, but there you were. Jedi Knight. Executed on Lothal. The reference image they used for you was haunting. To see you stood there, just so alive, with the word executed next to you was enough to make bile stir in his stomach.

It didn't feel real. Tech looked at your information in the obituary again and again and again, but his mind just couldn't process the information. He felt like the only way he could believe you were dead is if he saw your body laying before him and he could never bring himself to do that.

Everyone noticed the difference in their brother. Even Omega, who hadn't even been with them that long, noticed his irregular behaviour. His brothers were puzzled by his reaction to their new living  situation. Out of all of them, Tech should be the least likely to get emotional over this. Then again, change has alway been a problem with Tech. It always takes longer for him to process things like this.

They began working for a trandoshan called Cid to do some seedy work. It was obvious why Hunter made them work for her, obvious to Tech anyway. It was because being sent out on missions that have various conditions is all they ever knew. The concept of settling down on a planet and ignoring the war raging on outside is foreign to them.

It's been ten months, three weeks and five days, since your death. Tech's behaviour hasn't changed and his siblings have assumed it's all because of Crosshair up until this point. Tech had been understanding with Crosshair on Kamino and held only mild hatred for his decision.

No. This is something else entirely.

Hunter's heart aches at seeing his brother's despair and having no idea what's making him feeling this way. Tech being Tech, will never say.

He finally snapped when one of Cid's workers, Phee, persistently kept making moves on him. Tech couldn't help the pure emotion radiating off of him in waves, as he shouted and yelled at the woman. It should be you laughing at his sarcasm, it should be you calling him pet names, it should be you with him. He just wants you and that's the one thing he can't possibly have and it hurts, it makes it feel like his heart has been ripped straight out of chest.

Tech stormed off to the Marauder which was a mistake, because everything in there reminds him of you. Your first kiss on his bunk, your late night conversations in the cockpit, your shared experiments at his desk.

He wants to scream and yell at how unfair everything is. Out of everyone in the galaxy, why you? Why did death have to take you? His perfect cyar'ika who could do no wrong and managed to cling to the little faith you had left through the most devastating battles.

Grief is something Tech has experienced only a handful of times. The feelings still feel new and uncertain and that unnerves him. Tech's emotions are usually filed away in organised compartments that only he understands. Now, everything is overflowing and overlapping. Everything is too much.

It's like a bad dream. He doesn't want to be here anymore. He wants the comfort of a familiar routine, back when his biggest concern was what days him and his cyar'ika would be on shore leave at the same time.

Tech sinks down into the far corner of the bunk room, ripping off his goggles and letting them clatter agaisnt the durasteel floor. He draws his knees up to his chest and wraps his arms around his shins, before leaning his forehead agaisnt his kneecaps.

The last time he found himself in this position was back when he was a cadet. As much as he tried to ignore it, the regs had gotten to him. 99 had found him curled up in the corner of an embryo lab. He had said nothing at first, just sank down next to him and let him know that he was there if he needed him. Tech found himself wondering for years why he couldn't have been like everyone else, why the Kaminoans made his mind work this way. Tech would give anything to be "normal". He never asked for any of this.

A set of footsteps stomp their way up the ramp and Tech doesn't bother looking up. He's prepared for the demanding yells, the overbearing questions and the looks of outrage on his brothers' faces. What he isn't prepared for is someone sliding down the wall next to him. Tech almost flinches at the feeling of someone placing a hand on his back and tenses all the muscles in his body instantly. Eventually, his body goes back to being lax and a shaky sigh leaves Tech's lips, as he leans into his brother's side.

Tech doesn't want to talk about you to his brothers. If he talks about it, then it's real. Your body is rotting on Lothal and he'll never see you again. He can't face the reality of it. It's too real. He can't do it.

The hand on his back rubs soothing circles into his spine. I'm here, if you need me.

Someday, he will tell the tale of his beautiful cyar'ika and you'll become an honoured part of their mismatched family, even though they had never met you. You will forever live on in his heart.

[ratinacoat]

how do you feel about the concept of a "median" - someone in the space between full DID/OSDD and every day dissociation (highway hypnosis)? the way i see it is that it's kinda like the idea of a boundary between normality, maybe? like subclinical DID/OSDD. i'm not too sure about it though

I'm clarifying this before starting bc I know people have their own definitions for the word and I'm using my specific one for this. When using the word "system" here, it is as a way to describe having multiple distinct dissociated parts (DID) or having multiple distinct parts with less amnesia/amnesia with less distinct parts (OSDD-1) This will also be a long post bc I needed to go into detail about why I don't think this is being a system but I put a TL;DR at the bottom as always!

Anyway. there is a space between highway dissociation and DID/OSDD-1. It's a very wide space actually, it's the dissociative spectrum. This kind of shows how that looks.

There's a large space in between every day dissociation and DID. The theory of structural dissociation helps explain the distinction between them all.

People with PTSD have something called an emotional part (EP) along side an apparently normal part (ANP). The EP helps keep the trauma from constantly affecting the person and the ANP is a more grounded state that helps the person continue in their every day life. The more complex the disorder gets, the more complex this gets. Someone with C-PTSD, BPD, and OSDD (not just OSDD-1) will have multiple EPs and one ANP. Someone with DID will have multiple ANPs as well as multiple EPs. The parts in the case of DID will be more distinct, and in OSDD-1 they will either be less distinct with amnesia or have a lack of amnesia but more distinction.

I can't find the pic I usually use to simplify this so I drew it. Excuse my handwriting.

Because of how DID is multiple ANPs but none of the others are, there's no real way to be in between this and still have distinct parts (alters) other than OSDD-1, which you said is also included on the explanation of a "median". However, you can be in between in general. You just can't have alters. BPD, OSDD-2/3/4, C-PTSD, and other disorders that fall on the spectrum can cause identity confusion which might be confused as alters, but the distinction between the dissociated parts is what makes DID and OSDD so different along side just generally different symptoms. A DD in between highway dissociation and DID in a way that's comparable by experience, has distinction between parts, more than one ANP, amnesia between parts, and generally fits the criteria for DID is just DID. If it's missing distinction or amnesia it's just OSDD-1. If it doesn't fit this criteria or it's just identity confusion + dissociation, it's not DID or OSDD-1 and it's another issue.

I don't know if medians are considered endogenic or under that umbrella, but if it is that just wouldn't be possible. Without having the trauma that causes the dissociation to become maladaptive and more severe/complex, you couldn't be in between highway dissociation and DID in a way that would make you able to compare the two in experience unless you're really reaching. DID is far more than feeling like a different person sometimes, wanting to go by different names, gender/prns/sexuality changing, etc. Hell I got asked if I experienced that stuff when getting assessed for autism. A non-trauma caused issue will not be so similar to DID that it falls between DID and highway dissociation.

TL;DR To sum it up, I can understand how someone self reporting could mistake something else for DID/OSDD-1 but I don't think this qualifies as being a system because of the lack of distinction and amnesia that makes DID/OSDD-1 what it is. There's no way to be in between multiple ANPs and EPs without just fitting under a different DD that doesn't make someone a system or OSDD-1 which you stated is included in being "in between".

Also, If you believe yourself to be a median system please do not brush it off just bc that description is not recognized by professionals. If you are experiencing the symptoms of a dissociative, trauma, or personality disorder in such a severe way that it's comparable to DID, there is an actual issue that needs to be addressed even if it's not the answer you thought it was. Getting help and healing from your trauma is more important than being right. If you were wrong about being a system that's okay, if the friends you made from it are truly your friends they will understand and support your pathway to recovery.

[kil9]

Hi! I'm a K-Shawol living in Korea! I was just browsing through Tumblr when I came across your post, and it caught my attention lol. Since I'm using a translator right now, my English might sound awkward, so I hope you can bear with me. So, I saw some posts you wrote a few years ago about Taemin. Specifically, the theory that he might be neurodivergent—like, possibly autistic. Honestly, that theory feels as plausible to me as the one about Key being gay lol. (TMI: Among Korean Shawols, there are almost no fans who genuinely believe Kibum is straight lol. Between his explanation of "Lil Freak," the lyrics of "Born to Shine," or "Mirror Mirror"... everything about it feels like a queer metaphor!) Anyway, you might find this a bit random, but do you remember what Taemin said during Hyeri's YouTube content last summer? He mentioned suspecting that he might have ADHD. That comment didn't really make much noise in Korea, but it seemed to stir a bit of conversation internationally. Actually, I've personally thought for a long time that Taemin might have ADHD or a similar neurodevelopmental condition. And the reason is... I have ADHD myself! The way he blinks quickly when flustered, struggles to fully process conversations, forgets things often, or seems clumsy—all of that reminds me of myself. Sometimes, people even describe him as childlike because of it. The difference, though, is that when Taemin does those "quirky" things, people find it endearing and cute. But when I act that way, I just come across as an immature adult… which is kind of sad lol. Anyway, getting back on track, the things you discussed with others about this topic really intrigued me because I’ve noticed some of these traits in Taemin too. For example, there’s that story about how Taemin didn’t practice choreography on his first day as BoA’s “Only One” partner but instead practiced making eye contact with her. (I love this story so much. I think I read it in an interview somewhere, but I can’t find the original source anymore…) It reminds me of how people often say that autistic individuals have difficulty maintaining eye contact. I don’t know if Taemin still struggles with that, though. Another thing that stood out to me was during SHINee’s comeback show for “HARD,” when Key, Minho, and Taemin went camping. Kibum said something along the lines of, “Taemin is just a quirky, weird person.” I really liked that comment because it highlights how SHINee treats Taemin with extra care. Sure, part of it is because he’s the maknae, but if you look closely, you can see the way they unconsciously accommodate him—like simplifying their words to make them easier for him to understand. It’s like they’re subtly acknowledging that Taemin is different but without making a big deal out of it. They treat him the same as always, just with a touch of extra consideration. Oh, and sometimes, when he makes random sounds with his mouth, it feels a bit like a form of stimming. Anyway, I have way too many thoughts to write them all down! I’d love to know your thoughts about these things. And if you have any other insights I haven’t heard, please share them! I absolutely love discussing this kind of stuff.

