#anti cole stone

[angely-cristal]

I'm so glad Demi is not Jenny 2.0 👏

[masked-alien-lesbian]

Reagan Thorne, Sam Dalton, Callie/Cole Stone...why are all the billionaires able to fly a helicopter??? Is that just a requirement when they turn 18 or something? Gotta go get my helicopter license, and then maybe, idk, feeling cute, might cheat on my wife some

[zhoras-bitch]

Reading the newest non-VIP chapter of TBB, I'm astounded at how Daphne is so much more of a well-fleshed out character compared to Cole and thus so much of a better match for MC because there's actually substance to their relationship besides inexplicable horny energy in the air. Wouldn't it be so cute for Daphne and MC to have some sort of artsy career together with photography and painting? Now I'm just mourning wasted potential, LMAO.

Honestly, I agree 100%. I do like Daphne a lot, which is very predictable of me, but anyway.

To be fair though, saying she's more complex and developed than Cole/Callie is setting the bar too low. They are such a nothing character. It’s been 8 chapters, which is over a third of an average Choices book, and all we know about them is that they are hot, rich and... kind of nice, I guess? It’s honestly shocking how bland they are.

Maybe diamond scenes give more insight into her personality. I kind of doubt they add much, seeing how most of them seem to lean into the horny, but maybe. In the diamond-free playthrough though, I’d argue they are genuinely maybe the worst single LIs in the Choices library in terms of character development.

As for Daphne, the spa scene with her and MC was cute as heck. I want them to talk about picture composition together. I understand why they didn't do it, but not having a Daphne route or a poly route in this book is a shame, they would actually add something unique and original to the story. Well, there will always be Infamous.

[zhoras-bitch]

In a twists that shocks no one, I, a Sofia Russo stan, also like the wife in TBB. Honestly though, you're so right about Cole/Callie and TBB overall being... surprisingly boring? Like TNA at least had the ridiculous soap opera appeal. TBB is just giving nothing so far, like, there isn't even anything to hate on besides how obviously m!coded Cole/Callie is. (I mean, a tech billionaire with a man cave who names their sports cars and likes video games and can't talk to their wife? Wow. Riveting stuff.)

I wish TBB let you romance Daphne she’s far more interesting than Cole

[thousandfireworks]

Authors whose books you have to avoid because they are problematic.

Abigail Hing Wen.

Alex Aster.

Alice Hoffman.

Alice Oseman.

Alison Win Scotch. ‘Terrorism is never acceptable. Not in Israel.’

Allie Sarah.

Amber Kelly.

Amy Harmon.

Annabelle Monaghan.

Anna Akana.

Aurora Parker.

Benjamin Alire Sáenz.

Brandon Sanderson. Islamophobic.

Carissa Broadbent. Said that hamas is doing violence against innocence.

Chloe Walsh. Siding with Israel in the name of humanity.

Christina Lauren. Believe that Israel is the victim. A racist, also Islamophobic.

Colleen Hoover.

Cora Reilly. Travel to Israel despite criticism.

Danielle Bernstein. Islamophobic.

Danielle Lori.

Deke Moulton. Said hamas is terrorist.

Dian Purnomo.

Eliza Chan.

Elle Kennedy.

Elyssa Friedland.

Emily Henry.

Emily Mclntire.

Emily St. J. Mandel. Admiring Israel.

Gabrielle Zevin. Wrote a book about anti-Palestine. Mentioned Israel multiple times without context on his book.

Gregory Carlos. Israeli author. A zionist.

Hannah Whitten.

Hazel Hayes. Reposted a post about October 7th.

Heidi Shertok.

Jamie McGuire.

Jay Shetty. ‘Violence is happening in Israel.’

Jean Meltzer.

Jeffery Archer. Wrote a book with a mc Israel operative (mossad) in a positive and anti terrorist light.

Jennifer Hartman. Liked a post about pro-Israel.

Jen Calonita.

Jessa Hastings.

Jill Santopolo. Said that Israel has right to exist and fight back.

John Green.

Jojo Moyes.

J. Elle.

J. K. Rowling. Support genocide. Racist. Islamophobic.

Kate Canterbery.

Kate Stewart.

Katherine Howe.

Katherine Locke.

Kristin Hannah. Support Israel. Shared a donation link.

Laini Taylor.

Laura Thalassa. Islamophobic.

Lauren Wise. Cussed that Palestinian supporters would be raped in front of children.

Lea Geller. Thanked people who supports Israel.

Leigh Dragoon. Islamaphobic and anti Asian racist rants on Twitter and threads

Leigh Stein.

Lilian Harris. A racist. Blocking people who educates about colonialism in Palestine and call them disgusting.

Lisa Barr. A daughter of Holocaust survivor. Support Israel.

Lisa Kennedy Montgomery.

Lisa Steinke.

Liz Fenton.

Lynn Painter. Afraid of getting cancelled as a pro-Palestine and posted a template afterwards.

L. J. Shen. Her husband joins idf (Israel army).

Mariana Zapata.

Marie Lu.

Marissa Meyer.

Melissa de la Cruz.

Michelle Cohen Corasanti.

Michelle Hodkin. Spread false rumors about arab-hamas. Islamophobic.

Mitch Albom. ‘We shouldn't blame Israel for surviving attacks or defending against them.’

Monica Murphy. Siding with Israel.

Naomi Klein.

Navah Wolfe.

Neil Gaiman. Suggested Palestinians unite with Israel and become citizens.

Nicholas Sparks.

Nic Stone. Talked nonsense that children in Palestinian refugee camp are training to be martyrs for Allah because they felt it was their call in life.

Nyla K.

Olivia Wildenstein. Blocking people who disagree with Israel wrongdoing.

Pamela Becker.

Penelope Douglas.

Pierce Brown.

Rachel Lynn Solomon.

Rebecca G. Martinez.

Rebecca Yarros. ‘I despise violence’ her opinion about what's happening in Gaza. Blocking people who calls her a zionist.

Rena Rossner.

Renee Ahdieh.

Rick Riordan.

Rina Kent.

Rivka (noctem.novelle).

Rochelle Weinstein.

Romina Garber. ‘These terrorist attacks do nothing to improve the lives of Palestinians people.’

Roshani Chokshi. Encourage people to donate to Israel.

Samantha Greene Woodruff.

Sarah J. Mass. Her book contained ideology of zionism.

Stephanie Garber. Promoting books by zionist author (Sarah J. Mass)

Skye Warren.

Sonali Dev.

Talia Carner.

Tarryn Fisher. Said ‘there was terrorist attack in Israel.’

Taylor Jenkins Reid. Posted a video about genocide.

Tere Liye. Rumoured to have ghoswriters to write his books and never give credit to them.

Tillie Cole.

Tracy Deon.

Trinity Traveler (Ade Perucha Hutagaol). Rumour to wrote book about handsome Israelis.

T. J. Klune.

Uri Kurlianchik.

Veronica Roth.

Victoria Aveyard. ‘Israel has the right to exist.’ quote from her about the issue.

V. E. Schwab. Shared a donation link and video about Israel.

Yuval Noah. ‘Israel has the right to do anything to defend themselves.’

Zibby Owens.

[queerwritersingerdramaqueen]

HEAR ME OUT

I like a reverse AU as much as the next person but the way it gets done sometimes is so out of character so I'm gonna just throw my two cents out into the void for anyone to draw inspiration from because I don't have the motivation to write it myself right now!

So, starting with the ones that get reversed a lot: Hank and Connor

Connor is obviously younger than Hank, so make him a newly assigned lieutenant who is trying to live up to his position of power. Being Connor, he's unsure, he questions himself a bit, he's scared of messing up as someone with power over others. Portraying him with Hank's personality just doesn't fit if you ask me, Connor's not that guy.

Now, due to Connor being a great but still new Lieutenant, who better for Fowler (or maybe Amanda if you want to get deep in a reverse AU) to partner him with than an Android that's basically perfect. which is not to say he should be optimistic and cheery as he is in some depictions. He can still be a stone-cold bitch or a sarcastic prick but less in the vein of "I hate everyone around me" and more in the "You're a bitch, you don't deserve my kindness" sort of way. AND HE CAN HAVE THIS ATTITUDE WITH HANK TO BEGIN WITH BUT I HONESTLY THINK HE'D BE MORE INTIGUED BY ANDROIDS AS MYSTERYS THEN GENUINELY HATE THEM, YOU CAN PRY THAT IDEA FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS.

I'd also like to make a point that, whether Cole is a character in the story (as a brother or a kid from a case) who is present to make Connor sad, HE *CLAP* CAN *CLAP* STILL *CLAP* REACT *CLAP* LIKE *CLAP* CONNOR. He doesn't have to become Hank's mirror image after Cole's death, he can grieve in his own way. And even if you do chose to make him take the same route, he doesn't have to act like Hank when he's sober! (this is coming from a place of frustration that Connor just... wouldn't be cold towards everyone for no reason and it annoys me that he is in some fics)

Hank as an Android would be gruff and straight to the point because he is a "machine." He's designed to be no-nonsense, straight to the point and probably annoyed by Connor's persistent Empathy (similar to how Connor can be during some playthrough's of the game). The absolute key to this portrayal would be emphasising that Hank acts like this because he is programmed to. Cyberlife has to have a reason for making Hank the way he would be so please, jump on the nuance of why Hank would be such a sullen, apathetic android and the implications that has for him to achieve deviancy. He's not meant to be nice to the people he works for, he's meant to do a job.

Now for the icing, how does this reverse dynamic work in context of the plot?

Connor needs someone steady and secure to fall back on lest he succumb to the pressures of the position he's in. Hank's blunt, maybe sometimes rude way of getting to the point is exactly what Connor would need to stay afloat. He needs someone who can be tough and give it to him straight when he's doubting himself. In regards to their cases, yes, he has a very "Hank" way of responding to the android actions (i.e. shooting Chloe, Hunting down the Traci's) in that he takes an empathetic approach towards the Andorids but less from a "they look human and it's disturbing" standpoint and more from a "deviants are alive" standpoint from the get go. He shows empathy towards the Traci that was killed in the Eden club, he tries to understand why deviancy is occurring, he defends Hank against anti-android people.

(And please feel free to fight me on that point, I've seen one playthrough and have a general idea of Hank's reactions to deviancy based on fanfic and whatnot. I'm not an expert on how Hank reacts and I want input)

And here's my favourite part, Hank deviating with Connor's help. It is Connor's humanity and empathy that really intrigues me on this part. When people portray him with Hank's characteristics, he comes off really angry and Hank deviates from a position of "I care about this kid, I have to look after him." And while this is *chef's kiss* it's not the only possible way for Connor to influence his deviancy. His general kindness to people around him, his resilience, his empathy, his humanity can influence how Hank starts seeing the world around him. (I guess that it just really bugs me that Hank only seems to really deviate for Connor when there are so many more facets that can make Hank the purveyor of his own deviance, with Connor giving him the nudge)

Just like in canon where Android Connor helps Human Hank find purpose in his life again, Human Connor can help Android Hank realise he is more than a machine, that he's alive.

In conclusion, stop making Connor into Hank! (I obviously can't stop you but food for thought.)

I'll come back at some point with other characters.

[pscottm]

Former Anti-Abortion Leader Arrested on Child Sex Abuse Charges – Rolling Stone

[twoidiotwriters1]

The Curse of Oenone (Leo Valdez xFem!Oc)

A/N: My nephew helped me queue this one (he is a literal baby) -Danny Words: 2,379 Series' Masterlist Previous Chapter // Next Chapter Listen to: 'Goldrush' -by Stela Cole

X: Are You Serious? Right in Front of My Salad?

I wake up with a start. My mouth is dry as if I've been running for hours. I just had the weirdest dream about Janus in a forest and now my mind is racing, so I get up. I leave Annabeth in Geryon's old bedroom and make my way downstairs. 

Nico is seated on a tall chair in the kitchen aisle, he doesn't look up as I walk past him, but as I'm filling a glass with water, he speaks to me. "How's Lily?" He asks hoarsely. "And Michael?"

I want to ignore him, but his voice is so broken my heart can't bear it. We spoke to his sister's ghost today, and Bianca told him to stop trying to bring her back.

"You know, now that you're all grumpy, you and Lily would get along even better."

"I don't want friends," he cuts me off, voice quivering. "Just wanted my sister."

