#and you can Guess how much guilt and anxiety and stress these visions give them

[tiredfoxtf]

I love when people make their self-insert characters very cool heroes in bnha. I really do!!! Good for them.

However my loser-sona is stuck with problems that can be only described as "worse than mine irl" because. Because. Apparently.

[frvnkcastles]

hello my love!!! i was wondering if i could request a fic with a reader who finds it hard to accept affection (even though she loves and craves it), especially in public getting super embarrassed and thinking everyone is staring and judging because why would someone like FRANK be with someone like them??? but frank is just determined at all times to show how much he cares and knows to respect boundaries but also how to push back a little and open the reader up to accepting open affection more. idk if that makes sense? i'm sorry if it doesn't

WITH MY TUNNEL VISION ➵ F. CASTLE

Summary: You struggle with affection, but Frank is determined to give it to you.

Warnings: Hurt/comfort, anxiety, feminine nicknames

Word count: 1.3k

Author’s note: I loved this request so much and I was so worried about not doing it justice, but I tried my best!! I hope you like it :)

Even months after you and Frank had more or less officially started dating, you couldn’t believe how lucky you were. He saw himself as someone damaged and broken, but you thought he was the greatest man you had ever gotten to know, and admired him from inside out. He was caring and protective and no doubt easy on the eyes — and most days, you appreciated that wholeheartedly. Some days, you felt insecure. Full of doubt and wonder that he would choose to be with you, and that only heightened whenever you were out in public together.

So, when Curtis and his girlfriend invited you and Frank to a bar for a night out, you were stressed to say the least. You felt completely out of place, like you had no business being by Frank’s side, his arm casually over your shoulders as he laughed at whatever Curtis had just said.

”You okay?” Frank’s deep voice cut through the buzz in your head, and when he ducked down to brush his lips against your forehead, you instinctively dodged — and in an instant, guilt rushed into your system and you could physically feel the air getting awkward. ”Hey, what’s wrong?” Frank added with a frown, unsure where the hesitation was coming from. You had been fine before going out, not a single sign of being mad at him to be seen, and his kisses well-received.

”I’m gonna get another drink”, you evaded the question, and as you turned for the bar, you could feel their eyes on you. That was the feeling you had wanted to avoid — like you were being watched and judged, and here it was, anyway.

You weren’t by yourself for very long. As soon as you were seated by the bar, Frank was following and leaning against the counter to catch your wandering eyes. ”Sweetheart”, he grunted, tilting his head to meet your gaze, ”talk to me.”

Inhaling sharply, you glanced at him before returning your eyes to the bartender mixing your drink. ”You know what’s wrong”, you insisted, but when Frank just stared back at you, you sighed. ”It’s the… affection. Feels weird in public”, you explained further, and with realization dawning on his face, he slowly nodded.

Hell, he hadn’t been the most touchy person, either. But something about you had made it feel safe and secure again, like it was okay for him to be happy and show that to everyone else.

”Baby… ’m sorry, I… shit, yeah, I do remember you mentionin’ that”, he cleared his throat, watching you closely and aching to touch you. ”How come you don’t like it?” Frank wondered with a tone of sincerity, not trying to push your buttons but to understand you better — and as much as you wanted to be frustrated, you understood that.

”I dunno”, you shrugged, but you already knew he wasn’t going to take that for an answer. ”I guess I just feel like people will stare. And—and judge me”, you went on, and with an incredulous chuckle, Frank knitted his eyebrows together.

”Judge you?” he repeated with confusion, and nodding, you drew a generous sip from your drink.

”Yeah, you know, just… you’re… you. And I’m just me. And why would you choose to be with me, right? Everyone can see it. You could do so much better and I swear, if people see you kissing me, they’ll just wonder what you’re doing with me, wasting your time on me”, you rambled, and by the end of your rant, you were flustered and looking around to make sure you hadn’t been too loud. Even now, with Frank only inches away from you, you were sure eyes were on you.

Frank processed your words for a moment. ”Hey, you know that’s total bullshit, right?” he spoke finally, giving you a grave look, his curious smile long gone. ”If anything, people will wonder what a stunner like you is doing with an ugly mug like mine. And even if that were the case, I don’t really fuckin’ care what other people think. You’re my girl, and no one else matters”, he defended you, seething at the mere idea of someone looking at you wrong.

”Did ya see someone starin’? ’Cause you know I’ll fight ’em”, he changed his tone suddenly, glancing around to pinpoint any lurkers, but you quickly placed a calming hand on his forearm.

”I didn’t. It’s just my anxieties, that’s all”, you sighed in defeat, and taking in a breath, Frank turned back to you and nodded.

”And you know it’s all lies, right? Just your head tryna mess with my girl”, he pointed out, and as much as you wanted to justify your fears somehow, you couldn’t help but admit he was right.

”So, here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna agree on a safeword that you can use if it gets too much. Until you say it, I’mma dote on you ’til you’re spoiled rotten, ’cause I wanna show you how much I goddamn admire you and I don’t really care who’s around to see”, he proposed, and with a smile curving your lips back up, you stared at him in disbelief — here he was proving yet again that he was everything.

”Deal.”

You tried your very best to tolerate the public displays of affection, because truthfully, you wanted them. You craved his touch and his attention, and behind closed doors, you were hungry for it. So you tried to extend the same courtesy out and about, pushing your own limits because deep down you knew he was right about other people not mattering.

And the greatest part was seeing how happy Frank was. You were the first serious relationship he had found himself in since Maria and it had taken him a long time to relearn how to be in one. But slowly, he had unraveled what worked for him and you, and discovered that he really, really wanted to show his girl off.

So whenever you were out, he made sure to hold your hand or have his arm around your shoulders. Every now and then he would lean in to kiss your forehead or cheek, sometimes even lips, and you were learning how to lean in instead of pull away.

A month later you were back at the same bar with Curt and his girlfriend, on a night when it was especially busy. Frank could tell you were nervous, but trusting in the progress you had made together, he kept you close to him.

”So, things are good?” Curtis queried while Frank was getting you a new drink, and with a beaming smile, you nodded.

”Things are great. He makes me really happy”, you chuckled sheepishly, and just in time, Frank appeared from behind you, handing over your drink.

”Who’s the lucky guy?” he grinned, and softly nudging him, you snorted.

And then, as if it was the most natural thing, you thanked him for the drink by giving him a kiss, and as soon as your lips left his, you could see the amazed stare in his eyes. Immediately, you realized what you had done, and you opened your mouth to say something, but panic washed over you and you were rendered speechless.

”No, no, baby, it’s okay. You did good. You did perfectly”, Frank breathed out, his eyes full of love as he leaned down to cup your cheeks and kiss your nose and jaw and forehead. ”No one’s lookin’, I promise. It’s just you and me, right?” he whispered, resting his forehead against yours.

You caught your breathing and managed a nod, and when you glanced at Curtis and found him preoccupied with his girlfriend, relief washed over you. ”Yeah, it’s okay”, you swallowed when you looked around, confirming that truly, no one cared. No one was judging.

”Love you”, Frank spoke quietly before leaving a kiss right next to your ear, and squeezing his hand, you dropped your head on his shoulder.

”Love you.”

[razorblade180]

Shackles Finale: Free

[Part 12]

Destiny is a fickle thing. For some it’s real, and for others it’s as fake as fairy tales. No matter what however, time still goes on. Things still happen. Ruby was never one to think too hard on the topic despite all she’s been through. However, as she walked into Menagerie’s hospital soaking wet from the extreme downpour happening in the middle of the night, Ruby couldn’t help but wonder if it was destiny to test everyone’s resolve; or karma coming to collect.

Her self imposed mission had been going well. Adam cooperated, Blake planned ahead, and things progressed steadily. It should’ve stayed like that for three more months. Unfortunately things don’t always go as planned. Jacquelyn went into labor early, too early. The woman woke up today looking fit as a fiddle. Who could’ve guessed she would be fighting for her life today? Her, and her daughter?

Hospital staff were in a frenzy from the storm just like the public. It made getting to the back where everyone was without suspicion easy for Ruby. Certain doctors were notified ahead of time of the complexities of their patient and precautions had already been in place for Jacquelyn and company to have no disturbances. Though nobody factored in an unhealthy birth creating this island’s worst storms to date. Ruby made it to the sealed off waiting room. What should’ve been a haven of calm was another conflict. Blake stood arms folded and ears back in the way of guards and her conflicted father while Adam sat behind her, silent.

“You know I expected more from you, Saber. That goes double for you dad.”

The man frowned. “Blake, this wasn’t my-”

“We have held our end of the agreement.” Saber interjected, “Adam was to be free until the child was born. Not my problem that day came early.”

Blake grit her teeth. “You know damn well that’s not why I’m standing here right now!” She said through her teeth. His kid had just been born moments ago and just like that, she was rushed to intensive care. Meanwhile Jacquelyn was slipping in and out, her body failing her during the labor. “Let him see this through.”

“What good would it do him to hear terrible news? He’ll lash out for all we know. That can not happen in a hospital!”

“You just want to kick him while he’s down!”

“AND FOR GOOD REASON!”

Okay, Ruby had enough. “HEY!” She yelled, gaining everyone’s attention. She brushed her wet hair out of her face. “I set up generators across the island. No one's gonna lose power. I also told people Menagerie’s guards were making their rounds to make sure everyone was accounted for. I don’t mean to overstep being an outsider and all but…” her eyes burrowed into Saber’s “Get to work.” It wasn’t kind or even right necessarily, but Ruby didn’t care.

Feeling the pressure, Saber made the wise decision to take his people and leave. Ghira looked at Blake with guilt in his eyes for letting it get this far. “Listen I-”

“You know I understand mom not wanting anything to do with this, but I didn’t expect this from you. It’s like you’re trying to create every reason to push him back into old habits and make all this worthless. We will hold up our end of the bargain, so teach them what you tell me and have some patience.”

Ghira didn’t want to admit it, but she was right. There was caution, and then there was insensitivity. He had no words, just a nod before walking away.

Ruby grabbed his arm in passing. “She knows this wasn’t your call. Blake is stressed. Your house still has power. Ilia is with Kali trying to calm down Sienna and Sun is helping check on people. Maybe you should go home too?” Ruby smiled softly. She knew a worried father when she saw one. Ghira needed something to do.

“I appreciate the concern Mrs. Rose, but I think I’ll just stand guard outside this room.”

“Understood, and hey, things will work themselves out.” Ruby let him go and headed from one worried feline to the next. “You know he’s not to blame right? He’s just…trying to keep everyone connected.”

Blake let out a sigh, rubbing the bridge of her nose. “I know that, and I also know he’s not going to lose me. But right now I really need everyone to not jump the gun. Thanks for keeping the peace. Maybe I should’ve paid more attention to your leadership skills.”

“I just got snippy with faunus officers on their own island. Really testing my boundaries with my status as an important huntress across Remnant.” Ruby patted Blake on the back. “You should go check in on the doctors. I’ll do my job watching our person of interest.”

“Okay.” Blake looked back at Adam. He stayed quiet throughout all of this, eyes closed and arms crossed. He must’ve figured the best thing he could do right now is not look threatening. “I’ll let you know first if anything changes okay?”

He still didn’t move but that didn’t stop him from speaking. “Thank you.” He heard Blake run off in a hurry while the sound of chair legs rubbed the ground in front of him. Adam opened his one good eye and saw Ruby sitting in front of him with her scroll in hand.

“You know…I can’t remember when a day has felt this long.” Ruby sighed, “Moments like these is enough to just make you want stop time ya know?”

“I don’t need sympathy.”

“Wasn’t giving any. Just venting I guess. My husband sent me a text. I’m missing a very important arrival today; not that it’s your fault by any means. I just know it’s gonna be grounds for a conversation later that might get feisty, again.”

Adam could see how tired Ruby was. The normally energetic woman was leaning back in her seat, eyes closed.

“Maybe you shouldn’t take long missions then?”

“Pfft nah. I don’t regret helping where I can. Besides I didn’t know until after I took the mission. Things will work themselves out though. That’s how family works. Believe in each other and the impossible happens.”

“I know what you’re doing. It’s not gonna work. Just stop talking okay?”

Ruby pursed her lips. Years of leadership didn’t prepare her talks like these. She had to say something though. It was hard to explain, but Ruby could feel the importance of this moment. Good or bad news, bottling this up would make anyone go insane. Ruby reached down her shirt and lifted her necklace. It was a silver cross with red roses wrapped around it. She took it off and dangled it on her fingers, scooting closer to Adam.

“My dad and uncle gave this to me on my birthday. They said…sometimes you need a piece of faith when you don’t have any yourself. I’m not really religious but apparently my mom used to pray after she knew there was nothing left she could do herself. Hehe, it’s a Rose mentality.” Ruby put it in Adam’s hand and curled it. “Don’t tell anyone this, but it’s pretty cool that you are your own kind of rose. Makes me feel like we’re connected in a way. Keep that. I know it’ll fit you.”

Adam remained quiet. He stared down at the trinket in his hand until his vision blurred. His body trembled. Slowly he clenched the cross. “I have no right to pray for anything. If destiny or whatever you want to call it exists then it’s only fair I get punished.”

Ruby frowned, “Hey that’s-” she cut herself short, not expecting Adam to put his other hand over the cross; his forehead pressing against them as he closed his eyes.

“Punish me.” He uttered weakly. “Me, not them. Leave everyone else out of it.” The first and only prayer he’ll ever make. His life could be at destiny’s whim forever as long as the ones who fought for him didn’t get burned.

Ruby stood from her seat and knelt down, grabbing his hands and joining the prayer. All while Ghira watched silently from the entrance.

For several hours, It was out of everyone’s hands. A roll of the dice, luck of the draw, fate, gods, destiny, whatever anyone wanted to call it; that was the only thing left and no one dared to keep track of the time out of anxiety. It was a scary, humbling feeling for certain. It was also the purest reminder that life wasn’t fair. Bad things happen to good people, hard work is left with nothing, and sometimes… a sinner’s prayers get heard.

The doors flung open with Blake breathless. “Adam…” she panted, eyes bigger than the smile on her face. “She’s-” the tears shed caught her off guard. The two roses stared blankly before Adam stood. Blake moved out of the doorway and he took it as a sign. ‘Run.’ Adam ran and no one dared to stop him.

“Back room.” Blake said, walking to her father. Ruby got up as well and joined the two. Blake looked at the red faced girl. The feline giggled softly while wiping Ruby’s tears. “And here I thought I knew how big your heart was?”

Ruby laughed as she tried to stop sniffling. “It’s not what it looks like. Seeing him sit there with his demons like that, it reminded me of how my dad and uncle qrow used to look when mom was brought up. Sorry, got a little compromised.”

“Welcome to the club. Dad, sorry I-”

Ghira wrapped his arm around Blake. “Don’t apologize. I tell you to take things slow and yet I tried rushing to the end of this. I’m sorry. I can’t say what lies in store for Adam next, but I suppose…I’ll have to keep more of an open mind. He’s earned that much.”

Ruby shook her head and sighed. “If I’m being honest, personally I think everyone has been a bit silly. Including my lovable sis. You all make it sound like he’s been trouble free for six months when that isn’t the case. I can’t say if he’s been perfect or not but the fact that Remnant thinks he died at Argus has to mean something, right? I certainly can’t link him to any world threatening incidents since then. He’s been minding his business for a couple years now. Is locking him up really gonna change anything? I mean it wouldn’t matter if Cinder was in or out of jail for me. I’d still be wary and pissed. Your men’s feelings about him wouldn’t change because of a cell. But hey, that’s just me.”

Ruby put her hands behind her hand and walked off. “I’m gonna step out for a moment and make a call.” She looked out a window. To her surprise, the rain had stopped. Ruby dialed Yang’s number. “Hey sis! Beautiful day to start a family. So, what’s my precious little niece’s name?”

xxxx

Adam reached the back room and pushed the door open to find Jacquelyn in bed, startled by his entrance before giving him a grin. Her skin had a sickly yellow dinge to it and she was covered in sweat. Still she smiled, holding a small infant as doctors looked at vitals and did their work.

“Awe, have you been crying? I’m sorry. Guess we gave you a fright.”

One of the nurses looked at the maiden like she was crazy. “Ma’am you slipped into a coma. Please don’t try and move around much.”

“I was a little tired, that's all. Heh…guess we finally found something I’m not good at? That’s un- oh…” Adam put his arms around her and the baby. Odd, to think he could hold something this gently? His presence soothed her into leaning into the embrace, humming quietly to both him and the new arrival. A premature baby with red hair, and tiny horns.

The doctor, naturally sworn to confidentiality, watched from the sidelines. “I’d like to congratulate you with confidence, but these two aren’t out of the woods yet. While I expect Jacquelyn to bounce back with time, your daughter is pretty frail. We have her stable for the time being but the heart is a complex organ even when fully developed. We’re going to have to keep her for a while just to make sure she’ll grow up healthy. Rest assured, I will do everything in my power for her.”

“Thank you.” Adam looked at his daughter’s round face. She opened her eyes to reveal two pools or bright blue. “Hmmm.”

“Something wrong?” Jacquelyn asked.

“She’ll have a hard time, with these features going for her. I was hoping she’d look more like you.”

“Oh hush. She’s beautiful like this. Though maybe I am a little jealous she doesn’t have my hair. Still, real big fan of those eyes.” She kissed his cheek. “We’ll do our best and then some.”

The doctor pulled out some paperwork. “Now then, I’m going to need a name. Her record won’t be too expensive in terms of…background history, but she’ll need the basics as best as possible. Especially in her condition.”

“Wanna name her after your mother, or even your sister?”

Adam shook his head, “I think we already have enough namesakes. Let her be free from that. You decide. I was never really good at these kinds of things.”

“Oooo okay. Don’t come crying later if you think of a good one. A free spirited name for our little kid.” Jacquelyn giggled to herself. “Got it. How about we name her…”

“Hehe, That’s a perfect name.” The two roses spoke.

[stxphxn-strange]

will you hold this? (it’s my heart)

a/n: i wanted to write some sad fluff, like well everything is going to be ok, but is it? and it’s kinda just me sharing my experience via college AU!tony.

Of course they could talk without saying anything out loud. They’d been inseparable almost from the first day they met, their childhood codewords evolving into a serious language of gazes and expressions. They could have an entire conversation just by looking into each other’s eyes, far away from anything else that was going on around them. Sometimes their conversations were so fast, you’d miss them if you so much as blinked. Anthony knew Stephen like the back of his hand (and vice versa) and could read him like a book. To be fair, Anthony was of the opinion that reading Stephen’s facial expressions and their subtle changes was more interesting than most books. And that was, in a weird way of arriving at the conclusion, part of the problem.

It wasn’t Stephen’s fault, in fact it had nothing to do with him whatsoever, but books and articles and journals didn’t hold Anthony’s attention sometimes. It didn’t matter how passionate he was about the subject matter, sometimes his brain just didn’t want to absorb anything. He’d stare at the wall, or sometimes at nothing, following a thought process that didn’t always make sense. More often than not, it was just an avalanche of one (1) idea after another, leaving him confused and upset. How come he could sing an entire song in his head or invent a new product, but not focus on the pages in front of him?

And of course Anthony didn’t want to give himself too much credit, he wasn’t that brilliant and his thoughts/mind weren’t the only thing that distracted him. Sometimes he’d click open a new tab and follow internet discourse.

Sometimes he’d scroll through old texts.

Sometimes he’d send some new texts.

Sometimes he’d stand abruptly and wander aimlessly for a few minutes. What he did tended to vary, but his focus consistently left the task at hand. If he was listening to someone, or trying to listen to someone, he’d bite his lip, touch his face, tear at the hole on the knee of his jeans, or something similar just to deal with the realization that he was occupying his body. He was too often gripped by the realization that he was a corporeal being, leaving him desperately needing to feel the environment around him, just as a reminder that he was alive. Sometimes he wondered about how and why he still existed, but today wasn’t one of those days.

