#anxiety is keeping me again from sleeping

[freshl6ve]

𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐓. 𝐒 | 𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐍𝐄𝐄𝐃?

𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑─𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐊

₊⊹⁀➴ : Late at night, Y/N lies awake, her mind racing and the familiar ache of insomnia gnawing at her. Weed always helped her sleep, but ever since she cut ties with her old habits, she hasn’t found relief. It’s been months since she last saw Matt, her ex-dealer, and she’d promised herself not to fall back into old routines. But tonight, the restlessness is unbearable. Desperate for peace, she grabs her keys and drives through the dark streets, the memory of Matt’s place pulling her in. Before she knows it, she’s standing at his door, heart pounding, unsure of what she’ll say when he answers.

⭑.ᐟ : SMUT, dealer!matt x reader, unprotected sex (be safe!), oral (y/n receiving), p in v, dom!matt x sub!reader, mention of drugs, pet names (baby, sweetheart), dirty talk, switch(?) and more.

𝐀 𝐅𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐇𝐋𝟔𝐕𝐄 𝐎𝐍𝐄-𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐓 𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐆𝐈𝐍𝐀𝐋

˚⊱🪄⊰˚ : 𝐈 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐞𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠, my mind racing with a hundred thoughts. It was late, the world outside my bedroom window was pitch black and silent. I rolled over, trying to force myself to close my eyes and drift off to sleep, but it was no use. My mind was a whirlpool of worries and anxieties, refusing to let me find peace. Hours seemed to pass, the clock on my bedside table ticking away the minutes. I tossed and turned, my frustration growing with every passing moment. I knew I had to find a way to calm my mind, but nothing seemed to work.

I sat up in bed, rubbing my eyes in frustration. It was as if my mind had its own agenda, refusing to cooperate with my body's need for rest. I glanced at the clock and saw that it was now 3:00 am. I sighed, feeling like I had been battling the demons of insomnia for an eternity. I decided that lying in bed was not going to solve anything. I needed a change of scenery, a distraction.

I felt a pang of guilt in my chest as my mind drifted to the familiar escape it had always sought— weed. I immediately pushed the thought away, reminding myself of the promise I had made to myself. No more falling into old habits, no more dependence on substances to numb the pain. But the more I tried to forget about it, the more the memory of its calming effects lingered in my mind.

I lay back down on the bed, my body tense and restless. I knew I had to find a way to distract myself from the temptation, but my thoughts kept returning to the past. Matt's face flashed in my mind, and my stomach twisted in knots. I had cut ties with him months ago, and the memories of our tumultuous relationship still haunted me. Seeing him again would only stir up old emotions that I was desperate to keep buried.

I took a deep breath, trying to steady my thoughts. But the restless feeling within me didn’t subside. It was as if a part of me was still clinging to the past, refusing to let go.

“Fuck it”

Before I knew it, my car keys were in my hand, the familiar route to Matt’s house etched into my memory.

The drive to Matt's house was a blur. I wasn't thinking clearly, my mind was a mixture of nervousness and adrenaline. I tried to think of what I would say when I saw him, to justify my impulsive decision to show up at his doorstep in the middle of the night. The streets were quiet, the city seemed eerily still. I felt a pang of doubt, but my mind was too clouded with restlessness to turn back now.

I parked my car and turned it off immediately, not wanting to alert Matt of my presence just yet. My heart was pounding in my chest as I walked towards his driveway. I could see the lights were on in his house, a sign that he was still awake. I took a deep breath and walked up to the front door, my hand hovering over the door.

Matt stood in the doorway, his expression calm and almost nonchalant. He looked at me for a moment, his eyes scanning my face and taking in my disheveled appearance. He leaned casually against the doorframe, his arms crossed over his chest.

Matt's eyebrows raised slightly as he looked me up and down. He gave a half-smile, a hint of surprise in his voice.

“Well, fancy seeing you here,” he said, his tone casual and almost amused. “I wasn't expecting company this late.”

I looked up at Matt, my voice slightly sheepish. “I couldn't sleep,” I admitted, the words sounding weak in the quiet night. “And, well, I'm all out.” I paused, my eyes locking with his. “I was hoping you might have something.”

Matt smirked slightly, leaning against the doorframe. “I thought you quit,” he remarked, a hint of amusement in his voice. I gave him a firm glare, my voice firm.

“I'm not here for small talk,” I snapped, my eyes meeting his. “I just need a quick pick-up, pay you, and leave. That's it. Don't get any ideas.”

Matt chuckled, his eyes scanning my face as he spoke. “Well, you showed up at my house in the middle of the night,” he said, a hint of teasing in his voice. “You can't blame me for being surprised. I figured we might at least exchange a few words.”

I took a deep breath, my patience wearing thin.

“Matt, please,” I pleaded, my voice weary. “I'm exhausted, I can't do this right now. I just want to grab what I need and go home. I'm desperate for a good night's sleep.”

Matt chuckled, pushing himself off the door frame and gesturing for me to come in. “Alright, alright,” he said, his tone slightly amused. “Come in, then.”

I entered his house, my body tense and my mind still racing. The familiar surroundings brought back a wave of memories, but I pushed them out of my mind. I was here for one thing and one thing only.

I followed Matt into the living room, my eyes darting around the space. The room was cozy and familiar, but I felt out of place. Matt gestured for me to take a seat on the couch, and I sank down onto the cushions, my body feeling weary.

“I'll be right back,” Matt said, disappearing down the hallway and into his bedroom.

I sat in the silence, my mind still racing with thoughts and memories. The room felt too quiet, too empty. The minutes ticked by slowly, and I found myself feeling restless again. I fidgeted with my hands, my eyes darting around the room. Just when I was starting to wonder how much longer Matt would take, I heard footsteps approaching again.

Matt returned from his bedroom, his footsteps heavy against the hardwood floor. He looked calm and collected as he took a seat on the couch, a few feet away from where I sat.

“So,” he began, his voice casual, “what do you need?”

I met his gaze, my voice steady. “A quarter ounce should be fine,” I replied, not wanting to linger on the details. I just wanted to get what I came for and leave.

Matt looked at me, his expression still nonchalant, and chuckled softly. “Want me to pre roll them for you?” he asked, his tone casually, as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

In my mind, I couldn't help but think about the past. Matt had always been good at rolling joints, his hands skillful and swift. He had this way of making them look perfect, and they seemed to smoke better too. I remembered watching him roll, his fingers moving effortlessly and the end product always being a thing of beauty.

I knew that when Matt offered to pre roll my joints, he knew damn well that I would end up watching him, admiring his skill. It was a part of the ritual, a small pleasure that came with the transaction. His hands were like magic, and it was impossible to look away.

I nodded my head, unable to resist the offer. “Yeah,” I said, my voice slightly huskier than I had intended. “That'd be nice.”

Matt chuckled, not missing the change in my voice. He got up from the couch and walked over to the table where all his supplies were laid out. I watched as he grabbed the papers, the grinder, and the rolling tray, his movements efficient and smooth.

It was as if he was in his own little world, his mind completely focused on the task at hand. I couldn't help but admire his skill and precision as he started to roll the joint, his fingers working the paper and the weed with ease.

As Matt focused on rolling the first joint, his hands working in a practiced, smooth rhythm, I couldn't help but break the silence.

“It's really quiet,” I said, my voice tinged with curiosity. “Where's Nick and Chris?”

Matt answered without looking up from his work, his tongue quickly sealing the joint with a precise lick. “They're out,” he replied, his voice casual. “Went to some party or something. Probably won't be back for a while.”

I nodded, watching as he moved on to the next joint, his dexterous fingers working quickly. The sound of paper and weed being ground and rolled was the only sound in the room, along with our steady breaths.

It was almost soothing, the repetitive motions and the familiar scent of weed. I glanced at Matt, taking in the slight furrow in his brow as he concentrated on the task at hand. He was like a damn maestro, a master of his craft.

I couldn't help but ask, my curiosity getting the better of me. “How come you didn't go?” I inquired, my voice soft and low.

Matt sealed the second joint with another precise lick, his eyes meeting mine for a moment before he looked back down at his work.

“You know I don't do parties,” he said, his tone nonchalant. “Too much noise, too many people. I prefer my own company.”

I chuckled softly, realizing the irony of my question. “Right,” I said, my voice tinged with a hint of amusement. “I forgot you prefer solitude.”

I took a moment to reposition myself, shifting on the couch until I was comfortable. I placed my arms on the headrest, my head resting on them as I watched Matt across the room. The L shape of the couch allowed me a clear view of him as he continued rolling the joints.

I couldn’t help but speak my thought aloud, letting the words slip out before I could censor myself. “You know, it’s one of the things I always admired about you,” I said, my voice soft and honest.

There was no use denying it now. It was true. Matt’s preference for solitude and his ability to find contentment in his own company was something I had always found admirable. In a world where everyone seemed to be constantly seeking company, Matt’s self-sufficiency was a breath of fresh air.

As he sealed the third joint, his hands moving deftly, I continued to watch him, my head still resting on my arms. I couldn’t help but feel a pang of nostalgia as I remembered all the times we had spent like this, him rolling joints and me observing, both of us comfortably silent.

The words slipped out before I could stop them, my voice filled with a mixture of emotions. “Why didn't you call, Matt?” I blurted out, my tone laced with longing and regret.

Matt freezes, his hands pausing mid-roll. He sets the half-rolled joint down on the table, his movements deliberate and slow. He leans back against the edge of the table, his fingertips gripping the edge of the surface. His back is tense, his shoulders hunching ever so slightly.

The room falls silent, the weight of my question hanging in the air. I can feel the tension between us, thick and palpable. I know I’ve crossed a line, bringing up the past and stirring up memories that we both had left behind. But something in me had compelled me to ask, a desperate need to know why he hadn’t reached out to me.

Matt's voice is quiet, his grip on the edge of the table tightening. “I just thought you needed space,” he says gently, his eyes meeting mine across the room. “I didn't want to push you or make things worse.”

The simple admission hangs in the air, the truth of his words making my heart ache. I had wanted space, yes, but in my silence I hadn’t realized how much I had missed his presence, his calm voice and steady demeanor.

Matt lets out a small sigh, his grip on the table loosening slightly. “Trust me,” he replies, his voice tinged with regret. “I tried to reach out, to make things right. But I couldn't forgive myself for what happened, and I didn't want to put you in a position where you were forced to forgive me.”

Matt takes a deep breath, his eyes downcast as he continues. “I was in a bad place,” he says, his voice quieter now. “And what I did to you… using you like a toy, when you were something special to me. I couldn’t see it then, couldn’t appreciate what I had. The addiction had its claws too deep into me.”

I nodded, a silent acknowledgement of his words. Matt's voice is soft and sincere as he continues.

“Our argument that night made me realize what I had lost,” he admits, his eyes still avoiding mine. “Since then, I've given up on the hard drugs and stuck with weed instead. It was tough, a rough road, but it's been worth it.”

Matt pushes himself off the table, his movements fluid and deliberate. He walks towards me, his steps silent as he approaches. I continue to look up at him as he places his hands down on either side of me.

“You don't need weed to help you,” he says, his voice a low murmur in the closeness. “You're just inside your head a lot, and you don't know how to shut it off.”

I couldn't argue against his words, because Matt had hit the nail on the head. I had always been prone to overthinking, my mind a never-ending whirlwind that refused to quiet down. It was as if he could see straight into the depths of my being, knowing me better than I knew myself.

I hated how accurately he had summed up my struggle, how easily he had picked apart my thoughts and laid them bare. It was both irritating and endearing, how well he understood me despite our months apart.

Matt's eyes hold a mixture of pain, regret, and longing as he gazes down at me. His voice is earnest and pleading as he speaks, his words ringing with sincerity.

“I’m sorry for everything,” he says, his voice slightly shaky. “I’m sorry it took me 5 months to apologize. I don’t want you to forgive me, I don’t deserve to be forgiven. I’m a bad person.”

Without thinking, I reach up to bring him into a kiss, my hand threading through his soft locks - a familiar sensation that I had missed dearly.

We slowly pull away, our lips reluctantly parting, yet our faces remaining close. I look up at him, my voice soft and earnest, as I speak.

“You're not a bad person,” I say, my hand still cradling the back of his head. “You just had a rough time.”

Matt's gaze locks with mine, his eyes swimming with emotion. When he speaks, his voice is raw and filled with vulnerability.

“I missed you,” he whispers, his thumb gently brushing against my jawline.

I can feel my heart swell at his words, a mixture of emotions swirling through me. I had missed him too, more than I cared to admit. The months apart had been a painful reminder of just how deeply he had become rooted in my life, and just how much his absence had left a hole in me.

I looked up at him, my eyes meeting his, their depths filled with a mixture of pain, love, and forgiveness. “I missed you too,” I whispered back, my voice barely above a breath.

Matt's hands grip my hips as he effortlessly lifts me up from the couch, my legs instinctively wrapping around his waist. Without breaking our kiss, he carries me across the room and down the hallway towards his room. The hunger and desire in our kiss grow with each step, and by the time we reach his bedroom, we're pawing at each other like we can't get close enough.

He gently sets me down on the bed, his body following closely as he hovers over me. The kiss deepens, our tongues hungrily seeking each other, and his hands begin to wander, running up and down my sides and slipping under my shirt.