"Nico," I leave my glass on the counter and cross my arms. "I grew up in an orphanage—"

"What's that got to do with—"

"Shut up and listen," I scowl. "I didn't know how it felt to have a real family until recently, and sometimes Percy annoys me on purpose, but no one cares for me the way he and my mom do. If Bianca, your only sister, was asking you to trust us, you should've listened."

"Like how you listened to Percy when he asked you to stay put?"

I tense. "That's different. Geryon would've killed him if I hadn't—"

He interrupts me bitterly. "Percy's not your real brother, and you'll never know what a real family is. You get in everyone's way trying to be a hero."

I try not to pout, but I'm not succeeding. "That's mean."

If Nico is ashamed, I don't sense it. "It's the truth."

"You don't talk to your friends like that," I say, voice quivering. "Bianca—"

Nico gets up and exits the room hastily, speaking through gritted teeth. "We are not friends."

"...Gaea told me that she needed the blood of only two demigods—one female, one male. She—she asked me to choose which boy would die." Piper explains during the meeting.

"But neither of us died," Jason replies. "You saved us."

"I know. It's just... Why would she want that?"

"Guys, remember at the Wolf House? Our favorite ice princess, Khione?" Leo mentions. "She talked about spilling Jason's blood, how it would taint the place for generations. Maybe demigod blood has some kind of power." 

"Oh..." Percy leans back in his chair looking nauseous. "Oh, bad... Bad. Bad." He turns to Hazel and Frank. "You guys remember Polybotes?"

"The giant who invaded Camp Jupiter," Hazel replies. "The anti-Poseidon you whacked in the head with a Terminus statue. Yes, I think I remember."

"I had a dream, when we were flying to Alaska. Polybotes was talking to the gorgons, and he said—he said he wanted me taken prisoner, not killed. He said: 'I want that one chained at my feet, so I can kill him when the time is ripe. His blood shall water the stones of Mount Olympus and wake Earth Mother!'"

"Jolly way of dying..." Ara mutters.

Piper makes a face. "You think the giants would use our blood... the blood of two of us—"

"I don't know," Percy replies. "But until we figure it out, I suggest we all try to avoid getting captured."

"That I agree with," Jason sighs.

"But how do we figure it out? The Mark of Athena, the twins, Ella's prophecy... how does it all fit together?" Hazel questions.

Annabeth leans on the table. "Piper, you told Leo to set our course for Atlanta." 

"Right. Bacchus told us we should seek out... what was his name?"

"Phorcys," Percy responds.

"You know him?" Annabeth looks at him with surprise.

"I didn't recognize the name at first. Then Bacchus mentioned salt water, and it rang a bell. Phorcys is an old sea god from before my dad's time. Never met him, but supposedly he's a son of Gaea. I still don't understand what a sea god would be doing in Atlanta."

"What's a wine god doing in Kansas? Gods are weird," Leo points out with a shrug. "Anyway, we should reach Atlanta by noon tomorrow, unless something else goes wrong."

"Don't even say that," Annabeth shivers. "It's getting late. We should all get some sleep."

"Wait," Piper intervenes. "There's one last thing. The eidolons—the possessing spirits. They're still here, in this room." 

There is nothing but silence for a few seconds before Hazel sighs. "Piper is right."

"How can you be sure?" Annabeth questions.

"I've met eidolons. In the Underworld, when I was... you know."

"So..." Frank looks around anxiously. "You think these things are lurking on the ship, or—"

"Possibly lurking inside some of us," Piper replies. "We don't know."

"Okay," Ara fixes her posture tensely. "Do you have a plan to get rid of them?"

"Yes," Piper looks at her. "I think we can fix this."

Ironic, how the skills that have proven to be handy so far are the ones she had as an Aphrodite and not the ones she worked hard for. "Okay," Ara nods with confidence. "What do we do?"

"We talk, and everyone else has to listen," her sister explains. "Your voice is stronger than mine, so it'd be better if you call out to them first, and force them to stay put."

"You're a better negotiator, though," Ara reminds her, "so you'll do the talking after I've got them in place."

"Deal."

"Girls, what are you—"

Ara hushes Jason and lifts a finger. "Be quiet, I have to focus." She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. The girl's skin glows pink, and the dark brown has been replaced with iridescent tints when she opens her eyes. "Eidolons, where are you?"

A ripple of warm air crosses the table. Leo, Jason, and Percy sit up stiffly, their gazes are the same golden color. "Here," they speak all at once.

Frank jumps out of his seat and presses his back against a wall. Hazel covers her mouth in horror.

"You are not allowed to leave your seats," Ara tells them.

"We won't move," they reply.

 Annabeth looks at the two daughters of Aphrodite with worry. "Oh, gods—Can you cure them?"

Piper raises her hand to ease her, and when she does, her palm trembles a little. Ara holds it as soon as she notices.

"Are there more of you on this ship?" Piper asks.

"No," Leo responds. "The Earth Mother sent three. The strongest, the best. We will live again."

"Not here, you won't," Piper's eyes blaze with anger. "All three of you, listen carefully. You will leave those bodies—"

"No."

"We must live."

"Then find another way," Ara glares at the Eidolon possessing Leo.

Leo's face twists into a smirk. "You are a spoiled child of Olympus. We do not answer to you."

"Mars Almighty, that's creepy!" Frank draws out his bow. "Get out of here, spirits! Leave our friends alone!"

Leo looks at him. "You cannot command us either, child of war. Your own life is fragile. Your soul could burn at any moment."

Frank manages to aim an arrow at Leo. "I—I've faced down worse things than you. If you want a fight—"

"Frank, don't," Hazel gets up, then turns to the others. "Listen to Piper."

"Daughter of Pluto, you may control gems and metals. You do not control the dead," Percy snarls.

"Listen, eidolons," Hazel spits out, "you do not belong here. I may not command you, but Piper and Ara do. Obey them."

Piper looks at Ara, the girl squeezes her palm and absorbs the fear her sister is feeling so she can speak. Piper takes a deep breath and tries again. "You will leave those bodies."

Jason grimaced. "We—we will leave these bodies."

"You will vow on the River Styx never to return to this ship, and never to possess any member of this crew."

Leo and Percy groan in protest, but their eyes are slowly changing colors.

"You will promise on the River Styx," Piper repeats, squeezing Ara's hand.

Ara shakes off the shivers she's getting from sponging Piper's anxiety, but she doesn't let go of her. "Promise!" The girl stomps her foot impatiently, and another ripple of hot air pushes out of her place on the table.

"We promise on the River Styx," the boys spit out in different levels of distress. 

"You are dead," Piper continues in a steady voice. 

"We are dead." 

"Now, leave."

The boys fall: Percy against the table, Jason over his chair, and Leo onto the floor. "Ow!"

"Leo!" Ara lets go of Piper and circles the table, she finds Leo sprawled next to his toppled chair.

"Are you all right?" Hazel asks the boys.

"Did it work?" Leo speaks groggily.

"It worked," Piper announces. "I don't think they'll be back."

"Does that mean I can stop getting head injuries now?" Jason groans.

Piper laughs. "Come on, Lightning Boy. Let's get you some fresh air. And Ara..." she tilts her body to see her over the table's surface. "Thank you."

Ara helps Leo to get back on his feet, she dusts off her jeans and looks at Piper. "You saved my brother and my boyfriend, I should be thanking you."

"What was that thing you did?" Hazel questions in shock. "You glowed pink!"

"Aphrodite's blessing," Ara replies. "I can use those from time to time, but not often and not one after the other, it tires me out too quickly."

"You have more than one blessing?" Frank asks in shock.

"She's got four," Leo replies hoarsely, rubbing the side of his face. "Gods, doll, you could've asked my ghost to land on his butt..."

Ara grins. "We should call it a day. Y'all go to sleep, I'll take the night shift."

Everyone starts to leave, but Percy stays behind to talk to Ara and Leo. "So..." He makes a face. "That sucked. I'm sorry for... you know..."

"It's alright, man," Leo shrugs. "I would've reacted the same way if some weirdo claimed to be my sister's sweetheart and then proceeded to bomb my house."

"A real fancy way to put it, Leo," Ara scowls.

"My point is—now we can start over, right?" Leo reaches out to take Percy's hand.

Percy shakes his hand with no hesitation. "Definitely." He glances at Ara. "I know Ara can take care of herself, but... just try to be careful."

Ara feels weird about the way he says it. Her mind goes to Hazel and Frank, and how they called Leo 'Sammy' the first time they spoke to him. She thinks Percy knows something about that.

Leo is checking the ship's status before ending the day. It could be done by just one of them, but he insisted and Ara refused to let go of him now that he's eidolon-free.

"Not that I'm complaining," he walks from one place to another with Ara hugging him from behind like a little kid. "But it wasn't that serious, doll. Getting possessed is kinda like the flu."

"It's not funny," Ara mumbles, squeezing his waist. "Last night he could've taken over while you were kissing me—"

"Yikes," Leo cringes. "Let's not go there."

"But it could've happened!"

"Nah," he taps the morse code for 'I love you' on the back of her hand. Leo does it without noticing, or at least that's what Ara thinks, she's never asked because she fears it'll make Leo self-conscious and then he'll stop doing it. "My Eidolon was scared of you—all bark and no bite. The reason why they felt brave enough to attack you in New Rome, was because you were caught off guard."

"Love your blind faith, but—"

Leo turns and wraps his arms around her. "No buts! You're strong, smart, and hot when you use your blessings."

Ara gets flustered and tries to step back. "Okay, I got it—"

The boy kisses her without warning. He hadn't kissed her like this in... well, probably never. When he ends it, Ara is speechless and light-headed, her soul-light glows as bright as gold. Sometimes he does things that make her doubt he's not a fidget of her imagination, the way he can make her forget everything that bothers her and all she can do is stay focused on him in just a matter of seconds.

"Talking about last night... you mentioned Hazel," he says quietly, paying close attention to how she reacts. "We're gonna talk about that, or..?"

Ara leans her forehead on his. "Do we have to?"

Leo frowns. "Yeah, think so. That girl and her boyfriend freak me out! I don't know what I did to them..."

"Percy knows, but I don't think he wants to tell me," she sighs. "You should ask them face to face."

Leo snorts. "And say what? 'Hey, are you two planning my murder?'—bet that would lighten the mood around here."

Ara rolls her eyes. "Obviously not like that! I'm sure there's a way to address this without making it awkward..." She holds his arms. "Do you think Hazel..."

Leo stares at her, and he doesn't know how, 'cause this has never come naturally to him, but he guesses what Ara's trying to ask him. "You think she likes me?" He squints. "I mean, I am more good-looking than Frank, but—"

"Leónidas!" She hisses under her breath. "I'm serious!"

"Me too!" Leo exclaims. "Okay fine, grown-up talk," his grip on her gets a little tighter. "I don't know. It's like she's scared of me or something... I'll try to talk to her if you want me to."

Ara's uncomfortable for a wide variety of reasons. Mostly jealousy, but she's having negative thoughts about a girl that she's supposed to look after, and to top it all she's Nico's half-sister. She tries hard not to antagonize Nico too much, but she's always finding ways to do so.

"I hate feeling this way." She makes a face. "When we got the celestial bronze, you guys had like... a moment. I'm still thinking about it."

"A moment?"

Ara blushes, knowing how ridiculous she's about to sound. Her eyes avoid his when she talks, they're no longer golden, but they still have power over her. "You locked eyes for a second. It looked intense."

Leo presses his lips together, stopping himself from laughing. "Hm."

"This is stupid, I don't know why I'm even—"

The girl turns to leave, but Leo pulls her close again, grinning from ear to ear. His soul-light brightens. "Arae Jackson, are you jealous?"

"No!" She exclaims indignantly. "Being jealous would mean I don't trust you and I do! I don't care if you talk to girls, I'm just—worried."

"Worried," Leo repeats tauntingly. "Sure. Whatever you say, sunshine."

Ara slips out of his grasp and hurries away. "I'm telling Frank you said he's ugly."

"Hey! I didn't—Ara—STOP!"

Next chapter →

Taglist.

