#anyone else feeling autistic and fucking upset about how much it makes everything harder? anyone else?

[puppysdog]

i actually dont know how im supposed to do tomorrow if i cant even do tonight :(

[juniperhillpatient]

Supernatural - 3, 9, 13, 22

3. screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr?

what you need to know is that supernatural was genuinely the singular autistic focus of my entire existence to an extreme most people can’t actually understand like. I didn’t just “like it an annoying amount.” It WAS my life for… several of my teen years.

so…. coming up with one specific bad take I remember clearly is not as easy as you might think

also. I’m probably romanticizing it in my head but I feel like the supernatural fandom is mostly chill? the show itself is insane but I don’t remember getting upset by the fandom so much as… the actual downward spiral of the show itself?

I think the worst take I can think of is people who think the later seasons are the best or that you can skip any part of the early seasons lol

9. worst part of canon?

the thing is that this question deserves a 10 hour deep dive video essay to explore it 💀 & I could probably be the one to do it but… I don’t feel like it

So I’ll just say this - the first 5 seasons were connected in a meaningful way & all Going Somewhere.

the ultimate premise of the show? 2 brothers on a road trip to hunt supernatural creatures? It DID have the promise to go on longer even if it was never going to always match the quality of that beautifully written original story.

but making it bigger & bigger & leaning harder & harder into the Christianity of it all was the opposite of the direction to go if the intention was to push for as many seasons as possible.

I would’ve happily watched the brothers hunt random cryptids & obscure myths in random backwoods American towns for 30+ years but they lost the thread. it’s the marvelification & Christianity taking over. everything must be bigger & brighter & Christianity must be at the center of it all.

13. worst blorboficiation?

No because you don’t understand I was JUST thinking about this. Sam, Dean & YES Castiel (I complain about the Angel demon focus in later seasons but if they were gonna continue post season 5 they def could’ve still found ways to include Castiel without letting the god stuff take over entirely. side note I actually like the leviathan plot. I didn’t say I hated ALL things from the later seasons. I did watch it all obsessively after all) were SUCH beautifully written characters.

I’m referencing what I see as the 3 leads but also, Meg, Lucifer, Gabriel, Ruby, Ellen, Jo, Charlie, Crowley, Rowena, Bobby & plenty of others (I just typed some of my beloved off the top of my head) —- Supernatural has AMAZING & compelling characters. The entire thing that drew me in initially was how very real the cast felt.

But unfortunately a combination of fandom & canon made these characters into more ideas than complex beloved characters. They became icons & gods instead of beloved relatable flawed characters I could imagine myself as. I’m not sure if that makes any sense to anyone else but that’s where Supernatural started losing its appeal for me personally.

22. your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores?

I’m seeing a resurgence in early fans lately especially since I’ve been posting about it but literally I fucking LOVE just Sam & Dean on the road dealing with their daddy issues finding random classic myths & legends doing research & dealing with personal conflict as they hunt ghosts 👻

thank you SO Much for playing along 🫶

(Choose violence)

[clearsky]

My Top Comfort Characters/Kins and My Main HCs For Them

(Note, not all my kins/comfort characters are on here, just the ones I have more than 5 hcs for)

CW: Korekiyo Shinguji (DRV3), Himiko Yumeno (DRV3), Shinsou Hitoshi (BNHA), Kyoko Kirigiri (THH), Tsuyu Asui (BNHA), Entrapta (Spop), Ibuki Mioda (SDR2), Celestia Ludenberg (THH), Funtime Foxy (FNAF), Peril (WOF)

Korekiyo Shinguji (DRV3)

Nonbinary

He/They pronouns

Autistic

Chains and loose accessories are for stimming

Likes the feeling of silk and cotton

Can't stand the feeling of anything rough or bumpy

He likes collecting small trinkets and the bones of small mammals

Can't stand anything salty. He'll eat it but he certainly won't enjoy it

Dating Rantaro

Can flirt, but only if he doesn't try

Petnames are a hell yea

Gets sunburnt really easily

Group dates with Celesnaegiri and Ikuzono

Can't cook for s h i t

Had a scene kid phase in middle school

Went to the same middle school as Celeste and Maki

Knew them when Celeste went through her "I'm not like other girls" phase and Maki was a Band Kid™

Himiko Yumeno (DRV3)

Female

She/Her pronouns

Lesbian

Can force herself to fall asleep within seconds regardless of where she is

100% forces herself to fall asleep when she doesn't wanna listen/talk to someone

Himiko/Angie/Tenko relationship. I'm calling them the Traffic Light Trio

She likes taking naps in the forest

She prefers enclosed/tight spaces more than open ones

Has several hundred stress balls and squishies laying around

She overheats easy

Shinsou Hitoshi (BNHA)

Questioning his gender, but goes by any pronouns

Knows he's Asexual, at least

Has no clue what his romantic orientation is though

The kind of person to carry treats in his pocket just in case he runs into a cat

Will stop to pet literally every cat he comes across

Great at reading people

Doesn't talk unless it's 100% needed

Hangs with Tokoyami, Jirou, and Denki most often

Aizawa has 100% unofficially adopted him

Fosters kittens

Not a big fan of physical touch

He is 100% in the bakusquad. Anyone who says he's in the Dekusquad is a c o w a r d

He and Tsuyu vibe

Knows a bunch of random facts

Dark humour? Dark humour

*skates backwards into his therapist's room slowly sipping from an absurdly huge cup of coffee* Candice you're not gonna BELIEVE the shit I just went through

In case I forgot to mention it, he skates

Kyoko Kirigiri (THH)

Mtf

She/Her

Bi with female preference

Burns go up to her shoulders/collarbone/chest

Prefers to just listen as opposed to saying anything

Knows a ton of random trivia about everyone else in her class

She keeps a notebook she fills with all the trivia

Doesn't celebrate her birthday. She just doesn't see the point of it

Doesn't hate sugar/sweets, but if given the choice she would choose literally everything else

Cuts her own hair

A cat person

Permanent dark circles

T-Tall 😳

Like,,, 6'1 at LEAST

Only person taller than her is Yasuhiro (6'3)

Canon no longer exist

Ahahaha healthy life habits? What are those?

