#coping tips for autistic women

[drdemonprince]

Hey Doctor Price!

Do you have any tips for how to stay sane while autistic with no privacy? I live in a one room college dorm with a freind and there's literally nowhere anywhere on my campus where I can have even 15 minutes alone without being on edge that someone will come in any second. I'm going nuts and struggling to cope :[

I was in a four person dorm room on a 50,000 student campus and suffered from overwhelm virtually all the time, and I had to compensate by learning to really scope out the places where privacy could be found, so I believe I have some relevant tips for you!

Locate the study rooms or study carrels that can be signed out for individual use, typically in the library. Keep a close eye on them and book them as often and as early as you can, as they tend to be booked up during finals quite quickly.

Scope out the computer labs and study areas in department-specific buildings and get a sense of their busy and fallow periods, especially ones that remain unlocked during the weekends. I worked in the Psychology Department computer lab as a work study student, and they were completely empty on the weekends. The Sociology Department's computer labs were also totally empty most nights and weekends too.

For that matter, find on-campus jobs that can get you some privacy, often lab monitoring or administrative jobs in smaller offices. One summer I worked at the front desk of the student newspaper, which was tucked away on the eighth floor of a massive building, and it got basically no business because it was the summer. I also worked as a Psych Department admin and hid myself away in the copy room and supply closet as often as possible. If a job gives you key card access to break rooms or bathrooms you might not otherwise be able to use, so much the better.

Find the bathrooms that are tucked far away from any heavy activity. Check out the basements, top floors, and down around the corners of long hallways, and near meeting halls that have to be reserved for special events. The Chemistry building had a weird, shitty women's restroom that had been converted from a supply closet across a long walkway connecting two buildings, and everybody hated it. That meant it was nearly always empty. In my old office in the Psych building at Loyola, there was a bathroom off the main hall that was busy, but then another that was up a half flight of stairs near a room that was only ever used for guest speakers. NOBODY used that bathroom. I spent hours in there curled up in the dark vaping.

Learn the rhythms of a building or area of campus so you can take advantage of slow periods. If a building only has one dedicated purpose, such as a massive lecture hall, try checking it out when you know there aren't any class sessions happening. If a building is only used for recitations but those are only on tuesdays and thursdays, check it out on a wednesday. I went to a big football school, so on weekends half the campus was absoultely crawling with sports fans, but the gyms were completely dead during that period.

Stairwells. Sit at the tops of stairwells. If a building has multiple sets of stairs, find one that's far off in a corner and then hike your ass all the way to the top floor. The southwest stairwell of Loyola's Information Commons is a place I've written whole essays in, and even attended Zoom meetings from, it's so quiet.

Learn you roomate's schedule. If you're on good terms, ask them to put their schedule up on a whiteboard where you can see it, and share your own. Both of you will want time alone sometimes, and coordinating can really help. If your'e on good terms you can text as well. If your roommate ever requests alone time to study or to fuck, you get to, too.

Find the totally useless neglected spaces by exploring a little. Some dorm buildings have a shared kitchen in the basement or an activity room with air hockey tables that nobody uses. Laundry rooms are good during off times. Because most campuses are in a perpetual state of construction, there's usually old union buildings or emptied-out department buildings that haven't officially closed down yet but have next to nothing going on in them. There's lots of small waiting areas by professor's offices in nearly every building. Try every door. Duck into available classrooms. You will get interrupted sometimes but the more you learn the countors of the place and its patterns the more mastery you will have, and the less stress you will feel about the possibility of being interrupted.

I know that you said there is nowhere for you to find privacy, Anon, but I promise you that is not true! I have been on 50,000 person campuses, 12,000 person campuses, and for a few years I worked on a 2,000 person campus. I was ALWAYS able to find tucked-away bathrooms, empty classrooms, tops of stairwells, and weird neglected study areas to find some peace in. You can too. Please explore and help yourself feel more in control of this stressful situation! Good luck and let me know how it goes.

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Do other autistic women get 10x more emotional during PMS & their period? Any tips for coping?

Hi there,

I found an article from the National Autistic Society that talks about this. Here is an excerpt:

Research suggests that autistic people who menstruate may be more likely to experience: 

* increased sensory sensitivities, including:

      -  sensitivity to the smell and sight of menstrual blood 

      -  the body or skin feeling more sensitive in general 

      -  sensory overload occurring more frequently just before and during menstruation 

* increased emotions and challenges with emotional self-regulation (the ability to calm yourself down) 

* increased executive function difficulties (finding it difficult to focus, for example)

* excessive menstruation symptoms, including unusually painful periods and heavy menstrual bleeding. 

It is important to consult your doctor if your periods are excessively heavy, long and/or are accompanied by PMS (premenstrual syndrome) symptoms, such as mood swings and difficulty sleeping, that are affecting your daily life. 

The article will be below if you want to read more:

I hope this helps. Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

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[sidebaxolotl]

Do you know of any good resources for dealing with gender dysphoria from a side B or Y Christian angle (i.e., not affirming sin or encouraging transition?) It's not huge in my life but sometimes it comes up and I wish I had more advice for dealing with it. A lot of the stuff I find is unhelpful because it's just plainly restating the rules with how Christianity doesn't condone gender ideology with no practical advice, is in that "how to talk to your friend who has this issue" pov, or just kinda goes "lol pray about it idk". I 100% know and stand by that biological sex is biological sex and don't think it's possible to change to the opposite sex, nor do I really want to... so it's not a matter of needing to persuade me, but it doesn't change that I still have feelings of stress and of not really living up to or fitting in with womanhood. When I'm around other women it can be really difficult because I feel so profoundly different when we should be similar. TIA

Sorry this took so long, I took the time to talk to a couple of people who had dysphoria in the past and some who didn't to get some insight.

Both the people I had talked to who had it had cited porn as a major reason why they developed it in the first place so if thats not ur experience then maybe this wont be as helpful for you 😅

They did bring up a good point that assessing where you think your dysphoria comes from from a psychiatric standpoint could help you figure out how to deal with it and i was given this link:

https://oncurrentevents.substack.com/on-gender-transition-and-psychiatric-disorders

Like for example it was pointed out to me that gd presents a lot like body dysmorphia (specifically, like eating disorders and stuff) so u might be able to use whatever coping mechanisms are used for that to help. It also seems to be a prevalent phenomenon in autistic and adhd individuals so perhaps addressing those things if you have them would help.

I was also linked to this book, the friend in question had remarked that it had helped a lot of the women he knew:

https://a.co/d/6DNWdA2

The guy I talked to said therapy had helped him as well as support from God/ his family but finding non affirming therapists that have a nuanced view on things is extremely difficult, esp if you want a Christian one. Him and I were extremely lucky in that way.