hello !! sorry it took me so long to respond, i saw your message when you sent it and it made me so happy i didn't know what to say ^_^ i hope you're still using tumblr lol. i'll put my response in the read-more since its so long

first off, thank you for coming to me for taemin autism discussion, one day i will be the king of taemin autism. i did know about the key being gay thing !! i'm curious how many fans feel the same about taemin neurodivergency or if its just you and me lol. i dont know how it is in korea, but in america the public perception of autism only started to change very recently

yeah i remember the adhd thing ! that really stood out to me as well ! autism and adhd are so closely related, it would make so much sense to think you have one but actually have the other, or it could be the things i was flagging as autistic traits were actually traits of adhd (though, i think he said he realised its not adhd, which makes me think maybe autism). i can definitely relate to the immaturity as well, as someone with autism :') taemin is so lucky, people will love what he does no matter what lol.. and since he's a creator, he gets to be judged by his creations rather than his social interaction (lucky)

i remember the boa thing as well !! its so sweet and funny to me, it reminds me so much of myself. i always see people saying like "how would he be able to be an idol if he had autism" but i think it makes perfect sense if you consider HOW he became an idol. which was, not being happy in school and skipping days, and then getting a job doing what he's passionate about (to avoid school) and then doing the same career for half his life. honestly i would have jumped at the opportunity as an undiagnosed child lol, i had to get so many accommodations just to graduate at all x_x also, i don't want to call his job easy but, it doesn't seem like it would be so bad for an autistic. (yes the concerts are loud, but loud isn't the same as overstimulating, i think a lot of people misunderstand this about sensory processing) like, he has people all around him all the time taking care of his needs or making schedules for him, and a lot of interviews and such are very repetitive. though i love when he says some random stuff in interviews, like when he can't shut up about his cats, or that era where he kept talking about billiards lol

shinee are really sweet to him, honestly i think that's part of why he's made it so far !! some people expect autism to be miserable, and yeah there are some issues that are unavoidable, but i think most of the problems come from lack of support. so someone like taemin who has had SO many supportive people from day 1 is going to be pretty well off !! and yeah his noises are absolutely stimming (tbh i think anyone can stim, people try to make it an autism-only word but i disagree :p) now that he has the kitties he's realised how fun it is to meow, he's unstoppable now lol (also sorry to stereotype, but 99% of autistics are cat people, so this also makes sense for him)

i'm curious if he speaks in any sort of "strange" or "unique" way from a korean perspective ? a lot of autistics sort of enunciate in a certain way (not all of us), but since i'm american i cant really notice the difference in korean accents or intonations, i wish i could :(

the last thing i want to say is… it's not bad to be autistic !!! its so nice to be able to talk with other people who don't see it as an insult, because sometimes when it's brought up, people act like we're being so disrespectful to him -_- but it's not a bad thing !! i know that i don't know him and i could be wrong, but i don't know why its so bad to talk about the possibility. i don't know what difference it would make, other than having something in common with my favorite idol (so maybe i do have an agenda a little bit, lol) whether its autism or adhd or just general quirkiness, i can definitely see aspects of myself in him and thats awesome ^_^

[obsessionatthemoment]

Byler Sims post, part two (tragedy strikes):

Just a little warning, there is a major death that could be possibly triggering (I know it's the Sims, but I don't want to accidentally trigger someone).

Mike wrote a bestseller called "The Upside-Down" (I accidentally made it fantasy instead of sci-fi)

They were painting, and writing next to each other, which was so heartwarming.

Will and their younger daughter Maddy were dancing with each other, which was also very heartwarming.

Mike was writing, while Will made a painting of Mike.

This appeared in the notification wall, and a few seconds later, when Mike went to write a biography, this was the auto-generated title. I actually died, it was so sweet.

Will was painting their older daughter Cecelia, and it ended up being the painting to complete his aspiration (it was a masterpiece, which is so sweet).

Here's a wall in their living room with the paintings Will did of each of them.

Cecelia went to an open mic, and there were famous people there, and stuff, and she was exhausted, having a mood swing, dirty, and hungry. Everyone crowded away from her, it was hilarious and horrible.

Maddy aged up into a teen, so I bought her a cross-stitching set, which I don't think I ever ended up seeing her use. Almost immediately, I found Mike sitting on her bed, cross-stitching.

Cecelia caught herself on fire, and almost died. It was genuinely terrifying, because I have gotten very attached to these Sims.

And, of fucking course...

Maddy died of starvation.

Brief story time, as an explanation. I downloaded a custom content autism trait, because in my mind, Maddy was autistic (I am autistic, and I like having characters be autistic). When she was a kid, I gave her the trait, and she immediately started glitching. Her needs wouldn't fill up, and she wouldn't eat, sleep, or do anything when I told her. When she was a teenager, it got much more apparent, because it wouldn't give me the option of giving her a second trait, or new aspiration. Today, I started playing, and all of a sudden it said, "Maddy is starving to death." I was in shock, and she died, and it was very upsetting.

Anyway, yeah, that happened.

Literally two seconds after his daughter's death... Bro, why are you smiling like that?

Literally two seconds after his daughter's death... Bro, why are you smiling like that?

Cecelia seemed to be the one struggling the most.

Maddy's bed was glitching, and the sheets looked like she was still under them.

Will kept not being sad anymore, like after only a few hours.

Then he would randomly be sad again, which was very difficult to watch.

And, finally, as if things weren't already difficult enough...

Mike is having a fucking midlife crisis.

Stay tuned for other parts (sorry for the bleak ending)!

|1| |2|

[mephestopheles]

This is why I keep going back to the cat-q test and the others because I sometimes have questions but I don't "know" that I have questions. It's hard to articulate sometimes. Both this, here, and just generally speaking. Okay one, I remember having a terrible time in grade 7 with tests, not because I didn't know the information, but I would leave out the explanation on the test.

"You have to explain this to the teachers like they don't know the information."

"But they're the ones that gave me the information, so they know it."

"Pretend they don't know the information."

"But they know it! They taught me this."

It wasn't until one my teachers finally explained that they needed to evaluate what I knew, and could only do that by what I wrote on the test, that it started to click. And I say started because I did argue about class participation and the fact that I was in class to begin with, how could I not know what they taught. And while I didn't have trouble with this in elementary school, mostly due to the fact that it was regurgitation of information, grade seven was when we started getting into essay format to show reading comprehension and to explain not in a restatement of fact of deeper understanding.

Two, I used to go around telling everyone all the things I'd found out. All the fun facts. But my parents had a bit of a phrase, 'stop building the clock when I only asked for the time.' And my least favourite, 'my eyes are glazing over, are you almost finished.'

After a while I stopped sharing facts and asking questions, and opening up or sharing with folks. And this had a weird side effect. I find it hard to figure out what information I'm missing. And when someone says, if you have any questions, I'm left staring mutely at them while I try to figure out what information I'm supposed to get clarity on.

So yeah, I've been punished for not explaining myself well depending on the circumstances, shamed for over explaining myself in other situations. Picked on for sharing things and information I was super interested in because it wasn't interesting to the person I was sharing it too. And in my adulthood especially, I've gotten in trouble for not asking questions because the other party assumes I'm a know-it-all and just being arrogant. Sorry, my teen years trained me that questions will just cause pain and ridicule.

You add that to the gifted kid stereotype where you're expected to pick things up quickly, so when you don't, you feel even more pressured not to look stupid in front of people because they will call you out if you "don't know" something. And also when you do pick something up, but ADHD (and possibly autism) is really good at pattern recognition and making connections, so the questions you do have are edge cases or sometimes advanced level that even the teacher you're asking doesn't know, so they don't answer them anyway. And depending on the teacher make a point of making fun of you or highlighting that you, the student, are the weird one for asking that.

It just reinforces not asking questions.

[errycupid]

A fun feature of trying to figure out the whole "unmasking" thing, which I've been dwelling on, is: How exactly do I figure out, for the first time, over thirty years into life, what kind of relationships I want?

(tl;dr navelgazing about relationships/intimacy below the cut)

I've been dwelling, in particular, on a moment during my autism evaluation, when we were discussing my relationship history. I'd described my relative inexperience with romantic/intimate relationships, which you can basically summarize as: One-and-a-half long-distance, primarily online relationships, one of which ended relatively quickly in friendship and the other of which lingered a few years before I accepted that the other person involved was attracted to me but did not (probably had never) liked me. And I'd been blunt about the fact that my IRL social circle is basically nonexistent, and that I haven't been seriously looking for a relationship for a long time.