Can't handle horror games

She's the kind of person you'd go to if you needed to rant but didn't want any advice

Polyamourous yo

Celeste/Kyoko/Makoto

She's a dom yall are just scared to admit it

Tsuyu Asui (BNHA)

They go by They/Them

Lesbian

They and Ochaco are dating

They like to hang with Shinsou

Which mainly just means the two sitting in one of their dorms in near total silence doing whatever

Can speak English and French as well as Japanese

Learned English from cartoons

Picked up French bc they thought it'd be fun

Prefers to stay neutral in the whole Bakusquad / Dekusquad thing

They're invited to all outings/events by/for both squads

They like puns

They're a dumbass but willingly, and for fun

Like "someone says they like dark humour and they'll turn off the lights before telling a joke" kind dumbass for fun

Great at poker

Likes Disney Movies

Very touchy once you get close enough

Not in a sexual way, just likes physical contact

Especially fond of piggyback rides and cuddles

Extreme fear of needles

Entrapta (She-Ra)

She/Her or It/Its

Doesn't bother trying to figure out whether she's cis, trans, nonbinary, or what

Was AMAB though

Short as fuck (4'7)

Strong as fuck though

Cuddle game strong

Physical touch is a fuck yes

Cuddles

Piggyback rides

Hugs

Anything where she's touching someone is wonderful in her book

As long as she's the one that initiates it

Anyone else touching her without her permission makes her freak

Prefers being high up

Makes it harder for anyone to sneak up on her

An ace at video games

When it comes to sexuality she just says she's Questioning

Ibuki Mioda (SDR2)

Any pronouns + Pup/Pupself + It/Its

No idea what their gender is otherwise

Biromantic Asexual

Just likes sexual jokes

Gets distracted easily

Has severe hearing problems

She's plays her instruments as loud as possible, with the amp right next to her, without ANY ear protection

It's caused some damage

She talks so loud bc she has no idea how loud is considered acceptable

Wears hearings aids most of the time

Several piercings and tattoos

Likes hearing things jingle

She has a bracelet with a few bells hanging from it

She'll shake it whenever she's bored

LOVES hair accessories

Ribbons are a particular favourite

Occasionally she'll hang little charms from her hair "horns"

The kind of person who never takes any pills/medicine bc she keeps forgetting she has to

Frequently uses emojis

Skates everywhere but she isn't very good at it

She keeps crashing into everything

Has broken every bone in her body at least 3 times

Most of which was bc she keeps trying to kick in doors and skating down the stairs

Celestia Ludenberg (THH)

Nonbinary

Any pronouns, mainly goes by She/They

Bi, 70:30

Collects mini hand sanitizers and can tabs

Has single handedly gotten Mario Kart, Mario Party, Monopoly, Uno, and Clue banned a grand total of 17 times (and counting)

The kind of person to purposefully target someone regardless of what game was being played

Favourite victim is Byakuya (bc he gets so upset about it and she finds that hilarious)

Mains Waluigi

Celeste/Kyoko/Makoto

Has several banned Twitter accounts bc whenever she's bored she'll start discourse on purpose

Hangs with Korekiyo, Ibuki, Byakuya, Yasuhiro, and Leon most often

It's a weird friend group but everyone's sorta gotten used to it

She and Byakuya gamble together occasionally

She tries to avoid it bc he'll willingly blow his entire fortune in an attempt to beat her

Autustic

Can't stand the feeling of water

Mainly bc she can't swim for shit

Horror movies? Hates them

Gets flustered super easily

Taka is her twin brother

Kotoko, Kokichi, and Gundham are their half siblings (Same father)

Peko and Toko are their cousins

She sucks ass at go fish

Fuck canon she's 4'11 now

C h u b b y

Freckles

Once she gets comfortable enough with herself she dyes her hair in the peekaboo style

Either black and red or black and blonde

Haven't decided yet

I'll be doing Celesnaegiri hcs as a seperate post but I just feel it's important for you to know that she expresses her affection verbally and is a very touchy person

Went to middle school with Maki and Korekiyo

Has horrible eyesight

She wears contacts most of the time but she always puts off buying more

After the 5th or so time she ended up blindly stumbling around a week after her contacts ran out Kyoko convinced her to buy glasses as well

Religious accessories yo

Like chokers and dangly earrings with crosses and pentagrams and shit

Likes wearing wacky earrings

Can run and do all sorts of tricks in heels

She and Mukuro are exes yo

Keeps her hair short so it's easier to manage

Hair never gets longer than her shoulders if she can help it

She seems like the kind of person who'd keep her bangs grown past her eyes regardless of how frustrating or inconvenient it is

She's a sub yall just don't wanna admit it

Funtime Foxy (FNAF)

I'm going on the record to say this

Funtime Foxy is genderfluid and that is that

Goes by Funtime

Any pronouns, They/Them most commonly

Plays music (keyboard and guitar mainly)

They and Funtime Freddy (Freds) mainly play with the kids

Freds mainly tells stories with Bonbon while Funtime more so plays one-on-one

Has nicknames for everyone

Circus Baby - Ringleader

Ballora - Bells

Funtime Freddy - Partner

Bon Bon - Bun

Peril (WOF)

I like both Nonbinary She/They Peril and Mtf She/Her Peril

They're both such good concepts

She's a lesbian, Harold

She only had a crush on Clay bc he was pretty much everything she was supposed to like in a guy

Gimme a moment while I force all my mental disorders onto this poor child

Autistic, Anxiety (Social anxiety, mainly, but she has most types), Adhd, PTSD

I'd like to reiterate yet again that She's a lesbian

Sunny and Glory were her gay awakening

Peril in Book 1: Damn, Sunny and Glory sure are pretty. Anyone would be lucky to date them. Clay would probably go for them over me. He would be stupid if he didn't. I myself would willingly date them over someone like me. They're just so pretty :(

Peril waking up in a cold sweat in the middle of arc 2: WAIT-

Rarepair alert but Peril/Sora

Peril meeting Sora: "Hmmm She's attractive. I would love to date her. Too bad I'm straight and in love with her brother lmao :P"

