#andrew and oscar should also not kill me

[selfcarecap]

andrew and oscar are going to be in a movie together!!!!! hopefully this casting doesn’t change 🤞🤞 - hopeless romantic stalker

Omg what film? 👀👀👀

[straightbaittournament]

only the option with the lowest percentage will be eliminated! propaganda under the cut:

fitzroy angursell and pali avramapul:

I’m pretty sure even the author thought they were straight and endgame when she started writing them. Although initially Pali is portrayed as the love of Fitzroy’s life so that you think you’re going to have to put up with this straight relationship, she’s later canonically confirmed aroace with a lot of subtext around two other women, while it becomes clear in later books that Fitzroy has a growing interest in another man. Tfw you are sure they’re going to kiss by the end of the book and then it turns out that previous marriage proposals were plausibly about friendship in the first place

oscar francois de jarjayes and andre grenadier:

Okay, so this might sound kind of weird but bear with me because I really think they should count. Oscar was afab but her father gave her a boy's name and raised her as a boy (by 18th century standards) because sexism and he had 5 daughters and decided she was going to be a son because they were a noble family and he wanted a son to become a high ranking military official because they're rich so they can just do that. Oscar joins the army and becomes Marie-Antoinette's personal guard. Her and childhood best friend Andre are very close through out the series (he supports her throughout the many scandals that she has to deal with because she works for the royal family) and at the end of the series it is revealed that they are in love, but they are both killed in the war before they can actually get together. The dying before they can be together might fall into the buried straights category but they relationship also has really queer energy because throughout the series it becomes apparent that Oscar usually Does Not Vibe with only the gender she assigned at birth. She sometimes refers to herself as a woman, sometimes refers to herself as a man, but her attitude is usually basically 'I'm a man, I'm a woman, I'm both, I'm neither, stop asking'. So I think they should count as straightbait because we find out that Oscar is nonbinary and Andre loves her no matter what her gender is (and then they die before they can get together).

abbie mills and ichabod crane:

They both start out as main characters, working together since the ep. 1. Next three seasons follow the regular m/f protagonist duo pattern: they need each other's help, there's chemistry going on, there are heartwrenching scenes and dramatic sacrifices, they learn they can only truly rely on each other - so the next step is to let them be together, right? Wrong. The next step is to let lt. Mills make a final sacrifice, which on top of killing the pairing insults her as a character - suddenly from the POV protagonist she started as she's demoted to secondary character who always was just there to be the main guy's support. There are some feelings acknowledged, but no confessions or promises exchanged during the final fleeting reunion. Three-seasons-worth of build-up and then she dies.

angel and cordelia chase:

They met as characters on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but their dynamic doesn't take off until the Angel spinoff Because the showrunners of Angel didn't go in with the idea of putting these two together, the characters' friendship was allowed to develop organically without the assumption of romance, which then made the realization of their feelings for each other more satisfying. Unfortunately the shadow of Bangel (Buffy x Angel) still held over Angel's character, so I think it was a hard sell at the time and didn't gain a lot of popularity in the years since. Both these two characters grew alongside each other, supported each other, and despite knowing that they loved each other, let each other go to pursue their destinies. A really underrated het pairing!

entrapta and hordak:

Heavily heavily heavily hinted/slow burn?

joseph cooper and amelia brand:

These two are explicitly set up as the male and female leads of the movie and shown to have a close relationship with each other, one where in any other movie I would have expected them to end up together by the end of the movie, especially since one of the central themes of Interstellar is love as a force that can change the universe. However, the two do not get together by the end of the movie and there is never any explicitly romantic scene between them.

akko kagari and andrew hanbridge:

Very typical hetero-love-interest introduction, rival vibes, aloof rich boy & headstrong "commoner" girl, learning to see each other's point of view, she dresses up for the first time in the series to sneak into his party to try to talk to him. Just classic 'ugh they're clearly gonna get together' but... they don't. Nothing romantic is ever explicit, and by s2 they're friends and that's it. there's no discussion or drama. they're good friends. literally shocked me. apparently a guy and girl who fit a bunch of romantic tropes... can just be friends

kurosaki ichigo and kuchiki rukia:

Oh man, where do I even begin? So, for some context, Bleach starts when Rukia (a shinigami) gets critically injured saving Ichigo from a monster, and she transfers her powers to him so he can finish it off. Instead of transferring half her powers as planned, however, she transfers all of them, which forces Ichigo to take over her job as a shinigami. During this time period, Rukia... lives in his closet. Yeah. The entire first arc of the manga is dedicated to their relationship, and while a lot of it is playful banter, Rukia's presence in Ichigo's life fundamentally changes it for the better. Rukia then gets kidnapped by the rest of the shinigami who aren't at all happy she gave her powers to a human, and the main plot ensues from there. Throughout the story, Rukia and Ichigo constantly save each other when they're at their worst. When Rukia thinks she deserves to die, Ichigo is there to tell her she deserves to live. When Ichigo is in a funk about his superpowered evil side, Rukia is there to snap him out of it (something his canon love interest explicitly realises she was unable to do). They share a sun/moon motif for crying out loud, and yet like that last sentence said... they don't end up together, but with other people instead. Yeah. No shade to the canon ships, but Ichiruki is peak straightbaiting, honestly. They have a lot of banter/chemistry, fundamentally change eachother's lives for the better, save each other when they're at their lowest, and have a very deliberate sun/moon dichotomy... but they both end up paired off with different characters instead asdfghkl

bow and glimmer:

They didn’t get together until the VERY END of the whole show and even then it was a little ambiguous (was it a BFF “I love you?” 🤷🏼‍♀️)

hardwon surefoot and moonshine cybin:

They’re DnD characters so they’re bi disasters canonically. Just not for each other The best way to describe Hardshine is this: “They’re soulmates” “Platonically or romantically?” “Yes” Literally they care so much about each other. Moonshine cured Hardwon’s vampirism by reincarnating him into a half elf and he told her “I’ve been half elf ever since I met you”. Moonshine is a high level elf druid which means she’ll basically live forever and literally the most emotional scene where she asks her mom “How long do half-elves live?”. Hardwon was always a fish out of water who never really fit in until he found Moonshine and the Crick. Are they dating? Queerplatonic partners? Siblings? Idk man they’re just in love it doesn’t matter how.

good luck everyone! now go vote!

[stokan]

Every 2022 Film Nominated for an Oscar Ranked

40. Tell It Like a Woman - It’s true, this “movie” actual exists. I’ve seen it with my own eyes, and they haven’t stopped bleeding since. That this collection of sub-student-film level shorts is an absolute embarrassment for everyone involved is besides the point. What I really want you to know about this “movie” is that the Diane Warren song that is the entire reason for this project to exist plays in one of the shorts, then it plays again over the closing credits, then it plays a SECOND time over the closing credits, but then it ends and the credits are still going. And no new songs starts! So you’re just sitting there in the most uncomfortable interminable silence ever because I guess they couldn’t afford a second song (?) and at Academy screenings it’s considered incredibly rude to leave before the credits are done. But thank god you didn’t because then after the credits there is a MUSIC VIDEO FOR THE SONG! And that music video is longer and looks like it cost more than basically all of the shorts you just watched. And part of the music video is Diane Warren directing the music video you're currently watching?? And as a legitimate smile formed on my face while all of this was unfolding, it’s only then that I truly understood Stockholm Syndrome.

39. Blonde - Feels truly wild that this wasn’t the worst movie I saw this year. It’s hard to say if I hated this more than Andrew Dominick hates Marilyn Monroe, but regardless, I can’t imagine ever having a more unpleasant time at the movies than I did watching this three-hour-long Ana de Armas hostage video. Please don’t watch Blonde.

38. Bardo - More like BardNO. If you’re going to make a movie about you feel like you suck as an artist and are unworthy as a person, what you don't want is the end result to make the audience definitely agree with you. But other than the truly gorgeous cinematography, making Inarritu’s self-loathing an ACTUAL loathing is the only other thing this film successfully achieves. Well, that and single-handedly killing the idea of Netflix giving unlimited money to directors to make their passion projects unimpeded. Never thought I would say this, but after watching Bardo - please studios, give directors more notes.

37. Black Panther: Wakanda Forever - “Yeah, but your scientists were so occupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should” - Dr. Ian Malcom, a character who would later appear in Jurassic Park: Dominion.

While watching this movie I kept trying to figure out what on earth the character of RiRi had to do with anything, only to get home and learn that her sole purpose in the movie was to set up a future TV series. At this point buying a ticket for an MCU movie is exactly like Ralphie in A Christmas Story sending off for Annie’s Secret Circle Decoder Ring, only you already know in advance the answer will always just ultimately be “don’t forget to drink your Ovaltine”.

36. EO - I’m sure when they were making this movie they thought “well, if nothing else, at least we’re definitely making the best artsy existential European donkey movie this year.” Nope! 

No human in this movie behaves like an actual human being, every major choice is contrived simply to keep the plot moving forward, and the donkey is the best actor in the cast. Nice try though.

35. Puss in Boots: The Last Wish - When adults don't take animation seriously as an art form and write it off as essentially kids entertainment, this is the exact movie they’re thinking of - brightly colored, turbo-charged drivel, with broad characters, broader jokes, and nothing interesting to say. Not to yuck anyone’s yum, as I’m sure if I was 8 years old I would want all things Puss and Boots mainlined directly into my veins, but as a non-8-year-old, this was very much Not For Me. 

(Also, as a 40 year old man, if you’d like to almost certainly get put on some kind of list then I would really recommend going by yourself, in a heavy coat and sweatpants, to a 9:30pm Friday night screening of a Puss in Boots film.)

34. Navalny - Important story, one truly great scene, and a film that I know a lot of people seem to like, but as a piece of movie making, for me, well...are the kids still saying “mid”? If so, I’m gonna say the thing that I’m sure ALL the kids are saying - a sentence that you can hear as you walk down the halls of any school in America - "Navalny is mid”.

33. The Sea Beast - Less than a month after having seen it, here’s the grand total of what I remember about this movie: there was a sea beast.

32. The Whale - If you want to know why there are many different art forms used to tell stories a great example is that this script works beautifully as a play, and terribly as a movie. Theater and film are different mediums, and what works on stage often seems overwrought and overwritten on film. And as we learn more and more with each passing year, most movies don’t make good plays either. So just let plays be plays and movies be movies. And let whatever exactly Sadie Sink and Samatha Morton are doing in The Whale never be either ever again.

31. Mrs Harris Goes to Paris - A beautiful looking trifle that tastes lovely and sweet but has absolutely no nutritional value because it’s mostly just air. A movie that feels like it should have premiered on British Airways’ in-flight entertainment network, if that can somehow be read as a semi-compliment.

30. Empire of Light - There’s a truly moving and interesting movie in here about the power of film and communal experience. The problem is that there are three other movies in here as well. Still, if you got Colman and you got Deakins, you got something. Just not any more than that though.

28. A House Made of Splinters - This year’s Oscar Doc Mad Libs entry. There’s always at least one nominee where the log line is: verite footage of a woman/group of women operating (an uplifting and important social service) in (country that’s currently in the news for being at war). in this case it’s (orphanage) and (Ukraine). Important story, truly heroic work, and further proof that if you point a camera at kids for long enough you’re always gonna wind up with some profound truths. But I watch a version of this exact movie every single year.

27. Argentina 1985 - Would seem difficult to take something as emotionally compelling as the true-life story of people being disappeared by a South American military dictatorship and make a movie about it that feels as conventional as an extra long Law and Oder episode, but here we are. That’s not to say it isn’t well made, important, and watchable - people love Law and Order! - just that it’s so by the numbers it feels more like a math equation than a film. If you’ve ever seen a movie before, you know where this one is going.

26. Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery - Everything listed before this movie I would not really recommend, and everything after it, at least on some level, I would. And this is the exact mid-point. A perfectly decent movie that I feel absolutely nothing about. See it, or don’t - I can’t imagine a world where I would possibly care one way or the other. it’s simply the blindfolded lady who holds up the scale.

25. The Quiet Girl - It’s hard to totally put my finger on why this movie feels like one that in a few years I’ll almost certainly forget ever having seen, when at the same time there are very stylistically and tonally similar movies much higher on my list, but if I had to try and sum it up, I’d say it’s this: the girl is too quiet.

24. To Leslie - Honestly, is Andrea Riseborough getting nominated for this movie that much different than Laura Dern getting nominated for Rambling Rose or Jessica Lange WINNING for Blue Sky? I have no idea, I’ve never seen those movies. But an actress getting nominated for a micro-budget film no one saw from a tiny distributor isn’t some sort of new scandal, it used to be an annual tradition. Hell, To Leslie is exactly the sort of pleasant feel-good elevated-middle-brow indie that the Oscars were practically built on in the 90s. Although Mark Maron is the least believable Texan in movie history, and the budget definitely shows, and the style is non-existent, as half of Hollywood has at this point tweeted - it’s a small movie with a big heart. And I didn’t even get paid to say that!

23. Living - Why did we need essentially a shot-for-shot remake of Ikiru only set in England instead of Japan? Seriously, who is this for? It feels almost radically, defiantly, inessential. But the performances, especially Bill Nighy, are pretty great. And hey, Ikiru is a classic for a reason. So, whatever. Ultimately it was worth seeing, but this is last time I will ever write about Living again for the rest of my life.

22. Causeway - “Brian Tyree Henry, Oscar Nominee” has nice ring to it. And Jennifer Lawrence - also good at acting. Out of the little run I’m on here of nice but slight character study dramas, this feels like the best of the bunch. That may not be saying a ton, but it’s something, which also feels like a solid summary of this film.

21. All The Beauty And The Bloodshed - Scalding hot take: Nan Golden seems like a bit of a tough hang. Take that’s not hot at all: the Sackler family are evil pieces of shit. And sure, getting you emotionally riled up about their awfulness is sort of a layup, but by combining it with Nan Golden’s incredible life story, tough hang though she may be, this movie 360 windmill dunks it.

20. Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio - Not a del Toro person, never going to be a del Toro person, just not my vibe, and truly baffled as to why he spent his time making the millionth adaptation of a story no one was asking to see remade, but damn if the result isn’t impressive. It may not be my thing, and it’s honestly  unclear who it’s audience exactly is supposed to be, but the level of care and craft on display is undeniably worthy of praise. Indifferent towards the player, but respect the hell out of the game.

19. Fire of Love - It’s almost impossible to watch this movie and not think the whole time about how you’re watching two Wes Anderson characters. Which is fitting because the style of this movie is more notable than the substance. But what stye it is. And although I said it’s somewhat lacking in substance, it does get at one very important and universal truth: don’t go chasing volcanoes.

18. Turning Red - As a massive Pixar fanboy it’s been a while since they’ve had a script that rose to the standards of their glory days, but I think this finally does the trick. The movie is visually a little too frantic and busy for my taste, but I’m also not its target audience, so that’s fine. It has something real and original to say to a demographic that I have aged out of and that’s more than valid. Teen and tween audiences need real art too, and not just pandering dreck. So while maybe this movie wasn’t one of my personal favorites of the year, it feels good to be able to roll up my sleeves and show my #TeamPixar tattoo with pride once again.

17. RRR - There’s a warning before this film that no actual animals were harmed because all the animals are CGI, which is hilarious because there’s no way anyone could possibly think anything in this movie was real, including the human beings. It’s definitely the first massive budget blockbuster action spectacular that also feels like they used non-union actors. Which is fitting because it’s as much video game as it is a movie. I absolutely admire the hell out of the craft, the ambition, originality, and fight choreography on display, but bottom line is that a movie where a guy punches a tiger in the face with a fist that’s on fire is just fundamentally never going to be My Thing. The musical numbers, especially Naatu Naatu, are truly electric though, and if you’re a 16-year-old boy bump this ranking up infinity places.

16. The Batman - This is why we can’t have nice things. You make a superhero movie that feels like it was done by an actual human rather than a committee, with great interesting acting choices, a real visual style, and a distinct dark aesthetic that feels like it enhances the specific story being told rather than the demands of some larger universe, and it makes money, but it leaves no cultural footprint. This coming and going without seeming to leave a mark shows that it’s not the Batman movie we deserved, but it was for sure the one I needed, and it deserved better.

15. Elvis - It’s important to preface this by saying that as a theater kid I’m a Baz Lurhman fan. R&J? Seminal movie of my adolescence and a huge reason I still love Shakespeare today. Moulin Rouge? Own it on a worn-out special edition DVD. The Great Gatsby? Underrated! Australia? Sure! So your milage may understandably vary, and I get that. I totally see all the flaws. But damn if Baz making a movie ABOUT music doesn’t just bypass all my critical facilities and go straight to my pleasure center. Is this movie what cocaine is like? Anyway, it’s not GOOD, but also, for me, it’s great. And if Austin Butler winds up winning the Oscar I’m gonna feel pretty proud of walking out of the theater after seeing Elvis back in the summer and calling my shot

14. All Quiet on the Western Front - I do firmly believe the famous Truffaut quote that there’s no such thing as an anti-war movie. But this is the exception to that rule. Like West Side Story last year, it pulls off the miraculous task of remaking a movie that didn’t need remaking while yet also justifying its own existence. And while it now feels like we’ve officially reached the end point of war movie verisimilitude, what an exclamation point to cap off the journey. It’s truly insane WWI ever happened, and if only we could go back in time and show them this film, it never would have. It’s that powerful.

13. Avatar: The Way of Water - There’s nothing I’m more out on in movies than when one CGI thing is fighting another CGI thing. Yet when the whole movie is CGI things fighting CGI things? Apparently I’m all the way in.

Look the story is dumb, and the dialogue is stilted, and the mythology this world is trying to build feels pretty cringe, but by god is this movie gorgeous to look at and an absolute technical marvel. And the final third of this movie is some of the best action filmmaking I’ve seen in a very long time. James Cameron, incredible stager of action sequences, who knew? Strap on some 3D glasses, see this on an IMAX screen on a Friday night in a crowded theater, and try not to be entertained, I dare you.