Anthony hadn’t asked himself any questions relating to his mortality in awhile, and he didn’t want to. He could deal with fidgeting as a reminder that he was a living thing, he couldn’t deal with wondering why. All of his anxiety was, ironically enough, focused on the fact that he couldn’t focus on a damn thing. There wasn’t time to let his mind wander into any dark corners, but Anthony didn’t know that he’d be able to collect his thoughts if it did. So after picking up his phone for the third time, just to play a quick game and see if Rhodey texted him back (he didn’t, because he was in a lecture and Anthony knew that but still checked his phone every few minutes), Anthony subtly shoved his phone in Stephen’s direction.

Stephen looked up as he saw Anthony’s hand in his peripheral vision, fingertips lingering near the top right corner of his notebook. That was one of the clearest signs that he wanted or needed something but was hesitant to bring it up.

“What’s up Ant?”

“May I ask a small favor?”

Stephen rolled his eyes fondly. “There’s no limit to the things I’d do for you, but go on.”

“Will you hold my phone in your bag?” Anthony asked, a bit sheepishly. “I’ll take it back once we’re home.”

“Sure,” Stephen replied, not thinking twice about the request. He brushed his fingers lightly against Anthony’s as he grabbed his boyfriend’s phone.

Anthony let out a sigh. “Thanks.”

“What’s wrong?” Stephen asked, holding his hand properly.

“I just can’t really focus,” Anthony confessed. “I should’ve finished all of this ages ago, but my mind is just elsewhere. I must be distracted because you’re too pretty.”

“I’m fucking gorgeous, but that’s not why you’re distracted and we both know it,” Stephen replied, his tone firm but sweet.

Anthony shrugged. “I don’t really know what it is. I just can’t seem to concentrate, even as I’m trying to do multiple things at once. I’m trying to make up for lost, wasted time I guess? But I can’t focus on one (1) thing, let alone four (4).”

Stephen frowned at the look of distress on Anthony’s face, letting go of his hand for a moment just to brush his hair back. He smiled as Anthony leaned into the caress, relaxing just a bit.

Every bit counted! But beneath Anthony’s little moment of bliss, he was unsettled and frantic. Stephen reached for his hand again, sending Anthony a knowing smile as he began to draw circles on the back of Stephen’s hand with his thumb.

Anthony cocked his head to the right and frowned, tapping his pen on the desk with his other hand. A look of fear and regret flashed in his eyes as he let go of Stephen’s hand. “I didn’t mean to distract you too.”

“You know I can’t resist you,” Stephen replied teasingly, trying to convey that he wasn’t actually upset.

But Anthony wasn’t convinced, crossing his legs nervously and looking at Stephen with guilt-stricken eyes.

“I’m not actually upset or annoyed or anything like that,” Stephen assured him. “I promise.”

Anthony just nodded and slouched uncomfortably in the chair he’d been sitting in for the past few hours. He eyed the stack of papers in front of him with disinterest, trying to convince himself to just finish reading and start this damn essay. He knew that looking at the articles wasn’t going to help him absorb the information, but he wasn’t getting anywhere by trying to read and it was so FUCKING frustrating.

He sighed and opened his laptop again, mentally committing to just getting the outline of his paper done. It wouldn’t be that painful, right?

Actually it could. Even though Anthony stood up to stretch, walked to the bathroom, got some water, and doodled just to keep his mind busy while he tried to take some notes and start his outline, nothing worked. And again, it was REALLY fucking frustrating.

Beside him, Stephen quietly closed a book. “Want to head home?”

Anthony hesitated, looking for a minute like he was going to decline. Eventually he nodded, feeling a little like he was admitting defeat. He’d come back to the essay later, he always finished his tasks... but he hated how long it took him to do them.

“Come on,” Stephen said gently. He stood up and reached out to hug Anthony against his side. “What should we make for dinner?”

++++

Anthony was uncharacteristically quiet for most of the night, which worried Stephen and their housemates. Stephen knew Anthony was upset and that he always dimmed himself when he was lost in his head, but he was rarely this eerily silent. He didn’t touch his work for the rest of the night, trying to make sense of his day and watching Stephen and Carol argue about movies once she and Pepper came over.

Stephen would glance at him every now and then, finding obvious stress in his tired expression. Even though Anthony seemed relaxed, sitting next to Rhodey and occasionally adding a joke to their conversation, he was tense and edgy. Sometimes his sleepy facade would sort of slip, and Stephen could see how much stress he was hiding in his tired eyes.

After spectating a Mario Kart tournament for a few rounds (Pepper insisted on challenging Rhodey with everyone present, raising the stakes of the competition), Anthony slipped over to the other side of the room where Stephen was. While Stephen was still sitting, Anthony hugged him, clearly enjoying the reversal of their height difference.

Stephen found he didn’t mind it as Anthony rubbed his back and softly kissed his hair. With a smile, Stephen looked up at him and pressed his chin into Anthony’s shoulder. “Hi. I’m surprised you aren’t gloating about being taller than me since I’m sitting down.”

Anthony just shrugged. “I didn’t come over to brag. I think I’m going to bed, though. I’m tired.”

“I’m surprisingly not,” Stephen remarked. “But I don’t blame you, weren’t you up late last night?”

“Yeah. I almost fell asleep in the kitchen trying and failing to write that damn essay,” Anthony muttered.

Stephen frowned. “Go get some rest, love. You deserve it, and you need it. I’ll probably come to bed soon.”

“Sounds good,” Anthony replied, kissing the top of Stephen’s head again. He addressed the group then, saying a quick goodnight and hugging Pepper and Carol before wandering towards his room.

Overcome with tiredness and a need to be close to his boyfriend, Stephen left for bed not 30 minutes later. Anthony was shrouded in the scent of vanilla and residual steam from the shower, his damp hair tucked away under the hood of an old sweatshirt his mother had given him.

He was curled up near the center of the bed, resting on a pile of throw pillows he hadn’t bothered to move, his eyes following the screen of their TV.

“Villager hunting? Who moved out?” Stephen asked, realizing that his boyfriend was playing New Horizons.

“Filbert,” Anthony replied, his avatar running the hell away from some wasps. “I’m looking for Pietro now, Clown Town isn’t complete without him.”

Stephen rolled his eyes. “I still can’t believe that’s what you named your island. I think I have some extra tickets I can give you if you need.”

“This is my first mystery island, but I might take you up on that,” Anthony said, with a soft smile.

++++

“Did you come to bed at all last night?” Stephen asked, resting his cheek against Anthony’s shoulder.

“Yeah, don’t you remember?” Anthony asked softly.

“How would I? I was asleep,” Stephen reminded him.

“No I know, but you do this cute thing whenever I come to bed late, I guess it’s a subconscious thing, where as soon as I lay down you always reach for me and end up holding me,” Anthony replied. “It’s adorable. Kinda like this spooning thing we’re doing right now, except not because I’m usually facing you.”

Stephen smiled, hugging him closer. “Well I do sleep better with you.”

Anthony blushed, amazed that Stephen’s affection could catch him off guard sometimes. “I love you.”

“I love you too, dumbass,” Stephen replied. “Although I still can’t believe you didn’t take Raymond on the last island you were on.”

“I’m not looking for him. If I’m going to bring a smug villager to Clown Town, it’s going to be Pietro!” Anthony said, laughing quietly at Stephen’s sudden outburst.

(Actually, that was only the beginning of Stephen’s outburst.)

“Raymond is my favorite villager, and you know it! This is a betrayal, the greatest disappointment of this century, and I’m so upset,” Stephen complained, exaggerating every word. “I’m absolutely devastated!”

Anthony knew he was joking, but he started to wonder if Stephen could be disappointed in him for not trying harder to concentrate. He shelved that thought for a minute, running in a circle around another villager. Instead of voicing what really bothered him, he asked: “I thought Dizzy is your favorite villager?”

“Dizzy is my favorite on my island, Raymond is my literal dream villager,” Stephen explained. “I was going to visit him on your island! I feel so betrayed, Anthony!”

“Raymond is alright I guess, but—”

“He’s the best villager in the game! And he kind of reminds me of you,” Stephen cut him off.

“Ah, that explains why I dislike him for some reason,” Anthony quipped.

“Anthony.” Stephen changed his tone, his voice soft and loving in contrast to how bitter his boyfriend sounded.

“What? I’m just saying. Nothing that reminds you of me could possibly be a good thing,” Anthony explained.

Stephen frowned, hugging him even closer. “I call bullshit. I’ve never come across anything I think that’s ‘bad’ that reminds me of you. Only good things.” 

Anthony scoffed. “If you say so. If nobody moves to my island by tomorrow, will you give me some of your NMTs?” 

“Of course,” Stephen replied. He paused before speaking again. “How are you feeling, by the way?” 

“Tired,” Anthony said, saving his game and putting his Switch away. He saw Stephen frowning again, this time at his absence, and quickly returned to bed and his boyfriend’s arms. “And also discouraged. Sorry I insisted that you held my phone earlier, I was thinking if it was out of sight I wouldn’t be distracted and it didn’t even work so all I really did was bother you when you were reading and I’m sorry.” 

“Hey, remember what I always tell you? It’s never bothersome to support you and be around for you,” Stephen replied. “I know you don’t always believe it, but I’ll just keep telling you. And I’m sorry you had a hard time today.” 

“It’s not just today, Steph,” Anthony remarked. “I’ve been thinking about it kind of a lot recently, and I’ve had trouble sitting still, concentrating, not getting distracted, etc. since third grade at least. I’ve just noticed it more recently and it’s made me more anxious since I notice it more.”

Stephen just hummed, softly kissing his cheek. He knew Anthony wasn’t done talking, but always liked to silently offer support/affection/reassurance.

“I don’t have my thoughts together very well, I just feel stupid for not being able to focus,” Anthony continued. “Today I couldn’t focus on more than a sentence without a distraction, and I’m not sure if I hate myself or if I want to be forgiving just this once.”

“Be gentle with yourself,” Stephen urged. “I know you’re trying. You thought about how to minimize your distractions, and I know you like to plan your time. It might be hard to follow your plans, or to keep from getting distracted, but you’re doing your best.”

“I’m going to talk to my mother about this tomorrow,” Anthony said. “Maybe she has some advice on how to deal with it? Is it stupid to hope that I’ll be able to fix myself with just some advice?”

“You’re not broken, Anthony, so there’s nothing to fix. But for the sake of your analogy, no. You are an engineer, after all, and a problem solver. Just promise me you’ll try to be kind to yourself?” Stephen asked.

“No promises. I really fucking hate myself for not completing something as trivial as that essay,” Anthony muttered. “It’ll get done eventually. I guess that’s reassuring.”

tags: @stark-strange-love2 @ah3m @thespacecryptid @chocopiggy @kiwidino @ironstrange-chaos @majesticnerdynerd @spooky-n-spunky @doctorstephenvincentstarkstrange @maya-custodios-dionach

[deliberatelyvague]

This Too Shall Pass(obey me)

Prologue (1/?)

Started: April 15, 2020 at 9:47pm

Ended: April 15, 2020 at 10:54pm

Word Count: 2,069

Pairing(s): none yet

Trigger Warning(s): mentions of an eating disorder

Author’s Note: man I didn’t know where I was going with this one, either, but it seems like I’m making a series now. I was pretty much just ranting at the beginning about my life, and decided, yeah, that’s a good place to start, and viola, here we go.

Request/Prompt: nope, just my mind telling me to do it.

————

You had always been on the heavier side when it came to your weight. Ever since you were in elementary school, you always weighed more than everyone else. It was never a big issue to you until you hit middle school and your doctor started saying something about it.

You knew it was for your better health, so you didn’t try to take it to heart. She laid out a plan and you, along with your family, tried to stick to it.

But the gnawing, guilty feeling in your gut made you want to just stop the diet. It was obviously weighing hazardous on your parents, then being forced to buy ‘healthier’ options which in turn made them more expensive options, and your family was never the most rich, just having enough to live moderately comfortably.

So, the next time you went to the doctor and you had lost around 30 pounds, you were praised. Your doctor was proud of you, your parents were proud of you. And you thought all was fine.

But you gained the weight back. By eighth grade you had gained it back and more, by ninth grade you weighed 20 pounds more than your original weight in sixth grade.

“Are you stress eating?” Your mom asked you. Around this time of your life was stressful, you were being thrust into a new school, a whole new teaching environment, not to mention any clubs you had decided to join. Your depression and anxiety has also ridden you. But you told her you hadn’t, because you really hadn’t been stress eating, you just didn’t think much about what you ate.

The doctor wasn’t as nervous about this weight gain, though, because you had joined a ‘sport’, and you would most likely be losing some of that weight.

But you didn’t lose that weight, you stayed the same. So you made your new year’s tradition to lose weight. You started counting calories, making yourself a minimum of 1,300 and a maximum of 1,500. It worked great! The next time you went to the doctor, which was when you had a sickness and needed to get medicine for it, you had lost 15 pounds, and you were proud of yourself, and your parents and everyone around you were proud.

You didn’t feel like you needed to lose weight. But, the next year rolled around, and you were trying to get closer to your crush. You tried to text them and just talk to them, but they eventually just said

‘I’m just putting this out there, there isn’t anything going on between us and there never will be’

It stung, oh it really stung. You hadn’t even implied anything, and they still told you that. You played it off like you were trying to get anything, but you knew you were lying to yourself.

Then you found out they had a crush on a girl that you were friends with, who was noticeably skinnier than you. You took that to heart. They wanted a skinny girl, not one that was double the size of her.

So, you started counting calories again. But this time, you didn’t set a minimum, you were eating at most 1,300 calories, but some days you were eating less. Nothing below 500, but then you noticed how quickly the weight dropped. So, you cut out breakfast, snacks, and lunch.

Your friends were worried, but your parents didn’t notice. Your mom and dad knew you were counting calories, and they cheered you on, thinking you were eating the proper amount, and you didn’t tell them anything different.

But then, your mom started making little remarks here and there. You didn’t think she meant them to be actually mean or hurtful, but they were like a dagger in your already sore back.

“Yeah, she just measures her food, and half the time she has more on her plate than I do!” You cut your meals in half after that. Her saying that made you feel fat. But she was right, a lot of the time you did have more food on your plate, but not anymore.

Then you hit a wall in your weight loss.

“It’s probably because all you do is lay in bed all day. You need to start exercising.” Again, she was right. You were just laying in bed all day. So, you started going on walks, using an app to help you keep track of how many calories you burned.

Then you realized how easily you can cut down more calories and also burn fat off, so you continued to exercise. The weight started to come off again.

But you were still fat. You were still heavier than most people your age. You hated it.

You had gone on your daily run. You were tired of being trapped inside, so you put on your shorts and a tank top and grabbed your phone, some sunglasses, and your earbuds and went running.

Now here you were, standing in a new environment after being zapped from your world. You wore a black jacket, with an almost turquoise turtleneck underneath, a skirt that hit your mid-thigh, tights, and flats.

Your eyes met with a pair of golden ones, and a man wearing almost the exact same jacket as you but in a crimson color was looking at you. A grin adorned his face, and you couldn’t help but give a small smile back.

“Welcome to the Devildom, [Y/N],” he greeted, his voice coming out younger than you thought it would.

‘Wait, Devildom?’ You thought to yourself. ‘I must have passed out due to low sugar, I knew I should have drank a Gatorade before I went on my run, but-’

“Oh, pardon me, feeling a bit shocked, are we?” His smile was quickly replaced with a frown. You had just met this man and already you felt your heart start to flutter a little bit at his concern. “Well, that’s understandable, you’ve only just arrived, after all.”

‘Calm down, [Y/N], he’s not interested in you.’ You told yourself.

“As a human, it will probably take a little while for you to adjust to things here in the Devildom,” he said, his face going stoic again. You stayed quiet, just choosing to look at him. You sure as hell were not going to feed into this low-sugar induced dream. “I suppose I should start by introducing myself. My name is Diavolo,” he gave a smile again. “I am the ruler of all demons and all here know of me. And someday soon, I will be crowned king of the Devildom.”

You had a flash to a vision outside, a city outline met your view and a bunch of dark shades of red, blues, and purples flitted across your vision.

“This is the Royal Academy of Diavolo, though we just call it RAD. You’re standing inside the assembly hall, the very heart of RAD. This is where we officers of the student council hold our meetings and conduct our business. I’m the president of said council.” He tells you, looking directly at you after admiring the room.

“Why am I here?” You questioned, your arms crossing over your chest.

“I will explain everything to you,” another male voice sounded next to Diavolo. This man was shorter, leaner, and had a black jacket on like yours. He had black hair and an almost angry look on his face, but he seemed like he was one to have a resting angry face.

“[Y/N], this is Lucifer. He is a demon and the Avatar of Pride.” Diavolo introduces him, and you shake your head. This isn’t funny anymore, you just wanted to wake up.

You weren’t going to let your subconscious guilt-trip you into believing in that stuff anymore. Your church had cast you out, and you vowed to do the same to them.

“He’s also the Vice President of the student council and my right-hand man, and not just in title, I assure you.” Diavolo explains more, and you looked between the two of them. Were they lovers? You weren’t going to judge them, they would make a cute couple, but that’s one of the worst ways to tell someone that someone else is taken that you think you’ve ever heard. “Beyond that, he is one of my most trusted friends.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere, Diavolo,” Lucifer says with an uninterested look on his face. He turned to you. “Speaking on the behalf of the entire student body and this great and storied school of ours, I offer you a most heart full welcome, [Y/N].” He smiled after you.

You only frowned.

“On behalf of the students?”

“Diavolo believes that we demons should start strengthening our relationships with both the human world and the Celestial Realm.” No, you refused to believe this is real.

Maybe you had died? You had always been told that you were going to hell, maybe you pushed yourself too hard and you hit your head when you passed out and died. That would make much more sense than this being a dream. It seemed too, lifelike almost.

“As a first step toward this goal, we’ve decided to institute an exchange program. We’ve sent two of our students to the human world and two to the Celestial Realm. And we’re welcoming four students to ours: two form your world and two from the Celestial Realm.”

You purse your lips. Yeah, you had to be dead, there’s no other way to explain this. You guess when you die, you just become an ‘exchange student’ and your place gets taken by another being. Is that some twisted type of reincarnation that your church never taught you about? Your church falsely taught you a lot of things, so that was probably just something they hopped over because it didn’t fit their agenda.

“So, I take it you’ve probably put two and two together at this point, right?” He asks. “You’ve been chosen from among the people of the human world to participate in this program of ours. You are our newest exchange student.”

A feeling settled into your stomach. No, this was real. You weren’t dead, or passed out. This was real.

“Your period of stay is one year. You will have to work on the tasks that you will receive from RAD. After one year, you will write a paper about your exchange here in the Devildom.”

You were taken aback. Hold the phone for a moment.

“Write a paper?” You questioned, taking a step back.

“I am not telling you to write a doctoral thesis. You can take it easy,” he tried to semi-comfort, hit also giving you a ‘tough luck’ look. So you gave him one back, and glared at him. “Don’t glare at me like that. It’s not like I will abandon you all by yourself here in the Devildom. You need someone to look after you, and I think that someone should be my brother Mammon.”

He took a breath, almost as if to collect his thoughts.

“He’s the Avatar of Greed and how should I put it..” he paused again, thinking, with an unamused look on his face. “Oh, well you’ll understand soon enough.”

You opened your mouth to say something, a frown yet again covering your face, but you couldn’t get anything out before a phone-like item was thrust into your grasp. You just now realized that you didn’t have your phone on you.

“Take this device, it’s called a DDD. It’s a lot like the cell phones of your world. This will be yours to use as long as you’re here. Now,” he says gently. “Go ahead and try calling Mammon with it.”

You eye him suspiciously before going and tapping on the icon labeled ‘Mammon’.

————

This was written by me in no way trying to romanticize mental illnesses. I try to write what I feel would help me in the moment. I completely understand that mental illnesses don’t just ‘disappear’ when you’ve figured out that someone loves you or someone helps you once- that’s why I don’t write what happens after in most cases. If you are struggling, please reach out to anyone you trust, or call a hotline.