Peril, a mere month later, waiting for Ruby to leave Jade Mountain, pacing in her cave, running face first into a wall: WAIT-

I remember reading this one amazing story where Sora taught Peril to read/write and Peril found out she set off the bomb and comforted her/convinced her her run so that's canon now

Btw if anyone can remember what that story was called/what platform it was on and could tell me I'd appreciate it very much

I'd even be willing to draw a character of your's or make you an icon or something

I usually don't accept requests bc I get burnt out easy but this is a special case

She runs into Sora again sometime between the beginning of TOP and the end

I like to imagine she just goes wandering around

Anyway she confesses like a mere few minutes after running into her again bc Peril is just subtle like that

The actual confession takes 15 minutes and the entire time Sora is just sitting here like "👁👄👁 sure"

Bam Peril/Sora

Peril plans to keep it a secret for a little while longer but she spends 3 seconds around Clay and pretty much blurts it out

Clay, who wasn't even aware that Peril was a lesbian, is just "👁👄👁"

I wanna say Clay doesn't know what a lesbian is but in my canon Sunny is a lesbian so Starflight has already told him

Anyway he's super supportive

From that point Peril is sorta open about her sexuality?

Like, she gives Clay permission to tell the rest of the D.O.D bc she isn't about to risk being in front of them when they hear the news

(When Sunny starts actively seeking her out as a hang out buddy and Tsunami, Glory, and Starflight appear to tolerate her presence just a bit more afterwards she pretends she isn't confused by the change)

She's pink, white, and blue bc I said so

If you look at a certain angle in the right lighting her eyes, mouth, fire, and under her scales all look purple

But her fire is normally white and blue bc I said so

Also she pale as fuck bc in my canon their fire just sorta burns their colour away

You know how you leave something outside for too long and it gets sunbleached? Where it gets all washed out?

Like that but more extreme

By the age of 10-12 firescale dragons are just white with pale eyes

That's right not even the eyes are safe

Ram horns :P

I'm also fond of Peril/Sunny

Or maybe Peril/Sora/Sunny

But Peril/Sora is the main thing

On the topic of that bringing in my hc that if one sib in a sib group is fire resistant all of them are

She,,, She can change her scale colour

But only slightly and only if her emotions are strong enough

Bc I don't give a fuck about Darkstalker's scroll we were robbed of hybrid Peril

Unfortunately all of Peril's emotions are strong

Rainwing ruff along her head and neck

It's like a hood

It's mainly smoothed to her sides but when she's startled it flares out

RAINWING PUPILS

Y'all will know what those look like as soon as I get off my ass :P

She,,, She can mimic bird cries

Hates the summer

She has more than enough body heat already and the outside is just hot enough to add on and make her feel sick

She can somewhat control her heat but most of the time it's based on her emotions

It can go from standing-in-the-middle-of-a-burning-building-cant-see-your-nose-smoke-is-so-thick heat (Strong emotion) to Hey-thats-a-nice-cozy-campfire heat (Calm/"weak" emotion/Sleeping)

I'm just gonna make a different post with all my Peril hcs cuz there isnt enough room for all of them here

[anyu-blue]

Busy as a bee

~

*sigh*

I had this big long thing typed up.. it's all gone now. That's twice it's happened. Let's see if third time's the charm.

It was about my trying to figure out how to talk about the shit I've been going through without just dumping it all on someone and having it be totally unjustified too...

I'm mad at my dad. I'm mad at Tevs... I'm mad at myself.

Basically...I'm frustrated that I'm seen as so much lesser than everyone else.

I know it's like 'no you're not!! You only think you are!! They love you!!' ... I've been smacked both literally and figuratively for saying 'you guys treat me different/unfairly compared to x'... But.. gods at this point I. Just. CAN'T keep believing them or telling myself that when the evidence is right in front of me. I feel like I must have done something REALLY BAD and BIG for everyone to pull away so hard... But at the same time... I... Can't figure what it is or how. I've asked too, but the closet I've gotten to an answer is 'You're too much, Meek.'

I know I sorta... Became a worse recluse than I was (kinda I'm response to that. Trying so hard NOT to be too much)... But I kept telling and telling and telling I was available and offering what I could and more... I kept trying to deal- if I need something I would provide in return, just name the price... Did I forget or fail to follow through with something? Or something? No one can think of anything to tell me that didn't have a legitimate reason if ever I did (as good as or better than they have given me) that I shared up front and sometimes in advance with them. I even went into detail about what might happen if I am asked for help on a bad day- I tend to be a bit grumpy if woken up, but will still be there to help and will apologize for any harshness as I am going about it. I do that- but... Nothing.. and every single person has offered and practically forced (in W0lfie's case) all of the stuff I've asked for onto anyone but me. Need help finding/getting a good word in for work! Sure!! *Gives me links to indeed and Job service sites I'm already on/refuses to say my application is in the mix for positions at their workplaces or downright says they don't know if I'm a good worker even though I gave them my sick day and late count and all that fun stuff to pass off or downright doesn't tell me there's a good opening they know about*

Oh such-and-such is happy where they're at? So-and-so Can't hold a job because they keep quitting? *Gives information about good jobs and puts in a good word for them and sticks their neck out to get them hired.. is surprised when the offer is rejected by the family that says they're already okay with their current work or the unreliable friend they got hired quits*... Oh woe is me, I need help and there's no one to turn to!! *Refuses to call me knowing I have the day off, have my phone on, and have said I'm free that day... Asks literally every other person even the ones that demand payment for the job or can only do a part of it.. or just ends up doing it themselves by dropping another important obligation instead of calling me*

:(

The most common excuse for that last one is. 'oh I didn't want to make you more stressed.'

Um... I offered? I was here the whole time? What...?

*sigh*

I suppose I wouldn't be thinking of that stuff or be so upset by it all except for the fact I'm told these things and then I'm shown (and told) this last week people think I'm EXTREMELY lazy...