12. All That Breathes - I do this insane project of watching every single Oscar nominee every year because without fail it exposes me to one or two or three movies I fall in love with that I wouldn’t have ever seen otherwise. Well that, and also because there’s something wrong with my brain. But most often these wonderful finds are documentaries, for example: Attica, Time, Minding the Gap, and my beloved Honeyland. Much like Honeyland, my find this year, All That Breathes, is about something simple - in this case its two brothers running a Mumbai bird hospital instead of Honeyland’s Macedonian beekeeper - but like with that film, as it slowly reveals itself, it turns out to really be about Everything All At Once. Family, geopolitics, the climate crisis, religion, interconnectedness - truly all that breathes. Great film, and can’t wait to see what subtly beautiful Senegalese goat herder documentary I fall in love with in 2023.

11. Top Gun: Maverick - The platonic ideal of a summer blockbuster. This is not my kind of movie at all, and yet I even I was won over. Resistance is impossible. Picking nits is pointless. Because sure it’s as by the numbers as they come yet, wow is that counting fun. It almost single handedly justifies the concept of just turning your brain off and having a good escapist time at the movies. But most importantly for me, it just makes me feel good about never wavering in one of my deepest held beliefs: Jennifer Connelly is the most attractive human being who has ever lived. 

10. Women Talking - Here’s to truth in advertising. No one who can read titles can say they didn’t know EXACTLY what they walking into with this film. But what great talking it is. And what great women! Although ::poking his head the slightest bit humanly possible out from behind the world’s largest bush:: the one truly transcendent performance in the film for me was Ben Wishaw. But everyone was great really. And fitting that the only great play adaptation of the year wasn’t a play adaptation at all. It was just a true ensemble working together to tell an important story in urgent and poetic language in a purposely claustrophobic setting. It’s a real shame then that this film seems to be evaporating from the collective consciousness before it ever even made its way in, because it’s actually the one thing we should all be doing more of: watching women talking.

9. TAR - As a card carrying elitist film snob it pains me as much to rank TAR this low as it does for you to see it here. And there was a point, maybe about two hours into the movie, where it seemed like it was ending, and I thought to myself “what a masterpiece!”. But the problem is it didn’t end there. It kept going. And the last part of this film, the part that some people online think is supposed to be a dream or whatever, just absolutely does not work for me. And wow oh wow does it feel like the absolute last scene isn’t just beamed in from a totally different movie but from a totally different planet. It’s the exact opposite of sticking the landing. That being said, Todd Field is an actual genius, the dialogue is in a league of its own, and it’s fitting Cate Blanchett is probably not going to win the Oscar because an Oscar feel almost beneath her performance. But still…that last 20 minutes. So please don’t tar me, but #9 it is.

8. Triangle of Sadness - I think all the time about Connor Oberst performing his anti-Bush song “When the President Talks to God” years ago on The Tonight Show. This dense, well-written song with no chorus and no hooks that got what can best be described as polite applause. And I remember thinking, good song, but what is the point of it? It will reach absolutely no one who doesn’t already hate Bush. You know what will? Green Day writing a song literally called “American Idiot” about how the president is, well, an American idiot, but it has a sing-along chorus that kicks ass. And I think about that when people criticize Triangle of Sadness for being too obvious, because you know what - it absolutely kicks ass. 

On paper, sure, people quoting Lenin and Reagan back at each other while rich people throw up on each other on a luxury cruise is embarrassingly on the nose, but in practice, watching it play out on screen in a movie theater full of people, I was laughing so hard I could barely feel my face, let alone my nose. And all the chatter about how this movie makes obvious points about how rich people are bad feels like it comes from people who wrote the movie off half-way thru, because it totally misses the third act, which is the complicated, thorny, and dark heart of the film. (Justice for Dolly de Leon!)

Look, maybe this wasn’t your cup of tea, but anecdotally, talking to people from all areas of my life, especially people younger than me, this is BY FAR the movie from this year that people bring up to me the most. And they always say how its themes were thought-provoking and important and worth watching. And to me that’s proof of my belief that what may on paper come off as obvious, is in fact the year’s catchiest chorus.

7. Babylon - Is it the best movie of the year? No. Would I personally give it my hypothetical Oscar vote? Definitely not. Should it win best picture? Don’t be absurd. But would I give up all my worldly possessions to a join a new religion where we move out to the woods and chant the name Babylon up to the heavens 12 hours a day? Absolutely! 

Babylon is like if one of Stephon’s clubs was a movie - this film has everything: an alligator attack, a guy eating a live mouse, a Jean Smart monologue about existentialism, Margot Robbie projectile vomiting on someone’s face, footage from the 1982 film Tron. It’s as though someone told Damien Chazelle this was going to be the final movie ever made and he somehow, miraculously, aced the assignment. It’s definitely one of the most movie movies ever to movie. It feels weird to not be typing about this movie strictly in all caps. And if you think this movie is majorly flawed, well, sure, probably, but you’re missing the point. MOVIES!!!!

My head knows I cant rank this any higher than #7, but in my heart? Well, what’s a ranking higher than #1? #-100? In my heart this was the -100th best movie of the year.

6. Close - A stunningly beautiful and heartbreaking movie from what feels like a major new voice in Lukas Dhont. A movie that pulls off the magic trick of somehow making you feel deeply sympathetic towards those trapped in the prison of masculinity, rather than angry about the toxicity of it. And speaking of magical - in the year of great child actor performances the two in this movie are the best of them all. Just an absolute gem of a movie. Go see Close.

5. Aftersun - If TAR botched its ending, then Aftersun is the gymnastics judges crossing out their 10s and writing in 11s of sticking your landing. Because, spoiler alert, but the final scene of this movie is maybe the best use of a pre-existing popular song in film history. That sounds like hyperbole, but I was literally shaking with emotion during “Under Pressure”. It’s my new go-to need-a-good-cry YouTube clip. And a quiet film about a childhood experience where nothing much happens and it’s all subtext until finally one incredible scene of intense emotion is so totally my shit that it feels like I excreted it from my own colon. Was it maybe a little TOO quiet in parts? Perhaps. And the framing device didn’t TOTALLY work. But still, Charlotte Wells being able to compete with this film in the best the First Feature category at awards shows feels unfair. It’s so confident and expertly crafted that I feel like she’s a future My Favorite Director just waiting to happen.

4. Everything Everywhere All At Once - Sure you can make the argument it’s a hat on an infinite number of hats, but HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THOSE FUCKING HATS!!!! The inventiveness, originality, and utter chaos on display in a movie that’s about to win Best Picture is truly mind-blowing. It’s like a Jackson Pollock of ideas. When they say they don’t make em like that anymore, this is the exact opposite of what they’re talking about.

3. The Banshees of Inisherin - Barry Keoghan might be my favorite actor working today, Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson are the new dysfunctional Hepburn and Tracy, and Kerry Condon should win all the Oscars. But for me this movie is all about the script. That fecking script. Laugh out loud funny, endlessly quotable, and utterly heartbreaking. I mean, Martin McDonagh - good at writing things, who knew? Plays shouldn’t be movies, but maybe more movies should be by writers of plays.

2. Marcel the Shell With Shoes On - I want to have a genetic mutation causing me to have more thumbs just so I can give this more than two thumbs up. This movie is a miracle. How did a super twee one-joke YouTube short become the most moving and heartfelt mediation on family and connection and existentialism I’ve seen in a long time? It still doesn’t seem possible and yet I’ve seen it with my own tear-stained eyes. I can’t compare it to any movie I’ve ever seen before and I can’t imagine anything quite like it will ever come along again. And most miraculous of all, if it moves even a slight inch in any other direction it becomes cloying, or sappy, or obvious, or any multitude of other sins, yet it’s in such total control of its tone it’s like watching Lydia Tar conduct a tone orchestra. And finally, if the scene where Marcel finally finds his family didn’t totally turn you into a sobbing mess than you yourself might be a shell, or at least have one for a heart. I cried, I laughed uproariously, and I fell in love with an animated shell with shoes on - what more could you possibly want out of a film?

1. The Fabelmans - Is this the movie that I feel most passionate about from 2022? No. Read what I had to say about most of the past 10 entries for proof. I’m honestly surprised to see this here, and I’m the one making the list. But here’s the thing: my favorite film of 2017 was Lady Bird. Of 2018 was Eighth Grade. Of 2019 was Little Women. I’m nothing if not consistent in my total love of and weakness for a coming of age story. We all have our things. And one this well shot, and scored, and written, and acted, and DIRECTED - I dunno what to tell you. This was the movie that best combined quality of filmmaking with emotional connection for me personally. It had the most scenes I loved, the most performances I enjoyed, the most shots I marveled at. It seems like it wasn’t for everyone, and as the years pass I have a feeling this ranking might change, but for right now, thinking back on the year in film, I have a hot take to end things on: Steven Spielberg knows how to fucking make a great movie.

SHORTS

My Year of Dicks (animated)

Ice Merchants (animated)

The Boy, the Mole, the Fox, and the Horse (animated)

Haulout (doc)

An Ostrich Told Me The World Is Fake And I Think I Believe It (animated)

The Elephant Whisperers (doc)

How Do You Measure A Year? (doc)

The Red Suitcase (live action)

The Flying Sailor (animated)

Le Pupille (live action)

An Irish Goodbye (live action)

The Martha Mitchell Effect (doc)

Ivalu (live action)

Stranger at the Gate (doc)

Night Ride (live action)

[denimbex1986]

'It’s tragic that Andrew Hague’s All Of Us Strangers wasn’t nominated for a single Oscar. honestly, it’s a travesty. Considering the widespread praise this film has had, the only possible reason could be the belief that this is just another gay movie, and that would be such a mistake.

Andrew Scott plays a man who lives in England in one of those new condo buildings where no one else has moved in. Except one day, he finds a neighbor, who lives on another floor. Lost in their loneliness, these two connect, which sparks something within Scott, and he basically returns to his childhood home. the difference is, nothing has changed, and everything is as he left it, including his parents, who were killed in a car accident when he was a child.

While this film is about a gay man who gets to have conversations he never had with his parents, including about his sexuality, Andrew Hague has tapped into something within all of us. Much like how Selene Song realized how many people likely have relationships with too much distance, and wanted to ask the question of what would happen if that distance was closed thanks to social media after all those years, Hague taps into regret. He sees within all of us, gay or straight, that we all likely have something left unsaid with someone, possibly a parent, or another loved one, or even a friend, and the opportunity to return to that moment and have those conversations could be amazingly life changing.

It’s not all about being gay, but so much about his life after their death, as they live in a moment trapped in time before they passed, so even though they speak to the fully grown version of him, to them, its as if he just grew from a little boy and yet they don’t react with any level of shock. He can just have these conversations no matter how real they are, which Hague lets you decide, without any walls between.

It’s possible that Scott, whose character is a writer, is using this as a cathartic fantasy, but Hague also leaves open the door the possibility that this is really happening. So if you’ve ever passsed by your theatre showing All Of Us Strangers while people are crying walking out, it’s a tremendous experience, and one I was glad to have had in theatres. the audio description is done by someone, but i honestly didn’t stay through the credits. Bathrooms win sometimes. But, this moved me, and while I wasn’t fully sobbing, I was fighting this. Choked up, for sure.

On a personal note, it made me think of people I had lost, and that conversation I would have loved to have one more time. I lost a really good friend some years prior, and I distinctly remember being in a dream that night, which was about something else entirely, but he showed up in my dream, told me everything was OK, and left. The logical part in my head tells me that my brain did that for me, but it just felt like I was stepping out of the dream for a minute to have this conversation, and in some odd way I’ve always held that as a reason for me finding some peace for someone who died far too soon. So, while I didn’t quite reach the level of being compelled by the narrative of Past Lives, I understood it, and I can say that this is right in the same path.

Sadly, people aren’t watching it, and I fear because the lead is a gay man. But, not everyone wants to share that with the person or family member that’s gone. If I could have all the conversations I wanted to have, only some of them would I feel the need to bring up my sexuality, but others would be about how i should have called them back, or I should have tried harder. Guilt and regret drive the emotional weight of All Of Us Strangers, which is easily one of the best films of the year.

The performances are pretty damn good, with Claire Foy being given possibly the most heartbreaking moment of all between her and Scott. Jamie Bell has a great moment too. while I ahven’t mentioned how Paul Mescal works in this film, he is in quite a bit of it, and he seems like the unsung supporting character, much like how John Megarro was for past Lives.

You owe yourselves this film. We all need a good cry sometimes. Just the other day, someone who is really just starting to get into film asked me for films that were a good cry, and this was on my list. Exceptional work, and one the Academy will regret years from now having not nominated.

Final Grade: A'

[live-laugh-lesbian80083]

I'm taking requests!

Rules:

send any request you have to me through the comments on this post or my inbox

I write mainly fluff but I can also do angst (it's not the best) however I cannot do smut. (I tried and it ended up as a shit show)

first come first serve

I write all types of relationships including x reader, wlw, wlm, mlm, polyamorous, and ships

I write for:

Dear Evan Hansen

Evan Hansen

Connor Murphy

Zoe Murphy

Jared Kleinman

Be More Chill

Michael Mell

Jeremy Heere

Rich Goranski

Newsies

Davey Jacobs

Crutchie

Race

Spot

West Side Story

Riff

Baby John

Marvel

Bucky Barnes

Steve Rogers

Tony Stark

Peter Parker (Tom, Andrew, or Tobey)

Loki Laufeyson

Kate Bishop

Agatha Harkness

Dr Stephen Strange

Steven Grant

Marc Spector

Jake Lockley

Harry Potter

Cedric Diggory

Neville Longbottom

Sirius Black

Remus Lupin

Newt Scamander

The Hunger Games

Finnick Odair

Johanna Mason

Dune

Paul Atreides

Duke Leto Atreides

Stranger Things

Peter Ballard

Billy Hargrove

Eddie Munson

Jonathan Byers

Steve Harrington

Robin Buckley

Gareth Emerson

Argyle

The Last Of Us

Joel Miller

Ellie Williams

Jurassic Park

Tim Murphy

Queen - Band

Roger Taylor

John Deacon

Brian May

The Beatles

Paul McCartney

George Harrison

Tangled

Flynn Rider

Atypical

Casey Gardner

The Inheritance Games

Avery Grambs

Grayson Hawthorne

Heathers (Movie)

Jason Dean

Veronica Sawyer

Actors

Mike Faist

Laura Dreyfuss

Sebastian Stan

Chris Evans

Tom Holland

Andrew Garfield

Joe Mazzello

Oscar Isaac

Miscellaneous

Woodland Demars

I might do some other characters/people if you ask me. these are just the ones I've written before

If you don’t know what to request, I got some prompts you can choose from below. Just make sure in your request to specify which prompt from which list!

General Prompts

It’s really not that complicated

Close the door

It’s three in the morning

I should have told you a long time ago

Why are you helping me?

You have to leave right now

Just trust me

I’ve been waiting a long time

We could get arrested for this

What were you thinking about?

I thought you were dead

You’re never going to let that go, are you?

Was that supposed to hurt?

I can explain

I don’t believe you

He/She/They was/were never mine, but losing him/her/them broke my heart

How do you destroy a monster without becoming one?

I’m afraid you’ll end up seeing me the way I see myself

He/she/they lived to be the greatest

Don’t ever forget me. Please.

The world stopped breathing that night

Everything here can kill you, but I can do it most efficiently

Don’t tell me to give up like everything is meaningless

I buy a personality

I screwed up

And maybe in the end, I was meant to be alone...

You’ll never see how toxic someone is until you breathe fresh air

I just want to go somewhere where nobody knows my name

All the memories come back, but they never do

If your treated like a monster for long enough you become one

Nightmares keeping you awake too?

There, there, it's okay, don't cry

Shh It's okay now, I'm here

I will always be here for you. Never forget that

Don't you ever forget that I am always here

If you ever feel alone, don't because I'm right here

I Literally Scraped My Knee Falling For You

Angst Prompts

Shut up

I can't believe you would do this to me. After everything I've done for you

Give it back

No.

I can't even look at you

You could have just told me

You're just a kid

I'm done

Stop talking to me

Stop coming back

I don't care

Please just let me go

Do you love him/her/them?

I can't love you

I used to think love was real

But in the end I was not the boy/girl/person he/she/they fell in love with

I always knew I would end up being the one who got hurt

If only I had spoken up to him/her/them the first day I saw him/her/them. Maybe we would have been friends and maybe we would have fallen in love. But I didn't talk to him/her/them and we weren't friends and we didn't fall in love. He/she/they found someone else. I can only blame myself

I tried not to fall in love with him/her/them

Can you please stop?

Why did you come back?

Go away

What you said really hurt

I can't do this anymore

I'm not fine. I know I said I was but I'm not

I can't love you. I don't know how

Help.

I have no choice

I had no choice

And with those words, he/she/they left

You're hurting me

You have to choose

Here. You can have it back

Kissing me won't make this go away

To think I trusted you...

I miss your smile

Don't you remember?

I never want to look at you again

You weren't there when I needed you most

How can one person be the source of so much pain?

You’re my regret

Watch me

Don't cry, everything will work out

Please don't cry, I'm so sorry

Fluffy Prompts

You deserve someone who values you

I've known you sense, forever. I can't imagine my life without you

We can't be friends anymore. I will always see you as something else

I don't like him/her/them. I like you

You're a wonderful person, never forget that

He/she/they has/have no idea what they're missing

Sure there are people out there who lobe you. I do

The lucky guy/girl/person who wins your heart will be so lucky

If it wasn't for you, I would be lost. I'm so glad you came into my life

I'd do anything for you

If I was your boy/girl friend, I'd pepper you with kisses and gifts and spoil you so badly

I've been thinking about you a lot lately

Are you jealous of (character/person)

Can you picture it? You and I together?

'Us' I like the sound of that

You always know what to say

My family thinks we're dating...

You’re in love with her/him/them

Come here

Love is overrated

I’ve missed this

Didn’t you guys used to be best friends?

