#and yes I did depression sleep until 11pm leave me alone

[loser-user-noaccuser]

Waking up to that josh TikTok is very indescribably overstimulating

[obxdrewseph]

Hard to Love - Rafe Cameron

Description: Pushing away people came easy to you. You pushed away your friends when they urged you to get out more and you pushed away your family when they urged you to eat more. You felt like a burden to everyone and you didn’t want that. You were hard to love with your harsh attitude and pickiness. Once Rafe Cameron, your new friend and classmate, tries to convince you to give him a chance, you wonder what it would mean to be a girlfriend-- someone who gives love and receives it... you wonder: are you even capable of being loved? 

so this is sort of a continuation of High Maintenance, but also can be read as a standalone? I thought it would be interesting to explore the romantic relationship that didn’t get to develop in that fic ... so here ya go! :D

--------

Being your friend was hard, but being your boyfriend was much harder (not that you had one yet, just for future reference). 

Being your friend was hard because you cancelled plans last minute because of chronic pain/aching or because you were going through a depressive episode that made you unable to socialize. 

No one talks about the mental side of physical pain. 

Trust me, you wouldn’t be nice either if you were hungry half of the day and in pain the other half. 

You didn’t want your diet to define you, yet it was like you revolved your entire life around your meal times. 

You pushed your friends away who wouldn’t do enough research on your condition. You obviously didn’t expect them to look up everything about it, but when they gave you food you couldn’t eat or asked you to go on hikes you couldn’t trek without feeling dizzy (or even fainting), you couldn’t help but distance yourself. 

You didn’t want to share all your negativity with them; they didn’t deserve that. 

You were used to being the rock of your group; not exactly the mom friend, but the happy, funny friend everyone went to for a laugh or to have fun. You weren’t the one with problems. You didn’t get to be that person. 

You didn’t want to be that person. 

“I’m a fucking idiot!” You shouted at no one in particular.

“We know!” 

You glared at the girl standing in the hallway who happened to be your best friend and your house mate. You and 3 other girls decided to stay in apartment together for your freshman year and you never regretted your decision. You could never live in the dorms with people making noise all day and night. 

You were already agitated all the time. 

“Go away, Ames.” 

The girl sighed. 

“I made some rice krispies. Do you want some?” 

Yes.

“No. I’m not hungry.” 

That was a lie. 

“Ok, well then why are you so upset today?” 

You paused, wondering if you should confide in her. Despite you guys being best friends, you never truly felt like you could confide in anyone. It was a fucking miracle that you spilled so much to Rafe Cameron, a boy you never thought would become one of your best friends. You honestly thought he would leave you the second you got off that wooden bench, yet you two hang out all the time.

You decided to give her a lighthearted version of what you were feeling.

“I’m not it’s just... random question: am I high maintenance?” You asked finally.

The girl snorted. 

“Yeah, everyone knows that.” 

Your heart sank. You were starting to hate that joke. You knew you had a lot of dietary restrictions and people had to work around what you ate, and before you didn’t mind that, but now you hated when people did that for you. 

You just wanted people to stop asking you out to eat or asking you to hang out. You just wanted people to leave you alone. 

“Fuck you.” You said laughing, it was fake. But she didn’t need to know that.

“Whatever, is that all you wanted to ask?” 

“Nope, I wanted to ask are you still having your bachorlette party next Saturday?”

“Yup, you better be there! No ditching me for whoever old lady author you wanted to see.”

You bristled at her harsh tone and flinched when she slammed your door shut so that you couldn’t argue with her. 

You heard her soft footsteps fade away which allowed you to slip back into your negative feelings. 

All you could think about is that if your best friend didn’t even want to deal with you or fully understand you, how could anyone else? 

---------

“Hello~ Earth to y/n?”

A black line skitted across your face, snapping you out of your trance. You swatted at the pencil floating in front of your face with an angry look.

You were currently in the library, working hard on your essay that seemed like it would never end.

“What do you want?” You snapped.

You were in the middle of focusing your attention on a small dot at the back of the room. You did this to try to take your attention off of the discomfort in your stomach. You wouldn’t exactly call it pain, but it didn’t feel great.

The poor boy’s eyes drooped at your anger.

“Um, sorry you just were spacing out.”

“Well, don’t interrupt my space outs.”

“Got it.”

Why were you being so mean? You never were like this before you got diagnosed. You were so irritable all the time and felt anger build up in you faster than expected.

It wasn’t fair to the boy sitting across from you.

Rafe Cameron.

The boy was dedicated, you could give him that.

You didn’t expect much from the obviously Southern boy who sat next to you in a Shakespeare class. You felt like you were sitting on pins and needles until Rafe started talking to you; you didn’t know why you took a male-dominant class. You weren’t used to talking to guys so often, but you wanted to push yourself. Get out of your comfort zone you embraced so much in high school.

After he apologized for being a dick about eating standards, you easily started to fall for him a bit more.

But that didn’t matter.

His feelings wouldn’t last.

They never did.

“Um, are you okay?” Rafe finally said. You wanted to snap at him once again, but when you saw his concerned blue eyes, you lost your bite. 

You forced a smile. “I’m fine, just a bit tired.” If you had a nickel for every time you gave that excuse, you’d be a billionaire.

“Oh, then we should finish here.”

“No!”

You said abruptly. He lifted a brow.

“No?”

When he saw your face turn a soft pink color, his eyes lit up and he softly bit his lip. He knew what he did to you.

“Um... no, it’s ok. I can still study. I’m ... I’m mostly just upset because I wanted to go to this book signing that’s like a week from now, but I have to go to my friend’s bachelorette party. I really love this author, but I won’t get to see her and she rarely goes on tour... But it’s fine, I’ll get over it and studying helps me keep my mind off things.” You shrugged. 

Yes, your friends were getting married that young. You simultaneously loved and hated your friends. You seemed to always be dropping things you loved for them, but you knew they wouldn’t do the same for you. 

Your friends were great to live with, harder to be friends with. Plus, two were avid bakers and another was an aspiring chef. You hated all of the temptations of their baked goods. 

He laughed at your nerdy confession which rubbed you the wrong way. He stopped laughing when he saw your dark expression.

“Sorry, I was only laughing because I totally get that. There are some authors that just leave an impact on you and you would die to meet them. And plus, those parties are lame. All they do is drink and drink and drink, which you can’t do because it’s not on the low fodmap diet.” 

Well, boy definitely did his research. 

“Exactly! Finally, someone who understands.” You turned your head away so he wouldn’t see you blush-- it wasn’t because you were shy, but it always happened when you got excited about something. 

He nodded and saw your head wobble. A sharp pain fluttered through your head. You probably needed to eat something. 

“Are you... hungry?” The boy said hesitantly.

This got you in the mood to be mean again.

“No, I’ll tell you when I get hungry, Rafe.”

The bite in his words made him move away from you. You hated this. You wanted someone to comfort you, but you pushed everyone away.

Self-sabotage was your middle name.

--------

You felt a warm hand softly tap your shoulder. 

“Library closes in less than 10 minutes.” Rafe whispered to you. 

Shit, I fell asleep. 

You lifted your head and saw the once full library empty out. 

“Shit. I fell asleep.” You said your thoughts. 

Rafe chuckled. God, you loved his laugh so much.

“Yeah, I know. You look cute when you sleep.” 

You smiled, but can’t believe you fell asleep in public. You weren’t the type to let your guard down so easily. When did you get this tired? When did you become this weak?

You felt your stomach rumble silently, signaling your hunger. 

“Um, do you wanna get out of here and get some food?” 

You began to say no, but he stopped you.

“Ok, let me ask that once again, do you want to get out of here and I can cook you food?” 

You felt anxiety build up in your chest. You never trusted other people to cook for you. You had this irrational fear that people would deliberately try to sabotage your meals, but truly people just didn’t know what you can and can’t eat. 

“Uh... you know.”

“Yes, I know, strict diet. I’ll look it all up to be safe.” 

You were going to say no, but you wanted this so badly. You just wanted to hang out with a really cute and nice guy without feeling abnormal. It was almost 11pm, but you weren’t going to pass up the chance to hang out with him.

“Ok, take me to your place.”

-------

His apartment was dark and organized. You tried not to laugh at the display of books on the ground... you definitely needed to get him a bookshelf. 

“Do the books feel better on the ground or something?” You teased. 

“Yup, they need their sleep too.” 

He nudged you on the shoulder to let you know he was joking. 

“Oh, and watch the hiking supplies. I went last weekend and haven’t had time to clean it up since I’m going on Sunday again.” 

Hiking... 

“You like to hike?” 

The boy nodded, his face brightening. “Yup, I’m an outdoorsy kind of guy. Love hiking, going to the beach, sports, all that jazz.” 

You nodded, not relating to any of that. 

You looked around, but realized there were only two doors, and one leading to the bathroom. 

“Oh, you live alone?” 

You fiddled with the hem of your shirt nervously.

“Yeah... is that ok?” He asked softly. 

Yes, yes, it’s more than ok.

“Of course! It’s just I don’t know many sophomores who live alone.” 

What you meant to say is you didn’t know many sophomores who could afford to live alone. JJ always joked about Rafe being rich, but you weren’t aware of the extent of his wallet. 

He chuckled. “Yeah well, it’s easier to focus on my studies this way. No distractions.” 

You nodded. You would live alone if you could afford it. 

“Got it. Perfect for the ladies too, right?” You winked. 

Rafe choke on air. You enjoyed flustering the usually confident Mr. Cameron. 

“God, um, I don’t know how to respond to that.” 

You shrugged. “Can’t deny the facts.” 

He gave you a gentle look. “Y/n, you’re the first girl I’ve had in here since my last girlfriend.” Your jaw dropped.

“Really? You haven’t had a single girl in here for... a month?” 

“Unless you count my little sister, then yup.” 

“How does a guy as hot as you not bring a single lady friend here for over a month?” He let out a strangled laugh.

“You think I’m hot?” 

“I know you’re hot. And you know you’re hot.” 

The pink blush that formed on his face made you want to run over and kiss his cheeks. 

But friends didn’t do that. 

“Well, I guess... I guess I’ve been waiting for the special girl to come along.” 

He gave you a look you couldn’t quite decipher. 

“Yes, I’m the most special girl in your life, right?” You teased, trying to be nonchalant about the tension in the room. 

He just smiled at you. 

“So! What are you cooking?” You said, changing the subject. 

This distracted him. “Well, I have leftovers from yesterday... I have rice noodles with chicken broth--”

“Um, I can’t eat pre-made chicken broth.” You interrupted before he could get too excited. Thankfully, you hadn’t gotten your hopes up about eating much at his place. People could rarely accommodate to your needs. 

“Oh don’t worry, I made the chicken stock last night with... a real chicken. So it’s not out of a box.” He opened his fridge and you saw a cooked chicken that was sitting there. “See?” 

You paused and evaluated the situation. 

“So... you made chicken pho?” You said blankly. 

He blushed. “Yeah, yeah I did.” 

You thought back to that night. That night when you confessed to him your deepest and insecurities. 

You yelled at him about how you basically only ate Asian food exclusively. 

“Did... Rafe... Ok, if I didn’t know any better, I would say that you expected me to come over today. Unless you just happened to have IBS friendly food.” 

You were joking, well half-joking. You guys always met on Thursday nights to study, so he knew you would be hanging out then. You hated the excitement and fondness filling in your chest; it would be only a matter of time before you pushed him away. Or until he left. Whichever came first.

His face was red now. “Um, I may have anticipated it.” 

Oh God, your heart was so full right now. You didn’t even want the food anymore, you just wanted him. 

But he had put great effort into this. You had to eat it.

“Thank you.” You whispered. 

He shrugged off your words. “It’s no biggie, I know I see you Thursdays and we always study pretty late.” 

You set the table while he dipped the noodles in water to cook them. He made two bowls, one being larger than the other. He remembered that you rarely ate big meals. 

As soon as he set your food down, you realized he had to watch you eat. And you had to make conversation while eating. You hated talking and eating. 

And you got a lot of gas while you ate. Shit. This was a bad idea. 

You pushed those thoughts aside and took a sip of the soup. 

It was amazing. 

“This is really good.” 

He smiled widely. “Thanks, I tried my best.” 

Thankfully, you didn’t have to talk much while you ate. The TV served as a good distraction to that. When you finished your bowl, you waited for the pain to hit you. You felt your stomach gurgle around and you clenched your fists to avoid the pain. 

You had good and bad stomach days. Some days you could go the whole day without feeling any pain, but then you had days where you ate any food and felt a mild discomfort and had to lay in bed. 

You felt a mild discomfort, but it faded quickly enough. Thank God, a good stomach day.

After you both finished eating, Drew put both the bowls in the sink. You tried to do the dishes, but he wouldn’t let you. 

“Thanks for the meal again.” You said, anxious to leave.

It wasn’t eating that was the worst part of IBS, it was the anxiety afterwards. You were always nervous that your stomach would flare up hours after you eating, which it sometimes did if you ate something not IBS friendly. 

“You’re always welcome here.” 

You checked your phone. “Um, it’s getting late. I should go.” You turned to leave, but he caught your wrist softly. 

“Wait, y/n.” 

You stopped and turned to face him. He looked nervous as he was still holding your hand gently. 

“Yeah?” You tried to say casually, but you were now extremely anxious for a reason besides food.

He let go of your wrist to brush his fingers through his hair. You loved his messy hair. 

“Um, ok, well... ok I’m just gonna say it.”

“Say it then.” You said out of habit. He glared at you, but you knew he didn’t mean it.

“Fine, well, you’re... you’re really fun to hang out with. Do you want to... go out with me sometime?” 

“We go out together all the time.” You said stupidly. 

He let out a strangled laugh. “Yeah but... like ... as a date.” 

Your heart stopped. 

“A date.” 

“Yes, a date, if you want.” 

A date? What could you both possible do on a date? You hated eating at restaurants, you can’t go hiking or backpacking because who knew when your symptoms would pop in and you were stuck on a mountain with no bathrooms and nowhere to sit. Not to mention, you didn’t eat much so you got lightheaded easily. You weren’t compatible. You would just be a burden to him. 

“y/n?” You almost forgot you were in the middle of a conversation.

You looked up at his pretty blue eyes that were full of hope. You couldn’t do this to him. You couldn’t hold him back like that.

“I... I’m sorry, Rafe... I can’t.” His face fell. “You’re an awesome guy, I swear to God you’re the best guy I’ve ever met. But... you just... we’re just... we’re just different.” 

That was a cop out answer and you knew it. 

“Different.” He echoed. 

You nodded. 

He paused, like he was wondering whether to keep talking to you or just kick you out. You wouldn’t blame him if he chose the latter. 

He then laughed bitterly. 

“That’s bullshit, y/n and you know it.” 

His harsh answer stunned you.

“What are you talking about?” You bristled. Now you were irritated.

“Oh, c’mon, you know I like you, and I know you like me. You can’t ignore what we have.” 

“We’re just friends, Rafe. Just friends.” 

“But I want more.” He said sadly. 

You were on the brink of tears too. 

“I do too.” You blurt. 

“Then why-”

“Because Rafe! You want to go out and do things. You want to treat your girlfriend like a princess-- you’ve said that to me before. And you just can’t do that for me because it’s not possible.

He scoffed. “What do you mean by that? You think you’re undeserving of love? Are you trying to say ‘it’s not you, it’s me’?” He was angry, and he had a right to be. You were running him in circles and you felt bad. 

“That’s not it! I just--” You felt your legs becoming weak, you could never stand for too long, especially in a heated conversation like this. 

“Y/n? Do you need to sit down?” 

You nodded as he was already guiding you to his couch. 

“Finish what you were saying earlier.” He said softly. God, you hated how kind he was to you even during an argument. You were trying to push him away!

“Right, well, I don’t think I’m undeserving of love, but it’s too hard to love me.” 

“What does that even mean?”

“It means, you don’t know how to love me! You can’t take me on dates-- I hate eating at restaurants which is a normal date, so you can cross that off your list of fancy dinners or whatever. I can’t go hiking because what if my stomach starts to hurt on the mountain? And you just fucking saw me getting woozy standing and talking for you too long while arguing. I’ll just be a burden to you.” 

He grabbed my hands and forced me to look at him. 

“Listen to me. You will never, ever, be a burden to me. Got that?” 

His voice was low and pained, like it hurt him for you to think about yourself like that. You didn’t need his pity so you pulled away from his hands.

“You don’t deserve someone who can’t do all the things you love.” 

“Relationships are all about compromise, y/n. I can do those things with my friends.” 

You shook your head.

“Rafe, you’re a great guy. Too good if I might add. And I’m so picky about everything. When I’m mad at you one day and you want to make it up to me, you can’t buy me chocolates or ice cream or whatever. For anniversaries, you can’t just take me out to a fancy restaurant. There might be a day where you run out of tricks and you’ll realize how hard it is to love me.” You laughed bitterly. 