@siriuslysirius1107 @ask-giggles1303 @asnyox-the-hoarder @im-planning-something-look @bandshirts-andbooks @coolninjapaper @thewaterlily @whenisthefall @1randomcomic @you-bloody-shank @sunflowergraves @owlalex44 @taylordaughter @typicalsolangelolover @writingmia @espressopatronum454 @slytherinnqueen @orbitingpolaris @obxstiles @ellipsisspelled @thepixiechicks

[duckapus]

The Syndicate: MRU Edition

I said the Nicktoons games are canon to the MRU version of Fairly Oddparents and I meant it. And, given that Timmy now has powerful new allies and an entirely new type of multiverse lies before them, Crocker proposes to the rest of the Syndicate that they recruit some villains from these new worlds, as well as bring some villains from their own universes and the Nickverse into the fold.

The O.G.s

Professor Finbarr Calamitous

Vlad Masters/Plasmius

Denzel Q. Crocker

Sheldon Plankton

Karen Plankton

Beautiful Gorgeous

Tlaloc the Shaman

Nicolai Technus

Dib Membrane

Nicktoons Villains

Jimmy Neutron

King Goobot (+ Yolkians in general)

The Junkman

Eustace Strych

Grandma Taters

Baby Eddy Neutron

Dorkus Aurelius (I know he's from Planet Sheen it's in the same universe leave me alone)

Fairly Oddparents

Dark Laser

Foop (+Anti-Cosmo and Anti-Wanda when they find out)

Vicky (sort of)

The Nega Chin

Danny Phantom (note: all of these are on a scheme-by-scheme Basis, as Vlad and Technus are not on good enough terms with other ghosts to do long-term team-ups)

Skulker the Hunter

Ember McLain

Johny 13, Kitty, & Shadow

Warden Walker

Desiree

Penelope Spectra & Bertrand

Fright Knight

Spongebob Squarepants

Probably a few of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy's many, many archenemies.

Other Nick Shows

Queen Vexus (+Cluster Loyalists) (My Life as a Teenage Robot)

Kilgore (MLaaTR)

...there should probably be some El Tigre villains on here but honestly I don't know enough about the show to know who would work with these guys

Doctor Blowhole (Penguins of Madagascar)

Hypno-Potamus & Warren Stone (Rise of the TMNT)

Skrawl (ChalkZone)

Verminious Snaptrap (+D.O.O.M.) (T.U.F.F. Puppy)

Swiper (Dora the Explorer) (This is a meme-fueled multiverse he totally counts)

Tak and Zim don't get any new villains because Tak doesn't have any other villains worth a damn and all of Zim's enemies are either also Dib's enemies or have never met him but probably would be his enemies if they did.

MRU Multiverse

Master Kohga The local version, not the one that's currently Director K.

Ganon The version from the 80's cartoon, since he's both Not Currently Dead and has the right personality to work with these weirdos.

Vaati

Chancellor Cole That one leprechaun-looking dude from Spirit Tracks.

Tingle We don't know why he's here. He shouldn't be here. We don't want him here. Here he is anyway.

Lady Maud From Triforce Heroes.

Professor Incisor The mad scientist who created the Hamtors in an attempt to make his own personal army to take over the world with. Instead, Doc led an uprising, and the two are now rivals in World Domination.

Queen Lokoko Of course she'd be here.

...Janitor of Heart doesn't have any reoccurring villains yet apart from The Stain, and that's really more of a corruptive mystical force than an actual sentient being. The Syndicate could probably acquire a sample and study it to see if they can harness its power but that's about it.

[omegawhiskers]

Why I started watching WWE again

The earliest memory I have of professional wrestling is The Undertaker/Yokozuna feud. This fond memory was the catalyst to moulding my enjoyment to this form of entertainment.

Years later I began watching WWE/WWF on a full-time basis because it was aired weekend mornings. The Stone Cole Steve Austin/Vince McMahon feud hooked me. As a child, it was an awesome to see an authority type figure getting their ass kicked. Both McMahon and Austin produced classics moments in wrestling history. I bought PPV’s on VHS such as St Valentine’s Day Massacre. I must of watched that tape a couple of times a day over the next few weeks.

WWE became a part of my life. I made it my business to watch Raw and Smackdown every week; I even watched Velocity and Sunday Night Heat. I couldn't get enough! I tried to get my hands on stuff from independents and in 2004 I did some pro wrestling training. But if WWE was such an important part of my life then why did I stop watching it?

2017 wasn’t the worst year in WWE. The Chris Jericho and Kevin Owens feud was fantastic, The Hardyz returned, Kurt Angle was inducted into the Hall of Fame, The Shield reunited, and Samoa Joe made his debut. Despite all of this, a babyface Roman Reigns just couldn’t get over and Jinder Mahal was WWE Champion. I’m not even going to go into the House of Horrors match, but it was something. But it’s OK to have bad moments. They can teach you to never repeat those mistakes again…or can they?

2018 was worse. Some moments left a bad taste in my mouth such as Dean Ambrose turning heel on his fellow Shield member, Seth Rollins. This was the same night that Roman announced that he had leukemia. What the fuck was Vince thinking? The storyline was uglier than a dog’s dinner. Dean would leave the company less than a year later. WWE also went into a controversial deal with Saudi Arabia. The Saudi PPV saw Shane McMahon win WWE World Cup tournament becoming the ‘’Best in the World’’.  This is the same PPV where Shawn Michaels came out of retirement for an awful tag team bout. The worst part to 2018 was on December 17, when Vince McMahon came to the ring followed by Stephanie McMahon, HHH and Shane. Stephanie would go on to say ‘’We haven’t been doing a good for you lately.’’ She would rattle on about not listening to us, the fans. We were told that we were now the authority. This was such a surreal moment.

Months prior we got the first All In PPV that would eventually lead to the formation of All Elite Wrestling. The All In card was stacked and displayed some incredible matches that left me wanting more. I started to binge watch BTE on YouTube as well as a history The Bullet Club. I began to attend Irish wrestling shows from Over The Top Wrestling. The first shows I went to featured Will Ospreay, Gunther and Pac. Seeing new talent and the interesting ways they told stories was refreshing. Witnessing smaller promotions putting on better shows compared to a billion-dollar company creating mediocre content was shocking to me.

Appointing us - the fans - as the authority figure was a great rib by WWE as they continued to sling crap in our faces as 2019 saw The Undertaker battling Goldberg in another Saudi show that resulted embarrassing bout. You can visibly see the disappointed on Taker's face post-match. Kurt Angle would have his retirement match against Baron Corbin. Angle is on my mount Rushmore, so for his career to lead to anti-climax was a disgrace. Seth Rollins was on a babyface run and I was enjoying it, until the infamous Hell in the Cell match with The Fiend. This match should have been a decent bout, but the arena was casted in ugly red light and the finish came in form a DQ. During a live reaction broadcast WWE were putting out at the time, X-Pac said ‘’You may not ask me back for one of these but how do you get DQ’d in a Hell in a fricking Cell match.’’ I often ask myself this. Things would get worse when Kofi Kingston was squashed in seven seconds against Brock Lesner. Kofi’s six-month title reign came to an abrupt and miserable end and so did my love for WWE. At this point I felt cheated and insulted. How can I continue to watch a product that simply didn't care?

At the tail end of 2019, AEW was launched. The new promotion featured new faces, different styles of wrestling and an opportunity for talent to thrive. I gravitated towards this. I periodically watched WWE clips, but it was clear Vince was out of touch. Talent were also fired during the pandemic. It was as if Vince didn't care anymore. Remembers Erik Rowen’s spider? On top of all this, Vince's scandal was aired across the internet. During this insane time, Vinny had the balls to appear on Smackdown just to wave his ego around.

So, what's changed?

I watched night 1 of WrestleMania and I was impressed. The highlight was Rhea Ripley vs. Charlotte Flair. I liked what I saw with the Bloodline storyline. It was great to see Cody Rhodes, and a heel Dominik Mysterio intrigued me. I kept up with things and noticed consistent story telling. With Vince gone, it felt like everything was moving in a cohesive way. Yes, Vince gave us years of entertainment, but he also held on for too long and it was clear it was causing damage.

I decided to tune back into WWE full time and write about my viewing experience. If you’ve read my past posts, then you know that I still have issues with WWE, but I’ve never seen a promotion do anything perfect. I think WWE do a much better job with their women’s division and keeping storylines simple and clear, but they lack on match quality with many silly finishes. They play things safe, but that's okay. For now I'm enjoying the ride. And that's good enough.

[lazyvase]

PvWeek Finale (3/11/23)

Who's afraid of the big bad wolf?

Due to recent retcons, the world of Overwatch now has a main villain: Anubis. The one and (now) only "God Program".

Cause and Effect

This rogue AI is singlehandedly responsible for the backstory of every single hero due to it causing the Omnic Crisis, AKA the single most important event in the Overwatch timeline.

Without Anubis:

Gabriel Reyes, Jack Morrison, Ana Amari, Torbjorn Lindholm, and Reinhardt Wilhem would have never joined Overwatch, for without the Omnic Crisis, Overwatch would have never been needed to form.

Echo would have never been made.

Lena Oxton would have never been a test pilot for Overwatch's Slipstream project, and subsequently gain teleportation powers.

Cole Cassidy would have never joined Overwatch. He would have remained the right-hand man to Elizabeth Ashe.

Genji Shimada would have died after the fight with his brother, Hanzo, for neither Overwatch nor Dr. Angela Ziegler would have been around to save him.

Dr. Angela Ziegler's parents would also still be alive. Perhaps without their deaths, Ziegler may have not been pushed as hard to put all of herself into nanobiology and the medical field.

Dr. Moira O'Deorain would have never been hired by Blackwatch nor subsequently by Talon.

Olivia Colomar would have never had to work for the Los Muertos Gang as she would not have been orphaned by the Omnic Crisis.

Jean-Baptiste Augustin would have never joined Talon as he would have not been orphaned by the Omnic Crisis.

Amelie Lacroix would have never been brainwashed by Talon as her husband would not be the leader on Overwatch's Anti-Talon Task Force.

Akande Ogundimu would have never become Doomfist as he would not have lost his arm in the Omnic Crisis. He would have remained a competitive martial artist.

Aleksandra Zaryanova would still be a national athlete if there was no Omnic Crisis to fight in.

Hana Song would continue to be a Starcraft champion if the Gwishin weren't still around.

Lucio Correia dos Santos would have not become a star if the Vishkar Corporation had not taken over his town.

Without the Omnic Crisis, Vishkar would not have grown as big through their reconstruction contracts. As such, they may have ignored a young and poor Satya Vaswani.

Zenyatta would have never become a part of the Shambali.

Ramattra and Bastion would have never been built.

Orisa would not have been able to be built by Efi, for the OR models would have not been developed enough without the models Anubis made.

Vivian Chase would have never joined Overwatch.

Fareeha Amari would have not been able to look up to Overwatch and be inspired to be a hero by them. She would also not be able to work for Helix Security International as the organization was made to replace Overwatch. Her relationship with her mother may be slightly better off however.

Dr. Mei-Ling Zhou would have never lost 9 years of her life and 5 of her colleagues if Overwatch did not employ them.

Winston would have never joined Overwatch once he returned to earth.

Hammond would have never become Wrecking Ball as there would not be a mech-fighting arena in Australia.

Without the Omnic Crisis, the Australian Liberation Front would have never formed. As such, the Australian Omnium would have not been blown up, meaning there would be no wasteland. No wasteland means no Junkertown. Odessa Stone would have been able to grow up with her father, mother, and siblings.

Mako Rutledge would have lived a life of peace.

Jamison Fawkes would have a nice and quiet childhood with his mother.

Brigitte Lindholm would have never been inspired to be a hero by Reinhardt Wilhelm. She also would not be named Brigitte.

Anubis is also responsible for the anti-omnic sentiments present in the current world of Overwatch, for the Omnic Crisis caused these sentiments. Thus, Anubis is responsible for Null Sector for two reasons.

Anubis is the reason why many corporations are doing well, because after the crisis many companies took advantage of the economic downturn and reconstruction processes. (Vishkar, Volskaya, LuMerico)

Also, I lied. Two heroes origins do not depend on Anubis.

Dr. Siebren de Kuiper's experiment still would have left his mind shattered.

Kiriko Kamori would still have to deal with the Hasimoto Clan after the fall of the Shimada Clan.

Regardless, it is undeniable that Anubis has had an immense impact on the world of Overwatch.