[puddygeeks]

Wᴇ Cᴏᴍᴇ Rᴜɴɴɪɴɢ - Tʜᴇ 100 Bᴇʟʟᴀᴍʏ x OC - Cʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ 23: Uɴᴇxᴘᴇᴄᴛᴇᴅ Mᴏᴠᴇs

Masterlist

Episode: Unity Day

Rating: Mature

Summary: During her time in the Skybox, Indigo formed a precious friendship with fellow outcast Octavia Blake, the girl under the floor. At first they thought their departure from the oppression of the Ark was a blessing, but quickly came to rely on Indigo's keen survival instincts. The 100 struggle to meet the challenges of Earth whilst Bellamy strives to lead the wavering teenagers and his irresponsible attitude fuels constant conflict with Indigo. Their only shared interest is in protecting Octavia and Indigo beings to suspect that there is a deeper cause to Bellamy's seemingly irrational choices. As the consequences of his actions mount up around him, he finally begins to confide in her and she discovers more than she ever bargained for. 

Fandom: CW’s The 100

Pairing: OC x Bellamy Blake

LONG TERM ONGOING PROJECT :)

My writing is entirely fuelled by coffee! If you enjoy my work, feel free to donate toward my caffeine dependency: will work for coffee

Warnings: Mature content. Non-consent, language, sex, self harm, suicide, anxiety, helplessness, torture, captivity/confinement, alcohol/drug use.

Chapter Twenty-Three

I returned to sitting with Monty for a while, who had since been joined by Monroe and a few other girls that seemed to be thrilled by his company. We chatted idly to fill the time but I was distracted as I waited, hoping that Bellamy would seriously consider taking some time off. I was truly surprised when I saw him approaching and I couldn’t contain a wide smile at the sight of him. It quickly faded when I clocked his serious expression.

“Hey everyone, can I steal Indigo from you?” He enquired with a smile that I could easily identify was forced. This only worsened the nervous feeling in my stomach that something had happened and I almost didn’t want to ask what it was.

“It’s about time that you did.” Monroe commented and several of the others sniggered in response. I felt myself blush as a subtle smile crept into the corners of Bellamy's mouth and cleared my throat awkwardly. I jumped to my feet and distanced myself from anyone, following him to a quiet spot. 

“What’s wrong?” I asked in immediate concern as I forced the embarrassment from my mind. 

“Finn has set up a meeting with the grounders, he’s taken Clarke with him to represent us. She’s asked me to follow her as backup. I’m gonna need you sharp shooting skills.” He explained and I groaned in disappointment. I had hoped for a straight 24 hours without drama, but I knew that this was too good to be true.

“I thought we’d gone too long without someone doing something stupid.” I sighed as I met his eyes and he scoffed in agreement. “Of course, if you need me, I’ve got your back.” I expressed and he seemed relieved at my words.

“Thank you.” He breathed with an appreciative smile. “Grab your gear and meet me by the woods. I’m gonna grab Jasper too.” He relayed as he moved to step away and I grabbed his arm to stop him.

“Jasper has been drinking all day, are you sure that’s a good idea?” I queried with an immediate feeling of guilt.

“Pretty much everyone in camp has.” He sighed as he studied the camp irritably. “I trust Jasper.” He added in a steady voice and I nodded in acceptance.

I rushed back to my tent to collect some supplies and picked up the gun he’d given me a few days ago. I felt strange carrying it around camp still, so I’d hidden it in here. I stashed it in my belt and checked that my dagger was still in its usual spot on the other side.  I was concerned that Octavia was still not back in the tent, but tried not to think too much about what she was doing right now. I wrote her a quick note to say that I'd gone out with Bellamy and assured her that I was okay. I placed it somewhere she’d easily see it and rushed back to meet him.

When I reached the meeting spot, I was caught off guard to find he was waiting with both Jasper and Raven, before I assessed  that if Finn was involved it only made sense for her to be here. We walked together through the trees and I kept close to Bellamy whilst Jasper and Raven remained just behind us. Bellamy crouched to investigate a small cluster of the nuts that had caused him to have hallucinations on the ground. 

“At least they’re good for something.” He commented in a bitter tone and I couldn’t blame him for his dislike of them. I struggled to ignore the two behind as Jasper rambled awkwardly and found myself doubting the decision to bring him with us. 

“Can you track her?”  I asked nervously and he nodded in response. We stood back up and Bellamy turned to look over his shoulder at the distracting pair who quabled behind us.

“Both of you, shut up. Keep your eyes open.” He hissed before he rolled his eyes at me with frustration and we led the group forward. We walked in silent anticipation throughout the night and by the time we reached the meeting spot it was daylight. We approached a bridge that was above us and I spotted Clarke and Finn at the end of it. I shushed the group and drew us in closer, moving slightly lower into the valley that the bridge crossed. We bunched together to hide in some trees and Clarke glanced down at us. 

“Well, she knows backup is here now.” I whispered to the group as we waited in tense anticipation. 

“What’s Octavia doing here?” Jasper asked and I startled at his words. My view roamed to further along the bridge where I saw the grounder Lincoln jogging over to meet Octavia and he lifted her into a tight hug. I could hardly believe what I was seeing and felt a stab of betrayal in my chest. “Oh.” Jasper breathed in an awkward realisation. 

“I guess we know how he got away.” Raven commented in an entertained manner and I wished she would keep her commentary to herself. I felt my heart skip a beat as Bellamy turned to regard me with accusing eyes. 

“Did you know?” He hissed in an aggressive question and I gulped nervously as I tried to decide how to explain without giving the impression that I was taking sides.

“I’m not getting between you. I told her to speak to you about it. I can’t be responsible for both of your secrets.” I defended, feeling as if there were no easy way out of this situation now. I hated that things had reached this point and I was significantly disappointed with Octavia for not speaking to him as I’d requested.

“You didn’t think to tell me that she was involved with a grounder?” He spat, staring at me in disbelief and I felt my stomach flip at his assumption.

“I didn’t know!” I hissed back, growing annoyed with his accusations. “I knew that she helped him escape but it wasn’t for me to tell you. I had no idea that this was going on.” I swore as I indicated to the two of them who were still gripping each other on the bridge and he sighed bitterly. I turned my attention back to see them finally break apart and Bellamy aimed his gun at Lincoln, considering a drastic action through the sight. “Bellamy, don’t.” I warned with a sense of panic. 

“Wait, look.” Raven whispered firmly as she drew our attention to the far side of the bridge, where several grounders approached on horseback. We waited in heavy apprehension as Clarke strode nervously to the centre of the bridge to meet a female grounder who seemed to be important. They paused in a tense standoff and I wished that I could hear the conversation. Although I was incredibly stressed by the risk of the situation, I also struggled to stand so close to Bellamy whilst he radiated anger in my direction. I could hardly keep the frantic thoughts from my mind as I realised that we would need to discuss this properly later and felt my frustration with Octavia growing. Raven raised her gun to look at them through her scope. “Grounder princess looks pissed.” She commented.

“Our princess has that effect.” Bellamy replied with a slight smirk and I found myself smiling in response. I was glad for his humour breaking some of the tension that continued to grow between us. 

“Oh no, this is bad.” Jasper breathed as he stared up into the trees through his scope. I gazed at him in confusion, unable to see anything that he could be referring to. I felt a sense of dread in my stomach as I scanned the area and waited for some threat to reveal itself.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Bellamy hissed, surveying Jasper’s nervous form in annoyance. Jasper flitted his view to various points in the canopy on the other side of the bridge as if he were counting enemies and I felt my heartbeat quicken at his action.

“There’s grounders in the trees.” He growled through panicked pants and I took a sharp breath.

“What?” I gasped as I pulled the pistol from my belt and bought my focus nervously into the thick canopy. I became acutely aware of the fact that Octavia was on the bridge and incredibly vulnerable to attack in such an open area.

“Where?” Bellamy asked as him and Raven scanned the trees through their scopes. I prepared myself to shoot, feeling disadvantaged by my lack of vision. For the first time, I found myself wishing that I’d attended the shooting classes so that I could have graduated to a gun with a scope and greater range. “I don’t see anything.” He added with a doubtful tone.

“They’re gonna shoot!” Jasper gasped before running out from the cover of the trees and frantically screaming up at the bridge. “Clarke, run! Run!” He fired aimlessly at the trees and the large automatic rifle fired off a rapid succession of bullets in the relative direction of the canopy. Bellamy stepped out to follow him first, successfully shooting down a scout and Raven and I followed. I turned my attention immediately to the bridge, watching Octavia with every bit of attention that I could muster. I couldn’t get a proper view of her and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to hit anyone from here with just a pistol.

Without thinking, I ran back into the trees and sprinted my way in the direction of the bridge. I trusted Bellamy and the others to keep control of the situation enough to provide covering fire, but I was driven by the need to get Octavia out of danger as soon as possible. The entrance to the bridge quickly came into view and I saw Finn supporting Clarke as they ran towards me. I pushed myself harder as I witnessed Lincoln jump to take an arrow for Octavia. I had to admit that the choice earned my respect. I was almost within reach of them when he snapped the arrow from the front of his chest as if it were nothing and Octavia clung desperately to him. He turned them to face me as I collided into her and latched onto her tightly. 

“Okay, run! Don’t stop til you’re behind your walls!” He ordered as he thrusted her towards me. “Go! Take her!” He emphasised and I yanked her arm to encourage her to move. Clarke grabbed her other arm and assisted me to pull her into a jog as she screamed back to Lincoln. We ran from the bridge into the cover of the trees as I noticed the telltale red of Raven’s jacket emerging from my right. I pushed Octavia ahead with Clarke, releasing my grip on her arm so that I could slow myself down to check that the backup group had all safely joined us. Jasper appeared next, falling into step right behind Octavia and Clarke. Finally Bellamy ran out from my side and he paused for a second in worry before his eyes met mine. He snatched my arm to pull me toward him and we ran together the rest of the way to camp.

When we neared the gates, everyone slowed to catch their breath. It was dark now and it had been a difficult journey for us all. I put my hands on my knees as I panted for air, before Bellamy’s voice jolted me to standing again. 

“You got something to say?” He spat and I could easily recognise the confrontation in his voice.

“Yeah, I told you no guns!” Fin yelled in exasperation and I rolled my eyes at the ridiculousness of this suggestion. I could hardly believe that he was able to suggest this after the way things had just happened.

“I told you we couldn’t trust the grounders!” Clarke answered defensively and I was pleased to see her standing up to his self-righteous attitude. “I was right.” She voiced with the silent support of several of the group around her.

“And why didn’t you tell me what you were up to?!” Raven cried, grabbing his arm in rage and I felt awkward as I finally considered the implications of him telling Clarke but not including Raven.

“I tried, but you were too busy making bullets for your gun!” Finn attacked, placing indignant emphasis on the last word and indicating to the weapon in her hands. I felt it was both unfair and cruel to blame her for defending herself and could feel myself losing respect for him with every word he said.

“You’re lucky she bought that!” Bellamy yelled as he rounded on Finn and I shuffled in preparation to pull them apart if needed. “They came there to kill you Finn.” He stated firmly I found myself agreeing with him. I hadn’t expected to find myself losing the faith in Finn that I’d first had but this situation was the catalyst for that change.

“You don’t know that!” Finn remained indignant and condescending as he scanned us all. I took a deep breath to try to calm myself down but I could hold my temper no longer.

“For Christ’s sake Finn, don't be so naive!” I blurted as my feelings forced their way out of my mouth. “You can’t make peace with everyone! Whatever you were offering to them, they weren’t impressed.” I exclaimed and he squinted at me in disappointment.

“Jasper fired the first shot!” He declared in defence and I threw my hands up in exasperation. As I moved, I noticed Jasper shuffling awkwardly and I could tell that Finn’s accusations had got to him. I found myself descending further into anger as I assessed the impact on Jasper and I started to pant again. 

“Because they were about to kill you!” I cried in a determined voice as I scrutinised him. I was furious that he was blaming Jasper for his own misjudgement and wouldn’t allow him to crush him under guilt for protecting us.

“You ruined everything.” Octavia accused with tearful eyes, staring directly at Jasper. I felt the disappointment in her from earlier on bubbling up from my stomach and I quickly lost control.

“Grow the fuck up Octavia! You shouldn’t even have been out there! Not everything revolves around who you’re currently interested in fucking!” I screamed as my temper poured out like uncontrollable venom. She stared back at me with wide eyes and a heartbroken expression, before turning on her heel and running back to camp.

“I saved you!” Jasper yelled after her and I was surprised that he seemed not to have even noticed my vicious attack. He scoffed in annoyance when she didn’t turn back to discuss the topic with him, completely missing the fact that she was storming away from me. “You’re welcome.” He spat under his breath before following her with a clear hurt in his voice

“Well if we weren’t at war already, we sure as hell are now.” Finn spat in a petty attack at Clarke and she sighed back at him in a manner that showed she’d had enough. 

“Shut the fuck up Finn, this was your ridiculous idea anyway.” I growled as I grew sick of his preaching attitude. He surveyed me with annoyance but chose to ignore my insults, instead continuing to speak at Clarke. 

“You didn’t have to trust the grounders, you just had to trust me.” He added in a way that added a thick layer of guilt and I could see in her broken expression that it was working. I paused for a moment as I barely held my temper at bay. When it was clear that Clarke had no intention of defending herself and Raven watched them in jealous torment, I took one last swipe at him. 

“Right, cause you’re just the most trustworthy person in camp with your trail of broken hearts.” I remarked as I crossed my arms at him. I was no longer shouting, but my tone was scornful enough to gain a disbelieving look from Finn before he turned to storm into camp, closely followed by Raven. I glanced back at Clarke and Bellamy, who faced me with shocked expressions and decided to return to camp before I could attack anyone else.

Within moments of entering the camp, the distant sound of an explosion caught my attention and I looked up to see what appeared to be a ship shooting across the sky. I rolled my eyes at the sight, feeling a multitude of emotions other than relief that the Ark reinforcements were here early. I started to walk to the tent, before the realisation struck me that it was exactly where Octavia would be. I paused on the spot, unsure of where to take myself now. I turned towards the dropship instead, but Bellamy cut me off as he placed himself directly in my path.

“Where are you going?” He queried with a puzzled expression and I shrugged awkwardly.

“I don’t know, I can’t exactly go back to my tent after that little showdown. I could go to Jasper and Monty’s but I don’t really want Jasper grilling me on his chances with Tavi now.” I rambled as I voiced my thoughts and tried to avoid his prying eyes. “I’ll probably just sleep in the dropship.” I conceded as I ran out of ideas.

“Did you not hear that?” He asked, indicating to the sky in a dramatic fashion.

“Yeah, the assholes are coming.” I sighed in a disaster response and he assessed me in confusion.

“You missed the part where it crashed, no one’s coming.” He explained and my mouth dropped open as I absorbed his words. “We can’t go out at the moment anyway, so we’ll be checking it out first thing in the morning.” He clarified and I nodded in response. I moved to walk away and he grabbed my arm to halt me on the spot. “You look like you could use someone to talk to.”He acknowledged and I glanced up at him in exhaustion. 

“Bellamy, I know we need to talk but-” I started with a desperate desire to escape this conversation, at least for the night. He didn’t allow me to explain any further, instead just pulling me toward his tent. As soon as we entered the space he released me and turned his gaze on me with an unexpected sympathy. 

“I think I was unnecessarily hard on you earlier.” He said, clearing his throat and I widened my eyes. “It’s not fair for me to keep putting you between me and my sister. And from the way you just laid into her, I can tell that you didn’t know about her and the grounder. You and I are good.” He spoke gently and his expression was one of understanding. I could hardly believe what I was hearing from him. I put my hands to my head and settled into a seat. 

“I really wanted Octavia to talk to you about this but I can’t lie to you, not when you’re trying so hard to be fair to me.” I sighed and hid my face in my hands. When I looked out again, he had settled himself into a seat opposite me and was waiting with interest. “I knew that she was going to help the grounder escape and I helped to keep people distracted for her.” I confessed, feeling as if I couldn’t breathe. I met his eyes and although he was far calmer than I expected, he still wore an expression of anger.

“Why would you do that? You had no idea what he would do.” He spoke evenly, despite the clear annoyance in his eyes and I was glad that he didn’t raise his voice. I felt vulnerable already and wasn’t sure that I could manage a conflict with him too.

“She didn’t give me much of a choice.” I sighed as I reflected on the conversation. “The camp was in complete chaos and there were only the two of us, and Raven and Finn who were lucid. And I was worried for you and Clarke too. Everything was happening at once and I couldn’t talk her out of it. She made me feel like there was no other option, so I chose to concentrate on getting the camp under control before anyone hurt themselves.” I explained, staring at my hands in an effort to avoid meeting his eyes. “I swear to you, I had no idea she was still seeing him. I would have dealt with that. She’s taking an enormous risk.” I growled in disapproval. When I did look up, I was surprised to see that he no longer seemed to be angry and was instead watching me with understanding.

“I know how insistent she can be.” He sighed regretfully and I could only imagine how many times he’d been hammered with her determination. “I’m sorry that she put you in that position. I’m not surprised that you lost it with her.” He responded and I was stunned that he wasn’t furious with me for attacking his sister. I knew for a fact that he wouldn’t allow anyone else to speak to her that way and I felt for the first time that he truly respected the friendship we had.

“No, that was wrong.” I stated firmly as I remembered my hurtful words. “I shouldn’t have let my temper get the better of me.” I spoke regretfully and Bellamy chuckled under his breath. 

“We all lose our shit sometimes Indigo, you have to expect it to happen eventually. You’ve seen me do it plenty of times.” He mentioned and I couldn’t deny that I’d seen him do more impulsive things than I could easily count. I met his eyes with a remorseful expression and now that my temper had finally calmed, I felt a wave of guilt wash over me. 

“I’ve never even raised my voice at her before, I shouldn’t have been so harsh.” I spoke in a small voice and my chest ached with the strain of my emotions.

“Ah, your first fight.” He commented and I peeked at him only to find that he was smiling tenderly. “She’ll get over it, just give it some time.” He reassured and I took a deep breath as I tried to convince myself to believe in his statement

“I hope you’re right.” I smiled back at him, before returning my attention to my hands in a gesture of stress. I couldn’t imagine how I would even start to patch things up for Octavia and I found myself falling into an obsessive worry about it.

“In the meantime, you’re welcome to stay here.” I snapped my eyes back up to him in surprise and he measured my reaction with an intense interest. I cleared my throat and got to my feet awkwardly. 

“Umm, thanks. That’s really considerate, but I’ll be fine in the dropship.” I answered as I moved toward the door.

He stood to approach me slowly and I couldn’t move at all. He stepped into my space and stared me up and down, biting his lip slightly. I didn’t know how to react as he stared into my eyes with an intensity that was practically hypnotising. His hand settled gently on my waist as he moved closer than I allowed anyone to get and my heart seemed to stop for a moment, before kicking into overdrive. I could tell that he was considering me carefully with every movement, examining me for any signs of discomfort. He brought his other hand to my face, brushing my hair behind my ear in a smooth manoeuvre before settling on my cheek, his thumb stroking along my jaw. My breath hitched at his touch and I couldn’t stop myself from leaning into it with a hunger I didn’t even know that I possessed. 

“You don’t have to go…” He trailed off, speaking in a deep, husky voice. The hand that was on my waist slowly roamed down to slip under my shirt, as his fingers brushed the length of my hip bone. My eyes fluttered closed for a moment in reaction and I felt him leaning his face into mine. The moment felt like it was happening in slow motion and every part of my body thrummed in anticipation. He got close enough for his nose to brush my cheek and I could feel the heat of his lips barely a hair's width from mine when I startled back out of his grip. I fell backwards and stared at him with wide eyes. 

“I’m sorry, I-I can’t.” I stuttered before bolting from the tent. It was impossible to shake the vision of Bellamy’s stunned face as I rushed to the dropship. I found a corner to settle in and took some time to steady my breathing. I was in shock, unable to believe what had just happened. Somehow I couldn’t process the way Bellamy had just touched me, or the look that was in his eyes as he explored me. Most of all, I was shocked by the way my body responded to him. I had never so much as found someone attractive in my entire life and the only times I had experienced someone touching me in such a way had been moments of pure horror; this was mind bendingly different. When Bellamy touched me, my body responded as if he were the air I needed to breathe and my fear may have destroyed any chances of that ever happening again. At that moment, the one person I needed to talk to more than anything was also the person whose friendship I had just shattered into a million pieces.