“I can learn what makes you feel good. I can learn how to love you--”

“You can’t learn how to love me! I don’t even know how to love myself!” You shouted. 

A deafening silence washed over the room. 

I don’t even know how to love myself.

The honesty in your own answer made you cry.

How could anyone love you when didn’t even know how to love yourself? You didn’t even know how to make yourself happy. You didn’t know how to spoil yourself. You lived your life just to get by. 

How sad. 

“I’m sorry Rafe, I just can’t do this.”

This time, he just nodded. 

He’d already given up.

----------

Around two weeks had gone by since Rafe asked you out and you embarrassed yourself. You had never been the type to be so negative or so insecure. You hated what you had become. 

You hated how you felt some sort of relief when Rafe let you go. He grabbed you an uber and you went home. 

You both were ignoring the obvious conversation that needed to happen, but it was better this way. You were back to being the chatty girl in his English class and he was back to being the guy who laughed at all of your jokes. Normal. Everything was back to normal. 

“Sup, y/n, how’s it goin’?” 

You tried not to look surprised as JJ Maybank said hi to you. 

You two weren’t exactly friends, but you were friendly to one another. Yes, he could be a dick sometimes, but he was clueless about it.

“Oh hey, it’s going good so far. How about you?” 

“He and his ‘girlfriend’ got into a fight yesterday and needs advice.” Pope blurted. You tried not to laugh at the bluntness of his friend. 

JJ hit the boy. “Dude!”

“Hey, she was going to figure it out soon enough. You can’t shut up about it.” Their banter was always fun to watch. 

“What are you guys talking about?” Rafe asked when he sat down. 

“JJ got into a fight with his ‘girlfriend’”. You made sure to use the same air quotes like Pope. 

“Yes, thank you for embarrassing me further.” You shrugged. 

“It’s not like Rafe knows her.” 

JJ sighed and adjusted his hat to hide his tired face. 

You grew soft on the poor guy. “What kind of advice do you need, JJ?” 

JJ looked at you with sad eyes, but hopped right into his story. 

“Well, so this girl I’m into, she’s this big city girl. Grew up in Los Angeles, and you know me, I grew up in a small town in Alaska. We’re just so... different. She likes doing all this city girl stuff like going to the malls and just walking around a crowded town which is so different from me who didn’t even have a big mall where I was at and you could walk miles without running into another person. 

“I just don’t know how to keep up with her all the time... and she’s rich so she has to go to these fancy events. She told me I had to dress up if I wanted to meet her parents. 

“And she doesn’t like to be on the water ‘cause she gets seasick. And I practically lived on the water when I was in Alaska! What should I do?”

You paused, taking in his situation. 

You heard Rafe scoff. 

“Dude, it’s fucking obvious. Man the fuck up and buy better clothes and learn how to hold all of her shopping bags. Isn’t it obvious?” 

JJ nodded, like this made sense.

You nudged Rafe harshly. “What are you talking about? JJ, you guys sound really different, you have to ask yourself: do I like how I have to change myself to be with her? Am I ok with that? Am I ok with sacrificing things I love to be with this girl?” 

JJ nodded, soaking in your words. 

“Relationships are about compromise.” You rolled your eyes at these familiar words. “If you really like her, you are going to be willing to change.” 

“You shouldn’t have to change for someone else.” 

“Everyone should change, it’s good for the soul. Staying static is boring.” 

“Guys, guys,” JJ stopped you and Rafe. 

“Ok, I get both points. But, I do really like her. I’ve been pining after her for a while now and... and I don’t know, I just want to win her heart over. She’s already starting to push me away because she also doesn’t want me to change who I am. But I’m willing to put in the extra effort.”

“See? Putting in extra effort to impress the girl he likes, that’s what you should do.” Rafe commented. 

You grit your teeth. 

“I agree, JJ, you should always try to be better in a relationship. If she’s pushing you away because of her own fears, that only means you need to work harder.” Pope noted. 

“Or maybe she’s right, maybe you shouldn’t push people to make them feel like a burden to you. Maybe she just wants the best for you because she obviously knows you very well!”

“Maybe he wants to challenge himself because he wants her to feel safe and comfortable around him!” Rafe raised his voice. 

“Maybe he just wants to do that because of his ego.” You said with an equally angry tone. 

“Or maybe he wants to do that because he loves her!” Rafe slammed his hands on the desk and suddenly the room was silent. 

“Um... are you guys good?” JJ whispered, his problems now forgotten. 

--------

Because he loves her.

Loves her.

Love. 

Was Rafe still talking about the hypothetical JJ in this situation or was he talking about himself? 

Because you knew you were talking about yourself. 

Was he doing the same? 

You sprinted out of that classroom once your professor dismissed you. 

“Y/n, wait.” 

You paused outside the door. If you left, it would make you look mighty suspicious. If you stayed, then you could pretend everything was ok and that the “argument” you just had wasn’t about yourselves. 

You decided to make a run for it.

Unfortunately, Rafe jumped in front of you before you could leave. 

“Y/n, please. Talk to me.” 

“What? There’s nothing to talk about. JJ can make his own decisions. What a handful of a girl, right?” You tried to step around him, but Rafe kept blocking you. “Move-”

“We need to talk and I have a class soon. Meet me at my apartment when your classes end, ok?” 

You hesitated, but the desperation in his eyes made it hard for you to say no. 

“Ok.”

-------

Rafe’s apartment wasn’t too far of a walk from campus, plus you took the bus for part of the way. You secretly ate a bowl of rice with beef and broccoli before going just in case he didn’t have any more pho left at his apartment. 

You felt your heart beating out of control as you plucked up the courage to knock on his door.

“C’mon, you can do this.” You whispered to yourself. You raised your hand to knock, but the door flung open. 

Rafe had been back for a while since he was a morning person and finished his classes before noon. You on the other hand, finished classes at 5pm. No hate in the game, this was college. 

You took in his appearance and looked him up and down. 

He was wearing gray sweatpants with a white tank top and a red flannel over it. He looked too good right now for being casual. Fuck. 

You gulped. “Hey.” 

He gave you a tight smile. “Hey.”

You both stood there awkwardly. 

“Can I come in?”

“Oh shit, yeah, of course.” 

As you stepped into the well-lit apartment, you noticed he was sweaty; it seemed like he just got done with working out. All you wanted to do was to take off that flannel and see what he was hiding underneath. 

“Did you just come from the gym?” You asked nonchalantly. 

He raised a brow at your random question, but nodded. “Yup.”

You both stood in silence for a hot minute, the tension filling the air. You noticed his eyes trailing down your body; you knew you wore tighter clothes up top to try and impress the boy. You didn’t think it would work... but it did. 

“Oh fuck it.” You spat. His eyes grew confused at your sudden outburst, but when you took 3 large steps and grabbed his face, they widened.

“Can I kiss you?” You whispered.

“Please.”

And then you kissed him. 

His lips were soft, but his hands were rough on your body. He pulled you close enough so that your chests touched, making you groan at the contact. He deepened the kiss, teasing you with his tongue. 

“Rafe,” you chanted. You didn’t know what you were asking for, you just wanted him. 

He smiled, moving to kiss you all over your face and your neck. He smoothly pulled you into his bedroom. 

His bedroom was bare; only a bed sat in the middle and one desk to the side of it. You didn’t care, as long as there was a bed in there, that’s all that mattered.

Except you happened to miss a large box near the side of the bed that almost made you hit your head on the wooden floor. 

“Oops.” Rafe caught you before you fell.

“Sorry, I forgot to move those.”

Before he could move them out of sight, you noticed something familiar looking.

“Wait... are these--?”

“Wait-”

You picked up the box before he could stop you. You grew confused staring down at the object inside of it.

“Are these... what I think they are?” 

He ruffled his hair and nodded, trying to hide his red face. “Um, yeah. It’s... yeah.” He finished lamely.

You looked down and gently traced your fingers across the extravagant book covers. When you looked inside, they were all signed by your favorite author with a cute message. You felt tears well up in your eyes. 

“You went to the book signing.” You said numbly. 

He nodded hesitantly. He wasn’t sure how you would react. “I did...I wasn’t sure which book you liked from her so I got all 3.”

He played with the bottom of his flannel, anxiously waiting for your next move. 

You set the books down and pulled him in by his shirt. 

“Kiss me.” 

He paused, but only for a moment before he stripped off his flannel. 

Yes, finally.

He laughed. “You’ve been waiting for this to come off?” Shit, you said that out loud. 

He wasted no time pressing his lips to yours. You clung onto his neck, not being able to get close enough to him. Kissing was great, it was fantastic even. But you wanted more. You gently lifted your hips to meet his, rocking back and forth experimentally. 

He groaned at your movement. “Baby,” He whispered. 

You thought you would hate that pet name. 

You didn’t. 

“Yes?” You teased, planting little kisses on his neck, his collarbone, right under his ear. When he didn’t answer, you tugged him back down to you by his hair. 

You’re sure you had been making out for at least half an hour at this point when suddenly he lifted his head up. 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes.” 

And you meant it. 

-------

You woke up in the morning with the best sleep you’ve had in years. You immediately turned to your side and saw Rafe still fast asleep. You saw his bare chest move up and down, up and down. It was hypnotic. 

You gently moved your fingers across his chest, soaking in the smoothness of it. The feeling of soft pleasure woke Rafe up. He smiled when he saw your mischievous look. 

“Good morning, gorgeous. How’re ya feelin’?” 

“Hmmm, alright.” 

He gently kissed your shoulder blade. What a tease.

“Only alright?” 

He tried to pull the blankets down to uncover your naked body, but it was the morning and you were still shy. 

You laughed at his attempts to turn you on. 

“Stop, Rafe, you horny ba-”

He then leaned in closely to you and whispered in your ear. 

“If I knew getting you books would get me laid, I would’ve done it years ago.” 

You laughed. 

“You didn’t know me years ago!” 

He gave you a crooked smile. 

“Plus, my love language is receiving gifts, so you got lucky.” 

He shrugged, but his eyes softened when he stared at you longer. 

He pulled you down for another soft kiss. You wanted more, but he pulled away before it could get too racy. 

“Told you I would learn how to love you.” 

[sunflowerhae]

Lifeboat

N.J (2k)

A/N• this is purely indulgent. It also has quite heavy themes, but at this point are any of us surprised. I want to make something clear, the reader doesn’t do what she does bc of what happens with her and Jaemin (I’m trying not to spoil). I mean, that’s just a tip of the iceberg type situation. That being said, if you are having similar thoughts as our dear reader, please call your countries suicide hotline, and/or talk to someone you trust in your life. ALSO, I am not trying to romanticize any of the topics I wrote about, I’m trying to show that even the people that seem to have it all can be just as lost and broken as the rest of us, also that the most important thing you could be to a person is someone who asks them if they’re okay. Sometimes, that’s all a person needs - Someone to listen.

READ!⚠️angst, suicide,character death, drugs, heavy self-hating words, depiction of depression/mental illness, not specified, but insinuates⚠️

{🎵SOTS☁️; Lifeboat, Elle McLemore}

The world seemed to close in on you as you stared at the boy who stood before you with a hardened gaze in his eyes. While you only stood a good 3 feet away from him, you could feel the anger and helplessness radiating off of him, transferring itself onto you in sadness and heartbreak.

“Why?” Was the only thing you could manage to get past your lips.

“Y/n, it’s not that I don’t like you, of course I do. We’ve been dating for 2 years, but I’ve just been... uncomfortable almost the whole time. It’s not your fault, it’s just, your life. I can’t handle being with one of the most popular girls in school. You seem to have it all figured out, and everyone loves you, and I feel pushed to the side sometimes.” You didn’t understand why Jaemin was mad, but the small space under the bleachers where you both stood was enough to suffocate you to the point where you didn’t care to ask.

He didn’t understand.

They never understood.

No one.

You wanted to fight to save your relationship, but the words choked into the back of your throat, just like they did when Soojin would bully people in front of you, and you wanted to scream at her and pull the other person into your arms and whisper that it will all be okay and apologize apologize apologize, but you stayed rigid on her flank, silently trying to survive until you could get to Jaemins arms, or to the bottom of a beer bottle at yet another house party you were constantly forced to attend with your other two friends.

You choose to swallow your spit, and ask him, “is this because of soojin? Did she say something to you?” You knew your “dear” friend had a certain distaste for your long term boyfriend, because - as she had worded it - his kind doesn’t belong next to someone that Soojin had deemed acceptable enough to befriend (you); “His kind” being not necessarily the most popular. Him and his other friends were amazing people, and you wished you would have befriended them on the first day of freshman year, instead of the blonde girl in your Art 1 class that always had a red scrunchie. When Jaemin introduced you to them, you could tell they were hesitate to let you into their life - what with your position within your schools hierarchy system. You honestly didn’t blame them. However, after a while they warmed up to you, and you felt like you finally fit in with people. You thought these people would become your life long friends; long after you’ve left high school and forgotten all about the life you unwillingly lead.

You suppose that is no longer the case.

“No, yes, god I don’t know, y/n. It’s just, everything! You have friends that are bitches, and I never know when you’re just going to leave me and spread some terrible rumor about me!” He was silently yelling now. It was after school, and the football team was on the field - the other side of where you stood - practicing. There were people running on the track, cheerleaders practicing next to the field, leftover students wondering the grounds. Everyone was living, moving on with their lives and turning along with the Earth - why did you feel frozen? Why did you feel like nothing was ever going to keep moving and be okay and the world was never going to be beautiful again?

“Is that what you expect me to do, Jaemin? After two years of knowing me, is that what you think of me?”

“God, y/n, maybe! I see who you align yourself with so I wouldn’t be surprised if you were a bitch just like them!” You understood he was just hurting, like you, but that didn’t make the words hurt any less. You took a couple steps back from his figure with slow nods, before turning around fully and booking your way to your car.

Jaemin watched your retreating figure with tears curling into his eyes. He left not long after you did, still thinking about you on the way home. He didn’t know this at the time, but that was the last time he ever saw you. His first love, his first heartache.

You felt guilty.

You always did. You always had this insistent chewing at your intestines; this constant voice in your head telling you that everyone was better than you, and that you didn’t deserve the praise you got for being a good person.

You tried to fight the words and the icky feelings off with trips to the volunteer center - usually with Jaemin. You went that night, hoping that this constant pain in your heart after hearing jaemins smooth, venom-filled words would choke back and leave your system, like the terrible feelings usually did when you helped people. However, no matter how many people smiled at you, and no matter how many lives you got to help, the feeling only grew more and more.

You are worthless, y/n.

You only do charity work for your own need.

No one likes you.

You’ll never be loved.

Not even Jaemin loves you.

These ill thoughts were a normal occurrence for you. Usually, Jaemin would lay you down, rub your stomach, and whisper in your ear how beautiful you were to him, inside and out.

You were a nuisance and a waste to him, y/n.

The feelings never left, and you could tell people knew something was wrong with you, so you chose to leave the center early. On your way out, a familiar face had asked you where Jaemin was. You pretended you didn’t hear them.

Your room was dark. Usually, if you couldn’t have Jaemin, you would go to your parents. However, they were away at a dinner event for your mother’s work. You would never go to Soojin, and while you loved Haeyong, she had a tendency to tell Soojin about what you two privately talked about; always trying to get brownie points with the blonde girl who seemed to secretly hate her. You figured there was someone you could go to, and it didn’t hurt to try.

Y/n [10:57pm] u up???? I kinda need someone to talk to rn hAha. Read

Y/n [10:59pm] hello? 👉👈 Read

Y/n [11:02pm] Haechan why r you leaving me on read bro?? Ik he’s your best friend, but we don’t have to talk about him, I just need someone to talk to pLS pls. Read

[MISSED CALL FROM Y/N] 11:02PM

Haechan [11:03pm] listen y/n we shouldn’t talk anymore, I’m sorry. You were a good friend, but Jaemin was and always will be first to me. And he’s right, we never know when you’re going to do a 180 on us and tell all of our secrets to everyone. We can’t - and never have been able to - trust you. I’m sorry, really. You’re a popular girl. You don’t need us, you’ll forget. When we became friends with you, we didn’t really want to, Jaemin kinda forced us to, I hope u understand. :/ we’ll forget about u, u forget about us. Deal? Read

Y/n [11:04pm] um ok. Sorry for bothering you all, have a good night Read

Y/n [11:03pm] when will u be home?Read

[MISSED CALL FROM Y/N] 11:04PM

Mom [11:06pm] not for a while, ask Jaemin to come over if you’re scared of being alone. Read

Y/n [11:06pm] mom i hate to be annoying but can u and dad come home rn??? I need u Read

[MISSED CALL FROM Y/N] 11:06PM

Mom [11:08pm] are you dying? Has someone broken in? Are you unsafe?Read

Y/n [11:08pm] um,,,,no Read

Mom [11:10pm] well then no y/n. You know how much this award means to me, I’ve been constantly working lately and finally might get recognized for it. If I leave now, I might not get it. Can whatever you need wait? Read

Y/n [11:11pm] Um yeah. I love u Read

Mom [11:12pm] u too💖 Read

Why were you never first?