Who is Anubis?

Recently, a question has plagued me: what is Anubis like? What is its personality? What is its opinions and beliefs?

Now, many would say that Anubis is a soulless machine that shows no emotion or sentient thought. That Anubis's only goal or drive or personality trait is to kill all humans.

I disappointedly agree.

All evidence points to Anubis having no personality or true motivations. A truly soulless machine. Which I guess could be used as a parallel to other omnic characters (especially Ramattra). But, man, imagine if Anubis had motivations and beliefs.

Would Anubis see Ramattra as a traitor? See Bastion as a broken tool? See Echo as a mockery? See Zenyatta as useless? Would Anubis hold a grudge against the 76, Reaper, Ana, Reinhardt, and Torbjorn for its imprisonment? Would Anubis have an immense hatred for Pharah over her duty of keeping it locked up?

Perhaps those questions are best saved for another time. Especially since I'm afraid of how the Overwatch writing team will handle Anubis with a personality.

The Future

The big question is: what’s next for Anubis. It’s still a potential threat as it remains locked up. Furthermore, both Talon and Anubis itself are trying to free it. It’s only a matter of time before the biggest threat in the Overwatch universe is free.

I’d imagine if Anubis ever got free, the easy thing to do for the developers is have it take over Null Sector so they don’t have to design new enemy models. And in all fairness it just makes sense. Free army based on your designs.

The Future of PvWeek

As you should all know by now, I'm discontinuing PvWeek. This series has been an interesting and educational experience. I've learned to not do this. I often found myself stressing to make sure the PvWeek released on time. I was also forced to release some lackluster and unresearched PvWeeks. I much prefer to take as much time as I need/want on Overwatch lore posting. So that's what I'll do.

However, PvWeek will return. As said in the first PvWeek, I started this series in order to generate hype for the upcoming PvE. I've recently realized that it's going to be a while before the PvE is anywhere close to being released. So I'd be stuck doing this series for a long time. Which would very quickly lead to burnout. Something I want to steer clear from. I'll probably start PvWeek back up a few weeks before the release of the actual PvE. So stay tuned.

Thank you to all who read and interacted with PvWeek. Stay safe. And good luck on your weekly challenges.

See you around.

[angely-cristal]

I'm sorry. I'm still upset about this 🙄

Me:

PB:

[eva-knits12]

CE Characters Favorite Disney Movies, Part II

Pete Brenner

Peter Pan. Released on February 3, 1953. Growing up, Pete always loved Peter Pan.

Pete's Dragon. Released on November 3, 1977. This movie was one of the first movies that combined animation sequences with live action sequences. This makes sense that Pete would love a movie that has his name in it. Pete always felt that this movie was made just for him.

Mary Poppins. Released on August 27, 1964. It's one of the few movies where the movie is more well known than the book it's based on. P.L. Travers wrote the book, and had to be persuaded by Walt Disney to sell the film rights. The 2013 Disney movie Saving Mr. Banks is about this. Now, Mary Poppins is a much beloved Disney film, much like the Wizard of Oz. Dick Van Dyke, who plays Burt the Chimney Sweep, was also starring in his own sitcom, The Dick Van Dyke Show.

Pete very much loves Mary Poppins. This is his favorite comfort movie, he even watches it when he's sick. (Mine's A Christmas Story.) Now, Zoe and her sister, Mary, love it, and even sing along and dance to the songs.

Tangled. Released on November 23, 2010. This is Zoe's favorite movie. Rapunzel is Zoe's favorite story, so it makes sense that Zoe loves Tangled. When Zoe wants to watch Tangled, she'll always say "Wapunzel!" She introduced this to Mary, and Mary says "Punzel!" when Mary is old enough to talk. Zoe and Mary will watch Tangled while eating their healthy snacks that are toddler and kid friendly.

Cole Turner

The Sword in the Stone. Released on December 25, 1963. It also stars Alan Napier as the voice of Sir Pellnore. Alan Napier was also shooting the 1960's series Batman, which aired Saturday mornings on ABC. ABC is Disney owned. Cole can't understand why he's drawn to this, but he is. It's always been his favorite Disney movie, and yet he can't understand why.

The Rescuers. Released on June 22, 1977. Bob Newhart was starring in the Bob Newhart Show. I even have a Little Golden Book of this movie.

This is another one of Cole's favorite movies that he never understood why he was drawn to, but now he knows.

The Rescuers Down Under. Released on November 16, 1990. I saw this in the theatre when I was 11. The late, great John Candy does the voice of Wilber. John Candy was a Canadian comedian, who was an alum of SCTV, with Eugene Levy and Catherine O' Hara.

Cole loves the sequel because he got to be your hero. He not only changed your flat tire, you got bitten by a poisonous snake when you were on a field trip on his farm with your students. He not only used his shirt as a tourniquet to stop the venom from spreading, he picked you up, carried you bridal style to his truck, and got you to the hospital quickly. Luckily, one of the dads on the trip happened to be a paramedic, and knew exactly what to do, and knew that an ambulance couldn't wait. He refused to leave your side. Cole took care of you even well after you were given the anti-venom. Cole treated you to a date night after that.

Lucas and Dawn love The Rescuers

Ari Levinson

Aladdin. Released on November 25, 1992. This is one of my favorite Robin Williams movies.

Aladdin reminds Ari of the time he once ran a resort. He now runs an import business, and some of the imports take him back to that place. He was also a geography teacher, and he would always talk about the time he once ran a resort when the kids studied and learned about the Red Sea, and the countries that surround it.

Robin Hood. Released on November 8, 1973. Ari, Zachary and Elijah love this one. The boys can't understand how a fox is Robin Hood, but they love it. The boys are currently into animals, so they love movies that have anything to do with animals. Robin Hood is also their favorite story.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl. Released on June 28, 2003. Ari loves this because Pirates of the Caribbean is his favorite Disney ride, and with him running his import business and the resort he ran, this hits a soft spot with him.

Th Fox and the Hound. Released on July 10, 1981. This is another favorite with the Zachary and Elijah. Ari loves this one, too. It isn't strange for your three favorite guys to watch this movie, with a huge bowl of popcorn between the three of them, lemonades, and all of them curled up under a blanket, watching this movie. The boys even like to watch when they're sick.

Lady and the Tramp. Released on June 22, 1955. This is Lillian's favorite. It's also a favorite of the boys. You put this on when Lillian would be teething, and she'd somehow forget about her teething pains. Zachary and Elijah and Lillian all watch this on movie night.

Sleeping Beauty. Released on January 29, 1959. Ari has a soft spot for this one. This is his sister Andrea loved this one, and would often dress up as Aurora on Halloween. Lillian loves this one, too. It's another movie that you put on that helps her through teething pains. Ari and the boys get Lillian an Aurora stuffed doll for her first birthday.

Zootopia. Released on March 4, 2016. Zachary, Elijah, Lillian, Ari and you love this one. The kids love animals, and they'll always pick out this one on family movie night. It's gender neutral enough where the boys enjoy it, and Lillian enjoys it.

Frank Adler

Cars. Released on June 9, 2006. Frank is a mechanic, so this movie makes sense for him. He loves it.

Moana. Released on November 23, 2016. Mary loves this one. She's not sure why, though. Frank loves this one, too. He works with boats, and loves being near the water.

Cinderella. Released on March 4, 1950. Mary loves this because she's treated less than. She just wants to feel beautiful even if it's just for one day.

[zhoras-bitch]

Also, do not get me started on how much the LI pissed me off for never doing anything about it. Yes, in real life it can often be hard to tell that a person is a victim of abuse and even harder to help them, but in the story it is not subtle at all. Even MC, a total stranger, seems to quickly figure out how much Estelle controls Daphne and how miserable Daphne is about it. And yet the LI, who is Daphne's spouse, who's known her for years, who lives in the same house as her doesn’t even bat an eye. Probably because they are too busy fucking their side piece. Worst Choices LI award.

The Billionaire's Baby fascinates me. They wrote the whole Daphne and Estelle situation, which any sane person should be able to recognize for what it is: an extremely emotionally abusive relationship, in which Estelle controls literally every aspect of her daughter's life, including her job, her marriage, her relationships, her social media, her diet. Daphne wants to be a photographer, but she works as a model, because her mother wants her to. She stays in an unloving marriage, because her mother wants her to. She gets a baby she's not ready for, because her mother wants her to. For all we know, this has been going on since Daphne was a baby. So they wrote all of that down, right? And then they just. Barely acknowledged it. Best we got was MC thinking/saying Estelle is annoying and kind of a bitch. Neither the characters nor the narrative treat the situation with nearly the level of gravity it actually warrants. It's like there's a huge three headed goat demon in the living room, and all the tenants ever do about it is vaguely acknowledge its existence once in a while before going on about their day as if nothing has happened. Fucking bonkers.

[steamedtangerine]

Okay....so Tumblr got walloped by a spree of empty accounts pestering any active blog with shallow follows here for over two and half months. I mentioned to someone who brought this up, that these accounts are low-effort trolling, and that in my past experience, they usually act as ground cover distraction for something far more convincing (and worse) on the way.

-so, yeah, while we were swatting at gnats, Tumblr was bombarded by a lot (A LOT) of accounts shilling like crazy for the fake-ass QAnon conspiracy fiction film "Sound of Freedom" in that time. These recent accounts were good at appearing anime ("i aM An arTIsT!") or safely "gay" or appearing like Christian mom's who get gooey over Caviezel (the worst are these incredibly fake "Catholic" accounts who have never heard of Dorothy Day and think showing a generic pic of an icon will convince others-along with the word "Catholic" in their URL-that they are the real deal). The accounts were trying really hard to "appear Tumblr", and the fact there were so many of them makes this "the big hill they wanted to die on" for this year (so far). Chances are these accounts (many with goofy pop culture reference names) are ones you wouldn't even go near following, but they very likely lurked near any popular post you had lately to beef up their cred here.

One account aptly pointed out that they sound like cultists parroting the same things "everyone must see this film!", "this film really opened my eyes" (to what? trafficking? something human rights groups have been yelling about since the 70s and 80s?), and "God's children are not for sale!"....many went as far as to get conspiratorial saying that the movie itself was a victim of a plot to undersell it, to show it in poorly air conditioned theaters, or that outlets aptly critiquing the film, like Rolling Stone, are part of the "evil Soros (((elite)))" (actual dog-whistles in use) trying to suppress the film. If the film were suppressed, it simply would've not been released. You have guys like Musk, Trump, and that antisemite, Mel Gibson supporting it.

-by far the worst and most combative spew to come from these accounts is the false dilemma of "anyone who dislikes this film is a Pedo"-oh, like we haven't heard this ugly, slanderous drivel from scores of trolls on every platform over, basically anything, in the last eight years. This ranks with "If you criticize the state of Israel's actions in Palestine, you must be antisemitic." Oddly enough, the persons involved in the film are antisemitic, far-right POSs.

Now....

If anyone had a lingering thought that this movie was typically RW deflection and projection away from all the pedophilia found within circles of RW A-holes (There have been eight guys who worked under Trump called out as pedos....this is not including Trump's heavy ties to Epstein, or associations Trump has had with pedos like Roy Moore or Matt Gaetz....just recently, an anti-abortionist named Cole Wagner was arrested for child sex abuse, and a Patriot Front member in Utah arrested with child porn)....well, guess what, the above producer of the film, Hutchinson, was filmed in 2016 feeling up the breasts of a trafficked underage girl...y'know, to stay "in that deep cover". Recently, Tim Ballard was discovered using women to "pose as wives" (y'know, that "deep cover thang") in his self-indulgent crusade, and it involved him insisting the women must shower and sleep with him. A financier for the film, Fabian Marta, was found to be a child-kidnapper, and though it is not proven, there have been wild rumors that the far-right nut Caviezel was watching child porn "for research on the subject matter".

So, yeah, the call is coming from inside the building, and anything these dead-in-the-water accounts say by praising this film is complete BS (thanks for the extensive blocklist, Tumblr).

It's bad enough you had accounts here pushing the Wayfair conspiracy crap over two years go or some that actually shilled this phony "outrage" over oil-heiress-funded fake clean-cut "climate activists" causing disruptions at events (unmasked) and "vandalizing" art work at museums that chose to no longer allow support from BP, but to come on here and stir up a repackaged QAnon like a re-heated dogturd and use that as Carte Blanche to label critics with the worst things you could possibly label someone just to protect the name of a truly rotten political party that has been going down in flames for years now is unforgivable.