So, at some point, my evaluator asked (reasonably enough) if I wanted to be in a relationship. I gave a somewhat reflexive "yes," along with an honest but also sort of reflexive explanation about not feeling like I have a strong enough handle on my own bullshit to be a good partner at this point...? And it struck me that the guy looked really surprised by that answer! (Though it's always possible I misread his reaction.)

The more I've thought about it since then, though...I'm not sure?

Or, anyway: I'm not sure that what I want in a serious relationship meaningfully tracks even an unusual conception of "romance." Like, I would like the other person to think I'm attractive purely as a matter of ego, but I'm agnostic about sex? Not even ambivalent about wanting it, so much as--I feel like I'd be equally happy in a relationship where my partner (a) enthusiastically wanted to fuck me, (b) wanted a dynamic where they fucked other people but not me, or (c) didn't want sex at all.

Likewise, I don't know that I need a "romantic" relationship, as long as there's care and intimacy and some substantial degree of stability involved?

And a part of me keeps circling back to the thought that, on some level, maybe I just want a caregiver? In the kink sense, maybe, but, if so, a very particular, lifestyle flavor of kink: A relationship that turns on an awareness that I'm just not quite big enough to *do* "boyfriend," let alone more than that, that I need coddled and encouraged and given structure first and foremost. Or, to put it another way, if someone I was with primarily saw me as their adopted (adult) kiddo, I think that would be...pretty comfortable?

The immediate problem with this is that how on earth do you explain that to a prospective partner, without sounding like you're from another dimension? Even with someone with overlapping kinks, it is a Major Disclaimer, at least. And for the vast majority of people without, the best case seems like I'd end up seeming like a manchild (derogatory) with a paraphilic fixation. (Which I don't think is accurate!)

And then the more uncomfortable qualm is...are these my interests and expectations because it's what I want, or just because I've internalized that this is what's possible for someone like me? I don't think I experience my interest in the above as an "I'd settle for that" kind of deal. But also I'd be fibbing if I said I could really actively imagine someone wanting to be in a long-term, traditional romantic relationship with me.

Anyway, this has definitely been a fun and neat thing to think about, and not concerning at all...!!

[etirabys]

I was looking for airbnbs in my hometown (where I lived ages 7-18), since my sister has a kid now and the next time we all go back, we’re not going to fit into my parents’ apartment. I realized I couldn’t find the apartment visually in the airbnb results for [city] the way I can zero in on my house from a map of Seattle – I don’t even know if the apartment complex is north or south of the city center. All my Korea location-knowledge is stored as a mental linked list of subway stations (and it turns out I don’t know what direction those run in, either! – the knowledge is practically aspatial).

Anyway, I located my house and zoomed out to memorize map-landmarks so I could find it in the future – in the process reviewing various routes I took to schools and buses in the novel map view – and I was activated. I had some of the same chest and temperature sensations I do when I’m anxious. I always feel dread when I review things like a map view of my hometown, which is weird – I had a pretty happy childhood, wrapped in mile thick bubble wrap of obsessing about fiction every day.

The tentative explanation that sounds more correct than anything I’ve come up with so far to explain this feeling: when I came to the US I went through multiple iterations of “getting a new thing” -> “realizing I actually like that thing” -> “coming to think of having that thing as a need”. The most dramatic example is romance – until I was 20 I sort of considered myself a different species from anyone else and obviously couldn’t interface with people in a mating type way...

(While at an internet convention a few months ago, a con attendee I was in a car with told me that his mom had found him a helpful autism forum when he was a kid because he’d said, “Mom, I feel like I was born on the wrong planet”, she googled some part of this, and she found wrongplanet.com.)

...I’d had several irl crushes, I had a sex drive, but it wasn’t going to work if we tried to interlace gears. I wasn’t sad about this any more than a reader who firmly considers themself not to like horror would feel sad when in the horror section of a bookstore. Then I got a fwb who turned into a boyfriend, and it turned out I liked dating, and a few years after that I was someone who’d be sad if I never dated again.

There were multiple things like that, where I got a nice thing – sometimes a thing I hadn’t even been able to conceive of before – and then "continuing to have that” got added to my list of life satisfaction requirements. And as I get older, my fairly happy childhood seems more and more like a wasteland of deprivation, and it feels threatening to look at a map and review the route I used to walk to middle school. My brain is going, “Oh god, don’t put me back there. Don’t even remind me that kind of stunted existence is possible.”

(I notice that when I go back to Korea alone as an adult, as I did when I was a child, I sort of burrow into myself – I zone out, I’m on my phone, I think about fiction, I tend not to leave my room. It seems a little fucked up, in a subtle uncanny way)

This was soothing and cathartic to write. I don’t have anywhere further to take this, so I’m going to hit post and go bother my husband for affection.

[hauntedselves]

Sorry if you've been asked this before, but can Alters (in DID) present as having separate disorders? For context, we have alters that show complete criteria for certain PDs nobody else shows symptoms of. I know symptom holders are a thing, but I really doubt we deal with that much.

this is a complicated subject, and the short answer is "sort of".

there's plenty of documentation of alters having physiological differences - alters that are vision impaired while the body isn't, and in tests their eyesight is legitimately different, to cite a well-known example (check out this 1991 journal article replicating an older study). the ISST-D DID treatment guidelines notes physiological differences between alters including "differences in visual acuity, medication responses, allergies, plasma glucose levels in diabetic patients, heart rate, blood pressure readings, galvanic skin response, muscle tension, laterality, immune function, electroencephalography and evoked potential patterns, functional magnetic resonance imaging activation, and brain activation and regional blood flow using single photon emission computed tomography and positron emission tomography among others". there's also a post here that neatly summarises this.

as for mental disorders, that's a bit tricky. most mental disorders have a biological basis. neurological and neurodevelopmental disorders (like autism) are hardwired into the brain, so it's not possible for only one alter to have a neuro disorder, though they may show symptoms that could be interpreted that way (probably more trauma linked though) (though trauma does affect your brain's structure... anyway, i digress). (in fact, van der Hart et al. note “autistic and [disabled] parts” as a type of part, that “can be regarded as more or less elaborated ANPs or EPs whose characteristics are defined by the action system(s) which mediate their functioning and which involve particular psychological defenses.”)

it's possible (and actually very common) that an alter will develop an eating disorder or self-harm while others don't. @this-is-not-dissociative has some posts on this: on PTSD, mental disorders, and a more in-depth explanation.

as for personality disorders, there's some argument as to whether PDs are hardwired or not. so it would depend on that. it's more likely that your alters are displaying trauma reactions than having full-fledged PDs. [though since most PD cases are trauma-caused, it's kind of a moot point anyway...]. (remember that trauma reactions are very varied - for example grandiosity in NPD is often a trauma reaction, but so is feeling inferior in AvPD!)

Summary: maybe! if there's no biological basis, it's most likely a trauma reaction. if there is a biological basis, it's more likely that they have that disorder - with the caveat that if it's something body-wide, like diabetes for instance, obviously all alters will have it, but they may react & present differently to symptoms, treatment, etc.

[bunnidid-reviews]

hi! i hope you're doing alright :) i just wanted to ask if there was any piece of advice you would give to someone trying to write a did system as a character. things to be considerate about, misconceptions to avoid, stereotypes to stray away from. anything really. i would like to approach this character in a way that is respectful, responsible and as educated as possible.

Hi, I’m doing well, thank you! I hope you are too ^^ thank you for sending this ask!

Please note: my reply might include things you don’t want to hear right now, so if you’re in a sensitive mindset, take some time away and take good care of yourself. (I know its not my responsibility to warn you, but I want to be a bit thoughtful anyway)

I would like to have a list of all the Bad Tropes for characters with DID, but I simply don’t. I come from a neutral perspective that bad tropes can be done well, and good facts can be portrayed badly. (Marc specter in Moon Knight does kill people, but the accuracy of which they portrayed DID is very good, for example. Tara from united states of tara, has all the correct things that someone with DID would have, but there are aspects that are portrayed poorly.)

I am someone who portrays DID in my own stories, so I’m going to give you the things I think about when giving DID to a character of mine.

First question: Do you have lived experience with DID?

There are many, many subtle nuances to living life with DID, as there are for many other mental disorders and disabilities( I consider my DID to be disabling whereas other people may not) that couldn’t be portrayed correctly unless you have lived experience of having DID, are a clinician who works closely with DID patients, or maybe live with someone very closely and intimately with someone who has DID(like my fiance) But I’d be very wary of the last section because even then, there comes assumptions and biases, like think of the ~Autism Moms~ version of autism.

There are so many tiny things you wouldn’t consider part of DID unless you had lived experience with it, and it shows in the media thats produced. Many of the things I praised in Waking Madison and United States if Tara being due to someone with a dissociative disorder worked on. Unfortunately, if you don’t have this experience, or someone on your team with experience, well.. I believe extensive research can only go so far.

If you condider yourself to have enough know-how with DID, like me, who has a dissociative disorder herself and many friends as well, I would consider this next question;

Does this character really need to have DID?

This is a hard criticism to accept I know, and probably very deterring. But think about it seriously: can the character have similar traits you want to portray due to something magical? What exactly do you want to portray with this character? Is it for the sake of diverse representation? Can you split apart the aspects of DID you want to portray and give another reason to it? (Many symptoms of DID are not exclusive to DID) if the trauma they experienced is really so great that it would create a DID situation, ask yourself again: why do i need to portray this? What aspect do I want to portray? Is there any other explanation?