Why was there no one who asked you if you were okay?

If there was, what would you say?

See y/n? No one likes you.

You’re a bother to them.

Maybe you should fix that.

Maybe if you made their lives easier, they would love you.

You didn’t deserve their love, but maybe?

Maybe the pills could love you.

They were always there for you.

Maybe, they could help others love you too.

Love love love love.

Maybe.

Maybe.

They say your parents found you in bed.

They thought you were sleeping. I mean, all your lights were off, it was late.

But in the morning, when your mother came to wake you up and saw that your eyes were wide open, well....

They found the note on your desk across the room.

It was dated a year before.

You had written it a year before.

Everyone admitted that it was such a beautiful note. Heartbreaking? Yes. gut-wrenching? Of course. But beautiful, absolutely beautiful.

They gathered everyone into the gym the next day in intervals. Freshman, who didn’t understand what was really happening, but had heard your name and definitely knew who you were, and could put two and two together.

Next, the sophomores. Like the freshman, they only had heard of you. Some had met you, some cried. You were kind, they knew.

After them, the juniors. Chenle and Jisung were sitting in the corner. Jisung was sobbing into Chenle’s lap, while silent tears fell down the olders’ face. You had always been willing to play video games with them, and were such a kind hearted person. They remember last night, when they were all sitting together and haechan had read your texts you sent out loud, and all of them were so busy feeling for Jaemin, that they blindly informed Haechan on what he should say. On how to break your heart. Chenle wished Haechan had called her.

Finally, the seniors. Soojin and Haeyong sat in the back, as always. They were both upset because you had not been answering their texts.

Renjun, Haechan, Jeno, and Jaemin were sitting on the other side. They had not been told what the assembly was about, but when the teacher got the call about it, halfway through math, she sat at her desk for a couple of seconds with her head in her hands. They knew whatever the assembly was about was not good.

Haechan was the first to react out of the four.

He whispered your name silently with wide eyes rounded on his face. His mind went to the first time you met him. You played him in a round of Overwatch to get him to warm up to you, and easily beat him. Besides Jaemin, he was probably the one you were closest to.

Jeno just kept looking at his lap with evident tears denting dark spots onto his jeans. Renjun, who was sitting next to Jaemin, couldn’t take his eyes off the boy to his right, terrified that he would faint.

Jaemin felt sick. He knew he looked pale, and his head felt a bit dizzy. He tasted metallic in his mouth, and finally registered that he was biting the inside of his cheek so hard, he was drawing blood. He wanted to leave, but he was too far up on the risers to get down.

Soojin cried. It was uncharacteristic of her, but at this point she didn’t care. How had she not seen it? Was she that self centered that she had really not seen it on you? Her best friend?

Haeyong wished you had called her, wished you had told her. But why would you? She knew she didn’t deserve to hear your heartache, but she still wished.

They read out your note. Your beautiful, heartbreaking, gut-wrenching note. They read it. And the student body listened.

I float in a boat

In a raging black ocean

Low in the water

And no where to go

The tiniest lifeboat

With people I know

Cold,

Clammy and crowded

The people smell desperate

We’ll sink any minute

So someone must go

The tiniest lifeboat

With people I know

Everyone’s pushing

Everyone’s fighting

Storms are approaching, there’s no where to hide

If I say the wrong thing

Or I wear the wrong outfit

They’ll throw me right over the side

I’m hugging my knees

And the captain is pointing

Well who made her captain?

Still, the weakest must go

The tiniest lifeboat

Full of people I know

The tiniest lifeboat

Full of people I know

Lemme know if you’d like a part two? Idk. Like I said this is purely indulgent so it’s not that good sorry :///

[daniellesimagines]

❀❀ a list of lines from every single work-in-progress to be linked later when i actually post them just bc i’m bored ❀❀

ashton irwin

And I get that it may seem obviously to other people, but... I’m not watching this on TV and you’re not here and I don’t know what people are saying about me being my back

If she’s not back by sunset, I’m leaving camp to look for her. And if something happened to her, you’re dead

I don’t care about what everyone else will say -- I care about you and your safety, so you can either stay with me at my place until everything with him is sorted out or I can sleep on your couch, but I am not leaving you alone

She deserves better than that, Ashton! She deserves better than you!

I’m a burden on everybody! That’s why I’m here -- that’s why they threw me in a mental hospital and left!

Nothing ever means anything to you anyway

She’s still my ex! Just because she ‘needed help’ doesn’t make it less weird!

Remember how you said if I needed anything, you’d do it...? C-Can I just have a hug?

You fucking heard me. Stop the fucking car

I’m not dating your ex. I asked her out if that’s what you mean

Maybe you could argue that ‘just friends’ do that too, but it’s not ‘just friends’ when Ashton does it for you

I just... I can’t...handle losing someone right after I almost lost you

Are you tall enough to ride the merry-go-round at the fair by yourself?

I’m all for taking credit for my work, but I’m not taking credit for this because 1) I didn’t do it, and 2) it’s sloppy as hell

She clearly needs someone right now and unfortunately for me, she chose you

I’ve heard your friends talking... I know no one thinks he’s still alive

I may be desperate for money, but I’m not selling my body for some rich, entitled frat guys to jack off to!

If you want to be embarrassed, that’s fine, but I’m not going to stand here and listen to you berate yourself like this

Those spirits at the prison we investigated a couple weeks ago really liked you

awsten knight

What could possibly be so hard for her?! She’s a Princess, for Christ’s sake!

Can’t imagine keeping everything bottled up is any easier than letting someone in

calum hood

I know you don’t like her, but telling her she’s not allowed to hug me around you is fucking ridiculous

Do you make it a habit to spy on people or am I just today’s lucky winner?

You can’t lie just to get me there -- I would have gone anyway

I’m not lying to Calum; I’m just not telling him how I feel

You know how you said I should be falling in love instead of living in that house...? I’m glad it’s gonna be with you

How am I meant to have fun with him around?

You wouldn’t do the things you do if you really loved me

When you’re not here, it’s easier to pretend you still love me

I have a question -- why is that guy looking at his corn dog like that?

Please don’t make me say it again -- the first time was embarrassing enough

If he knew he was going to meet you, he never would have told her those things

I can guarantee you that baby’s not his

I never stopped wanting you either

He wouldn’t have dumped me if he was still in love with me

If you were getting tired of me, you could have just said so

Always knew I’d cry if I met you guys -- just didn’t think this would be the reason

I can’t just not pay you for watching my dog for 5 months

Will you at least let me know what it’s like to kiss you?

Do you know how weird it is to have feelings for your boss?

If they want nothing to do with you, then I want nothing to do with them

Secrets don’t stay that way forever; They all have to come out eventually

He keeps asking if he can call you Mummy

It’s heartbreaking in all the right places

I told you getting the blonde put into your hair was a bad idea

cody carson

The day you get something different from Starbucks is the day I let Pistol sleep in your bedroom

At least I’ve never lied when I told you I love you

Wait, someone tried to kidnap that little girl on your lap?

dacre montgomery

My worst nightmare is disappointing Steve Irwin

damien haas

Am I even on this show right now? Is this all just some freakishly realistic dream?

harry styles

Would you have apologized if your daughter hadn’t made you?

Daddy doesn’t love me anymore

Since when are you afraid of getting rejected? 

jamie follese

I can’t help when I disappear! The cake batter calls to me and I must answer her!

He asks if I love you all the time even though I always say yes

I think I could talk my way out of jail

louis tomlinson

Nothing’s ever scared me more than the thought of losing you

luke hemmings

If I’m feeling this bad about meeting his friends, I don’t know what I’m gonna do when he wants to tell the fans

We’re only here for a few days; You’re just going to have to deal with sharing a bed until we leave

We made a bet on which one of you would confess your feelings first

Even if it wasn’t what he wanted to hear, he still needed to

She closes the store alone tonight -- you didn’t hear it from me

How many strings did my husband have to pull for this?

She doesn’t even want him! She’s only with him because she knows I do!

You know I don’t like when you do this to yourself

I got my ass handed to me by an 11-year-old and her Pokemon master of an aunt

I have nightmares almost every night, but I only come in here when they’re about you

She’s a hostage in a bank robbery! Of course I care about her being in there!

You’re by yourself in the stables at 11pm with tears on your face. Don’t tell me nothing’s wrong

Don’t be mad just because your siblings love me more than they love you

You know that means nothing to me! Stop bragging about having colors!

Even I’m not heartless enough to leave you without a dance partner

marshall traver

Nobody is alone -- not even in this world

You’re only apologizing because I’m the Princess; You wouldn’t be if I were a nobody

maxx danziger

I told him you hate water; I told him and he decided to try and throw you in anyway

Too used to blowing me off on the phone, you forgot how to talk to me in person?

I think they deserve a teacher who wants to see them succeed

If she’s still wearing her ring, she’s clearly not ready to date other people

You’re staying even though my dad’s an idiot, right?

We’re gonna circle back to the fetish thing later because I don’t believe you don’t have one for a second

michael clifford

Wouldn’t want you to stay longer than you have to just because of me

If you never say ‘I love you’ back to me, that’s completely okay

You’ve been crying, kitten; I can tell

Is there any point when you’re not going to be useless to us?

You fired her because you’re in love with her?!

What can I say? His parents are raising him right

Don’t even think about touching my brother again

Hit me like you mean it

Last day of camp -- won’t be able to do this until next summer

I know you paid my rent

Nothing would piss off that asshole more than getting the girl he wants

Since when would he jump at the chance to defend me?

I know you’ve seen how different he is with me now

The first thing I heard when I woke up was ‘I wish that I could wake up with amnesia and forget about the stupid little things’ and I did 

Unlike the girls you sleep with, I actually like being with a guy who can make me cum

It can’t possibly get worse than the hell you’re living right now

I love Michael... Oh my God... Ashton, I’m in love with Michael

Please bless us with this work of art

The only good thing about this tie is that it’s blocking some of the brightness from how pale you are

Why do you even have this song on cassette in the first place?!

She’s safe -- that’s all I’m allowed to say

How did two 11-year-olds manage to pull off the biggest switch ever?

You know they’re not going to let you marry me

I’m not a stranger to staying with people who treat me poorly

If I can handle you, I think I’m prepared for pretty much anything

You make Mumma forget about him and be happy and I like when Mumma’s happy

You said you weren’t going to let go of me

Can you write a song telling your soulmate to be less depressing? It’s really starting to worry me

I’m not stupid; I’ve seen your face -- I know I’m not getting out of this alive

I can either push past you or you can let me go, but I am going to go kiss my wife whether I have your permission or not

Not the worst injury I’ve ever had and definitely won’t be the last

This is not who I expected to be kissing when I put this dress on

ryan follese

Best of luck with your engagement to the Princess

I can’t put myself in a relationship I know won’t last

spencer reid

I didn’t marry a profiler, Spencer! I married you!

Any of us would have gone in to save your daughter -- it just happened to be me this time

tom holland

I know you love me, Tom -- I know you do... But it hurts that you don’t want other people to know it too...

trevor collins

I kinda wanted to wait and see if you were actually real before I said anything...

You may not be irreplaceable to the company, but you’re irreplaceable to me

I know you’re not sick; I know you just said it because you wanted to leave work early

zach dewall

I told you they were gonna be angry when they said it...

[slutiisms-a]

drugs 101  :  marijuana

below the readmore is compiled information about marijuana. while i don’t consider it a drug, some people do and it is incorrectly portrayed a lot on roleplay. so, below is some information about the prices, variations, how it feels, and more. this is explained from personal experience; while some people may have slightly different experiences, it is generally all about the same. this took a lot of time to type out so please give this a like if you found it remotely helpful or i'll assume no one wants any others posted for other drugs. 

! PSA !  this post is in no way saying to do the above listed drug.

pricing. 

the price varies depending on your location. some places overcharge because the supply is lower, while some places or legal places are more mandated. the key difference in some pricing is the quality of marijuana. while you could get ‘mid’, it’s not the best strains and to me is not worth it; my friend gets hers for $30 for 8 grams. however, good weed ( the kind i’d hope you’d rp your characters with ), it’s usually $10/gram. if you’re in a bad location with low supply, you could pay up to $25-30/gram. below i will explain how much a gram stretches for each way you can get high from marijuana. 

strains & effects.

what is important to know is that there are different strains of marijuana. each strain has slightly different effects ( both positive and negative ). while you don’t need to know specific strains to write it, you could if you wanted to and a good website for strains knowledge is leafly. the key to know is the three basic categories of strains and what they tend to make you feel. 

indica — couch potato. this is the one people typically think of when they think of marijuana. you tend to get the munchies heavily and you just want to relax and be chill.  sativa — energy. these strains typically put you in a social mood, you’re more likely to dance around and laugh. most of these strains don’t really give you the munchies.  hybrid — as expected, it is a combination of an indica and sativa. most have a dominance, so they will be more sativa than indica or vice versa. 

while each strain gives you slightly different effects, i’d explain the high simply by saying:

your head feels a bit lighter in the sense that you tend to not focus on anything for too long; this keeps you from getting into low points mentally. your body feels tingly; some strains makes you feel like it’s tingling on the outside while some strains make you feel like the inside of your body is tingling. no matter the strain, you typically laugh more than usual. personally, i rarely want to watch serious things while i’m high because it’s hard to focus on all the details, so most stoners end up watching things that don’t need full attention; like rick & morty, southpark, youtube videos, etc. 

please stop saying your character is hallucinating on marijuana; they aren’t. each method of getting high on marijuana gives different levels of high, usually, but even with a dab, you are not hallucinating. 

side note of importance; marijuana is a drug that the high heavily depends on the environment you’re in. different environments can give you different experiences even if it’s the same strain and method of getting high. you can have a depressed high, an angry high, a paranoid high, etc. while different strains give different negative side effects, if you’re around a mean/paranoid/etc someone or simply a bad environment, the high can have more negatives than positives. 

before i dive-in, i want to discuss how some people attempt to hide/conceal the smell of marijuana when they are smoking. there are some little containers that you blow the smoke into that it says it cleans it to rid the smell, but i have never tried those to know for sure. most people i know will get a toilet paper roll, have a drier sheet tied to cover one end of the roll, and then they will blow into the roll. another way, if you live alone like i do, if you know people are going to come around and you can’t have the smell, you can put a tsp-tbsp of vanilla extract in a small oven-safe bowl. put this into the oven or toaster oven; turn it on a low level for a while. your entire house will smell like a bakery.

ways to get high off marijuana: 

smoking through a homemade pipe/bong. 

yes, you read correctly. while in a bind, people often will resort to a homemade pipe or bong. i find this is most commonly used by young teenagers, so i won’t go too deep into details about how to make the pipes. if you want to know the specifics because your character is making one, you can google it. however, some things that people turn into pipes are apples, pens, toilet paper rolls, paper towel rolls, water bottles, tic tac containers, soda cans, etc. if you can imagine it, someone has already tried to turn it into a pipe or bong.

smoking through a store-bought pipe.

store-bought pipes can be found in smoke shops, some gas stations and online ( smoke shop websites, amazon, etsy, etc ). the prices vary depending on the size and the place you buy it. smoke shops tend to be pricier, as well as etsy. 

the size of a pipe changes how much weed it takes to pack a bowl. my favorite pipe has a decently deep bowl; i usually pack in 0.4 grams per bowl, though you could pack up to 0.6 grams into the bowl i have. typically, most pipes tend to hold between 0.2 grams to 1 gram in the bowl; though that’s not always the case. 

for example, one-hitters are a thing. just as it sounds, it’s good for 1-2 hits from it before it needs to be emptied and repacked. if you’re wondering the point of a one-hitter, i’ll answer that right now for you. one-hitters are different shapes and styles, but my favorites are the ones that look like cigarettes. this would allow you to walk around in uncrowded streets smoking from it, or smoking it in the car without anyone noticing ( i’m not saying you should smoke while driving but if you did, or if you were just a passenger ).

process of packing a bowl :

1. ensure that the bowl of the pipe is emptied and clean. ( how often you clean your pipe is up to you. you can use pipe cleaners to do this, but i find the best way is to let the empty pipe sit in rubbing alcohol for an hour or so before shaking it around in the bag and then rinsing it out with water ).  2. take out the weed you want for the bowl.  3. break it into pieces that will fit in the top section of your grinder.  4. twist the top of the grinder back and forth until all of the weed is grinded into the middle chamber.  5. twist off the first and section chamber to reveal the grinded weed being held within the grinder.  6. pick it up and push it down into the bowl. you don’t need to pack it too tightly but you don’t want it not properly pressed either.  *bonus* if you wanted to add kief to the top of the bowl, you can open the last chamber of the grinder and sprinkle some of the fine powder onto the top. ( kief, keef or keif ) is a fine powder made from dried resin glands that are found on the leaves of the cannabis plant. it contains a high concentration of the psychoactive chemical or thc that causes euphoric feelings or opium-like high that can last for hours.

process of smoking from a bowl : 

1. press your finger over the carb; which is the small hole on the side of the pipe. 2. light the top of the weed within the pipe and suck in. 3. stop the lighter and continue to suck in as you lift your finger off and back on the carb.  4. try to hold the smoke in for a few seconds at least before blowing the smoke out. simple enough! 5. once the top is a gray color on top, use something to mix around the marijuana; you can use a bobby pin or something so that you’re not seeing ash on top before smoking more of it.

you typically begin to feel the high after a couple of hits from the pipe. i don’t usually smoke a bowl at once; i smoke on it throughout time, so i couldn’t tell you exactly how long the high lasts for me but it varies per person. on a normal work day, i get home from work and start smoking around 6pm and go to sleep around 11pm; within this time, i’ll have 1-2 bowls to myself. however, some people smoke much more than that, and some people don’t even smoke daily. 

rolling & smoking a joint.