His touch ignites a trail of fire against my skin, and I arch my back, pressing my body closer to his. In that moment, nothing else mattered but the feel of his hands on my body and the heat of his skin against mine. The past months of separation faded into the background, replaced by the pure sensation of being with him again. I wanted him, needed him, and was willing to surrender to the storm of emotions and physicality between us.

There was no denying it— I was powerless against him. Despite the hurtful things that had happened between us, I couldn't resist his touch, couldn't deny the pull I felt towards him. I wanted him close, wanted to feel the weight of his body against mine, to have his hands on me, to lose myself in the sensations he stirred within me. I would let him do anything, give him anything he wanted if it meant having him near.

Matt breaks away from the kiss and begins to trail his lips down my neck, his kisses hot and urgent. He nips at my skin, his teeth grazing against my pulse point, his tongue soothing the pain afterwards. I shiver at the sensations, my hands gripping his shoulders, my breath coming in short gasps.

He kisses further down my neck, his hands gripping my hips, and I arch my back, offering myself to him. His mouth finds a sensitive spot, and he sucks on it gently, his teeth biting down just enough to send a jolt of pleasure through me.

“Matt...” I moan, my fingers digging into his shoulders.

His hands trail down to my thighs, slowly sliding down my sweats. I part my legs for him, inviting him to touch me. He chuckles softly against my neck, knowing that he has me wrapped around his finger.

His touch is gentle at first, his fingers slowly caressing my inner thighs. He takes his time, enjoying the way my breath hitches with anticipation. “Please...” I whisper, my voice barely audible. He smirks, knowing that I'm begging for him.

He slides my underwear to the side, his fingers tracing the length of my folds. I'm already wet for him, my body aching for release. He slips a finger inside me, Pumping it in and out slowly, his palm grazing against my most sensitive spot.

“You're so wet,” he whispers, his breath hot against my ear. He adds another finger, filling me up even more. I moan loudly, my hips bucking against his hand. He knows just how to touch me to drive me wild. “Nobody is here, be as loud as you want to be, Sweetheart”

His fingers curl inside me, finding that spot that makes my eyes roll back in my head. His mouth latches onto my neck, sucking and biting as his fingers pump in and out of me. I'm so close, my breathing growing ragged, my hands gripping his shoulders tightly.

I reach down and grab onto his wrist, my nails digging into his skin as my orgasm crashes over me. “Matt...oh god, Matt...” I moan, my body convulsing in his arms. He continues to finger me through my orgasm, drawing it out as long as possible.

He pulls his hand out of my pants, leaving me feeling empty. But then he reaches for the hem of my sweats and underwear, pulling them both down my legs in one swift motion. I lift my hips to help him, my body still tingling from the aftermath of my orgasm.

He buries his face between my legs, his nose pressing against my heat as he spreads my lips apart with his thumbs. I gasp as his tongue dives into my pussy, licking up every drop of my juices. He pushes my legs back over his shoulders, giving him full access to feast on me.

I reach down and tangle my fingers in his hair, holding on for dear life as his mouth works its magic on me. His tongue delves deep inside, curling up to hit that magical spot. I grind against his face, shamelessly riding his mouth as the pleasure builds again. “Matt...”

“Oh god, Matt...” I moan, my body writhing beneath him as his tongue works tirelessly on me. He brings me right to the edge, only to back off and start all over again. I'm a moaning, begging mess, completely at his mercy. “Please...”

“Please what, baby?” he murmurs against my flesh, his breath hot on my soaked skin. “Please...please don't stop...I'm so close...” I beg, my hands fisting in his hair. He hums against me, the vibrations sending me spiraling out of control. “Matt!”

With a final swipe of his tongue, he sends me hurtling over the edge. I shout his name, my back arching off the bed as waves of pleasure crash over me. He keeps going, drawing out my release until I'm a quivering, boneless mess beneath him.

He finally lifts his head, his face glistening with my juices. I watch through hazy eyes as he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. “You taste so fucking good,” he growls, crawling up my body. I can feel his hard cock pressing against my thigh.

He catches my lips in a searing kiss, allowing me to taste myself on his mouth. As we kiss, I reach down and unbuckle his belt, then slip my hand into his pants to wrap my fingers around his thick, hard length. He groans into my mouth, his hips jerking forward.

I start stroking him, my small hand moving up and down his shaft. He breaks the kiss to throw his head back, his eyes rolling shut as he fucks my hand. “Fuck, yeah...just like that,” he grits out, his fingers digging into my hip.

His movements become more urgent, his hips snapping forward as he thrusts into my hand. I tighten my grip, loving the way his face contorts with pleasure. He suddenly pauses, his breath hitching. “Not like this,” he rasps. “I need to be inside you.”

He grabs my wrist and pulls my hand out of his pants, then shoves his own pants and underwear down his hips. His erection springs free, curving up against his abdomen.

He reaches for the hem of my shirt and pulls it up and over my head, tossing it aside. He quickly dispenses with his own shirt, revealing his toned chest. He leans down to kiss me again, his hands roaming over my bare skin. “No bra? You’re insane.”

He chuckles against my mouth, his hands reaching up to cup my bare breasts. “You're killing me, you know that?” He breaks the kiss to trail his lips down my neck and chest, pausing to lavish attention on each peak. I arch against him, my fingers tangling in his hair.

“Matt...” I whimper as he sucks one hard peak into his mouth, his hand squeezing and massaging my other breast. He lavishes attention on each breast in turn, bringing them to hardened peaks before moving back down my body.

He kisses and caresses every inch of my skin, making me squirm with need. When he settles between my thighs, I wrap my legs around his waist, my heels digging into his backside. He lines himself up with my opening and slowly pushes inside. We both moan at the sensation.

He takes his time, gently rocking his hips as he gradually buries himself to the hilt. Once fully sheathed, he pauses and leans down to kiss me. “You okay, baby?” he murmurs. I nod, my nails scoring his back. “More than okay. Please move...please...”

He starts to move, his hips rocking slowly at first and then picking up speed. He thrusts deep and hard, hitting all the right spots inside me. I meet him thrust for thrust, our bodies moving in perfect sync. The bed creaks and shakes with the force of our lovemaking.

As he continues to thrust into me, a sharp pinch of pain mixes with the pleasure. It's been months since we last did this, and my body has clearly forgotten just how big he is. I gasp, my nails digging into his back. “Fuck...it hurts,”

He pauses mid-thrust, his eyes filled with concern. “Want me to slow down?” he asks. “Or maybe stop?” I shake my head, wrapping my legs tighter around his waist. “No...just...give me a sec...you're just so big...”

I take a deep breath, trying to relax my body and adjust to his size. “It's been a while since I hooked up with anyone,” I admit, my cheeks flushing. “And you were my last...so my body forgot how big you were.”

He smirked, brushing a strand of hair out of my face. “Good,” he murmurs. “Then maybe I should remind you.” He begins to move again, his hips slowly pumping as he gradually eases in and out of me. The pain fades, replaced by warmth and pleasure.

I arch against him, my nails scoring his back as the sensations build inside me. “More...” I whimper, wrapping my legs tighter around his waist. He responds by quickening his pace, his thrusts becoming deeper and more intense. The sound of our bodies slapping together fills the room.

His breathing grows ragged, his face buried in the crook of my neck as he pistons his hips back and forth. “You...feel...so...good...” he pants between thrusts. I can feel the pressure inside me building, coiling tight like a spring ready to snap. “Fuck, Matt...”

I grip his head, my fingers tangled in his hair as he pounds into me harder and faster. My vision starts to blur, the room spinning as he hits that spot inside me just right. “Ah! Matt! Matt, please!” I cry out, my voice hoarse from screaming his name.

He buries his face in my neck, his hot breath sending shivers down my spine as he speaks in a guttural tone. “Fuck, you're so tight...so fucking tight around my cock. I'm gonna fuck you until you can't walk...until you can't think...”

“...Your pussy is the only one I care about, the only one I craved for. I missed your sweet little cries, your desperate pleas for mercy...I missed fucking you senseless until you passed out from exhaustion...I missed being the only one who gets to hear you scream my name...”

“You're mine, and only mine. No one else gets to touch you, to hear your beautiful voice beg for more...no one else gets to see your face twist in pleasure...That's my right, my privilege...and I've missed it so much...” With each word, he thrusts into me harder, his voice growing darker, more possessive.

I'm a moaning, writhing mess beneath him, my body completely his to command. My back arches off the bed as he grinds against me, his hips rolling in a circle as he hits that sweet spot deep inside. “Oh god, Matt! Yes! More! Please, more!”

He responds to my begging by capturing my mouth in a searing kiss, swallowing my cries as he increases his pace. His body slams into mine, each thrust punctuated by a sharp slap of skin against skin. He tears his mouth away from mine, his jaw clenched. “Louder...”

“I want to hear you scream my name for the whole neighborhood. I want them to know who's making you beg for mercy...who's making you fall apart...only me” His hands wrap around my thighs, tilting my hips to take him even deeper. “Matt! Matt, it's too much!”

His answer is to grab my ankles and pull my legs up to my chest, completely changing the angle of his thrusts. The new position has him hitting my g-spot with every stroke, sending me hurtling towards another orgasm. “NO! STOP! I CAN'T...OH FUCK, MATT!”

He grins mischievously, his eyes locked onto mine as he continues to pound into me mercilessly. “You can take it, sweetheart...You can take all of me...Look at me,”

I force my eyes open, meeting his intense gaze as he drives into me. “See how hard you make me? See how much I love fucking you?” His thumb presses against my clit, sending electric shocks through my body.

The combination of his thrusts and his thumb is too much, and I come apart with a scream, my vision blurring as my body shakes with the force of my orgasm. Matt keeps thrusting through my contractions, his own release approaching. “Fuck, fuck, FUCK!”

I reach out and grab his wrist, my nails digging into his skin as another wave of pleasure washes over me. “Matt...I...I can't...” I pant, my body overwhelmed by the intense stimulation. He leans down, his lips brushing against mine as he speaks.

“You can...”

“...And you will...Now, hold on tight...” With that, he begins to move faster, his hips slamming against mine as he chases his own release. The sound of our bodies colliding fills the room, along with our labored breaths and desperate moans.

“Fuck...I need you to ride me...” He gruffly pulls out of me, flipping us over so that I'm straddling him. His hands grasp my hips, lifting me up and guiding me back down onto his cock. “Ride me, baby...”

He leans back against the headboard, his hands gripping my thighs as he watches me intently. I slowly rise and fall on his lap, my hands resting on his chest for balance. His eyes flutter closed as I pick up the pace, his head tilting back against the headboard. “Just like that...”

His hands squeeze my thighs, his fingers flexing against my skin as he tries to guide my movements. “Oh god, Y/N...You're gonna make me lose it...” He lets his head fall forward, his gaze locked onto where our bodies join. “Look at you...taking me so deep...”

I whimper, my nails digging into his chest as I continue to ride him. The sight of my body sliding up and down his cock is incredibly erotic, and I can feel my own arousal growing again. “Touch yourself,” he commands, his voice tight with impending release.

I reach down between my legs, my fingers finding my clit. I start rubbing it in tight circles, the sensation combining with the feeling of his cock inside me pushing me closer and closer to another orgasm. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” I chant, my hips bucking wildly against his.

Matt brings his hand down on top of mine, pressing my fingers harder against my flesh. “Come on, sweetheart...show me what you can do...just like that...” His voice is low and commanding, pushing me closer to the edge. “Matt...it's too much...”

Matt increases the pressure, his hand moving my fingers in even faster circles. I arch my back, screaming in ecstasy as the pleasure becomes almost too much to bear. I hold onto his thighs, my nails digging into his skin as I lose control. “MATT! FUCK!”

He slides his hands up my body, resting them on my waist as he leans in, his mouth hovering over my breast. His breath fans over my skin, making me shiver. He sucks a nipple into his mouth, his tongue swirling around the hardened peak as he slams into me from below.

I bring my hands up to rest on top of the headboard, gripping it tightly as Matt pounds into me. My head falls back, my hair cascading down my back as he continues to devour my breasts.

Matt looks up at me, his eyes locked on mine as he continues to fuck me. He pulls back slightly, his mouth leaving my breast with a soft pop. “Look at me,” he commands, his voice husky with desire. I meet his gaze, my eyes glassy with pleasure.

He brings me into a passionate kiss, his tongue tangling with mine as he continues to move inside me. I bring my hand up to his hair, my fingers threading through the brown strands as I lose myself in the moment. “Y/N...” he whispers against my lips, his voice tight with impending release.

As he whispers my name, I melt at the sound, my heart skipping a beat. I loved how he says it, how his voice cracks slightly with emotion, how his lips form the words perfectly. It's like music to my ears, and I craved hearing it more and more with each passing day.

The way he says my name...it's different coming from him. It's passionate, full of need and desire. It's like he's branding me as his, claiming me in the most intimate way possible. And I love it. I love how it makes me feel special, cherished, desired.

Our kiss becomes more heated, our mouths devouring each other as if we can't get enough. His hands grip my hips tightly, his fingers digging into my flesh as he continues to thrust into me. I moan into his mouth, my cries muffled by his kiss.

Matt's movements become more urgent, his hips jerking up to meet mine with each thrust. He pulls away from the kiss, his head thrown back as he moans loudly. “Fuck, I'm close...” His words come out broken, his voice tight with desire.