[nyeddleblog]

My Fanfics so far...!

Hello, I know I haven't uploaded much in here for a while, but I would like to share to you my upcoming projects in case you're interested. I normally use Wattpad, because it's the platform I'm most used to (I've been using it since I was eleven years old); and it's the one that gives me the tools to conceptualize my stories the way I want to.

(I know people don't really think that Fanfiction is real writing, but for me it is! And I conceptualize my whole stories, create my characters very deeply and construct a whole universe around them. You could also check my pinterest to check their respective moodboards because, being a designer, conceptualization is everything for me)

Most of these have only one or two chapters uploaded, but the whole story is settled and I only have the writing left.

Amortentia. (A Marauders Fanfiction)

A story in which a muggleborn tries to get a grasp on her surroundings and gains more reasons to fear the unknown, as well as it slowly lures her in. Settled during the Marauders era, and going from first year to the years after Hogwarts.

LIRWELL AND ANGEL'S PORT SERIES.

The Lirwell and Angel's Port series is a saga of Fanfictions intertwined, that occur inside the same universe, and mainly inside the city "Lirwell" and the town "Angel's Port". It's filled with horror and paranormal shit because that's my jam. Both cities are fictional and created by me. It has a lot of lore, so I would recommend to read them all. Coven. (A My Chemical Romance Fanfiction) A story settled in 2008. It's a paranormal college Au, in which the band sees themselves tangled with a coven of witches inside an unsettling city where everything seems to go wrong. Copycat. (An Andrew Garfield, Robert Pattinson and Tom Sturridge Fanfiction) A story settled in 2014. It's about a horror podcast and how their hosts keep defying the current serial killer in the city that keeps coming closer and closer to them. Demonia. (An Oscar Isaac Fanfiction) A story settled in the present day, where Simone and Oscar work together but she slowly submerges into paranoia when she starts studying demonology. Truth. (A Kit Harington Fanfiction) A story settled in the present day. It's about an ambitious journalist lured by the darkness that surrounds this city and a young policeman that keeps giving testimony of extraterrestrial sightings. Poltergeist. (A Tom Holland and Timothée Chalamet Fanfiction) A story settled in the present day. About a three college students living inside a haunted house, where one believes, one doesn't and the other is just tired. Unknown. (A Finn Wolfhard Fanfiction) A story settled in the present day. This story is about a girl who is new in town, discovering the marveling world surrounding her, and a boy trying to lure her into hunting cryptids with him. Blood. (A Louis Partridge Fanfiction) A story settled in the present day, where Pascal finds Louis, who disappeared a week before, and shelters him from the serial killer who kidnapped him.

Chaos. (A Marvel Fanfiction)

Gabriela Espiga is a fashion designer who doesn't know how to say no, and has to create a full set of suits for different superheroes to get their protection.

Creation. (Another Marvel Fanfiction)

In which a group of girls that should have died gains superpowers and try to create a group to help each other.

Cryptic (A Moon Knight Fanfiction)

In which Victoria Martínez is scammed and sees herself forced to share an apartment with a crappy roommate as she slowly falls in love with the neighbor next door. (Don't be fooled, it's quite dark)

I Fell In Love With a War. (An Adrian Chase Fanfiction)

In which Jolene Singh is being blackmailed by her boss but Vigilante offers to kill him; but her emotional instability surpasses her.

Watercolor Eyes. (An Edward Nashton Fanfiction)

In which Edward Nashton and Amelia Lin met each other when they were little and now she became everything he hates.

A Cure I Know. (A Battinson Fanfiction)

In which Bruce Wayne has to deal with an eleven year old girl appearing on his doorstep and calling him dad; and his PR Manager keeps bothering him about being more 'approachable'. (Based on this post)

[raeynbowboi]

Dating Disney: Beauty and the Beast

Beauty and the Beast features my favorite love story and my favorite Disney Princess, so it holds a very special spot in my heart. So, it’s worth looking into the film to decide when the Movie is supposed to be set.

During the opening musical number “Belle”, Belle is telling the Baker about the book she’s been reading. She’s clearly describing Jack and the Beanstalk, the earliest version being the tale of “Jack Spriggins and the Enchanted Bean” in 1734. But she also deliberately mentions an ogre, not a giant. Near as I could find, the only version with an ogre was written by Joseph Jacobs in 1890, making Belle nearly contemporary to modernity. Belle’s excitement over the book is likely a sign that this is a new story.

During the same musical number, we see a sign depicting a tobacco pipe, but unlike with the Calabash pipe from the Little Mermaid movie. I could place it to possibly be a Billiard type, but the exact era of creation escapes me. However, tobacco pipes have been around as long as Tobacco has been introduced to European trade, starting in the 16th century.

The history of colored printing goes as far back as the 16th century, and there are illustrations from the early 1700s with an impressive variety of color that help establish a stronger time period. The book also shows the words Le Prince Charmant or Prince Charming. Prince Charming started being used in 1697 in Charles Perrault’s version of Sleeping Beauty, although there, Prince Charming was not a name. Rather, Perrault stated that the Prince was charmed by her words. The first story to use Prince Charming as a name is the Tale of Pretty Goldilocks. It was written at some point in the 17th Century by Madame d’Aulnoy, but in her version the hero was named Avenant. It wasn’t until 1889 when Andrew Lang retold the story that Avenant was dubbed as Charming. One year later in 1890, Oscar Wilde used the term “Prince Charming” sarcastically in his novel “The Picture of Dorian Gray”, meaning that the term had gotten its more modern meaning by this point in time.

Gaston’s musket is a Blunderbuss, which was invented in the early 1600′s and remained popular through the 18th century before falling out of fashion in the middle of the 19th century. However, considering Belle states that this is a backwards town and Gaston is an old-fashioned, Primeval man, it’s possible he’s using a largely outdated weapon.

While there are no street lamps in the city, we can see in the background lanterns on the sides of buildings, which might allude to the movie taking place before the invention of gas lamps. However, gas lamps were invented in 1809, and if the version of Jack and the Beanstalk is from 1890, then by all accounts the town should have gas lamps. What this amounting evidence is leading me to believe is that the film is directly following the plot of the original fairy tale.

In the story, Beauty’s father is a merchant who loses his fortune due to a storm destroying his cargo. They’re forced to live on a farm until the merchant stumbles upon the Beast’s castle and kick starts the plot. In the opening song, Belle says “every morning’s just the same, since the morning that we came, to this poor, provincial town.” This could mean that she grew up in a much more modern, urban, and progressive town. Possibly even Paris. But that after Maurice suffered severe financial trouble, he was forced to move them to the small, backwards town that was practically living an entire century behind the rest of France, which is why she’s so bored and unimpressed by the little town. It helps explain why she’s so eager to want to get out of this town and see the world. She wants to be part of the modern world again.

Interestingly, I can support this theory with background information. According to some of my research, Belle’s village was based on the little town of Riquewihr, France, which still looks like it did in the 16th century to this day. So the idea that Belle’s little village lacks so many modern elements could be a nod to the architecture of this sleepy French village that has remained largely untouched by the march of time. Hence why it looks more like something out of the 1700s despite the many elements from the 1800s being present.

During the song “Be Our Guest”, Lumiere dances with a match stick. Match sticks were invented in 1805. Assuming the film still takes place in the 1890s, this would be concurrent with the other evidence we’ve seen thus far. Later in the same song, the silverware makes an Eiffel tower, which was constructed in 1889. Since Jack and the Beanstalk was written after that, it still fits within the suspected time frame.

During the climax of the battle, Cogsworth is wearing military garments reflective of Napoleonic styles. Napoleon was coronated in 1804 until 1814, had a brief return to power in 1815, and eventually died in 1821. So this is also congruent to the established time period.

In the Youtube Video “Fashion Expert Fact Checks Belle from Beauty and the Beast’s Costumes” by Glamour, April Calahan, a Fashion Historian from the Fashion Institute of Technology directly noted that Belle’s yellow gown lacks the shape of a proper 18th century dress, and more closely resembles the shape of 19th century dresses, fitting into the evidence that’s been mounting in support of a late 19th century setting.

As a part of his primary costume, Lefou wears a waistcoat and tailcoats, which came into vogue in the 1800s, namely from the 1840s through the 1850s.

But if the film is set in the 1800s, how can the Beast still be a prince after the French Revolution? Well something worth noting is that when he finds out that Belle isn’t coming to dinner, the Beast storms through the halls to her room as Cogsworth calls after him as “Your Eminence” and “Your Grace”. The address of “Your Eminence” is reserved for Cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church, and is an ecclesiastical style of address. “Your Grace” is noticeably an English style of address, but it’s being used by Cogsworth who is British, so I can chalk that up to just part of his culture. Although it was used for British monarchs, it fell out of use during the reign of King Henry VIII (1509-1547) and after that, the use of “Your Grace” became used to address archbishops and non-royal Dukes and Duchesses. Now clearly the Beast is not a cardinal or a bishop, especially if he is looking for the love of a woman to make him human, since it’s forbidden for Catholic priests to marry. So clearly that is not what is meant here. But the other answer actually does hold a bit of weight. Beast’s father was in fact, a Duke. So how is the Beast a prince? He’s not. Not entirely. See, there’s more than one kind of Prince in French nobility. There’s a Prince du Sang, or a Prince by Blood. Effectively, the Crown Prince, the sons of ruling monarchs. But the title is also given to lords in charge of a Principality, one of the smallest territorial sizes. The Beast’s principality probably only extends to having power over the little unnamed village. And with it being after the revolution, Beast might not even have the proper use of his title anymore. He’s effectively a rich kid in a fancy house with no real authority or power. He’s just old money from a by-gone era of human history. But if Beast’s address of “Your Grace” is accurate, that would mean that he’s a non-royal Duke, meaning he would not likely have been executed during the Revolution, as his family would have essentially been governors or senators than actual monarchs. They just had jurisdiction over a small piece of the Kingdom of France and reported back to and obeyed the orders of their King. Thus, he would not have been important enough to be killed or chased out of power by the townsfolk.

CONCLUSION

The movie is set between the late autumn and early-to-mid winter of 1890. Although the snow is gone when Belle returns to the village, the trees are still bare, signaling that it may just be unseasonably warm, though it could be the very early spring of 1891 between the receding of the snow and the blossoming of new spring foliage. Between the books, clothing, and references made, my conclusion is that Belle is a very modern girl living in a backwards little town stuck in the past, thus why a village in 1890 looks so completely lacking in modern technology despite the era. The Prince is nothing more than a fancy title as the son of a Duke, and he likely has very little if any actual government authority. Essentially, Belle married into wealth, not power, and will never be a proper queen, and I’m not sure if the wife of a lord ruling a principality is a princess or not, but I suspect the answer is no. Making Belle, like Mulan, a Disney Princess who did not marry royalty, was not born royalty, and thus, cannot be called a Disney Princess. She’s definitely a noblewoman, but she’s not royal by any means.

SETTING: Riquewihr, France

KINGDOM: The French Republic (France)

YEAR: Autumn, 1890 - Spring, 1891

PERIOD: The Third Republic (1870-1940)

LANGUAGE: French

[obtusemedia]

Ranking Lady Gaga's albums, from worst to best

Being a Lady Gaga fan can be an exercise in frustration.

Gaga is far more ambitious than most popstars — I doubt we’ll ever see Ariana Grande or Ed Sheeran make an album as left-field as Born This Way or ARTPOP. But she's also far less consistent, with numerous misbegotten projects.

Gaga's undeniably successful, with five #1 hits, an Oscar and multiple iconic music videos to her name. But her messy album rollouts and tradition of underperforming lead singles make her feel like an underdog compared to the more polished, precise careers of her contemporaries like Taylor Swift, Beyoncé or Bruno Mars.

Gaga is kind of a mess. But she's our mess. This album ranking will cover some records I can't stand — albums that make me constantly hit the fast-forward button, or albums I ignore altogether. But there isn't a single record on here that wasn't a bold move. Even the "back to basics" albums made strong aesthetic choices.

So let's dive into the career of the most fascinating Millennial popstar.

#8: Cheek To Cheek (2014)

This really shouldn't count. It's a Lady Gaga album in name only. But, technically it's a Gaga album, so here we are.

I've got nothing against Gaga having fun playing Rat Pack-era dress-up with Tony Bennett. She's a theatre kid at heart, and I'm sure every theatre kid would kill to make a Great American Songbook covers record like this. It sounds like she and Tony enjoyed themselves, so I'm happy for them!

...but I'm sorry. I can't be objective about Cheek To Cheek, it's the opposite of my taste. There's only so many bland lounge ballads I can take.

BEST SONGS: I have to pick one? "Anything Goes" is cute, I guess.

WORST SONG: "Sophisticated Lady"

#7: A Star Is Born (2018)

Let me first make this clear — A Star Is Born, the movie starring Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga? It's a masterpiece. It's electrifying and tragic and I'm still upset it didn't sweep the Oscars that year. There's even a cute dog! You won't hear me say a bad word about it.

But A Star Is Born, the accompanying soundtrack? It's extremely hit-and-miss.

Yes, it includes arguably Gaga's best-ever song and one of the greatest movie hits ever written, "Shallow." And there's plenty of other great tunes in the tracklist too — "Always Remember Us This Way," "I'll Never Love Again," the "La Vie En Rose" cover.

Even the country-rock songs from Bradley Cooper (who, reminder, is not a professional singer) are mostly good! "Black Eyes" RIPS, and "Maybe It's Time" feels like a long-lost classic.

But sadly, there are so many mediocre filler tracks on this thing. The second half of A Star Is Born's hour-plus runtime (Gaga's longest!) is padded with generic songs like "Look What I've Found," "Heal Me" and "I Don't Know What Love Is." The only good one out of the bunch is the silly, intentionally-bad "Why Did You Do That?"

In the movie, these filler tracks serve a point – they're meant to show Gaga's character selling out. They work in the movie when you hear them for a few seconds and see Cooper make a drunkly disappointed scowl. But I don't want to listen to them, and sadly, they make up half the album.

In other words — A Star Is Born would've made an incredible six or seven-song EP. But as an 63-minute-long record? It's a slog.

BEST SONGS: "Shallow", "Always Remember Us This Way," "Maybe It's Time"

WORST SONG: "Heal Me"

#6: Joanne (2016)

After Born This Way and ARTPOP, I get why Gaga needed to make a more lowkey, back-to-basics album. I also understand that many of these songs have extremely personal lyrics for her.

But is a down-to-earth album what I really want from our most outré popstar? Not really.

Luckily, Joanne is better than that description suggests. Yes, there are some bland acoustic ballads and awkward hippie-era throwbacks (two styles that are really not in Gaga's wheelhouse), but there's also some Springsteen-style heartland rockers! And those go hard in the paint.

Joanne works best when Gaga works the record's dusty aesthetics into her brand of weirdo pop, like on the sizzling "John Wayne," the winking "A-YO" or the delightfully extra Florence Welch duet "Hey Girl."

The record also has "Perfect Illusion" — a glorious red herring of a lead single that sounds nothing like anything else on Joanne. It's a roided-up mixture of woozy Tame Impala production and hair metal histrionics, and it rules. It might be Gaga's best-ever lead single! (at the very least, it's her most underrated.)

And there is one slow tune that's unambiguously great: "Million Reasons," another solid Gaga lighters-in-the-air power ballad pastiche.

Despite what some Little Monsters may tell you, Joanne isn't a disaster. There's some great stuff in there, and even the worst songs are just forgettable. But it's still far from her best.

BEST SONGS: "Perfect Illusion," "Diamond Heart," "Million Reasons"

WORST SONG: "Come To Mama"

#5: Chromatica (2020)

When Chromatica was released near the start of the COVID-19 pandemic, it had been seven years since Gaga had released music in her classic gonzo-synthpop vein. I can easily picture the record serving as an "ugh fine, I'll give you what you want" response to the many Little Monsters annoyed with Gaga's half-decade of folksy ballads and Julie Andrews cosplay.

I'll say this about Chromatica — outside of The Fame Monster, it's her most consistent record. There's not a single track that's a glaring mistake. And the three singles — "Stupid Love," "911" and the triumphant Ariana Grande duet "Rain On Me" — easily stand among her best tracks.

But although "all bangers, no ballads" album sounds rad in theory, it doesn't really succeed in practice. Chromatica is solid, but it's also a very same-y record. It feels like Gaga had one really great idea for the album ('90s club music with super-depressing lyrics) and repeated it over and over and over again to diminishing results.

There are some songs that are able to separate themselves: the three singles, of course, as well as the goofy "Babylon" and "Sine From Above," the Elton John duet that's the closest Chromatica gets to a ballad. But by the end of the album, you feel more worn out than electrified.

Also — and this is probably unfair, but still — Chromatica came out just a couple months after another retro-dance blockbuster pop album: Dua Lipa's magnum opus, Future Nostalgia. That's not a flattering comparison.

BEST SONGS: "Rain On Me," "Stupid Love," "911"

WORST SONG: "1000 Doves"

#4: The Fame (2008)

Out of all of Gaga's records, The Fame is most like a time capsule. It REEKS of late '00s/early '10s pop — which isn't an entirely fair criticism, seeing as Gaga popularized that era's sleazy, synthy aesthetic. It's also not a bad thing! I don't mind a little nostalgia!

As you already know, The Fame's singles are masterworks. "Just Dance," "Poker Face," "Paparazzi" — these tracks have titanic legacies for good reason. And although it's probably the least-beloved of this album's hits, despite being a total banger, "LoveGame" should still be commended for having arguably the most Gaga lyric ever (you know, the "disco stick" line).

And even though those tracks are front-loaded on The Fame, there are some gems deeper in the tracklist. "Summerboy" is basically Gwen Stefani covering The Strokes (so obviously, it's great). "Eh, Eh" is adorable. "Starstruck" is the most 2008 song ever recorded, with aggressive Auto-Tune and Flo Rida showing up to make Starbucks jokes.