! PSA ! a joint and blunt are NOT the same thing!!!!!!!! 

a joint is with the thin white rolling papers. you can typically buy packs of these for very cheap; a couple of bucks. if you hit up the daily smoke club, you could get a pack of papers for like a buck. however, you can also get different kinds of papers. you can buy colored ones, or ones with designs, even paper made from gold; some smoke shops have them, different online stores; and i know amazon sells them. 

joints are typically up to the person with how large they are. i’m really not a fan of them, so i never roll them or ask to smoke them ( unless offered ). from everyone i know, typically you’d put anywhere between 0.5 grams to 1.5 grams in a joint; could be bigger but i don’t find that people usually do joints with less than half a gram.

process of rolling a joint without a dollar bill :

1. lay the paper down. 2. grind the weed and sprinkle it down the center of the paper, length wise.  3. begin to roll the paper around the weed in the center.  4. lick the trim on one side and press it down. be careful not to use too much spit or the entire joint will be ruined and the paper will rip.  5. ensure that the ends have some empty space and twist them closed. you can leave one end open if you’re going to smoke it immediately.

process of rolling a joint with a dollar bill :

1. grab your dollar bill and fold it hamburger style. 2. grind the weed and sprinkle it down the center of the crease you just made.  3. begin to rub the ends of the bill together up and down, the weed should begin to roll together.  4. press the paper into the bill, the edge on the side of the weed.  5. continue to slowly roll the ends of the bill together until it begins to wrap around the weed properly.  6. continue to roll until it’s completely rolled. then, use your tongue to run it across the edge of the paper to seal it down. 7. ensure that the ends have some empty space and twist them closed. you can leave one end open if you’re going to smoke it immediately. 

normal joint papers and cones are not the same. you can roll a cone or buy pre-rolled papers. unless you want to learn how to roll cones, i just buy packs of them pre-rolled online and all you have to do is push the weed down into the papers. as it sounds, they are shaped like a cone. 

process of smoking from a joint : 

1. put your lips on the filter. 2. light the end of the joint. 3. every few hits, you’ll have to tap the end against something to get the ash to fall ( ashing it ).

you typically begin to feel the high after a couple of hits from the joint. whenever smoking a joint, they burn quickly so it’s hard to not smoke it all at once. the high typically is stronger than from a pipe and it’ll last a couple of hours before it’s down enough to want more. 

rolling & smoking a blunt.

! PSA ! a joint and blunt are NOT the same thing!!!!!!!!

a blunt is weed wrapped in a tobacco leaf. the most common way of doing this is to buy a cigarillo, empty it out and then fill it with weed before sealing it. you can buy tobacco leafs that are empty, but people typically just go buy the cigarillos and empty them. they are $1/pack of two cigarillos. there is multiple brands and flavors to pick from. the two brands i use the most are game and swishers. games are harder to roll/seal but burn slower and smoother. swishers are much easier to roll/seal but burn a little faster. i typically go for swisher sweets green. 

blunts take up more weed than joints and pipes. it’s the only reason i don’t smoke blunts every day. blunts are usually at least 0.8 grams to 2 grams; some people go much bigger than this, but i don’t really see people doing under 0.8 grams unless they are making the blunt very slim or cutting it to be shorter. 

process of rolling a blunt :

1. drag your tongue across length wise on part of the cigarillo where you’re going to cut ( talented people can use their fingers to find the seal and break it, but i don’t find it that easy to do ).  2. cut length wise down the gar. you can use whatever you want for this. most commonly is a pocket knife. not even going to lie, i use eyebrow scissors a lot to make the line straighter.  3. empty out all of the tobacco.  4. drag your tongue over the inside of the gar. when i say this, i mean you literally have to lick all over the inside of the gar to make it easier to roll.  5. grind up your weed or break it up with your fingers. it’s easier to roll when it’s grinded but it burns slower if it’s broken up with your fingers.  6. slowly begin to roll your fingers back and forth to mold the weed into a roll.  7. to seal it, drag your tongue along the inside of the edge and over the top of it as well. add some pressure to the seal to let it try to hold before officially sealing.

process of smoking a blunt : 

1. put your lips on the end you aren’t going to light. 2. light the end of the blunt.  3. every few hits, you’ll have to ash it or it will fall on you.

you typically begin to feel the high after a couple of hits from a blunt; sometimes even just one if you get a big enough hit. whenever smoking a blunt, you can dab it out and restart it later. most of the time, i’ll smoke about half and then smoke the other half later. the high is more than a joint or pipe and half a blunt will last a couple of hours. overall, smoking wise, blunts are my favorite and give the best high, in my opinion.

smoking from a bong. 

bongs are the one smoking method i know the least about. i only typically use a bong with friends. however, it’s a good high and it’s very quick to get to that point. people use anywhere between 0.3 gram to 1 gram in the bong’s bowl; however, most commonly people use 0.5 gram to 1 gram.

process of packing a bong : 

1. grind up the weed, or some people will just put the nug into the bowl. 2. cover the seal of the top of the bong with your lips. 3. light the marijuana in the bowl and suck in. 4. after a few moments, stop lighting it and lift the bowl out of the bong. 5. suck in as much of the smoke that you can. 6. hold it in for as long as possible for blowing the smoke out. 

bong highs are strong; typically only needing one or two hits to be high. i don’t have a lot of experience with these in particular to tell you how long it lasts. whenever i use them, we will take a few bong hits each and then go inside and relax for an hour or so.

eating an edible.

truly, there could be an entire post just dedicated to edibles. there is so many different kind you can have and make. in a way to condense it, the explanation for making them will only be for brownies and i will explain it very vaguely. you don’t need to know all the very specifics to make them on roleplay. if you want to actually make them, you can look into recipes and things yourself.

there is so many forms of edibles. if it’s edible, it can likely be made into an edible. the most common ones that i know of and have personal experience with are brownies, cookies, gummies and lollipops/hard candy. 

the biggest thing to know is the difference in how it’s presented to you if it’s homemade vs dispensary bought. homemade is going to be given to in with dosing in grams. dispensary bought is going to be given to in with dosing in mgs. it is very easy to be confused when it comes to mgs because not everyone has experience with mgs to know what any of that means. 

mg breakdown 

1 - 2.5 mg — microdosing, some first time users. 2.5 - 15 mg — still a small dose, helps to feel more social; restless sleepers. 15 - 30 mg — more seasoned consumers; experienced users looking to help insomnia. 30 - 50 mg — season consumers, higher tolerance to thc. 50 - 100 mg — experienced thc consumers only; medically for cancer or inflammatory disorders. 

as personal reference, most edibles i’ve experienced are between 50 - 100 mg. i’ve had gummies that were 10 mg per gummy; i had three of those and it only really made me relax and not really feel high. for homemade edibles, they are usually around 0.5 gram to 2 grams per edible. 

edible high is unlike smoking marijuana. it’s much stronger, usually. you get the normal effects of weed, but at heightened levels. it usually takes anywhere between 30 minutes to 2 hours to kick in. from personal experience, edibles are my favorite way to get high with marijuana, but i find it isn’t good for a daily basis. the end of edible highs make you want to sleep for a long time. sometimes you may feel like you’re melting into something you’re sitting on or floating; but it’s still never a crazy enough high where you feel out of control of your body.

my favorite time on an edible is when i went to an aquarium while high on it. i don’t remember almost anything about the aquarium, but i hated aquariums prior to this visit. while there, everything seemed so beautiful to me and it was the most exciting thing i’ve ever done while on an edible to this day. the colors seemed so much brighter and i just remember laughing a lot.

making brownie edibles : 

1. collect the ingredients which are basically just normal brownie ingredients and then you need canna oil.  2. to make canna oil, you just need to take an ounce of ground weed and bake it for around 30 minutes. then, combine the bud with your favorite oil ( olive, coconut, etc ) on the stove on low heat for 6 or more hours.  3. then, you just add the oil into the normal brownie recipe and bake your edibles.  4. cut them into pieces. you want the pieces to be smaller than normal sized brownies, unless you are experienced and you know how much is in that cut of the brownie. it is better to underdose than overdose yourself with edibles. 

having too much of an edible : 

you will think you are dying. i don’t mean that in a fun way. everyone has a slightly different experience with this, but i will give you my personal experience. tw: vomit mention.

the edible was 300 mg and it said to have 1/4 of it for experienced users ( 75 mg ). i had never had mg edibles before so i didn’t really understand and i didn’t read the directions; MISTAKE. — always read your directions on the edible packages if it’s from a dispensary. i ate a little over half of the edible. at first, it was fun. the high kicked in and i felt great. soon, it became too much. lifting my head made me feel lightheaded; my entire body felt tingly and heavy. i felt like i was spinning while i was laying down on my bed. i don’t remember much other than telling my friend i had too much and i thought i was going to die. that’s when the vomiting began. i proceeded to vomit everything out of my system; into my trashcan by my bed because i could not get up from my bed. this continued until the consistency made me think i might actually choke on it because i couldn’t breathe. after vomit everything out, i continued to dry heave for 40 minutes. then, i passed out. i busted multiple blood vessels in my eyes; the whites of my eyes were a deep red and they did not fully go away for a little over a month. however, all the side effects did not go away until almost march; this happened december 8th. the side effects i had were dizzy spells, nausea ( i was taking a nausea medicine around the clock ), some memory lapses and generally feeling exhausted. 

even with this awful experience, i still smoke and i still do edibles. but please ! if you are going to have an edible, be careful with dosing. and if you say your character had a bunch of edibles, know that there is a big negative if you over-do it with edibles. 

as for how long edibles last, it depends on the edible mg and how your body breaks down your foods. it can last usually between 4 hours and 12 hours. most i have tried last over 4 hours, for sure. 

bonus  :  taking a dab.

dabs are practically another language to a lot of people. dab, wax, honey oil and shatter are all the same thing. dabs are a solid, waxy substance of concentrated butane hash oil; most commonly created by a high quality strain is blasted with butane, that is then extracted, these cannabis concentrates approach 70 to 90 percent thc. if none of that made sense, it’s basically a highly concentrated oil/wax that has very high percentages of thc. for reference, some of the best strains out there only have around 25 percent thc.

it comes usually in a wax form, so that is how i will talk about it mostly. firstly, i will discuss the oil. a lot of people are using the oil in vapes so that they can smoke them in public. they do not smell or taste like weed; they taste like whatever flavor you get. i find that the high isn’t as good, however, and that you end up spending more to do that than if you were simply dabbing. 

how to take a dab : 

1. get a small ‘dab’ of the wax onto the end of a thin glass rod, then set to the side.  2. use a torch to heat the metal piece at the end of the glass pipe until it’s glowing red.  3. set the torch down, pick up the glass rod and touch the wax to the hot nail.  4. circle the rod around inside of the metal piece until all of the wax has been vaporized while sucking in. 5. once all the smoke is gone from the pipe, or until you can’t take it any longer before pulling away. 6. hold it in for as long as possible before blowing the smoke out. 

no matter how experienced you are, i’ve found very few people that can take a dab without coughing afterward. i have never coughed harder than i have with a dab. it’s very strong, so you don’t need to have a lot on the rod. however, the size of the dab is up to whoever is doing it.

for shits and giggles, here is some hilarious reactions from taking a dab that i have seen when smoking with people: coughing until vomiting, falling back onto the couch with arms across chest and eyes closed for a few minutes, falling onto the ground coughing until drooling onto the ground, and my favorite experience to witness — she started coughing and began to run around the house coughing until going to the sink, leaning her head under it and letting the faucet run water into her mouth. 

as for the feeling, it’s similar to an edible. there is no down-time after, unlike edibles. however, edibles last much longer than a dab. dabs are great for taking one of them and being high off of your ass, but i’m usually taking another one before an hour is up.

i hope any of this has been helpful to anyone. i plan to do this with other drugs like cocaine, ecstacy, acid, shrooms, xanax, oxy and more. please let me know if this is something you’d be interested in or if this was helpful to you!

[mvssmallow]

Cloudy With A Chance

Chapter 30 Part I: …of commotio cordis

Masterlist

December 25th. Christmas

It wasn’t the worst Christmas he’s ever had. His parents still throw their annual dinner and even though Jiwon wasn’t there (a mutual decision), it was good to see the rest of his extended family again. His sister loved the spikey backpack that Jiwon brought back from Japan. They give his parents a huge new potted magnolia tree to replace the small one that fell over and Jiwon brought back a Sumi-E painting for their wall. He gets an expensive leather work bag and as much as he wants to reject expensive material things, he does kinda like it.

He fields questions about his apparent single life but aside from a few warning looks from his parents that still pissed him off and made him want to start an argument, he doesn’t say anything controversial. There’s a time and place for everything and it’d be selfish to ruin Christmas for everyone else.

They find him later, just before he’s about to go home, and press something in his hand. It’s a voucher for one of those astronomy trips where you hike up the hills to the planetarium and get to look at space through the gigantic telescopes. He finds another voucher in the envelope. Two vouchers. He doesn’t really know what to say and neither do they. But it’s something. It’s definitely something.

They drive by June and Yun’s apartment in between all their family engagements for a few drinks and to exchange presents. They get June a new series of Rorschach ink blot paintings for his shop and one of the new Hermés perfumes for Yun. Jiwon gets another new shirt (black this time) and another lecture from Yun about looking more presentable, although there was so much fondness in his voice that it shouldn’t even qualify as a lecture. He blushes red when he opens his box to reveal new bedsheets. Actually, they are just newer versions of the same sheets he and Jiwon have now, he just loves them so much he was planning to use them until they disintegrated. They wash and use the new sheets that night, snuggled in bed, watching Love, Actually for the 20th time. He falls asleep to ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’.

He discovers very quickly that there’s no rest for the wicked when you have two sets of families (three, if he counts June and Yun). They go to church with Jiwon’s family the next day and he meets the rest of the relatives over lunch. They don’t introduce him with any kind of title but he thinks everyone knows anyway. If there was a problem, nobody says anything and soon enough it’s all forgotten anyway when Juin and Jinah announce that they’re pregnant. It’s met with cheers so loud that he’s actually taken aback for a second. But Jiwon’s hand is there to catch him, as always, fingers pressing firmly and reassuringly against his hip when no-one is looking. They give Jiwon’s mom the new mixer she wanted and when Jiwon’s dad sees the purple orchids (from Jiyoon’s shop), he gets a hug that half chokes him. Jiwon get new Nikes and a blue coat from one of those trendy street-brands that he’s barely heard of. They give him a perfectly manicured potted bonsai for his desk at work. He loves it.

Then they eat. They eat for what seems like hours and at 6pm, when the extended family have all gone home, Jiwon’s mom announces it’s time for the traditional “Kim Family Supper.”

“But we literally just ate.” He asks Jiwon, confused as ever. “We’ve been eating all day. With like, all the Kims in your family.”

“Just go with it.” Jiwon whispers back. “It’s family tradition and you’re pretty much family now so suck it up and eat when she tells you to.”

He does. Or tries to.

It’s 11pm by the time they get home- drunk, tired, a little in love with everything because it’s Christmas. He just wants to sleep but even though his body is tired, his mind is still awake.

“Hey, babe?” Jiwon asks.

“Yeah?”

“You know how you said we were only allowed to spend 20 bucks on each other’s presents?”

“Yeah.”

“Well.....um, I didn’t do that.” Jiwon says with an entirely unapologetic shrug.

“Knew it.”

“Well, 20 bucks is like...a small amount of money for a present okay!?” Jiwon exclaims indignantly. “Anyway, can I give it to you now?”

“Yeah okay.” He says with a smile. “Let’s see this million dollar present.”