The one woman i spoke to said she quit porn and sobered off gd feelings once she realized transitioning wouldnt truly make her a boy.

I did want to be a boy when i was really young but im not super sure that counts? Idk.

For me what helped was realizing a lot of what made me not want to be a girl at that time was just a reaction to stereotypical gender roles and sexism towards women. Once i started challenging those perceptions and the ways my brain was affirming them i became way more comfortable in my body.

I also had a similar realization as sibling that I'd never truly be able to be a boy if i tried to alter my body. I could wear blue and be the night in shining armor and be a hero and still be a woman, yknow?

Also a lot of it was me being very gay and not realizing it lmaooo

I can def relate to not really fitting in with women--particularly in Christian settings I'm typically the only one who isnt hyperfemme and it can be a bit alienating.

Realizing i wasn't straight kinda helped too since the lesbian perception of womanhood is a lot more fluid than its straight counterpart. Not saying to "go gay" if you aren't but maybe looking into butch and gnc communities and framing your self-perception in that way might help?

If there are any other side b dysphoric folks reading this feel free to chime in with your own tips/resources in dealing with this stuff please!!

[workscounselingcenter]

Books to Help You on Your Neurodivergence Journey

Whenever a client is looking for resources for their new diagnosis, I have often been at a loss because there are so many to choose from. However, I have a long list of books I am eager to read and would like to share them to help find a starting place for clients hoping to gain information about neurodivergence outside of therapy. In this blog, I hope to offer you a few starting points for your research into neurodivergence, whether you are a loved one or someone who is neurodivergent or neurodivergent yourself. I have read some of these books, but not all of them. I am eager to read when I can for those I have not read.

Your Brains Not Broken: Strategies for Navigating Your Emotions and Life with ADHD by Tamara Rosier, PhD

This is my most recommended book for any of my clients diagnosed or suspect they have ADHD. Not only is it a fast read, 208 pages or 6-hour audiobook listen, but it also covers many facets of ADHD. It is hard to find ADHD resources that only discuss the inattentive type or help with only one symptom of ADHD. In this book, Dr. Rosier talks about all the benefits and struggles an ADHD brain goes through and offers the reader insight and understanding. ADHD is a diagnosis, but it is also a superpower, and this book recognizes that. I highly recommend this book!

The ADHD Advantage: What You Thought Was Diagnosis May Be Your Greatest Strength by Dale Archer, MD

Whenever a client is looking for resources for their new diagnosis, I have often been at a loss because there are so many to choose from. However, I have a long list of books I am eager to read and would like to share them to help find a starting place for clients hoping to gain information about neurodivergence outside of therapy. In this blog, I hope to offer you a few starting points for your research into neurodivergence, whether you are a loved one or someone who is neurodivergent or neurodivergent yourself. I have read some of these books, but not all of them. I am eager to read when I can for those I have not read.

A Radical Guide for Women with ADHD: Embrace Neurodiversity, Live Boldly, and Break Through Barriers by Sari Solden, MS and Michelle Frank, PsD

This book has been on my to-read list for quite some time. Women who are neurodivergent are often left confused when they are diagnosed with ADHD because it presents differently than how they experienced ADHD in the past. ADHD in women is also under-researched, and it feels like we are always catching up to help treat our clients. This book caught my eye because it is all about women, the emotional ramifications of ADHD for women, and what being untreated for so long is like. This book will provide ways to help tackle negative self-talk and shame so you can embrace your neurodivergence!

Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity by Devon Price, PhD

Self-Care for Autistic People: 100+ Ways to Recharge, De-Stress and Unmask! By Dr. Megan Anna Neff

The final book is all about caring for your neurodivergent mind. It contains coping skills, unmasking, and tips for navigating a neurotypical world with a magical neurodivergent brain. This book takes you through common triggers, coping skills, and tricks to help with masking so you can be present and enjoy yourself as you are. It has everything from educating you on masking to helpful tools in the workplace, making it an excellent read for coping skill practice and ideas for care.

Please get in touch. We will be happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

[darkobssessions]

Coping Tips for Autistic Women

I am compiling a list of resources for aspie women along with tips to manage symptoms and navigate the world. Regretably, most of my personal experience comes from living undiagnosed and unaware about this for the last 27 years. There was a giant elephant in the room with everything, and I have only recently worked it out. This means that most of my habits prior to this point were ones attempting to cope with a giant unknown, the limits of which were unclear. But they more or less worked, because, as I am realising, there’s always been something they are attempting to address.

With other diagnoses and ways I attempted to explain and understand my difficulties, there were finite causes and treatments. I should have been improving if I tried x, y, or z. And I did improve my symptoms in many ways, but there was something missing from the picture. That is that autism is my personality, my state of being, how I process and view the world. And no tool, medication, process or treatment was ever going to change who I really was. Being misdiagnosed (or being missed and failing to receive the autism diagnosis) means that I have been trying to correct something that you cant ‘correct’, and shaming myself for something fundamentally me.

Some of the tips I learned over time, from how I am as a person, without the framework of reference of neurodivergence or autism:

Sensory:

My sensitivity has always been a big waving flag. I felt and saw things others didn’t. I felt more deeply. I sensed the microeffects and changes in everything. I responded harder and faster to any chemical, environmental shift, any positive or negative event, As we all do on the spectrum, we attempt to navigate our sensory environment. And we come up with coping mechanisms, good or bad, before or after we realise we are on the spectrum. For me this was a strong aversion to the things that upset me, that disturbed my senses. It was an orienting of myself in a way to avoid the disturbances, going inwards, withdrawing and even shutting down. I learned that I could not and did not want to handle crowds, loud places, supermarkets. I lived in a giant simulation attempting to minimise and avoid as much as possible the things that hurt. I learned that I was extremely sensitive, no one else seemed to be, and I just had to manage it. Since discovering autism in the last weeks, I am able to embrace the fact that sensory overload is a thing, and I really do feel pain in my body when things are too much and too loud, and just wearing earplugs has mitigated so much of this. I was gas lighting myself before about feeling a certain way because there was no explanation, that I was aware of anyway.