His hands tighten on my hips, his fingers digging painfully into my flesh as he thrusts into me one last time. He lets out a low growl, his whole body tensing as he finds his release. “Fuck! Y/N!” he moans my name, his voice filled with passion and devotion.

He releases into me, his warmth filling me completely. But with how full I am, some of it spills out. He lets out a shaky breath, his body still trembling with aftershocks. He lays his head back against the headboard, his eyes fluttering closed. “Oh god…”

I giggle softly, seeing Matt so spent and relaxed. His brunette hair is damp with sweat, making it look even darker. The damp strands stick to his forehead, accentuating his chiseled features. He looks so handsome like this, all relaxed and boneless from our passionate encounter.

I shift slightly, intending to move off him, but Matt's hands fly to my hips, stopping me. “No, no baby don’t move,” His voice is low and lazy, his eyes still closed.

I chuckle and lower myself, kissing his jawline before moving to his neck. I mark him with my kisses, my love bites, claiming him as mine. He moans softly, his hands tightening on my hips as he enjoys the attention. “Y/N...” he whispers, his eyes still closed.

His hands roam over my back, his touch gentle and soothing. He runs his fingers through my hair, tugging lightly. I continue to mark his neck and jaw, loving the way he moans my name. “Baby, please...I can't take much more...”

His breathing hitches as I continue to kiss and bite his neck. His grip on my hips tightens, his fingers digging into my flesh. “Y/N, please...baby, you've gotta stop...I can't...I'm going to cum again..” His voice is hoarse, his breathing uneven.

His hips jerk up against me, his hard length pulsing between my thighs. I look at him, his face flushed, his eyes closed, his lashes casting shadows on his cheeks. He looks so vulnerable, so open...and I love it.

Matt's body jerks as he cums again, his hips thrusting up against me with a desperate urgency. There's no space left inside me, so his release spills out onto the bed, a thick stream of cum coating the sheets. I giggle, feeling incredibly full, my pussy stretched to the limit.

I cup his face in my hands, peppering his lips with soft kisses. He grins, his eyes still shut, his face relaxed and content. “Mmm...I love you, sweetheart” he murmurs, his voice lazy and sleepy.

I continue to kiss him, my hands caressing his cheeks. “I love you too” I whisper against his lips. He hums contentedly, his arms wrapping around me, pulling me closer.

I continue planting gentle kisses on his lips, his nose, his cheeks, anywhere I can reach without breaking our embrace. He sighs happily, his eyes still closed, letting me shower him with affection.

Matt finally opens his eyes, looking at me with a soft, loving expression. “Come on, let's clean up.” He carefully picks me up, his hands gently supporting my waist. As he lifts me off him, our combined juices spill out, coating his abdomen and the bed sheets.

He carries me to the bathroom, setting me down on the counter. He grabs a cloth and wipes himself clean, making sure to remove every trace of our intimacy. Once he's done, he turns his attention to me, gently wiping between my legs with a warm cloth.

He turns on the shower, testing the water temperature before helping me in. “I'll join you right now,” he says, his voice gentle. “Let me just put the sheets in the washer and put new ones on the bed.” He gives me a quick kiss before leaving the bathroom.

I step under the spray, sighing happily as the warm water cascades down my body. I lean against the wall, watching as Matt hurries back into the bathroom a few minutes later. He steps into the shower with me, pulling me into his arms. “Mmm...the bed's fresh now”

He tenderly washes my hair and body, taking extra care to clean between my thighs. He rinses me off, his touch gentle and loving. He steps out of the shower and wraps me in a fluffy towel, drying me off thoroughly. “Come on, let's get you into some clothes.”He picks up our discarded clothes from the floor, balled up and thrown haphazardly. He walks across the room to the closet where the washer and dryer are tucked away. He throws our clothes into the washer, starting a load.

He rummages through his dresser, pulling out a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. “Here, these should fit you.”He helps me into his clothes, his touch gentle.

He picks up our discarded clothes from the floor, balled up and thrown haphazardly. He walks across the room to the closet where the washer and dryer are tucked away. He throws our clothes into the washer, starting a load.

I sit on the edge of the bed, watching as Matt returns from the closet, his chest still glistening with droplets of water. He's wearing nothing but a low-slung towel around his hips. I admire his physique, his broad chest, lean muscles, and toned abs.

He walks over to his dresser and begins to sort through the drawers, picking out a pair of grey sweats and a black hoodie. As he does, he hears me speak up from the bed. “I always loved how you looked when you came out of the shower with a towel wrapped around your waist, by the way.”

He pauses mid-movement, his head halfway through the hoodie. “Oh really?” he asks, a playful smile tugging at his lips. He finishes pulling the hoodie over his head, his damp hair peeking out from the hood.

“I always admired you whenever we had hookups back then each time made me fall more in love with you” I admited. Matt steps closer to me, standing between my knees. He reaches down and gently tilts my chin up, forcing me to meet his gaze. “Is that so?”he murmurs.

I nod, my heart racing in my chest. Matt's eyes sparkle with amusement as he leans in, his smirk against my lips. “Good thing you'll be seeing me more often now, so admire how much you want,” he teases, his warm breath fanning over my face.

I can feel his smile against my lips, and I'm drowning in his eyes. “More often?” I repeat, my voice barely above a whisper. Matt nods, his lips brushing against mine gently. “A lot more often,” he whispers back, his hands resting on my knees.

“Because you're mine now,” Matt says, his voice low and possessive. “Something I should've said a long time ago.” His grip on my knees tightens, pulling me closer to him. “And I won't be so blind this time.”

I gasp softly at his words, and Matt takes advantage, pressing his lips to mine in a searing kiss. His hands slide from my knees to my thighs, his touch firm and gentle. I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him closer as our kiss deepens.

We break apart, our breaths heavy and entwined. Matt rests his forehead against mine, his eyes fluttering shut. “Let's get some sleep,” he murmurs, his voice hoarse. He steps back, releasing his hold on me, and offers me his hand. “Come on.”

As we're settling into bed, the door to Matt's room bursts open. “Matt, what did I tell you about leaving the weed out?!” Chris, exclaims, storming into the room. Matt groans, flopping back onto his pillow.

As Chris is about to launch into another lecture, he notices I was there with Matt. “Y/N… nice seeing you back around here. Did my dumbass brother apologize for what he did?” he asks, crossing his arms. Matt groans louder.

“Yeah, he did,” I responded. “Don't worry, if he hadn't, you wouldn't be seeing me anywhere near this house.” Matt grumbles something under his breath. Chris smirks. “Good, thought I was going to lose my best friend because my shitty brother can’t think about anyone’s feelings except his own”

Chris says, still smirking. “Glad to see you two worked things out.” He starts to leave the room, then pauses at the doorway. “And Matt?”

Matt looks over at him. “Don't leave the weed out if you're going to be fucking for so long, guessing that’s what you both did to make up” Chris says, wagging his eyebrows suggestively.

Matt sits up and glares at Chris. “Chris, get the fuck out!” he yells. “Alright alright no need to yell it’s 5 in the morning, Goodnight or should I say Goodmorning.” And with that, he pulls the door shut behind him. Matt looks over at me, rolling his eyes.

I look back at Matt, stunned. “We fucked for two hours?” I ask, my voice barely above a whisper. Matt chuckles, pulling me back into his arms. “It would seem so,” he says, nuzzling my neck.

I sigh contentedly, my hands finding their way into Matt's hair as we drift off to sleep. His breathing evens out, and his body relaxes around mine. Outside, the birds begin to sing, signaling the start of a new day.

a/n: THANK YOU FOR 300 FOLLOWERS!!

THIS IS A MORE LONGER ONE-SHOT THAN MY OTHERS

SO I HOPE YOU ENJOYED

I APPRECIATE YOU ALL THANK YOU AGAIN !!!

— 𝑮𝑯𝑶𝑺𝑻 ♡︎

[tmpestuous]

Moth to a Flame - 7

series masterlist

summary: Bucky Barnes was the love of your life, and you were his. There was no denying it. But after two years of dating, you found yourselves on different paths and decided it was best to go your separate ways. The only problem was how drawn you’d always be to him even after moving on.

pairing: College!Bucky x Reader

warnings: blackmail, angst, toxic relationships, arguments, cheating/infidelity (all over the place..)

word count: 6.5k

a/n: this is a long one… a few time jumps but the next 3 chapters will be a lot closer in timeline. enjoy!

—

Sleep struggled to reach Bucky in the past week; he found himself tossing, turning, and ultimately resolving to staring up at the ceiling until his brain decided to turn off and let his eyes shut. His anxiety had been through the roof, and though it was not a new feeling for him, it felt a lot worse with you at the forefront of his worries.

Natasha and Bucky were the only ones who decided it was worthwhile trying to make amends with you. Well, and Pietro. But their plan to talk to him fell short every time Wanda placed a barrier between her brother and her two friends with the most intense glares.

“He’s not up for talking.”

“Wanda, please,” Natasha pleaded. “You can’t seriously believe that Y/n would be capable of doing something this outrageous.”

“I don’t,” Wanda retorted. “But what else am I supposed to believe? Regardless of if she wanted to keep it a secret or not, she decided to do the former. She didn’t tell anyone. We could have prevented this.”

“But shouldn’t that tell you she’s in this situation a lot deeper than she wants to be?” Bucky questioned.

“It tells me that she still felt the need to protect herself over all of us.”

Bucky sighed to himself at the memory, rubbing his face as he prepared to face the day with yet another 3 hours maximum of rest. Not even a cold shower could wake him up enough, the resolve of shutting his eyes while leaning his head against the shower wall tiles cut short by Steve’s knocking on the door.

Alerting his best friend that he’d be out of the bathroom soon, he shut the water off and quickly made his way back to his room after wrapping his towel around his waist. Thankfully, Bucky knew Natasha would be brewing coffee in the kitchen as the redhead succumbed to a similar path as him. 

After getting dressed, he walked out, seeing the steam of the coffee come from his mug on the kitchen counter, Natasha already sipping on hers.

“Have you checked your email yet?” She asked as Bucky blew into the mug.

“No, why?” 

“Bucky, the Stark Internship acceptances went out yesterday and you’ve been holding all of us in suspense.”

“Shit,” Bucky said after a sip before setting his mug back down and pulling out his phone, quickly opening his email.

Natasha watched as Bucky scanned his phone, his face looking more disappointed than relieved.

“Well?”

“I- um,” Bucky stammered, shaking his head before putting his phone away. “I didn’t get it.”

“Bucky–”

“It’s okay, Nat,” he cut her off. “I did get that job with Y/n. I guess I’ll just take that one.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Steve interjected as he walked into the kitchen, grabbing his own coffee mug that Natasha had left him. “Wanda isn’t gonna be happy.”

“I need a job, Steve. That’s it.”

As much as Bucky wanted to get close to you again and keep an eye on you, he had worked so hard for the Stark Internship. Part of him hated that he had to go work for you instead, especially since it also added to your uncomfortable situation with your boyfriend. It was a lose-lose for the both of you, but he needed an internship. He didn’t want to beg his dad to bend some rules and give him a spot in the family business. This was his only option.

But Steve was right. Wanda wasn’t happy. The group had met up for lunch later that week when she found out and Bucky heard every inch of it. About the lies, the betrayal, about how she can’t imagine even looking you in the face again. Luckily for Bucky, he had to head out for his first day anyway, and ended up leaving during her lecture. 

Bucky could tell from Pietro’s face that he didn’t agree with his sister, but Bucky also hadn’t had the chance to have a conversation with him about you. It was no use asking him there. Natasha had texted him all about her calling Wanda out for being insensitive about the situation, though Bucky didn’t have the energy to reply before walking in to see you.

It had been a week and a half since the incident, and his nerves were eating him alive. Half of him felt the way Wanda did — confused, hurt. He agreed that he would have believed you’d set your pride aside for your friends. But the other half of him knew you wouldn’t just betray everyone like that. After your conversation outside of the hospital—the tremor in your voice, the fear in your eyes behind all of the tears.

“Because it would only make things worse for him. For me. For you.” 

God, he wished you had just told him everything. You immediately shut him down upon his question on what Atlas was holding over you. He knew you.

After calming his racing heart, Bucky got out of his parked car and walked towards the entrance of the building he was told to meet you at. The receptionist was nice enough to let him in even though he was half an hour early, but only because you were already in your office. 

He took a deep breath after making it to your closed door. His closed fist ghosted the air, waiting for the knuckles to press on the frosted window of the door, but his gaze was set on the shadow moving behind it that hadn’t even noticed his presence. Bucky knocked ever-so-lightly, not wanting to test how impossibly expensive the glass was, and the shadow behind the door froze before making its way towards the door. 

Once the door was opened, Bucky was greeted with your gaze, a slightly confused look on your face before you looked over at the clock on the wall.

“You know you’re early, right?” You asked as you turned your attention back to him, but Bucky couldn’t stop looking at you like he couldn’t believe you existed. He hadn’t forgotten anything about you but he had never spent so much time without seeing you, whether in front of his face or across the room. “Bucky…?”

“Sorry,” he said as he pulled himself out of his thoughts, though still staring at you. “Yeah, I know I’m early but I’ve had a really rough morning—well, week— and just kind of really need to dive into some work to distract myself so I thought maybe I’d make a good impression of being overly punctual so you’d let me in.”