My dad and everyone else wants me to/thinks I should work more than 3 days a week... Or should get on disability if it's 'that hard.' Obviously they've never tried and seen THAT shit show... I have looked into it. Not only have I gotten treated like something to be disgusted by friends, family, medical professionals, and jobs alike (because it's oh so despicable to be on social security while young and spry- even though I have medically frail on my damn chart I'm apparently 'young and spry'- fuck you) when I've tried to pursue it, also being on it ISN'T a cake walk.. the restrictions. The WORK you have to do (and the work you can't do!! I'm right in the middle and technically can work too much for disability, but not enough for getting by on my own). The shit you have to go through... My own therapist told me some programs I could pursue would put me further behind where I am and I could possibly never get out... And she was the one that pushed me to get foodstamps, so it's not like she thinks they're hooey...

My dad thinks me working 3 days a week and refusing to do more lest I break down all the time is just.. lazy.. unfortunate... Stupid. He wants me to take all these homeowners and car buying and loan classes... Like I'm EVER going to be able to afford a single one of those things.. or think it's a good idea to throw down $25-$150 a pop for a class, let alone spend 8 hours taking one (I'd love to and think they're amazing things, but uh...)... Like somehow it'll 'convince' me to 'work harder'.

DUDE.

What.

The.

FUCK.

Is WRONG with you?!

I get it... I seriously can't work more days a week. If I do, I completely spiral out of control from the pressure as well as the guilt from spiraling and and.. you get the idea. I just do. I know I do. And I found my balance in 3 days on.

It's pretty easy to think 4 days off are, well.. 4 days off. 4 days to play. 4 days of freedom. But... I make things... I've made two blankets already. One more I'm working on.. usually AT work because I'm so busy. Birthday gifts. Christmas gifts. Holiday gifts. Trying to do commissions too to get more money in. Also.. em... I'm usually awake during the day to.. make appointments because my health is just a mess.. helping the friends that HAVE asked for help... Running errands because I can't at night (partly due to Covid changing everything's hours)... Or if I HAPPEN to get to.. I'm sleeping because I'm on a night schedule.. at night if anyone had need of me I'd be right there!! But guess what, THEY are sleeping. If I actually have a night off (which I haven't in nearly a month now because I CAN go over to my friend who needs help's house at 5 in the morning.. after I drop W0lfie off at work or I'd be there sooner.) I'm DOING things. Wednesday itself happens to be dedicated to FIXING my sleep schedule that I screwed doing everything my sisters need or want me to do during the day... It's up to ME to screw MY sleep so THEY can get or have what they need/want... Never mind they refuse (with legitimate reasons) to do the same for me (though I have legitimate reasons I could say no as well, but ooooh I'm the 'bad guy').

*rubs face* I'm so busy my mind and body is screaming at me in pain. Sooo lazy 🙄

But yet I'm shit because I refuse to work more.

Idk what it is, okay? I. Don't. Know. Maybe it's the fact that I'm Autistic and something overloads that hasn't been address like ever and so has only gotten worse (this is my guess), or the PTSD is doing something (my therapist's guess--- which not to derail but WHO ELSE IS IN THERAPY IN MY FAMILY?! you want to guess? That's right, NO ONE... No one is even TRYING to deal with theirs, and I don't just mean the pandemic. Big sister had it as bad, if not worse than I did. Refuses. Dad and step mom knows they do. Little sister scared. Little bro disinterested. 'There's no time' or 'costs too much' despite several having free sessions available to them via their job and Heath insurance- with multiple options- and everyone but little sister making more than they ever have in their lives on top of relying on others to pay any bills they can't keep up on... GRR).. or something else that just makes me become such a wreck. I hate it more than anyone else, you know.. because I have to live with it AND everyone telling me how lazy and lucky and entitled and how 'much' I am.

...

And you want to know what sparked all of this?

Tevs worked a 12+ hour day that ended up having me woken up by the cats that hadn't been fed.

Let me explain... Tevs and I got into it badly after I was continually deprived of sleep because she was working so much and blaming me for 'making' her deal with stuff at home I didn't even know were problems. She continued to explode and explode and treat W0lfie and I TERRIBLY after work as well AND continually told our other friends and family she so desperately needed a vacation and LESS work, and just kept pulling 10, 11, 13 hour days she didn't have to... All while not eating or drinking or having bathroom breaks... and I was DONE with it. I have and had offered to do more, just need to be directed on what needs to be done that I can do while they're asleep (duh) so she had no leg to stand on there... With the rest... She promised to not work more than 10 hour shifts (agreed upon because I have a 10hr shift at work with no breaks too) AND to either let us know in advance if she was going to be late so I could feed the cats, or have someone do SOMETHING to get the cats fed so they weren't deliberately jumping on me to wake me up... You know.. communicate a little more. Do a little better so she wasn't killing herself working. She promised.

Well..

Apparently (new information to me) a promise and Tevs giving her word.. are two different things. Promises don't matter. Giving her word had weight.

What. The. Fuck.

So MY getting upset this last week that not only was she working more than 10 hours... Not only did she not tell anyone about it.. not only did the cats come to wake me up (after I had FINALLY fallen asleep a short while before due to just how BUSY I was that day, and it was Wednesday 😭)... But she also REFUSED to speak to ANYONE and tell her where she was/that she was safe- completely and deliberately ghosting everyone... Until she showed up at my dad's house 12+ hours after the start of her shift in which she didn't eat, didn't drink, and didn't use the bathroom for the entirely duration..

...

I was told to back off. That my upset was unfounded. That I was just like our horrible mother and I was just trying to control her life.

Does that sound right to you?

It does to my dad. I would wager my step mom. All of their friends. And of course Tevs.

Nevermind that W0lfie was just as freaked out and upset... That she actually has a front row seat as to what I go through now/how hard I try to be kind and careful and respectful and relaxed and NOT controlling and finally gets it... And that she's now directly effected by all of it too... And agrees this is MESSED UP as hell...

No.

I'm shit. I need to work more. I need to move out and be on my own. I need to not rely on anyone. I am 'too much'.

Where did it all go wrong?