Physical:

I have had so many problems over the years, since I was a young girl. I used to get food poisoning symptoms really easily. I had hidden allergies. I remember a lot of my childhood spent doubled up with stomach pains, or having a fever. My family didn’t know any better and fed me and treated me as they did every other member. I was not the same, I did not feel the same, but I took it all in. By the time I was in my early teen years, I had cemented my aversion to certain foods, taken the only control I had at the time against an encroaching and controlling mother and turned it into anorexia. I avoided things I didn’t like, again, and set up a system of control that made more sense than the gaping wounds and confusion within me. Starvation triggered bulimia. And a viscous cycle of malnourishment and dysregulation unfolded. I didn’t learn until many, many years later that my system was so sensitive and damaged that if I tried to go back to how I used to eat as a child, I would get terrible symptoms. So my coping tips as I have healed from the eating disorders and become more aware is to figure out what the triggers are, what hurts, and to avoid it. This along with adding in nutrient dense foods and working on the deficiencies has done wonders for me. I’ve done tremendous work on my autoimmune conditions, gut problems, sensitivities and inflammation levels and the difference is like night and day. That I can induce psychotic symptoms by deviating or introducing foods I am intolerant to is no joke. The tip I can share is elimination diets truly do work, the keto diet is recommended, and eating the carnivorous way saved my life. My eating disorders for almost 15 years INCLUDING the 7.5 years I was a vegan, mostly high raw and fruitarian depleted my nutrients so badly that every symptom was enhanced 100% and I was eating pretty much ONLY food I was actually intolerant to. Ahem, plants, I’m talking to you. The peace I feel, the nourishment and rest on a nervous system level having eliminated them is unreal.

Social:

I have always known I was different, in a deep, visceral way. How the adults in my life answered questions was inadequate. I saw through people and things. I was far too intense and serious. I learned to watch and observe humans and pick up cues so as to attempt to fit in. I spent the majority of my life masking, something I am only now finding out about and unraveling. I kept notes on the human experience, and saved colours, sounds, feelings, because I felt like I couldn’t communicate the truth of myself otherwise. Over the course of my life there have been inexplicable (until now) events. Lost friendships and relationships, strings of broken promises, people not acting on what they say, confusions and miscommunications, and many dangerous situations and predatory bonds. I made what sense I could of it from whatever lens I could find. It was the trauma, it was my soul contract, it was what I deserved, it was being targeted- all close, but not quite within the realm of being so naive, open and fundamentally different as you are on the spectrum. I just always assumed everybody was like me. I had to learn the very extremely hard way that not everyone felt and thought in the same way, nor had good intentions. I still struggle with the fact that humans don’t tell the truth. It is of no relevance whether they secretly know it. Most people are more comfortable with illusions. I always knew this, but the diagnosis gives me a lot more peace around it. It’s allowing me to accept the fact that if I look around the majority of the people I see are not walking around processing and over-analysing everything, feeling sounds, decoding patterns and obsessed with hacking the code of reality. Less pressure that way, and more in the way of what can be viewed as natural interaction on my part. I will solve the mystery of the universe out loud otherwise, and get the blank looks and the discomfort. I have found my people, a tribe of likeminded individuals, I have gathered friends over the years that didn’t run from my weirdness. But I am mostly content to be on my own, knowing that I can only use what is around me to try to convey how I feel and who I really am. And that will probably be a book, a movie or a work of art, much better than a 2pm rendezvous when I can’t stop talking about the hidden signs.

Emotional:

With the intensity of my emotions I have developed borderline personality disorder as a means to cope with being autistic and not knowing. I have been diagnosed with both that and bipolar because I have intense stints of emotions. They come and go in waves, lasting hours, lasting days and weeks. I consider it to be an energy management system to cope with the demands and stressors of modern day living. Creatives always withdraw and hibernate, and come out with new insights and art to share. The way that I feel and view the world is special. It’s at the basis of my writing, what I choose to engage with and how. My emotions make me who I am. I feel intensely, I share passionately about how I feel. I snap, I break, I shutdown, I come out again and I am a bright, shooting star. There is an excited little animal that lives within me and it is the strongest most passionate thing known to man. I thought that my negative experiences or trauma killed it, but this is before I knew it IS me and cannot die. So I have stopped trying to cram these emotions in or explain them. Stopped trying to attribute them to whatever script people were following when they dealt with me. Throwing me into the depressive, anxious, panic stricken, eating disordered basket case category. The missing piece now makes so much sense. The ways I responded to being autistic were coping mechanisms, such as developing a personality disorder, to deal with the pressure. My psyche splintered under the weight. My tip here is in embracing your inner life and world, embracing that you are different, so that all of the mental and emotional acrobatics needed to attempt to explain the issues or fit in can be put to rest.

Spiritual:

Being different and feeling differently means I naturally saw and expressed things in quite a strange way. I was convinced of a secret world to reality, behind reality, living on behind a paper shell, so to speak, that would rip if only I could reach out and tear it aside. That conviction was rewarded as year after year my awareness grew, my gifts multiplied, and the experiences I had revealed to me the hidden hand of god. There was very much design to the universe, a pattern, weaving through all things. And i was a part of it, not some discarded afterthought or simple byproduct that had no place. In the early years, I kept my convictions to myself, nursed them with experience. I died a thousand deaths in dark nights of the soul, crashing against the turf of my ignorance. I broke open, and everything I had been so sure of as a child was revealed to me again and again. I was convinced I had a purpose, I could feel the deep tides of human emotion and motion, could feel into the genetic sequence that had birthed me. I felt like an alien, but that slowly over time the map of my operation was being revealed to me. This is what it feels like so many years later to stand here and find out about being autistic and realise that how I felt in my soul all these years was real, and that I can begin to truly fulfill this mission now, to share my experience in words I know others will understand because they feel the same way too. It was the challenges that I never understood, while the gifts were the reason to stay alive. My message to myself and others now is that there is a point, a reason to persevere and understand yourself more. The suffering reveals so much of the true state of things, so that we can protect our tender hearts and build new things that honour who we really are, our souls. 

Resources, movies, literature to follow. I just wanted to share something of a summary now of my realisations since coming home to myself.

[keenmarvellover]

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[tallysgreatestfan]

tw discussions of (fandom) bullying, ableism and trauma

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I saw others discuss this before, but it is pretty obvious that one reason for the intense hate against Entrapdak, beside the ableism, gender bias, biphobia and inability to see nuance, is that disabled people are typically already traumatized and thus easier to abuse. Add in that most Entrapdak shippers are not just disabled, but queer disabled people, and even a lot of queer disabled POC, and there are even more layers of trauma.

Glimm/adora is hated because it’s a direct rival, but Entrapdak just takes attention away from the oh so perfect canon OTP and these people can’t stand to not be the center of attention for one second, but also it is just so much safer to abuse someone who is oppressed, because they have a harder time fighting back.

The antis are definitely at this level of malicious, conscious or not, and I saw several instances of deliberately triggering someone, death threats and suicide baiting.

I don’t mean that as “we are weak”, I mean it in that it very unfairly stacked and that oppression is in every aspect of society, even fandom.

Don’t have a full solution for this, this is way too complex a problem, but I can share tips that helped a bit for me:

The first is imagining the traumatized part of yourself as a separate entity, sitting in the room beside you, and comfort them with your adult knowledge and the way you learned to cope with it. This can be fairly emotional and intense, so do it with a friend or family member or therapist beside you who can bring you back in reality if needed.