I ask this to myself all the time to dissect what it is I want out of my DID-coded characters. For the key reasons I came up with, I ended up divided up my reasons amongst characters and created: a magical world that explores aspects of multiplicity. A magical explanation for a protector and protected dynamic. A character with extreme flight or fight responses. A character who dissociates. Several characters that portray parts of myself in their own stories.

Of the two characters I do have with DID, I still don’t diagnose them explicitly as having DID. For one, I don’t have a diagnosis myself. For two: its not obvious to anyone who doesn’t have lived experience with the disorder, but it still gets the point across to the people I want it to (the people who Know)

Intention is extremely important with this, as dissociative disorders tend to have a lot of stigma attached to them, as well as to be little-known about in general media. Your story could potentially be what people first see about DID, do you honestly think you could portray it in such a way that wouldnt give the viewer a weird conception about DID? (Like the typical dangerous crazy person, or ‘cant take care of themselves bean’, or other weird stereotypes people tend to have about disabilities)

If you’ve come out the other end of this and are still considering writing DID, my advice is this:

Look up how to write people with mental disorders and disabilities in a non-stigmatizing way. I personally don’t have enough knowledge on the subject, but there are tons of resources out there.

Do lots and lots and lots of research. My own knowing this much about DID has come from nearly 5 years of looking shit up and honestly? I learned the most making and relating to DID friends

There is nothing random about DID. Consider this carefully while making your character, that everything in each case of DID has layers and layers and layers of subtext that all relates back to one thing: Trauma

Make sure your research goes beyond online. Books are incredibly useful and I’ll be recommending some in coming posts! Please stay away from the overall ~plural~ community for facts about DID, because a lot of people get things very wrong.

Using the ‘correct words’ isnt as important as people think they are. (My fiance and I call my parts the Personas) its really not a big deal, esp if you’re not explicitly diagnosing your character(which id personally avoid anyway)

I’m sorry I don’t have an easy list of misconceptions about DID I could give you :< I know it’s what you asked for, but I only have my own experience and what I understand about my friends to go off for the most part, and aspects I say are wrong, could be another person’s lived experience. I’m still learning things all the time!

I wish you luck on your journey!

If you have more specific questions about my personal experience with a dissociative disorder, I wouldnt mind answering here or on @sundropglass

[well-its-not-human-anymore]

So this is a personal one for me to ask and if you're not comfortable with it don't mind it; how would the tmnt boys (seperate) react when the reader confesses that they're autistic after the boys got curious when she had some peculiar, behavior or stims. The reader would be stressed, because she has a crush on the tmnt boy in question and she didn't want them to find her weird or just stop interacting with her. When she's met with confusion instead, because the boys never heard of it, cue this weird conversation where reader tells them to the best of her ability what it is and the boys just keep asking questions. Also some general headcannons with it maybe?

Okay so I'm actually really happy that you asked me this because I feel like ASD isn't portrayed a lot in any type of media. My ADD and ASD have a lot of overlap so I hope I can capture what you're asking of me!

Now let's get into it!

TMNT Headcanons

The boys reacting to an autistic reader

Leonardo

he wasn't really sure what was happening the first time you reacted

one minute you were standing next to him doing dishes and the next you were attempting to claw your skin off like an angry cat

Leo tried not to look annoyed as he watched you rub your hands against your shirt until your flesh started to turn red

you looked like you were crying but he knew you weren't

but your face was starting to turn purple and your cheeks were puffy from the effort of holding your breath

"Y/N? You need to breathe."

You shot a glare at him, scathing eyes meeting his now very concerned expression

your own softened and you clutched your arms to your chest, heaving oxygen into your lungs until your face became a normal shade again

"Are you okay?"

The words were stuck in your throat and you weren't sure if you should nod or shake your head

so you gave him a half-hearted shrug

he frowned back at you but turned to finish the dishes on his own

when he questioned you about it later he couldn't help but be curious

"Well actually it's uh- it's kinda a sensory type of thing? There are certain textures that I can't stand touching do I avoid them but if I come into contact by accident my brain just kinda explodes and I shut down."

"How exactly does that work though?"

"I don't really understand it much but like- you know that feeling you get when you think there's a bug on you and there's not but it really really feels like it?"

He nodded

"Yeah, it feels like that. And anytime I touch something that triggers that reaction it takes FOREVER to get the feeling off my skin. That's why I usually wear gloves when I do dishes. Guess I just forgot to grab 'em today."

He was sympathetic

and god, you were so embarrassed

lucky for you, Leo's not an asshole

"Well thank you for explaining it to me, you really freaked me out earlier. I'll talk to April and see if we can keep a pair or two at the lair just in case you forget again."

Consider your heart melted

you couldn't even find the words to thank him and holy shit was your face red

"Hey y/n?"

"Yeah Leo?"

"Why didn't you ever tell me- us that you were autistic?"

Did you rip the band aid off now or make something up? Which would ,technically speaking, be less catastrophic in the long run?

"I uh- I really like you and I really didn't want you or the other's to look at me differently..."

wow, you liked him? miss ma'am you have saved this boy a world of anxiety and damn does he thank you for it

"Thanks for telling me... and y/n? I really like you to."

Awh fuck yeah, best possible execution of band aid-ripping-off ever

Donatello

Donnie wished he could act surprised when you finally told him

he really wanted to, it would've made you feel better for sure

but he sucked at lying and he didn't want to make you feel like he thought you were an idiot

because that was so far from the truth

after going through extensive research on Mikey's behalf when he suspected he had ADHD Donnie had stumbled across many different websites that discussed the symptoms and overlaps between both disorders

to make a long story short, Donnie knew that you had ASD and he was waiting for you to tell him

it would probably come off as rude if he brought it up in conversation right?

he didn't want to risk it

but that didn't stop him from keeping an eye on you and your behaviors

he was a man of science, of course he was going to analyze you

not in a weird way or anything, just as a curious sort of precaution

but the longer you were involved in the turtle's lives the more noticeable your stims and meltdowns got, Donnie did his best to cover for you without making you suspicious of him

eventually he'd come up with something that he hoped would come across as a friendly gesture and wouldn't set you off or scare you away

it was game night at the lair and you, as always, were perched on the arm of the sofa, a large grin plastered on your face

inside your head was exploding but you were masking it pretty well if you do say so yourself

but Donnie was, well... donnie was donnie

so when he noticed you starting to rock a little more visibly he removed his attention from commentating the game and grabbed a pair of headphones from the side table

you were beyond confused when he passed them to you but your face revealed everything

"They're noise cancelling, try them on."

holy shit it was like putting your head underwater, everything was muffled

not in the way normal headphones did, you quite literally couldn't hear anything at all, just a calm amount of nothing

you nearly started crying when you realized that Donnie had figured you out on his own

but you'd never been more relieved about anything in your life

Raphael

he wouldn't admit that he was mesmerized by your presence

you practically radiated calm

his complete opposite

it was his favorite thing about you, because despite your quiet disposition and calming aura you weren't afraid to call him out or rebut any of his insults

this was not something you expected him to appreciate nor was it something you thought would make you catch feelings

but damn if you didn't

he'd been sitting in on yours and Donnie's little experiment for an hour or so now, watching you both exchange quiet whispers and inside jokes that you always seemed to lag on

then you slipped up

not bad, nothing detrimental to the project, just the same mistake that you'd already made ten times over

you might as well have exploded

"Y'N, you just have to move thi-"

"I KNOW DONATELLO. I FUCKING KNOW AND I JUST CAN'T DO THIS BULLSHIT!"

you set everything down gently enough to avoid breaking it before turning and storming out of the lab, waving your hands like they were on fire

Raph and Donnie exchanged a look that sent the larger red turtle following after you

when you calmed yourself down enough to talk you kept your gaze locked on the wall, explaining that you couldn't make eye contact when you were upset

he might not be the smartest brother, but Raph's no dummy, he put those pieces together pretty quickly after you told him that one small detail

he wasn't upset that you didn't tell him and you'd personally never been more relieved

your heart nearly splattered into the stratosphere when you finally gace him your own explanation

"yeah, I like ya too."

you grinned so wide you were sure your face would split open and your entire body rocked side to side with excitement

he thought that was pretty adorable too

And he did stick around to offer a bit of support when you apologized to Donnie for screaming at him

Michaelangelo

to be frank it probably shouldn't have taken so long for Mikey to realize that you were autistic

the similarities between your own personality and his ADHD were so in sight it was near painful

it was his turn to make dinner that night and you'd made sure that you came over early to help him set up, you knew how side-tracked he'd get and you were the poster child for solid routine

what more perfect matchup existed?

trick question, there isn't one

you were on one side of the counter cutting vegetables and he was on the other throwing said vegetables into the mixing pot

the music was at an ungodly level of loud so your only means of communication were screaming over it

"MIKEY."

"WHA?"

"YOU GOT THE-"

"YEAH."

"AND THE-"

"UH HUH."

"COOL, HAVE YOU SEEN THE-"

"TONGS? NO, THE SKEWERS. YEAH, THEY'RE IN THE OTHER DRAWER."

"THANKS."

the two of you went about your previous tasks, thinking nothing of the conversation that had just taken place

at least until you'd begun washing your knife and cutting board

that's when Casey walked in, looking both perturbed and annoyed at the same time

"Alright, which one of you knows telepathy?"