They sit up in bed and Jiwon hands him a red box with something wrapped in several layers of tissue paper. It’s a heavy leather bound notebook with thick parchment paper, each page slightly different to the one before it. It looks like it was made with a lot of care. No way in hell this was 20 bucks. 

“It’s....so beautiful. Where did you even get this?” He asks, fingers running over the smooth black leather cover.

“Osaka.” Jiwon replies. “I found this old man who hand makes them by recycling old novels from the state library that are too worn out to be read. You never know, maybe some of those pages are made from your Pi book or that Mickey Mouse guy.”

“Murakami?”

“Yeah, that guy. Murakami Mouse.”

Inside the front cover there’s a hand-written Japanese message: 岸を見失う勇気がなければ、決して海を渡る事はできない.

Underneath it, there’s Jiwon’s familiar scrawl: i don’t know what that means but i love you. merry christmas baby xoJ

He feels like bursting out laughing because well, Jiwon is, and has always been, nothing short of ridiculous. Simple, to-the-point, but ridiculous.

“What’s the Japanese message?”

“Oh, the old man wrote that. He wouldn’t tell me what it is so I had to ask the guy at the hotel. It means: You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.”

“Deep.” He murmurs.

“Yeah, I know. I was kinda hoping he wrote something more Christmas-y and less....depressing.” Jiwon says next to him.

“It’s not depressing. He’s not wrong.” He laughs, pushing the box aside so he has room to lean forward and give Jiwon a hug and thank you kiss. “You always get me the best stuff, it’s so annoying.”

“I wanted to get you more but you threatened to break up with me if I blew our budget. Your present to me better be under 20 bucks pal. Or I’m telling our bank.”

He leans over the side to pull a box out from under the bed. “Here. Happy Christmas.”

It’s a copy of Life of Pi.

Jiwon looks over with a serious expression, running his fingers over the cover of the book, but it doesn’t last for long because there’s a Winnie The Pooh watch underneath it that makes him start snorting laughter. It’s so undignified and ugly but he still falls in love anyway, for the 80th time today. Personal record.

“Hanbin. Baby.” Jiwon says in his Responsible-Adult tone, holding up the kid’s watch. “This fancy timepiece totally costs more than 20 bucks.”

He smiles and helps Jiwon open the plastic box. “My sister helped me pick this one out for you. She thinks you’re a bit weird but she’s 9 so who cares.”

Jiwon raises an eyebrow. “You told her about me?”

His fingers pause in the packaging. “Well, yeah? Did you not want me to?”

“No, I just thought....you weren’t ready to do that or something.”

He rubs the back of his neck and feels hot all over. “I didn’t say much. Just that you’re my friend and you went to Japan recently so that’s why she got the backpack for Christmas. She really loved it by the way. I still can’t believe you got her something. You didn’t need to. And you didn’t need to get my parents anything either.”

“Yeah I did. You know I did. I can’t believe they got me something. That’s weird. Thought they still hated me.”

He shakes his head but it warms his heart, that all the important people in life where thinking of each other at all. “Well, anyway. Now Hanbyul thinks she’ll get two sets of presents from us every time there’s some kind of event. It’s a dangerous tradition to start.”

“Eh, she deserves it for all the shit she’s gone through this year.”

He frowns then. The guilt bleeding into consciousness. He stays quiet and focuses on picking at the sticky tape on the Winnie box.

Jiwon’s fingers reach over to stop him. “Hey, shit. Sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t mean that it was your fault. Just that, I don’t know, shit. Sorry. I kinda ruined this didn’t I?”

He shakes his head again and tries not to cry. “You didn’t ruin it. You’re....you’re right. It was my fault though. I should’ve visited her more and I should’ve-”

Jiwon takes the box out of his hands and tidies the presents off their bed. “Come here.”

He stays where he is. Guilty people don’t deserve sympathy.

“Hanbin.”

He goes to get up. “Just give me a second.”

And that’s how he ends up, half-alone, sitting on his couch in a darkened living room, feeling like shit. He expected Jiwon to come rushing in with apologies and hugs and whispers of nice things in his ear that were only partly true.

But he doesn’t. Jiwon leaves him to sit there for something close to an hour. He must’ve been staring at the clock because as soon as it ticked over to 12:01 am, he can hear and feel the presence of someone else in the room.

“Can I come in?”

He snorts. “You live here too. You can do what you want.”

“But do you want me here?”

He shrugs. Yes I do.

Jiwon sits down heavily but doesn’t touch him. Half of him is grateful for the space. Half of him is yearning for warm hands.

“I know you love this blame game thing but if it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine.”

He looks over; it’s still dark and they can hardly see each other’s faces at all. 

“It’s not-”

“Yeah it is. I found you didn’t I? That day in the rain, then I found you at the club, then I asked you to come to June’s shop. I kinda dragged you into this.”

Maybe he melts a little bit. Maybe.

“You didn’t drag me into this.” He says. “I was already walking there.”

“So it’s both our faults? Your sister had a shitty year because we were both shitty brothers with no self control and I really wanted to kiss you.”

He smiles to himself and shakes his head. 

“And you said she’s okay now right? Your parents are letting you take her out and stuff. She’s gonna be okay. You’re gonna be okay too.”

He nods. 

This guy. His guy. His best guy. How the hell does he always know what to say? And why does it always work?

“Good. Great. Because I’m fucking tired as fuck.” Jiwon says eloquently as he yawns. “Are you done blaming yourself tonight? Because I kinda want to get back into bed.”

He rolls his eyes. God forbid he gets between Jiwon and his Sleep.

But he goes willingly. Let’s himself be led back to their bed, with the new sheets that he loves, and presents all over the floor and most importantly, this ridiculous guy who says all the wrongs things at the wrong times but somehow fixes it all by saying all of the right things and the right times too.

“Thanks for the cheap presents, babe.”

“Hey!”

Jiwon giggles and pulls him back against his body. “I love them though. I’m gonna read the book. And I’m never gonna be late again.”

He turns around and kisses Jiwon’s jaw. “Those are both lies but thank you for lying to me.”

Jiwon kisses his nose. “You’re welcome, baby.”

****

December 31st. New Years Eve. 7pm.

They’re getting ready to head over to June and Yun’s for the NYE party when his phone rings.

“Oh hi mom.”

There’s too much silence on the other end and the pause is so long that it makes his stomach drop and his heart fill with the dread of “something bad is happening.”

“Mom?”

“It’s....it’s your father.....he’s in the hospital.”

“What?! When?! Why? Is he okay?” He has to sit down on the edge of the bed then, legs trembling and hands shaky. At the sound of his distress, Jiwon rushes into the room but freezes in the doorway when they lock eyes.

“He’s....it was a heart attack. His blood pressure. I told him and told him but he wouldn’t listen. And...he’s in the ICU now. He’s in a...in a coma.”

He feels sick and cold all over.

“Where...where....are you? I’m coming.”

But by the time he hangs up he feels so weak and he just sits there for a few seconds, staring into space.

Jiwon’s fingers touch his cheek lightly and he looks up.

“Hey? What’s going on?”

His vision is blurry now and it takes him a moment before he realises that he’s crying. “It’s dad...he’s in Asan. Heart attack. ICU.”

“Oh, baby.”Jiwon pulls him forward into an embrace and strokes his head. “I’m sorry.”

“Can you drive me there?”

“Yeah of course.”

Jiwon helps him into his jacket and leads him down to the car. He barely registers being strapped in and he’s got so much going on inside his head that he doesn’t even realise the car has stopped until they’re parked in front of the hospital. Jiwon’s already gotten out of the car and is crouching down next to the passenger’s seat, touching his shoulder so softly, as if anything else will hurt him. It doesn’t matter. He feels numb anyway.

“What if-”

“Your mom would’ve told you.” Jiwon says gently, unbuckling his seatbelt and standing up again. “Ready to go in?”

“No.”

Jiwon chews his lip. He’s seen it plenty of times before but those were in different situations. He gets the feeling that this is new for both of them. This total fucking disaster that neither of them can control.

“What if....do you want to just walk around a bit before we go in?” Jiwon suggests.

And again, he lets himself be led around the front garden of the hospital. There aren’t any flowers, just neat box hedges and a few trees dotted around the peripheries. He leans into Jiwon’s side and he doesn’t even care who sees it. He doesn’t care. His dad had a fucking heart attack. Why should he care what people even think of him anymore?

It makes him angry. Furious that he’s wasted all this time caring about things that don’t even matter.

“Babe...babe...” Jiwon’s voice calls him back to reality.

He can feel his jaw ache from the way he’s grinding his teeth. His hand is gripping Jiwon’s so tightly that it must hurt.

“Sorry.” He says, loosening his grip and trying to just concentrate on breathing.

“What do you want to do? Walk a bit more or do you want to go in now?”

He shrugs. He doesn’t know. He just wants someone to tell him what to do. He wants Jiwon to tell him what to do. Tell him that everything will be fine. Even though everything is not fine at all.

“Okay...okay.....we can just walk inside a bit. Just to the floor he’s on. That’s all. We can do that right?”

He shrugs again but Jiwon pulls him forward and some part of him thinks it’s funny really, that when shit hits the fan, Jiwon really is the one dragging him through it. How the hell would he have done this on his own?

He smell and heat and lights and noises of the hospital makes him want to throw up. It’s clean and pristine and their footsteps echo in the foyer but he can feel the layers of grime and death and suffering.

He doesn’t remember much. Just that Jiwon hugs him in the elevator and kisses his cheek. There’s something whispered against his ear but he can’t remember what it was.

He wishes he could because as soon as the door opens and he can see the long corridor leading to a sign that says ‘Intensive Care Unit’, he starts to panic. Not his usual everyday panic. This was some other kind of panic.

He stumbles backwards, as if to get back into the elevator, but Jiwon’s body is there and moving him forward.

“No....not yet, not yet...” He says, voice strained and foreign to his ears.

There’s an overhead announcement about something and in the distance he can hear a beeper going off. Doctors in white coats walk past, talking a mile a minute about things he doesn’t understand. The dinner ladies all file past with their empty trays and blue aprons. But the smell is still there. That unclean-clean disinfectant. It smells like sick people. Thick and claustrophobic, like all the walls were about to close in and he can’t breath anymore.

“Hey, hey....you’re okay.” Jiwon leads him down an empty corridor and pulls him tightly into his chest. “It’s okay. It’s okay.”

He doesn’t know how long Jiwon repeats it or how long they stand there. He knows enough time has past when his heart stops racing and he’s not breathing like he’s drowning.

But he’s not drowning. Or maybe he is. Was. Who cares? He holds on tight because Jiwon is still here and always was here. Maybe always will be here. He hopes so. If he’s going to stick around, he doesn’t want to be a basket case forever. Jiwon deserves more than that. He doesn’t want to be Jiwon’s basket case.

“We can go in now.” He says quietly, it’s half muffled by Jiwon’s hoodie but it’s heard all the same.

“Okay.”

He manages. One foot in front of the other. Jiwon’s hand on his back. It’s okay. It’s okay. He can do this. He can do this for Jiwon and his mother and his sister.

When they get to the front desk, it all goes to shit again.

They won’t let Jiwon in because he’s not family.

His parents raised him to be polite. Civil. Polite. Respectful.

But his nerves are so frayed and exposed that he’s really none of those things.

“What?! My father is dying in there and you’re not gonna let my boyfriend in!? Are you actually fucking kidding me right now?”

“Sir, if you could lower your voice-”

He does. Not that it makes him any more polite. “So let me get this straight. My father is in there. I’m out here. And you got some fucking archaic rules about letting non-blood relations in there? I don’t care about your fucking rules. What the fuck? What the actual fuck?!”

“Hanbin, it’s okay. I’ll wait out here.”

He didn’t mean to snap but he does. “That’s not the point Jiwon! The point is that this is fucked up. Do you people just wait for families to come in all stressed out of their minds and then fuck with them? Is that it? Way to make my day even worse! You f-”

Jiwon pulls him away so suddenly that he doesn’t even finish his sentence.

He stands in the corridor, seething and breathing so heavily he will probably pass out at some point. “Can you believe this shit? Who the fuck do they think they are?!”

“You can’t go in there like this. Your mom and sister are there. You need to-”

“What the fuck do you know? Don’t tell me what I need!” He yells back, regretting it the instant it leaves his mouth.

Jiwon is taken aback. There’s something like hurt and confusion across his face, as though he never thought all the anger would be directed at him.

“Don’t yell at me.”

It’s too much. This is too much. He just wants to go home. He collapses against the wall, rubbing whatever tears are left in his eyes. Why won’t Jiwon just leave him? So he doesn’t have to yell at him and disappoint him like this? He wants to be good for him but he’s not, all he does is fuck everything up.

“I’m gonna say some stuff now. You’re gonna listen, okay?” Jiwon says in a tone so serious that he doesn’t even remember the last time he heard it like that.

He nods.

“It’s not worth arguing with that lady. She doesn’t make the rules. It’s their hospital policy. Your dad and mom and sister are in there waiting for you. Just go be with your family, okay? I’ll wait out here if you need anything.”

He cries. Long silent tears into Jiwon’s shoulder. “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m a fucking mess.”

“And I told you it’s okay.”

“Why are you....”

“Why am I what?”

Shaking his head, he dries his eyes on his sleeve, sniffing a few times to clear his nose. “You’ll wait here? It might be awhile.”

“Yeah, I’ll wait. It’s okay.”

He apologises to the lady at the front desk. She takes it better than he expected but he supposes she’s seen all types of outbursts. She buzzes him in and just before he walks through the ICU doors, he looks over his shoulder to see Jiwon giving him a small smile.

If he had any tears left, he’d cry all over again.

****

Soundtrack for this chapter: All I Want For Christmas Is You by Michael Bublé | Love Scenario (piano cover) 

[theboywiththenotebooks]

One Month Later

TRIGGER WARNINGS:

ABUSE

RELAPSE (SELF HARM)

DEPRESSION

ANXIETY

SEXUAL ASSAULT

It's been one month. One month of freedom, one month of safety, one month of quiet and one month of healing. When I was planning on leaving B, I didn't have much planned other than decorating my own room and getting to come and go as I please. It was hard to plan when deep in my soul I was very scared, and a part of me did not think it would ever actually happen. I didn't think about all the healing I would have to do or all the fear I would still experience every time I saw a red truck. I didn't think that anytime someone touched my stomach, I would panic still and want to fight. I didn't think that the intense emotions I would experience would make me relapse and while I knew I would be relieved, I did not expect this strong wave of sadness to crash into my heart every few days.

It doesn't make sense to miss an abuser. It is not logical to feel a draw toward someone who sexually assaulted you every single night. There isn't a good reason to lay in bed at night and think about the way they held you while you two watched a movie. I've even had moments where I question if I made the right decision. I question if my fear and sadness was valid. I question if I made it all up in my head. I think about how upset they were when I left and I regret hurting them like that. None of this makes sense, because when I am being logical I know that the pain and fear I felt every time I had to go home was real. I know that the inability to breathe while he held my face in a pillow and touched me without consent was real. I know that they do not feel bad, or even recognize the pain they caused me when THEY hurt Me. But to a damaged heart and mind, the realness doesn't feel valid enough.

Occasionally my hand will feel empty without the ring they had bought me and occasionally I will panic because I haven't texted them that I am at work. Sometimes I will have it in my head that I am going home to them and it becomes hard to breathe. It is in these moments that I remember why I did this. My hand feels empty because I am free. I do not have to walk around with their claim on me. I can choose what I do with my time and life. I no longer have to tell a soul where and when I go places and I can come home as late as I want to. I sleep in on Saturdays and the only time that I have to get out of bed is when I decide to. I dress for myself, and I wear what makes me happy. I bought lipstick the other day and there was no one there to mock me about buying it for whoever I was cheating with. I went and bought groceries and I didn't have a care in the world if I forgot something, because I was not going to go home and be told that I'm so stupid for being forgetful.

A few people, ones who don't know the full story, ask me how I'm doing. One in specific asks me if I am enjoying my freedom and I never know what to say. Of course I am. I was on a natural high for about the first week where I was blasting music and crying from happiness driving around late at night. I went to Target at 11PM just because I could. I skipped meals, not because I wanted to hurt myself, but because I didn't have someone to yell about me eating and keeping my weight on. I stay up until 2AM on work nights, just because I can. So yes, I love my freedom, and I am doing alright. But the healing is hard. I believe that I have said this before, but after leaving someone who was hurting you in anyway, whether that be a parent or partner or friend, and whether it be mental, physical, or emotional abuse, you do not heal the moment you walk away. You do not get in the car and drive from their house for the last time and instantly a bandage is placed over your wound. I wish it was that easy, but it is not. Healing is a lot like grief. I lost my partner to a car accident one year and 6 1/2 months ago and I am STILL grieving and processing that. It is very similar for leaving someone who has been hurting you.