It does not fully eliminate how they use our trauma against us, but it makes it easier to separate. Because one reason this bullying works so well is because it ticks into already existing traumas - for me it is being abused by very similar middle school bullies for being autistic and my weird interests - and if you become aware of this subconscious connection, you can react (more) with your adult self to it, and the threat is not as large anymore.

The second part is affirming yourself that these people are not really a threat, but just pathetic, whiny trolls. Most of them are about 15 years old, cis, white, abled neurotypicals who first saw the word feminism one year ago and think it means “abuse all men, women can never do anything wrong”. They are not capable of understanding nuance and manage to miss about 90 percent of the plot points in the show, but still think they have authority about how to interpret it and how others should interpret it. More specifically, there is one who created a whole confession blog just to spam it with their own Entrapdak hate confessions. There is one who managed to miss that Hordak has ears. At least two send themselves anon hate (that has a suspiciously similiar writing style to their usual ramblings) so that they can claim they are persecuted. Not to mention all the not quite as funny but equally petty and ignorant takes they regularly come up with.

Of course there are often outliners that are more threatening, but even they belong to the same group as these trolls. Realizing how pathetic they are takes a lot of their power away, because someone pathetic rarely is a threat anymore. They feel like a threat because they know how to play into trauma, but they have no power about life outside of internet and thoughts, their motivations are petty and their understanding lacking.

If you are not as full of surpressed anger as I, you can also try to have empathy for them. What a sad and exhausting life they must lead, when they have to show that they are pure enough to warrant respect every single day, have to focus on what they hate instead of doing what they love, and when every impure misstep can bring their friends to abandon them.

Now, this takes practice, and I am still not fully able to do it, but it does help.

[hz432]

i think its because of the fear of social ostracization... gender ideology does ostracize you from society but being a radfem does in a different way and even more. i will explain how it all works together

as autistic people usually have a harder time making friends in real life, they tend to spend more time online than other people and often find that its much easier for them to find a community online. as gender ideology is not only more mainstream as a whole and thus more tip of the internet iceberg than radfem ideology, but its found a lot in fringe but not exactly obscure corners of the internet e.g. tumblr (though because of the conglomeration of social media it might be on more obscure parts of instagram tiktok etc.) where autistic people are more likely to be because all the neurotypicals are on mainstream social media and they might find it hard to fit in, AND inside those larger corners ive found its also very prevalent in places where autistic people tend to lurk even more especially fandom spaces, theyre already more likely to find it.

now there is the problem of autistic self-doubt. pretty much all autistic people have had issues with breaking social rules growing up to some degree so one way to cope with this is by just following what everyone else is doing, because you cant go wrong doing that, and women and girls will be more likely to choose this because they are socialized to be more submissive and self-hating than boys and men.

so if youre in a space where the prevalent ideology is gender ideology, and everyones saying "terfs are evil, block and stay safe, they want to kill us!!" and you have all this self doubt because when you do your own thing its always wrong, youre not going to want to look further into what theyre saying are you? because youre going to break the rules which you swore to yourself to never do and youre also going to lose the only community you have. pretty much everyone who isnt a radfem seems to hate radfems to some degree, its a radical ideology after all and misogyny is so so prevalent in this world. most autistic women wouldnt want to be ostracized even further by society by engaging in this minority ideology, theyre tired. so i think the problem is just that theyre too afraid to touch it and look into it in the first place. that was definitely the case for me.

Patriarchy affects autistic women and girls in a unique way imo. I'm thinking particularly of masking (when you learn and perform behaviors from others to hide your autistic traits), but also of the autistic tendencies to compartmentalize, to want clear rules (esp socially), to assume honestly and/or good faith from others, to generally struggle to understand the intentions of others.

If we can't intuit social rules, then it makes sense that we would try to learn them by rote from outside sources. And when those outside sources are pushing patriarchal roles on us, when it seems like other women find it easy or natural, when we can't or don't trust ourselves to understand how to be accepted/acceptable...is it any wonder we try to mask? Is it any wonder we're more vulnerable?

I think this same thing is why a disproportionate amount of autistic women ID as trans or nonbinary. It makes perfect sense to me. Gender ideology offers us a different script; it says, "Do you feel ostracized, lonely, like an outsider? Here is a solution. Here is an alternate path." And then we're given an explanation, different rules to follow, something that seems less constricting than the rules of femininity. That's why gender ideology appealed to me, anyway. After years of struggling to perform femininity and growing steadily more dissociated from my body due to misogyny and disability, the idea that I could opt out sounded marvelous! Except, of course, that's not how it works.

This post has been All About Me but I'm an extremely rule-bound person, and I know many other autistics are not. So I'm curious—

Autistic women, do you find that patriarchy and misogyny have affected you in ways specific to being autistic?

[luulapants]

Can I ask, if you have the time or energy, could you point in the direction of some resources for figuring out if autistic on top of my adhd. Cuz like. i’m relating a little harder than i’d like to be to so many things lol. I just saw your post about the flat tone and it was sort of a final click in my brain that i might as well ask. No worries if not! This ask is totally coming out of nowhere

Hey, no worries at all! I’m not actually familiar with any specific resources - can any followers recommend blogs/forums/etc??

Here’s what I can tell you off the tip of my brain at least:

Self-diagnosis without a professional diagnosis is very common among adults and especially adult women. That’s partly because of financial/logistical barriers in accessing mental healthcare. It’s partly because, if you got to adulthood without diagnosis, your symptoms are probably on the subtle side. But another BIG part of it is that the diagnostic criteria for autism are reeeeallly biased toward the behavior of cis boys and especially toward childhood diagnosis. A lot of the criteria have to do with how verbal you are, and if you’ve managed to get this far in life, you’re probably pretty damn good at compensating or performing verbal skills.

That’s not to discourage you from getting a professional diagnosis, but you should know that it’s not always feasible and it’s definitely not necessary. If it’s helpful to you to identify with the symptoms and using coping techniques you find in online autism resources, then it’s helpful! Go for it!

I sort of got diagnosed by accident and late in life. I mentioned to my therapist that my best friend jokes that I’m autistic, and my therapist said, “Oh, you definitely are. I gave you an evaluation like a year ago.”

And I was like, “Sorry, hWHAT?”

And she was like, “Yeah, remember when I was giving you all those questionnaires and stuff?”

And I was like, “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME???”

And she said, “Well, it wasn’t your biggest problem at the time, and I didn’t want to freak you out.”

Which I find absolutely hilarious AND FAIR. But I also know she disregarded a lot of the standard diagnostic criteria because of the bias toward young boys. Some therapists recognize the issues and are willing to do that, some won’t be.