Mikey exchanged a glance with you and you returned it with a raised eyebrow

"The hell you mean brah?"

he looked at the both of you like you were the ones that had grown four extra heads before speaking again

"You literally just had a conversation with like five words and somehow just knew what the other meant? What's up with that?"

you glanced at Mikey again

"Holy shit, did we?"

"I mean, not really. You used your hands."

now all three of you were confused but it quickly became two when Casey shook his head in defeat and left the room

"You know I think he's right."

he blinked first and your staring contest ended

"But you used your hands-"

"I got autism Mikey, one does not simply not use their hands as forms of speech."

"You're-"

"Yep."

was the silence laughing at you? could it do that? it was kinda rude

"Huh, that actually makes sense, that's not mean is it?"

you shook your head no

"You're just me but fast."

Mikey agreed with that, pestered you with a few more questions, and went back about working, as did you, you saw no reason to address it further

but your cheeks burned red

"Yo- Y/N that actually explains why everyone else thinks we're a thing."

you didn't know if you could choke on air or not but you did it anyways

"Are we?"

he gave you his signature grin

"If we are then Raph owes April a hundred bucks."

you returned his smile

"Oh this oughta be good."

I'd like to preface this by apologizing for my near three week absence. Life got crazy and my writer's block hopped on a train, went through a school zone, killed seven pedestrians, and committed tax fraud before tumbling off a cliff never to be seen again.

But on the bright side- I got my SAT scores back and started some scholarship applications. Super happy with that. School's out in a few weeks so I'll be able to write more (hopefully).

Anyways, I hope I got this one down okay. I may have hyper analyzed the request so I might be a little off. But I really enjoyed doing this one and I hope you like it!

-Mars 🌠

[nerdshrimp19]

I just need to talk about this...

This is going to be something completely different from my usual content on my blog, but I need to talk about this because I am still livid.

This is most likely going to turn into a long-winded rant, so I will provide a TLDR.

TLDR: A psychiatric nurse practitioner said it would not be worth doing diagnostic testing for Autism and ADD/ADHD because I have good grades and a healthy long term romantic relationship.

For some background, I have been doing online college for two years and with the pandemic I have been by myself a lot more. This gave me more time for self-reflection, and I have always been interested in psychology. I decided to look into ADHD for a new topic to learn about, and when researching I related to the symptoms associated with it. I found myself diving deep into this topic like I do with everything I enjoy learning about and eventually found myself researching Autism because of the comorbidity of the conditions. I also related with some, if not most, of the symptoms associated with Autism, to some degree.

So, I slowly introduced the idea to my parents and boyfriend that I thought I might have both or one of the conditions. My parents were quite dismissive, but my boyfriend thought that my suspicions held some merit. But that was enough for me to go back to getting mental health services. My anxiety and depression were/are also worsening, so I wanted to get back into it anyway. I got a therapist and told her about my suspicions, and we talked about it. She also thought that it would be worth getting me tested for the conditions. So, she got me set up with a psychiatrist to possibly get me set for testing. (Quick side note: the last time I was tested for anything was when I was around the age of twelve and I almost twenty now.)

Surprisingly, I was looking forward to this appointment because of the prospect of getting testing planned, which my therapist assured me I could set up. If you have had a psychiatric appointment, you will know that they will take your medical information like weight, height, etc. That portion went without a hitch, but I was still masking like I usually do with strangers in public.

When I was called back, I was initially encouraged by the fact he was younger than any of my previous psychiatrists hoping that he would be more open minded. I decided that I was not going to mask when I was in the room, so hopefully he can get a more accurate visual assessment. Then when my mother and I got to the room and sat down he introduced himself as a “mental health nurse practitioner.” But I was under the impression that he was a doctor, I brushed this off as a misunderstanding on my part because it is something I often do. Since it was a first visit, we went over the basics like medical history, mental health history, medications, etc. But, when I brought up the possibility of me having something else besides/alongside my current diagnoses, I was dismissed. Then I finally brought up getting testing done for ADD/ADHD and Autism Spectrum Disorder, and he asked me how I am doing in school. And I had good grades last semester. Next, he asked about my relationships, and of course I told him that I have a boyfriend who I have been with for almost four years. He decided that those two things alone were enough to say that he did not see a need for testing. Because according to him “it is not affecting me enough for it to be worth getting a diagnosis.” This man had the nerve to tell me that with me rocking back and forth, playing with a fidget toy to keep me calm and present, me making very little eye contact, both or one of my legs bouncing, and even after I told him that my father has diagnosed ADD and my brother has diagnosed ASD. Maybe if he looked anywhere besides my chest for a few seconds, he might have seen some of what I was doing. He attributed everything he was seeing and what I was telling him to my anxiety. Yes, I was quite anxious because I am horrible with crowds and strangers, which I told him. I also have lots of anxiety regarding medical settings because of chronic illnesses and mental issues. But of course, my people pleasing self just accepted this and did not press any further.

As soon as I was out of the building, I began telling my mom that it was not fair at all that he would not even consider letting me get testing. I also explained to her that he was going based of the typical, male associated symptoms of both conditions. “Does he not know that both ADHD and Autism present differently in women,” was what I asked my mom while trying not to cry out of anger in the car. Because I thought that I could finally get an explanation and label for why I am so different, and it was just taken from me. Even though this happened only a few days ago, I feel so much more isolated and invalidated than I did before the appointment. Having the opportunity to make sense of my life and myself being ripped away from me has effected much more than I thought it would.

I knew that it was harder for females to get a diagnosis for these things, but I was at least hoping that it would not be the case for me. It sounds naïve now, but my therapist validating me gave me hope that it would be different. My mom and I are looking into other people who might give me a chance to get tested and hopefully it will go better than that did. Although, I should not be surprised about any of this happening, mental health services in my state are a joke anyway.

Anyway, if you made it this far congrats you made it too the end of this way too long post. Thanks for reading what I had to say. This is not really adding anything to the discussion, but I just needed to tell someone, so again thank you for reading.

[fenmere]

Endogenic does not mean "without disorder" or "without trauma".

It simply means "not formed from trauma".

No one owes you an explanation or a life's history for how they identify. Ever.

Now that that's out of the way, your questions:

How are you plural?

Because we fucking say we are. (We tend to listen to each other regarding these things, because there's usually trouble if we don't.)

How can you be so sure?

Why do we have to be sure? Who gives a flying fuck? Why are you even asking this? What purpose does it serve? How can you expect people to treat "genuine questions" with respect, when this is one of the questions?

Look.

If, on the other hand, you're asking for comparative experiences to help yourself evaluate your own existences, consider this:

You don't owe anyone these explanations either. You didn't need to tell us your trauma, or your disorders. It's irrelevant.

No outworlder can look into your head to verify what's going on in there. Not even a psychologist with an MRI. The only other people who can see what's going on in your brain are your headmates. Period.

You are what you feel you are. You are what you know yourself to be. You get to call yourself what you need to call yourself in order to sleep well at night.

That's it.

Are you saying that you don’t have any little things like this?

No, we are not saying that. That's not what "endogenic" means.

You guys don’t have any of this either?

Possibly yes, possibly no. It varies by system. "Endogenic" does not mean without disorders.

A little bit of a genuine, personal answer anyway:

Other people know we're plural because it's obvious even when we're trying to hide it. Our ex-wife knew before we did. But we know we're plural because we talk to each other, wrestle control over the body from each other, squabble, love each other, and generally make it obvious to each other that there are many people in here. We have all sorts of interesting disorders. We've had a lot of traumatic experiences, and have CPTSD because of it (which basically manifests as DID, but treating it as CPTSD works pretty well).

We're pretty certain that our plurality comes from how we developed as a fetus, a combination of our autism and our intersex condition. We've decided to claim that as our origin, because it makes us happier and more functional. And no one gets to tell us we're wrong.

Oh, right, and fuck you for being anti-endo you god damn bigot. You can stop being anit-endo to remove the fuck you.

Endos,

(This is actually genuine)

How are you plural?

How can you be so sure?

Because I started out thinking I was endo cause my childhood was *great* and I was loved and cared for.

I had friends in my head and I thought that was all, so obviously I was only an endo, right? No problems, just fun and kindness from inside me.

CW: mild abuse described

My mum didn’t speak to me for a whole week, but I still got fed.

I lost my sports kit once and got grounded for a month.

I used to get left at the dinner table alone until I’d finished my dinner (because I was a slow eater and never hungry enough to finish a plate) and could hear the rest of my family laughing and having fun in the other room while I cried alone.

My stepmom made me blow dry my hair after every bath by myself but my tiny arms weren’t long enough so I’d constantly bang and burn my scalp.

Abuse description over

There’s more little bits, but I’m done. My point saying all of this is that each of these things were so easily overlooked because they’re all so small and I had no idea any of them could be considered abuse or traumatic, but that’s what caused all this for me.

Are you saying that you don’t have any little things like this?

I’ve had Function Neurological Disorder since I was 14 and I’ve only just been informed it’s actually a type of dissociative symptom. Just another part of my life that tells me I’m disordered.

You guys don’t have any of this either?

Thanks for reading all of this if you have and, again, these are genuine questions! I did become anti-endo when I starting to realise I was traumagen, for various reasons. But you’re a big community so I’d like to reach out and see things from your perspectives if I can!

Thanks again if you respond!