This fictional film does absolutely nothing to stop the real danger of human trafficking and child pedophila. It bolsters this "white Christian man" is gonna fight the "menace across the border", rather than look at what is going on in churches and cults and scout groups and locker rooms and Olympic gymnast training committees and with the family members, friends, and coaches we think we know. It has proven again and gain, such films engender misguided Satanic Panic style hysteria and hamper the efforts of real groups trying to fight this menace for decades.

-and again, I'm sorry for the clumsy comments I left elsewhere about who was involved with what and how, but the four (at least three) I mentioned involved in the film above are now getting exposed as the hypocrites that they are.

[pcwpolwrestling]

12/21-PCW Extreme Political TV

Last Week on PCW Extreme Political TV: -Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (Progressive Alliance) and Marjorie Taylor-Greene (American Patriots) get into it backstage and then… -MATCH #1: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (Progressive Alliance) vs. Marjorie Taylor-Greene (American Patriots)- no contest when Lauren Boebert (American Patriots) and Jasmine Crockett (Progressive Alliance) interfere. -Atom Splitter 3000 commercial -DOGE Commercial -PCW Champion Charlie Blackwell (American Heartland Coalition) promo. -Paul Finebaum grouses about Alabama being left out of the college football playoffs. Main Street USA confronts him and stand up for the smaller colleges leading to a match being made for the next show. -Neal Conn (American Patriots)- making foreign policy as paramount responsibility of government, seeing the need for the U.S. acting as the world’s sole superpower as indispensable to establishing and maintaining global order… cuts a promo. -MoneyMaker 3000 commercial -Last Call Funeral Parlor commercial -‘Mr. Hollywood’ Kevin Daniels (Progressive Alliance) cuts a promo. -MAIN EVENT-PCW TITLE: Charlie Blackwell (American Heartland) © defeated Neal Conn (American Patriots) and ‘Mr. Hollywood’ Kevin Daniels (Progressive Alliance)

Political Championship Wrestling 2024 Christmas Show Peru State Field House Peru, Nebraska Saturday December 21st, 2024

Announcers: ‘The Voice of PCW’ Johnny Suave AGE: 50 / HT: 5’ 11” WT: 195 HOME: Philadelphia, PA HAIR: Brown / STYLE: Like Ronnie Dunn / FACE: Goatee DRESS: Brown suit without tie

Colleen Crowder ‘Low-Level New York Times Reporter Trying to Make a Name for Herself’ AGE: 38 / HT: 5’ 5” WT: 142 HOME: New York City, NY HAIR: Black / STYLE: Curly / FACE: Narrow face with rounded jaw, turned-up nose, faint freckles, and thin lips. Bulging blue eyes, thin eyebrows. DRESS: Black pants suit

PCW Champion: Charlie Blackwell (American Heartland) Since 2/10/2024 Contenders: ‘Mr. Hollywood’ Kevin Daniels (Progressive Alliance) Neal Conn (American Patriots) Mike the Mechanic (Main Street USA)

PCW Women’s Champion: Catherine Cline (Independent) Since 9/21/2024 Contenders: Kathryn Randall Collins (Progressive Alliance) Laura Brobert (American Patriots) ‘American Girl’ Sarah Mae Smith (Main Street USA)

PCW Tag Team Champions: Starz N. Stripes and ‘The One-Man Anti-Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism- Since 3/3/2024 (American Patriots) Contenders: The Deplorables: Ray McAvay/’Prairie Populist’ William Daniels Bryan (American Heartland Coalition) The Green World Order: GreenPete/’Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee (Progressive Alliance) The Sports Entertainment Corporation: Gator Bates/The Alabama Kid Bi-Partisan Dream Team: Blue Dog D/RINO Main Street USA: Ken Worth-American Trucker/Farmer John Deer Wall Street World: Kirk Walstreit/P.M.C. Banks

The Peru State Field House thrums with anticipation, a sea of red-capped heads and camouflage jackets packed into the rickety bleachers. The air is thick with the smell of popcorn and partisan fervor.

Johnny Suave’s voice booms through the arena.

Johnny Suave: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Extreme Political TV!

He pauses, savoring the thunderous applause.

Johnny Suave: I’m ‘The Voice of PCW’ Johnny Suave, and boy, do we have a show for you tonight!

Suave’s co-host shifts uncomfortably in her seat, her black hair catching the glare of the spotlight. He turns to her with a smirk.

Johnny Suave: And joining me tonight is the ‘Low-Level New York Times Reporter Trying to Make a Name for Herself,’ Colleen Crowder!

Colleen forces a tight smile, her green eyes narrowing behind her glasses.

Colleen Crowder: Here we go again. Another night of pandering to the lowest common denominator.

Johnny Suave: Before we get started, I’d like to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas!

Colleen visibly cringes.

Colleen Crowder: Johnny…

Her voice projects with a forced politeness.

Colleen Crowder: …perhaps we should consider using more inclusive language. Not everyone celebrates Christmas, you know.

Suave rolls his eyes dramatically, eliciting cheers from the crowd.

Johnny Suave: Oh, for crying out loud, Colleen. It’s Christmas! Lighten up!

Colleen Crowder: It’s not about lightening up.  It’s about respecting diversity and-

Johnny Suave: And putting everyone to sleep.  Now, let’s get to tonight’s lineup!

As Suave rattles off the evening’s matches, Colleen seethes silently.

Johnny Suave: First up, we’ve got the Green World Order! ‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee and GreenPete are here to lecture us all on the evils of meat and fossil fuels!

Colleen Crowder: At least someone’s thinking about the planet.

Suave ignores her.

Johnny Suave: And in the other corner, we’ve got the Vice Squad! Al Cahall and Nic Koteen are here to promote politically incorrect personal choices!

Colleen Crowder (sarcastically): You mean they’re promoting freedom of choice.

Johnny Suave: Exactly! Then, we’ve got the big showdown between The SEC Squad with Paul Fineman and Main Street USA!

Colleen Crowder: Because nothing says ‘democracy’ like pitting Wall Street against small businesses in a wrestling match.

Johnny Suave: Nothing says ‘democracy’ like Congress ignoring the will of the people and presenting a pork-ladened spending bill right after a change election.

Colleen Crowder (sarcastically): Don’t worry. Incoming PCW CEO Elon Musk saved the day.

Johnny Suave: Oooh. Is that the new spin legacy media is throwing out now?  Sounds like they didn’t learn anything after ABC had to cough up fifteen million dollars to Donald Trump.

Colleen Crowder: …

Johnny Suave: And in our main event, the annual Nakatomi Plaza Death Match!

Colleen Crowder: Ah yes, nothing says ‘Christmas spirit’ like a death match named after an action movie.

Johnny Suave: It’s called entertainment, Colleen. Maybe if you lightened up a little, you’d actually enjoy yourself for once.

Colleen Crowder: I know how to enjoy-

“WE’RE CHANGING EVERYTHING!”

Green World Order Valet: Peta from PETA HT: 5’ 8” WT: 123 / HOME: Los Angeles, CA GreenPete HT: 5′ 11″ WT: 195 / HOME: Los Angeles, CA / FIN: Harpoon (modified spear or gore) ‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee HT: 6′ 3″ WT: 192 / HOME: New York City, NY / FIN: The Juicer PeaceNick– HT: 5′ 10″ WT: 180 / HOME: Bremerton, WA / FIN: Chloroform

The crowd boos as the Green World Order come to the ring.

Colleen Crowder: This is something I will enjoy.

Johnny Suave: Oh, great. I have this strange feeling of déjà vu – like my Christmas spirit is about to get sucked right out of me.

Johnny isn’t far off.  PeaceNick gets on the mic.

PeaceNick (screeching): WE’RE CHANGING EVERYTHING!

More boos.

PeaceNick: I am here to complain about the Christmas decorations because it’s insensitive to non-Christians.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Peta from PETA: How about those ax-wielding murderers deforesting our land and cutting down ‘poor, innocent pine trees’ to be used as Christmas trees.  How would you like it if someone came around, chopped your feet off with an axe, drug you home, and put ornaments and lights all over you?

Random Guy in the Audience: I’m game!

Peta from PETA: Okay.  That’s just sick.  I demand the Christmas décor be removed.

And that brings out Colleen Crowder’s most favorite person…

Johnny Suave: And here we go… PCW owner Dawn McGill!

Colleen Crowder: Swell.

Dawn walks out in a festive way sporting a sexy Santa outfit complete with a mistletoe necklace and green and red fishnet stockings. The crowd bows down and chants: “We’re not worthy!”

Dawn McGill: Hey GWO.  If you don’t like the decorations, there’s the door and don’t let it hit your ass when you leave.

She receives a standing ovation from the crowd. This infuriates Peta.

Peta from PETA: You need to take down all the Christmas decorations… or else.

Dawn McGill: I’m sorry, are you threatening me?

Brock Cole Lee: The Christmas decorations are offensive to people who are not Christians and I demand you remove the offensive display immediately.

Dawn McGill: No.

Peta from PETA: Then you’ve left the GWO with no other recourse.

She jumps Dawn and wraps a garland around her neck.

Colleen Crowder: It’s an early Christmas present!

Johnny Suave: The GWO have attacked Dawn McGIll!

The crowd unloads on the GWO until help comes out.

Johnny Suave: WAIT A MINUTE!  IS THAT?

Colleen Crowder: Aw… not these guys.

It’s the return of the Vice Squad- promoting Politically Incorrect Personal Choices since 2005– who charge the ring looking for a fight.

The Vice Squad Al Cahall HT: 5′ 11″ WT: 212 / HOME: Memphis, TN Nic Koteen HT: 5′ 11″ WT: 175 / HOME: Tampa, FL Dave Hibachi HT: 6′ 3″ WT: 265 / HOME: Oak Ridge, IN MGR: General DeBauchery

Johnny Suave: HERE WE GO!  THERE’S A REFEREE IN THE RING AND WE HAVE A MATCH!

MATCH #1: THE VICE SQUAD: Nic Koteen, Al Cahall and Dave Hibachi vs. THE GREEN WORLD ORDER: GreenPete and Brock Cole Lee and PeaceNick Nic Koteen throws a toy box full of weapons into the ring.

Johnny Suave: Al Cahall and GreenPete will start. Peta continues to choke out Dawn with the garland.

Hibachi and Lee brawl on the outside and Koteen opens the toy box. In the ring…

Johnny Suave: GreenPete takes control with an elbow drop and a dropkick. Cahall hits a reverse DDT on GreenPete.

Koteen grabs some lights out of the toy box and wraps a strand around Brock Cole Lee’s neck which allows Cahall to deliver a couple of swift kicks to the Extreme Vegan.

Johnny Suave: Hibachi double clotheslines PeaceNick and GreenPete.

Colleen Crowder: Boo!  Come on GWO!

The crowd pops when Hibachi empties out the toy box and dumps the box over PeaceNick’s head.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

GreenPete picks up a chair and tries to crush it over Hibachi’s head but Hibachi grabs him by the throat and chokeslams him through the bellkeeper’s table.

Colleen Crowder: Ugh.

Koteen puts the remnants of the toy box over Brock Cole Lee’s head and DDT’s him.

Johnny Suave: DDT by Koteen and now he wraps his fist full of Christmas lights.

Colleen Crowder: Oh no…

Johnny Suave: Koteen to the top rope… HE DIVES ON TOP OF LEE!

Koteen crushes the glass lights in Lee’s forehead.

Colleen Crowder: There is NO need for that!

Johnny Suave: WAIT! HERE COMES GREENPETE!

GreenPete slingshots himself out of the ring and lands on Koteen. GreenPete tries to free Brock Cole Lee. Cahall climbs the top turnbuckle and leaps down on GreenPete – Lee goes at Koteen.

Johnny Suave: IT’S ALL CHAOS NOW!

Dawn escapes and punches Peta from PETA.

Johnny Suave: McGill gets away from Peta and…

She puts Peta over her knee and begins to spank her.

Johnny Suave: …and that’s long overdue!

Peta: THAT’S CORPORAL PUNISHMENT! YOU CAN’T DO THAT! IT’S ILLEGAL!