[riverboundao3ff]

Riverbound Chapter 7

You are THE GUARDIAN, which is kind of unfortunate because you’re currently face down and up to your chest in a medicalizer, which has clamped down on your torso so hard you think you’re going to throw up. It’s not like you’re not grateful for the opportunity to heal your broken ribs, but feeling the machine forcefully fuse the bone and muscle back together is not a pleasant experience. Even advanced technology has its setbacks, you suppose.

“If it hurts too much, we can take a break.”

You look up to Mallek, who is sitting beside you like a very anxious guard dog. Somebody put a big plastic bowl underneath you in case you puke, but you guess he wants to be ready to either hold your hair up like a drunk sorority girl at a party or pull you out of the medicalizer.

You manage a wheezy laugh. “Nah, I don’t feel pain. I’m a robot, remember?”

An unhappy whine rises up from the back of Mallek’s throat, kind of like a stressed cat. “These things can suck even for highbloods. Are you sure?”

“Yeah, dude. I just--” Something clicks back into place in your side, and your vision goes fuzzy for a couple seconds. “Augh. Just need to be uncomfortable for a little while longer. I’m not running around Thrashthrust with broken ribs any longer than, than I have to, oh shit.”

Your stomach rolls like a fighter jet and you let loose into the strategically placed bowl beneath you. Hey look, there’s the grubflakes you ate for breakfast.

Mallek grimaces, and you feel a cool hand rubbing circles into your upper back. You turn your attention towards breathing in and out, in and out, just focusing on the physical contact. It’s only a little after midnight but you’re already exhausted. The painkillers Lynera gave you early in the evening have long since worn off.

“What happened to you?” you hear him whisper.

You force your eyes back open. “Daraya already told you? I got thrown into a tree by a goddamn cholerbear. Nasty sonuva bitch.”

“No, I know that! Why did you disappear for like, half a sweep?” he demanded.

His voice cracks about halfway through, and guilt hits you like a sucker punch. You just want to see him smile again. Granted, you’re looking down at the bowl-o’-puke instead of your friend, but you don’t really have the strength to do anything else.

“Long story short, I got kidnapped. Made some new friends to cope. Escaped, made sure my new friends were okay, and then I came back here. I’ll tell you the full version when I’m not on the verge of passing out,” you explain.

“Kidnapped?” Mallek explodes. “The hell you mean, kidnapped?!”

You wince at the noise and reach out to pat his knee. “Sshhhhhhhh. Shhhh. Calm down. It’s fine now. Be calm.”

His face lights up blue. It’s only then you remember telling that shushing a troll is considered lowkey sexy or something. Whoops.

“I would never leave you on purpose, Mallek,” you say, quickly pulling away before it can get weird. “Or… or anybody. Okay?”

“... Okay,” he mumbles.

You smile encouragingly at him. He grabs your hand and squeezes it. It would have been a really sweet moment, except you’re sweaty and shaky and everything stinks like vomit. You can’t imagine how much it must reek to Mallek and his better sense of smell.

The both of you stay like that for a few more minutes, and then the medicalizer goes off with a sharp buzz and releases your torso from its clamps. You immediately inhale as much as you possibly can, groaning with relief when there was no more stabbing pain. There’s still a bit of soreness; a medicalizer can only do so much for bruising, but by all the horrorterrors have you missed breathing like a regular person.

“How’s it feel?” Mallek asks. You can feel the anxiety coming off him in waves.

“So much better.” You’d fall asleep right there and then if he gave you the chance, but you feel him gently grab your hands and pull you out of the medicalizer. A pair of strong arms lift you up, carry you a short distance away, and then set you back down on a sofa.

You accidentally let out a squeak when you feel a chilly finger poke your stitches.

“Sorry.”

“Nah, you’re good. You’re just cold.”

Mallek huffs and touches the scarred-over gash again. “The medicalizer took care of this big wound right here, but the stitches need to come out. I don’t know how, though.”

The fun never ends. “Lanque did ‘em.”

“I’ll go get him. Be right back,” he promises. You hear him jump to his feet and leave the room, the door creaking slightly on his way out. Downstairs, you can hear your friends discussing something, most likely Tyzias and Daraya cooking up a crazy new plan for the rebellion.

You can’t wait to join them and help save the planet. Vriska’s demand that you return in ten nights is a constant reminder of what you came here to do, but it also makes you nervous about the inevitable teleporting you’ll need to do. What if you messed up and ended up somewhere you shouldn’t? Causing a paradox wouldn’t just screw up your mission, it could ruin the fabric of reality. That fear kept you from so much as doing a measly little jump down the mountainside when you left the caverns.  

Having powers was handy, sure, but sometimes it made everything, like, a thousand times more stressful than it actually had to be.

The thumping of footsteps up the stairs gives you the distraction you need to calm down. You crack open an eye in time to see Mallek and Lanque striding in.

“Hey,” you croak.

“Damn, Adalov, did you have it up in the highest setting?” Lanque mutters, turning from you to Mallek with his arms crossed. He doesn’t look very happy with what he sees.

“Medicalizers are made for trolls, not aliens,” Mallek shoots back. “You know they hurt.”

“That thing was old when you let me use it.”

“I’m sorry, did you know any other highbloods with top-notch medicalizers that could do that surgery you wanted? I don’t think so, fucker.”

“Boys, can we save the pitch stuff for later? I want these stitches out so I don’t have to keep laying around like a dead body,” you growl.  

Mallek and Lanque glance back at you, both looking a little sheepish, before Mallek slinks away to sit down at your feet while muttering something about never being pitch for pretentious assholes who can’t even wear their jackets right. Lanque messes around with a few first aid kits on the shelf beside the medicalizer before finding what he’s looking for-- a small scalpel and a pair of tweezers.

“Alright, you know the drill. Off with the sports bra,” he orders.

You groan but obey, pausing with your hand through one of the straps when you notice another pair of wide eyes on you. “Mallek. Turn around, my guy.”

A very interesting squeaky noise escapes Mallek’s chest before he turns around and all but slithers over the armrest he was leaning on. You hear him hit the floor with a thump. Lanque rolls his eyes.

“You two know each other?” you ask as you flip over to lay on your stomach.

“We’ve met a few times, yes,” Lanque confirms, kneeling down to start picking at the stitches with the scalpel. The way he says it makes you suspect there was a lot more to the story than he was letting on. “Have you already told Mallek everything?”

That was Lanque’s way of saying “Let’s change the subject”, so you let it go. “Not… everything. Are you listening, Mallek?”

“Yeah.”

“Good, because I only want to explain this once. Basically, the multiverse is a whole lot more complicated than anybody knows, and there are a lot of… powerful beings out there that like to meddle. Like, with timelines, and universes, and that kind of stuff. Are you following me?”

“I… okay?”

“So basically, this fucker called Doc Scratch is one of these god things, and he was using me to control his timeline… area… whatever. That’s why I was running around Alternia before I left, because I guess I had to help bring certain people together for the timeline to work? I don’t know. Anyways, he kidnaps me when he’s done making me do his business and makes me read this fucked up comic in his own fucked up dimension, which is also on one of your moons. Long story short, the comic’s about some other friends I made and the shit they get into in another timeline. Eventually I manage to escape from Doc Scratch with only moderate trauma. Yay, me. How are we doing so far?”

You can’t see him, which is probably a good thing. “You… the multiverse and the… okay, sure. Why not.”

“I end up on Alternia again, but in the future, and then Earth, which is my home planet. Well, not that exact version of Earth, but whatever. I end up befriending all these kids and try to help them lead better lives than they would originally in this other timeline where they all play a game that destroys the universe. I should also mention that Doc Scratch somehow wiped my memories before I escaped, so until I meet this cool chick called Aradia I… had completely forgotten about you guys.” You swallow back the lump in your throat and try to focus on Lanque pulling out your stitches. It stings.

“The last kid I made friends with was this boy called Dirk. Good kid. So we’re hanging out, and this other version of Dirk rocks up from another universe, and this bastard is a kind of god called an… Ultimate Self, I think. He tries to stop me from rewriting the timeline and then tries to kill me or whatever. I get away from him and manage to…” Crap, how do you explain this part without telling your friends you created an entire universe? “I get him to go home and leave me and the kids alone. He can’t hurt us if he’s in his own universe. After all of that I wanted to come back to see you guys again. So I did.”

Like before, you don’t mention the Director, or the little showdown between you, her, and Ultimate Dirk in Doc Scratch’s mansion. You definitely don’t tell them you’re here to help them win the rebellion. You remind yourself you’re not lying to them, you’re just… not telling them everything. To protect them.

Yeah.

“What worries me is this Scratch character,” Lanque mutters. “You said that Ultimate Self god went back to his own universe, but if Scratch still has influence over our reality…”

“I… have no idea about Scratch,” you say truthfully.

��What is he, exactly?”

You release a long sigh. “Every planet with intelligent life has a thing called a First Guardian to guide it and its people to their destinies. Timelines can have Guardians too, I think? I know that sometimes entire universes have Guardians. They keep time and space in order, basically.”

“... If this universe has a First Guardian, why can’t it go beat Scratch’s ass?” Mallek jokes.

It’s a good question, and you know he’s just trying to lighten the mood, but it still fills you with misery, anger, and a fear so powerful you almost start shaking. If… when you meet Scratch again, what will you do? Would you be able to fight him? Protect your friends from him?

If your friends knew who you really are, would they still care about you?

“That’s something I would love to see, believe me,” you manage to say.

“I’m so sorry that all of that happened to you. It’s so fucked up,” Mallek says hoarsely. “I was so pissed that you were gone. I just spent six perigees of my life thinking one of the best friends I ever had was dead and I didn’t even stop to consider that they might be having it even worse.”

“It’s not your fault. Grief makes people do and feel weird shit,” you assure him. You’re trying not to cry yourself, because you’re half-naked with a super hot guy pulling out your stitches and another hot guy hiding behind the sofa. Your life is a lot of things but boring is not one of them.

Your pain tolerance must be through the roof by now, because you don’t even feel it when Lanque pulls out the last couple threads. “All done.”

You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. “Thanks, Lanque.”

He pats your back. “Come join us downstairs when you’re ready. Tyzias has something I think you’d be interested in.”

Your tiredness instantly fades away. “Oh?”

“You can’t be serious, Bombyx. They’re still recovering,” Mallek protests.

“Then get off your privileged highblood ass and come with us,” Lanque calls over his shoulder as he saunters out the door.  

Mallek yelps and dives back behind the sofa when you hop up to get dressed. Your shirt was slung over the desk chair, which you gladly yank back on over your bra as you start to shiver. Mallek’s place was always pretty chilly since he ran cold, so you’d always have to bundle up a bit when you came over to hang.

“Alright, I’m decent. My pasty white ass won’t blind you anymore,” you tell him.

“You’re more of a really pale… pinkish tawny?” he notes, tossing you your hoodie.

You decide you’d explain the different ethnic and racial categories humans have to him later. “Yeah, sure. Thanks for letting me use the medicalizer.”

“Duh. I don’t let my friends run around with broken ribs,” Mallek snorts. “Yours sure break a lot, though. Maybe I should just stick you back in there from time to time, just in case.”

You pretend to chuck the puke bowl at him and cackle when he instinctively dodges. Once upon a time, you might have told him that human vomit is acidic. Granted, it definitely is; you can feel your throat and tongue burning like a bitch, but you never specified that it wasn’t deadly or anything.

“Just put it in the load gaper!” he begs, and you laugh as you follow him down to the bathroom. You forgot how much fun it was to fuck around with him. Maybe you’d introduce him to Kuprum and Folykl, you just know that the three of them in one room would be the best thing that ever happened. That, or they’d all kill each other. Those kinds of things could be a little difficult to predict with trolls.

The puke bowl gets cleaned with water, soap, and a lot of vigorous scrubbing. Your hands get the same treatment. Once you gulp down some water and splash your face in the sink, you turn, only to realize Mallek is staring at you again. His eyes are much more blue than when you last saw him. He’s an inch or two taller as well.

“... Yeah?” you ask. Did you have vomit on your face? Fuck.

All at once, Mallek wraps you up in a hug that leaves you breathless. You hug him back instinctively, and then really go all in when you feel him shaking ever so slightly against you. He smells like chips and something vaguely smoky.

Neither of you say anything for a while. There’s something incredibly fragile in the air, and it warms you from the inside out and fills you with worry.

“I missed you,” he mumbles into your hair.

“I missed you too. So much.”

“... You don’t have to join in on whatever crazy shit they’re cooking up down there.” He chuckles nervously. “Really. You can just… I dunno. Stay with me, if you want?”

You bump your head against his chest and gently squeeze his arms. “Mallek. The world is going to change, and I want to be a part of it. Don’t you?”

“I don’t want you to die.”

You reach up to gently cup his cheek. “I’ve died before. It’s not so bad, really.”

Mallek leans into the contact, looking at everything but at you. You let yourself be held by him for a little while longer before pulling away. He doesn’t say anything else, but he does follow you down the stairs to the rest of the group.

You grin at Tyzias when she looks up at you, hopeful. “So whose lives are we gonna ruin tonight?”

[xellshun]

DXM

So here’s a little something I like to talk about from time to time. For starters, I am a sociopath, if you don’t know what that is then look it up if you want because it’s a lot to explain. But let’s just say this means I’m incapable of feeling things like empathy, remorse, guilt, and shame.

So with the fact that I am emotionally and mentally colder than normal people, that doesn’t mean I don’t feel other negative feelings. With that being said I have gone through my fair share of drug and alcohol abuse and over the years there was one drug that just seemed to solve everything that my disorder couldn’t. For some, it’s meth, for others, it’s pain pills, and for some, it’s alcohol. I’ve tried basically everything, I’ve even tried drugs that don’t have names yet. But there was one drug that just stood out from the rest.

The drug has many names and terms associated with it - Tripple C’s, Robo Tripping, The Poor Man’s PCP, and so on... But for me, I stuck with the simple name - DXM.

Before I share my story I do NOT condone the use of this substance and will encourage anyone reading this to steer clear of it. The purpose of this is just to share my story.

I won’t ramble on about when my abuse started or why I began abusing it. This is more focused on the experience itself. SO! DXM stands for dextromethorphan. What is it? Easy, it’s cough medicine. Yeah, childish right? Well for me it didn’t matter and what makes this drug so dangerous is the fact that you can buy it anywhere without a script, it’s extremely cheap, it’s not illegal, and doesn’t show up in drug tests...

I won’t go about giving details about the unique routine I perfected over the years to get high off of this drug because I don’t want anyone reading this to copy it and end up fucking killing themselves or anyone else. Not that I give a shit but I won’t have that coming back on me. I will also not be mentioning dosage amounts, what brands I used, where exactly to get them, or how much this stuff costs. But what I will go into detail about is the high itself, what I felt, and what it was like. And if, for some reason, YOU decide to try this shit. Do it at your own risk. I used my own body as a test rat before I figured out exactly how to achieve my desired high without causing myself or others harm and I’m fucking LUCKY for that...

So let’s begin:

Stage one - The preparation dosage. I would always start out by eating a well balanced meal, making sure I had a means of getting fresh water, accessibility to a bathroom in case I got sick, a way of calling for help if needed, and I always made sure to seclude myself. I would then begin dosing up. Taking so many at a time on a strict schedule over the course of 30 minutes. After that I would wait for the first plateau of the high to take hold. The first stage is pretty mild. The first effects you’ll feel are a mild form of numbness throughout your body, your lips will begin to tingle, your vision will begin to become slightly blurred, and you’ll feel an overall sense of euphoric calmness. Once this stage was finished I would proceed with the next. But This stage was a must. Taking more than what my routine called for too quickly would cause me to get sick which would ruin the high. The goal of this stage was to push my body far enough under the influence that my stomach would then be unable to feel the fact that I was overdosing on a substance it would recognize as poison.

Stage two - The waves of calmness. Over the next hour or so I would slowly begin taking waves of this medicine in quantities that amount to half, equal to, or times 1 and 1/2 as much as the first dosage. How I felt as each wave kicked in would determine how much I would take on the next. This would be enough to take me to a level of intoxication between the second and third plateau of the high in a couple hours with the climax of the high hitting around hour 3. At this level I would feel a physical numbness in my skin equal to what you would feel on a high dose of pain pills. At this stage I would also experience my favorite part, the emotional and mental numbness. It wouldn’t matter how I was feeling before I would get high, it would feel as if every negative feeling inside my heart and mind would just slowly fade. Just imagine in. Imagine that no matter what discomfort you are feeling. This high will make it all go away, leaving you in a state of harmony... Along with that, this is the point where visual and auditory hallucinations begin to kick in. They were never anything scarry, nightmarish, or anything that would cause me to go out and randomly attack someone because I though they were lizard people. No, hallucinations are actually very timid and for me, amusing. I remember a time I was outside at 2am having a smoke, I looked off into the distant fields near the park and track just beyond my yard. And I remember seeing fireworks flying into the air just passed the tree line about 200 yards away. They didn’t look like normal fireworks and there was no sound. If you’ve ever watched the first Lord of The Rings movie where Gandalf is shooting off fireworks in the shire, it was similar to that, they looked like they were alive. A lot of my hallucinations were filled with lights that appeared without a source, they would dance and zip around the room like bugs and would even form the shapes of tiny people who would wave at me. Another common hallucination is what I like to call “sand people.” It’s where I would stare into space and right before my eyes, particles and clumps of colored sand would appear in front of me. They would move around slowly forming all kinds of shapes. If I wanted them to vanish I would just shake my head and let them reappear. So at this point, the high was overall very calming, there was no pain, no fear, no stress, no anxiety, no depression, no sadness... It was just pure... Peace... For each person I imagine the things you see and hear will be different, but these are just examples of the “pros” of the high for me.

Stage three - Beyond the safe zone. As you can probably guess, there is a fourth plateau. This level of the high is where it can become frightening and possibly even life threatening. BUT I’ve gone to and far beyond this level. There were only a handful of times where I considered calling an ambulence but never did. Not because I wanted to die, but because I was in such a messed up state of mind I just said “fuck it.” Anyways, so during these days where I decided to send my soul to a parallel universe I was, thankfully, alone because at this point the side effects become so intense that it’s impossible to hide the fact that you are CLEARLY fucked up on something. During the second and third plateau you’ll start to experience dificulties walking and talking, much like you would with alcohol but it is slightly different. Anyways, at and beyond the fourth plateau these side effects become very strong. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to slowly crawl to the bathroom because I couldn’t walk. Not only do you become very physically impaired but at this point you will begin to loose your grip on reality. The hallucinations will become so powerful that you will experience temporary fits of delirium and psychosis. Yes, I’m serious.. For me it was like having a messed up dream that made no sense but I was wide awake and watching it play before my eyes but I was also inside the dream outside my own body... This made everything very confusing and often times I would also go through moments where my brain would race so fast that I couldn’t focus on anything... Literally. I called this side effect “The Haze.” Things would only get worse too. Slowly I would start to feel my bodily functions just... Turn off... Like I was breathing and alive but only with the most basic functions. I called this stage “Zombie Mode” because it was pretty much a mode where the lights are on upstairs but no ones home. Ready for the frightening side effects? Yeah, haven’t got there yet... Imagine you get your body and mind so far under the influence of this drug that one of your eyes LITERALLY AND ACTUALLY shuts off temporarily. Yes, this is a very real side effect that I have witnessed, temporary fucking blindness... Oh, how about uncontrollable muscle spasms that are so random and strong that it literally feels like invisible people are grabbing you and shaking your limbs? Or how about if every time you try to move, your muscles are so disfunctional that it actually feels like you have dead meat inside of you, just sitting there, weighing you down. Not only this but the hallucinations can, at this point, become nightmarish. For me, I was so used to it that I always just closed my eyes, covered my ears and would tell myself “It’s just the drugs, it’s just the drugs, it’s not real, don’t freak out, just let it wear off!” And I can’t even begin to tell you how confused and delusional you become at this point. At this stage it becomes a battle of mind over matter. So unless your pretty fearless like me, this stage might cause real harm... So yeah, it kind of feels like your body is slowly shutting down and dieing underneath you without the pain or suffering. It’s a side effect called “Ego Death.” The only GOOD part about this stage is that the physical, emotional, and mental numbess are still present and very strong. So a lot of times I was still very unmoved by what was happening to my body. This is a level I do not like to go to because of the negative side effects. The small amount of times that I did reach this point was for one simple reason, I was just too high to know any better before hand and took too much too fast. Oh and guess what else? You can’t have sex on this drug. Men can’t achieve erections, women can’t get wet, and neither can reach orgasm. At least not without the help of other drugs. So don’t plan on fuckin’ while you trip out on this shit... And let’s not forget the come down!... It’s not that bad, haha. There’s no hangover waiting for you after the come down too. The come down is just very slow, you’ll feel your bodily functions start to turn back on, things will become more clear, the feeling in your skin will come back in the form of a tingling feeling, your inner organs will start to become warm (yes you can feel it). You’ll have waves of what feels like...(How do I describe this)... Ever seen the Poltergiest movies? I think it’s one of those... A scene where someone is pulled from the fucking ghost dimension from a portal covered in fucking slime? Yeah, kind of feels like that. I call it the “Rebirth” stage. And yes, you will sweat out layers of the drug. It will be a cold and abnormally thick sweat though... Hence the slime reference. BUT at the end of the road, no hang over, no headaches, no upset stomach, you just... Go back to normal. Often times I go into a deep sleep for 12 hours and wake up feeling at 120%. So I guess you could say the come down could be both negative and positive? Depending on your opinion? For me the come down was very soothing so I never hated it..