IDK, was this helpful?? I hope this was helpful. If you have other questions, please feel free to ask!

[millie1536]

Autistic Bessie meets Maria and Maggie for the first time! I finally finished it!

TW: Mentions of death (accidental, suicide and murder), Spiders, Mentions of tarantula death (AKA why you don’t handle tarantulas more than a foot off the ground)

Disclaimer: I love tarantulas but I’ve never had any as pets (Hopefully I can get one when I’m older) so everything about Ebony is based on what I’ve read and watched about them.

“Bessie, sweetheart,” Joan sighed as she shifted slightly to relieve some of the pain in her leg, “I need to get up, alright?” Bessie whimpered and snuggled closer to Joan. It had been three days since Joan had been able to do anything resembling housework and the house was beginning to resemble a dump.

“Why don’t you go clean Ebony’s terrarium?” Joan asked, trying to coax the young girl off her lap.

“Cuddles.” Bessie mumbled as she tightened her arms around Joan’s shoulders.

“I know, sweetie, I want to have cuddles, too,” Joan said gently, running a hand through Bessie’s long hair, “But I need to wash up and do some laundry and you told me yesterday that you needed to clean Ebony’s tank.” Bessie hummed in response.

“Then cuddles?” She asked, sitting up.

“Yes, once we’ve cleaned up around here we can watch a movie and cuddle for the rest of the day.” Joan agreed, smiling as she watched Bessie jump off her and run upstairs.

 Just as the last of the dish water drained from the sink Joan heard a knock at the front door. She stood at the sink for a moment trying to remember if she had made plans with anyone before a second set of knocks got her moving.

“Oh thank god,” said a voice as Joan opened the door, “I thought we were going to have to break a window or something.”

“Maggie? What-“

“Your mum called,” Maggie told her, “She said you needed help around the house and I figured it was as good an excuse as any for us to meet our new niece.”

“I told her we should have called first.” Maria added.

“But where’s the fun in that?” Maggie asked, seemingly offended by the suggestion that she forewarn her cousin before dropping by, “So, where is this new kid of yours?”

“She’s upstairs,” Joan said, stepping aside to let her cousin and her best friend past, “I’ll go tell her you’re here. Hopefully she’ll come down once she’s finished with Ebony.”

“Who’s Ebony?” Maria asked, “Has she got a pet or something?”

“Yeah,” Joan nodded, “A tarantula.” Joan couldn’t help but laugh at the way Maria’s widened with fear.

“A tarantula?” Maria repeated, “As in a big fury spider that could kill all of us?”

“No, as in a big fury spider that, if she were to bite us, could hurt us but is definitely not able to kill us.” Despite Joan’s assurance that Bessie’s tarantula would not kill anyone Maria didn’t seemed convinced.

Between the three of them Maggie, Maria and Joan managed to tidy up the main area of the house in less than half an hour.

“Who want’s coffee?” Maria asked as they surveyed their work.

“I’ve only got decaf.” Joan warned as Maria moved towards the pantry.

“You? Decaf?” Maggie stared at Joan in disbelief, “Who are you and what have you done to Joey?” Joan just shrugged.

“I can’t risk a caffeine overdose with Bessie here,” She sighed, “and the easiest way to prevent it is to just take caffeine out of the equation all together.”

“How are you coping?” Maria asked gently, sitting beside Joan on the sofa, the coffee completely forgotten.

“I’m fine,” Joan smiled weakly, “It’s just caffeine.”

“I’m not just talking about caffeine, love,” Maria put an arm around Joan’s shoulders, pulling her into a side hug, “How are you coping with everything? How’s Bessie?” Joan sighed, letting her head fall onto Maria’s shoulder.

“I don’t know,” She admitted, “Bessie seems fine most of the time but it’s hard to tell. I just don’t know what I’m doing.”

“Have you asked your mum? She might have some tips, you were about Bessie’s age when you were adopted, weren’t you?” Maggie asked, trying to remember how old she and Joan were when they first met.

“Yeah,” Joan nodded, “But I didn’t have anywhere near the trauma Bessie has. My dad died in motorcycle accident a few days after I was born and my mum killed herself when I was 3 months old.” Joan shrugged, she seemed to be the least distressed of the trio when it came to her parents’ death.

“Do…” Maria paused, unsure whether or not she had any right to ask her question, “Do you know what happened to Bessie’s parents?”

“You remember John Blount?” Joan asked.

“The guy who went crazy and killed his pregnant wife? Yeah, I remember.” Maria nodded.

“Turns out they had a five year old daughter,” Joan told her friends, “They kept it out of the papers for privacy reasons.” A heavy silence descended on the room.

“And Bessie…” Maggie tried but could seem to get the words out.

“Yes,” Joan said, her bottom lip trembling slightly at the thought of it, “She hasn’t brought it up and I haven’t asked her yet, I’m not sure if I ever will.”

The three women stayed huddled together until the sound of small feet running down the stairs pulled them out of their comfortable silence.

“Bessie,” Joan said, in what was becoming her ‘mum’ voice, “Please don’t run on the stairs.”

“Sorry!” Bessie called out, louder than necessary.

“We’re working on volume control,” Joan said quietly to Maggie and Maria who couldn’t help but smile a little. Then as Bessie rounded the corner, “Bessie, this is my cousin Maggie and our friend Maria.”

“Hello.” Bessie gave a small nod, unsure of what she was meant to do.

“I didn’t know they would be dropping by,” Joan said gently, moving to kneel in front of Bessie, “If I had I would have told you, alright? I promise.” Again Bessie nodded then, leaning closer to Joan, whispered,

“What am I meant to do?” Joan smiled warmly at the young girl.

“There’s no right or wrong. You can stay with us, you can go up to your room or into the backyard, you could take Maggie upstairs to see your collection, or-“

“What about Maria?” Bessie asked, her head tilting to one side.

“Maria isn’t particularly fond of spiders.” Joan told her.

“I bet Ebony could change her mind.” Bessie said confidently.

“I’m sure she could,” Joan agreed, she herself had become rather fond of the spider, “But not today, alright?”

“Alright,” Bessie agreed before nervously looking over to the women on the couch, “Um… Maggie? Would you like to meet my pets?” She quickly looked back at Joan who gave her an encouraging nod.

“I would love to,” Maggie smiled widely, “What sort of pets do you have?”

“Well,” Bessie began as she lead Maggie upstairs, “I have Ebony, she’s a Brazilian Black Tarantula, then there’s…” Joan and Maria exchanged looks as Bessie and Maggie disappeared up the stairs.

“Something tells me the two of them are going to get along just fine.” Maria laughed.