Johnny Suave: Brock Cole Lee staggers back into the ring. Koteen and Cahall attack GreenPete, but PeaceNick picks up a steel-folding chair… wait, what is he doing?

*WHACK*

*WHACK*

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!  PeaceNick takes both of them out in a violent…

Colleen Crowder: …but in the most non-violent way possible.

PeaceNick does condemn himself afterward.

Johnny Suave: Lee covers Cahall.  One. Two. NO! DAVE HIBACHI MAKES THE SAVE! NOW HIBACHI’S CHOKING LEE FROM BEHIND!

Colleen Crowder: How is that legal?

Lee staggers backward and falls into the corner turnbuckle- squashing Hibachi in the process.

Colleen Crowder: At least something good came of it.

Johnny Suave: Now, PeaceNick moves to cover Cahall himself.  One… two… Koteen makes the save.

*WHACK*

Johnny Suave: GreenPete waffles Koteen with a steel chair.  But WAIT!

*WHAP*

Cahall missile dropkicks the chair into GreenPete’s face.

Colleen Crowder: How is that legal?

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Everyone is down in the ring

Johnny Suave: Who will get up first.

Peta from PETA hops in the ring and kicks Cahall in the balls.

Colleen Crowder: That’s it, Peta!

Johnny Suave It probably won’t be Al Cahall.

Nic Koteen rises from the deck and flies across the ring to knock her out of the ring.  Peta hits the steel barricade hard.

Peta from PETA: Ow…

Colleen Crowder: That was not called for.

Johnny Suave: GreenPete then gets up and grabs an arm wrench on Koteen.  GreenPete takes Koteen to the corner, reversal and…

*SLAP*

Johnny Suave: …OOH, chops by Koteen.

Koteen steps back and cuts down GreenPete.

Johnny Suave: Clothesline by Koteen… now a leg drop by Koteen. Kick to the gut to Koteen followed by punches. Brock Cole Lee starts to pull himself up.

Colleen Crowder: Come on Brock!  Get up!

Johnny Suave: GreenPete catapults Koteen towards Lee but Hibachi jumps on Lee’s back and chokes him.

Lee spins around wildly.

Johnny Suave: Cahall pulls GreenPete and slings him through the ropes out of the ring.  Hibachi holds on for dear life as Lee desperately tries to get him off his back.

Colleen Crowder: Get him off Brock Cole Lee.  That’s a choke!

Johnny Suave: GreenPete climbs back in and gets caught in a drop-toe hold by Cahall. Koteen then hits a cross body.

Brock Cole Lee now down to his knees.

Johnny Suave: Lee’s fading fast.

Lee topples face-first to the canvas.

Colleen Crowder: NOOOO!

Johnny Suave: The referee’s checking.

The referee lifts Lee’s arm up and it flops back to the ground.

Crowd: One.

The ref lifts Lee’s up again. It goes back down.

Crowd: Two!

Johnny Suave: GreenPete tries to get to Hibachi but Cahall holds on for dear life.

The referee lifts Lee’s arm again. It plummets back down. The referee calls for the bell.

Johnny Suave: That’s it!

Ring announcer Kimber Marshall climbs into the ring to render the final decision.

Kimber Marshall: Your winner at seven minutes and forty-one seconds… THE VICE SQUAD!

Koteen, Cahall, Hibachi, and General DeBauchery celebrate.  Christmas music plays.  Everyone toasts each other and guzzles down some Christmas egg-nog.

Johnny Suave’s voice booms through the arena as the crowd goes wild.

Johnny Suave: We’ll be right back after these messages from our sponsors!

***

The Dave Ramsey Show Announcer Guy: Next time on the Dave Ramsey Show…

The familiar jingle of the Dave Ramsey show fills the air. There they are: Chuck Schumer and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, looking as out of place as vegans at a barbecue competition.

Dave Ramsey’s voice cuts through the awkward silence.

Dave Ramsey: Alright, folks, today we have two very special guests who need some serious financial advice. Chuck, AOC, let’s start with the basics. What’s your monthly budget look like?

Schumer clears his throat.

Chuck Schumer: Well, Dave, as a senator, I believe in investing in America’s future. We can’t put a price tag on progress.

Ramsey’s eyebrows shoot up.

Dave Ramsey: So… you don’t have a budget?

Chuck Schumer: No. We’ve been spending tax dollars via continuing resolutions.

When Congress and the president fail to agree on and pass one or more of the regular appropriations bills, a continuing resolution can be passed instead. A continuing resolution continues the pre-existing appropriations at the same levels as the previous fiscal year (or with minor modifications) for a set amount of time. Continuing resolutions typically provide funding at a rate or formula based on the previous year’s funding.

Dave Ramsey: Or you’re just kicking the can down the road for someone else to deal with.

AOC jumps in, her voice passionate.

AOC: Budgets are just a tool of the capitalist patriarchy to keep the working class down. We need to think bigger!”

Ramsey, visibly flustered, tries again.

Dave Ramsey: Okay, let’s try something simpler. If you have $100 and you spend $150, what happens?

Schumer and AOC exchange confused glances. Schumer attempts an answer.

Chuck Schumer: We… stimulate the economy?

AOC nods vigorously.

AOC: Exactly! It’s all about circulation of wealth!

Ramsey puts his head in his hands.

Dave Ramsey: No, no, no! You go into debt! You can’t spend money you don’t have! That’s why the national debt is now approaching thirty-five trillion dollars.  Spending trillions of dollars more than you take in is a bad idea.

Both Schumer and AOC look at him with blank expressions.

Dave Ramsey: Wow.

***

A DOGE Commercial The screen fades to black, then a rugged American landscape appears.

Booming Announcer Guy: In a world of bloated bureaucracy…

Elon Musk’s face fills the frame, wind tousling his hair as he stands atop a rocky outcrop.

Elon Musk: America needs a leaner, meaner government machine.

Cut to Vivek Ramaswamy, striding purposefully across the Washington Mall.

Vivek Ramaswamy: That’s why we’ve created DOGE – the Department of Government Efficiency.

A montage flashes by: stacks of papers being shredded, computers shutting down, “CLOSED” signs appearing on agency doors.

Musk, now behind the wheel of a cybertruck, grins.

Elon Musk: We’re trimming the fat and cutting the red tape.

Ramaswamy, seated beside him, adds…

Vivek Ramaswamy: And we’re doing it faster than you can say ‘balanced budget.’

The truck careens through D.C., leaving bewildered bureaucrats in its wake. Musk thinks, This is even more fun than Twitter.

Vivek Ramaswamy: With DOGE, we’re not just making government smaller. We’re making it work for you.

The cybertruck screeches to a halt before the Capitol. Both men leap out, striding towards the building with purpose.

Musk turns to the camera.

Elon Musk: Because in Trump’s America, efficiency isn’t just a buzzword.

Vivek Ramaswamy: It’s a way of life.

As they reach the steps, Musk can’t help but smirk. Who knew government work could be this entertaining?

The screen fades to black, revealing the DOGE logo – a Shiba Inu wearing a red “Make America Great Again” hat.

***

Back from commercial…

Colleen Crowder Interviews The Guild of Low-Level Journalists Trying to Make a Name for Themselves The crowd’s roar fades as Colleen Crowder adjusts her glasses, a glint of ambition in her green eyes. She leans forward, microphone in hand, addressing her fellow journalists who’ve joined her at the broadcast table.

Colleen Crowder: Welcome, esteemed colleagues of the legacy media. Let’s cut to the chase. Who’s really pulling the strings in PCW these days?”

Sharon Johns from CNN jumps in, her ponytail swinging as she speaks.

Sharon Johns: It’s clear as day, Colleen. Elon Musk is the puppet master, and Trump’s just dancing to his tune.

Hallie Reed from MSNBC chimes in.

Hallie Reed: Absolutely. Our sources indicate Musk’s tweets are basically executive orders at this point.

Doug Miles of the Washington Post also adds.

Doug Miles: And let’s not forget, Musk’s takeover of Twitter gives him unprecedented control over the flow of information.  I concur with my esteemed colleagues. Musk’s influence is a clear and present danger to democracy.

But then…

Man’s Voice: Hold on there…

Johnny Suave: Wait! That’s Scott Jennings… CNN’s conservative pundit!

Scott Jennings: A real CNN pundit.  (to the Guild) Who’s the CEO of PCW right now?  It’s Joe Biden right?

Colleen’s eyes narrow.

Colleen Crowder: Scott, you’re missing the point-

But Jennings presses on.

Scott Jennings: Yes… it is Joe Biden, who we rarely hear from, of whom The Wall Street Journal reported has been diminished for the last four years, and we’ve had unelected people running things, apparently.

The Guild all exchange anxious glances with each other.

Scott Jennings: If that is what they’re worried about, if they’re worried about people who aren’t Donald Trump, you know, running things or having influence, I wonder where they’ve been the last four years.

Suave finally joins in.

Johnny Suave: And correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t the Progressive Alliance just fine with billionaires Soros, Gates, Buffett, and Zuckerberg throwing their weight around? What makes Musk different?

The Guild members exchange nervous glances, their carefully constructed narrative teetering.

Colleen Crowder: That’s not the-

Johnny Suave: Hold on!  We need to cut away to a special edition of ‘How Dare You?’

Colleen and the rest of the Guild become indignant.

Colleen Crowder: WHAT?  You’re cutting us off for-

Eva McAvay’s “How Dare You?” The camera cuts abruptly to a miniature podium emblazoned with the words “How Dare You?” in bold red letters. Behind it stands nine-year-old Eva McAvay, her piercing eyes blazing with righteous fury as she glares directly into the camera.

Eva McAvay: How dare you?

Eva’s small frame trembles with indignation. She slams her fist on the podium, causing it to wobble precariously.

Eva McAvay: Progressive Alliance… American Patriots… you have betrayed the American people once again!

Eva’s mind races, fueled by a mix of anger and disappointment.

Eva McAvay: These politicians never learn, do they? They’re like spoiled children refusing to clean their room… not that I would know anything about that… but…

She quickly moves on.

Eva McAvay: …a month and a half ago, Donald Trump defeated Kamala Harris with a vow to drain the swamp, to put an end to wasteful spending.

Eva’s voice rises, her blonde hair whipping around her face as she gestures forcefully.

Eva McAvay: And what do you do? You try to sneak through a pork-laden continuing resolution!

She pauses, her chest heaving with emotion. The studio lights glint off the determination in her eyes.

Eva McAvay: To the Progressive Alliance and the American Patriots, I say this: You are not patriots. You are not progressive. You are parasites, feeding off the hard work of everyday Americans!

Eva’s thoughts turn to her mother, Dawn. She knows Dawn might not approve of her harsh words, but sometimes the truth needs to be spoken, no matter how uncomfortable.

Eva McAvay: The people demanded change. They demanded fiscal responsibility. And you… you dare to ignore them?

She leans forward, her small hands gripping the edges of the podium.

Eva McAvay: Well, I won’t be ignored. The American people won’t be ignored. We see through your games, your backroom deals, your empty promises.

In her mind, Eva pictures the corridors of power in Washington, filled with smug politicians patting themselves on the back. It makes her blood boil.

Eva McAvay: So I ask you again, Congress…

Eva’s voice builds to a crescendo, her face flushed with passion.

Eva McAvay: HOW DARE YOU?

The final words echo through the studio as Eva glares defiantly into the camera, daring anyone to challenge her righteous anger.

***

Commercial Break A fast-paced commercial jingle plays…

Announcer Guy: “Are you tired of being broke? Sick of the government printing money while you struggle? Well, say hello to the revolutionary MoneyMaker 3000!”

Camera pans across a dorm room where a scrawny college student with wild hair and thick glasses stands proudly next to a bizarre contraption

Genius College Student: Hi, I’m Devin, and I’ve solved the financial crisis with science!

Announcer Guy: That’s right, folks! This genius has created a do-it-yourself money printer that’ll make you richer than your wildest dreams!

Montage of people using the MoneyMaker 3000.

Announcer Guy: Watch as Susan pays off her student loans with freshly printed cash! See Tom buy a yacht with crisp bills straight from the machine! Marvel at little Timmy becoming the richest kid on the playground!

Genius College Student: If the Fed can do it, why can’t we?

Announcer Guy: But wait, there’s more! Order now and we’ll throw in our patented ‘Audit Avoider’ software! Keep those pesky IRS agents off your back!”