Bucky wasn’t usually a rambler. He was a one-liner kind of person, never having too much to say out of fear of saying more than he needed to. You could tell he was anxious, so you nodded and stepped aside to let him in the lab.

It was bigger than what Bucky imagined—open space save for a few tables and some computers atop them. Floor-to-ceiling glass windows and your desk planted in front of one, papers scattered all over.

“I hadn’t really gotten started on anything yet,” you broke the silence. “I honestly wasn’t expecting you to take the offer at all if I’m being honest. I told them to keep you as a last resort since I knew how much you wanted the Stark Internship and that you’d probably take that.”

“I didn’t get it,” Bucky said as he faced you, his back previously to you while he took everything in. Your face was now riddled with more confusion than when you saw him outside your door. 

“What do you mean you didn’t get it? You were a lock for it, Tony even talked you up to his dad.” Bucky shrugged, looking away from your gaze on him. He honestly didn’t want to talk about the dark cloud that had been looming over him since he read the rejection email. Part of him wanted to reach out to Tony and ask what went wrong, but he had felt so defeated lately with everything going on that he didn’t even bother. “Are you okay?”

Pulled from his thoughts for the second time today, he looked at you again and nodded. “I will be.”

You nodded once in return. “Guess we should get started then.”

Bucky was grateful you weren’t being distant with him, but rather the contrary. After you explained all the research directions to him, detailing every instruction on how to collect, analyze, and sort all of the data coming in, everything seemed normal. Your banter was normal, you offered small talk here and there. It was like Bucky finally had his best friend back. 

He hadn’t realized how long it’s been since the two of you had a normal conversation that wasn’t teetering on the feeling of walking on eggshells. He knew he shouldn’t get comfortable given the current circumstances, and was further reminded of that when you spoke up again after a decent pause in your conversation. 

“How is everyone?” 

Bucky looked up from the binder that had his attention to see you hadn’t looked up from your computer screen, probably out of anxiety.

“They’re alright, just… navigating things, I guess,” Bucky answered sincerely. “We all haven’t really talked much about anything, honestly.”

You nodded without saying anything else.

The last thing Bucky wanted to do was to tell you how Wanda’s feeling about him working with you, or about how Natasha and Steve have been more distant with each other than usual given their disagreement on the situation, or how Sam barely likes to be in the room after he hears your name. Everyone in the group was on edge, and unfortunately, it had to do with you. But he wasn’t going to let you beat yourself up over it. It was the last thing you needed. 

You had removed yourself from the group without a word. You packed all of your things when Wanda and Natasha weren’t in the suite, taking everything to what Bucky now knows was your new apartment. It wasn’t cheap by any means, but your parents did agree it was better than paying thousands of dollars for a shared dorm. 

Bucky could tell you were at least content that you weren’t forced to stay with Atlas, whether at his stupid frat house or his own dorm. You never enjoyed it even when you were on good terms with him, so Bucky could only imagine the disdain you held for it now. 

The rest of the day went smoothly, and so did all of the following days Bucky worked with you. He felt back in his element, even though he only got to spend time with you for a few hours in a day. But they were the best hours of each of his days; he cherished them a lot more than he anticipated. Bucky was also grateful he could at least give Natasha updates on how you were doing, given how open you’d been about everything and your halted communication with everyone else. 

Not only were you doing great work with your research, but you were slowly getting your relationship with Bucky back. Having those moments to catch up kept you both so sane.

For instance, on the week of Halloween, you both were talking about costumes and plans, as this was your final Halloween in college.

“I didn’t change my plan for my costume, though,” you said as you highlighted a completed task in your planner. “With everything going on, I didn’t have the time to think of anything else but it’s not like Catwoman was a bad idea to begin with.”

“I guess we’ll still be matching then,” Bucky responded with a chuckle as you looked at him with a surprised face.

“Batman and Catwoman come out on top,” you grinned. “Are you guys even going out this year?”

“Same old party at the sorority house on Kirkland,” Bucky leaned back in his chair. “You going?”

You nodded. “Guess I’ll see you there, Batman.”

And you did. Bucky honestly had to control himself as the sight of you in the hottest Catwoman costume he’d ever seen in his life. Atlas was there, much to Bucky’s dismay, but it didn’t stop him from grinning at you from across the room when the guy wasn’t looking and Sharon wasn’t paying attention. It was a grin you also had no problem in returning before looking away with a face that let Bucky know you were definitely blushing underneath that mask. 

He liked that he still had that effect on you.

More weeks went by and before everyone could process it, it was the week before Thanksgiving. Bucky knew the holidays always made you excited, but your joy was nowhere to be found this go around.

Bucky obviously knew why, with the Friendsgiving tradition you all had coming up, without your attendance. It was bugging him all day to the point that he didn’t even want to go, but he’d never hear the end of it if he bailed. 

3 days before the dinner, Bucky promised Natasha he’d pick up all of the cooking tools and ingredients to take to his place where it’d be happening. He knew she’d only asked him given she and Steve weren’t currently on the best of terms. Bucky usually hated being put in the middle of things, but he let it be for the sake of everything else currently happening in his life.

Bucky and Natasha had also built a much stronger bond in a few weeks than they’d ever had in years of knowing each other, so he tried to see it more as a favor to her instead of her avoidance of Steve.

Natasha wasn’t in her suite, but she let Bucky know the door was open so he wouldn’t have to knock. As soon as he entered, he saw Pietro sitting at the dining table, typing away on his laptop before looking up at him.

“Just the person I wanted to see.”

Bucky chuckled, “Are we gonna talk or is your sister going to banish me again?”

“She’s not here, but she’ll be back soon. What are you doing here anyway?” Pietro lowered his computer screen.

“Picking up some things for Nat then headed to the lab,” Bucky sat across from Pietro. “But I’m in no rush, so tell me everything.”

For the sake of time before Wanda made her way back to her dorm, Pietro kept everything concise. He didn’t hold back, though, telling Bucky about the tape, about him being dragged from the internship fair and his dorm the following night, about you keeping everything to yourself out of fear of putting everyone’s lives in danger. He also mentioned Atlas threatening you with hurting Bucky if you got close to him again, making Bucky realize what you were talking about outside of the hospital.

“There has to be something we can do,” Bucky asserted, his chest aching as the realization sunk about how much you’d been suffering.

“Not yet,” Pietro lifted his computer screen again. “But I have already thought out a plan. It is not going to be easy for you or me at all, but it is the only way.”

Understanding what Pietro meant, Bucky nodded. “I’ll do anything for her, Piet.”

“I know. She won’t like it, but we have no other options. But you absolutely cannot tell her, Barnes.”

Bucky sighed and nodded. Ever since he started working for you, with you, you two were closer than ever. You cracked jokes together, you ate lunch together. You confided in each other about your days, your current stressors. You were best friends again. As much as Bucky wanted to know you weren’t alone, he knew Pietro was right.

Almost as if on cue, Wanda walked through the front door, Natasha right behind her.

“I smell trouble in here,” Wanda spoke up as she set grocery bags down on the kitchen counter. 

“No trouble,” Bucky shook his head and stood up from his seat.. “Was just keeping Pietro company ‘til you came back. I’m gonna take all the things for tomorrow and head out now.”

Natasha eyed Bucky before he whispered to her, ‘I’ll text you’. She nodded in response before helping him grab everything and walking him out to where he was parked outside. Bucky assured her once more that everything would make sense very soon before getting in his car. 

The entire drive to his apartment, the time he spent dropping off the ingredients, then the drive to the research building — he couldn’t take his mind off of you. Bucky, of course, was somewhat relieved that he wasn’t projecting his thoughts about Atlas onto you; but he felt sick to his stomach knowing that you had been suffering for these past few weeks, that you trusted Pietro and not him to know your secret, that you would throw your freedom away to protect him.

Yes, you were protecting yourself as well. You were keeping your job, the work you’d spent so much time and effort on for so long. You weren’t uprooting your research. But there were ways for you to get out of this. He could have helped you, he could have saved you.

Bucky wanted nothing more than to look you in the face and tell you he knew everything. That he was going to do everything in his power to make sure you were safe. But Pietro made it very clear he couldn’t tell you, and he couldn’t go back on his word. Not when it would ruin everything.

So as he sat in his car, mulling over how he was going to play pretend in front of you, Bucky devised a plan of his own. He just needed to get through the next few days.

Once he was calm, Bucky walked into the building, smiling at the receptionist who had told him you had just come in a few minutes ago. With a small ‘thank-you’, he walked to the elevator and headed upstairs.

Once he reached the sixth floor to make his way to the office, Bucky saw the last person he wanted or expected to see.

“Bucky Barnes,” Atlas said with a smug grin. “Been a bit since I’ve seen you, how’s your friend holding up?”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “I have work to get to. See ya around.”

As he walked past the blonde, Bucky shook his head. He could do so much to him. He could beat the smug look off his face and the ego out of his personality. He could ruin his life. But he wouldn’t.

“You know, the Stark Internship is amazing.”

Stopping in his tracks, Bucky looked at Atlas from his peripheral vision. “What?”

“The Stark Internship that you applied for. I’ve only been there about three weeks after someone dropped out, but it is the best professional experience I’ve had,” Atlas chuckled. “I’m honestly surprised she didn’t tell you. Quite a shame you’re missing out, but I can’t say I’d be thrilled working with you.”

And then he was gone. While Bucky was left shell-shocked in the hallway, left to face you. 

Walking into the office, you looked up from your desk, your eyes softening from a more irritated look once you’d realized it was Bucky in the room.

“Bucky, hey,” you said with a half-smile. “You came just in time, I have something to tell you.”

“I saw Atlas outside.”

Making your way in front of your desk which you were standing behind, you crossed your arms over your chest. “I figured, considering he just left. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about actually.”

“So you did know,” Bucky said softly, the familiar ache in his chest from earlier making a reappearance.

“Knew what?”

“That your boyfriend got the Stark Internship I wanted.”

“Yeah, that’s what I was going to tell you—”

“Just because I saw him outside and you knew he’d rub it in my face? Would you have told me if I didn’t see him or would you have kept that from me too?”

Furrowing your eyebrows, you stared at Bucky in disbelief before letting a scoff out, tears welling up in your eyes immediately.

“Wow.”

“Y/n–”

“I don’t know why I would ever believe that we moved past everything,” you shook your head, going back to your desk. “I found out that Atlas has been working at Stark today. That’s what I was going to tell you as soon as I saw you walk in the door. I didn’t know he was working there or I would’ve told you from the first second he stepped through Stark’s doors, Bucky. And I can’t believe you would stand there and think that I’d do otherwise when we’ve been so… normal.”

Bucky exhaled a deep breath before rubbing a hand over his face, his gaze then fixated on his shoes. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he looked up at you as you were trying not to cry, making his way over to you, placing his hands on your shoulders as you avoided his stare. “I’ve had… a day, filled with information that has been tearing my brain apart but that is no excuse for accusing you of lying to me. I’m sorry, dragă.”

Sniffling, you looked up at him with a soft smile. “It’s okay. Maybe we should get to work, okay?”

Bucky was surprised you even forgave him, watching as you walked back to your desk and sifted through some papers. 

But he didn’t press on the issue. Not even the next day. Or two days after. 

It was the morning of the friendsgiving dinner that Bucky had been more than dreading the whole week. Sharon was talking his ear off about outfit choices as he got ready for the day, having to work then rush back to his place and help prepare for the god forsaken dinner. 

But all he could think about was you and the distance you held between you and him for the past four days.

He couldn’t blame you at all. He overstepped, he lashed out and he couldn’t be upset if you didn’t trust him anymore. After weeks of blind confidence in him, he brought you back to square one. Alone. 

“Bucky, are you even listening to me?” Sharon said with blatant irritation, snapping Bucky out of his thoughts. 

“Sorry,” he said before pulling a sweater on. “I have to head out.”

“Seriously?”

“I have work and then the dinner with everyone and I’m just— I’m sorry, Sharon. I’m stressed. You can stay here and get ready, wear the blue dress.”

Before she could respond, Bucky was rushing out of the door, ignoring everyone swamping his apartment after finishing their responsibilities for the day. 

Anxiety had a way of rearing its head for Bucky at the most inconvenient moments, but this, by far, was one of the worst cases. He was counting his lucky graces that he made it to work in one piece, though his anxiety would only get worse the second he had to work alongside you while you were upset with him.

He caught a bit of a break when the building’s receptionist told him you were running late, though it was so uncharacteristic of you to be late to anything. 

Maybe traffic was shitty. Your route from your new place was different from his. 

Even then, you were always early. Usually an hour or two before your clock-in time. Taking a leap, Bucky texted you.

Bucky: Everything okay? Monica told me you were running a bit late.

No response. Bucky rubbed his eyes, knowing he really didn’t need something to add to his list of anxiety triggers at the moment. Deciding it was best to throw himself into work as a distraction, Bucky kept himself busy for an hour.

He’d worked with you long enough that he knew how you ordered all of your research virtually. Color-coding, organizing all of your results by order of the universities they were coming from, ranking the results in order of responses by question.

This research was huge, a study done through an intense survey of students from some of the biggest and most prestigious universities in the country. Being backed by a company as big as Oscorp among others had colleges falling at your fingertips for a chance to be included. Beyond just wanting to work with you, he was so immersed in your work. The least he could do was advance it a bit more for you as you were running late. 