So that’s just a glimpse into what I was going through for what was about 4 years. Those four years happening during the development of my disorder, ASPD, as well.

So why did I do it? Besides the fact that it was readily available, cheap, legal, and untraceable.... It was the mental and emotional numbness that I fell in love with... It’s not that the drug was bringing me any one type of feeling... It was the drug taking all my feelings away and allowing an overwhelming sense of peace and calmness over take me. It was my escape from reality. My way out. It was like mentally getting into a rocket ship and just blasting off into space on an adventure in my head. In fact, often times I would simply follow my own rules, get high, sit myself down in front of my TV and play video games. I would get immersed in the games and forget about the struggles of real life...

Oh and just another fair warning for you all. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT EVER mix this shit with ANY other substance, especially alcohol!! I promise you it will end badly, trust me, I would know...

So what the fuck does this have to do with my disorder and the fact that I’m a sociopath? It was just another way of completing myself. I already have a lack of many emotions due to my disorder, so for me, it was finishing myself off. Making myself completely void of any and all emotion.

Do I think this drug had any kind of effect on making my disorder worse?.. It’s possible. But their were many factors that caused my disorder to get worse over the course of the last 7 years since it started to develope. So it’s hard to tell.

Do I think this drug has caused any permanent damage to me in any way? That I’m not so sure about either. I’ve done my own research on this drug and there just isn’t alot of solid information on it because this isn’t a drug that is commonly brought up when you think of individuals suffering from substance abuse. It’s just not up there on the high ranks along side substances like opiates, stimulants, and alcohol.

So what kind of drug is DXM anyways? It’s what’s known as a dissociative anesthetic hallucinogen and is commonly compared to hard drugs such as PCP and Acid. Does this mean when you take cold medicine you could get high on accident? No. At proper dosages cold medicine acts as a cough supressent. You have to overdose greatly in order for it to act as a hallucinogen.

Am I still currently using this drug? Yes, but very rarely. I only use it when I know 100% I can do it safely, without being noticed, without hurting myself or anyone else. And since I am currently on probation with just one month left and also attending counseling... Well let’s just say I keep this shit strictly to myself and do it very secretly. The last thing I want is to end up back in jail. So don’t be concerned, you don’t have to worry about the possibility of a sociopathic guy running around town high off his ass in the middle of the night... Do I want to stop? Yeah of course. Relying on a fucking drug to feel “okay” kind of fucking sucks. Will I stop? I don’t know... Only time will tell...

So.. Is it addictive? Yes and no. Not in the same way that heroin and meth are. You won’t get withdrawal symptoms after coming off of it...

It’s more of an addiction to the “lack there of” when it comes to your emotions and mentality...

It doesn’t give you what you want, it takes away what you don’t want...

And for me, during my darkest hours of life, that is exactly what I crave...

[goodnessmarygrace]

Hi, my name is Mary Grace and I’m new to Tumblr. I made this blog because nobody I know has Tumblr, so it feels like I can be more open about my struggles without drawing attention to myself. Anyways, here goes nothing. This is my story thus far. It’s a long one, so buckle up!

I was diagnosed with POTS last month after two increasingly difficult and perplexing years. You could think of me as being sorta athletic and very ambitious normally if you like. I’m a perfectionist and I have anxiety. I began really feeling and noticing the POTS symptoms about two years ago. For a year, I just always assumed I was out of shape or everybody felt the same way and I was just being a wimp. I was super tired all the time and would get very dizzy with standing up and running. I would get spotty vision and feel the familiar “hot ice” feeling you get when you might faint. These symptoms were not incredibly severe or anything, so I just always hid them so that people wouldn’t label me as “dramatic” or “lazy.” I played basketball, softball, ran track, did marching band, football cheer-leading, scholar bowl, FCA, and FCCLA at the time of the onset of symptoms. I always assumed that I was just stressed out or had a really bad cold and it was nothing to give a second thought about. If anything, hiding my symptoms made me feel like I was in control or tough.

Another thing you must know about me to understand my story is I am a Christian and Jesus plays a big part in my life each and every day. Come summer 2019, I was a helper/counselor at the 5th and 6th grade week at the local Church Camp. That’s when some things really clicked for me spiritually. I realized that my life had been fairly easy. I have a loving family, live in an awesome community, have been blessed with friends and talents all my life, and for the most part, I’d been healthy and hadn’t had to deal with many terrible things. Most of all, I’m free to live for and worship my LORD and Savior.

It’s a life that many crave and would give anything to have. But that week at Church Camp initiated a thought process in me. I realized I had never really depended on GOD because everything in my life had seemed so... easy I guess. I was incredibly thankful for my life, but there came a time when I realized that I didn’t really live by faith or trust or hope. I didn’t completely even understand what they mean! How can you live for GOD without knowing what it is like to completely trust Him with every aspect of your life? My life story was (yes, comfortable and safe) but also a bit empty. It was shallow where it could be deep. And after lots of prayer and some soul searching, I realized my story was shallow because I had hardly ever struggled. So then I began praying dangerously. I asked (or begged) GOD to break me if He had to.

And oh my, He sure answered that one. The symptoms got worse, but I didn’t think much of them considering I had quit (or retired (; ) from softball. (There’s a whole separate story to why I quit softball that I just can’t possibly fit in this post. It was a big developmental step in my life and something that I still am learning from.) I assumed I was just getting out of shape and I should exercise and live healthier. More water, more sleep, better food, etc. Running was getting harder and harder. I was always exhausted, which I blamed on stress and lack of good sleep. Basketball season is what really did it in for me. The first real “attack” or “episode” happened during conditioning week. I almost fainted. I got a migraine and was so dizzy that I couldn’t walk straight. My vision was seriously messed up and that “hot ice” feeling you get before passing out kept washing over me. (I had passed out/ almost passed out before this but always blamed it on being squeamish or something else unconcerning.)  I eventually sucked up my pride and told my coach, “I gotta lie down!” It was humiliating. I used to be able to run like nobody’s business. I mean, some people were jealous of my exercising capabilities. It seemed like my fault since I had quit softball and seemingly was so out of shape that I almost passed out. I felt like a quitter. There was so much shame and guilt. I must have forgotten it was actually an answer to my prayers.

The season progressed and I repeatedly had to lie down when it came to conditioning and running. It didn’t help that I got mono for the second time in my life that winter (no, not from kissing) and was so stubborn that I refused to stay home or go to the doctor. I had mono, pharyngitis, and a double ear infection for months, but I didn’t want to rest because I thought people would think I was lazy. We began trying to figure out why I would get the POTS symptoms as well, because my mom started to think that something really was going on. In the end, we decided to blame it on blood sugar. I told people I was hypoglycemia. I brought juice to basketball practice, and when I would drink it, I would trick myself into thinking that I felt better because I was sick of having no idea what was going on.

Finally, when basketball season was wrapping up and track season was beginning, I began believing that maybe I wasn’t “just out of shape.” I had been running and exercising for months, but I still had my POTS symptoms. I was praying and trying really really hard to get past the shame and be grateful for my struggles. The thing is, I LOVE track (and was pretty good at it too.) Running and racing has always been, dare I say, fun for me. I was really looking forward to the first practice of the season. My dreams were crushed to say the least. After running the first 400 meters of a mile, I nearly fainted again. I finished the mile, but was not doing so hot. I remember all my teammates and coaches staring at me with worry and surprise. I was so embarrassed. The headache from it didn’t go away until I went to bed that night. What made things worse, was I still didn’t know what was wrong with me. Doctors said “blood sugar?”, “asthma?”, “hormones?”, “anxiety?”, “arrhythmia?”, “stress?”. When people asked, I didn’t have a definite answer, so just I listed all of my symptoms and the possible diagnoses. I got tired of that real quick.

Now that my track season was in jeopardy, I decided that we really needed to figure out what was happening to me. My mom said to take it easy at practice, but I didn’t want to look “lazy.” (You can tell that my mind runs in a useless circle around the concepts of weak and lazy.) I told my coaches that I needed to take it easy, but then just continued to go hard as I could. I mentally could not get past the mindset I had adopted. I didn’t want anyone to think I wasn’t trying and I was making things up, so without really noticing it, I told myself that it was in fact all in my head and I was weak. Then came the pandemic. 

This is becoming way too long, so I’m going to continue it in a part 2. It sounds crazy, but I’m actually pretty thankful for the mess I’ve been through. More explanation later, but I know there is some growth happening in me that never would have begun if I hadn’t gotten these struggles. GOD has shown me so much through these experiences and He’s made room in my busy schedule for the things that actually matter in life. I don’t chase people’s opinions or expectations so much anymore and have learned to be kinder to myself. Again, this blog is kind of going to be like a way to figure some things out and hopefully become part of the community of people who’ve gone or are going through similar experiences. Maybe then I’ll even be able to help someone else in return.

-Mary Grace

June 4, 2020

[silent-writer83]

Speed Of Light

Request: Barry Allen x reader where they're childhood friends (like longer than him and Iris) and having powers to take and give physical and emotional pain from people by physical contact. (So she can touch someone and take away their pain or give some of her to them) and every once in a while she'll take away pain either emotional or physical from the team, without them knowing. Even though it cause her physical pain when she takes it away. Barry confronting her about it?

A/N: Guess whose back! Yeah sorry it took so long to get this out. I took a break from fanfiction for a while but now I’m back and ready to write. If you’re still following me, thank you so much for sticking it out and if you get to read this I hope you enjoy it <3

With Iris’s death looming over everyone’s head, stress couldn’t even begin to encompass what the group was feeling. It was overwhelming, suffocating, and you couldn’t take it anymore. You couldn’t function like this...and neither could they. At first it wasn’t so bad, a touch here, a gentle brush there, to siphon off a bit of their pain and anxiety. It was well worth the smiles coming back to their faces, the lightness in the air. You didn’t think of the long-term, of the toll it would take on you and your body. After all, their pain and suffering had to go somewhere didn’t it?

It was a slow change, barely noticeable at first. You drew inward, closing off to keep the despair inside. Your usual bubbly self was quieter, your giggles began to fade and the confident grins in the face of adversity were now meek ghosts of what they should of been -- more of a wince than anything. Next came the sleepless nice, the constant worry stolen from you dearest friends keeping your mind running. Their pain sent endless aches through your body, bringing you near tears most nights.

You couldn’t say a thing though. You never would. This was the one thing that you could do for them, at least one thing of any significance. You had to be careful though. If you weren’t, then all of your hard work would come undone and then what. It would have been all for nothing. 

Thankfully no one really noticed those changes, at least not at first. They were all wrapped up in their own lives, their own struggles and who were you to blame them? The whole point was so that they could live easier lives. When they did start to question you, however, you always had an excuse at the ready. “Oh I was up late researching,” or “Just a bad dream,” or your favorite as of late, “I lost track of time binging Netflix.” Usually they believed you, or at least let you believe that they believed you. Good things only lasted so long though.

Barry was beginning to catch on. It was his latest battle with a metahuman that caught his attention. Now he was just waiting for you to do it again, to be wholly sure and get you red handed. The last time you had hugged up, something about being relieved he was okay. He hadn’t thought about it much at the time. You had been friends for as long as he could remember. Hell, you were friends before he even met Iris, so a hug was a usual thing between the two of you. It was the immediate release of pain that caught his attention minutes later. He was a quick healer of course, but not that fast.

Since then he had kept an eye on you, beginning to note the ways in which you changed. It hurt to know he hadn’t picked up on it sooner. You were his best friend...no. No, you were more than that. There wasn’t a single memory that Barry had that you weren’t a part of. In true Barry fashion, he beat himself up over it, over not noticing the signs sooner, but he was going to get to the bottom of this. He was going to find out what was going on with you.

“Feel better, Barr,” your voice was quiet, a slight rasp of fatigue to it as it pulled the speedster from his thoughts. Eyes met, flicking to the tired smile you gave before shooting back towards your eyes. They were hazy, unfocused, thick brows knitting in worry as he watched you sway where you stood.

Black dots littered your vision, the ache throbbing through your entire being. How much had you taken this time? To be honest you weren’t even sure anymore. With all of the anger, worry, pain and fear you took in daily, it was hard to sift through what was too much, knees buckling before you caught yourself. Maybe....maybe you should ease up a little....

“You okay?” a worried hand found the small of your back to steady you, bleary vision finding the pinched brow of Cisco at your side. It took all of your energy to force a smile, barely able to balance on your wobbly legs. It was out of sheer determination that you could even function at all.

“M’fine,” you breathed, swallowing thickly. Fingers brushed through your hair, combing it all to one side as you centered yourself. “Swear just.....M’just...” your words began to trail off as the room tipped. Voices called out to you as eyes fluttered, rolling back as your body finally gave into the pain.

Barry had you in his arms before you hit the ground, jaw tight as he gazed as your unconscious form. He should have seen it sooner, should have been there for you. The guilt was already pricking at his brain, zipping to the med bay to lay you tenderly on the bed. Caitlin was steps away, heels clicking as she moved around the small medical room, already working on bringing up her systems to run diagnostics.

When you woke up next, the cortex was empty, the bright lights hanging over you burned your eyes. Hissing as your pupils were made to dilate too quickly, a hand moved to protect them. That’s when you saw it, the wires and tubes attached to your body. Frowning you squinted through the light at them, hand lowering to gaze at your surroundings. The memories were slow to resurface, but within moments you remembered how you got there.

“Great,” a forlorn sigh as you sat yourself up, ignoring the pulsing in your head. Fingers tugged at the tubes, yanking the IV free with a wince of pain. Maybe you should have done that more gently. Next to go were the monitors, sticky pads ripped from your chest and arms -- the incessant beeping of the the heart monitor casting you into true silence. Glancing around there was a small relief in being alone. That meant you could slip out without anyone noticing, without anyone asking any unwanted questions.

Standing, it was all too apparent that you weren’t ready. The rush of movement had the world tipping again, hand shooting out to catch the bed and steady you. If Caitlin or Barry were here, they would definitely tell you to sit, a soft chuckle leaving your lips. They were always the worry warts, a soft sigh puffing free as you stood slower this time. You’d explain it to them soon enough, just not...now. Right now you wanted nothing more than to go home, pile under some covers and just-

“You’re awake!” an all too familiar voice sounded behind you. Cursing your luck, you turned, offering a meek wave to the one and only Scarlet Speedster.

“Hey,” you muttered, inwardly groaning as he sped before you, checking you over with fussy hands and pouting lips. “Barr, I’m fine,” you grumbled, your own fingers grasping his wrists, forcing him to pause. Putting distance between the two of you, you sent him a pointed look in hopes he would relax.

“So fine that you pass out after taking my pain away?” the quip was sharp and you knew you’d been caught. A brow lifted, those familiar hazel eyes daring you to contradict them. There was a pregnant pause between the two of you -- Barry waiting for you to lie and you trying to think of a believable one. When nothing came to mind, you simply sighed, shoulders slumping in defeat.

Barry smirked, knowing he’d won your little battle of wills, though it was short lived. This was serious. You were hurting yourself and he needed to know why. “How long?” the question was simple and yet you were reluctant to answer. Casting a wary glance to Barry, you prepared yourself for his reaction. God...why couldn’t you have woken up four minutes earlier....

“Since....” you paused, squirming under your friend’s worried gaze.

“Since...?” Barry coaxed, stepping closer as he dipped to try and catch your gaze. His stomach twisted, awaiting your answer. He knew he wasn’t going to like it no matter what, but the falter in your words had him on high alert.

“....Since we....Since we found out about Iris.” There, it was finally out in the open. You said it, heart hammering in your chest, fingers tugging at once another as worried hues shifted to your friend. Another pause as Barry’s eyes fogged, dancing over unseen words as he did the mental math. You could see the moment it clicked, the realization dawning on his face just before his attention focused back on you.

“That was months ago! What!....I-....Do-.....Do you know what sort of risks you’re taking?!” Barry fumbled over his words as the anger and worry built inside of his chest. But most of all he was hurt, hurt that he hadn’t noticed sooner. Hurt that he had spent months worrying over his wife-to-be that he didn’t realize the sort of pain you were putting yourself through for him, for the team.

“Of course I do!” You were quick to retort, defensive as usual. You weren’t some child that needed watching after! You were more than capable of making your own, semi (not really) informed decisions!

“Oh really! Doesn’t look like it!” Barry shot back, each quip the two of you gave closing the distance between the two of you until you were chest to chest, nose to nose, the tension rising inside the small glass room.

“Yeah! Well-!” you huffed, cheeks flushed and brows knit tightly together. Your hands fisted at your side, relaxing only to fist once more as you bit back the words that wanted to fall free.

“Well? Well what?” Barry breathed, suddenly all too aware of your proximity. His voice had lost the edge it had only previously had, breathless as his gaze flickered over your face. Your eyes were bright with an emotion he couldn’t place - heart squeezing in his chest at the sight of it. Your skin was flushed, stray strands curling around your round cheeks, soft lips pulled into a kissable pout. He did his best not to linger on the word his mind conjured up to describe you, a trembling breath fanning across your face as he watched the fight leave you.

“You wouldn’t understand.” Your words broke his heart, shoulder catching his own as you pushed past him. He wasn’t going let you go so easily. Smirking as he sped in front of you once more, halting your steps, hands caught your shoulders - a gentle, reassuring squeeze as he dipped to catch your gaze. 

“Make me understand.”

His voice was so soft, so gentle and sweet. The way he was looking at you had your walls crumbling down. They always did. That was one thing Barry Allen never failed at, making you utterly melt whenever he gaze you that sincere little pout, the one he was doing right now. The longer you looked into those familiar hazel hues, the more every bottled up emotion you’d ever felt began to rise to the surface. Eyes began to burn with the tell tale sign of tears, breath hitching as you tried to choke them back.

“Because......because,” drawing in a trembling breath, everything spilled out moments later - tears and words alike. “Because I wanted to be useful! You run all over saving people. Cisco and Caitlin, even Julien, can do all of that science stuff! Wally and Jesse have powers! Joe is a seasoned detective! Iris is a natural born leader and I-....I....I can’t....I...” tears trailed hot tears down your cheeks as sobs broke through your little rant. “I don’t do anything!”

“Of course you do!” Barry was quick to counter your words, arms winding around you as you crumpled into his chest. They held you close, tucking you tightly beneath his chin, right hand rubbing soothing circles against your back, left tangling into your soft locks. “You help us all, all the time. How many times have you found answers that were right under Cisco’s nose? Or...Or helped Caitlin look at her problems differently? Julien was a total ass before you got him to lighten up and you’ve helped Joe with so so many cases! You’ve got a unique way of looking at things, ways we never can come up with on our own. We couldn’t have done half of what we do without you! Besides, what would I do without you, huh? You were there for me through everything y/n,” Barry cooed, pulling back to cup your cheeks in his warm hands. “You stayed up late with me when I was scared of the dark. You went to every lame convention I wanted to go to so I wasn’t alone. You’ve never once let me go through my moms anniversary alone. You....you were always there....”