I now understand exactly why I felt and still do feel unloved. It's because of this stuff... I got smacked and told I was never alone or on my own.. that I had so much support and help... but.. well.. yes I was. My mind and abilities and more belittled or looked over in favor of others to bring up. Everyone is guilty of doing this to me in my family. I won't go into details because it's a lot. Many times.. many bad ones... Often I was told my reality wasn't the truth too. How is that supportive? I appreciate every bit they have ever done for me, but trying to point out where they fell (just like all people do).. I'm suddenly the most ungrateful thing ever.

My own parents rely on each other AND a third party (their son) to pay the bills... My dad's siblings both live with his parents... My step mom's family members live with each other and rely on one another to get bills paid.... Not a single one is forced or really suggested to go room with randos if they can't do it on their own. It was brought up to W0lfie that it's an option for her this last week... But guess fucking what she got that I didn't AS WELL as that.. "We'll always have a place for you here."

I did get that when I was younger and nearly kicked out for refusing to tell my mother I was Trans. I eventually caved, but, HA they didn't believe me. That mess was sorted out.. messily and I got to stay... Lucky me... Not to mention the fact that only NOW I might finally be able to just accept it and not closet myself for the sake of everyone else because I'm THAT done.. yay therapy. I'll accept being non-binary because I can never actually be a man the way anyone around me will ever accept or believe.. but I'm not accepting 'being a woman'. Screw you peeps XP

...

I don't get that kind of support because I'm their eyes.. I'm too much. Should be able to do it on my own. Too lazy. Too awful as Tevs has managed to paint by completely omitting important details.. I can't say things in a few words. I just can't. Because this is exactly what happens... But regardless.. that's all she ever shares. Just enough I'm a monster. I'm sick and tired of it.

Reminds me...

My dad and mom and the rest of our family would never get birthday gifts or holiday cards or anything if I wasn't around. Same with our siblings. I remember. I make. I remind. I push. But... They don't even know about that. About what I try to do for them that gets twisted to look like it's all Tev's doing because I often can't make it to deliver it myself... And when I do idk.. I guess I do it wrong or something because it's so... Blah of a response.. like they think I'm NOT responsible for it and just taking credit... That hurts. A LOT.

...

I'm going to try. One more time. Once more. With Tevs. Give her one more chance to make and keep her word. To not bulldoze and make excuses and talk me up like some sort of unreasonable monster if/when she doesn't... And one more chance for my parents to hear me out. Get the full story. Get my feelings and experiences in return. On Monday I might have a chance to lay it all out. Maybe. I want to try. And if I get the same treatment.. well.. I think they might just be cut out of my life if I finally make it out on my own like they want. (Hopefully something income based will open up for me.. hopefully... I'm considering looking into a different city altogether to well and truly get away from them.. but that would depend on getting a job too.. bluh)

Ah that's a another thing too though.. the thing is.. I CAN work. I CAN pull 7 days a week, 16 hour days without spiraling!!! Making. I am a crafter. If making dresses or cosplays or embroidering or making blankets or trinkets or... If I was able to do THAT.. I could work and work and work no problem... Maybe even drawing..

But with the stress of this job and my other obligations, I can barely touch those things to even get started... Stick in the rut.. and materials are so expensive if I need anything extra I hit a roadblock... Totally locked in... And it breaks my heart...

I'm not lazy... I'm in the wrong job 😞

[jameseros-blog]

My personal struggle with GD

**Trigger Warning -- talk of genitals, sex, transphobia, and misogyny** This is a vent post about my feelings surrounding my gender dysphoria, how I figured out I almost definitely have it, and why my family would probably think I'm faking because of tucutes making trans people look like clowns. It is unorganized, entirely too long, might not make sense, and I'm positive I'm forgetting big details. I just need to get this off my chest though.

All throughout my life I've hated my body, and even though I could try to blame it on other problems, I had some pretty clear signs of gender dysphoria even before my life got fucked up. It all seemed normal to me though. I could rationalize it. I'm too masculine to fit in with girls; autistic females have a tendency to function on the same social level as neurotypical men. That makes sense. I hate my body; I definitely don't look like the girls I would like to date. That makes sense. I feel like cutting off my female chest and sometimes guiltily wish for a horrible disease that requires its removal; I'm a CSA survivor and was bullied in elementary school for my early development. That makes sense.

In middle school something started to happen that I couldn't explain though. I developed a "phantom penis". It actually felt like I had a fully functioning dick. I asked a guy friend what a boner felt like and he described what I felt perfectly. I never told anyone what I felt though. I just made a joke out of it. Whenever I felt a "hard on" I'd whisper to my friends "Suck my dick" or "My dick is hurting". We constantly made dick jokes so nothing seemed off about it. I liked the feeling of it. It upset me that it wasn't real. The feeling came around less often in high school and I wrote it off as nothing.

The inkling of negative sexual habits was already in place in 4th grade, but I fell into truly self destructive sexual habits in high school. I felt unsatisfied with life and everything regarding my existence. Every day was a chore I could barely manage. I wanted something to fill up how empty my life felt. I started using my tits to get free food in 4th grade. I would tell a couple of guys that I'd show them my tits on the last day of school if they would give me what ever food I wanted from them for the rest of the year. This took place up until 7th grade where they stopped believing me because I never held up my end of the promise. It didn't matter too much though because at this point they were already used to giving me food.

As 8th grade ended I noticed how unnaturally masculine I felt, even more so than before, like it didn't really fit my body. It was getting harder to blame it on my autism. That scared me so I went seeking some sort of validation that I was a woman. I found my first boyfriend. I've never really been one for romance, so our relationship quickly turned into something sexual. The entire thing made me uncomfortable. I hated the whole ordeal. I didn't really find him all that attractive, but I pretended to fairly convincingly. Neither of us wanted to be purely sexual, but it was the only thing I knew how to do so I kept being this sexual creature I hardly liked and barely knew. He broke up with me because we never really talked anymore and when we were together I always ended up sucking his dick. It was fine. I never stayed true to our relationship. I was sending nudes to people on the internet. They made me feel like I was a pretty girl, the kind I fantasized about. I could escape my real self and be someone else on the internet. It always felt like I was catfishing them. I never felt as feminine as I portrayed myself online.