So he did. And an hour and 20 minutes after Bucky walked into the office, you were outside of the door cursing to yourself as you rummaged through your bag in search of your key to the office. Bucky walked over and opened it for you, leaving you staring at him with your hand frozen in your bag and tears in your eyes.

“The door was open,” Bucky said softly, taking in your frazzled state. “Are you okay?”

Wiping your eyes and smearing your mascara as you rushed inside the office, “I had this stupid lunch with Atlas and his parents and it was awful and all I wanted was to leave but I sat there like the good girlfriend I’m supposed to be and listened to him goad on and on about everything at Stark Industries and then diminish everything I’m researching like he’s—”

“Hey,” Bucky shut the door and pulled you into a hug. He noticed you stopped yourself, about to spill everything to him but for the sake of keeping his and Pietro’s plans, he just held you. “You’re okay, I promise,” Bucky looked down at you and cupped your face in his hands, wiping away some of your tears with his thumbs as you sniffled. “I know how much you hate being late so I started on some work. I got through analyzing about 80 results when you came in, color-coded and organized them how you like, all by each school.”

New tears made their way onto your face, Bucky immediately worried he hurt you though you assured him otherwise. After a few beats, Bucky was taken by surprise as you quickly leaned up and kissed him, letting both of your mouths move against each other with unspoken adoration and love before you pulled away breathless.

“I’m— I’m sorry,” you said, stepping back out of Bucky’s grasp, his lips a brighter red now and his cheeks flushed as he looked at you. “I know I hate my ‘boyfriend’,” using your fingers to make air quotes, “but you still have a girlfriend. I’m sorry, I let my emotions kind of take over.”

“I kissed you back, you know,” he said without hesitation.

“Bucky, we can’t—”

“Why not?” He asked as he stepped towards you. “I kissed you back. I kissed you back when you kissed me at that party. I kissed you back now.”

“You still have a girlfriend, Bucky. I just got overwhelmed because nobody’s… cared for me, like that in a while. It’s been so long and I kind of forgot how it felt. But I overstepped and I shouldn’t have.”

“I don’t love her,” Bucky admitted. “I have never loved her, I won’t ever love her. Hell, I didn’t even ask her to be my girlfriend.” 

He stepped near you again, back in your personal bubble as he inched his face closer to yours. He caressed your face with one of his hands once more, before leaning down and kissing you again like it replenished the air in his lungs.

Leaning you against the wall, you wrapped your arms around Bucky’s neck, kissing him back with every ounce of energy you could give as he used his free hand to grip your thigh and wrap your leg around his waist. After a few minutes, you both pulled away, catching your breaths as you stared at each other with longing eyes.

“I don’t think you know how long I’ve been waiting to do that again,” Bucky said as you giggled a bit. “I’d continue but it’s probably not best to christen our place of employment that way.”

“Shut up,” you said playfully, pushing him back softly, keeping your hands on his chest. “I still kind of feel bad.”

“Don’t,” Bucky shook his head, placing his hands on your waist. 

“Are you sure?” You asked, not fully convinced. “I know how long it took for you to move on and I’d hate to ruin that.”

“I promise. I’ve been racking my brain on how to end things with her anyway,” Bucky reassured as he rubbed your waist softly. You nodded without a word, running a hand through his hair, your attention suddenly elsewhere. “Where’d you go, prinţesă?”

“The dinner’s today,” you said softly, still not looking at Bucky. He could hear the melancholy in your tone. “Are you going?”

“Nat might kill me if I don’t,” Bucky joked, which made you smile a bit. “Why do you ask?”

“I wish I could be there.”

Bucky pulled you back against him, kissing your forehead. “Me too.” 

After you and Bucky decided it was best to get back to work, the rest of the day moved swiftly; you and Bucky were back to your normal dynamic once again, though clearly slightly different. 

Bucky was anticipating going through a myriad of situations before he could truly savor your lips on his again. When you kissed him all those weeks ago at that party, it was more solemn—an apology for what was about to come. Though your kiss came out of whatever impulse you had, Bucky had been feeling all those urges too. 

He wasn’t the cheater type at all and, honestly, the thought of it did make him feel like shit. But he didn’t want you to blame yourself for his actions. He wasn’t lying when he said he was trying to break up with her, but something about ending things right before the holidays also made him feel shitty.

As the day moved on, Bucky’s anxiety creeped up on him again. The looming dread of walking into his apartment and having to sit at this dinner pretending like nothing was wrong wasn’t going away anytime soon. Bucky could tell you sensed he was off with the way you were staring at him as he put his jacket on.

“Everything okay?” 

He looked at you and shrugged. “In theory.”

“The dinner will be fine, Buck,” you offered him a smile, somehow knowing how to read his mind as always. 

He felt bad leaving you here at work to attend the dinner you were always excited about. He insisted on grabbing something together, so you at least had enjoyed food with him. However, you warned him of the wrath of the Russian redhead if he showed up to dinner on a full stomach. He couldn’t help but chuckle because he knew you were right. 

You gave him a tight, warm hug before he left. He knew you needed it, even more than he did. He wanted to tell you then and there that he was going to help you, that he’d get you out of the situation you were trapped in. He debated so hard internally, but, once again, he told himself he had to keep his word. 

Once he left the office and made it back to his apartment, Bucky took another moment of silence in his car after parking in his assigned space. A calm before the storm, he convinced himself. After taking a few deep breaths, he got out of the car, locked it, and walked to the entrance. He did his best to quiet his mind as the elevator made it to his floor, as he twisted his keys in the locks, and entered his buzzing apartment.

“It’s about time!” Sam exclaimed from the couch, seated with Steve, Thor, and Pietro in the living room. “We were about to play poker without you.”

“You can go on ahead, I gotta shower,” Bucky said as he shrugged his jacket off. “But when I get back, you’re all getting your asses kicked.”

Smirking at his friends’ complaints as he walked down the hallway, Bucky made his way into his room, seeing Sharon still getting ready.

“Hi,” she said monotonously, sighing when Bucky responded with a ‘hey’ in the same tone. “How was work?”

“Fine,” Bucky responded shortly again, putting his shoes in the closet and grabbing his towel for a shower. As he headed out the door, Sharon stopped him with a question.

“Are you upset with me or something?” Her tone was clearly one of frustration, which Bucky wasn’t in the mood for. “You’ve been avoiding me all week.”

“I’ve had quite a shitty week,” Bucky admitted, knowing it wasn’t too far from the truth. “I just need this dinner to be over with and some time to decompress before we have a talk.”

“A talk? About what?”

“Us,” was all Bucky said before heading to the bathroom. 

He made sure to take an extra long shower, needing a moment to relax before the thing he was dreading all day. He noted Sharon wasn’t in his room when he came out of the bathroom, and he was kind of grateful for it. 

Once he was dressed, Bucky checked his phone as it buzzed, seeing a text from you.

Y/n: hope the dinner goes okay. Still wishing I was there ):

Bucky: Me too. I promise everything will be okay soon.

Y/n: I hope so. 

Y/n: can’t quite stop thinking about earlier.

Bucky knew what you meant, and he couldn’t stop thinking about it either. It was the only thing on his mind, the taste of having you back was consuming his entire being. 

He had to tell Pietro the plan needed to start. Soon.

Bucky: Me neither. You still at the office?

Y/n: might sleep here if I’m being honest

Bucky: I’ll stop by later tonight.

Y/n: no christening the office

Bucky chuckled at his phone.

Bucky: No promises. See you later.

After putting his phone to charge, Bucky stepped out to the living room. The boys were all outside on the balcony, while Wanda and Nat were in the kitchen. He didn’t see Sharon at first but then she stepped out of the half-bathroom and turned her gaze away from Bucky immediately.

“Bucky, would you mind setting the table? Ask Pietro to help you.” Wanda asked from the opening in the wall to see through to the kitchen.

“Yeah, no problem,” Bucky said as he turned towards the dining area after grabbing the plates, seeing Pietro walk in, assuring Bucky that he had already heard his sister. “I guess twin telepathy is a thing.”

Pietro chuckled. “How is she?”

Bucky waited for Pietro to place the table mat in front of a seat before placing a plate. “She’s alright, but I can tell she’s hurting.”

“I was thinking that we should get a start on the plan soon,” Pietro spoke quietly, not wanting anyone else to overhear. “I would hate for this to drag into the new year.”

“Yeah, I agree,” Bucky grabbed the utensils once all of the plates were set, passing half to Pietro. “This weekend?”

“That would be optimal. There is a party at their house on Saturday.”

“How do I get their attention in just two days?”

“You will,” Pietro reassured. “Trust me. After tonight.”

Deciding not to pry further, Bucky thanked his instincts as Natasha and Wanda walked into the dining room with the food. Bucky and Pietro helped free their hands and placed everything on the table, the girls calling out to everyone else.

Bucky could sense Sharon’s tension as she sat next to him, but he opted to do his best to ignore her. He needed to break things off sooner than later.

Once everyone dived into their food and made conversation, Bucky didn’t say much. He hadn’t even realized how empty his stomach was until he started devouring his plate.

“Slow down, Barnes,” Sam joked from across the table. “I know you hate talking but you still gotta chew before you swallow.”

Bucky shot him a glare before resuming his task at hand.

“I think he isn’t talking for other reasons,” Sharon spoke up, surprising everyone at the table, especially Bucky who now stared at her incredulously. “What? You clearly invited me here as a placemat for your missing traitor.”

“Excuse me?” Natasha said before Bucky could retaliate.

“I don’t know why I’m here when Bucky so obviously wishes Y/n was here instead. That’s why you’re cheating on me with her, right? That’s what your silly little job is? Become her lapdog again?”

Bucky chuckled. “You should stop talking.”

“Why?”

“You should stop talking,” Pietro interjected, Wanda silently urging him not to get involved. “Since we are bringing up accusations, why don’t we speak about you cheating on Bucky?”

If Bucky could get whiplash from how fast he turned his head towards Pietro, he would have. “What are you talking about?”

“I have been holding my tongue for a while,” Pietro started. “But I do not think I can sit by and watch you stay with this woman as she is involved with the man ruining the life of the woman you love.”

Bucky was very much confused 30 seconds ago, but he was even more confused now.

“Pietro, I don’t know what you saw—”

“But you do know what I saw, Sharon,” Pietro interrupted. “You and Atlas outside of the fair, kissing. Plotting against Bucky and Y/n. He and his friends took me forcefully while you warmed up to Bucky like nothing happened. Like you didn’t know why I was injured that night. Like Y/n was the traitor when you have been the parasite this entire time.”

“Pietro, why would you not tell us this?” Wanda asked, in as much disbelief as everyone else at the table. 

Pietro stared at Bucky, though Bucky was racking his brain trying to process what the fuck he just heard.

“Y/n is being blackmailed by her boyfriend. I couldn’t admit anything without jeopardizing her safety. But I’m sure it will be jeopardized now,” Pietro threw a smug look Sharon’s way before calmly turning back to his food.

“Bucky—”

“Get out.” 

Sharon pleaded with him, but Bucky cut her off once more.

“Get the fuck out before I throw you out of here.”

With tears in her eyes, Sharon rushed out of the apartment, Bucky standing up to lock the door behind her before walking back into the dining room.

It was so silent, Bucky once again became self aware of his racing thoughts, needing to break the ice—a rarity for him.

“Is there anything someone wants to say?”

“Yeah,” Steve said, rubbing Nat’s shoulder while she was trying to process everything and staring at his best friend. “How do we kill this asshole?”

[cinnaleaf]

ESSENCE OF US - CH 7: ALL THAT GLITTERS...* [FT. YAPPING TRENT]

Please read responsibly. This fic will get hot and heavy as the story progresses, 18+ only MDNI | READ CH 6 | MASTERLIST | READ CH 8 [soon]

summary: a fleeting encounter with a mysterious Trent leaves you wondering if fate is playing a bigger match. your paths continue to cross in unexpected places as the fragrances around you mirror the growing tension between you. maybe it's just a coincidence..or maybe its destiny in the making.

warnings: ANGST, SMUT, praise kink, dom/sub switch if u squint, begging, unprotected sex, language, implied anxiety genre: angst, fluff, slow(ish) burn romance wc: ~7.2k

The moment your voice cracked through the phone, Trent exhaled like he was holding his breath all night.

“Trent????” you asked again, wiping your eyes and sitting up against the headboard. You felt comfortable in your safe space, but the tension from Trent’s silence had you more awake than you wanted to be at such an early hour.

“Y/N” he said shakily. “You answered.”

You frowned, still half awake. “Mhm..why wouldn’t I?”

“Been calling you for hours...I thought you were pissed,” he admitted, you could feel the guilt laced in his voice. Your phone had been dead the majority of the night after the interview; mainly due to the onslaught of notifications. “Oh, baby no. I wasn’t ignoring you. My phone died from all the madness and I just..fell asleep.” You yawned, tugging your blanket up towards you. “You were worrying all night?”

“Yeah..I thought I messed up everything,” he murmured, sounding unsure of himself. He was clearly torturing himself all night, thinking you were angry at him, and it pulled at your heartstrings. “I mean..it wasn’t ideal that's for sure,” you admitted. “But it’s not the end of the world Trent. I know you didn’t do it on purpose.”