Sadly, The Fame still feels like Gaga before she became fully-formed at certain points. The back half has a number of songs that feel like generic club tracks forced by the label, and "Paper Gangsta" is one of the clunkiest songs in Gaga's catalogue.

But at the very least, the bad songs on The Fame at least serve as little nostalgia bombs for that era of pop. And the best songs are untouchable classics.

BEST SONGS: "Paparazzi," "Just Dance," "Summerboy"

WORST SONG: "Paper Gangsta"

#3: ARTPOP (2013)

For much of Gaga's career, she's been ahead of the curve. She tries something, and a year or a few years later, other popstars try something similar to diminishing results.

That doesn't just apply to the successful stuff, like Gaga's extravagant music videos inspiring many copycats from 2010-2013. It also applies to the mid-late '10s trend of legacy popstars making a controversial record with risky aesthetic or lyrical choices that backfired: reputation. Witness. Man of The Woods.

Gaga did this first, with ARTPOP — arguably the most abrasive, and bizzare major label album released by a major modern popstar. And she did it better, because unlike Swift, Perry and Timberlake, Gaga's weirdness was for real. And it was in service of some prime, hyper-aggressive bangers.

ARTPOP isn't Gaga's best work — some of her experiments on it are major misfires, from the obnoxious "Mary Jane Holland" to the bland Born This Way leftover (and Romani slur-utilizing) "Gypsy."

But when ARTPOP is on, it's ON. The opening stretch in particular, from "Aura" to "Venus" to "G.U.Y." to "Sexxx Dreams," is chaotic synthpop at its finest. Those songs took Gaga's classic sound to an apocalyptic, demented extreme, and they're fantastic.

"MANiCURE" is a great glam-rock banger, "Dope" is another classic Gaga piano ballad, the title track is some sikly-smooth dreampop; even the misguided, clunky trap anthem "Jewels N' Drugs" is bad in a hilarious, charming way!

Trust me: ARTPOP will go down in history not as a flop, but as a gutsy, underrated record from a legend. Less Witness, more In Utero.

BEST SONGS: "G.U.Y.," "Venus," "Sexxx Dreams"

WORST SONG: "Gypsy"

#2: The Fame Monster (2009)

Objectively speaking, this is probably the best Gaga album.

It's her one record with no fluff, no filler — only 34 minutes and 8 tracks, all of them stellar.

It's the record that took Gaga from "wow, this new woman is a fresh new face in pop!" to "this woman IS pop."

It's the record with her signature track, "Bad Romance," which was accompanied by arguably the greatest music video of the 21st Century. (It also has my absolute favorite Gaga track, the relentlessly catchy "Telephone.")

I don't think I need to explain what makes mega-smashes "Bad Romance" and "Telephone" and "Alejandro" great, nor the accompanying legendary deep cuts "Speechless" and "Dance In The Dark." They speak for themselves.

However — the sleek, calculated perfection of The Fame Monster, while incredible, isn't something I return to often. It's just not the side of Gaga that's my favorite. That honor would have to go to...

BEST SONGS: "Telephone," "Dance In The Dark," "Bad Romance"

WORST SONG: "So Happy I Could Die" (but it's still pretty solid)

#1: Born This Way (2011)

One of my favorite podcasts is Blank Check. The concept of the show is to analyze each movie by a famous director — in particular, those who had big success early on and then got a blank check to make whatever crazy passion project they wanted. Here's a great example: because Batman was a massive hit, Tim Burton got to make whatever Hot Topic-core movies he wanted to for decades, from Edward Scissorhands to a creepy Willy Wonka remake.

That long-winded tangent is just to say: Born This Way was Lady Gaga's blank check. By early 2011, she had conquered the pop universe, notching hit after hit after hit. Every other pop star was copying her quirky music videos. So the label let Gaga do whatever she wanted — and she didn't waste that opportunity.

Born This Way is wildly overproduced. It's both extremely trend-chasing (those synths were cutting edge at the time but charmingly dated now), but also deeply uncaring about what the teens want (I don't think Springsteen and Queen homages were big at the time). And I love every messy, overblown second of it.

From the hair-metal/synthpop hybrid opener "Marry The Night" to the majestic '80s power ballad "The Edge of Glory," Born This Way starts at an 11. And Gaga never takes her foot off the pedal for the album's entire hour-plus run time. Clanging electric guitars, thunderous synths and Clarence Clemons (!!!) sax solos collide into each other as Gaga champions every misfit and loser in the world. It's gloriously corny in the best way possible.

Born This Way is also the perfect middle ground of pop-savvy Gaga and gonzo Gaga. It doesn't go quite as hard as ARTPOP, but the hooks are stronger. And the oddball moments are tons of fun, from the sci-fi biker anthem "Highway Unicorn" to the goofy presidential-sex banger "Government Hooker" ("Put your hands on me/John F. Kennedy" might be the greatest line in pop history).

Born This Way will always be my favorite Gaga album. It's armed with nuclear-grade hooks, slamming beats, and soaring anthems. Although it's not as untouchably pristine as the Mt. Rushmore of '10s pop classics (for the record, that's 1989, EMOTION, Lemonade and, of course, Melodrama), Gaga isn't best served by meticulousness. She's proudly tacky and histrionic, and so that's what makes Born This Way an utter joy.

BEST SONGS: "The Edge of Glory," "You and I," "Marry The Night"

WORST SONG: "Bloody Mary"

[thewatsonbeekeepers]

Chapter 12: Three Men in a Boat [TFP 2/3]

[This was completely missing from my tumblr, via every search function and everything! So I’ve reuploaded - thanks anon for letting me know!!]

This section of the meta is going to deal with the events at Sherrinford – I’ve broken TFP up into three sections to try and get the most out of it. This isn’t just a read through like the first part of the meta, it has a specific structure, much like Eurus’s trials for the boys, so it’s really important to take this bit in one chapter. My hypothesis is thus – that each episode of s4 has been a different obstacle to be broken through in Sherlock’s mind, and that each of them is represented by one of the different Sherrinford tasks. It’s essentially an illumination of Sherlock’s progress through his mind – but it’s set up by Eurus, who is Sherlock’s mental barrier, so these are going to represent Sherlock’s darkest fears about each of the obstacles. Ready? Let’s go.

We take up the episode at the pirate hijacking, which is quite BAMF, but also illuminates a couple of things that we should bear in mind going into this episode. The first is that the transition from a blown up Baker Street to Sherlock and John hijacking a boat without a scratch on them is absolutely bizarre and leaves SO many questions – it’s dream-jumping of the most obvious kind. The second is that water has played a long role as a metaphor through the show, particularly in the EMP sequence, and it’s climaxing now – we are in the deepest waters of Sherlock’s mind.

Mycroft and John working together in the disguise sequence is metaphorically lovely – in the Oscar Wilde scene of the last part we saw Sherlock’s brain and heart finally coming together, and here for the first time they’re working together to give Sherlock the ability to go and confront Eurus. This is what makes Mycroft’s line so powerful. He says:

Say thank you to Doctor Watson. […] He talked me out of Lady Bracknell – this could have been very different.

Comic throwaway? Maybe. But given what we know about Lady Bracknell from the first part, this also has a more powerful meaning – heart!John finally stopped brain!Mycroft from being an obstructive force in Sherlock’s psyche, and they started working together instead to save him. This could have been very different is far more loaded than it sounds. All this whilst creating an image of Mark Gatiss as a Victorian aunt – wonderful.

When we first meet Eurus proper, her similarity to Sherlock is striking. She plays the violin – this isn’t a Holmes thing, because Mycroft doesn’t – it’s Sherlock’s motif throughout. Her hair is like a feminine Sherlock, her pallor and cheekbones match Cumberbatch. For reference, this is a picture of Sian Brooke and Benedict Cumberbatch together in real life.

I’ve done a section on why I think Eurus is the most repressed part of Sherlock’s psyche, and his traumatic barrier to love and life – I sometimes glibly refer to this as gay trauma, but that’s its essence. The similarity between Brooke and Cumberbatch in this scene is really compelling, looking the same but lit and dressed in opposite colours. Similarity and difference both highlighted. Even nicer, the white of Sherlock’s shirt is the same notable brightness as Eurus’s uniform, but it’s hidden under his jacket – a visual metaphor for her being hidden inside him.

Eurus gives Sherlock a Stradivarius as a gift. This should set alarm bells ringing for anybody who has seen TPLoSH. If you haven’t seen The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes, please do so immediately because my God you are missing out, but TLDR – a Russian ballerina offers Holmes a Stradivarius to have sex with her so she can have a brainy child, and he declines because he’s gay. (This is not just my interpretation, this is genuinely what happens, just to be clear.) Eurus giving Sherlock a Stradivarius is a deliberate callback to the film which Mofftiss cite as their biggest inspiration; just like the ballerina tempted Holmes to feign heterosexuality, so does Eurus – and both make clear that it’s not without its rewards, which is unfortunately true for real life as well. This moment in Sherlock’s psyche also recalls the desperate unrequitedness of Holmes’s love for Watson in TPLoSH, a reference to our Sherlock’s deepest fear at the moment – he has realised his importance but not John’s romantic/sexual love for him, as we’ll see. So here, trauma!Eurus isn’t just referencing closetedness, but is actively drawing on a history of character repression with which to torment Sherlock – metafictionality at its finest.

The Stradivarius is specifically associated with closetedness, but violins more generally in the show are used to show expressions of love that can’t be voiced out loud – think of John and Mary’s wedding, or the desperate bowing of ASiB. So Eurus, gay trauma that she is, telling Sherlock that she taught him to play is a moment of distinct pain – she is the reason he can’t speak his love aloud, but instead has to speak in signs.

When Sherlock plays ‘him’, rather than Bach, to Eurus (he has a big Bach thing with Moriarty in s2, take from that what you will because I don’t know!), he’s playing Irene Adler’s theme. As a fandom, we’ve generally agreed on associating Irene’s theme with sexual love, which ties in nicely with Eurus’s question – has Sherlock had sex? It’s unanswered. At the end of ASiB, Irene calls Sherlock the virgin, suggesting that he hasn’t.

My favourite moment in s4 without a doubt is Jim dancing to I Want To Break Free. I know it’s the most boring thing to say, but my two greatest loves are Andrew Scott and Freddie Mercury, so it was like Christmas. Here it is also Christmas, but there are two possible timelines. I hypothesise that this refers to Christmas 2010, but it’s absolutely conceivable that it could be Christmas 2009. If we acknowledge that Sherlock is in a coma in 2014, then five years ago is Christmas 2009; however, given that we’ve jumped to 2015 in dream time, I’m going to make the guess that Jim’s visit to Sherrinford is supposed to take place in 2010. This ties up with the idea that this is when Moriarty first started taking an interest in Sherlock, who had never heard of him before ASiP, particularly as this is all in the EMP.

I firmly believe that Jim represents the fear that John is in danger – I highlight this in the chapter on HLV, where you’ll recall we first encounter Jim in the EMP and he sends Sherlock on his journey through the EMP with the words John Watson is definitely in danger – a pretty big sign. Even without this, though, his biggest threat to Sherlock has always been hurting John, whether in TRF or with the idea of burning the heart out of him with Semtex. It’s not unreasonable then to assume that MP!Jim first getting inside Sherlock’s subconscious to represent this fear happens in 2010, when he first meets John. He slips in and stays there, and he melds with Eurus. We see this in the powerful visual of the two of them dancing in front of the glass as Jim’s image slowly becomes Eurus’s reflection – the fear of John dying embeds itself into the gay trauma that Sherlock has stored up, even without him realising it. This ties in nicely with the choice of I Want to Break Free, which is famous for its use of drag in the music video – Jim melding into Eurus is the dark side of queer genderbending that we hate to see. It’s also a pretty fitting song name for an intensifying of repressed gay trauma, even without the association with queer king Mercury.

[A side note to all of this – there were wonderful TEH metas about trains in tunnels being sexual, which isn’t just a tjlc thing but is a well-established idea in cinema – Moriarty’s consistent train noises here seem like a horrifyingly inverted version of that sexual longing.]

Task 1 – The Six Thatchers

The governor is set up as a mirror for John in this task, which provides some helpful context for the episode as a whole. Heart!John makes this comparison himself, by drawing out the similarity between the situation with the governor’s wife and his with Mary, though in this case the governor does kill himself because of his wife – or so it seems. The suicidal instinct matches with everything we’ve learned about John in s4, but I want to hypothesise, perhaps tenuously, that he’s more connected with Eurus than we might think. We know that Eurus has had control of the governor for quite some time, and one of the things we hear her saying to the governor in the background of the interrogations is that he shouldn’t trust his wife. This is an odd thing to pepper into the background when he’s about to commit suicide for her, and perhaps suggests that he’s more of Eurus’s pawn than he lets on, though I grant this may be spurious.

The idea that he distrusts his wife because of Eurus is important, however, because we’ve already seen John engage with Eurus in various forms, but this seems like an extension of E; Eurus, aka Sherlock’s hidden self, has been making John doubt Mary, even before she shoots Sherlock. John cannot know she’s a spy at this point, so it’s unlikely he’s doubting her goodwill; he’s simply doubting her.

Before we look at how the actual task impacts the governor and how that illustrates what’s really going on in TST, it’s worth pointing out that it is the governor’s engagement with Eurus which prompts the entire shutdown of Sherrinford and forces Sherlock (with brain!Mycroft and heart!John ever at his side, of course) to engage once and for all with Eurus. This points to everything that s4 has been telling us – that Sherlock’s understanding of the relationship between him and John, including his power to save him (we’re going to see the governor play the foil here) is what sends his brain into stay-alive-overdrive. Sherrinford is the peak of this.

Summary of the task, for those who hate TFP: Sherlock is given a gun and told he can pick either John or Mycroft to kill the governor, otherwise the governor’s wife will be killed by Eurus. As I’ve written about in its chapters, TST is about Sherlock trying to get to the bottom of Mary and why she tried to kill him – and, of course, the impact this will have on John. In brief, by displacing the shot onto Mary in his mind, he’s discounting his own importance and instead thinking about what it will mean for John to lose Mary. His greatest fear is that losing Mary will break John, and it isn’t until the end of TLD that he recognises that the return of John’s suicidal ideation isn’t over Mary, but over him. TFP presents the horror version, the version of TST that Sherlock’s trauma wants him to believe but which he has to overcome. In this case, Mycroft and John resolve to keep the governor alive in their passivity, but that passivity – Sherlock’s coma – is not enough to keep the governor from killing himself over Mary. This is the most feared outcome from Mary’s death that Sherlock can think of – his fear of losing John combined with John’s love of Mary, which in TST Sherlock is still taking as read.

Double naming in this show should never be neglected, and in this case we learn shortly before the governor dies that his name is David. Again, the dramatic manner in which we learn this (on the moment of execution) draws our attention to it – we know another David in this show.

Yup – Mary's ex who’s still in love with her from TSoT. So even though Sherlock is experiencing the panic of John killing himself for loss of Mary, his subconscious is still pointing out to him that that’s not what’s happening here. This mirror version of John that he has set up, who is broken by the loss of Mary as Sherlock fears in TST, is actually the other man in Mary’s life – even with Eurus forcing the worst possible scenario onto him, this still can’t quite fit John’s character. And so we move onto the second task.

Task 2 – The Lying Detective

This section of the Sherrinford saga is the three Garridebs, the closest thing that the fandom has ever got to a collective trauma. I do think, however, that it’s fully reclaimable for tjlc and means the same as we always wanted it to; I also think that it’s possibly the most gutting part of Eurus’s metatfictional power play.

If you haven’t read The Adventure of the Three Garridebs, it’s quite short and the most johnlocky of the Holmes canon, so I’d thoroughly recommend. For the purposes of mapping bbc!verse onto acd!verse, however, here’s the incredibly short version. A man called Evans wants to burgle Nathan Garrideb, so he calls himself John Garrideb and writes an advertisement from a man called Alexander Hamilton Garrideb (make of that what you will, hamilstans) declaring that he wants to bequeath his fortune to three Garridebs. “John” gets someone to pretend to be a Howard Garrideb to get Nathan out of the house to meet him – he comes to burgle the house but Holmes and Watson are lying in wait. He shoots Watson, and Holmes thinks Watson is seriously injured and so we have this wonderful section:

“You’re not hurt, Watson? For God’s sake, say you are not hurt!”

It was worth a wound–it was worth many wounds–to know the depth of loyalty and love which lay behind that cold mask. The clear, hard eyes were dimmed for a moment, and the firm lips were shaking. For the one and only time I caught a glimpse of a great heart as well as of a great brain. All my years of humble but single-minded service culminated in that moment of revelation.

“It’s nothing, Holmes. It’s a mere scratch.”

He had ripped up my trousers with his pocket-knife.

“You are right,” he cried with an immense sigh of relief. “It is quite superficial.” His face set like flint as he glared at our prisoner, who was sitting up with a dazed face. “By the Lord, it is as well for you. If you had killed Watson, you would not have got out of this room alive. Now, sir, what have you to say for yourself?”

Mofftiss have referenced this moment as being the greatest in the Holmes canon for them, the moment when we see the depth of Holmes’s affection for Watson, and so it seems odd to waste it on such a tiny moment in TFP. Many fans, myself included, were really upset to see Eurus drop all three Garridebs into the sea, the implication being that tjlc would never be real, and it was that moment that caused many (including me) to walk away. I came back, obviously, but I completely understand why you wouldn’t. However, I want to map one Garridebs story onto the other to show how they might match up.

The Garridebs that Eurus presents us with are not the three Garridebs from the story. In the story, there are three physically present Garridebs – Nathan, John and Howard – although admittedly only Nathan is an actual Garrideb. Alexander was completely invented by John and existed only in a newspaper advertisement. Evans, alias John Garrideb, is the criminal in the Garridebs story; Alexander is an invention.