Here, a month later, I no longer panic when I see a red truck. I definitely notice them but the panic has lessened. My relapsing has lessened some and the tears are slowing down. I'm still a little angry but I recognize that I will never receive an apology so I will have to release that anger, even if it happens slowly. I still have so many things to say to them but I also realize that they will not understand. I could look them in the eye and explain that when he forced his hand between my legs, it was wrong and I did not want that to happen. That it made my breathing stop and I was sobbing and begging him to leave me alone and he didn't, but he would NOT understand what I was saying. Sometimes, people will not see that their actions are wrong and those people should not be given freedom or a chance to hurt others but you cannot let that ruin your own future and happiness. Somedays I wish I could be given the chance to tell them my truth but even if I don't, I will not give that the power to affect my life. Some of their family still reaches out to me, and I am aware that they are watching my social media but I decided to stop hiding. I have spent 8 years hiding from people and I am tired of it. I am only 25 years old and I do not deserve to hide just because people want to hurt me. My healing will be much, much longer than one month long but every day I improve some. When I fall, I am the one to pick myself back up. When I cry, I wipe my own tears and when I relapse, I walk myself through it. I am learning to love myself despite the wounds I was given by my abuser. I am regaining my independence and learning to be alone again.

I deserve so much better than what they were giving me. I deserve to be safe every night when I go home. I deserve to feel confident and happy. I deserve to laugh and smile and to speak freely. Most importantly I deserve to heal. I am still processing everything a month later, and I will be probably for months or even years to come. And that is okay.

[stevemoffett]

Putting yourself out there

Living near Philly, I would tell close friends and family that the places in which I felt most comfortable were: my apartment, whatever gym I was currently using, my parents’s house/childhood home, and my brother/sister-in-law’s house.

Nowadays, being far from my family and most of my friends, it’s easy to be very solitary. My comfortable places out here are: my apartment, and my apartment’s gym. End of list. It makes sense, but it doesn’t leave too much potential for socializing, making new friends, or trying new experiences.

I had a small epiphany when I went to a “pizza party” that my apartment complex threw, with beer and board games and, obviously, pizza. 

I spoke to a couple of guys who, like me, generally kept to themselves. They had their own hobbies, which didn’t really jive with my own, so during my conversation with them I realized that it would probably be our last. But, I mentally acknowledged the similarity in our general ways of being, if not in our specific interests. 

Then I wondered: am I a shut-in? Am I losing social skills by atrophy?

Later on, over a game of Jenga with two girls, meaning to make a self-deprecating joke, I said, “I came here partially because I realized I’m not talking to anyone over the weekends! Sometimes Monday morning comes and I realize I didn’t say a word since Friday!”

Not that I was looking for a date, but the room dropped a couple of degrees after that. Later, as I walked back to my apartment in the button-up shirt that I’d chosen carefully for the evening, I started thinking that the encounter might have been one of those critical moments, the beginning of a slippery slope to becoming a total reclusive weirdo. (You’ll notice that lately I’ve been worried about getting stuck in the rut of certain character flaws as I get older).

But the mid/late 30s memes are true: I revel in the not-my-fault canceling of plans. “A night downtown” to me is broken up into the choice whether to use Uber to get there, and whether wherever I end up will be loud enough to merit wearing ear plugs (a real social magnet, those ear plugs are), and whether I have enough cash to avoid starting a bar tab, and deciding what time is the absolute latest I will tolerate being out (and usually exceeding that time by an hour at least), and determining how many drinks I am willing to drink if I’m not driving (1-2: no effect, slight headache next morning; 3-4: pleasantly buzzed tonight, but after peak buzz, the drunkenness “breaks” into an unpleasant what-is-it-all-for mood until I get home, and ibuprofen will definitely be needed the next morning; 5+: full-body hangover with about 8 hours of acute clinical depression upon waking).

I also know, though, that nights alone tend to not be worth remembering. I can have an enjoyable night by myself at home in front of my computer or sitting at my electric piano, but I can’t remember any of them more than three days later. On the other hand, I’ll never forget a random moment one night in 2012 when I watched a bartender break a sleeve of quarters on the corner of the bar and felt the vibration go through the wood and into my knee. Whatever the rule is that determines why I keep some memories and let others fade to nothing except a vague sense of recognition is beyond me.

What I think I mean with all this is that I still have a social impulse, but I’m starting to feel weighted down by my growing urge to sit still. At home, I don’t watch and re-watch TV shows, or play video games--I usually just screw around and let the non-political Youtube algorithm serve stuff up. As a result, I’m mildly revolted by my machine-learned Youtube homepage/echo chamber. 

A video that the algorithm decided I would like: STRANGER THINGS SEASON TWO WAS A POORLY WRITTEN MESS (49:53). 

I don’t know guys, I thought Stranger Things season 2 was fine. Lately if I start a video and there’s narration over muted clips of a TV show or movie, especially if the narrator is a man with an English accent, I just X the tab out.

Sometimes, in my florist-refrigerated, table-for-none apartment, I’ll think up some melody or story idea that I like and try to develop, but those nights are few and far between, and lately, the ideas have not developed into much.

A friend at work invited me to join a social/soccer club with him. I said “yes,” following my head rather than my heart, which was screaming “no.” I paid the $60 fee for a team shirt and a 7-game season.

Now, in my signup survey that served to distribute people onto teams, I put a check next to the option that read, “I’m here to have a good game and make new friends!” I think a lot of others chose the same option but I also think, in this case, that the devil is in the details.

In the language of that survey option, what, to you, constitutes a “good game”? To me, non-soccer player who trips over my own feet that I am, a good game involves plenty of running, nobody getting hurt, nobody shouting in anger, and high fives all around at the end. As a result, I did not thrive in the league, on my team, the Kickstars.

Since the games all had to be played after work, this being an adult league, they were played on one of two fields reserved from 6PM-11PM. Due to some a-hole in the schedule making department, five out of our seven games began at 9:30PM.

The soccer field had giant stadium-style lights, which at 9:30PM blaze down on everything so brightly that they wash everything out into a monochrome, cinematic mood, like sports movie shorthand for The Big Game, where it all. Comes down. To this. As a result, at the first match, those lights primed me to try hard and dig it out on every run, but remember that I trip over my own feet.

During the game, I sucked. There’s no other way to describe it. Pass the ball to me? It’s as good as stripped. Get open, while I have the ball? The ball’s going to go somewhere, but not toward you. Somebody’s driving toward the goal, and I’m the only one close enough to defend? 

The score is gonna be whatever-plus-1 to 0 in about three seconds.

But I did all this sucking while running like my life depended on it, and at 10:15PM, when the last whistle blew, I felt like I was going to pass out. My kicking leg cramped up as I was prying my shin guards off. As soon as I got home I showered the sweat and bug spray off, but my heart didn’t calm down enough to let me sleep until around 1AM. I woke up at 6 like usual and limped around at work the next day feeling generally like a human joke.

This brings me back to how the devil is in the details. To the others who joined the soccer/social club, I think that a “good game” meant, “To get another taste of the victory high I got when I played on the varsity team in high school/college.” 

Their yelled advice--”Pressure! PRESSURE!”, “TRAP IT!”--fell on ignorant ears; I had to sheepishly ask a girl or guy next to me when I subbed out, “Uh, excuse me...so, when Jeffrey was screaming at me to, uh, ‘clear, for the love of God, CLEAR!’...what did he mean by ‘clear’?”

They were all nice before the game. And they were charitable after the game. But during the games, they mustered a spirit of competition that I simply could not. They were skilled players of the sport, and I was not even a soccer enthusiast--”I came here to make friends!” I could imagine myself shouting indignantly, if it were a reality show. 

I still ran hard for the ball, still tried hard to block passes and shots on the goal, but I decided that I was never going to dive into what I knew would be a gallery of ankle sprains and jammed fingers.

I didn’t get hurt during the season, but several people did, enough to put them out for the next few games. At the end of the 7 weeks, I was given an option to renew for another 7-game season, a prospect I simply laughed at. I had gone to every game save one, when I flew home for a week, knowing that I shouldn’t quit because that would mean there would be one less person to sub out, which would make it harder for everyone else on the team. But with that one commitment satisfied, my soccer career was over. 

Final scores: Games lost: 6 (we won the last one). Lessons learned: 1. Friends made: 0.

Even at that first game, I saw the writing on the wall. This was not going to be the venue where I would make deep and lasting friendships. Aside from what I’ve already mentioned, nearly everyone else on the team was a spry 23-27 years old. They were all at different stages of life from me: when, at 10:20PM, someone suggested we all go congregate at a bar, I groaned under my breath and said aloud that I had to go home and sleep.

After the next game, I went to the bar. Only two others showed up, one of whom was my friend from work. 

I could almost hear: “Aaaand the waitress is practicing politics...”

There is a library near my apartment. Libraries are great: if you have a library card, you might not need to buy books from Amazon or Audible if you just use the Libby app. And libraries sometimes have classes, or workshops, for cool things. I suggest you look the closest one to you up, because you might be missing out on something neat.

I decided that I wanted to join a book club. 

So, I looked into it, and found out that the library near my apartment has a monthly book club. They meet on Thursdays at 10:30 AM, right around the time that I’m buzzing on my second cup of coffee and heading back into the lab. 

I decided that I wanted to start a book club.

Surprisingly, the library had to do an official background check before they’d let me start one. In all, it took 4 months before I could even have my first general-interest meeting. A nice older lady came--a former librarian who moved here from a nearby city--and she kindly gave me some advice on how to run a book club (this was my first experience with one).

The next month, I decided I would have the club discuss Jonathan Franzen’s The Corrections, because it’s my favorite book. I know that it’s not a perfect novel--in fact, it has plenty of flaws--but no book has made me feel as connected to it as this one did. Close second, Jerry Spinelli’s Space Station Seventh Grade.

The day rolled around and when I arrived, two septuagenarians were sat at the table in the meeting room, arms crossed. 

They had not finished the book, they said. They had read only the first 100 pages, they said. Those 100 pages were “bizarrely sexual,” one of them said. They “wanted to get a look at the person who’d had us read this book.”

But an hour’s an hour, a hundred pages is an honest try at a long book, and I knew The Corrections very well, so I was able to drag an entire hour of conversation about those 100 pages out of them. I truly did not mind their disliking what they read, as long as they would elaborate on why. 

It was frustrating at times (”Chip was obsessed with sex,” one of them said, which made me want to respond like an old-timey comedian: “Lady? If you think that’s obsessed...”), but overall, it was a good conversation. I still left the library feeling guilty that they had not been entertained by what they read, and pessimistic about either of them returning.

But this month’s book club came, and one of them returned! And a different other lady came! And they’d both read the whole book!

As I stalked through the aisles at the library just after the last meeting, embarrassed, I had been thinking, “All right, you want a short book? I’m going to have us read the shortest friggin book I can find,” which ended up being the 200-page On Chesil Beach, by Ian McEwan. I opened the cover and read, on the inner flap, the words “Newlywed virgins” and “sex-averse” and I figured, well, all right.

When I told the librarian to have the other library branches send their copies of On Chesil Beach for next month’s meeting, I thought that the book flap was advertising a story that would mostly feature two people in cable knit sweaters, standing on a jetty addressing the issue indirectly, like, “Darling, I feel a bit fretful when you rest your hand on the small of my back.” 

But I was so, so wrong. At least 66 of its 200 pages explicitly describe all of the details of the wedding night of the two main characters, with at least as many utterances of the word “penis” as in an article from a journal of urology. 

It was the opposite of an erotic story. It was graphic and clinical and, at times, difficult. But the story was good. The characters were well-drawn, and I cared about them a lot. It was a breath of fresh air after having read a lot of sci-fi on my own in the meantime, but I dreaded the next meeting--I figured I was going to be labeled the library’s resident pervert, the lord of the porn-watching bums in the computer section.

A wedding night of excruciatingly-detailed sexual misadventure is apparently not beyond the pale for the little old ladies in my book club. And this time, the hour went quickly. I used my old high school film appreciation teacher, Mr. Truitt, as a role model on how to keep the conversation going--he used to pepper in the usual literary theory type stuff along with other questions that took the story at face value, as if it had really happened, and wasn’t an intimidating puzzle of symbols and motifs and vocabulary. “Do you believe X when she says she loves Y?” “If you were there, would you have intervened when Z lunged for W?” “Is this a normal way two people in this kind of relationship treat each other?”

I left the library whistling, fortified by the approval of both ladies. I had brought cookies to the meeting, but there were a bunch left over, so I brought the rest into work on Monday and told everyone how it went.

[bi2journey]

Meds

Hi guys, so today I’ll talk about my journey with meds so far. It’s almost two years now since I’ve been diagnosed and started to seek treatment for my bipolar type II. And if you are like me and many other people, it took you many tries to get to the right meds for you or you are still trying to find them. 

So, first of all: 

Why am I taking meds? 

I decided to take meds after I was diagnosed because I was told that it was the best treatment to be had. Bipolar is something that affects your body biologically; there’s a chemical imbalance going on. It’s not like you created it yourself and it can be cured by learning good coping mechanisms only and going to therapy or counseling. That’s why we get sudden energy changes and changes in our sleep too. (disclaimer here, I don’t know much about this in the sense that I’m not a doctor, just someone that knows about it from the perspective of a patient. And I’m still learning, so please correct me or add to this.) 

I thought many times about stopping meds because of the stigma, my parents don’t like it, they think I don’t need them, and the secondary effects been so bad that I’ve been afraid of trying new meds and go through similar things again. One made me so sleepy and exhausted all the time I skipped so many classes it affected my GPA...I literally couldn’t hear my alarm and didn’t feel my college roommate pulling my arm to wake me up. I just was too deeply passed out in sleep. 

But then I always remember that just coping mechanisms and a good healthy routine is enough, that to prevent episodes from becoming even worse, and to reach something more of a level of calmness and stability, only meds can help with that. So I decided to stick to finding out a good med treatment and to stick to it. 

Which meds have I tried? How was the process? 

So, first I got treatment with the general physician at my school because I didn’t have a lot of money and I didn’t know there were other affordable resources outside of campus in the small town I’m at. 

First, he got me into Abilify and Prozac, both at the same time. However, I started to become more panicky/anxious, lost my appetite, vomited frequently, lost like 10 pounds in just a couple of weeks...I just felt terrible, I stopped taking the meds and went to the physician afterwards. 

Then he had me start on Lamictal and Sertraline. It was helping me more in the sense that I felt more stable and everyone that was close to me said I sounded more lively and calm. However, when I wanted to start on birth control, the physician had my dosage of Lamictal raised from 200mg to 300mg, and after three days, I felt suddenly so dizzy and was seeing blurry, one morning. I thought I was about to faint, I had never felt that way before. I forgot about the side effects and thought I had low blood pressure or something and went to Urgent Care. There they told me it probably was a secondary effect of Lamictal and I stopped taking that dosage. I didn’t end up getting on birth control and went back to the 200mg dosage because I left town for some months and couldn’t, therefore, get an appointment with the physician to see what to do next. 

The next months I started to feel very sleepy and exhausted all the time and this continuing for almost a year. I kept on seeing the physician and he just decided to add olanzapine. It didn’t change at all. I was eating well, excercising, taking my vitamins and probiotics...I decided to stop taking it to see if it would change, and it did. I stopped feeling exhausted and became able to wake up in the mornings and go to class. 

I didn’t go back to that physician because since he didn’t help me with my extreme exhaustion, that was affecting my class attendance, social life, and overall lifestyle, I decided to look for someone else. 

Now I’m with a psychiatrist in town and even though it’s a bit more expensive, he has been of more help. He put me back on just olanzapine to see if it helped, which it did, but it caused me a great weight gain in just a week, so we stopped it and he decided to leave it as an emergency medicine. It helped me get out a hypomanic episode fast and to sleep at a regular time. 

Now it’s been three weeks I’m in quentiapine, 50mg, and it has been having similar effects to olanzapine in that I feel more calm. My thoughts don’t race, but I also don’t feel extremely moody, or depressed, I’m just present and calm and productive. My focus has improved just so much it’s crazy, and I can go to sleep everynight at 11pm, when that rarely happened to me in my life before. 

The only thing it’s that it’s been a bit hard waking up, because yes I hear my alarm and get up, but feeling exhausted and groggy, without my mind getting fully awake until almost two hours after I wake up. 

What do I recommend or have learned from this about meds?

1. Be very clear and honest with yourself and your doctor. If something bothers you or helps you but not as much as you think that it should, be vocal, let him or her know.

2. Don’t get discouraged. It might take several tries but when you find something that helps you, it’s glory. 

3.  Never let your guard down even if you have been feeling great for a while. Moods can come back, resistance to the meds can be built up, and they help you out to feel more stable more easily and more often, but they don’t get rid off mood swings. They still keep on visiting you, be prepared. 