Scene of a man swimming in a pool filled with money.

Announce Guy: Imagine never worrying about bills again! Buy anything you want! Heck, buy the whole store!

Suddenly, loud banging is heard.

FBI Agent: FBI! Open up!

Genius College Student [panicking]: Oh no, they’ve found me!

Doors burst open, agents rush in.

Announcer Guy [speaking rapidly]: The MoneyMaker 3000 is not approved by any government agency. Use at your own risk. Side effects may include hyperinflation, economic collapse, and federal prison time. Batteries not included.

Agents handcuff the student.

Genius College Student [being dragged away]: You can’t stop the financial revolution!

Announcer Guy: MoneyMaker 3000 – because why should the government have all the fun?

Commercial abruptly ends with static…

***

Back from commercial…

Johnny Suave: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for our main event!

MAIN EVENT: The SEC Squad (The Alabama Kid and Gator Bates w/Brice Brantley and Paul Finebaum) vs. Main Street USA (Farmer John Deer and Ken Worth-American Trucker w/Tequila Sheila) Kimber Marshall struts to the center of the ring, her long legs accentuated by her glittering outfit. She raises the microphone, her voice filled with excitement.

Kimber Marshall: Making their way to the ring, representing the heart and soul of America, Main Street USA!

The twang of country music fills the air as Farmer John Deer and Ken Worth emerge from behind the curtain, led by the vivacious Tequila Sheila. John’s weathered hands wave to the crowd, while Ken’s eyes scan the arena, taking in the sea of fans.

Kimber Marshall: From Redwood Falls, Minnesota, standing 6’3″ and weighing in at 265 pounds, Farmer John Deer!

John flexes his muscular arms, built from years of hard work on the farm.

Kimber Marshall: And his partner, from Gary, Indiana, standing 6’2″ and weighing 225 pounds, Ken Worth, the American Trucker!

Ken adjusts his trucker cap, a smile playing on his lips as he hears the cheers.

As Main Street USA settles into their corner, Kimber’s voice rises again.

Kimber Marshall: And their opponents, The SEC Squad!

A chorus of boos erupts as Gator Bates and The Alabama Kid swagger onto the stage, flanked by Brice Brantley and Paul Finebaum. The SEC Squad’s entrance music, a mashup of “Sweet Home Alabama” and the Florida Gators’ fight song, blares through the speakers.

Finebaum grabs the microphone, his face twisted in a sneer.

Paul Finebaum: Well, well, well. Look what we have here. A couple of hayseeds thinking they can step into the ring with the SEC’s finest.

He pauses, reveling in the crowd’s hostility.

Paul Finebaum: Let me tell you something. Indiana, SMU, Clemson- they’re all frauds who had no business being in the playoffs ahead of Alabama.

Johnny Suave leans into his microphone.

Johnny Suave: Strong words from Finebaum. Of course, you could make the same claim about Tennessee who looked completely hopeless against Ohio State.  Colleen, what do you make of this?

Colleen Crowder adjusts her glasses, her voice full of sarcasm.

Colleen Crowder: Oh, I’m sure his completely unbiased opinion has nothing to do with his SEC loyalties, Johnny.

Paul Finebaum: Tennessee? They’re not frauds. They’re an SEC team and Ohio State was obviously motivated by their loss to Michigan.

He points at John and Ken.

Paul Finebaum: And just like we exposed those frauds, we’re going to show everyone what happens when you mess with the SEC!

As The SEC Squad charges towards the ring, John Deer cracks his knuckles, a determined glint in his eye.

Farmer John Deer: Ken, looks like these city slickers need a lesson in good ol’ fashioned farm boy strength.

Ken nods, a grin spreading across his face.

Ken Worth: Aye, John. Time to show ’em what the heartland’s made of. Let’s plow these fields!

The bell rings, and the match begins, with Main Street USA ready to prove that the backbone of America can stand up to anyone – even the mighty SEC.

Johnny Suave: Here we go!  The Alabama Kid and Gator Bates explode into the ring and their eyes are wild with SEC fury. Brice Brantley, the SEC’s enforcer, is hot on their heels. It’s a three-on-two brawl, fists flying faster than corn prices during a drought.

John Deer takes a hard right from Gator Bates, his weathered face contorting. Ken Worth catches an elbow from The Alabama Kid, stumbling back.

Johnny Suave: The SEC Squad is overwhelming Main Street USA! But wait… IT’S AVERAGE JOE!

Average Joe bursts from the stage, a blue-collar blur racing to even the odds. He slides into the ring, immediately clotheslining Brantley.

Ken Worth: Now we’ve got ourselves a fair fight!

The referee finally manages to restore order, shooing the extra combatants out of the ring.

Johnny Suave: John Deer and The Alabama Kid square off, now circling each other like two bulls in a field.

The Alabama Kid lunges, attempting a spinebuster, but John twists away, years of farm work paying off in raw strength and agility.

Johnny Suave: Deer escapes what could have been a devastating move!

Colleen Crowder: Unlike escaping crushing student loan debt.

The match intensifies, a whirlwind of rural grit versus SEC bravado. It’s anyone’s game as Main Street USA fights to prove they’re no pushovers in this political wrestling arena.

Johnny Suave: The Alabama Kid’s going for a backsplash… NO!  He meets nothing but John Deer’s raised knees.

There’s a collective gasp from the crowd. Deer seizes the moment, his farmer’s strength on full display as he hoists The Alabama Kid for a thunderous Blue Thunder Bomb.

Johnny Suave: HUGE MOVE BY DEER!  HE COVERS!

“One! Two!” The referee’s hand slaps the mat, but The Alabama Kid kicks out at the last second.

Johnny Suave: NO!  Deer nearly had it there! The heartland’s showing it’s got some fight left!

Paul Finebaum, at ringside, scowls, his face a picture of SEC indignation.

Johnny Suave: A flurry of tags brings Gator Bates and Ken Worth into the fray.

Bates immediately goes on the offensive, his moves as quick and unpredictable as Florida weather.

Johnny Suave: Bates is cleaning house!  Gator executes a running powerslam on Worth… he turns and plants Farmer John Deer with another.

Bates attempts a spinebuster on Worth, but John Deer, seeing his partner in trouble, shoves Bates onto the cover, breaking it up. That brings in the other two and it’s a free-for-all.

Johnny Suave: The ring erupts into chaos!  All four men trading blows back and forth!

The crowd roars as Bates’ massive arm connects with Deer’s chest, sending the farmer flying over the top rope and crashing to the floor. The sickening thud of flesh meeting concrete echoes through the arena.

Johnny Suave: Oh my God! Deer just got clotheslined into next week!

Colleen Crowder: Actually, Johnny, that kind of violent imagery might be triggering for some viewers. Perhaps we could use a less aggressive metaphor?

Suave rolls his eyes.

Johnny Suave: Sure, Colleen. Deer just got gently escorted to the floor via Bates’ arm. Better?

Inside the ring, The Alabama Kid stalks Worth, who’s struggling to his feet in the corner. The trucker’s eyes are glazed, his movements sluggish. But before Worth can steady himself, The Alabama Kid charges, driving his forearm into Worth’s face with a sickening crunch.

Johnny Suave: The Alabama Kid just rearranged Worth’s facial features!

Crowder winces.

Colleen Crowder: That’s a bit graphic, Johnny. Maybe we could say he ‘adjusted’ Worth’s features?

The Alabama Kid doesn’t waste a second.

Johnny Suave: The Alabama Kid grabs Worth by the head, lifts him high, and drives him down with The Crimson Tide.  This is it!

The Alabama Kid goes for the cover.

The referee’s hand slaps the mat. “One!”

“Two!”

The crowd is on its feet, a mix of cheers and boos filling the air.

“Three!”

The bell rings, and Kimber Marshall steps back into the ring.

Kimber Marshall: Here are your winners… The SEC Squad!

Paul Finebaum snatches the microphone, his face twisted in a smug grin.

Paul Finebaum: Ladies and gentlemen, what you’ve just witnessed is the utter destruction of fraud. Main Street USA thought they could compete with the SEC? Ha! This is what happens when you step to the big leagues, folks. The SEC doesn’t just win; we dominate!

Johnny Suave: Well, folks, it looks like the SEC Squad has made their point in emphatic fashion!

Crowder sighs.

Colleen Crowder: While I don’t condone violence as a means of proving superiority, it’s clear the SEC Squad came prepared tonight.

As Finebaum continues his tirade, Worth rolls to his side, spitting blood. His eyes lock with Deer’s across the ring, a silent promise passing between them. This isn’t over. Not by a long shot.

The Alabama Kid, seething with SEC pride, grabs Ken Worth and spikes him with a second Crimson Tide.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

The crowd gasps as Worth’s body goes limp.

Johnny Suave: That man has a family!

Outside the ring, Gator Bates stalks John Deer like a predator in the Everglades. With lightning speed, he locks Deer in the Gator Chomp, the farmer’s face contorting in agony.

Brice Brantley, the SEC Enforcer, grabs Average Joe by the throat. With a roar that would make a Georgia Bulldog proud, Brantley chokeslams Joe onto the unforgiving floor.

Johnny Suave: This is a travesty! Where’s the referee? Where’s security?

Colleen Crowder: Ask Elon Musk.  He seems to be the one running things.

The SEC Squad continues their relentless assault, the beatdown in full swing. John Deer, despite his impressive frame, is doubled over in pain. Ken Worth lies motionless in the ring. Average Joe doesn’t stir on the arena floor.

Suddenly, the opening chords of “Do You Hear the People Sing?” blare through the speakers. The crowd erupts as Ray McAvay, William Daniels Bryan, and PCW Champion Charlie Blackwell sprint down the ramp.

Johnny Suave: IT’S THE DEPLORABLES!  The American Heartland Coalition is here to make the save!”

Charlie Blackwell, his face a mask of Texas fury, slides into the ring and immediately clotheslines The Alabama Kid. William Daniels Bryan, righteousness radiating from every pore, tackles Gator Bates off John Deer, and Ray McAvay low blows Brantley and slaps on the Dragon Sleeper.

Johnny Suave: The tide has turned!

The Peru State Field House is electric with the roar of the crowd as the SEC retreats.

Johnny Suave: That usually would do it for this week’s PCW Extreme Political TV.  But… we are going to go back in time to 2019 for a special Christmas attraction match… the Nakatomi Towers Death Match that took place between the Island of Misfit Wrestlers… Rah and Halitosis… versus The Professional Bad Guys… Hans Grueber and Carl Vreski.  Merry Christmas everyone and enjoy.

SPECIAL CHRISTMAS ATTRACTION/NON-TITLE-NAKATOMI TOWERS DEATH MATCH: PCW Tag Team Champions The Island of Misfit Wrestlers: Rah and Halitosis vs. The Professional Bad Guys: Hans Grueber and Carl Vreski

Marshall raises the microphone to her mouth and gets the program underway.

Kimber Marshall: Ladies and gentlemen.  Welcome to our main event.

She pauses as the crowd cheers.

Kimber Marshall: This match will be a one fall…

Crowd: ONE FALL!

Kimber Marshall: …Nakatomi Towers Death Match.

The camera pans over to the two German wrestlers warming up in their corner – sneering at the ring announcer.

Kimber Marshall: Introducing first already in the ring, The Professional Bad Guys – Hans Grueber and Carl Vreski.

Grueber and Vreski huddle and scheme in their corner.  Grueber wears a suit.  Vreski, a black zip up top and pants.

Kimber Marshall: And their opponents…

Slinking out onto the stage in a gold one piece strapless mini-dress, gold high heel shoes, copious makeup on her face, a Santa hat with a piece of mistletoe on the top worn over her teased platinum hair right out of the 1980’s, and bright red lipstick on her lips, Dawn McGill struts her way down the ramp and stops intermittently to pose for the fans.

Kimber Marshall: …led to the ring by PCW Owner Dawn McGill…

Three quarters of the way down, someone in the crowd holds up a bouquet of flowers that catches her attention.  She points to the fan with the sign and walks over to the guardrail.  The fan, who appears to be an older middle aged man, meets her.  Dawn smiles, grabs the side of his face with both hands, and plants a full mouth, no holds barred kiss on the surprised man.