So – what happens if we substitute John for Alex in bbc!verse, as in canon they are the same person? This is interesting, because double-naming means that John becomes the killer. Whilst it’s true that John Garrideb is known as Killer Evans for his murder of a counterfeiter back in America, in canon he is done for attempted murder – of John Watson, of course. Here we have a situation where a John is set up killing John. This is exacerbated by the victim in bbc!verse being called Evans; Roger Prescott, the counterfeiter, would have been a much more canonical nod to the books, so we can assume that the choice of Evans is therefore significant. It should be noted that Evans and John/Alex Garrideb are the same person in acd!canon - so killing Evans is a representation of suicide. But, in case we weren’t there yet, the reason that Evans took the name ‘John’ is acd!canon is very likely to be because Evan is Welsh for John – so whatever way you look at this situation, you have Sherlock deducing John killing John.

This is, of course, exactly what Sherlock deduces at the end of TLD, far too slow, when we see Eurus shoot John in an exact mirror of the shot from TST – I explained in a previous chapter why this means that John is suicidal without Sherlock. However, much like the passivity of Sherlock, John and Mycroft in the first task, here we see that Sherlock’s act of deduction is good, but can’t actually save anyone; Eurus kills off our Garridebs moment as Sherlock is left to watch, and it’s notable that heart!John is the most distressed about this. Remember, in the first task Eurus left Sherlock with an image of a John who was suicidally devoted to Mary, and although the Garridebs moment is one which metafictionally highlights the relationship between Sherlock and John, she’s still presenting him with a Garridebs moment in which he is fundamentally unable to save John. This is a direct result of the Redbeard trauma that Sherlock has experienced – helplessness is key to that, and this is what Eurus has come to represent in his psyche. But – Eurus isn’t real, Eurus is testing Sherlock, trauma trying to bring him down, and Sherlock’s job in TFP is to break through the walls that his consciousness has set up for him.

The power in Sherlock saying I condemn Alex Garrideb is heartbreaking, then, because it is Sherlock recognising that he is the reason that John is going to die. Eurus is there to make him confront that reality, which she explicitly makes him do. We get the split-second moment where he thinks he’s saved Alex, and then he’s plunged into the sea – but remember, this is Eurus taunting Sherlock, presenting him with worst-possible-scenarios. TFP is set up as a game for a reason – it is a series of hypotheses cast in Sherlock’s mind by his trauma that he has to break through one by one. Remember, although she’s ostensibly trying to hurt Sherlock, Eurus’s ‘extra’ murders in the first two tasks are aimed at hurting John, which wouldn’t make sense if he weren’t the mp version of Sherlock’s heart.

Task 3 – The Final Problem

Pretty much straight after this episode aired, people were pointing out that Molly is a clear John mirror and that pretty much all of the deductions Sherlock makes here could be about John. Again, we’re seeing Sherlock’s emotions being resolved in a heterosexual context – the presence of Eurus means that he’s unable to process them in their real, queer form. However, if we take Molly to be a stand-in for John in this scene, it may tell us what TFP is about – and the scenario that Eurus presents will be the worst one, the thing that is causing Sherlock the most pain.

TLD/the previous task have shown us that John is in imminent danger, so the transition to Molly Hooper’s flat being rigged with bombs is not a difficult one; we must assume this to be the suicidal ideation that we’ve just deduced. The time limit suggests that Sherlock is running out of time to save him (fucking right he fell into a coma SIX YEARS AGO). Putting Molly in a bad mood isn’t really necessary for this scene – they make her seem a lot more depressed than she would necessarily need to be, and they emphasise her aloneness and her ability to push people away, which isn’t something we know Molly to do. These traits are all much more important in the context of a suicidal John – they paint a much clearer picture of someone who is depressed and alone than we really need for this scene, where it’s not relevant to the surface plot.

Sherlock and the audience believe he has won this task, but of course he hasn’t - there were never any explosives rigged up in Molly’s flat, and it was a ruse to destroy his relationship with Molly. This is what he fears then – what if he’s wrong? What if coming back to life because he loves John won’t save him – it will destroy him and their relationship? The problem to be wrestled with is how to save John – according to the symmetry of these tasks, that is the final problem. We know that the scenario Eurus has presented isn’t real, but Sherlock doesn’t; he is being held up by his inability to cope with interpersonal relationships, and to get to the bottom of that we’re going to need to understand what he’s been repressing – part 3 of this meta.

There’s a wonderful shot just as Sherlock is destroying Molly’s coffin which zooms up and out through a ceiling window, all the way above Sherrinford, as though to emphasise not how remote Sherrinford is but just how deep inside it Sherlock is. Given what we know about the height metaphor as well as the water metaphor, this shot is a pretty clear way of telling us – this is as deep inside Sherlock’s mind as we go, this is the nub. But Sherlock smashing up the coffin has another powerful connotation – he's refusing death. In terms of metaphor, he’s refusing John’s death – there will be no small coffin, because he will not let it happen – but the visual of him smashing the coffin also suggests that he is rejecting his own death. The two are, of course, inextricably linked. Our boys’ lives are tied together.

Epilogue: The Hunger Games

I can’t watch this without thinking of The Hunger Games, I just can’t! But regardless of how much Sherlock seems like Katniss in this section, let’s press on. I don’t count this as one of the typical tasks, because this isn’t Eurus presenting a ‘haha I tricked you scenario’ - far from it. This is Sherlock’s way into unlocking his repression. The key takeaway from this scene, as we’ll see is that trauma has hurt Sherlock, and it’s going to try pretty hard here to mutilate him – but it can’t kill him.

We get a great line from Sherlock at the beginning of this, where he tells John that the way Eurus is treating him isn’t torture, it’s vivisection. Because it’s an experiment? Perhaps. But the more logical way to phrase this would be that it isn’t vivisection, it’s torture. Torture is much more emotionally charged than vivisection as a phrase – from a writer’s perspective, this phrasing is strange because it seems to negate rather than intensify the pain our characters are undergoing. Why, then, would vivisection be more important than torture? Well, put simply, vivisection is the act of cutting someone open and seeing what’s inside – and that’s what we’re doing. This isn’t just an analogy for experimenting on people, it’s an analogy for going literally inside somebody. In EMP world, then, these words are well chosen.

Sherlock is offered the choice – John or Mycroft? Heart or brain? We might initially think that this is Eurus pressuring Sherlock into death, but that’s not the case at all – we know from the early series that Sherlock has survived before (although very unhappily) with just one of these two dominating the other. It has taken his EMP journey to unite them into a functioning entity, and Eurus is bent on destroying that, mutilating either his emotional capacity or his reasoning, the two parts that make him human. This is a good sign, as well, that trauma has been acting on Sherlock through the first three series, when his psyche was dominated by brain!Mycroft - Eurus is keen to revert to that state, when trauma had control. It is touching, then, that brain!Mycroft is willing to relinquish that control and leave Sherlock with his heart, perhaps because this new unity allows him to recognise how damaged the Sherlock he created was. We should also note that this diminishing of Sherlock’s heart is compared to his Lady Bracknell, which we know to be his repression of all Sherlock’s romantic/sexual impulses – except this time it’s less convincing, because his brain doesn’t believe it anymore. What is also devastating is heart!John’s lack of self-esteem or knowledge, the sense that he isn’t useful to Sherlock, which of course will be proven wrong.

[if anyone has thoughts on the white rectangle on the floor, do let me know. It’s bugging me!]

Mycroft says that he acknowledges there is a heart somewhere inside of him – again, this is emotionally powerful in the context of the brain/heart wrangling that we’ve seen inside the EMP. Just as Sherlock’s psyche has tried to compartmentalise them all this time and they’re finally working together, now there’s an acknowledgement that the compartmentalisation into personae is maybe inaccurate as well – brain!Mycroft’s pretence to be emotionally detached is not in fact correct, as we’ve been suspecting for a long time.

Brain!Mycroft also states that it’s his fault that this has all happened because he let Eurus converse with Jim. If you spend any time thinking about the Eurus + Jim meeting, like many elements of this show it doesn’t make sense. There isn’t a feasible way this could have been planned, recorded etc in five minutes, and although it’s true that Jim could have come back to shoot the videos under the governor’s supervision, it’s not clear why he’s so important. Unless he takes on the metaphorical significance that we’ve assigned him, letting Jim see Eurus seems pretty unimportant – he is only the garnishing on Eurus’s plan. Instead, Mycroft is at fault for letting John be in danger – not only did Sherlock misdeduce Mary (although we can lay the blame for that at the feet of heart!John - see meta on TST), his reasoning was blinded and so he missed John’s suicidal urges and the danger to his life. Brain!Mycroft holds himself responsible – all of these EMP deductions are way late, comprised of things Sherlock should have noticed when his brain wasn’t letting his heart in.

Five minutes. It took her five minutes to do this to all of us.

The lighting is dramatic, so I can’t properly gauge Ben’s expression at this moment, but his eyes look crinkled in confusion, just like they are at the moments when a sense of unreality starts to set in in TAB. Indeed, these aren’t very appropriate words for when you’re about to kill your brother; it’s like he’s being distracted, like there’s something important that he’s missing. Mofftiss are drawing attention to the sheer impossibility of the situation – and Sherlock’s nearly there. His Katniss Everdeen move, threatening to kill himself, is the recognition that his trauma doesn’t have that power – it can hurt him and deform him by twisting his psyche into unbalance, like it has before and like Eurus is trying to here, but it cannot kill him. We can see that Sherlock has risen above the one-sided dominance that he began the entire show with when Eurus shouts at him that he doesn’t know about Redbeard yet – that’s not going to change his mind today, but it’s a direct throwback to the days when it would have, in ASiP with the cabbie. Character development, folks.

The shot of Sherlock falling backwards into the dark water links to two aspects of the EMP. One is the continued metaphor of water to represent sinking into the depths of his mind. The water is so dark it looks oily – it could be argued that this is the oil that is corrupting the waters of his mind as we finally cut to the repressed memories. I quite like this reading, though I have little other oil imagery to link it to in the show. The other notable point is the slow-motion fall backwards – instead of showing Sherlock, John and Mycroft all falling, we cut to Sherlock falling backwards exactly like he did in HLV when he was shot by Mary. This is a really clear visual callback. Even though we’re going deeper, we’re linking back to the original shooting, back in reality, suggesting that this depth is paradoxically going to lead us back to the start. To go back to the oil imagery, don’t forget that oil floats on water – although it looks like we’re sinking, there’s a real sense that these repressed memories are actually pulling us to the surface of Sherlock’s subconscious, quite unlike the deep zoom out we saw when Sherlock was destroying the coffin.

And that’s it for part 2 of the TFP meta! Part 3/3 will deal with such highlights as John not being able to recognise bones and presumably getting his feet pulled off by chains. Good thing this is just a dream. See you then!

[hideawayintheimaginationworld]

Can you tell us your rating of the Fazbear Frights stories from worst to best?

Alright from worst to best (I'm only doing up to Bunny Call as I haven’t read Blackbird yet), keep in mind this is my opinion and everyone's opinion is different:

15. In the Flesh: I shouldn’t need to explain why, especially with all the jokes about it.

14. Dance with Me: This one wasn’t really scary, Ballora didn’t seem to be a threat.

13. 1:35 AM: I didn’t like Delilah honestly, I just didn’t. Ella as a antagonist didn’t feel like a real threat, why was this scary, other than Ella waking her up constantly?

12. To Be Beautiful: What exactly was the moral about? Beauty or be care who you trust? Maybe both? Giraffe Baby seemed intend on making sure Sarah “crashed and burned” before she took her place, Eleanor could have easily cut the middle man out and immediately killed her.

11. Coming Home: This didn’t feel scary either, there was no real threat to the protagonist, I also didn’t understand why Susie's appearance is different in the story compared to the canon appearance. It was sweet though, but in the terms of scary which is what FNAF is known for, no, not really.

10. Room for One More: This one was more gross than anything, I slightly liked it more than To Be Beautiful, I didn’t understand Stanley in some parts, but I don’t really understand most of the protagonists.

9. Bunny Call: This had no connection to Fazbear overall, someone pointed out we could replace Ralpho with Music Man to make it more recgoniseable which I agree with honestly. Bob was an okay protagonist, not exactly bad but not good either.

8. The Man in Room 1280: The concept of Arthur being a priest was unique, a story that had William, no. Andrew was a unique addition but the fact William was there kind of put me off, please Scott, just let him die already.

7. Step Closer: I've said before the ending was abrupt, I would have preferred the ending to be a confrontation between Pete and Foxy rather than “A truck ran him over, the end”, kid should have looked both ways before crossing the street.

6. Count the Ways: I don’t understand why people are saying Funtime Freddy was out of character, he didn’t feel like it to me, he is suppose to be a killing machine and excited. The only thing that bothered me was the moment when Millie finds out Dylan is in a relationship with Brooke, instead of realising it was her mistake, she seems to blame Dylan for leading her on (They never did anything one would consider a couple thing, Dylan was just being nice to her), then she judges Brooke despite not really knowing her. It felt like Millie had to get angry for the sake of being angry in the story. The addition of French knowledge from Funtime Freddy was cool in some parts.

5. The New Kid: This story genuinely made me question who the antagonist was, was it Devon or Kelsey? I mean Devon is obviously not a good person, this could have been great character development and build on that, but of course not.

4. Fetch: Greg was interesting in some parts. The only thing was is that he only intervened when he felt like things got too much out of control, much like real dogs, I believe if Fetch had been trained, he would have been more manageable.

3. Into the Pit: The concept was inventive, I liked how Oswald actually outsmarted SpringBonnie in the end.

2. Lonely Freddy: Alec is a flawed character, but he was promising to better himself before the encounter with LF. People who have siblings will understand exactly how Alec and Hazel feel, understanding both sides.

1. Out of Stock: Yes. Best character. Most creative. I didn’t think Plushtrap would get a story, the fact they connected it the actual mechanic in-game of shining the light on him to stop him from moving, yes. The addition of him actually being able to chew through things was a very nice touch, it makes him more terrifying, because Plushtrap would not be able to open a locked door, but chew around the handle to open it? Yes he can, that makes him a real threat. Oscar and his friends were a good bunch of characters, while Oscar and his friends didn’t “directly” confront Plushtrap, they were smart enough to lead Plushtrap to the train tracks, which ultimately killed him. Oscar even stood on the tracks, managing to jump out of the way and surviving, proving he was actually willling to die if it meant Plushtrap was defeated.

[starrynite7114]

things you never knew: five

A/N: I’ve had this ready for a few days, no idea why I waited, but it’s here now! Enjoy this update! Hope you all are enjoying this story as much as I am!

TYNK: Characters one : two : three : four

Word count: 5856

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tagged list: @justahopelessssromantic : @ifoundmyhappythought : @carlaangel86 : @marvelmaree : @woahitslucyylu : @encounterthepast : @enamoured-x : @whyisgmora : @briana-mishell24 : @bribri-82 : @briannab1234 : @chibsytelford : @agirllovespasta : @twistnet : @everyhowlmarksthedead : @trulysuccubus : @jadert15 : @sammskellington : @cind-in-real-life : @mheart27 : @claytoncardenasbabymama : @sadeyesgf : @thickemadame : @summertimesadnesswithadashofsass : @gemini0410 : @robbosugdens : @elcococruz : @samcrobae : @sesamepancakes : @iambabyharry : @blackmissfrizzle : @nich0lasmatthews : @angelreyesgirl​ : @soamayansimaginez​ : @vicmackeybullshxt​ : @sheeshgivemeabreak​ : @1-800-imagines​

Thank you again @carlaangel86​ for making this for me! <3

Ailee groaned as Arthur tended to her wounds, laying on her side as he applied cream on the scars that she sustained with the whip that Theo used on her. It was a torture tactic in case she was captured by the enemy. He whipped her twenty five times every other week to build her tolerance. They didn’t hurt less, she just reacted less. The tears have stopped as crying upset Theo greatly. 

And she was exhausted.

Tears weren’t doing anything for her.

The only time she cried was when she would dream of Angel, praying and hoping for this hell to end.

“You’re progressing well.” She heard Arthur compliment her as he applied the cream on her back. “I don’t know how to help you Ailee.”

Arthur was a Maquina agent that Jin installed in Theo’s company. He made his way up after saving Theo’s life in a failed assassination attempt. He made his way up the ladder rather quickly and was now his right hand man. At times, Ailee was skeptical to trust him as he’s been undercover for nearly three years. Theo was charismatic and took care of the people he cared for, but he was also harsh. Though from their interactions, Theo always seemed to listen to Arthur’s advice. 

“You can’t.” Ailee felt the tear fall, running over the bridge of her nose. “I don’t know how much more I can take.”

“Don’t do this for Angel, he’s not worth it.” Arthur knew what Theo held over his sister’s head and it was despicable. He reported to Jin that Theo was threatening Angel’s life, but it seemed that he didn’t care much for Ailee’s boyfriend. 

‘The loss of his life would propel her to come work for Maquina.’

The way Jin and Theo played with Ailee’s life, not caring how much they hurt her, it was despicable. Family was an excuse both used to explain their actions, that they cared for Ailee, they loved her. But this wasn’t what family was about. At least by his definition. Manipulating Ailee to fight for their cause, it was despicable. 

“To me he is, Angel has been the only constant in my life that has never required anything from me besides being myself.” She gripped the sheet as Arthur stitched up her new laceration she sustained. 

“Angel wouldn’t want you to suffer like this.”

“No, but if I lose him, I would lose my grip with reality. He’s the only person holding me down.” 

“At least let me tell your brothers where you are so they can come see you.”

“No,” she choked out. “That would upset Theo and it might blow your cover.” She never felt so helpless before. The only way she could escape was to become what Theo wanted her to be. Theo wanted her to be perfect. To kill with no qualms, to be able to surpass John.

She knew that eventually he would ask her to kill John for what occurred with his father.

‘They would never be able to kill you. You’re the one thing that John and Vince will never kill. You have to become better than them.’

Maquina provides the base model for Theo. She knew how to hold a gun, to fight, to escape tricky situations and to adapt to her surroundings.

Now, Theo was perfecting the skills she learned at Maquina. To be able to kill with whatever surrounded her or her bare hands. To be able to roam in the dark with no guidance. To not fear death or anything she used to fear.