4. Everyone and everybody works differently. Just because a treatment has the more success with people doesn’t mean it might help you too. The same with the opposite.

5. If your doctor doesn’t seek to diagnose you again to make sure when you come from being diagnosed by someone else, doesn’t start dosages small first to see if the side effects show up, and doesn’t seem to hear your concerns and give you solutions that satisfy you...go get someone else. It’s hard to switch doctors because you might be used to one or think that other’s might be less capable, but trying might save you. If a doctor doesn’t do these things, then how can he be of help?

What about you? Share your story, advice, journey, knowledge, etc. I want to learn more too. And remember, we are not alone. 

[christinafrisby-blog]

January 30, 2016 DIARY OF A PREACHER’S KID AND A TEENAGE MOTHER. CHAPTER 3

Once I finally faced the reality that I was pregnant, I kept it a secret from my family. I was getting very sick, craved strange foods that I never had before (such as grape fruit) and I was losing a lot of weight at first. My mother noticed how sick I was and how I kept my jeans unbuttoned, because it was hurting around my abdomen. She went to my father and told him that she thought I was pregnant, but of course I denied it. My parents had 13 children, they knew pregnancy. Terrence was no help, It was like after I got pregnant the less interesting I was to him.

I slept during school most of the time and my grades was failing. I tried to manage pregnancy and school. I couldn’t do it, so eventually I dropped out of school, but planned to continue my education later. One day my sister went to work at Burger King and saw Terrence there. He knew that she worked there, but he did not care. There was a girl who also worked there that he was sneaking around with. He was whispering in her ears, kissing on her neck and grabbing her in a sexual way. She knew about me, but didn’t care. My sister called me to tell me, but I made up another excuse for him by telling her that he was home. She said “no he is here cheating!!!” I believed her, I already had a feeling that he was, but I was in denial. When I finally got a hold of him, he denied everything. I was so hurt and done with him. The time Terrence and I was together he hugged girls in front of me and they both acted as if I wasn’t even standing there. He never introduced me and the girls never acknowledge me. I was so done that I was ready to tell him about Howard, but did not know how he would react.

I decided to tell Terrence it was over, even though he did not believe me, I was fed up! I finally realized that I WAS LOYAL TO THE WRONG MAN. I needed to tell Howard about the pregnancy, I was scare, but I finally told him that I was pregnant. I was afraid of losing him. Howard cried as we sat in his truck talking, then he hugged me and said that he will take care of me, the baby and will marry me. Howard was really there for me, he bought me groceries because he wanted to make sure that I ate healthy for the baby and he bought me bigger clothes because things started to get tight. He made me feel like he cared about me and my unborn child. My parents met him, but I kept his age a secret for awhile. One day Howard picked me up from my house because he needed to talk to me. He told me that he wanted me to tell Terrence not to contact me no more and then he would marry me so we could be a family. I had to think real hard about that because Terrence did not seem like he really loved me, nor did he cared about how I felt. Yet, Howard loved me and the baby.

When I went home I had a lot to think about. My Mother saw me and said “oh Terrence came by looking for you, but I told him that you was out with Howard.” I was like, “WHAT!!! why did you tell him that?!!!!” She said, “you can’t keep juggling two guys Tina.” But I wasn’t, I just never told Terrence about Howard yet. My mom sat me in the living room and said “Tina, I’m not just your mother, but I’m your friend. You can tell me anything…. Are you pregnant?” I looked at my mother side eyes the whole time, because I knew she was fooling me. I was so upset with her that she told Terrence before I did about Howard that I just blurted out “yes I’m pregnant!!!.” That “friend” she was supposed to be was GONE!! My mother looked at me dead in my face, got up and told my father. My father called me in the room and asked me if I was pregnant? I told him “yes” and then he asked “what are your plans to do now?” I did not know how to answer that question, but I promised to continue my education. My mother didn’t speak to me for 3 days, but on the 3rd day she had Doctor appointments set up for me and my medical insurance ready for pregnancy.

When I finally got a hold of Terrence he asked me “who’s Howard?” I told him that he was a friend of mine. Then, I said “I am so sick and tired of being cheated on and unappreciated. I am only 17 years old and shouldn’t be going through this!! I’m tired of finding hickies on your neck! You disappearing for days and then come back bragging about another woman house you stayed at. I’m tired of  wanting this relationship more than you!!!” I finally had the guts to say “this baby is not yours, it’s Howards.” I wanted to get rid of him! I would of said anything just to get him off my back. I did not think he would care, because he never cared about the many times he broke my heart. Terrence did something that I did not expect, he started crying and cursed me out. That broke me to pieces!!! I did not want to hurt him because I really loved him, but I was just tired. So I went back on what I said and told him that i was lying. I told him everything about Howard and how I was treated by Howard compared to how he treated me. He still had his doubts, but he knew that he deserved every bit of it after how he treated me. Terrence tried to make a little more effort after our conversation. He stopped by every now and then just to make sure I was okay. His family was visiting me often during my pregnancy too. I knew that I had to make a choice because I was in a messed up situation and it was not fair to Howard. I couldn’t have them both in the delivery room. I wasn’t ready for marriage and it was too much confusion. I really loved Howard, he was a good man, too good for me at the time. I had to break it off with Howard, even though he already met my friends and family. I did not want to hurt Terrence family because they really bonded with me and my pregnancy since they found out. I thought that Howard deserved better.

Terrance started doing better. He bought groceries for me, made sure he was at my Doctor appointments and he spent a little more time with me. Well, I thought he changed. I had a big baby shower, men and women was invited. I was sitting on the steps outside with one of my friends that he was eye balling all night. He came outside and sat between us. He started flirting with her right in my face, but he couldn’t say what he wanted to say to her, because I was there. Terrence told me (an 8 month pregnant girl) to go inside the house and get him a soda, only so I could leave him alone with her. She couldn’t believe what he was doing, but I said “no” and told her to go inside. I made him leave and I was so angry that I gave him another chance.

I went in the hospital on the night of September 7, 1998, but my baby was born on the 8th. I had a beautiful little girl. I was so happy to finally hold her, but all I could do was think to myself “what am I going to do next?” All of a sudden this woman that I never seen before walked in. Terrence seemed very jumpy and he did not introduced me. Terrance mother told me that the woman was his cousin and she said “hello”. I got very quiet and stared Terrance straight in his face. First of all who is this woman that I don’t know? Thought it was okay to come into my private area and why is he so jumpy!!!??? His mom was talking and then said to them “I remember when y��all was young, you both was so close that I started to wonder…” But before she was able to finish her sentence they both jumped and said “no, no, no it wasn’t like that!!”. His mother said, I wasn’t talking about that, y’all are cousins!!” I knew then that something was NOT right!! I did not care that they were cousins, something wasn’t right!!! He left with her and did not come back until late that night. I was upset because I just had his baby a little over an hour ago and he disappeared with that girl. I did not speak to no one, if it was not a Nurse or a Doctor I was quiet. I needed to get my head together because I knew that I was going to be a single mother and Terrence was not going to be my husband. Terrance tried to talk to me when he came back, but I stayed quiet. He couldn’t understand what was wrong with me, so he left my hospital room and tried to get advice from a Janitor. The Janitor told him that I was more than likely going through postpartum depression, but he was so wrong, it was a lot deeper than that.

I went to sleep that night and Terrence slept on the couch. I suddenly woke up from my sleep, looked straight a head at the clock on the wall, it was 4:20am and then I looked to my left. There was a man standing next to my bed staring at me while writing on his grey clipboard. I was pissed because I did not hear no one next to me and why was he there that early in the morning? He was about 5’9, short dark hair, Caucasian, had a Doctors coat on and a grey clipboard where he was writing his notes. He smiled and said to me “hi Christina, I was just checking in on you. How are you feeling?” I was mad, but I responded with “I’m fine”. I looked over at Terrence and he was still sleep. The guy asked me, “are you sure you okay?” I nodded my head yes. He said, “okay, I’ll be back later to check on you, do you have any questions?” I frowned, looked at the clock and then I looked back at him and said “no.” He said, “okay, bye Christina. I just wanted you to know that everything is going to be okay.” Then he left. I grabbed my pillow and threw it at Terrence! I was fussing at him while telling him about this Doctor. Terrence was trying to calm me down, but at the same time he was happy that I was finally talking to him again.

30 minutes later a Nurse came in to do her rounds. Terrence asked her “who’s the Doctor on the floor doing rounds right now?” She said, “there has not been a Doctor on the floor since 11pm last night.” I explained everything to her about what happened, but she assured me that there was no male Doctors or Nurses on the floor and her nurses station is right next to my room door. She said that all the nurses would have saw if anyone came in or out of my room. Then she said something that I will never forget, she said “did you say that he had a grey clipboard? Because Physicians have not used clipboards since the late 80s and early 90s.” I sat back quietly because right then and there I knew that my Angel came in to check on me because my spirit was very disturbed. I’ve experienced things like that before, so I was not too surprised about it. My Angel told me that everything was going to be okay. I knew that there was a plan for my life and I had to continue to go through the process in order to get there.

TO BE CONTINUED….

NEXT CHAPTER…. THE BREAK UP WITH TERRENCE AND NEW BEGINNINGS WITH CHARLES. A WHOLE NEW MEANING OF CRAZY.

[sleepinglightt]

All

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?I’m trying to figure out what I wanna do in life, and it’s confusing. I have like 7 months to decide

2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?Yes

3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?Not really? I just get uncomfortable when people are high around me and I’m sober I guess

4: Do you find it easy to trust others?Uhh no

5: What were you doing at 11PM last night?Trying to go to sleep, but I had too much on my mind

6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?I’d probably be by myself bc when I drink alone I think a lot and I get really sad

7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?I’ve been cheated on before and it sucks, I’ve cried every time so far so I’d probably keep the record going 🙂

8: Are you close with your dad?Kinda, were getting closer and it’s nice. I missed out on getting to know him when I was little, and now I’m finally getting the chance to know him and talk to him on a regular basis and I’m loving every minute of it

9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right? Nope

10: What are you listening to?Verbatim by blackbear (I literally have an entire blackbear playlist don’t @ me)

11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?Either water or coffee tbh

12. Do you like hickeys?Yes yes yes, I just don’t like them on my neck

13: What time do you go to bed?It’s different every night

14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down?Not really? Not anyone that I can think of tbh, I cut a lot of people off.

15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?I obviously type quicker with both, but I’m still fairly fast with one hand

16: Do you always answer your texts?I try to, but depression is a bitch my dude

17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?not really, I still miss them Gotta love non gendered pronouns right? I gotta keep ya on your toes ;))

18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?Today

19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?Yeah, there’s a couple of people

20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?“why do I always mess up” and then BOOM I passed out

21: Is anyone else in the room with you?Well I can’t see anyone, so I’m gonna say no. I hope that’s true lmao

22: Do you believe what goes around comes around?Yes

23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now?Yeah ://

24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?There are a lot of people tbh

25: In the past week, have you cried?Uh yeah is that even a question

26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing?It’s green

27: Do people ever call you by your last name?Sometimes, people that know me from softball do sometimes. I kinda like being called by my last name tbh

28: Is anyone ignoring you right now?I don’t think so?

29: Do you have a best friend? Yup yup yup

30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?Yeah, I’d probably cry for like 3 weeks straight

31: Who was your last call from?My mom

32: Are you mad at anyone?Im mad at myself, does that count?

33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you?Yeah

34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?18

35: How many more days until your birthday?Umm too many, it’s like 6 months I think

36: Do you have any summer plans yet?Not yet, I only have like graduation planned and then my birthday. I also wanna go to Washington for the summer if I can.

37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?I think so?

38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?I keep a lot of things from a lot of people, I never tell anyone 100% of the things going on in my life. That’s just the kind of person I am.

39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?Yeah

40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?I don’t think so

41: Do you think age matters in relationships?It matters to a certain extent, like obviously an 18 and a 13 year old shouldn’t date. I also think it matters in high school (I don’t agree with that whole freshman dating a senior bs) but a year is okay. After high school it doesn’t really matter in my opinion.

42: Are you available?Emotionally? Not really. Technically? Yeah I guess so

43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?I’m still n high school, so I’m just gonna skip this one I guess?

44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?My nose

45: Do you believe exes can be friends?Yes, after feelings have faded and stuff

46: Do you regret anything?I regret a lot of things

47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?Yikes this is too deep for tumblr

48: Did you ever lose a best friend?Yeah, I’ve had a lot of people leave. But that’s a part of life

49: Was your last kiss a mistake?Nope

50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?Bc I’m emotionally damaged and i have trust issues

51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?Yeah

52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?Yes

53: What was the last thing you ate?A quesadilla

54: Did you get any compliments today?I don’t think so

55: Where are you going on your next vacation?Washington state boiiiiiii

56: Do you own anything from other countries?I had some candy from Canada but I ate it

57: Are most of your friend guys or girls?Most of them are girls

58: Where have you lived most of your life?Texas

59: When was the last time you took a long drive?I can’t drive but I went on a road trip with my dad in August

60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?Yeah

61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house?Nope

62: Who do you text the most?I don’t text a lot tbh

63: What was the last movie you saw?The new saw movie 10/10 do recommend

64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?Their ex before me was just… yikes.

65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2010?None, I was like 10. I was more focused on Star Trek and trying to get my best friend at the time to kiss me

66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you?He’s only like 3 months younger

67: Do you curse around your parents?Nope

68: Are you happy with where you live?Nope

69: Do you collect anything?I like to keep a memory box, I also dry all the flowers I get and keep them.

70: What’s your favourite colour?Yellow

71: Does the last song you listened to remind you of anyone?It reminds me of a few people

72: Has anyone ever cheated on you?Yeah

73: What are your plans for tomorrow?Go to school, come home, sleep, and then whatever else happens

74: Do you have siblings over the age of twenty-one?Nope

75: Does your last ex have a job?Nope

76: What would you do if you found out your most recent ex was in a relationship?Cry. Like a lot. It’s only been like 3 days since we broke up

77: Where is your cellphone?In my hand

78: What colour is your cellphone?It’s rose gold

79: What did you dream of last night?I don’t remember

80: Are you atheist?Nope

81: Will you change your name when you get married?Probably not. I like my last name

82: Are you ready for autumn weather?Uh yeah. Texas, get with the program

83: Have you had any big storms recently?We just as hurricane Harvey a couple of months ago

84: What kind of bottoms are you wearing?I can’t really wear myself wdym, just kidding but I’m wearing really short shorts that make my butt look gr8.