“Still..” he pressed in a heavier tone. “I promised you I would keep this shit away from you and instead I brought you right into it. Everyone knows now.” You sighed, still trying to wake yourself up. He was expecting an angry outburst from you based on the texts you sent, but you weren’t that mad at him, just extremely exhausted.

“You didn’t drag me into anything. It was bound to happen eventually and I knew that when we got together. It’s just...a part of your world I have to get used to, I guess,” the weight of your words sunk in as you said them out loud. There was silence on the other end that stretched for a ridiculously long time. Trent felt uneasy about something, and you could tell he was holding back.

“So...you’re not mad?” he finally asked, sounding so fragile. 

You sighed, wishing you could pull him into a hug from your end of the phone. “Well..I’m not gonna lie and say I’m happy about it.. but I’m not angry either. Just tired.”

“You sure?”

“I promise. It’s just....” you trailed off, trying to gather the thoughts from your sleep induced haze. “It’s been a really long day.”

That caught his attention immediately. He loved to yap. If there was an open ended question that would result in a long conversation, he was definitely going to ask; partially to hear your voice, and the other just to yap.

“What happened? Tell me.”

You let out a long sigh, rubbing your temples as the events from the day rushed back to you. “Love Notes was insane today. The phone wouldn’t stop ringing after your interview. People were coming in asking about the aftershave like I had it already. And to top it off, some kids came in and broke one of the fragrances. It gave me the worst fucking headache ever.” You didn’t feel the need to mention the conversation with your parents or the anxiety attack, it felt too heavy for the moment, and you weren't sure if you were ready to talk about it either.

“Shit. I didn’t know it got that bad. I didn’t know the logo was showing until I read your texts on the plane. How are you feeling? You should drink more water,” he rambled, sounding completely spent but still holding on for the yap session.

“I feel better... but Camille keeps bringing up hiring an assistant and..I just don’t know.”

Trent’s voice perked up slightly, “Well..baby she’s not wrong.” You rolled your eyes, feeling annoyed that he was suggesting it as well. “Trent. Don’t start. I’ve heard enough from everyone already.”

“I’m just saying—”

“I know,” you interrupted, sounding more sharp than you intended to. “Everyone thinks I can’t handle it. I don’t get why no one believes I can do this on my own? It’s my business.” Trent was silent for a while, and you felt bad for snapping, but the frustration was building all day. “Y/N...nobody thinks you can’t handle it,” he said gently. “But you’re only one person. You can’t do everything by yourself.”

“Yeah, but it feels like no one believes in me,” you mumbled, rubbing your eyes. “What if I can handle it? Like, what if I don’t need an assistant? It’s fine. I’m fine.” Trent sighed, his voice softer. “No one doubts you’re not good at what you do, Y/N. Everyone has their limit. Tyler helps me out all the time. You should think about it, it’s not a bad idea.”  You sighed, feeling a little deflected. “Okayyyy. I’ll think about it.” He laughed at your annoyance with him, a brief silence following before he spoke again in a softer voice. “I haven’t slept all night and it’s almost 5AM.”

“Trent, what the hell? You’ve been up this entire time?” 

“Yeah,” he said, voice wound with exhaustion. “Couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

“Aww. Baby, you have to go to sleep. Please..for me?” you murmured, dropping your voice.

“I will. Just wanted to hear your voice…”

“You heard it..now go to sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.” you said gently, knowing he would want to yap even more.

He let out a tired chuckle but you could hear the weariness in his voice. “I wish you were here...next to me.” His sleepy admission made you smile. “I wish I was too. But pleaseee go to bed. Just call me when you wake up.”

He hummed in response, still talking but whispering. “Mm, yeah. Sleep. Just wanna be with you. Always…”  

You giggled softly, “We have plenty of time for that later. Just sleep.” He continued talking, slurring his words as he slowly lost his grip on consciousness. “When the season is over...we should go on holiday. Just us.” You perked up at the idea, remembering you were thinking the same thing earlier. “Oh, yeah? Where to?”

“Don’t care as long as I’m with you...somewhere warm,” he mumbled. “Santorini...or south of France.” You smiled hearing him planning already, despite being half awake. “What about the Maldives? Oh! Oh!! Or maybe St. Barths?”

“Hawaii,” he added sleepily, his words getting slower and slower. “11 hour time difference though, we’d be so jet lagged.”

“Yeah, but it would be worth it just to be with you on the beach somewhere. I heard Ka'anapali is nice.”

“Yeah…just..us” his voice was fading fast, sleep pulling him into a dream about your future holiday. “I love you.” 

You froze immediately.

You could’ve sworn you heard him say 'I love you', but you thought for sure you misheard him. It was late and you were both exhausted. There’s no way he said that.

Right?

No no no, he didn’t. You were probably mishearing him. He definitely said “I’d love to.” That made a lot more sense given the conversation. You heard it wrong. You were sure you did.

“Trent?” you whispered, but the sound of soft breathing let you know he was already fast asleep. You leaned back against the pillows, trying to convince yourself you definitely didn’t hear him say those words for the first time while he was half asleep. He was exhausted, you were tired...it obviously had to be ‘I’d love to.’ You pressed the button to end the call, dropping your phone next to you as you pulled the blankets around yourself. As you drifted back to sleep, you convinced yourself whatever you heard was a figment of your overworked, sleepy imagination.

Maybe you did need an assistant.

A few hours later you woke up, groaning into your pillow as the memory of last night came up in your mind:

‘I love you’ or ‘I’d love to’ ?

It felt like a dream, but it wasn’t. You sat up, trying to shake the drowsiness off. There’s absolutely no way he said that half asleep, over the phone. You were delusional and exhausted from everything going on. Clearly, you were running yourself into the ground, and now you were hearing things. Camille was right.

You grabbed your phone to scroll through the endless notifications from yesterday. There were texts and calls from people you barely knew, all asking for 'The Trent Scent'. It felt like the whole world was on your ass about it. You never planned for anyone to know it existed, yet suddenly it was all anyone cared about. You wanted to crawl back in bed and rot for a week but you knew better, you had things to handle. Which now included possibly finding an assistant. You hated admitting Camille and Trent were right, but it was becoming too much. You dragged yourself out of bed and tiptoed downstairs to the kitchen, where Camille was making some weird health nut smoothie. She glanced up when she saw you, stifling a laugh. “Morning, babe. You look terrible.” You rolled your eyes, leaning against the counter. “I feel like shit. Didn’t sleep great.”

“Rough night?” Camille asked, turning off the blender. She poured two glasses and handed you one. “Try this. It’ll make you feel better. Trust.” 

You eyed the glass skeptically. “What’s in it? Why is it three different colors?”

“Strawberries, dates, collagen powder, sea moss, avocado..some other stuff.” Camille grinned, sipping from her glass. “It’s really good, I swear.” You reluctantly took a sip, expecting to frown immediately–but it actually wasn’t bad. It tasted like dessert for breakfast, but was somehow healthy. “Okay.. this is so good,” you muttered between sips. 

“See?” Camilled said, smirking. “I tried it at Erewhon when I went to LA. My skin is glowing. It’s the collagen.” You couldn’t deny it tasted amazing, but you silently laughed at Camille finding a way to bring Erewhon across continents. Your mind faltered back to the conversation you had with Trent a couple of hours ago and you groaned.

“Camille…I think I’m losing it. Actually going mad. Legitimately.” 

Camille snorted, almost choking on her smoothie. “You’re so dramatic Y/N. What’s up?” You sighed, placing a hand on your hip. “I was on the phone last night with Trent, and I swear I heard him say ‘I love you.’”

“Okay… andddd?”

“I don’t know!” you blurted, throwing your hands up dramatically. “He was half asleep, I was knackered..I had to mishear him. I think he said ‘I’d love to’ because we were talking about going on holiday. He had to or else it doesn’t make sense, right?” Camille gave you an amused look. “A bit random to say it mid-snooze, yeah. But..nothing about the two of you is ordinary in the slightest. Stranger things have happened. What did you say back?”

“Obviously nothing!! Hung up and convinced myself I imagined it. I was so tired.”

Camille laughed, shaking her head. “Yeah, well, he’s definitely in deep..so who knows. Maybe you didn’t imagine it, but what’s the big deal? You love him, no?” You bit your lip, contemplating. “It’s just..ugh. I don’t know. Everything is moving so chaotically..” Camille studied you for a moment, like she knew something you hadn’t figured out just yet; she would wait until you figured it out yourself. “That brings me to my next point...you need help at the boutique. Especially now.”

You groaned again, “I get it!! Why does everyone keep reminding me?”

“Because it's true! You’re doing the work of like five different people. And girl, I love you, but I’m exhausted just watching you move like this.”

“I’m fine!” you whined, though the fatigue in your face told a different story. “It’s just a little rough patch. No biggie.” Camille gave you a pointed look. “You fell asleep before I could even pour any wine last night. That’s not a rough patch babes, you’re running on fumes. I can’t believe you did me like that.” You scowled at her, not wanting to admit she had a point. “I’m just scared…I put my whole life into that place.”

“I get why you’re protective over it. But an assistant could help out a lot. Plus, you’ll be able to spend more time with Trent.” You sighed, giving in a little. Having more free time did sound nice, regardless of Trent being included in the perk. “Fine. But I’m picking who gets hired.”

“Fucking finally,” Camille laughed. “But I’m still helping.” You dropped your jaw in disbelief, partially smirking. “No help from your dad, though.”

“Our dad, you mean. But yeah, I promise. Cross my heart and all that,” Camille said, crossing her fingers.

You smiled, reaching for your laptop, eager to get it over with. “Let’s just get this sorted before I regret it,” you muttered while logging in to draft the job posting. Camille grabbed her phone, glancing over your shoulder as she watched you type. “The charity gala is coming up in a couple weeks..do you know what you and Trent are wearing yet?” You gasped, fingers pausing over the keyboard. “I forgot all about that..oh my days. I really am losing it.” 

“Y/N, how could you forget?! I can’t wait to see what everyone wears.” You let out a small laugh, trying to focus on the job posting. “Clearly I’ve been busy. I just hope it isn’t as chaotic as last time. I think I reached my limit for that this year already.” Camille smirked, “Speaking of chaos..remind me to take Jude’s phone the moment he grabs a drink. We don’t need another Paris situation.” You bursted out laughing, “A little too late for that, I think. I’m actually tired of tiptoeing around..people know anyway.” 

“Oooh, thinking about an official pop out?” Camille asked, curiously.

“Absolutely not. But I just don’t see the point anymore. Maybe people will leave me alone if I just give them what they want.” The gears started turning in your head as soon as the words left your lips. If people were going to keep hounding you about Rêveur, maybe you could do something meaningful with it. “...What if I released a limited batch of Rêveur for the gala? And all proceeds go to charity?” Camille smiled excitedly, clasping her hands together. “Y/N, you’re a genius!”

“I’ll have to talk to Trent first, though…it’s his.” 

Camille waved her hands dismissively, sucking her teeth, “Please. He’ll be all for it. He was waving the bottle around on camera like he was paid billions. I’ve never seen that man advertise anything with that much excitement.” You nodded as the idea swirled around in your mind, just as you hit ‘publish’ on the job posting. “Yeah..I’ll talk to him.”

A few days later, you stepped into a restaurant, your heels clanked against the marble floor as Trent’s hand found your lower back to guide you inside. The restaurant had an intimate feel; the lighting was low, with a soft glow from the candles on the tables. From the moment you walked in, eyes were on the two of you. Trent had on an all white fit, crisp lines tailored his shirt and trousers; it looked gorgeous against his brown skin; he was also wearing an Audemars Piguet watch, the scent of Rêveur clinging to his skin. You were wearing a dress that hugged every curve just right, the fabric shimmering ever so slightly. Your heels caught in the light, adding a few extra inches to make your legs look longer. Your perfume was a soft, warm scent of amber and vanilla, which paired perfectly with his aftershave.

“You look incredible, Y/N. And you smell so damn good,” Trent whispered in your ear. He gently spun you around, taking in the full view as his eyes ran over your body, lingering his gaze on the way your skin was glowing under the dim lighting. “So fucking beautiful baby.”

You bit your lip, feeling your confidence soar from his praise. “Thanks.. but you’re kinda eating me up with that watch,” you teased, eyeing how he looked in the crisp shirt that clung to his body just right. “Nah..I wore this for you ‘cause it has the moon on it. Reminds me of my girl,” he winked, kissing you softly on the lips. You could feel heat surging within you, but you played it off and headed to a table that was tucked away in a private area with the perfect view of the city. While you were eating dinner, Trent couldn’t take his eyes off of you. He was staring at you more than he was eating, complimenting you every few minutes. “You’re so beautiful. So perfect. I’m lucky as hell.” You giggled, picking up your wine glass before taking a sip. “I think you said that like ten times tonight.” “And I’ll say it for an eleventh time..you’re so beautiful, baby. I mean it every time. You’re stunning.” You could see his eyes dropping to your chest before meeting your gaze again with a smirk. You and Trent hadn’t really seen each other much the past few weeks due to your schedules, but made a plan to have a date night after the interview fiasco. He was definitely upping the ante; everything felt so deeply intimate and sensual. Trent leaned back in his chair, eyes still transfixed on you. You thought back to the phone call the two of you had a couple of days ago when you thought you heard him say ‘I love you’. He didn’t say anything else since then, so it was clear you more than likely heard him wrong, but still.. you wondered. Now wasn’t the time though, you didn’t want to make anything awkward. He was sitting across from you looking like a dream, and the last thing you wanted to do was ruin the mood. Trent’s thumb rubbed soothing circles on the back of your hand, his eyes still hypnotised by your beauty. You both knew where the night was heading, but teasing him was much more fun.