The one fear he couldn’t get rid of was losing Angel and he used that to his advantage. 

So many times Ailee thought that ending her life would make this nightmare end, but all she could think of was Angel, what would happen to him if she did end her life? Felipe and EZ couldn’t lose another person. That would be too much life lost for a lifetime. 

She had to hold on.

She had to withstand it.

For Angel she would.

===============

Ailee sat on her bed, Melody sitting in front of her. She was brushing her daughter’s hair, Alexander sitting at the head of the bed. 

“She has Angel’s eyes.” Ailee loved looking at Melody’s eyes, because it reminded her of Angel’s. Whenever she missed him most all those years ago, she would hold Melody in her arms, look into her eyes and feel at home again.

“Has he reached out to you?” Alexander questioned, watching how Ailee softly brushed Melody’s hair, making sure that she didn’t get the brush caught on her implant.

Melody has a cochlear implant that she had placed at four years old. She was born with congenital deafness due to a chemical that was induced during the pregnancy, Ailee’s pregnancy. Melody was a twin, but due to a drug that induced abortion, her twin died. Melody survived. 

Ailee was pregnant when she was arrested. She had found out that day and was going to tell Angel, she was four months along. Theo found out she was pregnant and due to his disapproval of Angel, gave her water that was laced with the drug. It was successfully worked on one of the babies, but Melody hung on and due to this, she developed the condition.

Thankfully, Melody was able to get the cochlear implant so she can hear. Her speech needed help, but Ailee had the best working on her.

A secret she kept from Angel all these years knowing that if her brother found out that Ailee had given birth to Angel’s child, it would place a target on her back. So she decided to pretend that it was a child she adopted in Europe, letting her stay with a family friend while Ailee racked up the bodies all around Europe. If she made herself look invincible, into the monster Theo wanted her to be, he wouldn’t fuck with her or Melody.

So she made the elaborate lie that she was adopted, when in reality, Melody was her and Angel’s child. Her brothers helped her cover her secret along with Jin. She didn’t mean to withhold Melody from Angel and she didn’t. Melody knew who her father was, she never hid that. 

“No, he won’t. Why should he?” Ailee hoped Angel didn’t reach out to her, there was no reason to do so.

“You know why you agreed to this, you wanted Angel to meet Melody. You didn’t agree to this at the farce of your half-brother possibly being here.” Alexander knew the truth. This was Ailee’s way to go home, so she fed the intel that Theo may be at the border communicating through the rebel group. It was a farce, a dangerous one at that, but once Melody met Angel, her conscience would be cleared and they could leave again.

This was the best way for Melody to be protected, by having Maquina around. As much as she despised the organization, she saw the benefits that it provided. By saying that Theo could possibly be around, Maquina would provide their agents and resources to assure that Theo doesn’t make any headway in America. It was a terrible farce but this was the way Melody could meet Angel. 

“I know, I just, he’s going to hate me.” And maybe she was frightened she would be rejected. From her understanding he had something going on with the rebel leader. The last thing she wanted was to disrupt Angel’s life. He was better without her, without her troubles and fallacies. 

“Angel could never hate you. He’ll be angry, but he won't hate you. He knows you did this for your daughter and not to spite him.” Alexander reasoned. “Or at least I would hope he didn’t.”

“This was a bad idea. I should have never come back.” Ailee places the brush down, Melody turning her implant back on. 

“Mommy, when do I get to see daddy?” Melody signed to Ailee.

“Soon baby,” she tucked her daughters hair back. “Mommy just needs a little more time.”

“Okay.” Melody said, nodding her head and getting off the bed. “Uncle Alexander, can we play?”

“Anything for you princess.” He stood up, almost following Melody out of the room before turning back. “You can’t keep him waiting Lee, Santo Padre is a small town. It’s not like you can deny her resemblance to him when he sees her.”

Ailee knew that, but she needed time. 

She wasn’t ready.

Well, when would she ever?

===============

“This is insane Ailee, there are no leads connecting Theo to anyone here.” Janine rolled her eyes. “Well, we all know why that is.” She smirked at Ailee who flicked her off.

“The customer is awaiting their latte.” Ailee reminded her.

“I don’t do scut work.” Janine scoffed, a playful smirk gracing her lips as well. “Carl, latte,” she ordered, snapping her fingers at her protege. 

Carl quickly came and made the latte for the customer, busying himself with other tasks while waiting for the next customers.

“Wow, it’s like you have him on a leash.” Oscar chuckled, shaking his head. He was glad this was implemented after his time.

“He just knows better than to argue with me.” Janine grinned. “So have you reunited with your boy toy?” 

Ailee rolled her eyes. “That’s not what I’m here for.”

“Of course not.” Andrew sat across from Janine, placing a coffee in front of her. “For you Bonita.”

“Bite me.”

“Where?” Andrew wiggled his eyebrows.

“It’s too early for you two to behave this way.” Oscar rolled his eyes, shaking his head. 

“You’re just jealous because I’m taking your boyfriend.” Janine flipped him off.

“I’m good, I got Olivia.” Oscar blew her a kiss.

Janine chuckled. “You going to fight her jailbird?”

Ailee laughed, shaking her head at her team. Oscar was the first to join her group of misfits, meeting during training. Janine was the second to join, being assigned to the team by John. Olivia joined next, Ailee wanted her best friend to take care of all of her IT needs. Andrew was the last to join. Ailee met him during one of her visits in a Maquina training facility in Germany. He caught her eye and she immediately made him a part of her team. 

Young. Hungry. Talented.

That's what she looked for.

“I can take on baby Reyes.” Oscar scoffed. “Prison can’t teach you my skills.”

“They don’t teach dick sucking in prison?” Janine caused a roar of laughter to break out between the team members. 

Ailee was thankful that she had Oscar, Olivia, Janine and Andrew. They made this life so much more bearable. 

The bell above the door rang, indicating a customer came in. They heard Carl and Iya greet the customer, but they didn’t hear a reply. Ailee looked over and cussed under her breath. 

“We need to talk.” Angel’s eyes were trained on her, it was like he had tunnel vision.

Ailee saw Andrew and Oscar made a move to get up, but she stopped them.

“It’s fine, sit.” She looked at Angel. “Can it wait?”

“No, you don’t look busy to me. Besides, I think you owe me an explanation.”

“About what?

Angel cackled. He threw the folder that John and Vince gave him last night to the floor.

“Where’s my daughter?”

Janine, Oscar and Andrew all saw how Ailee’s face changed and immediately dispersed. Angel waited for Ailee to make a move. He could stand here all day. She was lucky he didn’t wake her up in the middle of the night.

“Follow me.” Ailee made her way towards her office, Angel following suit. As soon as they were both inside, Ailee closed the door. “Who told you?”

“You’re not even going to try and deny it?”

“For? You already know.” Ailee walked behind her desk, sitting down on the chair. “Who. Told. You.”

“Does it fucking matter? Cause you should have fucking told me.” Angel spat out. “You weren’t even in fucking jail Ailee, you were free, raising our fucking child without me!” 

Ailee knew it was awful of her to keep Melody away, but she couldn’t bring her to Santo Padre. She feared for Melody and Angel’s life. Maybe her decision was questionable but she did what she had to do as a mother. 

“I don’t expect you to understand my decision, but just know I made the best decision for her.”

“Why? Cause I’m that much of a fuck up? You didn’t even give me a fucking chance to fuck up!”

“No, Angel,” she immediately felt her heart clenched. She always believed Angel would be an amazing father. It was never about him. “You would be an amazing father, I just,” Ailee sighed. For once, Angel saw his Ailee, not this cold person that he’s been seeing around town. “Theo already killed one of them, I couldn’t risk bringing Melody here. He would know she was your kid and kill her.”

Hearing the confirmation from Ailee hit differently. Sure she wasn’t in jail. Sure she didn’t suffer as he thought she did, but she suffered in a different way that he still couldn’t fathom. He thought his family was a work of art but Ailee’s family took the cake. His girl lost one of their kids and she had to suffer through it alone. She raised their kid on her own. But she could have come to him, he would have protected her and their daughter.

“You should have come home to me Ailee. I could have protected you and our daughter. I would do anything for you Lee.” Angel felt the tears building in his eyes. Years of shame, disappointment, regret, frustration, sadness and anger were resurfacing for both himself and Ailee. They looked at one another, studying one another. Ailee was the light of Angel’s life, the person who made him feel that he was worthy. That no matter the life she could have elsewhere, she always chose him. And he would never fault her for that. If she wanted to stay with him, he would selfishly accept her. 

Angel was the light of Ailee’s life. 

During her time of darkness, as cliche as it sounded, he was her angel, the reason she kept fighting. When she was a child, he would sneak out with her, teach her how to play baseball or any other sport she wanted to learn. He would take her to watch the shining stars in the dark desert with no lights taking away their shine. When she suffered under Theo, he pushed her to live, to not kill herself because once she was able to escape, she would be back in his warm embrace. It kept her breathing. She felt like an idiot relying so much of her sanity on Angel, but she was the one person who didn’t like her due to her ability or what she could bring to the table, he loved her because she was Ailee. 

He was the love of her life. 

She was the love of his life.

Yet obstacles always came in between them.

But Ailee was content.

As long as Angel was alive she could live without having him, without being around him. She could live knowing that he was safe, at least from her demons.

Olivia opened the car door, letting Melody jump down the car. She smiled, holding out her hand towards Melody, which she gladly took. She had taken Melody out for some brunch while Alex was in Los Angeles handling business with Sierra. Parking in front of Carniceria Reyes was risky, but it was eleven in the morning, the shop was usually busy and she saw no bikes in sight. 

She was in the clear. 

“You think mommy will like her waffles?” Olivia asked Melody as they walked across the street.

EZ had caught sight of Olivia’s car, he gave her back a questioning look as he saw the child with her. He’s never seen the young girl before. She turned around and EZ felt his stomach churn. He recognized that smile, it was the same smile Angel had, the one he shared with their mother. He muttered some excuse to his father as he followed Olivia and the young girl. 

They entered Ailee’s cafe, which was called ‘MR cafe’. He didn’t know what the initials stood for but it was a catchy name. Following them inside, he saw how the employees warmly greeted the young girl along with Olivia. His eyes narrowed at the man hugging Olivia.

“Livy, Janine was being mean to me earlier, she said I had to fight the jailbird for you.” Oscar pouted.

Olivia laughed. “No, but you know you’re not my type.”

“What? Tall, dark and handsome? How is that not your type?” Oscar shook his head. “Now you’re just hurting my feelings.”

“More like obnoxious, arrogant and a clown.”

“Ooh! Burn!” Andrew let out a booming laugh.

Melody walked over to Olivia after retrieving a cookie from Carl.

“Mommy?” She looked at Janine.

“In her office sweetie, but,” before Janine could advise the young girl to wait, she bolted towards the office with the waffles in hand.

“Don’t worry, I got her.” Olivia walked away following after her with EZ following after Olivia. He passed by Andrew, Janine and Oscar since they thought he was heading to the restroom. EZ looked harmless to them, despite the kute. 

Olivia could hear the raised voices then, but before she could stop Melody from opening the door, she opened it. Her eyes immediately landed on Angel, her lie coming out before she could think.

"Oh, that's so odd, mommy isn't he-"

Melody ran straight to Ailee, hugging her leg. Angel looked at them, dumbfounded by the scene. The beautiful little girl looked up at him and when she studied his face, her eyes widened, hiding behind Ailee.

"I'm just gonna," Olivia nodded her head and made her way outside. EZ, who had seen them from across the street, was right behind her.

"Who was that?"

"Fuck me."

“She, please don’t tell me.” EZ knew that Olivia or Ailee would never keep something this enormous from them. They wouldn’t hide the existence of Angel’s child.

“EZ, it wasn’t my secret to tell.” Olivia grimaced, hugging him immediately. “This was on Ailee, I would never have crossed that line.”

EZ wrapped his arms around her. As much as he wanted to go inside for moral support, this was between Angel and well, his girls.

Angel looked down at Melody who was gripping her mother’s leg along with the plastic bag in her hand. She didn’t seem frightened of him, she just looked shy. Ailee had her hand on Melody’s head, placing a hand on her mouth to keep her sob from coming out. This was something she always dreamed of, Melody finally meeting Angel. She wiped her tears, squatting down to Melody’s level.

“Baby, I thought you and Auntie Ollie were having brunch?” Ailee questioned.

Melody looked at Angel then back at Ailee. “We did, I brought you waffles.” She signed back to her mother, marveling Angel. Lifting up the bag, Ailee took it, placing it on the desk behind her.

“She,” Angel paused remembering John and Vince’s words from last night. “Your brothers told me she could talk.”

Ailee stored that into memory. It was her brothers who told Angel. 

“She’s very shy, she just learned how to talk last year and she’s still getting used to it. She was born deaf and had an implant placed last year.” Ailee explained. “Baby, it’s okay, you can talk in front of daddy.”

Angel gave Ailee an incredulous look. How could Melody possibly know he was her father? 

Ailee saw the look on his face and sighed. “I never hid your existence from her. She always knew you were her father and she recognizes you from the pictures.” She looked at Melody who was looking up at Angel, marveled at the fact her father was finally in front of her. “Say hi to daddy Melly.”

Angel crouched down beside Ailee, wanting to give Melody the space she needed. He felt the tears escape his eyes, but he didn’t fucking care, his daughter was right in front of him and he felt like he saw his mother. Melody tilted her head, unsure why her father was crying. Her small hand reached up to him, wiping the tears escaping his eyes. Angel let out a sob, slightly startling Melody, but she kept her hand on his face.

“Hi daddy.” Melody closed the distance between them, wrapping her little arms around Angel’s neck. The tears wouldn’t stop falling for Angel, Ailee crying as well when she saw father and daughter together. Angel wrapped his arms around Melody, he never believed in love at first sight, but he did now. He fell in love with his daughter at first sight. 

“Hello Melody, you’re so beautiful mama.” Angel relished holding her. Looking at Ailee, he saw how she was trying her best to stop crying, but Ailee was awful at that. Picking up Melody, she was so light, it didn’t even feel like anything. Ailee stayed crouched down, trying her best to calm herself. He pulled her up, pulling her into his other arm, kissing the top of her head. “I got you baby, I got both of you.”

Their moment was broken when John and Vince burst into the room. Ailee glared at her brothers, obviously knowing of their betrayal.

“Oh man, is that my phone ringing? Might be my son, you know, your nephew, who needs me in his life.” John made a uturn and left the room. 

“That’s not fair, I don’t have a son to use as a scapegoat.” Vince gave his sister an apologetic smile. “I’m your favorite brother?”

“Leave.”

“Te quiero mucho mi hermana.” Vince left leaving the family again.

Angel looked out and saw EZ with Olivia. Looking at Melody, he gestured for his little brother to come in. Ailee looked at Olivia who gave her an encouraging smile.

“Melody, this is Tio EZ, he’s daddy’s brother.” Angel informed his daughter.

“She knows about EZ.” Ailee confirmed. “She knows about your whole family.”

Melody turned to face EZ. “You’re on Auntie Ollie’s phone.” She looked at Olivia who gestured for her to be quiet. 

EZ chuckled, tears streaming down his eyes. Much like Angel, he saw his mother as he looked at her. He couldn’t believe Angel had a little girl. He knew Ailee’s return was going to bring so many answers, yet, he felt like it was going to bring more questions as well. Angel told him about Ailee’s past, how she was a government agent. He didn’t fucking believe it though. Ailee could barely kill a fucking spider before much less a human being. He thinks it’s completely fabricated and there was something else.

But the lie was so elaborate.

“Can you take Melody? Ailee and I have much to talk about.” Angel handed Melody to Olivia. “And we need to talk as well Liv.” 

Olivia eyed Angel curiously before nodding her head. 

“Sure, we’ll be right outside.” 

Ailee stepped away from Angel, sitting back down behind her desk. Angel waited till the door was closed before he turned to Ailee. He didn’t want Melody out of his sight, but he didn’t want her to be in here for this conversation.

“I just want to make it very clear that I’m not letting Melody out of my sight. I don’t care what you do, what you think, but she’s my daughter and I intend to be with her whenever I can.” Angel started off. “And you’re coming as well.”

“What?” Ailee was confused by his words. 

Angel chuckled. “We have a daughter together, Lee. I’ve always told you you were it for me and nothing has changed that. Though, it appears we have much to talk about.” 

“You have a child, that’s that.” 

“Oh no mi dulce, I know that, but you’re staying with me or I’m staying with you, I don’t give a fuck how it works, you’re not leaving my sight.”

“Don’t be ridiculous Angel, that’s impossible. You have to work and so do I.” Ailee hated how simple things always seemed to Angel. There was always a simple solution for him, but he never thought of the consequences or what had to be done to get to his simple outcome. 

Nothing in life was simple. 

“And? That’s not my concern. When you’re home, we’re all home together.” Again, so simple for Angel.

“No.”

“That wasn’t a choice.”

“I’m not discussing this, you’re out of your mind. I was gone for five years Angel, I’ve heard you’ve moved on. Let’s just keep it this way. You are more than welcome to see Melody but otherwise there is nothing between us.” Ailee put her foot down. It was better this way. Her and Angel were just a thing of the past and the only thing bringing them together was Melody.

Ailee hates herself too much to give herself to anyone. Angel would never love her if he found out what she did while she was away. He wanted an innocent girl, untainted. Not a jaded government agent who had more scars and baggage that she would like to admit.

“I’ve moved on? You’re the one parading your dildo around here. I’ve never moved on, and I never will, not from you.” Angel was livid. He moved on? Was that an excuse for her boyfriend?

“Alexander isn’t my boyfriend.”

“Could have fooled me.”

“Look, I don’t want to argue, I got shit to do today and the last thing I want is for Melody to hear us arguing.” She lowered her voice. “We should take her to meet your father.”

“Not right now, I just, I want her to myself.” Angel sighed. He should introduce Melody to his father, but he wanted some time with Melody first, to get to know his daughter.