Why hadn’t he noticed it before now? Your eyes, the way they shone when the light hit them, the cute slope of your nose and the sweet looking plushness of your lips. Why hadn’t he realized how perfectly your hair framed your face, or how melodic your voice was until this moment? Why did it take pointing out all of the little things you’ve done for him over the years to realize what you meant to him before it was too late? Before-....

“You’re just saying that,” a pout on those soft lips that had Barry’s gaze stuck on them once more. He watched as, despite the tears that still stained your cheeks, they stretched into the first true smile he’d seen in weeks. The way it made his heart race in his chest was wrong, so so wrong, but the butterflies in his belly were hard to ignore. He was seeing you in an all new light - one that he wished he’d seen before.

“There’s the smile I love~!” he mused, nose brushing yours in soft little eskimo kisses. A giggle fell before you could stop it, smile widening across your features. Pulling back, Barry couldn’t help but smile at you, fingers swiping at drying tears. “I’d lose it if anything happened to you,” he confessed, an emotion in his eyes that far exceeded that of friendship.

Your heart lurched in your chest, eyes locked on Barry’s hazel one’s. There was....something happening here, something that your mind told you to stop before it was too late, but your body wouldn’t move. You watched as his eyes fell from your eyes to your lips and back again, the distance closing with each glance. Barry was just a breath away now, hovering so close, yet hesitating. If he did it....if he gave in, things would never be the same. Hazel eyes lifted back to your own one last time and he made his decision.

Warmth covered your mouth, soft and sweet as his lips molded to your own. It felt so natural like this, a soft moan muffled as lips moved in practiced tandem. Barry slipped his tongue across your bottom lip, groaning as they parted and he was able to delve into your warm cavern. It was a feeling he’d never felt before, hands slipping into your hair as he pressed closer - if that was even possible. His heart was pounding so loudly in his chest, thudding loudly in his ears. Could you hear it? Could you feel the effect you had on him.

You were drowning in the kiss, working hard to keep up before simply forfeiting over control. Barry Allen had you wrapped around his little finger, mewling as his tongue flicked against your own - coaxing it into a sensual dance. Fingers wrapped around his wrists, breath hitching at the rush of emotions you felt surge through you. Lust, adoration, need, and relief swarmed around your mind, trapping you two in your own little world. You couldn’t believe it. Barry was kissing you. He was kissing you and he wanted you. He wa-

“Barry?” a strained voice cut through the bubble you and Barry had existed in. Lips parted with a wet smack, head snapping to the side. Eyes wide as you stared in horror, lips parted with no words able to form you wished you never woke up that morning.

“...I-Iris....”

[rose-gold-romantic]

Whatever It Takes:Chapter Three

A Loki x Reader based in the Tesseract fic universe! Avengers: Infinity War follow-up fic. Next in the Tesseract fic series. Links to Tesseract, Lokasenna, What Heroes Do, and Fidelity. Also to my AU Feel You.

I WOULD LOVE FEEDBACK! Want to be tagged in updates? Let me know!

@malignentmac @fandomsfanman @i-am-supermerwholoked221b @markusstrayya @sincereleygmg @pandaqua​ @person-born-winchester

Just a forewarning, this one has a major POV shift from the past entries, since Reader was Dusted at the end of Fidelity! Keeping with my recent trend in fic titles, it’s named after a track on the official soundtrack. I also constantly watch this Video, and recommend it to hype you up! @malignentmac @fandomsfanman @i-am-supermerwholoked221b @markusstrayya @sincereleygmg @pandaqua​ @person-born-winchester

The days passed with a harrowingly slow pace, every hour feeling as a lifetime. Everyone in the compound was on edge, in their own stage of grief for the fallen, and anxiety for Danver’s return. Over two weeks had gone by, with no answer from Danvers.

Thor had settled in to a pattern that seemed a stronger version of behavior that I had seen before. His sole focus seemed externally to be finding the rest of the Asgardians, but I knew that he was grinding his proverbial axe for a rematch with Thanos. The guilt that he carried with him was nearly tangible, and my attempts at reassurance went without response. Thor would not resume any form of normalcy until Thanos had been brought to justice.

One night, as I continued monitoring the system we had scanning for the Asgardians, the ground began rumbling beneath my feet. I looked up to see Steve and Natasha both running towards the front doors, and I followed suit.

Bruce and Rhodey were already outside, and we slowed to a walk as we watched a spaceship slowly float to the ground, Danvers carrying it as she slowly descended. Pepper Potts ran out to stand with us, tears welling in her eyes. As the ship rested on the ground, the boarding ramp deployed, and two figures shuffled out.

Nebula supported Tony as they came out of the ship, and Steve ran up to help support Tony.

“I couldn’t stop him.” Tony breathed, his body thin, weak, and doubtless shutting down from lack of food and water.

“Neither could I.” Steve replied, frowning.

“I lost the kid.” Tony confessed, his distress evident.

“Tony,” Steve said, his usually calm composure beginning to crack, “We lost…”

“Is um-” Tony’s question was abruptly cut off by Pepper’s embrace.

“Oh my god.” She said, tears now falling in relief.

“Let’s get him inside.” Rhodey said, “We can talk shop in the morning.”

When morning arrived, we all gathered in the boardroom, sitting and standing around the table. Thor continued to seclude himself and sat in a seperate area, the rolls he had once denied now being consumed.

“It’s been 23 days since Thanos came to Earth.” Natasha said, explaining Earth’s predicament to Tony and Nebula. “World governments are in pieces. The parts that are still working are trying to take a census. And it looks like he did… exactly what he said he was going to do. Thanos wiped out fifty percent of all living creatures.”

“Where is he now?” Tony said, sitting in a wheelchair as an IV bag continued to drip, “Where?”

“We don’t know.” Steve answered. “He just opened a portal and walked through.”

“With the space stone at his disposal, he could be absolutely anywhere.” I clarified, capturing Tony’s attention.

“Are you guys sure I’m not dead?” Tony said, gesturing to me. “Last time I saw you, you tried to kill all of us. Now we’re all buddy-buddy?”

“There were several powers at play at that time,” I said carefully, “I do sincerely apologise for the destruction and injury I caused in New York. Thor and I have both come here in hopes of restoring our people’s lives, though our search for the remaining still continues.”

“Speaking of Thor what’s wrong with him?” Tony asked, gesturing to my brooding brother.

“Yea, he’s pissed.” Rocket replied, “He thinks he failed. Which of course he did, but there’s a lot of that goin’ around here, aint there?”

“Honestly, until this exact second, I thought you were a Build-A-Bear.” Tony said, startled.

“Maybe I am.” Rocked mumbled.

“We’ve been hunting Thanos for three weeks now.” Steve said, attempting to re-center the conversation. “Deep Space scans, satellites, and we’ve got nothing. Tony, you fought him.”

“Who told you that?” Tony snarked. “I didn’t fight him. No, he wiped my face with a planet while the Bleeker Street Magician gave away the stone. That’s what happened. There was no fight.”

“Did he give you any clues, any coordinates, anything?” Steve pressed, our hope waning.

“I saw this a few years back, you know.” Tony griped, “I had a vision, I didn’t wanna believe it. I thought I was dreaming.”

“Tony, I’m gonna need you to focus.” Steve said, trying to prevent Tony from derailing the conversation further.

“And I needed you. As in past tense.” Tony said, his tone cutting and bitter. “That trumps what you need. It’s too late buddy. Sorry. You know what I need?” Tony stood up, shoving things off of the table. “I need to shave. And I remember telling you, Cap.”

Tony moved to hit Steve, but not before Rhodey and myself restrained him.

“Tony, Tony, Tony, stop!” Rhodey said, trying to calm his friend.

“Otherwise what we needed was a suit of armor around the world.” Tony continued, his tone harsher with ever word. “Remember that? Whether it impacted our ‘precious freedom’ or not- that’s what we needed!”

“Well, that didn’t work out, did it?” Steve said, his throat constricted and tight.

“I said, ‘we’ll lose’. You said, ‘We’ll do that together too.’ And guess what, Cap? We lost.” Tony spat. “You weren’t there. But that’s what we do, right? Our best work, after the fact? We’re the Avengers, we’re the Avengers. Not the Prevengers, right?”

“Okay, you made your point.” Rhodes stressed, “Just sit down, ok?”

“Nah, nah, nah.” Tony insisted, shoving Rhodey and myself away. “Here’s my point.”

“Sit down!” Rhodey repeated.

“She’s great, by the way.” Tony said, gesturing to Danvers as his breathing became more and more labored. “We need you. You’re new blood.”

“Tony!”

“Bunch of tired old mills!” Tony continued, “I got nothing for you, cap. I got no coordinates, no clues, no plan, no options. Zero. Zip. Nada. No trust. Liar.”

Steve’s face fell, Tony’s continued attacks wearing down his usually collected exterior. As the one-time friends continued to stare at each other, Tony ripped his ARC reactor from his chest, shoving it into Steve’s hand.

“Here, take this.” Tony spat through labored breaths, “You find him, and you put that on. You hide.”

Tony collapsed to the ground, exhausted after the stress of the argument.

“Tony!” Rhodey exclaimed as Steve, himself, and I all gathered around Tony to support him.

“I’m fine.” Tony breathed, “I…” Tony lost consciousness, and Steve and I carried him to a hospital style bed in another room.

Bruce set up a new IV for Tony, and Pepper came in to his room to be with him as Rhodey left and came in to the conference room once more.

“Bruce gave him a sedative.” Rhodey said, “He’s gonna be out for the rest of the day.”

“You guys take care of him.” Danvers said, “And I’ll bring Xorrian Elixir when I come back.”

“Where are you going?” Natasha asked.

“To kill Thanos.” Danvers replied coolly.

“Hey, you know, we usually work as a team around here.” Natasha said, causing Danvers to take pause. “Between you and I, we’re also a little fragile.”

“We realize that this is more of your territory.” Steve said, “But this is our fight too.”

“Do you even know where he is?” Rhodey contested, irritated.

“I know people who might.” Danvers replied, optimistic.

“Don’t bother.” Nebula said from the doorway. “I can tell you where Thanos is. Thanos spent a long time trying to perfect me. Then when he worked, he talked about his great plan. Even disassembled, I wanted to please him. I’d ask, “where would we go once his plan was complete?”. His answer was always the same: To the Garden.”

“That’s cute.” Rhodey scoffed. “Thanos has a retirement plan.”

“So where is he then?” Steve asked.

“Rocket, show them.” Nebula said, and Rocket nodded before leaping up onto the table.

“When Thanos snapped his fingers, Earth became ground zero for a power surge of ridiculously cosmic proportions.” Rocket said, a hologram of Earth appearing above the table. “No one’s ever seen anything like it… Until two days ago.”

The hologram shifted, showing another planet with a shockwave traversing the surface. “On this planet.”

“Thanos is there.” Nebula confirmed.

“He used the stones again.” Natasha said, inspecting the hologram.

“Hey, hey, we’d be going in short-handed, you know.” Bruce cautioned.

“Look, he’s still got the stones, so…” Rhodey added.

“So let’s get him.” Danvers suggested, “We’ll use them to bring everyone back.”

“Just like that?” Rhodey questioned.

“Yea, Just like that.” Steve said.

“Even if there’s a small chance that we can undo this,” Natasha said, “I mean we owe it to everyone who’s not in this room to try.”

My mind raced with the thought of having (Y/N) back with me, holding her again, being able to tell her how much I loved her. My heart ached for the chance, for the idea of being able to rectify the grave wrong.

“If we do this, how do we know it’s gonna end any differently than it did before?” Bruce countered.

“Because before, you didn’t have me.” Danvers explained, her composure cool and collected.

“Hey, new girl, everyone here is about that superhero life. Even the ex-villain over here.” Rhodey said, gesturing over to me. “And if you don’t mind my asking, where the hell have you been all this time?”

“There are a lot of other planets in the universe.” She replied, “And unfortunately, they didn’t have you guys.”

Thor rose from his bench, walking over to face Danvers. He held his hand up to summon Stormbreaker, and it flew across the room, soaring into his hands and missed Danver’s face by mere inches. She didn’t flinch, and instead smirked at my brother with a knowing look.

“I like this one.” Thor said, finishing the roll he had been eating earlier.

“Let’s go get this son of a bitch.” Steve said, nodding.

[shar357]

It Had To Be You

So, until I get the AO3 invite, I guess I’ll post this here in honor of yesterday’s episode. NOTE: If you aren’t caught up on all of the current Hideout Raid Arc and the aftermath of it, don’t read because there are HEAVY SPOILERS for the next few episodes.

Train, past-midnight

Kirishima watched the scenery pass by as he left the destruction of Kamino Ward for the relative safety of Musutafu with his chin in his right hand and a quiet, sinking sadness in his heart. Right after Bakugou had grabbed his hand, he had been ecstatic - they had succeeded in rescuing his best bro. Bakugou was safe, grinning, physically fine, squeezing his hand and calling him an idiot... if Kirishima could’ve lived in the adrenaline of that moment forever, he would. 

However, moments pass, and now, watching the landscape pass, the cost of today’s battle hit him full force. Ragdoll was in critical condition, Best Jeanist might die, and Mt. Lady had been injured attempting to protect them. He’d let out a small sigh of relief when he saw Kamui Woods rescue the pro-heroes but it didn’t stop him from refreshing his news feed every few minutes for updates on their conditions. Still, while all of that was the source of his current anxiety, the source of his sadness was different. 

All of those people crushed by the floating villain boss in an instant and the feeling that the Age of the Symbol of Peace had just come to an end. There had been so much death and Kirishima gripped his shirt above his heart with his other hand as he remembered the visions on him dying with Iida, Todoroki, Yaoyorozu, and Midoriya. Tears threatened to fall as he realized that they had gotten insanely lucky... if they were standing on the other side of the warehouse, they would have all been crushed in an instant like the civilians. Adults resting after a long day at work, teenagers  secretly texting their friends in darkened bedrooms, kids peacefully dreaming of being pro-heroes... was this what pro-heroes thought about on their hard days? Was this the burden All Might had to bear constantly? All of those people they couldn’t reach, dead before they could scream. Remembering back to one of the few history lessons he’d payed attention to in middle school, he wondered if this was what it felt like to be in Hiroshima or Nagasaki during the atomic bomb blasts.  

“.... excuse me. Young man, excuse me. Your phone’s been ringing for the past five minutes.” Kirishima jumped suddenly in his seat and looked up to see a balding businessman smiling sympathetically and holding out a tissue. Touching his cheek, he realized he’d been crying. Whispering a thanks, he worked on drying his face and checked his phone to realize he had around 10 missed calls from a number he vaguely recognized. 

“Also, young man,” Kirishima looked up to businessman again, “I don’t know what you went through today.... I suppose we all went through a lot, especially All Might. Whatever happened, whatever’s going to happen... I’m glad you’re alive.” Before Kirishima could reply, the stranger walked away and got off the train and he noticed some bruises on his neck and the ash covering his suit. Realizing that he’d probably just talked to a civilian who had survived the Kamino Ward explosion, Kirishima’s mood lifted slightly as it dawned on him that there were probably other survivors. 

‘I’m glad you’re alive, too,’ Kirishima thought as he watched a man with a beard run up and tearfully embrace the businessman on the train platform. Just then, his phone rang from the same number and Kirishima finally picked up. 

“Oi, shitty hair, what the fuck is the point of having a phone if you’re not going to answer it?!” Kirishima’s cheeks heated with embarrassment upon hearing Bakugou growl at him and he started rubbing the back of his neck.  

“Oh, sorry bro, I spaced out and didn’t hear it ringing. What number are you calling from, anyways?”

“It’s my dad’s. The police are checking my phone to see if the villains hacked it and found out the training camp location that way.” 

“Attention, we’re now pulling into downtown Musutafu. The next stop will be Shizuoka.” Kirishima started to make his way to the train exit. 

“You’re still not home, shitty hair? It’s 3 AM!” 

“The trains got backed up with everyone trying to leave Yokohama. I’ll catch a bus and be home in around 20 minutes.” 

“Just... just fucking let me know you get home or something.” Bakugou hung up. It was only later, while Kirishima was laying in his bed failing to fall asleep after letting Bakugou know he was home, that he realized he had no idea why Bakugou called. 

Next Evening, 6 PM

Kirishima was drinking a protein shake and reading a police statement regarding the injured/dead pro-heroes and civilians when the doorbell rang. Groaning, he got up and shuffled over to answer, surprised to find Bakugou’s dad at the door. 

“Oh! Hello, Mr. Bakugou!”

“Hi, Kirishima. Would it be alright if I came inside?” 

“Of course! Please, come in!” Kiriishima hurried to the kitchen make some coffee for the older man.  

Upon returning to the living room and handing over the steaming, black drink, Kirishima noticed the dark bags under the older man’s eyes had worsened as he accepted the coffee with a tired smile. Kirishima had practically lived at Bakugou’s house over the past few days and had seen firsthand the toll Bakugou’s kidnapping had taken on his parents. Still, he had hoped Bakugou’s parents would be resting more easily now that their son was safely back home. 

“Kirishima, when did you get home last night?” 

“Umm... pretty late. Around 3:25 AM... why?” 

“I heard Katsuki talking around then and couldn’t find my phone. I figured it had to be you.”

Kirishima was struck with a sense of déjà vu, as he remembered Midoriya’s plan from last night ‘It has to be you, Kirishima... but why did all these people who had known Bakugou for his whole life think it had to be him?’ He quickly pulled himself out of his confused thoughts when he realized that he and Bakugou’s late night call might be the reason for Mr. Bakugou’s lack of sleep and sheepishly averted his gaze. 

“I’m sorry if that kept you up, Mr. Bakugou. Really, I didn’t mean... “ Mr. Bakugou held up his hand. 

“No, no, don’t worry about it. Actually, I’m glad he called you. He... he hasn’t talked at all after giving his statement to the police. Except for calling you.” Kirishima blushed, once again wondering...

“Can I ask why he called you?” 

‘Was Bakugou’s dad some kind of mind-reader?!’ “I’m not sure, actually. He didn’t say.”

“Well, what did he say?” 

“Ah, not much. He mentioned the police had his phone, asked why I wasn’t home yet, and...” ‘and he asked me to let him know when I got home... he was worried about me. He called because he was worried.’ Kirishima felt his blush deepen at the realization. He knew Bakugou cared, beneath the constant death threats and explosions, but it was hard to read how much and it wasn’t often that Bakugou expressed it so blatantly. 

Mr. Bakugou smiled softly. “He cares about you a lot, Kirishima, though knowing my son, he probably doesn’t show it nearly as much as he should.” ‘Seriously, this man definitely has a mind-reading quirk on top of all the explosive sweat!’ 

It was silent for a few moments before Kirishima realized he had yet to respond.  “That’s alright. I know he cares and I care about him, too. He’s my best friend.” 

“I think your stunt last night made that pretty obvious. How long did your mom ground you for, again?” Kirishima winced as he remembered his mom’s steely gaze at breakfast earlier that morning as she outlined exactly why, while acknowledging the manliness of being there for one’s bro, the whole idea had been extremely dangerous. ‘At least she called it manly.’

“Two months... nothing but school stuff, gym, and home.” Kirishima sighed thinking about how he wouldn’t be hanging out with any of his friends for a while... no impromptu Mario Kart races with Kaminari, snack runs to the corner deli with Ashido, movie nights with Sero, or eating dinner at Bakugou’s...

“Do you want to come over for dinner, tonight? Actually, do you want to to stay over for a couple of days? We already cleared it with your parents.” Kirishima was surprised. His mom rarely had reason to ground him, but when she did she never budged. Still, who was he to question good luck. 

“I’d love to. Thank you for having me, Mr. Bakugou. I’ll go pack a bag.” 

Bakugou Household, 7 PM

Kirishima walked in the door and was immediately squeezed half to death by Mrs. Bakugou. 

“Kirishima! It’s good to see you safe. You worried the crap out of your mom and I, kid.” Kirishima felt a pang of guilt and squeezed her back.