[datingadviceonreddit]

DEAR GOD GET READY FOR THIS LONG ASS SHIT STORM OF A STORY. TLDR. Does this go in r/Relationship? If you find yourself reading this, I am a girl who is in desperate need of help so I can fucking stop thinking about this crap and move on -_- Please give me your thoughts on the fucking situation that is driving me and my friends insane.DISCLAIMER: I curse a lot, and I am up to HERE raises hand up to neptune with the stress this shit has caused me. So disregard me as I release some pent up rage.OKAY. I believe both of us are in the same looks league so I won't even comment on that.Player 1: Guy, 29, caucasian, raised in southern GA. Let's call him Bill (no his name is not Bill). A musician. Omnivert, into videogames. Pisces. Bill has been single for 3 years and basically abstinent lol. NOT RELIGIOUS AT ALL. He has also been EVER SO SLOWLY healing and coming out of a depression of sorts. He also has minor anxiety issues. He has VERY high standards for almost everything, and loves 80's things.Player 2: Me, Girl, 24, caucasian hispanic, raised in Miami, FL. We'll call me Bitch becau- no... We'll call me Bear, because why the fuck not. A filmmaker/photographer. Omnivert, into videogames. Libra. I have always hung out with people older than me because I don't get along with the millenials my age -_- the're all focusing on partying while I'm trying to move forward with my career. Also I have been abused by several men (which scars to bear [get it]) so I'm very verbally forward with dudes about how I feel, but I also have mega anxiety for physical proximity.Setting: Atlanta, GAISSUE: Does my best friend like me? It's not issue if he does, BUT I just NEED to know. We have minor history and he has said no when I've asked but THE FUCKING WORLD tells me otherwise. Also, my gut tells me otherwise (sometimes), and I have no idea if I should be trying to get my flirt on or just leaving the poor kid alone because he hates me or something.Late 2015: We meet for a film project and I have this innate magnetic feeling towards him to be his friend. JUST FRIEND. Nothing more. We work on the film project and you know, it's cool. We good. We chill. Nothing interesting, nothing to see. Player 1: Single Player 2: Married in on/off state (private)Early 2016: We start hanging out WAY more. Like WAY more. And we become besties and work together on every project ever. Its' the best female/male bromance I ever did saw. Both gamers, both omniverts, both into adventures, both low self esteem, both idiots. IT'S WONDERFUL I TELL YOU. This time period bleeds into summer time too. Player 1: Single Player 2: My marriage finally collapses and we finally have the balls to separate publicly. Bill helps me a lot through this whole process.late Spring/Summer 2016: BEST. OF. FUCKING. FRIENDS. We hang out all the time and at this point everyone asks us if we're together. We get told what a cute couple we are (we deny all claims though). He calls me after work everyday and we sometimes fall asleep talking to each other. Equal conversation. His family tells me that "he's the happiest I've seen him in a long time". His sister calls me his "girlfriend not girlfriend". And I am totally okay with that because... I'm starting to like the guy. And I have slept in this dudes bed like 3-5 times at this point and we have not cuddles once. I have major anxiety for sleeping his bed because I have no idea what I'm supposed to do if he wants me to make any moves. Also, we promise each other to be honesty buddies for life. Also also, He goes to daytona for a weekend and then says he has no one to hang out with so... I got flight benefits, you want me to come? "Sure, why not". SO I fly there and we have a blasty blast. There's also this moment that we're out drinking and we go for a walk and this homeless guy approaches him for money, Bill tells him nah, then the homeless guy starts walking towards me and Bill steps inbetween me and the homeless guy (who is not even close) and he says "No, you don't need to talk to her, you talk to me" (fucking fell so hard deeper than I already was, right then and there) Player 1: Single Player 2: SingleDRAGON CON 2016: He goes out of his way to go buy my eyelash glue, literally OUT OF HIS WAY. Then at the con he eats a tootsie roll drug thing (I am a newb when it comes to that shit) and he's tripping. We hold hands the entire time (relationship hold, not "let's cross the street" hold). At one point he jumps in bed and opens his arms out to me to invite me to cuddle, and god damnit I fucking accept. So we cuddle in front of the majority of his friends. We take an uber to a far away restaurant and just lay on each other the whole time. Then we go to my place and go to bed and don't cuddle sadness. That was saturday night into sunday morning.SEPTEMBER 2016: The week after Dragon Con we barely talked. Then I fly somewhere for something and when I'm flying back he texts me that he doesn't want to ruin our friendship because of his feelings of loneliness. And I'm like WOAH BRO, YOU WON'T RUIN ANYTHING. WANNA TALK IN PERSON? NEED HUGS? And he's like Come over and jump in bed, lets cuddle (or w.e. the fuck he said, the jump into bed part is accurate though). SO. My plane lands and I fucking take a FORTY FUCKING FUCK FACE DOLLAR uber to his house. I go to his room and jump in bed and we had the most AWKWARD cuddle in the fucking world. Why? Because part of me did not want to cuddle him because I was so fucking confused. And then because he was no longer drunk -_- (fuck you Bill... fuck. you.) Later that day he is very angry. And I mean, VERY. ANGRY. We got out and eat food, his friend ends up being our waiter and asks if I'm his girlfriend and he very aggressively says "no". And then after that day he stopped talking to me. HE JUST STOPS. Motherfucking Bill does not talk to me at all. I then get him to respond to me and he says he doesn't want to be friends anymore and he needs a break from "all this" (WHAT THE FUCKFACE IS "ALL THIS?!?!"). So I try to give him space but HOLY SHIT WE WERE JUST BEST FRIENDS AND NOW I AM SO FUCK NUGGET CONFUSED WHAT THE BITCH MADE FUCK?????? So I ask for a solid reason as to why it's happening and I could not get a solid answer. At all. To this day, I'm still not sure what the fuck that was. But anywho, he says he doesn't know if he'll ever want to be my friend BUT if there's an emergency and I ever need him, that he'd be there for me.FAST THE FUCK FORWARD to the week before my Birthday party (oct 1). It's friday, it's late, like 11pm late. I go outside for a phonecall and my phone starts dying. I walk back to my apartment door and it's locked. I call my roommates, no answer. (I later find out that my roommates had left and locked me out). So I have no keys, no wallet, a dying phone, and it's late on a friday night. WHADOIDO?!?! I start calling people to see if they can pick me up so I can crash with them. LITERALLY NO ONE CAN. I get to the point of using tinder and asking my ex. But before I go that route I'm like... you know what, Bill said he would be there for me if I really needed, I'm calling him (i knew he would not want me to have resorted to my ex so I thought this was logical). I call his beautiful ass up (and I mean beautiful) and his friend answers (oh so it IS just me that you needed a break from you dick twat). I explain the situation to his friend (lets call him Matt). Matt: "Oh yeah, we'll come get you!" "Check with Bill first, I don't think he'll be cool with it" Matt: "What? Ofcourse he'll be cool with it" "Wanna bet?" Matt: "Two dollars says he says yes" "Done. Now ask him" Matt asks Bill Bill: "Yeah, no. Not in the mood" (or w.e. his bitch ass said) Matt: "Bear, I am so sorry. I'm surprised. Good luck with your situation" "Yeah... thanks" And so I resort to tinder and ex -_- then end up sleeping at my community pool until the next day when my roommates get back. NEXT WEEK: I tell this mother fucker Bill that we need to talk. He calls me and says he doesn't want to talk to me and hes angry about it. And I tell him in the nicest way possible "fuck you". And I explain to him what an asshat he is and that I didn't do anything to deserve this treatment from him and that HOW DARE he tell me he'd be there for me and then he's just not. Fuck. You. Bill. And he fuckign apologized 0_0 and said I'm right. And then I told him he could come to my birthday party if he wanted to, and that I would like him to and he said that he didn't know but he'd try. BIRTHDAY PARTY: He showed up with his brother and sister and friends. All in one car. It was so nice seeing him again and knowing we were okay. God. what a fucking relief he was done being a dumb ass.Have you made it this far? Take a break, pat yourself on the back, go grab some hydration. Thank you and I fucking love you you stranger. Player 1: Single Player 2: SingleLATE 2016: We start hanging out slowly, I take piano lessons with him because I want to and because it's a good way to reintroduce hanging out. I then meet someone that I actually have an interest for. Cool regular dude but the fact that I kinda like this guy is like "oh, I might pursue this". SO before making any moves, I ask Bill: Bear: "Hey, do you like me?" Bill: "What! Like romantically?" Bear: Yeah Bill: laughs uh NO. Bear: Yeah I was just checking, because, people have told me you do. Bill: Yeah no. Who? ----- I felt so fucking humiliated because of how he handled saying no. It was like he thought it was embarrassing to even think that he could like someone like me :( SO lower self esteem and now a fucking challenge to get over my feelings for Bill, I get into a relationship with random guy who we'll call... Homer. Homer and I end up dating for a while, Bill is ALL FOR IT. Says I need someone Homer him right now. So i fucking go for it dude. Like, full commitment dawg. I'm talking real intimate planning homie. And BOY DID THAT BACKFIRE. Player 1: Single Player 2: Single -> begins datingEARLY 2017: I eat furbies. Just kidding, making sure that you're still awake :D So me and Homer are living together per his request (SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT). And I cannot be myself around him because I'm high energy and he's like "you're too much" (fuck your dick ass face you bitch haired mother fucker). So I go crying to Bill who is now my freindtherapist and tell him that I cannot be myself with Homer and it's fucking killing me. Now Bill is like, oh nah, that dude right here brah? He's garbage brah. Get rid of him brah. You can't be with dat brah. (more or less) But I can't break up with Homer because if I do then I have to face my feelings of wanting to be with Bill and that is just WAY TOO MUCH FOR ME TO DEAL WITH AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE. Player 1: Single Player 2: In a relationshipSUMMER 2017: Homer and I are not doing too hot, at all. It's become apparent to many folks. But anywho. SO there's this event yeah. Where I'm presenting an award yeah. And I put on an amazingly sexy gorgeous dress yeah. And I invite Bill and my newest friend Keaton to attend the event with me since Homer will be out of town. Keaton is Homer's bestest friend (key info for the test at the end guys)(...just kidding)(this wont be on the test)(...just kidding, there is no test). So I look fucking fabulous. I mean... fucking. fabulous. Like, even my low self esteem was like DAY-UM BITCH. I asked Bill and Keaton if I looked good and Keaton responds with "Yeah you look great" and Bill just nods and he's like "yeah" (YOU SON OF A BITCH). So we go on our way to the event. At the event I get Kanye'd because why not hire a drunk host :D so I'm ultra bummed out and the 3 of us go downstairs to drank my sorrows away. Then I find out that the film I produced one an award and I wasn't there. FUCK.MY.LIFE. so then i'm like LETS GO TO THE BAR BOYS. But before that I have a "cry on shoulder moment" with Bill. SO, we call uber to go to bars and WELL YOU SEE... I WAS WEARING A BEAUTIFUL WHITE DRESS... SO... THE UBER DRIVER THOUGHT I HAD JUST GOTTEN MARRIED. To who? To Bill -_- (FFUUUUUUHHHH) And what does Keaton do when the driver starts asking questions? Driver: Woah, did ya'll just get married? Keaton: YES! MY TWO BEST BUDS, BILL AND BEAR, MADE THE LEAP! At this point, Bill and I look at each other and are like N-NNO-N-N-NO-NO-NO-NO, but Keaton is SO FUCKING LOUD, he overpowers us and eventually we just go with it. SO we start giving made up details and calling each other "babe" and "sweetie" and gay ass shit like that. We get to the bars and low and behold, we find out you can drink free by having just been married... so naturally WE MILK THIS SHIT OUT OF IT. We move our rings to the married side and he has his hand on my waist, holds my hand at one point. Gives me a back massage. My god, it's fucking great. And eventually we go home. Keaton loses his phone in the uber home and so when Bill and I go back to my place, we're trying to get n contact with the uber driver. So we're just chatting and Bill is about to leave so we hug good bye. As we hug... I have no idea why... but... I grow the biggest pair of balls... and say... Bear: Want to know something weird? Bill: Suuuure Bear: I have feelings for you Bill: silent I pull away from hug Bear: But you probably already knew that Bill smiles and he nods and he's like "yeah" and so we talk about it all. And here are the key take aways from everything he said: "I'm not going to lie, I've wanted to make out with you several times" "Tonight felt... natural. It was just so easy for us to be that way. It was comfortable" "Well you have a boyfriend so...." And eventually he goes home and we decide to talk about it sober.SOBER TALK #1 He tells me he has no feelings for me, that he cares about me as a friend and nothing more. He also tells me that everytime he was interested in me is because he was lonely. (oh Bill... YOU SACK OF SHEEP SHIT) And so I take all that in and let it process over the weekend. I then write him an email. Yes. A fucking email. Because I suck at communicating on the spot. And in this email I tell him MANY THINGS, one being "fuck you for using me" and the other being "I don't believe that you don't have any ounce of feelings for me, because you could have picked any girl but you chose me. (SIDENOTE, BILL IS VERY BEAUTIFUL AND CONSTANTLY HAS GIRLS WANTING HIM). So I email his ass and he reads it and we decide to have a second talk.SOBER TALK #2 He apologizes for using me and having led me on and that he'll be more careful with our friendship. And we completely skipped over the topic of him having any slight possible feelings for me or if he might ever. What evs. I'm so done with it all at that point (or was I?) Player 1: Single Player 2: In a relationshipDRAGON CON 2017: SO Homer gets obliteratingly drunk and violently pushes me (not the first time he got aggressive). But check this out. He pushed me, in front of the crew, including Bill. According to witnesses, both my feet went in the air. There was like a 3 second pause of silence and Bill fucking pushes Homer's ass out the hotel room and slams the door in his face. He then asks me if I'm okay and he is fucking LIVID BRO. I have never seen him in such a rage before O_O Player 1: Single Player 2: In a relatonshipFALL 2017: So dragon con drama dies down and I can no longer talk to Bill about my issues with Homer (yes I stayed with him) because Bill is fucking annoyed at me for staying with him. He thinks I'm dumb for staying (he's not wrong). So I find a new friendtherapist. Anywho, we continue our vague friendship where I feel like I have to hold back because what if I flirt with him, it'll make him uncomfortable and I don't want that. So now I feel like I can't be my full self around Billy Boy. Eventually I have my business trip to California with Homer BUT I break up with him the week before -_- so I'm not stuck on a trip with my ex. WONDERFUL. But when I told Bill, he was very happy for me and was proud I hadn't done anything stupid. Eventually Homer invites me to go to a Legend of Zelda Symphony of the Goddesses tour and I'm like FUCK.YES.DAWG. and he has two extra tickets so I invite Bill and his brother. When stranger Things 2 came out, we binge watched it friday night and saturday night. And that weekend was just so great. We just netflix and actually chilled And later when we talked about the weekend he told me "that is one of the nicest weekends I've had in a long time." CUZ WE'RE GOOD TOGETHER YOU TURD DICKZELDA SMYPHONY 2017: So Homer and I get there (I still live at his place with Keaton, I just sleep on the couch) and Bill is DRUNK. He invites me to his hair cut appointment the next day (we have the same hair dresser) and He starts talking to me about his weekend plans (which include a funeral and us watching Justice league together on Monday) and then how Monday me and him have our date. My face is like huwah? And he repeats it "yeah, we have our date!" buwuh? and I'm just like OO OH-KAY, YES. YES WE DO SIR. Concert starts, we watch the show, he keeps drinking. At this point I've never seen him this drunk before (it was quite amazing). After the show, I have to use the bathroom like the basic bitch I am. Bill says he's going to go look for his brother and homer who have disappeared. When I walk out I see him waiting for me in a corner and I'm like "what are you doing??" ANd he's like " I've been waiting for you this whole time. All these dudes were waiting for their girlfriends, one at a time they start leaving, and here I am waitng for you, WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG" and all I did was laugh because he's fucking hilarious drunk. I end up going home with Bill and his bro because I don't want to sleep on the couch and now that I'm single, I can sleep in Bill's bed again. SO, we're in the car and here's the conversation. Bill: Wow, I'm surprised at how well that went. Homer was very pleasant towards me. Brother: Why wouldn't he be pleasant towards you? Bear: Well- Bill: Oh, he's jealous of me and hers relationship. Bear: O_O HOMER WAS NEVER AT ANY POINT JEALOUS OF ME AND BILL. In fact, Homer LOVED Bill and always wanted me to invite him to places and he wanted to hang out from him and learn music from him. So that was just a lie .. Anywho, we go home and I sleep in this dudes bed and LET ME TELL YOU THE ANXIETY WAS SO FUCKING REAL. He has NEVER slept that close to me EVER. I could feel his arm and knee on my shoulder and leg (no boners guys, sorry :/ ). And I had no idea if I should try cuddling him or not because what if he's just drunk and doesn't realize it OR he's sober and just DOES NOT want that weird comfortableness of cuddling someone you're not into. So I do nothing except stay awake in anxiety till he wakes up the next day. And the only thing he says about the night before is "Man, I felt like I could take over the world last night, like nothing was in my way" and that was that.Monday: He invites his brother -_-THANKSGIVING 2017 (one week later): So I'm kind of sort of co-hosting with him but not really but I promised him I'd help with cleaning up and I'd bring mega food. By this point, we have a trip to NY planned (Mid January) and paid for...for... THE FUCKING FINAL FANTASY DISTANT WORLDS SYMPHONY AT CARNEGIE HALL, OH MY FUCK. We're talking about our plans (he invited his friend [guy, we'll call him Ron] so it was no longer going to be a potentially romantic trip sadness) and Bill says "Hey, let me know if you two want to go matching!" Ron is like "uhhh... no" as any normal guy would respond to that weird ass request. And then I say "uhm... Yeah sure." BECAUSE WHY NOT BEAR! WHY THE FUCK NUGGETS NOT. Bill and I go to his room later to look at his suit and see what I'm working with. And he says "If you find something else then I can try to find a different color shirt or tie". So we're fucking matching dude. Also, he play flirted with me for the FIRST TIME ever. Like Keaton noticed it too. Bill looked me directly in the eye.And now I'm here, visiting family in Miami, writing this fucking post because I'm so gay for this dude it's stupid. And I have been dress shopping and sending him the options and he is still going with us matching. ANYWHO here's where you the reader comes in...Answer these questions please and thankses: 1) DO YOU THINK HE'S INTO ME? 2) Should I ask him if he wants to kiss... 30 seconds before new years eve? 3) Should I try anything in NY? 4) Should I shut the fuck up, calm down and just fucking stop? 5) Should I just give up in him and I? If so, HOOOOWWWW??I REALLY don't want to make him uncomfortable but damn I can't keep holding back with this mystery. It's horrible. But he also seems like he's making sure we're not alone at any point in time... which I have no idea how to interpret.KEY FACTS: - Yes I feel that he is into me, SOMETIMES. Not always. But I get that urgle gurgle feeling from him sometimes. - He still does cute things like buy me my favorite junk food at the gas station. - We have NEVER kissed - We get each other on some surreal ass level, it's weird. - Yes we are idiots - Yes this is a TLDRIf you actually read everything... YOU'RE AMAZING AND THANK YOU!! If you didn't... Then good for you for not wasting your time! via /r/dating_advice