My 10th grade year of high school I dated one of my ex boyfriend's best friends. The same thing happened as my last relationship. I'd try to change how unnaturally male I felt by being in the most misogynisticly feminine role I could think of. The first time I had "real" sex it felt good, but something was off about it. And I don't mean in the "the first time always sucks" kind of way. I'm a firm believer in if you are fully comfortable with a person and you both know each other's boundaries and there isn't any judgment between you, then there won't be anything uncomfortable about sex. We had all these things, but I still felt uncomfortable. Then he went down on me. I had another "phantom dick" moment; I could imagine him sucking me off as if I had a penis. That's when the discomfort ended. I couldn't explain that so I told no one and wrote it off as nothing.

I've always heard mentions of trans people in passing throughout my life. In 3rd grade I heard my friend call another boy a "he-she". When I asked him what that was he said it's a guy who dresses and acts like a girl. In middle school I learned there were surgeries to give males female genitals. In 9th grade my science teacher corrected a girl when she said "they have to cut off their balls and turn their dick inside out" in reference to mtf bottom surgery. I saw an article that same year about a man that gave birth and learned that ftm trans people exist. In that same 9th grade science class a girl mentioned the size of my chest when expressing her desire for bigger breasts. I spilled my guts about how much I hated having them. I realized that it wasn't a natural thing when other big chested girls told me it wasn't nearly as bad as I explained. It confused me that they didn't feel the same. At this point I still didn't know what GD was or what it actually meant to be trans.

I started to watch Blaire White. That set me on the path of finding more and more trans YouTubers. I connected to them in ways I didn't really understand. I felt less like an alien while watching their videos. I never connected this to my being trans though. They all had the same story of knowing when they were young. I never questioned my identity when I was young. I always just existed. When I look back at it I think I honestly should have questioned myself. If I weren't autistic I probably would have.

When I was young, about 4 or 5, it was the easiest thing in the world for me to just drop everything about being a girl so I could become James. This was done after hearing my dad say he wished he had a son. I insisted I was James for almost a year. Now that I'm older my nana has told me my dad was worried I might actually be trans and he didn't want me getting bullied when I go to school. He died when I was 5 or 6; this explains something that I'll touch on later.

Even after the James phase ended I prided myself on my masculine tendencies. I was proud to be "basically the son" of the family and "basically the brother" of my sisters. With my step dad we would make jokes about having a "guys night out". I would even try to dress as boyish as possible to get mistaken as a boy. One time I cried when a boy told me "I know you're a girl". When I found out girls could have beards I was extremely jealous and was confused by the fact I couldn't grow one. I've always hated long hair I always wanted it cut short in a boy's haircut. In middle school my friends told me I write like a guy as an insult, but I thought it was a genuine compliment. I've always had an obsession with extreme body modification. The idea that I could escape my body and look however I want was always appealing to me.

When I was young I held the belief that my thoughts and personality were exactly the same as a boy's. That was the reason I preferred to hang with guys. That was why I would feel happy when I was described as one of the guys. It was why I didn't connect with girls the same way as guys. When I was diagnosed with autism, I thought it explained why I felt like an alien among other girls, and why I fit perfectly with guys, and why my thoughts were so male to me. When I learned what GD was, it fit me too, but I thought I couldn't have it cause I didn't recognize it when I was young. Then I started watching the podcast 'You're So Brave' hearing the way they found out they were trans hit closer to home than any other time I heard stories of people discovering they're trans. I was still very iffy on if I had GD or not though. Kovu uploaded a video recently it basically sealed my belief that I have GD. I decided to list off all the ways I wish I could look. The look I created is absurdly masculine; tall, hairy, tatted, and rough. I couldn't be exactly that though. I'm far too short. Besides I'm not as one dimensional as that. I love the elegance of romantic goths and muted pastels are my favorite aesthetic. I love crop tops and even dresses. I'm very effeminate for a man. A lot of people hate on gnc trans guys, but honestly I relate to them hard. I'm still not 100 percent sure of my gender though. The only thing I know for sure is that I need my female chest gone.

Before I even started to question myself, I've heard my step dad's opinion on trans people. "There is no such thing as a third gender! I don't understand why these trans people keep trying to push this idea!" he says in reference to a completely binary trans woman who only wants to be seen as a woman and not a third gender. I defend them by saying the vast majority of trans people are completely binary, don't believe in three genders, and want to be fully recognized as the gender they transition to. He continues to think tucutes are the only kind of trans people there are and generalizes all trans people saying they all have the "76 genders" ideology. He thinks all trans women are instantly recognizable by their adam's apple despite the fact there is a reduction surgery and lots of cis women have prominent adam's apples. I won't even try to bring up non binary people to him. He'd never understand. My mom has backed him up on this multiple times. I can't come out to them. It's too dangerous. My step dad is a violent man that gets into lots of fights. (He's never hit me or my family; don't worry.) He has threatened to kick me out before and I know he and my mom have seriously considered it within the last year. I don't know if me coming out could result in my homelessness.

You may be thinking "You're 18, just move out." To that I say: I absolutely would, if I could. I'm autistic. It's a disability that leaves me unable to drive and makes it difficult to maintain a job. Not to mention no one has prepared me for living alone. I have a friend I could go to, but I don't want to live somewhere and not be able to give back to them in some way.

All I really want is to know for sure whether I have gender dysphoria or not. The only problem with that is all of the gender therapist in my area (deep south Alabama) have practices that sound eerily similar to conversion therapy. Even if I do come out and move in with my friend, I won't be able to get therapy or a diagnosis.

[singingrandoms-blog]

Unfiltered Life for an Autism mum

I had a baby boy in September 2014. A beautiful bouncing 8 pound 6 ounce baby. As you do when you’re pregnant, you start to think about all the amazing things that are going to happen when you have a child. Personally I was looking forward to explaining Snooker to him, reading Harry Potter to him, watching my most loved Disney films, and hoping that he falls in love with them too. Then going through the anxiety of starting primary school, then secondary school, then wondering whether he would want to go to University, what kind of job would he want to do, would he be more creative like me, or more hands-on and scientific like his dad? And eventually, attending his wedding and having grandkids. Ultimately finishing with him looking after me in my old age, and helping me die so I don’t become a burden to him. 