[darkobssessions]

Coping Tips for Autistic Women

I am compiling a list of resources for aspie women along with tips to manage symptoms and navigate the world. Regretably, most of my personal experience comes from living undiagnosed and unaware about this for the last 27 years. There was a giant elephant in the room with everything, and I have only recently worked it out. This means that most of my habits prior to this point were ones attempting to cope with a giant unknown, the limits of which were unclear. But they more or less worked, because, as I am realising, there’s always been something they are attempting to address.

With other diagnoses and ways I attempted to explain and understand my difficulties, there were finite causes and treatments. I should have been improving if I tried x, y, or z. And I did improve my symptoms in many ways, but there was something missing from the picture. That is that autism is my personality, my state of being, how I process and view the world. And no tool, medication, process or treatment was ever going to change who I really was. Being misdiagnosed (or being missed and failing to receive the autism diagnosis) means that I have been trying to correct something that you cant ‘correct’, and shaming myself for something fundamentally me.

Some of the tips I learned over time, from how I am as a person, without the framework of reference of neurodivergence or autism:

Sensory:

My sensitivity has always been a big waving flag. I felt and saw things others didn’t. I felt more deeply. I sensed the microeffects and changes in everything. I responded harder and faster to any chemical, environmental shift, any positive or negative event, As we all do on the spectrum, we attempt to navigate our sensory environment. And we come up with coping mechanisms, good or bad, before or after we realise we are on the spectrum. For me this was a strong aversion to the things that upset me, that disturbed my senses. It was an orienting of myself in a way to avoid the disturbances, going inwards, withdrawing and even shutting down. I learned that I could not and did not want to handle crowds, loud places, supermarkets. I lived in a giant simulation attempting to minimise and avoid as much as possible the things that hurt. I learned that I was extremely sensitive, no one else seemed to be, and I just had to manage it. Since discovering autism in the last weeks, I am able to embrace the fact that sensory overload is a thing, and I really do feel pain in my body when things are too much and too loud, and just wearing earplugs has mitigated so much of this. I was gas lighting myself before about feeling a certain way because there was no explanation, that I was aware of anyway.

Physical:

I have had so many problems over the years, since I was a young girl. I used to get food poisoning symptoms really easily. I had hidden allergies. I remember a lot of my childhood spent doubled up with stomach pains, or having a fever. My family didn’t know any better and fed me and treated me as they did every other member. I was not the same, I did not feel the same, but I took it all in. By the time I was in my early teen years, I had cemented my aversion to certain foods, taken the only control I had at the time against an encroaching and controlling mother and turned it into anorexia. I avoided things I didn’t like, again, and set up a system of control that made more sense than the gaping wounds and confusion within me. Starvation triggered bulimia. And a viscous cycle of malnourishment and dysregulation unfolded. I didn’t learn until many, many years later that my system was so sensitive and damaged that if I tried to go back to how I used to eat as a child, I would get terrible symptoms. So my coping tips as I have healed from the eating disorders and become more aware is to figure out what the triggers are, what hurts, and to avoid it. This along with adding in nutrient dense foods and working on the deficiencies has done wonders for me. I’ve done tremendous work on my autoimmune conditions, gut problems, sensitivities and inflammation levels and the difference is like night and day. That I can induce psychotic symptoms by deviating or introducing foods I am intolerant to is no joke. The tip I can share is elimination diets truly do work, the keto diet is recommended, and eating the carnivorous way saved my life. My eating disorders for almost 15 years INCLUDING the 7.5 years I was a vegan, mostly high raw and fruitarian depleted my nutrients so badly that every symptom was enhanced 100% and I was eating pretty much ONLY food I was actually intolerant to. Ahem, plants, I’m talking to you. The peace I feel, the nourishment and rest on a nervous system level having eliminated them is unreal.

Social:

I have always known I was different, in a deep, visceral way. How the adults in my life answered questions was inadequate. I saw through people and things. I was far too intense and serious. I learned to watch and observe humans and pick up cues so as to attempt to fit in. I spent the majority of my life masking, something I am only now finding out about and unraveling. I kept notes on the human experience, and saved colours, sounds, feelings, because I felt like I couldn’t communicate the truth of myself otherwise. Over the course of my life there have been inexplicable (until now) events. Lost friendships and relationships, strings of broken promises, people not acting on what they say, confusions and miscommunications, and many dangerous situations and predatory bonds. I made what sense I could of it from whatever lens I could find. It was the trauma, it was my soul contract, it was what I deserved, it was being targeted- all close, but not quite within the realm of being so naive, open and fundamentally different as you are on the spectrum. I just always assumed everybody was like me. I had to learn the very extremely hard way that not everyone felt and thought in the same way, nor had good intentions. I still struggle with the fact that humans don’t tell the truth. It is of no relevance whether they secretly know it. Most people are more comfortable with illusions. I always knew this, but the diagnosis gives me a lot more peace around it. It’s allowing me to accept the fact that if I look around the majority of the people I see are not walking around processing and over-analysing everything, feeling sounds, decoding patterns and obsessed with hacking the code of reality. Less pressure that way, and more in the way of what can be viewed as natural interaction on my part. I will solve the mystery of the universe out loud otherwise, and get the blank looks and the discomfort. I have found my people, a tribe of likeminded individuals, I have gathered friends over the years that didn’t run from my weirdness. But I am mostly content to be on my own, knowing that I can only use what is around me to try to convey how I feel and who I really am. And that will probably be a book, a movie or a work of art, much better than a 2pm rendezvous when I can’t stop talking about the hidden signs.

Emotional:

With the intensity of my emotions I have developed borderline personality disorder as a means to cope with being autistic and not knowing. I have been diagnosed with both that and bipolar because I have intense stints of emotions. They come and go in waves, lasting hours, lasting days and weeks. I consider it to be an energy management system to cope with the demands and stressors of modern day living. Creatives always withdraw and hibernate, and come out with new insights and art to share. The way that I feel and view the world is special. It’s at the basis of my writing, what I choose to engage with and how. My emotions make me who I am. I feel intensely, I share passionately about how I feel. I snap, I break, I shutdown, I come out again and I am a bright, shooting star. There is an excited little animal that lives within me and it is the strongest most passionate thing known to man. I thought that my negative experiences or trauma killed it, but this is before I knew it IS me and cannot die. So I have stopped trying to cram these emotions in or explain them. Stopped trying to attribute them to whatever script people were following when they dealt with me. Throwing me into the depressive, anxious, panic stricken, eating disordered basket case category. The missing piece now makes so much sense. The ways I responded to being autistic were coping mechanisms, such as developing a personality disorder, to deal with the pressure. My psyche splintered under the weight. My tip here is in embracing your inner life and world, embracing that you are different, so that all of the mental and emotional acrobatics needed to attempt to explain the issues or fit in can be put to rest.

Spiritual:

Being different and feeling differently means I naturally saw and expressed things in quite a strange way. I was convinced of a secret world to reality, behind reality, living on behind a paper shell, so to speak, that would rip if only I could reach out and tear it aside. That conviction was rewarded as year after year my awareness grew, my gifts multiplied, and the experiences I had revealed to me the hidden hand of god. There was very much design to the universe, a pattern, weaving through all things. And i was a part of it, not some discarded afterthought or simple byproduct that had no place. In the early years, I kept my convictions to myself, nursed them with experience. I died a thousand deaths in dark nights of the soul, crashing against the turf of my ignorance. I broke open, and everything I had been so sure of as a child was revealed to me again and again. I was convinced I had a purpose, I could feel the deep tides of human emotion and motion, could feel into the genetic sequence that had birthed me. I felt like an alien, but that slowly over time the map of my operation was being revealed to me. This is what it feels like so many years later to stand here and find out about being autistic and realise that how I felt in my soul all these years was real, and that I can begin to truly fulfill this mission now, to share my experience in words I know others will understand because they feel the same way too. It was the challenges that I never understood, while the gifts were the reason to stay alive. My message to myself and others now is that there is a point, a reason to persevere and understand yourself more. The suffering reveals so much of the true state of things, so that we can protect our tender hearts and build new things that honour who we really are, our souls. 

Resources, movies, literature to follow. I just wanted to share something of a summary now of my realisations since coming home to myself.

[transsexualhamlet]

so about norman’s ethics

The thing that a lot of people don’t understand about Norman is that he doesn’t believe in the like, political sentiments that he acts on in the slightest. Yeah, this doesn’t make it ok that he did a bunch of shitty stuff, but it’s a misconception to say norman like, genuinely believes fucking eugenics are a good thing.

And yet, he decides to act on the idea to degenerate and genocide the demons and seems not to understand why Emma wouldn’t agree with him. People’s explanations of this seem to be pretty much one of two minds, either:

His morals are corrupt: Norman wants all the demons dead because what they did makes him think they’re all bad and don’t deserve the respect humans get, which is understandable but still wrong, or

His morals are intact but he ignores them: Norman feels bad that he’s doing a bad thing and does it anyway because he can’t find a better way out, which honestly makes what he did worse, though Tragic.

The second one is more accurate, but still doesn’t completely explain his ideas.The truth is that, in my opinion, he just barely understands the concept of morals in general, and what’s ‘messed up’ is simply his priorities. That sounds like I’m saying he’s a twisted cycle path but I swear I’m not, it’s just like him having low empathy. This is another, autism thing, and it’s another thing that I have, so I’ll try to explain it as best as I can?