“I mean that was never not an option, really. You know what Maggie’s like.” Joan grinned but there was a hint of something else in her eyes, sadness? Anger? Maria couldn’t place her finger on it but she decided that whatever it was it was between Joan and Maggie.

 “She’s beautiful,” Maggie gasped as she looked at the large spider on the other side of the glass, “But I thought you said she was a Brazilian Black?”

“She is.” Bessie told her.

“But she’s brown.” Maggie said, not taking her eyes off the spider.

“Oh, that’s because she hasn’t moulted yet,” Bessie explained, “Sometimes they are brown until their first moult and then they turn black.”

“They can really change that much?” Maggie asked, looking to Bessie.

“Yeah, it’s really cool.” Bessie said proudly.

“Is she friendly?” Maggie asked, wanting to keep the conversation going. Bessie shrugged.

“It depends on the day. Tarantulas are kind of like cats,” She explained, “Sometimes they want to be near you and sometimes they don’t.”

“So, it’s an eight legged cat that can kill you?” A voice asked, Maria and Joan had been watching from the doorway as Bessie talked about her spider.

“The four legged ones can kill you, too,” Bessie told Maria, “People get scratched and they don’t realise how much bacteria gets under a cats claws and so they don’t clean it properly and sometimes people get really bad infections and some have died.” Maria turned to Joan.

“Remind me never to get a cat.” She said.

“You don’t have to be scared of animals,” Bessie said as she picked up a paintbrush, “Watch this.” Carefully so as not to spook Ebony Bessie removed the lid from her terrarium. Maggie and Maria watched in awe as the girl gently tapped the spider’s abdomen.

“See?” Bessie didn’t take her eyes of the animal, “She’s very docile today, if she had turned around and tried to bite the paintbrush then it means she wants to be left alone but she didn’t so I could pick her up if I wanted to,” Bessie giggled at the look of horror on Maria’s face, “Don’t worry, I’m not going to pick her up here. Whenever I handle her I move the tank to the floor so that if she falls she won’t get hurt. Tarantulas are actually really fragile, if I were to drop her from this height,” She held her hand level with her waist, “She’d die because her abdomen is so big that it would burst on impact with the floor.”

“You know a lot about tarantulas.” Maggie told the girl, again Bessie shrugged.

“They’re not like dogs and cats where you can kind of learn how to look after them as you go. You need to know what to do before you get them because some of them are really sensitive to temperature and humidity and stuff.”

 “She seems like a nice kid.” Maria said after Bessie had gone to bed that night.

“I think she likes the two of you, too,” Joan sounded relieved, “She wouldn’t have told you all that stuff about Ebony if she didn’t like you.”

“Do you know what you’re going to do when you go back to work?” Maggie asked, it was clear that she had a suggestion.

“I’m not sure, I don’t want to start her at school right away.”

“What if we looked after her?” Joan chuckled at the mischievous glint in Maggie’s eyes, “We could move in here and help out with housework, too.”

“I don’t know, Mags.”

“Hey,” Maria said encouragingly, “Remember what we always used to talk about at Uni? We all said we wanted to move in together and no seems like as good a time as any.”

“Better than some, even.” Maggie added. Joan sighed and held her hands up in defeat.

“Alright, I’ll talk to Bessie about it.”

“Yes!” Maggie cheered.

“Just for the record,” Maria said seriously, “I will be legally changing my name to Auntie Ria.”

[hol-eage]

I keep wondering wether I have autisms or not. I'm a girl and I feel like there is not much info about it or it seems incomplete. Any advice?

hey darling! I’ve gotten similar asks a few times

theres a huge amount to go over in working this out, this reply is gonna be long im sorry!!!

I think one of the biggest ways to feel it out and get a grasp on whether you might be autistic is to... use autistic coping strategies

I found myself feeling reaffirmed once i saw how much easier my life was when i was sensory regulating for the first time,

years of therapy and anxiety/mood coping strategies didnt make as much impact as realising that the root of so many of my problems was my oversensitivity to light and sound and touch, and my under-sensitivity to smell

things i do to regulate:

//putting a hat/cap on when its not gloomy, //wearing headphones 90% of the time, //purposely stimming to regulate (sniffing wood scented candles, //looking at crystals/glass that reflects light, //pacing in circles for hours, //rocking, //my weighted blanket...)

//having soft lighting in my room, an eye mask for sleeping and when im in sensory overload, //loud full volume music, //routine (routine! routine! Routine!), //not forcing myself to eat foods that made me uncomfortable or //wear clothes that were itchy or uncomfy

so thats a good place to start!

🌩🦇

things to search for

Go onto the hashtag #actuallyautistic,

I personally have a highlight on my instagram @/hgjosephine called ‘Calm’ thats about autism

stay away from parent led conversation (so fucking misinformed, abusive and depressing), stay away from autism speaks (disgusting charity), stay away from male autism stuff (not bc its bad and there are overlaps but overall i find it incredibly unhelpful and confusing in relation to my autistic experience)

I think the organisation National Autistic Society is safe! So read up information from them

🍂🌩

Good things to search youtube for are:

-Stimming

-masking

-executive dysfunction

-special interests

-Ted talks by girls/women with autism

-Burnout

-“Why functioning labels are harmful”

-Shutdowns

-Meltdowns

-Nonverbal

-emotional regulation

-Sensory overload

-Sensory processing

-girls with autism misdiagnosis

-Autism spectrum (learning what the spectrum is exactly is incredibly important, and isnt readily shared or understood!!!)

⛈🚏

A beautiful little documentary on youtube by the Channel 4 News called ‘Autism documentary: inside the UK’s only school for autistic girls’

In this documentary something the head teacher said struck a chord with me,

“We need to go looking for the lost girls. The girls who might need a diagnosis but haven’t had one because I suspect that they’re often excluded from school, they may be in prisons or young offenders centres, they may be living homeless. They’re vulnerable and misunderstood.”

The second she said “lost girls” I burst into tears, idk man it just feels like that’s what we are, it’s the most accurate description and it’s fucking heart breaking.

🧶🧦

The youtuber ‘Agony Autie’ is also beautiful and a wonderful resource,

Another good youtuber is Amythest Scaber

🌌🗺

An autistic illustrator who sometimes does autism specific illustrations is @/petite_gloom on instagram

🍂🐻

I personally got referred by the mental health team (when they realised my problems didnt stem from mental health and my mental health problems were a side effect of living as an undiagnosed, unsupported autistic girl)

So if you have problems with anxiety or anything like that and can be referred to a mental health team they will be more supportive and understanding

Though if not, talking to your GP is a start, asking to be assessed for autism

(long long waiting list in most places, in the UK at least)

Doctors will be less informed on girls with Autism as the research is still new, so taking a print out from a site like National Autistic Society might be helpful.