Unfortunately this is what a lot of Mothers think about before the baby is even out of the womb. If you’re lucky, you’ll get half of that.

I have and will not have any of this.

My child is autistic. And before anyone get’s their knickers in a twist, I know that you can be autistic and have all of the above and more. However my boy will not. 

He will probably need to be looked after for the rest of his life, having no independence and not being able to function or give anything back to society.

That might sound harsh but it’s the truth. I wish more autism mums would be more honest about this side of things. It’s ok when they’re little, because people expect them to act out, or do silly things, they’re still kids, but the older they get, the wider the gap gets, and suddenly people start looking at your child differently, like with slight pity in their eyes. 

This happens especially at the play park. My child is very sociable, he wants to be friends with everyone (which isn’t a typical autism trait), but the fact is, no one wants to play with the autistic kid. We were in the park the other day and three children (siblings) were making fun of how he could not talk properly (he has speech delay, and babbles a lot) and kept trying to run away from him. He can’t process those social queues, so he thinks these kids are just playing with him, when really they’re telling him to go away and stop following them. Parents tend to ignore their child’s behaviour and smile at you in a way that’s like ‘well, your child is different’.

This upset me. I always try and educate other children who come across my son, to explain why he does the things he does. I did this with these children, and I got stony silence in return. I don’t want him to have any negative experience trying to make friends, just in case he suddenly stops, and then becomes really insular. 

What I really want to say in this post is how mothers with autistic children paint the picture that life is incredible, and it’s all hearts and rainbows. I’m particularly pointing the finger at Instagram Mothers. Being a parent to an autistic child is awful. Everyday is a constant reminder that my son will never have a normal life, that he won’t fall in love, or join a sports team, or get drunk at a house party, or finger a girl (or boy) at a disco. I want these things for him. More than anything. 

But not only this. Every day is a fight. Because he can’t communicate very well, he gets frustrated and has the most evil meltdowns, which include kicking, throwing, slapping and everything in between. These happen on a daily basis. And it’s exhausting, because you know it’s coming, and sometimes you just don’t want to deal with it. Sometimes you want to grab their face and scream ‘WE HAVE A BATH EVERY FUCKING DAY, WHY ARE WE DOING THIS AGAIN!!!’. 

I always said that I would never use his autism as an excuse for bad behaviour, he knows when he’s being naughty and he knows when he’s being good. Autism only plays a factor because he can’t vent his frustration in words, and when he gets angry or frustrated it’s emotional/sensory overload and the only way he can think to deal with it, is to kick and slap the shit out of his parents, or break his favourite toys. Go figure.

I want autism parents to post pictures of them on the floor of the bathroom in tears, with their child’s shitty pants, socks and trousers around them, trying to get their child to shit in the toilet, as opposed to everywhere else. I want autism parents to post pictures of the side of the bath, where their child kicked it so hard, that it cracked in four places. I want mother’s to post pictures of:

How you can’t make a play date.

How you can’t get a babysitter.

How your family don’t really know how to act around him

How you don’t get any peace because they constantly need you to help them do things.

That they only eat about three different things.

It’s awful and I hate it. If I could change him I would (awful I know). But if a lot of parents are honest with themselves then they would agree. 

He has put me off having any other children, because I don’t want to risk having another disabled child. But I also really want the opportunity to have all those things that other parents get at the start of this post.

I understand that I am lucky to have a child.

I understand that I am lucky that he is mobile, and has no underlying health conditions.

I realise I am massively ungrateful, and don’t deserve to be his mother.

The fact is I haven’t accepted he has autism. And I don’t want to. So this makes it harder for me to be sympathetic when he has a meltdown, because I don’t let his autism be a factor. So he’s just being naughty.

I love him, and I don’t want anything to happen to him.I show him so much love, he knows I love him. I just sometimes wish I wasn’t his mother. I try to help him as much as I can but a lot of the time it’s like hitting my head against a brick wall. There’s only so much you can physically and emotionally take.

Being a parent of an autistic child is hard. Don’t pretend it’s not. If this was reflected more in social media, or even the mainstream media, then a lot of parents wouldn’t feel so fucking useless, and feel like their doing something wrong. Be honest! It doesn’t mean you love them any less, it just proves you’re human.

I also understand that I am not talking for all parents here. I’m talking about myself and how I feel. I’m also not saying that all autistic children are exactly like mine, it’s spectrum people, they’re not all the high functioning ones you see on telly. I understand all this, I just want people to know how hard it can be, and maybe reflect that in your media.

[writingsfromthenight]