“I’m sorry I worried you, Mrs. Bakugou.”

“No, I should be sorry. We’ve all been so stressed the last few days and relied on you so much. But none of us asked how you were doing. Just... damn it, it turned out ok, so that’s that. Thank you for saving my dumbass son but don’t pull that shit again or I’ll kick your ass to Mars and back.” Mrs. Bakugou released Kirishima and pulled Mr. Bakugou with her into the living room, turning on the news. 

Kirishima walked to the kitchen and saw Bakugou frying some gyoza on the stovetop. Bakugou turned his head, red eyes meeting red. Kirishima felt a huge knot in his stomach slowly unwind and smiled honestly for the first time since saving Bakugou last night. 

“I’m going to go put my stuff in your room.” While walking back in the hallway he overheard the news broadcast.

“... Rumors have been circulating like wildfire that the battle in Yokohama last night was All Might’s last. All Might was present as part of the rescue mission to save Bakugou Katsuki, a student at UA high school who was kidnapped by the League of Villains during a training camp run by the school. UA has come under heavy criticism regarding its safety standards recently after numerous student encounters with villains over the past year...”

Kirishima’s smile faded as he walked upstairs, unwilling to listen anymore. He dropped his bag on the floor and dropped his body on the bed. Turning on his side, he stared at the singular All Might poster and Bakugou’s framed UA acceptance letter above the desk. He felt tears threaten to fall as he remembered his classmates begging them not to go, Aizawa sensei bowing at the press conference, and Iida asking if his feelings didn’t matter. He hadn’t heard anything yet about his punishment from the school, but he was honestly just hoping none of them got expelled, remembering that Todoroki, Midoriya, and Iida were on thin ice with Aizawa sensei ever since the Hosu City incident for whatever reason. Maybe even more painful than the thought of expulsion was the silence in the class group chat ever since they visited Midoriya in the hospital. There were no memes from Kaminari or music recommendations from Jirou. None of the casual banter that typically resulted in notification after notification. He’d be devastated if he got kicked out of the school he’d always dreamt of attending, but Kirishima was too dead set on becoming a hero to let that stop him. What he couldn’t handle, as he sniffled his nose a little, was feeling like he destroyed the class dynamic. He knew, technically, they were right... it was a dumb, risky idea and they all could have died. But, fixating on a picture of a young Bakugou Katsuki with his parents at a baseball game on the top of the dresser, he knew that he’d do the exact same thing, one hundred times over. That didn’t stop that sadness he felt as he wondered if Class 1-A hated him.

“They don’t hate your dumb ass.” Startled, Kirishima sat up and saw Bakugou staring intently at him with narrowed eyes and a scowl, leaning against the door jamb and holding a plate of gyoza and two sets of chopsticks. While Bakugou set the gyoza down on the bedside and sat down on the bed, Kirishima wondered once again, if a mind-reading quirk was present in the family. Bakugou scoffed, startling him again.

“Nobody has a mind-reading quirk. You keep mumbling your thoughts out loud, idiot. Don’t turn into fucking Deku, jeez.” Kirishima blushed. Blushing was becoming a habit. 

“ ‘Fucking Deku’ was pretty useful last night while we were rescuing you.”

“Again. Not a rescue. You morons were just the best escape route at the time.”

Kirishima rolled his eyes at Bakugou’s stubborn nature. “Fine, whatever you say. Why did you bring all that gyoza upstairs?”

“... just eat your damn dinner.” Kirishima wanted to prod further, but his stomach was rumbling so he did as he was told. After finishing the plate, they sat in a comfortable silence for a few moments. Before Kirishima could say anything else, Bakugou decided to speak up. 

“I don’t want to talk to my fucking parents. That’s why.” Kirishima frowned upon hearing that. 

“They probably want to talk to you, though.”

“Yeah, shitty hair, I know. That’s fucking why they wanted you to come here.” Kirishima’s brow furrowed further trying to make the mental connection. 

“... seriously, do I have to spell it out for you? They think you’ll make me open up or some shit.” Kirishima snorted at the thought of anyone making Bakugou Katsuki do something he didn’t want to do. 

“Talk on your own time, man. I’m going to go get ready for bed.” 

Bakugou Household, 8:30 PM

By the time Kirishima got back, Bakugou was already laying down on his bed. Laying down next to him, Kirishima turned to stare at the All Might poster and his thoughts drifted back to thinking about whether or not All Might was really, honestly done. Kirishima supposed everything came to an end at some point, but for as long as he could remember, the Symbol of Peace had been the pillar of society. But if he was done... what would that mean? Would All Might keep working at UA if he did retire? Would Kirishima even be able to attend UA after last night? 

“Shitty hair, what did I say about all the mumbling?” Kirishima turned back around to see Bakugou’s bright eyes glaring at him and pouted.

“Sorry, dude, I didn’t know I was still doing it.” Bakugou rolled his eyes and flicked Kirishima on the forehead. 

“Thinking isn’t your strong suit. You’re dumb as rocks if you think UA is going to expel you.” Kirishima pouted more hearing that.

“It’s a pretty logical conclusion, actually.”

“No, it isn’t. If All Might’s really... done... then society needs heroes more than ever. They’re not going to expel you. Now would you fucking relax and go to sleep; you’re acting weird as crap.” 

“How am I being weird?! You’re the one who won’t even talk to your parents.”

“You’ve barely smiled since you got here, you look like you haven’t slept in days, you won’t stop mumbling and I came upstairs to find you lying on my bed and crying earlier. You’re being weird.” Kirishima started thinking about how weak Bakugou had to think he was if he saw all of that. Not like it wouldn’t be accurate assessment at the moment, though. 

Bakugou’s eyes managed to narrow further,“You’re not weak. You’re just worried about too much bullshit.” 

“I’m still mumbling then, huh?” Bakugou sighed. 

“You’re not mumbling, Kiri. You just always think that and I don’t fucking get it. You idiots had a dumb idea and you shouldn’t have done it, but it was manly as fuck that you went through with it.” Kirishima beamed hearing that.

“You really thought it was manly?” 

“And dumb. Don’t forget that part. You idiots all could’ve died.” Kirishima remembered the death visions, the destruction from yesterday, Best Jeanist’s wounds... suddenly Bakugou pulled him close and put Kirishima’s head onto his chest. 

“Stop shaking so much. I said you could’ve died. You didn’t die.”

“A lot of people died.” 

“Having a panic attack and refusing to sleep isn’t going to change that. Breathe, fucker. Then sleep.” It was silent for a few minutes while Kirishima counted his breaths and Bakugou ran his right hand through his red hair. 

“Hey... Bakugou?” Bakugou groaned. 

“Hnn... what is it now?”

“Thanks.” Now it was Bakugou’s turn to look confused.

“For what?”

“For staying alive, for fighting... just thanks.” Bakugou’s eyes darkened and he rubbed his throat with his left hand.

“That’s a stupid thing to thank me for. I shouldn’t have gotten fucking kidnapped in the first place.” Kirishima placed his left hand over Bakugou’s. 

“You know, you didn’t get kidnapped because you were weak. You’re not weak.”

“If I was stronger, I wouldn’t have been kidnapped. All Might could’ve fought at full power the entire time. Best Jeanist wouldn’t be on the brink of fucking death. All those civilians wouldn’t be dead. My parents wouldn’t look like they hadn’t slept in days. You wouldn’t be so damn sad.” Kirishima wiped a few angry tears from Bakugou’s cheeks.

“That’s not...”

“Yes, it fucking is true. All Might never would have gotten kidnapped.” Kirishima didn’t know what to say to that. “I’m the reason for this whole shitty mess so stop looking sad. This isn’t your fucking burden, Kiri.”

“Look... I don’t know what to say to get it through to you that you’re not weak. You’re the manliest dude I know. As far as me being sad, though, it was way worse the last few days when I didn’t know where you were or anything. I knew you’d fight whatever crap they tried to do to you and I was scared you were going to get hurt and I’d have to live the rest of my life knowing I was the useless idiot who did nothing while their best friend got kidnapped. I just missed you a lot and I’m really glad you’re back.” Bakugou mumbled something that Kirishima couldn’t quite hear. 

“What was that? Who is acting like Midoriya now, huh?” Bakugou stopped stroking his hair and immediately tried to explode his face. Kirishima was thankful for his quick reflexes with his hardening quirk. 

“Don’t compare me to Deku, shitty hair.” Kirishima pouted a bit at being demoted from ‘Kiri’ to ‘shitty hair’ again. “I said I missed you, too. Now go the fuck to sleep. We’re going over math all morning tomorrow.”

“What? Why? Do we have too?”

“You’re supposed to be grounded, Kiri. How the hell do you think I was able to convince your mom to let you come over?” Kirishima felt his blush return and started smiling, immediately causing Bakugou to blush in return. 

“... seriously, what is it now?”

“I know why it had to me.” 

“Huh? What the fuck are you even talking about?”

“Why it had to be me that reached out to you and why you called and everything... you don’t do anything you don’t want to do. It had to me because you wanted it to be me.” Everything stayed silent for a few moments.

“... where the fuck are you getting the idea that I wanted you there yesterday? I would have found a damn way to get out of there! You idiots were dumb but convenient. That’s it you....” Bakugou noticed Kirishima breathing had deepened and his eyes had closed.  

“... seriously, this idiot finally chooses to go to sleep now?” Bakugou let out an irritated huff, wrapped his arms around said idiot, pressed a kiss to his temple, and fell asleep. 

On the Other Side of Bakugou’s Bedroom Door

Bakugou’s mom let out a satisfied smirk  and went downstairs to call Kirishima’s mom.

“... yeah, the plan worked. Those two are finally getting some sleep. Did you get the notice about the boarding the kids? I figured we might be able to call in a favor regarding the room arrangements...”

And then Kirishima and Bakugou ended up as neighbors in the dorms and the rest of the story happened. Thanks for reading if you made it all the way down here.

[razorblade180]

interdimensional Dads 4

Jaune:Who’s Next?

Jaune:Pick a number from one to a thousand.

Jaune:Since you married Yang it’s either 69

Jaune:Or 420, but because it you I’m gonna with 7

Jaune:Purple gets to go.

Jaune:....Oh did you- oh I see. That’s stupid. I like how he got the answer but it’s stupid.

Jaune:Hate to break it to you all but I can already tell that I’m probably the least interesting here. My Remnant doesn’t have anything crazy going on.

Jaune: Lucky you. We just wanna relax.

Jaune:Hehe, anyways I started dating Blake when we were at Beacon. Well I guess technically we didn’t date but we went on a lot of dates because we liked similar things. Music, tea, some books.

Jaune:Filth!

Jaune:*red* It’s been called that, yes. It’s something nice to bond over.

Jaune:Bond over, or bind over?

Jaune:I’m surprised you didn’t say bondage over.

Jaune:So scandalous. How grown of you.

Jaune:What would your dear parents think? Oh the shock!

Jaune:Why am I the one getting picked on!? You guys would literally find a similar interest in it!

Jaune:We know, it’s just funny seeing you red. Please continue.

Jaune:I can’t imagine the trip around the world was dramatically different. Reuniting with Blake was super comforting. We finally started officially dating after she scared me half to death at Argus. After beating Salem I decided to go with her back home after visiting my folks. Her parents were stunned to see yet another blonde-

Jaune:Sun or Yang?

Jaune:Both...you see, they new Sun for obvious reasons. Yang was a little more....how to put it?

Jaune:....She was in love with her too, wasn’t she?

A strange feeling of guilt and sadness filled the air.

Jaune:Yang and Blake were always pretty close, more so than with me in certain aspects. They were partners so of course it would be like amd with all the stuff that happened between them since Beacon, Yang falling in love with her was so easy to see. It wasn’t like it was one sided either, but those aspects, the knitty gritty hardships they shared? Sometimes sharing all that history makes it hard to have a normal relationship. So Yang took it pretty rough when we officially got together.

Jaune:That must’ve been a rough pill to swallow.

Jaune:It definitely was awkward at first l and a little bit of animosity. But eventually overtime it got better, until it didn’t... Blake and I had a kid. Our quiet little Lucas. Yang never out right said anything but having him and seeing us, me have a life with Blake brought sadness along with whatever happiness she did have for us. So she barely visits; she’s still kind when does though but it’s hard not to see that she would rather be somewhere else.

Jaune:Damn that’s....that’s rough. I couldn’t imagine my life without Yang. She’s practically my best friend at this point; always there to pick me up.

Jaune:Yeah she’s been a real life saver for me too.

Jaune:She’s my wife so it goes without saying that a world where she doesn’t want to be around me or Blake for that matter is pretty crazy. Do you at least have Ruby, Weiss, Ren and Nora?

Jaune:Yeah they’re around doing their own thing and we take turns visiting. Ruby tried to act like a bridge between us and Yang and it works for the most part. It’s rough but not as rough as it sounds. But any who, I guess I should talk about Lucas now.

Jaune:Before that, I couldn’t help but notice that you sound a little more...proper than the rest of us.

Jaune:*red* I’m always running into some important faunus that meets with Blake about equal rights stuff. It’s very weird being the only human around sometimes so I try extra hard not to say anything dumb. Don’t you have to meet with wealthy people a bunch?

Jaune:Yeah. They no better than to give me a hard time, or Weiss will kill them. They are very aware of the name ice queen.

Jaune:Ah.....Weiss. *smiles*

Jaune:So joe is your kid? I bet he’s as driven as his mother!

Jaune:*puts head on table* That boy has zero motivation! If you don’t bother him then he’ll lay around all day and sleep like a....well like a cat!

Jaune:Yikes...

Jaune:To be fair, I understand why. His semblance shows him various glimpses of the future that he’s never been able to complete control. Sometimes it activates without warning so it’s not uncommon for him to know something coming up. Poor guy can’t even finish a book sometimes without seeing his future self reading the ending.

Jaune:No wonder he has not motivation. The spice of life is being spoiled for him!

Jaune:Lucas is such a bright kid, a little bit awkward at times but he’s kind too. It’s a real bummer to see him in this constant slump. It’s not small things that get spot either. There are times he’s seen accidents happen and could do nothing to stop it, or the vision was so vague he didn’t know what was going on until it was too late. The world becomes pretty anxiety inducing if all you see is potential accidents.

Jaune:Potential?

Jaune:Yeah, it’s possible to avoid his visions. They aren’t set in stone by any means. He’s seen me beat him up in sparring and then didn’t show up. He’s walked out into the ocean before out of nowhere and speared a barracuda that he says “would’ve been bothersome later.” A family went swimming later on in that area. Still wish he went outside just to smell the roses though.

Jaune:Sounds frustrating, I feel for him. I don’t think my mind could function.

Jaune: I don’t think his is if he’s becoming a shut in. Maybe therapy or something? What does Blake think about all of this?

Jaune:Blake can convince him more than I can to move around more consistently. She’s always checking in out of nowhere and making sure both of us are doing well. This girl video chatted one time just to see if anything done anything fun, then forced us to find something fun to do if we haven’t. She knows if we’re left alone then we start stewing in our own thoughts way too much.

Jaune:That’s actually really sweet.

Jaune:I know! I can’t believe that’s my wife! We call her to make sure she takes a break from work or else she’ll work through lunch. We are basically tripping and picking each other up, it’s such a weird mess hehehe. That’s family though. It gets a little tense but nothing we can’t handle. Especially Lucas, I got a feeling his slump is about to turn into a rollercoaster.

Jaune:What makes you say that?

Jaune:Well....

xxxx

On a sunny day in menagerie a beautiful young girl looks up at the sky with complete serenity and wonder. It’s so blue, so simple, yet so fulfilling.

“You ever look at the sky and just wish you could touch it?” Her gaze drops to in front of her to see a very unamused Lucas.

“No, no I don’t.”

“That’s too bad. Are you more of a deep blue see guy or...”

“What are you doing?”

“Trying to know my bodyguard.”

“Still not your bodyguard.” He groaned. “Can you focus on not moving. I have three shots at this.”

“I bet you’ll get it right first try, no pressure.”

Lucas’s eye twitched as the girl gave him a big smile in her frayed harness, fifty feet from the ground. The boy angled his feet on the unsecured steel beam just enough to distribute his weight evenly.

“You and I have very different viewpoints on tense situations...” He slowly leaned forward with his hands stretched out. “Grab my hands at the same time.”

“Is it bad I wanna know what happens if I don’t?”

Her question was meant with stressful silence and anxious looks that only made her smile. “Just kidding, I can’t grab your hands at the same time when they’re trembling. Lighten up a little.”

“You do know this is your life right now?”

“Yeah I know. Hey, you single?”

That came out of nowhere. He folded his ears, flustered and confused. “What does that have to do with-”

The girl suddenly grabbed his hands. “Boom, you stopped trembling. That’s what I call team-” the harness snapped. The feeling of complete weightlessness took her for a moment before gravity came to pull her down. It was in that second Lucas yanked her close, her body in his arms.

He slowly slid backwards onto sturdy ground and then felt a strong breeze that was more than enough to sever the beam from the rest. The girl gasped.

“The workers!”

“Don’t worry.” He looked over the edge to see all of them far away and the beam falling right into their massive pile of dirt he told them to put down. Lucas let out a long sigh before looking at the girl.

She raised her eyebrow. “You haven’t answered my question yet.”

He groaned again. Go for a walk they said. It would do you some good they said. Now I’m dealing with this.

“I’m single.”

“Cool, I’m not.” She giggled.

“.....” He slowly nodded. “I should drop you.”

“But you won’t.”

“Sadly....”

Part 3

[not-my-patton]

Patton’s Prisoner

Sander Sides Modern Day Royality AU (Mainly because I can’t do Historical fiction because this is an accurate representation of me.) that’s been in my head that I literally can’t get out of my head. Will probably write more, but here’s a thing that I binge wrote before I forgot.

Word Count: 1323

Pairing: Platonic Moxiety

Summary: Patton always goes down and talks to the prisoners that have been sentenced to be executed. However, this prisoner is quite ... lets just say different for now.

Tag List: @patton-loves-coloring

This wasn’t a new thing for Patton.

Everyone called him Morality for a reason; he was the “heart” of the royal family. A big heart that he was willing to share with literally anyone. So when he started to head down the dungeon stairs, nobody questioned it. He’d always go down to talk to all the people who were about to die. Often times they needed a hand to hold or just someone to talk too. Sometimes Logan would come down as well, just because his heart usually blurred his rational thought when claiming someone was innocent (although there have been a few instances where he was right.).

Each wooden step creaked underneath his weight. He’d have to do something about this place one day, when he had the time and resources. But it was a dungeon, not a five star resort. So the conditions remained subpar at best. He walked past the rows of cells with rusted doors and tiny windows if they were lucky to have them. Most were empty and some had people he’d talked to before, but they were not his concern. It was the man in the second to last cell he was here for. He was newbie.

Patton didn’t say anything right away as he parked himself outside the door. The thief, as that was one of the many things he was charged with, currently had his back to him. All the prince could see was his patched together hoodie and disheveled brown hair. Hands in pockets, head down, back to Patton.

“I don’t want to talk right now, Patton.” The man spat, his voice sounding eerily familiar. Patton was taken aback by it all as the other man adjusted his position. He crossed his legs, putting them up against the wall behind him, and draped the rest of his body across the floor.

“How ... how did you know I was here?” Patton asked hesitantly, creeping closer to the bars with caution. “And who it was? How did you know I was not your executioner?”

“I’ve grown accustomed to being acutely aware of my surroundings at all times. I also do my best to remember every little detail, like how you do this with everyone for as long as you could remember. Plus I’m set to hang on ... Thursday, I believe? I don’t know, I never could get the hang of Thursday’s.”

“Okay. Do you ... you need anything?”

“Only something you’d probably never give me.” The man paused, a short silent descending over the two before he spoke again. “My phone with my headphones. My anx ... my stress levels are through the roofs right now and I want something to calm myself.”

“That’s understandable.” Patton replied, with some hesitation. It’s no doubt he heard the word Anxiety nearly slip from the criminal’s lips, and he found it weird that he would try to take it back. He had a feeling why, so he decided to press further to confirm his suspicions. “Any songs in particular you like?”