“Okay, whatever you want.”

“We’re staying together.”

“Okay Ignacio, whatever you say.”

===============

Olivia walked in her apartment, the smell of smoke was immediately apparent to her. She rolled her eyes, knowing Angel broke in her damn apartment again. It’s not like she didn’t have any security cameras, of course she did, the place was rigged. But Angel also had a key to her place.

“Ignacio, what did I say about breaking in?” Olivia closed her door, locking her door. 

“How could you not tell me Liv?” Angel questioned, crushing his cigarette butt on the ashtray that Olivia conveniently left out for him. 

“It wasn’t my secret to tell.” Olivia sighed, sitting beside Angel on the couch. “I, I wanted to tell you, I really did, but Ailee didn’t want to. She said you made a life of your own and you didn’t need her.”

“She’s a pain in the ass.” 

“She’s your pain in the ass.”

Angel chuckled. “Yeah, yeah she is.” He slid the folder over to her, Olivia giving him a confused look. “Guess you also kept that you worked for a government agency.”

“Yeah, you know this, I do apps for various government agencies.” Olivia shook her head. “Why are you here?”

“So, when are you going to tell EZ that you’re a part of Maquina?” 

Olivia looked at Angel then, making her sigh. She let out a string of cuss words under her breath. She stood up and began pacing in front of Angel. “Who told you?”

“Just like Lee, didn’t even try to deny it.” Angel let out a small laugh, hardly amused by this whole ordeal. “You knew the entire time where she was, yet you never told me.”

“Angel, I wanted to tell you, I truly did, I just,” Olivia couldn’t even find a good excuse. There was no good explanation of what she did to Angel or EZ, but she had her reasons. “I had to respect Ailee’s choice, my loyalties will always lie with her. “I can’t tell EZ, not yet. I will eventually, especially with Maquina being so close to home.”

“Close to home? Maquina is in our home.” Angel lit another cigarette, the stress getting to him. “I don’t want to break my little brother’s heart since you kept such a big secret from him. I wanted to tell you that I know and I think you should be the one to tell EZ.”

“And I will.”

“When Liv? When are you going to tell EZ?”

“Soon, just not right now.”

“No better time than the present. This week seems to be the week of letting the cat out of the bag.” Angel sighed. “I’m not here to force your hand, you want to tell him, that’s on you. But tread carefully. Can’t promise you that the other members won’t mention it in front of EZ.”

“I’m sorry Angel, for whatever it's worth, I’m sorry that you found out like this.” Olivia didn’t want Angel to find out in this way. She was obviously never on board with keeping Angel in the dark, but she had to understand Ailee’s reasoning. Ailee was her best friend and she wanted to support her in any way she could. 

“Would Ailee have ever told me about Melody?” Angel knew she wouldn’t. 

“She wanted to, but she was afraid.”

“Of what? She knew how devoted I was to her.”

“It’s not about you.”

“Then what is it? Theo? Fuck her brother, he can kiss my ass. Her whole fucking family is a nightmare.” 

“Theo is a different beast Angel, I get that you don’t think before you do shit, but with him, you have to. You can’t be impulsive since he’ll count on that. I’m sure he knows Ailee is back in town, it won't be long before he makes his play.” Olivia knew that Theo always knew Ailee’s moves. He’s kept on track of her all these years. Maybe he didn’t know all of her moves, but he knew enough to make it dangerous. 

“I don’t give a fuck, let him come. I’m ending this shit, he’s not going to hurt my family, never again.”

===============

“Are you going with your uncle?” 

“To the brothel? Yes. Don’t wait up.”

“I try not to.” 

Alexander walked out just as Ailee stood up. She looked at her and saw a message from her uncle. Sighing, Ailee changed her clothes and made her way down the stairs. She saw Alexander and Melody in the living room. Quickly, she said goodbye to her daughter, late nights were not odd to Melody. 

Making her way to the coffee shop, she found her uncle waiting at the back of the shop, inside of his Mercedes Benz.

“Are we using my car?” Ailee questioned.

“We can use mine, Dave will drive us.” Dave has been her uncle’s bodyguard, driver, best friend and confidant for twenty-eight years. He didn’t trust anyone more than Dave. Even Ailee trusted him. His tough exterior was such a farce, because once it was the two of them, he would have tea parties with her, sneak her some cookies at night and even read her a book. She figured Dave was what a father should be, something she only saw on movies and television shows.

It was pathetic.

“Uncle Dave,” Ailee greeted him warmly.

“Fuck you both for coming to this god forsaken town. It’s unbearably hot.” He opened the door. “Hello to you too sweetheart.”

Jin and Ailee laughed, sliding inside the car. Dave closed the door, sliding in the driver seat. As they made their way to the brothel, Jin discussed the plan with Ailee.

“From my understanding, the Reid family is through and through racist yahoo’s who want to serve and protect the country by patrolling the border, illegally.” Jin provided background information. “Cole has been working with them, but he doesn’t seem very impressed with their lack of discipline.”

Ailee laughed. “None of them have ever served in the military. What made him think that they were going to be good foot soldiers? Their racist cause is their main agenda, having to shoot people of color is their whole purpose in this whole ordeal.”

“Gracie, have you spoken to Angel?” Jin knew it was only a matter of time before the two spoke again. They always gravitated around one another. He was surprised she was able to hold back this long when it came to talking to him. He knew that she made a few trips to Santo Padre, but she always left, wanting to assure his protection over anything. 

“No.” A lie, but she wasn’t required to be truthful to her uncle. She had to dig into this deceit that was placed ever since her supposed incarceration. Jin hardly told her the truth, why should she?

Great family dynamic.

“Why did you have Alexander bring Melody here?” Jin questioned. He didn’t feel comfortable having his granddaughter so close to the border with Theo around. They never understood Theo’s obsession with Ailee. Maybe due to the fact that he was an only child. Or maybe it was due to Ailee’s ability. Regardless, they were not big fans of Theo’s idiocracy.

“Why is this a question? Melody wanted to see me. Is that a crime?”

“Easy Gracie, I was just wondering. I thought you wanted to keep her away from Santo Padre.” Jin didn't want to upset her, but he was also looking out for his granddaughter. Though he figured Melody was safe since they had more than fifteen Maquina agents around as of right now.

“Yes, but, I can’t live in fear. If Theo wants to harm her then I will have his head on a silver platter before he can do so.” Ailee sighed. “Why is he such a concern? Theo has not made noise in years. Backing lowly European groups is hardly any of our concern.”

“It’s Theo, you never count out a Kane. He’ll want his revenge and make people pay for what occurred with his father. We need to be ten steps ahead to assure he cannot pull a fast one on us.” Jin never counted out Theo. He did not like to be an underdog, did not like to be the second best. He had to be the best. He remembered when Theo expressed interest in joining Maquina and it was an immediate no. The way Theo was, Jin knew that training him and giving him permission to eliminate people would be too powerful of a task for him. “Grace, what did he do to you?”

“Besides killing one of my children? The details are not necessary, just know that you perfected whatever he wanted to do.”

“And what’s that?” Jin hated it when Ailee compared him to Ailee. He did everything for her own protection. She thrived under Maquina and without it, Melody wouldn’t be able to hear. There was a tiny amount of guilt that ate at him, that if he didn’t set her up, Theo wouldn’t have been able to take her child from her. 

“A killer with no moral code.”

[conman167936]

Fan-Casting A Hypothetical “Next To Normal” Movie

As some of you may know, both “In The Heights” and “Dear Evan Hansen” are getting film adaptations this year. Assuming that those are successful, we could be getting more musical adaptations on the horizon. And “Next To Normal” is one of my favorite musicals, and I think it could translate to the silver screen incredibly well. If done well, it could be the one of the greatest movie musicals we’ve had in a long time.

Now, I don’t know who they would get to direct the film, but they say that 90% of directing is casting, so I thought I could help out with that part. These are some ideas I have for casting the Goodman family in a hypothetical “Next To Normal” movie

Let’s start with the ‘simple spirit’ at the heart of the story - Gabriel. I see so many productions depict him as a villainous character who acts increasingly sexual around his mother. I would like to tone these aspects down a bit - I personally see him as a teenager lashing out because he’s being ignored. 

Now this choice might surprise you a bit, but I want to see Andrew Barth Feldman take on this role. He has an unbelievable singing voice and I think he could stretch his acting muscles to portray Gabe’s angrier moments, but still be sympathetic enough for “I Am The One (Reprise)” to hit home hard.

Then we have Natalie. Like with Gabe, I would rather cast an actual teenager with limited film experience than cast someone in their mid 20′s who’s more well-known. Don’t get me wrong, I understand why directors do that. I mean, it’s not like you’re likely to find someone under eighteen years of age with pitch-perfect vocal control and acting chops to match...

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTZQeWx_xy0)

Meet Kendall Nicole-Yakshe. Starkid fans know her for her role as Hannah Foster in Black Friday. She is currently fifteen years old. Her vocal abilities are far beyond her years, and she is a remarkably good actress, too. This is someone who needs a big break. And the role of Natalie Goodman fits her like a glove.

Next up, Dan Goodman. And I didn’t have to think long at all to cast this role - it should be Jeremy Jordan. Jordan is 36, he has the voice of an angel, but has also shown his dramatic capabilities in roles like The Last Five Years. I think he has both the acting range and the vocal range to portray this complicated character. I don’t even know what else to say - we all know how good Jeremy Jordan is.

And now, the big one. Diana Goodman.

I could list off a dozen actresses from stage and screen alike that would kill for this role. You probably have a few in your head right now. But I want to be bold with this pick, and find someone who maybe isn’t the obvious pick, but has the ability to blow everyone away.

We know that Diana is in her late thirties or early forties. We know that she was young when she married Dan. We know that he describes her as being a wild burst of light and energy before Gabe’s death. On stage, Diana can occasionally come across as being bubbly and childlike, before switching on a dime to show us the deep pain that she’s feeling.

I propose casting an actress who is known for more lighter material, that people will know as the ‘wild young girl’ Dan fell for but can surprise the audience with her ability to reach down deep and bring out the emotion. 

And in case you haven’t guessed it by now, I believe that the perfect person to play Diana Goodman is Kristen Bell.

Kristen Bell is currently 40 years old, is mostly known for comedies and for being the voice of a Disney Princess. She obviously has an amazing singing voice. But she’s also a capable dramatic actress, which many people often forget.  Of all things, it was her performance of the song “The Next Right Thing” in Frozen 2 that first made me realize how good Kristen could be in this role. Listen to her performance of that song and then imagine her singing So Anyway.

But what really sold it for me is this video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYUQ_nlZgWE), in which she describes her own struggles with mental health. This is someone who can truly relate to Diana Goodman more than most actresses could. For an actress who is well-liked but mainly known as a comedienne, this role could be an Oscar-worthy vehicle for her.

So there you have it. Kristen Bell, Jeremy Jordan, Kendall Nicole-Yakshe and Andrew Barth Feldman as the Goodman family. And for those wondering, I don’t have a Henry in mind, although I would prefer to cast an actor of color in that role. And the two doctors should probably be played by different actors in the film to avoid confusion.

Well, that’s basically it. If you liked or disliked my casting ideas or you have some ideas of your own, let me know in the comments!

[straightbaittournament]

only the option with the least votes will be eliminated! everyone else goes on to round 3. propaganda under the cut (and more always welcome!):

fitzroy angursell and pali avramapul:

I’m pretty sure even the author thought they were straight and endgame when she started writing them. Although initially Pali is portrayed as the love of Fitzroy’s life so that you think you’re going to have to put up with this straight relationship, she’s later canonically confirmed aroace with a lot of subtext around two other women, while it becomes clear in later books that Fitzroy has a growing interest in another man. Tfw you are sure they’re going to kiss by the end of the book and then it turns out that previous marriage proposals were plausibly about friendship in the first place

oscar francois de jarjayes and andre grenadier:

Okay, so this might sound kind of weird but bear with me because I really think they should count. Oscar was afab but her father gave her a boy's name and raised her as a boy (by 18th century standards) because sexism and he had 5 daughters and decided she was going to be a son because they were a noble family and he wanted a son to become a high ranking military official because they're rich so they can just do that. Oscar joins the army and becomes Marie-Antoinette's personal guard. Her and childhood best friend Andre are very close through out the series (he supports her throughout the many scandals that she has to deal with because she works for the royal family) and at the end of the series it is revealed that they are in love, but they are both killed in the war before they can actually get together. The dying before they can be together might fall into the buried straights category but they relationship also has really queer energy because throughout the series it becomes apparent that Oscar usually Does Not Vibe with only the gender she assigned at birth. She sometimes refers to herself as a woman, sometimes refers to herself as a man, but her attitude is usually basically 'I'm a man, I'm a woman, I'm both, I'm neither, stop asking'. So I think they should count as straightbait because we find out that Oscar is nonbinary and Andre loves her no matter what her gender is (and then they die before they can get together).

abbie mills and ichabod crane:

They both start out as main characters, working together since the ep. 1. Next three seasons follow the regular m/f protagonist duo pattern: they need each other's help, there's chemistry going on, there are heartwrenching scenes and dramatic sacrifices, they learn they can only truly rely on each other - so the next step is to let them be together, right? Wrong. The next step is to let lt. Mills make a final sacrifice, which on top of killing the pairing insults her as a character - suddenly from the POV protagonist she started as she's demoted to secondary character who always was just there to be the main guy's support. There are some feelings acknowledged, but no confessions or promises exchanged during the final fleeting reunion. Three-seasons-worth of build-up and then she dies.

angel and cordelia chase:

They met as characters on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but their dynamic doesn't take off until the Angel spinoff Because the showrunners of Angel didn't go in with the idea of putting these two together, the characters' friendship was allowed to develop organically without the assumption of romance, which then made the realization of their feelings for each other more satisfying. Unfortunately the shadow of Bangel (Buffy x Angel) still held over Angel's character, so I think it was a hard sell at the time and didn't gain a lot of popularity in the years since. Both these two characters grew alongside each other, supported each other, and despite knowing that they loved each other, let each other go to pursue their destinies. A really underrated het pairing!

entrapta and hordak:

Heavily heavily heavily hinted/slow burn?

akko kagari and andrew hanbridge:

Very typical hetero-love-interest introduction, rival vibes, aloof rich boy & headstrong "commoner" girl, learning to see each other's point of view, she dresses up for the first time in the series to sneak into his party to try to talk to him. Just classic 'ugh they're clearly gonna get together' but... they don't. Nothing romantic is ever explicit, and by s2 they're friends and that's it. there's no discussion or drama. they're good friends. literally shocked me. apparently a guy and girl who fit a bunch of romantic tropes... can just be friends

kurosaki ichigo and kuchiki rukia:

Oh man, where do I even begin? So, for some context, Bleach starts when Rukia (a shinigami) gets critically injured saving Ichigo from a monster, and she transfers her powers to him so he can finish it off. Instead of transferring half her powers as planned, however, she transfers all of them, which forces Ichigo to take over her job as a shinigami. During this time period, Rukia... lives in his closet. Yeah. The entire first arc of the manga is dedicated to their relationship, and while a lot of it is playful banter, Rukia's presence in Ichigo's life fundamentally changes it for the better. Rukia then gets kidnapped by the rest of the shinigami who aren't at all happy she gave her powers to a human, and the main plot ensues from there. Throughout the story, Rukia and Ichigo constantly save each other when they're at their worst. When Rukia thinks she deserves to die, Ichigo is there to tell her she deserves to live. When Ichigo is in a funk about his superpowered evil side, Rukia is there to snap him out of it (something his canon love interest explicitly realises she was unable to do). They share a sun/moon motif for crying out loud, and yet like that last sentence said... they don't end up together, but with other people instead. Yeah. No shade to the canon ships, but Ichiruki is peak straightbaiting, honestly. They have a lot of banter/chemistry, fundamentally change eachother's lives for the better, save each other when they're at their lowest, and have a very deliberate sun/moon dichotomy... but they both end up paired off with different characters instead asdfghkl

bow and glimmer:

They didn’t get together until the VERY END of the whole show and even then it was a little ambiguous (was it a BFF “I love you?” 🤷🏼‍♀️)

hardwon surefoot and moonshine cybin:

They’re DnD characters so they’re bi disasters canonically. Just not for each other The best way to describe Hardshine is this: “They’re soulmates” “Platonically or romantically?” “Yes” Literally they care so much about each other. Moonshine cured Hardwon’s vampirism by reincarnating him into a half elf and he told her “I’ve been half elf ever since I met you”. Moonshine is a high level elf druid which means she’ll basically live forever and literally the most emotional scene where she asks her mom “How long do half-elves live?”. Hardwon was always a fish out of water who never really fit in until he found Moonshine and the Crick. Are they dating? Queerplatonic partners? Siblings? Idk man they’re just in love it doesn’t matter how.

good luck everyone! now go vote!

[lastsonlost]

Comedian Ricky Gervais is clearly enjoying himself as he rides the outrage wave from his fan-loved and Hollywood-loathed performance as the host of the Golden Globes Sunday night. After gaining hundreds of thousands of followers as a result of his celebrity slamming performance, Gervais took a moment early Wednesday to provide a helpful list of reminders about humor for his “offended” critics — many of whom happen to be journalists, who Gervais also made sure to mock.

In his instantly famous opening remarks at the awards show Sunday (transcript below), Gervais announced that it was his “last time” hosting the show and then promptly proceeded to do what so many viewers have been longing for a host to do: put virtue-signaling Hollywood in its place. “Let’s go out with a bang, let’s have a laugh at your expense,” he said at the start. “Remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no sequel, so remember that.” After calling out Hollywood hypocrisy — including on sexual misconduct, corporate corruption and human rights abuses — Gervais ended his blistering opening statement by telling all the winners, “If you win, come up, accept your little award, thank your agent, and your God and f*** off, OK?”

His brutal rebuke of Hollywood was met with predictable outrage from many, including media figures and journalists, which Gervais pointed out in one tweet Tuesday.