I got your letter today. I came home from work and I was in shock. I honestly still am. It’s a Saturday and mail doesn’t get delivered or picked up on Sundays so I have to wait till Monday night to put it in the mail boxes. The letter I wrote you was kinda shit. I think these emails explain things way better. They’re daily and I can go more into depth with what I’m feeling and what’s going on without my crippling ADHD bouncing off the fucking wall. Your hand writing is shit by the way. Are you in second grade? My nephew has better handwriting than you. I think about us too. I honestly don’t know anymore. If we did date, I would want to know for a fact you changed, but there’s no way for me to know that for sure. You promise me in august that you wouldn’t get in trouble and by October you where in shuman. I don’t think you understand how bad that hurt. Vince, I cried for a week straight. You know how hard it is for me to cry. I don’t even get upset. 2018 was a hard year for me. 2018 literally tried to kill me but I’m still here bitch gang gang. I don’t ever want to go through the shit I went through again that year. It was heartbreak after heartbreak. I don’t know if I cried hard harder in may or when you left. Both months where really hard once. Anyways, lets say we do date. How do I know that when you make me a teen mom, something isn’t gonna happen. Like I know we joke and talk seriously about having kids, but lets say we do end up together and we have a kid. I don’t want to put the kid through that. There is no way I’m letting my child grow up fatherless. You did too, you know how much it hurts. That child grows up not knowing a strong mother/father figure. That child has to deal with all the stress their parent is under too. That child grows up wondering how someone else can love them, when the people who are supposed to don’t. Lets say we don’t end up dating. Do I still be friends with you? My mom used to have a friend who, like you, was in and out of jail. She stopped being friends with him because one she didn’t ant him to do something to me and two she didn’t want to be guilty by association. I don’t want to be guilty by association either. I trust that you would never put me in a situation like that because I know you care about me and don’t want to see me hurt, but if you didn’t want to see me hurt you would never have let yourself et in trouble in the first place. I’m gonna say what my dance teacher said though. One of these days something might happen and I won’t be able to stop you. It scares me thinking that I can’t always keep you and my other favorite people safe. I just want to keep all my little ducklings in a row and shield them from everything bad. I can’t do that though. You’re gonna be gone for at least another year. Lets say I don’t wait it out. I would feel bad about it. You said you might be able to have home visits and I want to spend those with you, but I know you would be upset about me moving on. Honestly I don’t think I’m meant to end up with anyone. I know I’m young but you know I have a sixth sense for things. I just know things before they happen and they’re right. I don’t know how I know them, I just do. I know on some level I’m just meant to be alone. I don’t ant to be, but I don’t think there’s anyone out there for me. Ya I have met a few people and thought hey maybe this is it, but I’m also not even 16 yet and things just don’t look that way now. I don’t know. I’m glad you’re on medication though. Part of me thinks it’s more than anxiety. I also can’t believe you might come home middle of you’re sophomore year. I thought you would at least be back before school starts. There’s no telling what will happen by then. To be honest I think by then I will have moved on. I also don’t see it at the same time. I honestly just give up on everything. Life is so good right now, but at the same time shit is so fucked up. There’s a million and one things I wish I would have done differently.I quit my job today. I don’t 100% know how I feel about it. I know it caused me a lot of stress and I would have panic attacks all day. I won’t even there for 30 minutes and got corrected 6 different times by 5 different people. I think that’s a new recored. It said leaving you’re first job let me tell you. I was crying with the hiring manager for 10 minutes before I left. I don’t know why they where so upset, they made it clear they don’t like me. As does everyone else. Waverly told me I’ve been pushing everyone away lately. Can you blame me though? No one cares about me and they make it so obvious. I tell them what’s wrong and they either take the other persons side, make it obvious they don’t care or don’t even try. That’s why I don’t talk to anyone anymore. I wish I could just shut everyone out and start everything over. But then I remember certain things and I start smiling and laugh, sometimes crying because the memory was when times where good and I realize how much I’d miss certain people. I cry a lot more than I’ll admit to. I don’t know what you’re mom thought about my message she never replied to me. I do want to know what she thinks but I also don’t give two fucks. I honestly don’t know how you got me to even apologize. You people convince me to do the dumbest things. Like shave my legs and wear shorts in 25 degree weather. Wasn’t the first time and definitely not gonna be the last. A hoe never gets cold. I’m happy I might get a chance to see you though. Haven’t seen you since November 18th. I’m gonna tell you the same thing here that I did on you’re hand written letter. I don’t care what you say we’re watching friends. I got told today I’m way too obsessed with friends. I guess just have a strong relation to some of the characters and what they go through and long for a strong friendship like theirs. I know it’s a tv show and so of course everything I gonna be perfect, but one can hope. Hope is for suckers though. I wish I could remember that more often. You hope for things you get hurt. I don’t talk to Ali and Trent anymore, I can’t stand anyone in that group. I don’t talk to anyone anymore really. Everyone gets on my fucking nerves. There’s not even a handful of people I care about anymore. Don’t worry eventually I’m gonna get it down to no one ahah. I used to be so nice, what happened to me? You’re whole grade is terrified of me. I did find out today I actually am freakishly strong at least a little bit. Mike took me driving today and long story short we ended up playing footsies and I like broke his hip. I felt so bad, but it was kinda funny. I’ve been told I’m a little beast by hunter. I remember I started going to the gym because I wanted to look skinnier, now I just want to look like I could kick your ass. I honestly need to chill with how mean I am though it’s gotten so bad. But speaking of Mike, he’s scared you might hurt him or like try to kill him. He knows you don’t like him. I know I’ve said it before but I’m gonna say it again. Don’t you fucking dare start anything with him. He means a lot to me and you do to you. So don’t you dare put me in any type of situation between you two. I’m telling you now it won’t end pretty. Anyways, don’t worry I’ll proof read Lilly’s letter. I wish I could send you memes though. My meme game is fire. BUZZ LOOK AN ALIEN! I think I need to still send you that video.it’s my favorite video. I’ve actually. escalated my picking on people into memes, and let me tell you, once I’m making a meme it’s game fucking over. I destroy people. I was told it’s funny when I make fun of people though. I think they think I’m joking though but I’m not. I say things like it’s a joke but 99% of the time I’m being looked serious. I wanted to get those touch bracelets for your birthday. They where $88 dollars though. Not that I had a problem with that just one big dawn would have spread my ass cheeks and two all the what if from before pop into my head. Maybe when you come home. I would send you hoodies on amazon but like I said, my cheeks will be spread like butter. Plus let’s be honest. I’m gonna steal them anyways. Don’t worry though I won’t cut them this time. It think I’m gonna cut all the hoods off my hoodies. Well not all. I need something to put me into my final cancerous egg form. There’s an egg on Instagram by the way that has more like than Kylie jenner’s baby picture. I’ll try to write and send you weekly letters though. I’ll still write these daily ones. I hope you can come home early and I don’t just mean a home visit. I miss you. I hope you mean it when you say you’re being good and I hope you stay that way. Get you’re shit together before I beat you up. I miss us wrestling. You’re like the sibling I never had. The ones that just randomly pick you up and world star you to the fucking ground. I’d be lying though if said I didn’t start it. I’m such an asshole. Anyways, I’m hungry. I’m gonna wash my face, eat and go bully the autistic kid. Be good and stay good stupid. Good night, sleep tight, and don’t let the bed bugs bite. I love and miss you,  Your tadpole

day 115 without my tadpole