Personally, I understand and try to follow sociatal expectations for moral things like, you know, do not kill people and what not. Because it’s bad or... whatever. And although I can cognitively understand the reasons why people think so, I don’t value it in the same way. Obviously I wouldn’t kill a person, there’s no need for me to in a world like this, and it would be inconvenient and probably make me feel bad despite not understanding why it is bad. But I’ve known from a very young age if I had the power and reason to kill someone, I absolutely would, no questions asked. Not even the necessity, just a logical reason. Most of the time this means nothing and isn’t applicable in the real world, because most of the people around me would be negatively affected by it. But it means nothing to me personally, and if prompted I could change at the slightest reason.

This is what I think we’re dealing with in Norman’s situation. 

Norman, in grace field, has no reason to violate any intagible laws of right and wrong, in most cases, until the escape arc happens. Yeah, I do believe Norman probably lied significantly more than the average child, because he didn’t see any reason not to, but I doubt it hurt anyone bad, they lived in, well, basically a neverland. He’s just a slightly off white little man. But when he is faced with a risky and dangerous situation, he might look Correct on the outside but the closer you look the more you realize his actions are directly impacted by the situation around him, completely independent of any internal moral compass. 

Ray wants to only escape with those three, because although he feels extreme guilt for being the way he is and completely understands it’s a selfish and terrible thing to do, he’s too cynical to accept any other options. Norman initially agrees with him, because Ray explains the risks. Emma then insinuates she wants to bring the other kids, giving ideas as to how. Norman then switches to Emma’s plan because he believes it can be achieved and he wants Emma to be happy, not because it would be wrong to do otherwise. At the same time, he later ships himself out, without much consideration to the others’ wishes against it, because now that it’s gotten impossible to have both, Emma’s and Ray’s safety is more important now than their happiness. Though he can understand that they’d not like that, it’s not that important to him in the long run. He will choose the path that offers them the greatest chance, if the one his friends want isn’t good enough.

When he was shipped out and taken to lambda, what happened is he was put in a situation where the stakes become much higher. There’s a different kind of situation, and the idea of simply running away from the demons is obviously not an option. When he escapes, and basically adopts the lambda kids- now he’s surrounded by people with the opposite morals and ideas as Emma. These kids want revenge, they would be happy to kill the demons, their ideal situation involves that and trying to reach any compromise would be unsatisfactory. The overwhelming majority of the kids agree with killing the demons, and that idea makes him seem stronger and gives him more certainty and control over the situation, even if it’s difficult and hurts him personally, making him a “Bad Person” to Emma. 

Norman harbors no personal hatred towards the demons, nor any specific desire to kill them. He just doesn’t see any viable reason not to, and killing them provides both him and the people he cares about with a more beneficial situation. Emma is now the minority, and even though she provides an idea that could work, Norman, after seeing so much pain and suffering, is no longer willing to take the risk for her, like he was in grace field. He is incapable of understanding why she values a sense of right and wrong more than the actual statistics of how well one or the other could work- yes, they had different experiences, but she lost other people because she decided to take risks, and she still believes in it? It simply doesn’t fucking compute.

An important aspect to consider is that it still does make him feel bad not to follow a more traditionally accepted route. He might have low empathy but he’s not an emotionless robot. Not understanding morals doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a concience, though it’s much more ambiguous and generally equates to any other thing, such as the actual convenience, details, or certainty of a plan. It’s not of any more importance, and he is in a situation now where it’s inconvenient to pay attention to, more so than in grace field. So not following a Nicer route does take a toll on his Feelings TM, same as it takes a toll on his literal body, but that’s a sacrifice he’s fine with, it’s a sacrifice that’s significantly smaller than the chance that someone he cares for could die.

Generally, most Lukewarm Takes on Norman can be disproven with this idea (pretty much anything that insinuates he would see the demons as less or like, he’s doing it because they did awful things to him, understandable but hey this isn’t tokyo ghoul and he’s not that kind of character), though everyone is obviously free to have their own takes and I doubt Shirai took his autistic coding into consideration, so it’s obviously my own idea.

Although Norman’s actions have correlation with Ray’s before, Norman isn’t disregarding his physical needs and trying to sacrifice himself out of any idea that it would make up for what he did, he’s doing it because it gives him more control over his own situation, he values his own well being less than his family’s, and he doesn’t understand why it would be Bad to do so. If we’re really digging deep, it’s likely he doesn’t want to have to experience any real consequences for his actions. He understands that they’re Bad, but this isn’t important to him, more than anything else. He doesn’t want to see Emma’s disappointment because it would complicate things.

After Emma and Ray, well, complicate things, ie face him and force him to see there are real consequences to his actions past Ambiguous Moral Obligations (ex. “you’re Taking Advantage the lambda kids” means nothing until he sees that it’s stopped them from being able to grow as people and forgive, “you’re neglecting yourself” means nothing until there’s an idea brought up that could fix him, “you’re trying to kill so many fucking people” means nothing until he sees that it’s hurting the human kids.) and that there’s a valid flaw in his personality past that- that it’s not a strong but a cowardly move, he can move forward and attempt to change things, possibly give himself a fucking break. 

In that situation, with other solutions that Emma and Ray have opened up actually seeming to work, he no longer finds it necessary to Be Terrible and hurt himself. This makes him feel better, because he doesn’t want to be Incorrect, it’s just a difficult thing for him to understand, when most other things come to him naturally. I think in the future he can be more cognizant of the fact that he’s more suceptible to doing generally, unacceptable things, and vows to lean more on Emma and Ray so he doesn’t end up going down the wrong path again, because to him they all look the same color.

Yes, this is my long ass way of telling Shirai why the fuck did you let Norman be a CEO. That’s a terrible fucking idea, he’ll become capitalism, guys?! Don’t let him do that. He needs to be in a job where like, he can use his skills without having to make Ethical Decisions like... an engineer or something. Computer scientist. IDK. Just not a fucking CEO, not in a management position for anything.

Honestly, it’s difficult for me to even use the alignment chart because I don’t understand morals enoughto put anyone in the Evil category because the idea of ‘evil’ doesn’t exist for me. So yeah, I’m projecting, but in conclusion I just have a bone to pick with anyone who wouldn’t call norman lawful neutral. 

[iicraft505]

I actually don't know if I actually think autism is the best explanation for autism traits that Sterling has, but honestly it fits. And also. I'm autistic and he's one of my favorite characters and I can do what I want

I mean he has the traits, it's just possible that they're caused by other things.

Also like, in my experience. It can be hard to separate effects of childhood from autistic traits, especially later in life. So. Even given his childhood, by all rights given that he went to a boarding school, and what seems to be a pretentious one at that, he shouldn't necessarily have been bullied, and could have had friends. Unless there was something else *cough*autism*cough* making it more difficult for him to make friends and relate to his peers. The likelihood he was the only one at the school that had alcoholic abusive parents is.. unlikely.

It's also possible he's obtuse on purpose, but honestly.. i don't think that's the most convincing explanation

It's also unclear if he graduated from college (i think he did, and evidence points to it being from Georgetown with a degree in Theology, but it's extremely shaky, one picture in one scene in an animated show with occasional continuity problems does not certainty make, but I digress), but also.. it's possible that he was at his pre-college school for more than the """normal""" 13 years, though I don't think it's ever outright stated in the show

It's also possible, given the flashback in Once Bitten, that his fear of alligators and crocodiles came from knowledge of them, instead of the other way around. It's also possible that that never actually happened. We'll probably never know who Archer's father is anyway.

His knowledge of guns could be due to his job, but it seems unlikely to me given that he's good at his job mostly by dumb luck and not skill, and that the more competent ISIS agents (and villains/other characters (Coyote Lovely)) can't count bullets with that kind of accuracy. While probably harder in real life, especially with multiple guns firing and shit, i do think that it's theoretically possible that someone could have the knowledge of guns necessary to be able to at least somewhat have an idea if someone was out of bullets or not.

Also, burt reynolds?

Also, relatively saying things like "phrasing"? In a video about the use of language in Archer.. it seems Sterling has a lot of things he repeatedly says.

In terms of constantly telling everyone he's a secret agent.. that could be narcissism or something as a result of trauma from childhood.. but it's possible it could be caused by autism?

I don't really see the stacking rocks in Coyote Lovely as anything noteworthy, as it seems to me it was done to prove a point and it isn't a pattern of behavior anyway

I mean, Archer is an arrogant, self centered, sex-obsessed asshole, but none of that necessarily means that it's impossible for him to be autistic

Anyway, like I said, i do what want. I headcanon Sterling Malory Archer as autistic and you can pry that from my cold dead hands

[pikapals16]

Just When It Gets Better, It Gets Worse (not finished)

tw: non-con, abuse, self-harm, sensory overload/panic attack, suicide attempt (these were planned tw's so not all of them are in this draft, but just to be safe)

A summer day spent at the mall with her visiting family should've been fun. It probably would've, excluding her past and her parents' denial that anything of any sort happened.

This isn't the case if you couldn't tell.

Kat's family was walking through the mall center when a group of people catches her eye. It's not like this group came together, they're all gathered up and definitely staring at something. Normally Kat would just walk on pass, but the sound of distress convinces them to sneak into the crowd.

After scooting to a place where she can observe, they see the subject of curiosity is a girl, about her age, and who's clearly in a sort of panic attack. Her hands are clamped and pulling at her hair, her body rocking back and forth.

The girl in pink watches as someone tries to approach her before someone else yelling back.