Once the kiss ends, McGill- lipstick slightly smeared on her face, giggles as she backs away from the man- his face also smeared with red lipstick, and continues on towards the ring.

A rumbling bass line plays over the sound system leading into the beginning of The Call’s ‘Let the Day Begin.’

Halitosis saunters out on the ramp dressed in a plain black t-shirt, jeans, and wrestling shoes.

Halitosis

Kimber Marshall: …hailing from the Island of Misfit Wrestlers.  Weighing in tonight at one hundred ninety-five pounds, ladies and gentlemen- ‘The Luchador with Insanely Poor Oral Hygiene’…HALITOSIS!

“Here’s to the teachers in the crowded rooms Here’s to the workers in the fields Here’s to the preachers of the sacred words Here’s to the drivers at the wheel…”

Halitosis pumps his first in the air and then starts down the ramp towards the ring.  He slap people’s hands along the way and then says hello to a young fan in the front row- the fan promptly collapses when he get a whiff of his breath.

“Here’s to you My little loves with blessings from above Now let the day begin…”

Halitosis then moves on to the next one.  He says hello.  The fan gets a blast of his breath and falls to the ground.

He continues on to greet the fans along the way- oblivious to the carnage he leaves behind.

“Here’s to you My little loves with blessings from above Now let the day begin let the day begin let the day…start!”

Halitosis reaches the ring area and continues to greet people around the front row.  Again, they all pass out once they get downwind of his breath and soon, the scene looks like a set of dominos falling over as she goes around the perimeter.  He climbs up on the ring apron and leaps over the top rope into the ring.

Halitosis goes to shake the ring announcer’s hand but finds that she’s bolted to the other side of the ring to keep a safe distance away.  Shrugging his shoulders, Halitosis looks out over the ropes and raises his arms in the air.

Kimber Marshall: And his partner, from-

Marshall is interrupted by a man dressed in an expensive suit and bow-tie who’s just climbed into the ring.  He elbows Kimber out of the way and gestures for her to take a temporary powder because he’s the one who’s been given the honor and privilege of introducing a living deity.

Over the loudspeaker, a buzzing synth sound replaces The Call.

Announcer Guy (in a voice not unlike Michael Buffer): Ladies and gentlemen. I present to you the almost universally-worshipped king of the sun gods of all creation. He commands the chariot that rode across the sky during the day. He is the great, fiery globe in the sky, a welcome, nurturing presence to honor the season. He is the inspiration for those who would throw virgins into the gaping maw of a volcano – perhaps an Icelandic volcano – even though such shenanigans haven’t been acceptable since the 1950s. And just for your reference, he is, for 33 years in a row, proven to be one of UC San Diego‘s most enduring traditions in the Sun God festival- an all-day music festival celebrated by more than 20,000 students, alumni and friends. But that’s not important.

The lights turn off and a small spotlight illuminates the ramp where ten former Arizona State sorority sisters, turned followers of Rah, pose on the ramp and are oblivious to anything else going on around them.  Why?  Because they’re too busy taking selfies of themselves on their cell phones and then texting them onto their twitter accounts.

Two large, hulking men carry out a golden sedan chair holding a six foot eight inch, two hundred and eighty pound man dressed in long flowing robes inside.  Rah is tanned, he’s rested, and as the girls continue to make obnoxious faces, duck face expression, and taking copious amounts of selfies.

Announcer Guy: Either way, you should thank your lucky stars and kiss his royal ass for gracing you with his presence here tonight. I give to you…the reason the Earth doesn‘t float away in the vastness of space…the reason for the invention of sunglasses because your face would melt like in Raiders of the Lost Ark if you gaze upon him…ladies and gentlemen…bow down before the Sunshine God…

McGill breaks character and rolls her eyes at Rah’s overly elaborate entrance.

Announcer Guy:  …RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

The procession stops at the ring steps. Rah climbs out of his golden sedan chair and is immediately barraged with flashing lights.  The former sorority girls keep taking selfie after selfie all around him.

Blinking his eyes to clear his vision, Rah somehow finds his way into the ring.

Kimber rips the microphone back from Rah’s announcer guy.

Johnny Suave: All right.  The Island of Misfit Wrestlers versus The Professional Bad Guys in this Nakatomi Plaza Death Match.  Colleen?  Any comment?

Colleen Crowder: No.

The bell sounds.

Johnny Suave: Here we go.  Halitosis and Vreski circle and tie up. They go around and around.  Vreski pushes Halitosis into a corner.  Halitosis turns it around.  Referee Davey Keels calls for a break.

Vreski lets up – but then fires a right hand.  Halitosis dodges the sucker punch and dropkicks him back into the corner!

Johnny Suave: Vreski tried to get away with one but Halitosis sniffed it out.

Colleen Crowder: Much like whenever Halitosis opens his mouth he’s easy to sniff out.

Johnny Suave: Halitosis drives his shoulder into Vreski’s mid-section and then climbs up to rain down right hands.  Keels starts a count.

Keels counts to four and Halitosis backs away.

Johnny Suave: Halitosis wants the elbow but Vreski pushes him away and kicks low.  Vreski headlocks and rips at the eyes.  Halitosis slips out but Vreski runs him over.

Faster now, Halitosis hurdles Vreski and hits the spinning powerslam! Cover…one…Grueber in with a double ax handle and Vreski gets away.  Doubleteam beatdown by the Grueber and Vreski and fans boo.  Halitosis throws himself to the deck and rolls to the corner to tag in Rah.  Grueber says he’s not afraid of the big man and tags in.

Johnny Suave: Grueber says he’s not he’s not afraid of Rah.  We’ll see about that.

Colleen Crowder: Rah’s breath doesn’t stink to high heaven.  Hans is going to be okay.

Rah ties up with Grueber and powers him to a corner.

Johnny Suave: Grueber runs the ropes but Rah runs him over.  Grueber goes low with an uppercut that slows the Sunshine God down.  Grueber whips – Rah reverses. Grueber dodges but Vreski has a baseball bat and takes a swipe at Rah.

Grueber tags Vreski in.

Johnny Suave: Vreski takes the bat and goes to swin-… NO! Dawn McGill slips out of sports entertainment babe mode and goes into the ring and grabs the bat!

There’s a bit of a tussle – McGill wins and throws the bat out of the ring.  Vreski takes a wild swing at her – McGill ducks and Rah wipes Vreski out with a belly to back suplex.

Johnny Suave: Vreski was too focused on McGill and Rah took him down.

McGill slips back into sports entertainment eye candy mode and blows Vreski a kiss before she exits the ring.

Johnny Suave: Rah tags Halitosis back in.  Halitosis starts with a waistlock and moves to a headlock on Vreski.  Vreski powers out and sends Halitosis into the ropes.  He dodges him on the return and…

*BLAM*

Johnny Suave: Halitosis runs right into a steel chair from Grueber!  Fireman’s carry by Vreski into a Jackhammer slam.  Cover…one…two…Halitosis kicks out.

Halitosis back up.  Vreski with a waistlock – lift- SPINEBUSTER!

Johnny Suave: Cover! One…two…Rah in and makes the save.

*BLAM*

Grueber clobbers Rah with a the chair.  Grueber and Vreski send Rah over the top rope to the floor.  Grueber slides out and pulls something out from underneath the ring.  It’s an eight foot by four foot piece of glass.

Johnny Suave: What the hell is he doing?

Colleen Crowder: What he’s doing is setting up the piece of glass in the corner and motioning Vreski to do something with it.

Vreski doesn’t quite understand what Grueber wants him to do and shrugs.

Grueber again motions to the glass- Vreski still doesn’t know what he’s got in mind.  He shrugs again.

Now agitated, Greuber makes an exaggerated motion pointing at the glass.

Again, Vreski doesn’t quite get it.

Finally…

Hans Grueber: SHOOT…THE GLASS!

Grueber positions Halitosis in front of the glass.  Vreski finally gets it.

Carl Vreski: Ohhhhhhhh!

Vreski rushes forward and spears Halitosis right through it, sending glass flying all over the place.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Crowd: HOLY *BLEEP*…HOLY *BLEEP*

Johnny Suave: Hey, that’s Laura Bergman looking on.  She’s Halitosis’s wife.

Joe is bleeding.  So is Vreski.  He exits the ring to check under the ring apron and pull out a chain.

Johnny Suave: Now Vreski has a chain.

Vreski returns to the ring and blasts Halitosis with it.  Halitosis collapses to the mat.

Johnny Suave: Vreski wraps the chain around his neck and goes to choke him out.

Vreski then rolls over Halitosis for the pinfall.  But there’s no count.  Why?

Johnny Suave: Dawn McGill is making out with referee Davey Keels in the corner.  That’s some powerful mistletoe he must be using.

The camera zooms in on the Santa hat Keels is wearing- complete with mistletoe.

Johnny Suave: Can I get some of that?

Rah yanks Vreski off Halitosis.

*WHACK*

Johnny Suave: Dawn McGill slipped into the ring and filets Vreski with a Singapore cane.

Vreski spins around and…

*WHACK*

…gets nailed a second time.  He’s now bleeding from the forehead from the caneshots.  Halitosis rolls out of the ring.

Johnny Suave: Rah spins Vreski around – grabs him by the throat – lifts- and slams him to the mat with the Solstice slam.   Cover… one… two… NO! Vreski kicks out.

Vreski kicks Rah in the groin and snapmares the Sunshine God to the mat.

Johnny Suave: He goes for a dragon sleeper… NO! Rah blocks and gets back to his feet.  Rah hits a bulldog and drops ax handles on the back of Vreski.

Then Rah takes Vreski’s chain and wraps it around his neck.  Vreski frantically tries to get away.  He tries to throw himself out of the ring but the chain catches and hangs him up.

Johnny Suave: Rah drags Vreski back to the ring and signals it time to sacrifice him to the Temple of the Sunshine God!

Rah looks over at his faithful worshipers-

…and they’re not paying attention to what he’s doing.

Rolling his eyes, Rah looks over at McGill- she’s looking at her compact and redoing her lipstick that got mussed up when she Singapore caned Vreski.

Sighing, Rah then turns to the fans at ringside and finally receives the adulation he’s looking for.  He places Vreski’s head between his legs and looks towards the heavens with arms stretched out soaking in the praise and worship of the fans. After receiving the necessary strength, Rah picks Vreski up and drives him down onto the canvas with a jackknife powerbomb.

Johnny Suave: EYE OF RAHHHHHHHH!

Rah walks with a deliberate gait over to Vreski.  He should pin him right then and there but something catches the eyes of the Sunshine God.  In the stands, he sees Hans Grueber with a firm grip on the hand of one Laura Bergman.

Johnny Suave: Oh no!  Hans Grueber is dragging Halitosis’s wife Laura Bergman up the steps towards the top with him.

A few feet below, Halitosis, bloodied and just a mess, climbs up the steps a few feet behind them.  Rah watches as Grueber reaches the top and sees Joe coming for him.

Johnny Suave: Hans Grueber is threatening to throw Laura off the back of the stands if he takes another step forward.

Laura stomps on Grueber’s foot.  Halitosis lurches forward and unleashes his lethal breath of death on Grueber.

Johnny Suave: BREATH OF DEATH!  Grueber clutches his throat at the stench and he’s about to go over the edge!

Laura shoves Grueber over the edge but the German grabs on to Laura’s wrist as he topples over and begins to pull her down with him – Joe grabs Laura and holds on for dear life.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Grueber has a hold of her watch.  He tries to reach up with his free hand as Laura feverishly loosens the watchband.  It slips off her wrist and…

Grueber falls several feet down and crashes through the two tables that’s been conveniently set up below him.

Johnny Suave: I wonder who put those tables up?

Quick cut to Dawn McGill, filing her nails behind the stands and nodding at her handiwork as Grueber lays in the wreckage of the tables.

Back in the ring…

Johnny Suave: Rah sees that Laura’s safe and goes back over to Vreski.  He hooks the leg and makes the cover.  One…two…THREE.

Keels calls for the bell and that’s all.  Kimber Marshall comes out to the ring.

Kimber Marshall: Your winner at thirteen minutes and twenty-three seconds… Rah! And Halitosis… the Island of Misfit Wrestlers!

Quick cut to Halitosis and Laura Bergman hugging in the stands.

Johnny Suave: Thanks everyone for watching tonight and everyone have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!