“So..for the gala” you began, trailing your fingers around the rim of the wine glass with your other hand, his eyes watching every movement. “I was thinking we could do a release of Rêveur and just give the proceeds to charity. What do you think?” You were slowly rubbing your leg against his under the table. Trent’s eyes widened when your heels grazed his ankle. “Yeah..that’s a..uhh..erm..really good idea. Let’s do it.” He could barely get the words out, he was completely flustered. You smiled innocently, letting the strap of your dress slip from your shoulder. “Yeah? Everyone keeps begging for it sooo..let’s give the people what they want..” you paused, sliding your heel off and pressing your foot directly into his lap. You could feel his dick twitch underneath you, “may as well make it worthwhile.” His entire body stiffened and his hand slid down to grab your calf, his fingers circling lazy on your glowing skin. He was trying to make you beg for him, but you were determined to have the upper hand tonight, for now anyway.

“Baby...c’mon. You’re not even playing fair right now” he muttered in a hoarse voice.

“What? I’m just talking about the gala…” you bantered, giving him a sultry look as you pressed your foot against his hard on. You could feel his body shudder against the pressure, his cock twitching even more. “Why are you so distracted, babe?” He squeezed your leg tighter, letting out a shaky breath. “Y/N...we need to leave. Right now.” You grinned, pushing him further. “But we haven’t finished finalizing plans yet..” You applied more pressure, watching him suck in a breath. “We can’t leave out all the details Trent.”

“Baby, please,” he whispered. His hand was trembling as he stroked the skin below the hem of your dress. He was trying so hard to keep it together, but alas, you wanted to push him farther one more time. “We need to get out of here before I lose my mind in front of all these people.” You laughed, leaning forward to stand up. “Fine..but you need to help me first.” He gave you a confused look until you lifted your leg back on his lap. “Put my heel back on, pretty please?” you said innocently, yet the look you were giving him was anything but. He swallowed hard as his gaze traveled up your leg. If there wasn’t anyone else in the restaurant, he probably would’ve bent you over the table right then. Your dress slid just enough for him to catch a glimpse of the lace thong you were wearing, and it nearly did him in. His hands were shaking as he slid the heel back on your foot. He placed a kiss on your ankle, muttering something about how you were going to pay for it later. You grinned, standing up straighter to smooth your dress out. “What was that babe? Did you say something?” He shook his head, standing up quickly and taking your hand in his. “Let’s go Y/N. Now.”

As soon as Trent unlocked the door you barely had a chance to step inside before his hands were all over you. “You’re a fucking tease,” he growled. He lifted you up, flinging you over his shoulder. “Trent! Put me down!!” you squealed, lightly hitting his back. “Be quiet” he ordered, smacking your ass. The sting of it sent a thrill straight between your legs. “I’m gonna give you something to really scream about.” You made a mental note to tease him more often, this was hot. He was a man on a mission as he carried you up the stairs, you were getting wetter by the second. Once he finally tossed you on the bed, you were pretty sure your thong was soaked. “You were so bad tonight.” he said, sliding his hands down your body to grab the hem of your dress. “Rubbing your foot against me under the table like that..trying to make me lose my mind in front of everybody.” You bit your lip feeling him tug at your dress. You heard the sound of fabric ripping and you gasped. “Wh–”

“I’ll buy another one,” he interrupted, leaving you in nothing but the thong. You were about to say something sassy until his fingers hooked your thong and you heard another rip echo in the room. You were already arching against his hands as his eyes drank you in. “I’m in charge now” His fingers found your clit immediately, rubbing circles that had you bucking your hips. “Wanna be a good girl for me now, yeah?” You were a moaning mess already, head falling against the pillows trying to catch your breath. “Yes, yesss,” you pant, already close from how pent up you were. This was the first time the two of you were having sex in weeks, and your body was aching for him. He pinched one of your nipples between his fingers with his other hand, as his fingers sped up on your clit.

“T-Trent, baby.. I’m so close.”

“No,” he huffs, pulling his hand away and leaving you on the verge of sobbing. “Not until I tell you to.” Your breath hitched and you nodded quickly, spreading your legs wider for him. He wasted no time dipping his fingers back inside you, groaning from how wet you were. His thumb encircled your clit again, rubbing teasing circles to set you off. “Look at you, Y/N. Such a good girl.” You moaned loudly, rocking against his hand. “Mm..oh my god, yes.” He curled his fingers inside of you, hitting a different angle that made your back arch off the bed as a mewl escaped your lips. “Just like that, baby. You sound so fucking beautiful moaning for me.” His praise was setting off a flame within you, making you say things you didn’t even realize you were saying.

“Ooh, fuck. Do whatever you want to me, please,” you beg, grinding against his fingers. You were on the verge of an orgasm and he could tell; he applied a little more pressure to your clit and whispered in your ear. “Show me how much you love being my good girl. Cum on my fingers, baby. Give it to me.” You squeezed your eyes shut, curving your back as you moaned his name, waves of pleasure enveloping you as you fluttered around his fingers. 

“Good girl,” he murmured, voice filled with pride. “So fucking pretty when you cum.” Just as you were coming back to earth, he pulled his fingers out of you and lined his cock, pushing inside you in a smooth thrust.

“Fuck!” you both moan in unison, your eyes rolling back in pleasure. He moved slow at first, trying to savour the moment, but then picked up the pace, gripping your hips. “You feel so fucking good. Goddamn, Y/N.” he grits out, thrusting into you harder. You were still sensitive but you wrapped your legs around him to pull him deeper. “Oh my god, Trent…”

“Yeah?” he groaned, fucking into you deeper. “You like that? I feel you squeezing me.”

“I love it,” you moan, dragging your nails down the skin on his back. “I missed your dick. I missed you. So. so. Much.”

He picked up the pace, thrusting into your g spot with every deep stroke. “Such a good girl for me now that I'm giving you what you want, huh? Just for me.” His praise made you moan louder, your body moving in tandem with his to match his rhythm. You whispered teasingly in his ear. “I love when you fuck me like this. You’re so good to me Trent.” He cursed under his breath, thrusting even harder and deeper from your seductive tone. “Keep talking to me, baby. I want to hear you,” he breathes while his hand slipped between your legs to massage your clit. “You’re gonna make me cum again,” you whimper, feeling the tension build inside you. “You fuck me soo good. Am I taking it good for you?”

“Ah, fuck,” he growls, thrusting into you erratically and moving faster on your clit. He didn’t answer your question, but you knew the answer already. “Cum for me baby. I wanna feel that pussy cum all over me.” Your second orgasm was so much more intense than the first. You were clawing his back, leaving love marks as you screamed his name. Trent was barely able to hold back anymore, and groaned into your ear while your pussy quivered around him. “I’m about to cum baby, where do you want it?” You could barely catch your breath, but his words reignited something sinfully wicked inside of you. “Inside me,” you beg in a shaky voice. “Please. I need you to fill me up.”

“Fuck..fuck..fuck” he groaned, burying himself deep inside your pussy. His cock pulsed as the ropes of cum spilled inside you. The warmth from his cum made you moan with satisfaction. Neither of you wanted to move off of each other after that, and it wasn’t like he was going to let you in the first place; The man had been entranced all night, and you were enjoying every second of it. He placed a soft kiss to your lips, “You did take it good for me, by the way. Such a good girl.” You giggled, still in a daze from your high. “I think you need to talk to me like that more often. That’s so sexy.”

After a couple of minutes of cuddling, you ran your hand across his chest. “So...Rêveur,” you said softly, glancing up at him

“Hm? What about it?”

You bit your lip, feeling a little guilty for asking him while he was so riled up earlier. Right now was a much better time to ask since both of your heads were clearer. “Are you actually okay if I release it for the gala? I know I brought it up earlier but…” Trent’s hand slid to your back, tracing the curve of your spine. “Yeah, it’s fine baby. It’s for a good reason, I’m all for it. Plus, I can brag more about how good you make me smell.” You giggled, reaching up to give him a kiss. “Okay..let’s make it happen then.”

A brief silence fell over the room before Trent pulled you closer to him, nuzzling into your neck, like he was trying to butter you up. “So...how’s the assistant search going?” he asked, very carefully testing the waters.

You groaned, running your fingers over his hair. “It’s...going. I have some interviews tomorrow. So that means we can’t stay up all night.” He pretended to be annoyed as he squeezed your waist. “Baby, it’s been weeks though!” You laughed, shifting around to look at him. “You’re acting like you’re starving. We just finished.”

“Maybe I am,” he shot back. “One round is just a warm up.”

“Oh, hush!” you teased, rolling your eyes. “You’ll survive until tomorrow. I can’t be late, seriously this time.” He laughed, remembering the chaos from when both of you overslept after a long night of fun. Trent reached for his phone, setting multiple alarms to make sure you were up on time. “We’ll see how the morning goes..” he smirked, pulling you close. “Goodnight, Y/N.”

“Goodnight” you whispered, snuggling into him. The alarms tomorrow would surely wake you up, or maybe not, depending on how bold Trent was feeling when they went off.

The next morning, you tried to slip out of bed as the alarms blared in the background, but Trent’s hand tightened around you, pulling you into him. “Where you going?” he mumbled sleepily.

“I have to get ready..” you whispered.

“A couple more minutes…” he teased, kissing the back of your neck.

Of course you gave in. One thing led to another and your ‘quickie’ turned into a full blown session, leaving you scrambling to get dressed. Trent’s home looked a little different now. A lot of your things found their place right next to his. Your toothbrush was next to his, your skincare products were neatly placed on his bathroom counter, and your clothes were starting to take up half his closet. Unintentionally, you made his place yours–and he made your place, his. 

“I’m gonna be late!” you laughed, grabbing your bag. Trent stood in the living room, grinning from ear to ear with no regrets. “I woke you up on time though. You’re welcome,” he said, looking amused and very proud of himself. You shot him a playful glare before giving him a kiss goodbye and heading out the door.

Camille was already lounging behind the counter with a smirk on her face when you got to Les Notes d’Amour. “You have a little glow going on today....Trent I’m guessing?? You’re cutting it kinda close babe.”

“Shut up Camille! I’m here now, okay?”

“Barely.” Camille giggled. 

You dropped your bag on the counter, trying to compose yourself. You looked pretty put together, but Camille could read you like a book. “I was multitasking.”

“Right..is that what it’s called now?” she shot back, bursting into laughter. “Anyway, are we ready for this madness? You said there were tons of applications, yeah?” You sighed, settling into a chair as you tried to mentally prepare yourself for the day. “Yeah, but I narrowed it down to four. I just hope they’re not all weird.” Camille grinned, always down for some fun. “There’s always one. Let’s just hope they’re entertaining.”

The first candidate carried themselves like they were about to conduct a TED Talk. He didn't waste any time before launching into an introduction that sounded like a dissertation for a doctorate degree. “Fragrance is an intricate balance of compounds and molecular distillation processes. When properly executed, it can maximize olfactory efficiency over time.”

What the fuck is he going on about? 

Both you and Camille looked at each other, confusion etched on your faces. You nodded, pretending like you understood whatever the hell he was saying. “Sooo, what’s your experience with retail?” you asked, attempting to steer the convo back to something more understandable. “Well, I have a passion for molecular evaporation techniques. Retail is secondary,” the guy continued, unphased. “You see, when certain notes are distilled just right…” You suppressed your laughter throughout the rest of the interview, eventually ending the conversation. As soon as the door closed, Camille scrunched her face up, “What the hell was that??”

Candidate two walked in with crystal necklaces and smelled strongly of patchouli. She took in a deep breath, closing her eyes to feel the energy of the space.

“This place has such an unbalanced aura, but I can fix that.”

Camille eyed her with intrigue. “I’m curious to know how you’re going to do that?”

The candidate pulled out a rose quartz crystal, holding it up to the light. “I’ll align the energy of all the fragrances to my chakras. It’s all about cleansing the vibes in here. Very dark energy in this place.” You looked around confused. What is a chakra? You didn’t know how to respond, so you asked her about her experience in retail.

“My energy speaks for itself” she replied, setting the crystal on the table.

Camille giggled, “Does your energy know how to answer phones and emails?” The candidate gave Camille a sweet smile, not answering the question at all. “It’s all a part of a bigger cosmic picture. You’ll see soon enough.”

Umm, okay girl, anyway...

“Of course I picked all the weird people”, you told Camille as the chakra girl left.

The bell above the door chimed when the next candidate walked in: Ember.

She was beautifully striking with vibrant red hair and a smattering of freckles across her nose and cheeks. She was tall like a Willow tree; she definitely could’ve just stepped off a NYFW runway. She wore a black turtleneck, paired with tailored trousers..very sleek and minimalist. She had a confident smile that immediately drew you in when she gave you a firm handshake. 

Finally, someone professional.

“Thanks for meeting with me,” Ember began with a composed voice. “I’ve seen a lot of your work over the years. Love your use of tuberose in your collections.” You blinked, surprised. Not many people knew about that detail unless they followed your work closely. It was an interesting observation, but she had probably just done her research before the interview to impress you. The interview continued smoothly, Ember talked about her experience handling high-end clients, managing orders, and had a knowledgeable demeanour. But something about how she navigated conversations so easily gave you an odd vibe. It wasn’t enough to question her, but it was strange.