“I always knew that there were morons in the world that took jokes seriously, but I’m surprised that some journalists do,” he wrote (tweet below). “Surely, understanding stuff is pretty fundamental to their job, isn’t it?” He ended the post by twisting the knife: “Just makes it funnier though, I guess.”

Early Wednesday, Gervais felt compelled to help out some of those particularly suffering from a case of perpetual offense by offering a list of reminders about how humor works and doesn’t work:

1#. Simply pointing out whether someone is left or right wing isn’t winning the argument.

2#. If a joke is good enough, it can be enjoyed by ANYONE!

3#. IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!

4#. Just because you’re offended, doesn’t mean you’re right.

As The Daily Wire reported, Gervais spent Monday after the Globes having fun at his critics’ expense online, ridiculing responses to his performance from The Los Angeles Times, The Hollywood Reporter and The Independent, along with the very show he hosted.

Among his posts was one in which he slammed those calling him “right wing.” “How the f*** can teasing huge corporations, and the richest, most privileged people in the world be considered right wing?” he tweeted (post below).

He also made a point of thanking his hundred of thousands of new followers. “Welcome to the 300,000 new followers I acquired today. I promise you won’t like everything I say, but here’s a sexy photo,” he wrote.

Gervais continued to hit his critics on Tuesday, including retweeting a defense of his Golden Globes jokes by Second Amendment champion Dana Loesch, who called The Independent’s condemnation of Gervais “garbage.”

“Oh garbage,” Loesch wrote. “[Ricky Gervais] demonstrated that good comedians go after everyone. No one should be safe, but the prevailing thought these past 10+ years is that one group IS exempt. They can lecture from the stage but he can’t mock their inconsistencies? You prove his point.”

<I mean if calling out corrupt corporations and the super rich is right wing then I guess the right wing is better at being liberal than liberals.

Below is the transcript of Gervais’ opening comments at the Golden Globes:

You’ll be pleased to know this is the last time I’m hosting these awards, so I don’t care anymore. I’m joking. I never did. I’m joking, I never did. NBC clearly don’t care either — fifth time. I mean, Kevin Hart was fired from the Oscars for some offensive tweets — hello?

Lucky for me, the Hollywood Foreign Press can barely speak English and they’ve no idea what Twitter is, so I got offered this gig by fax. Let’s go out with a bang, let’s have a laugh at your expense. Remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no sequel, so remember that.

But you all look lovely all dolled up. You came here in your limos. I came here in a limo tonight and the license plate was made by Felicity Huffman. No, shush. It’s her daughter I feel sorry for. OK? That must be the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to her. And her dad was in Wild Hogs.

Lots of big celebrities here tonight. Legends. Icons. This table alone — Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro … Baby Yoda. Oh, that’s Joe Pesci, sorry. I love you man. Don’t have me whacked. But tonight isn’t just about the people in front of the camera. In this room are some of the most important TV and film executives in the world. People from every background. They all have one thing in common: They’re all terrified of Ronan Farrow. He’s coming for ya. Talking of all you perverts, it was a big year for pedophile movies. Surviving R. Kelly, Leaving Neverland, Two Popes. Shut up. Shut up. I don’t care. I don’t care.

Many talented people of color were snubbed in major categories. Unfortunately, there’s nothing we can do about that. Hollywood Foreign press are all very racist. Fifth time. So. We were going to do an In-Memoriam this year, but when I saw the list of people who died, it wasn’t diverse enough. No, it was mostly white people and I thought, nah, not on my watch. Maybe next year. Let’s see what happens.

No one cares about movies anymore. No one goes to cinema, no one really watches network TV. Everyone is watching Netflix. This show should just be me coming out, going, “Well done Netflix. You win everything. Good night.” But no, we got to drag it out for three hours. You could binge-watch the entire first season of Afterlife instead of watching this show. That’s a show about a man who wants to kill himself cause his wife dies of cancer and it’s still more fun than this. Spoiler alert, season two is on the way so in the end he obviously didn’t kill himself. Just like Jeffrey Epstein. Shut up. I know he’s your friend but I don’t care.

Seriously, most films are awful. Lazy. Remakes, sequels. I’ve heard a rumor there might be a sequel to Sophie’s Choice. I mean, that would just be Meryl just going, “Well, it’s gotta be this one then.” All the best actors have jumped to Netflix, HBO. And the actors who just do Hollywood movies now do fantasy-adventure nonsense. They wear masks and capes and really tight costumes. Their job isn’t acting anymore. It’s going to the gym twice a day and taking steroids, really. Have we got an award for most ripped junky? No point, we’d know who’d win that.

Martin Scorsese made the news for his controversial comments about the Marvel franchise. He said they’re not real cinema and they remind him about theme parks. I agree. Although I don’t know what he’s doing hanging around theme parks. He’s not big enough to go on the rides. He’s tiny. The Irishman was amazing. It was amazing. It was great. Long, but amazing. It wasn’t the only epic movie. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, nearly three hours long. Leonardo DiCaprio attended the premiere and by the end his date was too old for him. Even Prince Andrew was like, “Come on, Leo, mate. You’re nearly 50-something.”

The world got to see James Corden as a fat pussy. He was also in the movie Cats. No one saw that movie. And the reviews, shocking. I saw one that said, “This is the worst thing to happen to cats since dogs.” But Dame Judi Dench defended the film saying it was the film she was born to play because she loves nothing better than plunking herself down on the carpet, lifting her leg and licking her pussy. (Coughs) Hairball. She’s old-school.

It’s the last time, who cares? Apple roared into the TV game with The Morning Show, a superb drama about the importance of dignity and doing the right thing, made by a company that runs sweatshops in China. Well, you say you’re woke but the companies you work for in China — unbelievable. Apple, Amazon, Disney. If ISIS started a streaming service you’d call your agent, wouldn’t you?

So if you do win an award tonight, don’t use it as a platform to make a political speech. You’re in no position to lecture the public about anything. You know nothing about the real world. Most of you spent less time in school than Greta Thunberg.

So if you win, come up, accept your little award, thank your agent, and your God and fuck off, OK? It’s already three hours long. Right, let’s do the first award.

[mywrittingwonderland]

Bad day (Connor x y/n)

Requested by anon: Jealous Connor blurb Word Count: 1,094 #Blurb day 1

- - - - - -

Tour was very stressful because it meant being away from Y/n, and Connor could not handle any more Skype meetings. He needed a hug so bad from her. He was going kind of crazy already.

To make it even worse, everything was going wrong on his day. He lost his memory card and all the photoshoot he had done with Shawn the day before. They would have to re-take all the pictures, and probably they would hand that material late. All because of the lost card. On top of that, he had the worst headache he had ever had in his life, and he was starting to get sick. The only thing he desperately wanted was to cuddle you till the day was over to make it better, but of course, he couldn't because you were in the university and so far away from his reach. He was trying his best to not start crying and just give up on touring and go home.

"Please pick up, please," He said, hoping that you would be free and could at least talk to him to soothe his heart a little bit.

"You have reached y/n, sorry I can't talk now. If this is Con, I love you baby" He smiled at that, but it was not enough to him. He really needed her badly.

"Fuck!" He said, blaming his fist on a table, closing his eyes and trying to control his breathing.

"Is everything Okay, Con?" Brian asked, looking at the boy's state.

"I can't reach y/n, and I really need to talk with her now." He explains, eyes still closed.

"Hey, why don't you take a break? And try a little bit later? You don't have to film anything now." Brian suggested, and Connor agreed with a nod, slowly walking to his bunk and going for a nap.

He woke up a few hours later feeling a lot better than before, at least the headache was almost gone. He tried y/n one more time, but she still was not answering his calls, he then decided to check Instagram to see if at least he could get a hold of why she was so busy. There were some stories of 2 hours before, they were posted before his call. In the videos she was posing for someone, she was giggling, and at one point she said: "Please stop filming me in my own Instagram Thomas", and then the camera changed to the Thomas person and he simply smiled and said: "But you look gorgeous, we need videos for everyone to see, doesn't she look pretty guys?" He asked, turning the camera to her one more time, she turned her eyes with this. And then the videos were over.

Connor was not the jealous type, but that Thomas person was in his dark list already. He was pissed, not just because of what it was said but because she was letting someone else take cute videos with her. It was their thing to make videos together, videos that they always would keep to themselves.

"Please call me when you have time, I need to talk with you" He sent her in a text.

"Connor, are you feeling better?" Shawn asked, opening the curtain to his bunk.

"No, if much, I am feeling worse now. But don't worry about it, Bro. I just need to say again how sorry I am about losing that card, I really don't know what happened." He said for the 5th time in the day.

"It's okay; actually, Andrew found your card. I was coming to give it back to you and Brian told me you came for a nap because you were not feeling okay." Connor exhaled a relieved breath and took the card back from Shawn, immediately going to his camera bag and placing it where it should have been the entire time.

"I am so glad he found it, remember to thank him later," Connor said. "I am just having a bad day, nothing is wrong, just I really need to talk with Y/n now, but she is too occupied recording videos with Thomas," He said making sure to change his voice to a more serious tone when saying, Thomas.

"Okay? I have no idea what you are talking about. But y/n is crazy about you, I bet she didn't mean any harm. Just wait for her to call you and explain everything before you kill the Thomas guy." Shawn reasoned with the friend and left him alone.

It took more 30 minutes for his phone to ring with your call.

"Hi Baby, I am sorry I didn't see you calling. How are things going?" You said in a happy voice to finally talk with him.

"I had the worst day ever, but how about you and Thomas?" He asked.

"Oh, okay. I see… someone got a little bit jealous of my stories earlier" She said understanding why the text message of early didn't have any I love you or emoji hearts.

"I am not jealous y/n," He argued.

"Baby, he is gay. So if you are, you should really not be. I know videos are our thing, I was just not feeling that good today, and he was trying to help me out. Don't worry, I love you, and only you. I promise." He knew that, he trusted her. And now he was also feeling stupid because her friend really meant nothing but to be her friend.

"I am sorry baby girl, I didn't mean to get jealous, I guess I was just having such a bad day, and I am missing you like crazy, and then I just saw you taking videos with him, and I guess I just wish I could be there doing it instead of him. I am sorry." He said, taking a deep breath after.

"It's okay bubs, do you want to FaceTime? I miss you too, and I didn't have the best day, either. We can talk, maybe put a movie and see it together?" She suggested, and he smiled at that even though she could not see him, soon they were talking about their bad day and watching the movie that won the best photography in the last Oscars.

He still missed her when they had to hang up because he had to prepare te record Shawn at the concert. But it helped to talk and to know that in 2 weeks he would be hugging and kissing her all around her body.

[ijustreallylovezebras]

Courtney’s Crisis Writing Challenge

So yeah as I’m sure all of you are aware of by now I’m having a crisis

and I figured what better way to deal with an emotional crisis than to do a writing challenge and read all the wonderful thing’s y’all can write to distract myself from my ever-growing list of responsibilities

maybe i should change it to Courtney’s Procrastination and Existential Worry Writing Challenge instead

ANYWAY

This is a whole-ass mega writing challenge, going across ALL the people I’ve ever written for and all the people I lowkey want to write for/kinda have a current obsession/love for atm

I’ll give a full comprehensive list below the rules 

But yeah this is going to have an English Literature theme bc I’m a nerd like that and have been reading too many books lately, again, to distract myself

So the prompts are split into three categories - “The Heartbreakingly Beautiful”, “The Hilariously Relateable” and “Fuck I’m Drowning In Fluff”

yeah the categories are just what went through my mind when I read the things these authors wrote

The Rules

1) You don’t have to be following me but it would be nice because I’m lonely and want friends plz

2) If your piece of writing is over 500 words, please use the ‘read more’ feature

3) Reblog this post to get the word out (and tag anyone who may be interested!)

4) It’s going to be one person per prompt but if needed I can add more prompts

5) Smut is fine but please leave warnings as appropriate (THOUGH NO UNDERAGE CHARACTER SMUT THANKS)

6) On the back of that one, no inappropriate pairings pleaseeeeee

7) Also please make sure you leave appropriate warnings at the beginnings of fics if any sensitive subjects are brought up (e.g. mental health etc)

8) Ships and OC’s are welcome

9) Tag me in your writing! - on any of my blogs or all three if you’re keen whoooo

10) Use the hashtag #CourtsCrisisWC

11) If you want to enter send me an ask with the prompt you want and the pairing you’ll be writing it with - again the ask can be sent to either of my writing blogs

12) The deadline for this is 15th December (this can be extended if y’all need it)

Characters/People/Pairings

Okay so imma split this section into parts real quick

Main Blog

1) Pretty much anyone from the MCU is welcome - with the exception of Tony Stark and Clint Barton

2) Tom Holland & Harrison Osterfield and HOCO cast and the Holland boys (NOT PADDY) 

3) Any of Les Amis

4) The characters from Peaky Blinders as well

5) Poly ships (e.g. Steve x Reader x Bucky or Tom x Reader x Harrison)

Side Blog

1) Ben Hardy (+ Warren Worthington)

2) Joe Mazzello (+ Eugene Sledge, Gardner Langway, Pat Murray, Dr Tim Murphy)

3) Gwilym Lee (+ Charlie Nelson)

4) (BoRhap!)Queen members (Freddie only platonically)

5) Roger x Reader x Ben

6) Joe x Reader x Ben

7) The Hargreeves Children (older!Five only)

8) Richard Madden (+ David Budd, Robb Stark, Prince Kit)

9) Taron Egerton (+ Eggsy)

10) Rocketman!Bernie Taupin and Ray Williams

11) Smosh Members

12) Jake Gyllenhaal (+ all his various characters)

13) Chris Evans (+ Ari Levinson, Frank Adler)

Just For Funsies (i.e. current obsessions I don’t officially write for but lowkey want to)

1) Ashton Irwin

2) Calum Hood

3) Sebastian Stan (+ Chris Beck)

tbh y’all can just send me a person and I’ll let you know if I’m cool with you writing for them but judging by this list I think you can rest fairly assured that I’m going to be okay with whoever you want to write for

Prompts

The Heartbreakingly Beautiful

“I have measured out my life in coffee spoons” - The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S Eliot // the most beautiful and wonderful poem ever written don’t fight me on this // ( @writingsoftheloser w/ BLANK)

“I am so busy keeping my head above water that I scarcely know who I am, much less who anyone else is” - The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

“Don’t ever tell anybody anything. If you do you start missing everybody” - The Catcher In The Rye by J.D Salinger ( @takenbyheartstrings w/ Peter Parker)

“I should have made it as hard for you to leave me as it is now for me to leave you” - Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë ( @bensakindofmagic w/ Ben Hardy)

"The universe is bigger than anything that can fit into your mind." - Love Letters To The Dead by Ava Dellaira ( @petersfreckles w/ Peter Parker)

“You never forget the face of the person that is your last hope” - The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins ( @tom-holland-stuff w/ BLANK)

“Hope may be the thing that pulls you forward (may be the thing that keeps you going) but that it’s painful and dangerous and risky it’s making a dare to the world and when has the world ever let us win a dare?” - The Knife of Never Letting Go by Patrick Ness

“We can't fight another person's battle, no matter how much we want to.” - Holding Up The Universe by Jenifer Niven

“I'm sure I never used to be so sensitive. I think it is due to this nervous condition.” - The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman

“Sometimes, I feel the past and the future pressing so hard on either side that there's no room for the present at all.” - Brideshead Revisited by Evelyn Waugh

The Hilariously and Painfully Relatable

“As far as I'm concerned, I came out of the womb spouting cynicism and wishing for rain.” - Solitaire by Alice Oseman

“Real courage is when you know you’re licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what.” - To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

"And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good." - East of Eden by John Steinbeck ( @queen-paladin w/ Joe/Eugene/Charlie/Les Amis boy)

"We cross our bridges as we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and the presumption that once our eyes watered." - Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead by Tom Stoppard ( @lilulo-12 w/ Bucky)

"It's just that…I just think that some things are meant to be broken. Imperfect. Chaotic. It's the universe's way of providing contrast, you know? There have to be a few holes in the road. It's how life is." - The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen ( @sataninsatin w/ Detective Loki)

“It was books that made me feel that I was not completely alone” - The Night Circus by Erin Mogenstern

“Was there some kind of rule against drop kicking arseholes in the face? Probably. They always had rules against things that needed to be done” - Made You Up by Francesca Zappia

“I would challenge you to a battle of wits but I see you are unarmed” - Much Ado About Nothing by William Shakespeare ( @icantspellanything w/ Poe Dameron)

“Some people are born with an ear for music, some people are born with a talent for drawing, some people...have a built-in radar that tells them where a comma needs to go in a sentence.” - Our Chemical Hearts by Krystal Sutherland

“Sometimes people are beautiful. Not in looks. Not in what they say. Just in what they are.” I Am The Messenger by Marcus Zusak

Fuck I’m Drowning In Fluff 

“You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you” - Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin ( @mavalenovaninagavi w/ Andrew Garfield!Peter Parker)

“I love her, and that’s the beginning and end of everything” - The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Flitzgerald ( @angiefangirlworld-2 w/ Ben Hardy)

“Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.” - Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë ( @fichoe21 w/ Bucky)

"The curves of your lips rewrite history." - Picture Of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde ( @sarahp879 w/ Bucky)

"[BLANK] was right. [They] never looked nice. [They] looked like art, and art wasn't supposed to look nice; it was supposed to make you feel something." - Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell ( @writing-of-a-british-bitch w/ Eggsy/Warren)

“Here’s my secret. It’s quite simple: One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eye.” - The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery

“Love is worth everything. Everything.” - Everything Everything by Nicola Yoon

“I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace,  against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be.” - Great Expectations by Charles Dickens ( @natdoesthings w/ Jake Gyllenhaal)

“I just want you to know that you’re very special and the only reason I’m telling you is that I don’t know if anyone else ever has” - The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chebowsky ( @d-is-for-delightfull w/ Enjolras)

“Don’t you understand? You mean more to me than anything in this whole world!” - Peter Pan by J.M Barrie