You may find that you’ve been mislabelling things that youve been going through, examples i have are:

//Thinking meltdowns were panic attacks,

//Thinking sensory problems making me breakdown and cry (for no apparent reason) was depression,

//Thinking burnout was depression

//Thinking agitation and tics were moodswings and anxiety (they are mood swings and anxiety but using different labels helps you understand the root of it is autism based rather than mental health based)

🌃⛈

If you need any specific tips then im more than happy to give advice! Questions on coping in certain situations, stimming suggestions, specifics on any of the things i listed etc etc

Good luck! I hope you’re safe:( i’m rooting for you!!!!!

[lookingformytruth]

Dealing with TERFS and self hatred

As some of you might have read in my previous post, I struggle with self hatred and internelized transphobia. I am a man, born in a female body. So a transman, if you like. I’ve been out for six years and been going under male pronounces and my chosen name since then. I’ve undergone extensive physical and mental evaluations during the last four years and been diagnosed with severe gender dysphoria twice by different teams consisting of doctors, therapists, and psychiatrists. I am comfortable in my identity as a man, or at least as comfortable as a transgender person can be in their gender.

I’ve been on hormone blockers for two and a half years while I waited for testosterone. But when I finally got that call from the endocrinology doctor, giving me the green light, I felt doubt for the first time. I’ve been certain in my decision for years, longing for the day when I finally got to start T. I though I would be happy, over the moon with joy, but instead I felt dread.

‘What am I doing?’ I though. ‘What if I regret it?’ ‘is there even such a thing as transgender?’ ‘What if I’m just a confused woman?’ ‘Destroying my body and signing up to inject myself with foreign hormones for the rest of my life, how could that be considered normal?’

I didn’t take my first testosterone injection that day in december. I continued with blockers. I started doing research. Watching videos of detransitioners. Reading articles of people blaming doctors for ruining their life by “brainwashing them into becoming a man and destroying their body”. Came across Tumblrs preaching about how there is no such thing as “trans”. That there is only confused women, lured into medically transitioning by the patriachy.  

I could never relate to any of the detransitioners stories. I have never been raped. I am not autistic. I am not a child, pressured into anything by hollywood parents. I have never considered myself as a lesbian. 

But one thing I do have is severe, soulcrushing dysphoria. I could not possibly see myself as a woman, growing old in this body. I hate every single female characteristic I posses. Scars covering my body from attempts to transform myself into an unrecognitionable lump of flesh, free from my womanhood. But yet here I am. On the brink to happiness, which I refuse myself due to self doubt. 

I’ve always suffered from anxiety in decisionmaking. It does’nt matter if it’s about how I cut my hair, which buss I’m taking, or what colour soes I should get. I think that is just how I work. Hesitant by nature. So why would it invalidate my transition? Why would it be smooth sailing when absoloutely nothing else is? 

If you are still reading after all this rambling, thank you, I will wrap things up. Basically what I am trying to ask is for advice how to deal with all of this. How do I cope with terfs messing with my head? Any tips for selfvalidation? Can anyone relate, or am I just going mad? 

[stillworriedaboutrae-blog]

Important!

I’ve been gone for a few weeks because I’ve been working on something very special -

This is a website I have made specifically for autistic girls and women! On this website you can become a member (totally free) and use the forums to discuss; coping strategies, tips for difficult situations, your experiences as an autistic girl and you can earn badges as you become a more active member - I also run a blog on the website where I discuss my experiences as an autistic teenager starting at university in the hope it will be something you might be able to relate to or help me with!

My hope is for it to be a safe space free from negativity and judgment where we can just be ourselves :) please reblog and share, I need this to reach as many autistic girls as possible! X

Please sign up to the website - the more people using it, the more support and a better community. Everything is totally free for you, but it cost me a lot of money to set up - so please don’t let it flop ahaha

[monsterfucker-lisa-swallows]

Hey. So, I've had thoughts that I might be autistic for a while, but I'm not sure how to proceed because I fear people might think I'm just looking for attention. I'm also BPD, so I do wonder if it's me just projecting or something. I'm a girl and have read that it's more "difficult" to diagnose in girls. Do you have any advice I could use? Thank you.

BPD is one of the most common misdiagnoses for autism (I’m just unlucky that I happen to have both, though there is an overlap in symptoms). The only reason it’s more difficult to diagnose autism in girls is because they look for stereotypical male symptoms - women are socialized differently so we tend to present differently, at least in my experience. and it’s especially difficult if you are an adult - i got diagnosed with asd when i was 9 (when it was still called “aspergers” which i’m soooo glad they did away with for obvious reasons), but before that they wanted me to just be classified as add/adhd which as a 9 year old i read up on and was like….uhhh…nope??? doesn’t fit me…at all? but finally got the diagnosis. my bpd diagnosis happened when i was 20, so it took me some time to get there. i got off track…anyway.

the reason it’s more difficult to diagnose as an adult is because adult women have been pretty well socialized by that point. we’ve learned how to blend. maybe we don’t do it well or perfectly, but we’re what’s known as “social chameleons”. we learned through mimicry what was acceptable and what was not. this is also why there’s overlap with bpd because there is the shifting identity aspect as we just try to be who we think the world wants us to be. bpd just makes this urge too strong and can lead to way worse problems with our identity. but with asd this is why a lot of girls on the spectrum enjoy theatre or performance, because it literally helps us learn how to mimic humans effectively. (i use the word “humans” there because i often use the idea of being an alien or a robot in order to cope, sorry.)

this chameleon aspect is great for coping with real life, but it’s not great when getting diagnosed. we get nervous and we shut down our stimming and our bad symptoms because it’s just habit. they don’t get to see us on our bad days, so they label us “high functioning” if anything then tell us we don’t need help. my advice is to expect it to be a process of several sessions before a formal diagnosis will be given - i don’t know how they test it in adults but i expect there are tests just the same. be honest about your symptoms and don’t try to hide stims or any nervous habits you might have. it’s the scariest advice to give to anyone with either of my diagnoses, but try to be authentically yourself. an impossible task, i know, but my diagnosis would’ve taken less time if i’d walked on the tips of my toes and flapped my hands and rambled on about harry potter instead of trying to seem normal and mature. make a list of bad symptoms you have that you’d like to discuss, and any questions you might have. because trust me, you’ll forget in the moment.

and that’s really the best advice i can think of. i wish you luck! and even if you don’t get the diagnosis you’re looking for, you still have a place in our community. we all know the struggle of getting a proper diagnosis is super real.