When she left, you glanced at Camille. “What do you think?” Camille shrugged, “She’s good. Knows her stuff.”

The last candidate was Tara. She was the complete opposite of Ember in appearance, but was eye-catching in her own way. She had a bubbly personality, was short, and had curly black hair that framed her face. She wore oversized frames that made her look a bit whimsical, as if she had just come out of a cartoony fairytale. Her outfit was playful, yet chic. She wore patterned trousers with a tucked in blouse, paired with trendy boots. She was full of energy.

“Hiii! So excited to be here!” Tara said enthusiastically, but not too loud. You smiled at her energy, but Camille leaned back in her chair, intrigued by the shift in energy. The moment Tara sat down, she started talking about how much she loved perfume. “I’ve been obsessed with fragrances since I was a kid. My mum used to take me to try samples all the time!” She didn’t have the same polished demeanour as Ember, but her enthusiasm was refreshing and felt genuine. She said she was still in uni, but wanted to gain more experience. Camille glanced over at you, trying to feel out the vibe. “So, how do you balance uni and everything? Must be chaotic.” Tara nodded, “It is but I thrive on chaos.” She pushed her glasses up, grinning playfully. “My love for perfume keeps me sane..and footie.”

You raised an eyebrow, “Footie??”

“Oh yeah! Massive Liverpool fan,” she said casually. “Always in red!”

Oh, if only you knew.

You smiled, relaxing a little. “Same…” Tara quickly moved on to talk about her top perfumes, and how she loved the creativity of fragrance making. You felt like she could fit in well, especially with her easy-going vibe. You were thankful she didn't mention anything about Trent. Camille’s voice broke you out from your thoughts and you realized you spaced out after Tara left. “Footie, huh? Maybe she wants your man,” Camille teased. You shook your head quickly. “Eh, doubt it. She’s just excited about the club, I think. Can’t blame her, they’re great.”

“Well…whoever you hire. You should make them sign an NDA.”

“Huh? For an assistant?? That’s a bit much, no?” you frowned, confused on why she would recommend something like that. It’s not like they were going to be around Trent often.

Camille shrugged, her tone casual as she glanced back at the CVs on the table. “Maybe. But now that you and Trent are more public..it really might not be a bad idea. People talk.” You nodded, but you weren’t fully convinced. “I guess...but I don’t really see the point right now. They probably won’t even be around him.” Camille knew you were stubborn as a mule, and didn’t push it any further. You signed off on the paperwork to hire Ember full-time, and Tara part-time, while Camille continued looking at both their CVs. Her eyes lingered on the part of Tara’s that mentioned she was studying public relations in uni.

“PR, huh?” Camille muttered under her breath, too quiet for you to catch.

When you made it back to Trent's house, you unlocked the door and stepped inside. The interviews drained you more than you expected. You sank into the couch, letting out a long sigh. Trent's aftershave lingered in the air, it was a scent you had grown accustomed to smelling all the time, and it made your heart warm every time. Trent was still at training, so you decided to binge one of the best Love Island seasons while you waited for him.

When Trent got back home, he wandered to the living room to find you sprawled out on the couch half way into a season of Love Island. You looked up at him, grinning. “Hi baby! Come watch, you have to see this recoupling.” He reluctantly sat down, acting like he didn’t care. “I don’t know how you watch this shit.” It didn’t take long for him to get sucked into the drama, though. Callum had just come back from Casa Amor with a new girl. Gemma stayed loyal the whole time and looked like she was either going to cry or kill him. Both??

“Nah! No way he did that to her!” Trent blurted out, forgetting he wasn’t supposed to care. His eyes were glued to the screen as his head lay in your lap. You stifled a laugh, glancing down at him in amusement. “Oh, all of a sudden you care now?”

“I don’t care,” he muttered, eyes still fully on the screen. “She’s gutted though.” You burst out laughing, “Trent, why are you into this more than I am?”

“Shut up…”

Gemma turned away, refusing to look at Callum. Trent’s jaw dropped. “Nah he’s finished. She’s not going to stay, right? You already saw this one???” You shrugged, trying to keep the suspense, “Keep watching and see.” A few minutes passed and the entire villa was in shambles. People were crying, yelling, storming off. It was hilariously chaotic. Trent shook his head, not believing what he was watching. “Shit’s scripted. Why do you watch this?”

“Because it's hilarious,” you replied. “The drama is better when you’re not a part of it.”

“Yeah..but would you couple up with me if we were on the show?” Trent asked playfully. You looked at him, pretending to think about it. “I dunno. You might come back with a girl like Callum.”

“Nah! Never!”

You shrugged, running your hands over his hair. “Sorry, baby.. but I would have to couple up with someone else.” You said it so seriously that Trent almost believed you before you both burst out laughing. 

“I’d choose you every time, Y/N..” he said, sitting up and leaning in closer. “I’m not just saying that either. I mean it. Every. Single. Time.” Your heart was almost beating out of your chest, the teasing from earlier disappearing completely. “You really mean that?”

He nodded, his gaze faltering to your lips before he pulled you in for a tender kiss. “Never been more sure.” Trent’s eyes locked on yours after the kiss, and without any hesitation, he said it. Perfectly clear, like it was the most natural thing in the world.

“I love you.”

So simple and matter-of-fact. It hit you like a ton of bricks.

You blinked, mostly out of shock as the realization washed over you. He did say it. He said it before, too. The night when he fell asleep on the phone. You weren’t imagining things. He was in love with you.

He loves me. Oh my god. This is real. Like we’re in it now. This is serious.

Your thoughts tumbled over themselves. Trying to make sense of the whirlwind the last couple of months had been. Your body honestly didn’t know how to react. Part of you wanted to kiss him, the other part of you wanted to tell him to shut up, another part of you wanted to get up and run away, your conscience wanted to tell him you loved him back. The stakes were even higher now.

“Y/N??” Trent’s voice pulled you out of your head. He noticed how quiet you were. You looked up at him, eyes wide and glassy, unsure of what to say exactly. He didn’t look worried at all, though. He wasn’t second guessing his words. He was just watching you, observing and waiting patiently with reassurance in his expression.

“I..” you started, but your voice faltered. What the hell were you supposed to say? Did you love him or not? 

I don't know if I'm ready for this. But I think I love him too? Ugh, everything's going so fast.

Everything was moving too quickly in your mind and somehow.. still not fast enough. You couldn’t deny the way his words made your heart swell, but you also didn’t feel ready yet. Maybe it was self-sabotage? Or maybe you were just in shock?? You swallowed hard, trying to blink back the tears pooling in your eyes. You weren’t sad, but everything felt extremely overwhelming.

How is he so sure?

Trent didn’t push you, though. He smiled, brushing his thumb over your lips. “You don’t have to say anything Y/N. I just wanted you to know.” You nodded, not trusting yourself to speak. He loved you.

It was terrifying, exhilarating, and intoxicating all at the same time.

Just as you were trying to make sense of everything, a lurking, whispering voice came creeping in from the corners of your mind, like when the moon crosses the sun.

What if fate was never on your side? The sun can't shine forever, right? The tension from thunder and lightning only happens when it's about to rain.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading! i appreciate each and every one of you that take the time to read this. lmk what you think

[exlibrisseverus]

another sleepless night

[exuberantoctopus]

.

[inkteresting-art]

Please ignore this it's almost 1am and I can't sleep and am full of vinegar ...laying in bed stuck with my thoughts and man do they suck, for months all I've been doing it feeling guilty and horrible about myself and hoping to talk to people in hopes of apologizing and making burned ends less burnt.. I'm coming to the realization that it's never going to happen and need to just give up, I wont be getting my chance to speak.. I want to be forgiven, but at the same time, thinking about the pass two years and how angry I actually am about how things were stated and also parts left out, the forgiveness I deeply want really means nothing to me. if anything it's acted as a fuckin poison to my brain to constantly hope and think about it on a daily bases. Stuck thinking about how everyone hates me and not having a way out like a mouse stuck in a burning cage.

I miss drawing the things I liked, all my Fav OC's I now kinda hate due to having to throw them in the corner, forcing myself to redo them all when in the end not really having a good purpose to do so.

I don't know how to bounce back anymore but I have no choice but to try and walk away anyways. I'll find something that will click again and meet new people.

[chromoluminary]

the anxiety medication I’m on is working but I would like it to Work More

[nokingsonlyfooles]

Reefer Madness Lives

This is not such a hot paper, and the peer review process where it was published is not so hot either. Peer review in general is... Let's be charitable and say it's more for money and prestige than scientific rigor. But, just for basic integrity, you need to operate with a double-blind. CMAJ is single-blind, so their reviewers know if they're up against anyone famous or well-connected who might bring them a lot of attention. And their primary criteria is "importance and novelty." Less delicately, if it looks like it will get a lot of clicks and cites, they'll be pleased to publish it. This is not all that out-of-the-ordinary for science journals, and that's kinda bad.

But a paper saying that pot is gonna poison your children and give people schizophrenia will get a shitton of clicks and cites. It's the number one trending story on CBC right now! And there are live comments!

I need CBD and THC to deal with my PTSD and sleep problems. It's possible that, after being under-treated for decades, I will eventually deal with my underlying health issues enough to sleep unassisted, but I ain't there yet. And ya know what makes it really hard to make it to go to doctor's appointments and get care? Not being able to sleep!

I had a medical marijuana card before, and I could probably qualify for one again if I had to. But A) Do you really want me taking up a doctor's time for this when there aren't enough doctors for everyone right now? and B) Legalized recreational use keeps availability convenient, variety and quality-control reasonable, and prices low. If you are going to inflict capitalism on me, don't kneecap what little benefit a free market is able to provide.

Now, we don't want to get people high without their consent, and children cannot consent to getting high (although some of them do need cannabis products for medical reasons), so for fuck's sake store your shit carefully if you've got kids. But "cannabis poisoning" as they put it, means, "I feel awful and maybe I threw up but I won't die, even if I'm super paranoid and feel like I might." Most people who wind up in the hospital are adults screwing around with edibles who don't know what to expect, and all they need is a nice, patient friend who'll tell them they're fine. This "poison" doesn't kill people. Unlike, say, antifreeze, or children's Tylenol. (Although, I hear Willie Nelson's friend had a bale of pot fall on him one time, so it's not as safe as they say!)

And the schizophrenia thing... People with mental health issues self-select for these studies by choosing to self-medicate. You might also say cannabis use has a strong correlation with PTSD flashbacks - because people with PTSD know it helps and they freaking well try it, and sometimes they still have flashbacks. A psychedelic is not the best choice for schizophrenia, god no, but if you're having associated depression and sleep issues and you haven't been diagnosed yet, you might give it a try. Better mental healthcare and better, earlier diagnoses and treatment will address this issue more effectively than yet another moral panic.

But a certain portion of the population is really invested in "drugs are bad" and "drug users are addicts and addicts are bad" narrative. Like, literally invested. It keeps them in political power and gets money for studies like this and "public health" campaigns that are really thinly-veiled, outdated DARE propaganda.

Even this study, which specifically excluded medical marijuana use, found social benefits to not criminalizing drug use and drug users. No shit. People don't get addicted to something because addiction is fun; they have severe, unaddressed problems and they're doing whatever they can to cope with them, whether that's staying stoned all the time or blowing their retirement fund on Funko Pops. And most people who use drugs don't get addicted. (Also most people who buy Funko Pops, one assumes.) Removing them from society and giving them all criminal records doesn't help anyone.

Harm reduction should be the goal here, as in most things. You will never get it perfect, but you need to take steps towards improving the general situation as much as possible. Sending the War on Drugs (really, the War on Your Own Population) into extra innings after decades of failure is... Ha-ha, well, it's self-destructive addict behaviour, y'all. Maybe you could use some social services to help you deal with your problems in a better way.

[mando-abs]

Less than 24 hours in recovery and I’m having a huge newfound love for women who’ve had c-sections. Y’all are angel warriors. Like I can’t even imagine doing anything much less even thinking about tending to a child three days from now. Just know I am with y’all in spirit right now and giving you a kiss on the lips.

I don’t care when you’ve had the baby. I’m kissing you right now.

[byanyan]

when it's almost 5am and u get woken up by ur dog climbing into bed with u looking anxious so your dumb, unmedicated ass gets anxious too :/

[running-in-the-dark]

my (virtual) meeting with my thesis advisor is in... 7 hours. I'm sort of almost finished writing the exposé that I was supposed to write. sort of. I'll probably need another hour or two until I feel okay enough about it to actually get any sleep.

unfortunately my left arm is realllly starting to hurt and I can't lift it much anymore (thanks to the covid booster I got today). hopefully I'll get it done anyway. and hopefully the pain won't be so bad that I can't sleep.

[xxlelaxx]

i probably got postnatal anxiety... aint that something...

[noxtivagus]

Final. Fantasy.

[scabbardsystem]

when are you going to get it together.

PREFERABLY NEVER.

everything is only going to get worse as the days go by. you know this. you know this.

even obligation is scared like. jesusssssss...

it's just a phone call. it's just a phone call.

and it's still too much.

[grimandghoulish]

.

[aquaslove]

…