"Don't get close! She's probably one of those weirdos with autism." Kat pushes down their anger at the offhand comment. This girl doesn't deserve that, she's already in distress. Kat looks around for anyone the girl could've come with, as it is very unlikely that she'd have come alone

She sees two men, mid to late fourties, frantically looking around for something, which puts them as the most likely possibility. They consider going up to them to inform them of the situation, but she figures they already know, explaining the distressed look on the their faces (and assuming that they are who this girl arrived with).

Kat digs inside of her bag, looking for something that might help ground the panicking girl. Nothing that'd be remotely helpful, and she never brings their stress ball or fidget cube with their parents around. Something about disbelief in non-physical diseases, but she'd rather not risk it.

What they do take out though, is one of those toy rings with googly eyes. To be frank, Kat isn't sure why she has the old toy in her bag, but perhaps it will help the girl calm down? It's not like they have anything else to use.

Slowly, Kat slips closer to the girl, choosing to ignore any comments made, and sits in front of her, making sure to maintain distance to not make her feel uncomfortable.

Admittedly, they haven't been in a situation even remotely similar, but they've read some articles that give her an idea of what to do. The rest, she's just winging it.

Slipping the ring onto her finger, Kat raises their hand.

"Hi, I'm Mr. Goggles." Kat opens and closes her hand to imply that it's the one speaking. As it does, Kat can see the girl look up in curiosity. They guess that it seems to be working. "What's your name?"

Kat cringes a bit, this girl is probably a college student, she doesn't need to be dumbed down.

"C-Cathy." Cathy's eyes seem to light up at the character. Although her hands haven't moved from their position, they've stopped pulling, and her rocking looks like it's slowing down. Kat smiles at her, hoping she recognizes it.

She takes the ring off of her finger, and holds it out in their palm, offering it to her.

"You can have it." They say just loud enough for Cathy to hear. The latter looks at her in confusion. Why would the pretty girl be giving this to her of all people? She doesn't even know her. "It's okay, really."

At this point, Cathy's hand have since released from her head as she contemplates this. Hesitantly, she reaches out, causing Kat to scoot forward so she can hand it to her.

Cathy curiously spins and shakes the toy before putting the ring on her finger, like the pretty girl had. She opens and closes her hand, and her heart seems to flutter--at both the shaking sound of the googly eyes, and the little character that appears on her hand.

Kat smiles when they hear quiet coos coming from Cathy's mouth. What she did seemed to work, and she's calmed down.

Speaking of which, they should probably go and find their parents before she gets punished. Again. Yet, there's something that draws her towards this...stranger. She can rule out love, as she identifies as demisexual, but they're tempted to stay here in their little bubble.

Without any outside influence, just them-

"Oh my god, thank you." The two middle-aged men briskly walk over, one of them kneeling to communicate with Cathy through what looks to be sign language, and the other turning his attention to Kat.

Feelings and memories are shoved down into the archives of Kat's mind. She doesn't need or want to remember, and this guy shouldn’t have to worry over another panic attack.

”Thank you so much for calming her down. My husband and I really appreciate it. Not many people have enough patience to deal with our daughter’s autism.” The thought of these two men being married and raising a child calms some of Kat’s nerves, but just some.

”You’re welcome. Does she go to school here?” Kat curses at themself for asking that, but surprisingly the question isn’t taken a wrong way.

“No, we’re just visiting friends.” The other husband mentions as he helps Cathy up. “But thank you for being so kind. It’s rare that people listen.” Oh. Kat would know that firsthand. The countless times it’s happened.

“Yes, for sure.” Is what she settles with. They don’t need to know. “I should get going though. Wish you all the best!” With the goodbye, Kat runs off to find their family, praying they didn’t notice her absence.

But of course, they did, and while she’s being scolded at, Kat lets her thoughts take over for a bit. It’s not like it’d end any differently. It’s always the same punishment and Kat hates it each time.

They’ve felt nothing for the past couple of years but today just seemed to be different. An unlikely meeting, yet Cathy seemed to have an effect on them. And they only met for a couple of minutes if anything.

They don’t know why she’s putting so much thought into this.

What are the odds of them meeting again anyway?

-

Kat walks up to their meeting spot for lunch. She doesn’t have friends, acquaintances really, but they eat with them to trick themselves into thinking they are her friends. That she’s not completely alone. To distract herself from other things.

Right before they sit, Kat sees someone else, seated by themselves. People walk past without so much as a second glance, and Kat can’t take their eyes of them. They have brown curly hair, and they’re wearing a blue hoodie, which in itself is a bit odd for August.

Kat fiddles with their pink crop top. She sees herself in this mystery person. The emptiness and loneliness. Perhaps if they help the other, maybe they’ll feel less damaged as well.

”Do any of you recognize them?” Most of them don’t, but someone claims to have seen her in their creative writing class, and another claims that she has ASD. “I’m gonna go talk to her.”

The girl in pink sees the strange looks from their lunch mates, but like she’s done before, it goes ignored.

"Hi." The girl on the bench looks up at the new voice. "Can I eat lunch with you?" The brunette scoots over and pats the empty space for her to sit. As Kat sits down, the other can't seem to take her eyes off her. She's pretty.....and someone she hasn't gotten the chance to thank yet.

Quickly the girl in blue digs through her bag, looking for a certain item that a certain someone had given her on a certain summer day at the mall. She shakes the rings back and forth to get the pretty girl's attention.

"Oh. Wait." Kat takes a better look at the girl she's sitting next to. No wonder she felt familiar. "We met over the summer. Cathy, right?" Cathy nods, smile growing on her face. "Well, I never told you my name, so I guess I'll do that now. Hi, I'm Kat. She/they pronouns."

"She/her." Cathy points to herself as she speaks, to make sure that Kat didn't think that Cathy didn't support their pronouns. "And thank you." Kat tilts their head in confusion. "For Mr. Goggles and helping me during my meltdown. You kinda saw me at my worst."

"Oh um, it's nothing." Lie. "Hold on, I thought you were just visiting?" ..Not a complete lie, she put some pieces together.

"My dad got a job here and my pop didn't want to be more than an hour away from me because....you know." Cathy realizes she's been stimming, but doesn't stop her actions, rather glancing at Kat to see her reaction. Nothing. Kat's eyes never leave Cathy's, well really her head since the latter isn't a fan of direct eye contact.

And that's another thing. Kat doesn't force eye contact like the other's experienced so many times before. Cathy's met very few people who are similar, and she holds them all close to her heart.

"Yeah."

The two talk for a little longer before departing for their separate classes. 'Two' honestly refers to Kat leading the conversation and Cathy commenting when prompted, but neither really care. They make sure to exchange numbers, but little did they know how much they would end up depending on each other.

-

She was minding her own business, honest. Cathy was never one to go into crowded places alone, for obvious reasons, but this is the easiest and closest place for her to meet with her new friend.

The ever so increasing volume of the area starts to bother the blue girl, so she takes out her headphones, blocking out most of the noise. She checks her watch again. Kat’s still not here?

Her initial thought is that Kat blew her off, but they’ve made it very clear that she’d never do something like that, not without explanation. To steer her thoughts away from becoming too overwhelming, Cathy plays with her fidget cube inside her pocket.

It’s never completely gone, but Cathy’s certainly learned how to handle her ASD better. Or at least, so that she can prevent any public outbreaks.

Unlike some people who just haven’t grown up from high school behavior yet. This particular guy thinks it's funny to copy her very subtle stimming. Just your typical jackass.

"Dude stop, she hasn't done anything to you." And that, would be the arrival of her friend. Kat turns to Cathy, tilting their head in the direction of her dorm, and the pair starts walking away. "He didn't make you uncomfortable, did he?"

Cathy shakes her head, and the two walk in silence. The silence isn't all that bad or foreign, but rather a comfort to the two. Of course, until the unsuspected thunder. Seriously, they don't know why they bother listening to the weather reports at this point.

In instinct, Cathy takes off her jacket and wraps it around Kat before pulling the both of them into the dorms.

"Cathy, you can stop running, we're inside now." Cathy doesn't stop. She doesn't want anyone else to see what she's done. No one's seen it. Not even her parents. She keeps her same pace until she's navigated the halls to Kat's dorm.

Only then does she let go.

And she immediately regrets it.

"Cathy...." Without the long sleeves as a cover, Cathy's scars are exposed. Even as she tries to hide it with her hands, they're still visible. She does nothing except curl in on herself, soft noises coming from her mouth. Kat does nothing except open the door, trying their best not to stare so hard.

Thank goodness her roommate is out of town, that would've made for some awkward conversation. Kat and Cathy walk in, the latter with a brisk pace, the former with a moment of hesitation.

"You did that yourself, didn't you?"

-

and that's where i gave up, basically, where i was going with this was that cathy opens up about the self-harm, then kat opens up about her trauma yea, they're friends! cathy is a year older than kat, so she graduates and although they still talk, it's not as often as kat would like. long story short, kat starts to feel lonely and depressed again, and they feel so disconnected from the world that she kills herself by overdose. little does she know that cathy and her friends were just on their way to surprise them, but see kat just in time for it to happen. cathy runs up, and begs kat to stay with her (the others are calling an ambulance) and kat's like "shit no, wait, you're here" then black out.

whether or not kat survives is up to interpretation! or....would've been hehe. idk, i'm kinda rambling now, but yea here's an abandoned oneshot