EDIT:

can i just add, if you struggle with self harm or suicidal ideation and that’s part of why they say you’re bpd and not autistic, that is bullshit. i have a huge network of autistic friends on and offline (i’m even dating one of them) and the common thread is we’re all anxious depressed messes. i just happen to have trauma. but i’d argue that growing up autistic in this society is trauma enough. (that scene i wrote in AIG where red was force fed food? that really happened to me and when you’re autistic and small that kind of thing can mess up your relationship with food even more.) i have a theory that a lot of the self harm in our community starts at the age when we started consciously repressing our harmless stims. self harm becomes, in a way, a harmFUL stim. we feel this self loathing about self soothing so we take it out on ourselves. that was definitely my experience.

so anyway. hope that helped.

[buncompass]

I guess I’m gonna blog about it now. This turned way longer than I thought it was going to, so it’s going under a read more.

A few months ago I was filling my time by researching depression. My depression is chronic, and though it fluctuates in intensity, it’s always there. I was debating getting back into therapy or finding alternative options when I stumbled upon an article about how women with undiagnosed autism are more likely to have chronic or persistent depression. I read through it and all of a sudden something clicked.

As a preschooler I was incredibly intelligent. I could read, write, and speak well. I had an endearing (that became annoying) quirk of mouthing my sentences again after I’d spoken them. Despite being friendly, I didn’t like being touched. I hated hugs and cuddles unless I initiated them. I was very aware of my personal space and didn’t like it when people got too close to me. I liked being by myself, and only had one friend until around third grade. My isolationist tendencies were favorable because they made me the “good one,” and I was never alone in a house with two brothers and my mom’s daycare. My parents divorced when I was 7, right after my favorite cousin had died. My family put me in therapy and patted themselves on the back for being proactive while also assuming that any problems I had would be addressed.

As I grew up, I learned that people like eye contact, so I trained myself to look at the point in between their eyes to give the appearance of it without actually looking into their eyes. At school, I was the queen of over-sharing. I was obsessed with my family’s heritage and talked endlessly about being half Indonesian. Without ever having to study, I aced every class except for math. I hated math because I couldn’t do it automatically. I got irrationally stressed over it, and would panic and forget everything I learned. I counted with my fingers, and if someone made fun of me for it, found ways to be discreet. I excelled in English, and fell in love with characters who didn’t tease and stories that made sense.

I had a vivid imagination and used toys to practice talking to people, and notoriously carried some sort of security item around with me until I was much older. I saw Toy Story and then Chuckie not too long after, which gave me a pervasive feeling that my toys were alive and could communicate and could also get upset with me. I worried endlessly about accidentally hurting my toys’ feelings and never gave them away, amassing an insane amount of stuffies on my bed and in a hammock on my wall. It annoyed my mother, which scared me. She was an alcoholic with a lot of feelings, and I felt every person’s emotions as deeply as my own. It overwhelmed me.

Middle school was a tricky transitional time. Puberty was rough. My stepmom got me an American Girl book called “The Care and Keeping of You” which I treated like my how-to guide for both puberty and socialization. There were sections on how to talk to friends and sections on how to brush your hair; it was a goldmine of tips for me. I referenced it every day. I memorized it as the Way To Do Things, and when my stepmom teased me about it, I found ways to adapt so it wasn’t so obvious.

I had spent my life up until that point wearing clothes that were comfortable. People started mocking me for wearing sports bras and men’s clothing. I hated the feeling of denim, the tightness of women’s clothing, and the overall feeling of exposure regular bras gave me. When I started wearing women’s clothing, I made sure to have at least one day a week where I wore baggy clothes, but made sure that they looked good; baggy jeans or sweatpants with tight t-shirts, tank tops layered under zip-ups, and various other combinations. I learned that my appearance mattered more than my comfort, and I resented it. My parents accused me of being dramatic, but the feeling of a bra strap digging into my shoulder was not one I could ignore; I was aware of my clothes at all times, and I hated it.

My friends started expressing interest in sex and I was always uncomfortable during those conversations; I never had sexual thoughts. While my friends fantasized about their crushes being their ‘first time’, I fantasized about my crush and I going on heists and adventures. I went along with what others wanted from me, and had a few not okay experiences because of it. When everyone started flirting by hugging and tickling, I was always a target. My friends would hug me and laugh when I stimmed and pushed them away, imitating the way I moved and calling me “twitch”. I started cracking my knuckles or wiggling my toes in my shoes instead of flapping my hands. I trained myself to hug, even though I hated it.

People knew that I misunderstood blunt statements. Sarcasm had already been a defense mechanism at that point for me; if I said something stupid people thought I was joking and it helped me learn. Boys at school would ask me out and then laugh at my confusion. If they weren’t mocking me through fake flirting, they made do with the fact that bluntness threw me off. They’d see me in my comfy boy clothes and asked me how much I could bench or challenge me to races. If I agreed to their challenges, they’d laugh the entire time and I wouldn’t understand why until later. At home, it wasn’t much better. My stepmom would buy my birthday present in front of me, tell me it was for my cousin, and then laugh when I would open it and be surprised. She’d tell people how naive and gullible I was. 

High school made things easier for me. I had solid friends at that point, though I was caught between two cliques, which made the popular kids unsure of me. I coasted through the social side by being nice and smart. I learned to hide parts of my personality away depending on which group I was with, and learned to read body language to avoid being seen as weird. I repressed my need to stim, though I cracked my knuckles whenever I got anxious and played with my jewelry often. At that point, people understood that liking to read wasn’t bad, so anytime I got overwhelmed in public I’d pull out a book and people left me alone. My isolationist tendencies came back, but being a teenage girl gave me some leeway in regards to hiding in my room and being emotional over nothing. I found ways to balance things that set off my sensory overload; I only read under lamps and never used overhead lights; I wore comfortable clothing that didn’t set off any tactile issues; I learned what volume setting I could handle on various TVs and computers. I began using self-deprecating humor to beat people to the punch, and was known for my jokes as a result. I was already dealing with depression, so I feigned happiness every day to make sure that no one would ever find out about all the things that I kept hidden and locked away.

I am autistic. As a child my traits were favorable compared to my rambunctious peers, so no one questioned me. When I started going through the more difficult parts of life, my family and therapists attributed my feelings and actions to the divorce, my cousin’s death, and my mother’s addictions. By the time I got to high school I had developed coping mechanisms based off of the treatment I received from my classmates and family that kept me under the radar. I’ve always obsessed over my special interests, I’ve always been on the edge of socially acceptable, I’ve always found ways to deflect and mask.

I lived for 25 years without understanding a piece of who I am. I read that post a few months ago and the world fell into place. I took questionnaires and read studies and got lost in finding myself. I researched how doctors formally diagnose and found out that I have Asperger’s, which is now referred to as Autism Spectrum Disorder. It doesn’t change anything, but it helps me understand. I am autistic, and that’s okay.