“There’s one I really want right now.” He started, gesturing with his arms for emphasis. “It’s a split version of Panic! At the Disco’s song This is Gospel where in one ear they have the album version and in the other is the official piano version. It’s this perfect little thing that’s just so stimulating because there’s just so many parts to it.”

“I’d have to listen to it one day.” He tried to. He remembers that song. The other had shown him it once.

“There’s more. I saw once, also on Tumblr but I found it on YouTube later. Not usually my thing, Top 40’s, but this one guy just combined all of them to create this absolutely amazing song. One of those two songs is preferable, but I could also go for some Evanescence right now. I could always go for some Evanescence.”

“Virgil?” Patton blurted out, before involuntarily covering his mouth. He didn’t mean to blurt that out so soon. He wanted the other man to keep talking. He hadn’t seen Virgil this talkative in so long; usually he just shut himself out from other people’s lives. But he didn’t do that right away.

He brought his legs down off the wall and off to his side. Continuing the rolling motion, Virgil oriented himself so that he was finally facing Patton. And the latter could finally see it. The well worn half smile, the bags under the eyes masked by eyeshadow, the pain in his eyes. Patton was hitting himself that he didn’t see it.

“I’m shocked that you didn’t recognize it sooner.” He said, before dropping his tone down to a murmur. “I’m surprised none of you did.” Patton’s heart filled with guilt.

“Listen, I will fight you.”

“If it’s any consolation, I feel like I’m being threatened by a butterfly here.” Vigil said as he stood

“How could we have noticed you were in front of us?” Patton gripped the bars tightly, almost squishing his face between them at this point. “You ... someone was next to us who looked like you. Who was that?”

“I’ll give you three guesses. Probably only need one.” Patton thought about it before a minute before he figured it out. You could practically see the lightbulb pop up above his head.

“Deceit.” He snarled.

“We have a winner.” Virgil said, flopping onto the cot he was provided. He pushed himself up, half his back resting against the wall.

“So ... what now?” Patton asked.

“Like I’d know. I’m not glass half empty; I’m glass halfway down the hall. There’s no way I’m getting out of this, Pat. Not this time.”

“There’s got to be a way!! We ... we can reverse the decision! That’s possible, right?”

“Yeah, if I can convince 4 of the five of you that I’m innocent. But Deceit, sorry, ‘Virgil’ is never going to let me go free and he feeds to Roman’s ego so well that the stubborn prince is in no way going to change his mind. That’s that even if I figure out ways to convince Logan and Thomas.” Patton’s face sank alongside his heart and the rest of his body to the floor. His back turned on Virgil, determined to not let the other see him cry.

“There’s ... there’s got to be a way.” He choked out, vision now beginning to blur. “There has to.” Patton soon felt a hand on his shoulder: Virgil obviously in a gesture to try and comfort him.

“I’m sure there is.” He said. “And if anyone is going to figure it out, it be you.”

“I know. I know. Just ... we can’t let Deceit know. This needs to stay our secret for now.” Virgil nodded, though he wasn’t sure how long that promise was going to last. There was a chance, a small one but still a chance, that Deceit didn’t already know and that his influence over the members of the castle wasn’t entirely that strong. But it had been some time since ‘The incident’ and the switch, so if he only knew how much time it would be helpful. Virgil had stopped keeping track of the days. “Virgil?”

“Hm? Sorry, I missed what you said.”

“I asked if you could sing for me.”

“Oh, I don’t ...” He began to protest, but Patton was persistent.

“I love the sound of your voice. I don’t heard it in a while. And I want to make sure it’s you. So please? Just anything.” Virgil sighed. It was one of his fundamental weaknesses: he could never say no to Patton. So he began singing a song that he knew and Patton knew and really everybody knew. But it was filled with utter lies that they knew weren’t true but Virgil sang it anyways. Because it was for Patton, the ultimate optimist, and he couldn’t bear to see him cry.

“Don’t worry about a thing.

‘Cause Every little thing is gonna be alright.”

[travelagentforguilttrips]

It’s only me, it doesn’t matter

Whumptober: Prompt 7

I’ve got you | support, carrying

——

Thinking back over the years, Peter can’t figure out how he’d gotten to this point. He thought he had been smart about it for the most part. But now, hunched over the cabinet calling for May with a roaring in his ears and black vision he realizes he may have been a little stupid.

—-

Over the years he’d done it off and on. He started when he was about ten and it had seemed smart, it made him feel better about himself. It started as a punishment for what he’d deemed as his own less than desirable behavior. When he’s upset about something he’s done, he takes the razor and makes a couple cuts. It always seemed to be fine so he just kept on doing it.

He wanted to improve himself. He was too weak and flawed. He lasted a couple years too before he broke down one day and told May all about it. Sometimes he regrets it a lot but he just couldn’t take it anymore, all the thoughts and the feelings and the guilt of all the bad things he’s done.

He was being a disappointment to May by doing this, he was being a bad person by doing that. So he had stopped, for a little while at least.

He only did it a couple times after that, when he got really upset. He wouldn’t have access to a razor and just grabbed broken glass or a kitchen knife and cut into his leg, watching the blood run all down his leg. He didn’t mean to do it so hard but he’d been so angry with himself that he hadn’t even felt any pain in the process. But seeing the cut well up and bleed had felt good.

Then about four years later, the stress and thoughts may have gotten to him a bit. Being Spider-Man, then not being Spider-Man and the warehouse falling and his thoughts-

Well, it got to him a little bit. He broke down crying one day so angry with himself and his stupid anxieties(as he’s been told they’re called) that he just couldn’t stop, scratching at his arms hoping to break the skin. Only making himself more upset while he fails and trying to stay quiet in the public bathroom. It had been a pretty low point, but he figured out how to deal with that.

He could start again, it used to make him feel better so it should now. Right? And he has wanted to do it, he just didn’t because of May and May won’t know. Thinking about how badly he had wanted to make himself bleed back in that bathroom he decides to plan ahead. At least that’s kinda what he thinks he’s doing. It was a good idea.

So now when Peter gets upset he goes and grabs his razor. Even when he’s not necessarily upset and has a spare moment he gets the razor, just in case. That way if he’s not home when he’s angry, he can just reopen the old wounds.

And this is making new scars, and Peters not sure why but he loves giving himself new scars. The old ones that never faded and the new ones that were serious enough to stay and turn into a pale white. And Peter loves when after he’s done there’s all the open wounds on his skin-

But that’s not what got him here, calling for May’s help.

It was that everything was going okay. He’d never had any issues with it. And then the hatred of his weight started.

Peters not sure when it started to bother him. He never really noticed until it had gotten really bad, bothering him to the point of wanting to not eat just so that fat on his stomach would go away. And people always tell him oh what do you mean your so skinny or why would you want to lose weight you don’t even need to lose any like that makes him feel any better about his weight. Or makes it easier to look in the mirror and see all the fat all over his body.

Of course he would never not eat, too many people would notice. And he needs to be able to perform his duties as Spider-Man and not eating would hinder that. But he’s thought about it a lot, considered it.

Until one day he has enough, he completely changes his diet. He cuts out any extra food and most sugary foods. If he’s hungry at all he eats fruit or eggs or chicken, not eating as much spaghetti and sandwiches and other foods like that. He sometimes eats a burger or a muffin every once in a while but that’s it. Sometimes May will bring home Thai or donuts and he’ll eat some, then hate himself because he knows he’ll gain some weight because he ate all that fat.

And it works for a little while.

The scale starts to drop and he feels a little happier about himself. And then the scale stops dropping except for maybe half a pound or it rises.

Peter had looked into all sorts of diets and fasting techniques, so when he sees that a 48 hour fast helped someone lose some weight he decided to try.

He thinks that that’s where he didn’t think things through enough. He didn’t do enough research. He didn’t count it as starving himself because it was a fast, it was different. May ends up thinking differently later on.

Peter goes about his routine for the first day; eating nothing, drinking water, going to school and being Spider-Man. It goes great and he doesn’t even feel too bad, so he decides to go for the second day.

That day at school turns out to be hell, patrol goes horribly and he just gets so angry with himself for being so stupid. He picks up the razor and makes a couple cuts but things are different this time.

He starts to feel a little light headed, which confuses him because it had never happened before.

Then his vision starts to darken-

He starts to hear a roaring in his ears-

And Peter realizes if he doesn’t get someone to help him he will pass out on the bathroom floor with a razor and open cuts. He needs to get to May, he can’t let her just find him like this.

Peter stands, dropping the razor to the floor. He’s swaying and using the wall for support as he walks slowly to the door. When his vision goes completely black and he can only hear the roaring he starts to panic. I’m not going to make it there!

. . .

Then May’s there and he’s leaning against the table and now he can hear a little and- someone is calling for May? oh wait that’s him. May will help him, he needs help.

“Peter! Peter, what’s wrong!” May grabs into his arm and he looks towards her, vision clearing enough to make her out.

Peter can feel his throat burn and tears filling his eyes as he whispers, “I messed up.”

May’s looking at him and she grabs his arm and starts to help him back to the bathroom, Peter leaning heavily against her. “Ok let’s go back in the bathroom, easy, I’ve got you.”

Peter sits down on the toilet, pulling his shorts down revealing the cuts on his thighs and why did I do that I could have hidden it-

“Honey, I need you to tell me what happened,” May asks quietly kneeling down and rubbing her hand down his arm.

Peter blurts out everything, the weight loss and starting again. Luckily May doesn’t say anything, just nods and leaves for a moment and returns with a box of pop tarts in hand.

“You need to eat some,” May says while pulling one out and handing it to Peter.

Peter takes it with a shaking hand and slowly breaks off a piece and puts it into his mouth. He still feels a little light headed but it clears up enough for him to fully realize what he’s done once he’s halfway through the pop tart.

His eyes and throat burn, making it difficult to swallow the pastry pieces. When a tear starts to drop down he hastily raised his slightly shaking hand to wipe it away.

“You don’t need to tell me anything if you really don’t want to, but you have to talk to somebody,” May stops and clears her throat. “This can’t happen again, you could seriously hurt yourself doing something like this.”

May looks down blinking rapidly, “You know you can talk to me about anything. I’m here for you, I will never judge you but, maybe we need to think about going to see Sierra again.” May suggests quietly looking back up at him.

Peter shakes his head tears starting to fall faster than he can wipe them away. “It’s not that I don’t want to tell you,” Peter puts his hands in his lap trying to cover his thighs why did you do that you idiot, she never would have known about the stupid cuts- “It’s a lot and it doesn’t make sense unless I tell you everything and you’ll think I’m disgusting-“ Peter cuts himself off scrubbing his face with his hands roughly.

“No, I could never be disgusted by you, Peter. And no matter how long of an explanation it is I’ll listen, I’m not judging you I’m just worried. I just want you to be happy and you know I’ll always be here to help you no matter what.” May looks sincere and Peter nods.

And he finally gets it all off his chest, he feels a little better afterwards. May holding him tightly to her chest while he talks, running her hands through his hair or rubbing his back. Then May takes his razor and leaves Peter to get into the shower to clean up.

After he gets out of the shower he goes and sits on the couch next to May, leaning his head on her shoulder while she wraps her arm around him. They watch movies the rest of the night and Peter feels more relaxed then he has in awhile.

He won’t try the fasting again, he did learn something from this whole mess. But in the future he can’t say the same for the cuts. May doesn’t have to know and then it won’t matter.

As long as he’s only doing it to himself it doesn’t matter, it’s not like he’s hurting anybody. He’ll take care of them, that way there’s no chance of infection or any way for anyone to find out.

And the cuts weren’t what he wanted to go away, he wants the new ones and the scars they create. But you never know what the future holds, he may grow to hate them as Sierra told him he could.

Guess he’ll see when he gets there. After all, if May doesn’t know what harm does a couple of cuts really do?

[impertfectedchoices]

I Promise - PT.1

Prompt: In a Heartbeat

Ship: James X MC

POV: (Point of View): James

Word Count: 1511

Artist Comment: SO LIHHH, this is my first fan fiction! Woooooooh, perfect for people to look back and see where I’ve come. 😅

But I chose to write something like this because not only am I always curious about how significant others react if their spouse get hurt, and to see how much they reeeallllyyy care, but I wanted some angsty sad stuff with this being my first one. I’m still learning how to actually portray a character’s personality, so hopefully I did them justice. Plussss I also wanted to see his reaction, being in a somewhat similar situation. Like this. IM SORRY BAE, you don’t deserve this torture.😩

11:03am

“Well, when observing last month’s trends, it’s clear that everyone’s topic of interest leans towards midterms.”

Are you 100% positive you won’t need to stay? I can take a day off. Reyna wouldn’t mind covering for me at this morning’s meeting.

“When it comes to midterm finals, all the students go crazy trying to find quick crash study ideas, sir!”

I’m fine James, it’s just a small cold. Nothing I… *sniff* can’t handle! Plus you’ve been been with me since Monday, I got this!

“And the worse thing they can do, is look up Buzzfeed articles on: Ways to Pass Finals Without Studying!”

*Muffled laughter erupts from the staff amongst themselves*

And I don’t regret it, but okay. I just wouldn’t bare with myself if I didn’t ask.

“Uh… I think we should break off and do some researching.”

I’ll be okay James, I promise.

I love you.

Geez, so mushy, Heh!

She smiled up at me. You were to think she must’ve been carved by a true artist at their craft… because her smile was so mesmerizing. God, her laugh was so contagious. It dissolved any stress I thought I held in myself still. It seemed as if my mind lost its train of though just being able to hear her voice. Let alone, thinking about her. She was just genuinely captivating. I had to take her word for her word, I just needed to get through this meeting…

… but I love you too, my darling.

An uncanny smile glided giddily on her face, as my smile grew larger, and more effortless. It’s been a year, and she still remembered the “pet name” I opted for us to call each other. She was so disappointed she couldn’t just call me “Jamesies”, but-

“Um, James?”

And with a blink, I was drawn back in the library, standing in-front of the conference table; empty. I hadn’t noticed that everyone, once watching me; had moves toward separate tables & computers alike, fast at work. I was then able to distinguish the voice.

“Hey Reyna, sorry. I assumed I spa-“

“Spaced out? Yes, in the middle of the meeting.”

Had I really let my thoughts consume me that much? Normally, I’m able to regulate my thoughts enough to multitask. I’m able to focus on more than one thing, on the rare occasions that I do; and work productively.

“No one really noticed, I was able to stir things in the right direction. I let everyone know to go ahead and research on midterm finals and student procrastination with it.”

She was trying to reassure me. Reyna always had such a calm spirit underneath her steadfast & determined perseverance. She truly reminded me of myself, or in ways, something similar to Vasquez and I. Mentor and colleague. When the time comes, she’ll be capable to take MC’s place when she moves into my position. I’m blessed to have had MC’s help to hire her as a journalist to our team.

“Thank you Reyna,” She seemed to relax more after my reassurance. Patting her shoulder, I headed towards a vacant table. “Let me go do something productive, but I may need your help a little later with an interview ab-“

“Are you alright, James?”

I froze midway. Looking back at her, even from a distance; the concern was still very distinguishable. Could she notice? I had been pretty good at keeping my facial expressions indecipherable. It’s difficult for others to pick up on my feelings, if only but a guess. MC told me herself, that she found the task a challenge, although now, she has it down to a science. I really must be more worried than I assumed I had been.

“Pardon me?” She seemed to grow more hesitant at my surprised expression. Cautiously, she set her papers off to the side and took one step closer, growing more urgent.

“Um,” Clearing her throat, she took a breath, trying to expel what nerves she had left dwelling. “Well Mr. Ashton, not to be too forward, but I noticed that MC hadn’t attended any meetings all week. You mentioned that she’d be here today, but she’s not... Is she okay?” Yeah, she most definitely can pick up on it. For a moment, it seemed intriguing to see her investigating skills pick up on minuet things like this. “She’s out for today, she caught a small cold. So, she’s resting. I was going to pick up on her tasks for today.” She seemed to sprout more worry. “Is there anyone there watching her?”

“She’ll be fine. Her roommates checked up on her periodically while I stayed for the past few days. And one’s going to be keeping her company today. I’ll be stopping by to see how she’s doing after we’re all done here.” She nodded, finding enough strength to work up a smile. I wanted to diminish any worry Reyna had. She had taken a liking to becoming friends with MC, and it was clear to see she was weary of her health as well.

I lean forward and hand her some papers. “These are some templates. All I’ll need you to do today is interview a sample of students & teachers; get some comments of their experience with midterm finals. If you can get it to me by the end of the weekend, that would be great!” Nodding, she grabbed her laptop from the table, and looked back at me. “Just, if you don’t mind, giving me an update on her? From, a concerned friend?”

“Will do.”

Smiling genuinely towards her, I waved goodbye, grabbing the rest of my papers. The unoccupied table I was originally going to was still empty. Some of the students cluttered together at different tables; some discussing & showing off information they found from credible articles, and others looking up articles to gain a collective opinion. I made my rounds toward each table, giving constructive criticism, and approving work. By the time I reached the table I wanted, I had already felt semi-drained.

It wasn’t a simple task; to tuck away my anxiety. Every minute that past, calling MC raced my thoughts, even walking out to go to her aid grew more and more into an option. But, once you show worry, it travels to the majority your staff. I realized how frequently I had been checking my phone.

11:50am

This would be the best time to bury myself into my work; that’s all I need; a good distraction. I reached for my phone, and held on to the side for a few seconds.

-Slide to power off-

I slide on the screen with my thumb subconsciously, and put my phone at the side of the table. Instead of working up more worry in myself, checking the time every second, I’m going to lose myself in my work. By the time I check, it’ll feel like the time flew by. I just need to keep working, and look forward to getting lost in her voice again.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

“I’ll be okay James, I promise.”

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

My head flew up from its steady surface.

A few blinks later, and my vision cleared into light. I had been still seated at the library table I was at this morning. I looked around an empty room, Then down to my laptop. It had taken the same notion as me; the screen was black. After taping on one of the keys, I typed in my password. I must’ve been more exhausted than I anticipated. Maybe I should take it easy... but the newspaper club depends on me, they’re Head to run everything smoothly.

Sighing, I ran my hands down my face, trying to reawaken myself from my drowsy position. I couldn’t have been asleep for that long. The sudden brightness caught my attention, as the screen came to life, pulling up my novel I’d been working on. My eyes glided to the corner.

6:38pm

No…

My eyes darted up, scanning for any window for reassurance. Confirming my accusation, the sun had been setting outside. I could tell just by seeing the libraries reflection on the glass.

I moved my books to the corner, pulling my phone from underneath a stack of papers. After several attempts to turn it on, I came to the obvious realization & lapse of judgement:

I turned it off earlier

As I muttered swears and insults to myself, I began hoping & praying that she’d been okay.

She was okay.

She has to be okay.

She is okay.

The phone breathed on, and I froze. All I could do was stare, stare at my screen; and for what felt like forever, nothing was there. Nothing had popped up. As my phone screen went black, it suddenly began vibrating repeatedly, notification light flashing like a strobe light as the screen cut on and a multitude of notifications flew down it.

The feeling of repulsive guilt and anguish engulfed me as my phone continued vibrating.

MC 👑😂☺️👫💕 Missed Call (10) & Voicemail

MC 👑😂☺️👫💕: Text Message

MC 👑😂☺️👫💕: Text Message

MC 👑😂☺️👫💕: Text Message

MC 👑😂☺️👫💕: Text Message

Building the courage to scroll down, I noticed phone calls & texts from Kaitlyn. Guilt plaguing me enough to avoid reading & listening to MC’s first, I opened hers, anxiety clearly working to my disadvantage.

“Uh, James? I’ve been calling you from MC’s phone. She’s not okay…”

I dropped my phone on the table as I stuffed my books into my messenger bag.

“…um, were at the hospital right now, we had to leave a little after 2:15,”

I pulled my lanyard from around my neck and grabbed the keys from them, shutting my laptop closed.

“I don’t think it’s just some cold, she hasn’t woken up since talking about you earlier. That was around 11:30 this morning, when you get this, come asa-“

Her voice began to muffle as I stuffed my phone straight into my pocket, running through the library doors towards my car.

My mind fell blank, with only one thought racing:

Please, let her be okay.

6:45pm

•NEXT